And that’s the best way to respond to: “WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?”

in Random Crap

Conversation with Victor after the 40,000th time I failed to answer my phone:

Victor:  I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU.  WHY DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING ANSWER YOUR PHONE WHEN I CALL YOU?

me:  I didn’t hear it because I was too busy yelling at some idiot who claimed that you weren’t the most understanding and patient husband in the world.

Victor:  I…don’t even know what to say to that.

me:  You should probably just say “Thank you.”

 

The 40,001st time I failed to answer my phone:

Victor:  AAAAH.  IT’S A PHONE, JENNY.  JUST ANSWER IT.

me:  *mumble mumble*

Victor:  What?  What are you saying?

me: *mumble mumble*

Victor:  WHAT?

me: That was me practicing what it would sound like if I was gagged and bound and finally answered the phone with my nose to tell you which abandoned warehouse I was stuck in.  And you failed.

Victor:  WHAT?

me:  Because maybe that’s why I wasn’t answering my phone.  Maybe it was to make this drill seem more realistic.  I can’t just reach my phone immediately if I’m tied up.  IT TAKES FINESSE.

Victor:  You’re killing me here.

me:  It won’t always be a drill, Victor.  Get your shit together.

 

The 40,002nd time:

Victor:  YOU HAVEN’T ANSWERED YOUR PHONE IN HOURS.  I’VE BEEN WORRIED SICK THAT YOU’D BEEN MANGLED IN AN ACCIDENT.

me:  But I wasn’t.  I just turned the ringer off accidentally.  You must be very relieved.

Victor:  RELIEVED?  I’M PISSED.

me:  Well, that’s really the very opposite emotion to have when finding out that your wife is less-mangled-than-expected.  I think maybe you need to re-prioritize and call me back when you’re less confusing and ready to apologize.

 

The 40,003rd time:

Victor: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED?  WHAT IF I JUST NEVER ANSWERED YOUR CALLS?

me:  Hello.  I just found this phone.  I’m not Jenny.

Victor:  I FUCKING KNOW IT’S YOU.

me:  The girl who dropped this phone is inside a flaming building saving orphans. She told me to hold her phone for her in case you called.  How are you?

Victor:  Seriously, why can’t you just answer your phone?

me:  Why is the sky blue?  Why can’t they just make orphans fire-proof?  Frankly, we could ask these questions all day, but the main point is that your wife is a hero and you should probably bring her some egg rolls on your way home because I bet she’d like that.

 

The 40,004th time:

Victor:  AAAAARGH!

me:  You know, at this point it’s sort of your fault for expecting me to answer the phone at all.  It’s not like I haven’t set a precedent.

Victor:  JUST ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE.

me:  Technically if I answered right away the first time you called it would be totally out of character and would probably be a sign that I was being held hostage or something.  We should have code words so that if I ever need to talk to you in front of kidnappers you’ll understand me.

Victor:  I already don’t understand you.

me:  That’s why it’s good we’re having this conversation now.

 

The 40,005th time:

Victor:  I’m going to duct tape your phone to your ankle.

me:  That would make it very hard to talk to you.  I’m not really that flexible.

Victor:  But at least you’d answer the phone.

me:  Technically the doctor would probably answer the phone.

Victor:  What?

me:  Because I’m allergic to the latex in tape and I’d probably have a massive reaction and then I’d have to go the hospital and then they’d call the police because normal husbands don’t stick poisonous tape to their wives like some sort of deadly ankle-monitor.  And then you’d have to explain that to the police.  Who would be talking to you from my ankle.  Which would just be weird for all of us.

 

The 40,006th time:

Victor:  WHAT IF I WAS DEAD?  WHAT IF THIS WAS THE POLICE CALLING TO TELL YOU I JUST DIED?

me:  Well, that would be very depressing.

Victor:  Yes, but you’d never know because you never answer your phone.

me:  You can’t begrudge me a few extra hours of blissful ignorance.  Why are you in such a hurry to make me grieve for you?  It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.

 

The 40,007th time:

me:  OH MY GOD, DON’T YELL AT ME.  I DIDN’T EVEN HEAR IT RING BEFORE.

Victor:  Um…this is actually the first time I’ve called you today.  You actually picked up the phone the first time I called.

me:  Seriously?  That’s so weird.

Victor:  I know.  I’m so shocked that you answered that I don’t even remember why I called anymore.  My mind has gone utterly blank.

me:  Awesome.  I think we just switched bodies.

 

********

On an entirely personal note, this week has been sort of shitty, and if things keep going the way they have been I suspect that by Saturday kittens will go extinct and I’ll have my face eaten off by horses.  But just when I was feeling really sorry for myself I got a note from my editor telling me that my book (Let’s Pretend This Never Happened) has been on the NYT best-seller list for the last three months.  Which is insane.  And amazing.  And completely thanks to you and your fantastic support.  So I’m doing another give-away as a small way to say “thanks”.  Leave a comment (about anything) and I’ll randomly pick a few winners to get signed copies of my book.  Or, if you already have my book I’ll just give you the $15 and you can buy something by Neil Gaiman.  That guy’s amazing.

2,278 thoughts on “And that’s the best way to respond to: “WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?””

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Thank you for being you and for being so articulate. Also, for sharing. And thanks to Victor as well!

  2. Ahh!!! I’m definitely the “Victor” in my relationship. I swear my husband hits the “ignore” button on real-life/in-person conversations just like he does with his phone 🙂

  5. I’m also the Victor here. My wife never answer her cell, totally drives me nuts.

  6. You got me through about three weeks of not wanting to function by the sheer power of hilariousness and the thought that maybe I am not a tribe of one. On a somewhat-related note, I gleefully picked up a skull for my bone garden during forced walkies this morning, only to be told by my foster daughter that it’s a cat skull. #conflicted

  8. ME!!! I MET NEIL GAIMAN LAST WEEKEND WHEN HE WAS AT THE TRAIN STATION WITH AMANDA PALMER! TRUE STORY! ASK HIM! SHE WAS ON HER WAY TO A BENEFIT FOR THE MERMAID PARADE AND BECAUSE THE MERMAID PARADE WAS SAVED FROM EXTINCTION IN PART DUE TO HER EFFORTS…I AM GOING TO BUY A BLUE TUTU AND START ASSEMBLING A MERMAID COSTUME!!!

    Please, please pick me. Your book has been on my Amazon wish list and I’m too poor to buy it for myself and my Boyfriend is too sharp to buy it for me because he thinks you’ll “give me ideas.” (which is true)

  9. Victor! I feel your pain! The husband never answers his phone. I’ve given everyone my best friend’s phone number as my emergency contact because I could be dead and he would never know. He’d just wonder why dinner was late.

    Hope your week gets better!

  10. Saving your book for summer reading. Because I think that’s the best time to read about taxidermied animals and depression. Wait, is that what your book is about? Maybe I’m following the wrong blog.

  11. The only reason that the right to not answer your phone isn’t in the Constitution is that Ben Franklin hadn’t invented them yet. Don’t make us do an amendment, people!

  12. *mumble mumble*

    Also, I hope your face doesn’t get eaten off by horses, it would be harder for you to articulate your hilarious awesomeness if that happened.

  13. I am so the Victor in this scenario. Now if only the explanations I got as to why he never answers the phone were half this entertaining.

  16. I hope the suckage gets better. Here’s to Rainbow Unicorns and rad photo shoots and pools that magically fix and fill themselves.

  17. I wouldn’t answer the phone from this point on, cause I am mean like that. And when I do, I find some really annoying noise to make just to tick my husband off. So, really, Victor should be happy he isn’t married to me. Point that out to him next time, at least you answer eventually.

  18. I like free books.
    I also like your blog, it makes me like people a little bit more.
    But only a little

  19. And this is why I never call my wife. Right. Yes. That’s the ticket.

  21. A comment about ANYthing? Ok! If I want to wire 35 3mm LED lights in a non-uniform pattern, should I wire them in parallel or series?

    Or maybe I should just take up bowling and forget the artsy shit that is going to make me more insane than VanGogh – and who the hell knows what I’ll lop off instead of an ear?

    Plus, I’m showing that this is the first comment, but it will be interesting to see that 193 have been posted in the time it took me to type this.

  22. Can I get a gift certificate for a Neil Gaiman book signed by you?

    Or your book signed by Neil?

  23. Gah, the typo in the first line is so distracting that I am having trouble reading the rest. I’ll be back.

  24. I’m reading your book at work, and have giggled out loud more times than I care to admit. It’s awesome.

  25. LMAO this was an amusing post.

    I already have your book. I’ll take the $15. Do you need my Paypal address? 🙂

  26. Today has been terrible and I briefly considered quitting 5 minutes ago. I need a free book. And a cookie.

  27. I never answer my phone either …. but I like you’re idea of having a planned conversation for if/when one of the people in the relationship gets kidnapped. I watch WAY too much crime drama (Criminal Minds, Motive, Bones, CSI) and people get kidnapped ALL THE TIME. It’s like safe words, but REALLY… SAFE words.

  28. I’m sorry you are having a bad week. Sometimes the best news in the world doesn’t lift the veil that has fallen over us. Hang in there.

  31. I got my mom a Beyoncé “It’s full of whimsy” shirt for her birthday last week.

    She texted me yesterday to tell me that she and my dad and Beyoncé were on their way to NYC. I just love that image, no matter which way you slice it.

  32. I do wonder about Victor. Why does he keep expecting you to answer the phone? It’s like my husband expecting me to be on time or something. Like THAT’LL ever happen.

  33. I would love to get a signed book for my friend’s birthday! We all LOVE you! Also, my husband never answers his phone.

  35. This is so similar to conversations I have with my husband over not answering the phone, I’m beginning to think we’re Orphan Black-like clones, as are our husbands. Weird. I like glitter.

  37. How about a copy of your book signed by BOTH you and Neil? THAT WOULD BE STUFFED ELEPHANT TRUNKS FULL OF AWESOME!

    PS: Have you ever seen the Owlefant in the Museum of Unnatural Science in Washington DC? YOU NEED ONE.

  38. I’ve been a fan ever since friends shared the Beyonce article with me. 🙂

  39. “You know, at this point it’s sort of your fault for expecting me to answer the phone at all. It’s not like I haven’t set a precedent.”

    That perfectly sums up how I feel about just about all of the complaints that my husband has about me. Listen, dude, you knew what you were getting into and you still chose it anyway. So, now you just have to smile and live with it. Caveat emptor, my friend, caveat emptor.

  40. I already have your book. But I’m saving up for those horse ass bar stools! 🙂

  41. I am “Victor”, too!! Drives me nuts- I tell Hubby I don’t care if he’s working/cycling/whatever….I need to know something NOW LOLOL

  42. I never answer my phone either. Everyone knows to text me if there’s a question. Otherwise voicemails will be ignored until they auto delete.

  43. Always a hilarious post. I love the people that will ignore your phone call and then respond with a text. Is that passive aggressive or is it just me? Congrats on the book news!

  48. I already have your signed book and I cried on some of the pages from laughing too hard. My friends keep asking to borrow it and I refuse to lend it out. Neil Gaiman rocks. For the sake of the surreal, I want a Neil Gaiman book signed by you.

  49. We are the same people. My husband texts me to answer my phone, I’m allergic to latex, and I JUST fucking read about primitive horses in Tibet last night. They’re coming to eat faces, I know it.

    I prefer your to Gaiman. Just sayin’.

  50. OMG, I just died at work. I have got to stop reading your blog at work. People are looking at me like I’m crazy. Have to say, my favorite was the hostage scenario!

  51. Answering the phone is so 10 years ago. Victor should really learn to text. That way you can ignore him in new ways.

  53. WOOT. I will not only read your book, I will review it on Goodreads, where I am terribly popular.

    Thank you,
    Cynthia

  59. I was talking to my boss once and he explained that his wife was super annoyed at him for never answering her calls, and she didn’t really believe him that he never heard the phone ring when she called. I asked to see his phone, and managed to find the “STRAIGHT TO VOICEMAIL” setting in his contacts, and her name was on the list. He swears he didn’t even know he had that feature, let alone that she was on it, but he did tell me the next day that she was so happy it was fixed that she called his cell phone multiple times that night just to say hi (while they were both home).

  60. If Victor knows you’re not going to answer, why does he keep calling? You’d think he’d learn …

  61. My husband can’t seem to answer his phone either. I call multiple times before he answers. Sure, sometimes it’s because he’s working, and sometimes it’s because his phone shuts itself off (or so he says right before adding that he needs a fancy new phone) but mostly I think he just likes to make me imagine what he’s doing instead of answering my call.

    PS – I have your book, but not a paper copy. That would be super awesome to have. 🙂 Especially with your signature, so I could learn to forge it… er… appreciate it… yeah… that’s it…

  63. Do you know how hard it is to laugh hysterically but very, very quietly so as not to disturb the person talking on the phone to your officemate? And yes, I do think it’s rude that someone would call my officemate during me-time.

  64. I never turn down caaaaaash money.

    …it doesn’t come with strings attached, does it?

    ‘Cause I’ll take those too.

  65. I really ought to know by now not to read your blog when I have a glass in my hand.

    But I’m still giggling even after having to mop orange juice off the sofa.

    Poor Victor.

  67. Hang in there Jenny!

    My favourite part of today’s post ?

    “It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.”

  68. You are so gosh darn funny, Jennifer. You never cease to make me laugh. Thank you.

  70. I read your book on a flight home from Barbados. I was laughing so hard, I couldn’t see the words. But I needed those little breaks for general wheezing and regurgitating chunks of lung tissue buried since childhood. Thanks to your book….I recently scored a “mild obstruction” on my asthma test! I hope more shit happens to you (only good) so we can enjoy another New York Times bestseller!

  71. Even though I’ve never heard it, I bet there’s people out there that pronouce it “annie-thing” instead of “ennie-thing”. I hate them.

  72. After being in denial for 3 years I finally went and had my eyes checked.
    I was told it was just age. Clearly, they weren’t trying to make me feel better.
    So I just picked up my new reading glasses….and now I need something awesome to read.

  73. There are some days when I want to put badgers into random people’s purses.

  75. Trust me.. At the rate the cats are multiplying around here, kittens aren’t going extinct anytime soon.

  77. I never answer my phone, it’s mine, it’s here for MY convenience, besides everybody I know texts anyway, beats walking around town looking like you are talking to yourself.

  79. I don’t answer my phone so much that only telemarketers call. Usually I disconnect them immediately. Sometimes I taunt them, if I’m in that kind of mood.

  80. I keep giving away copies of your books to my friends. I need a new one (again). Ha.

  81. I never answer the phone NEVER and I turned off Text messaging 🙂 I hate phones..
    Love to read your blog and book 🙂 that has to count for something

  82. Sorry about the suckiness. I hope things turn around. I alternate between loving you and Victor more, because it is totally hard to pick favorites. but he’s so straight man to your hilarity that i can’t take it. I hope I am never in a situation like Sophie’s choice with you two, because man, that would be a hard one…

  83. I still haven’t read the last two chapters of your book. I bought it, got it signed by you, read most of it, gave it to my cousin as a gift (I never finished it, so it’s fine), and so I don’t know how it ends. I could use a copy of your book.

    🙂

  85. When I read your book, I totally “got” you. Too well. I went straight to my doctor for meds. Changed my life. I’ll check out this Gaiman guy.

  86. I’m totally the you in this situation. I don’t answer my phone ever. And if you leave me a voicemail, I’m probably never getting back to you. Ever. Because telephones fucking suck. Stop leaving me voicemails, mom. That’s all I’m saying.

    …this got away from me a little.

  87. My husaband once left me a message berating me for not answering the phone and then cheesily/mockingly said I should have answered because he was just calling to say “I love you times infinity.” I have saved this message in my voicemail for approximately 5 years and use it to taunt him whenever I can about what a dork he is. Needless to say, he doesn’t leave messages about me not answering anymore

  89. I truly love both you and Victor – I wish my husband was more like him.

    PS- I haven’t managed to read all of your book yet because I keep having to put it down until I stop laughing/crying so much that my contacts are floating around in my eyes.

  90. I never answer my house phone. I’m sure people wonder why I even have one. I would rather text or email than talk to people. Oh and I’m also allergic to latex tape.

    I have to wear an allergy bracelet whenever I’m in the hospital…..then I feel silly telling people it’s not something like penicillin or something life threatening….it’s tape LOL

  92. Love it! These are great excuses to use when my wife berates me for not answering my phone, texts, what’sapp etc… Especially the duct tape, classic you should be put in a museum for future generations to cherish.

  93. The next time you get a call from a blocked or unknown number…..Answer it and whisper “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere”. Then hang up

  94. I never answer my phone either. But mostly because all I ever get are prerecorded messages asking me about my credit/mortgage/phone bills/insurance etc. Dull. Life.

  95. You totally need to get an unpaid intern. Just think of the fun you have! The possibilities with the phone situation alone are practically limitless!

  96. I fucking love Neil Gaiman, but I’d actually really like a copy of your book.

  97. There’s a reason phones come with the magic ability to text. So I don’t have to answer it. Ever. Glad to hear my husband isn’t the only one who insists on calling.

  98. I’ve been having a similar conversation with my 9 year old regarding texts I send him.. for instance “Why did I buy you a phone, if you aren’t going to answer my texts?”
    And yes, I realize that 9 might be too young to have a phone, and under normal circumstances there would be no way in Hell I would have bought him one, but he is at his dad’s on the other side of the country.

  99. I have your book, but it’s the hardcover because I couldn’t wait to get it and it’s pretty heavy to hold up and read. I’d like a paperback one please. My arms are tired.

  100. I never answer my phone either. That’s because I always forget it in my car. That’s really what it’s meant for – taking phone calls in the car, which is actually illegal where I live. It’s how I live dangerously.

  101. The only thing this conversation is missing is dinosaurs. I’m sure you could have worked in a pterodactyl in there somewhere.

  102. Science has tried to develop a fireproof orphan for decades. The worst part is mining raw materials.

    Congrats on the sales, though! I know it doesn’t make up for the shitty week, but it’s still good to be reminded of how awesome you are from time to time.

  103. I’ll always answer your calls, Jenny. Especially if you’re calling to tell me I won your book! 🙂

  105. jesus this post is wonderful. victor owes you egg rolls and really – everything! because he’s not dead? and you are not in a burning building? I love it. I am constantly hearing it about forgetting my phone. hopefully hubby will never ever think of taping the phone to my person. because that would be awful and painful and I am not flexible either.

  106. My husband is the same damn way, and it drives me insane. I feel Victor’s pain. 😉

    Do the wittiest comments get the books? If so, I’m screwed.

  107. I would swear that you eavesdropped on me and my husband. Except you are super funny when you’re defensive and I just get flustered. I heart you very much!

  108. So this one time in college, I called up the guy I was seeing late at night and it went something like this:
    me: Hey there, handsome. I can’t wait to see you this weekend.
    him: uh…
    me: It’s been so long I can only imagine how it’s going to be. I miss you so very much.
    him: Um, Jeremy forwarded all his calls while he’s home this week. This is his dad and perhaps you should call back after he and I have had a talk about some things.
    me: uh, I think I have the wrong number….
    But then I actually had to meet his dad that weekend at it was crazy awkward. This is why I hate telephones.

    Oh, and maybe b/c I’ve been known to have long conversations with people who call only to find out it was a wrong number. However, my husband is hilarious when telemarketers call. He once convinced the guy that he wanted to buy a timeshare even though a) we don’t have a timeshare and b) the guy was trying to sell us a phone plan.

    Oh, and one more. A long time ago, I worked in radio. On my application it asked why I thought I should be hired. I wrote ‘B/c I have a face for radio and voice for a 1-900 number.’ I got the job.

    YAY telephone stories!

  109. Love that post. Thanks for the smiles this afternoon.

    Also – My wife, Mrs CK, thought your post a coupe months back about Laura Ingles and the nitroglycerine was hilarious. We were both glad you were okay and able to share the awesome ambulance ride to the hospital story.

  111. Ok, but why don’t you answer your phone? What if Victor is calling to ask you if you would like him to pick up egg rolls?

  112. I had a shitty week too, but every time I wanted to give up and cash it in I thought of you and how depression lies. Thanks for being there for me, even if you didn’t know it.
    J.

  113. :snort: — your conversations with Victor crack me up. hope your week improves. seems like if kittens aren’t extinct by Saturday that’s already a win.

  114. I never answer my phone either. Why would I? People on the other end always want something. They pretend they don’t but they do. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…well, I’d have to pick up the phone first and I’m not doing that anymore.

    Sorry about your shitty week. I’ve heard that having your face eaten off by horses is not a bad way to go, if you have to go. But I sure hope it does not come to that.

  116. I swear I have had this exact conversation sequence with my husband too…..

  118. We don’t call, since I work in an office and he works in a grocery store, but if I didn’t answer his gmail chats he would totally freak out, since I freak out when he doesn’t respond to mine, logic says he would do the same. And I concur on the shitty week. PMS is partly responsible for mine, along with wasting almost two hours of my life entertaining bitchy 3rd grade girl scouts last night when I could have been drinking wine at home. Why am I compelled to say yes ALL THE TIME?

  120. If I had it to do over again, I would have focused my Masters research on alleged specimens of Rasputin’s penis preserved in jars and shown at fairs throughout Russia.

  121. I also rarely answer the phone but I can’t imagine that anything exciting happened anyways if I’m not the one reporting it.

  122. I always feel I’m less alone in the universe after reading your blog. Thanks for the smiles!! 🙂

  124. I might have to adapt these for my hubby…lord knows I dont pick up the phone enough to piss him off…

  125. My hubby’s calls are pretty much the ONLY ones I will answer. I HATE talking on the phone. He’s constantly yelling at me to answer unknown numbers – sometimes I wonder why I even have one!

  126. ha! You are friggin’ HILARIOUS! My husband always wonders why I’m laughing my ass off at work 🙂

  127. David Tennet is 42. He is now truly the answer to life, the universe and EVERYTHING

  128. I’m leaving a comment because I also never answer my phone and I haven’t read your book yet because I’m a poor graduate student and books aren’t in my budget.

  129. I have a wisdom tooth eating its way through my skull and i’m at work so i can’t self-medicate with Orajel (or whiskey), but this post was almost as good at numbing the pain. Next time you don’t answer your phone, tell Victor that you had some emergency dental procedures to perform on a girl in Boston.

  130. MAKE GOOD ART! Jenny, you rock my socks off and let’s be honest here, socks are not always the easiest things to rock off. Xoxo

  132. I find it utterly awesome that mentioned getting your face eaten off by a horse. This past Saturday I did a “5K” (it wasn’t real I’m sure) and my one worry was that I was going to get eaten by a horse. My friend and I eventually decided it would be the horse from the headless horseman that would eat me…but we didn’t like his name. Who names the headless horseman’s horse Daredevil? I don’t remember seeing him do stunts. We renamed him to Black Death because we assume he’s black…I mean a guy that’s trying to kill you wouldn’t ride a white horse would he? Looks like I’m going to need to do some research on that one.

  133. I seriously hope kittens don’t become extinct on Saturday because our Siamese had kittens last night and they’re so cute and they would only be like three days old on Saturday and that would be just sad… And that was a really long run-on sentence. I’m sorry. I’m just panicked about kitten extinction. Darn you, Jenny! 🙂

  134. My voicemail actually says “I rarely answer the phone and don’t do voicemail. Text me” because hello social anxiety and phone phobia!

    I get it.

  137. Three months on the bestseller list ROCKS.

    Also, Victor has a lot of stick-to-it-iveness. My hubby has stopped picking on me about phone answerage. Does this mean that I have broken his spirit?

  139. You are my husband. Which doesn’t bother me – it actually makes me very happy.

    On another note…horses eating your face would be bad. Unicorns would be worse. Or the kittens eat your face and then go extinct. So, it could be worse, I guess.

  140. Horses are vegetarians and are very unlikely to actually eat your face. Cats on the other hand…

  141. Reading this makes me realize that I should make up a code to talk to my boyfriend in in case I get kidnapped. That’s brilliant planning ahead.

  142. What’s wrong with just texting? I like having a visual record of my conversations, dammit! The worst is when someone calls, then texts, and I answer the text, and they fucking call again!!! ARGH.

  143. I just want so say that you always crack me up. Also, I was at Goodwill the other day and saw a red dress… I almost didn’t buy it but it was cheap(enough) and in my size and you were in the back of my head arguing with me that I was worth it and so I did. My husband and I are going to be doing a photo shoot this summer and I think I’ll be buying a tiara as well ’cause damn it, I’m worth that too! Thanks for being such an inspiration, Jenny. I hope your week gets better!

  145. I’m a new reader of your blog and I can’t wait to read your book! I’m often reading your posts at work and have to keep from laughing hysterically which usually just causes weird noises to come out of me and I’m sure that people think that I have turrets (sp?) or that I’m crazy.

    And I hope your week gets better. I’m too fond of kittens to face their extinction.

  146. I love your posts, they always make me laugh when I am having an I hate the world kind of moment!

  147. I think you’re pretty great! I have a friend with a similar doesn’t-answer-the-phone problem, and her voice mail says, “you have reached *insert name here*” — no I haven’t, if I had reached you I would be talking to you not your voice mail.
    I’ve been here:
    “Victor: I know. I’m so shocked that you answered that I don’t even remember why I called anymore. My mind has gone utterly blank.”

  148. I am the queen of hitting “ignore”
    I don’t like to be surprised by phone calls, haha.

  149. My friend and I are having a conversation about Batman collecting children like a psychotic baseball collection. Because neither of us had any idea that there was more than one Robin……

    Also, I want a tea kettle that looks like Hitler. A Kettler. or Hittle. Whichever one sounds awesome.

  150. You’d think he’d be used to you answering your phone by now and just text or email you. That’s what my husband and I do.

  151. I also NEVER answer my phone and my boyfriend, mom, friends, basically everyone hates it! And I agree with Lauren why cant everyone just text! I answer texts…. eventually.
    Thanks for the laughs today!

    Thanks!

  152. A comment about ANYTHING!?… sorry. That is waaaay too much pressure and my poor anxiety riddled body can handle the vastness of anything because anything could be wrong and being wrong makes my panic.
    KITTENS!!!!!… There.. nothing can be wrong about KITTENS.. unless you are allergic. Or they are zombie kittens. TURTLES! I have never heard of anyone being allergic to them.. but I did know someone that lost a tip of their penis… I mean finger… to a snapping one, so thats no good..

    Fuck it.

    ANYTHING!

  153. THIS. This is why I want your book.

    That way people outside of work can give me strange looks when I laugh myself into a seizure.

  156. Last night my roommate asked me to tell her something weird about herself to tell her prospective beau and I couldn’t… because everything that everyone else would find bizarre I find utterly normal… so there you are…

  158. Jenny, this blog is awesome and hit close to home! I have a friend who won’t answer his phone either and so unfortunately, I feel a little bit of Victor’s pain!

  159. I love you Jenny, and I have been wanting to read your book for ages, but I’m broke 🙁 Also I hope your week gets better!

  160. My husband has to read this blog, so then he’ll be less upset with me for not answering my phone only sometimes 🙂

    Also, Neil Gaiman is definitely awesome! But so are you!

  162. I love that these conversations are not only hilarious, but apparently happen quite frequently. I want to marry the two of you, just so I can be around this all day.

    That’s legal, right?

  164. Thank you for being the go to when I need to laugh and feel better about the day.

  165. OMG!!! I can’t even begin to explain why I am in total agreement with you about this being the shittiest week ever! A book would be kinda nice though…. HUGS my dear!

  166. As the person who typically calls the spouse who typically does not answer, I have some pointers for Victor. First, try texting. My husband will totally text me back if I text him, even if it’s immediately after not answering his phone. If you guys find that this doesn’t work, either, then it might just be time to give up on calling. How about training some friendly, yet intelligent domesticated creature to carry messages for you? How well can parrots fly? I ask, because you could also teach them your code words for kidnap/distress!

  167. I was all – I’m going to leave a comment. But then I thought about it and was like – screw that, I have given your book as gifts – its time to wander over to bookpeople and buy it for myself. Because seriously.

    Also, cell phones have totally messed up phone-sense. Blame the future, where we’re living now.

  169. That last one cracks me up, clearly you have completed Victor’s training now and can now avoid conversations on touchy subjects simply by responding promptly. Good work 🙂

  170. Having code words in case of kidnapping/hostage situations is just practical. My husband is about as receptive as Victor, though. He’ll be thanking me when it saves our lives, though. Ours is “cream of wheat,” because I figure that doesn’t come up in everyday conversation but I could somehow work it in. Also, if I say “I’m fine. Just having cream of wheat,” it should be obvious that this means there is a gun to my head.

  171. My husband can completely relate to Victor. As for me, I’d be just dandy going back to the telegram !!
    I don’t have your book (how dreadful of me, I know) and would love to read it, based on this blog post alone.

    And don’t worry about the kitten thing, there are always otters to compensate. Besides, you could be this moose:
    http://gifb.in/uJBV

  172. I’ve been moving for what seems like years and my husband is deploying in 7 weeks. I could really use some laughter these days. Also, I met you briefly at a Nikon party where we were standing in line to meet Carson Kressley and I didn’t know anyone and you were really nice to me. And I thought your hair was amazing. After I came home, I figured out who you were and have been following your adventures ever since. Anyway, thanks for making an exhausted overwhelmed and anxious girl laugh today!

  173. Jenny, adore your wit and incredible perspective. When I have 10 minutes to shove lunch in my face (at the office, of course) and read the news, I get very depressed — both food and news at once. So, I pop on over to your blog and just laugh my ass off! Thank you, thank you! And, LOVE your book…

  174. Ha! Glad I’m not the only one who does this. I hate answering my phone…..so I just don’t do it! It’s great. Hope your week gets better!

  175. I just love you. And Neil Gaiman too. Mostly you, though.

    This week had felt kind of shitty. I hope it’s over soon.

    For all our sakes, especially the kittens.

  176. I think I’m gonna stop answering my phone today, in honor of you! 🙂 Also, if you run out of kittens in your area I think we can all round up the extra ones in our home towns and send them your way!

  177. Thank you. My daughter was getting bored, claiming that her nightmares were getting stale and routine. Now I can tell her about faces getting eaten off by horses. And I can even make some type of night ‘mare’ pun about it. She’ll be thrilled.

  178. Winning a copy of your book would make me feel way less stabby today. And fucking FURIOUSLY HAPPY.

  179. Thanks for making me laugh today, I really needed it. I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s had a “It’s not like you’re getting any less dead” conversation with my husband. I hope you’re week gets better, I’d miss kittens.

  181. This is exactly why I never listen to my voicemails…. People always tell me about how I didn’t answer their calls and I never call them back even though they left me voicemails. But their voicemails are usually really boring or are yelling at me for not picking up the phone. Just once I’d like to listen to a voicemail from a friend with something creative… Like singing their message to me. Can I make that a requirement? “Don’t leave me a message unless you’re singing it. Or offering free kittens.” Because seriously, you can’t go wrong with kittens.

  182. Love this! Want to be more like you 🙂

    I NEED your book! I’m saving it to read when I go to Punta Cana this summer to get married with ALL our closest family members. Now you can see why I NEED your book 🙂

  183. If I win your book I’ll give it to a friend. Or not. One can never have too many Jenny Lawson autographed books. Husband might beg to differ, though.

  184. Horses would never eat off your face, they’re too friendly. Maybe coyotes. Or my dog if he’s really been pushed to his limit. 🙂

  185. You would think Victor would be glad you have a phone at all. Smoke signals would be way more complicated.

  187. Reading your posts always make my horrible days better.

    Also, my friend stole my copy of your book.. so I TOTALLY need another copy that I can keep safely stored in one of those high security museum cases… like the Declaration of Independence…. but better.

  189. All of yours posts make me hysterically laugh. This is the best stuff I’ve read all day.

  191. Sorry you’ve had a craptastic week. Hope you have a weekend that’s filled with sunshine and rainbows and taxidermy animals wearing pink sweaters. ^_^

  192. I’m going to start using these when customers get uppity.

    “Why didn’t you answer your phone.”
    “I was saving orphans from a fire. Hear that siren? That’s the firemen FINALLY getting here after I already got all the kids out. BOOM!”
    “I’ll leave you be.”
    “You bet your sweet self you will.”

    It’s a nice fantasy.

  193. So my ebook copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened just got updated to the new-and-improved paperback version. I started reading the new material, and enjoyed the heck out of it.

    And then I got past that, to the discussion questions.

    I totally, completely lost it at that point. My wife was looking at me like I was insane. I had a sudden image of some high school English teacher trying to teach from this book. Maybe Mr. Foster, who taught AP English my senior year.

    Whoever added those is a comic genius. And I’d bet they don’t even know it.

  194. I seriously love you. And I am so glad I’m not the only one who gets yelled at for not answering my phone. Also, you should totally pick me to win your signed book. That way, I could give the unsigned copy I have to someone who could use a laugh. Or, throw it at someone who is being an asshole. Either one works for me. Or…I could give the signed copy to my mom. Her birthday is coming up and she is a HUGE fan of yours, too. She could put it next to the little Beyonce statue I got her for Mother’s Day last year 🙂 And yes, the card I sent with it said “Knock, knock, motherfucker!” She loved it.

  196. I would LOVE to give a signed copy of your book to my bestie who is currently battling advanced stage four breast cancer. I think that if anyone could use a few laughs, she could! Please pick me! By the way, I met you in Denver and you awesomely posed for a picture with my friends and me…all making angry panda faces. It was so amazingly cool of you.

  197. This may have been my favorite post yet… No wait that was the Knock-knock Motherfucker one! Hope your week gets better! Remember depression lies to us all!

  198. I once knocked myself out with a diving board while trying to impress a life guard I was crushing on. It so didn’t work.
    Random, I know.

  199. I just killed myself laughing! I’m going to show this to my husband so he knows that my lack and phone answering COULD be worse !

  200. Holy cow it’s like the weekly conversation between me and my husband was transcribed. This gives me a few new ideas to work with. I really like the orphans thing. Also, I’m headed to the beach in two weeks, so a free book would be much appreciated.

  201. Please, I know it’s been a shitty week, but I really couldn’t handle it if kittens were extinct! So I’ll hope for a better end to the week than that! And any week that includes your book and Neil Gaiman would just be a better week already!

  202. Now I need to have a serious conversation with my boyfriend on the usefulness of hostage situation code words and fire proof orphans.

  203. I never answer my texts right away! People hate me for it. I just like to think about it before I answer.

    As far a real phone calls, forget it. I have bad phone phobia.

    I hope I win a signed copy of your book! 🙂

  204. I’m the Victor too. We mainly text, and I ONLY call when it’s REALLY important.

    Like when my car alarm broke and wouldn’t stop going off and I didn’t know what to do, and I couldn’t even think because, hello, CAR ALARM GOING OFF over and over and over and over and over…Thank god for AAA! And no thanks to random old dude who walked up to me AND THE TOW TRUCK DRIVER and was all, “Did you try using your key?” Thanks man! I get that, in your day, girl=knows nothing about cars (untrue in my case) but I have a guy who’s job is cars here!

    Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, people who don’t answer the phone…yeah, I can’t get upset about it anymore because I have too much else going on! I just do shit, and if he gets mad, I say, “I tried to call you!” In the “If you’d answer your phone, you’d have input!” tone of voice!

    And yes, I NEED an actual copy of your book. I have the ebook, but an actual copy…*drools*

  205. Jenny, you are awesome and I hope your week gets better. If not we can all cry together about the kittens.

  206. Now I feel like I need to adopt a kitten just to see if it goes extinct on Saturday.

  207. I answer the phone very seldom. anyone I actually want to talk to prefers texting, making screening very simple.

  208. ring ring…..ring ring…..Ring Ring…..RIng RIng….RINg RINg….RING RING……..

  209. Victor is much more creative in castigating you for not answering your phone then my husband is.
    I envy that.

  210. 40,000+ times? Talk about tilting at windmills. Most of my friends give up after the second time. Persistence doesn’t pay off with me.

  211. I’m afraid of answering the phone. Luckily, my wife knows this, and knows to leave a message, or text me right before she calls.

  212. My husband yells at me for not answering the phone, too. But what if I’m busy reading your blog? I can’t just interrupt that, now, can I?

  213. I’m Canadian. Can I still enter your contest? So many American contests won’t let us play…

  214. you’re hilarious. I snarfed my cereal reading this. Thank you, from my burning nostrils. 🙂

  215. Thanks for your humor. My sister lent me your book. She told me repeatedly how hilarious it is! I read it in no time! Would love to get a signed copy for her to give back vs. the original! She is fighting the monster called breast cancer that has spread through different locations at only 34….. A signed copy to re-read the millionth time (because she has retread the book like crazy laughing) would be a pick me up as she hugs the royal throne and waits at doctor visits! Your wit and humor is so in line with hers… It brings comfort to actually read the book feeling like a part of my sisters joy is near me across all the miles!

  218. people still use phones to call people? with speaking and everything?
    how vintage.

  219. OK, I know you said it was random, Jenny, BUT OMMFGAWD, please pick me (at random). Because it is my fifteenth anniversary. And because I had the following conversation with my husband Kevin four days ago, and the asshat, I mean wonderful man, refuses to see reason!

    Me: It is four days to our 15th anniversary.

    He: I am well aware of that, Baby. Last Saturday, you tried to pick an argument at lunch about the date we were married. I had to take off my wedding ring so you could see the date that you had engraved on the inside of my ring.

    Me: ANYWAY, I need you to give me the traditional present.

    He: Yes, that would be I take you to dinner.

    Me: BULLSHIT! You have to give me a A BIG METAL CHICKEN.

    He: Give it up baby. I am not allowing anything else with sharp edges in this house. You would just fall on the fuckin’ chicken and cut yourself. If anyone else give you a metal chicken, it’s going in your office at school, just like the one Joanna gave you.

    Me: You know nothing, Keven Tucker. Ke$ha Money, the medium metal chicken does not live in my office. She lives in my trunk so I can take her whereever I go. But now you have to give me a BIG metal chicken and we will call her Beyonce Khal Drogo St. Agnes Tennessee Tucker. All husbands must give their wives a Big Metal Chicken for the fifteenth anniversary. IT IS KNOWN. Jenny Lawson, the BLOGGESS says so. if you don’t believe me, look it up. It is on mother-fucking WIKIPEDIA

    He: Yeah, wikipedia. That website that you won’t let your students use. And I don’t know who this Jenny is, but she sounds like trouble.

  220. Lillian can hear my phone ring, but I can’t. So when she’s not near me (you know, pesky work, going potty, things like that), I never know if someone’s calling.

    I’m good with that.

    Kittens will survive, your beautiful face will remain intact, and the shittiness will wander off. Not soon enough, never soon enough, but it has other people to vex and there’s just not enough time to hang about. It will get better. Until then, know you are a national treasure — they should totally remove all of Mount Rushmore and make it Wonderful Jenny (because “Mount Jenny” is just wrong on SO MANY LEVELS) — and you are loved and never as alone as you feel.

  221. I tried calling you to be eligible for the drawing, but you didn’t answer. Hope you’re not suffering a duct tape allergy.

  225. Perhaps Victor should find a more effective form of communication. Like sending you missives by carrier pigeon or better yet, one of those birds of paradise that jump around all brightly colored after cleaning the forest floor of litter. Train one of THOSE to deliver messages in a timely fashion. I know *I’d* be way more likely to respond to someone who talked to me via wacky-colorful bird courier.

    But for now, stay strong. And here’s hoping your week gets better! If it hasn’t, you should go watch the videos on wherethehellismatt.com. Never a day so bad that it can’t be cured by people dancing foolishly together all around the world.

  226. If my husband answered the phone like this I would not be mad. I would however call him 1000 times a day to see if he could continue his creative streak indefinitely.

  227. I’ve spent the day coping on what feels like minus hours of sleep, hanging out with a very new small person who doesn’t really understand the whole idea of hanging out and instead has decided to cover me in assorted small person bodily fluids while screaming. Some of them appear to defy gravity. I’ve not eaten, I’m knackered, and I think I may be in the running for Least Attractive Human In The Known Universe.

    You just gave me my first belly laugh of the whole week. Thank you 🙂

  228. Thanks for the laugh because it was just what I needed for my shitty week.

  229. I think you live in my head and say all the things I am too afraid to say!

  230. I’ve been having an argument with my husband for the past few hours about exactly how much of what goats eat turns into what goats poop. You know, because I want to rent some goats to eat the horrifying weeds in my backyard. My contention: slightly less than 100%, because they have to grow hair and horns and hooves and stuff, and some of what goats eat goes into making that stuff. His contention (verbatim): You would find patches of shit, not patches of hair.

    You said comment about anything. Goats are a thing.

  231. I wonder what it would feel like to have your face chewed off by horses. I mean, I’ve fed goats and llamas out of my hand. And I imagine a horse doing it feels much the same, only bigger. So….if that’s what it feels like, I bet there’s a tickly feeling involved.

  232. Love it. I never answer my phone, and haven’t turned the ringer on in 2 years.

  237. Thanks for admitting when things are shitty. Somehow you do it with humour and grace. I am rather less graceful about it.

  238. My week is the sucks too =( Right now my husband’s phone is broken and a new one is backordered, and I’m in FL and he’s in NC so we can basically only converse via carrier pigeon, but when he gets his phone back I’m totally showing him this so that he knows ours conversations are completely normal. LOL

  239. My husband has similarly threatened to attach my phone to my body. I need to get more creative and respond like this. Maybe I should print off this list and attach it to my ankle with duct tape, so whenever he mentions this unfortunate, genetic predisposition of mine, I can try to get really flexible. Then he’ll be so busy watching me contort in amazing ways that he’ll forget what he was originally complaining about and drift off to a dream of me doing similar contortions on a particular piece of furniture. (I think I’m really onto something here…)

  240. Being on the bestseller list is way better than having your face eaten off by horses.

  241. I started just sending my husband pictures by text so that I don’t have to call him just to say “Hey, I’m on my way!” Bleh. Instead, he gets a picture of the elevator buttons, or the tire of my car, or a blurry picture of the license plate of the car in front of me on the highway… Sometimes, it’s the top of my head with the rest of the picture of the place I’m currently at.

    Or, a picture of my toddler crying because mommy gave her the “too yellow” banana instead of the “just perfect yellow” banana…wth…

    Am I talking to much about me? I do that.

    That’s why I need some perspective and read about someone else…like you…in your book…

  244. Your book was like the best mind-hug I ever got. Please write another one.

  245. Jenny, you’re amazing and I love reading your posts! I’m sorry your week has been shitty – do you want me to come out there and kick this week’s ass? Cause I’ll do it!!!

  247. My husband used to yell at me for not answering my phone. Then I got an iPhone and turned into one of THOSE PEOPLE who have their phones on them allthetime. Not sure which is worse…

  248. If it weren’t for having internet capabilities on my phone I don’t think I would even have a cell phone. I hate answering it because it means talking to people about things and I hate that.

  249. Cool kids don’t answer phone calls. Cool kids text. Victor needs to get with the times.

  250. I already have your book, but I’d like the newer version because I feel like I got punished for having the good sense to buy it while it was brand-spankin new, before you added the extra chapter, thus killing the “early bird gets the worm” theory and enhancing the “second mouse gets the cheese” theory instead.

  251. I’m saddened at your lack of response to my exciting pictures with Beyonce’s father back in January. I really thought you would share in my excitement 🙁

  252. I would love my very own beyonce statute because i already ahve your book that i am sharing with everyone i know and i cant find my own unique beyonce so i need yours. the end.

  253. i do the same thing, i never answer my phone because even though it SAYS it’s my wife,or my mom, it might be the bill collectors in disguise. damn collection agencies are sneaky bastards.

  254. I have the audio book and laugh my @ss off at the gym to it! but would really love a print copy!

  255. Text messages are the socially anxious’s gift from the telephone gods. Answer at thy leisure. Trufax.

  256. I’m about to go read your book again. Because I love you THAT MUCH. And I really NEED a signed copy to show off to people.

    🙂

  257. I may have told you this before, but this seems as good a time as any to repeat it. My husband and I both come from hunting families. I have read the deer cleaning and squirrel portions out loud to my parents and in laws, to their great delight. Another copy of the book would certainly find a loving home!

    That said, I’m in Canada. Don’t know whether that would be a deal breaker.

  258. Why does Victor call so much? Has he not discovered texting? All the husbands of wives who hate phones are doing it these days! 😉

  260. I got your book from my daughter for Mother’s day and I love it! This post is hilarious. I get yelled at by the same daughter because I don’t like to answer my phone either.

  261. You crack me up. Every. Single. Day. My husband still refuses to allow me to get our own Beyonce, which is just ridiculous.

  262. Don’t you know by now that allowing us to leave a random comment about ANYTHING is the recipe for disaster? To illustrate – and to tie into your conversational post, here’s my latest with MY hubby:

    Me: Mark messaged me about the house concert this Saturday. I just gave him the info. I’ll put a message out tomorrow about no flash photography during performances.

    Hubby: are those two things related?

    Me: During “I Will Never Let You Go” he was taking flash pictures and it RUINED my WHOLE LIFE.
    I was seriously looking for a baseball bat.

    Him: Oh… yeah, that’s not good

    Me: The entire video is all flashy and annoying and it is such a PERFECT SONG and he FUCKED IT ALL UP!

    Him: Did you tell him that? using those words?

    Me: No, but God help him if he does it again.

  263. Next time just tell him you are saving him from himself. If you answer your phone he is bound to have a conversation with you that will leave him: a) dumbfounded that there was a stuffed lemur in tap shoes at the estate sale you just visited, b) screaming that said tapping lemur made it home and to your living room, or c) raging over the realization that you bought the lemur from a place with dirt, not carpet, floors.

  264. i don’t remember how I first found your blog, but I have to check in every day now. It makes me feel less peculiar….
    I mean that in the best possible way.
    And you’re right, Neil Gaiman is amazing.

  266. My husband and Victor can complain together, because my husband gets annoyed by me doing that ALL THE TIME. When I finally call him back after realizing I missed five calls he usually says something like, “WHAT DO YOU HAVE A PHONE FOR IF YOU NEVER ANSWER IT!” and then I usually try to cheer him up with my witty retorts, like, “It has a pretty good camera.”

    This always makes my husband sigh in what I am sure is pure bliss for being married to me.

  267. I gotta say, this exchange is way better (& more entertaining) than the one my husband & I used to have when he would call me every day during lunch, and the days that he didn’t, I’d pout for hours and growl at him when he got home instead of getting off my butt and calling him myself.

  268. This happens to me exactly ….exactly the way you have it up there! OMG! We have all switched bodies!

  269. I never, ever answer my phone…and that’s why my voicemail greeting says “hey, it’s me, hang up and text me”.

  270. Omg! You totally make me laugh. I love reading your blog especially the conversations with victor. When I’m having a crappy day you always make me forget 🙂

  271. We are moving this summer and I need an excuse not to pack…hopefully I’ll win your book and can put my feet up and absorb your whimsy!

  272. Thank God I don’t have your phone number. Please never give it to me. I couldn’t handle the stress

  273. I have your book, and polished it off in record time! Would love a signed copy(perhaps with an extra chapter?!?!)

    I ‘heart” you Jenny!!

  274. lol these are the convos I have with my mom ALWAYS. She NEVER answers the damn phone n it drives me nuts! I’m like “what if i was dead?” shes all like, “Well then you wouldn’t be calling” -.-

  276. Pick Me!! I’m getting ready to move from Houston to my home state of Colorado. I’ve been thinking of cancelling my move just because I might accidentally bump into you somewhere and become your lifelong BFF! No, not a stalker, just a huge Jenny fan!

  278. My cell phone is always on vibrate and I seldom have it anywhere near me to feel it. Once I get home I never know where it is (usually it’s in the bottom of my bag). (For instance, my daughter texted me at 8:30 last night — I finally saw it at 10:30 and only because I remembered to put it on the charger.) My boyfriend always calls the house phone, or my work phone, or the car phone because he knows I seldom have the cell nearby, but then he complains about how I might as well have the cell superglued to my hand because I’m “ALWAYS ON IT.” Really? Then why do you call the house/office/car, motherfucker? Why don’t you use the cell number since I’m “always on it”?? Huh? Huh? Huh? That’s when he changes the subject.

  280. I love this.
    I’m sure if I ever answered my phone, the conversations Id have would e nothing like this, but I’m the person who sees someone calling, lets it ring out, and then sends a text asking what’s up.

  281. My mother-in-law could use a session with you. When you answer the phone she’ll say something like “DID YOU GET MY EMAIL?” or “WHERE ARE YOU? I CALLED YOUR CELL PHONE AND YOU DIDN’T ANSWER!?” No hello. No introduction. She just starts in about your communication methods and by the time she gets to the purpose of the you are so irritated that you can barely speak. And then, the kicker “WHY DON”T YOU CALL ME?”.

  282. I never answer my phone either. And I constantly get the, “what if I were dead?” lecture too. To which I respond, “If you were dead, I highly doubt you’d call me.”

  283. Although $15 would definitely help me get my hands on Neil Gaiman’s new book that’s about to come out, I personally would much prefer a signed copy of your book. Then, I could brag about it constantly to everyone I’ve turned onto your blog/book. Neil Gaiman will have my money thrown at him regardless, but an autograph from you? That would have its own shrine.

  284. I am totally on touch with the applied insanity of no phone answering.

  285. Sorry about the shitty week.

    I already have your book, but I’ll definitely gift the extra. The unsigned copy, of course. I’m keeping the signed one. I’m a good friend, but not that good.

  288. Brandon: Well shit, you answered your phone. I had a bet that you were napping instead.

    Joan: I WAS napping, asshole. I only “answered” because I thought I was hitting the snooze button. DICK.

    Brandon: ….so….what’s for dinner?

    Joan: click

  290. Wouldn’t it be easier to just change your answering message every morning to something like “I can’t take your call right now — or perhaps ever — because of the zombie revolution” and then “I am not available for the foreseeable future because I may have eaten something I poisoned in my fridge” or “Please try back next week when I am not consumed with pictures of celebrities and twine”. That should lower Victor’s expectations and make sure that he is on top of your blog and book.

  291. you know, i had the same conversation with my best friend last night when we were talking on Gchat and she informed me she had just called me twice and she knew perfectly well i was there….whatever.

    also, puppies make bad weeks better.

  292. I wish I had something to say that would make your week better. Thinking good thoughts for you, if that helps even the tiniest of tiny bits. {Also being extra vigilant with answering my hubbies calls today.}

  293. I personally think “call me back when you’re less confusing” is appropriate to my life

  295. You crack me up. Every time I read one of your posts at work (which I know I shouldn’t be doing) I am laughing out loud. My coworkers wonder what’s wrong with me.

  296. Jenny, your book was so much fun reading. Wish I could proffer some kind of hilarious commentary but no match to you and Victor. Is that the phone?

  297. This post is amazing! I’m going to try some of these responses on my mother. Don’t think she’ll take it as graciously as Victor but it’s worth a shot 😛

  298. Titties and boobs,
    Boobs and boffers,
    They’re fun! And pillows!
    And they feed our daughters!

    (You said whatever I wanted!)

  299. My dad and my husband are notorious for calling me, but when I can’t answer the phone in time and try calling them back, they never answer the phone?! I don’t know if they are trying to teach me a lesson or have thrown the phone out the window because me not answering the phone ruined their day. But if they are trying to teach me a lesson, it’s an epic fail.

  300. I love your blog, just started reading it a few weeks ago. You’re accounts of daily happenings remind me of my life. ThankS!

  301. You AND Neil Gaimon rock!! (And, so does Amanda Palmer, his wife, whom I believe you should meet, STAT so you can start your BFF-ship, or however you say that.)

  302. I have hearing issues, so I don’t always answer my phone as I can’t hear it. Then my family complains that my ring-tone is too loud….there’s no right answer here folks!

  304. You crack me up! Whenever I’m down, I look to your posts to bring me back up! Thank you!

  305. thank you for the ab workout. As you may’ve suspected, the week will probably get better…. next weekish.

    🙂 as many others have said, money, book, something by Neil, can’t I just have all of the above?

  307. I doubt horses would want to eat your face because they are such gentle creatures, but… it’s your shitty week and not mine, so who am I to judge? Love you Jenny!

  308. I could not love this blog more if I tried… It is so absolutely random and reminds me of myself (more or less). I would totally love to have a signed copy of your book! I’ve turned like a bajillion people on (yeah, that’s like, a shit ton of people, and I didn’t turn them on, like turn them ON, but I guess it’s possible that I did because I am kind of awesome. It’s a gift. Where was I? Oh.) So I turned like a bajillion people on to your blog and I will forcibly make everyone of them read the things I think are funny (which is like all of them, except the ones that aren’t), and then they all love it too! Except for my husband Julian, he’s my Victor. Poor sap just fails to see the humor! KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER! SEND ME YOUR BOOK! <3

  309. Yup, female Victor here. My husband even went as far as to ignore me for a couple of months every time I asked for his new cell phone number. Now that I FINALLY have it, he went back to ignoring my calls, just like he did on his old phone, sigh. Sooooo annoying…

  310. I never answer my phone either; most of the time just because I hate talking on the phone but sometimes because I am actually BUSY doing something. It annoys the hell out of me that he gets all pissy about it. Hope your week gets better!

  312. I used to have these same conversations with my (then) husband. I wish I’d had the wit to make similar smart and sarcastic replies. Thanks for being a good example!

  313. I am so glad I am not the only one who doesn’t answer my phone…and whose husband doesn’t understand. Freakin phones!

  314. Thank you for this post. My “Victor”(s) ask this all the time. I really just hate talking on the phone and only have it in case I’m in a wreck and need to call a tow truck.

  315. Seriously, your entries make me smile. 🙂 Thanks for that.

    I seriously, seriously hope your week gets better. With that in mind, I’m keeping you and yours in my thoughts AND prayers, because any sort of good karma is good, right?

  316. I’m still pissed at myself for loaning your book to someone who no longer speaks to me.

    Speaking of Neil Gaiman, I just bought tix to see him when he’s signing in Miami in June! I win!

  317. I’m always yelling at my mom to answer the phone when I text her. Once, I literally texted her until she answered. Fifty texts later, she texted me back to tell me that she couldn’t stop laughing at me.

    …And like 90% of the time, I don’t answer my phone because I either assume I’m being buttdialed or I really just don’t want to talk on the phone.

  318. i hope you know you’re amazeballs. i don’t answer my phone either… and if you leave me a VM i *will* delete it. but i have anxiety issues surrounding phone calls, so it makes sense (except it doesn’t).

  319. You and my husband would make quite a pair. He too, fails to answer his phone. every.time.I.call. I seriously want to smash his face in when I get voicemail over and over and over. I have really important shit to discuss with him, like what my new haircut looks like and the beautiful piece of artwork our daughter created at school that day. I mean seriously, a fucking ghost made from her footprint? Amazing. But he doesn’t get to know about these little tid bits because he won’t answer the damn phone! I suspect he’s screening me.

  321. I agree Neil Gaiman is amazing, but I’d rather have your book please.

  322. My husband reads everything you write and spends most of his time shaking his head and saying “Oh, Victor. Poor Victor.” Should we move to Texas, he will probably try to become friends with Victor. There is company in insanity, I think.

  323. You’re so adorable! And ridiculously funny…I haven’t read your book yet but it’s on my wishlist and I can’t wait to get my grubby paws on it so I can laugh until I start crying

  324. I just lugged your book from Oregon to Croatia and left it with my friend there. Now she leaves me voice msgs of her just laughing manically – it’s so awesome. I want to spread more Lawsbianism wherever I go!

  326. This is kinda like the texts I send to my husband. He only answers if it’s a question he deems important. For example, threatening to drink the contents of my 12 bottle wine fridge earned no response. Saying I hate one of our dogs got a response. I don’t get it either. For the record, I love our dogs except when I’m stressed about something else and the dogs are barking their heads off because they heard something that sounded like the key going into the front door lock. 🙂

  328. Congrats on being as awesome as we all know you are :). I would love to win the book so I could read it a third time and annoy my husband by belly laughing while he tries to watch CNN. On a side note I always get annoyed when people don’t answer The phone when I call, however, I rarely answer my own phone because I fancy being ironic.

    Amy*

  329. My husband yells at me all the time for not answering my phone, as well. Thank you for the tips. I’ll let you know how they work for me…

  330. You obviously are the long-lost twin of one of my sons, because NONE of them ever answer their phones, although it would be unusual to have given birth to a twin I didn’t notice.

  331. Huh. I’m making the Hubs read this post so he knows he’s not alone in his anguish/anger at my phone inattention. Ha.

    Also, I’m totally going to start answering with a mumble. Excellent.

    Of COURSE your book is still on the bestseller list: it’s wonderful! I hope your day/week/month/etc gets better starting today.

  334. I love when you post conversations between you and Victor. They always make me smile!

  335. Hope things get a little less shitty for you! I loved your book, I laughed, I cried, I was generally a big mess!!!

  336. I reeeeeaaaalllly needed these giggles today. Thank you very much.

  337. Phone calls are for suckas. And extroverts. I am neither. Talk to me on Facebook like a normal person, people.

  340. I’ve read bits of your book and blog to everyone I know. My nephew now wants geese or some other kind of poultry just so they’ll follow him to school. And then he can say goose poop without getting in trouble.

  341. I’m always yelling at my husband for not answering his phone. I guess I should get used to it.

  343. Your amazing sense of humor, sarcasm and love of cats have made life a little easier for a lot of people. You’ve also helped me expand my own personal vocabulary with my frequent use of douchecanoe. THANK YOU. You fucking earned that best-seller’s list.

  344. Email exchange between me and my hubs…

    Me: My head is going to explode from boredom. Seriously. Be worried. I will probably be driving home with no head. Not to mention it will totally scare Elizabeth if I pick her up without a head. Of course, she might not even recognize me. For that matter, the teachers might not recognize me and so I probably won’t be able to take Elizabeth out of school. And there’s no real way to communicate to them that I’m her mother because I won’t be able to speak. I could write a message, but who’s going to help out a headless person by giving them a pen and piece of paper??? They’ll probably think I’m trying to kill them when really, all I want is a pen and paper! Then they’ll call the cops and you’ll have to bail me out of jail. That, of course, is if I can convince the cops to give me something to write with so I can explain the situation to them and to give them your phone #. Great! So my boredom is going to doom me to being a headless jailbird for the rest of my life! Awesome. What a mess…
    Damn. It happened.

    Him: Wow….all I can say is wow…..

    This is my random comment! 😉

  345. I’m not speaking to my best friend because she saw you in New York at your book signing and sat in the front row and texted me a photo of it. But she was too chicken to come up and talk to you and get her book signed. So please pick me so I can taunt her with how much cooler I am than her because I have your book. Signed. And I’m not a motherfucking chicken. Thank you.

  346. We use Google Voice for our home number. It rings both our cellphones. When I answer it, my wife chides me for picking up when it is most likely for her. (Nobody calls me. *sniff*) When I don’t answer it, I’m asked why I didn’t pick up. Can’t win either way.

  347. I have a friend who is terrified of fish. All fish. even goldfish. She just bought a house that has a fish pond, already stocked with SEVEN koi. Her children’s dr. has a HUGE aquariam in the lobby.

    None of this is relevant to anything. But I think it’s funny. I don’t tell her that. I tell her that I’ll save her if the fish suddenly gain the ability to breathe air and plan an attack. I figure that’s more what a good friend should do. 🙂

    again, not relevant.

  348. Why can’t people understand how much it sucks to talk on the phone? I always tell everyone, “I never answer my phone. Just text me. It will make all of our lives easier.”

    But do they ever listen? No, they call, and bitch about why don’t I answer my phone. *sigh*

  349. How much money you think I could get from selling the signed copy of your book if I won?

  350. Ur book is by far the most funniest thing I have ever read! And i have read maybe not TONS of books but I have read a other books before!

  351. HA… Sounds like my husband. Really truth is am a mess and he probably has reason to worry but still don’t yell…. OH and I would love a copy of your book

  352. At least Victor only threatened to duct tape your phone to your ankle. My husband threatened to duct tape mine to my ass! So see, it could be worse!

  353. I am still on my quest for a 6ft tall rooster and think of you all the time when I see the baby ones. 🙂

  354. I would love a copy of your book. I loaned the copy I bought out to a friend who absolutely adores you, and I can’t bring myself to ask for it back because it makes her so happy. At this point I’m considering it a present that she doesn’t know she got presented with, and one day when she remembers about it, and feels awful and tries to return it, I can be all, “Ta da! It was yours all along!” So, replacement copy would be awesome. Although it is awfully hard to turn down Neil Gaiman. Meeting him is on my list of things to do.

  356. What if I use the $15 to buy your book for someone else? You know…pass on the insanity.

  357. I love your book! I was reading it a few months ago ( mostly on the train) and could not stop laughing. Yeah, I was one those people who laughs on the train and you want to avoid eye contact with.

  359. My Grandfather died this morning. I just found out he had spinal cancer last week, it went that fast. But knowing about it all week has made an amazing thing happen – I’ve actually had the ringer of my phone on. I almost never do this. For Reasons. So, I can totally empathize with you. Phones can be scary and having to keep it on because you’re waiting on depressing news doesn’t entirely help that. And I’m sorry this is really kind of a depressing comment. I’ve known he died since about seven this morning but it all caught up to me about an hour ago and I cried in my girlfriend’s arms for an hour while trying to figure out our plans. The last straw was realizing I was likely going to have to mega disappoint my daughter because of plans we already had made and it seems a simple things and Life Happens but it is frustrating and it was one emotion too many. Now I’m tired and emotionally raw and apparently that makes me babble uncontrollably when what I really wanted to say was that while I totally understand how frustrating it has to be for Victor, I definitely grok that phones are scary and are good to be avoided sometimes. Or a lot of times.

  360. I think we lead parallel phone lives. My bf and my mom are always bitching me out over this. And I have yet to train my brother (who is in school in Hawaii – boo hoo, right?) not to call at 3:00 AM EST. That, and it is really annoying to actually answer the brother’s call out of a dead sleep and then have to switch over call waiting to talk to the bf. I think that’s really why I don’t answer my phone. Text me.

  361. A few years ago I had a job with a local arts festival that involved, in part, running around town doing errands for the boss. While I was out on the street I never heard my phone ringing because of all the other noises. The boss was not amused by this, and very strongly suggested I fix the problem.

    My first attempt at a fix was to set up a headphone with hands-free answer, so that the phone would automatically answer itself when the boss called. The problem with that, however, was that the phone never actually rang. My boss would call, get immediately connected, and probably hear lots of background noise, my breathing, and belching. She would respond to this situation by screaming, “HELLO! HELLLLOOOOOO!” This, of course, would inevitably scare the crap out of me, causing me to respond with something graceful like, “AAAAUGHHHH! THE FUCK?? …oh. Oh. Um, hi?”

    For some reason, as cool as the job was, the boss and I never really seemed to get along well after that.

  362. That’s so funny. I was half-expecting Victor to just hang up on you when you finally answered. I mean, it wouldn’t be all that strange for him to have such a reaction.

  364. It took me 2 months to figure out how to get the “ring for phone calls only and not make noises for every other damn thing” setting on my iPhone figured out. Blissful 2 months. It was wonderful to blame technology.

  365. While I’m a worry wart I have nothing on Victor. His next move may be to have you chipped. ;D
    Would love a signed copy of your book so I can forever have a reminder of deer sweaters!

  366. That was good! Your book is great and I can only hope you have a better week, next week! Take care

  368. I find I answer my phone a heck of a lot faster when it has a super obnoxious and loud ringer. Of course, that means I have to be awfully vigilant about shutting it off in places like libraries. I may not have done that last time, so I’ll need a copy of your book to read at home.

  369. You know how when you miss a call by half a millisecond, call back and there’s no answer? WTH. Did that person burst into flames as soon as they hung up?

  371. I’m sorry about your week. For solidarity purposes I will share with you what I have learned this week:
    1. When they call the appointment to get your IUD inserted a “placement” appoitment it does not underscore the intense uterine upheaval that you will be a part of.
    2. Ant eggs discovered in the grounds of your coffee AFTER you drank the coffee is a very bad way to start the week.
    3. When the branch of a large oak falls off the tree and tags the corner of your house, it is not a sign of good luck.
    4. It is only Thursday.

  372. I switched to an an eReader about two years ago. The only non-electronic books I still have were written by you and Neil Gaiman, because you are both awesome.

  373. That’s the relationship I have with my cell phone. I thought it was just a small google searcher. But talk about sucky weeks- I had to put down my cat of 14 years in front of my 8 year old twins. This after my daughter was sick all fucking week.

  374. Oh god, this made me laugh so hard tears ran down my leg!

    (Totally stolen, but can’t remember who to attribute it to. Don’t be mad at me, I’m bad with names. And bad at not walking into things. Slammed my toe into something yesterday and wandered around for half an hour before I noticed the blood trail. And last week the garage door bit me.)

  375. I made a toaster pastry for snacking on during my drive to work. I left said toaster pastry on the counter because I don’t usually have a toaster pastry in the morning and the shift in my routine threw me off and I forgot it. I was concerned my kittens would eat it, or try to eat it, hate it and throw it on the floor, getting icing all over he floor. They didn’t even touch it! My boyfriend came home and found it whole. I don’t know if that says something good for the kittens or bad for the toaster pastry.

  376. This is like every phone conversation with my husband and I, which usually starts off with him asking “Did you listen to my voicemail?” to which the answer is always NO because voicemails are evil. After 10 years, you would think he would ahve learned to stop leaving them, or at least stop asking me if I listened to it.

  377. And this is one that I should forward to my husband (I won’t, because he also reads your blog and will find it on his own), because he will completely empathize with Victor. I, of course, cannot answer my phone. I don’t have the charger, so it is whimpering for food or sleeping the sleep of the wicked and just.

  378. Tornadoes Too CloseToYourHouseGiveYouTheJitters…….And Make New Storms Scary

  379. My husband won’t even learn the code to pick up messages, never mind answering the phone. Sigh.

  380. Last night my daughter asked me if the caterpillar we caught was going to turn into a monkey by this morning. She’s 3.

    Last night my 5 year old let the neighbor know she knows the words to the song “Thrift Store” by yelling “Hey Chris… guess what?… I wear my granddads clothes, I look incredible” out our front window!
    Yes, this is my life. Everyday!

    p.s. That is me following the direction to write about anything.

  381. I don’t even understand why we’re still talking into phones to communicate. We have text messages and email now, which are far superior to making talky-noises through a crappy microphone so someone else can listen through a crappy speaker.

    (My friends have mostly given up on getting me to answer my phone. It’s better that way.)

  382. Already have the book! Would love your signature, though. I’ll donate my copy to the orphans. Kittens. The orphaned kittens.

  383. I think your hubby and my hubby have a lot in common with this whole “answer the phones” thing. How in the hell did we possibly survive before cell phones….? Neil Gaiman is AMAZING!

  384. I often think of onions. Especially in the springtime.

    You said I could comment about anything.

  385. Number 40,0000th? Is that an actual ordinal number?? Really??? Man, this new math gets me every time. *sigh*

  386. I’m definitely in your husbands shoes on this one. My hubby hardly ever answers his phone. It drives me crazy. Thanks for this laugh. I will definitely share this with him…

  387. I am sending this to my husband right now. btw, I still laugh out loud whenever I listen to your audio book. Would love an autographed hard copy though 😉

  388. trying to determine if your stories are real or totally off the wall made up!

  390. BTW, I already have your book but if I win the signed copy I’ll keep that one and give the other copy away. Except that was a Father’s Day present from last year, so I really shouldn’t give it away. Maybe I can give the unsigned one away and pretend the signed one IS the same book. “I don’t know how Jenny signed it. I think she snuck in at night just to ninja-sogn this copy. Now *that’s* dedication!”

  391. Did you know that chickens only have one functioning ovary? They also don’t have belly buttons. True story.

  393. I love your book, ordered a hard copy from Amazon when I meant to order on the Kindle but it turns out it was good because then I could loan it to my sister. Then since she didn’t return it quickly enough, I bought another copy on the Kindle so I could re-read it! Love it!

  394. Neil Gaiman is amazing. And my wife doesn’t answer the phone either. Is there a club for that?

  395. pick me, pick me
    Love your conversations with Victor! But in this one I am Victor because I always think some thing bad has happened to my hubby when he doesn’t answer…

  397. It sounds like, with the way your week is going, kittens won’t become extinct but they WILL probably eat your face off. The bad part is that you will be watching out for horses and never see them coming. Just thought I would throw that out there in case you come across an extra cuddly looking kitten.

  398. Jenny – I love, Love your writing. Even when I’m having a great day, your humor makes a great day, better. I hope you’re week gets better.

    Thank you.
    Bob

    Ps. If your week is shitty b/c Victor is out of town and not answering his phone, feel to call me for some heavy breathing 🙂

  400. You ROCK! This conversation could have happened in my home. Sadly, I would be playing the role of Victor. Hence, I would love to win a signed copy of your book.

  402. I have been literally snickering in my office for the last 5 minutes. Partly because this post is HILARIOUS, but mostly because I keep going back and reading it.

  404. I just read this to my 12yr old brother and even he laughed hysterically!

  405. (about anything)

    I really want your book. so much, that I was extra witty. see how I did that there?

    pretty please?

  406. You need to train him better, cause he clearly didn’t call the cops when you picked up the phone the last time!

  408. Signed? Hell yeah! That’s better than finding a stuffed bear cub dressed like a cowboy at a flea market.

  409. I just recently found your blog. I know, I live under a rock (with kitties!) Thanks for helping me with my shitty week.

  410. Jenny, your book was so much fun reading. Wish I could proffer some kind of hilarious commentary but no match to you and Victor (insert phone ringing picture thingy here).

  411. I read your book and liked it so much, I told all my friends to read it.

  412. I completely understand how Victor feels. My wife and I use to play this game, she would leave for the store and told me to call her if I saw anything we might need that wasn’t on the list. So I would call her, she wouldn’t take her phone in the store with her. I would call her with something and she wouldn’t answer…. So I know how she feels.

  413. work sucks. reading your blog makes it better. at least I can laugh once a day.

  414. I have a friend who never answers her phone EVER. I only call her if I really need to tell her something, though she’s never once picked up, so why I even bother with that, I have no idea. She rarely texts either, not even to let you know she received important messages. So I end up sending texts like, “Hey! Work just called and the cops found some dead guy in an alley behind the gas station, so I can’t babysit in 10 minutes after all!* Sorry!” Then two minutes later, “You got that text, right?” Then two minutes after that, “Right??????” I finally give up, call her husband and ask if he’s heard from her. “Oh yeah,” he’ll say. “We ended up not needing a sitter for tonight after all. Didn’t she call you?”

    Blargh.

    *I’m a reporter, not a coroner. Or Horatio Caine.

  415. You just made me laugh out loud in the office until I nearly peed and started crying. Thank you for always being the best part of my day. You are amazing!

  417. Jenny. I already have your book and I laugh-cried my way through it. If I am a chosen contestant, I would actually like you to send me your favorite Neil Gaiman book, signed by you. Sound like a fair deal?

  419. i’m only page 87 and your book is already the best I’ve ever read.

  420. I haven’t answered my phone since the invention of the answering machine. My mom gets the angriest….of course. I try to explain to her and others who whine about it that I do not carry my phone around with me everywhere I go. Apparently, it’s the social norm. Screw that.

  421. My husband and I have our own version of the “why don’t you ever answer the phone” game daily. Fortunately, I’ve learned that if I confuse him enough, he just leaves me alone about it, lol!! Keep on keeping on Jenny, you make me laugh daily and that is something I’m always thankful for. **BIG SQUEEEEEZY HUGS** I hope your week turns around hun!

  422. Just found out my co-worker bought your book for his wife for Mother’s Day. How sweet is that?

  423. Yeah, I anmtotally using the kidnapped one when I text my husband after failing to answer the phone when he calls.

  424. You mean I’m not *obligated* to answer my phone? HOOPLA!

  425. It used to be that I never answered the phone when my husband called because I always forgot to take my phone with me. But now, he never answers his phone when I call because his phone is always out of battery. I realize this is fair (or something) — but I can’t help but wonder how a person who ALWAYS takes his phone EVERYWHERE can’t remember to charge it.

  426. Going deaf was the best fucking excuse EVER to say I didn’t hear the phone ring. It works every time!

  427. I think Susan (#23) that couldn’t read your post because of a typo in the first sentence has a problem. Knowing grammar is a good thing. Being so distracted by a single typo that one disregards an entire blog of awesome is a problem.

    Btw, I think you should give a signed copy of your book to my sister (via me) because I already own your book.

  428. I can relate to not anwering the phone, especially when it’s my hubsband. Why do husbands want to constantly talk on the phone?! Off my back, Honey! Leave me alone for 5 minutes, will ya? And he never has anything important to say (like kidnappings, or horses eating faces, etc)….he just wants to talk.
    Glad to hear your book continues to do well. I don’t really like to read(I get too sleepy!), but I would read your book, if it’s half as fun as your blog!

  429. My good wife Linda is always so amazed when we are angry that she won’t answer her phone until around 4:30 in the afternoon. We should know better by now & stop placing a guilt trip on her. Or something.
    Pax

  430. Jenny… you should convince Victor to co-write a booth on relationships. I would totally buy it… it would be hysterical I’m sure. You keep us laughing Jenny… For me because of some of your adventures I can totally see it in my head as me and my friends/family which makes it even funnier. My favs being Beyonce and “The GPS is trying to Kill Me”…. love, love, love 😀

  431. I already have your book, though it isn’t signed. I didn’t go to your signing at Powell’s because that would have meant parking downtown on a work night which kinda gives me a rash. I think you had one at Powell’s in Portland, right? Anyway, just wanted to say hi and you’re awesome… Hi. You’re awesome.

  432. Too too funny. You guys are the best. I have to tell you for my birthday one of my best friends bought me a travel mug with a picture of Beyonce (the chicken) on one side, the other side reads “Knock, Knock, MOFO,” she thought surely that way I could bring it to work. We signed up to run a race and named our team the “Knock, Knock, Motherfuc%ers,” they called and asked if it was a joke. We told the girl we were totally serious and she had better google Beyonce the Chicken. She did and said it was the best team name ever.

  433. I am super behind on everything this month because of anxiety and my brain trying to devour me whole. I’m attempting to console myself with petting my cats.

  434. I’m forwarding this post to my husband so he won’t ask why I don’t answer my phone in the future, lol. Congratulations on being on the NYT Best Sellers list!

  436. Facts:
    We married the same man.
    My blog is funnier than yours.
    My book has out sold and out lasted your book on the NYT bestsellers list.

    If kittens are facing extinction and faces are being eaten by horses, the above facts are true. Try not to step in the rainbow turds my unicorn is dropping as I ride off, with my spurs, jingle jangle jingling.

  438. I give my phone dirty looks every time it rings. Also, kittens cannot go extinct because I need one. Or two. Or enough to make me a crazy cat lady. ‘Cause everybody knows that’s where I’m headed.

  440. You know I just found out my friend’s puppy died and this post made me feel marginally less shitty, so thank you. I feel you on the shitty week. And congratulations about the NYT list, that’s amazing and not at all unexpected.

  441. I need to send this to my sister. She NEVER answers my calls and it is so annoying. Your excuses are better than hers…she needs some tips.

    I usually end up calling her husband and making him hand her the phone!

  442. I’ve had a shit week too. I am unemployed so I don’t know if I need your book or the $15.00 more. =)

  443. Love that itues, or would it be ibooks, anyway recommended your book to me. I have shared it with everyone I can (2 people- kinda sad but true) and some of my friends have gone a bit over the deep end for you.. NANCY if you are reading this.. you really need to take a step back! kcp

  444. I was going to leave this comment even before I saw about the giveaway. However, I can totally relate to the very valid reasoning in time #40,006 – I mean really, who wants to get that call? Much safer to ignore the phone. On a related note, my heart does occasionally skip a beat when my husband is out and someone unexpectedly comes to the door… I envision needing medication when my boys get old enough to leave the house on their own…. or just ignoring the door from the basement….

  446. What if I have all of Neil Gaiman’s Books too?!

    Also, your humor has brought me through a lot of my crappy hours, days, weeks. I hope all this comment love helps you through yours.

  447. I never answer my land line ever. It’s full of voice messages I’m sure, which scares me away even more!

  448. You are the funniest woman on this planet. I read your book May 2012. On a plane. My laughter was probably the annoying equivalence of a crying baby.

    Cheers. Hope your week improves. You are The Bloggess. How can it not?

  449. You know, Jenny, I still have a picture of me hugging you on my phone from when you came to Atlanta for your book signing last year. You are so frigging awesome it’s scary. Like spider-clown scary. But in the best possible way. I read your blog every day because you make me laugh and cry and feel a little less alone as the weird one here in Georgia. So thank you for that.

  450. T ell Victor that at least you have your phone when you don’t answer it. Every time I try to call my husband for something (usually to pick something up on the way home), it rings laying in the room beside me. So aggravating.

  452. I hope your week gets better soon! A world without kittens is unfathomable.

  454. I shared this with my fiance via IM while he’s at work and this happened:

    Me: lol I’m like Victor here.

    My Fiance: ugg.

    Me: Hm?

    My fiance: I kind of want to slap you.

    Me: Why?

    My Fiance: Just because I heard you saying all of that in my head.

    Me: lmao! I just laughed so hard I sprayed half chewed noodles everywhere.

    My Fiance: It’s a cheesnado!

    Me: lmfao

    My Fiance: That little snippet would be good to leave as a comment if you want a copy of her book. Probably this part too because then it seems extra self serving and you might get bonus points for it.

    Me: lol you know, that’s not a bad idea. Also, damn you read fast, especially ’cause you’re working AND eating.

    My Fiance: Are you kidding, who had to read that? We’ve had that exact conversation 50 times. It was just like recalling memories. Also I just checked and while I’m not allergic to latex, I could talk into my phone if it was taped to my ankle, but I couldn’t hear you unless I put it on speakerphone with my chin.

  455. I read the last portion of your blog as you can buy something by Neil deGrasse Tyson, not Neil Neil Gaiman. For that whole moment I was amazed that I could buy something from Neil DeGrasse Tyson and wondered what it could be. I lost a little bit of my afternoon daydreaming about the possibilities. But, it’s just Neil Gaiman. I believe you that he’s amazing; but I’m still disappointed.
    I’m hoping I snap out of this wave of self-induced she-wasn’t-talking-about-that-Neil-which-would-have-been-a-mind-blowing-event-feeling, as this will be an awkward conversation with my therapist as to why my upward swing was thwarted by a Neil knuckle ball.

  456. Good Lord! Clearly I am not the only person in love with your sense of humor.
    Oh, and douchecanoe is one of the best words ever. It’s right up there with douchnozzle, cocktard, and fucktard.
    🙂

  457. As much as you like to write you two should text. But that would take a lot of the fun out of things I suppose.

  459. I don’t answer my phone either… why should I? He’s perfectly capable of texting. 😛

  460. I’m surprised my husband never yelled at me for not answering his calls. My phone was always on silent. Now I just have a wifi-only iPad, so we can only text. Life is good. xD

    Also, I am crossing my fingers AND toes, hoping I win a book! I’ve been wanting it for ages, but financial crisis has not allowed me to splurge. Stupid bills. And food.

  462. I have the same issue with not answering my phone. I hear it ring, usually look at the caller id, then throw it to voicemail. Sometimes I just dont have the energy to carry on a conversation. Just text me already. My husbands asked “Why do you get so angry when your phone rings? It’s not normal” I tell him ‘Because MY friends know not to call me, to text instead”

    I’ve also had a shitty week that will probably contribute to extinct kittens by weekend

  463. Although this was obviously a Marathon of Suckiness for Victor, this post absolutely made my day. I was contemplating what size binder clip would be best to seal my co-workers mouth, but this totally distracted me from office flotsam assault; it’s all good now. Thank you for the intervention.

  464. I usually can’t even find my phone to answer it, so let Victor know you are way ahead of some people in that department. Sorry you’ve been down. I’d be happy to send you some cookies if you think it would help. I’d offer to send you eggrolls but I have political reasons as to why I’d never do that.
    -Gina-

  465. I’m pretty sure I could use these transcripts to program a bot to answer the phone that will pass a Turing test. Then we just need to program you phone to autorespond to Victor.

  466. My parents never answer their cell phones either. Hell, they never even turn them on (though they do keep them charged. Figure *that* one out for me, will you?). They’ve had them for years, and still haven’t gotten around to setting up the voicemail. I refer to their phones as the two paperweights they rent from AT&T.

  467. This post made me really laugh. I too am one of those people who refuse to be tied to my phone, on call 24/7 to whoever calls, no matter what I’m doing. If the phone’s handy and I’m not in the middle of anything, I’ll answer it. If I don’t, well, that’s why they invented voicemail.

  468. My husband just shared this post with me & said “I’ve never understood someone’s life so well as I understand Victor’s.” *innocent blink*

  469. Pick me because it’s sightly more likely than the lottery and almost as fun! Pick me because even though I loooove Neil Gaiman and won’t get to see him on his book tour next month, I still want your book, too! I’ll put it with my signed copy of Caspar Babypants This is Fun, because it’s the other thing I have signed by a famous person! And because I’ve ended each of these sentences with an! except this last one because it’s only a fragment.

  470. Yup … I’m the Victor in my relationship. My mind automatically goes to the worst possible scenario when my husband doesn’t answer the phone.

    Anyhoooo – sorry you’ve had such a terrible week, but super excited about how well your book is doing. Keep making the rest happy by sharing your crazy shenanigans!!! (And yes, I said shenanigans.) 🙂

  472. I have your book but my daughter doesn’t, so I’d love to have another to give to my daughter who gave me your book in the first place. Then she’d have her own book that I gave her and she won’t need to borrow my book that she gave me. Oh, all right — it would be her book that YOU gave her, but either way i would come out looking less … possessive … of my book that she gave me.

  473. Hello?….Hello?… Is anybody there? Damn why do I keep answering this phone anyway?

  474. I just had a weird Doctor Who encounter. Yesterday I looked at the new Cake Wrecks blog and it was all based on the “Don’t Blink” episode. Later that night I watched it for the first time. It made my whole evening all wibbly-wobbly.
    I’d forgotten just how awesome that show was over the last 30 some-odd years…=)

  475. I used to stalk the non-BF by phone until he answered. “WHAT?” “Just wanted to say hi.”
    So now when I Cell Phone Stalk him, he has an app that texts me “Can’t talk now, will call you later.” That he has an app that instantly blows me off isn’t what makes me mad, it’s his lack of creativity. Change the damned text message every once in a while. The same one all the time bores me.

    Hope your week gets better, and soon. Because it’s almost over.

  477. I’m a slacker and haven’t read your book yet. You should send me one so I can be less of a lazy person.

  478. Now all I can think of is this:

    Love you, lady! You’re always awesome at bringing the smiles!

  479. hilarious!! and, pick me, pick me!! I love free hilarious books! 🙂

  481. I admire your phone drill. Smart girl you can never be too prepared for the “I’ve been kidnapped scenario.”

  482. There are guys cleaning the carpet in my apartment and the chemicals smell really good – like fruit rollups or something…but mixed in deadly chemicals.

  483. I’m going mad today because the library where I work has these massive humidifiers that are so very loud, it makes me feel like I’m trapped inside a staticky TV. Reading your blog though always makes me laugh so thanks for that. 🙂

    I adored your book and even made sure that my library ordered a copy.

  484. I have to send this to my husband. He’s always complaining I’m unreachable. Though less so now that I got a smartphone and can’t be separated from it for even a few seconds.

  487. How are you planning on notifying the winners of your book? You clearly have an aversion to phones…. should I expect a call from your ankle?

  489. I enjoy reading your blog. You are so funny. Thanks for the laughs.

  490. Those conversations are exactly why I don’t have a cell phone. Leave a voice mail on my landland. I’ll get back you. When it’s convenient for me…not you.

  491. If I win your book, I will pass my original copy along to a friend preparing to travel so that they, too can be on the “no-fly” list.

    Boy, you laugh for 45 minutes straight midair and people get all kinds of judge-y on you.

  492. Conversations with Victor could be a book itself. These brighten up my day.

    I hope your week starts looking up. If it doesn’t, go save all the kittens. You can’t be sad as the crazy cat lady. (I’d suggest lots of litter too. And MAYBE some air fresheners. But it’s up to you.)

  494. You are so spectacularly funny in the weirdest, most awesome sense of the word.

    My teenage daughter HATES to read, but she loves your blog and is also awesomely weird so we bond over your posts. She has named a (small) metal chicken at her boyfriend’s house Beyonce (in your honor) – and regularly shows me pictures of taxidermied animals…so if you ever need an assistant or intern, I may have just the girl for you. 🙂

  495. The other day my husband and I were driving down a dirt road and all of the sudden, there was a duckling in the road. Like it was magically transported to the road by some time machine or something. I tried to catch it, but it wasn’t having any of that. I assume it was on a very important mission. I just thought you should know.

  497. It sucks balls that you are having a rough time. From one crazy person to another I send you good thoughts.

  499. So I have your book and it’s already signed by you (and I have a photo to prove it) BUT I’m in this amazing little Nerd Board of Awesomeness on Facebook where all we talk about all day is Doctor Who, Sherlock Holmes, Dexter, internet memes, video games and various superheroes. I’m 100000% positive everyone would be falling all over themselves to get a signed copy of your book since YOU’RE ONE OF US (whether you realize it or not). I kinda want to see what would happen if I dangled your book in front of them….kind of like a “what would you do-oo-ooo for a Klondike Bar” situation.

  500. I always answer the phone when it rings, but I don’t make a great effort to call back when a call is dropped, especially if I’m driving. My husband is left to believe I was killed in a firey crash. Sorry, husband.

  501. I never answer my phone either and it makes my husband crazy. I always tell him that it’s rude to answer the phone when you’re on a date. Somehow this does make him any less angry.

  502. I would love to have a copy of your book and I want to let you know I think you are absolutely hilarious!

  504. This is now probably one of my all-time favourite posts. I’m laughing like a damn hyena at work, and I also snort when I laugh, so basically I sound like a totally messed-up hyena-pig hybrid. As if the people at my office didn’t already think I was totally batshit insane. THANKS, JENNY.

    (No seriously – thanks. I love how often you make me laugh, and it’s always right when I need it!)

  506. Dear, you made me laugh and in my really shitty depressing week – that is saying something.

    Kiss Victor because I said so.
    And kiss Hailey
    and kiss the kitty cats
    and kiss the metal rooster….. (take a pic of that…. and tweet it… it might make me laugh again)

    I have had a couple of really great people pass away this week and I would like to just bury my head and cope, but life must go on for me ….. Thanks to you and a few other really amazing people I know I will find the happiness in this world again.

  507. This post made me laugh so hard. It’s like I’m Victor and you are my husband. Wait. That sounds weird.
    Anyway, I hope things get better soon!

  508. I too have phone avoidance syndrome. But seriously, isn’t that what voicemail is for?

  509. You are awesome! Ive been hooked on your blog since I read about Beyounce. In fact, my teacher coworkers and I have a little glass chicken figurine that we randomly leave in each others classroom at odd places with the note saying “knock knock”. 🙂 Thank you for the entertainment!

  510. I too always get yelled at for not answering my phone. My responses are never this clever…thanks for the tips!

  511. My husband used to get peeved about me not answering the phone – until his acted up one day and he didn’t get any messages until after he’d been home 15 minutes. That is what it took for him to understand that it isn’t always my fault. Well, that, and me threatening to block his number because being cursed by him was the last thing I needed after a horrible day of back to back meetings at work when I couldn’t even turn my phone on until I was on my way home.

  512. I want my relationship to eventually get to you and Victor levels of awesome. I also want a signed copy of your book. 🙂

  513. I am yelled at all the time for not answering my phone. This was a fun read for me…lol

  514. I already own your book, but I agree – Neil Gaiman is amazing. I just started reading his work. I’ve read “The Graveyard Book” and “Neverwhere” and am getting ready to start “American Gods”. REALLY enjoying his writing style and I love his characters. Even though the worlds he writes about are fictional, the personality traits of his characters are such that if I met Door or Bod in person, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least. They FIT.

  515. I never answer my phone either. My husband always yells. Sometimes he calls my daughter to get her to find me so that I will answer my phone. I will now start using all these excuses in their correct order.

  516. I have the same problem with my parents. Actually the only time I answer the first time they call is if they wake me up and I’m too sleepy to realize it’s not the alarm clock and then I am less-than-half awake anyway.
    Why would you call me when I sleep, seriously? It’s not like everybody gets up before 9….

  517. OMG! ME! Just once… please for the love of god… ME! okay, it actually has been me one other time… I got a red dress from you…. which was fucking awesome… and I have your book on my kindle… but I want it to be me… right now… this week… jesus

  518. I totally channeled you this past weekend and texted my husband to death while I was laying down and he was playing video games…I so should have kept those texts

  519. My hubs can never reach me on my cell phone because it’s usually sitting in my purse totally dead because I always forget to charge it. Drives him nuts!

    Also, it’s very difficult to type when you have a cat pinning down your left wrist and you have to reach over him with your right arm because he refuses to move from his spot between you and your keyboard with his butt on the mouse pad. And I can’t bring myself to move him because he’s got his nose tucked under his paw and he’s PURRING.

    Here, I took a picture: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10201145932319925&set=a.2945721011590.2151042.1518212296&type=1&theater

  520. I have actually had similar conversations with my husband about my non-answering of the phone. That ring is SO jarring and sometimes I’m napping and do not want to be disturbed. Well, actually. waking me up before I’m ready is like taking your life in your own hands against a very hungry velociraptor. It’s not a good idea.

    I’d love to win a copy of your book. I have been trying to find it in our local bookstores, but have been unsuccessful. I currently have it on order with the library.

  521. sometimes i don’t know who i love more..you or victor….

    if i get win the book please tell me in advance so i can choose if i want your signature or victors

    =)

  524. I’m pretty sure this week has just been a huge shitstorm for everyone. And also SUPER insomnia-y. Insomniatic. All the insomnies in the attics, which are totally real things.

    Also, if kittens go extinct, Obama and I are going to have WORDS.

  525. I’m sad that you are having a hard time this week. And also, don’t go to a hospital if you’re allergic to latex. That place is chock full of latex and not everyone is careful about not inducing anaphylaxis. I know you don’t really know me, but I love you and I hope that comment won’t send you hiding in the bathroom. <3

  526. You are hilarious. I love you as much as a baby loves toes. Or whatever it is that babies love. I don’t have kids. DON’T JUDGE ME.

  528. Thanks for giving me some answers for my husband when he asks me why I don’t ever answer my phone. Hilarious!

  530. I put on lipstick this morning thinking it was actually Carmex, so now I look like the Joker.

    I would love a signed copy of your book. I have it on my Kindle, but the REAL THING would be great because I think I’ll want to reference stuff in the future and I’m more of a post-it note kind of gal.

    Hope that spontaneous combustion stuff wasn’t too painful. I hear that sucks.

  531. I can haz book, please? Also, I never answer my phone. It is a device for texting and internetting, not talking. Also, kittens are nice.

  533. seriously why wouldn’t you want more time before knowing he’s dead? at least then they might send a hot police officer to tell you in person. Hope your week gets better!

  541. Loved this post! My husband NEVER answers his phone. At the very least he should get more creative when I ask why. He only says he didn’t hear it, which is not entertaining at all…

  542. I would love a copy of the book so I can keep the signed copy and give away my old copy with tear stains (from laughing so hard) to a friend! Huge thanks for doing what you do!

  543. My husband went the childish route and didn’t answer his phone for 3 days. This included not responding to text messages. We spoke in the interim, but when I blew a gasket and yelled at him he was all, “see how it feels” and I was all, “but YOU are the considerate one!” And I did end up calling him childish. Amazing I’m still married.

  545. My kid never answers the phone.. like ever. So bleeping annoying… so the I decided not to answer his call one day. BOY I wish I did.. came home to find his girlfriend in the shower.. his call was to warn me.. yeah.. Thanks man…

  548. I think this is why my husband and I have given up the pretense of civility and just text message.

  550. Thanks for making my friend and I laugh today!

    I actually lent my book out to someone and it was never returned. They probably are holding it hostage and it is duct taped and gagged right now waiting for my ransom.

    I should really keep a list of who i lend my books out too!

    Come to South Jersey on a book tour please!!!!!!!!!!!

  551. I have similar conversations with my husband about answering my phone…well maybe not quite like your conversations, but similar. And why doesn’t he just text?
    PS Pick me! Pick me! I already have a copy of your book which I read in a public place and humiliated myself by laughing hysterically outloud, but I will give that copy away to a good friend who deserves a pick-me-up and keep for myself the autographed copy!

  552. I’ve already read your book, but I’d love to have a copy to give to my therapist, to remind her that there are people out there who are harder to treat than me. 🙂

  553. Victor should thank his lucky stars you even take your phone with you when you’re out. I call MrB when he’s doing the shopping to tell him not to forget the really vital thing I forgot to put on the list and hear the phone ringing on the kitchen table. Every. Time.

  554. My hubby would sympathize and relate to Victor because I also hate answering the phone. But I figure that if it was really important, they would leave several messages or send someone to the knock on the door. But actually… I am even worse about that and never answer my door, so I guess I’m screwed either way. LOL

  556. PS. I was serious when I said I’d teach you basic taxidermy and we can make sweet, sweet stuffed dead bodies together.

  557. Answering phones is highly overrated (mostly because I never charge mine and the battery’s always dead).

    Hope your week gets less shitty…

  558. A signed copy would be ever better then the electronic and paperback copies I have

  559. Am I the only one who is all nervous that they’ll win the signed book with some lame comment and everyone will be all “Gah! Don’t give that crappy commenter a book!”? But then you don’t care because hey! Free signed book!

  560. 1. I bought your book in ADVANCE, via pre-order on Amazon. That’s how amazing I think you are.

    2. This is really an awesomely funny (and totally relatable) post. I was laughing out loud (almost snorting) for most of it, until I started weeping a little when I realized I’ll never write a post that’s close to being this funny.

    3. Thanks for that.

  561. Conversation with Hubby right before he went to bed:

    Hubby: “I’m loving this new deodorant. It lasts all day!”
    Me: “Where did you get it?”
    Hubby: “The gas station, just as a back up, here, smell my pits.”

    Me: “Ok. Smells like deodorant. When did you put it on?”
    Hubby: “This morning. You don’t like it? It can’t be any worse than my CPAP.”
    Me: “It makes you smell like a grampa. Your CPAP is way sexier than grampa deodorant. At least that way I can visualize you as an alien and role play…”

  562. I loved your book, of course. So I got it for my insane and impossible mother for Mother’s day. She called me an hour later to say she’d read a huge bit of it, and she was laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe. She has COPD and is on Oxygen. See, you are trying to kill my mother. This may be another vote in your favor.

  564. My job stinks. I have to write about torture, Guantanamo, sexual abuse, discrimination, racism, human rights violations, corporate greed, corruption, and the erosion of the United States Constitution among other things on a daily basis. It’s for a good cause but it gets really, really damn hard. I take breaks throughout the day (so I don’t throw myself out the window) and one of my favorite breaks is reading your posts. They always make me laugh out loud. So thank you. I’ve also purchased 4 or 5 copies of your book (one for myself but then I keep lending it to people and letting them keep it to share w/ their husband or friend or Mom or whatever).

  567. I would have called, but know that would be fruitless. So here’s my comment. Pick me!

  569. This is the first time I’ve ever read your blog. I’m so glad a friend of mine linked to it. Congrats to you on your best-seller, and on your good taste (liking Neil Gaiman).

  571. My cat refuses to cuddle with my husband, but willingly shoves his face into my armpits to nap. I think it’s because he recognizes my superior taste in reading materials, and, being a cat, can’t think of a better way to encourage me. (Except by bringing me dead things, which he intermittently tries. When it fails to get a pleased response, he goes back to cuddling my armpits.)
    (Not that armpit cuddling gets him a pleased response, but at least it doesn’t get him locked outside.)
    The point is, a copy of your book would make us both very happy – I can read while he shoves his face into my pits.

  573. I just got a new phone. It’s a smart phone. My first one. It might be smarter than me. Maybe I shouldn’t answer it. It might answer itself.

  574. I love your book, but I’d adore giving it to my local library so I can share the insanity… after I pass it around to my closest friends… wow that sounds a bit gross. but still.

  575. Shitty weeks are shitty. Here are baby pandas on a slide, to restore your faith in the world.

  577. Just because you have a phone, doesn’t mean you have to answer it… My husband & I just ext each other. then he doesn’t misunderstand what I asked him to get from the store… 😉

  578. Hey, can I have a copy of your book? I already have one of Neil’s books and I’d like to put yours on the shelf next to “Coraline.” Thanks.

  579. Lol!!!! I’m totally going to get fired for not getting any work done. Too funny!!!!

  581. My husband used to complain that I never answered my phone, either. Which I didn’t, because I never did seem to hear it ring. Now I’ve changed to the loudest, most annoying ring tone ever so I do hear it. The problem is, now he hates it when anyone else calls me.

  583. LOVE your blog. It brightens up my day when I read it!
    Thanks for being a quirky you…

  584. Your secret “I’ve been kidnapped and I’m being held hostage in a warehouse” code word should be “Pineapple”. Because it’s so easy to bring up in every day conversation.

  587. I like reading your posts on FB, they make me laugh. That’s it, can I just have the book?

  588. You would’ve like Charlotte- she lived her life under a bathroom sink and only came out for food or to love you when you were using the potty- it’s not like your hands were busy or anything!

  589. I’m not sure who is more rude. Victor or the phone. They both owe you an apology for being rude and interrupting your personal time. Also, you need to get a tape recorder of Wil Wheaton saying basic things like “Hey” “How are ya?” “You mad, bro?” “Pull my finger..” I figure this way, the next time Victor calls you, you can just play the Wil Wheaton sound clips and he can have a maddening conversation with a soundboard.

  591. My sister put this as a the message to my mom’s cell phone. “You’ve reached *****, who has probably lost her phone, and has no clue what is going on. Bye now!”
    And most of the time, that is true.

  592. Text. You need text. Much easier to ignore and answer in you own time frame. Just sayin…. my aunt never answers the phone, you can call 50 bazillion times and she won’t answer, but text her and she responds fairly quickly (considering how long you would be calling, which is eternity)

  593. Yay! My darling daughter would love me forever if I won a signed copy of your book! 😀

  594. Stop calling your wife. kind obvious she doesn’t wanna talk to you…seriously

  596. Please dont answer your phone, I never answer mine, if someone wants me they have to text. This way i can say the FAMOUS author Jenny Lawson never answers her phone, so clearly it is the right thing to do. I already have your book, so when i win this thing, I want another one, so i can give it away to someone that in my opinion needs it. I have already given 3 copies away. Just my way of spreading good cheer.

  598. How long will it be before Victor lives in a padded room. Once the over/under is set, who is taking the official wagers?

  599. Thanks for all the laughs…I can really relate to some of these posts, as I have had similar conversations with my husband…and children 🙂

  600. The more and more I read your blog the more I wonder how you are in my brain…
    Can’t wait to check out your book too.

  602. This week has been rough for me, too. Hang in there. This shit will get better.

    By the way, your husband’s frustration = me whenever I try to call my mother. She actually texted me once to say she was having surgery in two weeks. It took me a week to get her on the phone to find out what the surgery was for.

  603. Thank you for making me laugh on a most un-laughable day…. 🙂 I’m all prepped with an adult diaper for when I read your book… because I will be laughing so hard I pee myself. That’s what I get for pushing out two kids. Adult diapers.

  606. Your blogs make every single day a little brighter!

  607. I hope you don’t get your face eaten off by horses! But that does remind me of a dead horse story. A friend of my family’s horse died, and they decided to bury it in the field behind their house. But apparently they didn’t bury it deep enough, and a while later, rigor mortis set in and the horse’s legs stuck straight out of the ground. All four of them, hoofs pointed skyward. And so their solution was to go out there with a chainsaw and saw off the horse’s legs and rebury them next to the rest of the horse.

    So that’s my comment!

  608. This Canadian thanks you for still blogging while having a shitty week.
    You came to Toronto on your book tour and I am still upset that I didn’t push through my anxiety to drive into the city to see and hear you. If you ever come this far north again (I so hope you do!!) I will make a valiant effort to see you in action. ~Melanie

  609. Do you really fuck with your husband like that on the phone? AWESOME! I’m going to have to get my sister to read this post. She’d love some of your ideas.

  610. I recently discovered that I love Neil Gaiman. I was traumatized a while back by a short story he wrote & was afraid to read anything else he wrote, but my husband finally talked me into trying something else of his, and I’m so glad I did!

  611. Will a simple ((((((((((hug))))))))))) do ? I hope your week gets better….

  612. Thank you for posting this. It provided many laughs for my office. Also, it allowed me to share my secret code in case I ever get kidnapped. Had I not read this today, they never would have known if I was hypothetically in trouble. : )

  614. Sorry to be nosy, but since you brought it up first, why is Victor calling you so much during the day? What could he possibly need? Doesn’t he know you should be working? Again, sorry to be nosy. Also, sorry for all the apologies. I’m Canadian and, well, some stereotypes hold up.

  616. You always always ALWAYS make my stomach hurt I laugh so hard! THANKS….Here’s my something random that my 30 yr old daughter posted on my FB page… I think she was channeling YOU!… “Balloons are so weird…”Happy birthday! Here, have a rubber sack of my breath.”

    Have a GREAT Weekend…I hope kittens are not extinct anytime soon….

  618. I’m keeping my useless Blackberry. My useless phone can take all the blame for Menotti answering.

  619. Oh my effing God, that is absolutely hilarious!! I love those conversations!

    I’m sorry that you’re having a bad week but your publisher is a super hero for saving the day 🙂 I’ve read your book but would love a signed copy. I’ll pass my current copy on to somebody who could use a laugh

  621. About anything? Well. I was *not* kidnapped by aliens today, nor was I probed. I think that makes it a good day. My 6 yo son says its a good day because he got his first ribbons from summer swim team. He tried to call his Dad to tell him, but Dad’s voice mail was full. I mention this because not only does Dad rarely answer his phone but he also never listens to his voice mail. I’ve stopped leaving him voice mail. I still call.

    I’d worship a signed copy of your book – build it an altar and everything.

  622. I’m so sorry for all the suckatude you’ve been enduring – not least of which is the damn phone thing.

    I answer phones all day at work and I HATE IT. I am NOT answering phones for FREE on MY OWN DAMN TIME.
    Drives my husband crazy. Not Victor crazy, but close.

    I laughed so hard while reading your book, I cried twice and almost wet myself once. Thanks for that.

  623. I am totally Victor in this scenario. If only my SO’s responses were as entertaining.

  624. You are better than a glass of wine at the end of the day. You are so awesome that I have shared your blog with everyone I know because you are like crack. Once you start reading this blog, you get pissed until your next fix.

  626. I already have your book on my kindle (and LOVED it!)! I’m mostly entering this contest for a friend of mine who has been wanting to read it but doesn’t have a copy.. or a kindle! 😉

  627. You are awesome and I love you and I really really REALLY want a signed copy of your book!

  628. I am Victor, but my husband is SO totally not as hilarious as you, which would still not make me want to kill him when he doesn’t pick up the damn phone or when he forgets to charge the damn phone to begin with so that he has an excuse (he thinks) for not answering the damn phone. Damn phone.

  629. I’m so grateful for your book and your blog. You keep me sane. Thank you. I am so happy to hear that the book is doing so well. I loved it:)

  630. I already have your book, but I would love another copy. I would love them equally. No Favourites. Unless one was signed.

  632. I always answer my phone…when it’s charged, I have chargers everywhere and yet still cannot manage to keep it charged…the first gift my husband ever bought me while we were dating was a car charger, still failed 🙁

  633. I really do adore you. Just so you know. You have caused me a great deal of pain.
    Last year I almost died, dr.s kept telling me there was nothing serious wrong despite multiple attempts to get help. They finally took it seriously when I was 24 hours from death. I had to have emergency surgery and I was in the hospital a long time. The surgeon was a hackjob and cut me from stem to sternum pretty much, so you can imagine coughing, sneezing, moving was agonizing. But so was laughing. But I was in the hospital, alone, depressed and angry…I needed something to cheer me up. So I decided to re-read your entire blog. The pain meds did nothing against my outbursts of laughter and then sobs of pain but it was worth it. Totally cheered me up and made my long hospital stay bearable. So thank you for that! <3

  635. I bought a bunch of shoes (yes, I am random and bought like 26 pairs of shoes..) only to realize I don’t really need 26 pairs of shoes. Some are being sold on ebay, but I’ve been listing them on there for like 3 months now and no nibbles. They are brand new in box… you should totally take it upon yourself to help me sell my shoes lol. PS… your blog rocks 🙂 ps… my ebay SN thing is lilrussianpistel

    🙂

  636. I want you to come over for tea. You make me feel okay about being me with your posts.

    Also, I was singing songs from A Chorus Line today while I was working in my yard and my neighbor laughed so hard he dropped all his mail. I don’t know how to take that.

  637. I’m totally stealing some of these for when my husband asks why I don’t answer my phone. I’m hoping for the reaction where he forgets what he wanted. 😉

  638. I hope horses don’t eat your face – it would be hard for Victor to stuff you and put you in the bed next to him so he doesn’t sleep alone at night. I am allergic to latex as well. I had oxygen with my last child (c-section) and I broke out with a rash and blisters all over my face. Tell Victor paper tape is the way to go. It isn’t as durable, but , hey, no allergies.

  639. Answering the phone is overrated. I have a distinct aversion to it.

    Why does he call you so much anyway? Seriously.

  640. I’m broke and you’re funny. I want to read your book but the motherfriggin library has a waiting list 40,008 people long (see what I did there? I can count) and only one copy because I live in a tiny ass town with a tiny ass library. I myself am writing the story of my semi-hilarious, semi-unentertaining journey through life as a mom in the form of a book that will never get written because I work so damn much. So, I probably won’t even have time to read your book if you send it to me, but I have this table that my mom got me for Christmas with one broken chair and one that wobbles, and I could use your book to prop up the crappy wobbly leg. Just being honest. Or funny. You pick.
    (PS I do love your blog)

  642. Tell him you were too busy doing your workout to answer the phone. Got to keep yourself trim and beautiful for him with Prancercise!

  643. I made my ring tone “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye. Now when the phone rings, I tilt my head and say, “Ahhhh, the phone’s ringing.” Not that I answer it more often, but it does wonders for my mood. In fact, sometimes I just want to grab a beer and sit on the porch and listen to my phone ring.

  644. My husband never answers his phone though, in his defense, he is walking around with what may be the first Blackberry ever purchased by the Army so I suppose I should cut him some slack. Or maybe not…. Our conversations, however, are not nearly as hysterical as yours and Victor’s!

  645. I’m with you…I rarely answer my phone and people seem so annoyed by that. If you don’t like it that I don’t answer, stop calling me. There…problem solved 😉

  646. I’m SO glad Twitter suggested that I follow you a couple of days ago because it led me to read this post. It made me smile so much…poor Victor! I worry when people repeatedly don’t answer the phone, especially when it’s a family member. My overactive mind goes into overdrive, imagining something terrible has happened to them.

    I would love to be one of the lucky winners of your book. 😀

  647. I’m always so excited with my Top Sites list on Safari has a star beside your site because I know there is another piece of awesome from you! Thanks for making me smile!

  648. My week has been pretty shitty too, and I have wanted to read your book!

  649. You know, my husband gets upset with me over the whole not-answering-the-phone ALL.THE.TIME. and it’s so not my fault that I have a purse the size of a small apartment that it gets lost so that by the time I find the thing, it goes to voice mail.

    So, I suggest you get a purse the size of a small apartment, keep your cell there, and when Victor bitches about your not answering? Tell him you couldn’t get it in time, and that will he PLEASE BE PATIENT while you look for it. Because purses the size of small apartments take some time to look through, especially when there’s like five bazillion recipts, tic tac boxes, various and sundry necessities that you don’t need at the moment (but YOU MIGHT!).

    see? everyone wins!

    oh, and so not suprised by your book doing so well, because it’s farking awesome. so there!

  650. Have you lost your towel? Lost towel = shitty week. Actually, I really should go look for my towel, its absence is probably why I’ve been so anxious this week.

  651. I am allergic to Duct Tape as well. I hope I never get taken hostage in a bank. Bank robbers always duct tape hostages’ mouths.

  652. My girlfriends and I absolutely LOVE your blog!! I have made it my mission to introduce as many friends as possible to the zany wonderfulness that is Jenny Lawson. I would be over the moon if I received a signed copy of your book- please send it right away 😉

  653. I think you’re fabulous, and I’m so sorry you’ve had such a horrible week. I wish you the very best.

  656. Man, I’d love a copy of your book. I honestly can’t remember the last time I read a book for fun, but yours seems pretty fun!

  657. I’m glad to know I’m not the only crazy person in Texas. You always bring a smile to my day. Thanks, Jenny!

  658. You make me laugh every time I read your blog. And you almost made me pee my pants in the parking lot at work once. I had been listening to LPTNH audio version on my commute and it happened to be the chapter where you were on the toilet after ODing on exlax and thought someone was in your house trying to kill you. BEST. COMMUTE. EVER. Thanks for sharing all your awesomeness, Jenny!

  659. I hope your week gets better. Also, I would love a real paper copy of your book, since I only have a digital version.

  660. I don’t think the horses will bother you, but watch out for the garden gnomes!

  661. OMG! I have had similiar conversations with my own husband! He’ll leave these blustery message about why are you not answering your damned phone! Then I have to call him back with some snarky response. I appreciate your help in this area. Now I just have to wait for his next call….

  662. Neil Gaiman is AWESOME! I’m reading American Gods right now. If I didn’t have to work, I’d be reading the last chapter right now! Ugh – work, it gets in the way of reading addictive books.

    Thanks for a hilarious post!

  663. Oh my God my boyfriend never answers his phone, it drives me nuts. Victor, I know that feel, bro.

  664. First off, sorry your week sucks, BIG HUG. Second, thank you for thinking like me or me like you, whichever. I tried to tell my sister about my code words I would use on the phone in case I was abducted and held at gunpoint. She looked at me like I was nuts (a frequent occurrence) and asked “Why would anyone kidnap you?” Apparently not everyone thinks these things are necessary. Clearly, they are wrong. Congrats on your 3 months on the list.

  667. I’d love a copy of your book since the one slated to be loaned to me (by my little sister) now lives in london.

    PS – my wife never answered her phone either until I bought her an iPhone. Now at least I know she has her phone with her even if she doesn’t answer it and if she was dead I’d use the find my iPhone feature to find her and undead her so I could yell at her for not answering her phone to tell me she was dead.

  668. I love Neil Gaiman. Not only does he write the best Doctor Who episodes, he is largely responsible for the existence of Harry Potter. Also, hope your week improves greatly.

  669. Ha. My phone is normally at home, safe in the drawer. And besides, its like the oldest “senior version” of a flip phone that does nothing but vibrate and take voice mail, and keep time. Now why have you NOT found the story about a man KILLED by a beaver. Because you would totally make that into something hilarious, and there I’d be weasiling off again!

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-22707094

  670. Thank you thank you thank you for never failing to bring a smile to my face. 🙂

  671. Well, technically, I own two copies of your book now. Though I have no idea where the hard cover version is, if it still exists, or even if the girl who had it still exists. So instead of you giving me an autographed copy, what if I mailed it to you and a Canadian $20, and you can sign it instead, and frame the $20, because I imagine most of Texas has not seen money as cool and futuristic as Canadian bills

  672. Ha! Funny enough I was just reading a Neil Gaiman book {well more like a short story} the other day 🙂

  674. I have your book but I would love to get a signed copy, and I clearly need to step up my game with my responses to my hubby when he gets mad at me for not answering my phone. Hilarious!

  675. Since you already signed my copy of your book, I’ll use the money I’m going to win to buy Neil’s latest , The Ocean at the End of the Lane when it comes out here in Murka.

  676. This just made my crappy day at work so much better, thanks!!!

  677. You are fucking awesome! What else needs to be said! Well maybe aliens have invaded my body..or my dog hates beer..but like I said you are awesome 🙂

  678. I swear I’ll buy the book myself soon! And my one purchase will keep it on the list for another week. Yay!

  680. I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t always answer the phone. Thanks for making me laugh.

  681. I hate talking on the phone- it’s always weird and full of awkward pauses. I’m so much better when I can write. And kittens aren’t going to go extinct, because all felines have sworn a solemn oath to be as unhelpful as possible, and going extinct would be more helpful than lying in your path when your arms are full.

  682. I’m exhausted today because I was up at 5am to take my sister to LAX and traffic in LA is ridiculous and I’m not sure why I’m surprised.

    I’m a grump, thanks for the laugh 🙂

  685. You should know that right now I’m holding an orange kitten in my hands and I will smother her in gourmet mustard and eat her if I can’t have a signed copy of your book.

    I mean it.

    Right meow.

    Mmmm. Yummy mustardy orange kitty. NOMNOMNOM

  687. I love reading your blog and your book. 🙂 Always brings a smile to my face.

  688. I’ve laid down for a nap and hubby has called the police to come check on my when I didn’t answer. How’s that for over reacting? lol would LOVE a copy of you book

  689. My family actually stopped calling since I never answered. It’s kind of nice. Peaceful. But in my defense, I work in a room with like 3 other people so I leave my phone on silent. I can’t help being polite people!

  690. I never answer my phone either. I figure that if it’s important, they’ll leave a message, call back or text. Either way, I get the information I need without answering my phone.

  691. Still procrastinating and haven’t bought your book yet. Do me a favor and pick me so I do t have to procrastinate anymore? Thanks!

  692. I would love a copy of your book. I read your blog and follow you on twitter, just need the book to make it complete. 🙂 I don’t read much, but simmer is coming and I need something to do while sittingoutside with the kids. Keep up the hilariousness. Yes, it’s a word.

  693. Hi Jenny

    COULD YOU PRETTY PLEASE RANDOMLY PICK UP MY COMMENT ????? I offered my niece your book for Xmas and she hasn’t even lent it to me yet !!!
    So I could tell her I don’t need hers anymore ‘cos I have a better one !!!!!
    I live in France but shipping for one book is no big deal, is it?

    thank you sooo much
    mimi

  694. I put my phone on vibrate and then leave it in the car. This got me a new phone because apparently my old phone wasn’t ringing which is why I could never hear it. My new phone seems to have the same problems, only I always turn the ringer down and then leave it in my car. Or that one time it ended up in the washing machine. I blame all those dirty texts….

  695. I’m a non phone answering wife also. It makes my Husband INSANE… It’s not like I’m meaning to ignore him though… I just have really wide hips and the sound of my ringer doesn’t seem to reach from my back pocket around The Hips and up to my ears… I’ve tried putting it on vibrate and that doesn’t seem to work either, I’m also going to blam that on The Hips… I think my phone needs a “tase” or a “stun” option…

  696. I can related to Victor on this one… 🙂 Congrats on your book – I definitely enjoyed it!

  697. Your book is one of two memoirs I’ve really enjoyed. The other is Lidia Yuknavitch’s A Chronology Of Water, which is a lot less slapstick. Both ripped me up and help me understand my famliy.

  698. Love your wit, you sarcastic biatch. You never fail to leave me laughing.

  699. I love your post but this was actually made me smile and laugh out loud. I been feeling down a lot lately so THANK YOU so much!!!

  700. Oh hades, I’m dying. Had to email the link to my mom, so she has ammunition for the next time my brother is pissed she didn’t pick up her phone. You’d think he’d learn by now.

  701. I know what you need!

    My boyfriend got me one for my birthday. It worked beautifully until I lodged my bleeding ears with q-tips.

  702. My grandmother, when she got older, used to call us to find out why we weren’t answering our phone. We’d ask, “but, before that. The first time you called, when we didn’t answer. Why did you call then?’ and she’d say “because you weren’t answering your phone. I was worried.” And we’d just go around and around.

  703. My Manx cat, Ashworth Merrydew von Funkenhausen (just call him Ash) had to have a large haematoma lanced on his right ear. He is wearing the cone of shame. I am considering artwork. Shall I send a picture of it?

  706. On a completely unrelated point …
    I think you should become the spoke’s woman for Depends. You make many of us pee our pants.

  707. Ha. My phone is normally in the drawer at home, and its the oldest “senior version” of a flip phone anyway. Now, why have you not found the story about the man KILLED by a beaver! You would so totally make that into something hilarious, and there I’d be, weasling off again. And you would feel better.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-22707094

  708. You are fucking awesome…what else needs to be said…well except my body has been taken over by aliens, my dog hates beer, and I date a vampiric cougar..otherwise…like I said..you are awesome!

  709. I love the fact that when I’m having a shitty day I can go to your website and you can make me laugh my ass off. At work. So everyone looks at me and wonders what the hell I’m laughing at. Which makes me laugh even harder. THANK YOU, JENNY! <3

    Oh, and I'd love a copy of your book — pick me!!

  710. I think I’m you in this conversation. I really don’t like talking on the phone. If you want to reach me it’s best to email, text second, call last. In fact my Dad now knows to just text me a message, usually plz call, and know I’ll call eventually. 🙂

  711. My brain is mush right now because I have a newborn and am getting no sleep. But if I won your book, I promise I’ll read it in 10 years when I get a little more sleep.

  712. These conversations are hilarious! I love the idea of police taking into the phone taped to my ankle. I’m going to find a way to make that happen.

  713. Thank you for pointers. I now have a better way to deal with my mom when she asks why i don’t answer my phone. Oh, and you rock. I hope things get better and that kittens don’t become extinct.

  714. I only have the Kindle version of your book – I *need* an autographed copy!!!!

  715. My phone manages to hang up instead of answering a good 95% of the time. At least I get to listen to “The Puppy Song” before it does so. The likelihood of my phone being an ass-hole goes up to 100% if I’m expecting an important call.

    Also, whenever I’m feeling down my friend cheers me up with a picture of a basket full of kittens, so kittens CANNOT go extinct.

  717. Faith, trust and pixie dust… and a bunch of happy thoughts.
    It will get better.

  718. I must admit that thanks to you I have failed at stealthy reading twitter and Internet on my phone while working. Which, I must admit, is probably a bad trait in a human resources person.

    But I know you’ll understand.

  719. I never comment on your blogs. I just read them and laugh and laugh and make sure my daughters read them too. Sorry. That was selfish of me. Can I have the free book, please?

  721. I’m a poor college student you wants to read your book but can’t buy it and its not at my public library, pick me!!!!

  722. Ha!! I had my husband read this because he wonders, sometimes. The answer I always give is: I was working very hard!!

  723. Just finished your book on Kindle but would love a signed hard copy anyway! In a way, you are the female version of my husband, and for that, I adore you. When I was reading the book he kept walking in on me giggling to myself as quietly as possible so as not to disturb my infant daughter while feeding her. I will now proceed to force it upon him and as many other people as I can possibly convince to read it. Thanks for keeping me laughing!

  724. I have your book in paperback and in hardcover, and I would still love a signed copy. $15 doesn’t make me laugh like you do.

  725. Must be one of those weeks for a lot of people, myself included. Your post made me smile so my week is a little less shitty. And I am stealing some of your not answering phone excuses.

  726. I hope you’re planning on leaving your brain to science. How do you think of these conversations? Every one of your answers was spot on perfect and it leaves me baffled that someone can actually think like that. It amazes me. Future worlds will benefit from your talent. Bravo!

  727. I think for answering your phone on the 40,007th try, you should get those ass barstools as a reward. Seems only fair.

  728. YAY! 3 months on the NYT best seller list. I haven’t bought your book. I want to, but it has been this thing out there, in the world, that I know I can always buy when I need to be cheered up. I’m sorry things are shitty. I still like you.

  729. I’m having a really shitty week, too. I’d love to have a little something to cheer me up. I’m sorry, but I can’t afford your book (or any book) right now, otherwise I’d buy it. I’ll try to pay it forward when I am on a little better footing, financially.

  730. I’m still hoping to win your book. I’m still broke, and want your book. I’d absolutely love a signed copy.

  731. You should both totally get the Stalker App called Find Friends so even when you don’t answer your phone, Victor can see via GPS that you are not in fact in an abandoned warehouse, or at the ER, or drifting out to sea somewhere. Or maybe you are, and at least he will know where to tell the police to find your body! I stalk my kids and husband with that App all day. They hate it but I love it!

    PS My writer-daughter and I met you in San Jose last month and the picture we took with you is now my screensaver! No surprise here that your book is still on the bestseller list – it’s probably because we can’t stop telling people how great it is 😀 Thanks for being so awesome! I already have two signed copies of your book, but I agree that Neil Gaiman is awesome and would totally take $15 to buy another of his books.

  734. I think as a reward for answering your phone on the 40,007th try, Victor should buy you those ass barstools. Seems only fair.

  735. I feel like my mom and I have this conversation every day…my mom is victor and I’m Jenny, except when I never pick up the phone I am threatened with having my phone taken away which totally defeats the purpose!

  737. Wow. Trying to decide who’s more awesome – you or Victor.
    No, wait—–IT’S BEYONCE!!!!!

  738. I really need to get my husband to read this post…so that he’ll feel better about the occasional lack of phone attention. 🙂 Hope things get better quickly!

    I’m probably one of the few people that reads your blog that hasn’t read this book yet.

  739. I have been in tears laughing along with you or ‘at’ you if that makes you more comfortable 😉 I’m on the proposal and bobcat urine section at the moment. You are amazing to have lived thru all this with a sense of humor intact. Your flavor of insanity hits the spot in my little world 😉 Thanks for sharing!

  740. So my partner tried to call me on my work phone which I couldn’t answer because I was on a conference call and the called my cell and when I finally answered she was calling to tell me she thought the house might be on fire. Did you call 911? No. Do you still smell smoke? No. Ok, well if you smell smoke again, call the fire department.

  741. I know right? Voicemail and texting were invented so we no longer have to actually answer the phone.

  742. That guy is awesome. I’m sending this page to my husband at work, where he will probably laugh hysterically then be completely dumb-founded when he realizes that this sounds EXACTLY LIKE US. So thanks for that. Thank you, also, for the incredible book. 🙂

  744. My depression’s being pretty weird at the moment, so thankyou for pulling me through, and giving me people to lean into the weird with.

  745. My husband reminds me very much of Victor. Except that English is his 4th language, so he rarely understands me, even when I’m not being witty and entertaining. He has no idea what he loses in tranlation.
    I’d love if you randomly picked me, but I WILL get to a bookstore eventually. I’m giving copies of your book to my much younger cousins, who are (I do hope) not reading this commentary.

  746. Nobody answers the phone when I call them. I used to think it was because they didn’t like me, but now I know that I’ve simply surrounded myself with Jennys. Here I am, actually named Jenny with all kinds of ID to prove it, and I’m the Victor.

  747. This is awesome, and I just shared it with two of my co-workers. You crack me up, and always provide me with a great mid-day pick me up. Thanks, Jenny!

  748. I drive my husband nuts with the phone because I’m selective about which calls I answer or not. That’s what caller id’s for, folks, and if mine won’t tell me who’s calling, I won’t pick up!

  749. This sounds like conversations with my spouse. Thanks for being awesomely funny.

  750. Awesome. I’m nearly as bad about answering my phone.
    I got lucky an ordered your book when it went on a one day sale for kindle. 🙂

  751. I never answer my phone either. Your book has been on my wish list for ages. A signed copy would be even sweeter. My birthday is Saturday. That is all.

  752. They can’t make orphans fire-proof because to do so they have to cover them in asbestos, which will give them cancer and no one wants to adopt cancer orphans.

  754. I’m okay with kittens becoming extinct by the end of the week. Then I won’t feel guilty anymore when I don’t pet them because it always looks like I’ve been crying for 10 days straight after I do.

  755. You know, it wouldn’t bother me that my husband never answers his phone if he were at least as entertaining as you when he finally does. MPH really needs to work on that. So this is really his fault… as usual.

  756. I always want to do something nice for you when you have a terrible week, just as though we were friends IRL. Please accept this imaginary bunch of tulips from me. Then go answer the phone. Victor needs to talk to you.

  757. I totally went up to a stranger in an airport and told her to make sure she had tissues when she read the first chapter of your book because she was going to laugh her ass off. I have never done that before, it felt awesome! Then when her boyfriend was in the seat next to me on the plane, I felt awkward.

  758. It makes me glad to know that someone else has conversations like this with their husband. My husband and I may have had a giant fight the week before we got married about an entire container of shredded cheese my husband dropped all over the floor after I told him not to touch the container. It. Was. Enlightening.

  759. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face! Love the book, have the Kindle version and would love an actual physical (signed) copy!

  760. Speaking of telephones, apparently the first thing ever said on the telephone was “Watson, come here. I want you.” It was Alexander Graham Bell speaking to his assistant, Thomas Watson. He probably picked up the phone on the first ring, but I’m sure the novelty of the whole process made it far more exciting for him. Possibly even more so considering the content of the call?

  761. Jenny, I love your blog , adored your book and I’m very sorry you are having such a stressful sad sucky week . I think you are better than chocolate and kittens ! *wishing good vibes at you*

  762. You kill me. Seriously. I have people looking at me strangely because I’m trying to contain my laughter while I sit in Starbucks by myself.

    Last night, I handed my copy of your book to my new flatmate to show why I had ceramic chickens on our balcony (neither are named Beyonce; they’re Roberta and Oops). He liked the chapter so much he bought the eBook version so he can read it during his commute. 😀

  763. I just want to say THANK YOU for reminding me (always right when I need it) that it is okay not to be okay all the time. I REALLY appreciate that! And also for making me laugh! I appreciate that as well!

  764. Ah, I read posts like this, Jenny, I just wanna pat Victor on the head and tell him it’s all right, you don’t have to do that steam whistle thing with your ears. It’s really only sexy on male rabbits in drag.

  765. Still hoping to win a copy to replace the one I accidentally left on an airplane. 🙂

  766. It’s hard to leave a comment when your phone’s taped to your ankle — I’m not that limber.

  767. Why does Victor call you so much anyway? That seems really needy. And, seriously, why doesn’t he just text you like a normal person?

  768. Thank you for your wacked out sense of humour! Spell Check does not like “wacked” nor the British spelling of “humour.” Seriously Spell Check, the Brits our only true friends Do you think you should insult them like that?

  769. Sorry to hear you’re having a bad week – mine was improved by the paperback copy of your book that my husband got me for my birthday. Cause he’s almost as awesome as Victor.

    Oh, and one of my dogs said he’d be glad to help your kitties go extinct by the end of the week. Or he’d be friends with them. Probably the latter.

  770. I’m totally guily of not answering the phone. The only reason I do it at work is because the phone blinks at me if I have a message. I’ve come to dread that blinky light.

  771. And I think for being a moron and posting the same comment within a span of 1 minute, I should totally get a book. Seems only fair.

  774. I think what would be totally awesome is if you and Neil Gaiman teamed up to write a book. OMG that would be amazing.

    Oh and this whole phone thing is reversed with my husband and I. He never answers and it’s annoying, but he’s safe from any wrath because he’s in Germany and I’m in NY.

  775. Last week, on the way to visit friends, we passed a gigantic metal chicken which had a “for sale” sign on it’s neck. Only the fact that our friends have an utter hatred of chickens made us fly on by without making a purchase. Come to think of it, that would have been an awfully good reason to buy the chicken. Hmm. Hope it’s still there next time. Until then, knock, knock.

  776. Horses are herbivores. You probably don’t have to worry about them eating your face. Velociraptors on the other hand…

  777. He totally just gave you a reason to not answer the phone on the first ring ever again. If you do then he forgets why he called, now how productive is that.

  778. You never cease to amaze me with your wit and overall bizarreness. Seriously where do come up with this stuff? I already have a copy of your book, but not a signed copy, which would be priceless. So although $15 would be nice, I’ll take the signed book. Thanks for picking me in advance. You’re the bestest.

  780. Face-eating-horses are not a laughing matter. Please be careful out there.

  781. I also never answer my phone, mainly because I never know where I left it. I am not attached to it as I see others. It is for my convenience and when I need it I will look for it.

  783. Wouldn’t it be more efficient to tape the phone to your arm? With non-latex adhesive tape of some kind, of course.

  785. So I read somewhere that Richard Branson has so much money and so little to do with it that he actually hires someone to scour the internet for everything that mentions his name every day, and then he reads all of it.
    What I mean by this is that Richard Branson has now read your blog (though he probably should have been if he didn’t already.)
    You’re welcome.
    Actually, he’s welcome.

  786. ???????????????????

    I can’ come up with anything witty and original. So I wrote something bland and not original in foreign language.

  787. Hooray for the book charts! But not for the ass-hatty weeks. Sorry to hear things’re low right now.

  788. If I get a book, I will make it its own little home, much like a tiny book apartment, out of reach of my little destroyer!

  789. I have the same ‘problem’ if you ask others that are trying to get ahold of me.
    I like to think of it as saving my energy for the really important things like reading blogs.

  790. Now I can’t stop thinking about what my code would be if I was ever kidnapped. Lack of booze would certainly be a red flag. Must think about this further

  791. It’s possible that I may have to print this out and put it on the fridge. Saving orphans – didn’t think of that one now did you honey!

    Yes book?!

  793. oooh the odds must be in my favor, because I am at the end of a very long list of comments.
    Jenny… your book is funny. And I think it’s great that so many people want to have a signed copy. It’s just… well, it’s cool.

  794. I was thinking about you today, because I saw a picture of a taxidermied fox sitting on a chair.

    I follow a facebook page dedicated to sharing pictures of badly taxidermied foxes. It’s awesome – but also in Danish.

    xx

  795. Sorry to hear that you had a shitty week. Can relate to that & you’ve got my compassion. But you’ve got Victor! And Hailey! And dead animals as well as live kittens. So… in my book that makes you a very lucky person!
    Congratz on the NYT bestseller list three-month anniversary! It’s totally justified!!!

  797. if kittens become extinct because of you, i will personally buy a horse and give it rabies and hide it in your closet. thanks.

  799. love the post. i can totally relate, and now i wish i was creative enough to answer the phone like that!

  801. I figure it’s up to me whether I answer my phone. If I don’t, I have voicemail. But Victor is understanding and patient. So maybe he has his reasons. Whatever they are.

  802. My mom complains because I don’t answer the phone a lot and I point out that I have children and a life and it’s not like I’m sitting by the phone anxiously awaiting her possible calls. Sometimes I’m up to my elbows in baby poop or feeding my toddler or something. Then there’s the times I just ignore the phone cause it’s on the other side of the room and I’m too tired to get up.

  803. Are you freaking kidding me this is too funny. I have this conversation all the time, but the roles are so totally reversed. LOL. I had to laugh at this, but I have to say that when my hubby does it to me, it drives me nuts. Thanks for sharing Jenny. And I love the fact that your book has been on the best seller list for three months that rocks. =D

  805. I’m allergic to latex too! What a pain in the ass. I feel like the most evil aunt in the world cause of the no balloons thing. On another note, my bf doesn’t have a cell phone, and I don’t have a landline at my house. When he’s there, we can’t call each other. Occasionally this is a pain. Mostly it’s awesome. (Me working late due to a leisurely lunch) “You are home so late! I thought you would be home earlier!” “Huh, I must have missed your call. Sorry!” *dark look* ha ha! Ah well.

    Oh! I got your book on the audiobook, it’s fantastic! I do wish there was a page on your site with all the photos referenced. That’d be cool. 🙂

  806. Ooooo, this whole conversation is the exact same thing I go through with my boyfriend. He never answers his damn phone, half the time he leaves it at home or in the car. Drives me nuts (pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel attached to his belt. The bartender asks him what the wheel is for and he replies “aaaarrrrggghh, it’s drivin’ me nuts” sorry I couldn’t resist)

    Anyway, that’s a long way of saying, I would love a copy of your book…technically I already have a copy but it’s the hard cover copy, so if I could win a paperback version with the new and exciting chapter, it would make me very happy.

  807. That’s hilarious! I know you can’t read everything, but I sent you a message on FB because I saw something funny that I (Think I) know you’ll love. Check it out when you get the chance!!! <3 and <4 🙂

  808. I need this book, Jenny. Seriously. I have it on my e-reader, but I miss the feel of actual “book-ness” in my hands when I read it. And I do read it. Frequently. It makes me laugh when I feel like shit, which happens way too often lately. Depression may lie, but that bastard is one convincing liar. 🙁

  809. I am commenting so that kittens don’t go extinct. That would be just too shitty for a girl to bear…

  811. What’s that thing in transformers the first movie that made the toaster come alive…. well yeah that thing made your phone come alive and start attacking others therefore preventing u from answering it when it rang 40,000 times
    …I don’t know what I’m saying nevermind.
    LOVE your book!

  812. You are fabulous, and so is your book! I forced my friends to listen to the audiobook version on the way home from a conference and now they love you as much as I do.

  813. How about texting? I have a peep that doesn’t answer her cell, but will respond to her texts. Never quite got that since it is on the same phone…

  814. You can never run out of smiles, so use them lots! Have a better day/week!!

  815. I’m sorry to hear about your shitty week. But I’m glad you can mine such hilarity even in the midst of crap.

  816. Neil is pretty damn awesome but I would love your book.

    Sidenote: I’ve had this conversation with all my friends.

  817. I borrowed your book from a friend and had to give it back. Would love to own the book in order to read it over and over again!

  818. So very sorry you’re having a craptastic week. Same here. Mine’s more trying to deal with a newborn and hormones and bored kids home for the summer all at once. It’s not fun. I hope you feel better soon.

  819. I’ve run out of friends to whom I need to forward your postings because as a result of what I’ve been doing, they have all subscribed themselves 🙂 My work here might be done.

  820. You are a best seller because you are fucking awesome and weird and all the things that make monkeys ride on giraffe backs.

  821. Our house is getting bulldozed by the Department of Transportation… which might be something that comes in as better than having your face eaten off by horses by possibly worse than kitten extinction, either way I wouldn’t recommend it!

  822. I bought your book at an airport in Germany (so weird) and just LOVED it and so glad to have found your blog. Would love an autographed copy (to replace my ghetto German version). I bought it IN germany, it’s not IN German – it’s in English actually -or else I couldn’t have read it.

  823. Laughing my butt off reading your blog!!!! Just the thing this high school teacher needs to end the year!!!!

  824. I don’t answer the phone either… mostly because I work in a call center all day and I don’t want to work when I get home, so I ignore my phone as much as possible… If I had your book I would have a better excuse to not answer the phone

  825. Today a customer asked me “Why are you always so happy on the phone?”
    Uhhh… because my natural tone of condescending sarcasm is frowned upon in the workplace?

  827. I read your blog posts and hear your voice (since I listened to you narrate your audiobook). Makes your posts even funnier! Sorry you had a crappy week. May kittens continue for another century at least.

  828. I snickered through the whole post Jenny lol! I am sending this to MY husband who feels the same way Victor does. I too never answer that stupid phone. Well, sometimes, when I’m awake .. and it’s not too far to walk. 😀

  829. I’m often guilty of this, but I work at a zoo. My excuses usually tend towards “I was feeding the bats!” or something. He has a hard time arguing with that one. I use this to my advantage, and my animal stories can get out of control sometimes “I was being attacked by monkeys!” I’m not sure why he’s starting not to believe me.

  831. I totally love your blog and can’t wait to see what your next post will be! ALSO, love your mouse! My obsession in life is to get as many people as I can to read your blog! It all began with Beyonce, the giant metal chicken, so please thank Victor for me!

  832. What a coinkindink!! I’m allergic to the latex used to make tape too!! I have your book and have been sharing its loveliness with my friends!! I must say that I have cried….down my leg….more than once. You’re a bright spot in MY day anyway.

  833. Horses won’t eat your face off… they’re vegetarians. Don’t pick on horses. They’re nicer than many people. At least most of them are.

  834. I just read my second Neil Gaiman book and WOW! Apparently I was holding up the line because the librarian was Like, Dude, I’m supposed to read that book. The other librarian has and now I HAVE to. Why haven’t I read that book yet?

  835. Last week I had never heard of you. Last weekend I saw a picture of your dedication to the rowdy-hating man in K-mart and I knew I had to know more. Tuesday I checked out your book from the library. Wednesday I read it. The following two events also happened on Wednesday:

    I pulled a friend away from the celebration of his new job offer in order to show him the section of your book about e-mail communication which I insisted was a perfect match to his views on the subject. He read it and agreed, then reminded me that his cat of seventeen years had just died two weeks ago and that as the vet took her from his arms two copies of the Rainbow Bridge were thrust in his hand as if in exchange. As others had provided my friend with pizza, cheesy sticks, and video games to celebrate his new job, it was only because of your book that I was able to give him something that no one else thought to bring. I consider that gift to be “the gift of perspective”, he called it “the gift of fun-extinguishing”. I plan on sending him an e-mail to debate the matter.

    Later that day, I went out with my grandmother for dinner. The trick to eating with my grandmother is to never stop talking, otherwise you will soon be held accountable for your every character flaw, questionable life decision, and the fact you commit the unforgivable sin of liking honey on your French fries. As our dinner plans had been spur of the moment, I hadn’t had a chance to prepare topics I could talk non-stop about, so by the time our dinners had arrived, I was beginning to falter. Fortunately, I had just read your amazing book and so I decided to share with my grandmother the story from it I felt was both the funniest and the easiest to recount: Stanley the Magical Talking Squirrel. Just as I wrapped up your niece and father’s raccoon adventure, the waitress came by to take our dessert orders. For once, my grandmother declined dessert and decided it was time for her to head home. Although I can’t imagine what could have possibly put my grandmother off her appetite, I’d like to believe she left because she didn’t have anything to share that could have topped the story from your book. Thank you for that.

    So now it’s Thursday and I just want to say that I am really glad I heard of you and that I read your book. Although I had to borrow it from the library, I have added your name to my list of authors whose books I must buy whenever I find them at the thrift store or library book sale (as these are the only places where I can afford to buy books right now). Neil Gaiman is on my list too and I’ve been able to pick up quite a few of his titles this way. I haven’t found Sandman yet but I dare to keep dreaming.

    On a final note, I’d like to offer you two pieces of advice. First, keep in mind that horses hate the taste of pepper jack, so a nice mask of pepper jack should both protect you from face-eating horses as well as serve as a great conversational piece at cheese and wine tastings. Second, should kittens go extinct you should consider getting an indoor rabbit. As the accidental owner of a small indoor rabbit army, I feel qualified to share that not only can bunnies be playful as a kitten, but, when stacked upon one’s head, the rabbit-wearer automatically gains a little Playboy bunny sex appeal. Just be careful when eating food off the floor, as I can promise you those are not Cocoa Puffs.

    If you’d like, you can also ignore everything I’ve written above. Just know that you had me at velociraptor.

  836. Kittens should live. Also, I need someone, maybe someone doctorish but I can’t find one I’m comfortable with poking around my posterior, to poke around my posterior and tell me whether I should have my hemorrhoids surgically removed or just buy stock in Preparation H cooling gel and steal a few sitz baths from the maternity wards of random hospitals. Also, Epsom Salts. I wonder if I could steal those from CVS because I’m broke. That damn security guard in the CVS near my house is straight hood, though, always with his hand on his gun like bitch I’ma see you if you cuff those Skittles.

  838. The Husband really does not have Victor’s sense of humor about things like this. I’d end up getting lectured over some of the come backs you gave. Plus he knows I’m not allergic to duct tape.

  839. at work, it’s storming like a bitch outside, all i can think about is how i dont want to go home….home is sometimes more stressful than being at work. can i send my kids to your house for the night???? Pretty please with a taxidermied animal on top?

  840. “You can’t begrudge me a few extra hours of blissful ignorance. Why are you in such a hurry to make me grieve for you? It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.”

    That made me laugh so hard. I feel like I should take out your book and hug it. And then read it again. You are awesome.

  841. Its the opposite here, my husband will answer the phone and whisper to me, “I can’t talk right now”….WTF! Then don’t answer the phone ! Its drives me insane.

  842. I already have your book, so give it to someone else because I also already have all of Neil Gaiman’s books which are pretty damn fantastic. I am just here to point out that Neil’s special lady friend is foxy.

  843. Seriously, you are the best thing I read all day. Granted, I read a lot of really crappy stuff all day, but I’d still choose to read you over really good options of reading, too.
    Hilarious. Thank you for my ab workouts from laughing so hard.

  845. I’m so sorry you’re having a shitty week. I’ve been having a shitty month, but reading your blog every day makes everything a little better. Thanks.

  846. This post was completely amazing and I hope your week starts turning around!

  847. I have these conversations all the damn time!! Always the “what if I was dead”… well, that would be awkward if you were still calling me from beyond. Worse, if you left me a voicemail, that I would never check.

  848. I hear ya. I’ve been down this week too and weather.com is partly to blame. I opened up their page yesterday and there wasn’t one positive story. What happened to fluffy filler stories about happy summer activities and garden tips and stuff?

  849. I cannot believe how freaking awesome and hilarious you are and how I JUST discovered you! And how you will probably never see this being I’m the 787 comment. But I know it is here and I cannot wait to get your book!!

  850. Just found your blog today…read about the big metal chicken. Loved it! Great stuff!

  851. So a friend said that it would be fun to take over an open mic night at a comedy venue for her birthday, and do bad comedy. And I tried to picture myself on stage doing bad comedy, and the image that I got was of me opening my mouth to say something and vomiting. And it occurred to me that the schadenfreude in that would be funny, in a horrific kind of way, but probably not what my friend meant by “Bad Comedy.” So I giggled at the mental image and then backed away slowly from the whole plan.

    PS. I hope this not really funny story made you smile at least, because you and the Amanda Palmer song you linked have made me smile during some really shitty days, and I’d love to be able to return the favor. *hugs-in-the-internet-friendly-non-personal-space-invading-kind-of-way*

  852. It would be awesome to get the copy of your book. I have my sister’s copy and I just never get to the postoffice to send it back. So if I got it, I would have it sent to her cause it would save me a trip and it would come directly from you making me the awesomest little sister.

  853. I’m actually not commenting to win, because I already have the book (although the $15 to feed my Neil Gaiman habit would be pretty fucking awesome), I wanted to comment because I’m glad I’m not the only one that has these types of conversations with my husband regarding the answering of the phone. And also because I’ve had a shitty week too, and I wanted to commiserate. Here’s to tomorrow being Friday and we can start over.

  855. “Or, if you already have my book I’ll just give you the $15 and you can buy something by Neil Gaiman. That guy’s amazing.”
    This is why you are awesome. It’d be really cool if Neil Gaiman handed out $15 to people who have his books so they could go get your book too. It’d be even better than the twine thing.

  857. This post got me through the worst of day (ok, it is early yet but I’m hoping this day can’t get any worse and if it does, I’ll just re-read this). Thank you.

  858. I don’t know if one of my Lawsbian crew has told you this yet, but we’ve started our own little Lawsbian Manual to the Game of Life. Let me share the first five rules with you.
    Rule one: Normality is a myth created by boring people. Be interesting.

    Rule two: Have epic sex. If epic sex is nowhere to be had then good sex is a solid substitute.

    Rule three: Be safe.

    Rule four: Listen to your friends when they tell you you’re awesome. And if they tell you to stop being a bitch one of you probably needs some chocolate, so you both should get some.

    Rule five: Eat as much chocolate as necessary. Or drink as much booze. Or glitter as many crafts.

  860. I love your book and your blog. Thank you sooooo much. I’d be interested if you did a survey of the ages of people who read your blog regularly. I’m 59 (female). Am I the only old fart with a sense of humor?

  861. I keep borrowing your book from the library. It was over-due so I went to the library, paid the fine and checked the book out again because I was too busy with work to read it. The two weeks went by and I got a phone call from the library. Still too busy with work and I was only past the first chapter and it was overdue again. Paid fine, re-checked out book. Third phone call from library. Hubby picked up phone and tells me “It’s the library… your book is overdue… again”. Moral to this story (and yours) Husbands just need to stay away from phones.

  863. I never answer the phone either. I actually took it a step further and refused to set up my voicemail. It was awesome, then I had a kid and was told I was being irresponsible… boooo. I love your book – it cost me many library fines – all worth it!

  864. I already have two copies of your book, because I bought one on Kindle, then forgot to download it, so then I bought a paper copy. It was awesome in both formats and yes, Neil Gaiman’s also awesome, but since I also have all his stuff, if I win can I just have a t-shirt?

  865. Sorry to hear that you’re having a bad week. We all have them from time to time. I love your blog! I swear my boyfriend and I have had the same conversation you and Victor had about answering the phone. Except I always seem to be in the bathroom when he calls me, and I don’t take my phone with me when I’m in there.

  866. Dear Mighty and Magnificent Bloggess,

    Please pick me (me! me! me!) to give your book to. I’ll tell you why you should…

    Because I can’t afford to buy your book myself, because I spent all my money on flame-retardant suits for orphans.

    And because your Beyonce article inspired me to build a life-sized replica of gila monster and leave it our bathtub right as my husband was getting ready to take a shower.

    And because I named my gila monster “Jenny Lawless.”

    And because I am the *most random* person who ever lived. Like if you reach into a giant bag of differently numbered ping balls and pull one out without looking, you’ll look down at your hand and be holding me.

    And because I need a new book to hold open with my phone inside so that my kids will think I’m reading.

    Just kidding! I really want to read your book. And you should obviously pick me to give one too.

    lots of love,
    some totally RANDOM chick on the internet

  867. I announce to everyone at work whenever you’ve made a new post. Not to suck up, but more to mention that the office gets really quiet. And that you’re awesome.
    A coworker saw your book reading in the Marina in SF, I didn’t go and was really bummed. Then she showed me a picture of you two together and now we’re not speaking. Well, we are but I’d really like to get a signed copy too.

  868. Here is my comment about anything which is really about nothing.

    I hate my new medication I am on. I hate that I am not further along in my goals then I want to be. I hate that I don’t even own a phone to not answer and if I did, I wouldn’t have anyone to call me anyway. I hate that it is hard to leave my apartment only once per day to take my dog outside. Like it’s my one effing job to do and I manage to eff that up. I hate that I want to quit all the time. I hate that Jenny said “Don’t Leave” and it’s stuck on a loop and keeps me from quitting. And I hate that all of this hate swirls around in my brain and doesn’t ever stand a chance to ease up unless I find a way to open my mouth and say it out loud which makes me feel small and stupid.

    But it’s hot outside and I am inside where it’s cold. I don’t hate that. So that is something.

  870. Oh my word you DO make me laugh… and every time I need an extra pick me up I still go back and read about the giant chickens…keep it coming!

  872. Thank you for putting the effort in. I know that some days are harder than others, and I wanted to say that I’ve been reading for, like, ages, and if it’s not creepy for a total stranger to say, “Hey, I care about you,” this is me saying it. I wish you well in all of your endeavors, love reading your work, and would love to read the book. Which I haven’t done yet. But I want to. Someday!

  873. Congrats! Today is my 40-something birthday. Really. And it reminds me that I don’t really care for them anymore. At all. Really.

  874. I love you & your writing more than watching seven dozen unicorns juggle kittens while doing a nicely choreographed tango. And that’s saying something.

  875. Ha – my sister is YOU 🙂 She never answers her phone, nor does she listen to her messages… fustrates me beyond belief and once I was a very very mean older sister and left a fake message about someone dying and then when she didn’t call 2 days later left another saying we missed her at the funeral… when she finally answered her messages she was not amused but i felt vindicated LOL Hope your week is getting better!

  876. My wife doesn’t answer her cell phone either. That doesn’t really bother me. What bothers me is that her mother and friends call me wanting to know why she doesn’t answer the phone.

    I particularly enjoyed ” WHAT IF I WAS DEAD?” Reminded me when I was “yelled” at years and years ago to approve a STAT exam to show that a patient had died. I asked if it could wait 4 hours.
    NO!
    Me: Why? Are you telling me he won’t be dead in the morning?

  877. I don’t have a phone, but if I did, I would never answer it. And my mother would probably call the police if it rang more than four times. Or perhaps call a helicopter rental company to look for me. She’s paranoid. 😀

  878. Fucking hilarious. Reading this is worth everyone staring at me in Starbucks from laughing.

    Congrats on being on the bestseller list!!!

  879. I was kind of having a bad day and then read today’s post and it totally made me smile – thanks!

  880. I’m Victor. It’s official…except I don’t get tested when I finally get my SO on the phone. I get…”*mumble mumble* when I get home.”

  881. All I can say is that I was having a moderately shitty week as well, UNTIL I SAW THIS POST. All better now.

    Also? I never answer my phone either. Hating phone calls is why answering machines were created, and I love technology too much not to use them. Take that, Victors of the world.

  882. You make me laugh everytime I read your blog! Hope you’re better soon!

  883. I love your writing, Jenny, it really speaks to me. Thanks for the laughs. I hope your week gets better.

  884. You’re the fifth reason I wake up everyday – thanks for that!

  886. I’m reading “The Gravity of Birds” by Tracy Guzeman and I like it so far even though I have only read two chapters. But that isn’t my fault. Everytime I open the book someone wants to talk to me, usually about what book I’m reading and I have to explain that I am only up to chapter 2 because someone always wants to talk to me. Then they laugh and ask me if I watched the Yankee game. Which is about the point where I bang my head on the table which means that reading is about out of the question until I recover. Anyway, it is a good book so far but it isn’t anything like your book or what I imagine your book would be like because I haven’t actually read your book yet because I am still reading “The Gravity of Birds”. Does any of this make sense?

  887. I am going to try the hostage role next time I fail to answer on the first call.

  888. I’d like to formally request a totally nerd-tastic post on your thoughts about the season finale of Doctor Who.

  889. I wish I was clever enough to come up with these responses. I was snapped at this morning for not answering my phone (which was in the car, in the garage with the ringer off – where it should be).

  890. “Victor: Seriously, why can’t you just answer your phone?

    me: Why is the sky blue? Why can’t they just make orphans fire-proof? Frankly, we could ask these questions all day, but the main point is that your wife is a hero and you should probably bring her some egg rolls on your way home because I bet she’d like that.”

    This was my favorite part. It’s going on my ‘Top 10 List of Things on the Internet That Actually Made Me Laugh Out Loud’.

    P.S. I would LOVE a signed copy of your book. But if you want to give me $15, that’s cool too. I’m missing The Graveyard Book from my Neil Gaiman collection.

  891. My daughter knows how much I love you so she gave me your book for Mother’s Day after waiting a really long time in line to have you sign it… and I loved it so much I took it to my mamogram (because I knew I would need a serious distraction) and I left it on the toilet roll dispenser in the bathroom because you made the cover EXACTLY the same color as the dispenser – so since it is technically your fault that I lost my book, I would really, really like another copy. I promise NOT to take it into public restrooms, in fact, I’m not taking any books into restrooms – regardless of their jacket color.
    ps. You are BRILLIANT !

  892. Man, I hope the horses stay away from your face and that kittens stay safe. I hate talking on the phone. Hate it. I can do it at the office and sound like a normal human, but to just chit-chat on the phone makes me want to hide somewhere. I hope your week gets better. *hugs*

  893. I’ve been in Israel for nine months. In five days I get to go home. The best part about going home? GOOD SUSHI
    (and understanding the language)

  894. Pick me!!!!!!!
    I already have your book, but an autographed copy would complete my collection. :^D

  897. PS to ppg. Hang in there. Jenny is right, you know she is. Don’t leave. Your dog needs you and you have cool air inside. Those are enough wins for the day.

  898. my husband never answers the phone.I always ask him what if the kids were in the hospital or dying or something and he just laughed at me. However, whenever my dad calls I have no batteries in my phone so he’s convinced I just use all my batteries playing Angry Birds so that he can’t call me.

  899. I already have a copy of your book, which I adore and I will not loan out…nope…won’t do it! I would love a signed copy…then maybe…just maybe..I would allow the other book out of the house!

  900. ME! ME! Please!!!! I can’t afford to buy any books. And although I could go get it from the library (and deprive you of money that you wouldn’t get if you gave me a free book anyway), I usually forget to browse for books for myself when we go every week in an effort to get my 10 month old boy excited about checking out his four weekly board books. Mostly he just wants to go to the older kids section and pull all the books off the shelves. Anyway, that’s my case.

  901. ”The 40,006th time:

    Victor: WHAT IF I WAS DEAD? WHAT IF THIS WAS THE POLICE CALLING TO TELL YOU I JUST DIED?

    me: Well, that would be very depressing.

    Victor: Yes, but you’d never know because you never answer your phone.

    me: You can’t begrudge me a few extra hours of blissful ignorance. Why are you in such a hurry to make me grieve for you? It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.”

    Seriously, I’m dying reading this at work! Everyone should be so lucky as to have your great sense of humor and amazingly understanding husband! A marriage made in humor (even if it’s mainly one sided) is a marriage bound to last!

  903. Tell him you watched Dial M for Murder. ?? You make me laugh, thank goodness for you.

  905. I am pretty sure I should receive the book because I have loaned out my copy and have never gotten it back. Now the only way to replace it would be to have a signed copy on my shelf. Pretty please!?

  906. Hope the next few days are better. Bad days seem to be going around. Today the steam wand blew off the espresso machine at my work, spraying me directly in the chest with milk and hot steam. On the plus side I internalized all the cursing, and so I didn’t teach and new words to the dozen kids there for storytime. I could use a *better* plus side to the day, but at least that’s something.

  907. Have your book but am having an equally shitty wee and think I need some autographed laughs 🙂

  908. My toddler is FINALLY back to enjoying independent play – so I have breezed through 2 and a half books in one week. I would be SOOO excited to add your book to the list!

  909. My daughter kept complaining that we never answer our phones. She gave that phone to me and I found out she had all our numbers wrong.

  910. yep. shitty week. cuz my office kitties ARE extinct now 🙁 and it really sucks.

  911. I constantly think my husband’s been kidnapped and tied up because he’ll call and I’ll just hear muffled noises and then I ask him why he called and he’ll be totally confused and it will turn out he pocket dialed me. Which doesn’t even make sense because his phone is always locked and has to be flipped open to be unlocked/used to dial. It’s like he has a tiny gnome in his pocket who likes to call me when he’s bored just to hear me go “hello? helloooo? babe?!”

  912. My anxiety levels are through the roof right now (I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for over a year and this is my first comment) but I would really, really love a signed copy of your fantastic book!

  913. I hope your week gets better.

    When I ignore my phone, my husband just calls my work phone, which I feel obligated to answer. However, when I get really irritated with him, I ignore that one too. That’s why there are texts and voice mail, after all…

  914. You do realize that every man in America wishes he was Victor, right?

  915. Sending love and healing thoughts your way. I hope your week gets better, kittens don’t become extinct and carnivorous horses stay far, far away. You warm the hearts of all of us-your loving audience-and I’m sure I can speak for all of us when I say that we wish you a world filled with wonder, happiness and hope.

    All the Best,
    N

  916. I adore your blog and have a friend that could use a good laugh. I’ll pass along the book to her!

  917. OK, I’ll leave a comment but don’t expect much. I just left a comment on another blog that sort of turned into a “Columbo” script, so I’m kinda commented out. OK, it was more like a script treatment than an actual script but did have to do a rewrite when WordPress ate the first one, so I think I’m justified in exaggerating a bit.

  919. I love Neil Gaiman too.

    I also never answer my phone and don’t apologize for it. I carry the fucking thing voluntarily and I’ll do whatever the fuck I want with it.

    Ahem.

    I mean, sorry I missed you.

  920. Ok so a couple of things… Love you, love your bloggess’ness, love everything about you (in a non-stalker way).
    Two: Tears streaming down my face reading this & usually most of your posts because I’m laughing so hard. I’ve had your book for over a year and haven’t gotten past the second chapter because my eyes fill with tears of laughter and I can’t catch my breath so I have to put it down… not because I want to but more because I have plans for the next day so can’t die laughing (otherwise I would totally woman up and take one for the team).
    C: I totally had a random thought of wanting to use Juanita Weasel on a tee shirt with (AHHHHHH) on top and then the words “how my heart reacts anytime someone say’s “fro-yo” for frozen yogurt or “throw-back” instead of just saying oldies.
    & finally did I mention you bring tears to my eyes but in the best way possible. Keep on being you because if you don’t then who would?

  921. I love this post so much, I’ve now read it aloud to three people. I can’t get through it without giggling profusely, but still.

  922. So I saw this picture on the Internet of a taxidermist who posed a coyote on the tailgate of his truck, like it was hanging on for dear life (like the dog from National Lampoon’s, except without the leash) to freak people out as he drove around. I then heard he was from Texas and my first thought was, “I bet he knows The Bloggess”. It was pretty awesome.

  923. I swear, I think my husband and I have had these same conversations – only it’s him who never answers.

  924. One day, I went for a brow wax. As I sat in the chair, eyes closed, waiting for the pain to start, I felt a gentle stroking of my ear lobes. I peeked with one eye at the lovely Asian woman. She said, “You have ears like Buddha. Is good luck.” I never found out if it was good luck for her or me. I did learn that day that I have Buddha-lobes. I guess that’s a win? (you DID say comment about anything…)

  926. Victor sounds like me, except I *always* come up with a crazy scenario for the reason I was calling. Kudos to him for saving death for last.

  927. I gave my daughter-in-law my copy of your book, because, well, quite frankly, she could be your clone. I think it kinda weirded her out. She loved the book, but now I don’t have one of my own. Please pick me for a signed copy? And, thanks for being you. And for sharing you with the rest of us mortals.

  929. I’ve been trying to think of something witty to write, but I feel like you need a reminder that depression is a lying bastard. And kittens will not be going extinct this week and I think your face is safe from being eaten. Hope your week gets better!

    Oh, and I’d love an autograph copy of your book 🙂

  931. I’m the same with my sister. She’s always on my back about why I never answer my phone and I’m all duuuuuude I never answer, so why is it always a surprise when I don’t pick up? Then one time I did answer, on like the first ring and everything, and she made me go look up surinam toads. Which, by the way, you should never ever ever do.

    So now I’m back to screening her calls. With a vengeance.

  932. I think you’re a spectacularly funny woman. When they give ‘cloning’ the okay, maybe I could order one of you?

  934. I hate answering my phone. It’s always either a robocall or someone pissed at me for not answering the phone previously because my ringer is always off and my butt no longer notices when it’s vibrating.

  935. I throw away yellow skittles. My husband never answers his phone either.

  936. Neil Gaiman is pretty great. Terry Pratchett is better. I have no idea how you compare, I can give you an update after you send me a copy of your book.

  937. My niece, Abby, met you at the Kentucky book signing and she got you to autograph something. Actually she said that you just wrote my name (Karla) and then she lost it. So technically, I need your autograph since my niece failed so miserably. And, I introduced her to your site/book. I know you’re choosing folks at random but I’d love to have a hard copy of your book that’s been signed. I just have the Kindle version and I bought my niece the hard back.

    You rock and I hope your week gets better!
    Karla

  938. OMG, I have not laughed that hard in months. Thank you so much. Totally love your blog & your book!!!

  941. I think Victor and Grumpasaur are related – I have this exact conversation with him DAILY. AND, I too am allergic to latex. As in, you’d better bypass the ambu bag and go straight to intubation cause this chick ain’t gonna have an airway in 3 seconds.

    Fun times.

  942. Today, my best friends husband sent me a text to invite me her birthday party this Saturday-yes, that’s two days’ notice. Anyway, he told me it was o their deck so I’m all like, is it black tie? And he’s all what do you mean? And completely sucked the humor out of my joke.

  943. This post made me giggle silently for a good 5 minutes at work today. So much better than yelling at people or crying. Thanks for making my afternoon a bit better!

  944. Congrats on the En-Why-Tee list, too. Pretty damn awesome — that’s the dream of the 3 million books that were published in 2012 alone. I mean, if books could dream.

  945. Victor sounds like my husband. Phones are evil and I hate them, never seems to work. I don’t understand why we can’t operate in a world with just texting. Isn’t that enough? And we’re married. There is no reason we need to have additional phone conversations during the day. I feel like that’s too much talking. Hope you feel better soon.

  946. I think you and my husband share the same brain, in regards to cell phones.

  947. One day I am going to choke while I’m laughing because of one of your blog entries. 😀
    (not that choking makes me smile or anything, I’m just trying to convey that although choking and subsequently dying would suck ass, but there’s no hard feelings because seriously, who does that? it’s like choking on a pretzel)

  948. Your blog has helped me get through some rough days and I wish there was a way for me to reciprocate. All that I know I can do is to tell you I hope you week gets better, and there are only two days left in the week.

  949. my phone is there for my convenience. sometimes, i’ll go for days without turning on the ringer. it’s fine, though. it gives folks something to worry about…and some folks need that.

  950. I thought only unicorns ate rainbows. The gal who said that horses do might be mistaken. I’d keep your guard up.
    And also, that is wonderful news. 🙂 Congrats! I hope this is a turning point in your shitty week! <3

  951. You’ve got this because you’re Superwoman in curlers. I, on the other hand, am Migraine Girl in sunglasses while in bed. :/

  953. My husband is trying to work next to me and I’m giggling like a small child reading this… and he seems very angry…

  954. Well, I seriously doubt that I’ll be picked to win since mine is something like the 1,000th comment and you probably quit reading them long ago. I actually have your book on my Kindle where it will remain, always. But, just in case you’re still reading, I would love, love, love to have a signed copy of your book! You are the most awesome author, EVAH!!!

  956. You’re always able to make me laugh. Which is good. Plus, while I struggle with side effects (and just acceptance) of being put on Paxil, I know that I’m not alone and there are others out there who struggle each day. Thank you.

  957. You know, I think Victor should appreciate your consistency. At least you are predictable in your non-answeringness. I bet he can’t say the same for many things.

  958. I really need that “blue canary by the lightswitch” nightlight…I really, really, do.

  959. Hopefully your week will get better. My friend was having a bad week. I made her listen to me read a few of your posts. Victor’s response to the horse bar stools had us laughing out loud.

  961. i accidentally leave my phone at home once every few months. my husband always freaks and says when phone implants come out, i’m getting the first one. i think he’s overreacting. my tours aren’t that long.

  963. Haha! I’m also in the “gets yelled at a lot” group. Phones are just mysterious creatures that are heard only when they want to be heard.

  964. Loved this post. I never answer my phone either. My husband then starts texting me about how worried he is followed by several, “Hello??” texts and “Are you okay??” texts. The madder he gets the more question marks he adds.
    hee hee

  966. My boyfriend yells at me ALL the time for not answering my phone! I’m going to try some of these lines next time..

    I absolutely love your blog, and your book! I literally laugh out loud at my desk reading it. My coworkers think (know?) I’m insane. 🙂

  967. I literally laughed out loud at this post, though that’s really not that uncommon when I’m reading your site.

    Sorry your week has been so terrible, but congratulations on the good news about your book. You seriously deserve it!!

  968. Congrats on the Book!! It was totally awesome I read it literally in 2 days! Never put it down! Kinda figured your week was shitty, mine too!!! I do hope that kittens don’t expire on Saturday, I love them too much! As for the conversation with Victor?? Does he know my husband?? Seriously You are both made for each other.. I do the same stuff to my husband!!! One time when we had he phones with the 2way thingy, I came over loud and clear… I’M NAKED AND IN OUR BEDROOM WANNA JOIN ME?? Only to find out he was in his bosses office in a meeting with all the managers!!!!! VICTOR SHOULD SO TOTALLY GET ONE OF THOSE STOOLS, JUST BECAUSE!!!!!

  969. Gaiman is wonderful. Your book is great, too Which is why I’d love a shot at the version with the extra chapter, I can feel its absence in my life…

  970. I bought an audio version of your book which was fabulous. If you don’t send me an autographed copy, maybe I’ll just listen to it again and type it while I’m listening, then I can print it out so I’ll have a hard copy.

  971. My husband doesn’t even have a cell phone, and he rarely picks up on mental telepathy either. But the thing is, sometimes he DOES and then I’m so impressed I forget why I was calling. I’m a long-time lurker on your blog and would love to read your book 🙂

  972. I can guarantee you that kittens are not going to be extinct this week. Every fucking female cat we feed out here in the sticks has either already had her kittens or will in the next 3 weeks. Yes, I know Bob Barker would not approve but we live on farm land and I’m one cat away from the crazy cat lady. Anyway kittens are not extinct. They are all here in rural NC.

    Also so glad to know I am not the only one who doesn’t answer their phone. Just because it rings doesn’t mean I have to take action.

  973. Just wanted to say thank you for sharing.

    You make me think and you make me laugh – life is more complete.

    Hope things are getting better for you.

  974. you are a beacon of sunshine. i look forward to reading your blogs everyday.
    i already have your book and don’t really need anything by neil geiman. but to have a signed copy would be the best… i could sell my first copy and give the money i make to a fire-proof orphanage. (see how selfless i am)

  976. I laughed my way through your book. You’re terrific, and make me feel sane which is a great thing! Love ya!

  979. Conversation with Nick after the 35784th time I don’t answer my phone:
    Nick: I’ve heard your ringtone, it’s motherfucking loud! How could you not hear it?
    Me: I could be going deaf. OH GOD, I’m too young to go deaf! I must have some freaky disease! What if going deaf is just the first stage? I’m probably going to die of Freaky Disease Syndrome!
    Nick: You were listening to the new Luke Bryan album weren’t you?
    Me: DON’T JUDGE OUR LOVE! HIS VOICE IS LIKE MELTED BUTTER ON A BISCUIT AND I…….I don’t know how to end that sentence.
    Nick: Thank god for small favors.

  980. I want your book, but haven’t bought it yet. So REALLY, I haven’t supported you at all. pick me?

  981. My husband thinks it is ok to call me at work, it’s not like I have a JOB or anything. TEXT message men, seriously.

    love your book.

  982. Sorry for the shitty week, but this cracked me up. I am trying now to flip it around on my husband who never answers his phone. It is especially comforting when I call him about something and my purse rings because he is forever stashing his shit in there. Get your own purse, freak!

  983. Did you know that your book is also in 1,891 libraries worldwide? And they said libraries were obsolete…ha!

  984. I sent this to BF. I hope he appreciates it the next time I tell him I didn’t answer his call because I was saving orphans, and that he should probably bring me eggrolls because I would like that.

    Have a good Thursday!

  985. Twice you’ve come to Chicago, and twice I’ve been unable to make it from Milwaukee due to lack of car, lack of funds, or having to work. Pick me so I can have an autographed copy and *pretend* to have met you?

    Or come to Milwaukee and I’ll make the best bison meat loaf you’ve ever had.

    PS I never answer my phone when my husband (or anybody else) calls me either. I’m going to have to use some of these.

  986. Jeez, almost a thousand comments. Getting a book is a lot like winning the lottery at this point…

  987. Neil Gaiman inspired the tattoo I have. Actually, e.e. cummings did, but I wouldn’t have known about him if it weren’t for Neil’s reading of a cummings poem at his wedding, which I wouldn’t have known about had it not been for Amanda Palmer and her blog. Yes….go Neil?

  988. I’m going to have to use some of those answers the next time someone complains I don’t answer my phone. I answer my husband’s calls the majority of the time but I always seem to not hear my family’s phone calls. Not on purpose of course!

  991. So I saw a quote from your book on Facebook and everyone was wondering who the author was. A few people ended up knowing and saying what book it was from. I was intrigued. I immediately went to Amazon to purchase the kindle version but….. I am so broke right now. Instead I decided to read your blog. The first day I read it, was the day Hunter S. Thomcat learned how to breathe fire. Love it already! Anyways.. I started from day one of your blog. I just got to today. I don’t know what I’ll do with my spare time anymore 🙁 well today just happened to be payday and now I can buy the book!!! Unless you decide to give me one! I’ll wait for your response 😉

  992. Too funny!! I love this post!!!
    Victor needs a hug…
    ((((((((((Victor)))))))))))))))))

  993. *mumble mumble mumble. mumble mumble*

    Translation: “Wishing you much love and better days” while gagged and bound in abandoned KY warehouse. 🙂

  994. Thank you for making me smile and laugh today. This post put me in such a better mood! 🙂

  995. I don’t have your book. I want to read it. I’d like to read a signed copy…just sayin’

  998. As of my clicking you have 900 notes, EVEN, so I almost didn’t leave one. But then I realized by the time I hit “submit” ten other people will have left comments too. So I feel better. Also, I am Victor this time. It’s a weird feeling because normally I totally empathize with you.

  999. I think you are so funny. I cannot tell you how significant the laughter you have afforded me over the past (difficult) year has been. Thank you for doing what you do. It matters. I would be honored to have a signed copy of your book.

  1001. If orange juice is both a descriptive of the color and the fruit it is made from, why isn’t grape juice called purple?

  1002. I have a very similar conversation with my Victor about 5x a week. Apparently, I’m to spend all my time staring at the phone waiting for his face to pop up on the screen. I’m assuming the fairies will take care of the laundry, cooking, dishes, garden, cleaning…oh, and my job. Maybe he’s secretly building a robot to handle all of those things. Actually, if he would build a robot to handle all of those things, he might be able to convince me to hold onto the phone at all times anxiously awaiting his calls…I think I just found my new comeback to his complaints.

    Oh and I would love to have your book!

  1003. The school nurse could call. That’s why you should always answer your phone. Child guilt, much better than husband guilt and it’s for real. Answer your phone Jenny, it could be the school nurse calling. your friend, Laurie F.

  1004. This post turned my seriously shitty day into a not so seriously shitty day. I laughed out loud. That hasn’t happened in awhile. Thank you for that.

    I’m allergic to the adhesive in tape as well… and bandages… It’s a sad existence. It makes fixing wounds even more hazardous and deadly and wrapping Christmas presents oh so un cheerful

  1005. I really want to read your book…but am too cheap to buy one. So. I’ll just keep entering your contests.

  1007. My husband and I have had these same conversations SO MANY TIMES! I was totally you though.

  1008. I cannot even tell you how well I identify with this…I’m TERRIBLE at answering my phone. I am laughing SO MUCH right now.

  1009. the odds are not particularly in my favor but i can’t afford your book and our library has yet to bless their shelves with a copy which leaves me one option: wait until I am picked as your signed book winner. cheers, and thanks for the laughs, as always. 🙂

  1010. Do you need a distraction? Oh, no, probably not. I just wanted you to see my art work.
    Seriously, though, thank you for the smile. I have a few nasties going on this week, too.

  1011. So, it isn’t the same as your shitty week. And it doesn’t include my face being eaten off by horses. But it is almost as strange.
    I have been having simple partial seizures all week. And two of the signals I get that lets me know that seizures are imminent are 1) my left eye starts to twitch like a rabid crack whore and 2) my entire face goes completely numb. Like so completely numb that it FEELS LIKE I AM WEARING SOMEONE ELSE’S FACE.
    Now, many people have asked me how I know what that feels like, and I swear I’m not some weird serial killer that goes around wearing other peoples’ faces. But, the feeling is so strange, I can think of no other way to describe it.
    I also don’t ever answer my phone. What if the person on the other end isn’t who they say they are? What if it is The Silence, and they are trying to get me to do things? Bad things?
    Also, did you know that today is National Mint Julep day?

  1012. Sorry you’re in the shits, lovey. There’s always magic around the corner. Or shit. Probably the first one. Either way, bring waders.
    xoxo

  1013. Shit must be going ’round. Watch John Barrowman sing in drag. It’s amazing.

  1015. Ok, yes I really want a signed copy of your book…cause that’s just awesome. But even before I got to that part I was premeditating my comment just so I can toss my lot in with you and say I never answer my phone either. And, yes, it drives people nuts. I’m not sure if I’m lazy, phone-phobic or extremely anti-social…or a mix of all three, but there it is. My phone will wind up stuck to my ankle too eventually. 🙂

  1016. Thank you for just posting what may be the funniest blog post I ever read.

  1018. Way to keep him on his toes. I want your book sooo bad , but I’m broke. So winning it would work out perfectly. Congrats on your success with the book!

  1019. Congratulations on being on the best seller list for 3 months. That is quite an accomplishment I do hope your week gets better. I think your next book should be your conversations with Victor.

  1020. you are totally, awesomely, hysterically brilliant. thanks for all the laughs!

  1023. The best thing about the iPhone is that you can answer a call with a text message so you never have to talk to anyone. It has preset texts, like “Can’t talk right now…I’ll call you later”. You can also create custom replies, like “Can’t talk right now…I’m rescuing orphans from a fire”. This feature alone is worth the price of the phone.

  1025. I hate that you are having a shitty week!!! Pisses me off 😉

    Hope it gets better.

  1026. My dog Orion will lay so still that i really think hes dead.
    So i start to freak out and gently call his name and he will violently wag his tail but his body will still be dead.

  1027. Bwah!! First time poster long time reader. Took me 4 times to type my email address because I was still laughing. And now everyone in the waiting room at my son’s OT appointment thinks I’m one of “those moms”. Thanks for the laugh!

  1028. Jenny: I don’t think you understand Victor, the Doctor Who theme is my ringtone.
    Victor: What?
    Jenny: If I answer, the music stops, and the Daleks win.
    Victor: I can’t even…

  1029. All of my friends always complain that I never answer my phone, so glad it is not just me. Phone is in my purse when it’s not just turned off, they’re just annoying when you don’t need them. Nothing life threatening ever happens. But they get so testy when I do it. Not sure why they are surprised since I used to turn off the ringer on the land line.

  1032. I have had the exact type of discussion. I’m not sure why I used to be able to live peacefully w/out a cell phone and now that I have one I have to answer it or the world is going to end.

  1033. I love your site and was so happy when I got my hands on a copy of your book here in South Africa – and then to discover that a friend of mine in Botswana is addicted to your book too… Also, only anally retentive people answer their phones first time round.

  1034. I was going to say something stupidly amazing and witty and immediately forgot it. Like, I reached for the mouse to click on “comment” and it was GONE. Absolutely no idea what I was going to say. I remember liking it, though. I hope your week gets better. 🙂 <3

  1035. I don’t answer the phone either, but it’s because I suffer from telephobia. The phone gives me incredible, inexplicable anxiety. I much prefer internet communication. 🙂

  1036. I only found your blog last week and it’s so awesome I’ve been steadily reading my way back through the archives. Which probably sounds like I’m a creepy blog-stalker which I promise I’m not. Although that’s just what a creepy blog-stalker WOULD say…

    Anyway, I would love a copy of your book! May the random number generator smile upon me and upon you!

  1037. OMG you have got to be the funniest person on the planet, does Victor know how lucky he is? Mostly…..

    Tammye

  1038. Sorry you have had a shitty week. Loved your book though and I’d love to share it with a friend (mine is on my Kindle).

  1039. I’m sorry you’re having a shitty week. If it makes you feel any better, I get yelled at often (My wife, my mother, my sisters, my co-workers, my friends…) for not answering (or even carrying) my phone.

  1040. I’m relatively sure no one has ever had their face eaten by a horse – at least, I couldn’t find it on Google. On the other hand, it might make an interesting episode of Doctor Who… Picture this: We’re back in Victorian London, where we discover a carnivorous-horse-headed breed of aliens has crash landed into the estate of Bertram Hayden Gusterfield, whose face becomes their first on-planet meal. The episode would (of course) be titled “Hayden is for Horses”

    We should totally pitch this to Neil. I’m sure he’s been waiting for the chance to write about a face-eating-horse (of course). OH and LIGHTBULB!! THE HORSES COULD ALL BE WEARING FEZES!! (Fezi? what’s the plural of Fez, anyway?)

  1041. I think you should spend a day calling Victor. All day long. Space the calls about 5 minutes apart. Eventually you’ll catch him in the bathroom, driving, eating, trying to talk to other people, in an elevator, etc. See how long he continues to answer on the first ring. When he starts to lose it you can always tell him you were just demonstrating your love and had the overwhelming urge to feel close to him. He sounds like such a great guy but honestly, so what if you don’t speak for a few hours? It’s sort of like when a toddler and the dogs follow you into the bathroom or stand in the doorway to it, waiting for you. Where do they think you’re going to go? Do they honestly think you need help in there?

  1042. Yeah? Well my thirteen year old daughter won’t let me listen to the radio in my own car. And my book has NEVER been on any best selling lists. Talk about depressed. I already have your book – but I could give it to my friend so she would think I’m important. It’s so hard having to continually impress my friend…

  1043. I’ve been meaning to get your book but I haven’t because I suck but I do like taxidermied animals. Does that help????

  1044. I think you need to just set your answering message to something like “Hi honey. Mmm? Uh huh. Okay, listen I gotta go I love you buy!” There problem solved.

  1045. Lol! I love this one. Why doesn’t he just text you? That way when you are done saving the orphans, you can just answer him rather than him calling every few minutes.

  1046. I have no brain today, Ikept hitting enter too soon.

    I plan to read your book the day before my next ketamine treatment, in hopes of influencing my hallucinations. The last few times I had drag queens, Adiposeans, winter goblins (from faceoff) and time bandit monsters, plus Game of Thrones, and they smove and have patterns like the peacock in the video of Grace Jones singing La Vie en Rose (where she’s dressed as a rose!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpVpbaNDjCI

  1047. If its any consolation, I hate answering my phone. Unless its my daughter. Who is awesome and loves you as much as me.

    Still, I think you need to mess with Victors head and start answering your phone on the first ring.

    You can also get one of those hands free headset things and. LT. Uhura costume because those stupid headsets totally remind me of her headset from the original Star Trek.

  1048. Is it difficult for you, that your shitty week, becomes something people read for entertainment? You have a special gift Jenny, thanks for making me smile, even when you are at risk for horse face eating. Your public loves you.

  1049. Factiod for the day: Turtles can breathe through their assholes. And probably answer cell phones as well

  1050. Also having a shite day and seeing you have posted lifted my spirits! A lunch of Doritos and a coke is also helping. Stress eat much?? Naw

  1051. your not answering the phone conversations had me in giggles. I’m keeping my fingers crossed your week gets better. But try not to say things like “this is the worst”, because in my experience the universe loves to prove to me it isn’t be providing something much worse.

    Right now I’m trying to figure out what this small clear plastic piece in a plastic bag is for. The answer usually appears to me after I’ve thrown it out and the trash has been hauled away.

  1053. Thanks for keeping us realizing that we aren’t the “only ones”.

  1054. Adore Neil Gaiman !! Since my local branch of library had copy your book, so I aready read it. But I know a up coming B-day girl would love it.

  1055. I never answer my texts but always answer my phone. Release the kracken!

  1056. Hi there, me again!! I never answer my phone either. Apparently it drives my family nuts too 🙂

  1059. OK, so here’s my thought. If you’re going to tell us that things are horribly shitty, and then the next week they are still shitty to the point where kittens don’t exist, then TELL US WHAT IS GOING ON!!
    You tell us you are having these horrible chest pains but we never find out what happened.
    You’re like me in college, calling my mother in despair that everything is horrible and miserable. And then she worries and worries because I don’t tell her WHAT IS GOING ON.
    You’re like a big misery tease, basically.

  1061. Holy CRAP Balls!!!!
    1) First, please tell us more about Rolly. I feel like we do not even know this kitty who we see playing with Ferris and Hunter.
    2) I have had such a tough week that on my lunch break, I decided to go into the empty quiet dark conference room and take a nap on the floor behind the large table. It is in those moments when insomia and migraines make you do weird things on a Thursday.
    3) Hope your week gets better, too. or you find a large table to nap under.

  1063. I bet you answer the phone more often than my teen does. I don’t think he gets that it does more than send and receive text messages.

  1066. Glad for something happy in an otherwise shitty week for you. I’ve got bronchitis, but on a happy note, I work at a job where I was able to take a day off with no worries so that I could nap and then sit on the couch and eat ice cream while I read blogs.

  1069. LOL! I’m sharing this with my husband….he always wonders why I don’t answer my phone, too. I’m going to have to start using some of your responses!

  1071. I already have your book…but I want the extra chapters from the new version!!! In honour of you I might go out and buy a book by Neil anyways.

  1072. You seriously crack me up. Usually the highlight of my day when I see a new post in my news feed. Keep it up!

  1074. Thanks for turning me on to Chris Hadfield. That guy is rad. And he sings good. I know that’s grammatically incorrect.

  1076. I got yelled at yesterday by both my boss and my mother for not answering my phone. 🙁

  1078. Your blog always makes my day less shitty! Thanks for always sharing and I’d love a signed copy of your book since I missed you when you were in Denver. Also, Douche Canoe is my new favorite word thanks to you!

  1079. I just had a conversation about whether or not I’m too adult to be bothered by having just molten chocolate cake for dinner tomorrow. The verdict is no. This made me think of you.

  1080. but I HATE my electronic leash (ie: phone). I don’t WANT to answer it. Besides, it should make my time seem that much more valuable since its hard to come by.

  1082. This is me and my husband with roles reversed. I so close to throwing his phone against the wall the other day.
    There is always an excuse – dead battery, left in the car, left it at home, etc. – it is never his fault. Grrrrrr. Shit
    now I’m mad at him again and I didn’t even call him yet today. : X

  1083. I’m so desperate for potato chips and dip (which I don’t have) I’m eating water crackers and blue cheese dressing. Lame.

  1084. Girl, I love the way your mind works. 🙂 Sending love and hugs and hoping your week continues to lighten up.

  1086. Okay. There are so many comments that I can’t be sure, but I think that I am the only person that recognized your cry for help in the last phone conversation even though you clearly alluded to the fact in an earlier conversation that if you answered the phone right away that was a sure sign you are being held hostage. So, I have called 911 and informed them that they need to go find you. It might take awhile since I don’t know where you live, and you might not actually even be where you live because that would be a stupid place to hold you hostage. It also might take awhile because they may not have believed me…

  1087. Jenny Lawson, you are my quick thinking, metal chicken having, Dr Who loving, Big Goddamn Hero.

  1088. I HAVE BEEN TRYING FORWVER TO WIN ONE!

    Why is this in caps? !I DONT KNOW.

  1089. Since I refuse to talk on a phone, at all, because I can’t speak coherently I am always amazed and humored when my phone rings, which is no more than once or twice a month. I do, however, get an abundance of texts about stuff that really doesn’t need a response most of the time…in my opinion anyway.

    On an entirely personal note, I can’t thank you enough for your humor! You rock!

  1090. My mother instantly goes into panic mode if I don’t answer my phone/call her back immediately, even though we’ve had multiple conversations about how I won’t answer the phone if I’m driving and also the fact that I turn off the ringer if I’m with other people. I am 32.

  1092. After some depressing things this morning, this post was a great laugh. Thank you!

  1093. Jenny, I wish I could direct all of my husbands questions to you! It would be so awesome!! I might get more of what I want that way since he’d probably get so frustrated that he’d just give up! But seriously though, Thank You for always being there to make me smile. I tell everyone about your book and that you use the F word in it so much it makes me want to buy extras to hand out because the world really needs more people who aren’t so up-tight about everything. Seriously, more people need 5 foot tall cocks in their yard!! Maybe thats what you should give away (not yours obviously but one like it) Oh! Pick me!

  1095. I just laughed so hard I choked on my gum. And I’m smiling about it. 🙂

    Thank you for making me smile all the time, Jenny. And the rest of the time? You make me want to hug you. So here’s some great big (((HUGGLES))). I hope they fit. 😉

  1096. I locked myself in the bathroom so that my spawn would give me the few minutes I needed to read this. That definitely deserves a signed copy.
    Alisha

  1098. I never answer the phone. Whoever it is has to tell me who they are so I know if I want to talk to them or not. My husband and youngest have learned from me. Our vm is filled with, “Hello, it’s me….pick up.” The only bad thing is when we don’t clear out the left messages there is fifty some odd messages that begin with, “It’s me…pick up.” We do get the occasional marketer, doctor’s office, friend or relative who get lost in the mix. Sometimes the relatives get peeved but I’m like if you don’t call me enough for me to recognize your number it’s your fault that I’m not picking up.

    I’ve got your book so just donate to your fav charity for me if I’m randomly picked which never happens. I guess I’ll just have to give to one of the groups helping with displaced animals due to the tornado in OK. Already gave for the humans.

    Peace.

  1099. My wife just tells the kids- text. I was wondering how that works between you and your husband
    Michael

  1100. I just spent a few wonderful moments laughing myself silly over your not-answering-the-phone post. Laughter’s VERY helpful when you’re 75 and hurt all over! THANK YOU!!!

  1102. I would rather buy your book, because you’re awesome. One you sign is just a bonus!

  1103. So sorry about your shitty week but thank you for making mine better! One of my favorite posts!

  1105. I can’t be funny. Because if these goddamn migraines don’t stop I swear on Barbara Walters that I am just going to cut my head off…

    At least you make me laugh and sure it doesn’t help the headache but it does help my sanity. Which is fleeting…

    Hugs (that linger just a little too long 🙂 )

  1106. Ok, I clicked on a link from a friend’s FB post to read this and I am crying I am laughing so hard. I need to get your book so I can keep laughting this hard. Please choose me! 😉

  1107. Ok, I clicked on a link from a friend’s FB post to read this and I am crying I am laughing so hard. I need to get your book so I can keep laughing this hard. Please choose me! 😉

  1108. Thank you for being hilarious, amazing, and relateable. Some days, the worst days, i just spend hours reading back over your blog with a cat on my shoulder and a puppy at my side, thats my paradise.

  1109. I totes don’t dig that Gaga song, but this is just like that. But with less loud music. And more allergic reactions. And at least as much alcohol.

  1110. Thanks so much for your blog/book my father and I can relate on very little. I saw your book on his bed side table while looking for loose change and took the book instead. We laughed for the first time together in 3 years (the last time being when my brother chewed through his head phones and electrocuted himself.)

  1112. Borrowed your book from a friend, had never read your blog before but loving it. Feel like I am reading stories about myself and my husband. And here I thought we were the only crazy ones. 🙂

  1113. Don’t answer the phone. If it was really important he’d send a text.

  1115. Ha! I forget to answer my phone too. I should start using some of your reasons to make it more interesting 😉 I hope your week gets much better.

  1116. This has got to be one of the funniest things I’ve read this week.
    And you and my husband might be the same person. NEVER answers his phone, then gets mad when the opportunity for ice cream passes because I didn’t keep calling after the tenth time.

  1117. I feel like such a moron- my first post seems to have been deleted and then I realized- you just posted what sounded like “I killed my cat and had my kids watch.” I should go hide in the closet now. Really, I loved today’s post. It made me smile after my beloved first cat had a stroke and we had to say goodbye to her. My twins got to be there to say goodbye.

    Alright. I’m mortified now. Must stop typing. Need some pills and a wine slushy to make it all go away.

  1118. I’m sorry you’re having a crappy week but I just thought you’d like to know, you make me laugh and cry and have all the feels with your writing. I hope that helps a little.

    Also, I would love a signed copy of your book. It would keep me warm on the lonely, cold Minnesota winter nights. But not from burning it or anything.

  1119. Can I just leave this comment to talk about how I started reading your comments and saw the name Amanda and immediately thought of Amanda Bynes. Maybe if she had a copy of your book she’d be less crazy. Also, I only have your book in kindle form, and I would totally love to have it in real book form.

  1120. I think it would be a splendid surprise to temporarily remove all modern conveniences, along with the cell phone, and the ability to be reached at all times. For instance, not only would you not be available via phone, but you would also no longer have running water, electricity, or credit cards. You might borrow a loom for weaving, or a butter churn. You could even employ a postmaster on a horse to deliver the mail, and possibly, be the way in which your family must communicate with you for the duration of the surprise. It would be educational, and possibly institute gratitude at all of the ways in which conveniences, and indeed your own attention, are typically readily available. Also, I would love to read about it 🙂

  1121. I’m having a pretty emotional week too since I’m moving away from friends and family to pursue my dreams. So I just wanted to say from the bottom of my heart, thanks for being an inspiration. You make me feel like even the biggest, most absurd dreams are possible. Luckily I’ve had the privilege of meeting you and getting a signed copy of your book, so give this copy to the less fortunate. I just simply wanted to say thank you Jenny Lawson!

  1122. Okay, so, I guess I’m a little late to this party. But I prefer to think of it as making a fashionable entrance.

    TA-DAH!!! *twinkle*

    Did I win? 😉

  1123. 1st of all, why does victor think phones are used for talking? get with it dude , TEXT only. also i knew you and i were alike i CANT BELIEVE YOU ARE ALSO ALLERGIC TO LATEX?! THANK GOD IM NOT THE ONLY FREAK.

    ON OTHER NEWS I LOVE YOU THATS ALL.

    HII HAILEY!!!

  1124. After a day full of ugh’s, this finally forced a smile out of me. Thanks!

  1125. I feel you on the shitty week. I mean, not as shitty as yours, but I DID just find out I’m gluten sensitive and will probably never again eat real cake. Bitter, bitter tears.

  1128. Thanks very much for starting an argument between my partner and me; he thinks you are hilarious but totally refuses to see my side of the matter when his calls don’t get through.

  1130. You are the highlight of my blog reading day. My husband calls me Jenny too. And I NEVER answer my phone. We should totally hang out sometime. Ha!!

  1131. Personally, this is my favorite post of yours yet. It is like you are not answering my phone for me. And, thank you.

  1132. I would love to win a copy of your book. I’ve given it as gifts to three different people now. They all love it too.

  1133. read your blog every day…it lightens my heart every time. reading your book right now and already have 3 friends begging me to lend it to them next. i am from a Vermont commune originally so i relate to all of your experiences so well…i even had a taxidermy conversation YESTERDAY!…just wanted to say how much i look forward to your blog and the smiles…keep up the amazing work…you rock!

  1135. I’m giving your week the stinky eye. Hopefully that will intimidate it into behaving for what’s left of it 😉

    I already have your book but… signed copy!!!! That would be the best. Unless you are secretly planning to do a signing in Spain to which I could go to meet you and get my copy signed. In that case, *that* would be the best, and winning here the signed copy would be second best.

  1136. Really, people? Fresh, whole rabbit and yodeling pickles???? That’s what you are searching Amazon for? (OK, the pickle is kind of fun, but I just can’t get past the fact that it looks like the Incredible Hulk’s dismembered thumb.)

    Anyway, I apparently don’t answer my phone as often as my husband would like either…

  1140. I never answer my phone because I CAN”T GET TO IT IN TIME!!! Stupid purse.

  1141. My mom never answers her phone. I will remember your responses next time I think she is doing it to spite me.

    p.s. Love you love your show.

  1142. I don’t answer the phone either. It’s always someone wanting me to do something. Feh!

  1143. I sympathize w/ Victor. My hubs never answer his phone lol I hope your week gets better

  1144. I told my hubby our keyword in case of kidnapping should totally be pineapples!!! I eman, that way they would just think we were all kinky like that LOL

  1145. Jenny, if I knew you in person I’m quite sure we’d be best friends. 🙂

  1147. 1) I don’t answer my phone either. Or listen to voice mail. There’s a perfect number which will cause me to answer/listen. That number is somewhere after 3 calls – but less than 6 calls. Because if there are 6 messages? It probably means it’s something icky I don’t want to deal with. And if it’s 3 or fewer messages, then it’s not really important, is it?
    2.) My day was fairly shitty too – and this water leaking out of my eyes and creating rivulets down my face isn’t improving the day either. Or my instance that I AM OK, QUIT LOOKING AT ME.

  1148. I just finished your book this week….OMG! It was so funny! I kept reading it out loud to my hubby. I would love to win a signed copy! I hope your week gets better. Mine has not been good either, good thing I had your book to cheer me up!

  1149. At least you’re still sexy, witty and charming. That should take some of the edge off of general life-suckery. Quick! Go put on a red dress and eat some cake with your hands. And take photos. And remember that you are amazing!

  1150. I just discovered your blog this week! I would love your book, to read when I’m not reading ALL your past posts.

  1151. So we went to a book signing by Mary Roach in Berkeley. My daughter was (for some reason) bored, and griped “Why couldn’t we go to something good? Why didn’t we go see the Bloggess??”
    So I think you should pick me for the free book! 🙂

  1152. Why can’t he just text? Or are you bad at answering texts?

  1153. I already have your book and I don’t need $15 but I just wanted to say that no matter how shitty my day is, your humor makes it better. I cried at work today (and I am a MIDWESTERNER of stoic GERMAN descent so that is SERIOUS) but reading this blog post made me smile. Thank you!

  1154. I think I have a girl-crush on you. Is that weird? My name is Jenny, too, which might make it weirder, because then it’s almost like I have a crush on myself. Which makes me glad you’re a real person, because at least then I’m not just some narcissistic weirdo.

  1156. Sorry it’s been sort of shitty this week. I hope you’re able to muck out the shit soon. Or maybe you could hire Hailey to do it for you. Kids will usually work for a buck or two. Hang in there, we love you!

  1157. Good God, woman – you’re brilliant! Wish I could think of creative comebacks like that on the spot instead of 10 minutes later when they’re no f-ing good to me anymore. 😉
    Just tell Victor when he stops buying houses without telling you, you’ll start answering the phone. 😀

  1158. technically i think horses will go extinct first and kittens will eat your face off. everyone knows your house cats will eat you when you die. also i want to win a book!

  1159. I already have your book and it is awesome!! I hope you sell enough for Victor to retire so that instead of phone stalking you he can just come into your office and stare at you until you pay attention to him. That is what my husband, son and two cats do to me. Thanks for sharing your wit with us. I hope next week is a lot better than this one and if not there is always wine.

    A couple of years ago for Mother’s Day my husband made me some business cards and designated me an International Woman of Awesome. I think you are an I.W.O.A. too. 😀

  1160. I’d really like to win a copy of your book so I can read it. I bought it for my friend because she also loves your blog. Though, she doesn’t seem to love your blog enough to get a feed reader, she just depends on me to email her the link whenever you post something new. So, I bought her the book, but I have not given it to her yet. It’s wrapped & ready for me to give to her since she is moving away, & I figured it would make a nice gift for her, but the longer the book sits on my shelf waiting to be given away, the more & want to open it & pretend that it’s a gift from her to me. Though, she’d probably never buy it for me, she’d probably just wait for me to buy it for her & then decide that I’d rather keep it for myself. Maybe I should just keep it afterall. But then she’d be like, “Hey, where’s my gift? I’m moving away & you didn’t get me anything?” It would really simplify my life if I could just win a copy of my very own…

  1161. Love it. Sent it to my husband. I’m the Jenny, he’s the Victor. He and Victor should hang out.
    That would mean you and I could hang out 🙂
    Congratulations on your amazing book.

  1162. As much as I love Neil Gaiman, I gave my hard cover copy of your book to my son and his wife, so I would LOVE to get a second copy. And my husband didn’t think this was funny at all (probably because I never answer the phone – my ring tone for him is a clock ticking sound because he’s so effing offended when I don’t whip it out). Hugs!

  1163. Victor and my husband have a lot in common. My phone was ringing as I was typing, I considered ignoring it.

  1164. My best friend lost his phone at a funeral, probably in the grave. I like to think that his zombie grandmother will be able to text him when she re-animates.

  1165. I’m sorry your week has been shitty.

    I feel like I want to give you a hug. But I’ll remember right before I actually hug you, that I’m not a touchy feely person and don’t like touching strangers. But it will be too late to do anything about it, so I’ll be left awkwardly hugging you not knowing when to un hug you because if I do it too quickly I don’t want it to seem like I don’t WANT to hug you and you might think you smell or something. Then the hug will go on way longer than appropriate which will end up weird as well and then I won’t know what to say afterwards and I’ll be standing there shifting from foot to foot clearing my throat waiting for you to say something to break the silence.

    Will a virtual hug be acceptable? If so, please accept this virtual hug.

  1166. Desperate for a copy of your book! Only just discovered you a month ago and my husband and I ended up snort laughing at dead animal stories at one in the morning while staying with people we didn’t really know and couldn’t risk explaining that sometimes dead, stuffed animals are hilarious.

  1167. Thank you for the laughs and making me feel like I am not the only crazy person in the world!

  1168. I have had a shitty week, too! My husband moved to TX to try to find a job, so I’ve got all 3 kids to myself. One of my 3yos has been a “barfcano” for the past couple of days, and they other 2 have colds. Also my phone got stolen, but I got it back (yay, humans!). So it’s a mixed bag and I really shouldn’t be whining.

  1169. My husband almost never calls me, but nearly every time he does, I miss the call. Mostly because I just carry my cellphone now so I can tweet funny things while waiting at train crossings, and to make myself feel better when I have to poop while out in public (by tweeting about it). I have no friends, so I never expect anything to come in to it. The no friends thing might be correlated to the pooping thing.

  1170. The cell phone is responsible for the decline of polite society. Tell Victor you’re just protesting the smart-phone culture!

  1172. My dog has been barking at the neighbors all day. Normally I try to make him stop. But they have a new trampoline, and their kids have been yelling on it all day. So, for today, I’m calling it even.

  1173. I was losing it on this post. I have to share the page because this is so me. I mean the not-answering my phone part, not the funny, make me choke on my cranberry juice part. I’m just not that funny. Anyway, good stuff. Thanks for the laughs and the contest too.

  1175. Yeah I am the Victor too, although my hubby usually does answer, and when he does not it is because he left his phone in the other room, but then I am like what if I broke down or such and such.

  1176. Obviously your week can be fixed by going on a mission to save all the kittens. Or at least as many kittens as you can find. Or at least make a “Save the Kittens” rubber bracelet thingy. You should probably just make it kitties though, to be inclusive; you wouldn’t want to seem ageist.

  1177. This was hilarious – I think I’ve had similar (but maybe not so funny) conversations with my husband on a daily basis. Congrats on the bestsellers list!!

  1178. Ahahaha I love this. I am awful at answering the phone and it drives people mad. I;m even worse on answering machines. The other day I left a message that ended with, “I’m really sorry this message sucks so much, I’m awful at talking to machines that listen to me.”

    I don’t even know.

    Oh – and I already have your book because it is excellent 🙂

  1179. I would love to read your book! I’ll bring it with me to read at the Science Fiction bookshop where I work in Stockholm, Sweden and it can hang out with all the Neil Gaiman books, and the sonic screwdrivers, and the Harry Potter wands. Your book NEEDS to be read by all the Swedish nerds! We love your blog!

  1181. I have these same conversations but it is me asking my husband why he never answers his phone when I call. Normally it is because he gets tired of me calling to discuss every insane idea that pops into my head. I am also sorry you have had a shitty week and I hope things start to get better.

  1182. FFS — it’s not like you’ve lost the damned phone. Can’t that man (or my DH for that matter) cut some slack, Jack???????

    lizandrsn at aohell-dot-commie

  1185. You always make my day! thank you for the laughter and complete understanding of those of us in this world who view things “differently”.

  1186. Hope your week improves! I get to spend the next two days sitting in the hot/ humid / possibly stormy great outdoors while my husband drag races. I always answer when he calls, but I rarely answer for anyone else.

  1187. I feel like the last one to the party. Hope your week gets less crappy and kittens never go extinct. I don’t answer phones, either. Because I’m busy doing other crap.

  1188. I am so glad to hear it! Congratulations and I NEVER turn my ringer on, so I NEVER answer it…

  1189. So… 2 snowmen are sitting together, when suddenly one turns to the other and says: “Hey! Do you smell carrots?!”
    That is my random comment.
    Please can I win a book now?

  1190. Love your blog! I couldn’t even get my husband to carry a cellphone until this year and that is only because he is jobhunting! But even though he now has one, he never answers it either. Would love your book and I don’t have it yet! Please pick me!

  1191. ME!! 🙂 Please and thank you! I would love to buy an episode of Doctor Who written by Neil!!

  1193. You are amazing. This post totally made my day. And my co-workers wonder what is wrong with me as I laugh far too loudly at my desk…

  1194. Hi,
    I was listening to your book while in the car line to pick my son up at school. I finally got to the front of the line and my son was slowly making his way to my car. I suddenly realized there were all of these little kids outside my car, you were taking about being stalked after ODing on laxatives, and I was pretty sure the radio was loud enough to be heard outside the car. I’m waiting for the email about “appropriate radio listening”…
    oops!
    Huckle Rahr

  1195. I once threw my cellphone out the car window (while crossing a bridge) because the person calling me wouldnt quit calling me. Cellphones can be annoying 🙂

  1196. I love Neil Gaiman. And you! Congratulations on 3 months of awesomeness.

  1197. My husband does not answer the house phone….EVER! One time my mom called and my hubby..home sick with a fever..answered the phone. My mom, upon hearing his voice, shouted in dismay “oh my God, what’s happened to Suzanne?” My hub,in his fevered state thought something must have happened to me and there began a weird, “who’s on first” type conversation.

    I came home to an angry husband. He was angry to be disturbed while sick,angry my mom scared him and angrier that she had called, just to chat.a concept he finds foreign. He wasn’t amused when I said really it was his fault for not answering the phone more often.

    Now, if I’m not home, he tells our daughter to answer…but she doesn’t like the phone either. So,whenI come home I have to check the answering machine, despite two people having been home.

    Please send me a book!

  1199. Love your book… Have been force feeding it to everyone I know. Birthday? Christmas? Mother’s Day? Christening? Wedding? I got a gift for you!

  1200. I hate the phone. I use like 5 of my allowed minutes each month. The people at work who need to know know to call once and call right back if they need me, so I know I should probably suck it up and answer.

  1201. Our book club is meeting tonight I discuss YOUR BOOK!! Bet you never thought THAT would happen. 😀

  1204. My son says the same thing about me answering the phone. Last time he bet his wife I wouldn’t answer and I did – that will show him not to bad mouth me when I’m not there!

  1205. Victor should have coffee with my husband. They have a lot in common. Like anger issues over spousal unanswered cellphones. Like he ever answers his. Fffffttttt.

  1206. I’d so seriously like a copy of your book. You know, I’ve bought two copies already – one hard cover and one paperback, and still haven’t read it? Damn having sisters who read and have birthdays and don’t share

  1207. You literally are my happy place…when I need a lift I just re-read a chapter in your book (I have it on my iPad but I would live a signed copy!) or read your blog…

    As for this post…I had the same conversations with my now ex-husband…reason 4237 that I divorced him…

  1208. I don’t usually answer my phone the first time either. I live in Hawaii and my mom always freaks out and thinks I’ve either been washed away in a tsunami or a lava flow.

  1210. did the water at least pour into the basement so that you have an indoor swimming pool? sorry about grandma =o(

  1211. Sorry your week has been shitty. Virtual anxiety-reducing hug vibed your way. While I love Neil Gaiman, a book signed by you would beat even his awesome writing. I sort of worship you in a non-threatening/stalking/creepy way. Pretty sure my cats love you, too. They are usually rather indifferent. You should be really flattered. 😉

  1212. A comment, about anything! Also, I have already read your book, but I would really like my own copy.

  1214. Texting is clearly the answer. I will read it when I want and I will respond if and when I want.

  1215. I have the book in my Amazon cart for when I can sneak another book into the house without my husband possibly noticing and losing his shit. If I get chosen, I can honestly say I didn’t buy it and I can also buy a David Sedaris (I like Neil Gaiman but am in the mood for essays) book because I saved money. 🙂

  1216. I already have the book. And the book plate. I just wanted to tell you that I am seriously grateful that you are on the face of the Earth, being you. Hilarious.

  1217. Victor as your foil…it just works. What a beautiful story of a loving marriage. Simply touching 🙂

  1218. THANK YOU for making a lousy better! I laughed until I had tears rolling down my face.

  1219. I’d love to win your book. My Birthday is on Sunday and I forgot to ask for a copy!

  1221. I finally got your book! Though I haven’t read it, yet. Pat read it instead and he chuckled all the way through it, which for him is like someone else laughing hysterically and having tears running down their face. He finished the book yesterday, and now it’s my turn to read it. I can’t wait.

    And yes, I’m the same person who didn’t get her copy at Christmas because it was stolen from the mail and the empty envelope returned to my friend. (Which completely sucks for both of us, since she paid for it and I never got it).

    But I got a gift certificate this month and your book whomped down on my doorstep a few days later and was immediately grabbed by Pat, who said he really needed to read it first, so I let him,

    Because that’s just the kind of loving partner I am.

  1222. I’ve been trying for the last six to nine months to get my son to say “mom”. His first word? “Woof”. As in, the sound a dog makes. Any time he hearing barking, he answers back, “Woof woof!”. WE DON’T EVEN OWN A FRIGGIN’ DOG, ‘WOOF’ IS NOT PERTINENT TO OUR LIVES IN ANY WAY.

    Also, I would like a signed copy of your book, please.

  1225. I never answer my phone either. I usually turn off the ringer. Not accidentally, really, but just because when it rings it’s troublesome.

    But my husband manages silence me inside his brain as I talk so I see it as even.

    I’m sorry you’ve been having a bad time. I hope it’s just little stuff that wont matter six months from now.

  1226. Haha! I definitely had the “we should have code words in case someone is holding me hostage so you’ll know to call the police” conversation the other day with my dad. It went about as well as yours. Basically if I’m ever held hostage I’d better hope my mother answers the phone or just call someone else entirely. 🙂

  1227. I too have had a “are you freaking kidding me” week and suddenly, without warning or an appointment, I had the most wonderful walk-in! She was sweet and nice and appreciative and gave me not one but TWO of the best hugs I’ve had in a long time. Faith in Humanity = up 30%. Now if the rest of these turds on a stick could figure out how to say thank you……

  1228. I love your blog and your sense of humor. I will make my baby dance for you if you send me a signed copy of your book. And that’s not a euphemism for anything either. Just cute baby dancing. Unless there’s something euphemistic that you’d prefer. But I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want it to involve my baby.

  1230. I read your book and it was so funny my laughter woke my wife and two small children more than once but I don’t know who Neil Gaiman is. So if you don’t pick me it will now be your fault. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad, just stating the facts.

    And because you asked for something to make you smile…

    Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
    A: Because our balls fall over our butt-hole and they vapor lock.

    BTW, this must be true because I read it on the Internet and it wasn’t denied on http://www.snopes.com. 😉

  1231. I just found your blog recently & have been since creeping back into your archives because I can’t get enough! I’m in school right now & the internet is enough of a distraction, so I haven’t gotten your book yet. But I’ve been really looking forward to reading it in 7 weeks when I’m out of school for the summer! I’d love a copy!

    Thanks for being fantastic, hope next week it better!

  1232. Neil Gaiman is amazing. But so is your book, although my copy is all bent up because I slept on it last night accidentally and earlier in the day I had to fight one of my Year 10 students and wrangle it back off them. True.

  1233. Your stories always make me grin. I’d love a signed book—the copy I have is on my iPad, and signing those makes it hard to read on them.

  1234. I already have your book. I’d love something signed by Neil Gaiman! Not that I have high expectations of that or anything. Actually since I only have the e-book version, a signed copy of your book would be really cool. I just hope that your shitty week gets better, or at least squishes some hysterical laughter in between the shitty patches somewhere.

  1235. my dog broke two! window panes this morning. for blood everywhere and when I try to look at the wounds he bites me (or well attempts). I’m not quite getting a chance to clean them but I don’t think he needs to go to the vet (thank goodness because I cannot afford that) but he’s being all hyper and not letting them heal. ugh. that is all. thank you.

    oh and I very much enjoyed today’s post. gotta love shocking someone into a stupor!

  1236. So, what you’re saying is that if your week gets worse the two cats I just adopted could be the last of their kind? We cannot allow that to happen because I haven’t seen one of them in a couple days because she’s the motherfuckingqueen of the hiding in the house games. I think she’s shooting to break Michael Phelp’s gold medal record actually. She’s getting a collar with a bell on it tomorrow. And I will be taking some Xanax before I try to get it on her. If I ever see her again that is…

  1237. I hope that you get as much joy and laughter from your posts as I do. I hope you are not involved in any horse / face mangling this weekend or ever. I would like to leave you with a joke:

    “What to you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?”

    [wait for it]

    “A stick!”

    That is my favorite joke. I think Victor might like it, too. Or your kid maybe?

  1238. *raises her hand on the shitty week*
    Seriously. But a couple of good girlfriends, a clueless but effective sweet husband, and a blog seemingly written just to make me laugh has soothed a lot of big effin’ heart owies. Thanks.

  1240. I had to tell a grown man at work today to stop putting things in his mouth I FUCKING MEAN IT. I don’t know if I ever had to say that to my 6 year old, I think she was too smart to put things in her mouth. She also likes to dress like a vampire fairy batgirl, so she’s ahead of the curve anway.

  1241. Things that I find interesting: Porcupines and Pickles. Things I find even more interesting? You! Thanks for always making me smile!

  1242. So I’m sure you’ve seen the picture of Captain Jack Harkness sweeping Wil Wheaton off his feet? Yeah, that was awesome. I totally missed it, but was in the vicinity. I had planned on posing with Wheaton with, of course, twine. Missed that, too.
    Know what’s making me happy these days? Neil Gaiman is coming to Phoenix in 27 days! And who does that in the summer? I’m so excited and nervous and already trying to think up something not-stupid to say to him, but I know I’ll fail.
    Oh, and I never answer my phone either.

  1244. secret word of the day…… sharing
    I would love a copy of your book to share with , well anyone I can get to listen ! Especially my daughters who believe they are the only ones who are being raised by 2 lunatics ..lol

  1245. NEIL GAIMAN. I love him. He’s like… a fairy. Elf. Thing. And I’ve been obsessively reading all his books so I know everything when I go see him next month. I would also, of course, be happy if I could see you, because you are also EQUALLY FANTASTIC and I love you. So. Erm. Yes. You’re fantastic and this made me laugh. And if I could, I would adopt a squirrel. ALSO, there is this giant metal chicken by this random taco stand in the town I live by and every time I see it I scream about your big metal chicken and my friend give me weird looks… it’s awesome.

  1246. Two points for you. One, my husband and I do have a codeword for either when we’re in trouble or when we’re so angry with each other that we should stop and take a break before we get all stabby. Popsicle. Also, why doesn’t Victor just lojack you and be done with it?

  1248. I like that you are making plans in case of emergency. I told my husband that if I’m ever abducted I’m going to leave a trail of jewelry, dropping rings and earrings as I’m being dragged away.

    He just shook his head. I think in amazement.

  1250. So did you actually get to have real conversations with Victor or is it always this strange? My sister still has my copy of your book so, I could totally use a signed copy! 😀

  1251. I had to read your book to my husband. He got tired of me saying random things and then laughing hysterically. Now we both love you! Waiting for the second book…..

  1252. ~snicker~ I mention every time I never got my signed bookplate for preordering your book hoping random generator winner picker will somehow cybernetically feel digital pity and gimme one of your books ( I keep giving mine away 🙂 and plus I already preordered a signed Neil’s latest awesomeness…so come on, sweepstakes, gimme some Lawson Love …

  1253. I love this post and I will definitely try some of these responses. My husband hates that I never answer my phone, either!

  1254. So apparently I’m the 1201st comment … there’s no way I’m winning anything. I already ready your book too sooooooooo yeah. Not sure why I’m even commenting.

  1255. you. amaze. me. Wish I could come up with responses like this when people bitch at me for not answering. I’m printing this out and taping it to my ankle with duct tape.

  1256. I saw a chimpanzee giving another chimp a blowjob this week. In person, at my local zoo. I told the 7 children the I had with me that it was grooming the other. But, really, no. Full on BJ going on there. I was more baffled than disgusted… the revulsion set in after we walked away.

  1257. A friend of mine told me he has a half stuffed 7 foot alligator his cats sleep and play in and it reminded me of you,which really strange since I don’t know you personally. but I thought it was awesome. congratulations on your book.

  1258. This post cracked me up. I never answer either. Isn’t that why God invented texting?

  1260. I’ve already got your book on CD, but I’d love a signed copy!

  1262. My husband hates my phone issue. I’ll answer it…but I lose it more often because it’s on vibrate or airplane mode, to save battery life. Which makes it very hard to find when I’ve lost it. By the way, I’m convinced my cats hide the phone on me to make me look like an asshole. Why would my cats do this? Their cats, why wouldn’t they do this!
    My husband does not believe the cats hide my phone, instead he thinks I’m a flighty headcase and I need a lowjack system for my phone…but he hasn’t bought me one so I don’t have one. The game continues.

  1263. I would love to have a conversation like this with my husband. Unfortunately he never feels the need to call me. Maybe I’m the Victor. Oh, crap.

  1265. Thanks for the shout-out. Love your blog!

    -Neil Gaiman

    (For legal purposes, I’m not actually Neil Gaiman, but I wish I was. I don’t think Neil Gaiman would use an exclamation point at the end, or really say anything as mindless as “Love your blog!” but cut him some slack, he’s a genius and can do what he wants.)

  1266. How awesome to hear that your book is still on the New Times Bestseller list! Now, maybe you can take time out from your day to THANK all the people who have come to your book signings and have bought you book. Hell, I bought four of them and there is only one of me ! A woman from Canada asked you to please send a signed book for a fundraiser for a family whose husband was killed and burned beyond recognition while doing a test drive with 2 men in a truck he was trying to sell. Young man, young wife and 2 year old child. I told the woman that I had an extra book and I would be glad to send it to her because I doubt that you would send one because you have, um, issues. Seriously, Jenny, you need to send out a big old THANK YOU to everyone who has purchased your book and continues to support you. Jesus Christ, you;re from Texas and people from Texas generally have manners. Right? RIGHT? You know I’m right..please do this one little thing, even though you don’t like people telling what to do…please.

  1267. This is us, only I’m Victor and my husband is you. Which sounds way creepier than I meant it to be. ><

  1268. i bought your book, loved it, gave it to a friend. i’d love to have another copy so that i’ll…have another copy. 😀

  1270. JENNY! Add this to your list of awesomeness, like you I just had to move to a new house ugh! BUT just a couple of doors down from me in my new home, right on the front lawn they have 3 METAL CHICKENS!! I am seriously taking a picture just for you this weekend and emailing it to you! You are welcome! I wonder if I should tell my new neighbors that their metal chickens that are utterly fabulous need to hold signs that say knock knock? Hmmm

  1272. Hmmm…we don’t have this issue. Maybe because we rarely call each other. Is that bad?

    Would LOVE to win!

  1273. Jenny, you are so awesome! Your conversations with Victor are even more amusing than the ones I have with my parents.

  1274. Have your book. Have $15 bucks and have Neil Gaiman books (he IS awesome). Thanks all the same. Tell Victor we love him but to stop being a weenie and just send a text. I never hear my phone ring inside my purse, but for some reason always hear the text alert. Thanks for never failing to amuse the hell out of me and the BF.

  1275. I do not take my smart phone where it would have a chance if getting damaged because my husband made such a big deal over purchasing it for me… Issue is I rarely get his call or texts in a reasonable amount if time to respond. He will ask, ” Can I spend 30,000 on a VW Jetta TDI?” And when I didn’t say, “No!!!” He drove home in his brand spankin new car. Where was my argument???? I mean, I didn’t say no:/ .

  1276. Jenny, you are the best! Our daughter introduced us to your website (we are old – see, even old people love you) and my husband and I read you every day.

  1277. I want to be your stalker. Are you okay with that? Because my neighbors think I’m nutty and I think you could totally prove to them I’m normal… well in a not as nutty as her kind of way. So, what do you say? Can I be your stalker?

  1278. ooh, book? I want a book! So awesome.

    To make this a comment about something other than whoring for a book, I’m going to mention that I am in a process of making a willie warmer for a guy friend of mine. I plan to add googly eyes and a forked tongue so that it’ll be a trouser snake. And then if I feel like it, I might use glitter glue to jazz it up, because who doesn’t want a glitter snake?

    But it’s a secret, so NO ONE TELL ok?

  1279. This is brilliant! I almost wish I never answered my phone, just so I could yoink them. I hope your week ends on a good note!

  1280. On my phone frantically scrolling down to leave a comment, but after 30 or so strokes and seeing life flashing before me, I forgot why I’m doing this and what I wanted to say.

  1281. That’s it… I’m using these convos as an example of what to say the next time I’m yelled at for not answering my phone. We’re busy bitches Jenny! We can’t be expected to always be available…

  1282. I went to London recently to see a rapper I admire, and my friend panicked at a bad time and almost threw him off the balcony he was climbing.

    It’s almost not important whether I get a book or not; I’m just happy to share these things with you.

  1283. I had to take a tutorial to learn how to use my phone as a phone, I never knew it did that, weird I thought it was just an internet, email box 😛

  1284. Can you have Victor call and yell at my husband? He never answers calls, emails, or texts. Well. Rarely.

  1286. You make me laugh so hard that when I flew to Mexico on vacation, I was reading your book and I shook all the way there from repressing my laughing to keep from disturbing the other passengers. I may have hurt myself…….

  1287. I don’t answer the phone because it makes my husband suspect I may have found someone better and when I finally answer the phone I am all like you should be happy. I haven’t left you yet.

  1288. I rarely answer my phone either. My mom has learned that if she needs to get in touch with me, it is faster to call my husband’s phone.

  1290. I come to your blog to help me through my own depression. Thank you for writing the words I feel, but can’t always put on paper.<3

  1291. I actually feel Victor’s pain on this one because my husband never answers his phone. Though his excuses for not doing so are far less exciting and far more whiny.

  1292. Wait…you’re supposed to ANSWER cell phones?? I’ve been doing it all wrong!

  1293. I love you and want to be your friend!
    (Fyi, I originally had 3 exclamation points, but deleted the last two so I wouldn’t seem so needy.)

  1295. my soon to be husband (the word fiance sucks, who invented that word, obviously the french, why isn’t there an english translation for this ridiculous word) needs to be reading your posts so he knows that there are people worse then I am at responding to calls/texts …

    ps. i have your book already… i recommended it to my soon to be husband.. he hasnt read it yet, I’m thinking he will if its signed.. will also accept the $15 if necessary

  1296. I sympathise with Victor on this one — my husband never answers his cell phone when I call and it’s simultaneously maddening and terrifying. He goes to mow some stranger’s yard and I’m all, “What if that old lady stabbed you to death because she doesn’t like how you edged her garden and I don’t even know where you are?”

  1297. I love this! I am fairly certain that my husband and I have this same conversation daily. As he is a firefighter, I know he would appreciate fireproof orphans. Maybe we’ll work on that…

  1298. I love your book! Just finished it and the tale about the puppet squirrel in the cereal box reminded me of something my best friend’s dad did to us involving a squirrel tail. He pretended he was holding a shy baby squirrel and the squirrel was scurrying around with it’s tail twitching and flopping around and running under his arm and we were ENTRANCED. Then the squirrel jumped out on us and we screamed bloody murder until we noticed it was a detached squirrel tail… then we screamed bloody murder some more until he picked it up and left the room. Thanks Mike Perry. You owe my therapist $1500.

  1300. This is me and my husband on a regular basis. We were both laughing so hard we were crying. Glad to know it happens to others.

  1301. I get angry at dead people. Especially those who have died because they did not take care of themselves after beating cancer. WHY WOULD YOU CONTINUE TO SMOKE!?!?! And then I get mad because they died far too soon and people are sad and that sucks.

  1302. I hate talking on the phone since I’m incredibly awkward on them; I usually ignore the call and text the person back. Then they try to call me again since I’m obviously by the phone, but I just ignore it again. It’s a vicious cycle.

  1304. Just think of all the uses for fireproof orphans. They could be gas grill testers, for example.

  1305. My husband never answers his damn phone. Because he’s got the radio too loud, or because the battery’s dead, or because he left it at home. If he EVER answered it, even if he answered it just. like. you. I’d be THRILLED! Tell Victor he really doesn’t appreciate you enough.

  1306. I SO want your book, and yeah, I know I could go out and buy it but not get it from you SIGNED, so I comment and then I get sad because I see all the zillion comments. PLEASE PICK ME! 🙂 You’re so awesome, either way, and I never answer my phone either. That’s what texting is for. Obviously.

  1307. Phones are intrusive and annoying. My husband and I always laugh together about it and refuse to answer most of the time. Then one day I was out in the yard with my son and the phone was ringing and ringing and ringing. I never answered it on principle, and because I was too lazy to get up. Eventually my husband drives up in a completely wrecked clunker, only it was our new car. Turns out, he had been in an accident and that had been him calling. Boy, was he pissed that I didn’t answer the phone! Luckily, he was fine. The car, not so much.

  1310. My phone quacks. Like, my ringtone is the quacking of a duck. A common mallard, if I had to guess, but I am no very knowledgeable about ducks.

    Anyway, it’s both awesome and terrible. It makes me pay attention to my phone, but also makes me NOT want to answer it because, seriously, who doesn’t want to listen to a duck quacking over and over? Sometimes I think that if I let it quack long enough maybe the quack would change and become melancholy or something, but then voicemail picks up and ruins it.

    The bottom line here (is there a bottom like here?) is that your phone should quack like a duck. It will either get you to answer it more, or provide fodder for another hilarious Jenny vs. Victor battle of the crazy-awesome vs. the patient and saner-awesome. Win, win, really.

    Also, give me a paperback book with an extra chapter that I want to read but I have the Kindle edition of the hardcover so I don’t have the extra chapter or even a physical book to hold and stroke lovingly while I think about important things like taxidermy and hilariousness. PLEEEEEAAAAAAASE!

  1311. And yet, in the midst of what is a terrible time for you, you manage to make us laugh. Thanks, and congratulations on your continued success!

  1314. I was going to write a witty comment, but then I totally forgot what I was going to say because this box appeared for me to type into.

  1315. I am from Oklahoma and would donate my unsigned copy of your book to a tornado victim who needed multiple laughs. (And I would keep the signed copy for myself. I never claimed to be a saint.)

  1316. Ok so I should win because it is my 45th birthday today which means I am officially middle aged and about to start that slid down the slippery slope into old age. And it’s Thursday!

  1317. Oh, to be a fly on the wall in your house Jenny. I think I would just burst with excitement, happiness, and… sorry if that sounds stalkerish! Don’t worry though, I live nowhere near you and I am poor. And the internet is telling me that stalkerish is not a word! Whaaaa! 🙂

  1319. I’m incapable of *not* answering my phone, which frequently leads to me being ticked off by people interrupting me and wanting to chat while I’m watching Doctor Who.

  1320. I would LOVE to get one of your books! I am desperate to read it! 🙂 I should totally win because my Girl Scouts are putting on a Red Dress event. 😀

  1322. Apparently I sound like you. I’ve had three different people tell me not reading your book is like sitting next to me. Should I be flattered or scared? I do think you’re awesome. By two copies of your book but I’d love to win signed one!!!

  1324. I’ve had pet horses my entire life. They don’t eat meat so your face is safe. Unless your face has grass or hay or grain or carrots or apples on it. If that’s the case run fast. Very fast. Because horses are seriously fast…

  1325. Oh, Lord, but you are hysterical! I reread this post 3 times and laughed out loud each time. I already have your book, but would be willing to purchase something by (wait till I scroll up to read his name again)……

    Oh yeah, Neil Gaiman. I’m sure he is really, really good!

  1327. I have a friend who never answers her phone. Even when I was supposed to spend Christmas with them she wouldn’t answer her phone to let me know what was going on. I thought I was going to have to kill her when she finally called me on Christmas day….

  1328. I just want to say thanks for always making me laugh with your posts. Honestly, no matter how shitty a day can be, I can just pull up your site and read new AND old posts over and over. Don’t ever stop being neurotically awesome.

    And Neil Gaiman IS amazing!

  1329. I think that would be terrible to have kittens go extinct and have your face eaten off by horses! Much better if reversed. Not that I have anything against horses per se, they are magestic and all. But if I had to choose between my face eaten off by horses or kittens, then kittens FTW. It would be the cutest act of terror ever.

  1330. Thank you! Also having a less-than-stellar week and now my sides hurt (in a good way)!

  1331. Penguins are not fish, even though they do swim underwater.

  1332. I hope your days get better. If Neil Gaiman is the dark cloak of night, you are the stars glittering the sky. xox

  1333. Your Amazing, and tell Victor Im glad you didn’t answer your phone…..

  1335. Book please! This is the first time I’ve seen your blog and I need a new good book!

  1336. Please, oh PLEASE tell me that Victor has a single brother who likes plump, middle-aged women who secretly believe that her pets are trying to figure out just how to work a door knob so that they can smother her in her sleep and take over the house for themselves as their little inter-species love nest. Not that I judge them for their inter-species love, you understand. I just think they’d rather have the house to themselves. But they can’t open doors…and they can’t drive to buy their own food. So, maybe they won’t smother me, but instead try to brainwash me into believing that I am THEIR servant. Anyway, not important, really. Just love Victor and want to have him cloned! Of course, I love you too, Jenny. You ARE my hero.

  1337. You probably won’t see this BUT… I had a copy of your book but I loaned it to a friend and never got it back. ‘Twas ok though because her sister needed it more than I did. She said it helped her keep her sanity while visiting her dad (he has cancer, won’t be with them long). But I miss it! 🙁 LPTNH is a must read…over and over and over and over……

  1338. Please don’t let horses eat off your face…. the kittens need you to save them from extinction.

  1339. I am all out of funny for the day, so just leaving a comment. 🙂

  1341. I am totally stealing all your explanations for why I never answer my phone, next time my fiance growls in frustration at me… or emails me to tell me to turn on my phone. I just thought you should know. If I can’t prove myself capable of hearing and locating (and answering my phone) at least I can confuse him. Thanks!

  1342. Thanks, Jenny – I needed that belly laugh today. And I’d love a copy of your book! Also, I never answer my phone either.

  1345. I too am having a bad week, but you help make it better, I don’t feel so alone in my craziness! I am glad to have your blog…I listened to your book and didn’t want it to end because I felt like I was gonna lose a friend. You help…Thanks!

  1346. Just never ever stop writing. Please. Yuo probably don’t hear this often enough but your crazy keeps me sane. <3

  1347. I love your blog, but it always makes me so sad when you’re having a bad week. Hopefully the massive number of comments helps cheer you up, too.
    This is the first time I’ve commented, so I want to tell you. That post about the dead pony? And the one with the giant rooster knocking on the door? I was reading that in a staff meeting and was chortling and almost choked on my own spit because I was trying to hold in my laugh. Also, did I mention I worked at a church? And my boss/pastor wanted to read what was so funny? Yeah. That’s true.

  1348. My parents instituted a “24 hour rule”– I have 24 hours to return a call and then they call the state police. Maybe Victor would accept that as a compromise– 1 call every 24 hours?

  1349. Seriously hilarious!!!! I needed that laugh today. I love reading your posts!!!

  1350. I already have all Neil Gaiman’s books. I’ll take a signed one. You can make it out to Professor Assholio 🙂

  1351. thank god for strange men, cos without them what would strange girls do

  1352. If your book is remotely like your posts, I either need to find it in one of the crappy stores around here or get over my allergy to online shopping.

    Hope next week is better and answer the phone whenever you want!

  1353. You are my sunshine on days like today when I just don’t think I’m gonna make it until bedtime!! thanks for that and SOOOOO much more!!!

    mmmmmwah!

  1354. I’m entering a one_in_1200-some-odd contest, yay!! I’m totally not going to win, but thats fine. I bet your book is freaking brilliant. Like your blog. I will buy your book someday (assuming I “don’t win”, which, yeah…I know I’m not gonna).

  1355. I just recently started using Twitter and somehow your name popped up as a person I should follow. So now I’m following, you, Tom Hanks, Apollo Ono, and the cute Scott McGillvary from Income Properties, and a few others who, frankly, should be alot more interesting than they are, but I have to say, yours is the best by faaarrrrr!

    Plus, I want to be in the drawing for the book because it’ll take forever if I have to wait on the reserve list at the library. 🙂

  1356. My husband Todd completely understands this rant. According to him, I never answer the phone. I do, but when I feel like it. At least it is on most of the time. He really gets irate. My thoughts are that40 years ago we wouldn’t have had this option – he can wait a few hours to ask me face to face. By the way – loved the book (though I will happily take another signed one since my original one grew legs and wandered off…enriching other lives) and can’t wait for your next one.

  1357. Thank you for giving me something to laugh about (at?) on a very bad day.

    I would love a copy of your book.

  1360. Love your blog and your book! omg i was hysterically laughing at this post!!!

  1362. So here’s the thing. I work at a Library. A School Library… and instead of doing Library things I’m sitting here at the circulation desk reading this… cracking up hysterically. I guess I should say laughing hysterically because if I were cracking up you should either admit me to a 9-step program or just call my humpty-dumpty. Regardless of this minor detail…. but this reminds me of whenever my mother calls. I just don’t answer… except the fact that I usually see it ring, and I’m just like ugh. Again? It used to be so bad I would get seven voicemails a day asking if I died… and I’m all like I’m at work or I’m in class or I’m sleeping. Sleeping is usually my go to. Who could argue against that? She lives two hours away. How the hell would she know if I was sleeping or not. Anywho…. thanks for the laughs 🙂

  1363. The longest game of Monopoly played in a moving elevator lasted 384 hours. Just thought you should know. Also, I am a giant fan of your blog. 🙂 Have a great day!

  1364. Peanuts, ostrich feathers, flat tire, blueberries, and fake vomit.

  1365. I have your book on my kindle but would love a signed copy because I could read it over and over like Catcher in the Rye.

  1366. My delightful friend Holly is ALSO having a completely shitty week, so this is me entering to win your signed book on her behalf. She could absolutely use the pick-me-up.

  1367. i have had this conversation, except where “why don’t you ” is, it would read “why don’t you “. . . I don’t know – because I don’t want to empty the dishwasher. . . well, and because you do it for me.

  1368. Oh, I’d love to win a signed copy! I got your book for my Kindle and laughed my ass off, and have been wanting the physical copy ever since.

    Congrats, btw! 🙂

  1369. I love reading your blog when I’m trying to distract myself from thinking about something else – you always make me laugh and (for a short while) I forget what I was worried about! Thank you Jenny!

  1372. I’m dying laughing at this because I’m the same way. I never hear my phone when it’s in my purse and I’m out somewhere. Half the time I don’t hear it if I’m in the next room and it’s laying on the desk. My husband has learned if I don’t answer my cell to just call the house line. I hear that loud ass phone just fine (plus I have 2 handsets, which helps).

  1373. I can definitely relate. I mean, I’m running around all day saving orphans from burning buildings too, but all anyone ever notices is that I don’t answer my phone!! My genius is wasted on this universe!

  1375. My boyfriend will answer his phone but absolutely refuses to listen to voicemails. Took me years to just hang up after the 4th ring.

    Reading how you drive Victor insane makes me so happy. So incredibly happy. Thank you.

  1376. this is awesome. now I have a whole new litany of excuses why I don’t answer my phone- usually its something boring like I was taking a shower or walking the dog- these are WAAYY more creative.

  1378. I love your writing, you consistently make me laugh out loud, and I would be absolutely thrilled to have a copy of your book!

  1379. I need this book!!! I will be on an airplane with my mother-in-law for 4 hours. Help.

  1381. I think it would be hilarious to start doing this to annoy people. I’m kind of a terrible person.

  1382. My Gf (who after I read your book via her kendle account, im fairly certain you two are actually sisters anf were tragically seperated at birth), would damn near die of sheer joy to recieve a signed copy of your book or just a signed picture of beyonce lol. By the way speaking of the giant metal chicken, has anyone noticed the growing popularity of them since your book came out?

  1383. I don’t know what to say except we are grateful to have your stories to read. I hope that gives you enough happiness to get you through this next dark time.

  1385. You make me laugh all. the. damn. time. And things are not to hot right now. So, thanks for that, I needed it.

    Also, you should know that my brother in law was lamenting what he should get his wife for their anniversary. They have been married 14 years. I bet you know what I told him. 😉

  1387. Anything is the name of a soft drink in Singapore. It apparently is shelved next to Whatever. 😉

  1389. I really hope I get to meet you one day to tell you how much you have helped me but I know your appearances are always packed and I don’t do well in crowds. I guess I could just go to the bathroom at one of your appearances I would probably have a better chance of meeting you there anyway.

  1390. SOOOOOOOO glad I’m not the only one who has these arguments with my husband. I’ve tried to argue that I grew up in an era when telephones stayed in one spot, and didn’t need to be charged because THEY WERE ALWAYS PLUGGED IN, and if I still had a phone that I could count on like that, then I might answer it when it rang (or at least screen the caller ID and answer if it was someone interesting). But no, we have now traded all that security for tiny fickle little computers that inject our brains with cancer and conspire against us to suddenly lose all battery charge or tower just at the moment we need them the most. Plus because we have said tiny computers, failure to answer your phone for 20 minutes no longer means, “oh, she must be in the shower, or enjoying the sun in the backyard, or putting out a fire that spontaneously erupted in the oven(I plead the 5th), or maybe saving kittens from rabid bears, and she’ll call me back when she gets my message on the answering machine.” Instead it has become “she MUST have been mangled in a horrible accident since her tiny computer is not glued to her eardrum! Let me call her again EVERY 20 SECONDS until the paramedics answer to confirm my worst nightmare.”

  1391. I hope your week gets better, thank you for being such an inspiration for people with anxiety!

  1393. I really hope I get to meet you one day to tell you how much you have helped me but I know your appearances are always packed and I don’t do well in crowds. I guess I could just go to the bathroom at one of your appearances I would probably have a better chance of meeting you there anyway. I will bring some vodka and the ingredients to make smores we can build a fire in a bathroom right?

  1394. Sorry it’s a bad week. Remember, depression lies. I read that somewhere on the internet, once.

  1395. I’m reading a book by Neil Gaiman right now!! Well, not RIGHT now. Right now I’m writing this comment so I can get a copy of your book. Which I will read later. After I’ve finished the Neil Gaiman book.

  1396. I called in sick to work today. I was partially sick. Sick of work. However, I cleaned my house. Cleaned it like company was coming this weekend. Which means, I will have nothing to clean this weekend, and it would be a perfect time for me to read a book. Not just any book, but YOUR book. I would like that very much, please.

  1398. Well, two signed copies is twice as good. So another will fit right in with the one I already have.

  1399. I strongly identify with Victor. For some reason I always thought that the “mobile” part of “mobile phone” meant you could always keep it with you and turned on. My partner always manages to leave it at home or turned off. Even when it’s turned on it’s in other room or in the house while he’s outside where he can’t possibly hear it ring.

  1400. Me me me? Love love love you you you!!
    Me love you.

    I had to make it even. OCD and all.

  1402. I’m not sure what I would do with a spouse that patient with my weirdness.

  1403. You are Awesome!!!! Your blogs always make my day and I’ve always got to read the comments for more laughter! btw I’m voting for Dan’s gf to get a signed copy of your book because I give him props for reading you on her recomendation – although I read some of the Victor conversations outloud to my bf because they are sooo us I haven’t been able to convince him to read it on his own – I think he’s scared to realize there are more people out there like me!

  1404. y’know, sometimes i forget how much awesome-ness there is out there. thanks for reminding me!

  1405. Love you, love the writing, love the giant rooster, and would love, Love, LOVE to have a copy of your book!

  1407. Was having a bad week myself: brakes failing on car, took cats to vets (which led to one cat requiring a blood test, but she doesn’t like to be handled, so, naturally, it took them 15 minutes, + a kitty straight jacket bag, to get the freaking blood, which led to me getting them home & the little man-handled kitty going ape shit one the slow, fluffy & cute, but would never survive outside the safety of my apt, for days, so of course I had to separate them, which was depressing for all of us, really), blood test says her liver is screwy, & now I have to give her pills (on top of all the crap I bought to make her happy/calm/stoned as hell so she’d stop growling/hissing), & try not to freak out that she’s sick, cuz my stress affects their stress…a stressful 4 days that cost whole lotta moneys. and then I made a new friend. She’s awesome. And has an inoperable brain tumour. She’s 41. So, she wins.

    Also, I’m with Victor on this one. I probably would have beat you with your phone by now, or had one implanted into your head so you had no choice but to answer, because the ring tone would be something that would make you want to stick a pencil in your ear to stop it. People worry when you don’t answer. Not answering gives them ulcers (cuz the worried people are probably Olympic class worriers like me), and then they’ll have to name their ulcer after you. Victor probably has a Jenny ulcer.

    Glad your book news put a better spin on your week.

  1408. I loved your book…. It was fairly reminiscent of my own childhood, it made me remember hoe my dad would shoot squirrels, and cut off their tails, and give them to the cats to play with. And we (my two sisters and I) would also play with. We called them taily-poes, for some reason. He also had a freezer full of hawks that he had shot, that were threatening to the homing pigeons he raced. Highly illegal. To shoot hawks. Don’t tell anyone.

  1410. I just bought your book in the Portland airport and laughed all the way across the country. My poor seatmates must have thought I’d lost it.
    I love me some Neil too…

  1412. I’d love to have a new copy of your book, as I just gave away my old copy to someone who needed it more than me. Hope things get better. 🙂

  1414. I have taken more calls from cell phones than I can ever count, ’cause I take 911 calls for a living. I take butt calls all day damn long. I hear people sing along with the car radio. badly. i hear kids in the lunch room in school. it makes a very distinctive sound. I hear conferences in offices discuss minutia of contracts. construction workers outside on job sites. baby playing with Mom’s phone. shoppers at the mall. did I mention the kids? get lots of pocket dials from them on the walk home from school. Hear dad talk to his little girl in their backyard while playing soccer and tell her that she can be anything she wants in the world, including being president. (best overheard call ever. much better than the sex ones).
    so give Victor my number. I always answer on the first ring. even when he doesn’t know he’s calling.

  1415. I’m sorry your week is shit. My week last week was similar. I watched the Dr. Who episode where Rose sees the Earth blown up and meets Cassandra and the Face of Bo for the first time and for some reason it helped put it in perspective. Plus, it has Christopher Eccleston, who is secretly my favorite Doctor. (Yes, yes, I know it’s heresy to say that – it must be David Tennant or Tom Baker, but I like Christopher Eccleston.)

  1416. I can’t get anyone in this house to hang up the damp clothes from the dryer so I can continue to lie on the couch and read your blog.

  1417. So, where are these face-eating horses getting the bath salts from? I’m assuming it’ll be horses in Florida.

  1419. I’d love a copy of your book because we’re too poor from having children and living in an expensive city for me to afford to buy it and it’s taking bloody forever to get through the library wait list.

    Also, I just found out my co-worker is a fan of yours and if I won your book I’d lend it to her or convince her to buy it. Whatever you’d prefer.

  1422. My husband never answers, but also doesn’t clever responses to make it more enjoyable.

  1423. My bf never answers his phone either. It’s actually faster to email him… I checked my phone just now and there’s been one outgoing call to him in like two months.

  1424. I freeking love you. Like as much as I love my husband. and my life would be like a billion trillion times better if I owned your book. Want a picture of me and my kids holding twine? It’s not like I’m famous or anything, but I am pretty awesome 😉

  1425. ummm… yea… like I will ever win your book. I should probably go buy it, or check it out from the library. But if I win it, I’d love to read it. If you have the German edition, even better.

  1426. I’m a major phone hater. If you know and love me – and really want a response – you’ll text or email me.

  1427. I love cake!! Anyways, sorry about your week, but the whole not answering the phone bit made me laugh. I’m like that too. I’m having a bla day and it certaintly cheered me up!

  1429. Sorry your day has been sucky, mine has been too. Your book would totally cheer me up though!

  1430. This is hilarious. It is the 21st century though, so maybe having your phone constantly accessible is to be expected. Your relationship with your husband sounds so great.

  1431. This has not been a good month. In generalities: tons of family drama, tons of work drama, acres of neighborhood drama. You book is looking like its more sane and normal than my month has been at this point. If I have to deal with all of this stuff, I at least want entertainment.

  1432. I just ordered your book and I never win. Thanks for making me laugh 🙂

  1433. My mom got her lip practically bit off by a horse, so having your face eaten by one is TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE and reason enough to NEVER answer your phone, because what if you answer your phone BUT IT IS REALLY A HORSE?! *chomp chomp* I am shuddering for you. Also: xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoooooxoxoooxoxoxoxoxoxox (because there are never enough hugs and kisses in the day) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooooxoxoxoxoxoooxooxoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1434. So, I already have your book for my Kindle, but I do not have a real hold-it-in-your-hands (or, my own, rather) book.
    And, if it makes you feel any better about the balance of phone-answering in the universe, my hubster’s name is Victor – and he never answers his phone.

  1435. I give — totally unsuccessful in googling the barstools. Where did you find these? (And your book would be nice too.)

  1436. This is EXACTLY how this went down with my wife. Except her name is not “Victor”.

  1437. Today the GM emailed all 100 people at work to say that there were croissants and chicken wings in the break room. There were about 13 croissants and 5 chicken wings in a take-out box. I think he just brought in his leftovers from last night.

    In other news, I would love to have a signed copy of your book!

  1442. I tried calling you. Answer the phone. What if your cats need you. Or my cats. Or… Me …btw you should call me .
    Mmm

  1443. Getting a signed copy of your book would be as amazing then the package that arrived today from my friend full of Pocky and other Asian treats!

    Feel better hun. I think sucky weeks call for 10ccs of watching Doctor Who while snacking on ice cream! <3

  1444. Hope that kittens don’t go extinct, that would be sad. The horse thing too, of course! I’ve been plugging the hell out of your book for weeks- you actually have a fan base amongst a group of geeks at Microsoft. Well done. (and FWIW, plugging the hell out of something isn’t even remotely naughty!). Thank you for your words!

  1445. I already have your book but if you give me a signed copy I promise to give the old one away because I’ve been pestering friends that they HAVE to read it. Like, a lot.

  1447. I forget my phone all the time and im the only one who doesnt seem to care. I dont want to talk to anyone so why do i need a pbone

  1448. I decided not to leave a comment so as to increase the chances for the rest of you to win. But, then I had to leave a comment just to tell you this, so I’m not sure if I fucked it all up now. I’ll let you decide.

  1450. I just started re-reading your book for the third time. I read it once when it first came out last April, again last June to get me through a really shitty summer and now that I have the paperback I feel the need to keep it in my bag take it with me where ever I go (I’m also trying to read Watership Down for the first, but keep reaching for your book) I guess it’s become my security (perhaps comfort-y is a better term?) blanket. I don’t mean this in a weird, stalker way, but I makes feel better to know that if I need support, it almost like reading the book of a good friend, in that warm fuzzy way. Again, nothing weird, but it has helped.

    I don’t really need another copy of your book, so if pick my comment, please pass your book on to someone else who may really need to smile, like I did. I just wanted to finally say Thank You for helping me when I desperately needed it.

    Amy

  1451. I’m picturing you with your ankle on the shoulder of a police officer. It sounds like a strange porn setup, but I’m sure you could find a buyer, basing it on a true story about a potentially real story. Think about that, and call me.

  1452. omg, i am totaly trying going to make up random shit for when i don’t answer my phone (which according to my husband, is never)….i’ll think of it like a new exercise and if I suck at it I’ll have to apologize to him for not answering (which we all know I DON”T want to do) and if I think of something funny I’ll crack myself up (we all know he will still be pissed I didn’t answer). Game on.

  1453. It’s really too bad that you have caller ID, because otherwise you could just use my excuse and say, “I didn’t want to answer just in case you were a telemarketer or someone looking for me to give them money.” Nobody can argue with you not wanting to talk to telemarketers.

  1455. I was having a lousy day, and then I came home, and glued some things to some other things (art project), and my day got better. Must have been strong glue…

  1456. I just want to say that I love you!.Not in a creepy “who is this woman” way , but love just the same.

  1457. You are my idol, seriously though, my idol. My cat, Sammi, or as I call her Satan, might tend to disagree because she feels like you don’t nearly share enough about your cats, and she also kinda wants a magic unicorn horn for herself (she is jealous like that). She has attempted multiple times to kill me, twice down the stairs and my thoughts are she would really love thumbs for Christmas, then she can kill the dog and me. I read your book months ago and I’ve got to say I’ve spread the word about how life changing your book is. And by life changing I mean you might want to read it in private because if you read it in public you may wet yourself, and frankly who will let you live that down. You are the best and I wish you the best in everything you do. Hopefully a book two sometime!!!

  1458. Centaurs are awesome!
    I sent your blog link to my daughter who created her own major in college…Mythology and Folklore: The Study of Beasts Real and Imagined….I think she fits in the world perfectly, just like the rest of us who appreciate humor.
    Your blog is becoming the bees knees on her college campus! The bar stools would make a grand graduation gift but I bet the shipping would be an arm and a leg or 2.. I’ll keep an eye out for a stuffed squirrel in a graduation cap & gown holding a pitch fork (she’s a Blue Devil) to mount on the wall of her 1st apartment instead.
    The ultimate would be an autographed copy of your book. Pick me, pick me…ok, that’s a bit shameless but it’s so much fun to raise my hand and shout it out like a classroom of eager kids who believe with all their might they are right every time.
    You make my day, everyday! I hope book 2 is in the works.

  1459. I’m honestly only commenting to get a chance to win a signed copy of your book, which you probably already surmised, so I will end the creepy stalker comment before it gets too awkward for either of us. Also, could awkward be anymore awkward to say or spell? Seriously its a pretty messed up word, it think it is secretly one of those words that actually sounds like its meaning… Awkward.

  1460. Wow. I already have your book (and several by Neil Gaiman, thankyouverymuch), so why not donate that $15 to Partners in Health or Doctors Without Borders?

  1461. You are insanely awesome. Thank you for bringing joy to an otherwise craptacular day

  1463. I’d really like to eat some salsa, but then I’d have yucky onion aftertaste in the morning and I hate that. Conundrum.

  1465. You may not answer the phone reliably, but I can alway rely on you to make me smile…ok, laugh out loud and make others look at me like I’ve lost my mind, but it’s worth it! Oh, and I think you better start planning for the next thoughful gift from Victor, which is likely to be a bluetooth headset to tie you to your phone without being accused of attempting to kill you with toxic tape. Maybe there are hazards associated with bluetooth devices.

  1466. Why would anyone answer a phone if they have voicemail? Just leave a message!

  1467. I got yelled at by a district attorney today. My day really sucked.

  1469. You may not reliably answer the phone, but I can always rely on you to make me smile and laugh out loud so that people look at me like I’m crazy. It’s totally worth it! I think you should have a plan for dealing with Victor’s next thoughtful gift, which is likely to be a Bluetooth headset to tie you to your phone without being accused of trying to kill you with poison tape. There must be a study that found hazards related to Bluetooth headsets.

  1470. I love, love, love your conversations with Victor. You two are THE BEST.

    And I’d like a(nother) copy of your book, because I’ve given away/loaned out all three copies I’ve purchased so far. Please!

  1471. You’re so funny, but if I was Victor I would’ve lost my mind after the 10th time you didn’t answer your phone.

  1473. answering the phone is overrated, thats why they have voice, funny thing thou I don’t use that either

  1474. I totally agree about Neil Gaiman! I want to read Ocean At The End Of The Lane. I have a HUGE crush on him :/

    Also, I’m a sad person. Because I always take my calls…mostly. Sometimes the phone just tones down itself a notch. Maybe it wants to get you screamed at or something….
    My head isn’t working. Because I’m having a super shitty week myself.

  1475. You make me laugh and I love that about you. I hate that my fiancé never answers the phone. I’m assuming you interviewed him for this article. 🙂

  1482. So, if you gave me this book, I’d totally build a shrine around it made from the skins of dead horses and pencils that have no erasers.. you know how when you REALLY need an eraser and its been I guess (erased?) down to the metal so you bite it and a little comes out enough to erase the curse word you wrote that you don’t want the minister to see on your prayer request to get the evil seagulls away from your bathroom window? Yeah those. The walls would totally be held together by those awesome pencils. I’d decorate it with scratch-and-sniff pickle stickers and post-it notes from guys in jail. Then I’d read it to my kids at night when they go to bed because they’re just as screwed up as I am and do things like scream, ‘I’d like poop!’ when the McDonalds person asks what they can get for us today, or kiss the hot end of a hair dryer and get blisters on their lips.

  1484. my eyes are dialated so i hope you can make sense of this since i cant spell check. Pick me so i have something to look forward to when i regain my sight.

    p.s. congrats.

    p.p.s. you should make your post in larger font so those of us that just went to the dr. can read the blog w/o squinting.

  1485. At first, I thought it said winners would get signed corpses. If done carefully, that could be awesome.

  1486. Maybe you can improve your week by hanging out with my horses. They hardly ever eat faces!

  1487. I wish I had such witty comebacks for my husband. You are Hi.larry.us !!!

  1490. Oh pretty pretty please! For me! It’s SAT time and I could use something to keep me from exploding!

  1491. Couldn’t one attach the phone to the ankle with that stuff you use to wrap a sprain? Not to give Victor any ideas…do I automatically lose if I help him out? Darn! I really want a book!

  1492. Ok I’m commenting on the lack of book rewards from the last contest you held but never announced any winners of. You’re a book tease.
    Please disregard any snark, I’ve been shut down by 3 different places looking for a job today alone and want to bite something ferociously.

  1493. you’re the best, Jenny!! and I really want to read your book.

  1494. I i don’t really need your book anymore, because I got a giftcard for my birthday and then I immdeiately ordered your book and red it. While giggling. And laughing. And even a bit of crying. However, I have the kindle edition, soif I won, I would just create a library of one book and be the librarian. Which I don’t think would be too difficult, because there would only be one book to keep track of. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’d make a terrible library. Maybe I should put instruction in the book to tell people to lend it forward… that’s not quite as fun as making people read it and then learning about their delight, but it may be a betterplan.

  1495. I haven’t read anything by Neil Gaiman. What would you recommend for me to read first? I have your book already, but I would love another copy. Or a paperback copy for myself, because I have the hardback and want the extra chapter. Because I am greedy.

  1496. I hope you are having a better week!

    I am going to hold onto some of these ideas for when I get yelled at for not answering the phone!

    Congrats…your book is AWESOME!

  1497. Well . . . I would really love to have a copy of your book. The ones that I already had, I either gave to the intended recipients or I was required to return to the library. I would say that I would love to read your extra chapter – but I cheated: I read the new chapter in a bookshop today, Warwick’s (yes, it really does have an apostrophe in its title) in La Jolla, CA. I am being honest, although that does not always work so well. I do not want to spend many years of my life in debtor’s prison – so Dickensian IMHO – hence I normally have about 20 to 30 books out of library at time rather than buying every book that I fall in love with. BTW Terry Pratchett is every bit as awesome as Neil Gaiman, just differently awesome.
    Thank you for giving away another book to one of us!

  1498. I missed you when you were in cincinnati (loved the wkrp post!) because my husband was running a James Bond rappel for Toyota at the freedom center at the same time. i tried to get him to reschedule but apparently rappeling as james bond for Toyota is kind of a big deal. If I send you pictures, will you send me a book???

  1500. I love the conversations between you and Victor. This one and the one about Hamburgler….pure genius!

  1501. Some timesnI wish we still had a house phone and no voicemail so I could ne chronically “blissfully unaware.” Sounds fabulous.

  1502. I truly wish my husband was clever enough to think of these replies every fucking time his mother and father call. You are a genius.

  1503. Just wanted to say thanks to you, my browsing history has numerous sites that sell “horse ass barstools” – google is either an amazing thing or a dangerous weapon

  1505. I have a job where I’m on call 24 hours a day for suicidal teenagers. So sometimes I spend all day doing therapy with them at their houses, and then all night talking them into using what we learned in therapy a few hours earlier. Or, you know, talking about how unfair it is to be a teenager. It’s, like, so hard…you know? Like serrrrrously.

    What I’m saying is that I hate the phone more than you do. So, so much more.

  1506. This is a win-win. Your book or something by Neil Gaiman? Sign me up!

  1507. Thank you for making sad people everywhere a little bit happier.
    I’d be even happier if I had an autographed book.

  1509. I never answer my cell phone. But then it is hard to because it is almost never charged. It has become a very expensive weight in my bag. My husband has just learned to call my work number. Of course I never answer that either, but at least it is not dead and I do check my voice mail … sometimes.

    Actually I kind of wish Alexander Graham Bell (or that other guy that no one remembers) ever invented the phone. It kind of sucks. I always expect bad news and what with kidnappers and all. And whenever I call my mom it just makes her have to go to the bathroom, so then I have to call her back, which just causes more anxiety. And if I wait too long, well then she has to go again.

  1510. Am I the only one who gets phone calls when they’re busy and thinks, “Gah, why can’t you just text me like a normal person!” I hate talking on the phone, and I pretty much only call people after we’ve established a time that’s convenient for us both via text. It feels like calling someone randomly these days is just rude.
    I
    I have all the sounds except my ringer turned off, and it only takes one touch to turn off my ringer. You know, just in case I get kidnapped, and I have to stuff my phone down my pants to hide it. When escaping from human traffickers, you don’t want to be caught because of an unfortunate weather alert ping.

  1512. I need another copy of the book. I have an unnatural and unnerving relationship with “LJPTNH”. I first read it from the public library, so someone bought it, but not me. Then I loved it so much I bought the CD set for my sister in law. She loaned it back to me so I could hear your voice. One of my cats threw up on it so I then bought two copies of the paperback, one for my sister in law and one for me. As far as I know her copy is OK. One of my cats, probably not the same one as before but I’m not sure, pissed on my copy so I never got to read the extra chapter. So please pick me and I’ll keep it in the cat-free freezer. Unless they figure out a way to ruin that too…

  1513. I hope someone invents an ankle phone holster now just so the whole police calling Victor from your ankle thing can happen.

  1514. I’d love to win. As the countdown begins to my son’s June wedding, there’s not a person around me that’s not having a meltdown. I need to disappear into your book…

  1515. I didn’t know what kind of comment to leave, and then tonight we talked about methamphetamine at dinner with our 10 year old, and I wanted to tweet about it and my husband said, “Uh…hell no,” and I thought, “Hey, this whole evening sounds like something Jenny would say!” so…um…thanks for all you do.

  1516. That’s why my husband loves our house phone..I can’t turn off the ringer

  1517. LOVED meeting you in Seattle! I have a signed copy of your book and an amazing picture with you that I immediately plastered on fb. Thank you for making me laugh so hard I cry!

    What the hell is up with our men and expecting us to answer phones? I am well known for leaving the “ringer off”…seriously it is the only (somewhat) believable excuse when I don’t want to chat!

  1519. Sorry about the hard week. I can’t account for horses, but I think that life would lose meaning if kittens were to become extinct.

  1520. okay, until coming here tonight, I thought I was the only person in the world with a phobia about telephones. I never answer mine, and I never listen to voicemail, and I never call anyone. Everyone who knows me… and there are very few, see above re: phones… knows this. And still they call. Email me, send me a postcard, sometimes texting works, just randomly showing up at my house works unless I am hiding in the bathroom… but don’t call me. Ever.

    Unless you are going to give me your book, which I already have but I could re-gift it to someone who promises to stop calling me.

  1521. and…this is the reason I text everyone in my family now. And besides I get to be incredibly witty and annoying, esp. with the kids with texts like “POISON, THAT’S WHAT WE ARE HAVING FOR DINNER!!”

  1522. I have a tape allergy story. I was tapering off of a medication, and one of the side effects of tapering was massive anxiety. While on the taper, I went to my physical therapist, who applied physiotherapy tape to my feet. The tape actually helped quite a bit, but when I took it off, I broke out in enormous hives all over the tops and bottoms of my feet. Massive anxiety AND hive-covered feet are a really, really bad combination.

  1523. I never win anything. I challenge you to prove me wrong!

    anyway…

    When Victor complains that you never answer the phone, simply explain to him that your cell phone is for YOUR convenience, not his.

  1524. Thankyou. I’m the Victor in my house, but my spouses responses about his inaility to answer his cell phone aren’t nearly as amusing.

  1525. does it seem greedy or awesome when people who dont normally leave comments only do so when there are free books involved?

    i bet it’s a mix of both. something like, ‘it is so awesome to have all these (greedy greedy) fans.’

  1526. “You can’t begrudge me a few extra hours of blissful ignorance. Why are you in such a hurry to make me grieve for you? It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.”
    Laughed so hard.

    In the unlikely event of kitten extinction my dog will also be very sad, but as he does not have a kitten and loves everyone, he and I would happily come console you. He is extremely furry, friendly, and large. But reacts to change just like a cat with more barking.

  1527. Discovered your blog through your response to the latest Hyperbole and a Half post and I’m so, so glad I did!

  1529. I’m probably the last person on Earth that hasn’t read your book. I have no excuses, but I really, really want to, pretty please!

  1530. This is my first post to ANY website or blog or anything other than personal email. I hope I don’t misspell anything. I hate that. I admire many people, like Jon Stewart and Melinda Gates, but would never actually write to them. I just finished your book (which I bought on my Nook account without knowing what I was getting, just spending money randomly) and was blown away with laughter and compassion. I read parts out loud to my “Victor” in the car. I am not sure if he thought it was funny too or if he was just glad he is married to me. I would love it if you send me a copy but I am going to buy five copies for the women I love most. Thanks for inspiring me. You have a new fan.

  1531. Thank you for continuing your awesome blog and for being so funny- you always lift my spirits up!

  1533. I just bought a copy yesterday, but I’ll take a Neil Gaiman book too!

  1535. Oh god. I am laughing SO HARD right now. Especially at the egg rolls. And Victor’s imaginary death. And the duct tape thing, which is odd since I’m allergic to the ADHESIVE they use on duct tape. And plastic bandages. I can only use fabric bandages. Which is a pain in the ass because they don’t stick as well. I don’t get it.

  1537. I don’t have your book, but I would totally read it and enjoy it if I did. BTW, I love Neil Gaiman too, and do, indeed, read his books. And although I don’t read Dr. Who books, the only reason I had cable for the past year was to watch the Doctor. Sadly, no more cable but that’s what dvds are for, right? Mmm, David Tennant. 🙂 Cheers, and I hope your week gets better by Friday (um, tomorrow).

  1540. So yeah. Equally guilty of the failure-to-answer charge. I’m a newspaper reporter and the running joke at my paper is that it would be easier to get in touch with Obama on a plane than with me.

  1541. I have a fucking migraine. I just said fucking on the interwebs. This is a bad day. If my head doesn’t explode it would love another copy of your book. My copy is being held hostage by my neighbor.

  1542. One day I am going to print all of the blog posts and comments and use them to wallpaper my office in hilarity. It will be fun.

  1543. I wonder what husbands and wives were like when there weren’t any phones. . .just pigeons flying back and forth. Why didn’t you answer my pigeon? lots of better excuses,

  1544. I’ve had a pretty sucky week too, but this post made it a little better. My downstairs neighbors probably think I am crazy since I sit at home with no tv on or any noise and then I randomly bust out in laughter reading your blog. Maybe they are right.

  1546. You make me smile. But if you don’t want to hear that right now, you don’t really make me smile.

  1547. So glad to hear you got a bit of good news in an otherwise awful week. Just embrace the good news when it comes!

  1549. I _so_ feel Victor’s pain. Except in my case, it’s always me saying, “Why do you even _have_ a phone if you never have it with you?” to my wife.

  1550. This blog post was the only thing that has made me laugh this entire day. It has been a shitty week for maybe a lot of the same horrible reasons it was for you. Thank you for the laugh.

  1551. I broke down (too damn impatient) and got a kindle version to read – but I luuuuuuurrrrrrvvvvvvvveeddd it so much and would love love a hard copy!!

  1553. My random comment is………my ggggfather was a Texas Ranger. That is all.

  1554. I would love love LOVE to hurt myself laughing, and also because I’m about to start my very first book club next week with a group of about ten other women and so far I can’t think of a single book… until now. If I have your book to suggest as our first read I think we’ll be off to a great start.

  1555. I really want a signed copy of your book and I have no creative comment to leave. So, there you have it. I want some ice cream.

  1556. Ring! Ring!
    Me: “Hello.”
    Jenny L. (aka Bloggess): “Congrats, you won a copy of my book!”
    Me: “Yeah!!!”

  1557. Shitty weeks suck.
    Whenever I’m having a shitty week and horses are about to eat my face I go back into your archives and read the “You said hold me like *I* wanted to” story. It makes my husband and I laugh so hard Every. Single. Time. we read it. So thank you for that!

  1558. It has been a bastard of a week. I need to pretend this week never happened, so I should probably start by reading your book! Also, my birthday is this weekend, so, you know, birthday present! 🙂

  1559. I know you’ll never pick me to win a copy, cos NO ONE ever picks a random prize-winner from New Zealand, so meh to your giveaway and… Oh wait – maybe grovelling will work instead? Nah…
    Neil Gaiman is fab. So is the gorgeous Amanda Palmer. Just send me $15 already.

  1560. Your giant metal chicken story still makes me laugh ’til I cry… and I think I’ve read it about 3954 times!

  1561. Well, other than the fact that I just wrote a 250 word essay on cellular biology in which I compared the plasma membrane of a cell to the Bridge Keeper in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, this week has been rather uneventful. So, that’s is all I have to say, except that if I win, then my wife, my daughter and I will all have our OWN copy of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.” Knock-knock, Mother F***er

  1562. HEY WORLD,
    I DON’T EVEN OWN A PHONE. SO AT LEAST VICTOR CAN SOMEWHAT COMMUNICATE WITH YOU.
    COULDN’T HE JUST TEXT?????????????????????
    I WANT TO READ THE NEW CHAPTER SO DAMMMMMMM BADLY!!!!!!

    that is all…….

  1563. You have the best posts ever!!! The funny part is I have this exact conversation with my husband all the time. I however am hearing impaired so you would think he would expect it. LOL. Thanks for always cheering up my day and making me laugh!! You are an angel!!

  1564. You should probably not pick me because apparently I am too dumb to understand how giveaways work. I entered the last one and have no idea who won, though I have been reading the posts since then. Or maybe you just email the winning peeps all stealthy-like? In any case, I am also dumb because I totally don’t get this comment form. Why is there a red box around ANY answer I enter in “Website”? I put in the address of a website I own, google, some cats doing adorable stuff, babies v. tigers, websites in other languages, but…nothing. Every answer is WRONG!

    I cry now.

    p.s. I didn’t try porn. Would a site including 18 x’s in the title make the comment form like me?

  1565. I can never hear my phone ringing either so I get a lot of voicemails.

  1567. I bought I five foot chicken after reading your blog for my anniversary (had to have it). Named it Victor. He is so nice and scares the hawks away from my chickens.. Victor somehow had a baby and a baby cactus that my clients from Arizona sent. So there you have it!

  1568. Thank you for being one of the best things on the Internet. Your blog is consistently funny and makes me smile. Hope someone does the same for you during your week of sad (and always).

  1569. My doves have a beautiful lesbian relationship going where they both lay eggs, then sit in the nest together for a couple weeks. When one of them leaves the nest to eat, the other one struggles to sit on all four eggs – but she manages it! We’re considering giving them a fertilized egg, because they seem like they would be good mothers.

  1570. I’m so your husband in this instant. Drives me CRAZY when my bf doesn’t answer my calls/texts.

  1571. Well…poop. I planned on leaving a comment in hopes of a prize but you have so many fans!

    My husband and I have similar conversations about me not answering the phone. Being allergic to tape must suck.

  1572. Yay! I am sending this post to my husband who is constantly riding me to answer my phone, which I’m not even certain actually exists. And, yes! Send me a book!

  1574. I have this convo with my mom about 6 times a week. I’m Victor, she is you. I’m convinced she is dead approximately 6 times a month. Its going to send me to an early grave. Which she’ll not know about until three days later when she ANSWERS THE PHONE finally.

    PS: I want a book! 🙂

  1575. You had me at, “It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.” Love you, my favorite author! I am your number one fan, in a non-creepy, not Kathy Bates in “Misery” kind of way…

  1576. Dear Friend,

    I am happy to inform you that you have randomly been picked on winning “Lets Pretend this Never Happened” [this is what I hope to see in my email box {although it rarely ever boomerangs back, but thought I’d give it a try (and the opportunity to incorrectly use three levels of parenthesis or is it parenthesi?)}].

    Please thank your parents in conceiving a child with such a wonderful brain and thank you for sharing your crazy story with all of us. Big hugs!!!

  1577. I get worried whenever my husband calls. He’s SO not a phone-talker, I assume something’s wrong. That is, when I can find my phone & when the ringer’s on.
    On a separate note, I lent my copy of your book to my best friend, who proceeded to lose it in her move. Sigh.

  1578. I always know another person who could use a copy of your book.

    Also, my best friend is totally you, in relation to phones.

  1579. Horses very rarely eat faces off … although one of mine was licking my face the other day …. shit what if he was all like “i think i should just have a lick and see if im not really a vegetarian and people were just telling me i am” .
    Crap now i am a little scared to go feed my horses tonight.

  1580. So, my mother is a crazy person. Not the good kind, but the bat-shit kind that you want to slap. She’s very immature and selfish and will judge a person for doing something that she does all the time and then she’ll go around talking shit about them all the time. I try to avoid her because she’s a mess and apprarently it’s contagious because now my dad acts nuts too.
    Anyway, a few years ago she decided at the last second that instead of spending Christmas with her vacation home, she’d stay in town and have everyone over. Everyoe except for me and my kids. Now, this was before I was actively avoiding her, and she had always been very rude about being left off any guest list (even though she makes it her personal goal to make everyone she comes into contact with miserable). When I found out I immediately sent a text to one of my best friends. A very nice and patient person that is actually who came with me when I went to your book signing. The text message?
    “My mom can suck a whole bag of dicks.”
    Just out of the blue. Right before Christmas.
    I hope you enjoy a little random horrible story that has nothing to do with what you’re talking about.

  1581. I don’t like horses. I actually don’t like animals that make bigger poops than I do. That’s kind of a rule in our house. If it poops bigger than my poops, then we cant keep it. Thank heavens for petite cat poops!

  1582. I would love a signed copy of your book, I promise to put it on the bookshelf next to my soon to arrive copy of Neil Gaimans new book I preordered… Also I can bring it with me to the signing in person if I manage to get tickets which will probably confuse the hell out of him, until I ask him to pose with a ball of twine which I’m sure he will totally do

  1586. I wish my life was half as amazing as yours seems to be. 😛 Also I would adore a copy of your book!

  1587. Love you Jenny. I don’t think I could have made it through the last 6 weeks without your blog.

  1588. I love you, you’re wonderful.
    And really, keep that “I completely forgot what I was going to say” in mind for next time Victor yells at you for not answering the phone.

  1590. your site consistently brings the following to my day:
    1) a smile and
    2) slight annoyance that I’m not as clever as you

  1591. I read your book when it first came out and even listened to you read it on CDs. I would love to read the bonus chapter, but I really hope you pick Jesse, comment #830. I hope your week improves, since you bring such joy to so many. Take care.

  1592. I’m sorry your depressed because being depressed sucks. You should make brownies from my JOhnny walker brownies recipe because then you’d be depressed with booze and chocolate and that is still sucky but with booze and chocolate. We love you and Saint Victor who obviously has lots of time on his hands if he rings you 40000 times so tell him to make you some boozy brownies.

  1593. I’d love to have these conversations with people but the only person who hasn’t given up on me answering the phone is my bestfriend. I always answer for her. Also, if I won your signed book it would make my 13 year old niece jealous.

  1595. Holy shit, do you see how many comments you have? And you don’t have to give me your book, because I’m graduating with my Master’s degree in 16 days and will BUY your book when I can finally read whatever I want. I do, however, feel compelled to mention that I saw a taxidermy wolf in a pawnshop today and almost bought that motherfucker because of you.

  1596. Me: What if you never answered your phone or read electronic messages? Then you wouldn’t know you were still on the best seller list and I’d never receive your free book.?

    You: I guess you could buy the book or go back to reading Mother Teresa.

    Me: If I were reading Mother I’d probably be helping her save the kids from that burning building, despite the noise from some lady’s constantly ringing cell phone.

    Victor: See! What he said!

    You: What who said? I must not have seen that comment.

  1597. Wow, so many comments. I pictured something different in that last conversation with Victor.. Rather than forgetting what to say, I’m pretty sure he actually had beyonce on the phone calling you, and had instructed her to say ‘ring, ring motherf&%ker’…it was only when you answered that he realised beyonce couldn’t speak. Awkward prank fail.

  1599. Great post! Do I have to curse to be considered for the give-away? Just in case: Maladicat Dominus! (Cursing in Latin is way scarier.)

  1600. Jenny gogive Hailey a hug, I always feel better after I hug my girl:) keep hanging in there your awesome.

  1601. Who needs two books for each of her thumbs? This girl. Wait. I think I messed that one up. Whatever. If you end up picking me I’ll leave a copy of your book in downtown Colorado Springs. There’s a lot of drifters that come through. I think they’d enjoy your book. And then they could say, yeah, my life is hard but at least my Dad didn’t shove his hand up dead squirrels and turn them into puppets. Because that is just weird.

  1603. This is my comment about anything. Because surely I will get picked one of these damn times if I just keep trying. Right? Yay positivity!

    BTDubs, I’m very sorry your week has been shitty. You make my life a little. happier every day, so I want you to be happy. Sending you ALL THE LOVE!

  1604. I like stuff. Especially free stuff. So…..yeah. Hope I win. I already have your book though. So whatever you want to give me is fine with me.

    That’s what she said.

  1605. You are on my List.

    (of 10 amazing people to invite for dinner; not the I Feel Stabby List)

  1607. The New York Times has an article on fireproofing children’s clothing, way back from 1915.

    Apparently there were too many deaths from frolicking around bonfires.

  1609. I accidentally stumbled across your blog a month ago and absolutely fell in love with your wit and wackiness. You’re like a breath of fresh air in a smoggy city and like a much needed cup of coffee in the morning. Thanks for sharing!

  1610. I have had these same conversations with my husband, when will they get it?
    Ps- I need your book so my husband will understand me better

  1612. I just wet me pants laughing. You are the funniest women. Thanks for helping me with my depression.

  1613. I’m totally going to use some of your reasoning on my husband when I don’t answer my phone! Thanks!

  1614. Hey Blogess! You’re the best and I see the validity in all your arguments! Keep on keeping on!

  1615. Stay strong, Jenny. Look at it this way: Your bad week includes being informed of your book’s best-seller status, mine includes being informed my wife may have breast cancer.

    No matter how much we think we’re suffering, there is someone else who is truly suffering. My book has ZERO sales compared to yours. I have no agent, no publisher, no support, no hope. But I’m still swinging.
    You have a legion of fans hanging on your every word. You could publish your grocery list and get 500 hits. If I was to compare my success to yours, I’d probably have to cover myself in honey and wait for fire ants to devour my flesh.

    You’re allowed your dark days, but let’s face it, your life is pretty damn sweet right now. At least you can afford to get all the support you feel you might need. Not to mention, a loving husband and family. The only thing missing is an actual TARDIS.
    All in all, your life rules, Jenny.

  1616. “because normal husbands don’t stick poisonous tape to their wives like some sort of deadly ankle-monitor”
    Hilarious. I almost peed. As usual with your posts. Not because you invoke urine. Oh God, I’ve totally lost control of this, much like my bladder. GAH I’ve got to go now…

  1617. Yeah I have the same conversations with my husband. I HATE answering the phone. Think about it… 99% of the time you’re being interrupted. It’s not his fault, because he can’t see you after all. But really… No matter what, when you call someone it’s being a little intrusive. Like, “hey you YOU YOU YOU TALK TO ME NOW NO MATTER WHAT YOU’RE DOING. Saving a kitten? FUCK THE KITTEN AND TALK TO ME NOW. Hey, YOU. ANSWER!!!!” That’s how I feel when my phone rings. Texting is so much more polite: “hey i know you’re probably doing something so answer me when yiu get a chance.” See?

    In other news, i’ve been lusting after your book so I would love a copy. I wouldn’t even call you to thank you, cause that would be rude. I would text you though, so I need your number. Not your social security number, your cell. See? I’m a nice person. I won’t call you OR steal your identity. I deserve a cookie. Or a book. 🙂

  1618. My husband isn’t sure why I bother having a mobile phone. I tell him it’s to balance the weight in my bag so it doesn’t fall over.

    On a separate note, I’m a stay at home mum to 2 children. I live in Australia. So clearly I need a copy of your book to maintain my sanity before the kangaroos and koalas launch a surprise attack on us.

    Because it would seriously be a surprise – I would expect the bird eating spiders to come for us first.

  1619. I am unnaturally attached to my cell phone and it drives my boyfriend crazy. Except of course, on the rare occasion that HE actually calls me, then that will be the only time that I drop my phone in my bag for a few minutes. Send me a book, please? I love you!

  1620. Ha!

    The other day, after work, my boyfriend and I were going out to dinner with his brothers for birthday celebrations. And we both work in The Loop–so we had to *God forbid* drive into the city instead of commute via train. So he texted me to meet him at the parking garage. And then he texted me where in the parking garage he was. And then he texted me to tell me that it was okay if I was running later. And THEN he texted me, “Please respond to this message so that I know you got it.” AND THEN he G-chatted me to ask if I was getting his texts.

    I responded that I was shopping for new pants because I felt fat and frumpy (even though it was mostly because they had THREE giant gaping holes in the crotch).

    And then he said, “OK.”

    BTW, Thanks for the birthday Tweet! You’re the BEST!

  1621. I HATE answering the phone at home. Just the sound of it ringing shocks me out of whatever i am doing or thinking, or thinking about doing.
    49.9 percent of the time, someone wants to sell me something useless. and overpriced
    49.9 percent of the time it is political call, which annoys me EVEN if i support that viewpoint or candidate, which is becoming more and more rare. of what is left – mostly wrong numbers – who yell at ME because they called the wrong number. Sometimes, it is my husband calling to ask if i want to eat out for supper, which is very sweet, but he can ask me when he gets here.

    I could do a better breakdown, i suppose, but then i would have to listen, and takes notes. Didn’t phones used to be useful???

  1622. I just bought a beaver claw back scratcher. I deserve a book. Do you want a back scratcher, too? I could get you one.

  1623. my husband stays piased at me because I never answer the phone too. I’m also allergic to latex, so taping my phone to my ankle wouldn’t work for me either. I probably am flexible enough though. Just thinking out loud ( or in the comments section of your blog).

  1624. Yet another brilliant example of why your blog is the first place I come to for an upper after a crappy week. Rock on (answering mobiles remains, of course, totally optional).

  1625. I never answer my phone, either. I’ve always hated phones, even when they were still attached to walls. I’ll have to try some of these responses next time my husband fusses. Thanks for the ideas!

  1626. Thank you for, once again, proving that my wife and I are NOT nucking futs and there are other people in this world who have conversations like this. She keeps telling me I need to start my own blog. I keep telling her that Victor and I need to go have a beer and commiserate.
    JCS
    PS, Neil Gaiman does indeed rock. Books aside, his DW episodes?! Awesome.
    PPS, I still blame you for infecting Pintrest with Weeping Angels. 🙂

  1627. Is there such a thing as “I hope next week is better” taxidermy? Now I need to google that just to see what happens. Just in case it doesn’t exist, I hope next week is so awesome you begin to wonder if you’re in the matrix.

  1628. Neil Gaiman rocks, but not as hard as you do!!! You’re the best. I volunteer at my local library and it always makes me happy when I see that someone has put your book on hold. 🙂 It happens frequently.

  1629. I read your book from the library because I’m too poor to buy one 🙁

    P.S. I checked it out multiple times. Also the audio version so I could snort laughter at work, too.

  1630. Hi Jenny! I am sending this email all the way from Australia, ie the place with the awesome beaches, cute koalas and various other animals that will kill you, and not AustrIA. I only discovered your blog a couple of weeks ago, which makes me quite late for the party, but it’s also perfect timing as you’ve just released a book as well! Congrats! I’m about halfway through it but would still love a signed copy as the one I’m reading is from the library…BUT I will also totally buy more copies as gifts; perhaps for my mother in law.
    I’d also like to try the blatant sucking up approach by saying your hilarious, fearless, liberating blog has inspired me to finally start my own… which I will do. Soon. At the moment I’m far too busy reading this great book.
    Very sorry you’re having a shithouse week, hope it improves soon. In the meantime, here’s a great big thank you from the other side of the world for being so awesome.

  1631. I have been reading your blog for about a month now. My absolute favorite is your and Victors texts. This is better than ‘texts from last night’ . . . . oh and I also wanted to say that you are totally awesome. I absolutely love the wil wheaton collating paper amongst other things. your the bees knees. I get on your page when i feel depressed and in about ten minutes whether I had a reason to be depressed or not, i’m not depressed anymore. 🙂 you have a magical gift Jenny. Just magical.

  1632. HA! laughed so hard at this, I can so relate. My library doesn’t even HAVE your book yet, so obvs I’d love a signed copy. You are hilarious.

  1634. Sorry for your shitty week Jenny…positive thoughts being sent your way. Hang in there.

    P.S. I am going to steal some of your excuses for not answering your phone for my husband…he too will be rendered speechless 🙂

  1635. Book me, please? Hmmm. That makes me sound like a stripper, doesn’t it? Not that I wouldn’t be a good stripper. Okay, I’d be the stripper falling over half her clothes. But that’s how the best ones work, right?

  1636. am having a shitty week as well. Hope yours gets better (and mine for that matter)

  1637. I hope kittens don’t go extinct! I’m supposed to be getting two of them in the middle of June.

  1638. Okay, here’s a random comment. Yesterday at work I was having trouble setting the sticky bit on a directory. Then I started thinking about the term “sticky bit” and wondered what kind of inappropriate websites I might encounter were I to google it. Guess what? Total disappointment. What’s up with that, Google? I search for “hot fingers” (a manufacturer of winter wear for your hands) and years later I’m still unable to purge the images of debauchery from my mind’s eye. Go figure.

  1639. I hear you – but never my phone either. I don’t know why. I crank it all the way up but usually don’t hear it and then everyone is pissed at me because I don’t check for texts either. I have definitely set precedent as well.

  1640. You seriously make me laugh on a regular basis, which is a good thing since I really really need a laugh on a regular basis!

  1642. Priceless! My husband always says he “can’t hear the phone” when I call I am so going to show him your blog post. He loves your book almost as much as I do!

    Also, we are disagreeing about the class pet turtle that we are babysitting for the summer. I say it’s planning a coup and we need to make sure it can’t communicate with its turtle brethren. My husband vehemently disagrees. I told him to just wait until the turtle army advanced upon us, they are everywhere!

  1643. i think ‘knock-knock motherfucker’ should be my ringtone…i love you, you make me laugh out loud at work, which gets me wierd looks, but i don’t care!

  1645. Having just found you I don’t know how I ever lived without you! You make me laugh when all I want to do is cry.

  1646. Randomly…..or not so randomly pick me…..who would know you secretly have always….no…ALWAYS AND FOREVER wanted to give me a copy of your signed book! 🙂 Try it……you will love the joy of sending me a copy 🙂 ((fingers crossed that the random magic of the universe wants me to have this))

  1647. What is up with this week, we just had holiday?!?! I hope you get to hide in a blanket fort for the weekend with cupcakes and your favorite Dr Whos!

  1649. Your humor and honest are very refreshing. I love reading your blog, it makes me with we were neighbors! 🙂 Also your success in what you have done is absolutely amazing! Congrats on everything!
    Little sidenote: Its hard to type when a mini pig is trying to eat your hair

  1650. My week has been so shitty too that I can’t even think of anything clever or witty to respond with. Thank you for just being you, because even in your dark times, you are still my flicker of light.

  1651. I hope that fate is well inclined to give me a call.
    After all, since I am Italian, I’ve already had a lot of bad luck in the last period.

    I love your blog and your book!
    P.S. Excuse my bad English, have I already said that I’m Italian?

  1653. I logged on to read your post today and had to read the first sentence twice. I thought you had somehow seen my husband’s texts to me. Apparently I never fucking answer my phone either. I can’t wait to show him!

  1654. My brother has been depressed so I recommended he read your blog. It always makes me laugh. Or cry. Or both. Which is very cathartic no matter how I’m feeling. Also, neither my husband nor I ever answer our phones. We just play phone tag. A lot.

  1655. Being in the “Victor” role when it comes to someone not answering their phone, I can tell you I would be STUNNED if my hubby ever actually picked up my call.

  1656. Can I use your phone non-answering excuses with my family as long as I give you credit? If I can’t you can just email me at marybach@aol.com (and it would be totally worth it and cool just to get an email from you) and if I can, thank you. :o)

  1657. Your posts always make me laugh. Thanks for bringing humor to us peons even when you’re having a bad week. Hope it ends well!

  1658. This is hilarious and awesome. In fact, the only thing that would make it more awesome is a signed copy of your book! Pretty please?

  1659. I love you, Jenny. Do you text? Maybe Victor would be less frustrated if he just texted you, and then you could reply to his texts or CALL HIM (that would be too weird, wouldn’t it?)

    Ennyhoo. You’re the best, and in comments on Wil Wheaton’s trip to the Phoenix ComiCon, someone used the phrase “furiously happy”. That made me furiously happy, because I knew the connection.

  1661. Horses would so totally eat your face off, and without warning, because they are Evil that way.

    Eeeeeeeevil.

    Many people do not understand this, and persist in ignoring all warnings about the Equine Apocalypse. Come The Day, they’ll be the ones sitting there without a silly look on their faces.

    ‘Cause, ya know…eaten.

  1662. I always enter these things-never win but am always hopeful. As Wesley said to Inigo-Get used to disappointment.
    Oh, and by the way, love the book and the blog and my stabby tee shirts.

  1664. Thank you for making my life seem normal in comparison. You are awesome

  1665. Many thanks for all the belly laughs, which are so much better than throat/nose laughs.

  1666. I’m not pseudo-intellectual enough to leave a cool and snarky and totally witty comment like so many before me. I don’t own glasses with square black frames, or do things ‘ironically’, or drink PBR.

    however, i think that you are awesomely funny- and i would love love love to read your book.

  1667. There are no powdered donuts in the vending machine. I mean it’s Friday. C’mon. There is no logic to this place.

  1668. Does it count if I spit coffee out my nose laughing so hard???

    Gotta love Victor!

  1670. I would love a signed copy of your book. I also would like the $15 to use towards those awesome horse’s ass bar stools you posted about. Wow, decisions will need to be made.

  1671. I love your candor and sense of humor, but I can totally relate to Victor’s frustration. 🙂

  1672. Congrats on the three months on NYT bestseller list. Your book deserves to be there.

  1674. CenturyLink is evil and I have to do battle with Comcast today. I think their CEOs should play with hand grenades together. So that’s my comment about “anything”.

  1675. Everybody should just hope their loved ones can stay “less-mangled-than-expected”

    I hate phones, I never answer either. Actually I think mine might be broken (just the phone part of the phone, not the important things like twitter and email) and I think I’m kind of happy about that.

  1676. I usually am pretty good answering my phone. The rare occasions I don’t, I get the third degree. Maybe I should have set the bar lower. I like to just say, “MAYBE I DIDN’T ANSWER YOUR REALLY IMPORTANT AND CRUCIAL CALL BECAUSE I WAS BUSY LOOKING AFTER YOUR CHILD. ALONE. ALL WEEK. AARGH.”
    Admittedly, that’s usually by Friday (or Thursday on a bad week). I get a little stir crazy…

  1677. This is why I live in a place where there’s no cell reception; no one’s allowed to get mad at me for not answering. I only get their messages when I leave home. Both my son and I loved your book, madly, deeply, etc. He’s still quoting you to me (he’s 15). Well done.

  1678. For some reason … I’m always eating a banana when I read your blog and almost choke from laughing and eating the banana. Perhaps it’s the time of day. And yes, it’s while I’m at work. And yes,it can be awkward.
    Thanks for being such a nut and such a talented writer.

  1679. your book makes me feel less crazy, and the fact that you also love Sookie makes me love you.
    i loved your book so much that i now read your blog, and force others to read your book, though i tell then not to read it in public because i laughed so hard that people at school walked wide circles around me…thank you for making me look crazy

  1680. I’m running a secret kitten sanctuary, so you don’t have to worry about that. Stay away from horses for a few days, and hopefully we’ll get thru this time of dread.

    If by some chance you randomly pick me, please send a copy to Courtney Weber whose comment (above) tickled me almost as much as your post.

  1682. I’m the person who always answers… Doesn’t matter when you call, I guarantee I have my phone and I will answer it. I do this because my mom has lots of medical problems and I am always waiting for a call that she is going to the hospital/doctors/ect. However, I usually just get a call that she was released 2 days ago… Thanks Mom! I guess my mom is like you but in a parallel universe where instead of not answering, she just doesn’t call.

  1683. I’m generally the Victor in my relationship… “Why do you even HAVE a phone?! You never USE it.”
    But, I’d love a book. Then I could call it instead of my boyfriend and it would pick up about as frequently as he does.

  1685. Book!

    Also, I bet if you had some horse asses to sit in, your weekend would be exponentially better than the past week.

  1686. I think I’m in love with your husband. I hope this isn’t awkward for you.

  1687. I finally finished your book…after 3 months of trying. My only reading time is on the bus during commutes to/from work. I would keep bursting into insane-sounding cackling laughter while reading, at which point I’d have set the book down and compose myself before getting asked to get off the bus.

    At least 20 people who ride the bus with me are convinced I’m off my meds. Thank you, Jenny.

  1689. I have the Kindle version of your book, which is handy for whipping small photos of raccoons in jams out of my purse, but I would love a physical copy!

  1690. So why do you have a phone if you’re not going to answer it? Oh I see, it’s a camera with a cool Tardis skin! 😉

  1691. lol my mornings are significantly better when they start with you!

  1693. Pick me! Pick me! Please! Pretty please! Pretty pretty please with kittens! I’ll send you a picture of my adorable dogs being adorable! Please!

  1694. Two things:
    One, I cannot get through reading a passage from your book outloud to my husband. I NEED him to hear them from me because he cannot read sarcastically but I can’t stop laughing either. It’s a problem.
    Two, your blog has become stress relief for me and my co-workers in Customer Service. Thank you.

  1695. I already have a signed copy of your book (woot!) but since you had a bad week, I thought you might like to know that NASA made an It Gets Better video, which made me cry in a good way. Suggested for restoring one’s faith in the world. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiCYoOjCcNw

  1699. I think you’re awesome and my husband doesn’t get you at all… I guess we’re like you and Victor!
    Thanks for the giveaway. Haven’t had a chance to read it yet and I’d love a copy!

  1700. Please tell your husband to stop calling you so you can write your next book in peace. Seriously how long do we have to wait?

  1701. I’m sorry you’ve had a bad week :(. Really superb post though.

  1702. OMG! Vacationing in Taos, and what did I see yesterday? Beyonce’s sister hanging out in front of a shop! If I had any way to get her home she would have been mine! I considered buying her a seat on the plane, but then realized she’d never make it through the metal detectors.

  1703. If it is random I don’t have to try to be witty!! It is such a relief. Normally this is a lot of pressure.

    I hope I win!!

  1704. Sorry your week has been sub-par. I’m a longtime reader and wanted to let you know that your humor and wit and honesty have gotten me through some of my own bad days. Thank you.

  1706. Commenting because I’ve been on the library’s waiting list for Good Omens for THREE. FUCKING. MONTHS. and I place the blame on you for making others realize that Neil is the nerd-girl God : )

  1709. I just had a similar conversation with my husband. When I call there’s typically a reason. Don’t send me to voicemail. I’m way more important than what you have going on!

  1710. Sorry it’s been a bad week! If the universe is at all just then next week will be a good one to balance this one out. Granted, the universe normally isn’t just – because it just likes to be a little bitch that way – but who knows? Maybe it’ll have a momentary lapse of kindness and go your way.

    This logic is what causes me to buy lottery tickets at the end of a bad week. It should be noted, though, that I have yet to win the lottery. Le sigh.

  1711. Hmmm, I’ve literally had a shitty week too. I love that I can use the word literally here correctly? Though I guess it was just one day. And it was my four year old. So maybe I should have said, my son literally had a shitty day. Or maybe I still am not using it correctly. Now I am just confused. There was shit. It happened on a day. I need a vacation. The End.

  1712. When I was in high school, my friend and I made a code phrase to use if we were kidnapped. I have let everyone in my life since then know that if I say, “I had a ham sandwich for lunch”, they need to call the police pronto.

  1714. Your blog is a little piece of sunshine in my work day. Thank you!

  1715. Two questions. One, Is Victor real? If so, can I clone him? And two, when are we going to see a second book by you Ms. Jenny!

  1716. You just perfectly illustrated a conversation between me and my husband. Except we’re not on the phone when that happens – he just REALLY doesn’t know how to communicate with humans.

  1717. Your book has been making me out loud on Chicago public transit. I grew up in OKC around the same time, but needless to say I wasn’t lucky enough to have a dad who would make puppets out of road kill. I do, however, have a husband who believes that the following would look awesome on the walls of our house, enlarged and framed:
    https://www.google.com/patents/US20120272428?dq=chicken+helmet&hl=en&sa=X&ei=vGunUbPiJ8SergG_3oHoDA&sqi=2&pjf=1&ved=0CDsQ6AEwAQ

    He grew up in Skokie, Illinois, so I doubt he would actually consider making this from an actual animal carcass, though. Good thing, too. We have two young boys and the last thing I need is the inevitable cockroach infestation resulting from multiple wearable animal decoys hand-crafted from Chicago alley finds.

  1718. I wish I could remain so witty when my hubs was mad at me… You are ossum.

  1719. Hi. You are the life of the blogworld party and make it difficult to run over my phone so that I can be free of it and its hip radiating attentionsnort. Thank you !

    And
    Its my birthday.

    really.

    See ya

  1723. I’m pretty sure that horse mouths lack the dexterity to eat your entire face. So in the event that it does happen, you can at least know that the horses were really bad at it.

  1724. It’s been pretty crappy here, with a few doses of happy injected in. My baby is graduating high school tonight, and that is good, but it is causing all kinds of chaos in my already crammed-packed week!

  1725. my mom used to be TERRIBLE at answering her phone…she’s gotten much better and her voicemail message is to the tune of this; ‘hi, i have actually become a very responsible phone user, so my phone is fully charged, not lost in my purse, and is ready for your call. right at the moment, i legitimately can’t answer your call. so leave a message and i will give you a call back.’ It’s very Minnesotan Passive-Aggressive, but it makes me giggle every time i reach her message!

  1727. Love your blog…it is the only thing that makes my work days bareable (I also apparently cannot spell today) and a signed copy of your book would officially make you my hero (because why not?)

    I also can relate to the not answering the phone thing…sometimes I just dont want to.

  1728. I have a signed copy of the hardcover edition, but couldn’t get to see you on the paperback leg of the tour.

    But I also don’t have Neil Gaiman’s new book. Mmmm, decisions, decisions.

    BTW, discussions between you and Victor are great ways to start off my morning, which had BEEN shitty until I read this, so thank you.

  1730. Read your book first in my Book/Drinking Club and now am a regular reader of your blog. But I would love a signed copy!

  1732. I am reading “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” right now (well, not right NOW, cause right now, I’m typing this comment). I am convinced that a band of strangers from restaurants I have frequented are now banding together to involuntarily commit the lady who’s eating alone and laughing way too loudly. Thank you so much for that laughter. I needed it! Please put my name into the hat for an autographed copy. PLEASE?

  1733. Congrats on your book’s well-deserved success! Since I had to spend 2 hours last night in the e/r with a fifty-year-old husband who thinks he can still play softball like he did when he was 20, I was hoping to win a book. Evidently, so were 1675 of my closest friends.

  1734. I’m sorry you’re having a bad week. Maybe this science fact will cheer you up: Scientist have proven that bacon sandwiches cure hangovers. That’s for real. I even read it on Slate or somewhere just as impressive.

  1735. Those conversations are amazing!

    I hope next week gets better. At some point it will get better. Because Science.

  1736. Victor should just give up; there’s no way he will ever be able to even keep up with you.

  1737. I’ve read your book this spring and laughed til I cried! And now I am DYING to read The Ocean at the End of the Lane <3 Hope your week gets better! Allons-y!

  1738. I know how Victor feels. My mom never checks her phone and it drives me crazy. If I heard your responses, though, I don’t think I could be upset. You are amazingly hilarious

  1739. I love your conversations with Victor – especially the parts where you drive him crazy. And with all his strangling and mangling talk, you’d think he’d get on better with Copie and all the other taxidermied house guests you have. I was Just thinking last week — hmm I wonder what i could do to get a signed copy of Jenny’s book…. (since I don’t live near you to attend your signings or I’d be at many of them holding a stuffed dead animal listening to you read from your book). I NEEEEEED a signed copy of your book! I’d be soooo so so so very very happy. I try to explain to people about this woman I love who has a giant metal cock and I get funny looks and some people run away. I feel I have to explain myself too much, it’s not that simple. The BLoggess is AWESOME people!!! Figure it out already!!!

    and YAY CONGRATS for 3 months on the NYT bestseller list!!! WOOOO HOOOOOO

  1741. i’m probably too late for the drawing

    but on a related note: i never answer my mobile either – i keep forgetting to take it off airplane mode!

  1743. I recommended your book to a semi-friend (a friend I’m only sort of friends with, in that we would never hang out just the two of us but have a good time in group settings, not a friend who is a semi) who loved it and we bonded over how our giggling kept our dogs awake when reading before bed. Your book brings people together, Jenny. <3

  1745. Here is a comment: My book is being pitched to publishing houses right now. It’s a cookbook, and “bad lay mac and cheese” is one of the recipes. I hope that when/if it’s picked up, you will be interested in it. We can exchange signed copies, though your signature will be worth more than mine because you are Endless Awesome and I am only Mildly Clever In an Awkward Way But Also Food.

  1746. There can never be too many copies of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”. My current Niel Gaimob book is “The graveyard book”.

    I also think that a lack of kittens , would be worse then a zombie appocolypse. Or the bubonic plague. Or possibly the removal of all chocolate from the world…..

  1747. I’m already in for owning two of your books and giving away a third, so I really don’t need to win anything (she said pre-emptively), but I wanted to send you some positive “have a less shitty week” energy. You rock!

  1748. Blame it on a large purse. I can never find my phone in the bottom of my purse/luggage. Also there are phone gnomes that get into my purse and shut the ringer off. Honestly, it is summer and what kind of trouble could 2 teenagers get into??

  1749. I NEED your book. I never win anything – but here I go trying again. Let’s just hope that there ARE kittens still around on Saturday, or I am going to have serious words with you.

  1750. Your book and David Thorne (well, his website) helped me a lot recently. I. Need. The. Book. Thanks.

  1751. I wish I could come up with half the stuff you do, but that’s why they pay you the big bucks, right? Glad I found your blog again. I went away for a little while, but I’m back.

  1752. I never answer my phone either. Thankfully, I have awesome music that plays to entertain the caller. I’m commenting mainly because I want your book and I’m poor. Too poor to afford a boot (that’s sad and pathetic that I’m this poor).

  1753. This is a long week for me too. My dad has alzheimers and he’s called me 22 times already today. It’s insane. I feel bad when I answer the phone and bad when I don’t.

    Stay strong and remember that depression lies. <3

  1755. Neil Gaiman is awesome! and I have missed TWO opportunities to meet him within a few blocks of where I live. WHY AM I DOING IT SO WRONG?!

  1757. I really need to get off my butt and buy your book, unless I win it of course…

  1758. You make a crappy week better, at least for me. On a personal note, it feels like raccoons are getting ready to chew off my face. In fact I can hear them lurking in the backyard and swimming in my pool.

  1759. How much longer until you’re 35? I want to write you in for the next election and need to make sure I’m not wasting my vote on you if you don’t meet the age requirement.

    I could totally see a Bloggess Bill with the words “stabby”, “taxidermied”, and/or “FUCK!” in it. We need more vulgarity in the legal system. Just sayin’

    Run for Texas at least? Put Wall on the map, like Kirk and Iowa.

  1760. Your stories always make me smile.

    Here’s a story for you:

    Me: Where’s your house key?

    Hubby: In my wallet.

    Me: You carry around your house key in your wallet?

    Hubby: Yeah, why not? That way I can’t lose it.

    Me: Unless you lose your wallet, or have it stolen. Now there’s a crazy thief out there with our address and the key to our house. Did you put a copy of your work schedule in there too so they know the optimal robbing time frame?

    Hubby: *rolls eyes* You’re being overdramatic.

    Me: Hey you’re not the one who almost got killed in a burglary that her husband helped facilitate.

    Hubby: I’ll put it on my keyring.

  1761. And he’s really cute! Neil, not Victor, although I’m sure Victor is really cute too…

  1762. I already have your book in hardcover, so winning the paperbound would be awesome!

  1763. My favorite posts are the Victor/Jenny conversations. Truly. Totally on the level with Burns and Allen.

    On a positive note, kittens haven’t gone extinct yet and no horses have been seen stalking the walkers on the bike path outside my office. I think we may might avoid the Catstinction and Appaloosapocalypse.

    Hopkins, Minnesota Base Out!

  1764. I can totally relate to this post. I never answer my phone either – that’s why I have voicemail/caller ID. On the odd day (maybe once or twice a year?), I answer when it’s actually ringing and the other person on the other line blanks because it’s a rare occasion when they don’t have to play phone tag with me. HAHA!

  1765. Why doesn’t Victor just text you? I don’t like talking on the phone most of the time either. Just text or email me. And I’d love to win your book. Especially if you autographed it. Oh, even better if Ferris Mewler did!

  1766. Umm.. Now I’m conflicted. I don’t have your book, but…
    It’s a Neil Gaiman Gift Card, guess I’ll make that call if I win.
    I’m holding my breath, so hurry up, or at least have Jessica my coworker wake me up.
    TommyO

  1767. Can I tell you that I seriously look for your newest post everyday! I share many on my facebook page for my friends to read. You remind me of the sort of conversations I’ve had with my girlfriends and with myself!! Hmmm… should I admit to having conversations with myself? EH… no worries, as long as I don’t answer myself. SHIT! I think I just answered myself!

  1768. Fun taxidermy fact:
    Among the oldest surviving taxidermy specimens is a crocodile that was mounted in 1623 and is still on display in the Natural History Museum of St. Gallen, Switzerland. Taxidermy became hugely popular in 19th century North America, England and Europe. English Victorians were particularly fond of it, and no stylish house was complete without a taxidermy collection.

    Although Neil is a close, personal friend (I met him once), I would rather have a copy of your book!

  1769. I feel like you just wrote my life. I hate my cell phone. Looking forward to picking up your book… didn’t even know you had one! Enjoy your weekend. 🙂

  1771. I love love love your blogs about conversations with Victor, I almost always get busted reading them at work because I cannot hold my laughter in.

  1772. love you jenny! saw you in san jose in april and it was awesome 🙂

  1773. I borrowed the book from the library, and read it all in one day. I have never laughed so hard in my life. I love this book so much, they will have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands if they want it back. Please don’t make me die to keep this book. I would be honored (and alive) if you choose me as a winner.

  1775. Sorry to hear you’re having a bad week. I hope it gets better… for the sake of the kittens at the very least!

  1776. I love that even though you’re having a shitty week you can still make us laugh….the vision of the doc and cop talking to your ankle just cracked me up. Here’s to you and hoping that your weekend is better!

  1777. I am so glad someone posted this of Facebook, you are hilarious! I will probably by your book today since it was recommended by a coworker 🙂

  1779. This is how my husband is when I don’t answer my phone, but much less funny.

    And I love the Neil Gaiman plug. 🙂

  1783. I almost never answer my phone, much to my husband’s frustration, and while I can’t say our conversations are JUST like yours, they are SIMILAR :-). Would love a copy of your book! Hope your week/weekend gets so much better!

  1784. Ok, so I have your book and it is Audio version. Which frankly I think is the best medium. Love the end outtakes. What I was coming by to say was I truly enjoyed your book, and will be re-listening to it this summer. You and Bossy Pants. Good times. And Good Job!

  1785. All I can say, is I think we would be great friends….

    I just recently finished your book… and ended up reading about half it outloud to friends/family who now are also needing to buy the book because they are too curious to not know what else happens.

    Thanks!

  1786. I don’t have a cell phone so I don’t have luxury of not answering it. However, I don’t answer the home phone either and no one leaves voice mail anymore because they think you’ll see their number on caller ID and call them back but I don’t have caller ID either. I hate phones. I often get stuck on our switchboard/info at work so I’ll never learn to love phones or even like them. BTW, anyone who says there is no such thing as a dumb question has never worked an info line.

  1787. My boyfriend is really bad at remembering where things are and I’m the one who remembers everything. So, yesterday I had the brilliant idea to put the plastic storage containers in a drawer instead of in the cupboard, and I thought to myself, “You know, I bet Alex will probably be so confused once he realizes that these are somewhere else. I don’t really do this on purpose, but wouldn’t it be funny if I just moved things around for no reason just to mess with him? It’s no wonder he can’t find anything because I keep moving things!” I had a chuckle to myself, but of course forgot to remind him of the rearrangement. (He wouldn’t remember anyway.) Then later on that night, he asked me where the can opener is, which happens to be in the drawer where I stored the containers, and then promptly asks me where the containers are! I laughed my ass off and he was so confused. I felt like an evil mastermind.

    Currently I have a copy of your book signed to someone else and since I’m going to keep this book FOREVER it would be super nice if it was signed to me instead of someone who didn’t even appreciate it enough to keep it. If I don’t end up winning I’ll probably just cross out that person’s name and write in my own.

    I hope your weekend will be better than you think it will <3

  1789. Thank you for adding brightness to my day w/your unique outlook & humor. Having a signed copy of your book…well, it’d be a cool silver lining to this dreary day in Tennessee 🙂

  1790. “Why can’t they just make orphans fire-proof?”

    That’s a good question. One I never would have thought to ask. I ask things like “Why don’t people take better care of their children? What was their problem growing up?” And “Why would someone who KNOWS a mother tried to kill her child with strychnine poisoning NOT go to the POLICE?” And by POLICE here, I don’t mean the band that had the BEST CONCERT OF THEIR CAREER in Poughkeepsie, at the LAST CHANCE saloon, when I was just a little girl in bed, having bad dreams.

  1793. Jenny,
    You and I have so much in common-even some of the ways we grew up… That it scares me sometimes while reading it on a blog. It’s like…. Hmmm… Mind jumpers are scary… Especially when then they write about it on their blog. I loved your book. I laughed (maybe cried a little) all the way through it. Thanks for all your honesty! Real people are the true treasures in life.

  1794. I love that you don’t answer your phone. I don’t either, which is why my husband announced that I don’t need a phone. He said it was silly paying for it when I never answer it anyway. The funny thing is, he’s the one who’s supposed to cancel the plan, it’s been 3 months since I even knew where he put my phone, but we’re still paying the bill! LOL

  1795. I totes feel your pain of the “why the efffff don’t you answer the phone?!?!”. Mine is never answered. The caller will be lucky if I even listen to the voicemail. THAT’S WHAT TEXTING IS FOR, people.

  1796. I once accidentally let my cell die entirely, didn’t charge it for days, and made my parents think I was dead. My dad finally tried emailing to see if I was still alive. Apparently it’d been four or so days from when they’d first attempted to contact me.

    What? This was years before I got a smartphone and needed to keep it constantly charged so I could play games or check email or read The Bloggess or whatever at an instant’s notice.

  1799. Thanks for the laugh. I needed one. I’ve had some shit going on this week too. However, I just learned that some people are getting poop transplants, and that made me happier I only have to deal with my own shit.

  1800. ‘Why can’t they just make orphans fire-proof? ‘ bwahahaha I’m crying with laughter here! Also this comment is coming to you from the future (or, you know, Australia) and future me needs a copy of your book! I hope future you has a better day tomorrow. xx

  1801. My husband is the one person for whom I will actually answer my phone. Other people, not so much. Just because I have a phone doesn’t mean I want to, you know, actually talk on it or anything people…

  1803. Sorry about your bad week! Want to laugh at my day? Today I had to lie to my boss about why I had to go home for an hour and a half today. It sounded better to say that the emergency that my mother called about was that she hurt herself and not that my golden retriever got lose and into something nasty smelling and I had to go home and give her a bath and my mother is not physically strong enough to bath her and we don’t have enough deodorizing spray in the house to keep her from vomiting until I got home at the regular time. Now I am back to work and smell vaguely like wet dog. Hope no one thinks my mother smells like that.

  1804. I swear that my phone has an agenda to break up my husband and I. He calls and 9 times out of 10, I NEVER hear the damn thing ring, so I miss his call and then get the angry husband hounding me about not answering my phone. I feel your pain Jenny!
    P.S. I would love a copy of your book! Have had the book since it was first available to preorder, but haven’t gotten a chance to pick up the paperback copy yet and would LOVE one, if I’m lucky enough to be selected!

  1805. I would LOVE a copy of your book! It would be like you are here. with me. in my house. That just totally sounded creepy, didn’t it. Well, I assure you, your book will be very well loved (as would you, probably) in my house! pick me!

  1806. Leave a comment about anything?

    How about because of all your Dr. Who references, I made my boyfriend sit and watch an episode last week. Now we’re now addicted and for the foreseeable future going to be Netflixing old episodes, quitting our jobs, and selling our bodies on the street to pay for cable.

    Thanks for ruining our futures, Jenny!

  1807. Victor calls you way too much. I call my husband way too much. It’s like we’re RELATED!

  1808. Congratulations! Just so you know, you’re not the only one who has a husband that gets ridiculously ticked just because you missed his past 10 calls. Sheesh. I’ll try to use some of your tactics in the future.

  1809. Please, me! Ooooh oooh oooh, me me! MEEEEEEEE! (That was me stretching my arm way up and wriggling around in my seat like we all did in elementary school when the teacher asked who wanted to work the button on the slide projector, not me getting all passionate with myself. Though I have nothing against self-passion, especially when husbands are away on business, so you can watch porn without getting caught.) I’ve never won anything EVER EVER EVER in my whole life! Not one contest, not one game at the local fair, not one raffle– which is shameful to all those non-profits and organizations who’ve sold me hundreds of dollars worth of raffle tickets. How am I supposed to feel sorry for the endangered Slow Loris (which you totally have to look up b/c it’s waaaay cute AND has poisonous elbows. For real.) when all I can think about is the fact that the $25 I spent on raffle tickets to raise money for Slow Loris awareness was TOTALLY WASTED? I mean, they probably used it for something all “important” but still, I wanted that Bath & Body Works gift basket… Wait, I did win the 50-yard dash three years in a row in elementary school on Field Day, but that doesn’t really count b/c I didn’t get an actual prize. Also, I spend hours that I should be working going back and reading through your archives b/c they’re just that awesome. And I’m also kind of non-productive. And have undiagnosed ADD, which is the worst kind b/c it isn’t being treated. But I managed to overcome it long enough to read your book four times already, and I’ll donate my copy to needy readers with ADD if you PICK ME, JENNY! Before I get distracted and– ooooh, look! Glitter!

  1811. Congratulations on the NYT best-seller list!

    I find your conversations with Victor hilarious. I have a feeling he isn’t as amused by them as I am.

  1813. Ya know how sometimes it just feels soo good to fart? Like its been pent up inside you ready to go and just let er rip and “ahhhh”. Not orgasmic ahh…but good enough? I like farting.

    Wha? You said leave it about anything

  1814. I just came across your blog today and am addicted….I can’t quit reading because I can’t quit laughing and it FEELS SO GOOD TO LAUGH!!! I want your book, please, please, please!!! I am married with 3 kids and work full time….I could really use your book for some comic relief!!!!

  1815. I simply adore your unique style! Really! No, I am not being sarcastic!

  1816. I absolutely love reading your blog and adored your book. I always come here when I need to smile or laugh. Plus I love all of the stuffed rodents you post.

  1817. Victor would make a nice horse hide rug. Luckily you answered. and saved him.

  1819. I’m currently reading and loving your book. Not a page goes by that I don’t feel compelled to read a section aloud to my husband. My favorite part so far is when your future in-laws came over to your parents’ house and your dad proceeded to call them back to the taxidermy shop…

    One of the best books I’ve read in a long time! Thanks for sharing your talent and insanity.

  1820. I just want the book. I’m kind of sad that I don’t already have it cause I could totally go to lunch with $15.

  1821. I really hate nylons. I think they were invented as a torture device, but I’m slow to catch on to these things so I continue to wear them and suffer. But at least I’m not suffering in silence.

  1823. …and now I have something to say to my husband when he asks me why I never answer the phone. Also, I think I personally know people who have responded to this post. Going to make some phone calls, and probably get sent to voicemail.

  1824. Love these! Really made my afternoon. Ha! Would love a copy of the book – I have a baby and haven’t been able to spare time to read for the last many months, otherwise I would’ve read it already!

  1825. This actually makes me think I should really have a codeword in case I’m kidnapped.

  1828. I would love to win an autographed copy of your book. I’m not allowed to buy another new book until I’ve read all the other new books I already have. Which is a huge stack and months away from happening. But free books are totally allowed!

  1829. I have to get a gift engraved for my nephew Hunter. Oddly, I keep having visions of the gift coming back engraved with “Hunter S. Tomcat”. Thanks for that. 😉

    Love reading your blog. Sorry to hear you’re having a crappy week. I hope it gets better before the horse eats your face. That would suck.

  1830. Seriously, are you related to my husband or giving him pointers? He *never* answers his phone. He actually has a smart action called “Your wife is mad” that turns his ringer on the highest volume after I have called several times in a row!

  1831. I actually RARELY have my ringer turned on. If I want to answer the phone, I have it where I can see the display light up. Otherwise, that’s what voice mail is for.

  1833. Today is my daughter’s birthday. She’s nine. And she told me that the best birthday present in the world would be for her mom to get a copy of your book.

    I can’t promise I will read it to her. Yet.

  1834. My wife is very close to being like this. It seems like I never see her without her phone in her hand, checking social media etc. But 9 times out of 10 when I try calling her I get VM. It’s weird to think there was a time when we didn’t have cell phones, and we just assumed people were ok and they would be there when we got home. Now with instant access to EVERYTHING, you kind of feel like people should be just as accessible. So does this mean she’s just trying to relive days of old, is she bucking a trend, or simply ignoring me? I’m voting for the last option.

  1835. Why have a phone if you can’t reserve the right to NOT answer it? Same goes for a doorbell.

  1836. please please please pick me!
    please?
    who answers the phone anyway? texting is much more expedient.

  1838. I’ve had an increasingly shitty week as well. That’s why I need a signed copy of your book. Yes, that would make things infinitely less shitty.

  1840. I LOVE your book and have recommended it to like 100 people so I think technically you OWE me a book as a thanks for the MANY, MANY sales I have made for you!
    Just kidding, you just make me laugh almost everyday and that is thanks enough!!

  1841. My kids are always irritated with me that I can’t find/have ringer turned off/phone is in a different room from me. The most common question in my house is, “Mom, WHY don’t you have your phone? WHY?” As if I somehow owe it to them to be accessible at all times. Silly teenagers.

  1842. Thank you for writing your blog. It’s amazing & always makes me laugh. I save up the entries as once I read one, I want more 🙂

  1844. Personally, I think phones are overrated. Remember when we didn’t have cellphones? And we didn’t have to feel the need to answer them whenever they rang? Life was simpler then….

  1845. I never answer my phone either, but it’s a matter of policy, so I don’t get too much crap about it. But then I’ve been married 42 yrs. He knows better.

  1847. Thanks you”re awesome and dont worry about the kittens they will be abundant by the end of the weekend and horse wont eat your face off but Id be wary of those fucking cougars now they will totally eat your face off!!! Again you are amazing!!!!

  1849. Victor, did you ever stop to think that her phone accidentally fell into the bag with the honey she bought you at the Farmer’s Market and then she put the bag in the cooler so it wouldn’t get to hot in the car and then left the cooler in the car for a couple of days because she forgot about the Farmer’s Market trip because her niece was visiting from out of town and they had such busy fun filled days and that’s why she didn’t answer the first 40K times? It happens ~

  1850. I hate talking on phone. Even more I hate this Facetime crap! I upgraded and got an Iphone4 b/c my plan gave it to me for free. They should put a dislaimer on it saying, “everyone and their mudder is going to try to facetime you”! Ugh. I hardly answer my phone (mostly b/c its creditors looking for money) but then my 4 yro goes and answers it and then hands it to me. thanks hun.
    On another note… i just luv ur blog and I borrowed your book from a friend. I know. I know. I should have just bought one, but I didn’t. Instead I bought one for my mother in law. I also bought her a pack of depends to go with it and gave it to her. Cuz i know she will be peein’ her pants when she reads your book.
    Hope you day goes better

  1851. Randomly pick me! I bought your book the week it showed up at Target; it (you) cause me outrageous fits of laughter (thanks!). A signed copy though? YES please. And I agree, Neil Gaiman is phenomenal.

  1852. You are hysterical and should continue to torment your husband so that I can continue to giggle at my desk.

  1853. I’d LOVE one of Neil Gaiman’s books! Because I already have yours.

  1854. Someone told me I was delusional. I almost fell off my unicorn.
    (Wish I could have uploaded the photo for you.)

  1855. I survived working the Disneyland Resort’s 24-hour “Monstrous Summer” kickoff and a stupidhead’s lame dry ice explosive (because I work way up front and not in a Toontown trash receptacle) this month. I deserve a signed book, man. Er, woman. Okay, I don’t deserve it. Probably someone else does. But I’m making the approximately-2000th comment anyway.

  1856. I volunteered at Lit Fest last year just to meet you. And then I did, and you were nice and cool and I’d had a xanax, so I was okay.
    I have three of your books, and I’ll gladly take another.

    Also, your blog is one of the few things that made me smile on the last awful round of depression. So… thanks for being partially responsible for keeping me alive. (It’s okay– you did a good job).

  1857. I would love a copy. Once I’m finished I will pay it forward to our local library for others to obtain the AWESOMENESS!!

  1858. Wow… that was like looking into a mirror. I am terrible at answering my fiance’s calls and it’s always for a mundane reason. Well, this was like looking into a funnier version mirror, as you have better answers than me. I’ll work on that.

    You two crazy kids 🙂

  1859. I so need that signed copy. Because I just couldn’t stay when you came to Dallas, after that lady fainted and hit her head on the table. EMTs freak me out.

  1861. My cat Toad looks very much like Hunter S. Thomcat. He doesn’t let me take pictures of him doing the cool things HST does though. We’ere working on that.

  1862. Just finished reading Anansi Boys. SO GOOD. I now want to talk to all the spiders.

  1863. I just sent this link to my ex-husband so that he can remember what it was like to be married to me and thank god that I didn’t have a blog to record all of our conversations. Because I was totally right EVERY TIME.

  1864. I’m the same way but with voicemail. I know you called…if I want to talk to you, I’ll call you back. I also don’t leave voicemails for the same reason. Angry Birds can kiss my ass, the ability to delete voicemails without listening to them, is the best iPhone feature EVER.

  1865. Did you ever see that Friends episode when Phoebe doesn’t want to go to the dentist because every time she does, someone dies? Everyone makes her go to the dentist and when she returns, she checks on everyone to make sure they’re okay. She calls Chandler and he doesn’t answer. So she runs across the hall and swings open the door, where she finds him standing there. She screams, “If you’re alive, you answer your phone!” Ha ha ha. I’ve left my sister messages like that after she tells me they’re going into the tornado shelter and she doesn’t call me back right away.

    I already have your book, but you could donate the $15 to an animal shelter/charity/or something. 🙂

  1866. My phone story goes like this…my 12 year old “borrowed” my phone to play Angry Birds. The next day my phone rings…not that i notice…but my purse has the sound of a spay of VERY CLOSE gunfire. It just so happens that the 12 year old had downloaded a “GUN” app that had every sound of every gun ever made, and then he “accidently” made my phone ringer the sound of an automatic weapon. Of course, I am in an office environment where everyone is being quiet and awkward in our cubicles. Thanks son.

  1867. My house is always bustling with activity. There are at least more than six people at my house everyday. And we’re running out of pot. This could be a problem.

  1869. Holy Balls. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll give MY copy of your book to the next unsuspecting person and then you can send me the signed copy of yours AS WELL AS your copy of Ocean At The End of The Lane. IT’S A WIN-WIN. For me.

  1870. My husband and I just randomly start calling all the other phones that might be in the vicinity of the other person when you don’t answer the call on the first time we call..
    He’ll call the house phone, then my cell phone and if he knows I was talking to my friends – then their phones.
    I frequently call his parents house, because he will never answer his phone when there.
    “ummmm, is he still there?”
    “Yes, didn’t you call his phone.”
    “Of course I did, he probably left it in the car again, or lost it in the garden with dad…”
    “yeah, they are still outside.” :::SIgh::::

  1871. I’d comment, but have nothing to sa… oh. Um, SO, How are you? Apparently driving your husband as batty as I drive mine. 😀

    BOOK!! hehe Billionth time is the charm! But, if I win, can you guarantee that this will not affect my chances at winning anything else in my life? (I only won once, and he isn’t returnable unless a lawyer is involved! ….. Kidding!)

  1872. I seldom answer the phone either. There is something about the lack of body language signals that really confuses me. I do answer email and I read your blog. Maybe texting is the way for Victor to go. Hugs to both of you.

  1873. I’m definitely using some of these next time the hubs yells at me about not answering… which is happening at an alarming pace these days!

  1874. I wanted to write something witty or share a funny story, but I’m a tax accountant. Those things aren’t really in my wheelhouse… Love your blog!

  1877. I was getting increasingly confused by how you were talking to Victor if you weren’t answering your phone. I was laughing, but I was confused. Then I got to the end, and I was still laughing, but I wasn’t confused anymore. I like that better.

  1878. Would it make your week better if I got you a signed Dr. Who book?

  1879. Aw, crap, horses eating off your face would be terrible, what with their big chompy teeth and their slurp tongues. I bet they wouldn’t even look you in eyes when eating your face. Jerks.

  1881. This post made me happy. I’m not the only person that doesn’t answer the phone.

  1883. I’m so sorry that you had such a shitty week.

    If you happen to draw my name please donate the book to a high school library in a town of your choice. Or maybe put $15 worth of pennies in a wishing well and go to town on wishing. xo

  1884. You should sneak your phone into Victor’s pocket. Then when he calls, he can answer it himself! Problem solved.

  1885. I’ll take a free book with a signature! I left mine behind so my sister could laugh her ass off. Thanks for making me laugh!

  1886. I wasn’t going to comment (I never do) except then you said you’d give $15 towards a Neil Gaiman book. And I think he’s one of the greatest things since canned beer, so…

  1887. You crack me up, and brighten my stay-at-home days. Beyonce and I need a good laugh sometimes!

  1888. I am also guilty of never answering my phone. Or bringing it with me. Or being able to hear it ring. I don’t know why, maybe it’s the two children I’m wrangling and I never have pants with pockets.

  1889. One of my coworkers asked me if I had Bitch Soup for lunch last week. I would have been offended if it wasn’t so damned funny. And accurate.

    I cried on the phone with a construction company today, but they didn’t know because I didn’t say any words. I just let others talk. I wasn’t even crying about them.

    Tough week.

  1891. i hate the phone. that’s why god invented email. well, not just because I hate the phone. i don’t think i’m that important. but it’s nice that she did take me into consideration.

  1892. Two months ago I had a mass removed that had taken over my abdomen in such a way that no matter how much weight I lost, I continued to look like the Michelin Man. It’s gone now…along with my girlie bits, and while I’m very thankful that there is nary a cancer cell to be found, I am now being ushered into menopause. My inner child is playing with matches on a daily basis and I am fighting more hormones than a Monsanto cow. I need your book. And a stiff drink. I’m feeling stabby.

  1893. My wife never answers her phone either. I am solidly in Victor’s court on this one. There are repercussions. When I call from the restaurant to find out what she wants and then it goes to voice mail… she will not be getting fried cheese wontons with that sickly sweet red sauce.

  1894. My husband never answers his phone. Drives me batty. I told him if he answers it the 1st time I call I’ll send him naked pics. He still doesn’t answer. Does not help the old self-esteem, I gotta tell ya.

  1895. LOL my hubby’s messages always begin with “WHY DID I BUY YOU A PHONE IF YOU NEVER ANSWER IT?” or “I’m calling you because you’re not here and your phone just rang in the kitchen!” Later when I talk to him I remind him I wanted it because I wanted to have the photo albums on my phone so I could use them to show people pictures of my work portfolio and my dog dressed up in Howloween costumes. What? I can talk to people on it too?

  1896. This is me and my husband, but he’s the one that never answers. Thanks for the laugh!

  1897. Hey Jenny, You always make me laugh. We’re doing a fundraiser for breast cancer research on 6/22 and would love a signed copy of your book for our silent auction. People who are dealing with cancer really need to laugh, so I hope I win. Also, I never answer my phone either – it freaks me out.

  1901. A little FYI about Nathan Fillion for you. In the mid 90’s he “guest stared” in an improv troup called “Improv Jam” that performed in Red Bank NJ. It was made up of mostly high school students which I know because my lovely boyfriend at the time was in it and that was what constituted our summer dating (Wanna go see my improv group Friday and Saturday and then we can get tea or coffee at the House of Coffee-ah young love). I did go and see him, mainly because I what the hell else was I going to do and because to be honest I had skipped school one too many times to watch a “big episode” of One Life to Live. It was my closest thing to meeting a bonafide star.

    So I know someone who probably touched twine as a prop that was givin to Nathn Fillion or perhaps someone yelled “TWINE” when you had to shout our random words and he was then forced to hold imaginary twine.
    It’s possible, and in my mind it happened, prove me wrong.
    Love you, love your book.

  1904. I LOVE your book, which I already have. I also love Neil Gaiman so I’d love more of his stuff. And I might kinda sorta love Victor, or at least I love your conversations.

  1905. Is it a signed copy of the one that has the extra chapter? Because I still haven’t read that one. So I sort of feel as though my life isn’t complete. I can’t die until I’ve read that extra chapter. So maybe you shouldn’t send me one after all, because then I would be immortal. No, I take that back. Immortality would be fucking boring.

  1909. This week has been shit soup altogether. But kittens can never go extinct. Next you’ll be telling us they are just baby cats or something.

  1910. I spent yesterday in hospital having a very minor heart thing (I called the daycare to say my sister would be picking my son up because I was having a very minor thing and had to go to hospital and the person on the other end was instantly terrified on my behalf. My sister said that I had a terrible way of giving news. Still can’t think of a better way to say it. “My heart is beating faster than a marathon runners so I have to go to emergency but they fix it up really easy so don’t worry”.)

    Anyhow, the good news is that cos I had to go to hospital I got out of going to exercise class in the rain this morning. w00t!

  1912. The fact that you love Neil Gaiman makes me want to read your book. Oh and my local grocery store has Beyonce the chicken’s cousin/sister/identical twin on display in the booze section, atop a tower of Whiskey. I don’t think they know who Beyonce the chicken is, so it’s probably just a coincidence.

  1913. Omg I’ve heard so much about your book but I’m too broke to buy it. 🙁 I want one!!!

  1916. Congrats on the best seller list! Also, you crack me up! You and Victor kind of remind me of Lucy and Ricky…

  1918. And again I smiled while reading your post. And that is not a small thing. The ability to make someone smile seems to be getting lost these days.

  1921. You made my day….laughed so hard that I cried…..brought flash backs of an past marriage. Great thank u

  1923. I just accepted the fact that my mother is a sociopath and likely suffers from multiple personality disorder. And oddly that has made me feel better because it was so much better than her just being a selfish bitch. Thank God I have wine as the best therapy money can buy.

  1925. I am so glad I found your blog! You are hilarious! I don’t like answering my phone either. I would love to win your book!

  1926. Holy shit! My husband never answers his phone the first time I call him. I just realized I’m Victor.

  1928. Sometimes I pretend not to hear the phone ringing because I HATE answering the phone. I’m sure there’s a cool phobia name for that…hang on, let me google…got it…WTF?…it’s telephone phobia!! Seriously wikipedia? Couldn’t you have come up with a better name than that?

  1931. Favorite activity: reading your posts out loud to my husband and children. Second best activity: impersonating each of your voices in new and different ways each time. OMG, if I had your book I could do it ALL.THE.TIME!

  1932. That conversation is PERFECT and also I wish I could be as funny as you.

    Neil Gaiman’s new book looks AMAZING.

    I’d love a signed copy of your book, and my family would probably be excited, too, as I spent a whole summer reading and re-reading it (last year) and quoting it to them constantly.

  1934. I have disowned my parents and you bring me joy. (those 2 things are entirely unrelated)

  1936. I love your book, I want to give this as a gift to everyone I know, but that would require more money then I have. Ditto on neil gaiman being awesome.

  1937. Jenny, I truly love coming to your blog and reading the hilarity that is your life. I don’t usually comment cuz I get sucked into the vortex of reading ALL the comments of your equally hilarious followers and then my day is gone and I’m all WTF the boss is gonna kill me cuz I didn’t get anything done and thank god the kids get home from school by themselves now!

    But I’d love a copy of your book and I’m pretty broke, cuz I suck as an employee since I get sucked into vortexes, so I usually get my reading material from the library which I suspect might not stock your lovely book because they don’t want a mob demanding more copies so no one has to wait. But I could be wrong.

  1939. In Montana half the time you don’t have service—That REALLY makes it hard to answer the phone. 🙂

  1940. Hi Jenny. My 14 yo has had a bad day. One of her besties says they are no longer friends. It’s her first experience with a friendship ending in drama and nastiness. I’d give your book to her because I laughed so hard when I read it and she needs to laugh like that. You are remarkable and I wish you were my friend 🙂

  1941. If I didn’t already have a really terrific husband, I think I’d fall for Victor. He must be a saint.

  1943. but why would kittens go extinct? they’re made of floof which is scientifically proven to be unkillable… or something

  1944. This was almost as funny as the horses ass bar stools !!Thanks for the laugh~~

  1948. I want to get a copy of your book for myself so I don’t have to borrow it from my sister the next time we’re together.

  1950. I think the fact that I found your blog randomly, I have a good chance of being randomly selected for your book. SO ……here goes!!

  1952. my 5 year old is amazing. In a single breath she will tell me I am ‘the meanest mom ever’ and then finish it off with ‘youre the best mom ever’. how can I change her so quickly? ask for a kiss. works everytime 😉

    I would love to have a signed copy of your book!

  1954. Somehow, this particular post helped relieve a tiny bit of my huge wave of anxiety. Stress is bad for me. And in a week and a half I have to take the single most important test of my career. The test that gives me a license to actually do my career. If I fail it… well… that’s a really bad thing. And work is a giant dick and I apparently pissed someone off because the saturday before my test, which is on a tuesday, I get scheduled to work a 15 hour shift. What the fuck, work? What the fuck? So I was already freaking out about the test and now I have a massive 15 hour shift that no one will cover because I work with a bunch of bitches (seriously, I work with 30 other females. Our cycles are synched and it’s that time of the month for fucking everybody. Can you imagine that? It’s horrible.) And then I’ll be exhausted and then have to study even more and then I’m gonna fail the test and holy shit I wrote a giant comment. And I’m 90% sure I’m going to fail my test, but I keep telling everyone that everything is fine because they don’t want to hear anything else and life sucks and I need an ativan.

  1956. I’d love to get my hands on some greeting cards that said “I’m glad to hear you’re less-mangled-than-expected.” Then send them to healthy friends and relatives. Just because 🙂 Then I’d want a “You’re less-mangled-than-expected.” magnet for my fridge, so when the day is not going my way I can look at it and appreciate that I wasn’t mauled by the coyote or whatever predator it is that lives in the ravine behind my house.

  1958. Look at the bright side, at least your taxidermy has better taste in wigs than Amanda Bynes.

  1959. One of my favorite ways of confounding incoming callers used to be answering with “Hi, is Bob there?” To which many people would say that I must have gotten the wrong number and hung up. Then call me back in a minute when they realize that they actually wanted to talk to me.

    Ah… people have such big shiny buttons to push.

  1960. Jenny, I am that girl. The girl who loved your. book so much, that I have systematically indoctrinated all of my friends to read, )2 as well. Thank. You. For. Your . Awesome. Chaos

  1961. Part of my job is talking to people who are going through hard times managing the stresses of their jobs in the health care field. Today I spoke with someone who is dealing with depression and anxiety *and* the stresses of their job in the health care field. She’d never heard of you (how is that possible?) so I told her about your blog and am pretty sure you’re going to change her life. No pressure. But you know. Get on that.

  1963. I saw the cover of your book way back in People Magazine and knew a book with a little Hamlet Mouse on it had to be good.

  1965. I got my 3rd kitty this week. She was found by a friend’s orthodontist in the road trying not to get run over, then the friend took her to keep her out of the animal shelter, then she found out her male kitties and male dogs were not fond of the wee kitten and now she is with me and my 2 female cats. The kitten is named Luna and is now asleep on top of a big stuffed APPA from avatar the last airbender. YIP YIP

  1968. This is me and my mother – she gets to be you and I am Victor. Cause she never answers when I call and I always say its a good thing I am not dying on the side of the road!

  1969. Enjoyed this post so much! Thank you.

    (Hoping things settle for you soon . . . .)

  1973. This is a comment specifically designed to win signed books from hilarious and talented authors (not one of those crap authors you hear about).

  1974. Sorry you’re having shitty week. Mine is stretching into a particularly shitty spring, and I have to keep reminding myself that depression lies (thank you for that!). I won’t say that winning your book would turn my world around, but it sure couldn’t hurt.

  1976. whatever you do, don’t pick this comment. no really. bad, curious things will happen.

  1978. Omg, you’re me. Because I cannot so eloquently express why I’m not picking up the phone, I’ve linked this post from my Facebook page. I’d thank the friend that sent me your way, but frankly I think it was a little rude. Hmmmph!

  1980. Victor should just give you Google glasses.

    Then you would never have to answer anything.

    You could just look at your kidnappers and Victor would shit.

    Which would be awesome.

  1981. As a vegetarian that eats human placenta I’d just like to say how much I love your book… ok that’s probably not a winning comment… What I meant to say was, I love your book and really hope I win a signed copy 🙂

  1982. I am a young mother. I’m 41 and have 20 year old identical twin sons. The boys are a handful. They’ve gone down a different path in life, rather than the one that I had high hopes for them to succeed. They NEVER answer their phones. I could text them 911, and they would still ignore it. However when they’re in front of me, they’re both texting other people like crazy. Almost 20,000 texts each per month! But why…..why…can’t they just pick it up for me?? I so relate to the Victor character. He loves so hard, but doesn’t feel it back. 🙁

  1983. At least you come up with good reasons to not answer your phone. I hate the damn thing & just wish people would hang up and text me already.

  1986. I’m sending a link to this post to my husband–we often have a similar conversation (only less funny). And congratulations on your best-seller status! Apparently, there is still some hope for the world.

  1987. In my case the roles are reversed. I never answer my phone when my wife calls. To be fair, I don’t answer when anyone calls because each call falls into one of three categories: 1. Bill collector. 2. Work wondering either why I am not there or if I can come in to cover for someone else. 3. My wife wanting to “see if [I] will ever answer [my] damn phone.” If you pick me to win the signed book, I can give it to her as a peace offering. Help save a marriage, Jenny, and pick me.

  1988. My girlfriend sent me this link after I didn’t answer my phone for 4 hour (it was a good nap) and she showed up at my door thinking I was dead… Can I say I love you? It’s ok, my girlfriend loves you too so it’s just one of THOSE things ~ I want the book!! I’m too busy (napping) to actually go buy it so send me a free copy!

  1989. I’m starting Yoga Teacher Training on Tuesday and I’d like to win your book so I don’t O.D. on Sanskrit.

    Also, I tell people that I don’t answer my phone because I have it for MY convenience, not theirs

  1990. I don’t know how you do it, Jenny. I freak out if I miss a call, and call the person right back as soon as I see the missed call. Maybe its because I don’t get too many calls, so when I do, I feel special.

  1992. Bahahaha. Wow I am GLUED to my phone. But that’s only because of Twitter and other fun things I have on it. I’d love to win your book. It’s a favorite in my house. Plus I tell folks about it ALL the time!!

  1994. You should TOTALLY pick me since my husband assumes I should be able to just pick up the phone any time he calls even though I’m a stay at home mom with 5 kids and run a home day care. Sympathize with me and give me a signed book! That would be totally awesome and then I could tell my hubs that see Jenny understands, chocolate used to understand but now Jenny does it better!

  1995. LOL… I love, love, love your blog 🙂 And congratulations!!!! I have your book in hardcover and Kindle but…. I haven’t read it yet?! I’m saving it for when I need some awesome and for right now, I’m good.

  1996. I wish I was witty and hilarious like many of the previous 1976 commenters… but I’ve got nothing!! I just really would love a signed copy of your book. 🙂 Oh! I know something to brighten your day, my best friend is forcing her book club to read your book for their June book! 🙂

  1997. 40,007 phone calls? If you answered every call your phone bill would be so high you couldn’t afford horse butt bar stools.

  1998. You have 1979 comments. I’m like wow! That is totally amazing. It got me thinking what I was doing in 1979. Freshmen year in high school. Not a good thought. Congrats on being on the best seller list for 3 months. That is really cool.
    🙂

  1999. I’m sorry this has been a shitty week. I hope it gets better. You always make me laugh when I’m having a shitty week. Maybe you need to read your own stuff?

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