UPDATED: Well, that was…not *entirely* unexpected

in Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Random Crap, weekly reruns

Did you know that Alexa gives you a list of search phrases that they believe drives traffic to your blog? Because, yeah.  Here are mine:

Honestly, I’m not sure whether I’m more “proud” or “ashamed”.  I’m leaning toward “both”.

PS.  When you actually do a google search for “sloth texas divorce” my blog is not even on the front page.  Probably because surprise sloths made our marriage stronger.  Stop jumping to conclusions, Alexa. You don’t even know us.

UPDATED ( 7 hours later):  If you google “Texas sloth divorce” this blog is now actually the very first thing that pops up.  Conclusion:  Alexa is fucking psychic.  

***********

And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the fantastically odd novel, Can’t Buy Me Love, by Summer Kinard.  It’s a story about a freegan who falls in love after finding a scrapbook in a dumpster.  The story comes complete with masked female Mexican wrestlers, lemurs and miracles, awesome lesbians, a psychic Jewish grandmother, a yarn-bombing midwife, and it’s quite possibly the only romance where tacos save the day.  You should probably buy it.

112 thoughts on “UPDATED: Well, that was…not *entirely* unexpected”

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  3. I imagine that sloths will eventually make our marriage stronger, too. So far, though, it’s just me wanting one, and my husband saying no. So, sloths are making our marriage more annoying at the moment.

  4. I’m shocked that your fourth highest search term contains neither the word fuck. or any reference to the Zombie Apocalypse.

  5. That just reminded me that I was going to make a video for my clothing line campaign, so people can hear why I don’t make videos. (Hint: my laptop sounds like it’s dying. LOUDLY.)

    That’s my way of advertising here, which I have considered in the past but I felt it would sound silly if I sent you an e-mail like, “Hey, instead of the whole month, can I try an ad on your site for three days? Because that’s about as far as my budget will stretch.” :-p

  6. I feel like a surprise sloth would make my life insanely better.
    Or any surprises, so long as their good surprises. Like naps. Surprise naps are the best.
    I want to meet a sloth.

  9. Sometimes I think the people who program computers smoke mascara or something because computers couldn’t come up with crazy shit on their own. You know? 🙂

  11. I would like to broker joint custody of Amy Schumer with you in a timeshare like situation. My closet is very spacious.

  13. I now have guilt that my dentist misses me. Here all this time she was hurting me because she hated me. Turns out she was a sadist.

  14. If you are inventing your own coffee cups that say “Aunt” on them, well my kids are obviously falling down on their jobs. Excuse me, while I’m off to create some World’s Greatest Mom shirts for myself.

  15. HA! All my search terms have the words poop in them, probably because I have the same locker room humor as a 12-year old and most of my posts include that word. Almost.

  16. I can’t even imagine why “sloth texas divorcel would be searched often enough to be the #4 result for ANY website, but if it was going to happen, of courseurse it would happen to you.

    I totally mean that as a compliment.

  17. Someone found my site by googling ‘Bloggess fart’. WTF, google!? I’ve blogged about you and I’ve blogged about farts but never about *your* farts. That would be weird.

  19. That dentist story is blowing my mind every time I think about it. Thank you for sharing.

    Also, I think we should all chip in for that Tardis. I mean, when you really think about it, shipping costs aren’t necessary – we’d just need a one-way ticket to Australia.

  20. Well, I want to be reincarnated as a sloth, so a sloth could only enhance my life (and divorce would not be life-enhancing for me.) I wonder if I should Google “sloth divorce Colorado”?

  22. Google never does that great of a job translating websites. I speak Portuguese fluently and that translation is absurd! But I’m so excited that now all my friends in Brazil will get a chance to read your book!
    Anyway, if you want I can translate that page for you. If you ever need anything translated from Portuguese to English (or English to Portuguese) don’t hesitate to ask.

  25. I’m glad that the divorces haven’t spread to other states. If we can keep that shit contained in Texas, maybe we can save the marriages in the other 49. Rick Perry, are you listening? We have a fresh argument for you to use, here!

  27. Can I say that the post about the dentist was really lovely? I really appreciated it, thanks.
    Also, I love sloths, so if I happened to be married they would probably make my (invisible) marriage stronger. Unless my (non-existent) husband had a phobia of sloths. That would be weird.

  28. Since my blog has the word Shit in it, I am gonna need those Shit greeting cards Fo-Sure! Oh, and the Shit t-shirt just because it rocks. Wonder if I can get a tax deduction on them since it is for business??

  29. I feel bad now that I had to say goodbye to my dentist, and my OBGYN. I didn’t die though, thank goodness! I just moved halfway across the US. But they were great doctors, and my dentist was especially fond of my family since 3 people from my family have gone there. He always liked to keep up with us and was very friendly every time I went in! Totally amazing perspective though. I’ve talked down a few people who needed a little more love in life, and while I hope nobody needs my help that way in the future, if they do I’m gonna use that perspective. I remember in the past I had a particularly tough time helping one person who was very determined, and while I do feel like I helped in the long run, after a certain point I had a hard time bringing even more perspectives to help that person. Thanks for giving me more ideas, that might help in the future!

  30. You was robbed of the Humor Audio book of the year. On another note, Colin Firth reading The End of the Affair? I’ll be the one lounging in a shady room with a giant wine slushy and a fan gently blowing, ear plugs firmly in place.

  32. At no time when I have googles “sloth Texas divorce” have I gotten to your site. (I use 8 pounds of uncut cocaine, just so you know what really counts!)

  33. While I’m not a fan of the c-word, it has been applied to me in the past. I’d like to own that coffee cup just so, when someone is struggling to find some horrible epithet to hurl at me, I can hold it up and say, “Been there, done that. Talk to the mug.”

  34. The Bloggess, your one stop shop for divorcing your sloth! I think you could really run with this!! Also that mug is hilarious and I kinda want to give one to my boy’s awful super religious aunt

  35. The only reason you lost is because the OTHER title used a CURSE word and we know you would NEVER, do that. SUCKS big time, but you are our winner. Your friend, Laurie F.

  37. Don’t feel bad. A couple of my latest search terms: “I’ve got on my big girl panties, bitch bra and shitkicker boots,” “I love stickers and raccoons hunting with pellet guns,” “I wrote ‘bitch’ in my GPS and it lead me to your driveway” and “Boy squirrel glued in a French maid dress cleaning the house.” See? I make you feel normal.

    You. Are. Welcome.

  38. Now if you google it, your blog is at the top! I’m convinced they put that on there so it would become a commonly searched phrase and is now conveniently associated with your blog.

  40. I am visiting my in laws in Texas Hill Country and really want stalk you. My husband says no. However if you see pictures of me with you way in the background titled, “coffee with The Bloggess” even though you have no recollection of having coffee, just know that I won the whole stalking debate

  41. I’m not sure if that is supposed to imply someone is searching for how two sloths can get divorced in Texas or how to complete a slow, lazy divorce in Texas?

  44. “What? You can’t get divorced! Everyone at school will know! I don’t want to come from a broken home! What!!? We’re moving to another tree!? But all my friends are in this tree! GOD! YOU’RE RUINING MY LIFE! I’m going to go slowly cross the road and then you’ll be sorry!”
    – Sloth teenager

  45. How very excellent, I was looking for a good book, I clicked the link and bought it for Kindle in less than 30 sseconds. Hopefully it’s similar humor to yours. Thanks!

  47. I can only hope that one day people will search for my blog under something as AWESOME as sloth texas divorce.

  48. The article about the woman and her dentist misses a lot of points about how depression works. For one thing, the people who would be sad if you died tend to also comprise the group of people who get tired of dealing with your depression while you are alive. Secondly, and most importantly, it plays into the accusation that suicide is selfish. Of course people would be sad if you killed yourself, but that’s not often you think about when you want to. What you think about is, how I can I stop hurting? How can I feel so much nothing and so much everything at the same time, and why won’t it stop? Taking responsibility for how my dentist would feel just adds to the guilt. Instead I make myself an impossible goal. You can’t do this, you haven’t owned a pygmy hippo yet. Get that hippo, and then you can revisit this question. Then I chug some caffeine, put on some Prince music, and schedule a med check.

  49. Your Brazilian book review (which I will hereafter refer to as your Brazilian) references your 15-year “tortuous” marriage to Victor. “Tortuous?” Kind of personal considering they did not get your gender correct in the review. In other news, today someone found my blog by searching Google for “molly dumbass.” My mother would be so proud.

  50. I’m sorry, I do have assumptive tendencies ..

    Sincerely,
    Alexa in San Antonio

  51. So wait….this tardis is listed as used? Is the seller thereby implying he has actually “traveled” the space/time continuum ? If someone were to purchase said used tardis and find that it is in fact unable to transport them back to that unfortunate day in gym class when everything wet bad- would seller have to refund the purchase price plus the price of crushed dreams?

  53. Don’t give her the credit of being psychic. It’ll just go to her head. Then she’ll spread more lies about people and propagate more erroneous information.

  54. I can almost guarantee that the inside of that Tardis will bring you nothing but disappointment. But The Inside of Amy is funny as shit!

  55. The “Aunt” mug is hilarious!! And the sloth divorce rate in my neck of Texas is horrendously high. They’re everywhere!

  57. I just finished your book and I wondered if it was on audio too! I will have to be more responsible about where I read/listen to it though, because I was using my downtime at work to read and began laughing manically. This is especially inappropriate because I work in the surgical waiting room in a hospital. I tried to recover by pumping my fist in the air and saying, “surgery was successful” but it didn’t make it any less weird for anyone.

    PS. You are PHENOMENAL!

  58. Frankly I’m dissappointed that sloth Texas divorce didn’t rank higher on that list. Clearly, Internet searchers have NO idea what this blog is about.

  59. I keep trying to put together those words in a coherent manner relating to one of your posts I’ve read. I’ve been reading for 2 years and nothing is coming to me. You’re an anomaly in so many ways.

  62. My blog is so new that Alexa thinks I’m nonexistant. Which, you know, in Alexa terms, I am.

    Which when combined with Alexa being psychic means that Alexa needs to concentrate more.

  64. And the eighth thing that shows up is “Joe and Tina Simpson divorce.” I’ve never heard of them, but I imagine they are famous sloths who got divorced?

  65. I think I will have to follow your orders and read that book. Sounds like a cross between a Tom Robbins book and the Tales of the City series – fabulous! Love the blog!

  66. Do you know what happens when you serch for,
    “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine”

  67. ^^^ Alisa up there, thank you.

    Except I usually listen to Steely Dan, but yeah.

  69. The I Suck at Girls alleged writer guy, who shall remain nameless, does not even get a mention on Google Sloth Texas Divorce searches.

    So exactly who does he think he is?

  72. You are completely fucked up. Not in a bad way. More like in a funny abortion joke kinda way. Like, the shits hilarious, but I kinda feel bad about enjoying it so much. This is a compliment, by the way. Just finished your book. Even read parts out loud to my husband. I wish I could shrink you down to the size of a GI Joe and carry you around in my purse for when I have a bad day. Or for parties. There is an idea. You could make a doll that said phrases. But not the shitty ones from when we were kids, but one you could get updates on and just keep building a library of more and more shit that the doll could say. That would be so awesome. I want a cut, though, since it was my idea.

  73. Well, I wouldn’t say YOU LOST.

    You came in behind Shit My Dad Says. THAT ain’t losing, Tutz. That’s still winning.

  75. I want to quit my job and raise sloths here in Connecticut. I figure they won’t get very far if the fence breaks.

  76. I think they made Kristen Bell’s marriage stronger as well. Sloths, bringing people together, since well, whenever these videos of them started going viral.

  77. When I type my URL into Alexa, all I get is, “She-WTF is this? Just kidding, no one cares.”
    So, when the internet clairvoyantly credits me with the demise of the nuclear meerkat family, I’ll know I’ve made it.

  78. My husband’s totem animal is a sloth. The 3 toed one, not the crabby bitey/slashy 2 toed kind.

    He laughed pretty hard at the owl video, and he isn’t like me-the President of the Easily Amused Club.

    I had a broken racing pigeon who would to that head thing. And he liked to help me walk too-here’s how..Hold pigeon against your chest, wings between boobs, head facing outwards. Walk. Pigeon will obligingly bob his head to assist you in walking.

  79. It is exciting that you were a FINALIST for humor audiobook of the year!! WOO HOO Jenny!

  80. So, the product reviews for the “A unt” mug crack me up- because its Monday and I don’t know how to read a review website and the reviews were for the mug itself, not that specific design. So the first review was talking about how crisp the colors are and how it was a “good reminder for evangelicals”. It took me several confused moments to realize that it was a “Products like this” review about a mug with bible scripture on it….

  82. You find the best stuff on the internet. The post “Don’t kill yourself. Your dentist will miss you. And so will I” was very moving and thought-provoking.

  84. I’ve been hoping to get Dave a sloth anniversary afternoon someday, but maybe it won’t cause a divorce since we’re in Minnesota, not Texas. I can only hope.

  86. I had to check, just out of curiosity. You are now the top google return for “sloth divorce”. Not just in Texas anymore!

  87. My biggest traffic-driving search terms all have to do with The Hunger Games or possum porn. Also, Alexa has decided my keyword is “end of days.” Which seems appropriate.

  88. Well, I am 21,973,606 in the Global Rank according to Alexa.

    I HAVE MADE IT!!!!!!!! Granted there is NO other info, but I am not picky. There are around 7 billion people on the planet, and frankly those are good odds… 😉

  90. Long time follower and totally in love with your style – I love the banter between you and your husband. I don’t know if you have ever ran across this girl’s work but it reminds me of something you would enjoy so much and I had to share. Jessica Joslin on Facebook (didn’t want to share web address without being asked). Her ark is so incredible. Thanks, and thanks for the entertainment. Dale.

  92. This would make a great subject for one of those Google versus Bing search engine challenges – who does a better job with “sloth texas divorce”?

  96. I think Zazzle may have blocked or removed your cunt cup link? I mean Aunt. I would totally be able to sell some of those on Twitter. People love that word there.

  98. Huh. Apparently some humor-challenged corporate drone at Zazzle found the image of your mug offensive and removed it, because your link pretty much goes to a blank page now.

  100. I am so bummed that the mug has been removed – I went back today to buy one. 🙁

  101. My son loves Outrageous Acts of Science, we have been singing “Rotate your Owl” all week!

  103. Hey!

    Your link (Technically it says “aunt“. The handle is just in…an unfortunate place.) previously went to a cup I knew I wouldn’t be able to send to my Mother-in-Law without a lot of recriminations. However….the link no longer links to that wishful thinking cup.

    Not the most interesting of comments, but accurate. This in itself makes a change.

    Yours, Hermelness

  104. erm, did the audiobook award people READ your book? The cobra thing and the zombie apocalypse thing is AWESOME, but things you did on your blog and at the bloggers conference. In my book, you win.

  105. in above comment, I was referring to the review that went along with the announcement.

  106. “If something happens that you don’t like, if someone treats you poorly, what do you do?”
    “I pretend it never happened,” I say.”

    Excerpt From: A. M. Homes. “May We Be Forgiven: A Novel.” Viking Adult, 2012-09-26T14:00:00+00:00. iBooks.
    This material may be protected by copyright.
    This reminded me of your book which I really admired.

  107. Oh GAWD! I actually FOUND a guy in the UK last year that would make me a life-size TARDIS for $400. but the shipping would kill me. boo hoo. I’ll probably just turn my kids doors into tardises (tardisi?)

  109. Jenny, thank you for all that you share, both good and bad. Thank you for making us laugh, making us think, and letting us know that it’s okay not to be always perfect or more importantly, that it’s not a horrible thing to feel broken.

    I feel very broken.

    The article about the dentist missing her patient was deeply appreciated. To offer a counter to another poster who felt that the article missed points, I would say that it’s a matter of perspective. When you don’t feel like you have any friends/family to tire out by dealing with your depression, realizing that maybe there are those who would care and whom you would have been unlikely to think of DOES make a difference. My mother died not too very long ago and I’ve spent the majority of the time since wading through different depths of depression. I’m getting tired.

    My father committed suicide when I was barely in elementary school. My mother died recently, at far too early of an age. I have no siblings and a small extended family, few of whom look outside their own immediate family circle to care much about that odd, geeky, weird niece/cousin who never really fit in with everyone else. My best friend lives over a thousand miles away, as do the other couple of people with whom I feel I can talk freely (and who might actually give a damn.)

    After Mom died, I moved away from the small town where my family had lived for over sixty-five years because I was the last one there and I couldn’t take the ghosts anymore. I moved to a completely different region of the country, and I’m glad I did, but I don’t know anyone here and I don’t make friends easily, though not for a lack of wanting to do so. Finally, I work from home, though I hope and desperately need to change this so I can meet people here. But for now, I’m alone. I easily go through days without actually talking to another human.

    Because of my father’s history, I’ve always felt somehow that suicide would never been an option for me, as if I had something to prove about my bloodline. I’ve outlived my dad by seven years so far. And despite me feeling lost and low enough to toss all of this up on the internet (?!)(also, sorry about this to all you reading), I don’t think I’m in the place where I’ve even begun to consider it as a remotely viable option. Still, when the best reason you can think of to not kill yourself is because there’s no one else to take care of your pets, there’s a problem.

    I’m intelligent, I’m in reasonably good health, and with the move I made, there are lots of possibilities I can see that where my life could become enjoyable again. What I focus on in all of that is that my intelligence, the one trait of mine I’ve always been proud to possess, actually makes me more susceptible to depression. Awesome.

    I know this is a lot of junk to wade through and I apologize. But reading that there are people out there who might reasonably miss me if I were gone; well, it helped today. For that I wanted to thank you. I started reading that article the day you posted it, but stopped and had to save your post so I could come back to it.

    I would also like you to know that the phrase that goes through my mind frequently now is, “depression lies.” I know this intellectually, but I can’t always feel it. I’m trying, though. I gain strength from knowing this is true, because I think you’re an incredible person, yet I know from your writing that it’s something you can’t always see. This opens up the possibility of it being true for me as well. Thank you.

    (Yes, I know I need to go back into counseling. I keeping planning to do this. It’s just a matter of being able to get out of the hole I’m in long enough to go do it and it just hasn’t happened yet.)

    (Do NOT give up. I’m going through the same thing. Maybe it’s the weather. Regardless, depression lies. It lies to you and it lies to me. You aren’t alone. ~ Jenny)

  110. For continuity’s sake, I’m going to post here, too, even though there are a ton of comments being made this evening on your current entry. (I’m garrulous today, but I guess there’s a lot that has been pent up for a while.)

    Thank you so very much for replying to me in the above post. Thank you for seeing it, for seeing me there, and for taking the time to offer acknowledgement I truly needed. As odd as the phrasing of this is, it felt so good to have my existence recognized. That it was done so by someone whom I admire made it even more poignant. I cried, and they were tears that said I was happy to be seen, sad to be in such a state, hopeful at the message, sorrowful that I wasn’t sharing something better… What a combination.

    I wish I could return the help to you somehow. As most of your fans do, I know you have your own issues and problems, which you share with us with great honesty and strength. I find your writing funny and enjoyable, and the things you achieve are impressive, from a best-selling book to the red dress to reaching out to so many of us. I don’t hold you in esteem simply for those things, though. Instead, I admire you because you manage all this despite all the crappy things that affect you; that you persevere through it all. That you do so while sharing a great deal of it with an audience whom you manage to make laugh at the same time… it’s amazing.

    We need people like you, Jenny. We need to see that great doesn’t mean perfect, and that our flaws are a part of us being human instead of seeing ourselves as flawed humans. I hope you’ll believe this and know that you make such a positive difference.

    You helped me today, and I’ll remember it.

    Thank you.

  111. Now I’m crying too. Depression is such an asshole. Hang in, people, hang in.

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