Hello. Did you send me a box of dead hamster?

in bizarre, Random Crap

Victor:  Did you check the mail?

me:  Yeah, there were three bills and a box of dead hamster.

Victor:  *sigh*

me:  Everyone gets bills, babe.  You can’t escape bills.  It’s not personal.

Victor:  Mhm.

me: You aren’t going to ask about the box of dead hamster?

Victor:  Nope.

me:  Because I kind of really need you too.

Victor:  Nope.  Don’t care.  Don’t want to be involved.

me:  Because it was sent to me anonymously and it’s kind of freaking me out.  Someone sent me a box of dead hamster in the mail and I don’t even know what that means.  Is it some sort of code?  Is it a threat?  I’m not even sure it’s a hamster.  Or why it has wings.

Victor:  Hamsters don’t have wings.

me:  I KNOW.  THAT’S WHY IT’S SO UNSETTLING.

Victor:  FINE.  Show me your dead hamster.

me:  Finally.

I think the wings are made of human skin.

Victor:  That’s…not a hamster.

me:  You’re saying that because of the wings, right?  But they’re detachable.

Victor:  No.  I mean it looks too big to be a hamster.  I think it’s a guinea pig.

me:  Or a small dog.

Victor: And why is it crunchy?

me: RIGHT?  

Victor: It’s like it’s filled with cellophane.

me:  Or corn flakes.

Victor:  Why would someone fill a hamster with corn flakes?

me:  WHY WOULD SOMEONE SEND ME A BOX OF DEAD HAMSTER?  I THINK WE CAN THROW LOGIC OUT THE WINDOW HERE, Victor.

Victor:  That ship has sailed.  You probably bought it yourself and just forgot.

me:  I think I would remember if I bought a box of dead hamster.

Victor:  Remember when you bought that cobra and forgot that you bought it until you opened it?

me:  Mmm…not really.

Victor:  Well, it happened.

me:  Now I’m craving corn flakes.

Victor:  Stop talking.

PS.  Did you send me a box of dead hamster?  Is there a hidden meaning?  Is the crunchy noise inside of it a note explaining it?  Is the hamster an envelope?  For the love of God, someone help me.

PPS.  The cats fucking LOVE Mr. Squeaky.  If that’s what his name is.

Look at you, Mr. Squeaky. You. Are. Perfect.
Come here, you. Give us some snuggles.

490 thoughts on “Hello. Did you send me a box of dead hamster?”

Read comments below or add one.

  6. Clearly, Victor doesn’t understand the importance of being asked about the weird-ass shit that happens. What the hell’s the point of getting a box full of hamster if no one knows about it?! (PS – HST seems to like Mr. Squeaky too much. Perhaps you should lock the other critters safely behind glass, lest HST get too familiar with Juanita.)

  8. Of course HST loves it! Who wouldn’t love a crunchy dead hamster with wings. Everyone should be so lucky and/or creeped out 🙂

  9. I did not send you a box of anything, especially not a dead rodent. But I don’t think that’s a hamster OR a guinea pig. Looks like a gopher. Not that this makes things better.

  10. I don’t… I just… I don’t even…

    I mean, I know you have a rather well-known “thing” for taxidermied animals, but WHY WOULD SOMEONE SEND YOU THAT? And ANONYMOUSLY?!

    I’m kinda creeped out, too.

  13. And all I got today was a Victoria’s Secret catalog that looked slightly used and a coupon for Little Ceasars.

  14. It looks too big to be a hamster and too small to be a guinea pig. Maybe someone’s crossbred the two and sent you the remains of the only survivor after he lead a long happy life on a farm somewhere?

    Or did you order the Dead Thing of the Month Club?

  26. I’m pretty sure that’s a gift for HST and you intercepted it in error.

  29. FYI, Guinea Pigs have 4 toes in their front feet and three on their rear. And he does look a bit big to be a hamster. 🙂

  31. if i was going to send you something, it would probably be a kid or two (not dead but possibly full of corn flakes) . Hamster / rodent things? no. but i do think Icarus is appropriate, you could call it Iccy for short

  32. I think the oddest bit of this is, that as a regular reader, I DON’T think it’s all that odd you received a dead hamster in the mail, haha. The corn flakes part is a little strange though.

  33. lol you should have named him Mr. Crunchy? My husband would have also not asked about a box of dead hamsters.

  34. Are you sure Mr. Squeaky wasn’t actually a mail-order bride (or groom–if you’re going interspecies necrophile, can’t judge the sex selection!) that Hunter S. Thomcat picked out while you weren’t looking?

  36. Looking at the pictures, I would guess that Hunter S. Thomcat pilfered a credit card and ordered Mr. Squeaky from someplace online.

    Because cats use the internet for commerce ALL THE TIME… (I had a client once claim that his $3000 long distance bill was due to his cat calling the communists while he (the owner) slept at night… this client MAY have had a bit of an issue with mental health…)

  40. the title of this post suggested something more Godfather-esque than what it actually turned out to be. i’m glad i looked! whew.

  42. I can’t decide if that is seriously messed up or absolutely brilliant. Please let us know when the mystery is solved. (Have you ever thought maybe Victor does these things as payback? And to be supportive giving you blog fodder. Yeah. I’d interrogate him just in case.)

  43. i get dead hamsters in the mail, like, all the time. it’s a problem that’s affecting our community.

  44. I’m a little worried about what HST is going to find INSIDE the dead hamster. Is it well-sewn? It’s not going to bust open all over your sofa with more really freaky surprises, is it? Does it smell????? Wonder what the shipping rate is for boxes of dead hamster? That’s not something you see in the example posters at the post office. I wonder if the person who sent it is on some kind of poster at the post office?! That’s just weird.

  46. No, I did not send you or anyone else a box of dead hamster. That would require knowing your address, for one thing, and for another it would require asking my husband to give me his credit card to BUY a box of dead hamster to be shipped anonymously to a blogger I like and that…probably wouldn’t go over well.

  47. I am sure it was sent with love!
    And, no, I did not send it.
    HST is adorable and I think he and my kitten Lily Mae should marry.
    She is so lovely she was picked for the 2013 SPCA calendar!

  48. I wouldn’t be scared. Given your fan base, I’m sure it was meant like a cat brings a bird home. It’s a gift. It’s a good thing.

  50. I didn’t send it to you, either. If I had the money and I knew your address, I would send you a crate of dead moose.

  54. LMAO. Me reading, ** giggles** OMG!!! CORNFLAKES?!! What is going **now on the floor laughing hysterically. I can honestly understand why you would post this. It’s just too much

  55. I think that’s a zombie guinea pegasus, maybe?
    Puzzling, with a whimsical crinkly-crunch.

    Honestly, I have no fucking idea. Maybe petco has selected you for some random Halloween market testing?

  56. I say someone made/bought you that hamsterguineapigwingedmutant and just got SO EXCITED about sending it to you that they forgot to throw the written explanation into the box (just a hypothesis, I swear it wasn’t me!)

    Or someone crazy is fucking with your head.

    Either one is plausible.

  57. I’m not sure what’s better, your new little dead friend, his wings or the pictures of him with Hunter S. Tomcat. So cute! ^_^

  58. New follower and I’m not even surprised to read that you had that delivered. I do have to agree with everyone else though that’s it is creepy. Maybe it’s the first clue like in those Jigsaw movies with the freaky “cereal” killer…lol!

  61. Maybe the box o’ hamster wasn’t sent to you. Maybe it was sent to HST. The hamster wants to be his new best friend!

  62. Those wings look straight out of the Blair Witch Project. Now twigs are going to freak me out for the rest of the day.
    STAY AWAY FROM THE TWIGS!

  65. It may have been addressed to you but as your pictures clearly indicate, it looks like it was intended for someone else. Everyone wins!

  66. I am perplexed. I mean, I’m pretty sure his name should be Mr. Crunchy…?

    Or does he crunch AND squeak? Would that make him more disturbing? Or less?

    I think I’m confusing myself. I need to go lie down. Except I can’t, because I’m at work. (Yes, I’m commenting on a blog at work. TAKE THAT, The Man.)

  67. yeah… that was me… and sorry… I spoke to Jenny who said she had spoken to you and that you wanted it. I have the email from her if you would like to see it…
    His name is Leonardo Di Squeeksi and yes he is a hamster. In fact he’ s my first attempt at Taxidermy. He came out so crap I thought you would like him. I did send a thank you note with him but clearly this never made it to you. I think you may want to speak with the people who open your mail.
    Now that I feel humiliated at sending fan-mail I will leave you to it.

    Le – You totally rock and it’s the best hamster I’ve ever gotten in the mail. Also, Leonardo Di Sqeeksi is the best name ever and I will treasure him forever. For real. Sending you an autographed copy of my book since it’s the only thing I’ve ever made (except for my daughter, which you can’t have.) ~Jenny

  68. I didn’t send it to you either. And now I’m pissed that I have to think of a new Christmas present for you. Damnit.

  72. And again I am reminded that I should not read your posts while eating lunch….

  73. The oddest part about this for me is that I *really* want to know what is inside making the crunchy sound. I have a cat that will only play with toys that have fur that feels real, so I bought a fur capelet at an indoor flea market & am going to make him a whole bunch of toy mice. I’d been thinking about putting something inside them that crinkled, but was still looking into WHAT to use…

  74. If you ever want to pass on some of your stuffed dead things, let me know.

    I think your cat is trying to get to the corn flakes inside the hamster. Cats love corn flakes. And red peppers.

  75. I’m fucking terrified for you. The wings are so Silence of the Lambs.

    This makes the singing lobster I gave my husband much more normal. Thank you, whoever you are, for this seemingly impossible perspective.

  76. Well, safe to say that since he’s not wearing a scarf, I didn’t send him. Totally steampunk fairy rodent look though.

  77. *gigglesnort* This is the best post ever! I love the pics of HST and Squeaky. Too funny!

  78. Clearly this was a Halloween gift, a hamster with wings, I mean seriously? What else could it be… A+ for creepy & yet creative… and it makes for a good chew toy, especially if it is filled with cornflakes!

  79. So no one’s confessing? I would TOTALLY confess… except I would be lying. Love the intrigue. Please keep us posted… <3

  80. Maybe Victor’s finally getting vengeance for Beyonce? I mean, “knock, knock, motherfucker” is pretty funny coming from a fairy crinkly hamster. It’s sorta like Gaslight, only with less murderous intent and more…taxidermy.

  82. Nah. Not me. I would have something more bad ass with fangs and a Members Only jacket.

  83. Could that possibly have been, at one point in its existence a gopher? No I didn’t send it. Don’t be ridiculous. We don’t even HAVE gophers in Indiana.
    And I agree, those are some messed up eyes. #taxidermyfail

  84. If I had sent you a box of dead hamster, I would TOTALLY claim it! Or at least put a note in it explaining why I sent it and what the crunchy noise is. If someone sent me a box of dead hamster without a note, I would be completely freaked too, even if I did collect taxidermied animals. i hope someone claims him soon. He is kinda cute. 🙂

  85. Not me. But it’s awesome. One time, my dad sent a dead, mummified rat to a business competitor. It was not meant in a nice way. I think this was meant in a nice way.

  86. Aaaah that is the cutest picture of a cat playing with a disturbing dead maybe hamster I have ever seen!

  87. It does look like a guinea pig, not a hamster. It seems perfectly rational that someone sent you their beloved departed pet, now with angel wings added. I mean, who else BUT you could they send that to?

  89. I’ll admit, I did make all sorts of “Google” searches in hopes of finding your address to quite possibly ship you a dead deer. It came complete with a stand that appeared as if it was simply frolicking through a meadow. AMAZING! You never know what you’ll find at a garage sale in NE Minneapolis.

  91. I think you need to keep HST supervised near the computer…clearly he ordered it, which is why it is color coordinated to match his fur…

  93. That’s definitely a guinea pig. One of mine died this springs, but I swear I didn’t send her to you. The human-skin-wings are scary. If someone accidentally refers to you as Clarice Starling, I’d run. And remove all lotion from the house just to be on the safe side.

  94. I hardly ever get things in the post, and normally that makes me sad. But today, I feel relieved….

  95. I think the giant bolt holding the wings on is the most creeptastic part. Maybe shipping a real pig with wings was too expensive, so they shipped a guinea pig with wings? You need to find a little aviator hat and goggles. And he must be named Wilbur Wright.

  97. Your blog is unlike any other blog I’ve ever come across. Not even remotely.

  98. Ok, I’m going to guess that he was meant to be a loving part of your menagerie or creatures, but if I were to send you a dead rodent with wings, I would have at least given it pretty, sparkly fairy wings. And maybe a matching tutu. See? No way that could be misinterpreted, right? But yeah, the Frodo skin on toothpicks wings? A little scary.
    “It puts the lotion on it’s skin… Or it will be made into hamster wings.”

  100. Isn’t it kind of weird that the wings are being held on boy a nut and bolt too??!!

  101. If I had sent that I would want the credit… They were a fool to be anonymous. The wings are a bit steampunk, so at least he’s hip right now.

  103. Getting a box of dead cornflake hamster is karma. I just don’t know if it’s good karma or bad karma. And no, I didn’t send it to you.

    What concerns me most is its eyeholes. Am I correct in thinking there are no actual eyeballs in those eyeholes?

  104. My best guess is that it’s from an admirer who loves you so very much that they felt compelled to send you a tribute in the always-awesome form of a flying guinea pig fairy hamster. And maybe he’s crunchy because they made him themselves, their very first taxidermy project ever, and didn’t know what to stuff him with, so they stuffed him with bark chips thinking the cedar would keep moths from trying to eat him, because the last thing anybody wants is a moth-ravaged, formerly flying guinea-hamster.

    Or, maybe you ordered it on Etsy late at night and forgot about it… Check your credit card statements.

    On the upside: NEW STUFFED FRIEND! You could get more flying critters and make the most awesomely terrifying mobile ever!

  105. I just got back from Disney World and that thing looks kind of like the flying cat alien from Captain EO. I’m not sure if I should be fascinated or terrified.

  106. OMG. I know I don’t have to ask, but oh please, please, puh-leeeze let us know who sent you the cornflake gerbil when you find out! I loved your book by the way! Write another one soon or the cornflake stuffed critters will increase in size and number until you do! (I kid! I kid!:)

  109. And here I was going to send you a picture of two raccoons paddling a birch bark canoe. It seems like such a shallow gesture next to HSTs new best friend 😉

  111. “…and why is it crunchy??”
    omg. omfg. well, it wasn’t me because we don’t even have hamsters in Belgium (I don’t think) and plus, shipping anything heavier than a one-page letter to the states requires a second mortgage. I DID send you a ethically taxidermied frog recently, but that was on facebook so it doesn’t count as creepy-stalking-box-of-dead-hamster weirdness.

  114. So that’s where I put it! I’ve been looking everywhere for that little guy!

  115. It wasn’t me. But I have to say I really love the level of non-reaction from Victor.

    Maybe the hamster/guinea pig mailed itself to you–knowing you give taxidermied creatures such a loving home.

  116. First, I think Hammy may very well be a guinea pig. Unless he’s the world’s largest hamster. So the question becomes, why would someone want to send you a box of guinea pigs? And is this guinea pig with wings supposed to be corollary to the flying pig that perches atop Beyonce?

  117. I was watching re-runs of Pawn Stars last night (don’t judge me) and saw something that totally made me think of you and I think you need one. http://tinyurl.com/8lwsxzq Scroll down to the third picture, isn’t it awesome!

  118. It’s clearly a crunchy non-Monchichi. Duh. With propellers for when HST gets too frisky so it can whisk itself away to the top of the fridge where it’ll then decide to land on Victor’s head in the middle of the night and make him scream what the fuck is wrong with you and this non-Monchichi that is neither a hamster nor a guinea pig and why do these things keep happening to us, WHY IS HST LOUNGING IN THE KITCHEN SINK, JENNY?

  121. It does sort of look like a steampunk hampster… if you give him a pistol, you could always claim he was the hidden member of the Firefly crew. Or is that just something that occurs to me?

  123. That’s weird even for you! I see HST is loving him some Mr. Squeaky though. Could be his new bff. Still a little creeped out about the anonymous part. Are you sure you didn’t join a taxidermied animal of the month club?

  124. “Or did you order the Dead Thing of the Month Club?”

    Brody, I was doing just fine until I read that. Then I lost it.

    And Jenny, I regret to say that I wasn’t brilliant enough to send you a crunchy unholy hamster guinea pig hybrid. Though I kinda wish I was the one who thought of it now. At least the cat is happy?

  125. You seriously have a comment posted by Corey Feldman regarding the dead flying hamster AND twine!

  126. What the fuck? See, I often wish I had a life as exciting as yours, but if it ever actually happened I’d quickly run out of room to put all the weird dead shit. Although my cats would be thrilled. So I guess that’s a plus.

  128. Definitely wasn’t me, but…are those hashmarks on its wings? Maybe it’s running from the Silence?

  130. Nor is it from me, though I’d love to know the reason behind it. I wish I could take credit for the idea…hilarious, to say the least!

    He looks like something my dogs might drag in from the yard. I’m no longer surprised by the things that show up in my livingroom.

  131. Just to clarify, it wasn’t me…
    (note to self- do NOT try to woo her with a dead hamster.)
    ((EVEN IF IT HAS AWESOME WINGS))

  132. That hamster needs a ferris wheel, he’s far too cool for one of those silly “run yourself in a circle” wheels.

    I’d send you one, but it wouldn’t be anonymous at this point.

  134. I am now to the point that anytime I see something taxidermied in a thrift shop/antique store/etc, I think to myself “I should totally send that to The Blogess.” But alas, I did not send the dead hamster.

  135. I hope Victor never stops being willing to be your foil. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed so hard. My three-year-old wanted to know why I was sad.

  137. HST did it, he secretly hacked your eBay account and ordered himself a new chew thing. It’s his cry for help that he needs more toys. Help that poor kitty out.

  138. I can’t stop laughing at this. I hope someone tells you what this is though as I would love to see updates to this story.

    Have you tried looking in his mouth? If it were an envelope, that is one of two ways to open it I think.

  141. I’m guessing the crunchy is a bunch of those dessicant packets they put in shoes. ‘Cuz, you know, nothing spoils an anonymous gift of the mythical winged creature of Blorg quite like mold.

  144. i don’t know where you live but i wish i lived next door to you…you are funny haha and funny strange…my favorite kind of person!

  146. Heeeelllllloooo? He ATE the Corn Flakes. It’s like Toy Story but without the plastic, or Tom Hanks. All of dead animals reanimate when you aren’t looking and raid the pantry. Obviously this guy lived in Seinfeld’s old apartment before being shipped to you.

  147. Give it a ball of twine, take a picture of it, and call it Nathan Fillion. Ta Da! You now have a picture of Nathan Fillion holding a ball of twine!

  150. I hope someday I’m famous enough that someone sends me a dead hamster, stuffed with corn flakes with fake wings, SAID NO ONE EVER!!

  151. Wow! Best thing in my mail this week was a Christmas ornament with Whoopi Goldberg’s face on it. At least my package wasn’t crunchy sounding, that would have been bad since it’s glass and all. Oh well, never look a gift hamster in the mouth.

  153. Seriously? This is what it takes to get through to you?
    And how did they get your address anyway?
    Maybe the rodent started out alive, was abducted by the Borg and assimilated…

  156. No, I’m not the weirdo who sent you a box of dead hamster. Or guinea pig. Or whatever the heck that thing is. Or was.

  157. Has no-one else noticed the way the wings are BOLTED on? That thing is totally a fake, real fairly zombie cornflakey gerbils do not have to use bolts to keep their wings on. I think the hash marks on the wings are a very Frankenstein touch. Botched plastic surgery attempt with button thread in place of surgical sutures.

  158. OMG — I am ROLLIN’. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! It’s so creepy and wonderful all at the same time. The internet just gives and gives and gives. Hugs to HST.

  161. I feel I should be more freaked out by this than I am… but after following your blog for a while it kind of makes sense 🙂 Ok… the crunchy cornflake thing is pretty creepy! But wow… someone was thinking!

  162. Is the crunchy sound dried human skin INSIDE as well as out? Am I the only person who thought that? …

  163. I think you are the only person in the world who would receive a dead hamster in the mail and blog about it instead of being on the phone with the police.

    And do you really want to know who would be weird enough to send you a dead hamster in a box that is crunchy and didnt even send an explanation along with it?

  164. I feel like I’m slacking off because I did *not* send you anything dead. THANKS A LOT ANONYMOUS OVER-ACHIEVER! Sheesh… You’re amking the rest of us look terrible.

  165. Ok, I didn’t send this, but I think they were trying to impress you with your love of taxidermy. It looks like… homemade taxidermy. And the wings were just to spice it up.

    This might be a sign of things to come…

  166. I did not send you a dead squeeky. I assumed by the look of hidden horror at the two dead frogs I gave you, that I had freaked you out enough. Two dead frogs say, “I love you so much I want to be your best friend.”
    Two dead frogs and a dead squeeky says, “I love you so much I want to eat your face.”

    I don’t want to eat your face, Jenny. I think it looks perfect attached to your head. And I think it would be really hard to become your best friend if you were all pissed off because I ate your face.

    I should probably shut up now…

  167. I am not at all surprised that you got a dead hamster in the mail. I think that says more about your blog than it does about me.

  168. I kind of want to mail you a random dead animal just so I can read another blog post about it. Must think on what would be appropriately insane…

  169. haha. a fellow whovian noticed the hashmarks – well done, you. also, i have the horrible hamster dance song stuck in my head, so *thank you* 😉

  171. I agree with Nita: that flying Guinea-hamster needs to have friends with wings (preferably not ones they were born with) to turn into a rockin mobile. Can you see it? I sure can.

    Alas, I only send you PICTURES of dead animals, not actual dead animals.

  172. Give him enough time with Icarus, and HST will figure out what that dead thing is stuffed with.

    That’s a guarantee.

    For the love of God and all things holy, you MUST keep us posted when that thing gets beat wide open.

  173. I did not send you a dead badly stuffed poor little what ever it is…..but if you ever find a dead human stuffed with corn flakes in your mail box, then yeah, it’s probably from me….not that I mean anything creepy by it, it just seems like an ideal way to dispose of a freshly murdered work colleague..

  174. I really think you ought to open it up and see what is inside. I mean, it could be a ransom note or something!! Did you check and make sure Beyonce is still on the premises?

  178. My first instinct upon hearing you received a box of hamster was “Oh man… how rude of someone!”

    Of course, once I saw it I realized that it wasn’t hate mail at all. It was someone’s way of letting you know how totally awesome you are.

  179. can you look in his mouth? I used to feel all my stuffed animals cheerios… maybe this stuffed real animal ate them too?

  180. What freaks me out is how someone has your address. Time to move Jenny. Or, at least get a rabid dog you can keep out front to discourage lookyloos.

  183. HST (and your other cats) SERIOUSLY hit the lottery when they ended up being a part of your family.

  184. Never thought I’d say these words EVER, but no, I did not send you a dead flying hamster. I do hope, however, that you find out who your super fan is!!!

  185. To quote Hotel Transylvania ( and my kids) ” I didn’t do that!” But I do know that sometimes, catnip toys are crunchy like that. Maybe someone was sending a kitty toy to HST? And look how well that turned out!!! BINGO!

  186. Is it wrong that I envision my boyfriend and I have similar conversations someday soon, and the thought fills me with happiness?

  188. My theory — there is a secret cat QVC channel and in the deep of night while you slept HST got your credit card and treated himself to the day’s special offer.

  192. I didn’t send you a dead hamster with wings but I have to say, Jenny, you are not encouraging the red roses type. Think of it as a gift or move to England. Did it come to the post office or at your house? If at house: MOVE.

  195. I almost bought you a mink stole over the weekend. I’ve never actually seen a mink stole before that, I always assumed it was a stole made out of mink fur. This one was a whole mink, made into a stole. I kind of wish I had bought it. Hmmm, wonder if it’s still there?

  197. Did not send you a dead hamster, but did you see Corey Feldman commented on your site? My friend partied with him at comic con a few years back, had nothing but nice things to say about him.

  198. Oh. My. Gawd. Wasn’t me. Hey, maybe it is some sort of promo type thing like when you got the ParaNorman zombie thing in the mail…only this is for some creepy low budget film. CANNOT wait for the explanation to this mystery!!!

  199. So – how does a creepy stalker get your mailing address? I’m, um, asking for a friend. 🙂

    The smiley means I”M NOT CREEPY.

  200. HST knows a friend when he claws it. Nope on me as the suspect. But would anyone really admit to sending you an overly large non-living hamster?

  201. I so wish I could take credit for it, but alas, it wasn’t me. (Scared the dog again, laughing. Poor Penelope.) I got some ATCs in the mail yesterday, but I think this is more interesting.

  202. omg I’m trying so hard not to laugh in class. This is hilarious and horribly frightening at the same time. I’m hoping you have a good friend dying of laughter right now out there somewhere…

  205. Nope, I did not send you a box of dead hamster. I have 2 cats and a dog, and the kids are forever asking if we can add different species to our herd.

    Momma says NO!!

    I can send you a live Basset Hound tho. My oldest would be uber-pissed but I’d still do it. He smells like fucking Doritos ALL THE TIME. Drives me bonkers.

  207. Now I kind of want to take credit for sending you the box of hamster. lol.
    Alas, I did not. But I used the word “alas” so that’s got to count for something. Do I get a taco?

  208. I think it’s from a very big fan who is so modest s/he didn’t want to be heaped with all the thanks you were going to send. Like someone who donates big dollars to charity, anonymously.

  209. wow, I couldn’t stop giggling. I am now considering sending you something dead, squeaky, aith something else attached. anonymously of course, justz so you can post about it and make me giggle this hard again – btw, clearly the someone who sent this knows your cats by heart. I mean look how color-coordinated the two are together! oh, and no, it wasn’t me. but the next strange thing that you can post about may be mine. If I can find any decent dead thing…

    Squeaky love,
    Claudia

  211. If I were your mailman, I would insist you open packages right there on the porch so I could share these little magical moments.

  212. I have a more pressing question than who send the box of dead hamster (not me BTW):

    How do you not go insane washing all that floor? I couldn’t do it. I’m all anxious just thinking about it. Fuck that.

    Good luck to you and I hope you find out who sent you that great gift! LOL

  213. I agree with Karen …. LOL cant stop laughing… Hope you find out who made it and sent it to you. Priceless.

  214. I’ve had such a crappy day but the HST captions made me burst out laughing. Boy, did I need that. Thank you! (Box of dead hamster – the gift that keeps on giving.)

  216. No, I did not send you a box of dead hamster. But I would have, if I had known it would make Hunter S. Thomcat happy, because I love that fucking cat.

  217. Awww! HST looks so cute and cuddly with Mr. Deceased-Crunchy-Winged-Guinea! And those wings are totally wicked – I love ’em! I wonder if you’ll remember in a few days where this lovely creature came from yo. (preposition/endofsentence=bad)

  218. Maybe they stuffed it with dollar bills?!?

    I actually think its either a gopher or prairie dog with a shrunken down body to make it more creepy. Like whoever sent it thought, ‘A gopher is too big to ship. Lets trim it down a little so it will fit in a smaller box.’ And no, I most definitely did not send it. I did see a monkey’s head mounted on the wall behind the counter in the local antique shop which looked so strange, I almost wished I could have sent it to you. But I would have had to touch it. And I would most definitely enclose a note.

    At least he’s steampunk.

  220. It is not creepy at all. A perfect friend for HST until he eats it, then it’s called a snack; for Hunter, not for you.

  223. ” I THINK WE CAN THROW LOGIC OUT THE WINDOW HERE, Victor.

    Victor: That ship has sailed.”

    Ba ha ha ha!!!!

  226. Is it leprotic? I was in a discussion about taxidermied animals this weekend and it turns out armadillos carry leprosy so you might want to get that checked out. Also, leprotic: it’s a word.

  229. That is clearly a VALKYRIE hamster, or guinea pig, or whatever. It looks poised to take flight and save the universe. Just sayin’.

  230. No 67 Dudes, I’m guessing that’s a real confession! Also I think it’s super awesome. Honestly I’m only surprised that you are surprised someone sent a dead hamster with wings.

  232. I think it was Victor. He is acting all innocent and detached about the whole thing but inside he is giggling and clapping at the wonderous looks and puzzled shrugs every time you glance at the deadsqueakyflyingfurrythingy. Well played Victor, well played.

  233. Well on a selfish note now I now you have a model for your next book cover and it’s a little bit closer to completed!

  234. Hey Jenny, I’m pretty sure it’s a prairie dog, but I didn’t send it to you either. Although if I ever found any cute taxidermied animals for the right price, they would definitely be in a box headed to your house. All chotchkies need love.

  236. Did you see the comment posting from LE who said that it was she (or he??) that sent it! Comment #68. LE are you for real?

  238. Okay, I would totally send you a dead rodent. If I had one. But I would put a note in it.

    Not from me.

  239. I think it is kind of funny… but it also is kind of creepy… I cant decide which one it is! And dont even want to think about what is inside of it!!Ahhhhhhhhh

  241. Mostly what I love about this is how, whomever it was didn’t even try to attempt to give this crunchy, winged, wonderful madness anything even starting to resemble ‘proper’ eyes.

    It’s amazing though… and I hope you find out who, cause I kinda want one too.

  242. Dammit, tried to make a “when pigs have wings” joke and evidently wound up sounding ominous.

    But, wait… I just realized… This means I can sound ominous! Whoop!

    (Totes didn’t send you a dead hamster from across the Atlantic, Jenny.)

  245. I don’t know, I think the wings are kind of nifty. It’s not really THAT bad … okay, maybe the face is that bad… and the crunchiness, that’s pretty bad too. The wings though, those are some pretty nice wings.

    Okay, I just reread my comment and it sounds like I’m defending the poor / odd / bewildering decision to send you a box of dead hamster. Not so. I am merely admiring the creativity of attaching wings to a deceased, breakfast cereal filled rodent. That’s all.

    Reading that comment I’ve realized it now sounds like I’m the culprit. I assure you, it was not me.

  246. As much as HST is loving on it, I’m wondering if the “crunchy” is a plastic baggy o’ catnip. Hope you find the sender soon (or “Congratulations” if you already have, I only skimmed the first few dozen comments).

    🙂 Much <3!!

  248. Can’t imagine why anyone would send you something like that and not take credit for it. Or at least attach a name tag. Obviously they know your interest in such items. Why not put a note with it?

  250. It kind of looks like a dead baby sloth to me. Maybe it died because it’s arms were a bit too short. Google the pics. Didn’t send it, but loved the post. Someone was delightfully creative.

  254. That hamster-guinea pig-small dog-gopher thing is kind of freaking me out… Mostly because of the wings. WTF are those things made of?

  255. I seriously cannot get through the day without this blog. A stuff hamster with wings…who thinks this shit up? I don’t care, cause it is a whole lot of awesome-sauce funny!!

  256. The cat is clearly saying, “I will name his George, and I will hug him and pet him, and squeeze him…” 🙂

  257. The Husband heard me giggling…a lot and came to investigate. He thinks it’s a gopher. I asked him what information he had to support his claim. He blinked a couple times and then said “That site makes you sassy.” I feel like I’ve won some sort of small victory here.

  258. I kind of liked the wings.

    Only if they aren’t actually made out of skin. Because that would be freaky.

    Maybe you could have them tested? It could help you track the sender. Or maybe you sent it to yourself during a bout of sleepwalking and just don’t remember.

  261. I am not sure which is more awesome: Leonardo Di Squeeksi or your conversation with Victor.

  262. You know, Jenny, it’s really not that odd for you to be sent a dead hamster (or guinea pig for that matter)… you know, considering. Now if *I* got a dead hamster in the mail, that would be freaking weird.

  263. I have to say, your posts make me laugh…a lot! Thanks and it was not me who sent it, but it could have been my cats.

  265. I almost bought and sent you a stole made out of full size minks….heads and feet still attached. The thing was $30 though….so fuck that.

  266. HST and Leo should have a love child. It would have to be adopted since they are obviously an interspecies couple. They could name it Johnny Depp so everyone would love it.

  267. Ummm….can you imagine if all of your taxidermied friends came alive and partied at night when you are sleeping… with all of the creatures in your doll house and your dolls?

    Zombie critters!!!! Ahhhh!!!!

  268. The cobra/Mongoose battle is hands down my favorite entry of your. I get stitches reading it everytime.

  269. I would love to stuff something dead for you but generally when I do something like that, I put it in the oven, not the mail. Come for dinner sometime, ‘k?

    “Dead Thing of the Month Club”? Brilliant!

  270. I’m far more disturbed at the bad taxidermy.

    So, ‘Le’ @ comment 67 please stop killing your pets.
    Perhaps Father of The Bloggess can offer you some lessons using road kill?

  273. Nope, nothing scary here. Dead hamsters in the mail: taxidermied = perfectly appropriate; innards and gory bits still intact = time to move house.

  277. i’m less concerned that you were sent a dead *something* with wings and more concerned that it’s hair looks like a mess. if i sent someone something dead, and i’m not saying that i did, i’d at least brush the dead something’s hair. rude…

  278. I have an important question for Jenny that isn’t relevant to Departed Hamster. Am I allowed to make a celebratory t-shirt with a pic of Jenkins that says, “OH MY GOD! ISN’T THIS AWESOME? Who are your friends?!?” and maybe Happy Thanksgiving 2012 in small type at the bottom or on the back. Or can I get a special one designed so I can order it on your Cafe Press? Ok, so that turned into many important questions.

  279. that is some creepy shit. and just in time for halloween. at least the cats like him? her? and are you sure those are wings? they kind of look like some freaky crucifix.

  281. Holy balls that thing is disturbing as fvck. Most of your dead things, I totally am jealous. This, I would scream and try to burn the house down just because it had been in there. Kinda like when there’s a giant spider that I have to kill myself if I can’t convince a cat to eat it. Because that’s what cats are for. Especially when it’s one of those crazy fast things with a billion and five legs. My cat Tess is AWESOME at catching those.

    Note: I don’t actually try to burn my house down, but man do I think a firebombing would be necessary if there were a LOT of bugs.

  283. I SO wish I had thought to send you a box of dead hamster. When I first read the title my brain put an “s” on the end of hamster and I was expecting multiple hamsters, but one with wings is a little bit cooler than a bunch without wings.

  284. Peruvian flute music. If it’s a guinea pig, you need the flute music. And a Peruvian knit hat.
    On a side note not related to guinea pigs, Peruvian music or South Park, HST is all legs!
    Lord, I think that boy’ll be a bigun.

  285. you know what amazes the holy fuck out of me?

    Why are you not mentioned on the Wall Texas homepage as its most famous person???

  286. Definitely a guinea pig. If you’re not sure, just check its butt. Useless little stump of a tail? Hamster. No tail at all? Guinea pig. And the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.

  288. Aaaand now I’m remembering the old B.Kliban cartoon in which one cat says to another, “If I had two dead rats, I’d give you one.”

  289. Since I see the mystery is already solved via the comments, I just want to say that I only ever send you LINKS to dead things on Twitter. Is it flattering that you get random shit in the mail? Chilling? Both? ^^

  290. Why didn’t I ever think to bolt wings to my dead hamsters? I was too busy burying them in my parent’s flower garden.

  292. Yes, Definitely name that abomination Icarus. That is the most perfect name ever.
    I wish I had sent Icarus to you. I feel like I’ve failed by not doing it.

  293. Icarus. His name is Icarus. And the crunchies are catnip, just for Hunter S Thomcat.
    Cheers. 😉

  294. Maybe it’s crunchy because inside there is a treasure map and you think it’ll lead to gold, but really it’s to a chest of a taxidermied egret riding a cactus and drinking gin. But that kind of sounds like Bloggess gold, so maybe it would be real gold? Or at least the name of the hamster/guinea pig (I agree with Victor on this one).

  296. Oh, jesus. I have to read through the comments before posting next time. Leonardo DeSqueeksi seems like a lovely name for a semi-flying hamster…..

  299. Dead Hamsters in the mail beat out the slightly used condom a disgruntled co worker stuck under my windshield wiper once. Maybe it was her.

  300. Yup, Victor is right – it’s a guinea pig. A disturbing, taxidermied guinea pig, with wings made of skin. I think this is just a bit too twisted even for you, my dear lady. But apparently, not too twisted for the cat.

  301. I wonder how many of us actually read the comments to find out who claimed the ownership. I think it’s awesome. Like, SO awesome. That’s a fan base, yo!

  302. COREY FELDMAN?! Holy hand grenades! And also, I was going to blame Victor, until “Le” owned up to it. And I think it needs a unicycle. Just my 2 cents here. =)

    PS- I NEVER get cool mail =(

  303. I did not send you a box of dead mystery rodent.

    And yes, that looks way too big to be a hamster. I love looking at the hamsters in pet stores. Or maybe I’ve only seen babies? It’s possible, I suppose.

  305. Before I scrolled down far enough to see that the mystery was solved, I was bemused to find that “rodent with wings” yields 19 hits on Etsy.

  307. Oh, lord, this was good. Been a while since I took the time to read all of the comments … fucking hilarious. My favorite is Allegory’s husband’s comment, “That site makes you sassy.” Major complement!

    It looks like a guinea pig. If it is a hamster it was either a mutant or seriously overfed 🙂

    As far as the crackly stuffing … there are dog toys that have a filling that sounds like you described. Maybe that or some heavy duty plastic wrap, the kind you find on gift baskets? Your friend Le could be recycling in more ways that one!

  309. I was laughing so hard at this, that my husband asked me to calm down and not wake our baby. Fun hater!

    This is by far the most hysterical, yet disturbing, thing I have ever seen in a blog. Looks like I subscribed to your blog just in time for the best post ever!

  310. oh yea, it kind of looks like those Quiznos singing hamsters…There are some rather large hamsters out there though, teddy bear hamster maybe?

  311. Well, I didn’t send you a dead hamster/guinea pig/gerbil, but if you’d like, I could send you some dead fish. One died of natural causes, the second died of a broken heart, and the third was murdered by his tank mate. All have been buried, but can very easily make their way into your home. Also, they come with their own special little coffins!

  312. I didn’t send it, but my bigger concern is…how the hell do total strangers know your home address? Of course I am not surprised that people send you dead things…I am surprised that you are.

  313. I was going to comment that it was more creepy than the cut up snake, until I found out it was named Leonardo Di Squeeksi. Aw!

  315. I’m commenting here just because I can, because it’s going to be buried in the middle of hundreds and thousands of comments, and it won’t be read. And I mean really, it won’t. But as usual, excellent blog. Wonderful use of the Amurikin language. I just can’t get enough. And no, I didn’t send you Mr. Pickles the Hamster/Guinea Pig. But now, if I found something dead and amazing looking in some dusty shop in the middle of Nowhere, Washington (the state, not DC!) then I now know EXACTLY what to do with it. Thank you, Bloggess!

  317. But can it FLY? That’s what we all want to know. And if it can…don’t ever let HST find out. He’s totally the type to get high on catnip and go guinea pig gilding through your living room.

  318. I can’t say that’s ever happened to me. I don’t get dead rodents in the mail. Thank god!

    Enjoy the new addition to your menagerie.

  319. I think it’s safe to say that you have a stalker with admirable (though rather odd) taste. However, if it were me who’d sent such a unique specimen, I’d want to take full credit for the ingenuity.

  320. It does look like a guinea pig. Or some kind of furry larvae, per the second photo.

  321. This totally made my whole night! Not that it takes much these days. I’m sitting alone in my apartment drinking vodka spiked mango lemonade because the husband creature is working swing shift now and I don’t know what to do with myself. Come to think of it my lemonade may be why I find a dead winged rodent so hilarious.

  323. Hahaha oooh, sweet mercy! My sides ache! 😀

    First off; Le, Mr Leonardo Di Squeeksi is a beauty. I don’t know much about taxidermy, but for a first try, I’d say you did well.

    The photos of Di Squeeksi and HTS are TOO CUTE! I’m a bit worried tho, I think perhaps Di Squeeksi risks being huggled to bits and pieces by HTS. HTS looks a bit like he’s into tough love. Of course, how anyone could manage to take Di Squeeksi away from him now that he’s had a taste of hamsterluuub, is above me…

  325. Maybe you’ve enraged the taxidermist mafia and they’re sending you this as a warning that they’re coming after you. It’ll be a badly-stuffed horse head underneath your pillow next.

    That thing isn’t a hamster. It isn’t a guinea pig, either. I mean, it WAS a guinea pig when it was alive, now it’s something else entirely…

  330. Maybe it is a magical steampunk fairy hamster, and if you open it and eat the cornflakes within, all your wishes will be granted (although you might also find some extraneous gears etc lying about).

  331. Is it wrong that I laugh really hard any time one of your conversations with Victor ends with him telling you to stop talking?

    Also I suspect that this post was just an excuse to post more pictures of Hunter S. Thomcat. With a dead, winged rodent.

  335. I did not send you a box of dead hamster (it’s important to be clear from the start), but I can tell you that is definitely a guinea pig. I know this because I taxidermied a guinea pig myself a few weeks ago* and I was surprised how small it was.

    *It was a ‘beginners taxidermy’ class. He went wrong. I made him a Phantom of the Opera costume to hide his disfigurement. None of this is making this story sound less weird. I will stop now.

  337. Was not me but I have to say I am slightly jealous of you getting such cool things in the mail from strangers. All I ever get is bills and the occasional ebay purchase.

  338. Oh, OHHHHH. That first picture with kitty looks like that should totally be the ‘falling in love and spinning around together in a field of flowers while Celine Dion caterwauls something barely understandable in octaves only dogs can hear montage’ part of a romance movie. The LOVE kitty has for the rodent apparently fused to Ewok wings is undeniable and precious.

    Wow. This picture has made my day, and it’s only 8:30. ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE.

  342. Seriously, how do people even get your home address? Is it posted somewhere? Was there a billboard? If so, why aren’t you getting more awesome in the mail everyday? If this is how one gets awesome things in the mail, I may have to post my address somewhere.

  344. It’s quite clear that HST ordered it, charged it to you on the sly, and then it was shipped to the billing address.

    Plus, I would stop opening anonymous packages without having them x-rayed or some shiz first.

  345. They sent you bed bugs… in a pretty package. “Dead Rodent in the Mail” is like fourth or fifth on the list of ways you can get those.

  346. That thing is so worthy of being insured that the post office MUST have a form on it somewhere. I think it’s time to waylay the postman and get some answers.

    My personal belief: it’s from that same friend who helped you buy Beyonce the chicken.

  347. wait…we can send fan mail?Where can i send fan mail? ;0) I’d really love to send some and share.

  348. Wait, i just saw the address under advertising.I guess i can send fan mail there?I feel silly now =( Oh well lol

  349. I really need to make better friends. No one sends me anything interesting! All I got in the last 12 months that was remotely amusing was an Anniversary card from a good friend. Doesn’t sound interesting until you know that I actually received the exact same card from the same friend twice in a week. I kindly sent her a bottle of Focus Factor. Cuz I’m good like that. 😉

    I also need to shop in better quality stores. I never find neat stuff like dead hamsters with wings at Target.

  352. THANK YOU bunnyface! I was TOTALLY creeped out by the eyes. Not cool. Very unsettling. Oh and the whole box of dead hamster – kinda cool/weird. I hope someone owns up to this brilliance!

  354. Oh My Disney… that’s Rhino! Maybe Mittens became jealous of Rhino and Bolts relationship so she killed him. It would make sense with him being stuffed with styrofoam if you think about it.

  355. I have seen a niche in the gift market and set up my own business sending organic hate gifts to douche bags….I was initially tempted to post my address on my blog to see if I got cool stuff in the post in addition to the free pens from cancer research, but now I have started Kitty Krap, I am worried that I may end up being the biggest recipient of what I have to sell…………

  357. I’m guessing it’s someone you know since it came to your home mail — unless you shared your home address and I missed it — because I got some things I could send to you!

    Ah ha ha!

  359. Hmmm. Sending a present and forgetting to include the card is something I would do/have done/many time. Maybe it was supposed to come with a printed gift message? Amazon has forgotten to include my printed gift cards on numerous occasions…

  361. Uh, I think I might be slightly responsible for this. Not that I sent it to you.

    But I was there when Le brought it to a party (in that she’d done it earlier that day and was then going to a party and wanted to show it to everyone, not that she’d done particularly FOR the party) and I did suggest that she send it to you… and apparently she did.

    So, yes. Glad to hear it all got sorted out.

  364. In High School my punk-rock boyfriend and I held a viking funeral for my dead hamster, Thomas-George. We constructed a float of popsicle sticks and set his cardboard box/casket ablaze and afloat. I feel like I missed a real opportunity now that I see what one can do with a dead hamster when you REALLY open your mind…

  366. I read the RSS post and ABSOLUTELY HAD to come over here to see if anyone claimed the dead rodent. No such luck. Damn!

  369. OMG. That first picture of HST with the dead critter is hilarious. FUCKING HILARIOUS.

    I’m planning on sending you something but don’t have any dead animals to include in the package. I feel like you’ll be disappointed.

  370. I don’t think it was supposed to be a box of dead hamster. Not originally, at least.
    I think maybe Victor is right and it was a guinea pig. And because I’m an amateur sleuth, I have deduced that it mailed itself to you and died on the way.
    Here’s how the story goes:
    Guinea Pig found out about your loving home for bizarre animals and dressed in her best, most-impressive finery (the wings) in order to appeal to your “I NEED THIS CREATURE!” side. It was like she was Red Dressing herself in order to be adopted by you. She made up her postage box and filled it with corn flakes because she figured she’d probably get hungry at some point during shipping. While she was smart enough to remember food – and, really, that’s not all the smartful because ‘pigs are always thinking of food – she was not smart enough to think of other things like water and oxygen.
    So she got herself packed into the box. I’m not sure how she sealed it; I’d need to see the packaging and would have to send pictures to analysts somewhere to get that level of knowledge. I’m thinking that she started eating the corn flakes almost immediately because, really, what else is there to do for a winged guinea pig in a dark box? Then she started choking and realized she didn’t have any water to wash said cereal down the gullet and she suffocated on lodged morsels of crunchy flakes. That explains the bulgey eyes.
    She would have chewed her way out of the box in order to save herself but, remember, her mouth (and the rest of her body, apparently) was full of corn flakes, so…she died and was mailed and voila! There you have it.
    Mystery solved.

  371. Is it just me, or did the person who stuffed that dead hamster (maybe with catnip?) forget to put in some glass eyeballs? It looks like the zombie apocalypse has started with the rodent population.

  373. The person who sent it to you has left several comments on your Facebook feed. Just thought you should know!

  375. I saw that someone is trying to put together a list to answer the question “How do you love yourself?” When you are depressed and your self-worth is next to nothing, where do you go? She’s asking that people share in comments some of your resources. If any of you have any ideas, please share them at
    http://sophy.livejournal.com/1354869.html

  377. ummmmm…..Holy shit balls….Corey Feldman!! Please please please send her a pic of you holding twine!!

  378. I love your kitten. He’s just like my pussum, 15 1/2 years ago. He will be a beautiful grown up pussum too. I hate to ask, but wonder if the Squeeki smells.

  379. If you squish him, will he deflate and stay that way or does he pop back out to his normal size? Process of elimination that if he pops back it can’t be corn flakes. No way. Oh, and it wasn’t me.

  380. Looking at HST playing with Mr. Squeaky I heard the music “you’ve got a friend in me” playing in my head. Cool.

  382. So…I just came across this in my Google Reader and it made me think of you. It’s a poster of guinea pigs or hamsters or something. Let me just say that if I ever saw one of the Peruvian ones in real life, I would totally have some sort of hysterical breakdown. Rodents with long flowing locks creep me out. http://cubiclerefugee.tumblr.com/post/32763472848

  383. My father once thought it would be a good idea to mail me a small box of avocados. Why? I don’t know because I don’t even eat avocado. Anyway when I opened the box they had molded so badly I thought my father has actually send me a dead animal. I was so freaked out I called my mother and ask if my father had lost his mind and mailed me a dead animal. My mother responded with, “Did he send you those avocados? I told him not to do that!” That was over 30 years ago and I still have PTSD for opening that box and looking inside.

  384. Ok….I’m craving cornflakes now!

    Also….wtf?! Who thinks to send a stuffed dead hamter/guinea pig complete with wings?! It’s genius in its madness!

  385. You get all the awesome stuff in the mail. All I get are bills, catalogs, and my cat food subscription from Amazon (the cats look kind of scary when i forget their food, so I just have it on order all the time).

    But the excitement that you received from this…

    I need to go shopping and start sending all of my friends and relatives dead things. But not people, because that’s just illegal.

  386. I did not send you a dead hamster/guinea pig. But when my guinea pig dies, maybe I will. Also last summer my cat killed a really big squirrel. I wish now that I had known you liked stuffed dead animals and I would have totally sent you that really big squirrel. I think my cat is a rock star for bringing that mutha down.

  387. I am so jealous of your awesome mail!! I wish someone would send me hidden messages via dead rodent in the mail!

  388. I wonder if his wings serve some kind of purpose… Have you tried launching him into space?

    Also… What’s wrong with his eyes?!? Dear Lord, man… WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIS EYES?!?!?

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  389. Dead hamster in the mail is like the severed horse head in “The Godfather”. Except it signifies “I like your blog.” The internet has weird communication issues.

  390. I feel a bit inept that I can’t even find that creature. Mouth, nose, ears…that sort of thing. It’s like I think I see it, but eventually it all just blends into one big inkblot test and I feel like I’m failing it…hmm…

  391. i was having a really shitty day and i read this blog and i felt a million times better. (i have SAD and it’s getting to be that time of year) i can’t thank you enough

  394. I don’t know if it’s just me but that thing looks battle ready in the first pic. He would look great in 3D … just sayin’

  395. fuuuuuuck that’s what I got you, now I have to friggen return it and find something else to send you.

  397. I was out running errands recently and pulled over to take a picture of a taxidermied coyote for you. my daughter told me not to and I replied that Victor would probably not want you to see this anyway and the guy wanted $1000. for it anyway!

  400. Is it supposed to be a hamster that’s seen The Silence? And is trying to escape from the government with Icarus-like wings? That’s the only explanation I can think of for the hash marks on the wings….did it come with a small Sharpie marker?

  401. I…well, I think I was a little disturbed there for a minute. Okay, I’m still disturbed, but maybe somebody is sending you a gift?

    P.S. It wasn’t me. I usually send chocolates or cookbooks.

  402. No one has claimed responsibility yet? If it’d been me, I’d have been ALL OVER IT. He’s cute, except the eyes. They’re a little creepy, but the wings make up for it. I think he’s an airbender, what say you?

  404. That is quite possibly the ugliest winged corn-flaked filled hamster/guinea pig I have ever seen in my entire life. The person who sent it anonymously probably did so because he/she was too embarrassed to include his/her name.

    Also, I’m pretty sure I would not allow my cat to french kiss Mr. Squeaky, even though my cat is a bulimic pain in the ass, because Lord knows where his misshapen rodent whiskers have been.

  406. I think this is my Guinea Pig “Harriett” that my friend Andrea and I buried in a shoe box about 30 years ago. She wanted to make a mummy, so she added all sorts of spices and stuff, so it would be preserved. Somebody must have dug it up and sent it to you. She is a doctor now. True story. Most of it anyway. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.

  407. When I met you, you thought the rooster-shaped martini shaker I gave you was filled with the ashes of….someone, I’m not sure who you thought was in there. But I officially apologize for thinking that was weird. Apparently ashes are not only de rigueur for you, but a little on the boring side.

  410. I cannot believe you would find a box of dead hamster disturbing. In fact, I should think you would say, “Oh, how thoughtful.”

  411. What’s really disturbing is that these people have your address. I’d be scared if I opened a box of dead hamster.

  412. FANTASTIC but it is not the dead hamster that impressed me but the fact that this entry has 407 fucking comments!!

    I love you!

  413. Today I was at an antique mall in New Bedford, Mass. and OMG! Not only did they have taxidermied animals (a fox with its lower jaw falling off was my favorite), but it had full size Beyonces for $250!! And small ones for $50. But the Beyonces had friends – pigs, penguins, storks and more. They were AWESOME. Just letting you know in case you’re ever in New Bedford, you should seriously go shopping there.

  414. I have been wracking my brain for nearly a year trying to figure out how to write a fan letter to some celebrity… and now I learn all I had to do was send a crunchy hamster. You never think of the simple things until someone points it out to you.

  415. I’m really thinking you could use some fishing wire and make one helluva hamstermobile to hang above your desk. Like a conscious, but different.

  416. That first picture is really, really terrifying. Are there even eyes? I totally get sending you a taxidermied animal, ’cause you love those and it’s a nice “saw this and thought of you” thing. But… that hamster/guinea pig/prarie dog/ewok is a bit off kilter. I hope it was properly preserved and it’s not going to get Hunter S. sick. Because that would really, really suck.
    I hope you find out who sent it and you like it more than I do! And that HsT can safely love it for a long time, since he seems to like it quite a lot.

  417. Now that the mystery of the dead whateveritis has been solved. I just want to say that your HST..or HTS, or whatever your orange cat’s name is, he looks like OUR orange cat. but angrier. Do you have any happy pictures of said orange cat?

  426. The last thing I got in the mail was two tubes of test strips for my glucometer. Your mail is a)creepier and b)funnier. If there isn’t already a Dead Thing of the Month club, maybe this last arrival is an attempt to start one? Sadly, there’s no more moola in the budget for another subscription; I’m sure my two felines would love it but they have no income, disposable or otherwise.

  427. I’m pretty sure the cats sent away for it. My cats are very jealous.

  428. Some days I wish I was a famous blogger…..other days I realize being a famous blogger means dead animals in the mail. There’s a definite trade off for success. 🙂

  429. After the pictures with HST, I can’t get ‘Last Dance with Mary Jane’ out of my head…

    You get the BEST surprise mail! Thanks for sharing it with us.

  430. When I saw the Pawn Stars episode with the taxidermist who made a weird creepy head out of a upside-down deer’s butt, a bobcat jaw and some eyes she had lying around, I thought of you.

  436. Isn’t that a gerbil? Which begs the question, why is he in his Halloween costume so early? He’s going to get it dirty.
    Also, from the front, he looks like he’s in a gang and bought his gold chains at the “Gold by the Yard” store.

  438. Rosemary: What have you done to its eyes?
    Roman: He has his father’s eyes.
    Rosemary: What are you talking about?! Guy’s eyes are normal! What have you done to him? You maniacs!
    Roman: Satan is his father, not Guy. He came up from hell and begat a son of mortal woman. Hail, Satan! Satan is his father and his name is Adrian. He shall overthrow the mighty and lay waste their temples. He shall redeem the despised and wreak vengeance in the name of the burned and the tortured. Hail, Adrian! Hail, Satan! Hail, Satan!

  439. That picture of Mr. Squeaky? It shows that there’s someone for everyone. Each of us has a soul mate. Even dead hamster/guinea pigs with human skin wings.

  440. “WHY WOULD SOMEONE SEND ME A BOX OF DEAD HAMSTER?” – this would be a perfectly reasonable question coming from most people, but this is *you*, Jenny. If I had a box of dead hamster you are the person I’d send it to.

  441. I like the bell on the wings. That way you’ll hear him coming when he’s flying at you.

  442. OH MY GOD. I can’t handle this. I can’t. I’m dying. I’m dead. I’m rotting.

    ….I just have a lot of feelings…

  443. OMG…I am having the crappiest of days and this just made me laugh so hard. I do adore your conversations with Victor!!!!
    THANK YOU!

  445. I think even if I had a dead, crunchy hamster…. wait…. why would I ever have that?
    I’ve lost my train of thought……

  446. Not sure which is better, that a fan sent you a taxidermied hamster, or your reciprocation “Sending you an autographed copy of my book since it’s the only thing I’ve ever made (except for my daughter, which you can’t have.) ~Jenny”

    You brighten my day.

  447. OMG – I think that’s the freaky ass Quiznos rat. Remember that commercial? Put a bowler hat on that little guy and warble out “They got a pepper bar!!!” It’s him!

  448. Golden hamsters get quite large, and that’s exactly what this looks like. I once got a coconut mailed to me anonymously, and not from Hawaii, either. Anonymous mailed gifts are creepy enough (who are you? how did you get my mailing address? why did you send that? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?), but if I got a dead thing I would be super creeped out. You’re a collector, though, so it’s more of a misguided sweet gesture. Your hamster and my coconut are kindred spirits, really.

  449. Could it be a lemming? Wings would be good if the ghost of Walt Disney planned on tossing you off a cliff for a “nature” movie.

  453. Victor is really brilliant right about now.

    Run. Hide. Avoid the concept of dead hampsters in the mail at all costs. It’s for your own good.

  455. Your blog info specifically states, that you will not accept gifts other then bla bla bla AND badly taxidermied animals…… (and no, i didnt send it to you either) xx

  456. I’m totally with Lesli and went right to the Quiznos rat. WTF, over.

  458. That is terrifying. Not the hamster/guinea pig so much as the human skin wings, because I agree with you, they totally look like human skin. Not that I’ve ever made wings out of human skin…

  459. Oh holy crapballs. That is pretty funny. A little odd, even for you. I would be all paranoid that it had a video/microphone in it….. Does it’s eyes follow you???? I think this could be a new thing for you. You should randonmly send it with a note asking for them to send it too… we can see how far it gets! Plus, you don’t have to live with it in your house!

  461. I’m not sure where to post this, but Jenny, you inspire me so much with all you do… I tried to pass along the crazy-good love and recommended Wish Upon A Hero to a friend of mine whose cat needs eye surgery (cats get eye surgery?). Is there any chance you can send some of your bloggy awesomeness her way? Or maybe just send me a picture of you holding twine?

    https://www.wishuponahero.com/wishes/?id=1279857

    P.S. Mr. Tom Mumbles reminds me of an older, slightly more squinty Hunter S. Tomcat.

    LOVE from Margaret

  465. Wow. Your fans are truly…um…inspirational? Not really sure what to call that. Helpful? I guess we could settle with ‘good at pleasing your cats’.

  466. OMG, I L-O-V-E you, Jenny! You bring joy and laughter to me. It’s a very special thing in my life.

    I had to scroll through to see if anyone came forward to claim him. Le, I think you get it in a way that I never, ever can. It was beautiful. 🙂 Please, oh, please, tell us why he is cruchy!

  468. The hamster thing is giving me flashbacks to those weird Quiznos commercials with the singing rodents. Annnnddd nightmares.

  471. i just came by to tell you about someone that i wanted to tell her about you, but she allready had you on her site. boobs, injuries, and dr. pepper. i found her online and wanted to tell her about you, but sob she’s allready got your link on her blog. but had to come check you out, i’m reading your book, and this post just made me laugh and cry all at the same time, and sorry it looks like a guinea pig, with wings made out of brown grocery bag? or hell human skin, that’s the ticket. so hope to go read the blog i posted above, check out the one called parents 1, teenage son 0. something like that, it is classic. and by the way i love your blog, and your book. you made me smile, and that takes some doing!

  473. Would you mind checking the postage cancellation stamp? I seem to be missing a few hours from a while back. Oh, and my rodent is missing, as well.
    (ps: Do you, in fact, also enjoy hedgehogs?)
    (pps: What? No reason…just making conversation.)

  474. I was just catching up on the blog, and happened to read this one, and the one from when you were in Minneapolis which was acctually a repost, but you wanted them to send you 4 cats…well maybe they sent you a dead hamster box instead…now you should add them to your blog and advertise for them maybe??

  475. Good Lord!! Did you ever think the “did you send me a box of dead hamster?” post would get to 500 damn comments?? Honestly, I don’t know why everyone is so shocked! You love the weirdest, craziest, creepiest stuffed animals! I mean, it is kind of weird that it is crunchy, and they didn’t send a card, but still, I would have sent it to you if I had it and had your address. This is very hysterical!
    Devan

  476. A merchandising request – I love the picture (and caption) re: “Look at you Mr. Squeaky. You. Are. Perfect”. I would LOVE to have these on a greeting card, because, let’s face it, we would ALL be better off if someone told us We. Are. Perfect. once in a while. Can you think about it? Thank you!

  480. I sent a box of bees to a dude and he freaked out way more. They were dead bumblebees my dog caught so i didn’t have to cut anything open or drain anything. So, yours wins. you should be more concerned about these types of items though.

  482. It would be really sad if Victor was not . . . well, Victor – who would be the humorous foil for your writing?

  483. OMG I am stifling my laugh so I don’t wake up Husband…I fucking love you and Victor!

    And I think I just peed myself from holding my laugh in………..

  484. First of all…

    Best pictures of a cat in love with a hamster/guineapig/deadthingwithwings. Looks like it was a screen shot of a movie production.

    Secondly…

    Scrolling through these comments of debating what the hell that “DEAD thing with wings” is is definitely more interesting than any presidential debate. Have you found out what it is?
    @kennajanke

  486. thats is really strang why a dead hamster with wings it looks like a hamster that died asleep with its eyes open

  487. now i proble cant sleep now i have seen a dead hamster and wen i sleep im going to thank there is a dead hamster in my bed and then i will never sleep in my bed agian

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