I want a medal for not writing a bear pun in this title.

in Random Crap

This isn’t a real post.  It’s just me catching you up on assorted shit in case you don’t read twitter.  Also?  Spoiler alert for my mom: I’m still alive.  No worries.

So yesterday I woke up at 3am with incredible pain in my chest like I’d been stomped on by a dozen brontosauruses who were giving piggie-back rides to grand pianos, and so after taking a shitload of aspirin I woke Victor up by thoughtfully screaming “I’M DYING, YOU ASSHOLE” because apparently I get kind of inappropriately angry when I’m hurty and scared.  Then we put Hailey in the car and sped down the road because we’re too stupid to just call for an ambulance.  Or at least, that’s what the police told us when they pulled us over for speeding.  Hailey was like “Are you guys going to go to jail?” and I was all “Only your father.  I’m not going to be alive that long.”  Or at least that’s what I said in my mind.  In real life I just whimpered, “It’s fine, bunny.  Go back to sleep.”  Then the ambulance came and I got a ride to the hospital but I was in too much pain to even tweet about it or to instagram an arty picture of my feet in front of the ambulance doors and that’s kind of the definition of pain, in my opinion.  Then they hooked me up to a million monitors and the ambulance guy looked at the readings and was all “…Oh.”   And I was like, “WHAT THE HELL DOES ‘OH’ MEAN?” and then he gave me some nitroglycerin to put under my tongue and I was all, “The explosive from Little House on the Prairie?” and he just stared at me and shoved the drug in my mouth and told the driver to go faster, but technically I wasn’t hallucinating because there was totally an episode of Little House on the Prairie where Pa had to drive a wagon of explosive nitroglycerin across a river, so I think the lesson here is that ambulance drivers need to be better versed in pop culture.  Also, nitroglycerin tastes like pain.  Which makes sense since it’s an explosive but they should really be like, “Hey, this is like a red-hot soaked in the blood of Satan but it will distract you from all of the Little House on the Prairie hallucinations you’re not having.  It’s totally normal to make your mouth feel like it’s betraying you for not spitting it out and punching me.  No worries.”  Then lots of other stuff happened but it all blended in together and I woke up in the hospital with needles and wires sticking everywhere and then many, many hours later the doctor told me that my heart was awesome and that I’d probably had a severe gallbladder attack or a panic attack, and then we went home and slept for several hours until we ended up in the Minor Emergency Center because both Victor and Hailey came down with minor infections.  So basically our whole family is falling to shit.

Today though we are all medicated up and we feel fine.  So fine, in fact, that we went to an antique store and I found this bear head and asked twitter to convince me not to buy it:

But they were useless because they wanted it as badly as I did, but then I noticed the price tag and I’m not about to spend $200 for something that doesn’t even come with a neck.  Instead I’m holding out for a half-bear that still has arms to hug you with, because I think that would be very comforting when you were having a bad day.  Then Victor was all “Bears don’t hug you.  They maul you” and I reminded him that there’s a reason they call the best hugs “bear hugs” and I wrote “Look for bear arms” on my to-do list.  I think this whole bear incident is a sign of my maturing financial wiles and Victor says it’s a sign of my declining mental health, but in the end we left without a dead bear so everyone wins.  Except the bear, I guess.

This whole post needs way more commas and is even more rambly than usual.  Side-effect of the nitroglycerin, I suspect.  That and exploding, probably.

PS.  Spell-check says that “rambly” isn’t a real word.  Obviously spell-check doesn’t read this blog.

330 thoughts on “I want a medal for not writing a bear pun in this title.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. And I, for the record, am glad you didn’t explode. And that you’re not dead and stuff.

  2. So did they do an ultrasound of your gall bladder? Gall bladder attacks SUCK. The first time I had one, I also thought I was having a heart attack. Make sure you follow up on it. Hope you all feel better soon.

  3. Well holy fuck why isn’t RAMBLY a real word? Redneck is a real word, and they are nuts off the same hick tree. Next thing someone will say Dukes Of Hazzard wasn’t real…

    Fun post tho the whole “half bear” thing is totally gross…

  9. Glad you are home and better~ We had panic calls go out to our little group “OMG Jenny’s in the hospital! I think she had an anxiety attack from missing us after we left KY!” true story. Pretty sure it wasn’t related to us, but then again we are pretty amazing in person~ 🙂 Love ya Jenny~ Glad you are safe and sound~
    Pinky and the gang~

  10. Huggs. I’d like to know if it’s possible to have a panic attack while you’re asleep. But I’m really, really glad that your heart is okay. But taking aspirin is good when that might be the problem.

  11. OMG you totally need a half-bear, so that it can be turned into the bear-hug equivalent to the boyfriend arm pillow.

    Glad it wasn’t a heart attack. Those are scary.

  12. I needed this… Just had a horrible panic attack with extreme anger… Ty for making me feel normal 🙂

  14. I have had nytro…I agree…it tastes like ouchy! Glad it wasn’t a heart attack, but sucks you had to go to the ER. Hope you get everything figured out and fixed asap. Take care of you and the little one.

  15. I have a bear pelt, a bear footprint and a bear skull but no arms….or I would so give them to you.

    Also glad you aren’t dead

  16. I swear to Dog, I did the same thing last weekend, only without so much Little House on the Prairie. And yes, nitroglycerin tastes like evil bitter metal and I just wanted to swallow it instead of letting it dissolve, because I really did not need that taste any longer. What a fun time it was! (not)

  17. I’m sad for the bear, but I agree, you should look for bear arms. By the way, my mom says that she wants to hug a bear before she dies. It’s in her bucket list or something. I’m afraid of letting her go to a zoo unsupervised now.

  18. Follow up on that gall bladder shit. For reals. That pain is no joke. It’s like labor but without someone you can blame.

  19. I don’t know about “rambly” but scientists say that Brontosauruses don’t exist anymore. They have some other science name. I don’t know about that nonsense..but I am glad you are ok.

  21. Gallstone attacks are the fucking WORST, rolling on the floor screaming worst, finally had mine out last week after saying hi to emergency 3 times since Christmas….so you know, going through a whole other world of hurt right now. Insidious little fuckers.

    Hope you don’t wake up screaming again anytime soon, at least not because of gallstones….dreams of being mauled by bears, ok.

  22. Gall bladders can be total assholes, and I’m glad you’re okay! <3

  23. To the person who asked if its possible to have panic attacks in your sleep, yes it is very possible. I’ve woken up from a deep sleep having one and they are awful! You’re freaking out and its dark and you have no idea why you feel like this and for me, I had no idea for at least a good minute where I was because I was too freaked to find my glasses.

  24. I maintain this was nothing more than a failed regeneration that was spoiled by ambulance drivers who don’t know a Timelord when they see one.

  25. I’m glad you’re alive! That sounds scary and unfun. Except the bear part.

  26. I am tripping on this whole story. I wish i were in Amsterdam, or those two states where weed is legal, so I could re-read this (cuz i would NEVER do it illegally). ANYWHO, wow. glad you are all ok, and on another note… HOLY SHIT seeing your book on the top ten list in the Sunday paper today! I’ve checked it every day for YEARS (and have been slightly pissed off that the fifty shades series have lasted on the non-fiction portal for so long, but i digress), and was thrilled to see you there. I read your book last May, whilst in Morocco, just weeks after you published, so i can imagine this must feel amazing! even more amazing than your drugs!!!

  27. I always think about Little House on the Prairie when I hear nitroglycerin! Although, the best episode is when Ma almost cuts her leg off with a kitchen knife because she has an infected cut.

  28. I’m laughing so hard I think I’m going to vomit. In a good way. I think. I, too, am glad you are not dead, and I’ll be on the lookout for half-bears. HUZZAH!

  30. Rambly is completely a word. I use it all the time.

    Glad to hear everyone is starting to feel a little better! *sends* huge get will vibes!

  31. Glad you’ve got meds. And I would totally give you a bear hug. Then again I’ve given a bear hug to my husband before and he quickly informed me “you can’t bear hug someone with your mouth, that’s just biting”.

  33. Shit I wish there was some way to “like” the comments. Leslie’s comment cracked me up! So happy your heart didn’t explode. Hope you are feeling better soon!

  35. Something similar happened to me one night. Thought for sure I was having a heart attack – then, I threw up and felt better – ended up being my gallbladder in the end.

  36. Also, am the only person who’s wondering if there’s a headless taxidermied bear at another shop somewhere? Cuz that would be WAY more awesome than a head with no neck. All the bear hugs you want, without the scary bitey face

  37. My gallbladder kicks me in the ….gallbladder… at least once a year and I end up in the ER. That kind of pain is no JOKE and feels like an alien punching it’s way out through the space between your esophagus and guts. The problem is I am sharing my body with another little alien right now so until the one decides to come out sometime in July – I have to deal with the faulty gallbladder (which is a total BITCH to get a confirmed diagnosis on BTW) I sincerely hope you don’t get another attack like that.

  38. Omg, I have tears… only you could make a scary hospital visit funny. I’m grumpy and mean when I feel like I’m having a heart attack too (stupid panic attacks).

  40. the first time i had a gall bladder attack i was 25 weeks pregnant with my son and terrified. the second time i woke up in bed like you. That was the last straw for me. i had that sucker taken out.

  43. Ohhhhhh don’t call them ambulance drivers. Them’s fighting words.
    EMTs or Medics. I’m guessing Medics in your case.

    I’m glad you’re ok!

    -Lish, wife of a medic, friend to the crazy lady who brought a non-collating pic of herself with Wil Wheaton, and beig fan of yours. : )

  44. Dear lord, woman. So glad you’re okay. What would us crazy people do without our crazy leader? We’d go crazy amuck.

  45. That bear is pretty awesome but not $200 awesome. Make sure its a bear cub, a real ber will stand too high to give a proper bear hug. Although having a dead bear cub is creepy and sad, no matter how amazing the bear hug.
    I’m gad you didn’t die or explode.

  47. I had a similar experience with a gall bladdar attack. The doctor told me the type I’d had came with pain worse than childbirth. It was comforting. not. I later found out that an acquaintance from school happened to be in the emergency waiting room, and kindly decided against making small talk while I was screaming in pain. Turns out that when you come in to an overcrowded Canadian ER in a wheelchair, screaming profanities at the top of your lungs, they get you a bed. fast. I feel your pain.

  48. Are you sure it was Little House on the Prairie? I feel like it was Wild, Wild West, and instead of Pa, it was Will Smith. Well, tomato, tomahto…

  49. Oh the Bear puns we could make. Glad you are all better, but watch out for that gallbladder. They are viscous organs.

  50. I’m so happy you’re alive still! I’m not done laughing at you yet! (Laughing with you?) You make me laugh and I still need you.

  53. Now I know what my patients are going through when we tell them we are giving them nitro. I always thought the confused look was just because we shortened it to “nitro” because we are too busy keeping them alive to care that they have a clue. Now to google the Little House ep.

  56. Sorry you had a heart scare, those are the worst!!! Also glad you don’t own a neckless (not to mention bodyless) bear for $200. That is clearly over priced!
    Carrie @ Just Mildly Medicated

  57. I’m so glad you all are medicated and okay. If it was a gallbladder attack, I know that’s no fun at all! Also, as someone who recently picked up a minor infection from a hospital visit (not my own), I know that’s no fun at all. Granted, the elderly gentleman with double pneumonia is more likely to stay in bed and keep his pants on than the previous roommate, but he comes with some inherent related illness risks.

  58. scary stuff. i concur…follow up with checking the ole’ gall bladder, sounds like it’s acting up big time. could have been panic, but doubt it. glad you’re ticker is terrific!!! take care!

  59. Crap. That was scary. Maybe you shouldn’t do THAT again.

    Well, you gotta get well soon because I just saw on TV that there is some show that is new that is all about people who do creative taxidermy. You know–sorta like that hamster with wings thingy you’ve got–except it’s a WHOLE SHOW on that!! Of course I said “Wow–The Bloggess would LOVE that…” but now I don’t remember what it is called or what channel it is on or anything important like that. Sorry.

    Anywho…hope you are feeling better soon.

  60. Make sure they do an ultrasound on your gallbladder!! I went to ER 5 times before they finally did an ultrasound and then I had mine removed…..I had 55 stones in there!!! That was potential for another 55 trips to the ER!! Pain worse than child birth in my opinion. Glad you are ok!!

  62. I read this whole thing to my fiance and his only response? “I remember that episode.” I sighed at him.

  63. Not sure if gallstones are as bad as kidney stones, but I know a woman who’s had kidney stones and given birth, and she says they’re equally painful…

    Which is why i can NEVER GET KIDNEY STONES…I *CANNOT* handle that level of pain…

  65. I’ve had that exact gall bladder attack. Get the gall bladder ultrasound Girl. I mean it. Or you will keep having these heart attack-like things. I had 3 of them before someone figured out it was my gall bladder. Gall bladder out – have had a heart-attack like event since!

  66. Umm, who has the rest of that bear? Cause it would be kinda sick to have a headless bear body in your family room. Those sick jerks need to just give you the rest of the bear so you can stitch him back up like Frankenbear. Then have him next to your bed in case of sleeping anxiety attacks so you can wake up & get an immediate bear hug to calm you down. And to make Victor jealous.

  69. Oh my; thanks for the laughs – almost choked on my cookie. Feel better. (All.)

  71. I had a billion tests done on my gallbladder and they said nothing was wrong. I begged the doctor to make up a condition and take it out. He did and he said when they got in there, it was diseased. Huh. Recently I started having attacks exactly like you explained. I thought panic attack or heart attack. My gauge on whether to call EMS is if I crap myself. Then it’s a heart attack and 911 should be called. Otherwise I take a Xanax and go back to bed. Doctor thinks it’s an asthma attack. Had one this morning – inhaler did not help; Xanax did. Hope you find the problem soon and get it taken care of.

  75. Hailey was like “Are you guys going to go to jail?” and I was all “Only your father. I’m not going to be alive that long.” You are so funny. Also, it inspired me to share this with you: “The earth makes a sound as of sighs and the last drops fall from the emptied cloudless sky. A small boy, stretching out his hands and looking up at the blue sky, asked his mother how such a thing was possible. Fuck off, she said.” ? Samuel Beckett

  77. I wish you were my bestest friend!

    My friend of medical problems says “Nitroglycerin does taste like pain.”

  79. Holy Hannah! That is to say, holy-fucking-cow, what a night! Glad you’re okay, and thanks for taking one for the team – the team being all of us – and doing the taste-test thing on the nitro.

    As for the neck-less bear, not to be confused with the necklace bear, it’s totally lame without the neck. I mean, it can’t even roar in an imaginary way because without a neck, it has not voice box. Pointless.

    And as for “rambly,” I hope you added it to your computer’s dictionary, so spell check will have a clue next time you use it. That’s what I just did.

    Be well. 🙂

  81. Jenny, while you search out bear arms, could you also keep an eye out for a bear’s butt? The reason why I am asking is my father-in-law is a hunter and has all kinds of mounted deer heads and next time he wants to show them off to me, I totally think it would be awesome if I could be like, “Yeah, you might have deer heads but I have A BEAR’S BUTT.” That totally would make me the winner over anything, EVER.

  83. What a night! Glad you’re all okay. 🙂 If you find bear arms, could I come over and hug it? That would just make my day.

  85. I had a gallbladder attack when I was pregnant. It was so horrible and I thought I was dying or in labor and I went to the ER and they were so distracted by the fact that my blood pressure was high that they didn’t check for anything else. Seriously. I was all “Hey…I’m HURTING and SCARED…I would think that if my blood pressure WASN’T high, there’d be something really wrong with me like being a sociopath or something.” But they just sent me home and told me to collect my pee for 24 hours so they could make sure I didn’t have pre-eclampsia. I was still in pain and they said, “well, you just may have some pain like this until the end of your pregnancy.” I had a month to go.

    I finally figured out it had been a gall bladder attack when I had another one two months after my daughter was born.

    Worst. Pain. Ever.

    Even my mother, who had an actual heart attack, said the gall bladder attack she had was worse.

  86. I’m glad you’re feeling better!

    I really love how that bear is smiling…he really knows how to sell himself…or something.

  87. Glad you are ok. By the way….we don’t like to be called ambulance drivers. 🙂

    (I really should already know that. My sister was one for years. “Ambulance drivers” sounds more fun than “EMT’s” though. You’re like race-car drivers, but with better drugs. Plus the whole “saving lives while speeding” thing. There should be a new term for you. Something like “speeding-unicorn” but sexier. ~Jenny)

  88. I had my gallbladder out in 1997. And like a bad gift that just keeps on giving, every few years I get sludge that has something to do with my now-missing gallbladder that makes its way into my pancreas and gives me the most explosive, hideous pain that feels like my back and gut are exploding simultaneously. The most recent event had been 3 years ago until I was sitting in a staff meeting last Wednesday and WHAM, there it was again.

    I can’t even blame the meeting, although technically I suppose I could say that it brought on the attack, because clearly my pancreas couldn’t take the debate over which grading scale we’re going to be using next year. (Because honestly, the whole discussion is somewhat insane and frankly it doesn’t matter if we use 100 or 98 as our “Meets” scale since numbers and standards-based assessment don’t go together anyway.)

    I digress.

    Anyway, it went away after an hour and three advil (it always does) and I went to my doctor and he made them draw blood–always high on my list of “fun adventures”–and it came back that (1) I have awesome cholesterol (so good I should be on some poster for “if you eat right and exercise your cholesterol could be as good as hers), and (2) my liver is completely whacked and my liver “levels” are four times normal and now I get to have an ultrasound.

    And I don’t even get to take a baby home at the end of it because ultrasounds = babies, right?

    Anyway, all this triggered my anxiety and frankly I’ve been huddled on the couch with a book and a blanket, while my awesomely supportive husband and two girls (6 and 13) were tiptoeing around making zero demands. My littlest kept asking me if I was “sick again”. And I hated saying yes.

    The only, only, only thing that is keeping my brain together while it dances over thoughts of “liver failure” and “hepatitis” and “cancer” and my very favorite “pancreatic cancer” (which my dad-in-law died of in 26 days flat) is the one little comment you tweeted again the other day:

    Depression lies.

    I know it does. But damn it’s hard to remember that when my liver is pissed off at me and I have had to wait through the entire weekend for the offices to open so I can get my appointment for that ultrasound.

    I’m gonna be a wreck. But depression lies. I’m counting on it.

    Thanks.

    (Depression does lie. Sending you hugs. Bear hugs. ~ Jenny)

  89. me to my husband in a text message: the bloggess was in the hospital for a gallbladder attack and a panic attack : (
    joe: gallbladder attack? those things can attack you?
    me: apparently. makes for a fun 90s episode of cops.
    then i started singing “bad boys bad boys whatcha gonna do” in my head while he texted back: “rawwwwwrrr ahmma gaww bladddurrr!!
    maybe it’s just me, but i laughed….

  90. Gallbladders are made of fail and suck. I kicked mine to the curb in June and have not missed it one bit. If yours gets removed, have them do it with the robot, for no other reason than robots are cool and you can imagine the surgeon making light saber noises during the surgery. I know there’s all this it’s better, you heal faster, blah blah blah. I cared less about that than the cool factor.

  91. Watch this and tell me that bear hugs aren’t the best hugs:

    Warning: contains polar bears, dogs, and cuteness.

  92. You are on Instigram and I had no idea! How do I find and follow you? I think it’s only fitting since I’m not on twitter and can not follow you there. I’m glad you didn’t explode.

    (I’m actually not on instagram. I just act like I am so I fit in with the cool kids. I have no idea how instagram even works. How embarrassing. ~ Jenny)

  94. That bear’s nostrils are way too big for $200.

    When I was recounting how I had driven my son to the ER to his pediatrician, she asked why I hadn’t called 911. I was ultra confused, as the thought had never crossed my mind. I said, “Um, I guess I listened to too much Public Enemy in my youth.” I bet the cops would like that answer as much as the doctor did.

  95. well, if you did die, I’ll bet somebody would pay $200 for your head

  96. I remember that episode! Didn’t some guy Pa worked with die when he was trying to blow up a rock?

  97. Holy crap, Jenny! I’m glad you are okay, but sorry you experienced all that. Good that it happened when you were at home and not on the book tour. Take care!

  98. I laughed so hard, I came close to falling outta my chair. Glad you’re OK tho. I also have anxiety, panic and, if my sister didn’t drag me out, I’d never leave this house. I contribute lots of money to the pharmaceutical companies that make anti-anxiety meds. BTW, rambly IS a word. Everyone knows that and if it didn’t used to be, it is now. Cheers to you!

  99. At least it wasn’t a heart attack. Those machines know what a heart attack looks like, but not a gall bladder attack.

    If it was your gall bladder, they might have to take it out. That’s what happened to me, and it wasn’t as bad as it sounds. The only downside to it was they didn’t let me keep any of the gallstones they found, even thought the doc said they’d never seen so many in one person. He also said they sent some of the larger ones off to be studied, so I totally felt ripped off. I’d work on a surgery pre-nup if I were you. Car repair shops have to return parts they pull from you car; maybe you can convince the hospital that applies to gallstones.

  100. A bear hug isn’t awesome. You told us that when you were hugged by a sloth. You said sloth hugs are the most awesome hugs in the world. Wouldn’t you rather have a stuffed sloth to hug?

  101. Glad you are ok. That sounds way scary. I would crap myself for sure so you are a rock star for remaining unsoiled.

  102. whew…I saw the pic and read this post as fast as I could so I could get to the part where you didn’t die, and then I was all, “what the hell did I just read?” so I went back and read it again. Stay well.

  103. I’m glad you didn’t get the bear ’cause there is something seriously wrong with his nose. To the point that its really, sincerely creepy. More than the other ded aminals. Oh, yeah! I’m REALLY glad you’re not ded too!!

  104. And here I was on Friday all psyched because there was a mini-Beyonce outside of my hair salon (where I caved and said yes to the overpriced deep-conditioning treatment). Then I was at Costco, and after I put the three dozen eggs, $20.99 T-Fal saute pan and a bottle of prosecco in my cart, I spied stacks of the paperback version of your book. I grabbed one, threw it at my boyfriend and exhorted him to read “And That’s Why You Pick Your Battles” so he would know why I had to take a picture of a metal chicken and make it my FB profile pic.
    (I hope you are OK. I remember the panic attack that sent me to the emergency room and I couldn’t breathe and all I could think of was how much I resembled the very old version of Katherine Hepburn for as shaky as I was.)

  105. Holy Crap! Thank god you are alright. Where would we get our taxidermy and our cat updates and our weirdness from if you died? NOWHERE THAT’S WHERE.

    I’m glad you are okay.

  106. You know for years, I just wanted a Buffalo head on my wall, but now I want a bear rug to go with it. You are such an awesome inspiration for interior design, except the post was about your visit to the ER and I’m being incredibly insensitive by not starting out the comment with, “THANK GOD YOU ARE OKAY I would go crazy if you couldn’t blog anymore.” Well, that is still pretty insensitive and very selfish on my part, but I really am glad you are okay for your sake and your family’s sake. Non-hallucinations are very interesting. Don’t you hate it when all the crazy people think you are the crazy one? Anyway, seriously, follow up with your doctor. And according to an LPN friend of mine, if you were thinking along the lines of heart attack early on, she said more often than not, with women, 99% of the time when we have a heart attack, we experience not chest pains, but back pains. Sending lots of bear hugs your way. LUVS

  109. and now the hubs and I are arguing. I am planning our dream house here, and he is totally against putting a pink bow on the buffalo head and bear’s head on the rug. Seriously, we have 3 girls. We need pink bows on the dead animals. He’s just afraid he’s going to lose his man card. Pansy.

  110. I’m still not even sure what a gallbladder IS, but if it’s attacking you, maybe you could have it removed and use it as a water balloon or a hot water bottle. I imagine gallbladders being roughly football-sized and made of dark red rubber. I’d just wikipedia “gallbladders”, but I don’t want to ruin my mental playground with reality any more than I have to.

  111. Oh honey I wish you and yours a speedy recovery to heathy and nonexplotyness. PS: I went to a kid’s museum this weekend that had a visible woman and lite up her gall bladder and she told us you can live without one. Also we made her boobies light up because science is awesome.

  112. You know you have standards when you hold out for bear neck and arms.
    Hey, look….my last post wasn’t a real post either!

  113. I woke up to what I thought was a heart attack… turned out to be a pretty fantastic panic attack.

    Of all days? On my wedding night. Yeah. The night everyone else assumes you’re getting bizzay, I’m freaking out that I AM GOING TO DIE. Guess all that stress/excitement/nerves of a billion out of town guests and family I haven’t seen in forever finally kicked my ass.

    Eep. I’m so glad you’re better.

  114. Let me say that I’m super happy you’re okay. I’ve dispensed nitroglycerin but have never tasted it. Now I know what to tell people who ask what it tastes like, if it won’t get my fired from my non-existant pharmacist job. 🙂

  116. Guide to Instagram:

    1. Install Instagram app.
    2. Register.
    3. Post pictures of sunsets, random pseudo-artistic stuff like empty cans in the street, and selfies doing duckface.
    4. Share images to Twitter where they don’t show up properly because Instagram got bought by Facebook then almost immediately banned Twitter from embedding their images.
    5. Read people’s inane “nice sunset” or “wow, so arty” or “you look gorgeous” comments.
    6. Uninstall Instagram app before you start believing that depression doesn’t lie all over again.

    Also, glad you’re not dead. Maybe your gallbladder had a panic attack.

  118. No, I was right the first time. Crap. Please delete this comment and the last one. Ta. FFS!

  119. There was an episode of Bonanza with nitro too. That’s where I learned you can’t carry it in a wagon drawn by horses over a rough mountain. This has served me well (not) ever since. Glad you are ok.

  120. Partway through this I actually thought to myself “thank goodness she told us at the beginning that she doesn’t die!” Then I slapped myself because, obviously, if you’re posting about it you didn’t die. Duh. It’s probably time to get off the computer.

  121. I’ve never commented before, but I wanted to let you know that I’m glad you’re alive! And I appreciate you and your blog and my local independent bookstore just got your paperback so I can finally afford to buy a copy. Hope you and your family feel better and get really great drugs.

  122. Good for you for going to the hospital! I’m a Cardiac Critical Care nurse – tons of people don’t go and die for it. A false alarm is better than a funeral. Glad all are at least semi-well. Good luck with the bear arms. I support the right to have bear arms. 🙂

  123. Here’s to feeling,,,,better. Had my first ambulance ride 13 years ago because I was sure it was a heart attack, it was anxiety. On the other hand, if it is a gallbladder problem, then you are my total hero because i would have insisted on a ride in the cop car and no way I would have been so polite to wait for an ambulance.

    I am still in cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety, which cost about as much as two bear arms but so worth it….totally worth it….it is a process that worked for me

    I hope for the best,,,,your site and tweets make my day, every day

  124. Frankly, I’m rather shocked the ‘look for bear arms’ wasn’t already on your to-do list. Get with it. I suppose this could also be a side-effect of almost exploding. At least the problem has been duly remedied. (Btw, do you have a secret love-affair with hospitals?)

  125. So glad you are alive. Was worried that Kansas City frightened you. Thanks again for coming. I was the one too scared to talk to you and just kind of stood there smiling and nodding.

  126. I’m joining in on the ‘glad your not dead and stuff’ crowd, but having an ambulance explode from nitroglycerine would be kind of cool, provided it was an ACME® explosion and everyone was fine, but covered in soot.

  127. P.S. On the other hand, what is it with internal organs going postal? Sometimes I think evolution is a bitch if we have to put up with organs so advanced they learn how to attack us. Seriously.

  130. Did they tell you that gall bladder attacks always happen in the middle of the night? Who decided that, I’s like to know.

  131. OMG, I am so glad I am not the only one uses Little House references! My son had a bloody nose and I told his doctor I was convince it was leukemia because an episode of Little House had a boy dying from leukemia and he had bloody noses! Seriously, they should have had disclaimers on that show for impressionable young children!

  132. This should be more embarrassing… I once spent an hour trying to decide if I was having a heart attack. With my 3 year old’s fisher price stethoscope.

    But they gave you the ‘glycerin? Du-ude.

  133. Gallbladders are Satan’s organ, I swear! I had to take that nitroglyercin stuff last year and it’s AWFUL! I said to the nurse, ‘Uh, my tongue feels like it’s burning!” Her response? “Good. That how you know you got a good one.”
    I don’t even want to KNOW WTF a BAD one would be like!

    SO glad you’re OK! My life would seriously not be complete without you!

  134. Oh, Jenny, Jenny! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I had attacks for YEARS and went to a GI doctor, who did tons of tests and said that yes, the pain is bad, but not bad enough. (REALLY??) Then I had the WORST attack EVER while at work (they always happen at work — wonder why?) and my GP sent me to a surgeon (who looked like Doogey Howser, by the way, only younger), who told me I was INSANE to have gone this long without having it removed. You know what else the little fucker said to me? “You should have known — gallbladder disease can be summed up in 4 F’s: fat, flatulent, fair (skinned) and over 40.” I almost kicked that little boy out of the exam room, but then who would do the surgery? To add more sting to the entire episode, the anesthesiologist who talked to me before the surgery also looked about 13 (what? everyone under 30 looks 13 to me), said, “You had a SIP of water before coming here? Do you know that you could ASPHYXIATE AND DIE????” Listen, Buster Brown, I’ve been having surgeries since before you ever had your first night emission and I KNOW I can have a little water before surgery.
    Wait. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Jenny, get that stupid, worthless piece of shit OUT OF YOUR BODY NOW.
    And I’m glad you’re okay.
    And I do remember the Little House on the Prairie Episode.
    And rambly IS a word, but I think it’s spelled rambley. Or maybe not.
    And never call them ambulance drivers. Call them angels. Because they are.

    PS Thank you for coming to Kansas City!

  135. Ahahahahsha and also ow!!! The while story and Leslie’s pun had me laughing til tears rolled!! Having said that I’m soooo sorry to hear that you were suffering and Victor and the wee one were infected!! Please be well and know we’re all sending you bear hugs!!

  136. If you gave a real bear nitroglycerine tablets, they would probably blow the top half of him, including the arms, right friggen off.

    All you’d need then would be for Victor to mop up the blood and cauterize the bottom so his liver and stuff would not fall on your cats.

    And then?

    Bear hugs all around.

    Even for Victor.

    I am not responsible if Hunter S. goes exploring inside the half-bear carcass.

    And please do not do any interviews with the bear in plain sight.

    Because my Bichon goes crazy when he sees an animal on TV.

    Even a lobster.

    A LOBSTER for crying out loud.

  137. Funny footnote, the brontosaurus never really existed. True story. It was just paleontologist humor that went too far.

    I think this also means they will have to reshoot Jurassic Park for historical accuracy.

    Sorry an imaginary dinosaur played piano on your chest.

  138. Glad you’re okay! Also, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has her husband drive her to the ER when she thinks she’s having a heart attack. Heck, we even stopped up the street to drop off my daughter at my in-laws’ house. Turned out I had pleurisy which feels like you’re being stabbed in the heart.

  139. So very, very glad you’re okay! I’ll keep the information about nitroglycerine in my mind for future reference. Thank you!

  142. Like everyone else, I’m glad you are feeling better and hope your hubby and daughter feel better too.

    I had a prolonged hospital stay last year because of gallstones which caused necrotising pancreatitis and whole lot more problems.

  144. Just finished your book. I think I’m going to re-read it because once was just not enough. I know this comment is not relevant in regards to your post, but I still felt it belonged here somewhere.

  145. This isn’t a real comment. It’s just my way of letting you know how grateful I am that you and the fam are ok now !!!!! Thanks for keeping us posted ?!

  146. Nitro pills suck. Ok, if you are having a heart attack I guess they are a great thing. But the brain killing headache that comes after… no one warns you about. They should have a warning that says- if you take this, you might live, but you will want to dig your brains out with a fucking spoon, before your head fucking explodes- I am paraphrasing here…

    On the up side, you are hopefully feeling better. No one else I know collects taxidermied small animals. And if I cant get my fix here…. well then.. I might have to collect them myself. And I KNOW I cannot afford $200 just for the head of a bear!

  147. Hope everyone feels better soon.

    Where do you suppose the rest of the bear is? Is there some other antique store selling it from the neck down and someone is balking at the price for a headless bear?

  148. 1. There was totally an episode of LOST with nitroglycerin.
    2. You have the right to bear arms.

  149. hi….i think you’re the funniest writer i’ve ever read. ever. and i’m old and i’ve read a lot. for a long time. ever. not kidding. thanks for the laughs.

  150. OH MY GOD!! How freaking scary! I’m glad that you are okay and everyone is all medicated and getting back to healthy. Also, I’m glad you didn’t take home the bear – you are absolutely right, for $200 you should get a neck at least. Arms are bonus, and Victor is wrong, only live bears maul you, if it’s taxidermied then it would be a great hug.

  151. I have a very large mastiff. She loves to lay in the middle of any floor in the house in many different positions, but rarely moving, and almost always blocking a major pathway. We call her our living bear rug, if that counts for anything.

    And EVER SO GLAD your ambulance episode wasn’t more serious. Good you’re back and medicated! All will be right in the world again now!

    =D

  152. Gallbladder attacks are the worst pain. While waiting in a stretcher with an EMS guys he told me that in a pain study they ranked worse then a gun shot…. All I could think was “who volunteered for that study?” Did it go something like ” ok, we are going to induce an attack and then shoot you in the leg. Which hurts worse?”

  153. Thank you for not dying. I just discovered you, and that would have jacked up my entire need to read more of your ramblings. Floated in the pool today, getting a sunburn, reading Let’s Pretend. I wish Jenkins was there to comfort you, except quail aren’t all that comforting. Feel better.

  154. I had a gallbladder attack in the middle of the night. It felt like I imagine a Cyberman upgrade feels like, if the screams are any indication. Apparently it was a HUGE emergency and I had to check in the hospital RIGHT AWAY, after which I was told the surgeon would be arriving during normal business hours. On the plus side, morphine is aaaaawesome.

    I am glad you are okay, sorry your family is sick, and feel a little confused about why they didn’t do tests to know right away if it was your gallbladder. I hope you get answers soon. PS, good call on holding out for a bear with arms. That seems sensible.

  155. I’m fairly certain it was John Wayne and Katherine Hepburn who were driving the wagon full of nitroglycerine across the river. I can’t remember Pa ever doing that.

    You do need to exercise your constitutional right to own bear arms.

    I hope all three of you are feeling better!

  156. I awoke to that same sort of pain, and it lasted for a bit. ER, speeding, insanity, and then they were all “well, your lab work says you didn’t have a heart attack.” So they made me wait 6 more hours. “It still says you didn’t have a heart attack”. They made me spend the might (in the ER, oh joy, but I got some happy meds). Turns out the specialist figured out it was Pericarditis (which is often mis treated as a heart attack and might only last a few hours… it’s a virus which people with auto immune diseases …hint hint… often get of the lining of the heart. It’s not your heart, it’s your heart sack.) I still have it, so I’m on antiinflamitory for 6 months.

    I’m so betting you have pericarditis. Sounds like it, and with the RA…it’s a real possibility. Also hard to hear. If you have an auto immune disease, this is pretty common. And it hurts like SHEEEEEEET

    http://yankeeskeptic.com/2013/02/19/my-itchy-scratchy-heart-or-im-not-dead-yet/

  157. You’re so awesome. Glad you’re not dead from the nitroglycerin and I support bear hugs!

  158. For the record, I’d like to state that I voted in the negative for the bear head. 1) It has teeth. Big teeth. if you accidentally dropped it on your leg, you would essentially be bitten by a bear. 2) if anything has the ability to reanimate itself, a bear would be the animal to do so. They’re evil. They look cute. They look fuzzy. The stand up and act like they’re on the corner waiting for the bus. But they have claws like Wolverine and they just want to eat you. And one of the lesser-known side effects of nitro, taken sublingually (which spell check doesn’t like, but if sublingual is a word, then why isn’t sublingually?) is a lowered ability to distinguish lethal from non-lethal forms of taxidermied animals.

    bt/un-m

  159. i’m really glad you are okay. and you NEED a bear with arms. duh! to hug you if you ever have to take nitroglycerine again!

  162. I had a gallbladder infection and had to have it removed about 2 months ago. Worst. Pain. Ever. At least you got some good drugs and Victor got a ticket. It’s the little things, right?

    If you’re in the hospital again and are dying of boredom (and/or doped up on pain meds), I wrote a series about my gallbladder incident and subsequent hospital stay. It should make you feel better because I also yelled expletives at my husband while in pain and on the way to the ER. Isn’t that in the vows?

    http://www.rantingseriously.com/2013/01/yup-it-finally-happened.html

    http://www.rantingseriously.com/2013/01/post-surgery-complications-with-nurse.html

    http://www.rantingseriously.com/2013/01/two-chicks-and-room-full-of-jell-o.html

  164. Gah, those ER scares are the WORST. Glad you’re better. A virtual hug is available if wanted.

  165. How is it that I can laugh all the way through that?? It’s so not nice… damn it, I am a bad person.
    I’m glad you said no to a servered head… it shows incredible retraint

  166. Finally reading your blog, after hearing so much about it. And following you on Twitter. This was hilarious. But seriously, gall bladder attacks are no joking matter, and I hope you’re doing better.

    Christie from lifewithbeagle.com

  167. I think that the bears that try to maul you are the ones who are the most in need of a hug, don’t you? Also, I think that they should at least make nitroglycerin in doughnut form. If its going to suck that badly, at least you get to eat a doughnut without guilt and can say that the doctor literally told you that you had to eat a doughnut.
    Anyway, I’m glad you are ok!!
    -Kristen

  168. 1.) So glad you’re okay.
    2.) So glad you didn’t buy the bear. Even w/o tusks, he felt like a rerun. Go full hugging bear! There’s only one James Garfield. Speaking of which, I totally have a veil with a tiara attached for him if he needs one. And rose colored glasses. But I digress.
    3.) Hugs.

  171. So, basically, when suffering from a mystery illness that feels like it could be the end of your days, you should treat yourself with late 1800s explosives. Good to know, good to know…

    I did always think that what I learned from Little House on the Prairie would save my life one day.

  172. There are so many comments I’m afraid I’m just piling on, but I wanted you to know that I’m really happy you’re not explody and like, dead and stuff because you make me happy. I’m sorry you hurt though. I would totally fix it (in an incredibly platonic and non threatening manner because I don’t want to be inappropriate or anything) if I could.

  173. OMG! I thought I was the only one that remembered EVERY EPISODE of Little House on the Prairie! I totally remember the one with Pa driving the wagonload of nitroglycerin! That was when he and Mr. Edwards had to go work in the mines in order to make money for their families because storms killed all the crops! I’m right, right? Remember? Damn, Pa was the best looking man that ever walked the earth, and if he got all teary-eyed, there’s not a man alive that wouldn’t be crying right along with him. He was THAT GOOD.

  174. Just wanted to let you know how much I *adore* you, in a totally non-stalker creeper way, even though I still have a picture of you and me on my phone from your first book tour and I show it to everyone, even total strangers so I can brag to people about how *I* got to hug Jenny Lawson and that makes me better than them. I’m very very glad you are not seriously ill…aside from your anxiety depression rheumatoid arthritis and things. Also, rambly is TOTALLY a word.

  175. I had three gallbladder attacks before I had the thing ripped out. They are the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. Not only that, the last for hours. The surgery is out-patience and I could have went to work the next day. The best part is I got a script for Medical Marijuana.

  176. I think the bear head would have been an excellent addition you could set it on the edge of things like countertops and beds. Who doesn’t like waking up with a bear head, or turning with a morning cup of hot coffee and seeing a FREAKING BEAR lurking there.

  177. Another good reason not to buy the bear head: it would sort of be like cheating on James Garfield. You’d bring the bear home and James Garfield would be like “What the fuck do you need another toothy animal for? Am I not good enough for you?” and then you’d have to put them in therapy and it is all downhill from there.

    PS – Please don’t die, that would suck.

  178. This is the first time “the right to bear arms” has ever made sense to me.

    Also, thank you, thank you, thank you for being you. Feel better soon!

  180. Jenny,

    Big suck for your pain and ER visit. On the bright side, how often do you get Little House reruns to stream mentally?

    I have a thought for you having had both a gall bladder attack and horrific chest pains. The first is that my GB attack began with pain on my right side in my back, then moved to the front and mostly in the area under my rib cage. There was the lovely nausea/vomiting, increasing painpainpainPAIN, ER visit and, finally, EXCELLENT drugs. Obs. symptoms are always different for each person, but my reason for telling you this is that my horrific chest pain (occuring at diferent times from my GB attack) was completely non-related to the GB. It was something called Costochondritis, completely NON-lethal, and totally stress-related (as well as rheumatoid arthritis-related). Considering your book tour (yay, btw. I LOVE your book!) as well “normal” stress you endure, it is something else to consider that would not involve surgery. It is something that can feel like a hear attack but isn’t and is treated with OTC anti-imflamitories.

    I know I’m a big fat know-it-all and I beg your forgiveness if I (you know, TOTAL stranger) have over stepped, but I if you’ve got something new to deal with, I’d rather it be a relatively small requiring Advil something new versus a requiring anesthesia something new.

    In other completely non-related news, you are an inspiration to me Jenny. The world is a better place because you are here.

    Hugs

  181. Clearly the doctors don’t read your blog because if they did your heart wouldn’t have been a concern. You’ll pass someday of something far more interesting. I suppose a gallbladder wielding a knife is always possible. That is what they mean by a gallbladder attack, right?

  182. Actually a friend of mine HAS a half-bear that she made her husband take down because it scared her the dog. Not the kids; the kids love it. The DOG is terrified of it.
    I’m also glad you didn’t explode, and that definitely WAS an episode of Little House on the Prairie.
    And I’ve been told that “oh my god i’m having a heart attack” feeling could also be an ulcer. In case you need more things to worry about. Which I suppose you don’t, since worrying can … cause ulcers.
    I’m going to stop typing now.

  185. I totally get the bear thing. One of my best friends who lives in Georgia happens to have a life-size, carved wood bear in her back yard. It’s really cool, and it has two teeth that looking strikingly like vampire teeth. I call it her vampire bear.

  187. I also get really angry when I’m hurt, Josh is a trooper for putting up with me. It happens a lot. I’m very accident prone.

    Also, gallbladders are useless, I haven’t had one for years. The only thing is if I eat too much greasy food I just throw up grease balls instead of digesting it like a normal person. So…there’s that.

  188. Spell check *should* read your blog, and I am glad you are well enough to “bear arms”.

  189. Spell check can go fuck itself!! I’m glad you got through this. I admire your strength and your ability to laugh at everything!

  190. If you want bear arms, you go get’em Jenny. It’s your second amendment right.

  191. We have lots o’ taxidermy in these parts, so if I come across an upper-bear torso I’ll message you in an instant. We have more jackalope than you could shake a stick at, but generally a paucity of real (non-poached) display-worthy animal bits.

  196. Gall bladder attacks can be pretty awful. The one i had got me making the young un’s take me to the ER at 3am where the ER went into a panic about my anemia but “Oh yes that pain in your gut, that’s the gall bladder… we’ll get you into surgery once we get your strength up…” (so yeah a couple days in the hospital surgery, another couple days and then sent home.)

    did I mention I started getting sick while out with friends and at _District 9_ at the theater. I recall the movie as Very Trippy so will have to eventually watch it again. (because I’m not sure if it was actually as trippy as I remember, somewhere on the level of LSD trip + Movie with human size bug like aliens… and a guy mutating: very much like a 50’s B movies but with better effects.)

    ALSO, Yes I TOTALLY remember that episode of _Little House On The Prairie_ neither Pa nor Mr. Edwards was blown up…

  198. I’ve had nitro. It makes the top of your spine want to separate from your skull, briefly. I hope you feel better soon.

    And depression does lie. It lies like a bitch. I gave myself a silver cuff bracelet last Christmas that has Depression Lies engraved right on it so I won’t forget…ever. Many days it saves me. The other days I read excerpts from your book. I’m still here.

  199. I had my first gallbladder attack when I was traveling Africa. I had NO IDEA what was going on. Symptoms got worse over the years until one night I was pacing the house wishing the alien would just pop out of my chest so I could get some relief! That was about the time I decided to drive myself to the hospital. Cuz yeah, I make good decisions too.

    Welcome to the dysfunctional gallbladder club. Your options are to eat less fatty foods or get rid of your gallbladder. I did both. 🙂

  200. Oh the pain of gall stones … The only relevant experience for men to understand the pain of delivery. I had a few attacks last year, have stopped eating fat and have been pretending its not a problem. But after reading your readers’ comment, I will be seeing the doc as soon as he lets me. So maybe this will end up on the good for at least one reader.

    I have been so looking forward to seeing you in SF/SJ (with the armload of your books that I’ve bought) but I have to do other traveling Sunday/tues-weds and don’t think that reality will let me do it all. Close to crying about that. Maybe I can send you book plates (or My Name Is badges) that you could sign and I would stick in?

    Actually, (since I can’t come), maybe you should cancel the last bit of your tour to recover? I was already worries about your stamina and gall bladder attacks (or panic attacks) do take it out of you. Rest, have your cat give you foot massages, get better.

  201. I thought you meant the LAST episode of Little House, where they blow up the whole town. And no, I didn’t make that up. That’s what actually happened.

  202. You’re right, nitro does taste like pain. It also gave me terrible headaches, to the point that I didn’t want to take the nitro. Finally, after many tests and being asked way too many times if I was under any stress (Yes, I’m having chest pains and you people can’t tell me why!), they figured out I have a small artery in my heart that gets the hiccups. Doc said I won’t know if it’s a heart attack until I’m dead. Yippee! And now I can’t take fish oil pills either, cuz they give me chest pains too. Fun times.

    I got to be in the room when my mom’s gall bladder was ultra-sounded. Kind of fun to watch the gall stones roll across her gall bladder when they asked her to change positions.

  203. I love the way the doctors languidly waved you away with a casual “probably gall bladder or panic attack . . . we don’t really know which . . . but anyway . . . bye.” Sort of gives you faith in the medical profession. Glad you’re okay.

  204. Worst feeling I ever had was waking up int middle of the night thinking I was having a panic attack (again) only to realize it was an earthquake, that lasted half an hour (read: FOREVER) and having a minor panic attack because of said earthquake…

  205. This reminded me of two things. First, that I own a t-shirt that says “The Second Amendment” and it is jar a picture of a dude but his arms are bear arms. And also that one time my friend Erin said she wanted to kill someone with her bear hands (misspelling unintentional), so I found her some koala puppets to wear while she strangled someone. And every time I envision this scenario I laugh like a crazy person, usually while riding the subway by myself.

  206. You scared the fuck outta when I saw the pic on the book of faces. I am so glad you’re OK. Hugest nice bear hugs to you and yours.

    Thanks for bringing back the memory of that Little House episode. I have so few memories of my life before anorexia literally ate my brain. Apparently, it regurgitated that little bon mot… Amazing.

  208. I had an episode similar to this. Only the ambulance guys had a difficult time finding my house in the country, and they had left their bed at the hospital on a previous run so I got to ride in the jump seat, and they couldn’t get an I.V. stuck in anywhere so gave up, and they drove to the hospital at the speed limit with NO lights or sirens. The hospital people decided it was a heart attack and I was given nitro pills 3 times plus got blood thinners injected into my stomach because if it wasn’t a heart attack it was a blood clot in my lungs. After a few hours, many, many vials of blood, 2 sets of chest x-rays, a CT scan, and a phone call with my personal physician, they finally gave me a breathing treatment for the asthma attack I kept trying to tell them I was having. I’ve now developed a panic/anxiety disorder about my asthma because everyone around me is too farking stupid to help me when I can’t help myself.

  209. Calling paramedics and EMTs ‘ambulance drivers’ is extremely disrespectful. Most of us realize that the general public (thank you, movies and TV, for never portraying us accurately) doesn’t know the difference between medics and EMTs or understand what we do, but we sure as shit are not just ‘ambulance drivers’. No one would call a firefighter a ‘truck driver’ or a nurse an ‘ass wiper’ (except for a medic, we totally call them that).

    (If it makes you feel any better, I called brontosauruses “brontosauruses” and they aren’t even real dinosaurs. I suck at appropriate labels. Just ask the apatosauruses. ~ Jenny)

  210. Have to add that being given Nitro is like being hit in the head with a frying pan. The immediate headache was a whole new level of hell.

  213. Ohmygoose! What an awful night you all must have experienced. Very glad to hear you’re all okay, medicated up and fine.

    Grateful thanks to you and all of you commentors. You’ve provided me with so much hilarious and horrifying info I’ll either be laughing the entire week, or have anxiety attacks and just hibernate till summer. (I live with pain every day, so I know it’s no laughing matter, but sometimes humour is the only arms you’ve got to help you deal with it all. I mean no offense to those in pain, be it mental, physical, or both. It sucks toefarts. Period.)

    Here’s what today’s blog and comments have taught me:

    1) Heartattacks are a lot like Gallbladder attacks, just that you can live without a gallbladder. Apparently you can’t live without a heart, which is rather odd as I know quite a few heartless people – that’s irony for you

    2) If I experience severe chest pain, I have to get a stretcher, lay down on it while screaming bloody murder and profanities to get medical attention quickly. When the doctor tells me it’s neither heart-, nor gallbladder attack, I’ll beg him to remove the gallbladder regardless, as it may be diseased, because I fit 3 of the 4Fs and I suspect It’s just a matter of time, before I fit the 4th F too.

    3)People without gallbladders are a lot like cats, just instead of throwing up furballs, they throw up greaseballs. How cool is that?!? You should totally start a group and have competitions where you meet up with glasses of pickled greaseballs to see who wins “Biggest-greaseballs-of-the-year”. You can make tee-shirts. I’d proudly wear a “I am a greaseball groupie” tee-shirt

    4)Somewhere out there, there is a headless bear, without entrails, but with arms. Quite likely he carries guns. It’s his right, after all. Constitution says so. He may, or may not suffer from Celiac. Hunter S. Thompson is swimming in his entrails, while James Garfield is watching it all from up on the wall.

    5) There is a mysterious illness(?) called celliac, which my brain immediately translated into celery accident, because I’m too scared to look it up and I think I could probably survive a small celery accident as long as it didn’t happen in public.

    PS! I sincerely hope rambly is a word, because my whole life is a rambly line of ramblings and I would be very sad to discover I’m just an imaginary illusion

    PPS! We should forget about Easter Bunnies and eggs with candy and instead look for Easter Bears and eggs with medication and medical marijuana. That way we can forget about the 4Fs and instead enjoy the 4Hs (High, Hilariously Happy and Hungry)

  214. Panic attack is E.R. doctor code for “We don’t know what’s wrong with you.” I think that a panic attack is *really* when something is mildly worrying to a person, except that a chemical imbalance throws their body into extreme fight/flight mode and their heart rate, breathing and blood pressure go crazy. How can that happen when you are asleep? Even if it was a dream, wouldn’t it stop when you woke up? The E.R. docs tried to tell me that I was having panic attacks 12 years ago when it turned out to be moderate-severe chronic asthma brought on by an allergic reaction to an antibiotic. (When it started, I was having a lovely Mediterranean dinner at my favorite restaurant with my husband and our friend — which was not the least bit stressful.) So keep an eye on your gallbladder.

  216. note to self: soaking red hots in blood of satan to hand out next halloween.

  217. OMG, I totally also went to the hospital once for what was possibly a gall bladder/minor panic attack once. They do all these tests and take your blood and eat cookies where you can see them and forget five minutes after they palpate your stomach whether they did that already or not. Okay, maybe that’s just my lousy hospital. Anyway, my favorite part is *it may have been* a gall bladder issue, but we’re writing it down as a panic attack. Thanks for not checking that out. That means I *may* only have to pay your bill, right?

  218. Freaky — I spent all day Friday in the hospital with my mom, who was having chest pains. The cardiologist was convinced she had a heart attack, due to her symptoms and blood work, but everything turned out okay. So glad she and you are both are doing fine! And I’m with you on the “bear hug” thing! 🙂

  219. Happended to me a few years ago. Wasn’t given explosives though but some other drug I forgot the name, must had been a medicament from Mars.

  220. Oh gallbladder gallbladder, why make people feel sadder?
    With aches and pains unnecessary, making ladies ‘rambly’…

  221. Glad you’re ok, but I’m not to happy to hear a doctor can’t tell the difference between a gall bladder attack and a panic attack. Next time I’m having a panic attack I’m going to totally think it’s my gall bladder and end up in the ER, and I already had one ER bill this year for slicing my leg open, and I don’t need another. -_-;;

  222. Actually it’s good to read explanation because it was confusing when one moment you show us ER photo and then we see a bear head. For all we know the bear tried to maul you and you ripped it apart and only the head was left.

  223. I also had a severe panic attack and thought I was having a massive heart attack. Those ambulance drivers are all nice until they find out you’re not dying. Then it’s no sirens or anything…. Where’s the fun in that?

  224. Dear Victor,

    Next time, agree to the bear. It’s way cheaper than a trip to the hospital, and ambulance ride, and a speeding ticket. Just, you know, sayin’.

  226. Only Raiders of the Lost Arc will do:
    “Oh, my friends! I’m so pleased you’re not dead!” –Sallah

    Night pain is terrifying — I think you guys did fine.

    PS Leslie (#5) you just won the internet.

  227. Glad you,re OK. If You come to the D & need an ambulance my brother an EMT wold know all about Little House on the Prairie. My niece is addicted to that show.

  228. My grandfather liked being called an ambulance driver…but of course, he was driving one during WWI and the vocabulary has gotten more complicated since then.

  230. Okay… Where do I even begin???
    A) I’m glad you’re okay!
    B) That bear head is awesome, but I am totally on board with you waiting until you find one with arms.
    C) Victor needs to learn more about hugs.
    D) Spell-check never knows what it’s talking about.

  231. Maybe you should buy the bear head… Because what If one day you run into stuffed bear arms?! Then you’d be all “I should have bought that head when I had the chance!!” Nobody wants to look back on their life and wonder about the head that got away.

    Glad you’re feeling better!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  232. You’re a writer. Writers need down time, fallow time, leave me/us alone time, staring at the lake/trees/bridge time.

    Take some time off.

  233. You need to slow down and rest! A very similar thing happened to me a couple years ago. I guess it was a panic attack. I had the same thought about the nitro glycerin and “Little House”. I spent the night in the ICU and the nurse told me she could get me any drugs I wanted. I didn’t take her up on it, it was all very strange. You are so awesome, and, seriously, get some rest!

  234. I agree with Shelley ^ that you need time off. Come visit. I promise to take you to see bears and I’ll take care of you but not in a Kathy Bates in Misery kind of way.

  235. I’m reminded of that old curse…”may you live in interesting times”. I’m glad you didn’t explode and hope your life becomes less interesting soon. We need you with us. But you don’t need your gall bladder. Just sayin

  236. Best comment ever – “You have the right to bear arms.”

    Had my gallbladder out in 2007 because I was down to 98 pounds and that shit wasn’t working. Please follow up with HIDA test and don’t worry when you think you’ve shit your pants because it’s just the dye in the test.

    They keep removing things as you get older. First it was the gallbladder. Then they removed my lady garden in 2010. I figure pretty soon there won’t be anything left to give them and pain will all be my body saying hey, where are all my parts????

  240. I had a couple of gallbladder attacks, the last one I thought I was dying and I was having a panic attack. I drove myself to the ER and the orderly was nasty and told me to slow my breathing down because I was having panic attack. I had surgery within a month so I didn’t have to EVER have another attack. Go very low fat in the foods you eat to stop having attacks.

  241. I read your blog all the time and shout out bits to my husband, so had to throw in my two cents. We love you – you’re voraciously functional during the scariest dysfunction. And, hey – lots of comments here just gloss right over the panic attack thing, but that’s not a joke. Panic attacks can be f#*(ing scarier than a crabass bear with a neck and live teeth attached. Still, I actually hope it was that instead of gallbladder since scary doesn’t usually need surgery. On the bright side, if you have gallstones, you could ask for them back. I can’t even imagine what you’d find to do with them…

  242. The last time I rushed to the hospital over what I was certain to be a life-ending illenss (it wasn’t), I had to rescue some Polish women from a car accident. I now try to avoid traveling major highways in the event of a perceived emergency.

  245. Doesn’t that whole second amendment thinger say y’all have the right to bear arms? Bear arms for bear hugs.

  248. I know the pain you speak of. When I had the same kind of thing happen but instead of being worried about my health the hospital told me it was heartburn and gave me a bunch of pills I couldn’t take because they mix with my other medications the way vinegar and baking soda do. They wouldnt even check my gallbladder cuz they said i was too young and insinuated i just wanted painkillers! (cuz i dont have enough meds in my bedroom to take out a yak if i wanted) And nuts to them cuz the hospital I went to less than twelve hours later said I was chock full of gall stones! Also I think that it’s your blog cuz I don’t usually get so rambly except when I comment or email. I think it’s a good thing though. Also my phone is cool with rambly

  251. I wish I had a bear head to commemorate my hospital stays.
    Funny that you find the taxadermy stuff though. After that interview, it all makes a bit of sense though.
    Hope everyone is well. Stay away from matches and don’t shake around too much,…..BOOOOMMM!!!

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

  253. I’ve learned the hard way that medical personnel laugh at anxiety attacks. They shove your face into a paper bag, pat you on the back a few times and send you on your merry way. Glad you’re okay and REALLY glad you did not buy the bear head. LOL

  254. I Remember that episode! I remember them filling one of the vials (Who writes vials anymore, really?) with whiskey or moonshine and drinking it and scaring the piss out of the robbers (were there robbers?) I’m going to have to re-watch it now.

  255. My sister, who introduced me to your blog, and I always text certain aspects of a blog that touches our funny bone. The other will either get it, or have to go read “Now!” My sister had a “heart episode” last summer, so of course she totally got “a red-hot soaked in the blood of Satan”, and informed me she has nitro in her purse “just in case”, which I told her she needed to label “blood of satan”, which she did, just for me because I’m the only one that will get it, and it’ll make me chuckle knowing she has that in her purse!

  256. Jenny,
    I was trying to find you some bear hug taxidermy because I think I can find anything by googling, but I only found a picture of some taxidermy bears hugging playboy bunnies from the 1970s, which was funny but not able to provide a warm embrace. I did however find this nice deer cape which I figure will either bring back horrible childhood memories for you or serve as an excellent leather snuggie. http://taxidermyforsaleonline.com/taxidermy-for-sale/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=1_2_3&products_id=8

  257. Geez, I feel a little bad. I mean, after an experience like that, I really think the cosmos owed you something better than an overpriced bear head.

  258. Glad you’re okay. True story: I had a panic attack at a restaurant a few weeks back and thought I was going to die. Driving back home, my bf couldn’t decide if we should actually go home or go straight to the ER. Thankfully, mine passed quickly. Feel better and good luck with the bear torso.

  259. I had my gallbladder out a month ago today. I had 2 attacks, and the second was much like you described. I was gasping for breath and ended up calling an ambulance. Thought I was having a panic attack, or a heart attack, or dying. The EMTs did absolutely nothing for me, though, so it sounds like you got better care. Anyway, get your gallbladder out. Nobody should have to go through an attack like that more than once. And it’s day surgery – I felt like crap for about 2 days afterward, but then I was okay.

  260. I’ve often thought I’d like to get rid of my crepey (not sure if that’s a word either) old lady neck but now that I see this poor neck-less bear, I’m just happy to have a neck at all.

    I really hope you are on the mend! Tell Victor to shut up and drive.

  262. well I’m glad you’re feeling better….. and that you abstained from a bear head purchase.. it really is a waste of money if it doesn’t come with a body.

  263. Wait, so they didn’t actually test your gallbladder? Good grief! I would get that sucker taken out! I’m glad you’re okay!!!

  264. Hoping everyone feels better! Also, MS Word informs me that “rambly” should be spelled “rumbly.” Which only probably makes sense if you’re a bear with no neck.

  266. and did we know that gallstones are actually stones (yes, real ones) in your gall bladder, and this will happen over and over until you have yours out? I had a surg. scheduled for this 2 mos. out & didn’t make it. I went in an ambulance when I had the next attack and told them I wasn’t going home till they took it out. See your doctor. You don’t want this pain hitting home when you are alone w Hailey!…also, if you use “rambly” often and long enough, the dictionary will decide it is a word, esp. if your fans use it too.

  267. Glad you survived this adventure! I’m an EMT, and the great thing about being a woman (which does not make up for the the zillions of things that suck) is that when we give you nitroglycerin, we don’t publicly grill you about your Viagra usage first.

  268. HAHA @ Mira.

    Jenny- we are all so glad you’re alright! In other news, I can only imagine how embarrassing the ambulance ride to the hospital was after hearing ‘it could be a panic attack.

    Waking up from a dead sleep to a panic attack? Lame.

  269. You’re not dead, you weren’t arrested, you didn’t explode, you’re all medicated up, and you had the brilliant idea to buy bear arms so you can have a bear hug any time you want.

    Look on the positive side, Victor. Go buy her bear arms to make up for being a pessimist.

  270. Waaait? You can have panic attacks in your SLEEP? That wake you up? Not that many things in life are fair, but that one is a doozy. Thumbs down to panic attacks.

  271. Oh Jenny, I’m so sorry that happened to you. I know that panic attacks can feel like having an actual heart attack. You actually helped me quite a few times though Twitter with my questions about panic attacks. Hugs, pretty lady. Sounds like you’re medicated enough to no longer give a shit about it. 🙂

  272. So glad you’re ok. Can’t help but wonder though: does nitroglycerin cause explosive diarrhea?

  273. Glad you’re feeling better. Also, I didn’t know “rambly” wasn’t a word. I think I might invest in a dictionary.

  277. I’m glad your heart is healthy. I totally think you have the right to bear arms. I’m sure someone else has already made that lame joke, but I couldn’t read all of the comments before mine. I tried, but then I got hungry and had to go to the bathroom and it was already tomorrow.

    Panic attacks suck. I also hope your gallbladder is OK.

  278. Yeah, at least you are all in it together. I absolutely hate when things go to shit. Why do they (whoever they is) refer to it as bear hugs if bears maul you? Perhaps those wanting to hug you that way need to watched for suspicious death by hugging behavior. I suggest chocolate, movies and cheese. Although not necessarily in that order.

  280. Things that I have learned and that I will now pass along. For free.
    1) Heart problems rarely feel like heart problems. Sometimes like gas that you really just need to fart out like a foghorn, sometimes like you got kicked in the back, sometimes like someone with really big hands is squeezing your left arm all over at once.
    B) Don’t walk in to the ER at a local hospital and say to the lady at the desk, “I’m having pains in my chest.” OK, do that if you want to immediately skip all the insurance folderol AND get a wheelchair ride, but otherwise don’t scare the nice doctors and nurses.
    3) Superventricular tachycardia is really fun and cool to say. Not so much to experience.
    Last) Nitroglycerin pills will not explode if you hit one with a big rock or put one behind your nasty neighbor’s tire in his driveway so he’ll back over it. So I’ve heard.

  281. I laughed so hard I cried. Needed after my own not so fun trip to the ER yesterday. FYI to ER nurses, if your vertigo patient is saying she’s nauseous, give her the puke bucket right away, not after she screams “I’m going to vomit.” Saves on cleanup time.

  282. I’m glad you’re okay! But I’m SO with you on the Little House thing. When my grandfather had to pop nitro when I was little, I was always worried about it exploding in his mouth. I couldn’t figure out how that would help his heart. Too bad they didn’t explain it to you–I wouldn’t have minded an explanation.

  283. OMG, made me laugh so hard! I’m glad you’re fine, and thanks so much for the belly laugh. I needed it.

  284. Aw, man. Gall-attacks suck. You totally need hugs from a bear, or at least a gentle mauling. Maybe that’s what bear maulings are – ferocious hugs. I’m sending an e-gin&tonic your way (*why* spellchecker is okay with e-gin&tonics but not maulings, I don’t know. I’m with you on the shitty randomness of it all).

  286. How scary! I’m so glad you’re ok. Your blog and your book are my go-to things to read when I need a laugh, and my husband has patiently listened to me read from both of them on quite a few occasions. He finally asked me not to read your book before bed because my bursts of uncontrollable laughter kept waking him up, poor baby.

    “Blood of Satan” would be an awesome and truthful brand name for capscacin cream, based on my experience. And on a totally random side note, I have learned that “foxen” must truly be a word, because there is a “Foxen Winery” http://www.foxenvineyard.com/ and you know that wineries never make up words for their names.

    Bring your book tour to San Diego, and I will totally be there!

  288. Just remember, this is Year of The Library.
    Only 39 weeks to go until 2014 !

  289. This is completely unrelated to this post but I had to share to share it because I know how much you love Dr.Who. http://youtu.be/JJT39M8Y2F8 I hope the link works. Makes me smile every time I watch it 🙂

  291. Glad you’re OK kiddo. Last month we raced our 27 yr old daughter to the hospital. We thought it was appendicitis. After two shots of morphine and a CAT scan it Just turned out to be a whopper of a UTI. Sometimes bodies just suck: and I hate to tell you but it only gets worse as you get older.

  292. I know you’re on the road and busy. But I need some advice. If anyone is reading this comment, can you please read my last blog post and offer up some advice? I called CPS on a family member today and I’m so scared that doing the right thing was the wrong thing to do.

    (You did the right thing. None of this is your fault and you’re doing the only thing that you can in this situation. As someone whose family is sharing the road with drunk drivers, I thank you. ~ Jenny)

  293. I don’t think anyone has done it yet, so I have to be the one: that nitroglycerin must have been ::SUNGLASSES:: unbearable. *YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!*

  294. Dang! I can’t post to Renee’s blog cuz I don’t have social media accounts. Sorry for literally cross-posting, but this is for Renee:

    i came from Planet Jenny…without spending a long time considering this, my knee-jerk reaction is that however bad the consequences are, having dead or disabled cousins would be worse.

    They are already damaged. They are children of an alcoholic. All the other shit that may happen is a consequence of that, not your action.

    If you hadn’t called CPS, the kids might grow up and wonder why no-one ever cared enough about them to step in. That would be the least bad outcome, perhaps.

    If CPS is any good, they will not leave the kids with an angry abusive alcoholic after their visit. Perhaps your grandmother or someone else will be called to take custody.

    You are a hero and an angel. Look up AlAnon (or even AA) to get support, understanding, and education.

    Even if your family “hates” you after this, it is all the responsibility of your alcoholic uncle. That can be cold comfort, but as time goes by you will see the positive affect of your courage. Braveheart!

  295. Am I the only one who see’s that you have a glowing ET finger in your ER pic? I really thought that there would be some sort of “Ooow ucH” connection in the post and/or caption. It would be really helpful to get an ET glowy finger in the ER so the next time you have any pain you can just glow finger it away.

  296. Get your Gall Bladder out. I suffer from a panic disorder and my Gall Bladder decided to act all weird and I kept thinking I was dying and I had to walk around the house hitting my back on the door to make the little stones move around and then I would feel better, but my heart would kick around all over the place and I would got in atrial fib, so I just went to the hospital and they cut three little holes in me and took out my Gall Bladder and the Surgeon said, “Hey you want me to grab your appendicits while I am in there and give you a twofer?” and I said, “hmmmm no I may need another vacation from work leave it.” Also I thought he was harvesting useless organs for some creepy science experiment or he ran out of dog food an I didn’t want to give him more than he really deserved or maybe kill his dog. It didn’t hurt afterwards and the scars eventually disappeared, but before they did I would show them to people and tell them I was from Jersey and got into a knife fight…no one believed me….people are never as gullible or stupid as you want them to be. Anyway, get your Gall Bladder out, it’s useless and you can ask them if you can bring it home in a little jar, but you have to tell them it is for religious purposes or they won’t give it to you.

  297. Firstly, glad you are okay! Especially to go bear hug hunting.

    Bodies are weird – how does a hinky gallbladder cause heart attack like symptoms and to the extent that a paramedic thinks that may be what is happening……the same way that a heart attack apparently feels like heartburn if you live in my mum’s world.

    Sometimes the manta “you don’t need the doctors unless you think you are dying” throughout your childhood is not a good thing….according to my Hubby – wuss.

  298. Just you relax there, lady. No no no, don’t get up! Here, I’ve brought you and your blog post some commas:
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    ….No seriously, help yourself they cost me practically nothing.
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    (Hope those medics get to the bottom of what happened and you can get some nice drugs to stop it from happening again.)

  299. Your spell check is totally missing out if it doesn’t read your blog. God, doesn’t it know anything?
    Hmm. Here’s hoping you get better without needing more Little House on the Prairie explosives disguised as pain-flavoured medication! And the rest of your family, too. But I’m sure they’ll be fine if you get better, that’s just basic logic. You’re, like, the alpha female – the matriarch. If Victor doesn’t mind me saying. Of course, I don’t really know that – but you should totally remind Victor that in terms of internet-families, you are a total matriarch and he kinda has no hope of prevailing against you, no matter what your actual real face-to-face relationship is like.
    God, you’d think I was the one in horrible pain! Sorry.

  300. Bear hugs. Not that you had fun, but glad they released you and your heart didn’t go all explody. Scary as all heck for all of you. 🙁

  301. What the hell does spell check know? Obviously, not much. So glad you’re ok!

  302. Glad everyone is better – you take so much out of yourself for these tours to satisfy your needy fans. We love you, though, and want you to take care of yourself more than we want to see you. Sort of. I mean, yes, really.

  303. i have a shotty gall bladder that doesn’t work at all, it functions at like 2% (according to my doctor). massive attacks suck like hell jenny feel better! they are pure HELL to live thru! 2 years ago i took the trip of a lifetime to Ireland for St Patrick’s Day in Dublin. my gall bladder decided to cause me the most painful attack i’ve ever had, for over 9 hours. In the 9th hour is when i said to my husband “let see what Irish Emergency Room are all like!”. it was an awful day. because of the pain killers afterwards i slept thru the whole day of the parade! but i did get to play this awesome game called “let’s guess how these guys got their bloody pre-patty’s day brawler injuries”. i believe we both scored 5 points each when we decifier the tire iron mark to someone’s face. good times gall bladder. thanks.

  304. OK, so to sum up: (1) Call an ambulance next time, dammit (2) You DO have the right to bear arms, I mean don’t you live in Texas? and (3) get that gall bladder looked at again.

    I love your rambly blog, Jenny, but the comments are pretty awesome too.

  305. Oh, wow. I did something similar the day after Valentine’s Day which was supposed to be my Valentine’s Day. My husband and I never seem to be able to celebrate on the actual day. Anyway we were on our way out to eat and to the movie when I told him we were going to pull over and he was going to drive us the rest of the way to the emergency room because my arms had suddenly become very heavy and my chest was hurting. An overnight stay, a couple of thousand dollars and a month later they still don’t know what happened.

    They did rule out gallbladder. Don’t think it was a panic attack but maybe? Or stress possibly. I just know my blood pressure is still out of control and I’m not thrilled with the thought of more tests.

    I didn’t think of looking for a bear hug but my granddaughter gives a mighty sweet hug that helps quite a bit. Anyway, I’m sorry to hear someone else has the same issue that somehow is a non issue but stays in the back of your mind niggling away til it becomes an issue again…or not, if you know what I mean. Sigh. Glad you’re ok.

  306. “I’m not about to spend $200 on something that doesn’t even come with a neck”
    Fucking brilliant!

    I was having a shitty day but this has properly cheered me up (and also made me want to search for stuffed shit on ebay). This also pisses all over my husband’s latest crappy pucrchase of a Scarface framed picture, which he wantde to hang above the bed!

  307. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Sorry Victor and Hailey got sick. Probably from being at the hospital. It’s where the germs live.

    I like comment #24- “failed regeneration”. You said you met a Time Lord. Maybe that Time Lord was in your mirror.

  308. i’m pretty sure that bear needs a beret, goatee and a pipe. he looks like a pretentious bear.
    glad you’re alive. now buy the damned bear.

  309. I am howling. How have I not discovered your blog before? Thanks for making me laugh (no thanks on reminder of what a gall bladder attack feels like–thank you, Mexico–word to the wise, a week of nachos will do that to you). You are hysterical and make me feel a little less crazy . . . I will repay favor and hopefully give you a laugh about my latest misadventure at http://candidkay.com. Let’s just say don’t do a smudge ceremony unless you’re an expert.

  310. Just found your blog in the words of the girly girls “Love it” (squeaks) hahahaha
    your spelling is as bad as mine and you language is even better.
    Will defiantly be following for more updates on the bear coz we all need a bear!!

    Kay

  311. I had my gallbladder removed after the bastard tried to rip itself out of me. Worst pain EVER. Now I can’t eat greasy foods without spending extra time in the bathroom, but hey – no more looking for that alien to come tearing out of my chest.

  312. Love this…and glad you are o.k. Also, feel good knowing that you are not alone: all families in one way or another are going to shit…which is most likely the glue holding them together…

  315. I hope you are feeling less hurty! Also your book should come with a disclamer “Don’t read on an airplane because the lady sitting beside you will give you the stink eye everytime you giggle and turn away from you and sigh loudly when you laugh so hard you snort!” I loved the book!

  317. OMG nitroglycerin is like pop rocks for your whole body. I had it once when they thought I was having a heartytack (thank you, GERD), and they wanted to give me more. I said no thanks to the second dose, but I’d take some more of that orange aspirin if you have any.

    The only good thing it did was relax every. muscle. in my tense chestal region. Explosive, indeed.

    Glad you’re okay!

  318. In the veterinary world, when we give nitroglycerin to a cat (topically), we have to apply it with gloves. So I know it must be an interesting ride once in the body. Hope you feel better soon!

  319. Last year I went to Urgent Care because my chest had been hurty forever and no other doctors had cured me yet. He made some nursey person run an EKG, then he came back and was like “I didn’t like that. A better nursey person is going to come in and run another.” I mean, those weren’t his exact words, but probably pretty close. And then that nursey person ran the test again, and then she did it ONE more time with a different machine, like maybe she thought the machine was faulty, not my heart. Then the doctor came in and was like, “I’ve called an ambulance.” And I was mostly concerned because I needed to pee really bad and was afraid they weren’t going to let me get out of bed, but they did so I was like PHEW! Then they gave me nitroglycerin and aspirin.

    Then the paramedics came, and they were both HOT, and that’s when I realized I hadn’t taken a shower because I was going to do that after the doctor’s and before I went to work. I wasn’t upset about not going to work but I was upset that they wouldn’t let me go home and take a shower real quick. NO doctors came running to me when I was brought in which was highly disappointing, but they did turn the sirens on in the ambulance on the way over and so that was cool. And then at the hospital they did some tests and released me with no answers like 7 hours later. But I didn’t have a husband or anyone to pick me up, but I knew the UC was nearby so I walked. But it was dark and scary out and it took me an hour to find my car. I heard a lot of gunshots too, but that was ok because if I was shot the hospital was right there.

    So what I’m trying to say is we had semi-similar experiences though maybe not, ambulance rides are REALLY expensive (mine was $900 for a 2 minute ride), and bodies and doctors are assholes.

  321. ok so spoiler alert, this comment is not about the neck-less bear head. Please don’t die, Jenny. I just read your book and this is my maiden voyage in blogland, and I’ve realized that your schewed view is my reason for living. So no pressure. But please continue! How do you spell schewed? I hope you are feeling better because I am, thank you very much.

  322. Oh, and obviously I am trying to adopt your writing and thinking style. Please take it as the compliment it truly is.

  323. Dude – Been there. Galbladder. You know that by now right? Only gallbladder feels like that.

  324. Cracking up! I’m so glad you write. It helps me know I’m normal (or at least, I’m not the only one on that planet that thinks the way your brain thinks). Glad you didn’t get the bear (I’m with Victor on the whole, “why is there a fox on my wall” comments) and glad you are ok.

  325. I picked up your book the other day. I read it, I pretty much tried to hold my husband hostage reading it out loud to him, I want him to enjoy this as much ad i do and i know he will!! he would try to watch hockey and I would just read louder than the tv… He acted like he wasn’t listening, but he was.. He laughed hard at all the right spots. (Nothing funny was happening on Hockey). Any how, I get panic attacks… R u serious about possible gallbladder attack? That sounds nutty. Any ways, I love your book and passed it along to a friend.. I never read a blog before this. Thanks for the laughs and everything.

  326. I remember that Little House on the Prairie where Paw had to drive the wagon of nitro. LOL

    Glad you’re doing better. It sounded like a panic/stress attack. So now I know I don’t want to use nitroglycerin if I don’t have to.

  327. Last time I woke up and thought I was dying, it turned out to be an ovarian cyst. There is actually nothing they can do for this, you just have to wait it out. And pay the $500 hospital bill. So this is what I learned.

    HELPFUL GUIDE TO UNEXPLAINED AGONY (LOWER ABDOMINAL EDITION — FOR GIRLS!):

    Start off fine, start to feel uncomfortable, then painful, then extremely painful, then OH EM GEE SHOOT ME over the course of several hours: Appendix or gall bladder in immediate danger of going ‘splody. Go to the hospital.

    OH EM GEE SHOOT ME, then merely extremely painful, then simply painful, until it fades away completely (again, over the course of several hours): Ovarian cyst. Take all the Motrin and suck it up until it goes away on its own.

  329. Hi, I’m having a lot of trouble reading your blog lately. There’s possibly something hokey going on with the fonts. Everything’s tiny…so very tiny… But when I try to magnify it, it’s somehow even harder to read. Why, god, why?

    (Hmmm…what browser are you using to look at it? ~ Jenny)

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Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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