Oh, Google. Once again you make me question humanity.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

Whenever I try to look up something, Google usually jumps ahead like a clumsy, overexcited puppy trying to guess what it is Iactually want to know.  And then I get so freaked out at the auto-suggestions it gives me that I usually forget what I was originally looking up.

Case in point:

So. Yeah.

PS.  I was actually googling “The dead can’t be owned by people as property” to make sure it wouldn’t be illegal to steal a human head I once knew, so – yes – I realize that I’m in no position to judge here.

It’s sort of a long story.

PPS.  Because I know you’re wondering:  The term “dead cat bounce” is apparently a financial term created on Wall Street which posits that “even a dead cat will bounce if it falls from a great height.”  Conclusion:  Don’t walk around on Wall Street without a hard-hat.  Also, don’t let stockbrokers catsit for you.  Ditto for anyone named “Schrödinger.”

***********

And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by Lame Adventures: Unglamorous Tales From Manhattan, a book by Virginia Antonelli (of LameAdventures.com).   Virginia Antonelli is a wage slave by day and scribbler by night. She’s a New York City transplant who has taken it upon her scrawny shoulders to write these tales centered not in Manhattan’s opulent heart, but in its less romantic gall bladder. It’s the user’s manual for living life at its fullest, on a wallet at its emptiest, in the metropolis that is the glitziest.  You should probably buy it.

126 thoughts on “Oh, Google. Once again you make me question humanity.”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. Big kid works at a restaurant in Chicago. Patrick Stewart ate dinner there last night. Her post on Facebook early this morning? “So, Sir Patrick Stewart came to Balena this evening. I almost freaked out at John-Cusack-level. Almost.”

    (She had an anxiety attack when John Cusack came in. It was OK though as everyone knew she would. Even her.)

  7. Well which is it? Can the dead dance or can’t they???

    (since ‘can’ is higher on the list, I’m assuming they can, but maybe my logic is backwards. If more people are asking “can the dead dance” than those asking “can’t the dead dance” maybe it’s because they’re not dancing and people are questioning their own assumptions in a way that still preserves the view that they are right)

  10. I love the “we have arrived” part. If you’re officially cited in urbandictionary, that means you’ll be historically important in years to come. Yay! 😀

  12. Dead can Dance is a dark wave band. Which sounds a bit more exciting than they really sound; but good for those Gothic party cocktail hour background music.

    And yes, at that cocktail party I’ll be hanging with your respective cats.

  14. Also, you’re right that there is no property in a corpse, but they do have sneaky laws about desecration of graves, and obstructing proper burial, and stuff like that, so be careful !

  15. “Schrödinger’s Cat-Sitter” Would Be A GREAT Name For A Rock Band.

  16. I’ve decided to never click your links ever again after last week. I am still scarred. I think I might be forever.

  17. To answer the question: yes, you own your dead relatives. They go to the next of kin just like other personal effects. Traditionally this wasn’t the case since the belief was that the body would be resurrected and it would be all awkward if someone “owned” a human being when it came back to life in the end of days. That’s the reason there were so few laws against digging up corpses back in the days–it was a weird grey area. For a while you could steal a body legally, but if you took the clothes/shroud it was wrapped in, you could be charged with theft. Seriously, don’t ask how I know this. Corpse law is a weird, fascinating pocket of law.

  18. I am pretty upset about this whole Scorpio thing, being one myself, I think I am likeable and fun, and to date, haven’t killed anyone…yet?!

  22. Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to own a human head. It’s illegal to own a non antique (i.e., medical model or whatever) human skull. Luckily, there are the legal kind of ebay.

  24. This makes my day.
    And also reminds me to piss of scorpios and dead people for a scientific comparison.

  26. In November of 2014, I will be 19 in Martian years. This may be a problem. What’s the Martian drinking age?

  27. I’m chuckling that someone wanted to know if the dead can hold a grudge better than a Scorpio. Of course not, don’t be ridiculous!! *evil laugh*

  28. The dead can dance / The dead can’t dance. Make up your mind, Google!

    My opinion: They can. The proof? The Thriller music video. (I might be showing my age here, though, by referencing Thriller.)

  30. I always make friends with the animals in the house at parties. I also remember my neighbors dogs name and not the owners name.

  32. I don’t know about Texas, but in Calif a dead body has no intrinsic value, so it cannot be considered stolen property.Google the Gram Parsons fiasco.

  33. Where would the power-drunk monkeys who run Google be without pharmaceuticals?
    Thanks for pointing out the absurdities I somehow miss, Jenny.
    You’re the best.

  34. I really enjoy that Google just had a fight with itself about whether or not the dead can dance…

  35. It is amazing that the dead can hold grudges. What if the dead person was a Scorpio when they were alive? Does that grudge holding then approach superpower potential?

  36. Stating that the dead can hold a grudge longer than most Scorpios is a very strong statement, said as a Scorpio’s sister. And, yes Margie, he also thinks he’s pretty likable and fun. I think he’s a scream, myself. As far as killing someone, well…..he lives alone and takes long trips by himself. So.

  37. I like how “the dead can dance” and “the dead can’t dance” are both listed. How very PC of google.

  38. You know, I’d put off watching the Patrick Stewart clip. I knew he’d be brilliant; he always is. Still, somehow I didn’t want to watch it.

    I’m glad I did, I’m glad it was through your site, and I’m glad so much is in the past. Thanks, Jenny.

  39. My brother works at a mortuary. He runs funerals now, but started at the funeral home when he was not long out of high school picking up dead bodies to transport them (you know, from airports, hospitals, scraping them off the freeway etc). In any case once he drove in the carpool lane with a body in the back and got pulled over (by a cop). He tried to use the body in the back as the second passenger, but they said that dead bodies are cargo, not passengers so it didn’t count. Not sure if that makes them “property” but they certainly aren’t passengers. Learn from his mistake: don’t try using the head you’re going to try to buy as your passenger when driving in the carpool lane. It won’t work.

  40. Sadly, I feel compelled to mention that [in Canada anyway] bodies are legally the property of the estate of the deceased, and therefore, in theory, eventually belong to those who inherit the rest of the estate. Which makes me wonder about the eventual fate of my gold crowns….

  42. I am more freaked out when I am looking up something like “can my dog eat avacodoes?” and I type “c ..a..” and it’s the first choice. I think google can read my mind. #paranoia

  43. Google’s basically a TMI machine for humanity. I do a lot of searching since I write web content to pay the bills, and the other day I started a search for “How to tell when someone drops you from a Twitter list.” Google stepped in with “How to tell when someone drops you as a baby.”

  44. Well, the important thing is that is didn’t say “the dead have risen from the grave to murder us all and bring about the apocalypse.”

  45. Yeah, but if you drop a dead cat from a great height inside a box then it will exist in a state of both bouncing and not bouncing until you open the box.

    (Of course, as with all items in boxes there’s always the chance it could also be Gwyneth Paltrow’s head…)

  46. The other day I tried to Google, “How do you (the rest was going to be, screen shot on Android)
    I got the following,
    “How do you roll”
    “How do you get pink eye”
    “How do you twerk”

    I oddly screen shot this on my computer because I thought of someone rolling on drugs with pink eye trying to learn to twerk, and frankly that image made me smile.

    I am not proud.

  47. Do you think possible that the google people snuck into your room at night while you slept and hard wired your brain into their search engine and that’s why you keep getting all that stuff, just a thought……..

  48. I used to turn of that feature from Google because it bugged me that they seem to always guess what I want and most of the time, they are wrong…now I don’t mind it, as it does give some entertainment…LOL.

  49. I think that just proves that Wall Street is very prejudiced against cats. I mean, why does it have to be a dead CAT that bounces? I would bet a dead porcupine bounces, too. Particularly if it is curled up to protect itself right before it dies.

  53. I’m just relieved there’s no bloody-faced women in the links this week. Still recovering from the last round up.

  54. so, the dead CAN’T be owned by people as property??? the fuck??? oh, but thank you for the what to do flowchart. now I know I was doing it right all along. affirmation is so awesome.

  55. Wish I could tell you what I Googled on my husband’s work computer when we were in a fight…let’s just say he didn’t think it was funny (but it was!)…

  57. I am a happy fangirl that you found my UD definition, but I’m sitting here wondering “Why did one person downvote it?” It’s not bothering me in “WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?!?” sort of way, more of a “…huh?”

  58. Jesus, and you thought the Occupy Wall Street movement was for good reason. Those bastards are also cat killers, apparently. Where are all the people screaming in the streets about that?

  59. Oh, okay. I thought maybe “the dead cat bounce” was some dance craze I had missed out on. Sounds a lot more intriguing than the Harlem Shake.

  60. “Dead Cat Bounce” actually relates to that night Tiger Wood’s missus learned about what he really does with his putter, and she threw him out of the moving Cadillac.

    Note 1: He did not bounce very high.

    Note 2: He did not say “Just do it” while bouncing

    Note 3: In fact, ” just doing it” is what got Tiger and his putter in trouble in the first place.

  62. Yeah, I hate it when Google tries filling in and guessing what I’m going to type and it puts up something ridiculous that makes me wonder if I’m dreaming or if Google is smoking mascara.

  64. Sorry, but you’ve got “dead cat bounce” wrong. They don’t bounce, even from a great height, which is the whole point. A dead cat bounce refers to a graph of a stock’s price where it declines precipitously and then stays flat at the bottom. Sort of an “L” shape.

  68. So I only know Dead Cat Bounce as a comedy/music skit group that commonly performs at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. I love that I’ve been in business school for 8 months and only found out about its financial meaning!

  70. The Dead Caste is a side quest in a game, Dragon Age Origins. I recognized it right off, as I’ve been replaying it recently. Has a minimum of bloody faces zooming up to fill the screen, for a hack ‘n slash.

  71. Gotta love your tag line “Like Mother Teresa, Only Better” but you use the f word all over

  72. I was doing a search on Yahoo the other day (because Google is too newfangled to have yet earned my trust). The search was for “How to build a French drain”, but at “How to” I started getting the autofill suggestions. Amongst all the completely normal things like “tie a tie”, “draw”, “get a passport”, “lose weight”, etc., the second suggestion listed was “make chloroform”. Does that say something about my fellow Yahoo users?

  74. So glad there were no scary Japanese comic/cartoons in this week’s wrap-up. I’d have been unable to sleep again, because I can’t not click on your links. I have to say, I may be a little in love with Patrick Stewart.

  75. “The dead can hold a grudge better than most Scorpios” huh??
    Just as well I am not most Scorpios! Game on Google. Game on.

  76. You have always made me laugh and given me what I needed to get thru the day! Unfortunately it is not making me happy any more! I’m slipping down further and further! Some at my own hand because the anxiety has just completely taken over me! I’m not excusing my actions but I have handled more than anyone can an I have given clues and yet none if my family has seen or picked up because I’m there all! But nobody is mine! Shitty week, shitty months! Figuring out when the pills will take me away.

    (I’m sending you such love and know that you aren’t alone. I had a minor breakdown today and ended up crying in the bathroom for no reason whatsoever. I know it will pass but I needed someone to remind me of that. Luckily, Victor did. And he’s right. And I’m reminding you. This will pass. Depression lies. Don’t be afraid to be blunt and up front with your family about needing help. Sometimes that’s the only way they really hear. ~ Jenny)

  79. This is Google’s way of saying: “You’re awesome Jenny, and there can never be enough of your blog posts.Here, take this from me.” Google is right.

    I love the interesting stuff you find on the internets! Patrick Stewart is my hero.

  80. Nancy (#76) – You’re not alone. We’re here with you. There are people who care about you. Sometimes families are just oblivious. When that happens you have to be subtle like a brick (as my sister would say) and flat out tell them exactly what’s going on or they will keep right on being oblivious. I’m sure they don’t want to be oblivious. Give them a good scream if it’ll make you feel better. 😉

  81. “Where you’ll find me at parties” = get thee out of my head!
    I am constantly seeking out the pets at other people’s homes to let ’em out or selfishly snuggle away from all the ‘madness’ of more than 3 people in a room at the same time.

  84. Dead Cat Bounce (the comedic band) are sexy as… the tight, stretchy pants… the accents… the music. They’ve even done a doco about how one of them thought David Coverdale (of Whitesnake) is their dad, and they followed him on tour to see if he could confirm the paternity. It’s called “Discoverdale”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iU5YrStS1Mw

    Dx

  85. Yikes I hope wall street does not start bull bouncing, I don’t think a hard hat will work for that.

  88. Boy, if you haven’t seen Patrick Stewart speaking to an audience about domestic abuse on uproxx on 5/30/13, it’s really worth seeing. I had no idea.

  89. Google lies. Scorpios can TOTALLY hold grudges better than the dead. Tons of dead people I’m still mad at.

  92. Hubby is always logged into my google account, and so whenever I google or Youtube something it always recalls his search history and offers suggestions that only stupid Hubby would give a shit about – like obscure guitarists and unlikely medical ailments.

  94. i enjoy watching the comment counts on Jenny’s posts.

    Offers for free stuff…always a big hit!

    Verbal sparring with Victor…pretty interesting.

    Weird taxidermy items…pretty interesting.

    Horse ass bar stools…not so much interest. (don’t understand that one…those were great!)

    Wonder if I could get a grant to study blog comment trends. 😉

  97. I had a similar thing happen when I was looking up ‘how to…’ and one of the top suggestions was ‘how to have sex in Skyrim’ [the video game]. I don’t even remember what I was looking for in the first place.

    I hear ‘dead at bounce’ a lot in hockey, mainly when a new coach comes in and a team does well for a little bit, before being terrible again.

  98. I can’t google “how to” without “how to make chloroform” coming up as the first thing. That is then followed by “where are the dead children”. I truly hope the FBI doesn’t have a file on me.

  100. Thanks for explaining the dead cat bounce or I would have thought on how many cats had have to die in order to explain that search

  102. I’m pretty sure that dropped from a great height a dead can’t doesn’t bounce, so much as “Splat” like a very unpleasant and feline shaped water balloon. But I have no first hand knowledge of this, I am simply making an educated guess. This may go far towards explaining my distrust of anyone who tells me their profession is being “a finance guy”.

  103. Now I know never to move to Venus — I’m already 75 years old there! On the other hand, that does give me a great reason to stop working now instead of waiting another 25 years for retirement. And my, I do like quite spry for a 75 year old, if I do say so myself.

  106. I’m pretty sure one can own a human head, because I would say without fear of contradiction that I own mine. Certainly no other human being nor corporate entity can make any claim to own it.

    I’m pretty sure I used a Dead Can Dance cd as a soundtrack for a session of Vampire the Masquerade some time during the 90s. Either that, or it’s the drugs kicking in.

  108. By posting this, I’m not saying you stole this joke from Graham Norton. I’m saying you should check out Graham Norton, because you would love him. Also, Robert Downey Jr. Is hot and I don’t care how much he weighs.

  109. I know it. It’s like Facebook suggesting posts I might like. But I never like them. They don’t get me at all. At least Google is amusing…at times. Except when it suggest the thing I think is the right thing so I click on it and I realize it’s not the thing at all. Then-not so much.

  110. Is dying really that bad? I’m mean if you explain things and express your love
    And don’t want to be here knowing your better off dead
    Does it help?

  112. Nancy (#76/110) – you are loved and everyone needs you to stay here. Once you’re gone you can’t make any more changes, can’t watch your loved ones do anything, can’t feel wind in your hair, can’t jump in puddles, can’t eat chocolate… and your loved ones can’t do any of that stuff WITH you. If you leave, they’ll miss you FOREVER and it’ll hurt. So please talk to someone and don’t give up because depression lies.

  115. I’ve also read a book called Dead Cat Bounce…. I don’t highly recommend it. The writing was far too choppy.

  119. Dead Can Dance is fantastic. Beautiful music and amazing voices. The female lead, Lisa gerrard, has done lots of soundtrack work (Ali, Gladiator, Whalerider, etc) and has one of the most gorgeous voices I’ve ever heard. I’ve seen them live twice, and they just released a new album. Lovelovelove them.

  120. Jenny and All Thank you for your kind words… I am lost, I have done something just so irresponsible and buried my head that it may cost my family our home! I have to tell my husband, He has no idea that he is married to a woman who spends more time helping everyone else out and picking up everyones pieces that he married someone who basically lied and broke a sense of trust. This is my sole burden, drinking and Xanax just won’t work anymore. I have become someone I can not even look into the mirror. I just sipped some wine to calm my nerves and prepare myself for being honest and crushing my soulmates dreams. I don’t want to be here but I recognize going “out” will only add. But I do have a great sister she is helping me deal with my issue. Thank you again… Worst part I created my own shittiness

  121. Nancy you will get through this. Telling someone you love that you’ve messed something up is a very hard thing to do, but once you’ve gotten beyond that first scary (scary!) part, you have the relief of a loved one helping you to work through and find a solution. Don’t give up. 🙂 Thoughts are with you.

  122. Is it pathetic that I completely want to buy something from you JUST so it has “8 lbs of uncut cocaine” on my credit card receipt?

  125. My husband is the financial controller at a company that is definitely in the red. I just read this to him and he’d never heard the term before, but I’m pretty sure that tomorrow he’s going to order t-shirts for the company that say “Dead Cats Bouncing.” Things like this might also be why they’re in the red. It’s a vicious circle.

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