It’s me again.

in Random Crap

Hi.  I’m back.  Sort of.  I’ve spent most of this week either asleep or at the shrink’s office and it turns out I have severe exhaustion, which did not come as a surprise to my couch because I’ve barely left it.  And also because it’s furniture and it’s very difficult to shock furniture.  I was give the prescription of “a month off from everything” and after almost a week I’m starting to feel better.  I still find it hard to leave the couch but at least now I can sit up rather than just lay down.  My friend Elisha was over and just as she was leaving I heard her scream and I went outside to see a giant snake on the front porch hissing and striking at her aggressively.  And by “giant” I mean “relatively small with probably tons of brothers and sisters waiting to join in”.  But when a snake is hissing at you and shaking its tail it automatically gets classified as huge.  This is the math of snakes that weren’t invited onto your porch.  So I ran inside, grabbed a shovel and cut it in half but then it kept on coming and Elisha and I were all “WTF?” and the snake was like “Thanks.  Now I can move much more fast because now I’m lighter, asshole” and then I screamed like a ninja warrior and cut it up into 4 pieces because that’s what happens when you call me an asshole.  You’ve been warned.  But the good news is that I found out that I had a secret reserve of emergency snake-murdering energy and that makes me feel like maybe I’ll get through this who exhaustion thing after all.

Anyway, I know almost nothing about snake identification and I know some snake act like vipers as a defense mechanism and I’m hoping that this is a non-venomous faker.  If you are or know a herpetologist can you please ID this snake without freaking me out or making me feel guilty?  Example “It’s a viper, but they usually just want to lick you.  Move out now”…or “It was a harmless snake you just killed but it looked like a real asshole and it was probably Hitler in a former life.  Good job killing Hitler.”

Something like that.

Okay, get ready, because here it is:

 

This picture is fuzzy because Elisha was screaming.

Here’s a close-up of his head:

This picture is not fuzzy because the snake is dead. Also, he looked a lot less smiley in life, but the smugness was always there. Much like with Hitler.

Help?

614 thoughts on “It’s me again.”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. My friend once dated a guy who said he was a herpetologist, but she caught it anyway. 🙁

    (Glad you’re feeling better, Jenny.)

  5. No venom sacs or triangular head, round eye – I’d say not a viper. But probably a stalwart champion of Akin. So good going.

    Then again, I’m “just” a receptionist, and not an expert.

  11. You should totally put its head on a pike to warn the other smug snakes to back off…or at least ask for an invitation before coming onto your porch.

  12. Oh my lord. You have my sympathy. I’d have been screaming with Elisha and locking the doors.

    Also? He doesn’t look friendly at all. Smug, yes.

  13. Pretty sure that’s an evil smirk. You’d probably be doing the world a favor if you have it taxidermied with a tophat.. maybe an eyepatch.

  15. Please don’t get bed sores. And remember, The Internet loves you.

    Also, that snake is so smiley that it is just BEGGING to be ethically taxidermied. Just sayin.

  20. Looks like a Mongolian Death Worm to me. Google it, you dodged a bullet.

  22. It’s iris is round so it was a non-venomous snake . . . But, It certainly looks evil. Good job defending your friend!

  23. “This picture is not fuzzy because the snake is dead. Also, he looked a lot less smiley in life, but the smugness was always there. Much like with Hitler.”

    Can’t stop laughing. At all.

  24. Looks like a bull snake. Non-venomous faker. But still an asshole, because like a bully it pretends to be dangerous, but really isn’t.

  25. Look at that fucker’s expression. He had it coming.

    I bow to your snake killing skills.

  27. I dont know the exact type your snake is, but I am fairly sure it is not poisonous. The shape of the head and tail are wrong based on everything I was taught, and I was taught by ‘kinfolk from the holler’ :). The tail is usually blunt in poisonous snakes.

  29. My MIL found a scorpion in her house, the only breed of scorpion to TRAVEL IN PACKS. My super wimpy MIL who didn’t let me feed cooked rice to some birds “cause someone might slip on the grain of cooked rice and break a hip” and who calls us over to look at, kill, and identify the exact breed of fly or grat in the house, exclaiming the 1mm mosquito is “3 inches and full of west nile virus” KILLED the scorpion. On her own! And little ol’ me who is not too scared of creepy crawlies, is scared to go over there…I mean the pack of scorpions is down one, what if he has their leader and they are SEEKING REVENGE? I don’t want to be the dead victim. Or what if the one killed HAD BABIES and they are ALL OVER THE HOUSE calling FOR BACK UP?

    Good job on being brave enough to kill the Hitler Snake. I hope HE did NOT travel with a pack of vipers.

  35. You are a brave woman! Much braver than I. I can barely stomach looking at the picture of the dead snake. Partly because he is dead and partly because he is a slimy snake. Ick!

  37. She looks bitey. Look at this way: even if she wasn’t venomous (which she totally was, and probably with thousands of babies that will die without her now, which is a GOOD THING, I SWEAR), she probably would have attacked Juanita Weasel and that’s kind of your livelihood, having taxidermied animals as subject matter for your awesome blog and books (yes, plural!), and if she threatens your livelihood, she’s threatening your ability to provide for your family, so you killed her to protect your daughter. You did it for your daughter, really. And Victor, who should be a LOT more grateful than he is.

    They should actually throw you a party. You saved their lives and their way of life…

  39. OMG you are amazing. I hate snakes well more like I am afraid of them. I am so afraid of them I have nightmares and then I am paralyzed by the nightmares. It really is no bueno. I hope you start to feel better.

  40. Dude, that not-being-able-to-get-off-the-couch thing . . . that’s been me the past several weeks. At least, though, you now have the benefit of catharsis, courtesy of Hitler the Snake. (Also, I just started reading your book and can no longer take it out in public because I laugh hysterically and disturb the people around me)

  41. Kinda looks like a chicken/rat snake. They are non-venomous, but I have a general agreement with the snakes where we live (Northeast Texas), you stay out of my yard and in the pasture I will leave you alone, you come in my yard its open season on snakes.

  42. my co-worker, who did once move out of a house because of a snake, says it looks like a “rat snake” and reminds us that the only good snake is a dead snake.

  43. Looks like a killer to me, so you very clearly saved Elisha’s life. Does this mean she has to be your servant until she does something to save you like on the Brady Bunch because that would be kinda cool, at least to start.

  46. From wikipedia about bull snakes “When threatened by anything as large as a human, a bullsnake’s primary defense is to rear up and make it look as large as possible. They typically then begin lunging and backtracking at the same time in order to escape.” asshole

  47. I cannot identify the snake, but I can confirm (as someone else said) it is not a pit viper. So, we’ve already ruled out one group of poisonous snakes! In KY, all the poisonous snakes are pit vipers, so I’ve only learned how to id poisonous or not based on whether it’s a pit viper.

  48. Not a herpetologist, just a snake owner/enthusiast/vet tech, and with those two pictures I can confirn that yes, that is a snake, and yes, attempting to handle any wildlife untrained is a bad idea, so don’t feel guilty over shovel tactics. Any pics of the markings on its back?

  49. I’ve always heard that venomous snakes have cat-eye-like slits in their eyes, but I can never figure out how the f#ck I’m supposed to get close enough to a snake to see its damn eyes without finding out from its actual bite that it’s poisonous. So I vote this snake non-venomous, but still gloriously dead. Well done!

  50. That, My dear, is a rat snake. They are known to mimic rattlers as a defense mechanism, and they are pretty aggressive (I think it is Napoleon complex), however, they are non venomous. I have been bitten by them several times, and while the big one hurt, they are not scary hurt-y. Just sort of like being bitten by a goose. They are really good to have around your property though, because they eat varmints. I hope I have helped. 🙂 Feel better soon, pretty spirit guide!

  51. I don’t have any idea what kind of snake it is. A death-worthy one is all I know.
    But, identification aside, may I just say that my FAVOURITE part is that you stopped to take a picture BEFORE rescuing your friend? I so much love that about you! Please be my friend … but perhaps a better friend than to Elisha. 😉

  52. HOLY CRAP BALLS… Seriously though? the only good snake is a dead snake… preferrably made into shoes or a purse or something so GREAT JOB!!! Kudos to you!!!

    As for shocking furniture, I respectfully disagree. I think it is easy to shock furniture but we just don’t know they are shocked because they don’t talk and can’t make facial expressions… much like Kristen Stewart.

  53. According to Google (expert at all things) it kinda looks like a Western Coachwhip (or Red Racer) and they are not venomous, but total assholes. They are the equivalent to that drunk at the bar that just won’t stop picking a fight.

  55. Bizarre that my daughter and I were at Petsmart last night and she showed me the corn snake. Head looks similar to Hitler here. Round eye, smiley but not dead.
    I vote corn snake.

  56. The cure for exhaustion is… new snake skin boots!

    Or if it’s not quite big enough to make boots with…

    Snakeskin ballet flats*

    *not for actual ballet use, because we are a sedentary lot

    Or you could just taxidermy it. But I vote for a Red Dress Accessories made of snakeskin!

  58. A rose by any other name may still smell as sweet but a snake is a snake is a snake. I feel safer because of you and I don’t even HAVE a porch.

  59. Who chops a snake? I mean, really. Isn’t that like pulling a leg off a spider? I would pass out.

    Pass. OUT.

    Yey Canada. Land of the non-poisonous, only slightly scary things.

  61. I once came home to a giant (for reals giant 6 foot) python on my front porch all curled up for a nap… It was a apartment and I only had one way in. I had to jump the snake to get into my house to call animal control.

  62. Looks like a brown snake. Not harmful but will be all up in your face if it feels cornered.

  64. No idea what sort of snake it is, and searching Google images has just entirely freaked me out so I’m going to give up looking. But definitely could have been Hitler, or maybe even Stalin.

  67. It’s the basilisk and it belongs up on the shelf next to Hermione & Ron Weasely.

    http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://images.wikia.com/harrypotter/images/9/92/Basilisk.jpg&imgrefurl=http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/File:Basilisk.jpg&h=326&w=478&sz=37&tbnid=–pTtiZA8-d8-M:&tbnh=90&tbnw=132&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dharry%2Bpotter%2Bsnake%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=harry+potter+snake&usg=__9JSuge9FYGbzqqFVSGcKIzQgI7s=&docid=O03zlO2JPHAYIM&sa=X&ei=JNM3UPLmGYax6AHT54DQCw&ved=0CGEQ9QEwCg&dur=2531

  68. I agree that it looks like Texas Brown Snake (based solely on the link above.) Non-venomous but known to be assholes. So you did well.

    A true friend is one who will beat a snake to death while her friend screams.

  69. 1. Round eye means not poisonous.

    2. It is obvious to anyone who knows you or has read your stuff that you have an inexhaustible reserve of badass. YOU may forget it every once in awhile, but it’s always there. Exhaustion or no exhaustion. You can’t take the badass out of Jenny.

    3. If you want to go the whole spiritual route, snakes are all about transformation. If a snake appears to you (or tries to kill your friend on your porch like she was an East European Jew – sorry, you started it), it is a reminder to shed what is no longer serving you and emerge proudly into your new skin. Rather applicable after the week you’ve had, eh?

  70. WOW, NY Times best selling writer and snake conqueror all in one. Building an impressive resume there.
    And as far as I am concerned ALL snakes on the porch, in the yard, or any that may come around/in my house should be shoveled immediately and with extreme prejudice!!

  71. Venomous or not, I say better safe than sorry where snakes (and large spiders and scorpions….and sharks) are concerned. Excellent work 🙂

  72. That was the Southern Dicksnake, which has the Latin name “Doucheivious Assholeicus Snakicus.” It’s good you killed him because those snakes are TOOLS.

  73. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t poisonous, but he looked like a douche. I bet he thinks that personhood starts at kissing. Way to go!

  75. Well it is not a rattle snake or a coral snake. I don’t know enough to excluded a cottonmouth. Doesn’t look like a hognose, but while venomous, not so to people unless you stick your finger down their throat to try and get bit.

    Could you string it back together and put a ruler beside it? Also open its mouth, carefully with a stick or fork and check for fangs?

  76. I don’t see a heat sensing pit, so *probably* non-venomous. But it doesn’t even matter – once they act like they’ll strike, AND they are on your PORCH, it’s time to go Samuel L. Jackson on it. Good for you! 🙂

  77. Reason 101 I do not live in texas … wow! Although I was driving around the lake one time… and a rattler was in the middle of the road, I actually straddled it with my car to avoid mooshing it, as I did feel I was in its home, not it in mine….. and it coiled up and struck at my tires, I kid you not, I reversed and let the kids get a good look at it, so they would always know what to look for…

  78. Doesn’t look poisonous, given that he had round pupils. But isn’t that what they always say about the serial killer/rapist/pedophile? “But he looked so nice! I never suspected he had a meth lab in his basement and force fed drugs to babies which he sold on the black market. He seemed so normal!”

  79. A snake is a snake is a snake. Venom or no, I hate them all and wish them very dead. Good job!

  80. An unbelievably funny, charming, successful woman allows herself to be human in front of her fans. What an inspiration – seriously.

    If it’s any consolation, one of my stories went viral – and now I’m known all over the Internet as “Fart Girl.” Not exactly the Oprah debut I was hoping for.

    The only thing that would make that nickname worth it is if the story makes you laugh. Hope that doesn’t come off like a shameless plug. Get REST – We’ll all be here when you come back 😀

    http://hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny/

  81. Non-venomous. You can tell because the pupils are round and not cat-like ovals.

  83. I wouldn’t read too much into the smile. There are pictures of Hitler smiling but that didn’t make him any less of a raging asshole. In fact, this may be even more proof that you killed Hitler.

  84. You know, we don’t get to kill other humans who are assholes with shovels like EVER, so at least you got to kill SOMETHING in the name of all of us suffering from the humanoid assholes in our lives. Good on you.
    Your Daddy is gonna stuff him for you, right?

  85. I love you!! You are awesome 🙂 I have no idea what in the hell kinda snake that is other than scary!
    You totally reminded me of the time we had a snake at my grandpa’s place in Florida and my uncle went all ninja on it and did exactly what you did! I still have pictures of it. By the way, I am glad you are feeling a bit better and I wish you a speedy recovery. You are so awesome!!! **hugs**

  88. It could be a juvenile Coluber constrictor, also known as Eastern Yellow-bellied Racer. They’re non-venomous, and mainly feed on frogs and mice. Sorry; you killed a harmless creature.

    Well, harmless and harmless.. If cornered they can become very aggressive, and give some repeated painful bites.

  89. I would totally buy a shirt that said “I have a secret reserve of emergency snake-murdering energy.” And I would wear it whenever I needed to remind myself that bas-ass-itude lurks inside us all, myself included. For now, writing it on a post-it and sticking it on the fridge.

    You’re awesome; get lots of rest and watch lots of bad TV.

  90. From the headshot, it’s nonvenomous.

    I’m not an expert, but it sounds like a coachwhip, although they are incredibly fast and super hard to catch, so maybe not. If it was, it was a baby. They get big, and they are aggressive. When they attack, they aim for your eyes because they are badass motherfuckers. One time, my TA in college caught one and it knocked his sunglasses off. They are nonvenomous.

    I’m sad he’s dead. 🙁 If I was a snake, I would totally be a coachwhip.

    I’ve heard Texas rat snakes are also pretty aggressive, so it could be that. Nonvenomous as well.

  92. holy crap! BRENDA who posted at 1:24pm on 8/24 – YOU ARE AWESOME. my GOD I haven’t heard that song in FOR. EVER.

    good job killing Hitler, Jenn

  93. If that snake wasn’t Hitler, then at least it was Himmler.

    Good job killing the evil snake.

  94. I love snakes, I had a pet snake for several years, but I’m still not cool with snakes coming uninvited onto/into my house! It’s like if your Great-Aunt Mildred suddenly showed up on your porch and started hissing and lunging at you – you’d totally be justified in wanting her cut in half, too, even if she’s not poisonous either.

  95. yes, I thought I saw on E Hollywood News that you were whisked to the hospital suffering from extreme exhaustion 😉

  96. I’m pretty sure you killed Voldemort and earned a few points for Griffendor. Fortunately, the oval head and lack of brow ridges indicates he wasn’t poisonous. Just pure evil.

  98. Uh, I think I dated him… back in the ’80’s. He WAS an asshole. I appreciate your chopping him to bits for me.
    Well done. 🙂

  100. You are a brave warrior. You not only left the couch, but you killed Hitler. Quick, somebody get this girl a Medal of Honor! I’m pretty sure that’s why we HAVE Medals of Honor.

  101. I have a deal with the critters in my neighborhood. The deal is, stay away from me and my family or you die. That snake clearly crossed the line and deserves what he got.

  102. I’m not afraid of snakes in general, but I’m pretty sure if one was actively striking at me and calling me an asshole I would not have the cajones to cut that smug little jerk into 4 pieces. That’s a mighty middle finger you just threw nature. Bravo ma’am.

  104. It looks like a young black racer. They keep their coloring and markings for about two years before turning black. They are aggressive, but non-venomous. I know this because my cats found one the other day and I turned to the Google Herpetologist to find out what it was. Surprisingly, the internet wants no liability in identifying snakes.

  105. WTF???? I HAVE SPENT THE LAST 3 HOURS DRAWING BEONCE CHICKEN TO USE ON MY BLOG BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO DISTURB YOU BY ASKING YOU IF I COULD USE A PICTURE BECAUSE YOU ARE suposed TO BE recouperating..(that is the thing,right? if someone pisses you off when you are in capitals? You go ‘not capitals’??) & I have totally used the paper doll bloggess to hang my creations on….SNAKE MURDERER!!!

  106. I am sorry you had to undergo fascist snake attacks to find it, but congratulations on finding your dictator-murdering reserves! Sometimes just knowing that there is more energy quietly waiting in reserve is enough to get me through tough times.

  107. It’s not a black snake. That much I can swear too. You can tell by the absence of black on it. Of course it could be a black snake who has given up being all moody and goth and decided to try a new look for a day. That’ll teach goths to cheer the fuck up.

  109. I generally don’t mind snakes, but that last smiley picture scared the pee out of me. It may haunt me. 🙁 And the funk seems to be going around BIG TIME. We’ve all had it. Sorry you’ve got it too. Glad you’re taking the much needed break. And your doctor sounds like a genius. Can I see him too and have him tell me to get rid of my overwhelming, paralysis inducing to do list for a whole month?

    Glad you’re still posting BTW.

  110. Umm I would have to go with…definitely an asshole with a smug complex. You saved Elisha and that in itself makes it ok, plus it was an asshole snake which is a bonus! Yup, I agree, you should have it stuffed and name him Adolf.

  111. I’m assuming you will duct tape it back together, dress it in a snazzy outfit (or perhaps give it a Hitler mustache?), and name, right? Right?!

  112. Regardless of what type it was, you should mount it on a pike as a warning to future invading snakes.

  115. I can totally picture that snake wearing a fancy blue bonnet. With ruffles. And alive, bitey snakes generally don’t go for that sort of thing, so I think you totally made the right call.

  116. I think the snake was a sign that it’s not time to get off the couch yet? But holy SHIT way to kick snake-ass (if snakes have asses).

    I do think that smily face would be a great addition to your collection, though…if it’s even possible to ethically taxidermy a snake. (Is it “taxiderm” when it’s a verb? I have no idea).

  117. Youall who think it’s safe if a snake has round eyes – you should be aware that coral snakes have round eyes. Also, that rule does not hold if you go abroad.

    More important though, I am a fan of snakes and have worked with them – but, guys, the best advice is don’t get close enough to a wild snake to see what its pupils look like, OK?

  119. I am impressed with your speedy reaction. If it had been me I would’ve gone out the back door
    But if it was a grasshopper outside the door I would be holed up for days.
    At least yours had the possibility of killing you. We all have our strengths.

  120. Wait. I’m supposed to get close enough to see its iris to determine if the snake about to lunge is venomous? Yeah, no thanks. I’m running for the shovel, too. You are one bad-ass snake killer.

  121. Didn’t Dr. Who teach us that you should put Hitler in the closet? Although I feel like he could have also supported chopping him into 4 pieces.

  122. Hey Asshole! Way to go! (I live on the wild side)

    Also would you please take as much time as you need, we will all still be here when you feel better. I mean, what else do we have to do?

  123. Based on this website
    http://www.austinreptileservice.net/blotches.html
    Looks like a chicken snake/rat snake or a prarie kingsnake.
    Good thing to note, his pupils are round not diamond like. That generally means non-venomous. Not that you would be checking before killing, but just saying, Miss Baddass Snakekiller.
    Great job by the way. Elisha owes her life to you. And maybe some whiskey.

  124. I bow to your awesomeness. There is no way I would have had the mental wherewithal to grab a shovel and chop up a clearly evil, dirty rotten up to no good snake that was trying a bold home invasion in the middle of the day. Instead I would be in the corner hugging my knees and rocking back and forth because I had just shoved my friend out the door to distract the snake. One of us would have to take one for the team, and I would promise to take care of her children for her sacrifice.

  125. OK, so I’m thinking it wasn’t poisonous– because it doesn’t have the jaws or the fangs, from what I can tell. But, it totally looks like an asshole snake with a smug look, and totally, it would fall on the wrong side of the whole ‘legitimate rape’ debate, therefore, we can still say it was ‘venomous’.

  126. I think I love you. I would fully run, knees up, top speed, screaming like a banshee calling for someone else to kill it.
    YOU KICK ASS.

    or snake. whatever.

  127. My favorite website of how to identify snakes – if it smiles, it’s friendly, if it looks angry, it’s venomous. Hard science right there.

  129. Not a viper. Resembles a rat snake (named so because it eats rats), but I can’t clearly see enough to do a full taxonomy on it.

    It just wanted to say hi to y’all.

  131. 1. As someone from a land where there aren’t many snakes waiting to get at me from my doorstep (Pittsburgh, PA), I can say that a snake is a snake is a HOLY-SHIT-THATS-A-BIG-SNAKE. Now I’m going to have nightmares about a snake that, when cut into two, still comes after me. Yikes.

    2. Feel better, Bloggess!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  134. I say Coachwhip. They are feisty snakes with big teeth that can grow up to seven feet long. They are also the fastest non-venomous snake and will eat anything they can swallow. I’m guessing if this one had grown to seven feet then it would have been capable of swallowing a baby. So you just saved a baby. Perhaps multiple babies. You’re a hero!

  135. Even if it wasn’t venomous it was probably all bitey. Which still hurts… alot. Victor should be glad you saved him from a bitey snake. You should probably get a reward out of this. Like cookies.

  136. How is it that we’ve gotten to almost 120 comments and NO ONE HAS ASKED if you were just tired of that mothereffin’ snake on your mothereffin’ porch?

    I’d use the whole f-bomb but I’m at work and I think the internet filter is catching on to me.

  137. I LOVE that you took the time to snap a photo BEFORE moving in for the kill. The mark of a true professional.

  139. So entertaining all of us doesn’t count as work that you are not supposed to be doing? We will still be here if you take a month off.

  140. Oh my Christ! Just looking at those pictures made my eyes water. I moved to the burbs from the city about a year ago and now I am in constant fear of stepping on a snake. You are a brave woman! Hope you’re able to keep resting up; hang in there, Jenny.

  141. >> Yumi August 24, 2012 at 1:18 pm
    That snake totally has a jerky look about him. <<

    This totally made me think about snake jerky. Mmmmm….

    A viper came to -my- house once, but he was only there to… wait for it… vipe the vindows. (sorry)

    Glad to hear you're feeling better! I look forward to reading your book soon; I'm on my library's waiting list to check it out (I've been "broke" for so long I've forgot the feel of money, but I'll buy it someday, I promise). I should be getting it soon – I'm up to number 9 on the list, after starting somewhere in the 50's…

    😉

  142. Glad to hear you are feeling better Jenny! And I don’t care what kind of snake it is, if it came calling on my doorstep, I’d kill it too; garden snakes are just as big of assholes as the poison kind. That’s what they get for not disowning their evil family.

  143. Poisonous or not it was going to bite one of you. I consider that dangerous, so props on killing that Texas death worm!

  145. scary!! Hey I am reading your book and LOVING it!! bTW, I have the same pregnancy issue as you. No full term pregnancy yet after 8 years, but we just adopted…so YES I have a baby now!!!

  147. Jenny – i love you for killing this snake – i hate all snakes…

    And frankly, i don’t ever plan on being close enough to a snake to see if its eyes are round or not…. But all of you that know the difference – kudos to you…

  149. Like others said, it’s head isn’t the right shape to have venom sacks, and no rattle or anything. Sounds like a crazy faker snake. He is cute though. I love the ones with the big round eyes. OTOH, that’s way less cute when it’s hissing and biting you.

  150. Wow! While I would not want to get so close as to check the pupils, that is a very poor way to determine if the snake is venomous. Coral snakes have round pupils, but are colorful – “Red on yellow, kill a fellow; Red on black, friend of Jack” Cobras also have round pupils. In the US, native nonvenomous snakes mostly have round pupils. So if it is not a Coral snake and has round pupils, you are safe; unless there is an escape cobra or Fierce snake, etc. Remember there have been escaped monkeys in her area, or was it an ape.

  152. I am going with others saying it is a Texas Brown snake. I first wrote brown snake and my friend had to smugly point out that everyone can tell it is a brown snake (versus a yellow snake). It is a breed people, just no one cared that much to give it an interesting name – like Western milkweed slimy snake or something clever.

    But I will leave you with a peice of very helpful advice my Grandpa told me years ago – Not all snakes are poisonous, but all snakes bite, so kill them.

    Feel better Jenny!!

  153. Firstly, a poisonous snake, at least in Texas, has a triangular head with jaws that stick out on the side from their neck.

    Secondly, we have a weekend place near Meridian, TX. We had a rattlesnake living in the barn (whose discovery upset some big beefy appliance delivery manly men). My son killed it, cut the head off and put the dead snake in a tree so his dogs wouldn’t eat it. He came back a couple of hours later and cut the snake up to grill it (I raised him better than that!). When he took the heart out it was still beating. CREEPY!!

  154. One of many reasons I live in Alaska. Sure, it gets cold enough to freeze your eyelids together, but at least we don’t have snakes!

  156. i have learned something. and that is herpe-tologist. i think i called *someone that one time and it wasn’t because he knew snakes (well, possibly he knew ONE snake – but, not very well because i still called him “herpe-tologist). i am no professional, but that there looks like a texas rat snake. they are good for killing rats which we hate more than snakes so we let them live. they can imitate a rattler really well (and hitler). so, good kill?

  159. Well, I can honestly say that if I was not having a “bout of exhaustion” before the snake, I definitely would be after seeing it! And by “bout of exhaustion” I mean I would have to be committed. And probably given CPR.
    Off to finish my anxiety attack from the pictures now!

  161. no idea what kind of snake it is .. but I agree with the majority that if it’s aggressive, it belongs in the dead category.

  162. Believe it or not, but this WAS an Asshole Snake. So named because they like warm dark spaces to sleep. (i.e. assholes) They like to sneak up on their victims while they are sleeping, and you were spending a lot of time on your couch….

  164. By the look of that smile it was the snake that was an asshole. You should be rewarded with a wine slushie.

  165. Just wanted to thank you for never failing to cheer me up, even on days like today when I have super creepy lunch dates.

    I’m glad you killed that asshole snake.

  166. I don’t care if he was a “nice” snake (if there is such a thing) – the only thing to do when you see a snake is to kill that motherfucker. Good job!

  167. BWAAHAHAHAAA!!!!! SNEAKY SNAKE!!!! I was just talking about that song yesterday!!!

  168. I like snakes, but I stay away from them, and if one tried to bite me, I would shovel murder it too. Just saying.
    So Sara, comment 89, said you should make a shirt that says “I have a secret reserve of emergency snake-murdering energy.”
    Do it. I will buy it.
    I wrote it on my fridge with dry erase marker. I know my husband will come home and go WHAT. THE. FUCK. ???? which makes it all the sweeter.

  169. i’m glad i don’t have poisonous snakes up here in MN, but now want to keep a shovel in the house, in case they migrate

  170. Don’t care. It’s a snake, and any trespassing snakes Need. To. Die. Kind of like the unsolicited solicitors who come knocking at my door. Go Jenny!

  171. I’m glad your back. But not with snake pictures, seriously, I know you warned us about the snake photo, I was expecting the first one, but not the second close up! Uncalled for! No one needs to see that.

  172. First: OH MY GOD!!! MOTHER FUCKING SNAKE! RUN!!!

    Second: It’s not a viper. The shape of the head is an oval. Vipers have a triangular shaped head. But. All snakes are fucking EVIL so you killed evil. Good on you.

  173. And forgot to mention I am not at all surprised you are suffering from exhaustion – you have been on a major book signing tour. VERY VERY glad you are resting and starting to feel somewhat better. You only have a few days before Dr. Who starts again.

    Now back onto the snake thing.
    I think you and this guy ( link below) should hang together and rid the world of exhaustion and asshole snakes.
    And Hitler reincarnations, and the 8 hour workday.

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/48764174/ns/world_news-south_and_central_asia/#.UDfZyKMuvjI

  174. I actually have three snakes, but if I saw that thing on my front porch — I wouldn’t kill it because I’d be too busy shitting myself and trying to dial 911.

    Not venomous though from the shape of the head and stuff — probably a rat snake or something in that family, I believe the technical name is “fascista hitlerus getoffmahfrontporchus”

  178. Yikes….looks like a rattler to me, but what to I know from snakes? Other than, yeah you for taking charge and bet you ran on that adrenaline for days! Maybe it was divine providence (or whatever) giving you a situation where you were able to activate to bodies own crack! Cheers….

  179. Actually, they have just recruited a lot of wild animals to work for UNICEF in Texa. Probably when your friend opened the door he did not have time to hiss out …KNOCK, KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER UNICEF before you killed him. Look around the yard there is probably a tiny carton with UNICEF written on it. If a Wolf comes to your door…kill it…UNICEF did not recruit any Wolves because they have a reputation for fucking with Grandma…and no one likes that kind of shit.

  180. Kudos on the bravery!! I attempted the same action after a slithering beast stretched across my walk just after my daughter had walked past. Sadly, after donning waste high rubber boots and armed with a shovel, I merely threw it at the bastard as I ran away screaming. I felt like such a sissy.

  181. OH my lord. Got me shuddering, just looking at it’s head. I’m glad for your sake you were able to kill it, but if it was a rat snake like someone else mentioned, it might have been better to not. But you can’t change that now! I’m interested to know more about the cut-in-half-yet-still-chasing-you bit.

  182. A friend of mine is a reptile expert and he says it’s a coachwhip. Non-venemous. He loves snakes, so he wants me to make you feel guilty, but I understand why you were scared. The snake was probably a total douche.

  183. Even if it wasn’t venomous, it obviously had rabies, so you did the right thing. Yes, I’m telling my self that snakes with rabies is a “thing”.

    Also, I like to imagine you saying “NO MORE MUTHAFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MUTHAFUCKING PORCH!!”

  184. You are absolutely amazing. I got freaked out just looking at the pictures. Hope you feel better.

  185. What if Hitler reincarnated to serve humanity by eating mice? Do you think the Hitler snake will come back the next life with good karma?

  186. Oh yeah, had a snake in the garden once and even though it was perfectly harmless, I panicked. The boyfriend cut the head off with a shovel, the head turned to me and charged! Scary-ass shit. Who knew snake heads could still attack with no body? BF then hurled the snake head, via the shovel, into the woods. We saw it the next day at the edge of our backyard. I’m hoping another animal tried to eat it but dropped it there as opposed to the idea that it continued to propel it’s body-less self into my yard from the woods. I’m such a snake whimp and that didn’t make it better.

  187. my picture didn’t come through. Man. No one has any love for snake facial hair stylings.

  188. My dear friend in Tucson AZ is in fact a Herpetologist (an MS in Herps no less). I have forwarded this hilarious post to her in the hopes that she can ID your very definitely NON-venomous snake. I only say this b/c hello? He has no evil fangs, only an evil smile. Also, I am shocked at how many of your readers are freaked out about snakes. I am left feeling saddened by this, since snakes are awesome. Ask anyone. Especially Herpetologists. I’ll report back her Dx, assuming she gets back to me, b/c technologically savvy she is not. XO

  189. BLAGH! I’m getting freaked out just by the pictures. Scary, freaky snake head. You totally rocked. Now go have a margarita and some nachos to celebrate your badassitude.
    You go, girl.

  190. I suggest you have him stuffed and sewn back together. Just imagine the hats and clothes he could wear. Call the taxidemist NOW!

  192. Billy the Expterminator says cat eyes – poisonous. Round = not.

    You were safe.

    But, still, uninvited snakes have it coming.

  193. There are different degrees to shocking furniture.
    With the exception of when I lean back (which it hates), my chair is never shocked. The table was a bit shocked during my ‘spread out the drugs on the table’ years, now it only gets slightly nervous if I come near it with a meat cleaver sans cutting board. I’m too staid for my sofa, although I think it’s rather shocked sometimes at how bad my son’s feet smell. And most unfortunately, my marital bed hasn’t been shocked in a long, long time.
    Sleep well and long.

  194. Screw Hitler. Think “Biblical”. NEED I REMIND YOU WHAT HAPPENED TO EVE?!!!?
    Way to dodge a bullet and save your friend’s SOUL, Bloggess. Sheesh.

  195. You are bad-ass. I love you. You murdered a snake, and even if it wasn’t Hitler reincarnated, it had it coming. Snakes are the only thing I’m really, truly frightened of. Me and lizards? No issue. Lose the legs and I lose my nerve. I had to hold my boyfriend’s hand and close my eyes to walk past a snake at the zoo last weekend. No joke.

    I’m happy to know that if I ever visited you, you’d protect me from snakes. Of course, I’d die from a heartattack when one lunged at me, but it’s the thought that counts, you know?

  196. Last week was a bad week for snakes. My nieces and nephews were swimming in the pool and a humongous snake (okay, MAYBE 4 or 5 inches, but it had a ‘tude) swims out from the filter opening on the side of the pool. Clearly, a stealth snake which is among the very worst kinds. The kids levitated out of the water while I grabbed the giant fish net thingie and scooped it out, holding it captive while my friend went screaming for her husband to come kill it. He decapitated it with a snow shovel. Which goes to show you why you should own a snow shovel even in Atlanta. Wait a minute. What happened to my point? Oh yes, YAY Jenny!

  197. I’d have ushered her back in and drank vodka until the snake went away.

    Also, I love that you keep a shovel IN THE HOUSE. You should mount it close to the door for easy access.

  198. I think if a snake wants to appear all scary and attack-y, he kinda deserves a scared attack response. I’m all for live and let live when it comes to snakes, but if you’re gonna come on my porch and terrorize my friends, you have to deal with the consequences. I hope it was Hitler, asshole. You go!

  200. You make me smile. My mother used to run over, back up, and run over snakes in the road – or while she was mowing the lawn……….

  201. I know little about snakes, venomous or otherwise — no toxic snakes in MN or WI, where I have always lived — but I am impressed that you took a photo of the snake before you killed it.

  202. Thank you for the “here it comes” warning so I could close my eyes and scroll past the picture to read a few comments. So, I guess it goes without saying that I have no idea what kind of snake it is, but you are the bravest girl I know!! I would have been running for the high ground (inside, of course) because this (Dallas) Texas girl does NOT do snakes.

  203. I’m sitting here laughing hysterically because YOU STOPPED TO TAKE A PICTURE before saving your friend. *has tears of laughter running down my face*

  206. I have to admit I am laughing just as hard at some of the comments. Not only are you a hilarious killer of snakes, your friends are also very witty! Good going on killing Hitler Snake.

  208. This is why you should come live in Seattle. I haven’t had to kill a snake in all the time I’ve been here.

  209. Bonny had it right, it’s a bull nose snake. We had one earlier this year. I have some nasty pics if you’d like to see more 🙁 They like to go all cobra on ya. And they have a thick skin, it was kinda hard to cut it apart. And yes, still continued to come at us. UGH. We did read that although non-venomous, it has a very painful bite, and with 4 boys that could have been bit, we felt justified in killing it.

  210. So we’re supposed to look at a snake’s eyes to know if it’s venomous? That’s pretty hard to do when standing on a chair, screaming, with your own eyes closed, which is where i would be if there was a snake anywhere in the vicinity.

    Hope you are feeling better. Take it easy, if the wildlife allows it.

  212. these comments crack me up as much or more than the original post. Love what Bree posted about how the hell am I supposed to tell what the shape of eyes are…I was thinking the same thing.

  213. Well… I know about as much as you do about snakes. That being said, it was totally a viper. And it was practically begging to be chopped in 1/4ths, with a shovel, by an incredible badass. I mean, look how happy you made him. He’s like a suicide bomber, he probably has 99 virgin-smiley-vipers waiting for him in snake heaven or something.

    He is totally thanking you right now, for fulfilling his life’s destiny.

  214. Way to think fast! Im not a huge fan of snakes, so one less wont bother me. You will forever be a hero to me, well, you already were, but this is another notch! I hope that soon you can get off the sofa completely.

  216. That’s a rat snake. *shudder* I get them around my house all the time because I apparently live on a wildlife refuge known as MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, TEXAS. At least it wasn’t a copperhead or water moccassin or a rattlesnake. Because there’s nothing like walking outside onto your front porch to enjoy some sweet tea in the glorious afternoon heat and stepping over a rattlesnake. Texas – forcing it’s inhabitants to be ever vigilant of things that will kill you since forever.

  217. Be careful. In my state it is actually illegal to kill a non-venemous snake.

  218. Not venomous but the rule around here is once it crosses the threshold it becomes vermin and must be destroyed. You done good. Rest up and feel better soon.

  220. My only question for you is, why are you not having it stuffed and dressed up with a Hitler mustache?

  221. So in general, your readers are correct. Vipers, aka pit vipers, have triangular head and up&down slits for pupils. Wikipedia has a nice description. Vipers are the most common type of venomous snake in the US. The other common type are coral snakes, which have round pupils and in the US, are red-yellow-black-yellow-red striped. (remember red on yellow kills a fellow.) However, I am not sure how far outside Mexico you are. Or if your neighbors import (illegaly) snakes as pets. The coral snake rules for which are venomous do not apply to non-US snakes…some of them aren’t even striped!

    Trust me, I’m a toxicologist.

  222. That is almsot certainly a kind of racer – I’d guess either a young black racer or a red racer. Either way it was a juevenile until it’s life was tragically and prematuraly ended 🙂 They are nasty little snakes that are very aggressive, but they aren’t poisoness and are consiered harmless to humans. I once had a really cute one about 6 inches long attempt to chase me out of a trench. I couldn’t help but laugh.

    I suppose it could also be a coachwhip which are pretty similar looking, but it really looks like a racer to me. Certainly not a rat snake or brown snake like so many others are guessing.

    *note, I’m not a herpetologist though I considerired becoming one. I’m just a guy who caught every snake it was possible to catch while growing up in the Texas Hillcountry (especially the bitey ones – I brought those home to mom *wasn’t amused*)

  223. I am so sorry to hear of your exhaustion issues. I have struggled there too. I am super duper glad you were there to she-woman that snake. Feel better pretty lady!

  224. Riki-Tiki-Tavi would be proud. And I’d say not so much a Hitler snake, but more Eva Braun. And you know she was a bad-ass to be hanging out with the likes of him. You done good.

  225. Vitally exhausted bloggess rises, comatose, from couch, slays viper with bare hands, writes hilarious post about it. I feel inadequate . . . On the plus side, you’re feeling better!

  226. I’m not a herpetologist but I’m can herp derp with the best of them. Does that help?

    Glad you’re feeling better and still a badass.

  227. Technically the shovel killed the snake….you were just there when it happened.

  228. What kind of zombie snake requires being cut into FOUR pieces before dying?! You might want to give the head a “double tap” just in case. The world is now a safer place thanks to your shovel wielding ninja skills!

  229. When you taxidermize him (because I know you are thinking about it), keep him in his 5 separate pieces and turn him into a mobile. Over the toilet. Because, damn, that will make people shit.

  230. Sweet Jesus! I totally get where you’re coming from though…when we lived in TX I found a freaking anaconda in my spare room. After calling my husband at work and screaming about our intruder (He has the nerve to ask me what it looks like. It’s wearing a green shirt and brown pants. It’s a fucking snake!!!) he suggests calling the exterminator. He strolls in about 45 min later with a bucket and a grabbing device and was all “What’s the problem?” Um…there’s a huge snake in my house that is going to eat both me and my 8 lb dachshund, idiot! Why are you not wearing protectie gear? My home owners insurance doesn’t cover stupidity. Anyway, it was some small snake and dude was going to take it out to the fields and release it. Nope, I just paid you to murder that thing. I don’t want him telling all his snake friends to come back and finish the job. The guy looked at me like I had two heads but held my ground. Seriously. I hate snakes.

  231. I love how everyone is saying it’s not poisonous because of the pupils. I can’t imagine…

    You: “Hey, there’s a snake! is it poisonous?”
    Me: “Oh, wait. Let me get close to it so I can look it in the eye.”

    No. Just. No.

  234. Ok, I can’t look at the photos because I have snakeaphobia, but.. you’re the bravest person I know. I’d never have been able to face that fucker down with a shovel.
    Glad to know you’re feeling more like yourself.

  236. You’re a hero in my book either way. My hardline snake policy: “A good snake is a pulverized-beyond-recognition snake.”

  237. Kudos to you, oh slayer of Hitlersnake. The last time I encountered a snake it was a nearly 3 foot rattlesnake and it was just outside my kitchen door… I’m not afraid of much, but rattlers turn me into a quivering, paralyzed schoolgirl. So I called my dad of course. He was a long haul trucker at the time, so I wasn’t expecting him to be able to provide actual assistance, but he’s the first person I think of when it comes to killing venomous snakes. Instead of something coherent I babbled about the big fucking snake and how I wanted it DEAD NOW. He happened to be headed my way anyway (stupid rattler spoiling my dad’s surprise visit…) and he had a gun, so I decided to keep an eye on the cold-blooded wretch and wait for reinforcements. Turns out it’s easier to kill a snake with a shovel than a gun. Notice I said EASIER not easy. After it was good and dead I cut off its head with a sword and felt a bit more empowered than the scared little boy who ran to his phone and called Daddy, but still…

  241. No venom glands, has round eyes which usually indicates it wont kill you if it bites you. but that doesn’t mean it wont hurt like hell. he has that evil nazi look about him though, so good job killing what was most likely the reincarnation of hitler. or given the smile it could be carrot top in snake form. so in that case,good job! everyone knows carrot top needs to stfu.

  242. He is now a good snake….because in my book, the only good snake is a dead snake! See, Jenny, you are amazing. You even make the life of a snake more meaningful!

  243. One night, I heard a rattlesnake in the backyard rattling at my dog, Goldie. If that sound doesn’t make the hair stand up on your neck, nothing will. My BF was gone and I went out and killed the snake. Then I ran around the house like a WWF winner on steroids with my arms over my head, screaming YEAH YEAH, COME IN MY YARD, SNAKE! It was totally unlike me and I suspect was fueled by some sort of super anti-snake adrenaline.

  244. It doesn’t look poisonous but I’m no snake expert – how terrifying! But you are bad ass. I like to think I’m bad ass but then if a snake came at me I’d be running and screaming.

  245. it was a harmless rat snake… looks like a gray rat or a corn snake … poor little guy… they vibrate their tails and try to say they are badass guys and they aren’t they eat small rodents and frogs and lizards… not venomous at all so feel bad… feel very bad … 😀 I had one of these as a PET and you killed hitler… you asshole 😀 COME AT ME BRO! and i love snakes i have 4 as pets

  246. Um, any kind of snake is NOT OKAY. Move to Antarctica immediately because I’m pretty sure it’s too cold for snakes there.

    P.S. Keep feeling better! We love ya.

  248. It was on your property uninvited so it got what it deserved.

    Rest up dear. Exhaustion, depression and anxiety is a bad mix and then add in that stinking arthuritis crappy time for sure. Make some snow cones and watch all of the potter movies. Potterthon rules the day.

  249. I learned from the great Lewis Grizzard that all snakes are copper-headed water rattlers and not to be trusted. There may or may not be “good” snakes out there. I will never know because the only good snake I’ve ever seen is a dead snake. Don’t want to die, snake, then don’t show yourself to me.

  250. No idea what kind of snake but better safe than sorry, besides even after exhaustation you have more energy in reserves than me, I would have started screaming along with your friend.

  252. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU POST A TERRIFYING CLOSE UP OF A SNAKE’S HEAD?

    That is all.

  253. I would have killed it, no questions asked. I’m amazed at how quick you thought to grab a shovel. I would have danced around and screamed for about 5 minutes until thoughts of killing it entered my mind. By then it would have completely taken off and I would have regretted not killing it.

  254. Oh I missed you!!!! Glad you are back!!!

    V from London (actually from Venezuela originally!) (see? you are Global!)

    xoxox

  255. Thanks for not sharing the photos of the pieces. And P.S., I think the plural of snake should be snakeses (snakes-is).

  256. I have asked my husband, whose qualifications include a degree in biology and fairly extensive herp knowledge also, he just killed a prairie rattlesnake the other day with a shovel!! Anyways… He says he believes it to be a Coachwhip which is in a class of snakes known as “racers” so named because they are FAST. We have red racers out in my neck of the woods (New Mexico) as well as rattlesnakes and bull snakes among others. I also HATE snakes with a passion. So I say good job killing Hitler. You just became my heroine again. Keep on getting better!

  259. Ooooo, I KNOW, I KNOW! It’s a crawfish snake. We had one on our porch at our place off the bayou. I was big ole’ pregnant and my husband was gonna defend me and warn others. So he hacked it with his biggest sword and flung it into a tree, where it hung and withered and writhed. That night the coyotes came out like it was some awesome snake flavored piñata. They all took turns jumping up and pulling it down bit by bit, howling and carrying on. Learned I can’t sleep when I inadvertently host the most awesome coyote block party ever.

  261. Jenny,
    Maybe ,and I’m just thinking out loud here , seeing how you have all those taxidermy rodent’s and such posing around your place , ” Hitler ” aka that snake .might have thought you a veritable drive through. Just sayin….

  262. Oh wow that was scary. Thank you for killing Hitler, he’s really not a good guy and I’m sure would have run off with the cupcakes I’m secretly (well not really) lusting after. Feel better.

  263. That, my friend, is a legitimate snake. I am certain because I was a smug, dumb-ass Senator in a former life and I know shit like that. That snake wanted to be hacked into tiny pieces or its body would have repelled your shovel attack. Duh.

  264. Yikes! i would have just run away screaming, Jenny! My friend Dominique came home to a rattlesnake on her front porch, right by her front door once. Her husband killed the thing with a shovel. That seems like the appropriate weapon to me. They also live in Texas. I did too for a couple of years also.

    I am glad to hear that your days are getting a little better:) I’m thinking about you:) <3

  265. His expression is quite similar to Gary Oldman’s relieved smile after Wynona Ryder shoved a stake through his heart at the end of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. That’s when Vlad gets all good looking again and you’re like, “WTF? Where were those boyish good looks during the first 99% of the movie???” So although you may never know if the snake was venomous or not, you should feel confident knowing that at least you have RELEASED him from a lifetime of assholery. “Give me peace” was what he was really saying. And you did just that.

  266. Knock, Knock Motherfucker! You’re dead!

    You were already a godess. But snake killer, too? My hero.

  267. Snakes can be frightening because they’ve gotten a pretty bad rap throughout history and freaking out is a totally understandable reaction. But, snakes can do things like control rodent populations, so as an ecologist, I’d ask people to consider whether they might be able to allow snakes to go on about their day doing snake things (which generally includes avoiding people), particularly if they are non-venomous (like this one).

  268. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I take back my other comment.

    IT WAS AKIN IN DISGUISE, GOING FOR YOUR FRIEND’S VAGINA.

    Way to stand up for women everywhere. Good job.

  269. Ok, so the iris is round indicating not poisonous. However, if a snake is acting aggressive, I don’t normally try to get a close look at it’s eye. “Oh hi possible reincarnation of Hitler. Can I just gaze meaningfully into your soulless brown eyes while you try to attack me and turn me into one of your zombie minions?” Think not.

    PS Still prefer snakes to spiders. Snakes have the potential of personality. Spiders are just plain evil. 🙂

  270. If I ran into Hitler on a porch, I’d totally scream, too!

    Then my partner would have to channel you and be the bad ass that kills him, because I’m sure I’d still be screaming. She’ll be so glad to hear she needs to be more like the Bloggess.

  271. It’s harmless, not a pit viper, non-venomous; a good, rodent-eating snake. So now you can expect an infestation of rodents.

  272. Whoa, you are hardcore! I’ve always wanted to be more brave around snakes, but no matter I just looked at your photos and had a spazmodic shiver run down my spine as my arms jerked about. I can only imagine the greater spazmodic array of movement had I been the one to come across this fellow by surprise!
    I once had a snake run across my bare toes while exploring a cemetary, totally “Dear God, What the hell, creepy times two, or ten fold kind of experience!!!!”! …and you never forget!
    From here on, ‘mind your step’!

  273. I think the snake was probably named “Hissler”. You showed him who’s boss – way to go kicking his ass (even though snakes don’t have asses)!!!!

  275. That snake now lives on in infamy in a way that if he had just minded his own business and stuck to rodents, he never would have. Just knowing you makes people/snakes famous. Or infamous. Or maybe we actually have to attack you. Whatever.

  276. Glad to hear you ONLY have debilitating exhaustion. And proud if you, a stranger, for taking care of yourself.

    I don’t have snake killing powers. Only snake screaming. To bd clear, I scream, not the snake. I called pest control and he asked for the shape of the head, ummm snake shaped. Then if the eye pupils were vertical or horizontal. I’m calling you, dude, what makes you think I got close enough for a retinal scan? All of these are clues to poison or benign. I don’t care about the law and called a neighbor to kill that thing. He was pleased bc he’s extremely un handy and finally he got to put his testosterone to work!

  278. Take care of yourself. My mom has chronic fatigue syndrome despite having been a force of nature, and it is not a good time. Her and our couch are intimately aquainted. I hope you feel better soon.

  279. You have a shovel in your house? Damn woman, you are prepared for everything!
    On another note, glad you’re feeling better 🙂

  280. You know, I don’t mind snakes as long as I see them before they start acting like total assholes on my porch. So even though Hitler Von Snakeskins doesn’t appear to be a poisonous variety, he was being a complete asshole by terrorizing your friend and therefore, deserved to die in the most painful way possible.

  281. Not poisonous, you are safe! The person who posted earlier about the eye is correct, round eye non-venomous. But go Jenny with your mad ninja skills hacking that evil thing to bits! Woohooo! Just for that, I think you need to get Beyonce a brother, or a sister, or a best friends cousins uncles aunts former roommate! lol Welcome back You have been missed Jenny! You are an amazing lady, thank you for sharing the journey with us! I so freaking love you!

  282. While I’m not a herpetologist, I do play one on TV. Yeah, no, I don’t. However, I am so impressed with your bad-assery that I will skip right over the minor details of this snake’s capabilities. Thrilled to see you on the internets. Please don’t let this incident impede your revitalization because everyone loves you and wants you happy and healthy.

  283. I think you’re funny and everything. But I have ro admit I like people that kill creatures less than the ones that don’t as a general rule. Disappointed.

  284. I screamed just looking at the pic! Scary ass hitler of a snake for sure! Don’t feel sorry. Feel confident that you saved your friend from being scared to DEATH! You TOTALLY saved her life. I’m sure she is forever grateful too. ;0)

    Snakes may not have asses, but that doesn’t make you any less bad ass. You so rock! Even when you’re all… exhausted … and shit.

    Rest up chick. Take your time easin’ back into the lime light of bad ass book writter fame. We will be here.

  286. Even if it wasn’t venomous, I’m sure if it would have hit flesh while striking it would have hurt like a mother… I think if an asshole snake were attacking me… I’d chop it to bits as well.

  287. Glad your feeling better. Killing some thing when your down always lifts the soul. Things that could kill you if you let them, that is.

  289. Man, I don’t mind snakes… but that looks like on evil snake. Seriously.

    However, I married a man who hates them so much… but still, nobody hates them more than my father. He swore if I ever brought one home it would go down the garbage disposal, and I believe him. (He’s also the least violent person I’ve ever met)

    My mom tells us the story about when he had to go out for some work in the desert, and my mom was in the truck. They saw a snake, so my dad stopped. Cut off its head with a shovel, and then ran over it four or five times just to make sure it was dead.

    …really, I just like sharing that story.

    I am so unbelievably happy though that even with the exhaustion you can summon up the strength to murder evil snakes to save your friend. That’s the sort of energy you definitely want to be able to summon no matter what the occasion.

  290. You are my hero!

    For many reasons other than being the most awesome snake-killing queen. I deal with many of the same demons as you. I won’t say the exact same, because we’re all different. Every day is a struggle but every day I find one thing to make it worth it. Thanks for keeping me from feeling alone. Love you, kisses, mean it!

  291. Hmm, ya, what you’ve got there is the common suicide by shovel snake. they are known for their agressive posturing mostly on front porches without invitations with the intent of being chopped to bits by crazy yet funny bloggers. You’ve done well.

  292. I’m so happy you are back, you snake-butt kickin’ ninja!
    I believe that is a chicken snake on the hunt for Beyonce. Sagood thing you cut him off or Beyonce would have been a bulge in his tummy.

  293. Grats on being so brave, i would have screamed silly jumped on the couch and called my boyfriend to come klill it for me.

    Wether reincarnated-as-a-snake-hitler was venomous or not. I think it was a blessing in disguise. After being able to barely get out of the couch, its appereance made you realize that although your body says ” lay on the couch for the days on end” its actually lying because you have the energy both physically and mentally to do what needs doing when it needs doing.

    Also the rush of adrenaline was definetly a good feeling to have when being down.

  294. Betelgeuse sand snake. I’m sure of it. That’s what you get when you’re dead and you try to leave the house.

  295. Furniture may have a tough time being shocked, but I know for sure they can hold a grudge. I colored on the bottom of our coffee table when I was around 3 years old and it still occasionally jumps out and bites me on the shin almost 40 years later.

    And you should move to western Washington—there are NO venomous snakes or scorpions or any of that shit here!

  296. I have pet snakes and given this one has round eyes not cat like ones then you can fairly safely say its a faker and not venomous but my non venomous snake regularly pretends to be a rattle snake and its freak as you’d so as much as i love snakes better be safe than sorry i say, he had it coming and so could have been sent to lick you to death!

  297. So maybe not the forum to tell the story about the time our cornsnake escaped for 3 months and I discovered it half way up the stairs while carrying the baby?

    No?

    Does it help that the snake is called Sherlock?

    Didn’t think so.

    Still, very impressed at the friend defending, you are clearly one badass mumma bear when it comes to your nearest and dearest!!

  298. So glad that you are feeling better! I’ve been worried about you with your crazy book tour. I think that the person who scheduled all of this clearly has never read your blog! We all love you and want you to speak in our living rooms but we don’t want to hurt you so please remember when you “tour” for your next book — ONE NIGHT SKYPE TOUR! 🙂 Of course your future animal kick ass show might also have a demanding advertising schedule so you better rest up. If you were closer I’d bring you a smoothie. Those are good to eat lying down.

  299. In my book, the only “good” snake is a DEAD snake, venomous or non. Glad to hear your energy reserve is building.

  300. True story – when I first moved to Texas, my husband, our best man (he helped us move) and I were driving around to get an idea of where things were, and we saw some random guy shooting a snake in his front yard. Adam, our best man, really is a herpetologist, and he identified the snake for the guy with the gun. Looking back now, we really shouldn’t have stopped in the middle of nowhere and gotten out of the car in the vicinity of an armed man.

  301. So much hostility! Poor little fella never had a chance. He was prolly just a baby and wanted to be with someone. Then those giant shoes come thundering at him, and the death screams,…and then the sharp pain in the middle! Yes, the torture is almost over! Cut me again and get it over with! …Agh! (up to snake heaven where there’s lots of mice and no scary shovels) What, you think there’s no snakes in heaven?

  302. You have made me laugh but I never laugh at snakes or snake killing.

    I don’t care if it was a Disney snake it was striking and hissing and should be and must be killed. It was asking for it.

    Good job.

    Getting stronger. This is good. Back to warrior writing.

  303. Nice to be reading a post from you again. You’ve been missed. And not just for your snake killing skills.

  304. This is the second-best snake killing story I’ve read this week. First place: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/48764174/ns/world_news-south_and_central_asia/?__utma=14933801.1580456957.1344803399.1345684803.1345737345.26&__utmb=14933801.1.10.1345737345&__utmc=14933801&__utmx=-&__utmz=14933801.1345155476.10.2.utmcsr=facebook.com%7Cutmccn=(referral)%7Cutmcmd=referral%7Cutmcct=/l.php&__utmv=14933801.%7C8=Earned%20By=msnbc%7Ccover=1%5E12=Landing%20Content=Mixed=1%5E13=Landing%20Hostname=www.nbcnews.com=1%5E30=Visit%20Type%20to%20Content=Earned%20to%20Mixed=1&__utmk=178838180

    (I don’t know why I can’t get that to be a link rather than just a long string of letters and numbers. I’m obviously not tech-savvy. I’m barely tech literate. Anyway, it’s a story about a man in Nepal who decided to bite a snake to death after it bit him. Talk about feeling bitey…)

  305. I’m pretty sure that’s a non-venomous snake (am married to a former herpetologist who now studies beetle sex because a malfunctioning refrigeration unit killed all his salamanders – true story) and will thus refrain from telling this story to aforementioned former herpetologist husband as he will inevitably rail at me for 30 minutes about how misunderstood snakes are and blahblahblahsciencewordsblahblah before I can remind him that *I* didn’t kill the snake and that the snake in question was trespassing and possibly planning to mug your friend.

    In any case, glad you’re back.

  306. Coming from one of the few places in the world that is snake free can I just say eek!
    Any serpent beasty is evil and must be treated as such.

  308. You have a super power.

    Even when exhausted, you can still murder reincarnated Hitlers and/or smug assholes.

    Jesus has NOTHING on you!

  309. Once upon a time, I used to work at a car-rental company in a very small airport in northern Idaho. It gets miserably fucking hot in the summer & I was not too excited at the prospect of cleaning a bunch of cars during my shift. Then came the best news ever – for someone who was already securely inside . . . . there was a rattlesnake on the loose. Fuck yeah! Guess I’m not cleaning cars tonight, huh? I settled in for a comfy, air-conditioned evening of web surfing when I heard the type of commotion that could only make you think, “Holy shit, that bitch Chicken Little was right! The motherfucking sky is falling!!” I looked out the window & there was a UPS guy with his truck parked like he was in the SWAT team, brandishing a shovel at the snake – who I was pretty fond of at this point. I was at once amused, impressed & disgusted. Amused at the sight of this UPS man dressed in head-to-toe brown more than slightly resembling a turd wielding a shovel like a ninja in a completely non-ironic manner. Impressed that, since it was summer, the turd was in shorts & still felt like he could take on a rattle snake. And disgusted, because there went my perfectly awesome reason for not cleaning any cars in the godforsaken 110-degree weather. I’m not going to say thanks, UPS man, I’m just not & we both know why.

  310. It was a penguin in disguise!!

    I like snakes so I do feel sorry for the little guy, but that’s what happens if you stray into other’s territory!
    If you go walking in the woods, you have to watch out not to step on snakes; if snakes come onto people’s porches, they have to watch out for Jenny Lawson 🙂

  312. I don’t care if all he wanted to do was cuddle. He was a snake. On your porch. That’s trespassing. He deserved what he got.

  313. That is one shifty eyed lookin snake. Regardless of its taxonomy, it was on your turf threatening your guest and you would be a bad hostess if you didn’t render it incapable of, well, anything. An excellent job well done! Kudos to you my dear.

  314. it was a legitimate, non-venimous snake. Emily is right though, it should have repelled your shovel.

    though non-venimous it would have probably bit you, but if you went inside, it would have slithered away and eaten mice, and been a productive citizen of your garden 🙂 But snakes do scare some people!

  315. I think the snake was looking smug in that last photo because he scored so many karma points by sacrificing his life to give you some snake-driven energy. He knew that the needs of the many (us) outweigh the means of the one (him), or some pseudo-Spockian shit like that, and we needed our Jenny back!

    Well played, little snake. Well played. May you come back as a taxidermied weasel in your next life.

  316. Double fake. Mass murderer snake masquerading as a harmless bull snake masquerading as a venomous snake. And by “mass murderer” I mean he probably would be if he had fangs. Or poison. Or guns. And if he weren’t a peaceful reincarnation of Mother Theresa who happened to be practicing his opera singing when your friend happened upon him.

    Did you know Mother Theresa was an opera singer too?

    Anyway. It seems to be the season of snakes. If you click through on my latest blog post about what I found in the henhouse, you’ll find out it was a snake. And you’ll see a totally badass picture of me holding the snake. Whoops. Spoiler alert. Too late. Sorry.

  318. “… on the front porch hissing and striking at her aggressively.

    Yeah. It was Hitler.

    Seriously, any snake that comes on to your property and starts to strike at you — deserves to die. No fretting on whether or not it is poisonous.

  320. You rock. I hope your rest helps you. You are brilliant and funny and bring joy into the lives of thousands of people. I’m sorry the cost to you is so terribly high, but remember when you are miserable that the world is much more amazing because of you.

    Also good job on killing the snake.

  321. Oh dear… I don’t know how y’all do it in Texas but I would just pack your bags and move out. Snakes suck. I also heard that they steal your soul as you sleep… that’s something to take into consideration.

  322. Snakes are very crafty and sly. I had a rattler crawling around my front yard one day and instead of grabbing a shovel (I didn’t want to get that close) I got the .22 pistol and shot him in the ass. Must have hit him because he shot straight forward all tensed up and rigid. Then he had the nerve to slither under the propane tank and just dare me to shoot again. He wanted me to blow myself up, but I didn’t fall for it. I got in my car and left. True story. Get well, Jenny, and you did good!

  323. It breaks my scaly-lovin’ heart to see so many “KILL ALL TEH SNAKZ” responses. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, but for the sake of the snakes:

    Lots of snakes eat rodents. People often dislike rodents. Rodents carry diseases people can catch. Ergo, people should at least be grateful to snakes. Some non-venomous snakes eat venomous snakes. So that’s cool, too.

    Not all venomous snakes have cat-like pupils (coral snakes, for example, have round pupils). Venomous snakes can dilate their pupils, too, so that they look round in certain conditions. And this is not useful when dealing with a live snake – if you’re close enough to see its pupils, chances are you’re close enough to be bitten (unless you have binoculars or a zoomy camera). Some non-venomous snakes (such as water snakes) will also flare their head out to look like a venomous snake. They may also “rattle” their rattle-less tail, and hognose snakes can flare their neck out, freaking people out that they found a seriously-wayward cobra in their yard. You’re best bet is to know your local snakes.

    Finally,
    “With medical attention, it is incredibly rare for a healthy human to die of a venomous snake bite. You have a better chance of getting struck by lightning. On top of this, snakes are capable of inflicting what is referred to as a “dry bite” meaning that they bite but do not inject any of their venom. A snake would much rather save it’s venom for a meal than waste it on some human assailant.”
    http://voices.yahoo.com/why-shouldnt-afraid-snakes-6940050.html
    http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/gaston/Pests/reptiles/snakefaq.htm
    http://www2.starexponent.com/news/2009/may/01/dont_be_so_quick_to_kill_that_snake_chances_are_it-ar-336577/
    http://www2.starexponent.com/news/2009/may/01/dont_be_so_quick_to_kill_that_snake_chances_are_it-ar-336577/

  325. Not a viper, so not poisonous.

    I know you don’t want to hear this, but those snakes are super-handy to have around. They kill vermin, like rats. It could have given you a bite, but not even a really bad one.

    I like snakes, so I’ve become a sort of local snake shoo-er. Most are pretty happy to leave your porch. It’s not a good place for them. A flat rock in a sunny place out in the yard is much better.

    I guess the silver lining is that it got you off the couch!

  326. My sister who has a pet sitting business walked into her clients home to find five dead snakes killed by the cats. She thought the first one was a rubber toy until she picked it up. No idea if any of them were Hitler. Honestly after that and reading this today I fairly certain Voldemort is attacking.

  327. I like snakes as pets, but when one is trying to come in from the wild and invade your home (through your front door — not even trying to be sneaky about it!), then clearly that snake is Hitler reincarnated and deserves death by shovel. As a Whovian, you should follow the Doctor’s instructions and “put Hitler in the cupboard” to make sure the threat is fully neutralized.

    Or just as a surprise for Victor the next time he opens the cupboard and meets Hitler.

  329. We assume that the snake was identified much, much earlier in comments.

    So we will only make this one point.

    12-gauge shotguns are the best asshole-snake-destroying devices on the planet.

    Sure, they are a bit hard on the front porch and walls, but they kill snakes dead.

    Shotguns also wipe the smug right off their asshole snake faces.

    Enjoy your recharging. And snake killing.

  330. Ew. Not into snakes. I am really impressed with your cat-like reflexes with the shovel though! I don’t think his brothers/sisters will be coming around anytime soon.

  332. She was really cute; however, you are totally badass and I thank you for killing smug, reincarnated Hitler.

  334. My dad, who is a pretty awesome herpetologist, says this: It looks like a juvenile coachwhip (Masticophis flagellum), but depending on where in Texas it was it could be some other kind of snake from that family. It’s non-venomous no matter what it is. I’m about 97% sure it’s a coachwhip.

    I didn’t even ask him about venom.

  336. It’s just a rat snake. Nothing more. They eat bird eggs and rodents and are often kept as pets. Many snakes mock dangerous snakes and fake-rattle their tails and hiss. This is because they are afraid and want to scare you away long enough for them to run off.

  338. am I the only one feeling sorry for the poor ‘nake? The death photo makes it look as if it was only smiling at you two even though you were screaming like girls…

  339. Texas rat snake, perhaps; they are the assholiest of non-venomous snakes, and definitely deserve whatever killing comes their way.

  340. It’s a rat snake. Not venomous, but tending toward assholishness, and usually channeling Hitler and and the Ayatollah. I say, “Good job, Snake-Ninja.”

    Now rest well, princess. We love you dearly.

  341. Good job getting the snake! I hope you didn’t set yourself back in exhaustion recovery by using up all that fierce snake killing energy. Hope you feel back to your normal self soon.

  342. I have to admit my reaction to it would have been “Oh, how adorable!” and I would have tried to capture it and make it a pet. Since I concur with others that it’s a harmless Texas brown snake, I would have been cuddling Hitler, so it’s a good thing you were there to save me.

  343. According to my father, an extremely well-published herpetologist of 55 years (professor emeritus at TCU; Texas represent!), it appears to be a Western Coachwhip (Masticophis flagellum). The adults usually run about five feet so it was probably a youngish one.
    If it makes you feel better, I grew up with eleventy billion snakes in our house (my baby book is basically me with different snakes around my neck, in the bathtub with a baby alligator, etc) and I would still likely freak out and be startled if I opened my door to one.

  344. Texas Brown Snake. He read what you posted about his state the other day and was PISSED. And, possibly, he didn’t like the nude pictures of his cross-species girlfriend from Flatonia that you shared. Good thing you got him first.

  345. Awesome snake chopping skills!! And I thought my husband was the only one that did that when he is being attacked a snake. He even has a special snake chopping implement hanging on a hook in the garage 🙂

  346. It looks like a juvenile coachwhip (could be a brown, but hard to see pattern along back). Personally, I hate killing any snakes, but I understand, especially with children (though from what you’ve written before, your area is full of diffferent and more dealdly snakes). Coachwhips are very fast, but not deadly. Wouldn’t be surprised if more are around. I take it Hawaii doesn’t have many snakes (although some have been introduced). Bet the news of spiders with claws (Oregon), flesh-eating crickets (S. Amer), and jumping cockroaches didn’t brighten your day.

  347. @Tasha,

    Any snake big enough to carry a baby up a flight of stairs has got it coming. Just saying.

    Kudos to Jenny, who totally took out NeoCarnated!Hitler. Also, kudos for thoroughness. As I always say when I see a film character hit an enemy once and then drop his weapon and turn his back on said enemy in order to Comfort the Heroine and Have a Moment, “YOU’RE NOT DONE.” Not done until that enemy is in several pieces, EACH of which is dead.

    While it’s interesting that there are “harmless” snakes that pretend to be dangerous, it’s sort of ironic that, as of ten thousand or so years ago, that survival strategy has become, shall we say, inoperative, now that there are tool-using animals highly motivated to protect their kin-group from, among other things, venomous and aggressive wild animals.

    In conclusion, good on you, kids stay in school, and buy bonds.

  348. I’m glad you are back! Take it easy, dear snake killer!

    I did Google the Mongolian Death Worm, which resembles an inflamed cow intestine, and also found the unfortunately named Bobbit Worm. I’m glad neither of those turned up on your doorstep.

  350. Well, I’d say that you could probably successfully invoke the “Stand Your Ground” law since the snake was acting aggressively toward your guest on your own front porch. I mean, for all you knew, he was venomous and you just can’t let a potentially venomous snake mosey up onto your private property and be all hissy and strikey… because then they just move right on in and take over the whole neighborhood… *grin (I am being silly here, don’t want someone to get all uppity and think I’m being serious)

    That being said, I don’t see huge fangs in the head shot… but you had no way of determining that in the heat of the moment so I think your slice and dice was justified… especially with the hissy/strikey thing.

    Better safe than sorry and I hope you are more vital and less exhausted soon.

  352. I don’t know what kind of snake that is, but I used to date a guy named Snake. (Seriously, he had his name legally changed to Snake). When I introduced him to my grandmother, she called him herpes. Completely innocently, mind you, however everyone found it hilarious and Snake found it bewildering. True story.

  353. Hitler died and came back as a non-venomous snake. You killed non-venomous Hitler Snake. If you keep it up, Hitler will eventually come back as a fluffy bunny.

    P.S. Totally commented this on the wrong post…

  354. You are fucking awesome, Jenny. You’re the only potentially depressed, certainly exhausted person I don’t really know who would jump up to kill a snake in said state.

  355. First of all, holy shit that’s a lot of comments to go through to get here! Second, THANK YOU FOR KILLING HITLER! Do we really want a Snake trying to take over the world and kill all that are not like him? Meaning everything but snakes?! He was clearly starting with your friend! And third, I’m so glad you’re doing better. And I’m glad your couch is there for support. Both physically and mentally.

  356. Holy shit balls. I’m going to have nightmares tonight! I totally wouldn’t have had the gut to do what you did. You are my snake killing hero!

  358. Hi Jen… after doing some extensive sourcing, i think it is safe to conclude that you are dealing with a Northern Brown Snake. They are harmless. You need not pack up and run for the hills.

  359. I am not a snake expert, I’ve only seen a few, it looks pretty fierce and you should have taken it out or your friend would have been toast. That’s just my opinion. I’m glad your back, sort of, and didn’t take a month off. Take care, and keep that snake fighting spirt.

  360. For some reason it said it couldn’t link my blog, so yea I’m commenting again. Thanks for the whole killing hitler thing.

  361. Okay, am I the only one who thinks the word “herpetologist” is funny?

    With that out of the way – you were protecting a friend from a possibly dangerous snake, so I think you were in the right here.

    Glad to hear you’re back upright; hopefully the snake ninja-ing won’t take a toll.

  362. Beats my ” I got locked in a bathroom with a pissed off, wild racoon because my cousin doesn’t love me” story. Wtg Jenny!

  363. I would have peed, screamed, and passed out. So good job! I have to ask…..you went INSIDE to get the shovel? Why was the shovel inside???

    I feel guilty. I was at the signing in Minneapolis…..I kept hoping you would come to us and you DID….and It contributed to your exhaustion :(….

  365. I agree, herpetologist sounds a little shifty .. And I agree with the person who thinks it is a “Dick Snake” as, yeah, the DICK was on your front steps. I find it rather amazing you not only chopped it in half but a few more times for good measure.

    I would have been too busy hyperventilating in the front hall.

    Hoping you are feeling better soon. I love the recommendation of your doc. Wise advice.

  366. It looks like a ground rattler and from what you said about its behavior, that’s most likely what is was. They are poisonous and aggressive. They shake their tails to mimic a rattlesnake because they want to be so badass. My grandfather had one try to run up his leg one time. I had one get in my house. Glad you dispatched it into its next lifetime where hopefully it will reincarnate as a gila monster, a much nicer creature.

  367. Well if you didn’t want to quarter a snake on your porch, you shouldn’t have cut him in fourths.
    Seriously, it’s not a snake at all. I think it’s a puppy. Good job! Puppy killer.

  369. Holy shit Jenny! Did you wash and was that snake after you killed it? Because in the before photo it looks fairly dull, and it’s not the fuzzyness. The after photo looks so shiny! Tell me what you used so I can use it on any snakes I may kill in the future.

  371. That’s Charlie the snake. He’s worse than reincarnated Hitler even. He flies and pukes more snakes. Plus he kills you but then brings you back to life just so he can kill you again. I hate that guy.

    It takes a special kind of awesome to kill Charlie.

  372. Doesn’t look venomous, but non-venomous doesn’t always mean “harmless.”

    It definitely would have grown up to become a basilisk. Great job at being proactive and wiping it out before it hitched a ride across the pond and set up shop in the Hogwarts plumbing.

  374. Thank you for killing Hitler.

    Also, I just said, “OMG! My friend killed a SNAKE on her PORCH. I hate Texas. I’m moving back to San Diego!” and then I realized I called you friend. 🙂 Aw.

    Also, I made a deal with a Texas friend to kill all her scorpions and she kills my spiders. It’s a good relationship. You need to find one of these mutually beneficial relationships.

  375. look at that smartass snake. he’s even mocking you dead….he’s like “oh you just think you killed me, but we both know i’ll be coming back IN YOUR DREAMS ” *cue evil snake laughter* but you know the truth…that snake will not be attacking any exhausted unsuspecting writers any time soon. or ever. job well done.

  377. “Hiss, hiss, motherfucker!”

    Seriously, I would’ve been pissing myself and screaming. I found a dead pigeon in my yard and had to get a neighbour to shovel it into a garbage bag for me. GO YOU!

  379. My husband thought I was speaking euphemistically when I told him “she had a Texas Brown Snake on her front porch.”

    BTW, Glad you are resting up!

  380. So someone said it was a Rat Snake? Well, now it looks more like a very fine belt. You are a ninja among snake killers. Or some such thing. Or other. What?

  382. Yowza! Glad to see that you’re getting back in the game (in a big way if you count your heroic snake disbursement)!

  383. You are telling this story to a woman who once saw a BIG (and by BIG I mean GIGANTIC) black snake in her backyard, while she was push-mowing her grass. Do you know what this lady did? Instead of running over it with the lawnmower and hacking it into a billion pieces, I let go of the mower, took several SLOW steps backward, and then ran like a crazy woman to my back door. Because you see, the snake might not have been hacked to death by the mower, or worse yet, it might have been, and the head might have come flying at me with fangs aimed for my face. So I just faked it out so it wouldn’t realize I was there until I was too many steps away for it to chase and catch me.

    You are my hero. Never forget it. 🙂

  384. I second the opinion of the people on here who are all “how in f*cknation are we supposed to get close enough to decide if they have round or slitty eyes without getting our faces bit off and all venom-ized”. I say shovel first, question later. I don’t think anyone wants their last thought on this earth to be “well I guess that’s what a slitty-eyed snake looks like…”

    And I don’t have brutal exhaustion but I have a very bad case of the “why the hell is everyone so mean”. My mailman flipped me off today for driving too slow. My mailman. That’s like Mother Theresa rising from the dead to stomp on my ovaries. I’m collecting dead cicadas so I can dress them up in tiny mailman costumes and hang them from the mailbox. Knock-knock mother-f*cker.

  385. I thought the round eye / pointy eye thing wasn’t true? Some poisonous have round eyes.

  386. poisonous nonpoisonous doesn’t matter. What matters right now is that there is sufficient evidence to support that your house hold now needs a mongoose to keep everyone safe!

  387. My husband took one look and said “That’s a Mamba and it will kill your ass.” He’s not a biologist or anything but he is an avid outdoorsman. Either way, I’m glad you killed it. You GO Girl!

  388. I should further defend my mongoose theory. Unlike where I live in New Hampshire where we only have one poisonous snake the timber rattler (which no one ever sees) you have TONS of poisonous pissed off asshole snakes. Thus every household should have a mongoose in Texas for safety sake. You never know which kind of snake is going ambush people coming in and out of the house and if there will be a shovel nearby! Good job saving your friend it was the right thing to do unless Steve Irwin was there (if he were alive) and I would say run while he tries to pick the damn thing up……

  390. Snakeskin ballet flats sound like the most excellent idea I’ve herd all day, and kudos to you for taking a picture of it while there was panic going on!

  392. Way to go in killing Hitler. That bastard had it coming.

    And I’m going to admit that Texas Brown Snake made me giggle because it sounds like a euphemism for poop.

    Hope you feel better.

  394. That is terrifying! you are brave as hell. I have such a phobia of snakes! I’m almost certainly going to have a nightmare about snakes now because of that picture. It happens every time I see one on TV. There’s a very large brown spider (and by that I mean the size of a quarter) that hangs out on the back patio at night. I won’t even go out at night anymore. I could NEVER EVER even visit your area. I wouldn’t be able to sleep. My husband & I just bought a house in NYC. Now, there are notorious housing projects with gang members 5 blocks away (the beach is 2 blocks away so its worth the trade off to me) but that doesn’t really scare me. Go figure. 🙂

  395. Okay, I wasn’t going to write this because it’s going to make me sound nuts 🙂 but I also will NOT flush if I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night bc I’m afraid a snake will climb out of the toilet in the master and get me. I heard of a snake coming out of the toilet once. 🙂 anyway, glad you’re feeling a bit better

  397. I’m sorry, but did someone compare getting bitten by this snake to a goose bite? Dare I ask how they know how both of those bites feel?

  398. I agree with all the folks who said it’s a rat snake. There are a lot of them here in Austin and they are not poisonous but they are aggressive. Just guessing though. And you’re right to kill an aggressive snake on your porch. A snake being aggressive on a human’s property is a violation of the snake-human treaty.

    Also, glad it was now and not spring. There were a lot of reports of cottonmouths in Austin in the spring. I had two friends find them in their yards here in the city. Crazy.

  399. Although I understand your actions, this post makes my heart frown, as do the vast majority of the responses that I read before I couldn’t stomach reading any more. Don’t get me wrong — if I had a little girl and truly believed that something was dangerous, and that it could feasably enter my home and harm my family, I would take action. Granted, I would probably call a professional to remove the perceived threat so they could use it for antivenom or relocate it or whatever. But the rally cry of support and cheers are shameful. The snake didn’t do a damn thing to anybody except puff up and lash out when something 1000x its size surprised it. If given the chance to slither away, it would have. There is absolutely no need to kill something just because you think it’s icky or creepy/scary, or because it happened to wander into your personal space. Sorry to spew forth what most would consider hippy dippy bullshit, but to me, a life is a life. I don’t eat animals. I don’t wear them. I do rescue them. I’ve nursed creatures back to health that most would consider a nuisance. I will never understand how anyone can treat a living thing like it’s an expendable object simply because they were inconvenienced by its presence.

    On a less soap-box note, I am truly glad that you are feeling better. Please continue to be good to yourself. Sleep lots, demand footrubs, and shamelessly indulge in a five-course ice cream dinner followed by a Twilight marathon.

  400. It’s non-venomous, but it acted like a douche canoe. You acted in the interest of all man-kind by beating the douche canoe with a paddle-like object. For all we know, that snake was enough of an asshole he could have totally been a re-incarnated hitler.

  402. I agree with getting him stuffed and adding him to your budding Harry Potter taxonomy collection. Then again, I am a raging Harry Potter fanatic. Either the basilisk or Nagini are excellent characters and will help to prove that he was extremely evil and deserved his fate.

  403. Jesus God! I don’t care if the snake were Mother Teresa in a former life, it has NO right to strike at the legs of anyone!
    Still, I could not have hacked it with a shovel. My Mom always killed snakes with a hoe. I can’t kill snake with any sort of garden implement.

  404. You are a total bad ass. Good job killing Hitler! (Also, you’re hilarious and I love you. Rest up, lass.)

  405. Maybe some day I will share my snake invading my personal space story. This one was IN my house. Not cool.

  406. You are pretty badass and I’m going to take you camping with me next time. And by camping I mean staying at the Fairmont and going down to the bar for drinks rather than ordering room service.

  407. Uh-oh…
    I’ve identified the decedent on Google Images as the harmless, indeed, wholly goodhearted and lovable “Lassie Snake” which, like dolphins and dogs, often befriends and saves humans in trouble. It was probably trying to alert you that its little friend, Timmy, was trapped under a tractor or having trouble with his geometry.

    Somewhere tonight there is a lonely little boy, trapped under a tractor, calling for his loyal pet snake who will never return. He also has no clue about isosceles triangles…

    Too bad he wasn’t one of those badass, deadly Black Mamba snakes with the big fangs so he could go all bitey on that Brittany from a few posts back and then live off her hippy carcass for a few months. Black Mambas love the taste of smug.

  408. Knock Knock, Mother Fucker,

    Holy Hell! You are not only the bloggess you are a GODDESS!
    Can you pleassse come to my house and kill the snakes under my front porch? Seriously, they keep me inside most days.
    Good work lady!

  410. This comment is going to differ from others because I have 1) a penis 2) a lick of sense and 3) I don’t have a mommy blog. There are about five venomous snakes that you need to identify in your part of the world. Stop being dick and killing the ones that are guilty because you lack the ability to identify it. I kill the hell out of animals that I love to eat, but I also know which ones not to take a shovel to. I’m sure there’s a fantastic Snakes of Texas website that can help you on your way. Snake Killers are slightly below Baptists.

  411. Well, lawsie. You have exhaustion? Didn’t you JUST do a book tour of EVERYWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES INCLUDING ONE OF THOSE CANADIAN STATES (except somehow anywhere in the middle of the country that would have allowed me a reasonable drive of less than 10 hours to see you, but guilt trips aside…we don’t read here in the middle. We look at pictures.)???

    I think you’re allowed some exhaustion after that.

    Also, HOLY FUCKING SNAKE, it’s a SNAKE. I don’t care if it’s one of those special snakes that helps blind people cross the street and is totally allowed in supermarkets and shit. It’s a snake; kick him ’til he’s dead.

    Hmm. I’m afraid to post in your other post about not posting because I’m afraid too much metatextual posting will open up some blog space-time vortex and Tila Tequila will come out the other end and try to date me.

  412. Looks like a baby Whip Snake or a Texas Republican so I would plump for the latter!

    Get weller soon.

  414. iPad goes flying across the room. So was NOT expecting the second pic in extreme close up.

  415. You might not want to go on a snake killing spree since those buggers will eat the other stuff you don’t want in your house.

  416. It looks like a one-eyed-poisenous-trouser-snake. I should know, I am kind of an expert on the trouser snake bunch.

  417. Wow, I had no idea there were so many snake-haters out there. I’m sure it was quite harmless – we kept snakes as pets growing up. Several of them.

    I rather like snakes, actually. They feel all cool and dry and slithery when you hold them. There are very few venomous ones, and most are more frightened of you than vice versa. They mostly get aggressive when they’re scared or hungry, like most other creatures (including people).

    Speaking of Hitler and cutting things in pieces, though, here’s an amusing little video my boyfriend made the other day, featuring our evil rabbit, Downy, who probably IS venomous. She’s cute though, at least on the surface, so we let her live.

    http://youtu.be/G8nraiQQqKM

  418. The correct response to a hissing snake on your front patio is to set your house on fire and run for it. You can always build another house.

  419. Why do you keep shovels in your house? So that Copernicus will have easy access? In any case, congrats on feeling better AND on the snake killing!

  421. Jenny, I just started reading your site because you’re really funny. I hate that you’re going through nervous overkill or whatever they call it. Please take good care of yourself.

    I also can’t believe all the people that leave you comments. I’ve read hundreds and everyone is so cool and no one is hateful. You’re very lucky as a blogger. Some bloggers have the crazies that leave comments. I really like your gang here!

  423. Did you forget your reader’s birthdays, because they are totally trying to get you offed by a snake. Pupil shape does not indicate venom status. Elliptical pupils are nocturnal snakes, and round are diurnal.

    The coral snake has round pupils, but I wouldn’t recommend making it your cuddle buddy.

  424. I guess I can call myself a herpetologist as I got my Masters studying rattlesnakes. This is obviously a nonvenomous snake, and most probably a juvenile coachwhip. The behavior described is consistent with coachwhips – they are aggressive bitey defenders with lots of thrashing and tail-rattling. The large eye ringed by lighter scales is also fairly indicative of the juveniles.

    http://cabezaprieta.org/reptile_page.php?id=1243

    http://ufwildlife.ifas.ufl.edu/snakes/coachwhip.shtml

    I must confess to being dismayed by the predominance of posts congratulating Jenny on killing something when she had no idea what it was. Killing what you don’t understand is never to be congratulated (particularly ironic in a thread where the name “Hitler” is so commonly tossed about). I’m sorry Jenny, but I have to say “shame on you” for this one. Snakes are our friends more commonly than not – even venomous species primarily prey on rodents that are bad for us. Leave them alone, they leave you alone. Next time, try sweeping it off the porch with a broom instead of giving it the Rwanda treatment. I think you’ll find it short-term just as effective, and long-term even more effective.

  426. Careful Jenny. When you cut a snake into pieces, each section can grow a new head and tail, then come looking for you. It’s a horror when you hit one with a lawnmower- that’s where the swarms of little snakes come from.

  427. Get well soon.

    Good snake killing, I think its a purple headed trouser python that was cut from a dead Ninja, and brought to life ala Mickey Mouse in Fanatasia, and was pissed becuase it’s been chased by Pink Elephants and milk maids stools for like 80 years.

    Or not that, but I know that songs going on in your head now!

  428. OMG. Every time you mention that you have snakes, I think, “I could never, ever, live in Texas.” And then you tell me that you had to kill one ON YOUR OWN FRONT PORCH.

    Yeah… I would have to move. Hell, I’d have moved quite some time ago.

    The correct reaction to SNAKE, if you have the wherewithall (I don’t, so Yay You!) is KILL IT. My much less useful reaction of “freeze up and cry silently in terror” is much less effective for achieving anything but a panic-stricken, weepy death. I actually couldn’t even look at the pics without yelping.

  429. Wow, Texas is full of excitement. We only have one poisonous snake in England. His name is Norman and he lives in a hollow tree in the New Forest.

    Yay for you – keep on recouperating honey, we’re all thinking of you.

  430. Your demon.
    Existentially/symbolically presented for you to conquer.
    You DID it!!
    Now you’re back, and you – and WE – are the better for it.
    Feel good. Or at least feel better than that severed snake.
    XOXO
    G

  431. fotherMucker! You know what this means? It means that you just won ‘Warrior-mama-of-the-year’ award. It means that no matter what, regardless of how ill you are, you’ll still go at anything threatening your home and family.
    If a psycho killer rhinoceros comes stampeding towards your door, you will not hide in the bathroom screaming for your mom (like brave men would), oh no, you’ll stomp on up to him and box his ears until he changes his mind and decides he’s not a psycho killer rhino after all, but a cute little mouse. Possibly taxidermied.

    This is just full of WIN!

  432. I think it is an “OMG I am glad I live in England” snake! Congrats on your daring rescue…what do you do with dead snake pieces?

  433. Pretty saddened by this post 🙁 I’m a reptile handler here in Australia, and that’s reptiles of the if it bites you you may die variety and i don’t think there’s ever an excuse for killing a snake. Especially when there are generally friendly people who are happy to come and relocate them for you, and also when the only way to actually kill a reptile is through a crushing head injury. Otherwise you just have 4 pieces of snake that are in pain, know they’ve been cut up and can’t do anything about it, and will take several hours to die.

  435. Dude.
    Seriously?
    Geez.

    Sorry I can’t help you identify the snake. For me a snake is a snake. I’m all close minded that way.

    Now go get some more rest.

  436. It seems awfully hypocritical to kill a snake (venomous or not) when you will only buy taxidermied animals that “died of natural causes”. What makes human beings think they can kill harmless creatures just because they inconvience us? You could have called someone to collect the snake and at least kill it humanely, not slice it up into pieces! I only kill for food, or if the animal is a proven pest, e.g. possums in New Zealand, a country with only one native mammal (a bat) and not natural predators.

  437. I’m not saying that we should all run around looking for snakes to kill, like some crazy-torch bearing-snake hunting mob….BUT this one was right by your house and who knows what was going on in his tiny snakey mind, so he clearly deserved to be shoveled to death. Personally, I think snakes are evil (anything with all black eyes probably can’t be good…proof: great white sharks).

  438. Judging by the shape of the head, the eyes, and the tail, it’s not a viper or a rattler, so you’re good. You probably just caught it at a bad time.

  440. Looks like a garter snake or some other type of garden dwelling reptile.

  441. The extreme exhaustion is no surprise-I was exhausted just reading about your schedule the last couple of months!
    Couch bonding is good…snake killing is scary. We have rat snakes in the north who are little, but come at you like an angry cobra. Be well, badass Jenny!

  442. Well, this is what happens to Hitler when he shows up on your porch and *clearly* threatens your friend’s safety. Nicely done. And welcome back to the internets. We’ve missed you a lot. A LOT.

  443. I say taxidermy that snake head, place it in Juanita’s hands and make a card that says, “Call ME and asshole, will ya? Bwahahahaha!” Then, those of us with asshole exes can BUY said card and send it to them anonymously. This way, you did a service not only to your friend (by obviously saving her life from this heinous, poisonous monster) but to all of us with exes who need a card reminding them they’re lucky to still be alive. Now, you’re paying it forward and the world is a better place.

    Thank you, once again, for making the world better, Jenny!

  446. I once took a shovel to a mouse (sorry mouse lovers, but he didn’t look like Mickey at. all.), so I’m quite certain I would have completely lost my shit if I saw a snake hissing and booing at me like this asshole.

    Elisha was right to lose her mind. You were right to slice that fucker into bits.

    Should it happen again, and on the off chance you get bitten….do like this batshit crazy dude did. Bite back.

    http://www.torontosun.com/2012/08/24/man-bites-snake-to-death-in-revenge-attack

  447. The exhaustion thing is kind of a lifestyle when you have autoimmune stuff and live on meds. I feel for thee, chronic fatigue sux. You’ll find your rhythm. 😉 And awesome about the snake, gave his life so you could feel more alive, haha. A youtube of you hacking it would have rocked.

  448. At least you know that even in extreme exhaustion you’ve got an inner reserve of ninja warrior. Hope you’re feeling better soon!

  449. “So I ran inside, grabbed a shovel and cut it in half but then it kept on coming and Elisha and I were all “WTF?” and the snake was like “Thanks. Now I can move much more fast because now I’m lighter, asshole” and then I screamed like a ninja warrior and cut it up into 4 pieces because that’s what happens when you call me an asshole.”

    Remind me to NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.. PISS YOU OFF!
    Seriously, you’re one crazy bitch when you want to be, right?

  450. So this is what happens when a ninja warrior has a nervous breakdown. Sad and sleepy until something threatens a loved one and then — Hiiiiyah! — it’s ninja ass kicking time again. Stronger than you think, even when beat up and beat down. Proud of you. Take that, you little reptile bastard. Are you going to have him taxidermied?

  452. even if it wasn’t poisonous, I suspect its bite would still hurt like a mofo. That’s right, I said mofo. You’re welcome.

    Also, glad you are feeling better. Killing Hitler always makes me feel better, too.

  453. To be honest, I can’t tell you the type of snake because I didn’t look at the pictures. But since he/she came uninvited onto your porch, I can only assume that they are a major douche canoe and deserved to be killed.

  454. Yikes! I’m so glad you & Elisha were not harmed in the viperous assault.

    @ likeablegirl
    “It’s the basilisk and it belongs up on the shelf next to Hermione & Ron Weasely.”
    Awesome!

  455. sometimes i don’t know what’s funnier … your blog posts or the comments that follow … probably your blog posts cuz you’re just that kind of bad ass! … i am lining up with these others that say get him taxidermy’d to go with your alligator and mouse (i forgot their names) … would make an awesome trio!

  457. You had a smug, self-multiplying zombie snake that may or may not have been a reincarnation of Hitler?! Good job with the swift response; the world is now slightly safer.

  458. I was chased by a 8″ garter snake once. For anyone that doesn’t know, garter snakes aren’t poisonous. But it still scared the bejeebers out of me. I ran to the front porch to escape. If there had been a shovel handy, I would have certainly killed it.

    Since you didn’t know whether your snake was poisonous or not, you did the right thing. And kudos for having the energy and protective spirit to leap off the couch and come to Elisha’s defense.

  459. It’s a non-venomous Tealight Candle Party snake. They’re known to slither around and make you buy things like cookie scented candles that smell like chocolate and bleach. Also, it was solely responsible for canceling Firefly, so good job!

  460. I don’t think I could have shoveled a snake to death during my nervous breakdown, although now we’ll never know. Rest and be kind to yourself. Also, congratulations on the Hitler killing.

  461. Snakes just want to be loved. He was stopping by to wish you well but his own language is hissing. You might want to read Harry Potter while on the couch.
    Welcome back!!!

  462. Addendum to above post. You always make me feel like laughing even when I don’t want to and I love and thank you for that. Now, as a fellow major depressive with PTSD, I do know that we can face truth when we need to. Jenny, a few of the posts have spoken in defense of the snake and I have to agree with them. It is natural to be frightened but, using 20/20 hindsight, it would have been better for all to stop screaming since snakes cannot hear and depend on vibrations for location, call the zoo and ask for someone to come help. I do not think the snake is poisonous. That said, you did what you felt was necessary and that was good. NO NEED TO FEEL GUILTY. If there is a next time, call someone for help or information. Snakes do experience pain. And keep knowing that you are still a very strong person whose strength sometimes needs a hiatus. That is what couches are for.

  463. After seeing pictures of my friend who was bitten by a copperhead, I say kill kill kill away.

  464. Forget the snake thing! The real ninja like manuver is being able to take a month off with a young child and a husband!!!!! THAT is the trick I want to hear about!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  468. I don’t like snakes, but I never could have killed the sucker. I would have run back into the house and waited until someone else did it for me…and made margaritas in the meantime. Forever, if necessary.

  469. Triangle-shaped heads are pretty easy to spot at a distance if you aren’t in panic mode. I don’t blame Jenny for killing the snake, but I do think it is unnecessary and people freak out far more than they have to over snakes.

  470. If you do get it taxidermied, please keep the pieces separate so you have a 3D version of the “Join or Die” Ben Franklin drawing.

  471. I wish this had happened before Inglorious Basterds came out–then you could’ve told people that the movie was really based on your life (albeit loosely). Trust Hitler to have such shitty timing. Goddamn it, Hitler.

  472. Don’t feel bad. Even if it wasn’t poisonous, it was obviously scouting the place out for weak points. Now the snake army will pass you by and move in next door.

  473. Maybe a young coachwhip?!
    Your story gave me the chills. So glad that mofo of a snake is dead.

  475. who knew you could tell if a snake was vemonous by the shape of its iris? i surely didn’t. and if i did know that, i’m not sure if i would have the presence of mind to remember that & look at its eyes. you are brave for sure. i would have either called the police or waited for it to go away.

  478. Good for you. When I see them on the road I drive them over with my car. When I see them in the garden or anywhere else when I’m on foot I run screaming for safety. I’m with you – we don’t need another Hitler – or another snake.

  479. As someone who has struggled with a fair degree of snake-phobia (while studying for a degree in Ecology where people would get fucking snakes to the fucking CLASS; I’d be the one person curled up in the seat, whimpering), I see both sides of the coin. Snakes are very important for the ecosystem. You wouldn’t like a world without snakes, I guarantee you that.
    That being said, if there’s a snake near me that looks like it might attack, I’d probably lose all rationality and attack it right back (or more likely, have a heart attack). Stay away from me, and I stay away from you. That’s my motto.
    Take care, Jenny.

  480. This was actually a sad story to read on the same day my pet boa Googly died, but at least it contained your trademark humor and brought a smile to my sad face. (P.S. – not venomous be potentially very bitey.)

  481. Can’t help but think it might have been very, very angry and feeling particularly bitey. Maybe you could post a picture and ask if anyone’s seen him/her?

  482. I say you have the head put onto the top of a pen and put it in your purse. Not only will you get that great shock-and-awe effect, but you can look amazed spectators in the eye and horrify them further: “I killed it.” And you also get that self-satisfied feeling every time you look at him. “That’s right, I got you f’er.”

  483. From what I know of TX snakes having grown up here, it doesn’t look like any that I know to be venomous- a rattler, cottonmouth or copperhead. Obviously it’s not a coral snake.

    They say snakes keep the rats under control. Still though I’d rather see a rat than a snake if I had to choose.

    No surprise you’re suffering from exhaustion kiddo. Keep your head down and rest til you can’t stand it anymore.

  484. Seriously, this would only happen to you. Or my Dad. But his was a copperhead. And Mussolini, not Hitler. But really the same thing.

    Get some rest!

  485. You aren’t supposed to kill Hitler. You’re just supposed to put him in the cupboard. Jeez, Jenny. Now you’ve changed the whole time/space continuum.

    I hope you get to feeling better soon. I can’t even imagine how difficult this book tour must have been on you.

  486. He’s totally smiling in the last picture, because he wanted to die. He wanted to be venomous and all deadly, but he just didn’t have the anatomy for it and all the other snakes knew it and mocked him mercilessly.

    In a related story, because don’t we all just love stories? I found a very very long snake skin on my porch and it was going into the house. I don’t know for sure how long it was because the skin broke off when I pulled on it. So I had the initial – where does that spot on the porch connect in the inside of the house exploration, then an adventure on a chair with a flashlight looking into the dusty cobweb lined wood frame and insulation above the laundry area. My laundry service for the household dropped off for a bit. Always one to procrastinate a boring chore I found it took even more motivation and hutzpa to get it done. An added stresser was the fact that two of my kids share a bedroom in the basement and while I usually practice a benign sort of neglect with my children I felt a moral obligation to check on them when there was any excessive screaming involved. Then eventually I forgot about it.
    Until one day I looked out the glass door and saw an enormous black snake exiting the building. He had to be 8ft if he was an inch. And I have to take the credit for some of his girth and weight because as I understand it he wouldn’t have come visiting at all if I hadn’t had a plethora of mice in my walls. He slithered away with a smug look on his face and I blocked the hole in the wall with a wooden paint stirrer, which was just the right size – and free! Take that expensive exterminator! But I think your way is far superior for immediacy and satisfaction.

    In a less related note, I once almost died. I was pushing the wood frame of my futon up a ladder to a loft in my apartment back in the day and I reached this point where the balance shifted and I knew I was a goner. I pictured the obituary clearly – knew they’d misspell something crucial and make note of my less than flattering pajama ensemble – because when else do you move a futon up into a loft? When it’s time to tuck in, der. So in flush of pre-embarrased state of mortification I somehow summoned the energy, the strength, the life force to push the frame over the edge and avoided tumbling down the ladder and being crushed. -Which is to say I totally understand.

    Nothing makes you quiet so alive or aware of what you are capable as almost dying. And you, my dear sweet love are capable of anything. So he was clearly a suicidal friend snake smiling at a job well done.

  487. Haha, awesome overkill! This reminds me of my mother, who grew up in rural Taiwan where snakes were often venomous and dangerous, so you learn to deal with them quickly. One time when my family and I were visiting her and my dad at their home in Kentucky, my 5 or 6 year old son decided to surprise grandma by putting his toy rubber snake in her garden. WHACK, about two seconds after she noticed it, my very surprised son now had two (smaller) toy snakes and a heck of a story to tell his friends about his snake-killing hoe-wielding ninja grandma!

  488. Welcome back. I missed you! I love you, Jenny, the Bloggess. You’re kinda my hero!

  489. the round eyes, shape of his head, and the fact you live in the US/he isn’t a coral snake indicate he’s probably non venemous. Poor thing

  490. Jenny, it looks like it may have been a coachwhip, which is a harmless snake, so although he did not necessarily need to be punished, aren’t they all sneaky little bastards who deserve to die anyway? If you look closely, (and who would, while he was writhing) you can see a little mustache-like mark above his upper lip. I suggest you stuff him with a crappy little hairpiece.

    Several years ago, when I was walking my baby around our rural neighborhood, I encountered HALF a dead snake on the sidewalk! I mean, who leaves half a dead snake just lying around? And where was the other half? I called animal control to ask them to remove the carcass, and they were like, “o.k.” and 2 days later the freaking thing was still there!!! I didn’t bother to ask again, but decided it was probably best just to avoid the sidewalk on this particular corner, so guess what I found in the street there? A 6 inch long, neatly sliced, chunk of (presumably) the same snake. WTF? I am glad to report that we no longer live in that town, lousy with julienned serpents, but I have seen several partial deer here in western Maryland.

  493. that my friend would be a Texas Brown Snake. they are fast but only eat small roadents like Voles, and insects. but i when snakes come in my yard they get beheaded with my mighty shovel xD GOOD JOB KILLING HITLER!!!

  494. My blog reading list tricked me into reading the post and seeing the goddamn snake’s head AGAIN and I am just saying that I had better not have some creepy snake dream *shudder* I avoided it yesterday but I don’t know if I can get that lucky a 2nd time.

  495. Per my Herpetologist friend: It’s a young coachwhip. Totally harmless, especially as hatchlings. They’re somewhat rare in Florida. Actually, pretty rare unless you’re in the right habitat. For example, I’ve only seen a single live individual in all my time in Florida wild lands. The adults do kind of look like king cobras, if you’ve got them cornered and they’re desperate trying to escape. If we lived in Asia where king cobra might be a possible snake ID, I might be able to understand why someone would try to kill a coachwhip. Tell whoever killed it to enjoy the rodents and other vermin this snake would’ve consumed in its lifetime.

  496. So glad you have a reserve inner ninja. And the snake, though possibly not venomous, probably had rabies so it “needed killin'” . You did Texas (and possibly the world) a huge service. It will likely go unsung because the world doesn’t know how catastrophically close it came to a hydrophobie apocalypse. But we know. And we salute you.

  497. It doesn’t have a spade-shaped head, and it has round irises, so not venomous.

    But, I so feel your snake pain, as last night I had to catch eight snakes that were in my kitchen and living room. Eight. Admittedly, they were Northern Ringnecks, so harmless, but. Eight snakes. In my kitchen. And living room. At one in the morning. We think that they were hiding in the box of peaches that I was canning yesterday, and just quietly made their escape. But still. Eight snakes. At one in the morning. What the hell.

  498. Definitely NOT a crotalid (a pit viper) and just a little rat snake… but he had NO RIGHT to be on your porch OR to strike at your friend! So, the rule of self-defense applies!

    A comment earlier in the thread intrigued me – I googled the “Mongolian Death Worm”, and was fascinated! I was also struck bu how similar the MDW is to the Sandworm from Frank Herbert’s Dune. Hmmmm…..

  502. The post was impressive.

    The comments delicious.

    Hope you and the couch come to an agreement soon not to be so close. It is good to have you back.

    Hugs.

  503. You slaughtered a harmless coachwhip snake. Although they do feed on large metal chickens, so you saved at least one life. Rest up killa.

  504. As I was reading this post, I kept thinking, “She’s going to post a super close-up-y picture of that snake and it’s going to make me super uncomfortable.” And you did. And it did.

    As someone who was diagnosed with severe adrenal fatigue this week, after feeling like general shitcakes for years, my heart truly does go out to you. Now let’s cuddle up together and take a nap.

  505. You are a WICKED BADASS! We don’t really have snakes here but tomorrow I’m so going out to buy a shovel to keep by the front door to ward off other stray nature and creepy church people.

  506. All snakes are evil and should be wiped off the face of the earth. Good job doing your bit for humanity!

  508. Holy crap! You are one brave woman, I pretty sure if I found an aggressive snake on my front step I’d scream and then have an appropriately dramatic attack of the vapours. I certainly wouldn’t have the bollocks to take a shovel to it!

  511. “and then I screamed like a ninja warrior and cut it up into 4 pieces because that’s what happens when you call me an asshole. You’ve been warned. But the good news is that I found out that I had a secret reserve of emergency snake-murdering energy”

    Shoot, I love that quote. Can I steal it? Please, come live near me so we can be best friends. And so you can kill all the evil snakes here – I live in Australia so I can put your snake-murdering energy to good use.

    Oh, and great job killing Hitler! He deserved it, especially considering how much he insulted you with that video about you becoming the Princess of Germany.

  512. As non-venomous (based on the above comments) I’d guess he was more scared of you and Elisha than you were of him. That said, you know how when you get caught doing something you shouldn’t, you over-react in your startledness? Yeah, He was totally doing something he shouldn’t have been and deserved to be hacked to pieces. …maybe he was plotting to attack Juanita or even Ferris! …or he could’ve been doing illegal drugs or meeting someone to make a sale, in which case he was really hoping you guys would go away when he hissed.

    Good job getting another drug dealer off the streets!

  514. That snake right there? That one? That is EXACTLY why you should never leave your wingman, er, your couch.

    Well, unless your couch has a snake on it and then, yeah, you should totally leave it. I think even Goose and Maverick would agree with me there. In fact, I’m sure of it.

    Great balls of fire!

  516. You have got to take that thing to a taxidermist and get them to sew it back together as some sort of zombie Hitler. extra points if you give it to Elisha as a memento.

  517. Dear Jenny,

    I’m writing to tell you that my husband hates your blog. Now, before you get all sad, you should know that he’s never actually READ your blog. He’s just jealous of the relationship you and I have.

    I read your blog every night while laying in bed. And I laugh. Out loud. And he sighs. And I laugh out loud again. And he gets all bent out of shape like I’m laughing at an inside joke that he’s not a part of.
    Lately I’ve been starting to think you were ruining my marriage.

    However, last night we had a breakthrough. I showed my husband the snake picture and because he grew up in Texas Hill Country and can remember things from 1978, he spent about an hour looking at snake pictures and trying to identify this snake. And we talked. About snakes. In bed.

    It was a great bonding experience. Thank you Jenny.
    P.s. Please kill more snakes.

  518. Can’t wait to see what he looks like taxidermied (spell check has this highlighted-but I am sure it is a real word) in pieces.

  519. Brava! Perhaps you have absorbed some of the scrappy spirit of that snake and it will help speed your recovery!
    We get Texas water snakes (not water moccasins) that are nasty tempered. They, too, are supposed to be great for rodent control. I chuckle at their little strikes, but then get the heeby-jeebies knowing that there are probably two dozen brothers and sisters around the house. Can’t we just have friendly non venomous snakes? I mean, when you DO have to watch for copperheads, rattlesnakes, and water moccasins, can’t the “harmless” ones at least act harmless?

  520. the best way to I.D a poisonus snake is to look at the head. this one’s head was round, no heat sensing pits, and no slit pupils. it was probably not poisonus.

  521. don’t know what kind exactly, but definitely not poisonous… even my pet snake rattles her tail and gets pissy and tries to strike at me when she’s in a mood… and she’s a cornsnake… they all do it when scared.

  522. wow. snake killer. something to add to the resume… or notch to the bedpost if that is how you roll… remind not, uh.. never to fuck with you. Tell me did the snake happen to violate any Apple patents?

  523. welcome home miss Jenny. It was wonderful to meet you at Powell’s in Beaverton, OR. After all, a town devoted entirely to Beavers had to be a great place to visit. I laughed, I cried, I was in awe of you, and afterwards I texted the 5 people I know to tell them I met a famous person! (you told me I needed to get out more…). I have been putting off reading your book because I still have to work, but as soon as my finals are graded, I’m all over that! (which I hope will be tomorrow!) And if my house doesn’t get cleaned before my parents arrive I’ll just blame you. And yes, that snake is most certainly the deadliest in the world, or the reincarnation of Hitler – one of the two. Please change your name to Valkyrie.

  524. Ah poor snakey pooh. Well you can always give it to your dad and have a hand puppet made out of it.

  525. i saw this and knew it would make you feel better somehow.

    http://bitsandpieces.us/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/imagesthats-the-spot.jpg

    also…just in case you feel the need to ‘live the dream’

    http://urlybits.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Inflatable-Unicorn-Horn.jpg

    hope you are resting well and laughing as much as possible. i mean…laughing at things that deserve being laughed at. not just sitting there alone laughing hysterically at nothing…because that might be bad. or good. depending on your mood. anyway. wear the horn and scratch the gator and smile. xxxx

  526. We need a picture of the top of the head. If it is heart shaped, then it is poisonous.

  528. Unrepentant animal lover here. I know I’m in the minority, but it’s too bad that you felt you had to kill the snake. Couldn’t you have just chased it away? Everybody wins?

    Sigh. Sorry, snake. Go to God.

    I’m very glad you are starting to feel better though.

  529. Ok I know we all love freedom of speech and all that. That being said, I’m not happy that some commenters said “o poor snake”. Ms blogess asked, very nicely, not to be made to feel guilty. I’m sure she would not have hacked a harmless snake up unless she felt horribly threatened. Us Texans DO have several venomous snakes around, and therefore we run into them on occasion. Been there, done that. It is NOT fun. I’m a nature lover , certified tree hugger myself. I’ve even caught live mice that my blue-eyed psycho kitty has so kindly brought in my house (and then LET GO!!) and released them. And I’m no fan of mice…..but let’s ….be nice, ok? plus it’s the end of August & TX summers are enough to seriously impede anyone’s judgment……..and checking out eye shape and remembering rhymes…well. I don’t fucking think so

  530. This is why I’m against shovel control laws.

    Jenny–Please urge your readers to join the NSA (National Shovel Association).
    They work to protect all citizens’ rights to own and responsibly use shovels.

  531. Pretty sure that’s a dreaded rattle mouthed copper adder I hear that not only are they poisonous but after they bite you for the the 24hrs. before you die your head is filled with that Rebecca Black Friday song, so kudos! Oh, and just so you know I’m all live and let live when it comes to animals in the wild that are like minding their own business doing animalish things. But any animal hanging out on my front door trying to bite my friends would be asking for it. Whether that be a mosquito or a unicorn pooping cookies and glitter, if it bites it’s toast.

  532. Awwww poor snake, but still she had it coming, you just can’t bully a shovel’s owner.

  534. As I’ve enjoyed your writing, I’m a little saddened that it turns out you have a streak of idiocy. Next time, leave it the fuck alone. And your fawning followers’ comments (mostly cheering this needless cruelty) depress me.

  535. I don’t know shit about snakes (thank God) but it looks like the other commenters ^^ have that covered.

    Glad to have you back, Jenny. Take your time, though. Don’t write or tour or anything else because you feel like you owe it to anybody, or because you think that if you lose momentum that everything will fall apart. It won’t. You’re awesome. Just be awesome on your own terms, so you can stay healthy. 🙂

  536. Did you really kill that snake? I’m a little surprised that you’d kill an innocent animal who is mostly minding his own business. Couldn’t you just shoo it off the front door area?? Do you really need to kill something just because it scared you? So pathetic and sad.

  537. Looks like a Western Coachwhip to me. It has a loreal scale, so it’s not a brown snake. It also doesn’t have the blotches to be a young black racer (They look quite a bit like Eastern Milk Snakes – I was a bit thankful my professor didn’t have a specimen. I did not feel like trying to determine whether something was a young black racer or a young milk snake which had not yet sufficiently consulted the guide book to develop the y on the back of his head.)
    Coachwhips can be pretty moody. My mother also recently had one by her door doing the whole hissing thing. She would’ve killed it had she the tools. I know you live in an area with venomous snakes, so it is best not to mess with these things unless you can identify them. I am still trying to convince my mother that snakes are not best dead even if non-venomous.
    If you can, just let them have their little hissy fit by themselves for a minute. They should sulk off to do snake-y things soon enough. Maybe throw a rock at him if he’s stubborn and you really want (from somewhere safe). It works for people with the black bears in my town, and they don’t even bother to throw from somewhere safe.
    I still love you. You’re fabulous. I just would like people to have a bit more love for the snakes. Even the venomous ones are not so bad. The Massasauga in particular has missed out on being on multiple tv shows because no one could get them to even rattle when the camera crews came despite their best efforts to poke and prod.
    Maybe that particular snake was Hitler. You never know. There are possible Hitlers around every corner. Maybe he worked his way up from slug to snake and is now working on being a cane toad.

  538. I once killed a copperhead with a 9-iron. Shovel far superior choice, you don’t have to get as close.

  539. Ps my husband just threw our ipad across the room because he wasn’t expecting the close up headshot.

  540. PPS I for one think you are well within your rights to kill anything that tries to bite your houseguests, including other houseguests.

  541. “Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?” –Indiana Jones

    I vote for doing taxidermy and sending it to ParaNorman’s PR company.
    Unless the pieces are long enough to make a few hatbands to auction.

  542. Boo! Hiss! Please, make friends with a herpetologist so that the next snake can be relocated. (And I don’t mean relocating it to snake heaven!) There is no need to kill any snake. They are the misunderstood underdogs here… I thought that you were a champion for underdogs! I’d be hissing, too, if confronted by two hysterical women. Why couldn’t you walk away and let it leave? The snake had to die because of bad timing? Really? And then you are proud of yourself? You need to educate yourself, as do many of your “admirers”. I don’t understand this irrational fear of snakes. What is responsible for your phobia; the media, religion, your upbringing? Snakes are cool creatures. You, however, were not cool that day. If I lived nearby, I would have gladly come to your house to protect you from the snake; oops, I mean… to protect the snake from YOU! Hissssss!

  543. Well – if it didn’t offer you an apple first, before biting you, then we can rule out Satan. Good thing, though, I really don’t want to have to wear fig leaves – they are itchy.

  544. i HATE snakes- and living in west texas i feel like they are everywhere!!! we live in the country and i am always looking around- i cross our land (driveway/acre to my husbands shop)with a shovel and can of raid because i f’n hate spiders too (and black widows are awful this year- according to the odessa american… and the fact that i’ve killed like 50 of them by our shed). you’re such a badass!

  545. I’m with Brenda who beleives this to be Sneaky Snake and out to steal your rootbeer, and I believe that Sneaky Snake was a Texas Brown Snake, who is known to have been Hitler in his previous life. Good Job! Not only did you do a fine job protecting your root beer you killed Hitler.

  547. It’s a Texas Brown snake. It’s non-poisonous but likes to bluff people into thinking it’s one of the cool kids. And also that it’s poisonous. If you had left it alone, it would have gone back on slug-&-roach patrol.

    The “round pupils = non-poisonous, slit or elliptical pupils = poisonous” isn’t always true. Members of the cobra and mamba family – notoriously kill-you-fast-n-painful poisonous snakes – have round pupils. Members of the boa and python family – NOT poisonous although really big ones can hug you till you stop breathing – have elliptical pupils. The same holds true for head shape. There are exceptions to the “angular head = poisonous” rule, too. Bottom line is to treat all snakes as poisonous unless you can positively identify the snake. But please try not to kill any snake. They eat a LOT of nasties.

  548. 100% certain: it is an Eastern Yellow Bellied Racer that is in the transition from juvenile to adult. Somewhere between 12 and 14 months old based on the coloration and time of year, so basically a technically harmless but nonetheless pissy teen-aged snake, full of angry hormones ready to prove to the world what a bad-ass he is.

    Not Hitler, but you did the right thing. He’d just have ended up in jail anyway after mugging someone’s grandmother and stealing her Cadillac.

  550. I LOVE that you stopped to take a picture before getting the shovel. You gotta document this shit.

  551. Bastard had it coming. However, he did provide you with an adaquate amount of adrenaline and energy to get you off the couch, so I applaud the effort. Because he can’t do it himself. Because he’s a snake. Because snakes have no hands. Because God was all like: You know what would be funny? An eel out of the water. I crack myself up. Bazinga.

    -The End

  552. Initially, I wasn’t going to say anything because I hate getting all self-righteousy or making people feel bad and I told myself I would rather say nothing than make you feel guilty.. but I do wish I was seeing a little more love for our snake friends from the comments here. They do so much for us and are generally unappreciated. That said, whether your readers agree or not, it’s clear from reading these comments that we all love you no matter what!! Keep on bringin’ it, we’re always behind you!

  553. Aren’t weasels and snakes natural enemies”? I’d take some of the other commenters’ suggestions and taxidermy him, and then set up some kind of Rikki Tikki Tavi tableau with Jaunita. It could be the beginning of a wonderful series of literary-themed cards.

  554. The real question is how you’re going to stuff it now that it’s in so many pieces…

  556. This reminds me of the story me and my cousin, both pregnant (and female) and scared shitless by what I used wikipedia to identify as a rare Australian Brown Grass Snake that was resting peacfully across a stone pig on her front porch. Well, it rested in pieces motherfucker because that bastard DIED. Like a LOT! The Aussies can export their gorgeous men all they want but keep those bastard snakes!

    BTW, something is venomous if it bites you and makes you sick. Its poisonous if you bite it and it makes you sick. just, you know, FYI my dear fellow readers.

  557. My co-worker is a herpetologist, she said this: “I’m pretty sure this is a coachwhip, totally harmless (to humans) but fairly aggressive.”

    So there you go.

  562. It totally had it coming. Then again, perhaps it was stopping by for a wine slushie but was thwarted from ringing the doorbell by its lack of thumbs.

  563. Went through a period of snakes being found in basement. First just skins (holy crap – where are they? Are they moving in? ), then stuck to a mouse trap (my husband and in laws generally suggested this was good because this meant they were eating the mice so we wouldn’t have mice anymore? Um, why the hell are these my only 2 options?!?! Are you kidding me?). I wasn’t convinced it was really stuck (they are slimy and therefore shouldn’t stick to things. Thank God it did.) Then my husband ‘caught’ one hiding in a pile of insulation (after I insisted all current insulation be ripped down, any small holes fixed and the damn snakes be stopped).

    My point – I swear I had one! – they were all black/rat/garter snakes. Harmless and good for taking care of vermin. And I do not give a crap! They needed to die! As did the damn mice. They are ALL the reincarnation of Hitler.

    I agree with those who said that it had it coming (did I mention that one of snakes appeared to have had babies in my basement! Babies! The highest number of live births on record is something like 90. Are you flipping kidding me?!). And I’m glad to see your great energy reserves! Good luck!

    PS – you are my hero. When I found the snakes I slammed the door, ran away crying and shoved a towel under the door – so I’d know if they were coming. My husband couldn’t come home so I made a coworker come take care of it.

  565. I am amused at those identifying the snake as non-venomous by the iris. “Excuse me, Mr. Striking Snake, can you please remain still for a moment so I can stare deeply into your eyes? ‘Kay, thanks!”

    And, yes, Hitler must be taxidermied. I see his little moustache now.

  566. Last year a snake showed up under our porch here in San Marcos. Our cat was freaked out–that’s how we found out. Very long story short . . . texted a pic to my sister who knows snakes (don’t ask). She called back and said it was a boa constrictor–so someone’s escaped pet. I called animal control but by that time my sister had found Hank’s distraught owner’s “lost pet” post on Craigslist (posted over a month earlier). Hank had escaped from her van while she was in class at TX State. The very nice animal control guy had us put Hank in a pillow case and tie the top. He stayed on our coffee table for about two hours (Hank, not the animal control guy) until his owner could make it through Friday rush hour traffic from Austin. The reunion was so touching. She said she and Hank had taken a road trip cross country the summer before. She said he’d lost a lot of weight in a month. She was SOOO happy that Hank had found our house (a mile from where he escaped). I have pictures of the whole thing. This is NOT to make you feel guilty. Hank was very, very cute. Your snake looks evil and vicious. Plus 100% of the people we’ve told the story to have said, “Hank would have been in about 10 pieces if he’d ended up under my porch.” There are two morals to this story: Not every snake is evil (but yours was!), and don’t ever break into a vehicle parked in a TX State student lot.

  567. I think if I had one of these on my front porch, I would just use the back door from that point in time, and forget I had a front door. And pray that the snake never makes it to the back door, or else I’ll have to start using a window instead.

  568. This post sums up, quite handily, why I live in Western Washington and not say, Arizona, Florida, or Texas. On a business trip to Austin ( a city I love dearly) I encountered a snake in the GROCERY STORE parking lot. It was at least 20 feet away and about the width of my thumb, but it could have KILLED me. Then, so could the few non-poisonous garter snakes I’ve come across in my neck of the woods.

    In other words, I don’t know how you do it. Not only do you live amongst these creatures, you savagely and baddass-ly kill them with shovels. Well done.

  569. Wait… why do you keep your shovel inside the house? Is that an exhaustion technique? Did you have it at the couch to flip light switches and such? Or for ‘exhausted on the couch last ditch zombie dispatchery’?

    Obviously, this snake was not smiling until it was thwarted. It wanted to die. it came to you for a mercy killing and you complied. Legend of your exploits shall be passed amongst the many non-legged ones, and a statue of your likeness (as seen from ground level) will be built underground for them to worship.

  570. I’ve been feeling tired and depressed, however I figure since I didn’t have to chop a snake up today, I have it pretty easy. I like the shovel in house idea – makes de-cluttering sound feasible. Yes, you are both a saint and a heroine.

  571. He had is coming….”That’s what you get for being sneaky…and slithery and trying to steal folks root bear”

  572. I’m no herpatologist (which sounds like an expert on herpes), but I got an A in advanced biology back in 1997. I remember filing it away for future usage that venomous snakes have A. cat-eye shaped pupils B. heat-sensing pits (often) and C. a triangular or wedge-shaped head. Thusly, round-pupil snakes who have heads in line with their snake-y bodies are non-venomous, but definitely reincarnated evil people from the 40s. So basically, you advanced Hitler’s reincarnation process.

  573. Yes, he does not look venomous so his bite likely would have just been super vicious, which then would have become infected (probably with evil) and then you die. So even without venom that snake was trying to assassinate you. Unfortunately for the snake he failed to realize you have super secret ninja skills.

  574. Like spiders, snakes freak me out. I just probably just stay away from any animals that start with the letter “S”.

  575. The really important question here is: What would it take to taxidermy this litle bastard and dress him up in an apron for photographs

  576. That snake probably was on a suicide mission, and you looked like you meant business. So he chose you to help end his life. So in reality, you did him and yourself a favor. You wanted him to die, and he wanted to die. You’re a hero.

  577. Um, wait. So, you’re saying mother nature invented a way to tell a poisonous snake from a non poisonous one by LOOKING AT IT’S PUPIL? Are you f-ing kidding me? Mother nature, I need a method that I can read from the top of a tall piece of furnture while in a panic. Like spell it out in scales down their backs “I’m friendly, come get a hug!” I am NEVER getting close enough to examine the pupil of a live snake. Mother Nature, you’re officially a bitch.

  578. I just called my husband at work and asked him to get a new shovel. As I was explaining to him that it needed to be a clean shovel, so I couldn’t use the one we already have, because I need to keep it in the house, he didn’t even let me get to the snake killing part when he said” Have you been reading that Blogess again? Poor Victor”

  579. Okay. Look at the shape of his head, top down. Triangular = viper = poison.

  580. Late to comment, but it looks like a young yellow belly racer – a good snake that could rid your yard of many bad things. They are the fastest snake in the U.S.A. You must be mighty fast to have killed it! Wow. Here you were not feeling well, and you whopped a snake that can go 4 mph! You go!

  583. Well, it looks like you’ve killed a perfectly nice snake… one that would do you some favors, had you spared it’s life. Now you may be plagued with rodents! Ha ha… I just edited that last sentence which Ioriginally typed as ‘Now may you be plagued…’ No, I’m seriously NOT cursing you!

  584. It looks like a corn snake. Really common in the south. Non-venomous and mostly just eats bugs and rodents as it gets bigger. That said, I’d have screamed like a little bitch had I opened the door to that. Good job!

  585. Ewwwwww, you totally did the right thing. Reminds me of the very large spider I killed in my bathroom. Like the song Cell Block Tango in Chicago “He had it coming!”

  586. ha ha. I’ve done the same thing. We found a snake INSIDE the house. Husband cut it with a kitchen knife. Needless to say, I didn’t care if it was poisonous or not. and needless to say, I got a whole new set of kitchen knifes.

  587. Let me state, for the record, that everything changes if the critter is found INSIDE the house. Snake, spiders, mouse, bird….. All marked for death. If not by me, then by the cats. Outside, I can shoo it away and we can peacefully co-exist. Inside, it’s invading and must die.

  588. If you are a snake, you have no business flickering at people menacingly unless you can and will bite and poison them. If you are non-venomous and you insist on acting all bitey, you are either an asshole or you got drunk and spent a night in a burrow licking one of those hallucinogenic toads. Those eyes looked pretty dilated. Poor guy.

  589. After spending the evening leading a group of children on a noctural hike in the Tucson basin, in search of snakes, (3 scores, 2 were rattlesnakes), I read this article. Admittedly, my comments shall be months behind, attesting to the fact that my couch is a neglected peice of furniture that attends the coffee table which supports the animal identification guides and various other books. Thanks you for supporting a long held belief to the suppiority of the Arizonan who gazes at the serpant in wonder, to the Texan who kills it. You killed a Racer, you are the hero of the rodents. Rodents are also wonderful; and there can never be enough heros.

  590. No No No more pictures of snakes. No No No!!!
    Links to pictures of snakes would be fine…
    Snakes scare me – like really, in a silly – i need to take medicine and go lie down – way.
    Promise me, please?
    i’m getting old and my bladder and heart just can’t take that kind of shock as i scroll down the blog!
    My life-long fear is being eaten by a snake – and that one you showed could surely do it (my nightmare tonight for sure).
    Help me Obi Wan … you’re my only hope.

  592. I love you Bloggess lady and have bought your book for most of my relatives but I must tell you that the dead snake just makes me sad. It was just going about its day just like everything else. Sorry all you snake haters but it wasn’t hurting anything.

  593. I effin hate it when a snake calls u an asshole… he’s the asshole for even being on the porch uninvited… now unless he rung the doorbell then he was probably just needed a cup of sugar… in which you kind of killed the awesome cake he was going to make and he might shared it with you.. oh well. BUT on the other hand, wtg on the quick thinkin’ of getting your shovel. (why do you have one inside?, what do I know, I live in TX we only use shovels to dig graves) You totally owned that snake ninja warrior killa badge!

  594. Snake surprises suck! I was swimming at a friend’s house on labor day and my friend says, “there is a snake crawling up your arm.” Then she flies out of the pool – note that she did not assist in any way other than to alert me to a TERRIFYING fact. I dove under water and launched onto side of pool in, I am certain, record breaking time, whilst slapping at body as if fire ants were eating me alive. My other friend, tsk tsks me as she picks up sthe snake and slings into grass, “its just a baby.” Oh well, no biggie then since it was just a baby snake that CRAWLED UP MY ARM.

  597. The second photo is really good! I thought it was fake for a second. You should get it stuffed with a top hat and monocle. He’d be so fancy.

  599. It’s a whipsnake. Non-venomous, has no intentions of harming anyone. It’s really a damn shame you killed it, they make for wonderful pest control.

  600. you’re a moron. it was a harmless snake that was scared and acting defensive. it was probably terrified of you because you’re a stupid bitch.

  601. Oh good, now your house will have more rats and mice than before, and perhaps even venomous snakes. Innocent harmless snakes like this are pest control. Congratulations for, you know, killing a harmless innocent animal just because you have an ignorant fear. Fuck you, and your foolish hatred of poor defenseless animals.

  602. You shouldn’t have killed the snake. You shouldn’t have posted about killing a snake like it’s something you deserve a big pat on the back for. And the people congratulating you for killing a harmless animal are horrible people.

  604. god…this makes me so sad. not just the post..but all of these comments full of such hate for the animals that i love most. it’s just…so sad.

  605. So just out of curiosity did you take the blurry snake picture before or after you ran and got the shovel? I’m just thinking that if I was your friend and I was yelling “kill it-kill it-kill it!” and you said “just wait I need to take a photo first”well-let’s just say I would have liked to see her face.

  606. Delurking after a long absence to say this was a coachwhip. They are irascible, truculent, and very fast. They are totally harmless. They give a good threat display, but are not aggressive.

    I really don’t understand what you’re proud of, or what other people are proud of you for.

    I keep snakes as pets. But people hate snakes, and will gladly kill them at every opportunity. And they brag about it, as if they have done something brave. It is not brave. I’ve had people tell me they were happy when one of my pets died, because it was one less snake in the world. I’ve had to deal with people trying to tell me their “this time I killed a snake” story when trying to talk about how much I *like* the little guys. I’ve had to listen to a woman ask the vet if snakes were animals or vegetables, and if they felt pain. I’ve had to watch rattlesnake roundups happen in my state. I’ve watched people swerve onto the shoulder to run over snakes basking in residual warmth from the sun. Snakes that often don’t die very quickly. Helping them along to end their suffering . . . that isn’t any fun. It’s heartbreaking.

    I get being afraid of snakes, I guess. I mean, maybe most people can’t help it, I don’t know. There’s some sort of knee-jerk trigger thing there that humans seem to have a hard time dealing with, and nobody seems eager to un-learn it. I definitely get being afraid of venomous snakes. But it’s not a lot of effort to learn to identify them, as the vast majority of snakes are completely harmless. I hope you will educate yourself on local wildlife and next time not kill an animal that presents no threat to you or your family, and furthermore provides a net benefit in that they reduce animals like mice and rats that do pose a distinct health risk to your family through disease and food contamination. I can tell you from experience, the snakes you find around human homes? Blacksnakes, rat snakes, corn snakes, bull and gopher snakes? They eat A LOT of vermin. Coachwhips like lizards and birds but also rodents.

    I also hope that next time, even if you feel like you must defend your territory, you will not brag about it. It’s . . . tasteless. And unfortunately, I think less of you, and your commenters, because of it. You may not like snakes, but they are animals, like any other. They feel pain, they feel fear, and they are, compared to us, incredibly fragile and helpless. (Venomous ones possibly excepted — they can bite a person and fuck them up, but they will probably die anyway when the person kills them.) Killing, inflicting pain, these are not things to be proud of. Please think about it. It’s unfortunate that there are people being really nasty to you in comments, but do consider that for someone like me, who loves all animals and believes that humans can and should live in peace with snakes due to their pest-control benefits in urban areas, your readers’ comments are offensive, disturbing, and hurtful.

    I respect you, I have found your writing about depression incredibly moving and helpful and I have no doubt it is helpful to others going through the same thing. I think you are incredibly funny, incredibly smart, and often, incredibly wise. You are without a doubt incredibly loving. I know you love animals, that’s not in doubt. You are snarky and silly and . . . very real. I think what you write is more than valuable, it is necessary. But I feel bad about this, because . . . well . . . you did what you thought was necessary, so . . . okay, fine . . . but the level of uncalled-for nastiness in the comments betrays a truly depressing ignorance and *lack of caring* about the other creatures we share this world with, and a truly saddening level of disregard for a small, hungry, not-particularly-intelligent, and, at the very end, very scared animal. It’s unfortunate to have to kill. When it’s a tiny animal, it’s not particularly brave. They only want to get away and eat more baby rats.

    I don’t think you’re evil, and I don’t necessarily classify your actions as bad, only knee-jerk and fueled by ignorance. But the response to it is distressing in the extreme. Please don’t encourage this kind of behavior. Encourage people to educate themselves about their local fauna. It’s a much better way to protect your family than killing anything that comes into your personal space and looks vaguely threatening. At the very least, teaching kids respect for all animals is necessary as part of teaching children respect for all life.

  607. Lucia, your comment was so well-spoken and sweet that I had to answer it. If you’ve read my book you know that I have a great respect for snakes and had many as pets growing up. I’ve had pythons, and I’ve personally caught and tamed rat snakes, hog noses and milk snakes (and gave them to friends as pets) when I was much younger. Victor’s favorite pet in the world was a snake who died of an untreatable infection when we were in college and he still cries when he talks about her. I’ve personally run after people trying to kill non-venomous snakes to tell them to stop. Snakes can be beautiful creatures, but many, many snakes where I live can be deadly and they’ve killed the pets of half of neighbors because we’re in a drought and the snakes are stressed and are coming out of hiding looking for water in very suburban places. If I could have recognized it on my own I wouldn’t have hurt it and my intention on writing about it was to find out what it really was so I’d know next time. At the time, all I could think about was that this was the exact same place my 7 year old daughter would be standing in a half hour and that if I let it go it might be a venomous snake that would accost her next. In all my years of catching wild snakes I’ve never seen one as aggressive as this one (that wasn’t a rattler) and I’m taking no chances when it comes to protecting my friends and family. I’ll shoo spiders out of the house and catch garter snakes with my bare hands, but scorpions, red-headed centipedes and aggressive, striking snakes at my front door that I can’t identify are fair game. Luckily, we’ll know this one for next time and maybe others will too. Thank you for being so sweet in your comment.

  608. I don’t understand why you would kill an obviously non-venomous snake. It seems cruel and out of character for you.

  610. I live in Australia. We have many venomous and non – venomous. Thankfully we are striving to protect snakes before we drive them to extinction. In Australia, were you Australian, and your blog read by someone working for the Department of Environment and Heritage or reported to them, you would be in the process of paying a very very large fine. Here it is illegal to kill a snake. They are a protected species, and so they should be. There is no reason to kill them. I have grown up around some of the worlds most venomous snakes, yet I have never killed one and wouldn’t. You killed a snake due to ignorance and ignorance is not a sound basis for killing anything. There have been numerous studies and it has been determined that the fear of snakes is learnt not innate. Basically people need to stop teaching children irrational fear and teach respect for snakes and appropriate ways to stay safe around them. I have 5 snakes and several spiders and a giant centipede. Some are venomous. All are placid and interesting pets that i handle with respect.

  611. As someone who grew up in the Southeastern part of the US, where we have all 4 of the venomous snakes that exist in the US, I have seen many, many harmless snakes and only a few deadly ones. If in doubt and it is being aggressive, I’m assuming it is deadly and protecting my friend and family. I’m glad you had the energy to be sure that whatever this was didn’t come after your sweet daughter when she came home from school.

  612. I happen to be a herpetologist, and from what I can see it is definitely not a viper. Generally you can tell from the shape of the head. That snake has a thin, long head because there are no venom glands. Vipers have thick, triangular heads because they have the big venom glads. Please don’t take any offense, but it really breaks my heart when people kill snakes. They’re my life, you know 🙂 Anyway, if you just let them be and go back inside for a few minutes, any snake would be so scared of you that it would want to skidaddle before the big scary predator (You) came back. No need to chop it to bits 😛

  613. I am a herpetologist, and I am seriously disappointed about this. The snake, especially one this small did NOT, and i repeat NOT need to die. Snakes are animals just like puppies and kittens. Although they are way different, they deserve to be respected as a wild animal. I can tell you killed this harmless little snake out of pure ignorance. This snake was not venomous, and obviously was trying to get away. The only reason it would bite is if it was trying to defend itself. How would you feel if a huge monster 30+ times your size was towering over you? I’ll be damned if I wouldn’t fight back! Snakes are important part of our economy believe it or not. They are the #1 eaters of mice, mice are the #1 eater of crops, and a lot of our country’s export are grain products. Again, just because there different doesn’t mean they don’t deserve respect. They are interesting. Go to the library some time, or even online, and find a book or page about snakes. If you read enough, I bet you will find these animals interesting. And if all this doesn’t convince you, i don’t expect you to like them, just respect them and let them live, just like all the other wild animals. 🙂

  614. I would also say this snake is a Midland Brown Snake, or a Texas Brown Snake.

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