He’s the silent killer. Like carbon monoxide.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

Conversation with Victor last week:

me: I think Hunter S. Thomcat is trying to kill me in my sleep.

Victor: I think you’d be the first person killed by a kitten ever.

me: If it’s going to happen to someone wouldn’t you think it would be me?

Victor:  Point taken.

me:  I keep waking up with his cat hands around my neck and he’s squeezing as hard as he can.  If he had thumbs I’d be dead right now.

Victor:  He’s probably just trying to hug you.

me:  To death.  He’s been taking lessons from Copernicus.

Victor:  You’re over-reacting.

me:  He’s glaring at me like “Why are you still breathing?  So annoying.”

Victor:  I worry about you.

me:  You’re right to.

So then I decided to make a video the next time HST got affectionate and/or murderous and this is what I got:

In my defense, he seems much more menacing in the dark.

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by ibotta, a free app that lets you earn real cash just by scanning your receipts from Target, Walmart or Walgreens.  This is way beyond couponing.  Check it out before they close the doors.

319 thoughts on “He’s the silent killer. Like carbon monoxide.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You always find the best stuff on the web. When I think I’ve reached the end of the internet – you post this and I discover there’s so much more…

  2. He’s kneading you, like a kitten does his mother to make her produce milk. Awwww! Cats mostly grow out of that, but I’ve noticed my male cats tend to do it longer/their whole life. Cats will especially be drawn to wool. I had a blanket at the foot of my bed that I kept for my Thomas, and every night he would knead before settling into sleep. <3 <3 <3 only 6 more weeks before my lease is up and I can move to a place that allows pets!

  3. That is so freaking adorable! I had a dog that tried to kill me by sitting on me. He was 100lbs and thought he was a lap dog. I was about 110lbs when I had him. I swear he wanted to smother me in love…looks like HST wants to do the same to you!

  4. Not quite buying the “Fearsome killer” thing, but then maybe that’s what makes him so good at it.

  5. Also, why does your commentluv hate me? 🙁 It never finds my last post and it’s tragic this time because I actually could’ve used the help LOL

  6. I thought it was EVERY cat’s mission to eventually cause the death of their owners?

    Mine hangs out at the top of the basement stairs waiting for me to come by carrying something I can’t see over the top of….

    Every. Single. Day.

  9. OMG I just died. I want that cat hug so bad right now. He is trying to kill you with kitty snuggles!

  11. That’s what our kitty does at night! I keep thinking she’s trying to suffocate me or knead my jugular to death, but she’s so cute while doing it…aww…it’s okay kitty. You can snuggle my neck with with your claws…

  14. First of all, Hunter S. Thomcat. I will never get over that because it is perfect. Also: my cat doesn’t hug my neck, but she does snuggle very aggressively; for a while, every morning I would wake up with her sitting on top of me. She got very irate when I turned over and/or sat up.

  15. See? That’s precisely why I’m more of a dog fan. I think he’s trying to eat your larynx out.

  17. “A hug is like a strangle that you haven’t finished yet.” — Copernicus
    That cat is adorable.

  18. Oh my God, that’s the CUTEST KITTEN EVER AND I CAN’T WAIT ANY LONGER I NEED A KITTEN!!! My husband’s argument against it is “there’s no more room in this house for another cat box.” Pssshht, I say. Pssshhhtttt.

  19. O. M. G. That is BEYOND adorable! I have an orange tabby too and and he also super affectionate/murderous!

  22. I don’t think it’s you he’s trying to kill. I think he’s trying to commit mass murder on your readers by killing us with cuteness.

  23. I could not love that video more! It is adorable how much he loves you! Is it really crazy that I want him to love me that much?

  25. OMFG why does your cat love you so much?! My cat used to HATE ME. I’m so jealous! I want kitty snuggles too, even if they border on murderous.

  26. A) Holy crap, he’s gotten so big! He looks about the same size/age as my Isis! B) Can he come over to my house and teach my Isis how to be affectionate? She seems to think that loves = bites, and it’s just not cute anymore.

  28. You’re all worried about the cat and stuff and meanwhile I’m pretty sure one of those dolls behind you moved and/or sent me a death threat in ASL while you were filming that. I don’t actually “speak” sign language and I’ve had a lot to drink tonight but I’m pretty sure about this.

  30. HE IS SUCH A SWEETIE!!

    I’m pretty sure he’s not trying to kill you. I mean, most feline habits that seem really endearing are actually signs they are plotting your demise, but he could just be really affectionate. He is still young and has yet to become a jaded sociopath.

    There’s still time…

  32. Be glad he is small. Maggie likes to suffocate me by sitting between my shoulder blades while I’m sleeping. She is massive; I say fat, my husband says fuzzy.

  33. awww your his human. he is cuddling you & youve replaced his mommy . i have 7 year old mango do the same thing .

  34. He isn’t giving you kisses he’s checking to see if you’re still breathing, then he’s pissed off that you are so he goes back to trying to strangle you.

  35. Holy crap. I’m pretty sure that level of adorable cat is more than even the internet is capable of handling. You are going to break the internet by posting this sort of thing. Expect a cease and desist order from Al Gore at any moment now.

  36. My cat tries to attack people’s feet while they’re sleeping. At least Hunter isn’t BITING your neck, cause that shit would be disturbing!

  37. Oh wow. That kitty baby really loves his mama lol He just wishes his arms were longer to get a better snuggle-grip!

  40. So cute!! One of mine licks and bites my ear lobes. I never realized he was trying to kill/eat me until now…

  41. I love it when my cats snuggle like a baby! HST is one very special boy.

  45. Awwww!

    I’d post a longer comment, but my own kitten is asleep between me and the keyboard. He’s about the same age as your little boy, actually.

  46. I will totally take HST off your hands if and when you can no longer handle his homicidal intentions. When my cats try to kill me it’s not nearly as adorable.

  47. Oh, yes, Midianite Manna has it right: he’s trying to nurse! We had a cat that used to do that….to our male dog.

  48. And when Chuck has had enough of HST’s affectionate/murderous machinations, I will totally take him off Chuck’s hands because I don’t have a cat at all and I could use some kitty hugs – murderous or not!

  49. I have now done a horrible parent thing…I turned to my surly kitty, pointed at the video, and shouted, “Why can’t you be more like Hunter???” When he sees a therapist later in life with feelings of inadequacy, I’m pretty sure this is going to come up…

  51. Not only is he trying to choke you, he is trying to suck out your very soul! Or he’s being nice. One of those.

  53. Sent the engineering one to my ChemE little brother…

    Nearly died laughing at Hunter S. Tomcat. He’s SO snuggly! Also, he’s getting incredibly big. My kitten just turned a year and is really a kitten no more… it’s crazy how fast they grow.

  54. Little known fact: Cats express love by trying to nom on your jugular. And when they barf in your shoes, they’re just saying hello.

  55. Dude, I’ve woken up with my cat biting my throat. Like a vampire. I’d rather have an aggressive huggy cat any day.

  56. I had friends who put a screened porch door on their children’s room out of fear of a cat killing the child. Yep. So………yeah………….there is always that option.

  57. aw. mine did the same thing. she was abandoned by her mum and i got her when she was 1 month old. it was super sweet just not at 4am. that was when she liked to “love” me.

  59. Ahhhhh! Our cats are sort of twins! Separated by 7 years and size (my cat is huuuuuge), but twins. Down to and including how they cuddle and bestow kisses.

  61. My cat used to do that. He’d put his little feet around my neck, do the kneading thing, and then purr forever. It was awesome, except the kneading part (yeah, ow). I never took it as a “he’s trying to kill me,” but that might be because I was six when it started. What the hell did I know? He could have been trying to kill me for 15 years, and I just never caught on.

  63. Despite what everyone else and Victor is saying – you are right! That cat is trying to kill you. Sleep with both eyes open.

  64. Watch out for that cat! I think you’re right. He’s trying to kill you.

    I’ve noticed most cats are serial killers. George Cat likes to bring dead bunnies into the house, dismembers them and organizes their organs in artistic ways. He often leaves me the head and kidneys, and I think that’s a spleen for me in the morning.

  65. We have two male kittens, well, they just turned two a little while ago, so two toms, except for their being fixed. Okay, we have two young males, one of whom loves to lie in the crook of my arm with one foreleg dangling free; the other likes to sit on the Tiger’s neck while she sleeps. He’ll occasionally try to plant his butt on her face, just in case she’s forgotten who he is, because, you know, humans forget like that. And our eleven year old calico quean looks at us and sighs, “YOU just had to bring them home, didn’t you?”

  66. Okay, HST’s lovey show of affection totally convinces me that he is a murderous kitty out to get you. I mean, isn’t that how the murderous ones get to you? They totally blindside you with love until they catch you with your guard down and BAM! You are done for.

    Be afraid, Jenny, be very, very afraid. I am scared for you. Or maybe I am just watching “When Wild Animals Attack” too much. Either one.

  68. He is so cute! I think if he was trying to kill you, you would discover bizarre things like waking up in the morning with a black eye (me yesterday) or claw marks down your face (my husband this morning). We’re pretty sure its the cat though neither of us woke up for either attempt at our lives. We suspect he drugged us.

  69. I speak cat so I can translate that he is saying…..I love you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

    I have a cat who loves me like that only she doesn’t try to strangle me while conveying her love. Hmmmm…..maybe Hunter S. Thomcat loves you move than Mommacat loves me.

  71. I’m pretty sure he’s trying to murder you by burrowing through your neck. Except he’s trying to do with the top of his head, and everyone knows normal cats use their elbows for such work. He obviously was taken from his mother too soon.

  73. He is totally using his cuteness as a guise. Like a sneaky ninja. He also seems to know who he loves. I miss my cat being a kitten. He was much more cuddly then. He’d cry if he couldn’t see my face in bed, so if I turned over, he’d run crying to the other side of the bed and throw himself in my arms. These days he just talks. All the time. Chattiest cat I’ve ever met ever.

  74. Let me get this straight… You have a creature living in your house that gives you non-stop shiatsu massages in return for some Tender Vittles and a box of sand? My cat’s expectation levels could rival Mitt Romney’s.
    Can I have your problems? ; )

  76. That is one cuddly/murdery kitten. My cat is a lot less obvious in her murder attempts. She hides behind doors and then comes out swinging when you walk around the corner. Luckily she just hits and doesn’t pull out the claws, but sometimes, if you’re not expecting her to do it, you’ll trip and inevitably fall over the dog who is hovering in front of you. It’s dangerous in these parts.

  77. Hunter S. Thomcat is freaking adorable. He loves you so much. My kitty Rosie freaks me out sometimes because she crawls on to my pillow at night and licks my hair and bites my head. It’s odd.

  78. he’s totally kneeding you like bread and his mother. or, possibly you are right and he’s trying to kill you. i guess it’s all perspective. i look forward to your wrap ups like christmas…and chocolate…and beer.

  80. I have to wonder if it’s a male cat thing… mine does that too, except he’s a complete asshole the rest of the time. I guess that makes it more shocking/endearing when he’s actually being sweet.

    My other cat is cute 24/7 so when she rolls on the floor we’re like, “haha! awww.”

    When Milo the bastard does it we’re like, “HOLY SHIT THE CUTENESS IS ASTOUNDING AND RIPPING APART THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM o_o”

  81. This video made me smile so hard. It might seem trite, but I am certain my kitty Dash saved my life after my mom died 18 months ago. I struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts and I thought my world ended when my mom died. She was my only real support system. A friend who works at a vet’s office had a litter of kittens that needed homes and I impulsively agreed to take one, just about 2 weeks after her death. He was literally the only thing that made me smile in those dark months. Without him I wouldn’t have been able to be there for my kids or get through my days at work.

    They really save us sometimes. I’m glad you have HST.

  82. In the Middle Ages, they thought that a cat would try to steal your breath but those of us who’ve read Scott Westerfeld’s Peeps know that they’re really just checking to make sure you’re not a vampire. Also, you might enjoy this article (http://www.catswhothrowupgrass.com/kill.php) and the acompanying quiz.

  83. Hunter is like your own personal Lenny from Of Mice And Men. In cat form. He loves you so hard he might kill you. “This is my Jenny, and I will hug her and love her and call her my Jenny.”

  84. In related news. To quote you. “A hug is a strangle you just haven’t finished yet.” He’s totally trying to kill you. My cats are plotting my demise as we speak. Wait, we’re not speaking. They’re still plotting my demise.

  85. Dude…he is so seriously in LOVE with you. Victor better watch out.

    I want that kind of love in my life. Not kidding.

  89. He’s not kneading your neck in affection, he’s looking for the spots where the blood is closest to the surface. Beware the ides of Catober!

  90. He looks absolutely perfect and not evil in any way but my own kitten looks like that too, and he is of course evil. Aren’t all cats? The way he refuses to look at the camera is very suspicious – he obviously doesn’t want there to be a digital record of his behaviour that might help the detectives figure out who killed you.
    Also, thanks for giving me those two links! You were right to advise us all to look at them.

  91. HST looks like a perfect, sweet little kitten but my own kitten does too, and he’s actually evil. I think all cats are. I think the way he refuses to look at the camera is highly suspicious.
    Also, thanks for giving us those links! They’re good sites, so thanks for sharing the joy.

  94. My 7 year old kitty, Sebastian still does the same thing. He’s done it since he was a kitten. It’s not as easy to handle now that’s he’s 20 pounds though. But I wouldn’t trade our cuddle time for the world, even if he does half suffocate me most days!

  95. does time move faster on the internets? HST is growing way too fast!
    also, best boring Sunday video ever, sooo snuggly!

  97. My cats are also trying to kill me. They try to trip me in the kitchen when they want food and it is not their dinner time yet.

  98. -picks up my no-longer-kitten friendly boycat and points him at the screen-

    See?! This is what hugs are! Stop claiming you are hugging me with your teeth. And if you could ask Hunter S Thomcat for snuggling lessons (or stealth murdering lessons, because let’s face it, you’re not that subtle), it would be much appreciated.

    -puts cat down-

    -cat rolls over to show belly, waiting to hug my hand with his teeth-

  99. You might be killed by strangulation…but I wouldn’t be surprised if HST could kill by sheer force of his cuteness…

  100. Thank you so much for posting that link for Smart Girls. My 12 year old daughter and I watched Amy’s video together and it gave me a good opportunity to tell her how beautiful she is in so many different ways.

  103. Bless! If it gives you any reassurance at all, when i was googling cats suckling (my 4 year old boy had to go on a diet and out of the blue started suckling……….) there were a lot of people with stories of cats going for the neck to suckle /knead. Maybe you should start a cat and neck support group to get through these clearly murderous times 😀

  104. I WANT A CAT!!!!

    Stupid allergies.

    Keep the allergic boyfriend and his allergic kid? Or get a cat?

    Waaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

  108. I think HST is trying to snuggle you to death. Cats are shifty characters, you can’t trust ’em. No matter how cute and adorable and snuggly they are, they’re still plotting your demise.

  109. Kitty snuggles!! He’s so cute while tryin to kill you. He even gives you kisses 😉 I think HST is just madly in love with you and wants to show his affection! My cat does that too, though not as excessively… HST is just special!

  110. AWWW that video is adorable. My first thought was “are kitten shaped scarves in this year?” and my second was “cutest way to die evah!!”

  112. My orange cat Steve does that, except it’s under the covers and he sits on my abdominal aorta. I’m torn between losing consciousness and my heart bursting with adoration for the beast. I’m such a cat whore. I

  114. I had to watch the video without sound, just now. I’ll watch it late rwith sound when it won’t disturb my daughter’s Adventure Time viewing. The thing I noticed the most in the video, even above the super affectionate sweet kitty, was your smile. Just lovely. Keep smiling! I’ll try to do the same. 🙂

  118. I don’t even like cats. I know it is blasphemy but I have even uttered the words “I hate cats”. BUT I totally want a hug from Hunter!

  120. Hunter S. Thomcat reminds me so much of my orange tabby when he was a kitten. For what it’s worth, my vet’s office said that there is something genetic in male orange tabbies that makes them super affectionate. I don’t know how accurate that is, but I haven’t met a male orange tabby yet that didn’t behave just like HST. Thanks so much for sharing the adorableness! 🙂

  123. my cat Pynchon does this to me. My husband just thinks that he loves me, but he sleeps with his nose touching my nose and a paw on either side of my neck, kneading and kneading. It’s a little weird, but now it’s been years of it. When he’s not around, I wonder what he’s up to…he’s kind of an asshole, so I’d rather go cross-eyed keeping an eye on him…

  124. Put on a “I dont care what happens to it” tee shirt…
    Take Hunter, hold him against your tummy, pull bottom of tee-shirt up over him,,
    He is now in a tee shirt pouch.
    You can hold him like this, rub the tee-shirt all direction and never mess up his fur.
    My cats love this as it is warm, secure and well..they are cats that like weird places.

    Actually it is a calming technique called “pouching”.
    Used to calm and socialize feral cats! Works great with house cats too!
    Also, when it comes time to trim nails, pouch him and clip away!
    He will get all the love time he needs from you and at the same time be far away from your neck.

  125. Oh, those Gingers are stealthy like that. First they lure you into their web w/cuteness and hugs then before you know it they’re parked on your face as you sleep. I have a Ginger like that but he’s obviously behind on his agenda.

  126. I love kitties! HST is totally in love with you! But your instincts are correct…He is secretly plotting to kill you. It may take him the next 20 years or so to finish tweaking the subtleties of how he will precisely go about doing the deed, but that IS more than likely the plan today…and he will probably change his little mind in the long run because he realizes that if he actually does kill you then there won’t be the AWESOME Jenny that keeps so many floundering people amused that we forget about our own issues for just a little bit…and because he doesn’t have thumbs, he realizes he needs you alive just as much as we do so you can operate the webcam on your pc so he can continue to be an internet sensation!

    I think you’re safe for now, Jenny…. 🙂

  129. That is so fucking adorable I can’t stand it. Granted, I totally see how that sweet “I love you, Mommy” neck hug could easily turn malicious. But I just spent the last two minutes thinking, “Oh my God, that is so sweet!” and, “Dammit, why don’t MY cats cuddle with me like that?? I’m so freaking jealous.”

    I’ve always believed that kitty cuddles are at least as therapeutic as psych meds. When a cat decides to cuddle–and especially when they do the kneading (what I call “happy paws”)–I feel instantly better.

  130. My Captain Jack Stripes does the same thing! He hugs and won’t let go. He also tries to kill me in my sleep by sleeping on my head. Once he added in copious amounts of drooling, something had to be done. I now have my pillow split into two sides using my son’s stuffed animals as a barricade. Jack gets one side, I get the other. Now I’m being suffocated by a stuffed Manatee, so I’m not sure it’s better. At least it doesn’t drool. :-/

  131. That is so not Copernicus. I’ve met Copernicus and HST is nothing like that! That is such a sweet kitten who is just loving you and relying on you to protect him _from_ Copernicus.

    Or not.

  135. They always disguise their murderous ways with love, plenty of spinsters and elderly gay men in my hood have died this way. Hell, I am only alive because Chub Chub id both too lazy and too narcoleptic to kill me. I do fear she may be looking for a surrogate on craigslist.

  136. One of my cats likes to snuggle in so tightly that my husband and I joke that he is trying to climb inside us.

  137. I am an unapologetic dog person and don’t particularly like cats, but Hunter S. Tomcat is the cutest thing ever. What a lover boy! It made me smile to watch him snuggle with you. 🙂

  138. although HST is adorable and full of affection; i have no doubt that his constant nuzzling and kneading is a covert way of searching for your jugular and other points of weakness

  140. My daughter’s kitten used to knead her every night like that until her hair looked like something out of a freak show! She still does it if she can get up to her…I think she thinks my daughter, Faith, is her mom!

  141. Well at least he kisses you as he kills you. He’s an affectionate death dealer. He’s all, “Hey baby. Don’t you worry about a thing. I’m just giving you some hugs and kisses.” Won’t Victor be surprised when he finds you dead on the floor with kitten paw prints around your neck.

  145. My cat Zooey does something remarkably similar, but instead of nuzzling my ear and neck, she tries to cram her head up my nostril. I have dubbed this “snouting.” She also makes little eating noises while she does it. She’s disturbed.

    Hunter S. Thomcat is so cute.

  146. Awww, he’s makin’ some sweet biscuits, so he wuvs you. My big Jack-Jack used to do that when he was a wee kitten and still tries to on occasion now that he’s a big 12 lb. palooka.

  147. Mr. Hunter is so big and so snuggly. I keep waiting for our two kitties to snuggle like that. Maybe some day?

  148. One cold morning, my mother awoke from sleeping on her back to find one of the cats suckling on her nose while kneading the air around her ears. Think of all the variations you can anticipate with Hunter S.

  149. So cute! We had a cat (choux choux) (means cauliflower cauliflower in French) who did that as a kitten, and as a teen. When he was done with necks, as an adult, his affection turned towards wool blankets instead. He would kneed the blanket for an hour (sometimes several times a day bless his heart), and then one day we noticed that he would have an, ahem, *happy ending*. He really loved his blanket.

  152. OMG-Now I am truly convinces our kittens must marry!
    Lily Mae does a similar thing.
    It’s called “bunting” and it makes you smell like their safe place when they jam their little heads into us. It means they trust you and you feel like home to them.
    HST loves you a lot. He isn’t trying to kill you at all.

  156. That cat is TOTALLY trying to kill you! He’s looking for the perfect place to slit your throat so he can climb inside of you and wear you like a coat. He’s probably madly in love with Victor and also jealous of your awesomeness, so he’s plotting to live out the rest of his nine ginger lives out in your shoes. Literally.

  159. I don’t know what everyone else saw in that video, but you’re right to be worried. He’s clearly trying to kill you.

  163. He’s just making’ biscuits – not trying to kill you. Although – maybe he’s trying to kill you by raising your HDL cholesterol with aforementioned biscuits. Either way – that is the cutest murder attempt ever.

  164. Our cat, The Juggernaut, used to do that all the time to my husband! He’s got the same colorings as HST, too! Kitty hugs are adorable.

  166. Love your video! Perfect cat for when you get down.
    We had an orange cat (Sweetie) who got to be huge and he was a lover too. I’d be trying to read, and he wanted by my neck. Good thing I had a “shelf” for him to lay on. LOUD purrer.
    After I had spine surgery, and was in bed for pretty much 3 months in a clam shell brace; he would be attached to my right leg. At one point, while medical personnel were taking staples out of my back, he proceeded to walk across me. Interested, ya know.

  167. I looovvveee that cat, and he loves you, to death. . . He is such a sweetheart and you can tell he totally loves you to pieces. That was a wonderful video!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  168. I just added this to the list of reasons why cats creep the bejesus out of me.
    Thanks for the nightmares.

  170. OK, now you need a cat named “Seeker” so when you call for them it goes, “Hunter Seeker!” and everybody will hit the floor, thinking that horrid injection-thingy from “Dune” is about to kill them suddenly.

  173. My dog is similar except it’s more his entire body draped across my neck and in more of a body slam motion than strangling under the guise of a hug.

  174. Oh my god give me your kitten.

    I used to have a sweet, fat, deaf old cat who did that. He wasn’t declawed, but he never once used his claws when he kneaded me or my family (claws are a worry when you begin to…ahem…blossom, and you have a cat kneading your chest to make it soft so he can snuggle you). He died a few years back and thanks, now I’m sad and nostalgic because my sweet kitty girl is at home and I am at college and my dear old cat died and I really, really need a kitten snuggle right now. Stupid no-pets dorm. I need a kitten.

  175. I wouldn’t worry so much that he’s trying to suffocate you; however, if I were you, I’d be thoroughly offended that he thinks your neck is a cat-boob. There is no compliment to be derived from that. I vote he sleeps on the couch for a week! That should teach him.

  176. My little Mister Twister used to sleep on my neck when he was a kitten. It’s adorable until you have nightmares about not being about to breathe…….

  177. I thought high blood pressure was the silent killer. Maybe that’s what Hunter is trying to cause by squeezing your jugular and carotid. He’s really doing the feline equivalent of the Vulcan neck pinch!

    My kittens just trample me… especially when my boobs are sore. Little sadists!

  178. I may come steal Hunter S. Thomcat!! He is THE MOST ADORABLE CAT I’VE EVER SEEN!! And i want him to give me his cat snuggles! Every cat I’ve ever had has been moody…i want a lovey cat so keep him locked up! 🙂 I’m, of course, just kidding. I’m not a crazy cat stalker/stealer! But i AM jealous! 🙂

  179. I student-taught in Wall, Tx in the Spring of 1989.
    Jenny was indeed the only girl dressed in black, but I told students that in larger schools this was more normal. (I graduated from Permian)

    I really loved your book. It brought back a lot of memories that I hadn’t thought about in years.

    The semester that I student taught, they were building the new High School, there was a measles outbreak, so everyone had to get vaccinated, then walked around the halls hitting each other in the arms. That winter we had extraordinary cold, but we still had to go to school because Wall had Propane. (Everyone in San Angelo got out of school). This was a joke because the school was built during the depression and it was FREEZING anyway. My favorite memory is the popcorn. The microwave in the teacher’s lounge was like 200 watts, and I was sent 10 minutes early to “prime” the microwave which consisted of putting a cup of water in it and running it for 4 minutes before the bell rang. It took 7 minutes to pop the popcorn, then the students would walk by and wish they could have some (there was no door on the teachers lounge–who were these people?_

    When I was growing up I rode motorcycles, shot rifles, and could field-dress a deer at age 8.
    Now, I am a college professor living in the suburbs of Houston. My husband is a city-boy that had never fired a gun until my father made him about 5 years ago. My kids grew up with the suburban, over-scheduled soccer-mom thing……and today, my daughter is in her 3rd year of Ag classes in High school (they inseminated cows last year), and my son joined the Army…go figure.

  180. I believe he was trying to kill you. 2 weeks ago a stray cat I was trying to feed bit me. 5 days of intensive antibiotics, fever, severe diarrhea, all because I wanted to be nice & feed a stray cat…. Cats are EVIL!!! A dog would NEVER bite the hand that tries to feed it.

  181. Ha! my cats totally do the same thing. I’m quite relieved actually, I was starting to think I was some how subconsciously training them into that bizarre behavior – treating them too much like actual children or something. Ya know, it’s a whole lot cuter from the outside perspective………

  182. My 3-year-old Benny gets huggy every day at 5 am (oh yay). He’s not a kneader, he just walks up from the foot of the bed, stomping on all the sensitive bits of my torso along the way, snuggles up and throws one arm around my neck in a vaguely possessive manner. He’s a tuxedo cat, so the effect is a LOT like Don Draper in the opening credits of Mad Men (you know, the couch). Yes, he Drapes.

  184. HOLY SHITBALLS THAT IS THE CUTEST FUCKING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN AND I DON’T EVEN LIKE CATS! STOP TRYING TO CONVERT ME!!!

    Sorry for the caps. I’m just that serious.

  185. I once picked a kitten out because when I opened the cage door at the Vet clinic, she leaped out and threw her little 7 week old kitty arms around my neck, hung there looking at my face, and purred away. She’s now 15 yrs old. 🙂

    He’s adorable and incredibly affectionate!

  187. That is so stinking cute! I used to wake up in the morning with my kitten’s jaws around my neck – no kidding.

  189. OMG, that kitty is IN LOVE WITH YOU!!! Although I do see one tiny moment when it looks like maybe he’s trying to strangle you. But still, super cute. And I’m a dog person, not one shred a cat person, but the adorableness if this cannot be denied.

  191. I don’t think Hunter is trying to kill you. He is giving you love, and happiness, and cute kitten chi (all cats are part ninja you know) to kill bad days and sadness and rainy days and Mondays. His kitten ninja hugs are saying,”I love Jenny! Don’t rain on her Mondays unless you rain unicorns!” The more often he hugs you the more likely it will rain unicorns. Unicorn rain would be awesome.

  193. We had a kitten named Dibbs and he would attack my husband, dog, or the other cat if they did not play with him.

    He loved me but of course everyone is so selfish so …

    He now lives with my friend, Nancy. They are very happy.

    We adopted an older cat, BooBoo. She pukes and poops outside of the box. This is SO MUCH better (said no one).

    I love your cat. You can have BooBoo and I will let Hunter “strangle” me in my sleep.

    By the way, I FUCKING love you and your fucking book. All my friends are getting copies now.

    YOUR WELCOME! 🙂

  194. My late cat, Niblick, would hump my feet but only when when there were flannel sheets on the bed. It got so bad, I actually talked to the vet because, even though he was fixed, he would get a kitty hard-on and once he was “done”, would lie on his back panting in a very sleazy fashion. It was very disturbing! I had to pack away the flannel sheets until he died and we tried not to speak of it…

  195. Just be careful, my older male cat was like that when he was a kitten. Now, he’s just creepy and obsessive and won’t let me go to the bathroom by myself…

  196. My toddler got very excited when she saw your little video. She pointed at the screen and yelled, “Mama! Mama!” I don’t know if she thought you were mothering your cat, or if she thought you look like me because we both have glasses and dark hair.

  197. While everyone else here is talking about Hunter, and I admit, he’s adorable, I was way more excited to see you link to Ask Amy! Amy Poehler is an inspiration and Smart Girls at the Party is seriously awesome. Anyways, thanks for helping spread it, and good luck with HST. 🙂

  198. I think Hunter S. Cat may be trying to make out with you.. I think Victor should beware.

  203. Of course he’s doing that on purpose to make him look completely adorable and you look crazy. That’s a very cat thing to do.

  206. That cat loves you so much, it’s adorable. Also: he’s gotten enormous!

    All of our cats are kneaders, but none of them hug, I have hugging kitten envy.

  208. Wow! He’s gotten so big! And yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s trying to kill you. WITH LOVE!!! Not a bad way to go, I guess.

  210. I love your cat. I wish mine tried to kill me with hugs. Yzma just molests my boobs and motor boats me all the time. I’d much rather she be obsessed with my neck than my boobs…

  212. Awwwww, that’s LOVE! He’s just a big sweet orange boy AND I WANT TO STEAL HIM. But I won’t.

  214. Man, what is with orange tabbies. Mine tries to smother me at night by laying directly over my face and neck all while licking my hair. Why are their cuddles so adorably sinister?

  215. Cats DO try and kill you in your sleep! I had one that used to drool in my mouth as I snored… she was trying to drown me….

  216. It’s not just HST… the dogs regularly try to knock me down the stairs.

    Last night they laid a trap for me on the landing: somehow they got an almost-empty shampoo bottle from the bathroom garbage and squeezed it out on the carpet. Bastards. Now my carpet smells like Moroccan Almond Oil and there’s yet another weird wet spot on the floor. Sigh.

  218. At least your cat’s form of homicdal attack is cute. Mine just farts until there’s no oxygen left in the room.

  220. Just read your book ( I think your only one so far) it was one of the high points of the week.

  222. Well, with the head tuck and the toe curl I’d have to say he is hugging you. But that doesn’t mean that he won’t decide he loves you SO much that Victor has to go. Watch out Victor.

  226. Thank you sooo much for helping to be completely unproductive and waste like 12 plus hours. Ever since I found your blog (damn you @janeDavenport for requesting funny blogs suggestions on FB!) I have done nothing -including sleep- but surf your associated links!

  227. He’s definitely already made plans for how he’s going to “re-decorate” the place once he knocks you off. Most cat-lovers know deep down that their feline is simply waiting for the right chance to strike them dead and make a run at the tuna.

  228. I hate cats. A lot. But that seriously warmed my cold dead heart. Really stupidly cute.

  229. In 225 comments, the one I’m about to make has to have already been made a few times because that is how probability works even if I did fail math, but since it wasn’t in the first five, I’m going to state it again:
    I am SO SAD you did not take the opportunity to sing “Soft kitty, warm kitty” during that video. It was like the golden moment and you completely passed it up. I’m sure copyright wouldn’t have been a factor in this particular case because the song was obviously written for HST.
    And here is a serious question: When we write your name on our voting ballots, do we write “The Bloggess” or “Jenny Lawson” because if we don’t all vote for the same one, some of your votes won’t get counted and you might not win. You remember that crazy Chad situation and who knows what other names he was using at the time!

  232. OMG, I’m more in love with that cat with every post, he’s just so friggin cute! I’ve noticed that orange cats seem to have the more personality than other color cats. Wait… is that like, cat racism, if I talk about their color?

  234. While I’m sure that’s terrifying when it wakes you up in the dark… OMFG that is so freaking adorable I can’t even stand it. Look at how he tucks his head and nuzzles all baby-like and fluffy! AH! I think I just died a little, of cute. Our monster-beast cat does that, too. He’ll take down a leaping squirrel in mid air, and god help the person with a stray string on his sweater, but come bed-time, he curls up in between us, puts the blanket in his mouth and kneads our sides til he falls asleep. Kitty love is the best love.

  235. I’m pretty sure I could watch that video on repeat for at least half an hour. An hour and a half. I’m not sure anymore, maybe forever.

  236. I think I’d rather be killed by that choking hug than smacked in the face in the middle of the night, which is what Yoshi does to me.

  238. I sat down to read today’s entry and my orange kitten (named Sendak) immediately climbed in my lap, grabbed my neck with both paws and did the exact same thing! He does this all the time, maybe it is an orange cat thing.

  240. Oh My Cat! That is a “super scary” kitty of love! So cute! And yes, we just happen to be giving away some Halloween kitty toys on our blog. Perhaps you will get additional “super scary” kitty hugs if the kitties are drugged with catnip filled toys.

  241. Wait…we didn’t mean to imply that drugged cats would kill you in your sleep. Oh great…I can hear the police knocking at the door and I can just imagine trying to explain this one.

  245. Completely cuddly and adorable but I can see your point about how it is different at night. I wouldn’t like it either.

  248. Okay, so I watched the video, and it’s apparent that Hunter is trying to lull you into a state of ease so that you let your guard down, and THEN he will kill you. Cats are sneaky like that. Also, Victor is either a willing husband/accomplice (a la Rosemary’s Baby) or he’s just too blind to see what is happening in front of his VERY EYES, and by the time he realizes what has happened, it will be too late. And then he’ll be next.

  249. My little dachshund is hell bent on suffocating us! She climbs us and lays her muzzle over our mouths/noses. She also, inexplicably, cannot stop herself from then nibbling the end of our noses. My dog is a freak.

  252. I’m not buying that whole silent killer thing….but maybe, cause if you could actually die from cuteness, that’s what would happen while watching that video.

  254. Haha, my younger cat does that! She was orphaned almost immediately after birth and has never gotten over the idea that I’m her “mommy”.

  256. You are both so sweet. This video of you and HST is the highlight of my week. 🙂 Thank you for sharing this lovely and personal starshine!

  257. Awwwww! Maybe his name should be Hugger instead of Hunter. He reminds me of a teenage boy with his first girlfriend.

  259. So you should check out a site called the oatmeal. Look up how much do cats actually kill…. its astonishing, and right up your alley!

  260. My 15 lb orange tabby does this too! When I met him at the shelter he tried to strangle me and I fell in love with him. He constantly astounds people who come over to my house because as soon as I sit down, he’s up on me with his arms around my neck and his head tucked under my chin. Of course, being the size of Garfield, he’s even more of a handful than HST. Kitty love knows no boundaries!

  262. Jenny,
    My kitty literally sleeps on my head every night and some nights I wake up from my airways being blocked by her fury chest. She’s just loving me to death, slowly. HST just loves his mommy.

  263. Awww HST loves his mama! That’s so sweet. One of my cats sucks on my t-shirts when she is amorous and kneads me. Not a bad thing when her claws are trimmed but YEOWCH when her claws are long, it’s another story!

  264. OK.. So we had a cat that did this to my husbands head while he slept and we asked the vet why she did that… His answer….. She’s trying to nurse from you. That’s why he nuzzels and kneads. He’s looking for the nipple.
    Which was great for me becuase I got to walk around telling everyone how my husbands head looked like a cat nipple! For some reason he did not find this amusing (I think he and Victor have a lot in common)

  265. Oh wow, what an adorable kitten. My cats were like that when they were little. They were shelter kitties (siblings) and their litter lost their mama before they were weaned, so I assumed they acted that way because they had mother issues and I was their replacement. They’re mellowed out some now (2 years old), but still very affectionate, and good company.

  266. I was going to tell you about The Oatmeal, but I see a bunch of people already did… still, check this one out: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/cat_kill
    I am convinced that my boyfriend’s cat is trying to kill me. I keep this information top of mind at all times. You should probably keep it in the back of your mind also 😉

    It’s pretty hilarious too.

  269. I showed the video to my husband. He’s convinced that the kitten is trying to nurse off the side of your face. I guess he’s some sort of expert. His mom once had six cats. At the same time.
    I personally believe you. Cats are killers. That’s why I refuse to let any cats in the bedroom when I stay over at my in-laws’.

  271. ok, so thats the most adorable b[c]at-shit love-you-so-much-i-must-kill-you expression ive ever seen…my biggole luvcat simply uses his massive mass (if you met him, that would not strike you as redundant) to immobilise me…nothing like a 23lb purr-ball shmoo across your ribcage to let you know youre both loved and in imminent danger…damn! how i love my sweet fuzzy ‘felinifications’ of all that is evil.

  272. With all due respect tothe person who said he’s kneading you – no, he’s not. He’s trying to trick you into THINKING that’s what he’s doing, but he’s totally not, really. My husband is convinced the our cats are trying to eat his eyes when he’s sleeping. And they so are – one day, when I fall asleep on the couch, I’ll go up to bed, and they’ll have eaten his eyes. And “then I’ll be sorry”, as husband says.
    And I think that’s what HST is working up to. Really.

  273. The book “How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You” is #1 on Amazon…coincidence? I think not!

  277. My orange tabby dude does the EXACT SAME THING. He also likes to snuggle up to my head while I’m asleep and wake me up by patting me on the cheek. I hope this is him petting me and not something weird.

  278. My orange kitty does the same thing! Lil Peter Fishbits is just over a year old now and the cuddles are less frequent, but when he does he has to get right under my chin and around my throat.

  281. I used to live next door to a cat who would do this, his name was Kevin.
    But Kevin wouldn’t do it hard, he would do it in a gentle manner just like,
    “Hey buddy, it’s been a while since I saw you. How’s your mom doing? Is your sister over her mono yet?”
    We thought that the asshole family (I really think they partook in dog fighting, they kept a pit bull in the backyard with three shock collars on him) who lived there was going to abandon him so I could just keep him forever
    But they didn’t 🙁

  282. Ummmm….hard sell on the murderous cat profile when he is so completely adorably hugging you. Maybe he is mugging it up for the cameras so it can’t be used against him in court? That’s awesome though.

  284. My sisters cat does this all the time. If your standing near him and not paying him any mind he will actually “beg” to be picked up so he can give hugs. 🙂

  285. That is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Definitely don’t believe he was trying to kill you, I will be on his side if it ever goes to court.

  286. He’s either trying to kill you with kindness, or has decided the best method of MURDER is to actually bore a hole right into your neck with his face.

  287. He’s clearly setting up his alibi with this video. What we all see as cute and snuggly, is actually his diabolical plan to make himself look innocent.

    That way, when he actually does throttle you in your sleep, no one will believe it was the cat and they’ll all blame Victor *nod*

    Criminal genius, HST is. Genius!

  288. He’s all “NO! I don’t want to see the people! I just want to hug!” He’s gorgeous. 🙂

  289. You have no idea how much I needed that video right now. So cute. My cat is sitting on the opposite couch staring jealously at me for squeeing over Hunter S. I think she’ll get over it, Luna hasn’t tried to kill me in years.

  290. I have an orange tabby that does the exact same thing (by the way he’s like 8). It’s like getting a furry, purry, ever so slightly painful hug.

  294. Tonight my three month old kitten kept clawing at my hair that I was starting to get concerned that it might fall out in chunks. I imagine she is part Copernicus in her love of me. I also imagine that one day she will actually love me the way that Hunter loves you…or I will be dead from her claws of death.

  295. Having owned cats for what seems like hundreds of years, I have NEVER, in my WHOLE LIFE, seen such an affectionate cat. Can we clone him? I would love a good strangle from a HST clone…

  297. Dear Bloggess,

    I totally thought of you the other day as I was watching Storage Wars Texas. They were in Austin, and one of the bidders bought a locker that had a two headed chicken in it. They took it to the Museum of Empherata, and I thought to myself, “I bet The Bloggess has been there.” Please tell me you have!

  298. HST seems to be an exceptional judge of character.
    P.S. I truly enjoy your blog and your book…
    P.P.S. Thank you for writing what I so strongly can identify with.

    All My Best,
    Elizabeth F
    Saint Marys, PA

  299. you 150% deserve such a loving kitty. it’s like the kitty gods know who needs and will most appreciate this kind of love 🙂

  300. Thank you for posting that HST video and for possibly saving my life. I had to check myself into treatment for an eating disorder but mainly for major depression and anxiety and a heart breaking end to a three year relationship. All in the same day. But depression lies. I have my own apartment now and I’m going to pick up my cat Bobo from my brothers tomorrow. My therapy kitty. He tends to just sleep on me. But I’ll keep one eye open for awhile.

    Thank you times a million for your blog. Some days you get my through “that moment” when I can either lose it or keep going.

  302. Your video makes me miss my cats so much less. I had to leave them with my parents when I moved. Thank you!

  303. Oh he totally nubs you. My kitty girl kneads me while she sucks on my lip, ear, neck, any part I can’t keep her off of. Was Hunter by any chance abandoned by his mommy too early?

  304. I LOVED that last video with your cat. You know why? Cause you look really soft and well… (don’t take this as an insult) sweet 🙂

    …Not that I thought you were un-sweet up until now… I’d just only read your work and not seen you on video. Love, love, love your blog 🙂

  307. I found out today that I have cancer. Sure, it’s the skin kind, so it’s less scary than the other kinds of the cancer. So I have a cancer. And it may have spread to my lymph nodes. But I’m going to say that it hasn’t because I am not yet ready for this. And I’m listening to “In My Mind” over and over again. Because I’m exactly the person that I want to be.

    Minus the cancer.

  309. I have had more than one of my cats plot my death as I sleep. I completely understand 🙂 Thank god for their lack of opposable thumbs…

  312. I think it’s a ginger kitty thing. My ginger kitty is 6 yrs old and still at his happiest when he’s hanging around my neck!

  313. I thought my kitty was the sweetest most affectionate kitty ever. Looks like it’s a tie. And how did you keep a straight face during this video? I would have been snorting from laughing so hard.

  315. It is funny that after watching your clip with HST, one of the suggested videos is “Teenager 14 strangles her newborn son”. P.S. He probably IS trying to kill you. It’s a cat thing.

    Also, I LOVE Amy Poehler, and she is amazing, so thank you for sharing her inspiration and positivity. 🙂

  316. Sorry to come into this so late! My cat Travis (named after William B. Travis-14 years ago, to get my husband to think he was really a furry version of a Texas civil war hero—seriously! He was going to deny this cat a home!) ….anyway, that was a really long aside….he is now 14, but has always when held in our arms done the same thing! Even suckles our ears, like we are his mamas! My husband thinks its the cutest thing ever! So far, no murderous kitty, just needy!! Love the Hunter s. Tomcat posts!!

  318. My cat, Hemi, does this as well. He prefers to stand on my jugular/wind pipe while I’m trying to sleep though. He gets in some sort of odd drooly trance as he does this & is in “do-not-disturb” mode. He kills me on a daily basis, so I’m certain that I’m somewhat oxygen deprived. Which would explain a lot.

  319. I think Hunter is my long lost twin and we were separated at birth. He was stolen by a mad scientist who transmogrified him into a cat. This is clearly the case because when I was a baby/toddler, I wouldn’t leave that spot on my mom’s neck. It’s the safest, best place in the world and Hunter and I know it!

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading