Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Unless you win. Then it totally happened.

Today I got a box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs.  Except replace “vintage glass cow eyeballs” with “new copies of the UK version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“.

They’re very similar in that they are both fairly baffling and people can’t help but pick them up and wonder at them.  And also, you don’t actually need a whole box of them.  At most you can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs and then the rest just go to waste.  Ditto with a giant box of books.  That’s why I’m giving away several here this week (autographed books, not eyeballs).  All you have to do is leave a comment and you’re entered to win.

This copy includes the new chapter, which you might possibly be in. Please don't sue me.

What should you comment about?  Anything.  Your favorite toe.  The pet names of your body parts.  How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime.  The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.  It’s totally up to you.

Also, for some strange reason this bewildering memoir is still on the Indie Bestseller lists and the NYT bestseller list and I’m still getting emails from people who had never even heard of this blog but who stumbled over the book and are so thankful that they’ve finally found their tribe.  Thank you for being that tribe.  And thank you for letting me be a part of it.

4,084 replies. read them below or add one

  1. haven’t had a chance to read it yet, I’d love to win a copy!

  2. 2
    Jordan Mutnansky

    A free, autographed copy of your book would fantastic! Also, I will be sending a little something your way in the next few weeks. Thank you for entertaining me ALL THE TIME.

  3. I’m a relatively new tribe member although your book was on my recommended reading list long before I knew of the blog.

  4. My least favorite toe is the one I broke yesterday while moving.

    ilikebeerandbabies.com recently posted The Poop Stool.

  5. I want to win! But I don’t have anything exciting to say right now. 🙁

  6. I want to join the tribe!

  7. I can fit exactly zero bodies under my bed. It’s right one the floor, no frame. Mostly because my cats kept messing with the frames and I was worried they would break it and then the bed would fall down on top of them.

  8. I named my vacuum cleaner Fido, since it follows me faithfully around the house. Also, glass eyeballs would be useful parking guides to hang in the garage!

  9. Ah, I want this. I keep fondling it in Target every time I’m there. Is that weird? Yes. Maybe send me a book and I’ll quit.

    LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted Terrible Neighbors: Four Good Ways to Teach Them a Lesson.

  10. Anything. . . because that is what you said to comment about.

  11. How many bodies can I fit under my bed? Zero. There’s already too much junk stored under there. Guess you’ll know I’ve taken up murder when you see my stepladder stored in the front hallway.

  12. Thanks for being awesome in a general fashion.

    Patricia recently posted Buying Stuff like a Real Grown Up.

  13. I am stuck with a kid home sick from school. ENTERTAIN ME!

    Rebecca recently posted Judd Trail and Ginger Jackass Pools.

  14. I want to win too! Its college finals time though and I can’t think of anything witty. This would be a wonderful distraction from this chaos. <3

  15. Winner winner chicken dinner!

  16. Sorry, I can’t fit any bodies under my bed. That would be bad feng shui. However, I’d argue that I could use way more than a dozen fake cow eyeballs. They’d make fantastic cat toys.

    Jessica Olin recently posted The Long and Short of It, Part I: ACRL 2013.

  17. I am so thankful to have found your blog. And those pictures of unicorn snoggings.

  18. Also replace with “giant box of vintage dentures” – Except, useful for dentistry, jewelry making and christmas ornaments. still- gotta pick them up and check them out.

  19. I want to win! But only if I can have a glass cow eyeball too please!
    Love the blog and the book.

  20. So many things I could comment on! My car’s name is the “purple princess”. She’s a 1996 Volkswagen Jetta that won’t go over 80 km / hr and drops gears going up hills. We have to treat her like a princess to keep her going.

  21. My cat just took a shit in his litter box and it stinks.

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted Prized Possessions Vol 1. – ALF.

  22. 22
    Panther Berg

    I have a great love for taxidermied rodents, but can’t own any because my dog eats them. This is a serious flaw in my existence. On the other hand, she’s pretty cute, and the cat likes her, so I guess it’s ok. I did pre-order and buy the hard back version but…EXTRA CHAPTERS!!!!!!

    I own exactly zero glass cow eyeballs. I’m ok with this.

  23. Oh boy, hope I win! Thanks!

    Special K recently posted Oblivion!.

  24. My cat is shaved like a baby lion, and his breath still smells like cat food.

  25. Thanks to my Mother being only able to keep cheese pizza and ice cream in her stomach while pregnant with me (she’d upchuck everything else), I could literally eat both things forever. The pizza is partly to blame for my move to Chicago. 😉

  26. My middle toe, as I can flick people off with it under the table. 😉

    I don’t have a stash of glass eyes, but if I did I would randomly place them in people’s food because I’m an A-Hole like that…

  27. You may send me glass eyeballs instead, or maybe a unicorn.

  28. Okay – not about GLASS cow eyeballs, but cow eyeballs, nonetheless. When I was in OAC biology, I spent a day doing tours of the lab for grade nines. My triumphant finale was cutting open a cow eyeball, and squirting one of the new kids. I’d say I went through… twelve? So I’ve used fourteen eyeballs in my lifetime. Though not glass. Also – maybe three bodies under the bed, depending on girth.

    Jessica recently posted There We Go!.

  29. I will use this opportunity to tell you that my pelvis feels like it is splitting in half because I have twins growing inside of me, because that is pretty much the only thing on my mind right now. I’m not really sure how anything else COULD be on my mind right now with all of that going on.

    And I ordered pizza and learned that Domino’s delivers chocolate dipped cookies. If only they delivered Twix bars, I’d be pretty certain they were my guardian angels. I was tempted to put in the delivery comments that I would tip them extra if they stopped and got me a Twix bar on their way here.

  30. My son has finally decided to stop saying, “Mommy! NO!” every time I sing in the car and is instead singing along with me #HowPikeLearnedToStopWorryingAndLoveTheMommy

    Beth recently posted Beth's Wordless Wednesday.

  31. 42

    Nathalie (@spacedlaw) recently posted Efface.

  32. If you made a tray of dessert bars using S’Mores cereal, would that be considered meta?
    Do they even make S’mores cereal anymore?

    Jehy recently posted Photo.

  33. 33
    Jessica Fletcher

    Whenever I get tipsy I start talking about unicorns. And also when I see white horses (which, as everyone knows, are unicorns with invisible horns).

  34. 34

    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime. A “normal” person? Zero. Me? About 30 (I’d use them to gussy up my Warhammer army).

  35. 35
    Layla Lock

    I was the second one to draw you a unicorn.

  36. *laughter*

  37. I’m confused. Are there vintage glass cow eyeballs to be had or not? If not, I guess a free book is cool too.


  39. I would love to read this in its entirety in a British accent. Cheerio!

  40. I WANT TO WIN! …consider me entered!

  41. I enjoy secretly crop-dusting people with farts if they’re being rude to myself and/or others.

  42. I call my kids Bean pie & Buggy pants. I have no idea where these nicknames came from.

    MamaMelch recently posted Zoo Adventures with New Friends.

  43. True story. My grandma has a kind of funny little toe that doesn’t bend down. She had a dream about me the night before I was born and BAM, my toe is like that too. Strange. And annoying in that I can never wear pointy-toed shoes.

  44. Me please! You could even hand deliver since I think you live close to me…San Antonio?

  45. I’m commenting only with the hope of getting more Unicorn pics. Any chance you can draw one in mine if I when?

  46. If I ever write a book, the first sentences will be what my mom said to the doctor after being in labor (for 36 hours, oops) with me:
    Mom: (face crumbles) “Oh you poor baby!”
    (Frantically looks at the doctor)
    “Will she always look this way???”

  47. I started rereading my kindle version yesterday…but I bought it a year ago, so I want to see the new chapter.

    Lori Vann recently posted Semi-Wordless Wednesday…..

  48. I can fit 2 and 7/8ths bodies under my bed. Right next to the convertible rails for the babies beds and the extra suitcase.

  49. Today I accidentally let a meth addict use my ukulele as an ashtray.

    Thiefree recently posted Cool internet things.

  50. pick me! pick me!

  51. Smashing. Totally Bloody Fabulous!! Here Here … Jolly Good Old Chap!!! Head on down to the Pub to celebrate with a Pint!!!

  52. 52

    I’ve just decided to name my left nipple Spiney Norman. The right one refuses to be named.

  53. Well, I can only fit 1 body, maybe, under my bed (it’s one of those platform beds, with the drawers?), but when I went shopping for my new car about 2 years ago, I judged which ones were worthy of a test drive by how many bodies they could fit. My car? Easily 4 or 5, if you have them in pieces!

  54. I’m glad I practiced my english accent for so long. It came in very handy indeed.
    Also, I don’t have any actual glass eyeballs, but I did recent;y receive a shipment of tiny glass globes that could easily be turned into eyeballs. I have a whole 20 so, if you need any just lemme know.

    Morraha recently posted Coming Undone..

  55. We can fit multiple bodies under our beds – but only if they’re little people.

    Also, I just learned that the book “Animalia” that I LOVED as a kid…has a Dalek on the D page. Mind=blown.

    And this book may have changed my life. Or scarred me, but probably a little of both.

    Shanshantastic recently posted On Coming Out.

  56. Could probably fit 3 bodies comfortably underneath my bed but perhaps 6 during an especially desperate game of Sardines.

  57. This would be a perfect First of May (cue Jonathan Coulton) gift!

  58. When I was in 5th grade my class was supposed to dissect a cow eyeball. I heard that if you didn’t want to do it, for ethical reasons or just because, you could opt out and spend the class period in the library. I wasn’t too into eyeballs so I said I objected on moral reasons: why should a cow have to lose its eye just so I could cut it up. But really I just couldn’t believe thus let me spend a whole class period in the library. It was my favorite place.

    Then, in high school we dissected frogs. It was so awesome and cool and I learned so much that I realized I probably should have dissected the eyeball.

    Not that you could dissect a glass eyeball, but it reminded me of that lost opportunity. Give me your book!

  59. I could probably fit a dozen bodies under my bed, if it weren’t already cluttered with boxes of Christmas ornaments and clothes that don’t fit but I won’t throw out.

  60. Well…at least they are glass bull balls.

  61. and here I was, SO EXCITED for a glass-eyball giveaway!

  62. I tore my ACL Monday in Sentao class. I have a big ol’ robo-leg brace. Y’know, just in time for summer. 🙁

    Gin recently posted I’m Struggling.

  63. I kind of want a glass eyeball now, but books are good too.

  64. I can’t believe I haven’t read the book yet… but, well, I haven’t. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you!! I was hoping to have something witty to add in an attempt to increase my odds of winning… but I’m all out of wit for today.

    I think I could fit like 6 or 7 bodies under the bed. Cats would not be pleased though.

  65. Couldn’t you use the extra eyeballs to play marbles?

  66. I was disappointed that we were receiving only brains and not the whole pig head at work today. I was so looking forward to using my bone saw.

    PS I have an alligator head on my desk at work that holds small things like paper clips and misplaced histology slides. His name is Sir Alistair Snapsley, Keeper of Small Things.

  67. The first time I read your book was last year, and I was almost done when I was waiting to go into surgery. The last thing I read before going in was about the smoking unicorn. Thanks to that and the ‘happy juice’ I was given, I had a really fucked up experience. Thanks!!

  68. I’m still trying to find my own Beyonce. You’d think it would be easy in Iowa!

  69. I’ve always wondered why people want to spend their vacations in the lap of luxury. The lap seems like such a strange destination. Why not spend your vacation clinging to the earlobe of luxury?

  70. I want a free signed book by one of the funniest people I’ve ever read!

  71. 71
    Tasha Hale

    I paid real dollars for the book already, but damn I would’ve loved a vintage glass cow eyeball. I think you have an untapped market for that right there.

  72. I found my way here through Beyonce and never looked back. I have my very own Blue Ivy in my kitchen, but still want a full sized metal lovely for my backyard. My favorite toe is my pinky toe because the nail is so teeny that I don’t have to paint it. And also because it goes wee wee wee.

  73. Life should come with an ‘Undo’ button

  74. I don’t know how many dead bodies we could fit under the bed (it’s rather close to the ground) but definitely 3 live cats and the desiccated corpses and untold numbers of their toys. the next time we move is gonna be fun!

    Kitty recently posted Those patterns, you know the ones.

  75. I have this already…but my cat would like one. He’s ginger, but please don’t hold that against him!

  76. Oh yes, please. One for me!…. the books… not the glass cow eyeballs… unless you really do have some and some extra because I’m pretty sure I could find a use for that too. It’s weird around my house.

    Queen Of All Things Good recently posted This Is What Was Disturbing?!.

  77. Oooh Ooooh OOOOOH PICK ME!!!!

  78. I could totally use a box of glass eyeballs to freak my sister out.

  79. Don’t have a least favorite toe, but don’t like my left foot. Sprained it in college and it gets temperamental on me every now and then.

    LL recently posted Day 2 and Day 3 (April 30 and May 1).

  80. I simply adore you, that must be said. Also, I’m pretty sure I could fit like 8 dead bodies under my bed because there’s a lot of space but also because dead bodies don’t really care if you stuff and bend and possibly break a limb or two in order to make the fit happen so….

  81. If I’ve done the math correctly, the average person will use approximately 1329 glass cow eyeballs in their lifetime. This, of course, factors in age, year of birth, and access. Most rural communities have enough access that the average goes up in these areas, but even those in an urban environment use around 1000 in their lives, but only if they remain in their current urban atmosphere. If they move to a smaller community, the number, naturally, goes up.

    Jessica recently posted Why does being gay have to come with an announcement?.

  82. ABSOLUTELY LOVE your blog! I’ve been threatening to start collecting vinatge taxidermied animals if I don’t get your book – my husband is concerned. Maybe winning a book will help prevent another level of hoarding above metal animals (yes, I have a family of metal flamingos living at my desk – don’t judge!)

  83. My uncle had a glass eye… his eye was knocked out by a golfball. True story, I promise!

  84. I have a toe nail that I thought was going to fall off but it didn’t, and now it’s just like half falling off. I’m really unclear what the future holds for it, but it does’t hurt and it doesn’t even look that gnarly. Ok that’s all. Thanks, Jenny! Bye!

    Sig recently posted The Hotel Room.

  85. I’m going to win this when I take a picture of the unicorn-with-a-penis-horn graffiti that someone pasted/painted on the building next door. If no one has stolen it yet.

    Laura recently posted On Jason Collins: There Should Be No Qualifier for Courage.

  86. If I had a glass cow eyeball, I’d be the most popular person in town because then everyone would want one.

  87. I named my belly button and gave her a french accent.

  88. I want Hunter S. Thomcat instead but would love a book.

  89. I have a pair of Cow eyeballs in my freezer right now… next to the frozen pizza and the ben an jerry’s

  90. When I hear a man complain about having to shave his face I simply say, talk to the vagina!

  91. 91

    I have laryngitis. I sound like Darth Vader. You can imagine how excited my son named Luke is about that.

  92. I’ll take a book if you’re giving them away, but throw a glass eyeball in there, too!

  93. My boobs are named jiggly and puff (after the Pokemon). O.o

  94. Thanks for keeping us laughing, Jenny! Because if we didn’t laugh we would cry and we all look terrible after we cry.

  95. Years ago I named my little belly bulge George. “I will name him George and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him … and pat him and pat him … and love him and caress him…” What can I say I watched Bugs Bunny when I was little.

  96. I’m blind in one eye. I could totally use a glass eyeball if it was cool enough to warrant having the nonfunctional, but otherwise normal, eyeball removed.

  97. Commenting on a “Leave a Comment” space! Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I have a glass cow eyeball?!?!?! Puh-leeaaseeee?!?!?!?!?!?

  98. I remember dissecting cow eyeballs in physics class- it was pretty much the coolest thing we ever did. All the boys were disgusted because gloves weren’t required and I just jumped in with bare hands- the only one in the class who did that might I add. We had to sort of ‘pop’ them to get the cornea out and they oozed eye juice all over.

  99. Three

  100. do we get a free eyeball with the free book?

  101. My pinky toes would have to be my least favorite.

  102. I also stumbled backwards: first book , then blog. I could only manage one glass eyeball I think.

  103. OMG I totes want this book!!! So does my dog, MIlton.

  104. 104
    Christine T

    When I’m feeling stabby I glance at my Copernicus photo and instantly, everything is better.

  105. My dad’s from England and my mom is from America. These book are from England and you’re American. Clearly, one of those books is meant to reside with me in Canada. We can hang out together being super international.

  106. I want to win. And I cannot feel my ring toes, never have, born with it I guess

  107. My PTSD therapy plan: farming with my goats and rereading this book….

    Che recently posted We Still Need Your Help to Win a $5,000 Grant!.

  108. Wee! More books. I think we all need at least 4 glass eye balls. I mean back ups are important!

  109. I don’t have a favorite toe, but I DO have a least favorite toe. The 4th toe on each foot curls to the middle toe like some sort of deranged shrimp. It’s a good thing they help me balance, or I might be tempted to lop them off.

  110. I used to work as an optician and one day I answered the phone to hear a guy on the other end of the line asking me if we fitted glass eyes. I was confused and quite sure I hadn’t heard him correctly, so I said “You want to know what?”
    “Glass eyes, do you guys do them there?”
    “Glass eyes? Like a prosthetic eye?”
    “Yes, mine broke & I need a new one.”

    I don’t know why, but the whole conversation struck me funny and as hard as I tried not to burst out laughing, I couldn’t help myself. So I kindly put him on hold, went in the back and giggled myself silly while making my coworker talk to him to let him know that we did not make or fit glass eyes for people.

    Kara recently posted Knitting update, April 2013.

  111. I would not have been nearly as excited to see 6-foot-high metal roosters at a gift shop last weekend had I not known Beyonce’s story. And my life is better for it!

  112. I’d love a copy! I bought your book when it first came out in hard cover, then a friend sent me one from your signing in San Jose CA, since I couldn’t make it. I’d love another copy to pay it forward with, since everyone needs a little Bloggess on their bookshelf. If you pick me, I’m giving it to Kari, my fav gal at the bookstore.

  113. There are a million people on the waiting list for this at my local library. Would love to win a copy.

    Also, I once took actual deer eyeballs to school for extra credit. We dissected them in science class.

  114. I would like to win this book. Also a glass eyeball. Any color will do.

    Jen recently posted anniversary and random things on my brain today.

  115. 115
    Nicola M.

    I don’t have a bed. I sleep in the corner. The bodies are there for warmth.

  116. I always face out the hardback at the bookstore. That sounded better in my head. Really.

    Stace recently posted Five Guilty Pleasures.

  117. 117
    Heather Tarman

    I saw a giant rooster on the side of the road the other day that was twice the size of Beyonce. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life!!

  118. So, I wasn’t gonna do it but I am ever so curious. Did you by chance happen to receive a pair of the most amazing rainbow unicorn bookends and if so, please tell me they were not broken. Gracias. Also, yes, I’d love a copy – I love the font. 🙂

    Kara recently posted OWH Scrappy Background Tutorial.

  119. Oh! Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me! 🙂

  120. 120

    Probably like, 6? And Herman, Milly, and Josephine.

  121. Right now I’m listening to the Les Mis soundtrack and they just sang the lyric, “raise your glass high” and I heard, thanks to this post, “raise your glass eye.” I will think of this now every time I hear that song, so I think I’ll need approximately eleventy billion glass eyes during my lifetime.

    Katie recently posted Word To Your Mother: Top Ten Tuesday Collaborates and Listens.

  122. I am so happy your book is doing so well! Congratulations. You deserve it.

  123. ooo, ooo, me!
    Also, I eschew putting bodies under the bed in lieu of putting them under the floorboards. Much easier to contain that way. Unless you’re in a condo with a downstairs neighbor, and then that’s trickier. Though I guess then you could blame the body on your downstairs neighbor, and say they put it in their ceiling?
    Not that I’ve ever thought about this or anything.

  124. The Angels have the book. The Angels have the book.

  125. So I’ve been playing against you in Words with Friends (and I’m seriously the worst drawer in the world, sorry), and I totally wanted to draw a woman making out with a unicorn. But that wasn’t an option. Because the creators of Words with Friends are assholes. And possibly racists.

  126. My least favorite toe is the pinky. Apparently, it has anger issues and is always getting into fights with passing table legs and boxes.

    Sarah recently posted Ten Christian Acronyms That Make Me Want to Paint Giraffe Spots on Poster Board.

  127. I just had my tubes tied, and I’ve decided my uterus is not my favorite body part. Her name is Mabel.

  128. I have a slight obsession with all things British, so I really want a chance at this! Also, I just discovered Doctor Who this spring, and now I want to take my cat to Texas to see The Doctor. Maybe he speaks cat and can tell me why mine is seems to think he’s a dog that enjoys playing fetch and getting belly rubs.

  129. I wish you were giving out glass eyeballs. That would be awesome.

  130. Dear random # generator, is luck on my side today?

    Maura recently posted Casey Anthony to be freed by late July or early August.

  131. Bacon.

  132. 132

    I need a new copy of the book because a) I bought it in hardback, so I don’t have the new chapter and b) my dog ate it. Well, chewed on it anyway. Actually, now that I think about it, it was a sheep that chewed on it (my husband thought it was one of my knitting books that the sheep chewed on, so he thought it was funny/ironic at first). Speaking of sheep, Jenny, I hope you’ve been enjoying all the pictures of our newborn lambs that I’ve been Tweeting!

  133. I want one! I want one! I want one!

  134. I don’t have a favorite toe, but how about a scar from when I tore my acl when I was 11? It’s bad ass. But its not on my ass, promise. It’s on my left knee.

  135. I love this blog. It makes me feel less crazy because just maybe someone else gets the crazy too.I had to share the unicorn #artforawesomness with my best friend. so then we talked about that for a while.

  136. I was reading something today and came across someone named Nerfis. I wonder if he (she?) constantly just stands really close to people and asks, “Am I making you Nerfis?”

  137. I would like a copy of the book for a dear friend who is in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery, and the complications once gets from losing most of your internal organs. I think the taxidermy sections will really speak to him, honest to God.

  138. My family doesn’t quite understand my love for you. I got your calendar for Christmas and it was looked at with confused eyes and, ‘yeeeeaaaahhhh, I guess that’s funny’ comments.
    If I win one, ill give my impressiable little sister my original copy of your book and let the crazy be shared! ….in the greatest way, of course.

  139. I have your book on hold at the library. If they don’t return it soon, I’m going break their big toe.

  140. 140
    Kate Black

    Favorite toe? The one next to the big toe on my left foot. The pointer toe?

    I’m really excited about this contest. Makes my super shitty apartment hunt a little less shitty.

  141. So, we’re a tribe of miscreant unicorns with vintage glass cow eyeballs? I’m so in.

  142. My brother used to torture small children by telling them that glass marbles were the eyeballs of people he’d killed.

  143. Glass cow eyeballs, maybe I should check on my herd to see if I need replacements. Would love to win an autographed copy of your book!!!

  144. I have fallen out of the shower three times in the last year alone. I’m considering installing shower doors instead of just a curtain for my own safety.

  145. I do not have a favorite toe, but I have a favorite freckle… I named her Gertrude (simply because I feel the name has been woefully abandoned) and I love her because she had the class to appear NOT on my face or arms, but on my toe… which shows her own creativity as well. You are amazing.

  146. Absolutely adore you on twitter! Please enter me. (That sounded worse than it meant to.)

  147. 147

    I don’t really like any of my toes, I haven’t named any of my body parts and I’m pretty sure I could fit 4-5 people under my bed (depending on the size of the person…), but I would love to win a copy of your book so I can read the new chapter!

  148. I read the US version with a British accent…did I do it wrong? I am British, so I don’t know how to read it without inserting a quota of ‘Blimey!’ into the footnotes…

  149. I like you.

    Maia recently posted My what big eggs you have..

  150. 150
    April Saraceni

    I have never found the perfect amount of glass cow eyes. But I have recommended your book to a number of people, who have all choked themselves laughing over it, as I have. (If I had a glass cow eye, I’d probably choke on it too)

  151. A friend of mine once browsed through a basket of glass eyes while we were antiquing. I’m not sure if she was thinking to upcycle some or what…and now I have to go search for “glass eyes” on Pinterest to see if anyone is doing this yet.

  152. I need to read the UK version of Harry Potter. I hear it’s in English!

    Melissa Lawler recently posted Good Cook 13x9 Non-Stick Pan Give-Away.

  153. I would so LOVE one! My favorite toe is my right middle toe (it just has an aura about it). ..damn I don’t have any pet names for my body parts…but I think a normal person could use about 31,000 glass eyeballs in a lifetime…and I think I could fit about 5 bodies under my bed (maybe 6 if it is okay if some parts stick out).

    Issa recently posted Day 246 - Damn People.

  154. My penis is named Charlie Hustle after Pete Rose. It’s career as a hard working player went downhill about as quickly as the orginal Charlie Hustle’s did, but I don’t know that they’re related events. One suffered as a result of gambling on baseball, and the other eventually found love and then a wife and then a family and is forever flacid. Wow, TMI? Will my American language speaking allow me to comprehend those there books you got? If yes, please count me in!

    donofalltrades recently posted This one’s for Ace!!.

  155. 155
    D Cherry

    I once dated a guy with one eye and seven toes….I now hate all things pirates.

  156. 156
    Melissa King

    Sometimes when my child misbehaves I totally get why some animal species kill their young. He usually gets me to laugh, so I can’t ever stay mad at him long.

  157. yay me!

  158. When I was a kid I was terribly shy and used to pretend I couldn’t speak. Then, I would introduce my speaking self as my identical twin sister. She had lots of friends, but was a pompous jerk to me.

  159. 159
    Danielle Vertrees

    I don’t have much to say except thank you for being a major distraction while sitting in the school library trying to work on a research paper or homework or whatever else I feel the need to put off until tomorrow.

  160. 160

    Sitting here wondering how hard I would have to try to get husband to agree to move Scotland. I am guessing not hard. We would need jobs though to support the Scotch habit that will inevitably develop.

  161. I didn’t know this wonderful blog existed until I had made it through most of the book!

  162. I’m an expert facebook stalker, a Starbucks barista, and a rememberer of useless things that take up valuable brain space that should probably be used for something important like remembering to eat meals and get regular teeth cleanings. The combination of these means that I often see customers at work who have no idea who I am, but I know exactly who they are, and my favorite thing to do is write their names on their drink cups without asking them, just to creep them out.

  163. Yay you! Loved the hard cover (especially my copy, which you autographed for me here in NJ!), and have given many as gifts already! Now I could REALLY use a new chapter. Also, I could totally use some glass cow eyeballs, if you have extras.

    Robin recently posted HOLY SH!T I JUST ATE MY OWN EYEBALL.

  164. My favorite toe is my daughter’s right pinkie toe. It has a freckle, but she couldn’t pronounce freckle and told everyone her toe has a “pickle”. So, it has become her pickle toe, and I have an awesome story to pull out if she ever brings a boy (or girl) home. :p

  165. I would like to win the paperback. Even though I feel guilty because I haven’t read the hardcover yet. But I did actually buy it, and it’s next on the list. When I can make the time, I will read it even though it’s obsolete because you have a new dang chapter now.

  166. I can sing like the seagull in The Little Mermaid. That’s pretty much my only talent.

  167. I’ve never had glass eyeballs – for myself or a cow – but I bet they’re infinitely better than a wooden eyeball. No splinters that way.

    I once won the opportunity to have someone sear my eyeballs with a laser, after cutting a flap into the top layer using vacuum pressure. That was the happiest day of my life. It would become the second happiest day if I won a book.

    Keiran recently posted Our house was our castle and our keep, our house in the middle of our street.

  168. why, when I put a comment, does it say I’ve posted about Casey Anthony? Oh computers, you confound me.

  169. 169
    Shannon Fielding

    Damn! I wanted cow eyeballs. Can you at least draw a picture of a cow eyeball on the inside?

  170. Tonight I had to assemble the BBQ grill by myself since the husband was too busy to do it. It was only after I made dinner on it that I realized I put the legs on wrong. Whoops!

    Liz recently posted A Conversation With My Brother.

  171. Lucy 😉

  172. How many glass cow eyeballs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

  173. Today, I went to a car boot sale and they had helicopter rides and a bouncy castle. Unfortunately, the bouncy castle was for under 12s only, so we went up in a helicopter instead. That made my day until I had to state my weight “for insurance reasons” in front of all the people waiting for the heli ride. I need a pick-me-up Jenny, and I’m British so I would obviously read the book with a perfectly darrrrling British accent. I promise!

    Kathy C recently posted Pigtails for humanity.

  174. my comment is: comment

  175. I think I could fit about 6 bodies under my bed but I think the stench would make me unable to sleep. Also, it isn’t a very good place to hide bodies as I am sure that would be the first place the police would look.

  176. I could fit maybe four bodies under my bed, but wouldn’t want to deal with the smell!

  177. 177

    Not saying which body part, but I used to nickname a part of my body the little piggies. (If you guessed my toes, you would be wrong.)

  178. I should win. Because I don’t look down on the British for their bad dental luck.

  179. I would love to win a copy of this book! My son ate my ereader when I was on the last chapter. 🙁
    I think I need to feed my son more….

  180. I bought the hardcover edition while visiting my parents in the States back in October, read about half of it on the plane ride back home, and then somehow left it on the plane.

    Luckily, I had previously bought my friend a copy, so I borrowed it from him to read the rest.

  181. 3…
    That’s my answer….
    You choose the question 😉

  182. This Jenny bitch keeps pretending to be me and it is pissing me off. You can cuss on this site, right?

    Abbie Gale recently posted I Cried Like a Boss, After Crawling Out of Sight.

  183. I’d like to be entered to win, but I am questioning why one would put the bodies under your own bed? After all, they would stink after a while – and why draw suspicion to yourself.

    Marybeth Markland recently posted The good thing about the flu.

  184. I should be working, but instead, I am here… Pick me, pick me!

  185. I had a classmate in high school who had a glass eye. If you send me the glass cow eyeballs I will donate them to him in case he could use them. Are they interchangeable?

  186. Bodies go in the vegetable drawer of the fridge.

    Cheryl recently posted Drink Specials.

  187. Here is a poem I wrote: fish hook fish hook shining in the sky. Fish hook fish hook through the fishes eye. Fish blood drying on my hand, fishes dying in the sand.

  188. Currently my brain is tied up in knots because I was stuck in a conference this morning about the Affordable Care Act and all of the 8 million new things it’s going to require me to do in my job – and for that, I’m going to need therapy. But free (and hilarious) books are cheaper and better. Even under the Affordable Care Act!

  189. 189

    If I tried *really* hard, I could probably fit (and this is just a guesstimate), half of a body under my bed… No clue what I’d do with the other half…. 😉

  190. 190
    Erin Goodrich

    I brought some Laughing Cow cheese to work with me today. But, alas, I forgot the crackers. How crass would it be to just lick it out of it’s shiny silver packaging?

  191. 192
    Ashleigh ML

    Figured it’s an appropriate comment for here, today I am celebrating two weeks without any form of an anxiety attack! I haven’t gone more then a few days without one in the past! Fuck yeah!

  192. 193

    I have a friend in Texas that will love this book. So, I’m entering for her as a surprise. <3
    Favourite toe, must be the big one, the nail is big enough to make artsy stuff on it. My mom is on her 2nd glass eye. Dunno how many more she'll need as she's only 57.

    For Terri <3!!!

  193. The best thing that happened to me today was going to the dmv and getting my license renewed. Please do not let this happen!

  194. My blog isn’t about tits. Don’t be scared. Or disappointed.

  195. 196
    Elizabeth P.

    I have a fucking toothache!!!

  196. 197
    Jennifer Wenner

    I read aloud to my husband from your book and blog during road trips. I am perfectly willing to go and buy the paperback version to get that new chapter, but getting it for free in the mail like some kind of goddamned miraculous vintage glass cow eyeball would be fine too.

  197. I want to win because I lent my autographed HARDCOVER book out to someone who *really* needed it and I didn’t get it back.

    THAT, and let’s face it, if I’m having a crappy day the firth thing I do is go to the bookmarked metal chicken post and ALL is immediately right in my world.

    Plus, you once commented on MY blog and I felt like a movie star had visited.


    Maggie Pinque recently posted Believing and/or Working.

  198. I wouldn’t need any glass eyeballs, but we often have the editable ones that go on cupcakes and cookies. We eat them without ever putting them on cupcakes or cookies. We just keep a bag of them around because it’s fun to say, “How ’bout an eyeball, then? That’ll cheer you right up!” {in a British accent, no less}

  199. I will totally call out sick and stay home to read this if you pick me. Pretty please?

  200. Me me me!

  201. I read my Kindle copy to my Mom while she was in the hospital recently, helped us laugh through some truly awful times. I’d love one for her!

  202. I LOVED your book! My boyfriend calls my boobs “the wonder twins.” Does that count as a pet name? Pick me! Pick me!

  203. Would love to read the book….and on a side note I am thinking of starting a practice that does nothing but replace cow eyes with glass ones (there’s a market for that in Herefords!)

  204. My names for my breasts are Charm and Wit because they’re something I think every woman should have. And if they don’t, well, usually breasts make up for it.

  205. If I win do I have to pretend it didn’t happen?

  206. I think if I did a little rearranging I could fit three bodies under my bed snugly. Not that I would ever have three bodies that I’d *need* to fit under my bed. Let’s be honest, I barely even talk to three people regularly.

  207. 208
    Brianna Trawick

    I have a dog with a glass eye, not an actual glass eye, but one blue eye and one brown eye. It’s really cute…and also kinda creepy…

  208. I don’t have a favorite toe, but I have a favorite finger. It’s my left pinkie because my mom “accidentally” cut the tip off when I was a baby. Best guilt-inducing finger in the world.

  209. I would like to be entered in the glass cow eyeball contest so I can finally have the kind of Halloween party my parents would never let me have.

    Jill Pinnella Corso recently posted Daddyism #8.

  210. A friend recommended your book to me. I loved it. I have the same sort of arthritis, loved reading that in but alone with it.

  211. 212

    Knock Knock Motherfucker!

  212. I really want a copy of this book. And a glass cow eyeball. So I can keep the eyeball on my desk at work. And make cryptic comments to people about how Lord Moo-fasa is watching them, and knows all. Damn. Now I have to go buy a vintage glass cow eyeball. And this book. But that’s okay. Because I want the book. And the eyeball. Fuck.

  213. 214

    would love a copy…u r funny!

  214. my least favorite toe is my pinky. it curls under and gets all weird on me. but it would be much happier if I was reading the British version of your book!

  215. Also eligible if you live in a tiny country named Holland?? 🙂 I simply want to thank you again for inspiring me to paint red dresses. I love red dresses in general even though I don’t own one, but to be able to link it to such a great cause…it makes it even more sassy! ^_^

    TJ Lubrano recently posted Etsy Spring Clean Sale!.

  216. I would love to win. I need something to take me away from the necessity of doing my job!

    Julie recently posted Theme Thursday – Do Overs.

  217. One time, in middle school, my friends and I found a dead bird on the side of the road during recess. We used a shoelace to create a noose, carefully slipped it around the dead bird’s neck, and moved the carcass to the top of a nearby electric box. Then we covered it in yogurt from somebody’s sack lunch.

  218. I haven’t broken a toe, but I broke my leg a few weeks ago playing roller derby. Go, me.
    Love your blog and would love your book!

  219. My favorite toe is the pinky toe. I don’t know why, though.

    Regarding the number of glass eyeballs a person would use in a lifetime, I guess the answer would depend on whether or not the person in question is crafty. If you’re crafty you can go through a whole box in a matter of days. Or weeks. Who knows? But if you’re not crafty I’d say about 20. One for each finger and one for each toe.

    Carol recently posted Why and how to blog.

  220. Snuffleupagus. How do they expect kids to be able to spell his name? I bet that’s why he never got many letters.

  221. Ooh, a chance to have your autograph…sign me up. You nearly caused a dear friend of mine infinite injury twice this past week. First, when I told her about your Twitter comment on my DT Doctor Who quilt, she nearly choked on her salad. A few days later, she recounted the entire thing to a table of co-workers and was got overly excited, that she slammed her hand down on the table., rattling the silverware and glasses. We definately got some dirty looks from the restaurant…all Thanks To You!!!

    Kristy Daum recently posted FLOOR PLAN - Modern Quilts Unlimited Magazine.

  222. 3.7

    glass eyeballs, that is.

  223. My husband calls my pinky toes “hamster toes” because they like to sneak under the other ones and sleep. Of course, I am assuming they are sleeping.

  224. 225
    Rooty Tooty

    Thank you for making sitting at work in front of a computer not suck so much.

  225. I would like your book or a taxidermy gerbil-corn. 🙂

  226. 227
    Michelle Jones

    Knock-knock, motherfucker. May I have a book, please? 😀

  227. Oooh, I want one! I was crying/laughing in bed the other night reading your book and had to explain to my husband by reading a bit out loud. He said he was surprised I like you because I hate it when people curse a lot. Of course I started thinking about it too much. Now I’m worried that, if I met you in person, I would find you vulgar and crude. Either that or I would want to drink with you.

  228. I my “ring toes” are completely turned in and crooked on each foot from pointe shoes and dancing. My middle toes are crooked the other way. I can turn off any foot fetish.

  229. I need this so bad. I had a hard back version that I got autographed at one of your book signings but I let a friend borrow it and she left it where her kid could get to it. 🙁 kids are the reason I can’t have funny books.

  230. My most beloved animals, Banana Pants & Crash Hell-mutt, speak with British accents… in my head.

    Seems appropriate that I have the British version of the book.

  231. 232

    On average, a person will use 5.3 glass cow eyeballs in his/her lifetime. Jeopardy told me so. Or perhaps rum told me that. Yes, I believe it was rum.

  232. I had an aunt that had a glass eye…always freaked me out.

  233. 234
    Sheila Dickerhoof

    I stopped the other day to price my very own Beyonce but I had to pay tuition and couldn’t afford her. It was a sad day.

  234. My brain is feeling a little wibbly-wobbly these days. I’ve managed to catch up on series 1-6 of the new Doctor Who in less than 5 weeks… How I’ve managed to also eat, sleep, and work I’ve no idea. Maybe I fell into a vortex or something? So sorry, dear, but did you say glass eyes for cows?

  235. I don’t necessarily have a favorite toe, but I do have a second one on each foot that is longer than the first one. My husband teased me about it endlessly until one night when I was full of sleep deprivation yet still up nursing my newborn son I happened to look at his foot while he was sleeping and noticed that he had the same damn toe. I have no idea how I failed to notice it before.

    I kicked him. It made me feel better.

    Jaime recently posted This is sort of a wedding anniversary post.

  236. I just pulled a tick off my wife.

  237. Oooh, I love the lettering in this version! Although I do miss the taxidermy. <3

    Whether or not I win a copy of my very own, your book is on my list of things to read during my recovery from hip surgery (in two weeks!). Huzzah!

    Ellie Di recently posted Why Did I Write That?! An anthology of awful high school poetry.

  238. Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock.
    Random enough?

  239. I’m sorry… I know you typed some words and things but all I can do is stare at your thumb.

    I’m in awe.

    HOW IS IT SO TINY? Did it just grow that way? Did you have some sort of thumb reducing procedure? Or was it a straight up thumb graft? And if so, was it purely cosmetic or was there some sort of horrible thumb story we dont know about? Because if that last bit is true WE ARE GOING TO NEED DETAILS JENNY.

    Wait… co worker just informed me that its likely a perspective thing. And I was all “Are you saying I have freakishly large thumbs and thus am biased?! Cause my thumbs are just fucking fine thankyouverymuch”

    and then he explained camera perspective.

    But now I think I might have thumb issues.

    beausaphine recently posted It’s like “Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego” only I don’t have a cool trenchcoat and I’m super white.

  240. Isn’t it ridiculous that twitter sends you an email telling you what’s going on on twitter?

  241. 242
    Julie A F

    I read Let’s Pretend This Never Happened on a 23 hour train/plane journey across the Indian desert, into Dehli, on the flight and layover to Moscow, and finally in customs in New York. With severe, terrible, no good very bad food poisoning. The laughing made it worse. I especially enjoyed the bit about the eating disorder. That was awesomely dark.

  242. I would love to win. –

    Also, I can fit about 5 bodies under my bed. XD

  243. I call my breasts Fluffy and Tallulah.

  244. 245

    I’m going to pretend this comment never happened. Unless I win, then it totally happened.

  245. 246

    im going with my middle toe. i dont think he gets as much love as the rest of the toes and its not fair.

  246. A friend of mine suffers from depression as well. He’s now loving your stuff.

  247. 248

    My favorite word is omphaloskepsis. It’s worth looking it up.

  248. If you tied two glass cow eye balls together they would make for a fair book mark!

  249. I would love to see the new chapter! Plus, a glass cow eyeball. But probably the new chapter more.

    Meg recently posted Growing Pains.

  250. Would love to have a copy! Amongst the many reasons is this very specific one: It is May 1st and looking out my window here in Minneapolis, MN, there is snow coming down. It has driven me to sit in front of my “Happy Lamp” and devour ice cream. Neither of those two things are doing shit to cheer me up. Lazies. You, however, do cheer me up. So there is that. Happy snowy May Day.

  251. 14…..does this refers to glass eyeballs or under-the-bed bodies? (;

  252. I’m forever trying to determine how people would walk and what chairs would look like if knees bent the other way.

  253. I don’t know how many bodies will fit under my bed, but I have always wondered if one could fit in my bird’s cage. It’s a big cage. I bet at least one could fit. He’s a small bird though. Why the fuck does he need such a huge cage?

  254. can I get an eyeball and a book?

  255. Jenny, you are one funny bitch! 🙂 I wish I had your talent and would love to win a copy of your book.

  256. I never actually considered the fact that some people may actually NEED more than one (or zero, preferably) glass eyes. But I guess if your eye sockets get bigger or shrink (do they shrink? what about skulls? I assume you’ve done the necessary research). I bet it’d be fun to change up some of the eyes on your taxidermied animals so some always looks permanently shocked.

  257. I like all of my toes equally. I could use a few glass eyeballs. I’d hide them in random places to scare my boyfriend. Bugs are icky. And I want a stingray named Edwin.

  258. Have you ever thought, “I’ll play dress up to cheer myself up,” and then just ended up sitting in your living room in an itchy orange wig feeling like a prat? Yeah, me neither.


    P.S. Winning a copy of the UK edition would make this Anglophile very happy. If I do, I promise to give my US edition to someone who I think will properly appreciate it.

  259. My iPhone keep autocorrecting my name to the wrong thing so now I’m worried that it is trying to passive aggressively let me know it doesn’t love me back the way I love it. Is my phone Ron Swanson-ing me?

    What I should be doing is packing my house so I can move my family of nine (seriously? Why did I think seven kids was a good plan?) to a larger house. What I’m doing instead is worrying about how much my phone loves me. Obviously my priorities are in order here.

  260. I would LOVE to win one! I love reading your stuff! I often read out loud to anyone who will listen!

    Thank you!

  261. Franklin.

  262. I should win! I gave away my copy to my niece for Christmas, and she never indicated if she enjoyed it, or if she was terribly offended, or anything. I can only assume that she has disowned me. So, I need a new copy to fill the void left in my heart by an ungrateful 19-year-old.

  263. I need to win so I can give it to my mom. Then maybe she’ll give me back my copy that she borrowed a couple months ago.

  264. How many glass cow eyeballs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    At least one – can’t expect the glass cow to do it blind now, can we?

  265. 266
    Jenifer Kelley

    Bodies? They tend to smell when stored under your bed.
    Any interest in a jar of piglet tails in formalin? I know someone who knows someone that could unearth said jar. Fair trade? Your book for piglet tails?

  266. I like cows. They’re delicious. Please please please give me a book.

  267. I was reading your blog at work yesterday and I started to giggle out loud. The woman who sits next to me became concerned that I was giggling to myself. So I read the bit about your husband buying trash bags out loud and made a bunch of my coworkers laugh. This is the joy that you bring. Especially to people like me who like you also deal with crippling anxiety and overwhelming depression and I just want to thank you for being awesome.

  268. I don’t read British, but I’d like a copy anyway.
    Thanks for being awesome. It makes the rest of us feel less lonely.

  269. 270
    ann snort

    I would give my pinkie toe for a box of vintage glass eyeballs!

  270. My favorite toe is the one I got a hideous blister on when I was in London this fall, and it has yet to heal completely. In fact, from time to time it just gets calloused over and hard and spiky, like the toe is trying to grow itself an extra, super claw like nail, one that comes out the back and periodically stabs the neighboring toe until it bleeds.

    Pictures available on request.

  271. I underestimated the amount of bodies that I could fit under my bed. My solution? I went out & bought a larger bed!

  272. My least favorite toe is the 2nd one on each of my feet because it is a little longer than my big toe, apparently, according to a Facebook meme, this means I have Greek feet.

    Anne Younger recently posted Joovy Caboose Too Ultralight – Baby Shower Event {Review}.

  273. My book club is reading your book next month and I can’t wait to introduce them to The Bloggess.

  274. Every time I see a tin chicken in the store or on the road side I think of this blog…which is kind of a lot (shoulder shrug)

  275. Who did the UK translation of your book for you? Did they translate anything into “crimey”? Because I am not sure if it is an offical UK version without “crimey” being used at least once…

    Michael VanDeMar recently posted New WordPress Backdoor Style Discovered – Hackers Think They Are Sneaky.

  276. I have a funny glass eyeball story, and by funny I mean slightly disturbing but hysterical to myself and a few other family members. My Uncle Harry lost an eye in a bar fight back in the 60’s and got a glass eye afterwards. He liked to freak out the children (and squeamish adults) in our family by popping it in and out for shock value. When he passed away, my Aunt took his ashes so that they could be buried with the next of his siblings to pass away. My Aunt is quite a hoarder and somehow Uncle Harry got lost for a few years. Each time another of his siblings passed away (there were 16 of them all together) she would attempt to find him but no luck. Over the passage of time, she also became the keeper of 3 other sets of ashes (seriously? who collects ashes!?!?!)
    A few years ago, she had to move and while helping her clean out her garage we found 4 boxes of ashes, all unmarked. Luckily, the mortician had put Uncle Harry’s eye in with this ashes, so by shaking the boxes we could figure out which one he was! He has found a new home, awaiting his final rest with one of his siblings. 🙂

  277. How exciting to get a box full of your books! I have the ebook version but I’d love to have a copy of the paperback with the extra chapter and since I don’t have it in the budget to buy it, I’d love to win one!

    kalkette recently posted Hitching a Ride.

  278. I think my new office chair was built for a starship with transwarp drive because the arms keep swiveling over my legs, locking me in.

  279. Unfortunately, or not, there really isn’t much room under my bed for bodies, at least not human ones. There would however be room for a small to medium sized invading force of rats.

    Rah recently posted a personal post. . . Excited About Music..

  280. I’m curious as to if my BFAM got into that new chapter. I mean, all I did was give you booze, HE asked to be your second husband if Victor ever dies.
    I’m supposed to be either doing pre-calculus homework OR writing a post for Modern Asia. Neither of these things is happening. Because I am a citizen in good standing of the ProcrastiNation.

    Squishy Amber recently posted Security Blankets.

  281. Banana Hammock.

  282. 283
    rainey n

    Day-o. Daaaaay-o. Daylight come and me wanna go home.

  283. I would love to win a copy of your book! (sorry not feeling very creative today with the comment…)

  284. If I leave the dust bunnies, I’d say 6 bodies. More if they are small. Or cut up.

    I’ll stop now.

    Rachel recently posted Like Mother Like Daughter.

  285. Raising awareness campaigns just bring about mind fodder for my anxiety ridden, hypochondriac brain. I swear I have every disease under the sun with minimal symptoms. Also, I think 5 cow eyeballs are a lifetime maximum for most people. It has to be an odd number because one has to come from a pirate cow.

  286. I’m part of a tribe! 🙂

  287. 288

    I love your book!

  288. I want to win, because “Pretend you’re good at it” is some of the best advice I’ve ever had.

  289. My least favorite toe is my right big toe because I broke it once when I slipped on black ice caused by broken pipes in the abandoned house up the street. I had to wear one of those ugly walking boots. And a former co worker asked for two years afterwards how my toe was for two years!!!
    Also I’m out of ice cream because my throat hurts from strep throat. And could use a pick me up like an autographed book.

  290. I own a copy but it’s not signed!! I would love to have an extra loaner so I can proselytize the anxious doctor who fan unicorn success club tribe.

  291. Left ring. Chacha, diane, & The Captain. 2. 2. But also, I’d really like to win because I am broke (unemployed & suffering from depression & anxiety, so unemployable really). I make ends meet, but can’t really afford a book & I would really love to read it. I don’t want you to think this is a sob story, no. People have it much worse, merely me pointing out, why I have not yet bought a book I really want to read. Plus, it would save my poor Harry Potter books, which are reread so much, they are crying. Literally crying. We’re trying to get the news to cover it, but they like Jesus Toast a lot better.

  292. I could add one of these next to my mini-Beyoncé and all would be right in the world, or just my room, prolly just my room. Until my wife came in and starting asking me questions about why I have books sitting around my cock, and why mini-Beyoncé was watching. Just kidding, the books would be around mini-Beyoncé… prolly.

    Jason recently posted Things I Have Overheard Pt. III.

  293. Probably a baker’s dozen on the glass eyeballs over a lifetime. You need that spare one in case one gets lost. That way the pairs of eyeballs remain even. Unless you’re a pirate. Then the extra one is a bonus.

  294. I’m super excited because my sister just texted me not-for-release pictures of her wedding dress. And now I am holding this knowledge over the heads of all our mutual friends.

  295. I found a cesspit in my garden & I didn’t know what to do with it. Now I am going to fill it with vintage glass cow eyeballs.

    Thank you!

    JallieDaddy recently posted Slug at first sight.

  296. I only own the e-book, I’d love a hard copy to adorn my shelves 🙂

  297. 298


  298. I knit socks.

  299. Im still trying to figure out a way to get that morphine drip. Ive always wanted to french kiss a unicorn…

  300. Did you find time to add fake eyeballs to the Wolf Blitzer hat I gave you? If so, please post a picture- I think it would be creepy cool.

    Also, I’ve added the audio book to my mother’s day wish list- that’s an appropriate gift, right? This UK version would fit right in with the rest of my collection so please pick me!

  301. 302
    jenn dewhirst

    Thank you for the opportunity to win a BRITISH copy of your amazingly hilarious book. I have recommended it to all the readers I know. If you included a vintage glass cow eyeball with the book, I could check that off my bucket list, too.

  302. I let Jesus take the wheel this morning….he ran into a mailbox and didn’t leave a note. Asshole.

  303. I have only ever used one glass eyeball in my life. And it was thrown at someone. It wasn’t his, although that would make this funnier. Just in case you were wondering, it wasn’t mine either.

  304. There’s room for 3 bodies under my bed. The OCD cat. The reformed feral scaredy cat. And the cat-shaped body of fur shed by the previously mentioned cats. All three hang out there regularly. Inexplicably, there is also a half-deflated beach ball under there too.

    alison recently posted It's one of those days.

  305. 306
    Tiffany S

    glass cow eyeballs. LOL! i don’t even know what to say

  306. Oh, how I love you and your blog and your book! I will warn others that reading this book (which I borrowed, so I would love a copy of my very own) in pulic is dangerous! People look at you oddly if you snort loudly and laugh til tears run down your face in public! Jus sayin!

  307. My grandpa has a glass eyeball. He was shot in the Korean War. Let me tell you, it was quite terrifying as a child to stumble upon his spare eyeballs in a drawer while playing!! Makes you think your grandparents are like serial killers or something!!

  308. 309

    Are we talking CAT bodies under the bed, or HUMAN bodies? That makes a difference.

    And yes, I am a shameless book-wanting ho.

  309. OK, I didn’t do it out loud because I am at work. But in my head, my accent was sexy as hell if not completely Brit.
    And I have an eye tattooed on my back so clearly I should get in on this.
    Oh also, in middle school when they made us dissect a cow’s eye, I remember saying that it was just like one of those cherry cordial chocolates and my lab partner thinking I was an idiot.
    So there, all of that was even sort of on topic….

  310. 311
    laura king

    My husband recently shattered 2 very old antique glass eyeballs on our kitchen floor, and I got the glass stuck in my toe. So, my favorite toe, the big one, actually had a glass eyeball in it.


  311. 312

    If I get picked, I’ll try to send you a pic of the taxidermy albino muskrat that stared at me through most of my teen years. If mom still has it. Oh, what the hell, if she still has it, I’ll send you a picture anyway. I already bought the book. 🙂

  312. I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen on this blog when your daughter starts dating someday. I just have a feeling that her family’s going to make quite the impression. Also, I’ve been inspired to make incredibly odd things for dollhouses. Thank you.

    Brooke recently posted Confucibunneh on Layers.

  313. Glass eyeballs of any variety (unicorn, cow, mermaid) come in handy anytime inlaws are around. Or house guests…who doesn’t want a glass mermaid eyeball under their pillow (for good luck, of course)?

    Jess recently posted I'm Too Lewd for Google...Mwahahahaha.

  314. When I was a little girl I had a reoccurring nightmare that I was walking down a long road with my two sisters and I would then suddenly fall into a giant pit filled with snakes. My sisters would look down the hole at me and laugh then walk off. Oddly I never developed a fear of snakes, but I have always been suspicious of my sisters when I see them laughing.

  315. how much hummus is too much hummus in one sitting? and why do some British people say noigh instead of no? please pick me so I can hollow out my US copy & fill it with other existential questions like the ones above instead of cocaine, since you apparently aren’t including any.

    Bernadette recently posted DIY Paper Rosettes.

  316. Not sure the total number of bodies that could fit under my bed, but I know both of my cats and me can fit under there when I’m trying to chase them out to go to the vet!

  317. One of my relatives has a glass eye. I already bought the book but since my husband is a little nuts we “need’ this edition too. 😀

    Trudi recently posted So... we're going to hell....

  318. I don’t have a name for my favorite body part, but let’s call it Beaker. I’ll let you figure out what it is.

  319. I can wiggle my ears. My sister says it is because I haven’t evolved.

    I have a favourite freckle. It is on my right shoulder.

    I wash my hair approximately once a week, and it is magical hair.

    I have a laugh so pronounced that you can almost picture a speech bubble with very bold Ha. Ha. Ha’s. coming out of it.

    I’d love to read your book, because I suspect it will be one of the rare ones I’ll actually finish.

    Having your autograph in it would just make it all the more spectacular.


    Jennifer Mae Bennett recently posted I should join movie popcorn addicts anonymous..

  320. Lobster nipples.

  321. You are awesomesauce!!

  322. 323
    Laura Beth

    Yay for extra chapter! Here’s something you should know – Wil Wheaton is now one of my most favorite people on the planet, and not being a Star Trek fan (Star Wars forever!), I first heard about him here on this little website of yours. The world works in mysterious ways. (You are one of my very favorite people, too!)

  323. I can’t fit any “LIVING” human bodies under my bed but lots and lots of cats, bugs, rodents and of course monsters could fit under there, too many to count really

  324. 325
    Amy Gibson

    I don’t know how many bodies I can fit under my bed. It sits too low to fit those underbed storage thingies underneath it and that hurts my feelings. I guess it would depend on what body types and how you butcher them. I could probably fit a gaggle of supermodel parts, but not so many Michael Moores. Ooooh! Weekend project!

  325. 326

    I’m afraid to go out the front door. I suspect I will be attacked by a horde of tiny knomes. They are mad because I call them elves, but what else can I do? My 88 year old mom thinks they’re elves. She did so want an elf garden so I made her one… Sort of.

  326. I don’t know anything about glass cow eyes, but in college I had to dissect a real sheep’s eye, and it bounced out of our tray, across the table, and onto the floor, where it proceeded to roll away in a manner that convinced me it was possessed by the spirit of every cartoon, ever. It was horrifyingly hilarious even to me, the vegetarian for I-prefer-my-animals-fluffy-and-frolicking reasons.
    To top it all off, the eye was wide open, bright blue, and still had all its eyelashes. Seriously. I lived a cartoon life for five minutes.

  327. 328

    I have a pet goldfish named Sushi…

    Also, I would really love to win one of the UK version books.

  328. My grandfather had a glass eye, so he might have been able to use a replacement glass cow eye — in a pinch. But I can definitely use a copy of your book for complete enjoyment.

  329. 330
    Flatlander In Vermont

    The answer is always 42 😛 The question is what is the question.

  330. Just have to say, Love your book! My mother-in-law could use a few glass eyeballs I think…..she has a friend called Fritz, who’s a mannequin, and some real eyes would definitely get some attention! We’d just have to perform a minor surgery to get them in there 😉 And I’m pretty sure I can fit about 6 mini bodies under my bed, lol. The kids have all of this extra room when they crawl underneath it to hide.

  331. You really are my tribe. One day, I want to hide under a table with you and play some old white wolf games and roll for our taxidermied friends and/or glass figurines while drinking posh tea.

  332. I read this in Neil Gaiman’s voice.

    I think I’m going to start reading EVERYTHING in Neil Gaiman’s voice.

    Evelyn recently posted Seven Ways to Sell Paper Books to the Ebook Crowd.

  333. I am a high school French teacher and am crawling towards the finish line of this school year. I would love an autographed copy if your book. I own a hardback version.

    Thank you for being the leader to our tribe. We love you!

  334. 335
    Kristine S.

    I woke up thinking about the movie “No Way Out” with Kevin Costner. And I got to thinking, what did they d this movie in Russia? I mean the big reveal at the end is Kevin speaking Russian therefore revealing that he was the Russian spy. If the movie was dubbed in Russian then how did they show that he was speaking actual Russian? This is the stuff that I wake up thinking about.

  335. I like the UK cover! Also why do they change that stuff like te British don’t know that the book was already released and that it had a great cover jacket already…

  336. 337
    Leandra Walls

    I loaned my book to a friend that never returned it 🙁

  337. I have an answer to the “How Many Bodies Can you Fit Under Your Bed?” question.

    Conversation I had with Taylor Swift*:

    Me: Taylor, are you boy crazy?
    Taylor: NO! Don’t be silly. If I was boy crazy I would have to have like ANOTHER ex-boyfriend under my bed. And that would make like 5 of them under there. I am pretty sure 4 is the max that will fit under my bed.

    SEE? She totally knew the answer.

    *I am like 90% positive this conversation really happened, and it was not a dream. Okay maybe more like 80%. 70%? Ummm, maybe more like 50%. 50%-ish.

    Jess recently posted Welcome to My Fifteen [CRASH!]… Uh, TEN Minutes of Fame!.

  338. 339
    Tracee Steele

    Why don’t they make a grandmother’s day card that says..” We love you even if you’re the not so cool and fun grandma. And sometimes you are discouraging. But you are a good gardener. ??

  339. I coul possibly fit 3 bodies under my bed. It is all about presentation.

  340. I don’t really have a favorite toe, but I do have two least favorites. Those are the ones on the outside edge of my feet. The pinky toes, I guess? I don’t care enough about them to even know what their proper names are. All I know is that, at this point in my life, the only cosmetic surgery I would consider having is to get them removed so I don’t bang them into furniture anymore.

  341. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to have one – I’ve been buying and handing your books out to friends and family since it first came out 🙂

  342. 343

    The number of glass eyeballs someone needs in their lifetime can be calculated using this simple formula

    #eyes = number of cats owned * how cute you thought their names were + number of trips to rattlesnake farms as a child – number of trips to the morgue + number of cars with a stickshift driven in – the number of them that were Volvos

  343. I haven’t seen my man for 3 weeks – I need a distraction!

  344. I just got a blue Jeep TJ and I am totally naming her Jenny . . . partly after you, because you are awesome and partly after Jenny from Dr. Who (the doctor’s daughter who died but didn’t really die and then flew away in a space ship) cause she is awesome too, and you know that someday she will be back!

    Nicki recently posted Baking Bread.

  345. In my family freckles are called “pretzels” and we have pretzel-eating parties. It gets really interesting when my kid goes to kindergarten and tries to explain our inner jokes!!

  346. In a former life I was drug addicted super model who liked to dress her pet chicken in a costume and walk him around town pretending to speak French (the chicken, not me was bilingual) while randomly asking people if they knew the way to San Jose.

  347. 348

    My pinky toe is my least favorite, for some reason it either sits lower on my foot or it is just disproportionately small but because of this it looks like I am missing part of my toe.

  348. My favorite toe actually has a pet name. I call her Cletus.

    Maggie recently posted Dinner is served.

  349. I just want to hear more about the huge metal rooster.

  350. I should definitely get one because I still use the phrase “Pony Danza” on a regular basis – and everyone in my house understands the reference 🙂

  351. I would love my own copy of your book! Can you also get me a copy of “Bone Quill”? The website I got the first in the series is out of stock.

  352. 353
    Facetious Black

    Devil Bunny needs a ham. He thinks reading this book will help him get one.

  353. 354

    I love your tribe! I’ve never felt so at home. I don’t know how many bodies will fit under my bed but I still want to be entered into the contest.

  354. I’m hiding in my bathroom from the small army of minions running around my house. Please send me a book to read while I’m trapped in here.

  355. I got a new kitten today… his name is Leviathan. If I could attach a picture to this comment I would because he is utterly adorable!!! Anyhow… thanks for being you because that shit is awesome!!!

    Annette DiGiacomo recently posted My return…..

  356. As a proud member of the tribe, I would be happy to win a eyeball or a book or pretty much anything you’re willing to part with. But especially the book.

  357. I am pretty hilarious in my own head, but it would seem I don’t have anything funny or interesting to say today. I am dreading summer because I hate, absolutely hate, shaving my legs. How’s about that??
    Oh, and Beyonce. I flippin’ love Beyonce, and his stories. Beyonce is funny stuff; pure roll on the ground, tears running down my face comedy.

  358. Today I ate way too many pretzels.

  359. wellll it’s not a glass cow eyeball… but what the hell, put me in the drawing!!!

    Mona recently posted And now one of my boobs is flatter then the other… thanks a lot Victoria Secret!.

  360. Glass eyeballs fascinate me. How in the world do those things stay in there? If your muscles are strong enough to hold it in place, how are they delicate enough not to break it? I JUST DON’T GET THEM!!!

    Regular Cinderella recently posted Day One.

  361. 362
    Joshua Penrod

    Insert funny laugh worthy comment here.

  362. Was thinking about the bodies… Probably 12 3/4. I’m pretty sure I can’t fit more than that. But I’d probably need some superglue to keep them together, so they don’t start falling apart. I don’t think Elmer’s would work very well. Maybe we should google “what best to glue dead bodies together” and see what google comes up with.

    Carol recently posted Why and how to blog.

  363. OMG, I would love to win one because I bought a bookcase but all I have are Kindle books and the Kindle doesn’t fill up the bookcase very well, leaving way too much wood to dust. So, spare me some dusting and help me fill my new bookcase?

  364. Awesome. I’d love a british version of one of my favorite books.

  365. 366
    Emily Rose

    My new married name is awesome because it sounds like a Disney name but also it’s from a horror movie 🙂

  366. I like you because we went to the same college, so now I feel like I’m cooler than other people who want to UT.

  367. Fantastic font on the book! Last night I asked my 15 year old daughter to stop what she was drawing and to draw a unicorn and girl kissing. I told her it was for you. She rolled her eyes at me and said “That’s not funny Mom”. So sad. I wonder when she became so serious.

    I wonder if looking at a box of glass cow eyeballs would make me dizzy?

  368. I’ve been wanting this book since you first released it but I can’t afford it due to needing to pay for the new human I appear to be growing. Clearly I need this book to make sure the baby has the right influences in its life, like giant metal chickens and a taxidermied menagerie…

  369. Hmm…a copy of your book from across the pond…ok.

    Jackie recently posted Stuff that happened recently.

  370. I named a pair of tango shoes “The Fassbenders”, thanks to a friend of mine’s creativity, my tendency to name everything, and lots of booze. The heel on the shoes is big……

  371. 372
    tiffany jones

    I love your blog and have your book on my to read list. I don’t have a witty comment of my own, that is why I read your writings!

  372. Cow eyeballs, maybe one set and an extra just in case!

  373. Want. signed. book!

  374. 375
    Tatia Johnson

    I have the audiobook so I would love an actual paper copy to see the pics (and new chapter.)
    Our bed has drawers underneath. Probably only 1 body would fit & it would have to be cut up into pretty small pieces.
    On the other hand, we used to keep ferrets & unbeknownst to us, the female was using the space in between where the drawers didn’t meet on the inside as a “nest.” When we moved, we found ALL sorts of things under there including what must have been an entire box of frosted flakes cereal. She had her own box in the cabinet and would steal them one flake at a time. We thought she ate them, but no.
    I’d say 8 or 10 weasels could fit under the bed in that space, easily.

  375. Well, I DID call my breasts “haikus” yesterday on someone else’s blog. It was a proud moment for me, indeed.

    I want the British version of the book. Do I need to speak British to read it, ya think? Should I look into foreign language classes now?

    Misty recently posted Cooking by Numbers.

  376. This Comment Was Brought To You By The Letter X And A NeW Prescription For Celexa

  377. Today I read a story about a lady who found a FROG in her can of green beans and my first thought was, “God! It’s really too bad it wasn’t Jenny who found that. She would have been so happy. Finally, a dead, free animal to dress up.” I was picturing a “Froggy goes a’courting” theme which tells me I have clearly thought way too much about this.

    Joanna recently posted Just another week in...well, you know the rest..

  378. Let’s pretend this did happen and I won the book. I’m now pretend jumping for joy and pretend popping open champaign. But I want to live in the real world so let’s make that happen!

  379. Do dead dust bunnies under the bed count as bodies? Or do they have to be dead real bunnies? I don’t think I have any dead real bunnies–although I haven’t checked lately. But I’m pretty sure I have at least four score and seven dead dust bunnies in the guest room alone. I’m afraid to look under any of the other beds.

  380. Yes please !

  381. 382
    Amanda Cruz

    I really think the amount of glass cow eyeballs one can really use in a lifetime depends on how large their glass vase is. Just think about it, a beautiful bouquet in a glas vase filled with glass cow eyeballs. Talk about a conversation starter!

  382. I’m wearing a pink tiara at the moment. And I’m totally rocking it.

  383. I am somewhat lacking in knowledge of glass eyeballs, but one time my Grandma took out her dentures in Meijer and demanded the stock person hold them while she tried out a new type of denture glue. You are both my heros for being so awesome. (Also I was doing some of my usual contemplation about unicorns while writing this, and now all I can think of is unicorns with dentures.)

  384. I can’t fit any people under my bed….except the little tiny people that live in the heating vents. My house is fairly old and I hear them all the time so I know they live in there. You could probably fit a whole city of them under my bed. I have an old jewelry box under there, I am sure they will love making things like a chair for their king from my old necklaces and earrings.

    I enjoy your blog a lot and your twitter account. Thanks for being the weirdest most awesome you that you can be.

  385. I like all my toes, equally. I’m thinking we could hide maybe 4 dead bodies under the bed, providing they are skinny bodies.
    Thank you for making some of my work days not so dreary.

  386. I saw a raccoon last night when I came home from work at 1am. Immediately I thought of “Raccoons wearing jams”. I laughed so hard he started to run away, stopping every couple hops to look back at me. I apologize to the neighborhood for cackling so loudly.

  387. My partner is my favorite first responder for somnambulism. Last night I apparently woke him up by standing over him and stating, “there are TWO snakes in the bed.” He told me this morning that, after soothing me back to sleep, his half dozing brain decided there may actually be snakes in the bed. He had to do a full covers check before getting back to sleep himself.

    He totally deserves a book.

  388. 389
    Shawna Biccum

    The fact that we both share a very scary obsession with Doctor Who should automatically make me a winnner. 🙂

    And, I read everything in a British accent.

  389. I just watched a video of a chef breaking down an entire lobster.

    Lobsters look like giant bugs to me, and I could never eat one.

    At least, not if it looked lobster-y. If it were cut up into little pieces and looked NOTHING like a lobster, I could probably eat it.

    But then there’s the remote chance that I’m allergic to it. Actually, that chance isn’t terribly remote. I have 2 younger sisters who are deathly allergic to lobsters. And shellfish. And bees. So, unless someone’s got an epipen on them, I would hope they didn’t hide bits of lobster in my food.

  390. 391
    Landis Loftin

    This book is my favorite read for, we’ll, I don’t know. Maybe forever. I have recommended it to a buch of people and all of them love it and have raved about it to others. The problem is that in little Willow, Alaska, I am afraid someone is going to kidnap the book from the library. Just the other day I decided I needed to read it for the sixth time and it wasn’t there!! I was alarmed and I immediately realized that someone is going to abscond with this book. I will be left bereft. Any help would be appreciated. Ta! (Very British)

  391. My least favorite finger is my right ring finger. I smashed it in a door, lost the nail, had the nail sewed back on (ewwww) lost nail again….

  392. 393
    Lauren D

    THERE IS AN ANIMAL LIVING INSIDE MY BEDROOM WALL. I hear scratches constantly, especially at night, sometimes even when I play Taylor swift on pandora. I named the animal living in my wall Rambo, because judging by the sound level and amount of scratches there are, it must be some type of large animal. Quite possibly a raccoon or maybe even a pack of raccoons (do raccoons come in packs or heards? Maybe a flock of raccoons?) anyways, I named the animal living inside my bedroom wall Rambo because at the time, I was reading the chapter in your book about your Rambo who used to was soap bars in the sink. Maybe it’s your Rambo who is living inside my wall….

  393. I’ve had a prosthetic eye since i was 5, so I already have like, half a dozen of those things sitting in a drawer at home. I would say your estimate of around a dozen is pretty accurate for the number an average person might need in a lifetime. Good job.

  394. I rather like all my toes. I can’t quite imagine trying to balance with any of them missing. But I specifically enjoy my pinkie toe, because it has a tiny, little, barely-there toenail that it’s pretty much impossible to get nail polish to stay on.

  395. 396
    Rheannon Jahnsen

    I don’t much care for taxidermy but my nephew went to school for it. 🙂

  396. I am distracted by how much I love the font of the title for the paperback. I’m disappointed in myself for being so font-focused.
    But then I think about how the words “cow eyeballs” would look in that font and feel like I’m back on topic again.

  397. I read magazines from the back cover, working my way forward. Does anyone else do that?

  398. I would love to win 🙂

  399. There are many variables to consider when calculating the approximate number glass eyeballs a person would use in a lifetime. How responsible is the owner of said glass eye? Is this person a roller coaster enthusiast? (Apparently this is a frequently lost item according a ride operator I talked to.) How late in life did the need for the glass eye occur? Does this person own cats? There are endless ways to lose/break a glass eye, especially if you are as clumsy and forgetful as me. My answer to the question, and all math problems I can’t figure out….42.

  400. My family goes through an oddly disproportionate amount of glass eyes.

  401. 402
    Hailey Fish

    I’d love to win! Thanks for the opportunity! 🙂

  402. 403

    I love you. And bacon.

  403. I covet your taxidermied menagerie. I once found some taxidermied mice wearing a Pope costume and also wings and some flying bats but they were ridiculously expensive. Live mice are like $2 but dead mice are over $100. Srsly.

    Sad panda.

    Katherine recently posted Degrees of Separation. Or the Best Celebrity Sighting Ever. Ever!!.

  404. One day my husband and I were in a farm store and there was Rascal Flatt’s song playing over the system. I heard, “Your daddy won’t mind if we slip in a fondle” and I blurted that out. My husband stared at me and said, “No, it’s your daddy won’t mind if we save him a bundle.”

    Also I once said something about eating my own poop in reference to a pug meme I saw on the Interwebz. It sounded like I was talking about eating my poop, when in fact, I was talking about the dog. People heard. And they stared. I only admit things like this on your blog. It’s like a confessional.

    Allison recently posted Author Interview & Giveaway with Samantha Holt.

  405. At first I was excited thinking that you actually had a box of glass cow eyeballs because then I could ask where you got them. You see, about 20 years ago I was in high school and really liked cows. One day my dad picked me up from school and he saw the carousel horses that some kids in a woodworking class were making. He decided that we should make a cow. So we did. Only we just used plain white marbles for the eyes. And now everyone who sees the cow is freaked out by the eyes.

    You also mention toes… my 2.5 year old son says “toe paste” instead of toothpaste.

    And finally, I’m an anglophile, so I would love a British copy of your book!

  406. I nicknamed my breasts Debbie and LaDonna. For Christmas one year, my boyfriend wrote me a little punk ditty about them. He is the best.

  407. How’s Beyonce doing? Did his leg get fixed?

  408. The number of bodies that fit under a bed is directly proportionate to how small you cut them up.

  409. 410
    Sue In Minocqua

    I was telling my cousin about your blog. She doesn’t have the internet, but it turns out she is reading your book. Turns out, we are more alike than we thought. Yay to you! Bringing families together and all. You must be so proud! One of these days she will get on the internet if there’s a non-seizure inducing method for her to do so. One day I will finally make it to the top of the waiting list at the library for your book. Or I could win one, which would be awesome. Because I know about 10 other people that want to read it, but …huge waiting list at the library. And lack of money.
    So, cheers to you and fingers crossed for me

  410. I’ve been up for almost 30 hours, and I’m holding an infant.

  411. 412

    If you send me a copy, then it’s your fault not mine that I stayed up all night reading it.

    BTW, what is different between the US and UK versions?

  412. 413

    Pick me! Pick me! That is all

  413. So, my dad used to work for a medical devices and pharmaceuticals company. He specifically worked in sales for scalpels and syringes. And he would use cows eyes for demonstrations. So, you know, I grew up with boxes of these things just hanging around the house.

    Lauren recently posted Garden Dreaming.

  414. Was just sitting here thinking about all the things that can be done with a box of glass eyeballs! What fun! 😀

  415. I think the most interesting thing going on today for me is that my nine month old son just learned how funny it is when he farts. He giggles to himself EVERY time he lets one go. And I die laughing EVERY time. Everyone I know is working right now and unable to chat so you’re the first one who I can share this with. I can’t wait until my husband gets home and sees my son do it. He’ll think its hysterical.

    On another note, if you actually had glass cow eyeballs, you could have someone use them to put in a taxidermied animal that they don’t belong in. Like, how great would it be to have a taxidermied fish with big cow eyeballs instead of the normal boring fish ones? I’d love it. If I knew anyone who knew who to do that, I’d have them do that for me. Then I’d hang it up and take a picture and send it to you. But I don’t know anyone, so I guess you’ll just have to use your imagination.

  416. So I tried to find some data on the question of how many glass eyes a person might use in a lifetime. To figure it out you could theoretically divide the number of glass eyes in use by the total human population of the planet, giving you at least a rough estimate. Unfortunately, all I could dig up with any reliability is that Sammy Davis Jr. had one. (the left) I hope that information is useful to someone.

  417. Could I please have a book AND a glass eyeball? I need more weird shit on my desk at work. It would look great sitting next to my bow tie wearing miniature rubber chicken and my tiny paper Tardis.

  418. 419
    Sara Polk

    I don’t know how many bodies would fit under my bed, so instead I will just say something about my dog: he is very fluffy and licking the computer screen at the moment.

  419. I need one of those books… and also some glass eyeballs so I can leave them around the house to freak out my husband!

    Laura recently posted Well That Was a Disaster.

  420. Thank you for identifying the tribe. I think I could fit at LEAST 6 grown men under my bed, 10 if I chop them up first. I don’t have pet names for any body parts, but I think my leg is haunted.

    Cassie recently posted wordless wednesday.

  421. Have you ever wondered how many peg legs a regular pirate would go through in a lifetime?

    Just wondering…

    Carol recently posted Why and how to blog.

  422. I had a friend whose sister had a glass eye. She used to pop it out for our entertainment whilst riding around their house on the back of their dog, (a black labrador called Goneril), wearing a vest & pants and a motorbike crash helmet.

    (That image is way funnier in British than it is in American).

    Also, I offer you this: British national treasure Clare Balding in conversation with 3 taxidermists on a walk in West Yorkshire. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01mwzwb. I’m not sure if they discuss Dr Who.

  423. I have an entire shelf of weird at my desk at work now. It is all your fault. Thank you for encouraging me to embrace my weird and ridiculous through all that you do.

    melistress recently posted You Don’t Own Me.

  424. It’s snowing. Again. Today. May 1st. In fact, we had at least one solid winter snow storm each week all through April and apparently May wants to join in. Gah! Maybe if everyone I know reads your book and we all laugh-til-we-cry, the weather gods will be nice and send us some spring?

  425. 426
    Megan Ratchford

    It’s May 1st and we have a blizzard that should dump 8-12″ of snow on us. Spring in CO FTW!!!

    Plus, I want the book…

  426. You know those squishy eyeballs you can buy at Halloween…well, don’t throw them at an acoustic tile ceiling. Trust me…I learned the hard way 🙂

  427. My almost five year old had his first karate lesson yesterday, and I think it might have been the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me.

  428. I have been a fan since Beyoncé came around. Every once in awhile when I’m having a bad day I go back and read that one again, it always makes me laugh. Knock knock motherfucker!

  429. I can tell you exactly how many bodies I can fit under my bed….. my ferrets hide them there every day. I have beaver bodies, and chicken bodies, and sheep bodies.

  430. 431

    I want one of the new Jonny Justice Gund toys. I’d post a pic, but I’m computer lame so I can’t. Jonny is one of the dogs that was rescued from Michael Vick’s house of horrors. He’s going to be a totally adorable Gund stuffed pit bull complete with one pink and one black ear. Cutie patootie!

    As a backup, a signed copy of your book would be AWESOME though!


  431. I totally want to win. Mostly because I was yelled at for writing on an old envelope today. Because you know,
    you need to re-use it.

  432. I work at an Amish travel agency and I have it on good authority that they (the Amish) wouldn’t use glass cow eyeballs. Also, I would love to have a copy of this book because a) I could really use a win–believe, Amish travel agency is not nearly as glamorous as it sounds– and b) I’ve been told I’m boss at reading Harry Potter aloud, so I’m assuming I would be equally awesome at reading your book!

  433. I have one of those beds with drawers underneath. You’d think the drawers would extend all the way to the middle of the bed, but they don’t, so I have this long narrow gap down the middle of my bed. I could totally stash a body there (or maybe a stack of 3 bodies), and no one would know! I guess it would get kinda stinky, but having no sense of smell, it wouldn’t bother *me* one bit. I’ll just blame it on the chicken skin I discarded in the trashcan a few days ago.

  434. I’d really like to win, but I don’t speak UK. Will there be an American version?

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted How Long Can I Milk This Bar Scene? - The Golden Parachute Continues!.

  435. I once broke my favorite toe, Pinky, running from my uncle Frank. He was chasing me with his glass eyeball…although it was not a ball at all, it was a curved piece of glass with an eyeball on it….ewwww, run!

  436. After two years of trying to get pregnant and three months of NOT having a period, I found out today that I’m not pregnant. I need a win. Downer? Sorry. :-/

    Homegirl Quel recently posted Shot@Life Champion Spotlight: Autism Mom Supports World Immunization.

  437. Just so you know, you have totally ruined knock knock jokes for me. Cause as soon as any one says “Knock Knock” I shout Motherfucker and laugh like a crazy person. Your book might help me over come this problem. At least give me something else to laugh about but then people still wouldn’t know what I was laughing about, so they would still think I am crazy, but really I am a little crazy so that part doesn’t bother me at all. Actually, I am a lot crazy but I don’t let it show. Anyway, I want to win a free book. Thank you.

  438. …I’m 30 weeks pregnant with twins and 30 weeks without anti-depressants…in need of some reading that will make me feel like someone else is having a shittier time than me…

    JW Young recently posted Pinched Under the Table.

  439. I sadly have nothing amusing to say 🙁

  440. How bout a joke? Where do you find a no-legged dog? Right where you left him.

  441. I am having wine for lunch. If you were here I would pour you a big glass, and we could wine together. Or I could win your book and giggle all lunch long. ~cheers

  442. I love that during my 4 year old’s parent-teacher conference, my daughter’s teacher had already read your book, but knew nothing of the blog. I also love that my friend, for whom I bought your book, read it in less than a week then gave it to me so I could read the extra chapter.

  443. I could fit six human bodies under my bed, but at present the only one that needs to be there is that of the woman I share an office with, so that I cab dispatch her ridiculous yappy little Cavachon dog (Queen Boo Boo. No, really) and have it stuffed, so that it can finally do something useful and serve as a coffee holder for me. Harsh? Maybe. Fair? I think so. Of course, I could avoid all this if I had a jar of glass eyes. Or a new book to read…

  444. To the queastion: How many glass eyeballs can you use in a lifetime?

    My answer: Probably 20,000 or so. I tend to get carried away when I buy something and I could post photos of my 500,000 (probably close to an accurate count…they were bargains afterall) buttons, my 7500 record albums (except I already copied them to disk and tossed the real things as they took up a full 10×10 storage building), my 12,000 8 tracks (except see above). I’ll almost stop there, but you can add just about anything else I run across at auction where you bid $5 for the entire table! I am downsizing though.:)

    So, no number is too big when I come across something I think I might need someday.

    Eyeballs? Probably not, but you never can tell.

    I would love an autographed copy of your book though to give to my daughter who is your #1 fan (I’m a close second).


  445. The rectal temperature of a three toed sloth is usually between 28 C and 32 C. If you take the temp for a week that is average. I don’t recommend it, though.

  446. 447
    Shannon S.

    Oh bloody hell, I need to win this.

  447. 448
    Shannon S.

    Oh bloody hell, I need to win this.

  448. 449
    carey gibson

    Pick me! Pick me! My daughter who is eight loves your book (she is permitted to read select sections so long as she pronounces inappropriate language correctly) and I will give it to her for her birthday. 🙂 She calls you the “let’s pretend lady”.

  449. 450
    Johanna J

    I bought your hardcover, the kindle version, and the paperback, I would LOVE to add the UK version to my collection!

  450. 451

    I need to practive my British accent.

    PS Kara #54 gotta ask – did your office fit glass eyes for cows? (since you didn’t do them for people that is)*wink*

  451. The number of bodies I could fit under my bed would depend on how they were arranged and if stacking in layers was allowed. Arranged vertically, I could probably fit three adults under there. Horizontally, I could probably get four in there. If they were arranged like the lattice top of an apple pie, I could probably fit 7 under my double-size bed. The bed frame belonged to my great-grandmother.

  452. Macaroni and cheese rules!

  453. My question with the glass cow eyes are how durable are they? The reason I ask is because one of my cats (the one that gets upset if I step outside even for five minutes) thinks that everything that rolls is a cat toy. So how many eyeballs would I need to keep him happy for a year?

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Beltane 2013 (Tarot Blog Hop).

  454. Saw it at the Tattered Cover bookstore the other day!

  455. 456

    eeeeeeeee! This would make me very happy! I was in hysterics in public settings while reading edition 1. Does this have bonus chapter?

  456. Thank God you aren’t sending eyeballs!!! LOL!

  457. My first job was capping cherry bombs in the garage with my father, who then sold them to the mob. As I got older he down-scaled the operation to just selling to neighborhood twenty-somethings, and I graduated to fusing by high school. I need this book to remind me that compared to some, my childhood was perfectly normal.

  458. My dad actually wrote “Who Let The Dogs Out” in the ’80s. Except that in his version there was more swearing, less rhyming, and I was grounded in the end. Also instead of it being dogs, it was llamas. But that’s a different story.

  459. I’m totally in your tribe. Last Christmas I gave my husband the tiny Beyonce replica — wrapped in a small box, inside of a bigger box, inside of a giant box. When he opened the first box and saw the 2nd one, there was a note that said “Knock, knock…” The 3rd box had a note saying “Perspective. Now you have it.” By the time he got to the (tiny) Big Metal Chicken, I was dying. Our kids kept saying, “What? What? What’s so funny? I don’t get it…” which only made us laugh harder. Best Christmas present ever.

  460. According to my 11 year old son, the fact that it is raining is completely my fault. And the best use of his day is to make sure I know how much I screwed up his plans to play basketball with friends..

  461. I actually need a new copy of your book because I lent mine to one of the 5 3/4 cool people I know (not to be confused AT ALL with the 10 2/3 bodies that would fit under my bed) and unless I use my favorite body part, Matilda, to intimidate the cool people and figure out who has it, I might not get to read your book myself for the 7th time. And that, my dear, would be a shame.

    Leslie F recently posted The judgement of her friends is coming; there’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t Stress – pass the TEST..

  462. I’m thinking one could probably use two glass eyeballs for each body stored under the bed, maybe a few more if you wanted to get really creative.

  463. 464
    John Kirkpatrick

    My Yorkie Katie forces herself between me and the remote control, my cell phone, and especially my tablet.
    Although she has GOT to know how much it annoys me, she puts her little doggie face right up close to mine to better stair into my eyes.
    I have not spent enough time with paper books to wonder if she is jealous of them as well.
    Fortunately, my wife thinks our sorted love affair is cute.

  464. Stuff and things.

  465. My favorite toe is my pinkie because when I break it (which is often), I don’t have to worry about painting the nail. Um, ew.

    My girls are George and Frank because men are boobs too.

    At most, 6 glass eyeballs. Unless you have kids, then double that for each child.

    Easily I could fit 6 bodies under my bed. My kids have that much of their shit under there.

  466. Proud member of The Tribe for 27 years. <3

  467. I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED your book and am anxiously awaiting your next one. I was going to hold my breath while I waited and I tried but failed. I read your book while waiting for my kids at various sports practices….well, that is when I started reading your book. I had to stop reading it in public because I was giggling at inappropriate moments and even snorted a few times :). I keep waiting to meet you in Eastern PA on a book tour so you can sign my copy. A mailed one ouls be a good consolation prize though….

  468. I want one! In the realm of British imports/exports, watch this; THIS is how reality talent competitions should be done! The Brits do it better:


  469. Bought the book. Love the blog. Would give the book to a friend if i won.

  470. If we are part of a tribe does that mean we can buy land and build a casino on it? Just imagine a Tribe Bloggess Casino and imagine all the taxidermists that would be employed!

  471. 472
    Maura Shine

    Oops….I read it with an Irish accent, sorry 😉

  472. I already have two copies of the hardback US version so I don’t really need another one. Unless this one has the extra chapter and then I totally want in. I can’t justify buying a third copy just for a chapter, even thought I really like you and have made everyone I know read this blog.

    Karen W recently posted Lazy, party of 1 checking in!.

  473. My almost 50 year old teddy bear has glass eyes, but they’re not exactly eye balls. That makes sense, right?

  474. Have you sold enough books to be able to afford to send one to England? If so, pick me! If not, stop slacking.

  475. Someone posted this clip on my friend’s FB wall and it’s totally weird and cool and you might think so too. I mean, it’s not a box full of vintage glass cow eyeballs or anything, but I was still transfixed: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/81337824/

  476. I’d read that book with a Cockney accent. Stuff me ‘ead full wiff awll vat good readin’ wot you wrote.

    Zach recently posted Meet the Neighbours.

  477. 478
    Double LY

    Last week I read “Heart Shaped Box” because Wil Wheaton told me to. I almost shit my pants. Today I started “Still Missing” and it took approximately 3.2 pages to make me start freaking the f*#k out. Please send me a copy of your book so I have something to pick me back up the next time I decide to terrorize myself for 350+ pages.

  478. Hi Jenny! Please Enter me to win one of your books. I come to your blog and always get a laugh and something new to ponder. Winning a book would be even better- coz for now being only able to see you blog and not the whole book is like being late for a party and the door is locked but I can see a glimpse of all the fun I could be having (reading our book) through a curtained window (your blog). PS I tried to get my daughters baby rabbit stuffed until I found out it would cost $300 and possibly not even look like said bunny when finished coz of how stretchy their skin is…oh well…

  479. I’m not sure about my favorite toe, but my least favorite is the 4th… The one before the pinkie toe. Don’t know why; I just don’t like it.

  480. Ok I just finished season 5 of Doctor Who and WOW! Yeah yeah, I know I’ve still got a season and a half to go. As Riversong would say: Spoilers! And #10 will always be my fav.

  481. I came for the eyeballs, but I’m sticking around anyway. If you manage to pop one in the box with the book I won’t complain. 😉

    Danni recently posted Merry May Day.

  482. No bodies would fit under the bed. However, my house used to be a funeral home, so I could probably fit two dozen in the room that used to be the embalming room if I stack them like cord wood. More if the bodies are small, less if they rather large.

    Kelly recently posted Fractal No. 984.

  483. The only comment I can think to leave is that I wish I knew where to purchase a giant metal chicken just so I can leave it on my front porch and record my husbands reaction to see if its anywhere close to Victor’s!

  484. Loved the book! Read it at least twice, including one chapter out loud to my mother. I thought she was going to choke on her coffee. In a good way. Not that choking is good…. It was more like a burst of laughter mid-sip of coffee, causing coffee to go down the wrong pipe… Now I feel like I’ve over explained it… Anyway, I hope the book goes to somebody who hasn’t had a chance to read it yet! They’ll love it!

    maginthewild recently posted In an attempt to suck out the poison….

  485. I WANT TO WIN!!!! Just so I can read this book in a British accent!!!!!

  486. Pick me, pick me! It’s raining so hard right now that water is flowing under the back door into my living room. An autographed copy of your book would make this a non-issue, because then I’d be busy reading it all again and not distracted by the water.

  487. I just give a copy to my grandmother for her 79th birthday. I’ve always has a sneaking suspicion that we are the leaders of the tribe in our family. The rest of them pretend to be far too normal!

    I can’t wait to hear what she says. She’ll either tell my husband to commit me or officially announce me her favorite.

  488. You told me I could discuss anything . . .
    I was contemplating this just the other night: “What makes some men sluttier than others?” Although I don’t yet have the science to back it up, I think I might have the answer . . . penis size. Maybe it’s my average sized penis that has made me the morally righteous person that I am today? Would I be a stereotypical man-whore if I had a bigger penis that I felt didn’t need to be hidden from the vast majority of the world? For instance, I would NEVER post a picture of my penis on the Internet or send it through a text message like so many do these days, but I don’t know how much of this is because I have a strong set of morals or a small penis.

    Tarl recently posted Unconscious Thoughts of an Asshole’s Mind.

  489. 490
    Caroline S.

    My husband got me my own giant metal rooster last year for my birthday, after I read him the Beyonce story. I named him (the rooster) Kanye (we share a birthday).

  490. Oh, pick me! Here is a picture of my future sister-in-law dressed as a unicorn making out with someone…I should have posted it when you made your request..but yeah, I’m lazy

  491. 492

    I am a mom of triplets and I would LOVE to find time to read your book if you send me one 🙂

  492. My dog Eli loves to leap around.

  493. I have a metal rooster, named Nathan Fillion. He holds twine while wearing Viking horns!

  494. 495

    There is a squirrel on my front porch taunting my indoor cat. It is funny.

    Also, if I were to win a glass cow eyeball, I would probably let my cats play with it.

  495. Eeeeeeeeeeeee! This would make me very happy! I was in hysterics in public settings while reading edition 1. Does this have bonus chapter?

  496. Thank you for bringing the tribe together.

  497. 1. Definitely the index (?) toe on my right foot. It’s straight, the nail always looks good, and it’s not as long as the big toe.
    2. Um, right and left? Happy place? Useless (if you’re talking about my left shoulder at the moment, 2 weeks and 1 day after surgery)?
    3. Um…if they’re HUMAN glass eyes…the average person would use 0, because the average person has both their eyes. If you’re you or my mother (well, she has glass hands and a head, does that count?)…32. So you can switch them out so they don’t fade or something.
    4. Definitely like…3 at least. It isn’t very high off the bed, but it’s 180cm by 200cm. Hooray, my last 3 months living in Europe?

    I’m rather wishing I hadn’t gone back to work before the end of the period the doctor told me I COULD stay home if I decided to do so. Work sucks. But I felt guilty that the people who were covering so I could stay home from work (and play computer games all day) were sleeping at work. So I went to work since I OBVIOUSLY can work on a computer since I played computer games all day and now I’m pissed because we finally have enough people to cover so she doesn’t have to stay at work all night but I can’t take the rest of that time because that’d be…well…wrong. Or something. GAH RESPONSIBILITY! WHY DO YOU SUCK?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?! FML. Or KMN. I don’t know which.

  498. 499
    LI Laura

    I love the font on the UK edition!!!

  499. my pinky toes are awesome because I have 2 separate nails on them. 2 teeny tiny nail beds on my one pinky toe. Evolution? why yes, I am an X-man.

  500. I’m having a sad right now, because our dog (i.e. our son) had cancer, and we had to put him down on Monday at 3:30am. Fuck cancer sideways. I could use a laugh now.

    Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. Anyone have a good fart joke to tell me to make me smile?

  501. 502
    Lisa Frazer

    Yay! I’d love a copy, you’re blog is one of the highlights of my day when a new post is made. 🙂

  502. The only things that fit under my bed are dust bunnies and lost television remotes.

  503. I totally need cow eyeballs. I’m glad you brought this to my knowledge.

  504. I call my left pinky “Evil” ever since I broke it. It won’t straighten out any more.

    KathrynR recently posted Spinach, Artichoke, Chicken, and Mushroom Alfredo Pasta.

  505. 506
    Allison Burroughs

    Glass eyeballs could definitely fit under my bed, no wait…you said bodies. Well You can never have enough bodies.
    I think if you wanted…you could fit at least 12 bodies under my bed…Obvioiusly you would have to go all American Psycho on them but it could fit. Then for flip sake we could throw like 1700 eyeballs under there.
    how do we feel about glass testicals, I can imagine there are a lot of those laying around too.
    I’m just sayin.

  506. 507
    ann raite

    I am finally starting my own business! My version of wearing a red dress. You have inspired me to stop being afraid of failure and what other’s think because while I may not be perfect I am awesomeriffic just the way I am.

  507. Bummed out about the cow eyeballs. However, my grandmother grew part of a testicle, later in life. Wouldn’t that have been so much more effective early on? I am fairly certain that is where I get my balls from.

  508. 509

    Pick me!
    This morning I peed in the shower. Which is a gross thing to do. Especially when you ate asparagus the night before. The steam makes it smell 100 time worse. Ew. Really bad way to start the day. I need a bewildering memoir to make things right. Well, right-ish. right-er?

  509. 510
    Tracey Edgar-Stubgen

    My favourite toe is the right middle one that is ‘stunted’ but you can’t tell until you cover up the others! (you asked:)

  510. I have one thumb shorter than the other one (not both on the same hand, I should clarify), but, I call my shorter thumb, “Nubby.” He likes it when I draw a face on him. His favorite is a pirate face-eye patch, etc.- and make him talk in a pirate “arrrrr” type of talk.

  511. I love Jenny, that is all.

  512. I could use a good pick me up. We are in the middle of house hell trying to get our ready to sell. A signed book would totally make me forget about this shit hole of a house.

  513. 514

    I think the best number of glass cow eyeballs is 7 (and I’m not saying that to be purposefully cliché, the things I do say to be purposefully cliché make sense to no one but me) but because the 7th of May is my birthday, and that’s in just a couple of days incase you lost your calendar with all those eyeballs…
    And the best birthday present – second to your next book coming out that day would be if you sent me a copy of the UK version of your book 🙂 Pretty please and dearest regards

    – the littlest ninja

  514. 515
    Jessica De Leon

    I’ll take autographed eyeballs, i’m not picky

  515. The pinkie toe. It doesn’t grow as fast and needs the least amount of nail polish. The other toes are just high maintenenace!

  516. You brighten my day all the time and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. Don’t ever stop what you do. You are the greatest!

  517. You perpetually make me snort with laughter at work, which is bad, because people often then ask me what’s so funny. Apparently not everyone thinks your as funny as I do, I suspect it’s because they are mentally deficient or have some other unfortunate birth defect. So it’s not really their fault. I bought my mom an ereader and gave her your book & she laughed so hard, she almost peed herself. 🙂

    I love you and I’m glad there’s a tribe for us.

  518. 519
    Kathy in STL

    I live in St. Louis and just recently discovered that Provel and provolone are two different types of cheeses. Like, Provel has provolone in it, but it also has some other cheeses in it too. I just thought someone got lazy and didn’t want to spell out provolone.

  519. 7…seven people fit under our bed.

  520. Banana hammock

  521. 522
    Alisha Parker

    I know that the bodies of four children can fit under my bed, along with a couple of pounds of cat hair and some pretzels that have probably been there for years.

  522. 523
    Emilie S

    I don’t think I have a favorite toe, but I feel bad for my left pinkie toe, as it gets a bit squished under its neighbor. I’m fascinated that the nail grows a little to the outside. Not so much that you’d really notice, but if you knew the toe like I do, you’d see it’s having to adjust, like a smaller tree reaching out from the shade of a taller one to get some sunshine…

  523. Victor is my hero.

    David M. Crampton recently posted Exiled and Exploring.

  524. My favorite color is orange, and my current hobby is nail polish. I love all your taxidermied (is that a word?) animals!

  525. Bingle bongle dingle dangle yickity do yickity dah ping pong lippy toppy too tah!

  526. Since fish don’t have eyelids, what do they do to remove fish food or poop if it gets stuck on it’s eye?

  527. 528
    Kimberly T.

    The other day, whilst camping with some Cub Scouts we were talking about how there was a creature trouncing around the woods. I told the boys it had have been a Chupacabra. Growing up in West Texas, I am well aware of the dangers of the Chupacabra; We live in Tennessee now and all the boys, mine included, thought I was making it up. My husband and some of the other adults thought it was hilarious. My husband whispered “You should have said ‘Chalupa’, instead.”

    Jenny, you make our everyday lives bearable. You are often quoted in this household; no worries, I edited the best excerpts (ie: all) for the children.

  528. If I were to get a kanji tattoo it wouldn’t say “peace” or “hope” it would say “diarrhea” to celebrate my anxiety disorder induced IBS. And because it would be hysterical.

    Also, you rock.

    Karen recently posted Super Duper Uncomfortable. And Honest. And Dare I Say…Brave..

  529. CAN”T WAIT… I’ve reccomended this book to EVERYONE I know. It’s the BEST!

  530. Pick me pick me 🙂 Your blog gets me thru the week!

  531. I heard about your book, then I started following your blog. I have it on my GoodReads list, but alas, I have not read the book yet. If I win a copy, I would love it and squeeze it and call it George.

  532. My right big toe is my favorite. It’s the only one I haven’t had broken in the past in some sory of accident due to clumsiness or horses stepping on my feet.

  533. Glass cow eyeballs… Now I’m ruminating on if there are vets who specialize in teaching eyesocket Kegels to keep the bloody things in…. Not bloody in the graphic sense, but seemed like a nice ‘Brit’ thing to say in celebration of your UK printing.

  534. 535
    Charlotte Angharad

    I wonder when my 3 year old will understand why “But I’m so tired!” is not a valid argument against going to bed. Also, my 1 year old squeals with delight when I take her into a shoe store. She’s going to need a dedicated shoe closet by the time she’s a teenager.

  535. OK, here’s my comment: As a cat lover you’ll enjoy this: http://rhymeswithorange.com/files/2013/05/takeyourcattoworkday_website-1024×472.jpg
    <3 Rhymes With Orange!

  536. Hi there! I like to read your blog when I should be working. I read the excerpt from your book from when you used to work in HR and snorted (loudly) with laughter (again, at work). Also, I’m looking for our next house and it’s slowly driving me out of my mind so if I could win a copy of your book, I’d be much obliged.

  537. 538
    Kerri Lynn

    Are you talking about frenching a unicorn bc you are jealous that Victor has Beyonce? Has she found a place to call her own at your new place?

  538. 539
    Shannon Trainor

    you had me at “read this in a sexy British accent” and I promise to do that in my head with the entire book 🙂 I would love a copy if you have it to spare for the likes of me..

  539. 540
    Jessica H

    Today when my daughter was pooping, she asked me to shake her to make more poopoo come out.

  540. I would love a copy of you UK version to read while in the UK.

    Thank you for making depression & anxiety easier for “normal” people to understand!

  541. My grandmother had a friend with a glass eye. She would pop it out at random and it freaked me out to no end. However, it didn’t freak me out enough to not ask her to do it again.

  542. My good friend has a glass eye because his cousins were throwing broken shards of glass at each other when he was eight and he got hit in the eye. He has a completely different appreciation for the saying “it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye”.

    Kristie C recently posted Science is Real!.

  543. 544
    Lisa Ruddy

    For the love of god, let me have one. if I can’t have Tom Selleck then I should at least get this book. Please, I’m begging you.

  544. I’m procrastinating on my thesis by watching YouTube videos and reading blogs. Obviously, re-reading your book with the extra chapter would be a far better use of my time!

  545. came to your book signing in KC..where my book was autographed to Christine:)…so maybe I could get a replacement-Crystle 🙂

  546. Omg omg omg me me me! I’ve listened to the audio book about fifty-eleven times! My book shelf NEEDS this book.

  547. I’ve never seen a purple cow (eyeball), I never hope to see one (that’s a lie)
    But I can tell you anyhow, that I rather win than eat one!

  548. We call our printer at work “Freddie Robutt”. I have no idea why, but that is it’s name. I work at a bank and when the salesman comes in and we ask for toner for Freddie Robutt he knows exactly what we want. I have also requested from the same salesman “an old priest, a young priest, and a vat of holy water”. His response…”I can get the priests but the holy water is on backorder”. Made my day.

  549. I have nothing to declare but my genius.

  550. I could never have a jar of glass eyeballs…ever! If I ever stopped taking my meds (for whatever reason) they would be a target of one of my angry rants. I’d be all “How dare you all follow me everywhere I go! Do something useful, like form a mouth from Labyrinth and talk to me instead of just staring at me! And why are your all looking in different directions, stop making me feel fat!” and shit like that.
    Then I’d break the jar and have to explain to my husband that the eyeballs started it by calling me fat, and he’d ask me how they did that, and then he and I would have an argument over the damned eyeballs….

    I’m better off jar-of-eyeballsless and staying on my meds.
    But I’d totally love a copy of your book!

    Rea recently posted Quick mini-brag.

  551. 552
    Jessica De Leon

    I’ll take some autographed eyeballs, i’m not picky

  552. 553
    Edie Lackey

    Glass eyeballs aren’t nearly as collectible as one might imagine. Nor as valuable. Ohhh, the things one learns watching Storage Wars!

  553. 554

    buncha suckups.

    Oh, hey!

  554. 42

  555. When I eat cheetos I feel like I’m a 5 yr boy and probably look like it too.

  556. 557
    Gretchen Rohrbeck

    The cover is great and all, but I am sorely disappointed that there is not a new picture of a non-alive pet on the cover again. Surely that would make the Brits pick up the book MORE often? Or is taxidermy against the law there now? Maybe just in print because there was a shitload of non-alive pets on “The Tudors”. And Jeremy Irons is still on “The Borgias”…..

  557. I have an autographed copy of your hardback book, but it has someone else’s name in it….. while it does add to the charm and all, it would be nice to have an autographed book with my name in it.

  558. 559

    I’ve never considered how many bodies I could fit under my bed, but I did see an old suitcase in Goodwill that would easily hold one body. When I mentioned it my husband replied that it would fit two if we cut them up. And that’s why I love him.

  559. 560

    I’d love to win a copy of your book, but I’d be just as happy with a bunch of vintage glass cow eyeballs. I have a vase that’s currently filled with clear marbles and it would make a much better conversation piece if it were filled with giant glass eyeballs, don’t you think?

  560. 561

    The only I can say is that I can’t look at taxidermy without thinking of you. That, and you should probably really never search Ebay for taxidermy animals. Dear Lord, what won’t people stuff?

  561. 562
    Kelly Shrum

    Totally LOVED your book and got my cousin to get it too! She says she is definitely part of your tribe…the kind of people she likes to call “demflicted”…demented and afflicted. LMAO Keep the funny coming! Can’t wait for another book!

  562. I want to win so I can pass it along to other people and force them to read it. I read a copy from the library, so I don’t have one of my own.

  563. My 5 year old daughter ate a Pop Tart and Sun Chips for dinner last night. I think that qualifies me for an award of some type.

  564. 565
    Amy Bowen

    I love books, so I’m the most suited to win one!

  565. I would love to see if a quarter would bounce of Nathan Fillion’s butt. (you said we could comment anything!)

  566. 567
    Theresa Bergeron

    I can’t think of anything clever to say!

  567. 568

    Last night I may or may not have wondered how many monkey cages I could fit in my backyard…because I want to be like Beiber.

  568. 569
    Lisa Pflanzl

    No people fit under my bed. That’s because dust bunnies live there. In the hundreds…

  569. My least favorite toes are my pinky toes. They curl under and hide beneath the rest of my toes.

  570. I had to disect a goat eyeball for A&P class and it was awesome. Learned animals have this silver looking coating in the back of their eyeball (I should know what it was called but I don’t remember) that helps reflect the smallest amounts of light at night so they can see better. So even when its dark your cats can still see you. Good to know, yea?

  571. While the UK cover is nice with the picture of curler-ed you and all, what’s with the wispy serifs? Is that like locks of hair or something? Honestly I miss Hamlet von Schnitzel. Is he on the title page? Honestly, I am a complete Anglophile and would be honored to have a copy of the UK paperback!

  572. I would use the whole box of cow glass eyeballs. I would be gluing them to EVERYTHING! I would see a stop sign and say “You know what that stop sign needs? Eye balls. And look, I have some right here!” and then I would glue them on and laugh and laugh.

    Later, at my child’s baseball game, someone would be all “Did you see some hoodlums glued eyeballs to the stop sign on the corner?” and I would be all “OMG! That’s awesome.” (Cause I would forget I did it) and then they would be all “No, it’s wrong! Who does that? Who glues eye balls to a stop sign?” and then I would remember. And laugh again.

    Also, I think random cereal boxes at the grocery store need glass eye balls. it occurs to me I probably should not have a box of glass eyeballs. Just saying.

  573. Tommy used to work on the dock, Union’s been on strike. He’s down on his luck it’s tough. So tough.

    Erin Mason recently posted Experience and Moving On.

  574. It’s snowing today. Seriously, it’s May first and it’s snowing. What happened to Spring??

  575. 576
    Deb Koons

    Several years ago, before the No Call List, I stumbled onto the best way to get rid of a persistent telemarketer – and to prevent any more calls: Just say you’d love to talk but you left your mother tied up in the bathtub and you need to get back to her (no idea where that came from). Presto! No more calls from that company. And he must have spread the word in the Telemarketer Tavern, because the calls from *all* telemarketers dropped dramatically. Police presence on my street increased, however.

  576. 577
    Amberlee Letourneau

    I had no idea there was even such a thing as glass cow eyeballs let alone vintage ones. I know about your book though and I would really love a copy!!

  577. One of my cat’s stepped in my hair dye last night and left cat prints all over my house. Yep, that’s my life.

  578. I want one! Book, not eyeball

  579. 580
    Claudia L.

    I recently moved and thought “Damn we have a lot of weird knicknacks” then I realized, we don’t.

    You win.

  580. My favorite toe is my raptor toe, it’s the one next to the pinky toe, it curls up like a raptor on both of my feet so whenever my toenails get long I pretend to scratch my boyfriend like a raptor while screeching

  581. I can always use more glass eyeballs. I prefer bourbon/rocks in mine, but sometimes we might ‘ave a party, so then we’d need more for our friends. I bought some of those cool glasses with state maps on them, so I can use those for eyeballs if I don’t win. I’m sorry there wasn’t a Texas one at the garage sale where I got them, but Wolverenes (sic) was spelled wrong on the Michigan one, so there’s that.

  582. 583

    If this was a paper drawing I would make an origami squirrel and you would be all ‘look at that squirrel. I must have a closer look’ and my names drawn.

  583. 584
    June Clever

    I pre-ordered my kindle copy long ago and even stuck the autographed nameplate in the inside of my kindle cover. An autographed copy of the real life book would quite possibly make me swoon.

  584. I have a single dark hair near my bellybutton, and his name is George. He was once plucked and killed at a party for the sake of body shots, but he always grows back, so he is my favorite. 😉

  585. 586
    carey gibson

    Pick me again because I said my daughter is eight when she’s really nine. What kind of mother am I? The kind whose daughter needs your book.

  586. I could probably fit 4, depending on the shape and size. (Four what? Fit where? Wouldn’t you like to know?)

  587. 588

    I turned my air conditioner on a couple of hours ago – because my house (in theory) subtly, and in an unnoticeable way to the naked eye, rotates so that every room gets a solid blast of morning sun – and two of my cats had this really epic growling match over the rights to the kitchen floor vent; and then my third cat came in and growled at the other two and won the right to that particular vent because she never growls so everyone, myself included, was impressed.

  588. My dog would love to play with vintage glass cow eyeballs!!!

  589. I hate my right big toe.

    That is all.

  590. I can fit more dead bodies in my SUV than under my bed. I like my “pinkie” toe, because it’s the underdog piglet.

    GK Adams recently posted Time For A Change.

  591. Statues with death masks are more popular than glass eyeballs here. I sort of want glass eyeballs now

  592. Have the Kindle version, but on my cell phone, and it hurts my eyes to read it. I love the feel of actual books, and a copy of this would just feel so right… 🙂

  593. Yea! I bought your book in the USA when it first came out. Now I live in Scotland. I will have to check the bookstores here and let you know.

  594. I need a haircut. And pedicure. And manicure. And a new book to read while doing all of the above.

  595. I am currently obsessed with my Nespresso U that I just received, so if I win a copy of your book you can know that I will sit on my couch with espresso and your book. Which means I will finish it in half the time because I won’t be able to stop drinking the espresso until I am done

  596. 597
    Scarlett Angell

    I could probably fit at least 3 bodies in the trunk of my full sized, hand me down sedan…four if one of them is on the smallish side.

  597. When I think of glass eyeballs I think of G’kar on Babylon 5 putting HIS glass eyeball in the bedroom of Sheridan and D’lenn so he could watch them having sex. The eyeball sent images to his brain, it wasn’t just for looks y’know.

  598. i need to win 1 of these books because
    #1. Im a dispatcher for our local police department….i work 5:30 P.M. to 5:30 A.M…..theres nothing on tv to watch, and i would rather read a good book.

    #2 I am an awesome neighbor. I gave my neighbor down the street a minature Beyonce for Christmas this past year as a thank you for introducing me to you. But because she has a 11 year old son, i didnt leave a note that said Knock Knock Motherfucker. I just. COULDNT

  599. 600
    Kim Barlow

    I once had a fatty lipoma (think giant cyst) removed from my thigh that was nearly 6 inches across and close to 2 inches deep. Could have been in future medical journals if the surgeon had remembered to take a picture before it was dissected. Oh, well.

  600. When I was a kid I dropped a heavy can on my big toe. The nail cracked down the middle and ever since then, both sides grow separately.

    Please excuse the Hobbitty toe hair! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v448/usagiweaver/null_zps799f3fcf.jpg

  601. Since you mentioned favorite toe, I have two toes shaped like ET’s head. One on each foot. Thankfully this is a symmetrical thing with my feet.

    That’s all.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted How to Keep a Relationship Fresh.

  602. My mom, and one friend of mine (OK, actually my wife’s friend, but only because I’m not calling her my wife’s puppy that follows her everywhere) both struggle mightily with the kinds of mental illness you talk about so well in your book. Sometimes it mortifies them in ways that can only be stayed by the kind of humor about ones self you wield so well. I think maybe reading your book could help them do this themselves, or maybe just get them to see that they don’t have to beat themselves up trying to be “normal”. Maybe I’m crazy, but then I’VE already read it. See how it works?

    ReasJack recently posted Would our extinction be so bad?.

  603. I promise a picture of a ghost holding twine if I win a copy of the paperback!

  604. I used to be able to touch my tongue to my nose. I’ve recently discovered that I can’t anymore and I’m concerned this means I have tongue arthritis. I’m not letting myself google tongue arthritis. Yet.

  605. Books are my security blanket. This book would add some flair to my blanket.

  606. 607

    Oh, Jenny. On my recent trip to the Mainland, I had to resist taking pictures of giant metal chickens about 80 brazillion times. ALL DOWN TO YOU, DEAR. Thanks for so, so much funny, every day. xoxo and aloha from Caroline on O‘ahu!

  607. Have been reading your blog for a while now, and absolutely love it! Thank you for the laughs.

  608. I had a janitor at my high school who had a class eye. It kind of would wander too, so that he would have his real eye looking straight at you, but his glass eye would be looking off to the side. And if someone mentioned that his eye had gone wonky, he would just grab it and move it right in front of you. It was pretty disconcerting. Also, Ray Bradbury mentioned a character in his book that had dozens of glass eyes in their windowsill that would just be looking out at whoever passed by. Creepy as hell, man.

    Glass eye stories, apparently I haz some.

  609. I bet I can fit 10 glass eyeballs in my mouth.

  610. jenny,jenny,jenny!!! Loved your audiobook and would love a copy of the paperback!

    Can probably fit 5 bodies under the bed, BUT, would not happen! Too dangerous in the zombie apocalypse. Unless I can use them as protection like in the Walking Dead, but I would have to do some grisly stuff to make that happen, and I don’t think I could. But then again, in the zombie apocalypse I think I could be a real bad ass so maybe it would all work out. hmmm….

  611. I am sure that one could use as many glass eyes as they could get their hands on… Anyway, I would love a copy of the book and a glass eye – how cool would that be?? Look what came in the mail today!! A glass cow eye!!

  612. I’m thinking there aren’t enough glass eyeballs in use today. I feel giddy at the thought of a game of marbles with glass eyeballs for bovine creatures.

  613. Today after work I get to pick up my new kitten. We are naming her HB. Why? Cause cats are the honey badgers of the domesticated pet world. They just don’t give a shit.

  614. Two blogs make my day every time I read them: The Bloggess and 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility – while they are seemingly unrelated, in my world, they are necessary for sanity. And yes, sanity is a relative term.

  615. Arizona legislators once hired a prostitute to swallow a glass eye in order to pass a bill… i bet that was one of the tamest things a prostitute has had to swallow.

  616. 617
    Karin Allmendinger

    I can say the Big Mac ingredients backwards!!! and I’d love to read your book;)

  617. I NEED this book. Here is why. I bought your hardback version based on my cousin saying “THIS is our life”. Then I bought copies for my two daughters as they were also raised like you were. Then I bought the Kindle version after my husband got me a Kindle for Christmas. Then I had to buy ANOTHER copy of the hardback version for myself as I lent mine out and it never came back (as is foretold for all good books). And Monday was my birthday. And Tuesday I was accused of a crime I didn’t commit (true story). So I turned 45 and may go to jail all in the same week and I probably won’t get to take my Kindle. And I also have been in love with Eric Idle from Monty Python since I was about 10…..so the anglophile thing is there, also. The end.

  618. Your posts always make me smile or laugh. But I have to say, your loquacious followers are a real hoot. I wish I didn’t have a separate life to live because I never have the time to read all the comments. Maybe you’ll have to write volume two made up of the best comments!

  619. After my experience today, I’ve decided that drive-thru cashiers should be allowed to cane patrons who request special orders. Also, every person in line behind them *raises hand* should be allowed to get in a lick. Yup. That sounds about right.

  620. IDK how many bodies could fit under our bed (not many I would guess), but I think how many would fit in a deep freeze would be the better question. I vividly remember when an 8-year-old me opened one of those giant deep freeze freezers at the appliance store and declared, “Woah! You could fit a ton of bodies in here.” There was an elderly couple near me. They were not amused.

  621. How old do cow eyeballs have to be to be considered vintage?

  622. 624

    I like pie. Really, does anything else need to be said?

  623. I have nothing to say except that I love you.

  624. 626
    Pamela Z

    Hundreds of comments later, all I can say is that I am super bummed because I lent out my hardcover US copy of the book to a friend before I finished reading it because I was super-busy at work and with my toddler at the time and figured I could read it better myself a month or two later when things calmed down. Also, the friend needed a good laugh and I knew it would be great for that. Alas, the book never came back & my friend left the state.

    I’M GOING CRAZY WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. And therefore I soooooo want to win a copy!

    Oh, and my favorite finger when I was a child was my right ring finger. I used to magically contort it backwards so I could suck on it. I was never a huge fan of toes, so I think that finger has to be my pick if we are talking about awesome extremities…

  625. I have 2 glass leopard eyeballs. And currently 3 bodies under the bed, though could argue there’s room for more.

  626. 628

    Yesterday at the store, one of my 3yo twins would only answer to “Buzz Lightyear to the Rescue!” So if I wanted to talk to him I had to say “Hey, Buzz Lightyear to the Rescue…” And this is why being a parent is hilarious 😀 Today? He’s batman.

  627. 629
    Gen Thomassy

    Fish sticks and custard. You did say anything. So I’ll swear on something important that I really want to win an autographed book. Also a signing at BookPeople would be awesome in case I don’t win. Unless of course I somehow missed a BookPeople already despite reading their emails religiously so I don’t miss my favorite authors. I’ll shut up now.

  628. I’m not British nor do I have British ancestry but I love to write using British spelling. My favorite word is behaviour.

  629. Great Book! I pre-ordered when It first came out.

    Samantha recently posted So, Direction Change.

  630. I just joined the board of directors in my owners association. They’re all bonkers and old and I’m really regretting my moment of weakness!

    Also you’re awesome and I haven’t yet to read the extra chapter in yor book!

    Iben recently posted In My Mailbox #2.

  631. This one time when my son was 4 he came home with a purple inflatable alien. It was probably around three feet tall and he was obsessed with the thing. One evening I was sitting at the table eating dinner and he had already finished and gotten down. All of the sudden I felt something touching my arm. It was the alien’s hand. And in a really creepy voice I heard, “I want your skin.”
    Fortunately, I lived to tell the tale and it was really just my extremely creepy child doing this and the giant inflatable alien hadn’t come to life with an insatiable desire for human flesh.

    Kim recently posted Comment on Getting There by kimmpe.

  632. Have you ever watched the show “Oddities?” When in New York for spring break their store, Obscura Antiques, was a must see for my son. You would like their store and their stuff.

  633. You always make me laugh.

  634. 636

    My husband, our 2 year old son and I are moving from Chicago to NY later this month and I’ve packed all of the books so I could use one to read that I don’t have to undo prodigious amounts of packing tape to get at. Also you seem really quite fun and funny, I would like to read your book but am on financial lock down until after the move so a free copy would be keen!

  635. 637
    Kim Golis

    This would go nicely in my collection of autographed Jenny Lawson books. I really like the creepy font for the title… very appropriate.

  636. Story of a nursing student
    I woke up one morning walked into the hospital changed back into pajamas ( oh yeah they were scrubs) but as comfy as pajamas , covered my shoes with very strange booties and put a shower cap on and a mask across m face I was ready for surgery 🙂 Spent the day observing many various surgeries but the highlight of my day was when the surgeon placed a gall bladder in my hand then popped the galls stones out and placed them in my other. The highlight of my year holding someone’s beat up old gall bladder full of stones there I was standing there in awww you would’ve thought I won the lottery.

    Kalley Lee recently posted Nothing..

  637. I’m stuck at home with three kids due to a snow day in Colorado… on May frickin’ 1st! I could really use a pick me up. 😉

  638. 640
    Uncle Kevin

    Is it wrong that I taught my miniature Dachshund to attack when I say POLAND !!??
    Also, I dropped the Hamster, sorry ..

  639. I bet I could go through 1000 cow eyeballs. The way my cats play with things ( and subsequently lose said things) I would need to keep replacing that shit. They are only a year old, so I should have another 14 years with each. Maybe an eyeball a week, per cat, for the rest of their lives… That’s 52 times 2 times 14… Oops that makes 1456. I change my answer to 1456.

  640. we would like the bookses.

    atlas recently posted This week: revving up for Mercy run.

  641. 643
    Sierra Trees-Turner

    Your humor buoys my days. I would love a copy so much!

  642. I want a (hopefully entirely illegible or it’s not a proper signature) signed copy of this ridiculous book which I love so very very much 😀

  643. 645
    Ashlie Daigle

    Gimme. Kthx.

  644. 646
    Leigh Spencer

    Dunno about dead bodies, but we can fit a total of one goat skulls under our bed. It’s SUPPOSED to be a back yard decoration, but one of our dogs INSISTS it really belongs under our bed. We put it back outside, he drags it back in and hides it under the bed. It was disconcerting the first few times I lifted the bedskirt, cleaning or looking for something else, and discovered something LOOKING BACK AT ME. But, I’m used to it now. Plus, I don’t clean under the bed much anyway.

    I would LOVE a signed copy of your book. I promise not to give it to the goat skull.

  645. I bought tickets to the live broadcast of NPR’s “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” for tomorrow night. Usually going to the movie theatre results in a panic attack and sometimes i buy tickets and then never actually get myself to the theatre. I’m hoping i make it there tomorrow night. You said we could comment about anything so i went with this.

    Also I call vaginas “skin pockets”. That’s weird but you mentioned body part names. There you go.

  646. 648

    If the second toe being longer than the first (big) toe means that one is the ruler of the house, what does it mean when both people in the house have longer second toes? That said – does anyone *not* have a longer second toe? Or do I just know a bunch of type-A people?

    (p.s. great giveaway!)

  647. 649

    Holy snapping arse holes Hannah! Is it just me or are there a bazillion people vying for a free book? I was going to leave a note on the off chance that I’d get one but there are probably at least seven more deserving people on this thread, three of which probably have more hair on their chins then me but I’m not judging anyone.

    So I will just go and buy myself a copy that way those unfortunates with a chinny, chin, chin or hairy, hair, hair can get a book. In the meantime I’m just going to enjoy this amazing day by taking a deep breath and living in the now.

    Woohoo…fuck that was great!

  648. I got asked, “Ma’am, are you okay?” by a very elderly gentlemen at a Taco Cabana because I choked on my flauta reading my copy of your book on my Kindle. It was the chapter on cow insemination.

  649. 651