Valentine's Day for Under-Achievers

There’s a woman I know who is intent on making me not like her simply by virtue of being too good at shit.  Case in point, every Valentine’s Day she makes handmade valentines with personalized photos of her child attached to actual objects.  Like, “I wheelie like you” with a toy car inserted into the photo of her kid’s hand.  So now the other moms in the class are all making 30 twee personalized cards with rulers and play-doh and magnets on them and it’s raising the bar to impossible limits and I want to just be like “FOR FUCK’S SAKE, IT’S JUST VALENTINE’S DAY.  COME ON.”  But I don’t.  Because that would be too obvious.  That’s why this year I’m considering taking Valentine’s Day to the furthest logical conclusion so that these bitches (I mean that in a good way) can see what kind of a dangerous path they are paving.  Here are the ideas I came up with for home-made V-Day cards with “sassy gifts”:

You’re a shoe-in, Valentine” taped to a used flip-flop

Bee mine” attached to a paper bag filled with live bees

You’re a hoot, valentine” stapled to some dead owls

I’m a sucker for you” pinned to vacuum bags filled with cat hair

You’re quite a catch” tacked to a dead dolphin.

Oh, me so horny” attached to bassoons.

You rock my world” written on boulders.

I don’t want to bug you, but be mine” stapled to ziplock bags filled with the dead bugs in my light fixtures.

This may sound corny, but you’re the best” attached to an unshucked ear of corn.

Be my honey-bunny” safety-pinned to some rabbit carcasses.

I’m never ‘board’ with you, Valentine” nailed to a two by four.

You’re a good egg, Valentine” wrapped around a raw egg.

I’m stuck on you” taped to a baggie of used syringes

Give me some sugar, Valentine” attached to a five pound bag of sugar

I’m great, but you’re beta” stapled to a stack of obsolete Beta movies

You light my fire” attached to a half-full butane tank

Water You Doing For Valentine’s Day?” written on a full five-gallon water-cooler bottle with no lid.

You’re my Valentine…No butts about it!” inside a mason jar full of cigarette butts.

You’re Quite a Scoop!” stapled to baggies of used cat litter.

“You’re Hot, Valentine!” attached to a loaded flame-thrower.

And if that doesn’t work then next year I’m giving all the kids in Hailey’s class free kittens.  Sick kittens.  With diarrhea.  Because that’s where we’re headed, people.  And pretty soon you won’t be able to give away the kittens because every Valentine’s Day your kid will come home with 25 sick kittens from all the other kids in the class and then next year someone else will step it up to free monkeys and invariably a few of them will be fever monkeys from shoddy labs and they’ll bite the kids AND THAT’S HOW YOU GET ZOMBIES.  ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, OVERCHIEVERS?  MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO EAT BRAINS AND I HAVE 90 SICK CATS AND A FEVER MONKEY LOCKED IN THE CLOSET.  THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

*deep breath*

I’m going to go lie down now.

422 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I like your first suggestion:


    Daddy Scratches recently posted The Scratches Take Manhattan, Part 1.

  2. Oh – you make me laugh! =) I love all of those ideas, which would likely result in less then stellar results. Especially the bee one. But I have to say… bassoons aren’t horns. French horns are horns. You can totally attach one to a French horn. That would make more sense. =)

    (Bassoons are not horns? Now I’m questioning everything. ~ Jenny)

    Maggie B. recently posted {dysfunctional ramble}.

  3. I’m with you on the ridiculous heights some parents take things to. Both of my kids will be giving away Valentine’s bought at Walmart because that’s how I roll. 🙂

  4. Love “bee mine.” Love.

    Curiosity recently posted Catchy.

  5. “I’m stuck on you” taped to a baggie of used syringes, is the best. Pure awesome.

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  6. There are no words to adequately express the depths of my love for you, Jenny. You make my day just a little brighter. So glad I’m not the only sick, twisted mom on the planet.

    Lynette recently posted Sage Advice.

  7. 8
    Pat C in Washington

    Don’t take the bait, or Martha Stewart Mom the Terrorist wins. I mean it.

  8. “I love the SHIT out of you” taped to ex-lax….

  9. What the?! I thought it was called “Balentimes Day.”

    Jamie the Very Worst Missionary recently posted Jesus or Zoloft?.

  10. The bassoon one was my favourite, for sure.

    Valentine’s day is insanely out of hand, for kids and adults alike if you ask me. One box of Valentines from the dollar store was all I ever needed. And the last time my boyfriend and I went out for Valentine’s day, it was to Tim Hortons.

    Amanda recently posted that time I went to Europe: part three - Florence.

  11. Oh man this is amazing. Totally stealing one of those for my husbands Valentines day gift.

    Amanda recently posted Weekend words.

  12. Because unshucked is the most offensive way to give corn.

  13. This probably happens to Richard Simmons a lot.

  14. I think you should run for PTA President.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted What Would You Do with Two Hours to Be Completely Self-Indulgent?.

  15. LOVE this. And really, can we just scale the whole thing, every “holiday”, ALL of it back please?

    Amanda recently posted Little Regrets....

  16. live bees or bust! that one is the best! or what about “addicted to you” with a little baggie of cocaine!

  17. See, I didn’t read “bassoon” … I read ” baboons” so yeah… I thought you meant a bunch of horny monkeys and well… at least the act would be Valentines day ish…

  18. I would give the “I’m stuck on you” out with duct tape in different colors and patterns. Let the other moms deal with their kid decorating the house with that. 😉

  19. I think they should ban valentine’s day in school, cause stuff like that can lead to kids liking each other, and from there it is just a stone’s throw to sex…AND THERE CAN BE NO SEX IN SCHOOL! Think about it. It could be a real problem.

  20. I’m a sucker for you…An unwrapped sucker covered in cat hair.

    MyMansBelly recently posted Bright and Cheery Watercress Citrus Salad with Strawberry Vinaigrette.

  21. Of course the ultimate conclusion would probably to hand your love interest a bloody still-beating heart. No words. No explanation of where it came from. Just a blank stare with sheepishly blinking lashes…..and a mushy, bloody, dripping beating heart in your outstretched hand.

    It just screams, “HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINE’S DAY!!!”

    Jon Jones recently posted InvisibleMan Pt.1 - MEET THE SPORTSRACERS # 11.

  22. More suggestions:

    Love Bird: – picture of a heart taped to someone giving them the middle finger

    Forever & Always: – attached to some duct tape and written in cut-out individual magazine letters

    Cootie Pie: written lovingly on a piece of pie filled with bed bugs

    moooooog35 recently posted The Front Lawn Chupacabra.

  23. And this is why you’re my hero… Valentine’s day or not. Rock on! (assume I attached that last sentiment to some gravel or something)

    Queen Of All Things Good recently posted Now There's WHAT In My Yard?!.

  24. You are sick. You are twisted. And I respect that. You make me feel inadequate because though I am also sick and twisted, you are sick and twisted on steroids. I love you.

  25. *running to Home Depot for 2x4s

  26. Oh, shit. I don’t think she is kitten!

  27. I made zombie valentines for my website last year so this year they’re going out with the six-year-old. Nothing says lovin’ like eyeball goo.

    Stace recently posted Writing = snacking. Roasted chickpeas.

  28. There are times I’d love to get inside your head and observe how this all goes down. I can’t decide if this is one of those times or not. 😉

    Rebeccah recently posted When The Shoe Comes Off, You Know He Means Business.

  29. Well, I misread “bassoons” as “baboons” and it worked just fine in my head. I played clarinet for four years and totally missed that it was bassoon, and that that bassoons are not horns, but woodwinds.

  30. Seriously, who has time for this kind of Valentine making?? I feel like we are lucky if we even remember Valentine’s Day for God’s sake.

    thedoseofreality recently posted Aaaahhhh, The Good Old Days, Remember Those?.

  31. Wow.
    1. Filing this away in “reasons I would suck as a parent”
    2. The boulder thing could actually be really cute if you, ya know, use regular rocks instead 🙂

    But perhaps the best thing you could do would be bake a batch of brownies. With chocolate chips added. And instead of water, you use espresso. And draw a frosting heart on each one. This means they’re the highest-concentrated vessels of sugar and caffeine that the kid is going to get all DAY or even all MONTH and OH MAN will they be little assholes when they get home.

    Dangerous Lilly recently posted Lelo Luna Beads – Noir.

  32. Let’s “meat,” Valentine! stuck in raw hamburger.

    The Good Luck Duck recently posted Why boondockers need roadside assistance - a pictorial.

  33. The bassoon is my favorite! I might actually do that for my husband he would get a kick out of that. Geesh, I’m just hoping to get the cheapie cards from the grocery store and a list of the kids names in time for the big day – none of this crafting business. Guess I’m not up for mom of the year after all. (bubble burst)

    Kim @ The Family Practice Blog recently posted Cabbage Soup for the Soul + Health Benefits.

  34. Bassoons are wind instruments, not horns.

  35. You’re fucking brilliant! Thank you 🙂

  36. I read this in the library. WTF was I thinking? By the end, I was laughing so hard that other people started laughing. I guess I’m just spreading the joy. Much like spreading monkey-pox but without the potential for zombies.

    Ashleigh recently posted End of an era... Or a world....

  37. You ARE making these into Zazzle cards, right? Right?!

    Ellie Di recently posted The sea of quarter-life crisis: When I can’t touch bottom.

  38. Valentine’s day. My favorite holiday to hate.

    My Half Assed Life recently posted Bitter Cold and Bad Karma.

  39. I’m confused. Who are these Mothers making these valentines for? You don’t send your kid a valentine surely?

    (They’re making them for their kid to give to the other kids in class. ~ Jenny)

    Mark Magness recently posted Charlie’s Quotes.

  40. I was appalled when I noticed that all the kid’s Valentine’s cards came with gifts and candy to attach – when did THAT happen [says the person with no kids]??? I was going to point out how weird it was to my husband, but then I got distracted and went to buy vodka instead. (When they start making Valentine’s with airplane bottles attached, THEN I’ll care.)

  41. A bassoon is a woodwind. Just sayin’.sayin’

  42. I’ve got “wood” for you, Valentine! taped to a bassoon.

    The Good Luck Duck recently posted Why boondockers need roadside assistance - a pictorial.

  43. You always make me smile 🙂 And if we’re voting on these, I like this one – “Oh, me so horny” attached to bassoons.
    I’m thinking about sending it to my boyfriend, so thanks for that.

    Dolores recently posted Golden Lush Awards.

  44. Hahahaha, I read that as baboon instead of bassoon. Gives it a whole other meaning.

    Mom in Two Cultures recently posted Snack Time.

  45. My sister-in-law overdoes the whole she-bang too… sickening! you are too funny!

    btw…my browser underlined and wants to sell me: “personalized cards, vacuum bags, light fixtures, and cat litter” hmmm

  46. Yeah when I was a kid it was grocery store cards and maybe a piece of candy for that special girl

    Corey Feldman recently posted The Sexton and the Reaper.

  47. oh my gah – I thought it said BABOONS not bassoons. Which makes even less sense, except for me knowing the expression about a monkey humping a football and I thought, well, it’s a stretch, but okay.

    Rebeccah recently posted When The Shoe Comes Off, You Know He Means Business.

  48. I like the way your brain works. If I were a zombie, it would the be the first thing I go for. Just so you know.

    Mary, QoE recently posted My man, Wilkie . . . ..

  49. The “You’re Beta” one could also work as “You’re Betta.” You’d just replace the beta tapes with angry Betta fish in Dixie cups!

    Jacquie recently posted Oh, the Technology!.

  50. I wonder if you could ask your dad to mount the bees on tiny springs that spring out of a can when someone opens it. Like those fake snake gag gifts, but with stingers and venom.

    Brooke recently posted Non-Alcoholic Cosmo Recipe.

  51. Jesus Christ Jenny. You just wrote a Valentine’s Day Episode for the Family guy. Congratulations.

    Bradley recently posted Corn-Dog-A-Thon.

  52. This is just too much. Just give them the damn sugar filled candies and let them play in traffic. Like the rest of the kids.
    Damn over achieving mothers.

    tabitha W recently posted Not the Mama.

  53. I say go cheap with sugar or artificial sweetener packets stolen from restaurants. Write “Give me some sugar” right on the packet. Boom. Done.

  54. 56
    Veronica Thomas

    ..and I read bassoons as baboons and couldn’t figure out the *horn* connection…

  55. “I’m a sucker for you” pinned to vacuum bags filled with cat hair” – I could totally do this one! Every freaking day. Ha!

  56. “I’m a sucker for you” should be attached to a bucket of leeches. Now that’s romantic! In unrelated news, I stick at gift giving.

    TechyDad recently posted Wordless Wednesday: Meeting Ariel in #NewFantasyland.

  57. Love it! We had one mom this year who went out and bought actual mailboxes (not the normal sized ones, but pretty big) and decorated each individual one for each kid. So no we don’t have to decorate the shoe boxes… I asked her what she was trying to do? Now even if I do make some cutsie hand made valentines with cute treats, it won’t compare. DAMN THAT OVER ACHIEVING MOM! What meds is she on and where can I get them?

    keaven neely recently posted Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh!.

  58. I remember when getting the fancy character Valentines Day cards were a big deal. If you got those you were the sht.

    Nickie recently posted Lioness..

  59. I am totally picking up a rock and writing YOU ROCK on it and giving it to my husband for Valentine’s Day. That is pure awesomeness.

  60. Can’t you just say your religion prevents you from doing this bullshit? Seriously, I don’t understand the level of stupid people with kids have to go through today. The first time I heard about goodie bags from birthday parties I thought the person was having me on. It is all just crap that gets thrown away in the end. Wouldn’t a better Valentine be to put whatever money is waste on this stuff toward the food bank or something?

  61. Sorry Jenny, a bassoon is a woodwind, so it isn’t a horn. But, stick it to a trumpet or something brass(except a saxophone, saxophones, though made of metal are woodwinds too. sneaky Bat Rastards). As always, you have made me laugh so loud my family is sure I have finally lost it for real this time. As a mom who has stayed up until 3am making Hershey kiss roses for V day, I feel your pain. I agree with another comment. Don’t give in. Then the Martha Stewart Nazi mom wins! Also, I would like to reassure you that they do grow out of it. Happily, I haven’t had to “make” Valentines for a class since 6th grade. My darling is now a Junior in high school. Huge relief.

  62. These are amazing.

    Ashley recently posted Splendor.

  63. And once we get zombies, then there will be a need for a whole new set of valentines – now marketed to the ever-growing zombie population.
    I’ll start: “Valentine, I love you for your body and for your tasty braaaaaains.”

    Melissa recently posted I read some books last year.

  64. Where can I buy these cards? Seriously.


    Dark Matter Fanzine recently posted Jonathan Creek Easter special.

  65. But wait, whatever happened to the Copernicus cards you made last year? Surely this is the year that children need to learn to differentiate a hug from a strangle. And to make it snazzy you could attach certificates for a free hug. Or strangle. Their choice.*

    *based on whether or not they are an asshole.

    Ashley recently posted Risky Business.

  66. This is seriously SO brilliant it’s blowing my mind. Wait, that might just be the fever monkeys causing zombification. Grraaauuuuuiiihhooooghghhhhhh?

  67. We all hate the pressure of Valentine’s Day, too. ~nods somberly~
    Someone will be by to feed your Fever Monkey momentarily.

    Andi recently posted You should own your domain name.

  68. 70
    Melissa Valencia

    “You’re quite a scoop” is my favorite one… and really if you think about it, probably the one with the the most longevity because you’re getting like 300 cats with some sort of gastric upset this year. By next year you’ll have scooped enough to start your own Valentine’s factory. You’ll be, like, a philanthropist or some shit for taking care of the little poopers AND you’ll be able to set up shop on ETSY and make a shit ton (no pun intended) of money with your Valentines! That is what we call a “win-win”! Bravo!

  69. My youngest daughter would adore you for life if she received a sick kitten for Valentine’s day. So mail one asap 😀

    Samantha recently posted Q & A with the kiddos.

  70. I think maybe the dead bunny one is a little too Fatal Attraction-y, and would probably freak everyone out, otherwise you’re good to go. Incidentally, I played the French horn in high school and my band instructor gave me a pin that said “I’m horny”. These days he probably would be arrested.

  71. Happy Valentines Day, Asswipe…taped a used…never mind. I’m no good at this.

    Hope recently posted Let's talk about Jack....

  72. I did send Fun Dip Valentines to school with my kids one year, you know the packets of sugar that is dyed with artificial sugar. The kind that keeps your child wired for at least 12 hours. I sent them as a “fuck you” to the parents that send in the crappy candy and pencils that my kids drag home every year. I’m sure that the kids parents didn’t really notice and the kids all liked the straight sugar in a packet. But I was happy that the “fuck you”
    Maybe this year I could do the 5 pound bag of sugar or spare some live bees. I like the live kittens with diarrhea.
    Fucking Valentines..

    Cynthia Holt recently posted Fuming Over The Fumes.

  73. Bassoons may not be horns, but they do cost as much as a car. If you spent $25k on valentines for your daughter’s class you would win forever. Those over achieving losers could never, ever catch up.

  74. I totally read “baboon” instead of “bassoon,” too!

  75. Come on, ONLY cat hair? Why not go all out and really wow your valentine with vacuum bags of big fluffy cats! Nothing says “I’m a sucker for you” like mowing down a litter with a Dyson. Only the best for my valentine!

  76. What I meant to say that I was happy that the “fuck you” was out there

    Cynthia Holt recently posted Fuming Over The Fumes.

  77. Love it! How about “Your love worms my heart” stuck to a baggie of (mostly) live worms?

    or, “You are my world, my center, my fecal point” taped to a plastic butter tub that you’ve used for leftover food but now have filled with doggie doo?

    Betsy recently posted The Seat Swings Both Ways.

  78. I’m going to use these for my boyfriend’s valentine.
    I thought maybe a good ol’ intimate sexy time would do, but these suggestions are so much more hilarious, and also cheaper. (lingerie is expensive)


  79. I would just get some standard Walmart valentines and write on them “It’s retro. Fuck off.”.

  80. Thanks Jenny, I wasn’t freaking out about Valentine’s Day until right now. It’s okay I have a boy in kindergarten, so he’ll just give everyone a slug.

  81. You’re overthinking this. The kryptonite for those annoying overachieving moms is CANDY. preferably the super cheap kind from dollar tree with arabic writing on the label. Bonus points if it’s partially unwrapped and sticky. Next year there will be a policy banning anything but paper valentines. Win.

    Jacquie recently posted bueno.

  82. 84
    Queen Elisheba

    These are brilliant!! Thank you, and I hope no brains will be consumed.

    Queen Elisheba recently posted C.H.J.S. - Your Truth.

  83. Just get 30 identical lockets with the inscription, “You’re the ginchiest”.

    Steve D recently posted #443 Temporal Displacia.

  84. Maggie B’s right. Bassoons aren’t horns. They’re double reed woodwinds which I know because I used to play the Oboe (also a double reed woodwind. Thank you, middle school band!). Double the reeds, double the squeaks. They sound AWFUL if you don’t play well, so perhaps attaching a note saying “You make me squeal, Valentine” to an oboe would teach the parents a lesson.

    Katie recently posted Top Ten Tuesday: Settings We Need More Of!.

  85. LMBO…I totally hear you…I can’t stand those types of Mothers, ugh!! I also love your ideas but I have a feeling if any of those were done they still wouldn’t get it, heck they wouldn’t even get it if they read this post…Their children are perfect and can do no wrong, ekk!!

    Wendy N recently posted A little of this and that....

  86. Love it, and personally, I still buy the standard little Vday cards we gave away a gazillion years ago when I was in elementary school. No candy, just the little tiny cards that fit in the little tiny envelopes that fit nothing else.

    As far as any dead animals, I think you would have a hard time attaching them to vday cards because you might not want to part with dead owls or dolphins, especially if they were posed well and wearing costumes….LOL.

    I can’t stand the mom’s that do everything for their kids rather than letting them do them for themselves. My mom didn’t do my vday cards…and I wouldn’t do my kids either. The chick you are dealing with is probably an independent consultant for Stampin Up or some other card manufacturer and is just trying to drum up business.

    Mishka recently posted Facebook Break.

  87. 89
    Victoria Bewley

    I hate these Hallmark holidays, life is hard enuff

  88. I should not have read this. I have a cough, and laughing is not as much fun as it should be. ROFC…

  89. And here I thought the mom’s here gluing candies to their kid’s V-day cards were being all uppity. They’re just phoning it in apparently.

    Jude recently posted Oh, goals..

  90. Oh, man, I could’ve written this myself. Lower the bar, yoga moms! I can’t keep up. We’ll be buying flimsy, made in china, paper valentines at the walmart. (And this is why my kid is not popular …)

    Kathy Lynn Harris recently posted How to Stop Drinking Dr Pepper in Five Days.

  91. I was able to laugh quietly to myself while reading this until comment #9, James, the exlax guy. That made me snort laugh in a otherwise quiet coffee shop.

  92. Somebody took my “still bloody, beating heart” idea already….I am always 5 minutes behind pure genius. We call these mothers “the overachievers”.

  93. I’m an asshole….I started reading this while cutting out the hearts for my son’s valentines that have a chocolate car and says “You’re a wheelie good friend” after just having the conversation with a friend on why the hell am I doing this? None of these 4 year olds care! Yup, I’ve turned into that mom but I promise, I’m not letting it get to zombie infecting monkeys.. I’m sorry. If it redeems me, I pretty much like every single one of your valentines better, the I’m stuck on you had me tears!

  94. I’m 27 and I still happily hand out those Snoopy valentines you get in sheets and have to snap off a square to make a card. That’s not good enough anymore…? I feel old…

  95. I’m going to have to steal some of these. Pure greatness!

    GK Adams recently posted It’s Like a Whole Other Country: Texas.


    You hit the nail on the head before you even got to the homemade gifts.

  97. Please help. trying to spread the word. just heard, lovely lady artist left in limbo when long term partner & sweetheart died 2 days ago, needs all the help she can get. Has no family

  98. Brilliant!! <—– Written while feverishly gathering boulders. And bees.

    Andrea recently posted Relax. Don't do it..

  99. Bassoons are woodwinds, I think. But I like the way you think.

    Also, I hated the custom of trading valentines in school. My mom made me do them for everyone in the class, but I hated everyone and the only good thing about this was potentially getting candy but it’s not very good candy anyway so why don’t we just do more math? THAT’S HOW MUCH I HATED THIS CUSTOM. I WANTED MORE MATH.

    Mels recently posted Catching Up.

  100. Or in other words, I wish I could stop hoarsing around and be your Valentine…

  101. I’m gonna use the rock one, but throw the rocks through their living room windows for a more personal touch.

  102. Ooo, ive got one:
    You are the wind beneath my wings (attached to a box of Gas X)

  103. You’re so special, Valentine! You shit Rainbows!

  104. When I read “I’m good but you’re Beta” all that popped into my head was a heart drawn around a photo of my two dogs humping. Yeah, I’m not well…..

    ….but I do have a valentine idea for my kids now, so thank you!

  105. Damn the luck, I needed these years ago when my now adult offspring were kids.

    Then again…I DO have a 7yo granddaughter….waaahaahaaa

    Marvi Marti recently posted Monday Quiz About Me.

  106. I live in Boulder, I’m totally using the boulder one. Ironically, of course.

    Susan recently posted "This is the other side of leaving...".

  107. Hey! Only another month until Easter, when you can send sick baby ducks home too. It will give the sick cats something to play with.

    Chelsea recently posted Calm and Collected with a Metric Shite Ton of Grapes.

  108. I bet with a little research we could find something sketchy about St. Valentine and have the whole thing banned in public schools. Be easier than rounding up 25 rabbit carcasses.

  109. Can I just Sharpie “MINE” onto all my valentines’ foreheads?

    Dana the Biped recently posted Not the Phone You're Looking For.

  110. “FOR FUCK’S SAKE, IT’S JUST VALENTINE’S DAY”. Now that’s the winner!
    But I think I have my husband’s Valentine now thanks to James — “I love the SHIT out of you” taped to ex-lax….

  111. I’m single w/no kids so I might be jaded but if I go to another 1 year old’s party that took the parents the entire year to plan and craft, I will lose my shit. All I want is a damn piece of cake. I hate you, pintrest.

  112. I am so glad my kids are in high school now and we’ve left all that crazy shit behind us.

    Tracey recently posted Do we have enough gas to get there?.

  113. “You’re a shoe-in, Valentine” taped to a used flip-flop

    I’m on this one! Finally, something to do with all the crap that washes up or gets left behind on my beach! I hate seeing all that stuff go to waste … like single flip flops or fins or boat shoes. I will add “You are too sweet Valentine” and attach it to the numerous used toothbrushes I inevitably find stuck in the sand. Or “You shine, Valentine” to go with the sandy, broken sunglasses. Finally, “In time, you’ll be mine” attached to a water-logged watch. This one sounds a little stalker-ish, but they do get a free watch out of it. I see this as a real opportunity to teach the munchkins (and their over-achiever Moms) about the value of recycling too. Thanks so much for the ideas, you are the best!

    If Valentine’s Day does happen to lead to the zombie apocalypse, I’ll be ready with the machete that I once found stuck in a pile of seaweed. Truly, the beach has everything!

    Sam recently posted One year later....

  114. Amen sister.

    When my son was in 2nd grade, an overachieving Mom sent home a gold fish – in a bowl without a lid – with each child for her daughter’s One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish project. Really?? Eight years later and up-teen dead golf fish later, I am still cleaning the friggin’ fish tank waiting for that last fish to die.

  115. “Water you doing for Valentine’s Day?” Oh goodness gracious, I think I’m going to use that one. Thank you so much.

  116. You’d think that by now I’d know better than to read this at work, you’d think that…

    The Suzzzz recently posted Winter, We're Over!.

  117. I am no Martha Stewart (Stuart?) hell I don’t even know how to spell her name! But my kids are on it this year. They have designed their own valentines to print out with a TARDIS on one side and “Keep Calm and Have a Happy Valentines Day” on the other. They plan on handing them out with a snack cup of vanilla pudding and a swedish fish. I’m sure all the other kids will be baffled but I think that just makes it better!

    (That? IS AWESOME. ~Jenny)

  118. Really? American school kids do the whole Valentine card thing? Crikey! Great ideas though babe 🙂

    TheDHW recently posted Have camera – not far to travel…..

  119. Just imagine this picture is posted in the comment:

    That’s Valentine’s Day devotion right there. Want to really give your (or somebody else’s) heart?

  120. Said perfectly and exactly what I was thinking about Valentine’s Day with these crazy insane school moms. I personally hate the holiday, because my grandfather died years back on it, but that is another story. Just so can’t stand having to celebrate and then try to outdo overachieving mothers on tip of it!! Enough said and thank you!!

  121. and all the beta tapes are of porn! right?

  122. Hilarious! Loved this post! Thanks for writing it.

    Cara recently posted Enlightenment.

  123. Hallmark really needs to hire you, I believe you are on to something!

    Christina @ The Beautiful Balance recently posted Green Mashed Potatoes.

  124. I like the cat litter one the best. No, the dolphin one. Wait, no, the cat litter one.

    Natalie the Singingfool recently posted Shake What Your Mama Gave You.

  125. *carcasses because, you know, the message would be safety-pinned to some rabbit carcasses’ ASSes.

    (Shit. ~ Jenny)

  126. I have the perfect 2X4 for the board one. No foolin’.

  127. Dearest Jenny, I understood your bassoon/horny joke. Bassoons are closely related to _English_ horns, both being in the double reed family.

    i hope you can get away with a pack of Star Wars valentines, or maybe something like this:

  128. 130
    Buffy Myers

    Dear Ms. Lawson,
    Due to your violation of school policy on “known allergens” *see school handbook page 547, article 8, section 4* your child’s Valentine gifts are being returned unopened. Please consider this a written warning. Further disregard of school code will result in dire actions by the school board, up to or including; 1) your picture posted in the office with your description AND weight *which we understand even your scale refuses to accept as possible*, with a caption below identifying you as a school terrorist and public enemy #1. 2) A report will be filed with the ASPCA describing your cruelty to animals *we can not prove any torture occurred but you have self admitted to having a large collection of deceased animals* 3) Immediate ejection from the Wil Wheaton Fan Club of North America *yes, we wield that much power*.

    As you can see, we are quite serious about this matter. We take education seriously, we are sure you can understand our stance on this matter.

    In closing we would like to remind you of the upcoming bake sale, cakewalk, purse sale trunk party, lunch lady appreciation day, St. Patty’s Day party, President’s Day Party, 100th Day Party, and Party Day Party. We look forward to your generous donation of time and money as usual.


    The Prime Minister of all Things Edgejucatianal

  129. Valentine’s Day was never that much fun when I was a little kid. Where are my free twenty-five sick kittens?

    And, the monkey. Of course.

    Robyn Webb recently posted I Should Not Be Allowed on Twitter.

  130. That reminds me of the year I gave out popsicles for Halloween. LOL

  131. And this is why we should just all join together to kill Valentines day.

    Andie recently posted And in one fateful monologue, Jon Stewart kills childhood..

  132. you forgot to cover the dead rabbits with hunny. then they can really be hunny bunnies.

  133. You know, there’s a pet overpopulation problem! Kitten season is right around the corner! Shelters really CAN’T give away all the free kittens. You might be onto something with a kitten Valentine for every kid… Oh Jenny, you’re so HUMANE.

    MissAdventures recently posted Feelings, wo-o-o feelings.

  134. My husband is so getting the plank of wood for Valentine’s Day. And maybe a 5 lbs. bag of sugar, if he’s lucky.

  135. I have been asking for a flame thrower for any and all holidays/birthdays/Hallmark occasions for the last 20 years from my husband. He just doesn’t understand the need. But I can see that you do.

  136. Agreed! I looked on pinterest for Valentines activities for my toddler. It was all shit that moms did for their kids. What’s the FN point of that? I might as well chew my kids food for him.

  137. or you could always do what I do, completely forget until the night before when your daughter comes to you in tears that she has no store-bought valentines to give out. Dash to the nearest grocery store only to find that the only paper valentines’s they have left are Loony Tunes with stickers, so buy a huge back of chocolate bars and a sheet of labels and have her design her own name-tags for each. and. every. student.

    BAM. Mother of the Year.

    Carmen recently posted My concussion. And how I shouldn't be allowed in public because I am a dumbass..

  138. “U stole my <3" on an actual heart. Perhaps cow?

  139. As a bassoonist, I just want to thank you for doing your part to work the bassoon into popular culture conversation. Thanks to your marvelous blog and its comments, people all over the world are being educated that the bassoon is neither a baboon nor horn, but a double reed woodwind instrument that costs as much as a car. It is prominently featured in such media successes as The Sorcerer’s Apprentice from Fantasia, March of the Penguins film, theme from Alfred Hitchcock TV show, theme from BBC’s Rumpole of the Bailey, “Weeping Angels” episode from Doctor Who, and anytime Bugs Bunny has to tiptoe quietly.

    I have two degrees, that’s right, TWO degrees in bassoon performance and am constantly faced with people not knowing what it is. I admire your adventurous and courageous creativity with your Valentine’s Cards! Brava! I believe bassoonists everywhere will be sporting “Oh! Me so horny!” buttons this Valentine’s Day!

    Ann Adair recently posted Sports Card Pro series updates.

  140. Be my Valentine and don’t be such a burning asshole.

    Yes, I am totally thinking about TexMex.

    Because I am dying down here in New Zealand.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted FedExTexMex!.

  141. The owls are my favourite.

    Katje recently posted SFFSat, January 19th: the magic of one’s True Name..

  142. Okay, I feel better about last year’s Valentine’s. I just ran off a bunch of address labels that said, “Happy Valentine’s Day, From S. (My kid’s name)” and stuck them some York peppermint patties. It was chocolate. What else do you want? A stupid pencil. Who gives a pencil for Valentine’s Day? What a weirdo.

    The kid was thrilled by the York peppermint patty idea. I may do it again this year. Get a big bag and keep the leftovers. 🙂

  143. Why are there so many dead things in your list? I’m not judging…just asking.

    Marianne recently posted The Animal.

  144. PS – Bassoonists sometimes refer to their own instruments as “my horn”, as well as “my axe.” Some examples are “I need to take my horn to the shop,” or “My axe is in the car.” “Are you bringing your new axe to the gig tonight?”

    Ann Adair recently posted Sports Card Pro series updates.

  145. So relieved to know I’m not the only one who misread bassoons as baboons. I was so confused! Looks like I’m in good company though…not sure if that should make me feel better or worse…

    Shannon recently posted I Owe My Body an Apology.

  146. I always hated Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. Because it never failed – the cute boys never gave me anything. This is probably why I’m so excited when my husband sends me flowers.

    Courtney recently posted It’s nearly time.

  147. ya know,. i always always love your writing,. and the thoughts that fuel it.- not that you need MY approval 😉 but i am a fan. you make me smile and i relate.
    but today. hmm.
    i don’t know why i feel a little defensive for this poor dorky Mom who gets a little “too into it” some might say. perhaps she isn’t Craftier-Than-Thou,. or hell bent on wrecking our mom-esteem,.. maybe her motto is moreso like “why do it when you can overdo it” i dare say she may not have considered the mood souring ripple effect that her Uber-Superior Mothercrafting Oneupsmanship would create. She might not be “bored” or “have nothing better to do”,. in fact…. my bet is that she is just plain excited to be alive. She is a happy little nerd Mom and we should let her do her thing without raining down our criticism and caustic wit.

    Mom Who Was Recently Asked Not to Do the Class Bulletin Board Anymore Because It is Too Over the Top and Makes the Other Classes Feel Bad

  148. If anyone wants to do the “You’re Quite a Scoop” one I can donate plenty of soiled cat litter. My cats leave me lots of little stinky valentines in their boxes every day. The little dears.

  149. Ditto everything Ann Adair said (including: I’m a bassoonist, thank you for mentioning bassoons, and yes you can refer to them as horns–we do).

    Now go right ahead and send those bassoon valentines my way. I’d prefer a Heckel, but I’d settle for a nice Fox 601. Throw in a contrabassoon, while you’re at it. 😀

  150. 152
    Johnny Feelgood

    Freeze-dried crickets taped to a card with, “I jump for you,” scrawled in very bad penmanship.

  151. Oh, I love this, too. I’m actually really glad we’re homeschooling now because we don’t have to deal with all those stupid Valentine’s anymore.

    Nicole(Whole Strides) recently posted Inauguration Day.

  152. Carrying on with the two-by-four idea, you could then nail it onto your lover. So they can always carry your love with them. At least, until they bleed out.


    Lindsey recently posted La mode: Navy scarf + red roses..

  153. So, so freakin glad that I do not have children.

    Holly Folly recently posted The Culvert Pipe and the Electric Pole..

  154. It was all originally about a saint who heard confessions and tossed notes of encouragement to doomed prisoners during some long forgotten ethnic cleansing until he himself was captured and tortured to death. Seems a much better idea to simply let people know you love them and let it go at that.

  155. Jenny,
    You and I know that there is only *one* solution to this problem.
    And that solution is more flamethrowers.

    Claire J recently posted Ever Notice How The Air Tastes Sweeter Right After The Thunderstorm?.

  156. Or maybe the classic, “Roses are red…” poem, along with a tube of red or blue food coloring? I’m pretty sure that the path of ruin would dissuade even the heartiest overachiever.

    Summer recently posted Spoiler Alert: It’s awesome..

  157. I love you Jenny; you get me but have the imagination to express it in ways that I never could 🙂

    Kat recently posted My two loves: internet and reading.

  158. You should consider giving ducklings. They’re little shit machines. Oh so long ago my daughter volunteered to bring her class ducks home for the weekend (every kid alternated a turn). It was one of the most traumatic weekends of my life.

    Little shit machines…on my garage floor…then my tub.


  159. I just want a valentine that says “For fuck’s sake it’s just Valentine’s day”

  160. I like your list more than the ones on Pinterest. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy looking for thoughtful gift ideas. (Thinking of them anyhow) But taping “I soda think you are amazing” to a can of coke is just annoying.

    Ms Burrows recently posted Being Offensive By Just Being Yourself.

  161. I think you’re approaching this in the wrong way. You should see this as an opportunity to educate these poor, suffering children about really important things… like the BBC series of Sherlock ( or Doctor Who ( or Lord of the Rings (… I mean, think of the potential. YOU’D HAVE AN ARMY OF GEEKY CHILD MINIONS AT YOUR COMMAND!

  162. Happy VD (written on the back of a prescription for antibiotics)
    Always Be Mine (written on a panty liner)
    It’s good to include some things that would prompt a frank discussion of menstruation and sex ed. Parents would probably thank you for it!

  163. Now I’m hungry for a fever monkey sandwich. With a side of kittens. Since they’re dying humanely and don’t have to be slaughtered after living a horrible life on a factory farm.

    Lorca Damon recently posted This Shirt Means Instant Birth Control.

  164. You’re hilarious!!! May I add one more?

    “You’re the shit, Valentine!” This would go well w.a paper bag full of dog shit for a man or a little candy dish full of rabbit pellets for that lovely lady in your life 😉

  165. Comment 129 is the best comment ever. And totally what I’m going to get in my kids’ Friday Folder after I send the 20 sick kittens with him for his Valentine’s party.

    Sarah recently posted On Strike.

  166. Not to scare you, but I love you so much, I may just have to send you one of everything on this list. Except for the sick kittens…you’ll get 25 of those for regifting purposes.

  167. I’m so very, VERY glad that you only use your powers for good.

  168. 170
    Lucy Ball (@LucyBall15)

    You’ve clearly thought this WAY through. I think that mom might be my friend. She pisses me off too. Oh, and there are these blog awards flying around so I decided you should have one too. You know, for the the Bloggess who has everything.

  169. How about “Happy V-day” and the cards can be various pictures of venereal diseases.

  170. Please ensure the nail on the two by four is a) covered in tetanus and b) is sticking out of the board.

    Dr. Steph recently posted Owls at 14.

  171. “I’m a sucker for you” pinned to vacuum bags filled with cat hair….OMG, I am so doing this, because I can! I about laughed myself into a pee stupor!

  172. The kittens with diarrhea almost caused a concussion as I laughed so hard I fell off my chair and hit my head on the tiled floor. Fucking overachievers! I have a whole lot of kids which means a whole lot of Valentines…or not. For only $1.99 each, we buy the shitty boxed ones THAT THE KIDS LIKE BETTER ANYWAY!!!!! Hear that, overachievers? The kids like the Star Wars holographic shit and the cute puppy ones BETTER! And don’t write the kids’ names on there…just put “to my school friend <3" to go that extra slacker mile. I have this shit down to a science.

    MILF Runner recently posted Developing a strategy to achieve YOUR goals....

  173. You do know that they make Doctor Who valentines right? For free? Print them yourself?

    Cassie recently posted wordless wednesday.

  174. Really seems like “Be my honey-bunny” should have both rabbits carcasses AND bees.

  175. 177
    Judy Sucevic

    I was in a bad mood, but now I’m laughing too hard to be upset!!

  176. I used to like Valentine’s Day. Until I became a mom of school-age children. Now the thought of it tires me out. BTW, you should rethink whether you could staple anything to a stack of Beta tapes. I’d recommend a big elastic.

  177. “Valentine, I’m nuts about you” In the shape of a heart stapled to a picture of scrotum. That’s ok for the elementary school set, right ?

  178. Seriously, fuck that traditional card crap. I want your valentines. Dead rabbit carcasses, PLEASE.

    Adrasteia recently posted Washelli Cemetery Photography.

  179. I read baboon not bassoon so I thought baboon’s must be extremely horny animals. Now I see that it is bassoon not baboon and I now not only know what kind of an instrument the bassoon is, but I also know it is not a horn. I learn something new everyday from your blog! When my son was little I just sent boxes of conversation hearts to school with him for Valentines Day. Let all the other mom’s do all that creative, crafty crap. I’d rather ride my bike. 🙂

  180. I feel inadequate and I don’t even have children…I used to love the Valentine’s bought at the drug store. Is that not cool anymore?

    Melissa B recently posted Happy Shit – 1/18/13.

  181. I have two kittens with bloody diarrhea that are costing me a fortune to diagnose. Make me an offer. Please.

    “Valentine, I’m crazy for you, be crazy for me?” taped to a bottle of Clozapine?

  182. Ba ha ha. OK, now you have raised the bar for all of us. How are we supposed to come up with anything that will beat those? I am throwing out the stoopid valentines with pencils, the height of lameness.

    Steph recently posted The $49 muffin.

  183. “You get me all sticky” attached to a piece of half-eaten candy

    winopants recently posted Confessions of a Potty Mouth.

  184. OK, it seems clear to me that “This may sound corny, but you’re the best” should be attached to a corn that you shaved off your foot with a scalpel. Or maybe the leavings of a corn you burned off your foot with salicylic acid? Oooh, maybe you burn it INTO your corn with salicylic acid and then just present your branded foot to your sweetie?

  185. 187
    John Kirkpatrick

    Looks like somebody needs a vacation.

  186. “Give me some sugar, Valentine” attached to a glucose meter.

    Actually, I NEED valentivnes day! It’s the only way I can get rid of the left-over Halloween candy!!

  187. See, this is what happens when you leave intelligent, capable women with too much time on their hands. They start obsessing over their childrens’ valentines and that way, as you so rightly point out, zombies lie. This is how the apocalypse will start, people. Not with an alien invasion, but with a HOME-MADE VALENTINE…

    Imelda Evans recently posted Technology fail and an important subject.

  188. No, no… an actual ear of corn might be at least marginally useful. For the “corny” one, why not kill two proverbial birds with a single card and duct tape the Valentine to a baggie full of petrified candy corn you have left over from last Halloween? Nothing says “Valentine’s Day” like stale candy.

  189. The cat/vaccuum option is seriously the best. Go for it.

    Karen Sanders recently posted The Audacity of a Title *explicit language*.

  190. This is why I’m terrified of having children. It’s not the kids I’m worried about. I can handle a lot a puke before I stop loving someone. But the prospects of classroom moms terrify me.

    Katie recently posted I'm gonna Pon Farr you so hard..

  191. People think I have got the power cause I’ve got the monkeys. Nope. I’ve got the power because I’ll let the monkeys loose… They don’t understand……

    Sean recently posted Uncompromising, Part Three.

  192. Oh, some of these are really good ideas! I’m going to use them!!!

  193. Personally, I think you should go with “I Heart You” stapled to a bag with a chicken heart in it. (You could probably go cheap and buy chicken livers in bulk becasue a kid wouldn’t know the differrence between an actual heart and a liver anyway and the Mom would be too busy freakin the fuck out and calling the cops or something to notice it’s the wrong organ. So DEFINITELY go with the cheaper livers.)
    Just a thought…

    Chris Dean recently posted Warm But A-Feared.

  194. Take comfort in knowing that parents making their kids’ valentines is the ultimate in helicopter parenting and they’re going to feel guilty about it someday. Ask Haley what she wants to do, help her come up with a plan that’s doable for HER (for 30. not doable for six and a half valentines and then weeping or boredom intervenes), take her shopping, and keep an eye on her during the hot glue parts. Then you get to feel virtuous AND feel sorry for the kids with heliparents.

  195. I love “some dead owls”. I laughed so hard my family thought something might be seriously wrong with me.

    Sara recently posted After All.

  196. I always knew Valentine’s Day would eventually lead to a zombie apocalypse. It was only a matter of time.

    Karen Peterson recently posted Little Bunny Fou Fou.

  197. If you did any of the above, another mom would attempt to top you. She would bring actual human hearts. What happened to the Barbie paper ones you tear apart and close with stickers? The sticker ones only went to your BFFs of course.

    Put Them in your Tea and Spill it on your crotch

    Ellen recently posted Put Them in your Tea and Spill it on your Crotch.

  198. Hey, if Jenny says a basoon is a horn, its a horn. Fuck.
    And my daughter used to play the oboe, so I should know.

  199. On the revenge tangent- permanent markers! Make up whatever to work them in to the Valentine but what kids doesn’t like markers? And the permanency is just for the super-overachiever moms who’ve upped the ante!

    Kelly recently posted Cookies!.

  200. Okay… so I’m totally going to go to the craft store and get heart shaped rocks and paint “you rock” on them for Valentines gifts… yep, gonna do it!

  201. So, can we start making these and pinning them to Pinterest and sharing them with each other until they are the most popular Valentine pins?

  202. You’re the tops! attached to two heart-shaped scalps, because Valentine’s Day is all about the heart.

    T. A. Woods recently posted Ripping the writing process from fear’s cold hand.

  203. These are fantastic ideas. Love them all. But in defense of the over-achievers, I’d say it’s a slippery slope. After all, you are a published author with what? A half a million readers per day? One might say you are an over-achiever. So as a perfectly normal class Mom and PTA Vice-President, when the uber-successful career Moms tell me I’m making them feel bad, I have a canned response: “Agreed. Your success as a surgeon also makes me feel less secure as a woman. I’ll be crappier at my job as soon as you are.” Let everyone shine their own light, and don’t take it as a personal statement on your own performance. I love all Valentines: homemade, Wal-Mart, dead stapled owls. It’s all love. It’s all good.

    (Well said. But in my defense, I’m only accidentally successful so I don’t think I count. Also, don’t send anyone fever monkeys and we’re cool. ~ Jenny)

  204. Thanks, overachieving moms. This is why we can’t have nice things.

    Allison recently posted The Ultimate in Stink Engineering.

  205. Fever monkey’s. Hehe. The, “You rock” idea is kind of cute. Did you know that you can get chocolate rocks? You could mix them with real rocks for the kids that piss you off. “Food” for thought.

    Shannon Fielding recently posted A Look at Wedding Sites on

  206. Any Valentine with the word FUCK in it will rock the house. Just sayin’…or something. LOL. Love it! And on another note, I’m one of those cheap ass mothers that gets the 1.99 set pack of cheap ass Valentine’s and has my kid fill them out herself. What a LOSER I AM!

    Momma Fargo recently posted Troll Bridge Elvis.

  207. And YOU KNOW where the dead owls and dolphins are. Only you.

    Leslie recently posted Seeing what is there.

  208. Yes, yes, and more yes. I have to take 24 signed Valentines into Baguette’s class. She is two. At a minimum, shouldn’t this be required of kids old enough to write their own names?

    Tragic Sandwich recently posted 10 Things I Found in My Closet.

  209. Maggie B is right, Bassoons are woodwinds. Brass instruments are horns. But I’m glad she mentioned it first so I wouldn’t be that annoying band parent who corrects people. But then again, maybe I am?

    And like seriously, Valentine’s Day at school is for the kids to celebrate…. are the kids making those amazingly snarky-over-the-top valentines? Nope, the parent is. What do the kids get out of that other than ‘my mom knows how to show up the other moms’. We either buy ours at the last minute at Walmart or the kids make their own with construction paper that might be red or pink and the hearts are uneven and they don’t spell Valentine’s correctly…. and I think they mean more to them than if I attempted to be creative.

    Gail recently posted Yeah, they'll never call back..

  210. 212

    OMG I have so many used syringes! This. Is. PERFECT.
    (Because I’m diabetic, not because I’m a druggie. Just thought I should clarify that. Also I realize that I shouldn’t be stockpiling used needles, but I’ve only just recently switched to insulin from oral medications and at first I was buying these red biohazard containers at the pharmacy that you could mail back to the company for safe disposal when they got full -because my pharmacy doesn’t let you turn them in there- but I have yet to make it to the post office so they are just sitting there, full and packaged up in their return boxes, all along the top of my cupboards, like terrible, terrible tchotchkes. AND, my pharmacy ran out of them and apparently never plans on getting more, so now I’m just filling up this empty laundry detergent bottle. Writing this has made me feel like I should switch to a less sucky pharmacy.)
    I love how everyone is Epcotting over the bassoon thing too.

  211. I read “bassoons” as “bazooms”. So there.

  212. Lmao. Don’t they see where this is headed?! Zombie apocalypse is no joke! This is no time to fuck around!

    xo Ashley

    Ashley recently posted Lately..

  213. I feel your pain. My 9 year old is totally taking a bag of rocks to school for v-day. Thanks for the idea! I’ll let you know how it goes. I might have to visit the principals office but it will be worth it.

  214. What happened to sending kids to school with a box of cheap, unsigned Valentine’s day cards and some, “Be Mine,” candy hearts, and letting the teacher sort it out? I really love my dogs.

    Anne Stinnett (Wickedelfchild) recently posted And Not Just For the Porn.

  215. I love this, even though I’ve totally been considering being one of those over-the-top moms and giving out dollar store pencils that say “You’re just write.” lol.

    Also, I’m with one of the other commenters. I’m totally stealing one of your ideas for my husband’s Valentine.

    Jen @ Cuddles and Chaos recently posted Pintervention: Craft Supply Organization Caddy.

  216. I think you should just glue a heart on Beyonce and have the Valentines all say “Knock Knock Motherfucker.”

    GoingLoopy recently posted Time Gone By….

  217. I love the corn one, but am disappointed there wasn’t an “ear” pun in it. Something about being all ears? Actually, never mind, I can’t make it work either.

    I’m not in the US, and Valentines Day is celebrated rather differently here, so I find the idea of children handing out valentines to everyone else in the class kind of weird. In these parts it’s more about love in the more adult sense, so the idea of helping your kid come on to every other kid in the class seems… a bit wrong?

    But then, I don’t get Halloween, either. 🙂

    Alverdine recently posted Pagan Blog Project: Birds.

  218. 220
    Stephen f-r

    Heather….if you could only have seen the over the top me and the map project my son and I created…am sure we are on parental hit list as enemy # 1

  219. Half of those ideas will be given to my husband, along with what James(#9) suggested…
    “I love the SHIT out of you” taped to ex-lax….

  220. Oooohhhh my gosh! HAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!! May I please use a few of those this year? Oh pretty please!!!!

    Morraha recently posted Silly Worrywort..

  221. Jesus Christ this post made me laugh so hard I choked on the milkshake I was drinking. I’m now dripping with banana milkshake and I don’t even care man. 😀

  222. Perfect…absolutely perfect.

    cafequeen recently posted Accept only Coffee Mug.

  223. Why can’t those moms be normal and just go to Walmart for a pack of cards, or even go fancy and go to Target instead?

    Mexmom recently posted The concert.

  224. We’re talked *endangered species* owls, right? Because nothing shows devotion like dead endangered species.

    Also, tell Joe’s mama to feed the kittens with the squirts some canned pumpkin (not the pie mix kind). It worked wonders in my household and gave the kitties orange tongues which had some amusement value.

  225. Jenny, you’re on Pinterest and pin “kick ass stuff” all the time. Are you honestly telling all of us that you’re not in the over-achiever rank for that purpose alone. Even I saw a site with a whole bunch of awesome homemade Valentines to make! LOL! Though, if you get the owls, feel free to send me one of those. Just have your dad stuff it for me first… 😉

  226. Those rabbit carcasses are dipped in honey, right?

    Kattie recently posted Seventh appointment.

  227. |so that these bitches (I mean that in a good way)

    We know that you don’t. We understand.

    thedavidcmurphy recently posted Kar-El.

  228. probably my all time favorite (after Beyonce)!

  229. I was going to go with a quote from Big Bang Theory about hearts being a woman’s buttocks upside down.

    Laurie recently posted By the Skein of my Teeth.

  230. You’ve inspired me. I was going to do these cute free printable Valentines I saw online yesterday. But they have paper dolls you can cut out of them. And you’ve convinced me that’s setting a bad precedent that could escalate quickly. So cheapos from the grocery store it is.

  231. What about real cow hearts with “I love mooooo” written across them in permanent marker? I see your homemade hearts and I raise you a dead cow heart…suck on THAT, supermoms

    Stacey recently posted You need healthcare. Even without the danger of polar bears..

  232. Gets Valentines.
    First World Problems.

    (Khereva: Zombies and fever monkeys are EVERYONES problems. ~ Jenny)

  233. That’s it. From here on out, I’m boycotting everything homemade. Someone’s got to stimulate the fucking economy and all this homemade shit is mucking up the works. I had a feeling I was going to come to this decision at Christmas with the homemade advent calendar trend, which just about made me lose my shit – I mean, who the hell has time to make advent calendars with 24 individually wrapped presents when you can buy perfectly fine ones at the store? – but V day is my line in the sand. Thank you for the incentive.

    Gretchen Morning recently posted The Redemption of Reality Television.

  234. Yikes, it seems like Valentine’s Day is such a big deal across the pond. In the UK it’s a bit of a non-event. Couples tend to get each other cards and gifts and go out to dinner or something, but I’ve never heard of kids giving a valentine to everyone in their class. Here you only send a valentine’s card to people you love or have a crush on normally. I’d hate to have the pressure of yet another random holiday, as if anyone has time for that?

    Tizzy Potts recently posted Top Ten Tuesday: Settings I'd Like to See More Of.

  235. To Indiana Lori —

    I’m not quite sure how to say this … as a Mom who regularly feels shitty about not being able to do anything for my son’s class because I’m trying to finish a PhD, hearing you put it that way actually helps a lot. Not that I want YOU to feel bad, but that we all excel in our own areas and shouldn’t feel bad about it. But we’re moms and we’re overachievers (some of us), so we still do. So thank you.

    At the same time, your comment kinda makes Jenny sound unkind and that’s not cool. But since you read her blog, I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn’t mean it that way. After all, most of the ladies here are fan-fucking-tabulous!


    Kadesh recently posted Katy Perry's Aversion to Feminism Shows Feminism Is Still Radical - The Atlantic.

  236. I think I will give my husband the 2′ x 4′ one this year. No, really. that is now my plan.

  237. I just wanted to say, your blog never fails to brighten my day. Take today, for example. I’ve had a long-ass day (and it’s only 4:04?!) full of people who think they know how to do my job better than me telling me how to do my job, professors piling homework on top of perilously tall piles of homework, and frantic packing for a conference I’m going to this weekend. So I get back from class, plop down at my laptop determined to get SOME sort of productivity out of the way before dinner…and see your blog post. Day instantly better 🙂

  238. I find myself in the same predicament, with not just an over-achieving Mother, but an entire Family that exceeds that super awesome Stepford bullshit and drags all us normal people into early grey hairs and 10am wine glasses trying to avoid the Worst Parent of the year award.
    This year I’m sending 22 baggies of peanuts dusted in Gluten, candies with red dye #40, and grape flavoured 5 hour energy.

    Becky recently posted Yam, bam, thank-you ma-am....

  239. I almost said that 30 dead animals may be difficult to find, and several of your ideas involve stapling things to carcasses, so I was going to recommend going with the bees or used syringes – but then I remembered it’s you, and you probably know EXACTLY where to get 30+ dead animals in a variety of species way easier than a shit-ton of bees or used needles. I’m not sure if I feel good or bad about the notion that I could probably find 30 used needles before I could find 30 dead owls – that either makes me way normaler than you (it’s a word – I went to college, so that entitles me to make shit up as long as it’s contextually sound. Don’t judge me), or I need to move the fuck out of the city.

  240. I think you are really onto something. It sounds like a lot of work though…. You should probably have the kids find their own dead creatures to save you the trauma of killing what seems like a wide variety of animals that may or may not be tricky to catch… Perhaps have their valentine be of a map to a near by forrest where they can hunt down said owl them selves… give a man a fish he eats for a day.. teach a kid to hunt owls… theres probably a reality show in there somewhere…

    Tanya recently posted Overdramatic Haiku.

  241. Okay these ideas are awesome and remind me of my last awesome gift to my husband — a spatula. Today at work we were talking about crochet toilet paper roll cozies from my childhood in Texas and I thought wow that is also an awesome statement gift that says I love you so much I want to keep your toilet paper roll warm for Valentine’s Day.

    Beck recently posted Reading Between the Lines: Conversation with My 14 Year Old.

  242. PS – why the fuck does everyone know everything about bassoons?

    (I’m putting this on a t-shirt. ~ Jenny)

  243. @Andie,

    Killing Valentine’s Day isn’t enough. We need a time machine to take out the originator of it. Which means:

    The main reason why Valentine’s Day rose to power is that The Doctor did not stop it.

    TechyDad recently posted Wordless Wednesday: Meeting Ariel in #NewFantasyland.

  244. My mom is a bassoonist. Her web domain is .

  245. Um, I’m kind of currently working out the logistics of how to purchase 352 Valentine’s cards from Walmart and tiptoe around my dorm the weekend before Valentine’s taping cards to every door, possibly including a Hershey’s Kiss if I can figure out how to attach those to doors.

    In early December, I bought thirty boxes of candy canes (12 canes per box, 360 canes total), smuggled them into the dorm, opened the packages, dumped them all into a big reusable Walmart bag, and then tiptoed around the dorm for two nights straight (I had to work the first night so I had to cut my fun short after only the top two floors) candy-caning every door in the dorm.

    Am I a bad person?

    (No. You, my friend? Are awesome. And if you lived in my town I would join you. ~ Jenny)

  246. 248
    Alexis Redmond

    I blame Pinterest. Everyone is an overachiever crafter now. Keeping up with the Joneses is a bitch and highly overrated. That shit won’t fit in their Valentine box. All kids want chocolate or other candy that they can eat while at school and not have to tell Mom or Dad. Dumb overachiever bastards.

  247. I looooaaaathe the unecessary Valentine’s Day hype -______-. However your ideas do bring me a sick type of joy.

    Here’s another suggestion:

    “You’re my sweetheart” thumb tacked to the decaying tooth of someone’s great grandmother Floe.

    Jay recently posted 1,000 Views! ....WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?.

  248. Much as I love me some Pinterest, it has definitely sent a lot of people completely over the edge. When my kids ask why they don’t have homemade Valentine’s and such, my go-to response is, “I’m not that kind of mom.”

  249. i love you with all my heart – taped to a human heart? on the back – “keepin’ it real, bitches.” ;o)

    monica recently posted it's a short list.

  250. I thought about a boxed enema with the message “you make me float right off of my seat”…..too obtuse??

  251. You win Valentine’s Day! Seriously, does she have nothing else to do?! haha

    Vanessa recently posted Those bowling rental shoes are getting better all the time!.

  252. ZOMG! This is the funniest thing I’ve read all week. Thank you.

  253. I am crying with laughter. Every single one of those ideas was PURE GENIUS!!

  254. 257

    Neither my hubby nor I participate in Valentine’s Day. We celebrate our love 365 days a year, not on any single day, especially at the behest of the greeting card companies. We don’t need the calendar to remind us of how much we mean to each other. that is TRUE LOVE.

  255. You really missed the mark on the 5 pound bag of sugar. I was once the recipient of a 50 pound bag of sugar from a coworker for my birthday. Every single time I left my office, that 50 pound bag of sugar was right back in my chair. Every time I left to pee. Every time I had to talk to the boss. It was two weeks before I figured out how to donate it, but my biceps never looked better.

  256. And now to go fishing for dolphin…. :p

    Rebecka recently posted Michigan: Where the Leaves Crunch Louder.

  257. Acknowledging this conversation the month before this dreaded “event” seems sacrilegious in the realm of underachievement 🙁

  258. Anything taped, stapled or hot glued to a stuffed dead anything is a Valentine’s winner. Run with it.

    Denise Malloy recently posted Coming Clean.

  259. 262
    Carol Posta

    Sorry – I’m crafty 🙁

  260. One change: This may sound corny, but you’re the best, attached to a cooked and eaten ear of corn.

    Outside of that, everything is brilliant. You are brilliant. How is it you are so brilliant? I love the way your brain works. Really. A lot.

    Tara recently posted I wish.

  261. I knew there was a reason to keep a bunch of biohazard bags in my craft supplies for something like 7 years.

    “Hey valentine, have some bodily fluids…”

  262. I think I love you all over again…
    That, and “*knock knock, motherfucker*” .
    A very many side-clutching giggles have been done in your honor.
    And I thank you.

    April recently posted When Freezing Happens....

  263. might i add, if you used ROTTEN eggs, they would probably stop encouraging this sort of competition altogether. also, i would spell out your ”no butts about it” card using cigarette butts on a red heart-shaped doily.

  264. I’ve got to brag! The one kid in my boys’ class with the over achiever mom moved away! Now it’s just me and the other slacker moms!

    Amanda R. recently posted Meeting Nature in the City.



    even though we haven’t done valentine’s in a few years (kids are now in *high school*) i may point them to the dr. who downloadable they love that show!

    meg recently posted Growing up should be optional.

  266. Hi hi hi. You may not read this since you have tons ‘o’ fans and about 300 comments on this post alone, but I just wanted to tell you that you really inspire me. I have my own humor blog (Curls and Cusses) that I don’t update nearly enough since I’m trying to do the whole graduate from college thing right now. I love what you do and I always come to your page when I need a swift kick in the ass to write a new post. I hope someday people enjoy my blog as much as they enjoy yours.

    Celia recently posted I never want to be naked in the winter, Cosmo..

  267. My kid’ s school prohibits candy (and sugar in general) so I am totally stealing the rock idea! The headmistress at this Nazi Montessori school is getting an extra big rock with her name on it. SO fitting!
    Love the idea…and you for coming up with it!

  268. Sometimes reading blogs is like opening a can of worms because I’ll be driving around in the mini-van thinking things like:

    “Oh…o.k….Take a pregnancy test and attach the message, “Just taking a ‘pregnant pause’ to tell you, ‘Baby…we can stand the ‘test’ of time.”

    A cigarette with, “I’m not blowing smoke…being without you would be a drag.”

    A blank check with, “Let’s check into forging a new friendship Valentine”

    A checkbook register with “I’m completely out of balance without you”

    A high school trigonometry book with “1m + 1u= Nothing makes sense without u Valentine.”

    Thanks Bloggess for helping me completely space out in the van.

  269. we drew pictures on rocks (they were supposed to be jingle bell rocks, but the kid put the brakes on that) to put in everybody’s stocking thingy for the xmas party. people liked it. but I probably can’t do that for every holiday…

    (grown up) for the ear of corn: wanna shuck?

    Brook recently posted Just Keep Paddling!.

  270. A toad with ‘Have I toad you lately that I love you’

    Ritalin with ‘I’d just spazz out without you Valentine’

    Xanax with ‘I’m on Cloud 9 with you Valentine’.

    Oh dear Lord….make it stop…I’m drugging the theoretical child’s Valentine party. G’Night!

    Andrea recently posted Bust Outta Here.

  271. I was able to giggle through all of your ideas, thanks to the fact that: A) My kid isn’t in Hailey’s class, so I don’t have to worry about her bringing home diseased animals, and B) my kid goes to a private school and half of the other mom’s from her class seem to have a stick up their butts, which a diseased monkey could, just maybe, dislodge (thanks to opposable thumbs).
    Seriously, what is with these uptight mothers? Get a life! I do not have the patience for dealing with them.

  272. You realize where this is heading, don’t you?

    Be mine – attached to a land mine.
    I love you to pieces – attached to a land mine.
    You blow me away – attached to a land mine.
    Don’t step on the land mine – attached to a land mine.

    I beg you to stop before this goes any farther!

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted The New Twitter Mystery Begins! This Week's Amazing Tweets!.

  273. I laughed so hard reading this which I thought that was impossible after sitting thru my friends engagement at a hockey game tonight. Don’t get me wrong I love her but seriously I’m PMSing and I kinda hate her guts today ( I know I sound like a complete bitch BUT the stupid hormonal imbalance going on in my brain is winning right now AND i hate hockey!)
    Anyway thank you for the laughter i feel a lot better now!

  274. First Valentine’s day with the guy who became my husband, I kept telling him no presents because Valentine’s is a crock of shit. He got me a crockpot.

    (And three yellow roses because they’re my favorite and he likes to make me cry.)

  275. How about “Be My Valentine, Baby” stapled to an actual baby? Because, hey, who doesn’t want a free baby? (Almost no one, except maybe Angelina Jolie.)

    RachRiot recently posted You're Welcome, Manuel.

  276. I expect details on how this works out and what method works best. It will be something to remember if I ever have kids.

    Rachel recently posted My Pets!.

  277. Oddly enough, I think I have all those items hanging around my house. Thanks for the gereat Valentine’s Card ideas.

    Your “Bee mine” attached to a paper bag filled with live bees is a CLASSIC!!

    Darcy Perdu recently posted Wrangle Those Bosoms!.

  278. Screw, just get the $2.99 box of valentines from walmart and be done with it.

    Cheryl D. recently posted A New Addition!.

  279. ok, so am i the only one who wants to know if that is the real ‘coery feldmen’ who commented?

  280. Those are all great ideas but you do your child and her lineage (well, at least half of it) a disservice if there isn’t some form of taxidermied animal with every valentine, don’t you think? Who wouldn’t want a dead owl or rabbit over a boulder? And if they wouldn’t, then wouldn’t this be a great experience for them to learn and stretch? You’d be doing your daughter’s whole class a great public service.

  281. I always knew the zombie apocalypse would be started by overachiever crafting moms. You should upgrade your Plan Bee to *killer* bees to save the world.

    SarcasticNinja recently posted It's Tough to Be the Queen - Part 7.

  282. I particularly liked the ziplock bags filled with the dead bugs Sassy with class….or is it classy with sass? I get confused about these things.

    I have never been happier for not celebrating Valentine’s Day, than after reading this post. @_@ Those mamas? Scary!

    I say I’ve never celebrated. That’s a lie. Hubby came home from work that one year with a flower-decorated box of Valentine’s chocolate. His boss had bought them for him and ordered him to give them to me, or, according to the bossman, I’d kick his sorry ass out. We were both equally confused. But the chocolates were tasty 🙂

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Georg, the lap dog.

  283. I am so glad my kids are grown.

    I am extra special glad to get to read your blog to find out what I am not missing.

    I am extra extra special glad to have read about the semen massage. Not glad that it happened mind you, but it made me laugh and feel uncomfortable at the same time. Ha-ha-ha- OMG, that poor woman…hee-hee-hee…oh crapula, that poor pregnant woman…

    Said it before, you rock Jenny.

    PB recently posted News for January.

  284. Live bees!!! Best Valentine ever. Makes me think of that classic Simpsons line, “It says ‘Bee mine’ and there’s a picture of a bee on it!”

    If the Simpsons taught us anything it taught us the importance of not taking Valentines cards so damn seriously.

    Kaitlyn recently posted Travel when you're young.

  285. I think peer pressure is worse for the parents rather than the child! :p I am kind of thankful I studied in an all-girls school…then again, maybe not! 😀
    your valentines though? Kicks ass!!

    Miss Gee recently posted The Gift of Silence.

  286. I have to tell you that you have irrevocably changed me though I am not sure for better or worse. I found your post about Beyonce on pintetest yesterday and have since sat down and read your ENTIRE blog. And even now it is 3 am and although I have finished I am sending links to some of my favorites to people in my phone. I am getting angry replies about it being late but they will thank me when they wake up and see what motherfucking gems they have waiting in their inbox. I hope you take pride knowing everyone from my 14 yr old cousin to my 70 yr old grandmother will be reading tales of giant metal chickens and stuffed weasels all day long. And ps… I need,and by need I mean I might die if I do not get my own little Juanita in my hands. I am still working on my husband. I told him it could be an heirloom for our 8 week old son. He was not amused. But I am. Oh how I am.

  287. How is a bassoon not a horn? I’m like you, I just don’t understand anything any more. These kids these days with their kittens.

  288. I’m sitting here in the hospital and can tell you honestly that your post made my heart race becuase I loved it so much, 98 BPM 😉 Laughing hurts but totally worth it!

  289. And then, to help combat all the zombies wandering around, you’ll have to give out live cloned unicorns with their magical horns to spear the zombies which means the school will be covered in bloody galloping unicorns. What says romance better than that?

    Lynnea L Taylor recently posted Pins, Pins more Pins.

  290. Jenny, as a former bassoonist, I can assure you that the bassoon is, in the broad sense of the word, a “horn.” As in something you put your lips together and blow into. Horns, strings, drums.

    I think Maggie B. is just jealous of the noble bassoon and is sore you chose it for your Valentine. :p

    (And yes, I can also confirm that bassoonists are perpetually horny.)


  291. I’m not sure what’s more awesomesauce: your posts or your commenters!

    I haven’t laughed that hard since. Well. You know. Your last post.

  292. Here is the letter you should send to all the class mothers:


    In an escalation of arms it’s the little people who suffer most. So if you all don’t knock off the “Who’s the best mommy?” craft war I WILL send home valentine kittens this year. That will be my warning shot. The next shot fired will be an entire litter of puppies. You have been warned. A dum dum sucker and a sticker is sufficient. Anything more elaborate will be considered an act of war.

    Trust me – they will thank you.

  293. >>> “You’re a hoot, valentine” stapled to some dead owls <<<

    This one is too, normal… reasonable, even. Let's escalate:

    "You're a hoot valentine" stalpled to some live and VERY ANGRY owls.

  294. I think owl-pellets might be better … no need to climb trees to find dead owls and way more gross as they contain owl spit AND random rodent parts.

    booktoss recently posted Obituary for a Cupcake.

  295. I misread “bassoons” as “baboons”, too! My mind was apparently in the gutter, as I just thought you meant babboons were horny, which is clearly inappropriate for grade-schoolers.

  296. NO! NO! NO! Stop this now. Do not rise to it or get involved. Encouraging your kids to take part in this just turns them in to sad fucked up adults who still send out 50 million christmas/valentines/easter/any other fucking celebration cards in the hope of getting 50 million back so people visiting their house can comment like “Oh wow! look how popular you are!!” And if you don’t send one back, the next year they don’t send you one and eventually you will be like I was this year WITH NO FUCKING CHRISTMAS CARDS and the not receiver will end up feeling really unpopular and unloved and you don’t want that on your concience now do you???? *takes a deep breath* Jenny, move over. I think I need to lay down too.

    Sam Whiteoak recently posted ‘Eat a whole multipack of crisps’ tops recession bucket list.

  297. Wildebeest my valentine?

    (Not hard to figure out.)

  298. That is one hilarious, feverish post. I wish the kids could read it.

    Burns the Fire recently posted Life or Death.

  299. Holy, I do not look forward to these crazy ass moms in the future. I like the flip flop idea. So good.

    Katrina @ Warm Vanilla Sugar recently posted Roasted Balsamic Grapes with Brie.

  300. I just pinned this to Pinterest. I hope it wipes out all of the stupid ideas I see there. I’m tired of women thinking they have to win at every single holiday.

    And I’d have hated getting a ruler as a Valentine when I was a kids.

    Kimberly recently posted One-year workiversary!.

  301. One year, my daughter came home and told me that her best friend had received a visit from the tooth fairy. My daughter then went on to inform me that not only had her friend gotten a dollar from said tooth fairy, but had also received a personalized letter, complete with a picture of her personal tooth fairy.
    Turns out (who knew?) all children are assigned an individual tooth fairy – complete with a name and fascinating back story. I still remember trying not to scream, “FUUUUUCK!!!!” as my daughter tearily asked why her tooth fairy not only never left notes or pictures, but was generally three days late in remembering to drop off the money.
    Thanks overachieving, Mom! Now my daughter thinks her tooth fairy is part of a work-release program and drinks.

  302. “I want you tuba mine.” Attached to a sousaphone. 😀

  303. I read bassoons as baboons…gives a whole other meaining to “Oh, me so horny”.

  304. 307
    Mindy (mother-flippin-shut-cho-mouf) Rimer

    Valentine’s Day also happens to be my husband’s birthday, so many of these would be for an adult. Most of these are OFFENSIVE, so if you currently have a stick up your ass, stop reading now.

    “You are smokin hot” written on a pack of cigarettes and lighter
    “Your love is infectious” stapled to a condom
    “I’m crazy about you” taped to an Rx bottle of lithium
    “Stuck on you, Valentine” attached to a tube of superglue
    “You are pretty as a picture” written on dozens of Polaroid pictures that look stalker-esque
    “You are special” on a helmet packaged in bubble wrap
    “I’ve only have eyes for you” in a box of human eyeballs
    “You drive me nuts” with a fake ID taped to a bag of peanuts
    “Hey, I heard you are a fun guy” wrapped around a can of anti fungal spray and a dirty jock strap
    “Because you’re mine, I walk the line” on mini breathalyzer
    “You take the cake, Valentine” written in icing on a cake with a footprint in the middle
    “You’re the only one for me” written on a bottle of Chloroform wrapped up in a rag
    “The world is brighter because the sun shines out of your ass, Sweetheart” wrapped up with a mini flashlight and tube of Astroglide.
    “You’re a knockout” taped to a pamphlet about domestic violence
    “All you need is love” stapled to a bag of dead Beatles
    “You hold the key to my heart” on a keychain with a small animal heart attached
    “Without you, I’d be blue… balled” Baggie of used Kleenex and bottle of lotion.
    “I couldn’t survive without you” written on a cooler with kidneys inside
    “So, now that you’re knocked up” (open the card) “Will you be my Valentine?”

    I could do this shit all day. I warned you that many would be offensive.

  305. I’m so glad you posted this post before Valentine’s Day… because I plan to sleep right trough it and I would have totally missed this and not have been able to make design my card “do you want a ‘bat’ on the back (of your head), Valentine? Then you better bring me flowers on April 8th because that’s my birthday.”

    Debby recently posted Complications..

  306. You make me feel better. It’s not that I’m against class parties for every fricking holiday on the calendar, but it’s all the time and effort that goes into them. These are just kids (I have one of my own) – why do they need cupcakes that look like mini masterpieces and a whole bag of favors to take home for me to have to dig out from under the couch and step on in the middle of the night? I like keeping it simple. All the fancy ass crap can come later in life when they actually appreciate it (and they can spend the time and effort on it). Besides, how will they ever learn to appreacite the simple things in life? A little paper valentine from walmart that their classmate took a little time to seal shut with a sticker should mean more than a handmade card with a egocentric photo on it that the kid never even knew about until SuperMommy was finished with it. gah…

  307. I think the “I’m good but you’re Beta” should be attached to one of those baggies containing a Beta fish.

    Because once the kids bring them home, the over-achieving Moms will need to run out to buy a fish bowl, colored rocks, water plants, underwater castles, and fish food.

    Sue recently posted My personality matches my dog's breed.

  308. I am surely glad that I’m not the only sick puppy who immediately thought of a real heart.

    But they do make them out of chocolate. Which I once gave to a lover. Who was creeped out by a gift that “could have been given by Peter Lorre”.

    Comrade Misfit recently posted Anti-Oxidants-- Nah.

  309. I’ll totally take the one with the bag of sugar. I can always use more sugar!!

  310. I am 80% confident that this post may be used against you in a court of law someday…


    Kevin recently posted The Mona and Joyce Show Episode 10 - David Beckham & The Virgin Mary.

  311. This made my day!!! Thank you so much, I thought it was just my school that had these crazy bitches!

  312. “I’m great, but you’re beta” stapled to a stack of obsolete Beta movies
    Tape a dead beta fish to the stack?

  313. I SO needed this laugh today. I felt like a slacker for not taping candy to the store bought valentine cards. I am totally buying yours because they are just that awesome. 🙂

    HeatherB recently posted This is TMI-You have been warned!.

  314. A warning to anyone reading this: DO NOT READ WHILE DRINKING. You might short out your computer monitor.

  315. How about “you float my boat” attached to a bunch of used wine corks.

    Nikki recently posted Curly hair is complicated, but Justin it is OK to be straight.

  316. The way i look at it some people have way too much time on their hands. Maybe they just love their children more than i do? Something to think about.

  317. Loved this! Made me snort out my sweet tea. Luckily it only dribbled down my shirt and didn’t get all in my keyboard… haha! My kids aren’t even in school yet… I hate to think of where we will be in 2-3 years… giving away motor bikes? Will that be the standard? Cuz my kids will be hated. They will be giving out a mini candy bar and a walmart card… and maybe a special gift to the teacher… or their crush… but that’s IT! lol

  318. My kid is s-c-r-e-w-e-d because I’m not all into all that competitive stuff so I would just have my kid hand out $10 bills and put on the card…”I just bought your love, you are welcome” You know cause….I’m lazy and shit.

    Jenn recently posted Apparently My Messenger Bag Has Hands.

  319. 322
    Jessica Stevens

    Just for you Jenny – I found these free, printable Doctor Who Valentine’s Day cards… Definitely the route I’m taking this year.

    (Ooh. Happy Valentine’s Day to me. ~ Jenny)

  320. All far more creative than I plan to get … i’ll be the mom who sends those crappy cards you buy. I probably won’t even put the class names on them… meh 🙂

    Devan McGuinness recently posted 8 Phrases You Should Stop Being Afraid to Say to Your Kids.

  321. The jar full of bees is the best. Though the full jug of water had me giggling the most.
    Funny stuff.

    The Cheeky Daddy

    Jason recently posted When There's No Baby Sling.

  322. Looks like some good fodder for 🙂
    So hard not to laugh out loud in the very quiet cube farm…

  323. Our BONKERS elementary school does this “Special Events” thing once a year. It is where the school picks a country or region to highlight, like India, and then decorate the WHOLE DAMN front hallway in crafty-themed-mini-movie-a-shit-load-of glue-tape-time-effort. The finished project goes on for a week (with special events every day) and each grade has their on section to decorate. You can tell it is “special events” time of the year by all the huddled masses of CRAZED Mom’s who are discussing plans and dividing up the work load. WTF!!! I just figure that the other Mom(s) who are standing and staring at the freaking UBER MOMs (or crazy crafters or holy shit balls she has sniffed to much glue) is the easier way to figure out who have a morning drop off beer with. After two kids and six years of this, to hell with coffee and bagels.

    I say Beer and chips and salsa for all!!!

    PS. I confess that I did make paper grass ONCE. After the obviously crappy crafty job I did, I was not asked back the next year. So SAD!!! WINK!!!

  324. “Bee(r) Mine” attached to a can of beer. Because there’s nothing wrong with extending naptime.

  325. 328
    Brattus Rattus

    Fuck all of this.

    How about a post it note with “My mom said she has a life” written on it?

  326. I feel like such a troll for writing this, but once a band geek, always a band geek…..bassoons are woodwinds…not horns.

    Shame on me for pointing it out, but I clearly couldnt control myself.

  327. Oh, there’s one of those moms in every class, and I say you’re right, the one in my daughter’s class must be taught a lesson. Oh, look at all those dead bugs in my light fixtures!

  328. I think you’d be an unforgettable Valentine’s Day, date, Jenny!
    You could be a kick-ass companion to some lucky guy’s Doctor…

  329. You should move to the UK. Valentines day here is still a holiday for couples. Grown up ones. There is none of this shit of first graders bringing home 26 valentines cards.

  330. Lying down is always a good idea. Bed rest is the secret solution to most of the world’s problems. Including holidays that you don’t get off work but still have to buy cards for. Like Valentine’s Day (Feb 14) or my birthday. (June 20).

    Jami recently posted Going for a record.

  331. “You spin me right round baby right round” attached to a hamster ball with a mean, rabid hamster in it. But make sure they’re really old so they die in like a month. Just long enough for the kids to get attached.

    Czaja! recently posted Happy Valentine’s Day. If you’re into that type of thing..

  332. Overachievers suck.

  333. I like the cat hair suggestion. I mean, come on, it’s not like you have a shortage of that. But I think the card should read “You’re the purr-fect Valentine.”

    Now if I only I could come up with one for dog hair. That’s what I have a lot of. “No bones about it. You’re the pawfect Valentine.”???

    OMG, then you could attach Milkbones and it’s a Valentines AND a snack. I’m almost 0.999% certain there’s no reason a kid couldn’t eat a Milkbone…

  334. For the revenge valentines, “You’re sharp!” taped to a Sharpie. Especially for the pre-K class. Can you imagine what 15 4-year olds can do with all those sharpies?

    (and I’m only bringing this up because I’ve received the comment 129 letter a bazillion times this year.)

  335. Dang, I mean the comment 130 letter. I have not yet received a letter reminding me that bassoons are, in fact, woodwinds (although I expect to receive one any day now).

  336. I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks! I love it… I know how you feel, my husband is one of those people who is so good at everything he ever tries to do that it gets aggravating and occasionally even makes me mad. I usually don’t vent my frustrations though as well as you did.

    This was my first visit here. I rarely can truthfully say this, but it definitely won’t be the last!

    Laney recently posted EGAN Medical to Offer Holiday Discounts for Expecting Moms.

  337. I feel the same way about the birthday party gift bag. And, I love your ideas for Valentine’s Day!!!

    Ninian recently posted Yuck, Ads!.

  338. Dear Jenny,

    Can I call my blog ‘Not Nearly As Funny As Jenny, But With The Occasional Laugh?’ No? Well, it was worth a shot. Anyway, my favorite was: “You’re a hoot, valentine” stapled to some dead owls

    Not sure why I liked this one so much except “hoot” cracks me. I was also thinking that there’s a very good chance you can combine Valentine’s Day with Easter on that raw egg one. Just boil those suckers, throw a little of that dye in there with them *poof* TWO holidays down, mutha-luvas.

    Allison Merritt recently posted Book Feature - Sweet Prairie Passion.

  339. I love Valentine’s Day. It’s my birthday – every year! 🙂

  340. LMAO Sweet! I should get a t-shirt at wholesale for being the slogan inventor. LOLOL

  341. i soooo want to do some of these! and i love that i’m not the only one that can take a seemingly harmless situation (kids exchanging valentines) and figure out how it will somehow lead to the zombie apocalypse 😉

  342. Actually, the sugar idea is kind of cool – you could do it with packets of sugar, stolen from restaurants. But that would involve premeditation. maybe it would be easier to steal flip-flops for the first idea?

    Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food recently posted Announcing: An Amnesty Program.

  343. Could always do up simple cards that say “My mom says I’m too young to date and too young to know yet which way I swing, so either way I am not allowed to give Valentines. Happy Thursday”

  344. I have not laughed this much in a long time! I am making my sons valentines day cards as we ..type.. and yes Im aware that its 3 weeks out. You are so funny! Thank you for making my day 🙂

  345. Okay, I hate to admit it but the rock thing? Totally doing it this year! My kid is nuts for rocks and this will at least get rid of 20 of them out of his collection. roflmao

  346. Will you move the next post link to the top of your page? I don’t get to read your blog every day so sometimes I have to play catch up. I have to scroll ALL the way through all the comments on my phone.

    (If I was smart enough to know how to do that I totally would. But the good news is that the comments are usually funnier than the posts so I’m probably doing you a favor by making you read them. ~Jenny)

  347. I wote the bag full of bees!

    Agnes recently posted People watching.

  348. As a Stampin’ Up! demonstrator, I resemble your comment! (Nothing like a little Rodney to make everyone groan… ) I think I should make hand stamped valentines and THEN staple them to dead stuff. To cover all the bases…

  349. Instead of the beta tape, what about super glued to a beta fish…that is what those poor little disposable fishes are called right? The ones that people isolate in weird pots on their desks, because if they actually put two of them together they violently kill the other one…yeah, that sounds Valentine’s Day appropriate to me. 🙂

    Cecily recently posted Yes, I Am Kind of Inviting Pain….

  350. Good luck finding a five lb. bag of sugar. They’re all 4lbs, and a gallon of bleach is no longer a gallon. Damn tricksy grocery stores.

  351. When my father was in high school in the early 60s, he was apparently a real smart-ass (in a good way.) One year in February he decided to make a big stink about how just because he and his classmates were in high school, it didn’t mean they shouldn’t get the chance to exchange valentines. There’s a whole long story about this, but basically he staged a protest outside the school district administration building and called the newspaper and stuff, and eventually he got them to have “Joe’s Valentines Box” where all the kids were able to address valentines to each other and then drop them in this pink decorated box, from which they would be handed out. He also made it tie in to some kind of charity event, I think a fund that provided milk to poor children, by having people put a donation in the box along with their cards. Anyway, I guess that’s kind of an overachiever thing to do, but I think he mostly did it (initially) just to be a trouble-maker!

    Also, add me to the list of people who read it as “baboon.”

  352. 355
    cupcake pajama party

    my friend’s daughters class won’t be celebrating Valentine’s Day this year. They will be having a Friendship Festival. So, what the hell is wrong with Valentine’s Day? Is it politically, racially or religiously incorrect?

    Too far, people. You’re going too far.

  353. This sure did make me laugh!! Thank you…

    Jennifer recently posted My Dislike of Michigan Weather Makes Me Want to Fly South.

  354. Yep, read it as “baboon” too …wow…automatic mental image of a baboon butt included…But most importantly Jenny, yes to everything you said! And fuck those fucking overachievers. In fact, let’s sic the zomb- no… wait… the kittens! Yes, let’s sic the sick, mewling, diarrhea squirting, full 90 kitten head count on them. (And I too, mean that in a good way).

    Also my Val -Day card pitch: “Cleave to my heart” complete with cow heart (or any available heart) with jauntily placed meat cleaver and artistic arterial spray.

    Just finished your book. “Nook” thought I’d like it based on my previous choices, and turns out, “Nook” was right. Hope you are busy working on the next one! I can’t wait!

  355. K, someone may have said this – I’m like comment 432 or something so I didn’t bother to read all above. Sorry. Okay – I love the ideas but if you are going to use a syringe shouldn’t the catch line be ‘I’m stuck in you’? Just sayin. I know they’re kids so maybe that’s the g rated version and parents get to figure out the innuendo like a Pixar cartoon. That’s it isn’t it?

    Lisa recently posted Thinking about you..

  356. >>> “I’m great, but you’re beta” stapled to a stack of obsolete Beta movies<<

    Or you could tape it to a fish bowl full of beta fish. 🙂 Now I'm going to go lie down.

    carol anne recently posted After the Light & Before the Darkness, there is Color.

  357. I read baboon also, LOL, it made sense…..I cried laughing at these comments!

  358. Bassoons?

  359. so much better than Hallmark

    Vivian recently posted Puff puff and no Magic Dragon.

  360. Love this post! I feel like we’re on the same wave length here -I’ve even dabbled in greeting cards myself, I call them WTF Greeting cards. How about adding “Urine my heart, Valentine!” written on a mason jar filled with fresh pee?

    Kim recently posted Free Advice Friday – Bickering Bettys.

  361. Oh, Dear Bloggess, I love you! Not just on Valentine’s Day Either, but every day. I am home sick with a migraine today, and this post just made me laugh so hard I nearly threw up. But it was worth every heaving minute of it. Don’t ever change. Even if your husband looks at you weird. Like my husband does every time I start guffawing over one of your posts. You’re the bestest ever. 🙂 <3

  362. Horns can be made of wood!

  363. 366

    Our vet has a sign that reads “Unattended children will be given an espresso and a puppy”. I have never seen a single unattended child. So, espresso would be hard – but Starbucks makes these really delish Frappacino’s in bottles. Each kid gets one. And you adopt 30 rescue dogs from the local pound. Game over.

  364. I’ve never understood the need to incorporate young children in the Valentine’s day insanity. I mean we’re basically forcing them to tell ALL their classmates that they love them, how is that healthy? And yeah some moms are just assholes and have to be awesome all the time while the rest of us can only manage to be awesome maybe 1 day every 364 days.

    Angela recently posted Give a germophobe a ‘sanitize’ setting and look out!.

  365. This guy? Puts way more work into his Valentines than I could…

    The “gruesome” there in the link? Isn’t really a joke. The bears are pretty…um…zombied out.

  366. I am from Oklahoma, where it is totally normal to have a 12 year old at the age of 33, but live in the East Village of Manhattan, where you are *apparently* required to be retired, with loads of free time on your hands, before you even *think* of giving birth. I efficiently shut down the Valentine’s day Home-maker Massacre, as I so lovingly call it, by pointing out that asking our kids to give valentines that are essentially gifts by saying they encourage earlier sexualisation. Look, assholes, I am doing this on my own while being a medical resident.
    Let it never be said that I didn’t earn the title I have at home of The Fun Killer.
    Mum WIN.

  367. I was laughing so hard my son asked me what I was reading… so I read that last paragraph to my soon-to-be 12 year old son and he was laughing so hard he cried… maybe it was inappropriate to read it to him, but now he is brainstorming ideas he can make… he likes the zombie theme… help me…

  368. Just another way for me to be thankful my kids are in college. Been there, done that. No presents, ever.

    Laurie F. recently posted singing the icy cold blues.

  369. I think that you’re missing out on a passion and a teaching opporitunity. It’s family taxidermy night. Send Hailey out in the woods with a shotgun and tell her to come back with some squirrels. Think how popular your daughter would be and how jealous the other mothers will be when you show up with a box of dead squirrels to show that your “Nuts about you, Valentine!”

  370. Mindy (mother-flippin-shut-cho-mouf) Rimer- AWESOME Valentines. 😀

  371. Now that my friend, is creative. I love it.

  372. This is why I don’t attend Christmas cookie exchanges any more. It all became a world-class championship beatdown to see who out-Martha Stewarted the rest of the group with the most elaborate cookies. Why do women do this to each other? Get over it all and lighten the f*ck up. If ever I’m drunk enough to attend a cookie exchange again, I’m throwing a pack of Oreos on the table and they can just deal with that. Now, where’s the refreshment table? Mama needs a little punch.

    Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted Comment on Welcome, Downsized Living Magazine Readers!.

  373. I don’t recall getting elaborate homemade valentines as a kid. whatever happened to going to the drugstore and getting a box of valentines emblazoned with the popular kids entity of the day on them and being done with it?

  374. Jenny, the only thing I can say is I love you in a very girly crush kind of way.

    Thanks for making me laugh at a HORRIBLE time in my life!

    Chelle recently posted Into Every Life, A Puppy Must Come.

  375. So you’ll tape stuff to dead owls but missed the opportunity to attach the “I’m Great, You’re Beta” do a dead fish?

  376. I now have the desire to go get a 2×4.

    We’re never “board” with you!

  377. OMG those women. I hate hate hate those women. What the hell do they do all day? And their birthday parties for the children are even more intimidating than the Valentine’s Day cards. Oh and the Boxes FOR the Valentine’s Day cards. They have tremendously creative birthday ideas (e.g. renting out the movie theater to take the kids to see the movie before it actually opens. HOW THE HELL DID SHE DO THAT?) My kid was lucky for me to remember that he HAD a birthday. Present: You and your three pals are allowed to sleep outside on the trampoline. Dad will sleep outside on this Walmart Daybed (I know, I know, Walmart is EVIL. It is the only thing I have ever bought there and I got it online because it was only 300.00 compared to the 1200.00 at Target). The Walmart Outdoor Daybed is about 5′ 8″ long. Lucky Dad. I hate those women. Their husbands are rich. They don’t have to work – at ANYTHING – as they (at least where I live) have housekeepers and personal trainers. They lunch. Their bodies look fucking fantastic. And they all had their children in their 20’s. I had my kid when I was 37. I HATE those women.

  378. Not dead owls, owl pellets- it is like science, gross and fun all at once.

  379. I apologize if anyone said this already. I scrolled through the list but kept getting distracted by things like “Rabbit’s covered in honey.”
    I think you should give out gardening shovels and say, “Be my ho’.” No offense to ho’s worldwide.

  380. Hehe, yeah, I’m one of those women you would love to hate. That’s OK, I love you anyway!

    Stephenie recently posted The Lorax Birthday Party.

  381. Make sure to shake the bag of live bees first…

    Brooke recently posted Denver Wedding Photography – Wedding Wars Bridal Show – Parisian Glam Decor.

  382. Dammit. I want to share this on Facebook. Because it is that damn funny. But I can’t find anything that says “share on Facebook” on here and seriously, this is taking alot of effort. But, just so you know, this is hilarious. And so true.

  383. OMG I can’tn stop laughing. Yes – it is getting absolutely ridiculous. My kids’ valentines for their classrooms were purchased on sale at CVS. And they will be fine.


    Michele C. recently posted Well-Being Wednesday/Thursday – 1/23/13 #wbw.

  384. HAHAH the water bottle! Such a great idea!

  385. I know what I’m putting on our work water cooler for Valentine’s Day. Thank you. Thank you very much.

    thoughtsappear recently posted I Believe I Can Fly.

  386. LMFAO I haven’t laughed at a blog post like this in quite some time. Therefore, you’ve already made my Valentines Day noteworthy. 😉 Thanks for your witty contributions to the blogosphere.


    Jules of Canines & Couture

  387. O.K. I am a total idiot. I first read the “oh. me so horny”card as being taped to a baboon, so imagine my confusion when someone posted that a ‘bassoon’ isn’t a horn but that you COULD tape the valentine card to a french horn. Now I am totally confused. I thought this site was supposed to make me laugh instead of making me feel stupid. I’m going to wash my hair now.

  388. 391
    Leigh Spencer

    How about “I’ll never TIRE of you!” printed inside some treads rescued from the side of the highway?

  389. And THIS is why I’m glad my kids are grown and I don’t need to deal with Valentine’s Day and teacher gifts and stuff. Oy, the pressure.

    leslie (crookedstamper) recently posted CAS2 Homework, Days 1 & 2.

  390. No Jenny, Bassoons are woodwind instruments played with a double reed. English Horns, sometimes erroneously called Horns, are also woodwind instruments played with a double reed. Also, occasionally trombones and trumpets are referred to as horns… but that’s wrong too. =) Now, I play French Horn and as such I totally feel like I can say, with complete authority, that the only real horn is the French horn. Which, incidentally enough, isn’t French at all. As a side note, the ‘old world’ name for bassoon is the ‘faggott’. Nice.

    We used to laugh about that in music school. Because we are nerds.

    Ha – confusing enough? =)
    P.S. I still love you!

    Maggie B. recently posted {dysfunctional ramble}.

  391. I’m sorry you think we are in competition with you at school, via our children. We make these valentines with our children as a learning experience. We are not trying to make any other moms or parents feel like they needed to also create homemade valentines. As my child is highly allergic to bees, I don’t find your comments very funny.

  392. If you are going to really step it up, screw the kittens. Give out baby sloths.

  393. This is just so damn hilarious I peed myself reading it! I triple dog dare you to DO IT. Any of it.

    Kim @ LiaH recently posted Super Bowl Sunday - Time to Munch!.

  394. LOL. Loving the bees one, very funny. Can’t stop laughing. Thanks for making my day.



    Jayson Lecuyer recently posted Northampton Massachusetts Wedding Photography at Look Memorial Park.

  395. I’m a mom who likes to bring the craft for class parties or bake or make decorations or chair events. I do it because it is fun and because I can. I enjoy making things and watching other people enjoy them too. I don’t do them to show up other parents. My son often helps and gives input which is great because sometimes it’s hard to connect with a 10 year old boy. I don’t play MineCraft and I throw like a girl. When I worked 60+ hour weeks to take care of us, I’d send in valentines from Kmart and bags of grapes and was glad someone else was there to help them glue googly eyes on wooden hearts. You may look down on us to feel better about yourselves but I’ve never once heard the other moms y’all call “overachievers” complain about hating the parents who can’t or don’t do these things.

  396. love this article, i peed laughing. however a bassoon is no horn

  397. I found these and thought of you.

    From Neatorama.

  398. Oh My god this is hysterical. I am now following you on twitter.

    Here I thought I was going to get some cute Valentine’s day ideas for my hubby, but this is WAYYYY better. Cried laughing. At work. Coworkers think I’m crazy. Oh wait – I am.

    Cat recently posted Snowboarding 2013.

  399. Personally, we have chosen pencils with hearts on them. My five year old son is going to write in a calligraphic font “you give me a heart on.” My other idea involved having to bake muffins and I am just not that kind of mom.

  400. 404
    Robyn Woodbury Kimmel

    This is THE funniest thing EVER!!!! I am crying and almost choked on my oatmeal squares as I laughed and laughed at this. I am almost done with your book, which makes me sad because I feel like when it’s over I will have lost my bff.
    Thanks for being so being so freaking awesome!!!!!!

  401. u need moar critters:

    “I can’t bear to be without you”
    “I’m never boar-ed with you”
    “Let’s goat together”
    “My heart soars when I’m with you” (Bird of choice)
    “They call it puppy love” (Oh no I’ve gone too far… or have I?)

  402. I would be legitimately happy to receive a flamethrower as a valentine.
    If I had children, I would not want them to have a flamethrower. Which I’m sure is the point.
    But that last one made me legitimately happy and I just wanted to point that out. :3

  403. 407

    Penelope, take a deep breath and realize that this is NOT ABOUT YOU.

  404. You’re Juan in a million. Not sure what you could staple it to.

    Sharon recently posted Struggles.

  405. How about “Hope your valentine’s day is full of adventure”? Attached to a knife and a map…

  406. I don’t think a bassoon is technically a “horn” is it? So it would have to be taped to a trombone or a trumpet.

    You could tape “I love your wood (wind)” to a bassoon

  407. How about deer testicles with, “Honey, you drive me ‘NUTS’!”

  408. BTW I did take the 2×4 suggestion and gave it to him tonight. I wasn’t so sure if he would appreciate the humor but he did! Thank you for making my VDay such a funny one. Of course I had to give it to him a day early because it was too funny and JUST HAD TO SHOW HIM!

  409. You have Beta movies hanging around your house, don’t you. Otherwise, why on earth would you think of the Beta movies line…Valentine.

    My Valentine is giving me a box of chocolates and a gift certificate for Jenny Craig. How cute.

  410. You make me love sick (Attached to fake vomit)

    mousebert recently posted A thought for the day.

  411. Yup. I did this. I took your advice and applied it to my husband. Over the past few days I’ve been leaving little pink heart with your phrases on them. “Oh me so horny” taped to his steering wheel (get it… car horn…), “Give me some sugar” on the sugar dispenser, “You’re HOT” On the hair dryer… and so on. 🙂 He called me a nerd and laughed. Exactly what I was looking for. 🙂

  412. I officially love you.
    That is all.

  413. So I totally stole your idea of “I’m never BOARD with you” and added “WOOD you be my Valentine?” Written on a 4 foot long plank and gave it to my boyfriend for Valentine’s day. He loved it. I took a picture which I was going to email to you, but I couldn’t find your email.

  414. My mom told me that my 4th grade classmates would appreciate homemade Valentines more than the store bought ones with chocolate. Turns out, giving hearts with lettuce taped to them saying “Lettuce be together” isn’t something 4th graders appreciate.

  415. This is now a traditional, ritual, annual valentine’s reading.

  416. OMG, you just totally gave me VDay ideas for people I dislike. Cat litter is the best one!

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  418. Abpi”.).).’))(

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