Rules for life

in Random Crap

I’ve made rules that I’m trying to implement in my life.  Want to see them?  Probably not.  But here they are anyway:

RULES FOR LIFE

1. Don’t be shitty.

2. Don’t make happy people sad.

3. Don’t make sad people sadder.

4. If more than two people tell you that you’re being an asshole, consider that maybe you’re being an asshole.

5. Flush the toilet behind you.  You’re grossing us all out.

6. Support the under-dog.

7. Critics aren’t automatically bullies and you’re doing yourself a disservice if you ignore all of them out of hand.  That being said, it sucks to read shitty stuff about yourself so find an honest friend to read your criticism and tell you if it’s something worth listening to or if the critic is just a crazy fucking douche-canoe.

8. Real bullies are complete assholes but they can’t recognize themselves as such so maybe spray paint an “x” on their forehead so that we can all just recognize them from a distance and ignore them.

9. Be stupid.  Be childlike.  Be ridiculous.  Be happy.

10. Don’t use the word “literally” when you really mean “figuratively”.  It literally makes me want to stab you a little but I don’t do it because that’s illegal and also because I have a very limited amount of knives.

11. Read more.  Watch shows that inspire you.  Embrace whatever makes you geek out.  Even if it’s Laura Ingalls.  Because Laura Ingalls is fascinating and there’s nothing wrong with obsessively knowing every detail about her life and death.  Stop judging me.  

12. Bite off more than you can chew.  You can always spit it out on the floor if you decide you don’t like it.  Women do it all the time.

12b. Embrace your flaws and foibles.  If people make fun of you, kick them in the back and then blame it on a ghost.

14. Don’t let other people on the internet tell you what to do.  Unless it’s this list.  Then I guess just use your best judgement.

15. Become a pirate.  Or a monster truck.  Or a space toddler.  Or a jacket.  That’s my favorite one.  I just jump on someone’s back and say “Sorry.  You looked cold.  Zip me up.”  It’s awesome.

16. Do something nice for someone you love.

17. Do something nice for a perfect stranger.

18. Do something nice for you.

19. Do ‘The Robot’.

20.  Add your own.  Go ahead.  You can’t fuck this up any more than I have.

 

741 thoughts on “Rules for life”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. “…because that’s illegal and also because I have a very limited amount of knives.”

    I recommend following Standard Stabbing Protocol which calls for maintaining a firm grip on the knife handle in order to facilitate removal of the knife after a successful stabbing thrust so that repeated stabs may be made with the same knife. The final stab should always be followed by the final removal of the knife. Followed by a good washing and rinsing of both the knife and the knife wielder.

    Rule 2x) Believe yourself. And believe in yourself.

  3. Remember to say “thank you.”

    Thank you for this list today!

  4. Be nice to each other. The world is so lacking common courtesy…

  6. Do be honest with the people you love and/or live with.

  8. Cry when you need to, like when reading lists like this on very bad days and they are exactly what you needed to see. Especially number 18.

  9. Make a “Not to do” list. Put at least 5 tasks on there that you hate doing. Do not do those things.
    When someone asks you to do one of those things, just say “Sorry, I can’t do yhat. It’s on my Not To Do list.

  10. 21) Don’t forget to tell your loved ones how you feel. Perhaps they should know, but it’s nice to hear. It’s also an investment in your future health, you know, in case you need a kidney down the road.

  11. Do not misspell “masturbate” as “masterbate” because that’s taking the U out of masturbation and frankly, it’s all about the U.

  12. Remember, somebody probably loves that asshole. Feel sorry for that somebody. And if nobody does, feel a little sorry for that asshole.

  14. What kind of knives do you need, when you feel stabby?

    Maybe we can pitch in for several sets…. Don’t tell Victor, he’ll worry

  17. If someone offer to help you with something stressful, say “Thank you, that would be great!” There is no shame in asking for help, or in accepting it when someone offers.

  19. Don’t believe everything you read.
    Don’t believe everything you think.
    Breakfast for dinner is always a winner.
    It’s far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without you having to tell them.
    The best way to make yourself feel better about having to wait in a long line is to look at the people behind you.
    Teeth are jewels, not tools.
    What you do every day is more important than what you do once in a while.
    If a car is held together with masking tape and plastic wrap, always let them merge. They obviously have nothing to lose.
    However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

  20. Follow your intuition. It isn’t something kooky-spooky. It’s the sum total of all your experiences and thoughts up to that point, combined into one handy feeling.

  23. Don’t forget to don clean underwear (inside of your pants – unless you’re a superhero).

  24. Mind you, I probably shouldn’t advocate for “Don’t tell Victor, he’ll worry”

    How about “Don’t tell Victor what you just bought on Ebay, he doesn’t need the stress”?

  25. Rule N) Be a thoughtful son or daughter: Make it a point to tell your parents, at least once per week, how important they were in ruining your entire childhood.

    Rule N+1) Don’t forget to wear sunscreen.

  26. I still think Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure gets it right: “Be excellent to each other.”

  27. Share a pint of Ben & Jerry’s with a toddler. Less calories for you!

  29. Don’t let other people steal your thunder. Rawr at them if they try. And then yell “I will go Zeus on your ass if you keep trying to steal my thunder and lightning!”

  30. We are not allowed to face the toilet when flushing? I did not know that. Thanks for the heads up.

  31. Give yourself permission. Unless it’s permission to kick a cat. Don’t do that.

  32. My rule for life: Admit when you fucked up. Or that you’re entirely fucked up. Either way. 🙂

  34. If you know something today, you know it. It’s okay to share that without hedging that you just learned it and maybe everyone else already knows it. Don’t downplay your knowledge and abilities. It puts you at a disadvantage in dealing with the assholes.

  35. I was Laura Ingalls for Halloween when I was in 3rd grade, every damn house kept saying Oh Look Holly Hobby. I am still scarred. Anyone who is anyone knows the damn difference between those two. Not even a contest.

  36. Don’t be afraid to tell people to F_#$ off if they don’t like you 🙂

  37. Give yourself permission to be a kid once in a while. Color, play on a playground, wear a tutu for no apparent reason, cry unapologetically. It will make being an adult slightly more bearable

  38. Be okay with eliminating shitty people from your life but, it’s probably better to do so by no longer taking phone calls – woodchippers are probably expensive to rent. : )

  39. If your mama didn’t raise you right – get educated! It ain’t that hard!

  41. It’s often okay to be pants sometimes. Grab onto someone’s leg and let them carry you around like you did when you were five.

  43. Pick something that you don’t like about yourself. If you can change it, do. If you can’t, embrace it.

  44. I feel like you wrote #11 just for me. Did you? Because I too am Laura Ingalls Wilder aficionado and I’m not going to hide it any more. In the 3rd grade I got into it with the school librarian when I found they put the Little House books in the Fiction section. You’ve inspired me to retake up my cause to get them moved to non-fiction. Will you sign on as the campaign’s celebrity spokesperson?

    (Have you read The Wilder Life by Wendy McClure? It’s totally our kind of book. ~ Jenny)

  45. Get on the bandwagon already and watch Doctor Who. You’re going to like it and then all of the jokes on line will make sense and be hysterical. There fore watching Doctor Who will bring laughter into your life. Just do it.

  46. Be confident in being different. Normal people are boring.

  52. Just have to post… it’s my b’day dammit! Thanks for posting something today 🙂 I have a headache and I’m at work. Not the best birthday ever. People suck. But you’re nice.

    (Happy birthday! One of the people that won my book last week emailed back that she already had a copy so I should pass it on to someone else. Want it for your birthday? Just email me at jenny@thebloggess.com if you want it. ~ Jenny)

  53. Don’t put off things til “x” happens. Do it, try it, BE IT NOW!!!

  55. Can I just say that I LOVE being a pirate! I use to just randomly dress up as a pirate sometimes. Then my less-adventurous “friends” started to say I was weird, so I stopped.

    But you know what, pirates are AWESOME and I think if I walked around a city dressed as a pirate, it would bring joy to a lot of people, which fulfills two of your list items. So yeah. Pirate on!

  56. If your 14 year old asks you to make blue waffles, for Baby Jesus’ sake, do not Google the recipe.

  59. Love and then love some more. I know…so trite. But, it works for me and some REALLY good ones were already taken.

    OH, and treat teenagers like adults with zero common sense, it makes raising them that much easier.

  61. My 5 year old recently made a list of our house rules. He added “get a pet sheep”. When I asked about that one, he mumbled quietly that we could just ‘x’ that one out, but I said let’s keep it. I think having something soft to snuggle when needed is not a bad rule

  63. Sometimes it’s more important to forgive than to be right. Sometimes, someone just really needs a good old-fashioned beat down.

  65. Carry this list taped to a can of spray paint so that when the bully-asshole whose forehead you just sprayed an ‘x’ on tries to retaliate you can point to #8 and say, “The Bloggess told me to.” Then run away. Run very, very fast.

  66. I’d add a corollary to #14:

    14. Don’t let other people on the internet tell you what to do. Unless it’s this list. Then I guess just use your best judgement.

    14a: Let people in the Internet tell you what to do if you already wanted to do that thing.

    I’d also add:

    Never let people tell you “I told you so” if you try something that they say won’t work and it doesn’t. Experimenting is part of life. If they say “I told you so”, respond “Yes, you did, but wisdom doesn’t come from blindly accepting what people tell you won’t work. I’m now wiser for my attempt.”

  67. I have another thing for your list:

    Don’t be afraid of doing stuff by yourself. It makes you a richer person (not literally, haha) AND you’d be surprised how many people think it is really badass, rather than strange.

  68. I was in a really crappy mood, until I read the words “douche-canoe”. That made me laugh. I needed a laugh. Thank you for that. As usual.

  70. Giving yourself a WHOO FUCKING HOO occasionally, but especially on those mornings when the espresso just doesn’t seem like quite enough, can be a good idea because sometimes you’re the only one who is going to do it and, well, we all need a WHOO FUCKING HOO. We just do.

  71. Forgot to post my rule.. take off work on your birthday, cause you totally deserve it!

  72. I love this list but where is 13?

    (I’m afraid of that number so I always skip it when I can. I realize this is insane. ~ Jenny)

  76. My mother gave me a list of rules to live by. My favorite was the last one:

    10. Don’s sit on your face, don’t drink with your finger and don’t talk in that funny little voice. Don’t spit into the wind. Don’t mess around with the old Lone Ranger and don’t mess around with Jim.

  77. Laugh. Loud and often. But maybe not when everyone else is crying or angry. Maybe do it quietly then.

  79. “Always” and “never” are rarely a good idea in an argument.

  80. This was exactly what I needed today. Also, I am finding that I need to keep telling myself that how many times you fall doesn’t matter as much as how many times you get back up. I got laid off (AGAIN) yesterday after a whopping three weeks on the job (budget stuff…again). I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been told that I am extremely talented and a “valuable asset” right before they tell me that they can’t afford to keep me on anymore. And I’ve decided that I am only going to count the first part of the statement and discard the rest because that’s what allows me to keep getting back up.

    From your list, I am fully embracing #12. I’ll let you know how it works out for me.

  82. Don’t judge people for flying their freak flag all out and about. We all have one so we might as well enjoy it! Quite hiding your true self to suit other people’s narrow-minded ideals.

  84. Wonderful rules! I especially needed to read (and re-read) #1, #2, and #3. Thank you for your uncanny wisdom!!

  85. A while back I decided that trying to be the best person I could possibly be was setting myself up for disappointment. My new life goal is “don’t be an asshole.” (I could use Wil Wheaton’s mantra, but not HAVING a dick, I feel it’s very difficult to BE one.)

  87. Eat things that will make you fat because they will also make you happy.
    Cuddle a sleeping baby whenever you have a chance. It’s the best and cheapest therapy ever.

  89. Don’t let the presence of someone who broke your heart deter you from doing something you want.

  90. If you wouldn’t say it to the person’s face, don’t say it on the internet. Anonymity is not freedom to be a spiteful asshole.

  91. The most important rule: write words on bananas every chance you get.
    Oh, and learn to properly spell profanities, because nobody wants misspelled fruit.

  93. hang the toilet paper going the right way. you know which way i mean….so the free edge comes over the top nicely and hangs down, just waiting to be grabbed. don’t be an asshole and hang it the other way.

  94. don’t ever be afraid to follow your dreams. Even if you keep stumbling along the way, ESPECIALLY if you keep stumbling along the way. It will just make you appreciate it more when you get there.
    And don’t listen to people who tell you you’ll never make it happen.

  95. I LOVE LAURA INGALLS! Had no idea you were into her also; how’d I miss that? and Alyson– I had the EXACT. SAME. EXPERIENCE. Except I was in sixth grade instead of third. <3

  96. I’d like to add what Wil says: Get Excited & Make Things. It doesn’t matter what it is. Have an idea for a silly t-shirt? Do it. Wanna see what that wall would look like with pink & purple stripes? Go for it. Want a TARDIS lamp shade but can’t afford one? Make it yourself. You’ll love it more and you have no idea how much creativity you have in you until you start to unleash it.

  97. About assholes…kill them with kindness. You’ll feel extra good about yourself by doing it in a nice way, and the world will have one less asshole to deal with since they’ll be dead and all.

  98. Three things I tell my kids…

    1. Ask yourself if I would be proud of you before you do something that may be questionable. If the answer is no…don’t do it.

    2. Don’t be an asshole.

    3. ALWAYS be a unicorn 😉

  99. On the knife thing, be green, recycle and use them over and over.

    On the bully thing, HELL YES!! I’m so sick of bullies. They just grow up to bigger bullies, and assholes.

  100. I have to say that #4 is so very relevant to my life today.

    Not because I’M the asshole. OBVIOUSLY. But someone I know has this issue sometimes and refuses to acknowledge it.

    I will add:

    21) Put some cheesy ass music on the jukebox and just start a ridiculous dance party like it’s your job.

  102. – Be compassionate to yourself.
    – Water your plants. They can’t water themselves.
    – Buy anything that is metal and chicken-related.
    – Be nice to your partner. Even when you want they make you want to bite them.

    And for me, this may be the hardest:
    – Do things that scare you. So long as it won’t actually kill or harm you in any way. Or anyone else. Unless you don’t like them. Then delete this post first so the cops don’t catch on that it was actually all intentional. I think I’ve said too much.

  103. Also– love this Jenny, thank you, and you are awesome, and no douche-canoe can touch you! <3

  105. Whatever you do, own it. If you screw up, admit it and help fix the problem. If you do something awesome, own that, too. Don’t wave it off with a dismissive “it was nothing.”

  106. If you are in pain find a way to get better. Really. It’s ok to grit your teeth and take it for a while, but you are not meant to make being in pain a habit. GET THE HELP YOU NEED.

  107. “Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it has been.”

    That is valid for fingers, toys, unwashed produce and men.

  108. Imagine yourself farting when you are at the office. It will make you laugh in an equally explosive manner and people will think you’re insane. Then, when you DO finally fart in the office, people will expect it.

  109. I like number 10. That said her is one….
    21) Bitch slap stupid people…Trust me you will feel better. 😉

  110. lol Love the rules! Here’s myne
    “Get dressed up and put on some makeup… get beautiful for you and only you! Beautiful on the outside = Confidence and that goes a loooonnng way!”

  111. 2x) The best way to get a hug is to give a hug. Unless you’re trying to give a hug to a stranger. That’s the best way to get arrested.

    2x+1) Find your tribe.

  112. Also wanted to add a comment about bullies. I grew up bullied a ton from elementary school through to high school. It got so bad that I became paranoid and thought that anyone laughing MUST be laughing at me. Once I got to college, and got some mental distance from the bullies, I realized that I don’t care what 99.999+% of people think. If someone tells me I look stupid for wearing X or that I’m dumb for liking Y, guess what? I DON’T CARE!

    The number of people whose opinion I care about varies depending on the subject but it is always kept to a minimum. However, at the same time, I’ll readily accept compliments. So if a blogger were to tell me that my recent post stinks, I’d shrug it off. If, instead, they said it was amazing, I’d feel great. (If Jenny were to say that it was great, I might embarrass myself by shouting out “THE BLOGGESS READ MY BLOG!” but it’d be worth it. 😉 )

    To distill this down to a short Rule For Life:

    – Ignore bad comments by all but a select group whose opinions you trust. Accept good comments from anyone. Good comments from people you trust get a comment multiplier applied to them.

  113. You should also buy more shoes, the world would be a better place if we all had more fun shoes on! Or maybe you could try to become a shoe, but I think a jacket is safer……

  114. cry if you want to. don’t let others tell you it’s not okay.

  116. Keep phones out of the bedroom. Exceptions include if someone like your sister is having a baby or if someone in is the hospital & you can’t be there.

    Tell people you love that you love them before you hang up or leave. It could be the last time you see/ hear them. You really never know (trust me, I know)

    Take a nap. Slacking is underrated. No feeling guilty about it either.

  117. Go to the beach and pretend you are a dolphin. If anyone makes fun of you, call them a shark. They might look at you strangely, but you’ll know that, in your mind, that you are a dolphin, and dolphins are so cool, and can punch the shit out of sharks. But you won’t punch them, because you are just that cool.

  118. When you’re feeling blue….FREAKING DO THE TIME WARP!!! If you are at work (much like myself right now) then do the “portable Time Warp” using only your hands. Its almost as effective, though I will admit, doing the actual Time Warp while at work has the added benefit of making people wary of you, which in turn keeps them away from your desk, which means LESS WORK!!! WIN FOR ALL!!

  119. Spend time with those you like and love, avoid the ones you don’t, and don’t wait. Don’t say “next year” or “when i lose 50 pounds”. just do it now.

  122. Shelley,

    It’s also the best way to get dirty glances (or worse) from your spouse when you hug someone else for no apparent reason. 😉

  123. Rule 1 Part B
    Don’t shoot (or stab) the messenger. As much as you don’t like getting bad news, having to deliver it to multiple people isn’t much more fun. Especially when those people take it out on said messenger, just because they’re there.

  124. Be kind, rewind.

    Breathe.

    If you get the first one you might be old like me. You get to be old by doing the second one pretty regularly.

  125. Who’s in on buying Jenny some more stabby knives? Don’t tell Victor, He’ll worry….

  126. Use your words when possible. Fighting, which often leads to shooting these days, is not the way to end an argument. (Just had this convo with my brother earlier).

    Also, tell the people you love that you do. You can never say it too much.

  127. Thank you I think we all need something like this on a regular basis, excuses to be happy and a nice person.

    One I always try and live by: Avoid being childish but embrace being childlike
    And our geek code: If it’s worth loving, it’s worth knowing absolutely everything about.
    And finally: If your 5 year old self would say you’re being mean, it’s time to take a time out and apologize

  128. Instead of reading “so and so recently posted”…
    I swore I read “so and so was recently stabbed.”

    I thought, wow Jenny, you work fast!

  129. Get on the bandwagon and watch Doctor Who. You won’t regret it. Plus all of the internet jokes will finally make sense and laughter will return to your life.

  130. Don’t discuss religion because we are all just human. And we know nothing for sure. And there is a big difference between drinking the kool aid and making the kool aid.

  131. Try not to judge the people you love. It makes it really hard to love them.

  132. Let go or be dragged (I read that this was said by Buddha himself so it seems even more weighty). Also, I think Alyson and I are spirit cousins. I went as Harriet Beecher Stowe for Halloween in fifth grade and everyone thought I was a pioneer woman. Heathens.

  133. Be kind.
    Wear the red shoes.
    Chances are, people are thinking far less about you than you think they are.
    And my favorite, from the incomparable Maggie Mason: “If you’re worried about someone who dislikes you, first ask yourself whether they’re an asshole. If you don’t like them, and they don’t like you, that’s not a problem. That’s a mutual understanding.”

  134. There’s a T-shirt that says “Misuse of the word literally makes me figuratively insane” I asked for it for Christmas but my family refuses to support proper use of the English language. They might be Russian spies.

  135. Make time for yourself. Don’t just pencil yourself in, use a Sharpie, one of those great big ones that make it look like you’re writing in calligraphy even if you can’t even spell it. Take yourself out for dinner, a movie, whatever, and don’t pressure yourself for sex when you get home even if you spent a lot of money on yourself. Do it just because you love you and want to get to know you better, not because you want to get laid.

  136. Sing songs you learned in second grade. I recommend “Never Smile at a Crocodile.” It makes everyone happy… although they may act as if you’re annoying them but you’re really not so keep singing.

  137. Don’t be afraid to stop being “friends” with someone who isn’t really your friend. It’s better to have 2 really wonderful people in your life than to have 10 that semi-suck.

  138. When you feel a big fart gurgling, go ahead and let it rip. You can always blame it on the dog.

  139. @Sara,

    On the negative side to watching Doctor Who, statues are suddenly frightening.

    On the positive side, playing Red Light, Green Light with my kids is much more awesome when the person saying Red Light/Green Light is The Doctor and the people approaching are Weeping Angels.

  140. You can’t hold a funeral for someone who is still alive. Enjoy the time you have and plan the funeral when they’re actually gone.

  141. This is all spot-on, especially #15.
    I suppose I would add, “It’s never okay to punch your boss even if you really want to”, “if you ever encounter a giant button that says ‘don’t push’, be sure to push it because otherwise you may never know what the button is for and it will plague you forever”, and “never hug a polar bear even if they look like they could use a hug because polar bears are dicks”.

  142. Don’t do anything that you can never tell your child about – even when they are adults.

    Call or visit your elderly parents as often as you can.

    Rid your life of the people & things that do nothing but make you miserable.

  143. Always keep a few people in your life who challenge you to be a better version of yourself.

  144. Be a superhero. Wear your underwear on the outside and go fight crime or traffic tickets. Same difference.

  145. “Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line”!

  146. Life is short. So…
    If you love someone, tell them. (If you hate someone, hell, I don’t know…I’m not here to judge.
    Eat dessert first.
    Stop talking about “guilty pleasures”. Laura Ingalls Wilder, Hall & Oates, reality TV…f*&k it, haters gonna hate.

  147. Just thought of another – NEVER ask a woman if she’s pregnant or when she is due. N – E – V- E – R!

  150. I’m probably not helping at all by saying this, but about number 10, stabby knives can be reused, it’s the throwing ones that never come back to you.

  151. Take a break sometime. It’s better than burning out and never coming back.

  152. This is maybe my favorite blog of yours ever. (It’s a close call, though.) Also the comments. Love love love. Yay love.

    Laura Ingalls Wilder books are the best! And of course they should be in the nonfiction section.

    Sometimes bullies grow up to regret what they’ve done. Sometimes people really DO change. Not always. Not even usually. But enough so that we shouldn’t totally give up hope.

    That’s all I’ve got today.

  153. I have trouble with this one but I’m workin on it
    – learn to accept compliments (even if the little voices in your head say you don’t deserve them and that you really suck. That little voice is literally a douch-canoe and deserves to be stabbed a little)

  154. Pay attention to everything your child does and let him/her know how awesome they are and that they are loved.

    Appreciate your parents because one day they won’t be there and you don’t want to have any regrets.

    Sing and dance along to your favorite songs, loudly and with gusto! I do this in the car and people look at me and wish they were doing the same thing!

  155. Put your head on your knees, squeeze your eyes shut, grit your teeth, clench your fists – then explode outward in joyous gratitude!

  156. @Drew: When people tell you to not look at something (or google something), trust them and don’t look it up! Sometimes, curiosity isn’t worth it. 🙂 So i will remain ignorant about blue waffles. Only wish I had remained ignorant on the human caterpillar. (And follow this rule if you don’t know what that is – remain ignorant for your own well being!)

  157. I strongly dislike #6. The underdog is not automatically right; sometimes they’re the ones who pick the fight on purpose, knowing that as underdogs they’ll gain sympathy.

  158. Say I’m sorry. Sometimes, even when it’s not your fault, it gets the other person to take another look at the situation.

  159. Let the Wookiee win. And make sure you spell Wookiee correctly. I think they rip arms out if you miss the extra E.

  160. Don’t be a shitty friend.. cause I can be pretty shitty when shit on.

  161. Let your freak flag fly and fly it proudly. You are the only you there is and will be. Today have kids that are like you, but they are only part of you. Tell this to your kids and love.them even if they are fat. Ok the last part is about my father and I but it is true.

  162. So, I want to make her my life coach…or I guess, go to some booksigning with her followed by kidnapping her and taking her to a bar until she gets super smashed so she can tell me how awful I am to my face until I cry, and then, she cries and holds me in her arms and rocks me until I fall asleep, where she will then kiss me on the forehead and tuck me into bed.

  163. USE the good china
    also the nice purse, the good shoes, and all that. if you are not going to use them, sell them and buy something you will use.

    if you do need to literally stab someone, remember that Hog farms will get rid of the evidence.

  164. – Give yourself a break once in a while. You can only do so much. So when people make you feel bad about yourself, don’t let them tear you down. Walk away

    -Stop comparing yourself to the Joneses. They probably aren’t happy all the time either. You don’t need to be perfect or have everything. Just try to be you.

    -Don’t think everyone hates you when you’re in a bad mood. You’re just in a bad mood. It will pass.

    -If you want to sit & watch a whole season of Gossip Girl because it makes you happy, then do it.

    – Laugh. A LOT. Watch a lot of comedies, read funny books.

    -Drink a lot of wine. But not for breakfast, no one wants you drunk at carpool.

    (can you tell I’ve been in a depressed mood? I’m trying to come up with my own ways to silence all the anger & negativity that’s been emanating around & from me lately).

  165. Think for yourself, even if it’s hard to be alone amongst the sheep.

    *This was a great post. I literally laughed out loud, not figuratively. 🙂

  167. My mom’s favorite rule for like is: Never eat lunch where they sell bait.

  168. 12b. Embrace your flaws and foibles. If people make fun of you, kick them in the back and then blame it on a ghost.

    The best!

  169. Keep commenting on The Bloggess site even though she completely did you wrong by not sending you a book.

  170. Remember that its always a good day if the mirror fogs up when you breathe on it.

  171. Be kind. Be considerate.

    Unless you’ve reached your limit. The be a scary bitch so everyone will leave you alone.

  172. I just printed this out to hang in my office. Seriously considering moving it to replace the name plate outside my door.

  173. Be vulnerable every once and awhile. Let down your guard. Even if an arrow flies through that opening the moment you do, you’ll recover from it. Take a chance that instead of arrows piercing your insides, it’ll be love and compassion healing your broken bones. Be. Vulnerable.

  174. when you apologize, say you’re sorry. Really mean it, and make eye contact.

  175. Don’t feel bad if your kids are hungry, its’ time they learn to cook for themselves anyways.

  176. I love the x on the forehead idea! Very cutting edge and would help others avoid the Assholes! Brilliant!

  177. Use the word “foibles” more often. It’s highly underutilized!

    I am also obsessed with Laura Ingalls. I ALMOST had the chance to see where she lived in SD. I’ve been very annoyed I didn’t get to ever since! I would love to climb in your brain for a few minutes since you probably know much more about her life than I do at this point.

  178. When wearing shoes and socks, they don’t HAVE to go on in that order.
    Peanut butter side down, or the jelly will soak through.
    “Don’t be a dick.” Wheaton’s Law.
    “The principle that at a constant temperature the volume of a confined ideal gas varies inversely with its pressure” Boyle’s law
    “Shredded cabbage, shredded carrots and dressing” Cole’s Law

  179. I recently had a discussion with one of my best friends, regarding how to be yourself in a world trying to make you someone else. Her response was full of true, serious stuff, somewhat boring but still good advice, and she ended with “and if other people don’t like it then chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on”

    I want “chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on” cross stitched onto a pillow. Or stenciled on the back of my hitting-people frying pan. Either way.

  180. This is something that popped into my head the other day and I can’t let it go. Ready?

    Everyone comes into your life for a reason. If there’s a person in your life that you CAN’T STAND, learn the lesson you are supposed to learn from them and MOVE ON. Drop ’em like a hot potato. Burn rubber.

    I’ve been trying to implement this in my own life!

  183. It’s easier to eat crow warm. If you owe and apology, pay it. You’ll feel better having it behind you, as will others. It’s empowering and NOT a sign of weakness.

  184. My dad always told me it’s more important to love what you do for a living than to have a job you hate where you make a lot of money.

  186. “5. Flush the toilet behind you. You’re grossing us all out.”

    I do!…but sometimes it hasn’t gone and I haven’t noticed 🙁

    (then boyfriend gets cross…)

  187. Go with your gut. If something feels off, there’s a good chance something’s wrong.

    Read whatever you want. Don’t let people tell you YA books are for kids, etc.

    Write stuff down. Granted I get some of my best ideas in the shower so it’s hard to write down. But I’ve got post it notes everywhere of things to do, not do, organize, or just random ideas.

    Smile. Just smile.

  189. Always leave the dance with the guy you came with … unless he’s a psychopath or has bad halitosis or picks his teeth or wears a necklace with ears threaded on it … you get the idea.
    Never be afraid to swear. If the occasion calls for blue-tinged language, use it. It makes you feel good to release that pent up stress and anger through words while scaring away uptight wads. Two gifts in one!
    When your favourite song comes on, sing along at the top of your lungs. Even if you don’t know the words and are standing in the middle of a shopping centre or in a crowded elevator. You might just start a sing-a-long and meet some other twisted, bizarre people.

  190. Get as many Anchorman quotes into each day as you can!!

  192. Try to commit some senseless acts of beauty along with the ones of random kindness. It’s harder to do those than it looks.

    My sister-in-law has three rules for her kids when they go anywhere on their own:

    1. Be safe.
    2. Make good decisions.
    3. Keep track of your shit.

  194. Your childlike enthusiasm for being a jacket or whatever makes me happy enough to cry. I wish there were more people like you to remind us that we can be ourselves and whatever we are is okay.

  195. 20) Knit small sweaters for taxidermy animals. Silly, frivolous and guaranteed to bring a smile to an awesome woman’s face. ^_^

  196. I’d put as #A be awesome and alive – as I was suicidal and was almost very selfish and stupid this past weekend. I am getting my help but I want to say to y’all: BE AWESOME AND ALIVE!!

    I apologize for the screaming but for “Gods sake Live”? My new motto

  197. Find someone that needs you, like someone in a nursing home with ALS, or someone with a child that is in need of a heart transplant (those are my two, find your own). Then when you feel the world doesn’t need you anymore, or it’s been a horrible day and you hate yourself, mail that person a postcard, or some coloring books or a gift card to Arby’s ….whatever. Because then you will have done one good thing that day, and you can think about how happy that person will be to get mail. And you will feel you did one good thing that day, so maybe you had better stick around because maybe no one else will remember to mail that postcard, or coloring book or gift card. It’s their gift to ME. If I’ve had a great week, I still send something, but once a week, at least, I know I’ve done something for someone else. Find someone, or someone’s, one thing and you can say “See, you aren’t so bad.”

    Also don’t always read the comments on blog posts, and “don’t be a dick”

    http://yankeeskeptic.com/2013/05/06/dont-be-a-dick-unless-your-name-is-william-or-why-i-often-dont-read-the-comments/

  198. Where were you when I was cold!?!?

    :)) You make me smile. Thank you!

  199. “Don’t nitpick” and “Don’t obsessively correct everyone else’s grammar” are not on your list, so I’d like to point out that #10 should read “limited number of knives” or, perhaps, “limited amount of cutlery.”

  200. Rule #mumblecough : Saddle your own horse. This isn’t just about equine sports, folks. Make sure you’re doing everything you can for yourself, because then you know you *can* do it which is awesome.

    Rule #mumblecough+1 : If you get bucked off, dust yourself off and get back on. Mistakes, oopses, slipups, and bad rides are a part of life. Getting back on tells the world (and gravity) that it can’t beat you for long.

  201. eat chocolate. daily. period. it fixes everything, even the stuff that ain’t broke!

  202. #28 dont just watch on the sidelines ACT. If you see someone burying a body, help them dont watch them thats how friends are made

  203. Give yourself permission to like what you like regardless of what others think of it…and give that permission to others.

  204. This was a posted letter from a mom to her kids on what she wants for Mother’s day and it is the best list I have ever seen, well until I read YOUR!! 🙂 It is actually much longer but I didn’t want to take up too much space so I just picked a few of the best -find the whole letter on FB, everyone is sharing it LOL

    I want you to be a decent human being.
    I want you to be who you are, but don’t be an asshole.
    I want you to ask for help when you need it.
    I want you to help others when they need it.
    When you screw up, and you will, more than once, I want you to own it, because it’s the screw-ups that make the victories sweeter.
    I want you to play nicely with others.
    I want you to feed your curiosity.
    I want you to respect every human being’s right to be who they are.
    I want you to sometimes be more interested in someone else than in yourself.
    I want you to know that you are flawed and you are extraordinary. There is no one else like you.
    I want you to know love, even if it means getting hurt.
    I want you to know life can be brutally hard sometimes.
    I want you to know that you can choose happiness even when the dark side offers you cookies.

  205. My favorite is to dance like no one’s watching. I do that often, everywhere.
    Pick up the shit your dog makes. They don’t know how to use a toilet and it’s gross.
    If you feel like staying in bed all day watching movies and tv series, then do it.
    Be with the man or woman that makes you swoon when you think about them, especially if it’s been longer than 8 months.
    Masturbate. Frequently.
    Lastly, don’t leave the wash in the machine over night. Mildew smells really bad.

  206. Rule 21.2) Don’t always be so dead set on wearing pants…I hate those things

    Rule alpha) Stop holding a grudge against Canada…They can’t even remember what you were so mad about in the first place

  207. Don’t compare yourself to others, or you’ll never be happy! I think it was Einstein (don’t wrote me, and I am too busy to check lol) that said something like “everyone is a genius. if you judge a fish by its ability to fly it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid.”

    Also my personal rules to help me with my anxiety: if there is something I can do about it, then do it, and if not (try to) let it go. And sometimes it’s okay to just avoid situations that you know will cause you anxiety.

  208. I wish I could like comments because man you guys are great! And Imperfect Jessica – Yes For God’s sake LIVE! Glad you choose life!!!!

  210. The word douche-canoe makes me admire you even more. Thank you for this post.

  211. Don’t read all of the Bloggess’s comments because you will be a year older when you are done.

    Don’t lose hope that you can teach your dog to talk. Because you KNOW he can.

    Don’t freak out if a woman in rollers jumps on your back and asks you to zip her up, she just thinks you’re cold.

  212. “If you can’t fuck it, and it doesn’t dance, eat it or throw it away.” ? Pat Cadigan

  214. If you are going to pee into the wind, at least call it air-drying. That way you look cool and hip, instead of just silly and wet.

  215. Pick something you’re afraid of and conquer it. Enlist friends to help you. Repeat once a year.

  216. Glad to hear there are others who love Laura Ingalls! Back in 6th grade i made my family stop at the Laura Ingalls-Wilder museum in South Dakota on a road trip.. I thought it was the most amazing thing ever.. Everyone i’ve ever told about the stop has told me i’m very, very odd and wonders why that would be any fun/interesting. Losers.

  217. I want to send you a Lowe’s gift card to cover the spray paint for #8.

    my rule (it’s taken me about 40 yrs to learn this one) “do something for yourself. do it often. do it before you do things for other people.”

  219. Say no when you need to. Really, it’s ok.
    Sing. Loudly. Bonus points if you can’t actually sing.

  220. These are all really true but seriously the toilet flushing one. Honestly why is that rocket science.

  221. This is a GREAT list – especially needed #8 for my boss. Only thing I would would be the words from Dave Grohl – “Go and suck” (which means just go and try something)

    Thank you!

  222. Find other people that love Laura Ingalls as much as you do, so you can all geek out over her together.
    Jill, you have been talking to losers, cause if you told me that story I would be so excited about it.

  223. If you feel like you need to scream at a loved one, give them a hug and a kiss first. If you still feel like screaming at them, they probably deserve it (except babies – babies never deserve it).

  224. You’re the best! Like not the best at everything, no offense, but the best at making me smile with a blog. And so much of what you say just hits home. Thanks

  226. Nap. Naps rock.

    Listen to Great Big Sea very loudly.

    Snuggle with the kitties.

    Let the gas go. It’s not healthy to keep it in.

    Great post, kitten.

  227. If you don’t want to grow up, don’t grow up. Too many grown ups give up on their dreams of childhood.

    Speaking of….Never give up on your childhood dreams. Just because you may never be an astronaut doesn’t mean you should love the stars. And Star Trek. And especially Wil Wheaton.

  230. SHOULDN’T love the stars.

    Which brings me to one more rule – always reread before you post.

  231. Remember that strength isn’t always a physical thing.

    Thanks for this. It made my day 🙂

  232. Always assume that “warranty work” on your car that takes a long time means that they are installing a jet engine, missile launchers, and rocket boosters*. Because then your Toyota goes from “Meh, it’s a Toyota” to “Me and my badass Toyota are going to take over the world!!! Bow in fear of my Toyota!!!!”

    * I don’t know what rocket boosters are, but no one really does. I assume that they come from a place that all assume doesn’t exist like Narnia, Middle Earth, or Tulsa.

  235. Be the awesome, crazy, fun loving, aunt or uncle, or cousin, or friend…… teach the youth of today it’s okay to be that way, teach them to laugh, to sing loudly, to glow from the inside. It makes for a sparkley future

    There is way too much seriousness in the world, and we are forgetting how to grow up with laughter

  236. Find someone who “gets you and your sense of humor” and enjoy life!!!
    Don’t compare your life to others. They may seem to have the perfect “x” but if they are in debt up to their eyeballs then is it really worth it?

  239. 21) Stop worrying. It’s not as bad as you imagine it to be. I mean, it probably is that bad, but worrying about it isn’t going to make it any better. Just… okay?

  241. Let a kitten lick ice cream off of your nose. You will forget whatever it was you were worrying about. Unless what you were worrying about was whether cats are lactose intolerant.

  242. Be a strong enough person to hang on when your friends are going through a hard time. Don’t dump people for being imperfect. Value EVERYONE more, both yourself and everyone else. This human thing is hard and not a single one of us is doing it perfectly.

  243. Best. List. Ever! I want it on a shirt so I can wear it and remind myself to do all these things…

  244. Be weird. Everyone is weird in someway. Discover what makes you weird and embrace the living shit out of i.

  245. If someone says something really truly awesome, and you admire them for it, SAY SO! (I consider this an extension of “attitude of gratitude.”)

    Hey, Jenny? You’re awesome – thank you for being you! The world is a helluvalot more interesting with you in it. (I feel like I should send your parents flowers.)

  246. 21. If you’re having writer’s block – start a list.
    22. If you’re frustrated with your child, don’t put him up for sale on Craigslist because the posting will be taken down in minutes by the moderators and you will have spent all that time writing up a description for nothing THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

  247. Love love love this Jenny! It made me smile today when I had some people make me (a pretty happy person most of the time) sad by being shitty. THANK YOU!

  248. Take the “do not remove” labels off mattresses. Because if the feds are going to take you down, you might as well go down fighting!

  249. Lick your kids when the urge strikes (but when they get old enough to object, warn them first.)

  251. 20. Don’t lick anything at the post office.
    21. Never underestimate the value of three extra seconds of eye contact for good or evil.
    22. Practice unhooking your bra one-handed, twirling it over your head, and slinging it backwards so that it flies across the room and loops *precisely* over the top of a lamp — so that anytime the opportunity arises, you’re ready.
    23. Never say “I love you” when you don’t mean it, and never fail to say it when you do.
    24. Pick a theme song. Change it when you need to.
    25. Don’t put vegetables into dessert. Ever.

  252. PS: I love your list. I am in the middle of making up a list like that myself. Well, it’s different. But it’s similar. Hell, I make no sense. I’m not stealing your list or anything. It’s different. Ack. Now I sound like a crazed robot-head stealer.

    And speaking of stealing:

    PSS: There’s something very The Bloggess about JRose’s Don’t Eat Babies coming right before LisaR@WhoStoleMyBaby. It’s disturbing. But this is probably the only place on earth or the internet where that makes me laugh rather than call 911.

  254. stay away from people who bring toxicity into your environment. It is easier to prevent a mess than it is to clean up afterwards…

  257. Look away when your dog eats poop.
    Keep trying to avoid sugar, no matter how unsuccessful you are, because you WILL crash and burn and feel more depressed than before.
    Step away from the computer and go get some sun. Do it. Now.
    Give generously because God will open the floodgates of heaven and pour out the blessings and it’s impossible to out-give God.
    Stop typing lists in the dark on your iPhone because you can’t sleep and are afraid you’ll wake your husband. Go to sleep. Do it. Now.

    🙂

  258. Another Rule
    Stop bragging about being busy. It’s not a contest, and if it was, it’d be a really shitty one, cause the prize is just stress and heartburn.

  259. These are the 2 my mom taught me.

    1. Pain is unavoidable. Misery is optional.
    2. Homicide not suicide.

    She also babbles something about wearing pants but I ignore that one. 🙂

  261. Be as quick to share praise and positive comments as you are to share criticism and negative comments.

    Everytime you start to hate technology, remember technology is what allowed you to discover Dr. Who.

    Treat life like you are already living in heaven. Because when you die, you could be going to hell, so technically – you are.

    For those who met and married young – if your relationship starts faltering, don’t go on a date that costs tons by eating at an expensive restaurant, going to prime time entertainment, and going to a posh hotel. Instead go to a fast food joint and then on a walk around a park, and then spend the night on a futon in a cheap rented room. Because that is probably more reminiscent of the environment in which you fell in love – and had the best sex!!

  262. 21. enjoy hugs
    22. eat ice cream
    23. roll down a hill without free of rolling in poop
    24. laugh a lot and laugh loud when necessary
    25. enjoy the warm breezes
    26. sing loud and sing often especially in the shower
    27. forgive people and yourself
    28. don’t believe everything you read
    29. but do believe in yourself
    30. be your own best friend

  263. What is it with the word, ‘literally’ being used that way all of the time? When did that start? A few years ago a friend pointed out how most people use it when really the mean, ‘figuratively,’ like you said, and ever since then I notice it everywhere!

  264. 12b is mighty awesome!

    The only thing I would add is if you can be a unicorn, well always be a unicorn.

  265. Break into rad dance moves at key moments to maximize your teenaged kid’s embarrassment.

    – It’s fun. Literally.

  270. Don’t pick your zits. Because you’ll end up with cellulitis on your face and your cheek will look like a rotting orange.

  271. My favorite motto a coworker told me: When life gets hard, treat it like a penis and ride it. Heh.. makes me giggle and that always makes things a little better. 😉

  273. Thank you for this list. I needed to smile right about now.

    Don’t be afraid to pull over, turn up the music and dance and sing with your kids like a concert! Those are some of the things they will remember the most:)
    Every single time we share a smile we have the chance to turn around someone else’s day!

  275. Number 8 is my favorite, yes, a red X on the bullies!

    Another rule: Don’t make jokes on Twitter about rape, because actual rape survivors read those and it wounds them. I know these assholes think they’re being oh-so-edgy, and women do it too, to try to seem cool to the guys, but I don’t think having a metal rod rip your organs apart internally and dying from it is funny. I’m referring to the the young woman in India recently, I don’t think her family would think rape jokes are cool and edgy. Or your future daughters either, douchebags.

    I know these guys are not all rapists, but it creates a culture where it seems okay, even cool.

    Ditto for Pedophila jokes and violence against children humor, yuck.

    Don’t start cruel hashtags like “anorexia lol” because that’s a disease that can kill precious people.

    In short, don’t be cruel. You can be edgy and funny without being cruel, read The Bloggess. XO

  276. Read “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie. But only if you want to stop suffering, being depressed, being angry, being frightened, and being alone.

  277. I think 9 should be 9-12 and repeat :P. It’s a fair list. Here’s one you missed from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. “Be excellent to each other.”

  279. If Love is all that there is

    (and it is)

    then you have to cut out what’s irking you

    or figure out what it’s really doing there in the first place

  281. I am so glad that “douche-canoe” is gaining ground. I love that phrase so hard. I want to point at strangers and shout it across rooms.

    My Submission:
    Be yourself. Pretending to be someone you’re not, is hard and shady. Let it go, let your freak flag fly.

  285. JENNY! AND FELLOW COMMENTERS – I loved every single word I read (and yes, I’ve read all the comments!). These are definitely THE rules for life!

  286. Some “rules” I’d like to add:

    a) Read what Jenny Lawson writes. It will make you feel better.
    b) Recognize when you’ve fucked up and apologize to the appropriate people, including possibly yourself.
    c) Put a time limit on self-pity parties; it could always, always be worse.
    d) Listen to kids. Don’t do what they say, but do listen to them. They’ve got some funny ideas.
    e) Treating yourself with “loving kindness” may sound like a bunch of hokey hooey, but do it anyway.
    f) When doing the dishes is just too hard, put them inside the oven to hang out for a while. Tell them it’s a secret clubhouse that only dirty dishes can enter. Then take pride in how clean and tidy you made your kitchen.

  287. If you don’t mean it don’t say it. This goes for nice things & not nice things & most of all invitations.

  288. Practice radical honesty once in a while. Just to see the look on the other persons face.

  289. My dad always says…well he has a lot of sayings but..’It’s better to make people happy where you go than when you go.”

  290. Learn the proper usage of “your” and “you’re” because until then I will think less of you when you misuse them. And you are probably a good person but I can’t get past my initial thought of “Wow, what a moron”.

  291. Embarrass your children in public from time to time. It shows them you are human and it makes them laugh.

  293. I’ve always been fond of:
    Run like you stole it.

    And I like to tell my niece and nephew:

    It’s only illegal if you get caught:)

  295. Jenny, this list is a perfect example of why I am a loyal reader of your blog. <3

    My rule #21:
    When channel surfing, ALWAYS stop if you find Anchorman. Even if you're in a glass case of emotion. You'll feel better, I promise.

    Also. I did a book report/scene recreation in 5th grade as L.I. complete with construction-paper leeches taped to my legs. 🙂

  296. Take time to enjoy the silliness of life.

    Dance along with your favorite song when they play it in a store.

    Go to the zoo. Or the beach. Or take a walk. Your work will always be waiting when you come back.

    I lost my husband four weeks ago today and I truly wish that we had followed those rules more often. Thank you so much Bloggess and tribe for giving me things to smile about.

  297. Ask for help when you need it. You’re worth it.
    Admit your mistakes. Then you can fix them faster.

  298. Find out the correct definition of “poop deck.” DO NOT JUST ASSUME!

  299. Never pass up a chance to pee in a comfortable and clean restroom. Even if you don’t think you have to go. You’ll always regret it later.

  300. I recently figured out that I am much happier if I treat myself like a four year old. (And I do mean a four year old that I am fond of.) I need naps. I need a snack. I enjoy juice. I don’t enjoy watching the news. I should be reminded to wear a sweater, and it might help if that sweater had a note pinned on it explaining where I am supposed to be right now.

  301. * make friends with chuck norris
    * make assholes aware that you are friends with chuck norris, and he will find them if they persist in their assholian ways.

    *join the unicorn success club.

    * run from vampire babies. Theyll suck the life out of you. Literally.

    * your weaknesses may actually exist so your strengths can shine

  303. People are a lot like books. It’s hard to tell which ones are real & which ones are fake. Keep the real ones… Boobs and people.

  306. Don’t use apostrophes for plurals. No, really. Correct use of apostrophe will get you laid.

  307. If the cat has kittens in the oven, it doesn’t make them biscuits…

    No…I don’t know what the fuck it means either, but my Grandfather stopped every argument in it’s tracks with this gem, so it’s gotta be worthy of a list!

  308. Take care of your teeth and your toes.
    Have faith in karma.
    There is enough bad stuff out there, don’t add to it and don’t get sucked down by it.
    Always answer when your mom calls. One day she won’t ever again and that is a very sad day. Always always answer.

  309. It’s ok to be scared. But when you find the things and people in life that it’s worth being brave for, then put on your big girl/ boy panties and be brave.

  310. Have a theme song for the really hard days. Mine is “Put One Foot in Front of the Other” from Santa Claus is Coming to Town:) I haven’t taken to singing it out loud……yet:)))

  313. Don’t automatically assume that someone who is different than you is stupid. They may have perfectly good reasons for talking/thinking/acting the way they do, so try to consider that before you write them off.

  314. Don’t scare the livestock.
    Hubby uses that as an description of my brother. As in, “The problem with him is he scares the livestock.”

  317. If somebody, even a complete stranger, has something stuck in their teeth—tell them. Same goes for toilet paper stuck on their shoe or if their dress is tucked up in their pantyhose.
    On that last one, ask them why they’re wearing pantyhose, cuz pantyhose are torture devices and make you all hot and stuff.

  318. For adults: if you are stuck trying to solve a personal or professional problem, ask a second or third grader for help. Chances are their solutions will either inspire you or simply be the best solution.

    Remember that kids don’t have the fucked up filters that we adults have and they often speak the truth we are afraid to admit to ourselves. Plus, their creativity often puts ours to shame, unless you’re the Bloggess.

    If you can’t find a second or third grader for help, ask the Bloggess. She will always give an awesome solution. Even if the solution is buying a big metal chicken or a slightly ratty mounted boars head.

  319. Require as much from the people you let into you life as you require of yourself (and don’t learn why that’s important the wrong way)

    Forgive yourself and remember why you have to

    Know that just because you forgave someone doesn’t mean you have to ever see them again (some people are just bad for you on a number of levels)

    Find what makes you happy and do that, a lot (unless its a crime or hurts other people cuz then you kind of suck)

    Sometimes it’s ok to stay in bed

    Is also ok if you don’t wear pants on occasion cuz really life is just better that way

  320. Jenny – I’d totally buy this t-shirt:
    Chuckitinthefuckitbucket
    and move on

    I, too, find this to be one of my favorite posts of yours, and the tribe’s comments are priceless.

  321. If you’ve got to bury a body, please bury them deep. (This was advice given over dinner once with my friend’s forensic pathologist dad… I’ve never forgotten it.)

  322. The list, as well as the comments, are outstanding.

    I have a group of friends, whom I have daily contact with. We met on a Little House on the Prairie message board about 12 years ago. Mind you, this was before it was even “acceptable” to say you met people online – since everyone thought that the only thing it was good for was sex chat rooms. Wait, people don’t think that anymore, DO THEY?

    🙂

  323. Love the list … and all the subsequent truths from the tribe. More than one has made me snort.
    That’s a good thing.

  324. I love the rules…
    Mine are: No one remembers what you say, but how you made them feel (Maya Angelio) (spelled wrong)
    and…
    Hate them back, it works for me (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon)
    and….
    “Don’t start nothin’ there won’t be nothin’ (Will Smith Men in Black).
    and mine…”are you really, seriously, goin’ go with that opinion, all by yourself?”

  326. Spend your time doing the things you love with those you love because as we all know, “People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.”

  328. Don’t pet unicorns in dark alleys…because they probably *aren’t* unicorns, and even if they *are* unicorns, you could injure yourself on the pointy bits.

    Oh, and be kind to yourself, you are the person you have to spend the most time with.

  329. only floss the teeth you want to keep.
    ask if anyone else at the table is still hungry before you take the last pancake in a stack.

  330. I have one for you… Don’t punch your boss, no matter what. It’s not worth getting fired. Unless you have another job lined up and it’s your last day, then go for it.

  331. you said, “foibles!” That’s one of my all-time favorite words….right up there with furbelows. Now, you really are my heroine….because you know cool words and can used them in a sentence correctly.

    that was rule 12B….and since there’s no 13, I shall offer it to you as the bridging rule between 12-12B and 14:

    13. Speak your mind the way your mind speaks to you; never be afraid of what you have to say or the way you have to say it.

    there. i said it.

  332. I am reading Little House in the Big Woods RIGHT NOW! It is falling apart because my set is 30 years old but I love it and just last week I decided to reread the whole series. They are just as magical as I remember. Makes me want to go blow up a pig’s bladder and play catch with my sisters.

  333. Don’t care what other people/the neighbors think, just go out and do it!

  334. Thank you! I needed to see this list today. You’re amazing Jenny!

  335. Don’t fuck up your mother’s mother’s day & birthday by getting yourself a crisis intake in a psychiatric hospital and only telling her when your bagage is made and there’s no way back – just cause you (so wrongly 🙁 ) distrusted her reaction.

  336. say fuck it and stay in your pajamas all day because you can!!!
    (Thanks for this post I needed it today!!! Climbing out of the dark baby climbing out of the dark!)

  337. I LOVE Laura Ingalls! I read the original books a jillion (literally!) times when I was growing up, then actually read the histories and the biographies and tried to get my wife to go to the Rocky Ridge House when we crossed Missouri by car (she wouldn’t go for it)… I even read some of Rose Wilder Lane’s books about what happened later. When I was in sixth grade, I would wear floor-length pioneer dresses in defiance of mid-70’s fashion…

    BTW, you make eBay very entertaining.

  338. First of all I must admit I haven’t read this blog as often as I used to (I blame the baby). Second, I’ve rarely read it without laughing – or reeeeeaaally feeling something important. Which brings me to the rules.
    1. coffee helps lots of situations but drinking wine out of my knock knock metal chicken coffee mug is the cure all.

  339. Respect your elders. And listen to them. They’ve survived because they are smart.

  341. It’s okay to be wrong or sorry. But be sure to admit when you are either to those that it matters to.

  342. Oh yeah, I left these out:

    – Don’t read social media sites when you’re down, they’ll only make you angry
    -Don’t criticize comedians on twitter for jokes they make, their crazy fans will make you want go zombie and eat them.
    -Let loose the people who break your heart.
    -Find your spirit animal & consult them often. Mine is Joan Jett, I try to think in crappy times what would Joan do, then I rock out.

  343. I guess I usually post as Jen, but sometimes as Charli.

    I seem to have sort of issue with what my name is.

  345. If the person talking to you is saying a lot of bullshit and you know it. Just walk away or have the balls to call them on it then walk away smiling

  346. Don’t complain about all the stuff you didn’t get done because you were holding your sleeping child. Treasure the moment.

  347. The only person you can’t escape is yourself. So be your best damn friend – EVER. All the rest will follow.

  348. I gave my daughter two bits of advice when she turned 12. Well, I gave her more than that but these 2 bits held up through her teenage years well enough. 1) Do not break the skin and 2) If what you’re about to do will get you a guest shot on Jerry Springer or Maury do you REALLY need to do it?
    Your list is really good by the way. I may re-blog it, giving you full credit of course : )

  349. Try reading These is my Words: The Diary of Sarah Agnes Prine, 1881-1901 by Nancy Turner.(the first in the trilogy) Laura Ingalls for grown-ups.

  350. If someone is not willing to help themselves, maybe you shouldn’t help them either.

    Dance in public to hip hop music even if it embarrasses your kids. Especially if it embarrasses your kids.

  351. Where’s the 13th rule? What, is 12 the coolest kid in his class so he gets a part A and B, and poor 13 is at the back of the class sitting behind the kid who picks his nose and disposes of the evidence in various gross ways? Geez, Jenny, where’s the love?

  352. When interviewing for a new job find out who the REAL boss is (office manager, boss’s wife, secretary, ect). Then decide if you can work for THAT person.

  353. Write down funny things you hear (especially from your children). Read them back later when you are sad.

  354. When lecturing our 5 year old at dinner (who at the moment was being quite contrary) we found a new rule, “Don’t be a douchebag”.

    Rule #2 – Don’t even try to explain douchebag to a 5 year old.

  356. I LOVE it! I’m copying this, and editing it, for my kids (10 &8). Because they need to know that life is serious AND silly, but they don’t need to know what a “douche-canoe” is… yet. ;^)

    My rule: Use as many commas as you want, but only when they make sence, unless you like being confusing, if that’s the case, don’t expect me to read it!

  357. It’s really none of your business what other people think about you. But it is really important what you think of your self.

    Don’t worry so much. It’s a waste of time you could spend doing things that make you happy.

    Stretch everyday. Your older body will thank you.

    Wear sunscreen. Skin cancer sucks.

    Find a hobby. Everyone needs to create something.

  358. I personally want to be a jacket omg I can just imagine this scenario the 80 year old lady that lives 2 doors down hopping on her back and saying zip me up you look cold perfect. will you bail me out of jail?

  359. Don’t fart on someone else’s fun. I tell my kids this when they are about to ruin a moment.

  360. Find something you LOVE, like mor than anything in else in the world. Maybe it’s God, or your family, or Fruity Pebbles, or sniffing crack. Whatever, find one thing you LOVE more than anything else… and refuse to use the word ‘love’ for anything that doesn’t rise up to it. Not only does it put things in perspective, but it makes the thing you love that much more special.

    And always wave to the car behind you when they let you in. Hell, wave at them even if you’re not sure if they did it intentionally. Better safe than sorry. Just wave. At least then they know you’re not on your cell phone.

  361. I can’t decide if I love 12 or 12b more… they are both tremendous, and something I need to challenge myself to do more often. I love you, Jenny!

  362. this really is one of the best lists, ever. others said some (hell, maybe all) of the following additions:

    never pass up the opportunity to be outrageously silly with your children in public. (be comfortable enough to laugh at yourself and find your inner child in front of complete strangers and maybe the cops -unless you live in kern county in which case the cops would shoot you for no valid reason.)

    be kind to others (and animals) unless the ‘others ‘are complete, arrogant arseholes or ravenous grizzlies looking for a quick bite).

    question the motives of anyone who hates unicorns and cats and taxidermied animals.

    keep your word. unless it is ‘motherfucker’ and then give it away, liberally. (kidding)

  363. Eat cake icing. Straight from the can.

    Play with silly putty and let people wonder.

    Smile even when it hurts.

  364. Find the joy. Even if you’re doing something you’re not good at – find the joy in being able to do, being around people while you do it, acting silly while you do it – whatever it takes just find the joy. Life’s too short not to.

    Do something that makes you feel good about you – makes you feel sexy, proud, hot – something that you’re proud of – that awesome shirt you saw last week, those kick arse shoes with spikes on them, that body piercing you’ve wanted or that tattoo you day dream about, that wicked hairstyle – just do it and let yourself feel awesome because you are. And if you feel it and embrace it – you’ll exude it.

  366. If finances permit, over-tip waitstaff, delivery-persons and other service-personnel. For theirs is an often thankless, but (if we’re honest) essential job.

  367. Forgive yourself first.

    Sing with your children, especially the songs your parents loved. My daughter and I belt out “Pink Houses” every time it comes on.

    Read the books your friends love.

    Chase life’s vultures away with all stabby things you can find.

    Jump in the rain puddles.

  369. Stop worrying so much about what other people think. Do whatever the hell you want to do, and don’t sweat the other opinions. You wanna wear neon pink pants? Do it! Wanna paint your house purple? Go ahead. Get the idea?

  371. 1. Try hard not to worry about what everyone thinks of you. It just stresses you out

    2. Be quirky. Be athletic. Be whatever it is you want and don’t change for anyone or apologize for it.

    3. It’s OK to not like or respect your boss

    4. Hug an animal daily

    5. Indulge in crappy food when needed and don’t feel guilty about it

    6. A smile goes a long way

    I echo the manners thing because its important.

    Tell your parents you love them. They aren’t going to be around forever.

  372. Hold a door for someone, just because you were there first, let them go first.. life is too short not to enjoy it, take your time.

  373. Follow all of the above and all comments that follow! Victor will just shake his head like my husband!does to me! Don’t judge, is so totally sucks! But do find humor in all that you do, be nice and give back
    as best you can!!1 When all else fails, pray to James Garfield, he will never let you down!!! Or go to back Wine Slushie!!! It can;t help!

  374. If you’re not happy, change something. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.

  375. Love Jenny Lawson, because anyone who could start the internet on an awesome list like this is totally worth it. And she’s laugh till you pee your pants funny, too.

  376. Jenny, I love this, I love your blog, I love you, what a perfect post. You are a poet and a comedian and a gigantic inspiration in my life.

  377. Rule: Feed the cats before you go to bed.

    Or they will use their MEGAPHONE voices to wake you up at 5:00 a.m. And hubby will get up to yell at them and trip over wife’s shoes and the cats will suddenly find out that they can fly. Which only keeps them away from the door for like 5 minutes before they are back meowing meowing meowing. The moral is, a cat will always have more perseverance than you. I mean, what else do they have to do in the morning when they get to sleep all day.

  378. Always take time to watch funny cat videos.

    Never feed your dog pineapple juice.

    Keep a pair of sneakers under your desk and a toothbrush in your glove compartment — just in case.

  379. This is brilliant, Jenny! I’d like to add:

    * Always do what you can, when you can… and never push yourself to do more than that. It’s great to help, but you should never forget that you’re just as important, wonderful & precious as whomever you’re helping. Plus, sometimes helping less in the short-term means helping more in the longer-term.

    * Remember that a parent is less about how many beds in the house than how many souls in their heart. This goes for mothers and for fathers and applies also to people who may never have biologically conceived or carried a pregnancy to term. (Sorry, on my mind a lot just now!)

  381. Find your “Victor” and don’t let go (finding someone who humors you is 99.99% of the battle).

    Kids are toys, so use them as such. If you don’t have your own, borrow some. I am currently soliciting my friend’s children to enter into mutton busting races or beauty pageants.

  382. Be wary of anyone who uses the words “always” or “never” – they are trying to scare you or they’re trying to sell you something.

  383. Face the direction you’re going. Literally and figuratively.

  385. If someone says that you’re too smart to be their friend, believe them if they are’t laughing.

    Don’t be ashamed to love the weirdest things passionately.

  386. Stop having bullshit rules that apply sometimes and are the exact wrong thing in others

  387. Totally down with the Laura Ingalls thing; it is not strange at all. Much

  388. You don’t have to ride the truck all the way to the dump to know where it’s going.

  391. Dang Gina,
    I should be reading these to my kids every day.
    My ‘Lil Man is shitty, literally.
    My ‘Lil Miss doesn’t flush,….EVER.
    ….and so on and so forth.

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

  392. Try not to judge. Especially when google-ing the word “coprophagy” for a homework problem. What ever two or more consenting adults like to do is their business, but REALLY? REALLY? Sorry. . . I did say TRY not to judge. I’m working on that one.

    Science is awesome. Learn about and do more science. Need a place to start: baking soda + vinegar volcano. Now go make a mess and learn.

    I love #17. Even if it’s just a smile, do something nice for a perfect stranger!

  393. I’m sure someone has already said this, but my attention span is complete shit right now.

    It’s okay to cry. In fact, it’s important, so cry. It flushes out your eyes. You might want to try to do this one at home, but really, it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be miserable. Eventually, something will make you laugh, even if it’s not all that funny.

    And you should laugh. A whole fvcking lot. I have a fvckload of demons, and I still try to laugh every day. Sometimes it means approaching a random stranger and telling them a knock knock joke, but it almost always works. And I’ve never been arrested for it.

  395. @ Drew #56. I just googled blue waffles. I am sorry. You were right.

    Also I wanted to add a rule. When you go to the ladies room in public places? Check your feet to make sure no toilet paper has stuck to your shoe and make sure you didn’t tuck the front of your dress into your panty hose. Otherwise it can get embarrassing in the hallways.

  398. When I was in grade 7 a mean girl tried to me taunt me by calling me
    Laura Ingalls (if only she knew I secretly took it as a compliment). Freckefaces of of the world unite!

  400. Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery.

  402. “If you get into a fight with someone and they kinda want to punch you in the throat. Just break it down.” Cabbage Patch, Lawn mower, The sprinkler, The Roger Rabbit, The Running Man and don’t be afraid to ride the train. They will be so awe struck over your 80’s/90’s dancing skills or they might think your mentally insane. Either way…. Check mutha fukin mate. You win and your throat is still intact.

  403. Thank you. I had my first evaluation as a teacher today and it was bad. It was so absolutely heartbreaking to put my heart into something that I feel more passionate about than anything I have ever done in 40 yrs on the planet only to be told I am unsatisfactory. I have been crying all day.and them you ma adde this list. Thank you.

  404. I was just going to log on to my favorite blog to tell you that I just read the acknowledgements at the end of your book. I never read the acknowledgments. I don’t know those people! I just wanted to prolong the fact that I had run out of book. I was kind of depressed about the fact that I had run out of book but then you posted this blog post! AND it is perfect! AND I will share it with my other co-workers who have adopted the motto “First. Don’t be a Dick.”

  405. If your cell/office space has stressed people (of course it does) and no room for yoga, sit them on a spinny chair with jelly snakes hanging out their mouth and spin them as fast as you can.

  406. This list is perfect. The only thing that you should have added was “Don’t commit felonies because prison time can’t be fun”. You know, to follow up the stabbing thing.

    On that note, my mom has a knife collection. There is not a knife shortage here. Let me know if you need some.

  407. Hold the door open for people. (Where I work, it’s a lost art, so I have to add this)

  409. – Take naps.
    – Hug a cat often. Or a puppy. A nice one that won’t scratch your eye out. Obviously.
    – Learn the difference between “your” and “you’re.”
    – Order the most expensive thing on the menu. Nine times out of ten, it will be amazing. If it’s not amazing, employ rule about feeling stabby, as you will be in a restaurant and surrounded by conveniently pointy utensils.

  410. Ok eating babies is bad, but tasting them a little (fingers and toes) is good for you.

    Be kind to animals/people and especially to yourself.

  411. I would add eat what you want, just not a lot of it. Unless you really really really want to eat that whole cheesecake. In which case, do it, just not often. And don’t feel guilty about it. If you want cheesecake for breakfast one day, that’s perfectly alright.

    Now I really want cheesecake.

  414. oh I love Laura Ingalls Wilder, my parents gave me the boxed set for my SEVENTH birthday, and I used to fantasise about being her or meeting her, and then I found out she was already dead and was devastated…

  416. I will love you forever just for knowing the difference between literally and figuratively. Sadly, Merriam-Webster has caved in and added a second definition to their entry for literally. It says “Figuratively.” NO SHIT. How could you, M-W? How could you?

  417. I have searched for years, [literally] for the right place to send this message into the ether. After reading Rule # 15 I have decided that this is it.
    Dear Anonymous Poet who left the following poem in the bathroom of the Visionary Art Museum in Baltimore,
    You wrote my favorite poem ever:

    Chicken like a Monkey
    in a corner feeling funky
    laughing like a lawn without a goat

    Chicken like a Monkey
    in the corner with a junkie
    Damn you make a really lousy coat.

    I just wanted to thank you. Today I plan to become someone’s jacket. At least for a few minutes.

  418. I also had to add the only two rules my mother ever gave me:

    1. Never make fun of anyone for laughing or singing. Destroying someone else’s happiness is a mortal sin.

    2. Always take care of your feet and your teeth because once you have to start trying to fix them, life sucks.

    I was 12 when she handed me these rules. I understood the first one very well and was like, WTF? on the second one. I am now 47 and now, “Oh Mom, that was some fuckin’ sage advice.”

  419. I would like to add

    -regret is a useless emotion. Don’t indulge in it.
    -don’t be a whiner.

  420. 1.If your daughter wants purple hair, help her do it.

    2. Always, always wear comfortable shoes.

    3. Mummy is always right. Well that’s what my mother keeps telling me and she’d know.

    4. No matter what you wear, a smile is your best accessory.

  421. 1. Do not underestimate relief as an emotion. Work towards doing things that make you relieved after they are over. (Somewhat keeping in line with bite more than you can chew)
    2. Do not set high goals for yourself. No one likes whining.

  422. When I was in HS, my friend Vicky and I came up with Rules of Thumb. The best one based on real experience.

    Rule of Thumb #1:

    At Easter, don’t buy too big a ham. When you go to open the freezer door to get it out, it will fall out and land on your bare feet and probably break some toes. It will really hurt, you’ll be in pain, and most likely in a bad mood for Easter which pisses off the Easter Bunny.

    Rule of Thumb #1:

    If you’re upside down, don’t try to swallow and laugh at the same time. It just makes a huge mess.

    My personal motto:

    The mirror always lies.

  423. Love the list Jenny! I’ve got one to add…Wear your “weird” like a neon sign. Be proud of it. In fact don’t be afraid to throw yourself a little “weird parade” now and then…keeps the people around you on their toes.

  425. Sorry…edited to say the second one should be Rule of Thumb #2.

    I haven’t had enough coffee yet, and there are startlingly good-looking tree surgeons working on my Willow Oak out front, so I’m distracted. They’re blowing air into the roots of the tree, the mulch is flying, and I’m a little excited because the words “hardwood”, “blow”, and “tree shaft” are swirling around my head like snow globe flakes and creating very purple metaphors and delightful Mrs. Robinson-esque images. Also, I just finished my finals, and I’m a little fried because I’m an opera student, and there’s still all this music in my head . So imagine all these words and images banging together in my addled brain to a Brahms soundtrack.

    It’s almost as bad as the time I lived in England and was chatting to a devastatingly delicious young fireman nattily kitted out in a fetching uniform who was explaining how pumper trucks could distribute great quantities of water as well as siphon it away, and I replied excitedly, “Wow, you can suck and blow at the same time?”

    There weren’t enough buckets in the local fire brigade to put out the flames in my face that day, let me tell you Sally. I like to think on cold evenings that fireman still remembers me fondly and perhaps raises a glass in my memory. I have a long history of embarrassing myself not only in places like the Maryland State Senate (where I accidentally kicked over a trashcan and almost knocked a dozing senator off his chair whilst they were passing legislation) to a pub in England where I inadvertently felt up a very nice older gent (to be fair, he said he rather enjoyed my fumblings) to seeing Sir Ian McKellen naked to Italy where I completely not-on-purpose called a very nice waiter a bastard to several even more mortifying events that don’t bear repeating here.

    Play the hand you’re dealt. That’s my motto.

  426. Never forget your xanax or forget to refill your prescription on a Friday.

  427. Wonderful list.
    My add: Recognize that happiness does not come from the people you know, the amount of money in your bank accounts, or the possession with which you’ve filled your home. Happiness comes solely from within. Everything else is icing on the cake, or the cherry on top, or cinnamon sprinkled on top of peanut butter toast.
    Peace.

  428. LOVE this. LOVED your book so much I bought it for other people. Drove by an exact replica of your chicken this wknd and yelled BEYONCE! My family wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. THANK YOU, Jenny, for making me wet my pants.

  429. ##. (Because I can’t remember what number we are on after all of the additions) Wear something that makes you feel beautiful, even if it’s an old sweatshirt or red lipstick that runs outside of your lip lines and makes you look a little like a clown that eats faces. If you feel good, that’s what matters.

  430. For the practical: Identify what things make you a jerk, and do what you can to avoid or prevent them. (I carry a granola bar and Advil whenever possible.)

    For the somewhat philosophical: Forgiveness is not something you can throw at a person. Accepting forgiveness requires an open heart and a desire to make amends. Forgiveness is something to be sought. If someone does not want to be forgiven, don’t waste your time trying. (My response to everyone who has ever told me that I have to forgive my abuser and accept that person back into my life– no, I do not. My abuser is not remotely sorry and has no desire to change.)

  431. did someone already say:

    find an an adorable and delightful blog by a crazy wisdom heartthrob who teaches you the word “shiv”; use it (the word, not the shiv).

  432. did someone already say:

    find an adorable and delightful blog by a crazy wisdom heartthrob who teaches you the word “shiv”; use it (the word, not the shiv).

  433. Watch the Comedy Channel when you feel like crying. But go ahead and cry while you’re watching. It helps…
    When you’re feeling stabby, stab the assholes but only in your head. Because jail sucks.
    (When people do number 10, I always feel stabby)

  434. 386. Even though your insides get all crawly when people compliment you, try to look comfortable, be gracious and say “thank you.” Don’t make them regret being nice to you.

  435. Be grateful even when you feel like an ungrateful little shit.
    Be grateful that even when you know you are being ungrateful, you are grateful that you recognize this problem in yourself and acceptance is the first step towards solving the problem.

  436. I absolutely love this – we often forget not to take everything so seriously (especially those of us living with anxiety and depression, like me). It’s easy to feel trodden down and like the world is out to get you. Thanks for the reminder of how not to be shitty. Also, Laura Ingalls rocks and I’m glad someone so awesome shares my obsession with her!

  437. The best rule for life I ever heard came from my dad, and it this is it: “Don’t make things worse.” It’s quite simple and eloquent and works in every situation. Reminds me of your numbers 1-3.

    First time commenter, found you after reading your book (which my wise father recommended). Finally caught up reading all your backlog (backblog?) Thankful to have found a funny blogger who updates consistently. You are like a unicorn sundae with Buffy the Vampire Slayer Sprinkles and a side of fried mushrooms.

  438. The longer I read you the more convinced I am that you actually live inside my head… if this is true, are you warm enough or do you need me to put on a hat?

  440. When you want to get out of an argument, fall back on the good ol’ 3rd grade stand-by: Reply “SHUT UP” to everything the other person says. Think about it…how can you argue with that??

  443. Wear a scrunchie – just ’cause someone says they’re out of style, don’t throw them away. BRING BACK THE SCRUNCHIE.

  444. If a stranger looks upset, ask them what’s wrong. Really listen. Give them a hug if they need one.

  445. I only have two:

    1) Don’t hurt yourself on purpose.
    2) Don’t hurt anyone else on purpose.

  447. 1) Just because you can, does not mean you should.
    2) It is far easier to get forgiveness than permission.
    3) Before invoking rule #2, reconsider rule #1.

  448. Don’t run from your feelings. Feel them and only then can you attempt to make it better.

  451. Had to tape a note on my mirror at home. Wear your boobs! Since I had a radical mastectomy it feels great to go without those heavy things hanging off of me all of the time. But… I find that if I go without my fake boobs, people tend to stare and make in appropriate comments. Doesn’t really bother me, but it obviously bothers other people that tend to stare at other peoples breast area.
    That and hug your kitty everyday, and by that I mean feline, not anything pervy.

  452. Totally needed to see this list today. Yesterday was rough and I may have made more of it than I needed to but I was not a happy camper and not totally one yet but this did make me smile and for that I am truly thankful.

  453. Do not let one person dictate the outcome of your day! Always remember “Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires!”

  454. –>No one has ever died (I think) from eating cookie dough. Just do it.

    –>Remember the three second rule. Unless you have two labs and haven’t vacuumed in a few days.

    –>Offer up a hug to anyone who needs it. It will make you both feel good.

    –>Be more collaborative. Sharing the victory is better than hording it to yourself.

    deb
    http://www.websavvymom.com

  455. Remember that it’s none of your business if someone doesn’t like you. That’s on them, not on you. There are plenty more that do like you.

  458. Smile often, especially at someone who you think it doesn’t deserve it, because they are the ones who need it the most.

  459. Having just read your ‘furiously happy’ post the other night, that. Be furiously happy. Don’t be afraid to ask for help (just because I’m crap at this one doesn’t mean it isn’t good advice…) Oh, also, make breakfast for dinner, often.

  460. OMG #12! LOL!!! I just spit coffee all over my screen. Great, Jenny, now I have to clean my monitor.

  461. You are the best kind of everything. All of these are true and perfect. I wish more people tried to live by #1.

  462. How do I email you??? I have the most awesome “Six pack jesus” ad that you must see…

    (advertising@thebloggess.com ~ Jenny)

  463. Snorted at “Douche-canoes”. Lovely reminder of your words to me at Camp Mighty – if you’re not being judged, you’re not doing anything. Especially poignant in light of the haters I have right now over my love life choices. Needed this, thank you!!

  464. I’ve been reading your blog for years and it’s high up on the list of thing that make me laugh. I knew you were entertaining but this post moves you into the amazing category. Your list is great. If only everyone would follow the rules. My personal addition would be – if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I live by that philosophy because the lemons have tried to take me out a few times.

  466. Listen to someone you disagree with honestly believing that everything you think could be wrong and you might learn something. You will either come out of that conversation with a belief that is even stronger because you have truly tested it or you will have learned something. And you will have been classy and not an asshole about the whole thing.

  467. Jenny you are the best!!!! Thank you for all the time you share with us.

    @LauraW I’m trying to find the letter you are referring to but no one I know has shared it. 🙁 could you post a link? I would love to read the whole thing!

  468. Be strong, but know when to get help. And never leave this world until you’re good and fucking ready.

  469. When you see a raccoon, don’t stare at it because in raccoon language that means “we gonna rumble now, bitch” and then said raccoon is going to hiss at you and run towards you and raccoons are deceptively fast and you may end up at the hospital with rabies and you’ll probably turn into a raccoon. That’s how these things start.

    Also, ALWAYS pay for the more expensive toilet paper. One less thing for your in-laws to complain about.

  470. Re # 10: And don’t use “amount” when you mean “number”: “I have a very limited NUMBER of knives.” Thank you.

  471. Always buy what kids are selling from card tables on their front lawn .. unless it’s crack. Kids … don’t sell crack.

  474. Always sing loudly to Cher. And Queen. And Journey. Ok, just always sing loudly.

  476. #9 and #11 are my rules to live by 🙂

    Thank you for this list. I will (try, but most likely fail) to follow it daily. Because you said so!

  478. When silly things like work or schooling get overwhelming just breathe and look around and notice everything is alright and the world isn’t crumbling down. It’ll be okay.

  479. Listen to people’s travel stories.

    They don’t want to hear that you’ve also been there (as strong as the impulse is to tell them this). They want to tell you what it was like for them.

    (Hoping this doesn’t sound preachy — I still work on this one constantly!)

  480. Hold everything you can close to heart. It helps the good stuff keep you warm and makes the bad stuff easier to kill.

  481. @ashley – I’m having trouble with that one too.
    I also have one little voice in my head that tells me that I did something right, and then the douche canone voice comes along and smacks the nice little voice down.

    My favorite rule right now: Figure out thins that make you happy. Do them more often.

  482. When someone is in a genuine crisis (let’s say the death of my mother on April 29) please don’t tell me you’ll do anything in the world for me and then beg me to use the limited energy and brainpower (see death of mother) to come up with something for you to do so that you will feel better and then tell me you can’t do that. Just offer to do something specific and let me tell you if that so uld be helpful or not.

  483. If your cat brings you a “present,” praise them like it’s the best gift you’ve ever received. If a toddler hands you a play telephone, answer it.

  486. Choose your mother-in-law wisely. Someday you might have to wipe her ass.
    If you see someone struggling to carry a full plate, help them for God’s sake.
    Say “Fuck.” A lot. It’ll make you feel better. Trust me.

  487. Try to always have a plan, even if it’s a plan for what to do against shark wielding criminal come to rob you. Also, have a plan for where to hide bodies. This second one is the most important.

  488. Freaking awesome list! I love it! Made my day . . . now I have to go get busy doing something nice. Shit.

  490. You people are awesome. I’m relatively new here but I’m just wondering, is there a secret handshake? Code word? How will I know when I pass one of you on the street? It’s like you’re all super heroes and I’m worried I’m one of the morons who couldn’t recognize superman because he put on eye glasses.

  491. Be nice to salespeople, cashiers, waiters, anyone in the service/retail business.
    They are not robots, and while their job makes them a means to an end, make them an end in themselves!
    We love nice customers. I have coupons for them.
    On the other hand, if you are a bitch on a stick, I will give you several tiny paper cuts with my nice people coupons.
    Mentally. Because you are not worth the job that is paying for my textbooks.

  492. Make fun of yourself…and your kids. When they get mad, teach them to make fun of themselves. Once they get how much more fun that is, ground them. (Just for a sec so they can tell when they are being fucked with.)

  493. Eleventy billion comments means I couldn’t read them all so maybe this has been said already, but here’s my contribution.

    Do good things. Do good things and do them well.

  495. When David Bowie’s “Golden Years” comes on, stop whatever you’re doing and dance. It doesn’t matter where you are because if someone stops and dances with you, it means you inspired them with your Awesome.

  496. @Paula King
    “Tell people you love that you love them before you hang up or leave. It could be the last time you see/ hear them. You really never know (trust me, I know)” That… because the last things I’ve said to some people weren’t so great. But the last thing I said to my daughter was, “I love you and I am SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU!!” She died in an accident the next day.

    So… when life turns to shit, look around at the people who are there to help clean up the mess. THOSE are your friends.

    And sing, people! Sing! Life is a musical.

    Oooh, and accents. Every day is Accent Day (today is Transylvania).

  497. Fall in love. With yourself.
    Be your own best friend.
    Own your mistakes.
    Create the life you crave in the place where you are.
    Glorify your Creator, or something.

  498. Here’s another one, just because I really need to hear it and say it and live it:

    If you’re waiting on an important phone call, set your damn phone down, and go about your business. Do something productive. Paint something. Write something. Clean something. DO SOMETHING. Sitting around, staring at your phone or your computer screen or your mailbox won’t solve anything. Go MAKE something happen around you. Time will pass, and inevitably that phone call will come. Just calm your tits. It’s gon’ be alright.

  499. Love this. I’m going to totally steal the idea and write my own for my blog. But I’ll credit you. Because I’m not an asshole. Generally. Most of the time. 🙂 Thanks for the smile!

  501. There is absolutely nothing wrong with scouring the internet at 2AM for information on Laura Ingalls Wilder and reading the articles she wrote for periodicals prior to the Little House books being written & published. Absolutely nothing.

  503. A couple of additions:

    Don’t expect the people who love you (and whom you love) to be mind readers. Ask for the support that you need as clearly as you can.

    Put limits on your behavior, not on your emotions. Feel what you feel. Do what harms no one, including you.

  508. Eat at least one cookie every day. No one gives a shit about your hips, but everyone loves a smile.

  509. Always drink chocolate milk and watch cartoons when the opportunity presents itself. And brush your teeth.

  511. Umm I love the term “Douche-canoe”. That will be my newest most-used phrase.

  512. Love this list and the comments! Here are a couple more…

    Don’t hold a grudge, it’s wasted energy you could be spending on someone you actually like.

    Make the time to snuggle with your kids, it will make you both feel better.

    Keep your chin up, this too shall pass.

    Thanks Jenny!!

  517. always look people in the eyes. but not for too long or they get all code red on your ass.

    do one thing a week that scares you even a little. i’d say do one more often or scares you a LOT but my shrink is really bastardy with the xanax.

  518. At least once in your life, go to Walnut Grove MN and attend their Laura Ingalls Wilder play on the actual banks of Plum Creek. Bring bug spray.

  522. answer “good” when asked how you are today instead of fine or not bad.

  523. Carry extra cough drops and tampons so you can help someone having a bad day.

  525. Jenny, you are fantastic. Jenny’s Commenters, you are fantastic. I so needed this today that I’m parcelling it out and reading a few minutes, then going back to my tedious task. Repeat ad infinitim….or until 5pm whichever comes first.

  527. Printed, framed, and sitting on my desk. Resulted in belly laughing and snorting by my Boss and HR rep.

  528. I would include :

    never trust anyone who isn’t nice to babies, animals, old people or waitresses.

  529. Don’t be judgey. That goes for you, too. Don’t judge yourself; just keep learning and loving and eating dark chocolate and laughing!

  532. It works better when you plug it in.

    Chocolate is an important part of a Depressive’s medical toolkit.

    Dont let the fuckers get to you. Ever.

  533. Hey, happy people need to be made sad. If you’re not sad, you’re not paying attention.

  534. Say your sorry when you need to, make sure to do things because they are fun everyonce in a while (I think you have that one in the hat Jenny).

  536. Say good morning, afternoon, evening to everyone you see with a big smile. You may unintentionally make someone’s day

  537. I force-read Laura Ingalls to my 2 small boys in order to show them how kick-ass girls are. All of it. Up to and including the bit where she burns the house down. And the bit where pa gets mice in his hair in manner of 18th Century French courtesan.

    Off to bite off more than I can chew…

  538. You are my hero. Oh, my god, so much win. Especially the jacket one. I want to do that now. But people will think that I’m molesting them.

    Which I kind of would be, but they’d be warmer, so win-win.

  540. Live your life in such a way that you never have to ask yourself “is someone poisoning me?” when you feel sick. Or “dont be a d!ck” for short!!

  541. Always take the far away spot in the parking lot so you can save the close up one for an elderly person. Unless it’s raining. In that case it’s every man for himself. (Kidding, of course. sort of.)

  542. If someone is hurting you, do not let them blame you. They are the problem, not you You are never to take the blame of a bully!
    Life is too short, have fun..be silly!
    Everything is better with Robots!
    Seriously: learn the difference between You’re, your, there, their and they’re!
    Never under estimate the power of puppy kisses, kitty purrs, and baby laughs.
    Never refuse a hug, it maybe the only one that person gets in a long time.
    There was another, but I forgot it as soon as I started to type here.

  543. Don’t lie when dating people. What usually happens is both people lie to each other to look better when dating, and then they each fall in love with the other’s fake self. They get married and eventually the facades drop. Then they’re all, “You’re not the person I married anymore!” OF BLOODY COURSE THEY AREN’T. You married an illusion, not a person! Be authentic from the beginning and this will never ever happen to you. Trust.

  544. My rules for life:

    1. Naps are amazing.
    2. Never underestimate the power of ice cream to heal wounds.
    3. Don’t be afraid to admit you’ve exceeded your limits.
    4. You’re never too old to make a box fort.
    5. Pants or not to pants? That is your discretion.
    6. Do whatever the cat tells you to do.
    7. There’s nothing wrong with daydreaming that you’re a superhero fighting alongside the Justice League.
    8. Rollercoasters are death machines run by people with questionable engineering credentials. This is why they’re awesome.
    9. It’s okay if your socks don’t match your belt. It’s even better if your socks have Batman on them.
    10. When in doubt, deactivate iguana.

  545. Always wear awesome underwear. It’s hard to have a bad day when you’re rocking cool panties.

  548. Give yourself permission to unabashedly enjoy wildly inappropriate things that make you laugh–like this website!

  549. and now… I’m totally going to make a list like this with my kids!!! AND post it on the walls. maybe we’ll write it in sharpie on the walls. How cool would that be? Except maybe the landlord wouldn’t agree.

  550. Do unto others…and that means telling that lady that her dress is caught in her panty hose, instead of just standing there. You’d want someone to tell you if it were you mooning the restaurant.

  551. Do not tell anyone that they cannot have their cake and eat it too; you’re screwing up the phrase. Look, I have my cake and I’m eating it. However, you cannot eat your cake and have it too; once it is eaten, you no longer have it.

  552. stop letting people who do so little for you
    control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions 🙂

  553. Don’t worry about what other people think
    (with a corollary… if you want to make your own hideous/awesome shoes with spikes on them and wear them to your stiflingly conservative office do it )

  555. Don’t be afraid to be single for a while! Don’t continually run into relationships because you think you have to have a significant other in your life to be happy. Find you..the good, the bad, the funny, the crazy…love yourself first, then find the one…but if he doesn’t like cats, knows what TARDIS means or supports your fabric habit, he’s not the one… 😉

  556. What a great list! Don’t make happy people sad is my motto. There’s just way too much of that going on in this world. If you’re miserable then keep it to yourself!

  557. Love this list, love your site. Between here and Twitter, it seems like you’re having a tough week. Hang in there. People like me live for your humor and sincerity. Thanks for being there.

  559. You’ve inspired me to make my own list! Here are my rules:

    1. Be kind to people, even when they are not kind to you.

    2. Look for excuses to DO something, not excuses to not do something.

    3. Take the time to play with your cat when you’re making the bed. Really…anything you have to do can wait ten minutes. It will be worth it.

    4. Own your decisions and deal with the consequences, but never say “I should have…”

    5. Let yourself have bad days. Feeling guilty will only make it worse – sometimes it’s okay to go to bed and know things will be better tomorrow.

    6. Remember that nothing, good or bad, lasts forever.

    7. Sometimes, when you’re outside at night, take a minute to just look up at the sky and be amazed.

    8. Learn basic grammar rules. I swear to god I will stab you in the kneecap if you mix up “you’re” and “your” again. And I’m pretty sure if you write “ur” you’re just going straight to hell.

    9. When someone compliments you, don’t negate what they said or make excuses. Say “thank you”.

    10. Never, ever hold on to anger. In the words of the Dalai Lama, “Anger is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.”

    11. Don’t hold on too tightly to one idea of what will make you happy. Sometimes that changes, or is wrong, or doesn’t work out. It’s not the end.

    12. Begin it now.

  560. Remember that how you treat others doesn’t depend on how they treat you.

  561. do not google “blue waffles” after reading about blue waffles recipes. They are not at all tasty looking.

  562. As the mother of boys, a main rule in our house for years now is “No demolition with your head.”

  563. That thing you are putting off doing will be so much easier to do than you think. Spend 15 minutes getting started.

  564. If you were expecting an earth-shattering kaboom and none materialised, go ahead and loudly proclaim your confusion and determination to seek answers.

    Related: Practice funny voices.

    Related to the related thing but not the original: Practice a maniacal laugh. A lot of people neglect the laugh, and that’s about standards.

  565. Oh, hooray! I’m not the only person who loves Dr. Who and Little House on the Prairie!

  566. 1) Embrace your weirdness
    2) Don’t be afraid to dance in public.

    Also I’m totally with you on the Laura Ingalls Wilder thing. Love her!

  568. In memory of my mother: “Work is love made visible.”

  569. Do the Hoeky-pokey, because everyone knows that’s what it’s all about.

  571. Follow your dreams. Even if those dreams involve sword-fighting with LoTR-style elves in abandoned Pepsi factories. Okay, maybe not *those* dreams.

  573. Try to listen at least as much as you talk (personal failing).

  574. I started wondering, “How many knives are going to arrive in the mail for Jenny, now?” And then I realized the answer was, figuratively, a million!! 🙂

  575. Today, I came home to a burned down fence because my dick of a neighbour’s truck caught the grass on fire and my dick of a neighbour (who is a giant asshole by the way) could have burned down my house and my mom, who totally lives with me…a story for another time. Anywho, I asked my dick of a neighbour when he was going to replace the fence, he called me a bitch, I may or may not have added in, so I don’t have to look at your shithole. So my list includes, sometimes neighbours are just dicks and assholes, live with it or fix your fence and sell your house.

  576. so, I posted your “rules of life” on my facebook. don’t worry , I gave you full credit. Mostly because I don’t want everyone to think I’m nuts, but also because you are brilliant and deserve the credit. I just wanted to say thank you for passing long work days and giving me something else to focus on . I am a 9-1-1 dispatcher and I read your blog at work between calls, and it keeps me smiling . Thank you for giving me that and for making me feel like I am normal . I would have sent you this in an email but I didn’t know how or if I had that option .

    I agree with all of the rules of life; it could only be better if one rule was that…
    we all got our own personal iron man , island girl, and pirate flag. that makes no sense to you but to me it’s pretty awesome 🙂
    thanks for being so kick ass.

    liz

  577. What other people think of you is THEIR problem.
    Plus, just use a rubber knife, that way your message gets across, but you dont end up in jail!

  581. -Instead of always having to apologize, don’t do things that will make you HAVE to apologize.

    -Sometimes, when you are having a shitty day, doing something kind for a random stranger and seeing them smile will fix everything.

  582. No 2#: Remember that everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Oh, and the first step to forgiveness is sometimes to recognise that the other person is a complete idiot.

  584. Go out of your way to speak to children and listen to what they have to say –unless you’re a Level III sex offender, which means you’ve probably already said enough and should just quit hanging around that swingset in the park. What? Too creepy???

  585. Always be nice to people in the service industry. Odds are that no matter how bad your work day is, theirs was probably worse. Don’t be the reason.

  586. Before reacting to someone always question “is prison orange really a good color on me?” If it is, question if you can pull off the jumpsuit look.

    For me, orange is a good color; jumpsuits on the other hand, not so good. So I keep this in the back of my head when dealing with some people.

  587. Don’t keep putting it off until tomorrow. Next thing you know you’re in a retirement home wondering where the time when and why you never took advantage of it.

    Thanks for the list 🙂

  588. When people see a bad news story and say “What is HAPPENING to our world?”, there are two statements to respond with:
    1) Read this blog + comments. Most people are actually oozing with coolness.
    2) Google Genghis Kahn. The Spanish Inquisition. Julius Caesar or any of his family’s antics. At least we don’t have THEIR shit to deal with. The world has made some progress. Give it some credit.

  590. remember the people who are hardest to love, probably need it the most…this is especially true for children

  591. Give hugs. Appropriately of course.
    Say nice things about people behind their back. Brag on them to others in their presence.

    I love you Jenny. 🙂

  592. Always smile at people.

    Strangers on the street, cashiers, waitresses, everyone.

    It doesn’t matter what kind of day you are having, or how you are feeling: they don’t know, and they don’t deserve your burdens. What they do deserve is a friendly smile.

    This is the mantra by which I live my life! Just smile and be kind to those around you.

  595. Please scratch the Wilder Life comment. Of course you have read it. And there are so many comments here I just saw yours about the same book. 🙂

  596. The day you posted this was my birthday and I read it on that day. And then I cried and cried and cried and then I printed it off and then cried a little more. And laughed alot. And did the robot. And then started my own company. And then ate Thai food. I am 51. OMG. It’s time to lighten up. So I decided to quit my present job and start this new company, that I started, on my birthday. I am of course, terrified. Heh. I am trying to figure out how to put all of these statements into the new Articles of Incorporation.

  598. Never trust something that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain.

    Harry Potter taught me so much.

  599. Take risks, leaps of faith and step outside of your comfort zone. That’s what differentiates “a life” from “an existence”.

    There’s beauty in everything. Look for it. Stop for a couple of seconds to watch the sun rise.

    Don’t hold on to regrets. Focus on moving ever forwards.

    Empathy. Keep on practising empathy.

  601. Forgive your parents. No matter how fucked up you think they were. They did what they knew how to do at the time. After 21, it’s time for you to take responsibility of your own life. I admit, I was a little late.

  602. If someone smells good, tell them. If their hair looks nice or they look radiant or give a great presentation, TELL THEM. When the opportunity arises and it’s genuine, COMPLIMENT PEOPLE.

  603. End every. Single. Conversation. With your loved ones with “I love you.” Because life is fucked up and you never know……..

  604. Don’t talk shit about yourself! There enough douchetards in the world that will do that; don’t give them any help. Be your own advocate and ally.

  605. Never shy away from the things that make you furiously happy. No matter how childlike, no matter how many other “adults” don’t understand them. (Well, unless they’re illegal or immoral. Like feeding squirrels fermented pumpkins.)

  606. If you need to spit something out, use the sink. This way, you don’t have to clean that shit up.

  607. If you need to spit something out, use the sink. This way, you don’t have to clean that shit up.

  609. Love yourself….and when I say love yourself I mean masterbate frequently….it does a body and soul good!

  611. Since I’m a lazyass and didn’t jump on this post when you blabbed about it on The Facebook, I’m a little late to the party – having said that – Do I win a prize if I’m the 605th commenter?

  612. Have one lazy day a week .
    Just pretend that you’ve started paractising yoga and you are meditating.
    Yoga is very *on-trend* , so you can be idle and trendy at the same time.

    Also, the David Tennant Dr Who, said that Human Beings are amazing because they just go blundering through life without fear of the the concequences.

    So – BLUNDER WITHOUT FEAR !- is good advice.

    Endorsed by Dr Who.

    Just bought your book, and it’s brilliant.

  613. Damn it.

    Practising.

    Although I rather like paractising better.

    In one comment, I’ve just shattered the illusion that we Brits can spell and talk like what the Queen does.

  614. As obvious as you think it should be to those you love, only YOU actually know how you think and feel. Use real words if you want someone else to know.

  615. Excellent list. Busted out #19 in my office this morning. No one watching. Just felt the need and it made me happy. Thankfully my co workers would not be shocked to walk by my office and see me doing the robot. I’ve conditioned them properly.

  617. Use you’re blinker. Even if no one is behind you or around you. Just use it, it’s a good habit, and is safe. Just USE YOUR BLINKER. It’s a wonderful thing.

  618. Double Damn It.

    Consequences.

    I give up.

    Am going to bring Wine-O-clock time forward tonight.

  620. For me the best advice, is to carry a BIG purse. When needed load the SOB with a shit load of bricks and start swinging. People will duck after the first four go to the ground. Ahh…I work in a cubicle.

  621. Beware of permanent solutions to temporary problems.

    That one has kept me alive more than once.

  622. If you drop your keys into a pool of lava…just let them go. ‘Cause man…they’re gone.

    USE. YOUR. BLINKERS. FortheloveofGodpeople!!!

  623. Before calling for help, turn it off, wait 10 seconds and turn it back on again.

  625. What is with all the stabbing and anger? Calm down people, just calm down……
    If you’d ever been stabbed you would think twice about stabbing someone else…. or not?

  626. When you think something nice about someone, tell them. That nice thought does very little for you in your own head, but it could be the huge ginormous wonderful thing that happens that day to the person you thought it about.

  627. Jimmy Buffett wrote a short story in “Tales of Margaritaville” that included “Freddy Fishstick’s Rules of Life.” I have always found them inspiring, and I share them with you here, even though it forces me to admit that I listen to Jimmy Buffett music sometimes:

    Lesson One : Never forget– “they” are always the enemy

    Lesson Two: Just remember, assholes are born that way, and they usually don’t change

    Lesson Three: You do not want to go to jail.

    Lesson Four: When you start to take this job seriously, you’re in trouble.

    Lesson Five: It takes no more time to see the good side of life than it takes to see the bad.

    Lesson Six: If you decide to run with the ball, just count on fumbling and getting the shit knocked out of you a lot, but never forget how much fun it is to be able to run with the ball.

    I particularly like 2 and 3.

  628. Watch cartoons.

    Because they FINALLY make cartoons where the hero is a girl who is pretty AND smart AND saves the day unlike the millions of cartoons we grew up with that gave you the choice of being either: 1. Smart but not pretty like Velma 2. Pretty but dumb or the first to be captured like Daphane or 3. just plain bitchy like Alexandria in Josie and the Pussycats.

    Kim Possible for the win.

  630. I’m ready to admit that I was not allowed to watch Little House on the Prairie as a kid after 1 episode because my parents were tired of me yelling at the t.v. because they didn’t get it EXACTLY. RIGHT. I don’t care if you’re Michael Landon, you don’t mess around with Pa. Some things are just sacred.

    So, for my rules, I’m adding:
    Be willing to admit that watching certain t.v. shows may be hazardous to your health, or the sanity of co-watchers.

  631. My rule: Never underestimate the soothing power of the smell of crayons. You’re never too old to color.

  633. Never fight a land war in Asia.
    Never say never.
    Always say always.
    Pasta can transform a bad day.
    Learn the difference between you’re and your.
    Teach me the difference between its and it’s.
    Swallow, face, stomp, squash, recognize, embrace you fear. And then do that thing you’re scared to do anyway.
    Never underestimate the impact of a well placed compliment.
    Cheese.
    Melrose Place is a really good show.
    You are worthy of all the good things you wish for others.
    Look for the magic. The world has some kickass shit to offer.

  637. Don’t trust anyone with two first names or one eyebrow. My Dad always said that if we took one piece of advice from him during our lives he would want it to be that.

  638. To echo Abby’s “Don’t believe everything you think.”
    Don’t take your own prejudices seriously, but question them.

  639. Vegetables taste better if you know there’s a dessert at the end of the meal.
    Play with a child. Unless you don’t know one, then that would be creepy.
    Stabbing people is underrated.

  640. If your BFF with OCD asks you to carry around all the knives and sharp objects from her house in your car because she’s afraid she’s going to get stabby on her husband, do it without even thinking about what the cops will think if they pull you over.

  642. #2,130: When someone shows you who they are….don’t ignore them.

    #2,130: Remember that there is always at least one person out there–be it a mother, a best friend, a mentor, or even a sometimes cranky boss–that is rooting for you to make it. Even when you’re too exhausted to root for yourself.

  643. don’t waste your energy reasoning with idiots… they’re idiots because they never wasted energy listening to reason…

  644. 21. It’s always better to call in sick than shit your pants at work. Always.
    22. When at a party, always double dip ostentatiously – it gets you all the dip.
    23. When using google, always consider that if you go missing, someone’s going to see that shit.
    24. People who look like the biggest assholes are usually the biggest assholes.
    25. Squirrels are dicks.

  645. Spend the day with a 3-year-old, they’ll remind you of what’s important, or not, in life. Oh, and I’m all in on the Laura Ingalls Wilder campaign, where do I sign-up?

  647. Rule n) Don’t wait until you’re middle aged to embrace who you are.

    I am just learning to do this at 41. My 8 year old daughter is way ahead of me. She knows she doesn’t fit in with the other kids, but she loves who she is and isn’t trying to be anyone else. Braver socially than I ever was!

  649. Dance while sitting in a chair at least once a day. Chairs don’t judge things like rhythm and body control. And if it does, buy a new chair. Nobody deserves to be judged by an inanimate
    object.

  651. My Mother’s rule when I was a child: Never pick anything up off of the ground unless it is money. (I got really good at finding money on the ground.)
    Go barefoot more often. (but not in public restrooms)
    “Hakuna your tatas – aka calm down” – Be able to laugh at yourself. When you don’t feel like you can laugh – go in a bathroom, look in the mirror, point at yourself and start laughing. The laugh will beccome genuine after a moment.
    Give sneak attack hugs to your friends and family. It will make your day.
    Live life so that people say you “march to the beat of your own drum” – It will be the best compliment you have ever received.
    Sidebar – for those who wrote about LIW being in the fiction section – that is ludicrous – Does that mean since Jenny’s book is only “mostly true” that she will qualify for the fiction section????

  652. 1. Never do anything that could get you on Judge Judy
    2. When in doubt, always choose the most loving option, whatever that looks like.
    3. Never cut jalapenos and then take out your contacts.
    4. Don’t be a slave to anything.

  653. Find the perfect pair of underpants that don’t ride up or cause lines under your clothes and then buy out the store and never look back.

  655. “I’m going to stab you in the front” A saying from one of my Taiwanese friends meaning; I’ll never talk behind your back, just to your face

  656. 1. Never assume your thoughts are more important just because you are older.

    2. When getting a ride from someone, always say at least 3 nice things to the driver before asking if they remembered to bring you something.

    3. People are more important than things. If someone needs or likes something of yours that you an afford to give them, gift it. Even someone you find slightly annoying. You’ll be a better person for it.

    4. Give yourself the nickname you always wanted and start using it today. Those who love you will roll with it. You have the right to call yourself whatever you damn please.

    5. Always try and be 650th in the comments section on your favorite blog.

  657. When necessary don’t be afraid to give up having the last word in an argument. It feels as good as having the last word . . . It drives people nuts.

  658. “Now stop whatever you are doing and go read her blog.”

    When Jenny tells her tribe to do something – DO. IT.
    Allie’s blog is amazing. <3

  659. I think there are more than enough items on this list now to make a book. (hint, hint)

  660. I’m turning 45 this year, and I’ve decided that once I turn 45 I am allowed to institute a zero-tolerance policy for assholery and the assholes who practice it. I’m actually getting a head start now by pretending someone doesn’t exist the minute I realize they’re an asshole.

    On another note, sounds like we should band together and get a group discount on extra knives. Even if we don’t use them for assholes, you can’t have too many knives on hand for the zombie apocalypse anyhow. And you just know there will be asshole zombies, too. They’ll get plenty of use.

  662. If, through no fault of your own, someone doesn’t like you (they’ve got issues), be nice to them. I mean, really, really nice. Everytime you see them ask them how they are doing, how their kids are, what is going on in their lives. It will drive them insane.

  663. Have a random, spontaneous birthday party for your family. “Happy birthday to us!” Cake and silly hats make many things better.

  664. Surround yourself with the things that make you happy. Lots and lots of things. It’s collecting, not hoarding, assholes.

  665. Don’t bang so hard on your douchey neighbor’s door that you refuckup your badly-healed-probably-was-broken pinky. Because he’ll still be bumping the bass at 1:30 a.m. and won’t care that you can’t sleep *and now your pinky hurts, too*.

  666. It’s okay to say no sometimes. It seems I have to learn this one over and over again. Wait, maybe I am not really learning it. Perhaps I should to get that tattooed somewhere. What do you think of: “Um…no.” on my forehead? Then when someone asks for something, I can just act like I am thinking and then point to it.

    Hmmm, this could be helpful in all areas of life. Kids, husband, work…

  667. 1. Give more hugs.
    2. Don’t get vinegar in your eyes.
    3. Remember to eat. Actual food. Chocolate and potato chips doesn’t count. You can still totally eat them, like, right now. Just eat some actual food too. Like, right now, Lila. Seriously, you’re going to get a migraine if you don’t eat. [glare]
    4. When you meet someone who reacts to your teary breakdown by holding you and letting you cry for ages and then telling you that they love you so much, and then getting a little mad that you were being so mean to yourself, hold on to them.

  669. * If you wouldn’t say that mean thing to your best friend then don’t say it about yourself.
    * If what you’re doing isn’t working then stop. And try something else.
    * When Fate hands you lemons… make a lemonade <– that one is from my mother and it's stuck in my head for nearly 50 years.
    And, oh yeah,
    * Listen to your mother. She's probably right. (I wrote that one for my children to learn, but still…)

  670. Don’t lick the bar.
    Make mistakes.
    Don’t stand behind the horse.
    Wear awesome shoes; sometimes wear them in bed.
    If you wear a bra, make sure it fits.
    Say no sometimes.
    Say yes sometimes.
    Nap.
    Eat things that taste delicious.
    Take pictures.
    Tell stories.
    Listen.
    Ask for help.
    Help someone.

  671. Your list is inspiring, and the items added in the comments are amazing. So many good ones it’s hard to pick.

    Mostly the one I’m trying to work on is – Don’t worry about it. Whatever it is will probably not be as bad as you imagine and the solutions you come up with won’t match the reality anyway.

    I see lots of variations of that. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

  672. Make yourself some special “trailmix” by combining things you love. A good place to start is with M&Ms, Rolos and Junior Mints. Add or subtract ingredients as necessary to make yourself happy with the results. Take when you damn well feel like it, and to hell with spoiling your appetite.

  673. – Be nice to ninjas. It’s always better to have them on your side
    – Never forget to say “thank you”
    – Sing or dance whenever you have a chance. If you can do both, more power to you
    – Always leave the door to your car unlocked when you’re at home. If Michael Meyers or zombies show up, you don’t want to be the one who dies fumbling for the keys

  675. Do not limit yourself by the opinions of others as to what they believe you can do. Better yet, do not limit yourself by what you believe you can or cannot do. Push yourself and you just might find you are capable of so much more than you imagined.

    Be kind to complete strangers. Be kinder to those you love. Be kindest to yourself- I find myself so much more willing to overlook flaws in others than the same flaws in myself and that is just plain cray cray 😛

  676. Teach your children that life isn’t fair early and often. Because it isn’t and the earlier they accept that, the less frustrating the rest of their life might be. Life isn’t fair – but it can be really good <3

  678. When you fuck up, apologize. Admit that you were wrong, fully take responsibility and do not minimize or try to pass blame. Saying, “I’m sorry, but . . . ” is a bullshit copout and it does not come even close to an actual apology. Giving good apology is hard, I get it. But being able to accept full repsonsibility without making excuses is one of the most admirable qualities. Apologize, mean it and move on.

  679. Always lead by example, Because otherwise you are a fucking hypocrite.

    I read all of the Laura Ingalls Wilder books by the time I was seven. I was always pissed that my dad didn’t blow up pig bladders for me to small around in some sort of visceral volleyball play. I read Orson Scott-Card’s Pastwatch: The Redemption of Christopher Columbus years later, which immediately made me think of using a funny doorway time machine to spy on her life all the time. During long car rides I still like to think about going back in the past and living with her on her farm, and then bringing her back with me to live in the future and stuff. Then she could exclaim about how crazy the future is, and I would nod sagely while we smacked around a pig’s bladder around the grassy area of my apartment complex.

    I also think about her rocking the school bench so hard that the bolts came undone all the time. Her pa always said she was as strong as a little French horse. Not really sure why that stuck with me, or why I still think about it 20 years later, but I still get a thrill from it.

    Basically, if you start a revival movement I will go door to door with the good book: Little House in the Big Woods. Shit, I’ll take the whole set with me.

  680. Make a t-shirt out of that rule that says to spit out stuff if you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. Or a badge. It will let the glarers know why you’re spitting. But don’t spit on the subway, baby. Or on the subway baby.

  681. Be honest with yourself.

    Be nice to the wait-staff.

    Don’t hold on. Don’t let go.

  682. Don’t sit in your car in front of a grocery store or in the middle of the parking lot aisle. It’s a fucking parking lot. It’s SOLE PURPOSE FOR EXISTENCE IS TO GIVE YOU A DESIGNATED SPOT IN WHICH TO PUT YOUR CAR. Put your car in a freaking spot!

    And never, ever, ever, ever park in a handicapped spot unless you actually have the plates to do so.

  683. Forgive your country every once in a while.

    Drink enough water.

    Look at that bird over there.

    If you hear shooting in the street, stay away from the window.

    Do not smart off to a policeman.

    Don’t give advice.

    (h/t Ron Padgett)

  684. Step 1) Learn the rules.
    Step 2) Check what you want to do in step 3 isn’t going to hurt anyone or get you put in jail, and everyone involved is SSC. (safe/sane/consenting).
    Step 3) Fuck the rules.

    Seriously. I spent so long doing ‘what was expected’ and ‘what was right’ that I never freaking stopped to check whether all of the above was right for me. I was a Christian high achiever in an all girls school, told that I should get a stable relationship with a good man, build decent savings, and then choose if I wanted a family or a career, and I spent years trapped in wordless misery as I was unable to work out why I wasn’t happy – the reason? Because the structure of life as I knew it didn’t fit me!

    So, now, here I am – bi sexual, with two partners who love and support me, quite happily wandering (occasionally flailing) the line between career and family and liking both bits, and resoundingly ‘odd’ – but I wouldn’t swap anything about it for the world. I don’t even buy lottery tickets.

    So, seriously. Step 3 y’all. Fuck the rules.

  685. Do not read the comments on news sites. The world is full of stupid/uninformed/malicious/mistaken people and they all congregate on news sites comments boards.

  686. If someone is acting shitty towards you, punch them. Seriously. Punch them and go get yourself some ice cream.

  688. Wear a tiara and a feather boa anytime you go to the grocery store after 10pm, it’s especially effective if you are dressed really ratty, old sweat pants, t shirt, tennis shoes with holes in them. You instantly become a princess, and strangers will smile at you.

  689. Don’t put “not haunted” on your for sale sign for your house because then people know it’s haunted.

  690. Don’t automatically assume you’re wrong just because someone disagrees with what you say or how you do things. They could just be blowing smoke up your ass.

    AND

    When you’re reading something at work that’s difficult to grasp, don’t automatically assume that you are dumb because you couldn’t understand it. You are a reasonably intelligent person, and the burden is on the person who wrote the paper/memo/fact sheet etc. to make it clear enough for others to understand. *Many times, it’s not that you’re dumb; It’s that others can’t articulate their point well.

    (If you couldn’t tell, I learned these valuable lessons in the office setting at work.)

  692. When someone looks at you and says, “Wow, you’ve lost weight! I can really see it in your face!” Resist the urge to look at them and respond, “Yes! I have! Thank you for noticing that I’ve been focusing on losing facial fat! It makes all of those eyebrow lifting excercise worthwhile!” Also, resist the urge to put a voodoo curse on them. Killing the chicken is really messy and it’s totally not worth it for a comment like that.

  693. Walk out of your house on a Monday morning and yell, “Look out people, it’s Monday…I’m hung-over and I’m headed your way!” Your neighbors will stay the hell away from you for at least half the week.

  694. I only have 2 rules for my husband and they are:
    Don’t go to jail if you don’t have to and don’t go to the hospital if you don’t have to. I feel like it covers some important bases there.

    My husband has his own set of rules that he and his friends have come up with and I’ll just mention a few:
    1. Cover your ass.
    2. If it doesn’t violate rule 1, cover your friends ass.
    3. Yes she’s probably cute enough to get away with it.
    4. Nothing’s wrong if you’re willing to accept the consequences.
    5. The only way to get rid of temptation is to give into it.
    And probably my favorite:
    6. 3 people can keep a secret if 2 are dead.

    Thank you for the post. I’m echoing some of the others in saying I may have to create my own.

  695. “Be excellent to each other” – Bill and Ted
    But I am probably repeating what someone has already said.

  696. 21: When you’re low on gas for the ride home, just suck it up and fill the gas tank because as much as you don’t want to fill it up after a long day of work, you will want to even less when you’re running late the next morning.

  697. So, yeah, I have the same problem… not enough knives. My son throws them all into trees and leaves them lying about the yard rusting with broken tips. Oh, and now I know what I want to be when I grow up. A jacket.

  698. Don’t drink alcohol until AFTER you give the best man / maid of honor speech.

  700. I love your list and all the additions.
    – especially buy anything metal and chicken related. I don’t remember who said that but it was brilliant.
    – I have an affection for hyperbole so it amuses me to use literally when I should be using figuratively.
    -go with your gut feelings
    – don’t believe everything you think
    – if you have to make a choice between two things flip a coin (or do eenie meanie minee moe) because while the coin is in the air or while you are saying it you’ll come to know which one you really want
    – sing out loud or dance whether you can or not if it makes you happy
    – don’t compare yourself to others everyone has their own shit they are going through – their own talents – their own whatever – be you like a boss
    – keep calm and carry salt

  701. If you have to say something unkind about someone, add “bless her/his/their heart(s)” at the end. It takes the sting out and you sound all cute and southern.

  702. Enjoy a pajama day and never apologize for it. And while in those pjs you are allowed to be a slug (pjs are the official slug uniform) and follow your every whim.

  703. *always assume good will…maybe he cut you of because he found out his wife was rushed to the ER
    *don’t pre-judge people because of races, region, etc. wait until they act like an asshat to pass judgment
    *be a champion for animals…they love you unconditionally, the least you can do is make sure people don’t hurt them.

  706. I love your list except for support the underdog. What if the underdog is just plain wrong? No bullying, obviously, but just because someone is an underdog does not necessarily make them right.

  707. Jerk off to ugly people porn once in a while just to show yourself that you ain’t got it so bad.

  708. 1. Don’t agree to anything you don’t understand.

    My sister and I came up with this one when she was living in Brazil and speaking awful portugese and I had a friend who had a deaf girlfriend – I can’t lip read. We decided this was one of our rules for life.

    Also – like boys (or girls) who like you. As you are. Love is complicated enough without it being about trying to be someone else.

    And – don’t run in the rain. You end up getting wetter. Walk carefully and quickly.

    😀

  711. In the immortal words of Kurt Vonnegut, “Goddammit, you’ve got to be kind.”

  713. Don’t hold yourself to other people’s standards
    Don’t compare yourself or your life to others.
    When you hear someone in your house and you’re alone, don’t go check. It might be an axe murder, or, even worse, a squirrel

  715. Don’t complain. A dirty house, laundry to do and a kitchen to clean are all good problems to have. A roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in your belly. Now shut the fuck up and appreciate your life.

  717. A rule I recently made for myself because of a situation that came up at work:

    If you’re picking out promotional gifts for a conference, remember that they send the message “I expect you will have a problem, possibly at this conference, that can be solved with this.” If you are handing out promotional lighters, this means the message is “I expect you will have a problem at this conference that can be solved *with fire*.”

    Then consider whether you want anyone solving their problems with fire at your conference.

  718. i love, Love, LOVE Laura Ingalls!
    still obsessed after all these years, and Im planning a dream trip to visit her home sites.
    do NOT judge

  723. Believe in the power of the words, “YES, I CAN” and keep your potential unlimited. — This is what I teach at my preschool and I’m hoping that the world/future will benefit from the ones who have learned this!

  726. Oh super now I am going to be obsessed w/Laura Ingals…where is my iPad, I need Wikipedia STAT!

  728. Silently send blessings to every one you meet throughout your day. Wish for them all the wonderful things you wish for yourself.

    Thank you for this list, Jenny. You rock!

  729. I’m having a really bad week, no month. One of those, can’t get out of bed but I have to, cry in the bathroom at work and question my entire life bad months. My panic disorder is in overdrive since I moved and can’t quite make myself feel at home in my own apartment. The new person at work is just nosy enough that it scares me. I feel terrible about myself. I think a relationship that I’ve had for 11 years is finally coming to an end and I am teriffied of what that means… but…

    This list… when I started reading it I thought it was just going to be something to make me briefly laugh and then move on with my day. Its so much more than that.

    I want to thank you for this list. I’ve been reading all the comments and alternately laughing and crying for the last half hour and I feel just a little bit lighter, a little bit less teriffied. Thank you. Thank you for putting yourself out there and showing people that, just maybe, we’re not as alone as we sometimes think. <3

  732. So I have something mean to say – not that I’m being shitty or anything – before I say something unmean.
    When this post went up, I hated it. I hated it because it made me feel very picked-on which is totally irrational because HELLO! Jenny doesn’t actually know me or know what I do all day (I..don’t think…I hope not, at least) But I had arrived at work to two angry emails based on a book review I’d done. The angry emails pretty much said I was being petty and, well, shitty. I felt bad because I hadn’t been aiming for petty or shitty, I was just sharing what I thought and while I know authors are often sensitive when their babies aren’t loved as much as they love their babies, at the same time, my profession involves sharing quality information and because I feel a duty to my profession, when duty vs feelings comes up, I usually pick duty.
    I re-read my review, didn’t see the evilness but realized it’s because it’s MY evilness and I just had to come to terms with the fact that I am a mean person. Sometimes a bad person, even, and that I’d hurt someone’s feelings, whether intentional or not. While that was anguishing around my brain, this post came out and rule #1 is Don’t Be Shitty (which isn’t too different from “Don’t be a dick”) and because I had just been shitty, I totally felt that this was aimed directly at me. My brain said that was in no way possible but then that one voice in my headspace said, “Yeah but I’ll bet Jenny is BFF with that author and the author called crying and told her what a horrible person I am and now Jenny’s feeling all protective of her BFF and calling me out and telling me to stop being such an asshole all the time and now MY feelings are hurt because I didn’t even realize I was being mean!” and I sniffled a lot and hated this post. Also, I wondered at my own egocentricity because, wow, it’s gotten bad.
    I got two more emails from the angry author and I didn’t say anything back because, you know, fanning and flames.
    And then the weekend came and I forgot all about all of it.
    But that’s not all!
    I got another email from angry author, only it wasn’t angry. It said that she forgot to thank me for my input and that it was actually helping a lot and that I probably didn’t realize she felt that way based on her past emails.
    I thought that was impressive because saying sorry takes guts. I know this very well.
    And then today, I broke back into my Google Reader account, which gets harder and harder to access every day because it’s dying a terrible and painful death, and I saw this post again and I re-read it. Now that I don’t feel it is directly pointing at me, even though it never was, it seems much more reasonable and much less stabby-in-my-facey.
    So now I have to apologize for overreacting to something that had nothing to do with me and mentally hating this post for reasons that did not actually have anything to do with anything other than my crappy little mood that day.
    Jenny, I’m sorry. I don’t actually hate this post at all.

  733. I was feeling really, really down this afternoon, but I am stuck at work and in no position to properly lay down and cry. I sought out your rules for life just to lift my spirits …I’m starting to feel a little better now. Just wanted to let you know that you make people feel better. Even though we’ve never met, I think of you as a friend. Thank you for being you.

  734. Jenny for mayor of…Jennytown? Lawsonville? Whatever it’s called, it’s where I want to live, filled with people like those who post here. The kindness and humor that fills these boards is heartwarming (feeling much, much better after spending some time here today).

  735. 1. Save expressions like “this-is-hands-down-the-best/worst [insert whatever]” for when things are actually hands-down-the-best/worst… if you do not adhere to this rule no one will every believe anything you say.
    2. Avoid passive-agressiveness at all costs; this may mean avoiding the Midwest and even Minnesota. That whole “Minnesota nice” thing is a lying bitch.
    3. Only read the Youtube comments if you are feeling particularly hate-y.
    4. In college – be slutty enough to contract mono, but not slutty enough to contract herpes.
    5. Safety first then teamwork; then conservation, hydration, and friendship.

  736. There are only two choices in life: fix it or accept it.

    This has applied to everything in my life, from my body to my marriage, and even my job. Best thing I’ve ever come up with!

    Also Laugh Too Loud!! Not only will it make you happy, it will rub off on the people around you!

  738. Didn’t have time to read all the awesome comments, but had to submit my own.

    If you feel like balancing something on your head, by all means do it. It’s best to look nonchalant. People around you initially will be confused. They won’t be able to look away. Then they’ll start to giggle. People like being surprised by randomness, and you may provide them with temporary comic relief from a really bad/boring day. That’s worth its weight in golden pandas.

    I may have done this with a bottle o’ juice at the airport yesterday. I also carry a bouncy ball in my purse. So I’m an adult.. who said I have to stop having fun?

  739. I saved this on my iPad back in May. Totally forgot it was there until today. Been having a totally crappy time of it lately for a whole lot of stupid reasons and when I found this I thought it might be worth a read….it was. I totally heart all of this and am seriously going to print it out and wallpaper my bathroom. Thank you ALL but especially Jenny!

  740. Wow … there are way too many comments to read them all (on account of my internet ADD), so I hope these haven’t been said, but I had to add them:

    1. Don’t google your medical symptoms, unless you like the thought of your stubbed toe turning into a brain tumor.

    2. The world needs more douche hyphenates (like douche-canoe). Make new ones at every opportunity. There are no shortage of douche-knobs to inspire you!

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