Apparently we’re all full up on horses asses in this house.

in Random Crap

Texts to Victor…

me:  Hey, guess what?  I finally found the perfect barstools!

Victor:  Wow.  That had better be a half-assed attempt at a joke.

me:  You’re terrible at math.  It’s at least two asses full.  Plus, we’ll look like centaurs from the back.  SO AWESOME.

Victor:  I’m canceling all of your credit cards until you’re responsible enough to not shop for furniture at places that have dirt instead of carpet.

206 thoughts on “Apparently we’re all full up on horses asses in this house.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. I may have just died from laughing and am commenting from the afterlife. Those are AWESOME. I just need to talk my husband into them now. I mean, who couldn’t want to look like a centaur from the back??

  5. I cannot decide whether I am more in love with you or with Victor.

    I am a little sad you didn’t take pictures of one of you sitting on one of the stools, so we could test the centaur theory.

  9. I’ve supported some of your more fantastical leanings (like Beyonce and even the snake awhile back) but I might have to put my hoof… I mean foot down on this one.

    Step away from the horse bar stools. Step very very far away.

  10. Buy them, anyway, and when he grouches about it, tell him, “Why the long face?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  11. Is Victor being a horses “ass” ? 😉

    Kidding… I love them, want them, need them.

  13. I’ll co-sign a new credit card for you. Those would go perfectly with my hot pink cuckoo clock, stuffed don king looking squirrel and rubber chicken named Henrietta who takes up residence in my living room.

  18. Those are completely bloody amazing! I should clearly *start* shopping for furniture that have dirt instead of carpet….

  19. Holy shitballs, Jenny. People should know by now just to SEND you shit like this. FREE. Like, you call to order stuff and when they ask you your name and you’re all, “Jenny, Jenny Lawson” they’ll be all, “HOLY FUCK! PUT YOUR CREDIT CARD AWAY YOUR HIGHNESS!!!!!!”

  20. What’s that saying, a horse’s ass under yours is worth more than two in a bushel?

    Wait, I think I’m mixing up my animals again. Oh nevermind, just tell Victor they’d be awesome conversation starters. I mean hell, need he look any further than your own blog for proof of THAT? 😉

  21. My dad used to say, there are more horses asses than horses in the world. You just proved his theory.

  22. The question really isn’t, “why would you want a horses ass bar stool” … the question is, “why WOULDN’T you.” Those, definitely, are a must-have!

  24. You should send one of these to Governor Perry. I’m sure he’d appreciate the likeness!

  29. How can you not get them? They are Ass stools for your ass. It is impossible for anything to be more perfect.

    Also, it should be required that anyone sitting on the ass stool wear a unicorn hat.

    The only thing better than a centaur is a unicorn centaur.

  31. Awesome! At least you’re adventurous enough to at the very least consider them and at the most explain them should anyone invited over be bold enough to ask. I think they’re artistic 🙂

  32. So what you’re saying is that you bought dozens of these and have replaced every seat in the entire house with them. And are currently working with a plumber to turn one into a toilet.

    I mean, obviously.

  33. Well, I WAS happy with the like-new barstools I found for $40 at a secondhand store. Now I’m just disappointed by how plain and boring they are. If Victor’s really pissed, I’d be happy to trade with you 🙂

  35. I love your conversations with Victor! I can’t believe he doesn’t want those ass seats; that man has no taste….. in furniture…… he so totally has good taste in women. Look who he married! 🙂

  36. Victor should have his credit cards canceled for not going along with your plans to buy these. Gosh, perfect barstool for you better half and he doesn’t even appreciate the gesture. Men.

  38. “I’m canceling all of your credit cards until you’re responsible enough to not shop for furniture at places that have dirt instead of carpet.”

    But it’s Texas! You can’t possibly expect to find great furniture in carpeted stores in Texas.

  39. Obviously he doesn’t know the designers code of “all the best stuff comes from stores that have dirt floors instead of carpets”.

  40. I thought they were fancy wine mugs at first. I just thought I wasn’t posh enough to understand rich people ways.

  41. *sigh* I am afraid this is just one more proof that Victor is not yet aware of what is awesome and what is ridiculous. The stools? Awesome. Canceling credit cards? Ridiculous.

  42. Is it bad that I’d have to paint them up to look like My Little Ponies if they ended up in my house? It would mean I’d need 6 of them… but they’d be awesome.

  45. Nope Victor is dead wrong there you can find some of the best stuff in places with dirt instead of carpets. Also it’s Texas doesn’t he want to support small businesses, they are the backbone of the economy. Hasn’t he seen the commercial?

  46. If Victor wants to be a spoil sport and hide your credit cards, you can always take to The Twitter and have all your Lawsbians pay for your centaur butt stools. Check and mate, Victor!

  50. Those are hilarious. Someone actually had to come up with the idea to create those. That would be an interesting meeting.

  53. Jenny I think you’d make a hot centaur! Tell me you atleast too a pick of yourself sitting in one!!! I would have totally asked a complete stranger to take my pic on the horse’s ass!

  54. You really need those. If the cougar comes attacking, they can be weapons.

    I used to do taxidermy for a major museum. I can teach you how to do your own basic taxidermy with mostly little financial outlay.

  55. They’re horrifying! That said, I have the perfect spot, right in my living room. and everyone who sees them would be all the better for having been there. I’m all about making the world a better place to live!

  56. Are you sure those are horses asses? They look too short for horses. They’re too tall for Shetland Ponies, too. Maybe they’re ass asses, as in donkey’s and/or mules?

  57. That is, with little financial outlay. Cut and paste went wrong.

  58. I just saw one of those at an antique market here in KC. Except they’d painted the horse actual horse colors. I tried to get my mom to sit in it for a picture, but she refused. Something about ‘being a horses ass’. I argued that she wouldn’t be the ass, but the front. She’d be a centaur! She still said “no”.

  59. Buy them, take them home and when Victor freaks out, say “At least they’re not towels!” And then claim that you made a “half-assed” attempt to tell him earlier.

  60. I sort of love those.

    It is probably a good thing I’m not super rich. Between stuff like this and my strange obsession with pastel zoo animals, my house would be a very strange place.

  65. So, someone could walk into the room and exclaim, “Horse’s patootie!” and it wouldn’t be a mild/mildly amusing cuss? I need one.

  67. Hold out for the day you find taxidermied horses ass bar stools.

  69. I don’t understand why Victor doesn’t just give up at this point. Hasn’t he been married to you long enough to KNOW that the places with dirt are the first place you go?

  78. I lived in Texas for 32 years and never found anything that cool, even shopping in the hill country. You should give advertising shout outs. And Victor is dead wrong.

  81. Oh god, they must be about 2 grand because I love them and I have expensive taste. You can’t post something like that and not tell us where you saw them.

  82. Just tell Victor you would never do a half-assed attempt at a joke, while sitting in the half ass horse, and he might let you buy them

  84. Oh these trump the saddle stools at the Laguinitas beer tasting room! I want to be a beer drinking Centaur!

  86. Furniture stores that have dirt instead of carpet are the best kind of furniture stores. That’s where all the class is.

  91. It would be a crime if you DIDN’T buy those. Seriously, awesome addition to any home.

  93. How do you FIND these things?! I NEVER find cool stuff like this when I’m shopping. Dude, you are like a magnet for weird stuff – it finds YOU!

  94. *dies*

    When I first starting reading your blog, I thought Victor was just some poor schlub who had somehow been trapped into marriage with a wild and crazy woman like you, and wondered why you wanted this dull guy. Now I’ve finally realized that he just hides it better! ;D

  95. Lol @ Victor. I would pay good money to be a fly on the wall at your house for a day. Thanks for being you and sharing yourself with the rest of us. 🙂

  96. Or a satyr (half goat half man)…the tail would be wrong but being a satyr you would be expected to be staning on only two hooves (just like the stools) and have no place to sit on your back. But if people thought you were a centaur they’d be all like…Where’s the rest of your back? Where do I sit? How can I ride you off into the woods? Then you would have to get into a big arugment about why you didn’t want to be ridden into the woods because clearly you are a wild creature of the plains who shouldn’t be tamed…and who has the time for that?

    – Sometimes I write things, then realize what a big geek I am, then I can’t decide if I should be ashamed or proud.

  97. Ha ha! Those are great! And my husband would be BEGGING me to get them!

  98. Jessica has it backwards… It’s the reverse of a mullet. They’re bar stools, right? And asses? That means they’re party in the front and business in the back… Yeah, I went there. 😛

  99. Definitely unicorn butts. And I’m a little disappointed that there is no pic of you sitting in one.

  100. Those are some nice big ass stools. I do think you need pictures of people sitting in them so we can see if you really do look like a centaur from behind.

  101. Awesome bar stools!! I think they are even better than the ones that make you look like you’re wearing a thong when you sit down in them. Personally, I’d much rather look like a centaur. 😀

  104. please for the love of all things good, take a picture of you and/or victor sitting in your half ass stools looking proud centaurs.

  106. Dirt instead of carpet.

    Priceless. Classic. Perfection.

    I’m kinda loving Victor, as creepy as that may be.

    And I gotta say, your ass is hot.

  111. You are amazingly funny. And I love how you have a witty quip for EVERYTHING!!! You’re just plain amazing.

  112. Hey, so you got a wild mare up your ass and bought some horse stools. It happens. Though in hindsight, you should have just told him you bought horse stools without sending a photo. Then once you brought them home, he would have been relieved that it wasn’t the alternative.

  115. I think you’ll look more like Fauns then centaurs, but who’s keeping track anymore. Still AWESOME!

  120. I think you and Victor have a very similar relationship to me and my husband. This obviously means we are both awesome…and that we enjoy yanking our husband’s chains…figuratively, of course. What you do with your husband’s chain in real life is your business.

    As long as the police don’t need to be involved.

    Here’s a post about what I said in voicemails I left my husband that I knew he’d never listen to.

    http://lisanewlin.com/2013/03/voicemails-to-my-husband-a-love-story/

  124. I want 25 of those stools for my front yard, place randomly. Then I want to have a party. And it will get dark and we’ll light a big fire, and all look like centaurs in the flickering shadows. Oh yeah. Somebody leak it to the local paper, please.

  126. I wonder how many of those were originally made?
    and asking WHY will just confuse my brain.

  128. it’s like Victor meets you for the first time everyday! i think he should worry when those texts stop…

  129. When I look at the one closest in the pic, I can’t help, but feel as if that horse’s ass is getting ready to bust a fart….with the tail up and all.

  130. I showed them to my boo. First he said “Why?” and then he said “No.” I should go hide my card, too. We are truly in need of new chairs. I think we need those.

  133. My girlfriend threatened to cut off my credit card when I bought vagina bookends. My point is that these people are crazy! With your horse ass stools and my vagina bookends we have the start of one great playroom for an evil dictator.

  134. Those are AWESOME! I definitely need those for my lake house – Specifically for my husband and his best friend (who I loathe – the best friend, not the husband). They are perfect 😀

  137. I think shopping at a place that has dirt instead of carpet is brilliant! You always know what you’re going to find at a place that has carpet, but with dirt it’s just one surprise after another…

  142. The best seat in the house…. And I have a perfect occupant; my ex-husband! Depending on the day he’s either a world class gnat or the biggest jack-ass you’ll ever meet!

  143. Your husband is SO UNREASONABLE! How can those not be a good idea? They’re incredibly versatile – not only are they stools and will make your butt look cool when you sit in them, but the cats will love them and will finally have the long legs they’ve always wanted and you can use them as a base for sculptures (I envision two toothsome horses fighting to the death) and you can put plants on them and put them by the front door so that people have to pass through the horsetails to get into your home…my god, the possibilities are endless. Why doesn’t Victor see this?
    Do you need to borrow my credit cards? They’re mostly maxed-out but if you put them all together, I think they could all chip in enough to cover these.

  148. Haha, the dirt v. carpet observation is so true. Except Victor’s got it backwards, the dirt floor is totally a pre-requisite to amazing furniture choices.

  152. I’m amazed that someone came up with the idea to create these. I mean they’re pretty cool, but what kind of decor screams out for horse’s ass stools?

  153. I wish I had been drinking when I hit the comment – Quarter Horses!!!!! Spit take, take me away.

    Victor was probably thinking, dirt =’s stalls, stalls =’s poo, poo =’s Jenny in the dog house….
    Too bad the tails weren’t real. HA

  154. For real…this weekend I actually got hugged by two horses and two donkeys. My husband was just looking at me like I was crazy for walking into a horse corral. It is like boys don’t even understand us girls…

  158. They were ridiculous and kitschy until you mentioned the centaurs, now they are AMAZING! you could paint them to match your coloring! I am so much more excited about this than I should be

  159. You know who else doesn’t have carpets in their stores? Pottery Barn. Guess who’ll be selling horse ass chairs next season? Victor clearly knows nothing about trendsetting.

  161. Those horses’ asses have HORRIBLE conformation. Wouldn’t buy them at all. Probably unsound and won’t hold up to everyday use.

  162. Oh I want those so bad! Anything that makes you look like a centaur from the back is a win!

  164. I have the feeling these stools would get better the drunker you got. Plus you’d have a great excuse to scream “Yippee ki yay, motherfucker!”, although really does one even NEED an excuse? That phrase is awesome enough on its own to warrant reason-free yelling.

  166. I’m in the middle of treatment for breast cancer and your blog is a huge huge HUGE part of what keeps my spirits up. Thank you!!!!

  167. Hahaha, a store that has carpet instead of dirt! Yeah, maybe time to upgrade on the store selections. Awesome.

  169. Those are made of pure awesome! So full of win. How does Victor not see this? At least it’s not towels…

  171. You’re both wrong with the math. Because they’re scooped out to let you sit comfortably, each is only half an ass (and if they aren’t horses, but donkeys, which I seriously doubt, then they’re about a fifth of an ass). If there are two of them, you have a total of one ass.
    Maybe Victor was hopeful that you only intended to get one for you, and leave him with a boring stool, so that’s where the half ass comment could have come from.

  174. Those are amazing! Would be better though if you could slip your legs to hide them. It would look like a bar full of satyrs.

  176. Seriously though, if Victor wont let you get them pass along the link so I CAN GET THEM!!!! It will be almost as good 😉

  178. You may have found yourself in Medusa’s garden. Run now, then read Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief so you’ll be able to spot these things yourself in the future.

  180. I forwarded the photo to my boyfriend and told him I found his future barstools. His reply was a disappointing “not so much” when what I was hoping to read was “nay”. Missed opportunity!

  184. speaking of half assed, there is a miniature donkey farm up the road from here called Half Assed.

  186. Watching Clink Eastwood and reading you. Don’t know who’s more of a badass!

  187. What’s wrong with shopping at stores that have dirt floors? I’m offended, Victor.

  189. I cannot WAIT to move back to Texas (3 weeks)! My husband is going to DIE when he finds out there is stuff like this all over the place. Such a great state!

  190. so if one wanted to look like a centaur where would I find those barstools? My mom NEEDS those in her house!

  192. OMG….I must have those…..AWESOMENESS….
    Did you buy them? Where are they?

  194. I’m sorry but those are 20 ways of awesome. Kind of like the bar stools that make everyone look like they are wearing a thong. That would be in a bar in Florida. Because that is appropriate. 😀

  195. Oh no, I wasn’t quite ready for that. I do not want them because they make me snort and spray my coffee.

  196. ZOMG! I love those so much. Was Victor trying to make upon when he said half assed?
    (You know what’s funny? I’ve had to learn the military also that to be able to spell things with my speech software and it didn’t know how to say Victor, so to spell “Victor,” I had to say “Victor India Charlie tango Oscar Romeo,” the first word of which — you might have noticed — is “VICTOR”!

  201. I needed the laugh that gave me… I started to tear up I was laughing so hard.

  202. Bahahahaha – you should buy these should be for your next wedding anniversary!!

  203. arghhhh – laughing too much – previous comment should read: “You should buy these for your next wedding anniversary!”

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading