Today and forever


Talking about suicide makes me think suicidal thoughts, which is probably one of the stupidest triggers in the history of the world.

Nonetheless, it’s important that we do speak up and that we’re aware of the dangers inherent in the world we live in.  And it’s not just about those of us with mental illness.  About one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year.  That means if you think about your 10 favorite people in the whole world two of them could be at risk of suicide.  That’s why it’s so important to recognize the warning signs and to know how to get help for yourself or others.  If you or someone you know is thinking of suicide call 800-273-TALK, or click here for resources.

But for today let’s talk about the positives.  Let’s talk about why we’re still here.  Let’s talk about the words that help us get through.  Let’s talk about the pictures and places and songs that saved us, because maybe they can save others.

I’m here because my daughter saves me every day.

The words that help me make it through are “Depression lies.”

And one of the many songs that has helped to save me is below:

Your turn.

662 thoughts on “Today and forever

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m still here because I know the pain I feel day-to-day, real or imagined, couldn’t be fixed by one action. It’s helped by a constellation of actions, thoughts and places in my life that help me cope with how ridiculous and frivolous life can get.

    I’m still here because of love.

  2. Thank you.
    I say that to you and to everyone and everyone who isn’t afraid to speak up about depression. That includes myself, as I know when I keep things inside, it festers, I feel more alone, the thoughts gain momentum and speed. If something is familiar, however painful, it can have tremendous appeal. Knowing that others can feel the same way and come out on top is so key.
    So…thank you.

  3. Thank you for posting this. I am currently struggling with a 9 year old son who is mired in depression and thinks that the world would be better off without him. It’s crushing. Finding help for a child suffering from mental illness is turning out to be almost impossible and I am fighting like hell to get him help. He comes by it honestly, since I am clinically depressed as well.

    It. gets. better.

    Depression does lie.

  4. Jenny, thank you so much. I needed to read this. This weekend my depression has hit really hard & I have been asking myself what is the point of it all? Would it just be easier if I wasn’t here? I don’t know….I tried to end my life before and couldn’t even do that properly. I just seem to suck at everything I try. I want to get a hold of the depression once and for all, but I am really struggling.

  5. Thank you for the post! I also suffer from severe depression and anxiety, and I especially like your “Depression lies” quote. Hope you feel better soon!!!!!!! Your blog always makes me laugh. 🙂

  6. Depression lies is a good one! Also, people love you! No matter who you are or what you have done, someone somewhere loves you and would be devastated to lose you. Even if it’s just me who doesn’t even know you but can’t wait to see how your life turns out. <3


  7. My children save my life every day. I’m alive for them. I want to hug them on their graduation day. I want to see their babies. I want to be something someday even though when my world is crumbling its hard to envision those things I make it. Thank you.

  8. Every day I try to remember to be grateful to be alive, and even more grateful if its one of the days I WANT to be alive. Three of my reminders for when things get tricky:

    The book “Broken Open” by Elizabeth Lesser, its written in an anecdotal format so you can quickly reread a section that makes you feel okay.

    A line from a poem by Rumi “There is a secret medicine given to those who hurt so hard they can’t hope. The hopers would feel slighted if they knew.”

    The song “Pig” by Dave Matthews Band.

  9. I went through a time where I had suicidal thoughts every day, all day long. My day would go something like this: “Should I get out of bed, or kill myself?” Then I’d get up and think “Should I eat breakfast, or kill myself?” It was a process of deciding, all day long, just to put off killing myself for the next little bit.

    But here’s what I realized, after I came out of it – suicidal thoughts are an addictive process, just like drinking or doing drugs or compulsive eating. The thoughts gave me a way to avoid feeling the Big Pain, because I knew I was going to die soon. So all I had to do was make it through the next 15 minutes, not make it through life. Just like an alcoholic just has to make it to their next drink so they don’t have to feel their feelings.

    Thanks for recogizing this day and pointing people to resources they may need. I have lost several family members and a close friend, and it really, really sucks.

  10. I am in one of the deepest and darkest pits I’ve ever been in. I have a 3 year old. I am his only parent. I have no family other than him. Some nights when I contemplate some very bad things, I have to keep reminding myself that he needs me. But still, some nights when I feel like so much of a failure, it is easy to think about someone else taking him from me. Surely they’d be better at raising him. But I can’t do that to him, he’s my little ray of non-sleeping sunshine. Now if only I could crawl my way out of this pit long enough to get the help I need. It is hard to go see a doctor when you have massive panic attacks sitting in the car when you get there. Drive-thru shrinks!!! Why hasn’t anyone invented that! It should be a thing.

  11. “You know what gives me the courage to keep on living? The courage to love myself a little? It’s having a whole bunch of friends who really give a goddamn. When you share pain, there’s less of it, and when you share joy, there’s more of it. That’s a basic fact of the universe.”

    — “Jake Stonebender” in “Fivesight” by Spider Robinson.
    And me, often.

  12. I’m here because I learned to choose my own scars.

    The words that help me make it through are usually negative; i interpret them as a challenge and can’t help but take it.

    And basically Ingrid Michaelson and Mumford and Sons’ entire repertoires help save me.

    All we can do is keep breathing.

  13. A permanent solution to a temporary problem. I think of that phrase often. And of my aunt who found herself needing that solution, and I wonder if she might have changed her mind knowing that we all still wanted her here with us.

  14. I’m here because I choose to be. Each day I wake up, and am thankful for those who love me, who stand by me and who support me. I want to be here for them. I need to be here for them. And I need it, because they need me.

  15. For me as well, it’s my daughter. I made her that promise. It’s sometimes hard to keep, but you don’t break that promise to your child. And I look for the little things throughout the day that make me smile, notice and remember them. There is always something. I write. And I remember your words, that depression lies.

  16. Words that get me through:

    “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” – CS Lewis

  17. My 13 y/o cat saved me through high school and early adulthood as I was concerned that my parents wouldn’t know how to care for her, and I never trusted any of my boyfriends to care for her appropriately.

    Now my husband and 1 1/2 y/o dog have joined that team, and now that I’m on meds again, I’ve been feeling stable enough to start trying for a baby or two.

  18. My favourite band ever. Watching this video, listening to the CD/MP3 and even singing it to myself has saved my sanity and possibly my life more than once.

  19. I am here because even in my darkest moments my daughter is still there happy and loving me. I am here because I have no right to do that to my family and friends. I am here because I was finally able to pick myself up just enough to start going to counseling this week. I am here because I am worth it!!!

  20. Depression lies.

    Thank you for shouting this from the rooftop and giving so many of us the courage to add our voices. The world is a better place because you are in it.

  21. I’m here because I couldn’t imagine my daughter growing up wondering why her mother didn’t love her enough to stay with her and because some wonderful people helped me along the way.

    My mother was fond of saying “As bad as you feel right now, something may come along tomorrow to make you feel just as good. You just never know; you have to wait and see.” I kept a magnet in my purse for a very long time with the quote ” Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ ” and I would say to myself over and over and over “I will try again tomorrow.”

  22. It often comes down to “what would happen to the cats?” And then I come read your blog and find Tim Minchin or Amanda Palmer or Dr. Pants have joined you and wonder what you’ll post about next…. whatever gets you through the day, right?

  23. My son also makes me get up in the morning on days I have no other reason to. I exsist because of my love for him. The words I use for myself to keep me here are “I love you”, because I do love so many people. So, so many. And I know they feel the same. It’s a good life. It’s difficult and depression makes it even harder, but to laugh and feel love, well, for me, sometimes that’s enough. And I love you.

  24. When I was 24, my childhood friend’s mother killed herself. The friend was my age. It devastated her. It devastated me. No matter how hard things get, I can never do that to my child, to my family, or to my friends. There are no words to describe how harmful the act of suicide can be to those around you. No matter how hard it gets, I cannot and will not do that to the people I love.

  25. I’m still here because I know I’m loved by someone, even if it’s not myself.

  26. Because I remember the beautiful wonderful peaceful days that seem to come randomly out of the blue. And I want to experience more of those so I wait things out.

  27. I’m here because I won’t hurt the ones I love, who love me, the way I have been hurt. (plus meds and therapy.) Because I know that this is just my fucked up brain telling me fucked up things. Because even when I know that, my boyfriend will come spend time with me to make sure I don’t listen to it anyway. This song helps me remember I’m not alone:

  28. Recently, my dear friend of 30 years was suffering through a severe bout of depression. I thought of you and I told her that depression is a lying bastard. First, we laughed (because it’s sort of fun to call depression a lying bastard), and then we talked about how her depression really was a lying bastard and that she is a truly wonderful person even though her depression was trying to convince her that she was a failure just waiting to happen. We stayed up most of the talking, crying and laughing. And then, it was a little better. Thank you, Jenny. Thank you for giving me the right words to start the conversation. You helped more than you know.

  29. I am still here because of a few reasons. Your words : Depression lies, 5 years of being a 911 dispatcher showing me that no matter how bad it seems for me there is always someone who has it worse, seeing the effects of a suicide first hand to those who are left behind, and because of a certain friend I know I can talk to when I am having my darkest times and thoughts and she wont judge and will understand me.

  30. Depression does lie.

    What has always gotten me through is that I never know what new turn tomorrow may bring. And it has brought many amazing ones. I have a wonderful home, a loving partner, family who doesn’t get me but loves me anyways, and a job. Maybe not a job I always like, but in this economy, I can’t bitch too much.

    I have it better than hundreds of thousands of people. And tomorrow brings a new twist in my picture, sometimes good, sometimes bad… but I can’t see it, live it, do it unless I’m here.

    Sometimes that’s the only thing getting me through, that I need to see what tomorrow brings.

  31. I’m here because my daughter is the one person who can always, without fail, make me feel like I am still valuable. Even if it’s three am if I can go in her room and give her a hug while she sleeps, I know that I have someone wonderful in my life.
    I’m here because I want to finish my novel, and share my imaginary people and imaginary worlds with the world and give someone somewhere the entertainment of my words.

    Mostly, I’m still here, because if I give in, and really try to check out, the depression wins. That lying bastard has stolen too many hours of my life, and ruined far too many of my days for me to EVER give it the satisfaction.
    I’m here, because I’m stubborn.

    When I get down, I look at pictures of cats, read something funny, or at the very least remind myself tomorrow things will probably feel better.
    “Depression lies.”
    “You are NOT alone.”
    “It DOES get better.”
    “There’s a lot of joy left to find.”

  32. I’m here because of my daughter and my family. She’s an awesome 3.5 year old – starts preschool next week! – and I want to see what kind of amazing person she turns into. And my family… well, even though they drive me mad on occasion, they’re nifty folks. Most of the time 😉

    Thanks for this, Jenny 🙂

  33. Thinking of my mum and that I couldn’t do that to her is what keeps me going. I do worry how I will feel when she is gone.

  34. God has given me a purpose in life, a cause greater than myself, and a support group of wonderful people who keep me both grounded and beautifully insane.

  35. I am here because my cousin lost his life to depression several years ago and I am his link to this world. I am his chronicler for his young daughter, his stories, his little cousin who is now older than he will ever be but who will always remember him as a beloved and protective big brother. I am here because I don’t want any other families to lose loved ones to a fucking liar. I am here because depression sucks, and it sucks worse if you think you have to hide it, as my cousin did. Get that motherfucker depression out in the open and in the sunlight so that it will shrivel before the truth–that the world is an incredible and overwhelming and social and wondrous place. I am here because I wish I could have been there for Chris.

  36. I got to see my oldest daughter put on her first homecoming dress yesterday. Reminding myself of each and every one of those beautiful moments that I would miss is what keeps me going. Seeing her joy makes me joyful. Knowing that if I took my own life, it would break something inside each of my kids’ hearts keeps me going.

  37. I’m here because I know depression lies. I’ve felt that for years and said it as long as I realized that my perspective on life could radically change based on my biochemistry. I’m here because of my children and my husband and because I have seen what suicide does to the people left behind.

    It’s often terribly hard to convince people I suffer from depression because I’m a performer and comedian and when people are funny often people assume…well, they don’t always get it.

    That can make it worse yeah? It’s important to speak out about it.

    Thanks for doing so.

  38. I am healing from post-partum depression. I hate every day it makes me feel like a bad mom, but you’re right. Depression lies. My kids are well cared for and loved beyond anything and hugged and kissed and fed and safe and clean. I know I’m a good mom even though the Depression screams in my head, in the deep hole I’m in, with Depression’s hands gripping me, that I’m not. Stupid lying depression. The first time I laughed after having my 2nd baby was while reading the first book I was able to concentrate on…the Bloggess’ book. I laughed out loud. What a foreign thing that had been. You matter, Ms. Bloggess; you matter to your family and you matter to the people who you make laugh, especially when we thought we couldn’t ever laugh. We all matter!!!! That’s worth sooo much!!

  39. Days like this are so important because, even though it “more acceptable” now to have depression, unless someone experiences clinical depression, they cannot fathom how crippling it is. It’s the silent specter that never goes away. It’s the unbidden terrible thought that pops into your head while your on the eliptical at the gym. It’s the nagging that will just not shut the fuck up no matter how many times you think you’ve silenced it. It’s a fight that never fucking ends. But it’s important to not give in, and to KEEP FIGHTING THAT FIGHT. Depression lies, and when it says that you will only have peace in death then tell it to go fuck itself. Life is worth the fight.

  40. My son is still here… all because of a dropped french fry. It’s his story, though, and I cannot tell you more right now.

    If a french fry can start the conversation, can you imagine what else can?

  41. I’m still here because I couldn’t leave my husband with that kind of pain…and want to meet our sons and daughters someday.

    Love you, Jenny. Keep on keepin’ on.

  42. I’m here because in 1995, the wonderful dog I’d just adopted, who had finally learned to trust me, came over and sat next to me as I counted out pills, trying to figure out if I had enough to do the job. It was enough to realize I wouldn’t be hurting me; I’d be hurting HER. I picked up the phone and called for help instead.

    Depression lies. Thank you, Jenny, for bravely speaking the truth.

  43. I have to give my daughter most of the credit for making things seem easier and worthwhile. The last two weeks have pretty much been a train wreck for me, with things only beginning to look up this weekend when she came over for a visit.
    I should also point out that on Friday I finally got around to buying your book and I couldn’t have read it at a better time. Thanks for reminding us we’re not alone.

  44. Having lost relatives to mental illness, I truly and deeply appreciate your post; if only people were more aware of the real threat that suicide is… instead, most people avoid the topic… it’s taboo. Thank you for bringing it up. Thank you for being there.

  45. I have experienced the pain of losing someone close to me to suicide too many times in my life, and the reminders keep coming. Yesterday, I watched a friend pour her heart out through movement in her way of trying to put the memories of a love lost too soon to rest. I sobbed along with her and felt her pain. No matter how bad things seem, there is always something better around the corner. Maybe a smile to show that someone cares, or a card, email or phone call. Everyone matters to someone and it is so easy to forget that sometimes.

    Depression does lie. It tells huge, fat ugly lies that seem so much like the truth, but aren’t. It can feel so hard to stand up to them but the fact that you do this in a way so public and honest means the world to more people than you will ever know. Thank you.

  46. The doctor always asks, “have you had any thoughts of committing suicide or hurting yourself?” I always answer, “no” It’s not true, but I thing that they mean, “have you ever seriously considered it?” and then my answer is true. In fleeting moments, I imagine what it would be like to drive my car into a wall, or though a red light. Just because. Or what would happen if I just didn’t wake up. But then I think of my children and my mom. My poor mom. She would have to care for my children with all of their disorders AND deal with my death. That’s totally not fair. I’m still here because I can rationalize how fair/unfair and selfish of me it would be. And I believe in an afterlife, so I don’t think the suffering would end, but possibly go on forever…

  47. Thank you, Jenny. Thank you a million times over for being so honest about mental illness and what so many of us are afraid to talk about. Thank you for still being here.

    I’m here, like you, because my daughter saves me every day. And because of Paxil which, though I hate so many things about it, eases the crushing panic attacks that make me think I am going to die and then wonder, again, if I want to.

    Depression lies.

  48. I’m here because I know the empty space that is left behind and I could never do that to the people I care about.

    My words are “All will be well” because it acknowledges that all might not well now, but the future is not now.

  49. I’ve struggled with Depression for most of my life, I deal with it in ways that I can. Like by moving across the country, or listening to loud industrial music and screaming the dark suicidey lyrics. I also write poems, I’d say they were vogon poems but people actually like them and say they’re good. I can’t judge my own work…
    I think the best reason not to kill yourself is that if you do all of the a$$#0!es that make life miserable will get what they want… And no-one wants that. Except the a$$#0!es.

  50. My brother took his life three months ago. Thank you for placing attention firmly on this terrible epidemic.

  51. My husband, my best friend, keeps me here. My sons keep me here. “Depression is a fucking lying rat bastard” keeps me here. Laughter through tears keeps me here. People who understand, like YOU, keep me here.

  52. I don’t have any kids but I remind myself every day that I do have my doxie and my hubby, both of which in all reality would be lost without me, and there are people who love me.

  53. I’m still here
    because I couldn’t figure out how to tell my little boy in a note why Mommy left him
    because my brother found me in time
    because my soul was stronger than a gut full of booze and pills
    because I need to offer hope to someone else who needs it

  54. I am here because of my dogs. I was so close to suicide last year but I stopped myself when I realized what would happen to them. And now, for the first time in my life, I have someone who truly loves me and I actually feel like I belong to a family.

  55. I posted to my FB this morning about World Suicide Prevention Day and outed myself to a bunch of friends who didn’t know about my struggles with the deep pit that it depression and suicide. One friend actually came out and asked me for help, so I feel that I did something good by sharing my story.

    I am here because my friends reminded me how important I was to them. Be it by hanging out, by screaming at me over the phone when I wasn’t able to rationally discuss my feelings, by dragging me into hospitals and to therapy appointments, and by just being there to help me through the darkness. And my one friend J always stated to me “It only gets better from here.”

    My last attempt was 2 years and 1 month ago. Just this week I purchased a house, I have lost 30 pounds since June in taking better care of myself, my job reminded me how great I am, I became an Aunt to a beautiful baby girl, and have given advice to friends who are also struggling. This is the “getting better from here” that J spoke about so many times before. And for me, this has made my struggle through that dark path soo incredibly worth it. I am happy now. I am contented. Will I fall again? Its almost certain. But I know that the storms will pass and the sun will return. And that’s what I tell anyone who’s there in that darkness, struggling to escape. The storm will pass. It WILL get better from here.

  56. I feel hopeless and trapped sometimes but luckily not suicidal. My mom, however, has these thoughts. I think it helps her that she knows we are there for her and that we will do anything to help her. We remind her it’s not normal to feel that bad, and there is help.

  57. The positive for me is that it actually *did* get better. Incredibly, insanely, no-suicidal-feelings-for-years-BETTER. Two decades of therapy, and finally it clicked for me, and I was able to cope with things without feeling suicidal. And since, so far as I can tell, I’m no stronger or smarter than anyone else, my message is this: feeling suicidal SUCKS, but you really CAN get to a place where it’s over. You can get to a place where it’s not that life is perfect, but the good outweighs the bad. You can get to a place where it doesn’t hurt so much. You can get to a place where you go for months on end without feeling depressed.

    You can get to a place where you are sometimes so filled up with joy that it’s hard to imagine.

    Really. YOU can. If I could do it–and there’s nothing special about me that isn’t special about anyone else–you can too.

    How did I do it? Mostly, I just kept working to cope with the depression. I didn’t take any amazing medication or eat any particular food or read any particular book. I just kept slogging through the best that I could. And I’m here to say that if YOU keep slogging through, you might reach that place where you don’t have to slog any more, and you can just feel better.

  58. It wasn’t until those words on some random day that it hit me: it’s all a big lie. Depression has been and will continue to lie to me, to be a liar. I am here because I love my family. I want to say I love myself more but this is my truth: I love THEM. If I ever get to the point of needing help, I hope I’m strong enough to ask for it.

  59. I’m here because of the little things. Those small things that make you smile when you’re feeling blue, laugh when you think you might cry, and act silly when you feel so seriously depressed. Kind words from people, a happy nail polish color, helping someone with a little task, a cute cartoon, or a funny blog post (hint, hint)… even though each moment might last less than a minute makes the days seem easier to deal with.

    Oh, and my cat.. who of which is a little thing (smaller now that she becoming a little old lady kitty), but has a big personality and had put up with my crap, which is no little feat, and has helped me get through some of the toughest times in my life. She’s been here for me and really had no choice in the matter, so I make sure to be here & stay here for her.

  60. I’ve lived through countless unimaginable things that have even made my former therapist question how I hold it together. I’ve mired through clinical depression for sixteen years. Months at a time of not being able to get out of bed, brush my teeth, or stop crying for no fucking reason whatsoever. I’m not going to lie, it’s been hell. BUT…The one single time I thought of checking out, I thought of who would find me. There was no way I could do that to my son. No way. I’ve been to numerous funerals of friends and family who have decided to give up. Some, we still celebrate their birthdays and torture ourselves with questions of why, how could they not have known how much we loved them, and how could we have prevented it. I still question which is more selfish; me for still wanting them here, or them for taking their own lives. I still miss them, every day. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone else.

  61. I’m still here because my amazing, wonderful, beautiful, big brother no longer is. I miss him so much that I now realise I must never do the same thing to the rest of my family and friends – the people I love and who I have to keep remembering, love me too…
    I miss you, you daft sod.

    Keep on buggering on, everyone. We all matter. We’re all important. We’re all amazing. Yes, even YOU!

    Depression Lies.

  62. I am here because of my sister who kept me on this planet in my younger years. I couldn’t leave her here alone, though she left me years later for a life of drugs, alcohol, chaos and lies.
    I am here because of the girls God gave me to watch over. I owe them.
    I am here because of my sisters, without whom I would be so alone.
    I am here because tomorrow everything could change – just like that – and I wouldn’t be here to see it… and it’s what I was waiting for all along.
    I heart you Jenny. Be well. <3

  63. I’m here for my daughter. And my husband. And because someone else did it first and I can never do to them what our friend did to us. It was crushing and horrific and I couldn’t put my husband through that trauma ever again. And I want to see my daughter turn 2, and 5, and 10, and 16, and 30… And I want to see my husband turn old and grey alongside me.

    Depression is a lying bastard. Friends and family are the truth. Pills help us see the distinction. And Jenny helps us laugh about the confusion. 🙂

  64. When I suffer through bouts of depression and when suicidal thoughts run rampant through my mind, I chant to myself “This too shall pass.” The thing I have learned after 25 years of on and off again depressive episodes is that it always gets better – it always passes. I will be at my lowest, darkest, scariest places and then it passes and life will be OK again.

    Also, I did actually try to kill myself about 16 years ago – tried to overdose with drugs and booze. I blacked out, so don’t remember doing this, but apparently I called a fried and told him what I did and asked for help. He stuck his fingers down my throat and made me vomit for the rest of the night. Probably saved my life. So, when I think about suicide, I remind myself that I don’t really want to die. If I did, then I wouldn’t have called for help that night.

  65. I’m still here because of Love. Love I have for my friends, family, my girlfriend, my daughter, God… and the Love they all have for me. It sustains me even when I’m feeling badly about myself.

  66. This is on my Twitter today: Someone loves you, I love you. And I can’t live without you. Just in case you doubted and needed to hear it.
    Jenny, thank you for being with us and being you.

  67. I’m not taking this lightly , but I’m staying for Dr Who , in this particular moment . In other moments I stay for the people who love me . The ones who , universe bless them , KNOW that I may one day lose the war , but give me the love , affection , and unconditional acceptance in spite of . They find me worthy and help me see through their eyes , someone of worth , through my own.

  68. Yeah, on one very blue day I happen upon AFP and played 52 of her youtube videos back to back, not sure what it was about her/them but I was happy in a way that meds never make me feel. I am eagerly awaiting the email with the download link to “Theatre is Evil”.

  69. I’m still here because at my lowest I was a single Mom of an infant and I didn’t think anyone would realize I was gone and take care of him. Now I’m a Mom of four and I wouldn’t ever do that to them.

  70. I’m here because for every person who doesn’t care about me and every challenge in my life, I have somone else who does love me and who is ready and willing to reach out a hand and help me through my hard times. Or just lie down on the floor with me and hold me while I cry. My friends give me the love that gets me through when I don’t know how to do it on my own anymore.

    The song I listen to when I’m struggling is “Long Trip Alone” by Dierks Bentley. Life is hard to get through alone, so don’t do it alone. It’s okay to need help and to ask for it.

    “So maybe you could walk with me a while
    And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
    Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
    ‘Cause it’s a long trip alone”

  71. I am here because as Ann Landers said “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and knowing that the collateral damage done would be immense. Further, I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that my family.

  72. Im Terrified! My friend, we will call him Jason, is a long time depression sufferer and has tried to commit suicide multiple times(He tried to jump off a bridge last month) I knew about today, because he told me about it, AND now I cant seem to find him anywhere. After I read that talking about suicide is a possible trigger, Im wondering if he might try it again today. Advice?

    (All you can do is let him know that you need him. Send him a Facebook message telling him you really need him to come over for dinner tonight. Sometimes it’s the little things that help. ~ Jenny)

  73. Sometimes it’s my kids. Sometimes it’s because I’m too chickenshit. Sometimes it’s inertia. Every great once in a while my rational side wakes up and helps me realize it’s a stupid idea.

  74. I’m here because I’ve learned over the years that “this too shall pass.” The bad times don’t last. Stay calm. Hang on. It’ll be better tomorrow.

  75. I’ve never had thoughts of suicide but as a person who has to live with someone who did commit suicide, I want you all to know that we are here for you. I know it’s not my fault and I never blame him but please remember that anyone that knows you would move heaven and earth to help you. I wish I had gotten the opportunity to say that to him.
    We need you all here. Our world is a much darker place if you leave. I’d be happy to help anyone who just needed someone to talk to, someone to just listen and even if I don’t even know you, I am here. There is hope.

  76. I’m here because in 1996 my sister’s best friend took her life at age sixteen. I was eleven and she was like a sister to me. Seeing what that did to not just her family, but to mine, has kept me from repeating her mistake each time I get close. I never want to hurt anyone the way she hurt us.

  77. I’m here because my family needs me. Because snuggles from little people heal when you think nothing can reach you.

    The words that help me make it through are my sister’s: “I love you. I need you. Tomorrow will be better. And tomorrow I will still love you and still need you. No matter what.”

    The pictures are me and my beloved, who died by suicide a couple years ago. And the one of my giggling girls as they looked at me with the biggest grins. I cherish them. The songs are “Blessings” and “Breathe (2 am).” The place is Balboa Park in San Diego, where my mother brought me as a little girl and I bring my girls to watch them play at the same koi pond and under the same tree.

  78. I’m still here because the guilt over what it would do to my family is stronger than my desire to end things. Thankfully, I haven’t felt that low in a long time, but the memory of it is always vivid and fresh and horrifying. Thank you for being a voice for so many who feel like they’re suffering alone. And you’re right – depression is a lying, lying bitch.

  79. words that get me through – A mind is a terrible thing to mind.
    It reminds me my mind likes to do it’s own thing and it is very, very sneaky so I need to keep a mental leash law in place.
    That and silly putty – it gives me something to do with my hands that isn’t putting food in my mouth and I can be as harmful to it as I want to and it’s still just the same. I should own stock in that stuff!

  80. My son. My son keeps me going. Being outside in the air and sun keeps me going. The knowledge that at some point it does get better – because I’ve been here before and gotten through it. And felt better. Even if right now hurts like hell. And my family. My mom couldn’t make it through her suicidal tendencies this summer. We lost her. But her depression stemmed from her alzheimers and I just keep reminding myself that she really wasn’t herself, and that she really would never be “whole” again and she knew it. Depression makes us FEEL broken, but we aren’t. Her disease really was breaking her.

  81. My kids got me through the bad stuff. I couldn’t leave them. My husband too. Now my grandkids will get me through if I start to feel that way again. And my amazing friends who love me as I am. I mean genuinely love me! They get me. And knowing I’m not the only one helps too! It does get better, even if for a little while, it does get better.

  82. I’m still here because depression is a lying bastard, and I’ve finally figured that out (thanks for your help with that). I’ve figured out that..
    depression is not my fault
    depression is temporary, but may come back, again & again
    depression is an illness that can be treated with meds just like high blood pressure
    depression is not me
    and once again, DEPRESSION IS A LYING BASTARD, but I’m stronger & smarter.

  83. I’m still here because at the end of my worst year ever, I met the person who is still my best friend in the world, and a couple years later I met my other best friend. The two of them and their love and friendship saved me a thousand times over.

    I’m still here because my family is hugely supportive of me.

    I’m still here because modern medicine can work miracles and quiet the crazy thoughts.

    I’m still here because you told me that depression lies.

    I’m still here because I can listen to Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger” over and over and over again and make it my personal anthem. I am stronger than depression. I have a silver ribbon tattoo on my ankle now, reminding me of that every day.

  84. I found your blog back in February of this year, after I made a very serious suicide attempt that landed me in hospital for 3 and a half days, with the possibility of being incarcerated at their “facility”(I.e. The Bughouse). I was searching the web for anything that would let me know that I wasn’t a criminal or insane or a moral degenerate (because that’s what the hospital staff made me feel like). I found your site, and have been laughing ever since! Depression has stalked me my entire life, and the squalid bastard still comes around, but I’m determined to pull something good out of this life, even if I have to fight every inch of the way. I hope that all y’all will strive to do the same! Remember the immortal words of Courage Wolf: “When Life gives you lemons, punch Life in the dick”. Stay strong!

  85. Because I don’t want to miss a minute. And I don’t want anyone else to miss a minute, either.

  86. On July 10th the world lost a beautiful woman named Tracy, who so many loved. Her depression got to big. I wish she knew how deeply, DEEPLY we all loved her. How much she helped us when we needed an uplifting message, how she made us laugh; laugh until it hurt. I wish…..we all wish so much.

  87. Knowing as many people as I do that suffer from depression, I can only be thankful every day that I don’t. I do, however, deal with ADHD, so I understand the difficulty in dealing with a so-called invisible illness.

    For those that do suffer, try to remember a few things through the tangled fog of lies weaved by that most sinister of demons, Depression:

    You are not alone.

    Yes, it hurts, but it won’t always hurt.

    Try to latch onto the things in your life that are good and awesome. Try to think of the things you bring or can bring to this world that no one else can.

    Focus on the difference you want to make. And remember that you are brave enough to make it.

    Also, watch a man get hit in the face with a monkey.

  88. suicide has directly had an impact on my life. and it showed me that for all those years that i thought it was an option…it is not.

    there were people left behind. children that suffered. doubts that crept into my mind. what if i could have said something. what if i could have done something. 10 years of guilt. and it sucked. and depression lies. it lied to me. but the suicide…it was not worth it. for as bad as he thought things were…as bad as he thought they could get…the worst part was what was left.

    who was left.

  89. I’m here because I can’t stand the thought of losing or giving up. Also because I have an incredible problem with guilt and if there’s an afterlife I would spend it feeling guilty for giving up, losing the fight, and letting all my loved ones down. I’ll take the meds, unnecessary feelings of guilt and occasional breakdowns over not living at all any day…every day, in fact. I may not like me all the time, but I will always like me enough to keep me around.

  90. Jenny – this forum is like group therapy, only better. Nobody yells back at you that you’re a stupid fucking asshole and that you should just get a life and move on. YEAH!!!!!

    Oh, and great song.

  91. Thanks for posting this. You do realize that you’re the reason a lot of us are still here? You make us laugh, or cry, or laugh until we cry, with every post you make. You are a wonderful person. I’m glad you have Victor and your daughter to keep you in writing material. Thank you for being there for us. We’re here for you.

  92. Talking about suicide makes me think suicidal thoughts, which is probably one of the stupidest triggers in the history of the world.

    Me, too. This will probably be triggery, so you can skip the first chunk and go down to what helps me forget.

    I have trouble wondering why suicide is a bad thing, though. It’s always seemed like a neutral thing to me, except that I already feel like I’m a horrible person for being such a drain on my friends and family, and they keep telling me that if I died, it would be hard on them. It aggravates my Catholic guilt complex to no end, and then I just feel worse because I can’t do anything about it. (Medicine doesn’t help me, neither does therapy. I recently tried a new medicine that worked for a few months, but then it just made my dysmenorrhea spike worse. When I started hormonal bc, it just leveled everything out, so I don’t have any good days, but not really horrible ones, which is just like an average day before I started my meds. I’ve probably been clinically depressed since pre-school, when I look at the “does your child have depression?” charts. I’m 28 now. I’m also not actively suicidal at the moment, but I am still at the point where I see dying as a desirable thing, obv. It was really weird when my medicine was working properly and I didn’t think about dying all the time. But I’m already at the max dosage, and it’s not even technically a depression med in the US (Savella).)

    Anyway, other than the guilt about the mess I’d be leaving behind for my family, the thing that keeps me going is looking forward to trips and events and whatnot. I have to have something external – right now, I’m planning a day-trip to the Magic Kingdom in 8 days, and also a more long-term goal of going back to France for 12 days next September, even though I can’t really afford either. But I get excited about planning the details of the trips and making lists, which helps me forget how unhappy I am. (Anything that’s longterm or nebulous doesn’t work, because I can’t stand the idea of doing something without a clear goal. that’s probably part of the reason I haven’t been able to get a job that pays a living wage or move out of my parents’ house.)

    I also have recently started collecting fountain pens again. I’m a newbie to the FP community, but I really love the fun of using something so obviously sciencey and cool. And there are so many ink colors! I bought this Sailor Clear Candy pen last week and it’s my new favorite. I have pink ink to put in when the black that came with it runs out, too. 🙂

    A thing that I enjoy: making lists of Things To Do for My Trip with my fountain pens in pretty inks on nice stationery. It’s so satisfying!

  93. Thank you for this post.

    The main thing to help me through is the knowledge that some of the people who have tried to help me would feel responsible/guilty if I ended my life. That would be no way to show how grateful I am to them.
    One of my friends has a song with the line “there’s so much more”, and letting her voice remind me of that always gives me strength.

  94. Your mantra of “Depression Lies” has helped me through many a difficult day. It reminds me that my emotional state does not determine reality. Depression is, as my husband once said: “A cloud before the sun.”

    Exercise, ‘me’ time, and seeking out new things to try and enjoy are very helpful in keeping life fresh and meaningful. Spending time with friends and family also helps a lot.

    Suicide is the ultimate lie. Fight it.

  95. Reading Tolkien. The Lord of the Rings movies help as well. I get to visit Middle Earth for awhile, am away from other things for a little bit.

    Amanda Palmer rocks.

  96. Morbid curiosity mainly. I want to see what happens next. I want to see how my tv shows end up. I want to see who gets elected. I want to see my kids and grandkids end up. But there is also a good portion of fear. I’m afraid of all of the posible bad things that can happen that I can’t prevent. Fear of the possible is my trigger for anxiety.

  97. I’m still here because my identical twin boys who were diagnosed with Autism at 18 months, almost 9 years ago, would be lost without me.

  98. I’m here for so many reasons, mainly my husband and kids. Also, I’m too chicken to do it.

  99. I’m here because I was shown every day that I am not alone. It was hard to learn to ask for help, but once I asked, it came in droves.

    The mantra that got me through my last deep depression was, ‘This is temporary.’

    And this may seem trite, but this video always makes me smile when I’m in a dark mood, because it gets me doing a little dance and makes me thankful for our nation’s troops:

    ‘Call Me Maybe’, spoofed by U.S. Military:

  100. My kids already lost their father to suicide, therefore I’m not allowed to take my own life. In brighter moments there are many aspects to life that are lovely enough to keep me around. When darkness falls and there is only chaos and fear, I rely on that one rule that requires me to endure. It’s as much for me as for them–if I cease to be the kind of person that doesn’t want her children to see both parents give up on a life with them, then I will have lost the last of my personhood, and there really wouldn’t be a point in going on.

  101. I don’t have depression, but what is starting to be a paralyzing anxiety. It’s there all the time. Will we be able to pay our bills this month? Will my husband lose his job? Will he get into a car accident on the way to work? Will my kids get hurt? Anxiety lies too. While the chance for all of those things to happen are there, they are very slim, but I make myself sick worrying about it. Also large crowds of people and driving make me anxious. I have a hard time explaining this to my husband, who is one of the best people in the world because he doesn’t get it. “Don’t worry” is his answer. Everyday this feeling is there.

    Reading on this blog that I’m not alone has helped. Also one of my friends who keeps me busy by involving me in a book club project (It’s called Classics without all the class on Goodreads, if anyone’s interested! Work in Progress so be warned!) that Jenny, you have inspired in a way. So Jenny, I’m glad you’re still around. It makes the world a better place for the rest of us.

  102. I’m here a) in part because I’m too scared not to be. b) Because it would kill my mom. and c) because of you.

  103. I have extremes highs and extreme lows that jump me from behind and make me their plaything princess. The thing that gets me through is the fact that even when I’m feeling at my shittiest, it still makes me happy to make other people laugh. And that’s why I wear a clown nose on my penis.

  104. I’m going undercover today for this, but I am still here because it would take away MY pain, but make countless others hurt, which wouldn’t be fair to them. It lies it lies, oh does it lie.

  105. I’m still here because I am sure I still have something to contribute to this life. When I look back at my life and think about my attempts, I am thankful they were not successful. I have so much more in my life than I ever imagined I have. I also have talent and promise. I try to sort through all the hassle and pain to embrace the blessings. It’s not just that my kids, family and friends NEED me. I understand that despite occasional differences, those I love most WANT me in their life. I want to be here. It took me a few decades to understand that.

  106. Well, I promised myself that I’m never going to die that way. It’s a horrible way to go. I want to be old and accomplished and I want to help others think positive things as well. In the back of my mind, I’m still not sure the world is a better place with me in it but hey, it takes time, right? Stay strong Jenny, you’re not even aware how many people you have saved. Love you!

  107. I forgot to mentioned the Beatles’ Abbey Road Medley starting with You “Never Give Me Your Money” through “Her Majesty”.

  108. I was in a dark place yesterday, and thought about it for the first time in a few years. What stops me is the assurance that things get better, and ending this life solves nothing. You don’t get a do-over if you want to start over, we get one shot at this. There is so much to look forward to, because I don’t have the answers and I don’t know what tomorrow looks like. What if it’s beautiful? I’m willing to stick around to find out.

  109. I’m here today for several reasons – the most important of which is my dog, Phoenix. He can hardly stand to be away from me for the 8 hours each day I’m at work, so I can’t imagine how heartbroken he’d be to never see me again.

    I’m here today because I have made it through every other shitty day of my life and occasionally I am rewarded with a great day.

    I’m here today – and this is pretty morbid – but I intern at a Coroner’s office, and seeing the people who have successfully committed suicide AFTER they have done it just breaks my heart. It is the most undignified way to go, and instead of hurting someone who has hurt them, they’re hurting the people who love them, and that sucks major watermelons. I think that they should show people who are hospitalized for attempting suicide pictures of people who have successfully committed suicide, because if there is one thing that will deter me when I’m feeling my worst, it’s that.

  110. I’m here because no matter how severe my depression gets, I’m still afraid of dying.
    I am not currently depressed, but I don’t know that there’s any particular thing that would be my rock should another bout hit me.

  111. I don’t suffer from depression, mental illness or anything as such. But if I ever do, I hope I will be able to hold on to the thought of so many many brave people such as you all who fight and succeed everyday. I am in awe of you

  112. Ok, I am here for several reasons…but most recently I would have to say it because of you Jenny. Through your blog, I have found a wonderful group of new friends, we are on facebook . The page is called Lawsbian Awesomeness, without these people I don’t know if I could beat back the depression everyday and function.

    If you feel lost, or alone and need someone to talk please come to the group. We are walking this hallway with you and are kicking depression in the nads…or at least trying to depression is a slipperly little basterd…

    So thanks Jenny…you made it all possible

  113. My friend lost her son to suicide 4 years ago and she still suffers because of it, EVERY DAY! I am here, because I can’t do that to her, or to anyone else who cares about me. Some days, I feel like that isn’t even reason enough, but I’m still here, so it must be.

  114. That is a tough one. I just got off a week of vacation and I have to say – having work as a purpose to get up and out saves me a little each day. I had to fight the depression each day last week – thus I made appointments for EVERY day just to make sure I showered & dressed daily. I know if I don’t have something or someone depending on me to get up, I will stay down all day. And one day can lead to two and three and four…..

    Isn’t that sad to say Work is what saves me? The love of my parents and husband just is not enough sometimes. They are the reason for not being suicidal, but not enough to keep the depression at bay.

    Jenny, your blog and book does help me though. Depression is a lying draining b*****d that so few understand. Snap out of it is not something you can just do – and so many do not understand. Thank you for being the brave soul you are.

  115. So….my dad had 2 strokes in 2007. His life has been turned upside down with his loss of independence, memory loss, inability to work…depression took over about a year ago and he JUST admitted to the occasional thoughts of suicide that he has had.

    I too have depression – so I know what he is going through and it kills me that I can’t stop it for him. BUT the one thing that keeps us BOTH going is my son, Tristan. And for THAT, I thank that little red-headed 5 year old that, at times, drives us all a little “crazy.”

  116. Aside from wanting to see the beautiful faces of my kids for as many days as I’m able to, I think of how many “tomorrows” turned out way better than the “todays”.

  117. It used to be that I was here because I was a coward. Also, because pain is painful, and who wants that (except for some who are into that sort of thing: if anyone who reads this counts themselves in that group, I am not being judgey.)

    But now, I have taken the mantra of “Depression Lies”, and it is working pretty well.

    “When you are depressed, don’t believe what your brain is telling you. It is lying.”

  118. I’m not trying to be funny, this is completely serious, but why I’m still here is because if the fear that I wouldn’t succeed at suicide and I’d be left a vegetable or somehow worse off than I was before. Admittedly though, I’ve always retained an odd sense of hope that things can’t get much worse so they have to get better. Also, I got a dog.

  119. I’m here because I was born alive when I should have died before I was born and I am holding on to find out why.

  120. The last time you posted the Amanda Palmer video I just fell in love with her music. Thank you so much for that. I’ve backed 2 of her Kickstarters now.

    I’ve never been suicidal. But I’m close to people that have been. I try to make it clear that suicide is a permanent response to a temporary problem. Also that they are loved and like all things this too shall pass. I’ve since added Depression Lies!

    Thank you for being vocal and not being afraid to be judged. I’m more aware of my own mental issues and not afraid to let others know.

    *great big squishy you rock so fucking hard hugs*

  121. I am here because I am a firm believer in reincarnation…If I killed myself this time around, I’d just face the same shit next time. I figured I’d have to get it off my list in this life.

    I am here because I couldn’t bear to leave my husband and my girls with the pain.

    I am here because even though the thoughts and actions came in waves, I knew there would be a trough after the wave, and I could get through somehow…

    In high school, the song Out of Control by Oingo Boingo kept me going. Danny Elfman’s lyrics made me aware that I wasn’t the only one, even though I didn’t know who was “with” me.

    Thank you, Jenny, for your openness and helping us find who is *with* us.

  122. Jenny

    I lost a friend to suicide almost 2 weeks ago. I only found out after that he was suffering from depression and he was embarrassed and never talked to me about it. He was taking Zoloft and suddenly stopped a few weeks before and that may have contributed to it. I wish I could have talked to him before. I know, thru you and others, that depression does lie and that IT WILL PASS. That you for everything you do to help spread the word about depression and other mental illnesses. You really are a life saver! xoxo Imelda

  123. My songs: “This is Not the House That Pain Built” by Catie Curtis; “What Do You Hear in These Sounds” and “Spring Street” by Dar Williams

    From Spring Street:
    So I’ll push myself up through the dirt
    And shake my petals free
    Unresolved to being born
    And so resigned to bravery.

  124. I am here because of my five year old son. And my husband. And because there is too much to live for. I need to see new pictures of Hunter S Thomcat and watch him grow. I have a Jack Russell with issues and who would hold him when he has a panic attack or a seizure? I have six cats who depend on me for love and attention. I have books to read and places to see and frankly it would give my mother in law too much joy. I have a pekinese with no issues but I would miss her bounce and snortiness way too much. How can I leave when I need to see what you are going to say or do next? Because no matter how bad it gets something good is always on the way. Never stop fighting Jenny. I hope you know how much joy you bring and how you make the world a better place to be.

  125. Thank you for posting this Jenny. This weekend was a very bad bad weekend, and today has only been slightly better because I have to be happy(ish) for my 2 year old daughter. But this has genuinely cheered me up a little; knowing how many other people are suffering at the exact same time as you is kinda like getting a big hug, to know you’re not alone.


    I *love* that song.

  126. So far, at least one of my sons still need me. That’s about it. But one day. And sometimes it’s not a lie.

  127. I’m still here because of my children. I couldn’t do that to them. Everyday, even on days where they have me nearly pulling my hair out, there is at least one moment where I am reminded by them of how lucky I am to be here.

  128. Thank you for posting this.

    I’m bipolar and have begun blogging about it a bit because I think that talking about it allows others to feel less alone and less stigmatized when they NEED to talk about it. My daughter also saves me on a daily basis. She doesn’t have a clue and has just bobbled around for 5 years happy as pie and it has made my life worth living. Well, that and the fact that being bipolar makes depression easier to take. There’s a logical part of my brain that says, “hang in there because you’ll have unicorns shooting out of your ass any day now”.

  129. I don’t have kids, and I don’t kill myself. I don’t have a husband and I don’t kill myself.

    You are worth it, even without kids or a spouse. Or family.

    YOU ALONE are enough. And ME ALONE is enough.

  130. I’m here because of two amazing children that keep me going. They are literally the very reasons that I get out of bed every single day.
    My uncle, one of my most favorite people in the world, struggled with depression and probably PTSD after returning from Vietnam and committed suicide when I was a teenager. Every time I think of him, I think of everything terrific in our lives that he’s missed and I simply will not miss any greatness. This is my other motivation to continue to say “Depression lies…”

  131. My cat saved me. I thought “who would be his mom if I wasn’t here?” Then I started laughing at the idea that I was a cat’s mom. Well, it felt so good to laugh that I was able to see a glimpse through the darkness and crawl out. There he was, patiently waiting for me on the other side of the darkness. He is gone now but there will never be a time when my house is not inhabited by a life-saving cat.

  132. I’m here because of the guilt I feel leaving my daughter in that kind of pain.
    I’m also here because I worry that my attempt would be just that, an attempt and that the recovery would be worse than the actual death. (pathetic isn’t it)

  133. I’m here. And sometimes that’s the best thing I can possibly say about today.

    I lost my best friend and first love to suicide at 16. And I’ll never forget the heartbreak we all shared in the wake. My friends and I made a cliche teenage promise to always be there for each other even as we grow apart. We meant it, and we’ve taken each other up on the offer many times. Depression does fucking lie. And sometimes it masquerades as the solution to a temporary problem.

    Years later when my uncle left a suicide note and disappeared it opened all of those old wounds. I hated knowing the grief that would come along. We didn’t find his body until 4 years later, and the grieving started again. I don’t want the responsibility of putting anyone through that (even if I am dead and don’t have to face it).

  134. I find it incredibly ironic that today, when I cannot stop the tears from slipping down my face, when I see no hope, no way out, no light…today, when I have to remind myself again and again and AGAIN that “children of a suicide never recover”…when I am looking desperately for any distraction from this horrible, consuming pain and torment, that I find out that it is World Suicide Prevention Day.

    It is hard to remember that depression lies when everything it is saying feels true, when it feels like I am hurting because I am looking at myself and my life as it really is, without the masks and covers. It feels like my life is a lie, that -I- am a lie, and depression is where the truth is.

    Today I am here because children of a suicide never recover. Because I promised my friend Michael that I would not hurt myself today. Because of you, Jenny, and this post.

    But oh, it is so hard.

  135. Sometimes I don’t know why I’m still here. Sometimes I don’t know if I can get through. And sometimes, once in a very long time, I remember. Those moments make it worthwhile.

  136. I am so, so fortunate that my brain chemistry, while in need of a little assistance, has never pushed me to the point so many of you have been. You all have my utmost support and respect for having had the courage to push, tumble, crawl, or hurtle yourself over that terrifying point.

  137. I’m here because I watched my best friend grieve for her mother, and I realized I didn’t ever want to cause someone that much pain. Weeks later I was in counseling, so when I was actively suicidal I had a support system in place to help me make it through.

  138. My husband, nieces & nephews are why I am still here. I also listen to Alanis Morissette’s “That I Would Be Good” ( Her songs have become a bright light when I see the darkness coming, especially this song as it reminds me that I am good even when I don’t feel good. You have also helped me, you are an inspiration for those of us dealing with anxiety problems – you help me laugh when I feel like crying and giving up. You helped me realize that I am not the only one going through the torments of anxiety, and for that I thank you.

  139. I’m here because there are four children who depend on me and because my experience has paved an easier road for my oldest, who hopefully won’t ever hit that same rock bottom I did.

  140. I’m here today because 8 years ago the thought of leaving behind my cat was the only thing more painful than my life at that moment. Now I have a beautiful daughter to live for. I have learned to give myself permission to have a bad day; guilt only makes the depression worse.
    I also thank the powers that be every day for medication. Without it I would be having repeated panic attacks, unable to leave my bedroom.

    Thank you, Jenny, for being a voice for so many who suffer in silence. You are wonderful.

  141. The two guys in St. Augustine, Florida that told me, while I had one screaming child on my hip and another holding my leg and blood streaming down my face…that I’m still beautiful. In my darkest moments I always came back to that night.

  142. Yes! PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS! I just lost a dear friend 2 months ago to suicide, and I am now guardian of her beautiful 4 year old daughter. For my friend, she felt that she was doing better for her daughter by killing herself.

  143. I am here for my son and husband…this summer was a very trying time for my family and I found that we are truly lucky for the love and support from our family and friends. So I am here for them too! I am here for Keely and her Mama because I know how much it sucks being a teenager. I am here because in the end I kinda like me and realize that depression does lie and I will get through this with a lot of love and support from my family and friends. I AM HERE FOR ME!

  144. I’m here because as a teenager, I knew that no-one would care for my cat if I died, and I couldn’t do that to her.
    And because I watched “Goodnight, Mother” and realized later (during a botched attempt) that I do enjoy the bowl of cereal in the morning, and sunsets, and birds flying, and many other small things.
    And now, because I have seen what it does to people when someone dies, and I won’t do that to my friends and loved ones, not if I can help it.
    And because James Booker has a hell of a left hand, and because of Beethoven, mad genius, and the cats I’m saving, and the people I help make the world a better place for, at least one person at a time anyways.

  145. Because yesterday I attended the memorial service of yet another friend who lived with, and died with depression. While there is no concrete evidence that hers was due to suicide, it is clear to all her family and close friends that depression was a contributing factor in the events that resulted in her death. I remember the pain in the hearts and the eyes of all the loved ones of those I’ve known who have taken their lives. I don’t want that pain for my loved ones. So I chose the courage to take my meds, to talk to my therapist and to repeat the mantras “Depression Lies” and “It will get better” until I begin to believe them again.

    And Jenny are one of my reasons. You are my real-life, honest to goodness heroes. Thanks.

  146. I am here because I live with the excruciating pain of losing my husband to suicide every single minute of every single day and I can not bear the thought of leaving my children in a world with no parents. I have to survive and fight on for them!

  147. There is a song that helps be through the worst of it is “The Pass” by Rush:
    “All of us spend time in the darkness, dreamers learn to look at the stars.
    All of us spend time in the gutter, dreamers turn to look at the cars.
    Turn around and walk the razors edge, don’t turn your back and slam the door on me.”

    And thank you for always reminding us that Depression Lies.

  148. I’m here because my family needs me. Because there is good I can do in this world and it’s not done yet. Because sometimes my brain hates me, but I know it’s not forever.

    P.S. I love that song too. It’s #1 on my ipod. 🙂

  149. I am here because of people like the Bloggess who remind me its okay to talk about mental illness and a little absurdity can go a long way. I think depression tries to silence your voice but as long as you keep talking about depression it will empower you to fight.

  150. I’m much older then most of women writing here. As I look back, I realize how much pain I generated in my own head. It’s like taking a negative thought and beating yourself up with it over and over again. Of course emotions are complex. Still, I can’t remember a fraction of the reasons why I suffered over the years. A long term bout with agoraphobia brought me to my knees emotionally. A bout with cancer helped me see the value in just being alive. Thoughts are very powerful, defining. Here are few that helped me as much as ‘depression lies’. You may not be who you think you are, but you are who you think you are. I create my own reality, and I am responsible for my life. Being so self absorbed is toxic. I do NOT want to live my life from a place of fear. I remember to get pissed off and fight back at my own lies. I must remember to be grateful for what I have. And, I am not alone. A line in a Tom Petty song has become my mantra. ‘You can stand me up to the gates of hell, I will stand my ground, no I won’t back down”. I start to get in that survival mode. Yep, it takes Courage to be. A wise friend once said….’Don’t waste a good panic’. Well, I could go on and on…there are no perfect answers, just the ones you find that work for you. Oh, and I just found this blog, and have become a huge fan. The laughs, the tears, the warmth, and sharing your vulnerable heart….all very inspiring. I can see you have touched many lives in a most profound way. Your a good soul.


  151. I think of the darkness and all of the lies as not coming from me, but as from an evil spirit who is trying to take me out because I have something good to do in the world, and this evil dark battle is the only way the evil spirt can stop the good from happening.

    And sometimes I only am here because of my daughter. And my best friend whose mom committed suicide.

  152. Two things have kept me here – two very different things. One of them was getting to know a man just a little older than me who had found his only child, his 18 year old son hanged in the family garage – seeing the dreadful heartbreak that caused him and his wife made me realise I don’t have the right to do that to any one. Strangely enough the other thing that kept me alive for many years was being on a pro-suicide website. It was a responsible site which always suggested people get other help before even thinking of suicide but knowing that it was an option – well – yeah that got me through – “I can always do it if things get worse”. Sometimes I made the choice to live for weeks at a time, sometimes I could only make the choice for ten minutes at a time.

  153. My depression right now is numbing. It’s bad. I blame the horrid anxiety that is taking up all my energy.

    But for things keeping me here? As much as I am afraid of the day, and depressed, and feel like a failure, it’s hard to do so when my daughter is kissing me and giggling. She helps a lot.

    My Girl, and her wonderful understanding. Her snuggles help too.

    Any thing that makes me laugh uncontrollably. Lately that’s been your book Jenny. Read it 4 times. Well some parts 4 times. Thanks for that. It helps so much.

  154. Today I am in the midst of weaning off Lexapro, and it is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. So far so good…but…I never want to be so numb, so joyless and so hopeless ever again. Depression is a lying bastard. Thank you Jenny for speaking out. I’ve never seriously considered suicide, and I am grateful. But I want to hug everyone who has left posts here today and everyone who struggles. It does get better. You are not alone.

  155. I’m here because I know I am loved and also because I love, even though the 2 lists might not be congruent. And also because I’m a naturally curious person who just wants to see how it all turns out and if I check out early, I just might miss some of the REALLY good stuff.

  156. im having a really hard time today remembering why im here.

    other than i guess my childrens dad worse seriously fuck things up without me to remember all the little things.

  157. I’m still here because I let my husband talk me into believing I was a lesbian, which made me lose my job, which made me realize that all my support was coming from coworkers (and not great support at that), which made me realize that I needed to leave my husband. And I did. For me. So I can look my daughters in the eye and know that they see a healthy, whole mom – not one that’s depressed, beaten down and most days useless.

  158. I’m still here because my mother never gave up one. I’m here because I got sick of being sick. I’m here because of two amazing therapists and a bucketload of medication. I’m here because I realized I was worth more than my depression. What gets me through is the love of my family. What gets me through is focusing on my art when I’m in a dark place. What gets me through is knowing that I’m worth something to someone in this big enormous universe of ours. And most importantly, what gets me through is knowing that there are other amazing people fighting the stigma too. Jenny, you are an inspiration to me.

  159. Talking about meth and drugs and booze make me think about using. Super trigger. So our illnesses feed off of our own illness. Which is why you get triggered. Thank you for sharing such an important part of your soul. My husband suffers from PTSD, anxiety and severe depression. We have suicide pacts often. Super scary and sad way to live. I am glad you have support and this writing to help you.

    Hang in there and PLEASE never stop talking.

  160. I am here because I have to be a voice for my 6 year old who has autism and is non-verbal. I am here because I have to make sure my boys grow into the men they are supposed to be and not the man their father is. I am here because even though they have family who love them and would drop everything to be there for them, no one can replace mommy. I have to stay strong for them even when it feels hopeless.

  161. You people spouting the platitude “permanent solution to a temporary problem” clearly don’t know what it’s like to have spent your entire life under the cloud of depression. For me, NOT being depressed has always been temporary. I thought my new medicine ($50/month, by the way, WITH insurance, for one script… $120 for BOTH current scripts – I only earn $1000/month at my job, which I’m afraid to leave because it’s the only job I’ve had that I enjoy, and I’m terrified that if I get a job I dislike, I won’t be able to bring myself to actually get up in the morning – thank goodness my parents are compassionate and let me live rent free)…anyway, I thought my new medicine was a miracle worker, but even it eventually failed me. I still take it because it keeps the worst spikes at bay, but I’m starting to feel it’s a waste of money that I could be putting towards my trip to France.

    I’m sorry to break it to y’all, but platitudes like that are shit when someone has been fighting for 24 years (her entire life), and without even really knowing why she should even bother to fight it. Platitudes like that make me feel even worse for not understanding why everyone is so against suicide (even if I can clearly see that it’s the case), which makes me hate myself even more.

    I don’t know. Apparently this comment thread is a lot more triggering than I expected, or I’m having a particularly bad morning. I am going to leave it and clean my new fountain pens and make a cup of delicious strawberry flavored tea.

  162. I am here today because of my children. Plain and simple. They save me. Every day. From the time I got pregnant the first time, I’ve felt a reprieve from the constant thoughts of suicide.

    Your words, “Depression lies” are awesome and definitely have helped me.

  163. I am here because what if the ones I left got it all wrong? What if I could not tell them the WHY in a way they could understand? Instead I stay and talk and talk and talk …some people hear and understand. Some just hear. But, the point is, they hear because I am HERE. I guess that just makes me damn stubborn, even in my darkness.

    The man who saved my life with his music killed himself. I won’t close that circle; I will leave it open and hope he touches others still. Forget me not, or I’ll forget myself.

  164. I totally agree with you. My son saves me on a daily basis, even when he’s throwing spaghetti on the wall. My depression is in an ok state right now. I’m on the fence but the good days outnumber the bad ones and I’ve finally gotten my husband to talk about it. I tell myself that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I’m way too damn stubborn to give up. I will keep fighting. I will not let this selfish decision claim me and affect those I love.

    It helps to remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

  165. Yes, I thought about killing myself before, long ago. I even put a revolver in my mouth. What stopped me is that, at the time, my children were small and I could not leave them to be raised my an abusive father. They needed me. It was the only time I ever really contemplated suicide.

  166. Thank you for this. There were so many years when suicide actually seemed like a viable option when considering how to deal with my depression. But luckily, I survived that time and I’m so happy I’m here. There is always a better day. Even if it takes a long time to get there. Thanks for all you do to make the world a better place, Jenny!

  167. I’m here because two of my suicide attempts were foiled. The first time my step-mom took off work early and came by my apartment to pick up my laundry, only to find me passed out with muscle relaxers in my system. The second time I drove my car off a bridge, out in the country, in the middle of the night, with no one around. Instead of crashing into the ravine below, *magically* my Jeep landed gently on the front wheels and cleared every large rock and every tree without my hands on the wheel. Less than a minute later flashlights surrounded my Jeep because *magically* two cops were driving down that backroad at the exact moment my headlights turned off the bridge. I am alive today because I have NO choice but believe I am here for a reason. And less than six months after driving off the bridge I found out I was *miraculously* pregnant with my boyfriend’s child, even though I was told I’d never get pregnant. I am alive today because now I know, without any doubt, that my life is precious, has purpose, and there is someone out there bigger than me, who loves me enough to ruin two separate suicide attempts.

    And my song that always grounds me and pulls me back out of darkness is, “All These Things That I’ve Done” by The Killers.

  168. I’m still here, honestly, out of arrogance and narcissism- I can’t imagine a world without ME, even if I have left virtually no imprint on it.

    I’m here because I am proud and strong and I want to be there for the people I care about, whether it is to offer a hand to hold, a smile to pass along, an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. This is especially important now, as a close relative has been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor, and I know I need to be strong for my family, just in case they need me to be.

    I don’t suffer from depression, but family members do, and friends do/have. I’ve lost people to suicide, and in one case two folks who felt like they were so trapped, their only answer was to go together, which they did. I think about them all often, and hope that I can be there for someone else before they feel like suicide is their only answer.

    Jenny, you are a strong woman, even if you don’t feel that way all of the time–and you don’t HAVE to. Your strength is in your stories and your ability to express yourself in a way that others don’t necessarily believe that they can helps us all “get out” those thoughts and feelings we can’t always express. You have your family and friends both online and off and through them you don’t have to be alone. 🙂

  169. I’m here because of my daughter. Before her, it was little people/things/ideas that would pop in my head to stop me from hurting myself. I can’t even name one song that is my go-to when things seem hopeless. My most recent “I’m-a-tough-cookie-and-can-get-through-this” song is Extraordinary Machine by Fiona Apple. It’s sort of upbeat (for Fiona Apple) and reminds me that I have always been able to rely on myself & adapt to anything, so why stop now?

  170. There was a time three years ago when I seriously considered just letting go of the steering wheel of my car and finding out who would win—- the car or the barricade.

    Thankfully after two years of therapy, support from my husband and lots and lots of exercise (for the mood enhancing benefits mostly) I am here and not battling these dark thoughts on a day to day basis.

    But they like to creep at the edges of my consciousness. When it’s a cold, gray day. Or something particularly difficult is happening. And I am grateful to that Amanda Palmer song. And a hot cup of tea. And my husband.

    The hubs and I are trying for a baby. And apparently I am ill equipped to become pregnant. We’re about to launch into a plan including fertility drugs. I could just let it wash over me. Decide I’m not worthy to be a parent anyway. But I don’t, by choice. Everyday.

  171. Thank you Jenny. I live for my kids. September 14, 2011 my life changed. It was a great day, I had my 35 week prenatal appt, everything was going along great. I got the call that night that changed my life. While my Mom was at my house watching my other kids, my 19 year old brother took his life. I was 14 when we adopted him. I helped raise him and we were great friends. I miss him so much. I never want anyone to go through the pain that I go through on a daily basis.
    Thank you for … being you!

  172. To Cat, of post 160…

    I’ve no idea who you are, nor you I. I’m in the uk and you could be down my street or halfway round the planet for all I know.

    Today you made me so proud and so happy that I’m kind of welling up, just because I know you’re still here. Thank you.

    Wishing you much love and buckets of luck,
    Marianne x

  173. I’m here because of my daughter and the guilt at what it would do to my family. My daughter is here because of your “Depression Lies” campaign. It gave me the courage to keep asking her questions until she admitted that she was planning to kill her self. I looked up the number for the suicide help line on the internet and she is now getting professional help. We battle each day, some are good and some aren’t, but you and everyone else here inspire me to keep going. Depression lies and your example reminds me daily that she can live her dreams.

    Please, if you know someone who is depressed; keep asking them questions, keep talking to them. If they can’t make the call, dial the number and hand them the phone. It’s what I had to do and it saved my daughter’s life.

  174. Beautiful, rocking post, Jenny.

    I am the middle child between two mentally ill siblings and I have long been motivated to keep it real and stay well. Loving helps. Here’s quote from Louise Erdrich :

    “Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

    ? Louise Erdrich

  175. I think most people have suicidal thoughts from time to time. I also think the person who said these thoughts are addictive is right. The best advice I can offer is talk to someone, join a club, try a new activity that opens up your social horizons for those of you who are lonely or have limited family.

  176. I haven’t had thoughts like that since I was pre-teen. 13 or 14 maybe, and it was more the thought of making people that I didn’t like sorry about things they had done to me. As I grew and matured, I did somehow find the control to let things go, and forget slights and move on with myself. I hadn’t ever thought of taking a suicide route in over 12 years.

    Now, I am a single mom with a 4 year old who is the light of my life. It’s a tough thing sometimes, though.. I’m drowning in student loan debt because of this degree that everyone said I “had” to get, because it’s what Americans do… we graduate high school and go to college and get fancy jobs and drive fancy cars and spend tons of money and keep up with the Jones’…

    I think something that really helps me through life, though, is visualization. Sometimes, when the world feels like it’s crashing down on me, and I feel like it’s weird that I haven’t burst into a thousand pieces and died from all of the stress yet, and I find that I can’t breathe very well… then I will sit down in a quiet room with a pen and a piece of paper. I will ask myself “What is the very worst thing that could happen to me through this course in my life?” Then I will think of whatever scenario I’m confronted with: I could lose my job. Run out of money. Never be able to travel, etc. [It was a job I hated- btw, I used this technique to find the courage to quit my job and pursue my passion for art and 3d design. I wanted to be home by 3 every day so that when my daughter comes home from kindergarten next year, I will be here to give her an afternoon snack and help her with her homework- as I want to be that mom for her.] Anyway, I would visualize my very worst-case scenario- “What would I do if I didn’t have any money?” I would lose my house. “Then what?” I’d have to move in with relatives or friends until I straightened my situation out. “How is that going to be so horrible?” It would be cramped, and I couldn’t do whatever I wanted when I came home. Maybe have to share a room with my kiddo… And I would continue my train of thought. “Then what?” “Then what?” And then at the end, as I’m staring down at my deepest, darkest fears, I realize that nothing is ever as bad as it seems.. and I get a new piece of paper, and I start over.. only this time, I fix the problems before they arise. “What will I do? How will I handle this? How is this situation maybe not so bad? What could these weird opportunities afford me?” It hasn’t ever gone the way I thought it was going to, and it’s never been as bad as I’ve ever been able to visualize it. I’ve even [visualized] gotten down to the scenario where I’d have to sell all of our stuff and move us to a different country- and the way this country is going, that isn’t even very scary anymore.

    I haven’t solved all of my problems, but I feel more… in control. I feel like I can conquer what comes at me from day to day. When I start to lose heart because I don’t make a lot of money, or because I don’t have a nice car.. I think about how empty my life would be if I had all of those things, but lacked the things that I have now- my beautiful daughter, my loving family, doing something I love.

    To be content with your life, even if it’s the life others scoff at you for… it’s its own kind of accomplishment. I don’t know entirely if it would help with depression- depression comes in so many forms… but I know that when I am feeling crushed and I’m having a hard time breathing.. this is the therapy I use to put myself back on track and calm the panic, and realize that I’ve got this.

    So that’s my motto. “I’ve got this.”

    You’ve all got this, too.

  177. I’m still here because my mother once told me that I wasn’t allowed to do it to HER. It really made me think what a selfish thing I might be doing. She’s gone now, but there are my husband and the surrokids still to consider. When I go to the bad place, I don’t really care about anything, but I can remember that I once felt how selfish an act it is and it holds me in place. Also, I now have drugs.
    And then there’s this:

  178. I had a, relatively mild, depression in my early twenties and I remember thinking: I do NOT want to suffer through another sixty years of this. And then I sought help, and it got better, and better, and better. Depression does lie. And although it lies really skillfully, it is still a dirty, rotten liar, and the beauty and joy of life will come back to you in a while. The grey blanket will lift.
    On a related note, did you read this beautiful letter by charstar on tumbler: a letter for the sad. Worth your while!

  179. I’m here because every morning there are worms on the sidewalk that need me to move them to the grass before the sun gets too hot, and because my developmentally disabled neighbor needs a ride to the store, and because no one else in my office knows how to fix the stinking printer in our department. I’m here because they still make Dr. Pepper, and because I have tickets to like three upcoming concerts, and because Leonard Cohen recorded “Anthem”, and because I’ve only seen the first two episodes of “Breaking Bad” and there are 44 more on Netflix. I’m here because of Harry Potter and Katniss Everdeen, because of John Lennon and Bob Dylan, because of Charles Bukowski.

    I’m here because after twenty three years of fighting this crap I’ve learned to hold on to every sweetness as a reminder that it’s not always so bad. I’m here because there are medical professionals that held back tears when I told them how very deeply I wanted to die and stood up for me when I couldn’t stand because they cared more about me than whether my insurance was going to pay.

    I’m here because I never want to say goodbye to my kids and parents.

    I’m here because people love me enough to remind me that I belong here and because one day someone I love might need me to remind them that they belong here.

  180. I don’t know why I’m still here. Maybe because of the people that love me, maybe because I’m too much of a coward to do anything, sometimes it’s because I love my life too much, and maybe it’s because I know how devastating it can be to everyone that is nearby. Maybe it’s God. Whatever it is, I’m still here and have no plans to go anywhere else at the moment. For this, I’m grateful.
    P.S. I’ve barely ever mentioned to ANYONE that I’ve even had thoughts like this so I’m a little amazed that I’ve posted it here, but knowing your struggle and that you’re willing to talk about it makes it a little easier.

  181. To paraphrase the Chantal Kreviazuk song “Surrounded”, I’m still here because the people in my life are worth sticking it out for, ’cause if they aren’t worth sticking it out for, then it makes them worse off then me. It matters not to me how deep my depression is anymore; I know that making that irrevocable choice will only tell they weren’t worth it to me, and I love them too much — and way more than my depression.

  182. Oh, and I use “Depression Lies” all the time to remind myself, and others, that it’s a giant, black, horrible, sucking, lying fucking bastard and I hate it with all of my being.

  183. For a while, it was because I couldn’t even summon the energy for that.
    Then, it was because I knew there was no way my kids would understand that I was doing it to “protect them from me” (depression is a lying motherfucker)- the only way they would know how much I loved them was if I was there to TELL them how much I loved them.
    Then, it was pride. I might be hurting, but goddamned if I was going to be the person everyone whispered about, that everyone pitied. Fuck that shit.
    Then I was okay for awhile. I was happy. It reminded me that I can be happy.
    Now every time I get to that place where all I am is pain and my brain is telling me I’ll never be happy again, I fight like hell to remember that depression is a lying asshole and that I WILL feel better.
    Sometimes it’s still really, really hard. It makes it easier when I remember that I’m not alone.

  184. Bruce Cockburn’s song, Strange Waters, although a melancholy song, it helped me let go a little – and let me cry when I was numb beyond crying. Come to find out, it’s better to be sad than numb.

  185. Please accept yourself exactly as you are. Some of those people who get everywhere on time, who read and sign all their kids’ papers, who drive minivans with vacuumed floors and Armor-all coated shiny interiors, who didn’t forget to pay their bills, get the dog to the vet for his yearly shots, and have healthy well-rounded dinners on the table at the same time every day, yeah those people, some of them are content that they have their shit together on the surface. And some of them think they found the formula, go through the motions on autopilot (while defensive-driving just slightly under the speed limit, never below a quarter tank of gas) and You Will Be Fine. But they aren’t feeling their life, one day some of them realize they are not living. They are playing a part. They got so good at cushioning away the things that were sharp and made them hurt that they cushioned away life. Just to make sure, they go home and polish off a bottle of wine while cooking dinner, to keep softening the edges on their cushioned soft life. The ones that look like they have it so much more together than you, they’re just good at looking like it. They fall apart when nobody’s looking.

  186. I was so swamped in depression and something I didn’t even realize was anxiety, especially from about age 10 to 19, and again in my early 30s when my baby was stillborn. I’ve come close to suicide a couple of times. What stopped me? the fear that someone I loved would find me. I didn’t want to die so much as to stop existing, stop taking up space. I think there are different types of depression – some are chemical/ hormonal, some are reactive to an incident that puts us in a tailspin. I’ve experienced both. Now at age 50 I’ve been on a rather small dose of Welbutrin for about 2 years, and about 6 months ago a switch sort of went off in my head. I still have some mood swings, still have moments of pain, sadness, or frustration, but it feels like within the range of manageable and normal. SO many things help – basically it comes down to acting as if I take care of myself, even when I don’t feel motivated to (yes, I’ve been in 12-step for food and alcohol about 25 years, and that was a lifesaver, too). The little things – eating healthy food, going to bed, getting out of bed, taking a shower, brushing teeth, taking a walk, planting a flower or drawing a picture – really help. WRITING really helps. Talking, face-to-face, with someone who’s been there – oh, that helps immensely. We are all, if we choose to be, wounded healers. We all have something to offer others who are suffering. As for music: sometimes I need to hear happy music to cheer me up (Baba O’Reilly by the Who). Sometimes I need to sing angry music to get it out (Down in It by 9″ Nails). Music with a basis in ecstatic love helps a lot; some songs like Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” or “Solsbury Hill”and U2’s “Window in the Sky” . And sometimes it helps to hear something deeply sad, just knowing others feel it and transcend it, singing with them, all these imaginary friends who are singing to their imaginary friends, who are us.

  187. I’m still here because of all my pets, who give me unconditional love. If I were gone, I don’t know what would happen to all of them. They are my family.

  188. Because somehow I always come out on the other side so when I’m at the bottom of the pit, I try to remember that this, too, shall pass. It also helps to have fellow nut jobs that love me and make me laugh.

  189. Beautiful, poignant and very true.
    I suffer from about 7 different mental health issues all rolled into one massively backfiring brain.
    Most of my adult life I’ve been unmedicated and when I have been medicated it’s been under medicated. Teeter-tottering with suicidal thoughts has become a silent part of my daily routine but like you I have my beautiful children who keep me anchored in my world, no matter how distorted the reality may become sometimes.

    Thank you for being so open about your struggles even and especially when it’s most difficult.
    You are a powerful inspiration weather you admit or acknowledge. I know you have been to me.

  190. I’m here because my daughter deserves a mom who is doing her damnedest to give her a healthy life. I’m here because I won’t leave her like my mom left me (not through suicide, though that was threatened several times – my mom has BPD and has decided I’m not her daughter anymore. Thus, I haven’t heard from her in years).

    I’m here because my husband knows me inside and out – and somehow, loves me anyway.

    I’m here because my therapist tells me that I have a lot to offer the world, even on days when I feel like the world would be better off without me. And she sincerely means it.

    I tell myself “It’s never too late to become the person you were meant to be.” And I try, really hard, to believe it.

    Music touches my soul. One of the songs I love most is “So Unsexy” by Alanis. Here’s a link if you’d like it:

    Sorry about the video; apparently there’s not an official one so I tried to find one that the audio quality didn’t totally suck in. 🙂 But if you haven’t heard the song, I highly recommend it. It’s my theme song.

  191. Any of you starting to believe the entire field of psychiatry is crock? I love you. You are not the label/dx they give you. Those labels are the killers. They can kill you. Fuck what ANYone thinks you are: you are perfect as you are. You are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing right now in life. This IS what you needed. Every single day in the future may be exactly the same, but for you it will be better, because you know this; you know what you’ve been through is what you needed to go through to be who you are now. You are better than what you think. Those labels are like brands to crush your lives, to make others stop taking you seriously, giving them an excuse to dismiss your every problem as something they can’t help you with because it’s being created by your defective brain. That is the lie. Your life situations are as real and harrowing as theirs. The fact they can’t take in, the reason they label you, is that yours is actually more harrowing (and most likely they don’t have the tools to help and would be helpless too…..that is the only part of the field I would participate in anymore–stay away from the chemicals, use good trained listeners if you can). You are stronger than they are. You deal with it every fucking day. You can give up fear. They can’t. They haven’t even faced it yet. I love you. You are love.

  192. I’m still here because despite how bad things can get, I’m not ready to cease existing. I refuse to give up.
    I’m still here because I finally gave myself permission to get help.

  193. I deal with my lying depression every single day and I know other people in my family do as well. My one sister has tried twice and every time I think about it I remember how I felt when I found out she had attempted to take her own life and how I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.

  194. You are amazing. Thank you for shining a light on something no one wants to talk about! It’s so important and depression is a LIAR. You just have to keep going.

  195. I’m 59 years old and no, this is not how I pictured my life would be. My daughters and my grandchildren get me thru the day. And it is day to day

  196. It may sound silly or strange, but I’ve made it this long because 12 1/2 years ago, I made a promise to a little fur person to take care of him for as long as he lived.

  197. I’m here because I could not do that to my mom or my kids or my husband.
    But now I need to MOVE. I can’t leave the house, I joined a gym a month ago, I can’t get myself in the car to go. I won’t go out with my husband because I feel so fat and ugly. I am paralyzing and sabotaging myself everywhere I turn. I don’t know how to make myself get up and MOVE. I have laundry to do, groceries to buy, my son’s birthday is tomorrow, I have done nothing, I need to go do SOMETHING. I can’t move.

  198. As a teenager, I put the gun down because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt my parents loved me; four years later, I was the pallbearer at a friend’s funeral because he didn’t feel that faith and he pulled the trigger.

    I knew I was loved and I lived. He didn’t know he was loved and he died. So tell the people you love you love them, often and well – could make all the difference.

  199. I’ve been there. It was my dog that kept me going (who else would put up with him?). Therapy, medication, support of loved ones, Emotions Anonymous, have helped me find my way out of the deep dark hole. I know I could wind up back there if I don’t stay aware of how I treat myself. One day at a time, life is getting better. I hardly ever think about suicide these days.
    Your blog is a bright spot that helps me a lot. Thanks for being you. :o)

  200. You are absolutely right, depression lies. I, just like a lot of us here, know that all too well.

    I tried killing myself Monday. My boyfriend found me in the shower with a pair of scissors and a slice on my wrist. What he didn’t know about at the time was the bottles-worth of asprin I had taken too. I’m on day 7 since then. I still want to not be here. I still want to make everything stop. I still want to curl into a ball and shut out the world. But I’m still here. I’m here despite my abusive ex-husband. I’m here despite the words and swings I still hear and see from him. I’m still here despite the depression and the darkness.

    I’m still here, depression and all.

  201. No clue why I’m still here. Maybe it’s stubbornness, cowardice, or just knowing that depression does lie, and tomorrow my head will clear long enough to enjoy the small things. All I know is that I am grateful to you Jenny, and to your many readers who comment on how depression has affected them. On more than one occasion, y’all have lifted me out of the darkness. I thank you all.

  202. I am here because goddammit I did the work, the meds, the talking, the therapy, the pulling back from the brink. I stopped cutting and started eating and even learned, after it fed and birthed 2 babies, to like my body a bit.

    I might not be here as long as I intended, though. In the ultimately ridiculous stroke of irony that is my life, I know, at 32, have breast cancer. I also have a 5 and 7 year old. Death is no longer and option, as I lay here 5 days after a mastectomy trying to regain some fighting spirit.

    Funny how life seems one hell of a lot more worth it when someone or something else takes the wheel.

  203. I’m here because I know how scared I was when I found my mom threatening suicide and I never want my nephew and niece to feel that fear. I’m here because Modest Mouse’s “Float On” and Ingrid Michaelson’s “Be Okay” give me hope and make it feel less lonely. I’m here because I have a couple of friends I can talk to about it and a couple of others that have no clue about it and because they have no clue, they don’t treat me like I’m broken. I’m here because I’ve made big plans that I’m praying will finally make me happy – the kind of happy I know I deserve – and even though I’m basically counting on a miracle, I don’t believe there’s any other option. The miracle has to come.

  204. I’m here because of my husband, who makes life worth living every day. Even the absolutely horrible days like today. And YES, DEPRESSION LIES.

    Thank you. x

  205. People who need a lot of love today are the service men and women in the U.S. military. Too many of them are choosing this way out. It’s unfair to them, their families, and their colleagues, that this issue goes on with so little attention.

    I had severe agoraphobia while in the Peace Corps. Together with nurses and in country staff, I chose to leave. I got on a plane and went home to my parents, where I was taken care of and healed. Our service men and women do not have that luxury. It pains me personally to think of them so far away and feeling so alone.

  206. I’m still here because my two cats depend on me; if I die before they do they’d end up in a shelter and at their age not be adopted and then they’d be killed and I won’t sentence them to death. I made a promise to care for them and that’s the one thing I can actually do in life. Once they’re gone, maybe I will put an end to this, but not now.

    Depression may lie, but it’s an incredibly convincing lie. And when you live with a lie long enough, it becomes truth.

  207. When I was 13 years old, my dad committed suicide. Growing up– and watching my two little brothers grow up– without a dad is something that will affect me every day for the rest of my life. It’s been 18 years since I lost my dad, and I still cry because I miss him. But one thing I can say is that my father saved me by his tragedy– and saved my kids. I have suffered some devastating and seemingly insurmountable sadnesses since that time, and many times I have felt so incredibly desperate to make the pain stop that I wanted nothing more than for my heart to just stop beating. But I lived through those moments for the simple reason that I could not put my children through the same struggle I lived through in losing a parent. My love for them is stronger than the pain, and because I know what my kids would endure if I gave in to the darkness, I will continue to fight. Sometimes it’s a strong fight with my fists raised and a smile on my face. Sometimes it’s a moment-by-moment fight, just struggling to take another breath– but still fighting. Ironically, I have now been through the very same circumstance that caused my father to give up on life. He survived 14 months after his blow was dealt. I am at 18 months.
    I, too, have a quote: “Out of suffering emerge the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars.” -Khalil Ghibran

  208. The movie Garden State. It has inspired me to make the changes I need to make instead of just sitting there, wallowing in unhappiness, because it’s easier to do nothing. It reminded me that things don’t have to be the way they are; I can do something about it. Even if it’s hard.

    “That’s life. If nothing else, its life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it’s sort of all we have.”

  209. Jenny, you are an inspiration.

    I’m still here because my friends give me hope, because the support from my friends online has been second to none, because I live with the man I love in a beautiful apartment, because I have a chinchilla who likes to sit on my head (I kid you not!) and because I have a piece of work being published.

    And a huge thank you Jenny. I re-read your book in the past couple of weeks when I’ve been at my lowest and it made me laugh harder than I thought was possible. Thank you for your posts that have been so uplifting – pictures of Tardis blue kitty claws for instances – and thank you for how honest and open you have been through your own difficult times.

  210. I read the sentence, “I’m here because my daughter saves me every day,” and about lost it sitting here at my desk at work.

    I am fortunate enough to not have to deal with depression often. Recently, with financial woes, a nasty divorce, and a broken heart, I had the worst bout of it I’ve had since my teens, and my daughter is the one that got me through. If it weren’t for her, my medicine cabinet’s call would have been so much harder to ignore, and the desire to not wake up in the morning stronger than I might have been able to handle.

    Depression lies all right. Life goes on, and it gets better. Even if I exclude my daughter’s beautiful life stretching before me with infinite possibilities I want to bear witness to, I shudder to think the beauty I would be missing right now.

  211. I read once that you should contract with yourself to hang in here as long as you have living parents or children. I have my Dad, who is 87, and two grown daughters. That idea of a contract has kept me going sometimes when not much did.

  212. My incredible family and in particular my two wonderful nephews remind me that life is amazing and that I am a role model even when I think no one is looking. I am blessed that I was given a second chance at life and I will fight each and every blue day for these amazing people.

    Depression Lies….and I don’t really want to hear its lame excuses any more!


  213. I am still here because of my daughter.

    I discovered some wonderful people on the internet that have helped me so much over the years. I kinda don’t want to let them down. That keeps me going quite often.

  214. I am here because of my daughter and husband. They give me a new reason to realize that life IS worth living, every single day.
    I am Also here because of doctor who. Man I love me some Doctor Who.

  215. Jenny, will you promise me and everyone else who cares about you that you will not harm yourself? Please promise.

    (Promise. ~ Jenny)

  216. I’m here because of my mother and my fiance who intervene when it is necessary. Even if I don’t want the help.

    The words that help me make it through are that “I deserve to feel safe in my own skin,” that “it will get better,” and that “anxiety is a lying bastard” (luckily, it works for anxiety too, which is my most prevalent issue)

    And one of the many songs that has helped to save me is Pink’s ‘fuckin perfect’

    (and to the commenter above, Tom, thank you for sharing. I know admitting out loud that you are struggling can be tough. But it helps to share it and to share it with a community of people who understand. Stay strong.)

  217. What if things on the other side are worse? We don’t really know now do we? So we have to make the best of what we have here and now because that green grass you see on the other side of the fence may just be spray painted!

  218. i have been struggling a lot lately with the wave of darkness threatening to spill over. my husband does an amazing job of allowing me to hide out and encouraging me to keep moving. i may not be pleasant to be around, but getting up does help, even if just a little bit. i have a soundtrack to my life, and the song that keeps me going changes. for the past 2 years it has been “Be Calm” by fun. “i know you feel like you are breaking down. i know it gets so hard sometimes. but be calm. take it from me i’ve been there a thousand times. you hate your pulse because it thinks you still alive. it gets so hard sometimes, be calm.” it is an amazing song.

  219. I have the same trigger and it is stupid, but I remind myself I have to leave a better legacy to my children. I’ve read that children who have a parent who commit suicide are more likely to do the same and I cannot do that to them. I may not be the best mom, but they love me regardless and I will not betray that love.

  220. Thank you, Jenny, for what you do. If anyone here is looking for some inspiring words or a place to connect, do stop by Melanie Crutchfield’s Hope Blog Relay list ( and Wanderlust ( for a blog directory of people going through all kinds of hardships…you may find something that speaks to you. I admire these women for organizing words and resources for strength the same way I admire Jenny for all she does to inspire us to push through our messes to reach the other side.

    I hope you won’t mind that I posted this info to other sites, Jenny. It takes a village not only to raise a kid, I hear, but to beat down the bitch that is depression.

  221. I promised a friend that I wouldn’t kill myself. Somedays that is all that keeps me alive. But it also helps me realize the impact I have on others. And then I think of a heart-sick message that a sobbing friend left on my answering machine. And I don’t want to hear her crying again, even if it is only one friend.

  222. I just wanted to let you all know, each and every single one of you, you are loved, you are needed and the world would be a much poorer place if you weren’t in it. Depression lies and that’s the biggest lie of them all. The world would be diminished without your presence.

  223. Thank you, Thank you so much for today’s post about suicide. My adopted son died by suicide almost 8 years ago at the age of 16 – so I do all I can on a very small level to talk about it, the stigma associated with it and mental illness. Yes, yes, you are helping the cause. Keep on keeping on!

  224. I can’t tell you how many times I remind myself, depression lies. There was a time (i found out it was hormonal) that I was so far gone, if it weren’t for my daughter and the fact that I knew she needed me so much that I probably would have done it. It was all in my head and I am glad I know that now.

  225. I’m still here because I love my friends and family, and even though i didn’t want to be in pain anymore, I couldn’t stand the thought of putting them through that.
    Now I’m still here because I wont let some stupid demon pull me down and make me do horrible things to myself! #SuckItShirley

  226. My family saves me. Things that help: the poetry of Rilke, and the movie Babette’s Feast.

  227. Thank you for this post.

    The phrase that’s got me through some rough times is; This too shall pass.

    I’m a quaker, and there’s a couple of passages of Faith and Practice (the Britain yearly meeting version) that remind me of what’s important and got me through my mother’s illness and death and some bouts of depression. (It’s more a book of … other people’s thoughts than a do and don’t book). One in particular;

    F&P 21.67


    I was terrified I’d break down.
    I did.
    It didn’t matter.

    Rosalind M Baker, 1986

    The song I listened to most when I was angry with God, the world and everything was Chop Suey, by system of a down. Very angry and angsty but singing that at the top of my lungs helped me scream out all my rage and pain and fear and left me drained but … better.

    BTW if you feel up to adding it to your post – and maybe other people have suggestions for other countries? – if people in the UK need someone to talk to, right now, with no judgement or pushiness then there’s the Samaritans. you can email them (good if you don’t feel up to talking), phone them UK: 08457 90 90 90 ROI: 1850 60 90 90 or find a local branch.

  228. I love music, movies, and helping people.

    Things I like:

    Donnie Darko
    Garden State
    Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

    The First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes
    At The Bottom of Everything by Bright Eyes
    Into The Ocean by Blue October

    A place I feel I can get and give help:
    Nerdfigheria – vlogbrothers – for talking to people like myself

    I like a lot of sad movies and sad music, because I find it healthy to feel sad and to cry (without excess). Letting myself feel helps me stay away from depression. Sometimes it’s just hard to know how much is too much.

    living with bipolar,
    Timothy A. Zorn

    P.S.: DFTBA (Don’t Forget To Be Awesome)

  229. I’m still here because no one will love my evil geriatric cats as much as I do. And I finally learned the truth of a saying I used to hate.
    Nowhere is it written “and then it came to stay”. It’s always “And then it came to pass.” And this will, too.

  230. Why am I still here??? Ummm because SOMETIMES my repetitive thoughts are FUN and I wonder how my story will actually end. On a GOOD DAY I might hear (in my 24/7 brain player) a fun song like “All Together Now” On a BAD DAY when I am feeling bad that I am feeling bad there is No Song. Nothing. It is a dark hole of emptiness that only “mistakes” like to hang out in. When I reflect upon that space and I start to make my way out of it I refer to it as “feeling lower than a snakes belly in a wagon wheel rut.” (it’s an easy visualization for me)
    Today I raise a toast of “well done” to all who have a gremlin (or two) who like to ride piggy back with them and REFUSE to yield to the inner lying horrible not very nice at all whisperings of that demon!
    Than you Jenny for being an awesome HUMAN BEAN! Zooming much love at ya.

  231. Elton John’s Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me is my song to hear when I am in a bad place.

    I’ve seen the after-effects of suicide and they’re devastating. While I’ve always felt tremendous sorrow for the individual – the pain that takes them to that place – it’s the thought of those after-effects on the ones left behind that make me certain that it’s not an answer or an option.

    We struggle on.

  232. My dogs, and drugs, help me to get up every day! Once I’m out of bed, I can take one step at a time! I also don’t make long term plans bc it’s stressful!

  233. Five years ago, I died while undergoing a pretty simple procedure. Thanks to my quick-thinking surgeon and his staff, I made it back to annoy the crap out of my loved ones for a little while longer. Despite an on again/off again battle with depression, I don’t know that it’ll ever seem that bad again. It’s a nice place to visit, but I don’t’ want to move there yet, y’know?

  234. I believe what helps me the most is when someone truely believes, and reminds me that THERE IS HOPE! Hopelessness is my worst enemy. If I can be reminded that hope does exist, I can begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel again. It reminds me that I am worthy. The link “There is help” on this blog helped me find that hope this time.

  235. I am here because of my 3 little girls <3

    Some of the words that get me through are “I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” ? Dr. Seuss

    The songs that help me through are pretty much anything by 10 Years. I just put my iPod on and shut out the world for a little awhile.

    I am lucky enough that my husband can tell when I am about to go spiraling down and he lets me do what needs to be done so that I can be a better mom and wife once I am out of it. Thank you for giving me something to read and hold onto to. I found you when I was googling suicide and you helped save my life.

  236. I’m here because of me. No one else really made the choice for me one way or the other. We all create our own reasons to stay or to go. I think once you decide to go, no one can really stop you. Understanding and acceptance is the only thing that actually rings true to a depressed person. Anything else is quickly seen as what it is: surface concern, false sentiment, etc. Thanks for being one of the ones who understands, Jenny.

  237. I’m glad you’re still here.

    I’m still here because I am curious. To the point of masochism, probably.

    When things were the absolute worst, I always wondered what the next day would bring. I’d made it this far, through some seriously shitty things. I figured I could go another day, and who knows, maybe something different/interesting/downright freaking awesome would happen. And even if not, and it’s more of the same, I’d made it through before, I could do it again.

    And you know what? It paid off. I’m the proud mother of three amazing, beautiful, downright freaking awesome kids. I have a good life, and I think I’m a pretty good person. I’m glad I’m still here, too. 🙂

  238. My mother is still here because my dad was able to save her in time. She says she is still here now because she wants to be and works every day to battle back her demons. I am still here to save my kids from my in-laws.

  239. Hi Jenny. I have been suffering from severe depression my entire life, even as a child, but I did my best to hide it, I was ashamed of it and felt like I was too smart to feel so out of control with these awful thoughts. When I was little, I heard many times from my parents, who didn’t know what was going on inside of me, to stop being so sensitive. That made me just stuff it inside. The one and only time I almost killed myself was when I was 26 and my kids were 1 and 4. I felt like a total loser, I had a wonderful husband, incredible children, why was I so damn sad and deep in the abyss in pain, the black cloud over me all enompassing. I was planning how I was going to do it, but I didn’t want to leave my kids and have them face the nightmare of living with the after-affects, so I called out to God, “HELP ME!” Then I blacked out (I was in the car by myself, planning to drive off a cliff.) When I came to, no more feelings of killing myself. I am on disability for depression now, 25 years later, taking the right medications, getting help, have support of some good friends, family knows about it now. Keeping it a secret is devestating. I have 2 little grandsons now, who I love so much and I want to see them grow and thrive and know their grandmother’s love. My children are 28 and 31 and they want me in their lives. I don’t ever want to give up 10 minutes before the miracle happens. A fave song that has helped me is . A song that helps is, “I’m Yours,” by Jason Mraz.

  240. Mary Chapin Carpenter- Almost Home.

    “There’s no such thing as no regrets, but baby it’s alright”

    The whole song, I listen to it far too often. It helps me feel peaceful. It reminds me that no matter how bad it is, I’m on the road. I’m healthier than I was. My son is older, sleeping more. I’m getting the rest that helps my mind untie itself. I have friends who care, and notice when I’m too quiet. I’m not in pain. I need to let go of all the little things that give me anxiety.

    Almost home. I’ll find that peace, one day. In my soul, and when I do, I’ll be home and I won’t need this song any more.

  241. There was a poem I was given when I was hospitalized for bulimia and substance abuse. To this day it gets me through the darkest times.

    i can’t go on
    i mean
    i can’t go on
    i really
    can’t go on
    i swear
    i can’t go on

    i guess
    i’ll get up
    and go on.

    –Dory Previn

    I’m glad I did go on, and that I make the conscious decision to do so each and every day. Although there were times it felt the world was ending, something beautiful was always waiting just beyond the horizon.

  242. I am here because my siblings believed in me. My brother and my sister are both dead from a genetic disease; each would have done anything to live longer and more. They loved me and I love them still. I live knowing that I do so for all of us. No matter that my sister is dead over 20 years and my brother almost 10, we will be a pack of three always. I cannot end my own life knowing that Craig and Laura were desperate to extend theirs. It would be so unfair.

  243. I wrote about this too. I’m here because I have chosen to be. You have helped me along the steep road out of the abyss and I am forever thankful Jenny.

  244. The first thing that came to mind was my therapist. She has definitely saved my life. Just to know she is with me, she believes in me, she doesn’t leave, she standing strong beside me when the World collapse around me, is enough to keep me somewhat sane. I’m getting better step by step and there are numerous things that have helped me through, but she was the first I thought about.
    That says a lot about how important a really good therapist is. People like her saves others.

  245. I’m still here because I knew my family would be devastated to lose me– why do one more crappy thing?

    I realized recently that in my darkest times, what I really want isn’t to die– I want to live. I haven’t been living, I’ve been muddling through. So dying won’t give me what I want. I want to really, truly LIVE instead.

  246. I’m here because I learned to take those thoughts and put them in a box for later in the day. Then sit down, work through them and move on. I find there is “as needed” help on the internet –
    I’m also here because I know I”m not alone in this process – and hearing others struggles and solutions – and successes, helps me through.

  247. You’ve helped me so much by teaching me that depression lies. That the negative thoughts I have about myself are malfunctioning neurons, not rational syllogisms. The other thing that helps is Stephen Fry’s open letter on depression: “it’s raining inside right now. You can’t stop the rain, but the sun will come out again.” And my daughter and son save me in my darkest moments, because I know that no matter how horrible I think I am, their lives would be infinitely worse if they had to live with the knowledge that their mommy killed herself. It’s not a positive thought, but it’s sometimes the push I need to stay alive.

  248. My spouse died without warning in late January. Tomorrow, we would have been together for 14 years. I’m in a legal fight for what’s mine and I miss him with every breath I take, but I will not succumb to despair, if only for those who love me. They say it will get better, so I hold on to that.

  249. “The Firebird Suite” by Igor Stravinsky
    I imagine the story of a pheonix. They are beautiful and radiant, but they must always die and be reborn. They are a never ending cycle, as am I. I always listen to that song and remind myself that I am also a pheonix, and I WILL rise from the ashes of depression. I remind myself that there is an end to the pain, because I will always be reborn and happy again.
    I also remember this blog and Jenny’s book. I tell myself, “If she can do it, so can I.”

  250. I am here because I am the only person my tabby truly trusts, and I can’t abandon him.
    I am here because someone loved me enough to have the sense to ignore me when I tried to push him away.
    I am here because a complete stranger on the internet posted a poem that made sense, and became a friend because I emailed him to say thank you.
    I am here because I have art to make, stories to read, people to meet, and I haven’t drank rum in the Caribbean yet.

    I am here because 9 suicide attempts failed before I decided that I’m not done yet, and dammit depression’s a lying bitch, and I refuse to let it win.

    I may also get “I still have a tattoo to get…” tattoed, as a reminder.

  251. I have many friends who feel depressions claws ripping at their skin. When it hurts them, it hurts me too. When I found out I had cancer, I thought about how maybe this was how suicide and depression victims felt. How it looked as though any path you took was going to end.
    But then I went off the path.
    You have to try to see every option that you have. You have to look at the world for all the good things in it, as well as the bad. A lot of times, the bad things make the good ones stand out even more. Life will throw some ape-crazy shit at you, but if you come out like a ultra bad-ass ninja chick swinging your plasma sword while unicorns dressed up like John Stamos throw exploding confetti-bombs into the air while bacon rains from the sky, you’re the shit.
    And no one can take that away from you.
    You’ve just got to keep chugging.
    Because life is a highway.
    And we’re gonna ride it.

    All night long.

  252. How To Be Alone by Tanya Davis

    I couldn’t get out of bed without listening to this for most of a year.

  253. My family, boyfriend, friends, all of you and my cats save me. I have been in dark times and have come close a few times to just giving in, but there has always been somebody to grab me back. One of my friends gave me this saying because it made me laugh and because she knows how much I love cats. “depression lies but cat purrs dont.” silly but effective. Sometimes I have totake it day by day, but I’ve learned that I may be stronger than I think I am.

    I love all of you wonderful people. Hugs and cyber desserts all around.

  254. has a free mentoring program, if anybody out there doesn’t already know about it. All their mentors have had depression themselves, so they understand where you are coming from and will never tell you to snap out of it.

  255. I’m here because I haven’t accomplished what I need to. It’s my depression that holds me back and wraps fear around me until I’m frozen, preventing me from moving forward and accomplishing too much too fast. It would be nice though if it gave me a little breathing room 😉

  256. When I was 15 years old a relative committed suicide.

    I think in the 1970’s there weren’t as many resources available.

    I still miss her.

  257. I’ve been dealing with depression and S.I. since forever. i started hurting myself in second grade. I’ve never been suicidal, I don’t know why. So maybe I’m not the best to make an “I’m still here because” post. But here goes.
    I’m still here because the world is a wondrous place and I don’t want to miss anything. I’m still here because I have hope for tomorrow. I’m still here because I want all the naysayers to eat their fucking words. I’m still here because I want to see what my fellow Lawsbians do next ;). I’m still here because Auntie Mame said Life is a banquet and I don’t want to starve. I’m still here because there is so much to love in the world. I’m still here.

  258. I’m here mainly because of my kids and family. I’m not suicidal now but about nine years ago I was, and I absolutely would not have gotten through it without them.

    Words that helped: Psalm 62 (God is our refuge). Also, a friend suggested a make a book of things that made me happy to carry around with me, so I got a small notebook and taped photos in, and wrote quotes and song lyrics and anything that made me feel better, and it really did help a lot. Writing and talking also helped immensely – just to get all that misery OUT. I have a saint of a sister who let me stay with her and listened to me spew nothing but misery for five months while I tried to put my life back together.

    One of the many songs I listened to over and over that helped was “Joining You” by Alanis Morissette.

    I still deal with depression and anxiety quite a bit, but now I’m married to someone who is very patient and understanding and has also taught me some ways to deal with it better. He was also suicidal years ago, and is still here mainly because he didn’t want to leave his cat with no one to take care of her.

  259. I used to live for my dog. I lived because se needed me to take care of her. Se was a rescue dog from the SPCA. Then I had a daughter, and living was even more imperative in that I took far fewer risks in my life. When I had my son, out of wedlock, I stopped speaking with and more importantly listening to my mother. It was only then I was able to get her negativity out of my head. I was never good enough. I was never successful. I was never someone to be proud of until I got her and her judgements and doubt out of my head. I was programmed since birth to be depressed. Let’s not do that to our future daughters and granddaughters? Let’s teach them to see and poor out and comment on all that is wonderful, beautiful and light in this world. Let’s teach them giving someone a compliment is far more satisfying than talking trash about people when you think they aren’t listening. Let’s teach them to be the light in the world.

  260. I too, am still here because of my sons. But it doesn’t stop me going to bed every night not caring if I wake up in the morning.

  261. I have had several bouts of depression throughout my life and have often thought of suicide as an option. Today, when I look at my two beautiful daughters, I can say that I’m glad that I didn’t do it. I have a husband who suffers from depression and has had suicidal thoughts to the point that we had to sell the guns in our house. Each day we try to remind each other of the good in our lives and why we keep going even when it looks bleak. I also have had those in my life who have lost a parent or other loved one to suicide and I remember how they look and feel when they talk about it. I don’t want to leave anyone I love with that look.

    That’s what keeps me going. 🙂

  262. I’m still here because my offspring and hubby give me a reason to fight EVERY FRIGGIN’ DAY!
    The words that give me strength are, “Live well, Love much, Laugh often.” They’re my mantra and remind me what I’m supposedd to be doing.
    The song that I turn to is “Sweet Spot” by Antje Duvekot. AWESOME song!
    Thank you for your amazing bravery, every day!

  263. What gets me through is knowing that I don’t want to die. I just want the problems to end and sometimes dying seems like the only way to do that. I’m here because of my husband, and my dogs.
    I’m here because if I wasn’t, my mother would be calling my husband 8 times a day instead of me, and I wouldn’t push that off on anyone.

  264. Listen, I rarely comment on blogs. But you are amazing. You really are. I know that must be hard to believe sometimes and mind you, I am no cheerleader lets-all-hug-and-kumbaya-bs person. I’ve dealt with depression and my teen has too. I’ve never been suicidal but I’ve wasted years unable to light a fire under my butt, kwim? It overtakes your life. So in any case, I wanted to thank you for speaking up, for opening up your life to others, and for putting it out there with a face on it. You fucking rock. PS I’m a new fan, I picked up your book (saw the interview with Jen Lancaster, whom I worship). Just read it this weekend and stumbled on the blog. Here’s some food for thought — everyone tells me I am really really funny. Like, I’ve had to call 911 cause I made people choke — more than once. (Note: do not be so witty when people are eating.) And I’ve often thought that the depression has something to do with it. It sharpens your wit and it becomes a way to cope. Life is strange and demented, isn’t it?

  265. The weather is beautiful where I live today. I’ve been in a good mood all day, for no apparent reason.
    I am going to think of the weather as the universe reminding people of how beautiful it is to be alive.

    I never intended to live this long. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I have memories as far back as four years old. That’s a long time to be depressed. I only recognized it as a teenager. But looking back, what I was feeling as a child was also depression. As a young teen I never intended to let myself get past 25. I figured I’d give myself that long to see if things ever get better. But I had my son when I was 19. I was post-partum on top of the regular daily depression. I was treated for post partum but have never addressed the daily depression with a doctor. I don’t medicate, unless you count chocolate.

    I have had a new plan since my son was born. He is 13. The plan states: I have to wait until he is grown at which time we will revisit the issue and possibly modify or nullify the plan.

    But I already know that as long as my son is in the world I can’t leave him. Even when I think about how he will grow up and move away, I always want him to have a place to come home to and he wouldn’t have that if I wasn’t here to provide it. And I want to see my grandbabies.

    I think that as much as I want to stop “fighting the good fight”, I found my reason to keep trudging along. “You know, Trudging. To trudge. To Trudge: the slow weary depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in his life except the impulse to simply soldier on.”

    It is a heavy burden to carry daily. Most days I feel like Sisiphus. (NOT syphilis — two completely different things!) I find that laughing at inappropriate times/things helps lighten the load. And this website certainly provides that most days. Also, chocolate.

    Thank you, Jenny. And to all who post here.

  266. I had a moment Saturday while visiting an old ruined castle. Was having a rough patch with my husband and I was looking out over a crumbled wall overhanging a river, one that was a looooong way down and I thought a brief passing thought of, “what if I just climbed over this and jumped?” It’s hard feeling like you are completely useless and have no value in anyone’s life.

    Thanks for sharing Jenny.

  267. Thank you Jenny! The Depression Lies bracelet helped me get through my last bout of depression much more quickly than usual. I made a new every time I was feeling bad and wore it to remind myself that everyone doesn’t hate me. It really helped me, and I thank you for everything you’ve done, for me and for your other readers.

  268. I’m so thankful that you are willing to talk about these things. I’ve been suffering a bit more than usual these last few months. I even wrote my first blog about it because you’ve written about it and seemed to get such a good response, instead of the awful one I was expecting. So thank you for having the courage to speak up when most of us don’t.

  269. My husband suffers from chronic migraines. The slightest change in weather or pollen can set off a headache. He also suffers from depression, and there are days when he is so tired of hurting, of living that it breaks my heart. I always hold him and cry, and repeat to him the words that keep us fighting through the pain and sadness: “Life might be easier without you, but it wouldnt be better.” – Victor.
    Give him a kiss for me.

    Jessie Olsen

  270. My sister committed suicide. Knowing how painful that was, I will never do that to anyone else. There’s help, if you can find the strength to ask.

  271. My daughter recently had to go through a heart surgery. On a wall in the hospital was this sentence written:
    Your best memories still lie in your future.
    Collecting memories is what keeps me going through every day at the moment. Save the picture of my laughing daughter in my mind so it can take the place of one of my dark thoughts.

  272. I’m still here because of my uni personal tutor….he doesn’t know that he saved my life, but everytime I see a biker or see a Frys Peppermint Cream bar I think of him and smile. Sometimes I wonder whether I should tell him…then I change my mind…perhaps one day.

  273. I am here because of my kids – even having to do the mundane things for them like laundry and making a sandwich helps me get through.

    Your quote has helped me immeasurably – depression lies. I say it to myself often.

    Looking at pretty home design magazines helps me through. I lose myself in the pretty pages and it lifts me up. Also, watching this lego animation of Eddie Izzard’s Death Star Canteen comedy makes me laugh even when I don’t want to.

  274. I’m here because of my friends’ dad. He killed himself last summer, and this next bit sounds silly but I’d never realised how *permenant* it was and just how much you give up. He missed seeing his children get outstanding A Levels and go to university. He will never be able to congratulate them on exam results or celebrate birthdays or Christmas or even just walk the dog with them. He left a gaping hole in their family and impacted hugely on everyone them. I went to his funeral, and remember looking at all the people crying and wishing, and thinking that if he’d known how many people cared maybe he wouldn’t have done it. His eldest son helped carry the coffin, and in that moment I knew that however low I get and however much I want to crawl into the hole and make it go away, I could never do that to the people I love.

    So, I think that’s a long-winded way of saying I’m here because of the people I love. I want to get married and have children. I want to be a writer, to cook and have pets and go for walks with my family through parks full of Autumn leaves. I will make this happen, and I can’t do that if I’m not here.

    Don’t let go. When I need to focus I read this blog or write my own, watch Disney films from my childhood and have baths with books and facemasks. Depression lies, and you can beat it too.

  275. This is timely because 3 years ago on the 9th my cousin killed himself. A year later I was in the hospital myself for an attempt. I am here because of my supportive and loving family.

  276. I’m here because I want my sister’s kids to remember they’re only aunt- and they are too young right now to do that. (When they get old enough to, I’ll find another reason.)

    The words that help me get through it are “one more day” and i say it every day.

    There’s no song that helps (because I’m deaf) but unexpected hugs from my sons, niece and nephew are the light that leads me through the dark.

  277. At some point everyday grief and depression wash over me and I think of about a billion ways to leave this earth. But for the love of my family and knowing what it would do to them, I remain here.

  278. I have been depressed for years. I shut myself away from the world to the point that I no longer have any friends. I have been close to suicide but I’m not anymore. Someone once told me that suicide is still going to be an option tomorrow but only as long as I live through today. I know that sounds crazy but it helps me. I can make it through anything because at the end of the day I know I’m not stuck, I have options. I did therapy and meds but I can’t afford that stuff anymore. I can’t say how important that is for people. So go get help if you need it, but if you’re like me you have to find another way. I started working out. Even just going for a walk will help. Activity makes you happy. And the best way I found to feel better is to help someone else. So many people wrote that they are here because of a child or a pet. Consider that having someone depend on you is a reason to live. Volunteer, get a rescue animal, or anything that helps someone else and you may find that you have a reason to be alive. And if you are teetering on the edge all you have to do is reach out to anyone here and someone will pull you back. Someone like me.

  279. im here because i found a medication that works for me. this has been ongoing for the past 20+ years, with a couple good years here and there, so im crossing my fingers it keeps working this time, as a few times in the past others have stopped. when im down in it, theres nothing that can give me hope. i hang on for dear life, and know that it will pass. when im up above it, i enjoy it for all its worth, because nothing in life is permanant, except death. also, being an alcoholic, learning about that, staying sober, and going to lots of meetings, helps me to keep my mind where i can see it, helps me to stay positive, work through problems, and focus on what is really important.

  280. oh oops I didn’t add my reason.

    Honestly the reason I never attempted suicide is just fear. I’m terrified of pain and after some research discovered that suicide is harder to pull off than movies make it seem. Unfortunately I don’t have any warm and fuzzy stories to share.

    Another reason is simply curiosity. I always wonder wonder wonder if something cool will happen that will change everything or at least make it easier to get up in the morning. I seem to be accomplishing all of those small modest goals I come up with, so who knows, right? Never know if I don’t try.

  281. I’m still here because even though I’ve always had underlying issues with staying alive (ever since I was little), I’ve also been given the gift of being afraid of everything that might potentially kill me. And every time my fear wins, life gets better after that.

    Also, the kindness of strangers. One night, in the middle of the night, after bad night in an abusive relationship, a stranger came out of nowhere to help me scrape the ice off my car when I was in the mood to do horrible things with it and I wondered what he’d think if he knew he was helping me die faster. Before he left me, he said, “Promise me you’ll be ok. Promise,” and he waited for me to promise. And I keep my promises, so… He just came out of nowhere and I never saw him again.

  282. I’ve had depression since I was around 13 years old. I’ve had to deal with it myself on and off since then since my parents didn’t believe me, they thought it was a “phase” or “hormones” because of my age. When I got my own job I was able to get help, but it’s still been on and off.

    A few weeks ago I had a very bad time with my depression. I wanted to cut. I wanted to die. Instead of reaching for a knife, I reached for your book. I read it. I connected with you. The urge to cut and to kill myself slowly faded and I finished your book within a few days, reading between sleeping.

    The first days for me are always the most brutal, with the most suicidal thoughts. You helped me through it with your book. Thank you so much for understanding, for writing, for sharing, for being honest with us. If it weren’t for you I’m not sure I would even be sitting here right now.

  283. I stood at the precipice and chose to come back I live because husband saved my life, and I wouldn’t want to disrespect all that he’s done for me. I live because choosing not to would be a terrible thing to do to my family.

    I know I can’t always do it by myself. When it gets dark, I’ve learned to reach out and get whatever it takes to turn the lights back on. Every day is a gift. I live because life really is worth it. No matter how dark it gets, it will always get bright again.

  284. On February 26th of this year, I attempted suicide. What saved my life? My future flashing before my eyes. I saw everything I’ve ever wanted coming true, so I had my boyfriend rush me to the hospital, and the rest is history. Suicide is a taboo topic, but it’s one that needs to be discussed. Show support for World Suicide Prevention Day, wear yellow and/or write “love” on your arms. Remember: Depression is a lying bitch! Things will get better, it’s not always going to be this rough.

  285. I don’t know why I’m still here. My son is a factor, fo sho. But the kid’s only been around for three years. Guess I got lucky before him.
    I do know why it’s easier to be here. And that’s because of this wildly and wondrously unhinged community of outcasts and weirdos that you’ve brought together. Knowing there are so many others out there feeling the same way makes it all more palatable.
    Thanks for being the Ringmaster at the best big top the internet has to offer.

  286. Okay, so I’ve been reading this for a while now, but I’ve never commented before. I just wanted to say that I’ve been struggling, mostly silently, with depression my whole life, and your reminder that “depression lies” has inspired me to get into therapy and get myself some help. So thank you, so much, for talking so publicly about an illness that affects so many, but makes so many of us (or at least makes me) feel alone.

    Thank you.

  287. I didn’t realize today was World Suicide Prevention Day. This morning I just confessed to my boyfriend (the first person I’ve told this too) that I’ve been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. I’d been afraid to tell him before because I felt like I’d be burdening him with a situation I should be able to handle on my own. He is one of the reasons I tell myself to keep going, though (who would pick up the dirty socks if I wasn’t around???), and just knowing I have an ally makes all the difference.

  288. having lost friends to suicide i deeply appreciate your post; if you feel nobody cares call, people care; if you feel something is off with a friend call, you may be saving a life.

  289. Thank you. Because of you “Depression Lies” is one of my survival phrases.

    “Life isn’t about surviving the storm, it’s learning to dance in the rain.” is my constant reminder. I’ve struggled with low-grade depression since at least high school, which means for me it always feels like it’s raining. I can’t just try to weather the storm, because the storm never seems to go away. At least this way, every now and then, I try to dance my way through.

    The image of the phoenix is another reminder for me. Some people connect with the phoenix after a bad relationship, divorce or other major life loss. But the phoenix is a creature that continuously burns to ash and is born again from it’s own ashes. If that isn’t a metaphor for living with depression, I don’t know what is.

  290. Sometimes I have to remind myself that if I were to actually do it, then the husband I’d left behind would think me selfish. He’d never understand the terrible weight and illness that convinced me that it was actually the best option, that he’d be better off without me. Knowing that he would be angry with me reminds me that there’s someone who cares enough to get angry, who loves me enough to miss me, and that helps.

  291. Lately I feel like everything I do has a plan b. Plan b is always the same. It involves a length of rope, a chair, and a big tree in the backyard. I’m still here though. I think partially it’s because I’m a big coward, but partially it’s because I don’t want to put my parents and sister through the kind of anguish that I’d leave for them if I took plan b.

    I just wish there was a way to make the doom and the darkness go away. If someone could put optomism and happiness in a pill they’d get rich.

  292. I have to be here for my Mom; she’s 80 years old and has been fighting depression since she was in her thirties and I was a small child. Once my Dad passed away I knew that If I weren’t here to talk her down from suicide, I’m not sure who would. Not only does depression lie, it gets handed down from mother to daughter and from mother to son. Thankfully, we all have our meds to keep us sane, but I still worry about my Mom. She becomes forgetful and doesn’t take her meds.
    Thanks for giving me a place to share this.

  293. I’ve been off and on anti-depressants since my early 30’s and I am now in my mid-50’s. I have been doing a lot of reading about food – real and processed – and how it affects our bodies and am now convinced that a lot of depression may be caused by 2 simple things – sugar and wheat-based products. I would be so curious to see if eliminating these from our diets would result in better or more manageable mood issues. Your thoughts?

  294. Oh, I almost forgot. I’m also here because my step-dad is my biggest cheerleader and while he has no idea I deal with depression, from the beginning of the 13 years and counting that he’s been in my life, he’s always said to me, “Whitney, you’re tough – you got this.” And it’s his voice saying those words that I hear whenever I’m tired, scared, and wanting to give up. I’m tough. I’ve got this. And so do you all.

  295. I am completely giddy with joy when I saw your post about World Suicide Awareness Day. I lost my father to suicide at the age of 12. Every day is a struggle. Until I reached adulthood, I blamed myself and was terrified suicide was heredity because I didn’t know the facts. No one talks about the black sheep in the room, we just sweep it under the rug. This causes it to happen over and over and over again. Thank you for supporting awareness. Thank you for letting people know that living matters. <3

  296. Jenny, you continue to amaze me with your bravery and desire to bring this to the forefront. This is something you will be very interested in. This is what I call ‘Social’ responsibility: Facebook Vice President-Global Public Policy Marne Levine spoke at a press conference at the National Press Club today about their company’s involvement in the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention. The event kicked off the new National Strategy for Suicide Prevention.

    I love this. Social media may wind up being the thing that brings mental health issues out of the dark ages. Sign me up for any initiative along those lines.

  297. During a very dark time I went to an online forum for the surviving family members of people who committed suicide. After reading some of those posts, I made a conscious decision that I will not let my daughter feel that anger and bewilderment (why wasn’t I enough of a reason to live for) that so many expressed.

  298. For those of you writing that your children get you through the darkest hours – I will share with you that my stepdaughter was 11 at the time of my late husband’s suicide. And her first thoughts and words were, “Why wasn’t I enough?” Please hang on for your kids. Don’t think for even ONE MINUTE that they, or any of your loved ones, would be better off without you. IT SIMPLY IS NOT TRUE.

  299. I’m here because I don’t want my niece to grow up wondering why her Aunt left her. I’m here because I wont let the man who raped me win. I’m here because I believe I can do something good for someone else even when I can’t for myself. I am here because I am loved. When I feel lost, I feel like a kite floating away. I always ask my parents and friends to hold my strings and they do. That’s how I keep from feeling totally out of control. Someday I will get a tattoo of a kite flying with someone holding the string. For now I look at my infinity tattoo and remember that I am connected to everyone. There have been depressed people who have had wonderful lives despite it who have lived before me, there are ones living now, and there will be ones in the future. I have to strive for that.

  300. Jenny, thank you so much for your post and for your honesty. My husband completed suicide five months ago and every day my four year old daughter and I struggle with the lasting, devastating effects of mental illness. You are right…depression does lie and distort reality. A handsome, funny, intelligent man with a loving wife and devoted daughter couldn’t see the difference between his pain and his life. So ending one, meant ending the other. As I try to work through the trauma of his unexpected loss and the grief inherent in any death, I have also learned that suicide is still a taboo subject in our society. People treat his death as less than, whisper how he died, and go to great lengths to avoid me or avoid mentioning him to me. It is crazy! I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for discussing this and bringing it to the public conscience.

    On a happier note, these are the positives that keep me moving ahead, when the weight of everything seems too much: Seeing my daughter’s sweet, silly, adorable face; music…all sorts of music (Bright Eyes, Bach, the Beatles); a good book…yours was one of the first I read when I finally had the composure to sit and read again!

  301. Thank you, Jenny. I am in day 3 of a crash. It’s amazing how physically painful it is. Today is the beginning of the climb out. Today I can recognize that the ‘ground glass’ in my body needs to be swept out with tears. The physical pain is accompanied by emotional numbness. I know I’m getting better when I start to feel again, react again, when a song can make me cry.

    Thank you, Jenny. You are one of those things that save my life.

  302. I have spent the last three years trying to convince my 15-year old that life is worth living. She is horribly bullied and picked on because she is gay. This includes a lot of parents, teachers and school administrators. It’s hard to convince a teenager that things get better when she sees so many people who hate and condemn. Seeing the comments from this blog reminds us both that there is so much more good, move love, and more compassion in the world than not . Please do your part to keep our LBGT youth alive – if not acceptance, please teach love and tolerance to your children and community. We will all be better for it.

  303. Jessie’s post reminded me of something I wanted to say but forgot. Those words from Victor: “Life might be easier without you, but it wouldnt be better.” have stuck with me too. Tell him he wins too.

  304. As my late husband used to say, “could be a little bit better, could be a whole lot worse”, and so life is. I’m one of the lucky ones and wish hope and bravery and fingernails strong enough to hold on with to all.

  305. I should have been born on International Bacon Day. Sharing a birthday with suicide awareness day AND having it fall on a Monday this year is a double whammy. No judging, I’m eating the entire cake. THE ENTIRE CAKE!

  306. I am here because I was saved by Jesus. I am here because I am a wife, mother,an aunt, a sister, daughter, cousin, niece, friend. When I was a teenager I had many dark days. when I thought no one loved me. when I thought people would be better off without me. when I thought I was so alone. I look into the face of my child, into the eyes of my wonderful husband. I even see the excitement in my two crazy cats when I come home from a long trip… I am here because all those people (and cats)and the Lord Jesus love me – and because I love them. I have everything to live for and more. 🙂

  307. I was just wondering today if you were aware of the awesomeness otherwise known as Amanda Palmer. That’s one of my fav songs too. Acceptance – it’s a life skill. My mantra – “Love is my superpower.” Gotta keep on keeping on. Thank you, Jenny!!

  308. Very seriously, I have been saved, in large part, by you. Thank you for caring & thank you for this place.

    [BTW, it’s also a trigger for me.]

  309. I lost one of my oldest and dearest friends to suicide about a month and a half ago. This summer has only seemed to get worse since then and I’ve been more depressed than I can remember. Hearing these stories and people sharing their words of strength helps me — knowing that there’s someone else who stays alive for the sake of seeing the next episode of Doctor Who, that someone else finds comfort in making lists. I’m scared to try, because I’m scared to fail. But today I’m thinking of all the things that have only come into my life recently, and that tomorrow I might find something new to love, something new that excites me. I started reading Neil Gaiman two years ago, and he’s my favorite author. I found this blog after that, and it makes me happy and gives me inspiration for what I would like to accomplish. “The Nerdist” podcast and videos have brought so much fun and happiness to my life for less than a year. If all these things are so new to me and mean so much, there must be more to come. And this post reminded me of that. Thank you.

  310. Thank you for taking the time to make this important topic more widely understood. Today is an important day, but we should be able to recognize every day as an important step in reducing the stigma on on psychiatric symptoms. They’re real, and they are hard to live with. Until we all acknowledge that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it will not get the attention it deserves.

  311. My husband saves me every day. There is this really beautiful word art he found of two hands holding each other. One is talking about how it doesn’t fully understand but it wants to be there and be a rock. The other hand is all about depression. Every time I see it I am so moved it makes me cry. The first time I saw it was when I had come home and he had made it his desktop on his computer. He called me over because he wanted to show it to me. Just knowing that he understood shook me at my core and I knew somehow it was all going to be ok – whether I liked it or not. Depression and Anxiety are something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Most days are fine. It’s those days when I am trapped in the bathroom sobbing and almost miss my plane somewhere that really suck. Thank you for making this ok to talk about – it is a problem. We are not just odd or peculiar. I’ve always been this way – since I was born.

    I don’t normally comment because I feel like I’m just echoing what other people say … like “what would happen to the cats?” because that is something I think all the time haha. Meeting you in Chicago was awesome – total bucket list item. Thanks for being you. Ditto.

  312. Reasons to stay seem to become less and less important each day. It’s getting harder to think of them. Despair and sadness are growing. I’m in therapy, as I have been on and off for the last 14 years and it’s not working. I can’t seem to make that change. I’m hanging om with everything I’ve got, but I’m so tired. How long before you stop trying? How many more years of sadness, lonelyness?
    Depression lies; it deserves a fucking Oscar.
    Depression lies
    My soul dies

  313. My Mom killed herself 40 years ago this week.
    Seems like yesterday. Still sobbing.
    Thanks for the topic and letting people know there’s help.

  314. My husband and I are still here because …
    For me, in part (as stupid as it sounds) I deny, I deny until I can’t deny any more. I refuse to believe. And when I have to face it, I look REALLY deep, and realize that in the big scheme of what is life, I am not as bad as some. I allow myself to cry when alone.

    For my husband, it is more recent, a “break” caused by work and stress. He is here because I have been there, we support each other and he is learning to say no!

    What helps is cuddling, our son (hell of a sense of humour!) and knowing that it will pass. And, knowing that it is common.

    I thank YOU for allowing me to admit, that ya, I do have issues, but it doesn’t make me broken, it makes me normal!!

  315. I’m here because the thought of leaving my mother alone is something I could never do.

    I try to remind myself that it will be ok again, just got to ride out the storm.

    Patrick Wolf’s music helped me through when I was struggling to come to terms with the fact I was in some serious depression and these words were a real wake up call for me

    And when I need to shake myself out and remember that it’s ok to feel down because it happens to everyone, I dance to this and hope you can too x

  316. I’m here because I refuse to let that bitch, Depression, be stronger than I am. Jenny, sharing a song that helped me get through some of my darkest days: Actually this entire CD was the soundtrack for my healing. Even now, when things get overwhelming, and I need a little peace and serenity, I pop this back on and it helps bring the calm back to my world. But this song in particular helps me feel that this too shall pass.

  317. Still here, due to a line from Wicked (the book, still working to get organized enough for tickets to the show). In the book, Elphaba mentions that she and her sister were fortunate but her brother was less so, because (paraphrasing) “No matter how messed up, we still had a mother — at least for a while.” “At least for a while” – and that makes me work to turn that while into a longer while, for my kids.

  318. I’m still here because I can always think of something that will happen in the future that I don’t want to miss, even it’s as simple as a holiday or the premiere or The Return of the King.

    But mostly I’m still here because of my friends. Because they love me and have my back and want me to be here. And on the days when that wasn’t enough, my love for them and my desire to never hurt them still outweighed the pain I was in and my desire to stop hurting, and that was enough.

  319. I’m still here because I think who will take care of my chihuahua, coincidentally her name is Jenny, if decide to end it. Probably my mother and she would over feed her and would probably not stick to her grain free diet. I know it probably sounds crazy (ooops I mean severely depressed with an anxiety disorder) but day to day caring for her gets me through. I am unable to have children due to having to have a hysterectomy 6 years ago, so “fur children” are gonna be it for me. My therapist explained to me that thinking about suicide is like standing on the edge of a cliff and the more time you spend at the edge, being interested in the edge and maybe putting a toe over the edge the more it seems “comfortable” there and the more curious you are about what happens if you go over the edge. So even if you are not making specific plans of ways and means it is just as dangerous to think about suicide, or not being anymore, you should seek help early because the more comfortable the idea gets the more danger you are in.

  320. I am still here because no matter how evil the voices get and no matter how many medications we have to experiment to get the schizophrenia under control, my cats are REAL and they love me and need me.

  321. My husband saved me in 1995, and has been saving me every day ever since. I wouldn’t be here without him. Thank you once again for raising awareness of depression. We all owe you a lot.

  322. you are really awesome. you are funny, have this amazing presence on the internets and IRL AND you write and speak so often about something that continues to be so difficult for so many to talk about. THANK YOU! i do not suffer from depression (so far ;o), but i know so many that do suffer from depression and a multitude of other mental health related issues. so, i think it’s really great that you are so well known and you are out here talking about it. huge hugs!

  323. Depression runs in both sides of my family, and often my knee jerk reaction is to consider suicide, even if it is only a fleeting thought. Part of me knows I do this because others in my family found it a solution, and part of me know that I have the tendency just to get depressed. Staying happy requires some work to keep it in check. In the long term, I always arrange to have something to look forward to: a vacation, visiting family, a positive advancement at work, or some sort of attainable personal achievement. In the short term, I pick up the phone or make plans to see a friend no matter how depressed I might feel. It always solves the problem. I hope this helps you too! Oh, and anyone who makes you second doubt yourself, cut them out!

  324. I love the saying depression lies. It’s completely true, I wish I someone had said that to me when I was a teenager as I believed all the lies. For me the way out was to argue with the beast. Every time it was mean to me I argued back. I started with just ‘that doesn’t have to be true’ and worked my way up to refuting every negative statement by giving myself the most over the top compliment I could think of. It’s not a cure all but if it helped me it might help some other people too.

    I’ve got all emotional reading the comments. There are some really wonderful people going through tough times here, please hang on in there everyone.

  325. Sunday night before bed, someone reminded me it was World Suicide Prevention Day on Monday. I knew I had to post about it, especially when I woke up before 2 am. I got out of bed and wrote this but I didn’t mention my own personal battle.

    On my 15th birthday Mum rang up and abused me on my birthday before hanging up. I hardly ever saw my father. I lived with my grandmother who was hardworking and probably struggling to cope with her demanding alcoholic gambling husband, her physically and intellectually disabled son, another son (my favourite uncle) died when he was 20, and her other son was incredibly demanding and, at times, abusive. I took several pills then I started thinking about what death meant.

    I thought about oblivion as what comes next; that appealed but I didn’t really believe it.

    I thought about reincarnation and having to relive this life over and over until I didn’t commit suicide. That scared the shit out of me.

    I thought about the Christian God (I was brought up Anglican). Suddenly I felt I was in front of him. He said, ‘I gave you a chance and you blew it.’

    I stopped taking pills, got ready for bed, woke up the next day alive.

    A few months later I visited Mum. She took me to a BBQ and gave me 5 glasses of wine in under and hour. I couldn’t even sit up, I was so pissed. Apparently I told her about my suicide attempt. She was furious.

    A few months after that I moved in with my mother full-time for the first time in four years because she moved house. She was always angry with me, was yelling at me and abusing me for things that were out of my control. I walked into the bedroom I was supposed to share with my half-sister. I had to spray my drawers with Baygon, which is supposed to kill pests. I took a big lung full, then I started to cough, and cough, and cough. Mum walked in, saw the can and knew straight away what I’d done and why. She yelled and threw me out of the house to cough my guts up in the cold air outside. She never got me help as she didn’t want anyone to know.

    I had a baby when I was 17. In hindsight I think I was trying to create a family, to have someone to love me. Having kids helped me and kept me going because I didn’t want to abandon them like my parents had abandoned me (both still living, neither committed suicide).

    I briefly had the job of my dreams working as a community health worker for SA Health, the department of health in South Australia, I was refused disability access (magnification on computer screens etc for vision impairment) then I lost my job. The internal investigation found that my life-long vision impairment doesn’t exist in spite of medical reports – the middle manager without medical qualifications decided his personal assessment took priority over medical reports stating that I’m an albino, and when I complained right to the top, medical doctors supported his assessment. The investigation also found that I hadn’t declared my disability and hadn’t asked. The Equal Opportunities Commission found I had declared my disability and I had asked for access and been refused, but they found that I didn’t ask enough times. I tried going to court but I couldn’t afford a lawyer. The judge (also in the South Australian government system) laughed and said he was going to rule my evidence inadmissible; he refused to give justification, he just said, ‘because I can’. This awful experience destroyed my career – I’ve been unemployed for the past 6.5 years except for 10 days’ temp work – and has set me back, struggling so much.

    Now my kids have both left home I’m struggling more.

    I’ve tried to build Dark Matter as a hobby and a way to contribute to society and perhaps either a means of opening doors to a career or even (wishful thinking) to become a career in itself. The response: I’ve been aggressively attacked by people in the science fiction community, some of whom I’d previously given good publicity! Others who attacked me, I hadn’t even heard of previously. Dark Matter issue 10 is already two months late because I’ve found it so difficult to return to what I was doing, which was why they attacked me.

    I’ve applied for a job working for a disability access organisation. I’ve been waiting and hoping for weeks that I might get accepted. It’s just an admin assistant position, but it’s working for social justice issues, making a contribution to society. It’d also help with our financial woes: hubby has been out of work for over two months so far. I think if I don’t hear back this week that it’s not going to happen.

    I’m trying so hard to build something positive but it’s such an uphill battle.

  326. I’m here because no matter how bad it gets, no matter how much pain I’m in, no matter the crazy insanity going on in my life…I can still dream. I can still luxuriate in daydreaming of a happier me and a brighter tomorrow…I might not be able to feel that way all the time, but I know there will come a time when I’ll be able to again. I have so much left unfinished and I’m still a Type A personality underneath it all; do it and do it right. I can’t leave yet, I have so much more magic to share.

    That and I kick serious ass at warping minds, and who *doesn’t* need more of that!

  327. I can’t tell you how helpful your posts are, Jenny. I read your stories and think, ‘Whoa, what a cool, funny, interesting lady. She’s got a family, a career, a bestselling book, and is so funny! I wish I could be like that.’ Then, I read your posts about struggling with depression and how hard it is sometimes and I think, ‘Shit, I AM like that!’ It just gives me hope and some perspective… maybe some of the people around me look up to me too. Maybe I am worth more than I think I am, too. So thanks for that. Really. 🙂

  328. I’m still here because of my kids especially my youngest. When I was in my darkest place I discovered I was pregnant with my youngest, I knew that I owed it to my unborn child to do

    everything I could to get out of that dark place. I named my son Rohan which means healing because that’s what he was and still is, he’s a ray of sunshine and brightens up every room

  329. That song has helped me more than just about anything else in my wandering through depression.

    God bless Amanda Fucking Palmer.

  330. Depression sucks the big ones. I have been in quite the bought her lately. Struggling to keep my head above water and continue to care. My Grandmother is in stage 4 cancer. Just found out Saturday. Then I found out that my Dad has been in and out of the hospital with major surgeries and was never told. My Son turned 7 yeasterday and I phoned in his party. Litterally. I called my friends and say come over for a box cake and bag stuffed gifts I’ve had shoved in the back of my closet. He enjoyed it and all worked out, but I wonder if that’s because my children’s standards have been lowere by my inability to keep it together. I don’t know anyting any mroe. I am numb and just want to sleep. I would post about today and spread the word, but I was lucky to post a pic (too old for the topic) and a beltated b-day greating to my son on my blog. I was lucky to get that done. I am not announcing my defeat, so no worries aboiut me. Just think it’s ironic. Seriously, I am typing this with my eyes closed because I just can’t cope with it all right now and my body has shut down, ignoring all demands I have put on it to proceede as normal. Throwing in the towel to sleep now. Hope you personally are doing better and love your advocacy for those of us who struggle with ourselves just to survive.

    Pretty sure I am rambling now. Please ignore the typos. No desire to go back and check them. Sorry.

    Much love and admiration,

  331. Jenny, thanks for reminding me that I am worth the effort. I’m not suicidal (too damn chickenshit), but depression lies to me everyday. I am slowly learning to not believe it. Your words and understanding helps. Here’s to all of us!

  332. I’m here because so far I’ve been able to stop and remind myself that if I killed myself, the people who love me would never, ever get over it. My children, my parents, my husband — they would be ruined forever and I would have done that to them.

    I’m here because I still have one grandparent left. He’s in his 90s and has outlived his wife and all of his many siblings. He would never want to outlive a grandchild. How could I do that to him?

    I’m here because my son also suffers from anxiety and depression and there were times when I thought we’d lose him. I need him to know that suicide is not an option. If I do it, what’s to stop him from doing it? (He is in therapy and on meds now and doing much better.)

    I’m seeing a therapist myself for the first time this week. It’s long overdue. Just to have taken that step is HUGE for me. You and all the commenters here have helped me take that step. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    Things that have helped me in my lifelong struggle against depression and suicidal thoughts: Meatloaf’s Bat Out Of Hell album (if the world can produce a voice like that, maybe it’s not so bad?), getting outdoors as much as possible, buying a cheap drugstore lipstick or nail polish to reward myself for getting through another day, re-reading favorite books from childhood (like Madeleine L’Engle’s Time trilogy), old reruns of Bewitched, exercise (this used to not help but now it does), journaling.

  333. I LOVE THIS AMANDA PALMER SONG! The things that save me daily… its a list 1st my kids without them i would still be some irresponsible drunkard working in a bar somewhere not aspiring to be anything more … 2nd my husfriend he is my bff and he keeps me from freaking out so bad 3rd my kitty… cause if i wasn’t here no one would understand him… 4th my friends and family and my lizard… well my friends are my family… and last but not least… if i wasn’t here who would make inappropriate jokes at awkward moments and who would have an opossum tattoo across from a weasel for no reason other than we were bored? This place would suck if I wasn’t around cause well lets face it… I have become pretty amazing over the years… lol so thanks cause today was a day i needed to think about all the amazing things in my life… 😀

  334. ps undiagnosed bi polar right here… i should be on meds but alas i attempt to handle it on my own… thank god my husfriend is a patient man

  335. Internet threw me of, sorry.
    Depression lies
    My soul dies
    A little bit more each day
    Depression lies
    My soul dies
    And I can’t find my way.
    It gives me a bit of hope that there are so many of you that are struggling, but surviving; winning this. It gives me some courage when people like you, Jenny, dare to be brave enough to write about it! And also all the people that commented. I’m just afraid I’m not that smart and strong and brave.

  336. I’m here because of 10 pounds of white fluffy fur with two button eyes and a button nose. It is like Jim Henson looked down from where ever the really good folks go and saw into my heart and made a muppet just for me. I got him hours before his time to be “Put down.” I didn’t save him- he saved me.

  337. I really wish I could read all these comments since some of them are really beautiful… but getting too much in my own head about depression is a dangerous thing for me. I practice regular acts of denial and shiny happy puppies. So yes, let’s focus on the positive.
    I am here because I couldn’t do that to my students, and because I realized that my husband was hurting BECAUSE I was hurting. For the first time in months I looked in his eyes and saw someone else’s pain and realized I was the only one that could make it stop.
    Words: Vonnegut “And so it goes.” It does keep going, as long as you’re still here, and for all the downs there are awesome ups. So stick around, and see how up it goes.
    Song: My song now is “You are my sunshine” which I sing to my son. Because I, the chick who thought no-one would care if she left because she was never going to amount to anything worthwhile, now have a kick-ass kid. And I never thought I would. See what I would have missed if I had checked out!? IT. GETS. BETTER.

  338. My particular brand of OCD causes me to think about suicide often, usually as thoughts I really don’t want to have, though I’ll admit, I’ve had the moments (when depressed lies) where I wonder . . . should I? I’ve never gone close to the point where I would, but the thoughts alone are scary. In all honesty, your blog has saved me on numerous occasions. Either from myself or from just letting my mental illness overtake me completely. Your posts on self harm, and being furiously happy have helped me to open up about my illness both to family and friends (face to face and online).

    One song I listen to whenever I need saving is “Fucking Perfect” by Pink. The music video alone is heart wrenching and real.

  339. I lived through my teens and twenties because of my dog, Scooby Doo. Sounds silly, but is totally true.

    I’m here now because of my aging Great Dane, Schultz, and my husband.

    I also know I could never put my parents through the grief of having their own child take her own life. I know my family would blame themselves, and I just can’t do it, even when I’ve been in the gutters of hell.

    Depression does lie. It’s a dirty fucking scoundrel, it is.

    Hang in there, folks. Things are always worse at night. Always darkest before the dawn. But there are sunny days ahead, even if it’s only here and there at first.

    Keep fighting.
    Don’t let that fucker depression win.

    It’s an asshole!


  340. I’m still here because of my friends, my boyfriend, and my mom. They’ve gotten me through a lot of hard times, whether they know it or not. Just a random text of, “Hey! What’s up?” makes me remember that /somebody/ cares, /somebody/ would miss me if I wasn’t around to text back, even when I feel like I’m completely alone.

    Thank you for posting this today, helping to bring more awareness for something that’s so scary and so dangerous, for letting people know they’re not alone and /somebody/ out there cares.

  341. I’m here for my kids.. my husband.. my family. They keep me going, even when I don’t think I’m worth keeping going, that they’d be better off without me. That, and guilt.. my husband lost a family member when we were dating to suicide, and I couldn’t do that to him again. We still don’t talk about it, and it’s been probably over 25 years now. Also, as someone else mentioned, the fear that as much of a screw up as I can be, I’m afraid I’d screw up the attempt, and make things worse on my family by being a vegetable or invalid of some sort. Music can be such an outlet.. can’t think of any 1 particular song right now that helps.. I just love music.

  342. Thanks for everything you offer the world. Life is beautiful. Even when it’s not. Sigh… And I love this song, and this music video. Which, maybe, I found here. You’ve posted it in the past, yes?

  343. Hi, I just want to say thank you to everyone who has offered me support since my comment earlier. Thanks to you Jenny, I have been contacted by some amazing people who have reached out to me and sent kind messages of encouragement. I WILL get through this, just taking it one step at a time. (and changing my therapist….) big hugs.

  344. This post couldn’t have come at a more important time…I almost killed myself yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that and almost every day for the past two months since my husband left me. Not just because I have lost the love of my life, but because I feel my whole life has been a long list of failures. I find it hard to see the point anymore. So why haven’t I done it? I get so close…the straight razors are sitting in my nightstand.

    Three beautiful non failures. Alex, Tyler and Layla. Because if I did it, I would fuck there life up. My life has been fucked enough that I never want to contribute to the fuckedness of theirs. I really hope they aren’t as dissapointed with what life brings as I am. I really hope and I will be damned if my bs brings them to the dark place I am at. They keep me alive. They are the bright light, the cool breeze, the lemonade.

  345. I’m still here because of you.

    I’m still here because my four year old daughter needs me.

    I’m still here because I am worth it.

    I’m still here because I have a propose.

  346. I’m still here because of some very special males. Seriously. My male friend in high school who made sure I got through each and every day by calling, making me eat, etc., and telling me that he was there for me. My husband who put up with my manic phase in 2006 and didn’t divorce me or make me feel guilty in any way. My son, who was my firstborn.

    It’s no coincidence that two of these people have the same first name.

    Depression does indeed lie.

  347. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for 2 decades. I have (like so many others) tried many many different meds and therpies and counselling and some of it has helped, some of it helped temporarily and some of it didnt work at all. Last summer I was at my lowest. I sat in bed and planned it all out. I couldnt do it though. My own father had attempted suicide when I was 11. His actions changed my life forever. The pain of his actions was carried in my heart then and I still feel it today. I couldnt do that to my own children who are 13 and 16. I just cant. So I have committed to
    1) taking my meds
    2) seeing my Dr regularly
    3) finding something to laugh about everyday. My kids, my cats, my boyfriend, this blog, a You Tube video. Something. Every day.
    4) I repeat the mantra that “depression is a lying bastard” over and over.
    5) I remind myself each night that I made it thru the day and I only really have to get thru tomorrow. The rest of it will come when it comes.
    6) I talk to people openly about what Depression is. So many people dont understand that we cant just snap out of it. We cant see the positives. We cant just tell ourselves it’ll be alright. I explain to people that it only makes me feel worse to know that “there are so many people out there that have less than me”. I ask people to not baby me but to call me up and tell me we’re going to Starbucks for an hour. I ask them to call me and tell me a funny story. I ask them to bring me a little bit of light and in return I will start to see that it’s going to be ok. I have lost friends and some family because the think I’m a drama queen who is “playing it all up”. I’m ok with these losses. They werent people who cared enough to find out how to help. I am holding on tight to the ones that do care.
    Thank you Jenny. Each time you post, happy, sad, irreverant, quirky, posts you shine a bit of light into the dark corners of a lot of our worlds. And we all know you know how much it means to each of us. We hope that you find a tiny bit of light in our blogs, our posts, our links and our stories in return. 🙂

  348. I still don’t know why i am still here except that if i ever did make the choice not to be , i would want my kids to know that i tried everything possible to stay. I have a safety net of someone that i can call no matter what time of day or night. I promised this person that if things ever got to that point that i would call him first. I’ve used that option once in the last two years. I’ve called a zillion times just to hear that i am alright and will get through.
    That has been the most helpful thing.

  349. I am here because i am just too damn hard headed to go, and would never want to prove anyone right about what a loser i am.

  350. I am still here because I couldn’t put my mother through that pain.
    I am still here because my animals need me to provide their home.
    I am still here because I refuse to quit on myself.
    I am still here because I wake up every morning to the Wonder Woman theme song and it gives me strength.

  351. I’m still here, because when I stood there, on the edge, I realized that as much as I hurt then and there, I would hurt those I left behind even more by quitting. Other truths have since been brought in to fill the void, including the truth that there IS something wrong with me, but it was just a ‘minor’ chemical imbalance, made worse by some real stresses and hurts, and above all, I am not alone in this.

  352. Thank you for this… you always have the right words just when I need to hear them. It is hard sometimes to remember how far I have come. I am still here because my brother-in-law killed himself. I was suicidal for years, but after he really did it I saw what it did to my family. I know now it is not a choice. I couldn’t put my loved ones through that pain again.

    I am here because of my son and my amazing family. I have seen the other side and it is too dark. I couldn’t bear to hurt my family by killing myself. Now i just live through my depression. It is not an option.

  353. I was ten, the first time I thought about suicide. My mind had become a dark, scary place. This is still the case, eleven years later. With a mix of depression and anxiety disorders, on most days, I think about suicide because it’s the only way I can escape myself. The monsters are all in my head. If I’m not around to consciously experience them, I’m free.

    But, each day, I have to remind myself that I am not my demons.

    I am not my demons.

    I stick around because of guilt, more than anything else. My brothers and I have lost many people close to us, including our father. I grew up too fast. I don’t want to do that to them.

    Some days, I think about the people I love and how they look out for me. And then I realize that the angels in my life are stronger than the demons in my head. And that gives me enough strength to want to live. For a few more days. Or weeks. Sometimes more.

    My Song by Brandi Carlile has helped me put down a blade or a handful of pills on several occasions.

  354. I’m here for no better reason than that my worst attempt failed.

    I’m STILL here because every day since has shown me that it DOES get better. I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self swallowing the entire contents of the medicine cabinet that… but here we are.

  355. Today has been a real struggle. Didn’t know it was wold suicide prevention day. It kind of is ironic but it also makes me very happy that I was able to get out of bed for a minute and check your blog. Reading your blog and all the posts makes me feel a little less alone.

    The thing that kept me here today is my cat. Even if it might sound silly to some I’ve realized today that I don’t want to be without him and I don’t want him to be without me. Plus I don’t want anyone else to take care of him. I also know that in a short while I can go to sleep again and tomorrow will be a new day potentially filled with hope.

  356. Gentle. Be gentle to yourself. Be good to yourself and believe you deserve it, because you DO! I have suffered for years with depression and through meds and therapy feel so much better, but it takes work. Baby steps. For months, every morning I had to tell myself, (and write it on my bathroom mirror) “I love and respect myself.”
    I’m going to get off the couch today because I love and respect myself…I’m going to take a shower because I love and respect myself…I’m going to wash the dishes because I deserve to have a clean house and I love and respect myself…I’m going to get a pedicure and not feel guilty about it because I love and respect myself…I’m going to find things to be grateful for today because I love and respect myself…I don’t want to do anything that would hurt me or make me feel bad because I love and respect myself…I’m going to take a break from writing and working and feeling pressure for awhile because my fans will understand, they want me to be happy and succeed, and I love and respect myself. Take care girl. Sending you love, prayers, and positive thoughts.
    P.S. I just finished attending a writer’s conference. I’ve attended many but have never been brave enough to submit a manuscript. Your book inspired me to go for it. I got an agent to read my stuff and he loved it.(More importantly he wants more!) I also have a publisher interested. You have helped make a dream of mine come true, and when the book comes out-you are going to get a big thank you from me on the acknowlegments. page. One never knows how many lives they touch-even of people they don’t know. Thank you for your courage to write the truth and for sharing your talent with the world.

  357. I’m still here because, for all the anxiety and difficulties and random crap, I can’t imagine a better life anywhere else. I’m still here because, while I am loath to pin my hopes and dreams to another fallible human, the love of my life makes every day something special. And, maybe painful to remember but important all the same, I’m still here because at the time I thought hardest about it, I was convinced I would mess it up. Which was probably true, and I’m glad it was so.

    A song I love, and for some reason cannot find a YouTube for, is a small but beautiful song by Hem. I’d encourage you to find it, but here’s the lyrics.

    The Meeting Place
    On the oldest day that the world has known,
    I will meet you in the place we share.
    And it’s not okay, but you’re not alone:
    I will find a way and meet you there.
    And all the ships are lost in the river–I’ll swing a light on the safest shore.
    And it’s not okay, but it’s not too late,
    ‘Cause we’re not alone anymore.

  358. I hit a bottom a few weeks ago. In the past few months, my husband and I lost our home and had our second miscarriage. What kept me going on the worst night was coming to our new place and seeing my dog waiting for me in the window with as much excitement and joy as ever.

  359. When I was in college I volunteered at a suicide prevention hotline in Austin. They’d come and recruited some psych. students, thinking they’d beh more empathetic. We weren’t given a lot of training before we started, mostly just a list of emergency contacts if we thought they really needed help immediately or to get a referral to a doctor. For the most part we just listened; and sometimes that’s just what the person needed to get them through the night til morning-someone who would listen to them with judgement.

    Thirty years later and there are times I could be making that call; but I can’t go anywhere. My dogs would miss me too much.

  360. I’m still here because of my cats. A sense of responsibility for them kept me going when everything else was dark and I didn’t know where to turn. Five years later, I’m happier than I’ve ever been and finally found a few more reasons to keep going, including my very own Prince Charming. Depression’s a lying fuck and needs to be beaten down every day. Fight on!

  361. My son, who has Aspergers Syndrome is what keeps me fighting. I’ve suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. At times its been bad. I developed anorexia at 13 and was self destructive for years. I have days where just getting out of bed is almost too much to bear. But I get up and push through.

    My son was bullied so badly in school that he decided death was a reasonable option at 10 yrs old. Thankfully he found the words to tell me before he harmed himself. The struggle to help him has kept me going. He’s had a number of bouts of deep depression since then. We’ve had a sometimes scary, rocky road. Meds have helped both of us tremendously, as has a wonderful psychologist.

    When things are bad I tell myself “this too shall pass”. So far they have. My kid just started his sophomore year in college. For the first time he’s living on campus and is happy. I’m not there yet, but I’m okay. For now thats good enough.

  362. What kept me here was something I read while frantically searching the Web for a reason… I read that you always have the option of suicide so why not sit on it for 24 hours? Sleep on it and reevaluate the following day.

    Funny how the thought of being able to do it is what worked.

  363. I want to hug everyone on this forum who is hurting right now. Since I can’t, I’ll send y’all Reiki instead. I hope you will accept it.

    It’s not that the world would be better without you; it’s that the world is better because of you. I believe this.

  364. I suffer with an anxiety disorder that tries to keep me in my house, sometimes it wins but not alot. What keeps me going is my family and my son without him I would not be the person I am today. And I just wanted to say that I look forward to your next blog posts because I know that if my day has sucked thenas soon as I read your blog I’ll be back to laughing again. So thank you for that.

  365. One of the reasons I’m still here is because thinking about what my mom would go through breaks my heart and I could never do such a cruel thing to her, she would probably be the one to find me. Hope is what has gotten me through the hard times. Hope for a better, easier tomorrow and future for myself and my future children. I also didn’t know what my young niece and nephew would be told and how they would process it. I just love people to much to do that to them.

  366. I am still here of my children.
    I am still here because my friends remind me they love me and are here for me.
    I am here because in my worst moments I remind myself that I someday I will believe I am good enough.
    And I remind myself that I can breathe and get through this moment and it won’t always be this dark…(I couldn’t do that 3 years ago)
    A couple of the songs I listen to in the dark moments are:
    Stronger – Kelly Clarkson

    I came to win – Ellee Duke

  367. I myself am lucky enough to not suffer from depression- it runs heavily in my family. I have many friends who suffer from this disease… I have lost a handful of beautiful, unique souls so far. My hope is that all of you out there who deal with this daily know how much you matter, how much we all (family, kids, best friends, etc) need you to hang on , to fight, when it seems impossible. As you always say- depression lies.
    I am proud of all of you.

  368. While I have never seriously contemplated suicide, my brother made a few attempts in his teens (thankfully doing much better now) and I occasionally struggle with dark thoughts. My happy place involves thoughts of my family, my husband, my cat, and music by Garbage, Goldfrapp, Pink, & Cake. Garbage’s “The Trick is to Keep Breathing” is a mantra I take to heart.

  369. I’m here because of Alison.
    I used to think that the people who call the suicide hotline are just attention grabbing idiots. I used to think that I wasn’t depressed, I was just being logical. I used to think that if I wasn’t helping anybody now I wouldn’t hurt anybody by leaving. I used to fantasize about getting hurt or dying, and tried to guess what people’s reactions would be. I used to think that not only was I alone, I was separated permanently because of my life and my experiences.
    Alison helped me. I don’t want to share her story, as it’s not mine to tell, but she reminded me both that I wasn’t only person who felt lost, and that even though I barely knew her, I’d still be missed. She reminded me of life, and I am forever grateful to her.
    Even today, I’ll catch myself thinking suicidally, if only for the briefest moments. Sometimes it’s not even suicide, just a quick broken leg to ease the pressure and stress of my life. I am by no means fixed, and I doubt I ever will be, but I’m better now than I have been in years, and not a day goes by when I don’t thank Alison for everything she has done and continues to do for me.
    If you need help, don’t be afraid to reach out. It’s not selfish to think that other people want to help you. It’s not needy to bring your skeletons out of the closet. Depression lies, and kept to yourself it festers and rots. Everything is clearer in the light of day, and life is always changing. Don’t keep it to yourself. It’s not weak to ask for help. Find a friend, get back into the world. Everybody has something to share with you. Never give up.

  370. My children saved me when I was at my lowest. Then, a little medication and making a change in my life brought me the rest of the way out. My children and my dearest husband keep me up now, along with dark chocolate, Halloween, and dancing.

  371. I’ve been through the worst year ever and had one of the worst things happen to me I could ever imagine. So right now depression really isn’t lying to me, it’s pretty much telling me the truth. And even though my kids don’t live with me full time right now (see first sentence) I know they need me and love me. That is the ONLY thing keeping me here.

  372. I also wanted to thank you for using your blog to spread the word about depression, anxiety, suicide, etc. I can only imagine how many lives you touch, you will never ever know what effect you have on people.

  373. I’m here because of my partner and my parents. I cannot destroy their lives, even as I sometimes wish to surrender my own. And I remind myself that just as my highest highs are fleeting, so too are my lowest lows. R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts” has particular resonance for me.

  374. Don’t Give Up by Peter Gabriel has helped in the past. However in my most recent decent into hell, one of my dearest friend gave me a choice: see a psychiatrist or involuntary commitment. Years later I work with my psychiatrist to moniter how I’m doing, adjust meds as needed and I haven’t falllen into the pit since. She literally saved my life.

  375. Dude, how awesome is it that Wil Wheaton just basically reblogged you!! (over at I mean, I know you and Wil are like two peas in a pod and all but WooHoo!!!

  376. Ironically, I have a ticket to go see Amanda Palmer. She is starting RIGHT THIS MINUTE here in Philly.
    But I’m having a panic attack and so am sitting on my bed trying to motivate myself to go.
    Depression and anxiety suck.

  377. I knew I had hit rock bottom when my love for my son, partner and fur-children couldn’t hold me to this plane. All it took was one comment, over something stupid, to topple me over the edge. I was lucky though, my partner found me and I got the help I had so desperately needed for over half a lifetime. I am now medicated and I’m fine with that. While I don’t talk about my suicide attempt, I talk about my breakdown and my break through. The hardest part of it all was admitting I suffer with mental illness to those around me.

    Hi, my name’s Anita and I suffer with severe depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. I am only human after all, but I’m alive to tell my tale and hopefully help someone else in crisis. (kinda refreshing that)

  378. I didn’t link to my blog because I’m not really using it right now. I have had too many things to say that aren’t book related, and it’s meant to be a blog about books.

    I don’t know why I said that. It’s not important. But I had to start somewhere.

    I have lost two of my grandparents (one on each side of the family) to suicide. After the first one was gone, the second one said she was sorry to hear about his death, and then she told me that when she did it it would be my fault. She had a husband, 7 kids, 16 grandkids, a few great-grandkids, and assorted other family members around her, and she singled me out. She had, I have since learned, done that to my mother, too. Of course, she never used the words “When I shoot myself in the head, it will be all your fault” with anyone but me.

    I didn’t speak to her for a long time. Eventually, she indirectly apologized, and we were okay for a while. Then, some family came to visit from out of town, and we had a fight about whether or not I should share a family secret. My grandfather was on my side, and, while I gave in and promised I wouldn’t say anything, she was still teary-eyed when I left. A few weeks later, I got the call that she’d gone behind the house and shot herself.

    I didn’t cry about grandmother’s death. I helped with the funeral preparations, as the oldest grandkid in the area, and I tried to comfort my relatives as best I could. I knew that it wasn’t my fault. I knew that she was just being mean. I knew that, and I thought I believed it.

    And for almost seven years, I have only felt a fleeting sadness. Then, yesterday, I broke down. I realized (because of some stuff going on in my life now) that I am not okay with what she had said. I am not okay with the fact that she had died, and I feel responsible. I feel so responsible that I am afraid it will happen again, and I will do anything I have to do to make sure that the people in my life are happy – even at the expense of my health (mental or otherwise). I feel so responsible that yesterday I wondered if I should join her. I wondered if I could escape the guilt if I just followed her down that road.

    I knew that I couldn’t do that. I also know that I will, on occasion, when things are really bad, have to fight the urge. I told the person in my life that had (indirectly and unintentionally) realize this what was going on, and I think we are on a better, healthier path. It was talking to him that finally pulled me out of the hole that I was in. Reaching out to someone and finding out that he does, in fact, love me (I’d recently had reason to doubt it) helped. He saved me. And all I had to do was talk. Why does that have to be such a hard thing to do?

  379. Thank you. I fight it too. I have friends, good people who fight it and I have known some who have lost the battle. Knowing that we are not alone makes it a little easier to bear.

  380. I’m here because I tell myself that my best friend would never forgive me if i killed myself, and the thought of having to carry a guilt complex even through purgatory, stops me.

    I’m here because I tell myself that if I can hug my knees to my chest and squeeze my eyes shut until I fall asleep exhausted, that urges won’t be so strong in the morning, and some of the hurt will seem manageable.

    I’m here because I hide the sharp objects. And the pills. And because our garage is too messy to house a car and the fumes. And because sometimes, at just the right time, I catch the edge of a storm. And when I realize that being dead means I don’t get to watch storms roll in, I decide I can live at least until the next one, and then until the one after that.

  381. I’m very fortunate to not have had to fight the battle in a very long time, but I’ve been there & wont ever ever forget. For what it’s worth, excersise is my answer. Dancing in the living room, taking the dogs for a walk, or even better, real cardio to work up a sweat.

  382. There was a time when I would have said I’m here because of friends and family and all that.

    But now, I’m here for me. Because I only get one shot at this and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some fucking bullshit disease keep me from doing it the best I can.

    And seeing all these comments above mine…dude, there are so many of us. We’re our own little fucked-up army and I love being a part of it. Thanks for calling us all to muster, Jenny.

  383. I’ve heard you when you said depression lies but I don’t know how to stop listening… I have a therapist and I started a treatment but it feel it will always be like this. I’ve been here before, which should help me think I can defeat this but the truth is I feel tired of fighting all my life, and when I think I just caught a break it’s only an illusion. I feel trapped because not even death is a way out, due to my religious beliefs. I want to stop crying, to feel THERE IS a reason to wake up in the morning…. I can’t think of one.
    I wrote because I can’t talk to my friends about this and I know you understand me.
    Thank you for your post, you make me laugh and hope sometimes.
    And thanks all of you who share your feelings and thoughs… “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” made smile and made me wonder: “Could it be?”

  384. My child keeps me here. Sunshine keeps me here. Love. Laughing. More things keep me here than the lie that tells me (often) I should go.
    Thank you for this. I wrote about my brother today. He listened to the lie.

  385. I’m not sure why I’m still here. No. That’s not correct. I could say I’m here because of my family and friends, and that’d be true to a point, but I know I’m really here because I have a beautiful niece and nephew who pretty much saved my life. I just don’t know how I managed to stay holding on long enough for them to come into the picture.

    I’ve spent most of my life dealing with moderate to severe depression and anxiety. I sporadically saw therapists and doctors, occasionally got meds, but nothing worked in the long run. I’ve been crippled by it for so long. I had to give up on dreams because it was impossible to fulfill them in my state, but something in me, even at my lowest, begged me to hold on. I still can’t figure out if I was a coward or so hopelessly idealistic that I had to find out if there was something better than what I was feeling. Either way, I made myself somewhat functional, and when my nephew was born, and I got to help take care of him for his first year, I finally got my answer. It took 26 years, but I got my answer. Then I finally had the strength to start fighting for me. I’m nowhere near where I want to be, and a lot of days are really hard, but I am doing so much better than I ever thought possible. Just knowing they love me and I love them in a way that is so different than anything I ever could have known was possible keeps me here and makes me f