Hunter S. Thomcat is possibly possessed.

in Random Crap

A series of texts I sent to Victor today:

me:  Hunter is acting insane.  He just put Ferris Mewler in a headlock.

You can't see it but I suspect he has a tiny switch-blade.

Victor:  They’re fine.  Ferris looks sleepy.

me:  I’m pretty sure he was blacking out from the lack of oxygen.

Victor:  You’re overreacting.

me: Then he stalked me all day.

"You do not see me."

Victor: I don’t see him.

me:  HE’S HIDING BEHIND THE COBRA.

Victor:  Oh yeah.  He’s adorable.

me:  He just set fire to your office.

Victor: Stop texting me.

172 thoughts on “Hunter S. Thomcat is possibly possessed.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I knew it! Sneaky bastard trying to live up to his namesake

  2. Please tell me how to make photos of my cat contain flames.

    (Picmonkey.com ~ Jenny)

  6. So glad I found your Blog. You and your Lawsbians (I am catching up) make this old guy snort, guffaw and howl.
    Thank you all……

  7. Is it weird that, nine times out of ten, I end up sympathizing with Victor by the end of these posts?

  8. I think all cats are a little strange. That’s why people thought they were witches familiars. Or, they are possessed, and that’s why they worked so well as witches familiars. Y’know. whichever.

  9. What? I KNEW there were dragon cats among us! Cats are so much like dragons, what with the love of shiny things, curling up for hours and years in sleepy dens, and stalking the local cattle…ah…lizard population.

  11. I definitely see the tiny switchblade, but I think it might just be his claw. Either way, he obviously can’t be trusted!

  12. all cats are possessed and are bastards.

    that is the simple truth.

    victor better watch out, cats know things.

    bad things.

  13. Bless Victor. Bless him.
    That is all.

    Oh and Bless you. For making my days complete.
    That sounded so lame after I typed it but you know what, It’s freakin true.

  14. Okay, that’s kind of totally awesome.

    HST breathing fire, I mean. Not Victor totally disregarding your safety by not being more concerned about HST’s killer tendancies. Did he even WATCH the video where Hunter was trying to strangle you???

  18. I have one of these, his name is Angus. Similarly disturbed. Could it be an orange cat thing?

    You can see what I mean @thedailyangus

    🙂

  24. OMG… you never fail to amaze me! My cat acts a little weird too sometimes especially now. We just got a turtle, so my cat sits all day next to the turtle enclosure staring and even though I can’t hear it I’m positive she is telling him ” I hate you!! get out of my house!!! you non-furry demon creature !! I’m the baby of the house!” especially since my roommate recently mentioned how the cat moved down a notch since the turtle moved in because he loves turtles. Cosmeh (my cat) totally heard that and gave him the evil eye. I hope she doesn’t snuff me in my sleep… eeekk.

  25. Isn’t this pretty much his normal behavior? HST’s, not Victor’s…though, also Victor’s, now that I think about it. I’m basically saying that none of this should be a surprise. To anyone in the world. Right?

  26. This, is perhaps, the reason I’m a dog person.

    But, I totally like other people’s cats.

  27. I really love how you can say, he’s behind the cobra, without any need to embellish. I mean, doesn’t everyone have an epic cobra mongoose battle in their living room?

  28. I’m sorry, but you can’t give a kitten a name like that and not expect there to be repercussions. If I were you, I’d be checking around the house for his stash.

  29. Victor is gonna feel *really* dumb when he comes home and finds you strangled. Then who will have the last laugh? Huh? Well, I guess Victor, because technically… nevermind.

  30. You know they rule the house. I’m going to make mine pay my mortgage….

  32. I wish our bulldog, Wonderbutt, would stalk me. Instead, he locks eyes with me across the room, races toward me, and launches himself into my crotch. He is not exactly subtle.

  35. Cats are totally evil. Our cat has tried to die multiple times. Somehow, has come back to life every time. It’s the devil cat. But at least your cat is cute.

  36. There’s definitely something wrong. He should be lighting his farts.

  37. I love the one of him stalking. Absolutely adorable and extremely creepy all at the same times. My kids do things like that too.

  40. He’s obviously been drinking too much, if his breath is that flammable. Of course, considering his namesake, I guess that’s a given?

    Also, I get that “STOP TEXTING ME” message a lot. So does my dog. Mr. Spouse doesn’t always appreciate us the way he should.

  41. It’s like laser cats only better. And that pic of him stalking you was totally freaky. I’d sleep with the door closed tonight.

  45. Love it!! And he is adorable….And we need to have “Like” buttons on comments as well 🙂

  46. HA! HST has you fooled! He’s not stalking. He’s plotting.

    Biiiiiiig difference.

  48. I’m totally making pictures of my kitties breathing fire.

    Now I just need to get kitties.

    Help – send kitties!

  50. My DOG would eat your cobra/rodent/wood statue-then dry hump Lady Godiva thingie, and by afternoon his ass would be a fire breathing H.S.T during his 4:30pm (sharp) bowel movement his has in our local forest.
    I too would text my husband about this, and the forest fire my DOG had caused. But he wouldn’t believe me, and tell me to stop texting him also. My communtiy would burn down, and it would be his (husbands) fault.
    Texting should be taken seriously!

  51. It saddens me greatly that the kitten I adopted made our dog Morgan look like one of those demons from TV. You know what I’m talking about – they always have the scary all black eyes and look like they just want to eat you. Yeah, that was Morgan. Poor kitty had to go back to the rescue because it would have broken my heart to see her injured. Anyway. Now I want a fire breathing cat. Even Morgan would know better than to mess with it, at least after the first time.

  53. I hate how they only do that stuff when the significant other is out of the house. Then they think you send photoshopped pics or something. I hope he was sorry when he got home to his charred office.

  54. all Orange Tabbies are CRAZY!! I have one that can be the biggest jackhole ever!!! Nothing is safe, if Nacho decides he want the object no longer in his presence then it is striken down and knocked onto the floor. I can go on and on about the $hit that PITA does on a daily basis….

  56. I like to forward copies of your texts to your husband to my husband. Then he doesn’t think I’m all that weird anymore. Thanks!!! 🙂

  57. I need to learn how to photoshop things for the only reason that I would be able to harass the Mr. properly. Currently, I have no idea how to add flames to anything OR how to make myself look like a zombie. I really need to step up my game.

  58. WHOA!!!!! How cool is that flame picture!! How’d you DO that, you brilliant photographer, you?

  59. You should always be careful what you name cats. I had one that was named Sabbath (because he was black) and he was nucking futs.
    Do not name your cats after anything having to do with killing, insanity, or Ozzy Osbourne.

  60. Cats are awesome. And by awesome I mean pychopaths. Whom I voluntarily allow to sleep in my bed and pounce on my head every morning.

  61. Ah, yes. They DO hide don’t they.

    I accidentally got scratched to hell by one of mine this AM because I was petting another one and this dude went to scratch the other dude in the face. Got my hand instead. Fun times. Danged cat!!

    Yours are cute, though, fire and all.

  62. This would be why I have dogs. Although my daughter wants a cat. Perhaps these pics would change her mind. 😉

  63. My asshole cat was being weirder than usual so I took her in to the vet. They diagnosed her as having “mental issues”. Apparently my cat has anxiety issues too. GO FIGURE. No wonder she’s my cat. She does not, however, breathe fire. That’s a shame.

  64. In my opinion, any SMS conversation that doesn’t end with “Stop texting me” was probably not worth having in the first place.

  69. All cats are at least minimally borderline insane. That’s why I named by cat Lassie. So I could mess with her little head first.

  70. You’d think Victor would be more worried about his papers getting burnt. Pssh. Clearly he’s not as serious about his work as you are.

  72. Well at least we’ve had a Ferris Mewler sighting… been too long since he’s graced this page. Any chance he instigated whatever HST was caught doing to him?

  73. I cannot be certain on this computer, but are those FANGS? In addition to the fire? I swear I see fangs.

  75. Not sure if it was already mentioned in the comments or not. HST is a ginger……enough said.

  78. The fact that you can actually say the words “he’s hiding behind the cobra” to Victor is beyond awesome. God bless him!

  79. Cats are evil. I’d normally say that’s why I like them, but I think my cat Eowyn might actually be plotting to kill me through psychological torture.

  82. I have a crazed orange cat his name is Otis he constantly torments his sister Sookie’

  83. my cats stalk me constantly …. from the window sills, underneath the bathroom door, at the end of the bed…. psycho’s.

  84. I wish there was a “like” button for all the comments, because I never knew I wanted a fire breathing kitty until now.

  85. Is it weird that 90% of the people who respond to your blog are also people who a blog? Do you think that they read your blog to get ideas? Do you think that they leave comments so that you will know that they have a blog, too? Or do you think that they leave a comment so that people like me will see it and be intrigued, and click on their blog?
    Isn’t it amazing that there are so many blogs? I am trying to convince my mother-in-law to create a blog, so that she will quit calling me and telling me everything that she did that day. My in-laws live in a 65+ community in Florida. I can tell you everything is going on in her church and everything that is going on with her neighbors at any given time of the day. I can even tell you which ones are on the way out.

  86. It is true that cats must be adorable, otherwise we would not be such easy prey for their obvious evil. You want to point and say, “Evil! Evil! E-VIL!!!” but instead you find yourself going, “Ah, how adorable!” It’s all a part of their evil plan.

  87. I’m more worried about the cobra…the cat’s adorable!! Mine leaps out and grabs my legs while I’m walking around…dangerous!

  88. my cat was yowling like a SOB yesterday, I run over to check out what was happening, and she’s just sitting in the middle of the floor. so creepy.

  92. and they say red-headed women have tempers?

    nice kitty?….(speak softly and wear armor….hunter is on the prowl and possesses murderous thoughts….)

  93. That is some very substantial evidence. I don’t think Victor should dismiss it so quickly.

    Also, I feel this sudden need to add flames to some of my old family photos.

  94. He’s a cat. So, yeah, he’s possessed. THEY ARE ALL POSSESSED.

  97. Jenny. I have four cats. Three of them are actually blood related. Mama, and her sons Twisty and Prince. And adopted son/brother Thombrady. Only with the help of Prozac, amitriptyline, at least twice daily cleaned cat boxes, and Feliway diffusers, (three of them for less than 2000 sq. ft.) do they sort of sometimes tolerate/maybe like each other and not fuck up my shit. I have witnessed an ever-shifting like/tolerate/love/hate relationship amongst my feline friends. Frankly I have no idea what happens when we sleep. I think every night may be some cat version of Carnival in Rio de Janeiro. I base this assessment on the vomit, hairballs, fur, food packages chewed open and partially violated (as recently as last week, a bag of egg noodles?????), occasional inappropriate urination, and oh yeah, the total balls out (odd, as they have no balls) screaming-cat-fight (complete with the trifecta of anal gland expression, pissing, and shitting) that woke me up from sweet, sweet slumber at 2:30am the other night. So yeah. They are insane. They are stalkers. They are possibly evil, and they certainly do not care about my beauty sleep. But they are also, sometimes, adorable. Uugg. You and Victor are both right!

  100. I read this to my husband and victor got no sympathy. My cat is old and cries very pitifully when she’s locked out of the room at night so I always let her in. Then 4 out of 5 times she horks up a hairball right on sleeping hubby’s head. Frankly I’m surprised we’re BOTH still alive after all these years!

  101. I used to have a kitten – tiny, fuzzy, only just barely on its own, kitten – that we named Demonspawn.

    Had to. It would climb up the couch, curl up next to you, and just purrrrrrrrrrr (which supposedly means a cat is open to social interaction and affection) to lure you into petting it.

    As soon as you started petting, it attacked. Every tiny needle like claw would latch into you, and it would bite bite bite. Plus, we had to lock it in another room when my roommates baby was in the babyswing, or the satanic beast would attack the baby’s feet. We gave it away. It was adopted by the adorable heathen brats of a neighbor several blocks away. He hated it, but the kids insisted it was the sweetest, nicest, cutest, bestest kitten ever.

    I haven’t heard from any of them in 20 years, though…

  102. Cats are evil and know this and they know that we know this and that’s what makes them more evil but it is clear that HST knows you have that streak too – but in a more human lovin way – and is just keeping his distance from you in case you set him alight just so you can tell Victor, ‘see, I told ya all, he just tried to hard to set things on fire and did it to himself’

    It’s 4.03 and I’m rambling as I should be asleep – just ignore me or it could be that I am still radioactive from my scan yesterday who knows

    Xxx

  104. Also, according to Kim @#85 I am in the scant 10% minority of non-blogger commentators. No blog to promote. Just want you (and your readers) to be (maybe) entertained by my comments. Also, mostly, just like to have an open forum to spew my comments. Also, luckily, my MOL already blogs. About her extreme leftism. Go MOL. 🙂

  105. It’s official. Your new house is haunted and now Hunter is possessed. Call the Long Island Medium.

  107. Hah!

    Victor doesn’t see that you’re trying to do him a favor.

    Also, it would be funny if your phones got switched magically, and then he would understand, because a part of Hunter is now in your phone…like a Horcrux.

    I just woke up so I may not be talking too much sense now.

  110. Do you think he’s working with Victor and that’s why Victor is all “You’re overreacting. He’s cute. Don’t text me or I’ll call the cops on you two.”? Okay, the cops part I added to make it a little more dramatic. Maybe you should find out if Victor is not bribing him to do that. You know, by giving him some extra tuna behind your back or something.

  112. Now my cats are trying to learn how to breathe flames. This is probably not a Good Thing.

  113. Pfffffft, he was just jealous because there was no way that anything he had going on was going to trump a fire-breathing cat.

  114. PS…you make me want to NOT be allergic to them. If I’d known that one day they’d evolve this magnificently…I would have fought harder.

  115. Been reading the news.

    Out of France.

    Don’t ask.

    Some days I need you to survive.

    This is the last thing I read. I saved it for last. Because I knew I’d need it. Thank you.

  118. You just need a dog to take the brunt of their abuse. They’ll forget about you in a heartbeat. Well, until you try to sleep or they’re hungry…again.

  119. Jenny, you’re not screwed up just because you think your cat is stalking you. You’re the kind of screwed up that is more troubled by the mere fact that your (possibly possessed) cat is stalking you than by its chosen hiding place behind your very own mongoose vs. cobra death match statue thingy.

    No offense.

  122. Your blog makes my freaking day. Every day. And your book is my favorite thing in the world right now (except for my demon cats, Bunny Rabbit and Ralphy Cat). I hope you have a productive day.

  123. Does the S stand for Satan? Cos I think that fire-breath is something of a telltale sign.
    I was going to suggest a cat exorcist… but The Hook beat me to it.
    Smart arse.

  126. I’m sure he said stop texting me because he was in a meeting and couldn’t keep a straight face.

  127. You’re right to be concerned. My poor departed pusscat spent the last couple of years of her life torturing me. It started off with the stalking, the watching, the hiding. It progressed to hiding around corners in wait for me. Whenever I walked past, she’d leap out and jump onto my leg digging all four feet-full of claws right into my flesh so she could cling, and then bite. And would not let go. It got so as I was terrified to walk through the house. She only did it to me, never my husband. The vet told me it was a sign of affection. Affection from the Antichrist maybe!

  129. Cats don’t even need switchblades cuz they have sharp stuff naturally attached all over their bodies. Just brush my cat Josie in one spot for too long and she’ll cut you without any warning. Truly, that is her only flaw.

  130. I am new to your blog – and it already pretty much makes my day. And yes, like Anjin, I too sympathize with Victor often. 🙂

  131. I used to have an orange tabby, his name was George, but we think he was originally Mexican or Spanish, because sometimes we called him Jorge, and he was indeed muy loco. Plus he loved to curl up in the bathroom sink and have us run water on him. ON HIM. See? Muy loco, at least compared to a normal cat.

  132. I MUST learn to do the fire-breathing-picture thing for the Great Pyrenees…he already looks just like Falcor. I think he needs that extra oomph.

    Ferris is either very patient or the sub in that catlationship.

  133. If that’s a “small demon cat,” I’d hate to see what a large one could do. My guess is that it involves brimstone, too.

  134. Totally random: my yorkie likes to lick the head of the same frog all summer. I try to keep them apart but the frog shows up on the step.

  138. It’s totally an orange-cat thing. I have one and he’s “special” for the lack of a better word.

  140. My husband works from home with our two cats (they don’t so much work as distract him), and he routinely sends me pictures of our one cat laying in wait. Mainly these are pictures of our living room with a set of bright green eyes looking out from under the chair, or a paw reaching around the couch. I feel like he and Hunter S. Tomcat may be related. La Bamba is very bitey though, so I hope not for your sake.

  143. I just go with the theory that all my livestock are possessed and get on with my day. It makes things so much easier and I don’t have to explain….

  144. My daughter’s cats “mime fight.” They wrassle and half-nelson each other with silent, ninja-like ability, raking each others tender bits with back claws. It is awesome to behold. Then the alpha ninja will head-lock the beta ninja and lick his head. It looks like love, but I think he’s really basting him. For, you know. Later.

  146. Victor should probably start taking Hunter a little more seriously. One night Hunter will pull that little blade on him and you’ll be all “I tried to warn you” and Victor will be “You were right; I should never have doubted your powers of observation my darling, brilliant wife”

  151. In the first picture, it looks very much as if Hunter has taken possession of Ferris Mewler’s disembodied head… which would not actually surprise me. At all.

  152. i think what i love best about your blog, jenny, is the snapshots of the conversations you have with your husband. yall crack me up.

  156. My 18-year-old son called while I was in a meeting the other day to tell me our cat Fred was “so damned fat.”

  158. FYI: LPTNH has gotten 6 recs on a list of books for a terminally-ill book lover to read in his/her last days. yarnharlot.com

  159. Your conversations with him are hilarious. Don’t you just love it when they tell you to “stop talking”? You know you’ve reached that point where they just can’t take anymore lol.

  161. My boy kitties like to wrestle too. I’m sure they’re both packing weapons. Good times. On a lighter note, apparently conjunctivitis took down Nathan Fillion for Dallas Comic Con. I suspect it was because he knew I was going to be there. I had twine and everything.

  166. “You do not see me” behind Marie – what happened here??? – Antoinette and the weasel/cobra death match has to be one of the best cat caption (cat-ptions) ever.

  167. Needed a break because my recent upward titration is mindfucking me. Coming here always helps.

    PS- my psycho-kitty is named Manson for a reason.

  168. Hahahaha the stalking photo caught me off guard and so I made a very strange laughing noise that startled me. Love your blog.

  172. Yes, Anjin, to my great dismay, I do as well. But I do think it’s sympathy for my own husband. .. I’m just deflecting mostly.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading