Elves are assholes.

in Random Crap

The other day Victor brought home one of those Elf-on-the-Shelf things and now I’m inundated with pictures on pintrest of elves doing “adorably naughty” things.  Like, moms (who are far less lazy than me) will throw flour  and applesauce all over the house and then pretend that the naughty elf did it.  Except I would never do that BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS TO CLEAN THAT SHIT UP.  Personally, I’d rather come back home from shopping and find that the elf has ransacked the house looking for hidden drugs.  That way it’s a learning lesson for the kids.  A lesson about not turning your back on addictions.  And about why I shouldn’t be allowed to have a scapegoat elf in the house.

Our elf right now:

Over the line, asshole.

PS.  Victor just yelled at me for sticking a knife in the couch and I was like “Dude. That hole has been there for two years” and then he yelled at me for not telling him that there’s been a hole in the couch for two years.  So basically I’m getting yelled at by Victor for Victor not being observant enough.  

I blame the elf.

 

263 thoughts on “Elves are assholes.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. If you were sick of blogging and wanted to stop, an amazing way to go out would be to stage a Blair Witch style blog-u-mentary in which the shelf elf, Copernicus, and the haunted doll house all turned on you and your family. IT WOULD BE AMAZING.

  5. I live in England, so I have no idea what this ‘elf on shelf’ nonsense is all about. I see it all over pinterest, and seriously, who has time to clean up that mess?

    Glad to see elves exposed for what they really are: little assholes desperate for attention.

  6. Stupid elves! But now I must have one so I have a scapegoat. And my husband will yell “Jenny!!” in frustration because he knows where I get my crazy ideas now.

  7. That elf has a disturbing look on his face. A look of content as he slices through the couch. Sleep with one eye open…I wouldn’t trust this elf.

  8. So funny. I have an elf post tomorrow. Needless to say, it will be The Lazy Mom’s Guide to Elf on the Shelf.
    P.S. Elves who put holes in couches probably need to take a few days off! 😉

  9. I AM WITH YOU. Elves are dicks, and no elf in my house is going to make a mess.

    Actually, if an elf did show up in my house, my ill-mannered canines would probably play with it to death, then the cat would drag the carcass around.

    We are proudly elf-free.

  12. I work at a bookstore, and we CANNOT keep those things in. Kids are crazy for them, for whatever reason. I thought it would be a funny thing to buy one for a newborn, and make sure that elf is in every Christmas picture from birth (just kind of hidden in the background, but obviously there), and then when the kid is old enough, be like “Santa knows everything you’ve done since you were born, because this motherfucker is always right over your shoulder.” It may scar them, but chances are they’d behave.

  13. This is the first “elf on the shelf” pic I’ve seen that was the least bit entertaining. Elves must be funnier when they’re being assholes.

  14. I hadn’t heard about these things until a few days ago, when a friend asked if I had one. She explained, “You move him around the house every night and tell the kids that he’s watching them and reporting back to Santa.” I was like, “That… is the creepiest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

  15. I think I speak for everyone when I inquire as to whether or not the hamster has recovered yet. Did you get it any therapy? Books? ANYTHING?

    Look, if you’re going to have an elf on the shelf (or, like, on the couch, which I think is against the rules because it’s supposed to be ON THE SHELF – or the whole thing is poorly marketed and full of false advertising, but anyway) then you have a certain responsibility to the other, quite possibly traumatized items in your house, Jenny. Just sayin’.

  17. I want to wake up every morning to find the elf has “mischievously” cleaned the bathroom or cooked breakfast. I’d use reverse psychology the night before – “I’d better not find the rugs vacuumed or the laundry folded or I’m really gonna be mad!” And then I would laugh in the morning and say the jokes on you, elf! And then my meds would start to wear off and the nice nurse at the asylum would bring me some more.

  19. Knife fight between Elf and Copernicus, with Juanita screaming at them to stop. Victor shoulda known better.

  23. I hated the Elf, and sometime over the summer, my five year old turned Tony Soprano and killed that rat of an Elf. I can’t say I was sorry to see him go, and I knew I didn’t want another one, but I also needed something to keep an Elf-killing Kindergartner in check. I made my own poem and story and found a doll that keeps tabs and reports to Santa. He’s the Troll in the Hole who does stuff like “Grumpy Trolls like to tie up all your shoe laces,
    and I’ve even heard they’ll fart in sleeping kid’s faces.” So far, so good…we’ll see if it lasts though…

    And if you need your asshole Elf “taken care of,” I know a (little) guy…

  24. Our Elf is not allowed to do anything that takes me more than two minutes to clean up. He mostly plays games with the other stuffed creatures in the house, watches movies and things that take almost no time to do. Anything labor intensive my wife is on her own. My idea was to have the elf sit on a shelf and not do anything.

  27. I hate those things. I don’t have a doll phobia, but I think I could develop one. I mean, how easily is it to screw up a kid’s psyche by telling them that this doll comes to life when they sleep, spies on them and rats them out to Santa? *shudder* I just keep seeing Chucky.

  28. I’m Jewish, our elf’s not naughty, it’s a guilt inducing marionette that looks like my mother in law. Though thankfully, when that The “Melf” does things around my house it’s more like making the beds that weren’t neat enough or re-dusting the TV. It also sits on a shelf saying, “why don’t you visit more?” and “Really, you’re gonna let your kids watch another episode of Shake it Up???”

  31. In the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, the Elf-on-the-Shelf balloon pretty much just looked like it was about to take a shit on all of NYC. Seriously, elf, not cool.

  33. I killed an elf once. Sucked it right into my industrial Dyson while maniacally laughing. Elf-ocide.

    I ‘m also in love with these comments

  34. Elves…the incarnation of the “Napoleon Syndrome”…TO.THE.MAX. Sneaky little, pompous tykes!

  36. apparently my elf is slacking. he is a lazy bastard that just hangs around. and since i wasn’t observant enough to get a BOY elf, i took off the skirt so my elf is a shemale. way to go me for getting a tomboy elf. fuck. no wonder my kid doesn’t give two shits about that damn elf. the elf itself is confuzzled!

  37. I’m kind of pissed that this whole naughty elf thing was off my radar when my kids were young enough to fall for it. I’ve always wanted to pull off tricky leprechaun hijinx like turning the toilet water green and drawing fancy mustaches on my kids with permanent marker, but it’s hard to commit on St. Patrick’s Day when I’m drunk.

  38. I have mixed feelings about the whole EOTS thing. My one and only child turns 24 in a month. We never knew the EOTS existed. I feel like I’ve missed out on something both fun and disturbingly annoying at the same time. Moms who read this blog are lucky to have you as crazee inspiration, Jenny!

  40. But just to clear, your elf with the knife, in way, way, way better than the D*ck in the Box elves. How many people can say that? Nobody! You are better than everything Jenny, including a D*ck in the Box. Yay!

  45. For a minute I saw the picture and was like..WHOA She straight up cut a whole in her leather couch to make a picture! No flower and apple sauce for the bloggess, hell no.

    And then I got a little concerned because one really shouldn’t be cutting holes into their couches for the sake of an excellent picture/meme.

    But now that I know it was there beforehand I’m feeling a lot better.

  46. lol. I figured an elf in your house would have excellent shenanigans to share. I think those things are creepy as hell. It’s like having the KGB of the North Pole living in your house!

  47. Our housemate forgot to do the elf thing this morning so he’s rope the nanny into doing it. She made an excellent point. Shouldn’t that elf be setting a good example for the kids? How come he’s never seen “surprise vacuuming”?

  48. I NEVER would have thought to do that. I mean, we’re lucky when we remember to MOVE my brother’s elf, much less actually do something creative with it! You. Are. Amazing.

  50. Glad to know I’m not the only one that thinks this Elf on the Shelf stuff is nonsense. And Bloggess you’re right if they are going to do something naughty then it should be realistic. I’m super lazy so I wouldn’t be one to have it make a mess for me to clean up. Although it would be good for the kids to clean up. Hmmm

  51. These elves are growing their population by leaps and bounds, from what I can see. I suspect yours is trying to make a nest in which to lay its sinister eggs.

  52. My husband and I don’t do the elf. That’s Rob’s thing. Usually he just moves it around when he gets home from the bar at 2 a.m.

  53. I think an elf pooped on my kitchen floor this morning, but I wasn’t able to find the little bugger. The dog couldn’t sniff him out, either, which is why he must look so ashamed.

  55. The person who invented elf on a shelf should be shot..then stuffed into that hole in your couch. You see that way your elf stabbing the couch would make more sense. See? You’re welcome.

  56. We don’t have the elf on the shelf here in New Zealand, so I turned a Ken doll into a cross-dressing elf so I could join in the fun on elfshaming.com. Then I thought I’d turn Barbie into Barbarelfa and do the elf on the shelf thing with her, but the puppy got hold of her after I’d spent hours (ok 10 minutes) making her look all Christmassy and amputated her leg. So now I’m just telling the kids that the smoke detectors are Santa’s cameras and he’s watching their every move.

  59. That elf has A LOT of competition in your house. There is Copernicus, Juanita and a host of other characters. That doesn’t even factor in Hunter S Tomcat. The options are endless. You could take over pinterest with PROPER elf antics with a well known cast of characters. Lemme know if you need me to come out to TX to make this happen. Florida has been too windy lately.

  60. Love it…I totally don’t understand people who make their elves naughty. My son asked for one this year (lots of his friends have them) and all ours does is move–he’s a bit like a sloth elf. He stays content in one rooms and slowly makes the rounds. Kids are just as excited about the minor movements–that I don’t need to do anything fancy. Which works well with my lazy parenting strategy.

  61. Just promise me that you’ll never, ever put the elf and Copernicus in a room alone. I really like you and your family.

  62. If elves are assholes, what does that make the people who creatively pose them every night??? My kids are elfless and I am not one bit sorry!

  63. The eleves kindof freak me out. I’m hoping that craze has passed by the time I have children old enough to care. 😉

    Victor really shouldn’t yell at you for himself not being observant enough. Not fair. 😉

  69. My dog once chewed a hole in my couch around Christmas. I wish I have thought to do something like that. Instead, my sisters and I were blamed for not keeping a “close enough eye” on her.

    And, elves are assholes!

  70. I think my kids (and my cats) must all be part Elf, because they do this “mischievous” shit all. the. damn. time. Like I’m gonna go spend $30 on yet another person to come live here and constantly jack my shit up. Pffftttt. Nice try, Elfie, but I don’t think so. You shoulda moved in 14-1/2 years ago before the first kid arrived. You might have had a chance back then. But now? Not so much.

  72. please post more rotten awful photos of the elf doing terrible things. i bet he hangs our with krampus.

  73. Personally, I thing the elf is creepy and I would probably have to sleep with a knife if there were one in my house…I hope there isn’t one in my house, I have never seen one, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. We had mice, and I never say those either. Unless it was elf shit instead of mouse shit that was behind the washer. Oh God, now I will have to start sleeping with a knife under my pillow just in case I am attacked by an elf. Thank you for bringing this elf problem to my attention. I will be more vigilant from now on.

  74. I didn’t even know these things existed until like a week ago, and now I find out there’s this whole shelf-elf culture with naughty photo ops and knives? And you’re not going to think it’s so funny if the elf takes the knife and disappears.

  75. And apparently I have spelling issues and/or fat fingers. Great, more things to worry about, that I can’t do anything about. This should keep me awake for a few more years.

  78. Bwahaha. I have refused to take on an elf because they make my life harder. And the rhetorical question I ask my twins the most is, “Are you making my life harder or easier?”

    Maybe you should leave the Elf on Victor’s side of the bed…

  79. I wish I’d been the one to dream up on the E on the S but yeah, I hate em too. Never got one, and the Diva quit Believing a couple years ago. Now she likes to make jokes about Santa being a stalker, and I don’t have the heart to tell her she’s not the first one to come up with that observation b/c she was so tickled with herself.

    I take the Terry Pratchett view of elves: nail an iron horseshoe over your door and keep an eye on your kids b/c those bastards are evil.

  80. Just look at the shit eating grin on it’s face! You know why don’t you? It’s because it stabbed a hole in your couch and got away with it!

    There MUST be consequences! If it were me, I’d turn that little bastard into a chew toy for a ravenous pet that’s looking to destroy something. (in my case, a parrot that chews on anything NOT designed as a parrot chew toy)

    Once the other elves see it, they’d be like, “Holy CHRIST! Did you see what happened to Murray? We’d better watch our asses ” … Problem solved!

  83. I was just explaining to a friend about how mischievous these elves can be. You’ve given me the perfect example!

  85. Seriously, those Shelf Elf thingies are scary-creepy. I question Victor’s motives for getting it in the first place.

  86. Yeah, the whole creepy elf on the shelf thing makes me want to scream. But hey, it’ll help the kids get used to the new world of constant surveillance! Seriously. So. CREEPY.

  87. Our elf is the laziest motherfucker I know… it does nothing and goes nowhere! I mean, if you are going to be part of this household, cook, clean, do something!

    Oh, fuck, we don’t have an elf. That was just a large dust bunny that formed into an elf-like shape. Oh well, it’s a lazy fucker too.

  88. Well how would you like it if you spent your days working for a tyrannical fat man, his hag wife and their crazy, smelly pets for free? For life?
    You’d be an asshole, too…

  89. In the spirit of the holidays, wouldn’t it make more sense for the sneaky elves to CLEAN the house while we sleep? I’m on board for that. And I’m Jewish.

  91. How can an elf be even creepier than a monkey who strangles?

    Plus, when I think “elf” I think Legolas and the other Lord of the Rings types: you know, pretty and stealthy and overly proper. Legolas would never leave a hole in your couch.

  92. Those elves creep me right out. I refuse to get one because a. I would forget about the damned thing and be rushing around trying to find it at midnight every.single.night. and b. my cats would decapitate it, necessitating even MORE therapy than I’ve already ensured for my kids.

  93. I was trying to come up with an idea for a similar product for religous folks – a plush Jesus that watches everything you do. But what to call it?

    Messiah over the fire? Only works for people with fireplaces.

    I’m open to suggestions.

  94. Those elves totally creep me out! I totally expect them to go all Chucky on us and kill us while we’re sleeping, so I refuse to get one.

  95. Hilarious…pinterest is totally intimidating. My kids are asking about the elf on the shelf. I think I am going to have to cave to this new tradition, but I agree. Why stage tiny marshmallow roasts when you could make your elf look like a crazed serial killer??

  96. So this elf guy is basically a stalker that parents willingly bring into the house.
    People are weird

  97. I threw my old elf out a couple years ago no idea they’d come back, almost like being in a scary doll movie now when I walk into Hallmark, I picture them being naughty just like this.

  98. My son lost his squash when I brought one of those home! He cried and wailed until it was in the box and out of our house, in my car trunk, in the garage. I don’t know what I was thinking bringing it home… To have one in the house, moving around freely, reporting back to Santa? Clowns and elves have always scared the sh*t out of me.

  99. My mother got me good. I boycotted the elf for years until she finally teamed up with my last kid and conned me into getting a “helpful elf.” That elf helped prepare for Christmas every night. So I’d be up til midnight addressing Christmas cards or wrapping gifts.

    I wanted to be pissed but I’ll admit I was totally ready for Christmas that year.

  100. I refuse to pay £30 for one of these, so my cats have got a one armed grubby faced baby doll, you know the ones where the eyes open and close? except one of her eyes is stuck closed and the other is kind of all off centre as though she is having some kind of seizure. Also she is wearing a red dress made out of a carrier bag with white toilet roll trim…I tell you what though, fuck is she scary! Even I behave now……..

  101. My sister has an Elf of the Shelf and her girls bought the whole shebang hook, line, and sinker. When we arrived at my sister’s house for Christmas last year and my niece explained about the elf to my son, he immediately said, “It’s just a stuffed elf and your mom and dad move it around while you sleep!”

    Incredibly, he DOES believe in Santa Claus. =)

    And BTW I agree that those things are creepy as hell.

  103. I’m not a parent, but my husband and I adopted an EOTS and named him Butt-Tits McGee. He’s kind of a big deal, but in an elfish way.

  104. I’m guessing you’ve been letting the Elf associate with Copernicus. That was probably a really bad idea.

  106. I’m with you, I don’t need more shit to clean. We have an elf but he doesn’t do bad things. My kids manage to come up with plenty of bad ideas on their own without my, er, the elf’s help.

  107. I think you should put him on a large pile of liquor bottles, a lesson in alcoholism and how they ruin the lives of every day elves.

  109. Holy smokes! I just laughed for 2 minutes reading this post! LOVE it! You have THE BEST ELF EVER!!!

  110. I would take advantage of that sucker. Burn the table, get a new one. Rip the tile our of our bathroom, get new tile. Cut a hole in the couch, get a new one!

  111. I distinctly remember having an Elf in the box of Christmas decorations when I was a kid more than 4 decades ago. I was always sad to have to put him back in the decorations box when the tree came down after the holidays. It was the EXACT SAME ELF! Now having one is a “THING”? I would have totally been into this concept when my children were small…now they have their own children to scare…I don’t know if they have an elf thing…I’ll have to ask…maybe not…I would have heard about it by now…

  112. I have the hardest time finding places to put the damn elf. It’s like, there’s only so many times you can shove it in the Christmas tree before the kids start questioning why the elf hasn’t moved in three days.

    Probably because of all the drugs, children. Merry Christmas.

  113. I don’t think anyone else’s Elf’s will be found doing anything close to being as bad ass as what yours just did! You should totally pin that to one-up those other examples!

  114. You should tell Victor that if the elf can cut the couch, he should watch himself because the elf might cut him too! (the elf might be a douch canoe like that) Besides, maybe your elf is less of a “watch-over-your-behavior” type of an elf and more of a “take-behavior-modification-into-his-own-hands” kind of elf. That shit could go downhill fast, just sayin.

  116. I’m sad that I just googled elf on the shelf cages and nothing came up. Its time these little pricks do some time if they are going to do the crime.

  117. When my little brother and I were children my parents had such an elf, which means those things are OLD. He was just a Christmas decoration and never watched us or tattled (no one likes a tattle tale!). We killed him anyway because he was creepy. I think he was filled with sawdust which makes him very old. Damn! Think of the money we could have made off a vintage EOTS!!!!!!

  118. Elves are totally creepy. Last year at our office building they had a giant Christmas display with elves decorating the tree. And every single one of them had shifty eyes or an unsettling smirk. Freaky.

  122. I’m pretty sure most elves wouldn’t ransack the house for drugs, though it definitely sounds like something… Elfis Presley… might do.

    😀

  124. Honestly, fuck those elves…they are super weird with their creepy little Stepford smiles. But… maybe I should get an elf…and then I could just throw the dirty laundry (or clean, unfolded laundry) all over the house and stash dirty dishes in random locations instead of washing them and blame it on the elf.

    “I don’t know what the hell is going on, honey. It’s gotta be that fucking elf. Little bitch needs to clean that shit up. I have enough to do.”

    Am I right?

  129. I have a couple of friends who are doing this and every morning on Facebook they’re like, “I totally forgot to move the elf AGAIN this morning so my kids are all disappointed.”

    There’s a simple solution for that. Don’t do the dumb creepy Elf on the Shelf thing. It’s weird.

  130. I love it and must say sounds about right with the way my husband would have gotten on me for something that was literally under his nose for an eternity. Had to share this one, because seriously, the best damn Elf post I have seen yet!!

  131. Hands down the best use of Elf on a Shelf I have seen yet. Those buggers are seriously creepy, and if my mother used one when I was younger, it would explain why I think creepy looking dolls like that have evil little souls… Im waaaaaaaaaatching yooooooooooooou….

  132. LMFAO. I agree with you. On all of it. Everything. Especially the cleaning the mess up part. It’s all fun and games until someone makes me clean.

    I’m afraid of the elf (and him holding a knife doesn’t help me sleep better) but if I had one I’d probably take pictures of him with my golden retriever, whose hobbies include long walks and chewing the squeakers and eyes from all of her toys.

  133. My mother bought one for my house last year. It literally sat on the shelf until January and didn’t move. My son said he didn’t like it but then he never even noticed it the rest of the season, even when I moved it on the shelves. So I got rid of it. Actually, I thought I did. I found the box the other day and no elf inside. I have looked everywhere and can’t find it. Hopefully my chihuahua got a hold of it. I would hate to think it’s around “watching” us. VERY creepy!

  134. He’s got those shifty eyes, that Elf on a Shelf. And if history is to teach us anything… or South Park, elves are not to be trusted. I saw Lord of the Rings. Sure they showed up to help eventually, but they were all condescending about it.

  135. I love the idea of the sneaky bastard elf being in every holiday photo from birth, just to mess w/ the kid (and at no other point in history will it be allowed to be on a shelf).

    Also – the elf thing is waaaaay creepier than your collection of taxidermied animals. I am hoping to make it through my child’s formative years sans Shelf Elf.

  136. Good lord that IS creepy lookin. Way to go Jenny. You just designed THE MOST CREEPY CHRISTMAS CARD, EVER. I can actually think of two people I’d send that card to. Different caption, but still.

  138. I shared your post with my boyfriend. After reading it, his question was, “Why didn’t she fix the cushion?” My response was, “I’d fix the cushion by flipping it over so you couldn’t see the hole anymore.” His response was, “BLAAAAAAAAAARGH! They make leather repair kits!!”

  139. As much as I hate seeing all of my friends posting their cute little Elf’s all over their Facebook, I am looking forward to what you do with your Asshole Elf. Makes me wish I had an Elf. Do you think a 15 year old girl would appreciate finding an Elf pillaging through her panty drawer? Naughty Elf.

  142. We have elves living in the walls of our house. I hear them scurrying about being all elvish.
    I say elves. I told the kids they’re elves. They’re more likely mice. Probably mice dressed as elves though with it being almost Xmas. I expect they’re wearing tiny elf shoes with teeny bells on the end and have fashioned a sleigh from a discared cigarette box.
    Maybe.
    I hope so….
    🙂

  143. I would make sure there isn’t a dead elf hooker hidden in your couch, just as a precaution. MAYBE THAT’S HOW THE COUCH GOT THE HOLE IN THE FIRST PLACE. You don’t know what that Shelf Elf was up to two years ago (though it probably had something to do with snorting ground up candy canes and bartering children’s Christmas gifts for elf heroin).

  145. Christmas card, please!!!!! I need a new one to shock my mother-in-law this year.

  146. Fucking hell, an elf was given to us yesterday by a well-meaning mom who felt sorry for my daughter as she was the *only* one in her second grade class who didn’t have an elf. And now I have to leave notes? And do shit? Much less remember to move it. Guh. One more thing, right? I should be more joyful, but I still have presents to buy and decorations to put up (#firstworldproblems, totally) and I also have MS (#notnecessarilyfirstworldproblems) and am extremely tired. I think I’m just going to move it around and let that be it. Damn this elf. This is very similar to the fish gift that we got from my daughter’s first grade teacher last year. Only that’s been going on for months. Alright, so the elf will only be here another twenty days, but still. Damn this elf!

  149. Despite their eye rolling and heavy sighing, I have forbidden all friends, neighbors, mailmen and family members from bringing that little bastard into my home.

  152. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I will not have an elf in the house because I refuse to make messes that I’m just going to have to clean up later. How about I just NOT make the mess in the first place and then I don’t have to be bitter, and my kids will have a much more pleasant Christmas season? Plus, my natural reaction to finding flour and applesauce all over my house would be RAGEFACE. If the “elf” did it and I was all, “aww, isn’t that funny, tee hee!” my kids would immediately know something was up. Or think I’d been taken by the bodysnatchers.

  153. You, Nicki Britton, and Craig Hlavaty need to get together and write a book on the subject of EOTS – I for one would buy it, because it would be funny as Hell. (Assuming, of course, that eternal flames are humorous in the first place.)

    ~EdT.

  155. And can I just say, what’s with the bullshit about having to buy the girl elf’s skirt separately? And don’t I have enough shit to do in December that adding the stress of coming up with clever shit for the elf to do is out of bounds and unnecessary? Not that I’m bitter.

    (AWESOME idea, using the knife, by the way. Love that! Makes me wish my couch had a hole in it…)

  156. Those things are creepy. I don’t think I’d be able to sleep at night if we had one. Maybe I’d get more done around here though with all of that no sleeping going on. Perhaps I need one. Simply to be productive.

  158. LOL – I’m so glad I’m not the only one that is annoyed by the elves ! I have yet to buy one – thank God my kids are too old for one now!

  159. Let’s be honest here. That little prick is just a smaller version of a lawn gnome. Desi probably likes it because there’s someone else in the house to blame besides him.

  161. Why do husbands do shit like that? Personally, though, I think you need to see the opportunities here. Like buying clothes and then saying “I’ve had this for THREE YEARS, what do you mean, IS THAT NEW?” Then you can really up your game and get another cat or a dog and when he’s all like WTF, you can be like, “Dude, you really need some help. We got this dog EIGHT YEARS AGO. How can you not remember that?” and then you can act all worried and have whispering convos on the phone while you peer at him over your shoulder and he’ll think you’re talking to the doctor and really you’ll just be ordering more clothes.

  164. You cannot ever trust an elf, especially ONE with a knife, ESPECIALLY when he IS all whacked out on eggnog and herbs that are now legal in two states.

    Elves frequently work in tandem with cats, ferrets, and metal chickens. If there is blood on the floor, they started it.

    DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON THEM.

  165. Don’t these Elves know it’s nearly Christmas?
    Who the fuck is making all my presents if these Elves are just piss-farting around with knives and shit?
    Where is Santa during all this malarky?

    Need to get that guy Cesar Milan’s book; Elves need rules, boundaries and limitations, Santa.

  166. I was TERRIFIED of the Elf on our shelf when I was a kid. So, of course, bought the first one I saw as an adult! Mwah ha ha ha ha! Keeps those damned kids upstairs!

  169. Whoa, Amanda, that is incredibly fucked up. BUT I LOVE IT!! I’ve thought of going to couples counseling with one of those and complaining about how my partner’s so verbally abusive and turning to him and saying, “So what do you have to say for yourself?!” pausing and then, “Oh, yeah, NOW you’re speechless! Now you have nothing to say!” LOL

  171. a certain 8 year old’s ‘elf on the shelf’ burst into flames this weekend because i was feeling a bit over-achieverish and put the thing in the ceiling light. poor elf looks like he’s gone to hell. however, the terror of christmas not coming has subsided thanks to some gauze and a call from ‘santa’ (a.k.a. a friend from work). damn elves… motherhood is hard enough without this guilt on top of it.

  173. Dammit! We totally missed out on the Elf on The Shelf thing when mine was small! In one way, that makes me a little sad – but in another way I’m glad – because who has time for that?!

  175. I think my dog would have murdered an elf on the shelf by now. It looks like something she’d shake repeatedly and shred. And then blame on the dog in the oven.

  176. I’m kind of obsessed with these elves now and really fucking want one with which to traumatize my friends and family.

  179. Am I the only one who secretly wishes some mean kid on the bus would tell my kids that I move that damn elf? I mean, seriously. I can hardly get myself up every morning, let alone remember to move the elf before the kids get up. And then, when I do forget (which has happened twice already) I have to make like our elf is a total slacker and is too lazy to go to the North Pole every night. What is this teaching my kids? DOWN with the Elf.

  181. that elf on the shelf is a creepy scary fucked up thing. i hate him. i wouldn’t be surprised if somehow he was responsible for that hole in the couch.

  183. Not to sound redundant, but that is one of the best elf pics I’ve seen.

    I prefer not to waste time with the elf, I just tell my kids that Santa gave me his cell phone number and I have him on speed dial. And so help me, if you don’t put your butt in that grocery basket seat right now I will call him and tell him to put you on the naughty list…

    -Shannon

  184. I don’t mess around with the elf. I just tell my kids that I have Santa’s number and so help me, if you don’t put your butt in that grocery cart seat right now I will call him and tell him to put you on the naughty list. Test me…
    -Shannon

  188. I know that image is going to reoccur sometime in my dreams tonight. Happy little elf turned into couch stabbing, knife wielding psycho elf….kind of like gremlins but much worse. Ps- Congrats on the GoodReads Award!

  190. Ugh, Victor’s been drinking the Suburban Mommy KoolAid, I see. I really thought better of him.

    The only solution is for you to taxidermy the elf (or have your dad do it, anyway) and then sell him in a resale shop.

  191. Jenny,
    Weren’t you co-host of a naughty elf link-up last year? My elf is nice, not like your creepy knife-wielding maniac elf.

  196. Last year, a woman came into the store and asked if we had one of those flying elves. I said, “Elf on a Shelf?” and she said, “Does it fly?” Her daughter learn about them at school, and she swore that there was an elf that flew around the room at night. The daughter is obviously highly intelligent to have such an imagination. The mother…not so much.

  201. Hmmm… I think the shelf elves are creepy, too. I would never buy one. Yet, we have elves from the 1960’s that are horribly maimed and barely held together with glue and paperclips, and my mother insists that they HAVE to go on the tree every year. The minute she kicks off, I am throwing them AWAY.

  202. Is it me or does the elf look like it sliced off its own leg? You could tape on a Popsicle stick and slap on a eye patch and make it a pirate elf.

  205. And if you blame the elf… well, Victor’s the one who brought the elf into your home, so WHO’S REALLY AT FAULT HERE, HMM?

  206. We’re Jewish so we don’t have any elves hanging around the house. I do, however, have a shelf-giraffe who scares the shit outta my dog. All I have to do is change its location just a smidge and she growls at the thing and then barks when it doesn’t run away. Endless hours of amusement ensure.

  208. Those elves are evil, vile little tattletales.

    They sneak around the house, spying on you like freaky little perverts, looming ominously around every corner, always ready to leap out and attack.

    And you KNOW the little pervs are reporting everything back to Santa, but keep Krampus on speed dial, just in case…

  211. Little elves are creepy. But gnomes are the shish. They have a better style and they to travel. Plus, remember that cartoon David the Gnome? Yeah, that was pretty sweet.

  213. There was a hole in my step daddies couch for about five years, that he never once knew about. My baby step brother had found a swiss arms knife, butchered the couch cushions, then somehow flipped said cushion over to hide the damage. And no one was ever the wiser….

  214. Since I have this sneaking suspicion that my kids all ready think it’s funny to make a total mess and blame it on “nobody,” and “I didn’t do it,” why give them something else to blame crap on? Honestly? The elf creeps me out…it’s *always* smiling…

  215. You know, I HAD an elf-on-the-shelf as a kid, but never knew he was reporting back or was supposed to move around!

    When I had a (humourless) roommate, I used to take this 1960s-type troll doll (the ones with their limbs spread wide, totally naked, with their hair standing up on end) and would hide it in her clothing. A pocket, a shoe…whatever. It also made every out of town trip with her, because I always managed to slip it into her luggage SOMEWHERE. She HATED it!

    That, and the fact I’d coloured all the food in the refrigerator different colours by the time she got back!

    Grey 🙂

  216. That is absolutely my favorite Elf picture in the entire world. Even more so than my friend’s Elf being kidnapped by Ninja Turtles this morning (that bastard had it comin’!).

  217. That tear looks pretty obvious. How did Victor miss it?

    And did he really think you would cut up the furniture for a funny picture? You wouldn’t, would you?

  218. I picked up my son from school on Monday and he was crying because the elf on the shelf came to visit their class, and we didn’t have one…..so we ran to Hallmark and bought the fucking thing for 30 bucks…and while were there my daughter sees Frosty the Snowman from the movie….now shes crying cause she wants Frosty…so I end up going back there on Tuesady to buy fucking Frosty….$60.00 later and I have to find places to place this fucking elf everyday….who’s fucking idea was this….it’s not like I don’t have enough shit to do everyday, now I gotta take care of this fucking elf….and carry that fucking Frosty around everywhere with us for my daughter….Thanks Hallmark your a bunch of bastards!

  220. My friend decided that it wasn’t enough to say the elf would “lose his magic” if the kids touched it, so she said it bites. Now I have a certain affinity for carnivorous elves.

  224. I am SO with you. I didn’t even want one of these little fuckers to begin with, because what has happened was exactly what I knew would happen: The elf has become MY fucking problem by virtue of the fact that I’m the last one to bed every night … so I’m the schmuck who gets the pleasure of climbing into bed next to my sleeping spouse and then, just before I drift off, I jerk awake with the inevitable “Oh fuck! I have to move the elf!” realization.

    And she has the audacity to say to me last week, “I think the elf should be a little more mischievous this year,” and something about “toilet-papering” the room.

    Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

    The ONLY reason to have one of these is to use it as a means to scare your children into behaving well. And, as the letter my elf wrote the kids last year points out, that shit doesn’t work anyway.

    Eff the Elf.

  225. One leather couch: $1500.00
    One steak knife: about tree fiddy.
    Giving Victor Christmas Conniptions: PRICELESS.

    For most marital shenanigans, creativity and cussedness suffice. For everything else, there’s BloggessCard.

  226. Just got a Good Reads email: you won! Best Humor for 2012. Congratulations! And bonus: it totally validates my decision to buy a copy of your book for all my sisters and friends.

  229. YOU GAVE THAT CREEPY-ASS ELF A KNIFE??? What the hell is wrong with you, woman? Now that thing has learned to love the knife. He’ll talk to the other elves. There will be a fucking massacre and it’s going to be your fault. Oh my god, Jenny Lawson. I love you to death, but really. You have to think these things through.

  232. I thought your hubby lived in your house? How did HE not know there was a hole in the couch for TWO YEARS? Did I miss something? Is he blind? That was explain SO MUCH! Maybe you just didn’t realize it because he’s figured out how to live life through his ears!! That’s why:
    * He didn’t react when you’re dad through a baby bobcat at him!
    *He didn’t react when you put a HUGE METAL CHICKEN on his doorstep!
    *He didn’t think to tell you about the couch cushions. He thinks that’s where you stop sitting, as soon as you feel something!

    You know, this could explain so much…
    …except how he knew there was a Shelf Elf taking a knife to the couch. I’ll figure it out though.

    MAYBE they are in CAHOOTS!

    I’m on your side honey. We all have your back.

  233. Not related to this Elf post – but just saw that you are the Goodreads Best Humor Book of 2012. Congratulations!!!

  234. It’s Victor’s fault in the first place for BUYING a demonic elf, bringing it into your home, and then setting it loose on his DAUGHTER! What kind of parent is he? You’re just giving Elfie Sassypants something else to do with his time. Like destroy furniture.

  235. I also have an Elf. For the kids. But I still think, even after three years, that it is really creepy looking. And agree with previous posters about the hole – how can that go unnoticed? lol

  236. YOU, Jenny, are going to become the poster child of inappropriate elfing! I love looking at the cutesy Elf pins on Pinterest and then putting a twisted spin on them. You should see what my elf wrote on the eggs in the fridge today. (NSFW.)

  238. When my husband and I were dating I would randomly hide pocket sized gnomes around his apartment. I had a blast hiding them in random or completely obvious places. Except for that one time when I hid one in the toilet and he ate way too many bran muffins… that really wasn’t pretty.

    I just realized like I’m commenter number two hundred something. I’ll be amazed if you read this. If you do, next time I’ll tell you about the time my hubby scratched his balls and had some theragesic gel on his hands still… That was pretty fun. I laughed really hard. He wasn’t able to laugh about it until a couple of months ago…

  239. Those elves are fucking creepy! I do NOT understand the elf on the shelf idea. Have an elf be a real bastard that works for Santa? Yes, that’ll teach my kids what to do (and totally not give them epic ideas, lol)… Somebody was double dipping the nog.

  240. OK is it just me or does the stupid elf just add more work to my already over loaded day? I refuse to do it! That’s right passive agressive sister who sent me an Elf on the Shelf even though I said fuck no to him, I threw the kit away. And why is the elf who reports “good behavior” to Santa such a mischevious little bastard? I think he needs to be put in his place.

  241. We have one, I hate it, it is DEFINITELY creepy!! I LOVE YOUR READERS!! These comments are so freaking funny! You must read Jen at People I want to Punch in the Throat?? Her overachieving elf on the shelf mommies post went viral last year (small potatoes for you, Im sure). It’s a wonderful “fuck the elf” post. Love you, Jenny, and congrats on the good reads!

  242. When my kids were the shelf-elf appropriate age, I can assure you that any elf sitting around waiting to rat people out to Santa would have been subject to a “mysterious disappearance.” There’d be no evidence of any such stool-pigeon elf in OUR house.

  243. My boss’s brother just called him to relate this story. His daughter called him at work to tell him he had to come right home because the elf had fallen over and did not look right, in fact….she had never seen him looking so bad. “You HAVE to come home right away, Dad. He looks terrible! I think there’s something really wrong!” She wouldn’t touch him because only grown ups can. Elf on a Shelf….screwing with children’s heads in this holiday season.

  248. My cousin, who is not on Pinterest (thank all possible deities ever or I would be hiding under my couch feeling infinitely insignificant) has one of those things. Except she’s awesome and doesn’t make ridiculous messes. Instead, just a few days ago she somehow managed to get lipstick on my uncle (I’m assuming he was visiting overnight?) while he slept and hung the elf upside down from the ceiling with the lipstick tube in his hand.

    I love my family.

  249. I hate that elf propaganda! Hey parents buy this elf so we can make money and we will pretend it reports back to Santa. Oh and buy this book too so it explains why some creepy little man sneaks around the house at night. Great, I can see the nightmares now. My mom bought one and keeps it at her house. She watches my girls when I pretend to work. My 4 yro told her Gramma that it wasn’t real. That elf shit is not getting past her. Thats my girl. Now if this was any other kid that said that I would put the Elf in the kids bed while the kid slept… but thats just me being sick.

  250. The Elf on the Shelf thing totally needs to be redone with Lord of the Rings elves. Instead of making messes, the Elf could have epic battles every night.

  256. I laughed so hard at this my 15 year-old wandered over to see what was funny. And now she knows about your blog. So basically, the age at which I started exposing my kids to my real sense of humor is 15. I’m just going to leave that here as condemning evidence for later.

  258. That is awesome! My kiddos are too little for that yet thank goodness, it is creepy! I thought you might want to know that apparently your pic has been making the rounds without credit. I tell you, because I think you’re awesome and hilarious =)
    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=395420040533926&set=a.194651810610751.47057.194650670610865&type=1

    well if you copy and paste it should hopefully work, apparently it’s from occupybacon.net =(

  260. We don’t have these things in Australia. He looks like a Johnnycab driver from “Total Recall.”

    All dolls are creepy. My sister had this hideous giant child-bride doll which would sit there with her chubby little hands reaching for you, lips parted, showing her weird, square calf-teeth. She suffered nightly evictions from our shared bedroom. My sister would put her back when I fell asleep, still dusty and covered in cobwebs from where I had shoved her behind the bookshelf in the hallway. It looked as though she had spent the night stalking Vincent Price.

  261. I hate that creepy ass elf. Not in my house, no sir. We prefer Krampus instead. (German folklore) Run that one by the kids, they will be angels all year. He doesn’t pretend to be cute or nice.

  262. Pingback: Angry Elves Are Disrupting Icelandic Highway ProjectsPhantom Sway |

  263. Take that knife and shove it right through the chest of that green stuffed booger. Then run that fucker through a blender on puree. Finally, flush that green pig shit down the toilet. Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season … but even Jesus hates the snot coloured tiny bastard. Elf rhymes with diarrhea.

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