This is not a real post

in phoning it in, Random Crap

This isn’t a real post.  It’s just a bunch of follow-ups to old ones:

1.  My laptop is still stolen.  The airline is still silent on what they found on their video cameras.  I’m still incredibly stupid for trusting American Airlines with it.  They offered me $900 in vouchers which I told them I don’t want.  Luckily though, I’ve made enough money off of my stickers (version 1 and 2) to replace my old laptop.  That is the beauty of buying a very cheap laptop.  GIANT THANK YOUS GO HERE.

2.  me to Victor:  I just got invited to speak at a blog conference in Kokomo.

Victor:  You’re not going to Kokomo.

me:  You can’t tell me what to do.

Victor:  …Because Kokomo is a fictional island invented by the Beach Boys.

me:  OH.  Wait…I meant Kosovo.  That’s a real place, right?

Victor:  This is why you never get the blue pie when we play Trivia.

3.  The first ever bloggess book club starts in 8.5 hours (7p central) and we’ll be discussing the first few chapters right here.  There will be a new discussion thread here tomorrow to discuss chapters 3 through 7.  Unless this whole thing fails miserably.  Then I’ll just show up and talk about ponies and how to make booze slushees.

4.  There is no number 4.

5.  Hailey made a fruit bat headband because she’s really into fruit bats right now (?) and the cats have taken to wearing it whenever they’re resting.  It’s like a fucking sleeping mask for cats who want to seem ready for an attack even when they’re unconscious.  There’s not a joke in here.  This is just my life.  Ferris Mewler right now:

"HELLO."

281 thoughts on “This is not a real post”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. He’s trying to FUCKING SLEEP, Jenny. And you’re taking his picture? This is why you have vomit in your shoes.

  3. The philosophical conundrum of “There is no number 4” positioned as number 4 is making my head spin.

  5. Slow your roll. There’s a Kokomo, Indiana. Don’t think that place isn’t festering with glamour, intrigue, and Midwestern sensibility.

  6. Oy, poor Ferris.

    Then again, he doesn’t look that bothered.

    Kosovo? Hmmmm …

  7. Kokomo is actually a real place! It’s a town in central Indiana. It is not some place you want to go to. They do have a lot of strip clubs though.

  9. Kokomo is a real place – in Indiana. You can Google map it and everything. That said (having been to Kokomo), Kosovo sounds way more interesting.

  11. What is this fruit bat phenomenon? I was substituting in a kindergarten class last week and the kids made up and performed a fruit bat play complete with masks and wings. They would have started a cheetah play if we hadn’t run out of time…

  13. Yes, there is a Kokomo in Indiana! Because of that, the first few times my sister heard that Beach Boys song she thought it was a pardody by one of the Indianapolis radio stations–the idea of Kokomo as some kind of tropical paradise was pretty hilarious.

  16. I’d just like to point out that Kokomo is a real place – it’s the town in northern Indiana where I grew up: http://www.cityofkokomo.org/

    It’s definitely not tropical, or as nice as the pictures on the website make it look. Also, there’s probably not a blog conference there; at least, not one you’d want to go to. You don’t seem to blog about monster trucks and corn very often.

    Still, you can tell Victor that Kokomo is totally not fictional.

  18. Leigh, dummy me always wondered why the Beach Boys were singing about a town in Indiana as if it were some exotic, sexy place. Must have been the allure of the strip clubs.

  20. I say go to Kokomo; Victor has no imagination. Although I generally loathe bats of any sort, I think Ferris looks kind of handsome.

  22. I once had all my panties stolen out of my suitcase after an AA flight to Atlanta. I only wish I had requested video. For the record, I never even got an offer of a voucher. Apparently they didn’t fit.

  23. oh burrrrrrrrrrrrrrn Victor! Kokomo IS real! Jenny, you should make Victor cite his references from here on out. You’ve been deprived of the blue pie for far too long. Why would you believe a guy who married a chick who collects taxidermied rodents?

  26. I think it is funny that so many people wrote about Kokomo, Indiana if I have my Indiana towns correct the only thing they are famous for is being complete assholes to Ryan White.

  27. I’ve never been to Kokomo but Kosovo’s actually kind of fantastic. If the conference is in Pristina you’ll be greeted on your way into the city by a giant golden statue of Bill Clinton. Despite that Kosovo is still pretty great.

  30. I’ve long thought that King Fred could use a sleep mask, from the amount of times I find him sleeping with his paw over his eyes. Clearly I need to make a bat mask for him. 🙂

  31. That picture of Ferris Mewler should totally be submitted to stuffonmycat.com (or whatever that Stuff On My Cat website is). He’s rocking that mask. Love it!! LOL! See you at the book club!

  34. “Ooooooh I wanna take you down to Kokomo [Indiana]. We’ll get there fast, and then we’ll take it slooooow [because there’s nothing to do in Kokomo, Indiana]. Thaaaat’s wheeeeere weeee [don’t] waaaaaant to gooooooooo.”

  35. Hmmmm… Kokomo is a real place. And they tell me I can’t learn anything from the internets.

  36. Is she really into fruit bats or….weird alien bat creatures that are coming to invade us and only our children are intercepting their telepathic communications through their dreams?

  39. The fruit bat thing reminds me of third grade. Every time we had an assignment to write a story about animals, I would retell “Star Wars”. Only with animals. I still have little books of “Lion Wars” and “Horse Wars” and “Tiger Wars”. If only Mrs. Winters had let me complete my epic masterpiece, “Elephant Wars”.

    Okay, so I might have a few issues…

  40. As others have pointed out, there is a real Kokomo. And it does seem to host conferences. But I don’t know about a blogging conference.

  41. I bet some stud in Kokomo would be happy to hold some twine for you.

  42. Now I have a Beach Boys earworm.

    For anyone interested in the book club, in the very unlikely event that you don’t already have a copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (or maybe you accidentally dropped yours in the toilet), I accidentally ordered two copies off the inter-webs and I’m now giving away my extra. You can leave a comment to win: http://mamanongrata.com/?p=1796

  43. That mask would be perfect when I have teenagers. I can scare the crap out of them when they are late for curfew but still be sleeping. Ferris is a parenting GENIUS.

  44. But I *want* to go to Kokomo, damn it! (I never got the blue pie either Jenny:)
    Glad to see everything’s normal in The Bloggess household!
    Love the name Ferris Mewler, and he loves that photo, thank you very much;-)

  46. Um. I don’t think I would go to Kosovo either. Wait, what the fuck me? I would totally go to Kosovo. While you’re in the “area” you should also book a visit to Chernobyl. Because that would be enviably awesome.

  48. Dammit, why do people INSIST on giving me earworms?! Now I’ll have that wretched [not really] song stuck in my head until I can fob it off on someone else.

  50. I have driven through or been to Kokomo, IN, or the armpit of Indiana as we say here in South Bend, IN, far more times than I’d care to admit. You could stay at the Koko Hotel!!! I think it has a palm tree on it.

  51. Wow…that’s one deep sleeping cat!
    My husband thought it was a Stitch mask, until I explained it was a fruit bat, then it went back on to his “is that cat even alive?? why is the cat wearing a mask” kick again. I swear, we stopped listening to each other around 3 years into marriage.

  52. Hmmm….Kokomo, Indiana and Strip Clubs. Do you think they got confused and think that The Bloggess is a stripper name and that you do some kind of Erotic striptease while reading a blog?

  53. She probably likes fruit bats ’cause they’re also called megabats, and anything with “mega” as a prefix is bound to be pretty awesome.

  55. Cool! We’re gonna talk about how to make booze slushies tonight… and ponies?! Kick ass. I was already excited about the book, but now I’m super duper excited. Love the sleeping mask.

  56. Take the vouchers and donate to a women’s charity. Just tell them to be careful what they pack!

  57. There’s a Kokomo, Indiana. But you don’t want to go there. Indianapolis would love to have you, though!

  58. Knew about Kokomo in Indiana, not so much about the strip clubs. Guess I don’t know the right or wrong people. ;D The Wikipedia link mentions several Kokomos. I think you should go to the one in Hawaii.

  60. I got quite excited that you would be speaking at the Kokomo, IN conference, even though the likelihood of Kokomo having such a conference seemed small. Then I realized that commuting to Kosovo for a conference would probably not be nearly as efficient for me.

  64. LOL Why would you even question her being into Fruit Bats… I mean honestly that seems tame compared to where she could be.

    Also the cats are brilliant ninjas, unless the other cats realize it’s a mask … then they just look like silly fruit bat cats.

  65. I’m not going to tell you to tell Victor that Kokomo is real. You know what to do.

    I will tell you that if you add 15 times 4 to 4, you’ll get my age. But not until Wednesday. Unless there really isn’t any 4, in which case I don’t exist. (WTF? There’s MATH?)

    I have 2 copies of your book and “friends” have both of them! They’ll probably be participating in your Book Club.

  67. For what it’s worth, in addition to Kokomo, IN, there is also a resort in Jamaica that is now called Sandals Cay that used to be called Kokomo Island, as an homage to the Beach Boys song. Which would be an EXCELLENT place to hold a blogging conference. But not if you actually wanted people to attend the speakers at the conference. Which may have worked out in a twisted way. You get to be a key note speaker and not have to worry about being infront of a crowd of people because they are all drinking mai tais and scoring weed from the locals.

  68. In addition to Kokomo, Indiana there is also a Kokomo in Arkansas, Mississippi and Hawaii. Fun fact of the day.

    Bonus fun fact: All but 2 states have a town or city named Farmington.

  70. I’m fascinated by how many people know that there’s a Kokomo, Indiana. My mom lived there once, I think. Before I was born (apparently it seems I should be very thankful for this). When she was stationed at the nearby Air Force Base? Something like that. Hard to remember things before you were born. It’s funny though, she never said a word about the strip clubs…..

  71. I can’t even post anything that makes sense right now because that picture has me laughing hysterically. Oh my god.

    I wonder if I can try that with my cats. Wonder what they’d do. To me. heh.

    Will be present tonight. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. And you.

  72. All of the funny comments have been made and I have nothing to add.

    Except that I will be talking about your book with you. So there. You won’t be alone. And you know where to find me – or I like to think I’m cool enough that you could consider finding me if I show up late or whatever. So you know you’re not alone. As if. Whatever I am saying means nothing. I am trying to ensure my child doesn’t stab herself while peeling a cucumber. So there.

  73. Dangit…I teach a class until 7:45 tonight. I hope the slushies are still on when I get home!

    This morning the local “hard rock” radio station here talked about a strip club in Duluth (MN) with a display of stuffed chipmunks (or possibly squirrel) in various bar scenes including a poker game, sitting at the bar, and some sort of bar brawl.

    I’m sure it was the taxedermied rodents that made me thinik of you, not that the rodents are posed in mini-bar scenes in a strip club…

  75. I was going to say something about Indiana. But that’s been covered.
    So…this is not a real comment.

  76. You should sell fruit bat headbands/sleeping masks for cats in your store. I think there’s a silent demand for them. Silent because it’s the cats demanding them, but they have serious communication issues.

  77. I just want to say, just like so many other assholes before me, that Kokomo is a real place, in Indiana, and apparently a bunch of other places. Now read my blog, because only a hundred or so of you read it yesterday from here. GO. NOW!

  78. Good thing it’s not a real post because this isn’t a real comment.

    AA might not be able to tell you what’s on the camera. There might be a super-secret conspiracy involved in taking YOUR laptop. If they talk about it their cover is blown and they’ll have to answer to Big Scary People who might do Mean Things to them. Keeping silent about your laptop is the only thing keeping them safe.

  79. I want to know why we can’t have a meeting to just talk about ponies and how to make booze slushies in ADDITION to the book club. Also, I say take their damn vouchers…. it’s hell to get an airline to give you extra peanuts these days… take whatever they’ll give you.

  81. It’s kind of a hard toss up deciding whether to wish that it’s Kokomo, Indiana or Kosovo. :/

    I’m geeked on the book chat, though! 🙂

  82. I so feel for you on the laptop. Last year I was excessively stupid and left my laptop bag in my unlocked van one night. Next morning – gone. Bag gone along with my laptop, fucking external hard drive backup, Kindle, portable projector, and my favorite fountain pen. That was a hard stupid tax to pay. I now online auto back up.

  83. My niece was into fruit bats but not just any fruit bats. They had to be _Mongolian_ fruit bats. She wanted to be a MONGOLIAN fruit bat for Halloween one year, not a fruit bat. Her mom made her a fruit bat costume and took her to Mongolian BBQ for dinner. Done.

  84. I broke two laptops and an iPad in one month. One lost to a glass of $2.99 wine, one lost to my two-year-old and one lost to a game of Words with Friends while in the bathroom.

  85. I’ve been to Kosova, so if you want a travel buddy, just let me know.

    Be warned, though, they’ll put a fried egg on your pizza.

  86. If I had that mask on the back of my head, NO ONE would come into my cubicle. Because honestly, the handgun sitting on my quarterly sales report isn’t working.

  87. Clearly Haley was handed down the awesome gene. You should totally market the “Do it yourself, fruit bat cat hat making kit” For every one sold, one gets given to shelter cats…cause those guys like to dress up too…probably.

  89. You had me at booze slushies….although I did actually read your book and LOVED IT!!

    You really need to have your daughter start selling those kitty sleeping masks on Etsy or some handmade place – I’m telling you they would sell out like hot cakes!

  90. Okay, I’m going to stand up for Kokomo. IT’S A REAL FUCKING PLACE. It just doesn’t exist in the Florida Keys. It’s in Indiana. In the middle of a fucking cornfield.

    Kokomo is home to the first test drive of an automobile, the first WOMAN to drive an automobile, the invention of Stellite and stainless steel, a huge stuffed bull and a big ol’ sycamore trunk, and way too many fucking stoplights. And me. A very real person. I fucking promise. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kokomo,_Indiana

  92. Question is….if you HAD to choose….which place would you rather travel to? Kokomo or Kosovo?

    Y’know, on the off off off chance that there is a blog conference in both.

  95. Re/ the fruit bat thing – at least you know it’s not because she was reading Christopher Moore’s Island of the Sequined Love Nun, yet. Roberto the talking fruit bat is a character in there.

  96. Jesus, for a minute I thought Hailey was already wearing dead animals to be just like her mom. And while they look fabulous on you, I think seeing a young one with a dead bat on her head might push some people over the line. I’d hate for someone to call CPS on you.

  97. I am glad you got another laptop, even though you lost all your stuff on the old one. I wanted so badly to be a part of the book club but my library only had two copies of your book. One copy is checked out, and the other one is “in transit” between local library branches. I can’t get the available copy that is in transit because it already has a hold on it. So I may just stop by and check out the comments. I hate missing the discussions!

  100. I nearly wee’d myself in excitement. I live less than an hour away from Kokomo, IN. Faaaaaiiiiiiillll!

  101. In my house, my husband Danny would insist on saying “So that means I was right and you were wrong…” and frankly, I would do the same thing. Victor didn’t say ANYTHING like that about putting your laptop in your SUItCASE? Give it up for VICTOR- he’s a keeper. Jenny, you owe him big time! wink wink. love, Laurie F.

  104. The Ryan White Made for T.V. Movie was a staple of my childhood. Every year my parents would send us to Tennessee to spend two weeks with my grandparents who, in preparation for our visit, would tape made for t.v. movies so we wouldn’t get bored. (Thanks, Grandma.) Other classics of my youth include Dance Until Dawn (where I learned the color “puce”) and the Jessica McClure story. So, um, yeah – no new or helpful information here – Kokomo totally exists, and it really started the whole “AIDS-Made-For-TV-Movie” genre. I’m pretty sure.

  105. There’s a Kokomo Indiana, a Kokomo, Arkansas, and Kokomo, Hawaii. If I were you, I’d go for Hawaii.

  109. I dunno, this reads like a real post…I love when you mess with our minds. Which is every damn day.

  114. And by the way, I live in DULUTH, MINNESOTA, home of the dried animal strip club, but I don’t go there because I don’t want my shoes to stick to the floor. If you know what I’m getting at. Ew.

  115. I’m from Kokomo,IN too. I guess you can go check out the big ass tree stump & record setting large steer that was taxidermied…..otherwise it’s factories and a really good pretzel shop.

  116. Coming from a town near Kokomo, IN, one question will not leave me alone… Why would a town with a large Amish/Mennonite community host a conference about blogs?!?
    And I wish my cat would wear a bat sleep mask. It’d be cute.

  119. The cay Kokomo is now called Sandals Cay. Sandals resorts bought it and changed it’s name.

  120. Also just fyi- ryan white did not attend classes at kokomo high school. He went to a county school & they are the ones who kicked him out. Kokomo, in this, was not involved. We kust happenef to be the closest biggest town in 30 miles.

  125. I love that your daughter is now obsessed with fruit bats. They’re awesome (the original flying monkeys, if you will)!

    You should totally show her this baby fruit bat rehab video:

  126. Hi Jenny, Do I need to have a web cam to do the book club thing? How does it work? I LOVE you book girl. YOu are so funny and it makes me so happy to read something so hilarious and also truthful. Thanks for lightening things up! – Katie

  127. I’m on Vicodin right now because I had surgery last week and that picture of Ferris Mewler in the fruit bat mask literally made my heart stop. MADE MY HEART STOP. That photo should really have a warning before it, like a ‘here’s a disturbingly scary as shit mask on my cat that Hailey made that will make your heart stop if you had your tonsils out a week ago.’

    Also, damn bad Grammar making it sound like Hailey made the cat and not the mask. You know what I mean.

  128. ::clutches pearls:: How DARE you put a mask on Ferris Mewler, cat with the best name ever! Oh the horror!

    Also I’m totally okay talking about ponies and boozey slushies. The best boozey slushie? Swedish Fish Rita’s Water Ice and Pinnacle Whipped Cream Vodka. You’re welcome in advance.

  129. I’m pretty sure that Ferris was just huffing marker fumes and has passed out.

  130. Wait…so do the cats push their heads inside the headband and then go to sleep? Because that would be awesome.

    I’m guessing that the headband is thoughtfully placed onto already sleeping cats….

    Either way, that picture of Ferris is the best part of my day by far.

  131. The point of Kokomo isn’t that it does or doesn’t exist…its a state of mind. As proven in the lyrics below:

    Everybody knows
    A little place like Kokomo
    Now if you wanna go
    And get away from it all
    Go down to Kokomo

    Everybody knows Victor….EVERYBODY!!

  132. Wait, Kokomo isn’t a real island? Ummm…

    Also, can we talk about your book AND how to make booze slushees?

  134. The idea that you’re book club could fail is laughable. But if the alternative is ponies and booze slushees, then it’s a win-win.

    Yesterday, my best girlfriend at work had a pretty horrible day, so we ended it with me going into her office and reading two chapters from your book. Those laughs were better (and cheaper) than therapy.

    See you at 7.

  136. Um, your, not you’re.

    Of all places to make that typo (along with others). Obviously, I need to make proofreading more a priority.

  137. I’m so glad that a bunch of people replied saying that Kokomo is a real place because I thought it was too and then I realized I was probably wrong because I never get the blue pie either. (That’s geography, right? We only have the SNL Edition of Trivial Pursuit and their pies have nothing to do with smart stuff like science and geography and history. Well, unless the history of SNL counts.)

  138. My cat Peaches would have not only torn that fruit bat mask off, but clawed every human within 100 ft. of said mask. Peaches is old, cranky and not a mask wearer. That being said, your cat looks lovely in his fruit bat mask…maybe he really is a superhero cat. Fruit Bat Cat!

  139. TSA stole my benzos out of my suitcase. As in, my legally prescribed, strictly controlled, schedule 1 meds that you don’t get replaced!! Shame on me for displacing them out of my carry-on to make room for, yanno, shit for my kids to play with on the plane? I called the sheriff, they told me to report it to TSA. TSA told me to report it to the sheriff. No police report = no replacement. Immediate withdrawal is FUN! Thanks for a hellish month, you asshats!

    Down here, they go hardcore stealing shit from the tourists in Orlando (MCO), especially the international ones. One asshole baggage handler was stealing iPads, taking pictures of them with his phone, stuffing them in his pants, selling them on eBay on a one day auction or BIN for ridic low prices, then swinging by the post office after his shift to ship his pilfered stuff. TSA sucks; never fly through ANY airport in Florida with any type of valuables in your checked bags. They’ll conveniently leave a note in your bag that your bag has been searched if the x-ray reveals anything of any possible interest. Next time I fly, I’m taking some old empty bottles of Percocet and loading them up with Tylenol as an experiment. Bastards.

  140. I hear fruit bats are all the rage right now, so just consider Hailey ‘fashion forward.’ As for Kosovo, I just read that it ‘is the newest nation of the 21st century, still struggling to be recognized in the world’s complex political and economic structure.’ I think a visit by The Bloggess would help give them the credibility they need. Onward ho!

  141. This post could be the BIGGEST earworm EVAH!!!!!!
    Love to prove my husband wrong, I just wish I had an army of people to help me!
    Kathryn

  142. Yes, people have already told you there is a Kokomo, Indiana and it’s true! I’ve driven through it dozens of times, in five minutes or less. And if you come to Kokomo to, say, discuss your book and blog, I would happily show up! Mostly, because I wouldn’t want you to be alone. I don’t think Kokomo has the internet yet… but I’m sure we could meet friendly street people who are learning to read. It would be community service!

    Poor putty tat, getting paparazzi-ed in his own house…

  143. This from the internets (Victor should do his research if he wants that next blue pie piece!), “The place referred to as “Kokomo” in the song is fictional. Although Kokomo, Indiana, Kokomo, Arkansas, Kokomo, Hawaii and several other Kokomos do exist, the song refers to a place “off the Florida Keys.”[2] The name was later used by resorts in Sandals Cay, Jamaica, and Grassy Key, Florida. The song also mentions many places in or near the Caribbean: in order of their appearance in the song, Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda, Bahama(s), Key Largo, Montego, Martinique, Montserrat, Mustique and Port-au-Prince.” – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kokomo_(song)

    -Much love

  144. LOVE the fruit bat mask. My cats would never think to wear it to sleep in, or wear it at all. And I just got your book from the library and I’m sure I woke the neighbors since my windows were open and there windows were open and I kept bursting out in OMG laughter and having to use my inhalor. It is one of the best books that I’ve ever read and I’m torn between trying to really savor it and finding out whathappensnextreally fast. And when I say best books ever, that’s really saying a lot because I am 55 and I’ve read a shitload of books.

  145. Oh My Gosh!! I ADORE you! You have made me laugh harder, longer, and more often than anyone or anythign has for a long time. Thank you for being a major highlight of my day! Never stop sharing your hilarious perspective on yoru amazing life!!

  146. Ferris Mewler? I MUST steal that name for the kitten we may never get. If we ever get him.

  147. I just want to let you know that you are not responsible for other people’s criminal behavior. Victim blaming hurts a lot of people, and you are hurting yourself with it. You did not steal a laptop. You are not stupid and it isn’t your fault. Realize that some bastard stole your laptop and American Airlines is covering for him and IT IS NOT YOUR GODDAMN FAULT.

    xo

  149. I’d be a little concerned that the “airborne syphilis” stickers would get me a nice sitdown with the authorities.

    I haven’t flown in…years. I didn’t check bags that time, just had a big purse and a backpack. This was pre-patdown era.

    I hope American Airlines gets their shit together.

  150. I don’t have children but think any child who could be into fruit bats is a child I actually wouldn’t mind sitting next to on a plane. That would be some fascinating conversation.

  152. He looks like an asian acrobat in circ du soliel. I’m not sure if they were actually asian. Their faces and masks were painted like geishas. Anyways you might want to keep an eye on him for signs of wanting to join the circus.

  153. Hold out for Kokomo. And if you are actually going to Kosovo, let me know – I have a friend who spent some time there and you might want to find out what you are in for……

  154. Awwww dammit! Come to Indiana, you have a small cult following here. (not the scary stalkery kind–the kind that we want to give you booze & unicorns & hide in the bathroom with you cult. Because that’s how we (me & my kids) roll.
    My heart skipped a beat when you said Kokomo, it’s less than an hour through the (children of the) cornfields from us.
    And, I’ve been to the ‘classy’ strip club there. People come from all over to this boobie mecca of strippers.
    Besides, nothing exciting happens here, well except that football thing this spring. That was just a fluke though.

  155. Holy shit! Totally did not see a #4 and didn’t believe Diana’s #3 comment. Had to go back… AND THERE IT WAS! You friggin blow my mind every time, Jenny. BTW…. Fierce kitty.

  157. Dude I was totally born in Kokomo. Does that mean I’m fictional or that Victor is wrong? I’m gonna say Victor is wrong bc I’m totally team Jenny here but between you and me…being fictional does explain alot about my life.

  159. i don’t know anything, really, about indiana or fruit bats but i do know that i am bouncing on my seat waiting for my stickers to show up so i can stick them on everything and maybe everyone in my house…except the lizard because she’s pretty corkin slow up top and would prolly eat it and have troubles which would then become my troubles….

  162. I am very relieved to see other commenter’s confirm there is a real Kokomo. I was worried I took a wrong turn into a parallel universe after lunch. WHEW

    Ferris pulls off the fruit bat look nicely. You should submit it to the Bad Cat Calendar people.

  164. “fruit bat headband” = fucking amazing. Then again, it means you have your face, and the face of what appears to be a very happy or very ferocious fruit bat on your head, which begs the question: WHERE ARE THE FUCKING WINGS TO THIS MOFO? Have you seen the wings on those things? They’re like, the size of pizza pans! Rediculous!

    -The nde

  165. I think Victor ruined many people’s lives today. I preferred to live in a world where there really was “a place like Kokomo” because that is where I wanted to go “to get away from it all.” Now all I have is the reality that it is just an island made up in a song written by all the uncool Beach Boys. Tell Victor he owe’s everyone a booze slushy.

  166. I need one of those fruit bat masks. And a cat.

    Sadly hubby has convinced me that deliberately staying up till silly-o-clock in the morning when I have a very busy week at work, two plays to do and an Open University degree to study for is not condusive to good mental health, so I don’t think I’ll be able to make the book club until later in the week. Damn you time zones! But i’ll totally come on thursday – who does any work on a friday anyway?

  167. AWESOME MASK.

    I am busy Tuesday nights, it’s a shame :< (this is my innocuous yet very angry face)

    In case you weren't aware of it, you've gotten a review in the summer edition of Bitch magazine for your book (it's not an insult, it's actually an excellent pop-culture feminist magazine). I can send you some pictures if you want!

  168. My Melvinator loves bats and has for years. She wore the same bat costume for 3 years in a row (toddler – preschool) – I had to deconstruct the original and rebuild if for the last wearing. She also had a bats decorated bedroom in 2 houses. At a favorite thrift where most kids hold dolls or trucks up to their mom – my daughter found a nearly 2 foot across hard plastic bat. He has been suspended from her bedroom ceiling in all 3 houses we’ve lived in with her.

  169. I predict that Victor won’t let you go to Kosovo, either. Not that he can tell you what to do.

  171. I’m not going to weigh in on the Kokomo controversy, it seems Victor’s managed to get them waving the pitchforks again, and quite frankly I don’t participate in anything that involves weighing.
    I’m crazy excited about the book club, however I just realized (like as I’m typing this) that I’ll be playing girlie poker this evening. Worst memory ever. That bat mask rocks!

  173. Kokomo Island is totally a real place — the Sandals people just renamed it when they bought it and built one of their gi-normous resorts there. Victor owes you a blue Trivial Pursuit pie piece and also an all-expense paid luxury week at Sandals. Also, you should automatically win whatever the next argument is because Victor is not thinking clearly: why would the Beach Boys sing about a dozen Carribean places that are real in the song and just throw in one fake one?

  174. Love that fruit bat headband!!

    As for us, our cat wears a tie. In fact, that’s the link below if you want to see him in it.

  175. You shoulda titled this post “ce c’est ne pas une post”, like the Magritte painting of the pipe.

  177. Don’t go to Kokomo in Indiana. It’s about an hour away from Indianapolis. Famous for strip clubs, sluts and a strange ringing sound only certain residents can hear. You’ve been warned.

  178. So, Victor doesn’t get the blue pie, either, does he? Kokomo is in Indiana. Boring place, really. But it’s there.

  179. I think Victor should go with you to Kosovo, you know, just so he can get a good feeling for what we’re all really like. I’m sure your European fans are just as crazy as your American fans.

    On another note, I love cats, I really do. But I am not a fan of the grey tabby cats. This is thanks to the little pain in ass who adopted my husband. Scratch is his name and he’s a right bastard most of the time. He’s socially retarded and has problems with inappropriate masturbation. The Prozac helps, but he’s still a pain.

    That being said, Ferris Mewler looks fantastic.

  181. Our local grocery store has wine slushies in the freezer case end cap display. I think of you everytime I see them.

  182. Kokomo is a real island owned by Royal Caribbean (although in all fairness it is now named Sandals Cay.) It is right off Jamaica. It is only 2.5 acres so it isn’t anything big BUT it does exist. Being a Florida girl I have to know my islands! The song is about a a place in the keys called Islamorada. You should give a speech there because there is hardly anyone there so YEHAW no panic attacks!!

  183. Lady, you crack me up. I never get the blue pie either. Beach Boys are tricky.

    Good luck on your laptop… we had a similar incident last year and have heard radio silence. Even though I understand that you didn’t want to accept vouchers, that might be all you ever get from those bastards at AA.

    And kudos to your cat for being a good sport and wearing the Fruit Bat hat! I trust no one was injured. Great blog, as usual.

  184. Hey, fruit bat masks = college fund. Just saying.

    I love your commenters. Your followers are awesome.

    This was a good unpost.

  185. #2 had me thinking you were coming to Indiana… incidentally I grew up very confused about the Beach Boys song because he was talking about all these tropical islands, and wanted to take her to… Indiana… major letdown!

  186. Screw the cats, I want that as a sleep mask. Totally able to terrify the dog with a mask like that! And it would keep paws out of my face as my alarm.

  187. We are at the beach on vacation and I TOTALLY forgot to bring my book for the book club meeting, which I am going to try to make tonight. On the other hand, I’ve read it twice already, so maybe I’m prepared? If not, I can just have a daquieri and make a fool of myself. (And no, I do not know how to spell daquieri, but that’s how I think it should be spelled.

    Also, my 12 pound cat would love the mask. I think you and Hailey need to do a joint venture on Zazzle.

  189. My friend ate fruit bat curry in the Seychelles. Then she remembered the cute furry face of the fruit bat she saw hanging in the tree the day before. Too late. Obviously. Just fyi.

  190. Um… the Kosovo in Europe? The wartorn one which Brits are advised to “avoid all but essential travel” to…? Er… maybe decline…? Maybe…?

    Love the mask, though! My cats would maul me if I tried to so much as suggest they put that on.

  192. My daughter, too, is into fruit bats. She is seven. Isn’t your daughter around that same age? I blame the schools. WTF are they telling our children that would come home interested in such an arbitrivial creature? And drawing it and writing stories about it and looking up facts about it — that’s just WEIRD. Fucking fruit bats, indeed.

  195. Huh, and I thought my 4 year old was the only kid obsessed with fruit bats. Just wait until she moves on to vampire bats-that’s when the fun really starts.

  196. I live in Kokomo, IN, and everybody’s bashing it; I should be offended. 😉 Actually, I thought “Really, we’re having a blog conference here?” Woulda suprised the heck out of me!

  197. Apparently I need to provide some perspective on Indiana. The people are friendly, hospitable and cook some crazy deliciousness. Yes, there are small minds and big minds here. I’m from the Bay Area and I’ve encountered the same distribution of small and big minds there. Here’s the thing about Indiana (and from my drives through big ol’ Texas, I’ve found the same), people you don’t even know will wave “hi” when you drive past, if you’re lost you can generally stop to ask for directions and not fear for your safety, many Hoosiers have a HUGE fondness for taxidermy, but with the exception of sunglasses and a cool hat or lei, I’ve rarely seen them dressed so splendidly as your quiet pals.
    I don’t know so much about Kokomo, but Columbus, Indiana is fantastic. We enjoy our adult beverages, the local massage parlor just got busted and closed for including happy endings on their menu, and as far as I know, there are no strip clubs.
    There is, however, a great local bookstore, “Viewpoint Books,” and most importantly, a pawn shop not far from there with the most wondrous find; a stuffed Grizzly bear attacking an elk. Truthfully, I don’t really know the specific type of bear or deer-ish animals that are taxidermically captured in a death-match. In fact, I question whether these two particular animals exist on the same continent, much less in the same geographic region. But, as soon as I saw it, I thought of you. It would be quite a challenge (nudge, nudge) to name and dress such a magnificent depiction of life in the wild.
    Columbus, Indiana would welcome a visit from you. If you choose Kokomo, Indiana over Kosovo the country, I would happily travel to the happy-ending hamlet that Kokomo is alleged to be, simply to have you sign my book (that I checked out from the library).
    ~Peace. And vodka.

  198. Is it me, or is Ferris Mewler lying on keys to the Fruit BatMobile?!

  203. since you’ve been travelling so much lately, you probably haven’t had time to catch the newest reality show on travel channel called baggage battles, where they auction off unclaimed (found/stolen) items. as you can see, there’s no real incentive for them to return your shit to you. if they can put their hand on your laptop, it will go in a box & be autioned off for hundreds or thousands of dollars, not to mention what they tv show will pay them.

    http://www.travelchannel.com/tv-shows/baggage-battles

  205. If you come to Kokomo, I will arrange a pre-twilight raid on the blog conference with a bunch of ninja readers and we’ll spirit you away to Indianapolis where I can promise you will be surrounded by lots of good things to eat (that aren’t corn) and a bunch of fun people who want to hear you talk. About anything.

    And then we can pretend it never happened.

  206. Man I was really excited when I first read you were coming to Kokomo. I was thinking Kokomo, IN….which is not that far away…and where all my family lives 🙁

  207. I die a little every time I look at those stickers. I want some, but I’d be fired if I put them on my stuff.

    And yeah, I thought Kokomo, IN, too.

    Looking forward to tonight’s discussion. Wait, I have to read FOUR CHAPTERS for tomorrow? (stoopid day job)

  208. 1. I’m disappointed Kokomo isn’t a real place (I know the song. I just assumed I’d go there one day).

    2. Sell fruit-bat-cat sleeping masks. Please.

  209. Ooh, do please come to kokomo, IN! Then there would finally be a tour stop close enough to where I live.

  210. When I was little, I dressed my cats up in Cabbage Patch clothes. They didn’t tolerate it nearly as well as Ferris Mewler does the mask.

  211. you totally need to make a parody post/Youtube video about United and the computer! They are douche nuggets and obviously didn’t learn their lesson about how to treat customers from this band that had to write a parody song about their craptacular customer service skills! They totally threw this guy’s $3500 guitar all over the place and broke it, then blew him off; sound familiar?

  212. Jenny, I’m spending the summer in Dallas, and the other day on my way to work I walked by a dried out dead squirrel. I was gonna take a picture of it on my way back for you of course, but when I came back, it was gone!!

    Beware. Someone in Texas is trying to rival your taxidermy collection.

  213. I think the whole chat thing is totally out of control but totally awesome. I have laughed at so many things your fans have written. And to think it all started with a blog. You rock sista!

  214. Confidential to Victor:

    (although the part isn’t isn’t confidential, just the part…you’ll understand)

    I’m from Indiana.

    (next part)
    There is a real Kokomo. It’s a town in Indiana. When I used to hear that song on the radio, I was always like “um, it’s not that cool”, because I thought they were talking about Kokomo, Indiana, not Kokomo the fake island. Which is kinda like Santa Claus. I think.

    (not confidential)
    Life is very confusing. /nod

  216. At first I was like Kokomo Indiana!?!?!?!!?! *squee* then you crushed my dreams, dream crusher.

  219. I’m waiting for the headlines from whatever the hell newspaper they have in northern Indiana to announce that the cityofkokomo.org website crashed today due to the enormous amount of traffic.

    Also, to the person who thought Kokomo was in Michigan, I think you’re thinking of Kalamazoo.
    LOVE the fruit bat mask for Ferris.

  220. My husband now thinks I’ve totally lost it. I’m still giggling over #5!

  223. You could have been right about Kokomo. You could have been invited to Kokomo, Indiana. How do you like them apples, Victor? It is a real place. The Hoosier state would be happy to welcome you.

  226. I grew up near Kokomo, Mississippi and it is not very tropical either, unless the humidity and heat count then it totally is! No strip clubs or excitement like Kokomo, IN either. Really, based on the description in your book it would probably be more like Wall. And as far as a blog conference goes, most of them wouldn’t know what a blog was!

  227. OH EM GEE…
    If you didn’t have my heart already, this would’ve done it: “4. There is no number 4.”

    Bloggess, you are a bad@$$, and I love you for it.

  228. My cat Lily likes to sleep with her head buried in my purse. Maybe we should get her and Ferris Mewler together, they seem to have a lot in common.

  229. Haley and my son would get along great. Today, he decided we’re making the cat his very own Nyan Cat costume: felt pop tart and a rainbow sock for the tail, since we haven’t seen the cat poop rainbows yet.

  230. I’m sad I missed you in Chicago, I had to work.

    I was going to offer you a free ghost tour (where I work) if you came up to Milwaukee, but I’m lame and never got around to it.

  231. My friends tell me Kokomo is a real place, I say who cares ’cause the Beach Boy’s place will have more booze. Let’s go there.

  233. Oh CRAP! I was soooooo gonna get in on the book-chat-thingy-what-ch-it. Signed up and everything. I even studied the first 5 chapters. and I NEVER do that! Is there away to get an excuse absence? I swear, I will read all the notes and do my best to catch up.

    Damn it. Why did I have to go and have a kid 10 years ago today? What was I thinking?!?
    Oh ya. “Damn, that hurt. Holy shit! I’m Mom!”

    If it helps my case any, my now 10 year old loves the end pages of your book. She too thinks the animals are cute in their funny little poses.

  237. My cat will bury her head under the pillow on the couch during naptime. That is a way of it telling you **don’t disturb please**, I guess.

  238. So. I seriously cannot do that math. I am in Queensland, Australia on the Gold Coast can you fucking tell me when I have to appear, after drinking wine spritzers all day to the book review? I love you and your stuffed animals any which way

  239. You had me at booze slushies!! I firmly believe Kokomo is the happy place you to go after having had a few rounds of said slushies. There’s just no arguing with that kind of logic.

  240. Kokomo island may be fictional but Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda, Bahamas, Key Largo, and Montego totally aren’t. You should go there.

  241. So before I got to the comments about Kokomo, IN…I was totally like, really? The Beach Boys made it up? Dang! So I guess I would fail with the blue pie piece too…..and this is why I have games like Harry Potter Scene It and Harry Potter Clue, and Ice Age dvd games instead! 😉 Oh yeah…and the kids like them, too. 😉

  242. Fruit bats look a lot like demon versions of Stitch (from Disney’s “Lilo & Stitch”).

  244. You should totally market that evil fruit bat sleeping mask. It pretty much says “yeah, I’m sleeping, but you still don’t wanna fuck with me.”

  246. if this is not a real post, then why am I seeing it? WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME?

    Seriously, though – love the fruitbatcat.

  247. I LOVE all the Indiana people speaking up about Kokomo (which some of us (in the nice parts of Indiana) see as the armpit and above only Gary) and letting you know just how many of us love you here and would flock to see you were you to visit the cornfields of Indiana. Though truthfully Hoosiers avoid Kokomo so we’d prefer Lafayette, Fort Wayne or Indy as the local of your next conference.

    Hell, maybe we’ll just start a conference to get people to visit us!

  250. You should totally take the vouchers and then sell them for half off – then you still come out at least a little ahead? Heck buy two cheap laptops! 🙂

  251. My cats want to dress up also but they’re asking for FOXBAT outfits, which Russian reconnaissance aircraft. I always give in to them but I know this is seriously going to take it’s toll on my knickknacks.

    Plus, I’d like to be the 820th person to tell you that Kokomo does indeed exist, and I would attend a blog conference if you had one there. Even though I don’t have a blog. Or a sincere reason to visit Indiana. I’m just avoiding working on Accounts Payable.

  252. Kokomo is where Godzilla hangs out…Really. You can go see him at the Kokomo Godzilla museum. I understand it is about two blocks away from where Farmer Stan has a roadside exhibit of the largest balls of chewed gum in the world.

  253. My four year old is totally obsessed with fruit bats. He was a fruit bat for Halloween. When people would say “Oh, a bat! How scary!” He would get all indignant about it” “I’m a FWOOT bat. It’s not scary. They eat FWOOT and they’re BWOWN and they make a ‘squeak, squeak’ noise.” It was out of control.

  257. My grandma lived in Kokomo for a few years when she was a little girl. I have a picture of her with her little brother and sister sitting on a donkey. In Kokomo. Taken by an itinerant photographer. I’m not sure if the donkey was itinerant or not. And…”Kokomo , me baby. Kokomo me right. Kokomo your mamma. She’ll be back tomorrow night…” (Bonnie Raitt)

  259. Kokomo is also a city in north central Indiana, and for one brief moment, I thought I was going to stop breathing with the thought that you’d be only 50 miles from Indianapolis, where I live. If you do decide to come to Kokomo, Indiana, let me know.

  260. Slightly worried that the fruit bat mask is just a cunning disguise for the fact that Ferris Mewler has been decapitated.

  262. I’m kinda surprised at how many people have heard of Kokomo, Indiana. Someone had a real sense of humor when naming some of the cities in Indiana. In addition to Kokomo, we’ve got Peru, Mexico, and Lebanon all fairly close to each other. It’s like someone’s trying to make things seem a lot more exotic than they really are. Kelly (@ 9:43 a.m.), I always heard that Gary was the armpit of Indiana (I’m also a Bender).

  263. You need a real fruit bat. Oh wait, you have to live in Australia to keep one of those as a pet. Wait a minute…!

  264. Kokomo does exist! It’s not an island, though, it’s the twelfth largest city in Indiana. Maybe not quite as exciting as an island. But for point number two…..Jenny = 1, Victor = 0.

  265. From Wiki: “Sandals Cay (formerly called Kokomo Island) is part of the privately owned Sandals Royal Caribbean all-inclusive resort in Montego Bay, Jamaica…The original name for the island came from the song “Kokomo,” written by John Phillips, Mike Love, Terry Melcher, and Scott McKenzie, and performed by The Beach Boys. The inspiration for the song was a pool-side bar in Islamorada, in the Florida Keys.”

  266. Kokomo is an hour north of the 12th largest city in the U.S. (Indianapolis) – Kokomo itself is much smaller.

    And if you come to Kokomo Jenny – I WILL. SO. BE. THERE. IN. A. HEARTBEAT….well, really more of in an hour…because that’s how long it will take me to drive up from Indy. 🙂

  268. Also, if you’ve never read Christopher Moore (Sequined Love Nun or otherwise), go do it. You will NEVER regret it!! I recommend starting with Lamb.

  269. I was reading this post while nursing my son and laughed out loud at #5. This caused him to stop eating and stare up at me quizzically. So I read it out-loud to him and he joined me in laughing. A grand time was had by all.

  270. Oh, goddamn it. I don’t know what music sounds like beyond say, 90, because that’s about the time I went almosttotally deaf. I mostly remember 80s music. I’ve had the Kokomo song stuck in my head ever since you posted this. The way to get rid of this music loop is to think of a more complicated piece of music, like classical, and it wipes it away. Except I never could hear classical music, minus a short bit of the Ride of the Valkyries. And now my brain is rotating between Kokomo and this bit of Ride of the Valkyries, with a mental picture of Elmer Fudd trying to Kill the Wabbit. The Kokomo song has also triggered a mental image of the Full House episode where Jessie gets to sing with the Beach Boys on stage, and that horrifies me, it gets worse every time I think of it and it’s all because of you.

  271. I went to Key West. I assumed Kokomo was the island after that because of the song – but it’s not. Just Cuba is after Key West and that’s some bullshiz ’cause I don’t know how to speak the Spanish! I hope you Beach Boys get farty sand stuck in your buttonholes. Please visually interpret that last sentence in your mind in as most classy way that you can, and just know it had to be said.

  275. Tell your husband Kokomo isn’t fictional. I grew up in Kokomo Indiana.

  276. Great. You just made all the people in Kokomo, Indiana, disappear. It’s like an episode of Outer Limits with Hoosier and the Beach Boys.

  277. Why is Victor so judgey about the blue pie piece? I have NEVER won that either and I belong to Mensa. He’s clearly compensating for some failing…

  279. I live in Kokomo.. and actually we are the home of the first car.. yes there are cornfields and assholes. But the people here are genuinely nice.. the GM headquarters is here and we were voted community of the year for 2012. The cost of living is low here and I would encourage people to visit actually I guess if you can’t handle down to earth people who like biscuits and gravy all day then you might not come here.. I have been here 29 years.. I have seen many other places and this is the place I’m always happy to come home to!

  280. ^As the good Hoosier that I am, I came here to tell you that there IS a Kokomo, and it’s in MY STATE, and YOU SHOULD COME VISIT.
    But it’d already been said.
    If you come, tell us!

  281. I know this has been said a hundred times but yes, Kokomo is in Indiana. And it sucks. I was born and raised there. It is known as The City of Firsts. It is now just a small dying town.

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