Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Unless you win. Then it totally happened.

in Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Random Crap

Today I got a box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs.  Except replace “vintage glass cow eyeballs” with “new copies of the UK version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“.

They’re very similar in that they are both fairly baffling and people can’t help but pick them up and wonder at them.  And also, you don’t actually need a whole box of them.  At most you can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs and then the rest just go to waste.  Ditto with a giant box of books.  That’s why I’m giving away several here this week (autographed books, not eyeballs).  All you have to do is leave a comment and you’re entered to win.

This copy includes the new chapter, which you might possibly be in. Please don't sue me.

What should you comment about?  Anything.  Your favorite toe.  The pet names of your body parts.  How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime.  The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.  It’s totally up to you.

Also, for some strange reason this bewildering memoir is still on the Indie Bestseller lists and the NYT bestseller list and I’m still getting emails from people who had never even heard of this blog but who stumbled over the book and are so thankful that they’ve finally found their tribe.  Thank you for being that tribe.  And thank you for letting me be a part of it.

4,085 thoughts on “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Unless you win. Then it totally happened.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. haven’t had a chance to read it yet, I’d love to win a copy!

  2. A free, autographed copy of your book would fantastic! Also, I will be sending a little something your way in the next few weeks. Thank you for entertaining me ALL THE TIME.

  3. I’m a relatively new tribe member although your book was on my recommended reading list long before I knew of the blog.

  5. I want to win! But I don’t have anything exciting to say right now. 🙁

  7. I can fit exactly zero bodies under my bed. It’s right one the floor, no frame. Mostly because my cats kept messing with the frames and I was worried they would break it and then the bed would fall down on top of them.

  8. I named my vacuum cleaner Fido, since it follows me faithfully around the house. Also, glass eyeballs would be useful parking guides to hang in the garage!

  11. How many bodies can I fit under my bed? Zero. There’s already too much junk stored under there. Guess you’ll know I’ve taken up murder when you see my stepladder stored in the front hallway.

  14. I want to win too! Its college finals time though and I can’t think of anything witty. This would be a wonderful distraction from this chaos. <3

  16. Sorry, I can’t fit any bodies under my bed. That would be bad feng shui. However, I’d argue that I could use way more than a dozen fake cow eyeballs. They’d make fantastic cat toys.

  17. I am so thankful to have found your blog. And those pictures of unicorn snoggings.

  18. Also replace with “giant box of vintage dentures” – Except, useful for dentistry, jewelry making and christmas ornaments. still- gotta pick them up and check them out.

  19. I want to win! But only if I can have a glass cow eyeball too please!
    Love the blog and the book.

  20. So many things I could comment on! My car’s name is the “purple princess”. She’s a 1996 Volkswagen Jetta that won’t go over 80 km / hr and drops gears going up hills. We have to treat her like a princess to keep her going.

  22. I have a great love for taxidermied rodents, but can’t own any because my dog eats them. This is a serious flaw in my existence. On the other hand, she’s pretty cute, and the cat likes her, so I guess it’s ok. I did pre-order and buy the hard back version but…EXTRA CHAPTERS!!!!!!

    I own exactly zero glass cow eyeballs. I’m ok with this.

  24. My cat is shaved like a baby lion, and his breath still smells like cat food.

  25. Thanks to my Mother being only able to keep cheese pizza and ice cream in her stomach while pregnant with me (she’d upchuck everything else), I could literally eat both things forever. The pizza is partly to blame for my move to Chicago. 😉

  26. My middle toe, as I can flick people off with it under the table. 😉

    I don’t have a stash of glass eyes, but if I did I would randomly place them in people’s food because I’m an A-Hole like that…

  28. Okay – not about GLASS cow eyeballs, but cow eyeballs, nonetheless. When I was in OAC biology, I spent a day doing tours of the lab for grade nines. My triumphant finale was cutting open a cow eyeball, and squirting one of the new kids. I’d say I went through… twelve? So I’ve used fourteen eyeballs in my lifetime. Though not glass. Also – maybe three bodies under the bed, depending on girth.

  29. I will use this opportunity to tell you that my pelvis feels like it is splitting in half because I have twins growing inside of me, because that is pretty much the only thing on my mind right now. I’m not really sure how anything else COULD be on my mind right now with all of that going on.

    And I ordered pizza and learned that Domino’s delivers chocolate dipped cookies. If only they delivered Twix bars, I’d be pretty certain they were my guardian angels. I was tempted to put in the delivery comments that I would tip them extra if they stopped and got me a Twix bar on their way here.

  30. My son has finally decided to stop saying, “Mommy! NO!” every time I sing in the car and is instead singing along with me #HowPikeLearnedToStopWorryingAndLoveTheMommy

  32. If you made a tray of dessert bars using S’Mores cereal, would that be considered meta?
    Do they even make S’mores cereal anymore?

  33. Whenever I get tipsy I start talking about unicorns. And also when I see white horses (which, as everyone knows, are unicorns with invisible horns).

  34. How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime. A “normal” person? Zero. Me? About 30 (I’d use them to gussy up my Warhammer army).

  39. I would love to read this in its entirety in a British accent. Cheerio!

  41. I enjoy secretly crop-dusting people with farts if they’re being rude to myself and/or others.

  43. True story. My grandma has a kind of funny little toe that doesn’t bend down. She had a dream about me the night before I was born and BAM, my toe is like that too. Strange. And annoying in that I can never wear pointy-toed shoes.

  44. Me please! You could even hand deliver since I think you live close to me…San Antonio?

  46. If I ever write a book, the first sentences will be what my mom said to the doctor after being in labor (for 36 hours, oops) with me:
    Mom: (face crumbles) “Oh you poor baby!”
    (Frantically looks at the doctor)
    “Will she always look this way???”

  47. I started rereading my kindle version yesterday…but I bought it a year ago, so I want to see the new chapter.

  48. I can fit 2 and 7/8ths bodies under my bed. Right next to the convertible rails for the babies beds and the extra suitcase.

  51. Smashing. Totally Bloody Fabulous!! Here Here … Jolly Good Old Chap!!! Head on down to the Pub to celebrate with a Pint!!!

  52. I’ve just decided to name my left nipple Spiney Norman. The right one refuses to be named.

  53. Well, I can only fit 1 body, maybe, under my bed (it’s one of those platform beds, with the drawers?), but when I went shopping for my new car about 2 years ago, I judged which ones were worthy of a test drive by how many bodies they could fit. My car? Easily 4 or 5, if you have them in pieces!

  54. I’m glad I practiced my english accent for so long. It came in very handy indeed.
    Also, I don’t have any actual glass eyeballs, but I did recent;y receive a shipment of tiny glass globes that could easily be turned into eyeballs. I have a whole 20 so, if you need any just lemme know.

  55. We can fit multiple bodies under our beds – but only if they’re little people.

    Also, I just learned that the book “Animalia” that I LOVED as a kid…has a Dalek on the D page. Mind=blown.

    And this book may have changed my life. Or scarred me, but probably a little of both.

  56. Could probably fit 3 bodies comfortably underneath my bed but perhaps 6 during an especially desperate game of Sardines.

  57. This would be a perfect First of May (cue Jonathan Coulton) gift!

  58. When I was in 5th grade my class was supposed to dissect a cow eyeball. I heard that if you didn’t want to do it, for ethical reasons or just because, you could opt out and spend the class period in the library. I wasn’t too into eyeballs so I said I objected on moral reasons: why should a cow have to lose its eye just so I could cut it up. But really I just couldn’t believe thus let me spend a whole class period in the library. It was my favorite place.

    Then, in high school we dissected frogs. It was so awesome and cool and I learned so much that I realized I probably should have dissected the eyeball.

    Not that you could dissect a glass eyeball, but it reminded me of that lost opportunity. Give me your book!

  59. I could probably fit a dozen bodies under my bed, if it weren’t already cluttered with boxes of Christmas ornaments and clothes that don’t fit but I won’t throw out.

  62. I tore my ACL Monday in Sentao class. I have a big ol’ robo-leg brace. Y’know, just in time for summer. 🙁

  64. I can’t believe I haven’t read the book yet… but, well, I haven’t. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you!! I was hoping to have something witty to add in an attempt to increase my odds of winning… but I’m all out of wit for today.

    I think I could fit like 6 or 7 bodies under the bed. Cats would not be pleased though.

  66. I was disappointed that we were receiving only brains and not the whole pig head at work today. I was so looking forward to using my bone saw.

    PS I have an alligator head on my desk at work that holds small things like paper clips and misplaced histology slides. His name is Sir Alistair Snapsley, Keeper of Small Things.

  67. The first time I read your book was last year, and I was almost done when I was waiting to go into surgery. The last thing I read before going in was about the smoking unicorn. Thanks to that and the ‘happy juice’ I was given, I had a really fucked up experience. Thanks!!

  68. I’m still trying to find my own Beyonce. You’d think it would be easy in Iowa!

  69. I’ve always wondered why people want to spend their vacations in the lap of luxury. The lap seems like such a strange destination. Why not spend your vacation clinging to the earlobe of luxury?

  70. I want a free signed book by one of the funniest people I’ve ever read!

  71. I paid real dollars for the book already, but damn I would’ve loved a vintage glass cow eyeball. I think you have an untapped market for that right there.

  72. I found my way here through Beyonce and never looked back. I have my very own Blue Ivy in my kitchen, but still want a full sized metal lovely for my backyard. My favorite toe is my pinky toe because the nail is so teeny that I don’t have to paint it. And also because it goes wee wee wee.

  74. I don’t know how many dead bodies we could fit under the bed (it’s rather close to the ground) but definitely 3 live cats and the desiccated corpses and untold numbers of their toys. the next time we move is gonna be fun!

  75. I have this already…but my cat would like one. He’s ginger, but please don’t hold that against him!

  76. Oh yes, please. One for me!…. the books… not the glass cow eyeballs… unless you really do have some and some extra because I’m pretty sure I could find a use for that too. It’s weird around my house.

  78. I could totally use a box of glass eyeballs to freak my sister out.

  79. Don’t have a least favorite toe, but don’t like my left foot. Sprained it in college and it gets temperamental on me every now and then.

  80. I simply adore you, that must be said. Also, I’m pretty sure I could fit like 8 dead bodies under my bed because there’s a lot of space but also because dead bodies don’t really care if you stuff and bend and possibly break a limb or two in order to make the fit happen so….

  81. If I’ve done the math correctly, the average person will use approximately 1329 glass cow eyeballs in their lifetime. This, of course, factors in age, year of birth, and access. Most rural communities have enough access that the average goes up in these areas, but even those in an urban environment use around 1000 in their lives, but only if they remain in their current urban atmosphere. If they move to a smaller community, the number, naturally, goes up.

  82. ABSOLUTELY LOVE your blog! I’ve been threatening to start collecting vinatge taxidermied animals if I don’t get your book – my husband is concerned. Maybe winning a book will help prevent another level of hoarding above metal animals (yes, I have a family of metal flamingos living at my desk – don’t judge!)

  83. My uncle had a glass eye… his eye was knocked out by a golfball. True story, I promise!

  84. I have a toe nail that I thought was going to fall off but it didn’t, and now it’s just like half falling off. I’m really unclear what the future holds for it, but it does’t hurt and it doesn’t even look that gnarly. Ok that’s all. Thanks, Jenny! Bye!

  85. I’m going to win this when I take a picture of the unicorn-with-a-penis-horn graffiti that someone pasted/painted on the building next door. If no one has stolen it yet.

  86. If I had a glass cow eyeball, I’d be the most popular person in town because then everyone would want one.

  89. I have a pair of Cow eyeballs in my freezer right now… next to the frozen pizza and the ben an jerry’s

  90. When I hear a man complain about having to shave his face I simply say, talk to the vagina!

  91. I have laryngitis. I sound like Darth Vader. You can imagine how excited my son named Luke is about that.

  92. I’ll take a book if you’re giving them away, but throw a glass eyeball in there, too!

  94. Thanks for keeping us laughing, Jenny! Because if we didn’t laugh we would cry and we all look terrible after we cry.

  95. Years ago I named my little belly bulge George. “I will name him George and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him … and pat him and pat him … and love him and caress him…” What can I say I watched Bugs Bunny when I was little.

  96. I’m blind in one eye. I could totally use a glass eyeball if it was cool enough to warrant having the nonfunctional, but otherwise normal, eyeball removed.

  97. Commenting on a “Leave a Comment” space! Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I have a glass cow eyeball?!?!?! Puh-leeaaseeee?!?!?!?!?!?

  98. I remember dissecting cow eyeballs in physics class- it was pretty much the coolest thing we ever did. All the boys were disgusted because gloves weren’t required and I just jumped in with bare hands- the only one in the class who did that might I add. We had to sort of ‘pop’ them to get the cornea out and they oozed eye juice all over.

  102. I also stumbled backwards: first book , then blog. I could only manage one glass eyeball I think.

  104. When I’m feeling stabby I glance at my Copernicus photo and instantly, everything is better.

  105. My dad’s from England and my mom is from America. These book are from England and you’re American. Clearly, one of those books is meant to reside with me in Canada. We can hang out together being super international.

  106. I want to win. And I cannot feel my ring toes, never have, born with it I guess

  108. Wee! More books. I think we all need at least 4 glass eye balls. I mean back ups are important!

  109. I don’t have a favorite toe, but I DO have a least favorite toe. The 4th toe on each foot curls to the middle toe like some sort of deranged shrimp. It’s a good thing they help me balance, or I might be tempted to lop them off.

  110. I used to work as an optician and one day I answered the phone to hear a guy on the other end of the line asking me if we fitted glass eyes. I was confused and quite sure I hadn’t heard him correctly, so I said “You want to know what?”
    “Glass eyes, do you guys do them there?”
    “Glass eyes? Like a prosthetic eye?”
    “Yes, mine broke & I need a new one.”

    I don’t know why, but the whole conversation struck me funny and as hard as I tried not to burst out laughing, I couldn’t help myself. So I kindly put him on hold, went in the back and giggled myself silly while making my coworker talk to him to let him know that we did not make or fit glass eyes for people.

  111. I would not have been nearly as excited to see 6-foot-high metal roosters at a gift shop last weekend had I not known Beyonce’s story. And my life is better for it!

  112. I’d love a copy! I bought your book when it first came out in hard cover, then a friend sent me one from your signing in San Jose CA, since I couldn’t make it. I’d love another copy to pay it forward with, since everyone needs a little Bloggess on their bookshelf. If you pick me, I’m giving it to Kari, my fav gal at the bookstore.

  113. There are a million people on the waiting list for this at my local library. Would love to win a copy.

    Also, I once took actual deer eyeballs to school for extra credit. We dissected them in science class.

  115. I don’t have a bed. I sleep in the corner. The bodies are there for warmth.

  116. I always face out the hardback at the bookstore. That sounded better in my head. Really.

  117. I saw a giant rooster on the side of the road the other day that was twice the size of Beyonce. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life!!

  118. So, I wasn’t gonna do it but I am ever so curious. Did you by chance happen to receive a pair of the most amazing rainbow unicorn bookends and if so, please tell me they were not broken. Gracias. Also, yes, I’d love a copy – I love the font. 🙂

  121. Right now I’m listening to the Les Mis soundtrack and they just sang the lyric, “raise your glass high” and I heard, thanks to this post, “raise your glass eye.” I will think of this now every time I hear that song, so I think I’ll need approximately eleventy billion glass eyes during my lifetime.

  122. I am so happy your book is doing so well! Congratulations. You deserve it.

  123. ooo, ooo, me!
    Also, I eschew putting bodies under the bed in lieu of putting them under the floorboards. Much easier to contain that way. Unless you’re in a condo with a downstairs neighbor, and then that’s trickier. Though I guess then you could blame the body on your downstairs neighbor, and say they put it in their ceiling?
    Not that I’ve ever thought about this or anything.

  125. So I’ve been playing against you in Words with Friends (and I’m seriously the worst drawer in the world, sorry), and I totally wanted to draw a woman making out with a unicorn. But that wasn’t an option. Because the creators of Words with Friends are assholes. And possibly racists.

  126. My least favorite toe is the pinky. Apparently, it has anger issues and is always getting into fights with passing table legs and boxes.

  127. I just had my tubes tied, and I’ve decided my uterus is not my favorite body part. Her name is Mabel.

  128. I have a slight obsession with all things British, so I really want a chance at this! Also, I just discovered Doctor Who this spring, and now I want to take my cat to Texas to see The Doctor. Maybe he speaks cat and can tell me why mine is seems to think he’s a dog that enjoys playing fetch and getting belly rubs.

  129. I wish you were giving out glass eyeballs. That would be awesome.

  132. I need a new copy of the book because a) I bought it in hardback, so I don’t have the new chapter and b) my dog ate it. Well, chewed on it anyway. Actually, now that I think about it, it was a sheep that chewed on it (my husband thought it was one of my knitting books that the sheep chewed on, so he thought it was funny/ironic at first). Speaking of sheep, Jenny, I hope you’ve been enjoying all the pictures of our newborn lambs that I’ve been Tweeting!

  134. I don’t have a favorite toe, but how about a scar from when I tore my acl when I was 11? It’s bad ass. But its not on my ass, promise. It’s on my left knee.

  135. I love this blog. It makes me feel less crazy because just maybe someone else gets the crazy too.I had to share the unicorn #artforawesomness with my best friend. so then we talked about that for a while.

  136. I was reading something today and came across someone named Nerfis. I wonder if he (she?) constantly just stands really close to people and asks, “Am I making you Nerfis?”

  137. I would like a copy of the book for a dear friend who is in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery, and the complications once gets from losing most of your internal organs. I think the taxidermy sections will really speak to him, honest to God.

  138. My family doesn’t quite understand my love for you. I got your calendar for Christmas and it was looked at with confused eyes and, ‘yeeeeaaaahhhh, I guess that’s funny’ comments.
    If I win one, ill give my impressiable little sister my original copy of your book and let the crazy be shared! ….in the greatest way, of course.

  139. I have your book on hold at the library. If they don’t return it soon, I’m going break their big toe.

  140. Favorite toe? The one next to the big toe on my left foot. The pointer toe?

    I’m really excited about this contest. Makes my super shitty apartment hunt a little less shitty.

  141. So, we’re a tribe of miscreant unicorns with vintage glass cow eyeballs? I’m so in.

  142. My brother used to torture small children by telling them that glass marbles were the eyeballs of people he’d killed.

  143. Glass cow eyeballs, maybe I should check on my herd to see if I need replacements. Would love to win an autographed copy of your book!!!

  144. I have fallen out of the shower three times in the last year alone. I’m considering installing shower doors instead of just a curtain for my own safety.

  145. I do not have a favorite toe, but I have a favorite freckle… I named her Gertrude (simply because I feel the name has been woefully abandoned) and I love her because she had the class to appear NOT on my face or arms, but on my toe… which shows her own creativity as well. You are amazing.

  146. Absolutely adore you on twitter! Please enter me. (That sounded worse than it meant to.)

  147. I don’t really like any of my toes, I haven’t named any of my body parts and I’m pretty sure I could fit 4-5 people under my bed (depending on the size of the person…), but I would love to win a copy of your book so I can read the new chapter!

  148. I read the US version with a British accent…did I do it wrong? I am British, so I don’t know how to read it without inserting a quota of ‘Blimey!’ into the footnotes…

  150. I have never found the perfect amount of glass cow eyes. But I have recommended your book to a number of people, who have all choked themselves laughing over it, as I have. (If I had a glass cow eye, I’d probably choke on it too)

  151. A friend of mine once browsed through a basket of glass eyes while we were antiquing. I’m not sure if she was thinking to upcycle some or what…and now I have to go search for “glass eyes” on Pinterest to see if anyone is doing this yet.

  153. I would so LOVE one! My favorite toe is my right middle toe (it just has an aura about it). ..damn I don’t have any pet names for my body parts…but I think a normal person could use about 31,000 glass eyeballs in a lifetime…and I think I could fit about 5 bodies under my bed (maybe 6 if it is okay if some parts stick out).

  154. My penis is named Charlie Hustle after Pete Rose. It’s career as a hard working player went downhill about as quickly as the orginal Charlie Hustle’s did, but I don’t know that they’re related events. One suffered as a result of gambling on baseball, and the other eventually found love and then a wife and then a family and is forever flacid. Wow, TMI? Will my American language speaking allow me to comprehend those there books you got? If yes, please count me in!

  155. I once dated a guy with one eye and seven toes….I now hate all things pirates.

  156. Sometimes when my child misbehaves I totally get why some animal species kill their young. He usually gets me to laugh, so I can’t ever stay mad at him long.

  158. When I was a kid I was terribly shy and used to pretend I couldn’t speak. Then, I would introduce my speaking self as my identical twin sister. She had lots of friends, but was a pompous jerk to me.

  159. I don’t have much to say except thank you for being a major distraction while sitting in the school library trying to work on a research paper or homework or whatever else I feel the need to put off until tomorrow.

  160. Sitting here wondering how hard I would have to try to get husband to agree to move Scotland. I am guessing not hard. We would need jobs though to support the Scotch habit that will inevitably develop.

  161. I didn’t know this wonderful blog existed until I had made it through most of the book!

  162. I’m an expert facebook stalker, a Starbucks barista, and a rememberer of useless things that take up valuable brain space that should probably be used for something important like remembering to eat meals and get regular teeth cleanings. The combination of these means that I often see customers at work who have no idea who I am, but I know exactly who they are, and my favorite thing to do is write their names on their drink cups without asking them, just to creep them out.

  163. Yay you! Loved the hard cover (especially my copy, which you autographed for me here in NJ!), and have given many as gifts already! Now I could REALLY use a new chapter. Also, I could totally use some glass cow eyeballs, if you have extras.

  164. My favorite toe is my daughter’s right pinkie toe. It has a freckle, but she couldn’t pronounce freckle and told everyone her toe has a “pickle”. So, it has become her pickle toe, and I have an awesome story to pull out if she ever brings a boy (or girl) home. :p

  165. I would like to win the paperback. Even though I feel guilty because I haven’t read the hardcover yet. But I did actually buy it, and it’s next on the list. When I can make the time, I will read it even though it’s obsolete because you have a new dang chapter now.

  166. I can sing like the seagull in The Little Mermaid. That’s pretty much my only talent.

  167. I’ve never had glass eyeballs – for myself or a cow – but I bet they’re infinitely better than a wooden eyeball. No splinters that way.

    I once won the opportunity to have someone sear my eyeballs with a laser, after cutting a flap into the top layer using vacuum pressure. That was the happiest day of my life. It would become the second happiest day if I won a book.

  168. why, when I put a comment, does it say I’ve posted about Casey Anthony? Oh computers, you confound me.

  169. Damn! I wanted cow eyeballs. Can you at least draw a picture of a cow eyeball on the inside?

  170. Tonight I had to assemble the BBQ grill by myself since the husband was too busy to do it. It was only after I made dinner on it that I realized I put the legs on wrong. Whoops!

  173. Today, I went to a car boot sale and they had helicopter rides and a bouncy castle. Unfortunately, the bouncy castle was for under 12s only, so we went up in a helicopter instead. That made my day until I had to state my weight “for insurance reasons” in front of all the people waiting for the heli ride. I need a pick-me-up Jenny, and I’m British so I would obviously read the book with a perfectly darrrrling British accent. I promise!

  175. I think I could fit about 6 bodies under my bed but I think the stench would make me unable to sleep. Also, it isn’t a very good place to hide bodies as I am sure that would be the first place the police would look.

  176. I could fit maybe four bodies under my bed, but wouldn’t want to deal with the smell!

  177. Not saying which body part, but I used to nickname a part of my body the little piggies. (If you guessed my toes, you would be wrong.)

  178. I should win. Because I don’t look down on the British for their bad dental luck.

  179. I would love to win a copy of this book! My son ate my ereader when I was on the last chapter. 🙁
    I think I need to feed my son more….

  180. I bought the hardcover edition while visiting my parents in the States back in October, read about half of it on the plane ride back home, and then somehow left it on the plane.

    Luckily, I had previously bought my friend a copy, so I borrowed it from him to read the rest.

  183. I’d like to be entered to win, but I am questioning why one would put the bodies under your own bed? After all, they would stink after a while – and why draw suspicion to yourself.

  184. I should be working, but instead, I am here… Pick me, pick me!

  185. I had a classmate in high school who had a glass eye. If you send me the glass cow eyeballs I will donate them to him in case he could use them. Are they interchangeable?

  187. Here is a poem I wrote: fish hook fish hook shining in the sky. Fish hook fish hook through the fishes eye. Fish blood drying on my hand, fishes dying in the sand.

  188. Currently my brain is tied up in knots because I was stuck in a conference this morning about the Affordable Care Act and all of the 8 million new things it’s going to require me to do in my job – and for that, I’m going to need therapy. But free (and hilarious) books are cheaper and better. Even under the Affordable Care Act!

  189. If I tried *really* hard, I could probably fit (and this is just a guesstimate), half of a body under my bed… No clue what I’d do with the other half…. 😉

  190. I brought some Laughing Cow cheese to work with me today. But, alas, I forgot the crackers. How crass would it be to just lick it out of it’s shiny silver packaging?

  192. Figured it’s an appropriate comment for here, today I am celebrating two weeks without any form of an anxiety attack! I haven’t gone more then a few days without one in the past! Fuck yeah!

  193. I have a friend in Texas that will love this book. So, I’m entering for her as a surprise. <3
    Favourite toe, must be the big one, the nail is big enough to make artsy stuff on it. My mom is on her 2nd glass eye. Dunno how many more she'll need as she's only 57.

    For Terri <3!!!

  194. The best thing that happened to me today was going to the dmv and getting my license renewed. Please do not let this happen!

  197. I read aloud to my husband from your book and blog during road trips. I am perfectly willing to go and buy the paperback version to get that new chapter, but getting it for free in the mail like some kind of goddamned miraculous vintage glass cow eyeball would be fine too.

  198. I want to win because I lent my autographed HARDCOVER book out to someone who *really* needed it and I didn’t get it back.

    THAT, and let’s face it, if I’m having a crappy day the firth thing I do is go to the bookmarked metal chicken post and ALL is immediately right in my world.

    Plus, you once commented on MY blog and I felt like a movie star had visited.

    xo

  199. I wouldn’t need any glass eyeballs, but we often have the editable ones that go on cupcakes and cookies. We eat them without ever putting them on cupcakes or cookies. We just keep a bag of them around because it’s fun to say, “How ’bout an eyeball, then? That’ll cheer you right up!” {in a British accent, no less}

  200. I will totally call out sick and stay home to read this if you pick me. Pretty please?

  202. I read my Kindle copy to my Mom while she was in the hospital recently, helped us laugh through some truly awful times. I’d love one for her!

  203. I LOVED your book! My boyfriend calls my boobs “the wonder twins.” Does that count as a pet name? Pick me! Pick me!

  204. Would love to read the book….and on a side note I am thinking of starting a practice that does nothing but replace cow eyes with glass ones (there’s a market for that in Herefords!)
    Val

  205. My names for my breasts are Charm and Wit because they’re something I think every woman should have. And if they don’t, well, usually breasts make up for it.

  207. I think if I did a little rearranging I could fit three bodies under my bed snugly. Not that I would ever have three bodies that I’d *need* to fit under my bed. Let’s be honest, I barely even talk to three people regularly.

  208. I have a dog with a glass eye, not an actual glass eye, but one blue eye and one brown eye. It’s really cute…and also kinda creepy…

  209. I don’t have a favorite toe, but I have a favorite finger. It’s my left pinkie because my mom “accidentally” cut the tip off when I was a baby. Best guilt-inducing finger in the world.

  210. I would like to be entered in the glass cow eyeball contest so I can finally have the kind of Halloween party my parents would never let me have.

  211. A friend recommended your book to me. I loved it. I have the same sort of arthritis, loved reading that in but alone with it.

  213. I really want a copy of this book. And a glass cow eyeball. So I can keep the eyeball on my desk at work. And make cryptic comments to people about how Lord Moo-fasa is watching them, and knows all. Damn. Now I have to go buy a vintage glass cow eyeball. And this book. But that’s okay. Because I want the book. And the eyeball. Fuck.

  215. my least favorite toe is my pinky. it curls under and gets all weird on me. but it would be much happier if I was reading the British version of your book!

  216. Also eligible if you live in a tiny country named Holland?? 🙂 I simply want to thank you again for inspiring me to paint red dresses. I love red dresses in general even though I don’t own one, but to be able to link it to such a great cause…it makes it even more sassy! ^_^

  217. I would love to win. I need something to take me away from the necessity of doing my job!

  218. One time, in middle school, my friends and I found a dead bird on the side of the road during recess. We used a shoelace to create a noose, carefully slipped it around the dead bird’s neck, and moved the carcass to the top of a nearby electric box. Then we covered it in yogurt from somebody’s sack lunch.

  219. I haven’t broken a toe, but I broke my leg a few weeks ago playing roller derby. Go, me.
    Love your blog and would love your book!

  220. My favorite toe is the pinky toe. I don’t know why, though.

    Regarding the number of glass eyeballs a person would use in a lifetime, I guess the answer would depend on whether or not the person in question is crafty. If you’re crafty you can go through a whole box in a matter of days. Or weeks. Who knows? But if you’re not crafty I’d say about 20. One for each finger and one for each toe.

  221. Snuffleupagus. How do they expect kids to be able to spell his name? I bet that’s why he never got many letters.

  222. Ooh, a chance to have your autograph…sign me up. You nearly caused a dear friend of mine infinite injury twice this past week. First, when I told her about your Twitter comment on my DT Doctor Who quilt, she nearly choked on her salad. A few days later, she recounted the entire thing to a table of co-workers and was got overly excited, that she slammed her hand down on the table., rattling the silverware and glasses. We definately got some dirty looks from the restaurant…all Thanks To You!!!

  224. My husband calls my pinky toes “hamster toes” because they like to sneak under the other ones and sleep. Of course, I am assuming they are sleeping.

  225. Thank you for making sitting at work in front of a computer not suck so much.

  227. Knock-knock, motherfucker. May I have a book, please? 😀

  228. Oooh, I want one! I was crying/laughing in bed the other night reading your book and had to explain to my husband by reading a bit out loud. He said he was surprised I like you because I hate it when people curse a lot. Of course I started thinking about it too much. Now I’m worried that, if I met you in person, I would find you vulgar and crude. Either that or I would want to drink with you.

  229. I my “ring toes” are completely turned in and crooked on each foot from pointe shoes and dancing. My middle toes are crooked the other way. I can turn off any foot fetish.

  230. I need this so bad. I had a hard back version that I got autographed at one of your book signings but I let a friend borrow it and she left it where her kid could get to it. 🙁 kids are the reason I can’t have funny books.

  231. My most beloved animals, Banana Pants & Crash Hell-mutt, speak with British accents… in my head.

    Seems appropriate that I have the British version of the book.

  232. On average, a person will use 5.3 glass cow eyeballs in his/her lifetime. Jeopardy told me so. Or perhaps rum told me that. Yes, I believe it was rum.

  234. I stopped the other day to price my very own Beyonce but I had to pay tuition and couldn’t afford her. It was a sad day.

  235. My brain is feeling a little wibbly-wobbly these days. I’ve managed to catch up on series 1-6 of the new Doctor Who in less than 5 weeks… How I’ve managed to also eat, sleep, and work I’ve no idea. Maybe I fell into a vortex or something? So sorry, dear, but did you say glass eyes for cows?

  236. I don’t necessarily have a favorite toe, but I do have a second one on each foot that is longer than the first one. My husband teased me about it endlessly until one night when I was full of sleep deprivation yet still up nursing my newborn son I happened to look at his foot while he was sleeping and noticed that he had the same damn toe. I have no idea how I failed to notice it before.

    I kicked him. It made me feel better.

  238. Oooh, I love the lettering in this version! Although I do miss the taxidermy. <3

    Whether or not I win a copy of my very own, your book is on my list of things to read during my recovery from hip surgery (in two weeks!). Huzzah!

  240. I’m sorry… I know you typed some words and things but all I can do is stare at your thumb.

    I’m in awe.

    HOW IS IT SO TINY? Did it just grow that way? Did you have some sort of thumb reducing procedure? Or was it a straight up thumb graft? And if so, was it purely cosmetic or was there some sort of horrible thumb story we dont know about? Because if that last bit is true WE ARE GOING TO NEED DETAILS JENNY.

    Wait… co worker just informed me that its likely a perspective thing. And I was all “Are you saying I have freakishly large thumbs and thus am biased?! Cause my thumbs are just fucking fine thankyouverymuch”

    and then he explained camera perspective.

    But now I think I might have thumb issues.

  241. Isn’t it ridiculous that twitter sends you an email telling you what’s going on on twitter?

  242. I read Let’s Pretend This Never Happened on a 23 hour train/plane journey across the Indian desert, into Dehli, on the flight and layover to Moscow, and finally in customs in New York. With severe, terrible, no good very bad food poisoning. The laughing made it worse. I especially enjoyed the bit about the eating disorder. That was awesomely dark.

  245. I’m going to pretend this comment never happened. Unless I win, then it totally happened.

  246. im going with my middle toe. i dont think he gets as much love as the rest of the toes and its not fair.

  248. My favorite word is omphaloskepsis. It’s worth looking it up.

  249. If you tied two glass cow eye balls together they would make for a fair book mark!

  250. I would love to see the new chapter! Plus, a glass cow eyeball. But probably the new chapter more.

  251. Would love to have a copy! Amongst the many reasons is this very specific one: It is May 1st and looking out my window here in Minneapolis, MN, there is snow coming down. It has driven me to sit in front of my “Happy Lamp” and devour ice cream. Neither of those two things are doing shit to cheer me up. Lazies. You, however, do cheer me up. So there is that. Happy snowy May Day.

  252. 14…..does this refers to glass eyeballs or under-the-bed bodies? (;

  253. I’m forever trying to determine how people would walk and what chairs would look like if knees bent the other way.

  254. I don’t know how many bodies will fit under my bed, but I have always wondered if one could fit in my bird’s cage. It’s a big cage. I bet at least one could fit. He’s a small bird though. Why the fuck does he need such a huge cage?

  256. Jenny, you are one funny bitch! 🙂 I wish I had your talent and would love to win a copy of your book.

  257. I never actually considered the fact that some people may actually NEED more than one (or zero, preferably) glass eyes. But I guess if your eye sockets get bigger or shrink (do they shrink? what about skulls? I assume you’ve done the necessary research). I bet it’d be fun to change up some of the eyes on your taxidermied animals so some always looks permanently shocked.

  258. I like all of my toes equally. I could use a few glass eyeballs. I’d hide them in random places to scare my boyfriend. Bugs are icky. And I want a stingray named Edwin.

  260. My iPhone keep autocorrecting my name to the wrong thing so now I’m worried that it is trying to passive aggressively let me know it doesn’t love me back the way I love it. Is my phone Ron Swanson-ing me?

    What I should be doing is packing my house so I can move my family of nine (seriously? Why did I think seven kids was a good plan?) to a larger house. What I’m doing instead is worrying about how much my phone loves me. Obviously my priorities are in order here.

  261. I would LOVE to win one! I love reading your stuff! I often read out loud to anyone who will listen!

    Thank you!

  263. I should win! I gave away my copy to my niece for Christmas, and she never indicated if she enjoyed it, or if she was terribly offended, or anything. I can only assume that she has disowned me. So, I need a new copy to fill the void left in my heart by an ungrateful 19-year-old.

  264. I need to win so I can give it to my mom. Then maybe she’ll give me back my copy that she borrowed a couple months ago.

  265. How many glass cow eyeballs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    At least one – can’t expect the glass cow to do it blind now, can we?

  266. Bodies? They tend to smell when stored under your bed.
    Any interest in a jar of piglet tails in formalin? I know someone who knows someone that could unearth said jar. Fair trade? Your book for piglet tails?

  268. I was reading your blog at work yesterday and I started to giggle out loud. The woman who sits next to me became concerned that I was giggling to myself. So I read the bit about your husband buying trash bags out loud and made a bunch of my coworkers laugh. This is the joy that you bring. Especially to people like me who like you also deal with crippling anxiety and overwhelming depression and I just want to thank you for being awesome.

  269. I don’t read British, but I’d like a copy anyway.
    Thanks for being awesome. It makes the rest of us feel less lonely.

  270. I would give my pinkie toe for a box of vintage glass eyeballs!

  271. My favorite toe is the one I got a hideous blister on when I was in London this fall, and it has yet to heal completely. In fact, from time to time it just gets calloused over and hard and spiky, like the toe is trying to grow itself an extra, super claw like nail, one that comes out the back and periodically stabs the neighboring toe until it bleeds.

    Pictures available on request.

  272. I underestimated the amount of bodies that I could fit under my bed. My solution? I went out & bought a larger bed!

  273. My least favorite toe is the 2nd one on each of my feet because it is a little longer than my big toe, apparently, according to a Facebook meme, this means I have Greek feet.

  274. My book club is reading your book next month and I can’t wait to introduce them to The Bloggess.

  275. Every time I see a tin chicken in the store or on the road side I think of this blog…which is kind of a lot (shoulder shrug)

  276. Who did the UK translation of your book for you? Did they translate anything into “crimey”? Because I am not sure if it is an offical UK version without “crimey” being used at least once…

  277. I have a funny glass eyeball story, and by funny I mean slightly disturbing but hysterical to myself and a few other family members. My Uncle Harry lost an eye in a bar fight back in the 60’s and got a glass eye afterwards. He liked to freak out the children (and squeamish adults) in our family by popping it in and out for shock value. When he passed away, my Aunt took his ashes so that they could be buried with the next of his siblings to pass away. My Aunt is quite a hoarder and somehow Uncle Harry got lost for a few years. Each time another of his siblings passed away (there were 16 of them all together) she would attempt to find him but no luck. Over the passage of time, she also became the keeper of 3 other sets of ashes (seriously? who collects ashes!?!?!)
    A few years ago, she had to move and while helping her clean out her garage we found 4 boxes of ashes, all unmarked. Luckily, the mortician had put Uncle Harry’s eye in with this ashes, so by shaking the boxes we could figure out which one he was! He has found a new home, awaiting his final rest with one of his siblings. 🙂

  278. How exciting to get a box full of your books! I have the ebook version but I’d love to have a copy of the paperback with the extra chapter and since I don’t have it in the budget to buy it, I’d love to win one!

  279. I think my new office chair was built for a starship with transwarp drive because the arms keep swiveling over my legs, locking me in.

  280. Unfortunately, or not, there really isn’t much room under my bed for bodies, at least not human ones. There would however be room for a small to medium sized invading force of rats.

  281. I’m curious as to if my BFAM got into that new chapter. I mean, all I did was give you booze, HE asked to be your second husband if Victor ever dies.
    I’m supposed to be either doing pre-calculus homework OR writing a post for Modern Asia. Neither of these things is happening. Because I am a citizen in good standing of the ProcrastiNation.

  284. I would love to win a copy of your book! (sorry not feeling very creative today with the comment…)

  285. If I leave the dust bunnies, I’d say 6 bodies. More if they are small. Or cut up.

    I’ll stop now.

  286. Raising awareness campaigns just bring about mind fodder for my anxiety ridden, hypochondriac brain. I swear I have every disease under the sun with minimal symptoms. Also, I think 5 cow eyeballs are a lifetime maximum for most people. It has to be an odd number because one has to come from a pirate cow.

  289. I want to win, because “Pretend you’re good at it” is some of the best advice I’ve ever had.

  290. My least favorite toe is my right big toe because I broke it once when I slipped on black ice caused by broken pipes in the abandoned house up the street. I had to wear one of those ugly walking boots. And a former co worker asked for two years afterwards how my toe was for two years!!!
    Also I’m out of ice cream because my throat hurts from strep throat. And could use a pick me up like an autographed book.

  291. I own a copy but it’s not signed!! I would love to have an extra loaner so I can proselytize the anxious doctor who fan unicorn success club tribe.

  292. Left ring. Chacha, diane, & The Captain. 2. 2. But also, I’d really like to win because I am broke (unemployed & suffering from depression & anxiety, so unemployable really). I make ends meet, but can’t really afford a book & I would really love to read it. I don’t want you to think this is a sob story, no. People have it much worse, merely me pointing out, why I have not yet bought a book I really want to read. Plus, it would save my poor Harry Potter books, which are reread so much, they are crying. Literally crying. We’re trying to get the news to cover it, but they like Jesus Toast a lot better.

  293. I could add one of these next to my mini-Beyoncé and all would be right in the world, or just my room, prolly just my room. Until my wife came in and starting asking me questions about why I have books sitting around my cock, and why mini-Beyoncé was watching. Just kidding, the books would be around mini-Beyoncé… prolly.

  294. Probably a baker’s dozen on the glass eyeballs over a lifetime. You need that spare one in case one gets lost. That way the pairs of eyeballs remain even. Unless you’re a pirate. Then the extra one is a bonus.

  295. I’m super excited because my sister just texted me not-for-release pictures of her wedding dress. And now I am holding this knowledge over the heads of all our mutual friends.

  296. I found a cesspit in my garden & I didn’t know what to do with it. Now I am going to fill it with vintage glass cow eyeballs.

    Thank you!

  297. I only own the e-book, I’d love a hard copy to adorn my shelves 🙂

  300. Im still trying to figure out a way to get that morphine drip. Ive always wanted to french kiss a unicorn…

  301. Did you find time to add fake eyeballs to the Wolf Blitzer hat I gave you? If so, please post a picture- I think it would be creepy cool.

    Also, I’ve added the audio book to my mother’s day wish list- that’s an appropriate gift, right? This UK version would fit right in with the rest of my collection so please pick me!

  302. Thank you for the opportunity to win a BRITISH copy of your amazingly hilarious book. I have recommended it to all the readers I know. If you included a vintage glass cow eyeball with the book, I could check that off my bucket list, too.

  303. I let Jesus take the wheel this morning….he ran into a mailbox and didn’t leave a note. Asshole.

  304. I have only ever used one glass eyeball in my life. And it was thrown at someone. It wasn’t his, although that would make this funnier. Just in case you were wondering, it wasn’t mine either.

  305. There’s room for 3 bodies under my bed. The OCD cat. The reformed feral scaredy cat. And the cat-shaped body of fur shed by the previously mentioned cats. All three hang out there regularly. Inexplicably, there is also a half-deflated beach ball under there too.

  307. Oh, how I love you and your blog and your book! I will warn others that reading this book (which I borrowed, so I would love a copy of my very own) in pulic is dangerous! People look at you oddly if you snort loudly and laugh til tears run down your face in public! Jus sayin!

  308. My grandpa has a glass eyeball. He was shot in the Korean War. Let me tell you, it was quite terrifying as a child to stumble upon his spare eyeballs in a drawer while playing!! Makes you think your grandparents are like serial killers or something!!

  309. Are we talking CAT bodies under the bed, or HUMAN bodies? That makes a difference.

    And yes, I am a shameless book-wanting ho.

  310. OK, I didn’t do it out loud because I am at work. But in my head, my accent was sexy as hell if not completely Brit.
    And I have an eye tattooed on my back so clearly I should get in on this.
    Oh also, in middle school when they made us dissect a cow’s eye, I remember saying that it was just like one of those cherry cordial chocolates and my lab partner thinking I was an idiot.
    So there, all of that was even sort of on topic….

  311. My husband recently shattered 2 very old antique glass eyeballs on our kitchen floor, and I got the glass stuck in my toe. So, my favorite toe, the big one, actually had a glass eyeball in it.

    HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!

  312. If I get picked, I’ll try to send you a pic of the taxidermy albino muskrat that stared at me through most of my teen years. If mom still has it. Oh, what the hell, if she still has it, I’ll send you a picture anyway. I already bought the book. 🙂

  313. I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen on this blog when your daughter starts dating someday. I just have a feeling that her family’s going to make quite the impression. Also, I’ve been inspired to make incredibly odd things for dollhouses. Thank you.

  314. Glass eyeballs of any variety (unicorn, cow, mermaid) come in handy anytime inlaws are around. Or house guests…who doesn’t want a glass mermaid eyeball under their pillow (for good luck, of course)?

  315. When I was a little girl I had a reoccurring nightmare that I was walking down a long road with my two sisters and I would then suddenly fall into a giant pit filled with snakes. My sisters would look down the hole at me and laugh then walk off. Oddly I never developed a fear of snakes, but I have always been suspicious of my sisters when I see them laughing.

  316. how much hummus is too much hummus in one sitting? and why do some British people say noigh instead of no? please pick me so I can hollow out my US copy & fill it with other existential questions like the ones above instead of cocaine, since you apparently aren’t including any.

  317. Not sure the total number of bodies that could fit under my bed, but I know both of my cats and me can fit under there when I’m trying to chase them out to go to the vet!

  318. One of my relatives has a glass eye. I already bought the book but since my husband is a little nuts we “need’ this edition too. 😀

  319. I don’t have a name for my favorite body part, but let’s call it Beaker. I’ll let you figure out what it is.

  320. I can wiggle my ears. My sister says it is because I haven’t evolved.

    I have a favourite freckle. It is on my right shoulder.

    I wash my hair approximately once a week, and it is magical hair.

    I have a laugh so pronounced that you can almost picture a speech bubble with very bold Ha. Ha. Ha’s. coming out of it.

    I’d love to read your book, because I suspect it will be one of the rare ones I’ll actually finish.

    Having your autograph in it would just make it all the more spectacular.

    GRACIAS!

  323. Yay for extra chapter! Here’s something you should know – Wil Wheaton is now one of my most favorite people on the planet, and not being a Star Trek fan (Star Wars forever!), I first heard about him here on this little website of yours. The world works in mysterious ways. (You are one of my very favorite people, too!)

  324. I can’t fit any “LIVING” human bodies under my bed but lots and lots of cats, bugs, rodents and of course monsters could fit under there, too many to count really

  325. I don’t know how many bodies I can fit under my bed. It sits too low to fit those underbed storage thingies underneath it and that hurts my feelings. I guess it would depend on what body types and how you butcher them. I could probably fit a gaggle of supermodel parts, but not so many Michael Moores. Ooooh! Weekend project!

  326. I’m afraid to go out the front door. I suspect I will be attacked by a horde of tiny knomes. They are mad because I call them elves, but what else can I do? My 88 year old mom thinks they’re elves. She did so want an elf garden so I made her one… Sort of.

  327. I don’t know anything about glass cow eyes, but in college I had to dissect a real sheep’s eye, and it bounced out of our tray, across the table, and onto the floor, where it proceeded to roll away in a manner that convinced me it was possessed by the spirit of every cartoon, ever. It was horrifyingly hilarious even to me, the vegetarian for I-prefer-my-animals-fluffy-and-frolicking reasons.
    To top it all off, the eye was wide open, bright blue, and still had all its eyelashes. Seriously. I lived a cartoon life for five minutes.

  328. I have a pet goldfish named Sushi…

    Also, I would really love to win one of the UK version books.

  329. My grandfather had a glass eye, so he might have been able to use a replacement glass cow eye — in a pinch. But I can definitely use a copy of your book for complete enjoyment.

  330. The answer is always 42 😛 The question is what is the question.

  331. Just have to say, Love your book! My mother-in-law could use a few glass eyeballs I think…..she has a friend called Fritz, who’s a mannequin, and some real eyes would definitely get some attention! We’d just have to perform a minor surgery to get them in there 😉 And I’m pretty sure I can fit about 6 mini bodies under my bed, lol. The kids have all of this extra room when they crawl underneath it to hide.

  332. You really are my tribe. One day, I want to hide under a table with you and play some old white wolf games and roll for our taxidermied friends and/or glass figurines while drinking posh tea.

  333. I read this in Neil Gaiman’s voice.

    I think I’m going to start reading EVERYTHING in Neil Gaiman’s voice.

  334. I am a high school French teacher and am crawling towards the finish line of this school year. I would love an autographed copy if your book. I own a hardback version.

    Thank you for being the leader to our tribe. We love you!

  335. I woke up thinking about the movie “No Way Out” with Kevin Costner. And I got to thinking, what did they d this movie in Russia? I mean the big reveal at the end is Kevin speaking Russian therefore revealing that he was the Russian spy. If the movie was dubbed in Russian then how did they show that he was speaking actual Russian? This is the stuff that I wake up thinking about.

  336. I like the UK cover! Also why do they change that stuff like te British don’t know that the book was already released and that it had a great cover jacket already…

  337. I loaned my book to a friend that never returned it 🙁

  338. I have an answer to the “How Many Bodies Can you Fit Under Your Bed?” question.

    Conversation I had with Taylor Swift*:

    Me: Taylor, are you boy crazy?
    Taylor: NO! Don’t be silly. If I was boy crazy I would have to have like ANOTHER ex-boyfriend under my bed. And that would make like 5 of them under there. I am pretty sure 4 is the max that will fit under my bed.

    SEE? She totally knew the answer.

    *I am like 90% positive this conversation really happened, and it was not a dream. Okay maybe more like 80%. 70%? Ummm, maybe more like 50%. 50%-ish.

  339. Why don’t they make a grandmother’s day card that says..” We love you even if you’re the not so cool and fun grandma. And sometimes you are discouraging. But you are a good gardener. ??

  340. I coul possibly fit 3 bodies under my bed. It is all about presentation.

  341. I don’t really have a favorite toe, but I do have two least favorites. Those are the ones on the outside edge of my feet. The pinky toes, I guess? I don’t care enough about them to even know what their proper names are. All I know is that, at this point in my life, the only cosmetic surgery I would consider having is to get them removed so I don’t bang them into furniture anymore.

  342. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to have one – I’ve been buying and handing your books out to friends and family since it first came out 🙂

  343. The number of glass eyeballs someone needs in their lifetime can be calculated using this simple formula

    #eyes = number of cats owned * how cute you thought their names were + number of trips to rattlesnake farms as a child – number of trips to the morgue + number of cars with a stickshift driven in – the number of them that were Volvos

  345. I just got a blue Jeep TJ and I am totally naming her Jenny . . . partly after you, because you are awesome and partly after Jenny from Dr. Who (the doctor’s daughter who died but didn’t really die and then flew away in a space ship) cause she is awesome too, and you know that someday she will be back!

  346. In my family freckles are called “pretzels” and we have pretzel-eating parties. It gets really interesting when my kid goes to kindergarten and tries to explain our inner jokes!!

  347. In a former life I was drug addicted super model who liked to dress her pet chicken in a costume and walk him around town pretending to speak French (the chicken, not me was bilingual) while randomly asking people if they knew the way to San Jose.

  348. My pinky toe is my least favorite, for some reason it either sits lower on my foot or it is just disproportionately small but because of this it looks like I am missing part of my toe.

  351. I should definitely get one because I still use the phrase “Pony Danza” on a regular basis – and everyone in my house understands the reference 🙂

  352. I would love my own copy of your book! Can you also get me a copy of “Bone Quill”? The website I got the first in the series is out of stock.

  353. Devil Bunny needs a ham. He thinks reading this book will help him get one.

  354. I love your tribe! I’ve never felt so at home. I don’t know how many bodies will fit under my bed but I still want to be entered into the contest.

  355. I’m hiding in my bathroom from the small army of minions running around my house. Please send me a book to read while I’m trapped in here.

  356. I got a new kitten today… his name is Leviathan. If I could attach a picture to this comment I would because he is utterly adorable!!! Anyhow… thanks for being you because that shit is awesome!!!

  357. As a proud member of the tribe, I would be happy to win a eyeball or a book or pretty much anything you’re willing to part with. But especially the book.

  358. I am pretty hilarious in my own head, but it would seem I don’t have anything funny or interesting to say today. I am dreading summer because I hate, absolutely hate, shaving my legs. How’s about that??
    Oh, and Beyonce. I flippin’ love Beyonce, and his stories. Beyonce is funny stuff; pure roll on the ground, tears running down my face comedy.

  360. wellll it’s not a glass cow eyeball… but what the hell, put me in the drawing!!!

  361. Glass eyeballs fascinate me. How in the world do those things stay in there? If your muscles are strong enough to hold it in place, how are they delicate enough not to break it? I JUST DON’T GET THEM!!!

  363. Was thinking about the bodies… Probably 12 3/4. I’m pretty sure I can’t fit more than that. But I’d probably need some superglue to keep them together, so they don’t start falling apart. I don’t think Elmer’s would work very well. Maybe we should google “what best to glue dead bodies together” and see what google comes up with.

  364. OMG, I would love to win one because I bought a bookcase but all I have are Kindle books and the Kindle doesn’t fill up the bookcase very well, leaving way too much wood to dust. So, spare me some dusting and help me fill my new bookcase?

  366. My new married name is awesome because it sounds like a Disney name but also it’s from a horror movie 🙂

  367. I like you because we went to the same college, so now I feel like I’m cooler than other people who want to UT.

  368. Fantastic font on the book! Last night I asked my 15 year old daughter to stop what she was drawing and to draw a unicorn and girl kissing. I told her it was for you. She rolled her eyes at me and said “That’s not funny Mom”. So sad. I wonder when she became so serious.

    I wonder if looking at a box of glass cow eyeballs would make me dizzy?

  369. I’ve been wanting this book since you first released it but I can’t afford it due to needing to pay for the new human I appear to be growing. Clearly I need this book to make sure the baby has the right influences in its life, like giant metal chickens and a taxidermied menagerie…

  371. I named a pair of tango shoes “The Fassbenders”, thanks to a friend of mine’s creativity, my tendency to name everything, and lots of booze. The heel on the shoes is big……

  372. I love your blog and have your book on my to read list. I don’t have a witty comment of my own, that is why I read your writings!

  375. I have the audiobook so I would love an actual paper copy to see the pics (and new chapter.)
    Our bed has drawers underneath. Probably only 1 body would fit & it would have to be cut up into pretty small pieces.
    On the other hand, we used to keep ferrets & unbeknownst to us, the female was using the space in between where the drawers didn’t meet on the inside as a “nest.” When we moved, we found ALL sorts of things under there including what must have been an entire box of frosted flakes cereal. She had her own box in the cabinet and would steal them one flake at a time. We thought she ate them, but no.
    I’d say 8 or 10 weasels could fit under the bed in that space, easily.

  376. Well, I DID call my breasts “haikus” yesterday on someone else’s blog. It was a proud moment for me, indeed.

    I want the British version of the book. Do I need to speak British to read it, ya think? Should I look into foreign language classes now?

  377. This Comment Was Brought To You By The Letter X And A NeW Prescription For Celexa

  378. Today I read a story about a lady who found a FROG in her can of green beans and my first thought was, “God! It’s really too bad it wasn’t Jenny who found that. She would have been so happy. Finally, a dead, free animal to dress up.” I was picturing a “Froggy goes a’courting” theme which tells me I have clearly thought way too much about this.

  379. Let’s pretend this did happen and I won the book. I’m now pretend jumping for joy and pretend popping open champaign. But I want to live in the real world so let’s make that happen!

  380. Do dead dust bunnies under the bed count as bodies? Or do they have to be dead real bunnies? I don’t think I have any dead real bunnies–although I haven’t checked lately. But I’m pretty sure I have at least four score and seven dead dust bunnies in the guest room alone. I’m afraid to look under any of the other beds.

  382. I really think the amount of glass cow eyeballs one can really use in a lifetime depends on how large their glass vase is. Just think about it, a beautiful bouquet in a glas vase filled with glass cow eyeballs. Talk about a conversation starter!

  384. I am somewhat lacking in knowledge of glass eyeballs, but one time my Grandma took out her dentures in Meijer and demanded the stock person hold them while she tried out a new type of denture glue. You are both my heros for being so awesome. (Also I was doing some of my usual contemplation about unicorns while writing this, and now all I can think of is unicorns with dentures.)

  385. I can’t fit any people under my bed….except the little tiny people that live in the heating vents. My house is fairly old and I hear them all the time so I know they live in there. You could probably fit a whole city of them under my bed. I have an old jewelry box under there, I am sure they will love making things like a chair for their king from my old necklaces and earrings.

    I enjoy your blog a lot and your twitter account. Thanks for being the weirdest most awesome you that you can be.

  386. I like all my toes, equally. I’m thinking we could hide maybe 4 dead bodies under the bed, providing they are skinny bodies.
    Thank you for making some of my work days not so dreary.

  387. I saw a raccoon last night when I came home from work at 1am. Immediately I thought of “Raccoons wearing jams”. I laughed so hard he started to run away, stopping every couple hops to look back at me. I apologize to the neighborhood for cackling so loudly.

  388. My partner is my favorite first responder for somnambulism. Last night I apparently woke him up by standing over him and stating, “there are TWO snakes in the bed.” He told me this morning that, after soothing me back to sleep, his half dozing brain decided there may actually be snakes in the bed. He had to do a full covers check before getting back to sleep himself.

    He totally deserves a book.

  389. The fact that we both share a very scary obsession with Doctor Who should automatically make me a winnner. 🙂

    And, I read everything in a British accent.

  390. I just watched a video of a chef breaking down an entire lobster.

    Lobsters look like giant bugs to me, and I could never eat one.

    At least, not if it looked lobster-y. If it were cut up into little pieces and looked NOTHING like a lobster, I could probably eat it.

    But then there’s the remote chance that I’m allergic to it. Actually, that chance isn’t terribly remote. I have 2 younger sisters who are deathly allergic to lobsters. And shellfish. And bees. So, unless someone’s got an epipen on them, I would hope they didn’t hide bits of lobster in my food.

  391. This book is my favorite read for, we’ll, I don’t know. Maybe forever. I have recommended it to a buch of people and all of them love it and have raved about it to others. The problem is that in little Willow, Alaska, I am afraid someone is going to kidnap the book from the library. Just the other day I decided I needed to read it for the sixth time and it wasn’t there!! I was alarmed and I immediately realized that someone is going to abscond with this book. I will be left bereft. Any help would be appreciated. Ta! (Very British)

  392. My least favorite finger is my right ring finger. I smashed it in a door, lost the nail, had the nail sewed back on (ewwww) lost nail again….

  393. THERE IS AN ANIMAL LIVING INSIDE MY BEDROOM WALL. I hear scratches constantly, especially at night, sometimes even when I play Taylor swift on pandora. I named the animal living in my wall Rambo, because judging by the sound level and amount of scratches there are, it must be some type of large animal. Quite possibly a raccoon or maybe even a pack of raccoons (do raccoons come in packs or heards? Maybe a flock of raccoons?) anyways, I named the animal living inside my bedroom wall Rambo because at the time, I was reading the chapter in your book about your Rambo who used to was soap bars in the sink. Maybe it’s your Rambo who is living inside my wall….

  394. I’ve had a prosthetic eye since i was 5, so I already have like, half a dozen of those things sitting in a drawer at home. I would say your estimate of around a dozen is pretty accurate for the number an average person might need in a lifetime. Good job.

  395. I rather like all my toes. I can’t quite imagine trying to balance with any of them missing. But I specifically enjoy my pinkie toe, because it has a tiny, little, barely-there toenail that it’s pretty much impossible to get nail polish to stay on.

  396. I don’t much care for taxidermy but my nephew went to school for it. 🙂

  397. I am distracted by how much I love the font of the title for the paperback. I’m disappointed in myself for being so font-focused.
    But then I think about how the words “cow eyeballs” would look in that font and feel like I’m back on topic again.

  398. I read magazines from the back cover, working my way forward. Does anyone else do that?

  400. There are many variables to consider when calculating the approximate number glass eyeballs a person would use in a lifetime. How responsible is the owner of said glass eye? Is this person a roller coaster enthusiast? (Apparently this is a frequently lost item according a ride operator I talked to.) How late in life did the need for the glass eye occur? Does this person own cats? There are endless ways to lose/break a glass eye, especially if you are as clumsy and forgetful as me. My answer to the question, and all math problems I can’t figure out….42.

  404. I covet your taxidermied menagerie. I once found some taxidermied mice wearing a Pope costume and also wings and some flying bats but they were ridiculously expensive. Live mice are like $2 but dead mice are over $100. Srsly.

    Sad panda.

  405. One day my husband and I were in a farm store and there was Rascal Flatt’s song playing over the system. I heard, “Your daddy won’t mind if we slip in a fondle” and I blurted that out. My husband stared at me and said, “No, it’s your daddy won’t mind if we save him a bundle.”

    Also I once said something about eating my own poop in reference to a pug meme I saw on the Interwebz. It sounded like I was talking about eating my poop, when in fact, I was talking about the dog. People heard. And they stared. I only admit things like this on your blog. It’s like a confessional.

  406. At first I was excited thinking that you actually had a box of glass cow eyeballs because then I could ask where you got them. You see, about 20 years ago I was in high school and really liked cows. One day my dad picked me up from school and he saw the carousel horses that some kids in a woodworking class were making. He decided that we should make a cow. So we did. Only we just used plain white marbles for the eyes. And now everyone who sees the cow is freaked out by the eyes.

    You also mention toes… my 2.5 year old son says “toe paste” instead of toothpaste.

    And finally, I’m an anglophile, so I would love a British copy of your book!

  409. The number of bodies that fit under a bed is directly proportionate to how small you cut them up.

  410. I was telling my cousin about your blog. She doesn’t have the internet, but it turns out she is reading your book. Turns out, we are more alike than we thought. Yay to you! Bringing families together and all. You must be so proud! One of these days she will get on the internet if there’s a non-seizure inducing method for her to do so. One day I will finally make it to the top of the waiting list at the library for your book. Or I could win one, which would be awesome. Because I know about 10 other people that want to read it, but …huge waiting list at the library. And lack of money.
    So, cheers to you and fingers crossed for me

  411. I’ve been up for almost 30 hours, and I’m holding an infant.

  412. If you send me a copy, then it’s your fault not mine that I stayed up all night reading it.

    BTW, what is different between the US and UK versions?

  414. So, my dad used to work for a medical devices and pharmaceuticals company. He specifically worked in sales for scalpels and syringes. And he would use cows eyes for demonstrations. So, you know, I grew up with boxes of these things just hanging around the house.

  415. Was just sitting here thinking about all the things that can be done with a box of glass eyeballs! What fun! 😀

  416. I think the most interesting thing going on today for me is that my nine month old son just learned how funny it is when he farts. He giggles to himself EVERY time he lets one go. And I die laughing EVERY time. Everyone I know is working right now and unable to chat so you’re the first one who I can share this with. I can’t wait until my husband gets home and sees my son do it. He’ll think its hysterical.

    On another note, if you actually had glass cow eyeballs, you could have someone use them to put in a taxidermied animal that they don’t belong in. Like, how great would it be to have a taxidermied fish with big cow eyeballs instead of the normal boring fish ones? I’d love it. If I knew anyone who knew who to do that, I’d have them do that for me. Then I’d hang it up and take a picture and send it to you. But I don’t know anyone, so I guess you’ll just have to use your imagination.

  417. So I tried to find some data on the question of how many glass eyes a person might use in a lifetime. To figure it out you could theoretically divide the number of glass eyes in use by the total human population of the planet, giving you at least a rough estimate. Unfortunately, all I could dig up with any reliability is that Sammy Davis Jr. had one. (the left) I hope that information is useful to someone.

  418. Could I please have a book AND a glass eyeball? I need more weird shit on my desk at work. It would look great sitting next to my bow tie wearing miniature rubber chicken and my tiny paper Tardis.

  419. I don’t know how many bodies would fit under my bed, so instead I will just say something about my dog: he is very fluffy and licking the computer screen at the moment.

  420. I need one of those books… and also some glass eyeballs so I can leave them around the house to freak out my husband!

  421. Thank you for identifying the tribe. I think I could fit at LEAST 6 grown men under my bed, 10 if I chop them up first. I don’t have pet names for any body parts, but I think my leg is haunted.

  422. Have you ever wondered how many peg legs a regular pirate would go through in a lifetime?

    Just wondering…

  423. I had a friend whose sister had a glass eye. She used to pop it out for our entertainment whilst riding around their house on the back of their dog, (a black labrador called Goneril), wearing a vest & pants and a motorbike crash helmet.

    (That image is way funnier in British than it is in American).

    Also, I offer you this: British national treasure Clare Balding in conversation with 3 taxidermists on a walk in West Yorkshire. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01mwzwb. I’m not sure if they discuss Dr Who.

  424. I have an entire shelf of weird at my desk at work now. It is all your fault. Thank you for encouraging me to embrace my weird and ridiculous through all that you do.

  425. It’s snowing. Again. Today. May 1st. In fact, we had at least one solid winter snow storm each week all through April and apparently May wants to join in. Gah! Maybe if everyone I know reads your book and we all laugh-til-we-cry, the weather gods will be nice and send us some spring?

  426. It’s May 1st and we have a blizzard that should dump 8-12″ of snow on us. Spring in CO FTW!!!

    Plus, I want the book…

  427. You know those squishy eyeballs you can buy at Halloween…well, don’t throw them at an acoustic tile ceiling. Trust me…I learned the hard way 🙂

  428. My almost five year old had his first karate lesson yesterday, and I think it might have been the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me.

  429. I have been a fan since Beyoncé came around. Every once in awhile when I’m having a bad day I go back and read that one again, it always makes me laugh. Knock knock motherfucker!

  430. I can tell you exactly how many bodies I can fit under my bed….. my ferrets hide them there every day. I have beaver bodies, and chicken bodies, and sheep bodies.

  431. I want one of the new Jonny Justice Gund toys. I’d post a pic, but I’m computer lame so I can’t. Jonny is one of the dogs that was rescued from Michael Vick’s house of horrors. He’s going to be a totally adorable Gund stuffed pit bull complete with one pink and one black ear. Cutie patootie!

    As a backup, a signed copy of your book would be AWESOME though!

    😉

  432. I totally want to win. Mostly because I was yelled at for writing on an old envelope today. Because you know,
    you need to re-use it.

  433. I work at an Amish travel agency and I have it on good authority that they (the Amish) wouldn’t use glass cow eyeballs. Also, I would love to have a copy of this book because a) I could really use a win–believe, Amish travel agency is not nearly as glamorous as it sounds– and b) I’ve been told I’m boss at reading Harry Potter aloud, so I’m assuming I would be equally awesome at reading your book!

  434. I have one of those beds with drawers underneath. You’d think the drawers would extend all the way to the middle of the bed, but they don’t, so I have this long narrow gap down the middle of my bed. I could totally stash a body there (or maybe a stack of 3 bodies), and no one would know! I guess it would get kinda stinky, but having no sense of smell, it wouldn’t bother *me* one bit. I’ll just blame it on the chicken skin I discarded in the trashcan a few days ago.

  436. I once broke my favorite toe, Pinky, running from my uncle Frank. He was chasing me with his glass eyeball…although it was not a ball at all, it was a curved piece of glass with an eyeball on it….ewwww, run!

  437. After two years of trying to get pregnant and three months of NOT having a period, I found out today that I’m not pregnant. I need a win. Downer? Sorry. :-/

  438. Just so you know, you have totally ruined knock knock jokes for me. Cause as soon as any one says “Knock Knock” I shout Motherfucker and laugh like a crazy person. Your book might help me over come this problem. At least give me something else to laugh about but then people still wouldn’t know what I was laughing about, so they would still think I am crazy, but really I am a little crazy so that part doesn’t bother me at all. Actually, I am a lot crazy but I don’t let it show. Anyway, I want to win a free book. Thank you.

  439. …I’m 30 weeks pregnant with twins and 30 weeks without anti-depressants…in need of some reading that will make me feel like someone else is having a shittier time than me…

  441. How bout a joke? Where do you find a no-legged dog? Right where you left him.

  442. I am having wine for lunch. If you were here I would pour you a big glass, and we could wine together. Or I could win your book and giggle all lunch long. ~cheers

  443. I love that during my 4 year old’s parent-teacher conference, my daughter’s teacher had already read your book, but knew nothing of the blog. I also love that my friend, for whom I bought your book, read it in less than a week then gave it to me so I could read the extra chapter.

  444. I could fit six human bodies under my bed, but at present the only one that needs to be there is that of the woman I share an office with, so that I cab dispatch her ridiculous yappy little Cavachon dog (Queen Boo Boo. No, really) and have it stuffed, so that it can finally do something useful and serve as a coffee holder for me. Harsh? Maybe. Fair? I think so. Of course, I could avoid all this if I had a jar of glass eyes. Or a new book to read…

  445. To the queastion: How many glass eyeballs can you use in a lifetime?

    My answer: Probably 20,000 or so. I tend to get carried away when I buy something and I could post photos of my 500,000 (probably close to an accurate count…they were bargains afterall) buttons, my 7500 record albums (except I already copied them to disk and tossed the real things as they took up a full 10×10 storage building), my 12,000 8 tracks (except see above). I’ll almost stop there, but you can add just about anything else I run across at auction where you bid $5 for the entire table! I am downsizing though.:)

    So, no number is too big when I come across something I think I might need someday.

    Eyeballs? Probably not, but you never can tell.

    I would love an autographed copy of your book though to give to my daughter who is your #1 fan (I’m a close second).

    Thanks!
    Linda

  446. The rectal temperature of a three toed sloth is usually between 28 C and 32 C. If you take the temp for a week that is average. I don’t recommend it, though.

  449. Pick me! Pick me! My daughter who is eight loves your book (she is permitted to read select sections so long as she pronounces inappropriate language correctly) and I will give it to her for her birthday. 🙂 She calls you the “let’s pretend lady”.

  450. I bought your hardcover, the kindle version, and the paperback, I would LOVE to add the UK version to my collection!

  451. I need to practive my British accent.

    PS Kara #54 gotta ask – did your office fit glass eyes for cows? (since you didn’t do them for people that is)*wink*

  452. The number of bodies I could fit under my bed would depend on how they were arranged and if stacking in layers was allowed. Arranged vertically, I could probably fit three adults under there. Horizontally, I could probably get four in there. If they were arranged like the lattice top of an apple pie, I could probably fit 7 under my double-size bed. The bed frame belonged to my great-grandmother.

  454. My question with the glass cow eyes are how durable are they? The reason I ask is because one of my cats (the one that gets upset if I step outside even for five minutes) thinks that everything that rolls is a cat toy. So how many eyeballs would I need to keep him happy for a year?

  456. eeeeeeeee! This would make me very happy! I was in hysterics in public settings while reading edition 1. Does this have bonus chapter?

  458. My first job was capping cherry bombs in the garage with my father, who then sold them to the mob. As I got older he down-scaled the operation to just selling to neighborhood twenty-somethings, and I graduated to fusing by high school. I need this book to remind me that compared to some, my childhood was perfectly normal.

  459. My dad actually wrote “Who Let The Dogs Out” in the ’80s. Except that in his version there was more swearing, less rhyming, and I was grounded in the end. Also instead of it being dogs, it was llamas. But that’s a different story.

  460. I’m totally in your tribe. Last Christmas I gave my husband the tiny Beyonce replica — wrapped in a small box, inside of a bigger box, inside of a giant box. When he opened the first box and saw the 2nd one, there was a note that said “Knock, knock…” The 3rd box had a note saying “Perspective. Now you have it.” By the time he got to the (tiny) Big Metal Chicken, I was dying. Our kids kept saying, “What? What? What’s so funny? I don’t get it…” which only made us laugh harder. Best Christmas present ever.

  461. According to my 11 year old son, the fact that it is raining is completely my fault. And the best use of his day is to make sure I know how much I screwed up his plans to play basketball with friends..

  462. I actually need a new copy of your book because I lent mine to one of the 5 3/4 cool people I know (not to be confused AT ALL with the 10 2/3 bodies that would fit under my bed) and unless I use my favorite body part, Matilda, to intimidate the cool people and figure out who has it, I might not get to read your book myself for the 7th time. And that, my dear, would be a shame.

  463. I’m thinking one could probably use two glass eyeballs for each body stored under the bed, maybe a few more if you wanted to get really creative.

  464. My Yorkie Katie forces herself between me and the remote control, my cell phone, and especially my tablet.
    Although she has GOT to know how much it annoys me, she puts her little doggie face right up close to mine to better stair into my eyes.
    I have not spent enough time with paper books to wonder if she is jealous of them as well.
    Fortunately, my wife thinks our sorted love affair is cute.

  466. My favorite toe is my pinkie because when I break it (which is often), I don’t have to worry about painting the nail. Um, ew.

    My girls are George and Frank because men are boobs too.

    At most, 6 glass eyeballs. Unless you have kids, then double that for each child.

    Easily I could fit 6 bodies under my bed. My kids have that much of their shit under there.

  468. I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED your book and am anxiously awaiting your next one. I was going to hold my breath while I waited and I tried but failed. I read your book while waiting for my kids at various sports practices….well, that is when I started reading your book. I had to stop reading it in public because I was giggling at inappropriate moments and even snorted a few times :). I keep waiting to meet you in Eastern PA on a book tour so you can sign my copy. A mailed one ouls be a good consolation prize though….

  470. Bought the book. Love the blog. Would give the book to a friend if i won.

  471. If we are part of a tribe does that mean we can buy land and build a casino on it? Just imagine a Tribe Bloggess Casino and imagine all the taxidermists that would be employed!

  473. I already have two copies of the hardback US version so I don’t really need another one. Unless this one has the extra chapter and then I totally want in. I can’t justify buying a third copy just for a chapter, even thought I really like you and have made everyone I know read this blog.

  474. My almost 50 year old teddy bear has glass eyes, but they’re not exactly eye balls. That makes sense, right?

  475. Have you sold enough books to be able to afford to send one to England? If so, pick me! If not, stop slacking.

  477. I’d read that book with a Cockney accent. Stuff me ‘ead full wiff awll vat good readin’ wot you wrote.

  478. Last week I read “Heart Shaped Box” because Wil Wheaton told me to. I almost shit my pants. Today I started “Still Missing” and it took approximately 3.2 pages to make me start freaking the f*#k out. Please send me a copy of your book so I have something to pick me back up the next time I decide to terrorize myself for 350+ pages.

  479. Hi Jenny! Please Enter me to win one of your books. I come to your blog and always get a laugh and something new to ponder. Winning a book would be even better- coz for now being only able to see you blog and not the whole book is like being late for a party and the door is locked but I can see a glimpse of all the fun I could be having (reading our book) through a curtained window (your blog). PS I tried to get my daughters baby rabbit stuffed until I found out it would cost $300 and possibly not even look like said bunny when finished coz of how stretchy their skin is…oh well…

  480. I’m not sure about my favorite toe, but my least favorite is the 4th… The one before the pinkie toe. Don’t know why; I just don’t like it.

  481. Ok I just finished season 5 of Doctor Who and WOW! Yeah yeah, I know I’ve still got a season and a half to go. As Riversong would say: Spoilers! And #10 will always be my fav.

  482. I came for the eyeballs, but I’m sticking around anyway. If you manage to pop one in the box with the book I won’t complain. 😉

  483. No bodies would fit under the bed. However, my house used to be a funeral home, so I could probably fit two dozen in the room that used to be the embalming room if I stack them like cord wood. More if the bodies are small, less if they rather large.

  484. The only comment I can think to leave is that I wish I knew where to purchase a giant metal chicken just so I can leave it on my front porch and record my husbands reaction to see if its anywhere close to Victor’s!

  485. Loved the book! Read it at least twice, including one chapter out loud to my mother. I thought she was going to choke on her coffee. In a good way. Not that choking is good…. It was more like a burst of laughter mid-sip of coffee, causing coffee to go down the wrong pipe… Now I feel like I’ve over explained it… Anyway, I hope the book goes to somebody who hasn’t had a chance to read it yet! They’ll love it!

  486. I WANT TO WIN!!!! Just so I can read this book in a British accent!!!!!

  487. Pick me, pick me! It’s raining so hard right now that water is flowing under the back door into my living room. An autographed copy of your book would make this a non-issue, because then I’d be busy reading it all again and not distracted by the water.

  488. I just give a copy to my grandmother for her 79th birthday. I’ve always has a sneaking suspicion that we are the leaders of the tribe in our family. The rest of them pretend to be far too normal!

    I can’t wait to hear what she says. She’ll either tell my husband to commit me or officially announce me her favorite.

  489. You told me I could discuss anything . . .
    I was contemplating this just the other night: “What makes some men sluttier than others?” Although I don’t yet have the science to back it up, I think I might have the answer . . . penis size. Maybe it’s my average sized penis that has made me the morally righteous person that I am today? Would I be a stereotypical man-whore if I had a bigger penis that I felt didn’t need to be hidden from the vast majority of the world? For instance, I would NEVER post a picture of my penis on the Internet or send it through a text message like so many do these days, but I don’t know how much of this is because I have a strong set of morals or a small penis.

  490. My husband got me my own giant metal rooster last year for my birthday, after I read him the Beyonce story. I named him (the rooster) Kanye (we share a birthday).

  492. I am a mom of triplets and I would LOVE to find time to read your book if you send me one 🙂

  494. I have a metal rooster, named Nathan Fillion. He holds twine while wearing Viking horns!

  495. There is a squirrel on my front porch taunting my indoor cat. It is funny.

    Also, if I were to win a glass cow eyeball, I would probably let my cats play with it.

  496. Eeeeeeeeeeeee! This would make me very happy! I was in hysterics in public settings while reading edition 1. Does this have bonus chapter?

  498. 1. Definitely the index (?) toe on my right foot. It’s straight, the nail always looks good, and it’s not as long as the big toe.
    2. Um, right and left? Happy place? Useless (if you’re talking about my left shoulder at the moment, 2 weeks and 1 day after surgery)?
    3. Um…if they’re HUMAN glass eyes…the average person would use 0, because the average person has both their eyes. If you’re you or my mother (well, she has glass hands and a head, does that count?)…32. So you can switch them out so they don’t fade or something.
    4. Definitely like…3 at least. It isn’t very high off the bed, but it’s 180cm by 200cm. Hooray, my last 3 months living in Europe?

    I’m rather wishing I hadn’t gone back to work before the end of the period the doctor told me I COULD stay home if I decided to do so. Work sucks. But I felt guilty that the people who were covering so I could stay home from work (and play computer games all day) were sleeping at work. So I went to work since I OBVIOUSLY can work on a computer since I played computer games all day and now I’m pissed because we finally have enough people to cover so she doesn’t have to stay at work all night but I can’t take the rest of that time because that’d be…well…wrong. Or something. GAH RESPONSIBILITY! WHY DO YOU SUCK?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?! FML. Or KMN. I don’t know which.

  500. my pinky toes are awesome because I have 2 separate nails on them. 2 teeny tiny nail beds on my one pinky toe. Evolution? why yes, I am an X-man.

  501. I’m having a sad right now, because our dog (i.e. our son) had cancer, and we had to put him down on Monday at 3:30am. Fuck cancer sideways. I could use a laugh now.

    Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. Anyone have a good fart joke to tell me to make me smile?

  502. Yay! I’d love a copy, you’re blog is one of the highlights of my day when a new post is made. 🙂

  506. Glass eyeballs could definitely fit under my bed, no wait…you said bodies. Well You can never have enough bodies.
    I think if you wanted…you could fit at least 12 bodies under my bed…Obvioiusly you would have to go all American Psycho on them but it could fit. Then for flip sake we could throw like 1700 eyeballs under there.
    how do we feel about glass testicals, I can imagine there are a lot of those laying around too.
    I’m just sayin.

  507. I am finally starting my own business! My version of wearing a red dress. You have inspired me to stop being afraid of failure and what other’s think because while I may not be perfect I am awesomeriffic just the way I am.

  508. Bummed out about the cow eyeballs. However, my grandmother grew part of a testicle, later in life. Wouldn’t that have been so much more effective early on? I am fairly certain that is where I get my balls from.

  509. Pick me!
    This morning I peed in the shower. Which is a gross thing to do. Especially when you ate asparagus the night before. The steam makes it smell 100 time worse. Ew. Really bad way to start the day. I need a bewildering memoir to make things right. Well, right-ish. right-er?

  510. My favourite toe is the right middle one that is ‘stunted’ but you can’t tell until you cover up the others! (you asked:)

  511. I have one thumb shorter than the other one (not both on the same hand, I should clarify), but, I call my shorter thumb, “Nubby.” He likes it when I draw a face on him. His favorite is a pirate face-eye patch, etc.- and make him talk in a pirate “arrrrr” type of talk.

  513. I could use a good pick me up. We are in the middle of house hell trying to get our ready to sell. A signed book would totally make me forget about this shit hole of a house.

  514. I think the best number of glass cow eyeballs is 7 (and I’m not saying that to be purposefully cliché, the things I do say to be purposefully cliché make sense to no one but me) but because the 7th of May is my birthday, and that’s in just a couple of days incase you lost your calendar with all those eyeballs…
    And the best birthday present – second to your next book coming out that day would be if you sent me a copy of the UK version of your book 🙂 Pretty please and dearest regards

    – the littlest ninja

  516. The pinkie toe. It doesn’t grow as fast and needs the least amount of nail polish. The other toes are just high maintenenace!

  517. You brighten my day all the time and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. Don’t ever stop what you do. You are the greatest!

  518. You perpetually make me snort with laughter at work, which is bad, because people often then ask me what’s so funny. Apparently not everyone thinks your as funny as I do, I suspect it’s because they are mentally deficient or have some other unfortunate birth defect. So it’s not really their fault. I bought my mom an ereader and gave her your book & she laughed so hard, she almost peed herself. 🙂

    I love you and I’m glad there’s a tribe for us.

  519. I live in St. Louis and just recently discovered that Provel and provolone are two different types of cheeses. Like, Provel has provolone in it, but it also has some other cheeses in it too. I just thought someone got lazy and didn’t want to spell out provolone.

  522. I know that the bodies of four children can fit under my bed, along with a couple of pounds of cat hair and some pretzels that have probably been there for years.

  523. I don’t think I have a favorite toe, but I feel bad for my left pinkie toe, as it gets a bit squished under its neighbor. I’m fascinated that the nail grows a little to the outside. Not so much that you’d really notice, but if you knew the toe like I do, you’d see it’s having to adjust, like a smaller tree reaching out from the shade of a taller one to get some sunshine…

  525. My favorite color is orange, and my current hobby is nail polish. I love all your taxidermied (is that a word?) animals!

  527. Since fish don’t have eyelids, what do they do to remove fish food or poop if it gets stuck on it’s eye?

  528. The other day, whilst camping with some Cub Scouts we were talking about how there was a creature trouncing around the woods. I told the boys it had have been a Chupacabra. Growing up in West Texas, I am well aware of the dangers of the Chupacabra; We live in Tennessee now and all the boys, mine included, thought I was making it up. My husband and some of the other adults thought it was hilarious. My husband whispered “You should have said ‘Chalupa’, instead.”

    Jenny, you make our everyday lives bearable. You are often quoted in this household; no worries, I edited the best excerpts (ie: all) for the children.

  529. If I were to get a kanji tattoo it wouldn’t say “peace” or “hope” it would say “diarrhea” to celebrate my anxiety disorder induced IBS. And because it would be hysterical.

    Also, you rock.

  530. CAN”T WAIT… I’ve reccomended this book to EVERYONE I know. It’s the BEST!

  532. I heard about your book, then I started following your blog. I have it on my GoodReads list, but alas, I have not read the book yet. If I win a copy, I would love it and squeeze it and call it George.

  533. My right big toe is my favorite. It’s the only one I haven’t had broken in the past in some sory of accident due to clumsiness or horses stepping on my feet.

  534. Glass cow eyeballs… Now I’m ruminating on if there are vets who specialize in teaching eyesocket Kegels to keep the bloody things in…. Not bloody in the graphic sense, but seemed like a nice ‘Brit’ thing to say in celebration of your UK printing.

  535. I wonder when my 3 year old will understand why “But I’m so tired!” is not a valid argument against going to bed. Also, my 1 year old squeals with delight when I take her into a shoe store. She’s going to need a dedicated shoe closet by the time she’s a teenager.

  537. Hi there! I like to read your blog when I should be working. I read the excerpt from your book from when you used to work in HR and snorted (loudly) with laughter (again, at work). Also, I’m looking for our next house and it’s slowly driving me out of my mind so if I could win a copy of your book, I’d be much obliged.

  538. Are you talking about frenching a unicorn bc you are jealous that Victor has Beyonce? Has she found a place to call her own at your new place?

  539. you had me at “read this in a sexy British accent” and I promise to do that in my head with the entire book 🙂 I would love a copy if you have it to spare for the likes of me..

  540. Today when my daughter was pooping, she asked me to shake her to make more poopoo come out.

  541. I would love a copy of you UK version to read while in the UK.

    Thank you for making depression & anxiety easier for “normal” people to understand!

  542. My grandmother had a friend with a glass eye. She would pop it out at random and it freaked me out to no end. However, it didn’t freak me out enough to not ask her to do it again.

  543. My good friend has a glass eye because his cousins were throwing broken shards of glass at each other when he was eight and he got hit in the eye. He has a completely different appreciation for the saying “it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye”.

  544. For the love of god, let me have one. if I can’t have Tom Selleck then I should at least get this book. Please, I’m begging you.

  545. I’m procrastinating on my thesis by watching YouTube videos and reading blogs. Obviously, re-reading your book with the extra chapter would be a far better use of my time!

  546. came to your book signing in KC..where my book was autographed to Christine:)…so maybe I could get a replacement-Crystle 🙂

  547. Omg omg omg me me me! I’ve listened to the audio book about fifty-eleven times! My book shelf NEEDS this book.

  548. I’ve never seen a purple cow (eyeball), I never hope to see one (that’s a lie)
    But I can tell you anyhow, that I rather win than eat one!

  549. We call our printer at work “Freddie Robutt”. I have no idea why, but that is it’s name. I work at a bank and when the salesman comes in and we ask for toner for Freddie Robutt he knows exactly what we want. I have also requested from the same salesman “an old priest, a young priest, and a vat of holy water”. His response…”I can get the priests but the holy water is on backorder”. Made my day.

  551. I could never have a jar of glass eyeballs…ever! If I ever stopped taking my meds (for whatever reason) they would be a target of one of my angry rants. I’d be all “How dare you all follow me everywhere I go! Do something useful, like form a mouth from Labyrinth and talk to me instead of just staring at me! And why are your all looking in different directions, stop making me feel fat!” and shit like that.
    Then I’d break the jar and have to explain to my husband that the eyeballs started it by calling me fat, and he’d ask me how they did that, and then he and I would have an argument over the damned eyeballs….

    I’m better off jar-of-eyeballsless and staying on my meds.
    But I’d totally love a copy of your book!

  552. I’ll take some autographed eyeballs, i’m not picky

  553. Glass eyeballs aren’t nearly as collectible as one might imagine. Nor as valuable. Ohhh, the things one learns watching Storage Wars!

  557. The cover is great and all, but I am sorely disappointed that there is not a new picture of a non-alive pet on the cover again. Surely that would make the Brits pick up the book MORE often? Or is taxidermy against the law there now? Maybe just in print because there was a shitload of non-alive pets on “The Tudors”. And Jeremy Irons is still on “The Borgias”…..

  558. I have an autographed copy of your hardback book, but it has someone else’s name in it….. while it does add to the charm and all, it would be nice to have an autographed book with my name in it.

  559. I’ve never considered how many bodies I could fit under my bed, but I did see an old suitcase in Goodwill that would easily hold one body. When I mentioned it my husband replied that it would fit two if we cut them up. And that’s why I love him.

  560. I’d love to win a copy of your book, but I’d be just as happy with a bunch of vintage glass cow eyeballs. I have a vase that’s currently filled with clear marbles and it would make a much better conversation piece if it were filled with giant glass eyeballs, don’t you think?

  561. The only I can say is that I can’t look at taxidermy without thinking of you. That, and you should probably really never search Ebay for taxidermy animals. Dear Lord, what won’t people stuff?

  562. Totally LOVED your book and got my cousin to get it too! She says she is definitely part of your tribe…the kind of people she likes to call “demflicted”…demented and afflicted. LMAO Keep the funny coming! Can’t wait for another book!

  563. I want to win so I can pass it along to other people and force them to read it. I read a copy from the library, so I don’t have one of my own.

  564. My 5 year old daughter ate a Pop Tart and Sun Chips for dinner last night. I think that qualifies me for an award of some type.

  566. I would love to see if a quarter would bounce of Nathan Fillion’s butt. (you said we could comment anything!)

  568. Last night I may or may not have wondered how many monkey cages I could fit in my backyard…because I want to be like Beiber.

  569. No people fit under my bed. That’s because dust bunnies live there. In the hundreds…

  570. My least favorite toes are my pinky toes. They curl under and hide beneath the rest of my toes.

  571. I had to disect a goat eyeball for A&P class and it was awesome. Learned animals have this silver looking coating in the back of their eyeball (I should know what it was called but I don’t remember) that helps reflect the smallest amounts of light at night so they can see better. So even when its dark your cats can still see you. Good to know, yea?

  572. While the UK cover is nice with the picture of curler-ed you and all, what’s with the wispy serifs? Is that like locks of hair or something? Honestly I miss Hamlet von Schnitzel. Is he on the title page? Honestly, I am a complete Anglophile and would be honored to have a copy of the UK paperback!

  573. I would use the whole box of cow glass eyeballs. I would be gluing them to EVERYTHING! I would see a stop sign and say “You know what that stop sign needs? Eye balls. And look, I have some right here!” and then I would glue them on and laugh and laugh.

    Later, at my child’s baseball game, someone would be all “Did you see some hoodlums glued eyeballs to the stop sign on the corner?” and I would be all “OMG! That’s awesome.” (Cause I would forget I did it) and then they would be all “No, it’s wrong! Who does that? Who glues eye balls to a stop sign?” and then I would remember. And laugh again.

    Also, I think random cereal boxes at the grocery store need glass eye balls. it occurs to me I probably should not have a box of glass eyeballs. Just saying.

  575. It’s snowing today. Seriously, it’s May first and it’s snowing. What happened to Spring??

  576. Several years ago, before the No Call List, I stumbled onto the best way to get rid of a persistent telemarketer – and to prevent any more calls: Just say you’d love to talk but you left your mother tied up in the bathtub and you need to get back to her (no idea where that came from). Presto! No more calls from that company. And he must have spread the word in the Telemarketer Tavern, because the calls from *all* telemarketers dropped dramatically. Police presence on my street increased, however.

  577. I had no idea there was even such a thing as glass cow eyeballs let alone vintage ones. I know about your book though and I would really love a copy!!

  578. One of my cat’s stepped in my hair dye last night and left cat prints all over my house. Yep, that’s my life.

  580. I recently moved and thought “Damn we have a lot of weird knicknacks” then I realized, we don’t.

    You win.

  581. My favorite toe is my raptor toe, it’s the one next to the pinky toe, it curls up like a raptor on both of my feet so whenever my toenails get long I pretend to scratch my boyfriend like a raptor while screeching

  582. I can always use more glass eyeballs. I prefer bourbon/rocks in mine, but sometimes we might ‘ave a party, so then we’d need more for our friends. I bought some of those cool glasses with state maps on them, so I can use those for eyeballs if I don’t win. I’m sorry there wasn’t a Texas one at the garage sale where I got them, but Wolverenes (sic) was spelled wrong on the Michigan one, so there’s that.

  583. If this was a paper drawing I would make an origami squirrel and you would be all ‘look at that squirrel. I must have a closer look’ and my names drawn.

  584. I pre-ordered my kindle copy long ago and even stuck the autographed nameplate in the inside of my kindle cover. An autographed copy of the real life book would quite possibly make me swoon.

  585. I have a single dark hair near my bellybutton, and his name is George. He was once plucked and killed at a party for the sake of body shots, but he always grows back, so he is my favorite. 😉

  586. Pick me again because I said my daughter is eight when she’s really nine. What kind of mother am I? The kind whose daughter needs your book.

  587. I could probably fit 4, depending on the shape and size. (Four what? Fit where? Wouldn’t you like to know?)

  588. I turned my air conditioner on a couple of hours ago – because my house (in theory) subtly, and in an unnoticeable way to the naked eye, rotates so that every room gets a solid blast of morning sun – and two of my cats had this really epic growling match over the rights to the kitchen floor vent; and then my third cat came in and growled at the other two and won the right to that particular vent because she never growls so everyone, myself included, was impressed.

  591. I can fit more dead bodies in my SUV than under my bed. I like my “pinkie” toe, because it’s the underdog piglet.

  592. Statues with death masks are more popular than glass eyeballs here. I sort of want glass eyeballs now

  593. Have the Kindle version, but on my cell phone, and it hurts my eyes to read it. I love the feel of actual books, and a copy of this would just feel so right… 🙂

  594. Yea! I bought your book in the USA when it first came out. Now I live in Scotland. I will have to check the bookstores here and let you know.

  595. I need a haircut. And pedicure. And manicure. And a new book to read while doing all of the above.

  596. I am currently obsessed with my Nespresso U that I just received, so if I win a copy of your book you can know that I will sit on my couch with espresso and your book. Which means I will finish it in half the time because I won’t be able to stop drinking the espresso until I am done

  597. I could probably fit at least 3 bodies in the trunk of my full sized, hand me down sedan…four if one of them is on the smallish side.

  598. When I think of glass eyeballs I think of G’kar on Babylon 5 putting HIS glass eyeball in the bedroom of Sheridan and D’lenn so he could watch them having sex. The eyeball sent images to his brain, it wasn’t just for looks y’know.

  599. i need to win 1 of these books because
    #1. Im a dispatcher for our local police department….i work 5:30 P.M. to 5:30 A.M…..theres nothing on tv to watch, and i would rather read a good book.

    #2 I am an awesome neighbor. I gave my neighbor down the street a minature Beyonce for Christmas this past year as a thank you for introducing me to you. But because she has a 11 year old son, i didnt leave a note that said Knock Knock Motherfucker. I just. COULDNT

  600. I once had a fatty lipoma (think giant cyst) removed from my thigh that was nearly 6 inches across and close to 2 inches deep. Could have been in future medical journals if the surgeon had remembered to take a picture before it was dissected. Oh, well.

  602. Since you mentioned favorite toe, I have two toes shaped like ET’s head. One on each foot. Thankfully this is a symmetrical thing with my feet.

    That’s all.

  603. My mom, and one friend of mine (OK, actually my wife’s friend, but only because I’m not calling her my wife’s puppy that follows her everywhere) both struggle mightily with the kinds of mental illness you talk about so well in your book. Sometimes it mortifies them in ways that can only be stayed by the kind of humor about ones self you wield so well. I think maybe reading your book could help them do this themselves, or maybe just get them to see that they don’t have to beat themselves up trying to be “normal”. Maybe I’m crazy, but then I’VE already read it. See how it works?

  604. I promise a picture of a ghost holding twine if I win a copy of the paperback!

  605. I used to be able to touch my tongue to my nose. I’ve recently discovered that I can’t anymore and I’m concerned this means I have tongue arthritis. I’m not letting myself google tongue arthritis. Yet.

  607. Oh, Jenny. On my recent trip to the Mainland, I had to resist taking pictures of giant metal chickens about 80 brazillion times. ALL DOWN TO YOU, DEAR. Thanks for so, so much funny, every day. xoxo and aloha from Caroline on O‘ahu!

  608. Have been reading your blog for a while now, and absolutely love it! Thank you for the laughs.

  609. I had a janitor at my high school who had a class eye. It kind of would wander too, so that he would have his real eye looking straight at you, but his glass eye would be looking off to the side. And if someone mentioned that his eye had gone wonky, he would just grab it and move it right in front of you. It was pretty disconcerting. Also, Ray Bradbury mentioned a character in his book that had dozens of glass eyes in their windowsill that would just be looking out at whoever passed by. Creepy as hell, man.

    Glass eye stories, apparently I haz some.

  611. jenny,jenny,jenny!!! Loved your audiobook and would love a copy of the paperback!

    Can probably fit 5 bodies under the bed, BUT, would not happen! Too dangerous in the zombie apocalypse. Unless I can use them as protection like in the Walking Dead, but I would have to do some grisly stuff to make that happen, and I don’t think I could. But then again, in the zombie apocalypse I think I could be a real bad ass so maybe it would all work out. hmmm….

  612. I am sure that one could use as many glass eyes as they could get their hands on… Anyway, I would love a copy of the book and a glass eye – how cool would that be?? Look what came in the mail today!! A glass cow eye!!

  613. I’m thinking there aren’t enough glass eyeballs in use today. I feel giddy at the thought of a game of marbles with glass eyeballs for bovine creatures.

  614. Today after work I get to pick up my new kitten. We are naming her HB. Why? Cause cats are the honey badgers of the domesticated pet world. They just don’t give a shit.

  615. Two blogs make my day every time I read them: The Bloggess and 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility – while they are seemingly unrelated, in my world, they are necessary for sanity. And yes, sanity is a relative term.

  616. Arizona legislators once hired a prostitute to swallow a glass eye in order to pass a bill… i bet that was one of the tamest things a prostitute has had to swallow.

  617. I can say the Big Mac ingredients backwards!!! and I’d love to read your book;)

  618. I NEED this book. Here is why. I bought your hardback version based on my cousin saying “THIS is our life”. Then I bought copies for my two daughters as they were also raised like you were. Then I bought the Kindle version after my husband got me a Kindle for Christmas. Then I had to buy ANOTHER copy of the hardback version for myself as I lent mine out and it never came back (as is foretold for all good books). And Monday was my birthday. And Tuesday I was accused of a crime I didn’t commit (true story). So I turned 45 and may go to jail all in the same week and I probably won’t get to take my Kindle. And I also have been in love with Eric Idle from Monty Python since I was about 10…..so the anglophile thing is there, also. The end.

  620. Your posts always make me smile or laugh. But I have to say, your loquacious followers are a real hoot. I wish I didn’t have a separate life to live because I never have the time to read all the comments. Maybe you’ll have to write volume two made up of the best comments!

  621. After my experience today, I’ve decided that drive-thru cashiers should be allowed to cane patrons who request special orders. Also, every person in line behind them *raises hand* should be allowed to get in a lick. Yup. That sounds about right.

  622. IDK how many bodies could fit under our bed (not many I would guess), but I think how many would fit in a deep freeze would be the better question. I vividly remember when an 8-year-old me opened one of those giant deep freeze freezers at the appliance store and declared, “Woah! You could fit a ton of bodies in here.” There was an elderly couple near me. They were not amused.

  626. Hundreds of comments later, all I can say is that I am super bummed because I lent out my hardcover US copy of the book to a friend before I finished reading it because I was super-busy at work and with my toddler at the time and figured I could read it better myself a month or two later when things calmed down. Also, the friend needed a good laugh and I knew it would be great for that. Alas, the book never came back & my friend left the state.

    I’M GOING CRAZY WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. And therefore I soooooo want to win a copy!

    Oh, and my favorite finger when I was a child was my right ring finger. I used to magically contort it backwards so I could suck on it. I was never a huge fan of toes, so I think that finger has to be my pick if we are talking about awesome extremities…

  627. I have 2 glass leopard eyeballs. And currently 3 bodies under the bed, though could argue there’s room for more.

  628. Yesterday at the store, one of my 3yo twins would only answer to “Buzz Lightyear to the Rescue!” So if I wanted to talk to him I had to say “Hey, Buzz Lightyear to the Rescue…” And this is why being a parent is hilarious 😀 Today? He’s batman.

  629. Fish sticks and custard. You did say anything. So I’ll swear on something important that I really want to win an autographed book. Also a signing at BookPeople would be awesome in case I don’t win. Unless of course I somehow missed a BookPeople already despite reading their emails religiously so I don’t miss my favorite authors. I’ll shut up now.

  630. I’m not British nor do I have British ancestry but I love to write using British spelling. My favorite word is behaviour.

  632. I just joined the board of directors in my owners association. They’re all bonkers and old and I’m really regretting my moment of weakness!

    Also you’re awesome and I haven’t yet to read the extra chapter in yor book!

  633. This one time when my son was 4 he came home with a purple inflatable alien. It was probably around three feet tall and he was obsessed with the thing. One evening I was sitting at the table eating dinner and he had already finished and gotten down. All of the sudden I felt something touching my arm. It was the alien’s hand. And in a really creepy voice I heard, “I want your skin.”
    Fortunately, I lived to tell the tale and it was really just my extremely creepy child doing this and the giant inflatable alien hadn’t come to life with an insatiable desire for human flesh.

  634. Have you ever watched the show “Oddities?” When in New York for spring break their store, Obscura Antiques, was a must see for my son. You would like their store and their stuff.

  636. My husband, our 2 year old son and I are moving from Chicago to NY later this month and I’ve packed all of the books so I could use one to read that I don’t have to undo prodigious amounts of packing tape to get at. Also you seem really quite fun and funny, I would like to read your book but am on financial lock down until after the move so a free copy would be keen!

  637. This would go nicely in my collection of autographed Jenny Lawson books. I really like the creepy font for the title… very appropriate.

  638. Story of a nursing student
    I woke up one morning walked into the hospital changed back into pajamas ( oh yeah they were scrubs) but as comfy as pajamas , covered my shoes with very strange booties and put a shower cap on and a mask across m face I was ready for surgery 🙂 Spent the day observing many various surgeries but the highlight of my day was when the surgeon placed a gall bladder in my hand then popped the galls stones out and placed them in my other. The highlight of my year holding someone’s beat up old gall bladder full of stones there I was standing there in awww you would’ve thought I won the lottery.

  639. I’m stuck at home with three kids due to a snow day in Colorado… on May frickin’ 1st! I could really use a pick me up. 😉

  640. Is it wrong that I taught my miniature Dachshund to attack when I say POLAND !!??
    Also, I dropped the Hamster, sorry ..

  641. I bet I could go through 1000 cow eyeballs. The way my cats play with things ( and subsequently lose said things) I would need to keep replacing that shit. They are only a year old, so I should have another 14 years with each. Maybe an eyeball a week, per cat, for the rest of their lives… That’s 52 times 2 times 14… Oops that makes 1456. I change my answer to 1456.

  643. Your humor buoys my days. I would love a copy so much!

  644. I want a (hopefully entirely illegible or it’s not a proper signature) signed copy of this ridiculous book which I love so very very much 😀

  646. Dunno about dead bodies, but we can fit a total of one goat skulls under our bed. It’s SUPPOSED to be a back yard decoration, but one of our dogs INSISTS it really belongs under our bed. We put it back outside, he drags it back in and hides it under the bed. It was disconcerting the first few times I lifted the bedskirt, cleaning or looking for something else, and discovered something LOOKING BACK AT ME. But, I’m used to it now. Plus, I don’t clean under the bed much anyway.

    I would LOVE a signed copy of your book. I promise not to give it to the goat skull.

  647. I bought tickets to the live broadcast of NPR’s “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” for tomorrow night. Usually going to the movie theatre results in a panic attack and sometimes i buy tickets and then never actually get myself to the theatre. I’m hoping i make it there tomorrow night. You said we could comment about anything so i went with this.

    Also I call vaginas “skin pockets”. That’s weird but you mentioned body part names. There you go.

  648. If the second toe being longer than the first (big) toe means that one is the ruler of the house, what does it mean when both people in the house have longer second toes? That said – does anyone *not* have a longer second toe? Or do I just know a bunch of type-A people?

    (p.s. great giveaway!)

  649. Holy snapping arse holes Hannah! Is it just me or are there a bazillion people vying for a free book? I was going to leave a note on the off chance that I’d get one but there are probably at least seven more deserving people on this thread, three of which probably have more hair on their chins then me but I’m not judging anyone.

    So I will just go and buy myself a copy that way those unfortunates with a chinny, chin, chin or hairy, hair, hair can get a book. In the meantime I’m just going to enjoy this amazing day by taking a deep breath and living in the now.

    Woohoo…fuck that was great!

  650. I got asked, “Ma’am, are you okay?” by a very elderly gentlemen at a Taco Cabana because I choked on my flauta reading my copy of your book on my Kindle. It was the chapter on cow insemination.

  651. I am one of your new followers, thanks to Jen Lancaster’s reading list, I am finally getting a chance to read your book. Thank you for being you!!! Makes me feel less alone with my craziness and strange disorders. 🙂
    I am from a small Texas town and have family in the hill country. So i totally relate

  652. Seven and a half. That’s how many bodies fit under the bed. But you already knew that…

    I can’t wait to see the UK edition!

  654. When I hear that Macklemore and Ryan Lewis song and it says “Nah, walk up to the club like, ‘What up. I got a big cock!’, all I can think of is walking up to a club with Beyonce on a leash. So, yeah.

  655. See, I find the UK font a little unsettling and confusing. Do the letters have tendrils? Are those dendrites? Are the letters tripping? And I find myself tipping my little head to the side while looking at the screen, all perplexed eyes and bemused smile, and then I realized that’s how I frequently look while reading your blog, and even though it’s no adorable taxidermied mouse on the cover of your fabulous memoir, it works.

  656. Oooh yes!! Me please!!! I have a copy of the book on my kindle but an autographed hard copy would be FABULOUS. 🙂 Crossing my fingers and eyeballs…

  657. It is so difficult to get English books here in Switzerland. If and when I find it, I promise I will buy it. For now, I will just keep following you here and on twitter. Thanks for all the fish.

  658. Anything? Okay, here goes:

    When I was six it was very important to me to have a pet, so I told everyone that I had a box of baby chicks under my bed. I was totally outed by my best friend, though, because even at six she was smart enough to know that you can’t really raise baby chicks under your bed.

    (Incidentally, all novelty yard chickens now bear the name of Beyonce, no matter who it is who owns them or who among my friends is talking about them. That’s power, there.)

  659. It is so difficult to get English books here in Switzerland. If and when I find it, I promise I will buy it. For now, I will just keep following you here and on twitter. Thanks for all the fish.

  662. I have been reading your blog for years now and would love to read your book. Please pick me 🙂

  665. If you send me an autographed copy, I promise that my inner monologue will only read it in Alan Rickman’s voice. Also, the other day I finally provoked my husband into exclaiming, “I don’t even feel safe in my own house!” Tell Victor he doesn’t have to feel alone.

  666. Since one of my good friends has absconded with my copy of your book, I’d love to win a new one! Plus it’s killing me that there’s a new chapter that I haven’t read! 🙂

  667. Now why would I hide bodies under the bed? We all know that is one of the first placed checked.

  668. I’d love a copy of your UK book AND I know someone with a glass eye. Just sayin’.

  669. Jenny, thank you for giving this insane tribe a voice! Also- this bears no direct relation to this post at all (Except to maybe assert that I am indeed part of your crazy group of fans), but I read the blog a ton and I too have cats. They are named River Song and Stormagedon Dark Lord of All (she’s a kitten so we call her Stormie)…because Doctor Who is the best thing ever. So thank you for being awesome. I quote you way too much to people with no context, and it never fails to be funny.

  670. One of my co-workers was complaining that her coffee creamer was being stolen from the fridge. I told her to put it into a different container and label it “breast milk”. She told me I was sick and wrong, but did it anyway. She now has creamer for her coffee every day. Problem solved. And to the rest of you who are going to use this bit of friendly advice, you’re welcome.

  671. My son was killed 5 1/2 months ago. I’ve slipped into insanity, struggling with huge amounts of anxiety and PTSD. He was run over by a distracted driver on the way to family pictures. Im empty, but you Jenny bring me pieces of laughter.

  672. I’d love to win a copy, but I do miss Hamlet von Schnitzel on the cover.

  673. ummm…ummm…Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants. No, wait, I stole that from Lorelai Gilmore.

    Before I started reading your blog, the word “douche-____” wasn’t in my vocabulary. Now I regularly refer to people on TV and who get in my way driving/walking as douche-canoes or douche-nozzles. I know, I know. I’m welcome 🙂 Latest culprit, the bad guy on last week’s Elementary.

    Um…I should be reading a student paper or something right now.

  674. Hey Jenny!
    First off, congrats on the book being such a raging success! I don’t know if you remember me, but we met at your book signing in NYC. I was the one developing the webseries (how many elementary kids would it take to fight a raptor?). Happy to say the series is premiering this next wednesday, may 8th! You were a huge influence in the writing and you liking the idea helped encourage us to make the series a reality. We included you in the special thanks of our credits. We would be honored if you’d check it our when it airs. Thanks again for everything!
    All the best,
    John Detty

  675. Being part of the tribe is fun. I’m working on the ceremonial dance. There’s a headdress.

  676. I’d post the number of bodies that fit under my bed, but I’m pretending that didn’t happen.

  678. Best book I’ve read this year. Ok, it’s the only book I’ve read this year. Wait…

    Yours is the only book I’ve bothered to read this year. This is the tribe I want to be in.

  679. My least favourite toe is the one with the blackened nail, from when I dropped a Batman electric toothbrush on it 6 months ago. I want to wear sandals without my gnarly toe frightening small children. The only known cure is your book (with a new chapter!)

  680. Cheerio and all that, just realized I don’t read with a British accent often enough.

  681. I would know what to do with the book… the glass eyeballs not so much.

  682. My son’s “girlfriend” moved away last week and I asked how he was doing(they have been dating since last January), his response two days ago was “it’s okay Momma Kayla told me she would be my new GF and Mia told me if Kayla didn’t want to be my GF she would” Please keep in mind my son is ONLY 6. lol

  683. My relationship with my boyfriend happened so fast that one of my best friends worried that he was an ax-murderer and was wooing me so that he could chop me up into little pieces (we also decided this would be done with a woodchipper). It was decided, between the three of us, that if/when he ever does he’ll mail my friend one of my toes so that she can wear it on a necklace. I’d never thought about having a “favorite” toe before, but now I’m thinking I’d better specify *which* toe I want him to send her.

  684. My favorite toe is the one with a jacked up toenail. I like to mess people and make up stories about how it got that way. ‘meat grinder accident’ , ‘rabid dog bite’, ‘Ostrich stepped on it’ …

  685. Can’t resist trying. Besides, I’ve been meaning to ask, have you ever by chance noticed the Target house brand of Tampons’ packaging? Its a must see, sadly I have pointed it out to family members who just look at me like I am weird. Which is exactly why I think you will see the humor.

  686. No bodies fit under my bed, since it’s a mattress on the floor–but technically you could fit INFINITY under it if you picked it up and put it on top of them.

  687. I let my sister borrow my copy she then Lent it to her friends I need another copy to loan to my bias and hope I get it back this time

  689. I so want this autographed copy! Don’t ask why, I just do!

  690. I have no bodies under beds, that I know of, but I did drunkly buy a bookcase last night at Target so a new book to put on a shelf would be tits. Or a jar of eyeballs. Those would look pretty snazzy sitting next to my kid’s Chicka Chicka Boom Boom.

  691. This is legit my all time favorite book. You’ve made me laugh, cry, and feel sane. I’d love such a unique copy and I’d love to finally read the bonus chapter!

  692. Just read your book and LOVED it!! I’ve never followed blogs before but yours is now on my favorites website list!! I can’t get enough of your writing! Thanks for the constant entertainment and insight into your world 🙂

  693. I enjoy being part of a tribe. I’m working on the ceremonial dance. There’s a headdress.

  694. My least favorite toe is my pinky toe. Completely useless. I also have 11 cats, which does make me a crazy cat lady. Sadly, they are more house trained and well-behaved than my ex-husband.

  695. I really think you should send me a copy of this book so I can be show up my roommate who only has the American version of this book. I would read it while wearing a monacle and talking in a(n awful version of a) British accent. 🙂

  696. I don’t want to tell you how many glass eyeballs a “normal” person uses…I’d rather you be encouraged to post YOUR full list.

  697. Honestly, I think I could go through a dozen glass eyeballs in a year but that’s what happens when you’re an artist.

  698. The fact that I actually have a glass eyeball story to contribute is in itself disturbing.
    And you will so help me avoid that whole PayPal, amazon, where do I actually ‘live’ malarky if’n ya care to toss one my way.

  700. I would do inappropriate things for an Italian hoagie right now.

  702. Love reading your posts…they make me giggle, even when I don’t want to. Thanks for the years of laughs and virtual support. And for all you do — it means so much to see how much you care about everyone else. Even with your own struggles.

  704. I could fit three regular size bodies under my bed. If they were properly diced, I could probably do about five. Unless you define people as dolls. If dolls count, I could go about fifty, as long as damage didn’t take away points.

  705. I’ve always wondered why abbreviation is such a long word. Now I shall wonder if I’ll get an autographed copy of your book. That would be very pleasant indeed!

  706. I bought my copy on iTunes. I’d much rather have a copy to hold in my hands. I could use it as a self defense weapon when I’m roaming the city streets!

  707. I once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Except replace “shot” with “told a story to,” and replace “die” with, um, I dunno, “feign interest.” Also, I’ve never been to Reno. Wow, this is a lot harder than it looks.

  711. Would love to win a copy, mostly so I can just give the original hardback flag marked copy to my friend instead of assuming it’s permanently borrowed. (Flags mark the relevant parts.)

    My favourite toe actually has a name. It is Paul. My left big toe. My friend named it. Because I have a small bunion. (Thanks ballet!) So my toe’s name is Paul (with a) Bunion.

    You DID ask.

  712. I have the North American version of your book but a British version would be so much better so I can read it again except this time with a Britsh accent. A British accent makes everything just a little bit better. So does an extra chapter. So does your signature. It you want to throw in a couple of glass cow eyeballs too, I wouldn’t mind 😉

  713. if i had two vintage glass cow eyes, i’d stick them in my crocidile skull. then Niles would be able to look out the window and creep out the postman.
    if i had a copy of your book, i’d be ecstatic. even though i wouldn’t get to bother the postman.

  716. Let’s see I’m in the process of moving back to my parents house after living on my own in an apartment for the past 7 years. Trying to get 7 years of stuff from an apartment back down into a couple rooms has been quite the challenge.

    Especially with my love of books. Most of my boxes were filled with books. And I have notebooks upon notebooks of writings. I either need to type them up or scan them in. I haven’t decided yet.

    Strangely, I haven’t tried to fit anything unique underneath my bed yet. My room is still being organized. But possibly after some time, the dust bunnies, will have a good home under my bed 😀

  717. I have three rescue cats. One was living with a foster family in Princeton, NJ when I adopted him and the little girl in the house had named him Jeff. I could not change his name, as he totally looks like a Jeff. It was not until I took him to the vet that I realized his name is Jeff Davis (as that it my last name). I have since moved to Alabama. So every time I take him to the vet, when they call him back “JEFF DAVIS” I feel like every person in the waiting room is thinking I am a redneck racist.

  718. My favorite toe is a tie between both of my big toes.

    I think the median number of glass eyeballs that a person uses in a lifetime is zero. The mean number of glass eyes that a person uses in a lifetime is probably between 0.000001 and 0.02. The lower estimates assume that 1 in million people use 1 glass eyeballs in their life and the upper estimate assumes that 1 in 10,000 people use 20 glass eyeballs in their life.

    I can probably fit 2-4 intact average adult human bodies under my bed.

  719. Bloggess, what is the scale of your Haunted Dollhouse again? We spend the whole summer building a huge Halloween Display (www.davisgraveyard.com) and we would to make you some sized down pieces for your Dollhouse!

    (1:12. Thanks! ~ Jenny)

  720. I’m fairly certain I could a use for vintage glass eyeballs. I’d put them in drawers and randomly on shelves at work so wary unsuspecting people would immediately think that the aliens (or government) are watching them. Come to think, those would work infinitely better than the vintage REAL eyeballs I’ve been using, I swear I won them at a charity auction…. Oh and I’d also cherish an autographed copy of your book- but that just goes without saying…

  721. So I have to tell you a little story. I have five sisters and one brother. Last fall one of my sisters found your book, and she decided to start a little project with it. She bought a bunch of different colored Sharpies and started writing in it, underlining areas that made her think of one of us, as in “This is totally something DJ would say.” She gave it to me next, and I’ve passed it on. We each use our own color of Sharpie so we can tell them apart, since all our handwriting looks the same. When we are all done we will get to see what the finished result is.

    So I need my own copy now because it’s by far the funniest book ever and part of why I decided to start dealing with my own anxiety issues. So much better now, thank you for inspiring me.

  722. Fun cover!! Love reading your blog, I am sure the book is just as great. 🙂

  723. The British Cover looks like something from Monty Python, like Terry Gilliam had something to do with the design! Congrats on your box of books. Be well and rock on.

  724. I loaned out my copy of your book and never got it back so I need a new copy 🙁 Also I have been trying to make you a custom soap but am having trouble coming up with a color scheme. I assume pink?

  725. So, my pug lost his eye last month. My best friend was the one that removed it–she is a vet, she didn’t just whip out a pocket knife and start carving. She also put in a neuticle, okay, not a neuticle, but an eyeball prosthetic before sewing it closed. She lamented that it was a little smaller than what he really needed, but it was a Saturday emergency surgery and the eyeball prosthetic/neuticle store was already closed. My Grandmother wanted him to get a glass eye. I’m thinking if a glass cow eyeball would have fit and happened to arrive that day, it would have been the coolest of all. Alas, the box obviously got diverted in the mail to you. So, can I have a book instead?

    Also the pug, once released from his cone of shame, has no inhibitions once again about running through the house and leaping across furniture, lack of depth perception be damned. Plus, he’s totally working the “I’m too sexy for my eye” angle with the ladies.

  726. Your favorite toe.
    The second-from-the-left on my right foot. It is the only one that isn’t weird-shaped. I got my dad’s toes, which has made life difficult for him, particularly the walking bits.

    The pet names of your body parts.
    I call my heels Achilles because I am not very creative.

    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime.
    This depends on whether normal people use glass eyeballs as eclectic marbles. And on whether normal people play marbles. More data required.

    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.
    It depends on whether the bodies can be disassembled. Probably two, I think, unless they are very small people or children, in which case I could probably fit four or so.

    It’s totally up to you.
    FREE BONUS: I gave my fiance a snowcone machine for his birthday because I kept thinking about your story about snow cones. But he hasn’t read your book yet, so he was pretty baffled by my suggestion he put pickle juice in a snow cone. He does, however, read your blog, and we both agree that in our relationship he is you. This conversation came up one time, talkin’ ’bout how reading your blog makes us think of our relationship, and he said “You’re Victor” at the EXACT SAME TIME that I said “I’m Victor.” Then we laughed. Then I sighed and said “Poor Victor.”

  727. Is there any chance of getting a book and a glass eyeball? I don’t need a pair mind… one will do… I think my 7 yr old daughter would find it creepily fascinating 😀 LOL

    Love you!

  729. I am not worthy, of either the eyeballs or the British version of your book. But I would love to have either one. And I’m thinking quite a few dead bodies would fit actually…until they started reanimating in to zombies.

  730. love your book!
    for the vintage eye balls definitely surround a peep hole with them! here is looking at you!

  731. Sign me up for some glass cow eyeballs! Oh, wait. This isn’t for glass eyeballs. Oh, well, I guess a book would be the next best thing. I’ve read it on Kindle, but I could use a version where they spell “color” as “colour” and mispronounce “aluminum” (at least the silly English accident in my head would do that as I read it, if the word “aluminum” appears in the book – I don’t recall if it does so I suppose I’ll have to re-read it to find out, in which case a new volume would come in handy to make it seem like a new book I’m reading). Not to mention my hubby would be totally psyched about an autographed copy because he LOVED the book even more than I did. In any case, I’ve now commented and I’ll remain hopeful that I win! Thanks!

  732. I have nothing witty to say. Just, I’d love an autographed copy. Thanks.

  733. I want a book AND I’m going to look on the Google and see if I can find vintage glass cow eyeballs. We can trade. 😉

  734. Bodies that would fit under the bed = 0. Bodies that would fit in the freezer = 2 to 3, depending . . .

  735. I’d like that one, so I could read something interesting again!

  736. GEEEEEAZUS it took me forever to scroll past all the non-winners just to leave my comment.

  737. I think I read about half of this book outloud to my fiance. He should thank me.

  738. I don’t have a favorite toe, but I have this weird ability to pinch people REALLY hard with my toes. Harder than I could with my fingers. It is my superpower.

    I have a hard cover copy of your book, but would love another to lend/give to someone.

    I absolutely adore your blog and your writing. You have the dubious distinction of making me spit more liquids through laughter than any other person. Especially one I’ve never met. Thanks for that:-)

  739. OOH! OOH OOH!!!! PICK ME! PICK ME! PLEASE!!!!!! PICK!!!!! ME!!!!!!

    I’m a huge fan and I haven’t had a chance to buy the book yet! (I REALLY want to! I just haven’t been able to afford it yet!)

    I love you so much and I love your blog and if I met you in real life, I would probably slobber all over myself with joy and ecstasy. Not on you, of course, you’re too classy to be slobbered on.

  740. My daughter’s newest imaginary creation is Bob the Unicorn. He lives in a trash can and poops rainbow-colored butterflies. Wonder if any of your artists caught Bob in the act of snogging. Wonder if Bob snogs. Wonder where all those butterflies go…

  741. Your favorite toe – easy, the big one, easiest to paint with nail polish without painting half my toe in the process. The pet names of your body parts – wishing that I was a guy so that I could say “the big one” again LOL, but nothing more interesting than “the twins/girls”.
    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime – normal? I’ve never heard of this “normal” you speak of, so I’m going to have to guess somewhere around 3. As for non-glass eyeballs, well, let’s just say 20 or more at the bare minimum.
    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed – easy, somewhere around 3.

  742. I have a cow eyeball story! While dissecting one in college and too cheap to buy my own dissection kit, I began to saw away at the eyeball when it exploded all over my face. So lesson here: spring for the new scalpel.

  743. Enter me in the cow glass eyeball drawing please. You never know when you will need one! And thanks for all the chuckles along the way.

  744. I bought the e-reader version for my Kindle, made it 3/4 of the way through (I have a newborn who dislikes being jostled awake from my muffled hysterical laughter…), then my kindle kicked it and I haven’t been able to finish it! How does it end! I will never know! So a real live book version would be wonderful.

  745. I have 2 cats, their names are Took (pronounced Tooook), and Sapphira.
    Took is named after the hobbit Peregrin (Pippin) Took. He was quite mischievous when we first brought him home, so the name fits quite well. Sapphira has bright blue eyes and is named after the dragon in Eregon.

    They would both like you to say “MEOW” to your kitties for them.

  746. Well my favorite toe is actually my middle toe. Due to some weird mishap of genetics not only am I one of those people whose second toe is longer than my big toe, but my middle toe is longer too. Thanks Mom and Dad.

  748. I would have attempted something witty here in the hopes that it would compel you to send me one of your fabulous UK versions… but after reading all these hilariously awesome comments (as usual) I feel a whole lot less witty than when I started! [but, as usual, I got so many EXTRA laughs out of your blog from your wonderful readers!!!!]

  750. My first edition Nook (Yes. That’s what they call it. “First Edition.” Like it’s vintage or has a heavenly old book smell or something.) ANYWAY, my Nook doesn’t have color. In fact, it has little tiny photos that I can’t enlarge. I want a real copy of your book that has a signature and will develop an old book smell over time.

    Thanks, Jenny. I love you so hard, I’m chafed.

    PS. My favorite toe is the squiffy one that I smashed in a car door when I was nine and my breasts are named Myrtle and Brenda.

  751. I have this condition, I guess it’s technically a virus. It’s temporary, thank God, but it takes months to cure. It’s kind of like having worms (or so I hear), what with the ravenous hunger, problems with bladder control, sporadic abdominal pain, nausea, fatigue, etc. Better still, all of these changes in my body are making me super irritable and the stress is throwing off my hormones. I’ve gained weight and I’m retaining water. Uhg, my calves and feet have never been this swollen. I can’t sleep. My immune system is shot which means I’m suffering allergies like a snot beast from hell. The doctor has me on some supplements but I don’t know if they’re doing anything. I just don’t feel like I can handle anything more than watching reruns of M*A*S*H* and eating tubes of cookie dough. Everyone tells me to take it easy and everyone is being super nice about it but I KNOW I’m not really sick and it’s just NOT feasible for me to not work. So, here I sit at my desk, dripping snot, half asleep, with a temper shorter than an inch worm. But the baby’s due in July, so I only have a few months left I guess.

  753. People don’t understand my obsession with ants. If anyone can understand my obsession I think it’s you. So, do you? Also, I realized I am OCD when I panicked after sending out a text ending in XOXOXO except I’d ended it in an X instead!

  754. Count me in! I could use glass cow eyeballs as much as the next guy.

  755. I picked up the US paperback version at an airport on my way home, flying through DFW. Started reading on the plane since those FAA bastards still say my Kindle can interfere with electronics, while my neighbor blatantly plays on their iphone and does NOT turn it off even AFTER the doors are closed. The nerve…
    SO… reading your “bewildering memoir” on a full plane is NOT a good idea, if you value your dignity and your clean undies. I was trying to hold in my laughter, which became unbearable, to the point all of my orifices abandoned control.
    There were tears, projectile snot bubbles and a little bit of pee… all at once. Which only made me cry-laugh harder. Throw in a loud snort and sobs and you have an idea of the horrors you made me inflict upon this plane full of people.
    The poor woman next to me (not the phone offender) couldn’t decide her reaction, and almost called over a flight attendant because surely this passenger was having a seisure and losing bodily control.
    I think I deserve an autographed UK version, so i can give my fluid-soaked version to an unsuspecting friend about to go on a long trip.

  756. My cat wishes that he were one tenth as bad ass as Ferris Mewler. So do I.

  757. I don’t have a favorite toe – In fact, I think toes are gross. If I didn’t need mine for balance (and to occasionally pick something up off the floor when I don’t feel like bending down), I might consider lopping them off. Also, whenever my husband passes by and my feet are accessible, he tries to crack my big toe and that really hurts.

    I saw a giant metal chicken out on the street on village garage sale day last Saturday, and I considered bringing it home for my husband as revenge for the toe thing, but it was missing a leg and I don’t think it would have fit in my car.

  758. I’d love to win your book.

    Is it weird that some days I love my dog more than my husband? But most days the husband wins 🙂

  760. I’d love to read this one too. Cute new cover!
    It’s so hard to concentrate when it’s nice and sunny outside. Such a long day!

  761. I love your book and blog. I had to borrow the book from a friend cause I could not afford to buy it and Iwould love to have a copy so I can read it again and again!

  762. I think 3 Wil Wheatons would fit under my bed. The best part is that he is the fun sort of fellow who would go see if he fit under a bed. Unlike Nathan Fillion. Zero Nathan Fillions would fit because he would not be invited.

  764. I never win anything, but that’s ok, because I have video of my five year old daughter singing about Daleks. Ok, so her song only has one lyric (“Exterminate”), but its cute because she’s also trying to play the piano. And she’s possibly trying to channel Bill Murray’s lounge lizard. If I knew how to send it to you I would, because there just aren’t enough people in my life who appreciate songs about Daleks.

  765. Thanks again, Jenny, for being the awesome person you are. It honestly makes my day when I come to your blog and see something new. (Although I usually have to pause midway through so my co-workers don’t hear my laughing too hard!)

  766. I would love to read the new chapter! I wasn’t able to come and see you in St. Louis (and pick up the new paperback) because my grandfather took ill and was in the hospital, so I’m happy to hear there may be another chance for me to grab it!

  767. I’m exhausted because my oldest daughter (I have 4 and that is astonishing enough) ended up with a piece of pink glitter in her eye last night about 10pm. We were in the emergency room until 2 am. Glitter. Stuck.to her Cornea. And she is goth, it was a great tragedy.

  768. God I love your book! I couldn’t stop laughing! I really hope that one day you’ll come to Florida

  769. I could totally use the eyeballs, but the book would be cool too…

  770. Sometime’s I like to place a glass eyeball between my toes and pretend I am having a conversation with a cyclops. But that’s only like twice a year.

  771. Love love love your book! I have the audiobook, but I would love a hardcopy.

  772. Hmmm….I could probably fit a couple of dead bodies under my bed right now, provided they’re very thin ones. I recently purged the under-the-bed-space of dust bunnies and old shoes because spiders were crawling up from the basement through a hole in the floor, getting on the bed, and chewing me to pieces. Needless to say, that instigated a MASSIVE cleaning spree. Which means I have room for bodies…..but not the bugs that come with them.

  773. My first edition Nook (Yes. That’s what they call it. “First Edition.” Like it’s vintage or has a heavenly old book smell or something.) ANYWAY, my Nook doesn’t have color. In fact, it has little tiny photos that I can’t enlarge. I want a real copy of your book that has a signature and will develop an old book smell over time.

    Thanks, Jenny. I love you so hard, I’m chafed.

    PS. My favorite toe is the squiffy one that I smashed in a car door when I was nine and my breasts are named Myrtle and Brenda.

  774. My pants just totally ripped up the thigh and crotch when I bent over just now. I’m literally bursting at the seams with excitement for you 🙂

  776. I was playing Words with Friends and it would not let me use the word stabby. Can we start a petition?

  780. read a library copy of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened,” and was literally laughing out loud; a cure for the greyness and gloom that hangs over my part of the USA … sorry I have nothing witty or weird to say, other than thank you for being brave enough to be you!

  781. Give me your book so I don’t have to kidnap a taxidermied animal for it!

  782. Since we purchased a new frame no bodies fit under our bed – this really disappoints the cat. Not because there are usually bodies under the bed and he likes that – it’s his favorite hiding spot and now he can’t get under there. Wow, I’m not sure this comment made any sense…. Thank goodness it’s for you….

  783. If you leave the glass eyeball on top of the book overnight, will it read it???

    I would so love an autographed copy of this book because 1) I came to hear you read when you were at the Elliott Bay Bookstore in Seattle and you were wonderful but it was the one hot day we had all summer and the bookstore had no air conditioning and there were about 4000 people there and standing in line I thought I was going to die so I had to leave so I did not get your autograph. Okay, that’s one reason why I would love an autographed copy. But I do want to read your book in an English accent, so there’s that reason, too, why I would like to win.

    🙂

  784. My cat is under house arrest for the foreseeable future due to an explode, rotting absess on his backside. He was probably in a gang fight, with jazz dancing. The vet said since the wound is on his back that he’s a runner, not a fighter, but I maintain this is all part of a plot to frame the other neighborhood cat, because he’s a badass. My cat, not the other one.

  785. I want to win a copy!! When I was in high school, after I broke up with my “long term” boyfriend I nicknamed him “Bastard Lips.”

  786. I can’t fit any bodies under my bed since it’s on the floor, unless it had been flattened by a steam roller like in a cartoon …

  787. I want to win! I loaned my (signed!) hardcover to a friend and I’m pretty sure she’s planning to steal it. Our entire friendship is now in question. A paperback would save the day… and no way is she getting her mitts on my extra chapter.

  788. My grandpa has a glass eyeball — the old one had to be removed because of melanoma — and as a kid I used to give myself a lot of grief staring at his face, trying to figure out which eye was the glass one. (Spoiler alert, child: it’s the one that isn’t looking directly at you.) I’m pretty sure if he’d had a glass cow eyeball, I would’ve been able to discern the difference more easily. This is why we should only have glass cow eyeballs and stop with the pedantic “let’s match the color of your other eye” thing. FOR THE CHILDREN.

  789. I saw your jacked up pictures of softcore unicorn porn and, well, we should be friends. Also, I think I could fit roughly 4 adult bodies under my bed. It’s a tight space and they’d have to be pretty thin; I think if I got the right body types, it’d be doable. I hope this answers your question.

  790. I need a copy of your book! I’ve been reading my roommate’s, and she is going to eventually make me give it back =(

  791. I had no idea they re-made books for other English-speaking markets. Surely everyone knows favorite=favourite, etc. Though, I have to say, even as a lifelong US resident, I tend to spell and use expressions from British English.

  792. The atomic weight of said glass cow eyeballs would be a relatively ineffecient measurement. Plus I once had a car named Old Weird Harold…he didn’t mind.

  793. Your favorite toe- Big toe, left foot, except it has a big nasty bruise under the toe nail, so I think I’m going to unfriend it.
    The pet names of your body parts- I didn’t have any, but I’ve just decided to name my elbows Horace and Borris so I’d have an answer to go here.
    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime- I’ve never had a glass one, but when I was younger I used to pop the eyes out of the fish my grandpa would catch and play pool with them using a pencil and a pool stick.
    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed- I have no idea, but I can fit 37 tomato plants in my closet. =)

  794. You know, I truly had no idea this tribe was so large, much less so darned eager to win a book. You’d think we were signing up for a chance to win a trip on the Tardis or something. Hey, is there any chance of that, seeing as how this IS the UK version? Maybe the publisher can pull some time strings or something. Maybe at least arrange a trip in a blue truck with your vet?

  796. Un-dismembered, probably 2 bodies. Dismembered, probably 6. And I think glass cow eye balls would make a unique fringe for lamps, so…at least 12 to 16 per house lamp.

  797. Whatever bodies end up under our bed will be extremely comfortable because our cat keeps dragging socks and washcloths and whatever small bits of clothing he finds under there. I think he’s a hoarder.

  798. I got Wil Wheaton to autograph a photo of him collating paper at the Calgary Expo last weekend. It’s one of my favourite photos I got all weekend.

  799. I purchased the US version of your book whilst living in the UK, and now I live back in the US, so it’s only fitting that I obtain the UK version of your book now, right?!

    As for a random fact about me… I have a birthmark (or at least an as-long-as-I-have-memories mark) on my knee that’s a small constellation of brown freckles. Several times as a child, when I was trusted to clean myself, my mom would do a check to be sure I truly was clean before I got out of the tub. She tried to scrub my mark off on multiple occasions, thinking it was dirt. It is still there, and it is not dirt.
    And yes, this is a fact in my “you clearly didn’t have time to devote to me as #4 of 4… I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A BABY BOOK!” arsenal.

    She’s a good mom, though. Other than the scrubbed-raw knee part.

  800. Our Roomba, Ralph, checks under the bed every day preventing us from keeping more than one strategically placed body under the bed at any time.

  801. My bed is so tall I have a step stool to get into it so I’m estimating . . . (4 across and probably at least 3 deep plus two crosswise at the foot . . . carry the one . . .) 20.

    I’d love to have an autographed copy of your book!

  802. I once had a real cow’s eyeball in a glass jar in my room. We were learning about the eye in third grade science and got to dissect real cow eyeballs and then bring them home. (My mother was very non-plussed.) In fifth grade we dissected real cow lungs and hearts. We were all given straws and were instructed to blow into the lungs to see how they expanded. My mother was glad that they didn’t send those body parts home with us. I think it is also important to mention that all of this dissecting happened in the cafeteria. The late 70s were a magical time.

  803. I want a book! Because I already bought 3 and gave away 2 and they are just so awesome and everyone I let read MY copy says you are the coolest thing since pool noodles. And I happen to agree with them. 😀

  804. Plus, I posted a picture on your FB page of Nathan Fillion about to be enTWINEd by a huge snake. That’s gotta be worth something.

  805. I tried to do a good deed today and it ended with a visit from a police office. I think I deserve a book for that. Or maybe a glass eyeball. 😀

  806. My nook version is broken. It’s missing a chapter. 🙁 I loved the book, and it’s one of the few that I actually need / want a real copy of. 😉

  808. I would totally find something to do with the cow glass eyeballs, cause you know – I’m creative AND morbid like that. I’m sure I would find somewhere to put them or some craft project to use them in. As for your book it would be nice reading material and I would probably start laughing while reading it in public and when people asked what I was laughing about, it would be something they would look at me weird and walk away from. I don’t mind that at all. So I would be honored to have a copy of your book.

  809. *in British accent*

    I say, dear fellow, I read that as “Dildo, with a giant box of cocks”. Heavens, me!

  811. I’d love to have a copy of this so I can read the whole thing over in a British accent, or maybe Scottish, because why should the British have all the fun?

  813. I love the cover of this version! I bought your book months ago for my Nook and loved it…I would love the opportunity to read the new chapter & to have a signed copy!

  814. I would LOVE to win an autographed copy! First, I’d read it all over again, especially the secret new chapter. Then, I’d pretend I was going to give it to a friend, then I’d snatch it back and say, “I will not be parted with this, my precious!” Then I’d give it to them, because I’m not a douche-nozzle.

  815. A couple of weeks ago, I was having a really bad day. My mom called and told me she wanted to take me to the bookstore to get me out of the house. We went and I asked her to stop at the cat sanctuary across from the bookstore. Originally, we were just going to look in the window, but I convinced her to go inside. We went in and there were three ladies inside taking care of the cats. Three ladies who did not speak to us once. They didn’t ask us if we wanted a cat, if we wanted to contribute to the care of the cats, or even why the hell we were there. We walked out after five minutes, giggling all the way. Animals really do help.

  816. we once had a duck that we bought as a duckling at the Orschelns down the street (that’s a farm store, or hillbilly heaven as I call it). The duckling cost $4, so we named him Four Buck. His brother was named Bob. We let them live in the attic of my husband’s fraternity house until the maintenance on campus figured out we were hiding something in the attic. I wanted to go all “White Fang” on the ducks and release them into the wild, but instead they were given to a family in the town our college was in. I hope Bob and Four Buck weren’t eaten by homeless people. More likely they were terrorized by local school children because most of them are total ass holes.

    Also, I love your book and would love another copy, to go with the 2 I already have 🙂

  817. I don’t have favorite toes – I really dislike my toes. But here’s the question: do I hate my toes because I keep breaking them (I’ve broken 4 now) or do I break my toes because I hate them?

    It’s a thinker!

  818. I have nothing witty, but I would love an autographed glass cow eyeball, err, I mean, autographed copy of your book. Thx.

  819. I don’t have anything witty to contribute, but I did lose 2 pounds last week even after eating pizza. So while I might not win a book, I’ve got that.

  820. So completely glad to be a part of this tribe. I would love to put an autographed UK version of the book next to my hardcover copy on my bookshelf. 🙂

  821. I reckon I could find a use for a box full of vintage glass cow eyeballs – I’m envisioning a large vase full of them as a centrepiece on my dining table, kind of like the Martha Stewart types do with Christmas baubles…

    But winning a copy of your book would be cool, too 😉

  822. Taxidermy freaks me out. But I would love to read your book.

  823. Loved the book! Would love to have another copy to share with friends even more!!!

  824. I can’t fit /any/ bodies under my bed, since the box spring rests directly on the floor because I am lazy, and that way I never have to sweep under the bed and also it does not eat my socks.

  825. Today the I was listening to Kevin and Bean (So. Cal radio hosts) and they were talking about all the things Beyonce demands from the venues she performs in. The entire time I was wondering what a giant metal chicken would need with a red toilet seat and hand-carved ice balls.

  826. I would talk about the bodies under my bed, except I can’t fit any under there. I suppose I could put just their heads under there, but what if they turned out to be zombies? Then I would have a bunch of zombie heads under my bed wailing about braaaaiiiinnnnsss incessantly. Although, if I could get them to wail in harmony, I might could take that show on the road. I would call it Bobbed Zombies and it would be EPIC

  827. I think a gross of glass eyeballs are probably sufficient. Of varying sizes and colours.

  829. I’m sneaking some computer time while my kids play in the backyard somewhat unsupervised (I’m right beside the window, poised to help in the event of screeching). Please send me a copy of the book! I’d love to win, especially as I pre-ordered the ebook and haven’t had a chance to read the secret paperback chapter!

  830. 42*

    *Thats all I have to say because I’m sure you understand.

  832. Apparently i need a website; you got a spare i can use?
    And as a librarian, i don’t really need a book, but i wanna read the new chapter & would then pass it on…
    btw, when are you gonna do a reading in L.A.?

  834. Pick me pick me! You crack me up daily. Seriously you are my little guilty pleasure. As for me I’m just a mom to four, who frequently forgets how old she is, works at my kids school so I’m surrounded by kids who have adopted me as their moms lol.

  835. Do you think the library has this? If not, I must win it.. Or third best, buy it.. 🙂

  836. This is the part where I type a witty comment because I want you to pick it.

  837. I just busted my arse on my back porch in the rain about an hour ago, slipping on the slick, mildewed outdoor carpet trying to put our “stray” cat (translate: “neighbor’s cat”–she ran away from home when he got dogs) in the basement to get her out of the rain. Ironically, I was just bragging to my pain treatment doctor this morning that I do not have bad chronic neck and back pain since my gallbladder was taken out in November of last year.

  838. I’m in. I’ve been wanting to read this book for a while. I can’t remember how I found your blog, aside from loads of my friends saying they like it. Not direct references – not like, “you should really read this” – just general “ooh The Bloggess is great”. Eventually I finally got around to reading and I’ve enjoyed it. You have a sense of humor I can appreciate, and your conversations with your beloved reminds me a bit of ones with mine.

    I don’t have a favorite toe, but my least favorite is the pinky toe, because it’s the most likely to snag on the leg of the coffee table.

  839. If it weren’t for Robert Downey, Jr., I’d still be clipping toenails on that three-legged, bug-eyed aye-aye with Francois Mitterand’s half-sister Ethel.

  840. I have your book on my Kindle but it would be much easier to flip to the famous Post it fight chapter that I reference all the time, with a hard copy 😉 HILARIOUS

  843. Comment, comment…. comment, comment commentttt COMMENT!!!! comment. CoMmeNT!!! Comment? c-c-c-omment~ (comment).

  844. LOVED this book!!! Loved meeting you in Dayton, Ohio too!!!

  845. Thanks for liking our Nathan Fillion necklace and mentioning it in the paperback book. You are punk so punk rock! Dorito tacos are fucking awesome.

  847. I would LOVE a signed book! I don’t have much stuff in my master bedroom (it is wear we keep my husbands clothing, my clothing being kept in one of the guest bedrooms which we refer to as the “shoe room” so I would say we could hide 4 adults comfortably under our bed, 6 midgets. My favorite toe are the 3 in the middle, the little one is just odd and the big one makes holes in my socks, but I would be WAY clumsier without it. I have not named my body parts, but when my sister was younger and evil (before my mom realized she actually had to feed her on a regular basis, we now know the medical terminology as “hungry”) she would tell people her first name was Mickey, her back name was Donald, her right arm was Minnie, her left arm was Pluto, her right leg was Chip and her left leg was Dale. You see, she was in LOVE with Mickey Mouse, and for some reason it made sense to change her name to Mickey until one day I could not take it anymore and I told her it was just a man dressed in a mouse costume. Kids can be mean……… Maybe that is why she is now doing her masters degree in Germany. Here I thought she just wanted to travel but maybe she is trying to get away form me. Huh…..when you open up about your toes it is amazing the stuff that comes spewing out.

  848. 6. I can fit 6 bodies under my bed because we have 6 drawers. All neat and tidy-like.

  849. If you are ever on Maui and need to dispose of a body my husband has a cousin with a pig farm. Also I copy of your book would be awesome, with your autograph would kick ass!

  850. I have to tell you that your tweets are among the few that I never skip over. You keep me happy.

  851. I *am* rather fond of my second toe, now that you mention it.

  852. I need to find out if I’m in your book! We’ve never meet, but still….

  853. I would love to read the new chapter… I got the hardcover and just missed the bookplate by a day.. I was very sad… 🙁 I found a heard (group, flock, gaggle) whatever of large metal chickens and thought of you.. My husband said that he was NOT going to have a bunch of crazy chickens throughout the house and so I got one small one for my desk… unfortunately metal chickens are like tattoos and now I want more… do we have a support group set up yet??

  854. I would like to reread your book, but I lost my Nook. People who find lost Nooks should take them to their nearest B&N, not reregister them as their own. I know that’s what who ever found it did because B&N was able to check for me:(

  856. LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS BOOK!! 🙂 I was laughing on a plane for 3 hours straight reading! People thought I was either really high or crazy!!

  857. At my age, there are no body parts left worth admiring – Just wish someone would have given me fair warning that it was all about to go to hell in a handbasket, so I could have been prepared…..

  858. My favorite toe is the second one on my right foot. It used to be the middle one until a 2 pound brick of frozen ground beef fell on it one day. Then it swelled up and looked like a blueberry, a couple months later the nail fell off and now it’s all wonky. Hmmm. Maybe it still is my favorite after all. It still looks swollen almost two years later.

  859. I was going to try and come up with something witty for my ‘post anything’ comment, but the past several hours of work have beaten the witty right out of me. Sorry.

  860. I still haven’t had the chance to read your book. I anticipate I’ll be cracking up from page one. I just love your sarcasm.

    …in other words: Pick me! PICK ME!!!!

  861. You inspire me to not hide my crazy nature and exotic tastes! Luv you Jenny!

  862. My Favorite toe is the second toe (next to big daddy) because mine bends backwards. I call my elbow my ‘moe-moe’, my nostrils are ‘noseholes’ because I sincerely dislike the word ‘nostril’. I have yet to find a constructive use for glass eyeballs but I did dissect a sheep’s eyeball in middle school and I kept a piece of it because it was hard and rubbery and sort of bounced which made it really fun to gross people out with ‘hey, check this out! *bounce*… yeah, that’s a sheep’s eyeball. wanna touch it?’. Depending on the size of the bodies and number of pieces you chop them into, I can fit anywhere from one to four bodies under my bed before they become visible from behind the dust ruffle. That’s the intended purpose of a dust ruffle, right?

  863. I’ve bought your book three times now. Loaned it to friends/my mom three times. Three times it hasn’t come back (they’ve been left on an airplane, in a hotel lobby, and at the Mall of America). I’m always a little sad, but then I’m like, “Hey! That’s three more chances for people to read this awesomeness. I can go get another one.” And I always do. Except I haven’t replaced my latest loss yet–aaaaaaand that’s where you come in. 🙂 (If I don’t get one, I will happily go buy a copy for a fourth time. Because it’s that worth it.)

  866. WANT!!.. fave toe: the big one bc its not scary big or creepy stubby.. The pet name for a body part: LEFTY How many glass eyeballs I think a normal person uses in a lifetime: Im from TX so id say 6.. The number of bodies I can fit under my bed: again Im from TX so 6 but they’d have to be small 😀

  867. I don’t even know where to start but just let me say that this makes my heart smile! You deserve this, Jenny! (we’re on a first name basis, BFF, by the way) I love coming to this blog. It truly is a community. I already have the US copy but would love a (signed! squeee!) UK copy of your book as well 🙂

  868. Just got a text from a friend asking if i had an aunt with a glass eye… I was like not that I know of why?? He told me to look on the blog and guess what there is another Tomica that spells her name like me woohooo. Great day

  869. Your favorite toe: right pinkie
    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime: 3
    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed: 6

    I want your book! I should probably just buy it, really, that’s your fault for giving it away. (Book sluts are my favorite kind.)

    🙂

  870. Hey Jenny!

    I don’t know about under t bed but I know I can fit my body into my suitcase an into a storage create. It may seem an odd fact but I moved recently and went a little punchy during packing. I don’t think the bottle of wine had anything to do with it.

    ~Sharon

  872. I was in 3rd grade when my dad died, and my step-mom gave me his glass eye. I didn’t even know he had one!! True story, I swear!

  874. Uh, toes. Yeah, they creep me out, so ew.

    I believe you could probably fit 5-6 bodies under my daughter’s brand new twin bed if you piled them up instead of just laying them in a single layer. Seriously, her bed is really tall. Like, concussion tall…if she ever falls out.

  876. I want to be friends with you. And read your new chapter.

  877. I had a totally witty comment thought up, then I clicked to comment and forgot it.

    So instead I’ll go with this: I don’t know how many bodies I can fit under my bed, but I could fit two in the trunk o my car, so I’m a person to know if you need to move two bodies….

  878. I don’t know about you, but I can never find glass eyeballs when I need one.

  880. What to talk about.. hmm. I can tell you about the weirdest taxidermy I’ve happened to come by IRL.

    It was at a cafe in Copenhagen and in the one corner they had an ostrige standing with a fox sitting on it’s back. The ostrige was equipped with bridle and a western saddle with a lasso attached to it -and the fox, fully dressed as a cowboy, was riding it. Somewhere I have a bad photo of this, but I don’t need to find it to remember the sight 🙂

    As for your ‘vintage glass cow eyeballs’. I would love to spy with my lazy eye how one of these show up in my mail box.

    Can I finish by saying how I hope one of those could find it’s way to Denmark. The book isn’t out here (naughty pulishers) and I’d LOVE to read it.

  882. I could go through several boxes of glass eyeballs to hand out to trick-or-treaters at Halloween. It’s time to finally become “that house.”

  883. Pick me! 😀 Love the book, can’t wait to read the new version.

  884. I got a new bed that has 4 large drawers under it. If I lined them with plastic and chopped up the bodies… But then the cats would try to get in there and I don’t want them to get a taste for blood. They might try to kill me one morning if I’m late filling their bowls.

  885. I remember dissecting a REAL cow eyeball in 7th grade. Does that qualify me to win a fabulous glass cow eye substitute?? Pretty please????

  886. If I won a book, I’d have to invite my friends over, save a seat just for the book, and serve its tea first.

  887. I’m pretty sure one can never have too many copies of your book. I mean I only have the American hardcover edition with your lovely signature in it. So it would be oh so lovely to get the UK edition signed as well. If I win would you please add to your idea about who the heck Clara Oswin Oswald is?!??! And also where the heck has River Song been?!?? It’s really just that I want you to write something about Doctor Who in the UK version of your book because that just seems like the right thing to do. Fantastic! Thanks! K bye.

  888. I loved the book!!! PS I can fit at least 2 bodies under my bed, maybe 3.

  889. Comment? Hmm, perhaps you would like to hear about my day in which I somehow threw an entire salad into the air and how it landed all over the tile floor and the french door windows? And how of course the dog thought it was Christmas..however he doesn’t like faux crab or beets apparently so those got spit out right at me. And my day went no where but down from there. I would love a UK version of your book, because I am fairly certain that I was British in my previous life.
    thank you for your consideration.

  890. I recognize that I probably won’t win. But you definitely can’t win if you don’t comment. 🙂

    But I can tell you that the very first car I ever bought, did involve thoughtful consideration of bodies.

    I went to several dealerships to look at cars and one of the things I looked at was trunk space. I needed a large amount of trunk space because I normally hauled around computers for my job. However that was far too mundane to say in a car dealership, so normally I would look at the trunk and ponder out loud how many bodies I could fit in the trunk. The Honda was just 2. The Toyota was also 2. The Hyundai was 2 1/2. Of course, I always got horrified looks from the sales people and often they hurried me out of the dealership. But when I got to Saturn, it had a huge trunk. I was so impressed. The first words out of my mouth were “Wow, you could fit THREE bodies in here!” The salesguy looked at me and then at the trunk, and commented “Four if they’re friendly.”

    I bought the Saturn.

  891. I thought of glass eyeballs last week while driving with my husband. It was during a conversation where I decided that I want my body donated to science but not my head. At least not for a while. First, I want my wake and funeral conducted with my head, complete my eyes open sporting glass eyeballs, on a pedestal at the front of the room. Anyone who wants to speak must do so while either looking into my glass eyes or with their hand petting my hair and the story must be funny.

  892. Hi,
    Have the original, would absolutely love one with the extra chapter, and your autograph, well, priceless!

    Your fellow RA sufferer

  894. My squirrels need another book to eat. I you give me yours then I can give them another one. Something with more nuts.

  895. My high school boyfriend somehow came into possession of a ziplock baggy full of glass eyes… The people kind. He seemed to get a great deal of pleasure placing them around where someone unsuspecting might happen upon them.

  896. I want desperately to read this. And I think I could fit 4 dead bodies under my bed. Maybe 5..

  897. Dying to read it. Although I think the mouse on the cover is better! But still. Dying to read it.

  899. Funnily enough, most of my childhood we had a bag of REAL cow eyeballs in my house. My mom liked to put them next to the cookies.

  900. I first came across your book randomly and SWEET METAL ROOSTERS was I glad I did! Your an amazing author, made me laugh at a time when laughter was one of the last things I was doing! I would love another copy of your book with your autograph in it, so I can pass the laughter of my other copy around. Oh, and I think about a dozen glass cow eyes is enough for one person’s life time, besides there are so many other animals’ glass eyes you can get! Thanks again for the laughter you brought to me!

  903. I am a newer member of your tribe. I kept seeing your book everywhere, I have to say, the cover intrigued me! I finally took the plunge and downloaded it. I am so happy I did!! Your book is HILARIOUS. I woke up my husband several times during the night, laughing hysterically. The only regret I have is that I purchased it on my nook and can’t lend it out to my friends!

  904. my favorite toe it the little one on my left foot. or is it my right foot? I get them confused sometimes

  905. If I got a free autographed copy I could give my other copy away to someone who needed to find a tribe but couldn’t afford their own copy.

    My comment is that I’m very glad a co-worker is now done with all of the Rose episodes in Doctor Who so I don’t have to listen to her talk about my least favorite companion and soon we’ll get to talk about how awesome Donna is.

  906. I want to win! But I don’t have anything exciting to say right now.

  908. Since my current copy is on my kindle for traveling I’d love to have a hard copy! I feel like as long as I use the word ‘Motherfucker’ in this comment I stand a decent chance…

  909. As a method of providing a stimulating dose of much-needed pathological taxidermilogical self-loathing for inappropriate chuckles, the blog and book have provided a welcome excuse. Thanks!

  910. I would love to have an autographed copy. Will you have signed it? Does the taxidermied rat come with it? I guess not since it is not on the front cover of the US version. Congrats by the way! Everyone needs a box full of vintage glass cow eyes. At least some do. My blind cow could use a couple. Ah well, so it goes.

  911. Had a great conversation with Amanda (aka “Sister” from Momastery.com) a few weeks ago during Glennon’s book signing (thanks to Blue Willow) about Beyonce (the chicken) and how bad-ass you are.

  912. I have read it (of course!) but it is on my kindle so a hard copy version would be awesome!And an autograph? totally cool.

  913. I’m relatively new to this tribe, yet I love all of it. I’ve never felt so normal! In high school a (Spanish speaking) friend decided to name my boobs ‘Bufanda’ & ‘Maleta’. I thought the whole thing was very exotic & sexy…until my boyfriend told me I was endearingly referring to my tits as ‘Scarf’ & ‘Suitcase’.

  914. I want to own an alpaca farm. But not actually have to do any of the work of owning alpacas other than petting them occasionally.

  916. I love you’re website, you have no idea how many bad days you got me through. I found you when you found Beyonce and I’ve love it ever since. The fact you love Doctor Who makes it only better. Thank you for being you.

    Did you know you’re brain always sees your nose, it just chooses to ignore it. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could apply this to people in our lives… we know they are there, but we choose to ignore them. Think of the possibilities.

  917. My cat died three years ago and I’ve been thinking about finally getting a new cat but my heart is still broken because she was my best friend. Also I don’t know what to name a new cat.

  918. SO I am trying aluminum free deodorant and have discovered it works for 4 hours exactly then BAM!

    I think about 6 eyeballs would be a lifetime supply.

    My favorite toe is my big toe, it is easiest t paint, it’s name is Arthur, thanks for asking

    Three bodies and various body parts will fit nicely under my bed

  920. my copy is on loan to a friend which is of great concern. so excited to be a part of the tribe–i am just now speaking to a different friend who DID NOT advise me of said tribe. but she has helped my name my new metal rooster with a guitar alan-a-dale, so friendship is back on. love your blog and especially the messages about depression. it’s so hard if you haven’t been there and done that and as many people that can become aware the better. rock on!

  922. I can fit about 2 bodies under my bed. Unless they are small. If they are small, I could probably fit 3 or 4.

  923. –>I miss the days when you picked the funniest comment on your post and had it on display.

    Your book was fantastic – – everyone should buy it!

  924. I recently started a blog of my own. If I can comment on yours and win a book then I could comment on mine about how I won a book by commenting. If people then commented on my blog about the comment I left on your blog, would I then be obligated to give them a prize? Nevermind. I just won’t comment.

  925. I have 75 cows but they all still have their own eyeballs, so I think the glass ones would go to waste.

    Also, “And thank you for letting me be a part of it”??? You’re like the Lord Mayor of this tribe. (see what I did there? British term for a leader. Will that make me win a UK version of a book?)

  926. I could use about 17.5 glass cow eyeballs in a lifetime, don’t ask about the .5… And I would LOVE a copy of the book!!! Especially a UK version, maybe signed by your former vet, the 9th Doctor, oh and you too of course!!!!

  927. That cover is totally kick-ass. I need to have it. Is there an accompanying audiobook with you doing a British accent? Because I’d like to win that also.

  929. Just dawned on me… how are you going to contact me if I don’t fill in the e-mail address? Are your telepathic skills that strong? Just in case, submitting again, this time with address…. I remember dissecting a REAL cow eyeball in 7th grade. Does that qualify me to win a fabulous glass cow eye substitute?? Pretty please????

  930. Three not-at-all-interesting facts about me: 1) I really don’t like carrots, no matter how good for me they are. 2) I have very hairy toes for a woman. 3) One of my cats only has one-eye, so she could probably use at least one glass eye-ball. But knowing her she’d just pop it out and bat it around and lose it, so maybe she could use a whole boxful?

  931. I’m not very original, so I’m going to steal your suggestion… sort of. I refuse to reveal the names of my body parts. That’s way too personal, for shame Jenny! So, instead I will tell you my husbands. No! NOT THAT ONE! About 10 years ago, he had a hernia. Not the painful groin type, but the other less painful, belly button type. It was rather large and very very very visible (It turned out to be 5 hernias. The med students were beyond thrilled with that surgical procedure). Anyway. We named him Vito. He was with us for a long time. I must admit I missed him a little when he was gone. We still talk fondly of Vito.

  932. Yesterday I found 5 real Easter Eggs in my son’s room stuffed in a back pack. I thought the smell was because of Ginger (My son’s $2,now, dead mouse that was bought at Petco. FYI, he now knows the reason why they are only $2) or Mrs. Kipling (my son’s Leopard Geko who is still alive). Not even the 4 boxes of baking soda I had placed in his room to soak up the smell until his father came home from a business trip to clean them would help lesson the complete vomit inducing discovery yesterday.

    As for eyeballs. I think a nice large jar of eyeballs, say 962 of them, placed in the middle of the dining room table used as a centerpiece would make a great conversation starter. Maybe even used as a guessing game. We could write our answers using only our toes on unicorn stationary.

  933. I would love a copy of this! My sister in law came to your signing in Phoenix and got me an autographed copy of the hardcover copy of your book which is worthless because I’ve already read it. A shiny new paperback one would be lovely.

    … and I’m not sure how many bodies I can fit under my bed, but the guy that sold me my last car told me there was enough room for at least 4 bodies in the trunk. That’s good information to have… just in case. I never ended up using it for that, but I did warn a few people.

  934. What kind of bodies are we talking about? Let’s see, I could probably fit 3 average humans if I squished them under there, but could fit more if smaller (or if they were animals). I can think of 2 cats who would fit nicely if they continue to fill my house with mayhem. The only problem with stashing bodies under the bed is the smell; I’m sure my husband, and then my landlord, would complain. And possibly call the police.
    Moral of the story? Stash bodies in the trunk (or boot, if you’re British) of the car and use air fresheners like they’re going out of style.

  935. Ps… totally had a Beyonce themed birthday party 2 years ago. My best friend (I call her my wife) built be a 4.5′ tall cardboard replica so we could take pictures with him at my party (I have evidence). We served KFC and dino shaped chicken nuggets (because chickens evolved from raptors) and I laminated a copy of your Beyonce story for guests to read.

  936. As entertaining as a box of cow eyeballs would be, I would be far more entertained by your book. It would be picked up & reread as much as my copy of Fried Green Tomatoes. There’s only so many things I could do with eyeballs.

  937. As somebody who actually has a glass eyeball already I am wondering when the Braille version is coming out?

  939. I threw my back out last week. Then I had to miss work for 8 days. In which I made no money. So I think I have a good chance of winning, becasue something positive has to come along to counteract all that terrible shit.

  941. I’ve been reading highlights from your blog to my husband for the last few days. He’s quite convinced that you and I share some common genomes or gnomes or geodes or something. I stopped listening after a while because he was just blathering through important reading time. If you send me a copy of your book, we’ll BOTH be very pleased!

  943. I had an uncle or something who had a glass eye. Actually, he had several. He had a normal one for every day, one with an American flag, and one with a shamrock. You know, just for special occasions. His favorite trick was to wear the normal one to parties, wait until some other guest was plastered, then drop his eye in their drink…

  944. Did you know that your fan club extends to male, Midwestern, Presbyterian, ex-lawyer hedge fund managers? I have to think I am some sort of outlier here in my outwardly un-wacky maleness. But I and my entire family are very fond of you, virtually speaking. I read about 25 blogs every day, and they fall into two categories: (1) ones with titles like “Financial Times Alphaville,” “The Pragmatic Capitalist,” and “Calculated Risk”; and (2) you.

    I have also lived in the U.K., and my business partner is British. So yes, I’d love a U.K. copy of your book to share with him. Thank you in advance!

  945. My left little toe is crooked. It got broken in 1999 and has never been the same since. Painting the toenail on it is difficult.

  946. When he came out of his room dressed in an old t-shirt and ratty shorts, I told my son,
    “They don’t sell kids at the Goodwill, but if they did, this is what they’d look like.”

    It would suck to be kicked out of your own tribe. I’d love another copy of your book and would totally read it in a very bad British accent.

    <3 the blog, the Tweets, the weird taxidermy, the great t-shirts on Zazzle, and the book.

  947. Read your book once it was finally available from my local library (the waiting list was HUGE), and I rec it to anyone who appreciates funny shit or could benefit from knowing they’re not alone in their struggles with anxiety and/or depression. You rock, your book rocks, and your giveaway rocks. Thanks for being awesome!

  948. The blue background is so lovely!! It makes you feel tranquil…kind of like taking a xanax. lol

  949. Spent an hour laughing out loud while reading your book in the gynecologist’s waiting room this morning . . . after that it seemed not so weird when the doc said my cervix looked boring.

  950. So I read your book after I heard about it in your NPR interview. I remember they said somthing like : jenny Lawson blogger, mom etc who has accomplished so much with her crippling horrible bonitis” all I could think after this is how much I would hate it if I wrote a kick ass book amd thent as having done somthing amazing because I have ulcerative colitis and I cant get off the toilet (like seriously im on the toilet in Joanne’s for thirty minutes right now). O would be like fuck you talk more about how I am awesome not about how I am sick. Anyways, love the book and please forgive the toilet typos

  952. I loved it so much I gave my copy to a friend and convinced the Junior League to read it, though to date they seem utterly baffled. Anyway, I’d love to have a brand spanking new copy!

  953. I too stumbled…didn’t know about the blog until you seduced me with your skewed view of the universe!

  954. In college one of my roommates had a glass eye. This somehow inspired us to toast his glass eye anytime we were drinking shots. 10 years later if someone hands me a shot I will still lift my glass and say “to Ben’s glass eye!”

    Clarification: Ben had a human glass eye. Not a cow glass eye. Please give me a book.

  955. Your favorite toe – I don’t have a good favorite, I have a least favorite, the pinky toe on my left foot. it is ugly and I lost the toenail years ago wracking it off the leg of my bed frame.
    The pet names of your body parts? My breasticles.
    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime? I should ask my aint. She has a fake eye. She lost hers when she was a little girl trying to get a knot out of her shoe with a fork. Think about that.
    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed. 4, may be 6 if there are a few petite folks in the mix.

  956. Ooh pick me pick me! So I can stop checking the book out of the library all the time since I have no book budget right now. The librarians are probably worried about me.

  957. I guess the amount of body parts you can fit under your bed depends on the time you spend with a chainsaw before.

    I mean. Wow. Nice weather outside, huh?

  959. I would love to win a copy of your book. I already own the hard cover but I would love a to get my hands on a paperback with that bonus chapter. My favorite toe is my left pinky toe because it’s adorable.

    Also, is this a British translation of the book? 😉

  961. I don’t have a favorite toe, but we did sing about one when I was at summer camp many moons ago.
    (to be sung twangily & rather off-key)
    There’s a daisy on my toe,
    It is not real, it does not grow.
    It’s just a ta-too of a flower
    so I look neat, takin’ a shower
    It’s on the 2nd toe of my right foot
    A stem and flower, but there’s no root
    (‘Cause that wouldn’t look good!)
    There’s a daisy on my toe,
    It is not real, it does not grow.

    Also, I’m a total geek & a teen librarian, molding young minds into my own little geek army. So I need many more copies of your book, obviously…

  963. I’ve read this book 3 times and I was just thinking I need to check it out from the library again. Either that, or stop being such a cheap ass. I don’t know what my problem is. I’ve told 3 people this last week alone that they need to read this book. I was slightly embarrassed when my friend asked if I’d loan it to her, and I told her I don’t own it, but she totally should. Anyway, if I win a copy I could totally still be a cheap ass AND I could loan it to a friend.

  965. My slightly flabby underarms were compared to a soft pillow by a Russian friend. I don’t know whether it’s a good or bad thing.

  966. That’s a fabulous font for the title- elegant, yet cthulhu-y. Very you.

  967. I was hooked the day I fell off my chair, in laughter, when I first read about Beyoncé. Would love a signed copy of your book!!

  968. I’ve been in your tribe for over a year now and you’ve been my hero for nearly that long. I gave you a cape once. Yeah. Um. Thank you for being alive.

  969. I want one cause it’s pretty and blue and the other version I read was an ebook. This one will look good on my coffee table 🙂

  971. Today I didn’t feel like sticking an ice pick in someone’s eye. It was a good day.

  972. The blue is pretty, but the mouse is rather eye-catching. 🙂

  974. I need some glass cow eyes. Or an autographed copy of your amazing book. I’d be happy either way. 🙂

  975. I’m a big fan of the library and tried to get this book there… but they didn’t have it (WHAT?!) and then for Chanukah I got a Barnes and Nobel gift card and I said-SWEET i’m getting the bloggess’s book! …but then it wasn’t sold there yet… and then they got it in… and I have no idea what the heck I did with that gift card. In summary, I’d love to win it! 🙂

  977. Some of the letters on your book cover seem to have a serious case of split ends.

  978. Well, I actually like all of my toes. Maybe even love. But! I did something very responsible and adult-like this morning. It felt strange but great. Like lofe in general, really. So.

  979. I was born in Texas, and Hunter S. Thomcat could be my cat Crookshanks twin brother. So since we have all that in common I think I need that book. Also if I tried hard and really packed them tightly, I think I could fit about six bodies under my bed, not that I’ve ever given it a lot of thought or anything like that. Can I have the book please?

  980. I just wanted to say thank you. I got your book as an ebook. Last summer and (through an unfortunate coincidence) my youngest daughter spent almost a week in the hospital after a seizure and your book helped me make it through. I would love to read the new chapter (and totally love the Uk lettering). Thank you again.

  981. Did you know that in the 17th century the king claimed all pigeon poo to be his property? It was rich in potassium and was used in the making of gun powder. At least that is what I heard.

    Now….lets get that book ready to ship, eh?!

  982. Are you coming to UK/EU to promote this?
    Would love the chance to hear a reading (although I know how anxiety producing that could be for you- I am still selfishly hoping for it)

  983. Do ashes count? 5 family members and 3 pets in the spare bedroom. I do plan on scattering the ashes. It just hasn’t happened yet. Not weird, right? Well, maybe a little.

  984. Loved, loved, loved the book. Trying to win for a new friend that is a new fan of yours. 🙂

  985. So… last night I was riding around with my friend in her Bug (The Volkswagen, not an actual bug) and… Well, I guess I should really introduce myself first so you don’t think I’m too crazy. I’m a rather tall guy. And as you may (or may not) know, bugs have incredibly small amounts of leg room. So as I was riding with my friend, I decided instead of getting leg cramps, I’m just going to stick my legs out the window! Now, this probably wouldn’t be too big of a deal, except I was wearing gym shorts that are basically boxers. So my legs are flailing through the air as people drive by and it looks like I’m wearing no pants. Oh, and this is in small town OKLAHOMA!!! So, to put a very badly grammared bow on top of this nonsense, you should send a copy to me. Because 1) I stuck my bare, hairy, pure white legs out a window, 2) I gave my original copy of your book to the friend I mentioned in this story, and 3) WE’RE BASICALLY NEIGHBORS!!! If you just ignore the whole Oklahoma-Texas feud thing we actually get along really well!

  987. I have been wanting glass cow eyeballs for years! Butterbelle just looks odd and kind of spooky without them, with these two empty holes in her face. But I’d take a book, instead. Butterbelle won’t be able to read it, but oh well, sucks to be her.

  988. Proud to say I have a friend whose nickname for her lady bits is “Va-Jayjay Abrams”

    No relation. Or resemblance. According to her.

    😉

  989. wasn’t sure what to leave for a comment, then I realized that I’m going to need to rebuild my library after the buns finish eating all my books as my punishment for leaving them for a week. And I’m ok with this being the book to seed the whole.

  990. Today would be a lovely day to win a beautiful british book!
    Also- I have a fetus in my belly… so you’d really be giving TWO people a book if I win one! That counts for something?

  993. When I go to rainbow glitter unicorn St. Patrick’s day/birthday parties, dress up friends’ dogs in various hats and jewelry just for the amusement of my five year old, use my whiteboard at work to map out and track office gossip via a series of unrecognizable symbols and nicknames assigned to co-workers, ring a doorbell with my toe because my hands are too full of McDonald’s food and I’m really bendy, or any other assorted oddball situations that become me, I think of you and realize that I’m actually still very commonplace. Thank you for your assorted taxidermy animals that make me laugh almost as much as I laugh inside when I find myself sitting among stuffed Indians or pretending to meditate next to giant Buddha head statutes. It’s an honor to be a tribe member.

  994. I’ve never had a glass eye ball. I feel like I’m missing out. Of course I’ve also never had a signed book of yours either, and I’m definitely missing out on that!!

  997. I’m a children’s librarian and I absolutely adore your book! I read it when it first came out and recommended it to everyone! I have a new appreciation for taxidermy thanks to you and if I could incorporate stuffed wildlife into story time and terrorize a few children in the process my day would be complete!

  998. I would love to win a copy. That evil lying beast has been rearing its ugly head all week and I really could use a laugh. Coming here helps when things start to get to hard so win or not thank you for being here.

  999. I read your book recently and it was fucking amaze balls.

    I snorted snot bubbles of laughter the entire way through it.

    I loved it enough, I decided that at least one other person needs this much happiness without my script of Seroquel – so I ran a “Sisterhood of the Travelling Book” over on my blog and passed my copy on to someone else.

    I’d love one. Can you ship to Cape Town, South Africa?

    http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/lets-pretend-this-never-happened/

  1000. my favorite toe: right big toe. it’s really nice. pet name for body part: my china (you can guess which one).

  1001. I would really like to have a book and a glass eye if you don’t mind. I’ve never had a glass eye. Once I met Marilyn Manson and he had a glass eye mounted on a ring on his hand. I don’t know if it was real or what. I don’t know what that has to do with anything but it’s all I’ve got.

  1002. Woke up this morning to the news that one of my son’s guinea pigs was DEFINITELY not male as we previously thought, as there was a cute little baby guinea pig just chilling in the enclosure.

  1003. Three random facts:
    1. Once, when I was a small child, I colored almost my entire hand with a black permanent magic marker because I wanted to be black.
    2. In third grade, we learned that humans have seven layers of skin, and I freaked out because I had already had three peeling sunburns by that point.
    3. My friend says I must have been a huge asshole in a past life to get stuck with the feline version of the honey badger.

  1006. I need to know the location of the nearest hospital at all times. Whether at work, driving from one end of the city to the other or travelling I cannot relax unless I know where it is…you know, just in case. Does that make me part of the tribe?

  1007. I think this is approximately the 2304230984 time I have tried to win your book for free… I am sure the only way for me to win is to purchase the book less than 24 hours before you announce the winner.

  1008. I just went to a PT and she stuck a bunch of needles in my leg to make my muscles contract & spasm involuntarily.

  1009. I’ve already read the book, (us version) but would love to get it autographed, possibly mail it to you with a postage paid return box? Or pick me to win this one 😉

  1012. Squirrels terrify me, stuffed or otherwise. I swerve at them when I see them in the street.

  1013. I bought the hard cover the day it came out at the airport and then proceeded to laugh uncontrollably and sob the whole flight. This really annoyed my seat neighbor, but she was annoying the stewardess by not turning off her mobile devise or correcting the position of her chair. I figured it was fair swap of annoyances for that trip.
    Thank you for writing it and being you!

  1014. Yes, please! I am currently reading your book for the first time, and find myself alternating between laughing hysterically (a raccoon in pants?!) and crying quietly (my first son was stillborn at 28 weeks). I would love to read the new chapter, and be able to gift your wit to a friend when I’m through.

  1015. I never intended for this to happen ( like we ever really do) but my 13 almost 14 yr. old picked up my copy of your book and is now one of your biggest fans, she even read an excerpt from your book in a comedy routine she had to do for a class assignment and now aspires to be a blogger like you!! She would LOVE a copy of the UK edition, especially because she spent much of her early years trying to speak with a British accent! We love your book Jenny!

  1016. i love this. mostly for the glass cow eyeballs, but the book is equally great!

  1017. I have no room under my bed for bodies, but my trunk can fit quite a few.

  1018. I collect books. It’s better than collecting weird crap the cat coughed up or lint from the dryer. But I admit they take up more room and are heavier. I already have a hard copy of your fucking fantastic book but I would LOVE to have a UK version with your autograph in it. It would probably be the best thing to happen to me, EVER! (I don’t get out much; the books have me trapped).

  1019. Trying to teach my three year old how to roll her eyes at her brother. That’s a good idea, right?

  1020. Commenting to win! I don’t have a favorite toe. They are all kinda sad.

  1021. The only body’s that can fit under my bed are my cats. That’s where they hide when anyone comes to the door. I don’t know where they get it from…wait was that a knock at the door? Time to hide!

  1022. I’d say I knew you when, if only I had found your blog sooner than 2 weeks ago. That said – I think a big box of glass cow eyeballs could be the coolest thing but you’d need a LOT of them -you could attach them to a huge wall, like in a powder room. How trippy would that be – a full wall of eyeballs! Then you could creepily say before someone goes in there “be careful, they’re watching………”
    Would love an autographed copy of your book!

  1023. we actually do have a glass eyeball. It was my great grandmothers. My grandpa brought it to show and tell when I was a kid and freaked everyone out

  1024. I’d love an autographed copy of the book with the new chapter. But I might love an autographed glass eyeball more.

  1025. Also, there’s not much room for much more beneath my bed. I do, however, have a rather large closet.

  1026. My 16 year old cat, Rajah, *loves* olives. Goes crazy for them — like catnip crazy.

  1028. Long time reader, first time commenter.

    Yay, Doctor Who!

    Megs

  1029. I could probably fit 2-3 bodies under my bed, maybe 4. If I moved my storage boxes. I usually have 1 under there anyway. My rabbit loves to spend tons of her time under my bed when I’m not at school or work. She would probably thump while I put the bodies under there, and she might nip them to get them to move out of her way, but that wouldn’t work. I have been planning on getting your book for ages, just the poor student part makes it hard. But the NEXT book I buy, will be it. Unless I win this signed copy! Which I would hold as a prized possession, and my rabbit will probably end up nibbling it, much to my chagrin. 🙁 Oh well.

    Basically I can fit no bodies under my bed because my rabbit would be mad at me for piling things up in her space.

  1030. A very good friend recommended your book to me by saying “it reminds me of your sense of humor.”
    So I got it from the library and laughed-til-I-cried through several chapters. For a while I was SO flattered that my very good friend thought i was even remotely this funny. Then the inevitable happened & I started over thinking EVERYTHING and came to the obvious conclusion that my very good friend was just trying to point out that I say f*ck a lot.

  1031. You make my heart happy! I would LOVE an autographed copy of your book!

  1033. Oh yes please! I bought the kindle addition when it first came out, but there is nothing like holding the real thing in your hands! Of course, I am talking about your book… what else would I want to hold in my hands????

  1034. my glass eyeball popped out. it rolled down the hall, and my cat, Koko Picasso, chased it under the dresser. Cash, the other cat, pawed it out and carried it to the vent, where he promptly dropped it right down into the ductwork. i think they did it on purpose because i brought home a fake chicken, which i named Gladys (she’s really a cross-dressing rooster) and perched her on my tv stand, where the cats are not allowed to climb. so i’m thinking in a jealous rage, they seized the opportunity to make a point. maybe i’ll move Gladys.

  1035. Your favorite toe: The second one, which is slightly longer than my “big” toe because it will not be overshadowed by THAT asshole.

    The pet names of your body parts: Just my boobs, Pinky and the Brain.

    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime: 6.

    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed: None. I sleep on an air mattress like the classy motherfucker that I am.

  1036. Um…comment to win a signed copy of your book? Who wouldn’t?

    What I would do with glass eyeballs would depend on how much they actually look like real eyeballs.

  1037. Waiting for you to use a gypsy wagon as inspiration to travel wherever your thoughts take you. Or, just to use as an escape in your own backyard.

  1038. Unfortunately, unless they were small bodies, I don’t think I could fit but maybe one body under my bed. It’s a bed on a truck, so there are all sorts of important things under there already.

  1039. Well, I don’t have an under the bed because they creep me out. I don’t think you need more than 3 glass eyeballs. One for everyday,one for dress up occasions and an extra, just in case. My kid has presented me with both your hardback and paperback versions, signed in NYC ( he left a party last time to dash over and stand in line.)
    You brighten my day. That’s really enough but I would not turn down the British copy of your book.

  1041. I read “the number of bodies you can fit under your bed” as “the number of doodles you can fit under your bed” and you know what? I didn’t even think twice about it.

  1042. I actually know of someone who eats eyeballs. Some kind of delicacy. I can fit 2 parrots under my bed. Any more than that and they fight. No bodies. I have other means to take care of those. (shhhhh) I have been reading you since you got the rooster. It makes me feel less odd when I say things like ‘my kitchen is full of giant fake boulders and I can’t cook dinner’.

  1043. Well I already actually have a copy that I bought and one that I got as a gift (from my sister, who I also bought a copy as a gift for, gah!). So I’ll just have to disagree with you in that you can never have too many of these things! Third one is a charm or something??

  1044. Wow. Just reading some of the comments makes me think I’m not worthy or that I’m somehow lacking in the right version of weird to deserve a book. But then the glass eyeball thing gets me wondering if they buried Peter Falk with his eyeball when he passed, because really, he was done with it…how we’d never fit bodies under our bed because we store too much sh*t under there (so that’s probably where the cat keeps her stash)…how I named the girls Perky and Spike when I was 13, but my husband has renamed them Belle and Norma and I’m pretty sure I don’t wanna know where those names came from. Also I visited a gift shop yesterday that had a stuffed animal of a bear’s head (toy, not taxidermy) and I nearly brought the damn thing home to hang in the living room, so I think I qualify a little. Thanks for the opportunity! (even though I admit reading your followers comments makes me afraid to leave the house now)

  1045. I read your book on my kindle and LOVED it! Unexpectedly the other night a women at my daughter’s school shared that she had an anxiety disorder and she was working on overcoming it. I told her all about you and recommended your book and blog. I wished I had it in
    print to loan her so I would love to win one!

  1046. Bless you for the silver ribbons. You have saved more lives than you realize. I’m glad I get to live in the world that you’re a part of.

  1047. Well, I like the US cover MUCH better than this UK version. Took all the fun out of it. I actually have a hardbound copy of your book and enjoyed it immensely. I would love an autographed UK version so that I could read it aloud to my cat in a British accent. She loves that sort of thing. However, I would settle for a glass cow eye.

  1048. When you say “autographed copy,” do you mean you just cavalierly jot your name in the front of the book, or do you mean “Emily, you are the most fantastically wonderful person on the planet. Love & Kisses, Jenny.”? Because I am really terrible about lending books to people and never getting them back, and I think it would really help if someone would write my name in the front cover before I’m allowed to own them. I have already lost one copy of your book in this way.

  1049. My left nipple is shaped like a comma. When i lay on one side, my chest is a semicolon!

  1050. My best friend Kathryn LOVES your blog. Last year I got her a “Knock Knock Motherfucker” t-shirt for Mothers Day. This year maybe I could give her an autographed copy of your book!

  1054. I could try to comment about something witty, but all I can think about is how hungry I am and how hard relationships are. Sunshine and roses, basically.

    In other news, thank you for being a gem <3

  1055. Can I comment on how awesome you are? Because I’m sure you never get tired of hearing that. And also, because I like to say true things, and there is no truer thing than that. Except maybe that “Cogito, sum” thing. Psh. Descartes ain’t got nothing on you, sister.

  1056. I favor the toe next to my big toe. Yes, I’ve read your book; but I’m greedy and want a signed copy. I’ll pass my unsigned hardcopy to someone, maybe:)

  1057. I’m an excellent packer. How many bodies do you need for me to fit under my bed?

  1060. So, I’m pretty sure I won’t win since I never win anything. But I’d love to win a free autograph copy of your book. I’m really curious about the tentacles growing out of the title on the British version, as shown in the picture. Maybe the vintage glass cow eyeballs WOULD be more normal.

  1061. Holy crap on a cracker how are you gonna pick a few winners from the *currently almost 1000* comment?

    I’d love to win a copy, as I lent out my hard copy and it has gone MIA. I haz a sad.

  1063. I know you can fit at least one cat and a 19-month-old little girl under my bed – that happens frequently at my house. The poor cat doesn’t find it very amusing – it used to be her safe space. The 19-mo-old is very proud of herself!

  1066. I like the American cover better than British one, but I would totally love to have a copy of either!

  1068. I NEED this! Pretty Please 🙂
    Your best friend forever, (cause we met that one time and it was awkward)
    Lenee’

  1069. Jenny, you aren’t just in the tribe, you are the fucking Queen. We need to get you a crown, possibly made out of a taxidermied animal or maybe something with antlers….

    And I would guess three bodies… Four if they are skinny.

  1070. I just finished your book in paperback (I am so sorry about the lack of prostitutes but bravo on moving up in the nipple world!) and I loved it! I’d like to receive an autographed copy so I can give my current copy to my sister-in-law who has a blog and writes books, she could really learn some things from you. Like how to keep readers from falling asleep.

    Loved it! Can’t wait for you to write another one!

  1072. So, is Caitlin Moran the English Jenny Lawson? Does she dress her dead animals in British regalia?? Also, I wanna win:)

  1073. Friend: What are you getting for dessert?
    Me: A piece of Fuck You Cake?
    Friend: Wait, what?
    Me: It’s so good that if you bother me while I’m eating it, fuck you.
    Friend: (eats a bite)
    Me: Well?
    Friend: The world can go fuck itself!

  1074. I named my coffee maker Sir Brew-a-lot. And everymorning I pretend that he answers my questions for a cuppa with: OH SHUT THE F**K UP!

  1076. O_o scrolling to the bottom of the page on mobile to comment takes a long time. Wow.

    At any rate, keep on being awesome. You are one of the few things putting a smile on my face lately. Thank you.

  1077. I would love a copy of the book and I am currently looking for a lil Jayz to go with my friends lil Beyoncé, know where I can get one!!!

  1079. I bought the book for my kindle, but a signe copy would be pretty ok.

  1080. I wish I could stop chewing my fingernails. Maybe if I win, I will!

  1081. I would be super excited to win so I could have a copy with the extra chapter. It would take the edge off the fact that my allergies are kicking my butt right now and my Zyrtec is not doing its job.

  1082. Bodies under bed? At last count, there were 49 fingers, 23 hooves
    and 5 tails. Interested in trading a glass eye for something? Lo.

  1083. Ooooo I’d love one. I keep regifting mine to those in need or depressed or because I forgot to buy them a gift so hey you’ll love this book too

  1085. Thank you for the unlimited giggles on some of my darker days.

    Speaking of glass eyes…well…I can’t really do that…I’ve never seen one in person….or IN a person…or a cow…or any animal for that matter. My pug looks like he has a marble eye…it’s all blue and cloudy and makes him look like a badass. I want to put an eyepatch on him and somehow attach a parrot or tiny monkey to his shoulder, but the boyfriend won’t let me. So, I just have to pretend he’s a little pirate pug…and I’m pretty sure he knows.

    Along the same lines…I have seen some ridiculously huge contacts that could have passed for half a glass eye. They were my grandpa’s and they freaked me the fuck out.

  1086. Hey, I have “cow” in my last name. Do I get 2 entries and the glass cow eyes? I’ve got a plan for the eyes involving glass and a clip on mustache.

  1087. Please pick me because the third shot of novocaine this afternoon made my heart accelerate in a really exciting way, my face is still numb, and apparently I have no idea how to spell novocaine. Novocane? Nope.

    Also because your tribe is now so huge, so why don’t I know more people in it? *That* is why I deserve a copy of your book. And I mentioned your book in two separate job interviews and still didn’t get a job offer and maybe I should listen to what I’m saying here to answer the baffling question of why I haven’t been hired. But I refuse. I’m a librarian and I think if people don’t think you are hilarious, they don’t deserve me as a librarian.

    And like everyone else, I love you.

  1088. I would have to say that the minimum glass cow eyes needed in a lifetime would be 35. I figure you will probably missplace at least 6 in your lifetime, give 14 as “Dirty Sants” gifts at your place of employment, keep three to use like those chineese meditaiton balls you roll in the palm of your hand, dare 6 eigth graders to swallow one on a dare…leaving you 6 to travel the world help our self-consious bovine in third world countries…yep…35 minmum…

  1089. Hey Jenny. I’m watching Ellen. She’s got Cher and her mom on. You should watch. You’d like it.

  1090. I had to dissect a cow eye in middle school and never really recovered from it. I assumed the cows were dead and maybe used for food but now that you propose this idea of glass cow-eyes I can’t help but imagine some poor cow selling one of their eyes to make ends meet. The positive though is I also imagine the cows family all getting together and working double time to sell milk to get said cow a glass replacement.

  1092. Sometimes I think you’re inside my head. Which is almost certainly uncomfortable for both of us, but at least there’s circus music you might enjoy.

  1094. My mom and I love your blog! I have a feeling she wants dead animal art now because of you 🙂

  1095. I’m happily part of this tribe, and so happy more people keep joining!

  1096. I think the average person would possibly use 8-49 glass eyeballs in one lifetime. Also, I just ate a yogurt, but I wish it was ice cream. What a great job, right?!

  1097. My first OBGYN visit, the nurse told me to completely strip down and wait for the doctor. I don’t particularly like being nude, but I didn’t want to act all prudish about it, so I’m just standing there, totally naked and trying to act cool with it. The doctor walks in and tells me there’s a robe under the sheet on the table. After giving me the once-over. I kind of wanted to die.

    Also, I want the book.

  1098. After reading your book, I promptly went to Amazon and ordered it for all my friends who have eReaders (that way they could read them faster). It would be lovely if you picked me to win a hard copy, but it’s ok if you don’t. I loved your book more than I can possibly state and am convinced that you could possibly be one of my spirit animals, but I have so many I have lost count. So there’s that…

  1100. I’m always curious as to why the covers are different in different countries. Anyway, I’d love to win an autographed copy of this one!

  1101. I have an extensive collection of porcelain unicorns… Most people find it creepy and then I introduce them to this blog. I appreciate having someone more ridiculous than I am 🙂

  1102. I don’t have a favorite toe, but I have a least favorite one! It’s my left pinky toe. One day my toenail on that toe just fell right off. Right off. For no reason! When I looked at it, there was a second, newer toenail already in place. So maybe it *should* be my favorite toe?

  1104. My boyfriend and I loved listening to your book last year during our trip to Seattle and Vancouver. I’m glad he was the one driving as there were several times I was laughing so uncontrollably, I would’ve probably driven off the road! Congratulations on all of your success. I am really looking forward to your next book. I would love to win an autographed copy of your book. Thanks for the chance to win!

  1105. Jenny – just want to Thank You for giving me hope!! Your blog & book help me thru my worst days. I’m one of the lucky “tribe” that had a chance to meet you at your book signing in Seattle, WA (not the Costco one – lol). Me & some other gals waiting in line, filled the “waiting to meet you” time by comparing medications, ailments, common interests we have with you & favorite passages from the book…We definitely were a rowdy little group in that line 🙂
    Thank You again for helping this neurotic little gal thru’ her good & bad days – especially the bad, when the “pills” don’t seem to be working for me that day… 🙂

  1107. i have one of my dad’s glass eyes in an apothecary jar at my front door. so i am currently using 1 glass eye. i should see if he has anymore so i can have a whole jar of eyeballs!

  1108. Would love an autographed copy-especially if it has a new chapter.

  1109. My favorite toe is NOT the little one (you call it a pinkie I believe) because you always kick that one on the end of the bed.
    My body parts do not have pet names… mmmmmmmmm might rectify that soon.
    Not sure that I would ever find much use for any glass eyeballs… but then again I am not a normal person… and I will never say never.
    I couldn’t fit even one dead body under my bed… uuuuuunnnnnnnnnless I chopped it up real small… then maybe two… three tops.
    Can I have a book please? I love being a part of this tribe.

  1110. I want a copy of your book! Please!!
    My favourite toe is the middle one. Because when you play “This Little Piggy Went to Market”, he’s the one who gets roast beef. Sucks to be the next one, who gets none. And yes. My toes are he’s.

  1111. My adopted Weiner dog just lost a quarter of his body weight, and would love a bedtime story about other weirdos. 🙂

    Also, I bought your book on my nook, and got the nameplate, so I would love to have a place to put it.

  1112. A few years back my husband tried to introduce me to this blog that he KNEW I’d love. I ignored his recommendation, not because I don’t value his opinions, but because I can be really lazy. A few months later a great friend introduced me to the amazing world of The Bloggess. I couldn’t wait to share with said husband the amazing blog I’d just been told about. Imagine my surprise when he stormed off yelling how I “never listen to him” and, “I told you about that blog how long ago, and BLAH BLAH BLAH.” So of course my only course of action was to REPEATEDLY mention how great your blog is and how he should really, really read it. My friend has been kind enough to do the same when talking to the husband (they’ve been friends since 3rd grade). I love it when my husband walks off muttering and gives me dark looks. Another copy of your book would be further proof that my friend and I have great taste and he should really listen to our advice.

  1113. My three year old speaks in sign. He signs what looks for all the world like Wolverine, right in front of my face, but he means Batman. Apparently, Batman fights like a bitch.

  1114. Ummmm………how many glass eyeballs does the average person need in a lifetime? It depends on whether he’s got 1 good eye or not because if not then you’d double the amount of eyeballs or maybe even triple if he winks a lot. Now, if he can throw daggers with his eyes then you’d need several pairs for that along with the normal eyes, then there’s the evil eye.

    My guess would be anywhere between 1 and 1,375, give or take a few hundred in there.

  1115. Is it written in British and not english? I have a hard time with foreign languages.

  1116. Did you know the German word for “poison” is “Gift”? I found this out my first month in Germany. I was looking for Mothballs (which they don’t sell because they’re carcinogenic…they’re worried about their health, those Germans, which doesn’t explain why they smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, and live to be 200 years old). Anyway, I was looking for mothballs to stuff into knee-highs and shove under my husband’s car, not because I wished him ill but because he was leaving his car in his work parking space whilst he borrowed a company car to drive to a class up North, and martens are quite fond of nibbling on cables. And as much as I may want to brain my husband with a frying pan some days, I really didn’t want him to die in a firey ball or wrapped around a Kafer (pine tree) because some interfering marten had had a go at his brake cables.

    Anyway, I stood in the Killing Stuff aisle of the local Obi (like a Home Depot, only angrier) on the phone with hubby. I was reading off the names of the things on the shelves, and he was typing them into Google Translate on the computer. Being the environmentally-minded people that they are, the Germans didn’t have much in the way of poisons, more like deterrents, and I was getting frustrated because if I’m trying to rid myself of a varmint, I’m not wanting it to shoo, I’m pretty much wanting it dead, so I didn’t think little flowered sachet of lavender was going to do the trick.

    And that’s when I discovered the German word “Gift”. Look it up if you don’t believe me. I vowed then and there that if a German ever offered me “Ein Gift” I would run screaming the other direction. Incidentally, the German word for mobile phone is “Handy”, they don’t know what Bisquik is, it’s illegal to wear a mask in public, and a pillow may be considered a passive weapon.

    BTW, I did find packets of chili powder to ward away the martens. It made my house smell like a restaurant.

    Did I get the book? I’d really like to win the book.

  1117. I would love a British copy of your book…it’s in another language, right? Oh, wait. Never mind about the other language part. 🙂

  1118. My dog Redford has nipples, yes *nipples*–big ones–on the sides of his *penis*. First, on his penis? And second, his other nipples are small, so I don’t know.

    Oh wait, you said “pet names of your body parts”. I misunderstood.

  1120. I don’t speak British, and I already have a copy (the real, autographed in person, American version). I can only imagine these copies were printed in a Dickensian (don’t get a chance to use that word often) sweatshop in whatever the seamy side of London is called. “Please, Ms. Lawson, may I have some more?” THINK OF THE CHILDREN, JENNY!

  1121. So the sun has finally come out here in London! Apparently, this March was one of the wettest on record, a phrase always sounds smutty to my filthy brain. But now the sun is here! Although still no-one is warm because everyone insists on going out without a coat as if it’s summer, even though it’s only 15 degrees outside. So, we are dazzled but freezing. That’s London right now.

  1122. I live in Minnesota. It’s snowing. On May 1st. I need something to make me happy.

  1123. thank you for the tribe.

    i don’t have names for the parts of my body but i have been told i have “mean little teeth”.

  1124. You know, an autographed glass eyeball would be an excellent conversation piece…
    As is your book. Especially when autographed!

  1127. Today I wasted $70 at Home Depot on gardening supplies so that I may grow strawberries, carrots and peas. In containers, not in the ground. I get home and realized I have no containers. I have no gardening tools.

    AND I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO DO ANY OF THIS.

    ADHD FTW?

  1128. Sadly, I can fit zero bodies under my bed, because it is directly on the floor.

    Wait. . Maybe I could fit one. One very flat body.

  1129. This definitely makes up for the soft-core unicorn porn yesterday!!

  1131. I can probably fit 10ish bodies under my bed. If I stacked them really well and chopped off some legs. And…I would love a book!

  1132. So, I’ve read your book, but it was my friends copy. So, yeah, I’d love to win one of my very own! The book, not a friend. Although a friend might be nice…

  1133. I’ve tried using a credit I had on Amazon to buy this and it’s stupid and won’t let me. Please pick me!

  1134. I once smeared orange all over a Cardinal, but it was entirely his fault for barging into my office and wanting to shake my hand.

  1135. I had a roommate in college with a cat that I swear was the spawn of satan. It forever ruined me. While I no longer like cats, I can appreciate your cat humor. Please don’t let that deter you from giving me a book!

  1136. I estimate that I could stuff 4 or 5 bodies under my bed if I had someone on the other side to keep them from sliding out the other side. However, they would all be very dusty as I see no point to trying to vacuum an area that no one ever sees.

  1137. If I win, it will be more exciting than when Chewbacca smacked my ass at a toy convention. Seriously, I was hugging Peter Mayhew and he slapped my ass with his giant, wookiee hand.

  1138. Yay! I would love this book. I really want to read the new chapter

  1140. I loved this book and had my daughter(13) read it as well. She loved this book too.

  1141. I’m not sure, but I think I could probably find use for more than a dozen vintage glass cow eyeballs. Even if I couldn’t, I’d still love to be entered for a chance to win a copy of your book (to be read in a British accent, natch.)

  1142. My great grandpa lived in the foothills of the Appalachians in rural Kentucky. At some point his pinky finger began curling in toward his palm and he couldn’t straighten it. Considering the times and especially the location, they didn’t know how to fix it medically, so they cut his pinky off. My great grandpa wanted to be buried with “all his parts,” so he kept his pinky in a baby food jar filled with formaldehyde on his dresser in between two ceramic hand lamps. When he died, and my grandparents went to Kentucky to get his stuff, the pinky hadn’t been properly cared for and the formaldehyde had evaporated enough that the pinky was no longer well preserved. Instead of burying him with it, my grandparents brought the pinky back for all of us great grandchildren to be grossed out before throwing it away. That’s what I think of when you talk about cow eyeballs for some reason.

  1144. Well, my favorite toe is my second toe on the left foot. That’s b/c I broke it when I was younger and now it seems to have a mind of its own. When I bend all my toes down, it sort of rebels and stays up higher than all the others. I have NO IDEA why this makes me happy, but I figure my toe can do what it pleases, then so can I!

  1146. Saw an episode of Pawn Stars where they purchase an animal that was a deer butt with the face of a bobcat – it was hideous and fabulous and made me think of you! Love your blog, your book – you are fantastic!!!!!

  1149. Your blog makes my work day so much easier to cope with…and Let’s Pretend This Never Happened made my summer vacation last year way better. The paperback copy with the new chapter would totally make this year’s vacation better 🙂

  1150. ER My Gersh!!! My very own autographed copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened?!? That would be heaven on a stick! 🙂

  1151. My legs do not currently have names, but if they did they wouldn’t be very good ones. You see, i’m mad at them for being sore. Working out sucks.

  1152. Dear Jenny,
    I would like to let you know that you may or may not have ruined my relationship with my boyfriend as, after reading your book for book club last month, I became entirely obsessed with buying dead creatures on eBay and they are taking over our apartment.
    On a related note, I have become quite frustrated with eBay searching (I hope you can relate) because I want to find the absolute perfect mounted Jackalope to put over the television instead of the clock that currently resides there, but they all look effed up, like lopsided eyes and short antlers. NO. I want clean fur and an 8-pointed antler dammit. I found one that was of amiable disposition and character, but I was outbid the very last motherloving second. Her name is Jackie Onassalope and that’s her name even if I don’t own her. I hope she misses the life we could have had.
    Also again, I’ve gotten my boyfriend’s mother a taxidermied rooster for Mother’s Day because she loves that shit in her kitchen. She loves rooster prints, I mean. I don’t think she has a dead animal in her kitchen… yet. He doesn’t know, I’m sending it to her and he doesn’t read your blog so he still won’t know even after I post this.
    MUAH HA HA
    Also once more, I would love a signed copy of your glorious (read: quite funny at parts) book as I collect signed books and yours would join the ranks of Madeleine L’Engle, Nora Ephron and my grandfather (who wrote a very boring book about the railroads that I edited and was printed by a no-name publisher and sold 5 copies). This would be very prestigious for you.
    Thank you for reading if you’ve actually kept reading until this point, and thank you again for ruining my relationship. I was this close to pinning him down forever.

  1153. I would love to win an autographed book! I lent a friend my plain old unautographed one . . . the one I dropped in the bathtub while reading it. It’s never quite been the same. :/

  1154. Being a poor grad student (married to a poor grad student) I borrowed the book from the library the first time I read it. I would love to own my own copy!

  1155. I can fit about seven bodies under my bed. Five, if I stuff them full of glass cow eyes.

  1156. I think The vintage glass cow eyeballs would look great in a vase ! it’s a conversation starter or ender… A beautiul center piece 🙂

  1157. I only know one glass eyeball story: My high school chemistry/physics teacher had a glass eye. He lost it down the drain and dug up the septic to find it. I’m guessing glass eyeballs are pretty expensive.

  1158. This morning I saw Ernest Hemingway driving a Dodge Neon, and then at lunch I saw Gilligan driving a Toyota Landcruiser! At least… I’m pretty sure it was Hemingway. He had a beard.

  1159. When I was in third grade, our school had a carnival. There was a cake walk, and I was obsessed with it. It was the only thing I wanted to do all evening. I was a pretty lucky kid, and won 8 times. I kept bringing cakes and cookies and baked goods over to my family’s blanket on the field, setting them down and running off before my mother could tell me not to bring back any more cakes.

    My mom was cool enough to let me eat quite a lot of my winnings, and the rest was shared with the neighbors.

    I was never allowed to do cakewalks again, though.

  1160. I quite like the vaguely melted spaghetti font they used for the title.
    I have finished packing just about every book my husband and I own for our upcoming move on May 12+1. It came to 39 boxes. That doesn’t seem like much until I realize that I’ve only packed 25 boxes of other stuff and the total box count might actually be 50% books. And then I stop and think about how awesome it is to own that many books, because books are great.
    Especially when they use vaguely melted spaghetti fonts.

  1161. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant. 😀 (I just decided to go with full-on greed. Screw the excuses. Gimme! (Please. :))

  1162. Your Twitter request for unicorn pr0n made me realize just how much power you wield over the internet. It is awesome and should be abused!

  1163. Rawr, Jenny! I’m hoping by chance that I’m selected as one of your lucky winners. If so, the book is going to one of my adoptive soldiers in Afghanistan! (well, after I read the one new chapter, or course) 🙂

    Regardless of who wins… thanks for the giveaway, and we all look forward to your next book, chica!

  1164. So many comments I could leave…I wrote Bad Wolf in the dust in the stairwell of the building where my lab is. I don’t think anyone got the reference.

  1165. How many vintage glass cow eyeballs *couldn’t* I use? I now have a really big backyard, thanks to having paid guys to come out and cart away 4 dumptrucks worth of brambles, and I think glass cow eyes would be just the thing to make a whimsical walkway and patio. Of course, other glass eyes in a range of sizes would be necessary to make an even surface. I dissected cow eyeballs in High school, and those things were huge, it’s be like trying to walk on baseballs without other eyes to fill in the gaps.

  1166. Oh my gosh, that is awesome!! I would love to win a copy – it would add some sunshine to my snowy grey May Day.
    Much love,
    b

  1168. “The Number of Bodies I Can Fit Under My Bed”
    an essay by Dacia Hanson
    Purple.
    That is all.

  1169. I once dreamt my sister’s cat had a body that was a Jimmy Dean rolled sausage (wrapped in the plastic label) with a normal cat head, legs, and tail. I referred to him thereafter as Jimmy Dean.

  1170. I love the book and want to give a copy to everyone I know (even people I don’t like because it may make them a little more likeable) And the Dingo did it!

  1171. I already have your book in print and ebook format, so I’d give your book away if I won.I’d give it to my 85 year old Grandma. Now she’ll finally understand why I laugh hysterically whenever the following topics are mentioned: towel shopping, metal chickens, taxidermy, and Wil Wheaton.

  1172. long time lurker, happy to say I discovered you right after you brought Beyonce home. Then we got chickens, the live annoying kind (that i hate) and i named them all Beyonce to my hubby’s amusement. I have discovered my tribe too! Go Lawsbians!!! Woot

  1173. Did you know that they make glass eyes for living animals as well as people? Also, they are now fitting glass eyes with the technology to “see” via connection to the nerves in the brain. Random facts of the day!

  1174. Is it bad that the British voice in my head belongs to Charlie McDonnell? I would.love to have oe of those glass eyeballs btw. But a book will do too.

  1176. SHARK BAIT. HOO HA HA.
    I’d like an autographed copy, por favorrrrr.

  1177. I heard that there’s going to be a Downton Abbey clothing line and immediately thought of you. Don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing, actually I’m pretty sure it’s an awesome thing! Can we have a Downton party? They’re even going to be selling furniture it’s like they’re begging us to have a party and who are we to disappoint?

  1178. I can fit 4 bodies in the trunk of my car. Like cord wood, not even folded. Not that I’m bragging about it.

  1179. Well, as to how many bodies will fit under my bed, it depends on how finely you chop then and how deep you dig the hole

  1181. My favourite is the second on my right foot. Sometimes my right big toe doesn’t bend up so well and the rest of the toes are like “We’re what? Up? Is that up? I dunno! *What’s going on?!*” and the second one is all “We’re up guys! Let’s go! Up! Yeah, c’mon! – now push!” Seiously, if it wasn’t for my second right toe – the First Follower – I’d still be at the park.

    Also, is it ok that I’m from Australia? I never know if I should get the UK or US version of anything. Is it just the covers or did you have it translated?

  1182. I am absolutely dreading learning the Doctor’s name. Nothing will be good enough. 🙁 It will probably be something horribly disappointing, like Sam or David. Not to mention the fact that if they finally answer the question, where does that leave us?!

    On that note, *raises hand* PICK ME! Pick me!!

  1183. Do you have any taxidermy-ed penguins? Do they do that?

  1184. I would love an English cow glass eye; in NZ we have the US version and the OCD Grammar freak (won’t say Nazi) struggles with the lack of u’s and the er/re thing :0). By the way, even if I don’t get my glass eye, you’re still my hero. My husband worries about me (and to be honest, a little about you), but it’s okay, I’ve explained to him that everybody needs a homicidal monkey in their life and he is only jealous because my dad didn’t throw a live bobcat at him …

  1185. My wife used to work with a guy that had glass eyes. He used to take them out occasionally because he said they got uncomfortable. (Who’s to argue?) You could tell when he didn’t have them when he was in the can because there would be fresh pockmarks in the toilet seat when he was trying to drown his cigarette butts but missed. Once someone noticed he left his eyes in the bathroom counter (maybe he was washing and air-drying them) and you know you can’t just tell him to go back and *feel* around for them. You HAVE to collect and return them when that happens.

  1186. I was reading “The Joy of x” (which has nothing to do with sex but has to do with math unfortunately). Anyway, one of the chapters has to do with the variable e which can be used to calculate the optimal number of people to date before getting married. So I wonder if the optimal number of glass eyes to use in your lifetime has anything to do with e.

  1187. Not bodies under the bed as much as ex husbands buried in a trunk…ug, now who’s said to much…
    I’d love a copy of your insightful and occasionally useless yet very entertaining ramblings to occupy my per-sleepy time read while exploring Europe. Thanks and keep up the unusual yet great writing! Your an inspiration to us all….yikes but yes!

  1188. I don’t need a free copy of Lets Pretend… I have two already. One to loan out and one to keep in my library but I do have to share a cow eyeball related story.

    For some reason I had a box of cow teeth. They are big and gnarly looking. I also had a dentist with a slightly twisted humor combined with a genuine belief that I was a normal person….. During one visit I was very serious with the dentist and told him that he and his staff was so wonderful that I wanted to gift him with one of my baby teeth that I had saved since I was a tot. I gently took his hand in mine and, with a little squeeze, laid a big frigging cow tooth in his palm. Bricks were shat, whoops and hollers were heard, women fainted, children cried, dogs barked…. it was glorious.

  1189. It’s snowing in Minnesota so I really should get a book. It would make the snowing suck less bad.

  1190. I have to admit, I’m a latecomer to the tribe. I had heard about this blog before, but only recently found its utterly delightful content. Now I have plenty of archives to read and giggle at! 🙂

  1191. Commenting because, duh, who WOULDN’T want a gigantic vintage glass eyeball. Wait – I mean, UK version of let’s pretend this never happened. 😉

  1192. The baby in stomach has a foot jammed underneath my rib cage..it’s awful.

  1193. I am most interested to see what becomes of the eyeballs. This may keep me up later. oh, pick me…

  1194. We recently had someone leave the law department to go into HR. We made her read the HR chapters of your book before she left. I can report that she started practicing saying “is this your penis” with a straight face so she’d be ready for what awaits her on the other side. And the learning continues…

  1195. I came home to a cat covered in mustard and three sheets of toilet paper stuck to his ass. My brain totally hurts right now, but may the best person win! xxxooo

  1196. Like you, I’ve recently moved. Only difference is that I don’t have any posed taxidermized animals to decorate my new place…I would generously accept a donation from your collection. More likely, I hope I can win a copy of the book so that I have a placeholder whenever I am lucky enough to find a Juanita Weasel of my own to love.

  1198. Your blog makes me pee my pants laughing….can’t wait to read the book!

  1199. Well of course the answer is 42 (eyeballs and bodies). Also, key body parts are named: Lefty, Righty, Dr. Womb, Ood 1 – 10, and Sexy. You can guess which is where. Ood 7 is my favorite. I have read and love your book. I can’t wait to read the new chapter!

  1200. If we are looking for a new/different car, my family will judge a car by how many bodies we could fit into the trunk! We will open the trunk and guess how many would fit; the more it could hold, the better! Our friend , who is our car salesman, just stands there shaking his head…LOL

  1202. Probably if you were to add up all the seconds I spent thinking about your book, I would have had time to read it several times. Weird, yeah?

  1203. So I happily discovered your book when it was recommended by my local librarian, which is not a coincidence b/c I worked at the library myself. Not as a librarian, but as a Human Resources Manager. It’s not a glamorous as it sounds, really. Anyway, b/c I have no time to read, I checked out the audio book. While listening to it, I laughed so hard I cried. That was dangerous b/c I was driving most of the time I was listening. So, while I love the book and tell everyone within earshot that they MUST read it, I don’t actually own a copy of it. I have re-checked it out from my library again. I can’t get enough. I’m not cheap, I just like to utilize services my tax dollars support. Ok..I’m a little cheap.

  1204. I have my American copy but would love a British one to give to a friend!

  1205. My youngest daughter, who is now 8, has a webbed toe on each foot. It is the 2nd and 3rd toe. It’s pretty cool to look at!

  1206. I’m pretty sure I could fit at least 10 bodies under my bed but more if they were packaged properly.

  1207. Would love to take time off from torturing my students to re-read the book. ESPECIALLY since I don’t have the paperback so I don’t have the extra chapter.
    My students thank you for anything that distracts me from thinking up more homework!

  1208. my great uncle had a glass eye after he lost the real one in a wood-chopping accident. when he went to visit my dad’s family, he had the children convinced that the eye was magical. before they got home from school he would look under the couch and then when they were home he would take the glass eye out, roll it under the couch, and tell them everything that was under there. he would also leave it on the table when he left the room to make the kids behave.

  1209. I plan on buying your book anyway but it would be cool to win it. Although you probably won’t pick me since I just said I would buy it. DAMMIT!

    My mom used to have a student with a glass eye. Whenever my mom would piss her off, she would take it out and put it on her desk. Not gonna lie. It kind of made me want a glass eye.

  1210. I am currently using my iPad as my coaster. A book would be nice.

  1211. The more I read your log, the more I believe we’re kindred spirits.

  1212. I’ll trade you…an autographed copy of the book for a box of eyeballs! ( don’t know where I’ll get the eyeballs from but who cares!)

  1213. My roommate used to wonder how many bodies you could fit in the back of trucks we saw while we were driving.

  1214. My boyfriend and I have lived together for 23 years. During that time we have had 26 cats grace our lives. At present we have 13 in the house. They are our precious angels, most of the time. All rescues, from groups, SPCA or our back yard. One came from the Texaco station.

  1215. Favorite toe – pinky toe – it just seems like the most unloved of all toes.

    Pet name for body part – I have an iliostomy and so I called that Mr. Stoma, who also has it’s own blog (I don’t let him type however, because it make a mess on the keyboard)

    Glass eyeballs used – I am hoping for none. But I’ll say 3 in case I also need to replace my inner eye with a glass eye.

    Bodies able to fit under my bed – well, whole bodies don’t fit well under my bed but I could probably fit at least 3 dismembered ones.

  1216. It is 85 degrees in my office today. I need a new book to distract from life.

  1217. I’m an occupational therapist and once came in to find my patient’s prosthetic eye in backwards. You would think the nurse tech that helped her would have noticed. Not a cow eye but a “glass” eye, nonetheless.

  1218. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!!! Pick ME! I have made it a personal quest to share your book with anyone who will listen to ME!!! I even woke my kids up in the middle of the night and quasi-edited the text so I could share your story! My husband started running away from after several efforts to make him “listen to this…” (He and Victor would TOTALLY be friends!). I totally love The Doctor and if I was The Doctor I would TOTALLY pick you to go with me! PLUS I know The Doctor’s real name…Not really, I am just a big liar on that one….any way love your book, love your humor, love the fact you had/have a Tardis in your back yard and sorry to hear about the chicken! So PICK ME so I can give away the copy I have now (I’ve already given 3 away BTW!).

  1219. This sounds like a game. To play with non-Dr.Who-fans. How many glass eyeballs could you fit into the TARDIS? (a la how many jellybeans are in this glass jar game). Show them a picture of the TARDIS. Then when they say their answer (based of course on their guess of the outside dimentions of what they are seeing) be all like “NO! Don’t you even know how a TARDIS WORKS???” and give them a 3 hour lecture. And that is why I would never go to a party filled with Dr.Who fans, because moments like that would probably happen.

  1221. I just sent a link to the original Beyonce post to a co-worker. Took her 45 minutes to read it; she had to keep stopping and breathing between laughter fits!

  1222. Okay, I’m gonna be a greedy bitch. I want to win it, please!

  1224. Random childhood memory: Finding pig skeletons in a field at the edge of town. I have no idea why they were there but we decided we *needed* the teeth and proceeded to pound them out of the skulls with rocks.

    Pfft…kids these days and their iPads…they have no idea how to have a good time.

  1225. My favorite toe is the pinky toe. He’s always running back home which is where I would like to be. All the time. I hate leaving the house.

  1227. My bed is called a coffin bed, because you can lift the springs and there is a compartment underneath. I could probably fit a good 8 to 10 people if I really wanted to.

  1228. We’ve lost two cats and two dogs over the last five years. They were all cremated, but we never buried their ashes. Not wanting to display them, I put the boxes under the bed. So I technically have four bodies under my bed right now. (And room for more.)

  1230. the only thing that has been tested in fitting under my bed is our pug puppy. he is growing though so i think one day he may get stuck and then i will have to exert myself to get him out. it sounds like and unpleasantly annoying inevitability.

  1231. The best toe is the little piggy that had roast beef in that odd nursery rhyme.

    Picked up this book on a whim because I thought the cover had character. Was not disappointed.

  1233. Dead bodies under my bed? Not very many as my cat is very likely to pull them out…. He’s a sell out that way. (But seriouly, my cat and I would totally love a copy…. He has a book fetish.)

  1234. I am so very sick with strep. And I am literally use all my energy to write this. Oh I hope hope hope I win.

  1235. I am thankful every day for you and your blog, Jenny! And for your book, which I have shared with numerous people. In fact, my copy is currently on loan to a friend…I need to get another copy!

  1237. When I bought my new car, my then 15 year old daughter said, “Trunk’s a 3 body-pretty good size” in front of the salesman. LOVE that child!

  1238. The real question is, how many bodies can i stack on top of eachother and THEN put a mattress on. Because currently I can fit zero bodies underneath. But I’ve always wondered what would happen if I just stacked the bodies on top of eachother, and then put my mattress on top.

    Weekend project maybe?
    I’d love to win!!!

  1239. I don’t have a website so I’m using my work website. Does that count? I hope so I would really like your book so I can share it with my friends who are too cheap to buy their own but really need to read your book.

  1241. This is one of the funniest books I have ever read (and I read a LOT) and is very high on my all-time favorite books list. I’ve recommended it to all my friends, as we all have dysfunctional traits. 🙂 Your blog is always guaranteed to put a smile on my face (and then I read your transcribed conversations aloud to my husband when he’s brushing his teeth, to humorous effect). I find myself wanting a metal rooster, but haven’t quite gone the route of desiring taxidermied animals. Thank you so much for being such a bright light.

  1242. wow, my body parts actually do have weird pet names!! All given to me by random friends of course 🙂
    My favorite one was that my butt was nicknamed Marvin in high school. Not sure why, but hey, don’t ask questions with these things… 🙂

  1243. I like pie….chocolate with cool whip on top the best, and then hot apple pie with those crumbles on top with ice cream melting all over it….

  1244. I used to have a mother in law with two glass eyes. (She’s not dead or anything, she’s just not my mother in law anymore.) She had to replace them every few years, which might help figure out that “number of eyes in a lifetime” question. Or maybe it has more to do with her tendency to pop them and hold them in the air when someone made a comment about “keep your eye out for” in her hearing.

  1245. I have read the book on Kindle… But I’d love a hard copy! Which, let’s be real, I will eventually end up buying a copy anyway…

  1246. I don’t really have a real comment and I own the book on my kindle and it was fantastic. But, I’m so excited I’m shouting it from the rooftops – I’m pregnant with a little boy and I’m due in September and then my family is going to be complete. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  1247. My brother is a gay drag queen and told me to say that you have amazing presence among the queens in Seattle, and that you need to come here more often 🙂

  1251. Please pick me – I’m English and I love this book. My blind grandfather had two glass eyes, he would take them out at night and leave them in a glass in the bathroom. Completely freaked out my Mom first time she found them!

  1252. Yesterday I went with my best friend to have her cat put down. It was sad. I was sad. I moped around the rest of the afternoon.

  1255. I thought I could fit seven bodies under my bed. But the last one apparently wasn’t dead.

  1257. Can I tell you about the names of my pets’ body parts? Actually, no, I can’t. They don’t have names. Yet. But I do have a cat who could use two glass eyes (cat-sized, not cow-sized, please). Then perhaps we could name her eyes 🙂

  1258. Let’s see. I shall tell you how many bodies I have in my storage location. I think it’s up to about 6, a vampyress, and 1 apparition. Of course, they are all made out of PVC, masks, and old clothes.. stuffed with everything from newspaper to packing bubbles to foam. The apparition is a floating, dancing marrionette style alien ghost girl that occupies the large window our front door. The bodies (figures) get put in every available window in giant shadow boxes (or the like) every Halloween. The 7(ish) compliment our Monster in a box, graveyard, and backyard electrocution very well. Our house is a huge hit every Halloween… for the over 4 crowd anyway. :p

  1259. One of the few signed books I own is a Neil Gaiman. Yours would make a great couple with it.

  1260. I don’t hide bodies under the bed, but I do have a box of souls in my underwear drawer, skeletons in my closet, and the heart of a poet on my desk.

  1261. I have to say Thank You to you. I have totally found my tribe and reading your blog has made me more comfortable in my own skin and for me to be…. well more me around others. You’re awesome!

  1262. I would love to win a copy! I’m dying to read your book for about a year now, but it’s nowhere to be found in Belgium! So it would be great if you could send me a free copy :)!

  1263. You know, reading this made be think that actually, I’d rather *like* a big box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs. I could put them in my big glass jar on the windowsill & freak out passers by.

    I don’t think I could fit note than one body under the bed. Not without moving other stuff, and that seems like it would be suspiciously like … Housework.

  1264. I wanna win! I have the digital copy and that is problematic to get signed. 🙂

  1265. Glass cow eyeballs reminds me of a conversation with my husband regarding 3D films. A certain percentage of the populations has binocular vision deficiencies, which makes it hard to watch 3D. You can make 2D glasses (for folks who want to see a movie with their 3D loving friends) but truly monocular people (with only 1 eye) can use the regular ones since they already only see with one eye.

  1266. I love you and would seriously say you were my old dear friend if I had an autographed copy of your book — just so I could pretend you were. I realize that that is more of a deterrent to selecting me as a winner, but wtf, I had to tell you.

  1269. I used to be an administrative assistant for a gravestone monument company. In my off time between filing, answering the phone and keeping the small office clean, I cremated bodies that came in from the area funeral homes, sometimes two a day. After that job, not much else has really phased me.

    And that’s my random comment. 🙂

  1273. Love the Book! Love your blog…co-workers would think I had completely lost my mind when I’d break out laughing all alone in my office while reading.

  1274. Just found out I have a toe fungus…does that count? I would love to read your book during the next 90 days that it apparently takes to heal one of these situations.

  1275. Nothing interesting to say except that I’m desperately avoiding work right now. So pick me so I can procrastinate further!

  1276. Please oh please. I bought a copy for my sister, but I’d like one too

  1277. A joke for you:

    Me: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    You: I don’t know, how many?
    Me: Let’s go ride bikes!

  1278. My book shelf could always use another amazing book! I just ordered 4 from amazon. All Egyptian themed. I love books!

  1279. They found out today that the Jamestown colonists were cannibals. Isn’t that fascinating? Not as fascinating as a jar of glass cow eyeballs, because of the glittering and glassiness and stuff, but it’s still pretty freaking fascinating.

    Also – this weekend is Free Comic Book Day. Just thought you should know, in case you didn’t already. Hope you have a great day. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed that I win. 😀

  1280. I am reading your blog instead of pulling weeds because THE BEES WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE. I started out looking for bee repellant and eventually headed over here because I love you and you are way nicer than bees.

    (I am your BFF from Seattle who asked you to do a reading in the Costco parking lot. Just for that I think I should get a copy. 🙂 Or actually, since you already have a pic of my back on your blog, I guess we’re even . . . but I’d still like a book.)

  1281. I suggested your book for my book club’s October selection, so thus, I must win. Thank you.

  1282. I’ve never used a glass cow eye in my life, but I am sure if I had a box of them, I could think of awesome things to do with them. It would probably be a lot like when I was in college and made a valance for my dorm room with the severed heads of Farrah Fawcett dolls. And by the way, thank you for everything you write, which makes me feel a little more comfortable being a misfit every day.

  1283. I really have nothing to say except you should pick me cause Im awesome!

  1284. One time, when I bought a ham steak it’s packaging blew up like a balloon within days after purchase. To determine if said meat product was still eatable, I thought I should open it up (just a tiny bit) and take a smell. When I opened it up, meat juice blased out explosively into my eye. I spent the rest of the week worried I would get some sort of meat related illness. Can I have a signed copy of the book?! I need to know what happens in the new chapter!!!!

  1285. Poutine is the best food ever.

    Free books are also fantastic.

  1287. Not sure how many glass eyeballs I’d use, but I had a science teacher that had one in high school and I think he was a one glass eyeball man. Kinda boring really.

    thanks!

  1288. SO. i worked at an animal clinic once where we removed the eye of a dog. to make this not a sad story i should say the dog recovered well and went on to live a perfectly happy one-eyed life. if we’d HAD a box of vintage glass cow eyes, perhaps we could have worked something out for him so the other little dogs wouldn’t tease him, but really he seemed very comfortable in his own fur, and never seemed bothered by his new cycloptic nature, so i’m not sure a vintage/new/cow/any other animal glass eye would have mattered much to him. we could all stand to learn a little something from that dog.

    I digress.

    my mother also worked at this animal clinic. she enjoyed playing pranks on me, and i decided to get her back one day….
    by placing that eyeball into the container of cottage cheese she brought for a snack that day. she was so mad. but seriously? cottage cheese is gross, so really i was doing her a favor.
    the end.
    i heart UK and heart you, bloggess… so a fancy UK version of your book would be lovely.
    xo

  1289. When I was in 7th grade I typed up a fake letter from a psychiatrist that said i had spent time in a mental institution, just so the kids on my bus would stop tormenting me. My mom even signed it for me to make it more “authentic”. Thanks for making me feel like a part of something.

  1290. Me me! Pick me! Because I just graduated with my Masters degree and this would help me celebrate!

  1291. I love your blog! Unfortunately, I haven’t had a chance to read your book yet. 🙁 But it would be awesome to have a signed copy of your book. (It would be first for me to have a signed book if I won, lol)

  1292. Being British made it MUCH easier to read that in a British accent. Although, living in the South I can also think it in Southern – I’m talented like that. I’m thinking of putting it on my resume.

  1298. I’m pretty sure I could find a use for a whole box of glass eyeballs….paper weights, vase fillers, kids toys, mounted on a ring, necklace pendant, replacing the eyes on a old teddy bear and placing it in the porch to welcome visitors, a gift for the mother in law, creating an eyeball canvas the list is endless!!

  1300. I just LOVE your book- have purchased 5 to give to some of my best friends as gifts. As for glass cow eyes- this reminds me of a story. I spent many summers in Colorado where my father lived. My father worked for the forest service during the summer moving cattle around the mountains so that they could keep the grasses down. Anyway, one summer there was a mamma cow that had 2 babies- we named them Jack and Jill. She did not have enough milk so Jack was not thriving and my father and grandmother took him in. We fed him around the clock- just like a little baby only the bottle was 10 times larger! We walked him, slept with him and loved him so very much. Every summer for the next 2 years he was our pet. We could even ride him. However on the third summer, my father picked my sister and I up from the airport and we went straight home to dinner. The entree of the evening was hamburgers. As I was taking my first bite and chewing the delicious burger, I casually asked “how was Jack and did he think we could still ride him”. Well my father- who has no tact what so ever- says “oh Jack, well you are eating him”. I immediately barfed all over the table. I spent the rest of the summer suddenly a vegetarian!

  1301. I’m sorry I missed your Kansas city appearance. I had tickets ready to go, but we both went down with sinus problems that day.

  1302. As a self appointed executive honorary member of Unicorn Success Club, I would love your delicious tribute of book to my semievil regime! Onwards! To adventure!-

  1303. Vintage glass cow eyeballs? I’m thinking for taxidermy? I can’t think that the other cows would give a monocular cow ( a one eyed cow) the stink eye for not having two. I’m a people eye doc not a veteranarian ophthalmologist. Yes there are doggie & kitty ophthalmologists. I would love to have a copy of your book, I just have the audio one so I’m missing a plethora of taxidermy pics! Would love to see some of your animal chimeras. Thanks– ps real cow eyes are really cool to dissect for school kids????

  1304. In the UK version do they edit out Texas locations and go with places like Titty Ho, Swan Bottom, and Old Wives Lees?

  1306. I once stole a jar of cow eyeballs from my science teacher. I hid them in an air vent in my school.

  1310. It is May 1 and it is snowing outside. Everyone I know says that they are feeling “stabby” except for my cats, who are just feeling unusually sleepy. Instead of working, I am reading your blog, not because I am feeling stabby but because I am hoping I might get covered in some awesomesauce. If I were to win, that would be amazeballs and it would make up for the snow-in-May thing.

  1311. I LOVE your book. So does my husband. He finally read it after hearing me laughing while I was reading it. You are awesomely funny!

  1313. I’m going to the UK next week so the UK version would be perfect. Also I love your book. And I only have the kindle version and the real book would be so so much better.

  1315. Save me from the unending stream of 9th grade homework that is my life. I need a grown up book!

  1316. After careful calculation and putting some deep thought into this, I’m fairly certain that the number of glass eyeballs a person uses in a lifetime is directly proportionate to the number of times Victor asks you in a year “What are you thinking?” shakes his head in bewilderment and walks away. 🙂

  1317. You have a bit more than a tribe here. I can’t fit under my own bed, so I haven’t counted. I’m pretty sure I could fit four skinny people, if they are shorter than 6ft. About glass cows eyes, I’ve never had a need until now. I’m getting ready for an art show and watching Dr Who, and now I want glass cows eyes. Something must be done.

  1318. My favorite toes are the two small ones on my left foot. They have been broken numerous times doing stupid shit I shouldn’t have been doing, and one was almost torn off at one point. I’ve named them “Bad Ass” and “Super Ninja”. Because most of the injuries were from me being a bad-ass while acting like a ninja.

  1319. I like how the title looks like it is growing tentacles that will strangle you in your sleep. And your spouse would totally be blamed because who would suspect a book.

  1320. I have your US hard copy and the Audiobook!!! I prefer the Audiobook… It makes me LOL in my cubicle at work and I think me coworkers are getting suspicious…

  1321. You can’t possibly expect me to choose a favorite toe! And even if I could, there’s no chance I’d be naming it here for all to see and giving the other 9 toes an inferiority complex. NO SHOT.

  1322. Judging from the amount of comments you’ve already received, I say my odds of winning are pretty slim. Just the same, I NEED this book! And will have it one way or another soon (My Pretty, BWA HA ha Haaa)!

  1323. Now would the winner also get a bookmark that has a photo of Will Wheaton collating paper?

  1324. I’d love a copy of the UK version! and I’d love to have a hard copy of the book vs. just the e-book I currently have. It’s definitely shelf-worthy!

  1325. I figure this might be like winning the lottery – I don´t have a hope in hell. But here goes anyway. The new cover is interesting but I really miss the mouse. The blue and yellow are a nice color scheme but do the letters have flyaway hair? Do you really read all the comments or are they placed in a fishbowl and you pick a name? Does Victor get to pick ? By the way, I think you need to do a follow up on the iron cock? Is the leg repaired? I have sent you several rooster pictures. The last one was in front of a Mexican Restaurant called El Beso(The Kiss) – this does not make sense to me but the food is very good. Well, take care; I hope you are enjoying your new home.
    Brenda

  1326. Okay so here is my glass eyeball story!!! True…True. I’m 55 this year and when I was in high school we still enjoyed movies in black and white. On Saturday night, it was always “Fright Night” on TV and I was spending the night with a friend. We were watching Fright Night…especially eerie in black and white (miss that so) and it was at the climactic moment when you scream…don’t do it. Something popped into my lap and I’m screaming as hard as I can because it is an eyeball!!!! True Story…once again, I cannot state this enough. My friend’s father had a glass eye….he thought it would be funny to throw it into my lap. Of course, I peed my pants right there in their living room. Ahhhhh the memories!!! I would love to win your book….I think you are amazing!!!

  1327. Hmmm…I think it would really depend on they variety of glass eyes and how often the owner changes out her glass eye. If the glass ones are all the same style, then there wouldn’t be a need for more than just one. If they are in assorted fun and different styles and colors then more would be required. You could have a different glass eye for every outfit.

    I put way too much thought into that question. I think you are rubbing off on me. Maybe even in a good way.

  1329. After the latest art project from my daughter, I personally believe that glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. Once you are exposed to it, you can never get rid of it.

  1330. I’m assuming that these will be shipping to the UK? I’ve read and reread my kindle copy so many times that its virtual pages are starting to tear and fall out, which is extremely awkward on the tube I can tell you. But I’d love to get an autographed copy for my mother in law, so that she too can know the joy of Snausages.

  1331. Sign me up for my chance to win! I shall make my acceptance speech in a British accent. And use words like shall instead of will (see I’m practicing already) to sound pretentious. (Seriously shall? Who needs that?)

  1332. I work at an ICU and I got to watch eyes be harvested for organ donation. So totally cool and creepy at the same time!

    I should add that the patient had passed away right? We don’t harvest eyes when people are still alive. Usually.

  1333. Oooh fun! My bed is too low for bodies – aside from dust mites, I suppose.

    Trying to win this for my girl friend who is in the hospital in labor today! (baby girl!) She has a ‘beyonce’ and everything in her kitchen. She’d love this, thanks for the opp!

  1335. Pick me! My boyfriend loved your book (which sat by his bed for months before he read the first chapter and texted me that he was dying of laughter), and will never admit to reading your website, but a) he graduates from vet school this weekend (!!!); b) he collects skulls, and c) he wants me to knit a sweater for the very real dog skeleton he assembled. BASICALLY he’s totally your kind of person!

  1336. Actually, I think you could use more than just a dozen glass eyeballs. I envision something out of Home Alone, with eyeballs littering the floor for some unsuspecting criminal – except way creepier, because the eyeballs would be watching you the whole time.

  1337. I love your posts; they make me laugh. I also love Copernicus the Homicidal Monkey. You have cheered up so many days for me. Thanks.

  1338. My cat has a thing for licking my chin. I think she wants me to lick her chin back but it is not happening because we don’t have that kind of relationship.

  1341. 1315 comments ALREADY??? JEEEEEEEEEZ, I don’t have a bloomin’ chance in hell.

    And my favorite toe is ALL of them, because did you know you really need each and every toe for proper balance for walking? One missing toe throws the entire operation out of whack.

  1342. Descriptors for my heavy cat: portly, Rubenesque, full-figured, Lane Bryant, Cleo-Fatra, Charles Barkley. The more she grows, the more names she gets. Oh, and I love you.

  1343. Hey Nice Lady !! I’m British (although I don’t have posh Downtown Abbey accent) and a DR WHO fan….plus, I keep telling people how darn funny your book is.
    A thousand thank yous from across the pond!!
    PS when are you visiting the UK?
    PPS Its not really a pond ,its more like an ocean.

  1344. So, how does something like deer-antler spray become a nutritional supplement anyway? I can’t imagine that someone actually looked at a deer’s antlers and said to himself, “You know what? I’m going to cut those dangerous pointy things off of that deer’s head, grind it into a powder, mix it with water and then see how it tastes. I think it might help me with this lingering pain in my knees.” I’m guessing what really happened was closer to something like some poor kid looking up at their dad and saying, “What do you mean we have to eat EVERY part of the deer?” I’m tempted to buy some to see if the side-effects include staring blankly at bright lights, but I just can’t justify the cost when there’s nothing wrong with me that it might actually fix. Which is a shame, because becoming part-deer would be a great excuse to pee on a deer hunter.

    Thanks for reading. Hope I get picked for a free copy of the book. 🙂

  1345. Would love to win a copy! (Purchased one for a friend, and then actually restrained myself for once and didn’t read it before giving it to her.)

    In other news, why are when people are bad at their jobs does it have to affect me?

  1346. I was living in NZ for a few years and noticed that most of the books had different covers than their US versions. And most of them had people on them. I’m wondering if there have been studies about how different populations are shown to purchase more books with certain covers, or if it’s a case of “I dunno, we’ve always done it that way.” I do like the UK cover of your book, however. I hope it does well there regardless.

  1347. I taught a kid once who, when upset, would take out his glass eye and throw it. Fun times.

  1348. A friend showed me a picture of some mummified squirrels he encountered while doing some electrical work. I immediately thought, “Jenny would like this.” How creepy is that to have complete strangers say something like that?
    But really, I’m pretty sure you would have liked it.

  1349. I refer to my boobs as Krakens. That way, when I take my bra off at night, I can shout, “Relese the Krakens!” and I feel instantly better.

  1350. I would love a copy, mostly because I don’t have one yet, mostly due to my extreme lack of self-centered consumerism. Help a girl out?

  1351. I already have your book, but I want to know why the UK needs a different edition. Does the picture of the mouse confuse and alarm them? Are they repulsed by elegant white font and attracted to twine-y looking yellow fonts? More likely to pick up a book if they can see a kooky American with hair in rollers?

  1352. I would love a free copy! Also – I am acquiring a full taxidermied fox in the near future, what are your thoughts on attaching a top hat and mustache?

  1353. I think I can fit 15 bodies under my bed, with appropriate Tetris maneuvering.

  1354. No room for bodies under our bed. That area is too busy hiding shoes, legos, and likely all the socks we’re missing.

  1355. A friend and I once postulated how many tiny glass bottles you would need to fit an entire body…it all depends on the size of the bottle and the body.

  1356. I could use about 5 vintage glass cow eyeballs right now. I would put one in a potted plant so when my hubby waters them he freaks out. I would mail one each to my mother and my sister, because the fruit does not fall far from the tree. Then one goes to my daughter. Under her pillow, so that when she comes home from her semester abroad, she gets a nice surprise. I keep the last one in my purse, so that when I’m in the grocery store and pull things out of my purse to find a coupon or something, I pull out the eyeball and say, “huh, so that’s where that went.”

  1357. Giant metal chickens have become so passe, it’s unfortunate. You and Beyonce started a trend.
    We live in BFE and there are 2 places within 10 minutes of us that sell at least 3 sizes of giant metal chickens. Oh, and a place that sells giant stone chickens. And life-size stone giraffes and elephants and horses and things. Maybe Beyonce needs a friend to lean on in her one-legged state.

  1358. I can’t fit any bodies under my bed unless I chop them up into pieces that fit in the drawers. Also, my favorite toe is the one after the big toe because when I scrunch my toes it doesn’t bend well and looks like I’m flipping myself off.

  1360. I can’t fit any bodies under my bed. It’s very low to the ground. I have to put stuff in those vacuum seal bags and suck out more air than seems possible and then wedge them under there, and then they inevitably stop being vacuum sealed and expand and all my stuff is stuck because it’s too big to pull back out. But if I had the new chapter of your book in the UK version (because I just have the American hardcover version that I pre-ordered way back when), I could read it out loud to myself in a (terrible) British accent and forget all about my blankets and sweaters trapped for eternity under my stupid low bed because of broken vacuum bags.

  1361. Because I’m commenter #1316 – late to the party as usual. And because when my daughter heard a snippet of your book while I was listening to it in the car, she asked me if I wrote it. I told her yes. I should probably come clean.

  1362. My mom kept my great grandmother’s glass eyeball as a memento after my great grandmother died. It lives in her hutch with the tea set.

  1363. Speaking of glass eyeballs – my son’s college roommate lost an eye to cancer when he was a baby. He has had a series of glass eyeballs because you need new ones as you grow (who knew?) He keeps the old ones in a jar in his room. When out drinking (college student), he will pop out his current eyeball to amuse and entertain drunk companions.

    Oh, and he looks a little like a panda bear.

  1364. I have nothing witty to say, but I really want an autographed copy of your book, and the UK version? How…lovely. And exotic. Yep. Exotic. Does it have extra “u”s in it?

  1365. Every time I see Nathan Fillion I imagine he’s holding a ball of twine. Just as a silent F-U to him for not being cool enough to do it himself.

  1366. I bought my original copy for my kindle. I’m dying to read the new chapter though. I’m not very creative with the funny comments so I guess I’ll leave you with …. Titty Sprinkles!!! You’re welcome! 🙂

  1367. I can fit 14 bodies under my King-sized bed (which is quite high) if I stack them properly and 8 of them are children. OR 23 adult bodies if it’s just the skin.

    I really want an autographed book, pretty please?

  1368. I ripped open my package from Amazon last spring & immediately started reading the hard cover on my mom’s deck. My mom finally popped her head out after 45 minutes or so to ask me what in the heck was I laughing so much about. I ordered the soft cover as soon as it came out and giggled/guffawed just as much when I re-read it. I would love to win an autographed copy of the UK version. You make so many of my days better.

  1369. I love this tribe. It’s a rare blog that you can enjoy the comments as much as the posts!! Would love to win a copy of the British version of your book. I’d just started reading it before bed again and had to stop when I realized it was making my cry-laugh and wasn’t really pre-sleeping material since it was keeping me awake… and also confusing the hubby who would keep shouting from the bathroom to ask if I was ok… I call my breasts Boob and Boob Also. Yea, not really sure why either…

  1370. I can easily fit 4 adult bodies under my bed…. I am pretty sure we could triple that in smaller humans… Not that we have done that, of course.

  1371. “It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly more room for wine.”
    I don’t know who said this, and really, who cares? It’s still brilliant.

  1372. I had to dissect a fish in high school, but I poked out his eyes and then swung him around on my pencil by his socket.

  1374. My 13yo has ADD, SPD, Anxiety Disorder, and 2 sleep disorders, so we totally get you. Also, I have to thank you for the way you usually treat all your quirks with humor. It’s a fabulous idea. We tried it, and it usually works really well to help my kid level herself out. And we have a metal donkey with a spring neck. His name is Clive, and he is awesome. Our garden gnome has a hand grenade and an automatic weapon. Normal is overrated. And boring.

  1375. Took the dog out at 4:30 this morning to see one of my cats walking across the deck with a still live rabbit, the dog took it away from him and proceeded to eat it. The cats got mad and took it away from the dog, pulled it up the Japanese maple and proceeded to eat it. I have a dead bunny carcass in my tree before my first cup of coffee. I’d love some glass eyeballs.

  1376. My favorite toes are my nephews. They are ridiculously odd and lovely at the same time.

  1377. My daughter had a zombie apocalypse nightmare the other day. She said she was running from the zombies with her best friend who was crying because she was afraid they’d die. My daughter says “We can’t die, we’re the main characters.” 🙂

  1378. Winning is not winning unless you win. It’s just that simple.

    But, if you can’t see eye to eye with a live cow, a glass eye is just as good.

  1380. So if you wear your wrangler cowgirl blouse with double beast pockets and pearl snap buttons through the airport scanner, TSA will have to pat your breasts down . . . This should be in RED on the washing instructions tag don’t you think??

  1381. I think a “normal” person would only use one or two glass eyeballs in their lifetime; but an INTERESTING person could easily go through an entire box. 😉

  1382. Hmmm. Not sure how many eyeballs I could use. No bodies fit under my bed since we have the box spring on the floor. I bet I could fit a couple inside the box spring if I cut the fabric.

  1383. Ooh! Ooh! Pick Me! I would LOVE an autographed copy! (and I know of a few people who would love the original hardback copy I purchased.. Share the love!)

  1384. I love Mandy’s comment about naming her boobs the Krakens and I just wanted to get a comment in so I could get in on the autographed copy of the book. I’m sure it will be worth like 50 cents in 100 years. 🙂

  1385. I would give anything for a vintage glass cow eyeball! Or, rather, I would _say_ anything to get a vintage glass cow eyeball. “Anything”

  1387. I have three copies of the book – Kindle, autographed hardback and a regular hardback. Shut up. This is not nearly as weird as my Horrific Rabbit Collection. And by “horrific” I mean adorably satanic. So, yeah.

  1389. an auto’d book would go nicely with my little desk top Beyonce photo sculpture… just sayin 😉

    Oh and I can think of quite a few things to do with glass cow eyeballs but then a lil over 30 years ago while my sister was sick we did scientific experiments on her Weeble collection to see if we could make them “fall down”.

  1390. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for your lovely blog. While I may be telling you only now as a way of kissing up in hopes of winning the book, it is a also a totally heartfelt sentiment.

  1392. My grandpa had a glass eye because his was poked out by a ski when he was younger. He had several and only the brave grandkids would pick them up.

  1394. I found a glass eyeball in the attic once when I was a kid. No one knew whose it was – the house was built by my grandparents and no one in the family knew of any one with a glass eye. It was super creepy. I’d much rather have a copy of your book. Pretty please!

  1395. I WANT ONE. Please 🙂

    One of the best days of my (blog lovin) life was when Sherry Petersik (Young House Love) shared Beyonce’s story. I (thankfully) was one who read about your Beyonce adventure, and all I can say is “Knock Knock MotherFucker — I’m home!” Oh, and I frickin love you and your blog!

  1396. I NEED an autographed copy. I gave my (un-autographed) copy to a friend who struggles with depression and was having a really bad week. She has since told me several times that It is the best book ever! It is great to see her smiling!!! Besides the laughter, it helps to know you are not alone. You are saving lives!! Oh and if you could throwing a vintage glass cow eyeball it would be the BEST thing I have ever gotten in the mail!!!

  1398. I’m thrilled that the book is doing so well for you, Jenny.

    I’m grateful that once upon a time reading Wil Wheaton’s blog brought me here thanks to the power of collating paper.

    I hope my cats don’t get any ideas from yours, though.

  1399. My 3 1/2 year old son is obsessed with snails. When my mom (whom he calls Wowie, no one knows why) watches him, he can easily spend hours in her yard looking for, collecting, arranging, watching, herding snails. Today Wowie sent him home with an old sour cream container of 10 snails. I think someone is trying to get fired from their babysitting gig.

    On the way home, my son accidentally crushed one (this happens pretty often when you are snail herder) and then proceeded to throw the body parts out of the (moving) car window. Then he dropped two of them on the floor and I had to pull over to retrieve them as he shrieked out of concern for their well-being. And then he fell asleep and dropped the (open) container of snails on the floor and I had to pull over (again) to get it and shut it before the snails creeped out. As I was moving my son from the car to his bed, his little eyes popped open and he asked WHERE ARE MY SNAILS? with the kind of gravity and urgency that only a fully asleep child can exhibit.

    And that there is my comment.

  1400. I just went to the dentist for the third day in a row, because the temporary crown they installed Monday, and then reglued Tuesday, split in half during lunch on Wednesday.

  1401. In the 6th grade, I went to school with a giant bag of real cow eyeballs for our class to dissect. and it was totally a normal day. Could be why your essays hit so close to home.

  1403. You can stash as many bodies under the bed as you want. The key is to layer them. Changing direction of each layer will give you a good foundation. Of course eventually you will need a ladder to get into t bed, but that’s only for advanced serial killing. 🙂

  1404. I have a Chinese Pug with an Italian Name (Tony) and what my neighbor describes as a Latino ass. Surely that earns me a copy.

  1405. Ok, so technically, I already have a copy, but the hard cover, and I won’t let myself buy the same book twice on purpose (at least not yet, wait til I’m rich), and I want the extra chapter–which in this version, clearly, must be read with an accent. Also, I read the first part of this post as “vintage glass crows eyeballs”, and spent far too long wondering why crows needed glass eyeballs, until I reread and saw “cows” and then it made sense. Right?

  1406. Love you! And would you mind designing a tshirt with Ativan instead of Xanax?

  1407. You inspired a 31st birthday wish list that consisted of one item: a taxidermied squirrel dressed as a cowboy. I was so excited my friend obliged and bought me Pierre La Face. Now for Christmas I’ve decided I need a mouse with a tiara to be his bride. I’ve already started making up their back story. Just thought you might like to know.

  1408. I’ve bought two copies of your book so far (one hardback, which a friend borrowed and has mysteriously never returned, and one Kindle copy) but neither has the extra chapter in it.

    Also? I am a high school math teacher and see 85 teenage students every day. Can I get a pity copy?

  1409. Did you know that you can buy glass eyes on Ebay? Human skulls too, but they have to be antique.

  1410. I’ve recently rearranged my bookshelf according to color, and I’m lacking in blue.

  1411. Already have a hardcover copy, but I can think of several people who could give it a good home if I got a signed paperback instead 🙂

  1412. I’m a lurker who LOVE LOVE LOVES you and your blog. Sometimes I laugh so hard at your posts I have tears streaming down my face and I make funny disgusting noises and can’t breathe.

  1413. I never win things, but it’s worth trying!

    Hmm, something interesting… I’m teaching myself to speak Italian and the word for toilet is “gabinetto”. It sounds a lot like cabinet. I’m hoping that doesn’t come back to bite me in the butt when I’m trying to have a conversation with a native speaker one day…

  1415. bananas.

    i am hereby entered. and i love you and the entire tribe.

    p.s. i can fit 3 bodies under my bed…maybe.

  1416. My least favourite (note the British spelling, I’m hoping that earns me brownie points…and possibly brownies) toe is the pinky on my right foot. The reason for this is that the toenail is so abnormally small that it barely looks like it’s there at all. When I paint my toenails, no matter how careful I am, I always end up painting my toe instead of just the nail. Which just looks awkward.
    I’m awkward enough without your help, pinky toe!

  1419. I definitely want an autographed book, but if there’s any way to get an autographed glass cow eyeball, sign me up for that. It would be displayed in a place of great honor unless it was creepier in person than I could have imagined, in which case it would be hidden in a box in a place of great honor.

  1422. *written with a British schoolgirl accent. Well, as close to one as I can muster, seeing as Nixon was president when this American chick was a student at The Rowan Preparatory School for Girls in Claygate, England*

    It just so happens that this past Monday I gave my sister a tin of Lyle’s Golden Syrup because it reminded me of a special dessert (which British schoolgirls, and everyone else, actually call “pudding”…but that’s neither here nor there) which was seldom offered more than once a term and was always a splendid surprise!

    Bursting with excitement, I brought the LGS home from the shop and proceeded to search The internet for the recipe (receipt, if we’re being sticklers) for this tea-time favourite (see what I did there?)

    I entered the name into the search bar and, almost immediately, was privy to all manner of links pertaining to my query! Bloody Brilliant!! There were pages and pages and PAGES of them! All precise matches, and all sharing a common theme.

    And not a single one of them had what *I* was looking for. I’m not judging, mind you, but my disappointment was, and still is, immense.

    While winning a copy of the UK edition of LPTNH would undoubtedly serve to minimize my disappointment, I’m clever enough to recognize that I’m but one of many who will be commenting here today.

    That being said, would you be a love and ask your UK publishing friends if they might peruse their cookery books to see if they might have the receipt I’m looking for?

    Treacle Dippers.

    (A simple pastry, fashioned into a relatively narrow oblong…sometimes twisted for a bit of whimsy…which one dips into treacle or “golden syrup” before eating. Rest assured, the references on Google are NOT the sweet delight of my youth.)

    Ta ever so much, Jenny!

  1424. DUDE. i wantssss one! signed book or glass eyeball. ONE OR THE OTHER.

  1425. If you need a dozen glass cow eyeballs, then it might be time to reevaluate some of your farming/herding strategies. There should never be a need for more than 7 glass eyeballs, maximum. Unless you play marbles with them. Or keep them in a jar on your kitchen windowsill. Decorative glass cow eyeballs are always acceptable.

    Also, I would really like a copy of that book.

  1426. I have recommended your book to SO SO SO many people and would love to have an autographed copy to keep for myself! Then I’d have one to reference all the time instead of wondering who I loaned it to last.

  1427. I am about to go on an all girl bike ride. Definitely wearing shorts under my sundress so my ladycobbler doesn’t show.

  1428. I’d love to win one. Even though I can’t hide any bodies under my bed and I don’t own any glass cow eyes. Although if you’re looking to hide a body and you have an iPhone you should ask Siri.

  1429. I’m not telling how many bodies will fit under my bed. Why what did you hear?

  1431. So I have been sitting here all morning trying to think of something witty and clever to write; hoping to get your attention so I can win a copy of your book. And thus far, I’ve come up with nothing.

    I was trying to think of something while I was feeding my birds… but feeding 10 parrots can sometimes be a full contact sport, especially when 1 of them is a complete asshole. And then I had to make up a special food for another one, as she almost died (the number that shall not be named) days ago, but she will only eat it as long as I hold it in a spoon for her. Uppity spoiled princess bird. So I got a little side tracked….

    But, finally the birds were fed, and the asshole was no longer yelling at me, so I resumed my attempt at thinking of something clever while I went to get breakfast. Decided breakfast took too much effort, got iced green tea, and leftover “blueberry” muffins, and came back to the computer. Forgot what I was doing, began to check emails. Finally ended up back here. Still nothing clever.

    Then it struck me. I should just tell you about my morning’s escapades. Ha Ha! Now I feel clever. Not witty, but I guess one can’t have everything. I got crazy locked in, clever is good…. witty would have been a nice bonus.

    The lizards are on my patio… looking in the door, and giving me dirty looks. Judgmental bastards.

  1432. I should have placed this comment under the Keep Calm post from the other day but I didn’t. Know I realize it was because the universe wanted to give me a chance to win JL’s autograph…

    Okay, from personal experience… Morphine ain’t always that great when you get a limb ripped off. It makes your head a little fuzzy so the bleeding stump is wee bit harder to obsess on. But that is about it … not all stars and butterflies. Not even when the nurses teach you to inject it straight into the muscle… sigh.

    I should add that it wasn’t an arm, just my right leg above the ankle, so maybe that is why the drugs were no good. Also, I have it back. As in re-attached. Not that they give it to me at the hospital as a parting gift.

  1433. Every time I watch a British movie, TV show, or listen to anyone speak in a British accent for a period of time, I quickly pick up the accent and start speaking with a British accent. It’s not intentional and usually pretty bad.

  1434. I haven’t had a chance to read your book yet… but I’ve been dying to. I’d love to win one.

  1435. I read this in the voice of Alex Kingston because in my eyes it doesn’t get any sexier or British than that!

  1437. Pretty please with eyeballs on top. I have been recruiting new followers for you left and right. My mother even has a metal chicken in her cubicle now (his name is Randolph). Soon you shall rue the world!

  1439. My dad once served us a container of yogurt and we only realized it was not yogurt when we took a spoon to it. Funny teacher serves children eyeball of a cow in a yogurt container! I’d love a signed copy of your book. It brought me much happiness to read. I understood your thinking!

  1440. I was hoping for an eyeball from a glass cow, but I would love a copy of the book instead! lol 🙂

  1441. I’m not sure random number generators can count his high, but still … Getting a signed copy of the British version of your book would be almost better than getting to stay home from work to read it.

  1442. Sadly I can’t fit any bodies under my bed at the moment, seeing as how that space is entirely taken up with out of season clothes, old shoes, and my cat. And I’m too lazy to move out of season clothes, old shoes, and my cat from under the bed, so I’ll have to find another place for the bodies. Any ideas?

  1443. If I had a dozen glass eyeballs, I would hide pairs randomly around the house to freak out my husband. Which is probably why I should probably have a copy of the book instead.

  1444. I just took 5 law school exams in 7 say days.
    I finished the last an hour ago.
    My mind is like a maze.
    It takes all that I can not get drunk enough to be a Ho
    You should give me this book
    If you don’t I will make sure ho career is off the hook.

    Bahahaahha. Seriously, 5 exams in 7 days +3 beers in one hour= poetry from a drunken law student. booooook

  1445. I’m a nurse…back in the day when the patients’ donated their eyes (after they got dead), the eye enucucleator would come in and suck the eyeballs out of them in the rooms. If it was the night shift, some of us would eat our lunchs and watch. One time, one of the nurses kept singing all the songs she could think of that had the word ‘eyes’ in it like “For Your Eyes Only” and “I Only Have Eyes For You” and “Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain” and so on. The next day at work, that co-worker put a glass eyeball in my coffee when I wasn’t looking and I damn near peed my pants when I took a sip. I had forgotten about that until you mentioned all those damn glass eyeballs…..thanks a lot.

  1447. I bought the first book. Would love to get an autographed copy. Plus, Xanax is awesome. That’s all.

  1448. I am married to a man that allows me to keep anything dead I find, am given as a gift or have caused to be dead; not caused to be dead as in “…and in a fit of anger I murdered the goats for eating my vegetation.” But more as in I hunt. I consider myself a lucky girl for that reason not because I hunt but because I can keep all the dead stuff I want. I don’t think he cares for my love of dead stuff but once while in college traveling on a crew team trip he did murder a duck on a campus on the east coast somewhere. It seems the crew team had been surviving eating only beans and decided to indulge themselves in a little campus duck. They rigged a fishing line, snagged a duck, caused a campfire to light and ate duck. We never speak of this again.

  1449. I have been writing things on bananas. My boss saw one in my desk the other day. He now thinks I am even weirder.

  1450. I was devastated when I couldn’t find my purple stripey socks while getting dressed this morning… It so completely doesn’t even matter because you can’t see my socks. Like at all – not even if I sit curled up with my feet on my desk chair at work in the way that makes people look at me like I’m a lost child – because I’m wearing long skinny jeans and hi-top Converse. But it seriously upset me anyway.

    And then I realized…. If that’s the worst part of my day? Then life is pretty damn beautiful right now.

  1451. I could probably fit 11 or so dead bodies under my bed, depending on the ages and sizes of the bodies. My cat would probably start eating them, though.

  1452. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I guess that makes me insane. I keep entering your book give-away’s and not winning. But maybe this time???????

  1454. You can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs?! First thing I would do would be to test their strength and if they were tough enough I’d learn to play marbles and make clackers and Newton’s Cradles. I see christmas tree decorations… drink chillers… Bad-ass earrings and other jewelry. I’d remove the doorbell and use them as door knockers…. slip them into candy and cookie jars…. Learn to sew and make Lovecraftian hats… I’d slip them into people’s pockets and keep a few handy with a marker so I could get them autographed if I ever ran into a celebrity (autograph books are sooooo 20th Century). Bake them in a cake!! The possibilities are potentially infinite!

  1455. My sister used to keep the extra bodies in the trunk of her car. Now she drives an SUV. I can’t bear to ask her where the bodies are now …

  1456. I don’t have anything clever to say this time. I sure could use a little pick me up though. I had to have my little dachshund Zoe put down today. She was 14 and it was time but that doesn’t break my heart any less. She was my first baby. I now have to break the news to my 9 year old daughter. Our dogs are her only siblings, this is going to crush her too. 🙁 At least I’m not trying to bury her in the yard by myself while fighting off vultures. Silver lining, right?

  1457. LOVE reading your posts — they never fail to make me smile! It’s nice to know that there is someone with as goofy a sense of humor as I have!! Keep it up! 🙂

  1458. 1386 comments as I write this!! That gives me very little chance 🙁 but I’m trying anyway for the UK version, especially as I’m a Brit in the Netherlands (did you know the Dutch got a new King yesterday???). And as far as glass eyeballs, strange body parts, things under the bed etc. are concerned, I do have a couple of Philips Oorbellen…… (Philips Earrings)….. does that count??

  1459. Hmm, so many options about what to comment about that I am now overwhelmed and wracked with indecision. STEGOSAURUS!

  1461. I think I could use maybe 12 glass cow eyeballs. I’d drill holes in my front door and stick them in the holes, looking in different directions. Ya know, to freak out the neighborhood kids…

  1462. I have a copy of your US book release. Loved it, shared it with my daughter, and fruitlessly tried to explain my maniacal laughter to my sweetly serious husband. I, too, think Hamlet Von Schnitzel should have been on the UK release, unless of course, having a well-dressed dead mouse is commonplace thing in the UK. Just sayin’…

  1463. I swear you write like the voices in my head speak. Once a squirrel looked like it was doing the mambo while looking for nuts and my husband claimed that it was, in fact, just listening for predators. I don’t see the difference, and I promise to read your whole book with an English accent.

  1465. I had a lot of trouble reading “glass cow eyeballs” in a British accent. I guess because i’ve never heard “glass cow eyeballs” spoken in a British accent. Or any accent for that matter. #Firstworldproblems

  1466. my cats are named:
    The Baroness StormHammer DeathClaw Pikachu Munchausen III, Beezus

    and

    Professor Petri von Doomenshmirtz MacFluffypants

  1467. Will you send the book with a glass eyeball?? Because I think that would be the icing on the cake 😉

  1468. This was the funniest book I’ve ever read. It’s on my Kindle, so I would love a paperback version to share with friends. You are awesome Jenny!!

  1469. Is there a glass cow eyeball line? I’ve got the hardcover of your book, but I’ve never had a glass cow eyeball. I had a real cow eyeball once, but then I had to dissect it, which isn’t exactly something you’d want to put on your mantle

  1470. I have a fat cat named Edna. I also just transplanted my strawberry plants. Today I caught Edna eating the strawberry plants. I already kill plants just fine without her help. If she doesn’t stop, she will end up as compost for the strawberry plants. Unless that much cholesterol is bad for them. Cholesterol seems to make most foods taste good–do you think it will work the same way if it’s in the dirt the plants grow in? I actually don’t really know if the cat has high cholesterol, but I do assume that if anybody ate the cat then the consumer would end up with high cholesterol. I call her Butter Butt, when I am not calling her by her real name or other nickname which is Heifer, but that one is usually reserved for the times she claws at my feet for not feeding her because she is on a diet because hello, one of her nicknames is Butter Butt for a reason.

    PS I want a book.

  1471. I would never sue you, you are way too hysterical.
    I’ve never seen a glass cow eyeball, are they like the big marbles we had as kids? I have seen those. I’m a poor church secretary in the south. Your book may just give meaning to my life……..

  1472. My friend is reading your memoir during her chemo session. Thanks for raising spirits and being awesome!

    P.S. I wish your Doctor had been a replica of No. 10, not No. 9. 🙂

  1473. A BRITISH VERSION?!? I must have it.

    And I could fit AT LEAST 3 bodies under my bed. In theory. I’ve honestly never been under my bed. So.

  1474. I recently reserved “Let’s Pretend this Never Happened” from my library. When it was ready for pickup, I was not. Thus, like so often happens in these complicated times, I found myself thinking “I should go pick that up” on the last day it was an option—15 minutes after the library closed. CURSES! But luckily, when I went in the next morning to beg and plead that possibly it was still there for me to be picked up, the librarian was very understanding and put me at the top of the list for the next available copy (cause the list has many people and makes me WAIT). I thanked her and thanked her and she replied, “You’re welcome and let’s pretend this never happened.” 🙂

    And to remain slightly on topic, when I was younger I used to love finding my grandpa’s prosthetic arm under the bed.

  1475. You need more glass cow eyeballs than you’d think. Don’t ask how I know.

  1477. My dog was on the roof today. Under the shed yesterday, but on the roof today. True story. I gave up on normal pets years ago. Now I just want to keep her from hurting herself while being her weird, wonderful self.

  1478. Happy May Day. Since you didn’t give me flowers today, a book will do nicely. 🙂

  1479. I somehow missed the day my 5th-grade class dissected a cow eyeball. I think I was away being a squirrel or something. Or that could have been the year I was a lamb with a poofy marshmallow-like head covering with ears stitched on like flaps.

  1480. What is a British accent? You must mean English of course, because Scots, Welsh and irish sound nothing like me.

  1481. Is it wrong that I want a copy for the sole purpose of awkwardly rubbing it in other people’s noses?
    “Oh yes, I have that book. In fact…{dun dun dah}…I have the UK version. This is where you’re supposed to look impressed. No? *muffled noises* What’s that? Um, yes, I suppose shoving it in your face was a bit overdramatic.”

  1482. Awesome giveaway! If your book is anything like your posts, then I can’t wait to read this book!

  1484. One time (I’m a librarian) a PR person from a German publisher gave me two ceramic cow pencil holders (four holes in the back) at a conference. She was very enamored of them and wanted to make sure I realized how great they were before I left her booth. A few weeks later, she made a follow-up call to ask me if I had any questions. I said no, and politely thanked her for the cow pencil-holders. There was a bit of silence where I thought we might have lost the connection. Then I heard, as though through clenched teeth, “Toothbrush holders.” “Pardon me?” I replied? “Zee cows!” she said, her accent getting the better of her as her ire was rising, “Zee cows are toothbrush holders, they are for toothbrushes, not for zee pencils!” I apologized, and told her I’d make sure all the graphite was cleaned out and get them to my bathroom at home ASAP, but I don’t think she was completely mollified.

  1485. I have no time to read anything other than what I have to read for Grad School. So I should win one of these so it can taunt me for the next year until I graduate and can read it. 🙂

  1487. I have seriously considered printing copies of the chapter on social anxiety and handing them out to people to explain myself. Just to prove I’m not the only one who can’t carry on normal human conversations. ALSO, I met you when you came to Austin to promote the book the first time and several people (including my actual sister) thought you and I looked like sisters in the photo, so…yay?

  1488. I am totally a member of the tribe! Please pick me to get one of your books! Thank you!

  1489. I’d love a physical copy, it’s hard to get a kindle signed. Although…

  1490. I have my last copy to my cousin because he needed it so alas, I’m without a copy now.

  1491. Would love to receive an autographed copy as I have yet to read it yet. Love reading your blog! You keep me thoroughly entertained!

  1492. Did you write this version with a proper English accent?

  1494. Would love to win a copy of your book! I haven’t been able to buy it yet.

  1495. Under my bed: Four relatively tall and skinny adults or two fat truckers if you place them on their sides, back to back, and I shove them under with my boots. But that is a LOT of work. 🙂

  1496. I feel like the number of glass cow eyeballs one needs directly relates to the number of one-eyed cows with a vanity complex that one owns. Though vintage eyeballs would limit the marketability to strictly boho cows…

  1497. Answers (in order):
    The effed up little pinky toe, cause he’s special darn it.
    “Titsy” and “Squee.” (Can’t tell you which body parts that applies to.)
    “7 eyeballs is socially appropriate.” -Emily Post.
    4 bodies if they are “standard, dead-body size.” 11 if they are “travel-sized.”

  1498. What is brown and sticky? A Stick. What is awesome and giant? Beyonce. That’s all I’ve got, but would love a signed copy!!

  1499. what kind of font is that?!?!?! “Creepy Wizard of Oz Tree Arms”, or “Giant Squid Tentacles”? I can’t find either in my version of MSWord

  1500. My favourite toe is my left middle one. It’s the only one that doesn’t line up and I appreciate its F-U spirit. (PS I’m in Canada if that matters for the draw.)

  1502. I’ve already read your book twice, but it’s getting kind of banged up. I would love another one.

  1503. I totally want a copy, but only if you autograph it with commentary that is totally inappropriate and inapplicable.

  1508. My cat Otto was reading your blog and he told me really NEEDS a copy of the book. You see he does not have his own tablet, PC or Mac and I rarely let him on the computer at all. He thinks the book is the best way to catch up on the prior blog posts in a timely manner.

    I had to type this for him because he struggles with the QWERTY keyboard. He thinks T9 would be SO much better. Cats!

  1509. Another fan, thankful that you put things down on paper (and blog) that make me laugh. Out loud. It’s not pretty. The laugh, I mean. The blog is quite nice.

  1511. So. We have a used coffin on our front porch…how’s your day going?

  1512. My right big toe, which has has an unfortunate fungal problem for years, which my younger daughter named “funky Toe” when she was about 4.

  1513. I actually NEED this. I finally got my mom to buy and read your book, because I raved so much about it and she was touched that you sent me a reply to my somewhat morose Thanksgiving email… and she just finished it. And that conversation went something like this:
    “So, was that hysterical or WHAT?”
    “ehhhh”
    “ehhhh?”
    “I just think she talked too much about vaginas.”

    Dude. In 40 years, I’ve never heard my mom say ‘vagina.’ YOU made that happen. It’s like, you bring people together.

    JUST. LIKE. VAGINAS.

    Oh, and I’m sorry my mom dissed your book. But, she’s 73 and she bought and paid for it, so -win!!

  1514. what do you call a cow with one leg?
    Lean beef

    what do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef

    What do you call a cow who tans?
    Roast beef.

    You’re welcome!

  1515. I LOVE this tribe!! Thanks for the support you’ve unknowingly given me.

  1516. I really need a new copy of your book. I keep giving mine away.

  1517. Speaking of toes…my daughter, who I love, but only like every odd day, has what we call a reverse birdie toe. Her middle toe is shorter than all the rest. It is absolutely precious and obviously gives her some sort of super power which we have yet to figure out. I’m personally hoping that she can turn water into vodka…well, once she turns 21!

  1519. I see there are 1408 comments, so, chances of winning are slim but THAT’S OK! What ever chance I’ve got, I will take. Also, If I did win after all these entries…..that would make the reward so much sweeter. I will spare you stories about my big toe and just thank you for being you and for making all our lives better for being you.
    P.S. My email address means dangling manhood. My husband created the email over 15 years ago and it was not until year 3 that I learned what the “m” stood for. My laziness over rode my embarrassment and here I am…..15 years later giving my “ball sack” email address to you, my children’s school, church for CCD, etc, etc. If this story helps me win, then my laziness has paid off and I could add that to my list of bragging rights.

  1520. Yes, please. I am originally English and so I will now be able to read the book in my native language! In my favor, I love books and cats. However, gardening probably ties with cats. Also I love Terry Pratchett more than Neil Gaiman for which I will not apologize but may contribute to my losing. Neil is great but Terry is #1. Terry Pratchett suffers from early-onset alzheimers. When someone told him that he should consider it a gift from God. He replied that he would have preferred a sweater.

    Thank you for being you and sharing you with us.

  1521. Is commenting on how much I enjoyed your book when it first came out count? I couldn’t put it down and told everyone they had to buy a copy. I would love to win a paperback so I can read the extra chapter.

  1522. Please pick me. 1) I almost never win anything so this would be like only the second raffle prize I’ve ever won in my entire life. Even though I brought my own bags to Trader Joe’s every week for five years and got a gazillion tickets for their weekly “bring your own bag” raffle, and this was before bringing your own bags was cool/required so there were only like ten of us bringing bags, I still never won that stupid raffle. How can that be? I’m 44 years old–I’m due to win a raffle. 2) I foolishly got all excited and bought the hardback and now I regret because if I’d waited, I could have had a whole extra chapter. I did pre-order the hardback, so at least I got the signed bookplate, but if I won the paperback, then I could have both the signed bookplate and the extra chapter–an embarrassment of riches.

  1523. I find that my British has improved immensely since my family became obsessed with Doctor Who. Also, I strongly believe that Siamese cats’ names should begin with the letter “P”. But only full Siamese– not blue-eyed, tabby-striped half-Siamese mixes, because that would just be taking things to far.

  1524. I could probably fit three bodies, four if they’re pygmies. My favourite toe is the one that ate roast beef because that’s the prettiest nail. I would probably use glass eyeballs as a vase filler instead of marbles, so….lots. I’d really love a copy ofyoure book.

  1525. Wow! There are a lot of people who really want a copy of your book!
    I name my cars – my first was Baby, then Grace, Kermit and now I have Baby II. My husband names his tools. He also names our garden plants. His favorite was a red pepper plant named Fred. :p

  1526. I moved out of my dorm today, and as my adviser was checking out my room to make sure that i hadn’t done damage like paint a body outline into the floor, she checked under my bed and inside my closet. When prompted what she was looking for, she replied with a snarky ” I don’t know, what AM i looking for”. Slightly offended, i quickly told her that all of my victims body where already in the dumpster outside and she should know that i would be nice enough to get rid of them for her. This is my comment.

  1528. Thanks to this book, I now have a use for lots of glass eyeballs: The most unusual Xmas wreath in the world! It inspired me to design a wreath that even my staggeringly drunken neighbors won’t want to steal: red glass bird eyes (with free nictating membranes!) for holly berries, dried baby gator feet for holly leaves, raccoon penis bones painted with stripes for candy canes, little rodent skulls with Santa hats, and so on. Now I’m trying to figure out how to cut paper wasp nests into snowflake shapes without breaking them.

  1529. I don’t have any body parts named but my hubby calls his Johnson – Charlie LOL I can fit approximately 8 small bodies and 4 full grown bodies under the bed – we tried it tonight with 2 kids and 2 adults and that is what I have come up with- but they must be dead or it would hurt to much to really really squish a live full size under there 🙂 Cow eye balls – I like the hanging them on a string and using them as a parking garage mentioned above! And toes – they are all equally fine – no favorites… thanks for the laughs!

  1531. My husband hunts, and it has caused us to have half a stuffed deer in my basement (his name is Professor Henrick Stagenoff). Whenever I go down there, I prepare to confront the Professor, you know, in case my house has gone all Jumangi. Then I think “can you imagine what the Blogess’ Jumangi house would be like”.

  1532. Holy shit, that cover is beautiful. I already have a copy, but I’m commenting because new chapter and holy shit THAT COVER.

  1533. Currently self-quarantined in my bedroom because of a head-to-toe outbreak of hives, but there is a lurking odor (like slightly rotting bananas?) which has me sniffing the air and scrunching my face in disgusted confusion as I consider possible escape. Is their a nasal equivalent of headphones? That’s what I need.

  1534. TOO far. I hate typos, especially when I can’t edit them, and they just stay there forever, staring and staring and mocking me.

  1536. Yay! I do not know how many glass eye balls a person needs. But probably 10? Different colors just to mix and match? Can’t wait to read the new chapter!

  1537. I was just having a discussion with my friend about glass eyes…but not ones belonging to cows. A friend suggested that our one-eyed musician friend should sell glass eyes with his logo on them.

  1538. So recently, I was talking with a friend of mine who works in a department store and he was telling me that he sells a shitload of Spanx for Men. I naturally responded, ‘Why the hell would men need Spanx?’ and he responded, ‘For BODY SHAPING.’ Which was reasonable, but ridiculous. Then just now, I was looking for some Spanx because I’m really concerned about thigh chafing and the Spanx website has an entire SECTION on Spanx for Men.

    All I have to say is that this whole Body Conscious Society thing has gone WAY too far. And Spanx brand spanx are crazy expensive.

  1539. Not AND – it should be OR – man I would have a really really big bed if I could fit 12 people any size under it!!! Oppps

  1540. So, not so much glass eyeballs… but still. In secondary school we had to dissect bulls eyes. Lovely. Particularly my own specimen which had been squished in travel and was not so much a ball as a… cup. But hey, it’s all in the name of science. After school we all traditionally went to the local sweetshop for penny sweets… and two of the boys, whilst picking their sweets, swapped a fizzy cola bottle for the bulls cornea.
    True story. Sadly.

  1541. Now I’m wondering if glass cow eyeballs are a thing. Because, why? Do other cows gawk at the cows with missing eyes? Is it a vanity thing? I think your next purchase should be a taxidermied cow with glass eyeballs, and you should name her Sandwich Davis Jr.

  1542. I swear I almost shit my pants watching the Dr Who episode of 2-3 weeks ago, when the Statue of Liberty was shown being one of the weeping angels. One of the scariest moments of my adult life.
    And I thought it had all stopped when I almost shit my pants watching Twilight Zone when I was 6. But no! Feeling is still there haunting me!

  1543. My dog has developed a taste for cat poop. It is sorta gross. Every time we see her head towards the cat’s litter box we say she is headed to the “snack bar…”

  1544. I believe I have a finger nerve numbness injury from playing iphone games. I think reading on my commute might be the new thing to do. Winning things is a good thing as well.

  1545. Looking up useful phrases in Dutch to use while posted in Belgium, because the idea of speaking French to French speakers scares the bejebus out of me (they’re mean!) – found out that the Dutch word for “sorry” is “sorry”. I need your book to distract me from this foreign language madness…

  1547. I have a freckle on my face I named Terrence Trent D Apostrophe.

  1549. I have a former client who is in his 20’s and he’s on his first glass eye. Who knows how many he’ll have in his lifetime. I’m sure they don’t last forever.

  1550. I had to dissect a cow eyeball once and I threw up on my lab partner.

  1551. It’s like those annual photo packs you order of your child’s school picture. Once you’ve passed them around to family there are always some pictures left over but you can’t bare to get rid of them. So the spares sit in the drawer for years.

  1552. I already have a copy of LPTNH, but I’d love a signed one, as you are my hero and nothing has ever made me laugh so hard 🙂

  1553. We just moved & I need a laugh so bad because I have no idea where anything is within ALL THESE BOXES! Thanks! Lelain

  1556. When my dad was in vet school, he and some friends put an actual cow eyeball in a professor’s drink 🙂

  1557. You had me at “Today I got a box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs.” My logical side wants to interpret this as a box of vintage glass eyeballs for cows (only with you would this be the logical interpretation – thank you!). My other side, the one that’s illogical, stubborn, and only slightly contentious (lies. All of my sides are stubborn and slightly contentious.) wants to interpret it as a box of vintage glass eyeballs shaped like cows. Which, actually, wouldn’t be a half-bad idea. Since the “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy was obviously historically factual, I can only assume that since wooden eyeballs have issues staying put, glass eyeballs would be even more troublesome. Unless they’re shaped like cows. Problems solved.

    Also, I hear through the twitterverse that President Obama is following you now? About time! 😉 I like to imagine this means that at some point a G-(Wo)Man is going to be assigned to scroll through these comments, noting who hides how many bodies where. All 1200+100 so far (comments, not bodies). If they weren’t before, I’m betting they’ll be a part of the tribe after.

  1558. I would write something witty in order to win a copy of your book but I just woke up and I’m too tired. I can barely see what I’m typing.

  1559. I have a hedgehog named Pyg. He loves turkey more than life itself.

  1560. The reason it’s on the best seller list, STILL, is because it’s hilarious! And I had never heard of your blog until I stumbled across the book! Thank you.

  1561. Being that I married a man who’s mother is British, that makes me British too…right? So I totally need a UK copy of your book. Totally. This makes perfect sense and you know it!!

  1562. I had the return the copy I read to the owner, dang. So I would love to have my own, so I can read again about important turkey documents.

  1564. A year ago I read a well-worn advance copy on a train. Luckily I wasn’t in the quiet car, because I was laughing loudly and often. Trying to get my hands on this elusive “new chapter”.

  1565. I’d love to win a copy! And since you said the comment can be about whatever I want, let me share with you what my life has been revolving around lately: Hell at Heathridge. It’s a student film I’m working on this summer and it’s completely taken over my life. It’s creepy and awesome, and the teaser trailer we put together freaked me out. Check out the link to watch the teaser trailer and find out more info (and donate to the project, if you want).
    http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/92739116/hell-at-heathridge-a-feature-length-psychological

  1566. If I win this book version, do I have to read it in a Brittish accent? Please?

  1568. Another fan here, I love reading your blog and finding other people that appreciate random funny. There needs to be more of us out there. Gotta go, someone knock knocking at the motherfuckin’ door.

  1569. Ugh! *of your book. My damn phone keeps auto correcting badly.k

  1570. I had to scroll past 1400+ comments to et to the very bottom of the page where the comment box is, so I think I worked very hard for this chance to win a copy of your book that I’m sure will want to have tea with me and send me secret signals from the passenger seat to drive on the left and ‘mind the gap’. Your American version already sends me signals to shoot and stuff small animals and curse uncontrollably. I ignore those signals because I don’t like guns and I work at a school, but I might listen to a new book that offers me tea. Or coffee. But that’s not very British so it’ll probably offer tea.

  1571. I work in a law office, and all of our interns are out this week taking final exams. So I took this opportunity to change my intern’s desktop wallpaper to one of the awesome unicorn-making-out-with-woman pictures from your last post. I was sure to give appropriate credit in the bottom corner, but I am now anxiously awaiting his return to work. So thanks for that!

  1572. So are you saying that you really didn’t receive any vintage glass cow eyeballs? Bummer.

  1573. Ugh! *of your book. My damn phone keeps auto correcting badly.

  1574. HOLY [vintage glass] COW [eyeball] there are a lot of comments…

  1575. I have a dog named PJ. He’s almost as bad ass as Ferris… almost. (Don’t tell him I said that. He thinks he’s hot stuff!)

  1576. Freaking loved it. I laughed so hard on a couple chapters that I had an asthma attack! Totally totally worth it!

  1577. The cover script looks like something out of Harry Potter. Except that your book probably doesn’t have any magic in it. Unless unicorns are still alive. Which they might be. So. I dunno.

  1578. I love u. U make weird and crazy seem cool. And I love Wil Wheaton. And, I have a secret twine hoard. Which isn’t weird or crazy. It’s my just-in-case, emergency twine. So, really, I’m practical. And prepared. Like a boy scout. Except I’m a girl. But, I digress…

  1579. Thank you for the chance to win your book! I listened to cd version and loved it. You should host SNL by the way, you will be hilarious.

  1580. I bought the hardcover so I would love the paperback to read the bonus chapter.

  1581. I NEVER leave comments. But I really want this. Pretty please?

  1582. I can’t really fit bodies under my bed, besides, why would I want to? They’d just stink up the place, but I have this sweet old-man-mobster car that can, like, totally fit 4 bodies, easy.

  1583. My boobs are Rita and Lucy (my hubby is a Beatles fan). That’s not something I share regularly. . . .

  1587. I feel like I could live a very long time with only one or two glass eyeballs.

  1588. I read it on my Kindle already, but would love to have paper copy. Can’t wait for your second book! Thanks for making me laugh xox

  1590. I don’t want the book, but I’d like an eyeball. Who am I kidding, I’d like the book, too. 🙂

  1591. Maybe my procrastination will pay off! I’ve had your book on my Amazon wishlist for months!

  1592. I returned from a trip to Georgia with a weird itchy rash that is only attacking my legs (below the knees) and my arms (below the elbows). I need something entertaining to read while I’m not allowed to interact with real society.

  1593. I think your blog is great & would LUV to read your book!!! 🙂
    Thanks for the opportunity to win a copy!!! 😉
    Wooooo ~ Hooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

  1594. I am receiving the “I found Jesus…. in the kitchen ” t-shirt for Mother’s Day from one of my daughters. I am so happy!!

  1598. I just realized that celebrating my birthday isn’t just that, it’s being happy to be a year older and hope that I’m closer to an age where people won’t mistake me for a student and stop ignoring me. Seems like when I’m a senior I might get friends like I was suppose to while younger.

  1599. I prefer UK versions of books to their American counterparts because cookies being called biscuits and chips being called crisps makes me giggle.

  1600. I remember when I was in 5th grade, one of the girls in my class proudly brought a plastic bread bag full of cow eyeballs to school so we could dissect them. She discussed with great glee how she had to scoop the eyes out herself. (Her father was a butcher.) I recall one of them spurting and several of the girls getting sick, whilst others of us went “oooh!”.

    Tangentially related, when I once again dissected cow eyes in 7th grade, ours was the class that caused the rule of “you must turn in your lens” to be implemented. Why? They looked just like butterscotch candies, and that was apparently only funny the one time. Wimps.

  1601. Oh gosh, I feel almost embarrassed that I haven’t purchased one of these yet. Geez louise.

  1602. I’d love one too! The book, not the glass eyeball. I’m good there. 🙂

  1603. My 16 year old daughter, Emiko, was struck by a car as she crossed the street with the dog at 6:15 Friday P.M. If you send us a copy, I will give mine to her. (To be fair, I already bought the first edition in the US; her big sister has it now!) The dog was struck too. Each has a broken left leg. Each will recover. The dog doesn’t get a book.

  1604. I don’t have a favorite toe, but when I was a kid I used to think my left foot was bad and a criminal. I’d always put my sock and shoe on my right foot first and tell my left foot off for being bad. I’ve no idea where that came from but sometimes I still find myself putting the better sock on my right foot!

  1605. Found your book quite by accident and I fucking love it! I also love that you say fuck a lot – it’s probably my favorite word, and I hardly ever get to use it cause I work in customer service, and apparently saying fuck to customers is frowned upon (who knew?). So thank you, for being funny, and sarcastic and saying fuck. Totally made my day – which could indicate that I need to get out more, but I’ll neither confirm nor deny that statement.

  1606. Just realizing that I’ve never picked a favorite toe. This both saddens and amazes me that I failed to ever make that distinction. (Pleasepleaseplease pick me!)

  1607. My cat would like to enter the contest:
    ijdeipqiejpwkmsmelkjmio;inlkoinlkmlojoijhonk

  1608. Will there be a chance to win a vintage glass cow eyeball in the near future? The book is awesome, but come on now. Vintage. Glass. Cow. Eyeball.

  1609. I think the average person uses three glass eyeballs in a lifetime, but that’s an average: some people, like funeral directors and carnival jugglers, use a lot more, and others, like pickle tasters and llama wranglers, use a lot less. There is no such thing as a normal person.

    The reason I need to win: I already have your book, but I can’t lend it to other people, or even let them near it – in fact, other people are not allowed in my house. But if I had a signed copy, I could lend out the unsigned copy, and your fame would spread throughout the… English-speaking population of southwest Germany.

  1610. Alas no bodies can fit under my bed. I can get quite a few on the boat in the garage though!

  1613. I’d love a copy so when I finally snap, people can go through my belongings, find your book and say “Oh. This explains a lot. ” Also, “She always was quiet. We had no idea she would head out into the countryside and proposition unicorns.”

  1614. How many glass eyeballs does a normal person use in a lifetime? Well, I only have my grandpa to judge by, but I’d say 1. He did leave it to me, though, so does that make it only 1/2?

  1616. My husband reads at night before he goes to sleep When he read your book he kept me awake, laughing and reading out loud the sections that he particularly liked, which was pretty much the entire book. I would love to give him an autographed copy for his birthday in June.

  1617. I think I could fit three adult bodies underneath my bed, and I could possibly fit 6 midgets.

    I would love to win a copy!

  1618. I want a book! I would read it with my pet balloon pig, Cornelius. Yes, you read that right he’s a BALLOON, but still a part of the family. This one time, the window was open and the wind picked up and Cornelius flew across the room! It was quite amazing. SO in conclusion: I have a flying pig. Point. Made.

  1619. I almost bought you a taxidermied lab rat I saw at a thrift store, but I didn’t because (a) I figure you already have one, and (b) it was $275. Sorry.

  1620. Big (left). Although I read somewhere that little is more important for balance. Not convinced.

    For some reason which I am not going to even try to remember, ‘Chuckles’.

    0.002

    5 (but you have to take the shoes and roller skates and ice skates and ball pool balls out from under there first.

  1621. I have a complete love affair with British editions of books… I think I need this. 🙂

  1622. It’s my birthday! You should totally send me a book, cause I always need MORE books.

    Um, also, I can bend my thumbs backwards. Like, a full 180 degrees, but sometimes they get stuck.

  1623. I thought I should share with you the story of my dog’s last visit to the vet. The vet and I got on the topic of middle names for our pets, and then the all-important nicknames for pets. I’m sure you’re not a loving pet owner if your pet does not have several crazy nicknames (“Riley Jane Puffinstuff” and “Noodle doodle head”). Then the vet said you’re only really crazy if you have songs for your pets. Well, of course my Riley Jane has songs! Jeesh. If I could sing, I would do so for you. But I can’t, so I won’t. But oh, the songs she has!

  1624. I’ve never seen a cow glass eyeball, but my cousin who was my age had a glass eye. Her brother, who was 2 years older than us, put it out with a belt buckle he was swinging. That’s when moms started saying, “You could put your eye out with that.” One time her eye fell out in the movie theater and rocked down the floor under the seats. The owner had to bring up the house lights so she could find her eyeball. I think that must have been terribly humiliating. Or maybe I’m projecting how I would have felt.

    And I would love a copy of the book that has the new chapter. Thank you in advance!

  1626. So, I had this dream wherein Dany Targaryen and Amy Pond were the same person (the same, completely AWESOME person) and she was running for president, but she couldn’t spend very much time on the campaign trail because she kept having to deal with alien issues (alien aliens, not human aliens) and not all of them could be solved with dragons, surprisingly. Also, the opposition kept trying to spin the amount of cattle the dragons ate against her, even though she totally paid for it all out of pocket at double market prices.

  1627. My friend told me to buy this book, and we sat at a bus-stop reading different chapters of it. We couldn’t stop giggling at eachother, and passerby’s kept giving us the “This is a respectable neighbourhood, stop that unseemly raucus”-look, so we tried containing our excitement. Needless to say, we failed. We took turns, one roaring louder than the other, until we realized we had to stop reading, lest we soil ourselves.

    I love your book.

  1628. My favorite toe is the middle one on my left foot because it’s the only one that doesn’t seem to get into fights with door frames and table legs. The rest of my toes are mighty feisty and often bruised.

  1629. My British accent is fancy. Just like your book. Now give me one! Please 😉

  1631. So, in the Brit version, did they change things like “No shit, ya’ll” to “Sans excrement, Guv’nor”? But I digress, I have a collection of laboratory jars, filled with candy and cake sprinkles, you know, for when the unicorns drop by for a snack, and I think that glass cow eyeballs would make a significant contribution to this performance art project. I realize that you are not actually giving out cow eyeballs, but everytime I saw the book, I would visualize the eyes and know in my heart that my collection is complete. God bless us, everyone!

  1633. I have no idea how you’re going to pick winners. Still. I hope I’m one of them!

    Congrats on the new edition!

  1634. I could just keep getting your book from the library, but they’re starting to give me weird looks.

  1635. I already have the hardcover, but I NEED to read that new chapter, and my friend really NEEDS her own copy of your book. Even if she would be missing a chapter…

  1636. Thank you Jenny Lawson. I don’t have the problems you have, but my daughter does have some. You have given me a bit more understanding and hope. You are an awesome woman. Thank you.

  1637. I hate toes, but if I had to pick one, I would pick the ring finger (?) toe. Just cause.

  1639. OMG I love your book, I share it with everyone I know! And I so want to read that extra chapter!!! 😉

  1640. I collect animal skulls. Yesterday I finally boiled the two new ones I found at my grandpa’s during the break and freaked out my roommates. Freaking them out was almost more reward than my nice clean white skulls.

  1641. I have to say my favorite toe would be the pinky or the big one… I mean what are the others for anyway? Why do we even need a pinky toe? If we just had two big toes on each end then we could keep our balance and only have two toes to paint, plus there wouldn’t be that problem where some people don’t have toenails on the pinky… Although it means two giant targets for stubbing, so there’s that…

  1642. I want this so badly. I had never heard of you and stumbled across your book by accident. When reading the preview I was laughing so hard my dad thought I was choking. Then when I had to have a colonoscopy and my brother was teasing me about the before hand cleanse, i read your chapter on laxatives to him and we laughed ourselves silly. The world needs more humor and people like you!

  1643. I would love to be entered in contest for book please the cow eyes you can keep. I’ll let you know how many bodies when I finish with them.

  1644. I once tried to hide under my bed (the kids wanted something), but its a low-profile so I’d have to say the numbe of bodies I can fit under my bed is exactly zero.

  1645. Random comment: Sometimes when i look at my 4 cats, I can picture them playing jazz in a dark smokey club. Is that weird?

  1646. three. three bodies, as well as two turtles, five dried up fish, several miscellaneous wrappers, and a herring.

  1647. Jenny, your blog has gotten me through some tough times! So happy your book is doing well.

    And thanks for always delivering the awesome–even if it’s crowdsourced! Those unicorn making-out pictures had me laughing all day yesterday. <3

  1648. My least favorite body parts are my pinky toenails. They don’t grow like normal nails; the skin on the toe has folded over in such a way that the only part of the nail that grows is a spiky little thing that pokes upward and stabs me whenever I try to cut it. I have stabby nails. And it’s genetic. I’m the third successive generation, and my future kids are doomed.

    And that is way more than I ever thought I’d write about my feet on a public forum.

  1650. here in the doctors terry household, the doctor-mister and i (the doctor-in-training) have taken to watching the doctor. doctor who, you ask? yes, exactly. and since this is starting to feel a little too abbott & costello, i’d just like to add that i think glass eyes seem like a personally reasonable thing to fill a vase with and use as decor. much more interesting than wine corks or coffee beans or other things you see on pinterest. i’d put it on the mantle, right next to the magnetic articulated skull.

  1651. The HR lady at my work just asked me about my French Bulldog so now I’m going to be thinking about frenchies the rest of the day!!!! 🙂

  1652. I thought you should know that I’m trying to train my dog to catch the chipmunk that runs around our neighborhood. That way I could get him stuffed and send him to you with a fez and a bow tie on. Chipmunk Who? Doctor Munk? I’m working on it.

    Oh, and thanks for the chance to win a copy of your book, too.

  1653. Pick me! Because winning a book would be like magic, and I need magic in my life to make my Chow-Chow’s hair grow back 🙂

  1654. You showed up on my kindle so it is destiny that I need a copy of your book. Obviously, per kindle, you are just my type!!

  1655. I can’t fit any bodies under my bed cos I live in a dorm and it’s a tiny bed. Also I think my RA would disapprove.

  1656. I really need something fun to read, since it’s actually SNOWING AGAIN in Minneapolis. On May 1st. And we’re really tired of it.

  1657. Winning a free copy of your book would solidify you as my book club pick for June. Also, since this is a drinking book club, I may even be moved by your kindness and generosity to create a cocktail in your honor.

    PS I would strongly consider the possibility of placing a glass eye in the bottom of each glass just to get the party started.

  1659. I saw a bunny today and the bunny would like me to have a book. At least that is how I interpreted the look on his face when I drove past. Bunnies + book = awesome

  1660. Even though I already have your book, I can’t imagine anything better then having the British version. Except maybe if you autographed it with some /// in honor of loving Dr Who!

  1661. I drove past a store here in Austin with a big sign in their front window touting their “Organic Matresses”, and it occurred to me that a big sack woven from hemp and filled with dead pigs qualified as an organic mattress. I didn’t go inside, though, so I don’t know if they sell that model.

  1662. I feel like I need a UK copy of this book, because I sip my tea with a crooked pinky finger, and I can say “scone” in a very convincing British accent. That practically makes me from the UK.

  1663. I just figured out why my left foot is slightly bigger than my right foot…I am 47…I feel I should have known this by now.

  1664. Just read the chapter about Barnaby. Reminded me of my dearly beloved black pug Stewart “Stewie” Gilligan Barrett that was lost when another one of my dogs killed him fighting over a dead rat in our backyard. You shared some sympathy with me that will always be cherished in unimaginable ways. Thank you for being so cool.

  1665. I love that you are doing this! I never win at these things but I will give it a shot. I have read your blog off and on since you bought the big metal rooster! My daughters bought me a big metal horny toad because they couldn’t find a big metal rooster. Are you jealous of my big metal horny toad? LOL! You should be, he is awesome! They gave him the name of some old ugly porn star, whose name escapes me at the moment. 😀

  1666. My cat fits in many different size boxes. It would make me very happy to be able to pick him up and carry him around in said boxes, but he always jumps out. Little bugger is on to me.

  1668. Will this book make me smarter and/or make me talk with an English accent which is, I believe mistakenly, the same thing? Also, I backed up my car into another guy’s car this week–totally my fault and totally by accident–and, even though there was no damage at all, he yelled at me in the street for a full ten minutes while I apologised profusely and cried and OMGWHYAMITELLINGYOUANDEVERYBODYTHIS. So. Winning this book would probably make me a better driver.

  1669. I just got back from watching labour and delivery videos at the hospital. I thought you should know that. My husband thought they were “too emotional.” I indicated that maybe emotions get involved with shoving a baby out of your vagina with the pain and the hurtiness and the ouchies and also the OMG NEW PERSON IN MY LIFE!!! Also, the movies were scary.

    And I love your book. Please tell me it’s going to be OK?

  1670. I had to attend a funeral today. And it’s raining. Not a great day. But on the way home I stopped for ice cream. Because that’s what I do when I’m sad and/or it’s raining. Plus I came home and read your blog. Between it and ice cream I can make it through anything!

  1671. I’d say just about anything for an autographed copy, maybe even sell a piece of my soul, not the whole thing mind you, I might need some of it later.

  1672. Hi Jenny,

    Yours is the only blog I subscribe to, plus I bought your hardbound US version and read it cover to cover while stranded during a blizzard in an airport in France. Christmas Eve. Bailing my kid out of England before she was to be deported for overstaying her student visa. You totally got me through THAT experience. As a survivor of such a harrowing ordeal, it would be totally cool if I ‘happened’ to win an autographed copy of the UK version. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink.)

    Sue

  1673. I’ve wanted to buy your book since you first announced it. Unfortunately that requires money, which I don’t exactly have at the moment. I haven’t entered any of your other book giveaways because I didn’t think I had much chance of winning, and because I WANT to buy your book. I kind of feel like I owe you. This blog made me laugh during the worst, most painful, horrible, absolutely hellish period of my life. I spent hours reading your posts. If your blog could make me laugh when I was suicidal, I can only imagine how awesome your book is.

    So, even if by some miracle I DO win, I promise I will (eventually) buy a copy of your book anyway. I’d like to have a copy with the original cover with Hamlet Von Schnitzel on it.

    Ok, so here is my comment:
    I don’t have a favorite toe. I like them all. But I’d say my big toe, second toe (the one next to the big toe. I would call it the middle toe since it’s so long it looks like a middle finger, but then what would I call the toe next to that? Do we call the second toe the pointer toe like we do with fingers? Body part names are so confusing.), and my pinky toe are my favorites. No wait, now my ring toe (if that’s even what it’s called. Somebody needs to make a guide to toe names.) feels left out. Yep, I like all my toes equally. [Side note: This is the most I have ever written about toes. I think I may end up getting the award for longest comment on this post. Is that how you win a glass eyeball?]

    I don’t have pet names for any of my body parts.

    How many glass eyeballs I think a normal person uses in a lifetime? 42. Because that’s the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Answer_to_life_the_universe_and_everything)

    I could probably fit 4-8 bodies under my bed.

    Do I get bonus points for commenting on everything?

  1674. Well, I’d be a fool to turn down this opportunity. Comment added! Sadly, I can’t think of anything truly relevant to say, but yesterday’s unicorn kissing pictures got me wondering and I started looking through the rule 34 pony stuff. Surprisingly, I only found a couple that fit your description. Go figure. I thought the internet was more prolific than that.

  1675. My favorite toe is the second to last/littlest on my right foot. It pops the easiest.

  1676. My 10th grade Advanced World Cultures teacher had a true story about a cow’s eyeball. In soup. And it wasn’t one of the glass kind. It was an AWESOME story! (Just think…10th grade science class and 10th grade boys…’nuff said. 🙂

  1677. I am a total anglophile and enjoy reading books in British English. It just makes me happy.

  1678. I would love to win a copy of your book! I already have the US version and two cow eyeballs makes more sense than a lone one! 🙂

  1679. I have a huge bruise thanks to trying to donate blood yesterday. You try to do a good thing and you get bruised. There’s the title of a book I will write someday. In the meantime, I want to read yours! So let me win this thing!

  1680. Ack. Now I can’t stop staring at my toes to figure out which one I like best. Definitely not my left middle toe–the nail keeps falling off when I run. But which to choose? They all have such charming personalities.

  1681. Thank you for helping me see that while I may not be feeling “normal”, I am O.K.! I have the ebook, but I so want a real live book – it’s so just not the same digital!

  1682. remind’s me of the time ‘Big Dave’ and me were hogging the coffee machine in the commercial garage we worked in, in the early 80’s. we were discussing a programme that had been on the telly the previous night and I responded by saying, Yea, it was so sad it could bring a tear to a glass eye’ at which point I felt a sharp pain in my ankle as Dave accidentally on purpose kicked me.

    We had been joined by Mrs Clarke who was about 70 at the time and still working as the receptionist in truck sales she was some woman, still wearing glam make-up and short eye catching skirts. She and Dave had worked there for about ten years, me I was the new kid having only been there for two years HOW WAS I TO KNOW SHE HAD A GLASS EYE I’d only been there two years and anyway the short skirts, even although she was as old as Methusala meant I never looked above the waist, but it did explain to me why she kept hitting the kerb when turning left in her car!!!!!!!

    Am I a tit, lr what ….

  1686. I want a copy to share with my Sister in Law, she would absolutely love it. Also, how big are glass cow eyeballs?

  1687. Did they spell all the words wrong? Behavior – behaviour? What the heck!

  1688. I hope I win!

    And, are glass eyeballs included? Because that would be awesome.

  1689. I can’t think of a clever comment but I’d love to have the book!

  1690. Let’s pretend this is a half-decent comment. Because I’m too tired to think of anything else.

  1691. I bought the book, read it, then bought the audiobook, listened to it, and now I’m being greedy because I want a pretty paperback touched by The Bloggess’ hands – so I can sell it on eBay* and give Jenny the money for when Victor burns down the house trying to put Beyonce’s leg back on.

    You’re welcome.

    * And by “sell it on eBay” I mean hide it in the closet with my sexy-funtime undies so no one touches it and messes it up.

  1692. i ever comment becuase i just don’t have much to add to the conversation.

    but i read you all the time.

    every damn post.

    because you say stuff that makes my life better.

    really.

    thanks.

  1693. Woo-hoo! I’m a fairly new reader but I would LOVE to win a copy of your book. Right now zero bodies would fit under my bed because I stick empty boxes and luggage and stuff down there to keep them out of sight.

  1694. Love the cover; has a Monty Python’s Flying Circus vibe. As do you. :p

  1695. When I was a kid, my grandfather had a glass eye. He’s not alive any more, although I imagine he was buried with it, so he probably still has it.

    Anyhow, the important part of this story is that my grandpa used to fall asleep sitting up on the couch, except his glass eye never closed. I didn’t really understand that his eye was glass. He’d be sitting upright on the couch, snoring crazy loudly, with one eye completely open. I could never decide if I was creeped out by it or admired him for it.

    So yeah. Glass eyes are cool for freaking out little kids.

  1696. i want to know why there are so many random shoes laying in the road. don’t people need both shoes? who tosses a shoe out the window anyway – i dont think there are that many people goofing around. i get it that feet get hot, or that your dogs are barking, but don’t take it out on your shoes! p.s. i’d love an anglo- j.lawson book!

  1697. My pinky fingers are crooked. Enough so that if I put them together (palms toward me) they make a “Y”. It’s pretty spiffy.

  1699. I was going to write something incredibly fascinating and then realized I was hanging upside down from my couch trying to see what my cat will see when it wakes up any moment and realized that ‘fascinating’ is a far cry from my usual insanity scribblings so decided to stick with what I know.

  1700. You asked for random comments so:

    I had a friend in college who builds dinosaurs for a living. He gets real dinosaur bones from paleontologists and he makes molds of them and creates replicas. Dinosaurs are rarely found intact so a big part of his job is to create replacements for missing pieces. Since he has to create something that is realistic, he has a large library of bones, mostly in his house. He has everything from frogs to livestock and is known to pick up roadkill animals. He was almost arrested one night while chopping the head off a dead deer on the side of the road. He only uses animals that died of natural or accidental causes and wouldn’t kill something just for its bones. I’ve always thought he should make friends with a taxidermist because he doesn’t need the skins and the taxidermist doesn’t need the bones. They could pose both parts of the animal the same way and take pictures of them together.

  1702. I’d love a copy of your book, only my husband has just told me that I’m not allowed a copy as we don’t have enough rubber sheets. Maybe he’d be happier if I got a glass cow eyeball?

  1704. Hmmm… I think I can probably fit about 6-8 human bodies under my bed. If you’re giving away autographed British books, I’d like one please. And if you’ll send an autographed vintage glass cow eyeball, I’d take that too.

  1705. The average person has, near enough, one testicle and one ovary.

  1706. Just finished reading your book and LOVED it! I never knew that anyone could be as crazy as I am! I can very much identify with your childhood. Thanks for making me not feel so weird!

  1707. oops! forgot to leave my e-mail so you can notify me when I win 🙂

  1708. I am sadly lacking in glass eyeballs….and in your book! thanks for being such a day brightener!

  1709. I tried to play “foxen” on Scrabble and was denied. If “doh” has been accepted into the lexicon then so should “foxen”.

  1710. I have nothing pithy to say because I’ve been up for days working on a paper for class (first year of my MFA almost complete!) and I’m pretty sure my brain is completely fried and I’ve threatened to start writing in Cockney Rhyming Slang (and I’d have to learn Cockney Rhyming Slang) so I need this. And sleep. But mostly this.

  1711. My favourite toe is actually two toes…You know the one right beside your big toe? Something in my family’s genetics means a number of us have a funny looking curve at the top knuckle (do toes have knuckles? If so, the next knuckle sandwich I serve may have more force behind it….). If I curl that knuckle and look from the right angle, it’s like my toe doesn’t have a nail or even have a place for it. Sexy :p

  1713. last summer, I found a giant metal chicken who looked an awful lot like Beyonce at an antiques shop in PawPaw, Michigan. sadly, my husband was with me and didn’t let me buy it.

  1714. My friends figured out how to make a pile of poop in icon form on Facebook and have all made a string of comments on my page. Nothing else. Just piles of poop. Pity me. :poop:

  1715. This doesn’t align with your taxidermy interests, but your mention of bodies under the bed had me wanting to share what may be the antithesis of preserved creatures. And it’s definitely under a bed. My father’s bed, to be exact. Inside a square white box, about 3″ deep and 8″ on each side, there’s a plastic bag. Mom passed away seven years ago last month, and Dad keeps her close, albeit low. Yep, my mother’s cremains (a proper and delightfully accurate term for cremated remains) have been resting under Dad’s bed, waiting for his ashes to co-mingle with her once again. I am then tasked, assuming he predeceases me, with putting them together again, hopping on a plane to England (and hoping the powder is not mistaken for something illicit), and traveling to a small creek where they once courted in secret–and is now part of an army firing range, and doing the scattering thing. What words I will say, aside from “yikes” if the range is in business at the moment, I’m not yet certain.
    But that’s who’s under the bed and, yes, I’d love an autographed copy of your book.

  1717. With over 1500 comments my haunches of winning the book are small, but the chances of you reading the comment are probably smaller. The latter of the two is the bummer. Your blog and your tweets help me know that I am sane in my moments of near insanity, make me laugh on days when even my saint of a husband has a hard time doing so, and most importantly, let me know I am not alone. Thank you, Ms. Lawson!

  1719. I love your book! And, surprisingly, I love the serious stuff even more than the usual silly Jenny stuff. Great work!

  1720. I have your book on my Nook (hey that rhymes!) but I think a physical copy would be a welcome addition to my library. My dog disagrees, but she disapproves of any form of entertainment that doesn’t involve a tennis ball being thrown for her so don’t take it personally.

  1721. My Oma gave me your book for Christmas because she thought it was “a good one, that one.” I had put it on the Chirstmas list she asks for every year, though I never thought she would read it first. I think she needs her own copy, and the new chapter.

  1722. Jenny I would like to invite you for tea at my house if you ever find yourself in the UK. I don’t have any stuffed animals, only live ones, and there are no giant metal chickens in the neighbourhood but I do have a very wide range of tea for you to choose from.

  1723. Hi, my name is Wendy and I’m a book whore… would love to add your unique contribution to my collection!

  1724. Taxidermy forever.
    Long live Beyonce!
    People who have 1400 glass figurines are the best kind of people.

  1725. Hi Jennie: Thank you for offering to give away some books to those of us who are too cheap to buy one. I do not know why you are so good to us. We do not deserve it. I am sorry we are so lame. You, however, are spectacular!
    Your (lame) friend,
    Nancy

  1727. I think I could probably hide maybe 4 bodies under my bed. but that would depend on the state they’re in (pieces,cuddled,tetrislike) Anyhoo, id LOVE a copy of the book seeing as how i only have a pdf of it and id like something substantial i can put on a shelf and show off 🙂

  1728. Jeebus. Chances… Chances of winning. Though, I guess my haunches of winning are quite small as well.

  1729. I used to have a friend who had a glass eye. We used to joke about how “It’s all fun and games until so-and-so loses an eye..oh wait, that’s already happened”. Looking back, we must have been rather horrible friends!

  1730. If I had an abundance of glass cow eyeballs, I would keep them in a jar on my desk at work just to freak people out. They would go beautifully next to my ducked tape roses, vintage Rainbow Bright Sprite doll, and disassembled hard drive 🙂

  1731. You know how someone will occasionally string the paper clips together in a chain and when you go to grab one you get seven? And you never know who that person is? I will find them and I will end them. They are NOT in my tribe.

  1732. My 62 year old husband was asked if he was our 9 year old sons grandpa by an over nice daycare counselor. He was offended and bit the guys head off.

  1733. I would love to win a copy of this book ~ you are hilarious and always have me falling out my chair laughing!!

    As for toes ~ I have teeny tiny baby toes (according to other people ~ I think that they are just great ~ even if they can’t grow proper toenails because they are so small!!)

  1734. Reading your book when I should have been studying for my law school finals perserved my sanity (in exchange for my GPA, which is now a little sadder. Oh well). I think my sanity counts more than my ability to practice tax law. Let’s face it, I, like most, came to law school because I have no place performing simple mathematical functions. I probably should never do anyone’s taxes unless they are trying to get audited/go to prison for tax evasion.

    This was a really long-winded, confusing way to say thank you for writing this amazing book (and this blog). I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. You’re a genius.

  1735. My favorite icebreaker: Let’s say you go to prison for a long time. Five years of your time are spent in solitary confinement, though you are allowed to watch a single movie. Just one, over and over, on repeat, for five straight years. 1) What was your crime? 2) What is the movie?

  1736. I’m a nurse, and one time a patient swallowed her glass eye. I discovered this when I was changing her diaper at 5 in the morning. I took her pants off and her butthole was staring at me.

  1737. Hmmm, I think I could fit about 3 or 4 bodies under my bed but that is only if I remove the storage bins already there.

  1738. My friends and I actually had a ‘story time’ with a copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened that we found in our school library. Because we all love you and think you are wonderful. So we huddled around a table and read part of a chapter out loud while we were supposed to be looking through resource books for information on relations between Mexico and Venezuela and… somewhere else. XD Frankly, having story time with your book was far, far more interesting. THANK YOU FOR THAT! You. Are. Fantastic.

  1740. Growing up, I would squint and try and hold a marble in my eye lids and pretend I had a glass eye. I had fun switching out the different marbles to match my outfits. Yes, I was a weird kid. LOL

    I’m embarrassed to admit that I still have not bought or read your book, so I would love to win a copy!

  1741. I’ve never been much of a dead body person, but I collect homeless men under my bed, and one in my closet.

    Love your blog!

  1742. I love your book. I love your giant metal cock. But most of all I love how openly and honestly you talk about depression because it makes me feel less alone. Thank you!

  1743. The only reason i play the lottery is so that i can one day rent a HUGE bathroom and invite you and Wil Wheaton to a Cards Against Humanity game therein.

  1745. Please inscribe mine to “Max.”

    He was a diabetic cat I had to give insulin shots to twice daily when I was in college.

  1746. I’ll tell you exactly how many bodies fit under my bed: ZERO. I made the mistake of leaving room for one under there about 10 years ago, and then when there was a stranger’s (live) body under there, I got freaked out. Never again.

  1748. I wanna win!!! I loved your book when I checked it out from the library, and would love a copy of my very own. 🙂

  1749. My uncle has a glass eyeball, but never more than one. He’s had the same glass eyeball (that he pops in and out of his eye socket to scare kids) ever since he lost his eye, long before I was born, which seems extremely unsanitary now that I’m an adult. I take comfort in the fact that he’s one of those friends of your parents that they call an uncle rather than an actual blood relative.

  1750. Nicknames of body parts? My husband calls my breasts oobicles. He says they are the only thing “dangly” on a woman the can compare to testicles. He thinks I’m the crazy one. This is why I need a signed copy. I have no idea why that justifies my need but it does somehow. 🙂

  1751. I just finished your book (on audio) and wish I would have found you sooner. I just missed your book tour, would have loved to see you in SF. I would love to have a copy of your book because I kept having to go to the bookstore and see the pictures you referenced.

  1752. One of my officers got shot in the eye and has a lot of different glass eyeballs. He even has one that is the logo of his favorite basketball team. That one’s weird.

  1753. The “ring toe” on my left foot because it is bendy and hides behind the middle one. I guess I would call it Stanley if pressed to have a name for it. I do have a friend who is on his second glass eye. He is 42. I think I can fit 4 adult bodies under my bed, but maybe more if I Tetris it just right. I tried seeing how much space the cat takes when she was hiding from the storms the other day, but she isn’t that useful in my estimations unless you were thinking any body.

  1754. Pet’s names, ok. I have two cats, they are black, and about seven months old. My girls are Mischief and Mayhem.

    Anything else.. well.. ummmm…. I once ate Beyonce. (and sadly, I just realized I haven’t blogged since then… so it’s my current blog.. guess I need to get blogging!)

  1755. Somewhere over the glass cow eyeball, bluebirds fly, birds fly over the glass cow eyeball, why then oh why can eye. ——————————————(Didja see that pun coming?)
    Someday I’ll wish upon an eye and wake up eye to eye with a glass cow eye balllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. Where stuffed mice prance like lemondrops a way above metal chicken chops that’s where you’ll find myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
    Glass cow eye balllllllllllllllllllllllll, way up high.

    Um. Ok, I’m done being silly in this one moment. Back to you…

  1758. I know someone who totally needs to read this. My newly won book will be going straight to her!

  1759. My husband and I are going to a hip hop festival on Memorial Day weekend. Since Snoop Dogg is playing we’ve decided to renew our marriage vows during the show. We’ll just do it quietly in the audience but we do plan to say stuff like, “I take you to live with me in the same hizzle forever. Fo’ shizzle.”

  1760. I really love the font they use on the UK copies, and would love to have one.
    Also I found out that there are inflatable Tardis now for sale. I might have to get one for my daughter, or maybe just for me. Because really what better place is there to hide in.

  1762. Reading comments up from here. Dave wins with his glass eye story.

  1763. Here’s a true story: I hated my teacher in first grade (although now I can’t remember why). To get out of school, I would frequently complain about feeling sick. One day, I said I didn’t feel well, so my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. The principal’s secretary sat me down and stuck a thermometer in my mouth to see if I was running a fever, then walked away. I had this idea that if I only concentrated hard enough, I could make the thermometer go up and I could get sent home. So I furrowed my brow and THOUGHT REALLY HARD–and the thermometer shot out of my mouth, shattering on the floor. The secretary came running to clean up the mess, I started apologizing profusely, and the principal (a very nice, young woman with a good sense of humor) sent me home anyway.

    Basically, I was kind of a weird kid whose understanding of how the world worked was based mostly on Saturday morning cartoons.

  1764. I thought of you yesterday when I saw a crochet pattern for a little taxedermied deer butt.
    (Also would love a copy of your book!)

  1765. Reading comments up from here. Dave wins with his glass eye story.

  1766. I would love to win! You are awesome… British stuff is awesome… It’s a double win!!!

  1767. Well April was truly horrible so winning this would cheer up May.

  1770. Shoelaces, snowflakes and fat bursting blisters
    Smelly old socks and red faces with whiskers
    Raccoons in gardens and grey bathtub rings
    These are a few of my favorite things!

  1771. I’m ruminating about chupacabras, vintage trailers, cats who like to help, my favorite toes, and a flashy red ballgown.

  1772. I haven’t had a chance to read the book, but I didn’t steal my old roommate’s copy before I moved, so I think that was considerate of me, right? I’ve got a weird birthmark on my pinky toe (left foot, just in case you’re wondering), so I think that little guy’s my favorite, despite being slightly triangular in shape due to shoes. Now I’m wondering if others have little triangle toes, and if anybody who might read this is gonna check…

    Triangle Toes – that’s either a My Little Pony Pony or a lo-fi indie band. Your choice. Or maybe a pony IN a lo-fi indie band! YEAH!

  1773. I just, I really love giraffes. And I needed to tell someone. Their necks. Man.

  1775. I would lurve a signed copy of your book! I don’t know much about glass eyeballs but I do know that the stuffed fish my dad acquired is the creepiest thing ever now that it’s aging and dusty. It has teeth all the way down it’s throat and it’s rearing from the plaque like it’s going to snap your eyeball out to replace it’s fake ones.

  1776. I read everything in a British accent. Mainly cos I’m British…

    I’d love to add something demonstrating dry British humour but I’ve spent 24 hrs searching for and worrying about my 14 yr old cat who wasn’t at home when I got back yesterday. Followed by 8hrs crying when I found out she was hit by a car yesterday morning and killed. I’m too heartbroken to be witty.

    I miss my baby Brannigan 🙁

  1778. I’m having a really crappy week and would love to win this. I can’t fit any bodies under my bed because the colony of dust bunnies already there don’t play well with others.

  1780. When I was in high school, my dad bought me a muscle car from the ’70s. The first place my friends and I went to was Dairy Queen, where my friends proceeded to pile out of the car, and into the trunk. They announced to the people at the outdoor seating area that they were doing this so they could find out how many bodies would fit into the trunk “just in case.”

  1781. I would love to own a copy of your book. I don’t actually have a copy yet but I was able to hear you read it to me on audable (yay for free trials). I really just needed to tell you that you and this blog and your amazing book have given me hope and strength. Living with an increasingly growing panic disorder has been really hard especially learning my triggers and limitations. But every day I read your blog or remember that depression lies I feel a little bit better and a little less alone. I hope some day to meet you so I can tell you in person just how wonderful you are and how much you have saved me.

  1782. I can fit exactly 12 bodies under my bed but you have to kind of stomp on the last one to get it all the way under. It’s a big bed.

  1784. I have a mini Beyonce’ that was purchased from the same place you happened to get yours (according to the owner of the place, anyway). Mine sits on top of my entertainment center and every time I look at her, I think of you. And I think about the trip I was on when I got my mini B. And I think about my friend who is as amazing as you are…only she doesn’t always remember that. I already bought your book and even got her one. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to read that new chapter! Oh, yea. And. You. Rock!

  1785. I had to comment only because my husband HAS a glass eyeball. It most definitely did not come from a cow but maybe a cow can use it? We haven’t tried that. And it’s not glass. It’s some high tech unbreakable material. And it’s not round. But it’s fake. I can’t tell you how many he’s used in his lifetime. Quite a few since he’s used it since he’s had one since he was 3 and had to replace it as his head grew. And they wear out eventually too. Who knew?

  1786. Unfortunately, I cannot fit any bodies under my bed. The area is full of boxes containing books, but I could definitely use some more, or just one. 🙂

  1787. whoa. these comments! so delightful! I am not that delightful…

  1788. Vintage glass eyeballs–The eyes staring back at you from inside your wine glass.

  1789. I’m a bipolar ADHD/collector who loves to collect… books! Sadly, hubby curtailed my spending some years ago now, but your book is a “must have”!

  1791. I totally need to win this book. How else will I ever be able to read the new chapter? And how can I go on living without reading this new chapter? Thanks Jenny. This has given me a reason to live and to die all at the same time. I guess you were just born to bring balance to the force.

  1793. My father and I recently went on an unexpected road trip together. I’d been wanting to read your book and suggested he pick up the audiobook for the trip. We both really enjoyed it, but the trip ended before we got to the end and I’d love to have this book so that I can read the rest!

    Also, I once showed up to work with a baggy of deer eyeballs. There was a good reason, I swear, but I had to keep warning coworkers about them all day.

  1795. Ooooh yes please! I’d love one – I can do a sort of posh-ish English accent but I’m Australian – does that count? Are you going to do an Australian version? Changing all the women’s names to Shazza and the men’s to Darren. Will everyone wear ugg boots? I confess I dont own a pair – I feel I’m letting my country down. I recently distilled my book collection to the barest essence of those I love the most and re-read or plan to re-read often – I think your book would feel at home 🙂

  1796. I’m thinking that a pair of glass cow eyeballs affixed at the appropriate height on the bathroom mirror would give an interesting start to someone’s day.

  1797. Here are some vintage (human) glass eyes for you, which you can see at the New Orleans Pharmacy Museum. Well worth a visit if you’re ever in the area; they also have live leeches in a jar.
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/ventriloblog/9928508/
    (Not my photo, so full copyright and credit to the person who took it.)

  1799. My copy of your book has baffled many houseguests, and I need to spread the love via another copy!

  1801. I have a Pope Mouse. Also, one of my best friends bought me your book in hardback for Christmas and it was stolen and the empty envelope returned to her.

    So I still don’t own your book.

    It’s sad.

  1802. The odds are not in my favor. If I end up with an copy I think I’ll buy a lottery ticket.

  1804. I wish to be entered.
    Wow, that sounds wrong.
    I’d like to be entered into the draw for a book, please.

  1806. Having never encountered a glass cow eye, I am unable to comment on that. Although the mental image of receiving a box of one dozen glass cow eyes is now ingrained in my mind. Just had to point that out. I love your book but there are definitely things I’ll never be able to forget even if I wanted too. I’m hoping you’ll appreciate the shock value that your book can give.
    On another note: random fact that I feel like bringing up would be my love for two little semi-creepy( and with blurry features due to age) gargoyles, that an antique store owner I help out, gave to me because they were a little chipped. They are presently perched in my room. For some strange and unfathomable reason, no one shares my love for them.

  1808. One summer lived on a small island, where I shot and ate several squirrels. Naturally, I became interested in taxidermy. With no real access to resources or supplies, I did my best with an exacto and a tub of salt (and a ping-pong ball, which I discovered worked perfectly to help their little heads stay round as they dried. It also made their heads look like Batman’s cowl, which was both creepy and awesome– like a half-dozen Bat-squirrels lined up to fight varmint-crime).
    Fast forward a few months, and I am living in an apartment in Boston. My squirrels are resting atop the open doors of the apartment, white bat-eyes surveying the goings on below. They were quite content there, and I eventually forgot all about them as they blended into the background. When my lease was about to expire, a realtor came by with prospective tenants. Apparently the squirrels were more noticeable to them.

  1809. What? You’re not sending a banana with that book? Or at least fish fingers and custard? Aw gorramit, and I thought I would trade you for some twine… Some days I wonder why I even bother… Well, there is always my stuffed tiger to talk to.

  1810. Look, I’ve read the book, so I don’t really NEED one, but it would be cool to have an autographed copy of the funniest fucking book I’ve ever read.

  1811. Now I feel the need to find some glass cow eyeballs. Vintage or otherwise.

  1813. Oh girl. My husband loves cucumbers but hates pickles. I love pickles but hate cucumbers. Obviously I should win.

  1814. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your book! Read it for book club book and then started following your blog. You make me laugh!

  1815. I have odd pinky toes, they don’t have a second knuckle, and the toenail is teeny tiny, and grows straight up instead of across the toe.

  1816. The only funny thing in my life is my son’s previous guinea pig name: Mordac, Lord of Unholy Fury, But You Can Call Me Frank. Now I have Moose and Squirrel. Imagine the Russian accent!

  1817. I love you, your book, everything you’ve written on this blog and just everything 😀
    Thank you for sharing your life with everyone!

  1818. My sister actually has a glass eyeball, so a copy of your book would be stellar.

    When the UPS guy drops it off to the lucky winner, do you think you could get him to say “knock knock motherfucker”? ’cause THAT would seriously rock.

  1819. I think the number of glass eyeballs you can use is probably directly correlated to the number of bodies hidden under your bed….

  1820. Although I do love your face, I am slightly upset that Hamlet von Schnitzel is not on the cover.

    Still love this and am so excited!

  1821. Of course your book is still on the bestseller list, because it is awesome. I’m so happy for you. I have the hardback, American version but how fun would it be to also have a signed, British copy?

  1823. If I were a blueberry waffle I could read your book with strawberries.

  1824. So, reading your blog has caused more sleep loss in a family that is already suffering sleep loss. What I mean is, my husband and I have a new baby, all three of us sleep in the same room (when sleep is possible) and I’ve started reading your blog on my phone after “lights-out”. I try not to laugh aloud, which leads me to either hold it in, causing the whole bed to shake, or I suddenly let it out in explosive snorts. My husband had to ban your blog for a while. And that was without even knowing the content, which is good, or there’s a possibility you’d be permanently banned. That said, I’d like a copy of your book, please.

  1825. My daughter told a friend of hers she knew a cow that could meow. The friend tried to argue back that cows don’t meow, they moo. “no, this one meows”, “that’s impossible!” My kid was referring to our cat Keegan, who is kinda large for a 3 year old cat. Her friend has no imagination.

  1826. My husband recently questioned my flea market purchase of a box of fox noses to be used in taxidermy. I told him they make great stocking stuffers, and that you never know when else they might come in handy. I’ve already used one in my preschooler’s lunch. It went over well.

  1827. I’m pretty sure I could get 16 bodies under my bed, give or take, depending on whether the first 8 are allowed to decompose a bit? Or do you expect these bodies to be taxidermied? Cristy (shameless appeal for a book please)

  1828. This is as good as time as any to admit that I always wanted to be the first companion of the Doctor to say “It’s smaller on the outside.”

    When Clara said it, I was both overjoyed that they used my line and bummed that it wasn’t me saying it.

    But yeah, woo book giveaway! Want, please.

  1829. I’m pretty sure that my dog is actually a cat in a dogs body.

    I’m also pretty sure I need a copy of your book. But I am broke and this would be beautifully awesome. Like my cat-dog.

    <3 – pie

  1830. Well one can never have too many vintage eyeballs…I mean like what lunatic would put a number on that??? It’s like putting a number on happiness, and you cant put a number on that!! Unless of course when you are referring to happiness you’re actually talking more about the high class escort and less about the state of mind, then you can totes put a number on that, except that it might be a number that’s too high for most of us to go pay for a hooker—umm, escort…but if you figure out that happiness has a wiener and you’re totally not into that than you can totally say that you paid too much for happiness, yet you got no happiness off of happiness, but you ended up punching happiness and now you have a restraining order and a court date and charges for assault and battery and somehow your only words of defense are “she had a wiener and I totally wasn’t told about it” than you’re pretty much screwed, but only in the financial way and not in the literal way by happiness because you freaked out and punched happiness before anything could happen and yea…..you can never have too may vintage glass eyeballs 🙂 but you can have just one too many antiquatedantiquitated(antiqued[is that even a word??] like past tense of antique) mummified shrunken, cursed voodoo head! wow, that was a mouthful, just not a mouthful of happiness….;)

  1831. I teach 4th grade in NY, and one of my good friends, a 5th grade teacher, stopped me in the hall the other day and told me that she had read a book that I HAD TO READ!!!!! Yup! It was yours! I told her that I had already read it the day it had come out, and then we had a good laugh. Multiple laughs, actually! Thanks!

  1832. I moved recently (same weekend you did, Jenny!), and the new place is a little more “country” than my previous house. Last week, I woke up to find 7 spiders decorating the ceiling (I caught them and set them free outside…I expect they’ve all already come back in…they’re like Daddy Long Legs but not, so they’re not too scary, but they’re very persistent in their desire to live inside the house), 1 dead roach (I live near a river, so it’s the big, outdoors-y kind of roaches), and in the storage room just off my bedroom, 1 mostly-dead lizard. It was a tiny lizard, but I thought it was dead at first, which was horrifying enough, but then I moved the floor mat right next to it, which moved the lizard, which then barely twitched its front legs. So then I ran screaming through my house, “IT’S NOT DEAD!!!!”, which I feel was a good use of my time. I scooped it into a dust pan and threw it outside, whilst on the verge of tears.

    The point of this story? Moving sucks, lizards (even tiny, mostly dead ones) are scary, and I would like a free book please. Also some wine.

  1833. I named my sister’s feet Mr. Twindle and Friend Muskinsole. Not sure why. But I’d love a copy of the book!

  1835. Would love to win a copy…..every time I think of the “Chupacabra!” story, I almost wet myself……. 😀

  1836. My cat, Rhett Butler, loves the pics and antics of Hunter. I think he is laughing with him but sometimes he is an ass and might be laughing at him. Any who his mom would love a copy of the book.

  1841. Are glass cow eyeballs the same size as glass people eyeballs? Cause if they are I would totally wear an eye patch and keep one in my pocket with change. So that when I went to pay for something I could dig into my pocket and bring the eyeball out with the change. It would be great! People would assume it’s my glass eye and get grossed out!

  1843. My computer is named Kala in a desperate hope that such a powerful name will help it fight off viruses.

  1844. When I need to smile, I read or reread your latest blog! I would love another copy of your book!

  1847. So I just yelled across the house “Shut up! I hear you, but I’m busy trying to win one of Jenny Lawson’s books!” At the dryer.

  1850. I just paid off my car, so I can’t even afford to buy your book… BUT if I win, when I don’t have to pay a car payment next month, I’ll buy one as a git for someone else (autographed copy is mine for the keeping, though).
    You crack me up all the time and for that, I thank you!

  1851. Glass cow eyeballs are a thing? Must investigate. To eBay!

    New chapter? Cool! I guess if you can’t make the new material just apparate into my current copy, a fresh book is the only sensible option.

  1853. You, Jenny Lawson, are my big goddamn hero. Thanks to you my wishlist for birthdays always includeds a metal chicken and a picture of Nathan Fillion holding twine. Your randomness and ability to curse is creative ways makes me happy. “Depression lies” has helped me more times then I can count. Thank God for you!

  1854. My orange and blonde Maine coon, Ibsen, looks most regal when he poops. He squats down, puts on this fantastic “Underlings! Admire my plumage!” face, and drops a deuce. When he isn’t pooping? He gags on his own hair – while it’s still attached to his body. (This is a total cheap shot, but that’s okay because Ibsen is an asshole.)

  1855. I start going back to school next week! It’s a math class. Even tho I love to read, I don’t like to write…. So, I’m actually looking forward to this math class and dreading the English class I will be taking next fall.

  1856. I’ve wanted your book for so long.

    I actually spent days reading your blog every chance I got, which included at school, and love the fact that you post the most random funny shit. You are totally the head of the tribe, (not that you have to go out in public at all, just hide in bathrooms or metal cages above stages) and all your died-of-natural-causes taxidermied pets are your first-class minions.

  1857. I could probably fit about 5 grown bodies under my bed. Unless they were children… but I wont answer that question; not because it is inappropriate to comment on died children, but because their sizes can really very and there are a slew of outcomes. #givemeabook

  1858. My favorite toe is my pinky toe, because it just doesn’t fit in with the others. It’s bent funny, the nail is all wonky – it is the underdog of toes. I could use another copy of your book because I gave the other one to my aunt, whose childhood was frighteningly similar to yours, and my daughter still wants to read it but I wanted her to wait until she was older.

  1859. If I win the copy, I promise to give it to my big sis so she can read it in her book club. Since it is the British version, I will insist they all read it in English Accents.

  1860. I’ve decided that every Wednesday shall be Wu-Tang Wednesday. Was going to do Wu-Tang Tuesday but I like the W-T-W better than the W-T-T. Actually, the more I say Wu-Tang Tuesday I think I like it more. Perhaps I’ll do both.

  1861. Glass cow eyes would be awesome too… better than the cat whiskers my step mom used to collect in a trinket box!

  1862. Since iris’s are as unique as fingerprints, I think there is no upper limit to how many glass eyeballs you could collect. Party on…

  1863. I love your book and totally need a new copy. My current copy has been passed among so many friends that the pages are covered in stains from body fluids— because people tend to spit and spew when laughing at your wonderful weirdness.
    I can’t fit any bodies under my bed because my husband keeps the (empty) cases for his shotguns there. The actual guns live in our gun cabinet because we’re Southern and have furniture dedicated to the storage of shotguns. The cases are for road trips. Southern guns get to travel in their own personal luggage.
    Pick me? Please??? I’ll trade you an economy size Xanax lick.

  1864. I once dropped my hire car keys down a flushing public toilet, leaving me stranded alone at night in a strange city with no money or telephone. On the upside, I had just eaten.

  1865. I have nothing good to say except LOVE YOUUUU keep on being awesome

  1866. Must look into purchasing a box of vintage glass cow eyeballs…they’d make an excellent paperweight, or would just look amazing on my bookshelf next to your book 😛

  1867. A month ago I got a job offer and very, very quickly accepted it. I was so thrilled, I quickly rounded up my two sons and started dancing a joyous happy dance, complete with hooting and cheering. As I jumped with glee, I came down on my foot hard. I heard a disconcerting “crack”, a sound that should never accompany a proper happy dance. The intense pain that followed clued me in that something was very, very wrong.

    I broke my foot in two places while doing a happy dance.

    I won’t be any more careful in the future. How completely awesome is it to celebrate so hard it breaks something?

  1868. i already read your book but would like your autograph or a cow eyeball.

  1869. All I did was read you suggestion of a comment of “the number of bodies you can fit under your bed” and I actually started counting. It would really depend on how tall they are. If they are short like me then probably 6 or 8 but taller then probably 4…. I am not sure if the fact I did that is funny or disturbing.

  1870. OK… I know there is no way you will probably read this and I at first wasn’t going to post it…but…when your book was coming out I pre-ordered it. I was going through a very dark time and often thought about just giving up and ending it all…during the times when I was trying to think of reasons to hang on, I remember thinking to myself – hey, I need to wait until the Blogess’ book comes out!
    Still having ups and downs but wanted you to know that you did help me….

  1871. Honestly, my two favorite toes are … okay, well, there’s a backstory. I was a very literal child, and needed to know the names of things. So, I knew my big toe, my pointer toe (thank you, ballet lessons), and my pinky toe … but WHAT were the other two? I know: middle and ring, right? But no one I knew wore rings on their toes, and wasn’t the middle finger BAD??

    This was all very distressing to me.

    I asked my mother (who, I’m sure, was getting frustrated by/accustomed to answering baffling questions of mine), whose brilliant response was: “You’ll never guess. What do you think?” At the time, my favorite books to read were “Frog and Toad” and “George and Martha.” I couldn’t imagine anyone naming toes anything else. F&T were right out, since that was clearly illogical. So I guessed George and Martha. My mother told me I was exactly right, and *so smart*.

    So, my two favorite toes are George and Martha.

  1872. You can give me a book. Or not. Maybe I’ll let my mom read it when she gets out of prison though she seems to like it there since she got a new cell mate named Dutch and they appear to be very happy. I’m nervous she might start a hunger strike or something worse because I really think she wants to stay there. Frankly I’m not in any hurry to get her home anyway on account of we lost our fire insurance clause in our home owners insurance policy from the last time she was living with us. There is no safe place to hide matches. The book might be a good distraction or an incendiary device. So…never mind.

  1873. I love your book! It’s so awesome I tell everyone about it and also trying to convince my husband to let me buy a taxidermy mouse. Lol

  1874. One time I was helping clean out an elderly relatives house and found the even more deceased husband’s false teeth. I wish I’d saved them, you would have appreciated them. And I’d love a copy of your book.

  1875. I’m partial to the pinky toe, but only on my husband’s feet. He freaks out if I touch them. So, of course, I touch them every chance I get.

  1876. Do I really have to tell you anything? Because if I do, I might just start spilling my guts out to you. Then someone in the office (oops, Hey Boss, I’m really not on company time now.) would have to come clean up after me…

    Anyway, my least favorite tow is the one when I was driving on Houston’s 610 loop and ran out of gas!

  1877. Starting from the top:
    1) My boyfriend’s left second one – it curves like a bend in a river
    2) “The Twins and Their Sister”
    3) “Normal” and “use” have me paused on this one. If “use” means “thinks about,” then the number is potentially infinite. I think about the glass eye of a boy I met only once several times a month.
    4) There is A LOT of stuff under there already. Is the question “How many MORE bodies?”

    Thank you for leading the band, Jenny.

  1878. I could probably fit 2 bodies under my bed, but the smell might be a problem…

  1879. I worked at an auction for about a year, and in that time I seen a ton of awesome things. Also, I have an insane need to name everyone/everything I meet. This is relevant, I assure you. Anyways, in came a little baby anteater and I loved him with all my heart. I can post pictures to prove if you would like. Honestly my boss would come back from meetings and catch me taking pictures of myself and Freddy ( what I named him). The man who bought him put him by his front door and greets him daily! Or so I’m told. Thank you for being awesome and making me feel not alone.

  1880. I was sick when you came to Boston to do a reading and I was SO SAD to miss you! I did manage to score an autographed hardback from Brookline Booksmith, but I was hoping you’d come back here on a mini paperback book tour. . . sadly you didn’t. Winning a copy of the super fun british edition might make up for that. . . . possibly. . . .I did make three other people read your book does that help my chances of winning?!

  1882. I am currently in possession of 5 glass eyeballs at home, but 4 are attached to glass drink stirrers. I put the one that isn’t at the bottom of random people’s red wine glasses- it really increases the entertainment value of a dinner party!! I feel like I could probably own quite a few more glass eyes before it felt like overkill.

  1883. I spent the day hunting unicorns because I couldn’t access any morphine.

  1885. I have the audiobook–which is WONDERFUL!! I posted on your FB page about how you made me laugh so hard that I walked into a tree at the dog park–but I was only mildly concussed and just grateful that I wasn’t DRIVING!! I will probably get your book anyway on Kindle, as well as the hard copy because I will be handing it off to the other Rowdy Girls to read (I have a tendency to proselytize when I find something great…), but an autographed copy would be fun!
    Besides, if I’m sitting down, reading the book, it greatly lessens the chance that I’m going to walk into a tree…. Cheers and Ta! (that’s my nod to the whole UK/British accent thing…)

  1886. I already have a kindle copy and a physical copy but I keep lending out the physical copy so I’d love to have another!!

  1887. The words “vagina dumpling” popped into my head while riding the train today. I have no idea why. And then I thought, “The Bloggess would understand.” The End.

  1888. I would love to have an autographed copy of your book. You are awesome!

  1889. When I was a little kid, I hated saying the word toe or pinky. I would have to point in order to let anyone know that is what I wanted to say.

  1890. I would like a copy to see if you talk in a British accent in this translation to…ah..English.

  1891. I love the font on this book! I have the other version, but I think I need to win this one so my copies of the book can snuggle together, and see where that leads. I won’t judge them.

  1892. My comment:

    Why the hell did they change the cover in the UK? I love that damn mouse and his awesome cape covered in awesome sauce!!!

    Okay. As you were.

  1893. I totally want to have some glass cow eyeballs and give them to the cats to play with and then invite people over. Then I would put some in the Halloween candy bowl at trick-or-treat. And hide one in the Thanksgiving mashed potatoes. Plus I would put one on a necklace and wear it to my pre-k class and when a kid was acting out, I would give them THE STARE. OOOH the possibilities are endless! A book would be pretty good, too.

  1894. My grandfather had a glass eyeball, but I have to assume it was a human one, as opposed to a cow one. According to my mother, he would often get drunk and misplace it and then accuse my grandmother of hiding it. “TH-TH-TH-TH-TH-THELMA!” he would yell. (Also, he stuttered. The gene pool is smokin’ hot around here.) “TH-TH-TH-TH-TH-THELMA!” he would yell. “WH-WH-WH-WH-WH-WH-WH-WHERE D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DID YOU P-P-P-P-P-P-P-PUT M-M-M-M-M-M-MY EYE B-B-B-B-B-B-B-BALL?” She never knew, of course, and it had to be replaced quite often. He could have probably used a whole box. Even if they were for cows.

  1895. You owe me a book. It is your fault I troll ebay looking for badly taxidermied animals. You might know – is ther a support group or 12 step program for that addiction?

  1896. I’m not a guy so I don’t feel the need to name my body parts. I have Fred Flintstone feet (large and flat) so I don’t have a favorite toe. I was once asked by a guy to suck his toes and that should truly be in marriage vows. It’s true love if you’re willing to suck someone’s toes.

  1897. ooohhhh!!!! I would love a copy, knowing there may be the slight chance that my BF Harry may have be been anywhere near the factory that made these. *swoon*

  1898. I have a favorite toe.
    It’s name is Joe.
    Severed with a hoe.
    oh no.

  1899. I was recently in New York and I went to Obscura, the shop the show “Oddities” is based on, and I suddenly knew what it would feel like to be in your house. Which is to say, confusing, mildly uncomfortable, and yet, unexplainably awesome.

  1901. I almost got kicked out of Barnes & Noble for laughing too loudly while reading the beginning of your book so I should be knighted and win!

  1902. Here’s a great joke to tell your daughter that she can tell her friends…
    What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    –
    –
    –
    –
    Fssssshhhhhhh!
    ( you have to say it out loud!)
    ps. I’d love a copy of your book

  1903. So, last night, my hubby and I were sitting at the dining room table silently working on our own various projects… when he looks up from his paperwork and proudly announces that he is collating papers and asked if I wanted to take a picture to send to The Bloggess. I very nonchalantly told him that he is no Wil Wheaton so I doubt that The Bloggess would be very interested in seeing that picture (while on the inside I was MIGHTY impressed that he listens when I ramble on about your antics and general awesomeness). His reply? “What if I was holding twine?”

    *swoons*

    I love this man 🙂

  1904. I would love a copy because for some reason your book tours don’t come to Wisconsin. Why is that? Are you afraid of our cheese? Our beer? I wouldn’t know and since I’m not a stalker LIKE SOME PEOPLE I won’t come to Texas and ask.

    Also, I have a replica Beyonce on my desk at work which was given to me by lovely co-workers after we colored our own versions of Beyonce and taped them to plastic utensils so they could talk to each other over our cubicle walls.

    And, I submitted the request to have someone write fanfiction about you. You aren’t famous until someone writes fanfiction about you. You’re welcome.

  1905. Well… For what it’s worth, my anything is that I am English born, married to a German, and a naturalized American who reads your blog…learned to laugh with your book and your running commnetaries AND wow! You introduced me to a writing style that is soooo funny and distinctive. So. Please. Give. Me. A. Copy!!!!!!

  1906. I would love to read the new chapter! Although my husband probably won’t appreciate me reading all the funny parts (the whole book) out loud to him again.

  1907. Also, they had both tiny anthropomorphically alligators AND a bin of old glass eyeballs.

  1909. I am the one who sent you the photo of Troll Car. Would love to have a book so I can send to my cousin in Tanzania. She works at the embassy there and needs a good laugh….especially since armed guards are always outside of her “house” at the compound. Ugh.

  1910. I guess it depends on the size of the bodies. Besides, I thought bodies were supposed to be stashed in the freezer. Hiding bodies under the bed just sounds unsanitary. Also smelly.

  1911. My office just adopted a giraffe in my name. Her name is Art3mis. I have the best co-workers ever!

  1912. I could probably sit here trying to think of something clever to insert in this box, but by the time I managed to hurdle over my insecurity enough to come up with something I’m content with submitting, I’d probably miss the entire giveaway. So, instead, I’ll just keep it obvious: I totally want to win this book!

  1913. I just have to say that I finished grading final papers for the most grueling and heartbreaking and god-awful semester I’ve ever had the misfortune to teach. So there’s that.

  1914. I had a teacher in middle school with a glass eye. I felt so sorry for her. All the kids thought it was hilarious. Then in 9th grade we had a really scary English teacher and he used to take his glass eye out and leave it on the desk to watch us when he left the room.

    He was eventually fired and convicted of stalking another teacher. That’s another story for another time.

    Love your guts Ms. Bloggess. If I win, will you ship to Australia? If I win and you won’t ship to Australia, would you send it to my best friend in Milwaukee instead? She loves you too!

  1915. I put out hummingbird feeders and I haven’t seen any hummingbirds but there’s a female woodpecker that is drinking all the sugar water!

  1916. When I was 13 I named my cat Matthew Broderick because Ladyhawke. Your Ferris Mewler always makes me think of him.

  1918. When reading this version with all the cursing cut out, would “hippopatamus” have a fun accent?

  1920. When I was 13 I named my cat Matthew Broderick because Ladyhawke

  1921. I know it’s totally awful to only comment when you’re giving stuff away but sigh. I have had a terrible terrible day and so now I’d like to pretend it’s better than it really is by winning a prize. Prizes make bad days better.

  1923. My husband has a glass eyeball, which he only pops out at poker and when he has had wayyyyy too much to drink (somehow I don’t think those are mutually exclusive though.)

  1924. I have both the American and the British versions of Harry Potter series. Now I need both versions of another classic! BTW, love that you have actually met a Tim(e) Lord!

  1925. I need a copy so I don’t have to loan my sister my only copy that I cherish so very much.

  1927. Vintage glass cow eyeballs would be interesting, but your book would definitely keep me entertained longer.

  1928. Today my gynocologist told me I should enter the lottery. (True story.) This is my version of following her advice.

  1929. And obviously what I meant by “words with friends” was “draw something”. I blame studying for finals for that fuck up. Algebra has turned my brain into goo.

  1930. How about the names of all the glass cow eyeballs that I can fit into my body parts?

  1931. I have a box full of actors that I love under my bed. But only the petite ones. Like Giovanni Ribisi. Anyone bigger than him goes in my closet.

  1932. Wait, regardless of the contest, I have A Seriously Important Question: does this version include British spelling?!

  1933. Joined a new book club with women that don’t seem to like me, so I’m going to try to push your book to win their favor.

  1934. I haven’t read it yet, and I would love to. Also, I can’t fit any dead bodies under my bed, because it’s directly against the floor.

  1935. How many welds could a Cock Welder weld if a Cock Welder could weld cocks?

  1936. Are we talking about a normal person using glass eyeballs? Or a normal person using vintage glass cow eyeballs? Or either of those sentences with ‘average person’ instead of ‘normal person’. I don’t know if I actually know anybody who is normal, so I’m going to go with ‘average’. That means I get to average over all people ever.

    Most people probably never encounter a glass eyeball (except perhaps with unexplained packages in the mail… not that has ever happened to me… and not that I have ever caused that to happen to somebody else) let alone use one. BUT! There are those folks out there who do use glass eyeballs. Some people use them to replace a missing eye. Some people use them to make scarily life-like figures. Does it count as ‘using’ if the person in question is viewing one of the figures-with-glass-eyes? Then anybody who watched Reading Rainbow has used a dozen or so. As has anybody who has ever gone to a wax museum.
    Does it count as a glass eyeball if it’s just the glass eye of a glass figurine, rather than a separable eyeball? I don’t think I’ll count those, because that would suddenly include hundreds of eyeballs for the countless readers of this blog…

    So anyway. Assuming some of the above conditions and definitions, then I’d say the average person alive today has used or will use 13.83 (because you have to have a decimal) glass eyeballs in her or his lifetime. The average person (over all space and time) probably uses fewer, because there are probably some people out there who don’t have eyes at all and don’t understand optics… So for the average person in general, I’m going to go with 0.0000001 glass eyeballs per lifetime.

  1937. I once applied to be an astronaut, but I was too short by 2 inches. Seriously. The job description said I had to be at least 5’2″. I’m an even 5′. I met all the initial requirements except the height minimum. You’d think NASA would want tiny, compact astronauts. Jerks.

  1938. I’m thinking of all the crafty things I could do with a box of vintage glass cow eyeballs… but I would be just as happy to get the book!

  1941. Oooh! I would love a signed copy! I have it on my Kindle, but there’s nothing like a real, physical book.
    I have nothing amusing to say, other than the fact that I have baby turkeys in my barn right now (for Thanksgiving, nom nom nom) and every time I see them I think of to part in the book where the turkey followed you to school. They are not as evil as your turkeys though.

  1943. My 14 year old daughter and I love your book (does that make me a bad mom for letting my 14 year old read about smoking pot from a doll’s head?)! I think I’m just preparing her for real life, right? Love you, keep it going please….

  1944. I’m at a conference full of scientists. The words required to convey my current need for ridiculousness have not yet been introduced to the English lexicon.

  1946. Would love to win. I’d even dress up as a unicorn and french kiss you the next time you were in my neck of the woods (Ontario, Canada) as a bribe/threat. If I do win, can you make the purolator guy who comes with my copy say “Knock-Knock Motherfucker!” when he delivers it?

  1947. Oh, I do hope to win. Oh wait, it’s the book, not the eyeball? Well, I guess that’s okay, too. 🙂

  1948. I can’t fit any bodies under my bed because I throw all my stuff down there. And glass eyeballs is making me think of my ex, because his father was missing an eye from throwing knives when he was little. And when my ex was in high school his family’s dog lost THE SAME EYE because of cancer.

  1949. I know someone with a glass eye.
    Sometimes he wears it and sometimes he doesn’t.

  1950. Glass eyeballs aside, plastic disposables would be kind of awesome. I hope they exist. If they don’t…patent pending, patent pending, patent pending.

  1951. I love hearing about your wonderful endeavors, and would love to do so even more whilst reading the pages of this book!

  1952. I am so happy to be a member I that tribe! My least favorite body part is currently my head, sinus headaches suck.

  1953. Guess what?? I am pretty sure that I can read the UK language and I KNOW I want to read your book!!

  1954. The cover reminds me of a Monty Python type cartoon, with the font and the cut and paste. It’s awesome.

  1955. This past week I lost my wedding band in Montreal, had to wear my husbands business pants in Wichita because my dry cleaner mix mashed our laundry, and had no feminine products when needed while wearing WHITE PANTS in West Palm Beach.

  1956. I still haven’t read this book ’cause life has been hard. Last April, my fiance lost his job. Then we lost our apartment in August and were homeless for a little while. Things are starting to look up but I’m sad I haven’t been able to justify buying the book still.

  1957. I would love to win a copy of your book. I’d think of something interesting to say, but I’m lazy. :p

  1958. My coworker and I are convinced that we can hide the bodies of obnoxious library patrons in the flower beds of the patio outside the library. We haven’t had the chance to try it yet as there are always, um… witnesses around. If we ever succeed you’ll be the first to know & maybe you could bail us out of jail – or join us!

  1959. Remember that one time when you were really drunk and you rode the unicycle across the tightrope with a tiny bear on your shoulder? Nope? Maybe that was me…

    I’d love a paperback copy of your book. Already got the kindle version. 😀

  1960. Glass eyes…that reminds me.

    Last week, I was driving in downtown LA and passed a place that advertised “ocular prosthetics.” It took me a minute to figure out what that was. Then I started thinking about that joke where the guy with the wooden eye and the full-figured gal meet at a dance. (the punch like goes “Would I!” and he replies “Fat ass!” Maybe you know it). Then, because I’m like that, I started thinking of the politically correct version of the joke. “A man with an ocular prosthesis made of wood attends a dance….” all of which caused me to bust out in a fit of giggles…while driving in downtown LA….like waaaay downtown, near the homeless tents. It was not my finest moment.

    Oh, I’d love to win your book, too.

  1961. Me and my accessory navicular bone are so gonna join your running club. Too bad my accessory isn’t accessorized with tassels, sequins, and rhinestones.

    (It’s an extra bone in my foot, everybody gets one, some lucky folks get two)

  1963. I would like to comment on the average number of glass cow eyes a person could fit in their mouth: 11

  1964. I’ve been sleeping* with NINE dogs in the bed with me this week. (House/dog/grandmother sitting while family out of town).
    Also, I’m wondering how Zan’s ex’s dog wound up with the father’s eye… I mean, I’m going to assume that the dog wasn’t around when father was little and lost the eye, so the eye must have had quite an adventure before winding up in the dogs head. Of course, if the dog lost it as well, clearly the eye wasn’t meant to be tied down to just one socket. It’s a free spirited eye. Unless, of course,it wasn’t actually THE SAME EYE…

    *One does not actually sleep when sharing a bed with nine dogs. They sleep, on top of the covers, and you lie there unable to move. Cocooned. Mummified.

  1966. Why is the “Leave a Comment” thing at the bottom of all the comments? I just wasted 30 seconds of my life speed scrolling through them all. But seriously, I would love a copy of the book because I don’t have one yet!

  1967. The book is OK, but I’d really prefer a couple of the glass cow eyes…

  1968. I don’t suppose you would autograph the copy that I win? I’m too cheap to buy one for myself, only for others.

  1969. I’m a university student right in the middle of exam month in the UK. 100% of my grade in each class is based on these exams. I could really do with something to look forward to! And I’ll be desperate to do some reading for pleasure once I can finally put down the neurobiology textbooks :/ As much as I adore my course, becoming a psychologist is hard work!

  1970. Toes: some people bite fingernails, I ripped off toenails when I was young and nervous. Now my pinkies have mutant nails and a pedi-polish is smaller than a freckle.

    Glass eyes: My father’s girlfriend has a glass eye. She travelled to Europe, and had a new one made because it was cheaper than at home. The delicate brushwork to get the veins on it fascinated me. The sticking of putty or what have you in the cavity to get the right shape for the back of the glass eye, less so.

    The double ‘L’ in travelled should tell you that I desperately need the UK version 🙂

  1971. Hiding bodies under the bed messes with your feng shui. You have to hide the bodies in that freezer in the basement where you put all those things you buy on sale because OMG what a great deal! and then you forget you bought them and they sit there for like years until you get a wicked snowstorm in October that knocks your power out for 11 days and so you have to just throw everything out because they’re now ruined. Or maybe that’s just me? Plus, dead bodies are less smelly in the freezer. Until the power goes out for days and and days on end. Unless you like death smell in your bedroom that is. I mean, maybe you do. To each their own and all that.

  1973. I want to say something cool, but I just changed a poop diaper & am left not feeling particularly cool. But I do love this book – I listened to the audio on the way to work during the last couple weeks of my 3rd pregnancy & laughed til I peed myself a couple times. 🙂

  1974. A friend of mine has a budgeting blog and recently asked people what was the most extreme thing they had done to save money. One woman said that her family doesn’t use toilet paper anymore. They DON’T USE TOILET PAPER. This is beyond anything that I can wrap my head around.

    And I would really like a book, please.

  1975. I’m always fascinated by the differences between US and UK covers. Your US cover is so classic, and the UK cover is, well, fairly manic. I have the ebook version, but bought the hardcover for my mother. I’d love to read the extra chapter.

  1976. I know I never win, but I’m going to try it anyway. 🙂

    I don’t have a favorite toe and I can’t fit any bodies under my bed. The curse of having a platform bed, I guess. I am getting my dream trip to Gettysburg next week where I will get to spend exactly 36 hours there. That’s in a row, not just exploring such a historically significant place. I’ll type a novel if I let myself go on about that. So, yeah, glass eyeballs. 😀

  1978. Must have book!!! I have a Wonder Woman belt buckle and I am not afraid to use it!

  1979. All this talk about bodies under the bed has me a little creeped out. Now I’ll have to start checking under my bed again every night.

  1980. I love being a part of your tribe!

    I don’t know if I have anything scintillating to say about glass cow eyeballs, although I’m sure I’d love to have a bowl of them. If nothing else, you could make a lot of wicked cool jewelry (suddenly a Very Special String of Mardi Gras beads leaps to mind…).

  1981. Triber, have the book, give it away at Christmas. Love to win another copy to give to friends!
    Also, Laurie Ann (ocular prosthetics, above) should really win. That was great.

  1982. I think the amount of glass eyes a person goes through depends on how many times it falls out of its socket and breaks. I really, really want a copy of this book!!!!!!

  1983. I totally go through at least a baker’s dozen on a daily basis. Books, not cow eyeballs. that would be kinda gross.

  1985. I don’t have a favorite toe because feet kind of freak me out. I mean I guess my pinky toes are pretty cute.
    Pet names for my body parts: Itsy, Bitsy, Lola, and Trouble.
    TRICK QUESTION! There are no normal people. The average person might use about four.
    I can fit none because my bed is directly on the floor. But even if I had a normal bed I wouldn’t be putting dead bodies under there. That’s how you get caught. There are much better ways for disposing of dead bodies.

  1986. I’ve listened to the audible version 3 times now, and I love it to death. would love a copy on paper too!

  1987. I was going to say something about my cat doing something reasonably disgusting, but over 1,900 in four hours? That’s nearly insane.

  1988. So I saw this dead mouse today at work. I left it there for my supervisor, cause I thought he might get bored otherwise. I pretty sure he already knew it was there. This was AFTER he discovered one of our storage units was left open last night and something was inside. Outside was a dying squirrel, we assume murdered (poisoned) by whatever was inside the storage unit.

    Why yes, he did close and lock the storage unit in hope it would kill whatever was in it.

  1989. I think I should win a copy because you didn’t come close enough to me (Arkansas) on your book tour for me to come see you in person. Also I almost had ovarian cancer a few weeks back but it was a false alarm. However I had to be on Xanax for two weeks while I waited on pathology results and I feel this makes us close. You should do things for your closest friends. Like give them a book.

  1990. In our tribe we all have tribal names. Mine is Red Moon, due to an unfortunate sunbathing experience when no one else inthe tribe told me my caboose was hanging out. You’d fit right in – glass eyes and all!

  1991. Is red wine paleo? Oh, who the hell cares. Gimme another glass.
    Of wine. Not a glass eye.
    Not that glass eyes aren’t totally cool, I just can’t drink one.
    Just saying.

  1992. Oh how I want a copy! I could probably fit a lot of bodies under my bed and I could probably use about 10 pairs of glass cow eyeballs in my lifetime. I am frugal and wouldn’t want to waste any of them, but I would have spares for anyone that needs them!

  1996. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve laughed hysterically at your posts. They make me feel better about myself and my “quirks”. I’d love a copy of your book.

  1997. Eyeballs are pretty creepy, but I would like to read your book. 🙂

  1998. There’s a bar in my neighborhood that has a taxidermied snake being ridden by a mouse, bridle and all. May I suggest this for your next book?

  1999. I saw a picture on Pinterest about an hour ago of a dog with a toy laser gun and at the bottom it said PEW PEW PEW. I cannot stop giggling and/or saying PEW PEW PEW 🙂

  2000. A flea and a fly flew about in a flue. Said the fly to the flea, what on Earth shall we do? Shall we fly, said the flea? No let’s flee, said the fly. So they fluttered and flew in the flaw in the flue.

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