Why I shouldn’t be allowed on pinterest. (Also, if you made one of these and want me to delete it or link to you just tell me.)

in Random Crap

I like pinterest.  But whenever I see motivational quotes on there I can’t help but think that they need a little something extra.

So I’ve added it.

I apologize.

No. In the middle of difficulty lies "ficul". Learn to spell.

 

And by "BEING FABULOUS" I mean "BURNING YOUR GARAGE DOWN."

 

Unless you're in the Olympics. Or the zombie apocalypse. Or any job interview ever.

 

Which is technically great revenge because my head is a fucking terrible place to live.

 

Unless it's braille. You can really fuck up a heart by rubbing it across braille.

 

Unless your dream is "not having to work anymore". Which is kind of what most of us are dreaming about. Otherwise we'd be working. Now I have a headache.

 

Unless you're worried that you misspelled something so you go proofread your quote and you say: "Why is there an 'e' at the end of 'never'?" Maybe I should erase that extra loop before someone makes fun of it in a blog. That would be wise."

 

Yesterday I chose to be Eleanor Roosevelt.

 

You also have fake wooden paneling. You need an interior decorator.

 

BUT ITS FILLED WITH PEOPLE WHO HAPHAZARDLY USE PUNCTUATION AND SHOUT A LOT OMG DONT GO THERE I HAVE A HEADACHE ALREADY

 

Your sweater just called you an asshole.

 

Never mind that there's a serial killer standing at the top of the stairs. He's probably just waiting for the bus. Really. Go on ahead.

 

Who left all these mustaches here?
You'll find that it's much less expensive. That's why amateur porn is so prevalent.

 

"Did you guys see that? That asshole just jumped off the roof. Probably because he confused 'imagination' with 'PCP'."~ Muhammad Ali

 

I can't tell if this image is purposely half fuzzy or if I've just had a stroke.

 

Really? Wait 12 hours.
...doing meth.

 

Direct quote from a man who's been dead for 50 years.
And a "y". Lots of them, actually.

 

268 thoughts on “Why I shouldn’t be allowed on pinterest. (Also, if you made one of these and want me to delete it or link to you just tell me.)”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. It’s always to early to quit…doing meth. Classic. Hilarious. Love you tons. I personally wish you and yours a very Happy New Year!

  4. My adoration of you grows stronger every day. Your snark is legendary and your wit is violently sharp.

  6. My clothes talk behind my back all the time. Trust me when I say that asshole is not the worst thing that your sweater can call you. I tried to keep all my separate so they don’t get a chance to gossip, but ManFriend says that grownups wear shirts AND pants, not shirts OR pants.

    Hope your 2013 is filled with a billion more highs then lows.

  8. The one with the mustaches, I think the bottom ones are more like angry eyebrows. Someone got confused and put their eyebrows beneath their mustache. Or maybe it’s not really a mustache, but a toupee.

  9. UGH. I always hate those cheesy “I’ll feel better about this one day because I’m not really that much of a fatass.” quotes. The only thing worse are the quotes people post that are misspelled or grammatically incorrect. (Doesn’t everyone have spell check now? I think they even have it in China.) I’m always tempted to take a marker and correct them, but then I remember it’s on a computer screen and I can make it go away my closing the window. Now I can’t get all these damn commas to clean off.

  10. “Your sweater just called you an asshole”. I want that on a t-shirt and crash all those ugly sweater parties.

  11. You’re the wind beneath my wings… which, granted, will probably cause turbulence and force the plane to crash. Hope there’s a tasty soccer team on board.

  12. I am glad I am not the only one who sees the “motivational” stuff on Pinterest the same way! Wish I could block people from following me so I could make comments and my friends won’t know how seriously twisted I am. In the meantime, I love how seriously twisted you are!

  16. A friend just turned me on to you the other day, and by “turned me on” I mean I am practically orgasmic with laughter every time I read another of your posts.

    If you worked these into real de-motivational posters, I’d definitely pin them to Pinterest. With, like, a voo-doo doll’s worth of pins.

  22. I thought I was the only one who had snarky thoughts about motivational shit. This is awesome. My only regret is that, “It is what it is,” didn’t make the cut. Although that one is more pseudo-philosophical than pseudo-motivational. Still, it deserves to be mocked.

  23. This is fun! It’s kind of like adding “in bed” to the end of Chinese fortunes. Only way snarkier, and involving less sex. Maybe you could add “in bed” to the end of the caption, because we could all use a little more sex. Or a lot. Unless you’re a prostitute, and then you probably could use less sex. Except then you’d get paid less. So may be prostitutes want more sex, too. Either way, everything goes better when it ends in bed.

  24. I am oblivious because at first I thought you doctored the actual images and sayings and didn’t understand what I was missing in the first one. Duh. <3 these. <3 you!!

  28. Dammit, if I weren’t the only freaking person who had to work today I’d totally be busted for laughing out loud at these. Well, the little squirrelly guy is here. But he’s holed up in his cube and I do NOT want to know what he’s doing in there. Seriously. Anyway…funny stuff.

  29. Those are awesome. Seriously made me laugh out loud.

    Jenny- I wish you a very happy new year. *hugs*

  31. One more reason why I think you are amazing. I laughed until the tears flowed and then laughed some more… Happy New Year!

  32. Oh, I am so going to start leaving snarky comments like these on the motivational items I see pinned! Especially on the thinspiration crap, which always makes me want to punch kittens.

  33. I love Pinterest, but I am not into motivational quotes. They do nothing but piss me off. It’s like having fluffy bunnies and rainbow-colored butterflies all around you. Bring on the zombie apocalypse any day of the week! Which is why I have a zombie board – on Pinterest. 🙂

    Happy New Year to you!

  34. Totally agree with the suggestion that a line of motivational posters (or digital images that can be used as desktop backgrounds, facebook cover images, etc.) is in order. Best wishes for continued awesomeness in 2013!

  37. Muahaaahahaha… Yeah for you & your snarky inspirations. I do think they need to be made available to the public as shirts/posters/cards so everyone can be more educated!!!

  45. My work has demotivational posters in the lunch room. Sayings like ” if a poster with a pretty picture and some quote motivate you, your job will
    soon be done by robots.”

  46. I don’t know why, but the Eleanor Roosevelt got me. I can’t stop laughing. I guess I finally lost it and it’s no surprise to me that it’s your fault.

    Happy New Year, Jenny!

  51. Thank you for posting what I was thinking about moto posters. I’m glad I’m not the only one with the urge to correct the spelling and punctuation of those posts.

  53. Love the modifications, they are so you. So happy to discover I am not the only one who tires of reading them. Thanks for the laughs and have a wonderful new year. Unless you don’t want to, in which case you should disregard the previous sentence.

  56. One word. Awesome!

    Although when you look back it really is three words. And now I have gone and fucked up the count majorly by adding this entire sentence. Well, really three sentences… Oh, whatever!

  59. Those damn things are utterly repulsive.

    First of all, there’s nothing more likely to make you unhappy than TRYING LIKE CRAZY to be happy.

    Second of all, you don’t need to be MOTIVATED OUT OF YOUR MIND if you have a decent economy, welfare state, and healthcare system.

    Third of all – you still follow all those weird mormon housewives we were given at the beginning of pinterest? Unsubscribe, for pity’s sake! (Or not, at least you bring us the funnies)

  61. Fabulous! I wish I had more time to make fun of things on Pinterest, but there’s just so much, how the hell do you chose!

  62. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do this but was too afraid that I’d offend people. Or they would think that I was just nit-picking positive things. Thanks for being brave. And hilarious.

  63. Definitely one reason I’VE stayed off of pinterest….

    (it’s nice to know somebody else thinks of serial killers as often as I do)

  64. Love it! I have made such snarky comments in my head. I hate when my facebook friends post these things because they seem like a cry for help, or at least….I feel almost bullied into “liking” them, as if I ignore them I could be labeled a cold hearted b*tch. When all I want is to give a snarky comment which I guess would label me a b*tch….sigh…it is a catch 22.

    Anyways, happy (belated) birthday my fellow after Xmas birthday pal!

  65. I love the add-ons to Robert Frost.

    And, I jsut want to add that my mom got me your 2013 calendar for Christmas. Every morning, when I look at it, I giggle. Thank you for ensuring I’ll get a laugh each and every day!

  66. I must say, your modifications to the Grudge quote make a lot of sense. I bet living in a lot of heads, mine included, would not be worth the free rent. In fact, it might be an appropriate punishment for whatever the grudgee did.

  69. Best New Year’s Eve present ever. I feel bad, I didn’t get you anything. Here, have a new year in about 11 hours. Father Time forgot about you…apparently. Or started drinking early. Don’t worry, I’ll pick up the slack.

  70. OK, the staircase one? First thing that came into my mind: the poster for “The Exorcist” with the priest outside the house at the bottom of the cement stairs. FIRST THING.

  79. I have a t-shirt that says “SARCASM:

    I love to make snarky comments about people and things that are just BEGGING for my snarkyness, but I’m usually about a half beat behind. Does that make me quick witted in my head or just outwardly slow witted?

  81. I loathe inspirational quotes. Glad to see I’m not the only one who makes snarky comments in my head everytime someone posts one. I wish they were limited to Pinterest. .. I always like someone a little less when they post one on facebook.

  83. I read that as, It’s Always to Early to Quit doing math. I thought, actually, it’s never to late to quit doing math.

    Happy New Year, Jenny!

  85. I have a t-shirt that says “SARCASM: Just another one of the services I offer”. It’s worn out.

  88. I have always wanted to do this with those awful pregnancy photographs that couples take of the woman’s belly. I am sure I would be sued, or worse, people would send me more of those pictures. Well done.

  92. I just love you. Thanks for making my head a better place to live, giggles work wonders!

  94. Do you think if two people who dissect ridiculous internet postings met in person they’d like each other, hate each other or cause some sort of implosion of the universe? (I can’t speculate because it has never happened.)

  95. The one’s that always get me are the words ‘friends’ or ‘family’ stenciled on to the wall surrounded by photo’s. What if you don’t have that many close friends? Are you supposed to hang empty pictures? I’d like to make a wall that says family, and then hang up ten pictures of that forever alone guy.

  96. I loved these! I even read them to my husband so he’d stop worrying about my laughing alone in the room!
    My favorite was the sweater called you an asshole!

  97. You’ve just made me realise that you can’t spell “difficult” without ICU. I think I have my new motto.

  99. Could you go something about “heartwarming” TV shows and movies. They make me slightly homicidal as well. Your snark, makes everything better.

  100. Thanks for the funnies. It’s my birthday (I think, long story) and I’ve been far too serious lately, so I really appreciated it. Happy belated birthday to you too Jenny!

    : )

  101. I’d like to turn your versions into motivational posters for my house. Because honesty is the best policy (unless you’re a lawyer and have to defend someone who’s guilty. In that case, pleading the 5th is the best policy).

  102. Thank you soo much for this post. I was having a horrible day and some of these made me laugh out loud and now I am sitting here with a smile on my face. You are the best!

  103. And I thought some of the other posts that made me laugh soooo hard were funny . . . silly me.
    This is THE FUNNIEST F’N POST EVER!!!

  104. Right so …

    I live in my car which means there is this whole tedious process that includes when it’s time to climb in the back, you pile all the shit that was in the back to the front, then cover up with blankets and such to keep warm since it’s currently snowing. Then of course you reverse that order when you want to move from the back to the front.

    After settling in and thinking hmm, I wonder what the bloggess is up to today and upon reading “Which is technically great revenge because my head is a fucking terrible place to live.” I lol’d so hard that I almost peed myself and had to scramble as fast as I could to the front to run into the nearest bathroom at my local wifi spot.

    That was THE most fun ’round these parts that I have had in a long time and my dog kept whacking me with his waggling tail not knowing what was happening but joining in on the excitement.

    I have the biggest smile on my face and keep giggling every time I think of the rent free revenge response … So THANK YOU for that one!

    So much <3 for you right now … Best last day of 2012 EVER! (still laughing)

  106. Thanks! I needed a laugh and a cup o’ java. Still need the JAVA however…. too bad your blog can’t make coffee… and my coffee pot is so far away….

    Happy New YEAR!!!! And Belated BIRTHDAY, and What ever else the heck it is because I am sure I have missed some HOLIDAY that SOMEONE celebrates in some remote corner of the Universe.

  108. I passionately hate images on Pinterest that are just text on a coloured background. That’s not an image. That’s a quote that you wanted to put on Pinterest so you made a coloured square in a graphics program and used the add text tool. They get SLIGHTLY more points if there’s some kind of imagery but even most of those are pretty stupid, so I fully support mockery at every opportunity.

  110. The best one is about the grudge. I have one I’ve been carrying about for 20+ years now. Perhaps it’s time to let it go at last–finally a resolution I’ll be able to keep. Thanks.

  114. I do love Pintrest but it’s nice to take those quotes with a grain of salt. I love salt. Mmmm….

  115. is there a witty-ironic hipster shirt somewhere that reads: “You are what you wear.”?

    or maybe better would be “You are what you where”.

  118. I have to fight the urge to put comments like that on several of my friends and family members Facebook pages on a daily basis. They insist on posting dozens of inspirational quotes daily. Yesterday at lest 4 of the ones you posted showed up. I think some of these people need to find tumblr or something cuz Facebook is not the place for this. But I’m only evil on the inside so I just think angry thoughts and talk about them here (I guess). I happen to not need other ppl to post inspirational pics on my time line my moodiness is all the inspiration I need thank you very much ( I should make that it to a insprational quote.

  119. This was great! I had such a hard time getting out of bed today, but I had things to do and i had to remember that depression lies. I finally got out of bed at 2:30, made brownies for the New Years party, which I am actually looking forward to, and sat down to catch up with the Internet. It’s always risky, sometimes it can bring me down, but today you were there. This was really great! I still want to go back to bed, but these made me laugh for a bit. Thanks for that.

  121. Just perfect!!
    I agree, you’ve finally said what most of us have been thinking for so long.
    I can’t wait to pin this to my humor board. =)

  125. I knew I got out of bed for SOME good reason today! Beside stupid work and stuff.
    That ‘dreams don’t work’ thing just makes no sense. Dreams are not supposed to WORK. They happen when you’re ASLEEP fortheloveofGod.

  127. Awwww, thanks for the awesomeness, Jenny! Those quotes often bring me down when I know they’re supposed to bring me up. Who brought all of these mustaches?
    Happy New Year!

  131. You always know what I’m thinking, Jenny!

    And by that, I mean never because, ohmyGod, you’re mind is an even darker, more twisted place than my own. :p

    By the way, many times when I see an inspirational quote or poster, I get the sudden urge to stab it like Norman Bates in Psycho. Or Michael Myers.

    I have a button. It’s a smiley face with a gunshot between the eyes.

    It’s my favorite button, ever. Ok, my second favorite. My first favorite is the one that says “Cute, but psycho. Things even out.”

    I need tequila. 2012 has been a sucktastic year for me. And what happened on Christmas Eve just completely fucked up that holiday for all of us here.

    Happy New Year! 😀

  133. OMG, this made me laugh! That is the gift you have given me this year – laughter. Thank you for that.

    Also, the one about going the extra mile because it’s never crowded? What if the extra mile is part of the Boston marathon, and that shit is always crowded. And the give to get – does that mean we should only give gifts to get something? I think the for on that sign is blurred on purpose. It’s subliminal .

    I am looking forward to a whole lot more of Bloggess love in the new year!!

  134. They’re sooooo much better with your additions. I hope that there’s going to be a part two. They make more sense with your comments and I think a lot of people could benefit from that.

  135. I just laughed so hard I snorted! My husbands ex has this quote ” you can’t compare her to me. It’s like comparing a troll doll to a Barbie’ …hahaha…I could go a so many places with that..but typically leave it at Troll dolls have more fun…and better hair….and jewels bellies! 😉

  144. DAMNIT!! I nearly had a stroke laughing and crying so hard reading this. The good news? I was sitting in my doctor’s office when I read it. Guess that’s the place to be if you’re having a stroke….reading the Bloggess website.

    You are much appreciated by your loyal minions.

  145. Laughter makes you live longer, or so they say. Your words make me laugh out loud so hard I once literally peed my pants a little! Thank you for the laughter. I feel like you are in my head sometimes! My sarcasm comes out in your blog, which is good, because if it came out at work, I’d be in trouble. Thank you!

  147. I absolutely need the “Dreams don’t work” on a card to put in my new cube. It’ll dovetail nicely with the “Number 1 need for creativity: SOLITUDE” quote I am planning on making.

    Happy New Year, Jenny! Happy New Year, fellow minions!

  148. A bit off topic but wanted to be sure you received this gift of information. AMC TV has provided the perfect Valentine’s present just for you (the rest of us will watch from the sidelines). On Thursday, February 14 the show “Immortalized” will premiere. Two words: Competitive. Taxidermy.

  149. I always do this in my head when I see the memes and think. “Man, I should totally mock them openly.” Sometimes I do and I get a laugh, other times I forget what I was going to say. Then I remember I’m being followed by an elephant. Sure, I turn around and he’s there whistling and reading a newspaper like it’s just a coincidence, but I know he’s following me.

  150. And yet again I came close to either spitting on my screen or snorting coffee out my nose. At least I know that I’m not the only person that has snarky thoughts about all these motivational posters, but I think your comments are much better than anything that I’ve come up with.

  151. I just wanted to say Happy Birthday for Saturday! (from memory your birthday is the 29th? I remember because mine is too, not because I’m a crazy stalker lady who follows you everywhere, although honestly, if I lived in Texas I probably would. . .wait, I wasn’t meant to say that out loud)
    ANYWAY – Happy belated birthday and I hope you had a fantabulous day and were spoiled rotten!!!

  157. I’m totally stealing this “Your sweater just called you an asshole.” I am saying to EVERYONE especially my mom who wears those creepy holiday sweaters.

  158. “Go the extra mile it’s never crowded”… unlike the spacing on this sign.

    Inspirational indeed!

  162. I like motivational quotes, but some of the pictures are ridiculous, especially the ones with stylistic touches that are supposed to be artsy. (Hint: they aren’t) Also, have these people ever heard of punctuation? My God.

  163. I’m surprised that you didn’t find more of them with horrible word errors! All of the “your beautiful” crap has got to stop! It’s “you’re” people!!! Every time I see a “your” something, I think to myself, “It’s MINE and you can’t have it!!”

  164. Thanks for the laugh! I usually just go to Pinterest to laugh at what people actually say, but your way is probably kinder. At least, it’s funnier. Hope you all have a happy new year!

  165. I used to have the “BEING FABULOUS IS THE BEST REVENGE” as my twitter (@kennajanke) display picture because I didn’t know what to put it as…

    now it’s a picture of when I was drunk with a friend.

    Drunk is a better way to describe me than revenge anything.

    Simply because, I don’t give a fuck about anything if I have my alcohol snuggled up next to me… pouring down my throat… into my belly. Who could have anger issues if there is alcohol involved? Not me. Not one bit :).

  166. I like your take on things…do you have a bulletin board that you add these to on Pinterest? If you don’t, you totally should. I am guessing you wouldn’t be a huge fan of the Chicken Soup books….LOL.

  168. Forgive to forget…I think it’s a joint in the middle of the words…so works for me

  169. That’s why amateur porn is so……wait for it……PERValent. Not that I think pervs are funny. But they are, y’know? Sometimes? And why is sarcasm frowned upon? Really, it’s the best. Us sarcastic folks are just unappreciated! Wait, I need some more liquor. Happy end of 2012 y’all!

  172. This post and the comments made me sad. I found the additions amusing, but all the comments applauding their snarkiness are kind of troubling. I’ve never thought of Jenny as snarky. Sarcastic, certainly – magnificently so! But snarky means snide and unpleasant. Mean-spirited. This seems to be the antithesis of our Jenny. I know that inspirational quotes/posters can get old when they’re basically spammed in your FB feed, it’s true. But there’s a real person behind that post. Words can be pretty powerful, and as we’ve seen on this blog and on Jenny’s Twitter feed, can help pull people back from the abyss of suicide. I have a friend who shares these sort of posts when she’s doing particularly badly. It’s a signal for me to pay attention and step in to ask if there’s anything I can do to help. I can just imagine how she’d feel if I made fun of one of her posts. I know I’d be pretty devastated. (Jenny, I know I’m taking this way too seriously. I laugh my ass off most days when I read your blog, and you truly are an inspiration!)

    (It’s okay to take things too seriously every once in awhile. And it’s okay to not take them seriously enough as well. In between lies humanity. ~ Jenny)

  174. Aww.. shucks. Thank you so much. I love inspiration quotes. They are perking me up on this chilly winter night. Have a great New Year! Much success to you. Cheers.

  175. I love you, but not in a creepy way, more in a blogstalky way. Of course, now I have an almost insane desire to see your responses to demotivational posters…

  176. Love all of these. I just wanted to wish you and yours a Happy New Year and say that your book was without a doubt the funniest book I read in 2012. While I laughed hysterically at something in pretty much every chapter, I also admire how brave you are to share your life in such a way. Your book also made my own experience with living with a sometimes really unstable bipolar husband seem like less of a challenge.

    Please keep writing, I really want to read more about your wonderful work in the study of water squirrels, and the internet can always use more pictures of cats in funny wigs. 😀

  179. Okay, so funny story. I don’t have eyes (that’s not the punchline) and I’m a teacher (still not the punchline) and one of my students (who also doesn’t have eyes) (which also isn’t the punchline) has parents who introduced me to your blog back in August. Since then, I’ve stalked it in a manner not dissimilar to what several of my friends did when we saw a (okay, they saw) a real live Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken through someone’s living room window. Anyway, there’s not yet been a blog post that I could only appreciate half of due to my blindness. And then there’s this one. Can someone go through and caption the graphics, please? I could just run to a sighted neighbor and demand they visit your blog, but I just moved here and it’s 12am on the New Year and they’re drunk and they might shoot me and they probably wouldn’t realize I’m blind because we’ve never met and I (actually, I don’t currently have in fake eyes, they would probably realize I’m blind) (unless they’re really, REALLY drunk) — still, please? And now it strikes me that this frankly wasn’t a funny story at all. I’m a horrible storyteller. Oh, but bonus: You probably didn’t know until this moment that you have people who are so dedicated to reading your antics that even without eyes, we care. See? You learned something. You’re welcome.

    (1. I so adore you and this might be my favorite comment ever. Sorry it took me a day to respond, but here are all the graphics:

    In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.

    Being fabulous is the best revenge.

    It’s not about being the best. It’s about being better than you were yesterday.

    Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.

    The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. ~ Helen Keller

    Dreams don’t work unless you do.

    Worrying will never(e) change the outcome.

    I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

    You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body. ~ C.S. Lewis.

    GO THE EXTRA MILE IT’S NEVER CROWDED

    Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak ~ Rachel Zoe

    You don’t have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step.

    If you do what you always did you’ll get what you always got.

    If you think it’s expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur. ~ Red Adair

    The man who has no imagination has no wings.

    Forgive to Forget.

    Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time but it ain’t going away. ~ Elvis Presley

    It’s always too early to quit.

    In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.

    The difference between try and triumph is a little umph. ~ Marvin Phillips

    Much love ~ Jenny)

  180. PS– it’s worth mentioning that Beyonce the giant metal chicken was in the place of where a Christmas tree would probably go and had Christmas gifts (or Beyonce the Giant Metal Chickenmas gifts) piled at its feet. It was beautiful. Or so I’m told.

  181. I just want to thank you for all you did this year that enriched my life, lighten my load and so on…

  183. Hahaha! Thanks, we all enjoy some good cynicism, don’t we? I especially liked the serial killer at the top of the stairs and how worrying does change the outcome…

  186. You know those inspirational posters that employers hang up that say things like, “effort”, “teamwork” etc? Well, a few of us have ones with the same beautiful pictures but say things like, “procrastination”, “lethargy”…you get the picture, and you REALLY do because these are perfection. (I especially like the one about style..)
    Happy fucking new year Jenny!!

  187. Awesome thoughts!!! I got your book for Christmas and wanted to say thank you for making me laugh out loud!!

  188. Um, I totally agree with you about punctuation, but where is the added punctuation? And just to push that point home, you left out an apostrophe in your comment! But I still love you!

  189. Great! Now I will NEVER view an inspirational quote the same way again. Someday someone is gonna send me on to make me feel better and I’ll end up sending them a heckling reply. Thank! *grin*

  191. We should go through all of the motivational posters on Pinterest and end them with, “in bed” like fortune cookies!

  193. Thank God: you are the WWE smack-down champ who threw “motivational quotes” to the mat. Finally!

    However, I must defend Frost. In the first place, his quote is not “inspirational.” He doesn’t at all mean that life goes on from something bad to something good. More often: bad to bad. But it changes.

    Second of all: he may be dead, but in his work, he’s more alive than any of us will be.

  194. your fucking hilarious! I am already loathing 2013 & thanks to you, I’m reconsidering lacing my coffee with rat poisoning! Thanks for the chuckle!

  197. Actually, In the middle of difficulty lies “ficu” technically. Happy new year to you and yours!

  198. I can’t help but always just look at those motivational ‘posters’ and just think “Aww. Well, it’s a nice sentiment.”

  202. I get in trouble with my bbf when I make these sorts of comments on his inspirational quotes on Facebook. I am glad to see that he is obviously wrong and doesn’t understand humor, at all.

  204. No. In the middle of difficulty lies “ficul”.

    Or “ficu”. 3 letters cut from each side.

    Nah, I’m not OCD. Even if I did ride the shuttle bus all the way back to the long-term parking lot at the airport because I thought I didn’t lock the car.

  206. I do this in my head all the time… For some reason, raining on someone’s cliche always makes my day.

  207. Oh wow… Love it! You should take a look at http://www.despair.com it’s hilarious just like you. I have the mug already and bought some shirts for my kids… They used to have a poster of a beautiful flower that said ” YOU WERE MEANT FOR ME…perhaps as a punishment” :). Keep being you.

  208. I haven’t read here in quite some time. At first glance, I just saw the memes without your commentary and thought, “Shit, things can really change in a year. Dooce is single and The Blogess lost her everfucking mind.” Thank you for not losing your everfucking mind.

  209. The first one reminds me of a fantastic t-shirt I bought years ago, but was ultimately too ashamed to wear in public. It said: You can’t have “manslaughter” without “laughter.”

    So true. Especially if you’re slaughtering a clown.

  210. Oddly enough, having seen Rachel Zoe and her wacky high-fashion clothes, I have often thought her sweater was telling me she’s an idiot.

  212. Lol! Very entertaining, I laughed at the mustache one! I’ve been wanting to do a post like this for ages but I always think “meh”. I’m glad you did it though!

  214. Keep on pinning, Jenny, keep on pinning. Your tweaks are making Pinterest a better place.

  217. I love your add ons. Laughed out loud and scared my dog. Which made me laugh again, does that make me bad?

  220. OK – I’ll admit that I didn’t read all 2000 previous comments – but must say….. *FINALLY* somebody calls out the Pollyanna brigade on their perennially perky cheerful bullshit … thank you thank you thank you — xoxo

  226. Totally agree with MoabLynette!! Maybe I should take some time to concider my response to these things in future when I see them on Facebook rather than my usual response of “Oh fuck off you twat” and deleting it from my timeline…..

  227. I love this. Nothing irks me more than when I walk into someone’s house and their rooms are covered head-to-toe in motivational phrases and signs. First, if you can only define yourself using another persons words…why would you advertise it? Second, I don’t need your smug happiness burning my retina. I can do that all on my own by staring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day. And get paid for it.

  235. What I may admire most about this post — aside from your captions, which are fabulous — is the restraint you showed in just choosing a handful of them to put on here.

    Because I *know* you could do this all day. Like, I think there could be a game show, where someone holds up a motivational poster, and the contestants have to come up with a response, and you could play it and win it again and again and again.

  236. I see these in much the same way you do..Is there anything more vacuous, fatuous, smug and irritating as these trite, hackneyed shibboleths?

  238. I kind of want to piss you off just so I could live rent free in your head for a bit. Not because I’m poor, but because I imagine it’d be quite the experience. Not too long of a stay though, maybe just a short lease. I’m not very good with my hands for repair work and I do have a lot of wall art to hang, so I can’t guarantee that I’ll leave it any better than I found it. Also, I have a dog who sheds . . . but she’s potty trained. I’ve lost track of where I was going with this.

  240. Just to pick some nits, in the middle of “difficulty” is either “ic”, “ficu”, “fficul” or “ifficult”, depending on how large you define “middle” to be. All of those are funny on their own (and I have my own definitions of each to prove it), but my personal favorite is “ficu”. I like to pronounce it as two words.

  243. Well I’m not seeing any problem with these quotes/images you’ve shared. It is up to the readers on how they understand it. But I guess, these are challenging and motivational as well! Keep it up, you have the guts! 🙂

  244. Adore you. And this: “BUT ITS FILLED WITH PEOPLE WHO HAPHAZARDLY USE PUNCTUATION AND SHOUT A LOT OMG DONT GO THERE I HAVE A HEADACHE ALREADY” … I may have snort-led.

  251. After more than a week’s holiday at home with the fam (aka “hell”iday) I was really looking forward to revisiting your website. At work, of course ! Pffft. You make me laugh out loud and almost lose my job at least once a week. Thanks ! (for the laughing part, not the losing job part)

  259. I was at work last week (I do marketing for a fashion company so no, it was not my own fault that I was on Pinterest at work) and I saw this one saying ” you have to pull an arrow backwards before you let it fly, so if life is pulling you backwards that means it is about to launch you into something great” or some such thing. I very calmly closed my lap top, pushed my chair back, walked out of my office, and down the hall where I locked myself in a bathroom stall and whisper screamed at the ceiling. BECAUSE A HUMAN LIFE IS EXACTLY LIKE AN ARROW, EXACTLY! So yeah, clearly I have some issues, but if I can drill down to what is really the bedrock of my point, thank you Jenny, for making fun of inspirational posters. It’s nice to feel that someone understands.

  260. The Rachel Zoe quote made me snort out loud. I so want that one in print with your comment. It so describes how I feel about most hipsters and the way they dress themselves.

  261. I LOVE THESE!!! Made me laugh out loud… and really annoy the boyfriend who is busy working away because I forced him to listen as I read them out… a lot more difficult when trying to explain the visual ones lol.

    Well done, more please!

    x

  262. Pinterest is a black hole of time suck. So glad you added your touch to the motivational stuff and put it here so it can suck my time 2x!!!!!! =D

  264. OM,,,,so funny….I was going to share the pic(on FB) with ur hilarious text but it wouldn’t save ur quote too..Oh well…This is funny…Maybe when I’m not tired I’ll figure out a way to share ur text too w/o messing up the pic too bad…

  265. I know that someone probably already said this but I just can’t read 264 comments to find out. And I know I’m now the A-hole Extraordinaire for pointing this out, but the punctuation in the door mat or whatever quote is actually correct. “It’s” is a conjunction of “it is” as in “it is never crowded”. “Its”, on the other hand, refers to possession.

    As someone who is just as irritated by grammatical errors as you, I feel it’s my duty to let you know about yours.

    But all of that aside, these are hilarious and I especially enjoyed the Google search term list. SOLID GOLD.

  266. I read this post earlier today, and came back online a couple hours later to see this quote in poster form on my friend’s facebook wall: “Think positive, & positive things will happen”…LIKE AIDS, ASSHOLE?

  267. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read this since the day you posted it. Like every time I open Facebook and get really tired of the inspirational quotes. Then I think WWTBD (that’s right — What would the bloggess do).. And then I reread this, and the world is right again.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading