Follow your dreams. Unless they're dreams about making out with yourself. Those are weird. You probably need therapy.

in Random Crap

Victor:  You know what’s weird?  Last night I had a dream I was Homer from The Odyssey.

me: You know what’s really weird?  Last night I had a sex dream about Homer from The Simpsons.

Victor: We are this close to getting our shit together.

 

 

124 thoughts on “Follow your dreams. Unless they're dreams about making out with yourself. Those are weird. You probably need therapy.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Was trying to decide if I have a crush on you or Victor: then realized it was both of you, as a couple.
    Is *that* weird? Maybe therapy.

  4. A sex dream with Homer Simpson?! I almost want to know more, but at the same time I really, really don’t want to know more.

  6. I usually can’t follow my dreams even as I’m dreaming them. “Wait, what? I could have sworn Orville Redenbacher was helping me fix this bookshelf, but now I’m on fire. Something’s not right here…”

  7. I have had way too many sex dreams about Beavis and Butthead, but never one about a Simpson character.

  12. I always have the strangest dreams about celebrities… a few weeks ago I had a dream that Cam from Modern Family was trying to kill me.

  13. Last night I had a dream that I finally stole a penguin from the aquarium, but then got caught and had to talk to students about what happens to you when you get caught stealing. In my dream I was judged by non-existent ten year olds, and yet I still want my own penguin.

  15. My dreams are usually epic adventures, with casts of thousands. People I haven’t seen or thought of since grade school come trotting through my dreams. I really need some kind of interpreter.

  16. My husband and I dream about how we should probably clean the house once in a while. Nah. That would take time away from . . . whatever else we do. Like it’s extremely urgent to catch up on The Walking Dead.

  18. A few weeks ago, I dreamed that Mitt Romney took over the company I was working for, and as part of the conditions for continued employment, we all had to submit to a rectal exam from Mr. Romney himself. Turns out, my rectum wasn’t quite up to snuff, but I wasn’t fired, either. I remember thinking in my dream “Well, I am getting older…”

  24. Last night I had a dream I received a coupon for a $7.99 hair cut, today I received a coupon in the mail for a $7.99 hair cut. I’m psychic, a very boring psychic who probably has a bad hair cut.

  25. Wow. Just wow. Homer Simpson. I just, look that is really not exciting for me here. You know, thirty something bald alcoholics do not get my blood pumping. They do not make me all a flutter. No one has to bring me my smelling salts because of a fast paced episode of the Simpsons.

    Annnddd I’m okay with that. Really.

  26. I had a dream last night that I was watching while a drunk 1980’s Billy Crystal was trying to have sex with some woman inside a giant refrigerator in the back room of a warehouse at Hood’s. He was complaining that there just wasn’t enough beer left to “get it up”. I suppose it may have been a normal sized fridge and it was a very small Billy Crystal and woman. These are the kinds of dreams that I have that I worry would very much throw off a Rorschach Ink Bolt test. No matter what card they hold up, I’d be likely to yell out “DARK CURLY BUTT HAIR” because that is the image I’m carrying around in my subconscious today. You’re welcome.

  33. I’ve had stranger dreams than that.

    I have a reoccuring sex dream about my sister having a penis… I really do need therapy after those dreams.

  37. Yes, follow your dreams. Unless you dream that you bought a puppy and a baby at a pet store, and your husband absolutely will not admit to hiding them from you when you wake up. That will cause some intense marital problems. Just sayin.

  43. Last night I dreamed that I was traveling with the Doctor and my dogs got to come too and we visited a planet where people had wings and lived in treehouses. The River Song showed up and the treehouse people threw a huge party. And there were no monsters. It was awesome.

    I would totally follow that dream

  46. The Odyssey needs more donuts…which proves that Homer Simpson could not have written it…but donuts had not been invented yet…therefore Homer Simpson might have written the Odyssey because he had nothing better to do…of course, this theory depends upon having a time machine and a cartoon materializator handy.

  47. had a sex dream once about Ted Danson – no sex really, just him chasing me down in my blue minivan (never owned a minivan) to apologize for an STD, and all of the other women in his life.

    had another (non sex) dream about me taking a Greyhound bus trip to New Orleans w/ Robert Vaughn (not the 77 Sunset Strip one, think older).

    but now i really want a donut.

  48. I once dreamt I was Bill Murray and the Virgin Mary had asked me to babysit Jesus for her, and I had to protect the baby savior from all sorts of bad guys.

    My sex dreams are not usually that interesting, though one did involve Jason Mewes/Jay (from Jay and Silent Bob).

  49. Last night I dreamt I had nice fingernails (painted a pale color) and I was drinking tea with my bff Felicia Day. That’s not at all relevant to this post (other than the dreaming part). I just found it so weird.

  50. OOOO. OOOHHH. OOHHHHHH. That’s my new life motto.

    “I am THIS CLOSE to getting my shit together.”

  53. hasn’t the simpsons done an Odyssey episode? Maybe I am thinking of arthur. Its like your connected but yours is obviously less boring.

  54. I so, so, SO wish we could “like” comments on your blog the way we can on Facebook. “Krud” (#6) had me laughing so hard I was crying. Like, real tears. Because I can completely relate.

  56. Back in the early 90’s I dreamed that I was “in a relationship” with Hillary Clinton and OJ Simpson. Same week, different nights. I didn’t see myself having sex with them, it was just understood. Don’t know which one upset my husband more. In the Hillary one we were on vacation in the Swiss Alps. OF COURSE.

  58. I’m only psychic about mail delivery and UPS, which is a pitiful talent to have. Anytime I say something out loud like “Hey, I wonder when that package is going to arrive”, that’s the day it shows up on my doorstep. Yeah, I know you’re jealous.

  59. Okay, that’s a touch frightening. Because if Victor is becoming that much like you, I’m not sure the world will be able to survive; it may just explode from over-awesomeness!

  61. Love it. I’m on bedrest kinda right now and have been having a Doctor Who marathon. I almost get through an entire season a day. So last night I dreamed the world was ending and everyone around me dying and planes were falling out of the sky and lakes were boiling and I was trying to save my daughters… It was intense. And I’m thinking maybe I should cut back a bit on the doctor before bed. Ah, who am I kidding. Who can really cut back on the Doctor?

  62. Typically my sex dreams involve Justin Timberlake, whom I don’t even find that attractive. I used to consider him my sexual dream guru. Then one day a very wise friend told me that mayhaps it was the other way around, that he was dreaming of me and that I was in fact his sexual dream guru. Which totally makes sense, because I am really good at sex in my dreams.

  63. Bethany March 11, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    I so, so, SO wish we could “like” comments on your blog the way we can on Facebook. “Krud” (#6) had me laughing so hard I was crying. Like, real tears. Because I can completely relate.

    Let me try this again.
    I so agree with you on the like/awesome comment button. Another thing is, I would follow 98% on Tweeter, of the people that make comments if I knew their names there. They have a much better imagination than I ever will.

  71. First, I read the title of this blog post out loud to my boyfriend, pausing because I couldn’t stop laughing. Then I read the entry out loud, again, having to pause for the laughter. You are, indeed, SO CLOSE to getting your shit together?

  72. I beg to differ about that statement, Victor 🙂 Besides, if you two ever do your shit together, you might not be as hilarious and that would be sad!

  77. I dreamt that my friend came in to a room where I was having delightful adult fun with two mutual friends. He said “thanks for warming them up for me,” and then ate them. When he was done we did the whole high five-thing, and he left. I was absolutely terrified and woke up crying. The next day, however, he said that he had been really hungry all night.

    We too felt it was a sign we were “almost there”.

  79. I’m not sure which I love more: you and Victor at odds, or you and Victor in surprise accord. I guess I just love you and Victor together. <3

  80. My husband is not supportive with my crazy dreams, although taping burritos to my grandparent’s fridge was a bit odd. Oh and that one time dinosaurs and robots collided in a strange world…well, he just wasn’t getting it. Then again, he might be a little more interested if I came up with a sex dream. Sex always perks a man right up! ha! (no pun intended)

  82. The dude and I once had zombie apocalypse dreams at the same time. With no zombie media having been consumed the preceding day. Neither dream was a nightmare, either. Isn’t it fabulous when you find that place where you’re equally warped?

  84. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve read your posts and shook my head, giggling and murmuring, “Poor Victor.”

    Truth is — it’s really “LUCKY Victor” and of course “LUCKY Jenny” that you guys have each other!

    You kooky kids!! Love you both!

  88. I dreamed last night I had to go into a lab but first I had to be sanitised, so I was being scrubbed down by robotic arms. I was thinking that it felt good but what if something went wrong with its programming and it started hurting me?

  90. Jenny Neff March 11, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    I had a dream last night that I was watching while a drunk 1980?s Billy Crystal was trying to have sex with some woman inside a giant refrigerator in the back room of a warehouse at Hood’s. He was complaining that there just wasn’t enough beer left to “get it up”. I suppose it may have been a normal sized fridge and it was a very small Billy Crystal and woman. These are the kinds of dreams that I have that I worry would very much throw off a Rorschach Ink Bolt test. No matter what card they hold up, I’d be likely to yell out “DARK CURLY BUTT HAIR” because that is the image I’m carrying around in my subconscious today. You’re welcome.

    ~~I want a Rorschach Ink Bolt with or without the test.
    Or blot.
    I now have a mental image of the animated movie “Bolt” dog being used as a Rorschach test.

  92. I can never remember my dreams. I just have this sense of being very perturbed when I wake up.

    I do remember one dream where I was going to a Katy Perry concert but for some reason my dad was driving me. And I was trying to stop my dad from seeing the concert cos ‘I kissed a girl’ would be too X-rated for him.

  93. Yeah, my husband doesn’t ask me about my dreams anymore. They are usually so strange that people just look at me like I’m talking about my characters like they’re real. I get weird looks a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. Perhaps I should be medicated.

  96. So you’re cheating on Victor with Homer and Victor’s cheating on you…except Victor just found out he’s bisexual?

  97. Guess that’s why they call it a “way homer”. ‘Cause you only get it,…on the way home!
    -Glen, Raising Arizona

    And let me know when, if, you get said sh&^% together. It’d be nice to know what that’s like.

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

  99. I’ve always been of the opinion that close but not exact is the most fun…if the shit was together life might get just a little less entertaining.

  101. You made me laugh out loud at this morning, which was good because because the puppy woke me up way too early. Your relationship with Victor is pretty damn cool.

  103. omg…this made me laugh so hard!! I can’t wait til my hubby and I get thatclose to getting OUR shits together!!!

  104. Last night I had a dream that giant transformers came to my campus and laid waste… except instead of transformers they were giant Tonka trucks with alien lazer zappers. Spent most of my dream running and hiding, believing I was the only surviver, until dusk fell and I saw human sized cars racing out into the wastelands outside of town to do battle with the Tonka trucks. I joined the resistance.

  105. It never fails to amaze me how useful Homer’s Odyssey continues to be.

    Because life requires cleverness more than strength.

  106. What would’ve been really really weird is if y’all showed up in each others Homer-dreams. Would’ve been a little weirder in yours, though.

  107. I had a friend once who said, “You know, how dreams skip the boring parts?” And then I realized that that made dreams make more sense. Sort of. Maybe a little. Anyway, it explains how you get from Orville Reddenbacher helping you to being on fire with no in between.

    I too have epic dreams with large casts of characters in them. I rarely know anyone in my dreams so I wonder if my brain totally invented these people or perhaps they were people I passed by throughout the day and didn’t really pay attention to. If that is so, I need to be paying attention to these people. They lead exciting lives!

  109. I had a dream that I was dating Penny from the Big Bang Theory and Lenard was jealous/upset. I told him not to worry because she was only dating me for my money and I was too old for her. Once she ran through my money and I was broke, she would go back to him. He appeared satisfied with that answer.

  111. Please don’t get your shit together! If you and Victor get your shit together, where does that leave the rest of us?!

  112. Jenny you were just in STL doing a book signing (where I’m from) and I was unable to meet you. You inspired me to write my own blog. It’s filled with inappropriateness, laughter, sarcasm and scandal….my life. I entered myself into this Live Your Life campaign American Eagle is doing. It’s encouraging young adults to…well…live their life. Not being afraid of who they are or what they like to do. I was terrified to blog but after seeing you do it, I thought what the hell. If no one reads it, at least it was fun to write. So I’d like to pay my Jenny Lawson experience forward and encourage others to do the same.

    I am also a Breast Cancer Awareness volunteer designer and advocate. I’d also like to use this platform to educate young woman on early detection, share my success stories as well as others and inspire my generation. You don’t have to vote, I just wanted you to know how you’ve changed my life. If you’d like to vote, the direct link is posted on my blog post from today and below. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO!!

    https://live.ae.com/#/entries/5862

  114. Homer Simpson is one sexy S.O.B. You know, if your’e not into ambition…or physical fitness…or seeing the junk of the person you’re with.

  116. I want to know if the next night you both dreamed that Homer Simpson went on The Odyssey. Because that would be EPIC.

    Literally, epic.

  117. My most recent crazy dream was about being constantly pranked by a trickster demon until I was a paranoid wreck. It’s the only time I’ve ever woken up from a dream and GONE BACK TO IT after falling back asleep. That was cool. Cooler, though, was that it reawakened my creative spirit (which had been murdered eight years ago by crippling bipolar depression) and I started writing a story inspired by the dream. I know the meds are working because my artistic impulse is back. Cheers!

    PS- I know the story is REALLY, REALLY BAD, but I’m chugging through because I’m having fun.

    PPS- I’ve said it before, but BEST. COMMENT. SECTION. EVER. Your people are amazing.

    PPPS- “Your people”. Sorry. No pressure.

  118. I just realized that if my creativity had been murdered and has been reawakened, then my creativity is a zombie.

  119. This is the best. Are you making that up? No it’s too weird to make up even for you so it MUST be true. Anyway thanks for making me laugh AGAIN.

  121. Last week, I tried to swap out my Ambien for melatonin, and managed to have a dream where Sean Connery gave me his arm because mine fell off from Rheumatic Fever. Maybe Homer can give you his arm next time!

  123. HAha this made me laugh. Sex with Homer from The Simpsons would be horrif. You’re funny, I’m glad I discovered your blog!

  124. Last night, my hus told me he had a dream that the neighbors were sueing us because he dug a pond in the back yard and it was infested with Mosquitos. He told them that he couldn’t help it if Mosquitos lived in our pond……it is NATURAL! Even his dreams are practical….!!! T:)

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