Ah, family.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

Sometimes I think Facebook just exists for my sister and I to help explain our family to the rest of the world:

***********

And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • “I’M GOOD AT STUFF” mug.  It’s like a mug for “World’s Greatest Grampa, but you don’t have to be a grampa.  Plus, it will subliminally make you seem sexier and more competent when you hold it.

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the talented Elisabeth Staab, author.  Book two of her Chronicles of Yavn – Prince of Power – is half urban fantasy and half romance with giant handfuls of wizards and vampires thrown in for good measure.  Find it.

111 thoughts on “Ah, family.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. I love your family because you make my crazy family look semi-normal. Although we have had to clarify comments on Facebook too. Maybe we are crazier than I think. Hmmmm. 🙂

  4. Totally 100% thought you meant mount in the sexual way. I am not your friend nor your sisters friend on facebook, but I am a loyal reader/stalker of your blog, so probably a given that I, like everyone reading/commenting here, is of course weird. Which I take to be a positive attribute. 🙂

  6. Given your interest in odd taxidermy, I feel that suggesting your father mount the giraffe head may have been a slightly self serving move. You know you want it. Busted. 😉

  8. So I’m looking at this and my youngest daughter says “Look, she’s happy she has a giraffe”.

    I read your book at work. Laughed so hard at inappropriate times that I had to stop bring it to work with me. So I got the whole mounted thing. 🙂

  9. I love that she saved that giraffe. Damn Toy Story for making toys have feelings! UGH! I swear that was a huge conspiracy by Mattel. Whatever, now I’m mad.

  13. THAT was awesome! 🙂

    And special kids (messed up legs and visible stuffing) need love, too. I have a herd of special kids. Drives the hubs nuts, but oh, well.

  15. Well, actually I am glad for the clarification. Not because the sexually mounting a stuffed giraffe fazed me so much as “Wtf? He has to behead it first? That is kind of fucked up.”. 😉 lol!

  16. Wait a minute. Jenny, is your maiden name Dusek? My very best friend in the world is a Dusek from Texas. I’ve never met anyone else with that surname — how very cool it would be if two such awesome women turned out to be related. 🙂

  17. I’m pretty sure one of the main functions of facebook is to show the one’s world of acquaintances just how weird one’s family is.

  18. There are way too many abandoned giraffes in this world…they all need a home…maybe we should start a shelter for down-on-their-luck giraffes?

  21. Love the links to stuff you didn’t come up with. Always a fan of The Oatmeal even when he’s semi-serious. Pami’s massage story was indeed hysterical. But it didn’t make me laugh half as much as your book is making me laugh. Honestly. I’m reading it at work and people have come over and asked if they need to call 9-1-1 or bring me an asthma inhaler or something. I have to read it with my legs crossed ‘cuz I’m on constant pee-your-pants alert.

  23. I’m glad she saved the giraffe. It would be sad to let it be thrown away because of a few imperfections.

  24. Oh, and now I totally want to see a pic of the giraffes head on a wall, surrounded my actual animals. It would be like a reverse of when E.T.’s head is mixed in with the stuffed animals.

  27. …Damn my family is boring. I mean, our biggest story is the time I stabbed my step-dad through the hand with sewing scissors when I was six, or the time he and my brother were joking around with yard tools and he accidentally stabbed my brother with a pitchfork…through the hand.

  28. i hate facebook when it’s used as an incompetent political or religious platform, but when it’s used like THAT – I LOVE IT.

  30. Most of my time on facebook is dedicated to denying the most recent piece of alarming fan fiction I’ve written. This week, it’s Boris Johnson/Brian Cox…

  32. I did not even think of that in a sexual way until after I saw you explaining the explanation. Is that cause I’m weird and think taxidermy naturally, or because I just know your family after reading so many of your stories?

    The world may never know.

  33. I always wished I had a sibling for this very reason. No taxidermists, just stoner hippie parents. Wish I had someone to share my twisted sense of humour about it. You two are so fortunate to have each other. And a giant stuffed giraffe. With holes and broken legs. I do hope she shares it with you. I had a whole lot of kids on purpose specifically so they had someone to joke about their fucked up childhoods with. They already have two decrepit life-sized stuffed tigers which they are pretty good at sharing.

    I need that mug. I love the frost flowers.

  35. So when are we going to see a Bloggess reality show? You interactions are pure entertainment for us. I could use more laughs.

  36. I guess turning the stuffed giraffe head into a taxidermy mount is better than wearing it as a hat. The Scooby Doo video made me laugh out loud.

  38. Cue tons of Bloggess fans trying to friend your sister on Facebook now.
    Because us innernet people are weirdER. OH! Next book/movie title about the things you and the Bloggess Army accomplish? WEIRD AND WEIRDER.
    *flies her freak flag*

  39. you have like the best line-up of shit you didn’t come up with this week…and please..I mean it in the best way possible!!

  40. Could the broken legs and holes be the result of being mounted too much? God, I hope not. Poor giraffe. Glad it was rescued.

  41. Ha! I thought my family was a little weird but ive never had to explain to anyone on facebook that my dad doesn’t hump stuffed animals

  44. Well, first of all I like this post. 🙂
    Secondly, I was reading daily odd compliments, and it made me think of you. In a good way though because it makes me smile, and you make me smile. 🙂 Anyway, I hope you have a good day.

  46. I think you’re right. its nice to see your life – and your schedule – are as crazy as mine!
    Of course, your busy schedule reflects your publishing success, whereas mine reflects abject failure, but tomato, tomahto, right?

  48. Whatever that giraffe just said must’ve been hysterical, just look at her face! Maybe broken legs make you funny, and Gabi knew that.

  51. I kind of feel like your sister is a really great person for saving that poor, mangled giraffe. Mounting it would be absolutely appropriate (both kinds, because I don’t discriminate against furries/plushe lovers or taxidermists).

  52. Dearest Jenny,

    I finally ordered your book from amazon and received it in the mail yesterday evening. I must say that I am very disappointed. I thought for sure that the book would keep me busy and entertained for a few days but it did not. Instead, I read the entire book last night because I couldn’t stop reading. Please finish a second book promptly.

    Sincerely,
    Mikki

  54. Well you *needed* that clarification because you just know there is some niche fetish market catering to crippled giraffe-humping. Probably: hotgimpygiraffehump.com Sickos!

  57. I was fascinated by the poor, poor lady who went in for a pre-natal massage and came away with….way more than she bargained for.

    Speaking as someone who really enjoys an occasional massage, I can promise you that I will NEVER just lay down on the sheets with the naive expectation that those sheets are pristine and untouched…..I will be patting and checking from now on.

    Yeesh!

  58. Dear Jenny,
    I write to you at this time looking to enlist your services in a campaign of mine. My name is Cheyenne and I am 15 years old. I really want a hedgehog and have for a while. My parents said that they would consider it heavily if I was creative in my proposals. This is why I need your help. My mom is a huge fan of your site and she owns your book (which I have read. It’s hilarious that your mind works a lot like both me and my mom’s. And slightly disturbing. But mostly hilarious.) I was hoping that maybe you could write me back or write a blog post about it so that my mom could see how determined I really am? Maybe you could even make #hedgehogcampaign trend! Thanks for any help you can give me. 🙂
    Sincerely,
    Cheyenne

    (Dear Cheyenne, hedgehogs.are.adorable. But? They’re also not great pets because they sleep all day and are up all night. They’re good for insomniacs though and when they take baths they pull me out of any sadness I have. So they’re like tiny anti-depressants who won’t play with you in the daytime when you want them to. I’m probably not helping here. I apologize. ~ Jenny)

  59. Actually, I totally believe that you had to clarify the head mounting thing. I have read both blog and book, and I’d STILL need it clarified. Your family is deliciously insane. Bless.

  65. I have an adorable stuffed puppy who’s short one leg. Perhaps she could start an animal sanctuary for irregular stuffies?

  66. That reminds me of the time my husband called my mom and told her, “I mounted an owl with my dad today!” Ten years later, he still hasn’t lived that down. (It was an owl decoy for scaring away birds, which they were mounting on the roof of his dad’s apartment building. Or so he says, anyway.)

  67. hilarious facebook exchange. clearly FB needs a new group for Plush Taxidermy Enthusiasts. I for one would join and hope her stuffed giraffe gets restuffed as a shoulder mount and is the first one shown. stuffed and restuffed, twice stuffed. kinda like a twice baked potato

  68. Wait, so what happened to the giraffe? is he still intact? And by intact I mean “did his head get taxidermically mounted” not “did you neuter him”

  71. I’m so glad that when I pulled up your blog this morning the scary vagina cake was no longer screaming at me from the top of the page.

  72. I’ve always thought giraffes were kind of uppity. This broke down giraffe kind of takes them down a peg. This probably only makes sense to me.

  74. Your family needs a facebook fan page! This kind of weirdness needs to be shared with the world all the time! Pure awesomeness.

  76. Those altered books are AMAZING. There are so many creative and talented people out there. As an art major myself, sometimes I feel like Ace Ventura around the dective lady,…”I’m a little out of my league here.” Either way, it keeps me trying.
    As for you family, the weirdness abounds in each clan. Each has their own level of weirdness, just ask The Wife. It’s what makes us family, yeah?

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

  81. Ah, to be a mounted head of a fly on the wall at one of your family gatherings. I imagine it would be amazing.

  83. Mounting a giraffe head doesn’t sound so unusual anymore. Not after the years of reading your blog. Taxidermy has taken on a whole new meaning…

  84. I was starting to think Facebook existed to make the less than perfect feel… Less than perfect. And of course for political debates. Nice to still see the funny!

  85. So I read your book today. My six year old daughter wanted to know what I was reading about. I told her it was about me. She then says “Well unless your a frickin mouse king I think you’re fibbing. Because I’m pretty sure you’re reading about a mouse king”. I then told her I was a mouse king and that shut her up for the rest of the day 🙂

    Great book by the way. I almost peed myself when you wrote about the porn magazie. Because that exact same thing happened to my cousin and I. Except we were a bit more perverted and cut out the pictures and hid them in my generic Teddy Ruxpin’s zip-up butthole. Until my mom found them and started to question my sexuality… I was 7.

  87. I was once considering buying framed art from some website. And next to every item was the option to “See it Mounted”. Each time I clicked the link I expected to see a gif of somebody humping a picture. It never was, though.

  89. I now have a mental picture of a man “mounting” a headless, stuffed giraffe. Thanks for the giggle as I fall asleep. I guess that makes me pretty weird as well 🙂

  90. It’s neat you and your sister can talk about your dad mounting animals and it NOT be about sex. Because that’s not always the case.

    Anyway, back to Animal Planet reruns.

  92. Tell Jenny you deserve a HUGE raise. Because I said so. It’s so Jenny. p.s. I need to know the name of the person RIP that died who was an accountant or something. Mrs. something, accountant or librarian. I have a little ok a lot of OCD action here. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

    (Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal? ~ Jenny)

  95. i was already laughing about the giraffe having broken holes before you even got to the mounting part. (“broken legs and holes”) . . . [sigh] . . . i might be even weirder than your family.

  96. Question for you. I always wanted to be a writer, but my grammer sucks balls and I have adhd so I’m easily distracted. So I would actually be a really shitty writer, but still I know there’s a book deep down inside, maybe in my lower intestines, but it’s still there. Any whooo’ Do you have any pointers of what can help focus, build up the ol’ 7th grade grammer skills and maybe just maybe be my go to gal if need be? I know you want to. You know why? Because I am gangster and gangsters are pretty bad ass to give pointers to. 😀

  97. I think a long giraffe’s neck would be a taxidermist’s wet dream. You could use all that length for hanging coats or ring toss. Only one question: how do you stuff an already stuffed giraffe?

  100. I would have ended up rescuing that sad giraffe too. I thought I would one day grow out of believing that EVERYTHING has feelings, but it hasn’t happened yet. To this day I have a shabby couch in my dining room because I would feel sorry for it if I saw it on the curb for trash pickup.

  101. OMG those links were hysterical. Kudos on linking The Oatmeal, too. My friend the TX T-Rex recommended it, and he was right to do so. My latest woes: our most excitable young cat Buzzy has figured out that the red bug (i.e., the laser pointer) is not something that appears, but something I MAKE appear, and has adjusted his pestering roster accordingly. I’m not sure if this will get better or worse if I find a job.

  103. Killing myself over the email exchange. Completely love the photo. New t-shirt “SAVE THE GIRAFFE!!!!”

  106. My sister had a 10ft stuffed-animal giraffe that was rescued from a liquor store (had been part of a promotional display). It was obvious the giraffe had been in the store to long, as he couldn’t stand up without leaning on something!! Then again our cats were named Ulthar and Frodo, so you can guess we weren’t what you’d call “normal”

  107. Speaking of headless extremely large stuffed animals…on Modern Family last night they had a Zebra that was decapitated and stuck in a bed, Godfather-style!

  109. Jenny I’m not sure if you’ll see this but I had to share. AMC has a new show that They made just for you! Immortalized is an unscripted series that brings viewers into the captivating and provocative world of creative and competitive taxidermy.

    holy shit you can’t make this crap up.

    http://www.amctv.com/shows/immortalized/about

  110. Dear Jenny,
    You sent me this:
    (Dear Cheyenne, hedgehogs.are.adorable. But? They’re also not great pets because they sleep all day and are up all night. They’re good for insomniacs though and when they take baths they pull me out of any sadness I have. So they’re like tiny anti-depressants who won’t play with you in the daytime when you want them to. I’m probably not helping here. I apologize. ~ Jenny)
    I have researched them extensively and am aware that they sleep during the day, as they are nocturnal animals. However, in captivity, they sometimes adjust to their owner’s sleep patterns in order to bond with them. Also, they are super compassionate once they bond with you. So, they really are great pets! 🙂
    Sincerely,
    Cheyenne
    P.S. You said that hedgehogs taking baths make you smile, so here is a video of one! 🙂

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading