Huh.

in Random Crap

Every few months I check my google analytics to see what sort of things are bringing people to this blog.  Then I almost immediately question my life choices and wonder if people are just fucking with me.  Usually I share a few of the more what-the-what searches, but this one is so baffling it deserves it’s own post.

More than a dozen people came to this blog in October looking for this phrase:

I’m a little frightened.  And impressed.  And fairly certain I’ve found my tribe.

Welcome home, you wonderful freaks.

 

165 thoughts on “Huh.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. That is oddly specific. Thank goodness Google directed them here. It really does know best.

  5. it was the “dress up cats” part that got you, dear. this is hunter s. tomcat’s search….

  6. Do you ever try to replicate their searches to figure out how their query led to your blog? Or do you just somehow know, “Oh, yeah, I see how that brought them here”?
    At any rate, thank you for being there to answer all Google search terms, no matter how esoteric. You are helping the world.

  7. You really attract a fantastically creative following. I, on the other hand, seem to be a magnet for Ukrainian porn-hounds.

  10. So I had to Google that phrase – there are ten results and you’re the top two, so it’s no wonder people end up here when they’re looking for it.

  13. As a guy who works with Analytics, you probably only got one visit from that dude, but the sampling algorithm Google uses reported a larger number.

  15. And why does imaginary Geraldo have a floor that is apparently actually made of lava, since I’d assume that’s how he lost his leg?

  16. I’m not surprised… I believe I’ve typed something similar in Google Search and ended up here, as well!

  22. Okay, now wait…
    – losing a leg while pretending the floor is hot lava… yup, I get this, check.
    – dressing up cats like movie stars when you’re not home… yep, check and check.

    But imaginary-geraldo??? How did I miss this? Is this something new??? I am totally on board, but mama needs some details!

  23. While reading you book I thought perhaps we were somehow related. I do have relatives in Texas, so it made me wonder…… or maybe it was just the mentality that I related to – 🙂

  24. whoever said the world does not make sense is clearly misusing the internet.

  27. If someone searched for cooking tips and landed on your blog, I would be shocked. This, this does not shock me one bit! LOL

  28. I am totally with Jess…I get the last part of the search…but the Imaginary Geraldo is just to weird…..

    I hope one of those 13 are still lurking here and can tell us what they were looking for, you have to know when they got here they realized they were home!

  29. Lol! They must be members of one tribe since they seem to be looking for the same kind of leader… which seems to be you.

  30. I CLEARLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. *deletes google cache*

    I’m just a totally normal human individual with a penchant for vodka/klonopin smoothies. DON’T JUDGE ME!

    *dies a tiny futile death on the internet*

  31. Do you think it was 13 different people? Or just one person who checked 13 times to see if the answer had somehow changed? Which would be worse?

  33. I’m more than disappointed in myself that I wasn’t one of those who searched.

    Get your act together, valerie.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  34. I see that some people have never played The Floor is Lava game. Which is almost as shocking.

  36. For lack of anything eloquent to say:

    That is fucking awesome. Hahahaaa!

  40. I think all readers should google something like that to read up on updates. That way you can see that 600,000 searches for something bizarre lead us back to you. Like a quite about pulling your surgery drains out. 😉

  41. I’m pretty sure they poke smot. If you were poking smot it would explain seeing an imaginary-Geraldo on a floor made of lava. All 13 of them must have poked smot together. Since there is 13 it could be a cult…

  44. Once, I was googling some song lyrics, and I typed in the words “Sometimes I” and the very first google autofill suggestion was “Sometimes I like to lay on the floor and pretend I’m a carrot.” I’m pretty creative, but I couldn’t make that shit up. I took google’s suggestion and followed that link, slightly afraid of what I might find, and it led to…..nothing. Just a bunch of random websites with no connection to either floors or carrots (or carrot-themed porn) (at least, not as far as I could tell).

    I think the Internet is just fucking with you.

  45. Seems about right. For all its dark and awful corners, the internet sure can be a delightfully weird place when you find your kind, no? *settles in*

  46. Impressive. I also think it’s weird that more than a dozen people thought to type that exact phrase… Where can I find you all? I, too, feel as though I belong wherever it is you are…

    Oh wait, you’re all here? Oh, thank God.

  47. Hunter S was Googling himself. And Geraldo. You should probably have a chat with him. Sounds like it’s that time.

  48. I suspect Google just has you as the default “we have no idea what the hell this search query means, so we’ll send this person to Jenny. She’ll know what to do”

    And you do. Thank you!

  49. OK, first you win the “my gallbladder was trying to kill me the MOST” award away from me, now you’re winning the most bizarre blog searches away from me. My competitive nature is not appreciating this! I’m going to have to get back to work. Maybe I can at least win the “my blog has the LEAST references to Geraldo” award…

  53. That number would have jumped to 14, only my search was for imaginary Phil Donahue.

  54. My, Lord…there are people stranger than me. I’m terrified. You should all be terrified. Especially if you knew me.

  56. It’s obvious that Google is on drugs. Or we are…but then, while I’ve never tried to force my cat to accept my definition of stylish, she does have an Imaginary Geraldo doll and he only has one leg…and there IS lava in my basement…so perhaps not…

  60. This sounds a bit like a frequent commenter on my blog, who I’m convinced is a foreign spam bot with a bad translation matrix — as an example, week’s submissions included Its like women and men don’t seem to be involved except it’s something to do with Woman gaga!” and “Dieting your cat might not be the end goal spiritual maturity might be the end goal”.

    On the other hand? The search text sounds SO MUCH like something you might actually have written. Maybe your future self is trying to send you a message?

  62. That…is awesome. I adore search terms. I should totally post a screenshot of mine on my blog. My favorites so far are “junk in uterus” and “penis sleeve banner”, neither of which are as bizarrely specific as yours.

  64. I find it amazing that 13 people went to trouble of typing that exact phrase. If I were looking for that, I’d abbreviate it to something like “imaginary Geraldo leg floor lava cats movie stars” (which totally still works, I tested it). I couldn’t be bothered to type the whole thing.

    Also, you should check those analytics tomorrow to see how many of us actually searched on that phrase. I bet its popularity goes way up. I know it’s at least up to 14 now.

  68. When I check my Google analytics I am just reminded of man’s sad inhumanity toward man. But then I also feel that way when I check on my children.

  71. You were probably noted on reddit (which happens every week or two).

    So, yes, people are just fucking with you.

  72. We need internet detectives! We must find these people (person?) and get them to tell us their wonderful secrets! Maybe they know why Imaginary Geraldo is dressing up my cats, and how he so swiftly gets up my four story walkup with only one leg! Does he wear more clothes than real Geraldo? The world must know!

  73. Makes me wonder about the techs at Google who program the search parameters. That is scarey.

    Of course you’re being fucked with. That’s what tribe members do to one another. 🙂

  74. Looks like it’s an excerpt from this post:
    thebloggess.com/2012/05/and-thats-why-i-dont-use-the-garbage-disposal
    So maybe someone quoted the post somewhere and people wanted to find where it was from? But twelve of them all using the exact same quote is still odd.

  76. “Imaginary-geraldo.” Sounds like one of those freaky childrens’ books that I read when I was small and that warped me into the person I am today. Of course, if I wasn’t the person I am today, I would not be part of such an awesome tribe, so it’s all good.

    Now I am off to have some nightmares about imaginary one-legged people of hispanic descent.

  77. You have to wonder if this is some weird denial of service attack that not only made no sense but also failed to bring down your site. But then again, they weren’t very good at it if they only sent the search term 13 times.

    JIHAD

    (Sorry, just fucking with Prism. Hey, maybe it was Prism!)

  79. As one of your loyal minions, I long for an official tribal name to cement our alliance on Earth. It is time 😉

  80. The Floor Is Lava!!!! Love that game! I’m trying to get it going office wide! We can’t leave our chairs or touch the floor! It’s lava after all! How does one lose a leg playing that game? And how is he getting into my home when I’m not home to dress up my cats? Like movie stars no less? I must find this imaginary – Geraldo. But he is imaginary so maybe I can’t find him. In that case, who is really dressing up my cats?

  81. I can only imagine how many people used the phrase “knock knock muthafucker”. I mean, that’s how I direct people to your blog.

  84. Just Googled “booger recipe peanut”, and actually got recipes for booger balls. Maybe now, this wonderful tribe will show up instead. Might have to try that recipe though.

  85. Now get back in the TARDIS and actually write that post so the 13 people (and all the rest of us) can now find it, whenever now might be.

  86. That’s a pretty specific search. Love it!
    My weirdest this month is “how to make an origami penis” but that’s probably because I wrote a How to Make an Origami Penis tutorial. I’m just guessing.

  88. I am most alarmed by the fact that you only check your analytics every few months. Did you mean to say every few hours?

  91. Now I feel like I don’t search interesting enough things. Guess what I’ll be doing tonight…

  93. Hmmm. I think the search terms I use are far too generic. I need to be more specific. And creative.

  94. Why would it not have taken you to Allie Brosh’s website? She has that awesome drawing of someone running in lava. That’s at least somewhat related. Can there be a new reality show where the winner gets to make REAL Geraldo run in REAL lava?

  95. Even though my blog is mostly about poetry, or my glamorous life (ha ha), or the turning of the seasons in my four-season city, the top search term that brings people to it is “North Style reviews.” Because I wrote a strongly worded letter to a catalog from which I have never even ordered. But this definitely beats that.

    Unless you consider that people occasionally find me using the term “garbage fetish.”

    By the way, I read your book about a month ago. You totally rock. I wish you, the family, and the taxidermied animals lots of happy fun times with lollipops and bubbles.

  97. Google can be very…whimsical sometimes. Last night I did a search There’s an…(app for that), because I couldn’t remember if app was spelled with one p or two and this came up http://imm.io/1dyO7. Really Google? those are your top choices for There’s an…? Is that old saying in Tennessee “oh shit, there’s an owl in the shower!”?

  100. Thanks to Twitter, we never have to imagine Geraldo again…. *shudder*

  101. LOL…our two year old Lab plays “the Floor is Lava” every night, she wants to sit with me but can’t come over from the other couch with out walking across the coffee table.

  103. I just typed that whole thing into search (I may have skewed your results – sorry) just to see what comes up. You are the first 3 results , but there are also results for goodreads, tumblr, and myspace.

  104. This sounds a lot like a boyfriend I had in grade school. He was imaginary, too. But his name was Phil Donahue.

  107. God, I wish I could “like” some of these comments! You all make me laugh 😀

  109. I would like to say that I ready your post about Jenny’s favorite things, decided to give this whole doctor who thing a try, stole my boyfriends Netflix password, and now have no life because i’m officially obsessed… thanks a lot 🙂

  110. I’m with everyone else on getting hung up on the “imaginary-geraldo” part of the search. Plus we are all going to search on that term and drive it up even more….okay maybe that’s just me. And if he dresses the cats up when you aren’t there, does he leave them dressed up when he leaves or put everything back nice and neat? I mean playing dress up without sharing or at least taking pictures is kinda creepy really.

  111. Personally, I’d like to meet the people who find their way here through the phrase “holiday miracle working boar” but these people also seem very nice.

  112. One time I got fed up while looking for contact information for a local newspaper and searched “NORTHWEST PRESS MOTHERFUCKING CONTACT INFORMATION GOD DAMN IT” and one of the results was your site. I never did find the contact info.

  114. I now have an officially diagnosed blogging syndrome: “search results envy.” When another blogger’s search results are that much cooler than yours. I tend to have people searching for Marcel Proust. Recently I’ve added in people searching for bear jokes. I can build on that, I think.

    As always, you provide an outstanding example of what to aim for!

  116. Now I’m going to add to the list because I just googled it out of curiosity. I guess you wrote a post in 2012 about selling imaginary friends. Hence “imaginary-geraldo.” How anyone would remember that phrase and think to google it though…

    I kind of want to go back and find a random, unusual phrase of yours and keep googling it/clicking through. For reasons.

  117. New hipster band named “Imaginary Geraldo” being formed in three…
    two…
    one.

  121. Dear God in Heaven! I’m dying over the poster “poking smot”! I don’t comment often, but I often feel that I have found my people. <3

  122. I’m finally listening to your audiobook and I’m on the 3rd disc! Love your voice, have laughed a ton (wish I had the pics, but I’ll get the book too) and even got a bit teary this evening when you were talking about the time when you realized home was no longer the small town of your childhood. I’ve been there and it was heart-breaking. Unfortunately, I haven’t found my Victor, but maybe someday! Thanks for sharing your story!

  123. This is not a good week to mention Geraldo, considering his creepy, Weiner-esque photo circulating around the web this week. I had just gotten the image out of my mind and now it’s back. God help me.

  124. If I ever somehow forgot your name and/or your blog name (or I become one of those older people who have forgotten about URLs and just access all pages through Google search results), then the phrase I would use is “transvestite legos”.
    (If I could find it, I would insert the link of a video from an Australian comedy skit show, where there’s a girl playing with her dolls and then says something in a deep, manly voice, skeeving out both the dad and the audience)

  126. After 5 seconds of deep contemplation, my explanation of that criteria is that the person forgot to clear the previous searches they had done from the Google bar and ended up with all of them smushed (yes, it’s a word) in together. Then it made them laugh, so they searched it 13 times. Makes perfect sense, right?
    Ironically, someone searched “gyno & paper sheet & butt” and found my blog today. Which would make sense if they had even looked at my post about an IVF I did in Europe, but that page hasn’t been viewed in a few days. I keep imagining someone who got a paper cut on their ass from their gyno, for some reason.
    My least fav search ending at my blog was “sweet young thing eating papaya”. Gross.

  127. I love your glorious brain Jenny. Pick a phrase at random from any of your writings and they are so illogical as to be almost mystical. Humans are illogical creatures, hence we flock to your awesome blog.
    PS I’m totally with you on Doctor Who, as I do indeed possess a soul, and it belongs to David Tennant. PPS Have you ever watched any of the old series? I was raised on the shows from the 70s which I think must’ve had a budget of about $10 per episode … 🙂

  128. I feel like Google needs to institute a new policy that basically sends people to you when the algorithms can’t come up with a logical answer to their query. They could call it the Bloggess Error: “We’re sorry, your search was too fucked up to decipher. Head over to The Bloggess and sort yourself out.”

  130. I think I need to start a Queen cover band named ‘Ukrainian Porn Hounds’…

  131. Yipes! I found your blog in June, I think, and I can’t remember with what phrase, but at that time I was querying “valium for dogs”, and things along that line. 😉

  132. Haha, I do this quite a bit and often think about making a top 10 list of my weekly weirdest searches. Every time I check my analytics searches, I end up being simultaneously entertained, yet disgruntled in terms of the type of traffic my blog reels in. Some WEIRD shit.

  133. your tribe is made up of some of the zaniest, wackiest, craziest people ever. It’s awesome.
    so glad to be a part

  134. I’m sorta cheating by posting here but I figure there is more chance you will read this than the post for the thing you can’t live without which has over 3000 (!!) entries…A old lady died and gave all of her books to my library. Among the boxes were a whole stack of old Doctor Who paperbacks from the 80’s. If I sold them on Ebay I’d probably get arrested but if I mailed them to you, probably not. Let me know if you’re tempted.

  135. I seem to remember the cats playing “the floor is made of lava”, or maybe I made that up?

    Imaginary Geraldo, though? That’s a little cray cray.

  138. I got one who was searching for Scottish Brothels, but in fairness I may have mentioned my Scottishness and brothels but not on the same post and I don’t think, if the wife is reading this that I have ever said that I have ever visited a brothel in Scotland or anywhere else although my wee brother did once in Kenya Many tears ago, so I told my mum on the back of a postcard all about that trip OF HIS and how he managed to get a broken arm after asking for a refund…. but that is entirely another story altogether

  140. Actually I think I remember reading that phrase in your comments – on a post about how your family don’t get that your Internet friends aren’t like imaginary friend’s, or something? Or I’m losing my marbles worse than usual, because that is a really weird phrase to *imagine* that I remembered reading…

  142. That’s…odd. My question, though, is how do you only check your analytics every few months? I am strangely compelled to look at mine everyday. They always says the same thing: “no one visits you!”

  143. WOW..

    No wonder the NSA, UK and Feds want to censor search terms….just imagine…

  144. That inspired me to check my own blog. Someone came to my blog this week by searching for “green fecal droppings on eggplant leaves.” I don’t know if that was for my garden blogging (in which I never, ever mention eggplants) or my incisive political and social commentaries (which I’d hate to think of as fecal droppings, but, you know . . . ).

  145. I’m not surprised by the random search phrases, but mostly I’m impressed by the 27 million visits part.

  146. So, because of this post I spent several minutes of fun entering lengthy and weird sentences into google search and then randomly clicking on what google suggested. LOL That outta screw with some peoples’ minds…

  147. Pretty sure I remember doing all of those when I was little, but not necessarily at the same time… Two out of three, maybe.

  149. I’m betting at least 13 high school students plagiarized from your blog. Whenever I’m a little suspicious of a student’s writing a just type in the phrase I’m pretty sure they did NOT write. Now I want to know what kind of writing assignment they were fulfilling.

  150. A startling number of people find my blog by searching “cuttlefish porn.” But this doesn’t surprise me ’cause I actually did write about cuttlefish porn. I also wrote about vagina lollipops. I’m beginning to think *I’m* what’s wrong with the internet….

  151. it’s like that person searched for your blog while watching daytime TV, facebooking, and listening to Science Friday on NPR. I totally admire their ability to get shiz done with an extreme case of ADD.

  154. Well, we have all just thoroughly messed up your google search results now since I’m willing to bet that every single one of the commenters (myself included) searched some variation of “imaginary geraldo” and “cats dressed up as movie stars”. Adjust your results accordingly.

    What I find more disturbing is that, immediately after the Bloggess posts that come up as search results for “imaginary geraldo cats like movie stars”, the next entry is “Geraldo Rivera tweets nearly-nude photo”. Even Jenny could not make that one up.

  161. Yeah, it amazes my husband every day what makes me feel normal…this totally does!

  162. I like to check up on my freaks too! The weirdest Googled phrase that led to my blog was “Pentecostal queefs.” And now I want to know what the Pentecostal bible says about vagina sounds.

  164. I just want 13 people to show up, freaks are MORE THAN WELCOME!!! And you’ll notice Todays Theme is Toilet Paper, clearly freaks won’t be out of place.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading