We're all going to Hell, but at least we'll be together.

in Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap

This weekend I went to this flea market and I bought a cloak that I thought would be perfect for role-playing Lord of the Rings/Game of Thrones.  Then I found a tag sewn inside and realized that it probably belonged to the Pope.  I can only assume that he decided he needed to unload some of his vestments to pay for retirement.  Regardless, I think this means that I’m the new Pope.  Or that I’m running for Pope.  Something like that.

There are stains all around the hip line, which I hope is wine. Probably it was just sprinkler water and the Pope was like “Ah well, it’s only water” and then Jesus turned it into wine and the Pope was like “JESUS. THAT STOPPED BEING FUNNY THE 100th TIME YOU DID IT” and Jesus was like “Just wait.  It’ll come back around again.”

Technically it looks like a RenFest costume…until you turn around:

Yes, it's a cross, but in my defense I thought it was a giant "t" for "The Game of Thrones." Or "Mr. T." One of those.

Regardless, I think that I’m now the official Pope until the new one gets elected and I’m pretty sure that I get paid in hats, which is great because I totally have a face for hats.  Plus (unlike the last Pope) I won’t just join twitter and immediately get distracted and stop working, because I’m already good at not working but still pretending to work.  Also, I’d get to ride in the Pope-mobile, which is like a convertible that has a see-through top so your hair doesn’t get fucked up and you still get a tan.  Which is pretty smart and probably my favorite thing the Pope has ever invented.  Plus, if I run for Pope lots of religious people will be praying a ton.  Mostly about me not needing to be elected Pope.  And possibly some just praying for my soul.  So I just raised prayer rates and I DON’T EVEN HAVE A HAT YET.  That’s how awesome I am at being Pope.  I’m not even trying and already Jesus is probably super inundated with work.  Which he loves.   Because he’s not on twitter.

PS.  I need some slogans for my posters.  Because I’m pretty sure you run for Pope the same way you run for student council and that’s what I would have done if I wasn’t so high shy.  I’m thinking something like “Jenny for Pope.  She’s got issues but the last Pope was in the Hitler Youth so maybe stop judging her, asshole.”  Or something with ninjas.  People love ninjas.

314 thoughts on “We're all going to Hell, but at least we'll be together.”

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  1. It’s so pretty! Definitely popelike. Hmmm..slogan? “I’ll Protect Taxidermists, Not Child Molesters!”

    It doesn’t rhyme, but….

  3. You know, if someone did find a cape that had once belonged to the pope at a flea market, it would probably be you. Also, I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Since it could be from one of those old dead popes, and so it’s probably haunted.

  5. I’m pretty sure you’re not meant to find them at flea markets at all… which means God wanted you to run for Pope! “Jenny for Pope, because God said so!”

  6. Jenny for Pope. After two-thousands years of men fucking up religion, let’s give her a chance at it!

  7. You should SO be the Pope! You’d be the best Pope ever. At least the funniest. I don’t think there has ever been a funny Pope. Nope, I’m sure of it.

  10. Perhaps you can simply be the Ninja Pope? Also, see if you can get Prada to make you a couple pairs of those shoes – they look way comfy.

  11. Jenny for pope. I mean honestly, can she do worse than the ones that went before her? (correct answer: no)

  15. Hahaha it looks like a reeeally stained version of the robes used during Lent.

  16. Pat Robertson, the grifter from a competing organization, strongly recommends that you pray to exorcise the demons from out your used clothing before you put it on.
    Obviously this information is too late to save you from demon possession.

  18. MR. T SEZ: I PITY THE FOOL WHO DON’T HAVE A MUTHAFUCKIN’ CLOAK. POPE BE EMBARRASSED AS HELL TO BE DRESSED WORSE THAN ME.

  24. Zombies. There must be zombies. I mean, Jesus kind of qualified, being raised from the dead and all. You never know.. maybe you could get a cameo appearance on “The Walking Dead”, too. If you do, you totally have to kiss Daryl. You’re welcome 😉

  25. Again I say we live in pretty much the same area I find shitty toys from Mexico you find the Pope’s old cape really! Stop buying all the cool stuff or at least share the details on where all the good flea markets are cuz I always leave disappointed and empty handed

  26. Maybe something with zombies…. or avoiding the zombie apocalypse? That’s a good theme, but possibly less catchy than ninjas.

  27. I’m worried that Pope B gave that to the yard sale because he peed on it too much. Which also might be the reason he quit as Pope. Your slogan: “I look awesome in red shoes”.

  28. “Jenny for Pope. Vote for her or she’ll send ninjas after you when you least expect it. Also, hats.”

  29. Please wear that to your reading this Tuesday in Paramus…that would just be fantastical!

  31. If I had not renounced my Catholicism and decided to maybe consider joining the Temple of the Jedi, I would totally vote for you to be Pope. Personally, I think the cardinals decide by sitting in the Conclave and playing a tournament of “Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock” until there’s only one poor guy left.

  32. I didn’t think I could love you more… but I do. 🙂 Jenny for Pope! That would definitely be enough to turn me Catholic. 🙂

  34. Jenny for Pope! I think you would make a much better Pope than this last guy. Oh, and Jesus is on twitter @jesushchrist. I don’t follow him but had to look when you mentioned he wasn’t there.

  35. I would totally vote for you as Pope! Put an end to the catholic church’s war against LGBT people!

  37. Oh my God, you are actually wearing a priest’s vestment. Might be from a bishop. You bought this thing? I thought they couldn’t sell blessed objects. Clearly someone is breaking some rules. I have some altar linens and a collection basket if you need them….

  38. I’m remembering my Pope formal education from Catholic School and I think there might have been a woman Pope at one point. So you’re probably a shoe in.

  39. I want to know what the tag in the robe said that changed your perception of its origins – “Made in VC”? “Machine wash warm with like colors in blessed holy water”?

  41. “She only Twitters when she’s on the shitter. JENNY FOR POPE.”

    “Jenny for Pope because God thinks she’s dope.”

    Why do I feel like campaign posters need to rhyme?

  45. Pope Jenny will wash away your sinny.. no
    Jenny for Pope is our only hope.
    There’s not a lot that rhymes with Bloggess.. or Papal.. Fuck this is hard.

  46. Jenny for Popette: The Tighter the Mitre, the Sweeter the Peter. (I have no idea what that means. I really need to stop drinking in the afternoon).

  47. The first openly female pope. ‘Bout time chick popes came out of the papal walk-in. Pretty sure the last one got stoned, though…and not in the good way.

  48. Maybe something like “Vote Jenny! Cuz her ‘pope-ry’ smells divine!”

  49. I would so vote you in as pope. And I’m not even a Cardinal. Wait, I’m not even Catholic

  50. Laughing out loud. Not to be redundant, but you are awesome! Jenny. For pope! Her sweet ninja skills are pope-a-licious!

  52. Now that you have the Popemobile at your disposal you to develop more Pope stuff like the Popearang, Popeboat, and Pope Shark repellent just like Batman only Popeiler.

  54. Jenny for Pope! Offering a nice selection of cheeses with the bread and wine.

  56. I always figured you could find out the truth about the whole transubstantiation thing by trying to wash out communion wine. If it comes out in cold water it was blood; if it comes out in hot water it was still grape juice.

    Of course, I don’t invited to wash sacramental vestments much, so I still haven’t had the chance to try it 🙂

  58. I would totally vote for you to be pope!!

    The slogans are cracking me up!!

  59. “Jenny for Pope because she has common sense and loves old dead things so she’ll love the hell out of Vatican City. Which is good because then there won’t be any hell there anymore.” It’s lengthy, but I like the idea.

  60. I know “we” don’t get to vote for the next pope, but if we did, I would totally vote for you. The Christians need to start focusing on things that don’t involve sexual scandals. Like nail polish made specifically for cats, small (but ethical) taxidermy, and cereal for dinner.

  62. Your slogan for Pope, ahem, “Go forth and spread the word of Jenny, motherfuckers.”

  68. Vote Jenny for Pope, and she will lead you to the (Lady) Garden of Eden.

  69. A pope with hope.

    This pope is dope.

    A mo’ betta pope.

    The Bloggess, southern fried pope.

    Pope this, mutherfuckers.

  70. my favorite is:

    Pope this, mutherfuckers.

    it’s very modern and it’s time the catholic church kicked it up a few centuries, don’t you think?

  71. “Vote Jenny for Pope! Or the ninjas and zombies will get you! But it’s okay, she can totally save us from that!”
    If your Pope, can you approve of that whole cloning thing? I’d like my own Nathan Fillion, please. kthxbai

  73. The Real Popes of Texas. You are Pope-u-lar. The Popelarette -an amazing journey to find the next Pope! That cape would look great as you dance with one of your choices on the one on one date. With a young virgin Franciscan monk…..

  74. How about the slogan, “Vote for Jenny. All refreshment, no pope-ish after taste”? Or does that sound dirty? And turning water stains into wine stains? Totally a dickbag Jesus move.

  76. You have my vote! Except that I’m not on the pope election committee or council or whatever… and I’m not actually catholic… in fact I’m not even close to being catholic, or religious… Well, for what it’s worth, you still have my vote!

  80. Jenny for Pope – she knows the real story behind Eve, the apple & the Lady Garden of Eden.

  81. I’m going with, “Like Mother Teresa, only better.” (It’s worked for all these years, plus she’s a Catholic saint now, isn’t she?)

    Or maybe, “The new Pope Bloggess mass: holy communion just got slushier!”

  83. Didn’t pat Robertson warn us all about buying sweaters from Goodwill because most of them come with demons and this I swear is not made up. All I have to say about your cape is the bag probable has some antidemon saint things with it. I am so jealous. You find everything good. It even has wine stains. Please tell us how great it is when you wear it next. Much love.

  84. forget slogans! what would your Pope name be?? cause you’re supposed to change your name when you become Pope…

  88. “The Bloggess for Pope – because God says so!” – which is what I hear, in my head, all the time…

  89. That would go great with the red shoes. But doesn’t the Pope wear a white cloak, or has that ship long since sailed? Since your slogan has been “Like Mother Teresa, Only Better” your new slogan has to be “Now With Infallibility”

  90. Jenny, if you became pope, I’d return to church!! You would already be attributed with a miracle for that, according to my mother, so you’d be on your way to sainthood already! 🙂

  91. Pope Bloggess. How progressive of the Catholic Church. Hardly seems like them but I’m on board with the idea.

  92. You were destined for this. First the boob mushroom, now the Pope’s Cloak? These are signs that are best not ignored.

  93. “Jenny for Pope. She’ll forgive your sins if she’s done it too, so you’re probably good.”

  94. I was sort of thinking that those “patterns” that might be water/wine stains are maybe more like impressions-think Shroud of Turin. Which is so cool because after you retire from Popeism (which apparently is cool with the Catholics now) you can make a living displaying the Shroud of Jenny the Pope. Hey-I’d pay to see it.

  96. Pope Schmope. I want to know where I can get those wall plant holders. Those are badass.

  97. If elected Pope I will make it okay for Jews and Muslims to eat pork! Too long have they been denied the joy of bacon. Why has no one ever seen the best chance for peace in the middle east is also the simplest. Bacon for Pope!

  98. The only way I would convert would be if you were Pope forever. That is a miracle in itself, I think. Maybe the cloak was at the flea market to ward off all those demon sweaters Pat Robertson *spit* was talking about…

  100. I never made the connection between the pope getting on twitter and the quitting. Too much interesting stuff to read — fuck the papacy. I’m on board for Joan II. Jenny to Joan II – this Pope’s for you!

  102. “won’t try to ninja you guys away from the truth about these guys tryina bang kids (mostly boys)”? that’s a good slogan, right? truthful, i bet.

  103. Oh for the love of all things holy, BRING THIS TO CHICAGO! (Naperville!) I will take you out for a drink afterwards if you promise to wear the cloak.

    Shit, I’d probably buy you a drink anyway, but OMG.

  104. Jenny for Pope, Beyonce for President and Hunter S. Thomcat for Overlord!

  106. Well, you’re in red here, which is the cardinal color. Popes wear white, at least until they start spilling the wine too much and it becomes obvious because of the stains. The white doesn’t show the stains so much of other things priests spill. If Monica Lewinsky had been wearing a white dress, Bill Clinton would probably still be president.

  107. You’ve got my vote!
    How about “Hey, We Could Do Worse.” or “At Least She’s Supposed To Like Boys.”
    I think those sum it up…

  108. “You guys are pretending a lot of shit never happened. Well, I have written the book on just that. This is perfect”

  109. I’m sleep deprived and easily confused today, so I think I only understood half of this post. But like many people I will vote for you because your speech sounded good and you have a cool outfit.

  111. So now you probably have the power to make the mystery stains go away by blessing them. I have no defense for that, nothing else goes away when blessed, but it occurred to me and somehow it makes sense. To me.

  112. If you do become pope I say your first order of business should be to replace the Swiss Guard with Ninjas.

  113. Hmmm, it looks more like a robe from one of those super-secret esoteric Orders. I think that you might now be a member of the Outer Court of the Illuminati…which is better than being the Pope, I think.

  114. I have never found anything that cool at a flea market. You’re going to wear that for all your book readings from now on, right?

  115. Oh I so needed to read this tonight. You are awesome and might I suggest ” Knock Knock Mother F’ers there’s a new Pope in town” ?

  116. I’d totally vote for you to be the new Pope. It might even make me start going back to church and stop being pagan… Dude, I can’t even say that with a straight face! I’d still vote for you though. I’m thinking your slogan should be something like, “Every vote against Jenny will cause a ninja to kill a kitten” or something.

  117. You could go for something simple like “Pope Jenny I: more dogs; less dogma.” Or, um, in light of your profound influence and your ability to drop the internet on the heads of assholes, would you consider something like “More relevant than the last guy.”? And of course, you can aim for weak spots with “Out with patriarchy and Latin; in with lady gardens and profanity.”

  119. Aren’t Pope dresses white or gold? Thinking only Cardinals wear red. Cardinal is your only hope in any case — they probably still check Popes for mommy-parts.

  121. I guess the cross rules out Mrs. Dracula, which was my first guess.

    I would vote Jenny for Pope. The white smoke would be the result of all the exploding heads of Cardinals.

  122. P.S. While your theological credentials might be a bit weak, I think your background in HR and your experiences in asking “Is this your penis?” makes you infinitely better qualified to handle the Church’s real problems.

  123. I can’t think of a catchy slogan, but if you become pope, I think that will automatically elevate Hamlet Von Schnitzel to a religious relic. He’ll need a super snazzy reliquary. Something made of gold and encrusted with precious stones. Or a Hello Kitty lunchbox. Actually, a mouse inside a cat’s lunchbox probably isn’t the best idea. Unless that’s how he was martyred. Holy shit, I think martyrdom could actually elevate Hamlet to sainthood. That’s totally how sainthood works, right? No? Maybe?

  124. All I can see in my head is a picture of you surrounded actual cardinals (taxidermied of course) with tiny voting ballots and signs with your face on them. I have no idea how many, (cause im not catholic) but I know there should be a lot of them…and its totally a popularity contest anyway so its completely like a student council election so you should be totally fine. Cause in my vision these cardinals seriously love you! Probably because your propaganda includes birdfeeders with vote for Jenny written in an envenly distributed mix of peanut butter & bird seed.

  125. Do you have two giant whisks hanging on your wall? You could make some epic scrambled eggs.

  127. Ooo…if you become Pope, are you going to bring Hamlet and Juanita back to life? I don’t know about James A. Garfield, though, since he’s just a head.

  128. You could use my campaign slogan from when I ran for something in 10th grade:

    “A vote for Pat is a vote for Pat”

    My campaign manager came up with that and thought it was HILARIOUS X 1,000. We couldn’t figure out why I didn’t win.

  130. I left the Catholic religion in the 4th grade because I found out women can’t be popes. If you get to be pope, I may have to return to the fold. But only if you get to be pope. You or Oprah. You, or Ophrah, or Tina Fey.

  133. Slogan: “Bloggess for Popess: Her Life Is An Open Book – Soon In Poperback, I Mean, Paperback!” (Yeah, it needs work.)

  134. Bloggess for Pope. She already has the cape. She’s just a pair of Prada shoes away.

  137. In church vestment circles, that kind of cloak would be called a cope. It is worn by the Celebrant (priest, bishop, or whoever is presiding) for formal processions, blessings or celebrations. You’ll see them used sometimes in Episcopal (Anglican) and Orthodox liturgies, as well as Roman Catholic services. Red is used for Palm Sunday and the week before Easter, Pentecost, and for martyr’s feast days.

    Sadly, knowing all this geeky church trivia won’t make you Pope; but at least it gives you another rhyme to work with in your campaign.

  138. How about, “Jenny is fucking awesome and also, not a misogynast – bonus!” If you get elected, I will totally become Catholic.

  140. I understand that when they make you pope you change your name. You could be Pope Ninja the First. Perhaps you could wear a fez instead of that huge hat (it’s a bit ostentatious even if you do own your own country, don’t you think?)

  142. The Pope only followed 8 people on Twitter. When you run for Pope be sure to tell the masses that you’ll follow everyone that follows you. That’ll be millions or billions of people on Twitter. It might blow up the system and all of us writers could get back to writting and doing important things like drinking Gods favorite beverage, wine. And don’t forget to tell all your followers that following you on Twitter and buying your books will get them a ticket straight to heaven no matter what they do on earth.

  144. Didn’t the last pope tweet in Latin? That totally appeals to the youth of today. How about, “Jenny Ninja ergo sum.” I don’t think it means anything, but no one really speaks Latin anyway.

  146. I expect to see white smoke from the Vatican any minute now. What will your pope name be? (Try to include “y’all” in it, please.)

  148. Pretty sure the Vatican has a secret ninja department. You know, like the Vatican Police, except secret and ninja.

  149. Once again I am reminded how important punctuation is. To wit: ” She’s got issues but the last Pope was in the Hitler Youth so maybe stop judging her, asshole.” I was going in a completely different direction until I noticed the comma. Wow.

  150. Jenny for Pope
    Victor for Pope Consort
    Hailey for Princess of the Church
    Putting Family back in Values!

  151. Oh, and compliments on the photo. My first prayer book had a picture of the Assumption of the Blessed Mother and you are a dead ringer for her.

  152. Oh hey, if you make Pope could you please tell Dick Cheney that Jesus told you that He hates Cheney and thinks Cheney is an ass-monkey? I would so appreciate it. O.

  156. Do they let unwashed heathens vote? If they do I’d totally vote for you!

  157. If you make a t-shirt that says “Jenny for Pope” I will wear it to your book-signing in Kansas City! And then I’ll probably go to hell.

  159. “Jenny for Pope. She’s ready for the apocalypse, zombie apocalypse that is”

  160. “Because I know (the almost) St. James Garfield personally, bitches!”

    No? Oh. *shrug* I’d vote for ya. If I was Catholic… and a guy… in a gown… who liked boys… I’ll stop now.

  162. What did the tag sewn inside say? “Official Papal Property”? You could probably whore that thing around on eBay if so. “Old Pope Cape, Now With Official Papal Stains!” Total gold mine.

  163. I just read all the comments, and ‘pope’ has officially become a nonsense word. Pope, pope, pope. Yep.

  164. I think if you get to be Pope that means that Unicorn Success Club is an official religion. Which is awesome!

    Plus, you hang out with James Garfield who is well on his way to Sainthood…so I think that’s more papal points in your favor.

    ALSO… you have a zombie apocalypse plan… I don’t see any other pope candidates who can say that!

  170. If you are going to make posters, just write
    “JENNY FOR POPE! I PROMISE TO PUT SODA AND CANDY MACHINES IN EVERY CLASSROOM!!”
    I mean,isn’t that what every Junior High student council poster looks like.

    “Jenny for Pope! She will make sure you have NO HOMEWORK!”

    – well, at least you will get the vote of every 12-18 year old across the world;)

  173. So, instead of pimpin you`ll be popein? Yeah, I got nuthin. *slinks away*

  176. “I have a halo around my butt, what more could you want.”
    Jenny da Pope!

  177. Jenny for pope! She promises to make all priests ninjas which will make church way more fun. And less molesty. (Is molesty a word? We can sort that out later).
    Ps. I’d vote for you. I get a vote right?

  178. Is it like going to New York and finding a knock off Kate Spade bag, but your flea market has knock off priestly robes??? By the way you should look up Walter Potter, a taxidermist from around the turn of the century. He gives you a run for your money on “interesting” creatures. I especially love the bunny cheating in the classroom! (although with your background I bet it is old news to you!)

  179. Honey, I have bad news. The Pope is in Rome. He doesn’t send his hand-me-downs to charities in the U.S.A. You may run for Cardinal, or if you are afraid of being mixed up w/the baseball team, you might even have to settle for Bishop. That’s it. You know the saying: aim high and settle.

  180. Jenny, despite your new robe and the vaguely cathedral-looking background in those pictures, I doubt you will win this election, because you cuss too much. It’s very un-popelike to use the F word. Also, you’re a woman, remember? It’s extremely un-popelike to have a vagina.

  182. OK, that last post looked like it was spam. So I am going to clarify that I thought I saw the pope this morning but it turned out to be Mike Tyson. Well it was more that I thought it was Mike Tyson but later suspected it might have been a NEW pope, but then I saw your post and realized it was probably you the whole time, and that stain might be some kind of random hotel tea. Or cat leavings.

    But WHATEVER this is the link… http://www.shakenmama.com/2013/03/breakfast-with-pope.html

  183. Of course we’re all going to hell. That’s where all the interesting folks will be if heaven & hell really do exist.

    There is a school where John-Paul II did mass in San Antonio in the late ’80’s. So “Pope Jenny” could come to SeaWorld and bless the animals (close to the school, but more fun)

  185. Unfortunately, like car windshields, the Popemobile’s glass bubble filters UV light. So not only can you not get a tan, but if you have transition lenses, they won’t darken on a bright day. Such bullshit!

  187. Possible running campaign…”Toggless vote Bloggess for Pope! Even the naked need a mouthpiece.”

  188. Vote For Jenny, author of the highly-acclaimed “Let’s Pretend this Protestant Reformation Never Happened.”

  189. Since the cape once belonged to the last Pope, it’s clear you’re already Pope in Jesus’ eyes–it was divine discovery, or something like that. So how about this slogan: “Jenny’s Already Pope, So Go Ahead And Release The White Smoke”?

  193. Well, it’s sort of red, black, and gold. I’m guessing the “t” is for “Tywinn.”

  195. Dang, I love you. And I love that robe! You are my favorite pope ever, even more than Pope Genevieve G. Rota.

  196. I’d vote for you, but I’m Jewish so I wouldn’t have to do anything you said.

  197. Being an actual Catholic, I can tell you that’s no SCA made cloak. That is a cope used in Liturgical services Anglicans and Episcopalians use them too. As much as I love you, no Pope for you. But you COULD be a bishop in the Anglican church….

  198. If the T were blue, I’d say it was for “Tardis” but it’s green, which just stumps me. Maybe it’s T for “trash” and it’s Oscar’s vestments?

    For campaign slogans, how about “Even ninjas want Jenny for Pope. They’ll tell you themselves if you can find them.“

  199. According to legend/history you could probably get around that whole “the pope has to be a man” thing. Just don’t have a baby in the middle of the street during one of those pope processions.#Pope Joan

  201. well normally the Pope is guarded by the Swiss Guard I think, so maybe you should have ninjas. So you’ll be the first Pope with her own ninja protection posse. That will definitely bring in the votes.

  203. If that is a bishop’s cloak and has red wine stains, and the pope wears white, clearly you are going to have to switch to Chardonnay (or Sauvignon Blanc, my fave) after your inevitable election to the papacy. But don’t worry, it is a small price to pay to rid the holy mother church of choirboy-molesting priests, which you would do on day 1. And maybe days 2 – 1002 because there are a lot of them. Oh, and you could make all the cardinals switch to red dresses instead of robes, just because then they would have to be all humble cuz the whole world would see their skinny legs.

    Or you could just declare yourself the Pope of the Church of Jenny and avoid that annoyingly long flight to Rome.

  205. Why not just go with the old posters from running for the President? Wasn’t that something about “free unicorns.” I mean, your whole platform should be something “green” and how better to save the world (and trees) than to re-purpose your old posters?

  206. Anyway, if Pope doesn’t work out for you, you are always more than welcome to join the church I founded/created in an online forum ages ago. All are welcome. And we don’t judge anyone. We even currently have an opening for a Deacon and hey, you already have the robe so you’d probably be a shoe-in…

    It is called The Church of the Rising Penis.

    All rise…..

  207. Oh, I think you’re too late…my friend David already claimed the title of New Pope by virtue of his red shoes. But maybe he’d lend them to you? Or you could lend him your cape.

  208. Jenny Lawson for Anti-Pope!!!! Because she is much cuter, is too smart and is way too funny to be an actual pope!!! Keep the robe though….its great for layering and you can still be like the unicorn ninja or something.

  209. Jenny Lawson: Endorsed by God*

    *This post not approved by God but she hasn’t been struck down by lightning yet, so that’s almost like saying he’s on her side.

  211. You’ve had Joan. Here comes Jenny!

    PS — I’m pretty sure that’s called a cope. It’s a communion robe…

  214. It’s a gorgeous cloak. Are you sure you want the hassle of being Pope? They’ll expect you to move to Italy. And learn Latin.

  217. Jenny, I love you! And not in a lesbian way, but in a you-make-me-laugh-so-hard-that-snot-comes-out-of-my-nose kind of way.

  221. I wish I had a face … or even a head … for hats. Big, round face on a big, round head 🙁

  222. I got tired of reading all the comments, but did anyone already say this:

    Vote for Jenny. She’s Pope-tastic!

  224. Soak the whole thing in wine then it’ll all match.

  227. There is a story about Pope Joan–apparently the 13th century, “Joan” disguised herself as a man and became the Pope. She was busted as a woman when she was riding a horse and gave birth. Perhaps you found Pope Joan’s cloak, and your name also starts with a “J”. Coincidence? Perhaps NOT!

  228. Access to free wine. I see where you’re going with this Pope-thing…

  229. Sorry to rain on your parade, but that cope isn’t necessarily a Catholic item and even if it were, it’s probably the cast-off of a local parish. (Whoever sent it in needs to have their head examined, though, because I’m pretty sure a thrift store is not the proper way to dispose of excess vestments.)
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cope

  230. Jenny if you become Pope, I will definitely go back to church! Otherwise, it’s pretty much never going to happen, unless somebody dies, or gets married. You could run on a platform aligning yourself with St. Francis, who had a thing for animals!!!

  231. So… did we get the campaign running yet? Where can I volunteer? I think we should organize a mars on Rome? Who’s with me!?

  232. Jenny for Pope – Or we’ll send ninjas riding double unicorns after you, Bitches! – God bless.

    Or…

    Batman for Pope. – Psych! He’s not running, so Jenny for Pope!
    (This is like getting a celebrity endorsement for free, because who wouldn’t keep reading a sign that said Batman for Pope?

    And btw I think I have a great way for you to win the whole Pope contest. Being Pope is totally like a popularity contests, they vote for you. And people who you’ve converted would be totally obligated to vote for you. (I’m not a religion scientist, but I’m pretty sure that’s how it goes.)

    So, what you have to do is convert a but-load of people. Now I’ve heard tell that actual _live_ people get all critical when you try to convert them without asking (and who has time to ask)…

    “Quit throwing water on me!”
    “What the hell are you chanting?”
    “Where did that cloud of incense come from?”
    “I already have a God!”

    But I read somewhere that you can totally convert someone on their deathbed (and even after death) by giving them last rights. Which is (as far as I can tell) just chanting and sprinkling holy water on them. So here’s my plan…find yourself a few cemeteries of folks from another religion, and start a-chanting.

    (FYI, if you’re worried about where to get the holy water, just drop by a church, they totally leave it at the front door in a big bowl…unguarded. Probably so people can fill up squirt guns to keep under their bed against the threat of vampire attack.)

    PS. This may not actually work because I think in reality it’s only Cardinals that get to vote for Pope… But what the hell, when have we ever let reality get in our way before? Plus, I think the Cardinals will be impressed when you show them the pictures of you converting whole cemeteries of people for them…I mean that’s work they don’t have to do now.

    PPS. I’m pretty sure I’m going to Hell too…

  233. “Vote Jenny For Pope: She Can’t Raise The Dead, But She’ll Put Cute Little Outfits On Them!” with a picture of a taxidermied monkey. People love monkeys, too.

  234. Jenny for Pope. She hasn’t had a sex scandal since last century. Unless you count all those times she talks about about her vagina. Which if you DO count, you’re an asshole anyway.

  235. I say keep with the whole “I look really good in hats” theme. People are really into costumes….look how well Downtown Abbey did–costumes.

  236. That is a fantastic cape. All you need is a wizzer and a strong suit in overlooking deviant habits and Bob’s your Auntie Jean – Pope Bloggess the 1st. You certainly wouldn’t want to be a nun in the US because they are all under a supervision order for being too female and bolshie, going on about how many poor people there are instead of castigating contraceptive users, etc. Bugger it, go for the top job.

  237. Jenny for Pope. A woman who thinks with her head ( not a man who thinks with his other head.)

  240. I’m not Catholic or a cardinal but I’d totally vote for you for Pope. Is it gonna be on SurveyMonkey or something like that lol?

  244. You could misspell it on purpose and let the slogan be JENNY FOR POOP!
    Be anal expulsive, not anal retentive!

    (I’m still laughing over Stace Comment 46, “The tighter the mitre the sweeter the peter…”)

  245. Would you settle for beatification? Saint Bloggess would be cool. Plus then I could have an icon of you in a corner of my house, with candles and shit.

  247. I want one.

    It totally reminds me of the Illuminati for some reason. Probably because I just started reading Angels and Demons.

  248. Love the comments (and the post)! For purposes of verisimilitude, the clergy-cape/cloak is called a cope. There’s some good rhyming there…

  249. I was led to your blog via a link on another blog I follow. On that blog you were listed under the heading “funny.” Your introductory comments to the blogs you follow all tout the person’s drinking prowess. Why the fixation with alcohol? Is it your brand of humor?
    Susan
    Sobriety Date: 11-22-10

  251. OMG. I am Catholic AND I love the idea of you as Pope. I would vote for you, but I am not a 90-year-old man who protects pedophiles. They are the only Catholics allowed to pick the Pope.

  252. Actually, Jenny, what you’ve got there is not a cape, it’s a COPE. So, I guess you could say that you got the Pope Cope from the man who couldn’t

  253. Just think of it…if you’re pope, you have rehabilitate Copernicus…..both of them.

    Good gravy! What a concept! Jenny for Pope!

  254. Well, I think you now need to reconsider those cat suits. While the seersucker is lightweight enough for summer, it’s obvious the cats will now need something a bit more CLERICAL, if you get my drift. Whether you call them acolytes or decide to make them altar boys or bishops, they will require new clothing.

    However, as a Pope needs their ‘staff’ to be dressed for the occasion, he can no longer have any problem with you dressing the cats in suits–albeit much more religious/clerical/formalware than the original seersucker.

    But I think they need to keep the bowties. Nothing says “I’m a furry Bishop of Her Holiness the Pope” more than pink bowties.

    Grey 🙂

  255. As a former Catholic, I was actually creeped out by the thought of putting that on. Like Catholic demon hands would come forth and suck you back in to the fold. But clearly you’re immune to demons, which makes you a perfect candidate for pope. They could do demon testing instead of voting this time around.

  257. I had a poster slogan for you but I forgot what it was because I was distracted by the GIANT WISKS ON YOUR WALL with flowers growing out of them.

    How big are your pots?!

    I fear you may be less Pope and more witch.

  258. I would 100% vote for you as Pope, but I’m not Catholic and probably not allowed to vote for Popes. They would rescind my sort of a Baptist, sort of a Penticost, oh hell, no one knows what religion I’m supposed to be card and then I’d end up in Purgatory if there’s one of those for Bapti-costal sinners. As it is, I have a lot of explaining to do to God. I except He’s feeling pretty stern toward me already. But maybe I can make up for that if I get a cool cloak. No, no, pretty sure I’m going to Hell. Oh, well. Meet you there.

  259. “Vote Jenny for Pope! She probably definitely won’t get struck by lightning for this. Maybe.”

  260. Hey! Making me laugh out loud when I’m supposed to be working stopped being funny the 100th time you did it!

    I would totally vote for you for Pope. The Catholic church would benefit from some new vision.

  261. Here it is, I hope you’re ready for this. I was thinking your cloak sort of reminds me of the ones by the Monty Python folks, and that you need a broad-brimmed red hat to go with it. And with that, you could jump out from around corners and yell at people. Your slogan would be, “No one expected the Spanish Inquisition, either.”

  262. Just when I think you couldn’t possibly get any funnier or more awesome, you go and volunteer to be the new pope! You rock it. Jenny for Pope!

  264. I left the church in ’72, but with you at the helm..et-( a kind of hat) I might rejoin. Now if we could just get you into the enclave.

  266. Don’t use Prepared for the zombie apocalypse with plays on other p words, . My daughter did that last year for vp of her jr high student council,she spent alot of time explaining alliteration, and lost, something about not being able to vote geek. The school not allowing her to put promote diversity on the posters hurt her as well. She is the only anglo in her grade and it was funny but her principal has no sense of humor. I doubt the Council of Cardinals has a better sense of humor than her principal and they aren’t know for promoting diversity either as you would be the only woman..see I was making a point.

  269. HA HA! Whatever it is, it looks great! And personally, I think you’ll be the best Pope (Popette?) EVER!!!!

  271. Pope rhymes with Dope. You could come up with so many slogans!
    Jenny for Pope would be Dope.
    Smoke Dope and Vote Jenny for Pope.

  272. Definitely a poster similar to Obama’s HOPE………except it would say Pope, obviously.

  273. “You know what’s dope? The Bloggess for Pope”

    That would be the best slogan ever. So good that the Cardnals wouldn’t even have together. The smoke would be pouring out of the Vatican as soon as they knew you were running for Pope. You’d turn me holy in 0.3 seconds flat.

  274. How about “Jenny for Pope cause when the Zombie Apocalypse happens she’ll share her ninjas…unless of course you didn’t vote for her, then you’re fucked”

  275. All hail Pope Jenny!
    If we join your religion, can we drink wine slushies, too?

  279. I’d vote for you. If I were Catholic. But what I really wanted to say was that this whole post really reminded me of that scene from Eurotrip where Scotty accidentally becomes pope and then sets the hat on fire. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Regardless, it doesn’t beat the scene with Lucy Lawless in the fireworks factory/hostel. I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell just for seeing that movie as often as I have.

  282. If you became Pope I MIGHT believe in a God.

    I have a feeling that your kind of church might be something I could stomach.

    Pope on, Jenny. Pope on.

  284. Come to think of it, vestments are something that every working girl (or stay-at-home mum) should have in their wardrobe. You just never know when you might need them. And they can be dressed up or down.

  285. I love that you’ve used the former Pope’s ball sacks as planters on either side of your photo just then. It’s astonishing how much the pubes that came with resemble foliage, isn’t it?

  287. Reading that has so cheered me up!
    I’m going to disguise myself as an old man and get myself a cardinals cope and hat, then sneak into the Sistine Chapel and get you made Pope.
    Just need to strap down my boobs and create some wrinkles and I’m fairly certain this plan is flawless.

  290. You’d have my vote for Pope… unless I have to go to church to vote. I don’t go inside churches because I’ll likely ignite in flames.

  291. My brother and I got super bored a few summers back and, long story short, we got ordained online, for free. So, you know, if Catholicism can’t get beyond your vagina, the Universal Life Church will look past pretty much anything! (But seriously, my dog is also an ordained minister of the ULC.)

    In any case, I would totally vote for you for Pope, but I’m fairly certain I lost my say in such matters after the whole becoming-a-she-reverend thing.

    God speed, Pope Jenny!

  292. As a former catholic school girl, i want to shout first: IT IS ABOUT TIME THE MALE DOMINATED VATICAN RECEIVED A GIANT DOSE OF ESTROGEN AND HUMOR AND YES, BLOGGESS RELEVANCE!
    And then, your possible slogans:
    1. I’m good at stuff! And I will put the I CAN in vatican, motherfuckers! (ugh, that’s pretty bad…)

    crap my mind went blank. but just think how you could rock that pope-mobile – you could paint flames on it and decoupage hamlet von schnitzels’ picture on it. it would look like his little cape was blowing in the wind. and riding around in the pope-mobile all that would matter would be that cape, mismatched shoes be damned….

  293. You can Pope Ninja bitch slap people in the confessional and blame it on the sacramental wine…or holy water fights! Omg – the possibilities…

  296. If you want to use the “stop judging her, asshole” tagline, I would make sure the comma between judging and asshole is VERY visible. Otherwise, you’re going to have an entirely different kind of campaign on your hands…er…butt…er…

  297. Put a big “A” on the front to cancel out the cross on the back. It will totally work.

    Or run for Pope.

    Or do both.

    I bet if they elected you as Pope, the smoke that would rise up from them burning that crap would have glitter in it and be all pink

  298. Mr.Frankie the gender challenged female who lives inside my sisters taxidermy hamster would vote for you. He is very distinguished and once had an affair with the dread pirate Roberts, but he also likes to confuse parrots and borrow smokes off grandmothers. he fully supports women as pope but thinks your should aim higher. like supreme overlordess pope of the universe. it does have a nice ring.

  301. Because you’re now Pope-ess, I would like to recommend growing tomatoes in the Popemobile when you’re not using it. Fresh home (or Vatican, if you want to get technical) grown tomatoes to either enjoy or sell to tourists to pick up a little extra money for the Church’s coffers.

  302. Really? No-one else got “Vote Jenny for Pope. She has the dress to match the shoes”??

  307. Last night I was reading this blog entry to my hubby, because he swears up and down that we are exactly like you and Victor minus the whole taxidermied animals thing (to which I reply: we’re still young and there’s still plenty of time left in our lives… Unless our world is somehow destroyed. Funny, how I go to world destruction before I go to our individual deaths…) I closed my laptop after showing him the picture of the mongoose fighting the cobra, not bothering to close the actual window, and this morning when I open my laptop:

    “OH JESUS CHRIST! A MONGOOSE FIGHTING A COBRA!!”

    Casey (my hubby) runs into the room and is all like “What! What!” And then he realizes that I’m reading your blog. He looks at me and says: “If we ever get the chance to meet Jenny and Victor, I’m totally shaking Victor’s hand because I can barely handle you and you and Jenny are far too alike.”

    I took the whole thing as a compliment, just so you know.

  309. BTW, I love the dangly glass ball-sack fake flower holders in the door way. Very avant-garde.

  311. At first when I read this I was all “The Pope doesn’t have to save for retirement, he’s Pope until he’s dead!” (which btw basically means being Pope is a death sentence… I’m going to Hell, I know) But then I remembered that the last Pope just retired, breaking that whole centuries long tradition so maybe popes do have to worry about retirement now. Well played Jenny, well played.

  312. I’m not reading through 311 comments to find out if someone else posted this, but:

    The Pope is now on Twitter! Hide your cloak!

  313. So I’m (really) late to the party (had to move cities, untangle myself from the clusterfuck that my relationship had become and save the world with unicorns, so you know, busy. And no internet.)… but does Ken know about this?

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