PLEASE COME! (No pressure or anything.)

in Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Random Crap

The last leg of my book tour starts just in a few days and I just realized that it’s on April Fool’s Day.  I can only assume that I’m going to show up and the bookstore is going to be like “What? There’s no event here.  This is a marina.  You’ve been booked to scrape barnacles off of boats.”  But the joke’s on them because I love scraping barnacles.  Plus, if you show up I’ll force them to let me do a reading and a signing in between the barnacle stuff.  It’ll be awesome.  Or terrible.  Probably both.

April 1 ~ San Francisco, CA, Books Inc. (in the Marina, apparently), 7pm

April 2 ~ Danville, CA Rakestraw, 7pm

April 3 ~ San Jose, CA Barnes & Noble, 7pm

April 4 ~ Phoenix, AZ Barnes & Noble, 7pm

PS. I’m not sure how, but somehow this insane book is still on the NYT list.  And that?  Is a damn miracle.  One that you created.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And to thank you even more I’m going to give a few of you an autographed copy of my book which you can’t read.  Unless you can read German.  In which case, you are way smarter than me.

For German publisher

Unless you want the English copy. Whatever. Just tell me what you want in the comments and if you get picked I’ll give it to you.  Unless what you want is a bunch of eyeless faces in a box.  Those are mine.

875 thoughts on “PLEASE COME! (No pressure or anything.)”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I loved the e-book, and would love a paperback copy so I can read the extra parts!

  8. Live in Austria, can’t read German, would like the English version, but have a US address for delivery. Because, it’s a wild and crazy world out there, isn’t it?

  9. You’re giving me a really good idea. I’d like to book you for a reading at my house. It will look a lot like everyone is painting my house, and they are, but you can read to them at the same time and I’ll provide cookies and boxes of wine. Everybody wins.

  12. I’m in the middle of reading it right now… and checked out from the library. But to have a copy of my own (in English) would be totally awesome!

  13. I would love an English copy! Reading your blog is one of the best parts of my day.

  15. I love you forever. And since I already own the English version of your book, a German one would look amazing on my bookshelf.

  16. Congrats. I don’t need a copy, I got the hardback signed by you in person when you were in Seattle, I got it on my Kindle. I am good to go! Happy travelling!

  20. I’m pleased to say I contributed to your NYT listing! I won’t be able to make it to any of your book tour spots but please accept these virtual hugs and accolades from me!

  21. Wow! I would LOVE the German copy, because I keep trying to learn German, and NOTHING would be better than learning Bloggess-influenced German.

    I think I could get into particularly awesome trouble this way.

  22. I would love the English paper back and the eyeless faces in a box please!

  23. Would love a copy in English! Wish you were coming by LA this time, I wasn’t able to make it last time. You are awesome, and I love your site/twitter!

  24. 1) That lipstick looks gorgeous on you. I wish I had the coloring to pull a shade like that off.
    2) I’d dig an autographed copy in English.

  26. hey! I would so love a German copy of your book! German is my native language so there’ll be no problems with me understanding it!

  27. I totally want the German version. What I learning experience! I’ll be able to say Vagina, Squirrel, Taxidermy, and Lady-Garden all in German. What a beautiful world

  29. I need this book! i know this sounds like a lame excuse….but legit my dog ate my copy English please!

  30. You need to do a reading in German. Or your approximation of German. Think how crazy & angry you’d sound! Like you were trying to take over the world. With your taxidermy minions.

  31. I have an autographed copy for myself already, but one of my friends wasn’t in town to make it to the book signing, so if I could get one for her that would be great! Bringing a smile to someone else’s face would bring one to mine as well. I don’t think she can read or speak German though, so English would be cool… Although it would be fun to have a German one on my shelf so that I can see the WTF look on people’s faces when they pick it up… Hehehe…

  33. I had to stop reading your chapter about the Psycho on the other side of the door. I was on a plane and just started crying my eyes out because I was laughing so loud. Have to go back and re-read, maybe in my bathroom, with my cat on the other side of the door 🙂

  34. Dear Jenny,
    You have messed with my mind. I now like taxidermy–words I never expected to utter (or type). I would love to have a copy in English, please.
    Leslie

  36. I would LOVE the german version! I already have my own copy, but my bff is german and she needs one too!

  37. I loaned out my book and have not gotten it back! I know where she lives, I won’t hound about for a year though, because she has limited funds and I am not fond of confrontation. I would love to have the paperback, english please?

  38. I’d prefer an English version, but since I read it already in my kindle app I’ll take whatever I can get.

  40. I could do the German version. I have English and need to bone up on my German!!

  42. Congrats! It’s a great book and it deserves to be on the best seller list. If I win I’d like an English copy. 🙂

  44. I would love a paperback copy if it includes the extra chapter otherwise I’ll happily take a German copy. This way I can leave it about so my German boyfriend can read it.

  46. English version please….though my hubby and son BOTH took German but I’m thinking as much as you could enlighten them, they wouldn’t read it out loud to me 😉

  48. I only read English and a little sign language, and I want to read your book. So my options are limited to those.

  49. Engrish copy would be fab-o. Where are the eyes from those faces? Dried up in a candy bowl?

  50. Ok, I’ll tell you what I want! I want you to come to the Gaithersburg book festival in Gaithersburg, MD again because it happens on my birthday weekend and last year that was the best birthday EVER. Turns you you have one every year, so I’d like them to keep being awesome. But I could live with a copy of the paperback because I don’t have one. 🙂

  51. I’d like the German, please. I already have it in English. Also? I want to seem smarter than I am.

  52. I would love a German copy. This book (in English) made my life a better place, and also my German vocabulary for outfit-wearing taxidermy is sadly lacking.

  53. I want it! I really want it!
    (The English version, not the German as I’m not that clever)

  54. Since I’ve loaned my copy out so many times that I haven’t seen it in months, I’d adore a new English copy! I need something to pick my spirits up…

  55. I would love the English version. I wanted to go to your PHX stop of the tour, but I can’t make it due to other commitments 🙁

  56. Thank you for the giveaway!
    I’d love a paper copy of the book, do you have it in the superior langage that is french, my native tongue. Of course, I’d take a copy in the lowly english language otherwise. Could Hunter S Thomcat be involved in the autographing process is some way, pretty please?

  57. > Ellen : I live in France, can’t read german, would like the english version, and have a US address for delivery too. Wild and crazy of this world, unite!

  58. OMG I would love a german copy!!! I was born in Germany and learned some of the language in high school and in an effort to keep up with it, I have a small collection of German books. My collection currently consists of the first Harry Potter. It would be really awesome to expand it!

  59. I can confirm that The Marina is a neighborhood and not really a marina. If I get off of work in time, I’ll be there!

  61. I am just sad I did not get to meet you. So a signed book would be nice.
    Come back to Canada please!? We won’t make you scrape any boats. But we man insist that you chuck maple syrup and drink a Tims. Maybe even some polar bear hugging…….. Waaaay better the. Normal bear hugging. You can take my word, I’m Canadian.

  63. Would love a signed copy! How awesome of you to give some away! I love writers like you that are so involved with their readers! 🙂

  65. I would love an English copy. But I will read it while eating a strudel. And wearing lederhosen. Sitting in a Volkswagen.

  66. I would love the paperback copy in English so I could read the extra chapter!

  67. Definitely not smart enough for German, so English please! And good luck with your tour. My IBS flairs just thinking about all the travel. I bow down to you and your touring ways.

  68. You keep giving them away and I keep giving mine away, so I’m hoping this one is my English speaking destiny. Plus, I never got my signed bookplate for pre-ordering before the release date, so since I don’t have a copy anymore this definitely smacks of destiny. Please 🙂

  70. Wait, did I see there’s extra bits in the Paperback?? I want that, please. In English. Without paying. 🙂

  71. Loved the book! Think it would be awesome to read it in German….even though I don’t speak German I am a pretty good reader 😉

  72. I would prefer to have an English copy, though can you imagine how much more disgusting those taxidermy stories are when translated into German? Ha!

  73. I’d love a copy!! English is preferable, but I can’t think of a better way to teach myself German than by reading your book 😉

  74. I would love a copy of your book… unfortunately i have never learned Greman except “da” ie yes….so English please!!!

  75. I would LOVE a print copy to supplement my ebook.
    You are awesome Jenny! And if you ever come to Vermont I will come see you. But CA and AZ are just too far for my non-existent travel budget…

  76. Would love an autographed English copy! I already have to hard copy, but you can never have to many of this book!!!

  77. I’d love an autographed copy no matter what language the book is in! Besides, having it in German will only make me look smarter to the people who go through my bookshelves. Win-win.

    Wish I were stateside to have made it to the tour!!!

  78. I would love an English copy so I can read the additional chapters!!

  79. If by some odd chance I should break my own record of NEVER winning anything and come up lucky, I would love an English version, autographed copy of your AWESOME book! And, if you show up April 1 and they do have you scheduled to scrape barnacles, well, I’m sure all your bazillion fans who are there to spend time with you will happily pitch in and help!

  80. A copy of your book? Yes, please! And by the way, I’d love to have the German version of your book. I can’t read German, but it would sure be funny. Did you know my mom lives in the most German city in Brazil? Of course you didn’t, because who cares, right? But she does. I do have a few friends who could read German but I think I have more friends able to read the English version, so I guess that one would be better. I don’t know, now I’m all confused!
    On a somewhat related note, my Grandpa used to say a few words in German when I was little, which doesn’t make sense since he was not German and lived in Brazil. He doesn’t live anymore. Okay, that sounds awkward.
    Anyway, you probably didn’t even want to read all of this and just wanted a yes or no answer, but I’m feeling rambly and that’s how my ADD works. Or my brain, who knows, really. But yes, I’d love a copy of your book.
    Oh, look! Kittens!
    No, not really, but I thought it would make for a good ending. What do you think?

  82. I would love it in German even though I don’t know German-it’s so random and amazing. (If I win, will you autograph it in German??? :D)

    So excited for San Jose. Darn right I will be there. If I can find any bells, I’ll even put them on!

  83. If I get the German one I can give it to someone who speaks actual German. It will make his wife cackle so wonderfully!

  84. I want the English one, and I want Amanda Fucking Palmer to get the German version BECAUSE SHE SPEAKS GERMAN, Y’ALL. I know, right?

  88. As cool as a box of eyelashes would be, I mean SERIOUSLY think of the possibilities, I would rather have the copy of the signed book. Preferably in English. 🙂

  89. German version, please. I have the hard cover signed by you. And it is as awesome as you! But that’s pretty much the same thing, right?

  94. I would love an english copy of the book so I can read the extra stories not in the digital copy. I’d love a german copy just b/c I think it would be fun and silly to try and translate – so you can surprise me as you’d like. 🙂

    even bigger surprise (and I hate doing this but i will do shamelessly anyway) is if you took a peek at my store. 🙂 I promise nothing will jump out of ANY of the products at you… 🙂

  95. I want a jar of love. Or a book smothered with kisses in whatever language. As long as I can feel da love

  96. Yes, please, I would totally take it in any language. And that, of course, is a statement that out of context would sound way more exciting than it actually is….

  99. I would love the paperback! I have listened to the audiobook twice and read the hardcover – would love to know what the extra chapter is all about!

  101. English copy, please! You have created an addict, and like most addicts, I’m looking for a 12-step program. However, I’ll be more than pleased to receive the extra chapter in its place. Unless you can find a recovery program run by Unicorns.

  103. LOVE it! Isn’t everything a little scarier in German? One time in high school my bff and I drove into Chicago to see La Traviata, because we were already opera fans. When we looked up on the stage and saw the set, a lone light bulb hanging from the ceiling, we were like, “what?” Then the super scary German “Wozzeck” started. We were so freaked out.
    I have recommended your HILARIOUS book to EVERYONE I know! I can’t stop raving about how wonderful it is, seriously. so great.
    I would LOVE an English copy since German freaks me out. And my husband is like, 100% German. go figure.
    Thank you So much for being so awesome!!

  104. I really want a job, a decent job where I can feel like I am contributing…sadly there are few if any jobs in my area and shame of all, my boyfriend claimed me (legally) as a dependent on his taxes this year…great for the ego!!

  107. English English English ME ME ME!!!! I’m moving in a week. AND MOVING IS THE WORST PUNISHMENT OF THE WORLD!!! And so I deserve a book. And also something to eat, because I’m hungry right now. But it doesn’t have to be much because I had gastric bypass surgery last summer and my stomach is the size of an egg. Hm.. so maybe I’ll just go make myself an egg. So really, by giving ME a book, you’re saving yourself from buying me lunch. WIN-WIN!!!

  108. I will personally make my ten year old son learn German just to read your book to me when I am old and in the nursing home

  109. I would love an English copy. I really enjoy reading your blog and seeing your taxidermy projects. I’ve made a bunch of my friends read your book because it’s just to awesome to keep to myself(:

  112. If I HAD to pick, I guess I’d pick the paperback, for the new chapter. But then, I can also see (after a few drinks) doing dramatic readings to my cats from the German copy. Then I’d have bilingual cats…which really would be cool.

  113. would LOVE the English copy! i need you to help me corrupt my mother with awesomeness.

  114. I’m not funny enough to post comments here normally, but you make me laugh out loud every day…thank you! Unless you’ve got a Latin copy, I’ll have to beg for an English version! 🙂

  115. So, I don’t want a copy of your book. But not because I don’t love it. I just already have three. I have the hardback one, which I pre-ordered, and it is wearing an autographed costume (because I pre-ordered I got one of your stickers)

    Then I have my kindle copy, which I only got because I thought I had pre-ordered a kindle copy, then I realized I would have to wait for my hardback copy so I was all- screw it, I am buying the kindle copy too.

    THEN, I finally got to meet you for real last week in Cincinnati. You signed my paperback copy and took a lovely picture with me and my three minions and Copernicus. SO, yeah. Give it to someone else. But thanks for being awesome. I still love this book every time I read it. Which is a lot.

  116. I have the e-book but I would totally love a hardcopy. In English. Or German. Maybe I could learn how to say “motherfucker” in German.

  120. English, please! I would love a paperback copy so I can read the extra bits.

  121. I would love one in English to tide me over until you release your next book. And it will take my mind off of needing a giant metal chicken in my back yard. Maybe. Not really. You have ruined me for life, Jenny Lawson!

  122. Me please. I’ll have it in German, because it’s never too late to learn. Admittedly it might have been useful to learn *before* I worked in a German restaurant as a commis chef and set my bottom on fire making pasta, and ran up and down the kitchen shouting “help, help, I’m on fire” for what felt like ages before the chef said “ahhh, FEUER” and threw a bucket of potato-peeling water at me. But never mind.

  123. I can’t read German but I would prefer the German one. I will hire someone to read the book to me. Maybe they will be willing to trade services? Not sure what services I have to give, but I am sure there is something. Know any German speaking persons willing to trade services?

  124. I have the e-book, so I would LOVE a copy of the English version…please, oh pretty please. I will scrape barnacles off hulls for you, with you, in your name. Whatever. Muah.

  125. While I would prefer the English copy, I would happily accept anything you send me 🙂

    (I can type that with total confidence, knowing that you will never willingly part with anything taxidermy-ish, so I think I’m safe. I think. *crossing fingers*)

  126. Oooh English version please…

    And my friends and I are excited to see you in San Jose on Wednesday!!!! (I think there will be at least 7 of us. 🙂 )

  128. German! Please! Please! Please! I already own two versions of the english one! and plan on buying a 3rd when i join you in your barnacle scraping venture on Monday… so yea, german. even though i definitely can’t read it.

  129. Oh! German, please! I can re-read my English copy and, having refreshed my memory, pretend to be able to read the German copy. This might lead to wild and crazy adventures!! (Or scrubbing pots in the back of some sauerkraut plant, but them’s the breaks.)

  130. I would take anything you wanted to give me Jenny! German, English, Klingon, don’t matter none!

  131. I would be happy to have either really. If I got the English version, I’d pass it around to all of my friends. If I ended up with German, I’d teach myself German. Win-win!

  132. I would love the English version. I have been swamped in medical bills and have not been able to buy a copy yet. I am dying from the anticipation 🙁

  133. while i totally think the german book has wicked cool cover, i wouldn’t be able to read it, unless you directly plagiarized, i mean, “quoted” a German opera or something (that’s the extent of my German knowledge). wish you were coming to Pittsburgh!

  134. I LOVED LOVED the English version, but I am also fluent in German and would LOVE a German copy – I can only imagine how much more komisch (funny, auf Deutsch) the German version is!

  135. While a German copy would inevitably make me look wayyyy more intelligent (it’s all about shelf placement), I’d actually LOVE to read it (in English).

  136. I would love an English copy, if I am lucky enough to win. But I would also be happy with a German copy, that I could gift to my German-speaking friend, if you run out of english copies.

  139. I can’t read German, but it might be fun to mess with my brother (who does)…. Naw, I’d have to stick with English. Unless you really want to give a German copy away, then I can get my brother or my friend Ivana to tell me how well they translated it!

  140. Although I admit to an attraction to the beautiful lavender swirls of the German version, I’d love an English paperback!

  141. I actually read, write, and speak German. Lived there growing up–military brat. The loose translation is “That’s not true, or….” I’d love a copy auf Deutsch. 🙂 I got the original on my Kindle last year and loved it. I also bought a copy for my cousin who has gone through some of the same issues you have. She loved it and has now forwarded it to others to keep forwarding….

  142. I was going to go for the eyeless faces in a box, but since that’s off the table, I’m going to keep my fingers crossed for the book. In English. Although I’d take one in any language, really.

  143. I have plans to crawl out of my cave and go to a book store this weekend and am planning on getting your book while i’m there. However, an autographed (English) copy would totally rock and allow me to pass the awesomeness on to someone who hasn’t yet found the joy that is your writing 🙂

  144. Oh, I’d just love the German version! Such lovely language or something… plus???? The title looks like it means “What’s with the nice, Smelly?” MORE AWESOMENESS.

  145. I’ve already got a copy of your book and LOVE IT! And I’ve made my friends read it (and your blog). We’re pretty sure we’d be best friends. So, instead of a book, I think you should add a New England stop to your book tour sometime 🙂

  148. I really REALLY love you!!! My family and friends often say I’m a younger version of you. I would love an english version!!!!

  149. So, despite having lived in Germany for the last 2 years… I can’t speak or read the language to save my life. Unless I’m at a restaurant. Then look out, because I’ll order the heck out of some food.

    THAT BEING SAID, I love you, Jenny Lawson and if I wasn’t still living in Germany I would totally come see you and get my kindle (or a new paperback copy… or both if your hand isn’t broken from autographs) signed. I will however settle for a signed copy of your wonderful book. In English preferably, since I really don’t want to spend twelve hours per chapter typing up and then attempting to decipher what Google translate thinks you said. Or what it thinks I typed. Whichever. 🙂

  150. Aw, no Colorado? I missed you last year ’cause we were evicted from our apartment and homeless for a few days.

    (PS if I’m chosen, I’d love the English copy)

  152. Ooh ooh, pick me! I want the German copy! I already have the English version (which I’m going to bring with me on Wednesday to the San Jose book signing!) and I do actually speak German, having lived in Germany for several years! You can just bring it with you to Barnes and Noble on Wednesday! 🙂

  153. Oh I’ll take the box of eyeless faces – read the book and loved it. If
    I had the faces I’d put them on the wall and tell everyone they are the ghosts of Jenny’s friends and dress them up too because hey you’ve influenced my taste in decorating now

  155. I got your book from the library & loved it so much I bought it. Thank you for making me laugh so hard I cry sometimes & other times I realize that though my childhood was odd there are others that had stranger pnes

  157. I would love a German copy. Because who doesn’t like trying to pronounce words in a foreign language and laughing hysterically at total failure? My husband I cracked each other up the other night trying to pronounce “squirrel” in German: Eichhörnchen. I sound like I’m hocking a loogie.

  158. OHMYGOD!!!! I CAN READ GERMAN!! I want! I want! I want! Please pick me!!! I bet you’re even funnier in another language!!!

  159. I have the ebook version, but would love to have a paperback version in English. I am not able to go to any book signings, so an autographed copy would be truly appreciated.

  160. Well, I have the autographed book plate thingy for pre-ordering on Amazon and I was fortunate enough to see you on tour for another autograph. Adding a German book to my collection would be fantatisic. Especially if you could write “You’re so awesome, I nearly shit myself” in German since that is what you wrote in my English copy. 🙂 AND, even though I REALLY want the box of eyeless faces, I totally understand you not wanting to share! I wouldn’t either.

  162. German please! But you’ll have to send it to Germany… Does that disqualify me?

  165. I am so thrilled for you that your book is still on the NYT list, but I’m not surprised. I’ve got an ebook copy and loved it — have read it two or three times already. 🙂 I’d love a copy of the English version.

  166. Yay! You are headed my way! Gonna try to see you in San Jose!!! I would love an English copy ?

  167. I’m going to let you keep the eyeless faces. I have plenty already, thanks. I took German in high school, but I got chicken pox (at 16, I tell you, my parents were cruel) and couldn’t be there to take the final, so the teacher just gave me a B for doing homework. His initials were ASS. No joke. I also took a semester of German in college . . . the only reason I didn’t fail is because the teacher was really nice. I prefer English. It’s just . . . y’know, it’s pretty much ingrained.

  168. I was bummed that my getting hardback early meant I missed the extra chapter, so I’d be “superhobbitbouncy” to get an English one! Though that German cover is kookalicious.

  169. I’d love it! (The English one, not the German one. Everything sounds madder in German.) I lent my copy out and now I can’t remember who has it!

  170. Oooh, the paperback English version would be great. But I agree with Ashley that a German copy, strategically placed in my bookcase, would add an air of intelligence and mysteriousness.

  173. I wwwant a copy! German or English… surprise me! That way you have control over this whole issue, and everybody likes control, right? My gift to you! That’s how you win, if I win… lol

  174. Oh ME ME!! PICK ME!!! I’d prefer English as the only thing I learned in my German class was to tell people I had broken my ass…

  175. Need the German for mein sohn (my son which got auto corrected to marine zone). He is learning German this ought to mess him up gut.

  177. German, please! I can’t read German, and the only thing I know how to say in German is “say, aren’t you a cruel dwarf in disguise?”. Seriously. But I already have two English copies — paperback and hardcover — so the German one would round out my collection nicely, I think.

  178. I gave my daughter, who is 20 and in college and a fan of you because I’m an awesome dad like that, a hard back edition for Christmas, and I even put the signed book plate in it for her. She has also finished 2 years of college German and 4 years of high school German so she’s well prepared to enjoy your book in German as well as in English. So, there’s that.

    Who do I have to pay off to get you to come to Nashville for a reading/signing since you avoided our town like the plague?!?! I promise, it’s just like Texas, only with fewer oil wells and just as many guns.

  180. I’ve read my ebook version half a dozen times. I’ll gladly read a paperback (English) version another half dozen!

  181. I would so love a copy of your book in German. It would sit on the shelf with all my other German books after I have the hubby read it to me. I’m trying to learn German but it’s a slow process. When you grab a kids book in German and go ‘ummm what? this is tooooo hard!’ you know it’s slow. lol. Can’t wait to see you in San Jose.

  183. I would LOVE to get a copy!! English please…preferably Canadian… (lol) 😉

  184. Since I only have the e-book, I NEED a copy (English, please) for my Most Favorite Books EVER bookshelf! Although the German edition would also be an interesting addition. 🙂

  185. Jenny I would love a copy, especially since there is now an additional chapter that I missed the first time around 🙂 Speaking German would be awesome, but not very useful in Colorado.

  186. While having a copy in German would be cool on my coffee table and make me look super smart, I don’t wanna look smart. I wanna read a book, so I would ask for English.

  187. Even though I can’t read German, I need the German copy to go with my hardcover & paperback versions in English. Also this interuppted my Doctor Who watching, so you kind of owe me. Either a book or Rory as a Roman. Your call.

  188. I’d like an English copy. Or, if I can’t have that, can I have what I originally read, which was “a bunch of eyelash feces in a box”?

  189. I would like the English version please … or this may force to learn German, so then I can live there … or maybe not.

  191. I would love to have a(n) (english, signed) copy of your book! I came to your book signing in Dayton, but I freaked out at the size of the crowd and panicked and had to leave before I could do more than hear a few excerpts.

  192. Oooo, pick me, PICK ME!! And, I’d take either language since anything you’ve created is just plain AWESOME!!

  193. I’d really like a copy. In English too. Or is that as well. Well whatever. I must be the only person on Earth who reads your blog and hasn’t read the book yet. So hopefully I’ll get the hook up on this giveaway. 🙂

  194. I’d take either copy. I was at your reading in Portland and I didn’t know if I was going to pee my pants or start bawling, I was laughing so hard. Then you signed my metal chicken. It was AMAZE-balls.

    Anyways, I keep telling your story of being stuck in the bathroom to people, and while they laugh their butts off, it isn’t the same as shoving a book in their face and saying “YOU HAVE TO READ THIS. NOW. I’LL WAIT.” I’d really like to do that.

  195. English paperback, please! I have the hardcover, and want to read the new stuff! Congratulations on your still being on the NYT list! That’s amazing, but well-deserved. Your book was great!

  196. I want an autographed copy! I’ll take German or English! I missed your tour in NYC because I was fighting a green dragon and then five cats tried to kill me. Sort of. But I wanted to be there! Really! Exclamation point!

  197. Pick me pick me! But for the English one. I took 3 years of German but all I can remember how to say is “Classy haircut!” and “How much are the pens?” (Klasse harschnitt! und Wie kostet die kulis?) (p.s. some smarty pants is going to correct me on those. count on it!)

  198. If I were in San Fran I would totally come scrape barnacles with you because that would just be Rad m. I could say I totally just scraped junk off a boat with Jenny Lawson. But I digress. I’m not in San Fran but I’d love a copy of you book in English of course

  199. Marina is definitely a neighborhood and I am excited that you get to see San Francisco! You will love it here! I’m definitely going to try and make it, although I have your book on iPad so I will have to find something else for you to sign.

  200. Oh crap! Not only do I live near SF and my actual birthday is April 1st I also speak (limited) German! That book should be mine!

    Only fly in the ointment is we are moving into a new house on Monday. This would be a perfect housewarming, birthday, sorry you couldn’t make it present.

  201. Would totally love an English copy! I have the audio book, which I love, but so want a hard copy!

    See you in Danville next week!

  202. I bought your book before it even came out! But, I would love another copy to give to my daughter who loves you as much as I do.

  203. Loving the cover of the German version- if you so inclined to send it my way 🙂

  205. Ich möchte eine Kopie Ihres Buches in den deutschen bitte. Ich bin durch das Lesen alles in der englischen gelangweilt. vielen Dank.

  206. Would love the German one please, see I had taken one German course at univ. 24yrs ago just so I could be all cool sounding ‘Can’t chat, off to German class, Auf Weidersan losers!’ Epitome of coolness, eh?
    So if I get the German version of your book I can sit in Starbucks and just when it gets quite full of yuppies I can guffaw loudly whilst(nice one?) holding your book aloft(man. I’m just on fire today) and caw loudly ‘Oh, Jenny Lawson, Auf Weidersan you crazy nut.’
    Did I happen to mention that’s the only line I retained of German and never actually use it correctly.
    Auf Weidersan Jenny Penny

  208. I would totally take the box of eyeless faces but since it isn’t up for grabs I would LOVE an English copy of the book!!

  209. I would love a copy in German, I already have the hardcover in English! Great conversation starter, having a book in German on your bookshelf, you know.

    Good luck on the rest of your tour!

  210. I would love the German copy! I have a family member who could teach me to read it, too!

  212. I would love a German copy. Dedicated in German. Cuz that would be cool. Even tho I can’t speak a word of German. 🙂

  213. I’m so excited!!!! I’ll see you in Danville! I’ll be the pregnant woman standing next to the tallest man in the bookstore 😀

  215. As I have it in an ebook, I would love a German copy. I took it (German, not the book) in high school but probably cannot read it now. Maybe I could find Frau Kommraad to help me. You are awesome and your posts regularly make my day!

  216. ….Can I have a Latin version? Please! English will be my backup since I bought the E-book of the first edition and don’t have the extra chapter.

  217. I wish you could come to Memphis. But, honestly, truthfully, I would probably cry and be really shy and trip over my own feet and be way too nervous because reading your book pretty much kept me from killing myself this past fall.

  219. My best friend and I will be at the signing in Phoenix! If i get to pick, I’d love to have the audio book so I can listen to it at work and in my car and anywhere I wanted to. Or a paperback in English, please. It so rocks that you’re published in German, but I can’t read German. I’m not that cool.

  220. Oh lovely! How I would love to win a book. In English. Or better yet, an audiobook. Because your voice made it even better! Seriously. The voice inside my head just cannot pronounce vagina the way you do. FYI, I cued the audiobook in the car so that when my husband left to go to the store, the first thing he heard was you screaming,”Vagina!”. It was epic.

  222. You already were kind enough to give me a pre-printed copy so I am grateful for that. Have fun in California!

  224. I’ll take the English or German…I can’t read German but well it might be pretty cool to have 🙂

  226. Sorry. That said, ‘Please send me the book in German!” I’ll teach you all the really bad German phrases.

  227. Ooh… I’d love a paperback copy. In English because I want to read the new stuff. Although that German one would look super awesome on display.

    But, no, English. Definitely English. 🙂

  229. I already have the english copy, so I totes want a German one. And I’m moving, so if you send me a signed copy it’ll be the FIRST THING MAILED TO MY NEW HOUSE. Yes. That’s right, B-unit: you could have that honour. And I could have a pink book I can’t read. Everybody wins.

  230. I just saw your book at Target:) No extra money, so I couldn’t buy it:( Would love an English copy, if I’m lucky enough to get chosen:)

  233. I would love either, but the English one would be best so I can read the extra chapters that were not in the kindel version 🙂

  234. I totally want a German copy. Because I read German. That’s because I’m really smart. Well, and German, that helps, too…

  238. The Germán versión would be an awesome addition to my collection of hardcover, paperback and kindle versions 😀

  239. I would love your book in any language … if I can’t read it now, I’ll learn later. LOVE this blog and all of the wonderful people here 🙂

  240. I already read (and adored) the hardback version, but I’d love a paperback so I can get the new stuff!

  242. English version (hardcover?) please! Or a TARDIS. I’d prefer the TARDIS, but only if it has low mileage and still has the capacity to travel through time and space.

  244. I’ve heard your book is all kinds of hilarious! My sister turning me onto your blog and we’d love to read your book! In English please 🙂

  245. I would love a signed copy, paperback in English….and if you wanted to throw in a few of your eyelashes, that would be ok too….

    I just creeped myself out a bit, no eyelashes. K thnx Bye

  246. would love a copy! just finished reading the copy i got from the library and i definitely want my own!

  247. I am not picky. I just look forward to anything that you may send me if I am that lucky. Thank you. I love my e-book but a real book would be better for the bookplate I have from the preorder.

  249. Can I beg for an English copy? I can’t offer anything like zombie-infested flying unicycles in return, but if i *could* that would be seriously cool, and you could probably use them to repel the scorpions … or kill the foxen and reanimate them. Wait … that’s not a good trade AT ALL … damn.

  250. I recently found your blog and have gone back through every single page of it because it speaks to me so well. I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder and I just love your saying of “depression lies” because it’s something that is so hard to believe in the middle of a panic attack but it’s completely true and I try to keep reminding myself of that every day. I would totally love a copy of your book as I haven’t had a chance to buy it myself yet (in English because I am not smart enough for German). Thanks and keep up with the hilarious blogging, it’s what has gotten me through some pretty bad days recently.

  251. I would love the German version. It will impress my future German friends.

  252. I would love to get a copy! It’s on my amazon wishlist, but I had to use my giftcards to buy a gift for my friends baby shower instead. Strangely, your book was not on her registry. Maybe that means she shouldn’t be my friend.

  253. I am not smart enough to read the German version, so I’d prefer an English version. I could read a French version though.

    Is it weird that I think booking you for a personal home reading is a great idea. Invite a few friends, wine and desserts. I love this.

  254. By the way … I think Billy Idol has all the eyes that belong to those faces.

  256. I would love a paperback version, in English, please. Though, I do have a friend who could translate the German for me. You are the best!

  259. Would love a copy (in English), as it’s my book club’s April selection, and the kindle download is no fun to curl up with. If you’ve got it in Spanish or Portuguese, I’ll take it, but German is just not in my repertoire.

  261. I already have the English one and if you send me a German copy, then I can turn it into a safe for storing my guns and drugs! I hope I get picked!!!!

  262. I NEED THIS BOOK IN ENGLISH….yes, I’m yelling at you and yes, I don’t care! I NEED THIS BOOK!!! I have the e-version and I want a hardcopy so I can smell it, read it, hug it, sleep with it, whatever (yes you can do all these things with a NOOK, but it’s more fun with an actual book).

  263. I would lOVE a signed copy of your book – in English – w/out the eyeless faces. Beyonce is ok, though. 🙂

  264. I would love the English version. I would like to read what I missed. Although, eyeless doll heads sound fun, too!

  265. I would love a copy because my friend took my copy and never gave it back. She’s still my friend. I guess.
    And maybe the German copy would be fun. I don’t speak or read German. Not even sure I know anyone who is German. But I would carry the book in public and someone would speak to me in German or ask if I’m German and I would say “gesundheit” because that’s all the German I know. Wait, is that German?

  267. How is Jenny Lawson like Apple? The slightly cooler upgrades to make me buy yet another version of what I already have. ‘Blog’ then ‘Book’ then ‘Extra Chapter’ now ‘German’. When will it end?

  269. Any book…English or German 🙂 As long as it has your signature…or Hunter S. Thomcat’s signature. That would be awesome

  274. As you can see, I do not only have a German website and email address, I actually AM totally German and thus can read German 😀 I dunno if that really means I’m smarter than you, but fact is I’d love to own the pretty German edition, and with your royal, shiny signature to boot… I promise I will lend the book to all my crazy friends and add to your minion army that way. Deal?

  275. Well I really had my heart set on the eyeless faces in a box. But, I suppose I’ll settle for the German version of your book which I think is telling you that you smell funny where the title should be? Thank you for always brightening my, otherwise, boring work days.

  276. Is it greedy to ask for a copy in English and in German? That way I can teach myself some of the wackiest German phrases and confuse everyone when I visit the country again!

  277. Jenny, you are AWESOME!! I missed you when you were here in Gaithersburg, Maryland 🙁 but I would love an English copy of your fantastic book!!

  279. I just finished the paperback. I cried, I laughed, I gasped. I realize now that my life is SOOOO boring! I would love a signed English version, then I can share my paperback book with my best buds.

  280. As tempting as the German version sounds, I’d totally love the English version (since, you know, I’ll actually be able to read that). 🙂

  282. What I want more than anything, is to have the ability to take care of a penguin, and therefore to have a penguin.
    But second on that list, is another copy of your book. I can’t read German, so I’d probably give it to my cousin, who can. Or I might horde it because if I can’t have a penguin, why not ALL THE BOOKS?

  283. Shit! There are a bunch of comments before mine. If you scroll down this far and pick me, I’d love an English version.

  284. Oohoohooh {{crazily waving my arms in the air}} Pick Me! Pick Me! (English please) Thankssoverymuch

  285. If it was French, then yay! German, not so much – I married into this last name. However, an English copy would absolutely make my day!

  287. I’ve just started expanding my German book collection, but I’d be happy with German or English 😀 It’s because I’m really smart AND I’m not even German. I haven’t read it yet but I figure reading it first in a foreign language could be hilarious and confusing because I won’t know what’s just weird translation and what’s actually you. (In the German version of the first Harry Potter book there’s a bit that says “Mr Dursley has 5 people to screw.”. Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember reading THAT version of Harry Potter.)

  288. I’d love a paperback copy, preferably in English! I bought the hard cover version, so I’d love to see the extra stuff!

  291. I just bought the paperback to give to my favorite Aunt who was recently diagnosed with inoperable cancer. I figured there could be no better way to cheer her up. So clearly you are a comedic genius and I am a saint. Instead of the offical cannonization, can I just have a copy in German please?

  293. You will be going to my “home” bookstore, Rakestraw in Danville. I will not be attending as I am living in the Czech Rep right now. They are amazing, passionate about books people. I would love an English copy but I am not greedy and I will settle for you giving Mike, the owner of Rakestraw, a hug for me. Have a great tour, Jenny!

  295. i would love one in german…i would keep it with my collection of harry potters in various languages!!

  296. I have the English version already so I’ll take the German version. That way when people come to my house they’ll think I know German, or can at least read it! Plus, everything in German sounds angry!

  297. I am a total jerk because if I had a German version, I would give it to one of my very….uptight friends. He actually does read German a little, and it would be HILARIOUS to have him stretch his abilities to read your book. HILARIOUS.

    But other than that, I’m bummed I won’t be able to see you in person. Have a good last leg!

  298. I can read it because, well, maybe you guessed it, I am German. So this book would be perfect for me! Although I just bought your paperback book in English which is, sadly, not signed. I could compare the two and see how the translator did!

  299. Oh, for an English paperback copy, so that all the bits not in the digital copy could be mine. My bits.

    And oh, for another book tour, so I could squee and see you RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

    Thank you for being you.

  301. Sadly, I cannot make it to any of your book signings. The closest you’ve come to where I am has been Paramus, NJ and that’s still a day off work and lots of driving. Doch würde ich gerne eine Kopie Ihres Buches auf deutsch!

  303. I’d love a copy! If you can make it happen to visit Wisconsin on your tour that would be awesome too. Madison preferred but Milwaukee will work.

  304. What I want is for you to do a reading/ signing in Calgary, Alberta!
    They say Calgary is the Canadian Texas, but I don’t know who “they” are and since I’ve never been to Texas, I can’t verify this and I don’t know if “they” can be trusted. Regardless, I think you would fit right in!! 🙂

  305. Stop taunting me with the paperback and its extra chapter and all its fancy papery….ness. PLEASE CAN I HAVE IT? (in English, preferably, so I can read the extra stuff!)

  306. Well, I have two hardbacked copies, a paperback, Kindle, and CD edition in English, So I would LOVE to have a copy in German!

  307. I would love the English copy! You need to come to AL – think of all the quiet pets you could find here!

  308. I already have 2 in English, wait no 3 if you count the audio book! A German copy would be awesome. A friend of mine became fluent enough in French to live in France by reading the French version of the Harry Potter books. I’m sure I could totally move to Germany after reading this book. (You know as long as getting your hand caught in a cow’s vagina is a thing there….probably I’m the countryside).

  309. German, please? Can you sign it to Stinky…cause I know what’s up with the night war. Sad I can’t be inSF to see you. Last SF experience was AFP.

  310. I am definitely going to need the German copy. Can’t read a lick of it but I know that cover alone is worth it.

  311. I would die for an English copy so I could give my BFF her signed copy back. I just keep reading it over and over and over…

  312. I wish I could come see you again… COME BACK TO CHICAGO!!! 🙂

    I’ll take an English version, to give away to a friend… I already have my signed copies (yes, you signed two for me, thankyousomuch!!). I want EVERYONE I know to also have signed copies…. Love you Jenny!

  313. I want an English book. An English copy of your book. Not an English lit book. And not a British copy of your book. A copy of your book in English. Unless you have a cow wearing a necktie and floppy boots. I’ve always wanted to see a cow wearing a necktie and big floppy work boots.

  315. I think I’d the English copy so I can read it (again), but the cover on the German copy is so appealing. How about an English copy with a German dust jacket?? Oh either one, Jenny, either one! (And now I have a scary image in my brain of a box of eyeless faces, so… er, thanks for that.)

  316. Ooooh!!! Would love a copy! Have the Audiobook, which I loved! Listened on a motorcycle trip last summer! Laughing so hard my husband thought something was wrong with the motorcycle!! Would love a copy to read the extras! And BTW you were a great narrator!!! 🙂

  317. Personally, I’d prefer an English copy. HOWEVER, if I got German, I wouldn’t complain. I would just spend a lot of time on freetranslation [dot] com

  318. Da ich aus Deutschland komme, hätte ich gern das deutsche Buch 😀

    As I am from Germany, I would love to have the German version with your autograph in it. I promise it’s going to get a place of honor in my book room!

    Liebe Grüsse
    Jo

  319. I Would LOVE a copy in German! I have a copy in English already, but I love having books in German…I have all 7 Harry Potters in German too. I can only partially understand them, but I like pretending I can.

  320. I’d love to win a book. In German, because that’s half the fun.

    Also, it would probably encourage me to learn German. Either that or just make me look multicultural in airports while I just stare at funny words and nod attentively.

  323. I have the ebook, it was amazing! I’d love an english print copy so i could pass it to my mom.

  325. I would like an English copy. Congrats on still being on the NYT list! That’s awesome!

  326. Love the e-book, now I want to read all the extra bits! In english, please! 🙂

  327. Ich liebe dich!!
    But that’s most of the German I know. So, if I am lucky enough to get chosen, English please.
    I already own the original book, but NEED THE NEW CONTENT!
    Sneaky woman.
    Have fun and be safe on the final book tour dates!

  328. German!! Please please please pick me for a German copy! Yes, I can read the beautiful language – even speak it! 😉 I would love to compare and see if my translation would be a better one (I’ve got a Masters in German as well as English and am working on my PhD in Comparative Literature). I’m pretty sure my translation would be better! First of all I would make sure to translate the title a bit more accurately…!

  330. Ich kann Deutsch lesen! (that means I can read German, and I’d love a copy!)

  332. I can read German–not because I’m smart, because I was born in Germany–and I would love a German copy. All the German books I have now are really boring, I need to round things out.

  333. Pick me pick me!! I have two English copies and the audio book so I would love a German copy. I can’t read German. It’s just a super rad fuzzy pink cover which looks awesome.

  337. English book please! Even though I’m part german I can’t speak a word of it… I’m a traitor to my heritage.

  340. I’d love either language. 🙂 It can keep my signed hardback English version company when I’m not there.

    Thanks for being you!

    Tacy

  341. If I can’t get the eyeless faces…and I am not disciplined enough to learn German on my own, I would take either copy as one would make me laugh and the other would make everyone ele around me laugh trying to read German. Or. You would be responsible for my new education as I would be forced to learn German…and become more disciplined. Which would make you responsible for a better me. Wow…you are incredible..smarter already.

  342. English version please!! And congrats on NYT list! I laughed so hard reading your book & the blog! You are hilarious!!

  343. English please, unless you want to do the inscription to me in German but then it would be meaningless to both of us. Heck you could be telling me off in German and I would not even know.

  344. I’d love to take the German Copy. No, I ain’t smarter than you. but my German is QUITE decent 😉 it being my native tongue after all….now if you have a Korean version, I would not be able to read that but I would still love to own it just to weird everybody out 😉

  345. Please please please please! You are the awesomest of awesome. I want to be your friend, because you make me feel not alone in my weirdness, and my husband and Victor could hang out together and shake their heads at us. I am going to your book tour date in San Francisco, and I really really really want to meet you. And I know I sound like a hyper-active chihuahua right now, but I promise I’ll calm down some before I meet you in real life so as not to scare you. 🙂 (Oh, and a signed book would be amazing and full of awesome.)

  346. Oooooooooo, I totally want the German copy. Do you have a Swahili version? I already have the English version. It will be fun to learn how they say, ” I have diarrhea” in every language:)

  347. Oooh I would love the English copy. Unless the German one is simply the numbers one through ten, repeating page after page. Then I could totally read it and impress all of my friends.

  348. Hi Jenny! I’d totally love signed english copy, I don’t own your book though I have borrowed it from the library a couple times. And I totally deserve it because todsay I have a crazy story of my own. I got my yearly mammo today and passed out right after it was finished. My husband works at the hospital’s cancer center where I got it done and bunches of people got to see me laying on the floor with my boobs hanging out. Then they called rapid response, which means everyone in the building who isn’t currently tending to a patient comes running. Like bunches of people all peering in through the door(though at least someone had the sense to cover me with a blanket by then). Then since I banged my head on their pretty, freezing cold, stone floor they made me go to the E.R. and I got to ride in an ambulance for the first time. They took blood and did an EKG and I tried to pee in a cup but I couldn’t and no one would let me drink my coffee! Then they put me on a heart monitor and 2 hours later they finally let me drink my coffee and an nurse said the only thing holding me up was the pee test. And I almost told her that it wouldn’t have been a problem if they let me drink my darn coffee 2 hours before. So I peed and finally got to go home. I am apparently fine. Except mortified that a bunch of people my husband works with may have seen my naked boobs. Good Friday my a$$. 🙂 And that is why I should get a signed copy of your book.

  351. Omg my friend/race-running buddy is fluent in German. She’s a wonderful, smart and totally crazy girl – but hasn’t read your book yet! I would LOVE to give her the Deutsche copy. She’d flip out! 😀

  353. Oh! Oh! Oh!
    Me! Me! Me!
    Need more Bloggess in Minnesota – you know the place that winter NEVER leaves.

  354. I’ll take the German one. I can’t read German, but if I put it on my bookshelf people will think I can. And they will think I’m smart. So I’ll fool them twice with just one book. And I will buy the English version, memorize it and read people pages from the German book. I will be impressive. I’m guessing your whole point of this giveaway was to make me look better, right? No?

  356. You should give it as a prize to who pee’d their pants from laughing so hard the most from reading it. In which case I could win that hands down!. I’d love my own copy so i could relive the experience. (English version of course). 🙂

  357. My aunt and uncle are fluent in German, but I want the paperback English one since I plan on keeping it, maybe I’ll share it though.

  359. I would love a copy of your book in German. I don’t speak the language, but I could amuse myself by checking to see how well some phrases got translated.

  360. English would be cool. And I’d love to come to a stop on your book tour–how about stopping in Dallas?????

  361. German copy, please! So I can send it over to my sister in Germany who greatly misses American humor. The kids she is teaching English to can’t even grasp a knock knock joke.

  363. Is it weird that I want the German copy but I can’t read a word of it? I thought a lot about my childhood and especially my dad while reading your book and he spoke German. I think owning the German version would be awesome but I would be honored to own anything that was signed by you.

  364. I will learn to read German if I get the copy. Mostly I just want to see what got changed around in the translation

  365. We’ll see you in San Jose. It’s already on my calendar, so it must be real!

    I would appreciate a English version. I gave mine to my sister.

  366. I would like to buy you and your German translators some wine. Just to see their faces after translating phrases like “eyeless faces in a box”. Priceless! Good luck on the last leg of your tour Jenny!

  368. Ich wirklich, wirklich wollen die Deutsch-Version wenden Sie sich bitte!!

    p.s. Ich liebe Sie Jenny!

  369. since I don’t want to have to go back to school to learn German, I would love to win the English version

  373. My husband and I met while working in Germany and we came to see you in Kansas City. (We live in Kansas but ventured into Missouri just to see you!) We would Love, Love, Love to have the book in German so we can try to relearn German by reading the books at the same time. It would be awesome. And probably if we ever do go back use the Lawson German it might sound like “Can I buy that pig scarf for twelve vaginas?”

  374. I woud like the English version but I promise to give it to a German friend. Have fun in CA (and AZ)!

  375. I would so dig a Hamlet Von Dracula bookcover… Please to be remembering – YOU ARE GOOD AT IT.

  376. Ooh! Me! Pick me! Please. And the English version would be amazing. And thank you. I hope the last leg of the tour goes well, Jenny!

  377. I would dearly love to have a german copy!! I have the e-book and the hardback. I’m buying the soft this weekend. This would be perfect for the wtf factor!!!!

  378. I would totally love a Deutsch version to go with my English version… I’m studying, so I can practice reading your hilarity in my second favorite language!

  379. I’d love to win a copy in English, but German is cool too, I’d just give it to my mother and then she’d REALLY start to worry about my sanity. But seriously, when is this tour going to hit Utah? Because as much as I’d love to drive to San Francisco or Phoenix, I don’t think my boss would approve time off for a road trip to attend a book reading…bastard.

  381. After convincing my husband to move to Minnesota from Arizona, he’s now laughing at me because I want to be there to get my book signed and meet you! So very jealous! Who wouldn’t want a german copy they couldn’t read? That would be awesome. =)

  382. Pick me. I want the German copy. My daughter is flying to Germany for the summer and she can gift it to my mother-in-law who loves to read. She lost her mother recently and deserves to laugh until she pees (the pee could be my gift, the book could be yours). I bought the audio and the hardcover versions, so this one would be like buying two and getting the third one free. Bitte und danke!

  383. Please come to Pittsburgh because we love you and because Pittsburgh is like a dead wolf head that no one wanted to look at, but that has become totally awesome after someone like you found us at a yard sale and realized our potential and gave us a cape and pearls and put us on a wall. (No pressure or anything.)

  384. Well, I cannot read German but I can read English! I came to meet you at the Joseph-Beth bookstore in Cincinnati, OH, but I didn’t get to talk to you or have you sign my book because I didn’t buy it there. I could have waited until all the people with those little proof of purchase slips were finished but my sciatica was screaming at me “Oh, no, you ain’t standing in that freakin’ line for 4 hours. I will take you down, Bitch!” So I do not have a signed copy after all. I’d sure LIKE one though. I did get to ask you a question during the Q & A spot though. I asked you what the coat looked like which you were wearing when you met Victor. By the way, not at all what I had pictured when I read it. I was seeing a little navy blue pea-coat. Your description made the story so much funnier!
    I just love you. “Knock-knock, Motherfucker!”

  385. Hmmm, I already have the book but just in case this turns into an episode of Jenny’s Favourite Things and you start sending us all random stuff, I’ll take either a photo of Wil Wheaton or a mouse with a cape. Thanks!

  386. Loved the hardback book but my sister was too lame to come see you in Seattle to get it autographed for me!! I would do back-flips for a signed paperback copy!

  388. PS: Remember the time I posted about being called by the police because I butt dialed and they heard the part of your book about the dead people and I thought they were going to track me down and arrest me. That story is all true and worth a free book. Plus — and I can’t stress this enough — that was the scariest thing that happened to me and you owe me big time for it.

  389. Puh! LEASE! Send me one of your awesome autographed books with your signature on it! Because, I want to be creepy and molest it because you signed it. That is all. 🙂

  390. I’d take either German or English… I need to practice my German skills and laughing at stories would definitely help that!

  391. The German copy could be fun, but if I get to pick, I would like a signed paperback copy since it has the extra chapter or the audiobook! I still love my hardback book.

  392. I would love an English version! And also, if I can get off work, I will totally be there on April 1st.

  393. I would love the German version. My friend recently moved to Germany and is learning the language.

    I already have the English version of your book so if you gave me the German version I could memorise the English one and then be all, ‘I learned German before you, I’ll prove it, pick a random page of this book and I’ll translate it.’

    And then I will and I’ll look so smart.

    Until she asks me to read it in German and I’ll horribly mispronounce every single word.

  394. Good Luck on the rest of the tour, hope you don’t have to scrap barnacles off the boats. I’d like the English version if you have one available with your signature on it 🙂 Please and Thank you!

  395. German version. I can’t read German, but I want to pretend I can on airplanes so that I can make people not talk to me by being all “Ich spreche nicht Englisch”

  397. I am afraid I do not read German, put I do a fair job reading English. And I love to laugh. Please and thank-you.

  398. Would totally love to read the extra bits. In English. Will eventually buy the paperback to do so (finances aren’t allowing it at the moment). Winning it would be awesome.

  399. I have e version and hardback, both in English. I would love the German one please

  402. Me, me, me!!! (You can’t see me, but I’m waving really hard.) English copy please!

  404. Aah!!! I want a autographed something…book, paper, taxidermy…. Whatever. I’m so not picky.

  405. I bought your book in January and gave it to a friend for Christmas and the lucky recipient, despite having torn through it, LOL’ing on the plane all the way home, even messaging me about how great it was, has ignored several pointed hints to share the love and lend it back to me so I can read it too! So what I’m trying to say is, save me from my Indian-giving self. I really need this book. English please and thank you. 🙂

  406. Jenny, I met you in Phoenix over the summer….I was likely your only female bald fan at the signing. Still battling cancer, and I won’t be able to make it due to fatigue from chemo and radiation. Enjoy the gorgeous weather, and hopefully we can meet again next book tour…
    Bummed but kickin’ cancer’s ass,
    Michelle

  407. You’re so pretty, Jenny 😉 You need to come back to N Texas, but come to Ft Worth this time. It’s way more fun than Dallas.

  408. I would love one!! I would even take one in German. I still remember German from my high school days, well I remember a lot of the swear words. So should be fine!! ! 😉

  409. I would love a German one! I don’t speak or read it but I think your book would be the coolest, funnest, most entertaining way to learn!

  411. Since I lived and studied in Germany for three years (and speak German fluently), and I recommend your awesome book to all my German friends, an autographed German version would find a lovely home in my brain-pan 🙂 Bitte?

  412. I’ll take German or English because I’m a language whore! Or Sprachen Schlampe!

  413. I want a copy of the new paperback version! Preferably English, but you know, whatever…

  414. Would love an English copy but German would be great too. Thanks for making my bad days better. Your the best therapy I’ve ever tried.

  416. Could you send me the english paperback version please? It’s kind of impossible to get it in the country I live in 🙁 Do you know anyone else in Hungary, who reads your awesome blog? It would be nice to meet them!

  417. I never enter contests, but I am, so…. so much for that. I would love an autographed copy of your English book. I love your blog. I have to be honest and say I have not bought and read your book yet, and I intend to. A bloggy friend of mine just posted that she met you at your book tour in her area and bought the book (even though she already had it on kindle) just to get your autograph. You are one of her heroes. I already told her I was going to finally buy your books, since I’ve been following you about a year now…so I will be buying them soon on the slim chance I don’t win this contest. (hahaha.) I link people to your blog sometimes too, because you crack me up, and I know you will crack them up. I don’t tell them I also relate to you because you are more than that – which I’m sure is why you have such a great sense of humor, too. I think we learn humor to get us through the crappy stuff! (Some people just are better at humor that EVERYONE finds funny, than others!!) I just lurve you. 🙂 Even if (by some wild chance! ;-D) I don’t win…wanted to thank you for all the laughter and inspiration. Okay, mostly for the laughter. ;-D But the blog on world suicide prevention day for instance, that was da bomb, too. I wrote a blog after reading yours that day because you inspired me to…then I got embarrassed and deleted it, lol. Oh well, maybe next year. 🙂 I did link people to your blog, instead. 🙂 I worried I over-disclosed in mine. 🙂 I’m a newb blogger – not going to link my blog even. Well, enough ramblin. THANK YOU for starting so many of my days with a good laugh. I have a peeping tomcat too. 🙂 But my bathroom is smaller, so he whacks my toes. It is VERY SMALL, claustrophobically so. Not going to post a pic. My cat loves the challenge to play toe-whack-a-mole while I try to avoid the claws and get my business done.

  419. Oh, that reminds me….some employee at a gas station found two eyes sitting on a box this week…..so, I guess we have the eye part covered here in K.C.
    Oh, and I forgot…. Pick me…Pick Me…..cause my dumb husband would not go with me to see you when you were in KC.

  420. Oooh – I want one in German so I look like a smarty pants! I could memorize the English version and make it look like I can read German! Please come visit us in our tint town with an amazing indie bookstore – Battenkill Books – you have a very big fan club here!

  421. I would love, love, love, love, love a copy of your book in English, pretty please.

    <3

  422. Oh please oh please oh please pick me! I have the Ebook but I want the real thing!!!!!

  423. I loved your book. I loved giving your book as a gift and if I win another, I will gift this one, too – after reading the extra chapter.

    Thank you for being differently sane in print, giving hope and solace to those others of us who are in the same boat in different places or may be in copies of your boat in other places or in our own weird boats in other places. Whatever – thanks!

  424. English copy please, my cat is creepy enough without German literature in the house.

  425. Does it come in Italian? I’d be all over that one if it was. If not English works for me too. I so wanted to go on April Fool’s Day but my nephew had to go and schedule a wedding, like that is really more important. Can’t wait to see you on the 2nd though.
    -Gina-

  426. You are totally awesome and I missed seeing you with my friends when you came to Ohio b/c I just had a baby, but I want a signed copy of your book even though I couldn’t make it because I read it on my kindle and loved it. And it would cheer me up. And give me something to read when I’m up in the middle of the night feeding a newborn/cleaning poop off of myself/convincing my toddler to go back to bed even though mommy is awake and there really is no secret baby party she is being excluded from.

  427. p.s. English would be more useful, but I forgot to say it. I always forget to say something, which is why people yell – what are you saying – because I remember to say it after I am out of audible distance, sigh.

  428. I so need the paperback, I only have an e copy with your signed jacket sticker that I just permanently stuck to the inside of my kindle cover!

  429. I would love a copy in German! I am a teacher of German at the university level and I think it’d be super awesome to be able to show my students something they might actually be interested in picking up. I also study translations into German so this would be super helpful for my own thesis work. 🙂

  431. I love this book and would love the English paperback to go with my hardback. I love being part of your tribe!

  433. Oh I want the German copy please. I have the English and love love love it. I like the pic on the German version. You totally need to do a reading at Canyon Lake library. Shake things up here in the heart of Texas.

  434. I’d love an English copy. I was the first person to check my library’s copy out when they got it in last year, and I haven’t yet purchased my own copy. But it’s on my To Do list!

  435. I would like the English copy so I can read the extra chapters. Read the ebook on my Ipad the first time around!

  436. I wish I could see the book tour, sadly that is not meant to be, unless i win the lotto lol. Chances of that would be improved by buying a ticket of course. I’d love to win an english copy of the paperback and a CD by Acid Black Cherry should you have an extra lining around : D.

  437. My last name is German. I cannot read German. I should be named English, but sadly I’m not, but that’s the copy I’d prefer.

  438. First, I totally read that as eyeless feces in a box and it in no way struck me as out-of-place. Then, my eyes focused and I felt ashamed.
    I’d be extra happy with the English paperback. 🙂

  439. I’d love a copy in English. I’m planning to buy it with by April “book allowance,” but then I could pass one copy on to my sister.

    But maybe if you sent me the German, I could teach myself to speak another language? And then I could go to Germany and speak to people, and they would wonder why I kept talking about zombies and murder and stuff. And I would probably inadvertently use a lot of profanity, right?

  440. English please! (It took me three tries to spell “English” correctly. Wow)

  442. O, please pick me! If not for my fabulous email name then for the fact that my boyfriend eerily sounds like Victor. (He even admits it.)

  443. I’d love a signed copy of your book in English! I bought mine way ahead of time on my kindle but the pictures aren’t as good in there as in a real book!

  444. Gah! You’ll be in San Jose on my birthday, and I was just there two weeks ago!

    German or English, I don’t care. I could always brush up on that high school German…yeah, I’m sure I remember a ton.

  445. I would love a proper copy, ebook is nice but just not the same 🙂

  447. Please, the English copy, to make up for the disappointment of you not coming anywhere near me on this tour.

  448. I would totally love the English version. 😀 If you sent me the German version, I’d have to send it to a guy I know in Germany to translate it, and I don’t know how long he would take to do that, so it really would be better to just send me the English one. 😀

    Also, I totally would come, BUT YOU ARE TOO FAR AWAY. Plus my partner wouldn’t drive me because he would have to stay home looking after the foster puppy and I think my legs would get tired walking from AUSTRALIA to AMERICA. Also I would probably drown because I’m not a very good swimmer at all. And then the sharks would eat me and there would be no foster mummy for the foster puppy it would be ALL YOUR FAULT.
    On the plus side, I would probably make it, even if only in pieces in a shark’s belly, but you could taxiderm me like a three dimensional jigsaw and put me on display and then I would always be there. Watching you.

  450. I would love the German copy. I’ve bought all the American versions plus the ebook!

  451. I would gladly accept any version you’d be willing part with, provided your inscription is in English. That is really the important part for anyone who has read the book ;). -Tami A.

  452. Do you have a version in hieroglyphics? I have the English version on my Kindle, and it would be a very cool way to learn hieroglyphics. Plus, I am dying to see what “…and whenever I had menstrual cramps, I could just pretend that Voldemort was close.” looks like in hieroglyphics. And now, so are you.

  453. I would love a German copy!!!!!! And I even vaguely speak German so I could kind of muddle through it (with lots of help from my German to English dictionary)

  454. I totally live between San Francisco and San Jose, so you’d think I’d be able to technically come see you twice, WHICH I TOTALLY WOULD, except on the 31st my fiance and I are moving to Austin, TX. SO BASICALLY, on the 1st when you visit SF, we’ll be driving towards your state while you (I’m assuming) are flying to my state. And then April 3rd when you’re in San Jose will by our first day waking up in our new home. You’re coming to my state and I’m coming to yours! BUT OMG THE TIMING KILLS.

    But past that, you’re totally awesome and now you should go to Austin, TX next!
    Also, I’d like a copy of your paperback book! I already have a hard cover version, but I TOTALLY want the paperback for the extra chapter! BUT if you pick me, you should surprise me with what language you send, cuz if you send it in English I’ll love it forever, and if you send it in German I’ll try to read it out loud with terrible pronunciation to my fiance, and THEN I’ll mail it to one of my dearest friends in San Diego, because she took a German class, so this would be great fun and practice for her! And learning how to say vagina in German seems right up her alley. 8D

  455. I would love to go to one of your book signings but unless you want to arrange a tour to New Zealand, it’s going to be an impossibility.

  456. I’d love the German copy. I have a miniature dachshund, so that makes sense, right?

  457. I’m totally getting in on the barnacle giveaway. Wait, rereading… English paperback, please and thank you!

  458. I would like the German one please. I need to send it to my German sister in law, maybe then she will understand what humor is…

  459. What I want is something funny to read in six weeks, once I’ve given birth and am in tears and pajamas for two weeks. Thanks! 🙂

  461. I would like an English copy please. Also, I have a car chicken named Karl.

  463. Hell yeah! I’d take either. I need to brush up on my German anyways…..

  464. English copy would be awesome, but honestly, would take either 🙂

    trippyjanet at gmail dot com

  466. I already have 2 copies of your hard-cover book (1 signed, 1 not (for lending)), so I don’t need another, but I wanted to comment to say that I am so excited you are coming back to AZ! I loved your last signing and can’t wait to see what fun and funky stuff you are presented with. Also, I had a total panic attack while waiting to meet you so when they offered to snap a photo, I ran away, so I’m not going to do that this time. I hope, anyway 🙂 See you in a few!

  467. Website I am not that cool… I want a day in my life when I don’t think, “Self why did you just say/do that? Was that a brain fart or did you just pull random thoughts out of the muddled mess you have up there. No you clearly thought and said that/ or did that, way to go you sure know how to make people look at you weird.”

    PS I also want to send you a “I cant keep calm because I have anxiety” t-shirt, but I don’t know your size and I don’t have your address and it is slightly stalkerish to ask for it since really we are complete strangers, although you did put your hand up my shirt in Dayton. (No Jenny it was to sign my shirt don’t think dirty like that, you did not do that with me, I was not your escort for the night!!)

    PPS I totally went home and framed the short cause that night I went around being ridiculous, fearing I would spill something on the shirt and then would have to wash it which would cause the signature to fade and then what was the point of having it signed in the first place. But then I realized I loved that shirt and I am totally upset I cant wear it anymore and it seems so wrong to have a shirt you can’t wear, so who was the genius who thought of getting Jenny Lawson to sign it!!!! Oh wait that was me way to go me! Anyways I was thinking of getting myself another shirt and was thinking I want to get you one too. So there you go!

  469. But I *can* read German…I don’t think I’ve forgotten how…a copy in German would be awesome! So I want that! And some springness with leafing trees and green grass and NO MORE SNOW. And to be healthy. Anyway, hi Jenny. 🙂

  470. I would love an English version. Even if the super fogged brain of mine can only read a couple of pages at a time.

  471. howdy! Texan in Maine here and I’d love the English version. I only know “danke schoen”-thanks Wayne newton and Matthew Broderick!

  472. Yes, please. In German please (…not that I can read it). I just need to have it like a box full of eyeless faces.
    E xo

  473. Hi Jenny!

    I would love to win a German copy of your book.
    But not for me. (I already have a copy of your book.)
    For my friend, Aoife.
    She did a double arts degree in German and Computer Programming, and is always looking for awesome books to read in German.
    She introduced me to the wonders of the song “Das ist nicht zwanzig centimeter” a song about the German language, the metric system and penile length.

    She taught me the German for lube (Schmiermittel) and is always willing to teach me German curse words. Could there be a better friend? I think not!

    I feel the world owes her a great debt for these incomparable services. Also, her birthday is coming up soon and it would certainly brighten up this momentous event (it will be, after all, her 27th birthday and I believe the traditional gift for your 27th birthday is a signed foreign language book)

    Sai.

  474. Ich kann sprechen Deutsch! …ein bisschen! Darf ich das Buch? Bitte? 😀

  475. I would take your book in any language!!!!! Although I only read English…

  480. I would absolutely LOVE a copy! Plus I speak some German so it’s all good! Ich benign googl schrieber! That means I am a pen, I think. So I’m all set if your entire book is just you calling yourself a pen over and over again… On second thought maybe the English is a better choice…. Yeah I think I’d rather the English. Not that there’s anything wrong with the German one. I prefer the German cover to the English one. It’s like a hairy pink Sasquatch. So yea, it’s awesome. If I saw a hairy pink Sasquatch in the wild I’m not sure if I’d scream or laugh. Maybe a combination. That would be a funny sound to hear. AHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAAAAAAHHHH it would be interesting. I mean it’s scary, but it’s pink, which is AWESOME. Yea so in conclusion, the English one is my preference

  481. Please write this inscription in my English version: “To Andrea, my favorite dead squirrel in a Ritz box.” I laughed my ass off imaging it 🙂

  483. A German copy would be amazing! I figure I can use the English copy I have to teach myself some fun German words.

  484. Congratulations on your success! I enjoyed your book so much! I picked it up while waiting for my son’s strep throat prescription at the grocery store– medicine for fighting said infection, that is, not actual strep-throat– but anyway, I couldn’t help snickering loudly. I hunted a copy down at the library and had to keep setting it down as I cried from laughing. I can’t decide if you’ve influenced me to work in HR or to avoid it at all costs… I loaned my library copy to a friend and need to buy more copies to lend to my husband and another friend. Thank you for being so snarky and sarcastic. Such a relief and a joy to read! If I am worthy of an autographed copy, I prefer English. Some day, I may do German, but I’m still working on English half the time.

  485. I would love a copy of the German version!!! That way my oma can read it with me! (me reading the english version, of course) 😀

  486. I’d love a copy in english please! Thanks for the continual laughs and inspiration! I hope the rest of your tour goes really well!

  487. COOKIE!!!! I want a cookie!!! oh crap, no sorry….uhh, a copy of your book would be better than a cookie. ccccooookkkkiiiieeeeee….

  488. Meine liebste Jenny, ich würde eine unterschriebene Kopie Ihres fabelhaften Buch in englischer Sprache lieben, bitte, da ich nicht in der deutschen nicht zu lesen.
    Ich würde gerne Kletten mit Sie kratzen, aber leider bin ich in Florida.
    Happy Easter!

    (english please)
    <3

  490. Oh and also I love reading your blog! You are so crazy funny! I may have to steal your coyote and your bobcat because they are amazing. Have you considered a career in giving dead animals makeovers? Because you’d be amazing at it! (Had to write this extra comment because I really want a signed copy and I realized in my entire paragraph I didn’t even compliment you once. Talk about the worst suck up EVER.)

  491. I am one of those people that do not post on things like this because I never win and it makes me feel defeated and sad. I decided to post anyway because I love your book and you’re my blogger hero (you a hero to a lot of us out here)!! Plus, maybe this will motivate me to learn German!… But probably not. But, it will make me feel more sophisticated and I can use it as leverage to convince people that I *can* read German. They will think I am mighty smart… or a liar. It depends how drunk they are and how convincing I am.

  492. I can’t read german, but I have several german friends who would love it. Plus I left my signed bookplate in a library book, (insert sad face) so really, I deserve it. Right?

  493. I am DEFINITELY attending the Danville, CA appearance! Wouldn’t miss it for the world!

    I would so love to have the German copy .. my oldest daughter (in Seattle, WA) is teaching herself German and is beside herself with disappointment that she can’t fly down here to see you in person. She is an avid follower of your blog and, in fact, told *me* about you. 🙂 (In fact, all 3 of my daughters are fanatic fans of yours. At times,they are simply fanatics. Kinda like you, only in training. 🙂 )

  495. Hi Jenny!
    I would love the English version, if possible (though there is NO WAY I would turn up my nose at a German version, because in theory I’m able to speak it).
    The German cover looks very cool – Hamlet von Schnitzel looks like he is trying even harder to cast a spell 😀

  496. I’d love an English copy. I loaned mine to a friend. She keeps claiming she will send it back. I think I’ve been had.

  497. I would love an english copy cause my small tiny library will never get another version most likely. And I am jobless and can’t afford to buy it

  499. My sister-in-law who I love is fluent in German but rarely gets to use it. Please, if I win, make it the German one so she thinks she’s lost something in the translation.

  500. I would like a German one, just so that people who don`t know any better think I am all intellectual and stuff!

  501. “Sorry don’t speak German” <—in German. I'd love an English version.

  504. I know your trips are probably planned down to the minute, but if you do have any time at all to enjoy San Francisco, here are two places to check out:

    Francis Ford Coppola’s pizza place:
    http://www.cafecoppola.com/cafezoetrope/
    Not only is it amazing pizza, in an amazing historic building….he actually eats there too! And he’s sweet about giving autograph’s….perhaps he’d like to have yours too!

    Also, if you ever get a chance, you should have lunch or high tea at The Rotunda in Neiman Marcus. It is a little spendy, but surprisingly not snooty or intimidating. If you’re time pressed, make a reservation…although you can just show up. No matter what you order, you get a starter of a teeny tiny cup of consommé…and the most heavenly GIANT popovers. It’s truly divine!

    Have fun!!!

  505. signed german copy would be in.cred.ible.

    Have so much fun on those tour dates!!

  506. Congrats on remaining on the bestseller list!!! I want a copy of your book in English and paperback so I can have the extra chapter. My mother misplaced my original copy and she replaced it with a hardback copy before I had a chance to tell her that I would super be okay with paperback. 🙁

  507. I would LOVE a copy of your book! Although I did take german in school, I would prefer the English copy. Your blog is so awesome!

  508. I would love an english version! I really realy wish I could have made it to a signing, but I live in the sticks and it wasn’t in the cards!

  509. Bummed that you won’t share the eyeless faces, but would love the English version of your book! Have fun at the barnacle scrapping!

  511. what I would love is a martini but I would really loovveee the English version of the book~~I have the ebook and apparently am missing some good stuff 🙂

  512. I can never make it to any book signings, but I’d love to be able to go “neener neener neener” to my friends who can with an autographed English copy 🙂

  513. I would love an English version! It would take me way too long to type the whole book into Google Translate to read the German version.

  514. I want the German, just because my classes at UT back in the 70’s never taught me the ‘Deutsche’ for “Knock, knock, motherfucker!”.

  517. I would *love* an actual book vs digital book. I’ll look way cooler with it on my shelf. or crazy. either way it’s fine

  520. I wish you were coming to the southeast (namely: FL). I constantly barrage Andrew with excerpts from your blog, read aloud, usually while he is trying to read. He says he empathized with Victor completely. I had purchased a sample of your book for my Kindle, and I never got to read it, because Andrew stole it and read the sample first. Then he began to return fire with excerpts from the sample while I was trying to read. Can you believe that? Who would interrupt someone who was reading, right? It was ALL he could talk about, so I bought him the hardcover for his birthday. You are now his very favorite author. Also, he now doesn’t find me nearly as much of a nutter, since I pointed out that I could TOTALLY put roadkill in a Ritz cracker box, but I don’t… because I love him. So… thank you. =)

  521. I would love a paperback copy I have an e-book. I’d prefer an English copy but hell I’ll take what I can get. How cool would it be if I learned German because of you book.

  522. Me please! I’ve given my first copy away! Would love to have and autographed. One! English preferably but hey beggars can’t be choosers right!? 😉

  523. Pick me, pick me! English because I’m not smart enough to speak German 🙂

  524. Is there a Pig Latin version? What about Elvish? I would definitely love either of those but if not regular English is still cool.

  525. I’d love either. I used to know some German. And most days I speak English fluently.

  526. English would be fab so I can continue to spread the love for you here in Idaho!! Congrats on the NYT success <3

  527. 1. I just learned what THE DIVA CUP was today. Did you know about these? WHY. DIDN’T. YOU . WARN. US? No words.
    2. My office-mate played “It’s Friday” by Fraulein Black all day (yes, ironically). I fought back with the Mashup of “Head Like a Hole” and “Call Me Maybe.” It’s called “Call Me A Hole.” Did you tell us about this? I actually like it.
    3. One of my best girlfriends gave me her “fat pants” yesterday because she lost 20 pounds in 8 weeks from some crazed juice-a-young-virgin-and-eat-the-strained-remnants-through-a-Bane-mask diet. I kind of wish she had quietly given them to GoodWill. Is that wrong?
    4. I feel like an autographed copy of your book would make this all better. And since you are the Pope, and it is Easter soon, if I won it, I could give up my Lent-sacrifices one day early. (I gave up making sacrifices for Lent.)

    THANK YOU EASTER BUNNY! BAWK, BAWK, MOTHERFUCKERS!

  528. I’m going to be in SF on the 5th….please come back! okay I will have to settle for reading your excellent book again 🙂 English plz!!!

  529. Loved the e book!!! Would love to read the extra chapters in paper book copy. I only want the eyeless faces if I can create back stories for hem and give them names, but not there real names. No one must ever know the eyeless people’s true identity.

  530. I would LOVE an English copy because I lent out my hard copy and I’m starting to doubt that it’s ever coming back. I own the audio book but it’s just not the same. I bought the paper copy for a friend’s birthday and she says she’ll lend it to me to read the extra chapter, but I think she is lying. And she would be very jealous if I had a signed copy. But she deserves it for lying to me.

    I don’t speak German but my daughter is taking it in high school next year so that’s like a freaky coincidence right? That’s gotta be worth something.

  531. I would really like a copy of the English version of the paperback, unless they have it in Hawaiian, because I’m really dying to become fluent in that so I can force my husband to take me there for some random anniversary. As a plan it’s still a work in progress, but I can’t get him to budge on agreeing to any sort of metal chicken in the yard, so I’ve had to radically move on from that dream. Jenny, make this one come true!!!

  534. I would adore a print, English copy 🙂 I loved the book (borrowed it from my best friend to read) and I would also love a copy! I would share it even with my rommie, so she could read your amazingness 🙂

  535. I borrowed the audiobook from my library a few months ago when I was going through a really hard time. Things were terrible transitioning to horrible at work, my best friend’s mother was dying, and my boyfriend had just broken up with me. I was a basket case pretty much 24/7-except when I was in the car listening to your book. At first it was the only thing that made me smile, and then after a few morning commutes I laughed, and then? I know I was going to be okay. So to own an English copy of your book would mean a lot to me. It’s hilarious and touching and amazing-but it also reminds me that I’m all of those things, too. And that if I was strong enough to make it through that rough spot, I’ll be able to do it again.

  536. Would love either copy… I speak both languages and would rather like to have a copy in German. Remember, life is short, so tell someone you love them. But it is also confusing and terrifying, so shout it out in German. English is cool too though. Less random and terrifying though. But meh. ICH LIEBE DICH, MOTHERFUCKERS.

  538. English copy would be lovely. I wanted to see you in Washington but it didn’t work out timing wise.

    And you aren’t coming to western Canada. Our loss really.

  539. I would actually like the German copy- I know a bit of German and can look smart while reading it at coffee shops. Pretty please ?!??!

  540. I would love an English copy, but much more important to me is to tell you that I would be there but am booked on Wednesday. Grrr. So I will be there in spirit, but not in person. Instead I will be helping teach people how to poke at each other with pointed metal sticks. Really. Fencing.

    And I will probably be poking at some of those people myself.

    Anyway, please know that I love your blog and would be there if I could. All the best!

  541. I have a hardback, but I would love a paperback for the extra chapter and then I could give the hardback to someone. Also, if you add Oklahoma City to your book tour I will totally come see you and drag my crazy friends with me. So that would be at least 4 or 5 people that would come, and if no one else did we could just have you sign our books and then take you out for drinks and/or to the flea market with some covert flasks in our purses.

  542. My husband speaks fluent German. Here is a list of phrases that I know how to say in German. I am writing them in English because I don’t know how to spell them in German. Well, I’ll give it a shot phonetically.
    Der tisch ist Braun. (The table is brown)
    Der Braun tisch list auch grune.(the brown table is also green.)
    Das ist nicht varscheinlich. (That is not likely.) (Which is probably the most useful phrase in German that i know, but won’t help you find the bathroom even in an emergency.)
    Anyways, I would take an autographed copy of your grocery list if it was offered.

  544. I would love a copy! I can read/speak German conversationally but since I only bought the kindle version I would squeal for an English paper copy!! Either way, you totally deserve the NYT recognition, that book had me laughing uncontrollably in inappropriate settings. And that, my friends, is love!

  545. My husband swears he can read German. I think it’s high time I put that to the test. I’ll make him translate it to English. If he doesn’t translate the word Hippopotamus at least a millions times, I’ll know he’s lying.

  546. English, so I can read it! I’m pretty bummed out, actually.. I had to work last Thursday, when you were in Kansas City, MO. I’m from Kansas City, Kansas which is the lame part of Kansas City. Also, barnacle scraping would be epic. Especially if there are seals around, cause seals are cool. My cat is pretty sure he could take a seal on and ride it like some sort of bizarre horse. My cat also does not see how he could possibly get even a single toe wet doing so….

  547. English or German, just please complete my Bloggess trifecta! My husband has been learning German and I could get him to read the book as practice, and then get him hooked on the hilarity:)

  548. Well I took German in high school about a decade ago, so I should be good to go, right? Ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch. (That’s literally all I remember…I guess I figured it would get me by.) Also, are you watching The Brain Scoop on YouTube? Because Emily Graslie appears to be your kindred soul — at least in her love of dead animals.

  549. ‘Kay first I thought – ooh, can I have it written in Cuneiform? – but then I got to thinking about your box of eyeballs and then I wanted a sack of Schweddy Balls (they glisten!) – but as good as Balls are, they don’t last so – English, pretty please (with a Sack of Schweddy Balls on top…or maybe one ball, instead of a cherry).

  550. i just bought my very first copy (and in english – i only enjoy reading in german during oktoberfest. yes, it’s one of “those things”) – yay!
    i typically insist upon hardcover books (when i’m not doing a kindle version) but i see you added something extra for the paperback version so i opted for it instead.
    i can’t wait!

  551. English would be great…but German might give me incentive to learn another language. I can read from my English copy, then the corresponding German. Hmm. The question is, am I that motivated? Nah. English it is.

  552. I would prefer English, but I’m flexible. No. Literally, I’m flexible. That’s not related to this topic, but it’s true.

    And do Germans not like your original cover? Apparently not, as it appears as if a four year old did the artwork on the German book. I mean, he’s clearly a talented four year old, but it’s still a crappy drawing.

  553. Do you have one in Japanese? I’ve read the ebook version and would love if my hubby could read your book too.

  557. I’ve got electronic & paperback versions, but I’d love a German edition. You know, for science!

  560. I would LOVE to have an English paperback!! 🙂 Please and Thank you! 😉

  561. Ooh, ooh! I think my hubby (who took German in college) would get a kick out of the German version! 🙂

  562. Boo! I won’t get to see you on this tour, but yay I would love a signed book! I’m happy to have it in either language though I would prefer english so I can read it again:>

  563. I would love the English copy! (as lovely as the German version’s cover is)

  564. I would love to get the German one!!! My friend and I are learning German on a lark and we could use it to study!!! What could be better than learning how to say taxidermied in German???

  565. I’m probably a terrible mom because I handed my 15 year old son my phone at a family event so he could get away from the much youngef children andgaggle of preteen girls and amuse himself by reading your book in kindle version. But he reads faster than I do. And there were parts I hadn’t read yet that were funny and genuine and real and I have a list of people in my head who don’t need to know he ir I were reading instead of appropriately socializing because I suspect their religious sensibilities would be offended and they would judge me as a bad mom. Which isn’t very Christian of them to judge so they don’t need to know. Far be it from me to put their tenuous hold on their religious convictions to an unnecessary test. Besides, like reasonable people who read, my son and I bonded over reading your book and sharing our thoughts “holy shit she’s funny! ” “I know! But a deer sweater would have been more than I could take! ” I know! So thank you for that. Plus? My son is studying German and could probably use the humbing experience I mean motivation to continue his language studies of having a great book at a reading level most likely still out of his reach.

    Whether you pick us or not, I do deeply appreciate you and your book and the sense that though I am not common, and though my childhood was not even close to ok, I’m not alone and I’m mostly ok and so are the other people I can relate to mostly ok. That’s all I really need. Thank you.

  569. I’d love a signed paperback in English…I could sit it next to my signed hardback…and then I could gift the non-signed paperback I bought to someone who could use a little Jenny in her life.

  570. OMG I’d almost be tempted to learn German just so I’d have an excuse to own that book with THAT COVER! OMG! But on the other hand, I only have the audiobook so I’d love a print copy (in English).

  572. German would be spectacular! It’s been a shit show of a day & you always make me laugh. Thanks!

  574. Jenny, you are a beacon of light for me! It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my craziness.

  575. I would love a copy! I’ve always wanted to learn German, but I’m too lazy for that, so I’ll take an English copy please.

  577. I would love an autographed (English, please) copy of your book. I started reading it at the grocer’s while waiting for my antidepressant prescription to get filled. I find myself bursting out laughing while reading it on the bus. Fellow passengers either glance at me furtively and think I’m tetched or ask what I’m reading. I’d ask for the signed book as a commission, but truly your book is selling itself. I’d give my current copy to the dourest-looking person on the bus.

  578. Congratulations on the NYT list! I loved reading your book! But it was hardcover, so I would LOVE to win a copy of your paperback! In English! 🙂

  579. I would love love LOVE a copy of your paperback!! I so hope I get picked. I’ll consider it a belated birthday present. Congrats on still being on the NYT list!! 😀

  581. Well….I would absolutely love a copy in English, as much as staring at a German copy would be nice. 😉 So yes, please pick me!!! *Just throwing that out there!*

  582. Yes! English please. But if you send the German one, I’ll give it to my friend’s aunt, who could use some laughter.

  583. I bought the kindle version but OMFG DEUTSCH JA BITTE ICH LIEBE DICH. Please

    Also I drank a lot and my hockey team lost so make me feel better please. DANKE!

  584. Congrats! I’d love the German copy, but I’d much rather have a twitter shout out for the Make a Wish Foundation Fundraiser I’m supporting!

  585. This book made me laugh harder than I have in a loooooong time, and I have told everyone who needed a book suggestion to read it too. I was unwilling to part with my copy…. Does that make me too selfish? Anyway, people bought more books because of my selfishness. That’s how I’m looking at it. 🙂 Anywhoo, I would love a paperback book in english, so I can read the extra parts. Reading about someone else who struggles with anxiety is so awesome, I don’t feel entirely alone in my struggle now. Thank you, really.

  586. Ich liebe du! in a no homo way so i dont care which i have if you pick me but please give me the english copy

  589. I’d love a copy of the paperback (in English) which I would really love to purchase but, alas, I’ve been looking for a job since July and bookstores sortve like money in exchange for their books… they’re funny that way.

    And if you could get your cats to pawprint it, so much the better.

    Ultimately, it’d be awesome if we could have wine slushees together some time, I mean, I live in Texas so it’s not totally out of the question (don’t crush my dreams…) and we’ve already met once (briefly, on your last tour… I gave you necklaces… an unfortunate choice in light of you revealing at that particular reading that you didn’t really LIKE jewelry… but I swear I didn’t know that when I bought the necklaces). Anyhoo…you’re awesome and you make me smile pretty much daily. Thank you!

  590. Would love a copy of your book, I devoured it when I borrowed it from the library, i was laughing so hard, and it started on the first page. Hope you write another, I love your website too.

  591. Omg, I have your book in English (and also a Beyonce which my husband gave me when I was having a rough week – he left it on our doorstep complete with a knock knock, motherfucker sign around its neck), BUT I am actually from Germany and would love nothing more than a German copy of your book. Cause I could read it! Only it’s probably not nearly as funny in German – humor doesn’t tend to translate well into my native language. We are not a funny people.

  592. Pick me!!! Piiick meee!!!
    In english if you please. And I have no problem believing your book is on the NYT list still. A better question would be how could it NOT still be there?

  593. I would have to go for the English version. I want to understand the funny. 🙂

  594. Hi Jenny!
    If I remember correctly, I believe you said in a post someone sent you the German version of your book. I guess that’s it’s good that you’re giving it to someone who will have more use for the book. Oh, and I can’t read german so maybe I could have the english version? Thanks

    P.S. Not sure if you read my second email but it would be nice if i got a reply :). And it would be great to use the extra chapter for my school project.

  595. I already have it in e-book and hardback (and yes, I’ve read each!) But maybe I’m missing out on the bonus chapters in the paperback?? But I’m also trying to learn German, so a German copy might actually be neat… I’m torn, you pick!

  596. I would like the German version because I took first year university German. Which means I remember how to count to ten. Ok, five. But, I could send the book to my mother who grew up in Austria. She could read it to me over the phone, and then translate if into English, via her first language: slovenian. I think that the once all 3 translations happened, via my mother’svery literal mind, it would be an entirely different book than the one I took out from the library last year. Frankly, I’m really curious.
    Or I’d take the English. That’d be ok. And definitely easier for my mom to translate.

  597. Please, please! I want a German copy. My husband is German & I think his sister would really love you! If you are going to give a way books in German, shouldn’t they at least go to people who can read them?

  598. I’ll take a copy in German but would prefer English since my foreign language skills are rusty. I’m sure you’re funny in any language.

  600. If you give me an English copy, I will read parts of it to my inner city middle school students…if you give me the Deutsch one, I will read it to inner city crack addicted squirrels.

  602. An English one would be totally amazing!!! But….either version would really make my day!!

    I read your book during the darkest time of my postpartum depression, and being able to have something to make me laugh helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Since then, I’ve bought copies for all my friends when they’ve needed something to help them through their rough patches.

  603. I would take a signed copy in either language, although I would only be able to read the english and Iwould love to reread the psycho behind the bathdoom door.

  604. I’m probably way too late to the game on this one, but I’ll try anyway. Could I PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE have an english copy? I’m on disability so I don’t have much spare money, so I haven’t been able to get it myself yet. I had it on my xmas list for the husband, but he left 10 days before xmas, so, no book for me. While I’m at it, I just want to tell you that dealing with severe depression, I can really understand some of the things you deal with and seeing you deal with things with so much humor and quirkiness really inspires me. You are made of awesome. <3

  605. German version, please! Because … well, because I don’t currently have enough autographed copies of your book in German, that’s why.

  606. English please! And with a picture of the book holding a piece of twine. 😉

  607. Oh I’d totally love a book in either language! I can’t read German but really I’d be excited to have it. My high school roommate said German was harder than English so I never did take it up but the insane compound words are epic! English would be cool to read and share with my ninja co-workers (No really, I work in a dojo!)

  609. What a coincidence. I have to learn how to read German this summer for my grad program. So maybe having your book in German would give me added incentive to learn it. Because if you sent me one, I’d feel guilty if I didn’t read it, but the only way I could read it is if I actually learned German like I’m supposed to, so then by getting your book, you would be inadvertently assisting me in my graduate career, and then when I graduate with my PhD I could say that the Bloggess herself helped me to get my degree, and you’d be famous — er, that is, even more famous than how wickedly famous you are now — and I’d bring that pink German book with me in the graduation ceremony as I walked because it saved my academic career. Yes, THAT is why I’d like your German book. And why it would benefit the both of us. I learn German; your book will graduate alongside me. Win. Win.

  610. I loved your book in English. I’m sure it would rock in German too. Send me the German copy & then come on over to my house & we can make my husband read it to us. It would be really funny, especially after a few drinks!

  611. Ok, so first off, after reading your “re-runs”, as soon as I have some extra money, I am SO ordering the “Cocaine for Kittens” postcards. They are just too awesome to be ignored. I already have plans for sending them out. 🙂

    Yes, I know I’m evil.

    As for the book, it’s a hard decision to choose the language. Having the German version would be supremely fantastically awesome. I could brag to all my Bloggess loving friends, and watch them squirm with envy. But, I also really want the paperback version. However, I can always just go BUY the paperback version.

    So, I choose the German version. And I can read and speak a teeny tiny bit of German. Please pick me so I can make my friends jealous. Pretty Please 🙂

  612. Look, my book club picked your book this month. I’d be the raddest bookclubber if I got a signed copy (English, please). I am the oldest bookclubber (these gals range from just 6 years younger or so down to being like 18 years younger than I) & I really need to show how “cool” & “with-it” I am, dammit!!! Help this 40-something mother of a preschooler. Please??????

  614. So I’m teaching at a new school, and your book became the basis of a friendship with the two amazing ladies in our school library. We’ve had to repeatedly shush OURSELVES laughing ourselves to tears. I bought the e-Book, but I am going to buy the paperback to keep the love flowing by foisting it on everyone I know.
    Also, I kinda read German.
    Mostly I just want you to get back from this leg of the tour intact with no further hospital stops for anyone in your posse.

  615. I already have your book (your welcome), but would love another copy as my big sister stole mine and frankly she still scares me. Here’s hoping!

  617. Also, for reference, one should not quote Beyonce where one’s new principal can hear you greeting your new librarian friends. Knock, knock, motherfucker, is probably over the line in a junior high library.

  618. Though my son’s middle name is Fritz, I do not know how to say, “Give me the book!” in German. I can only say “Das Boat” and “Weinerschnitzle”, so I guess I should get the English copy.

  619. I always put a comment to ask for a book and it never works but hey, someone has to win! I would love an english copy of the book!

  620. As my 2-year old would say, “that’s mine.” And miraculously, whatever it is, is hers (in her head anyway). Including buses. She loves buses. So that paperback book, in English, please – that’s mine!!!!

  621. Since thanks to you I now have a thing for taxidermied animal heads, especially ones wearing blusher, a wig, or a mustache (or possibly all three), the least you could do is send me an autographed copy of your fabulous book! And maybe throw in a primer on how to pick out quality dead animals if you’re not too busy. 😀

  622. I bought your book this weekend and am almost finished with it. It is the FUNNIEST book I have ever read in my life!!!! I’m constantly laughing out loud … on the bus, in the cafeteria, anywhere I happen to be reading it. I was sitting on our patio screaming with laughter and my husband ran out asking me if I was ok. You MUST come to Los Angeles … you have to sign my book. I think you are brilliant and I totally get you. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your amazing, hysterical blog and your wonderful, hilarious book!
    XOXO
    Debbie

  623. as i am oFten told, you get what you get and you dont get upset! But id totally love tge English copy!

  624. Yay for still being on the NYT list. My german isn’t good enough to read an entire book in it so english it is. 🙂

  625. I would love a paperback book so I can read the extra chapter! I’ve already lent my copy of the hardcover out to several people, so that way i’d also have a backup! Yay!

  626. An autographed copy of your book in English instead of a box full of eyeless faces? Why do I feel like this is the EXACT opposite of what you would normally do? Because you would totally be the one person to send someone a box full of eyeless faces. Doll faces, I mean. Not human faces. I don’t know if you even have a box full of human faces. Honestly I don’t even know why I felt the need to explain this.
    An autograph copy of your book would be more awesome than receiving a medal. A booze filled medal. Which is saying a lot. Basically I’m saying your book is better than a medal filled with booze. You’re welcome.

  627. I can read German and what I don’t remember from 4 years of German class I can Google. Or ask my friend who is German to translate it. Or read it to me. We can eat stollen and drink beer..best ideal ever!

  628. If I could read German that’d be pretty awesome. But I can’t 🙁 So English version please??

  630. I can sing silent night in german(don’t ask why). Does that count? Anyway, I’d like the English version PLEASE!!!

  631. I CAN READ (and speak) GERMAN!!!!! And I think it would be totally cool to add it to my signed audio and paperback. If I get one could you add “Bitte ess keinen Schnitzel!” (“Don’t eat schnitzel!”) to the inscription in honor of your Hamlet Von Schnitzel? Danke! (Thanks!)

  632. Ooooooooooooooo! I would love to have the one in German. That would give me the incentive I need to learn the language. 🙂 Plus I could harass my friend’s husband with all the translations. (She imported him from Germany.)

  633. While I would consider it a treasure no matter the language, English would be prefered. Also, then I could pass on my copy to my girl friend who totally loves you. Well, ok.. it would be more like a great replacement for the copy she has refuse to return because she refuses to give mine back. Something about “not done reading it.” Whatever… took me a day. Not my fault she reads slow. Pshaw!

  634. I would very much appreciate a German copy of your book because that cover is pretty snazzy and I’ve always wanted to learn German. One of those two statements is true.

  635. I would love to come if I lived anywhere near any of those places! You are the best, and in the unlikely event you choose me, I’d prefer the English version, because I am not smarter than you.

  636. I would love a signed copy in either language please. <3 I love your stories Jenny please keep writing for us. <3

  638. I absolutely love your book and have urged all of my friends to read it. I wish your book tour brought you to Las Vegas but maybe it’s not ready for so much awesome. I’d love the German version if you pick me.

  639. I work with the best guy in the world doing a job I love. We make each other laugh all day long. We work (recording voice overs; some audiobooks, some training courses, some full book productions for ACX) out of his home studio. He’s a stay at home Dad so the cherry on top of my day is that I get to have lunch with his 18 month old son and the sitter. We make silly faces, clap, sing “Mahna Mahna,” try to say “banana,” and rock out in the kitchen with him as the DJ. This kid’s wonderful Mom was an Air Force brat and consequently is fluent in German. I know she would love this book!! You absolutely delight me and make me laugh till I pee (well, just that one time) so I want everyone to share in your brilliantly human sense of humor.

    PS – in the studio there is a Weenie puppet (aka Stuffed hot dog with arms and legs) on a stick that looks over my shoulder all day long. I’m conspiring with his wife to make it a puffy coat “bun” and a ketchup/mustard/relish sweater 🙂

  641. I would love to have the English version, I cant afford bail money for kidnapping someone who speaks german, just so they could read me a bed time story….though its quite tempting, and my inmate might even speak german….can I have books in prison?

  645. Since I have it already, I would have to give it as a present to a friend and pay your hilarious tales forward to the world… the English version would very much do, bitte… and if you could sign it with “that’s one awesome friend you got there!”, that would give a more specific twist. Demanding? Me? Aber nein! Danke Shön for considering!

  646. I would love to have the German one, so that my bookcase can look more sophisticated.

  649. Oooh, German, please – I want to read more about the Night War. Also, my dad lives in Vermont, in case you don’t ship to Canada. He’s 96. And he can read German.

  651. I swoon at the idea of having words that were hand written by you. Please count me in for an English version! Because my eyeballs can’t even see German letters. Not that I’d ever win with the amount of fans you have entering but you never know… 🙂 Thank you for the chance though. Also for everything. That’s right. Everything.

  653. I’d like an autographed audio book, because it would make me feel unique. Also, I heard you sing the titles of the chapters and that is amazing and I need to hear you sing the word “Vagina.”

    …that sounded much creepier than it was intended.

  654. And english copy, for a Canadian fan! Love your book. It may me realize theres people out there whom I quite like lol!

  655. I would love a copy, In English , or German. Or Japanese if you got it! 🙂 Will see you on Wednesday! *stalk stalk stalk*

  656. I would love one (the English version, please!) You’re going to be my neck of the woods next week– you should just come by my office and drop it off, and then we’ll have lunch!

  659. If I win I would love to read the new chapter I. The paperback version in English 🙂

  661. Me! Pick me!!! Pretty please!! I don’t read German, so I would prefer English….however, I have a friend who reads German, so if you don’t have enough people picking German, you can pick me and I will have the best birthday gift my friend will get!! Bonus, everyone wins!!! Yay!

  662. 647 comments or so….but I still have a chance 🙂 I’d love an autographed copy…I would prefer the english version though as I quit german class halfway through the first semester 😀

  664. English copy! And I’d love to see a picture of the eyeless faces in a box. But I’d probably look at with my fingers over my eyes, peeking through curiously, but nonetheless grossed out.

  665. Would love to have your book – in English please – want to enjoy every word!

  667. I totally want the German copy even though I can’t read German because I’m weird like that.

  668. English paperback copy as gift for my sister….she loaned hers away before she ever read it.

  669. As awesome as it would be to have a German copy of your book I think it would also be a reminder that I can’t speak another language. So English it is i guess

  670. I would love the German copy! Our oldest son (16) is taking German in high school and would love to have his own copy! Mainly because I am selfish and wont let him read it on my kindle. Seriously, who can give up their kindle for that long? No, it has NOTHING to do with the fact there may or may not be fifty shades of something on there…seriously.

  671. I have a signed hardback copy, I was at the book signing in Seattle (the one at the book store, not the Costco one, wanted to go, but work :/) You were so super nice, I was waiting outside awkwardly for my ride when the event ended. Just in case you’ve been agonizing over it for months, I made it home and didn’t get stabbed, woo! Would love the paper back just for the extra stuff (in English, I didn’t even take high school German)

  672. I gotta buncha eyes in a box, so really, I think it’d be better all round if you passed over the faces. We can Skype on the details “Whaddaya mean that face shouldn’t have 6 eyes that spontaneously weep blood? It’s easter you godless freak!”

  673. I have a box of eyes, so prolly best if you just send over the faces. We can Skype the details “Whaddaya mean this lil baby rabbit face shouldn’t have 6 eyes that spontaneously weep blood? It’s easter, you heathen!”

  675. I have the kindle edition but you know what? I’d totally rock a German edition! Don’t look at me like that, I have my reasons!

  676. Loved the book. Laughed my ass off reading it. Drove all my friends mad reading parts out loud to them. My HR friends said to tell you thank you for the penis email chapter. Who knew that was such a popular male pastime. Thanks. Peggy

  677. 1. You’re gorgeous and I heart your glasses
    B. I would trade you a handknit hat for a copy of your book.

  678. I bought a copy of your book in hardback from Books a Million and my ex threw it away when I broke up with him!
    I’d love another copy.

  679. No matter what kind of day I’ve had, you’re always able to make it better with a post. Thank you for being you.

    I have the hardback copy of the book, but I’d love a copy of the paperback so I can read the new chapter. (And, while I am part German, I am unable to read or speak anything that is not on the inside of a car or printer. Achtung.)

  680. well, my MA in German Studies is probably only good for TWO things, then:
    1) singing “99 Luftballons” at karaoke and impressing some drunk people
    2) reading the german edition of your book.

    but, y’know, whatever.
    how come every time you’re in arizona i’m somewhere else? not that phoenix is close to tucson, even. the train doesn’t even go there.
    but OUR ostriches are halfway in between the two cities. so maybe you don’t want to head south from phoenix. OSTRICHES.

  681. Please! I would love a new signed book. I came to one of your signings in CA for the hard back and got my book signed then, a friend was desperate to read it so I loaned it to her and she left it down where her child could get to it with a pen….

  682. I love your book & would be so thrilled to have an autographed copy of it, preferably in English so I can read it. Though, if you send me a German one, it might motivate me to learn to read German.

    If you aren’t willing to send a box of eyeless faces, how about a box of the eyes? That would be a nice consolation prize.

  683. I was lucky enough to get an autographed copy in person when you were in Louisville (you loved my hair, remember?), so I don’t need any copies of the book. You can give the copies to someone in need, unless you are willing to give an afternoon of being your BFF and whatever mischief we can accomplish, then i’m in!

  684. I would totally love a copy! In English or German. Doesn’t really matter. As long as its autigraphed, since i cant get to meet you in person. Although i suppose English would be more inclined to read it if i didn’t have to learn German first. But i could always pretend i already do, and so maybe it would make me look smarter. Now my head hurts. Lol

  685. I am German and I already bought an English copy only to give it to my sister (yes, that much of a sacrifice) and I’d love to have an autographed German copy (for myself or a friend in the US).
    I’m wondering why the title translates to “This is not true, is it?” and they chose an illustration over the brilliant photography.

  687. While i have the hardbck first release and i would love to see the extra chapters… Now all i want is the box of eyeless faces. If a person won… Would you least slide one or two eyeless face drawings in a n envelope? They say sharing is caring, yo.

  688. Also my cat is an asshole and was teabagging my head at the time so i forgot to add i would like the English version.

  689. http://i.imgur.com/p1CQ3Xh.jpg I just came across this and thought of you.

    I would LOVE a copy in english because you are one of my favourite people on the planet.

    Come and sign some books in Australia! Go on, I will buy you a coffee…or a tea..or a gerbil..whatever you like really.

  691. I would LOVE to have an autographed copy of your book! Um. In English. My husband can read some German but I don’t think it would go over well forcing him to read me your book in bed…or maybe it will.

  692. Since I already have the English, I’d like it in German, so I can use it to learn German. Best. Textbook. Ever.

  694. I’d be super happy with either, but would _love_ a German copy! Because frankly, the answers to the what-is-that-questions will be so much better.

  695. I would totally love a copy in English, but I’m tempted to ask for the German one, since I would love to see my friend who speaks German try to understand the references to taxidermy. How does one say taxidermy in German?

  696. Oh, I would so love an autographed copy! Pretty please? But it should be in English because I’m pretty sure the German copy you are holding in the picture is titled “What is That Smell?” Or maybe not. I don’t read German.

  697. i’d love the german version. of course i don’t read german. or speak it. but i took it in high school. 3 years. messer. that’s knife. i think. i also know the spanish word for butter because we had a venezualan exchange student stay with us when i was in 9th grade. and it stuck. but i won’t write it here because i am not sure how to spell it. if i just knew the french word for toast i could have breakfast in the eurozone.
    but i digress. as usual.

  698. While I would love to learn German to read your book… Languages are not something I am good at! So if you pick this as the winning comment I would prefer English please! Keep doing what you’re doing, you are amazing!!

  699. I’d love a signed English copy, please. I’ve read the HC, but I feel something’s missing in my life until I read the bonus material. Also, it’d be a nice feather in my cap to Lord over my friends, you know, a la “Yes, yes, that’s very exciting about the new baby but -I- have a signed copy of the Blogess’s book!” Really, I could be Queen for a day. Or a month. Or a year.

  702. I have a friend who was a German major in college– this would be the best gift ever!

  704. Me, me, me. In English please. Purty please?

    I really want to be licked by a giraffe. I was once 3 minutes too late to do so. Also the story of my life.

    But I have been pulled into the ocean by a giant sea turtle. Does that count at all?

  705. I would absolutely love to have a copy of this book in English. The first time I found your page was reading about Beyonce the chicken and I have been hooked ever since.

  706. I’m a stalker, not a poster, and I love reading your blog. Please, please….and English copy for me?

  708. Dude, “PLEASE COME” right back atcha! I live in Connecticut and authors never bother to visit bookstores in CT; they go to NYC and Boston and ignore the vast stretch of heavily-populated land in between (we only look under-populated because we’re stuck between two mega-cities).

    If you come to CT, I’ll be there. We have some lovely, big malls: the Danbury Fair mall and West Farms mall are the two biggest, I think. The Stamford Town Center mall is very close to NYC, but a lot easier for CT people to get to (getting into NYC for CT people can be a real pain, don’t even think about driving there.)

  709. I picked up a copy of the German version while I was in Berlin last week. It’s just as funny as the English!

  710. I would LOVE a german copy. That way I could sit around and pretend that I can read german, and everyone would think I am smarter than I really am. 🙂

  711. No sprichen ze Deutsch! PLEASE pick me for the English copy! (I already own the hardback, but would love to get the paperback for freebies, for realsies).

    Love you, Jenny!

  712. Ohhh yes please! I would love an Australian copy, but I guess an American would be ok too, I can just pencil in some u’s after the o’s and put double ended arrows over the er’s to make them re’s. Or just an English one and I’ll live dangerously… ;D have a great last leg of your tour!

  713. Oooh! I would LOVE an autographed German copy! I have the English (hardback and paperback because who can pass up extras?), so German would be great! Because German is naturally funny anyway and because Ich liebe dich!!!

  715. I’d love a copy of the book! English, German, Braille, whatever. I’m not proud. However I am illiterate in anything that isn’t English, so maybe let’s go with the English version.

  716. I don’t mind a copy in German; you can bring it to the book signing in San Jose for me 😉

  717. I have the Kindle and paperback so I would love the German copy. My chihuahua just died so seriously, I need a pick me up.

  721. I know German and would LOVE to read your book in German! I have the English copy as an E-book and the nerd in me loves seeing how others translate things, especially jokes, since I think those are sometimes hardest to translate. I just passed a big big big oral test in German (with a better rating than I needed for my teaching certification) and this would be the best “you did it!” present ever 😀

  722. English, please! And I wish SO BADLY that you were coming to Southern California! Have a great last leg.

  723. As amusing as the German title sounds, the rest of the book would utterly confound me. If I should be so lucky as to win, I’d like the English version please. Thank you.

  724. I would love to have an autographed (English!) copy of your book! I came to see you in Paramus and was awestruck by your coolness. I was also upset you couldn’t autograph my book since I had read it on my kindle.

  725. I really want a German copy…but then I got overwhelmed by all the comments and realized I’d probably never win. 🙁

  726. Das ist Nicht Wahr, Oder? bitte.
    By which I mean please, and not that I am bitter.
    Unless I don’t get a German version of your book to keep my English version company.
    Oder.
    By which I mean or and not that you stink.
    Nicht Wahr?
    by which I mean, not true? and not that….well you get it it.

    or not.

    not enough sleep nor enough German in High School.

  727. Haben (meine Freundin und ich) – translation follows after me. Haha, – joke -, no, I mean, just look below the german words – dein Buch heute in einem Buchladen gefunden und Tränen gelacht – vor Ort, was für die Umstehenden vielleicht etwas seltsam anmutete. Meine Freundin hat dann das Original mitgenommen. Da meine Angst, der englischen Sprache nicht ausreichend mächtig zu sein, zu groß war, … Naja, um es kurz zu machen: ich würde gern Zuhause laut über den Inhalt deines Buches lachen – und nicht umgeben von … so vielen … Menschen. Und nun habe ich hier gesehen, dass du Exemplare des Buches auch auf Deutsch quasi aus deiner Gefangenschaft in die Hände bettelnder Leser gibst. Und: ich hätte gern eins davon. Das wäre grandios! Danke.

    Just found (my girlfriend and I) your book in a bookstore today, started to read it until we cried with laughter – in this store, which might have been weird for all the other customers. My girlfriend just bought the original version. Because there’s this “anxiety disorder” that I won’t be able to understand every joke and hint in English … Long story short: I’d love to be able to laugh out loud about the content of your book at home – and not be surrounded by so … many people. And now, I found out, that you give away German editions of your book, from the imprisonment of your shelves into the loving hands of begging readers. And: I’d like to have one of these. This would be amazing!! Thanks.

  728. I am so torn. I want to be able to read the book but how awesome would it be to have a German book! If picked I’ll let you decide what to send me 🙂

  729. I’m far far away , in Scotland, so you don’t really have to send to me. I would take either. Your blog is a little piece of home for me so I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your work. I bought your book in hard back, pre-order, so I’ve already read it, but I passed my copy to a friend I knew would love it, but couldn’t buy it. Thanks for being awesome and a little piece of home.

    Hugs!
    Kari ( former Houstonian, inner loop of course, now an expat)

  730. OMG I would love a German copy! I could in fact totally read it but more than that I’m in love with the punk furry looking cover.

  732. I would love a German copy so it can make friends with my English copy.
    Happy Easter to you, Jenny. Thanks for brightening my blog-reading life.
    Barb in Minnesota

  733. I would love a German copy to give my daughter who reads German (or so she says. Since I don’t, I can only assume she is actually reading the books & not staring at the words wondering what they mean).

  734. I want the German copy! I have this thing about having different versions of books, and that would be SO freaking cool!

  736. Too bad you can’t come closer to Sacramento! It would be awesome to not have to drive 2+ hours to see someone so awesome!

  739. I would feel that my library is complete with a signed copy of your book! German or english(note to self…learn German)

  740. English copy please, I need to let my cat read it so he understands the truth about taxidermy. when he claws the furniture, I threaten to stuff him, so I feel that it is a valuable use of his nap time to read up on it.

  742. Well who needs a book in English when you can have it in German? I can totally read like 5 German phrases, I’m practically fluent.

  744. Please, oh please!? With a cherry (or amazingly dressed taxidermed animal) on top! English please!

  745. Well, as per usual, I’m a day late and a dollar short, but I would *love* a copy in German. I read and speak enough to be dangerous and since I’ve already read it in English, I can impress people by displaying the German version. They’ll think I’m all smart and stuff. Thanks to you!

  746. hope to see you in PHX, then you can deliver it to me in person. or something. or not. a guy can hope, can’t he?

  747. I’m learning German, so I am up for the challenge. Ich möchte das Deutsch Buch, bitte. 🙂

  748. OMG! I think it took 11 minutes to scroll to the bottom of these comments! I will trade my Dutch copy of Infertility for Dummies for your German book.
    PS: I live in the house that the Infertility for Dummies author lived in over 6 years ago. We receive 2 copies of every new language it is published in. I donate them to Goodwill.

  750. I would LOVE to have a copy in English! Every time you are in the St. Louis area I get sent outta town! I think its a conspiracy!!

  751. A Japanese audio book would be amazing, but English would do just fine. I love your blog and have been meaning to purchase your book but monies have been tight 🙂

  754. I would love the English copy so I can read that bonus chapter… I have the original digital copy on my Kindle. The German copy would be all kinds of awesome, except that I don’t read German…. So the book wouldn’t really get read. And then I’d feel bad because it would be like the book was getting neglected, plus I still wouldn’t get to read the bonus chapter included in the paperback edition… So while the German copy would look awesome and confusing on my book shelf, I’d feel bad for never reading it.

  756. 751! WOOHOO!
    Alas, I am not “woohooing” at all…
    Good Friday my arse – *this* is what happens when you are given a day off.
    Your whole schedule of checking The Bloggess each morning for midnight entries gets put out of whack and you miss the chance of getting a comment in somewhere before she stops reading them altogether; I’d like to think about comment 50 or so (which is a whopping 701 before this one).

    In any event, since I have ‘The Neverending Story’ in both English and German (long story – don’t ask), and
    I have ‘Let’s Pretend This Never Happened’ in English (and the audio book), I’ll put my name in The Hat of Randomness for the German version* to complete the set. Well it makes sense to me…

    *Or any version you deem worthy to cross the ocean to Oz really.

  757. I would love a copy in English, if you pick me! I wish I could come to your San Francisco or San Jose signings, but I won’t be able to leave work early enough to get there! (I live/work in Sacramento.) Good luck on the rest of your signings! I’m so excited for you!

  758. Oh holy hell, pretty please! I have wanted your book since the hardback cane out, but being a military family unfortunately other stuff has to come first. Like food. Or protective gear. Frankly I think he’s a whiner but what can you do? Lol. And congrats on the NYT! !

  760. ALSO I’M GOING TO BE AT THE MARINA. It’s on April Fools Day, which already makes me concerned, and I would feel better if I had an autographed book in hand. Besides, then you can DOUBLE SIGN IT. AND you don’t have to pay for postage, you can just hand it to me.

    I really think I’m the best candidate here.

  761. I’m inadequate enough in English, no need to add another language I should speak fluently but don’t to the library!

  762. Well, what I really want is to take you out for a good panini and a beer, and just let you entertain me for a measeley <—-jeeze, that looks weird to me, $15 lunch investment. I have the English version, (which I will probably refuse to loan out, let people snort coffee on their OWN copy!) so German would be awesome, especially if you sign it in German with lots of exclamation points, like you were completely pissed off when you signed it. So, dah. German.

  763. As long as you let me be in the Unicorn Success Club I should happy to be alive, right? Nothing extra needed? Extra would be nice, though.

  765. Jenny! I was a German major in college. I now work for Weight Watchers. Those two things are completely unrelated, because it was hella dumb of me to expect to get a job that uses my GERMAN MAJOR. You should pretty please give me that German copy so that my degree won’t have been *completely* useless. Please please please?

  766. I’m first generation Canadian and I’d LOVE the German copy. I’d read it to my mom 🙂

  767. I’ve never asked a stranger online for anything, but I would like a German copy of your book. My brother lived in Germany for a time in the 80’s (photos are p-r-I-c-e-l-e-s-s), and now the only time he speaks Greman is when he’s all drunk. He still won’t sing 99 Luft Balloons no matter how much we beg. But I am pretty sure he will read this outloud… and probably blow beer bubbles out his nose as he does. If you send me a German copy I will have him autograph a photo of himself and write something German-riffic to you.

  768. I would love a copy in German even though I can’t read it. Someday, when someone I don’t know yet from Germany comes to stay at our house I will be able to make them feel more welcomed by offering your book to them as a reading selection in our guest room. They will feel so loved.

    Also, I am definitely coming to see you either in San Francisco, San Jose, or maybe both 🙂

  769. I loved reading the book, unfortunately I was reading it while healing from having a c-section.
    I almost busted a few stitches from laughing.
    I would really like to have a signed English copy. Please!!!!!

  770. But of box of eyeless faces sounds wonderful! (please note this post was not left in German 😉

  771. I would like an autographed English copy of your book, as well as some ground unicorn horn. I betcha it would make you fly if you snorted it.

  773. I would like to win an English copy – however, only if you are willing to ship internationally (Denmark).

  774. Personally, I’ve been looking for a copy in pig latin. And I’ll let you keep the box of eyeless faces. I only enjoy looking at dead things on your blog, not in real life. 😉

  778. In the process of reading it now so either version will do. I already have the e-version! 🙂

  780. I would love a copy of your book in either language. I would have to look up a lot of words, but at least it would probably improve my German…

  781. Okay, I’m a little bit of a smartypants – I’d take a German one, because that might actually get me to keep up with my dwindling German skills.
    Plus, I *really* want to be able to read the Beyoncé story in German. Preferably loudly, on the bus or in public to people who probably don’t know German, It would be awesome. 😀

  782. I would love an English copy. And don’t worry, I don’t need a box of eyeless faces as I already have a box of Farrah Fawcett heads to keep me company.

  783. I would love copies in BOTH languages, because, I’m greedy. But also I can actually read German, and it’s hilarious to see how they translate things sometimes (although it’s best in movies that are dubbed, obviously, except when the jokes aren’t funny anymore).

    Plus, who doesn’t want German books shouting at you, since everyone knows German is a shouty language.

  784. Hi I’d love an English version….if you post to Australia? 6 weeks until I give birth and I might need the laughter to help me along! In fact, I could then state that Jenny Lawson helped deliver our baby. Cross that one off your bucket list too. My partner lives with a group of acronyms too like BDD, OCD and he-who-refuses-to-be-acronymed paralytic social anxiety. He’s worried about the impact hell have on our baby…I talk about you. He says he might no be able to do everything he needs to as a dad- I talk about your decision not to go backstage after the concert because you love your family. He worries he’ll pass on his illnesses- I say if our daughter is anything like Jenny Lawson then that will be a complete blessing. We’re both weird anyway. After all this, what won him over to you? The fact you have a mustachioed bobcat.

  785. English Copy please!! I have be dying to read your book 🙂 <3

  787. Pick me please. And you can send me the German version. I’ll learn German just so I can read it.

  788. so i totally just bought your book like umm yesterday and i couldnt find it in the barnes and noble and i got very sad. my husband had to go to the bathroom and while i was waiting what did i run into a huge display of your book. yay!!! im almost done reading it and i dont want it to end! you are so funny i wish you lived close to me we would be best friends!

  790. My nook says im the 777 comment. That seems damn lucky except my nook is a liar much like my bathroom scale alarm clock. And while typing this its on a seven second delay so im figurijg out my typos way late and a bottle deep into wine so cant navigate back to fix them. Eityer version would be awesome.

  791. German. I want the cover that looks like Dracula mouse on a background of pink fur. The English is more practical for me, but the German’s decidedly stranger.

  792. A German copy would be cool. You’re going to be in San Francisco just in time for the St. Stupid’s Day Parade.

  793. Hi,
    I actually am German which makes me a serious contender for the German copy, don’t you think?

  795. My friend Charlotte, who will be visiting with you in San Jose on Wednesday, can totally read German (she’s working on her graduate degree in Children’s Literature and to read Grimm you must know German!) She already has your book in English, but I’d love to give her a copy she could lord over us since none of us could read it 😛

    Hugs;

    D

  796. I totally want a copy in Germany! I have the English version, but I read German and love to mess with my husband when I leave German books lying around. He gets very confused when he steals my books 🙂

  799. If you have one in Pig Latin or Izzle, that would be oovygray or groovy. (Apparently “groovy” translates to “groovy” in Izzle, which is rather disappointing actually. Thanks, Gizoogle.) Otherwise, English will do just fine.

  802. Germany please! TI’m trying to co convince my Taiwanese friend to move here from Germany I want to bribe her with your amazing book that I’ve already bought 2 copies of in English. you’re welcome.

  803. English, please! I wish I could come up with something witty but I am no competition!

  804. I humbly request an English copy of your book if you pick me… I can’t read German. I have a few friends who are German, they could translate, but that would take forever and inconvenience them, then I’d owe them a favor, so I’d really just like an English copy! K, thanks!

  805. An English version of your book would make my day. really. maybe make my day for an entire week. because I am tired of waking up each day to a day that sucks.

  806. Thanks for the giveaway, Jenny! I loved your book (kindle version) and would love a copy in English to give to my other sister (already bought a copy for my oldest sister) 😀

  807. I would love a copy of the English paperback edition!!
    P.S. the book is still on the NYT list because you are just that awesome.

  808. I would LOVE a copy of the English version. Congrats on all your success. Your book has helped me through a very difficult time. I don’t own an copy and would lobe to laugh until i cry reading it!! love your book and blog, you inspire me.

  809. I would LOVE a signed German copy of your book. And I would even record myself reading it in German and send it to you and you could impress your friends and loved ones with your mastery of two different languages.

  810. I would love an autographed copy of anything you would like to give me. . . . preferably something you wrote. But any language is acceptable. Thanks and can’t wait for your next book!!

  812. I would love an English copy of the book! I’ve been dying to get it ever since I read my friends copy and I would love to read the new stuff in there!

  813. I already have a copy in English that I LOVE and am telling everyone I know to read it. If I had a copy in German I would look pretty damn smart. Also the mouse on the German cover looks cool.

  814. I would write this comment in German but I don’t want to be rude. Also, I don’t know German. Which means, I’d take the English book, though really I’m not picky. Sprechen Sie something?

  817. I have your last book in hardcover – I loved it so much! Now I need your new one just to make my life complete (or my book fetish…or the desperate need-to-know-what’s-in-the-new-chapter…or all of the above. Pick one!)

  818. German please! My aunts German friends are in the states this month and they’ll think we are wonderful people for giving them something to read.

  819. I would love a copy in English so I can read it, my german is not so great.

  820. English would be better for my actual ability to read it…. But German would be a good conversation piece….. Dealer’s choice 🙂

  821. I would love this. I suppose it’d probably be best to get in English, so I can actually read it. Although…I am part German, so maybe I should learn the language.

  822. I would love the English version! It’s been on my Amazon wish list for ages and nobody is taking the hint.

  824. My husband bought your book an the first chapter alone almost made me pee myself, I was laughing that hard. And this was during a day when my depression was getting the best of me, so THANK YOU! Also, my friend can read German, does that count?

  825. Me, me, me!! Pick me! Pick me!

    Oh man, it’s junior high gym class all over again…

    English, please. I’m not that smart and honestly don’t want to have to work that hard.

  827. I am adding my name in the running. English is my only language, however if you gave me a german version I guess this chick will Deutsch sprechen, nur um das Buch zu lesen.

  828. You probably could have used this advice BEFORE YOUR TOUR:

    Signs you are about to have a less than quality lodging experience:
    The address of your hotel/motel/hostel/hovel is “Truck Stop Road”
    The lobby is smaller than your room. By half.
    There is a paper band on the toilet that says “Sanitized for your protection.” If you have to reassure me that the room is clean…….I’m not reassured.
    There are fewer rooms than you have fingers and toes.
    The maid leaves a note that says this (EXACTLY WRITTEN IN THIS WAY) ?“No towuls but here a lotta washcloth”
    They offer you a discount on your room because “The bloodstains aren’t completely gone yet” No discount for still having a chalk body outline.
    People knock on your doors at all hours of the night looking for their “Friends” Tina and Molly. And when you say you haven’t seen them they ask if they can borrow your shower.
    The hotel is so cheap they don’t even have a real closet, just a bar in the corner. And no real hangers, just those ones with the ball on the end that fit in a slot on the underside of the bar. How much can it cost to have a square hole in the wall, and to pay for hangers with a hook on the end?
    A sign in the room says maid service is “Weekly”. Apparently not THIS week. Or last.
    The only toiletry is a tiny hard bar of soap. Apparently this is “Greener than a bottle of shampoo, conditioner, body wash, lotion, exfoliant, and etc.”
    The desk clerk asks “Are you gonna be wanting sheets? I’ll need a deposit.”
    The sign in the lobby advertises a “Continental breakfast” but it would see the continent they are talking about is Africa, because Ethiopians would starve if all they were served was cups of stale off brand fruit loops. ?The sign outside says “Yes, we have working phones in each room!”
    The knotty pine paneling in the rooms is NOT intended to be ironic.
    There is no concierge or bellhop, but there is a bad tempered cat named Rufus.
    The desk clerk interrupts your check-in to look at a text, says “Bitch, please” under her breath, and then answers the text and this is apparently how its done here.
    There isn’t a pool, but there is a pool table in the parking lot out front of the lobby.
    The biker gang staying in the other six rooms look more cleancut than the hotel staff.
    The room service menu features “Relaxing sensual massage by Misty Rose. In fact that’s the only thing on the room service menu. and it’s more of a photocopied flyer.

    English. German. Swahili. Whatever. Just make sure you sign the book in the same language.

  829. <3 <3 <3 <3 I like making tiny hearts to tell you how much you mean to me.

  830. omg i want to win an english copy of the new version soooooo bad!!! I’m planning on seeing you in San Jose on Wednesday 🙂
    xoxo,
    Angelina

  831. Thank you for the chance! And congratulations on the book’s success.

  832. Wow! Jenny, you are going to the famous Eastridge Mall. Just Wow. If you look back in time, before the Internet was invented, before even you could watch racy videos in the privacy of your single wide, the Eastridge Mall was used as a location for the Robert Redford movie, The Candidate. The movie was about a group, of, ah, benefactors who would sponsor his campaign for Senator in California, but the thing is, he was running to lose. I won’t go into details, I’ll let you watch the movie in the privacy of your cat hostel.

    And, speaking of your book tour, there are bookstores you should be going to instead of the one at Eastridge Mall such as Kepler’s in Menlo Park, Book Shop Santa Cruz (Prius & hemp flip flops, required), Capitola Book Cafe (medical marijuana card required).

    I found out about your tour, and your writing, when the Mercury News columnist who supports graffiti through his “writing” give you a high five.

    When I went to Amazon, the Kindle version was only a penny less than the print version, kinda of silly economics.

    Will you self-publish your next book? It will allow you to reap in the bountiful rewards, though, you would have to hire your own stumbling public relations intern.

    If you need to eat while you are in San Jose, besides the 500 fine McDonlds we have, I recommend Original Joes – sit at the counter, no one has ever died from eating their food, as much as I can remember. Or, if you want to combine some California cuisine with neighborhoodness, I recommend, The Table, on Lincoln Ave in San Jose. It is in a San Jose neighborhood called, Willow Glen, where, if you listen closely, you will hear June Cleaver call out to the neighborhood for Beaver to come home, dinner is ready.

  833. Two days. That’s how long I’m going to miss you by. I’m going to be in one of those places for a nine day vacation. But your book tour would be two days ahead of when I’m even on the plane. That really just sucks.

    (Also, I wish I could read or speak German. I only know the curse words and a few non-curse words. By the way, the number eleven is “elf” and “gift” means poison.)

  834. I so enjoyed (?) the English version of your book and perhaps you’ve already announced the winners, but if not I’d love for you to consider giving a copy to my niece. She was named the “Best German-Speaking High School Student in North Dakota” (or something like that) when she was in 12th grade. She’s now finishing her PhD at Heidelberg University. I think she just might be able to make sense of your book.

  835. I would love a copy of the German version, and I would show it to people and say in a Kennedy-esque accent “ICK BIN EINE BLOGGESS” which means I would be impersonating both you and him in another language, then I would tell them “du darfst dich nicht berühren dem Affen von Justin Bieber”, which means you may not touch Justin Bieber’s monkey, which is totally true because the Germans put him in jail (the monkey, not Justin), even though he didn’t do anything. It might cheer him up if I read the book to him (the monkey, not Justin), but I think I’ll read him the English version off of my Kindle because he’s probably not really fond of Germans right now.

  836. Ich möchte das Deutsch Buch, bitte! Which I hope means that I want the German book. We are taxing my not-looking-it-up German skills here.

  837. German, please! I can’t read it, but I could totally use it like the puritans used the bible to learn to read English. Maybe?

  838. Me? Please? I really, really, really don’t want a box of eyeless faces, you can keep those, but I DO really really really want an autographed copy of your book. In english preferably, but I’d take german if that is the only option!

  839. I think a signed hard copy would be nice. I have a fancy classic hard back collection. This would be a perfect addition. thanks……

    P.s. this is a really ingenious way to get hundreds of emails…

  840. WANTIES!!! English…though German would, indeed, be hilarious, its words would be wasted on me.

  842. Did you all ready do the give away if not I would like to be entered for an english one please:)

  844. If you haven’t all ready given away your book I would like to be enetered and I would like an English one please:)

  846. I would love anything signed by you! YOU. ARE. AWESOME! I would treasure your signature ’til the end of time and beyond.

  848. Live in desert. (No camels ;). Not much entertainment ‘cept following your awesome blog with the family!!! 2nd request (plea) for copy of your book. The English version would likely be MUCH more fun, since 2 of us speak English and 1 (the cat), we think speaks Siamese.
    Kudos on your book being such a super & life changing success! Hope there will be many more in your future!!!
    P S Would LOVE a copy of the book in English or Siamese!!!

  849. Yes please. I just finished the English version of your book and there were a few times when I couldn’t breathe because I was laughing so hard. I read parts of the book (especially the first page) to my husband and even he laughed. I’ll send the German version to my girl in Germany so that she can also laugh her ass off. Seriously loved it!!!

  850. I just read you will be in Phoenix on April 4. I am now, and for the first time, officially sad I don’t live there anymore. Any word on when Florida is upcoming? It’s beautiful all the time, except for when there are giant mosquitoes and hurricanes. Which is only sometimes. I’ve said too much. If you’ll just come to Florida, I promise to make up for it. Alligator jerky? Stuffed snakes? We have that. Shit, this is turning into its own blog entry. Anyway, have fun in Phoenix. Bring sunscreen. And water. And an air conditioner.

  851. English please-I borrowed it from the library and after passing it around I eventually did have to return it and pay the late fee.

  852. German book, please! My live-in-lover speaks German and would love to read it! It will be a perfect companion piece to Der Steppenwolf, which he is currently reading.

  853. My friend Lisa told me I messed up by saying ‘box of eyeballs’ (above) instead of box of eyeless faces. But no. Because I figured you’d have the corresponding box of eyeballs to go with the box of eyeless faces. You know, like ‘do these shoes go with this purse?’ (Do these eyeballs go with this face?) Okay, I’m digging a very deep hole here. Think I’ll stop.

  854. I’m in the midst of gay hell — designing and building a home with a male partner who is color blind. I would love an autographed English copy of your new book, as I’ve been a fan since before Beyoncé and, frankly, could use a laugh right about, oh…yesterday! Thanks for making me laugh loud and often!

  855. I just discovered your blog yesterday and have been furiously reading the entire thing and laughing out loud to myself! I would love to read an English copy of your book!

  856. Hamlet Von Schnitzel somehow looks so much more threatening in German. BTW, I googled “Jenny Lawson’s mouse’s name” AND IT CAME UP. You have arrived.

    P.S. All I would want is one eensy-teensy comment on my blog.

  857. I would love a German copy of the book! I lived in Germany for a while and speak it moderately well, but could use some more practice! My vocabulary on taxidermy related topics is pretty non-existant, so I’m sure your book would help me learn!

  858. If you pick me? How about coming to chat with our book group ? I promise we would adore you and give you a few more stories to add to your blog…

  859. I am shocked! I just left Phoenix yesterday– I could have come to see you if you’d been one day earlier. But I don’t believe in coincidence, so apparently there’s something horrible in Phoenix God is protecting me from. Be careful, okay?

  860. Afrikaans is one of the many (11) official languages in South Africa, and since it is derived from German, I could possibly pick out and understand a few words from the German version of your book. Mostly I would just love a book signed personally by you, in any language at all:-)

  861. Would love the German version to give to my mom. She speaks and reads fluent German and is a huge fan of yours, as we all are!

  863. Dear Jenny,
    I would love a German copy! I loaned my English copy to my friend and the jag hasn’t returned it! So I would take my English one back and give her the German one! haha. lol

  864. I’d love an English copy! I’m German, but can only speak a few words. Mostly swears. Because that’s all anyone really wants to learn.

  865. I would love! love! love! A German copy! I was born and raised in Germany (air force brat), and when I tell people they assume I speak German, which I don’t! But, with the German version of your book…I can study the English version (which is the best book I’ve ever read!) and carry the German version around, fooling all my friends! In turn, making them laugh so hard, they will HAVE to go out and buy your book, In turn making me part of your marketing team! The fact that I’ve already planned this foolery should prove to you that 1. Your book is just that amazing! And 2. Yes! I’m just that crazy! Please may I have a German copy? I’ve already have everything worked out!!! Please and Thank you?

  866. Where’s the challenge in reading a book written in a language you understand?! Bring on the German copy!! Schnitzel!

  867. Is this still on?
    I’d love the German copy, even just to see if the translation is any good – if not, I’ll translate your next book FOR FREE! Now, if that isn’t an offer you can’t refuse…

  868. i could use the eyeballs for several extremely gross and probably illegal purposes,but i guess i will just have to collect my own.i have been chased by. giraffe though,and hugging a lion cub is also good if you can get the opportunity.Iguess it is easier here in South Africa,though.
    i love your blogs and would really enjoy a copy of your book in paperback or ebook for my Kindle,but a signed copy would be awesome and i would be happy to pay postage too,as I am not a U.S resident.i have a sister in Chicago,though.
    kudos for a great read every time i access your blog (-;
    jonathan

  870. I am sure I am entering this late, and that makes me a sad panda … but … OH PLEASE OH PLEASE! In German! I’d love a copy in German. It would make me Very. Pleased. Indeed. 🙂

  872. So, I just wanted to tell you something, and I don’t know where best to do that would be, but I’ll do it here. My boyfriend suffers from depression, and the other night he was having a really bad night. We’re long distance right now, and the only thing that can really help him is being distracted or having someone talk to him, so I called him and tried to keep talking to distract him, but I was running out of things to say, and so I turned to your book and read him three chapters until he could go to sleep. He made it through the night without self-harming thanks to you. Thank you.

  873. Just tought you might like to know we have 2 copies of the hardback in our library.

  874. ok.. so i totally got behind on your blog and just saw this now, and i am hitting myself.. literally, it makes typing kinda dificult. i’d not only love to have your book, i’d ESPECIALLY love it in GERMAN. i live in germany and run a café open to anyone from the city, homeless or not, any kinda addicts, mentally ill and students.. (ok, so alot of that overlaps..) and i’d love to have a copy there. 🙂 i think people would really relate. or find themselves more normal by comparison. either way it’s helping. plus i could garantee you free coffee for life at our café and always a stage if you happen to be in town.

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