Letters to my sister

in Random Crap

Emails with my sister (who is recovering from surgery and is not really a junkie):

Lisa:  I’m taking lots of Percocet and it just makes me sad.  But then I watch Arrested Development & that makes me happy.  But then I start hallucinating ghosts and stuff & that makes me confused.  Thought about going for a walk earlier, but I’m pretty sure that’s the first step to being homeless.

me:  You are terrible at being a junkie and those drugs are wasted on you.  Switch to crack, maybe?

Lisa:  I was thinking Rogaine.  If I’m going to be strung out I might as well have nice hair.

me:  I’ve always wondered if the people on Rogaine ever get insanely overgrown thickets of pubic hair?  Because how does the pill know exactly which hair you’re wanting more of?

Lisa:  Huh. How does Rogaine know where to grow?!  You wanted a mullet?  TA-DA, back hair!  French braid?  How about knuckles so hairy you don’t need gloves anymore.  Thanks, Rogaine.

me:  What if suddenly your eyebrows are like dwarf beards, and you have to braid them just to see stuff?

Lisa: Oh, but you could weave beads and stuff into the braids.

me: Or daisies.  You could have whimsical hippy eyebrows.

Lisa:  Remember when hair feathers were a thing?  I bet we could bring those back.  But now they’re eyebrow feathers.

me:  Oh, and ear hair.  MY GOD, THE EAR HAIR.  Although, I guess if you had long enough ear hair you could just super-glue it to your cheeks.  And then?  BINGO-BOINGO: Mutton-chops.

Lisa:  Except when people were like, “Nice mutton chops, lady” you probably wouldn’t be able to hear them because of all of your ear hair, and so you’d miss a lot of compliments.  And then people would think you were bitchy for not acknowledging them.

me:  That’s why I’d wear a t-shirt that says “Sorry.  I can’t hear you over all my awesomeness.  And by ‘awesomeness’ I mean ‘super-excessive ear hair’.”

Lisa:  This makes way too much sense.

me:  It’s because you’re still high.

Lisa:  Ah.  That explains it.

177 thoughts on “Letters to my sister”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Oh, you two are so pretty, mutton-chops and all, y’all!!

    What would you do with excessive butt hair, though? You’d have pretty crappy feathers if you braided that, yeah?

  6. Fur Underwear, or “Funderwear”. Hairmuffs for the ears. Hair-Uggs, or “HUGS”. Instead of a beret it’s a “Hairet”. My God, this stuff just markets itself.

  8. The possibilities are incredible. Hairy knees? Elbows? Who needs to worry about dry skin anymore… Or, wait, that’d mean dandruff from your elbows. Shit..

  9. I’ve always had a concern about foot hair. I don’t have any but I know people who do and I think it’s one of my worse fears that I will become a foot-haired person.

  12. I would so love to see the eyebrow daisies! Not so much the ear hair.

  13. Ah, I love people on drugs. Well, medically necessary drugs, anyway. I’m awesome on drugs. I fall asleep every two minutes, wake up, and ask everyone if I cried during surgery. Over and over. It’s funny for them, at least.

  15. See, since Rogaine is topical you could potentially use it JUST like writing “I’m a Dork” in sunscreen on someone’s back at the beach. Random dots of rogaine on, say, the tops of someone’s toes…it’s like hair crop circles!!

  16. I used to wonder the SAME thing about Rogaine! But nobody else seemed too concerned about the possibility of it causing wild and unruly growths of hair so I figured I must have been missing something and kept the thought to myself.

    GLAD TO SEE I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

  17. You left out the possibility of the one giant, random hair growing out of your forehead. Fueled by so much Rogain that it grows in hyper speed and no matter how fast you pluck it, it keeps on coming.
    Your date is horrified by the constant dinnertime tweezing.

  19. I think the armpit hair would be worth talking about… you would need bigger shirts, and you could have your braids come out of the sleeve. Win-win.

  21. Please don’t encourage this generation, who are already freakishly obsessed with handlebar mustaches. We don’t need any more “hair” trends!

  26. I absolutely could already weave beads and daisies into my eyebrows, if I didn’t groom them. I guess I was meant to be a whimsical dwarf hippie? My husband is the same way. Oh, my poor daughter. We’re saving money for her laser hair removal fund, instead of the typical college fund.

  27. My sister, mother and I would often joke about being able to braid the hair on our big toes. I thought we were the only weird ones out there, but clearly not. Although, we were not on percocet at the time….

  28. If I grew excessive butt hair, I’d dye it rainbow colors, cut holes in all my pants, pull it through, and pretend to be Rainbow Dash from My Little Ponies… just sayin’.

  30. Talking about someone being high, probably the best choice of reading material I could have picked while sitting in the lobby of the Highway Patrol office.

    And Rogaine is probably all that hair that grew out of your forehead needed to turn into a unicorn horn.

  32. not to take the fun out of it… but isn’t rogaine topical? so you just put it where you want the hair to grow?

  33. My only question is: Does your sister have a BLOG?

    I’m anxiously awaiting a response here…

  34. Interesting that only Lisa was on narcotics. Your ideas just come naturally. Full of awesome

  35. You know you are on a bunch of percocet when Jenny starts making good sense! I have always wondered about Rogaine myself. I don’t need to be Helga the German waitress with the really long armpit hair.

  38. While recently high on Percocet myself (because of a pinched nerve in my ass) I sent a gentleman who is trying to get to know me and wants to take me on a date a crap load of funny (to me) memes I found online… he doesn’t talk to me as much… .

  39. I’m pretty sure Rogaine is applied topically? But in any case, I am jealous of your sister’s pain meds, as I wrenched my back pretty good yesterday trying to erect a climbing wall for cucumbers. Ow.

  41. I don’t know how to describe just how awesome that train of thought was. But now I have to try because I need to convince all my friends to read this blog!

  42. I understand your sister and the pain meds, but you are just hilariously awesome (that’s a different T-shirt) without the drugs. 🙂

  43. I saw someone else say Rogaine is applied topically, and if that is so, it opens up an entirely new door for practical jokes.

  45. Yes, Rogaine is topical. But Propecia’s not – darling honey is on it and boy does it make the hair on the backs of his hands, tops of his feet and eyebrows grow super thick and furry. On his head, where he wants it? Not so much. Also makes fingernails and toenails grow super fast, so he’s constantly trimming them.

  46. Man, everyone else gets the good stuff. Even when I had a baby all I got was Tylenol-3. For the second one they gave me Midol. Midol!

  48. Meds after a surgery can really mess up your mind! After I had my c-section with my son, the first time I saw him I saw a cartoon baby instead of my baby. It was the craziest feeling. I hope your sister heels quickly.

  50. Hair feathers are so back in fashion. Espically where I live in Canada. We have all these hippies walking around with them blowing in the wind…..but you want to get up-wind of them as the patchouli perfume they wear to hide the, ‘I’m a dirty hippie and don’t shower smell’ is a bit much. They also have these belts (where they hide thier weed) that have pockets that hang in the front, they kind of look like a belt with testicles hanging off them. Imagine a testicle belt whilst high on percocet……oh hippies, so much fun when you can’t smell them.
    Also, I wouldn’t encourage a hippie to take Rogaine. They refuse to have any sort of personal groaming skills, and that would be a sasquatch waiting to happen.

  51. I’ve reached the age that, as a man, the lovely hairstylist just clips my excess ear hair for no added charge. I’m sitting there pleasantly chatting and then *ZOOM ZOOM* they are clipped and clear again. I need to tell her to leave my awesomeness alone, (where awesome = excessive hairiness of course). I hope she reads the Bloggess.

  54. I think it helps to be on drugs when reading your blog. It really does make sense that way. But I don’t do drugs, I have taken some in the past for pain and stuff, but not on a regular basis, so maybe the drugs wouldn’t help your blog make sense. Maybe I should take some drugs and re read this to see….I’ll get back with you on this.

  57. When Lisa is on Percocet it’s like you two have a hive mind. Perhaps she has been assimilated.
    “Percocet bringing families together since…”

  58. Hope your sister as a speedy recovery, though that would be cutting short the opportunity for some more awesome blogging material…

  61. No one has seconded you putting that shirt in your shop yet? Clearly not enough druggies in this comments section.

  62. Once a hairdresser clipped my husband’s eyebrow hair. I was so mad he had to give me a drink to calm down. I should’ve slipped him some Rogaine so I wouldn’t have had to wait so long for them to grow back. All the best ideas come around after!

  66. True story: I have an older cousin with mutton chops. And another with handlebar mustachios. And a third with both those plus a pointy beard.

    My family reunions are like a Civil War reenactment on lunch break–you know, no costumes.

  67. My best friend is going in for some surgery here before long. I think my visits will probably be much like this. Should be fun.

  68. I’ve learned so much more about Rogaine than I ever wanted to know from the comments alone. WIN!

  71. No question you two are related. That read like a conversation you had with yourself! Love it.

  73. I have just added your sister to my list of “awesome people I wish I could have lunch with”.

    (obviously you are already on this list)

  74. Also added to my list? People who don’t point out that I ended the title of my list with a preposition.

  75. Unless they didn’t point it out because they didn’t know that ending a sentence with a preposition was wrong. Those people are disqualified from the list.

  77. This page so needs a “Like” button for the comments. You guys are hilarious!

  78. I have often thought about the “where does the hair grow” thing. I fear the giant, woolly muff becoming self-aware.

  79. You can tell you two are sisters 🙂 I thought Rogaine was applied topically?! That might make the hair growth localized.

    If you get that much eyebrow hair, please consider hair-chalking that stuff up. Talk about a double rainbow.

  80. i’m frightened by the prospect. I already have weird hair (usually just one) growing. what if they had friends? if I was on rogaine, i’d also end up on anxiety meds.

  83. You AND your sister are both funny?! Holidays with you two must make for lots of laughter-induced stomach aches!! Hope she’s better soon. Cheers!

  84. I think you’re on to something. We could totally convince the kids that eyebrow extentions are the next big thing. And then, once eyebrow extensions are all the rage, we sweep in wtih our overpriced eyebrow feather line. This is totally a million dollar idea, or, at least a $5,000 idea, which I would totally take right now.

  87. You know, I was about to do a lot of drugs, but I read this Cautionary Tale, I mean, “blog post” and now I’m going to give clean living a try!

  88. On ear hair. My husband trims his and calls it, “Trimming the Shires.” I have no idea what this means.
    And one day I was putting on an earring and felt something on the back of my ear. I had grown an inch long white coarse hair out of the back of my earlobe. Maybe someone slipped me some Rogaine? Mystery solved.

  89. Tell your sister to share her meds because Jenny on Percocet gets me laughing at the mere thought. Though, it would be hard to think of Jenny as even funnier. Nah. Your friend, Laurie F.

  90. You know, I have some awesome conversations with my sister, but your conversations with your sister are far more interesting. Last night I got accused of inventing an excuse to open a bottle of wine. Well, that accusation came from a lot of places on Facebook. I don’t need an excuse to open a bottle of wine. And not one person told me they like my Gettysburg wine glass that was in the picture with the bottle of wine. What’s wrong with people? Wait. What was I talking about again? I’m blaming the vicodin.

  92. Well, you just put the post I wrote, last night, about having my entire pubic area napalmed, in perspective. It could be sooooo much worse. 🙂 Perspective! Now, I have it!

  93. I see awesomeness runs in your family! Love it, and love your sister on Percocet lol.

  94. Props for the use of “bingo-boingo.” That totally made my day.
    And now to go take more Percocet.

  95. So one has to be high to reach your level of crazy, this makes sense. Because that’s the same level of crazy I’m at, love when the boy is on pain meds, (ya know if he weren’t in pain and suffering) I suddenly make sense to him

  98. Except for how your eyebrow hair only grows so long before it falls out… How does that work?? Now I’m going to go on a binge reading through my anatomy and physiology textbooks… And as for why i have those…. Nursing Student… Not just a weirdo. 😛

  99. She will probably not remember any of this! But now she can’t even deny it! It’s immortalized here for a while!

  100. Mutton chops? Damn!Now I’m hungry!…Not for hair, for chops….Really….I don’t eat hair, that would be silly….Wouldn’t it? And it would get caught in your teeth and stick out your mouth. And nothing looks worse than unruly mouth hair. Although then you wouldn’t need floss, you could just use the hair…or not. I mean you don’t use floss to get floss out of you teeth, so why would you use hair to get hair out of your teeth? Where was I going with this? I’m so confused…and hungry. But for what?…Oh Yeah! Mmmm, mutton chops….

  102. People on prescription painkillers can be hilarious to talk to – their filters are GONE. Hope Lisa feels better soon!

  103. I read the back of Rogaine (for women) package a long time ago and it said something like a side effect might happen of growing facial hair. I don’t think they were talking about one wild stray hair…so my mind went off the chart and I was picturing the possibility was there to grow a beard…mustache….sideburns, nose hairs that was so thick the buggers would be encased, eye brows that stood at attention and you could never get them to lay straight….oh I’m exhausted now. Although I wouldn’t mind bushier eye lashes…

  107. The hair on your head is unique to the rest of your body and Rogaine targets the unique structure of that hair. It can only grow on top of your head. Okay, that’s enough science, I’m out.

  110. Lower back hair! You could grow it out and shape it into different animals with hair gel! It would be like getting a new lower back tattoo every day of the week but without the pesky needles!

  112. And here I thought your blog post was funny. The comments are killing me! Hope your sister recovers quickly.

  113. This conversation makes me so happy.. I completely understand such questions..

  116. When I was a kid my mum kinda scarred me by telling me I was going to have short stubby fingers like my dad. I spent years thinking I would have short stubby hairy hands. People really need to be more careful what they say in front of kids.

  120. I’m not sure what I’m craving more after reading this post – Rogaine or whatever your sister is taking. I wish I’d read this before my daughter had to pick a science fair experiment…

  121. Okay, well…. I’m over at Dr. Weil dot com, searching for vitamin supplement info (stupid 40th b-day)….
    and low and behold there is Bloggess merchandise in the Zazzle advertisement in the side bar. HA! I know that weasel and those cats!!! Creepy stalker-ish…. right?!

  124. “Sorry.  I can’t hear you over all my awesomeness.  And by ‘awesomeness’ I mean ‘super-excessive ear hair.”

    I smell a new t-shirt….

  125. Does anyone else remember “The Peanutbutter Solution”? I bet that’s what Rogaine really is.

  126. This sounds like a normal Tuesday evening conversation with my husband…sans narcotics.

    Either we are both crazy and our normal conversations are similar to those with someone whacked out on drugs, or your sister is brilliant on opiates.

    It’s obviously the second one.

  127. Bingo-Boingo, it’s official: you and Lisa are both nuts. All that remains to be decided is which of you is the biggest wacko.

    Could it be that your sister wasn’t the only one on some good drugs during this conversation?

  129. You could be harvesting that hair to make merkins for the more follically-challenged. Awesome, plus an entrepreneurial opportunity.

  130. “Sorry. I can’t hear you over all my awesomeness. And by ‘awesomeness’ I mean ‘super-excessive ear hair’.
    I see a zazzle tee shirt link about to happen…

  132. Fab mental image before my breakfast! New Rogaine ads featuring female sasquatch roaming the woods on Percocet. You lovely (and by lovely I mean hairy) ladies forgot about the oh-so-crucial nasal fur…waiting for addendum to emails to add discussion about nasal fur!

  133. Pharmacy lesson of the day: Actually, minoxidil is available in 2 strengths in tablet form. It was originally used to treat hypertension and just happened to have the fun side effect of hair growth. That’s when companies started marketing the topical version.

  136. I want to be part of your family. But only for about 15 minutes. Any longer than that and I’d get freaked out. But that 15 minutes would ROCK!

  139. I enjoyed being on Percoset after my surgery, thinking that I was doing brilliantly. Two weeks later I checked my checking account and evidently Percoset leads one to believe that bank balances are fun! I had made such a mess of my account. Enjoy the Percoset but avoid math while on it.

  141. I keep wandering around my office today proclaiming: “Sorry. I can’t hear you over all my awesomeness.” (I leave the excessive ear hair part out . . . )

  142. rogaine is topical, but hair doesn’t always grow where you put it. my dad put rogaine on his head ONCE and it made his back hair grow so much that my mom now has to shave it every few weeks.

  143. Just wishing I could have sat around your family dinner table when you were both little.Awesome!

  145. Hysterically funny – I fell off my chair laughing! Love you and your sister!!

  147. Don’t make me laugh! Recovering from hernia surgery, without Percocet, because it makes me ofeel even crappier. But tihis is hilarious.

  149. I almost couldn’t see through the fits of laughter past ‘pubic hair’.

    YOUR conversations are the kind of high I could use. At least, NOW I don’t feel so alone.

    =)

  150. This.
    This is a little piece of perfection, right up there with “The Grieving Owl” by David Sedaris.

  152. LOL!!!! I just read your last three post and they were awesome. I, also like you sister, am on Percocet b/c of surgery I had on Monday. I look forward to reading these post again in the near future having not remembered reading them the first time. HA!!!

  153. Ohmygoodnessgracious!!

    This is my first visit here and I will be back! A customer and I were sharing blog links the other day and she suggested yours, along with some others. Sooooo glad I stopped by! You two are hilarious! My son has
    a sticker on his guitar that says: I love mullets. Made me think of him and remember how he laughed about mullets. He would have loved your blog and your keen wit.

    Becky

  155. OMG I love this exchange! I am recovering from surgery and messaging my sister as I type this. SHARING!
    Carrie the Just Mildly Medicated gal

  156. I cannot believe there are 155 comments and not a single one has mentioned the obvious.

    Hair growing on your toes? Instant Hobbit costume!

  157. Leanne, husband & I are listening to bits & pieces of “Discussing Diabetes with Owls” -read by David Sedarius. I’ve nearly peed myself a couple of times!

    I REALLY wish my Uncle Jim was still alive. That man had eyebrows that looked like long haired hamsters, and he was silly enough that he would have totally let me braid his eyebrows or put daisies or feather in them.

    This man-omg, I miss him-he was BIG-like 6 foot something, and had to go close to 400 pounds. He lived into his mid 80’s..he told us he was in the pool in Florida & this little old woman came over & would throw heads of lettuce in the pool. He said she was nearsighted & thought he was a manatee & didn’t want him to starve. I laughed so hard at that. *sigh*

  158. Do you think guys who can’t grow beards, but who desperately want one, ever think about Rogaine for their face? Or hair plugs on their chin?

  159. Totally unrelated…

    I have a picture of a toaster-jackalope!
    It’s SO YOU!
    But this widget has no upload thingy. Sad.
    What to do? Ah HA! The prompt website – its to the pic, not really my website.
    I hope you like it
    S

  160. Being a patient sucks…I’m at Mayo in Florida during the first tropical storm of the season prepping for a colonoscopy and endoscopy (at the same time a.k.a. worlds grossest three way) I currently feel like I’m about to fall through my assh&$e and hang myself. I can’t wait for the fun drugs.

  162. My sons are all grown up and have facial hair. I secretly smile that they have bald spots in their beards, because that means they are still my babies .

  163. My sister and I have conversations like this all the time, and we don’t even need the percoset. I hope your sister is feeling better soon, but your fab conversations keep being as funny as this one was.

  165. Can you please make shirts that say “Sorry. I can’t hear you over all my awesomeness. And by ‘awesomeness’ I mean ‘super-excessive ear hair’.” Because that would be fantastic.

  167. Paula, comment #157 – You just made me seriously pee my pants AND cry laughing at that comment OMG!! Every time I just think about it, I lose it again! Holy Shit, that is hilarious! (and I am at work!!) Thanks

  168. See? And this is why my friends all want me to try drugs. I have these conversations when I’m stone-cold SOBER.

  169. Leanne Tankel-you, yes you! Buy the book or better yet, listen to the audio book, because hearing the author tell it like it is adds a whole new level of funny to it.

    And Devan, glad I made you laugh. Uncle Jim would have liked that.

  170. Any post that talks about “ear hair” gets a thumbs up in my book. There’s just not enough conversation on that topic. Thanks for helping out the cause! Doing a shiver because I just got the heebie jeebies right now thinking about it. Ewwwwwww

  171. Oh, giggly! I guess I missed this earlier because my own actual sister came to town in person. And I was addicted to Arrested Development. But now I’m weaned.

  174. I love the things people say when they are drugged up and recovering. My mother couldn’t stop talking about having lunch with Donald Trump after her knee replacement.

  175. Is it bad that reading these comments just made me wonder if I could use spray on hair to give myself Hobbit Feet?

  176. This is probably one of the greatest conversation pieces ever told. And I came up with a new tagline for Rogaine; “Rogaine. When you want to look like Chewbacca.”

  177. I once saw an old fellow with so much nose hair I thought he snorted mini dish scrubbers. Maybe he packs extra grub in there for the winter. You know, those old people tend to wonder off and get lost in the woods. And then if gramps had too much ear hair, how will he hear the search party yelling for him? What a quandary.

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