Sometimes your friends totally get you. And that's occasionally a good thing. I'm not entirely sure in this case.

in Random Crap

And this is why I don’t like to use messages.  Or the phone.  Or the vacuum.

I’m the one in blue.

 

 

PS.  The cat is fine. My ego is bruised.  My phone is grounded.  My friends get me a little too well.  It’s disconcerting.  And awesome.

380 thoughts on “Sometimes your friends totally get you. And that's occasionally a good thing. I'm not entirely sure in this case.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. ROFL! I’m crying, I’m laughing so hard. sorry about your auto correct troubles, but thank you for posting them!

  11. How can you not sing dick in a box but with cooch in a closet? IT’S ONLY RIGHT. And these are the kinds of friends to have. “Honey, did I tell you Jenny sucked her vagina with the vacuum today?” “Huh. Did she like it?”

  15. oh man! how embarrassing- atleast it wasn’t something important you were discussing with someone important, like your editor, or the President! Imagine if you typed that to the president… lol

  18. Maile’s response is brilliant. “It’s like the girl version of dick in a box.”

    Made my day. Honestly Jenny you are the best and autocorrect is evil.

  19. When I saw the bit about hiking in the closet, I totally thought you had a TARDIS closet, in which, OF COURSE you could hike.

    Hope that the feline in this story is not too traumatized. Mine won’t get anywhere near the vacuum, so there’s no chance of them getting sucked up into it. However, this is a prime argument for NOT vacuuming, so I think you sortve win there.

    And I will totally give you my cell number so you can send me txt messages about cats getting sucked into vaginas… because it’d be a million times more awesome than the usual “so, what are you making for dinner” txt messages that I receive.

    P.S. I love you even if Autocorrect is trying to make you look bad!

  20. I HATE HATE HATE….autocorrect
    ….there are times I swear I change it…but the original version gets posted. Theres like an autocorrect psycho phantom in my phone.

  21. I can imagine you yelling at your phone and punching the letters with your thumb REALLY hard in aggravation. And that your friends are so nonplussed – because it’s you.

  23. LOL!!! Autocorrect drives me insane. I hate how anytime I try to write shit, it comes out shot. I say shit so often, shouldn’t my iphone be used to me by now?

  25. Laughed so hard. It’s ok – at least it was autocorrected. My sister thought that bathroom caulk was spelled and pronounced “cock” and kept asking the people of Walmart where she could buy “cock.” It ended well, clearly.

  29. Why can’t these awesome autocorrects happen to meee? (That turned into “needs” which is not a “cool” autocorrect mistake). Anyway, I love you, and love their responses. Submit to damnyouautocorrect.com.

  33. HAHAHAAHA. AWESOME. I too didn’t blink at the initial vagina claim. I’m just thought, “Hmm, she’ll explain that, I’m sure.” 😀

  34. I can see the new Dyson Commercial now. “Our Cyclone technology can make sounds like a vagina and can suck up cats.”

  35. You would think I would know by now that it’s dangerous to read your blog at work. I almost choked to death just now trying not to laugh hysterically.

  36. OMG! The response. It’s like a girl version of dick in a box! That’s amazing … I have serious giggles now.
    You know we love you when we are all picturing you hiking in your closet with a noisy vagina and it fills our hearts with joy. Confusion yes, but mostly joy.

    *squishy hugs*

  37. Bwahaha! Keep an eye on the cats’ tail base the next few days though. I’ve witnessed pulling injuries and sometimes damage to the nerve/blood supply can’t be seen for a few days. ‘Noise of the vagina’ — I’m going to try my damnedest to work this into conversations somehow.

  38. That is amazing! Also your phone is an asshole my phone once insisted I wanted to say porn instead of poem it was an interesting conversation with my friend. ” I have to read boring ass porn for my romantic age class” he responded with some pun on Librtal Arts education. Thank you for. Giving me a good belly laugh for the day

  45. I LOL’d so hard, I choked on my own saliva. Auto Corrected texts get me every time!

  47. you just made my day. thank you, so. so. much. I thought I was the only one out there with a vagina auto correct debacle!

  49. Damn Vagina’s… always getting in the way. Worse part is that it sounds like your Auto-correct is learning from you and trying to anticipate the conversation. lol

  51. This conversation is made of awesome and Laura’s response illustrates why we all love you so much.

  52. I was on the phone for a meeting that didn’t really need to include me. But still, it wouldn’t have helped my career to laugh into the phone.

    I nearly had an aneurysm trying to suppress the laughter.

    Loved it.

  53. Your vagina is like one of those people you see doing pull-ups on the subway or sitting on exercise balls in their offices–it still finds ways to exercise even in very confined spaces.

  54. Bwaahahahaha. Obviously autocorrect knows you use vagina more than you use vacuum. Since both words begin with a V and both suck, you could try using “hoover” as a verb for one or the other to outwit autocorrect.

  56. rotflmao!! why arent my autocorrects ever that funny? this made my day though, thank you for the laughs! and @william who mentioned picturing the Dyson commercial, that made me laugh almost as much as the blog post itself!

  58. Sometimes I use the “talk to text” feature…and it thinks I say all sorts of horribly wrong things. My sister did it last night and texted me about her whole family having the sex (having been sick). It was bad.

  59. having just had surgery in my vagina – I should not have read that because I laughed so hard it hurt my incisions!!!

  60. My day is now complete! It sucked until I read this. Now I’m giggling as I wander around my store imaging vacuums and kittys… and I have this urge to go read your book for the 44th time! <3 you!!! Thank you for keeping it real!

  62. My friends continually link to autocorrects and say things like “OMG this was sooooooooo funny I’m still laughing! ROFL LOL ROFLMAFOWTFBBQ!!!1!!”

    So I go, and read, and think “eh. My friends need more discerning senses of humor.”

    This, however, made me snort, loudly, then clamp down so my boss didn’t yell.

    Well done, Bloggess and friends. Well done.

  64. OMG I just laughed so hard I’m literally crying. Thanks bloggess I needed that today!

  68. AutoCorrect doesn’t just fix typos – it predicts words based on previous behavior. i.e. you text “vagina” a lot.

  70. Vacuum or vagina…its all good either way. The hiking thing is disturbing. I’m always leery of exercise, lol.

  73. I couldn’t help thinking NARNIA!!!!! have fun defeating the white witch! Try using your noisy vagina-powers on her…

  74. Let’s face it, Laura was right. I didn’t blink either. It was more like “oh, so today’s blog is going to be TMI,”

  76. You have no idea how much I needed to read something like this. Thank you for sharing.

  80. Jenny, I am SCREAMING LAUGHING over this!!! So much so that my 8 year-old came running over to see what was the matter. She stared at the screen for a minute (I was laughing to hard to close it down), turned to me and said, “Who sucks a *cat* up into their vagina? I mean … do you REALLY need to know your cat *that* well??”

    She is WAY too me … and already a fan of your blog.
    (In edited age-appropriate snippets, of course.)

    A few days ago, i was trying to tell my friends that I didn’t have anything appropriate for vegans to eat in my house and were looking for menu ideas. Of course, Autocorrect changed “vegans” to “vaginas”. So my friend, who spent a puzzled moment or two wondering why I was looking for menu ideas to feed a hungry lady-garden, finally figures out what I was trying to say and responds back, “Well, my husband and I are *mostly* vaginas.”

    LOL …

    So yeah … I feel your pain on this one. iPhones are sluts.

  82. Phone grounded? Whatev. Give it a high five. Just laughed until I cried. Now to wipe mascara off my cheeks and get back to work. Right after I forward to anyone who doesn’t already follow you…

  83. I’m pretty sure the vagina noise will make him disappear in the future. 😉
    Glad he’s ok and thank you so much for sharing the bad behavior of your phone with us. 😀

  84. I’ve never snorted milk out of my nose. Mostly because nothing funny ever seems to happen when I drink milk. I am going to have a glass of milk and reread the vagina incident when I get home just so I can finally experience the milk-snort thing.

  85. Oh. My. Goodness. I just Snorted uncontrollably.

    Even better. Mel has had Human Growth and Development for the past week. She got in the car today and said “So, today was all about the Wonderful World of Vaginas.” It’s like you’re part of the Health Teacher’s Syllabus.

  87. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t autocorrect at all. I think your fingers are just USED to typing VAGINA waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy more than they ever type vacuum.

  88. Your friend is right, that was like the female version of “Dick in a box”

    Aweeesome. My phone has yet to autocorrect me something awesome like Vagina instead of vacuum. One can hope though…

  90. HAHAHAHAHAHA I love you. And your noisy vagina. I wish I could hike in my closet. Sadly it is barely big enough for some clothes, shoes, and dirt.

  91. This is like some kind of R rated version of “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”. :0O

  92. I hate it when my cat gets stuck in my vagina. This really cheered me up, thanks for that.

  93. THIS IS WHAT I’M DOING WRONG! My friends are like, I don’t have to read your blog…I KNOW YOU IN REAL LIFE! I’m reversed. In real life I would photoshop my cat in a vagina and send it to them with an SOS! I have been doing this blog thing backwards. I laughed really, really hard and thinking I want a book deal if you can go hiking in your closet. 😉

  98. That’s pretty awesome. Made me laugh a lot. Great visual.

    I do hate autocorrect – it has started to make words that are real words into gibberish because I can’t type well on that stupid iphone keyboard.

  103. Absolutely fabulous! I wish my friends got me like that. Or that my phone got me like that. But it doesn’t because it’s not my friend. VAGINA! It’s not vacuum – it’s VAGINA! Suck it up, spit it out… yep, I think your phone & your friend knew exactly what you were talking about. But sorry about the cat. Never ever have your cat stuck in your vagina. I think that’d be ludicrous to watch – scratching yourself because of the fur and all. Ah – you made my day! Again!! Now I want to vagina, ehm, vacuum…

  104. There’s a “pussy” joke to be made in all this.

    I mean, not be me. Because I am a lady. But by someone.

  107. Me and my roommate are the same way. Only usually we text each other the same thing at the same time. It’s a little creepy. Sometimes I think we are twins that were separated at birth. Other times I think we need to spend more time apart. Haha.

  109. I love this. I laughed so hard my kids looked at me weird. Although that’s not all that different from every other day.

  113. Ok, I share an office! He thinks I am nuts already and now its worse. I can’t tell HIM whay I am ROFL and tears are running down my face!

  118. The amazing part about friends is not that they know how fucked up we are; it’s that they love us anyway.

  122. OMG, this is by far the best auto correct I have ever seen, that is AWESOME!!!! You rock Jenny!

  125. I once sucked my roommate’s sock up in a vacuum. I didn’t tell her. Then she set fire to my poster. She says it was an accident, but it might’ve been retribution for the sock. Probably because she had a tiny spy came in our dorm room, watching me. All the time. Or, you know, it was really an accident. They both seem likely.

  126. Awesome. Also, go read the rest of your messages! Holy shit, woman! I’m assuming there’s only a 1 in front of that “75”, but being you, who the hell knows?

  130. Explaining to my wife why I am helplessly cackling is going to be very difficult. Fortunately I have the blog and the book as backup. Even so, this is going to be a good day.

  131. That’s great. The sad thing is, my friends are the same way with me. Sometimes, when I text my boyfriend and mess up, he just goes with it assuming it to be what I meant.

  132. How many people had a friend send them this post with a note that said “Look, it’s us!”? Because I’m positive that I’m not the only one.

  134. Is a hiking vagina anything like a waltzing Matilda? Great, now that’ll be in my head the rest of the day. The song. Not the vagina.

    Nevermind.

  136. This makes me glad I don’t have an iPhone. It’s bad enough when I typo and send something weird to my husband. I don’t need Autocorrect making things even more embarrassing than usual.

  137. I’m too afraid of being embarrassed by my phone so I turned off auto-correct and predictive text features…and I have to re-read my text messages twice before sending them. When I DO get snarky, by the time I send the message, it’s no longer funny. If I happen to ‘voice dictate’ a text message, I get shit like this. NOOOOOO…

  139. Awesome! My phone hates me and sabotages me on a weekly basis. It seriously makes up new words just to make me seem stupid. Words that I have never typed, ever. It appears yours may be the same. Wink!

  141. There is not a thing about this post that isnt awesome. My co-workers are staring at me because I am laughing like a mad man.

  142. Sent a link to this post to a friend. Her reply, “If you told me Cindy [my dog] got sucked up in your vagina, I might not question it either. You’d have to actually TELL me to call 911 or the vet.”

  144. Good lord, I’m sitting at my kid’s gymnastics crying from laughing. I hope you send this to damnyouautocorrect and show them how it’s done.

  145. Holy crap! I really needed the laugh today. That lying bastartd depression has my little girl in it’s clutches pretty bad right now. Thanks for helping me today.

  146. I love this post..It has made my whole week. Thank you for sharing and making us all laugh. Sometimes I would love to be a fly on your wall just with the things you say on your blog. 🙂

  147. OMG! You should TOTALLY put that conversation into Gizoogle and see what comes out!
    I.Love. You!

  148. I don’t know if you have an iPhone, but if not we all need to chip in and get you and Siri together!

    BTW, my tweeted sequel to Executive Severance begins on Monday, 9 AM at @Twitstery. You, your cat AND your vacuum/vagina are welcome!

  149. Oh, the tears are just streaming down my face. Thank you for a great laugh – I needed that.

  150. Best autocorrect ever. I’m almost certain that autocorrect corrects words you never use to words that you use all the time. I’m not entirely sure though since I turned it off so I wouldn’t have a moment like that.

  151. Oh, my gosh. I just spit coffee out my nose and my boss is looking at me like I’ve lost my mind. I just waved vaguely at the screen and mumbled something about an invoice while surreptitiously wiping coffee off my monitor. Thank you for making my day.

  154. I am dying of LOL here at work.

    Also, 75 unread messages?! My OCD would be flipping out! In fact, my OCD is flipping out for you! Read those messages. 🙂

  155. The only way it would be better is if the cat was in on the group text message and chimed in with, “Don’t believe her. It wasn’t an autocorrect. It really was her vagina.”

  158. “Siri” does not get my southern accent AT ALL. I tried to text my daughter yesterday and was trying to use the word “riot”. Siri interpretted it as “ride” and then “Wyatt” when I tried to send a text to correct the text. Then when my daughter said “Huh?” and I tried to just spell it out and Siri came up with “Rolyat” and I don’t even know what that word MEANS.

  160. Urban dictionary has this for Rolyat: Noun. A situation in which a being (male or female, most commonly a mammal) engages in sexual activity with an entire football team simultaneously.

    That’s nice.

  167. My son got in trouble at school for telling a kid he has a vagina over Instagram. He should have used the auto correct defense……

  169. I once sucked my kid’s face up in the vacuum, totally by accident…because what kind of crazy mother does that on purpose. Now I think it was probably payback for him getting stuck in my vagina at birth.

  173. “Noise of the vagina” sounds like the title of a really bad modern art installation.

    Also, this is why I don’t have autocorrect on my phone. Then it corrects all of my swear words into other things. Much easier and faster just to type out the damn word.

  176. I’m more concerned that you have 75 messages that you haven’t read… that’s a lot. Get your cat out of your vagina and check your damn messages! 😉

  177. Pavlovian conditioning to the sounds of a noisy vagina. That might be another internet first.

  179. OMG….I am so glad I am the only one in the building. Though, it might be weirder that I am laughing so hard I am crying and no one is around.
    Wait. Nope. I was wrong. The maintenance man is running his VAGINA as I type!!!!

  183. I hope to use “going to go hike in the closet” in a sentence today. Can’t use the vagina material…being that I have the penis thingy.

  184. Go to ‘settings – general – keyboards – autocorrect’ and select OFF
    But honestly, where’s the fun in doing that? Lol
    I totally love autocorrect – SO MUCH FUN!!!!

  185. I love how she started with shut up, like this is something you text her with everyday. Hysterical. As usual.

  186. I am so glad school’s over and my students are dismissed; I’m crying with laughter. At first… I didn’t get that that’s not what you wanted to say.

  187. I love this so much my side hurts!! Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in way too long.

  188. Sweet jeezus this was perfection.

    I didn’t bat an eyelash at taking a hike in the closet — that seemed like a perfectly composed response to autocorrect.

  189. I have GOT to stop reading your blog at work. I think I may have given myself a hernia by unsuccessfully trying not to laugh out loud.

    PS – Not only did I fail at not laughing out loud, the strain of trying not to caused me to snort so loud my coworkers all thought I was having some sort of fit.

  193. Dear bloggers do not be embarrassed my new Kindle Fire tablet is constantly autocorrecting words that do not need to be corrected.

    I am a close friend of Heather Greywolf. Awhile back around late September Heather and I had been talking via text. We eventually said good night and went to bed. About a half hour later my phone goes off and I have another text from Heather. I open it and it simply says,”I love you and miss you” Heather and I had not yet met in person,so I found her text a bit odd and I tested her back saying “Um Ok” she tested me back asking what my text was about. I forwarded the text to her that I had received moments earlier; the one saying I love you and miss you” Heather SWEARS that she did not tell t that to me. Apparently her independent of her took it upon itself to text me and flirt with me.

    A few days ago I texted her and asked why she had not texted me back. Apparently without my realizing my tablet turned the word text into test criminal.Needless to say Heather was confused as to why I wanted her to test criminal me back.

    Today the woman who styles my hair commented on my profile picture and told me how good my hair looked. I thanked her but explained that to get my hair looking the way that it did in the photo took an hour of work and a ton of hair spray. My tablet turned hair spray into Shakespeare!!

    Last night as my Facebook status I put that I was going to go soak in a hot tub. My tablet turned tub into Turbine LOL so my status read,”I am going to go soak in a hot turbine.”

    The best one from last week was that on my Facebook status I put that I was going to go teach my Sunday school class (I abbreviated it CCD) it turned CCD into XXX. My status then read that I was going to teach my XXX class LMAO!!!!

  196. OMG I wish there was a LIKE button for some of these comments! And you should put that on DamnYouAutocorrect.com – hilarious!

  197. I’m picturing you vagina hiking in the closet now….

    …..

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    And this is why I proof read everything 5 times before I send it….and I still eff it up somehow.

  198. ohmygosh this is too funny! I just laughed SO HARD! Just what I needed at the end of the day! Thanks for sharing Jenny 🙂

  199. This is hilarious, and this is why I have the autocorrect off.
    But now I wondering all the fun I’m missing, maybe it could be a test to see if my friends know me so well as yours.

  201. Greatness.

    And oh so glad I’m not the only one whose phone is out to get them. Mine is convinced it’s a Brit. And I’m in Texas.

  203. I want to be in your texting club.

    Jenny, Jenny, give me your number…Wait…is it 867-5309? Because then you could legitimately hand out business cards that said, “For a good time, call!”

  204. I’m reading this while having dinner at a local bar (like many of your readers I also drink a lot.) I’m doing that “clenched teeth trying not to laugh outloud, but tears are running dowm my cheeks” thing. But then I started reading the comments and some of your readers are almost as funny as you. So now I’m laughing outloud at my ipad and the people around me are changing seats. Awesome!

  205. My poor asmatic daughter cannot breath now…perhaps she should not read your blog…seeing that she is 12! Funniest thing EVER!

  206. This may sound horrible, but my family makes it a point to use the words vagina and rectum on a daily basis. Sometimes in the same sentence if your good!

  207. I’m sorry, but I find it funny that you vacuumed up your cat’s tail. I bet both of you looked surprised.

  209. Fantastic. Autocorrect is glorious.

    Let’s talk more about your vagina and it’s cat attracting powers. Or should I say pussy attracting powers?

  210. Wasn’t your intro music “My Vagina is 8 Miles Wide” at some conference talk you gave a while back? I mean, I can see how they wouldn’t bat an eye! The image is out there! Just didn’t know it was noisy, too, but that’s not a huge leap!

  211. OH MY GOD!!! How is it possible that you’ve outdone yourself. This is hilarious!!!

  215. I mean really, it was only a matter of time until the cat got sucked up in your noisy vagina. Why were you surprised?

    On another note, does YOUR closet lead to Narnia TOO??

  216. We all have those days where the vagina is just really noisy and is like a black hole sucking up everything. Good luck on that hike though. Sounds exhausting.

  218. OMG!!! I damn near got the hiccups from laughing so hard! My four year old was asking me, “What’s so funny mama?” It’s horrible when you can’t tell your four year old daughter that a woman was accidentally sucking her cat up with a vacuum. LMAO!!!

  220. I laughed so hard. What with the sucking a cat up your vagina and hiking in the closet. I don’t text, and sometimes I feel like I’m really missing out.

  221. I love you. Your auto-correct is so much better than mine.
    Thank-you for making me laugh on one of those days where everything makes me cry.
    🙂

  222. Okay, that is the best autocorrect nightmare I have seen. My first thought was, “Her vagina is big enough to suck up a cat? Why isn’t she working in the porn industry?” Then I remembered that you do work in the porn industry, clown porn that is, and it all made sense.

    This is an instance of “making sense” being scary.

  223. SO. FLIPPING.AWESOME. You can’t even begin to imagine how much I needed that whole body laugh! And I never questioned your text either.. thanks girl!

  224. I love your friends. My phone likes to call my friends “Chicago”. And Siri, well she needs to learn that ‘no means no’, so that when she gets my text dictation wrong she doesn’t send it anyway.

  226. Its amazing how many people read blogs at work….. I do too and the boss just asked me why I was laughing at my computer! I finally (to think I didnt know about amazon and that they ship to every country including Singapore!) got your book and am reading (no not at work) it every night before I go to bed. I thought I was too old for hero worship but…….

  229. At least your autocorrect has a sense of humor. On my silly android phone, the AC was not only stupid, but a total prude. It kept changing ‘Fuck’ to ‘Duck’ – which was OK if I was mad at someone, but not so okay if sexting. (shut up, don’t ask). It also insisted I didn’t know how to spell my friend’s names, even common names, and kept changing MY name to “Demise” (wrong, that is just so wrong, totally depressing).

    After trying both AC programs (one, apparently from google that pulled it’s dictionary from my contact list, and the other the android ac program), I turned AC off and started using the voice input. At least when it messes up, it gets phoenetically close to what I meant, so other folks understand me.

  230. Thanks to you my computer monitor gets cleaned on a regular basis. I really should know better than to take a sip (ok slug) of wine before I click one of your links.

  231. People who cannot identify with your posts are in some serious denial and are in need of a kick in the vag! just sayin

  236. Oh a good chuckle was had at your expense! Thanks for sharing your noisy vagina story. “The girl version of dick in a box”…priceless.

  237. Laughing so hard I’m crying and the dogs came to see if I was ok. I particularly like Laura’s final response. “…Didn’t even blink honestly…” I am sharing this with EVERYONE I know.

  239. In my happy place, Jenny and her noisy vagina are still hiking in the closet, singing “fal-da-REE, fal-da-RAH… ”

    And Victor just sits on the couch, head in his hands, wondering how this all came to pass.

  241. obviously you’ve trained your phone to use “vagina” in place of any other “v” word. i suggest from now on, you use “vacuum” as a replacement for “vagina.” in fact, i’m going to start doing that myself. right now. of course, since my vacuum cleaner is currently broken, this might lead to some confusion. or maybe it won’t.

  242. Trying not to laugh because my daughter is sleeping in the next room all I ended up doing was crying and coughing really hard. How can I get this posted to my facebook? I have a few friends that need to see that text fuck up!

  243. And there is the conversation with my soon to be sister in law. We were talking through Facebook
    I was on my tablet. She mentioned that she was thinking about becoming a vegan,trying the vegan lifestyle (due to her food allergies). I wrote her back and told her that I would be a vegan with her and that I should be a vegan like her. There was only one problem with this conversation………..my tablet (which I JUST received as a gift so I am still figuring it out) autocorrected the word vegan to vagina. My poor soon to be sister in law thought I was insulting her until I wrote her back as fast as I could type explaining the auto- correct error then she thought it was funny.

  245. Paraphrased the story to my mom, and pointed out the beauty of having a crappy phone…no autocorrect.

    She pointed out that I’d have to use the VACUUM first.

  246. Please submit this to Damn You Autocorrect, this is one of the best autocorrect fails I’ve ever seen! But to be fair, things can get sucked up and lost in vaginas.

  247. This is what friends are for.
    And they remind me of me. A little bit. In the sense that they don’t doubt me when I say something completely absurd. Blessing?

  248. I am so not allowed to read this blog at work. Have shared it with my most inappropriate friends. So they can not read it at work, too.

  257. This in only extremely tangently related, but recently my co-workers and I have seen a commercial airing during our lunch break regarding suing the makers of the Mirena IUD because they can “migrate” out of the uterus. They use a stock photo of a woman sitting on a grassy field looking dejectedly into her crotchal area: we’ve decided that she’s trying to determine the migration path.

  260. My iPhone is so damn uptight and boring! I was so proud when it changed ‘fuck yeah!’ to ‘dick usage!’ I wept…although it did lead me to wonder what kind of conversations the previous owner used to have via text……..

  261. I really should not read your blog while sick. I just had a 30 minute coughing fit after laughing until I almost puked!

  263. Oh, I so needed that laugh tonight. Thank you.
    Now I’m starting to imagine slightly more adult (?) Narnian treks…

  267. Completely unsurprised by your post. Which worries me as much for me as for you!

    Also. I wish I could like the comments – so many witty folks up there!

  269. My vagina is noisy too! Don’t be ashamed Jenny. It’s HIDING Vagina Noisiness that keeps America from talking about it, and therefore understanding it. My name is Julie, and I’m living with a Noisy Vagina.

  270. Thanks to Autocorrect I once told my sister to slap some ointment on that VAG and call it good. I was supposed to tell her to slap some ointment on that CAT and call it good. Why is autocorrect obsessed with lady parts? Something tells me that a man is responsible for this.

  271. I burst out laughing in my college library … got a lot of looks from the other students, and the librarian came over. I showed her your blog … she just shook her head and asked me to keep it down. Which of course made me snicker more.

    I LOVE your blog!!

  272. I have to say that I agree with your friend. I didn’t even think twice when it said vagina. I just thought “That sounds about right”. And I figured your vagina would be noisy. Makes sense.

  275. What an awesome superpower that would be…you could just walk around sucking up everything in your way with your super strong Vag! And it never loses its suction…like the dyson? That would rule.

  281. Autocorrect changed my text of ‘go wash your mouth out with soap’ to ‘go wash your mammoth out with dorsal.’

    I liked it better so I kept it that way.

    Confusion ensued.

  282. Yeah, I mean…we’ve kinda grown to expect something like vagina hiking in the closet from you by now, honesly. And with a a stuffed furry woodland creature dressed in a lumberjack costume.

  284. Awesome. It’s like the Vagina Monlogues all over again! My recent autocorrect fun, written to my husband. Was suppposed to be: “I’m am kidding you, beast.” Turned it into, “I’m offing you, beatnik.”

  285. Oh my god, I am so trying not to laugh my ass off at work!! There are tears in my eyes!

  290. Sitting at my desk laughing, tears streaming down my face. Co-workers all staring at me. Happily it’s Friday so they know I am fucking around on the Internet and not just losing my mind. Or. Well. No more than usual.

  293. OK, so laughter releases endorphins (feel good chemicals in the brain) and I am now in a major “feel good” state. Every time I have flash backs to the cat/vacuum thing it starts all over again. Have a good day!

  294. My phone has kindly asked my husband on more than one occasion to pick up some tater tits… sure phone, tits is in your dictionary but not tots. Balls!

  296. Oh. What? Yeah, Yeah. Still have the image of the taxidermed/taxidermied (whatever) stuff from your childhood. We don’t get much of that in NY. I had a dream with a lot of blood in it. You are not welcome.

  302. you know ya’ll need to make a song a la ‘dick in the box’ about this now, right? That’ll go viral on the internet like you wouldn’t believe.

  303. My autocorrect never does anything even remotely amusing. It only convinces people that English is my second language.

  304. Next time that sad Sarah McLachlan animal rescue commercial comes on, we’ll see a picture of a cat with a sign saying “Was sucked up into his owner’s vagina after a game of vagina chicken.” Cue the sorrowful music.

  306. Since I am sitting here with a none identified vagina infection that my husband blames on a cat hair as he is looking at it with a flashlight, I feel your pain. Hate autocorrect in 2 languages.

  308. My autocorrect said that we were seeing the Christmas lights at “Saliva” Shoals Park. Not Saluda Shoals Park. On Facebook. All my friends saw it.

    I hate that thing.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  309. I thought I was having a bad day… you win!

    Just finished your book. It was the best read I have had in awhile. Even my cat’s vagina is happy

  310. I would say something like, “You can’t make that shit up,” but then when it really happens and you realize that LIFE just made that happen, it gets eerie.

  311. The girl version of dick in a box. Love it!! Honestly, I think it’s awesome to have friends who get you like that. I have one who gets me like that and it’s a riot when we get together. 🙂

  312. Loved this! Really just loved it! Simply stated, I LOVED THIS POST!

    Autocorrect posts are the best, especially from actual funny people.

    JR

  314. Hilarious even the second time!!!! Maybe I shouldn’t read while working the front desk at work cause it now looks like I am crying….

  315. Don’t feel bad about the cat. Mine once set his tail on fire by sticking it in a candle. …okay, really, he just singed it a little and got melted wax all over it. But really, who’d have thought he would be anything other than terrified of the mysterious heat producing thing?

  316. OMG. Someone suggested that “vagina vacuum”would have such better results now. Sadly, this isn’t true. Yet at least. Didn’t know that Amazon.com sells a “Pretty Pink Women’s Vaginal Personal Vacuum…” of some kind. I know not WHAT kind since I didn’t expand the link in my google search results, due to the horrible image the title alone conjured up. Is it a toy?? Or a torture device?? If its a torture device, why THE FUCK is it PINK?!?!!

    I shudder to think what dreams I’ll have tonight. Thanks for the laugh though!!!

  317. This seriously made my day two days in a row. My boyfriend and I thought it was awesome.
    Sorry about the cat. Mine run for the hills every time I bring out my vacuum, so they haven’t experienced that yet.

  318. Frankly, you didn’t need to clarify that you’re the blue one. I think we would have figured it out. XD

    This is why we love you, though.

  319. I still come up to this page to get a giggle.. But I just love Chookooloonks answer right off the bat, I mean she knows this can only get worse .. LMAO

  322. I texted my best friend a couple months ago that her best friend was going to kick my a$$ in fantasy football that week. My phone autocorrected it to say he was going to LICK my a$$!!! I think yours is much better though!

  323. At least you were among friends. You don’t know the terror of autocorrect until Siri decides it would be funny to send “penis” to your boss.

    We need more pens in the office.

    WHY IS PENIS MORE COMMONLY USED THAN PENS, AUTOCORRECT?! AUTOCORRECT, YOU’RE A WHORE.

  324. OMG that totally happened to me too!!!!

    Oh wait…….autocorrect………….ummmm, yeah thats what I meant.

  326. I really wish your blog had the Facebook option to “like” your posts! I giggled so hard when I read that that my stitches popped!

  327. My husband just apologized for getting to this post before I did. You are amazing! Though I think if I go to your next book signing without him there my be issues. xoxo.

  328. I love reading things like this on your blog and then reading all of the comments and realizing I’m not warped…there are people out there with the same sense of humor as me. Thank you, thank you 🙂

  329. Oh my gosh, thank you, thank you, thank you! I just laughed harder than I have in ages…you made my day! I am sorry that your phone betrayed you…but it did make me laugh so hard that I had tears running down my face. I really need it today, too!

  330. MSdarkstar: your cat avoids the vacuum (sorry vagina). But mine has no tail!!! So her tail can’t get sucked up in the vacuum (sorry, vagina).

    I laughed until I cried. Thank you so much. Laughter is good for the soul (sorry, soil).

    How come my autocorrect never does things like this. . .?

  331. The problem is your phone knows what you are thinking, not what you are typing.

    The world is at serious risk.

    And we have ring-side tickets.

    I love technology.

  332. After I belly laughed out loud my husband came in to see what was so funny. And then he said it – “So, she has a pussy in her vagina?”

  335. Haha, so I was watching Campion and when I looked up the quote “wild weasels in the wood and whack ’em and whack ’em and whack ’em” the first search result was Wind in the Willows, (thank goodness – if I lose my faith in Google, what’s next?!) and the second was your blog. You are clearly a big name in The Cloud(tm) where weasels are concerned. Go, Juanita, go!

  336. Today’s lesson: reading The Bloggess 5 days after abdominal surgery is too soon…laughing hurts like a sunuhvabitch. Must abstain a few days more…

  337. Man, your vagina *really* loves pussy! You shouldn’t stay in the closet on matters like that, no matter how good the hiking is. 😉

  338. It really gives a new meaning to vagina packed. Does that relate to tampons? And how does it work for storage. Maybe while hiking through the closet, you can investigate this with your pussy.

    OMG I can’t believe that I just wrote that!

  341. omg, i can’t believe there is funny that only a select few get via text. now my mind wonders on all that is being left out of this blog.

    harumph.

    off to hike in my closet now.

  342. I think it’s hilarious that Laura didn’t even think it was unusual! I hate trying to talk to Siri for her to type my texts. I was trying to say Jud, my friend’s husband’s name, and Siri kept typing Jared, Judge, and Jagged. Then I tried to spell it and she typed J You DD. So I tried to get her to type “no matter how clearly I say your husband’s name” and she typed “no matter how clearly Eisai your husband’s name”. Seriously? She can’t get Jud, but she comes up with the name EISAI??????

  344. Ok. I am suffering from a serious bout of depression accompanied by its vile companion, insomnia. Or maybe the insomnia is the precursor and depression is the companion. Either way, I was going to sit down and write something that no one else would ever read that was angsty enough that no one over the age of fifteen should write it. Then, I thought, “Hey, stop and check out The Bloggess!” Thank you, thank you, thank you! You, your cat and your noisy vagina were far more helpful than my emo blogging. 🙂 I know you hear it all the time, but I just have to say again, thanks for reminding me that I am not alone in my mental illness, even when I am alone in the crazy world in my head.

  345. I love seeing these things on damnyouautocorrect.

    Strangely, I didn’t bat an eyelid either, and wondered when Beyonce was going to join the party… 🙂

  346. That is pretty epic. Or rude of your phone. Depending on how you look at it. I mean, it did tell your friends that your vagina is loud. That’s not any business of theirs unless they’re there, and you can no longer blame the humming on the cat being addicted to show tunes.

  348. Honestly, whenever I feel the depression creeping in, I just need to come to your blog and I am instantly laughing and forgetting the darkness. I do find myself opening the closet doors in the house hoping to see a hiking trail, but alas I find that my house is not equipped.

  349. Maybe you should have a protection grill to cover your V. If a cat can be sucked in, anything else can. Do not underestimate the force of your V; should you loose control of your V. your carpeting would follow pets. Then the furniture, your house. Texas. The North American Continent. And eventually me too, even if I live at some 10.000 miles away. I would have no time to shave, eat my breakfast. And even if I would love to meet with you and talk a little, I would take less the a second to vanish in your V. followed by the entire planet. They don’t call that stuff “black hole” for nothing. Think about that: be smart. Protect your loved ones and the country you live by covering your V. inlet with a grill.

  350. Mwahaha! This is still the best place to come when I’m having a bad day, because I always leave feeling better. 😛

    Also, when you said “hiking in the closet,” I totally got a mental image of you with your hair back in a braid, wearing a forest service hat, kakhi outfit, and a walking stick, heading off to the closet for a lovely hike. It would be an awesome prank.,

  354. I think or would be really handy to have a vagina that vacuumed, because then you’d be cleaning all the time without even making an effort. Of course, then you’d have to worry about how to empty the vagina, but it’s bagless so it might not be too bad.

  355. As the last person I know to get an iPhone, I keep thinking I should turn Autocorrect off, but I haven’t because it makes me laugh too hard. My favorite was when my friend and I discussed the pros and cons of getting drunk the night before having bloodworm done. (bloodworK)

  356. OH, wow. This just made my night. Honestly – I don’t think anything could fix a weekend of overtime work, sick kids and a cough that’s giving me a headache more than hearing about your cat, vagina, and hike into the closet. I’ll sleep well tonight.

    Thank you.

  358. And sometimes it is a flat out typo, like the time I sent my BFF (fortunately) a message about not being able to see my phone screen because I need glasses. I meant to write “I can’t see shit.” Message I sent – “I can’t shit” She still has it on her phone, I assume to blackmail me in the future.

  362. I read this out loud to my boss (I cried while reading it because I was laughing so hard) and he said, “It sounds more like pussy in a pussy! How long was his tail?” Needless to say, I almost choked on my cough drop at this point! I freaking love your blog!

  367. Just a thought, could Victor have reprogrammed the autocorrect in your phone to mess with you? Apparently, this is something husbands do and find incredibly funny, according to mine.

  368. OMFG I’m dying. I have a horrible chest cold, and I’m laughing so hard that I’m now coughing up a lung.
    Thanks!

  369. ohh myy god this is so funny!! hahahah I was like how did the cat end up on her vagina?? lol hhahahahaha that’s totally embarassing! Im glad you shared this one 🙂

  372. a real conversation between 2 of your fans:

    me: ok
    on the 1 month anniversary of her birthday (right?) i’m going shopping
    Crystal: that would be yesterday
    me: oh fuck
    Crystal: ahahaaha
    me: i thought it was the 18th
    dammit
    are you sure?
    Crystal: Its the day she came out of my vagina. Sheri. Yes, I’m sure.

  375. Holy crap. I’m lying in bed catching up on your misadventures and trying to laugh silently since RJ is asleep, but laughing silently makes the bed shake which is almost as bad as laughing out loud at 3am. So now there are silent laughter tears running down my face. Brilliantly brilliant once again Jenny.

  377. When I first got my smartphone, I was trying to demonstrate the “Swype” feature it has, to my dad. I pretended to send a text to one of my friends, asking her if she was going to come indoor rock climbing with me and some of my other friends. The autocorrect decided “climax” was what I REALLY meant to say. “Are you going to come climax with us tonight?” Luckily my dad didn’t see it… I told my friend about it and she though it was hilarious.

  379. Victor must love the multi purpose vagina! Does it slice and dice, too? I’m mildly jealous, my autocorrect errors- “oh my spelunking’s getting bad tonight”, and, “I’m on vagina medicine for headaches ( angina)— it’s the big one, Elizabeth!” pale in comparison! I tip my hat and hike in the closet!

  380. Okay, I am terribly late to this one…….but just can’t resist adding to the hilarity. 1) It’s the Vagina Monologues: The Workout!! 2) Now we know what Jenny’s REAL “Shit I Did When I Wasn’t Here” involves 3) Come to think of it, if I got a cat stuck in MY vagina it’d probably be pretty noisy as well 4) Noisy Vagina sounds like the name of Courtney Love’s next band 5) If a cat and a vagina get into a fight, no matter what happens the pussy will win. Or lose. Depending on your perspective..

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading