I’m sure there are several logical explanations, but it’s still momentarily baffling.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

********************

And in less slightly-confusing news, it’s time for this week’s wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the fantabulous folks at VolunteerSpot, a free (free!) web tool that makes organizing parents and volunteers (and volunteering) faster and easier with online sign-up sheets and calendars. It’s perfect for if you want to help out at your kids’ school but you don’t love the reply-all email hell it always involves. And even if you don’t have something to volunteer for right now, if you take the pledge to volunteer, your school will automatically be entered to win $1500 bucks. Check them out here.

108 thoughts on “I’m sure there are several logical explanations, but it’s still momentarily baffling.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. My google search for why won’t is… “Why won’t Derrick Rose play?”

    I’d rather find out about the typing by osmosis!

  4. I am so glad that you’re showing off Kid Snippets! I’ve been watching them for a while now, and they’ve definitely been a huge laugh relief on though days. 🙂

    (I love that I can watch them all with my kid. I usually have to make her leave the room when I’m on youtube. ~ Jenny)

  8. Naturally, I immediately went to Google and typed in “why won’t”. My result was “Why won’t anyone dance with me”. It made me simultaneously happy and sad.

  9. Thanks for great Sunday morning entertainment to go w/ my coffee. The Rainbow mountains are amazing! Will use in my classroom. And the Kid Snippets…adorable!

  10. Clearly, that google search is entirely based on my mother’s searches. Next up…calling the phone company to tell them her phone isn’t working.

  11. Clearly, that google search is entirely based on my mother’s searches. Next up…calling the phone company to tell them her phone isn’t working.

  12. “How are you typing that?” is as good a question as “Why does anyone still care about the Kardashians?”
    Or for that matter “Why is Justin Bieber still allowed to run around freely?”
    Thanks for another winner, Jenny.

  13. What is “pink music”? (That was your answer to a question yesterday about what you listen to when you’re writing.)

  14. This is similar to an issue we had where my wife’s computer wouldn’t link up to the wi-fi. First we went through the troubleshooting tool on her computer and finally arrived at: “Use the online resources to further troubleshoot your problem” which was that we couldn’t get online. So, we used my computer to look up possible reasons and the advice we kept getting after entering “cannot connect to internet” was to “download the updated driver to your computer”. The assumption being that everyone has at least two computers to access the internet? Okay, maybe it’s not the same thing but the circular reasoning – I need to go online to download the thing to make it possible for me to go online – just felt the same as your circular issue – i have to type my question about being unable to type my question. And now my head hurts. But really this is all a distraction until they announce who the new FREAKING DOCTOR IS!! GAHHHHH!!!!!

  15. Just thought of another one: “Why doesn’t The Bloggess have her own show?”
    It could be called “1,001 Ways To Make Wil Wheaton Cry.”
    It would be tastefully produced, of course.

  16. And for some strange reason, the seals have creepy British accents. “Oh, Charlie, let’s have a big cuddle pile.” (My fiance is trying to convince me that it’s just in *my* head, but I’m sure someone else thinks that the seals talk like that…)

  17. When I was a teenager there was a product on the market where you could unfreeze your car door locks using only their device and the cigarette lighter in your car.

    I saw the problem with that straight away.

    it only KIND OF relatest to your keyboard not working thingy.

  19. Hi Jenny,
    Not sure if you’ll read this, but I’m just wondering if the person that posted question 43 was and is YOUR husband, Victor. (Hope I’m not sounding stupid, just genuinely curious)

  20. I went to google and typed in “do a barrel roll”. It did, and now I have motion sickness. Thanks, Google.

  24. I finished reading your book while I was in the ER waiting to be readmitted for complications from my gallbladder surgery. While I’m telling my mom about your hysterical book and how our gallbladders both decided to kill us this summer, she casually mentions that all of Dad’s side of the family is from Wall and you might know them….or, you might be them. So if you are related to a Wilde, hi family member and if not, we are definitely gallbladder warriors. May summer of 2014 be much better for both of us!

  25. You didn’t finish reading it – it says, “why won’t my keyboard work as a hammer?” Which is odd, because of course it will work as a hammer.

  28. So, now I need to add “Seals Laying On Top of Me” to my bucket list. And I don’t understand why the guy just can’t give him someone else’s money. Sounds legal to me.

  30. thought of you last night and your responses to “how do I write a book” or variations of the same…my mom, my aunt, their cousin and I had an AWESOME idea for a book we had ok 25% worked out the only problem was there was alcohol involved and no one was taking notes…but it was a really really great idea…if we could remeber 1/2 of it…or any of it….sigh

  32. My mom couldn’t access her email so I reset it for her, but then some page came up in Chinese (which I can’t read), and I emailed the text to her, asking what it read. Took me most of the day to remember she couldn’t get the email I sent because as I already knew, her email was broken.

  37. On screen keyboard. I have had to type that so, so many times without a keyboard. It’s crazy head-fucky. Kitties, you know? They find all the right (wrong) key combinations.

  38. The seal is cute, but I’m not sure I’d want to be mistaken as Mama Seal. That would be somewhat offensive as I’m already paranoid about my weight.

  45. I also got “why won’t anyone dance with me.”….
    Maybe me and Shitastrophy should dance with each other….

  46. I second the suggestion to go watch “Conversations with My Two-Year Old”. Very funny!

  47. My Google autocompletes “why won’t” with “anyone dance with me”. I didn’t click the search results because I’m happier assuming it is because my sick moves put all others to shame.

  49. My google search returned: “Why won’t anyone dance with me?” I am guessing it’s because they are intimidated by my stylin’ moves.

  50. I once did a catering gig at Google in Chicago. Their corporate office has a TV screen that displays what people are Googling RIGHT NOW. All the time. Sometimes I Google things like “porn and peanuts,” just to give them something to consider.

    Also, that fucking seal video is amazing. I want to be snuggled by seals!

  54. You probably already know about this… but if not, I know you’ll appreciate the fact that you can pre-order this lifesize inflatable Tardis! (I have no association with Stupid.com) Someone I love is SO getting one of these for Christmas.

  57. I like that you keep your wine next to your milk (twitter pic of Hunter S.). Me too.

  58. I got the dancing one too. Which breaks my heart some, the thought of so many nubile teenage things, using google to navigate the waters of their budding social awkwardness. I mean, what are they going to do when they’re stuck at third base? Maybe they’ll be making out through their Google Glass.

  61. When I went to Google, once I go the “why” typed, it gave me “why are zombies popular.” Hello, braiiinnnnnssssss. And Daryl Dixon.

  62. Huh. “Why won’t God heal amputees?” Hmmm.

    Off to watch Kid Snippets now!

  63. 🙂 your posts always put a smile on my face…been going through a particularly rough spot at the moment. Your AMA session helped me more than you know…some of the answers made me think and how. Thank you!

  68. now I am sad…

    “Why”
    “do I cry when i listen to music”

    “Why won’t”
    “anyone dance with me” – same reason Jenny approved three comments after mine but not mine??

    *sniff*

  69. I had to try it for myself. Google suggests “why won’t anyone dance with me” and “why won’t Pluto collide with Neptune.” Are these personalized to each person? What makes Google think these are the pressing questions on my mind?

    Also, I’m in love with Kid Snippets. And your blog. And you — it makes my fiancee jealous.

  70. Google thinks we’re all stupid… It’s like when you call your cable provider and they ask you to make sure your box is turned on. Fail for humanity.

  71. Well obviously I had to Google that. My top answer was: Why won’t God heal amputees.
    The mind, it boggles.

  72. @kw – Depression is a lying bastard and needs to be kicked square in the nutsack.

    Depression LIES. Depression is a lying liar. You are fabulous and more.

  73. My friend found souffle Juanita on Google Images, and had no idea what I meant when I mentioned you. Made me sad.

  75. I get “why won’t they talk to me lyrics,” apparently in reference to a song by a band called Tame Impala. I search for song lyrics a lot, so this makes sense that it’s reflected in my predictive searches.

    I was not familiar with the band, so that was some additional Googling. They are from Perth. My favorite parts of their wiki page: They like to think of themselves as “a steady flowing psychedelic groove rock band that emphasizes dream-like melody.” Also: “Their name refers to the impala, a medium sized antelope.”

  78. So here I am a day late! I got “why won’t my iPod turn on” which is quite spooky because I have an iPod which doesn’t turn on…..*Twilight Zone music*

    I know i’ve missed the question bit, but just out of interest why is my name black & not pink?

  80. That’s… incredible. Unless they mean ‘work’ as in ‘get a job’. In which case it’s not so much about the function of the keyboard as it is about its motivation.

  81. I had to try it, and I got why won’t my iphone charge. I don’t have an iphone. Apple gives me a headache. Somewhere in the migraine area. I don’t get migraines. Thank you, apple, for giving me a condition I don’t have. Apple sort of reminds me of those cars that talk to you. I ask, how do you turn on the headlights? and it tells me it doesn’t understand. Rephrasing and yelling at it doesn’t help, and then, after searching forever and pressing every button, I find and unmarked knob down by my knee that gives illumination. My daughter, convulsing with laughter, learned new curse words that day, including to the idiot who hit my car, requiring a possessed rental with seats made for tall people. Not everyone is the fucking Jolly Green Giant. Kiss my ass apple and the abnormally tall people who design car seats.

  82. “Why won’t anyone dance with me?” Really, Google? How much of a sadsack do you think I am?

    I don’t think I’ve ever been insulted by a search engine before.

  84. There is no logical explanation for that. But then again I have asked the internet the beginning of many questions that they seem to answer in a somewhat disturbing fashion.

  86. Why won’t anyone dance with me?

    ‘Cause the word DANCE makes me break into my music video version of Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”. Kind of a no brainer.

  87. I was curious if spelling matters… it does. If I leave out the apostrophe, the first suggestion is “why wont my iphone connect to wifi”. If I didn’t know my friend’s iPad has two ways to connect to the internet, I would have accused that of circular reasoning as well.
    Otherwise I get the sad dancing question….to which I suggest contra dancing and a good strong mouthwash.

  90. How does one become pink here I wonder? Is there some sort of initiation ritual?

  93. Loved the comments to the seal video — “i cant believe one of these killed Osama Bin? Laden”. (Although that makes for very odd mental pictures)

    Google is also wondering why won’t anyone dance with me. Because they forgot their boogie shoes!

  95. I would LOVE to know what you were actually searching for.

    I just started typing in “why does my…” (was going to search something about my dog) and the following came up as the most searched:
    – why does my vagina smell

    Apparently, there are a lot of stinky women out there in some serious need of Vagisil and a good doctor. Ew.

  97. There is so much funny and useful shit here. I’m unsure what to say about that. So, here’s a question: What if your hair is disappearing? Not falling out in clumps but progressively thinning (menopause most likely from what I’ve found in my exhaustive research). I’m looking at wigs online and they are so scary. Plus, they cost a ridiculous amount of money. I’m talking A LOT OF MONEY. Rogaine…I don’t know. How’s that gonna look when new little hairs start sprouting all over my head? Hairs that will never have a prayer of catching up to my existing hair (past the shoulders) unless I get a buzz cut, which I have considered, but I’m not sure I have the skull to pull it off. There would be a noticeable depression on one side of my head from a possible childhood head trauma that would detract from that edgy socialite goes blond butch look I’d be trying to achieve. Luckily, this depression is not visible as long as I maintain some hear on my head. . So, what’ll it be? A butch cut with a possibly groovy asymmetrical look or should I take out a home equity credit line and buy a couple wigs?

  98. Also, my “why can’t” search gave me “why can’t we be friends”. Seriously, I had no idea my computer was so needy. This deserves further contemplation.

  99. So, its is one day past my birthday. Jenny, you missed it, and I do my best to spread Bloggess Gospel to all unknowing and unworthy strangers. Yes, they seem confused, but at least they are polite. Despite you missing my birthday, I am prepared to forgive you if you make a Beyonce/Juanita pillowcase. I will even buy two of them. See, I am paying YOU for missing MY birthday. Frankly, that type of generosity deserves to be rewarded.

    PS…if that little gem of a pillowcase already exists and I missed it because I am a dullard, my bad.

  100. Is it weird that the rainbow mountains make me hungry? It’s like looking at a giant candy cane mountain.

  102. Google thinks I have sexual problems everytime I type “how do I” google finishes off with “make love”

  103. These ones I think are even more hilarious than the kid snippets

    Especially episode 2.

  106. Somewhat disturbing Google search, I just put in why won’t Google did the rest:

    why won’t anyone dance with me

    why won’t they talk to me

    why won’t my baby sleep I’m Feeling Lucky »

    why won’t my ipad charge

  107. I am BEGGING you to have an awesome contest that gives away Knock Knock MOFO/Juanita pillows as prizes. They are brilliant, but I’d be dead meat if my hubby saw a $60 charge for a pillow on our debit card. And he checks shit like that cuz he’s a good guy who manages all the crappy bill paying at our house. But the contest would need to guarantee that I’d win a pillow, otherwise it would be a completey useless and stupid contest.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading