Is it normal to have this much blood in your ears?

in Random Crap

Conversation after I saw the doctor to check up on my infected ears:

me:  So what’s the fancy Latin name for this so that my husband will feel sorry for me?

nursing student:  Oh titties media.

me:  I…beg your pardon?

nursing student:  That’s what it says on your chart.

Doctor:  *coughing on her own spit*

me:  My chart says I have “titties media“?  My husband is never falling for that.

Doctor:  It’s pronounced ‘Otitis Media’.  Oh- Tight-Iss.

nursing student:  Ah.  I should write that down.

me:  This is all going on my blog.

Then Victor took me to eat and on the way there I was all “Is it normal to have this much blood in your ears?” and he yelled at me for over-reacting and for getting ear blood in the car, and then like an hour later he was hit by a car.  And by “hit by a car” I mean that he was in a rush to get inside the car because it was raining and miscalculated and slammed his face into the car door, and his forehead was leaking blood and he expected me to get all excited about it but I just gave him a bunch of Dairy Queen napkins and told him to apply pressure.  And then when he started complaining about possible concussions I was like, “I can’t hear you because I have too much blood in my ears” and so we drove home and I thought to myself that the night would have been better with less competitive blood in it.

PS.  Saturday is Victor’s birthday and I’d just like to take the opportunity to say that there is no one on earth I’d rather competitively bleed with, and that I’m so grateful that he lets me share all of our weirdness here.  We’re lucky to have that man.  Also, I win in the competitive bleeding competition because mine was coming from my ear and so technically I think that counts as internal bleeding.  Not that I’m keeping score.  But if I was, I’d win.

263 thoughts on “Is it normal to have this much blood in your ears?”

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  2. And this illustrates why I took medical terminology in nursing school (a class for transcriptionists and coders). I never EVER wanted to tell someone they had oh, titties.

  3. Alright, I think the course of action here is clear. You are now starting a multimedia company called “Titties Media.” Combo record label/film studio/book publisher. Dr. Pants can be your first signing.

  4. I’m actually somewhat surprised that this is not the first place on the internet to use the phrase “competitive blood.” All the others follow “blood” up with other things, though, like “competitive blood drive” or “competitive blood angels,” the latter of which strikes me as dubious and kind of reckless.

  9. You guys are so sweet! So perfect for each other… If by perfect you mean both bleeding that is x

  11. Happy Birthday, Victor! We appreciate you, the internet wouldn’t be the same without you! 😀

  12. I think Victor was feeling kind of left out, so he hit his head on purpose, just so he could bleed along with you. It’s a bonding experience.

    Oh, and BTW, Happy Birthday, Victor.

  14. Happy Birthday Victor and you should totally believe that your wife has oh titties media because that is totally a real thing.

  18. Someone should also make sure to tell the nursing student that, if she can’t spell “purulent” (i.e. full of pus) that “pussy” is not an acceptable synonym.

  26. Is it contagious? I wouldn’t mind having oh-tight-ass again. If I come stalk you will I once again have a bottom that was as tight as it once was 30 years ago?

  27. As a nursing instructor this makes my day, can’t wait to share it with my students on Monday!
    PS, Please post more pics of HST, I don’t like cats (dog person) but yours rocks! He always make me laugh!!

  28. Oh titties media. :-). That’s great! I feel you on the ear infection though. My ear infection has cleared up, thanks to antibiotics, but now I’ve got fluid in my ear. Everything is all muffled and there’s pressure. It sucks, doesn’t it. My husband keeps doing that joke where I’m complaining about things be muffled and not hearing well, and he goes what? I hate that joke. Feel better soon!

  29. Ear blood totally trumps forehead blood. Foreheads bleed over the least little thing. I should know, because I slam my face into a car door at least twice a week. Sometimes (okay, most of the time) it isn’t even raining. Once I thought I broke my jaw hitting myself in the face with a car door, but it turned out to be just a cracked tooth.

    Wait. Does mouth blood count as internal bleeding, too? Not the bleeding gums type of blood. Blood resulting from being too lazy to practice good oral hygiene shouldn’t get any credit for internal bleeding, in my opinion. What about eye blood? Not that my eyes have ever bled. That would be terrifying and I would think I had ebola and I don’t even want to know if I have ebola.

  30. Happy birthday to Victor. I hope your ears are ok. I hate ear infections. I get them all the time and so do my kids.

  33. You TOTALLY win, because your body was bleeding on its own without any external forces. That’s not good. Victor was only bleeding because he was so worried about a little rain that he walked into a door. Totally his fault.

  34. “Will the competitive bleeding judges please reveal their scores.”

    Happy Birthday, Victor! May you have many more. And thank you for being cool about your wife sharing stories that, while they may cause you to cringe, make the rest of us all feel like we’ve won a small victory in that weird lottery called Life, every single damn day of the year.

    Also, poor baby. Put some ice on your head, it helps with the swelling. Usually.

  35. Happy Birthday Victor!
    And I hope those titties get better soon. Although you’re all set for scariest costume if you have Halloween parties in the near future.

  37. Oh god, I’ve had my nurses and now my students do stuff like this all the time. It’s hysterical every time.

  38. Happy Birthday to Victor – and may his birthday (and year) be free of competitive blood!

    Unless, of course, he enjoys competitive blood.

    Here’s hoping for a speedy recovery from your titties media and Victor’s bloody concussion.

  39. Happy birthday to Vic cause its now Saturday… And OMG does the ear thing ever suck. Had my ear drums rupture a lot when I was little and like magic it stopped for a few years. All of a sudden at 19 years old the worst one yet and my ear exploded (did you ever realize that you can say puss-like or puss any other description but can not say pussy, because all of a sudden it is a completely different sounding word that doesn’t mean ANYTHING like what you were talking about?). What the hell was I talking about? I don’t remember. AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HALF YOUR BRAIN LEAKS OUT AN EAR!

  41. You are a sweet couple.

    “Titties media” or “Otitus Media.” Hmmm.

    I wish him a Happy Birthday. May there be blood in his eye (tit for tat) instead of blood in his ear. Joking.

    You are both very lucky to have one another and I’m very lucky to read your blog.

    Thank you for the laughs, wit and insights.

  42. I’m pretty sure I have a mild case of titties me–I mean, otitis media right now, from the way my left ear’s been crackling for the last couple of days. No bleeding yet, though.

  46. Well, heck — hit submit too soon.

    Anyway, hope yours gets better soon with no more bleeding and birthy hapday to Victor. It makes me happy to share in some of your times together via the internet machine.

  47. Happy birthday, Victor! Have something a little too sweet, a little too spicy, a little too strong

  49. Hope Victor has a great birthday. But, more importantly, what the hell is he getting for a present? I *really* want to know what I have to look forward to this week(end)…

  50. o-titties as nothing on me. my husband and I used to go to an internist in Boston. When she told me: “Nice, Big Breasts” I was a little confused. Then she would say it again and would motion. She would always say it, it was odd. She did it to my husband too. What she was trying to say was “Nice Deep Breaths.” but NO ONE could understand her. Once she told me a story that one of her patients actually stopped her on the spot and questioned her, at that time I told her about how we were weirded out too!

  51. Your ear drum exploded right? You automatically win because first, that hurts like a motherfucker, and second, a part of you exploded. Automatic win. You can use the still-bleeding ears for extra points, so you kind of win like thirty times over.

  52. I read this aloud to my husband and after every third sentence (minus the Oh titties media conversation) I turned to my husband, and said, this is SO us! Meaning, Thank You, Husband for loving me even though we’re (I’m) weird! Oh, and Happy Birthday Victor tomorrow and Happy Birthday to my Husband On Monday. Their probably saints dealing with all this. 🙂

  54. I’m pretty sure women are always going to take the title of “Better Bleeders” over men.
    Happy Birthday Victor. I, for one, applaud your generosity of spirit.

  55. You and Victor give new meaning to the word “bloodsport,” which is a pretty bad ass word to give a new meaning. I believe that should add some bad-ass-bonus-points to your score.

  57. I *totally* diagnosed you with Otitis media DAYS ago. It’s just that The Man won’t let me have a scrip pad sos I can fix mah people. >:-(
    And, no offense Victor, but all moms know that head wounds LOOK horrible because the human head is way vascular, but not everyone gets to bleed out of their ears. Jenny wins. <3

  58. Sounds like you maybe just need to turn your music down a little bit. And maybe you shouldn’t have bought the stereo system with a notch on the volume dial that says “makes your ears bleed.”

  62. Soooo, after I read this one to him my husnand said I’m not allowed to read your blog anymore. Something about you giving me ideas. Whatever.

    Happy birthday Victor! It wouldn’t be the same without you.

  63. Also remind him that, per Dr’s orders, you can’t give him oral sex’n, because too much movement of the ears can cause an aural hematoma, and then you’ll really be winning.

  64. Actually you are both outdone by the Regal Horned Lizard. Most awesome use of eye-socket pressure building super-soaker coyote repelling blood ever. You need to find a way to turn your ear blood into a projectile weapon to be considered as a serious blood competitor. Sorry. You both lose.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hE_fZNZjJcQ&feature=related

    Oh, and what better way to spend a birthday than looking at YouTube videos of blood-squirting lizards, eh?

  66. Seriously? You made / allowed Victor drive you home with a bleeding forehead? Please, call a cab, get him to a. Doctor / hospital and insist they reassure you he is not dangerously concussed. Thank you.

    (I did tell him we needed to go to the hospital but he wouldn’t hear of it. Then I read all the concussion stuff on WebMD and he didn’t have any of the symptoms so instead we put some neosporin on it and watched TV for five hours. In my defense, they were all car shows. Because I care. 🙂 I’ve also been waking him up every few hours to make sure he’s still okay. He is not appreciating my nursing skills/insomnia. ~ Jenny)

  67. Happy Birthday Victor. Sorry to say folks that Otitis should sound like OH-TEE-TEES actually. A real inhabitant from ancient Rome speaking latin would have said like this. I have had some internal bleeding for a while, I could tell from the unexpected color of my feces and because I fainted a few times before being treated.

  68. i’m going to have to remember the o-titties media disease. that’s good one.

    please wish St. Victor a happy birthday direct from the tundra. guard him well…..he sounds like your perfect foil!

  69. You’re making me nervous to go to the doctor Monday. I don’t want them doing anything with my titties.

  70. So I googled otitis media and the wikipedia article contained a link to another crazy sounding ear infection: herpes zoster oticus, which I had to check out. All in all, this has been an educational evening.

  71. Your blog and your relationship with Victor makes me realize how much I miss having someone to share my weirdness and competitively bleed with. Oh and happy birthday Victor!

  74. Happy Virthday to Victor! If I knew your cell phone, I’d call with the birthday medley…but only once and in an obnoxious but totally non-stalkery sort of way. It’s important to clarify.

  79. Oh, Victor, c’mon! You totally brought that shit on yourself by running into the car. You just can’t let Jenny have one moment of bleeding limelight can you? Selfish bastard. Feel better, Jen. *sigh*

  81. Happy Birthday, Victor!

    Mine was last week Friday, and I can join in the bloodbath celebration!

    (I have a bleeding nasal septum … and I love knowing people that accept my sentences that start with ‘is it normal to have this much blood?”

  82. Victor is filled with awesome and I hope he has a great birthday. I look forward to reading all about it 😉

  83. My all-time record ER visit was due to a kidney stone (excruciating), and they gave me DILAUDID. It still took about 15 minutes for it to work, but then I was like, “Pain” What pain?”, with a ridiculous grin on my face. It was all dandy until they told me that the stone wasn’t big enough to zap sonically, that I’d have to PASS it myself.

    Oh, and hang in there with the ear infection. Feel better soon. 🙂

  84. So sorry for your nasty ear infection and Happy Birthday to Victor! The man is nearly a saint – and the perfect foil for you, my dear, I am so glad you found each other. Also – you DEFINITELY win – ear trumps forehead any day, unless you can see brain (assuming that wasn’t the case or we’d have heard about it).

  85. Hahaha! Yikes, blood in the ear sounds awful! You are incredible, so I am sure you and your husband are quite the couple!

  86. Not even kidding, about a month ago, when I got home from work I parked in my driveway like always. Somehow magically my car door and my face collided mid-air. I was in a hurry to get to a bonfire, so I just rushed in to the house. My mother asked why my eye was bleeding, so I explained the freak accident, she got me a bag of ice. I changed for the bonfire, called a friend to pick me up, and finally sat down so my mother could “mother” me. The conversation went about like this:

    Dad: Wow. Yeah, you’ll probably have a black eye tomorrow.

    Me: Noooo!!! I can’t! I have to work tomorrow! I can’t have a **** black eye! I’ll call in sick before I go to work and have to explain what happened!

    Mom: That should be interesting. You can’t call out stupid.

    Dad: (laughs hysterically)

    Me: (laughs, then cries a bit because my face hurts)

    Anyway, turns out I didn’t get to have a drink at the bonfire, as I had a mild concussion and didn’t need beer to act like the crazy person I already was.

  88. Haha! My hubby and I always compete over who’s sicker or has more work or anything else!

    I’m glad we’re not the only ones who do this.

    Happy birthday to Victor, and I hope you’re both feeling better.

  93. Dairy Queen…the clear sign that you live in Texas. 😛 In Korea, gas stations are NOT self service and you get a free mini-package of napkins every time you fill-up/add gas.

  94. Yesterday I had to explain to the doc what activity I was doing that fractured my spine. When I told him that I was having sex on the floor of the mancave I thought he was going to pass out. I bet he would have been happier if I had titties media instead. Happy Birthday Victor!!

  96. My “favorite” language misuse is something I read in charts CONSTANTLY. I’ve given up trying to convince anyone that they shouldn’t write this. It used to make me laugh; it just makes me sad now.
    Patient AROUSES easily.
    Patient DIFFICULT to AROUSE.
    It is true that an occasional patient may become AROUSED during the course of care and treatment. This is usually accidental and ignored, and is NEVER encouraged.
    If one attempts to AROUSE a patient, one is acting inappropriately, immorally, and most likely, illegally!
    If one keeps at it long enough to determine that a patient is DIFFICULT or IMPOSSIBLE to AROUSE, one is very dedicated, and in need of either psychiatric assistance STAT, or a career change (fluffer comes to mind), and maybe a good lawyer.

  99. I wish Victor the happiest of Birthdays with a distinct lack of competitive bleeding! (And I’m writing this LOUDLY so you can hear me aorund the titties that have invaded your media!)

  103. Happy Birthday Victor! And when you hit your head hard enough to bleed be sure to curse, sit on the ground for a second, yes in the rain, and then the copious amount of rain blood just might get you a win! It is also fair to bitch about the headache. I’m in no way betraying my sex just because I hit my head so hard it burst open and have had a headache ever since.

  106. I like titties media better lol… Imagine telling someone you had titties media… Everyone would be so intrigued! Oh and happy birthday Victor!!

  108. Oh gosh! I’m trying to laugh quietly do my kids don’t discover where I am and start banging on the door for me to get them things or make them breakfast.

    Competitive bleeding! Technical titties!

  109. Oh titties media – isn’t that what the princess – Kate, is that her name? – had a problem with, while on vacay in France?

    Oh, and happy birthday Victor!
    ~EdT.

  110. Why the double standard? You can’t bleed *in* the car but victor can bleed *on* the car?

  115. Hilarious! Happy birthday Victor!

    For some reason, I had a dream about HST and we found out that…. he was a GIRL! 🙂 seriously…

  116. Do not google Titties Media hoping to see if it is an actual company already in existence. Even the link names and titles can cause the need for brain bleach.

  117. Sometimes I hate my ear, they spend most of the time blocked. But with ear wax not blood, blood would be way more impressive and with wax, people just think I am a filthy cow. The doctor tried to blast the wax out with this industrial pressure washer thing after having a look in my ear and saying “fuck me! you could grow potatoes in there!” Someone said to try an ear candle? But I know I would just end up setting fire to my hair..Anyway, hope you feel better soon & buy Victor a finger puppet…Finger puppets make everything better…even fractured skulls..

  119. Here’s hoping both your and Victor’s blood decide to be less competitive and stay on the inside of your respective bodies.
    And a very happy birthday to Victor!

  122. I’m pretty sure that I have heard “the family that bleeds together, passes out together”. Blood loss is no comic thing! Except when you write about it. You are one funny (HYSTERICAL) Chica!

  124. Jenny, you definitely win! Well, I don’t know if I would call bleeding out of my ears a winning situation. Hope your titties clear up quickly. Happy Birthday, Victor!

  125. Dude. Of course you win. Your bleeding was probably coming from, like, YOUR BRAIN. His? His was just a flesh wound.

  127. Well your husband was born on the best day of the year…Sept. 29 is my birthday, too!
    Please tell him happy birthday!

  128. Total parallel lives, I’m telling you. I *also* had blood in my ear only last week. It was just a smidge. But still. I wonder exactly why we were separated at birth…

  129. OK , you totally need to get those Olympic score cards for Competitive Bleeding . Then you can just hold up a card to score each other. My money is on you, given the bizzare shit that happens . Happy Birthday to Victor, he will ,at some point, be cannonized.

  131. Happy Birthday, Victor!!! I hope you and your concussion have a great day!!

    P.S. It’s my birthday too, so I know exactly how Victor feels today……except I don’t have a concussion….and I’m not married to The Bloggess…….and I’m not a man. But, other than that we’re practically the same person! LOL!

  132. Happy Birthday Victor! and I hope in the end you’ll be better very soon!! the last couple of months could have been better I’d say!

  135. I actually *did* give myself a concussion one time by opening the car door into my head. I still don’t quite know how I managed that…

    But you definitely win the competitive bleeding contest! 😉

  136. Happy Birthday to Victor! And me!
    And ann marie and Deanne and Amnesiac AKG and Kellie S. and Larry H. and Aaron C.
    I was always amazed at how many people I knew with my birthday until I realized that Sept 29 is almost exactly 39 weeks from New Years….
    So Happy Birthday to all us New Years babies!

  137. 1. O Titties refers to the rash you get before orgasm, also known as “sex flush,” which is NOT what you do in the bathroom after you’re done. Media means “in the middle,” which means that your partner is considerate and let you come first.
    2. “O Titties Media” is also sung to the tune of “O Canada,” I’m pretty certain.
    3. A man cannot win a competitive-suffering fight with a woman, for the same reason that he cannot win a competitive-being-small fight with a paramecium. As a famous religious philosopher whose name I cannot recall but whom I am totally not making up once wrote, “A thing is what it is, and not another thing.”

  140. Aww, you guys are the Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie of the blogosphere. You should have kept vials of each others’ blood since you both had handy sources.

  144. Forget people complaining about the “right wing ” or “left wing liberal” media for the rest of this election season-our problem is the Oh titties media!

  145. Thanks for the post. It gave me a laugh during a crappy week wherein I really wanted to heed the cast iron frying pan’s desire to meet the back of my husband’s head.
    That would have caused a LOT of blood in his ear. No WAY he would have been getting in my car afterward!
    Er, um. Yes. Thanks, again.

  146. Actually, “titties media” sums up a LOT about this blog. But only in the best possible way.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VICTOR!!! 🙂

  147. Happy Birthday, Victor! Hope you both stop bleeding from your head wounds long enough to enjoy the day!

  148. For those who can’t avoid big things like cars and doors …
    One morning my daughters were getting ready for school when they discovered a scary spider on the bathroom floor. I wanted to flush the spider down the toilet and be done with it. But the kids protested so vehemently, I reached for the closest piece of paper and got down on my knees to scoop up the spider. I walked down the hallway with it, into the kitchen, where the spider fell off. I got down on my knees again to pick it up, walking carefully into the dining room to get to the sliding glass door. Right before the door, the spider fell off again. I opened the door and slid the spider out. In my haste, while closing the sliding glass door, I wondered if the porch light was on and so stuck my head back out the door to check, but my brain did not tell my hand to stop closing the door. I closed my own head in the door, and got a painful lump on the back of my head, which really made me want to kill the spider. A pathetic way to begin a day.

  150. Thank you both for sharing your life and love with us. You both ROCK so hard.

    !!!!!!!Happy Birthday Victor!!!!!!!!

  152. Happy Birthday to Victor!! Our daughter’s birthday is tomorrow and we’re having her party today! 🙂

  156. Oh, thank you for making me laugh so much. My husband just stares at me as I giggle the ENTIRE time I’m reading your book. Sometimes I laugh so hard, I cry, and then he just shakes his head. You and your titties media are awesome.

  159. It’s my significant others BD as well.
    Doug is expecting his usual present. Thank God he’s happy with that cause I totally forgot to buy him anything.
    Feel better young one.

  160. My husband diagnosed my tendency to throw up a lot as “supratentorial hyperemesis”. It’s latin. It means “Throws up a lot. For reasons coming from her mind”.

    Just letting you know, so that if you want to give anything originating in your mind a latin diagnosisey sound, you can add “supratentorial” to the front of it, and it totally sounds legit.

    Unless you’re taking to someone who speaks medical-eese, in which case they will just choke on whatever they are drinking and it will make a mess.

  162. Totally unoriginal comment, I know…but thank you for the first laugh this morning! Happy Birthday to Victor (so he’s a Libra too, huh?) and hope that if you DO have to have any more medical issues, they’re at least as funny as that one!

  167. Clearly Victor ran into the car on purpose to competitively bleed with you. He can be such a martyr.

  168. i hope you posted some video on youtube. otitis media is hot stuff for those of us who curl up every evening with the ipad and some gross medical videos to relax.

  171. Happy birthday to Victor. Although I suspect every day with you is kind of like a happy birthday. Or a merry Christmas. Or a happy New Year. Or a Monday.

  173. I am an Ear, Nose, and Throat nurse. I shall now always call it Oh Titties Media in your honor

  179. Earlier this week I was sick, and my husband says “I know what will make you feel better” so he made me put on real clothes, took me to Barnes & Noble and bought me a chai latte and a copy of your book. Totally worked, as I’m all better now. So you can tell everyone that your book has healing powers, as well as being laugh-out-loud funny.

  182. You guys are so lucky to have each other! My hubby won’t “compete” with me on anything! He just automatically tells me I win, even before the contest begins. Is that his way of telling me he’s a looser? Noooo, he is the best husband I’ve ever had…Third time is the charm! I guess that’s why I’m the winner!

    Anyway, Happy Birthday, Victor! Jenny, take this saint-of-a-husband out to a really nice dinner and maybe Dairy Queen for dessert.

  183. Happy Birthday Victor!
    My two favorite internet couples are Jenny and Victor and Amanda and Neil. So much love! Hope your birthday wish comes true.

  186. The couple that competitvely bleeds together stays together!
    I love you and Victo’s wacky banter, my husband and I feel we’re a normal couple when I read our blogs to him. And by normal I mean we’d totally fit in with you guys!
    We unintentionally have competitive toe-stubbing days in our house. Our son wins because his things are what we’re always stubbing our toes on!
    Happy Birthday, Victor!

  188. I always get a little ting of joy when Hubby miscalculates the head duck into the car. I’m all “serves him right for thinking he’s so cool.”

    Happy Birthday Victor!

  190. My wife is a very loving, compassionate woman whose empathetic desire to assist injured people is completely neutralized by uncontrollable fits of hysterical laughing. “OMG, cerebro spinal fluid is gushing from your nose! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  191. I’m a nurse practitioner and when I read this, I spit out my lemonade. Now I have a sticky computer. Thanks a lot, nursing student! Also, I always tell people that when you bleed from places that you shouldn’t bleed from (ie ears, ass, eyes, etc), then you need to seek medical attention. However, when you bleed from slamming your face in a car door because you were too rushed, well then, that’s a personal problem. It’s weird that the thing I always tell people is the exact situation that you and Victor were in, but that’s the way the world works!

  192. Happy Birthday Victor! I think you can win today’s competitive blood contest by default. 😉 No need to greet any doors with your face!

  193. You totally win. Your titties media are bleeding inside your ears. Ummmm. When does THAT happen? Of course just for today, you could tell Victor that he wins. Happy birthday, Victor! Your blood gets the gold medal! Tomorrow, though, all bets are off!

  194. Happy Up-coming birthday, Victor. And may the best blood source win!

    By the way, since past anniversaries have been so entertaining, I look forward to what happens to you on this one. Good luck with that.

  195. Yes!! We are lucky to have you Victor!! Thanks for supporting rting your wife so much, and happy birthday!!

  197. Jenny,
    I’ve read this blog for a long time. I remember a time before HST. I have decided one thing.
    You are my hero.
    Doing all this crazy shit and still having the mental capacity to post it, that’s Jenny. I still think I haven’t read this blog for long enough, but this still makes me laugh. Even when I’m down.
    Because you are that awesome.
    I know that you may be in-half-breakdown mode, but do you think you could visit Alaska? Pretty please?
    Because if I were to meet my hero in person, I think I would faint. Or freak out.

  198. ” the night would have been better with less competitive blood in it.”

    Lies! All lies! No night is complete without competitive bleeding 🙂

  200. Happy Birthday Victor! Thank you for even BLEEDING to keep us all entertained! Jenny, feel better and know that titties media made my day! I think I have that… I bought a reduction bra… Just saying… (Oh yeah, this is about you… I always forget that).

  201. Happy Birthday to Victor, and I wish upon him many, many more years of innocent production of hilarious blog-fodder.

    Normally ears wins. But shouldn’t you let him have this one? You know, as a birthday present?

    =)

  202. Happy Birthday, Victor!! The best virtual husband a woman could ask for! And Happy Un-Birthday, Jenny!!

  204. Jenny,

    I never had ear infections as a kid. Never. My brother had them and got medicine that tasted like grape italian ice. I get them as an adult and I get antibiotics that taste like rancid gym chalk.

    Anyway, should you get these on a chronic basis the way I did, you will probably end up at an otolaryngologist who will talk to you about draining the ear. Here’s how that works.

    You sit in his chair. It’s much like a dentist’s chair. He sprays anesthetic in your ear and tells you it won’t work at all, that this will probably hurt quite a bit, and that whatever happens, you shouldn’t flinch at all because there’s a razor sharp blade cutting into your eardrum and flinching might cause anything from the complete removal of your eardrum or the insertion of the razor sharp blade far deeper into your ear.

    If he/she offers to strap you in place, take him/her up on the offer.

    The feeling of the tiny little razor sharp blade cutting into my eardrum was the single most painful thing I have ever experienced. I should, perhaps, add the caveat that I have never had occasion to either give birth or perform field surgery upon myself to amputate a limb. I would rate it as roughly fifty times as painful as pulling a nose hair.

    Next the guy takes a tiny vacuum cleaner and sticks it in the hole to suck out all the bloody puss. You’ve probably put the vacuum hose up to your ear. This is like that only it’s actually inside your eardrum.

    Less than a week later, my ear was clogged up again. Another round of antibiotics that didn’t work, I’m back in the same chair a few months later and he repeats the procedure. And again it lasted less than a week.

    I now have tubes in my ears.

  205. Oh Victor, I feel your pain (and not just because today is your birthday),.. The other day I ran out to my car in the middle of the rain, ducked under a tree branch and slammed my face with the car door! Bang!! I didn’t split my forehead open, but I did give myself a nice shiner! Which of course had to be while I was on my way to the hospital. I had to keep explaining to the doctors, no, I’m not abused.. I really DID hit myself in the face with a car door!!!

  206. I’ve seen pictures of you and I’m pretty sure, “O Titties Media” is an incorrect diagnosis. “O Titties Maxia” or ” O Titties Spectacularus” is more on point.

  207. He was probably not freaking out because he was concussed but because of a “fight or flight” response to his massive blood loss. Those Dairy Queen napkins are surprisingly un-absorbent. For your family, might not be a bad idea to keep a first aid kit handy.

  208. Happy Birthday, Victor! Now I know that my fiance and I have kindred spirits in you and Jenny. I could start a blog solely based on how he follows me around when I’m wearing too long yoga pants and steps on the cuffs to make me trip. Or when I find a 747 mosquito for him to kill and I torment him until he produces the body. Life is good :)!

  210. I’m shacked up with an avowed hypochondriac, which means that anything health-related becomes competitive. If I sneeze, he’s laid up with some strange strain of cold that no one’s ever heard of (because it usually doesn’t exist). I’ve tried to draw the line at “sympathetic menstrual cramps”, but apparently, they’re something I just can’t understand.

    Happy birthday to Victor and good luck with the titties media. I believe there’s a web site about it. Or 10,000.

  212. I’d like to wish Victor a happy birthday; glad he got to sit next to an exciting actor.
    You’re lucky to have him; I still remember vaguely a post you did about the two of you getting… coffee, I think, in the car, and being in synch about some off the wall thing that hadn’t happened but you both were ready to cope with.
    A man who will give you a crazed kitten that perfectly works into your work (strange blogs) really gets you.
    Er… except when he doesn’t, like when you let said crazed kitten wander the house with your empty pill bottles. And the fact that he tolerates that is still golden.

  214. Bit hypocritical of him, eh? Harping on you for soiling his seats with aural blood, when soon thereafter, he was the one making the car look like a crime scene? I will never understand men and their logic…or fascination with vehicular cleanliness….

  215. I do that all the time. We will say “I have a runny nose.” The other will go “Yeah me too but I have a runny nose and a sore throat.” It can go on for hours.

  216. Happy Birthday Victor!!!!!!!

    I had such a crush on Jackie Earle when he was on Bad News Bears (your Twitter comment)

    Just watched Dr. Who finale… it was sad but not David Tennant sad…

    Hope you are both feeling better!!

    K

  217. Victor loves you so much he does not want you to bleed alone. Also matching bloodstains on the driver and passenger car seats totally screws with FBI forensics guys. Well played Victor.

    Happy birthday!

  218. 1) you have a trump card in all pain related competitions – childbirth. Wins ALL THE TIME.

    2) Happy Birthday Victor!

  219. If he actually HAD gotten a concussion I’d say he was the victor Victor. However, I think internal bleeding plus oodles of ear bacteria does snag you the win.

    I’m glad that I wasn’t your nursing student or you would have never heard oh-titties media!

  220. I should have read this last night when I was feeling all “bahjiggity” (my term i’m using at the moment for anxious) because this made me laugh out loud..and I think of you each time we drive through Mount Holly Springs, PA because there is a bar that has a Beyonce sitting outside and I saw, hey, there’s Beyonce and my boyfriends says “what?” he obviously doesn’t understand. I should take a picture with her..thank you for your blog, you rock.

  223. Happy Birthday, Victor. It is also HoodyHoo’s birthday. Imma thinking that might have something to do with medium titties. Or whatever.

  225. What a coincidence; I read this post aloud and *my* ‘Victor’ he says his ears are bleeding too …

    Best wishes to the real Victor. May he wake to a house full of miniature ponies dressed in drag this year.
    (Nothing can beat the anniversary sloth, I’m afraid. Or can it?)

  226. What is with those Dairy Queen napkins? I don’t even go there that often and I’m pretty sure there are Dairy Queen napkins in my car. It’s like some kind of rule that they be present.

  227. You *totally* with on the bleeding part. Bleeding ears means bleeding from more than just your skin. I’m a pharmacist and I know. Plus, my daughter tends to bleed when she gets ear infections and you’re totally right about that!

    Happy Belated Birthday Victor!!! You almost share a birthday with one of my favorite people on the planet, my sister. 😀

    PS I have had an entire bottle of wine with my bestie this evening and I’m a little sloshed. And by bottle of wine, I mean there were two of us and we drank two bottles of wine over the course of watching the Avengers, aka geek porn. 😀

  228. i laughed and laughed outloud and kinda choked. this is the beauty of your blog, bloggess. long time reader, first time post-er. and that is so dorky i even wrote that, but nonetheless. i am sad sad sad because my dog died, and yet on this sad grey morning your competitive bleeding post made me laugh. numerous times. this is your contribution to mankind (womankind. why does there hafta be a difference?) And for this I salute you. (but not an actual salute, cuz that seems too conformist for you.) Hugs to you, everyday, for keep on keepin’ on, even when reality wants to kick your ass.

  230. nope. not normal and completely reversible. your flora is off. introduce cultured foods to your diet. stop eating the foods that irritate your gut wall. put probiotics under your tongue before bed, that will rebalance flora in your ENT. not a doc, just a mom with allergy kids who are now off all daily meds after healing leaky gut. (end unsolicited advice> huge fan, you are part of my laugh therapy to rebuild a sense of joy in life. helping sick kids recover is very taxing. your words lift my spirit, help me find the humor on our often darkish path to recovery from chronic illness.

  233. oh titties media is an actual thing! If you get it, they treat it with mardi gras beads. or maybe you catch it from mardi gras beads….. details are a bit fuzzy…..

  234. I’m a veterinarian and I have farmers telling me all the time their cow has “mass-titties” for mastitis. I try not to giggle. One told me recently that his cow’s “titties are too big!” It took everything in me not to reply, “That’s not a common complaint from a man.”

  236. Happy birthday to Victor! That is also my boyfriend’s birthday and mine was Friday. I hope you are feeling better and you both stop bleeding competetively.

  238. =D This is awesome, last time my ears asploded Scott didn’t have any sympathy because he has never had an ear infection in his life, and apologies to poor Victor, but I practically did a *booyah!* and a fist pump when he got hit by a car under his own momentum. He validated my experience for me. Tell him thank you. And Scott prolly thanx him, too.

  239. Happy birthday to Victor. And I think you’re right. He’s a good egg to
    let you share the mutual weirdness and competitive bleeding here.
    While my husband knows I have a blog and I’ve even read a few of my
    posts to him, I don’t think he realizes how wide these interwebs and
    our bizarre ass life stories are reaching. Oh well.

  241. This is the first thing I have genuinely laughed at all weekend (it’s twenty to eleven at night on Sunday, so you can imagine….) Thank you!

    It also made me think of a Kaiser Chiefs song you might like … ‘Love’s Not a Competition, But I’m Winning’

    Hope Victor had a fabulous Birthday, and you got him another kangaroo, just for a giggle.

    J. x

  244. This sort of reminds me of when I was little and got diagnosed with vasal motor instability. I had gotten so annoyed with the symptoms (since they were getting worse) That I looked at my mother one day and asked “Mommy, when you turn your head and you go blind, how long does it usually last?”
    Of course, when my mother turned her head she didn’t go blind, as that is entirely NOT NORMAL.
    Just like blood in the ears. But I guess on the upside you could design some kick ass earrings that look like tiny buckets, so that they can collect the blood as it drips out, therefore avoiding the ruination of any of your clothes. You might even have an intense stalker somewhere who would pay good money for Bloggess ear fluids.
    Upside.

  245. LOL. I love you. Your conversation posts are always my favorite . . . guaranteed laugh everytime.

  246. Happy Birthday, Victor. I hope birthday wishes from random strangers makes up for some degree of marital annoyance. If it works, let me know so I can make arrangements for my husband’s birthday in June.

  249. Thank gah you had otitis media because from what I’ve heard, Oh-tightass media relies on leeches for a cure, and oh-titties-media has no cure at all.

  251. Oh titties media reminds me of the transcriber at my old office who had never heard of the word “entrepreneurial” but really wanted to put something down so she came up with “intrepid oriole.” To this day I think of those brave birds every time I hear entrepreneurial, and now I guess I’m going to think about titties whenever I hear anything about ears, which only makes sense because you’re you. 🙂

  252. I’m in the middle of your book and just finished the chapters about your early days with Victor, and I have gained a whole new appreciation for him. You guys have something pretty cool, along with your insanity. 🙂

  253. Read your book because someone told me you & your life reminded them of me and I have to say minus the taxidermy it was eerily familiar…Laughed out loud when I read your post…I always claim my ears are bleeding because my daughter has no mute button…(kids should have those)

  254. Well, in German it is actually pronounced “Oh titties”. I kid you not (what a great language 🙂

  255. Great….now I’m sitting at work with tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard and all my co-workers think I’m upset. You are too awesome for words.

    I hope Victor has a very blessed birthday filled with love and laughter.

  256. I’m totally in agreement with whoever suggested that you form a media company called “Titties Media”. Make T-shirts to advertise. This will be especially helpful, since too many men try to use women’s nipples to dial Radio-Free Europe during foreplay anyway. (Seriously, what’s UP with that? Fondling, I can handle. Rubbing? Fine. Gentle flicking? I’m all over it. But … twisting? TWISTING? What the fuck channel are you trying to dial there, buddy? These are my BOOBS you’re playing with, not some kind of short-wave radio. We’re not calling Orson here. Stop before I break your hand.)

  258. One of my friends dyed someone’s hair purple and didn’t wear gloves and now it looks like she cut off a finger and bled all over herself. She’s gotten really panicked looks from strangers for days.

  260. Well, I’d say congratulations to both you and Victor! I mean as far as media goes, Oh Titties Media would only be something like “after 10 pm”, but Oh Tight Ass Media- now we’re talking X-rated. See, even your medical condition is worthy of a censoring- I think you have arrived.

  262. um jenny….. i think the only way you can measure who wins is by weighing your blood verses victor’s blood (in grams, or 1/4 cups, or by the liter). the first one to reach 1 liter wins. technically you were winning with that head start, and it sounds like victor had to one up you by getting a larger surface hole area for the bleeding. men! always trying to impress their women. when does it end?!

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