If it's Thursday this must be LA

in Random Crap

I’m still on tour and I’m in LA today so come see me at the Writers Guild if you can!  (Tour details are right here.)  If not, you can just read the continuing chronicles of my best-of series.  This post was from way back in 2008…

So my friends Jason and (his special lady) Tiffany are throwing a Houston Big Lebowski Bash so Jason put this call out on his blog:

Fellow Achievers, Fox news would like to do story on us and our party live in their studio. So if you have a Lebowski theme costume and would like to be on TV Tuesday afternoon contact me.  Let’s show Houston that the bums haven’t lost!”

So I dressed up in my ‘post-coital Maude’ outfit, which is basically a red wig and a bed sheet held up by one strained safety pin and I walked out of my house intent on joining the horde of people dressed in viking clothes, bowling pin hats and bikinis.  It was at this point that I remembered there were a dozen construction workers standing outside my house who had seen me naked just 48 hours before.

So I waved at the construction men and stuck my stomach way out to give the impression that I wasn’t just some naked whore in a bed sheet but was in fact a pregnant woman wearing a muumuu but when I got halfway to my car my sheet snagged a shrub and I frantically grabbed at it and forgot to do the stomach thing and so basically I just looked like a chick in a bed sheet failing to carry off a fake pregnancy.  So, you know, so much better.

Then I pulled into the news studio parking lot I breathed a sigh of relief and it hardly even bothered me that my sheet got caught in the car door and I’d totally flashed everyone driving down the highway because I knew that within seconds I’d be surrounded by “my people” and then I walked in and saw that it was just five of us and fucking no one was wearing costumes.  You know that dream where you’re naked at school and no one else is naked at school?  It’s like that but replace “naked” with “wearing a bedsheet” and “at school” with “on national television”.

So basically it was me, two people in normal clothes and two people in bowling shirts who could have gone into any Starbucks in America without getting a second look.  Then Jason handed me the latest copy of Barstool Magazine in which I was mentioned as “a certain bloggess whose vagina I know way too much about”.  It was at that moment, reading a glossy magazine about my vagina and dressed in a bed sheet poised to go on live television, that realized I had lost control of my life.  Somewhere in between becoming a sweet mommyblogger and this exact moment a series of bizarre choices had landed me in this psychotic life and I had no other choice but to run with it.  Someone handed me a badge which said I needed to be escorted by an employee at all times.  Clearly these people had heard about me.

They quickly ushered us into the studio which was flashy and awesome and I threw off my purse, shoes and badge because at that point those accessories were so normal they were actually making me look more bizarre.  Like when you see a homeless guy wearing only a clear shower curtain but he’s carrying an attaché case and all you can think is “Why the hell would that guy need an attaché case?” and it throws you so off you hardly even notice his dangly ballsack.

The producer explained that most of the anchors of the show weren’t familiar with The Big Lebowski because they were “in their 20’s and were too young to have seen it”.  So basically I’m old and socially irrelevant and wearing a bed sheet on a show about to be broadcast live over the internet. And this was the point when I decided that these anchor people would regret ever having met me.

So we all sit up on the stage and I’m in the center, looking…fucking ridiculous and coming dangerously close to showing my jubblies to everyone when Matthew mentions that during the interview he’s decided to pose as Jason’s sleazy Italian lawyer who doesn’t speak a word of English.  It made no sense at all which actually made it even more brilliant at that point. Coincidentally this was also the same point when my xanax kicked in.

The show began and consisted largely of video clips of dancing sushi, doggie sex motels and kissing robots.  Then we came on and Tiffany told the male host that we’d be having the Lebowski Fest “in your backdoor” and I start giggling like a 12 year old.  Then I somehow got a microphone and became hypnotized by how fat I looked on the monitor and threatened to show my boobs.  By the time that Jason and Matthew did their Italian-lawyer-demanding-soccer-scores bit the anchors seemed ready to kill themselves.

Our work here was done.

127 thoughts on “If it's Thursday this must be LA”

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  2. this made my whole day — you are always so amazing 🙂 thank you —

    for some reason all my students wanted to have a dress up day — just a day to come to class in costume — they were mostly jealous of the group i took to the art institute in costume and wanted a turn, never mind they had already gotten to stage happenings on the el train, they want is all — and when the chosen day came, only five came in real costume, but that five REALLY came in costume and learning was had because learning in costume lasts a lifetime.

  3. Whatever, you’re adorable in a bed sheet! I don’t know what everyone else was thinking not to dress up! Wish I could have seen the show… sounds awesome. And, of course, The Big Lebowski is great!

  4. Wow! Good luck for your tour and we are all hoping that you will enjoy it and have a safe trip..

  5. Oh my. I used to dress weird all the time. For no reason. Because I could. And I had those moments. You think to yourself, well I am the only person here with 25 ft of dog chain wrapped around my waist, lets try and make the best of it. Don’t do drugs kids.

  6. Just so you know, you’re now the fourth search result in the googlez when you search for “maude lebowski”. Well played, madame. Well played.

  8. I was twenty when you wrote this, and I am proud to say I would’ve been right there with you in a robe and a pair of sunglasses.

  9. The Bloggess abides. 🙂
    Thanks for sharing these classics – to access your old blog posts I otherwise have to keep on clicking “Older posts” until I run out of interest or get distracted by the naked pictures of Nathan Fillon. So I rarely get back far at all…

  10. I’ve mentioned you’re my hero, right? 😀
    @Holly Folly I do that still. I enjoy startling people, shaking them up with something a bit outside their norm, and because you shouldn’t limit yourself to one clothing-style. A person is made up of so many things inside. Princess, Dominatrix, Mother, Lover, Fighter, Sister and depending on anyone reading this, possibly the male equivalents to all of those and more 🙂 We should have an outfit for all of them to express themselves 🙂

    P.S. They don’t normally talk to me so I have to guess what they like

  11. I totally thought you might own Tommy the crossing-dressing squirrel and was disappointed to find out you didn’t. And to think we might be able to see him at the Smithsonian someday!

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/tommy-tucker-eternitys-satin-doll-of-a-squirrel-is-at-last-located/2012/04/18/gIQAu5jeRT_story.html

    “I reached into a large cardboard box and pulled out a Plexiglas vitrine. Inside the plastic cube was Tommy, standing tall and dressed to the nines.”

    “The Tommy Tucker collection includes plenty besides Tommy. There is a small steamer trunk containing some of his tiny dresses. “

  13. Weirdly, I was thinking of this very post a couple of days ago and here it is! I will need to share it with my friends, of course.

  16. I would have loved to have seen that! I’ve always been the weird one of my group of friends, though I will say that being caught at a costume party, especially a televised one, as the only person in costume is one of my most irrational fears.

  18. -oh-my-god

    that is fanfuckingtastic

    I am seriously *SERIOUSLY* angry i won’t get your book till tomorrow

    i NEED this kind of laughter at work

  21. I’ve decided that my husband should stop calling me his wife, and start calling me his special lady.

  22. So I’m pretty sure that this post gave me some sort of bad LSD flashback. Considering I’ve never tried the drug, that is impressive. That’s a whole lot of WTF.

  23. Somehow I missed The Big Lebowski growing up. I had never heard of it until a few years ago and then watched it. The movie is genius. I was mad that no one had ever told me about it.

    Sounds like you guys did the movie justice.

  24. Thanks for the laugh this morning 🙂 Im very impatiently waiting for my book to arrive. Amazon said they shipped it 2 days ago……
    My mailman is going to put out a restraining order on me im pretty sure- Ive scared the crap out of him 2 days in a row now slamming open the door when he hits the front porch and yelling Wolverine…but in the form of a question. I tried to explain to him that I was waiting for the most awesome book on the face of the planet…and that it was even better than the bible,but he backed away slowly and almost missed the last step on the porch. Yesterday I waited until he was safely on te bottom step before I slung the door open.I tossed all the junk mail all over the porch ( no book 🙁 ) ,,im pretty sure I saw him start to run out of the corner of my eye. I may get sued and have a restraining order before this is over.
    I have no patience 🙁 You so rock btw……………..

  25. I’m wondering if it was following this party that FOX News became known as Faux News. hahhahaha!
    THAT is hilarious and I am so sorry that I missed it.
    You look hot in the wig and sheet.

  28. You are my hero! It takes major balls to be able to go on TV in a bedsheet and wig! You rock! This made my day!

  29. This post totally made my morning, and I think I’d still probably want to do you in a wig and a sheet. Just sayin’

  31. I once made a patchwork cloak out of costume scraps from a middle school drama class. It was magnificent, and sparkly! I used to wear it to school, it was particularly fun when it would billow around me and people would avoid the edges because they didn’t want to catch crazy *sigh* Oh, memories.

  32. So THAT was the moment. Good to know. And thank god for that! Otherwise, where would you be? And all of us that adore you and your wackiness. I don’t think I’ve ever actually been happy that FOX News existed. So there’s that. Huh.

  33. This is exactly why WE LOVE YOU !!! I have needed some real laughter in my life lately, and you have provided it in every way possible. From your book to your posts to any and everything else that you provide.

    You Mrs. Jenny “The Bloggess” Lawson are our HERO!

  34. Oy, Rob R., you are aware that local Fox affiliates have absolutely nothing to do with the national cable network, right? /facepalm

  35. Wonderful! Thanks for the laugh this morning. And btw, I’d go anywhere with you in a bed sheet, in fact, I’d go in one too. =) Hope you’re having fun and causing chaos in LA.

  36. Some friends in college had a saying, “As long as you’re naked, you might as well say hi.” Based on this story, I think we can reform it to “As long as you’re wearing a bedsheet, you might as well put down your purse.”

  37. I once started a new job. They told me that everybody was dressing up on the Friday. I painted my entire face white. I wore black tights and a black cape I even had the big plastic teeth in my mouth. I went as a vampire. I walked into the office and nobody else was dressed up it was a prank.

  38. I really needed the laugh of this story. Depression is really trying to make me its bitch today. I can do this. More laughs, Jen!

  39. I work at a bookstore in Canada and we just got your book 2 days ago and I was so very very excited to see it on our shelves. I am so happy for you. Plus, whenever someone buys it I feel like we have a special bond and we talk all about you. Which maybe seems a little creepy, but in the most wonderful way. That is why I will add your book to my staff picks section. Thank you for brightening my whole week and congratulations!

  40. classic!!!! have laughed so much like this for ages, gogh i soooooo needed it, hope the tour is going well!

  43. You are most definitely the most attractive person in that photo. Seriously!

    I am kicking myself because I can’t come to your book tour stop here but I promise I would!

  44. Oh my, reading that post was enough to give me a panic attack. You are simply amazing, i don’t know how you do it, but you are my hero!!

  45. Jenny, if you ever wear that bedsheet in public again you simply must add Mardi Gras beads to it. Bunches of them. Make them think you earned them.

  46. And by the way, I went to my very first meeting of a newly formed book club last night. I brought a cake that said “I am NOT talking to you until you have on underwear.” I’m thinking of making it my new “catch phrase.” I mean, think about it, if the person you say it to is fully dressed then they have to strip down to their underwear before you will talk to them. And if they are naked, then they gotta put on some underwear before you’ll talk to them. Kind of a win-win, I’d say.

  47. I now NEED to see the actual footage of the interview…Please find someone to get it and post. You’re gone. Get Victor to do it 😉

  48. Ahh dammit I just missed you! I was in LA for one day yesterday! Thats like reverse stalking. I go to the place you are and leave one day before younarrive haha just kidding. Well I will check your schedule nd hooe youre coming up north since LA sucks and Nor Cal is much better 🙂

  49. I thought I had read back through all your archives, but I don’t remember this post. Love it! So glad you decided to stick it out (thanks to Xanax). I’m afraid I would have caved at the last minute and hid in the car.

  50. The last couple of days have been a challenge to the idea that God never gives you more than you can handle. Luckily he had you write a book. I’ve laughed out loud, laughed so hard I’ve cried, and laughed until I had to race to the bathroom. Thanks

  51. LOVE YOU SO MUCH! 🙂 Not in the stalker love kind of way. Just in the you are amazing and please don’t ever stop writing kind of way.

    Thank you.

  52. You are unbelievably brave. Or have excellent self-control. Because really, when you’re already that close to flashing your tits, it must become a constant thought on your mind that you ABSOLUTELY MUST NOT show your boobs, and then, perniciously, you want to. I think.

  54. Please don’t ever stop writing and just being all around ridiculously amazing. Also, I can’t believe the anchors thought they were “too young” for the Big Lebowski. I am 21, so about as young in my twenties as I can get and I worship the Big Lebowski (“Where is the money, Lebowski?” “It really tied the room together,” etc. etc.). It’s a cult classic meaning it remains relevent. Jeez.

  55. I’m hoping you got a chance to see this article in the Washington Post:

    Tommy Tucker: Eternity’s satin doll of a squirrel is at last located

    “In the 1940s a cross-dressing squirrel from Washington, D.C., took the nation by storm. With more than 100 outfits to choose from — and such accessories as hats and pearl necklaces — Tommy Tucker captivated adults and children alike. He sold war bonds during World War II and encouraged members of the Tommy Tucker Club to be kind to animals.”

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/tommy-tucker-eternitys-satin-doll-of-a-squirrel-is-at-last-located/2012/04/18/gIQAu5jeRT_story.html?hpid=z5

  56. Ha! I love it. I wore a supermom cape to work for a week last month. Just because I could. Thought about pulling a Britney Spears all mah prerogative and shit…but the world ain’t ready for that.

    Best of luck! And congrats on the book!

  57. Somehow all through reading this I was imagining you in a red bedsheet, and then I get down to the bottom and it’s white. So disappointed!

  61. When Fox News does a South Florida Neil Gaiman Bash – I am so there. I’ve got the perfect Coraline buttons to sew into my eyes.

    BTW, say hello to LA for me – I got kicked out.

  62. It’s been a really crap day…I love coming and reading your posts, they always cheer me up! AND today my copy of your book arrived, I can’t wait to start reading it!

  63. ” It was at that moment, reading a glossy magazine about my vagina and dressed in a bed sheet poised to go on live television, that realized I had lost control of my life.”

    No…you have the BEST LIFE EVER!

    Also, I hatehateHATE when people think they are too cool to wear costumes.

  64. Oh man, I am totally holding your book on my knees under my desk at work and reading whenever no one is around. I have to hold my nose so I don’t laugh loudly and attract attention, which would mean that I would have to stop reading.

    This book is WONDERFUL!!!!! It’s everything your blog is. I can’t believe you had all these stories and never posted them! Love, love, love, love, love!!!!

  65. Ohhh, I bow to your eccentricities. People just think I’m nuts, hold on to their purses tighter and back slowly away from me. (pussies!)

    Please, please, please, please alter your book-signing tour to come to a hotel bathroom within an hour of Indianapolis. (Preferrably Muncie, but hey – I can hitch-hike with my minions..who are actually your minions. (I have to take partial minion credit, because they are my minions-by-proxy. Kinda like Munchausen’s without the diseases and stuff.) Hmm, I just realized my minions-by-proxy & I actually do have diseases – but not the “infectious” kind. JUST fibro, arthritis, super-duper anxiety & depression and an assortment of others. Nothing dangerous though. Heehee.

    My life is going down the big, swirling, clogged septic tank right now & meeting you would be a highlight to this really shitty year of crazy ex-husband, serious health issues …and all that other sucky stuff.

    Thank you for brightening my days, you are incredible and bring me great joy.

  66. OK, raise your hand if you were considering going to a book signing dressed as The Bloggess Dressed As Maude…
    …
    Just me?
    (runs back home to put clothes on)

  67. i wish i still had my viking horns, i’d wear them to the writer’s guild tonight. instead, i’ll just wear a wig.

    got my book yesterday, updated my blog and will update it some more with pics from tonight (if i’m allowed to take them)

    WELCOME TO LA!

  68. I have the sad. I wont be able to meet you tonight 🙁 you will be awesome. I need to get your book.

  69. Okay, maybe you just don’t realize where Canada is…there is a large mass (not to be confused with cancer) above the US. It is enormous, but we mainly occupy the bottom sliver. We pretend its because of the weather, but really we are protecting our border. But we’ll let you in. I promise. Toronto would be your best bet, but I can promise that if you come all the way to Peterborough (which is only a couple of hours from Toronto anyway), there will be about 6million people at your signing. And by 6million, I mean 6, but we are really awesome, so we each count for about a million.

  71. I am a happy camper.. my book arrived today, a day earlier than expected. Which means, I get to have it while we are traveling this weekend! I thought I wouldn’t get to have it until next week when we get back. Enjoying going down memory lane with you!

  72. Lol! Jason and Tiffany told me this story a few weeks ago! Nice to see the video to support it!!

  73. Got your book via Kindle, and I can’t help but read it out loud to my hubby. Fan-frickin’ tastic!

  74. Reading your book and I LOVE it. May you sell bazillions. Good luck on the book tour.

  75. If I ever have children, they will be listening to the audio from Big Lebowski in the womb. They will start getting quizzed on script elements at 6. Their penis drawings will be graded and they’ll be making me white russians by 7.

    Holy shit, I just talked myself into having children.

  76. Hi! So, I just finished reading ALL of your blogs on here (I’m starting Sexis next) and I bought your book yesterday. I LOVE YOU! Annnd, I’m hoping to come see you so you can sign my book/boobs/shirt when you’re in Miami-ish. I’m short and have a big butt and red hair. And you probably won’t read this, but just smile and nod when I bring it up because that’s what I would do. : ) I’ll bring some extra Zoloft for you just in case too.
    Oh! My red dress is pole dancing, so maybe

  77. You could not look more adorable in a sheet and a red wig if you were actually Maude! And I laughed so hard I cried, and hyperventilated when I read about Rambo washing the soap bar, in his pants. Seriously couldn’t stop laughing long enough to tell my fiance what I was laughing like an insane person at. When I finally got it together long enough to share, he then also laughed until he cried.
    Thank you for making that experience possible.

  78. So wish I could fly to LA right now.
    Hey, here’s an idea: come to Kansas City! Yeah, we can have a party here, with wine slushies, ponies, and a bunch of people from around here who would love to get your book signed in person. I can even distribute twine at the door, so everyone will have their very own twine. We’ll take pictures. Of the twine, of course.

  80. Okay, so I haven’t read through the whole thing yet, but I just have to say that my eyes immediately landed on “So I dressed up in my ‘post-coital Maude’ outfit” which made me wonder why you were dressing at Bea Arthur (the red wig thing didn’t compute at all, apparently). Went back to the top and it all made sense.

    Come to Asheville, North Carolina!

  81. Ok, so hit the submit button too soon. Anyways, my red dress is pole dancing, and I started taking lessons a few weeks ago because I was like “F-it, I may work in a jail, but I gotta know the business of the peeps we’re arresting” (not really) I was like “F-it! I want to pole dance” So I did! Maybe I can teach you some moves! He he eheeeeeee. I am not crazy. Well, not psychotic. K, bye!

  82. So I just wanted to drop a comment and say HI and I just finished your book and I LURVED it so much. I’ve had a couple of friends who have encouraged me to read your blog and when I finally did it was like, HOLY SHIT how did she get inside my head?!

    I once had a give a presentation wearing a bedsheet, which was not as cool as being on the news, of course. But it was supposed to be a toga. I was Plato. It all made sense at the time.

    Also, I just went to see my therapist and told her to read your book and I’m also freaking out about a huge presentation I’m giving next week, and she wrote me a prescription for “something musicians use to combat stage fright” and I thought, hey, that sounds familiar! Because you mentioned that in one of your interviews about the book tour. So woo hoo, cocaine for me! (Okay, it’s actually blood pressure medicine, I think.)

    Stay strong and have fun and I hope the tour is a smashing success!

  84. What a fantastic story! I once went to a non-costume party in costume after being talked into it by two friends also in costume. One of them was Marilyn Monroe in the white dress and the other was a South Philly bimbo…so basically they looked regular. I was Wonder Woman. Yeah… Didn’t involve televised shenanigans, just being 86-ed from McDonald’s.

  87. I don’t know why you couldn’t just go in there and be all like, “I’m the only one dressed up?? It’s because I’m awesome.” and ROCK that sheet and your ladybits! You look aaa-fucking-dorable. It’s just amazing how inspirational you can be without even trying!

  88. I’ll be there, not dressed up, but dragging a husband who does not realize yet how much he will adore your work. And if not, he can stare at Soleil Moon Frye’s boobs. So really it’s a win-win.

  89. OMG my book arrived today!!!!! I have so much work to do this weekend and NONE of it is getting done because I can’t stop laughing long enough.

    BUT where the fuck is my book plate? I pre-ordered on Amazon and did whatever it was I was supposed to do to get a bookplate and then my credit card was stolen and I had to get a new one and I didn’t update Amazon and when your book was released Amazon sent me an email saying “Where the fuck is our money, bitch” and I sent one back saying they’d better “send me the fucking book,” or something like that but with less cursing. And then I paid for the book and IT CAME TODAY but no bookplate. So… where the fuck is my bookplate?

    If you don’t want to give me a bookplate I understand and am willing to consider alternative terms like you coming personally to my house and signing the book here. We have raccoon skulls and deer hooves and a dead sheep’s carcass in our house so you’ll feel right at home. I can put Jams on the raccoon if you like.

  90. I just wanted to say that I received the signed bookplate from when I pre-ordered the book, and it made my day! Thank you Jenny!

  91. But I haven’t gotten my book yet, so Heather you are way ahead of me because as cool as the bookplate is it doesn’t really hold my attention for all that long… Here’s hoping my book comes soon.

  94. Like Deliverance, The Big Lebowski is a movie I’ve never seen, but I get the references. Am I weird? I laughed my head off at this blast from the past post though!! Thank you for sharing it again!! 🙂

  96. Jenny, you are the bestest. Thank you for understanding my life. Can’t wait to read your book. Can’t wait to read your blog every day, for that matter. Have fun on your tour, and for god’s sake keep us posted.

    <3 Amy B

  97. I just want to say, I got your book in the mail yesterday evening….and I may have gone to work today with a little less sleep than I should have (at least it was entertaining)….well worth it. I was in tears laughing. Fabulous.

  98. I just finished reading your book and loved every second of it and it taught me an important lesson about myself. I often get chupacabra and capybara confused… this could be a dangerous habit. If you think you are dealing with a capybara and it is really a chupacabra things could get serious really quickly. For example: Someone says there is a chupacabra outside but I’m thinking capybara so I go out side because I think they are kinda cute and awesome in a R.O.U.S. kinda way… and I’m slaughter by a chupacabra. So, basically, your book may have saved my life because I am now dedicated to making sure that I remember the difference. I might have to make flashcards.

  99. Jenny- I’m coming to see you tomorrow!!!!!!! I can’t wait. I don’t have xanex, but I do know the ‘hood and drive a mean get-away vehicle just in case you feel the urge to escape. I have to be ultra annoying because I’m representing my entire book club- they couldn’t come because they are going to Tease-o-Rama which apparantly has nothing to do with hairdos. They also still may be hungover from our first ever book babe trip to Vegas. Whatever- I’m coming and bringing Beyonce with me.

  100. Oh, Jenny. You are the epitome of awesome. I hope that whatever woman (man, Snooki, or sheep) gets stuck with me is as awesome as you are.

  101. Just wanted to drop you a note to say the Tulsa Oklahoma library system has 5 copies of your new book. All 5 copies are out and there is a 66 person waiting list right now.
    /glad I bought my own copy
    //too impatient to wait.

  103. I totally can’t believe you were the only one in costume. Kudos to you for not totally losing it the minute you walked in the door. Thanks for bringing these old posts back out for us to read!

  105. About to start reading your book. So excited it’s here already!

    Ooh, maybe I should make myself a wine-slushee to celebrate.

    By the way, my computer doesn’t recognize wine-slushee. What’s up with that? It’s like it doesn’t even know me anymore. Come on, computer, look at the browsing history thingy, for heaven’s sake.

    Now, let’s read. 🙂

  108. I’m crying and laughing so hard reading your book I’m afraid I’ll wake up the neighbors. If I do wake them up, I’ll buy them a copy, so we can all laugh and cry together.
    Thank you so much for this!!!

  109. Jenny, don’t ever stop being you!(kind of a dumb saying when you think about it. I mean who else would you be? Hmm, maybe if you were possessed by a demon and hanging to your own will by a fraction of a sorta-Christian-thought) but I digress. I am super excited that Amazon told me my boo was shipped! Although I have to wait till July any2ays as it was shipped to my Canadian address (without a bookplate I might add! Yes I’m harping on that….) because I currently live in South Korea. Just one m0re thing to look forward too when I visit home.

  113. Lol, it was already funny, and then came the photograph. Priceless 🙂

    I’m not sure it’s good to admit this, but my life sometimes feels that ridiculous. At one point, I was a celibate-for-years conservative lawyer in the courtroom by day and seduction teacher by night and weekends, becoming “famous” by writing posts about “how to seduce a celibate girl,” attending workshops about how to pick up porn stars, with college-age guys all wanting to marry me, and all of it under the umbrella of profound spirituality. And one day, I looked at my life and said “how could this have possibly happened lol?”

    Hahaha, fortunately it was all leading somewhere beautiful. Thanks for a fun post 🙂

  114. Fox News chill my whole day long,I do love this one because this is full of great ideas…

  116. Dear Jenny,
    It’s basically your fault my friend failed all her finals. Well actually, I don’t know if she failed them, but she failed to STUDY for them. But it’s your fault for releasing your book during finals week. What I’m saying is, she totally deserves a MEDAL for putting down your book long enough to go to the testing center. So do you think you could write the University and tell them that if they don’t give her a medal, they should at least give her all A’s? Because she got your book for me, too. She’s a pretty rockin’ friend. I blame you both for the fact that I am still up at 5:30 am after reading all night. For the record, she gave it to me after finals so you didn’t cause me to fail. Anyways, thanks for writing the letter to get her a medal. And a decent gpa.
    Love,
    Ashleigh

  117. Also, one time I gave a presentation wearing a sheet. I was supposed to be Jesus. And 11 year old girl version of Jesus. It made sense at the time. Now it just helps me understand why I need therapy so bad.

  118. Oh, and even though my friend and I already got our books in the mail, today we were at Target and we were like, “OMG we have to go see the book on the shelf because that makes it even more official” and we did and it was on the bestsellers shelf and we were like, “We are so happy for Jenny. She doesn’t know who we are, but we are so happy for her.” OK, enough commenting for me.

  119. Just wanted to let you know… Today is my birthday and you just made it special. Cause I made my best friend skype me and unwrap the present she got me as I was too excited to wait as I wont see her for a month or two. And it was your book. And it was the best present anyone could’ve given me. Way better than world peace.

  120. I went to see you at the reading/signing last night and it was so awesome!! Thank you for being you and writing a hilarious book! Now that we’ve met, I’m going to refer to you as “my friend Jenny” and pretend we know each other really well. 🙂

  121. I dated a guy 12 years older than me; it’s amazing how easy it is to pretend you don’t see a dangly ballsack.

  122. Thanks for coming out to Los Angeles, Jenny-girl.

    You are awesome.

    And I really wanted to steal your shoes.
    But didn’t.

    Clearly,
    I am maturing.

    Love to you, and best wishes for a calm and hilarious book tour!

    I Kissed a Weasel

  123. I just got my copy of your book and can’t wait to read it. My 5-year old son just looked at the cover and said, “That’s Stuart Little in a vampire costume!”

  124. I moved from Montana to LA just in time to learn that you were going to go on tour in LA! As a fangirl of your writing, I was sooo excited until I learned that they day you came to LA when I could finally see you…I had to go back to Montana for a few days. I am sorry I missed you, but I got your book immediately anyway. Then I laughed till I cried over your highschool chapter because the whole reason I went back to MT was to defend my Master’s thesis…after 2 years of data collected from having my hand up a sheep’s ass. Seriously…Thank You for making me laugh so much. I hope it all went well for you.

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Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

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