Okay. This isn’t a funny post so feel free to skip it. I just need to know something and I need you to tell me the truth rather than just make me feel better, so please be honest.
I realize that I’ve accomplished a lot in life and deep-down I know that, but it doesn’t change the fact that I only have a few days a month where I actually felt like I was good at life. I know I’m a good person (as in “not evil or intentionally arsonistic”), but I’m not very good at being a person. I don’t know if that makes sense and it’s not me fishing for compliments. Please don’t tell me the things I’m good at because that’s not what this is about. It’s just that at the end of each day I usually lie in bed and think, “Shit. I’m fucking shit up. I accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing.” I feel like I’m treading water and that I’m always another half-day behind in life. Even the great things are overshadowed by shame and anxiety, and yes, I realize a lot of this might have to do with the fact that I have mental illness, but I still feel like a failure more often than I feel like I’m doing well.
My pride that Hailey is the best speller in her class is overshadowed by the embarrassment that I don’t have the energy to be a PTA mom. I’m happy my first book was so successful, but I suffer with writer’s block so much that I’m always sure I’ll never write again and that I’ll never finish my second book. I feel like from the outside looking in I seem successful and happy, but I can’t help but think that if people looked closer they’d see the cracks and the dirt and shame of a million projects that never get done.
Part of this is me. I have depression and anxiety and a number of personality disorders that make it hard for me to see myself correctly. Part of it is that I judge myself by the shiny, pretty people I see at Parent-Teacher meetings, or on Facebook, or on Pintrest who seem to totally have their shit together and never have unwashed hair. They never wait until Thursday night to help their kid with the entire week’s homework. They don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last. They have pretty, pastel lives, and they are happy, and they own picnic baskets and napkins and know how to recycle, and they never run out of toilet paper or get their electricity turned off. And it’s not even that I want to be one of those people. I fucking hate picnics. If God wanted us to eat on the ground he wouldn’t have invented couches. I just don’t want to feel like a failure because my biggest accomplishment that day was going to the bank.
I just need an honest assessment to see if this is just me (and if I need to just find a way to change, or to increase my meds) or if this is just normal and people just don’t talk about it.
Please tell me the truth (anonymous answers are fine). How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person? What makes you feel the worst? What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?
Please be honest. Because I’m about to be.
I feel successful 3-4 days a month. The other days I feel like I’m barely accomplishing the minimum, or that I’m a loser. I have imposter syndrome so even when I get compliments they are difficult to take and I just feel like I’m a bigger fraud than before. I feel the worst when I get so paralyzed by fear that I end up cowering in bed and fall further and further behind. To make myself feel more successful I spend real time with my daughter every day, even if it’s just huddling under a blanket and watching Little House on the Prairie reruns on TV. I also try to remind myself that most of idols struggled as well, and that this struggle might make me stronger, if it doesn’t destroy me.
I’m hoping that by writing and posting this it will make me face this head-on and make some changes, either by forcing myself to change the way I see success, or by forcing myself to get shit done and stop feeling such dread and anxiety every day. I’m hoping that I’ll get hints from you guys about what you do to feel like a good, successful person, or what you avoid that I can try to avoid it as well. I’m hoping to stop the voices in my head. At least the ones who don’t like me very much.
Your turn.
PS. For those of you who are new here, I’m already doing cognitive therapy and I’m already on a lot of drugs for anxiety, depression and ADD, but I’m really fine. Honestly. I just want to be better. I’m just struggling with being human and I could use some pointers. My guess is that a lot of us could.
PPS. When things get bad this song helps me. It might help you too. Put on your headphones.
PPPS. The Oxford Dictionary says the word “arsonistic” doesn’t exist, but it totally does. It’s the same thing as being artistic, but instead of being sensitive to or good at art, you’re just really good at arson. Then again, this is is the same dictionary that just added “twerk.” I question everything now.
PPPPS. Sorry. This post is all over the place. My ADD drugs haven’t kicked in yet. I’m failing at writing a post about how I’m failing. I think I’ve just set a record. A bad one.
Truly, you are not alone. I feel like this all the time. (I have depression and anxiety also.)
Maybe we’re both fucked…but I know exactly what you are saying. I feel like an imposter. I feel like any minute everyone will find out what a fraud I am.
I’ve recently discovered there is a name for what I am, which is the adult child of a narcissist..I wish I would have learned this years ago. I’m still figuring out what that means.
I love you read you. You’re hilarious. I see the pain though, because it’s familiar to me.
I feel the same way. So many days, I just choose to be proud of the fact that I didn’t burn shit down or, like, cut off a toe that day. A lot of it for me is that I’m a freelancer, and I don’t have tasks I need to complete each day. I wonder if that might be part of it for you too; without a set schedule, it’s easy to get to the drinking hours (uh, “night”) without feeling like you’ve accomplished much.
It’s not just you. My times feeling good about myself vary.
Wow, I could have written this. You are not alone at all.
HAHHA..I love TO read you. I’m not even drunk.
Yup. 3 or 4 days a month, TOPS. No joke.
xo,
K.
If I have 3-5. days a month where I believe the good things people say about me, then it’s a good month.
No, It’s not just you. I often have this problem. I’m a graduate student with a full time job but often I feel awful. I try not to let depression get the best of me but the only reason I’m still going is often because I have to not because I want to. I often look at the lives my friends are having and wonder why I can’t feel normal or happy or go out like they do. I actually kind of hate myself for it sometimes. but you’re not alone.
I’m totes bad at accepting compliments too. I feel the same way you do about my work as an artist (arsonist?). I’m like, “People pay MONEY for something I made in my LAUNDRY ROOM? Why don’t they just make it in THEIR laundry room??” But they don’t WANT to make it in their laundry room. They want ME too. So I keep making stuff and let people smile about it AND I LET THEM GIVE ME THEIR MONEY. But it’s still weird that something I just ran off my printer and put in a cellophane bag and now LOOKS like a fancy greeting card is making people squeal and pull out their wallet. I feel like any minute I’ll be “found out”.
Other stuff in life: I have good days and bad days like anyone but mostly good days. I think you should definitely try to work through the “I’m worthless and an imposter” stuff because no one should walk through life with those thoughts, no matter how common they are. But if you feel like a big fat faker because you wrote a funny book and people think you are amazeballs? That’s normal enough and, well, don’t add to your therapy bill but do try to accept compliments! Because you are amazeballs. Hope that helps.
Long time lurker, first time commenter here!
I think you are spot on and pretty much sum up how I feel most of the time. I try to channel those feelings into something motivational — a swift kick to my motivational rear, if you will. Whether it’s about my training or my career, I always feel that I could be doing better, and if I had to quantify it, I only feel that I kick ass about a handful of days a month too.
You’re not alone! And you shouldn’t feel internally or externally pressured to be ON 100%. You’re human, not a machine.
-Amara
I feel I am productive about 2 weeks out of the month. The week that I PMS is considered hell week. I yell at my kids, freak out because I can’t get anything accomplished and just down right hate life. I often wonder how in the hell can other people be so ‘together’ and I feel like I am swimming in thick mud. Glad to hear that our insanity is normal ; )
Really, I don’t feel productive by “days” — more like hours. I can get a good productive hour or two in at least every other day, but beyond those, I don’t feel like I’m ever really kicking ass nearly as much as everybody else seems to be doing. Maybe I just need to fake it more?
It’s so not just you, sugar.
I read this this morning, it may help: http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
We heart the ever lovin’ fuck out out of you. Now go kick some ass 3-4 days out of the month. As for the rest — we do the best we can.
It’s so normal. Honestly. I feel like this a lot and just in the last couple of months I’ve seen discussion about this venturing out of the shadows. People are finally standing up and saying, “Hey, I feel like I’m Failing at Life most of the time.” You’re not alone. I wish I had a way to help but I don’t… still trying to figure my shit out. *hugs*
I manage 5-6 days, usually. Maybe 10 in a great month.
I feel like this ALL the time. You know what you are good at? Helping bring attention to the fact that depression is a REAL disease. Thank you for sharing your honest experiences – it keeps the rest of us from feeling alone.
Can we email you? Is your email on your site and I am missing it? I’m sorry, I fail at blog comments..
(jenny@thebloggess.com, but I’m already thousands – no joke – of emails behind. I don’t think I’ll ever get to all of them. ~ Jenny)
Jenny. It’s not just you. Everyone thinks this way but most people are afraid to say it. You should read the blog post I wrote today. We are universally connected, you and I, and everyone else.
Please watch this:
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
It’s about shame and vunerability and people who have their shit together and those who dont.
It’s ok to be exactly who you are. You’re only fucking shit up if you compare your shit to others shit.
And that’s a lot of shit.
Be well. Be you. Know that we are pulling for you, existing with you, holding your hand and I know you’re doing the same for us.
Katie
(I’m super lucky that Brene is my friend in real life and she’s given me a lot of personal advice. She’s crazy helpful, but also incredibly together. Even when she’s not great she’s still productive and focused and getting shit done. I want to be like that. ~ Jenny)
Look, you can’t compare yourself to people who don’t suffer from depression and other mental health issues. You are fighting a sort of ongoing, permanent battle. So many of your resources are going to keeping yourself together and functional, and you are doing a fucking bang up job of it.
My mother has dissociative identity and anxiety disorders. She was addicted to meth, paranoid, and just plain nuts. She was barely there for most of my childhood, but I knew two things: 1. She loved me and 2. She wanted desperately to be there for me. She simply couldn’t. I didn’t need her to be on the PTA and to bake cookies for every kid I went to school with. I needed her to care about me. And she did.
Don’t judge your parenting, your involvement, against that of other, unnecessarily put together parents. Judge it based on the health and happiness of your kid. And your pets. And Beyonce.
I often feel exactly the same way. Very successful in my work life, but often wondering if everyone will figure out I’m just making it up as I go. Or feeling inadequate at home because my relationship with my wife and kids seems more casual than others, or I don’t do the handyman things around the house that other guys do, or I don’t have a constantly busy life outside of my work and everyone seems to brag about how they don’t have time to watch TV or play a game on the computer.
I also suffer from depression, but after talking with others and getting honest info, this is VERY widespread. It seems we’re all suffering from envy that everyone else’s lives are perfect and wonderful, when the reality is they’re thinking the same thing about us! At our core we’re all a little insecure, some of us feel it more than others but most of us put a confident and happy face on and go about our lives. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.
Know that you’re not alone in this, and thank you as always for being brave enough to put it out to millions of people.
I know how you feel. I’m 27 years old… no degree… no job… I can’t get hired for anything because I have no experience… and I just sit at home and feel worthless.
You’re wonderful. I’ve read your stuff for a long time now. Your work makes me happy, and I had to stop reading your book so many times from crying with laughter.
I suffer from depression and anxiety as well, so I know a lot of times when someone tells you that you’re special, you just ignore them… Or you simply don’t believe it.. But… You are very successful. You’re a great person, and I’d give anything to have an ounce of your talent.
Honestly? The hardest part about growing up has been realizing EVERYONE is just faking it. As a kid, i thought once I hit a certain magical age (say, 25-30), everything would make sense and life would be swell and I’d be such a success. Then I hit those ages, and realized every.single.person. I knew as a “grown up” was just winging it as they went, exactly like I have been.
Growing up is a lie. A big, fat, ridiculous lie. No one knows what they’re doing, no one feels successful and no one has any clue how to change it.
That face is simultaneously TERRIFYING and comforting to me.
You are struggling, and that’s OK. What’s that expression about we judge our behind the scenes by other people’s highlight reel? That’s all you’re doing. It doesn’t make you a good or bad person, but it does make life a lot harder than it has to be.
We all have our own journey, so your won’t be just like mine. But I have felt like an imposter, like I was screwing up at life, like I was barely keeping up while everyone else was thriving. Then I got the black dog of depression to BACK THE F*CK OFF. (I wish I could tell you how to do this, but I can’t. Sorry about that.) Since being healthier, I feel more like I am doing a good job.
Another example of how depression lies.
For what it’s worth: your words have helped me, and my 15 year-old daughter (recently diagnosed with depression). Thank you. And, good job. 🙂
i’m definitely fucked – maybe 1-2 days a month do i feel that way, if at all :
you’re awesome. it makes me sad you don’t feel kick-ass as often as you should, but i get it. you personally helped me when i was really down once, and i thank you for that.
Does come when you compare yourself to others ? cause that happens to me too !! I Mean almost all the time ><" but surrounding with people who are completely honest to you will help you to be pulled out of this phase which i believe its good at some extent maybe we should re-plan our goals or try to find out where do we have to put our efforts in ,, doesn't make sense , ok I'll shut up ! but one more thing you are not alone in this <3
This is me, every day. I fail at everything. I cry every day. Technically there is nothing wrong with me or my life. But, I feel like I’m never good enough, I compare everything I do to others who are way more talented than me, and I’m scared to make any changes with my life. Hell, I just did back to back 10k and Half Marathon. I felt good after that, but the next day I went back to my spiral. I’m with you, I have maybe 1-2 days a month.
This year I started writing in a Gratitude Journal every day. At the end of the day I writ down at least 5 things I’m grateful for. To be honest it hasn’t helped my attitude much, but I feel like if I can pull 5 good things out of each day, I’ll be okay.
FWIW, even your non-funny posts make me laugh.
I feel the same way. I have been unemployed for almost two years now, and it seems like the job market is a constant uphill battle. I am on medication for depression, and I also suffer from anxiety and low self-esteem. There are days when I feel accomplished that I got out of bed and put on real clothes before my boyfriend came home from work at 5 pm.
Imposer Syndrome every day. I’m a grad student surrounded by very smart people and I almost always feel like one day they are going to realize how stupid I am and then the gig will be up. But after talking to a few friends, we almost all feel that way (at least the people who aren’t narcissistic assholes do).
Chin up love!
You’ve put into words, quite brilliantly, what most of us feel like. I think you’re okay. More than okay. Sometimes when I’m feeling like you’ve described, I look to YOU to make me smile. See? You rock.
Give or take a few differences, I feel like you were describing me. It is definitely not just you.
Oh my god. This is me. Even when I KNOW that I kicked butt at something, I look at all the shit that I haven’t done and it brings me to tears. I can come home from a day of crossing major important stuff off my to-do list at work, and one look at the pile of mail on the table, the dirty dishes in the sink, and the messy face on my kid and I feel like an abject failure.
You are not alone.
It is NOT just you. Every day I think,”I am going to knock out this task list.” And every day, I fail. I feel like a failure. I feel like it SHOULD happen. I am so tired all the time. I barely sleep at night, so every evening I waste precious hours napping. Which of course leads to another sleepless night.
I am great at looking like I have it together even when I don’t. And luckily have learned the art of being honest before its too damn late.
One day at a time. And each day has to be taken one hour at a time. Otherwise, my head fills up with what else needs to be done instead of focusing on what I am doing now.
It’s not just you. I would guess most people think I am that shiny, pastel person, but I’m not. I feel good MAYBE 3-4 days a month. I get through the basics, but spend way too much time curled up in a fetal position on my bed saying, “My kid needs me. I can’t not show up for life. My kid needs me.”
I love you. I’m just trying to learn to love myself too.
I feel like I did okay about 12 days a month.
The other days, I’ve ruined everything for everyone.
Hormones + exercise + sleep + giving myself a break + avoiding comparison
all conspire in their own special ways to give me 15 or 20 okay days some months.
I love you.
I have this issue all the time. As a PhD student, I’m constantly seeing updates of people getting publications, passing exams, and being extremely productive. And I sit here feeling like a failure for not getting work done. I think it’s a problem of social media feeds emphasizing positive moments over the constant struggle that most of us face. If everyday I saw people reporting getting much less than I perceive done, it might make me feel like less of a slacker. And the times I do feel productive, it’s because I’ve let other areas of my life slide–the house is a mess, I’m ignoring my fiance, or the litter boxes are disgustingly overflowing. I go to bed feeling extremely positive about my productivity maybe 5 times a month, and the rest of my days are spent agonizing over what I haven’t done rather than what I did accomplish.
I have a lot of those days too. Where at the end of the day you wonder why you even bother because its not like you are actually accomplishing anything. But I have finally gotten to a place where if I can get through the day and be able to say “hey you got through today. And you kicked ass at just surviving another day” then I have accomplished a great deal. And hopefully tomorrow night I can say the same thing.
Absolutely how I feel.
Life is hard, life is complicated, and with it comes pressure from myself, family, friends, and acquaintances to be ‘on’ all the time.
And the reality is that MOST houses aren’t pastel and clean, MOST houses have sticky couches, MOST houses have a bug or 3 in them somewhere, ants eating a jellybean behind a couch, a family of spiders hoping to escape a shoe, etc.
But the constant stream of beautiful homes, clean rooms, neat crafts, and tips on organizing and getting it together make it almost impossible to not hate on yourself when you walk to bed and you have to step on dirty clothes because laundry hates you.
The mental stuff probably makes it worse for you, but you aren’t alone!
Trust me, being on the PTA is WAY more trouble than it’s worth. And it’s a bit of a clique too. You’re better off out of there.
And don’t even THINK about going down the school Governer route (or is that just a UK thing?). That’s even worse!!
And who says it’s you that’s in the wrong. All these people with shiny hair and ironed clothes must have a complex because they feel the need to be perfectly groomed. At least some of us can go out without having to spend an hour getting ready…
I’ve had bad times. I’m ok at the moment. I hide my depressive states though because my husband is bi-polar. It’s not easy but I know I can manage it. There are shitty days though. Nothing like you or him have to deal with though.
Half the battle is won just by admitting how you feel and asking for opinions – that sounds so crap but it’s true.
Fuck them all! Do your own thing.
I force myself to get out of bed every morning. I force myself to go outside. I force myself to go to work. I force myself to not be uncomfortable around other people. I force myself to turn off the fantasy world of the internet where I’m somewhat popular. I force myself to finish a project even when that annoying little voice in the back of my head says I’m wasting my time and everyone is going to point and laugh at me for having done it.
IOW you sound normal to me.
well fuck – I never feel like I’m successful or kicking ass. I have a few moments a month, but never actual days. As for the taking of compliments, I’ve got the same thing. I had no idea is was a syndrome or diagnosable thing. And screw you spell check, diagnosable is too a word.
I often feel like I suck at everything. I am not sure what the average amount of successful days per month is, but I feel like a failure often. A failure at parenting, a failure at my job, a failure at writing, a failure at maintaining even a semi-tidy house… I leave dishes in the sink. I forget to rinse them out. I hate myself for it. I get mad and impatient with my daughter and snap at her. I hate myself for it. Why can’t everything come easily to me?
I assure you that all those sparkly pastel people probably feel the way we do, too. I’ve come to find that a lot of people put on a good show of being happy and having their shit together, but they’re lying to themselves and everyone around them. I wish everyone would just admit their shit, because it sure would make the rest of us feel less lonely.
Be kind to yourself, and big huge hugs to you.
You are 100% normal here, believe me. I don’t know everyone else deals with it; I make lists. Crossing things off a list makes me feel like I have some degree of control over my life. Less healthfully (but if one can’t be honest here, where can one?), I stress-eat.
You are not alone. I might feel like I had a productive and positive day 5 days out of each month. With a full-time job, two kids, a husband, a hermit crab and a cat, there is a huge chance that I will fail in handling one or more of my responsibilities. Further, I feel like time is flying by and I’m not enjoying life as much as I should AND I feel like its only me that feels this way.
When I try to go to sleep at night, the things that make me feel the worst are when I am not the best mom and/or wife that I could be. When I lose my temper or blow one of the kids off in conversation, I stress over mishandling things and how much better I should be at this. My only attempt at trying to be better is to get up every day and try again for one of those elusive and rare days when I “kicked ass”.
You are not alone. The shiny happy people are just not talking about this.
Yep. Sums me up as well. This is exaclty what keeps me from writing and putting my work out there. Even in my 9-5 job, I feel like someone’s going to figure me out any minute and lay my imposter ass off. As soon as you figure out how to fix this, let me know. I’m hopeful other’s who comment will be more help than me.
This right here is why you are successful and why you should feel good – “I spend real time with my daughter every day, even if it’s just huddling under a blanket and watching Little House on the Prairie reruns on TV.”
That right there is so much more than so many parents do.
Definitely NOT just you. I honestly think this is a common thing with women in general. Who knows, maybe men too, but I think more so women.
i would say you’re doing better than me. i have one, maybe two, days a month when i feel like i did something right. And that’s a good month.
you’re not alone. And i fail at even being able to give you tips and tricks because i have none.
Ok first of all – it’s not just you.
I feel this way all the time – I think most people (especially women) do. I think we have these visions of what we should be and do based on God knows what – and frankly, it’s exhausting. All of it – is exhausting.
I’m frustrated every day that I haven’t accomplished anything. I’m jealous of your 3-4 days a month where you feel like an awesome do-er of things! I have a dream of being a published author, but every day it feels like I am not getting anywhere and not doing enough and I will never make it. It makes me constantly on edge. And parenting? Forget it. I always feel like a failure.
Do you remember all those kids in high school that had it together? Well they didn’t – this is the same thing…if getting 02 in and out of your body is the only thing you did worth while that day …well GOOD for you…it’s something.
on another note, you make thousands laugh, even when you feel like crying..I don’t think you realize what awesome sauce that is
As for me tops 2 or 3 days a month I can say WOW I did something …BUT I know its more…the 2 or 3 days is what my brain tells me
Your paradigm’s broken. Mine too.
I don’t know how to repair it, but I feel you.
So here’s the thing. I think we all feel like impostors and losers. I think you feel like one more often or more intensely because of your mental illness.
My house is a fucking train wreck. I do not have mental illness. I know when some people come over they will judge me harshly because of it. I also know that it is not my problem. I do wish I had the drive to get my house in order, I know I would feel less anxious about people coming over. But, it is clearly not enough of a motivator to get much more than the necessities taken care of so fuck the people that judge me because of my messy house.
So much strength and love to you, you really really are so talented and gifted and amazing. I hope your journey gets easier for you, it is not fair at all that you have to struggle so much with your mental health. I wish there was something I could say to help.
I don’t suffer from depression, but I can see a similar (if blunted) cycle myself. I’m super-awesome a couple days a month, and just-OK the rest of the time.
I feel successful, maybe one day a week. 3-4x per month. I struggle to get everything done, and sometimes I can’t even get off the couch to do it.
It’s not just you. Your description rings very true for me. I should probably consider myself a success–great kids, kids who have survived major health scares, a new career at 40+, whatever, whatever, blah, blah, blah. Yep, feel like an imposter most days. Dwell on all the things I didn’t do/did wrong instead of the good I’ve done in any given day. Although I also suffer from depression, so perhaps I’m a lousy comparison. Also, a lot of people who look shiny and happy are just good at putting up a front. I *know* this. Data point of one.
Same. Same , all of it. It’s almost 3pm, so I really should eat something today, but I thought I’d write in support before I did that. HUGS for you and for me because living ain’t easy. Okay, off to find anything at all in my kitchen…
It’s not just you. Everyone is fucked up in their own way, trust me. Those pretty pastel people might just be barely holding their shit together!
I feel accomplished/successful maybe 8 or so days a month. Usually just the weekends, when I force myself to tackle the never-ending list of shit to do. That list will never go away, ugh. No matter how much I cross off, more keeps being added.
But you know what? That’s life. Even if you’ve only accomplished the “basics of existing,” you are still living, and that’s better than not being alive.
Anyway, I can’t verbalize my shit very well so I will shut up now. Good luck with everything, and keep on keepin’ on 🙂
I think too many people try to live a pastel life and not enough recognize that making it through the day is enough. I constantly feel like a failure and I think I have concrete proof of it. Too many of us go days with unwashed hair, but we don’t talk about those days, we don’t share those days, because we think the perfect life is what is expected of us.
You are not alone.
I feel like I fuck something up EVERY SINGLE day. We all have mistakes we make, no one is perfect, you need Jesus, honey! 🙂
You are definitely not the only one. I’m 30 and working in part time in a job that is not in my field. My perfect cousin and her perfect husband just brought their perfect first baby home to their perfect house. I’ve been with my boyfriend for six years, but we’re not getting married or having kids. (He’s divorced and already has a teenager of his own) I’ve been at my job for almost six years, but I’m not going anywhere. Not up, not horizontal. Just stationary. ( I even had to Google to make sure I wasn’t spelling the word for fancy paper) My boyfriend is patient with my insecurities and self harm and anxieties- he is the kindest and best of men. But that doesn’t stop the terror that he’s going to leave me for someone better and easier to care for. I read a lot and knit a lot and basically just live inside my own head because it’s just easier up there.
Yes. Yes, yes, YES! I feel like this ALL THE TIME TOO. You are not alone. xoxoxo
Sometimes simply existing is enough of an accomplishment. No need to add anything else.
No, not just you. And I hate feeling (or not feeling) like this most of the time. I know I do way better with (the right kind of) structure – working from home imposes its own stresses. Tomorrow might not be better but at least it will be different. Blah blah blah.
It’s not just you….I honestly haven’t felt successful in years. I’m not using my fancy degrees in favor of raising my niece alone and I’ve been taking care of my mom, who died on August 26th. I’m barely making ends meet and I’m scared all the time. I, too, judge myself by the shiny, polished people I see at my niece’s school functions and also by all of the cool vacations everyone takes that I can’t take, etc. One thing I do think is that people only show the best stuff on Facebook in a desperate attempt to keep up with the Jones’s, so to speak. Look at how great things are! I’ve figured this out! See, I took my kids to Disney World for a week and it was all sunshine and rainbows! Meanwhile, those few happy snapshots are not an accurate representation of the entire time they are meant to represent…..I think everybody needs to stop the bullshit of trying to one-up each other with false perfection.
I always assumed everyone was leading lives of quiet desperation behind closed doors. Especially PTA moms.
Even if it’s not true, I believe it like gospel. It’s how I sleep at night. The problem is, if you try and speak the truth, everyone trips over themselves trying to cheer you up or solve your “problem.” So you keep quiet about it and nervously hope everyone else is fucking shit up too.
I feel like this all the time. I also have terrible Imposter Syndrome, like any day they’re all going to realize just how lousy I am. Enraged at having been fooled so completely for 20 years into thinking I’m great at what I do, the entire world will turn on me and I’ll be left shunned and alone. Forever.
The comparisons are the worst. Everyone else seems to be so much happier, more successful, more capable than me. It’s only recently that I’ve tried to remember that I’m comparing myself against the outliers or (even worse) against fictionalized buffed-and-shined versions of regular people.
I understand how you feel. I hope you find a way forward to coping. This view of ourselves isn’t right, no matter how hard it is to shake out of.
I think that most people feel that way. I keep reminding myself that Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest (insert social network here) only shows us the highlight reel of our friends’ lives. AND to top it off, those “friends” tend to focus on the positive when posting so we feel inferior b/c our life isn’t sunshine and roses. However, people lie and exaggerate too…… 🙂
I love your blog b/c of your honesty in your posts!
My sister-in-law tagged me on FB with this article yesterday http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html?m=1. I think it speaks to what you are saying.
As moms loving moms we are so hard on ourselves. It’s easier for us to see our “failures” than our successes because we believe them more. I frequently think I’m letting my life slip by without living to my fullest, or accomplishing all I could be. My fear is on my death bed I’ll look back and see a life wasted. Yet I haven’t had the motivation to make the changes I need to yet.
This self-doubt can also be harder when you deal with emotional issues. You are not alone.
You may consider looking into the Landmark Forum. It can really help with these types of issues. It’s amazingly powerful. I’ve been shocked at the transformations I’ve seen in people when I took it.
I’m going to be Pot today and you can be Kettle. (Because I miss pot but I know if someone hands me a cup to pee in before they decide I’m awesome for that job I haven’t applied for, missing pot is what’s going to get me that mythical job.)
Cliche that I think is appropriate: You are a human BEING. You are not a human DOING.
Real Talk: I go home from my stupid, meaningless job on Friday and get into bed and generally don’t get out of bed again until Monday morning. And then I spend a week beating myself up for getting nothing done. But come Friday, all I want to do is get back in those sheets and never come out.
I feel successful approximately never.
I think people without those dx feel this way a lot of the time. Anyone who presents their life as perfect is a liar or uninteresting. You’re living YOUR life. You have a family that loves you, healthy friendships and you are a productive member of society. What more can anyone ask of you??
You’re not the only one. I struggle with “did I do anything worthwhile?” conundrum. That and the “I didn’t accomplish X so if the house burns down tonight I’m screwed” issue. Of course I think the house will burn down every night. Another post entirely. Anyways, I read a story (probably off Pinterest) where a woman suggested each day putting a drop in your imaginary bucket for every good thing you’ve done. For me that includes showering, maybe cooking dinner, and 10 minutes of actually playing with my daughter instead of worrying about everything that could go wrong. Okay, truth be told I’m lucky if I hit all 3 of those a day. But surprisingly it’s helped. If I can say “at least I did x,y, and z” then I feel better about myself.
We have about $2,000 worth of wood, taking up an entire stall in our garage, because we can’t seem to find the time to buy the requisite new lighting fixtures that have to be purchased to finish the project for which the wood is required.
By the way…the aforementioned wood? It’s been in the garage for EIGHT AND A HALF YEARS.
Also, I let my dog eat all the cat vomit she can find because I totally don’t have the time to clean things up.
So, yeah, I get it.
It’s not just you. I’m a “writer” who rarely actually sits down to write. I count any day in which I actually get a shower as a productive one. My daughter once offered a handyman some of the baby’s cheerios which had been sitting in a pile on the floor because “mom says they’re still mostly clean because they’re dry food.” But since I’m not dealing with depression, these things don’t crush me the way they can affect someone who is also struggling with finding the right chemical balance in their brain.
Depression lies.
4-5 days a month sounds about right. If I’m doing really great, maybe 2 days a week. My mom was a PTA mom. Know how she did it? Lots of cocaine and meth. I don’t recommend it, she died at 40 of an OD.
I really have nothing to add but to tell you that you are not alone.
And here I thought you were so competent! Because that’s what you exude. Imposter syndrome? Who knew there was a term for what I feel on a daily basis. Dear heart, you have published a book, I’ve been dinking around with mine since 2009. But I feel better on this cruise ship of life now that I know I’m not alone.
I’m not depressed, don’t have kids and feel that way most of the time. Let’s say 4 days.
Holy shit. Everything you just wrote, save anything about being a mom (being that I’m not one) is exactly how I feel every single day, right down to failing at being a person (I usually say I fail at life). I also have depression, but I think this is something everyone feels to some extent, but it’s magnified when you’re fully aware of your moods like those of us with mental illnesses so often are. Big love and know that you are not alone.
Change your meds… Sometimes I don’t enough of one hormone and too much of another. I only feel good about myself two to three days a week. More than your doing, but still not enough in my mind. I have breakfast with the girls once a week and the helps a TON! Third party people asking for your advice and wanting your opinion is awesome at lifting moods. Chocolate is puppies help too…
I think if you never felt that way, and were a hard charging CEO of Yahoo, I would NEVER read your posts. We love you and even when you are paralyzed by self loathing? You make us laugh. Because WE KNOW….
Dude. I get it. My daughter kicks ass. Like, at everything. She’s 16. And I live in an area where a lot of the moms stay at home and volunteer at the school in one form or another. I’m tired when I get home. I do the minimum required. I feel like everyone is talking about me. I don’t go to their ‘socials’ because I feel like I don’t fit in… but I think that’s all in my head, too, but maybe not?
You’re not alone. I feel you. I’m sorry you feel like this, but to be honest, it’s sort of comforting to know that I’m not alone, either. So thanks.
I was excited that a famous person just followed me on Twitter. Now I’m back to feeling shitty. I don’t have days I feel good. Just minutes. And then I want to punch the girl with a french manicure that doesn’t look like she’s vitamin deficient .
Oh this is totally normal, even among people who don’t particularly suffer from depression or anxiety, but especially among people who write. Life is hard. Beautiful, but hard. Writing is harder. I have that Gloria Steinem quote over my desk: “I do not like to write. I like to have written.” Almost everyone I know occasionally voices fears that sound very much like imposter syndrome. I think that’s totally normal, and perhaps even more normal among women? Who knows.
Life is such a process. When we arrive, we probably die. Until then, we’re works in progress. This is what I tell myself. Cheery, no? 🙂
Jenny, I could have written this post.
I feel successful at life about 3-4 days a month too. I have depression & anxiety and ADHD. I feel like a failure most of the time. I have no idea how those people look all cool and put together either. I have friends with 4 kids and they seem to handle everything just fine, I can barely juggle my one child without losing it.
Being adult and mature and *caring* is hard. I think if we didn’t care so much it wouldn’t be so hard.
One of the best things I ever decided was to stop trying to make my mother happy. I accepted that I was OK (finding my husband around that time was helpful) and if she couldn’t deal with my quirks, well, that was her loss. Society I have never given a fuck about. I *still* feel like a failure and a fuck-up. *shrug* WE exist, we are out here, and yeah, I bet there are more of us that we think.
I love you Jenny. Be well.
Holy cow. You have summed up my thoughts today perfectly. I am going through those same.exact.thoughts. If people only knew the 1000 thoughts in my head during a conversation with me, maybe they would understand what anxiety is like. Or how my mind is a broken record after the conversation because I think I have offended said person, and it replays in my head.
Thank goodness for therapy and meds!
Hugs and good thoughts heading your way from me!
You are definitely not alone. I have major depressive disorder, anxiety, PTSD and ADHD. Most days I suck at life. I’m glad that I hold it together enough to keep the kids happy, healthy and all that — but for my own life successes — those 40 different first chapters to 40 different novels and the totes filled with papers that never get filed and the clean laundry that gets folded but never really put away … I suck at daily living that everyone else seems to take for granted. I have always been grateful to you… for your blog, your book and just putting yourself out there so that I get to know that I’m not alone. You need to know that you aren’t either. {{{hugging you in my heart}}}
No, you’re not the only one.
I think it might have something to do with our modern life. We don’t really HAVE to do anything. Our grandmothers didn’t have that luxury. If they didn’t plant a garden, we’d starve…if they didn’t can the stuff from the garden, we’d die over the winter. There were severe consequences for not getting shit done….and they were too damn tired to think about being successful. Success = Living. Failure = dying. Welcome to the modern world.
I pretty much could have written this exactly, except that: a) my books haven’t ended up on the bestseller list, but having two books out still kind of feels kick-ass most days; b) I have four kids to make me like a failure when I can’t keep up with homework, and forms. Good God, the forms… *shudders*; and c) Well, there was something about taxidermy in there, right? There’s always something about taxidermy, and I’m kind of afraid of taxidermy. Wait, there’s nothing about taxidermy? Damn, my ADD must have been kicking my ass, too…
Anyway, point being you’re not alone. I’m sure there must be moms/women/people out there who feel like they kick ass on a daily basis, but it sure ain’t me. Today, though, I’m kicking ass, so I’m going to enjoy that while it lasts (I give it an hour…)
I know exactly how you feel. Except, I get so caught up in the stuff I haven’t done, that I forget to spend time with my son. And that breaks my heart.
No, it isn’t just you. I have maybe one day a week when I feel like I’ve done everything I should have and met everyone’s expectations. On other days, when I know I’ve dropped the ball somewhere, any compliment at all will make me feel guilty. I typically describe this sensation as “I’m bad at being a grown-up.” On my worst days I think that I’m worse than everyone else, but in reality I know I’ve probably really only known one person who completely had her crap in one sack all the time–and even she would say that she didn’t. The best “therapy” I’ve found is to listen to Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” on CD in the car–it helps me remember to let go of things.
Oh, sweetie, of course it’s not just you. (Though you know that back behind the brain whispers.) My bff and I were just talking about how last night we both failed at dinner. I mean, to make any sort of dinner to feed our people. We fail at groceries and we just plain frequently fail at life. I always turn the wrong way and end up walking against a crowd, I always talk too loud and then shut up and don’t speak at all. I’m currently laying on my couch with my toddler parked in front of the TV just waiting desperately for him to go take a nap so I can have one too. Fail at life. But that doesn’t make me a less valuable person. It just makes me a person. Not only does depression lie, but Pintrest does, too. There’s no such thing as a perfect PTA mom. They go home and yell at their kids and praise God when they finally go to bed so they can get their drink on. Just like the rest of us. <3
You are SO not alone! Some days, I have to call it a success if I actually get out of bed and let the dogs go outside. Oh, crap. I forgot to buy more dog treats on my lunch break. Anyway, I figure if you’re succeeding at 3-4 days a month, that’s a GREAT start! Next month, aim for 4-5 days. And if you need to feel better, just come back here and compare notes with the rest of us. Trust me on that.
Before I even got to that point in your post I was saying “Imposter Syndrome”. It’s everywhere and I suffer from it, too. I’m a Manager in a wonderful museum, with a Master’s Degree and some days I’m all like “They pay me to make Slime? To play with fossils?”
Of course, they also pay me to deal with tempermental co-workers, budgets and grant proposals.
Sometimes it helps to list the good things and what you’ve accomplished. You’re friends with Neil Gaiman and Wil Wheaton, honey!
You have overcome so much to go so far. You’re not a fluke. You can’t do everything? None of can. Please don’t beat yourself up over it.
Love you.
It’s not just you. I think everyone feels this way, Jenny, and we simply don’t talk about it. Listen, dear darling woman… you could sit on your sofa with a bag of Skittles watching movie channels for the rest of your life, and you would have been more “productive” than 90% of the rest of us out here. Why? Because you have given millions of strangers the gift of laughter. The gift of smiles. The gift of a tiny peek into that marvelous mind of yours.
Breathe. Dance. Shop for enormous metal chickens. You are loved.
I think 95 percent of the population would raise their hand in agreement to this. One thing I learned in therapy that stuck was that we can’t ever, ever compare ourselves to others. The ones who you think have it all most likely are so very unhappy on the inside. What we think is mundane would be a miracle for others. We have to take pride in the little things and keep plodding along. Couches need to be sat on. Little House marathons need to be watched. Be who you are meant to be, and rock at it. It may be collecting taxidermy, which you excel at. Who the hell cares if you’re not a PTA mom. There’s a woman out there made to be one, so let her rock the shit out of that. Now go on with your bad self and be awesome.
I totally relate. In fact, we could be clones of the same people. I have depression, anxiety and ADD, but for added fun I have an eating disorder and a slew of other ailments. I haven’t even been as productive as you by having a kid. I underperform at my job and I’ve never really succeeded at much except getting out of bed in the morning and getting to work. And sometimes I don’t even succeed at that, I just call in sick. Just keep plugging away like the rest of us. If it helps at all, this blog makes my life sunnier. Even this post. and p.s. I thought by arsonistic you meant you put your arse on things. THAT should be in the dictionary IMHO.
I must say that this post has really spoken to me. I feel like most days are just a struggle to survive. Overall, I’d say probably 5-6 days a week I feel good about what I did in the day.
Oh Honey. It isn’t just you. I could tell you about myself, but honestly, I have no idea where to start and I have no idea how to phrase it.
Just looked at the impostor syndrome link. JFC. It has a name. The fact that I fully expect to wake up some day and have the ENTIRE WORLD looking at me like “YOU BIG LIAR.” Like at any moment I’m expecting to be caught, that I’m one step away from being exposed as a fraud.
So it isn’t just you.
I meant to say more…but I’m at work and I’m on hold and I’m just not that fucking stealthy.
Depression runs in my family and I’ve dealt with it most of my life. I don’t know how to make a decent decision and I have never trusted my own feelings. It’s so fucking ridiculous. For instance..I made iced green tea the other day. I liked it. My husband had some and he DIDN’T like it. I consider him the tea expert..(as if that matters) and my FIRST reaction was…Oh shit..I shouldn’t like this. Why would I like this?
People who know me always tell me how strong I am, even my mother, and say they wish they could speak their mind the way I do..that they wish they could come up with the quick come backs the way I do..blah blah blah..
I don’t feel strong though. I’ve just had decades to perfect the ability to fake it.
I’m guessing this isn’t helping you much though.
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
Hi Jenny,
I call this “Being an adult” syndrome. I’m very lucky in that my adult role models (My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, older cousins, older siblings, etc) have been very honest with me. I ran across the above blog post this morning on my facebook feed, and even though I’m not married, and have no kids, I think her point at the start is the crucial point. Find the things that you know you’re good at (loving your daughter completely) and focus on doing them and doing them well.
This week, for the first time in over 9 months, I finally started working out again. And when I say “working out” I mean dragging my fat (literally, it’s okay, I’m working on it) ass around at speeds that a four year old wouldn’t be able to slow down to, but I’m doing it because I want to be fit. Not slim and model-like, just fit. Able to do the things I want to do without my body stopping me. Yesterday was the second day to exercise in this most recent attempt to be fit. I had to argue myself into it by reminding myself that while I hate the process of leaving the comfy bed and starting the workout, and I may not even really enjoy the workout itself, I deserve whatever measure of health I can gift myself with. And then I told myself that depression lies, and when it starts lying it’s time for me to start being awesome in spite of it again. And that awesome sometimes just looks like stumbling out into the neighborhood in cut-off-patched up sweat pant/shorts and a t-shirt and a slept in pony tail to move around some to gift myself with that fitness.
I didn’t feel great about it when I was pouring sweat. I didn’t feel great about it when my legs were hurting all day yesterday. I did feel great about it when I thought “But I’ve now done 2 workouts in a row, I’m practically in a trend.”
I like to take the bigger tasks that I need to get done (clean out my wardrobe) and break them down into tiny components, and then celebrate like I climbed Mt Everest for completing any tiny component. If anyone tries to point out that it wasn’t that big of a deal I just tell them to f off because *for me* it is.
But all of that isn’t to say that I don’t frequently feel like I’m just pretending to be a responsible adult, and that there aren’t so many things that I’m convinced I suck at, or am worthless because of. I just have found that the best thing *for me* is to keep finding those tiny victories every day. Oh, and to post (annoyingly, probably) on my facebook page something I’m thankful for _every day_ even when I want the whole world to just disappear. I’ve found those small things that I’m thankful for “hot running water” sometimes is enough to be the bright golden thread that pulls me through to the next day which may not suck so much.
Much love to you, and as I tell my younger friends “No one has it figured out. They just like to pretend they do. I still love you even if you are far from perfect.”
Xoxoxo
I’ve felt like a fraud my whole life. I can’t celebrate my successes, because all I can think of is “Whew! Slipped that one past them,” closely followed by, “Oh shit. I’m going to spend the rest of my life worrying abut when they will figure it out.” Every day is a race to stay ahead of whoever I think is going to figure out that I suck that day.
I’d say I average maybe 1 day in every week to 10 days feeling like an actual person of non-suckiness. So yeah, 3 to 4 days a month seems pretty normal to me.
No, it’s not just you. It may not be 100% healthy, but it’s 100% normal. I have maybe 5 “successful” days in a month, my wife the same. Every once in a while we line up, and have a little “we rocked it” mini-celebration. Most days we both feel like we could have done so much better if only we’d tried a little harder.
Shit, I own my own business, my books do decently well given the oddly specific genre I write, I and my roomie are looking to buy a house. I’m pretty fucking successful, most people would be baffled to know that mostly I judge myself by what I haven’t done and constantly see a lack.
I’ve got a closet that needs cleaned, I never bother to put my laundry away, I fucking hate doing chores and feel like a loser cause my roomie does them more, my many books will never be as successful as your one. I see A LOT of failure where in fact none exists, and some days I can figure that out, and some days I can’t. For every good day there’s like five bad, I swear.
Mostly I try to ignore the voices, or distract myself until they quiet down for a bit. I write a lot, I read a lot, play with my kitties and play Plants vs. Zombies a whole hell of a lot. I also do a lot of cooking, because nothing is quite as relaxing/distracting for me as spending 8 or so hours making bread or pretzels or something from scratch.
This is very common, and very sad, and very ingrained in our society, and I’ve spent the last several years just trying to accept the fact that even if I never do another awesome thing, I’ll still have value and be worthy of love, just because I’m me.
Mental illness feeds it, for sure. But so do societal expectations of women. So do things that we learned, sometimes explicitly, but more often implicitly, from our parents (even the most well-intentioned parents). I learned that I had to EARN love — with accomplishments, with meeting expectations, with being “good” and “responsible” and “trustworthy” and all that stuff.
And really, we’re all after love and connection. That’s what makes life worthwhile. But we get mired in shame, and fear we’re not worthy of love, and it puts us in a huge-ass emotional tailspin.
I highly, HIGHLY recommend reading the work of Brené Brown. In fact, she has a book called “I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Wasn’t).” Her work has changed my life and my view of myself, and I think it will you, too.
I think for me it’s more than 3-4 days a month, but I wouldn’t say I’m batting over 400. I’m very active, so if I have a day when I can bike or run or swim and, like, not be the slowest one, that really helps. If I can do that and also not come home, shove all the food in my mouth and fall asleep for a few hours, even better.
I think sometimes, when you know you’re seen as successful, it adds a bit more pressure to what that means for you. Like, for one person, having an article published is a giant success. And for me, several years ago, it was. For me now, though, the fact that I have not yet written (or even started, really) the book that I’ve been talking about for YEARS so very badly overshadows any other accomplishments that it just taints (hehe, taint) a lot of the good so in order for it to be good it’s got to be fucking GREAT, and I almost never actually see anything as fucking GREAT, but if I did, I bet it would be the most incredible thing ever. Know what I mean. I have a feeling you do.
This is *totally* normal, and I don’t even think it’s got anything to do with depression. I don’t have any (diagnosed) mental illnesses, and I could have written this post! I honestly think most people feel like this and just don’t say it. Currently, I’m not as successful as I want to be at anything. I’m a stay-at-home mom with a little boy who is six weeks old today, and I’m obviously getting even less done than before. I just do my best, and remind myself that I am, in fact, successful at *some* things.
(So really, totally normal.)
I’ve been following along with your blog now for awhile, ever since Ryan from Pacing the Panic Room linked to your amazing Christmas miracle. And I loved reading your book. While I may not suffer from anything that can be diagnosed, I know that I struggle with feeling like a human, too. Maybe not for the same reasons you struggle, but the struggle is still there.
It’s not easy to live a picture perfect life, it’s not easy to try to live that life. I’ve been on the trying side of things for awhile now, and I’ve come to realize that perception is reality. If I feel that I’m living the life that is perfect for me, then others will perceive my life in a more perfect state. Or else just be judgemental a**holes.
I truly believe that most people struggle to maintain the image that they present. But I’m sure it’s at a cost in another part of their lives. What I know works best for me is to strive to be better, be it kinder or more focussed or more patient, and forgive myself when I fail. As long as I’m putting effort in, I’m doing alright. And the most important thing is that I don’t ‘try’ to the point where I stop being me. The people in my life love and appreciate me for who I am, and they appreciate me working on myself, but they wouldn’t want to see me do that to the point where I became someone else.
Finally, I would give anything, absolutely anything, to have a mother that sat on the couch with me to cuddle and watch reruns on TV. My mother has struggled with many demons, demons that no one saw, and I don’t think she’s ever admitted that she could be more. Spending time with your daughter and acknowledging your imperfections will mean more to her than having a ‘perfect’ family, trust me.
Honestly, I feel pretty good about my life most of the time. There are the bad days, but they’re more limited to 3-4 days a month. I feel like I’m doing pretty awesome for being me and being happy about this.
Do I sometimes feel like others are better or something? Occasionally, but then I remind myself not to compare myself to them.. because I’m just not them. I’m me. 🙂
Wishing you luck, love and hoping this honest reply helps.
(It does. They all help, but this one makes me hopeful. ~ Jenny)
It varies for me, month to month. Some months I feel amazing, others like ‘why am I even bothering?’ most days. But then, a friend, my wife (just married!), or a stranger says how much they liked a blog post, or enjoy seeing how my cartooning skills are developing, and it is all worthwhile.
I’m on medication too, which helps. I find the best thing is to just keep creating (whatever) and sharing.
While adapting my novel to a podcast, I stopped at one point. I was on the fence about finishing, when a dad emailed me and said he enjoyed listening to each episode with his son–how could I not finish after reading such a thing? Fans, either two or two thousand, are probably the best remedy.
Days where I feel like I got shit done and accomplished something? 3-4 a month.
Days where I feel like I went through the motions and burned through yet another irreplaceable day in my life and got nothing done and let people down why am I such a lazy losery asshole? Probably 20-25.
Remainder: Spent dragging my ass around forlornly in a bleak haze of misery and self loathing.
It’s not just you.
Not to be all “Me, too!” but… me, too.
In good months, I get 7-10 days where I feel fab about everything, including myself. Most months it’s 4-5. I get very roller-coaster-y most days, and they are a mix of good and bad. Even when I look at how many things I accomplished in a day, there’s always the douche bag critic in my head that says, “do more!”
One thing I started doing about a month and a half ago is a happiness journal. Every morning, along with my coffee, I write three things that happened the day before that made me some variant of happy. Happy-makers can range everywhere from “Had a nice, quick, catch up chat with Cyndy on Facebook yesterday.” to “I finally gave in and tried the chocolate croissants at the [my favorite] bakery. Holy shit, I’m glad I did!” to “Went on a hike and the weather was perfect for it.”
And my “when all else fails” technique is to dose myself with intarweb cuteness. Here are a couple of my favorites: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TugslL45aXk and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RM5hQ3Qtf-8
Honestly, this all sounds fairly normal to me. It’s really hard for me to get to know people because I’m so totally socially awkward, but as soon as I do, they come bursting out with all the same feelings you described in this post. Because social media lies. Facebook and Pinterest lie. People WANT to have all those pretty shiny houses and a dozen DIY projects done to perfection a week, but most people don’t get around to it. Because they have lives and fears and worries and the basics of living to get done. And sometimes, the basics of living are all we’ve got in us, and I think that’s totally ok.
I’m a freelance writer. Right now, I’m days behind where I need to be and my production is what helps pay the mortgage and keep my kid supplied with lunch meat and school supplies. On days like this, I think “I’m a horrible person. My writing directly affects my kid’s ability to eat, and here I am staring at the screen.” This is when I start putting crap on my to-do list like “take a shower” and “put the lunch plate in the dishwasher.” Because some days I need some easy wins, and some days, taking a shower is NOT AN EASY WIN.
I used to think some of those PTA moms were super stars and wonder if I was broken. Then I got to know some of them, and I found out how they go home and drink a bottle of wine and cry because they are so stressed and they feel like they aren’t doing anything right. Not all of them, but a lot of them.
I think we like to put on glossy masks for the world, but most people have the cracks and dirt and unfinished projects stuffed in a closet. And I have to say, I LOVE your blog because it’s quirky and fun. But I also love it because it’s honest, and you aren’t afraid of showing the cracks and the dirt. The world needs more women who show faces behind the masks so everyone else isn’t so afraid to show theirs.
3-5 days a month is a rocking success. I was going with 1: job, kids, husband all considered…
Okay, first off, those women on pinterest with the “perfect” lives spend way too much time cultivating what looks perfect. It’s not realistic for people who work and try to spend time with their families. It’s just NOT possible. I mean, REALLY. I read something this morning going around on facebook where some woman had created a “back to school” diorama + special first day of school breakfast. That way lies madness.
Second, I totally have imposter syndrome, too. I’m a PhD student & working full time, yet I still feel sometimes like I’m not really smart enough to do what I’m doing in work and school. Obviously, I’m doing it well or I wouldn’t be where I am, but it’s still there.
As for feeling successful, I don’t really know what to say there. I have definite moments where I crack a piece of code or fix something and I feel like a rock star, but by and large I consider any day that I made it through a success. I may not accomplish anything worth writing home about, but if I made it through the day without injuring myself or others, it’s good.
I think we all have some self-doubt going on – we are our own harshest critics, after all. I don’t think you’re alone in this.
My honest assessment is that you’re a human being. Congratulations?! I don’t know a single person who wakes up and goes to bed each night feeling like everything they just did changed the world in the best possible way. Hell, I don’t even know that many people who wake up in the actual morning.
I don’t think that what you’re feeling is unusual, particularly not for a parent, and especially not for a mom with a job and deadlines and goals. Life is overwhelming. Being ALIVE is overwhelming. Anything beyond “don’t die in a freak accident” on your to-do list is gravy, and if you make it to bed each night having only accomplished that one thing, then you’re doing alright. You get tomorrow to change the world again.
Okay. This is the first time I’ve ever commented on your blog, but I’ve read a lot of it. Tons of it.
What I want to tell you, and desperately wish I could tell you, is “Yes. You’re doing life wrong. You need to silence the voices in your head. Let me show you how.”
Unfortunately, the honest-to-God truth is that I feel the same way you do A LOT. And the funny thing is (it’s actually not funny, it’s kind of sad) that I feel this way even when I actually do accomplish quite a bit in one day. Like, the days when I’ve cleaned my house or gotten a lot of freelance writing done or helped the kids with homework or volunteered at school or whatever… I still go to bed feeling like I could have done that day so much better. And the days when I *don’t* do any of these things (or do only one miniscule thing like get groceries or go to the bank), I feel like a total waste.
I think the problem is that most if not all of us are really, REALLY good at putting shiny veneers on our lives. We’re pretty good at smiling and laughing and acting like we have it all together, but we never actually crack open our skulls and expose our darkest thoughts to everyone around us. We all want everyone else to believe we’re totally together, so we stuff those ugly parts into the closets, shut doors on them, and whistle innocently.
I don’t know if this is the answer you were looking for — probably not. And if that’s the case I apologize. But I thought it might be worth it to let you know you’re not alone.
(And, I don’t have mental illness. I don’t have any personality or anxiety disorders, unless you count social anxiety. I do struggle with depression at times but probably not like you. So I don’t think it’s just the mental illness… I think this could very well be just a part of the human condition.)
Basically 3-5 days a month I really feel like I accomplished something worthwhile. The rest of the month I just coast through. I think it is because I do the EXACT SAME THING every day (kid gym housey stuff) So the 3-5 days a month where I have something else to do is when I feel better.
I feel like I am barely making it through life most days of the month. Today, I actually feel like I am (somewhat) on top of things. (Although there are bills to pay, a house to clean, laundry to do, etc. Maybe I am not as on top of things as I think.) I think we live in a world where we only see what others want us to, and it looks like they have their stuff together. And I don’t, so I am a failure. I am a mediocre parent, at best, in my estimation. I utterly fail at being a good wife. I get through the day at my job, but I don’t know that I am excelling at it, by any means.
I strive to live a life where my motto is not, “Ok, just gotta get through this day.” But I haven’t yet figured out how to get there.
The meds and supplements I am on help the depression and anxiety not get the best of me everyday anymore, but it still sneaks in more often than I would like.
What we need is more people to share their struggles so we know we aren’t alone. Thanks for being honest and sharing yours. If nothing else, we can all feel like failures together, and thus create a community where we feel like we belong. 🙂
And you had 62 comments in seven minutes. 😀
OH, YEAH. Some months it’s more, but most months it’s that or less. I think we’re the norm. Really.
I try to just have good moments in a day. If I can do that I feel pretty good. And of course there are days without them but most days have at least one moment that is good. Or at best OK. Thank goodness for pets and loved ones, am I right?
The way I see it, you are only looing at your own dirt because you’re close enough to see the cracks in your public persona. You see the PTA moms, but you aren’t looking closely enough at them to see the cracks in their public personas. So they have washed hair and seem to be on top of their kids? I’ve noticed that no one is as perfect as the face they put on for other people to see. You seem to me to be an honest person and can’t deny your cracks. Personally, I don’t see that as a bad thing; just realize that other people are just as dirty but refuse to show it.
I have nothing to really add except that I was roommates with Hunter Bell, one of the writers of [title of show] my freshman year in college. Great guy, by the way. Still chat with him sometimes. Yeah – just name dropped. Sue me.
Most of the time I feel I’m just faking the confidence I appear to be showing. I have no clue as to what I’m doing. And I realized that goes for most people. I smile when I’m miserable and people think I have a pretty neat life. Which I really do have, on my good days. Other days I just want to hide underneath my duvet and pretend the world’s not spinning.
Those people with perfect families, going to PTA meetings, baking cookies are just more apt at hiding their skeletons. As a kid I thought: When I grow up, I’ll know what I’m doing, just like all other adults. What do you know…they don’t know either.
Yes you have problems. They’re part of who you are. You could be better. (So could I) On the other hand, we are where we are right now. Nothing in the world can change that. We’ve been where we’ve been, again, no changing that. Only the way you look at it and deal with it in the future is something you have control over. It’s very good to critically look at yourself. To want to better yourself. Make sure you don’t lose you in the process.
And, on a lighter note, those soccermoms with their perfect ass, hair, kids and house do need us desperately. So they can feel better about themselves. Even the screw-ups like us have an important role to play in the system.
Love, hugs.
I have maybe 5-6 days a month where I feel like I’ve actually done something (anything) worthwhile. Most days, I feel like a slacker and loser because I don’t have a clean house or haven’t had time to do whatever. I feel like most days I’m just keeping my head above water.
Most days, though, I just have to be proud that I didn’t turn all stabby when people use rampant apostrophes or make very obvious comments. Or I’m just proud that my boobs didn’t strangle me in my sleep. Seriously – that’s a thing. I can’t lay on my back because gravity makes my boobs head for my throat, cutting off my air supply
Many many days I consider it a success that I’ve kept my kids alive. Anything else is icing. And the PTA gives me horrible anxiety. Most people hate the PTA.
Honestly, I feel in adequate as a mom and blogger all the time.. Mostly the blogger side. As a mom b/c I don’t have my shit together like a lot of moms do.. Does it bother me? Sometimes.. but more not. As long as my family loves me and appreciates me that’s all i can ask for right? We all question our worth..
As a blogger I struggle trying to decide if what I write about is even worth reading? Am I really being myself on my blog? Yeah I think so.. but prob 75% of the time.. It’s a struggle to decide if we are ever good enough for anything let alone ourselves. That prob makes no sense..
I tell myself daily- “All I can do, is what I can do”.. See each day as a blessing to be alive and possibly try to do right by someone else if we can’t do right by ourselves.. That includes loving yourself. You are prob more confused by most comment..
either way, I appreciate your honesty and want to tell you- You are worth it and you kick ass on a daily basis whether you feel like it or not.
hugs from S.A.
I’ve got some pretty hardcore depression and anxiety going on, and know EXACTLY what you’re talking about. I burst into tears when my husband finally got through to me that he doesn’t want me to DO certain things, he just wants me to be as happy/healthy as I can be, and if that means spending a day playing videogames and eating chocolate? As long as it works.
Yes. I am not depressed – at least, not more than most people. I am a former cutter, though, and that is something I struggle with – even with more than 11 years of not cutting. I am outgoing, have a job in my field, work out regularly, am active, and am generally successful as people see it – and yet I am constantly baffled when people have the impression that I have my life together. Because it doesn’t actually feel that way.
I’ve heard of this phenomenon through two metaphors that I have to remind myself of whenever I find myself comparing my work/self to others. One is that you’re getting my highlights reel – that’s all the public is seeing. My bloopers reel, my low points, are just not a part of my public face, and I think that’s true of most people (who aren’t professional bloggers).
The other is slightly more entertaining – do the ducks on the pond *look* like they’re frantically paddling to move forward?
Hmmm, I’ve never thought about how many days a month I feel good at life. But there are plenty when I don’t. The treading water metaphor really resonates. Sometimes I get very tired of working so hard just to maintain the status quo. I want progress! But life throws us curveballs and I’m afraid I let those steer me off track more than I should.
I think that it is totally normal to feel that way. I know that I feel that way, and I know that a lot of my friends, whether they admit it or not, feel that way. I think that the “perceived perfection” is some BS we create to give ourselves goals. Aren’t those outdated anyway? Isn’t it better to be yourself and love your family and teach them to work hard and do your best? Maybe that means I am crazy too. I have boxes of crap that I haven’t unpacked (I think the cat peed on one), I have half finished projects all over the house. I go to school, I go to work, I come home I pretend to clean (do a load of laundry but never fold it), and I tell my daughter and husband that I love them. I guess I just have to tell myself that it is okay. I am not in danger of hurting someone if the dishes don’t get washed one day, and the fabric of space and time will not rip apart if I send my husband to ballet instead of going on my own because I am having a migraine (or worse, we skip ballet and have fro-yo for dinner). So if that is crazy then i am crazy too.
You are definitely not alone, I bet you most of those PTA moms are just hiding behind a façade. Your talent in life is being you, and from where I stand..you are awesome!
If you are feeling that 3-4 days a month you are rockin’ it, you are doing great! Most days are a struggle against the ridiculousness of life. I spend most of my days working on stupid client issues when I would rather be off flying a kite with the kiddos.
My only way of muddling through has been using the kids as a barometer: are they happy? in relatively clean clothes? hair not obviously tangled? teeth occasionally brushed? I didn’t accidentally feed them the cat food? Then life is good.
Self imposed guilt is the worst kind there is and I know A LOT of wives and mothers that suffer deeply because of it. I personally feel like I’ve accomplished something if I get my dishes washed….once a week. I get to the end of a lot of days and think ‘why the hell was I even awake? I didn’t do crap!’ Shiny, happy people DO exist, but most of us are just faking it until we make it. Maybe it’s the procrastinator in me that whispers it, but at the end of the day I always tell myself ‘there’s always tomorrow. We’ll actually accomplish something tomorrow!’ Most days I’m just happy if I can keep my world from looking like the latest episode of Hoarders.
And BTW….I think I’m perfectly normal!
You know what’s funny? I feel that way when I look at you. You have a beautiful GORGEOUS clean house, so nicely decorated. You’re a successful author and people love your writing and I can’t even keep my kitchen floor clean or shower most days. I’m always losing my temper with my kids and I don’t do enough and it’s NEVER ENOUGH. So at least you know you’re not alone.
Go back to the first part of your accomplishments and skip the “buts.” And also, here’s a slap in the mouth because 99.9% of us want to be you. The other .1% are just angry, drunk readers who post mean comments in the middle of the night. Oh wait. Maybe that’s just on my blog.
I feel like a tourist in my own life most days if I’m honest. I fail to get off to sleep most nights as I lay there thinking how I could have done things better that day or said something different. I probably feel pretty ok about myself about 4 times a week (not 4 days – just 4 times). If it makes you feel any better, it makes me feel a lot better knowing that someone as awesomely funny and as successful as yourself also feels the same way.
We are the normal ones. Maybe those who feel great all the time are the ones who are really mentally ill? 🙂
Chin up. We think you’re fab xx
I am literally sitting in a waiting room to see a doctor to get some anti-anxiety/anti-depressants while i type this because hell no, it is not just you. Every single thing I do I think I have fucked up. I’m down to maybe one day every couple of months of feeling like I have succeeded at being a person properly. (Hence the doctor visit)
I think everyone has the same reality. At leat I do and even though I’m into some meds and going to a shrink once every other week I am not depressed (at least not clinically) and most of the week/month I feel like an impostor. I work and I come home and think “another lost day” or “I’m completely over paid”. I hardly ever go out of my house after I get there and even though my boyfriend insists on how pretty and succesfull I am, I still feel like I’m failing on everything I do.
I do feel succesful once in a while. But it is true. I have trouble being a person, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend, a worker….
My guess: Most people feel the same. They just don’t say it outloud.
ps: you are great. I can’t say if you’re great at being a person or a mom, but i can say that you are amazing and have helped many many people around the world (I’m from Chile). Your book made me laugh and cry mostly because I felt identified with most of it (not the taxidermy part, though), and I’m sure many other people, feeling just as you feel right now, have gotten through it thanks to you. So, just be you. No one teaches us how to be a person, mom, friend, etc. You just are. And we love you for it.
Zero days. I’m 33 and basically feel like every day is just passing time while I wait for my life to grind to the end. I have a loving spouse, a stable (if not rewarding) job, good friends, and enjoyable hobbies, and yet I don’t feel like I am accomplishing anything worthwhile with my life. So I’d say 3-4 days a month seems pretty good!
It’s definitely not just you. When my kids were younger, I always felt like a winning day was one where we ate actual dinner and they’d gotten most of their homework done. Single mom, juggling two kids and one job and never enough money makes you feel like you’re the worst mom in the PTA bunch. Especially when those other moms look fabulous and have their hair and nails done.
I think Pinterest is the devil. No one really can do that stuff. Or at least not all of it. Maybe everyone can do ONE LITTLE THING out of that whole big site? And the thing I can do? I can type you up a GREAT looking letter. Woo and hoo.
Remember: every person you meet is putting up a facade of one type or another. They may have the perfect manicure, but have the worst case of “that not so fresh feeling.” All that effort they’re putting into PTA? is masking their unhappy marriage. Or whatever. We are all battling demons the rest of the world will never know or see.
Fleeting moments of okayness. Not even whole days most of the time. But I just ride them like waves. And be thankful for all I have. (I also have GAD with occasional panic for fun). Maybe a little OCD that keeps me up and getting (most) shit done.
Good questions; keep on doing what you can!
Welcome to being human. I don’t have any mental disorders, mental illness or similar. And yet I feel a lot like you. I am not going to repeat the things you already said, I basically sum up my story thinking that the day I die, I will have not accomplished anything anyone will remember me by. Some days I am happy enough with being a good person, others I hate that I am nothing but that. But that is not your illness, it is just life. Just the perks of being human.
“It’s just that at the end of each day I usually lie in bed and think “Shit. I’m fucking shit up. I accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing.” I feel like I’m treading water and that I’m always another half-day behind in life.”
I have lots of days like that. Most of them, in fact.
And those shiny, pretty Parent-Teacher meeting people? They’re not real; they can’t be. Probably robots.
I feel like I just read a post that could have been written by me. It’s so easy to take everything on Facebook at face value, so to speak. But the truth is that on Facebook (and, most likely, everywhere else that is a social media thing) we tend to put our best foot forwards. We don’t want anyone to think that our lives might be less than perfect.
The truth is that I feel accomplished about the same amount of days per month that you do. Some days it’s a few more, some days it’s less. Some days, just the fact that I got my laundry done is a huge deal, or that I made dinner, or that I went grocery shopping. I struggle to feel successful; I’ve been unemployed for a year and the idea of getting a job frightens me because I’ve been under an enormous amount of stress from illness in my family that I’m afraid that I will have a huge breakdown at work and will therefore be shortly out of a job again.
I hope that this helps you in some way, at least in knowing that you aren’t the only one who struggles with this, Jenny.
You’re definitely not alone. I feel like I’ve accomplished something MAYBE 1 day a month. And that’s really pushing it to say even 1 day a month. I am living my life, coasting month to month to year to year without any accomplishments. Getting up, getting to work, and home again are often all I have the energy to accomplish.
For me, that’s due to a yet-to-be diagnosed chronic illness, coupled with major depression, Avoidant Personality DIsorder, osteoarthritis in an ever-increasing number of joints, chronic migraines, and just head-to-toe pain (part of previously mentioned undiagnosed illness). For me – making it to & from work is a BIG accomplishment most days. Weekends? It’s damn near a miracle if I manage to leave the house to get to the grocery store.
I can’t help but compare my current life with how I used to be – constantly road tripping and attending concerts and posting at livejournal multiple times a day… and oh how do I miss the “old me”. Current me is nothing but a disappointment to myself.
You just hit the crux of my life on the head. Maybe once, twice a week I feel like, I got this shit handled.” Then something happens and I spend a day marathoning TV shows, barely remembering to shove pants on and pick the kid up from school. It happens. That’s what living with mental disorders does to a person. Acknowledging it helps you dig out of the hole a little, but the hole is a deep pit. You won’t ever have a solid week of, “Holy fucking shit, I’m amazing at life.” But you will get to the point where you think, “Good job, pig” at the end of the week.
Your house is still standing. Your family is sticking by your side despite the mess inside your head. That’s what matters. PTA meetings are torture. Your kiddo knows you support her without it. Going to the bank is a miracle.
Celebrate each achievement as they come. The big picture is not something a person with mental illness can dwell on. Step by step. Keep moving forward. And don’t hate yourself for the days where your forward progress is a crawl, hidden under your favorite blanket while dragging along a stuffed cow.
I honestly feel like a successful person about 2 days a month. My house is a mess and it smells like cat pee. I work a full time retail job (and have for 18 years, I hate it, but fear change) the best thing to happen in forever was Dragon*Con. Damn that was great! If it weren’t for my husband & cats I would have given up a long time ago. Knowing that there are people out there like me helps, too. Love you Jenny.
I know exactly how you feel here. Feeling like I’m failing at life is a constant issue for me (and I have a good marriage, a nice – always disastrous – house, and two healthy kids). I’m on meds for depression and anxiety and they are helping, but they haven’t taken care of this problem. I can’t tell you how often I feel like I’m succeeding because I haven’t taken special note of those days, though maybe I should. But I do constantly feel like I “should” be doing more and if I’m not, I’m failing.
Hugs to you. Your book had a very profound impact on me.
(also, apologies if this posts fifteen times…I keep getting a wp error every time I click submit)
the pretty shiny people we compare ourselves too, we don’t see their cracks & dirt just our own.
i feel like i kicked ass a few times a month, the other days, i feel like i’ve been kicked in the teeth.
i am my harshest critic though. when people tell me good job, success, etc, i kind of look at them like they are the devil.
I haven’t felt successful in about a week. At all. I feel like I’m drowning. I’ve cried in front of a coworker, like, straight from a laugh to a cry. I am constantly terrified of gaining back the 50lbs I’ve lost (and I need to lose another 75 or more). Every time someone makes a nice comment about my weight loss, I feel like a fraud. I don’t have depression or anxiety, but I felt such social anxiety over the holiday weekend, I got a stomach ache and desperately wanted to leave a family event. I’m behind at work and again, when someone thanks me for doing something, all I can think of are the 30 other things I HAVEN’T done.
What gets me through is knowing that it WILL get better. My life won’t be this pace for too much longer and my husband insisted we have a date night (we are so not those people) this week. And by considering how much I’ve learned (part of my breakneck pace is due to graduate school) in the past 6 years. So, the little things, and the long term success things, that’s how you make it.
I admit, most days I feel like a complete failure; except at work. As long as I make it work 5 days/week, I call myself a success. But honestly, it’s all of the other things I NEED to take care of that I just ignore. I’m EXHAUSTED after working. I rarely blog anymore, because I don’t have the energy. I feel like I’m just living day to day and as long as I survive, I call it a win. I moved a year ago this month, and I still have boxes (dozens) that I haven’t opened to even know where anything is. I try to set up goals of things to accomplish after the work day, but I just don’t have it in me. On weekends when I’m home, I sleep or drink the day away with friends. That’s not winning; that’s wasting the day. And those damn boxes are still there staring at me from every room in the house. You are definitely not alone. I fake it through most days, but honestly, I probably only REALLY feel good less than 5 days per month. I hope you find your peace and continue to share your struggles and accomplishments. They truly help me to remember that I am not alone.
I honestly deep down feel like you are inside my head writing my thoughts & feelings the way I never could myself. I censor myself so much online, not to be a faker, but to keep from being that negative depressing person that everyone avoids. I am in shock when people tell me they think I have things together and a great life, then I realize I have failed at even being myself for fear of driving people away.
How many days a month? Are we counting whole days or just how many days did I have moments of fleeting greatness??
First and foremost I think it will be amazing for you to recognize the fact that you literally JUST posted this and there are already 16 comments ahead of mine. I’m a fairly fast reader mind you. This is something I have also been struggling with lately. I have a birthday coming up and I feel like I should have something to show for my adult life. I should have accomplishments and be able to say more than I’m a divorcee who just squeezes by on life. When talking to a very dear friend of mine he pointed out that I do have things to show, I’m just not seeing them. I have a home and food and a good job that supports me, but more importantly I have friends who would drop anything for me in a second and have my back through anything I could possibly need. I’m not a very social person, so I have a few extremely close friends. But they are everything. You success in life doesn’t need to be what you get accomplished daily, or if your bills have been paid on time or being part of the PTA. Your success comes from the more important things, like your relationship with your husband and raising your daughter. You have people who care for you and love you deeply and there is a good reason for that. And not only that but you have touched and helped more people than I think you could even begin to understand. That is the success that truly matters in life. These are things I try to remember when I get dragged down by anxiety. Keep your head up. You are not alone and you are so loved.
BEEN THERE. GO BACK FROM TIME TO TIME. This is the depression/anxiety talking.
Two things that have helped a lot (besides therapy & tons of positive support from loved ones):
1. Someone once told me: “You could sit on your bed for the rest of your life, accomplish nothing, and still be a worthwhile person, deserving of love.” (Not that you’d want to, or enjoy it, just that it wouldn’t negate your worth. Been chewing on that for years.)
2. Jennifer whatsit on KPFA’s mantra: “Go easy; and if you can’t go easy, go as easy as you can.”
There are many of us. You are not alone, and you are not an imposter. You’re a gem.
As a fellow person, you sound…average.
As a bipolar person and advocate, you sound…average.
As a mom, you sound…average.
These are all good/scary/annoying/hard things. You fall down, you pick yourself up. You fall down again, you pick yourself up again. The problem doesn’t come from falling down, it comes from refusing to pick yourself up.
It sounds like you’re identifying issues and progressing towards them, and that is a monumentally good thing.
Yep. About 3-4 days a month sounds right. Those are the days when I got the to do list done, and even do normal-tasks-that-I-rarely-do like putting away laundry before I wear it all again. I actually had that day yesterday. Got done a bunch of client work, emptied the dishwasher, and exercise. I also remembered to eat and went to bed on time. A fucking miracle day. The day before that all I could do was lay in bed and play SimCity and randomly fall asleep when my sims didn’t do stuff fast enough.
Oh!! Last week I had a revelation (or revolution? both?) and decided that I didn’t have to go to the school picnic (always migraine-inducing for me) and I didn’t have to go to back-to-school night either!! Seriously changed my life last week. I still felt guilty but I emailed the teacher and she was nice to me the next day so I guess she doesn’t hate me. The PTA might hate me, though. I do field trips and library but no committees or fundraising because I would rather cut off digits. Oh well.
First, I totally subscribe to this. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html (I don’t mean Allie’s feed. I mean that cycle is totally me.)
Most women I know have told me they have felt like a fraud. That at any moment, someone is going to come in the door and say, “AHA! We caught you!” and we all agreed that we’d be yep, game up. You caught me faking it! So we do feel like we’re not winning.
Lately, I’m on a hyper kick, so I feel pretty accomplished most days of the week. (Accomplished not the same as winning) That said, “power Jen” days have a way of making my partner miserable. “You aren’t able to sit still!” “Why don’t you relax?” And, it makes me become a nag. “Other than a mess, what did you make in this kitchen?” So yay for the laundry being done, but was it worth the argument?
As far as the shiny happy people in the PTA meetings… I used to think all the skinny girls had all the happiness. Now I’ve met so many that have problems that I realize skinny does not equal happy. So maybe they are shiny and happy on the outside, but who knows what lies beneath. Maybe I should stop watching Broadchurch.
Hang in there. One day is better than no days. <3.
Yes, I feel the same way. Most of the time I live in squalor because I can’t summon the energy to clean. I’m always behind on bills and taxes. Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed. You are SO not alone. Also, this: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
Imposter syndrome? What I’ve been doing exists? Geez, learn something every day. I totally suffer from this. I can’t imagine why anyone would compliment me *ever* because I feel like everything I do is completely unspecial.
You’re not alone. I’m with you. I feel successful only a few days a month at most, though lately it’s been less than that. I think the worst is getting praise right now because I know I totally don’t deserve it. I’ve been such a horrendous fuck up slacker. To get out of it? That’s tough. Sometimes forcing myself to be productive, however small (cleaning the kitchen, unpacking a few boxes) can start me back on the road to productivity and usefulness for a little while. Inevitably I fail at something (can be super small like not cleaning the kitchen *well*) and I’m back on the couch playing Bejeweled for hours.
I live in perpetual fear of failing or making myself look stupid, so frequently I don’t DO anything. Which in and of itself is a failure. But it’s the one I’ve learned to live with. My house is a hot mess. I have piles of things that need done and I shut it out because it’s too overwhelming and I suck at compartmentalizing. I don’t get enjoyment from finishing a segment of anything I want it all done and I want it done now. No one is as shiny as they look online, who would post all the bad shit that goes on behinds the lens of perfection… except you of course 🙂 Society and media give an unrealistic expectation of what you should have/be/feel/look like so being happy with being you seems unacceptable. I don’t keep track of how often I feel like I’ve got my shit together but it’s not that often. I snap at the hubs & daughter too much when something freaks my anxiety out and the issue is pressed and then I feel like a horrible person for taking it out on them. To help I’ve started therapy and meditation on a site called HeadSpace. Remembering that the blue sky is always there no matter what sort of clouds roll in helps me keep it together. Lurv you lady. We’re all broken differently. I wouldn’t be nearly as self aware without your honestly.
Honestly? I feel fucking awesome about three weeks out of every four in each month. However, those days and even those hours are not contiguous, and they are interspersed with periods of absolute, rock-bottom despair. Usually the awesome/despair corresponds to things like this:
*the people I know and love are awesome/I have no friends
*I am awesome at playing the trumpet/I suck at playing the trumpet (varies day by day, really)
*I have a job and even though it’s not in my field, I am making money and making my way toward my dreams/ Who am I kidding, I’m treading water, making no progress, and inexorably getting older as my dreams drift further away
I’m currently looking for a therapist to talk things over with. I find it’s helpful to remember that there’s no set way that things are supposed to be. They just are, for better or worse, and there are always some things I can change and some things I can’t.
I feel this way all the time, that anything I did successfully enough to earn compliments or praise was just a fluke and I don’t actually deserve the praise that comes with it. I feel like most days I waste all my time, and even if I get stuff done, it wasn’t enough stuff, that I should have been able to do more and that I have totally failed at being an adult. There is also a tremendous amount of worry that I have failed at being an example to my kid, and that I should have been and should be able to be a better example of what an adult should be, rather than be this broken mess of a human.
Are you looking at the right role models? Cos it sounds like the fake ones are getting your attention. Life is hard, PTA is so fucking overrated, trust me and getting your child/children into bed safely each night is an achievement in itself. We all know we shouldn’t compare and yet we can’t help but do just that. You is kind, you is smart, you is important, to quote The Help…..
I think you rock. The End.
You are lucky that you have 3-4 successful days a month. I can’t even remember the last time I felt successful. I guess the only time I feel like a success is when I see my daughter learning something or being polite, that MAYBE my goal i life is just to be a successful mother. But I have days where I lay in bed wishing I could be crafty, or be one of those amazing moms that always has it together. But honestly, I don’t think anyone does. Its all a lie, to look good on the outside. Everyone has something..everyone. It took me a long time to realize that. Life can suck, a lot. Don’t try to compare yourself to others, because you’re comparing yourself to what they want to project, not reality…so it makes you feel worse.
Everyone thinks I’m okay because I get up every day and I go to work, but that’s usually all I can accomplish. I don’t clean, I don’t cook, I don’t shop, I surf the internet most of the day at work. I only pay my bills when the cut-off notices come. Basically I only do what I absolutely have to do. But I’ll usually greet you with a smile and look like I’m all together. I think there are probably more people like me out there – we can fake it just enough to get by. I’m on an anti-depressant, and that helps, but I’d still rather be lying in bed hiding under the covers than sitting here at work feeling like I can’t get anything done.
Well, that was certainly cheerful. Sorry I don’t have more encouraging words.
You’re doing much better than me! I’m stilling waiting for the day I can lay down at night and think, “I kicked ass today.”
I’m pretty sure this is the way most people feel, but no one ever talks about it.
The shinier people’s lives are on the outside, the duller they tend to be on the inside. Fuck the shiny people. You are a mom and a writer, which are the two best things in the world (I know, becasue I am, too).
I am much more the mocking-inspirational-quotes type than the inspired-by-quotes type, so this is weird for me, but two quotes have genuinely helped me lately:
Comparison is the thief of joy.
And
Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to their highlight reel.
Translation: those Facebook and Pinterest lives are curated, they’re not REAL real.
OK – clearly this is a movement…. and we could sure rock a membership T-shirt, don’t ya think? ;D Yup. Me too. and Right On.
Ok, so I know this is ULTRA long, but I can’t find just an email to email you.
you’re freaking me out. About a year and a half ago, i wrote this post on a website I have since parked because I couldn’t deal with the pressure of writing fresh every day/week. I hope it helps (seriously though, its crowded in my head, how did you get in here?)
Meet my monkey, his name is Normal.
I have had an offensive, hairy monkey on my back the past couple of weeks. He happens to be what I call the “not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enoughs”. This particular primate has plagued me for as long as I can remember. Oh, I do manage to shake him off, often for long periods of time, but the little bastard is persistent and always manages to find his way back to me. He plagues me with self doubt and low self esteem and all around throws me right off the path I need to follow and I find myself stumbling and thrashing around in a nasty ditch of self-loathing and doubt.
What kind of things are bothering me? Well, pretty much everything is the short story. My house always feels dirty and disorganized, my parenting skills are never kind or gentle enough, my marriage is not perfect bliss of love and security, my finances are never as organized as they should be, I should blog more and better, I should have all that wood piled up and the wood pile covered, my garden should be trimmed and tilled and ready for the winter, my garden beds are a ratty mess, those xmas lights are not going to hang themselves, I still have a ton of boxes to unpack, I have only been on the treadmill twice in the past two weeks, my diet is a joke, my clothes don’t fit right, I need a haircut…..well, I am sure you get the idea. Pretty much a battle of this running dialogue of this little enemy sitting on my shoulder and whispering all my failings into my ear.
Now, before you say it, I KNOW that no one is perfect. Comparing yourself isn’t going to bring anything but unhappiness. Envy and jealousy is like taking a poisoned pill and expecting the other person to get sick. It is you that ends up with a twisted gut of anxiety and a whole lot of heartburn for the trouble. My brain knows without a doubt that these people that I am comparing myself to are not perfect. That perfectly organized person has a closet full of pizza boxes with fuzzy, crusty bits in the bottom that is just asking for mice….or that gorgeous girl that looks so coiffed and put together with the yoga bum that makes me want to have my first fist fight probably sobs into her glass of wine at night with her makeup slowly melting into a puddle. Oh yes, my HEAD knows that. And somewhere, my heart does to…but I feel like one of those toys of Dachshund’s that I had as a child. The kind with the wooden head and feet, the body of a slinky and the wooden bottom half at the end of the slinky? Except, my slinky has been abused and neglected and is all kinked and twisted. The head toddles along, but my heart bumps and jerks behind it, barely staying upright.
My head is saying “everything has a crack in it, that is how the light gets in” (oh Leonard, you could crumble to dust in my chubby little fingers, I still want you are my mental lovah…” but my heart says “you have more cracks than a boiled egg and all your insides are leaking out, you’re a hot mess!”.
My self-esteem is all covered in ape poop.
And then something happened. This week, a friend I had in high school lost his two week old son. I cannot fathom the heartbreak.
Now, I wish I could say that this snapped me out of my self-pity. I wish I was that mature. After all, how can I sit here and feel all depressed when I really have a good life and the health of my family? But my problem is not just self-pity. My problem is about personal growth, grappling with my demons and learning to deal with myself. It is about faith and learning and being present. It is just not that easy of an answer.
But.
At the same time, that nice, confident, intelligent and pretty part of me; the part that sometimes gets the upper hand and says to the world “f*** you, I’m awesome” is just strong enough to reach out bitch slap me across the head and tell me to get over myself. That part of me takes lessons from my very practical best friend who has literally had to slap me out of my funk a couple times.
No one is perfect. In fact, we are all messed up inside. The real key is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and SOMEDAY, I might just feel like I have it together. Or I may just grow up enough to stop caring and live my life.
Who knew that the answer to my problem was on that trucker’s mud flap? I wish you all K.O.K.O people. Just keep on keeping on.
I FINALLY just accepted that I have depression and started taking medication (AGAIN). I have to guess that during the work week, I’m happy to have one day when I feel like a productive member of my work community (I get stuff done on my work to do list, no one gets yelled at, no one gets fired, I don’t lose my cool, or drop the ball or ….). Usually the other four days are ones where I want to get back in bed and pretend I never woke up.
Weekends are different. I usually have one day (Sunday), where I am an absolute vegetable and sleep most of the day. Saturday is my “me” day and I spend time doing things I want to do: shopping, reading, crocheting, visiting my family, hiking, skeet shooting, or nothing.
I guess not including my “Me” day, I have about the same number of “good” days as you. I really wish there were more. I always get scared if I have two “good” days in a row, because god only knows that means Murphy is sneaking up on me and will pounce when I least expect it.
As to those perfect, pastel, PTA moms – they aren’t, and I know you know that. They are struggling too and if they say they aren’t, they are lying. They just care so much about what other people think about them that they waste precious time hiding the real them from the rest of the world.
You are so much better than them for sitting with Hailey and watching Little House on the Prairie re-runs. ((HUGS))
i think its pretty normal.
most days i feel like im faking life. im just going thru the motions trying to get from one day to the next. because fake it til ya make it right??
i have no idea what making it will consist of, i hope i know it when i see it.
there are days when it takes all of my willpower to actually function and fake a smile. there are days when its not enough to fake it and i end up a hot crying blubbering mess all day long. and i cant explain it to people. they just wont get it.
compliments from others? yea right. i dont take them well, and if i manage to outwardly accept it gracefully, inside im rolling my eyes calling them an insane mother fucker, because no way am i actually kicking ass at something.
when i have a day of clarity — maybe 5x a month — i realize that i am actually pretty kick ass and that i really do have a helluva lot going for me and that i should be proud of myself. but then, i wake up again the next day.
to try and feel better i try to spend QT with my kids. i try to get out and be social outside of my normal everyday people. when im able to do that, i feel better. when i stay in my house and in my regular daily routine, shit goes downhill fast.
life is overwhelming. i think its pretty normal that people feel they suck at it. i think its more rare that you find ones that believe they rock at it. especially if you are a mom. im not sure that ive ever met a mother that doesnt constantly question her ability to do anything right. that doesnt feel like they are simply existing from one day to the next, at least a majority of the time.
maybe im in the wrong crowd. maybe i just gravitate towards others like me. but, i really do think that the majority of people out there are faking it til they make it.
keep your head up. youre fantastic.
Nope, definitely not you. I feel like some days I’m proud that I emptied the dishwasher, and other days I just stare at the dishes in the sink and run away and hide from normal things people do every day. I usually read Ally Brosh’s post “This is Why I Will Never Be an Adult” because it cheers me up. Keep on swimming, you should be very proud of all your work!
It’s funny, I’m actually going through a particularly bad period of this right now. I don’t know what I should be doing and everything I’m doing seems wrong, but everything I want to do, I just don’t seem to have time for. Maybe it’s something about fall?
Having these exact troubles. It is physically painful somedays to feel so “behind” even though my 2 year old knows his ABC’s, shapes, can count to 15 and I work very hard every single day at my horribly depressing job. Yesterday, in fact, my whole brain felt like it was trying to escape my skull because I was so tense from feeling like constant failure. Everyone else seems to have great hair & a gym membership and I keep drying out my contacts with my constant tears. I am medicated for my anxiety but I am on the fence about anti-depressants after some bad past experiences.
People don’t talk about it so I feel very alone with this. Thank you for saying something. It has genuinely changed my current mood. All I know to do is hang in there and try and wait for the moments without crippling self doubt and hope that, eventually, the good stuff will start to outweigh the bad again. I think the fact that we haven’t fully given up and gone waaayyyy too far into what I call the “grey zone” means there’s hope.
Jenny, I am only successful in my mind 1 day a month. Sometimes less. One thing my cancer, depression, and soul crushing anxiety has taught me…is if you wake up, you are ahead of the game. You are successful. You woke up. So many others do not. I look in the mirror and remind myself of that everyday. I woke up today so I am successful in surviving my mental and physical issues today.
@pariahsickkid71
FYI, most people who put on the best displays of having it all together are actually floundering the worst, but keep it hidden better than some.
Most of us (all of us?) feel…disjointed. Disconnected. Floating. I would seriously run away if it didn’t mean I would never see any of my loved ones again. I just need… something. But it’s not tangible, so what is it? Constant fulfillment?
Blech. I had my shit together today at 10:30 am. I was so proud, I had to document it on Facebook.
And then I spent the rest of the day wish I could go to sleep.
Imposter syndrome- this one is a biggie. Somehow, after achieving something brilliant, and people come up to congratulate , I feel weird. Personally I think, every time I do something remarkable- that it was a fluke and just blind luck. This used to bug me a lot in the beginning. But gradually the “just-got-lucky” things began to come often, so I have convinced myself that I’m spontaneous and I can do my work with conviction. I do have my grey moments still, but I feel much better, after coming in terms with this.
Brilliant article by the way @TheBloggess 😀 !
You are not alone. Personally, I relate to you on so many levels. Each day I check your blog because you have an uncanny ability to speak the truth. I am thankful for you and your thoughts. You have helped me realize I am not abnormal. I want to thank you for that.
First, I hear ya. Really.
Second, what I’ve discovered in life is that I have YET to meet a shiny happy got-it-together person. Even the ones that appear that way at the PTA meetings? No, they don’t have it together either. Honestly, after becoming friends with my sons favorite teacher and thinking she had the got-it-together life, nope. She may appear it, but she also has dysfunction in her life too. Does that make me happy? No, but it sure makes me realize there is not one human on this earth that has a got-it-together life and that makes me feel less alone.
You aren’t alone! Lots of love to you!
You are not alone at all. I am rhe same way. I only feel like I am useful a couple days a month. I think we are by nature like that. It massively sucks. But as you know all too well… Depression is an asshole and a liar. And needs to be beaten to a nloody pulp and then slapped with a class action lawsuit attached to a large trout.
Here’s my pitiful take on the matter….
Years ago I read that incompetent people thought they were awesome at their jobs because they lack the self awareness to see otherwise. People who are competent often feel like they are not doing well at their jobs.
I think this translates to our entire lives pretty well. How often do we lay in lay in bed thinking “I should have done …” “I screwed up because this wasn’t right..,”Everyone else does life way beter than me”.
I think that things torment you because you are a thoughtful, well rounded, intelligent person. And there are probably way more people than you think questioning and criticizing every aspect of their lives.
Hang in there. When I can’t sleep because of the swirling thoughts in my head I’ll send warm thoughts your way. You’re not alone.
Nancy
5 days a month tops. I take meds for mild anxiety and depression, but there is just too much everyday at the end of the day that remains undone. So yeah I leave clean cloths in a pile for a couple weeks; I leave the dishes for my husband, and I don’t clean the bathroom until we have guests coming over. I get my work work done more or less on schedule, I make sure we eat a decent dinner and I go to bed knowing everything will still be there tomorrow and MAYBE I’ll get a couple things more done, but probably not.
5 days I feel like I have life by the balls. The rest of the time its treading water.
My answer is that I chant a Buddhist chant, nam myoho renge kyo. I sometimes don’t chant much, sometimes a lot, depending on how much I feel like I suck at the moment and if I remember the last time I really sat down and chanted and how it made me feel more optimistic and how somehow things got better. I like to think of myself as a cynic. I like to think I’m a rational, reasonable person.
Somehow, faith is what gets me over the horrible-mes.
It is definitely not just you. Depression and anxiety and all the others tend to do that. And I think so many of us bottle it up and keep quiet because there are way too many people out there who really just don’t get it, and will tell you to “just snap out of it.” “Oh it’s really not that bad!” etc etc.
I could be in a really good place mentally, and yet I still have never been able to shake the absolute certainly I feel that everyone around me hates me, and doesn’t want me spending time with them ever, and they only do it out of pity, or just to humour me. I’ve given up trying to explain that to other people.
….a suggestion for letting it out maybe? I have found that my crossbow and the local shooting range work way better than all the shrinks I’ve ever been to. 😉
I have days where I do not want to move from my spot on the coach and I want old episodes of any show that won’t stress me out. All it takes is for my anxiety to kick in and the sky is falling and the apocalypse is near. Then, I have days where I say “Oh, Hell to the Fucking Yeah” I made it bitches. I have a career, an awesome fiancee and people who love me. This is a monthly, if not weekly cycle sometimes.
Like Sarah said above, it’s usually by hours for me, not days. On a really good day, I get laundry and supper, and dishes done, and maybe vacuum, but those days are rare. Most of the time I’m happy to get one major chore taken care of per day. I still manage to be a mostly happy person, but that’s just my own personality.
You, Jenny? You’re doing better than you think you are. Just keep being yourself.
You are so NOT alone. I also suffer from depression & anxiety & have spent the past few weeks (at the end of my recovery from surgery) unable most days to get out of bed. Today has been a bad day & I keep saying in my head “depression lies” which is something that you taught me to realize. Knowing I am not alone sometimes makes things easier. Thank you for being honest with us- its the reason we feel so connected to you.
Not alone. I have a Masters in Clinical, so I shouldn’t be feeling this way at all because my JOB is to fix people like me. But almost every day, I feel like someone is going to point and tell everyone that I absolutely am as lost as everyone else. I don’t remember the last day I felt good about myself. So, yeah. Even therapists are fucked up.
If it wasn’t for you, I would never admit this, but I have 1 or two good days a month. Anxiety and depression are lying liars that lie.
I’ve got all my shit together exactly 0% of the time, but I think you probably already know that. I mean, yeah, I might make a loaf or two of bread, but that’s only because I like to eat homemade bread. At the same time I’m doing this I’m pretending that the little girls room doesn’t look like an earthquake zone and that the toilet paper that Ellie shredded all over the kids bathroom last night didn’t happen. Basically, you aren’t as greedy as I am. See, I only get shit done that someone positively affects me. That pile of mail over there? I’m only diving into that if I think that the Netflix DVD is in it. The only reason my hair looks even half way decent is that I got the good genetics there and don’t have to do crap to it. You got the good nails and height, so we’re even. Also, you’re the best person at being absolutely ridiculous I know. Congratulations weirdo.
You are a perfectly normal, highly intelligent, human being. High intelligence is often linked to depression and anxiety disorders… and highly intelligent people are the ones self-reflective enough to develop Imposter’s Syndrome. If a highly intelligent person does not have some amount of neurosis in this regard, s/he is likely a sociopath… so you have that going for you 😉
Jenny, I’m ivy league educated, own a successful and award-winning business, have 2 darling children and a loving spouse. I’m not depressed, but I have all of those same feelings. I feel like I’m kicking ass maybe 3-5 days per month, and the rest of the time I feel like I’m just getting by or sucking. My strategy is to ignore myself, to attempt to stop judging myself against others, and to try to focus on the good things. Hell, I’m probably one of the people who you would look at and think I have it all together, but I’m just here trying not to suck just like everyone else. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. We’re all frauds. Group hug people.
Oh, let’s see… you have a husband who not only puts up with you, but loves you. I have no one. You have a beautiful, healthy, bright daughter, and I don’t recall you ever “admitting” to “guilt” or fear of your own mental issues even tainting the shadow of your child’s smile. I can’t have kids. You actually managed to write one book, and you are to able to maintain a blog with acceptable coherence of form and content. My brain hits dark grey walls after six sentences (on a good day) (and I cry when I see proof of what I used to accomplish). You say you have 3 to 4 good days in a month.
I can’t remember a single day in the past 15 years. Many many days, my single achievement is not going back to bed after breakfast.
Yes, please attempt a change at how you see success, and how you see your day. And no, it’s not just you. xoxoxoxo
You are so normal it hurts. I am a mom, too. I am a shitty housekeeper. I hate cleaning out the litter box (my youngest child is 6 and I still use the excuse of being pregnant once upon a time in order to make my husband do it), doing dishes, or paying bills. I lost my job (best music teacher ever) which totally threw my life off course. BUT, you know what? Sometimes I vacuum and do the dishes in one day. I feel like I was successful. My kids were clean, fed and had lunches today! Check, success. I totally feel your feelings, too, and I want to tell you that I think it’s normal. At parents functions, we see people at their best. I am sure they are hoarders or only eat fast food or have some other secret they are not proud of. Nobody’s as perfect as they pretend to be. there are just not a lot of people that are as honest as you are. truth. Love you and love your posts. you are doing amazing.
I have this problem – I think it’s actually UNIVERSAL – but I don’t have it as bad as you have it. Universal problems all live on a sliding scale, you see.
I can’t go by days per month…I go by a week in general, or the last three months, or whatever. Because a DAY is not a success or failure (usually). A day is too small a thing to be a success or failure, and also too big a thing. Yesterday I did the dishes, and that was a success. I lost my temper, and that was a failure. Which one wins? Fuck that.
General success? I find myself readjusting my idea of success just as often as I adjust my behavior. My house isn’t at all clean. Fine, I just think of my coolest friends, who also keep houses with tons of dust and old artwork in the corners and tables full of miscellaneous crap, like me. I also make sure I keep my dining room table MOSTLY clear…that makes me feel like a success. See? Clean house is bullshit, clean table is awesome.
What makes me feel the worst? Failing the people in my life: arguments, lost temper, neglecting the kids or hubby too much (especially for something stupid). And sometimes, failing myself. Like you, I have a thousand-thousand projects that are half started, half off the ground, or just half formed. Let most of them go. (If they love you, they’ll come back, right?)
My thing these days is rebalancing. I’m juggling a lot – family and kids, career, projects, personal ambitions, and on and on. I can’t take care of everything, or raise my kids exactly right. BUT I can let most of the house go, and more or less get everyone to help keep us in clean dishes and clothes, and no rotten food on the counters. I can keep the pets alive and pretty happy. I’ll go a long time neglecting something, start to feel bad about it, and take it as a signal that I should start devoting more time to that thing.
To sum up: I probably feel better about myself more often than you do about yourself – you do have depression issues, and that absolutely affects you. But we’re in the same boat, and most of getting back to shore involves readjusting how we think, shoring up the good parts (especially with supportive people), and accepting that life is fucking messy.
I feel the same. I think those 3-4 days are hormonal. Track it. I bet they are just after your period ends. It’s like that for me anyway. The rest of the time I’m constantly judging myself. I think that when we have so much access to a filtered version of other people’s lives (I.e. Facebook, blogs, tv etc.) we miss out on the reality of everyday lives. It is so painful. I try so hard to remind myself that what I see of others is only 1/4 of the story. We don’t see their messy lives. Hang in there. You are awesome.
My goal is to suck 20% less than I did the previous month. So…if you feel good 3 to 4 days a month, shoot for 5. That’s all you gotta do…..you’re not alone…the rest of us struggle with it as well. Meds work too…..
I go home nearly everyday with the feeling I could have done so much more. I also end nearly every weekend thinking why didn’t I do … I’d say my “Woohoo! I was productive today” moments happen about 2-3 days a month. Compliments about how hard I work are hard to accept, because I know how much time I spend doing little to nothing. Learning not to let the (alleged) shiny perfect life of others is difficult.
I told someone the other day “judging yourself negatively is easier than with positivity, but you’re worth the extra effort”. It’s a struggle for everyone, me included.
Totally understand. I am behind, too. But I think I’ll email it anyway. I have a story to tell but it’s not cool to post on a blog like this. If you see it great, if not, then maybe it will help when you do see it, eventually. 🙂
Short answer, though, it’s not just you. At all. We’re all messed up.
Happy shiny people on Pinterest are fucking liars: http://www.pinterestfail.com/
There are plenty of days when getting out of bed is a huge challenge (mentally, physically, and emotionally). I WANT to be a productive person – the kind who is successful at work, has a clean house, cooks great meals, and has energy to do the things I want to do. That’s not usually who I am, though. Some of it is the anxiety, some depression, some personality and laziness, and some fear of failure (which begets fear of trying). You are a success everyday to the people who love you and rely on you- your husband, daughters, friends and fans love you. for being you. Your accomplishments are many, and you are an inspiration. And me? Well, today the anxiety was too great to drive into work, but I’m working from home and doing the best I can. It’s a challenging day, but I’m incredibly thankful for it.
Hey Bloggess,
I feel that way a lot. Only I don’t have kids or a career. I help out with homeschooling my husband’s girlfriend’s kids (we’re polyamorus) but other then that I haven’t done a whole lot either and have days, like today actually, where doing anything feels huge and difficult. There’s even a game night that I might go to, that I”m already having an anxiety attack over. Why? I don’t know! I kind of want to go but I”m scared. I took up knitting recently simply because I feel better about myself when I knit.
This probably made no sense and I”m sorry. It’s been a werid week for me.
You are totally not alone. I feel this way most days myself. I think Pinterest and other forms of social media are what people are aspiring their lives to be. But it isn’t real. Its all an illusion.
Ok here’s what I think reading that and I’m being straight up honest with because you have brought so much laughter and sparkle to my life with your blog, I feel that I owe you the honesty you are asking for.
While I don’t spend every day feeling like I accomplished something at the end of the day I also don’t have an abundance of days where I feel like I failed. BUT there are usually 5-7 days a month where I feel like a total abject failure, where I do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING with my day (in my opinion) and go to bed thinking that I am a huge loser, a complete lazy ass and completely disgusting. I hate, loathe and despise those days. But they will continue to happen and I will continue to hate them. Prior to my divorce, I was lucky if I had 3 days a month when I felt happy and accomplished. I think it is perfectly ok that you feel this way, but I also think it might be worth exploring whether a different med or more of something might help, because really the world shouldn’t only be good a few days a month. The other thing that helps me when I get that way is to set a very small goal for myself each day, like go for a 10 minute walk or I will do one load of laundry or I will clean out one drawer in my dresser or I will be more present for my loved ones today, any little thing that you can make yourself do so that at the end of the day you can say to your inner demons “yeah, but I accomplished THIS so screw you”.
And btw, I know it’s said all the time, but those shiny haired perfect seeming people? They have days like this too and theirs are probably even worse bc they most likely don’t have your sense of humor, your passion and your wonderful husband and daughter to fall back on. Hang in there, Jenny. I hope you can up the good day number by at least a couple.
HI Jenny,
I am with you on the picnics! It depends on the month, but I often feel like I have not accomplished anything on many day of the month (I would say 10 out of 30) , and that everyone else is pretty and shiny and has their shit together, and has managed to have kids (I forgot to have them until it was too late) and has meaningful jobs, and here I am with a Ph.D. and the best job I could find when I graduated was one that paid 6.50 an hour. ( I have since become a secretary and make more thank goodness, but now there is the shame of letting “everyone” down). I lose my keys, I run out of gas and have to be rescued, I occasionally set the kitchen on fire. And I can’t spell to save my life, which is ironic since my job is to send email. So in my book, you are pretty normal, except that you are brilliant and wonderful and loving. (Oops. we were not supposed to say that). But you are, and even the post you wrote today is so helpful. I hope it was cathartic for you and that you got some good responses.
-Meg
I would say I very rarely ever feel successful at anything. I have a great job, two degrees, a loving boyfriend, and good friends and family. But on my very worst days, I just know that no one would care if I died. Not like, I’m suicidal, but if I was in a car accident and died, it wouldn’t matter to anyone. On my normal days, I just think I’m worthless. I look like a slob. I show up to work with my hair in a bun that’s still wet from my shower, in slacks and a decent looking shirt, but I know I just look terrible and everyone is judging me. My brain tells me that with everything I do, with every event I oversee in my job, there will be a problem and everyone will blame me for it, and I’ll get fired or, worse, judged as an idiot and terrible at my job. Yesterday was an especially bad day. I wanted to crawl under my desk and cry, or throw everything in my office against the wall until it was all broken.
I don’t say any of this out loud to the people I know because I’m not fishing for compliments. I’m not looking for someone to say “but you’re great! You’re the first woman in your family to graduate college and you have a graduate degree.” That’s not what I want. I want to feel like I’m good and I’m doing something to make this world better. I just don’t know how to feel that way. And that makes me feel even worse. Ugh, vicious circle.
Yeah – I do fancy-schmancy things like cut sandwiches into shapes for my kid and make quirky valentines cards for my kid to take to school, but I have to force myself to mop once a month, at least once a weekend I nap while my son is watching TV (he is 6 – we are in the same room) and I go out with friends sans child maybe twice a year. I am not posting pictures of my dirty floor, me napping or me not going out on facebook. I seriously consider things in this way “Is this what you want to be doing or what you think you should be doing or what you think other people do?” before I make some decisions.
Yeah, I feel truly successful about 5 or 6 days a month. You’ve got the right tactic in choosing to spend real quality time with your kid. Oftentimes that is enough for me to consider that day a check mark.
You’re not alone. This week we had a massive crisis that required a last-minute change of schools for my potentially-ASD sensory-processing-issue change-averse child and I spent most of Monday evening weeping in bed and positive that I was the worst mother/person ever and that I was going to break my child.
I feel that way a lot, not just about mothering but about life. I mean, I’ve got two master’s degrees (and the loans to go with them, hurray) and we can’t afford to buy a house, can’t afford to buy a car, and my job still requires that I be a receptionist for a third of every work day. I sit there stamping dates on things and thinking “where the hell did my life choices go so very, very wrong? I was supposed to be the GOLDEN CHILD!”
I have depression too, am on meds that help a lot, but deep-down, I never feel successful. Maybe that’s it. I never feel as if I kick ass, ever. I feel much more competent than I once did, although I will never be a PTA star, but I never feel like I really, really nailed that difficult thing and WHOA LOOK AT ME GO, BABY!
So it’s not just you and I love you for the fact that you’re so willing to say that you feel that way too.
OK, so I’m a pretty weird person but I don’t, as far as I know, have any mental illness. But I do have some experience with it through my dysthymic and anxiety-ridden husband. There’s my disclaimer.
I would say at least 7-14 days a month I feel, at least part of the time, like I am failing at being a grown-up. My hair doesn’t behave, the toilet clogs, I trip on my pants, I feel like my outfit is all wrong — and that’s the little stuff. We’ve been through unemployment for both of us, cars breaking down, family and personal crises, etc., etc. If I get into the trap of comparing myself to my friends I see them having babies (when I don’t feel like I should ever be permanently responsible for a tiny human), I see them with more degrees than me, more professional accomplishments, more community activities…
So no, it’s not just you. Honestly one of the things I have to keep in mind is that NOBODY has it all together. Nobody has it all figured out. Anyone who says they do is lying to someone. Even the most put-together-looking lives have skeletons in their closet and no good, horrible, very bad days. I remind myself that I am smart, that I’ve been praised at work, that people love me for all my messiness and that it’s OK to fall behind or even fail sometimes.
But I do think your depression and anxiety make this stuff worse for you. They lie to you and make you feel like your book doesn’t mean anything, like you don’t measure up to being a good mom or wife or human being, etc., etc. … it’s just not true. Sometimes, getting out of bed and facing the world and going to a parent-teacher conference at ALL is an accomplishment.
Sorry for the tl;dr … it’s not just you, but you are truly an awesome human being. Just being your honest, funny, raw self is succeeding at humanity.
I do not have anxiety or depression and i still feel like most days, all I did was tread water. Up-Work-Home-Cook-Clean-TV-Bed. Really? is that all there is?
So, yeah. I am totally with you and you are totally normal. Maybe 3-5 days a month I feel as if I have really accomplished something.
And I know it isn’t what you are looking for, but your daily posts are a HUGE accomplishment. Each day you post, you bring smiles to literally thousands of people. You make a difference. You make people happy. That should count as a kick-ass successful day.
I’m not sure if this is “normal”, but you are pretty much describing my life. Calling your day a success because you made it to the bank? How about a success if you made it into real pants rather than sweat pants. Strangely enough, a cousin once asked me if I was one of those stay at home mom’s who always had makeup on and the house clean and something baking in the oven….umm say what again? I’m lucky if I shower. To some extent, we all feel as though we are not good enough, doing enough, sucessful enough. And depression and anxiety definitely make that worse and mess with your mind. I don’t know that I have any advice to give you, but just know that you are not alone!!
This is me, everyday.
I am actually proud of myself most days that I simply exist because laying in bed, and being numb, and staring at the wall I said I’d paint 6 months ago is better than pretending some days.
The days I do make it out of my covers, and into a shower (if it’s a real good day) and to work on time (Whatever time that is) I count these as accomplishments.
But as for feeling successful? I haven’t felt that in years.
Jenny, sorry dollface but you are not that special. We ALL feel like that sometimes. sometimes all the time. I can’t make up my mind on what to do next, I love my blog but making it into a book scares the crap out of me. I get all “I’m not good enough” “Sally Field enough” “can’t make a decision enough-I’m a Libra” and who will read me enough all the time.
I think it’s called being HUMAN. I totally trust all the things you say but you are seeking attention with a post like that and reassurance, which is not a bad thing. You are famous now, at what point in your life, you wanted it. NOW, pussycat you have to deal with it. Your second book will be good, bad or fabulous. It doesn’t really matter that much. It will not change the world or cure hunger or solve the problems in the Middle East. Yes, it seems like do or die NOW, but it really isn’t.
I probably take all the same medications but mostly I think you know what’s going on deep within, maybe you just don’t want to deal with it. It’s a friggin anxious and intimidating world out there. Believe me, I could be President or Vice P. of the Anxiety Club. I try to work on it but if i focus too much, I get anxious about that!
As my grown up children would say “Just chillaxe.” Wait till your almost 57 and you don’t have a little Hailey home with you. You’ll feel worse then, like I do. Guess what? We can’t do a damn thing about it. Love, your friend, Laurie F.
I think it is normal (yes, normal) to question and doubt yourself. To feel isolated. To think that everyone else has it all figured out or is doing it better, or is actually as shiny/perfect/pastel as they appear to you. Normal.
I get a lot of stuff done in a day, but I always feel like it is the wrong stuff. I look at my friends, my facebook connections, the web, and feel that clearly I am doing something wrong. What is hard, is realizing (occasionally) that others might look at my life the same way.
I feel that if you ask for help when you need help (which you do – and I don’t), if you try to come at life with love (even the stabby kind), and if you get done what you can do and let the rest go, then you are doing as much as anyone can.
For my part, I work, but know I could be doing more. I spend time with my kids, while wondering if I should have stayed home to be there when they come home from school. I love my spouse, even though I sometimes wonder if he loves me back. I try to forgive myself and just move forward.
Life is in the moving forward.
I have no words of advice, or wisfom I can offer. This post resonates with my doul. I am where you are at, but worse. So messed up over a stupid man that I can no longer function. But before it ended I was feeling like you. Nothing I did was worthy…I was just a human being working, paying bills but not really barely existing. My parents are raising my child, I’m on a leave of absence from work and can’t even go back unless I quit drinking. And at this point I’m ready to throw in the towel. I try to write, I think there’s a book inside of me, but I can’t get the words out of my head and on to paper.
You my dear, have that amazing gift and you have cheered me up on my worst days, as I’m sure you have many others. And that my dear is something!!
It’s not just you. I have anxiety disorder and I spend a good part of my night going over all the things I didn’t do right in any given day. So much fun, let me tell you. Then again, it seems that you already know just how fun it’s not. The thing is, I don’t think many adults lay in bed and think “gee, I accomplished everything I ever thought I would by this age when I was a kid!” We’re all screwed up in some way. We’re all awesome in others. I tend to focus more on my screw-ups, but that’s the life of anxiety disorder.
I’m probably one of those people that other people see and think are shiny and successful and put together. But I assure you that there are cracks, and there is dirt, and there are days when my biggest success is just making it through. I don’t think that any of us truly “have it together”; we’re just doing the best that we can.
I saw this quote by Steven Furtick on Pinterest (I know — shut up) — “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” I truly believe that. We don’t see anyone else’s “behind-the-scenes”, because they carefully cull it and choose what is presentable to others — their “highlight reel”. But on the cutting room floor, everyone’s hiding something — something that makes them look a little less “shiny”.
I know you aren’t looking for reassurance, but I will tell you that yours is the only blog I have ever followed, I got twitter largely to be able to follow you somewhere else, and you inspired me to obtain a giant metal chicken (Robert Downey, III — remember?), which my husband HATES, to display in our yard. You’re doing something right, Jenny — and probably more than one thing.
Sounds about right–no days a month when depression is bad. I am getting a bit better, trying to believe that people who like me know something and that there’s something good there.
So you say you’ve started a million projects but never finished them? Better than having a million ideas and not acted on any of them.
Also: you do great stuff every day, even if you do nothing at all. I just finished your first book yesterday, and it has done wonders for my anxiety. I don’t feel so frustrated at myself for being better at expressing myself through written/typed words than through ‘normal’ conversation.
I have not showered yet today. Really need groceries but can’t visualize all the steps required to go get them. House is a pit, yard needs mowing. Maybe 1 day a month I feel useful, and that would be in a good month. Going back to reading Joe Hill’s NOS4A2 – real life not treating me so good right now.
Honestly I think we all feel the way you are feeling. No matter how successful one might be. I think we all struggle with if we are giving enough or being enough. Even those perfect Pinterest moms with their pretty pastel lives. I think we all wake up each day and we do the best we can to make it through. If you live your family and actually care about others I think your humanity is in tact and that seems to be doing better than some.
Sometimes I feel like a bad mom. Because it is hard to get off the couch and DO anything. But then when I see my kids and see how awesome they are I realize I must be doing okay.
I hear ya, I get it. I am you. Well, not really, but I could have written this post because its almost like you are peeking in my kitchen window. I think feeling this way is normal to some degree. (Or at least that is what I am telling myself. ) However, the best idea I can come up with is that we need to quit buying into the Pinterest glam that has set the expectation of motherhood so fucking high its in next stratosphere.
I keep telling myself that my family is loved, we live above the poverty level, and getting everyone to school on time IS a success. Hang in there.
I lost my job four months ago. Some days getting to the bank would be a massive win. Today, I actually feel like I can do things but because I missed one thing off my to do list I’ve failed. The kids are all clean & fed but almost constantly I want to go back to bed & ask someone else to make it all go away.
Days I don’t feel lie a failure? Maybe five a month.
I feel like I’m treading water most days, too. I *think* it’s the depression, but maybe I just suck? I’m never sure.
I have moments/hours/days where I’m wrapped up in a wonderful feeling of kicking some serious ass at life, but then something pokes me (let’s be fair here, it’s usually my own damn self) and POP goes my happy balloon.
Do I need to work harder, or do I need to readjust my goals and stop comparing myself to others? Likely both. But both are hard.
Girls, I rarely post, but I’m going to weigh in on this. I remember feeling this way a lot in my younger years. Now that I’m old and have been spayed, I’m on testosterone hormones and I Feel Great. I mean, I worry frantically about grandbabies, but no self doubt (no time???). You know how men just don’t seem to give a shit??? It’s the fuckin’ testosterone. GET SOME. I’m telling you, it’s great stuff. Just don’t dare sweat, or you’ll smell like a goat. The other upside is you will form muscle tone in 15 minutes. Just astounding. It is medicine’s best kept secret.
I have a friend who swears men would still be living in caves without women. Maybe that’s how it works–estrogen makes us frantically working harder 26 days a month. Maybe it’s nature’s way to offset male laziness. Who knows. Try it.
Not cool to post on a blog at all, because it’s not about me. Well, it is, but about others too. Sigh. See I fail at this.
You are not alone. I suffer from anxiety, depression and chronic migraines. I feel like I merely exist and not live almost every single day. There are very few days where I feel like I lived and they are precious.
It took my husband leaving me to make me realize how numb I’d become. Honestly, it was the best thing that ever happened to me because it forced me to start taking responsibility for my own happiness, but I don’t recommend that route to anyone. 🙂
I don’t really have a number of days/month that I can list, but I know how you feel. I feel unsuccessful more often than not, probably only about a week every month, and I used to always feel like a failure. Now that I’ve been on prozac for a while and I have a boyfriend who is amazing and supportive and loving and encouraging, I’m doing better at it.
You say “I just don’t want to feel like a failure because my biggest accomplishment that day was going to the bank.”
To feel more successful, I remind myself that IT IS OKAY to feel good about the stupid little things that everyone else doesn’t think twice about, like remembering to brush my teeth, or washing my dishes instead of leaving them in the sink, or eating food that isn’t potato chips for dinner (failed at that one last night though).
So guess what, Jenny? You went to the bank! I brushed my teeth this morning! We did not fail.
I feel the worst when I don’t meet a goal I set for myself. I’m still not sure how to deal with this, because just not having goals to avoid disappointment isn’t really a good option.
I think it’s very normal to see others in that pretty, pastel light of perfection. It’s also normal to see all of your perceived faults and shortcomings. I get down on myself a lot. I have depression and fibromyalgia (and they’re still deciding if I have RA or not). I was, I guess you could say, an athlete before ‘getting sick’. I had just gotten my blackbelt, gotten married, and started my career. Now I’m stalled. I’m stalled due to my health. I’m stalled due to my lack of confidence, whatever. After being involved in martial arts for twenty years or so, I have earned my 3rd degree blackbelt and have been running my own classes for years. I should have tested a year ago for my master’s ranking but due to an unexpected injury (resulting in facial stitches from a knife fight), i couldn’t test. Then I’ve been in a downward spiral health wise since. Two of my classmates that had caught up to me over the years, have both passed me. I am happy for them, they are like my brothers, but i am still very bitter about it. My brain will literally trash 20 years of success just because the last year I’ve been treading water. Never mind that I run 3 – 4 classes a week, do all of the paperwork for the dojo, coordinate events, run the facebook page, etc while the other two split teaching one class a week and that’s it. I still can’t see myself as being successful. So even if it isn’t normal to feel like that, at least you’re in good company?
No, you’re definitely not alone. I feel like a total fraud most of the time. I feel like other people are judging me because I don’t do all these Pinterest-worthy things that other people do. The competition to be super mom is exhausting and it’s also total bullshit. I don’t think ANYONE really has it all together. There’s something that they can’t do or don’t have time to do or something. No one is perfect. You’re just seeing the polished version they present to the world. I keep telling myself that. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it helps.
You are not alone. Can I scream that from the mountain top or do I need to yodel in your ear? you are not alone.
All those ‘pretty people’, they are struggling too, in some fashion some way they struggle. their struggle is just different than yours and it’s hard to see because we are standing in our struggle.
when you have time check out Brene Brown. Her stuff has helped me forgive myself and stop me-shaming (well, mostly stop, me-shaming is kinda addicting). Who knows, you may get something out of it. I did.
How often do you make a thing? I feel the same way as you constantly from doing a job at a desk whet nothing ever seems too end or finish and the cure is going into the garage, standing in front of my lathe and making a bowl or a pen or just turning a piece of wood into shavings. Doing something physical and exhausting even if the result is something tossed in the trash. At the end of it I’m sweaty and covered in saw dust and completely relaxed.
It’s not just you. I feel successful on average about 4-5 days a month, and success over the past three months has been getting out of bed and going to work, and I don’t always get it done. My hormonal balances are being tinkered with by doctors, I have been handed a prescription for xanax for the days I think that everything is imploding around me, or the other days I can’t stop crying, and can’t identify why I’m crying, and sometimes the best think I do is make sure all the dogs are fed twice a day.
One of the things that keeps me going is knowing you know what I’m going through.
Depression lies, and today I am tearing up while I type this and I am furiously happy. Today is a successful day.
Kisses,
Krisi
I have nothing to add that could possibly help, but this is my favorite part of this post: “I’m just struggling with being human and I could use some pointers. My guess is that a lot of us could.” Because, yes. Just yes.
That and I second what Stace said. I heart the ever lovin’ fuck out of you too. Your posts are always the highlight of my news feed. You make me laugh, you keep it real, and you inspire me to keep writing and trying to follow a dream. So even if YOU don’t feel like you’re kicking ass every day, your readers do. I know that’s not going to change anything going on with you, but life is hard and maybe you can find a little solace in knowing that you make it more colorful, fun, and inspirational for others.
My successful days per month probably mimic yours. I feel that life is so overwhelming and I’m so bogged down with the tiniest of details that most of the time I don’t know which way is up. To be successful on a daily basis, I guess I would look at each day and say “Did I make it through?”. Well, If I’m still breathing and haven’t caused any destruction out in my little world, then yes, I suppose that counts as a success. But to “kick ass”? Uhm, no, I don’t have very many of those days.
What makes me feel the worst is when I’ve let someone down, or let myself down by forgetting a commitment or feeling like I didn’t live up to expectations. Any conflict during the day will definitely throw me into a tailspin and make me feel like I’ve totally failed (aka feeling the worst).
My most successful moments come when I do something for myself. Whether it’s going to a workshop, getting a massage, or spending time with a friend and engaging in a much needed one-on-one conversation (aka bitch session). Anything that provides a little stress relief will add a plus to my successful moments because it gives me time to regroup and get a little focused for all the tasks that still lie ahead. These “me” moments of “success” also help to make another days tasks feel more successful as well.
It’s a vicious cycle though. You just have to learn how to enjoy the ride. Well, enjoy is a little too optimistic. Tolerate the ride is more like it. Just take each curve, each hill and every dip in the road one day at a time. It could be worse, it could be better, but know that you’re absolutely not alone in what you’re feeling.
I would say I feel like I’m average most days. really good once a week and really sucky 2x a month. Reading lots of blogs by people who write about their average lives helps. Learning that I’m not the only person who has forgotten there was a meeting happening that I go to every month, or that I’m not the only person who has had to hand wash bras two days in a row because I. just. did. not. feel like doing laundry had been really good.
I’m lucky if I can get three days a month. Each day goes by and I think, “Yes, another one done. One closer to death”. I haven’t unpacked since my last move in May of last year! I get up, go to work, come home and go to bed until the next day. I have no motivation to do anything else. We are like this. And as long as you aren’t hurting other people then it seems ok to be like this. Some of us can’t get into their type of happiness and that’s ok. Just don’t be a burden to anyone.
Welcome to the human race. Wait until you hit 50 are recently divorced, empty nest, selling your dream house and starting all over. Not to be rude but we all feel this way. You are doing great. I’m one has actually compared myself against you. 🙂
You are not alone.
I’m everyone else that this is so not just you. Granted, i have depression and anxiety as well, but i don’t think that matters. Look a little closer at someone who never has dirty hair and you’ll see the white, flakey remnants of dry shampoo.
I’ve learned to celebrate the little things (like it’s the weekend, i have no plans today but i brushed my teethe anyway.. GO ME!!)
There will always be those who are more accomplished that i am, who are smarter than i am, who have their shit more together than i do, but you know what? Only i am me and that’s kinda awesome enough 🙂
Well, I am a PTA mom, because that’s what I feel like I have to do for my daughter. I go to every event and every meeting and fake my way through it, then go home and cry. I’ve lived in my current state for 2 years and now realize that any effort to fit in is futile. I never, ever will. I just hit major milestone and had no one to celebrate with. My goal is to make it through until my child leaves home. So no, you’re not the only one who sucks at being a person.
It’s not just you. You know why hyperbole and a half’s post This is Why I’ll Never Be an Adult became a meme? It’s because we all feel like that.
I work part-time, and I can hardly walk through my bedroom it is so messy. Dirty dishes? Fuck that, I have to watch Doctor Who. I’m a functional adult about once a week. I have stuff still packed in boxes from when I moved 6 years ago. I’ve moved 4 times since then, to 3 different states.
My sister works like 70 hours a week. She sleeps 3-4 hours a night and her house is such a disaster she’d have to take everything out and start again just to clean it properly.
This is life, it’s messy, and crazy, and sometimes makes us want to hide. Sometimes all you can do is hide for awhile. That’s OKAY.
There are days when I am proud I got my kids to school, when the dished get done after dinner, (I’m a stay at home mom) when I don’t shower and I brush my teeth because cavities scare me.
I forgot my 4yo’s only class assignment which was sending in a picture of the family. And most days Facebook is my only adult conversation.
But I am here, my kids are loved and fed and clothed. And it’s ok. Depression lies , you taught me that. And it lies to me every day. But I am still kicking and I am still me. And I love you
No, no, no, no, no. It’s not just you. That’s the thing. What you’ve described here is me as well, and I’m willing to bet, a lot of folks. To a “t”. We have a disorder, or a mental way of being that just switches into a certain mode that automatically makes everything look distorted. It doesn’t matter how well you might actually have done today. Your head is going to put the same spin on it to askew it to fit its needs. Depression lies. You taught me that. You don’t even know you did, but you did. You stepped me off the ledge a time or two, without ever having met me.
I’m going to throw this out there, could be totally off base, but might mean something as well:
When you were writing your first book, I’m willing to bet (I know, I sound like a gambler, but I’m not), there were mental things that blocked you as well. You hadn’t been a bestseller yet, but still, there were days where you probably felt like you had no business writing a book. Now, your second go round, and a much similar block is in place, put there by depression and anxiety. It’s just wearing a different colored dress! “I have no business doing this.” But you do. You did the first time, you do the second time.
That should invalidate the depression, and its lies right there. Even though the parameters are entirely different (first time author/Best Selling Fucking Awesome Author and Inspiration to Many), the depression has put up the same roadblock. There are days you know that you can do this ( I truly hope). You’ve done it, and were a smashing success. The depression just shines up the same old lies to try to stop you, even though you proved it wrong the first time.
Your depression and anxiety are always going to try to trip you. Just try to remember that yes, you have fallen down before. But you have also, always gotten back up and went on in search of a metal rooster, or a dress for a stuffed mouse. Your issues have never completely won, because you’re still here. You’re still inspiring so many folks. You’re still reaching out to the same folks when you need inspiration.
As long as you are still here, the depression and anxiety will never win. We’re glad you’re here, and I bet, when you allow yourself to feel it, you’re glad you are as well.
Much love,
Brian from Tampa.
Girl, you are not alone. I think that is a testament to the kind of world we live in today. Fast paced, trying to keep up with the Joneses, faking happiness. It’s all too common in our day and age. Just keep on living the best way you know how and quit comparing yourself to others. That is something that I struggle with, too. For some reason, it is easier to pick out and focus on our imperfections than it is to focus on the wonderful things about ourselves and the wonderful things about the world. Good luck.
I would say about 4 days a month. I haven’t be diagnosed with any mental or personality disorders, but I do experience anxiety over my lack of accomplishments. The one that scares me the most is I really have no idea how to be a good mom to my two-year old. However, one a more positive note, I don’t believe anyone is “supposed” to know how to be a good mom or human being. I think we are supposed to make mistakes(lots of them) and people who act like their lives are perfect have something even bigger to hide. I hope that you don’t get too discouraged. Good luck.
P.S. I fucking hate picnics, too. Why would I want to mix food with outdoors and unbearable heat? ( I live in Louisiana, which is absolutely one of the worst places for picnics.)
I’ll chime in with not only is it not just you, I have the exact same thoughts at least twice a week. More if I haven’t written for my blog in a while. By looking at my frequency of posting, you’ll realize I feel like a failure most days.
The truth is, I don’t know what I do to snap out of it. Sometimes it’s just completely organic. I wake up, I feel good, and I figure out that I have something to say. Other times I force myself to be a more productive writer, but those are rare. When I force it, I somehow feel worse.
I wish I had some magic advice, “Read this/take this/do this…and voila! Instant success and gratification!”. I don’t though.
I will say this: when I pop over here to read your latest, it sometimes inspires me. Sometimes you just make me laugh, but I am always entertained…no matter what.
So although you feel like a failure a lot of the time, try to make the most of the days where you feel like it’s all coming together. We all love you, no matter what. 🙂
You are not alone. This is totally normal, and you should stop beating yourself up about it. I have writer’s block – have had since last summer when we had a disaster in my family. I don’t know how or if I will ever shake it and begin to write again. Maybe some day, maybe not.
Something you can try… When you do have a totally kickass day, write it down. Start a journal of all of your good days, what happened, how it made you feel, and how it made a difference for others. And when you have a bad day, read your “kick ass day journal” to remind you there are good days behind you – and more importantly, more good days ahead of you.
You are not alone. I feel happy and successful a handful of days a month. The rest of the time, I feel like a failure. Like I have accomplished nothing, am accomplishing nothing, and will never accomplish anything. Looking at the realities of my life doesn’t seem to make me feel better. What does make me feel better? Running (any exercise really), playing my music too loud, being with my family and friends, and hearing that there are other people struggling with the same things I am. Thank you, as always, for sharing part of your life.
It sounds to me like you are a responsible adult. You aren’t alone at all. My personal feelings are as long as you are giving your best, you are succeeding.
First, all those shiny happy people living perfect pastel lives are frauds. Nobody — and I mean nobody — is as happy and perfect as their phonied up, Facebooked, Pinterested and Instagramified lives make them seem.
Second, I’m a writer and artist. I make art every day, and that’s what keeps me sane so I can do my 9-to-5 job that is, I am eternally grateful to say, far less soul-sucking than many jobs I have had in the past. I have a great marriage and a good life. I am lucky.
Third, I am also an overweight diabetic dipped in a dark shell of depression that keeps me wondering most days why the hell I even bother getting out of bed. I have about 4 or 5 awesome days a month, days when I manage to eat right, exercise, make art, do good work, be a good wife and friend and sister and aunt.
You are not alone in this, Jenny. And I’m so grateful for your candor and humor because it helps me to know that I’m not alone in this either.
Hey bb, hugs. Been here, done this.
The things you’d think would help (wearing pastel capris at a picnic with The Others) usually make it worse for me, because the overwhelming You Did it, Why are You Not Happy Now? makes me feel broken and like there is nothing to pin my hopes on for happiness.
If it helps any, the change of seasons seems to be what throws me (pitiful, since in California, this means like a two degree temperature change, awesome because when I finally figure it out, I’m all “mutherfucking seasonal bullshit!” and I at least can let go of the freefloating anxiety. Also, taking walks helps me.
PS: I would have totally counted being first commenter on my list of accomplishments, but there were already 8 by the time I got here. DAMNIT.
I think a lot of this can also stem from the pressure we feel as women. That want to be everything everyone needs all the time, and that feeling of worthlessness that comes when we inevitably don’t meet those standards. The kitchen’s clean, but the laundry’s not done. I made cupcakes, but they were a boxed mix. I take my kid to the library, but owe $60 in late fines. All of these add up to an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I got to the point that I had to stop following certain blogs because I’d joined them in hopes of becoming an organizing maven like the authors of the blogs were; instead, I ended up feeling even worse because I’d spend three hours organizing my linen closet, only to leave the (visible) rest of the house a mess. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but please, know that you aren’t alone, and that if you need to do some personal spring cleaning (i.e. getting rid of things in your life –like organizing blogs–that make you feel even worse), do it.
I fail at life constantly too.
I don’t move clothes, I can’t remember the last time I ironed my son’s uniform, or the last time I half-arsedly ran a hoover round the house. I never remember birthdays, or throw up the interest in dieting, cooking, being perfect, having my shit together. And I invariably have niggling anxiety gnawing away at me round the edges. Especially when I’m trying to sleep.
But the secret is: those folk with whom you’re comparing yourself, have the same worries. They fuck shit up. They compare their grass with someone else’s lawn. And frankly: grass is grass. Your grass, my grass, their grass.
None of us are actually that amazing, or put-together, or awesome, or perfect, or plastic-tv-show-fecking-Walton-Family.
But you’re not alone, and I think that’s half the battle.
UGH YES. I feel like I am a person who is good at being a person maybe once a month.
My two cents: Success and failure can be measured by the personal or the public. In public, success and failure is constructed top-down by people who have a lot of money and power. I used to think that my day to day success should be measured by those things, even comparing myself to close friends in this regard. It was distressing. But I have recently reconnected with my country roots, and gardening has become a big source of satisfaction for me. Gardening at its core is all about survival, day-to-day- ‘I grew a freakin’ tomato and now I can eat it!’ kind of joy. Feels pretty good. Measure success by the personal – even if you have a very public presence Bloggess.
Well I don’t count my productive days. I focus on the minutes or nano seconds that are productive. It’s easier that way. You rock as you are, God made you that way for a reason. Just like me you are probably saying WTF? But we are special in our own way. Bless our hearts! And yes I am from the south and I hear that a lot. Your book was seriously funny, I read parts of it out loud to my husband and he thought you were talking about me, except for the taxidermy stuff. So you are not alone. We are here beside you! Just a keystroke away.
Have you heard about Fakebooking? Everyone is fakebooking, all of the time. But it’s really hard to see through the cute family pictures, the PTA overachievers, the great haircuts, the Pinterest amazingness.
You are hyperaware of the people around you – welcome to being a highly intelligent introvert. It blows most days in my experience. For me, I feel successful 2-3 days/month. Some months are better, some worse. I find that the busier I am (with work, kids, whatever), the more I feel I’m acomplishing. When I’m busy though, I also feel overwhelmed by All The People, All The Time… and I burn out. It’s a shitty cycle. *shrug*
I appreciate the fact that you are so open about your struggles – most people spend their entire lives hiding it – and you inspire me. So. There’s that.
Please don’t be too hard on yourself, even though that can feel near-impossible most days – because you know the next day of feeling accomplished is just around the corner…
I have a family history of depression, but no (official) diagnosis for myself just yet. Diagnosis or not, I spend about half my time running myself into the ground trying to accomplish JUST ONE MORE THING because if i can, then maybe I won’t feel like I’ve wasted a day, or worse yet, maybe nobody else will look at me and think “slacker, loser.”
I’m getting better about napping, not insisting that every weekend is packed with activities, and sometimes even doing nothing except sitting on the couch and watching Law and Order reruns I’ve seen a dozen times before. I credit my friends who’ve applauded not what I accomplish each day, but who have applauded me for learning to rest when I need it, and to give myself down time.
Oh, and you made it to the bank? Damn, woman, I’ve been trying to get to the bank for a week.
I called my dad once and asked him if I had a birth defect or genetic anomaly that he and mom didn’t tell me about, because I just don’t seem to understand anything. Ever. To his credit, he was very gentle in his response (his answer was no), which is why I think he was lying. I’m learning to accept the fact that I’m just doing the best I can. Even when the best I can do is suck at life. That has to count for something.
You are not alone, sister. My mantra is to just keep it out of the ditch. I used to feel I kicked ass but life kicked in.
The one thing you must keep in mind……no matter how shiny and perfect the other parents seem, or how put together everyone else looks…..remember that they are human too. They have problems and issues just like the next guy. All you can do is your personal best each and every day. That is something you decide. At the end if the day, remind yourself you did your best. Your best won’t be 100% everyday either. Just make yourself happy. No need to compare yourself to others. It will get you absolutely nowhere.
Ok, so take 97% of what you said and you can apply it to my recent past. And a lot of days noadays now too.
REMEMBER: Facebook and pinterest are snapshots of people’s lives. Look at tumblr instead, it’s full of a lot of people who ‘feel’ not so great a lot of the time. (but limit your time there, avoid triggering tags) Today is Thursday. I washed my hair on Sunday night. I have work tonight and and prob won’t wash it till I get home from work at 10:30 tonight. I’m watching 30 rock on netflix in my lazy day pants. Some days I just want to sit and cry. Others I want to do a lot and end up making it to target and reading on my bed. I got a lot of help with my mental health when I started going a few days a week to iop/partical care. It helped me see that I wasn’t alone in my struggles and my friends there are great because even if we don’t have the same diagnosis we know what it’s like to feel like we are crazy. (which we aren’t..because depression lies)
I don’t know if what I am trying to say is making any sense. But hang in there. Work hard. Celebrate small accomplishments. Ice cream for making to the bank! Why Not! PTA is bs. It’s high school all over again. Do what you enjoy. Hide under tables when you need to, but push yourself to try to not to every so often. (yea i know i should shut up, i need anxiety meds to go to work…) but whatever.
sending good thought and stuff your way.
<3 recovering self injurer and fellow personality disorder warrior and princess of anxiety- cheril
I pretty much ALWAYS feel like I’m just treadding the water that is life! I was so proud of myself this morning just for making myself breakfast, coffee, and a lunch to take to work. And I don’t even have kids! I don’t have kids, for one, because I feel like I can barely take care of myself. I often wonder how other people do it… But I think it takes a lot of different kinds of people to make the world go round. I am who I am, I can’t BE anyone else, and some people love me for who I am, so who am I to argue? I’m really trying to embrace myself, but I still feel like a big fat failure a lot of the time. I just try to keep on moving and not treat myself badly :o)
Jen, you are perfectly normal. I don’t feel successful all that often either. And whatever you see on facebook, pinterest or when you go to other people’s houses is their polished version of themselves. They show whatever they want people to see, not what’s really going on behind the scenes. I mean, I clean up (a lot!) when we have people over. Otherwise, we have dirty clothes lying around, dishes from 2-3-4 days past that I just didn’t have the courage to wash. The bathroom isn’t washed every week (mind you, we don’t have kids yet, so we don’t have aiming issues…).
What I try to do though, is to create a to do list where I don’t add things until they’re done. We tend to be lazy, so we give challenges to each other where we’ve got to do something for the other if we don’t succeed. And trust me, the threat of having to wash my husband’s car is enough to get me off my butt!!
And arsonistic deserves way more to be in dictionary than twerk. Seriously.
Even now that I’m doing better than I have in years, also suffering from anxiety and depression, I can’t get rid of exactly what you describe. You are NOT alone.
3-4 days a month is about the same for me.
I’m very aware of my faults and failings.
There are only a few days each month where I am genuinely happy for even part of the day.
I love my kids, but I always feel like I am failing them. I have five kids and not enough time for any of them, and when I do have time, I just want to hide, most days.
That’s my great secret. I think I’m a bad mom.
Everyone around me tells me otherwise, but that doesn’t change how I feel.
The things that make me feel like a success are that my children and the couple of friends I have turn to me when they need someone. They know I’ll be there for them no matter what. It makes me feel like i’m doing something right to be That friend.
I suffer from depression as well, so I’m not sure i’m giving you a midline to compare with.
The things that make me feel better on really bad days? Not much.
The things that make me feel better on Average days? Two friends. Sometimes my kids. And honestly? Your posts.
You may feel like you haven’t accomplished much, but the difference in my life since I’ve started reading your posts is noticeable. Even on the blackest of days, reading your post will lift my spirits.
You’ve changed the world in ways you may never see.
Ha, oh shit, and now there’s TWO HUNDRED THIRTY.
My BFF and I talk about this all.the.time. You are so not alone!! I feel ya, sista!
Honestly? I pretty much never have any days where I feel like I’m successful at being a person. You aren’t alone x
I often think life would be much easier if I was stupid. I’m pretty sure ignorance if truly bliss. But I’m not. Life got much easier when I stopped worrying about what I had or had not “accomplished.” Fuck accomplishment measuring sticks. Life is fleeting. Enjoy your daughter. Watch cheezy TV and enjoy it. Who cares. People with clean windows & manicured lawns have maids & gardeners. Comparing yourself to them (or those “put together” people at parent/teacher night) is not productive. You have no ideas what their lives are really like. So, my advice is to really make a stab at being happy in the moment with the really important things in your life – your daughter & husband. Work with your therapist & take your meds. Do what it takes and don’t be ashamed of it.
Darling. You are most definitely not alone. I have no (diagnosed) mental illnesses and yet I doubt myself at every turn. I write for an online magazine and every e-mail interview I do I think “was that really the person I thought I was interviewing or am I being scammed?”, every positive comment I get, I think “are they just placating me?” It’s natural to doubt what you do and believe me, those “cookie cutter” pastel parents have so much fucked up shit going on in their lives and not confronting it that they are going to implode soon. I guess what I’m saying is, you’re normal and the fact that you’re ADMITTING you’re normal and have doubts and fears is what’s going to get you through this crazy life. When I doubt, I just think “oh well. I’m a good person. I don’t kill kittens. I make people laugh. I make it work.” And I realize that the people in my life who love me have stayed no matter what so I must be doing something right. Love you!!
I have Bi-polar disorder. I refuse to say I AM bi-polar. I’m more than that. I’m in tears reading this. I’ve never posted here before. But I love you.. and you’re not alone. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not either.
From my experience this is a very normal feeling. On the outside I’m a successful scientist, but I always feel like a poser and a loser. My coworkers who seem to have it so together have expressed the same feelings to me. We compare our insides to other’s outsides, and it just isn’t an accurate representation. I only feel successful a handful of days out of the month myself. I suffer from Fibromyaglia/MS and the depression that comes with it. If I make it through work and maybe manage to stop at the store for wine/food it’s a red letter day. I probably will have to throw my hair up because it’s dirty. I think everyone feels this way to some extent. You are a success Jenny, and an inspiration.
What’s so great about all together anyway? Before she passed away my grandmother said, “I have been to so many of my friends funerals these last 10 years. Not one did I ever hear “Her house was really clean and organized” in eulogy. Life is messy. Being human is messy. We are all beautiful and perfect in our own flawed, messy ways. <3
The other day, my big accomplishment was feeding my kids NOT takeout, because I had been on the couch all day to have enough energy. And, my marriage counselor says I need a fucking hobby and that staying on the couch while my husband goes out having fun without me doesn’t count, but I think it totally does, because it’s something for ME. So, what I’m saying is, IF all those pastel bitches ARE really living that life, they can fucking have it. BUT, I think they are faking it. And my mama taught me to never fake it, no one appreciates it.
OMG, I’M NOT ALONE?!!??!! You don’t know how much this just made my day. 🙂
My husband, who I always thought had it together and was Mr. Happy-go-lucky since I met him in 1999, has started to feel the same way as well. I now guess that this is real life. And there’s a big boat full of us just floating around feeling lost and lame. All the media & online outlets just make things seem worse. I feel awesome maybe once a month.
Time for more wine.
I, too, have depression (bipolar, really), ADD, and am prone to anxiety attacks. On top of all that, I have MS as well. Some days it’s a struggle to even get basic house work started, let alone done. I beat myself up for not being able to accomplish more. I know it’s not my fault, but I feel like I should be doing more. The biggest help for me is when I can convince myself not to worry about what doesn’t get done. I ask the question, Can I do anything about it? Yes: then do it! No: don’t worry about it! Lots of deep breathing too. Being a single parent doesn’t make it any easier, and neither does my pseudo-teenager.
I feel like I could totally have written this, except that haven’t even published a book or anything. Most days I feel like I suck, and am barely getting anything done. I know I have several friends who feel very much the same. The Internet is great, but it also makes one feel like a perpetual underachiever. You are not alone!
Honey, if you are a failure, then you are a member of a VERY large club. With the exception of those few perky-assed moms that all the rest of us want to kill, every body else feels the same way you do a lot of the time – if they allow themselves to think about it – though many fellow club members just won’t allow themselves to go there, because… well.. it reminds us of how much we suck.
Truth be told, even most of the ones who seem to have it all together, make it to every PTO thingy, sew all their kids clothes and the curtains of every window – even they are often living fucked up lives, if’n the truth were told. And yes, your depression may serve to intensify the magnifying glass, but trust me, you are actually quite normal – in a joyously fucked up, but honest, normal way.
If your kid is happy, you bathe and dress at least a couple times a week, and can keep the arsonistic tendencies from developing into actual fires, I’d say you’re doing pretty damn good.
Been there, done that, hated it, my kids grew up just fine (eh, well mostly), make a decent living and can afford their own therapy. This is the real world.
I remember years ago, sitting in the dorms during summer session and listening while a group of women who were FINISHING their MASTERS degrees in Education compared notes. One of them was brave enough to say “Part of me is always afraid ‘they’ are going to find out I’m not really competent.” Maybe it was the bottle of wine on the table, but, instead of platitudes, the others ALL responded “yup, me too.” and “Do you think we’ll EVER realize we ARE competent?” It was an eye opener for me — I was finishing my BA and figured once that was done, then I’d KNOW I was a success. It may be a woman thing, but clearly, it’s a common misapprehension. So…no you’re not alone. ME TOO!
I get up every damn morning confident in the knowledge that I am the worst husband/father/homebrewer/person the world has ever seen. A couple of years ago, I spend a month or so waiting each day until everyone else in my family had left the house (I was unemployed at the time) and then spent about half an hour in front of the mirror telling myself why I shouldn’t kill myself. I’ve never been open about that before, so I’m telling everyone in the world through your comments section about it.
More days than not lately, I end up feeling pretty OK about myself. Part of it is knowing that, as a wise and witty woman wrote on her blog once, “depression is a lying bastard”. Part of it is knowing that I’ve got a job, and it’s one I love. It doesn’t pay well, but I love it, so I got that goin’ for me. Which is nice. Part of it is I’ve got good friends that have my back, and let me know I’m OK.
It’s a process, and some days I’m better at sticking with it than others.
Hang in there, and just keep moving.
I’ve got a silver ribbon that I wear when I’m really down. It helps, too.
Oh gawd yes.
I get yelled at for a living, being a city official who tells people no and makes them unhappy, because, as I am told three times a week, I am a terrible person who was beat up in school and has a Napoleonic complex (despite being 6’3″) and hates fun. I can’t believe my parents ever felt like this, but I do. I go to bed most days dreading the next one and sorry that I didn’t do better today. It sucks, but it sucks a little less knowing that I’m not the only one who feels like this. I guess this is the greatest gift of the internet (aside from those hair combs after I totally sold my hair on Etsy to some Maggie guy…): to be able to find out that you’re not alone, that other people hate the shiny happy PTA parents, too. I’m divorced, overweight, a single dad and I would totally slash their stupid SUV tires if given ten minutes. So, yes. You are not alone, and I’m guessing not even abnormal: the abnormal ones are the overly-caffeinated douche-bags that go to bed with their botox smiles, all happy and fulfilled and excited about the general FUCKING GREATNESS OF IT ALL, YO!
Fuck them. Fuck them in the ass. You rock, girl. Those assclowns can suck it.
I don’t have depression or anxiety or any of the others and I often feel this way. Not as much as I used to, though, because when i do, I make it a point to remember the good I have done in my life. I remember when I’ve helped people, sometimes by accident, and when I actually accomplished something- sometimes by accident. I can go for months without having any of those days of feeling “accomplished”, buti do my best to let the feelings roll off my back and have faith in myself that I am being who I’m supposed to be. You are not alone, dear, and for Pete’s sake quit judging yourself through the eyes of others- screw those guys.
Honestly, I feel like this ALL THE TIME. I know that I’ve done a lot of pretty great things, but what people don’t see is that I am so terrified of failure, I only do the things that I am absolutely, 100% sure I can accomplish. This might sound odd, but… That’s just the way I am. It stifles me, because I never really get to try anything new. Or if I do try something new, I go at it so full-on, massively OCD, it crowds out all the other things that I typically do, and all those things just slip away until I feel like “OK, that’s accomplished, I know that I can do that whenever I am asked or tasked with it” and can get back on with my life and doing the things I always loved doing. This is really weird, I know. I really doubt I’m making any sense. So, I’ll stop here before I get more confusing.
Point is: I understand where you are. Because I’m right there with you.
I hate to make it sound like you aren’t special and unique, but yeah, you aren’t alone.
Also, I fail at blogging. You are still ahead of moi. Does that help?
Most of the time I feel like I’m failing at life. I have three degrees and a less than subpar job. I feel like a real person, one who has purpose, maybe like 5 days a month. I’m married and my husband likes me a lot but some days I don’t really like myself. I know I’m doing okay and that things will get better but it’s taking too damn long to get any better. I think you’re hilarious and your writing brightens my dark days. Thank you for being you and so honest with me.
I pray it’s all normal and nobody talks about it. Because if it’s not, I guess I’m right there with you, and I’m not on meds so I’m in a tornado of fucked-up. I have shit laying around my house. Sure, one bit of counter in my kitchen is clean, but the rest looks like a disaster. I look like a disaster. I am a disaster. My “successful” days commonly have a “but you didn’t finish the laundry” or “but you didn’t play with the baby enough” or “but your basement is still under construction” footnote. I may have completed something, but something else was left and for that, I am worthless. I sometimes feel like an imposter, too. When I’m congratulating myself, it feels like I’m blowing up what I deem a “success” and others will see as simply, well, what I was supposed to do.
I’ve taken to, lately, just pushing those aside and taking joy in little things. You know what, the rest may be a mess, but that piece of counter is fucking spotless. And I may not have completed everything on my list, but I took the kid to the park and he had the time of his little life. I try to steal that joy when I can. Lock it away in my heart for the moments I’m feeling so tight, so consumed and so broken. And take it out when I’m feeling worthless. I’m not worthless to my kid. Been my mantra of late….
Chin up. You’re awesome. Oh, and F the PTA moms. Their kitchens are always clean. And that’s disgusting.
Jenny, I get it more then you know.
I try to be awesome but it just doesn’t work. I have great days where I’ve got my shit together & I’m on top of helping with the Brownies, or my house is clean & I’m a great parent. But those are very few days.
The other days I wrestle with my demons of having an illness that will never go away but will worsen(MS) that has been making it impossible to be a “normal” parent possible. In summer during the heat I can’t leave my house half the time. So therefore my 7 yr old can’t go to the park or to the pool so I keep her busy with movies & art stuff while I deal with my depression from the fatigue which stems from my heat intolerance. I can’t drive past certain parts of my suburb, nor can I drive at night. Vision issues SUCK. I suck.
I try to be a good parent but often I’m just angry at the world. I’m angry and (admittedly) jealous of those who live those shiny, happy lives and their homes are decorated and they can go on 2-3 trips a year & put their kids in tons of activities, but I CAN’T because our finances always seem on the edge because of my medical bills(and dental seeing as MS has made my teeth deteriorate at some rapid speed rate) and my son’s(I have a 16 yr old with Aspergers). Sooo I feel like I can never dig out and be that fabulous parents.
So I hate myself. I really do. It comes and goes though. My issues are more anxiety and the fact that I feel like it will never get better. And I feel worthless because I can’t work but my brain has become so forgetful I keep forgetting to make the appointment with the Disability lawyer to see if I qualify!! ( I could be doing that now but I’m writing here, I know I know but writing this made me REMEMBER I have to make the appt).
I yell at my kids a lot. My patience is crap. But I love the hell out of them and they’re both incredibly smart and funny. And I’m happier sitting at home curled up watching movies with them or reading to 7 then I am doing anything else.
So yeah, you aren’t the only one.
I think it’s worse for those of us who deal with illness, because there’s always that slightly “hopeless” feeling even when things AREN’T hopeless. You just can’t help but feel that way. Some days I literally have to yell at myself to get the hell over it. Seriously. But other days I let myself wallow and just sit home all day watching movies or on the internet instead of being out and about or productive.
OHH and the thing that irritates me the most? I mean seriously pisses me off lately? All the other moms I know who work out 3-5 days a week. I want to go evil on them. Tell them to relax and do something else, they’re making the rest of us feel bad.
Bah. Whatever.
Anyways, you do have that book written & it’s fantastic and so what if you have writer’s block, eventually it will pass. Or at some point it will. Hell I’d like to muster the energy to write a blog post & work on my own book but reruns of Veronica Mars is more intriguing these days.
I wash my hair once a week because it’s thick and heavy and I’m too lazy to wrangle it more than that. I do bathe every day though LOL.
I run my own business but somedays I fall into the wormhole of reddit or some other shiny object online and look at my to-do list and say fuck a lot. Then go back to the cats on reddit.
My house is a disaster and I just don’t give a shit 99.9% of the time. One day a month I’ll actually clean (husband is useless) and then I feel pretty damn accomplished. Said business is my excuse and it’s valid most of the time for not cleaning but to me if I don’t do the dishes every day, no kittens die so I’m fine with it.
Those shiny happy people are not as they appear. I have yet to meet one that is really, truly the person they present. They are kind of like the models on magazines. They look impossibly perfect and it’s because in reality they ARE – they are liquified so they are thinner than is possible with bones, they are airbrushed to be flawless and their teeth are NOT that white.
Success is measured by other people to make their egos happy. Fuck that. Did you hug your kiddo today? Then you had a successful day – your kid knew she was loved. The rest is just a bonus. If you washed your hair? Double bonus.
4 days a month if I am lucky. I feel like a sham just about all the time.
No, It’s not just you. And yes, people don’t talk about it. I cry every Saturday because I’m so overwhelmed at everything that has been left to be done on the weekend because I didn’t have the mental or physical energy to do it during the week. Every day is about just making it through the day. And I get angry that the best of me is given to my job and all that’s left of me when I’m not working is a chewed up piece of gum that’s lost its appeal. I don’t have any answers but I wanted you to know that I know how you feel and that you’re not the only one. Dusty boxes, dishes in the sink, unfolded laundry, dirty floors, piles and piles and piles of crap. And writing? Oh how I want to write. I just don’t know how to do it anymore.
whoa. shit just got real up in heah, yo.
I like think I’m successful most days. But it’s a matter of how you break down your successes. My hubby and I both work full time (outside the house) and I have a side being peddling kitchen products. I also run the PTO at the school and feel an incredible need to make up for all the stuff my mom never did. Awesome. Not. Turns out I’m really good at making it seem like I have got my shit together. Smile and nod, just smile and nod…
With that said, I tend to only really get the opportunity to clean on the weekends, so by Friday my house trashed. I consider eating Big M Steakhouse (see how I made eating at McDonalds sound fancy?) a “win” because I didn’t add to the mountain of dirty dishes. Less dishes to wash is always a win. If I can keep laundry clean, it’s a win- It doesn’t matter that it never gets folded or put away. Hey they don’t smell. so YAY!
Maybe if you break down different aspects of your day differently you can WIN more than fail. Then if you get atleast a 50% then your entire day is considered a success, Even if you watched 4 hours of Little House all the while eating the slow churned ice cream because God damn it it’s 50% less fat, meaning you can eat 50% more guilt-free!
Sounds like you need to pay your minions a visit over in facebookland… After the LPTNH book group we migrated to FB under the name “Lawsbian Awesomeness” and many of us over there deal with shit like this all the time. And yes even me, the quiet one in there who doesn’t spill the beans. It’s a very supportive group of people. Also we might all fangirl you if you actually visit under your real name. so keep that in mind.. Use your alter ego.
I had an epiphany at some point when my son was a baby (he’s 10 now), where I had been reading a lot of parenting discussion boards and such, and it suddenly hit me: this feeling I was walking around with, that everyone else has their shit together way more than me … *everyone else feels that way too*! It was astonishing to realize that there were moms out there who might read my posts and think of me, “wow, she really knows what she’s doing.” I felt like I was just muddling through parenthood (and life) as best I could, mostly fucking it up, but getting by. And slowly I came to see that *everyone* is just muddling through. So I’ve tried to consciously reprogram my thinking, and it has been eye-opening for sure. I realized just how much of my psychology was tied up in thinking of myself as “the one who doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing.” I still get caught up in that a lot, because it’s not so easy to shake…but at least it gets easier to recognize.
You are not alone. Most days I feel like there was more I could have/should have done to be a better friend, a better wife, a better ME.
I really hate it most when I say something stupid and then think that if I know it was stupid the other person must know it was stuipd, so then I tell the other person I’m sorry I said something so stupid when they actually didn’t think it was stupid at all, and so now they know how stupid I am and think it’s stupid because I told them it was.
As you can imagine, the never-ending circle in my head is exhausting. I mostly feel like I’m pretending to be a grown-up most of the time and really am still about 16 (I pick 16 because that is when I got my driver’s licence and didn’t have to beg my parents for rides off the farm).
First, I wish I could give you a hug.
Second, you have pulled me out of some very dark places, and I spread word about your blog to everyone I know. I’ve bought so many copies of your book for relatives and friends that my husband and I have our own copies of your book. Apparently we can’t share.
Third, I rarely feel successful. I’m terrified of trying most of the time, because every time I do, I get kicked in the teeth. The first really bad time happened when supposed friends told me, for days on end, that I am a manipulative bitch that everyone is afraid of, and that’s the only reason anyone would talk with me. This was while I was attempting to lead a group for women’s rights on a college campus–and they were my officers. I did an excellent job fund-raising, but ultimately left the enterprise because after nearly 9 months of almost hourly e-mails from them and of them discussing me in such manner with other people, I couldn’t take it any more. I then threw myself into my academic work as solace and escape. For what it’s worth, I excel at academic work, but cannot for the life of me feel like I excel at it. I feel like this is how everyone does with academic work, and that everyone is doing it better than me. I’m the 3.98 student in my Master’s program currently, who feels like that. All A’s…but I’m sure that’s how everyone else is doing, too.
I’m the leader of my schools LGBTQ group…and when I get compliments, I feel like people are saying that because they feel sorry for me. Because I need the props. But if I don’t hear them, I still feel like a failure.
I’ve also gotten my wusband into therapy for gender dysphoria, which is great in that he’s no longer as anxious thanks to Lexapro–but for me is mostly a relief, which makes me feel shittier. I love and support him, but I feel like if I can’t make it to his therapy appointments, I’m disappointing him and his therapist (though he has never even made an inkling of being disappointed in me for this).
I had a brief stint of feeling successful late last month. Now I’m back to the insecurities that make me want to crawl under the covers and never come out. Every day is a battle to try to tell myself I’m stupid less and tell myself I’m good more.
And I say all this as I’m trying to prepare myself to go present an outrageous budget to my Student Government to bring a speaker to our campus for the benefit of our whole community. I’m terrified. I wish I wasn’t.
Fourth: Thank you for sharing as you do, because your sharing allows me to share. I don’t know where I’d be without your bravery–we can’t be brave if there’s no fear.
We all have the little voice in our heads telling us we are crap. It is what keeps everyone from being a complete assh*le. I have tried this year to override my little voice telling me things are futile and have just gone ahead and started projects that have been plaguing me from my peripheral vision. I have found that if I just get on with it, my voice was making it all worse than it actually could possible be in real life. Not that I am PTA mom now either, but I am almost considering volunteering in the library at my daughter’s new more “upper crusty” school and trying to shut the voice telling me that my artsy, nose pierced, single mom self will be leered at.
We all do the best we know how. Even the Pastels have shit going on behind closed doors. My best friend is a Pastel on the outside of her home, but an anxiety ridden mess in truth. It is HER anxiety that pushes her to go overboard. She will not rest until her kid’s costumes are hand sewn, cakes hand made and house perfectly perfect. She is slowly driving herself insane, all to look perfectly pastel.
So, we all have our crap. We all have little voices that tell us to pay no attention to the person behind the curtain. And we all fell like we need an extra 6 hours in a day to just keep up. Glad it ain’t just me.
xoxoxox
I don’t know a woman who doesn’t feel like an imposter in their own life. In fact, I’m pretty sure my therapist has told me that most people are put together with duct tape and no one feels “successful.” So yeah, you are so not alone – fact is, we’re all faking it.
I motivate myself by fear and self-loathing – beating myself up for being a loser makes me angry and determined to show my inner critic that I can do something I think is impossible. And I only feel successful if I’ve proven myself wrong and done something I suck at. Like being an accountant when I’m really, you know, BAD at math. It’s actually pretty fucked up, and something I’m trying to change. I just don’t know how. Yet.
You ARE pretty fucking awesome. So am I. We all are. It’s just hard to see it ourselves, you know?
Been reading your blog for a while, but this is the first time I’ve ever responded. I’ve totally been there, and I think that most of this sounds pretty darn normal (even with specific mental health diagnoses) . I find it helpful to remind myself that the shiny veneer that people put out there on Facebook and Pinterest or whatever is just that: a shiny veneer. Those people aren’t necessarily any more successful at their lives, they’re just more successful at making people THINK they’re more successful! I find it helpful to remind myself that behind the veneer, their lives are probably pretty fucked up for full of shit, too. I also find it helpful to redefine my notion of “success”. If watching Little House with your daughter is the only thing you’ve done all day, then that’s a major success! She’ll remember and cherish that far more than some stupid Martha Stewart-y Pinterest project. Sometimes I add tiny little things (often, things I’ve already completed) to my to-do list, just to feel like a better person. It TOTALLY helps.
COMPLETELY. FUCKING. NORMAL. I don’t have any anxiety or depression and I feel like that most of the time. Roll with it I guess…
Yep. I have a career and I live independently and pay bills on time – but I feel like a fraud a lot of days at work (it’s getting better, slowly), my apartment is always a mess and smells like cat, I only pay bills on time because they’re automatically paid, and oh, I’m permanently single. My cousins who are my age are married and have beautiful children. They have the white pocket fence life. A lot of my high school friends are there, too. Me? Nowhere near it. And I know I wouldn’t want that life – I’m not in that space and I *like* my life, thanks. But I still feel like I’m failing adulthood, because isn’t that what adulthood is supposed to look like? Husband, kids, PTA meetings, little league, play dates… Instead I’m sitting on my couch with my computer, reading twitter and tumblr and if I’m feeling it, writing. Not even writing a novel, like many of my online friends are managing. I’ve backslid away from that kind of motivation and am back to fanfic, trying to get my creative brain going again.
I feel successful a few days of the month. Today I feel pretty competent at my job (though being on my cell writing a long comment after spending a while on twitter and tumblr undermines that). But I’ll go home and eat canned soup again, if I’m lucky, because food is hard and cooking takes work. I won’t check dating sites, because eek. I’ll just do what I always do, living in the rut that can’t possibly be what adulthood is supposed to be. I’m almost 30 (less that 2 months) and I still feel like I’m floundering.
I have other friends like me, though, and that helps. Maybe it means this is an okay way to live.
I genuinely think we all get imposter syndrome, especially women for some reason. I belong to a couple of awesome forums of mainly women and every so often a thread about this very thing comes up and we all go ‘Me too!’ and for a short while we feel not so alone with it.
Thanks, as always, for the honesty.
You are not alone. What’s that quote?… “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Or something like that. And I don’t really keep count, but 3-4 kick ass days sounds about right.
You always say “skip this post” on top of the best posts, you know that?
Where did the measurements you use to define “success” come from? Why does it even matter if you are “successful”? It totally sucks that depression keeps you from doing stuff you want to do, I’m on board with that. But that doesn’t mean you are less than. Doing your best is what matters, and you always do your best. The crappy feeling you get on a day where you can’t do something you want/need to that makes you feel inadequate is just more depression lies.
I really only feel “unsuccessful” on days I decided to go to the gym and I don’t go. Because I let the laziness win and its not good for me. But often letting the laziness win is good for mental health, so I don’t beat myself up about it.
It’s not just you….that is for sure. I do not have a mental illness, depression, or anxiety disorder and I still feel like I “kick ass” perhaps 3 or 4 days a month as well. Even people who are wildly successful (a lot of times women) have confidence issues most of the time. For me, it’s about comparing myself to other people and thinking that it is easier for them. Well, it’s not. Many people don’t THINK. They just DO. and then suddenly, 30 years into adulthood, they freak out. You and me… and probably the other 50% of the planet, freak out in intervals, because we analyze everything as we go along. I think it is normal.
Now for how to get over it — for every negative thought that appears in my head, I try to think up two positive thoughts. I do yoga (it helps). I try meditation (still bad at that) I note to myself that I am HUMAN and all humans have flaws, make mistakes, do just enough to get through the day, because in truth, most days take work to get through – even happy days. The most beautiful top model doubts her beauty. Only the narcissist and the ego maniac feels happy with themselves every day – and they are idiots.
I was talking to someone ears ago about this very thing, this feeling like I was failing while everyone around me seemed to succeed effortlessly at life, and she said something that stuck with me, so I’ll tell you. She said ” It’s not fair to compare how you FEEL to how other people SEEM.”
It makes sense to me. Everyone is a freak, some just hide it a hell of a lot better than we do, and I say this as a manic depressive, anxiety disordered, occasionally psychotic, OCD, recovering alcoholic.
Jenny,
You always seem to have the post I need when I need it.
I feel the same way you do. I pretty much feel like I’m not living up to my potential most days. You aren’t alone in that. I’ve never been to therapy or taken mood altering drugs, but I sometimes think that needs to happen. On occasion, I am proud of myself, but those feelings are tempered by the fact that I feel like a failure as a father and husband even though my kinds aren’t criminals, my wife loves me, and I keep them fed and clothed without too much worry. Actually, I’m going though a pretty down period right now and using your blog for therapy.
If it helps at all, your posts have helped me tremendously. Teaching me that depression lies and that I’m not alone probably saved my life… literally.
Thank you.
Some days I accomplish a shit ton of stuff and I go to bed and reflect on how I feel like I didnt get any relaxing done. Other days i am a lazy ass and then think about how i didnt get anything productive done. Sometimes i get so behind at work i feel like crawling under my desk and crying because i can’t get caught up. Some days i sit and stare at my computer screen and create paper clip sculptures because being lazy and far behind is acceptable but busting balls and still being behind is enough to make me feel insane. I cant even tell you hoe many days this month I have felt accomplished, because my brain goes back to all the shit I DIDNT do yesterday.
I will never be caught up. My house will never be completely clean. My list of shit to do and see only grows.
The only thing I absolutely MAKE myself do everyday is meditate. Some days my mind won’t shut up and nothing happens but I still enjoy the stillness for a few minutes. Other days I connect to a world where a good heart and intentions are enough, and all my problems that exist in the physical world are small and irrelevant.
Then my cat comes along and paws my foot because I forgot to feed her for the billionth time this week.
Meditation takes practice and patience. But its the only thing that I accomplish that leaves me feeling fulfilled, no matter what else is going on.
Here’s my pointer: make a to-do list every day, and cross stuff off as you do it. Even if it’s like “wake up” and “brush teeth,” you’ll start seeing all you really get done in a day. Especially stuff like “laugh at my husband’s joke” or “have quiet time with my daughter.” I even write items on the list after I’ve done them, so I can cross them off and say hooray for me. And if all else fails, watch reality TV. A good episode of some hoarders show always makes me think, Well, at least I’m not pooping in plastic bags that I keep in the closet. I guess it’s a form of counting my blessings?
It’s not just you. Not knowing all that you’re experiencing, it is hard to say “it is X,” but the anxiety you describe arising from comparing yourself to others, and from feeling, inside, that you should be moving forward more or doing more, is mine too, and a lot of others’ as well. In some ways it is the other side of the American Dream – the charge to do more, have more, be better, if not for your kids, then for all of us. But it is also insecurity, fear, and self-doubt. I have the good fortune to be successful by any measure, but worry daily that I will be discovered as a fraud. Am I? No, but I can’t believe that anyone would approve of me if they knew my own fears and doubts. Best wishes.
Not only can I speak for myself, but I can tell you that I just took a 7-week class at my church called “Worthy” and there were 36 people there who all, uniformly, feel this way. Ok, well, maybe 34, because there’s that one cool old dude, and the pastor who just got back from India.
I was gonna say Cognitive Therapy. Good call on that one.
Here’s a sermon from my cool lady pastor about how cool it is to be a disappointment. No dogma, but there is a mention of douche karma. I love her.
Love you.
It’s not just you. I’ve been feeling like I suck at life lately (despite the shiny exterior and all that) simply because I don’t conform to what is expected of me. I live alone. I don’t have a husband or children. I work from home. I have cats. For a while I was working for a client that no matter what I did, it was wrong only they wouldn’t say it right away – they’d wait until I’d delivered a bunch of files and then they would reject them. So we went back and forth a lot; we even got a conference call and everything and I thought stuff had been clarified. So they sent a new project. And I said to my friend, “If they reject this, I’m out.”
Guess what? They rejected it.
And so I left. And now all the crap they put me through for over a year is slowly leaving my body and I’m sad 99% of the time and I have dishes in the sink and clothes that are not hung but I hold on.
So yeah. You’re not alone.
Move over and give me some blankie. I’m coming over to watch “Little House on the Prairie” with you and Hailey. 😉
Honestly, I don’t think most people EVER feel like they have days where they feel like they’ve done everything right. I think that if we’re lucky (or optimistic or whatever) we have moments in our days when we feel like “I did OK there” and being “OK” at something makes me feel like a rock star. I’ve had to learn to find one or two moments in a day where I say to myself “good job with that” and it makes me feel better. Even if I just sent out a very well worded work email- I did something well. And then I high-five myself (which looks very awkward when sitting at my desk by the way).
My point is- each of us have things that make our days a little better, even if it’s snuggles with our cats. It’s difficult to recognize those moments sometimes. And people who appear to have it all together… they don’t. It’s only one part of themselves they’re showing. Nobody is perfect- we’re not meant to be.
I used to feel successful pretty much 0 days out of the month unless I just had a job review or got a promotion (ie, had tangible proof I was doing well). I realized, though, that what I want to be successful at isn’t necessarily climbing a career ladder. I want to make enough money to pay my bills, and enable myself to one day raise a family. To that end, I seem to be almost on track. I may still be living at home, but I’ve never been late on a bill payment because not moving out has given me enough money to always pay them on time. I’m not at the top of my career, but I’m doing well and after being at the same place for three years I don’t face crippling anxiety walking through the door every day. Looking at it from that perspective, I’m pretty successful. My advice would be to really figure out what success means to you, not just what it means to everyone else. You might find that you’re doing better than you thought.
It’s definitely not just you. Some days I look back and realize the only thing I did was hang out on the couch and read, and it was a beautiful day and I didn’t even go outside once, and then I feel like I wasted it. If I didn’t have to go out to work, I think that would happen far more often than it does.
I think you are going to get a lot of people telling you they feel the same. Either because the people who get you (and thereby read your blog) are similar to you or we have a societal epidemic. I think we have an epidemic on our hands. I often feel hopeless and useless. What the hell is my life worth? What is the point of the myriad of insubstantial things we do everyday? Is this it? And, yes, I am depressed. Have been my whole life but it is getting harder and harder to shake. Maybe it is because we are getting so out of touch with life that how we appear becomes the most meaningful thing? I don’t know. All I know is that you wrote down the words that often swirl in my head. And I wish we could collectively find a way to make it better….without having to take drugs.
I also have anxiety disorder and depression. I’m on meds for both. I feel like a failure most days, I can’t even get up to do the simplest things. I’m a mother and most of the time I feel I fail at that. She knows I love her, but some days it’s hard to get up the energy to play. The meds I’m currently on help some. The things I have found that help me most are : cutting useless crap out of my life. Meaning, that I cut soul suckers and people that don’t want to or can’t understand what I deal with daily. I also force myself to go out. I mean out of the house, even if it’s just to get toothpaste. If I’m not going to do something at home, then get out. On the days I don’t want to leave the most are the days I really make myself face the world. Most of all I talk to my husband and my best friend. They may not completely understand, but they try and I can get some of the craziness out and said. I hope this helps. You have helped me so much by being so honest about mental illness and saying it doesn’t mean you are lost and that it lies. I have become more honest about my mental illness to my husband and best friend. Because of you I tried harder to get better and see a Dr. I really hope maybe I can help you, and point you in the right direction.
I have been living your life for 62 years. I’m still here, and I value those 3-4 days a month, I’ve reconciled myself to knowing that this is the way it is, and it’s definitely made me a happier person. Live your life, knowing those days will come, use the shit out of them, and don’t worry about the other 26-27 days. Do some knitting, watch soap operas, eat Chip-a -Hoys. As far as being a PTA mom – forget about it. I tried. I really, really tried. Just about every PTA queen I even met was a complete douchenozzle. They are the high school “mean girls” all grown up, and they are still as mean as green, bacteria-laden snot.
OMG, this: I know I’m a good person (as in “not evil or intentionally arsonistic”), but I’m not very good at being a person…at the end of each day I usually lie in bed and think “Shit. I’m fucking shit up. I accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing.”
I’ve never thought about how many days a month I feel successful, but I know I can only ever maintain what I consider “normalcy” — showering every day, keeping the house clean, no panic attacks or social anxiety, no entirely wasted days, etc. — for 2-3 weeks, and when I fall off the wagon, so to speak, I fall HARD! The last two days I have spent at least 75-80% of my waking hours in front of a computer, iPad or iPhone. And I don’t have a job. I play Candy Crush and Words with Friends, I stalk Facebook and Jezebel and a few other sites, I watch YouTube videos. Wasted days! Dishes and laundry pile up, dust bunnies start reproducing, and here I sit. My kids are fed and clothed and their homework gets done, but that is all I can say at the end of most days. The basics of existing.
So, no, it’s not just you. And thank you for writing this.
Feeling successful 3 or 4 days a month sounds FANTASTIC to me. I think success is a hindsight thing–we never realize how well we did things until days, week, months or years later. It can’t be an everyday feeling, otherwise success will feel a hell of a lot like existing (which it is, in truth). Being able to get up, face the day and not shit all over ourselves in the process is the best success there is.
I also have (undiagnosed and unmedicated) depression/anxiety and feel like a failure most of the time. I haven’t actually counted how many days out the month, but probably the majority. If I REALLY had to guess, I think I feel good about myself and my talents maybe once or twice a week, tops. The rest of the time I’m like, “Ugh, I suck. Everyone is better than me. Bluhhhhh.”
This past week though I’ve been riding on a high of doing really well in a national competition, and I’ve been in a continuously good mood (excluding a couple random bouts of anxiety). I’m not sure when the high will wear off, ha ha. But doing so well in something I entered has made me come to terms with the fact that yes, I am talented. Yes, other people like me and like what I do. Yes, I am worth something.
Although I guess even though you’ve done things really awesome and nationally recognized, those good feelings don’t stay forever. It’s hard to keep convincing yourself that you’re good at things.
Anyway, I don’t think I have any advice that you don’t know already. But life is really overwhelming for everyone sometimes. I don’t know if you should be feeling so down on yourself THAT frequently, and I agree, a lot of it is probably your personality disorders (that’s what I suspect of myself as well). The thing that helps me the most is positive reinforcement from my loved ones, and especially from people I don’t know (because they’re not biased), because I don’t believe it when I just tell it to myself.
Years ago. Not ears. *sigh*
You are not alone, lots of people feel like EVERYONE else has it so together, what is wrong with me…however, as someone who f*cks up a lot of stuff and bounces checks all the time and forgets to pay bills (yeah, I just found out that I have ADHD and just started taking some awesome meds), and who also used to have crippling depression and self loathing, you need to be a lot less hard on yourself, and also focus on the stuff you are good at (even if it is lying in bed under the blanket watching TV). Maybe exercise will help, hard exercise where you sweat and gasp, it probably has saved my life. Maybe the meds need tweeking, or the therapist needs to be replaced or augmented. Just remember you are loved by lots of people, you have helped so many of us with your humor, and it’s ok to f*ck up, as long as you keep trying to do your best. Take care of yourself first.
‘Seem’ is the key word in your post…no one..and I do mean no one has all their shit together all the time. We are all so sure that we are screwing this gig up, but the big secret is that you can’t…your life is yours and you live it in the way that things take you and we all screw up a lot…we all also get a whole hell of a lot right…everything is shiny until you get close and see the fine scratches that the polish hides…shrugs…sounds to me like you are pretty normal in that regard…well, lol, as normal as we humans get at any rate.
Yeah. You’re not alone at all. Some days I feel like I’m the King of the World then I realize I’m hanging off the front of the damn Titanic and there’s an iceberg holy shit Batman. Some days, I’m proud of myself if I decide not to call in sick and spend the day eating ice cream. Some days I feel like I get a whole bunch done – sometimes related to work; other times related to home.
Don’t assume you’ve got “enough” good or bad days compared to everyone else. Just the fact you’re ASKING means you are starting to think about change. So change. Redefine success. If Victor doesn’t wake screaming in the middle of the night from all the taxidermy and Hailey spells great…win.
It’s not just you, the problem is, too many people lie. They especially lie on fb. Seriously, no one can have such awesome amazing days all the time like so many people post. But no-one wants to admit how bad they feel they failed as a parent/wife/person, so they sugarcoat it all. It’s after 12 here and I am still in my pjs (unshowered) as my child eats ramen for lunch(which he freaking loves). We didn’t get started on school stuff until after 830 ( my goal was 7 am). I won’t post any of that as my status though, I probably won’t post a status at all, unless the day magically gets much better. I have a tendency to see myself as a lazy failure(if I was better there would have been pancakes for breakfast, and something healthy and homemade for lunch, and some amazing field trip planned, and the laundry would be done, and we would do awesome crafts every day, etc etc)but my family loves me, for some strange reason my husband even seems to adore me and all my so called failings. That thought is what keeps me from becoming suicidal. If my amazing kids and hubby like me,then maybe, just maybe, those thoughts in my head are WRONG!
“Fake it til you make it.” It’s what I do most days. I have 2 good days a week. Tops.
You are definitely not alone in that feeling. And all those shiny happy people on FB and Pinterest and every other social media outlet? They aren’t really that shiny and happy. They have dusty, cluttered homes. They yell at their kids sometimes. They fuck up. It’s much easier to present a pretty picture online.
I definitely have lots of days where I feel like I’m coasting. Days where I realize i spent 8 hours reading articles on The Hairpin and Gawker and didn’t get any work done. And it’s ok. We’re all ok.
*hugs*
I just have to say thank you for writing this, because I thought I WAS THE ONLY ONE. And you have NO idea how much it makes my day (and possibly my life as an adult) to see someone I respect and admire, describe what could be my interior monologue practically every day (except those few days that are good).
Successful = having a kid who’s the best speller in the class. Or almost the best speller. Or a kid who tries their best. Successful = raising a kid who is happy and healthy, even if you aren’t on the PTA. Successful = being the kind of mom that your kids think it’s a special treat when they get a peanut butter sandwich for lunch, when really it’s because you were too tired/stressed/sad/excited/busy/whatever to make them a “real” lunch. Not that I’ve ever done that last one…
Sometimes I think success is simply the ability to exist, get through this incredibly hard thing called living.
My house is cluttered. I spend too much time on the Internet. I have never washed my windows in more than 7 years. I don’t mow the lawn more than once a month. I don’t make my bed in the morning. The flowers I planted in the spring are dried up and dead. My 2.5 year old still drinks from a bottle. My husband and I eat dinner at 10pm. I keep gaining and losing the same 3lbs.
All of these things label me “loser at life” by some people.
But you know what? I love my kid and show him. I’m patient with him and I kiss my husband hello and I smile at people and I’m kind (usually). I use my blinkers when driving. I don’t text when I shouldn’t. I try to breathe in and out, calmly, every day. That is life. That is living. That is success.
You are not alone in this. We all have shit we compare to others and there’s always someone “doing it better.” Fuck them.
I know exactly how you feel. I spend many days looking at other people’s Facebook pages and feeling inadequate compared to how shiny/vacation-y/successful/social/accomplished/happy they all seem. But then I remember that what people choose to post on Facebook, Pinterest, etc. is what they want to communicate to the world about their lives, not necessarily the whole truth. I mean, very few people would choose to post, “Hey, I just failed at life!” But we all feel that way sometimes. You’re getting a highly edited view of other people’s lives through social media (and social interaction in general, I think), so it’s unfair to hold yourself up to it as an unattainable ideal, because it doesn’t really exist. Just keep being you, and know that you’re successful every day because you’ve brought so much laughter and hope and community to so many of us.
Yeah, 3 or 4 days a month sounds about right.
I’m with you my dear. I have an amazing son, a wonderful husband and want to be successful in my work life, but maybe feel like I’m awesome 2-3 days a month, and certainly not all day. You describe it perfectly, Imposter Syndrome. Everyone tells me I kick ass and am amazing, and I feel that they must be quite drunk in the middle of the day not to see what a fraud I am. I had a nice little meltdown about it to my poor husband at 11:30 at night the other day which involved a great deal of sobbing my face off and apologizing for not being the dominating force he signed up for when he asked the other me to marry him. I often feel, not only am I falling behind, but that perhaps the window of awesomeness has passed me by, and that the enormous success I once dreamed of, in my ignorant youth, will only happen if I deviate greatly from the plan. Of course the directions in which if feel most fulfilled will likely never pay much of anything, like professional crocheter, shelf organizer or garage sale flipper. So, like you, I’m a fraud too. Just so you know, outside looking in (and perhaps a bit drunk in the afternoon), you seem pretty fantastic. Writing one book is not too shabby, as accomplishments go. On some days putting on pants, other than those that never meet their destiny of participating in yoga class, is a pretty great step towards world domination. Keep at it girl. You’re not alone. Many of us wear the same mask.
I know how you feel. So well. My first book came out almost two months ago, and God help me if I’m ever going to get a second into the world. Sometimes I feel like a massive failure because I don’t think I’m doing *enough*. I don’t have kids, but I have a job, and 90% of the time I’m incredibly disinterested in my life, if not flat out depressed, which a friend and I refer to as “visits from Emo Joe.” And the fact that my sister’s wedding still overshadows my Major Life Accomplishment doesn’t help. The only way I can really describe how I feel is either I feel nothing, or I feel too much and get overwhelmed.
Most of the time, I can pull myself out of these funks within a few days. My last visit from Emo Joe lasted for almost 2 weeks and resulted in me almost giving up writing *again* and eating a lot of fast food, which just makes things worse, I know. The best part is having close friends who completely understand how I feel because they go through it too.
I try to remember that I have my flaws like everyone else. That no one is perfect, that most of the time, the people with the most polished exteriors are hiding something, maybe even the same issues I’m having. Sometimes the harder they try, the more problems they’re having (and then there are those well-adjusted motherfuckers that I hate). The point is that accepting yourself is way harder than it should be, but once you accept that you’re just as deserving of a happy life as those happy, shiny PTA moms–and you find a way to constantly remind yourself of this–you’ll have better days more often. In my case, I listen to a lot of music, and when I’m having one of /those/ days, I listen to “You’re a Lie” by Miles Kennedy and Slash. Because it’s really appropriate for that little voice in my head that seems dead set on making me fail.
Jenny, you’re amazing. I don’t comment often, but I read every post, and I’ll continue to do so. Thank you for posts like this. Even if they’re not funny, they’re important. <3
This is normal, I think, but people don’t talk about it. The older I get, the more I discover that most people, especially those with shiny, happy lives, are really dying on the inside, but do not tell anyone.
I have many of the same issues you have, along with a handful of physical problems (Fibromyalgia, chronic pain, epilepsy, and chronic migraine, to name the big ones), and I get absolutely nothing done. Truly. You are an inspiration to me, in so many ways, Jenny.
Thank you for writing this. I have been having the same thoughts for the last few days. I find that my anti-depressants (which I started taking to deal with my postpartum depression) make me extremely tired, which makes me feel like a neglectful mother because I can’t get out of bed, which sends me into a further depression. I have a college degree, yet no job to show for it because I have no desire to work. I feel like I wake up each day counting the minutes until I can go to sleep at night. Each day feels like I am just waiting for this ride we call ‘life’ to be over. I think it’s time to change my meds….
I feel that way constantly. It’s not that everyone has their shit together but me (you and you and you), it’s just that we are too worried about getting our shit together that we fail to notice the little cracks in the perfect facade.
It’s like you said for successful parenting: (paraphrasing) “Does your child have claws for hands at the end of the day? If not, you win at parenting.” Now apply that to everyday life: “Do I have claws for hands at the end of the day? No, then I win today.”
It’s not just you. At all.
Sending love, empathy and understanding your way. <3
What do you want on your tombstone?
She was a PTA mom and had stuff for a picnic if she wanted to have one… or she was kind and every fucking day she tried?
You life sucks a lot, depression sucks. And through it, you have helped more people by your honesty than all the PTA moms in your state, maybe the entire world.
I wish for you to find peace. But failing that, at least realize that every day you remember depression lies, you are not a failure.
How many days do I feel successful? Who the hell knows. I beat depression. I count every day for the last 30 yrs that I have not been depressed as a win. I count raising my child knowing she is loved for the last 22 yrs .. every single day.. as a win.
Do I hate I am fat? Yes. Do I hate I made career/financial choices that are sure as heck not WINS? Yes. But do I hate myself over them? No. So many worse choices out there… I’ll take mine, thank you.
It’s not just you. But the only solution is to start giving yourself a break. Be proud of what you DO accomplish and realize that sometimes just doing what is required to survive IS a big deal. For much of humanity’s existence, that was pretty much the only thing that mattered. You made it to another day and so did everyone else in your household! Now the day to day existence is seen as pretty much a given, so we have to be PTA Moms or make picnics or plan ridiculous birthday parties. Surviving is underrated. You’re not alone – we all freak about these other things. We all make ourselves feel “less than”. But we really should just give ourselves a pat on the back – being human is hard sometimes!
Not alone at all. In fact, the fact that you feel the way you do makes me think you are actually QUITE good at being a human. 🙂 I honestly don’t know anyone who doesn’t feel like this to some extent but I think that people who have anxiety or depression (or any number of other illnesses both mental and physical) may feel more guilty about it. Bottom line: You are who you are at any given time and that is a mercurial state to be certain. Some days you must celebrate the fact that you are breathing in and out because your resources are just too damn tied up keeping yourself sane while other days you may climb into bed at night thinking, “Hot damn, did I rock it today!” Most days we’ll fall somewhere in the middle and that’s ok. 🙂
Lately? 0/month
I struggle because I love to be different but it comes at a cost. I’m the purple/pink/red haired Mama who lives the life of someone who should have blonde hair, wear heels always and be a size 2. But I’m not, and I’ll never be so when I look around my neighbourhood and at the other mothers I used to feel really.really.fucking shitty.
But I remind myself why people like me, because I claim I just don’t give a shit, life is too short blah blah blah. While I believe it, there are still times when I cringe after seeing two Mums in the corner whispering and rolling their eyes at me, or when I volunteer at the school (forcing myself out of bed and to get presentable) and none of the other Mums will even talk to me while we serve a hot lunch or board the bus for a school trip.
I started hanging out with really cool people, like me. I don’t have my shit together but I spend too much time worrying what other people think. Will I finish my book on time? Will it be a flop? What if someone notices my kids socks don’t match (and they have, and they have mentioned it and we’re no longer friends)? That shit kills me and I’m tired of it.
I spend less time on FB comparing, FB is the evilest tool of comparison in the world. You see what others are doing but it’s all a facade. No one wants to admit “Hey, my OCD was so bad last night I re-arranged my entire underwear drawer by colour and then I locked myself in the closet crying.” If more people did, we’d all be happier, or at least more amused.
My kids are a success, my marriage is great, we aren’t perfect but we work and those are my people. My rock solid people that see the crazy in me and love it anyway.
What makes me feel successful are those little people.If I can manage to get them to school and they grow up to need minimal therapy – I’ve done my job. I don’t volunteer anymore unless it’s a class trip or I want to. I don’t feel obligated to do anything other than write, hang out with my family and stay alive. For me that’s a success. Small goals like, a chapter a week for the book. No more crazy schedules, it stresses me out and the kids out.
I feel successful when I am not a raging maniac. When I can get out of bed and do my best. Truly, if I got one thing accomplished like making a few phone calls in a day (which is a big deal for me) that’s great.
Small goals, not the bigger picture. That’s what works for me. I don’t make lists anymore. I just focus on one thing. If it’s “Call and get the truck booked for an oil change” or “Get the pussy waxed” so be it, that’s a success for me.
Also, I made a shit ton of freezer meals. Lasts over a month and for some reason that makes me feel like I have my shit together. We are trying to have dinner every night as a family, we’ve never done that before on a consistent basis.
Thanks for this, because we’re all in the same boat.
Nobody has ever accused me of having my shit together, but I feel pretty successful at being who I am. I don’t aspire to perfection or even near perfection. Do no harm. Have fun. Contribute to society in some way. Be nice to people. Make others laugh, or even just think. You’re doing that in the way that all normal folk do. Some of those you do in a very non-normal way, and that’s why all of us are here. <3
Jesus, maybe I have a mental illness because I know exactly what you are talking about. Stop being an asshole to yourself.
I read this, this morning…breathe, you are normal.
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
You sound an awful lot like me. For that, I am truly sorry. If it helps, those 3-4 days a month that you feel good and the days you find time to “talk” with us or write for us, make it possible for many of us to have 3-4 days a month that we feel good. So thanks. Really.
I go to work everyday and am super responsible. But, yeah I have the same issues. There is a good chance most of us do. How do we stop caring about that false feeling, those unrealistic standards? How do you just LIVE? and who the F put this in our heads??
I suspect you are a VERY bright group of people I am sure I would think you had it all if I looked into your lives from the out side. 😀
Yeah, I’m right there with you. How many days do I kick ass? One or two a YEAR. How many days a month do I feel adequate? Three. Four in a good month. How many days to I curl up in my comfy chair with a book, or spend the entire day reading and rereading Facebook posts? All the rest of them.
C’est la vie, I guess. At some point I more or less quit caring.
Ditto ditto ditto
I have the same issues and was just crying, literally crying last night because I suck as a mom.
I’m sorry you feel this way, and sorry I feel this way too;)
Thanks for your brutal honestly and letting us all know we are not alone.
You are not alone. Everyday I feel worn out by trying to put on a facade of having my shit together. It’s exhausting and ends up preventing me from actually getting my shit together. The only times I have found recently in which I feel better is when I depend on someone else to make me happy (further making me codependent), ignore what my life actually is by traveling away (further distancing myself from getting my life in order), or throwing myself into work so as to not think of anything else (further influencing me to ignore my problems).
I’d like to think that it gets better, and it’s certainly comforting to know there are others who feel this way.
In a good month, I feel like I have 2 to 3 days that are even marginally successful. Most months I feel like I fail at everything… that I’m just a failure in general. Every day at the end of the day I feel like I should apologize to anyone I interacted with that day for having had to put up with me.
I think to an extent everyone (at least I hope so) feels like this. I have a lot of days where I’m driving home from work and I think “Is this seriously my life? I go to work, I come home, and I get everything ready to repeat the next day.” My house is a mess, I’m overweight, I haven’t had my hair cut in a year, I live paycheck to paycheck. So yeah, I look at people that have a giant house, just ran a marathon, have perfectly groomed kids, and just got back from a trip to some awesome location and I feel like I’m fucking up.
But then I remember that I don’t really care. Other people can have that. My house is a mess because I have too many animals and a toddler. I’m overweight because I love baking and eating what I bake. My hair is in a ponytail every day anyway and I have enough money to get by on. So other people may think that I suck at being a person, but I’m good with what I’ve got.
Having said that, I still wouldn’t consider my days to be kick ass. There’s always more crap to do, more errands to run, more stuff to clean, and that can give me serious anxiety sometimes. Sometimes I just say “fuck it” and go play with sidewalk chalk and bubbles with my kid.
I’m not sure that really answered the question.
I had to redefine what success was and choose to be happy.
I feel brilliant about once every month or two. In that moment, on that day I feel that I have proven myself to be truly above and beyond, in the top 5% of what ever it is that I’m doing that prompted the feeling. The rest of the time I’m trying to keep up and/or catch up with my own life and it’s all I can do to make sure the cats are fed. (Oh god, when IS the last time I fed the cats!!!)
I had to come to the conclusion that I can be perfect for everyone else, or I can be sane, I can’t be both. My husband would rather I come to bed with him than have a kitchen floor that is scrubbed weekly. My son would rather have our long late night talks than all the dishes cleaned AND put away. If I’m going to truly nurture my family, I need to let go of the ideals of what a “good” woman is and does and just pray that what I am is enough.
And I struggle with that daily.
I could have written this, except that I’m not even “good enough” to have gotten married and had kids, so I can’t even do the PTA thing. I feel successful maybe twice a year. I’m working on making small goals so that I feel good about myself more often, but mostly I empty and small and like a lesser person than everyone else. And when I admit those feelings to anyone, I get yelled at for feeling badly about myself because I have “SO much” like a roof over my head and food and other cliches, which just makes me feel worse.
I’m exactly the same way – I have depression and anxiety as well, plus chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia which means I’m in pain 99% of the time. I’m lucky if I get a few productive days squeezed out here and there, most of the time I just want to be in bed. I know I can’t do that but it damn sure sounds like a great idea to me.
I have never been diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder or any other mental illness and I have thoughts like yours every day. I think it’s part of the idea that most of us are taught from childhood … there is always room for improvement. You can always do better. And if we stop for a minute to celebrate where we are because we think it’s a good place, there is always someone standing close by to tell us how we could be better.
Nobody is as polished or perfect as you might think. They’re just really, really good at putting on a show. They have their own shit to work through, guaranteed. We’re humans; we’re inherently flawed, no matter how great we may be at making everyone think otherwise.
And those people who are so shiny and put-together? I feel sorry for them because they have a harder job keeping their facades from cracking. I may be a mess but at least it’s an honest mess.
God- almost every week. And there are times when I am so consumed by it I can’t sleep. Meditation helps, as does the occasional evening out with friends. But it’s a damned lonely struggle sometimes, and that is just that. I wish it were different, and that the good moments lasted a bit longer- but that is beyond my control. And I think that is the crux if it- control. I have been taking that as my main challenge- to allow myself to just breathe, and not try and control everything. That helps keep the judgy voices a bit quieter. That it’s my choice to not try and be perfect, and to try and be ok with just existing and having a cereal dinner night once in a while. Keep the faith, sunshine- you are not alone.
When my husband brags about how much I do with the new baby single handedly I get super embarrassed and immediately think of everything I failed at with the baby or life because I couldn’t possibly be brag worthy.
I have depression and anxiety as well. It’s not just you.
There was a line in Neil Gaiman’s new book “The Ocean at the End of the Lane”
“You don’t pass or fail at being a person, dear.” p175
I am sad that you are suffering. You make so many people laugh.
I feel awesome every day, but not all day. I feel awesome for a few seconds each day and I struggle through the other 23 hours, 59 minutes and 57 seconds. I don’t feel behind; I feel outside of the circle. I feel like I am ALWAYS on the fringes and it doesn’t help that I am socially awkward, alone, hard to befriend, and struggling to get my books published. I thought I was the only one who felt like this until my daughter told me that she feels like it too. Then I thought, damn, I’ve passed it on.
The best way to deal with it is to compliment others — strangers, love ones, celebrities, pets, avatars — and add the words (whisper to yourself), “AND I AM, TOO.” Example: Jenny Lawson is a fantastic writer and I am, too. After a few hundred times, you won’t have to say it and after a few hundred more times you’ll actually start to believe it.
I have trouble with compliments because I always want to explain how wrong the other person is and how I am not worthy and I am just a poser, but, you know what? They just want to hear, “Thank you.” That’s it. And, it’s easy to say. Just say “thank you,” bite your lips, move on.
It is actually refreshing to know there are others out there like me. At my age, i thought my life would be very different,but shit happens. Thankfully we have you in our lives Jenny. Every time my pal and i road trip, we end up talking about you, as we search for bad taxidermy, and giant metal creatures. Much love to you.
I haven’t ever stopped to think about how many days per month I feel successful, but I do have a bad habit of making a list of “to-do’s”….then at the end of the day when I’ve only crossed off one or two of the 10-12 items I’ll look back on my day and add things to the list that I did accomplish to try to make myself feel better. So if my list was “wash the dog, grocery shop, pay bills, water the plants” and all I did was grocery shop….I might add “bring groceries home (as though I might have left them at the store????), bring groceries into the house (apparently my car is not a refrigerator), put groceries away (versus leaving them sitting on the counter???)” and I cross them off so that the list looks more “finished”…and then I feel a bit MORE like a fraud because I know I’m being ridiculous.
I posted this on twitter but I might as well double-up 🙂
IMO, life is about appreciating what you have and improving the lives of others. It seems, based off the amazing community of people you’ve created, like you do both in spades :). The public loves to use accomplishments to measure self-worth. I think that’s crap used to make me feel like I’m missing something. Marketing to make me feel like less of a person or somehow more incomplete. Working to become better is important, don’t get me wrong. But constantly thinking about the “what I should be doing” instead of enjoying the reality of life, you’re automatically missing out on something amazing.
Jenny, I don’t usually post comments. In fact, I think this is the first time I have posted a comment on a website, ever, in the history of me. But your post has completely compelled me to say this: I have two Masters degrees. And a PhD in progress. I am a qualified psychologist, though not currently in practice. I apparently have a job that Does Good Work. And I feel like you do almost every single day of my life.
My pyjamas are my wardrobe and I’m pretty sure I’ve set a record for number of days unwashed. I live imposter syndrome. And no matter what the ‘evidence’ might be for past successes, I never feel as good, successful, put together and etc as every other person in my life and in the world in general (focusing, for e.g. on what I haven’t been successful in – like finding someone to spend my life with, or having children).
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t think it’s about How Much You Do or How Put Together You Are. I think – I hope – it’s about Who You Are (even when you lie in bed all day). And I think you give us all a fairly good, honest glimpse of that through your amazing, funny, wonderful blog. I am in awe of you in much the same way you might be in awe of, or compare yourself to, others. And for these reasons: you are authentic and seriously funny. That, in my pyjama-ed opinion, means you’re doing more than ok.
(Did I mention I’m a little verbose? Sorry about that 🙂 )
Reading this post was like reading about myself. I never knew other people might really feel this way. And no matter how often I tell myself “Nobody’s life is perfect. Everyone feels the way you feel at times. This is completely normal.” I have trouble really believing it. I consider it a successful day if I actually put real clothes on (yoga pants totally count, as long as you didn’t wear them to bed the night before) and leave the house, for any reason, like just to answer the mail or check that the sky is still blue. I feel really successful when I manage to make my kids’ lunches AND actually cook dinner on the same day.
Something to remember is that all of those “perfect” people you described probably aren’t as perfect as they seem. On the outside they may seem like they have their shit together, but their shit is probably spilling out all over the place under the surface…. Which is probably really hard. Trying to put on a facade when really you’re one wrong look or comment away from blowing a gasket….
That being said, I rarely feel like I have my shit together. I always feel like people think I could be doing so much more than I am, so why aren’t I?? All that matters to me is I’m relatively happy with my life as it is, so I try not to dwell on it. I wouldn’t want to be perfect anyway. I’m sure it’s exhausting….
It’s not just you. I feel like this a lot. I saw something once that said it’s because you’re comparing other people’s highlight reels to your behind-the-scenes footage. I try to remember that, and remember that all those other people probably feel as fucked up as I do, and are maybe even looking at me thinking, “She’s got it all together, I wish I could be as non-fucked-up as she is.”
We all have our own version of ‘normal’. None of it is right and none of it is wrong. If it’s right for us, then it’s right enough. I feel good about myself most days of the month, with small pockets of crippling self-doubt almost daily that I get over very quickly. That being said, I am always wishing I was more creative, that I could draw, or write books, or even think in more original ways. We are not perfect. Whose perfect would you want to be if not your own?
Jenny, you’re asking me for my honest opinion of you and I can’t do that, because I don’t know you. I know you from what I read in your book, and when I was sitting in a hospital after a car accident, wearing a C-collar, I was practically peeing myself, which would have been awesome because then I could have just blamed it on the car accident… Anyway…. I know that you’re a brilliant writer, a hilarious person, and make parenting and marriage amusing, and after reading your books I look a lot more to the amusement of those two thing, and for that, I thank you. Here’s me being honest about me… I have suffered from anxiety disorder and remember my first panic attack at age 7. I’m now 42. 35 years is a long time to suffer from anxiety, but spending the last 12 in talk therapy has definitely helped. I know a lot of people who suffer from anxiety, and I thought they were fabulous people. The things they focused on that made them anxious, much like what you mentioned above, I never even noticed. I’m a perfectionist and nothing I do is ever good enough for me, but somehow after all this time of thinking I totally suck, my husband, kids, friends, and family still love me, so all those things I think I suck at, must not be all that important. You are brilliant, and there aren’t a whole lot of people who can make me laugh like you do. I truly admire you, wish you all the best, and look forward to your next book.
A good month is when HALF the days were days when I felt “generally [like] a successful person”.
“Getting started in the morning” is usually the biggest challenge.
Nasty, ungrateful clients (or anyone who yells and bullies me) most often cause the crashes.
Welbutrin and an amazing counselor helps; the counselor is TERRIFIC at getting me to talk Just Enough
to realize that I ALREADY KNOW the answers as to why I’m challenged by those things,
and all I have to do is Say Them Out Loud.
Echoing the other people who’ve responded: this is not just you. The most brilliant, successful, accomplished, respected people I know (though mostly women- WHY?) all feel this way. Like at any moment someone will find out that they’re just faking it.
Here’s what I do to feel accomplished at the end of the day: Make a really easy to-do list. Fill it with things like “Arrive at work around 9am” and “eat lunch” as well as the bigger tasks. And if anything comes up during the day, I make sure to add it to the list EVEN if I’ve already taken care of it. Then even if you don’t get everything done, you still have lots ticks on the list.
I’m pretty easy to fool.
And you are wonderful!
the older I get, and I am over 40 now, the more I think that everyone is completely screwed up.
Those people whose kids go to school with their lunches in segmented plastic boxes, and who wear makeup and are on the PTA and send the emails and are on church council and run marathons? Those people have their own demons. I don’t know what they look like, but they have stuff that keeps them up at night too.
This post, more than almost any other of a serious nature you have shared resonates with me. There is that one eecard meme that says: sometimes i write “put on pants today” on a sticky note, so that I at least have accomplished one thing, is the truest thing I have read. I feel like I’ve got my stuff together maybe 4 days a month. But damn, I have to work like an oompa loompa for those four days in order to get to sleep with any modicum of relief.
for serious? you are not alone in this.
Oh, honey… Just consider yourself AHEAD of the game. The objective isn’t to run around trying to accomplish EVERYTHING. That’s why yoga is still around…forever teaching those that think it is a race to slow down and just BE. Don’t get caught up in the hype. You are not inadequate. You have already accomplished more than I EVER will.
Don’t worry about messing life up. I hate to break it to you, but we are ALL fucked up in our own unique ways. You just have a knack for making your flaws more entertaining than the rest of us. See…you are already AHEAD again!
I, personally, really am taking up yoga to help with stress and anxiety. (And maybe my flabby ass.) The bonus is that you can do it all nice and locked up in the safety of your home. That, and there are yoga instructors out there these days that are just bad ass. This ain’t your grandma’s yoga. Look up Yoga Warrior 365 on Pinterest. Thank me later!
I was talking with a friend about my frustration of lack of being able to keep up with everything one day, explaining that my house is always dirty (with the exception of the cleanliness that comes from two hours of frenzy before we have company), I don’t go to the gym enough, basically that I feel like there’s never enough time in the day for me to be good at all the things I want to be good at.
She pointed out what I didn’t see: Sometimes the reason I don’t have enough time or energy for the things I’m not good at is because I’m either enjoying the things I am good at or because I am pouring time and energy into other people. How can I consider myself a failure for not having mopped my floor in weeks when I spent an hour each evening this week playing with my two-year-old? How is scrubbing windows more important than taking dinner to my friend who just had a baby? Well, to me, it’s not. I also think you have to put self-care in this same “important” category.
Some days I just have to remember that I am doing the best I can, and that I can’t do someone else’s best. It doesn’t make me feel good about myself all the time, but at least it makes me feel less bad.
I was one of those shiny, happy, put together PTA moms that you compare yourself to. It was all bullshit and, quite frankly, a beautiful and long term piece of performance art. My life was falling apart at the seams; I was in an abusive marriage (but hey! Everyone thought we were the PERFECT couple!), I was struggling with undiagnosed mental illness (ADHD and Bi-Polar 2), and I loathed myself to the point where I self mutilated (of course where no one could see). The worse things got, the shinier I was. None of us know what happens behind closed doors and it is far to easy to compare ourselves to the public masks that others wear.
Now, to answer your question: if I am productive and not a raging bitch, hiding under the covers, or staring off into space 7 days per month I feel like I have accomplished something extraordinary. I try to take it one day at a time and compare myself to neither those around me nor to myself on my best days…I usually fail miserably at that. I never, ever feel like a success and my list of what is the worst is too long to burden you or your readers with.
My ADHD meds have also not kicked in yet, so, ya know, squirrel!
All the damn time! I always wonder if I missed the “people who have their s&^t together train. I am constantly questioning and feeling like a failure. You’re not alone, and I don’t think you’re off. I think there are more people like us out there, it’s just that too many people are busy keeping up their facade.
You silly, wonderful woman! Do you really think we (I’m referring to the real people, not the shiny, crafty, on-time, waxed, tanned, and ready-for-the-next-marathon maniacs) are any better about real life? We’re not. You know what you, and I and a million other normal people are good at? Being ourselves. We are amazing mothers and fathers and friends not because we strive to keep up appearances or attend all the right meetings and always say the right thing, but because we are our authentic, fucked up, fragile and fantastic selves.
PTA – are you kidding me? It’s a damn good day if I socialize with anyone outside of my family. My kids are amazing, happy, funny, smart and they love me as hard as I love them. Me and hubby love each other, support each other, and call each other out when shit gets too weird. That, my darling, is all I need in life.
I don’t get dinner on the table at 6. I don’t scrub the toilets often enough. I sometimes forget to pay the cell phone bill. I avoid crowds and making small talk. I have chronic illness, severe anxiety and occasional depression but I’m also wicked smart, funny, and intensely loyal. I have no sense of “just being nice” – it’s the truth or nothing with me.
Please feel successful. Please know we love you – not because of how well we think you keep it all together, but because we know you are crazy just like we are.
With love,
Anna
The Internet and fake people make it so much harder for us normal people. No one has it together as their happy posts say on fb. No one bakes like on Pinterest. I totally fail on a daily basis. I have come to accept that. I’m not trying to stroke your ego or kiss your ass. I feel like I get at least one thing right a day, but I fail at a million others. I question everything I do a million times. I don’t know of anyone that is normal that doesn’t feel like they don’t screw up daily. The one person I know that doesn’t ever say she screws up has an excuse for how she is awesome and whatever went wrong is everyone else’s fault. And she is teaching her daughter to be that way too. Ugh. She is the type that I worry about. You, me and all the others that can admit we don’t get it right, we are the normal ones. I’m not on any meds right now. I was for a long whole after I had my daughter. It didn’t change anything except I didn’t have the anxiety about failing on a daily basis. I feel like a weird fan girl because I wish I could call you right now and tell you it is ok and you are doing something wonderful even when it is a failure. I want to tell you that you helped me help a friend the other day when she told me about her sister. You don’t fail so many places and in so many lives and don’t even know it. And that’s the part that none of us think about. When we fail, we really aren’t in a way. We teach our daughters and sons that it is ok to be wrong and to not be perfect. We help someone we don’t even know help someone else. It is the perfect ones that don’t learn. They don’t see the struggles beyond the excuses. The lesson is lost on them. You and me and all the others that fail, we will keep on keeping on and learning and growing and failing at something new everyday. That sounds bad and hopeless but I don’t know how else to say it. It’s not really. It’s totally ok and what we are supposed to be doing. I think I rambled a bit so I hope this isn’t just garbage. Man, I think I totally effed this….ugh. I will resist the urge to delete it because I think there is at least one or two things that make sense.
So I didn’t know that Imposter Syndrome was a real thing – I thought that was just me.
I get 2-4 motivated, productive, successful, “kick ass” days every 4 months. It amounts to about 15 days a year. It’s such a small amount of time that I dismiss these kick ass days as false, as an undeserved glitch in the system.
It’s not just you. I have these thoughts all day, every day. It’s extremely difficult to muster the energy to do anything because of the failure feelings. It’s not just you.
That being said, I only have one trick to possibly help…and it only works for me about 5% of the time. I have a really simple list (read, write, prepare food, exercise, no mindless tv) and every day I try to accomplish one thing on the list. If I can do one thing, then I try to think of it as a successful day. Of course, the negative thoughts say that these are all very simple and that I should be able to accomplish all of them every day, which is why the trick only works 5% of the time.
Good luck.
Not just you. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or bi-polar. (Though I have suspicions.) I’ve finally decided that adults just pretend that we have it all together. Three or four days a month sounds about right. There are times when I’m kicking ass at work for a couple of weeks; and everything else in my life comes to a screeching halt.
I think most of adulthood is made up of faking it. Everyone you see who seems so together? They’re faking it. The only difference is that some are able to put on a better front than others.
I just turned 40 and I still have no clue what I’m doing.
First of all, I don’t have ADD or suffer from depression. At least not that I’m aware of. I have slowly become more and more hermit-y and insecure. When I was 18 I lived abroad, spent most of my time on my own, meeting new people. Now, I will rarely go anywhere other than work without my husband. I don’t answer my door and I turn down invitations because I don’t feel up to the ‘front’ I feel I need to put on for other people.
I think if we all take a really close look at those ‘shiny’ people we are striving to be like, we will see that they are struggling as much as we are.
I hate what the media does to us as wives, mothers, women….humans! They portray these outrageous ideals of what we should be and it’s just not realistic. If I’m still breathing at the end of the day; I consider it a win. Anything else that is accomplished is just a bonus.
I do not suffer from mental illness (at least I have no official diagnosis 😉 ) but I do suffer from a few chronic illnesses (diabetes, heart disease, arthritis) and while I look completely healthy (and am for the most part) these illnesses exhaust me in a way that so many do not understand. After my heart attack at age 42, I took off my superwoman cape and hung it up. I miss it. I trot it out about 7 days a month. Those are the days that I totally kick ass and accomplish everything on my to do list.
As you can see, you’re not alone. It’s time to reclaim our ability to just ‘be’. It’s also time to accept that we are who we are and that there is no cape needed to be worthy individuals.
Wow.
Just.
Wow.
I’m sitting here BAWLING because it’s like you crawled into my head and said exactly what I’m the most afraid to ever admit.
I don’t have any words of advice. I don’t have any lovely sentiments to make it better. I wish I knew how to show you how much you contribute and give to people and how much your days are worth, even when you don’t feel like they are – because I know that people try to show that to me and I just can’t see or feel it and I HATE that. I hate that on so many levels I can see myself as I must appear to an outsider but at the same time I just want to scream “CAN’T YOU SEE THAT IT’S ALL JUST A LIE. I’M A FAKE. A FRAUD. I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH AND I WILL NEVER BE OKAY SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM ME.” I feel like anyone who gets to know me will immediately see right through me, call me a burden and run away…because why would they want to put up with this pathetic mess of a person I am? I can’t do anything..and when I do things…it’s rarely if ever GOOD enough…to me..or to anyone else…so what the hell is the point?
I guess I’d say about the same as you…maybe 3-5 days a month of…good. And at that…maybe not even the ENTIRE day. There are still cracks on those days where I almost fall apart but somehow manage to keep myself afloat. So. Here goes my list. I haven’t washed my hair in four days. I can’t remember the last time I managed to put on makeup. I haven’t finished unpacking from moving continents five (gulp) years ago. I hire people to do work I could do because I can’t face it..even though I know they’ll never do it up to my standards (that are probably unachievable.) I’ve got seventeen projects on the go that I’ll likely never finish. I’m on multiple boards of things that I sometimes make meetings to..because I feel like I *have* to and then I end up resenting and getting stressed out about them and taking on more work I’ll never be able to do. I’m terrified to tell anyone in my “real life” my issues except for my doctor. I’ve refused to call back about a psyc referral my doctor set up that I’ve been waiting on for 8 months to talk about my depression, anxiety, etc. because my anxiety is so high when I pick up the phone that I literally drop it and curl into a ball. I pushed away my two best friends who years ago would have done everything and anything for me because I couldn’t face being this broken. I’ve destroyed so many relationships that I’ve mostly convinced myself that’s what I deserve because everyone will use me, hate me or run away from me…eventually. I am the queen of faking it through a day and then crying in the dark about how I have accomplished nothing and that my life is going no where and is a total waste – and then it just cycles into a spiral about how I SHOULD be grateful for ALL of the AMAZING things that I have at my fingertips and how if I could just REACH OUT for them I could have SO much and DO so much with my life…but instead I’m just this pathetic mess who can’t snap out of it and will never be anything…and then I hate myself even more.
So. I don’t really know what to say. Except that I’m here…and I get it. And I wish that neither of us did.
I only surpass you in “being successful” by a few days a month. I get bogged down so easily that nothing ever seems to get done. You are absolutely right in your guess that “no one ever talks about it.” There are many of us who think we will be found out that we aren’t really smart, witty, or talented. I know I get that way – a LOT – but then I realize that’s only when the only voice I hear is my own.
I feel successful 3-4 days a month as well. The rest of the time I’m just going though the motions of work and food and sleep. I plan to do a lot of things and then never start them. I used to have imposter syndrome but have recently gotten better at handling compliments cause I have just overall felt better about what’s being complimented. I feel the worst when it’s the end of the day and I’ve relized that I haven’t done anything but go through the motions. The worst of the worst is when it breaks me down to tears. Most of what I do to feel a more successful is tackling a relatively small task that I’ve put off, like doing a bunch of laundry or cleaning off my desk. In a new effort to bump myself up, I’ve decided to quit work at the end of the year and go back to school next semester. It’s a bunch of art classes which is all blood and tears but it’s what I’m best at.
PS: This illustration might help http://fancakesforbreakfast.tumblr.com/post/59485503238/zenpencils-bill-watterson-a-cartoonists
This post has me thinking hard. I don’t recall feeling successful very often. When I do it’s usually because of some big event that seldom occurs. My days seem to slip by, but I do feel thankful every night. That could be a form of success, maybe?
Jenny,
I am a nearly 50 year old male, am single, have a pretty good job, and am a fairly prolific poet. I give that info just as a brief bio on me because, well, it seemed like the thing to do.
Your post actually brought some tears to my eyes, which is really embarrassing because I am at work and the phone repair guy just walked in to tell me he was done fixing something and now I look like a complete doofus.
I feel the need to respond to you from two perspectives. The first is why you are a lot more of a success than you give yourself credit for.
Success is too often defined as being about money or being the president of some company, but I look at you as having success written all over yourself (Someone take away Jenny’s crayons!). You are married to someone who you seem to love dearly and who loves you back. You have a wonderful daughter. You make millions of people smile on a regular basis. You have made Beyonce the Chicken a household name. And you have raised awareness on some important issues, too, such as mental illness and body-image, among others.
I am betting there are other things that define you as a success, too, but onto the other perspective I want to write about – that you are not alone.
Like I said, I am nearly 50. I have never been married and often struggle to even find someone who will give me a shot at a relationship. I’m not a bad looking guy. I have a job. But I often struggle with a sense that I am simply a failure in some way that I can’t identify. This makes me feel very alone.
And in some health issues that most people wouldn’t see from looking at me, but have effected me in a variety of ways, a struggle sometimes in dealing with depression and anxiety, and a touch of shyness and lack of confidence, and you have someone who looks at his life and thinks he has failed in too many ways. Is my life just about going through the motions of working, going to the gym, writing, listening to music, and watching Stewart and Colbert? Am I destined to being alone? Am I going to suffer worse health issues and have no one to help me through them to boot!?
I don’t want to make this about me, but I feel like it is the only way I, Scott, can say you are not alone. I am guessing you will receive thousands of other responses like mine.
So there you go. I think you matter a lot more in the world and are a lot more successful then you lend credence to yourself for. I also think you are far from alone in feeling like a lost puppy … or kitten or squirrel or animal of your choice.
I have successful moments, not successful days, or weeks, or years. For as much as I’ve accomplished in the past year and in the past several years in my life (3 years suicide free this month!), I still look back at moments from Elementary school where I made a stupid mistake like trying to cut out of class early, or shouting out of turn (I’m 33.) One wrong thing can shatter a day of fabulous. Saturday my boss fired someone, and I had a panic attack on the following Tuesday because I was afraid I was next (no basis for it because he told me I was awesome, but still.) I’ve had close friends decide to ditch me recently because I’m too boisterous and outgoing when in certain social situations. All of these things break me and shake me to the core, and make me wonder why the people who do continue to swirl in my life still swirl there. I have hidden from my friends and family pretty much all summer because I can’t bear the thought of being the person they expect me to be, and letting them down when I don’t want to be that person they want. So I stay home, and sew, and watch television, and post on facebook (and blogs of people I admire like you.)
The other night, I finished a quilt top, did IT work, baked, cooked a meal for my parents, then got on my motorcycle and went to visit with friends who were reenacting the 18th century at a local Fort. Riding the motorcycle home, I realized that I am one of a very small populous of hand quilting,cooking,IT, Motorcycle women. I don’t think I’ve met another one. And that, was what made me get up the next morning. To know that I am the only one of ME in this world. Just like you are the only one of YOU. Who else could write about crazy taxidermy stories, or wear an awesome red dress while dressing taxidermied animals in a myriad of clothing. I mean, my dad’s a hunter and all, and he puts Christmas ornaments on his 10 point buck’s antlers during the holiday….but I couldn’t do that.
It took a lot for me to realize that I was the only me, and how important I was in the small grand scheme of the world. And not every day equates to me feeling that. Many days I am like you, wondering if I am as fantastic as people say I am. But I find one small thing that I did, or that happened to help make me feel that much less of a failure. Even if its as small as – Hey, I got out of bed today!, or “Hey! I changed the toilet paper roll instead of just sitting the TP on the sink!” Its still an accomplishment. And some days, its just as simple as my cat snuggling against me. Because we all know, cats are great judges of character.
You are not alone in this darkness. Its a good thing we all have our inner light to show to one another.
HUGS to you.
I’m just going to reiterate what I can imagine is the general consensus of the comments: we are all basket cases. People on fb are all liars( even the ones I love) some people are just either really good at hiding their imperfections or not brave enough to expose them. (Same thing?) bottom line, what other people portray as their perfect life is irrevelant & frankly just bs… NO ONE loves PTA. but when you can’t look yourself in the mirror & see what most likely is a wonderful person then yes you need more help. No one as funny as you deserves to go so many days without just saying “hey, I am pretty bad ass” because you are. I find myself comparing my qualities to others & that’s just a slippery slope so why bother? I’ve screwed up but they’ve done shit too. I just take some deep breaths & make sure I’m not reacting to infrasound
It is not just you. And you captured exactly why I am not on Facebook or Pinterest or join the PTA.
Since you’ve asked, personally, I’m doing a lot better since I shifted to a SAHM. I have more good days than bad. I take a lot more joy in small successes (gardening, canning, happy kids, happy husband). A change for the better for me came when I decided to actively work to be as kind to myself as I am to others. Kindness and forgiveness is something we deserve, but not something we often give ourselves. Try to be kinder to yourself.
Also, although I’ve been categorized as high functioning and high performing, I often feel like a fraud, too. And on those days my mantra is “Fake it till you make it.” (For the record, I’m still in pajamas at 3pm, but I put a bra on, so I think it’s ok). LOL!! Hang in there and thank you for your honesty and your insight.
YES. I often feel like this – I also know you aren’t looking for “OMG, you’re doing fine!” so hopefully, this little tidbit is useful!
So, I have anxiety. Like, whoa. It comes to a head about every 3 years or so, where everything is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. I’ve been dealing with it for a long time (as long as I’ve been born) but for every three years, there is one year of impossible. And so now I’ve developed a lovely cycle. And it always likes to dance around with depression. Yay, right? Now, this advice sounds A LOT easier than it really is. In fact, most people are going to be all like, “really? That’s it?” but trust me – it’s not perfect, and it takes a lot of work and I’m still perfecting (hah) it.
Do stuff. Fill your time. Fill it full of impossible hobbies, volunteer work (this one is extra bonus points), extra degrees, etc. This probably is not a fit for everyone, but it has really helped me. Anxious brains get anxious when there is nothing to do but think about how anxious you are. Slowly but surely, I have found that the more I volunteer, work in things that actually matter to me (though, unfortunately makes me poor), and schedule each day to do something, even if it isn’t “accomplishing” anything, really helps to settle my brain. And if you can’t do that one thing today? Do something else. I’ve started doing stuff that makes other people reliant on me (Hey, you have to be at the print shop by 10am!), that way, it’s harder to let myself off the hook. These are the hardest things, but if you are looking for a sense of accomplishment, it is facing the monster in your brain like this head on. Even if it is only 3-4 days a month. Pretty much cognitive therapy, but I’ve literally made my work, and daily schedule into one big cognitive therapy session.
So yea, do that and you’ll be fine!
No really, though, it’s something I’ve been trying to balance for 10 years (doing too much, not doing anything with any purpose, etc), and I know it will never be perfect, and I know that anxious monster in my brain will always try to lie to me, but it’s been the best medicine by far.
Love you are not alone. I am sure there are a lot of us who feel the way you do and we don’t take drugs or have disorders. I know I don’t and I feel the way you do a lot and I am always smiling and laughing. But I have my days were I feel like I am nothing and have accomplished nothing. Heck there are times I think that I suck at being a mom because I don’t do the PTA thing and that when my oldest was getting bullied in her old school that I didn’t do enough.
I’ve come to realize a lot of it is hormone related (hello 40’s….meet perimenopause). I get about 8 days a month to feel awesome, ten days to feel normal, and about 12 a month that I simply have to survive. Thankfully I have figured out how to watch the calendar to manage those glitchy days. I don’t volunteer, schedule anything stressful, etc. on those days.
Hang in there and just work hard to make those kick ass ninja days REALLY productive. 🙂
Screw the undamaged. They are uninteresting and boring, living carbon copy lives of television show agendas. Do I ever feel productive? No. I feel like I battle against a tide of personal demons and each day I don’t succumb (or succumb not quite as badly as I might), I am my own hero.
I feel like during senior year in high school, there should be an assembly and the principal should come in and just say, “Look, we’re all fucking winging it. Adults don’t know shit. Some think they do and they’re wrong. I wanted to be a chef but I now I am a principal and every day I wonder how the fuck I got here. Don’t look to the 1% of the 1% who are on TV or have achieved some level of fame. Try to make less mistakes than yesterday and more interesting mistakes tomorrow. You cannot get life wrong because it’s YOUR life and there’s never been another you so your journey is your own.” But they won’t do that, sadly.
If you like checklists, start by checking off one thing everyday: “Successfully operated the ventilation and circulatory system of a wildly complex and confusing piece of machinery during previous 24-hour period, non-stop. Also, wine.”
Whew, actually this post made me feel better, because here you are successful in your own way, and I can’t even put my shoes on the right way most days. Forget selling a painting, I don’t even have motivation to work on my Art most days, is that called Artist’s Block?
This post made me feel better, because I know I am fucked up, and I am not the only one.
As for Pastel people, I am usually surprised that people we know who seem to have such perfect lives, have their own issues, they are just better at hiding it.
I often feel the same way – it’s very hard for me to take compliments, and I often feel like I’m just pretending I know what I’m doing. It’s the constant undertow of depression/anxiety/add/etc – it’s always there, but the difference is whether I can resist the undertow or if it is too strong for me. Raising meds may help somewhat – I raised my meds recently because I felt like for me it doesn’t so much change the type of thoughts I have (that I’m messing up, that people don’t ACTUALLY like me, that I’m just pretending to be competent) but it changes the power they have over me. I can say to myself “Yep, you’re having one of those negative/obsessive/fearful/etc thoughts, but what you are thinking is NOT true and you just need to set it aside and do what needs to be done.” Before raising the meds I tried to do that, but more often than not I ended up sinking.
But yeah. I feel that way too. The thing that helps me the most when I’m really fighting the undertow is talking about it. Whether to one good friend or posting on FB – I get these thoughts out of my head and out into the light of day. When I most want to go hide under the covers I force myself to reach out. And in return, I get this outpouring of love and support from my friends. And blogs like yours are part of the reason I found the courage to do that.
Slowly I am learning to take the good days as a gift and accept the bad days as a reality – because i know both will come, and both will go, no matter what I do. So even if it’s just a few days a month where you feel like you kicked ass, enjoy them. And remember on the other days – those kickass days will come again.
Amanda Palmer says fuck the fraud police. I know you’ve probably already seen this, but just as a reminder: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eA8XiC3m7vw
And the transcript: http://www.theshadowbox.net/forum/index.php?topic=18041.0
I feel the fraud police on my shoulder most of the time. And I’ve come to accept that most days I am grateful just to get through. Your count of 3-4 days a month seems about right to me. Sometimes I waver throughout the day though. If I actually do something that seems to mean something, I may feel good about it for a few minutes, but by the end of the day, I’ve forgotten all the little things I’ve done that may have mattered.
Thank you for saying what i have been trying to say. I maybe get 10 good days in a month tops recently. some days i’m not sure what to count them as its so routine, i wasn’t a good day but i didn’t kill anyone either. i just sort of exist. I know its the depression, i know its the anxiety, i know its the ridiculous, i know my husband and kid love me.. i know its all in my head. i know we’ll get through it.
Jenny, I can tell you I’m probably one of those people you see on Facebook that seem all shiny and happy and successful, and you know what? I’m JUST like you. The same. Very few people know it, but luckily, the ones that do are supportive and awesome and will tell me stupid things to make me laugh.
No method of improvement has been foolproof for me, other than slowly learning to get excited about what I’m able to do, not what I didn’t do. Instead of “All I did today was go to the bank and I’m wearing yoga pants that have toothpaste on them,” it becomes “I went to the MOTHERFUCKING BANK, BITCHES, and my $9.37 check is the BEST one they’ve seen all day! Plus I got a SUCKER!”
Stay strong. You’re alive, and have a cool kid and husband, and some days those might be the only wins you’ve got. But they ARE wins, and you recognize the importance of that. You’re farther ahead than you realize.
I’m terribly interested in the responses you get from this, as I sadly have considered the fact that I showered two days ago an immense accomplishment. Or the fact that yesterday, I vaguely picked up my house and managed to at least get all the garbage into one sack and onto the back porch (still hasn’t made it to the actual dumpster, but little steps…..right?) I *know* for a fact that this is not the definition (or the correct definition, anyway) of success, but for me, it’s all I can point to and be somewhat reassured that I still belong in the human race. I’m pretty sure that it is not normal. Here’s hoping some other reader will have something more tangible, some better idea of how to *be* better? As for me, it’s honestly kind of a relief to know that it’s not just me, which I know sounds selfish and awful, but there ya go. This didn’t really help you out at all, did it? I guess what I meant to try and say is that you are not alone, and there has to be more than the two of us out there with these creeping thoughts of failure as a human in general, which means there also has to be a solution of some kind??? Right?? (desperately hoping there is a better answer out there somewhere….)
I feel like this everyday. I get up, work, go to bed. I feel like I simply exist. Breathe in, breathe out. No husband, no kids. Can’t take a compliment to save my life. You are definitely NOT alone. 99% of those people on FB, Pinterest, etc, just make their lives look that way to make themselves feel better. So, if that’s what works for them so be it. Just know we’re all out here too feeling the same way. Sending love and hugs!
You are OKAY!!! Just do what you can and enjoy your life. It’s not a race. Everyone feels like this at least some of the time. Take care of yourself and those you love, the rest of the stuff isn’t all that important in the grand scheme of things. Kind thoughts & hugs!
I think it’s a matter of prioritizing. I washed my hair this morning because I care about clean hair but I didn’t dress like I gave a poop because… who’s looking, really? I’ve read all the Season 3B spoilers for Teen Wolf, but I do not know what all this Syria hubbub is about (and I am very intentionally ignoring it because I can only handle so much negative before I overload).
The key to my sanity, I have found, is prioritizing. Because otherwise, I feel like a failure for not addressing or completing every thought or idea in my brain. Maybe just try picking out the stuff that matters and try not to feel bad about (or just completely ignore!) the stuff that doesn’t.
Oh, shit, dude, I don’t even know the last time I sat back at the end of the day and thought, “nailed it.” Most times, I fall asleep in the middle of making promises to myself about all the things I’m going to do better tomorrow. Some of which I break within 5 minutes of waking up. I think just about everyone I know is more together and better at life-ing than I am. But I also operate on the theory that I am THE MOST average person in the world. So if that’s true of me, then it’s probably true of most people.
Oh my god. Seriously. I just told my therapist Tuesday that it is taking EVERYTHING I have to just get through the fucking day. I don’t have anything left for PTA. It takes me two days to recover from a trip to the goddamn grocery store. My health sucks, I’m always exhausted, I can’t sleep, and if I do physically feel well enough to get anygoddamnthing accomplished, then half of that time I spend beating myself up over what I didn’t do or haven’t done or have no fucking intention of doing. I am trying really, really hard to take better care of myself and do some things differently. For instance: It’s okay to say no. That is really hard for me to do sometimes, because I don’t want people to think I’m just a hateful bitch, but sometimes I REALLY need to just be quiet and be by myself. It takes so much energy to be around people and do normal things, like talk to the dentist or pay the electric bill. Those things are hard for me. And I’m ashamed of it. And I spend all my time trying to hide that those things are hard and that I’m ashamed so I have no extra time or energy to do those stupid things anyway. Fuck those things. On a positive note (I guess) I have been doing things for myself lately because my therapist says I’m worth it and she says its homework and it feels fucked up to pay someone to give me homework, but ohwell. I’ve been writing, listening to music really loud, making all sorts of things, painting, you name it. It feels good while I’m doing it. Then I see the kids picking their school clothes out of the volcano on the couch and it feels like I fucked up. Again. Also I started only working while the kids are at school so when they get home I have time for coloring and talking, which is good. This comment is all over the place. Sorry. I still love you. Even though you’re a fuckup. Dammit, I just realized I fucked up this comment. How many days do I feel I accomplished what I wanted? If I got 5 in a month it’d be amazing. How many days do I feel like I can’t take it anymore and I just stare at a wall and cry? At least 2 but up to 5. How many days do I get the basics done, like feeding my kids and making sure they shower and feel like that’s success? The rest (I’m not good at math).
As seeing that the majority feel similar I can safely say that just wrecking my house with an attempt to clean out my closet, and contents of sed closet are strune about the house making everything worse than it was before I took everything out and then becoming so overwhelmed that all I ended up doing was sweeping off the back porch and then washing some dishes before I took a bath and passed out in my bed, the little I did, or the mess that I made was at least one something, and that’s good enough for me……I don’t have time to be a perfect plastic person.
I grew up in the pastel family you talked about. We had fancy dinner dishes and recycling containers, and though my mother wasn’t a PTA mom, everyone who knew us “knew” that we had a homemade dinner every night and the picture perfect family. It was funny, because we were all just raised to be brilliant actors and our lives weren’t different from anyone elses. My mother, though she was never diagnosed, most certainly suffers from some level of depression and agorophobia. She is incapable of leaving the house on her own.
I can’t tell you how many people have told me how jealous they are of my “perfect” family.
Though I am an adult now with a “successful” job and “bright” future, I go to bed most days wondering where the time went and feeling guilty about the fact that I have three weeks worth of dirty clothes spread around my apartment. My mental to do list is always always always longer than my mental daily accomplishments list. I read once that everyone is winging it, and I try to remind myself that I could be doing a lot worse, and people that appear to be doing better are probably just better at hiding how average they are actually doing. After years of being told my life is perfect, I’ve come to realize that no one’s is.
The pretty put-together people? You only see a part of their life. Just like they only see a part of theirs. You can’t see their dirty car or fridge full of take out or whatever at a PTA meeting. You can only see the outside, at that moment – not anything inside them, or earlier in the day, or later that night. Someone could look at you and think: man, she has a great kid, an understanding husband, she blogs AND is a successful writer; what the hell have I done, living alone with my cats doing boring office work I hate…she’s so much better than me! And they’d be wrong, not because you aren’t amazing, but because they don’t see the unpacked boxes or the anxiety, or that people around them only see their smiling face and the apparent ‘freedom’ of being single. .
Sorry for focusing on that part of your post, but I see it a lot. People see the superficial put-togetherness of the people around them and assume that translates into 100% success always and everywhere, and that’s NOT TRUE. Its something that took me a long time to understand, and I still fall prey to that sort of false equivalence.
So yeah. Other people feel like frauds or they don’t have their shit together (I am one of them). Far more people than you will ever see.
You can’t compare yourself to other people.
I think you need to give yourself a break. You can’t be all things to all people. Maybe today you can just say, this is me, can’t change that, I can always improve, BUT, I like just who I am!!! You make thousands of people laugh lift us up when were down, whats not to like? And who cares that other people seem to have a better grip on their ‘perfect life’, they have their shit too, they just hide it better. Plus by you sharing your craziness you just make me and everybody else comfortable in our own. So like I said Give Yourself a Break! You should love Jenny like the rest of us do! <3
completely relate. I feel like a fraud at least 90% of the time. Just this wknd a friend said to me “you’re one of the most wonderful people I know” and I rolled my eyes. I feel like I’m failing at work, at relationships, as a daughter, sister, person. I have a masters degree, a good job at an impressive big-name company, lots of friends, a nice home, etc, but feel as though I have accomplished nothing in life and will be found out any day now. Living in a house of cards. I, too, have depression and anxiety. And even though I am so, so, so much better than I was a year ago I still feel like a loser who doesn’t know “how to do” life.
to feel better I turn to music. or clean out my closet. I think organizing my closet makes me feel in control of something. Sometimes I make a list in my head of my accomplishments and try to accept that *I* really did do those things and I should take credit for them. But it’s a constant struggle.
It’s not just you. I’ve been in a spiral lately, but even when I was productive and working, I always felt like a fraud. I was fighting with my husband the other night, and we both decided that being an adult is hard, and we quit. Neither of us has figured out how to quit adulting without quitting life, though, so we’re stuck. Dammit. What I’m trying to say, though, is that there are days where I feel successful because I did the dishes. Nothing else, just the dishes. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one fighting this. Thank you.
It’s not often that I could honestly say – I could have written that exact same post The Bloggess wrote today. (my less has significantly less taxidermy). But what you said today – soul sisters.
but I’m not very good at being a person
You are so not alone in this. I am a very successful university professor and I feel like this all the time! I have the bestest son on the entire planet and a terrific husband of 21 years, a published author, a home owner, etc…. And I still feel like that, all the time.
You are not alone.
You are not alone! I feel successful…um…sometimes… possibly. Let’s face it, I think most moms fall in the category of “not horrible but not great maybe kinda meh” mom on most days. So while I feel like a sham mom (as opposed to shamwow!), I can usually push past that mental linebacker.
Trying to be a “real” artist is where I can really get bogged down. Mostly, I keep moving the goal posts on success.
“Real artists do ______” Except I never let myself feel like a “real” artist for more than 5 seconds after reaching that goal. “Sold a bunch of artwork! Yeah, but it was to a friend so it doesn’t count.” “Lookit me! I’m using oil paints! Yeah, like an amateur.”
I could paint all day, and it never feels like I’ve done enough work.
Maybe one day I’ll get to the point where I will feel successful. For now, I try to shape that feeling of failure into a driving force and tamp it down to manageable as opposed to overwhelming.
You are not alone. *hugs*
Oh honey, I know these feels. Some days I feel like I’ve accomplished miracles just by emptying the dishwasher or taking out the trash. I’m 43 and still wondering when I’m going to actually feel like a grown-up who has her shit together. Mucho hugses to you!
Only the truly psychotic or deeply annoying are happy every day.
But I do share the feeling you are describing.
Perhaps embrace this feeling as part of the absurdity of being human.
I have no idea what I am doing most of the time. Nothing is ever set, I will ALWAYS wonder* what the hell I am doing and if it is the right thing to do. That is the new normal, the new status quo.
The one thing that always springs to my mind is something along the lines of: Human beings are the only animals who don’t know how to just be themselves. Maybe we can be ourselves, and just include the “not knowing what the hell I’m doing right now” into our every day self.
*F’ing grreeeaaattttt, right? I’ll be hiding under my bed.
You are 100% normal in thinking those things. Or at least I hope you are because I feel that way too. Why is it so much easier for everyone else to make it to the dry cleaners, make a decent dinner AND have a clean house?! I can barely do one of those things. Once a month I get some of the back log of things on my never ending to do list completed and it makes me feel good until I see the rest of the things on my list or realize I’ll just have to start most of these tasks over in a week or so anyway. I think the key is not looking at the individual tasks that are getting done/not done but that you’re living. You’re making it through each day and spending each day with your daughter. The stuff that matters is getting done. So what if there’s a pile of papers on your desk thats been there for months. All those PTA moms probably have a stack of papers or dusty boxes somewhere too. You just don’t see them. I try to make lists and include really easy stuff on them. It makes you feel accomplished when you cross something off that list and see that you really are being a productive member of society. The only downside to the list making is if you do have a bad day and don’t cross anything off, then it does make you feel that much worse. Or it may motivate you to take a shower because at least you can cross that sucker off the list.
You are in the same boat as most of us. “Seem” being the operative word about other people seeming to have their shit together. I’m taking care of my mom for a living, and every time someone tells me I’m a “good daughter” I just want to tell them how much I suck at this.
I don’t have any good remedies for this, except vacation usually works for me. Getting away is terribly horribly complicated difficult, but it gives my brain a chance to reset from the depressive crapola that inundates my life when I’m at home with mom.
How often do I feel like life is good or I’m good at life? MOMENTS here and there. It’s tough, but actually recognizing them is the first challenge. Love you, sweetie.
Many hugs from your humble servant in WA.
Everyone has days they don’t wash their hair and dusty boxes in the corner of the basement. And the most put-together people that you know, the ones who couldn’t possibly have a speck of dirt anywhere on themselves or their things? Their problems are all internalized, those boxes and oily hair are in their souls. Just look at the Kennedys.
I feel accomplished most days, but that’s because I’m a teacher. After many many years of floundering, I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up, and now I’m finally doing it. Even the most frustrating days with students are good days. That said, there are many nights when I go to bed and can’t sleep because I am freaking out about real and imagined problems facing me. Even a good day can end very poorly.
And I still haven’t unpacked boxes from when I moved into my house four years ago. Dust doesn’t begin to describe it.
You’re going to get a lot of this, so I’m sure I’m only adding to the din unnecessarily, but:
You are one of the people at whom I look and say “She is kicking so much more ass than me, and I need to try harder if I don’t want to continue to spend the rest of my life feeling like such a fucking failure.” My day job as a web developer is eating most of my soul, the freelance web-dev projects I take on the side are eating the rest, and my family’s financial situation is such that I currently am in no position to stop doing either in order to focus on my writing … and it is pretty much only on those very rare occasions when I do actually write/post something seemingly worthwhile that I feel like I’ve kind-of sort-of kicked a wee bit o’ ass. So almost never.
And despite being determined for many years to write a memoir, I haven’t written word one.
So, in answer to your question: The number of days per month when I truly feel like I’ve kicked ass averages less than 1. I’m 43, spending every day sitting in a cubicle, and I hear the clock of life ticking exponentially louder, drowned out only by the voice in my head that constantly tells me that my visions of a successful — both personally and financially — life as a writer, which I once felt 100% certain would be a reality, are a total mirage, and that I am a complete and utter failure.
I, too, suffer from depression, and ADD, and the Wellbutrin can only do so much to mitigate my disgust with what I’m doing with my life and my apparent inability to force myself to change it all.
Everything’s relative. In my eyes, you have a level of talent and a degree of professional success that make me green with envy.
How’s that for honest?
Fortunately, I still have enough soul left to be genuinely and extremely happy for you instead of bitterly jealous and spiteful. But, you know … there’s still time. 😉
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to pretending I’m working here in my cubicle …
You are most definitely NOT the only person who feels that way. I have to wonder if the feeling you described is normal & some people are just better at hiding it.
In a typical month, I feel truly successful maybe 2 or 3 days. Like you, I constantly feel like I’m treading water, barely keeping afloat.
The thing that makes me feel the worst is when I spend time around people who have their shit together more than I do. I wonder why I can’t get as much done as them or why I can’t cook as well or keep my house as clean or be as patient w/ my kiddo. When I start asking myself those questions, the amount of failures seems so overwhelming, I just give up on myself completely.
As for a way to feel more successful, I really don’t know how to do that. There are just those lucky occasions where I accomplish something I’ve wanted to get done for awhile and I feel really good. Sometimes I think back to my crazy childhood and think “at least I’m doing THIS better than my parents” and that makes me feel somewhat better. Overall, just being able to celebrate an accomplishment makes the failures seem a little smaller.
maybe two times a month. I work outside of the home in a demanding job that isn’t always 9-5 Monday through Friday. I have NEVER been in PTA but I’m awful good at writing checks. I don’t volunteer for anything and when I do I immediately regret it. I like being home. I like quiet time. I like that my family supports my need to have time where I’m just a sloth, and a lazy sloth at that. It has taken me years to decide that if I don’t want to do something and it isn’t critical to the general well being of me or my family, I don’t do it and I refuse to feel bad about it.
And I don’t care if you have physical or mental health issues, either – everybody feels this way. If someone is judging you, screw ’em. I don’t have enough time or energy to judge the choices/decisions/life of others unless it violates a basic human right like child abuse or murder or whatever. If they want to judge me, I’m jealous they have the time/energy, but they don’t have to live in my house with my people and animal or be me, ever. What I “lack” I make up for in other generally positive things.
Once when I was feeling particularly like a big fat failure at everything a therapist told me (yes, I have mental health issues as well) that the people that live the shiny lives and can’t admit or share their feelings of failing, falling behind, self-esteem, etc., are the people that are ready to crack and fall apart with no way to put themselves back together. I don’t want to be that person – I want to be able to put it back together – and frequently have to – even if that means I’m not a shiny PTA mom that brings the homemade smorgasbord (Swedish, sorry) of dessert treats made without any allergens but still tasty with my makeup and hair salon-pretty and fully accessorized. I’d rather laugh and cry with the people that get me than spend a lot of time alone in the bathroom worrying about how other people perceive me.
Whew, sorry. The short story is, you’re not just fine, you’re normal. You just have different demons to battle and you’re healthy enough to bring them out in the open and ask for help dealing with them. That’s the kind of friend I want to have/be!
I am having one of those days too. My 8 and 9 year old are playing inside today because my butt has not left the couch and Fb is my only friend who understands me. To boot….my phone rang 4 times today and rather then answer it….ok….I never even looked at the caller ID…..after the last call left a message on my machine I picked up my hand held, turned it on and tossed it under a couch cushion so I don’t have to listen to the beep, beep, beep sound. I will pat myself on the back, however, for taking care of my kids today. When they needed something like a meal or a moment to tell me something funny I animate myself and smile long enough for them not to catch on. I need to do this every once in a while just to make it through the crazy days that lie ahead of me. By the way….I am convinced the PTA people are either Martians or on some kind of medication because no ones life is that perfect! NO ONE. I call their BS.
I feel like I kicked-ass as a human being about 4 or 5 days a month. The rest of the time I, too, feel like I’m just faking it OR not even faking it, just completely failing. Most nights I lie in bed and think about what an asshole I was that day and how I can’t even stand myself, so how do other people even like me. I know I’m decent at my job (teaching 3rd grade, god help those kids!), my family and boyfriend love me, my cat likes me sometimes, but I just don’t feel like I’m good enough for any of that — like I just don’t deserve it somehow. I only drag my ass out of bed and do what I have to do that day because if I don’t, it might be my last day. But those 4 or 5 days when I kicked life’s ass, I kicked it good! And I feel what I believe is joy. And so far, it’s been enough to stick around. You are not the only one, Jenny. xxo
I feel like this a lot, and I have mild depression and ocd at the most. I constantly feel like an awful parent because I’m not taking my kids to a park or play group or music lessons every day. It’s hard. My wife had post partum that bloomed into full on depression and anxiety (or was brought out by the post partum) and she struggles with the same things you do. She is s veterinarian. She will save animals lives, even police dogs, and come home feeling awful. I think you are normal and those pinterest moms are the exception. You are not alone in this.
First off, I think if you went into any of those PTA mom’s homes and got to know them enough to get them to let their guard down you would find that many of them feel like they are just treading water too, and only on the PTA because it’s what you do to keep up appearances……
I think I feel successful more when there are tangible results. Like I get up and feel like a loser because there is laundry everywhere, so I take all the laundry and sort it in the laundry room. I may never even complete a load, but I took step one and sorted. Or I feel like a loser because I didn’t make dinner so I bake a batch of pre-made cookie dough. Something where there are results you can look at. Just a thought….
PS I’m sure I”m not the only one in the community saying this, but I think you are wonderful. And we are all here cheering you along.
I have countered a lot of this by delving into mindfulness and buddhism and stuff like that. It’s the ego that convinces us we’re failing, the ego that craves the attention (negative or positive), the ego that is so afraid of being rendered obsolete that it will do anything to make us believe it. So when we have these moments of one-ness with the universe, like when we sit down and bond with our kids or we realize what’s really important and it’s *not* when the house is on fire, the ego jumps up and screams, “But you didn’t do this! And looks what Betty did! And what about that bad thing that happened?” because if we were to ever realize that we’re okay, the ego would die!
Check out Cheri Huber and Eckhart Tolle for a couple of perspectives on this idea. I ADORE Cheri Huber’s books wherein she posits that there is nothing wrong with us we just need to listen to kinder voices inside our heads!
I, too, have those moments and at the darkest of them even wonder if the above is just a rationalization for my laziness and failure. However, in the meantime, I really benefit from learning to Enjoy Life 🙂
You are very much not alone. It’s kind of reassuring, seeing all the people who are like you (and like me) commenting here. I feel like this pretty much every day, too, and worry that I am dragging my kids down with me.
I think that everyone – even if they don’t put words to the thought – feels this way. I’m so glad that you write and share your thoughts about these crappy, scary parts of life. Your writing makes me (and a lot of people) happy – I’ve found my tribe.
This post and Allie Brosh’s post about “This Is Why I’ll Never Be An Adult” describe my exact life exactly. Just add three children to the mix. Talk about feeling like a failure.
I feel I am genuinely successful at life for probably 30 minutes a month.
I feel the worst when: I have to tell my daughter to RUN to her classroom as I’m dropping her off in the carpool line because we are late to school AGAIN. Or the kids eat donuts for breakfast in the car on the way to school for the third day in a row because we are too late to eat breakfast at the table. I have very few moments where I feel like I’m winning at this parenting thing, let alone at life.
I feel successful when: the kids are declared cavity-free at the dentist’s office. (That’s kind of a tiny miracle from Jesus and I’m totally taking credit for that shit.) I feel successful when my 4 year old opens the door for a woman with a walker so she can get inside easier – and he did this without any prompting from me.
My whole life all I’ve ever wanted to be was a mother. Now that I am, I question why anyone ever thought this was a good idea. I am far to crazy for my own good let alone for the good of three tiny people. And I obsess over all those pretty, pastel families who are rocking at life and wonder what I’m doing wrong. I make lists of things that I’ll change and once I make those changes, I feel like everything else will just fall in to place.
But that list is never-ending. There’s just too much I need to change. How do you become a different person?
You are not alone in this, Jenny. But it sure does feel like it, I know.
I just wanted to make a comment about being thousands of emails behind. I was twenty-six thousand emails behind. Yeah. No joke. I stopped dealing with email after my seperation. For over a year email just sat. So next time you are worried about emails Jenny… You could have 26,000. <3
Lately, my give-a-fuck has been severely damaged, if not outright broken, with regard to a lot of things, particularly my job. It’s not that I hate it — I don’t, really, at all, it’s just that my brain wants to be doing something else and the energy required for the job is energy I then do have to do that something else.
So, yeah, lately I’ve been getting 5-10 “good” work days out of the 20 or so in a month. Fortunately, I’ve been doing projects where the deadlines weren’t exactly looming, so I had some time. Now, of course, they ARE looming and that sense of dread is getting worse, not better. I know what I have to do, I just wonder how many extra hours it’ll take to make up for all the time I didn’t spend on them earlier.
I’d wager there are far more folks like us than like the “perfect people”, and in my experience, that perfect appearance is just a facade, anyway. So much energy goes into that that there’s nothing left for the stuff that matters. Like huddling under a blanket with your daughter & watching old TV reruns.
You are way fucking ahead of 3/4 of the people in this world! The fact that you wake up is an accomplishment in my opinion. There is no accomplishment book. I have found that Life is not hard unless you make it hard. Changing your perspective and attitude has helped me less stressed and more productive. I struggle with body image and weight loss and feel like I would be perfect if I could just fix that part of my life.
If you want to feel better about your life or feel like you are accomplishing great things even on a small basis, then you can always help others. You already do this by writing your blog. People love and learn from your writing. You don’t have to write a second book. Or, maybe a smaller kids book for adults would be cool. We would all buy it even if it was crappy! A good example of this idea is the book “When I found you” by Catherine Ryan Hyde. It is a good read.
You raising your kid to be a good person is far and beyond any importance of being a PTA mom. Most PTA’s are cliché cliques. Some are not. But most are.
STOP comparing yourself to others and their lives or what they accomplish. You are the only one that matters.
KEEP being YOU and get it through your foggy mind that YOU are and what you do is good enough just as you are.
I love your writing and wish I knew you in real life. Non touching Hugs to you!
Wow. I thought I was the only one that feels this way. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, but this describes pretty well how I feel most of the time. For me, it’s as though my life is an ocean of numbness/feelings of failure, and little islands of good feels. One thing that helps: the major critical voice in my head is my father’s, and since I’ve already determined that my father was an asshole, it’s easier to tell the voice ‘you are an asshole, shut the fuck up’. I try to tell myself that maybe this is the time in my life I need to consume information. That’s why I watch so many crime shows and read so many feminist blogs. It’s a natural stage in life, right? Sometimes, this works, and makes me feel like my job right now is to learn how to think and be a better person by exposing myself to intelligent stuff and arguments. Sometimes, thinking this way makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something even if it’s only trolling the interwebs.
I’m not depressed, nor do I have anxiety and yet I often feel they way you do. I don’t have a ton of advice for you on doing more or being better, I can only tell you that it’s not just you. I also get the impression that people think I’m one of those shiny moms on FB. But shit, I don’t post the UGLY pictures, I mean who the hell pins their disastrous attempt at disciplining teenage boys? I used to worry about it, but now I only feel really bad when I waste an entire weekend. I hate that. Hang in there – regardless of how successful you feel all the time, you regularly kick ass at entertaining me.
You are definitely not alone.
My husband and I say on a regular basis that we are “bad at life.” We both have good jobs and make very decent money. We have a house, we have our two modest cars, our two muts and our little boy who, by all accounts, is totally brilliant, healthy, funny and adorable.
I am out of the house from 7 am until 6 pm Monday-Friday. I will never be able to make real dinners (frozen pizza is at least once a week) and I will never, ever, EVER look at Pinterest. I will never put laundry away but rather, if we are having company, I will move the piles from the dining room to the bedrooms. And then put it right the fuck back in the dining room when the guests leave because that is just where it fucking goes.
We have no money in savings. Like, none. When one of our cars blows up and we have to go buy a new one, we will not have a down payment. We live check to check and have embarrassing credit card debt.
Money is the thing that makes us the most “bad at life.”
I yell at my son way too much. Because I have very little patience. Because of the being out of the house from 7-6, the laundry in the dining room and the no money in the bank. Then I feel guilty and wonder, “why does he even like me?” Because he really does, like, a lot. But if I were him, I’m pretty sure I’d just recognize me as the short-tempered, lazy bitch that I really am. He will probably figure this out by age 10 and then things will really get shitty.
So yeah, did I mention you are not alone?!
We all have the things that make us feel like we are bad at life. And we’re right. But also, we’re wrong. Because of all the stuff we don’t suck at.
Also, the people that you think have their shit together are repressing anguish over their shitty parents and their spouses are cheating on them.
Perfection is nothing but an act.
Love ya, Bloggess.
n.
Actually, you sound like an over-achiever compared to me, at least. I mean it really is a lot easier to raise cats than even one child, let alone one that can spell correctly. Does your child fully appreciate the difference between “it’s” and “its”? (That’s for extra bonus points).
Seriously, you are not alone.
I think most of us are imposters.
Life is just hard.
Jenny,
You aren’t alone. I only feel like I’m doing ‘good’ maybe a week out of every month if I’m lucky. Most days go something like this : I’m going to clean up the house, and take care of the animals , do art, and twenty other things..then I just don’t..I didn’t make hubby supper, I’m a terrible wife, I didn’t scrub out the water trough today, I’m a terrible horse owner. I hid from my mother in law , I’m a bad person..It all adds up and I feel like a huge screw up most days. I see all the people I know posting about their beautiful lives and I’m wearing a stained and torn dress with no makeup shoveling horse crap and only having friends on the internet because the friends I know in real life don’t have time for me or won’t visit because I have no TV. Seriously . I think we all need to work on how we see ourselves, maybe if we write out what we want to get done, and we get 1/4 of that done we can see ourselves as successful?
You are totally normal. 3-4 days tops for me too, and I am considered a “type A Over-Achiever” by most standards. Trust me, you are working on the same level playing field as the rest of us and you are doing better than most. Don’t freak out, it’s just your brain lying to you that anyone in those magazines is real. The rest of us are fakers too and I don’t actually know ANYONE who has their shit together. It’s all a lie the media gives us so we feel like we need to buy things to make us better people. Most people don;t even get the 3-4 days, so be grateful for that.
You are an A+ student in life and are doing just fine. Keep up the good work. 🙂
I think everyone feels this way. I know I certainly do. I ALWAYS want to do more, but there are some days when I get home from my very non-interesting job and all I have the energy for is to sit on my couch and order a pizza, because cooking and doing the dishes is just WAY too much work. So, what I end up doing (eventually….) is trying to force myself out of my rut. For instance, I just signed up for a class at my nearby university to improve my skills for my career and hopefully either make my job more interesting, or find a new one that is. I’m still going to probably show up to that class after the first couple times in my jeans and t-shirt with unwashed hair up in a ponytail because it’s just WAY too much effort to get dressed up even if everyone else in class is, but, hey, I’m there for me, not for them! And, I think that is the secret to feeling accomplished, if you are able to – realize that you’re really not living your life for other people or for their perception of it, or more importantly YOUR perception of THEIR lives. That’s hard when all you see is their pretty shiny pastel lives that they show the world on Facebook, in meetings, etc. I guarantee you, they have the same fears that you do and that’s WHY they only show the highlights from their lives during those little snippets of time you see them! Sorry…that was super long and rambly! THIS is why I usually just lurk! 🙂
I once heard a stand up comedian say,”I am embarrassed by like 80% of my life”. Sometimes I feel that way.
You are not alone. Unfortunately a lot of people (myself included) feel they need to compare themselves to others, instead of just doing/being who you are. I am getting over that. I don’t have a perfect life. I live with someone who has had cancer of the eye and a week after being treated for that, he had a stroke. Although physically he is fine, he sure isn’t when it comes to emotions and judgment. I also feel like I am surviving day to day. I have to keep my sense of humor and I am constantly trying to put things in perspective. I also have Rheumatoid Arthritis (which I now call Rheumatoid Disease, because it is not arthritis), which I struggle with on a daily basis. I literally take it one day at a time. Most days are good, or at least, I try to find some good. I think Facebook has added more anxiety to people because we see what people are doing, i.e., great jobs, going on vacations, having babies, getting married, blah, blah, blah. But, we all have struggles. You are ok. And I love your writing. Don’t give up. You make me laugh.
I almost lost my husband 8 years ago, and maybe it sounds sappy but my husband is everything to me. It completely changed my outlook on the universe. It’s like I suddenly earned a fuck it all pass. He has a chronic illness, I have a chronic illness, we’re never going to get better and we’re poorer than shit but he’s alive. I came out the biggest optimist the world ever saw and I don’t care what anyone thinks. Those shiny people who seem to have to all together don’t really they just expend way to much of their life moments trying to make the rest of use believe that they do. I prefer to live the moments that I have enjoying my life as much as I can even if my house is dirty and I don’t have on makeup for the 4th day this week. Several days of the month I hurt to bad to move very far so I have to give in to those days, the ones that I feel good I’m going to soar!
You are so not alone. I have depression and anxiety too and last winter was the worst I can ever remember. I hid in the house for days and days. To be honest, I’m so scared; as fall sneaks up, that this winter will be bad again. I’m finding ways to make myself feel better about it, like cleaning the crap out of my house but I still definitely feel like I fail at life 90% of the time. I am mostly not a high-functioning member of society and I don’t know how those people that are, can do it.
Just another ‘me too’ to add to the pile. And I don’t have any diagnosis to list here. (That’s not to say that I don’t have depression or any other mental illness, I just haven’t sought a professional opinion.) I think I’m just pretty normal. I would say I feel like a success less than half the time. May be 7 – 10 days in a month. And I think that number is that high because I’m pretty anti-social and in my own little bubble most of the time. And really – NO ONE’s life is that shiny. Seriously, if we all knew the truth about each other, we’d all feel a lot better about ourselves.
I’m lucky if I get one kick-ass day a month. I use “get” because I too suffer from chronic illness and so I don’t feel like those days when I accomplish a ton are determined by my will and grit. It’s only when my symptoms are in check and the stars align that I have a choice in the matter.
No, it’s not just you. And even though you said no compliments I’m going to give you one. You sharing your humor with everyone can be the one bright spot in someone’s day. I know it has for me.
Sending powerful and loving thoughts your way!
Nope, not just you. I am convinced that one of these days people are going to realize that I’ve just been pretending to be a grownup.
I also think it’s a pretty safe bet that every single person you think is successful and organized and has things figured out is *also* desperately hoping that nobody looks too closely at their lives, lest they see all the duct tape and chewing gum that’s actually holding everything together.
I have a PT (5 hours a day, 4 days a week) job being a personal assistant to an owner and marketing assistant to a separate department doing social media, press releases and other random stuff. I run a daily website that gets around 700 unique visitors a day and I run the social media for it. I freelance as a reporter/writer for the local county paper about 2 or 3 times a week, I also occasionally help edit/proofread for a weekly county paper, and then once a month I spend a week putting together the local Elks Newsletter. And yet, I still don’t feel like I’ve done enough. I still don’t feel like I’m successful, not really. People give me compliments and all I can think is “meh this is just what I do.” I’m with you. I spend maybe 3 or 4 days a month feeling like I’m as awesome as my bf, family, friends, say I am but the rest of the time all I can think about is how I didn’t get something done I wanted to, or I should have spent some time – in that 2 hours free I had today – cleaning up or making better some part of my website. Or I should have sent an email to that new business in town. Or I should have done laundry. Or… shower.
I do this on top of making lunch for my bf everyday so I know he eats at his stressful manual labor job everyday. Making sure my new kitten is eating the right amount and has play time with me. Making sure I have time to listen to my mom (I’ve been her counselor type since I was 16). Making sure I said hi to my dad via text.
Those 3 or 4 days that I do have…. I try to hold on to that confidence. I try to tell myself that I need to not be so hard on myself. I get a lot of shit done in a short amount of time and the quality of my work doesn’t suffer and that is amazing. I know I could always think I could do better and more but I’m doing enough – in fact too much – and I need to be nicer to ME.
You are a mom, a writer, a wife, a good friend and a friggin funny person and that list of things I wish I’d gotten to includes sending you a message and saying I’d love to meet you. I know how you feel but here’s me telling you (like everyone else does, yah yah, blah blah) that you’re kind of a badass and should be nicer to yourself too.
🙂
Cheers to us being awesome but still feeling like we aren’t awesome enough.
I am reminded of a saying “I compare my insides to other people’s outsides.” I looked just fine on the outside when I was a drunk abused miserable wish-I-was-dead woman. Chances are, those PTA Moms as just as messed up as you or more. My days of feeling worthless get less and less as the years go by – I am 55 years old, so maybe I’ll stop it altogether soon. I guess I’m saying I think you are great just the way you are, and accepting myself just the way I am is making my life better. It’s something I practice. I say to that negative voice “thank you for sharing, now move along.”
You’re not the only one, seriously. I’m not on any meds, although I used to be a long time ago. I have very mild depression, but live in a constant state of mild to high anxiety. I function perfectly fine, it’s not so bad that I don’t get out of bed. However, I do feel these same things you feel. I always feel like everyone else is doing better at everything. I stay home with our two kids (4 and 2) while my husband works, so I have to include things like paying bills, doing laundry, and reading to my kids as serious “accomplishments” or I would have NOTHING to write down for “What I Got Done Today.” I’m raising my kids and teaching them every day, which is a big job, but it’s technically not a “job” and it’s not something I can add to my resume. We live in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment, one I was SURE we would have moved out of four years ago. I very often feel like our lives are in limbo, like other people are all moving up the ladder and moving on to better things like a house and a nice neighborhood. I never even finished my degree, so you can imagine how much of a COMPLETE LOSER I feel like every single day. I HATE not having a college degree, it really makes me feel like trash. It’s not like I can say I was busy in India working with homeless people, I was just busy doing NOT MUCH OF ANYTHING. And now that we’re in our early 30’s and have kids, I don’t have TIME to do anything even if I wanted to. I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing aside from getting married and having a family. It can be overwhelming. I feel like I’ve gotten things done maybe 1 or 2 days a week…
I’m not sure if its ‘normal’ but it is certainly prevalent. Most of the women I know feel this way at some point. Between the pressure of being what society things is ‘right’, and the internet allowing us 24/7 access to people who look so much more put together than ourselves its easy to fall into the fear that you’re not doing enough and what you are doing isn’t right or good enough.
For myself I’m lucky if I feel like I’m a decent person 4 or 5 days out a month. Usually when I’ve spontaneously decided to do something with my kids that they loved (like baking cupcakes) or being recognized by a friend for doing something nice for them. In those moments I can look at my life more objectively and be like I may not be perfect but I’m trying and I know I’m not doing anything mean or spiteful on purpose and that’s more than I can say for a lot of people.’
I’ve got anxiety problems and depression and self doubt is so ingrained in my being that I don’t think I would know who I am without it. So as far as I can see you’re ‘normal’, whatever that means.
I think you’ve hit on something that a lot of people feel, but never acknowledge. I work from home, and right now I am between contracts (i.e., unemployed). There are days when I spend 8 hours just trolling the internet for a job. Talk about feeling like wasted time. I get up from the desk and realize that I have accomplished nothing all day. I could have stayed in bed and read a good book and have been happier. Except that the guilt of doing “nothing” is too great. That guilt is crushing. It nips at my heels and gets me out of bed even when I am depressed and just want to hide from the form rejections in my inbox. So the guilt spurs me to do what I think I “should” be doing, but that doesn’t mean I am happy after doing it. I often feel like it was a total waste of time. To combat those feelings, I’ve started doing one thing every day that I can count as an accomplishment, makes me happy, and gives me something to show for my day. So maybe I weed my garden, or bake a loaf of bread, or knit a new panel on the scarf I am making my boyfriend for Christmas. I just need one activity that I can look forward to in the day, enjoy the actual doing, and have something to show for my time. For some reason, it really helps me to say, ‘well, I didn’t get a job today, but I did make the most delicious loaf of bread!’ Plus, it’s nice to wake up in the morning and ask myself, ‘what am I going to do today that will make me happy?’ It is way more important to do something that will make you happy, than it is to scratch off all of the items on your To Do list. Happy people are much more productive than depressed, anxious, guilt-ridden people.
I am lucky if I have one day every two weeks where I feel I kick ass at life.
Most days I get through the basics. I mean the VERY basics. Get up, bathe, dress, eat, work, eat, work, home, eat, computer, bed. Note that things such as picking up litter in every room of the apartment, washing any dishes (or washing more than what I need to use that evening), vacuuming, cleaning involving implements, and scooping/changing the litter box are not on that list. I have gone for more than two months of that – to a point where I refused to let friends or family or ANYONE come over because of the smell from the litter box.
For a while, I had one day about every two weeks where I simply could not get out of bed. I would call in sick because, honestly, I was sick. I was depressed.
But something has changed recently. I threw out the litter box and replaced it with a new one and scoop every day. The apartment is still a mess, but at least I can have someone run upstairs to use the bathroom without being too embarrassed. I haven’t had a “sick” day in many weeks. I am starting to make small changes to improve myself and my quality of life. I may even pick up the living room this weekend.
Life has its ups and downs, but I hope this is the beginning of a long stretch of up. Who knows? Maybe I’ll actually have more than one day every couple of weeks where I feel like I’m doing something good with my life.
I wish I knew how to make it so that every day I was excited to get up and do things. I wish I knew the answers as to why I get depressed. But I deal, I cope, I play with the Internet way too much, and I have my good days.
I try to be the PTA mom. in fact I’m in charge. most days I am faking it. most days I dont want to be, but we are supposed to be right. I have tons of stuff pinned that I will never get to. I feel accomplished if my daughter is dressed and I folded one basket of laundry while sitting on the sofa watching movies all day. I have bad anxiety attacks that are keeping me up at night and I yell at my neighbors and cause scenes in the street. I refuse to go back on my meds because I hate the fog. Facebook sucks because it makes me feel like I am less than a person. I am less liked, I dont get invited, I am 15 all over again. But its like a train wreck, you just keep looking and cant turn away. my house is a mess. my fridge is empty.
Nah, You’re good… Our PTA lead – alcoholic.. Looked the part, bustled about and sounded enthusiatic and important. – couldn’t organise Jack shit.
Some people need to play a public role, convincing others they are superwoman, there are some people who manage to do everything, but they are very few and far between. Most people bimble along, doing what they can. Count your blessings. You have an understanding husband (!) a lovely child who you spend time with – the most important thing you can achieve. You have written one book, and manage to write your blog so another book will happen if and when it is supposed to.
Me – I don’t dust, i waste time on the internet and do what I can when I can. I manage to convince people I know what I’m doing and to a certain extent I do, but deep down I know someone is going to find out one day.
I feel like a fraud and a failure daily. The failures always seem to outshine the good. I am consistently in the way of my own success. I use self deprecating humor to break up the awkwardness but truthfully believe most of what I say. These problems become completely debilitating when I’m not eating right and sleeping enough. Well those problems and the anxiety… And OCD… Going gluten free gave me a tremendous amount of relief. So much so I just figured I could cope with the rest of my crazy bc at least I was no longer laying on my kitchen floor sobbing and wishing that death would come to collect me and save my children from this embarrassment of a mother. Recently, I did the whole30 ( the stricter autoimmune protocol) and after 3 weeks, I started to feel a lot better. I still had my problems but I was recognizing that they are problems and not letting them swallow me up into the abyss. I need to jump back on the program but truthfully? Stress and depression is making it hard to commit again. Opportunities keep presenting them self to me and I keep undermining them by flaking, shoving my foot in my mouth, or just completely foamy mouthed melting down. I also like the whole ‘cant fail if you don’t try’ thing… Idk what my point is anymore… Maybe that I feel you? I can relate to where you are.. So the advice I keep giving myself, the pep talk I have every time I’m about to leave for a shoot? Get the fuck out of your own way, lady. Then I crank up the music, sing along, and mentally go over all the stupid things I could potentially say and hope that I don’t … Oh and how often? Like every day. I feel like I’m always apologizing to someone for some failing ( real or imagined) and d wry time I send images to a client? I feel like puking.
I’d be thrilled if I felt good 3 or 4 days about of the month. Although there are several hundred posts here I happen to know that EVERYONE feels this way. I can remember as a child, telling my mom that I didn’t feel like I fit in, that I felt like an orphan. She said “sweetie, everyone feels that way”. it was both brutal and kind. when my meds are WAY off I go from feeling like a general failure (normal) to plotting my doom. but then that is even more depressing so I usually bump up my meds so I can go from being suicidal, which is exhausting to just feeling like a general failure. This is my life.
I only feel successful once in a blue moon. I don’t have the depression you have (at least not in the same way – I suffer only from cyclical depression that week before my “time of the month” but that’s a cakewalk compared to what you deal with on a regular basis) but I find myself questioning why I keep it up all the time. It’s because I can’t not. I can’t not do this crazy art (for me it’s theater – I’m an actress). I’d rather do it unpaid (union dues be damned) and have a crappy desk job (oh, it’s crappy, but there’s health insurance) than not do it at all. I look at the career of the college friend who is now a movie star then I look at my mounting debt and the cat who won’t stop pissing on the floor and the fact that I haven’t had a date in over 6 years. It feels like sh*t.
But I just reminded a friend of something on FB – he was saying how unsuccessful he was feeling as a writer – and I said to him, and I believe this about myself – and about you – you’re successful if you’re doing what you LOVE. How you FEEL about the work you put in the world – that’s what makes you successful. I tell myself this nearly daily sometimes. Because ultimately it’s the pride I feel for the work I’ve done that makes me feel successful – not my bank account.
You’re successful – you make me laugh – you make me question – you make me think – that certainly is a success!
😉
All of those people on Facebook and at the PTA are fakers, all with their own idiosyncracies, insecurities and obsessions. To me, you look like the picture of success and brilliance, while I? Well, you get my drift.
I do not suffer from Depression at all and I FEEL THIS WAY A TON!
I really think that if women grew the eff up and realized that some of us are great at being the PTA President, while others of us are just as great remembering to pay the dang electric bill we’d all get along famously. Acceptance and Grace go a long way in making people feel safe and secure being their own brand of fucked up and not having to feel bad about it.
As I get older, I realize that I’m ok not being the PTA Wonder Mom, I’m ok that I do good to get a picture frame much less put it on the wall and that it doesn’t make me any less of a person. I haven’t updated my website since January and it’s already September but when I sit down to write – crickets and Oh so what – In fact, I think your statement ” I feel like from the outside looking in I seem successful and happy, but I can’t help but think that if people looked closer they’d see the cracks and the dirt and shame of a million projects that never get done.” probably is exactly how a good 80% of us feel.
I always feel solidarity when I see another mom with unwashed hair who looks like she’s doing good to get dinner on the table and everyone in bed in one piece….I always want to high five her. Maybe we should do more celebrating about all of us being normal and then we don’t have to put on some stupid facade where lives look like a 2 inch by 3 inch Pinterest thumbnail.
Even Martha Stewart herself doesn’t even look like Martha Stewart in real life. Not to mention a man created Pinterest….. WTF do they know. 🙂
Hey Love. Here’s my story: at the beginning of June I walked away from the company that I put so many hours into helping build for almost 2 years. I figured it was just time and so I left that full time job taking a giant risk to start my own business while living off of nothing but savings and cc. After just a few weeks, I had so many failures that I gave up on my business I was trying to create and my book almost went under the same treatment. June turned into July and then it turned into August where I arrived at age 27. As of beginning of August, everything had finally come together. I realized I was being foolish – as in – trying to take second best to everything or thinking I was out of ideas or just whatever the issue was… I had to take those months to figure out what I truly wanted. I also cut myself off from most of the world, too.
I finished my book and redesigned my entire business and all will be happening in October. As far as everything else goes, now that I’ve discovered what the issue is, I have a way to handle it and I’ve fixed it.
The thing that makes me mad is that I had the entire summer to do everything I needed to do, but somehow, it all happened in a bunched up few days. Hey – maybe that’s how some of us work. I’ve never had a personality analysis or taken any sort of meds for my behaviors (I’m only assuming mine would be off the charts) but.. it’s the way I’ve always been. I think it’s just built into some of us individually that we are sporadically successful… and I kind of enjoy it. It’s like, now that I know that – I embrace it – and I’m looking forward to working really hard for a few months then take some more time off to do this all over again.
I’ve seen the work you do and it’s like magic. I only hope to be as good as you one day.
PS – anyone with shiny lives on Facebook or wherever else, they’re just making up for what really happens. No one is that sparkly, if you know what I mean… and if you really want to know, I’ll give you my password to my FB account and you can see how many people of the “I’m so happy” actually belong on shows like Maury or Jerry Springer. Yeah. It’s crazy. And it shows up every now and then.
Depression lies my friend. Sometimes it lies LOUDLY.
But we’re not alone. I have many (many) days where I feel like shit. Shitty Mom, shitty wife, shitty friend, shitty employee… on and on and on.
But deep down I know (as I think you truly do too,) that EVERYONE is faking it. There’s no such thing as kicking ass at life. We have moments of greatness, we have moments of weakness. Everyone has them. And if they look like they all have their shit together, they’re hiding something.
Stay strong. The Internet loves you!
I call it the ‘fake mom’ syndrome. Other moms look like they don’t scrabble around in the back of the kitchen cupboard looking for lunch ‘items’. Or sniff their kids hair to see if it REALLY needs to be washed today. I feel like the ironing/wash pile may one day morph into a sentient life form and hunt me down.
I feel good if I go to work a full day, come home and spend a little time sitting on the couch with my husband and boy – and I can’t even do that everyday. Maybe EVERYBODY feels like this but I just think it’s me, failing to be an adult, a mom and a wife. Trust me, you’re doing great.
other than going to work in an office, many days the only other stuff i do is watch tv. i have no kids i’m taking care of. i feel pretty freaking lazy and unproductive on those days. i’d say maybe 5-6 days per month i get my butt in gear and do something, like one of my hobbies or go see some place new (museum, park) with the BF. it’s harder on weekdays.
i finally went to the bank yesterday after trying to plan to do that for about 2 weeks!
0-5 days a month. My best friend and I have made a habit of emailing each other daily with 5 good things about the day, and sometimes mine are like “My cat purred at me this morning.” or “It’s Friday.” or “I slept more than 2 hours last night.” Doing this helps me focus on small things, even if they are so small that I can barely see them.
I’d say that most weeks I feel that I kicked ass at least once. So that’s about equal to your 3-4 days/month. Months are so long, I find weeks more manageable. I feel like an incredible failure when I see people really enjoying their kids. I feel like I’m just managing my kids most of the time. I think now that they are older, they just don’t want to hang out with me as much and maybe I am guiltily relieved about that. I think I also forget about the easy times we had at parks and playgrounds and just hanging out together when they were younger, so most nights I go to bed feeling like I’m fucking up my kids, feeling that I suck as a mother. Your comment about just watching little house on the prairie with hailey made me feel bad. I want to do that. I make myself feel better by presenting myself with evidence to the contrary of my negative thinking. My kids are cool people, and they would not be cool if I was such a shitty mom. My kids act like they want nothing to do with me, but I’m the one they reach out to first when they are happy/sad/mad/excited.
I also try to work under the assumption that everyone is actually just as bad at life as i am, and if they make it look easy they are either psycho or lying. I’m not jealous of either of those traits, so even if I’m jealous of their clean house and brain I am actually really glad that I don’t live in there.
rambly rambletons. not going to proof, just hitting submit
It’s not just you. I also suffer from anxiety and depression, both of which have been worse than usual lately due to the fact that I am not working. Looking for work is one of the things that make me feel like a fraud because I have to go on interviews and pretend to be cheerful and confident, when in the back of mind a constant loop of “what if they find out I’m not good enough?” is playing so loudly I can’t believe no one else hears it. And maybe they do. At least, that’s what I think every time I don’t get the job.
You’re not alone. I don’t have any good answers for you. If I did, I’d feel a lot more successful, and be happy to share. However, I have to say that your honesty is incredibly refreshing, and it’s a great comfort to me to know that I’m not alone either. Of course, I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone. So, I’m in your corner, and I’m rooting for you. My only advice is to be as honest as possible with your therapist. I believe that, at my worst, therapy helped me more than all my meds combined. Good luck, and don’t give up.
your post is all too familiar. and you are absolutely not alone! in battling your own demons, you’re also at odds with a society that touts this unattainable image of perfection in every fucking area of life. not only is it unattainable, it’s boring. life is faaaaaar messier than that, and so are humans. from my perspective, feeling overwhelmed by life and what you *should* be achieving is entirely and sadly normal. in my own struggles with depression/anxiety some of the best lessons learned are those of truly understanding balance in the chaos of my brain. i had this idea that once i figured out balance i’d be able to rest. things wouldn’t be so hard. i now stand beside that person i was and think “oh, that’s so adorable” — I’ve come to realize (with lots of therapy) that balance is still motion. if you stand on your foot and actually balance there, your arms will be quite still but your foot will still be wobbling like crazy to keep you there. once i got that, it made accepting that wobbling, that imperfection, a bit easier. there are going to be days and weeks where i feel like a fraud, don’t wash my hair, answer blogs instead of *actually* working, but i give myself credit for the days where i change the filter in the fridge, do all the laundry and play with my kitten. i accept that things are going to be harder for me in some areas because of my particular challenges, but it can be better. it’s not about doing away with the scary voices inside, but by creating a balance where the calm, proactive voices are there too. sometimes they win over the scary, sometimes they don’t. but they are there. and there is success in that.
3-4 days a month sounds about right.
The people that seem to be perfect PTA moms/people are just REALLY good at pretending. Trust me…they have melt downs behind closed doors ALL the time. You are not alone in any way shape or form 😉
I don’t feel as much like that as you obviously do, but I definitely do sometimes. And I think you should feel less like that, because you kick so much ass (if I had a magic wand I’d totally fix that for you). So you’re not great at a lot of things that people think of as basic human stuff: whatever. You’re superlatively awesome at other stuff. And none of you is starving and your kid rocks and even if you only ever write one hilarious best-seller in your entire life, that’s still way more hilarious best-sellers than most people will ever write. As long as there aren’t literal birds nesting in your hair, it’s probably fine if you don’t end up washing it every day. Or even every other day. Whatever. You do other stuff.
I used to feel that way. A lot. Like…a lot a lot. I felt like I was living in someone else’s skin and was really just waiting to wake up from the most surreal nightmare ever.
But, truthfully- I hated that about me. I hated that I felt like an imposter. And from what others were telling me, I was apparently pretty awesome. And I hated not seeing that.
For a while, I hated myself.
And then, I had an eating disorder. And most people who know anything about EDs know that it has less to do with weight, and more to do with control. And that was how I controlled my world and my self-esteem. With bulimia.
Fast forward treatment, a few years, and a lot of learning…one day I decided I was done with that. And even though I didn’t believe it, I told myself every single day that I wasn’t a bad person. I didn’t jump straight to “I’m a fucking badass.” I started with, “I’m not a bad person.” And then I moved to “I’m a good person.” Then to specific things: I’m a good mom, a good wife, a good friend. Then to skills: I’m good at taking pictures. I’m good at writing. I’m good at cooking.
It was slow. A very slow movement. 10 years later, I can say with certainty that I am amazing.
But…once and a while…I feel that old demon sliding up next to me. And I feel like an imposter all over again.
So I start at the beginning. I’m not a bad person.
When you have mental illness, these things don’t come naturally, or easily. I’ve lived with it my whole life. But feeling that way and actually *being* that way are very different. The 3-4 days a month when you don’t feel like an imposter? Those are just 3-4 days when the chemicals in your brain aren’t conspiring against you. They are likely no different from all the other days. You just *feel* different. And feeling different and being different aren’t the same.
Start slow: Jenny- you’re not a bad person.
Sending love and light. There is another side to the darkness. I believe in you.
Last night, I ate wheat thins and chocolate donuts for dinner and washed it down with pink box wine out of a red solo cup. Most days are like this for me. Most things surround what I’m eating, as well.
I have a solid 2-3 GREAT days a month. The rest is like what probably 99% of people do.. work, go to the bank, eat a second dinner, take a nap, pretend you have a headache so you can skip sex.
I lay in bed each night evaluating my day and adding to the ongoing list of things I need to do to “get my life on track”. Every night I go to sleep feeling like a failure for all the things I have not accomplished. Every morning I wake up thinking today will be the day I get it together. This has been going on for years.
Sure, there are days I feel like I have accomplished something, but they are rare. I go to work and fake my way through the day at a job in which I am under valued, under utilized and under paid. I go home to my empty apartment to be greeted by the one being who loves me, my cat. On the outside I may look shiny and happy – I wash my hair (most days) and lead an “exciting single life” (according to my married friends) but I know the truth. I am bored and lonely and in a financial mess. and it all makes me feel like a failure.
What gets me out of bed each day is the knowledge that even the shiny happy people have cracks and dirt and shame. they’re just better at hiding it than the rest of us. I believe that trying to keep up the shiny happy exterior adds to mental muddiness. I may feel like a failure but I wear my failings with pride. I am doing the best I can and that’s all anyone can expect of themselves.
remember the wise words of Leonard Cohen – “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in”
You are not alone. I can’t remember the last day I felt accomplished or good about myself. I need to see a doctor and get on meds probably because my negativity and sadness and it just out of control. I did hear something recently that maybe can be helpful to you. The woman who invented our modern torture device, Spanx, was talking about what gave her the motivation to chase her dreams. She said that she always looked at failure as a success. The only failure in life was not trying, if you try something and it doesn’t work out or you didn’t like it or it didn’t take off, that’s not a failure. Failure is only when you don’t try. As I struggle with anxiety and depression I know that might not seem all that helpful. Not Trying = Failure. Yes, I don’t try all the time. I’m a failure. But, maybe, when I finally find the motivation deep down inside to try and get myself out of them mess I’ve found myself in. (hate my body, hate my job, hate my life, hate my face, hate my skin, etc.) maybe knowing that Trying, not succedding is the success, maybe I will have the confidence to try.
Also, I love that song you shared. Thank you.
I can’t remember the last time I felt like I had a successful day. Seriously…I honestly can’t. Somewhere along the line I realized (not anything you can force to happen unfortunately) that my definition of success is definitely different than everybody else’s. I consider a day an accomplishment if I get through the day and am still breathing. But a successful day? I’ve been yearning for one of those a lot lately too. I’ve been wanting that feeling at the end of the day that YAY! I did something! I am tired of falling asleep thinking, I just have to do it all again tomorrow.
A big key though is lessening the comparison. I say lessening because, really, do we ever stop? There is this saying floating around the interwebs that helps me with that sometimes: The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we are comparing our behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel.
But if nothing else, hopefully this (and all the other comments you are receiving) let you realize, you are not alone.
Yep. This is me. Except my house is a gigantic mess and it’s not just a couple of boxes in the corner and I’m currently avoiding work that should have been done weeks ago. I also have anxiety. A lot of it. Maybe we all do?
I only ever have one day a month that ass gets kicked…..tomorrow.
I do not have anxiety, I do not feel depressed, I am a very optimistic person – the kind or person you probably want to kick because I can see silver linings everywhere, always. Still I visit your website almost every day – because I think you are awesome almost every day. Because I am kind of jealous of how you can really make me laugh out loud, how you can help me understand what it is like to have anxiety and depression. Because of that I was able to reach out to someone in my environment who needed someone to listen to her.
I sincerely belief it is all about what you do with what you have been ‘given’ – running 100 meters in under 10 seconds is great, but doing it in 10 minutes or 10 hours can be just as big an accomplishment, depending on your talents or handicaps.
In Dutch we have a great word: ‘tevreden’. It means something like being comfortable and happy with what you have.
And by the way: my writer’s block kicked in before I even started writing…. you are way ahead of me!
You are human. Everyone is human. No one is Pinterest perfect, not do they live permanently in that magazine photo. It took going therapy to make me realize that I’m never going to be that magazine example, and that’s ok! As long as I’m breathing at the end of the day and the world hasn’t come to an end, things are all right.
I can relate with the expectations you have made for yourself and that feeling that you’re just not good enough because you didn’t follow through on that craft project from last Halloween that you spent over $50 on supplies. But it’s ok. You have intentions and the means to try again.
If I have one good day a week, I am lucky.
You are not alone, you are the majority. Those people with perfect lives and who do everything perfectly are just like us. I know, I have met them and they are just as insecure about all of it like we are. And if they don’t tell me these things, then the horses I work with tell on them. We all feel this way to some extent.
The thing is, you do the important things right. You spend time with your daughter. SO what if the homework doesn’t get done until Thursday. You’re miles ahead of (if you want to compare) most of the kids’ parents who won’t do homework with them at all. My suggestion is that you be ok with being “good enough”. We all do the best we can with the tools we have.
My sister is pretty low income welfare mentality, and gave her kids soda pop in their bottles. Rotted their teeth out before their adult teeth came in. Her daughters started having babies at age 15, all on the welfare system, all of them thinking french fries are a vegetable. I had one of my grand nephews out here this summer for the first time, and he would only eat corn dogs. ONLY corndogs, because I didn’t have hamburger helper, which is what his mom, my niece cooks. But guess what? She COOKS. It’s better than candy bars and ice cream for every meal. She is doing the best she can with the tools she has.
You are a worker among workers. You are doing a good enough job. It doesnt’ have to be perfect and it doesnt’ have to be the best. It just has to be what you can do. And you are. You’re doing it. A lot of people can’t or won’t, but you’re trying. That’s good enough.
I hope this helps. If you EVER want to come see my horses you can, for free. Or, visit someone else’s horses. They are amazing at helping people through this. Starting with me, just so you know I relate to everything you said.
Honestly? The last time I felt that I’d achieved something good was April 2012. Everything kinda went to shit after that. Even when I got my first book accepted by a publisher earlier this year I was kinda ‘well that’s nice’. It hit when my last few months of Uni went to shit and the lecturers left me feeling like a complete failure at what I wanted to do with the rest of my life even though I KNOW I am not. After all I’m still doing it. I graduated, sort of. And now I run my own business doing what it was they thought I was crap at. I’ll leave you to judge. Because what the fuck do a bunch of bitter old lecturers know anyway? But I berate myself every day for not being good enough, not having enough get up and go and not feeling inspired. And most days I just plod along in a kind of semi-survival mode. I vent it in my blogs and drift from one project to the next not being quite sure of the final ending for my career. I try not to question how successful or unsuccessful I am or what my direction ultimately is because if I did I would probably give up entirely. Do I have any sort of mental condition? I don’t think so. But who knows. I’m sure feeling like this for that length of time can’t be good. I’m am generally very ‘meh’ about most things. And it doesn’t shift. But it all started with the end of Uni and I’m sure that’s no coincidence.
Seriously, depression, not so much anxiety over here, and I can’t peel my ass off the couch long enough to things I truly want to do… and I admire your posting frequency. You accomplish that thing
I have depression and anxiety too (in fact, I just posted on FB that I am “braving the Big Blue Room” because I ran out of a specific color of yarn – it’s been almost 3 days since I left the house) so I don’t think I can tell you what normal is. But I absolutely also have impostor syndrome, go days without washing my hair, and I can’t tell you the last time that I had 5 minutes of thinking I did something well without all the “well, it’s not really that big a deal anyway” or “so, what are you going to do NEXT” starting up. There is not a single accomplishment that I can’t minimize or otherwise turn on its head to be a bad thing. I have unwashed dishes in the sink, a large laundry pile (I live alone), expired food in the fridge. I am 43, and just learned to partially recycle last year, but I keep forgetting to take it outside until the communal recycling bins are full to overflowing, so sometimes it gets thrown in the trash anyway rather than coming back into my apartment. I’m 100 pounds overweight and diabetic, and feel like a failure every time I eat (so of course I eat more). I’m not saying that I’m glad your brain seems to work like mine – because that’s a really sucky experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone I hated much less someone I liked – but it’s amazing to realize that somebody else understands. It reinforces my conviction to be honest about how I feel, especially the schlubby parts, because I now see it as giving a gift of connectedness to someone else who feels unique-in-a-bad-way. (Also, I have several friends who are shiny PTA moms who have massive hoards, or less than awesome marriages to people they don’t always like or trust, or horrible extended families that they are cut off from, but whose energy and time gets poured into leaving the house and volunteering while wearing eye makeup and matching shoes. I don’t think it’s always that people have their lives more together, it’s just that they don’t happen to struggle with exactly the same things. So what another person has as a benchmark for “together” happens to be something the shiny mom can or is compelled to do, but they still feel the same as the other person inside and wish they were creative like that, or had a husband who loved them like that. KWIM?)
Everyone on Earth feels this exact same way.. or at least some of the time. At least the part about not doing their kids homework till Thursday night.
Sigh. I do this a lot. I finally am an at home mom and I can’t write. Even the sad little story a website picked up was something I wrote a year or two ago. Everyone was so proud, but I just thought, well that is it. The glory of my writing. One story, one website. Meh.
I think (hope) that those of us who write are just this way. We think too damned much and most of it is how we are fucking up. Then we squeak out a good thing or two and after the first 3 seconds of joy over the accomplishment we realize we will never do anything good ever again.
I fight this fight every day, and have longed for cognitive therapy for years. But we just can’t afford it. Feel free to throw some cognitive freebies this way. Kind of like horseshoes, but more mentally satisfying. 😉
Oh my god…I could have written what you just wrote, much of it word-for-word. I was JUST TALKING to my sister about this very feeling like, within the last hour.
I feel unsuccessful sooooo many days. I go around always feeling like surely, I could have done more today. Surely, everyone else is working harder and is just all-around better than I am. And yeah, maybe 3-4 “successful” days a month is about right.
And objectively, I have to recognize that I’m actually fairly awesome at life in a number of ways. Nor does it even matter because even people who don’t accomplish anything at all are people I would never judge as harshly as I judge myself. Other people’s obstacles matter, mine don’t. I have a horrible double-standard.
But things are getting better as I learn to realize, bit by bit, that my double-standard is really a means by which I’m trying to defend myself. It’s this fucked-up program that runs in my brain that is desperately trying to make sure that I’m completely perfect so that I never, ever have to face anyone being upset with me or disappointed in me in any way. So getting better has a lot to do with realizing that I can survive it when those things do happen. That sounds stupid when I put it like that, but really, it’s a lot more powerful in how it happens inside my own brain.
I can’t see the link or video or whatever it is about the song that comforts you, but the beautiful and amazing Jenny Lewis (in all forms) feeds m my aching imposter heart. Please try Rilo Kiley’s Better Son/Daughter when you have a chance.
Jenny, one of the reasons I love reading your blog is because I find you so relatable. Which is what you need to realize, that +90% of us are just like you. We usually only see the bright, shiny, happy successful side of others because that’s what they want us to see. The dark stuff is hidden away. Our perception is skewed into thinking that we’re failing because we can see all of ourselves, see the bad, and when we compare to ourselves to others we only see part of that person.
Don’t feel bad for not being a PTA mom, or not keeping the tidiest house, it’s overrated, and in my opinion most of those people that do seem like they have their shit together or are technically “sucessful at life” are just a big ol’ball of anxiety themselves, with overriding issues of insecurity, perfectionism and an unfathomable need to please others. They are equally as screwed up, just in a different way.
So, take care of yourself, love your family, and don’t worry about the rest of the crap, because it’s just that, crap.
HUGS
What I question is why there’s a certain way we’re expected to feel or act that’s considered successfully human? Why judge ourselves by looking at a standard someone else unconsciously set? I’ve finally stopped looking at magazine ads and thinking that I can (and should) achieve those body types, so why would I look at others’ lives and think I could (or should) be able to do that as well?
We are not all created equal in our abilities or health or bodies or so many other things. Doing what we can with what we have IS being the best person we can be. Striving to be better, to push past obstacles, or just to accept what we cannot change and love ourselves no matter what IS a great day, even though it isn’t permanent and you’ll have to do it all over again tomorrow. Just trying is winning.
Somehow, Jenny, you always seem to bring out my “motivational poster” mode…
🙂
I feel like a failure a few times a month, mostly the week prior to shark week, because I have pre-menstrual insanity (not the clinical term). I think that all the outside factors, like facebook and pinterest add greatly to my disappointment in myself. It’s hard to ascend to the great heights that other “life fakers”put out there in social media. There are, I’m sure, some generally honest and super awesome-at-life folks in the world, but the losers-at-life are far more prevalent. I think, that the best you can do is recognize your short comings because they are yours, and NOT because someone is on the internet pretending they have their shit together. It’s NOT a fucking contest and we need to learn, as humans, that we are all in this shitstorm, called life, together. Feel better, or don’t (because you shouldn’t let anything you see on the internet dictate how you feel). Love your blog, especially when it is honest. Keep on keepin’ on.
I barely have one good day per month. I have zero accomplishments and I am a failure every single day. I felt a bit of pride at enrolling and starting college in July, but it was quickly overshadowed by feeling bad for waiting until I was 42 to even try to begin to get my shit together. When I don’t absolutely have to participate in life, I have trouble getting to motivation to do anything. I too have depression and anxiety, and I see no end in sight to the stresses that aggravate them. I completely understand how you feel and I applaud you because you are handling them and still raising an amazing daughter and have a successful career. I have no magic words, but I can tell you that you are not alone.
Not just you. Not by a longshot.
I know this is going to be hard to do, but give yourself a break. It is NOT just you. Part of the reason you have so many people follow your blog is because we see some of ourselves in you. OK maybe I’m not as funny, but we are all fucked up in some way. I have learned first hand that that mom that looks so perfectly polished at the PTA is smiling because she’s buzzed. I have become friends with her. I have begun to understand that she is just like me. That there are NO perfect people, and everyone is truly just coping with getting through the day. There are times when I am trying SO hard to be IN the moment with my kids and it’s as if I’m looking in. I feel like an impostor, I constantly wonder if this is the way it’s supposed to be. Isn’t it supposed to uncomplicated and easy just to live life? It’s not. It’s messy and tiring and there are days I can’t even get off the couch. So no I have no pearls of wisdom other than we are all fighting the same battle. some of us are just better at pretending than others.
This is a great book by a woman I heard speak at the Iowa Women’s Leadership Conference this spring. She talks about the fact that women have the Imposter Syndrome and we need to get over it. GREAT READ: The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307452719/ref=oh_details_o06_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I’m on vacation. While I’ve been gone, the neighbors called animal control because my cat was mewing to much, so now I feel like a terrible kitty mother for not finding a live-in sitter (I did get a sitter, who I also feel terrible because she’s had to deal with all this).
When I’m home, I’m constantly terrified of getting fired for being no good at my job. On weekends I just want to sleep in and relax but then I feel like I’m not taking advantage of my weekend enough.
I still wish I could just go back to my parents house and let them take care of me, even at 31.
You are not alone.
Welcome to my life.
Most days I get up, read a book, make 1 meal, and go back to bed (if I can sleep). There’s nothing wrong with me. I just don’t have any responsibilities. On days that I feel down, I make it a point to go outside for a little while. A few months ago I realised I had all of this free time and I should do something useful. However, the places I want to volunteer require a time commitment and I can’t do that.
So I made a little “chore” chart in a white board. It has Monday through Friday written on it. Then in each day it has 1 housework chore (like laundry), 1 leisure item (like sewing), and 1 exercise (like 30 min of yoga). Some days I get all three done, some days nothing, and some really great days I get way more than on the list. I don’t sweat the outcome because it’s just there as more of a suggestion guide than a task list. It gives me a small goal for the day that I feel better about for having accomplished. If I don’t do anything, then there’s always tomorrow.
Also, the big thing I made myself do was to not play catch up. If I don’t get the items for Monday done on Monday, then I wait until next Monday. I have other things to do to in the meantime. If I get all of Tuesday’s things done and I have free time and ambition, then I might pick back up where I left off on Monday. Otherwise, I let it go. It’s hard but it gets easier the more you do it.
Hope this helps. And for the record, I’d be your friend. We could be crazy together. 🙂
Being completely honest, I have to say that most days I feel pretty good. I can completely identify with your post in that anytime I try to compare myself to others, I’m bound to feel like crap. So I try my best not to do that. I’m good at some things (like reading to my kids, helping them practice music, etc.) and terrible at others (dusting, making the house look presentable, finishing projects that I start). I’m mostly happy, my kids are mostly happy, but there’s never enough time in a day and some days I feel like pulling my hair out because all of the things I need to accomplish are so overwhelming. It’s those days I try to sit down and formulate a plan. And anything that doesn’t come to the top of the list doesn’t get done. So be it. Let it go. No one’s life is perfect despite outward appearances.
My daughters think that I’m the most wonderful thing out there. I know I’m not really – but I am to them. And so instead of trying to convince them that I’m right, I try to let them convince me that they are.
Much love to you, Jenny. I hope you are able to to get through this and have more days in the month when you believe that you’re awesome.
Same 3-5. And it’s always the little things – a perfectly cooked chicken (dry is my norm), making a stranger smile (especially my elders, love that!), getting through a whole day without that weird amorphous, invisible weight that makes it hard to pick your feet up when you walk.
Why is it SO important that you, or anyone for that matter, gets something “accomplished” in a day? Seriously, we need to quit comparing our lives with those Pinterst Perfect Peeps!! I do NOT compare myself, no do I cause myself any anxiety or grief if I do absolutely nothing all day but watch the Food Network and read Facebook. I truly believe we can set ourselves up for failure when we make demands on ourselves that we know we can’t keep. If you let go of the guilt and let you just be the pleasant and peaceful you that you are…you won’t need meds for anxiety or anything else. With knowledge comes acceptance….with acceptance comes freedom!!! Hugs
PS – I feel a lot better about today after seeing this post from you.
You’re not alone. I wish I could’ve described my feelings as accurately as YOU have described them. I feel like a failure at life/family/parenting more often than not, and I feel petty jealousies toward all the Perfect Pastel People. I know other people have it as tough as I do – and much worse – and yet I often feel like no one could possibly understand. I’d never heard of Impostor Syndrome before, but as soon as I read about it I said (out loud) “AHA!”.
The beauty of your challenges is that you bring us all together. Your comment section is like Freaks & Geeks to me and I feel more at home here than my own blog.
And if you’re going to fail, just be The Best at failing. 🙂
Girlfriend, just like everyone else I will tell you YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I’ve never been diagnosed with anything specific although I’m certain I fit in quite a few textbook mysteries. I feel “right & truly productive very rarely. Maybe 4-5 days a month… I’m not even sure exactly what right is, but I’m not it. I look at my friends perfect homes, families, everything and constantly marvel at how I’m so screwed up. Wish I had an answer for you (& myself)! Just know you are NOT ALONE in your feelings. Hell, maybe we ARE the “normal” ones! Hang in there & know you have lots of company! You’re an awesome woman despite what your inner demons tell you!!!!!! Peace.
I want to print this out and hang it on my wall. This is me everyday. Just one day I would like to feel like not a failure. I think I look okay to everyone else– I have a (crappy-paying, unstable but still professional-seeming) job, my kid is adorable, I brush my hair, my house is relatively clean (at least the parts people see), I can smile and make small talk even though I hate it and want to run away– but I am just a fucking mess all the time inside. I feel like constant failure– and in most ways I am. My job pays terribly and has no security, I’m living in a crappy house that I can’t afford, I have no job prospects, and I am single, it seems, forever because apparently I also suck at relationships. But I just fake it and pretend I’m just fine.
Lovely lady you are not alone. Really. I suffer from OCD and anxiety. I do the medication thing too and just have had the lovely experience of getting off of one and onto another. It’s a roller coaster really. I know everyone says “life is a roller coaster”, but whatever…with this shit going on in my head, it’s for real. I have to say that I’m happy I switched medication now…i’m about 80% there and feeling more and more like being a member of society. I actually accomplished some house projects last weekend and the bathrooms are clean! Like you (and probably a lot of people) we have a lot to be glad for, we love our families and our kids (even our jobs sometimes)…but you know what…those shiny, happy people with their perfect lives aren’t real. Behind their shine is a whole lotta crap too. I can’t tell you how many times I feel like a failure in life, work, family. I mean I go through the motions and don’t feel like I’ve made any impact. The whole “I was put here for a reason, but what the hell is it?” You know what? and I’m not blowing smoke up your ass by saying this…you impact all of us everyday (in a good way!). You started a community here – where we all feel safe and sane with you!!! Even with all our utter craziness! You’re okay. Maybe you do need to consider a medication adjustment? Your experience sounds a lot like mine this past summer…just something to consider maybe.
All in all Miss Jenny, you are completely normal and sane. Really! 99.9% of us are just trying to get through the day without hurting ourselves or others! Hell, I’m lucky I remember to put my damn pants on before I head out the door in the morning.
Just remember…we’ve got your back, chic. You need anything…we’ll come running with the wine and xanax in hand!
This shocked me when I first entered the “adult world” (and no, I’m not in porn – I just mean post-college, basically). I was shocked by how few adults have any sense of feeling like they have any idea what they’re doing. I always thought adults had it totally together. Nowadays I feel like I don’t know ANYBODY who feels like they have it together. I know a lot of people who seem to think *I* have it together, which is laughable to me as I sit here doing nothing while trying to will myself to do my work for the past three hours. Nobody has it together; you’re just seeing everyone else’s highlight reel. And if they do, shockingly, have it together, I guarantee they’re even more terrified than you are of slipping up and falling from that pedestal. Because they likely worked very hard to get there, and I’d bet a lot of that work was unpleasant and fear-based.
I rarely feel successful but I’m mostly okay with it, with feels pretty successful because I didn’t used to. I cry every day, often multiple times; my shoes are always more scuffed than every one else’s, even if they’re new; I bite my nails at 36 years old, gross I know; there is never, repeat never, not laundry piled in at least 2 rooms of my 3 bedroom home; I pay everything late, always; my kid bites his nails because he’s so anxious; I can’t remember when I had sex last, but I remember it was NOT GOOD; I am obese and my bra is so big I can wear either cup for a hat; my car is full of crumbs and smells vaguely like a foot; I don’t speak any foreign language and have had the same job, with no promotion for the last 11 years. I also laugh every day, and make people around me laugh; I have great hair and striking features; my house is full of paintings I’ve made that I love; my husband laughs at my jokes and calls me Beauty; my almost 9 year old kid thinks I’m the only cool girl in existence and still sits on my lap; I’m a great cook and can make almost anyone that tries my food want to get fat, at least temporarily; I drink wine like a champ; I’m a good listener and people who talk to me generally feel better afterwards; I’m finishing my degree after many years and working full time; I’m the only person who has done my job as long as I have and I usually do it well; and I’m learning how to be nice to myself. Let go of the other stuff. Nobody cares if Iwatch tv all day somedays, or don’t wash my hair, or wear the same pants two days in a row. Everybody’s worrying about their own shit. Success is relative.
I don’t even feel like I have days that I can say are successful or good. I feel like I get maybe hours or minutes that I feel like I’ve been useful. And I feel like a fraud all the time. People tell me how great I am at x, y, or z but I know if they saw me in action at home, they would have a VERY different opinion of me. I put on the happy face and pretend everything is great, but my reality is that I’m miserable and I feel like a failure.
2 or 3. If I am really lucky I might get two in a row, but I honestly don’t remember the last time that happened.
Those “shiny” people you mentioned? They aren’t real. I find the people who seem to have all of their shit together are just the ones who are best at hiding. They become amazing at only showing the world one side of them and they hide the rest. And you know what? That’s boring! Perfection is boring. You know what isn’t boring? Having real issues, dealing with them (even if dealing means giving yourself a break) and getting to the next point in life. That is success – knowing that you have skeletons and getting through life anyway. And if you can make others smile while you’re doing it, then in my opinion that is beyond success. You my dear are beyond successful.
You’re not alone. Some of it may be your mental illness, but some of it is definitely just that you’re human. Anyone who says they have their shit together all of the time is either rich enough to hire everyone to have all their shit together for them, or they’re lying. We’re all just keeping our heads above water for the most part.
Pinterest is a douche.
Jenny, I LOVE [Title of Show]! Have you heard their new album “Now. Here. This.”? It is also amazing and you should definitely go take a listen 🙂 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpCeIeAD-ek
Honestly, any day that passes without me having killed or seriously maimed myself or someone else qualifies as a good day in my life. Even those days when I really, really wanted to kill or seriously maim someone who totally deserved it, but I know I wouldn’t get away with it and I don’t have any desire to be in a prison, jail, or courtroom for any reason ever, except maybe for jury duty on a really interesting case, not some slip and fall scam or a civil case where somebody sues somebody else for butthurtedness compensation.
So far, though I’ve had some really shitty days in my life, they’ve all been good.
Oh sweets, I am right there with you. I went to the doctor yesterday with unwashed hair, chipped toenail polish, a screaming toddler and did my homework assignment that was due while I was at the doctor on my phone because I am such a terrible adult I hadn’t done it yet. I honestly feel like a terrible adult 98% of the time. In fact, I stopped reading this halfway through and paid my bills because they were overdue and I had forgotten them again. I know exactly how you feel.
You are not alone. I don’t suffer from depression or anxiety, I don’t have any mental issues that I am aware of, but I do know that I feel like I am not doing enough of anything in my life. My house isn’t clean enough, or organized the way that it should be. There are weeds in my gardens, and bare patches in my yard. The dog has needed a bath for two months.
What I do know is this: The people that you think have shiny happy lives don’t. They have a secret junk closet that they throw things into so people won’t see when they come over. They may just be really, really good at using dry shampoo, or have the kind of hair you only need to wash a couple times a week. They may not know that pastel color palettes suck, or are just too damn timid to use bright colors. And everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has run out of toilet paper at least once in their lives. At picnics – which, by the way, you can totally have on couches.
I think watching re-runs of LHOTP under a blankie with a human that you love and cherish is a perfectly fine accomplishment. For me, it is re-runs of M*A*S*H*.
I cannot think of any artist that I admire (or maybe any at all ) who didn’t suffer for their love of art – to create it because they suffer, or suffer to create. The most powerful work we do is done in the dark.
Totally with you.
I judge myself by what all my friends with babies of similar ages are doing. One of whom manages yoga classes, has lost all her baby weight (plus some), is currently half way across the world without her other half, and actually gets out socialising.
I have days where leaving the house is a scary prospect.
Damn anxiety.
I cant tell you when I last felt like I was a success as a person, or as a mother. I can manage being a successful friend half a dozen days a month, but thats about it.
Thank GOD someone finally put this in words.
I’m constantly berating myself for not spending enough time helping my emotionally disturbed son and social butterfly daughter, near geniuses both of them.
When people say I’m attractive I can only say thank you in creative ways because I don’t believe them. I think they always have an ulterior motive. I feel like I’m the result of the attractive parts of other people jammed together on one face or in one body so they don’t fit together properly.
I have been fortunate in many ways. I have been through just about all the most horrible things a female can go through and am still here (that’s something, right?). There is no way I can pay the people who have helped me back sufficiently and that’s yet another contribution to my insomnia. How unsuccessful I feel at everything, especially things people say I’m good at.
Rambling post is rambling. I’ll just say I kno dat feel and move along.
A lot of it is the lies your depression tells you. (Lying whore. Not YOU, Jenny. The depression.)
I’d like to say some of it is being a person who actually gives a damn and wants to do better and be better each and every day. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Every time this feeling hits, think of only one word: Hailey. You brought her into this world. And that, in itself, is amazing. <3
This is the first time I have ever left a comment. I have 2 kids (2 and 7) I work full time (easy job) and I am married. I feel like shit all of the time. I give myself a pat on the back if I make it to the grocery store. Everyday I feel like I am just going through the motions and doing only what is necessary to survive. On the outside people see me as someone who has 2 great kids, (which I do) a nice house, a good job and a great husband with a good job but to me I am a mess. I don’t know how to make myself feel better. Don’t really know what I’m trying to say. This post really hit home for me. You are not alone,
You are not alone. I perceive myself as lazy all the time, and assume my husband and daughter think of me this way, too. I also look at other moms and think they are richer, skinnier, happier, more productive than I am, and I secretly sigh with relief when their pretty veneer gets shattered in some way; like I see them at the store looking haggard, or I find out they never fold their laundry, or they tell me that their family eats take out burritos all the time because they don’t feel like cooking. Or they cry in public. Or they get a little too drunk at a party and overshare.
The weird part is that I am perceived by other people to be a together person. I don’t know what they’re thinking. All I see is undone dishes, cheese and crackers for dinner, piles of laundry, an unwalked dog, a suitcase that’s been in the middle of the living room for three weeks, and cheesecake I keep taking bites of all day long.
You are fine and good and loved, and so am I.
I have bipolar and feel like this all of the time. I put on a happy face and shrug off failures, but on the inside I just keep looping what happened over and over in my head. I just constantly remind myself that everyone’s definition of success is different and that the reality is that some days my definition of success is getting out of bed and taking a shower. There is a bunch of stuff I start when I’m manic that never gets finished or gets half-assed at the very last minute, but there is also a ton of stuff that I do finish especially if it is important to me or is to help other people. One thing that has really helped me is that I made a “good stuff” jar. It is filled with good things that have happened this year, accomplishments or things that made me happy and when my anxiety/fears get to me, I go and read some of the things from the jar. It’s just a reminder that even though my depression lies and tells me I am a failure and everything I touch turns to shit, I do accomplish things and am contributing to my life and to the lives around me. Another thing that helps a lot is reading your blog posts about your struggles and the comments and knowing that I am not alone. It’s not just me feeling this way or malfunctioning like this. It really does help to know that I’m not alone 🙂
As far as I know, I have no mental illnesses, and the only medication I take is for allergies, but I feel that way too. The point being, I think that is just life. If there are people that kicked ass at everything every day of every month, they probably wouldn’t have friends because no one likes a bragger. 🙂 But maybe it would help if we all just focused on kicking ass at whatever we DID do today. Yesterday, I kicked ass at finding orange things at Target. On Tuesday, I kicked ass at eating a cheeseburger. On Monday, I kicked ass at finishing a book. And today, my house needs cleaned and my laundry needs done and I need to unpack from the weekend and maybe I didn’t pay my electric bill last month, but maybe none of those things will get done and I’ll just kick ass tonight at sitting on the couch, or going for a walk, or talking to stray cats. (Although, I ALWAYS kick ass at talking to cats.) <3
I had a huge comment written, then I realized my hair was dirty. Shit.
To be honest I think everyone feels the same way!!! I’m a stay at home to twins and my husband travels a LOT so I’m home all the time and getting clothes on that match is a successful day to me. Hell getting out of my pajamas is a successful day. I pocrastinate on everything so dont beat yourself up. You have a happy well taken care of daughter so that makes you successful EVERYDAY!!! Don’t sweat the small stuff. I think the people who seem to have it all together are way more screwed up than people who realize they don’t have it all together.
Jenny- me too, yo.
Hi
I am struck by the fact that Americans want to achieve things, make the most of their day/life, be productive etc… I would say : capitalism has taken over humans.
I am French, and most of us think that people come first. Not money, not work, not achieving things. People. Their feelings. Emotions. Food. Friends. Life.
No achievement-scale is needed: life is not a competition, it is a journey. A sunny day sharing lunch with friends or family is perfect to me.
Enjoying simple things, simple pleasures (but caviar and champagne are ok too!) with nice people is enough to make a day.
Enjoy that community you’ve built and helped through blogging, too. Few people really help others, but you sure do. Maybe we should tell you more often.
A pity you don’t travel abroad, you would fall in love with Europe I’m sure.
(Huh. Maybe it is an American thing. Food for thought… ~ Jenny)
Probably 2 days a month I feel like I’ve actually accomplished something. 4 or 5 days I’ll feel like I have accomplished something but then at midnight, when I’m lying in bed and the house is quite the little worry monsters come out and shatter any illusion of productivity. “So what you did the dishes before you went to bed. Can’t you see that enormous pile of laundry underneath your monstrous To Do list?!”
But then I remember the monsters are allergic to chocolate and asphyxiate them to death.
But seriously, who is “normal”, who isn’t struggling, and who the hell ate all of my damn chocolates?!
Yep. Yep. Yep. .. That’s what I kept saying to myself as I read this. I too am struggling with writers block on my MSc thesis. Its difficult to write when you feel like a putz. I too, only have the energy to feel great as a person a few days a month. Yeah I take brain drugs too but that doesn’t make motivation happen, just makes me less erratic. I try to step back and see that, yes I am making progress. Its slow progress, but I’m ok with that. Getting my supervisor to read what I have done helps me see the directions I need to go with my writing. Maybe hand over what you have to a second pair of eyes you trust to help you find some inspiration.
Screw the PTA energetic moms. Their kids will likely end up resenting them, while yours will be spilling all her secrets to you. Better to be there for your own kid then argue like hens about next month’s fundraiser.
Lots of Love: BreeMW
It’s so reassuring to know I’m not the only person out there who feels like this. Even when I’m starting to feel like I’m getting myself together and I might appear to be a normal, put-together person to the outside world, I’m silently freaking out wondering when everybody else is going to figure out that I can’t manage my life and I probably shouldn’t have kids or a job or a house or a husband because I sure as heck can’t take care of them all, let alone myself! So yeah, it’s not just you. Thanks for making me feel like I’m not alone.
I feel like an incredible fuck up 90% of the time. I can’t even do the math to figure out how many days a month that is. Every day I feel like I’m being a terrible person in some way and that I’ve accomplished nothing with my life. Each day I get through without offing myself is a giant win, so my win streak is pretty impressive at this point. 35 years and counting.
My biggest goal is to be the kind of mother I never had. Should I have bigger dreams? Perhaps. But I don’t. Just this one. So I strive for my kids to always know unconditional love, for them to always need me and know I’ll always be there but be secure enough to set their own course and the courage to pursue it.
Some days I puff my chest up and say “Damn self! You got June Cleaver beat!” and then there are days that my teenage son blocks me on Instagram and I’m crushed and can’t understand where I went wrong or why he doesn’t want to share every detail of his personal life and worry that he’s turning to a life of sex, drugs and rock and roll. (The rock and roll part I’d be ok with.)
I get up early and I pack their lunch and I remember to add a fresh fruit to go along with their sandwich and 2 drinks because it’s game day and they need to be hydrated and because I’m that level of kick ass prepared and then I get the text that says he found a hair in the artfully crafted wrap I made him for lunch.
And there are the days that I make the team meal, keep team stats during the game all while cheering and taking Sports Illistrated quality pictures and I even remember to bring a post game treat for my special player….Woot! Woot! Look at me go……and then they remind me I forgot to bring home the posterboard they needed for science class.
So I guess every day I get a little closer to feeling like I’m succeeding at my goal. And every day I feel a little further away. But giving up isn’t an option. So I’ll get up tomorrow and try again. (Only this time I’ll put my hair in a ponytail before making their lunch.)
I know what you mean and I am probably in the 3-4 day range myself. But when I start thinking that way I remember that life is not about a checklist of accomplishments, it’s about experiences and relationships. People dont have bucket lists for the list itself-they have them so they can have experiences from the items on the list.
When people pass away others people don’t talk about whether that person was on the PTA or always had clean hair. They remember how dedicted that person was to their kids, spouse, pets, etc. My sister can get more done in a day than I can get done in a week but one thing I love about her is that she sometimes puts her sweater on backwards or inside out…or both. Even the most accomplished people have cracks somewhere.
You’re not a fraud. Everyone is fucked up in some way. It’s just not always obvious.
You are not alone. I don’t have depression or anxiety (at least…maybe not?), but my husband does. So I understand. Well, not 100%, because I don’t get the spiraling highs and lows or hear what he hears in his mind – all I can do is be there for him and remind him depression lies. But I see it. I feel it next to him. He’s 50/50 – just switched meds, and I see the struggle.
However, I have a newborn (5 months old, baby girl names Leia. YES like Princess Leia, so +10 nerd cred) and the amount of mommy guilt from other women, and sometimes men, is astounding. I had experienced post-partum depression and it scared the hell out of me. No one really talks about how dark it can go, they just say “but look at your beautiful baby” and “it will pass in a few days”. It passed WEEKS later, not days, so maybe I do understand the struggle a tiny bit. I take what I do with her day by day. Sometimes I have to break it down into hour by hour because I am a working mom too. Little victories. No matter what choices I make, someone has an opinion that they are incorrect. So I learned quickly that I hear you, but I’m not fucking listening to you. I can’t always be the perfect mother, but I can be the best mother for her that I can be for her and myself today. I refuse to let my daughter hear the negativity and I don’t want her to feel it, not this young. She will feel all of that on her own someday.
But today will not be that day.
I have neither depression, personality disorders (diagnosed anyway ?) or anxiety and I mostly always feel unsuccessful and as though I should be working harder, doing more, trying to do something, etc. I lost a good job that made me feel I was succeeding at something some of the time several years ago and every since I have just not quite landed on my feet. Just this week I had a job offer revoked because of an error by the company’s HR person, which could have set me spiraling, but instead I’ve decided, “Fuck It!” I don’t need to be the best, or be the shiny person everyone expects. I need to be happy, and ensure my family is happy, and perhaps that means we live smaller, and have less. Perhaps that will make us all the richer in the end. Hopefully this re-qualification of ‘enough’ works, because it’s getting late in the day for perfection, and I doubt it even exits for anyone. We are all getting through the shit to get to the good moments, which may be few and far between, but taking getting through to get to.
Jenny, you are sooooo not alone. Pretty much described my life, too. I just try to keep thinking, I’ll do better tomorrow, I’ll do better tomorrow.
I’m in tears. I could have written that, word for word. On paper, I am very successful and even ahead of the game. That’s what everyone else sees. But in my head, I am a loser, I am stupid, and I am a failure. I wish I could see myself differently, even for one day.
I was feeling pretty proud of myself last night, when I saw that the Pope retweeted me. Then I realized it was a Pope imposter. Then I realized that, alas, I had done very little with my day.
As for honest feedback, I think my total days of feeling “successful” are higher than yours, which is weird, because you are actually a successful and published writer. Sometimes this self-delusion has served me well – because I prefer being happy – but maybe it makes me complacent. Maybe you can re-frame your “not so successful” feeling into motivation, or focus on what you DID do. I’m a fan of Mr. Roger’s “turn that frown upside down”, or or if that doesn’t work, then take Ben Harper’s advice and “burn one down”.
You are not alone, Jenny! I’ve felt like a miserable failure and that it was too late to make something of my life since I was 16. I’m 29 now and still have nothing to show for myself, but maybe someday, right? I have depression, anxiety, idiopathic hypersomnia (which means I’m fluffing exhausted all the time and the doctors have no idea why) and terminal laziness. I have to force myself to do anything besides going to the job I abhor and coming home again. I’m supposed to stay on top of the laundry and the litter boxes, but that only gets done at all if it ABSOLUTELY MUST GET DONE RIGHT NOW HOLY CRAP WE’RE OUT OF PANTS!!!! What kills me is that I sit in my cubicle hell thinking about how much I’d like to go home and cook a proper dinner, but there’s no food in the house and by the time I get out of here there’s no way I’ll have the energy to go to the store. I have no idea how we haven’t starved to death. Probably pizza delivery. Pizza delivery is keeping us alive. I seriously suck at life. But I try not to think about that too much. Instead, I remind myself that my husband loves me, and my cats love me, and one day I won’t have to do this stupid job anymore, and maybe tomorrow I’ll fold the countless piles of clean laundry in the living room. If it still counts as clean now that the cats have been laying on it for weeks. It totally does. Any cat owner will tell you that you won’t be able to tell the difference between those and what’s been hanging in the closet all along.
I’m sitting here naked in an empty bathtub reading your blog post, avoiding the kids. School’s out today (L’Shana Tova, btw). There aren’t any towels in here, so I am air drying. Some days I feel great, some days, not so much. It would break my heart if the kids knew what was going through my head most of the time. I know they love me, though, and trying to see myself as they see me helps.
I’m 49 and a dude that is on the surface, fairly successful – you know, job with a semi-important title, a happy marriage, own a home, no kids by choice so extra disposable income, etc…
I’m not depressed and don’t take meds like you do but I must say – you seem to be more normal than most. Sorry if that offends.
As for feeling successful – I feel that way maybe three days a month – most of the time I just feel content.
And that’s not bad.
Nope. Not just you at all. Chronic pain has me particularly down this last year, but the fear/anxiety/insecurity have been hanging around for many years. I suspect, deep down, they were always there. I don’t know why. I also feel like the poster above who didn’t gauge it in days, but hours. I haven’t actually stopped to think about how often I feel good. I’ll have to ponder on it.
I’m an artist. It’s show season. I haven’t made new stuff in the last year. Feeling particularly guilty and worthless right now. I’m trying to place an order for supplies & I’m on day 2 & can’t even get that done. But I keep trying & I absolutely have days I want to just give up – for good. But I don’t. More often I just give up for the day or the week.
I have started to do some meditation & I think that is helping. Here is a link to a free guided meditation that I got recently. I find it very helpful. I suggest a reclining position & use earbuds/earphones. I’m not afiliated with these folks in any way other than just enjoying their stuff. I hope you, Jenny, and ALL the folks reading this/posting responses will take advantage of this & give it a try. It certainly won’t hurt & it very may well help.
http://www.silvalifesystem.com/online/meditation-for-relaxation?otag=silva2ss&utm_source=email2&utm_medium=content&utm_campaign=silva
I just teared up and got goosebumps- this is something I have seriously been thinking a lot about lately myself, only I called it “I’m never gonna learn how to be a grownup, I’m just faking it.”
I try to tell myself that everyone is just faking it, and no one knows what’s behind the things you see, but when what you see is so… *put together*, that’s really hard to believe.
I have also been trying to deal with the fact that I’ve realized fairly recently that some people seem to actually like me – which realization has actually cause major (positive) shifts in the way I act, because if people actually *notice* me, then, uh, maybe I’d better try not to be a dumbass… But I don’t understand WHO it is they think they like, because it’s sure as hell not who *I* think I am.
I’ve worked hard enough on doing better that I no longer think people are just patronizing me or pitying me, I can believe, at least to an extent, that whatever I’m showing them is apparently working, I just wish I could see whatever it was they’re seeing.
(This isn’t worded quite right, this sounds like I’m fishing, or doing that annoying “being falsely self-deprecatory so people will say nice things” crap, but that is NOT it. I just don’t understand when people I’ve met before seem genuinely happy to see me again, because I can’t imagine what *I* have possibly brought to their lives.)
… So today, for you, at least maybe recognizing how many of us you help drag through the same swamp of feelings can help you give yourself a gold star. (Shoot, you have folks dressing up AS you ’cause we think you’re so awesome, and a lot of it is *because* you show the same cracks and dirt and slouchy couch days and self-doubt that we can all relate to in varying degrees.)
I probably can’t add anything new to the conversation but I can state that I feel just like this blog post almost every day of the month. Right now I feel worse, because this fucked up life has entrusted me with a broken, broken person: my mentally ill niece who is 27 and has been in my care since she turned 14, who’s in the hospital right now with liver problems because she’s mentally ill and drinks to shut out the voices in her head and ignores the fact that she has liver problems, and I can’t sit with her all day and help her negotiate her health needs, because I’m 42 and stuck answering phones in a customer-service center rather than “using your degree” (in English. Please, tell me, HOW should I use that, other than teaching…teaching whom? You don’t want me teaching your children. I remind myself of the Dilbert cartoon where Dogbert is babysitting and the parents come home and ask, “Did you change the baby?” and Dogbert says, “Oh, I think so.” But I digress.)
So. It’s not a contest, and I don’t want to win, but I want you to understand that we’re out here. Your crazy, fucked up tribe is out here, doing what we do and trying every day to pretend we’re normal and successful, even if we can’t tell you what successful is.
The problem with comparing yourself to people on Facebook, Twitter or even at the PTA is that you’re seeing everyone’s “highlight reel.” You’re seeing them acting their best…sharing the best of themselves. You’re not seeing the person who let their kids eat ice cream before lunch, the person who considers a package of Grands Cinnamon Rolls to be a dinner, the person who wears earplugs rather than have to listen to their child’s voice for one more minute, or the person who leaves dirty dishes in the sink until new life forms start to emerge. I may post more later. Hugs. You’re not alone!
I very rarely feel successful. I’m in a minimum wage job that is eating away at my soul, I’m 27 and am surrounded by friends who are working in dream jobs or on their way there. I have aspirations that I don’t work towards. I made a list once of all the things I’m proudest of myself for so I can refer to it when it gets really bad. Once I ripped it up. But made myself glue it back together.
Your post comes to me on a day where I feel like I am barely getting by. I am home on maternity leave with my baby, and most days I feel like all I have managed to accomplish is to keep us both alive.
I have a few days a month, maybe 4, where I feel like I win at life. Otherwise I feel like I am coasting through, accomplishing nothing. I don’t suffer from depression or any anxiety issues, so don’t feel like those things are what make you feel this way. I think it is just very common and normal
I don’t have any suggestions to improve things, just know that you are not alone.
This is 100% normal.
Everyone* puts on their best face for the world to see. There is enormous pressure in this culture to look like you’re living the high life. The truth, though, is that it’s all show and tell, and every mentally-healthy person feels like a fraud at least part of the time, and everyone feels like they’re struggling to keep up.
When you compare yourself with what you see of other people, you’re comparing your imperfect self to the image of perfection that others put forth.
No one is perfect. No one is who they seem to be from the outside. Everyone worries that they’re not good enough (and if they don’t, that’s a mental illness all on its own).
So while you do have complicating factors for your own mental state, I can say with absolute certainty that you are your own worst critic. Do what you can, but don’t worry that you’re a failure at life because you don’t pass muster compared with everyone else (in your mind — and in your mind only).
You can only reasonably compare you with you.
* Well, ok, almost everyone
The best and worst advice I could give you is not to judge yourself by others’ standards. It’s almost impossible, and I honestly don’t know whether anyone other than my dad is good at it, but I think it’ll help.
I’m eighteen, and even though a lot of people disregard it and basically think it’s my job right now to screw up, it still sucks. I don’t feel successful very often, either, and most days I feel like a five-year-old.
One more thing, and I learned this from my own (wonderfully) fucked-up mother. I know it seems counterproductive, but you being crazy, and weird, and really real might help Hailey more than being on the PTA or having picnics. My mother was (and is) crazy, and neurotic, and obsessive, but it taught me that it was okay not to be perfect. I still try my damnedest, but I have a better foundation in reality and a better outlook about myself and others (I don’t judge them as harshly for not being perfect, either.). I don’t know if this will help you, but I hope it does.
YANA.
I don’t have anything helpful to say really but, you help me in small, but such important ways when you share things like this. I also have pretty severe depression caused by generalized anxiety disorder. I feel like I fail at life 98.9% of the time, and that I should have my “adult card” taken away and cut up. When you post stories like this one, telling all your readers that you feel that way too it makes me feel better. Because if someone as kickass awesome as you feels that way, maybe I’m not so broken after all. Maybe that’s just how we all feel. So I keep trying. So, thank you.
I can’t pay attention long enough to notice how often I feel really good or not. But I do know I have some days that i get to say, “hey, neat. I did some stuff.” and other days when I’m just lucky that most of the people here eat something.
I moved into our place ~8 years ago and am still not done unpacking. or from the two moves before that. I’m woefully behind on a huge list of things that must be done soon, but are exceedingly challenging for my brain. They are there just looming, casting a shadow over all of the things I DO manage to get done by their sheer existence and enormity.
So, no. You aren’t alone.
Crap, I meant to say some of it is your mental illness making you feel like you’re not enough. Instead I made it sound like you suck because you have an illness. Blugh, sorry. I pink sparkly heart you and you are awesome. 🙂
I admit I only read your blog now and then or I might get a better picture. But here’s my take.
I also have suffered from anxiety and depression all my life and have beat myself up for my short comings.
First, stop worrying about being successful. It’s obvious that what you now see should be important may not be taking first priority. Step back and evaluate. Are you letting family take a back seat to your career?
As much as we all love you and hope to continue seeing work from you, I fear all of it will suffer and come crashing down if you don’t just step back.
Also, joy isn’t the same as happiness. Taking joy in everything you do is huge. It takes conscious purposeful actions to make the change.
I hope that all makes some sense.
I feel successful maybe four days a month. Usually when I’ve written something awesome, or had a good performance. The rest of the time I’m just floating along doing my best not to actually drown.
No, I don’t think I even have 3- days per month where I feel like I kicked ass. Maybe 3-4 days per month where I feel at peace with everything, but never really a sense of accomplishment.
I wash my hair every day, but that’s because it looks too greasy and gross to avoid washing it.
I know how to recycle, but that’s because we just have a big blue tote with a large sticker on that tells me all of the things that can go in it and I don’t have to separate.
I bought a house last October–2/3 of it is still full of unpacked boxes and is still not set up. I tell myself that NO ONE really has those super clean put together houses all the time. I don’t really KNOW this, but no one I have ever met has such a house for more than a few hours before a party starts. (Even then, you might not want to open the closets.) My boss actually pays for a maid service, but his 6 kids keep his house in a condition that makes me proud of my dog’s house training.
A recent study showed that people are generally more depressed by Facebook for the exact reason you mentioned. You see all these accomplishments, tidy houses, perfect vacations and then you compare these hand-selected moments that came out against your entire life. That’s not a realistic comparison.
When I graduated college, my mom cried because she was SO proud of me. As the youngest of three siblings, I understood that this was a momentous thing for her. But when she whispered to me, “You did it! You did what I could never do!” I was truly perplexed. Yes, I went straight through high school and finished college in 4 years. My mom had all three of us before going back to school when I was five. To my mind, SHE accomplished more. What does it take to muddle through school taking care of myself and a dog, compared to what she did?! She took care of three young children (I can’t imagine trying to read Organic Chemistry while sitting next to my loud, bouncy 5 year old self!), kept up a house, cooked all meals for her family, and made time for dates with her husband. She did this while fending off nasty comments from my Grandma about how stupid she was for trying to have a career, that she was bound to ruin her family doing this, and who would want to be a nurse, anyway? My mom thought she was not a success because she didn’t do things right. I didn’t think I was much of a success because my mom showed me how hard it could have been.
I don’t know you–no matter how much I feel I can relate to you through your writings–but I’m pretty sure that the reason you never feel accomplished or successful is because that is the feeling you have when you get to the top of the mountain. Being at the top means take a look around, you’re DONE. You’ve made it. You don’t feel accomplished because you’re still going, still striving for more out of life. That’s not a bad thing. It means you actually believe in your own abilities enough to accomplish more–you are just frustrated by a lack of time, energy and money. I think this is the most natural, logical thing in the world and a lot of people feel this way.
Give yourself a break every once in a while. Everyone is struggling. Some people hide it well. We love your blog because you do not attempt to hide it from us and we love being able to relate to you.
I only “feel successful” a few days a month. Maybe 1 or 2. I think feeling clueless and envying other people who have their shit together is a universal thing, though.
Part of life, and worse for those of us with depression and anxiety because we take the perceived difference between our own lives and other people’s better lives and make it personal. We take it out on ourselves, our self esteem. We already have limited resources to deal with the world, and comparing yourself to the (false) image that everyone else is projecting just makes it worse.
In short, I’ve had days where I wished I could be as awesome as you. I’m sure other people have had days where they wanted to be as awesome as me. If you have 1 of those days a month, or all 31 doesn’t matter – we’re all there with you at some point.
Jenny, there’s nothing I can say that will possibly make you feel better as a person. I’m a shitty person too. I’ve always been introverted and terrified of embarrassing myself in front of people. I’m so bad that people believe I’m stuck up instead of aware that if I make eye contact with them, I might accidentally burn them to death with my eyeballs* and commit a really serious social faux pas (*that’s never happened, but who’s to say it couldn’t?).
I have may 10 days (maybe, if we’re really pushing it) in a month where I’m sure I’m accomplishing all kinds of good things in my life. Where I feel like I haven’t let my husband down because he’s told me in the past that I’m so distant, we might as well be on different planets. I spend most of my time buried in a word processing program inventing fake worlds, writing characters that actually have lives, while mine is…empty, and it’s all my fault. My mom once told me she used to love to mess with my hair when I was little, but as I got older, I didn’t want to be touched. I have no idea why I’m this way, I only know it’s gotten worse since my dad died in ’03 and it’s like I have to be in my own world to cope.
I’ve been told I’m funny and clever and smart, that I’m a talented writer. I got my first book contract in March and a second in June, and yet when I look at what I’ve done, I just think, maybe everyone is crazy and I’m the only sane one. I’m the only one who sees how bad this really is. I’m a total fraud. The critics are right, this book I’ve written really is terrible and I’m wasting my time, but if I wasn’t writing, I’d be wasting my time doing nothing.
After my dad died, I was in college and a few weeks later, one of my not so close friends said, “You’re really together. If it was my dad, I’d be a huge mess.” And all I could think was, you should see what it’s like on the inside, because there aren’t even words for how much emotional pain I’m in. I just feel like that a lot of the time. Like I’m holding up a big mask and the world thinks I’m good with it, but really, I’m having a melt down.
I’m sorry we feel this way. That drawing in air (which is subconscious) is a major achievement and we ought to be given a medal for it some days. You’re not alone sister. Just keep on going one day at a time. That’s about all we can do. Love you, even if you don’t think you’re accomplishing anything. You’re brave for telling us about your insecurities.
I think you just described every woman on earth. I believe that success, or if you prefer, happiness, doesn’t have a definition. It is what you say it is.
Measuring yourself against other people is a slippery slope. I struggled mightily with this as a new mother that quit a successful career to stay home and raise her kids. Had I given up? Did not showering everyday make me a loser? If the house was messy, would my husband still love me? Answers in order: No, No, Yes.
It takes an amazing amount of strength for anyone to just get through this life. Facebook, Twitter, the internet in general…I sincerely believe it sets us up for failure. Looking at someone’s Pinterest page or their handmade crafts on Etsy makes me want to cry. Who has time for this stuff? How can I possibly work that into my already crammed full day of ferrying kids to and fro, working from home every spare moment I have, and trying to cook and clean for my family? The answer is…I can’t and I won’t. Choices must be made and I won’t feel bad about them. Good enough is AWESOME!
This is a long way of saying, I figured out what my priorities are and I focus on those. My kids. My husband. Myself. If I’ve helped my kids finish their homework and shared a meal with my family (shared…not necessarily made), spent some real time with my husband (not just sitting next to him on the couch while we both work on our Ipads), and done something for myself every day (read a book, talk to a friend, take a walk), I’m happy. I’ve succeeded. My opinion, and that of my kids and husband, is the only one that matters.
Some days I fail. Some days traffic was awful and there’s nothing for dinner and the kids forgot their homework. I’m truly lucky that I have an amazing husband that can tell when I’m about to go over the deep end. He picks up the slack, runs out for food, reminds the kids that bringing their stuff home is their responsibility, not mine or his, and then rubs my feet after they go to bed. He’s the best. He gets it. We’re all just trying out best. That’s our definition of happiness.
Can I tell you how many days I’m happy…how about 5 out of 7. More often than not….but I had to stop comparing myself to other “happy” people to get there. Decide what matters most and focus on that. Unpacking boxes and making your home perfect may or may not make that list. If order is necessary for your happiness, then maybe it does. For me, being here for my kids, being their Mom, being a wife (not a servant), making a few bucks working from home, and spending time with family and friends are my priorities. Doing those things makes me happy.
The rest just doesn’t matter…
I don’t usually feel like an imposter. That said, it doesn’t bother me if my hair is unwashed, and I assure you, I do not own a picnic basket. My house isn’t all that clean, I really can’t walk through my storage room, there’s stuff that’s been broken for years that we have simply stopped seeing.
I haven’t set a very high bar for what I define as “successful living.” I joke that my job as a parent is keeping my kids between the ditches – literally (one’s a driver) and figuratively – and that’s what I try to do for myself, too. The rest, as they say, is gravy.
I remember one time, I was in a friend’s boss’ kitchen. It was sooo clean; nothing was out of place. Then I found out she never made coffee…she always went out for it. I’m not awake enough in the mornings to buy coffee…and, mine is so much better…and I make a couple pots every day. I would rather my messy coffee pot, and a nice hot cup of coffee than a clean kitchen. My clothes also don’t hang on me as good as the catalogues…but then again, I don’t want someone binder clipping them in the back either. Life is about choices… and sometimes, the choice I want to make is to sit on the couch, drooling and watching Dr. Who. Sure, I may be a failure at another person’s life…but at mine…I’m a rockstar! 🙂
Aw hell, you asked us how many days we had that were normal. I was thinking more like hours. Struggled with these very same issues my whole life. Why the hell do you think I follow you? You help me feel normal, unlike all those straight laced PTA moms.
Nope. Not just you. Not even a little tiny bit.
Well- first of all I have depression and anxiety and am on meds so may not be the best person to answer this question. How many days a month do I feel like I kicked ass? honestly? None. I very rarely feel like I kick ass or am successful. I am in survival mode right now. I am attempting to redefine “successful” as “if everyone is still alive and feels loved at the end of the day” we’ll count that as a successful day. I try not to think about it because when I do I usually end up crying.
What makes me feel worst? I feel like if I could just get my shit together my kids would have a better chance at… everything. My oldest has autism and I feel like I can’t make life work the way he needs it to. And my middle has inherited my anxiety and isn’t that just the worst feeling in the world? And my youngest- my only girl… I can’t even begin to describe the fear I feel when I think of how inadequate I am in preparing her for all she is going to face in her life. I barely survived highschool… how am I going to prepare her for it?
What do you do to make myself feel more successful? I find my people. I come here. I remind myself I am not alone and I am not the only one who feels this way. I remind myself that depression lies and anxiety is a harsh task master and that I will never ever ever live up to the false expectations I have of myself. I remind myself that my children are loved and cared for so at least they have that going for them.
Hehe, do you still get a chance to read the comments this far down?
I’m a blogger. I’m one of those bloggers who makes those pretty food pictures that make other moms angry on Pinterest (after lots of screw-ups). I’m that woman at the bus stop who is all dressed up like she’s getting ready to go work as a business profession, but in reality I’m about to go write about the dress I’m wearing for some client and sit on my couch. For most people stopping by my blog or seeing me outside, I’m a perfectly happy housewife.
-They don’t see that I lose my temper. I yell at the kids and watch them hurt at whatever venom just came out.
-They don’t see me fight the self-doubt that comes with being divorced and how much I feel I’ve ruined my children’s lives.
-They don’t see me pushing down everything I feel to take care of a boyfriend with heavy depression and borderline personality disorder who blames me for the sun not shining bright enough.
–A boyfriend who believes marriage is a waste of time, which I tend to take personally
-They don’t see me miss meals because I’m afraid there won’t be enough left at the end of the week for everyone else and I can’t bring myself to ask for money to go to the grocery early.
-Nobody sees me look at my Google Analytics at the end of the month and want to cry when I see less and less people stopping by my sites (my only source of income).
The truth is that while I’d be considered moderately successful, with my children in a nice home and some of the best schools in our state, I only feel like I’m worth anything a couple of days a month. The rest, I feel like my whole life has wandered so far from the path I’d hoped to follow that I’ll never get back to where I wanted to go, but I push through it because of the two little blue-eyed boys depending on me. I hope they never have to feel this way.
I count my successful days by the year rather than the month, and they’re usually too far between to count. Having just recently found myself out of the job that was putting a roof over our heads, I only have a couple more months to find something else, or I don’t even want to think about where we’ll end up. But I’m so crippled by fear and self-doubt that if I didn’t have a dog I have to take outside so she can pee, I don’t think I’d ever get out of bed.
It took me years, but I found the way to feeling good about myself is understanding my strong and weak points, then being OK with it. I’ll never join the PTA unless someone puts a gun to my head. I hate parties and drink liberally when forced to attend and I don’t really drink any other time. I understand I have social anxieties, BUT I don’t allow those things to control my life. I’m happy no attending parties now. I use to want to be ‘normal’, but that isn’t me. I will leave the PTA to people like my husband who are born to lead and socialize. They would do a better job than me anyway. I would promise to do something, forget until the last minute, get stressed out about the deadline, turn into a horrible wife and mother due to the stress. Everyone is better off with me NOT in the PTA. I have grown comfortable knowing no person is great at everything, few people are really great at ANYTHING. I am a good dog trainer. I am a very gentle and kind person. I am a loving mother. I am a skilled home renovator. My house isn’t perfectly clean, but who cares! As long as I am happy with my house, no one else matters.
When my twins were born, something had to give. I couldn’t keep the house I use to keep. I couldn’t do all the things I could before. A year of depression ensued before I fully grasped I needed to let things go. My twins birth and that horrible year was the best thing that happened to me. It taught me to not micro manage my husband. Who cares if he puts the silverware and dishes in the dishwasher in a less than perfectly organized way? At least those dishes are not sitting in the sink!
I suppose what I am saying is try to be happy with who you are now, if that is only 4 days a month of what you think is productivity, great. That is 4 days more than zero! When you find happiness in yourself, the productivity (or at least your view of it) will change for the better.
I also suffer from anxiety and depression, and I haven’t felt “successful” at any point for a number of years. You might find this scary, but I find you one of the “shiny” people because you get to write (which I always wanted to do) and constantly be funny and observant have have a successful book a contract for another one and know lots of interesting people.
I guess keep doing what you’re doing. Maybe look at the things that make you feel guilty (like unpacked boxes; I have one from 1994 in my basement) and try to accomplish them bit by bit. Try taking a shower every other day, or opening one of the boxes. Wish I had better advice.
~k
Here’s the advice my lovely shrink always gives me: Quit comparing yourself to others. Quit looking at other people’s lives to measure yourself against it. What do you get out of it? Most of the time you feel bad about yourself because you’re not “as good”. Or what you perceive as not good.
Doesn’t matter. You’re you. You accomplish(ed) things, you have things to be proud of. Would other people be proud of them? Who cares? Measure yourself against the best you that you can possibly be.
And no, you’re not alone with this. That’s a behavioral/cultural thing we do. The grass is always greener on the other side. Sure, it’s annoying not to fit in and feeling like you’re always a day behind everybody else trying to catch up – but if you get off the hamster wheel and do things the way that YOU need to do them you accomplish two things: You get them done and you don’t feel bad about them.
And you know you’re loved by people, so just know that they love you the way you are. And that’s all that matters. 🙂
I don’t have depression or mental illness and I still only feel successful maybe once or twice a week. (It often correlates with getting enough sleep – but not always.)
By that standard I think you’re doing quite well.
What sometimes works is, thank the voices in your head for sharing and get on with whatever you were doing before they so rudely interrupted.
Also, hugs.
You are most definitely not alone. 99% of people are just not brave enough to admit it.
and at yours… you’re a rockstar too!!!
You are SO NOT alone. Now I have never been diagnosed with depression or ADD or anything, but let me tell you how unproductive I feel. Outside of my work life I probably feel like a productive human being 5-6 days out of the month. The others just seem to be me getting by on what little routine I happen upon. What makes me feel even worse about it are those around me. No, they ae not doing or saying anything to me, I’m doing this to myself! My mom may not keep the “cleanest spot-free” home, but she is crafty and always the life of the party no matter what situation she is in. I on the other hand suck at being entertaining or throwing a party without her where everyone doesn’t seem absolutely bored to tears. My boyfriend’s mom may not going out or be the life of the party either, but her house is almost spotless! She takes care of her two grandsons (7 & 3) full time. How!?! My house always looks like a tornado hit it! It’s just my boyfriend, our two year and me. Honestly my two year old doesn’t really make that big of a mess either. But my crap is every where!! Then I get on Facebook and Pinterest and try to think of all these really cool things I “should” be doing with my time, the kids, and in the kitchen. Talk about looking even more-less productive. I think in our day and age we are somewhat blinded to how much simpler life used to be. Therefore making those of us who enjoy it simple, feel like WE are doing it all wrong. I also came across this article a while back… check it out: http://blogs.phillymag.com/bewellphilly/2012/11/01/mom-run-facebook-pinterest-feel-crappy-mom/
Hope things start looking up for you, you make me smile everytime I read your posts. Oh and on a totally different note, I found this place that sells more “Beyonces” I laughed when they had smaller ones (like tiny sized) My friend said they were Michelle and Kelly; their size was representative of their careers which is why Beyonce was so much bigger! Made me think of you and laugh some more!!
You asked for comments…..it seems that your friends here came through! You sound so totally normal to me – but I’m all fucked up, too! I haven’t considered how many good days I actually have…I just keep trying to get through them. I marvel all the time how people’s perceptions of me are so different than the real me. I have subscribed to the “fake it till you make it” theory for so long I don’t how to do it any differently. I really think the “pastel” people are doing it, too – they’re just better at it than we are. As Glennon at Momastery says, “Carry on, Warrior!”.
Mine is interesting … I’m one of those people (lucky, I guess?) whose experience in therapy totally turned her life around. Totally around. 180. I feel like I am the person who I was supposed to be. A year ago at this time I was on the brink of trying to kill myself and then I read one of your “depression lies” posts and I got the strength to go get help. No joke. So I am happy to return the favor now.
Background – I had a massive codependency issue. It was killing me. I am in recovery and every day gets better and better. I still backslide but I learn from it and get back on the wagon.
How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person?
BT (before therapy) – Only when I was at work, never in my personal life.
Now – Maybe 75% of the time. But self compassion is something I have to work very hard on.
What makes you feel the worst?
BT and now – Negativity from other people. I internalize and amplify it.
What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?
BT – Tried a bunch of things, nothing worked.
Now – For me working codependent recovery steps and working on self compassion and going low/no contact with the negative people in my life has helped greatly. It’s really about reconstructing my smashed self compassion and self esteem to a normal balance of pride vs. constructive criticism. But I’m working on it.
And this year I even volunteered to be one of the class moms. No joke. Talk about scary. I’ll probably suck at it but that’s ok, I’m an unpaid volunteer so they can only expect so much. Really. I can’t imagine the kids notice or care if I don’t go all Martha Stewart in the classroom anyway.
It’s not just you, and you are not alone. I struggle with depression and am on meds. I “allow” myself one day a week to be a sloth – usually Saturday – nothing is planned unless absolutely necessary. I have also set up pretty specific tasks to be done on certain days. For example on Monday all the trash goes out, including changing the cat litter, cuz Tuesday is trash pick up day. I work full time out of the house and don’t have kids at home anymore, but I find if I can attach a day of the week to a specific task, I feel like I at least got that one thing done that day. Baby steps, they help. Hugs!
I’ve never commented here, I’m so nervous!
Obviously so many of us feel this way, right? I’m a business owner, been married 25 years, and a grad student. When I got the acceptance letter to school I was pretty sure they made a mistake. I still think they will find out what a fraud I am and I’ll be kicked out. Or that I am the “token” failure they let in for laughs. I’ve lived in my house for 6 years and still don’t have many pictures on the walls. We made that a goal- 3 years ago- and recently have put up one picture.
I have times in my day where I feel together. I don’t usually have an entire day or strings of days. I don’t have kids so I don’t have that reason for being frazzled and stressed. I just am frazzled and stressed. My shrink does say that we can get to a point we feel pretty good most of the time. I’m waiting
I wonder about people I see in life, or on TV, and especially the other students in my class. All these people walking around through the day who look like they have it together. They are slim and obviously not the failure I am. How do they do it? What is missing in me?
One of the above comments mentioned being a child of a narcissistic mother. I have a couple books on that– of course I haven’t read them— but that sounds somewhat accurate.
I used you, Jenny, in one of my classes as an example of what I would like my online presence to be. You are brutally honest and you say those things we are thinking and yet scared to say.
Thank you for showing me that you can feel like an impostor and still be lovely. That you can be vulnerable. And to all the people that have commented on your blogs– the amount of caring I see from total strangers gives me hope.
I try to to dwell on things I can’t control but it’s hard to let go sometimes. If I ever dared think about how much I fail on a daily basis, it would probably be the end of me. So I try to follow my grandmothers advice. She told me long ago, “When you find yourself on a rough road, just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, and soon you will find yourself back on solid ground” I repeat this to myself when things get hard. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It has served me well. Feel free to try it. It just might give you the ability to find yourself on solid ground. Good Luck.
About 2 weeks out of 4 if I’m lucky. And that is after a lot of hard work, talking myself into accepting that I’ll never be perfect, and maturing over the 40 years of my life.
If I’m not lucky… it’s a lot less than that.
I may not have any of what you have, but I am here to tell you that you aren’t alone in some ways! I feel like I’ve done nothing but exist and every two months or so I actually feel like I’ve accomplished something, but even then it’s not anything on a grand scale and it’s probably only for an hour or two. Maybe I knitted a scarf or actually wrote a blog post and caught up on my blog reading. For me the problem is because I’m still young, I’m lazy, and I really haven’t been doing anything with my life. I honestly think most people feel that way, they just don’t like to admit it. They like others to think they have their shit together, but who does really? I bet you, even some of the cheery parents at the PTA are feeling almost the same as you do. Stuck at home or stuck in a job that isn’t going anywhere. Their one bit of solace is the fact that their children are doing well in school. And every once in a while, they get that feeling of accomplishment. But it doesn’t come often.
So, you’re not alone. Mental illness or not, everyone feels that way at some point in their lives. Some of us feel it every day, we just don’t like to think about it. We push it to the back of our minds and cover it up so we can keep going.
You aren’t alone. And I don’t know if it’s helped you at all, but it’s really helped me to read all the comments to this post. I wish more people were this honest in daily life. Because most of the time? I feel like I’m the only oddball walking around, and judging by the tribe that has named you leader, law of averages says that isn’t true.
I probably have about 8 days a month where I feel like I’ve got a handle on this life thing. And every now and then I have those great-to-be-alive days. But those are few and far between. I’m not even suffering from depression. Anxiety, sure, but the meds are taking care of that for the most part. But mentally? I’m about as healthy as I get. And I still assume I’m fucking things up most of the time.
You are definitely not alone in this. I struggle every day to feel like I’m doing more than floating along, and sometimes I’m positively drowning. I have a visualization I use to help me assess where I am, and it’s a bit literal, in that it’s a pool of water with a floating platform I can sit on. So I try to figure out, am I sitting on the platform? In the water holding on to the edge? Underwater being sucked down by people-eating monster algae? Sometimes it helps me feel better just to know how I’m feeling in a given moment. Feel free to steal my visualization if it helps you too 🙂
You’ve just described “normal adult perma-worry,” as far as I can tell. Every friend I have past the early 20s does it, feels it, survives it on an ongoing basis. 3-4 days a month sounds dead-on for me, and a bit high for some of my friends. Constant imposter syndrome and spirals of celebrating small (bank-run) accomplishments which only lead to frustration, hopelessness and abusive internal monologues…it’s all painfully familiar.
I think the best solution I’ve found for it is to pile up the small successes rather than always focusing on the big things. Remember to treat things like enjoying time with family and friends as a success, and keep track of the little things that don’t seem impressive alone, but can add up when you look at them all together.
It’s the best I’ve found so far, and I hope it helps even a little bit. If not, at least know you’re far from alone. I am, and am surrounded by, the same feeling, and I don’t know that I remember a time when I wasn’t.
Some days just making it through the day is a victory. Some people are better at not showing how fucked up their life is and that they are struggling just to appear happy. Is my life perfect? Fuck no but for me when I get home and cuddle with my dog I find a peace that can settle me. Even knowing that just this morning she are some mystery brown thing from the yard that made me want to toss my cookies when I was trying to chase her down.
i am a long term follow and short term commenter, i fail miserably when it comes to commenting.
i see what you wrote today as me all over only i don’t even think i am that good that amount of the time, i am a long term Depression Anxiety, and OCD sufferer, and i can’t even get OCD right… you know most OCD’s clean? yeah well i make mess, and it’s not a little bit of mess, it’s whole house mess.
Right now i am going through a bit of spike in my depression and everything seems a bit worse,
i have 6 possibly 7 things i done right my whole life, my children and possibly my husband (i haven’t yet made up my mind if i even like him today or not (and it’s 8pm) it’s not looking promising let me tell you)
i am however off to Uni in 11 days and absolutly pooping towns, this is such a big step for me and i am not kidding i don’t do the whole social thing (unless it is text, email, or social media cause i can be anyone) i always manage to say something i shouldn’t and everyone ends up hating me (in my head more likely than anything)
But this is the way i was made, and i dunno if i am going to be like this rest of my life or wake up a completely different person tomorrow, but for now i am who i am flaws and crap towns and all.
I feel like that most days, it’s very rare that when I have a great day, I can acknowledge it. The negative tape runs through my head with the things I didn’t do or something I did to embarrass myself. I work on it daily by looking in the mirror and telling myself I love myself and I’m awesome. It’s making a difference, I love myself a little more today than yesterday. I no longer want to disappear from this earth. I choose to live instead of just surviving. One of the biggest things that helps is to know I’m not alone. I have people that love me and a community on the internet I can read to remind me, it can get better, depression lies. And thank you for that.
You are not a freak. Or at least you’re not a rare type of freak. I need to go turn the washing machine on because I left a load in there for so many days now, it needs to be run through again. The vast majority of the time, I go to bed not even wanting to think about how little I accomplished, but just wanting to shut my eyes against another lost day, and desperately praying that I’ll do better the next. What helps me sometimes, when I’m knee deep in it and 1000% aware that I’m failing at life, is to ask myself what’s one little thing I could quickly do that I know I’ll be glad I’ve done at the day’s end. If I can push myself through several of these little tasks, I feel like I can at least pretend I’m winning at life for a while. Some days though, even turning the washer on seems like a mountain too high for me.
Jenny- First time poster, I think. (Honestly can’t remember. If I did, I might have been in an ambien induced fog and have no recollection what I might have said.) So, anyway. This is coming from someone who used to be one of those “put together,” overachieving, senior-member-of-management-supposed-to-be-a-role-model-of-balancing-career-and-family women. IT’S ALL A BIG FAT LIE. The image of it all isn’t reality. House was a disaster, like all the time. If something wasn’t posing imminent danger to the children (knives on the floor), it didn’t even faze me. I was too tired to pick it up. Laundry? Pulling something out of the dryer and immediately putting it on was acceptable because at least it was clean. Bonus points for being all the way dry. At parent teacher conferences I was a deer in headlights because I wasn’t the homework parent. I had no idea what the teachers were talking about. I quit that job for a variety of reasons and haven’t looked back. And now? If I get 4 good days a month, I’m counting myself lucky.
You are not alone. You are perfectly normal. Those you see on Facebook and Pinterest who seem to live such perfect lives have only managed to perfect the shiny image they wish to show you. They are just as greasy haired smelly stressed and cranky as the rest of us. They just don’t want others to know that.
The internet is in many ways a horrible place. I wrote my thesis about the way it affects us and our identity – it changes us. We behave differently. We become more reckless, more narcissistic, more impulsive, more cruel, more shallow, more stupid and have less inhibitions. But it also allows us to be kind to strangers, explore sides of ourselves that we would fear to show to the world around us and let us be globally social.
When we see the perfect lives others show us online we desire it and attempt to imitateb it – when that imitation doesn’t live up to our expectations it can cause downright depression – but to use your own words; depression lies. When you attempt to imitate a lie how can it ever work out?
My point is: chin up. You’re a much more capable and successful person than your brain will allow you to accept you are right now. The rest of the world isn’t at all perfect.
I feel your pain! I feel like I have 2 to 5 days a month where I’ve actually done something that was ‘right’ or productive. I do NOT take compliments well at all. I feel as though people are lying to me or like you, that I am a fraud and someone is going to find out sooner or later. Really stressful days at work make me worse. Or my dad calling to brag about how awesome my younger sister is. (She is awesome…but on my crappy days, I really don’t need to hear it at 7:30 in the morning and again at 6:00 at night because he forgot he already called me to brag…) To make myself feel better and put myself back in an ‘ass kicker’ frame of mind, I go riding (horses). It puts me back into my happy place. (plus my meds. lol) Or I walk my dogs or handle my beardie…animals seem to calm me down. And reading!! Escaping into a world that isn’t my own reality also helps me! You are not alone! Best of luck on getting yourself to a better YOU!
I’m with you all the way! I’ve even had a kid tell me my house was messy. I prefer to think of it as lived in. I have something of a dream existence, working part-time on my own schedule from home. Do I feel as if I accomplish anything? Not usually! Instead, I live a “I could have” existence, thinking of all the things I could have done or could have done better, how I could have been a better person. But don’t worry. It’s a very big club we’re in.
You are most definitely NOT alone!
It’s not just you.
I’m going to repeat what others have said: Yoy can’t compare yourself to the sparkly shiny portraits you see online or at the PTA. Most people wear masks; most people are struggling and don’t want the world to see that fact.
I worked for a while as a pet sitter. I was going through a divorce, I wasn’t making enough to cover the bills, I was living in a not-great neighborhood, and the only thing getting me out of bed was my dedication to taking care of my cats. I would go into rich strangers’ homes to walk their pets, look at their perfect spotless homes, know that they had lives in which paying someone to take care of their pets every day, several times a day, was nothing… it fucked with my head in ways I don’t generally try to describe. And then someone on my friends’ list in my corner of the blogiverse described me as someone who had had her life together…and now didn’t. So..shit. Others could see the same chaotic depressed failure I saw in myself, and that was pretty horrifying.
But it didn’t define me.
And it got better.
I still struggle with depression and anxiety. I still hide in bathrooms. I don’t have all the struggles -and successes – you do, but it sure does help to have someone who writes the way you do, that I can point to and say, “Here, read this. It’ll help you understand why I’m hiding in the bathroom.”
I’m sorry you struggle so much, Jenny. And I grok – I really do – that knowing you have a tribe out there doesn’t always counterbalance all those Perfect People you’re measuring yourself up against. But. You truly aren’t alone. You truly are loved. And I guarantee that all the time and energy you are giving to Hailey matters more than any stupid Perfect Person measuring stick.
You are made of awesome and win and SO many cookies.
Be gentle with you.
And I hope you get to have more good days than bad.
**hug**
Stay away from Pinterest!
These days? 50% of the time, if I’m lucky. It’s never whole days, which is why I’m giving a percentage. Money stuff makes me feel the absolute worst–keeps me up at night, distracts me during the day, makes me cry, the works. To make myself feel better, I start making a list in my head of everything I have and everything I’ve managed in life. I walk around my house from room to room if I have to. It always works intellectually, but it doesn’t always work emotionally–in that case I turn to chocolate and a book or a movie or a walk by the water. Anything that takes me out of that headspace and puts me in another.
Your questions come at a weird time because I was wondering today if I should go back to therapy. I went for a year once during a really bad time in my life (situational; I stopped once I was back on my mental/emotional feet), and I’m sort of feeling a lighter version of how I felt then these days. I can’t help but wonder if it would help…I don’t feel anything like I did then–I was off the rails and I knew it, which was why I threw myself into therapy–but the shaky, avoiding stuff, stressed out and being tired all the time feelings are familiar.
I know, I mean I KNOW that much of the happy, shiny stuff I see on facebook, etc is the whitewashed this-is-what-we-want-people-to-see of each person’s life. Facebook is like reality tv for real people in that way. But there are weeks when I feel like a failure as a human being because of infertility. Or writer’s block. Or when I just can’t seem to beat Word or Excel into submission. Or because I kill every damned plant I try to grow.
Those times when I feel useless, however…those are speedbumps leading the way to when I’m not quite so useless. Those times when everything actually works, well except for growing a plant, and I feel like I’ve actually done something. I took a job that has huge potential for major impact in a field I care about. Some days it actually feels like we’re doing something. But many, many, many days it feels like we’re screaming at the wind.
It’s alright to feel like an imposter. It’s the people that never feel that way that I worry about.
I just read a blog post this morning that addresses this very thing, and expresses it better than I ever could:
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html?m=1
Especially that last sentence: “Quit being a jackass to yourselves.”
You aren’t alone, and I’m not even sure you are close to being in a minority here. I also suffer from depression and a host of other things stemming from CPTSD, but I can use an example from grad school. Every. Single. Student who went through a masters and most of a phd with or around me at one point or another told me they were afraid everyone would discover they were complete frauds and didn’t belong in the program. These were smart, engaged people, some of whom probably didn’t even have mental illness (are there people like that?) Some of the professors confided the same thing. (A few that didn’t actually WERE frauds.) So I think even “normal” people feel this way. I’m doing well if I remember to brush my teeth every day. That’s how high my bar is set, because any higher and I’d simply fail everything every day.
People use Pinterest and Facebook to show the world just what they accomplished when they feel they have accomplished nothing. Many of them are looking for the “attagirl” or “attaboy” that we ALL deserve when we remember to brush our teeth every day.
Jenny, I LOVE YOU! I mean, not in a weird, lesbian, stalker way, just in a fan and admirer kind of way. Not that lesbians are weird, or necessarily stalkers…maybe I should start again.
Jenny, I am a huge fan of yours! Your words speak to me like few others in this world do. I relate to what you say so much, and YOU make ME feel like I’m not alone with my feelings of self-doubt and anxiety. I thank-you for sharing your talent; making me laugh, making me cry, making me think, making me self-reflect. You may not believe that you are accomplishing much, but believe me, and the other posters here-you are.
I’ve never thought of it in terms of how many days a month I feel successful–being more short-sighted, I see it in terms of minutes per day, but it still boils down to the same thing. I don’t feel honest-to-God, straight up badass almost ever. I do tend to feel vaguely productive for roughly an hour per day, but even that is sketchy. I’ve thought about re-prioritizing or making a schedule or maybe just dying my hair (purple hair DOES make you more badass) but ultimately I’m learning to be okay with the fact that life isn’t designed to be about accomplished projects or words written per day or whatever. EVERYONE is freaking out because they aren’t getting enough done, just on different levels. This isn’t being nice or even supportive. I don’t know you, you don’t know me, so I have no reason to condescend. Truth: it isn’t just you.
I think it is pretty normal or we are all screwed up. I definitely believe the shiny happy people at parent-teacher conferences are alien robots beamed down from the teachers’ motherships. I had a meeting with my youngest son’s new middle school principal scheduled because we needed to discuss what to do with Mr. Genius. (I wanted to put him in front of a tv with video games in hopes to make him stupid like the other kids but, noooo, we are going to “challenge” him.) Anyway, two days before that meeting, I found out I had to go straight from there to the high school to meet with my eldest son’s guidance counselor because they messed up his schedule.
In front of the kids, I completely lost it and burst into hysterical tears about being sent to the principal’s office TWICE! Sigh…. The kids gave me hugs and told me I could do it. I did but it was hard. It helped when the middle school principal showed up with wet hair, flip flops and hugging her iced coffee. (School wasn’t in session yet.) That day actually counted as a good day since I didn’t cancel or throw up on anyone.
I am a giant slacker at life. I often have unwashed hair. I keep buying underwear so I don’t have to do laundry. I start projects that I never finish. I keep buying books about organization and not reading them. I have boxes that I haven’t unpacked in my last 5 moves (literally, 5). And I can’t help but feel that I’m always letting someone down: work, my writing partner, or my family. When I feel like that, my anxiety gets so bad that I feel like I can’t start anything.
So, no, it’s not just you. I will say though that I have gotten better, over time, at silencing my internal critic. So when it says “No other 30 year old has a messy room like this,” I can take a step back and say, “There’s only so much I can do. When I am able to, I will clean my room.” And then maybe I’ll never clean my room (hasn’t happened yet) but I’m not going to beat myself up about it, especially not for some perceived external standard of what it means to be an adult.
The only way to silence your inner critic is to practice. And the more you love you, the easier it will be. Also, I recommend watching reruns of 30 Rock and The New Adventures of Old Christine, because it makes me feel like my inability to do life is just a charming quirk and let’s have some wine.
Also? I think most people want the outside world to perceive that they have it all together, but I think that most people, if you ask them, will say that they don’t. I’m sure people think I have all my shit together, but I assure you, I don’t. It’s fine, It’s working, mostly. Then someone will compliment me and while I smile and say Thank You!, inside my head is screaming, IF ONLY YOU KNEW THE TRUTH. Benchmarking against our perceptions of other people’s lives is a waste of time.
Normal? I think that it’s possibly the reason you have such a following. Yes you are smart and funny and goshdarnitpeoplelikeyou, but it’s also because it is so normal to not be perfect. You speak to all of us who are all a little bit broken.
I’ve been reading for a long time but this is the first I’ve been compelled to post. I’ve been waiting for decades now for someone to realize that I am a fraud, that I am without talent and frankly not a very nice person. Yet still I keep toodling along, yet to be called out. It’s only a matter of time, I am sure.
When I read your post, a saying along the lines of “don’t compare your raw footage to someone else’s highlights reel” popped into my head. Or something like that. Which is easier said than done but good advice nonetheless. On the days when I can barely be motivated to change into clean pajama bottoms that aren’t covered in Dorito cheese, I remind myself that sometimes simply existing is enough. All any of us can do is exist; all the rest is just stuff.
This sounds very familiar to me, and also my sister and a few of my friends. Yes, I also have/had depression issues and a touch of anxiety and some ADD. I feel like I don’t have the energy/willpower to do what needs doing. So I get overwhelmed, and start avoiding what needs doing, and then guess what? Now there’s more to do, more to escape doing, and I’ve reinforced that I’m-a-failure-at-doing-stuff thing.
Suggestions, which make great advice but I’m not very good at following myself either:
– read Single Dad Laughing’s blog about real people. The short version is by putting on a face that’s only showing the shiny stuff to other people, we’re both hurting ourselves (missing the chance to connect w people about our real challenges) and we’re hurting other people (who are comparing their real selves behind the mask to our shiny fake selves)
– try to break everything down into smaller pieces. Don’t aim for a perfect day, but 15 minutes of progress on something. Call your day a success if you had a nice morning, or you did something to be proud at snack time even if you don’t like the rest of the day
– make sure your standards and goals are attainable for _you_. PTA mom may never fit for you, but you are still helping your daughter get a good education by doing homework with her at all, really!
– recognize your every little accomplishment. End the day with the same number of kids I started with and fed them 3 meals? Some days that took a lot!
Good luck!
3-4 days a month for me would be a generous estimate. I recently spent a whole weekend (alllll weekend) under the covers rather than work (write) because I’m fairly terrified that the last book was a fluke and this one will suck. The only reason it was only the weekend is because I have a day job, or I’d have been under the covers all week. Then I felt like shit because I didn’t write. *sigh* So, for me, too, the under the covers, gods-I-suck-I’m scared-I-gotta-get-outta-doing-this-it’s-too-hard days are the worst.
How do I feel more successful? I make a list of things to do for a day, and do them, and make a huge deal of crossing them off the list. Sometimes, when the writer’s block takes a step back, I can dive into my book notes and get fixated, resulting in a good word count day, or at least a good plotting day. That’s about the only two ways I can feel successful, and even doing those things are hard.
I feel like I could have written your blog today. Much love, Jenny. I do understand.
You are not alone. I suck, too.
I have depression and I’m on medication. I see a lovely PsyD once a week – not CBT, we just talk. He helps A LOT.
Sometimes a successful day is a success because, at the end of the day, you’re still alive.
Your web community loves you and believes in you and accepts you just the way you are. Please believe us.
You could be writing about me. My life sounds almost identical to this. Some days the only thing that I feel I accomplish is the kids are still alive at bedtime. Other than that, I failed everything. I suffer severe depression and anxiety as well, so I totally get where you are coming from!
I don’t struggle with anxiety or depression. Most days I get things done but don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything. I have a job, I work, but I don’t count that under the “Shit I accomplished today” category. I would go with anywhere between 1-4 days a month I feel like I’ve kicked ass and gotten things under control. The problem with those days is that they make the rest of the days in the month look like that drunk uncle that sleeps on the couch in the basement. The thing I’ve found is to realize that those uber productive days are not the norm, nor are they something to aspire too. If I had days like that all month, sure I’d be Super Mom with a perfect house and a home cooked meal every night but I’d also be a raging bitch on the verge of a mental meltdown. Fuckit. Life is not a competition. I get done what I can in a day. Sometimes it’s a lot. Sometimes it’s a bottle of wine and a bag of Doritos while in my yoga pants.
I don’t have depression or (diagnosed) ADD or anything… and you still have described my feelings completely. I feel like I never complete anything worthwhile, and my next venture will be the one to make me “real”. I have imposter syndrome, bad.
I always feel like I am a huge fraud and everyone will find me out soon. I don’t know if it’s normal or not, but I do know you are not alone. There is no rule book, so we are all just making it up as we go.
And you succeed in making millions of people smile, feel like they belong, and feel like their existence does matter. That includes me.
I have about two or three days a month that I feel like I did a great job..I always feel like an imposter in my own life(minister’s wife, full time RN, mom of 6, grandma of 6). Objectively, I know I have a good productive life, but most days I would rather just take a nap…I have been on an SSRI for 15 years
I feel the same way. I think some of it is perfectionism and it’s easy to be jealous of people that look put together but they probably have their own issues that we can’t see. Just because someone’s hair is always combed doesn’t mean they really have it all together. They might just spend more time on their appearance to the detriment of their personal relationships.
One book that really helped me was “Trapped in the Mirror” by Elam Golomb. I don’t know if you are the child of narcissist(s) or not (I definitely am) but the imposter syndrome is discussed as well. Here’s the link to buy it on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/
I sometimes feel a glimpse of joy but it is fleeting. Most days I’m motivated to just sit in front of the computer and do the circuit of websites, much like a hamster on a wheel. I have what would be calculated out as a good life – no financial worries, freedom to do whatever I want, a nice house. Yet I feel mostly detached from it all. I do want to feel connected and feel peace, joy, happiness, but most days I just feel flat. I can’t figure out if it’s because I don’t think I deserve it or whether I just don’t believe it’s worth it – that just staying in the house, doing the same thing day after day is all I can manage. I also feel ike a fraud – people tell me what a great mom I am, what a great career I had, how talented I am and all I feel is lie. It’s all a lie. I probably have 3 or 4 days a month as well where I feel something more energetic and when those days happen I sign up for something because I am aware that being so hermit like isn’t healthy, either mentally or physically. So even if I’m back to my hamster wheel of life when the activity comes around, I force myself to go and find that I do, in fact, have a good time, that the effort it took to participate was worth it and that fleeting moment of feeling joy comes back around. I don’t know if I will ever feel that on a regular basis – sometimes it feels like feeling joy is a lot of work:), but I will continue taking advantage of those tiny bursts of energy. I have recently discovered Brene Brown and have bought her book Daring Greatly and once I have enough energy I will read it.
I’m very jealous that you’ve managed to put into words exactly how I feel 27.5 days a month. Well done! You have more company than you realize in your feelings of inadequacy with day-to-day life/tasks. The people who look the shiniest and happiest have to be faking some of the time. You are a wonderful, amazing, funny, insightful, thoughtful person. <3 Hoping tomorrow is sunnier!
I’m guessing from the number of responses here that you’re not alone!
I feel like I’ve gradually lost my ability to keep it together over the last few years. I mean, I was always a slob and got paralyzed by the magnitude of shit I had to get done, not to mention unable to focus on any one thing for very long, but I did used to manage to get the house tidied up enough so that you could see the coffee table and the bathroom counter and the bed, etc. I seem to have completely lost that ability, though, and now our garage is packed to the gills, every surface in every room — literally — is covered with crap, the front and back lawns are basically dead (actually, the back lawn is completely dead!), and there are weeds everywhere and I feel like we’ve turned into *that* house on the block, and I just can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything about it. It just makes me very sad and frustrated and so I just watch Doctor Who or buy stuff on eBay instead of actually being productive.
So no, you really aren’t alone in this!
My most “successful” day this month was the one Sunday two weeks ago when I actually remembered to fold – but not put away – the laundry. So. I feel how you feel, a lot.
Truth is, no one would describe me as successful or put together or even mentally stable (like you, I suffer from depression and anxiety). I have two young kids, and most of the time I’m just glad that I manage to keep them alive and (sometimes) smiling.
I think a lot of people struggle like this. It’s not just us (see the above 220+ comments).
Thoreau said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” At least you can say that you have sung your song and touched millions of people in the process. I’d say you’re a huge success. Don’t stress over the little things. Life is life. It just goes on. Some days you get the bear. Some days the bear gets you. If you’re keeping your head above water, you’re doing fine.
All the time. All the time. Every minute, every hour, every day. I, too, wrote and published a book. I’ve written and published hundreds and hundreds of articles. Edited several magazines. I raised five kids. I nursed my dad through his death. I founded a non-profit.
‘Look at all the things you’ve done!’ my friends say, when I am at my bluest blue.
And my lizard brain sneers right back, ‘Yeah, well… Look at all the things I *haven’t* done.’
It’s a long, long fucking list. Mortifyingly long. Jenny, my dad died several years ago. I’m his only heir, and I still have not filed the claims that will funnel his assets into my pocket. And as of two days ago, my checking account had about $27 in it. I am THAT avoidant, THAT dysfunctional.
Last year I left a long marriage and (thank you, karma) got a long-term, semi-permanent housesitting gig here on the North Shore of Oahu.
This year I discovered snorkel therapy. I’ve lived in Hawaii for almost 20 years, and have snorkeled a bit, but THIS year, inspired by a couple of amazing women who live close by, I discovered snorkel therapy. Which for me is getting in the water as much as I can, and visiting my friends the fish and the turtles, and feeling my body move in ways I never thought it could. I was molested several times by several men as a child, the earliest incident in a bathtub, and I have been exercise-avoidant and eating-disordered and (heh) water-resistant all my life. But when I am in the sea, I feel, at last, graceful and beautiful. I feel like I am home.
It hasn’t solved everything, but it’s sure helped, and my ass, formerly the size of Texas, is getting smaller.
From one sad sloth to another… Hugs and aloha to you, Jenny.
Before medication I’d say maybe 3-4 days a month. But days I really feel like I kicked ass a month?? Hmmm. Probably 6? 7 MAYBE?? This is sort of the theme for the book I’m working on now. The book that has taken me about 3 years to write. (Still not done.) The book that I wished I’d never told anybody I was working on b/c then they ask, “How’s the book coming?” and I’d remember that I had a pile of papers stuffed in my desk somewhere that had some words on them and think “SHIT! I forgot I’m supposed to be a writer! Hurry, write something before everybody knows you’re a fraud!!”
And, since I’m using this comment space like there is no limit on word count, I’ll say this too. When Ketchup (which you graciously blurbed for me) came out, it did so well it almost drove me to seek in patient care. I’m not being funny. I’ve never felt worse. I don’t know if it’s a writer/women/mental illness thing or what, but for some reason in my broken little head I felt like if the book was successful that was going to make me a shitty parent and a shitty wife. And if the book did bad then I would probably still be a good parent, but a crappy writer… either way I lost because I would have to fail at something.
The only thing that keeps me from going back to the darkest of my dark places is my family and friends. I HAVE TO WATCH TV with my kids and let them climb all over me and kiss them until they slap me and tell me to stop. I HAVE to meet Sister Wife (my BFF, we share everything but clothes and husbands. She’s too damn skinny.) to exercise sometimes. Sometimes she has to drag my ass out of bed to go buy groceries. But I have to engage with people in real life, even if it’s only a select few otherwise I go back down the tubes.
Life is hard. And on a totally narcissistic tone, I have an email folder in my inbox labeled, “Sweet Talk.” It’s emails from readers that make me feel like I did kick ass, like I encouraged them or was in their dark place with them. When I feel really, really shitty– I go read them and realize that even though I don’t FEEL like it, I make a difference.
And you really make a difference Jenny. xo- Robin
It’s definitely not just you. I feel that way all the time (including the guilt of not being able to be a “better” mom. On the flip side of the coin, though, those thoughts and feelings are DEFINITELY depression/ anxiety related, and IMHO, you should see your psych med doctor ASAP.
Also, thank you for posting this and showing me that it’s “not just me,” either. <3
I feel your pain. It used to be that I felt like I had accomplished a lot just by getting out of bed for the day. I also suffer from anxiety (social and general) disorder, panic disorder, essential tremor, ulcerative colitis, and over the last year or so aggressive rheumatoid arthritis that is unresponsive to treatment (I am also allergic to all NSAIDS so pain treatment is limited). I have been on disability for more than a year.
I say used to be, above, because last month my husband of almost 20 years left me and our 2 children, aged 14 and 11. He left me in an email telling me he loved me but was no longer in love with me. Being around me makes him mean and angry. It was completely out of the blue. He has become someone I don’t recognize and pushed everyone out of his life. Now, I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot if I just make it through the next moment. I don’t know where my life is going anymore or how I am going to get through the next hour. How do I raise 2 children alone when I was already struggling to feel like I was a worthy mom with their dad by my side?
I have not read the other comments, but I based on my personal experience, what you feel is normal. Don’t believe the happy life people post on FB, everyone lies. They don’t tell you about the crap going on they only post about the good. You do good every day by providing a loving environment for your daughter and Victor. Embrace that. If you do nothing else in your life, having loved them with all of your being and soul is the best accomplishment you can ever have.
Take a deep breath. It’s not just you.
For context, I am a research scientist at a fairly prestigious private university. People think I’m good at my job and assure me that I’m a shoe in for tenure. I spend the majority of my time trying to figure out what I’ll do with my time once the fire me and hiding from other researchers who scare me.
So. to your questions. I feel like am successful less than 5 days out of the month. Criticism from my peers makes me feel the worst, and the only thing I can do to make myself feel better is to take a deep breath, distract myself and try again later. I also found this book helpful.
http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Thoughts-Successful-Women-Impostor/dp/0307452719/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1378408064&sr=1-1&keywords=secret+thoughts+of+successful+women
I don’t know if you’ll get this far into the comments, but I want you to know I don’t have depression and feel this way. On the outside it looks like a perfectly good life. I feel accomplished at work maybe 5 days a month max, and never at home. Never. My house is always gross, my dogs look like they live in a dumpster, and my husband is lucky when I’m not wearing pj’s. I can scrub things forever and they still look like shit. There’s a huge disconnect between what my outward appearance is in public and my home life. It’s probably not half as bad as I think it is in reality but that’s how I feel. I think it’s honestly because women have all of this stigma about how everything should look and how life should be. It’s just not that way but somehow, no matter what I do or how much I accomplish in life I feel like I’m just faking it all. You are not alone.
I thought it was just me. 3-4 days a month TOPS.
I had to go get my computer (was reading on my phone) just to answer this.
You are not alone. And it’s not about mental illness (although of course that could influence this as well as everything else).
I feel the same way quite often, and I have come to realize that many people do. I once read a fantastic column (in Swedish unfortunately or I would have linked it) to a successful guy who wrote that he still felt that one day the people would walk up to him and find out that he was just a fraud and in reality was just a young boy. He, of course, wasn’t a fraud in any way, but he just felt like he was still that same young guy he had always been.
The second thing I want to tell you, but I’m sure you’ve already heard it, is the common practice of comparing yourself not to one of your friends, but to all of them. This means that if you have one friend that is a great athlete and another friend that is a great stay-at-home mum, you feel that you should be both and don’t reflect over the fact that it is in fact two different persons. This is very usual, but very dangerous.
For myself, I have learned to deal with these thoughts. Not always, but most of the time. I try to focus on the fact that it is MY life and MY choice. That I could do things differently if I really wanted (as can you) but that I chose to do it like this. I could be a successful career girl like some of my friends, but to be honest, I don’t think it’s worth the hours. Thinking of it as a choice (because most things are) helps me a lot.
Maybe it could work for you too? Instead of thinking that you are not the PTA-mum, think that you chose not to be (because without doubt, you could be, but you probably don’t think it is worth the cost). You could write another book straight away, but you chose to listen to yourself and your feelings and give yourself some time. You could help out with homework every day, but you chose something different. Thinking about it as a choice makes all the difference to me. And of course to remember that things are never, ever perfect beneath the surface.
Sorry for a long comment and for my English.
Jenny,
Yes, me too. The thing about life is that we look at other people and we see their actual actions, their outcomes. We see them being the PTA mom or cleaning ALL THE THINGS or generally being awesome. We look at ourselves and see all of our own thoughts and motivations, and back story and how we’ve failed a million times before we did it right that one time. We put a lot of positive intentions on others, and assume they are doing these things happily or well, when actually they might be doing things resentfully or with a lot of anxiety, or whatever but we never think about those things because we assume that everyone else does all these things because they are awesome and have their shit together. There is a mom of one of the students in my daughters class who sent in organic crackers and hand cut cheese for snack day. And my inclination was to be all “oh my God, she has her shit so together, she is so awesome and I suuuuuck.” And that might actually be true, she might be the most awesome person in the whole world. But more likely, she’s feeling insecure and a little worried about how the teacher thinks of her and she overcompensated with organic cheese and crackers and made the rest of us look bad with our fruit snacks and chemicals. And listen, I know you know all of this shit. It’s that whole “real life versus high light reel” thing. If you looked at my FB album from this summer, you’d think that we had the best summer EVAR, but really, I spent a lot of it sad, on fertility drugs, and sniping at my kid. My point is… you will always look at people who look better then you because you don’t live their lives, know their brains or see all the times they fail miserably. So when I see someone who looks like she owns the world and is awesome, I really try to LOOK at her and remember that she has the same kind of inner dialogue I do about how much she sucks. And she doesn’t. And you don’t. And neither do I, most days. We are all just fumbling through life one hard step at a time. It’s so not just you. In fact, I think the people who don’t feel like this are the odd ones out, and also probably narcissists.
I’m 55 yrs. old & I have NEVER FOUND ANYONE WHO HAS THEIR SHIT TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Inside everyone is screwed up in someway! It doesn’t matter how they present themselves we’re ALL hiding something! So don’t be so hard on yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!………. Take every day at a time, make a goal every day, be it small or huge. Try to achieve it NO MATTER WHAT!! My Grandmother had a saying” Make someone smile every day & you haven’t wasted your day!” You achieve this last one every time you post on your blog. Grab onto that little light that appears for such a short time & cherish it! You are not capable of writing a totally serious blog, you have to add your incredible humour & I love that about YOU!
Just Be!
P.S. I’m Canadian humour is NOT spelt wrong!
I’ve been thinking about this very thing lately. One of the characters in my favorite book series ever (The Night Angel Trilogy) asks, “Have you ever felt that you were part of a grand design? That some benevolence was shaping your fate?” The character asked says she doesn’t, and the character asking says he doesn’t either. I asked myself and realized that I don’t feel that way EVER. I believe that I am part of a grand design, and that some benevolence is shaping my fate, but I certainly don’t feel that way day-to-day and I never have. I feel like I go hurtling through every day without time to think or make thoughtful decisions or smell the roses or whatever successful people are supposed to do with their day. If I get to the bank, I pat myself on the back because I hate going to the bank and I despise when people write me checks and then ask 3 weeks later if I’m going to cash the check they wrote me. Thanks for the chore, just keep your money. Anyway, I don’t have an answer yet, and I’m with you on this one.
Oh gosh! The imposter syndrome…what a perfect name for it. I never really thought about how many actual days out of the month I feel like a functional contributing member of society, but it isn’t many. However, I am not necessarily bothered each day I feel like a substandard use of space. There is always something that the pastel folks are unhappy about or are missing, it just doesn’t occur to them all to admit it.
That Wiki link just changed my life, thanks.
I feel like a failure 50% of every weekday. I either succeed at being awesome with my kids or succeed at being awesome at work, I cannot do both in the same day. I feel like I succeed on Saturdays, but rarely succeed on Sundays (leftover guilt from leaving the catholic church and becoming a unitarian universalist I suppose).
So I lie to myself and pretend that the bad part of the day didnt matter, then I flip flop what I am good at the next day, I am swimming circles around my own head to justify my failures so much that I just need a breather from my own mind.
50% of the time I have my shit together, 25% of the time I am total loser and 25% of the time I am trying to stop hating myself for the last 25%
All.The.Time. Hamster on a wheel. Nothing gets done until last minute and its a big blow up. Being a single parent makes it worse bc I’m the only one to blame if my kid turns out being the same way. I constantly feel like I need someone to schedule my life and stay on top of me about it. Did I mention I’m a freelancer? Who the hell left me in charge of my life and work and a kid and two dogs? I want to do all these things but my brain is too scattered and I’m too insecure half the time to try and accomplish them. I keep taking classes so it forces me to do these things.
Last minute Larry, the forever student who’s failing at life
This is why I don’t read parenting/exercise/beauty magazines – because when I do read them I feel like I’m inadequate at all things. Pinterest was created by an asshole. Why the hell do I want a “bulletin board” full of crafty shit that I think is really cool, but that I will never do. Ever. It makes me feel bad. Unproductive. And PTA? Leave it for those who do have the energy and the stomach for the politics. Instead of comparing yourself to others, can you try to compare yourself and the things you’ve done to where you were at the beginning of the day, or yesterday, or last week, or last month, or last year? whatever metric gives you some measure of progress. Surely you will be able to recognize and appreciate your progress and growth. We have flaws of our own – we just are not brave enough to write about them.
It was through your postings about depression and self-harm that I realized my 12 year old son was starting to travel down that path at age 10. I feel like we owe you for potentially saving his life. We went through counseling for almost a year, and in general, he is a typical happy-go-lucky pre-teen – on the outside. But just last night he admitted that he does have times still where he struggles to feel like he is adequate or worthy. I wish he could see in himself what the rest of us see. I live with him, so I know he is not without flaws. But he’s a really terrific kid – empathetic, kind, fair, loving, persistent, honest.
Jenny – I wish you could see in yourself what the rest of us see. We know you are not without flaws. But you are terrific – empathetic, kind, fair, loing, persistent, honest. And funny. We see that. And we don’t care about your flaws. We don’t. No one does.
So not alone. While reading this, and now sitting here trying to comment, I am trying to think about how many days a month I feel like I’ve got a handle on this being a person in the world/at life thing.
I’m still thinking.
(also have anxiety and depression, and currently waiting on test results for some medical stuff that’s got me in knots, but hey, at least I contacted and went to the doctor to find out if and what something is wrong. Go me?)
It’s not just you!
Thank you for sharing that song; it’s in my favorites for easy repeating.
One thing that helps me is from All That Jazz: Fosse looks in the mirror and says, “It’s show time.” I say that to myself and I can do the interview or public speech or lead a meeting. Afterward I run away to recharge, but it temporarily silences the vampires.
Love you, Jenny!
When you look back at your own childhood, you don’t remember every day. You remember the fun, important, impactful things. If life was awesome all the time, awesome would then seem boring. So, you need days where you just get through it and exist, so that those great moments seem that much better. Or, at least, that’s how I look at it. If you’re having one good day a week, that’s sounds good to me!
I feel this way often…and I describe this feeling to my grown children this way: 85% of my crazy is let out for the world to see, it’s that 15% that I don’t let anyone see that scares the bejeebus out of me (yeah, that’s totally a word).
Also, I tend to NOT believe what people post of Facebook because its like that old Billy Joel song where he says we all have two faces: those we show and those we hide. Ain’t nobody putting on Facebook that they put their underwear on inside out that morning.
I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression most of my adult life. Xanax is my friend. Sometimes I feel like it’s my only friend. I’m not saying this because your “The Bloggess,” but I really do understand what you’re going through. I’ve been hospitalized twice. [Nothing will make you feel saner than watching your stinky 70 year-old roommate march back and forth while playing tuba at 3 in the morning. (There are no tubas in the psych ward, by the way.)]
It’s good to remember that there really is no such thing as a “perfect” life. All those shiny, pretty people you see probably have some pretty messed up shit going on behind closed doors. The skinny moms at the PTA most likely don’t eat because they’re afraid their husbands will screw around with their skinny 20 year-old secretaries. Don’t compare your life to anyone else’s life – ever. It’s the quickest way to make yourself miserable.
Finally, I have a 20 year old son. I spent 3 years in pajamas when he was in elementary school. Perfect parents, just like perfect lives DO NOT EXIST. My kid turned out just fine even though his mama is a little crazy. In fact, he turned out pretty freaking awesome. You and I both know mental illness is a roller coaster. You’re going through a rough patch right now. Get through it however you can – exercise, write, sleep, adjust your meds, WHATEVER WORKS – just get through it.
Feel free to email me if you need someone to listen. I don’t care who you are. If I can help, I’ll be more than happy to… Hang in there.
You feel successful three or four days a month? That’s pretty much three times as successful as I feel in any given month. I think for the summer, I’m up to five. And that’s actual days of feeling I actually accomplished something, not just days I went, “screw it, I’m going to do nothing and be OK with that!” About half of those days involve having done more than two loads of laundry and mowing the lawn in the same day, though. The other half are genuine, “hey, you solved a problem/people appreciate the work you did!” So, the fact that I’m even counting the lawn and laundry still feel like I’m reaching, because that’s stuff normal people just do.
Every day I feel like I haven’t done enough. Days I feel like I kicked ass..maybe 3 a year. I beat myself up about it constantly.
Nobody is as shiny and perfect as the put on at the parent teacher conference.
Nobody’s life is all 100% put-together. It’s just not humanly possibly unless you have a housekeeper, two nannies, and three assistants. And if you have an assistant, you know her life’s a mess because she’s too busy cleaning up yours.
I think most of us, even when we think we’re looking our store-window best, are either completely freaked out that someone’s going to find out we’re a fraud OR are completely smug that ‘omg, they didn’t find out I’m a fraud.”
Every time I do something well, I know there were parts I could’ve done better, so I never am comfortable accepting that someone thinks it was good. All I can think is, “well yeah, but it would’ve been better with glitter and marshmallows.” Or …whatever.
Even when I have a day where I think I’m being a good mom something will happen that will make me think I inadvertently just turned my kid into a future serial killer. Yeah, those doubts, they always lie in wait.
Let’s face it, even Martha Stewart, who’s got that whole crafty, organic, perfect laundry thing going on: she went to PRISON…..so no, she’s not perfect either.
Never forget the great Bridget Jones (vie the pen of Helen Fielding) said,
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.”
And even if that means the only part of the day that went okay was that you actually went to the bank and didn’t get robbed at gunpoint or sobbed to the teller or found out you were overdrawn, well than hey, that’s all good.Be okay with the boxes from two moves ago and the burned dinner and the fact that you haven’t had time to shower (okay, maybe those last two were just me). Smirk at the world. “Hey, asshole world, I didn’t get stabbed today. You’re going to have to try harder.”
Because yeah, that’s achievement. Let the fact that you made it through the day, without being stabbed, be the accomplishment that equals tiaras and champagne.
My seemingly endless random rambling has a point: 3-4 days a month of feeling successful is not bad. Mine varies. Some months it’s like 1, other months it’s 5. but there’s is no month where I feel like a rock star MORE days than the days that I feel like a really good case study for some institute on how to be average.
Jenny, don’t worry. You’re probably not any more screwed up than the rest of us.
I haven’t read the rest of the comments (because, wow, there are 500 of them!), but I’ll say this: Isn’t this totally normal? “I can’t help but think that if people looked closer they’d see the cracks and the dirt and shame of a million projects that never get done.” Dude, that’s everybody. EVERYBODY. I’m a SAHM (largely because we can’t afford daycare). I feel successful if I’ve showered and spent good, quality time with my toddler in a given day. The rest of it? Sparkly clean kitchens and unpacked boxes and picnics (do people actually *go* on picnics, or is that just something reserved for commercials and Williams Sonoma catalogs?)… that stuff isn’t real life. (At first I typed “lice.” In fairness, it’s not real lice, either.) Real life is messy and unpredictable and full of unpacked boxes. You’re doing great. I’m doing great, too. The people who have sparkly clean kitchens and all their boxes unpacked probably are ax-murderers, anyway. Or else they lie on their taxes.
Jenny, I think everyone feels that way. Part of it is that the important things in life are so small. When it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter that you aren’t in the PTA. It matters if you love your kid, and it’s obvious that you do. I don’t think it helps that you struggle with depression and other things, but I think this is more of a human thing than an illness thing. Don’t beat yourself up, because we’re all in the same boat! If anything, your honesty about how you feel and what your struggles are probably does more good than many people accomplish in a lifetime.
I don’t have days, full days with all 24 hours, where I feel great about my life. I have hours. I get an hour here and there. I consider it a damn good day when I get multiple hours where everything is awesome. You are definitely not alone. I truly believe that most of us feel the way that you’re feeling but nobody talks about. Everyone wants their life to be all cupcakes and unicorns but the reality is that we’re all hot messes trying to figure out who we want to be and where our life is going. Thank you so much for being honest. Rock on.
There is a saying I learned in a 12 step group: “Don’t compare your insides with other people’s outsides.” Makes the point very succinctly and I say it to myself often. I agree on the feeling kick ass only a few days a month. Maybe we need to redefine how we measure kick ass? 🙂
I believe that everyone feels the way you do, to some degree. Like, I feel failure, say, 96% of the time. Donald Trump probably feels it 5% of the time.
By default, I tend to feel unsuccessful, inadequate, and so dreadfully full of fail that I am a blight on society. I never send friend requests on Facebook, for instance, because I simply cannot imagine that people remember who I am; or if they do remember, they won’t want to accept my request. A silly, inconsequential example, I know, but there it is.
What I’m working on doing is forgiving myself for being human. Letting it be OK not to be fabulous and successful at everything. To allow myself to make mistakes, and not to beat myself up over it. I find that when I look back, I did better than I remembered. Which still doesn’t help me in the “now,” damn it.
For another example, I knit. I will make a pair of socks, and all I can see are the flaws – I skipped a stitch there, my decreases suck, the heel looks like crap… I take pictures and post them anyway. And later, like days or weeks or months or even years, when I see that sock picture, I am truly freaking amazed at how utterly gorgeous the socks look.
And I’m going to hit the submit button now even though I’m certain that nobody will read my drivel with anything but contempt.
You are NOT alone. At least you have days that you feel successful. I don’t even have that. I’m always waiting for my next fuck up. I’m just treading through, minute by minute hour by hour day by day. Hugs!!
Seriously…I’m the mother of teenage daughters, I pretty much go to bed every single day feeling like a failure. Teenage hormones are hell, even if you’re not the body they are wreaking havoc on.
On top of the monstrous teenagers I parent, I also have chronic pain from the arthritis in my back. I maybe have 2 or 3, what I call “good days” a month. In the last few years I’ve had to redefine what successful means to me, because some days it’s just taking a shower and making sure the children are fed. Also, I had to stop comparing myself to all those i’msuperorganizedandperfect people, I’m never gonna get there.
Bottom line, it’s not just you. There’s a whole tribe of us. Thank you for not being afraid to speak out and let us all find each other.
Here’s a virtual hug for you, which are the kind I seem best at.
My husband feels the EXACT same way you do. It’s very hard for me to deal with or understand. I see all the good in him and just want him to be fucking happy. So let me ask YOU: what is the best thing your husband/friends can do to help when you’re feeling like this? Sympathize? Plan an outing? Give you space? I know I can’t make him be happy, but I keep trying. It’s exhausting and hard to not fall down the rabbit hole with him. Thank you for your honesty.
Oh hell no you’re not alone. Something I try to live by but not always successful is this phrase with a drawing by my favorite artist, mary englebreit. A little girl is painting flowers on her wall. Outside her window is a brick wall. The quote is “if you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. ” It gets me through most days. Not saying it is easy. Being diagnosed with cancer was hard. This phrase helps me turn the crappy lemons into lemonade. You may not remember me, but I met you in Dayton the night before my first chemo. You’re strength about being oPen and honest about everything that is wrong with you makes me love your blog. Good luck. I hope next month you have 5 good days!
I hear you and thank you for speaking out. Often what one of us feels, most of us do, we just haven’t felt as if we could speak up. And then some of us are brave..
I think we come from a species that lives in “imposter syndrome”. We are all faking it, day by day, sometimes successfully, sometimes not.
Without getting all existentially on everyone (and staying away from any religious material); Truly why are we all here? What should we aim for? Why bother? Well, for plants, animals, and many people, to just live another day, to bear offspring and raise them so they can thrive and do the same, is enough. It can be quite difficult and those who’s ancestors didn’t do it aren’t here to discuss it. So, basic daily survival has it’s merits. Never knock it. It’s harder than anyone every told us it would be.
The rest is up to each of us individually. We each have to make our “beyond basic functioning list”. Is it: To make things better, to laugh, to help others, etc.? Those are all meaningful. For others it might be: To dance, to sing, to build something- physical, emotional, or societal. We all have our dreams and passions, and if today is not the day to complete them all, then survive and make your list for tomorrow. Sometimes, what you have, and have done, is enough. No self suffering will ever help you or others. Just remember what you feel compelled to accomplish and place it high on your list, for the next day.
You did good. We all have done good, and we need, as a species, to recognize this in each other, daily. And as we would say “Good morning” or “Good night” we need to give each other that verbal (or heck, real) medal of accomplishment, and hand one to ourselves as well.
I feel this. And when I write this out, it’s going to look nutz. I’m a Wiccan Priestess–I run a Coven of 14 and a community in several states that spans the 100’s. I organize rituals for my community. I blog and have a lot of people who say they love my writing. I’m also the breadwinner and support my boyfriend with my fulltime office manager job and part time Tarot reader job. I make dinner most evenings. This means I should be “together and with it.”
But every morning, my first thought is of something I’ve done wrong–either in the distant past or very present. I can’t stop thinking of the students I’ve failed or Coveners I’ve disappointed or the Tarot client who left in tears because her reading scared her. I simply have not gotten a book published–or even finished–though I’ve tried for over a decade. I’m taking breaks between lines on this comment and pounding on a calculator so my boss (in the next cube) thinks I’m being successful at my job. I’ve been haunted today for embarrassing an ex-boyfriend in a blog SIX YEARS AGO. I can’t think of the fact that I’ve made many students and Coveners happy, helped tons of Tarot clients, or the fact that the ex in question was far worse to me than I to him.
Anyway, I guess this is to say, yes–I know what you mean. And I read your book and I read your blog and you continually inspire me to keep being me and doing what I do.
Jenny-
Thank you for posting this. You hit the nail on the head for me most days. Your blog and book made me feel so much less alone. (I am one of the Lawsbians- they have saved me from myself more than once.)
Forgiving myself for not being what the shiny happy people are has been the biggest help for me. That and lots of therapy, meds and gin. I too have been the absent mom because I was hiding, or because I could not read the calendar correctly or whatever.
I remember hiding in the closet at the venue while they wanted us to cut the cake at our 4th of July wedding 3 years ago. I would have hidden in the bathroom- it was occupied. I find myself hiding from the world quite a bit and much to my surprise- my daughters now 13 and 16 are very well adjusted. They are funny and kind and they understand mental illness and they know that the world is not always easy for the people out in it.
It know this sounds hippy dippy but changing my diet and getting exercise that I found FUN really seemed to help. I was doing it for my brain- not my butt. I wanted to be able to still walk up and down stairs when I was in my 90’s so I found things that might help make that possible. It seems a little more oxygen in your blood makes you feel better.
Some days I just turn on music and dance in my undies because it makes me feel naughty. Some days I curl up in my bed and ride out the darkness. Any day above the dirt is a good day. As a wise man once said, “Three words that will change your life- lower your standards.”
Love you dear lady! You are amazing and a blessing, and you bring joy and laughter to the world. Thank you for sharing all of you with us.
Well, I guess I am the outlier here on The Bloggess. It’s not like I feel like I am kick-ass productive all that often; for that, yes, I count 3 or 4 days a month to be lucky. But I don’t often feel like I am faking it, or an impostor, or that other people all have their shit together and I’m just a hot mess. Of course, people have told me that I have healthy self-esteem. Which may just be a nice way of saying “arrogant-ass bitch.” 🙂
I usually manage to escape the trap of comparing myself to other people and their lives: not that there aren’t people that I admire, respect, or even envy; just that I’m aware that in people’s personal lives, almost nothing is ever as it seems, and even if it was: if I wanted that life, I would have it. I would work hard to make it so. And if I’m not working hard to make it so, it must mean that I don’t want it badly enough, no? I somehow manage to translate “I fail at doing XX because I suck” into “I choose not to do XX for some logical reason that is not yet clear to me.”
That said, there are of course times when I feel like a lazy slug. Not because I’m comparing myself to other people, usually, but when I lay around on my couch all day surfing the internet when I should be working, it’s hard to consider that as anything but lazy. Some things that help me break that mood of despondent procrastination: taking a walk (I *always* feel productive if I’ve managed to get a walk, even a short one, into my day. Always.), cooking something (sometimes I’ll make scones or biscuits in the middle of a knotty data analysis, just to clear my head and actually accomplish something with my day), or doing something (anything) that I can cross off my mental checklist: a load of laundry, paying bills, sending a birthday gift, calling a friend – anything that will make me say “Well, at least I got THAT accomplished today.”
You are NOT alone in feeling that way. I don’t suffer from any of those things and most days I feel like I’ve done just enough to keep my head above water. And I am ALWAYS afraid that someone will find out I’m a fraud, and that I’m not good at anything. Except maybe being a fraud. And I never was the parent to help out in my son’s class. As a matter of fact, I’ve always told him that he can have money for college or therapy. His choice. He’s only been out of the house for 5 days, but so far, so good, so apparently I haven’t fucked him up *that* badly. And to make myself feel like I’ve “done” something, I work out and do yoga. Which doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for me. So, basically one day a week I actually feel like I’ve kicked ass. The other days I just spend wondering where that person went.
You are most definitely not alone in these feelings. The pastel picnic lives are an illusion – total smoke and mirrors created by people to hide the fact that they too have their struggles. Being able to admit the struggles, instead of hiding them behind the illusion of perfection, is real, true life. I’m not a parent, so I can’t identify with that aspect of it all, but I am a writer and I know the crushing weight of writers’ block. I’ve been struggling with that and artistic insecurity for a long, long time. I’ve missed the joy of just being creative, and after a series of panic attacks last spring, I finally realized that ultimately, I’m not trying to crank out creative genius for anyone but myself. I’ve tried to stop worrying about how much I was accomplishing and just started enjoying the process of creating again. A couple of months ago, I started putting a gold star sticker on my calendar for every day I felt like I did something creative or something that made me happy – even if I didn’t get a word on the page – whether it was daydreaming about the next plot point in my book, or watching a movie that made me feel inspired. The stickers were few and far between for a while, but now they are dominating the calendar. And they’re shiny! And I’m starting to have fun with the process again. And I finished writing a chapter I was stuck on!
So much of this society is telling us to focus on what we don’t have, what we need, what we have to buy or make or do or see. It’s a culture based on making us feel inadequate so we can shell out money to people who are selling things that we think will make us feel adequate. It’s a load of crap. When you stop and take stock of what you do have, what you can do, what you have done, and the parts of your life that make you smile, that’s what it’s really all about. And anyone who thinks they’re perfect is missing the whole point.
So don’t worry, it’s not just you. And you are wonderful. 🙂
As moms and humans, there are many, many of us who feel the way you do. Often. Daily. Every morning as we struggle to get the kids out the door and off to school.
I’m not a huge fan of all the inspirational/motivational posts that I see on Facebook (and the “Thanks, I needed this today” responses irritate the heck out of me because some people say that all. the. time) but, coincidentally, I saw two posts that, um, yes, spoke to me. One was by Lara Eastburn of SuperHooper.org who posted yesterday:
“To all of you in my feed praying for enlightenment or permission to be better than what you are. Being Human is an enormous challenge. We strive, we succeed, we fail, we get back up again. Humans are awesome. If you are one, then you are awesome. You don’t have to exceed your humanity. We need only embrace it. We are flawed. We are incredible. We need one another. Telll someone else right now how important they are … and watch the selfishness disappear.” (Not quite sure whose “selfishness” she’s referring to, but the rest of it is wonderful.)
And then this morning, I saw this blog post about perception and our bodies. “What People Really Look Like.” http://dalefavier.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-people-really-look-like.html It’s kind of unrelated but I thought I’d share it anyway.
But I feel sad. A lot. And the only thing that works for me is exercise. I exercise to feel better. And sleep more soundly at night. And the side effects to daily hikes are excellent toning of butt and legs. Those are awesome side effects. 🙂 (Sadly, it’s been months since I’ve been able to hula hoop because of shoulder pain. I’m in physical therapy for it. The pain didn’t happen because of hooping. I wouldn’t want to turn any one off of it!)
I totally get not wanting to pick up a hula hoop when depressed. I, too, get that way. And then I don’t do it. But hiking and walking? I can do that. I just have to go out my front door. And I think it’s amazing that something so simple has SO many benefits to it. Exercise is my “medicine” and I can do it without feeling guilty.
Yep, join the club, sister. I’m not depressed or anxious, but I’d gauge successful days to be 5-10 per year. I’ve got those boxes in the basement and I’ve lived in my house for 4 years. The homework folder? Yeah that gets done in a mad rush on Thursday nights. Pinterest? Puh-leeze. Those people cannot possibly exist in real life. The weeks I get lunch money sent in on time and I spend time letting my 5 year old read to me and I don’t rush her through the book are the ones I count as a success. Onward and onward, soldier. You’re doing fine. Life is not all summits, it’s all the mediocre tasks we do each day (or put off doing).
I have about 1 week a month that I feel like I have the “super powers” needed to deal with the world on a level playing field. The rest of the time I consider myself lucky that I don’t despise my life. I believe a lot of it is hormonal since it happens on a fairly regular cycle. Well as regular as a pre-menopausal woman can be.
I also suffer from hereditary anxiety handed down through my mother’s family. (Thanks, grandma!) Medication is helping that but hinders my want to do things or really get excited about life. So it’s a real catch 22.
Currently I have the week off work and have been attempting to put the house in some type of order. There is only my hubby and me but somehow we have wound up with those annoying paths thru the mess. Part of this is because of a devastating flood we went through 3 yrs ago, having a tiny house on 1/2 a lot with a shared drive, and mostly just a lack of dealing with it all since I went “crackers” 5-6 yrs ago. (Seriously, who remembers THAT anniversary??).
So, Jenny, I don’t think it’s just you. We’re all dealing with stuff. We have good an bad days. On the bad ones I try to remember the stuff that makes me smile. And your blog is on that list.
Hang in there and remember: A mind is a terrible thing to mind.
I compare myself, to my own detriment, to EVERYONE around me. And all my female friends have beautiful children, gloriously quirky houses in which they love to host, perfectly-behaved dogs, insane cooking / gardening / knitting skills, exciting jobs, book deals, hard-core involvement in convention / gaming culture, or (I’m not even kidding) ALL OF THE ABOVE. I want kids but haven’t had them yet, my wonderful loving dogs have destroyed my house, I’m domestically disabled, etc. Not to mention the idea of hosting, ever, or going out more than once a fortnight, makes me shudder to my bones. I both deeply enjoy and require for my sanity (and continued sobriety, of which I should be prouder than I am) coming home from work, exercising, and then sitting in front of Netflix or a book for a few hours before a very early bedtime. And every single day I believe myself a failure for this. It’s dreadful.
Jenny, I think that these are very normal, human-being feelings. I think that you have to look at your life and not others’ lives to gauge how successful you are. If going to the bank is a win for that day – then you get a gold star…if you also washed your hair BEFORE going to the bank that same day – then you totally deserve three gold stars! Your post today is how I have been feeling myself lately – that I am not as good at this or that as I should be (compared to how good someone else is at it), that I am just blah at life. And I do not have (or at least have not been diagnosed with any) a mental illness to struggle with on top of those feelings. This is to say again that these are normal human feelings.
Thank you for your post today – coming up with an answer for you helped me remember to stop gauging my success by what I think are other’s successes.
Stay Strong!!
Ok, so I have personality disorders too. I went through a 6 year period of being in, what I call “a slump” around pleasant company. In fact, it was pure and utter hell. I isolated myself to the point that I purposely started working from home, just so people see me fail in person. I stopped trying to be active at all. I ended relationships, and started a downward spiral of self hate. MAYBE once a month I would strap on my big girl boots, clean the house and do the food shopping. I never accomplished anything, which fed into the seemingly never ending story of self pity and hate.
It’s 3 years later, and I look back on that person and I honestly cannot believe that she is me.
What did I do to fix it all? I hit my low point, had a moment of clarity and realized through the haze of denial, pity and illness that I had become someone completely unlike myself. I had allowed my illness to become an excuse for my actions, I had accepted pain as the norm.
I went to see my doctor first… he was unwilling to play Russian roulette again with my meds…. so I went to see a different doctor, then a third. I found the right drugs, the right supplements and the right holistic treatments (accupunture and tinctures) that work for me.
I then started trying to be active. It started off as just walking the dogs around the block. Then it turned into bike rides and the gym. (Being active helps me more than anything else).
I still felt a little empty, like I wasn’t accomplishing as much as I needed to. I still felt like I wasn’t worth much. So, I started actively volunteering for an animal shelter. Eventually, that turned into me quitting my well paying job and working full time for the animal shelter.
While allowing others to see me fail scares the everliving shit out of me, (people in general scare me too) by working outside the home I’m able to see every day that I accomplish something.
Now, I’m not shiny… I don’t have kids so no PTA…. I hate ants, so no picnics…. and my hair is normally unwashed on weekends. I have my days where I start to spiral and obsess about my failures. It’s then I turn to my support system to tell me to shut the hell up, and remind me that if anything… I’m average.
You are above average. You have a well adjusted, healthy and happy little girl. You have helped so many people I can’t put a number to them. You’ve spoken for an entire group of people who until a short time ago, hid in the shadows and under tables. You’ve been there for your misfits through our struggles, we’ll all be here for you… because you’re adored.
If you feel like you need a change, you need to do it. If you feel like you need help, ask for it. Live your own mantra – Depression Lies.
I feel the exact same way. If I get a couple of days a month where I manage to make it to the post office or cut the dogs’ toenails I feel like I’m kicking ass. I also have depression, anxiety and ADD. And most of the people who know me IRL or on FB have no damn idea how much I struggle. None. It’s not that I consciously present some shiny happy exterior, I just don’t complain a lot, and people tend to fill in the blanks with shininess and happiness, I think.
It’s not just you. Trust me. Some days I feel proud of myself for getting out of bed in the morning. Some days I accomplish a lot and still feel like I wasted time. Some days I barely feel human, or functional. Some days I think about how far I’ve come the past year and it doesn’t make any difference to my feeling useless.
I don’t know how many days a month I feel accomplished — not many, though I’m good at feeling like I can accomplish things when I get enough alone time (which is hard now I’m sharing a room with my sister, who can be a real brat and doesn’t seem to get that my needing alone time has nothing to do with hating her or being selfish) and I’m rested and the weather agrees with me (summer was terrible) and my anxiety’s in check and no one is being an asshole (which is rare when you live with your psychologically abusive father).
I don’t know. I like to think that if everything went well — if I had my own space and a steady source of income and I didn’t live with my father — things would be better for me. I think they really would be, because I’ve reached a point where I have a wonderful support system and meds that keep me sane (and more meds that I can take if I don’t feel sane enough) and I’m working and trying to make a living as a creative person and my own boss. But it’s hard to tell with anxiety.
No one ever talks about it. I often think I suffer from depression, but no one would believe me if I said it to them. Certainly hasn’t been diagnosed, so I don’t even have that as an extenuating circumstance. Most of my success is the fact that I get to work every day and they think I do a great job (and mostly, I do, I guess). But the effort it takes me to do my job doesn’t leave me much room for anything else. My house should probably be quarantined as a hazardous area, and I just realized I haven’t set up my bill payments for September. First time I’ve done that in a while. Must go do that now. So, no, it isn’t just you.
First of all, you are perfect.
Second of all, read this. Now!
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html?m=1
Honey, those shiny PTA parents are Stepfords…you know that. And I’m betting that you also know that there are times when, seriously…all you HAVE to do is breathe. It’s ok.
I’m a freelancer too, and there are days when watching 7 back episodes of Breaking Bad in one day feels like a HUGE accomplishment…just sayin’. The trick is to not label yourself with the dysfunctional behavior that we ALL HAVE. You’re beyond awesome and all of us love you…maybe you need to trust OUR opinion of you when your own feels ooky. We happen to think that YOU ARE SHINY! Take THAT!
Not just you. I am learning that a lot of people feel this way at least part of the time. I have depression too, but I consider it to be mostly under control. Still, I have no groceries in the house, and I don’t feel like I am very good at adult stuff. I go to work and feel like I should aspire to more, but I am fine to just coast along. When I look back at the end of the day, I don’t think I have accomplished much. I don’t know any of these people who have picnics and cloth napkins and a dust-free house. I try not to judge myself based on how others appear on social media because I know their life just can’t be all damn perfect all the time. I don’t even feel like I’m doing a good job commenting on this post.
oh honey…I haven’t accomplished one damn thing. I feel like a human failure on a daily basis. You wanna talk about boxes? I moved into my house SIX years ago and have yet to finish unpacking. College? 99 hours and I quit. Weight loss? I lost 30 of the 100 pounds I need to lose and just…stopped caring. Gained it all back.
So no…it’s not just you. Walking failure RIGHT HERE.
But you know what? I love you!
I feel this way a lot, too. I always wanted to be the Awesome PTA Mom. But my son has today off from school, and we’ve been celebrating by sitting in the same room all day doing our own thing on our respective electronic devices. I haven’t forked over the $10 PTA membership fee in two years, and I’ve never been to one of their meetings or volunteered at any of their events. My classroom contributions consist of sending in napkins for holiday parties. I rarely remembered to sign little man’s agenda each night last year.
I make a good enough living with my writing clients that we can pay the bills each month. I do not work full time at this. I barely work part time hours. I rarely have the energy or focus to do more than about 2 hours of work in a day – not billable tasks, anyway. I can convince myself that mucking around on social media is valuable, though, because brands seem to care about how many people respond to me when they are trying to decide whether or not to choose me for a sponsored campaign.
Depression, anxiety, Asperger’s, CFS, arthritis…it all conspires to make me feel less than capable more often than not. But hey, you got more than 400 people to want to share their thoughts with you here, and that’s more than I’ve ever been able to muster. Clearly you’re successful at motivating people to action. 🙂
You seem to have honestly described the real human condition of these modern times in an honest way. I hear you, you’re me…I’m you…koombyah and shit.
Honestly, I feel like I’m f-Inge up life on a regular basis. I’m a stay at home mom of a toddler and another on the way and wonder what the f I’m doing most of the time. If I have a happy kid, my house is trashed and my me-projects are unfinished. If I have a clean house, everything else has gone to pot and I feel like a shit mom because my kid has either been begging for attention the entire time or I’ve plopped her in front of the tv for some high quality brain rotting.
I feel on top of shit about 4 days per month, which tend to coincide with the day on the weekend that my husband is off and keeping our daughter entertained. She’s happy, they’re spending some quality time, and I get to feel like super mom because I have time to clean and do some me-project.
Bottom line though is I’ve never felt I was good enough at anything or for anyone. My people love me and are incredibly supportive, but it’s hard to receive and accept. I don’t have any diagnosis, but I’m not convinced labelling myself would help me through the day so I leave it alone. I’m a good person, okay…my moral compass doesn’t quite point due north and I judge strangers as a hobby because it’s free and I use sarcasm as both a shield and a sword, but I’m essentially good in the ways that count. Probably.
Really, you’re in good company and people just don’t talk about it. That bitch who has it all together is missing something. She might make her own soap, but has no clue her kid has come out to everyone but her. She might be a great mom and have a great career, but has no clue her husband is cheating on her. This might be a shitty way to look at things, but I try to remember that the grass looks greener because they use different shit to fertilize (and its not an f-ing unicorn who shits rainbows!).
On a good day I decided to define perfection as doing my best half the time, being willing to just do what I can the other half, and remembering how bad I am at fractions all the time so I won’t feel as bad when ‘half the time’ isn’t really half.
Facebook and other social media sites make us feel like shit because it’s like real life, only edited. New moms only show you the giggly newborns, not the sleepless nights and the postpartum depression. Engagements and weddings are giant, hugely-photographed occasions on facebook, but divorces are quiet and you barely know they happened except someone’s got their maiden name back. Facebook, instagram, even twitter– they’re not real. They only show you the happy parts.
I feel like a fraud all the time but I just recently decided that since I feel like a fraud, everyone else must too. I don’t think anyone “has it all together”. Has any commenter so far said “Wow, Jenny, yeah. I mean, you’re fucked up. Maybe some day you’ll get it together the way I did.”? Doubtful. And they’re not just saying that to make you feel better.
It makes ME feel better to know that someone I think is so funny and smart and successful with a best-selling book struggles with some of the same issues I do. But I do hope we both feel better.
PS- you win at life even more because the success you’ve had is despite your extra challenges, e.g. mental illness. Plenty of people have fewer obstacles than you and have done much less.
First let me say, I don’t believe those pastel perfect people actually exist. I think we are all really good at hiding how screwed up we feel and how we feel like we are not “living up to our potential” (whatever that means). I can’t speak for anyone else, but I have the voice in my head that berates and jeers at me and pretty much makes me feel like crap. I look at my numerous half finished writing projects, my sadly neglected blog, and my dusty framed English degrees and wonder why I can’t seem to focus and finish anything. Currently I am blaming Twitter. I look at you and everything you’ve accomplished and I’m like, “Sarah, you need to get your act together.”
I can’t even say I’ve had full days of feeling successful. Usually my good moods are measured in hours. I find that social sites tend to make me feel really down. Pinterest with all it’s crafts I won’t complete, recipes I won’t actually try, and fitness tips I forget. I swear, Pinterest is one huge “to do” list for me that I can’t stop adding to and then feeling defeated.
Really the only way I’ve found to deal is to just laugh at myself or laugh with others. Laughter has amazing healing qualities (which is why I read your blog). You are pretty much my doctor, except you don’t charge me an enormous copay for the 15 minutes it takes for your blog to treat me.
Let me close by saying: you are wonderful, you are amazingly successful, you make me laugh, and you are not as screwed up as you think you are, oh yeah and don’t forget to wear sunscreen.
Sarah
I know how you feel. When I was in the hospital for my mental illnesses (depression, anxiety and phobias), they suggested I create a daily to do list with just the basic stuff (i.e. brush my teeth, shower, take my meds, etc). Since I’ve gotten better, I’ve kept up the list but took the basic things off and put other less basic things on (i.e. workout, take my vitamin, brush my dog, etc.) but I still beat myself up for not getting everything done I think I should. I mean, really, how hard is it to spend 5 minutes brushing my dog so she sheds a little less in the house. Apparently, it is very difficult for me because I an awful at it.
Why do we judge ourselves by Facebook? I don’t know but my life is so much less successful than some of my friends. I don’t just go on a vacation at the drop of a hat (as a matter of fact, I have not been on a proper vacation in over 10 years). I don’t have a perfect figure while still managing to go out to dinner at the trendiest restaurants in the city five days a week!
At the end of each day, write down the positive things that happened. They don’t have to be life changing, just positive. Once, the only thing I was able to write down was “I did not punch anyone.” Try it for a week or so. Also, I know for me it was hard at first because I was adding the ‘but…’ in my mind. Try not to give those thoughts your focus…it’ll get easier!
Yep. I feel it all the time. I suck at making friends because of it, and I think that is the hardest part for me. We moved 8 years ago, and I still can’t figure out where I fit in. I love my work, but I worry every day that they’ll suddenly catch on and wonder WTF I’ve been doing there all this time. I hate hearing ” you’re so strong” or “you’re a great mom” or “I don’t know how you do it.” I don’t do it. I put one foot in front of the other and hope no one notices that I’m a big faker.
I love my kids and I hug them all the time. They have clean (rarely folded) laundry. They eat food every day, but sometimes it’s “made up dinner” like yogurt and fruit roll ups and chips, and I try to pretend it’s a fun adventure. And if I do something extra like make clever cupcakes or sew something, you can guarantee that every other part of my life is in shambles, and I’ve only accomplished this by avoiding something I really should have been working on.
Actually, reading this post and the comments should have made me feel better. Maybe I’ll pretend it did. I’m good at that.
I can tell you from experience, all those perfect PTA parents out there aren’t really doing anything any better than you are. And you are most likely doing way better than you think you are. I know how you feel so far as feeling like a failure or fraud goes, but here’s the kicker: those same people who you think have it all together are looking at you and seeing a sucessful writer with her own blog and wondering why they can’t come up with witty responses in uncomfortable situations. So instead they plan everything. Life must be on a regimented schedule or else. Or else what is a question they don’t want to contemplate. So they plan and they work and they build a retirement fund. And all the while the experience of life is just slipping away from them. In the end their kids don’t necessarily remember the awesome, occasionally absurd conversations and fun things they did with their parents, they remember the places they visited. Which is great if you’re into “destination travel”, but really life is the journey. Raising your kids sucessfully means giving them the skills to become adults. Think about it this way: when you help your daughter to do a weeks’ worth of homework on Thursday night? You’re totally teaching her how to work under the pressure of a deadline. Some day in the future, she’ll have a boss that will dump a project on her desk and ask for a solution by tomorrow morning. And at that point, she’ll think back to all those frantic homework nights and say “I got this”.
I have about 7 days a month where I feel good. Where I get out of bed and shower and clean the kitchen and cook for my kids. Where I’m ok going to the grocery store, and the beds have clean sheets, and I watch tv with the kids in the evening.
Then I run out of pills, and I spend the rest of the month counting down the days until I get a refill, trying to remember what it felt like to feel ok, trying to hold on until I can feel ok again.
OK. Reality check. EVERYONE feels this way. I am not depressed, don’t have anything that needs medicating, and have felt like a fraud for a very long time because I get paid quite a bit for doing what I think is fairly easy. THEN I start thinking, “wow, someone is going to realize that I don’t actually know what I’m talking about!” Except it’s been close to 20 years and they’re still paying me…so I guess I’m either actually good at my job or really good at fooling people.
I think the accomplishing day to day things is hormone-related. I work from home half the time and really only get anything accomplished (besides work) a few days a month. I think about tracking it so that I can prove my theory, but that would involve compiling and updating some sort of list. And I’d just forget…
I don’t know that I think about my successes at the end of the day, it’s usually just a tally of the things I need to worry about from the day and for the next day. Based on so many of the comments before (I didn’t read them all), you’re definitely not alone. Thinking about it now, I can’t think of a day I felt “wow, I kicked butt today” – to me, there’s always something I could have done better (or at all) and it’s tiring to even think about it.
As for Facebook, I go back to the saying “believe none of what you hear and half of what you see” I take people’s pictures and stories and statuses on facebook with a grain of salt -people are generally only posting what they wish was their every day life.
I’m pretty sure there are two types of people in the world: those with imposter syndrome and sociopaths.
Jenny, what I love best about you is your complete honesty. You let people know that it’s OK, that they are OK….just the way they are. I feel pretty good a lot, but that’s because I set the bar very low. I went to the bank and crossed it off my list…SUCCESS!! Took my dog to the dog park….SUCCESS! See, I’m amazingly successful today! Some days you bite the dog, some days the dog bites you. I don’t know which one is better, to tell you the truth.
I wanted a pastel life and didn’t get one. But I like my life better now, warts and all. Believe me, you DO NOT want to be a PTA mom…they talk about stupid stuff and it made me nuts and I stopped signing up to be room mom because of them.
Even on your worst day, Jenny, you are honest with us and that helps us all tremendously. “Depression lies” was such an eye-opener to me! I use it with other people who I know are struggling (and I use it on myself…I’m no frigging Mother Teresa!) So try to be easier on yourself. You are awesome just the way you are.
I maybe feel productive half the time. I guess I’ve always managed to do the minimum to survive – food (usually take-out or frozen) and showers (because I’m kind of OCD, and can’t deal with feeling dirty…sometimes I shower twice a day just cause it makes me feel better, and it’s one of the few things I can control in my fucked up life). But never any of the stuff that makes me feel really productive – cooking and cleaning and social commitments and paying bills and going to therapy and getting my life together.
I’ve had a really rough year, and dealt with some really really severe (like, staying in bed for days thinking about swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills) depression. But it got better. Well, sort of. I just quit my job and I’m moving back in with my parents this weekend. And strangely, that makes me feel a shit load better than I have in months. I know that moving home is going to be hard, but it’s going to relieve a lot of pressure to “be productive” that I just can’t cope with. And that makes me feel better.
I am not on any medication now, but I still feel like this:
i think about dying and what are they going to say about me? I’m not fun loving and I don’t like to be around people. I like my kids, sometimes my husband. Then I read all of the sayings like- what will your dash say about you- you know the 1971-??? on the tombstone, which stresses me out.
I’m a pretty good person. I work hard, exercise and pray some. Maybe that’s what they can say.
I guess I’m saying I don’t feel like I’m powering through the days like you want to feel either.
hey, at least you wrote a really good book.
It is so nice to know that I am not alone. Reading this brought tears to my eyes because you described me in so many ways. I hate crying at my desk, all the 20 somethings look at the middle aged lady weird. I feel this every day of my life, that I will never be good enough, that I am not good enough.
I work 8.5 hours, and an hour commute on either side and am a single mom. I just cannot do it all and I have enormous guilt with the fact that I cannot be like all the other parents. I cannot be there when she needs me (she got on the bus today after I left for work). I cannot be that mom that volunteers. I cannot be that mom that no matter what she puts on looks fantastic. I cannot be that mom that is skinny and has good hair. I cannot be that mom that has the awesome camera to take pics. I cannot be that mom that can handle a ton of kids in the house. I only cooked dinner 3 times this week and I feel guilty. I wish these freaking parents could take it down a notch and just be.
I can barely handle the two of us. How the hell am I supposed to date again and bring someone in to my life? I am so far behind today. Work, my daughter, cleaning, cooking, condo shit, bills, etc. I am learning about what I can avoid and put off and what I cannot. Today there will be an hour just for me, at my exercise class. That will make me feel human.
I work through it, anxiety, occasional depression, fear, failure, medical issues (which seem to abound these days). Sometimes I am successful, sometimes not so much. I do more of things that I can and am good at than the things I cannot. You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. If you were here I would give you a hug and bake you some cookies (that is something I am good at). I want to thank you, for it all, for everything.
Sorry for the jumbled mess of thoughts.
All you can ever do is the best you can with the resources you have, and everyone believes they have an extra gallon in the tank that just isn’t there, which is when you break down because driving on fumes can only get you so far on the journey and then you need a tow and some time to repair. Go the distance you can, at the speed that you can, but make sure you’re on the road you want to be and will be able get to the destination you’ve planned. You can change your speed, your direction, your destination – just be sure it’s still where you want to be going and you’re going to be able to get there. You wouldn’t walk to Hawaii because you don’t need to, and it’s just not going to be possible until they build a land-bridge.
This is my middle-of-the-night speech to myself (roughly) when I get into an imposter funk. I appear very sociable and bubbly while being wracked with self-doubt and social anxiety, and have chosen a job I love, but does involve public speaking, which I dread. I’m permanently disappointed in myself, despite external praise, and an utter junkie for positive attention.
Thank you, by the way, for everything you’ve written. It’s helped me so much.
I feel successful and ass-kicky maybe 2-3 times a month, so about the same as you. The rest of the time – yeah, I’m just struggling to stay a day behind everything else. But my son thinks the world of me and I try to focus on that. I, too, have depression and anxiety, but to a lesser degree I think from what you write. So we’re probably normal-ish. Normal enough.
I feel pretty good about what I get done, about 2/3 of the time. But I felt like a lazy under-achiever for most of my life until the past 10 years or so, when I got fed up with measuring myself against other people’s skills and abilities. My life is a success because I say so. Because of how I measure success, not how anyone else does. I am no Prince Hamlet. I am an attendant lord. I’m ok with that. People like me. I am helpful. I have a great kid. I play a lot of Angry Birds.
One of my pieces of advice to younger professional women in my field is: don’t cling to doing things a particular way (or measuring your success in a particular way) if it makes you crazy and just doesn’t work. Skip the PTA meetings. I have yet to go to a single one in 7 years. They are BORING. So I’m told. Let the boxes sit. Don’t empty the catbox for 2 months (I’m on a roll with that right now.) Or, throw money at a thing if you have it – hire the housecleaner, BUY the Halloween costume, BUY the birthday cake. Or just make cupcakes. Or put candles in a Twinkie.
Life can be done in many, many different ways. If you are living in a way that makes sense to you, and that basically works, (like, you aren’t cutting yourself or abusing your kids) then I think your life is a success. But really, what I think isn’t important.
P
You are definitely not alone. I struggle with trying to feel even adequate every.single.day. I haven’t been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, probably only because I hate going to the doctor and right now I can pass it off as hormones since I am about that age where they decide they don’t want to play nice anymore. My reason for getting up in the morning used to be my son, but he just moved away to go to college and though I am so excited for him, for me not so much. I question the point of life every.single.day. Although having my kid I think saved my life, on the other hand it makes it so much harder to check completely out. Everyone tells me what a kind, wonderful, funny person I am and yet I don’t feel it at all. I feel like I should be grateful for the blessed life I have and the fact that I am not happy makes me feel worse, make me feel like an ungrateful, whiny, complaining bitch…it is a never ending cycle of shame and guilt. I mean I have a really good life, a great job at a non-profit, a husband who loves me, a few really close girlfriends and yet, life really has no meaning for me. If they all only knew….
I 100% feel 100% like you described, 100% of the time. I feel “successful” maybe two or three times in three months, and that usually involves paying a bunch of bills on time and then having a vaguely important social interaction(think parent/teacher meeting or renewing my license) where I didn’t somehow embarrass myself. That said, I don’t know if I’m a person to judge normal off of. Everything you said though. Everything. We’ve had utilities turned off on us because I just fail at life. Not because we didn’t have the money, just because my brain got muddled and somehow it slipped through the cracks. Being an adult is hard.
My house is a mess, I barely helped my kids with homework, I never packed their lunches and I’m always late for work. I guess I define success in life by my relationships with people. Sometimes I suck at that too, but I try, and I care, and spending time with people I care about always trumps a superficial mess. More power to the people that look like they have it all together, but i doubt anyone does.
Thank you. Why is it so hard for people to freely talk about actual real life? If we all had an honest conversation with everyone then I think these feelings could be resolved for all of us.
I feel like I kicked some ass about 2-3 days a month. Tops. Because no matter what I do/did, it never seems to be enough for me. I’ve tried desperately to stop comparing my life and my family with what i think others’ lives and families are, and I’m getting better. But it’s still a struggle. I set personal goals and schedules and that helps with my feelings of self worth as well.
By the way, I love your work and have felt compelled to leave comments before and never did. But this one deserves honesty and action. Good luck!
It isn’t just you. I do not suffer from depression, thankfully, but I often feel like I’m treading water. I feel successful maybe a few days a month. By the time I go to work, go to the gym, and eat dinner it is 9:00 and time for me to start this f*cking thing all over again. I have a successful career, but shouldn’t I be doing more? I see friends doing volunteer work and having families and going on godforsaken picnics and hikes. I don’t even have time to take in my dry cleaning! It is frustrating and miserable and I understand where you are coming from.
Clearly after these 500 comments you can see you are not alone. MOST of us are a hotmess who allow the world to see the good moments and “untag” ourselves from the less flattering moments because we allow ourselves to believe that anything less in unacceptable. I call BULLSHIT on that. Life is life and not always picture perfect. Sometimes it is better that way. Sometimes its not. But whatever. If today and most days are not ok for you. THAT is ok.
Two of your accomplishments I want to point out happen on a daily basis.
One- Haley is alive, breathing and overall happy.
Two-You share yourself frankly and honestly with us. Huge in most of our worlds. You share the funny, crazy, sad, depressed, silly, honest moments with us and we have all flocked to your blog for our own reasons. I tend to think its because you are NOT perfect. You make us laugh, you make us cry, you make us grateful to be alive.
A VERY sincere ~ THANK YOU JENNY.
Well at least I’m not the only one. Even on the good days–where lunches are packed for the next day, dinner was mostly homemade, we sat at the kitchen table instead of sitting in front of the TV–I still feel like I’m failing everyone around me. Yes, I managed to put carrots in the lunch box instead of fruit snacks, but they weren’t cut up all cute with raisins glued to them with mayonnaise or frosting or whatever the hell it is that those pinterest moms use. Maybe it’s ranch. Anyways. I get so overwhelmed with the things that I think I should be doing that I can’t manage to do anything but curl up on the recliner and watch 27 episodes of How I Met Your Mother. And then I don’t even enjoy it because the whole time I’m making a list in my head of all of the things I should be doing instead and how much longer it’s going to take me to do it now that I’ve wasted my whole Saturday off. I don’t take medication–and I don’t knock anyone who does–I probably need it. But I’m the kind of person who gets anxiety about taking anxiety meds. I won’t get into it here but really weird random things always seem to happen to me and I am convinced that I am going to be the one person in the whole world who ever had some kind of fatal reaction to a medicine that millions of people take. So I’m trying. I’m trying to focus on the good things. I appreciate that my son was happy because he loves carrots and he got some for lunch. I appreciate that we all have clean clothes to wear the next day and I thank God that we have a spare bedroom that doesn’t get used so I can hide the mounds of unfinished laundry in there. I also appreciate that I’m not the only person who feels like this. And I try to tell myself that those PTA and pinterest moms have their own struggles too. They better have their own struggles too because seriously, nobody can be that perfect all the time. I think that we need to learn how to live to our own standards and not everyone else’s. And we need to try to let all of the stress and worries roll right off our shoulders–it’s hard to do, but it’s not impossible.
So, I don’t have a number for you. If you averaged out the hours I felt like I was kicking ass at life vs. the other times and converted them to days…..well, I still wouldn’t have a number.
What I do have is this: the knowledge that when I compare my full self to the versions of others that I see on social media or at the day care line or imagine in my head, I always come up short. ALWAYS. And that’s just it, isn’t it? I can’t ever compare just my best bits to someone else’s whole self – because that would be cruelly unfair to them. And I seldom even compare my best bits to someone else’s best bits, because ugh! How do you rank being a rock star at laundry with being a great family chef? (Not that I’m that great at either of those, come to think of it….) The point is, we always compare our full selves to the shiny happy bits we see about other people. And so we always come up short. And it sucks.
So when I get to feeling this way, I try to remember this quote by John Churton Collins: “If we knew each other’s secrets, what comforts we should find.” We would ourselves be comforted by the fact that we aren’t alone. And we would be able to reach out in comfort to those who we didn’t know were just like us.
In other words, no, it’s not just you. It’s most of us (maybe even all of us).
Well, at least it’s you and me and the other 500 people who’ve posted today.
You are most definitely not alone. I usually feel like the world is going to come crashing down around me at any moment. I cringe inside every time someone refers to me as an “expert” in a professional setting or when my parents claim that I’m perfect. (No pressure there, even when you’re in your 30s.) I struggle with depression/anxiety as well, but thankfully at what seems to be a low level compared to others. All I know to do is fake it and hope one day I’m not faking anymore.
I’m a writer who currently stays home w/ her three kids and my husband is a public school teacher. And I’m homeschooling. So. I’m always behind at everything. Except loving my kids. Though sometimes I get twitchy at being stuck in the small house w/ three small demanding humans who for the love of all that is fucking holy will not stop calling each other “rainbow toots.” And I can hear the baby is filling his diaper on the floor beside me, while I am failing at getting any real work done, or indeed anything of much lasting meaning at all. On the bright side, the worst insult my 3 and 5 year olds can think of is “rainbow toots.” On some scale I’m coming out okay, but who the fuck cares on which one?
My mom was a stay at home mom pretty much her entire life, and it scares me that I might end up being exactly the same, b/c my mom scares me sometimes. She is so insular. And has a hard time dealing w/ people. And I feel like I want to ask her, was she always this way, or was staying at home for so much of her life something that helped to create this? Because, I would like to avoid getting worse. Thank you very much.
My evil MIL always gets me a subscription to Better Homes and Gardens “for” my birthday, but that magazine is just one of a million ways to feel worse about myself. For all of us to feel worse. Giuliana Rancic just told me how to make myself look less fat in pictures while I was taking a much needed pee break. Not how to look less fat WHILE I was peeing, b/c obvs. that would be ridiculous, but even though I had managed to go pee ALL by MYSELF, (just like a big girl, I know), Giuliana was still there making me feel as though simply a picture of me would not be good enough unless I wasn’t all fat looking in it. Somehow I felt like I failed at utilizing my precious few free seconds. But I’m not even sure how I was failing. My husband and I call that magazine “Better Than YOUR Homes and Gardens.”
Oh, and I currently hate my hair and I haven’t left the house this week b/c I cannot get it to look not dumb, but I can’t actually go somewhere and have this remedied b/c of the three kids and the not being able to leave the house w/ a dumb looking head. And I haven’t had a chance to shower this week, so that might be part of both problems.
And that thing, way back at the beginning of this comment? The writer part? This is the most I’ve written in two weeks.
But, I wouldn’t say that either of us is failing at personhood. (Which is also a fucking WORD! Spell check, I can do without your judgmental little red squiggle). Human. Some people DO get a lot of shit done. But, how happy or successful they feel is all relative. And I feel like the best part of getting older is that I could not give fewer fucks about what makes other people happy when their “happiness” is doing a crack job of making me miserable.
Oh, that’s right, you wanted stuff that helps….
Well, okay. Talking to friends. Though most of my grad school friends are still doing grad school things, and the other few friends decided not to homeschool, but we just started homeschooling, so I haven’t really had time to make those kinds of friends yet. I’m kind of stuck in that over your twenties friends, haven’t found the other ones yet phase. But, talking to the few I have is lots of fun and I wish I had more time to do it. I wish I had a friend that lived close enough and we could get together a bunch and have our kids play and we could hang out. Getting outside. Sunshine. Getting even a fraction of one thing done. At least that shit is done. I make a list. On paper. And once I accomplish something I scribble it out as crazily as possible. It makes me feel better b/c it looks better. Sometimes I put things on there I know I will accomplish, like eat breakfast. Pee. Breath. Just to boost my stats 🙂
I think this post was honest, and thoughtful, and helpful to me. And writing that jumble above was peacemaking. Thank you for making me think it. And for making me laugh.
Dear Jenny,
I feel like an impostor all the time. Even when I’m accomplishing things. Especially when I’m accomplishing things.
I know you’re doing cognitive therapy, Keep up the good work. I started doing dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) almost a year ago. Sometimes, the stuff they say shines through a little bit and I can see something different. But it’s a long process.
All my life I’ve focused on my failures (perceived and real), my shortcomings, my unfulfilled potential. All my life I’ve compared myself to my perception of others. All my life I’ve been too much of the wrong things and too little of the right ones. My brain is wired this way. It takes time, effort, energy, time, patience, time… and more to pick those wires apart and put them back together in a different way. That’s my goal: a different way.
Because this life I lead is sometimes unbearable. Because I deserve better. And Jenny – you deserve better, too.
So, as hard as it is, we must focus on our success. You made it to the bank! That’s awesome. Congrats on being able to cross that off the list of things to do. [In DBT therapy, we’d consider this ‘mastery.’ You completed the task. Try to find a measure of accomplishment in completing the task.] We must also forgive ourselves. We must also always keep trying.
How many good days I have depends on the time frame you look at and what you consider successful. I homeschool my 3 children and am relying right now on an online program for my middle child because he needs a heavy scientific/mathematics curriculum I’m not able to put together in my current mental state. My ugly voice (failure brain) says “What a cop out. You’re not good enough to do this, you know.” My quiet success focused voice says “Great job. You recognized a need and found an efficient way to fill it.” Sometimes they duke it out. Every once in a great while, the quiet voice actually wins. I believe it will get better.
In the meantime, let me compliment you. While that wasn’t the point of your post, it’s still important. Very few authors are accessible enough to me that I can actually share with them the importance their work has in my life. So, from a reader to an author, I say “Thank you for your words. I’m jealous you’re able to compose them. I’m amazed at the time, effort, energy, and honesty you put into your work. But most of all, following your words has been a blessing to me. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I cringe. But it’s always a great read.”
Thanks, Jenny.
Sincerely,
An Impostor.
Oh hell no you are not alone in this!!!! I just got a Facebook message from a former friend who wants to “catch up” and by “catch up” I’m pretty sure she means “tell me about her picture-perfect, Hallmark-card family and then express pity at my life” and NO THANKS.
My first book bombed and I don’t have the heart to write another. My blog is “meh.” I’m unwillingly single when all my local friends are coupled off and always off doing couple things. I’m physically healthy but I have depression and anxiety. I work from home so some days I can’t be arsed to take a shower or even leave my apartment. I’m 28 and have decided that a huge part of being an adult is bullshitting through it.
Nobody has it all together. And if it looks like they do, they’re either lying to themselves, to others, or both.
I have so many of the same struggles. I also have some uniquely mine, and see that I am fortunate not to suffer with some of yours. I can usually find something to feel good about in my day maybe 10% of the time. I have found a few things that really DO help, when I don’t let myself get overwhelmed to the point of losing all reason (that is a major problem for me. I take on too much until I collapse under it all):
Learn to say “Oh Well”, and mean it. Is it going to kill you or someone you love, cause irreparable harm, or be needlessly cruel or hurtful to another living being? If not, oh well. I have enough flaws that I can certainly find bigger things to worry about if it doesn’t fit into one of those categories. This goes from dropping a piece of toast to dealing with hateful trolls, or screwing up big time and forgetting to pick the kid up on time.
Opportunities arise from crappy circumstances. If we were perfect all the time, we and those we love would actually miss out on a lot. Sometimes our little failures become a pivotal moment in retrospect. Sometimes they are just another chance at bettering ourselves. Considering both scenarios as equally important helps to put things in perspective.
I truly believe that if you touch one life in such a way as to make it’s existence more fulfilling you are leaving a legacy worth being proud of. What hurts is not a lack on our part. I think it is actually having too much ego; placing too much importance on ourselves and not focusing on how we all impact each other that makes us feel like failures when we don’t live up to the superheroes we feel we should be. I love my superheroes, but let’s be honest. The whole lot of ’em are self important, self absorbed asshats. My idols are the people who think they are one small piece of a great community, and become extraordinary by being a determined to make it better for others. The really smart folk know that only helps YOU too. Everything else is really an “Oh well”.
I am personally focusing on trying to stop fixating on getting better, and focusing instead on being better. Even something small like letting a jerk into traffic ahead of you might mean the world to his kid when he isn’t angry anymore when he gets home.
There is a reason I count you as a personal hero. You take little moments and use them to share, enlighten, or encourage. Every day that something you have said or done makes someone else smile or comforts them, you have something to be proud of. You just don’t get to see that it is happening, every single day.
– apologies for a long and probably disjointed comment, but I am not well at the moment. I thought it was more important to share than to be completely coherent. Hope someone out there thinks so too.
2 days, if that. And I have a fucking PhD, am a leader in my field, a job I love, and I get to wear jeans to work and play with cool stuff.
I think you’re lovely and hilarious. Most of those pictures only show the instagrammed good stuff, not all the crap they had to do to get that one awesome picture.
Fuck those guys.
I’m bad at lots of things, having diabetes, exercising often, not eating chocolate and getting it all over the receipts I have to turn into the accounting department, not emailing the boy I’m still in love with, but admit we’re better off apart, not buying things from Etsy…etc.
I just admit I’m an a$$holio and mooove on, dwelling on it only gets you deeper into the swamps of sadness. God knows that didn’t help Atreyu and Artax, ya know what I mean, gurl?
So um… I feel like this all the time. I have bipolar 2 and my lows are more intense than my highs. I have my meds and this is life learning to deal with my mental illness… among the other things I’m learning of my health. Apparently it’s all bad.
On good months I do a lot… sometimes… like way more good days than bad. These times are uncomfortable because everything is going too fast, even though I’m doing the amazing look at me I’m productive thing. That and I don’t finish anything and then I get overwhelmed and cry.
Sometimes I just remember to feed the kids and exist. It’s hard to feel like you’re just looking in on your life and not living it… I hope that makes sense. I feel really disconnected at times. I don’t get the anxiety, but this newly diagnosed thyroid mess intensifies my lows and then adds some fatigue in there for good measure. I just get really really really bad depression, and then I have 3 good days out of the month (WITH MY MEDS). I’m learning to be okay with that, and it’s really really hard. But this is what it is. I have a mental health disorder and I live my life a little differently than people that don’t have to worry about mental health.
So, I stopped looking at the other people around me, because I really A) don’t care what they’re doing, B) don’t know their story… they could be faking it too, or C) want to upset myself because I’m not doing it all. I am on the PTA by the way, and it’s a load of horse crap sometimes. I don’t go when I’m having a bad day… and that’s okay too. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Just getting out of bed is an accomplishment on a real crap day. Look at the little things… getting dressed, eating, the bank (that’s huge for me, so woot to you)… go easy on you. Hugs and feel better.
You’re not alone. I feel like a total failure, too, even though I *know* I’m not. I have accomplished things. I work and I raise kids and I cook and I write. But still. I wonder sometimes if a large part of it is access to what others are doing: blogs, facebook, pinterest – every time I think “wow, there’s no way I could/would want to do something like that” I end up questioning whether I am a good person/good mom/good wife because I can’t craft or don’t have elaborate datenight plans or don’t homeschool or supplement school or whatever.
And I do that thing where I marginalize everything. “Oh, thanks, but it’s no big deal.” What’s with that?
The only things that seem to help? Exercise, in a group, with other women who are trying but not being too snotty about how far they’ve come and who celebrate and support one another (I do Baby Boot Camp) and a book club I started that usually ends up being more like a wine/social club where we compare our days and our lives and our scars and see that we’re not alone and gain wisdom from the effort of revealing our worst.
Good luck, I love you.
Me, too. All of it. Every word.
Until someone introduced me to the world of gift I thought much as you do. 5 years later I still do but I understand it better. http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10554.aspx
Check out this article. If it doesn’t come through google Dabrowski’s Theory and Existential Depression in Gifted Children and Adults
Treading water is better than drowning. Also, those shiny happy people you described? Everything you said about them was on the surface. Underneath, they’re probably just as messed up as everyone else. Better to be honest and face your issues, I say.
How many days do I feel successful as a person? I probably would have said a week or so a few months ago, but then my husband decided to go haywire and decide I was everything that was wrong with his life, so it’s been a long while since I’ve felt anything but a failure. I keep telling myself another day will come, and some days, just opening my eyes in the morning is a win.
Let me say this about that. It’s normal and people just don’t talk about it.
I’ve struggled with low level depression my whole life. I’m basically the best, mentally, physically, emotionally I’ve ever been. I’m currently not medicated. I probably don’t need to be. I have, however, been medicated. When the shit gets bad, I go right back to my doctor.
I work at an office 4 days a week. I try to look my best and act human to people. But some days? My hair is dirty, I’m wearing dirty clothes and have hardly any or no makeup on. And I’m actually at work. Some days I’m a total bitch, some days I feel like I cannot complete a sentence. Many days I feel like a fraud when I tell people what I do for a living. On average I can kick ass at work about 1 day a week. There are spots of brilliance, efficiency and productivity other days. But yeah, 1 day a week I can get shit done. The other? Probably surfing on Pinterest and facebook and passing the time.
So the one day of efficiency at work? Well, home suffers. At home? I have so many unfinished projects, un-started creative ideas and piles and piles of paperwork and mail everywhere. I’m also a collector and this just adds to the clutter. I’m frightened sometimes that I’m much less productive & organized at home. My cat’s litter box always seems to be full. The dishes always seem to need washed. The laundry always needs to be done. That list of un-done things goes on forever.
What I try to do is this:
Try to do one non self care thing a day
If I do more, I feel even better
Pick my battles with projects. Allow myself to have one focus at a time.
When I accomplish something, I allow myself to feel good about it. No matter how small it is.
When someone compliments me, I try to simply say Thank You. (even if I feel like they’re wrong or I’m a fraud)
I try to give myself a break when things get overwhelming. Life is fast, things are hard sometimes and I just chalk it up to that. I try not to blame Me.
I’m rambling. A professional rambler. I hope this helps.
I think this is pretty typical. My boss once asked how something went, and I said I’wasn’t sure if I’m even being useful or if I’m just a nuisance – he said he thought the same about most of the stuff he does. I make it to work more or less fully dressed every day it pretty much clean and intact clothing (which everyone seems to think is not some kind of incredible accomplishment) – how the hell do other people get into the office not only clothed but with makeup and HAIRSTYLES?
“We are dreadfully like other people” is my daily mantra, when I feel like a failure because I don’t drive my kid around to sell band candy or whatever bullshit. And who says those people you’re seeing are the gold standard, anyway? I’d much rather read your writing than follow someone who has found 57 ways to repurpose toilet seat covers.
A suggestion: write down your definition of success. Mine is “Don’t be an asshole. Help others. Expect that others help you and aren’t assholes. If they are assholes, it’s not because of you, but you can totally call them on it.”
Most days I can hit that mark.
Jay Smooth, among his other awesomeness, posted this on the little haters in your head:
http://www.illdoctrine.com/2013/02/haters_dont_die_they_multiply.html
Good gawd, it’s not just you. I have spent the last 3 sessions of therapy trying to break through Imposter syndrome crap. Yeah, I don’t want to be one of the shiny happy pastel people, but so often, I wonder what secret they know about being happy that I don’t.
I feel like I’m kicking life’s ass anywhere from 0-5 days per month. And it’s never 2 days in a row. I feel like a failure as a mother, a professional, and a plethora of other things at alternating times. I struggle with generalized anxiety and am sure at various times in a month that my husband is just going to walk out the door. For what reason I don’t know, just a deep-seated fear. And I don’t talk about this with him or anyone. Fucked up. I am terrified of swing sets. I can’t hardly stand to be around one at a public playground or watch my kids swing on them. Fucked up. So, where am I going with this? Oh yeah, you aren’t alone. I could sit here and make a list about all the ways I’m sub-par, but I’m pretty sure it’s not that interesting. When all else fails, I just eat cookie dough and call it a day.
You’re human… like the rest of us. I struggle with generalized anxiety disorder, probably a smattering of depression, functional OCD and a pinch of split personality (I have two “muses” that reside in my head along with my usual voice and the voice of my worst critic).
I try not to take medications because they dull me down so that I don’t care, I’m not creative and I get really lazy. About once or twice a week I feel like I really accomplished something. The rest of the time I have a constant stream of chatter running through my head about how I’ve wasted my talent and my life doing nothing more meaningful than raising my son, keeping the house mostly clean, stopped the merciless procreating of laundry and dishes and got the bills mostly paid on time.
I should be writing and editing my novels, composing music and lyrics and producing it, but alas, it falls by the wayside thanks to the mundane every day crap that demands to be done and taken care of before I get any me time. There are not enough hours in the day. Perhaps I should stop sleeping and drink more coffee… then maybe I would accomplish something relevant to my success as a person other than mom, wife, daughter, housekeeper, pet owner etc.
You are definitely not alone. I have not been diagnosed with any form of mental illness and I feel unsuccessful and unaccomplished on a near daily basis. So it is definitely a “normal people” thing too.
We have a room in out apartment that is full of boxes and shit we never unpacked or sorted through and I swear it’s breeding more shit every day. We moved in almost 4 years ago. Still not unpacked. We have babies coming soon, and this is supposed to be their room if I can get myself to clean it out.
I keep thinking I want to write a book, even if it never gets published or read by anyone else, yet I can’t bring myself to even put my ideas and thoughts on paper. This is probably out of some overwhelming fear that someone might actually read it, and tell me it sucks, so I never get the courage to start.
Some days I feel good because I took a shower before noon and didn’t get right back in bed for a few more hours for another nap. I have to remind myself that watching an entire season of some show on Netflix isn’t “doing something” with my day.
What I try to do, to feel like I really did accomplish something each day is to make myself a list of 3 things that I need to do today (or tomorrow, depends when I make my list). These can be anything from vacuum, dishes, clean desk, go to store, pay bills, cook dinner (like actually cook, not heat up a boxed dinner), or whatever else I should do during the day. That way no matter whatever else I did with my day, I can say that I accomplished those 3 little goals I set for myself and not feel like my day was a total waste.
Totally not alone! I have (maybe) 5 days a month of “I’m doing it right”. The rest of the time I feel like a complete failure and that my husband and kids would be better off without me. I KNOW this is irrational, but it’s the feeling I live in most of the time. The funny thing is that I compensate with an external overconfidence so no one would even guess… I have also noticed that stress makes it exponentially worse.
There are 313.9 million people in the USA as of 2012. Maybe 1 million of them are actually doing the crap on Pinterest and have the always clean houses ( which is just the opposite end of the spectrum of mental illness IMO). So there are way more of us struggling to keep it together and keep everyone alive every day and hoping our kids look presentable and that we aren’t screwing them up than there are being shiny, happy people. At least you are aware of your issues – that puts you ahead of the curve!
P.S. I’ve been on the PTO boards – its 5 women doing all the work because no one else will.
You are so not alone… I feel like this all the time…. I’m a mother of 2 kiddos and work full time. I a very few and far between days where I actually feel like I accomplished things. I am constantly beating myself up for not doing enough with my day. As a sit here and type this I feel guilty for not doing laundry right now instead, that I’m lazy and wasting my day. My SO tells me pretty often that I’m doing a great job as a mother/person…. but a big part of me feels like I’m not doing enough, I could be better. I feel like my kids and SO are going to realize one day that I’m a fraud and that their are way better mothers/partners out there. It sucks.
I don’t know that I’m ever pleased with all of me. Ever. I’m a control-freak engineer with a weird, nerdy mind. I have various versions of me that are compartmentalized:
Work Marianne: She kicks ass most of the time. I am VERY good at my job. I work hard at it and am pretty successful at it. Sadly, Work Marianne is just a job and doesn’t make me feel good about the person I am.
Mom Marianne: Dude, I don’t even know what I’m doing half the time here. I USED to think I was doing a bang-up job…but the teenage years are kicking my butt and make me doubt EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. if I only thought I was doing a good job back then but in reality I was laying the foundation for the she-devil that frequently replaces my child. On the one hand, she’s beautiful, smart and funny and I am sure will grow out of the teenage surliness. On the other, she has developed this fixation that she NEEDS a boyfriend that has me totally stressed. How the fuck did I let that happen?
Home Marianne: I really, really suck at this. My house is never put together…I can’t seem to keep the animal fur dust-bunnies at bay…Really, I constantly feel like a total failure in this area. The boards on my back porch are rotting…my grass in the back yard is dying. We’ve had our house on the market for over two years, but it always looks like a fucking wreck if the realtor ever shows it. ugh, I’m making my own stomach turn.
Body-Image Marianne: I suck here too. I’m wayyyy overweight. But I do have good hair.
Wife Marianne: The marriage has lasted for over 23 years now, so there’s that. But the last few years have been tough ones. My husband has had some issues managing his depression and my over-controlling self assumes that if I could make him happier…he’d be better.
I don’t know if I’ve answered this question or not?
I can’t honestly say I feel that way too often. I have to interject that I am 23, with all the bubbling youthful optimism and still a bit of naivete (that I hope never goes away) that comes with being 23. I struggle with depression too, but have learned to control it with medication and exercise. I don’t come from a wealthy family or have any other sort of advantages other than the basics that most Americans have–the air in my lungs, two legs and a willingness to work. When I have days like this, when I feel like my life is stagnant or that I am failing, like my peers are outpacing me (I never finished college, while most of my friends are working on graduate degrees or landing stellar jobs or are officers in the military) or that I am not reaching my full potential–I kick my own ass. I remind myself: “If my life was a movie, would anyone watch it? Am I living an interesting, good story?” If the answer is no, I know I just need to make some changes. (A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller is a fantastic book that deals with this concept.)
I hope you find that things get better. Love you, and your blog, in all your not-perfect glory.
I’ve mentioned this to you before but you don’t know me at all so it was probably just a big “mehhhh…whatevs” but I seriously think you might have adrenal fatigue which is treatable and CURABLE. I was there, right where you are…where A LOT of people are. And I wanted to die but that seemed like so much fucking WORK. I had some testing done outside of my “conventional” medical provider, was diagnosed and started on a supplement plan that has changed my life. I went from years of a couple of good days a month to the past year of only a couple of bad days a month. It isn’t perfection but holy shit life is amazing when it’s LIVABLE and I have energy. Enjoying things is so nice! I could tell you more but I already sound like a commercial. I’m happy to answer any questions.
It’s humbling to me that so many people feel awful so much the time. I rarely think about my life in terms of if I’m “succeeding” or not, and 95% of the time I feel basically happy and content. I have experienced impostor syndrome, but it strikes once or twice a year, not once or twice a day.
I’m glad you’re getting a message of “you’re not alone” loud and clear, but even if this is a common way to feel, that still doesn’t make it normal. I hope you will try radical things to fix it until it’s fixed.
I believe that our modern life and food system are poisons, and because of the whims of genetics they affect people in different ways, and some more than others. I was always one of the luckier ones, but getting rid of processed foods in my diet still made a world of difference. My suggestion is if you have any energy to do anything to help yourself out of this, then the first priority should be eating foods with no bar codes. The second priority should be getting into nature—or just outside for a walk—every day. (Those things really are radical, based on the backlash I get for believing in their power to cure.) Best to you.
Normally, I have one day a week I feel like I have accomplished and kept up. It’s enough that I don’t feel like a complete failure and keeps me going until I have that one day I feel human and able to take on the world. Every once in a long while I have a few days in a row where I feel like a superstar at life and those are amazing. And every once in a while I have no superstar human days for a couple of weeks and those are horrible long weeks where I am convinced I suck at everything.
In my experience, the women who seem amazing and have houses, lives, children that look like the inspiration for pinterest have some kind of crap hidden away. They just keep the veneer looking shiney to distract you from the crap they hide or pretend doesn’t exist.
I often feel as if I’m treading water, and that I will never measure up, be perceived as loving and nurturing and caring, or successful in business or marriage or really anything. I feel like I shouldn’t be this old, struggling this hard just to be at a level of social competency that would allow me to be in a roomful of people for more than 10 minutes, or have lunch with my kids at their school or show up at meet the teacher night.
I don’t think it’s a few of us, either. I think this kind of thing isn’t talked about because it’s so prevalent. I try to assume that most people (especially women, because especially in the south, we are trained from birth to hide our true reactions and to behave a certain way in public) I interact with feel a version of what I feel, and that makes it easier on me.
I feel like an imposter too sometimes, because of the very things that make me doubt myself so much: The fact that I try to only share the happy and pretty and up-beat in my life with others, but behind it all are the tears and self-doubt and secrets and failures, which is the same thing most people do (on Facebook, blogs, etc), creating the “highlights reel” that we all then compare ourselves to.
How do I pull myself out of the funk? I stop comparing, I stop looking at what others have and do and try really hard to just focus on the best for myself and my family. The problem being that never lasts, sooner or later I’m drawn back into the comparisons and it gets me down again. It’s an annoying cycle.
Sometimes breaking free of it means I try to stay away from people and social events for a while, just to give myself that mental space, but that can’t last either of course.
It’s hard. And no, you’re not alone. Thank you for writing about it.
Well I dont suffer from these ailments and I never have. I come from 2 broken homes and I lived with my grandmother from the 8th grade until graduation. I always hear people saying “well my parents divorce made me this way” or some other reason they ate someone’s face or shoplifted.
Now Im moderately successful in middle class terms. I have a good job, I make decent money, I live in a very nice neighborhood, Ive been married for nearly 15 years and I have 4 wonderful children all of whom are very smart (test scores say so so dont go thinking im self absorbed. I am but lets not get off topic).
You might say Im one of those “well put together” people you see. Truth is Im just an average guy nothing more. Seems to me you measure part of your worth based on the “value” you think others have. I work with people just like that. Constantly chasing more employees to supervise and that next new shiny and impressive job title. Me. If I gave less of a shit Id create a black hole of less than a shit giving and destroy us all! Id care but I think I just covered that. I measure my progress in life and my happiness by the love and enjoyment I derive from those closest to me (family) and friends.
Job titles dont mean shit when you die and neither does the number of people you lorded over (unless you happen to be the queen which lets face it…aint happening). So when you think “man I did fuckall today” ask yourself this. Did I make my wife or husband smile? Did I bring happiness into someone’s life like your daughter or those of us who read this blog? The answer is probably yes. How can that be a wasted day? You know how many shitheels there are who’s only universal purpose seems to be pouring misery into the lives of others? Thats a wasted day and a waste of a life.
Be glad you are who you are. Id love to have your talent, your way of talking to people and your sense of style. I dont and I dont feel any less of a person for it. Im happy with me. I think you are fucking awesome (if I were british I might say you’re the tits but then Victor might raise an eyebrow in askance….i found a way to work askance into a sentence…go me!).
So that’s my STFU and be happy with who you are speech. Love yourself. We all do.
It is nearly impossible to be objective about how you’re doing in your own life; you’re just too close to it to be able to see clearly. So take it from us – the community you created through your creativity and heart and fun – that whatever it feels like you’re not getting done every day, you do a lot for us. Sometimes on my days when I feel like the worst fuck up on the planet, I read a post here and it helps just to laugh and not take myself so seriously. I think the worst part of not feeling like I’m doing a good job at life is that I feel like I’m letting myself down, not living up to my potential or whatever. But you can’t take pride in your accomplishments if you won’t let yourself just be proud of who you are first. That’s something I really struggle with.
I feel like this all the time. Like I am a total imposter- like the person that people think I am (the one that at least some of them seem to like) is just a person they made up because “normal” and “good” people are to nice to even imagine what a loser I am. And I have just been playing along. I lie awake at night and worry about the day when all the people who say they love me will figure out what an awful, worthless piece of humanity I really am and leave me alone like I deserve to be.
The few times I have tried to explain this to anyone they didn’t even come close to understanding. They just said of course I was wrong and of course I am a “good” person and a “smart” person and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. So thank you for this post. It’s kinda made me start to cry at my desk – but thank you.
For what it’s worth, there’s boxes in our house in the “Scary back room” that never got unpacked from 16 years ago. I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed. I’m not sure how many days are good. I know they are better when I’m not at work. When I’m out with my husband, things are better. That 3 day weekend when I hang out with a shitload of friends & play Cards against Humanity. I felt the stifling, pressing anxiety you feel when I read what you’re dealing with. I think you’re doing as good as you can. You’re getting the help you need. You know you have problems & you’ve gotten the tools to work with. It’s just our stupid brains that make us stumble, and we have to get up & get moving again. None of us want to see you fail. I wish I could give you a hug & a cookie & a glass of wine & make things better. Here’s a )cyberhug). Now go get a cookie & some wine, mmkay?
I think I feel like I’ve kicked ass maybe a few moments here and there during a month. There’s no single day that I feel like I am a success–I have moments. Like when my son makes a new friend (he has high-functioning Autism and stuggles with that), or when he remembers to be polite without me asking. Maybe when someone at work remembers something I taught them. When I catch green lights on the CitiBike going from subway to office. When my hair looks nice. There are days when all someone has to do is look at me mean and I’m all kerfluffled.
I do not have many friends. Moms at school don’t really connect with me (work-outside-the-home moms do a bit better than stay-at-home). My support system is mostly my husband–who is on meds for ADD, depression and anxiety. One of my best days this year was when he went to a psychiatrist and got medication to help himself. A big reason why he did that is because I had you as a guide to how things can be better. I literally spoke of you and your book and how he was suffering needlessly. That day I kicked ass, and so did you!
A kick ass DAY? A whole day? Nope. Doesn’t happen. Flow from one day to the next. Try to remember to pay bills on time, try to make myself go to PTA meeting (yuck), try and make food for my family every day (not my strongest skill). Try not to leave the dirty dishes too long. But then forget to put the garbage down to the street and then have to kill about 15 flies that have emerged and entered my house as a result.
But I get hugs and kisses and love from my family. And it’s all OK.
I don’t suffer from depression or any other form of mental illness and I still feel like I can never get ahead and no matter how much I do, there are always so many things left to finish. I think it’s human nature to never be completely satisfied. Besides, isn’t having something to look forward to, something to work towards, a goal to reach, a project to finish, the thing that keeps us going?
I’ve never jumped on your bandwagon because I didn’t think I was relevant, and because you seem to have some followers who seemed to be so anxious to help you didn’t need mine. But, since you asked, I will tell you what I think. You have asked yourself THE QUESTION. In my experience, when I have “that feeling” that I’m the only one, I have come to realize that this is my “I need extra help” moment. Friends and family probably already know that I have reached this point, but if no one is brave enough to tell me then I rely on this. Jenny, it’s time. It’s you. You just need a slight correction. ?
I don’t have anxiety. I don’t have depression. By all accounts, I am a fairly normal girl from KY. How many days a month do I feel successful? Ummm… like none? I really can’t remember a day where I felt like I kicked ass. There is ALWAYS something that I feel like I should have done but didn’t. There are days where, even though I cooked a homemade meal for my family after putting a full day in at the office, I feel like I failed my family because I didn’t clean the dishes or fold the laundry that has been sitting in the basket(s) for at least 2 weeks now. There are days where, as much as I love them, I can not wait to put my effing kids to sleep. And then I feel guilty because I work full time and I should CHERISH every moment with them (or some bull shit like that). For every 1 thing I get done, there are 20 still looming. It’s a never ending cycle and there is no way to keep up and it is really fucking hard to ever feel like I am accomplished when my laundry list of things to do is already 5 miles long and continues to grow. This is the first year my oldest is in after school activities. No, I did not sign up to help coach her team. Hell, I didn’t even sign up to bring snacks to the games. I will probably never be a PTA mom, or homeroom mother or any of that stuff.
Hell, I consider myself lucky if I make it through the day with myself and my kids all still in one piece (thanks alcohol for that one accomplishment)- dirty hair, stained shirts and all.
What you describe has been called under other circumstances a “fire in the belly.” You want to accomplish great, meaningful things with the talents God has given you and you almost always feel you’ve fallen short. Not everyone has this, not everyone is motivated to do good, or at least to do no harm, to make a difference in the world. This is what makes you feel frustrated, like you are missing the mark. The fact that you experience “writer’s block” implies that you expect something of yourself that most people don’t. To put it another way, for most people “writer’s block” is the norm. Just be aware that a fire in the belly is a gift, not a handicap, and realize that there are people (myself included) who cherish you for what you attempt, not just what you accomplish.
I think I feel this more now that I’m a mom. Some days I don’t even remember what I did with my son that day. Other days I go to bed thinking…”damn, that’s what people were talking about” and I feel like I just soaked up all the good in that day. They’re few and far between, but they’re at least still happening. I don’t think it’s just you at all. I think it’s something most people don’t want to talk about.
You are not an imposter. The people who have the Pastel Lives wish they had Primary Colored Lives and those people wish their world was black and white. Everyone has those dusty boxes. They might be in the corner of the room or in a closet on the top shelf or in the recesses of their mind but they are there.
Look at Hailey – is she happy? Is she doing well? If so then guess what? You accomplished that and it counts every fucking day.
First off, I have no mental illness or disorders. I still feel like most days I have accomplished nothing… that I have added nothing to society, or even simply gotten half the stuff I should have around my house. I have boxes in my closet that I just opened a week ago. They have been there since I moved in over 2 years ago. (Last time I moved I had boxes I did not open at all in the 3 years I lived in that apartment.) I ran out of toilet paper last month and, no joke, used the cardboard roll. I have had some of the same simple home repairs on my to-do list for over a year. I think these issues are normal. The only difference is, for me, that since I do not have anxiety I am able to accept that this is the way most people are. I wish I made more of a difference, but I just try to get better at accomplishing things. It makes me feel better when I have a physical list that I can mark things off of even if the things I need to do that day are just everyday household chores. Something about marking anything off a list makes me feel a bit better. Remember that most of us have the same faults, but no one really wants to advertise them.
P.S. I have unwashed hair today.
You’re absolutely not alone. I’d bet that many of the “pastel people” are in the mix, too, but they’d never acknowledge it.
Wow. All I can say is me fucking too.
Maybe 5? I am productive 5 days or less. And I almost always feel depressed about it.
The outpouring of comments has been amazing. It helps me to read them.
And you help me Jenny. Thank you.
5-10 days I feel awesome
15-20 days I feel that I’m not good enough
1-5 days of the month I feel like I am terrible at everything, I’m ruining my son, I’ll never get out of debt. I eat a lot of ice cream in this period.
My benchmark for success changes every day. Probably the best thing I’ll accomplish all week is getting a relatively even cat-eye the other day. But maybe I’m not the best measure – I’m 25, single, and still working retail despite having finished a 4-year degree and most of a teaching certificate. I feel like I’ll never amount to anything most days. I can never seem to find the motivation to do what I want with my life, even though it should be easy.
I find the only thing I can do most days is ignore it. Get out of bed and try to fond one little thing I did right that day and let it make me feel good, because the only other option is crushing self-doubt.
Man, oh, man, Jenny – I wish I could look at you from a glass bubble and say, “wow, what is wrong with her?” but instead I am sitting here reading and relating and saying not only, “wow, what is wrong with me?” but also, “wow, it’s nice to not be so alone in this.”
Fighting that overwhelming feeling of failure may not be a daily battle for me – but it’s frequent enough that I can truly relate. As I am such a failure, I can’t really tell you a good path to success…but I can tell you tricks that help me –
* cats are awesome. it’s pretty tough to fail a cat. mostly they will just snuggle with you and not ask questions
* speaking up (to the right person of course) helps. it hurts to admit out loud that you feel like you aren’t good enough or that you are failing at your job, or that you can’t handle going to the grocery store today. but if you have the right people supporting you – it makes it easier.
* keeping it to yourself helps. sometimes you know that by telling a certain someone how you are feeling they are going to not treat your emotional condition correctly – if you are astute enough to know this don’t ask for a tailspin of emotion by opening up yourself to them.
* reading helps. when i fail. when people fail. when the world fails – books win. losing yourself into something outside yourself that still engages your gray matter and forces you to think even when you don’t want to. (tv does not always engage and can be a great escape but i find it much less emotionally productive)
I feel the worst when it’s time to pay the bills and I realize I don’t have enough money. I feel even worse when I look at my kids and imagine a life without them. I make myself feel better by reassessing everything. I remind myself that just 10 months ago I was fleeing a relationship with a drug addict where myself and my children were not safe. I remind myself that I am playing the roles of both parents and it’s ok to wish I could disappear. I remind myself that today I got out of bed. I remember that sometimes we have to take into account the little accomplishments. I curled my hair today, I shaved my legs last night, I cooked dinner two nights in a row, I made time to sit with each child individually, I snuggled with the cat. I don’t know that I ever really feel successful but occasionally I feel like I have my shit together.
NOT just you. It is me, it is most of the people I know who are creative and female and struggle with depression, anxiety, ADD, etc. Also, you have RA. Please take that into account. I have autoimmune arthritis too, along with everything else, and I feel like I am able to do NOTHING. EVER. And probably never again. And menstrual cycles fuck my brain up, too, so I feel like ME maybe two days per month. The rest is just existence. I got dark, too. I’m sorry. I wish our brains and bodies would let us enjoy that gold ring.
I know what you mean. On ‘paper’ it all looks great. I’m 30, pregnant with third child, award-winning journo, editor of magazine, parenting website owner, mother, wife. It seems okay. But it feels like I have accomplished NOTHING.
Another first-time commenter post to validate that you are not alone, and to remind us that we are in fact plenty “good enough”. I struggle with many similar issues to yours. People rarely talk about this, especially that Great Imposter Syndrome. Do things to take care of yourself. Improve your thoughts and you will improve your life, it is important not to compare “my insides” with “other people’s outsides”.
This quote helped me with this issue today…
“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts; therefore guard accordingly.” ~ Marcus Aurelius
Yeah-you’re pretty normal alright. All of the people I know who claim to feel all productive and awesome either lack introspection or are delusional. They just won’t admit to being delusional about their awesomeness. If I rally to one or two things a month that make me feel genuinely proud, it’s been a great month. I’ve been told that I set the bar too high, but whatever.
The sick truth is that most of life is ordinary, mundane, repetitive and frustrating. For some reason I thought that would go away when I got to be a grownup, when I got married, when I had a kid, when the dog had better manners, when the cat stayed off the dining room table, when my family picked up their socks, when I was a mover and shaker in the PTA. It has been a disappointment. These things have added to my crazy.
At the moment, I’m working on being more like Popeye. Eating a few more deep green leafy things, chuckling weirdly over random things, and going on ad nauseum about how “I yam what I yam and that’s all what I yam.” It has been mostly helpful.
Wow. This was like looking into a mirror. No, you are not alone at all. I decided a long time ago that whatever it is that most people have, whatever that gene is or mechanism for getting things done and being successful, I don’t have. I’m not good at life. Or being a person. Call it what you want, but it’s not something I’ve been able to master. I’m forty now. I try something every other month I hope will put on me on track. Therapy. Higher dosage. New workout routine. A book on the history of Paris. A trip to Italy only to realize I don’t have the financial smarts to pay for it. I feel like I’m doing well or hitting my marks about 3-5 days a month. I feel like I’m just taking up space, paralyzed by anxiety, regret and worry, about 10 – 15 days a month. The rest I’m either totally in the dumps or have sheltered myself in a cocoon of golden girls episodes or movies on TCM. I’m still trying. I’m starting a new exercise routine next week. Who knows? I have no idea how to do it or what will work or when the switch will flip. Maybe it won’t. If you figure it out, let me know. All I know is life is really hard. At least for me and apparently others. Of course then I feel guilty when I think of cancer. All the cancer. Jesus all the cancer! So then I get to feel like an awful person because I don’t volunteer to help people with cancer. Thank god for the golden girls. Dorothy always seemed to know what to do.
PS the question mark is a heart.
Being a fellow certified medicated individual I thought you may well like my response. I have battled hell daily for more years than I care to admit and the only way I can manage is by making a successful day so easy to accomplish. A good day for me is to 1 make someone smile. On bad days a baby makes this easy even if the trip to a store is hell. 2. Learn something new everyday. Some days this is a few moments on youtube.. never said it had to be true. 3. I have to see beauty in something…anything… and yea on bad days you can still see beuty somewhere. Crazy messes up pile of clothes has been used more days than I care to admit. That’s it. 3 things. It helps if your funny, you are,. It helps if you have a very supportive family around you, you do… way more than me just take my word on it. Lastly it helps if you consider yourself wonderfully crazy. You may not yet but someday I hope you see the beauty in you… in my case I skip in stores, bark at dogs, and yes I still puddlejump. Not bad for a 45 year old fat man, not bad at all.
You are so not alone. I’m older then you and have been feeling this way my whole life. The PTA Mom’s have pain that they hide from the world. They are the fakes you are real that is why we love you. You put what so many of us feel out there for all the world to see. I wish you were around when I was younger. Then I would have known that I was not alone. The good thing you do every day is let us share how we feel with out guilt. That is a huge gift to all of us. We can say that we are not perfect and not feel ashamed about it. We no longer have to act like we are June Cleaver we can be Jenny and be proud when we say it. Don’t judge by how many days you feel “normal” judge by how wonderful your daughter is, the many people you have helped and the love we send your way.
My poor 2nd grader gets to wait until Thursday to get her ENTIRE Friday packet done before the next day. My hardwood floors look like crap, my toilet is filthy and my dog desperately needs a bath… and training. I’ve tried to be like the PTA moms… I’ve also tried to LIKE the PTA moms. I failed at both. I fail at being a freaking woman! I know NOTHING of fashion or hair or makeup and yet I have 3 girls who I have to try to fake it for.
But I consider myself lucky.
Because of you and your blog, I can see I’m not alone. In this stupid world of idolized perfection, you’re not afraid to stand up and be gloriously different. To be real.
I love you for it.
Two things that you’ve probably heard before, but bring me back to awesome everytime:
“The thing that screws you up most in life is the picture in your head of how it is supposed to be.”
“The only person that you need to be better than is the person that you were yesterday.”
That said, you are amazing, hilarious, intellegent, crazy creative… But none of those at 100%, 100% of the time—That would be exhausting. “Most of the time we see our heros in highlights and ourselves in shaddows.” YOU NEED TO SEE YOUR HIGHLIGHTS! Way more than a few days a month. Have you seen your gorgeous house?! Read your best-selling book?! Hello, life work accomplished!
Not true for 90% of Americans: “They have pretty, pastel lives, and they are happy, and they own picnic baskets and napkins and know how to recycle, and they never run out of toilet paper or get their electricity turned off. They never wait until Thursday night to help their kid with the entire week’s homework. They don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last.”
Very true for 90% of Americans: “…I accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing.” Pinterest is fantasy land, that’s why it’s amazing. PTA moms with perfect hair & clothes…they suck at everything else and I feel sorry for their children.
Perspective. You rock. You’re real. Keep at it 😉
its funny because I am one of those people every one seems to think has it together (I am by no means preppy and pastel I have purple hair I think normality is realitive)
Its like everyone thinks I have my shit together and I worry all the time what if they find out i dont. That sometimes I forget to pay a bill or buy somethign frivilous that leaves me eating ramen and condiments for the rest of the month. Because frankly retail therapy just makes me feel better.
Everyone is all you dont care what people think and that is so cool. and to a point its true but I get affected by snide whispers and shitty comments as much as anyone else.
This blog and most of your entries they strike a chord with people because we all feel this way we just arent quite as good with words and witty as you are to make a blog about it.
Honestly, this makes me feel shitty to even say it out loud. But you asked for honesty. I feel like I’m too normal to ever be good at being creative. I think that creative people get their creativity from the dark times and because I don’t have many, I’m just someone who flirts with the dark and twisty and is FAKING it. I can generally function as a normal human being – I always feel like I’m two weeks behind, but I can get out of bed every day and my husband and I are generally kind and respectful to each other and we’re generally good at parenting and we make ‘enough’ money (though it never feels like it) and my life is good and blessed and I have wonderful friends. So I’m a total failure at being Dark and Twisty “Enough”. I think I’m a total failure at being enough anything, actually, but I squish that emotion down and feel genrally happy most of the time.
So I think you just about summed it up in one of your next to next to last paragraphs before the PS’s started that you might need to change the way you view success. Once you do this, share with me please. I thought maybe it was just me, but apparently I (we) aren’t alone.
I think you’re being a little too hard on yourself. I only know you from here and technically that means I don’t know you at all. But trust me, we’re totally close. You would like our friendship. Although, all the dead animals might freak me out a bit but I’m sure I’d come around. Like I was saying though, you are conscience of your role as a human and I think that in order to actually be a great human being / mom / writer / blogger / cooker / teacher / loser like me, you need to constantly believe you aren’t doing enough and there are bigger things out there waiting for you but you’re too lazy to go get them or too dumb to see them right before your eyes.
Right?
So rather than seeing this as not being a “success” at this human thing, look at it as your drive to do MORE. Actually, it makes you more of a superperson to be able to openly talk about your issues, mental or whatever they may be, to drive yourself to do better and inside…maybe this fear isn’t really fear. Maybe you’ve mislabeled that and turned this strength into something that makes more sense.
All in all, I think you’re doing pretty well. If you were truly this failure of a human, you wouldn’t have so many of us nutballs following you around, reading your stuff. It’s good stuff. You’re good at it.
Wow. Sorry so talky.
A successful day for me is one where I get out of bed, put on clothes that match, get my toddler fed and dressed and out the door on time. I rarely feel like I have done anything substantial or life changing in a day. I drop the kid off at daycare, spend 8 ish hours at work doing pretty much the same thing as the day before, pick up the kid, make dinner, clean, and get ready for bed. To me, this day doesn’t seem like too much, but when I see so many other people that are not even able to do this I have to believe that I am doing something right. Even if I think my day is pretty lack lustre, there is one person who appreciates the mundane things I have done, my son. So, all in all, I think very few of us every do anything really amazing or challenging more than a couple days a month. But honestly, just getting out of bed and living life is pretty amazing. Feel satisfaction in the mundane.
Totally with you, Jenny. I try not to think about it too much but, really, what am I doing with my life? Nothing.
It maybe bothers me less, as I get older. But I still wonder whether I have a calling; shouldn’t I be Doing Something? Something Important?
Sinfest has a good take on that http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=3430
Well, dangit, Jenny! You have a blog and columns and a best seller. You make people howl with laughter and you have invented multiple memes that are recognized everywhere I go. If you can be a loser with all that going on, then I’m a dog turd. Not even a giant or somehow interesting one. I can’t even have kids. I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself very often, but I may have to start, because apparently on you scale “successful” I’m just a waste of earth’s resources.
The big problem is, you’re smart. You know there’s oodles of things you could be doing if you just tried harder. Or that’s what those nagging voices say. Look at so-and-so, she’s got her shit together, gets the kids to school on time, does the PTA, looks great all the time and she’s great at her job. If I just got my act together, I could be that good.
But, you forget that at home, she’s got a whole room filled with crap they just shut the door on, her husband is a shit, her kids are on snotty and talk back, the dog had an anxiety disorder, she drinks way too much wine, hates everyone of the people she works with and she’s thinking ‘god, I wish I could just let all this go and enjoy myself’.
All that said, it’s easy to know this, but very had to not think you’re failing to fulfil some nebulous potential that you ought to be measuring up to. I know, I do exactly the same. I think we need to come up with a new set of rules to measure ourselves against. Forgetting being shiny PTA clones who hate themselves, let’s measure ourselves by a more sensible set of ‘rules’. Did I laugh, I mean really laugh today? Did I make someone else laugh? Did I play with the cat?
Trust me, you’re not alone. But many probably have already said that above me. I have two young children, so my main goal in this season of my life is to just spend time with them. They are my focus. Not the cleanliness of the house, not work, not my sanity. Ok, my sanity deserves a little break from them from time to time. But I probably only feel like I’m a rockstar 3 or 4 days of the month like you. I am usually the one in sweat shorts or yoga pants at the grocery (to my husband’s dismay), with bags under her eyes daily because I just.can’t.seem.to.sleep, and I could go on. I think in today’s society/world, pinterest and social media are huge, and people paint pictures of themselves different from what their reality is. To show their good side, not their bad side. I try to acknowledge that fact and thus feel less shitty of myself when I do 🙂
I feel like you. And I know you don’t want advice or suggestions or blah blah blah “just decide to be happy!!!!” bullshit – but two things have made a difference for me — internal family systems therapy (a/k/a soul retrieval – talk to the monsters in your head who hate your fucking guts and try to sabotage you all the time) and watching this video on upworthy right now about basically the same thing from a woman who was diagnosed with schizophrenia and has healed herself by making friends with the voices.
http://www.upworthy.com/what-s-schizophrenia-like-a-woman-who-hears-voices-explains-it-beautifully-2?g=2&c=ufb1
The message is that we can heal ourselves. We are never too broken.
Also I am wearing pants right now, at my job, with a big stain on them. I knew it was there when I put them on and I didn’t care.
Wow, you just described my life, except for the mental illness and depression — I don’t have any excuse for being such a boring, unsuccessful person. Especially right now, when I’m counting the days till my doctor can do back surgery to relieve at least some of the pain that makes me almost incapable of doing anything. I’ve never felt successful more than a couple of days a month, even when I was accomplishing things; right now I’m not even doing that. I’ve just learned to fake it very, very well.
There are still an awful lot of days when I just crawl in bed with my Kindle and read and knit (at least that’s *one* useful thing I can do, keeping my husband and myself in handknit socks), and wish I’d made different decisions in my life. I was able to stop drinking at a young age, which is the only reason I’m even alive today, and I know that’s a Good Thing I did. But even there, I haven’t really done anything with it; I just stay sober one day at a time. It doesn’t take much for me to flip over the line from feeling at least functional to feeling like my life has been a total failure. Without being depressed about it, just knowing that I’m not getting a damn thing done. If anything, I suffer from an excess of procrastination, and have my whole life.
I appreciate you SO MUCH because you’re not always shiny pretty happy organized perfect like all too many people pretend to be in public. (Or, worse yet, really are.) You’re human, like me, and you mess up a lot of stuff, and you doubt yourself, and you show that it’s possible to be a good and admirable person without being shiny pretty happy organized perfect. You’ve just admittted what 99%** of people aren’t willing to admit publicly, and in my all-too-humble opinion, that makes how you’re dealing with your life perfectly normal. Don’t beat yourself up any more than you already do, you’re doing just fine!
**A statistic pulled out of my ass
“And did I pass?” The face of the old woman on my right was unreadable in the gathering dusk. On my left the younger woman said, “You don’t pass or fail at a being a person, dear.”
? Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane
I’m actually going to be reading the comments, too, for ideas. This post helped me feel less alienated. I feel very similar, myself – only one or two days a week or so do I ever feel GOOD about myself and/or my accomplishments. I thought I was very very alone, and I don’t want to tell my psych about it because it would just mean another rabbit-hole of anti-depressants I can’t afford right now. Anything I do manage to accomplish, when people are like “Wow, you did a great job!” or “You did that so fast!” or “You’re really good at that!” I feel like they’re seeing a lie, they’re seeing a success where there’s nothing but failure and the occasional, accidental thing done right. Right-ish, even. I never feel like I’ve done my best once I’m done, even tho while I was doing something it felt like I was slaving at it.
So while thinking about all this makes me want to cry, I can’t tell you how glad I am to know I’m not alone in feeling this way. I have depression and anxiety disorder [with panic attacks]. Some days, it seems like that’s who I AM, not what I HAVE. And I have no clue about how to make it better.
Here’s what I try, tho:
I try to make myself feel better and more accomplished by caring for other people (esp people I love). I try to make them smile. To make them happy. To give them something they want, whether it’s an item or a hug or a compliment or help with something. I try to enrich their lives as much as I’m able, because their happiness is a positive result I can see for my hard work.
That’s all I can think of with regard to what I do that helps me actually feel better. Sometimes. A bit.
Know yer loved and that yer posts [and book] have brightened my day many times and – more than that – have helped me KNOW I’m not fighting this battle against my brain by myself. Yer candor has helped me and I have no doubt it has helped others.
Oo! this post got me right in the feels!
I deal with depression too, and feeling Wonder Womanish 3-4 days a month sounds about right for me. I don’t know if it’s a recent trend that we feel pressured to have perfect hair and polished floors and kids in designer kicks or what. Whatever it is, it’s annoying as shit.
I used to feel worse than I do, but then I ran across something that talked about the forgotten power of dormancy. Basically, nothing can produce all year round. Peach trees don’t make peaches all year round, there’s a season for it. That’s why it’s always been a bummer not to have real peaches in Winter, ya know?
The thing is, I think that applies to people too. I would hate to have to be productive every damn day of my existence. If I wanna stay in my pajamas and eat pizza and marathon stream “Vicar of Dibley” on Netflix then damnit, I’m gonna do it. And then, when it’s book season, I’ll make books.
Basically: Fuck yeah, Dormancy!
You described it beautifully….days and days of just barely existing. My friends are teaching college classes and writing fucking books and I’m feeling pretty damn good if I shower every other day. I try to remind myself that staying home with my son right now is very important but it is just so hard some days. My sister gives wise advice: Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides. I cling to this some days. I’m doing the best that I can. Even if the best looks like staying in our pajamas and eating cereal all day.
I’m trying to learn not to judge myself based on how others *appear* to be. They are just as fucked up as I am. They only show the happy, shiny parts (or maybe I only see the happy, shiny parts). It’s a game that we all lose. Facebook plays a lot into this for me. I’ve started weaning myself off of Facebook because you never know the real story, just the happy, shiny parts.
I feel like I have a total of 3-4 kick-ass days a month, but when I step back and look at it, I have several times of having minutes or hours of kick-ass. Like the fact that dinner was ready on time last night, but the rest of the day was spent spinning my wheels.
Ultimately, we all have happy, shiny parts and we all have suck-the-life-out-of-anyone-who-comes-near parts. Most people aren’t as honest about sharing the dark stuff because we don’t want to burden others or we are too ashamed or we can’t stand the thought of others judging us. But ultimately, who can judge us any more harshly than we do already?
Or something like that…….
XOXOX
Danielle C., my house is a complete mess as well ( not kidding; I think I’m just one step away from “hoarding”)!
Anyway, Jenny – I think our society pressures us too much to be superhuman. Job, kids, family, housekeeping – we’re all supposed to be perfect at everything at once, and while maybe some people can be, MOST of us cannot! Thankfully, I realized early in life that I did not want children and so escaped the pressure to do something I so was not meant for, but still felt way too much stress to be perfect in other areas of my life. My SIL does more before 8 AM than I can manage all day ( I don’t even get up that early most days!). When I listen to her telling me the tons of things she accomplished that day before she even went to her job, it’s hard not to compare and think of myself as a failure. I never thought I had mental illness – I always figured I was just lazy. I discovered that I am far from lazy – I can work very hard, just not the same way or at the same things as other people. Like someone else here said – fuck them! You do what YOU can manage to do to be content with yourself. I love reading your blog – you see things the way I never could – sometimes I think “mental illness” is just a term for unusually high intelligence and the rest of us don’t know how to adjust to it. Good luck to you!
I think everyone feels the same way. At least I do. I remember being told once when I was younger to “Fake it til You make it.” Only I feel like I’m stuck in the Fake it mode and if anyone knew the real me it would be a horrid horrid day.
It’s definitely not just you. I have issues like that ALL the time. It doesn’t help, either, being a single mom and I was just diagnosed with ADHD and I’m going to college and working part-time. There just aren’t enough hours in the day. When I do finally remember things I was supposed to do I get stressed out some but over the years I’ve just developed the thing of knowing that it can’t be helped at the moment so there’s no point dwelling on it. It was difficult at first to handle things like that but I’ve been doing it so long now that it comes a lot easier. Still, though, it doesn’t stop me from wanting to break down in the car on the commute home because I’ve suddenly realized that everyone I went to school with is now out of college with their degrees (if they went) and most are married and have kids and a nice car and decent places to live and aren’t struggling to pull ahead or even pull up even with everyone else.
I have a single mom friend who doesn’t work and gets child support and a disability check each month and she’s doing wonderfully! She doesn’t have debt, she has great credit, her house is always clean, she’s an awesome parent, and she looks great! Then there’s me who is living with my mother and her husband and I can’t for the life of me keep my stuff picked up and in their proper places, I have money and time management issues galore and all. Though I don’t have debt but only because I’ve been too scared to get a credit card or anything like that. But still, I have more support than my friend in terms of family and all and yet she does so much better and I’m just left wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
Though, being diagnosed with ADHD and my doctor telling me that most of my problems stem from that has lifted a fairly large weight off me because now I no longer blame myself for every single little thing (like forgetfulness, time management, and impulse control). Course, my mother doesn’t help me by reminding me of all the things I’ve done wrong from time to time.
And just remember, we all put on fronts when we can. No one’s life if perfect. Behind all those pretty little things you see of others could very well lie some not so pleasant issues they’re dealing with as well. I get it, though, not feeling like you’ve done much and that everyone else seems to have their shit together, but at least you know about it and aren’t in denial. Also, your child will grow up knowing these issues you have and while they may not understand in their youth, when they get older they’ll get it and it’ll be alright.
I think this is how being human is defined. I think if we weren’t questioning our ability to do more in life, it would mean that we had given up.
I would say that I too have a few days to a week each month where I feel successful. And on those days, I often question if I deserve it.
In recent times, I seem to have less and less “good days.”
As a recent graduate from college, and age 34, I work two jobs to survive…and to pay back student loans. I am single, and have no children. Last month my sister, 8 years younger married the father of her two children. My brother, 9 years younger, is getting married in 5 weeks in Florida–2,000 miles away. He informed his soon to be mother-in-law that his oldest sister would not be able to attend because she “doesn’t like to travel.” A lie. Really, it is because I can’t afford to take the time off work to go. And the kicker is–he is paying for both my mother and sister to fly down! This conversation happened this past weekend, when I was feeling particularly ok, having had 2 days off from both jobs. Now I am embarrassed for any success I had earlier felt for getting a job in my field, and for being a hard worker. It’s never enough. When will I ever be enough?
You are not alone.
I feel like I’m good at life about half the time. But even that doesn’t feel good enough for me sometimes. I’m a freelance writer, and some days I get to the end of the workday and wonder if I actually accomplished anything meaningful, and it bums me out when the answer is “no.” We’re all a work in progress.
Right there with you. I feel like that ALL the time. But, I do think that all those pretty pastel people at the PTA meetings feel exactly the same way. They are just better at being pretty. Not better in general. 🙂
This may not happen to me as often as you, but I definitely have days where I feel worthless. The problem for me is that it comes in waves, and when I have one crappy day, it seems to make it harder to be less useless the next day. What works best for me is making to do lists filled with insignificant things, like eat dinner, take a shower, play with the dog, and some productive things a la go to the bank, and then I celebrate getting those things done (even if my husband was the one to go to the bank, I totally take to do list credit).
Jenny!! Its not just a mental illness thing, its a human thing. And I think its more a woman human thing cause we freaking worry about everything!
I lay in bed most nights and go through the “I should haves” or the “I shouldn’t haves” of the day and if I’m being honest there may only be a few days each month that I can just go to sleep without the re-assessment. I tried to be THAT PTA mom, but life is grinding even more when you have all the parents looking to you for everything. Also we didn’t judge the parents who couldn’t volunteer ( just the ones who didn’t feed or wash their kids but once a month! Wish I was kidding here.) But we loved the parents who admitted they didn’t have the time or energy to volunteer and still supported us the best they could!! Not everyone is cut out for being a PTA mom, they are the ones we count on to send in a bag of candy when its needed 😉
AND…Your daughter is AMAZING from what little I know of her! Which means she has either great genetics or great parents, possibly both 😉 She sounds like a creative, individual thinker with a backwoods survivor kind of attitude, but we all know where she gets that from.
YANA!
P.S. Homework is stupid if it doesn’t involve free choice learning.
I feel ya and feel for you Jenny. I also have my own mental health demons to deal with. (Depression and anxiety). Like you, medication helps to take the edge off but doesn’t really solve the problem. Each day is a battle, which hopefully one day will end, until then I more or less live one day at a time. Over the years I’ve developed little tricks for myself to get through the day. The most important one – having a shower. If I can get up in the morning and make myself shower then I know I’m one step closer to making it a good day. To most this may sound ridiculous but I’ve realized that I am not like the average person. I know what works for me and there is no room in the equation for what others think when it comes to my own personal mental health.
Focusing short term has also helped me immensely, as well as routine. Giving myself small, short term, easy to complete goals, like showering, allow me to feel like I’m accomplishing something and therefore I feel a bit better about myself. I surround myself with positive and understanding people. I constantly try to help and support others as much as possible which I find very therapeutic for my mood.
I’m not sure any of this is helpful to you, but please just know, you’re not alone. I feel your struggle and I live it.
Love and hugs to you my friend! xxxx
Why don’t you just give yourself permission to be exactly who you are, and exactly who you are not?
I mean.. at the heart heart of being human is our tendency to want to hide our most vulnerable selves- the parts that ask “am i enough”? self-doubts, self recrimination, and shame are all part of the journey toward self acceptance, and no one is going to ever be able to tell you that you are enough except you. I think you do a remarkable job, even if the real truth is that you think you could do better , or more, or ( and the list never really ends) … you know?
Dear Jenny,
As a clinical, counseling, and depth psychologist, I have to adamantly disagree with the amount of psychopathology you claim to “have”. I’m not sure which “doctor” or psychotherapist told you that you have (more than one????) personality disorder, nor am I sure that you technically qualify for the anxiety/mood disorders that I see mentioned often in your writings.
Either get a spiritual teacher/better psychotherapist/better psychologist or live with the knowledge forevermore that those labels are just that–labels–and they do not, from a professional stance, appear to match what is manifest to the world.
Genius takes time and effort. Einstein was even sucky at math, it was his wife that was the mathematician. Why I am telling you this now is not to encourage you to come to me for support (although, of course, I would be happy to talk with you) but more to say to be careful about over-pathologizing yourself.
It is normal–shocker–NORMAL–repeat, NORMAL to have frequent changes in emotion and energy, and very normal to not want or feel called to conform to the PTA standard role, among others. This actually signals a higher psychological development than most.
What you consider crazy is actually the most sane thing I have heard all week.
Seriously.
Best,
Aja
Becky B had a very good post earlier.
Try to figure out what matters to YOU and then accomplish that. That goal might simply be to have a good life in spite of depression. Then every time you feel like you haven’t accomplished something, look at your goal and remember that you DID accomplish something, and that something was a thing that matters to you and to your goal/choice/way of life.
I have plenty of days when just getting out of bed and dragging myself to work feels like a massive accomplishment. Days when the thought of doing any sort of household chore literally makes me want to cry. Days when I wonder what the point is in taking a shower or making the bed or cleaning up because I’ll just have to do it all over again tomorrow. And those days are hard; really really hard. What helps me is knowing that usually the first step is the hardest, and after that the momentum can help carry me through. If I can make myself get in the car, I can make myself go to the grocery. If I can walk to the sink, I can do the dishes that have been sitting there for days. And if I can’t, then I have to tell myself that it’s ok, I can do it tomorrow. At least I made it through today.
Self-forgiveness is honestly the biggest struggle I have had in life. Like you, I also have a myriad of mental “issues” and a chemical imbalance that means that even when I’m totally on top of my game, I’m never completely in control. I flog myself constantly even though I get good feedback at work, I have a happy home and family, I have a cat and a partner I adore to pieces (in that order), and I have a ton of friends that write to me when I’ve done something to enrich their lives. Then one day, I, say, relax on the housework and next thing I know the place is filthy and I’m filthy and everyone else dresses better and I’m a slacker at work and no one calls me because I’m awkward and why am I still bothering because I’m horrible.
What you’ve done here is the exact thing that I’ll never have the bravery to do. This isn’t meant as a gushing compliment, but a fact: you opened yourself up to others and let them in. I pretend I have everything together because of the rare moments when someone I care about has witnessed me having a meltdown. That’s all these PTA moms are doing: pretending they don’t have insecurity. My daily life with my partner comes with the fear that he will see me having a panic attack over something that, to him, doesn’t ultimately matter, and losing face to him. I am constantly at war with trying to “stay together” versus just enjoying life. I also ask “what else could I be doing or accomplishing?”, “why haven’t I done that thing I’m passionate about yet?”, etc. I’m sure it’ll get worse when I breed and the worry that comes from raising perfect kids.
You have to learn to settle and forgive yourself. I say that factually, not advice-ly. No matter how much external feedback you get, if you aren’t able to stop that self-loathing asshole from rearing her ugly head, or to talk yourself out of half a bottle of wine and a Xanax whenever she bites down on your tit, if you aren’t doing it from within. This is what your CBT will help with (and DBT is even better at it). Unfortunately, for those of us that have to be “self aware” because of our mental issues, things like “mindfulness” can bite us in the ass because we also know how often we fail. Gives her a lot of fodder. Just keep trying. Just keep telling her to shut the eff up and go back to her miserable corner.
I’m still working on sending her on permanent vacation, and I’m not sure it’ll ever be perfect, but just keep working at it. YOU’RE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES, and you do it so artfully compared to most people! Get back to the root of what makes you feel like a good person. Mine is if I can look at myself in the mirror most days and know I’m trying to be a good person, if my cat and partner are fed (in that order), and if my bills get paid on time. Seems simple, because anything more complex leads to nuances, and nuances lead to suffering, or whatever Yoda said. Keep swimming, Jenny.
You are not alone. I could have written that blog. I too feel like everyone else’s daily life is with filled with happiness, smiles and perfection – while I sometimes wonder how I make it through a day. But deep down I know that EVERYONE has crap going on in their lives, and we have no idea what goes on behind the closed doors of our neighbors. Remember most people only share the good things with us on FB and twitter, but they too have days where not getting out of be seems like the best option for the day.
Motherhood, personhood, life in general, should not and is not a competition. Just remember that. You do you and you will do the best you can.
Oh, I was supposed to give numbers:
Work Marianne: 4 days a week…at least
Mom Marianne: 3 days a month?
Home Marianne: Zero.
Body-image Marianne: Zero.
Wife Marianne: Once a week?
I honestly feel like I suck 99% of the time. People tell me I don’t, but I know they’re just being nice. Right? I make cakes. Really good ones. That I think suck. I am pretty sure I’ve fucked my oldest kid up beyond repair. The other 3 won’t take long. My husband just left me after 15 years and with the parting line of, you sat on your ass for 15 years doing nothing, I don’t love you, want to see you, your friends or your family ever again. Not sure if he really means that or if he’s just reacting to my psycho-ness he also claims I need to ‘get fixed’. Just found out I have anxiety, have had a fucked up life and now I am fucking up my kids lives.
You are not alone. My councilor says 15 years ago we didn’t have names for a lot of the shit we have now, adults are discovering they aren’t picky, or eccentric or arsonistic (love that btw) they are legit dealing with real things just being discovered. I think it’s great that you are able to have 3-4 days a month, maybe in a few months it’ll be 5-6, and then 7-8 and then maybe you’ll be rocking the shit out of life before you know it, because you have a desire to be better and to do better for yourself. We have to feed ourselves in order to feed others (Not my words, my councilor is a smart lady) Hang in there and keep having those 3-4 days, cause it’s better than nothing.
What makes you think we DON’T have piles of dusty boxes in the corner?
I spend most of my time thinking I’m a total failure at everything I do, yet people tell me I *am* one of the shiny got-it-together folk. I think it’s a normal part of being an adult.
Ok I haven’t read all the replies but I see there a lot of us in this boat (maybe we should build an ark!).
Fuck anonymity – this is ME talking (ok, typing, but you get it).
There are very few days that I feel like I have kicked ass. If I had to put a number to it, I’d say 3 a month, so I guess 10% isn’t that bad. Hell, I count a day as a win if I don’t get my ass kicked – metaphorically. I procrastinate because my day often simply seems too big to navigate so I just go through the motions, hoping to sneak through another day without being called out as a failure. I resolve to get things done but at best usually only get them started. I yell at my kids and end up feeling like a total asshole because I did that. (As I write this, my 17-year-old son won’t speak to me because of how badly I hurt him with my words, and I’m abjectly ashamed of that.) And when I hurt someone emotionally – never physically – is when I feel absolutely the worst. Like I shouldn’t even be allowed out with civilized people because I’m obviously a total failure at personal interaction. Did I mention that I still have some anger management issues? Yeah. That, too.
I’m not sure I ever feel successful, but there are days that I don’t feel like a failure. And one of the things that keeps me lurching on down the road and trying all over again is knowing that I have a lot of folks out there who think I’m pretty special and maybe even love me. That tells me that I’m not a total fuck-up because those people don’t think so and actively tell me so. Since there are more of them than there are of me, I have to believe them. I also logically realize that from the outside I don’t look or act like the loser/slacker I often feel like I am on the inside, but logic is often not at the table when emotional decisions are reached.
So, yeah – you’re not alone. You never have been. None of us truly are. And that’s one of the other things I try to remember: we’re all in this together.
Not just you. I don’t think I can count days – I count moments rather where I feel kick ass and winning at this thing called life. But these moments are really small – paying bills on time for once this year, growing an actual vegetable, finding a matching pair of socks, etc. I am never going to be a PTA mom, my biggest accomplishment is making sure that the kiddo has brushed her teeth – and picnics really do suck and there are just too many bugs to battle trying to eat on the ground.
But when I take those moments, and string them together – (even thought they are probably not an entire day worth of moments some months) – sometimes my perspective shifts – and frankly, I would take a lot of these awesome moments in lieu of pastel any day.
Oh, thank fucking god.
You are not alone (as evidenced by all these other folks also typing with unwashed hair)
Reading all the comments on my iphone would take forever so forgive me if I repeat things (but then again repitition is super effective super effective super effective so maybe yay instead)
Here’s the thing: the people/situations/ideals we’re comparing ourselves to are very rarely the whole story. When we hear about someone’s success or effectiveness, we are *hearing a story* — a condensed, edited version of one specific thread of someone’s reality. It’s the only possible way to hear things, so it’s cool, but it’s easy to forget that the warts are ‘shopped out in the process, and not even always on purpose, it’s just how it happens because we’re not that person experiencnig the life they’re experiencing.
I resonate super-deeply with this issue right now (with my unashed hair and shoes with remnants of the henhouse all over them and a couple of dishes left from the masses of people who visited and/or stayed over at the farm this weekend) and when I look at the enormous goal and my monumental task lists and compare it with the *story* of anyone I see as being successful in any of the ways I value, or worse yet, with my unwashed hair and that huge-ass bowl that’s such a pain in the ass to wash so it’s just sittng there glaring at me, judging — my first reaction, naturally, is to crumple.
Fortunately, through a will of sheer titanium and enough repitition to bring tears to one’s eyes, my *next* reaction is to choose any of the actions that will bring me back into a place of shit-getting-doneness, or at the very least, a place where shit-getting-done is emotionally and physically feasible.
I’m raising almost a million dollars through crowdfunding — without internet — o save th farm I steward and create a sustainable, art-filled food forest farm that aside from being all kinds of offbeat and awesome has the inherent possibility to revolutionize large parts of the food system.
If I look directly from my goal to the goddamned oversized bowl that doesn’t even fit in the sink, or the number of tasks that *don’t* get crossed off in my day planner but instead are moved to the next day (week) (month) I could weep.
So I do my damnedest not to. I choose, consciously, to look at the things I *have* accomplished, and the ways in which things *can* be done, and I hold tight to the hope that at some point in the near future I’ll have even more help with even more of these tasks than I do now, and I keep going. Or I google baby goats if it gets really bad, and schedule time to go outside and do fucking nothing and mentally recharge
I get more *important* things done now than I did when I got all *kinds* of pointless shit done in any of my “real jobs.” I get more done now than I would get done from a box.
I don’t get as much done as people with a devoted staff, or the ability to upload or download files without a 10-mile each way trek, or the resources to fix their goddamn master cylinder. But that doesn’t matter. I get done what I get done, and focusing on the negative is, for me, one of the slipperiest slopes possible.
Anyhoo. You’re not alone. You’re just experiencing your unedited life.
I feel that way too a lot. I have also learned if I sit and listen to the “shiny people” I find out that they feel the same too, they are just better at hiding it.
Scary thought is… I might be someone’s “shiny person”.
How you feel has nothing to do with depression or mental illness. Everyone feels like this sometimes and some people feel it most of the time. If anyone says they don’t then they are big fat liars. I NEVER have a day where I feel like I kicked ass and got anything accomplished. Although everyone around me thinks I’m Wonder fucking Woman because every now and then I make cheesecake stuffed strawberries (so flippin easy) or sew some doll pillows. Really I have 3 kids with birthdays in the same week (and the same week school starts) that I forgot to buy presents for, a husband I haven’t lived with for 2 years and can’t bother to divorce but who I’m seen with so regularly people often comment on what a great marriage we have, a dress made out of candy that I’m only halfway done with to wear to a fundraiser tomorrow because trying to find something elegant to wear that didn’t make me look fat in pictures was too much effort and so I decided to do something that was guaranteed to make me look fat but would allow me to distract people from that by offering them treats pulled off my skirt. That’s just what’s going on this week. What I have found wipes the slate clean every day and lets me go to bed feeling like I accomplished something is the sound of the dishwasher. I can curl up under the covers and think to myself “Now see, you totally finished something today”. Admittedly the dishwasher is often empty. Or filled with dishes I’ve already washed and was too lazy to empty. But oh that sound. That’s a good end to the day.
I can’t address your depression but I probably have undiagnosed ADD as I flit from one thing to another without accomplishing much of anything. The difference is that I just accept that much will not get done and so be it. Dirty dishes, messy rooms, etc. will be there tomorrow and one day when I feel like it I will take care of it and that will be what I accomplish that day. I have been known to make lists and feel good about crossing things off. Occasionally.
I tend to see tasks as overwhelming so I ignore them. I even don’t work on my miniatures projects although they are what I most enjoy doing. The main thing is that it doesn’t matter much to me in the overall scheme of life. I am a good person and people see me as accomplishing a lot even though it takes me months and sometimes years to accomplish something. But I am still a decent person. I see myself as ugly, lazy, unmotivated and slovenly but no one in this world really cares how I am. And that is fine with me. I can live with that.
It is not just you. I do not suffer from depression, and yet I feel like an utter fraud at work all the time. I am a supervising crime analyst for a large chunk of a large city. Others will tell me how awesome I am, and I feel like sooner or later they will figure out that Oz is just a 50-year old computer geek hiding behind the curtain. I am organized at work because I am unable to be anything but disorganized at home. I haven’t had anyone over in ages, because of the boxes of craft crap everywhere and the clouds of fur shed by the five cats. I want to wave a wand and have all of that stuff either disappear or organize itself so I can find things and USE some of the craft crap. So don’t dispair. We all have days of unwashed hair, no makeup and less ambition.
For me, it’s not as bad, but it still happens. I currently have my dream job, and I often feel like I’m fucking it up, despite my coworkers’ (and bosses’) glowing reviews. Every setback sends me reeling, every success…just seems to evaporate.
So, it’s not just you. It’s a lot of people.
It’s my birthday today, and all I could think of is how over-rated everyone wishing me “happy birthday” really is. They ask me if I have any plans. I don’t. I like to stay at home and device ways and means to get over the sadness and this invisible wall that keeps hitting me so hard that I’m too tired to even make proper conversation with people who love me.
I turned 24. And I’m bored with life in general.
I just finished reading Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman..and she reminds us that doing is more important than being. I will try to focus on the doing from tomorrow. I will focus on doing things that might seem pointless at the moment. Because I’m hoping they will make sense later..at some point. I’m just tired of waiting. And taking the easy route and letting myself be.
Tonight, I read. Reading is the only thing that doesn’t seem pointless at the moment.
Thank you for writing this. ~hugs~
Just said to my husband LAST NIGHT: I fuck up everything. AND we ran out of toilet paper last week. I guess I would rather be genuine than shiny or plastic. You are not alone. Reaching out and being honest, so much power.
Maybe 3-5 days most months? Possibly 6 days if I’m really spot on?
This is SO normal. Earlier today I was with my running group that I walk with and we were all taking turns telling the things that make us feel like failures. My kids eat poptarts for breakfast, clean clothes may not be available daily, I realized my kid had his shirt in backwards after he got home from school… I refuse to join the PTA, I almost never volunteer for class parties, I could keep going, but you get the idea. I combat it by first recognizing everyone does this or is driving themselves to an early grave, and second by pulling out all the super mom stops once in a blue moon. Like your red dress, I put on a mom costume. I do a cool craft project for my kid, make cookies, go on a cleaning jag, put on a dress and look like someone who has it together, that kind of thing. I pretend to have it together. Yes, I feel like a fraud when I get complimented, but I started to realize that everyone is faking the super mom thing, so we are just congratulating each other on pulling it off.
I don’t have any social or mental issues, well not unless you count being an introvert, well none that require medication 🙂
Jenny.
Every day you wake up is a good day.
Oh man how many days do I feel like a successful person? I feel like this question is right along the lines of “what is the meaning of life.” I think I am a successful person during fleeting moments of my day. Very rarely do I come home or go to sleep and utter “damn I won today.” Today I was successful because when I came to work an idea I pushed for was accepted. The rest of the day I stayed afloat which is I suppose success in itself.
Feeling this way doesn’t make you alone. It makes you one of us. Mental illness aside, we all feel this way. I’d like to think quite a few people come to your site feeling like life failures and within moments are enveloped into the Bloggess world of weird and unusual which is right where they belong. You may not see it or feel it, but everyday you make people’s lives successful. Hopefully you can find comfort with that knowledge.
I nearly gave myself a panic attack this morning because I wonder why I’m such a hermit and maybe people just humor me to be nice (but no one really likes me), and I’m selling myself short because I chose not to go into the working world, and even though I’m working every day on my novel I’m really a lazy underachiever. I wonder how much of a loser I really am, the things people really say about me when I’m not around.
Part of it is because I’m working from home, and home happens to be near a commercial area. I see successful people going to and from work and I wonder if the path I’m on now is just a way of avoiding responsibility and becoming a “real” adult. Another part of it is that my parents are smart and successful and I’m really proud of them for what they do in their fields. I wonder if anything will ever come of me, if I’m doomed to mediocrity, if I’m in denial. I wonder if I’ve fallen short on everyone’s expectations of me. I wonder how much longer my family’s patience will last, how long it will be before they lose all confidence and my parents finally admit they’re embarrassed by their divorced daughter who moved in with them nearly a year ago.
It’s incredible that you post this today, because these thoughts were exactly mine, three hours ago. I’m not as deep in them now as I was earlier, but it’s been at the back of my mind as I write this afternoon. Denial is a terrifying thing. I learned just how capable I was of denial from my recently failed relationship… and now I’m scared that I’m in denial about so much more that I don’t even realize. I mean, that’s the point of denial, isn’t it? You don’t know you’re doing it until it all falls apart.
If it makes you feel any better, you introduced me to Amanda Palmer’s “In My Mind” in the last year, and it’s been helpful on more than one occasion, and I thank you for that.
I think we all feel like impostors, especially when we are trying to define success through our creative pursuits. Half the battle is realizing that we really do get to define our own success, that we only get once chance at this, and what we have to give it is enough. I struggle with these 3 things every day. Sometimes I feel anxious and I want nothing more than to hide. But, I’m older now, and I’ve been through a bunch of crap that has made me realize that I don’t want to hide under a blanket anymore. So, I give it what I have to give it and I tell myself that it’s just going to have to be good enough. Every time I start to feel comfortable, somethings throws a monkey wrench into the plan and I have to start all over. I think that’s just life.
I thought 3-4 days was great. Mom of 3 not sure I’m productive, running things the right way, or feeling like I’m not drowning that many days!
I can’t speak for others, but I see a lot of myself in what you write – and I do not have any diagnosed mental illnesses or personality disorders. Most of the time, all we get to see of other people are the public faces they choose to show us. The people who “don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last. They have pretty, pastel lives, and they are happy, and they own picnic baskets and napkins and know how to recycle, and they never run out of toilet paper or get their electricity turned off. ” I have a dear friend who thought I was one of those people, back before she knew me as well as she does now. The point is, EVERYONE has dusty boxes and EVERYONE runs out of toilet paper, either literally or figuratively. Lot’s of other folks have said this, and you won’t believe it anyway – you’ll think we’re all just making it up to make you feel better – but the very best people I know are the ones with the most warts. Warts that they are willing to share. You are one of those people and, although I don’t know you, I feel like I do because you’re so good at sharing your warts. Great, now I have warts. Thanks Jenny.
I am currently in a fleeting spot of somewhat irrational happiness. It’s rare and I’m trying to ride it as long as I can. I’m more frequently in a place of somewhat irrational sadness. Not all the time. No medication, just talk therapy. Feelings are weird and unreliable as markers of reality. So are perceptions, so is everything. I had a neat epiphany the other day. Everything is fine. Even if it isn’t, that’s fine too. Nothing is going to change until it changes. If I am/it is not ready to change, that’s fine. I/it probably will be at some point. Or not. And that’s fine.
Also I went to the art museum and saw that people have been doing their thing, whatever that thing is, for centuries, for millennia. That also helped.
Honestly, i think everybody has this, but some are better at hiding it.
I know a lot of pll who are picture perfect on the outside, but are so so broken on the inside. Always wearing their smiling masks, until it all breaks down.
I never really feel accomplished at anything. I always feel lacking in everything.
Especially now, being unemployed for over a yr and not getting a job because im too old. Ive just turned 32 a week ago. How depressing is that? Im feeling all young and shit and then getting told im too old for a job.*sigh*
So unemployed(not by choice), our house is always a mess, i never feel im really good at something(except my job) and my days are mostly spend on the couch.
And all around me ppl have jobs, perfectly cleaned houses, etc.
But you know what? My life might not seem as interesting, but i am happy.
I have the sweetest husband alive, 3 adorable cats, a 14yrold stepson i can tease, a great family, awesome friends and a lot of books.
I dont have to achieve certain things in life because others think i need to. My goal in life is to lead a happy one, hopefully with good health and being able to help others.
Jobs will come and go, and achievements will to, but happiness is much more important. And noone can define your happiness. Be happy with who you are, and things will fall into place.
It’s not just you!! I don’t have depression (although I do have mild anxiety), and I feel like I’m just trying to get through the day most days. I’m a full-time working mom and my house is constantly a disaster, there are boxes that still haven’t been unpacked after NINE YEARS in our house and I never feel like I can manage to even get caught up, let alone get ahead and accomplish something! I’ve never tried to quantitate the number of days in a month that I feel successful at life, but I’d say at least 80% of my time is just managing to survive and make sure my kid survives, too. And I’d be willing to be that if you looked closely at the “perfect” people at the PTA and on Pinterest, you’d find that they feel the same way, they’re just really good at masking it! I think being a success in life is being a good person overall (and not to arsonistic) and being sure the people that you love know that you love them. Anything more than that is just icing on the cake!
Jennifer, it’s just you.
Honestly. We come here because you give us a mirror to see ourselves and we get to laugh and meet other like-minded folks and just catch our breath before going back out into the battle. One of the things I respect about you is that you own your devils. You don’t abandon your work and disappear for months (years) on end when things are tough. You care about us and reach out. We care about you, so we reach back.
If I had a choice of hanging out with you or the most puke-tastically perfect hostess on the block, I’d push laundry off your couch any day of the week to have a place to sit down.
I’m sorry my virtual friend, but you don’t get an opinion in this one. You are awesome. We have spoken (and trust me, we are a tough crowd, if we didn’t like it here, we would leave.) Now, I’m heading out for a minute, who wants ice cream? If you don’t speak up now, you’re getting Cookies ‘N Cream, because that’s my favorite. Hold my spot on the couch wouldya?
Terri
I usually feel successfully like 3-4 times a year. I kind of screwed something up at work for a client yesterday because I transposed a number, and it caused a payment (that wasn’t supposed to go out) to go out. When my client reached out to me to let me know, I took the full blame for it and she said (and I quote) “you do your job so well it never occurred to me you could make a mistake” and even though it was probably one of the best compliments I could get, it still made me feel like shit.
Biggest loser ever right over here. I’m not clinically depressed by circumstances have laid me low. I can’t get into details but I’ve made some bad choices (that sounds so mild, as if I just ordered the wrong entree and can send it back) that have led me to this pit of despair.
No, not just you. Speaking as someone on good meds for bipolar and I *still* feel this way. But might be worth having your meds checked, sounds like they aren’t doing all they could. Positive vibes your way.
DITTO !!!!
Honestly, I think you would be messed up if you didn’t feel this way. There are times when I look at my life and feel like I am just lucky to have the things I have and the people who love me and that one day someone will show up and say, “This is a mistake. You don’t deserve any of this” and it will all be gone. Objectively I know that I worked hard to accomplish things and foster my relationships, but it all feels so fragile sometimes.
Just know that you love and are loved and none of that is dependent on the PTA. 🙂
My dryer caught fire this morning and started smoking up the house. Both children forgot critical school items and will be pissed at me at when they get home. I made myself be a school Room mom to be better at the whole PTA thing and I’m failing miserably at it. I was supposed to get an accountant 3 months ago so that I don’t screw up this years taxes. Oops! At work I got yelled at by a client and got a mean email from another.
In short – yes. I totally feel like I suck at life and want to just go watch Doctor Who.
You are not alone. I wake up daily wondering why I’m good enough to still be living and go to sleep each night telling god that it’s ok if I don’t wake up. Most of my failures are of my own making, and I know how to fix them but I don’t. Those things that I have no control over still make me feel terrible. I’m supposed to be able to give my mother grandchildren, but my body is adamantly against it. Still, I feel like it’s my fault. I know it’s not, but I feel that way.
It’s why I enjoy escaping into books and shows, especially the awesome Doctor Who. I can pretend to be interesting and important since real life is so ultimately disappointing. But, I digress…
I feel good or maybe even happy occasionally. I don’t have anxiety so I do go to cons and play dress up with other nerds, even though I’m 35. Those days are good. I think if I made a living doing something useful I’d feel better, but I could be wrong. I think your blog helps me and a lot of other people. Feel good about that.
Oh Jenny, what you describe is exactly how I feel much of the time, however, I am not quite as extreme. And the more I feel it, the less motivated I am to change anything. My assumption has always been that this is part of my depression … it is much worse when my depression flares up. But maybe it is some new fucked up mental illness. We could call it Jenny Syndrome!
Definitely not alone. I rarely feel “successful” at life in general. I get maybe 1-2 days a month where I get to the end of the day and say… yeah..I really nailed it today. Most of the time it’s just a litany of shit I didn’t do, and crap I sort of sucked at. It’s definitely a struggle, but you are not alone. 🙂
I think, on average, there are 5 or 6 days a month when I feel like I’m failing life at the end of the day. Most days I guess I would say I’m pretty neutral. There are a handful of days in a year when I feel like I’ve really done well.
I’ve always wanted to write a book and I’ve never gotten further than a few pages, so I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like I’ve done enough.
It’s really hard to be perfect.
Dearest Jenny,
I am one of the shiny people. I have my shit together. Job, house, and kids that mystify me in their amazingness.
I think I have four or five good days a month.
I am not diagnosed with anything, I have occasional intense anxiety, and occasional soul-flattening depression, but not like some people live with.
And I still have four or five good days a month. Days where I felt like I was what people see when they look at me, days where I was kick-ass proud.
So my point is this: there are just not a ton of people out there who can with any reality-based self appraisal acknowledge all the meaningful, positive things we do without it feeling diminished by dusty cereal boxes or late homework or, goddmanit did I kill ANOTHER palm tree on the patio?
Somehow we are perpetually blind in our inner eyes. Don’t know why that is.
But trust sometimes, maybe, that others can see what you can’t.
I will be 40 in March and I feel like an honest-to-goodness adult basically never. Days I feel successful? I don’t even know, a couple a month maybe. Days I feel like I’m sucking at this life thing? Nearly all of them.
When my son has meet-the-teacher nights or parent-teacher conferences I never feel like the parent. I panic like a wild animal around new people and can’t seem to put a string of words together to form a coherent sentence. We moved into our house 11 years ago – there’s still blue painters tape around the door and trim in the front entryway because I never got around to painting it, no pictures on the wall…
I am definitely not good at being a grown-up.
But Yay! You posted a blog, and you do that a lot. That counts as an acheivement.
I reckon every mother feels guilty – it seems to come with the job
But most of the really negative stuff comes from the mental illness which lies to you.
On the other hand (or is it the same hand?) I have boxes of stuff in the attic from three years ago’s move and now I’ve moved again. I don’t usually ‘feel’ successful I just tell myself that stuff is good because logically it is. I just got a new job, I know its because they didn’t realise how shit I am and I was the only one who applied. When they tell me otherwise I try hard to listen and not brush off the compliments. (still praying they won’t see through me too soon). But I guess that’s what I do – I tell myself that the good stuff is true and I try to ignore the inner me sniggering and saying ‘yeah right’ sarcastically.
I hope this doesn’t come out wrong, but the feelings you described are quite possibly the most *normal* thing you’ve ever described on this blog. The people who don’t experience those feelings as they reach a certain stage in adulthood–marriage, kids, home, career–are lying, regardless of how perfect and shiny they look on the outside.
No one lives the fairy tale, although a lot of women feel like we need to make it look as if we do. That’s the tragedy of it. We put this pressure on ourselves.
If life were sparkly every day, we wouldn’t notice it anyway. It’s the good days that stand out and get us through all the other days when life is just being life.
Okay, Jenny, here is the honest to God truth…
I am one of the lucky ones without a mental disorder and I only feel like I truly kicked the day’s ass MAYBE once a week. Maybe.
I am a smiley happy-go-lucky person. And mostly I am. But that doesn’t mean that I do not spend the rest of my day self-doubting every fucking thing I have done or not done.
I used to be worse. I was never happy. I was always comparing myself to someone else’s perfect.
Come to find out, the “perfect” people are fucking liars. Their houses have toys strewn through the living room, the dining room and up the goddamned stairs. Discarded school papers, plastic spoons , animal hair and remote controls are mixed in to the mess. It’s not just at my house. I fucking know it!
The only thing that keeps me from slipping into the crazy with my self-doubt is that when I start to hear the crazy, self deprecating, self-judgement in my head, I try and think, “Hey, at the end of the day, everyone in my family is still BREATHING. I have another day to try and make it better.”
It helps. Sometimes.
P.S. I haven’t written in my blog in OVER A MONTH. I am currently dealing with this chant that is screaming through my head every day that I don’t write a blog post: “Youarebehind. Youmustwrite. Writedammit!Write!WRITE!!!!” I need wine…
People feel like this all the time and they don’t talk about it.
I often feel like I have no idea what I am doing, and somehow I’m supposed to.
I tell myself that “I can do this” even if I don’t believe the words, I say them anyway. I say them until they become real, and today becomes tomorrow and hey look, I’m still here and I’m dealing.
Bravo for talking about this crappy crap.
I am envious you can do the math and come up with an average # of days you feel like you are doing it right. It is so cyclical for me. Months of feeling on track and months of not. Sometimes I feel like an asshole putting the accomplishments of my days before my husband. Like an overeager golden retriever looking for praise because I got the dishes done and showered. Things he would do without a thought. It isn’t easy Jenny but keep on going. Love you.
Maybe try volunteer work, get away from yourself for a bit so to speak. Feel better soon <3
“I just need an honest assessment to see if this is just me (and if I need to just find a way to change, or to increase my meds) or if this is just normal and people just don’t talk about it.” <– Ppl don't talk about it. T is normal within the confines of struggling with depression & anxiety, both of which you say you have. I struggle with these things as well. Being a present mom by watching tv in bed or helping with homework or just loving your kiddo is far more of an accomplishment than being Betty Crocker, having a great Pinterest board, or being on the PTA. Keep plugging along in therapy and bring this post with you to your next appointment.although you may feel it, you're most definitely not alone in feeling this way. ((Hugs)) Ps- It was really, really hard not to give you a shitload of compliments and stuff in this message. 😉
Ok, I will admit I didn’t have time to read all the comments, but I am supposed to be working after all.
Jenny, I think this is obviously much more common than anyone thinks. I also agree with Dave (#22) “It seems we’re all suffering from envy that everyone else’s lives are perfect and wonderful, when the reality is they’re thinking the same thing about us! At our core we’re all a little insecure, some of us feel it more than others but most of us put a confident and happy face on and go about our lives.”
I don’t know if it is helpful to know that I am over 50 and have the same feelings. I happen to also have mastered denial (may be genetic my mom was REAL GOOD at denial) so that is how I treat my depression. My anxiety just gets a good talking to… a reassuring talk that everything is just fine so stop freaking out. Really. Got some $, Kids are fine, bills are paid. Stop freaking out.
Then there is the shiney lives of those you see when you look around. Believe me when I tell you all is not as it appears even if you don’t glaze them over with rose colored glasses. The whole walking a mile in my moccasins. (I recently commented that I wanted to be you, maybe without saying the exact words, but that is what I meant.)
So yes, even though I share what you discribed, when you can manage to look at it in perspective… maybe you haven’t set the world on fire, but then again, you haven’t set the world on fire. Maybe it is the perfectionist in us, maybe being raised to be the best you can be always seems to be a bit of a let down, since I am pretty sure I can almost always do better. It is just so exhausting.
I am embarassed to have people in my home it is in such disarray. not quite a horders episode but..I have my priorities. The dishes can and will wait. So happy I lived with that since the toddlers I started that mantra with are now in their 20’s. I would hate to look back at all the “time” I would have missed spending with them but dang was my kitchen sink clean!
Hang in there sister. I don’t know the answers, heck I am not even real sure about the questions, but there are some very valid reasons to keep going. Victor, (JENNY), Hailey, (JENNY), kitties (JENNY) to name a few….Someone with your ability to write like you do, to make SO MANY (obviously) laugh, You would be very scary sense of humor wise if you were “normal” whatever the hell that is.
I work at a psych hospital and can tell you everyone has issues even those who are helping those with their issues. I also suffer from anxiety and depression and can say your book helped me laugh real laughter for the first time in years. You may want to look into DBT it is a form or therapy to help change thought patterns. What has helped me is to realize those that appear to have it all together just have bigger closets to hide their issues in. We are all messed up. Embarrass your differences know that the world can be unkind but we are the most unkind to ourselves. Sorry if this is ramblie and full of spelling grammatical errors. What I am trying to say is be nice to yourself. Celebrate every accomplishment you do even if it is just getting out of bed each day.
It does get better!!!
If you spend quality time with your kid every day, then you are productive every day. If you get shit done as well, hell, you’re a superstar in my book.
You are so NOT alone. For the record, I own a picnic basket and napkins (which I never use), I know how to recycle, I never run out of toilet paper, and I never get my electricity turned off. And I still feel like a failure because there are other things I’m not good at. I seriously doubt that anyone really has it all together. People are good at different things, but no one is good at everything. I think everyone feels like a failure at some stuff that seems easy for others. Some feel like failures because they can’t write like you do, or they’re not hilarious like you. All those shiny happy PTA moms? Scratch the surface, and you’ll see the tarnish and feelings of inadequacy. You’re great, being good at the things you’re good at. I need to remember that for myself, too. Thanks for the reminder.
I have three children, and that’s the same amount I “accomplish” things. It was the same even when I had one kid. Ill never want to be a PTA mom, cook everyday, go without late bills, or even shave regularly. And I have a Pinterest board related to what to do with my unwashed hair 😉 you are doing just fine 🙂
You know what? I don’t have ADD or anxiety or depression. I’m generally happy. But I feel the same way as you A LOT.
I think if the best thing you can manage in a day is to cuddle in bed with your daughter, you’re way ahead of 90% of the people. Not that comparison matters. But I think our culture has persuaded us that it does.
You are not alone. What you “see” from all those other moms are 99% a show. We all have days where we feel like we haven’t contributed, failed as a parent/friend/employee, etc. even without having a diagnosis of a mental illness. And personally, some days/weeks/months are worse than others.
I find happiness being with my kids because they love me no matter what.
I set a lot of goals and try to do too many things. Most of the time I don’t end up doing what I set out to do and it sucks. It makes me feel bad. That’s a trap I haven’t managed to dig my way out of yet. I can count on one hand the days that I feel like I’ve accomplished what I set out to do most months. I know how you feel.
The shiny happy people don’t exist. I figured that out a few years ago. Everyone has some messed up stuff going on in their lives. Some people have it worse than others, that’s for sure, but some people are just way better at keeping it hidden. We tend to only put the very best parts of ourselves out their online.
I am a mom of 4 (you know, sometimes the drugs JUST DON’T WORK, but they are all blessings). I stay at home, I write and read, and I homeschool the one that’s oldest enough to go to school otherwise.
I feel successful as a human about 7 days a month (yeah, I’m an overachiever, but I don’t have drugs). A whole hellofa lot, I feel like I’m a drowning person just barely keeping afloat, especially when the sweet little arms of all 4 kids are around my neck. I LOVE my kids, people like my cooking, I can write a mean poem or short story, and there’s other stuff I can do – most of the time. But I mostly rely on people to believe that and tell me, because a whole lot, I just don’t feel it. Honestly, lots of days, I go to bed (at least an hour after my husband, because I don’t really feel good enough about myself to argue whether or not to have sex) and the only thing I’ve really done is kept the people around me from dying. Which, yeah, is good, but… hey, I’m with you. You really have found your tribe. We just do not always thrive – mostly not, in fact – but (so far) we have kept ourselves and the ones around us from dying.
No lie.. in less than 2 hours I have a solo painting exhibit I’ve worked a year on. I’m in full panic, drowning in self-loathing and I saw this post. And I know I will go, I will try so fucking hard to look at people talking to me and pray they don’t notice I start to fidget and tremor and back away if they talk too long because I start to panic. As an artist, I throw myself to the lions to be judged. But I want to do my work. So somehow I’ll barely get through it. Point is, getting through a day can be viewed as a successful day. Lower your standards. If I’ve learned anything from the internet it’s that the people I envy and that piss me off because everything seems so easy – are either liars, or lead lives so dull in brains so boring I’d rather be fucked up my way. You are not alone, but I will tell you the same thing people will soon be telling me – you’re too hard on yourself. I mean, really. If you’re not sitting on your ass eating cheetos and popping out babies for extra welfare money – it COUNTS. Revel in the mess you are, as I’m trying to learn how to do myself. Because in normal non-dysfunctional land, the colors aren’t as bright, the jokes aren’t as funny, and there is no magic. I won’t envy that as success.
Honey, you sound perfectly normal to me…but normal is not the same for everybody…Your normal, my normal and everybody else’s normal is different..but the feelings are the same..if they’re your feelings they are real! I am now 66 years old and don’t give a shit if I didn’t clean or dust for a month..( got 1 rule about my dust..don’t write your name in it) As long as my toliet is clean, I’m okay..I spent a whole lot of years worrying about me and what others thought of me..one day I realized the “others” felt the same way..Just lay it out there for the world to see and you will be fine. I think being productive all the time is highly overrated…Be Happy!
You are not alone! I struggle daily to feel like I accomplish anything. I am always treading water. I have bipolar disorder and anxiety. I also am the mother of three boys. I find your blog a breath of fresh air! The honesty, humor and grace give me hope for myself, and remind me to give myself a break. As far as how many days a month I feel good about myself, that is hit or miss but I would say about 2-3.
I was so touched by your open words, see how many people can relate and who you actually helped by speeaking out, that’s amazing. Even without depression and after having overcome an anxiety disorder, I can relate to every one of your words. There were times when my cat looking at me was too much expectation for me to take. You are ill, maybe you could try not to expect anything from yourself and start from there? I’m still kind of catching up, not accomplishing as much as I should or rather would like to. But still, I’m proud of every little thing I do instead of focusing on the things I could have done as well. When you look at them, they include silly stuff like household chores or home improvement, things one can ignore for quite a while without major harm done to anyone. There’s a place and a time for everything and I guess this might just be more me time. I wish I could help you lift the burden you don’t need to feel. Oh, and I know writer’s block, too. Totally normal, I’m afraid. No wonder the burnout grabbed me while I was trying to write my thesis. And it’s still there, every other day. Get better soon, take your time. You are a wonderful lady. The world would be a better place if more people were like you. But I guess it’s no coincidence that people who care and think a lot get to suffer from these illnesses. It’s not always easy to lower the standards you set up for yourself.
You are not alone. I am another one who feels exactly the same. I recognize myself in so much of what you said. The unfinished projects, the constant fear, the feeling of failure, the unfair comparisons to pretty pastel lives, feeling like an impostor, “normal person” things being a huge achievement.
Happily, the number of days where I feel like I am doing ok is increasing. I would estimate that I have perhaps seven days (not necessarily consecutive) every month where I feel like I am doing ok. No, better than ok, I’m doing great! I’m pretty confident that one day, the good days will outnumber the bad. Clearly today is one of the good days. 🙂
I try and remember that we are all making this shit up as we go along.
I have a selection of little notes around my computer with things written on them that I find helpful or inspirational in some way. You might recognize one. I got it from you.
* Currahee!
*There is no right way.
* It’s ok!
* You’re NOT doing it wrong!
* WHOSE RULES?
* FUN!
* Pretend you’re good at it.
* Fake it until you become it!
* Start from where you are.
* There is no “supposed to”!!
* Why not be John Wayne today?
Not just you. I’m an alcoholic, and sometimes it feels like the only thing I’ve managed to do is not drink. Yeah, I know that’s a big deal, but sometimes I think, if that’s all I’m good at, I’m a failure at life.
Oh my God. I know this comment may be lost in the ocean of comments, but I really hope you see it (or maybe it’ll just help me to write it down). I’m that mom that makes you feel bad. My house is always clean, my kid is charming and funny and smart. I sew and I cook and I entertain. I host elaborate parties and I’m on the PTA, I run several 5- & 10-Ks a year. I’m pretty sure everyone who knows me would say I have it all. I can do anything. EXCEPT.
I overdraw our bank account at least twice a month because I can’t get my shit together enough to track expenses or budget. I drink close to a bottle of wine a night. I scramble to get my son’s homework done on time. My house is clean because I’m compulsive, in a bad, make-everyone-insane way. I feel like a failure because I only have one child (after many, many years of fertility treatments and, finally, a successful round of IVF for which we paid cash & can’t afford to do again). I spend an inordinate amount of time obsessing over my weight and my clothes. I feel less-than because I have to work full time (I secretly believe that if I were a hot mom I’d somehow not have to–seems like all the stay-at-home moms I see are super-hot). I take Cymbalta and can’t ever imagine a time that I’ll be able to stop.
The way that I get through it is just by assuming we’re all failing, just differently. I may be 15 lbs overweight and have limp hair, but I can help my kid make a Mario cake from scratch at 7pm on a whim. Yoga mom at drop-off might be thin and have 4 kids, but maybe she can’t have a conversation about books? I hope?
We’ll never be everything that we think should be. Maybe if we were, we’d stop trying and the world would just kind of go gray? That’s how I cope, at least.
I think you might need more meds… On the other hand, all the sparkly shiny shit is just that… shit. Nobody is as perfect as people make themselves out to be on Facebook or at the PTA meetings. Everybody could accomplish more, better, faster, yadda yadda. Maybe it’s just that as I’ve gotten older I’ve lowered my standards. A lot. But really, at the end of the day, or a lifetime, who looks back and says, “My floor was always clean,” or “I unpacked every single fucking box.”? If you take reasonable care of your daughter and don’t kill anyone, you’ve done okay. And okay is good enough.
I don’t know how to really respond to this. I don’t have depression or anxiety. I am a fairly successful person by some objective standards and yet I am not sure I feel successful 3 days a month. On the flip side I don’t feel like a failure except in rare circumstances. As I have gotten older, my goals have become smaller. I no longer try to save the world. I count it as a win when I get 7-8 hours of sleep. I manage to feed myself healthy meals last week, which will hopefully overcome some of the deficits this week. No one in my family died or got sick. I know I have no control over that, but it is still counted as a win. I didn’t become a hermit this week because I went out with friends one lunch. Small goals are what get me through. It took a while to become okay with that.
You are def. not alone. I have always felt like the “fraud” at school. Moms show up in heels and make-up with their teddy bear shaped rice krispy treats and I’m all wearing my comfy Cap. America t-shirt because clothes just don’t “feel right” today and look I brought a box of oreo’s from the Family Dollar. Like one of the previous posters take-out and pizza delivery keep us alive. Which makes me feel even more ashamed because I’m basically a sahm so no excuse. I get around people and feel panicky. Later when I get home I just want to hide in my room under my electric blanket and escape the world. Not until ready your’s and Wil’s blogs did I realize that I might have anxiety issues (just always thought I was a freak) but have not found the courage to see a dr. yet.
I think I feel successful 3 or 4 days a month too but may be in denial. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and writer and don’t feel successful at either one. My idea of perfect would be to lay in bed all day and snuggle the kids watching movies. I don’t ever finish writing because of numerous fears. Right now my house is trashed with clutter and we are heading towards winter so I know seasonal depression will kick in and I will keep making excuses. I am also on of those people that takes feelings internally so always feel “sick” so that keeps me from feeling like I can accomplish anything. Sorry for the “book” but actually do feel better knowing I’m not alone.
Honestly? Maybe once a month, give or take a few hours. It doesn’t help that I suffer from OCD, an inferiority complex, and a sometimes debilitating fear of success. I spent my whole life feeling like I wasn’t passionate about anything, so when I finally realized that my passion was writing, much to criticism of my friends and family, I quit my job to pursue it.
Two years, 100+ rejection letters and one dream humor writing job that ended up going south later, I feel like I’ve let my insecurities sabotage my dreams.
I do know one thing, though. Thanks to my OCD/lack of confidence, I’ve spent a lot of time reading about successful humor writers/creative people in general. And the ones I consider to be the most gifted (yourself included) have admitted to experiencing similar struggles . So, I guess the good news is that even if you feel like you’re in a dark place at times, at least you’re in that place with other equally crazy-ass talented folk.
My husband is artistic (though luckily not arsonistic, though some days I think that would be easier to deal with…) and this is him all the time. Now, let me be clear– anyone who says they rock more than 5 days a month is a liar. Just think of each week, or month, or life, as putting together a puzzle. Some days are edges (the boring building blocks), some days are chaos pieces (where do they go?!), some days are the crucial bits like the eyes of the puppies (those are our 2-5 days a month), and most other days are just fill in the blankers.
The weird thing, if there’s such a thing as being weird, is caring. It’s like looking at that puzzle piece and being sad that there isn’t a full puppy on that particular piece. It’s just a piece. If you asked someone if they were sad that the piece in their hand wasn’t a full puzzle, they’d be confused. Life isn’t a daily tournament… it’s a piece by piece assembly of a big picture. It’s the puzzle that matters. I’m always telling Dave, “Hey, as long as you’re making puppies, everything is fine.”, so that’s what I’m telling you.
As long as you’re making puppies– and you absolutely are– things are alright.
Luckily I’m not the only one posting.
The thing is, I am not depressed, don’t have AD(H)D, aren’t on any meds (or feel I ought to be) and still feel more often than I would like that I am not living enough. All the books that I could read, all the laundry that needs to be folded (or even washed), the shit that needs to be sorted and the cleaning that really needs to be done at the end of the day always seems longer than the actual things I did. When I over-think I tend to do even less (because what is the point of doing when it can never be enough). So I decided to stop judging myself and set goals for a day.
I have two to do lists:
To do: Everyday I clean, wash, tidy-up for 30 minutes, 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening. It doesn’t matter what I do in those 15 minutes, just something I think that one of those perfect mom’s will do during a day. It is important though, to really stop after 15 minutes, overdoing is not a strive, even if other people seem to do it easily.
To fun: a list of things that make me happy. I put on three maybe four things on it.
Small things: drink coffee and have a chocolat biscuit on the side, read a hour while laying in bed, watch a rerun of little house with your daughter.
By marking the lists you see what you did achieve and feel the freedom to do whatever for the rest of the day.
And be fair with yourself: for someone who struggles so much with doing things for 27 days in the month, you do quite a shit-load of work. You perfectionist, you…
How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person?
11 out of 12
What makes you feel the worst?
Stressing about things I can’t control
What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?
Generally talking to someone who can give me a different point of view helps.
I also just watched this pretty awesome ted talk last night about power posing.
The take away was three fold
It lowers your cortisol (the stress hormone)
You can in fact Fake it till you not only make it but Become it!
but most importantly – It encourages you to Wonder Woman pose all you want!
http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html
You do so much for so many people, I hope this helps!
You have what I call “Hollywood Syndrome”. Television and movies have conditioned us to think that life is supposed to be 100% “on” all the time. People can’t live that way, that isn’t normal at all. For instance, soldiers in a war zone will only stand guard for very limited periods of time because, even if their lives are constantly in danger, the human mind is not able to stay 100% alert for long periods of time.
Your 3-4 days of great productivity per month are right for you. The times when you feel like you can’t do anything, is your brain resting up for it’s next big push forward. That takes quite a bit of energy and once you’ve used it up, you need to rest up for the next push through. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Some people will have more energy for this, others less than you have. Just getting from day to day in a routine can consume a lot of energy, so it’s hard to store up the extra needed for new things.
Do what works for you and don’t try to compare. It’s not easy, we all compare ourselves to others and we all are left feeling as if we just don’t measure up. So live your life, enjoy yourself and be happy.
I used to have a t shirt that read “Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult”. People thought I wore it because I thought it was funny. I viewed it as more of a forewarning. I feel accomplished if I get my underwear folded & put away. I struggle with (unmedicated) ADHD and find that I have to even structure my free time or I will be so overwhelmed with ALL THE THINGS that I’ll end up on the sofa watching Netflix all day then be upset because I didn’t accomplish anything. Some days work better than others.
I know you said this wasn’t a funny post, but it did make me laugh. Only because I couldn’t have written these feelings any better myself.
I am a woman in her late thirties who hasn’t been able to have children. Three miscarriages, and a couple of breakdowns later, I have kind of given up. And I am having to find a place in a world that makes me feel like I am less of a woman for being childless.
Most days, like you, I get by. But I do have good days. I find those usually are a combination of knowing exactly what is ahead of me that day, and getting a good nights sleep the night before.
I don’t sleep well, but when I do, I feel like a different person the next day!
So I try and plan out my days ahead, and do whatever I can to try and get some good sleep. The rest of the days? Well I’ve absolutely mastered blaming my anxiety and hormones. 🙂
I love and appreciate everything about you Jenny. Thank you for being the voice of all of us who feel exactly the same way you do.
I honestly didn’t need to read all your post, because you are describing most of us!
You’re just more honest about it.
You’re doing fine. Really. In a transparent, not afraid to admit what so many of us are all feeling/doing way!!
I would guess that I am about to echo the sentiments of many others on here but I can’t bring myself to read many of them because, while it is comforting to know your are not alone, it is also depressing to believe it may be part of the human condition, at least for some.
I look like my mom. In a lot of ways I think I act like her too. But it wasn’t until a conversation we had a couple of years ago that really brought it home for me. She’s brilliant, phenomenally good at what she does and crazy successful. There is only one thing she has done in my memory that shouldn’t be looked on in a neutral light at worst. Most of the time I look back and admire her words, her decisions and her actions. And we had this very conversation about how every moment we wait for someone to realize we’re frauds.
I found myself relating so wholly to the hyperbole and a half post about being a grown up and paying your bills and cleaning and the cycle that goes with it. When I accomplish more than a thing or two during a normal work day, when I get my homework done, when I get my bills paid on time, actually cook dinner or when I go for a run an overwhelming sense of accomplishment comes with it. Because I did something other than crawl under the covers or binge eat Cheetos and brie, jam and crackers when I got home. But most days I feel like a failure. I’m 27, working on my second master’s degree, own my own home, own my own car, have a great job that is fully benefitted and pays well, and have managed to keep a dog alive and happy for nearly a decade. Coming from someone else this would make them successful in my eyes. As far as I’m concerned, I still suck at life.
Just as I am sure there are people out there who have an unjustified “I am awesome” outlook on life. There are good people, who do good things and make positive contributions to society that think that they are failures.
I feel like I have conquered maybe one day a week. And I get compliments about being so organized with my kids and how do I do it all and I know that I have to climb over a mountain of laundry to dig out the shorts that are only sort of dirty for both my kids and myself. And I know that I hide my eating so my family doesn’t know I finished off a bag of Honey Nut Chex Mix today. And I know that my kitchen floor is only cleaned because my mom is coming over and that bitch is picky.
I also know that everybody has something that is f’d up in their lives. And movie stars have a hell of a lot more of those f’d up things than regular old folks like us. They just have people to hide their f’d upness. They must have more crap because the universe has to balance things out. This makes me feel better.
It’s definitely not just you – there are times I feel like the world is divided into two types – the happy shiny people you describe, and then “us”. And you know what? We’re way more interesting! And then I realise that it’s all just an illusion and they’re just better at giving off the “I’ve got a perfect life” image.
In the last eighteen months, in between running two businesses, I’ve taught myself two different hardware description languages simultaneously, I’ve taken over maintainership of a project written in a mixture of the two, I’ve fixed bugs in it that the original author couldn’t find. I’ve designed a printed circuit board, I’ve designed a video output circuit good enough that someone else used it in a commercial project. I’ve redesigned and improved an existing audio output stage. I’ve written software and I’ve written music. And there are *many* days when all of that feels completely hollow and pointless.
I made a decision a few months ago to try and get my act together and make some changes to my life. The first thing I decided to do was take some guitar lessons. Then I thought to myself “You idiot – you’ve just taken up yet another *solitary* pastime”!
One thing I have found helps me a great deal, though, is exercise. If I’m feeling down in the dumps I go for walk on the coast. Being active in the fresh air makes a massive difference to me.
I am a big fan of yours, but have never posted before. Though I can’t empathize with everything your saying, I definitely get the “imposter” feeling. I am a new mother (my baby is a gorgeous and smart 10 month old girl named Lydia, after the most annoying Bennet sister) and am still feel like I am pretending to be a mom. I am a big believer of “fake it till you make it” and I think its been working pretty well.
So is what you’re experiencing “normal”? I think its a matter of degree. I think everyone can relate to what you are saying, unless you feel like it is impacting the things you find important (your relationship to your family or your work).
I am so glad you mentioned TOS (Title of Show)! I love Die Vampire Die. If you haven’t listened to their “Nine People’s Favorite Thing” song, that one helps me too. Be the rice krispy treat!
Oh honey, yes. Some days are better than others, but yes, I am 45 years old with a boy in college and I still don’t feel like a grown-up. I look at other people my age and wonder why they have it so together, and I just seem to be faking it.
Here’s what helps me. Fist I roll up in my duvet and clutch my bear, Ivan, and weep brokenly for about half an hour. (That doesn’t really help much, but it takes the edge off and it’s a good release, plus Ivan is just damn cuddly.) Then I remind myself that none of this is a competition, and my only job is to be a good ME. There’s always going to be someone doing something better than me. But I am one of a kind, and no one is better at being ME than I am. Some days I feel utterly invincible, and some days I hit a shame spiral that lays me low, but as soon as I stop measuring my success against other people, things seem to get better.
Fear and worry immobilize us, and then the brain takes over to tell us terrible lies about our self-worth. Don’t fall for it. Go do something small and useful, like cleaning out the junk drawer or pulling weeds or straightening the bookshelf. I find working intently on something small, alone, in a quiet house, can end with a feeling of satisfaction that is just enough to get me out of the mental bog…. And then cookies.
You know, you’ve done us all good just by sharing this… as you’ve already done sharing your struggles with depression and the rest. Again you’ve given us comfort in knowing that we’re not alone. You are so, so not alone. I’m in a near constant state of this feeling. There are moments when I’m laughing with my kids or I help somebody find something tricky at the library that I feel that I’m Not Messing Up. But most of the time I just look at the rest of the world and CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW THEY’RE DOING IT.
Yoga has been really good for me– gets me moving, gets me recentered, and it’s okay to be “bad” at it because it’s all about what you can do at the time. I always feel a little bit more with it after I’ve been to a yoga class.
A) I feel like I’m drowning ever day. Like I’ll never catch up.
B) There is a kid in my daughter’s class named Arson. ARSON.
I struggle with this EVERY DAY. I have a good job, I make a good salary, I have a wife who (apparently) loves me, and who I love. I have friends who appear to enjoy my company. I’m told that I’m funny, good at what I do, and “nice.”
I have days where I feel like an utter failure, and moments almost every day when I feel that way. I have moments when I feel so full of self-loathing, that suicide seems the better option that carrying on. It’s exhausing, like constantly treading water while holding a teenager on your shoulders.
I have been in therapy for 30 years, the last fifteen with the same person. I feel like things are getting better. I’m more resilient. I can lower my defenses and feel my feelings more. I have moments when I’m very happy (afraid to type that out loud).
So, no: it’s not just you. People struggle, even seemingly successful, well adjusted people. One of the things I love about your blog is that you can just be you, sometimes: that you can sometimes draw the curtain aside a bit and let people see past the humor (which, I will say, makes me pee myself, in a good way). That’s very appealing, that ability to let yourself be seen, and it takes bravery.
gonna go with 10 days of month of above average, 5 of average and 15 of oh dear god I don’t believe in, I am going to die in this apartment in debt, overweight and unloved and never having traveled to Italy. or anywhere really. most important is that you are treating your ailments and saying it out loud. because now we all feel more courageous too. xoxo
It is all about peace inside your heart. Start finding that and the rest will follow
You are certainly not alone…ever…in anything. I’m 37, work a job I greatly dislike for the past 5 years, and spend most of my free time making the art I love with little to no prospect of ever showing it publicly. Most of my creations continue to fill up my apartment while hoping for the off chance that I may someday stumble upon an opportunity to publicly show them, and or sell them. Some of my work gets listed in my etsy shop, where it languishes…or occasionally someone awesome like Jenny Lawson buys a piece and I feel like I’ve actually accomplished something! Most of the time I just make stuff, hoping that it will be part of my artistic legacy rather than more taxidermy clutter that my nephews will eventually have to shovel out of my hoarder house to find my dead body. So, I think that you are not alone…we all waste time fretting over our perceived lack of accomplishments, while largely ignoring our actual accomplishments or belittling them in light of what we think we haven’t done but should have.
I’m lucky if I feel like a useful human being a total of one week out of a month. Mostly I feel like I’m failing at being an adult entirely. I have been faking it since I got out of college and somehow the world hasn’t noticed yet. Eventually, reality will assert itself and the floor will finally fall out from under me. Or that’s how it feels anyway.
But I too have anxiety and depression, and I’m not medicated for any of it. On top of which I work free-lance. In the arts. There is no shiny sit-com model for how this lifestyle is supposed to work, so I really do have to wing it. I don’t have a guide by which to measure my accomplishments besides my own imagination, which is never very kind. The way I get through, aside from the support of my friends and family, is to allow myself to take pride in my littlest accomplishments. Because even the small stuff is meaningful.
I went to the gym twice this week! I cleaned my apartment AND got my oil changed on the same day! I paid my Internet bill on time this month! It’s all about perspective. I fought my depression and left the house when I didn’t have to. I put my OCD to good use and did productive things with it. I faced my money anxieties and wrote a check. In the sight of “the world” maybe this stuff means nothing. But for me, every day is a battle so every positive move is a victory. I still don’t always feel like a productive member of society, or sometimes even like a human. So no, you’re not a failure, and no you’re not alone.
I feel “on top” of things a couple a days a month. Struggling feels just a part of the norm. I’m definitely no PTA mom, I could never emotionally handle it. I’ll send money, I’ll send baked goods, but I’ve never been able to be that kind of mom, instead I’m that chronically depressed, full of social anxiety, geeky mom who’d rather stay at home and do things with only her family, or the very few close friends we have.
So…what you’re trying to say is: you’re normal. I worry about a lot of things I shouldn’t, just like you do. I am lucky that I don’t deal with chronic depression, but I have known what depression feels like. I feel successful maybe half the time, and the rest of the time I ignore the dusty baseboards and the un-used oven and the extra 10 pounds. I figure all those active-PTA-types actually worry about all that too. Now, my definition of successful is whether I really showed up for 8 hours work every day (ok, maybe 6), and if I got to spend some quality time with my family each night (okay, maybe 5 of 7 nights a week). What I mean is, my definition and yours are probably different, but isn’t that the point? We each have to make our lives work for ourselves. And the number one rule should be: STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS. Live your reality the best you can. And yes, I’m lecturing myself too.
I feel like this too, all of the time. And people who care about me are always asking me why I’m not painting, why I’m not writing, on and on and on. They don’t understand how depression dries up that wellspring, and of course, not being/feeling creative just makes the feeling that much worse. I say I have 4-5 successful days a month. Lately, I’ve even been having trouble paying my bills — not because of a lack of funds, but because of the effort it takes to do it in a timely fashion. And my house is a dirty disaster.
Things that have been helping my creativity come back:
Keeping a handwritten journal of everything I’m grateful for. I don’t write in it everyday, but I think about as many things as I can every night before I go to sleep. I’ve made it into a ritual. My OCD likes rituals, so that helps me keep it up, and it helps me to go over the list when I wake up in the middle of the night. I can usually fall back to sleep a lot sooner. It doesn’t always work, but it does enough.
This might be a strange one, but reading the comments on iO9’s posts. They’re so incredibly geeky and silly, even if I don’t get every reference, I feel less alone.
Since I work in social networking for a living and am in that faux-world at least 40 hours a week, I’ve found that going into whatever it is each day, be it Facebook, Pinterest, whatever, as a skeptic helps. I enjoy my friends’ joy, but everyone else I see as a glorious embroiderer. I don’t believe it. Not a lick of it. There’s no such thing as Pastel people. (I also saw that first-hand at my 20 year high school reunion this year .)
I think I’m probably the opposite: I feel like I’m doing pretty OK at life most days. However, I think that’s because I’m kind of… shallow. Like, I don’t dwell much on My Life and What I’m Accomplishing and various other important capitalized things. I live in the present a lot (short attention span!) which is nice because the present is usually mostly OK. My sister spends a lot of time worrying about every possible bad scenario that COULD occur if she does xyz. Being my happy/shallow self, I tend to think more about whether doing xyz seems fun right now (and won’t, like, completely eff up the rest of my life; I am aware of consequences and all that good stuff).
The thing is, because I’m kind of shallow, recognizing that I’m kind of shallow ALSO doesn’t bother me. (I recommend being shallow, is what I think I’m saying here.)
ALSO I know you didn’t ask for people to come here to make you feel better, but I do feel it has to be said: even on days when you think you have not accomplished ANYTHING at all, you should know that You Being You – by which I mean, you having the courage to speak honestly to everyone about your experiences and your feelings – is helping THOUSANDS of people on the internet or who read your book or your tweets etc etc etc. That is incredibly amazing, and I don’t know a lot of people who can say that about themselves. Except Oprah! In conclusion, you = Oprah. (Neat!)
I am just passing time on this earth. I never accomplish anything. I wait daily for my boss to figure out that Im a lazy piece of crap and fire me. My greatest pride and joy is my son who is the one person I know loves me unconditionally. Life sucks for everyone now and then…you just pick up where you left off and try not to neglect the ones who matter. Good lucky honey…dont get so down on yourself. I think you are fantastic!
Sounds pretty familiar, but I too have depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get meds to work for very long and I currently can’t afford therapy due to being out of work. But it’s not just you. I want to get better too. I’m tired of where I am but I’m simultaneously inert. I find that saying “This won’t matter in five years,” “This too shall pass,” and/or “This is just temporary. I *know* it is” provides some relief. As does breathing into my hands when I feel like I’m about to hyperventilate.
You are not alone. I am glad that I’m not the only one who feels this on a regular basis. Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. I feel like a loser most of the time 🙂 I really think the ones who “have it all together” are really just either majorly OCD or have no life! 🙂
I haven’t read any of the comments, so I’m sure someone has already said this, but I totally get it. I struggle with this every day of my goddamn life. Even when I have people tell me I’m awesome or do something well or sell myself short or whatever, it’s like I know the truth and they just don’t know the real me. The me that has the messiest house ever because I’d rather play video games than clean. The me that is capable of having a better job but is scared to apply for something in my ability range because I know there will always be someone more competent/not as lazy as me. The me that is doing the best that I can but still worries it’s just not good enough.
Is part of it that we seek validation from outside? Is it that we see what we’re supposed to be like, what is held up as the standard to which we should hold ourselves and realize there’s no fucking way we can ever, ever do that? I don’t know the answer. I’ve gotten to a place (thanks to, like you, lots of meds and therapy) where I’m satisfied enough to be happy for the most part, but the doubts of whether or not I’m actually doing what I should be doing or can be doing still creep in around the margins. I would say 80% of the time, I feel like a fraud, but I’ve gotten better at accepting that I’m okay with being “a failure.” Sometimes when people say I’m not living up to my potential (which I’ve heard since I was in kindergarten, btw), I almost want to say, “Yeah, no. I’m pretty much doing the most I’m capable of. It just seems like I should be doing more.”
Ugh. Sorry for the long response. This post just really struck a chord with me. The only consolation is knowing that our heroes are flawed too. If you are who you are and still struggle with this crap, it makes me feel like less of a schmo. And makes me see that even if I were “successful” (what does that even mean?!?) the feeling wouldn’t necessarily go away. It may even be more compounded because now to the outside world I would look like I was accomplished, but inside I would still know the truth.
Thank you for sharing. I wish I knew what to say to make it better, but if I knew that, I wouldn’t feel that way either. We’ll just muddle through it together, mmmkay?
I know I’m the eleventy billionth poster and you may not read this far down, but when I read your post I immediately had an image of a gorgeous ceramic bowl appear in my head. It’s not a perfect bowl. It’s shattered and glued back together, and pieces are missing, but you know what? Its cracks are sealed with gold, and in its imperfection and brokenness it is more beautiful than it was when it was “whole.” This art is called kintsuge, and this is how I try to think of myself, and maybe it will work for you, too. No, I am not perfect and unbroken, and I am missing some pieces that others have and don’t even appreciate having. But I am still lovely and worthwhile. Maybe more-so, for my flaws. I have so many.
I have a disease that makes me hurt in so many ways, all the damn time. I also have anxiety and tremendous guilt about not being able to do the things other people can do, like go to a job outside my home. Some days its all I can do to brush my teeth, let alone get dressed. And its really hard to be kind to myself on those days…but I have to keep trying to see that life isn’t just getting dressed or having a clean house or being wildly successful at whatever. Life, for me, is breathing and existing, and being thankful for and caring for those that I love.
I hope you feel better, Jenny. I think you’re a lovely person, especially knowing we fight some of the same demons.
My dear, you are judging yourself on the SO wrong set of standards. Sure, everyone looks, shiny, happy, put together, well adjusted, etc. Because that’s what they want people to see. We are ALL OF US irretrievably disorganized, fucked up, self-involved, sloppy, lazy, you name it. A lot of people are just hiding it instead of being honest about the fact that on any given day just surviving the day is succeeding at it. We are not all going to do grand things with our lives, and shake the earth. You’ve already done a lot more than most of us slobs that follow you on this blog. You have a happy kid, a nice house, a big metal chicken to greet wayward coyotes, a bestselling book, a hugely popular blog, and a man who loves you despite the fact that you are a delightful whack-job. That’s a great big fucking win, and more than most of us will ever get.
I feel the same way. I don’t have any motivation and I am terrified all the time people will see I’m a fraud and am not as shiny as I look like on the outside. I was just thinking this week about trying hypnotherapy to be more productive, but I don’t know if I believe that will work enough for it to be effective. Love you!
Not really sure about how many days a month I feel like a successful human. I think part of the reason is I don’t really fully identify as human? Like, if I thought about the aggregate actions of the people around me, I don’t match up to them really at all? But they don’t particularly match up to my idea of whatever it is I’m trying to be, either, and you’re kind of the ideal version of what I want to be. Right now I’m not doing great, but still better than most, so maybe half and half? But that’s not really toward being a human, it’s toward being a Bloggess/Jenny Lawson/John Green/Hank Green/my mom/my dad.
I feel the worst when it feels like my chest is filled with lead, and I just stop whatever I’m doing and lie on my bed if I have the energy to, or, if I’m alone, just stand in place and do nothing until I have the energy to lie on my bed and/or move on.
To make myself feel more successful, I make checklists of manageable tasks I can complete and do the easiest ones and then check them off, or I buy someone something or do something nice for someone.
So, basically, no, you’re not awesome at being human because humans are supposed to be wired solely for survival and self gain. And I’m pretty sure also for conformity, and I wonder if that’s also just part of the problem for you because even if you were 100% healthy in mind and body, you would not be like everyone else around you. And you’re very okay with that, it seems, in the fun ways. I think you need to focus on being okay with that in the non-fun ways. They contribute to who you are as a person, and they help other people. Even if you’re somehow a fraud, even if you were doing all the wonderful things you do for other people for attention or money or validation, you’ve still made something amazing on here. You planted the seed for this particular community. And you always say it’s us, not you, that deserve the credit for that, and maybe someone else somewhere else some other time would have started something like this, but the point is, for whatever reason, you have created a website and a book and a tribe that makes people feel like they can be whole again, or at least together in their brokenness, and that is something we desperately needed. It is something that those 11 people who’ve emailed you could not have done without. That, to me, is the standard to aim for in whatever type of existence I’m looking for, one that I don’t really categorize as human because humans are, at root, a really cool, really adaptable animal, and animals have thus far not started worldwide movements to empower each other, as far as I know. So, actually, maybe, you’re not as good at being an animal, but you’re really, really good at being a human.
I don’t talk about this much, but my mom was abused by my dad, very quietly. I remember as a child that my mom never went to PTA meetings, never made cupcakes for the class, never went on field trips. She took naps. She stared off into space a lot. She cleaned the house the way platoons advance on hills. She had anxiety attacks so intense she passed out. I knew my dad drank and that we had to leave the house when he came home pissed off and ranting. I didn’t know until I was much older the absolute barrage of shit she put up with from him on a day to day basis. My dad didn’t just take my childhood, he took my mom, he took her ability to be a “person”. You haven’t given in, you haven’t made your daughter afraid of you, you have faced everything life has handed to you and accomplished so much. We are all fucking shit up but having the grace and courage to own up to it and try harder is worth so much more than having a Martha Stewart life (and trust me, those bitches have way worse issues than you or I). Just the fact that you even worry about this tells me you are a better person than most, never mind the proof of your compassion that is evident in your blog.
I rarely feel like I’ve accomplished anything in the course of a day. I may manage to un/load the dishwasher or do a load of laundry, but the rest of the time I feel like I’m a placeholder for a better model. Every lifetime has slopes and valleys, right? Lately, it feels more like a crevasse and I skipped rock climbing classes. Nothing is going the direction that I envisioned, and I know I need to make new plans, create new visions, but it seems like too much work. I know I’m depressed, and I hate the way meds make me feel (and I don’t want to see any more damned doctors this year). I know I’m depressed, and I don’t want to go whine to a counselor.
Jenny, please know that you help so many people with your humor and candor. You touch a lot of lives, mine included. And fortunately, internet hugs are anxiety-free, so — (((H U G S))).
I don’t have the energy to read all the comments, so someone probably already said the same thing I did, but I think you hit the nail on the head by saying it’s how you define success. It entirely depends on what you want out of life. Do you want loving friends and family surrounding you? Done. Do you want a career that makes you happy? Done. Do you want to rescue animals and give them a better chance at a good life? Done. The existential question is, of course, what is the meaning of life? I’ve decided that it is to make yourself as happy as you can without taking away any one else’s chances of being happy themselves. It’s not how well you answer emails, or what time you get out of bed in the morning on weekends. It’s truly looking at your contributions to society and making sure those contributions don’t fuck anyone else over. If they don’t help anyone either, that’s ok. Just don’t fuck anyone else over and you’ve lived a good life. And my guess is that 99% of people you meet only show their good side and if you ever got them drunk on a bottle of wine they’d admit they feel like just as much of a failure as you do.
I feel that I had a good day when I “accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing”.
Then tell myself, well shit, yes you did and that is awesome.
I feel the same way you do. Some months are better than others. Some are fantastic and I feel like I own the world and some are purely 31 days of faking it.
Hey Jenny,
I constantly feel like a fraud. Always. When do I feel like I kicked ass and maybe didn’t screw things up? For a few minutes after a positive thing happens. Then (I wanted to type BOOM, but it’s more of a slow, sinister hissing “Why didn’t you do THIS?”) I slowly sink into meh. It’s never WOE IS ME, I SUCK… it’s always ‘should have been better.’
If I can share something that may help you with the ‘did good’ feeling? – I just got another rejection letter from one of the big publishers, TWO YEARS after submitting my FIRST book to them (I’m writing my third). Your mention of me and that link to my Amazon? Boosted my sales (digital and physical copies) dramatically, and that was awesome, and I sincerely thank you.
I’ll be attaching the Professor’s passenger in the next week. This cryptic message brought to you by the letter Q.
This is how I used to feel every. single. day. For months on end.
Nowadays, it’s more of a 50/50 split, but it isn’t medications that helped me, personally. Two things were really the turning point for me…
First of all, it was a personal essay written by an author who was giving a talk at a local college. I’d been having a difficult time, and I can’t remember the details, but the part that got to me was a part about when he was a kid and couldn’t afford bus fare, they used to hop on the bumper of the bus and hang out for dear life, knowing that they didn’t dare let go, and that life was kind of like that. Some people have tickets and get to ride on the inside where it’s nice and air conditioned and pretty, but some of us just have to grit our teeth, jump on the bumper and hang on for dear life. It’s not pleasant, but that’s life, and the only alternative is to give up and let go, which is no alternative at all. It doesn’t help the person on the bumper to compare their lives to those of the people inside the bus. What’s the point? You might as well get mad at elephants for not climbing trees.
Which in retrospect kind of sounds depressing, but it helped me at the time. Just knowing I wasn’t alone in feeling that way, I think.
Anyhow, the second big turning point came when I was extremely depressed and talking to a friend about how I felt like I was a failure at being a human being. She said, “Misty, you are keeping yourself alive and breathing. You’ve got a job that buys you food so that you can keep breathing. That’s success. Anything more is just icing.”
I think that a lot of my depression in the past has stemmed from being incredibly mean to myself. More mean than I would /ever/ be to another person. I’m slowly but surely learning to accept myself where I am. If all I can manage to do that day is the bare minimum of continuing to breath in and out, so be it. That’s a success, because I did what I needed to do to take care of myself that day. If I can get a lot done because I’m on a high, then hooray! That’s a bonus, and I deserve a freaking medal.
Slowly but surely, I’m managing to eliminate the depression “death spiral” where I start abusing myself for not being “good enough” which creates more depression, which keeps me from getting things done, which makes me hate myself more, which creates more depression, etc.
The weird, kind of ironic thing is that as time goes by, the fewer days I have where the bare minimum that I can do is breathing in and out. There’s something about accepting myself where I am at any moment that lets me take care of myself and recuperate before I reach that point.
I still have bad days. But I have a lot fewer bad days that lead to worse days. And that is a victory, in my book. 🙂
I have read your book and I follow your blog while I am at work (because that is when I need you the most). You have helped myself and my fellow co-workers and my family get through some tough times. We all have bad days and believe me I feel like I could give you a run for your money on some of the things that have happened in my life and I am only 30. Anyway, I feel like sometimes when I read your blog or your book (for the hundredth time), that finally someone wrote a book about the weirdness that I feel like I have sometimes. I just want to say a big THANK YOU and keep it up. Feel proud and remember when your feeling down think of a T-Rex trying to put a fitted sheet on a bed.
I’d say I feel good and like I’m kicking ass 23 hours out of the day, but nearly every day I feel it creeping up on me like I’m really screwing things up. Job stuff, friendship stuff, relationship stuff. It’s shocking to me how clearly I can feel myself getting panicked and feeling down on myself. I think I’m lucky that I can feel it coming on so unambiguously. I think I’d deal with it much less well if it were a slow slide.
The thing that works for me is to do ANYTHING to preempt it. I dance around my apartment. I take a shower and get totally done up even if I have nowhere to go, just to preen in the mirror and flatter myself a little. I call a friend and instead of having them come over, I ask if I can go to their place. It’s much harder for me to be in a bad mood in someone else’s space- with their food and their music and their ridiculous conversations. Once I went over to my friend’s house and spent a couple hours helping her do her laundry because I knew it would be eternally better for me than just sitting at home and letting my mood take me over. Give me a few hours of distraction and I’m usually good- I just need to get snapped out of my own funk- to feel powerful and capable again. It sounds like hanging out with your daughter does this for you.
My only advice would be to just take your time and recognize that you’re still learning about yourself every day. Give yourself time to figure out what works for you- don’t feel like a failure on the days when you can’t stop the mood from coming down- we ALL have those days. I definitely have days where even the most ridiculous fancy dance party with a friend wont stop me from feeling like crap. And when that happens I just go to bed and force myself up in the morning to eat a tasty breakfast and get on with it.
I hope you keep learning about yourself and feeling better with time. Just remember that depression lies- I’ve never heard something so true.
Glad to know it isn’t just me. I think everyone is pretending to have it all together. Facebook and Pinterest don’t help me feel any better, and yet I’m addicted.
I’ve never commented before, but my husband I read your posts together every week. I think it helps him understand my depression. And my Awesome. Plus it’s funny as hell.
It is NOT just you. Depression lies, you taught me that. And it is lying to you daily, it would seem. I have two young kids, and watch two more for a friend. At the end of the day my house is in decent shape (no cleaner or messier than it was at the beginning of the day), everyone has been fed, and no one has any broken bones– and yet I feel like you do most of the time. I see everything I should have been able to do, everything I was just plain unmotivated to do, everything I was scared to do.
Maybe it’s normal. Maybe it’s the brain chemicals. I have to remind myself constantly that people’s FB selves (or Pinterest selves) are like 10% of what’s really happening. At the very best these shiny people aren’t getting any sleep, and at the worst (for their situation, at least) they are using Instagram and FB to focus on the highlights because they are feeling just as stuck as we are.
I think we should start a collective blog for all the unfinished projects, piles of clean laundry that never move, that pan on the counter the past week with the lasagna charcoal stuck on, the store bought valentines, the breakfast from a box…. we all have to pick our battles when it comes to our time/energy… we should have reminders that everyone is in that boat.
This post made me think, and I have questions that I’m also asking myself:
1. How do you define success? Is your definition of success more than *you* really *want* to achieve (versus what you think you should be achieving based on other people)?
2. Why do we have this overwhelming need to be successful? Is it an American thing? Does it always have to be success or failure, or is there an acceptable in-between?
Did I write this?! I feel like so much of my life is spent in survival mode: surviving my job just to survive the rest of the day to fall into an unrestful sleep, because I can’t even do sleep right. But you know what? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US has their own shit. The pastel people? Probably closet oxy users. The perfect party Pintresters? Husband’s into sexing up grapefruits. I feel like the worst thing someone can say to me is that I have it all together. I am pretty outgoing about the fact that I most certainly do not. I am having a lupus/RA flare and just popped open a hemorrhoid. If someone thinks I (ALL CAPS) have it together, then I am just one big giant phony. I try not to beat myself up. Sometimes surviving each day is it’s own reward.
It is not just you. Depression doesn’t help, but even without that there are days where not making things worse is all I can look at as a plus. Having come out of a nearly two year episode a year ago, I know even the most dangerous and frayed ropes can help keep you here and present. Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons take all night to inflate, are in their glory for a few hours and then get pulled out of camera view, get their velcro’d flaps torn open and get the indignity of having goofy guys stick their heads to inhale the helium in while they are deflating into sad piles destined to be warehoused within seconds. And nobody says that it’s not worth it. Life is like that, a few seconds of great, with lots of indignity to make the great sparkle even brighter. Laundry got washed and dried? A gold star day by all means. Laundry AND folding? Call the media.
Motherhood is wonderful, and extremely consuming. Mine was off at camp for two weeks this year for the first time, and it was remarkable what all got done around here. “Did you miss me as much as I missed you?” Um, sure, but I knew you were having fun! I know it goes fast, but the minutiae of care and feeding can suck the will to live from even the most prolific person. Then the loss of that minutiae throws you into another tailspin, and you have to figure it out all over again. Revel in the fact there are people you live with that have monster love for you. My little family is pretty much like yours in its makeup, including a cat that adopted us, whom I grew to love beyond words. I am grateful I was loved by my peeps even when I was convinced they would get along without me just fine. (lies)
If you don’t feel you are measuring up, get a new ruler. Adding positive things into the world counts for a lot. Nobody cares if your hair is clean when they look back, (as long as nothing is permanently living in there.) Reaching out when you might not feel like it counts for even more. All the little ropes keep us from floating away.
It’s not just you.
For me I had to realize that others that I cared about truly were HAPPY about my decisions to completely overhaul my expectations of myself.
My expectation for myself now consist of one thing: I stay alive.
That’s all anyone else expects of me and they are fine with that. The reason is that they know that it’s harder for me to do that than it is for them. The work I do to stay alive has earned their respect.
They want me to do other things and sometimes I can do it, but the only thing they really truly deep down expect is for me to be alive.
If I do anything else, it’s a bonus for me and them, and it makes me realize deep down that the thanks and compliments that I get are actually for accomplishments that really are above and beyond.
When your only expectation of yourself is that you are staying alive through way more badness than other people, including the PTA moms, you get a sense of perspective that you can’t have with different expectations of yourself.
I can speak to the part about judging yourself on the shiny people you see. I do that, too. We all do. Even those who say they don’t, they do. I’ve determined when I see other people living spectacular lives, though, that I will be happy for them and not turn it inward. “I’m happy that this is your fourth vacation this year.” If we’re lucky, we go on one. “I’m happy that you have 3 healthy, smiling kids.” We’re blessed with dogs right now. “Oh, your house is always clean? Wow.” I’m not even going to try, I hate cleaning.
I won’t be resentful because it makes me unhappy and I hate that feeling. So I recognize when I do feel ‘lower than others’ and turn in around to be happy for them and not relate it back to myself. I think many people see other’s successes and turn it inward as if by someone else succeeding at something, that means we are not succeeding. Which is a weird way to think, but we do.
I don’t know how many times of the month I feel like I kicked ass. Maybe 4 or 5 because I’m easy on myself. But all my ducks are scattered and when I try to put them in a row, they bite me, so I don’t try. If they happen to get in a row by themselves, I’m thrilled.
What makes me feel the worst is when I know I have made bad choices. I have no one to blame but myself and I beat myself up about this or that terrible choice.
And to make myself feel more successful, I make a goal or two and reach those goals. So, yes, they are reasonable goals because God forbid I make myself a goal to feel better and then don’t reach it. Also, I run. I like it and if I can get away from stuff and just not think or think it out on my run, then that helps to clear my mind.
Hope this helped.
I have random reality freak outs where I think, “Oh crap! I’m a real person living on the earth. I have a job and kids and a wife.” I know David Byrne feels my pain, and I know Jenny Lawson does, too.
You are certainly not alone in feeling like a fraud and that you are failing at existing. I look at the stack of papers from my daughter’s kindergarten teacher, and I want to bag the whole thing and move off the grid.
The truth is, MOST of us feel like we are failing at being a human being. The rest of us are probably asshats.
I only discovered a couple weeks ago that Imposter Syndrome was a thing. It’s so nice to know you’re not the only one.
Any comment I would make about my personal life would echo most comments already here. So instead I’ll just say: We don’t love you because you’ve got your shit together. We don’t love you because you accomplish stuff. We don’t love you because of the occasional awesome tangible thing you put out there for your adoring anonymous masses. That’s not what this relationship is about. We love you because you are real and you do fun things and you also mess up and you tell us about it, and all those other things you do & say even though the rest of us could never bring ourselves to do or say them. It’s not about the ratio of success feelings to crap feelings. You help us feel not so alone. That’s why we love you, Jenny.
(I am minorly proud for using the word “us,” because I don’t feel quite worthy of including myself among your devoted followers since I’ve only been sporadically keeping up with your posts over the last couple months, even though I “discovered” you more than a year ago. Imposter Syndrome FTW!)
So there’s a name for it… huh.
Almost daily I find myself describing my inner life to people as “pretending to be a responsible adult” or “pretending that I know what I’m doing and that I belong here”, and not being sure why I ended up where I am – that I mostly just got lucky breaks along the way. I have an MA, and I’m a middle manager in a huge organization (and younger than most of my staff by 8-10 years minimum).
But I think I may have finally found the thing I can do that I’ll actually be proud of, and that will feel like real success… if it works. Wish me luck. 🙂
You are not alone, at all. I suck at words…and stuff…so I have no positive words like “keep your chin up,” but if you’re anything like me…words like that go in one ear and out the other. But what I do to try to keep myself sane…is to remind myself that those shiny, happy people only let you see what they want you to see. They don’t post a picture of their junk drawer full of unpaid parking tickets on facebook and everything they “pin” on pinterest is just a bunch of hopes and dreams. Everyone has a secret side to them and most don’t show it for fear of looking like a complete idiot. They may win 500 races, but they’ve lost 501 and not told a soul about them.
I don’t know…sometimes that bullshit up there works, most of the time it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, I just sit on the couch with my dog, who only sees that I love him and remember to feed him, and read. That’s my escape from trying (and failing fucking miserably) to keep my shit together.
I don’t know if this helps. I don’t have any diagnoses. I’ve had some problems with panic attacks and anxiety and sleep problems in the past but they can all be managed with regular exercise (which makes me think they’re not that bad probably, and also thank god because the known side-effects of exercise is mostly sweat, people thinking you’re insufferably perky (which I swear I don’t do it on purpose!) and being sore sometimes, I’m chill with that.)
But what I wanted to say was that even if you’re a “normal”, “well-adjusted” person (whatever that means) you’re not floating on a cloud of constant kick-assery high of off the fumes of your own god damn awesomeness. I mean, it’d be great if that was the normal! No one would need drugs! No wars! Everyone happy!
Most of the time I’m not feeling particularly high or low. Like today: I’ve been home with a cold for a week. I’m mostly bored out of my mind. I ended up making a pie for dinner (easy but time-consuming). I posted a bunch if pictures of that pie on facebook and momentarily basked on feeling awesome and the likes of random people. And now that moment of awesome is over.
I think maybe the difference is that if you’re depressed or [something else that’s wonky and not working like you wish it would] and, y’know, not is that in between my moments of awesome I usually don’t feel anything in particular. Not in that sort of depressed unfeeling, behind-a-glass-wall sort of way. I’m just going on with my day. Doing what I do, or don’t do. I think for me at least being well-adjusted to my life (the responsibilities, amount of stress, work-life balance etc.) gives me the benefit of being on a happy auto-pilot. I feel okay abut stuff. Most of the time neither like shit is fucking awesome or like I’m the worlds biggest fuck-up. I feel like that sometimes, too.
But…
I forget to do things. I mess up. I think my bathroom is probably a hazard zone but I fucking hate cleaning bathrooms. I have bills I should have paid a week ago. Someone important isn’t calling me back and I ought to pester them but I hate phone calls. I’ve only worked two weeks at a new job and I took the second off for sick-leave because cold!flue!something!
But I don’t post my icky bathroom on facebook (unless I discover a new alien lifeform in there, but, y’know…). Facbook is just a commercial where they refuse to show you the interesting bits about people (like the alien in their bathroom).
Anyway, I guess what I wanted to say that the goal you’re shooting for isn’t maybe to feel like you’re constantly ecstatic but more that life in general… is okay. I’m gonna stop rambling now.
In 700+ comments, I don’t expect mine to stand out. However, that won’t stop me from giving my two cents.
You said:
“Part of it is that I judge myself by the shiny, pretty people I see at Parent-Teacher meetings, or on Facebook, or or Pintrest who seem to totally have their shit together and never have unwashed hair. They never wait until Thursday night to help their kid with the entire week’s homework. They don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last. They have pretty, pastel lives, and they are happy, and they own picnic baskets and napkins and know how to recycle, and they never run out of toilet paper or get their electricity turned off. And it’s not even that I want to be one of those people. I fucking hate picnics. If God wanted us to eat on the ground he wouldn’t have invented couches. I just don’t want to feel like a failure because my biggest accomplishment that day was going to the bank”
First, no one is as they appear. Ever hear of the Pistol Annies? Miranda Lambert’s collaboration band with couple of her friends. Beautiful, successful, have-it-all women who sing about inadequacies and facades and all kinds of shit.
Before social media, (I’m OLD here, okay??) we didn’t compare ourselves to the world, only to our little slice of it and realized if the shades were rolled up on everyone else’s windows that one’s drinkin’, one’s smokin’, one’s takin’ pills (thank you Pistol Annies).
I have no experience with mental illnesses of any kind. I’m hopelessly sane in a crazy kind of way. But, to measure oneself against all others is self-defeating and would probably cause anyone anxiety and depression.
It’s easy to say STAHPIT! But, I’m sure it’s easier said than done. Still..STAHPIT! seems apropos here.
I don’t know if you’re wonderful, or a hell-on-wheels evil demon spawn. Only you, and those who love you, are able to speak to that.
What I do know, punkin, is that you’re just like all the rest of us. Fucked up and confused sometimes. Happy and content other times.
Always human, all the time.
Yep, 3 or 4 a month sounds about right.
I often rely upon, “Fake it til you make it”.
But mostly I try to stop assigning success to things I’ve accomplished, and more about how I feel.
Do I feel I made it through the day?
Do I feel happy, or even just content, satisfied, or exhausted?
Did I make a mortal enemy, or did someone get hurt? If not, then I’m good.
Did I think about homicide/suicide? No? Then I’m good.
Will the world keep spinning regardless of what I did or did not do today? Yes? Then I’m good.
If I lay my head down and think, well, today wasn’t my greatest day, but I’m still willing to try again tomorrow. Then I’m good.
I think a lot of people feel like this and I think part of what’s contributing to these feelings is social media. People only post the best about their lives on social media (or they lie) and don’t show the day to day grind that I think most people go through. I can’t say exactly how many days in a month I feel like I kicked ass, but it’s certainly not the majority! I’m a perfectionist and often times I have to force myself to acknowledge that I’ve done the best that I can, and that it’s OK. What makes me feel the worst is when I look to the past and think of all the things I wish I would have done differently…but then I try to remind myself that a lot of great things have happened as a result of where I ended up (my husband, friendships, etc) and that makes me feel better. When I feel like I’m spinning and getting too upset with how bad things seem to be going, I take a day to refocus, take an inventory of my life and decide if there is anything that needs changing or if it’s just my outlook that needs changing; often times I find that I’m trying to take on too much and that I need to scale back. Also, I’ll watch a funny movie or go out with friends, because that always helps 🙂
I only feel successful on one day of the month. It’s usually the day that I get all the payments processed and that takes me three days. I don’t know why this is. I’ve not been diagnosed with anything, but I really can’t focus on my accomplishments because I can only see the things left undone.
It’s not just you.
proof of your following? HUNDREDS OF COMMENTS posted in the time it took me to write mine. HUNDREDS!! No exaggeration.
I catch myself doing this as well – judging my own success on what others *appear* to be able to do in their own lives. The thing is – if you look closely at all of the shiny people, they have just as many (if not more) cracks and bruises. We’re all struggling in this crazy life, some just happen to know how to put on a better face. The longer & harder you cling to that face, though, the deeper the cracks go – that energy used in trying to make everyone think you’re perfect (“you” generalized, not “you” personally) can and should go towards doing positive and productive things for you or little one – whether that’s simply enjoying sitting in the quiet with the little one watching LHotP reruns or making chocolate cake for breakfast. Because seriously, chocolate cake for breakfast = win!
It’s SOOOOO hard sometimes to stop ourselves from the constant barrage of mirror-gazing-picking-apart-every-little-speck….but you have to. Only you can stop your inner thoughts and redirect them to the proper channels. Whenever I get overwhelmed and feel like a complete failure, I stop, pick up something I’m good at (or just hug my little girl), do one thing at a time – or even make a list and portion it out to separate days so I don’t try to do it all at once – because that won’t turn out well either, and enjoy one success at a time. If it’s completely too overwhelming, I drop everything, take little one outside for an adventure & enjoy something simple and beautiful in nature and realize that all of it – that BIG huge mountain of /cringe/ – it’s nothing. The important thing is “this” and “now” and “right here”….we have ourselves – we’re alive, breathing, and awesome…we have a little one who, no matter how big of failures we think we are, they think we’re magical and amazing and SUPERMOM!!! No matter what, you’re beautiful and unique and can do (or not do) whatever you want. 🙂
I’m pretty sure you are in my head right now because I could have written what you just wrote. I struggle with these same feelings daily. I have two or three days a month where I feel like I’m a worthwhile person, like I’ve accomplished something, like I matter. What makes me feel the worst is when I see my kiddo struggling with anxiety. He is the most treasured thing in the universe to me, and I feel like I’m just totally messing him up. My head (mostly) knows it isn’t true – he’s a fantastic, fantastic kid – but my heart worries that happiness in life will elude him as it so often has eluded me. What makes me feel better? Hugs from my boy, crappy pop/rock (Pop Rocks?) songs that encourage me to keep going, baking, reading. I have found that helping others is good for me, too – even if it’s just opening a door for someone or letting someone in my lane during rush hour. Lastly (and then I’ll shut up, I swear), I have voices in my head that help me get through rough days. Not like scary, violent voices – just people my mind has created that help me through situations. Among my favorite are Goth girl (who couldn’t care less about the trivialities of life, is a crazy deep thinker, and dresses much better than I do) and Grandma, who offers words of wisdom and praise and sometimes is just quiet and gives me an imaginary hug. Weird, I know, but it gets me through.
So in short, just know you aren’t alone. At all. Ever.
I actually feel pretty good most of the time. i.e. I’m not depressed. I’m fairly happy.
I do NOT, however, feel like I “have it together.” Like, ever.
Sometimes I wonder how people do it! Feed themselves AND shower AND work AND play with their kids (and cook them something to eat, bathe them, get them to school) AND have time to themselves AND work out AND sleep AND clean AND have sex AND pay bills AND… you get the gist. It’s a fucking lot to do every day (or every week)! I think we all end up going to bed (or staying up all night watching Doctor Who) feeling like failures. I guess, instead of finding fault with myself, I find fault with… life. It’s too much to do! I can’t possibly be expected to do it all.
When I get to know someone who really seems to have it together or seems really outgoing and friendly, I try to ask them if they’re really that way. Y’know, if I know them well enough. And so far 100% of the people I’ve asked are not, deep down. They are all walking masses of anxiety and just waiting for everyone to “find them out” too. Recently: Me: “You’re so friendly and outgoing. Do you FEEL friendly and outgoing?” Them: “Oh GOD no! I I HATE being in social situations. I just talk a lot because I feel so uncomfortable.”
So, no, as I think everyone in these comments are writing: you’re not alone. WE’RE not alone! What you are seeing on Facebook or walking down the street or even acquaintances is just a persona. It’s not the real person.
On my bad days, I like to announce out loud: I’m having difficulty existing today. It makes me feel better. Existing is frakking HARD!
For me: I feel the worst when I start worrying about getting old & that maybe I should have had children after all & I haven’t done anything significant or impressive in 45 years of existence & that I’ve somehow MISSED SOMETHING but I don’t know what. Most of my days are pretty good, but the bad ones come on as a surprise so it’s hard to get perspective until after they’ve fully screwed me over.
What helps me: accepting that the doubt or darkness or the procrastination are part of my “process”. It’s not a fight, but more of a tai chi approach of saying “oh, yeah… shitty” and then letting it slide by me. If I try to fight it, it’s a downward spiral because shitty feeds on more shitty and then it’s a giant shit tornado. So… I try & let it blow by like a lovely summer breeze instead. I help to blow it along with as many deep breaths as I can manage.
Also – and I’m sure you’ve heard this one but it has become a mantra of mine: (Theodore Roosevelt, I think) “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
xo
I also have to say I tend to not pay bills on time. Not because we can’t afford it but because I lose track, get overwhelmed and just can’t deal. I think I’m at a point where it’s either get my shit together or lose complete control of everything.
Jenny, I love your blog. I love your book. This post struck a cord for me. I see this in so many of my friends…and myself. This http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html?m=1 popped up on FB recently, and I thought it helped. Especially the last line. If you can do just one thing each day, maybe it could be to try to be kinder to yourself.
I would say 1 day / week where I feel like I am kicking ass taking names. 2 days/week were I can barely meet minimal life functions. And four days/week where at the end of the day I can say I accomplished one thing and I am generous with that definition: making dinner, clearing off the table, finishing a work task, clipping my toenails – all count the same. When I start to cycle about how much I am failing – I just STOP! and say “what can I do right now?” Sometimes that is clearing a tv show off the DVR. But I clear it off like a boss.
Good DAYS? None. Good hours? About 4-6 a month. I feel content (don’t often get to “happy”) if the kids make it to the end of the day alive, fed, and uninjured. Major impostor syndrome here too, and just starting the process to get help for (likely) depression.
Intellectually I know I should feel better than I do – good job, good kids, good spouse, stable life, and I know I should be proud of my accomplishments, but it’s so much easier to feel the failures, and intellect and feelings just don’t talk to each other for me.
As Neil Gaiman wrote in Ocean at the End of the Lane there are no grownups. We’re all just playing pretend with each other.
Every couple of months I get a comment from a friend saying “Is it just me that can’t get their shit together? Everyone else seems able to cope.”
I constantly struggle with the concept that I am a failure, this week because of a chest infection and asthma I have had to spend large portions of th day in bed with my 4yrold sat next to me watching tv in my iPad. The feeling like I am the worst mom ever fills me.
As for all those moms who seem perfect? As someone who overachieved on her kids costume for Book Day this year I can promise you that they are frantically sewing at 4am going “Why the hell am I doing this! Why did I leave it so long! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.”
We’re all faking it or trying to, some people like me find it harder. The fact that I can take my kid to school, and pick him up and spend time at least talking to him everyday is for me a huge accomplishment. Anything more than that is a bonus in my book. Does that make me a failure? My brain wants to say yes but if I look at it with perspective I’m starting on difficulty level high thanks to my mental illnesses. I should be proud of my accomplishments because they took as much hardworking and determination as learning a new skill or a career or anything like that.
I won’t say you’re not a failure because you won’t believe me, I don’t believe it when people tell me. But I will say that you’re not the only one who feels that way, we’re all failures together…and maybe we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves.
Well I just wrote a comment and it didn’t show up, so I fail at life today.
Basically, 3-4 days a month I’m a rockstar. The other days, not so much. You’re not alone…don’t over-pinterest everything. Many hide behind their posts/pins and their reality is much more like you describe above, not the pretty picture they paint for the world.
This is one of my favorite quotes: “We all walk this earth feeling we are frauds. The trick is to be grateful and hope the caper doesn’t end any time soon.” – David Carr So you are not alone! I also alternate between feeling like a competent human being and absolute failure, and this changes frequently, some days by the hour.
I never really looked at ‘life’ this way before. I don’t suffer from any mental illnesses and I feel the same way about things. I am in a job that I don’t really like much but 15 years ago I started it and now can see I’ve maxed it out. I’m looking for another but if I get a new job I’m sure I’ll feel like a success the day I accept an offer. Then I’d be starting over at something I won’t know how to do a feel like I’m failing.
The thing is I’d say 99% of the people on Pinterest/Facebook are only putting things on there that they WANT people to see and be envious of. EVERYONE is just getting through. You get up, do what you have to do to get things in your day accomplished, go to bed and start over. Maybe some days you do the dishes, maybe you binge-watch you current favorite Netflix show. Either way you made it through a day. If you didn’t do the dishes the world doesn’t crumble. How EXHAUSTING to have a Pinterest life. Even IF someone on there honestly had the life they portrayed there is SOMETHING they don’t have or like. That’s why they are seeking approval by putting it online anyway.
I know you don’t like compliments but I don’t really comment so while I’m here I want to say that you are super funny. You also help me understand my friends who DO struggle with mental illnesses.
Honestly, this is so crazy untrue:
Part of it is that I judge myself by the shiny, pretty people I see at Parent-Teacher meetings, or on Facebook, or or Pintrest who seem to totally have their shit together and never have unwashed hair. They never wait until Thursday night to help their kid with the entire week’s homework. They don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last. They have pretty, pastel lives, and they are happy, and they own picnic baskets and napkins and know how to recycle, and they never run out of toilet paper or get their electricity turned off. And it’s not even that I want to be one of those people. I fucking hate picnics. If God wanted us to eat on the ground he wouldn’t have invented couches. I just don’t want to feel like a failure because my biggest accomplishment that day was going to the bank.
If you think for one second that the people who seem like they have it perfectly together on Pinterest, Facebook or PTA meetings, you are dead wrong. We are all entirely too hard on ourselves. I am not one to talk about how rough things are and how I miss out on school stuff all the time on Facebook. I show my dreamy little happy family who were probably screaming at each other 5 minutes before OR I’ve had a glass of wine and everyone’s sleeping. I pin a ton of crafty things on Pinterest and RARELY go back and do any of them. When I do, it’s always a disaster. I grind my teeth so much because of stress that they are actually cracking and do you know what my daughter’s friends moms say…”I don’t know how you do it all?!” I’ll tell you how I do it all…I DON’T! My house looks clean? Thank you! Please don’t open that closet door or you will die. “You’re family is so lovely! You’re doing a great job.” Maybe but that’s because I have learned to relinquish control. I’m a working mother of two young children with a with a stressful job and a husband who stays home during the day but walks out the door to go to work the second I walk in. I’m up at 4:30 and going until 10. I’m overwhelmed, underpaid and completely worn out. That being said…the internet me is quite lovely! Faces are always clean, we’re always smiling and having fun and my 5 year old (my oldest of my two) is always making me cards saying she loves me. That’s the part I want people to see because it’s the life I wish I could give the girls but that’s not reality! It’s my second life. That’s what I considered it until my husband said “That’s not your second life, that is your life. That’s what the girls will remember.” He is right. They don’t care how awful I am at crafts. I at least attempt it. Comparing myself to other mothers is pointless because there is absolutely no way in hell life is that easy for anyone. I can pull myself together like the rest of them but I am pretty sure they are all falling apart as much as I am and that makes me happy. No one is perfect and being a wife and mother is hard. I think we all need to be a little more honest and stop pretending to be perfect. This is not the 50s. We don’t have to pretend to have the best family on the block and we can all stop judging each other now. We all have dirty hair (dry shampoo will fool anyone), we all wait until Thursday, we all have dusty boxes, we have picnic baskets but they’re also dusty, we all run out of toilet paper (and tooth paste and soap…), we all forget to pay a bill sometimes. Christ…I forget diapers ALL THE TIME!!! When I do feel bad about it, I remind myself that if I set the bar too high then my girls will feel the pressure so the boxes will have to stay and you can all wipe your behinds with paper towels and stop complaining because unlike the baby, you all have a place to poop. Pick your head up and give yourself a break. You’re doing a good job.
Days when I feel like I kick-ass? Maybe once a month. Maybe less. I don’t expect to kick ass. Mostly I just try to be kind to those around me and hope for the best. As far as taking compliments goes, does anyone actually believe a compliment she receives if it doesn’t gel with what’s in her head? I don’t. I say, “Thank you,” but I don’t truly believe them.
PS. I don’t struggle with mental illness that I know of. To me, most days are just normal. I don’t shine or smudge. I just exist with hopefully more good than bad.
Please know that most of the ‘pretty, pastel, PTA parents’ likely have painted on facades, and all their perfect Pinterest crap is yet another attempt to prove ‘hey, look at me and how perfect I am. I recreate classic works of art using Sharpies on napkins for my kids lunches. I cook organic homegrown produce for dinner everynight, and anyone who doesn’t do likewise is an abject failure’. It’s ALL A LOAD OF CRAP. If you love the people in your life with all your heart, AND THEY KNOW IT, you are a success, no matter what else you do or do not do. If my kid knows I would stop a train for them, I don’t think it matters if we have cereal (and Froot Loops at that) for dinner, or if my command to him is ‘forage for dinner, I have a shit of a migraine’. He’ll remember the train stopping part. I’m sorry you have such a challenge – you are a wonderfully witty, unique person, and my life got a bit better when I started reading you and your stories. You bring light to lots of people, even (apparently) in the absence of your own light.
I pretty much always feel like I’m drowning. Not in a “my life sucks so much and I can’t do this anymore” kind of way though. It’s more that I feel like I’m just never doing enough. I am a stay-at-home mom and have 3 boys. Between driving to/from school, baseball practice, play dates, church activities, dr appts, plus taking care of the house, helping with homework, spending quality time with the kids, etc, I feel like I just rarely get it all done. I want to be better. Maybe I’m too hard on myself, but I constantly worry that I’m not doing enough. That I’m not a good enough wife, mother, homemaker. I don’t get on pinterest or facebook a lot these days because it is discouraging to me.
Honestly, though, I think a lot of people that post crap are lying through their teeth. People like to paint a pretty picture online, when in reality life is hard for them too. I don’t believe most of what I read on facebook. People lie to make themselves look good and others feel inferior. And it works on me.
I don’t normally comment here, but I felt that I needed to. This post sounds like me and I also realize that this is the depression sitting there telling me evil little lies that I am just too quick to grab onto believe instead of all of the evidence to the contrary. But how about this, how about we afford ourselves the same latitude that we would afford our very best friend? How about instead of replaying the list of things that we are not doing, we pick 1 or 2 and get good at doing those consistently for a month and then see if we can add anything else? I need to do this as well because I too get bogged down in the bullshit that depression spews at me and before I realize it I am almost immobile which only serves to be another failure on my part. I certainly can understand where you are with this and I know that it is hard but maybe if we do just 1 thing (set up a homework schedule that we can do under the covers with our kids every day….I bet they would LOVE IT!!) maybe we will have won at least 1 battle against the evil liar that is depression….
This is totally normal. I have conversations with my friends all the time about how I don’t feel like I have it all together and I feel so out of control and like a bad parent and a bad person and they tell me that it seems like I’m doing great. Then I tell them how I want to be more together like they are, and they look at me like I’m nuts. Then we talk about how a person perceives themselves compared to how they are perceived by others is so different. Everyone has their shit. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety (a winning combination) for much of my adult life, sometimes with medication and currently without.
I have to say that like one of the previous commenters, the only thing that helps me feel consistently better about myself on a consistent basis is exercise. Before I exercised I wanted to punch people in the face who said exercise would make me feel better. But it did, and it does. I read recently that the endorphin reward from exercise (I’m a runner) causes brain changes that are very similar to the rush one gets from drugs and alcohol. No wonder I love it so much. I get cranky when I don’t exercise now.
But on a day when I’m feeling badly, if I can accomplish a run, then that’s one thing, and it usually gives me more energy to do other things that I was probably avoiding doing. This may or may not be similar for you or other people who have different things going on in your life or your brain. Please don’t punch me in the face.
You just described my life. I feel like a failure MOST of the time. But I know by other people’s standards, I probably seem very successful. I don’t have any (diagnosed) mental illness… but anxiety and doubt about my abilities and worth crushes me on a damn near daily basis. You are not alone, love. Maybe we should all start posting on Facebook all of our fucked up shit, instead of all the bright shiny stuff. We’ll start a trend. Instead of “here’s a picture of me and my adorable kid at the zoo!” We can post “Here is me drinking myself to numbness because my kid has been screaming all fucking day!” Oh wait, that’s just me?
This is absolutely me. I don’t have depression problems and I never stay in bed all day, but I still always feel like I never accomplished anything even though I’ve just finished two books. I feel like almost every day was wasted, and I can’t get them back, and worse, I start to feel like it’s too late to start doing anything -now- every time.
So it’s not just you.
Maybe 4 successful days a month. I can’t volunteer or pta its too stressful, I rarely shower everyday. If I had my way I’d stay indoors curtains closed. I hate feeling totally different than everyone, unorganized, no heels and lipstick when I cook and clean. You are not alone.
You feel successful 3 or 4 days a MONTH? For me, it’s been more like 3-4 days a YEAR for most of my life! I turn 62 this month. It’s only been the past year that I’ve started to feel happy most of the time, but I still don’t feel successful – but successful doesn’t matter much any more. Happy is enough. Hell, content is enough. Accepting that I am who I am is enough. It’s taken a long time and lots of really fucking hard work to get to here, but I’m glad I made it. I so nearly didn’t, with several depressive periods taking me to the edge of suicide. I repeat – I am glad I made it to this here and now.
I’ll try again.
The second best bit of advice I was ever given goes as follows: ‘Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight-reel’.
Of course everyone else looks so great, and seems to do the homework straight away, and have all the toilet paper. Sometimes though, that’s *all* they have and you don’t get to see the spaces in between. So don’t compare yourself.
I feel just the same, about half the time (so, it can get better). But I still sit here with my lousy etsy shop and my medium-quality countryside to go walking in and worry that everyone else’s entire life is like the one story they told me once about that one time they went camping. in between staring at re-runs of soaps.
And, I have boxes ON MY DINING TABLE that I haven’t unpacked since six moves ago.
Love xxx
Me, too. In fact, I look at you and ask myself why can’t I do all the things you do. It’s the damned Internet. We can see all of the Joneses, all of the time. Edited, no less. That’s not to say I hate the Internet, by the way. Just that it seems to be a side effect of an incredible resource.
The people who don’t think they are frauds are the frauds. Humans are flawed. Humans are not meant to be perfect. All we can do is be kind, accept the blessings given and look outward more than inward, which will hopefully make us a blessing to others. When I focus on me, me, me, me I’m so miserable. When I look out at those I love, those who need love then I feel more complete and more content.
You are such an inspiration to me and all those who come here. Thank you and keep on keeping on!
xoxoxo Rachel
I recently went back to being a stay at home mom, and I had all these dreams of getting my messy, unorganized house into shape, working on DIY projects, and making it to every school meeting. I’ve already skipped Back to School Night, bowed out of concession stand duty, and my house is still a wreck.
I, too, feel accomplished if I manage to run one simple errand.
It’s not just you.
I always feel like everyone else has their lives perfectly put together, like everyone else has the confidence I find so difficult to get ahold of. The more I actually talk to people who are close to me, the more I realize that we all feel like impostors. People don’t talk about this because we’re all so busy pretending to be in control, pretending to have shiny happy lives. I can only imagine how much better life would be if we all stopped pretending and got around to just plain enjoying life as it actually is.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
People may seem to have their stuff together, but appearances are deceiving. The vast majority of people have at least two, if not more, areas of their lives that are way out of whack.
Try a gratitude journal or just a moment before you go to sleep or when you first wake up when you list outloud what you are grateful for. Sounds corny but reminds us of the good and helps move the focus from the bad.
Also, 745 comments (and counting) can’t be wrong.
It is NOT just you. This is me every day. I don’t remember ANY days that I go to bed feeling like I kicked ass. But I do have occasional moments where I’m pretty damn proud of myself. Maybe 4-5 times a month. Maybe.
Apparently, according to other people, I’m too hard on myself and you probably are too hard on yourself as well.
What makes me feel worst is procrastination, especially having put something off so long that the only solution involves throwing money at it or the kids missed an opportunity.
What I do to make myself feel better: I keep a composition book with a running To Do list. Most things eventually get done, but maybe 6 months after I put it on the list. If I had a daily list, that would suck moving that item from one day’s list to the next. But with a book, the Done items start to get checked off and when a full page of items (about 10 per page) get done, I fold that page down. Then I can look back through the book and be ok with myself. Also, when I do something not originally on my list, I write it in just to check it off.
Also, during particularly rough times (anxiety, depression) I move into Pass/Fail mode. The house can be a mess, the kids and I didn’t leave it all day, absolutely nothing got done, but we’re fed and we’re safe in bed. That’s a pass. And anxiety meds. Those are helping too.
You’re comparing your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reels. I’m bipolar, and I’ve been going to cognitive therapy and taking mood stabilizers for years. My counselor and psychiatrist both say I’m doing really well, and I feel EXACTLY like you do. If you are a loving parent who meets your child’s emotional and physical needs and maintains a functioning marriage, well shit, you’re doing pretty damn well. Who gives a shit about the mountains of laundry?
So here’s what I’m trying. Pick ONE thing you want to change about yourself. Nope, you only get one. Focus only on that until you feel like it’s really stuck (that might be months). So think about what will make the biggest difference, and make a plan. What could trip you up? How will you handle that? You know, all that cognitive therapy shit.For me, I spent January through May getting into the habit of cooking interesting, semi-healthy dinners every night. It was relaxing, a great creative outlet, and gave me that sense of pride we all need. Next, I’ve decided that I really want a house that’s reasonably clean and orderly. So that’ll be what I’m working on for the next few months. Okay, so I’ll only make 2 changes a year, but every week that I make a menu and plan out homemade meals, I feel a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
You’re not an anomaly. Unfortunately, you’re just like the rest of us.
Oh you are so not alone. I frequently write about my periodic feelings of inadequacy, suckitudinalness, and general sense that I am disappointing EVERYONE I come in contact with. I blame hormones and menopause most of the time. Regardless of why we feel this way, know you are not alone. I try very hard to remind myself I am doing my best most of the time. And if that means I have to say no to some things, then I have to say no and be OK with that. And that even means saying no to my kid sometimes. You are good enough. You are doing enough. We all love you.
I am not sure what “success” even means any more. Four years ago, I lost my firstborn son to a genetic disease, and my life unraveled. Since then, I have had two more kids (who are thankfully healthy) and now I am a stay-at-home mom. I used to define myself by my job – now that is gone. I don’t want to compare myself to other moms – I always feel less than them when I do. My kids are amazing – but I never really feel like I am giving them my best. I am too broken. So, maybe I have 4-5 really good days a month, when I feel like I’ve got a handle on this life. The rest of the time? I guess it’s a success if I am still trying.
So, it sounds like you are very human. Everyone has the voice inside their head telling them how they are not as good as everyone else they see, and also telling them what they “should” be doing. That is the common, human experience, as far as I can tell. The voice also tells us ALL that we need to look good for everyone else. The result is that we’re all a little afraid of each other.
The amazing thing that you do so well is that you show us, through all these amazing posts, your authentic self. Apparently, the key to fending off the voice – and the loneliness it produces – is the sharing of our authentic selves, the ability to be understood, and in turn understand others. The authentic connection is key and you allow ALL of us to do and be that here.
The other thing that helps quiet that inner voice is the ability (and it is an ability that can be learned and practiced) to see only “what is” without letting that voice take over. Ask yourself, on a very basic level “what happened?” You will end up finding that whatever it was that happened was not so bad – and that you can decide how to deal with whatever happened with less emotional attachment that can sometimes be destructive. Of course, things like death, heartbreak, and maiming are bad – but most other things can often be viewed more objectively.
My basic message here is that you are NOT alone because this is, in fact, the common experience. The other thing is that what you do by presenting your authentic self (both in funny and serious posts) is that you are reaching out to the rest of us – allowing us to know you – and sometimes you to know us. It’s huge – and you are contributing to a more enhanced experience for the rest of us.
So, Rock On! You are doing it right! 🙂
I also ride the anxiety and depression train.
Your feelings are eerily familiar.
While my meds help, I continue to try figure out how to allow myself to be the best ME.
One part of my brain constantly wants me to feel guilty and ashamed. Another part says to hell with that, and just be and act like yourself. Even if being myself is not what my seemingly well-adjusted peers ordered.
Some days I think I suck. Other days I think I’m great.
Most days I am caught up in a vortex of confusion.
I try to distract myself, then forgive myself. The forgiveness is the hardest. I am my own worst enemy, or at least my brain is.
Good luck, Jenny. I struggle. It’s hard. But, most days something makes me laugh out loud. That counts for something.
I’ve lovingly read you for YEARS and never left a comment (except once when I was trying to win a copy of your book or something…which I don’t think should count because it was purely selfish) so this is quite a rush!
I’m with you – 3-4 days a month…if that. I feel bad about EVERYTHING. Every mistake weighs so heavily and I cry, and I yell things like “I suck at life!” And honestly, it’s because everyone else out there is so PRETTY! And I’m smart and relatively funny. I’m kind…I drive a fuel efficient car. I get I’m overall a good person and that looks shouldn’t matter but ugh. They DO.
You know what though? We can’t keep judging ourselves by the shiny facetweet people. People only facetweet the good. No one ever hits send on the “My boyfriend cheated on me with my brother, I gained 12 pounds and I’m pretty sure that I should go to the doctor for that rash” status. My mom always tells me to make lists when I’m feeling conflicted. List out all the things you feel like you’re failing at (People will tell you this is a bad idea, but it’s not. You know when you just feel like something sucks and everyone’s trying to silver lining it but really it’s just like spraying Lysol after a really bad fart because then the room smells like fart and Lysol?) and then list all the things you’re good at. Even if they’re…I hit the toilet bowl every time I pee! or I’m really good at finishing my wine! because then you’ll start hitting some things that actually make you realize you ARE worthy. Or you’ll just laugh a lot because SOMEONE has to be good giving creepy guys at the bar their ex boyfriends number and damn it, it’s you!
Thank you for always being so open and honest. I thought it was just me. You make my life better.
Jenny,
First…you’re not alone.
Second….You see those PTA folks with pastel lives because that’s what they want you to see. That is what they are projecting to the world. Making a good impression to strangers is a game of smoke and mirrors. No one, with the exception of Martha Stewart, has a perfectly organized and clean house. If you come across someone who does…be wary, because it’s a lie and they’re not really living in it.
None of us are perfect. It’s just that some of us get really skilled at pretending we are.
Perception is reality. If you create the illusion, people will believe what they see. They won’t know that you’re drinking wine from a box and wearing the same yoga pants you wore yesterday (oh wait…that’s my life). So don’t feel so defeated. You’re doing a really good job so far, without even trying. From the outside looking in…you’re productive, and accomplished, and to be quite honest I’m willing to bet many of us reading your blog would love to walk in your shoes for a little while. So if you want to spend a day doing nothing because you don’t feel like doing anything…so be it. We certainly aren’t going to judge you…because we do it too. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.
You are definitely not alone. I only post the good things on FB…keeping my sad thoughts to myself. On Pinterest, I pin things for the ideal of me rather than the me I am most of the time. I believe that most people are doing this, and most of us are feeling bad about it too! Snuggling with our loved ones is probably the sanest and best thing we can do. Cuddling with your daughter makes you a great mom and is way more important than unpacking those boxes!
Every failing you described is one I feel about myself, except I never wrote a book, even though I half-ass started, and the home business I would like to start (so that I can escape the dead-end 9-to-5) is nowhere near begun because I can’t find the initiative.
I’m always behind on chores, and getting to the bank or getting the car serviced are major accomplishments. I fuck up the bills at least once a year, our water was almost shut off just last month because the auto pay (which I rely on so as not to fuck up the bills every month) was deactivated for no known reason. The only reason it wasn’t shut off was because my contractor asked the guy who was in our yard with the water-turning-off wrench and padlock to wait until he called me. Half the time we eat take-out because the kitchen is too messy, or has no food in it because I can’t get my ass to the store. Don’t even get me started on the yard, it’s so messed up I’m actually thrilled the contractors and road workers have made a huge mess of it so that I have an excuse for it’s disasterness. I own one bra, which I wash not nearly often enough, because buying bras is more annoying than wearing the same one every day. I have, no-shit, 15 projects I am in the middle of, and may never finish, including learning to knit, and scanning all the antique family photos. I’ve been meaning to clean out the garage for 3 years so that I can get rid of the last boxes from when we moved in here 9 years ago, some of which are from 2 moves ago. I have been working towards an Associate’s degree, sporadically for 15 years, which feels like it should be a record, but I know it isn’t, so I’m not even winning at failing.
Except for being infertile, and hating the fact that I can’t have kids, I feel like I’m basically succeeding as a person almost all the time. I’ve got 99 problems and money would solve at least 87 of them. If I still believed everything my mother ever told me about myself, I would think I was the most useless excuse for a human being on the planet, but I don’t, and I don’t have any mental illnesses that require active treatment (just a lingering touch of PTSD).
Everything you think is wrong with you, as a person, is a lie your brain is telling you.
In the blog above, you have answered your own question. First you said that, “I feel like from the outside looking in I seem successful and happy, but I can’t help but think that if people looked closer they’d see the cracks and the dirt and shame of a million projects that never get done.” So you’re saying is that to others, you might be a shiny person they compare themselves to. Therefore, you know the answer already—appearances are just an illusion.
Comparing yourself with anyone in life is fruitless and soul-sucking. Follow your own path and stop worrying about what other people are doing. Or a least this is what I try to tell myself 🙂 That said, I’ll admit this whole issue is why I watch “Real Housewives of Orange County.” It’s nice to see that women that seemingly “have it all” are just as f*ed up as the rest of us (or more so). It’s quite reassuring. You should give it a try (although Dr. Who does start soon—woohoo!).
Sweetie, what you wrote could be my words exactly.
Yeah, I work full time, because my husband doesn’t have insurance and we can’t afford at this time for me not to work.
At what cost? I work four 10 hour days. When I get home I rarely have the energy to cook a home made meal. It takes me the entire 3 days of my ‘weekend’ to get back to where I can drag myself off to work again.
I have a 19 year old son who… well, let’s just say he’s a teenager.
I make it through, barely. How many days a month do I feel like I actually accomplished something? Felt good enough to say I did something? Maybe 2-3 days… If I’m lucky.
Your blog, your honesty, gives me comfort. It may seem crazy, but knowing I’m not alone in my insanity of mental illness, other assorted health problems and not someone who actually looks like they know what they are doing, makes me feel better. I’m not alone. Neither are you.
(((((big hugs because you need them)))))
Hi Jenny. I have no idea what things you’re doing in your cognitive therapy – but I know that for me when the vampires come – (I too listen to Die, Vampire, Die – A LOT) it’s like I have to rewire my brain. Okay, so you know the episode of Seinfeld where George did the opposite of what his natural instincts were telling him? Kind of like that. When those voices tell you you’re no good, not good enough and any other shade of suck – you have to do some heavy emotional lifting and fight them. Don’t think in all-encompassing terms. I used to be Nobody loves me – and then had a person say, well that’s bullshit, because these 2 people do love you. I was dealing in lies – to myself. Okay, so there’s only 3 or 4 days a month where you feel you’re successful at life. That’s 3 or 4 days that you ARE winning the battle!! Aim for 5 this month – just one more day this month where you stake those freaking vampires and you’ll be doing great. I used to describe depression as a bottomless pit of writhing black snakes inside me. It made my Mom look at me weird, but it gave her context. Contextualize these days. What makes them better or worse? All those cliched platitudes? They kind of work for me. I stop and smell the flowers. Seriously. I stop and do that. I compliment people’s clothes or hair and totally get off on making that other person feel good. If it’s making you happy, keep doing it. If it’s making you stressed – stop. And know that there are SO MANY of us out there who are fighting this stuff too. oxo Heather
I used to feel like this; now I am fortunate enough to have anti-depressants that are helping my seratonin so I can be the kick ass person I was meant to be. When a lot of people look at me, they probably see that perfect shiny mom who volunteers and organizes and takes her kids awesome places — most people don’t know of my struggles, but I’m working on being honest when the situation arises, to help “normalize” mental issues that make so many people feel like losers, outcasts, failures, etc. You’re definitely not alone, and thanks for helping so many people discover they’re not alone either. Rock on, Bloggess!
I had been struggling with this a lot over the past few years, and I heard the answer several times (you’re being too hard on yourself), but one day it hit me like I had never heard it before, so I don’t know if the solution happens until something in your mindset will let it click.
Anyway, think how hard you would kick someone’s ass if they were as judgmental about your daughter or someone like Alie Brosh or anyone you just like if they were being as harsh as you’re being on yourself. You would point out the awesome things about those people that the judger was being critical of and identify them as a judgy asshat.
I think everybody has a judgy asshat voice in their head sometimes. Yours is pretty ramped up. You can take the power away from it when you recognize it for what it is and what you would think of it was saying those things about a friend of yours. Sure, you may not feel any more productive for most of the month, but whose expectations are you trying to live up to? The judgy asshat’s? Screw that.
It’s not just you. My life’s theme song is “Waiting for my Real Life to Begin” by Colin Hay.
(I want to send you some pictures of my house and garage, so you know you are not alone. I wish my office looked as cool as yours does.)
I feel like this all the time, except I don’t have a website and a book, even though I want both? So, I’m going to tell you what I’d tell a friend who said this to me. I think what’s more important than feeling successful is knowing that you do important work. You do REALLY IMPORTANT WORK. I’m not kidding. Making people laugh, bringing visibility to mental illness, sharing your real, unedited life — that’s the shit that matters. You do it, and by being your regular self, you do it well. So, yeah, you ARE successful! Shiny pastel people – who I seem to compare myself to as well — do not have it all together. They have a shield that looks great, but behind it, a war could be going on. That is why comparison is the thief of joy. Hard to remember though in the cloud of depression, am I right? But it is the truth. Oh, and the days you spend doing “nothing”? You are, in fact doing something. Part of depression is having days that float away. You are healing, incubating, etc., allowing your mind to rest. If you do, however, need to have less float days, I’d point you to Getting it Done While You’re Depressed, by Julie Fast. She’s a genius. I read it and refer to it when the floating becomes prevalent. The other thing I do is “start over”. If Little House has taken over my day, and it’s now 3:30, I just start over the way I wanted to at 8 a.m., coffee and all. I don’t get as much done, but I do accomplish at least something. Lastly, treat yourself as well as you’d treat your best friend. Be as kind, forgiving, loving and supportive to yourself as you would to her. It will take you by surprise.
Jenny,
One of your most striking features is your bravery. Now granted, considering that you lock yourself in a bathroom due to anxiety certainly does not appear to be brave, but your openness and willingness to challenge your fears is. You may slide down the hill and have not reached the summit, but you are so much higher up than, I bet, you thought possible.
As for being an imposter, actually that is a common feature of very successful people. For one good thing about it, you won’t just assume you are great and will continue to work. Another, you will remember where you came from and what is really important. This is exemplified by your giving back. Being a celebrity won’t spoil you – that is no Miley Cyrus routines (unless it is a parody.)
As for your daughter, children accept the world because they don’t know any different. While you want to be strong and always wear your parent face, she will also learn by how you gracefully deal with adversity. So you can’t make PTA meetings, it is not the end of the world. I doubt that in the future, you two will be having a screaming match and she will throw that in your face. (If she does, please write about it.)
Wabi-sabi
You are flawed and incomplete, as are we all.
“In everything, no matter what it may be, uniformity is undesirable. Leaving something incomplete makes it interesting, and gives one the feeling that there is room for growth. Someone once told me, “Even when building the imperial palace, they always leave one place unfinished.” In both Buddhist and Confucian writings of the philosophers of former times, there are also many missing chapters.”
? Kenko Yoshida, Essays in Idleness: The Tsurezuregusa of Kenko
Don’t let the anxiety get to you, I saw this article today on Huffington Post. I think its EASY for introverts to feel like a fake and I’m sure its worse if you mix in anxiety or depression. Trust me, what you are feeling is pretty normal
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/20/introverts-signs-am-i-introverted_n_3721431.html
You are not alone. And it’s so important, I think to GET IT OUT THERE. I think that so many people have depression, or PPD, or ADD, or OCD or whatever, but NOBODY talks about it. There’s a reason my blogspot is “suckathomemom.” Because I feel that way, all. The. Time. You’re not alone, keep your head up! And if you never wrote another thing you would still be wonderful, but just keep writing, it will come. (FYI…It is an honor that TheBloggess is asking me for advice–yes, I know, it’s not me, it’s everyone, but allow me the moment…because I really do suck at this silly thing called life.)
I don’t think anyone actually has their shit together. Some people are just good at outward appearances. I think this just means that you are 100% “normal.” (Is anyone/thing actually normal?) It’s sure hard to judge/determine success without comparing yourself to others, though. It sure would be nice to have a spotless house that doesn’t have cat hair collecting in the corners twenty minutes after I vacuum, to go to bed with sheets on it (rather than in a clean pile at the floor for three days because I’m too tired to fix it before I fall asleep), and to be so “with it” that I don’t spray myself with air freshener rather than perfume (happened this morning), but I know that I’m never going to be one of those ladies. And honestly, I think working so hard at appearances just sounds damn exhausting, and I’m already tired all the time anyway. Spending an extra hour talking to my husband about bullshit every night seems so much more important. Maybe that’s success – knowing that I’m never going to be that way and being ok with it?
There were 740 comments already when I logged in here so A) I don’t know if you’ll even get to mine; and 2) I’m sure I’m not saying much different than the other 740 people to came here before me, but here goes.
NO, IT’S NOT JUST YOU. It’s me, it’s her, it’s him… it’s all of us at some point, I think. And those who say otherwise are posers or so delusional you can’t trust anything they say anyway.
I feel like this a LOT. And like you, just a few days a month do I feel successful at life. Most of the time I feel like I have to put on airs just so people won’t see how fucked up I am, or how fucked up I THINK I am. Looking at the shell of me, and the whole of my life I have a wonderful husband of 26 years (hey, that’s quite an accomplishment in itself in this day and age), an 11 year old daughter whom I love with all of my being, I own a decent house, a have job that I’ve spent 23 years in and will probably retire from that pays the bills… I really can’t complain. Until those 20-26 days per month.
HOWEVER, that said, I do have those moments when I look around and realize that just because that person APPEARS to have their shit together, doesn’t mean they DO. It’s all appearances. Yes, that person at the PTO meeting seems completely with it, organized, put together, etc. But maybe they have bill collectors calling them; maybe they can’t hold a job; maybe their family is so fucked up that they’re barely functioning on a daily basis. If you only see someone for a brief snapshot of their day, or moments each month or whatever, you don’t REALLY know that that person is functional.
Anyway, I guess my point is we ALL have issues. We all have moments of doubt. We all have better days than others. We are all just trying to get by on this floating planet.
We are all perfect in our own ways – because imperfection IS perfect.
“As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear.”
so….thats mother teresa.
as in….MOTHER TERESA.
as in “ur so fucking selfless…ur practically mother teresa”
if she felt hopeless, alone…and questioned her work…i have to think it is part of human nature. and by human nature i mean decent humans. decent humans who care what they do…not what other people see them do.
i just compared u to mother teresa and called u a decent human…on a public blog.
i think im that asshole that does nice things just so other people can see.
fuck.
No one can be good at everything. Perhaps perfect pintrest mom sucks at honesty, so you’re keeping the cosmic balance in check.
Also, success shouldn’t be a daily accomplishment or we’d need a new word for the big stuff. Nothing wrong with existing.
I go through all of your stuff too and try to appreciate something every day. At a minimum, singing “people let me tell you about my best friend” in my head once in a while helps.
You have over 700 comments which I haven’t read yet, tho I plan to, because I predict the majority of them will say that they feel just like you do. Even if they don’t, here’s one that will concur that life is just fucking hard for me and seems harder than everyone else. I had a crying jag last night about how I’m fucking it all up and the only way I could stop it was to write down some things in a journal I started to keep for my husband, so he knew I loved him ‘even though’, and to go to sleep. I started seeing a new psychiatrist about my monthly cyclical bouts of crippling anxiety and I actually said to him, “There are really only 4-6 days a month where I feel okay. Where I feel like myself. Where I don’t feel like a complete failure at life.” He gave me Klonopin to take with my Prozac. The Klonopin makes me a fucking zombie so while the upside was I wasn’t anxious anymore, the downside is I was asleep at 10am. And 2pm. Then again at 6pm. Then I went to bed for the night.
I don’t have answers, and I know you aren’t looking for them. What I do have is a voice to tell you I feel this way, and the one thing that has changed after I turned 40 two years ago is I can see that every other woman I encounter feels this way too. The shiny pretty facades are fragile, and it just takes a small confession to get them talking about their own white knuckles. You help me just by being here for me, and I don’t even know you. Hopefully, this comment will help you, too. You may not know me, but you are me, and you are a lot of us, and we are all united in this fucked up club of ours. So thanks, and soldier on, sister.
ABSOLUTELY. You and I have much in common – anxiety, depression, and rheumatoid arthritis. For me, the RA contributes to this feeling quite a bit. I simply don’t have the energy I used to, even when the disease is well-controlled. When I first got sick, my inability to accomplish things was a huge shock. I could really only do one thing a day, and that “one thing” got smaller and smaller on the days I was flaring.
Right now my RA is actually doing well, which makes me feel like even more of a loser, because I haven’t adjusted back. There are still plenty of days when I just can’t think of a single thing I accomplished. I’m a parent too, and sometimes I feel that my son and I are really just existing – I would like more for him.
And it definitely makes it worse to compare myself to other people, who appear to be holding everything together really well, and are out doing all kinds of fun and exciting things. I have to remind myself that I’m only seeing part of their lives, though. I think a lot of people feel the way we do, and women in particular suffer from impostor syndrome quite a bit. I know I do.
I’m actively working on this right now, and will let you know if I figure anything useful out.
Being human is hard. I’ve had my electricity turned off several times. We don’t run out of toilet paper often, but that’s because we buy huge bricks of the stuff you could build a house with. Which will come in handy when we lose our house.
My co workers, students, and clients see a well put together professional who likes to be prepared. I know I can’t leave the house to walk around the block without carrying a 10 pound purse filled with stuff I need “just in case.”
I spent my 20s in a deep depression and OCD and anxiety are my constant companions. I recently, finally, mentioned the anxiety to a doctor and he suggested I do yoga and meditate–but I hate being still with my own thoughts. So these things I know should be good for me are things I can’t pursue. I prefer to be busy and drown out my issues in a constant stream of information.
I can go weeks or longer without feeling like I’ve kicked ass and kicking ass is usually followed by a laser-like focus on the things that I botched up. What makes me feel the worst? Regrets for some bad or stupid decisions I’ve made. I can and do replay mistakes over and over till I can break the loop and focus on something else. Sometimes it takes some else to distract me.
What do I do to feel successful? I hug my husband and my cats. I teach–because it reminds me I know a lot about what I do. I help people when I can, because even when I can’t get everything “right” I can still do the right thing.
I know you’re not fishing for compliments, but I just want to say that from what I’ve seen of you, you’re doing a great job of being a person. Sometimes just accomplishing the “basics of existing” is a huge deal.
You’ve had the courage to let the world see the cracks, your anxieties, your unfinished projects, and that you let us see you treading water. You put yourself out there and that is incredibly courageous–and probably exhausting and terrifying at your end. I think your showing us all that makes you a great example of how to do the whole “being a person” thing. If more people dropped the facade and asked for help when they needed it–and helped when they could and how they could–the world would be a much better place.
You’ve helped a lot of people get through one more long day. You’ve helped me be a bit more open about the things that make it hard to leave the house. And you’ve helped me and a lot of people laugh at life and that is a great accomplishment.
The thing is that you’re doing it at a distance, through words on a screen, or on a page so you don’t always get to see your successes and that’s too bad because all of us out here know you kick ass.
I hope you find a way to feel better soon and that you are kind to yourself till you do.
I feel like you’ll enjoy this link if you haven’t already seen it. I think it encapsulates the secret that lotsa people get to the end of their rope way earlier than we think and it’s just not that visible. Not just with kids and not just with personal life or with friends or wahtever. Plus she made me cry I was laughing so hard.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jen-hatmaker/worst-end-of-school-year-mom-ever_b_3378480.html
Personally successful? Often. My job kicks ass, my husband kicks ass, I’ve found new hobbies that really satisfy me (weight lifting! You don’t have to be coordinated or fast or graceful or anything!!) and…yeah. I personally consider myself extremely lucky to love life. ‘Cause I know not everyone does all the time. So amen.
I think it’s obvious you’re not alone, from all these answers if nothing else. Some days I feel like a responsible, capable adult. Mostly I feel like I am free-falling through randomosity and I’m lucky if I remember to put on pants before leaving the house. I have a leave-the-house checklist mantra that includes “wearing shoes, wearing clothes” that I say out loud, because you just never know. And I do feel like the big things that I thought I’d totally have done by now, in order to live life the way I’d planned, I have completely failed at. I’m still trying for them, in sometimes circuitous ways, but I keep being thwarted, and I wonder if I’m just not cut out for the important things in life, so I’ll have to make due with crawling along the edges and hoping for some happiness anyway. So yeah, I feel you. I’m still trying, I’m still working. But it would be nice for a little relief now and again. Here’s hoping for some relief for you.
I’m answering this without reading anyone else’s comment first so I won’t be influenced. I spend so much of my time feeling like a fraud, like I’m just faking being a human being, being a woman, being a nice person, etc. I’ve got so many people snowed , but I can’t quite seem to convince myself. Have you read Dexter? He spent a lot of time studying his fellow man so he would learn how to act and react around normal people so they wouldn’t know of his inner killer. I’m like that, minus the serial killer part because I’m too lazy and I don’t want to replace the good knives all the time after I’ve murdered someone with them. Really, sometimes I catch myself thinking, “Judy, this is the point where you are supposed to show concern. Make the right face. Do that tone of voice thing.” Now off to read the rest of the comments to see how many of us are just faking it. I’m betting a lot more than I ever, ever guessed.
Never ever waste your good time comparing yourself to the people that I refer to as “air brushed”. These are the plastic posers who monopolize all the social media(s) with pictures of their supposedly perfect lives. They ONLY POST what they want the world to see: their ONE good hair day this month because they just stepped away from the mirror at the salon. These are the people who only take pictures of their house when it is spotless. These fake fucking losers (shiny pretty people as you call them) pretend that their life is so amazeballs because in fact they are as normal as the rest of us but they have some huge complex where they have to be the center of attention.
Nope, you are pretty much the norm when it comes to feeling overwhelmed by the everyday things. The best you can do, the best that any of us can do, is to stop comparing our real and wonderful lives to the fake and fucked up lives of the air brushed posers and just be happy with what we have.
Peace.
So, there are already a million comments, but because I struggle with this exact same thing, I feel the need to contribute. I’m sure you’ll actually read this, so that’s helpful for me to know as I lay here, typing on my phone, with a toddler who thinks taking a nap is really a game of who can stay awake longer.
Every. Single. Day. I feel like I’m wasting time. I want to be wildly successful. I want to make a permanent mark on this world, yet the only thing I manage to do is keep my head above water. I try to rationalize that part of this is because I have an extremely needy 18 month old, but what the hell was I doing before that? I don’t know, either. Wasting time.
I stay at home with my son. I write haphazardly in my basically defunct blog. I tried to write a book but couldn’t seem to finish. It’s like I pull myself in a million different directions, grasping at straws, trying to find *the thing* that will make me into “that person” I want to be. The wildly successful one.
I still haven’t found it. I don’t even know how to find it, but there is this unyielding fire deep down inside of me that needs to find that fulfillment. For me, just being a mom is not enough. Except, now, the only time I have to even attempt to march in the direction – any direction – that will put me closer to reaching my hopes, desires, and dreams, is at 9:00pm. And after doing 99.9% of the parental duties, seven days a week, I’m tired. So, I end up tired and frustrated and stuck in the exact same place the next day..:and the next. Such a vicious cycle.
I guess my point is that different situations lead to the same feelings. I am positive that those people you see who seem to have it all together…don’t. Maybe a few are actually as they seem in public and also behind closed doors, but I am certain that most are suffering inner demons they have learned how to hide from everyone else. It’s a survival technique and the people who are willing to openly admit that they are struggling are so much stronger, so much braver. It’s so much harder to admit you’re not perfect and that your life isn’t this amazing bubble of always being happy and smiley and wonderful.
I think we all live for those few moments – your 3 days a month – of true, genuine happiness. We are always chasing that day we felt amazing. That day that felt like we were living the most perfect fairytale. The day that we were the genuinely happy person at the picnic that everyone else was staring at longingly, wishing their day was as magical as ours.
We all live that battle.
I have no answers as to how to balance the long days in between where you feel like an absolute waste of a human being. I wish I did. It would make my struggle much easier to bear. You have reached a level of success that I can only hope to aspire to, and if this feeling will still be there if I make it that far, I’m definitely going to need to learn how to deal with it.
Not alone. and there are two of us who are medication and he is anxiety with bouts of pretty severe depression. I suffer bouts of mania and then nothing gets finished. Dishes so they don’t stink is about it for us. Laundry when we run out. Animals have the only priority in our lives. You are not alone.
I wish you could come to the SF Bay Area and visit for a few weeks because believe it or not, I actually went to group therapy for this very issue for 16 months. Every Monday for 16 months, a group of moms got together and did 20 minutes of yoga and then shared how we felt we were failing. All.the.time. Want to know what the group was coded for so insurance would cover it – post-partum depression. Yep. But – anyone who is a mom with kids can come to it. And so, having had a LOT of treatment for this issue, I’ll answer your honesty question:
Is it normal – honestly, I’d say it’s common but not “normal” in the sense of healthy. But I’m not sure meds are the way to go. Instead, I’d try to find a therapist who deals with women’s issues and maybe even PPD. I know with your SAD and other issues, group therapy is really, really hard and scary, but I will say that this the only group therapy I’ve ever done that was remotely helpful to me. If you can find a similar group near you, I’d say do it.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I know you’re not asking for advice. Just telling you what worked when I was there because yep, I’ve been there and I have long-term mental health issues as well (GAD, panic disorder and PTSD), but this is one thing that I did find treatment for that helped enormously. Hugs Jenny. Feel free to email me personally if you’d like more info on what the group was like/what the treatment was.
You are NOT alone! If I can manage the total basics of survival (wake up, eat food, surf internet) then it’s a great day. But I feel like a total failure as a person and a wife. Even on days where I really accomplish something like cleaning a bit, running errands, going to the park with the hubby; It makes me feel more like crap because why can’t I do that all the time? Why am I such a failure at life?
I can so relate. Even if I happen to have a really productive day, I still judge myself on all the other crap I didn’t get to.
Couple of things that help me:
– keep to a schedule – I noticed another poster mentioned that and it’s true – structure to your day can really help
– hide the status updates of those annoying over-achievers – this one has helped me tremendously!
– when those dumb-ass judgmental voices start, make a real effort to shut them up and concentrate on even the simplest accomplishments you did that day. This takes practice!
I really hope you can get to a point where you can take pride in yourself. You are an amazing woman! We are all very proud of you!!!!
It’s not just you. And I mean that. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety or anything like that, but I’m lucky if I go to bed at the end of the day feeling good about myself more than a couple of days a month. I’m a single mom of a 13 year-old boy who is awesome, dipped in fantastic and smothered in amazing. But at the end of October, my Mom passed away and then at the end of November I found out they were closing my office and we were all out of a job as of January 1. And I still haven’t found a job. And now my Dad has cancer and lives 50 miles from me. I drive to him at least twice a week for chemo appointments and all that stuff. And all of my friends and family think I’m so wonderful for doing it and I think it’s nothing and just part of being me. And my son is great and I think it has nothing to do with me. It took YEARS for me to accept a compliment instead of saying something like, “You need glasses” or, “it’s no big deal.” I still think those things, I just don’t say them any more. I don’t believe compliments given to me.
I’m not looking for pity or anything else here, I just hope that my words help you understand that you are FAR from alone.
Even when I’m working and things are going okay, I look at my dinky little town house and wish I could provide a house with a yard for my son and wish I could give him the $200 techie “thing” he wants for Christmas, but can’t afford. I try to remember that I at least have a house, but it doesn’t always help. There’s just so much. And at the end of the day when you’re laying there, thinking, you are most vulnerable. I think that’s part of why I stay up late until I’m falling down tired. That way, when I go to bed, I fall asleep right away and don’t have time to think. Far from a good solution. But for now, it works.
I’m sorry this happens to you. I hope it gets better. I really do truly think you are amazing for sharing this. Thank you.
http://blog.soworthloving.com/take-my-advice/
Jenny (and those of us who may feel behind and unworthy at time), the above link is very inspiring. It comes from a new organization called So Worth Loving, and they have an awesome message. Hope you guys enjoy 🙂
There are also more posts on their site with related stories and experiences and how they overcame feelings similar to those in this blog post.
As I scrolled down to enter a comment and saw how many responses are here I thought “what is the point? She’ll never read my comment.” That’s essential how I see myself all the time- I am nothing special. Anyone who says they like or love me is lying. I suck at being a responsible budget running mom with three teenagers and red dogs and a husband and as all business. I have a BA in sociology and a MA in psychology and I know my diagnosis(s) and I know that no one is perfect but I am a bother to everyone. The bad thing is….when I do rarely ask for help from people…my family, my friends I consider family…no one helps so it further cements these thoughts about myself. I gained weight due to a medical reason and my anxiety will never let me rest or stop thinking about it. Sometimes I wish I could develop an eating disorder but I lack the motivation.
How often do I feel good? Functional? Worth something? Maybe 3 a month. On those days I am able to forget the significant amount of money I (we) lost 6 years ago due to the economy, my husband’s ex-wife and me not being brave enough to say no to several things and speak up about weird advice. On those days I am able to not take it personally that my oldest son struggles with the same issues I have (I passed them on- you’re welcome kiddo). I am able to not feel like a failure because I had to leave law enforcement after 13.5 years because my anxiety was in overdrive. I am able to not worry about cashing out a retirement to save a house we lost anyway and another to start my small business. I am able to not care about the fact I have no living family that cares about anything I say, do, or need. I just chose to forget.
I do want to experience not being numb. Because even though I’m not on meds….I’m numb to everything but anger.
So no, you’re not alone. And you are doing your best. Just like I am. Now if we can find a way to believe it.
(I read your comment. You are special and amazing. ~ Jenny)
You are definitely not alone!! If I had young children now, I don’t think I would have been able to stand the pressure. There was no Facebook when my children were young so I was unaware that I was inadequate, lol!!!! I see mothers now that are desperately trying to appear like they are perfect on Facebook and I wonder how they aren’t in a straight jacket. I used to actually think I was a good mother. Now you have to not give your kids gluten, or peanuts, or ANY sugar, or water out of plastic bottles that have been sitting in your car, make sure they never see the light of day without gobs of sunblock…. The list is endless. I’m glad that I didn’t know I sucked at the time. And yes, I rubbed scotch on my teething baby’s gums at 2:00am to get her to stop screaming cause I didn’t have any Oragel. She’s 24 now and has a Masters Degree so it all worked out. And my youngest had a dislocated elbow because I was wrestling with her to put her coat on. But she’s now 23 and an RN. I just did the best that I could. We all do. I am a little older and wiser now but I still wonder why people compliment me. I feel like if they really knew how scattered my brain was and how I won’t drive places because I am afraid that I won’t find a parking space when I get there, they would take it back. I am always thinking that I could have done things better. But about once a week, I feel like I kicked ass. And those are great days!!!!!!
WOW did you ever hit it on the nail! 800 posts in 2 hrs. does this answer your questions?
Sometimes my biggest accomplishment is getting out of bed in the morning. I feel like a champ when I can do that AND shower! And just remember, all those people you see with their pretty lives, they are probably feeling the same way, maybe they just had a good day or were at least able to hide the mess that is their life.
I used to feel more like you describe but now it is more moments instead of days where I judge myself in the way you describe. what helped for me was years of therapy including group therapy with a great therapist. I don’t know if you therapy includes group therapy but I found that really helped me to get immediate in person feedback as well as to witness others expressing their feelings and give them feedback. I also got that from attending 12 Step meetings as well, although in those the feedback is different. !2 Step anonymous meetings don’t involve crosstalk so people would not comment on what I was saying but by being in a group of people and hearing them express all kinds of issues helped me feel less alone in what I was going through. Have no idea if any of the above would help you. But I do have to say that your description of how much time you spend thinking of yourself as less than does sound a bit extreme. I would think it should be possible for you to increase your ratio! Not being a mental health professional though I have no idea of what you need.
I feel the same. People tell me what a great job I do and how together my life is and how easy and awesome it must be too be me but I always agree with them while I’m crying slash laughing inside thinking if you only knew. I have no idea how those other people do it. Every week I swear I’m going to actually look at my children’s homework folders and initial their agendas every day. And every Thursday I write stupid little comments to their teachers about why it didn’t get done and why the science project I was supposed to help my kid with two months ago still has wet glue on the due date. I’m so glad I’m not the only one.
I have had so many conversations on exactly this subject recently.I just started to set tiny goals for tomorrow right before I go to bed. It is helping a little bit. Some days I just can’t move. The small goals have made it just a bit easier to get something done. Kind of a jumpstart, a small goal to help me get out of bed.
First of all, kudos to you for making up a new word for us – arsonistic. That is one success for today!
I feel like a failure every day and I don’t even have an “official” diagnosis of depression, anxiety, etc to blame. Between a full time job which I am starting to hate and raising two kids, I am spent. PTA? Ya gotta be kidding! I have dust bunnies in my apartment that give my kids nightmares, sticky shit on my kitchen floor, not enough energy to harass them about their homework, no boyfriend, a terrible diet and an out-of-shape-body. With the exception of the occasional bright spot (always my kids), I pretty much go to bed most nights wondering “is this all there is to life?” You are not all alone my friend. When I find a solution, I’ll be sure to pass it on. For now, I’m just going to keep faking it.
I got married young and then waited 5 years to have a baby. But all of my close friends are single and are either in school to have a good career or already have that career. I never finished college and I look at my friends who aren’t looking to be married or have kids and are happy with their lives and who are crafty and creative and are productive in society and I think of them as successful. My husband has to remind me regularly that I’m not a failure and that I created and am raising a beautiful baby boy. But sometimes it’s hard to see that as success when our society thinks that to be successful we have to work, have children, be involved in multiple activities, be thin, have a clean house and cook. I know about unwashed hair and dishes and a social life that’s been hard to keep up with. You are not a failure an I think there are a lot more people out there who have a hard time being open about what they fear about their lives.
I have had so many conversations on exactly this subject recently.I just started to set tiny goals for tomorrow right before I go to bed. It is helping a little bit. Some days I just can’t move. The small goals have made it just a bit easier to get something done. Kind of a jumpstart, a small goal to help me get out of bed.
It’s definitely not just you.
On good days, I’m happily married with a brand new son and a Corgi, I’ve got a high paying job, I’m a published author, and I don’t have much to complain about except my commute.
But on bad days? I’m sleep deprived all the time. That’s killing any chance I’ve got to deal with my weight or my TMJ or any of my other health issues intelligently, because I don’t have the time or the energy to cook healthy or exercise. I never write enough, and even when I get something done I never revise it enough to make me happy, and I haven’t published anything in nearly a decade. (Naturally it doesn’t count if I’m not getting paid.) My job is not particularly exciting or technically challenging, I’m horribly out of date on the technical skills I’d need to get a new one, the air in the building and the food in the cafeteria is slowly killing me and I STILL have to deal with the damned commute. And I can’t vent about any of it because everyone around me has worse problems to deal with, so why should I burden them with mine? I’m not working in a boiler for sixteen hours straight or recovering from surgery or dealing with criminal lunatics for forty eight hours a week. Feeling like a worthless failure is small potatoes.
But I do have more good days than bad.
Thanks for the post. It’s nice to know it’s not just me, either.
It’s not just you. I think most people feel like this a lot of the time:
“I feel like from the outside looking in I seem successful and happy, but I can’t help but think that if people looked closer they’d see the cracks and the dirt and shame of a million projects that never get done.”
Kathy above me (#848) says it well. we’re all so busy trying to appear perfect that we don’t realize none of us really are!
You’re not alone. I think I have 3 or 4 days a month without fear. Without feeling down. Without feeling less worth that others.
I have CPTSD. that’s also an anxiety disorder. It’s tough. I think the days mostly are tough. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to get better. It’s like beeing trapped inside dark cold room. It feels like having ten heavy wooden blankets over me. Like I can’t breathe. I can’t see any sun. No birds. No colors. No nothing. It’s just dark and scary and alone.
But then suddenly I have a good day. A day where I feel worthy again. A day where I feel like people might like me after all. And I’m not a bad person. I’m always nice. To everybody.
I have monsters trapped inside. And the only one they hurt is me. On good days I know I don’t deserve their hate. But I don’t have many good days. On all the bad days I feel like I do deserve their huritng words. Telling me I have noe value. Telling me things I wouldn’t ever think about anyone else than myself.
You say that depression is a lying bastard. That sentence, from you, have helped me through som tough times. All though I don’t belive it when I’m on the bottom, I have this hope, this small hope that you might be right. People like you save others. You’d might not know that. Maybe you’ve never thought about that, but you do. I know you do. I know that for me beeing able to read your blog, reading about another person, on the other side of the world, feeling as misreable as myself, feel a bit less lonley. I don’t feel quite so alone then. And I think that when you’re making it through, I’ll give it one more try as well.
So just beeing yourselv, beeing the person yu are, writing and telling us all about your life, saves the lifes of others. You’re helping us through. And saving another persons life is the most valuable gift anoyone can give Even though they give it without knowing about it. But now you do know about it.
You are so valuable. Thank you so much.
Anita
Go to the bank? What am I, a fucking wizard?!
How many days a month do I feel like I have things nailed? Hmm. Does it have to be a complete beginning-to-end day? Like 24 consecutive hours? Because then maybe 1. And I feel like maybe I’m just saying that because saying zero is too ridiculous. If I can lump all the minutes and hours together that I feel decently accomplished, I could probably get a solid 5 or 6 days.
You say that from the outside looking in, you probably seem happy and successful. So do all those shiny pretty people at PTA meetings. And as for the people on Pinterest? We’re just posting things there that we wish we could be or do. An extension of magazine collages of our teen years. Hardly a measuring stick for your life.
So no, you’re not alone. Thanks for posting this to remind the rest of us that we aren’t, either.
Are you kidding? I spend all day, every day concerned that someone is going to realize how terrible I am and let everyone know, so my job will fire me, my wife will leave and take the animals, the bank will repossess the house and I’ll end up living in a box under a bridge because that’s where I belong. Typing it out makes it sound somewhat ridiculous… but I still kinda believe it.
I don’t know if this will make you feel any better (or if you’ll even read this because I see there’s like 775 comments above mine), but your post just made ME feel a whole lot better because I FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY! All the time. Like I’m just faking my way through like. I fake being smart, I don’t know why people think I’m smart, because my mind is usually pretty blank…as in actually blank…except for the commentary running through my head about how my brain is literally blank 90% of the time. The other 10% I come up with funny/smart things (see even now I can’t even come up with a better word for my thoughts than “things”). I had the day off yesterday and I made a 15 minute about getting an insurance quote…and that was it, all day. So yeah, your trip to the bank is looking pretty fraking productive to me right about now. In all seriousness, I don’t know if our thoughts are ok (I’m guessing not) or normal…but if it helps, you’re not alone. And 5 minutes ago, I DID feel alone…so thanks.
If life was a blowjob, with our level of sucking we’d be among the best and Life would have a reason to smile. As a fellow Head Junkie (my term for the ability to allow the voices in my head to control my daily level of functioning) I totally get not “being” a person, of treading water and everyday being a survival rather than an accomplishment. Some of what you may feel comes from comparing yourself to others. It has taken me far too many years to comprehend that it’s just “me” in this race. No one else has endured/ experienced / existed through what I have and do, and they do not deserve the justice of a comparison to me. I have a personality disorder, depression (I wake up every morning pissed off that I’m still breathing knowing there’s not a damn thing I can do about it), and anxiety. Oh, and I’m a single mother of a special needs teenager so I have no choice but to be okay. With the greatest compassion and understanding I offer you this: take yourself off the pedestal – the height does nothing for your anxiety; at the end of the day write down things you completed and file them under daily accomplishments. Maybe you didn’t paint the town with rainbows, but hell you’re a member of the Unicorn Success Club – you can poop rainbows! The next time the Voices reject a complement – call them on it. Make them tell you why you don’t deserve it, then tell them to go sodomize each other sans lubrication (coming from a woman who has unclean hair AND forgot the deodorant today, they’d better take it seriously!) I have resisted therapy until this year (after finding your blog and realizing if you can function and do this then I have no excuse) and am just now beginning to love the little girl I am which is allowing me to function as the woman I deserve to be. And whether or not you believe that you are an amazing woman who deserves to not struggle with these demons, your fans believe in you. And you had better trust the judgement of the thousands of demented and tortured souls who believe in you.
I feel like I’ve failed everyday of my life. I could have done something. I could have done more. I could have done better. I am fat. I am ugly. And I am tired. I have a life that many tell me they’d kill for but I’d just like to take a nap. This is life. It is worse for my Mother who mostly does nothing and has this belief that everyone must LIKE her — to the point that she dumps on those closest to her in her frenzy to be popular with those who don’t like her.
I say Fuck It. As long as I’m putting one foot in front of the other I’m successful. Also, just as we shouldn’t judge others (although I get a lot of satisfaction in knowing that the Kardashians are all whores) we also shouldn’t judge ourselves. That’s God’s job. What kind of snotty, uptight bitch am I to be elbowing God out of the way – ” I’m better at your job than you.”?
So many people beat themselves up because they aren’t like others or “normal.” Normal is boring and I don’t actually think it exists. All those PTA moms from my childhood are divorced, wrinkly cougars now. They smoke, they drink, they prey on young boys and some of them have been doing Shades of Grey since the PTA days. They were the litmus test for normal and they are total whack jobs — they were just better at camoflaging their crazy.
I survive by celebrating each accomplishment. I got to work late but still 10 minutes earlier then normal. My kitchen is clean. I got new paperclips… whatever. I party on the inside when I accomplish something major. Life sucks, but it’s a lot better than the alternative.
You’re not alone. I think I have 3 or 4 days a month without fear. Without feeling down. Without feeling less worth that others.
I have CPTSD. that’s also an anxiety disorder. It’s tough. I think the days mostly are tough. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to get better. It’s like beeing trapped inside dark cold room. It feels like having ten heavy wooden blankets over me. Like I can’t breathe. I can’t see any sun. No birds. No colors. No nothing. It’s just dark and scary and alone.
But then suddenly I have a good day. A day where I feel worthy again. A day where I feel like people might like me after all. And I’m not a bad person. I’m always nice. To everybody.
I have monsters trapped inside. And the only one they hurt is me. On good days I know I don’t deserve their hate. But I don’t have many good days. On all the bad days I feel like I do deserve their huritng words. Telling me I have noe value. Telling me things I wouldn’t ever think about anyone else than myself.
You say that depression is a lying bastard. That sentence, from you, have helped me through som tough times. All though I don’t belive it when I’m on the bottom, I have this hope, this small hope that you might be right. People like you save others. You’d might not know that. Maybe you’ve never thought about that, but you do. I know you do. I know that for me beeing able to read your blog, reading about another person, on the other side of the world, feeling as misreable as myself, feel a bit less lonley. I don’t feel quite so alone then. And I think that when you’re making it through, I’ll give it one more try as well.
So just beeing yourselv, beeing the person you are, writing and telling us all about your life, saves the lifes of others. You’re helping us through. And saving another persons life is the most valuable gift anoyone can give Even though they give it without knowing about it. But now you do know about it.
You are so valuable. Thank you so much.
Anita
I’d say 3-4 days a month is about right for me, too. Some months, it is less. Thank you for sharing this – helps me know I’m not totally alone.
One more voice in the chorus, singing: “No, Jenny, it’s NOT JUST YOU!”
And you being brave and vulnerable here inspires us.
And thank you for telling us how you feel.
And so much love and affection to you…
I think everyone feels this way to varying degrees; Even those pastel PTA moms. I look at myself on a regular basis and think, “I’m 42. I work a job that don’t particularly like. I’m overweight, and can’t seem to kick my ass in to gear to work out and be healthy. I’m single and never been married. I’m not going to even mention how long it has been since my last date. I have depression and anxiety that make it hard to be fit for human consumption sometimes. What I always remind myself is that even though things aren’t exactly the way I planned or even how I want them to be, I’m still happy. I have a great family and fantastic friends. I’ve tried new hobbies (roller derby, cosplay), and I’m having a great time. And then I remind myself to not compare me to other people. Their lives aren’t perfect either. Anyone who says they have a perfect life is lying or trying to sell you vitamin supplements. Also, you make me laugh so hard sometimes I feel like I might tinkle a little. I just thought you should know that.
God, you aren’t ever going to see this comment because it is already over 700 comments in. That right there should tell you something about your question.
I’m not going to give you platitudes and try to cheer you up. I don’t have to say a word. I’m an anonymous internet person and you would never know if I came and left. So what I’m telling you is truth.
Most adults feel like imposters. Most adults struggle with feeling successful or even qualified for the role/job they have. I don’t know if it is an instinct we’ve retained to make sure we are always surviving or if it is a product of our stupid-selling-an-unattainable-lifestyle-so-you’re-always-buying media. I suspect the media.
My area is adult education and a big part of what we learn and what we address in learning events is helping adults get over that feeling that they are stupid and can’t learn. As adults, we have ridiculous expectations for ourselves. We expect ourselves to know it all and be able to do it all and we’re very uncomfortable with not meeting our own expectations out of the gate.
No one has that shiny pastel life you refer to. No one. Just like models, who are genetically blessed beyond belief, still have parts of their bodies airbrushed and erased before their pictures go to press, those lives that are dangled in front of you are also air brushed. Also, I think the people displaying the shiny lives are trying to convince themselves; they aren’t actually reflecting their lives.
I struggle with this every day. The things my inner voice says to me is tantamount to abuse. I’d never say those things out loud to anyone else. Why I let my inner voice get away with it is beyond me. I hate that voice.
I do a few things that help me along the way. Physically reviewing what I DID accomplish helps me. Making a list or a timeline of the things I did sometimes reminds me that even though it felt like I only went to the bank, there were a thousand other things that I did along the way. Most of the time it isn’t anything on my ToDo list but they still needed to be done and dealt with. I will also ADD things to my ToDo list just to immediately check them off so that I can see I’m not a loser and I did accomplish stuff even if it wasn’t any of my original ToDo items.
Sometimes I also need to remind myself of priorites. OK, so I didn’t do anything around the house and it’s filthy. But I did spend two hours cuddling the dogs. My dogs are way more important than house work. I can have a clean house and pooches who deserve, but aren’t getting, all the love. Or I can make them feel special and loved and blow off vacuuming. This isn’t easy because there are so many messages that we aren’t doing this or doing that and it reflects our worth and success. Remind yourself that that is a product of advertising. Some asshole who has never pushed a vacuum in his life came up with that message to sell more Mr. Clean.
I think your logic is telling you that inner voice is full of shit or you wouldn’t even question it.
I’m with you Jenny. With the ToDo list of unchecked items to prove it. I beat myself up every day for the things I don’t accomplish and resent the fact that I don’t look the way I “should” look or am farther along in my career. I chew on that late at night all the time. I think this is a part of depression’s lies.
People look at my bio or resume and are all “wow!” but I lay in bed at night and feel like the most mediocre mess that ever lived. So I know, I know exactly what you mean, and it is not, not ever, just you.
(The plastic perfect people feel the same way, if they bother to check in with themselves.)
I may be wrong, (it’s certainly been known to happen) but I think the reason we are all here is because you’re the most honest version of the successful person we all want to be. Instead of seeing the perfect hair, the pinterest worthy birthday parties you throw for your children, the fabulous crafts that you’ve whipped up in ten minutes while the cookies you made with your kids bake, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum until we all feel like we can’t possibly even be the same species as these people, well, instead you allow us to see that you can be successful while battling depression, anxiety, dollar store party favors, burnt cookies, crazy glued fingers, and yes, giant metal roosters. Those other people, that other species? Each of them has their own collection of daily failures that we will probably never see. All we see is the successes because they are better than so many of us at one thing – stuffing all their baggage in a closet. In the basement. With a padlock. And a rug over the trap door. I think we need people like us, people who are content to say, yeah, I was AWESOME four days this month, but let me show you all this stuff that I’d put in a basement if I could just figure out how to add one to my house. We’re the real people and we’re definitely the people I like to hang out with most. We’re not much more or less successful in the full measure, but we’re real.
You’re probably never going to see this comment, buried way down here… but, I’m going to try anyways. I LOVE your blog for it’s humor. This is the only blog I religiously read every single entry too… for it’s humor. Humor is my favorite-est thing in the universe. That being said… THIS entry was my absolute favorite.
The way I see it, we are bloggers… because we can’t be real people. Kimberliah is my alter-ego… The real me is painfully awkward and forever unsure of every damned breathe I take. I can only “be” Kimberliah because that screen in between me and the people I connect with is my armor. I could never be Kimberliah in real life… though, I’ve always wished that I could.
I’d guess that I have about 2 days a month where I feel like I kicked ass… but more often then not, something will attempt to seep in to make me even doubt those 48 hours. I feel the worst when I am compronted by things that take me out of my comfort zone… Last week, Hubs tried to get me to drive 200 miles to where he’s been working so we could hang out… I ended up a blubbering, crying mess because he wanted me to do this THAT same day… my brain doesn’t work like that… Being a normal person takes planning. To make myself feel more successful I… well, I haven’t found that place yet.
You’re not alone. Not even close. Every day I feel I haven’t done enough, achieved enough. I constantly struggle with looking at others and thinking why am I not like that while realizing that I don’t actually want to be that either. As what’s supposed to be a big birthday looms in the distance I see it getting worse. All my friends at this age have more, have better, have this, have that. Everyone I know by this age….etc. It’s a vicious cycle that some days feed the depression and anxiety. But other days it feeds the drive and the ambition. Some days it keeps me on my feet and working hard, other days it drags me down and makes me curl up in bed and refuse to move.
So you’re not alone.
I think it’s important that you know that EVERYONE has unfinished projects. The people that you see as shiny and put together, if you took a closer look you’d probably find that they have nice hair but their house is disgusting or they are on PTA but their husband is cheating on them. Everyone has their own secrets and problems, some are just better at masking it than others. You are a REAL person and you lay your shit out there for the world to see. You aren’t a failure, you are REAL. Some days I feel like I kicked ass at work and I’m so exhausted when I get home I don’t have the energy to do dishes. How many people can say they had the attention span and dedication to write a BOOK? I struggle writing an email, I remember 5 page papers in college made me want to jump off the building (and that is USING double space lol). You have your own personal strengths and areas of expertise. You make others laugh, you are an excellent mom because you love your daughter (doesn’t matter when you check her homework). There are so many good qualities that you have that everyone else doesn’t have. Do NOT compare yourself to anyone else, that is where the guilt stems from. Believe me, to trade someone else for a day you’d find they are just as normal as you are 🙂 Keep your head up, love you!
When you mentioned the other people (the perfect PTA asshats) I instantly was with you. Oh my God, do I feel the same way. My daughter is in her first year of marching band, and I’m so proud, but I’m terrified. I’m going to have to be one of those people in the band boosters, cheering at football games, and TALKING TO PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve done the Girl Scout leader thing, and I was sooooo relieved when that was over. I would much rather be rocking back and forth in the corner. Our family is so unorganized that we’re lucky if we make it through a week without losing something important. You are certainly normal, and not alone.
If I am lucky I have 2-3 good days a month. I never think I am good enough and I never believe anything anyone tells me that is a positive. Most days if I manage to get my kids to school and get myself showered that is something. I have a ton of things I have started and never finished because really who cares what the fuck I do anyway. Most days I know my husband loves me otherwise he would have left my ass a long time ago but it is still hard to make myself believe it. I know I should be on meds and he knows I should be but it feels like to much work to actually do it. To be honest, if I made it through the day without hurting myself in some way and I have fed my kids and made sure they are happy and know they are loved then the day has been somewhat successful.
Out of any given week, I might feel like I totally kicked ass in life once or twice. The rest of the time, I never feel like I’m doing enough. Or that what I am doing is good enough. I tried last school year to push outside of my painfully shy comfort zone. Ended up as a room mom for my daughters class. And then would spend weeks dreading the next school function I had to organize and run. I would end up paralyzed in front of a room full of 11 year olds, and that just plain sucks. Volunteering for PTA committees (again, trying to push outside my comfort zone) would practically cause me to have a nervous breakdown. I muddled through and it all worked out and I didn’t destroy anything or bring the organization to a standstill (yay me!).
I think a lot of us struggle. I think more of us struggle than we let on.
You really aren’t alone. I try to remember to see how many people love me, and want to be around me. I look at them and realise that they represent the reality of who I am and what I do. The love they have for me is real, and shows me every day that I am good at being a person, and am not now, nor have I ever really been a fraud. Even though I can’t seem to remember that most days.
So I am sending as much love as I possibly can across the Atlantic to you as I possibly can, because you are most defiantly worth it.
Maybe you’re a ‘scanner’… I’m reading this book by Barbara Sher, “Refuse to Chose!”. I just started but it makes sense… Honestly, I think we have to chose our own baseline of what normal or successful is… We all come from different places, comparing ourselves to others is a killer on the morale. There are months that I don’t even feel that I kicked ass any days, as in zip, zero. Just surviving is also accomplishing things. Often times I wonder how many shades of depressing can one go through. I know this time for me is not the big black hole of Oh, My, God, I fucked up everything and nothing is going to go well for me ever again, what am I doing here? – kind. Right now it’s the I got the kids fed and they have clean underwear on their homework is done and that’s good enough – kind.
I accept this as normal and go from there.
Best Wishes to You!
I have maybe 7 days a month I feel like I’m doing things right and am moderately successful. The rest of the time I wonder the same think. I feel like I’m a failure as a mom, as a wife and as an employee. I worry I’m a bad friend because I don’t feel like I ever have enough time to keep up with everyone. I have found it helps to go on a social media break for a week or two. It’s amazing to truly see how everyone’s shiny statuses make you feel like you’re not even close to competing. When you take a break, you see through the clouds and recognize that everyone is only sharing their best moments to fit in the crowd. They’re not sharing their dirty dishes left in the sink for a couple of days or the overflowing trashcan because you and your husband are in a standoff on who’s going to take it out. There’s nothing there to feed to their narcissistic need to share. Everyone’s just going for the “Likes”. You’re so normal.
I think I spend most of my days feeling as tho I am slogging thru this quicksand called life. Especially when I see a lot of my friends building careers or already successful. In my own defense, I was a successful dog groomer until about 6 years ago when I was diagnosed with a congenital connective tissue disorder, which gave me such bad chronic pain that working became too painful and tiring. I developed a serious addiction to Vicodin and Xanax, and started taking gabapentin.
It has taken 6 years, but I have a year clean from the addictive drugs. I still take 2400mgs of gabapentin a day, but that is non-narcotic and non-addictive. I also take 60mgs of cymbalta a day. The gabapentin has some odd side effects that I have had to overcome, but I am working on that. I learned from my best friend, to find at least one small positive thing to start each day, and build from there, and that has helped. I think that you need to take each day as it comes, or each hour if need be, and realize that all normal people have their ups and downs & anyone who says otherwise is either lying or pretending or something. People always have days where they feel like they aren’t accomplishing anything or haven’t accomplished what they were supposed to. You have done things I have always wanted to do: writing a book!! To me you are an inspiration.
I realize this comment is way too far down for you to ever see……but I’ve been reading everyone else’s comments and I hope this helps someone like some of the theirs did for me.
In May I lost my job. I don’t really remember June or July…..I have 1 or 2 days a month where I feel like I’m re-emerging from the tunnel….and then I go back. Monday I spent the entire day in bed thinking that if only we still had life insurance, I would kill myself so my husband and kids would have money. But today…..I bounced up and bought the makings for 7 layer dip to celebrate the opening day of football season. It seems there is no rhyme or reason to what makes a “good” day or a “bad” day.
Like you, I’m not looking for sympathy or back patting…. I want honest answers on how to be a human. I’ve failed at it for 45 years now, you’d think I’d be getting BETTER at it instead of WORSE!! haha
From the outpouring of comments, I’m sure you’ve figured out that it isn’t odd to feel this way. While I have never been diagnosed with any sort of mental illness, I have had several periods in my life where I the only thing that has interested me is laying in bed thinking about pathetic and unworthwhile (we’re going to pretend that’s a word) I am. What has helped me the most to feel like I am an active and contributing member of society is volunteering for something. It sounds do-gooder-ish, but really many of the times I’ve done it have been solely for selfish reasons. Even just doing something a couple hours a week has helped because (1) having something that I have to go do a set time makes me feel like I have a real life, (2) it’s only for a few hours so even if I’m having a shitastic day I can muddle through it, and (3) it usually forces me to remember that people do need me and that even by doing so little I am helping them improve their lives which are pretty invariably worse than mine. Hope this helps and always always always remember that there are lots of others going through the same things, who are glad to help others get out of it too.
I was a bit taken aback when I saw there were 860 comments already, and I haven’t read them all, but it’s important for me to comment, so here goes. It’s not just you. I’m older than you and can honestly say, EVERYBODY IS FUCKED UP in one way or another. Those pastel perfect people are not better or more together than you, they’re just better at APPEARING to be. If, at the end of the day, you and your family are still alive, that’s a good day, GO YOU. If I’ve learned anything on this carnival ride, it’s that everyone struggles, and those that are too hard on themselves need to lighten up. You have an amazing talent to put words together and affect millions – that counters the fact that you’re not a PTA mom. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
Some months I feel good for a week, maybe even two weeks at a time. Some months stretch out one after another and I don’t feel good a single day. I’m not sure how that would translate to days per month, so I’ll leave it at that.
I’m very much stuck in the long stretch of months filled with ‘nothing i do matters’ and I know it’s a lie but it sure can be persuasive all the same.
I’m not going to a doctor or anything, and I’m not on any medication. Sometimes I think I probably should be, but I can’t afford to do that and move out of the place I hate so… priorities can be a real bitch. Especially when I spend money to feel better, sometimes, even though I know I shouldn’t. It’s a pretty terrible catch 22 all around.
I am grateful though, I always remember the ‘better’ and I’m to a point where I know it will come back, eventually.
Jenny, I’ll have to go back and read this post again and again because everything you wrote about is how I have been feeling and I didn’t even know it until I read it. Does that make sense? I feel like I’ve been floundering, wandering around with no purpose. I sit here in tears because you put into words what I couldn’t, or maybe I didn’t want to (probably the latter), put into words myself. I’ve never stopped to think about how many days in a month I feel like I kicked ass or was successful. It wouldn’t be many. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed and do the things I am supposed to do (get up, get dressed, go to work for 8 hours, go to school for 3 hours, etc) let alone things that I would like to do or that would possibly make me happy. So, I just float. The sun rises, the sun sets, and I am none the better for any day that goes by.
I guess what I am trying to say is… you are not alone. And, because of you, I realize I am not alone either. Thank you for being you and sharing with us. I hope you find the answers you are looking for 🙂
“How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person?”
If I’m lucky 1 or 2.
“What makes you feel the worst?”
The damn dishes. My wife and I have split the chores so she does the laundry and I do the dishes. We divided it this way because her arthritis means she breaks a lot more dishes than I do when she does them. No matter how far behind she gets on the laundry, I still kick myself over undone dishes.
“What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?”
Talk to my five year old son. No matter what I do or do not achieve in terms of chores, work or home improvement / repair projects, no matter how frustrating finances get, I still take comfort in the fact that I am either a good Dad, or just really, really lucky.
I also spend time playing with our pet rabbits. No matter what else happens I never regret time spent with my son or fussing over the rabbits. I may not be accomplishing anything towards life goals, but it’s good, for a little while, to know I will never regret the moments I’m spending then and there.
I have never heard anyone describe my internal landscape so accurately. That was kinda spooky.
What I think is this DEPRESSION is not the only lying thing in our lives. I know you aren’t fishing for compliments and I am not gonna blow sunshine up your skirt…..but we are worthy of our existence and we are not just big piles of quivering failure.
Afterall I only have to think “knock knock motherfucker ” and I am filled with joy and laughter.
Cant be a failure and made so many people have that joy. CANNOT SISTER!!!,
What is this succesfulness you speak of? I do not understand. I think I feel like I haven’t been a complete failure a few times a month, but overall, I don’t think I’m a successful person. I just try not to be totally destructive most of the time. I look at my son and hope I’m not screwing him up beyond recovery. Outside of that, I don’t know. I love you.
I notice the post above me mentions yoga and I am reminded that I want to start practicing that again. I got a few days in a row in before I had to stop because I had no room. Now I have room again but haven’t had time. I need to stop making excuses and just do it. That’s my biggest downfall.
You are not alone. I still have boxes in my basement that have never been unpacked and I bought the house four years ago. I’m not married and don’t have kids, so I can’t relate to some of your stuff, but I went through an awful breakup earlier this year and the ensuing depression afterward, and sometimes I wonder if I’m making the best of my days. But I consider each day I get up and go to work and live my life and no longer lay around feeling sad to be a success. But I really only feel like I’ve kicked ass maybe 4-5 times a month. Maximum.
I feel like I have a rock on my chest at all times, pressing me way down in the dirt because I have a job that is suffocating me. That unhappiness compounds with guilt over not staying home with my girls, not baking flax-seed-blueberry-shut-the-fuck-up muffins like my very thin, very healthy girlfriends. I don’t keep up with fashion trends, my latest haircut transformed me into a soccer-mom and I often worry that my marriage won’t work.
The fashion trend/bad hair cut thing is not going to change anytime soon. But, if I could just find a way to get out of this job, I think the rest of the thick fog would lift. I wouldn’t be bitchy and anxious all the time. I would be able to spend more time with my twins, feeling like I was really doing what I was meant to do. Hopefully I would have more time and energy to finish the book I started and maybe I’d even sell the f’er!
I hope you find what you need to feel better. Having those feelings 1/4 of the time is crushing enough for me, I can’t imagine if it were more often. Sending prayers up for you today.
Not just you, at all.
I’m 36 and I have yet to know what being an adult feels like, because I can’t get my shit together enough to feel good enough about myself to qualify as an adult (in my head.)
However, I do take solace in the fact that most PTA moms are assholes (and PTAs as a group are rabid packs of dogs) so I CHOOSE not to take part in that, forget that I feel like an imposter.
Feels like you are inside my head. You have to know that hearing you (who I totally respect for your quirky humor and boldness) struggle with the same things I do makes me feel like I’m not alone. Yes, I too am on drugs and trying to deal with everyday life. Even when I feel successful at one thing, it doesn’t carry over to the rest of the crap. It’s not just you…and it’s not just me.
I spend at least half my life worrying “they’ll find out” or “they’ll know” find out what or know what? Mostly that I’m a fraud. That I don’t know as much as they (or I) think I do (even though most of the time I do). I’m just constantly worried that someone somewhere will find out. So I work really hard all the time, do a really excellent job, am really helpful, volunteer to help other people, constantly volunteer to teach classes in what I know, work overtime to help others get their work done, and yet… It’s still there, lurking. I raised my daughter as a single mom. She is a wonderful, balanced, slightly nutty young woman for whom I am totally responsible. But I can’t accept that screwed up me raised such a wonderful person. She must have done it herself. I’m on SSRIs, BP meds, been to counseling, etc, etc, etc. so we’re kind of in the same place. No, you’re not crazy (well, no put-awayable). I think that these might actually be normal anxieties. If not, let’s get adjoining rooms so we can play together, ok? 🙂
Deb
Sometimes I feel successful every day for a week. Earlier this year, I didn’t have a single day for months that I felt successful.
I’ve used that exact phrasing before–I’m a good person, but I’m not good at being a person.
Dude, Jenny, you’re just like everyone else, only brave enough to admit that you’re a disaster (and I say that lovingly – my husband and I, and both of our dogs, are all disasters). No one has their sh** together, even if they might look like they do. The picnic lady? She is there with her kids at the park because they won’t hang out with her at home, so she might as well follow them with some food. Or her husband is so mean that she has to leave the house. Your daughter and husband love you – that’s an accomplishment.
You’d be surprised how many of us barely make it through the day, but you have to get on with it. Get out of bed. Brush teeth. Shower. Dress. Work. And sometimes there’s a light bulb of inspiration or accomplishment that makes it more worth it. But every day is just the grind, they can’t all be winners in a significant way. You make the little things enjoyable instead.
Heck, I didn’t even make it to the bank today. So you’re ahead of me!
Never. Okay, maybe a few times a year? I mean, I thought I would do fairly big things, and I didn’t, and as a working mother, I feel guilty for being away from my kids and guilty for not being that committed to my job (and I work because I have to, not because I want to), and I don’t know why I’m so hard on myself. Ego, I guess. I feel like I should be more. But I don’t expect that of other people.
You are definitely not alone. I’m attempting to finish a bachelor’s degree.
At 38.
I am apparently smart, but you couldn’t prove it by me. I don’t FEEL smart. I have a hard time being motivated to finish the papers, and projects, and schedule tests that I have to take. When I do turn something in, usually the feedback is excellent….and I’m wondering what the hell did they ACTUALLY read, because that couldn’t possibly have been my paper!
I put on a good front for my family and friends. But right now, I’m sitting here, needing a shower and a hair wash, goofing off on the internet because I have zero fucks left to give. The motivation is not there.
I feel like this regularly. For me, this is because I’ve fallen into a rut and now I generally really don’t TRY all that much. I feel stuck in a job I could be great at, but with a company that I’m finding out is totally full of shit. I apply for new jobs and regularly harass my dream company, but am getting nowhere and I feel stuck. I think about going back to school, but then I remember the mountain of student loan debt I’m already buried under and the fact that I would have to get even more loans to go back to school and I feel stuck. I’ve been coordinating our community service events and corporate events at work, which I’m finding out I am really very good at. I feel glimmers of hope that maybe this is my calling, but then I realize that jobs like that don’t exactly pay me enough to actually live on in this grossly inflated area, so . . . you guessed it, I feel stuck. I think about what a lunatic dog lady I’ve become since I got my dog and how stupendously, furiously happy I would be if I could work with dogs or run a rescue. And then the reality of the necessity of food and shelter that is not my parents’ house comes roaring back in and I feel stuck.
Am I just not brave enough to take a chance and leap? Am I allowing all of this external fuckery to mess up my internal views and motivation? I have no goddamn clue. I’m trying to live by the old maxim, “If you’re going to be a paper delivery girl for the rest of your days, just be the best paper delivery girl you can be and you will be a success.” It only seems to be working about a quarter of the time. And it still doesn’t change the fact that I need fucking food and a place to live and electricity and, let’s face it, high-speed internet is as much a necessity as anything else. I’m single, so unless my dog starts getting off his ass and hooking on the street corner, I have no one to rely on but myself. When it’s going well, that feels exhilarating, but lately it’s just feeling lonely and really fucking difficult.
I just started reading that book “The Happiness Project,” hopefully that’ll be my golden ticket and I can find some motivation and learn how to find the answers. If not, I may just live in a cardboard box. With fifty dogs. Or maybe a life coach would be a slightly less dramatic option.
Maybe these things called anxiety, depression, ADD and the 100’s of others are really just life. You’ve got some good days, some bad days, some half-ass days and 1 good hair day a month, that’s your quota. And then there’s that 1 day that you’ve got your shit together and really get some stuff done. These days we are all forced to hyper-focus on these things if we watch TV or read a magazine or paper or even talk to friends who have friends who are having a shitty day. The drug commercials make us think we’re ALL crazy or have restless legs or shift work disorder. Bull shit. Therapist, doctors and drug companies have an intere$t in making us think something is wrong with the way we feel. It keeps ya comin’ back for more. There’s no money in being ‘well’. And what’s the problem with not wanting to focus on boring stuff? Who in their right mind wants to do that?! Those are the ‘crazy people’.
I don’t know you, but I’ve been reading you for several years and lack of success is nothing I would have ever associated with you. That being said, I know how it can feel like you’ve achieved nothing despite having pieces of paper that say you are achieving things. I have two degrees from prominent institutions and a job that most classify as ‘good.’ But….for a multitude of reasons I go to bed most nights considering if giving up everything and becoming a transient would be a better use of my time. I try all sorts of things to feel better about what I’ve achieved and where I am in life, even if it isn’t where I planned to be, but mostly, I spend a lot of time hoping everyone else can see that I’m a failure.
So I get this. And I send you hugs. And I promise, you are so far from a failure.
Oh god, it’s not just you. I have a friend who has an outwardly perfect life and she spends all of her time wishing she had my life. And I know for a fact that those PTA moms (I have a friend who is one of those too) do it because they need SOMETHING to do because without it they’d be some bored they’d drink a lot or worse.
For my part, my friends “complement” me by telling me that “you’re such a good single person”–WTF does that mean? That I don’t sit at home 24 hours a day because I’m not in a relationship? That I don’t whore myself as a way to get SOME attention, no matter how pathetic that would be? I spend a ton of time wondering why I’m not good enough to have found someone to love me in spite of my short comings. And I think about where I could find such a person. The world is set up for extroverts and young people to find love. I’m neither any more. And wow, the dudes who like me on online dating sites often can’t get over my low bar of “has a job and can make conversation”. It makes me sad to think that I might never get married. But I soldier on, being good at being single because it’s what the world expects me to do.
So, nah you’re doing good Jenny. We’re all out here faking it.
XO
I feel you. I have 2-3 days out of 28 that I feel I am a worthwhile contributor to society. I have clinical depression, anxiety disorder, and ADD. I go to therapy about twice a month to keep off the ledge. I think if we ever met, we’d totally GET each other.
If it makes you feel any better, there’s been two times I saw metal chickens at farmer’s markets, took a pic, and posted it to your page to let you know I was thinking of you.
We went to STL this weekend and I saw a GIGANTIC brightly painted metal chicken and thought of you. You are my heroine. Or heroin. Somedays it’s the same thing.
Oh, wow. I probably don’t feel SUCCESSFUL a ton of days a month, but then again, somewhere along the way I’ve learned to lower my expectations for myself. I went through a low period last winter–maybe not full-blown depression, but I had a hard time motivating myself to do anything productive. I sort of surprised myself this summer after it was all over and I had to deal with some of the repercussions of the stasis I floated around in for that time, that I didn’t freak out and stress out. I just sort of mentally shrugged and let it go; I couldn’t get those days back, so I just plowed on ahead. l I wish I could tell you WHY or HOW I managed to stop beating myself up over these types of days, but I have no idea. So I just want to say that I love you. And I look forward to both funny posts and honest, raw ones like this one. I’m a pray-er, so I’ll definitely pray for you to find a solution and some peace.
Darling, let me tell you something about Pretty Picnic Basket People:
They don’t know jack about something I like to call real life. I know, I’ve met them. They’ve never had a rough day in their entire life, for whatever reason they’ve always had the easy road, always got what they wanted, or at the very least what they needed and often times they never had to suffer to get it. I’m not saying they might not have worked hard for it, that’s not the same thing. They’ve never gone without food, or wondered where the money for the rent would come from or looked into a doctor’s face and wondered if he could see the fear in their eyes.
And do you know what happens to them when adversity finally strikes? (because it always does, like death and taxes no one’s luck holds out forever.) They fold like a castle made of playing cards.
Now let me tell you something about you:
Thorton Wilder had something to say about you, (And don’t tell me he didn’t know you, you’ve no idea who the Doctor’s been letting in that blue box so don’t argue.) In his short play “The Angel that Troubled the Waters” he tells the story of a man broken down by life’s adversity who seeks healing. But the angel who can heal him denies him. The angel tells him: “Without your wound where would your power be?…In Love’s service only the wounded soldier can serve.”
And that’s you.
The world is a screwed up place and there are far too few who will say it out loud and there are far too many who think there’s something wrong with them because all they could manage to do was fold the laundry today. But they can come here and they can have someone tell them that Depression Lies, that they are beautiful and wonderful and even if they are a little warped and crazy they are still special.
And that is what you give, every single day, even the ones when it’s an accomplishment to get to the bank. You take a world filled with tears and bad hair days and Xanax and empty it out and fill it up again with giant metal chickens and ethically taxidermed weasels in dresses.
And that is a far greater and more magical accomplishment than organic cupcakes for 30 9-year-olds.
I feel like a failure every single day of my life.
Jenny,
One of your most striking features is your bravery. Now granted, considering that you lock yourself in a bathroom due to anxiety certainly does not appear to be brave, but your openness and willingness to challenge your fears is. You may slide down the hill and have not reached the summit, but you are so much higher up than, I bet, you thought possible.
As for being an imposter, actually that is a common feature of very successful people. For one good thing about it, you won’t just assume you are great and will continue to work. Another, you will remember where you came from and what is really important. This is exemplified by your giving back. Being a celebrity won’t spoil you – that is no Miley Cyrus routines (unless it is a parody.)
As for your daughter, children accept the world because they don’t know any different. While you want to be strong and always wear your parent face, she will also learn by how you gracefully deal with adversity. So you can’t make PTA meetings, it is not the end of the world. I doubt that in the future, you two will be having a screaming match and she will throw that in your face. (If she does, please write about it.)
Wabi-sabi
You are flawed and incomplete, as are we all.
“In everything, no matter what it may be, uniformity is undesirable. Leaving something incomplete makes it interesting, and gives one the feeling that there is room for growth. Someone once told me, “Even when building the imperial palace, they always leave one place unfinished.” In both Buddhist and Confucian writings of the philosophers of former times, there are also many missing chapters.”
? Kenko Yoshida, Essays in Idleness: The Tsurezuregusa of Kenko
It is not just you.
I have never been very good at being a person either. The everyday things that people often assume you can manage seem like mountains. And when you share your life with someone else as I’m sure you know… this inability to function can cause… issues. This year was our breaking point, it has been a very long time coming – and there are up days and down days. When I re-read my old blog http://eternalequations.blogspot.ca/ I finally saw just how much time I as spending analyzing why I didn’t do things, and how much I celebrated when I managed to accomplish something… how much energy I as putting into all of that.. and none into my own life – especially when i come sto doing more then just existing. Sure I manage to keep an okay(ish) house, meaning we’re not downing in garbage, we have groceries (mostly), and clean clothes (most days) etc… but I’m not enjoying life – heck I barely read for pleasure… so much energy (or lack thereof) is put towards worrying about how crap I am at life…
I lost sight of all the really important things… http://onesundaythatsummer.blogspot.ca/2013/07/that-sunday.html and almost really lost the most important things in my life because of it. I’m trying hard to turn things around – refocus – not just on the “real” things, but myself – what I want out of life.
http://onesundaythatsummer.blogspot.ca/2013/07/that-sunday.html
Thanks again Jenny, for your post and inviting the comments that help us feel not so alone. I too think this is all normal – with or without mental illness. And I agree with Courtney G…Facebook should be avoided, especially when we’re feeling low. I think it was Mark Twain who wrote “Comparison is the death of joy.” And I remind myself often that depression lies – forever grateful for seeing that ‘mantra’ on your blog.
Surely the number of replies answers your questions…
Every day, I think that if people knew the real me they’d back away slowly. My darling – who for some reason loves me – tells me I’m good. Most days I don’t even believe her.
x
This struck a chord with me. Lately I’ve known that I’m doing a lot and accomplishing a lot but just feel like a big failure. Part of this is perfectionism, part comparing myself to other people, part is just having a busy life and a large part is having my brain stuck in a rut of negative thinking brought about by situational depression. The fact that I noticed the rut at all, is a milestone.
So. I went back to something a therapist had me do in my 20s. She told me to write a list of at least 15 things that I felt good about, that I accomplished every day. No room for “I only did 1/2 the dishes.” It was all about “I did dishes.” Over and over, day after day. Quite difficult at first to find even 15 things and you have to be willing to let the negative thoughts slide away you also have to be willing to just let the negatives be there. As in, see that rut of negativity? It’s still there. Don’t fall in.
This time around (20 years later) I’m not actually writing the list. I decided there is far too little celebration in my life right now. So, I decided to celebrate the mundane. Instead of writing the list, I say “Yahoo! I did the dishes” and I force myself to dance at least a short dance of joy. Yay! I went to work. Yay! I put my son’s clothes away! Yay! I watched two episodes of Dr. Who. It’s weird but it’s enough of a speed bump to knock my brain out of that rut. Providing me seconds, sometimes whole minutes of joy with myself and my accomplishments.
Hopefully the negativity rut will slowly be filled and covered. Wouldn’t that be nice?
It’s not just you. I feel the same most days, and try to remember the last time I consistently felt like I was winning. It’s always back in the foggy recesses of time, which I’m pretty sure never actually happened.
You might enjoy this Ted Talk where Brene Brown discusses the power of vulnerability: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html. She’s awesome.
I recently spoke at my church about dealing with shame. You may not be Christian but I still want to share it in case it is helpful to you: http://www.springfieldvineyard.org/sermons/good-grief.
Sincerely,
-April
For what it’s worth, I was leading one of those pastel lives complete with a used picnic basket and now I am going through a divorce after my husband cheated on me twice (the second time with my best friend) and I just moved from my beautifully restored 5 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom apartment. What I’m saying is that all that glitters is not gold and you have a million people who think you are fucking awesome in all of your broken glory. Also, I’m on my last roll of toilet paper and I don’t plan to go to the store anytime soon.
I feel the same way a lot of the time. I feel like feeding my neopets and tumbling down tumblr should not be the only things I can accomplish in a day.
I feel useful and accomplished maybe a couple times a month, never more than five. I have to force myself to take twenty minutes out of the day to shower ever three days. I don’t always remember to change my underwear each day. I’ve been wearing the same dress since Tuesday.
It’s not just you. It’s not just me either.
Here is the big secret that no one ever tells you… we all are fraud… big giant bundles of faking it everyday, some of us just wear better masks. All of those perfect people you see, they are all just the same. So…Arise..Go Forth…and Fake it (like all the rest of us)
P.S. Feel free to tel me I’m wrong… I’m wrong about everything
oh my… I’m so sorry! I thought it was just me. I’m weeping from the weight of your (as always) elequent description of my – everyday… I’m so sorry! ( OH – by the way? It’s not just you… ) Most days, I can’t even name ONE THING I accomplished, because I’m so focused on what I “didn’t”…
I honestly have no memory of whether or not my parents were a part of the PTA growing up. I do remember that when my father finally went back to work (after a longstanding bout of depression and unemployment), and that job was as a janitor at my parochial school, I was too proud of him to even think of being embarrassed. And that was junior high, when embarrassment is the primary reaction to anything parents do.
I aim for 1 day a week to feel like I’m getting shit done. That’s a successful week for me. As long as I’m eating, going to work, and sleeping (and keeping my pets alive) the rest of the week, I’m doing well. I can definitely relate to the feeling of treading water. But, hey, treading water is an important skill (and a good workout), right?
One last thing – about those people who never have unwashed hair. That can’t be good for their hair.
Everyone feels down, you more than most from the looks of it. But carry on with the cognitive therapy that stuff takes forever but has good results and hopefully it’ll help you! All about changing the way you look at things and yourself negatively, and replace it with more healthier positive views. I hope you kick all your mental illnesses in the but cause your cool and funny, and you need to carry that shit on! Hope you feel better!
Jenny,
One of your most striking features is your bravery. Now granted, considering that you lock yourself in a bathroom due to anxiety certainly does not appear to be brave, but your openness and willingness to challenge your fears is. You may slide down the hill and have not reached the summit, but you are so much higher up than, I bet, you thought possible.
As for being an imposter, actually that is a common feature of very successful people. For one good thing about it, you won’t just assume you are great and will continue to work. Another, you will remember where you came from and what is really important. This is exemplified by your giving back. Being a celebrity won’t spoil you – that is no Miley Cyrus routines (unless it is a parody.)
As for your daughter, children accept the world because they don’t know any different. While you want to be strong and always wear your parent face, she will also learn by how you gracefully deal with adversity. So you can’t make PTA meetings, it is not the end of the world. I doubt that in the future, you two will be having a screaming match and she will throw that in your face. (If she does, please write about it.)
Wabi-sabi
You are flawed and incomplete, as are we all.
“In everything, no matter what it may be, uniformity is undesirable. Leaving something incomplete makes it interesting, and gives one the feeling that there is room for growth. Someone once told me, “Even when building the imperial palace, they always leave one place unfinished.” In both Buddhist and Confucian writings of the philosophers of former times, there are also many missing chapters.”
? Kenko Yoshida, Essays in Idleness: The Tsurezuregusa of Kenko
Online personas are very carefully crafted. Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest.. all of it. People make a conscious decision of what gets posted and what doesn’t. So it makes sense that a majority only allow their shiniest moments to make the cut. The PTA moms who throw themselves into their kids’ school activities may need a hobby because their husbands are always at work and they’re unhappy in their marriages. The perfect Pinterest post that you see may be the 437th attempt that actually worked out right.. you just don’t get to see the 436 previous products that were crap.
It’s really hard not to measure ourselves against others. I do it, and sometimes think I’m less than I am because of it. But I have to remember that I am completely unique. No one has the exact same history, family, personality, thoughts, dreams, or friendships that I do. By extension, what my every day looks like is going to be different than say your every day. AND THAT’S OK. I may not kick butt and take names on a daily basis, but if I get to the end of the day and feel neutral or even (gasp) content, I think I’m doing ok.
We took our youngest daughter to the bus stop this morning. 4 years of school drop offs and this was her first time not walking back home with us, instead disappearing down the road swallowed up in the big yellow bus. As we waited for the bus another parent came speeding down the road. She hopped out and walked with her son to the stop. After a time she and he had an exchange about the weight of his back pack. She promised it would never be this heavy again, that he would leave his supplies at school. I quietly did the math that they had not gone to the classroom ‘drop in’ thing we had done the day before. Five minutes later the dad drove by, quickly turned his car around and came to stand with us all. He mentioned he had missed the bus for his older son earlier. I nodded and shared that we’d only just made it because we showed up uncharacteristically early. It had been more than five minutes early, while the bus we waited for ended up being more than 10 minutes late.
This long ramble is just to say that it never occurred to me that other parents struggled. Most days at the bus stop I experience a moment of panic that I forgot to zip my pants and the seasonal decorative house flags? They make me feel like I don’t deserve to live in a neighborhood, but everyone is just scraping by. We may not all have the same number of good days or bad days, but I do think most of us think we are measuring way less valuable, worthwhile etc than we ought to be.
xo
Well said, Jenny. I’ll share a piece of me and how I deal with exactly what you describe. Now I I will sound like a bitch, but hey, you asked for the truth. I think most people are completely full of shit. Most people are frauds. You can “feel” those that are authentic and I try super hard to surround myself with as many as these people as I can, hoping that this quality will rub off on me. As for myself being a fraud, I have to remind myself often that this is the best I can do with the tools I’ve been given. And, I keep trying employ my awesome ability to ignore the pile of papers on my desk and apply it to to my concerns of how I come across to others. Easier said than done, but on occasion- I am successful.
Jenny,
One of your most striking features is your bravery. Now granted, considering that you lock yourself in a bathroom due to anxiety certainly does not appear to be brave, but your openness and willingness to challenge your fears is. You may slide down the hill and have not reached the summit, but you are so much higher up than, I bet, you thought possible.
As for being an imposter, actually that is a common feature of very successful people. For one good thing about it, you won’t just assume you are great and will continue to work. Another, you will remember where you came from and what is really important. This is exemplified by your giving back. Being a celebrity won’t spoil you – that is no Miley Cyrus routines (unless it is a parody.)
As for your daughter, children accept the world because they don’t know any different. While you want to be strong and always wear your parent face, she will also learn by how you gracefully deal with adversity. So you can’t make PTA meetings, it is not the end of the world. I doubt that in the future, you two will be having a screaming match and she will throw that in your face. (If she does, please write about it.)
Wabi-sabi
You are flawed and incomplete, as are we all.
“In everything, no matter what it may be, uniformity is undesirable. Leaving something incomplete makes it interesting, and gives one the feeling that there is room for growth. Someone once told me, “Even when building the imperial palace, they always leave one place unfinished.” In both Buddhist and Confucian writings of the philosophers of former times, there are also many missing chapters.”
? Kenko Yoshida, Essays in Idleness: The Tsurezuregusa of Kenko
I don’t have a mental illness and feel like you several times a week! I worked in a job for 26 years that I have no education for and feel like an imposter constantly but co-workers and supervisors tell me I’m good at my job and on those very rare occasion it is even obvious to me that occasionally “I do kick ass” when the situation calls for it. My hobby/life is my dogs. I breed, raise and train them, they are what keeps me sane but I could do a lot more with them then I do because I lack personal motivation so when a test or trial comes up I kick myself for not being ready and accuse myself of neglecting my dogs. Sometimes I feel like a bitch to my hubby, friends, family and co-workers. I believe I am actually known for it. I want to be better all the time but I don’t have the energy. I am judgmental and want to change. I want to be a better mother, wife, sister, daughter. What you feel is normal, even the seemingly perfect people feel this way. Society in general and our own perceptions makes us feel inadequate.Something one smart lady once wrote really hit home for me “Depression Lies”. (wonder who that was?) We are too tall/too short, boobs are too big/too small, too skinny/too fat. Kids/no kids, bottle feed/breast feed, job/no job. You my dear are not perfect. You never will be. I am not perfect, I never will be. Take your meds, do your therapy, change what you can, accept what you can’t, bask in the love and support of your friends and family and do your best to live YOUR life not someone else’s. It is impossible to be perfect and all things to everyone. You will have good days and you will have bad days but you are loved flaws and all and you need to come to terms with that. I know you have been told to use the power of positive self talk rather then to continue to be eaten up by your own mistaken thoughts and impressions of yourself. You need to get a better perspective on how truly fascinating and wonderful you really are not only to people you live and love with every day but to those you reach, even if only briefly, with your words and actions as you go through your life’s journey. The only way this is going to happen is if you start to believe it. The only way you are going to believe it is if you first start telling yourself. I am good person and this is why……..
It is extremely rare that I have a day where at the end of it I feel that I have accomplished anything at all of worth or value. I basically go through the motions of the things that I *should* do each day, and then I go to sleep (if I’m lucky) and wake up the next morning and do it again. When/if I’m lucky, I might have a moment in a day that makes me feel like I’m worth existing, but the feeling is fleeting and I quickly go back to just being. The comfort I take in the way I live my life is that I try my best not to harm anyone else or get in the way of living their lives as they want to, and sometimes getting out of other peoples’ way is the best that I can do.
So, I don’t know if any of this makes sense or goes along with what you’re describing, but I think it has some shared truth? In any case, you’re clearly not alone in struggling with the day to day, as evidenced by the plethora of comments before mine.
It’s definitely not just you. I only feel like a moderately successfully functioning adult human being maybe twice a month. Of course, I’m generally drunk when I feel that way.
One of the most helpful things I’ve ever read was in a note I received from my sister (who may have gotten it from YOU, or eCards, or who knows): You are living an unedited documentary while watching everyone else’s highlight reel. ~ Your highlight reel, by the way, looks awesome. Congratulations on the excellent editing.
i’d say that I feel successful about 15 days a month – but that’s totally seasonal and runs with the stages of my life. i’m kinda in a low spot right now. i am 40ish and I am beginning to feel like I don’t really fit in anywhere. I left my profession to raise my family and I’ve only dabbled in jobs since and now that I am quickly approaching middle age I feel like I have few friends (the friends I used to have because of my four kids has loosened up), no real work, and a questionable “future.” I feel really awful when my kids act like $hits because at my heart I think that’s the most important thing, y’know? that my kids are okay. I don’t really have a true profession now – I haven’t been a school administrator in 8 years, so now it’s really just raising my kids and working an odd assortment of bill-paying jobs. so, when my kids have had a $hitty day or are just acting like beserkers then it makes me feel rotten. I feel successful when everything runs smoothly – as in we are all getting along and there have been no catastrophes and I have accomplished what I set out to accomplish at the day’s start (sometimes it’s just one task, sometimes it’s a whole buttload of tasks). I’m so happy you posted this because it’s hard to discuss this kind of thing with the friends I do have (I don’t wanna be a Debbie downer) and I really want to know what other people are like.
It’s definitely not just you. I only feel like a moderately successfully functioning adult human being maybe twice a month. Of course, I’m generally drinking when I feel that way.
I think we’re all just faking it until we make it. I’ve drastically changed my meaning of “success” since my daughter was born. If I manage to make the bed and do the dishes before my husband gets home, hurrah! SUCCESS! If I manage to finish this semester without all of my hair falling out from stress and without a mental breakdown, hurrah! SUCCESS! Some days, surviving to see the next day is success. If you’re managing to keep yourself functioning, even at a base level, that’s being a successful human… Everything else is just icing on the lifecake. Now, if I can keep reminding myself of that while I’m obsessing over everything I did NOT do today, that’ll be a success!
I’d say there are 2-3 days a month that I feel like I really kicked ass. I never thought of myself as particularly mentally ill. Everyone thinks of me as super positive, but almost every day I get a little depressed, and do something relaxing to make myself feel better. I watch a favorite show, eat something nice, take a walk in the sunshine. That means that apart from maybe one day a month that absolutely sucks, from a self-worth standpoint, the lion’s share of days are a balance between depression and joy, with me trying to tip the scale toward joy, but generally getting a pretty even match. The thing that works the best to tip the scale only works if I can employ it Before I get depressed. Exercise. If I can go for a run in the morning (for example), before depression sucks out my energy, it acts like a protective for my emotional state, making me depression-proof for at least eight hours.
Jenny,
A football game is 60 minutes. The actual amount of Action in that game is 11 minutes. That is like 20%. The players just stand around for the other 49 minutes. The average play is about 6 to 7 seconds. 11 minutes is 660 seconds. So each play is 1% of the actual actions time. Great things happen in those 6-7 seconds. Great amazing feats of strength and athleticism. 1% of the activity can make or break a player. flashes of brilliance in 6-7 seconds.
Football players have to practice a ton to get to those 6-7 seconds.
Lawyers Practice Law. Doctors Practice medicine. Those days that are not your 3 to 4 that you feel okay, you are practicing life. I practice everyday hoping for 6-7 seconds of brilliance or just at least 1%. I take medicine for Dysthymia. most days I am practicing life.
3-4 days a month is good. Not great but good. Try to make it to 10–then try to make it to 15, then 20. The rest of the time just practice life.
I love that you say exactly what I’m thinking and that 700+ people chime in to say, “oh my god, me too, I thought I was the only one!” Last weekend was the first time in I honestly can’t even tell you how long that I thought, “I’m good enough; I’m smart enough; and gosh darnit, people like me!” and believed it. The rest of the time, I am agonizing over how little I get accomplished at work and at home (and how much my coworkers must hate me for being such a slacker and that I’ll get fired if anyone ever found out just how little I actually do).
I have endless lists to help keep me on track (that rarely work); but one thing I have started doing that is making a difference is keeping a small notebook with me and whenever I do something or go somewhere that makes me feel good; I write it down. That way, at the end of the year when I get all those goddamned Christmas letters that go on an on about what all my amazingly accomplished friends have done, I can remind myself that I didn’t “do nothing worth noting” again this year. It also makes me smile to look through it and think, “oh yeah, that was fun!” It doesn’t even have to be something major; just something that I enjoyed. My second favorite entry so far (I’m sure you can guess the first ;oP ) was helping my cousin to find her car in SF in the rain after she forgot where she parked =oD
It’s a catch 22. In my life, I have a great support group. I feel good most of the time. I feel great/shitty, very rarely. But that great support group is addicting. They can change my mood in a willy of a second, so I have to always be sure that my people are positive. If I get hooked on a negative one, I spiral. Keep the good ones, and toss the bad. And find drugs that work. Happiness shouldn’t elude you like it is.
Nah, it’s not just you. I think MOST people feel that way, they just don’t talk about it. It reminds me of that story “The Emperor’s New Clothes”, where we’re all just buying into this mass delusion that the marketers and the media are selling us, because noone wants to speak out and look ‘uncool’. And make no mistake, a lot of it IS about money. As long as the big corporations selling shit can convince all of us sheeples that we are inadequate without their latest expensive cars, houses, TVs, etc — well, they have us right where they want us –stuck on that consumerism treadmill buying their crap in pathetic attempts to boost our self-esteem, never stopping to realize that self-esteem comes from the INSIDE.
Do yourself and your mental health a favor — DON’T DRINK THE KOOLAID.
P.S. Experiment: Quit watching the boob tube (and all those insane commercials full of airbrushed people) for a few weeks and notice how much happier you get.
I’m a teacher and I feel successful maybe once a week, usually when the children have opened their eyes wide and discovered something new. I have only suffered from mild depression, I think I’m generally happy, but feeling self confident and proud happens very very rarely. I feel lucky far, far more often.
I very rarely have a day where I feel like I have accomplished anywhere close to the right amount of things I should have done that day. I always feel like I should have done more. I never get enough housework done, I never spend enough time with my kids, I never do enough at work. These are my feelings, not anyone else’s. Any time I get complimented I feel like a liar for accepting it. Like, if they knew the truth, they wouldn’t have said it. My electricity gets shut off, or my tv or whatever and I sit and cry because I feel like I should have had my shit together long before. I’m constantly reminding myself that no one’s life is as good as it looks. Those amazing parents who somehow seem to get it all done without a problem are either just a lot better at hiding it than I am, or they are friggin aliens. Either way, I do what I can, I know that if I didn’t get enough done, oh well, because we are all healthy and fed and doing good. So what if those dishes are there too long. I don’t care, or at least I try not to beat myself up about it.
Don’t judge yourself based on what other people can do. If we all lived that way, no one would be happy with themselves. Remind yourself, “That chick might seem to have her shit together, but I bet her husbands cheating on her” or….you know, add your own. It’s whatever. 🙂 Also, you help me. Reading your blogs always helps, because I’d much rather be crazy and fun like the people here, than be someone else’s version of normal.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I feel successful probably 3-6 day a month. I get up and get my son ready for school and then…..? I GO BACK TO BED! Because I’m so tired all the time! Yesterday was a success because I cleaned out the car! I didn’t have to take a nap. But today I did. Until past noon. To me I’m a failure today. =( I’ll probably fail tomorrow and I have so much time to do things and I’m afraid of getting a real job because my brain is so fucked up and everything is fast paces and I’m NOT fast paced. So I will FAIL at a real job so I’m going to try my hand at making Irish dance costumes.
That is life. That is all our lives. Your life is my life-except I haven’t written a book, I’ve painted paintings. And, as a matter of fact, I’ve bought my daughter your book-when the hell are you going to buy one of my paintings?! I’m 60 yrs old, it doesn’t change-my advice, just accept it so you can be happy!
Imperfection is the new perfection. You can’t do everything right, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try. It’s a good thing to realize your faults so you can think of how to improve. We all could use some work on ourselves.
I, for one, prefer to be a little depressive and slight pessimistic (though I’m more of realist than anything)- because I think it helps me to see things for how they are and to not be arrogant. As opposed to those super peppy bitches that can’t even understand simple concepts and are too moronic to understand that they are lacking in intelligence.
You specifically, well, what is your idea of success? What is it that you are looking for? You have one successful book, though I’d like for you to have more, do you need more? You did it once, mission accomplished. You don’t need to be an over achiever 😉 Your blog is amazing (I found it through cakewrecks by the way). It has helped me find many entertaining websites- like ze frank and wtf evolution, and bored shorts tv. You aren’t just funny; you’re also thought provoking. It seems like you’re pretty likable, seeing how this post when I started would be number 900 (I swear it was 774, but I just looked and it said 899). You’ve got a lot of reading to do
I understand what you mean though about not feeling successful. I have three associates degrees, a bachelors, and a multitude of certificates- I’m over $70,000 in debt, at the age of 27, and I still only make $13 an hour. I think everything I do could be done better and that I am mediocre at best. Nothing seems really real to me. I am always surprised that I exist and that other things exist too. Odd statement I know. But this body doesn’t seem to fit me, my voice is very strange, and nothing about my existence really seems to make sense. I am trying to make myself useful to the world- which people don’t seem to understand, because everybody is a little crazy, but that is just how the brain works- it’s some messed up shit really, but fascinating. If I don’t find something, than what was the point anyway?
So, though you are unique, you aren’t alone in these thoughts. And I am beginning to wonder if maybe they aren’t just perfectly normal. Keep doing what you’re doing, it seems useful to the world and useful to you too.
I always think that someone is going to find me out. That’s I’m an artistic fraud. That my art is really just crap and my ‘standards’ are just a sham and other people I think have shit work are the ones on par. I’ve learned to fake it when I have to, in social situations. But I hate having to do that. People see me and probably think I have my shit together but it’s honestly held together with duct tape, spit, and positive thoughts. I never thought about how many days I feel like I have this…..and it’s certainly less than a week a month. I mostly feel like I kick ass when I get all my preset ideas for the day done…working out, good meal, errands, laundry, etc. Most days maybe one of those gets done, and it’s usually food because I love to cook. Anyway. You’re not alone, no way.
Keys to happiness (or just getting through the day)
1. Don’t measure yourself by the rulers of other people.
2. Every day above ground is a good one.
3. Love yourself and to hell with the rest. Unconditionally. Fuck ’em all.
4. Realize and accept that nothing, absolutely nothing, in the universe is as important as #3.
5. Nothing is worth making yourself sick over. Fuck ’em. You can bet your ass other people are just as insecure, measuring themselves against everyone else (including you), and feeling as if they too are coming up short.
I feel successful maybe about as much as you do, sometimes less. I wouldn’t get out of bed most days if not for the fact that we’d lose our house if I didn’t. I put on a happy face at work for the customers and they love me, but it makes me feel like a pile of flaming shit and takes so much energy that I feel I’ve worked 16 hours instead of 8. I don’t believe the people who seem to have it so together really exist. I think the shining hair and smiling faces are a veneer, a facade, to hide the struggles that are their lives. They feel the need to have the approval, and perhaps even envy, of those around them and so they try harder to look like the perfect person/couple/family. No one is perfect, everyone struggles and life sucks. We all just muddle through it the best we can. You are not alone hun. 🙂
I’m holding back tears while I read your post right now because your words and feelings sound like the internal monologue that’s been going through my head for the last few weeks. I don’t have any experience with depression but i think that might be what I have, although I’ve never had it before and wonder that maybe I’m just reading into it too much. For the last few weeks I have struggled to get out of bed or even off of my couch. The only thing that keeps me going is taking care of my kids and putting on a façade for my husband. Otherwise I have no motivation to do anything, not even things that I usually enjoy. I haven’t told anyone because I’m afraid it will look like I’m trying to get attention or something. I don’t care about how I look, rarely bother to even shower, and constantly think only about everything that I am doing wrong. I know I probably should talk to someone or see someone but I’m afraid that no one will take me seriously. I’m not suicidal, it just feels like a black cloud that I can block with an umbrella of forced normalcy but it’s still always there, I’m just the only one who sees it. I have so much to be happy about but I just can’t focus on it, it’s blurry.
I found you through my lovely wife, who deals with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. You’re not just an inspiration for her, but to me, as well: your candidness about your mental health issues has helped me understand what my wonderful wife is dealing with but never had the words to describe; your honesty has helped me become a better husband. I cannot thank you enough for that.
Funny thing is, I feel like a fraud about 90% of the time. I’m smart, but nearly as smart as people think; I’m talented, but nearly as talented as I’d like. I’ve been working as a professional graphic designer for 18 years now, and it still feels like I’m making it up as I go; I’ve been singing in a cover band for 5 years now, and it still feels like the audience is pointing and laughing when I’m on stage. And while I pride myself on having friends smarter and/or more talented than myself, I do find myself comparing myself unfavorably to them more often than I should. What you described in your post is how I feel, too, and I’m not the one dealing with major mental health problems in my family.
I think creative, artistic people almost always have to deal that feeling of we’re not doing enough, what we are doing isn’t good enough, and it’s all just a matter of time before someone realizes we aren’t who they think we are. I think that’s the trade-off – when the Universe blesses you with creativity, the Universe curses you with doubt, as well.
When it comes to this, I think you’re normal, sweetie.
You are SO not the only one.
In bloggerland, I feel like even the most perfect polished mommy bloggers occasionally let their guard down and show us the messiness that is a part of everyone’s life.
I maybe have one day a week where I feel like I kicked ass, but invariably it’s at the expense of something else.
I create something awesome, but I have no clean underwear because laundry hasn’t been done in like three weeks. Or my house looks beautiful, but my library books are overdue and I haven’t even opened them. Or I have a really productive day at my day job, but I am exhausted when I get home and don’t have it in me to pursue my passions.
I make these lists and think I’m going to take it on and do some awesome shit, but they’re always overly ambitious and there are never enough hours in the day or enough gas in my tank (literally or figuratively, take your pick). I started making lists of things I did to make me feel better. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
But you’re not alone.
In August I was told that every.single.person in my office had complained about me. It was a lie, but that didn’t make it hurt less. I applied for new jobs and luckily found one. Now I want to throw up because I don’t know how my new boss can have faith in me. I’m 30 but I feel the same inside as I did in high school.
I had this week off in between jobs and have had to stop myself from buying things and maxing out my credit cards. I see how easily people can get into debt. My parents and sister pride themselves on paying off their full balances each month. I pride myself on remember to pay my bills (if I remember).
I don’t know if I’ve felt like a good person at all in the last month.
I’m willing to bet that half of those perfect PTA moms go home everyday at lunch and suck down a bottle of chardonnay to be able to handle their perfect kids when they get home from school. I think you make the best of the hand you are dealt and that old saying that goes something like: would you be friends with someone who treats you as badly as you treat yourself? This self critique doesn’t do anything, but serve to punish yourself and there is absolutely no reason to do that! I’m sure you do much more than you give yourself credit for…hell, you keep all of us amused!
GIRL GIRL GIRLS !!! ( and some boys )
I am shocked by your stories !
YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN !!
The most most important thing in life is the love you have in you , to share that with others.
That’s all !
I too was deceived by appearances, until I’ve got this disease and everyone opens up to you and you find out that almost everyone has their cross to bare.
YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN ! You are fine as you are !!
I totally understand everything you are saying. I am a walking talking headcase most of the time. I am a single Mom, I know I am a good one, but still it is a Super Fail. I have a great job, I am good at it. I have a fantastic family, great friends, I have good morals, I am kind and super funny–still I am not satisfied with my performance as a person most of the time. I think your 3-4 days a month is probably pretty accurate.
I always think it has something to do with being a woman in my 30s. I promise my friends things will get better when we pass 40 and get over ourselves. I don’t know if that is true but sociologically it seems reasonable. Most of us are torn between work and families, we have wonderful, amazing, terrifying children who are testing us, out-growing us, still need us–but don’t. We feel less beautiful and amazing because we are older and tired–so tired. We have relationships that have evolved or devolved and it is hard to be satisified when we were raised on Disney Princess, Lifetime Movies and HOPE of that One True Love and Happily Ever After.
I think that most of my misery is my inability to let go of things that do not matter–but that takes overcoming an entire life of delusions and I just don’t seem to have the energy to get very far on that!
First of all, you’re not alone. Obviously; look at what everyone else has posted. But that doesn’t help, necessarily. Everyone who’s fighting this battle is locked into their own little slice of hell and no one will ever completely get *your* point of view. But know this: we may not be in your shoes any more than you’re in ours. But we’re all fighting together. My house is a mess and it doesn’t get better. I use “act as if you know what you’re doing” to get me through my days more often than I ever let on. And so do a lot of the PTA/soccer moms, I bet.
Secondly, it takes all kinds. Bright and cheery overachievers will do what they do, and good for them. I’d rather sit on your back porch and watch the desert with you without talking rather than do the go-get-’em activities that so many people value. And that’s what makes life interesting, and your writing so great. There are people who are good at group stuff. Let them handle it. That’s their strength. You keep being the gal who thinks so outside the box that she hugs sloths. There isn’t a PTA mom around who’ll do that!
You’ve written a book, you’re open about your mental health, and you’ve got that fabulous traveling red dress project established. You’ve got Hailey and Victor and a shit-ton of great taxidermy. You’ve done more than many, and you keep pushing yourself. You know your mind lies, and that’s perhaps the biggest deal of all. Three or four good days isn’t much, that’s true, but it’s something powerful in its own small way. And no one expects you to be someone you’re not. There are bad days, there always will be, I suspect. But they lie, and they pass.
Know this: you are loved for who you are. And that means loving you for your mental illness as much as your accomplishments. We all of us wish you joy and peace. We also relate strongly to your very human-ness. Because you’re honest, we know we’re not alone. And that’s no small blessing from you.
You are SO normal! The PTA moms have their issues too. I’m not one of them, but I’ve seen enough of them, behind the scenes. They are just as f’ed up as the rest of us. They just grew up with parents who were hiding it, so they’re better practiced at hiding it. You are honest. You don’t pretend. That’s why so many love you. You just are. I feel every day like I dodged a bullet if my family is all in one piece. I don’t even try to hide it either. I think this is the new normal. People, more than ever, are owning up to their issues. Thank you for being one of us!
You have had a swarm of great comments already but I thought I would throw my 2 cents in here. I’ve been in talk therapy for a good portion of my life (I’m 31) however I’m not medicated and would consider myself “normal” (whatever that is). I just mean I don’t suffer from debilitating depression but I do get blue, feel overwhelmingly “off” sometimes and have anxiety. It always passes within a week (usually a day) and I know I am impacted by good old fashioned sunshine and vitamin D. All that being said, I was totally jealous of your 3-4 days a month! I think if I get 1 I am doing something right. Now, I don’t swing quite as far as you in the opposite direction the rest of the month, unless I am blue, feeling off, or anxious. I usually feel like crap 1 a month as well. The rest of the time is just business as usual. I need A LOT of accomplishments in a day to feel productive and usually life (and my perpetual laziness) don’t afford me many opportunities.
If you want the opinion of a complete stranger- I think you’re probably a little more unhappy than the rest of us but you’ve got more highs too. Which probably just makes you like all of us in your own special way. I’d love to fall asleep once a week saying, damn it I DID something today. 🙂
Feel better. You are so not alone.
Kiddo, you are not alone. This is life. That perfect PTA mom? She doesn’t exist. She looks that way at the moment you see her. She has a million moments just like you, you’re just not there to see it. I know this is the truth. I know it for sure because I’m socially inept and I drop by at the wrong time or look up at the wrong moment and catch them being us – normal and human, and not at all perfect. And then I feel like an idiot for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and it’s all my fault and I embarrassed them. Exposed the truth. And yet I feel the same as you, every day. I have a successful career and a promotion and I’m a leader waiting for everyone to figure out I’m an idiot and they’ve promoted the wrong person. And I’m going to have to look up “imposter syndrome” – thanks for the link because maybe that’s my problem. Even though I know the truth: you’re normal. Success is living another day, whatever a day looks like for you, whether it’s knocking out an awesome blog or crawling out of bed to make it to the bank. Who says the only successful day is checking off that list of things that “need” to be done? They’re a different kind of person – good for them. If you’re not that person, good for you.
“Comparison is the death of joy.” (Supposedly Mark Twain)
I have been through periods like that, where I feel like life is one unending ‘To Do’ list. I felt overwhelmed, stressed and incapable of managing. What I did is write down all the things I feel I need to do (in small, specific steps) then look at which ones are top priority, which ones I can leave and any I can get help with. I could leave a lot more tasks than I thought I could. When things were really shit, I eventually gave myself permission to feel upset that things were shit (it took a while).
Part of what hit me about your post is that a lot of the demands we place on ourselves are totally unrealistic. Who says that it’s a ‘failure’ not to do all these things? Since when are human beings expected to be perfect and flawless? Why is a mistake or an accident or an illness a ‘failure’?
Really, I hardly ever clean and I’m fine. I shop for food when I get around to it and don’t beat myself up if it’s takeaways, the pub, the convenience store etc. for dinner. Volunteering? Nope, don’t do that any more. Involvement in church? I turn up most Sundays and that’s all. Study – nope. I’m kicking ass at work and enjoying relaxing weekends and that’s just fine.
I don’t have enough money, but who does? I am actually blessed beyond belief. I like to keep an eye on people who aren’t as well off as we are instead of looking at peers who are earning more, have nice cars, holidays, big houses etc.
Another quote: He aha te mea nui o te ao?
He tangata! He tangata! He tangata!
What is the most important thing in the world?
It is people! It is people! It is people!
This fits in well with my view of Christianity and also with my recent experience of Mum dying. When it came down to the end, the most important thing was her having people she loved and who loved her around her. Money, work, possessions, status, experiences etc – none of that counts when push comes to shove.
Jenny, you are very important to a lot of people therefore you’re fundementally Getting It Right!
On the advice of my therapist I no longer allow myself to use words like “failure” and “fraud” to describe myself. I’m supposed to be cultivating an inner monologue of a “good Mother” character to balance out my negative introject. It’s hard to not judge yourself so harshly especially when fighting depression and anxiety (which we have in common, btw).
I find Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability and shaming to be very helpful when I’m feeling particularly bad about myself. I also find that making a list of quick wins I can complete and cross off helps on a day when I feel like I’m treading water and not getting anything “real” done.
When all else fails, I have given myself permission to fall apart but in measurements of hours instead of days. Losing a whole day is just too much for my fragile psyche to deal with right now.
I hope that helps. I’m pretty all over the place, too.
P.S. I really look forward to reading your 2nd, 3rd and 4th books. Never give up. Never surrender. 🙂
Considering all the comments you’ve already gotten, mine’s pretty superfluous, but…no, you’re not alone at all. I could have written 99% of this post and I haven’t published (or even finished) a book, produced a human being, or run a hugely successful blog with an engaged, devoted readership. Even on relatively good days, I have a very hard time believing people mean it when they compliment me, I’m always in need of external validation for nearly everything I do, I usually don’t think I’m good enough unless I’m doing everything right, and my internal focus is on not screwing up rather than on succeeding.
I do think I’ve been somewhat better about this recently, though. Not being in school has helped a lot, just because now there are far fewer things I need to be doing at any given moment, so I have fewer opportunities to hate myself for not doing them (pro tip: if you’re already burned out from undergrad, for the love of all that’s holy do NOT go directly into grad school). I have a permanent job now, which I didn’t for a long time, and that’s helped a lot too, because at least now the narrative of my life is more like “I have two degrees and I work as an admin assistant” rather than “I have two degrees and I can’t find a permanent job that pays more than minimum wage.” So–I do feel, sometimes, that I shouldn’t be satisfied with where I’m at right now, that I should want to advance my career and go back to school and things like that, that I should be BETTER, but I’m trying to remind myself, look, you worked hard just to get where you are, maybe work on making that sustainable and go from there. Not being hugely ambitious is not a crime or a character failing, and perfection is impossible.
Lately, though, I guess it’s just been really little things that have made me feel like I’m a worthwhile human being every now and then. I’ve been writing more regularly, even if it’s just novel notes/brainstorming (I can always freewrite, even if actual prose refuses to cooperate), and trying to interact with friends more (online and off), and playing SWTOR because paying for a subscription I’m not using is dumb and I don’t want to cut off my subscription, and writing down little things in my planner so I can cross them off and feel a little accomplishment, and as long as I allow myself to value those things, it helps.
You are absolutely not not not alone! I don’t struggle with depression – or even a lot of anxiety (but please don’t stop reading this comment). That just means it’s EASIER for me, but that doesn’t mean I think I’m a success every day! I probably just have an easier time shrugging off my failures and planning for less-bad failures the next day. Listen, every day by 3 pm I’m usually panicked that I’ve only gotten 2 of 10 things on my “realistic” list of the day complete. And it takes me like 4 weeks to schedule a doctor’s appointment, and I forget to call my mom, or to take out the kitty litter more often than I’d like to admit. And I spend way too much money on lunches because every night I get home and I have no energy to cook food to take the next day.
I am absolutely NOT where I would like to be – and I don’t know anyone (with any standards) who really is. If you had it all figured out now, how bored would you be the rest of your life? But honestly, we weren’t born to be a “success every day.” We get to enjoy the process of being US – and building relationships with those around us, and loving on them. Your family loves you with all your quirks included.
Another thing to keep in mind is that you’re not going to be good at EVERYTHING, every day. But you can prioritize, and set goals in a staggered manner. If there’s something you are really irked by in your own life, make that your goal for the month of October — but don’t you dare try to fix EVERYTHING or even TWO things that month. You can absolutely be a success at whatever you are PRIORITIZING that day. And priorities necessarily mean that you DE-prioritize other things. You are great at writing – you don’t have to be great at every little thing. Do you want to be a jack of all trades, master of none? because none of the famous amazing people you hear about were, I can tell you that. Do you want to be a woman who just prioritizes having perfect hair at PTA meetings? I think not.
But in summation…no, you are not alone. Only deluded people feel like a success even one day a week. But all you can do is pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and try with some renewed energy the next day. xoxo.
At 800-plus comments, I really don’t know if you’ll ever read every single one, but I hope you read this one. Your post just described almost exactly what was going through my mind an hour ago. So much so, it’s almost scary and stalker-ish. Quit stalking my brain. I’m kidding. But really, your post today hit on what many, many people are feeling and thinking but probably aren’t able to articulate. So thank you for that. I’m not saying this to “try and make you feel better”, but as much as I enjoy your humor posts, it’s really posts like these that sometimes make all the difference in being able to hang in there some days. Really, I think you have no idea how your posts on this kind of topic mean to the rest of us. We can’t all get it out in writing or even verbally, because a lot of us are probably feeling simply too paralyzed to do so, and feel that if we tried, it wouldn’t make a difference anyway.
Thank you.
I think you get by now that you are not alone.
I work from home and internet connection is required. Every other month, like clockwork, I try to sign on and the system pretends it doesn’t recognize me and I instantly decide I’ve been fired. About 10 minutes later I realize I probably just need to pay the internet bill. Why don’t I just set that shit up for auto-pay? IDK.
Unfinished projects are everywhere. Why did I think it was a good idea to buy a fixer-upper? I cannot even finish painting an end table, let alone the hallway.
Those other people may have it all together and be successful in their own career, on the PTA, attend every activity and event their child is involved with, and starting up some not-for-profit corporation on the side. But I bet their cleaning lady spends more time at that beautiful house than they do. The pets think they live in the most awesome shelter, ever but still wish for a family.
We live for what matters. Maybe, in a past life, we were the uber-successful, never still, masters of industry and universe and we HATED it. So we have some leftover sense that we should be doing more, but in our hearts we know better.
When we are needed, Jenny, we are there. And when we aren’t needed, those who matter know exactly where we can be found. We are not perfect! But we are pretty damn awesome. xoxo Karla
-PTSD, anxiety, depression
You’re not alone, Jenny. That little voice in my head is constantly telling me what a fuck up I am, that I’m a failure and I’ll never get anywhere in life because I have Asperger’s and severe anxiety. Up until recently I couldn’t look in the mirror without seeing a total failure staring back at me. And I still can’t accept compliments from people, I get so uncomfortable. You say you’re not very good at being a person, is there a handbook with guidelines we’re supposed to be following for that? If there are days where your biggest accomplishment is getting out of bed and breathing it’s okay. Given everything you have to fight with, that’s actually a pretty big accomplishment in my opinion. You’re making an effort and that’s a wonderful thing. You think Hailey cares about you doing PTA? I doubt it. You make her laugh and smile, that’s what she’s going to remember. She’s not going to remember that you sometimes waited until the last minute to help with homework, but she’ll remember you helped her.
If you don’t finish the second book, then you simply don’t finish it. And that’s okay. Your fellow tribe members will understand, and I promise we won’t hate you for it.
I was so touched by this that I wrote a blog post about it.
Last night I was BAWLING about these exact same feelings. And that I didn’t have the heart to do anything about it but sit there and so the ugly cry.
So I’m with you. I’m going the route of honesty. And it starts with this- I feel successful MAYBE 4 days a month. And those are never days in a row. I get maybe one day a week that I feel like I win at life, and it’s usually because I lowered my standards. 🙂
And here’s what I wrote for you. http://alittleoffcolor.com/the-honesty-factor-of-being-human/
Definitely not just you. I have the same problem. I have depression and anxiety issues, along with some OCD symptoms, along with a host of physical ailments. I almost never feel accomplished, because no matter what I do, I should have done more. If I do laundry, I should have done ALL of the laundry. If I clean the bathroom, I never should have let it get that dirty in the first place. It’s never good enough.
If I have one day a week where I feel like I’ve been even semi-successful I count it as a good week. But there are plenty of weeks where I don’t have even one day like that. I wish I knew how to fix it, for you and for me, but I don’t. All I can do is tell you I understand, and it’s not just you.
That is life. That is all our lives. Your life is my life-except I haven’t written a book, I’ve painted paintings. And, as a matter of fact, I’ve bought my daughter your book-when the hell are you going to buy one of my paintings?! I’m 60 yrs old, it doesn’t change-my advice, just accept it so you can be happy! PS I do have a website but I’m removing it here because your comment thingy said it couldn’t find it.
Ditto.
As someone who has never been diagnosed with any particular mood/anxiety disorder, I still feel like 3-5 days a month feeling like a success is a great month. Most of those other days, it’s just trying to plow through and get to the end, and maybe find something that makes me happy (often Dr. Who).
Also, the people who seem to have it together – generally you just haven’t gotten to know them well enough yet.
Not alone at all. What is most interesting to me, about my relation to this, is that I can read through close to 500 of the comments saying “me too!” and then objectively look at my accomplishments and know that yes, I have had successes, and yet still feel like I am just treading water. Why can I read so many responses, and look at the numbers, knowing there are 940 some people who feel just.like.me and still feel alone? I don’t know, and my therapist keeps asking me what it is that I need to make me believe in my self-worth. But the drugs don’t always work, and neither does the therapy apparently.
All this to say, no you’re not alone. But it totally beats me how to fix it 🙂
Holy fuck, Imposter Syndrome is a thing? Ok, well let’s add that to the ‘things’ I have (which includes diagnosed panic disorder and undiagnosed depression ).
Jenny, it’s not just you. I feel unsuccessful at life the majority of the time too. Like you, my friends also would say, ‘but how can you even think that, you are so successful because x, y and z?’ And yet, I feel like my days blend together and stretch out in front of me an endless cycle of basically just keeping my body alive and doing things to pass the time until I die (for the record I’m actively trying to NOT die).
I find it interesting how it can be that my perception of my ilfe is so different from other peoples perception of my life. But I think it is a ‘my fish are dead’ sort of thing (to quote the amazing Alie Brosh).
I just today came across ‘An open letter to anyone considering suicide’ by Andrew Lawes. I’m sure you’ve seen it. I’ve filed it away and will be bringing it out on days when I need it. I think the most useful line in it for me was ‘Comparing yourself to others is the worst thing you can do’. Comparing myself to others is a main contributor to me feeling unsuccessful most of the time. So I try to not do it (ha ha ha, easier said than done) but I’ve also taken steps which make it harder for me to do – like by quitting facebook.
You know what else makes me feel better? Reading the comments on your blog and realizing that I am part of this amazing tribe which yeah, struggles to get by a lot of the time but is also real and honest.
Well, almost 1000 of us agree that it isn’t just you.
I, too, have depression and anxiety and I take a bunch of meds. One thing that helped me was realizing that I was comparing my own worst-case-scenario to those PTA moms’ best-foot-forward. I mean, if you assumed that their public behavior was indicative of “normal” and anything that you did that you never saw them do was “abnormal” then you would assume that no one ever farted or got the stomach flu or ate carbs. Just because you don’t see them farting doesn’t mean that they don’t fart. Just because you don’t see their struggles doesn’t mean that they don’t struggle.
Most of us are just pretending at this adult thing, I promise.
Another thing that has helped me is developing friendships with other women IRL and then stopping by unannounced – no really! Because then I can see that I’m not the only one whose house doesn’t look like Better Homes and Gardens on any given Monday. Seeing my friends’ laundry piles was worth a good 6 months of therapy.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Homework – make yourself a list of what a “successful” person is – mother, wife, human being – and what that person does on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis. Make them actionable things that you can check off a list. Bills paid? Congratulations! You win at being a grown up and you’re doing better than 50% of the US population. Toilets non-fuzzy? You are kicking ass at this adult thing!
When it get really bad I watch Hoarders. Talk about schadenfreude!
Well, damn, now I am thinking about how many days a month I am successful. There are some months, I may only have 1 true day of success. Last month I planted some plants in planters outside and I completely rocked that project! That was my one day for the month, but I am totally patting myself on the back every time I look at them.
Check it…Pinterest is like the Twilight Zone of bored people! They can throw old wood pallets or rakes on their wall and somehow make it look awesome (or they have really good photography skills). Know your limitations! Mine is not trying to hang wood pallets on my walls as a coat rack or using a rake (minus the handle) as a wine rack. I give kudos to them, but I can’t compete, so I don’t throw my hat in the arena (or however that phrase goes). Hell, I hang a pre framed picture and feel good (successful day #2! Whoop! Whoop!). You must not compare yourself with all the professional Pinteresters out there. We need to start something for all the failed projects. We can learn from others mistakes and mishaps.
PTA/PTO/PTSA, whatever it’s called now! Here’s what I do, I pay the $5, fill out the form and give them my email address. Then, I am in the “know” for upcoming events. I don’t go to meetings or sell cookies, but I want the info, so my kid isn’t the only one without a bathing suit on Water Day! It’s really worth the 5 bucks and probably good for a resume to say you’re a member (technically, you are!).
Don’t compare yourself to other shiny people. Those are the ones that end up on the 5 o’clock news and the neighbors says, “I had no idea they were crazy.” OR, they may be taking A LOT more medication to make them shiny (ya never know!). I’m the mom sitting in my car, rocking out, eating chips watching my kid at soccer practice (PRACTICE, not game). While the other “suckers” are sitting in their lawn chairs, sweating and slapping bugs. Why do they do this to themselves? Children need to learn from a coach w/out the parents hovering on the sidelines (totally my opinion, which is why I sit in my car).
Lastly, I leave you with this crumb of wisdom. Take care of you. No, not in a narcissistic way; but in a, “I have to take care of me to be happy,” way. No one loves you the way you love you (say that in your head louder than all the other voices!!). I have learned to take care of me, do things that make me happy and NOT feel guilty (tough part, but most important). Do it!! Get out there, start doing things that make you happy at least once a week and don’t feel guilty or pressure from anyone to do it differently (even if you have to get a storage unit for your taxidermied animals under a pseudo name).
So, in a nutshell:
1. Maybe don’t count the success days/month, because something you did in August could keep counting in March and then math just gets hard.
2. Know your limits on Pinterest projects. If it is more than a 2 step project, get off site.
3. Join PTO/A/whatever! Don’t attend a single meeting or sell coupon books, but get the info!! It’s like stalking, but you paid $5, so maybe like a peep show.
4. Love you the most! Take care of you! Promise (pinky swear), this is the most important! I could type a book about the crap cards I was given, but so not important, what is, is that I have learned to L. O. V. E. me first and then I can give love to everyone else and be loved mo betta!
You did ask for all of this info, right?!
Oh, and, if ADD set it, just skip to last step!
A. It’s very common
B. It could be better. There have been times when I only had 3 days a month that I could respect myself when I looked in the mirror, but I was miserable and didn’t want to live that way. I got better. I’ve read your book (laughed so hard I cried, and then cried because it was just that good) and that makes me think my road to “better” wasn’t as long as yours, but don’t accept three good days as inevitable until you have exhausted all your options. And if you find that three good days is just reality, the best you have, then at least you tried everything. Good for you for taking an honest look and asking real questions.
We are living parallel lives, my sweet. I have depression, anxiety, ADD, and OCD. Unfortunately, my OCD is not something useful like cleaning, exercising or, for my husband’s sake, obsessively sexual. My OCD is obsessive negative self-speak and negative thinking. (Don’t judge! LOL I’m not self-diagnosed, I was told it is still OCD by a psychiatrist.)
I don’t actually remember the last day I felt like I kicked ass. I exist and do the bare minimum to prevent my children from being picked up by Children’s Services and to prevent my house from being condemned. I just cannot function at a high enough level to actually LIVE my life. My biggest success is that my kids still love me. Through all my chaos and my mood swings and everything else that I have screwed up for them, they still tell me I’m the best Mom. They still take every opportunity to hug me, give me kisses, sit with me, sleep in my bed when their Dad is out of town and talk with me. My boys are 5, 9 and 12 years old and, for now any ways, they still love me, need me and trust in me. They are what has kept me here when I have felt at my worst.
I don’t officially have anything, except allergies, and I think you sound just like everyone else would, if they were being honest. I discovered you through your book, but feel like I know you better because it was the audiobook so, essentially, you told me all about you. I think you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. Make a ridiculously simple, but long to-do list and feel like a champ when you check off all the boxes. Everyone else feels like you do, and most of them haven’t any real cause. Me, I’m lazy and have never been good with follow through, all potential and no pay off. Every now and then I decide I must be the family fuck up, but then I see that I all I’ve actually accomplished and while I’m sure I could have and should have done better, I’m not doing too bad. You are not alone. Take pride in all you’ve accomplished and just keep going.
You are certainly not alone, as I’m sure the hundreds of comments before mine tell you. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, as well as ptsd, but the more I open up about it with friends, family, and the universe, I’ve come to realize that it’s a very common thing. In fact, the reason things look so shiny on the outside for everyone else is because they are likely feeling the same things, and just not talking about it.
But yeah, I know what it’s like to be paralyzed by fear and depression and anxiety. Even (especially) irrational fears and anxieties that I created myself. I fight with it almost every day. I probably have UP TO 3 days a month where I feel like I’m really rockin’ it. But that’s ok. It’s ok to feel that way, and it’s okay to respond however you need to. Everyone else can suck it 🙂
It is absolutely not you. I dont suffer from severe depression or anxiety but I very much recognise this feeling.
I know that I the outside I probably look successful – but there are so many days when I feel I have achieved absolutely nothing. I look at other people and wonder how they manage to make their lives work so effortlessly, and when I’m going to get to the part where it’s easy.
And I’m terrified of the day when They work out Ii don’t really know what I’m doing.
Thank you for showing me it’s not just me.
It is decidedly not just you. I don’t suffer from anxiety or depression… but I do quite often suffer from Imposterism. For some reason (and regardless of the amount of work I put into anything), when I receive compliments I’m always like “oh God no, I didn’t actually DO anything– everyone in the world is better at this than I am and they’re not even trying.” I think we ALL suffer from watching the very carefully curated lives most people show us on Facebook and while we ALL realize that people are, by and large, kind of full of shit on social media– we still think “OMG people are better at LIFE than I am.” Like, I cannot even fathom how people get so much done before 9 a.m. on a Saturday and then I realize they have children and they have no real choice in the matter– they will be getting up long before 9 a.m. (and I won’t). Basically, in the end, we’re all just delivering pizzas. Whether we’re stay at home parents, executives, entry-levels, whatever it is– it’s really just pizza. And sweetie, your pizza is divine.
I identify 100% with what you are saying! I feel truly successful 1 to 2 days a month (maybe). I feel like a fraud most of the time and that at any moment someone is going to find out that I suck at what I do. The only good thing I think I do for my son is read to him or at least surround home with books. I feel like its been a good day if I have fed him and clothed him and kept him safe – but we don’t do a lot of extras and for that I feel terrible. I find that I pretend I’m not me in order to get through work. I don’t know if any of this helps, but you are definitely not alone- that I can tell you is true.
This is me most of the time. Everybody always asks me how I manage to get everything done and they tell me how great I am at this whole life thing. But I feel like if they looked closer they’d see all of the things that never get done. They’d see that I run out of heating fuel at least twice a winter, always when it’s -50 outside. I get shut off notices for my electricity at least four times every winter. They’d see that sometimes I don’t pay my late bills for fear that the people receiving my payments will see that they’re late and then they’ll notice how often they’re late and then they’ll judge me for regularly having late payments because I simply don’t make enough money at my job to always pay for everything. I feel like I have been biting, kicking, scratching, and clawing my way through life for longer than I can remember, but I’ve gotten so good at masking it and putting up this incredible facade that nobody sees that part but me. And I am scared to death of what they’ll think if they discover how incredibly difficult life is for me. As for being a PTA Parent? I cannot even begin to fathom how people have the time and energy for that. I can’t even gather up the energy to put on real pants on the weekends, or wash my hair, or do dishes. I have actually thrown out an entire double sink full of perfectly good dishes because it was easier than washing them. I have piles of things in the corners of my house, and so many unfinished projects that some times I am too scared to even open drawers or boxes for fear that I’ll have to see those half finished things and feel guilty for not getting them done. Most days I feel like a wreck and a failure. So I avoid the things I’ve been failing at, and I keep avoiding them until they pile up so high that I feel like a hoarder, carefully treading narrow paths between towering stacks of guilt, anxiety, and unfinished everythings. I know that eventually I’ll either have to start sorting through those things or let them crash down and suffocate me under their weight. For the sake of my son, I occasionally combat the piles, sorting through the little, easy things first. And on those days I feel like Wonder Woman for getting something done. And then I ride that blissful wave of ass kicking awesomeness for a few days until it subsides and I find myself bra-less, clad in sweatpants for the third day in a row, hair unwashed for the fourth day in a row, wrapped in a blanket, hoping that I paid my internet and electricity bills so I can drink tea and watch Netflix and post cat pictures on the internet… That’s about when the cycle repeats.
So no, it’s not just you… And sometimes having that little nugget of knowledge in the back of your brain can help you combat that cycle, so that just maybe you get one more day to ride the ass kicking wave of awesomeness before is subsides again.
You are completely not alone…#1 the amount of time it took me to get to the end of page is proof! #2 I might get 4-5 good days out of a month. I’m only useful at work and even then I have to have a deadline and pressure to move forward…otherwise it can wait. #3 If you’re doing you well enough that Hailey is happy and Victor loves you (with or without the animals) then that’s all there is to it…it’s just your speed! #4 If I spent my life living it like everyone expected me to then we wouldn’t have jokes in my house about “dog hair tumbleweed”…live the life that you have and be happy with it!
I have bad issues with my back. Bad enough that I spend a great deal of time lying down because being upright hurts so much. There are few things that get accomplished in a prone position, and I waffle between struggling with intense self loathing because I’m so useless and determination to get the fuck better. When I’m feeling positive, I know that I can’t compare my life, my daily accomplishments to those of anyone else. I can never really know what anyone else puts themselves through to make it through the day, and they can’t ever really understand my struggles.
Based on what you feel capable of on any given day, at any given minute, you allow yourself to feel the accomplishment of simply getting out of bed. That can be a hard one. Allow yourself to be successful if you can only do the minimum to get by. When depression is bad, breathing may be all you can do, and go you for continuing to breathe! Sometimes it takes restructuring our definition of success, mine is personal happiness. Was I happy today? Even for a little bit? Good, today was a success. When my back is really bad, I’m happy if I was able to make dinner or take a shower.
Also, the lives people present online are the glossy, heavily edited narrative they want the world to see. Almost no one says, “I took a shower today door the first time in over a week!” Or “just had McD’s for dinner for the 15th straight day in a row.” Or “I wear shoes in my house because I cannot be upright long enough to both sweep and mop.” They talk about how great their kids are. How much they love their job but hate their boss. They talk about running and cleaning and making French bread from scratch. They pin pictures if home DIYs that they’ll never do with captions like, “I’m going to build/make/craft/cook this!” In fact, the Internet is doused in hyperbole. You cannot, CANNOT, compare yourself to it.
I think the internet has provided too many ways for us to peer into other peoples lives and that makes us compare ourselves, but geez would we put up a picture of our kitchen with the sink full of dirty dishes or a week of laundry on the couch or the table hiding under a ton of crap? No. the internet also doesnt show the real every day life of people the medicine cabinets full of the same stuff we all take to cope the mostly empty bottles of booze the chocolate that isnt just for pms or bad days.
I look at this blog and I laugh, but you are so open about your struggles but I don’t know you I don’t know half the crap you deal with on a daily basis or your thoughts as you lie in bed at night.
Take a break from pinning and facebook and anything that makes you measure yourself against another person, and find out what makes you happy and feel successful. Maybe youre a better mom for not being on the PTA, maybe youre doing better than other moms because you make the time to help with your kids homework at all.
Measure yourself by what makes YOU feel good, we all know that you are one of a kind and thats why we love this blog and we celebrate YOU- not the better homes and gardens moms/people/blogs.
You’ll always feel like a failure if you compare the *inside* of your life to the *outside* of somebody else’s. We all put on a show for others. It’s like those buildings with false fronts, that make it look so much bigger & more imposing from the street.
Showing up for life every day is an achievement in itself. Never think it isn’t.
I doubt myself all the time. I describe it as, “I hope nobody notices the zipper up the back of my grown-up costume.” I was probably 35 years old before I found out other people felt that way too.
Totally not just you. Right now I feel like I suck balls at life, I’ve been unemployed since mid June & have never been unemployed this long, even though it’s not all that long. I’m single with no prospects, no kids, middle aged, and honestly, some days it’s a struggle just to get out of bed, but I do it. I know once I’m employed things will be a little bit better – I’ll have something to focus on – but if anything your post shows you’re actually more normal than not.
Weird, huh?
I used to feel like this a lot – until I made some pretty major changes to my living situation. I quit my job and went freelance, moved out of the state and found a place where I really began to feel alive again.
Now I’m probably up to 50/50 — some days are great and some I still feel like I’m pretending.
Not sure that any of that will help anyone else, other than that it is possible to increase how often you feel good. And it can get better.
truthfully, I’m lucky if I feel like I’m awesome once a quarter. My kids (and other people) ask me things like, “why don’t you get a job?” and I just want to sink in a hole and die. Every once in a while I hear, “You’re so strong and things are so hard, how do you manage to keep it together?” Those times I feel like a champ. Like I won the “PERSON OF THE MILLENNIUM” award. I want to shout off the rooftops and tell everyone who doubted me to go fuck themselves because I am awesome. But most days I just want to curl up and die. Those occasional days keep me going. The awards my kids receive, the praise from teachers of how well I’m doing at dealing with my son’s mental illness, Girl Scouts for my daughter, etc…those are the moments I live for. Not for me, but for them. My kids.
You are very much not alone in this. I generally don’t feel like I’m actively kicking butt at anything, and if I ever do, I usually start looking for mistakes, and figuring out what I’ve screwed up, because I’m feeling too good.
I also don’t take compliments well. My parents were big fans of trying to keep us from getting “big-headed”, so we weren’t ever to talk about our own accomplishments – that’s bragging. You’re supposed to let other people say nice things about you; however, if they do, then the immediate response was something like “Well, what else are they going to say? They’re not going to insult you!” (Clearly, this was a time before the internet…) It meant that the compliments weren’t real, and what I was doing wasn’t actually worthy of praise – it was what I was supposed to do, and nothing more.
Overall, it leads me to believe that some people are meant to be stars, and others are supporting characters or backstage, and I try to stay in the background. I don’t like to draw attention to myself, because if no one notices me, then they can’t point out how I screwed up. It’s not a perfect system, but it means I survive.
I hear you loud and clear on everything you’re saying, except the parts where you are a successful blogger, author, and mom. I don’t see myself as particularly successful at anything, though apparently my crazy, wonderful husband disagrees with me on that. Thank goddess, or whatever, for crazy, wonderful husbands!
Anyway, I went through two years of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) along with weekly therapy. That did me more good than anything else, but I still have more bad days than good. But, I am improving! I think it’s a combo of lots of things that help:
1. Even if it feels ridiculous, every so often just try on the idea that you don’t suck. Slip that thought on when no one is looking, and just wear it around for a few minutes or hours. It’s good practice – ‘fake it till you make it’ actually has some validity!
2. Morning Pages. It’s an activity outlined in the book ‘The Artist’s Way’, and works surprisingly well for reducing anxiety.
3. Trust. Yeah, I know it’s fucking scary, but hey, if you can put this plea out in the world then you must trust us to some degree. Sometimes you just gotta say ‘my brain is a fucker, so I’m going to just have some faith in what these folks are saying’.
4. Don’t let this bullshit world tell you what success is and isn’t. Also, don’t let the bullshit voice of depression tell you! Think long and hard how you would determine success if you were setting the standard for someone you love. Then apply that to you.
5. If at all possible, accept that you may always have a demon riding in your passenger seat. But it will always be YOUR CAR. So no matter what that fucker has to say about your driving, you’re still the one with keys while that poor sap gets by begging rides.
6. Last but by no means least: no matter what else you do, you have made hundreds of thousands (millions?) of people laugh, smile, think, and feel much less alone. Congratulations my dear, you have achieved the weirdest, awesomest saintdom EVER! 🙂
I never leave comments on blogs but dammit, I’m doin’ it!
It ain’t just you. And it’s not even just a small group of people. It’s all of us. This is something of a human condition. It ebbs and flows. And yes – depression and meds and cognitive therapy and yes, yes, yes – I do all of those things as well. Also, I’m a writer and I’m in theatre and I think anyone in the arts holds impossibly high standards for themselves when it comes to doing, saying and experiencing interesting things on a daily basis. And yes, you and me and many of the hilarious people that read your blog probably have similar, moody temperaments and occasionally depression. But there’s nothing wrong with you or any of us. I’m sorry that I don’t know how old you are – I’m 44 and I find it much easier to deal with in my 40s than I did in my 20s and 30s. I’m more confident of the things I know and I try not to get too hung up on things that I THINK would make me successful but are really intangible. I have plenty of friends that from the outside look like they’re more successful than me. You might even recognize them if you saw them. But we all deal with the same old bullshit. I have a zillion facebook friends that I can tell think that I’m much more successful than I am. This is because I pick and choose the images I show to the world. This is why facebook is so popular after all – we can control, and create, an ideal version of ourselves and share it with people that were assholes to us in high school.
Hang in there. You’re fine. You have a lovely family and you’re a wonderful writer and there is more success ahead of you. No one can shake the world every day. Give yourself a break. 😉
D.
D.
Well I have no idea if this has been mentioned yet because I didn’t make it all the way through but frankly I think it should count as a point towards winning at life if you manage to read all of your comments.
As for me… Sometimes there’s only one day a month I feel like I’m winning. Other times I get lucky and something happens that lets me feel awesome every day. Right now I’m amazingly lucky because I get to feel like I’m flashing the whole unfair universe the finger every two hours.
That’s because I’m bottle raising a puppy. He’s got the tiniest bit of a cleft palate and can’t really suck on mom and it took us almost three days to figure out how to get more than bare minimum survival amounts in him. There were some really sucky times in there where I felt like I was failing him and failing at life and the universe was determined to crush me like a bug. But he never gave up and if he didn’t I couldn’t. Then yesterday morning at four (after three days of getting less than an hour of sleep at a stretch) both he and I got our heads out of our asses at the same time and everything worked. He got a full belly. And we’ve been repeating that every two hours (because he’s prone to half dozing when we only wait an hour and he’s more likely to flood himself out and choke) since.
And he’s gaining. He’s miles behind the other puppies but he’s miles ahead of where he was just 24 hours ago. He’s not out of the woods but he’s on the right track to get there now. And every two hours I get to thumb my nose at whatever part of the universe is in charge of the sad, awful, soul crushing things that just happen sometimes.
Btw, his name is Micro and I’m convinced his motto is “Never give up, never surrender!” Being at heart a very stubborn (some call me pigheaded) person, I can get behind that.
@eleanorjane
Supposedly Mark Twain is one of my favorite authors.
xoxo Karla
People don’t show the day-to-day “normal.” Like if I took a photo of my family room right now, I’d show you a picture of the artful autumn decorations on my fireplace mantel I just put up (yeah, it’s early – if I didn’t do it now, there wouldn’t be time later). But you wouldn’t see the other side of the room: the couch with the holes in the cushions, the terribly stained carpet, the chairs the cat scratched up, the dust all over the entertainment center. But that mantel? It’s gorgeous. One side of the room shows the real “normal” life, the other shows the “Pinterestish” side. Every day I am annoyed that there is clutter. That the kids didn’t get all of their homework done and easiily. That on the flip side they didn’t have more time to play because I work full-time. That we won’t eat a “real” dinner until next June because we have soccer practices every night and games all weekend. That if I want to get anything accomplished around the house to deal with the clutter and dust, I have to ignore everything else because I work full-time (which I am currently very unhappy about because I am doing nothing for 8+ hours a day – time that could be spent doing all those things listed above). And I don’t have any mental illness causing any of this. It’s just the way it is for everyone at some time. So, while I am stressed about all that, I am choosing to be happy about what I AM able to accomplish. That those decorations did get put up! That the stained carpet got vacuumed! That I’ve done the dishes every night this week instead of letting them pile up! That the kids are at least eating something not completely crappy every night even if we don’t all get to eat together! One little thing at a time.
I’ve never commented before, but this post resonated with me. Fear of failure in every aspect of my life is nearly always looming over me.
Most days, I feel like I’m less of an adult than people around me. Even though I’m in my 40s, I still feel like I’m not really a successful grown up. Most days, I feel like people I interact with are going to pat me on the head and send me back off to my parents.
It’s easy for me to assume that people around me are better equipped at life (or have some secret handbook that I never received). I’m pretty sure that’s not true, but it’s still hard to convince myself that other people are floundering through life with all sorts of insecurities and problems. Just because someone’s life looks put together doesn’t mean that’s the case.
So not alone. I think I probably feel like a good, successful, accomplished adult maybe 6 days a month.
The rest of the time I fret about the “crap” I feed the kids, my unclean house, the pile of crazy laundry, etc. etc. etc.
I worry that if I don’t do well in my job it reflects not only on me, but women devs everywhere. I just feel inadequate 90% of the time. And I’m on anti depressants, so this is an improvement over feeling it 150% of the time.
Just recently, I came to the realization that my husband and I have very different things that make a day feel “successful” to us. I think each person needs to figure out what that is for themselves, since the same activities might make two people feel very differently. I feel the most successful and productive when I get out and do something, or when I visit a friend. My husband feels the most productive when he makes something or finishes a project on his to-do list. I *can* feel successful with daily chores and “normal life” things, but I have to get a LOT of them done or else get them done with a bare minimum of whining from my toddler. Honestly, some days a shower feels like a HUGE accomplishment.
I double-endorse that link one of the first posters had about the different kinds of motherhood (and I think it applies to life). I often got comments from friends about “How do you DO it all?” when they see a quilt I made or something I canned. I felt like such an impostor. I am the furthest thing from Martha Stewart you’ve ever seen.
I finally realized that I just chose to spend my time differently (i.e., my house can get truly dirty, not just that “Oh, my house is filthy! I haven’t cleaned in 2 days!” crap, or I have never been able to have a home cooked meal on the table every night of the week in my life). That made me feel a little better about what I did do, even if I still knew that 6 out of 7 nights of the week I sat on the couch watching Netflix.
As to how often I feel truly successful? Maybe 3-4 days a month. I have really unsuccessful days maybe 3 times a month, and the rest I just accept for what they were and am grateful for whatever it was that I did do (Keep child alive? Check.)
I have constant questions about feeling successful.
“My sister has a law degree, a beautiful house, and a fulfilling career. I hope I’m going to get a job after grad school. . .”
I don’t know if this helps but when I stop and think about it I feel like shit. So . . . I don’t stop and think about it. At the end of my day, my daughter’s in bed, my husband and I have time alone together and I don’t think about it. Granted I’m too freaked out by everything else I know is going to come up and kick my butt, so why add to that by not meeting my own expectations for my life. I know I’ll get “there” someday. I also know that my idea of “there” will probably change and I’l have to be ok with that.
When I can’t stop my negative self talk then it’s Harry Potter time! The books. The movies. Pottermore. All of it. My husband knows I’ve had a bad day when I’m curled up reading about Harry’s first trip to the burrow. It doesn’t always work but this quote from the AMAZING Neil Gaiman sums it up for me http://neil-gaiman.tumblr.com/post/58745052541/on-escapism-rebloggable-by-request
You are never alone Jenny
Based on the responses you are not alone. I don’t suffer from any of the things that you have to deal with and I only feel like I kicked life’s ass 4-5 times a month. The only difference between you & I are those pesky chemical imbalances that make your life that much harder to deal with than mine. I think the whole idea of success needs to be readdressed…. I’m happy. I don’t have to be perfectly coiffed (who has time for that?) or hang with the cool kids. I have a family that loves me, dogs that adore me, and a pretty fantastic group of friends. I might live paycheck to paycheck but there are things in life that can always make me smile. Even if I have not kicked todays ass (or unpacked boxes from when we moved into our house…5 years ago).
Keep on being you because you are that little part of someones day that makes them feel like they are not alone. That is pretty damn successful.
I’m a major sufferer of Impostor Syndrome and didn’t even know the term for it until about 6 months ago. I’m a professional cellist and battle everyday with my inner voices who constantly remind me of how far I am from my perfect image of myself. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit it but… I can’t remember the last time I performed that I didn’t finish feeling positive I sucked and that everyone else just found out how much I sucked, no matter the actual feedback I get or any of the evidence otherwise.
My feelings of whether I’m doing ok are constantly on a wild roller coaster of up and down, depending on what failure triggers have tripped me up that day and whether I feel strong enough to fight them. I just tried to give a days of the week estimate… I have no idea! Today I feel pretty great so far. Yesterday I was overall panicked about getting everything done.
If I had to pinpoint two things that seem to help they would be 1) mental work: trusting my efforts, trusting my honest and supportive friends, naming impostor syndrome when it’s happening, identifying my triggers… and 2) speaking my impostor syndrome and success shame to others. “I have no idea who you’re talking about right now…” “Yeah I haven’t showered since Monday…” “Let’s be honest, I just cleaned for you, my house never looks this clean…” “I was super nervous!” It’s like my mini mission to try to crack the perfection armor of those around me by being the first to flinch.
Ok I never leave comments this long and I hope it wasn’t boring, rambley, or worse, completely unhelpful. I’ve never met you, but I really like you and feel strangely protective. I’d just take away all of those impostor feelings if I could…
3-4 days of ‘success’ a month – on a good month. But mostly I feel the most failurific (if ‘arsonistic’ can be a word, so can failure-ific – as in ‘terrific at failure’) on the days where I AM remotely kicking ass. It just reminds me of the millions of things MORE I feel like I should/could/want to be able to do. And the weirdest thing is, there’s a corner (quite a large corner, OK you can call it acreage) of my mind that truly believes that, if I just got the hell on with it and tried the best I know I’m able to – I COULD do all these things, brilliantly, and more. Any ‘real’ person would look at what I think I should be able to achieve and laugh – or have me institutionalized. But yet I do see them managing it all the time – clean shiny houses, slim, healthy bodies, entrepreneurial businesses, careers, ah, hell, you know all the rest.
The days when I’m not really coping, I sure know WHY I’m not really coping (on account of being batshit) so I’ve a tendency to be a bit nicer to myself. It’s when I start doing well that my ambition to do REALLY well rears its ugly head and starts berating me for not being all that it wants me to be.
God, I’m glad for this blog. Where else would all us loonies hang out and feel welcome? And you, Jenny – a role-model for dysfunction that we can live down to (I’m done with living up to other people’s standards – live DOWN, I say!).
I know this goes without saying – WE LOVE YOU. And it also goes without saying that I plan to copyright ‘failurific’ but you get free rights to use it for infinity 🙂
You are definitely not alone. The last four weeks alone, I have taken better control of my medical care, found a job doing what I love (cooking) and made lots of delicious things for my food blogs. I have done my share of work around the apartment I share with my boyfriend, made sure to call my mom at least once a week, and even won a bake-off and raised nearly $200 singlehandedly (the bake-off, which I organize but is voted on by others, raised nearly $750 overall) to help homeless veterans in New England. I’m not bragging, I’m setting some context for the following: I have at least twenty recipes that I’ve photographed for my blogs but not typed up. I also desperately need to pay some attention to my garden, my cats are about to stage a revolt over the state of their litterboxes, and I have to bribe myself with Starbucks to get the laundry done. I go to bed almost every night thinking, “Shit. Well, I guess there’s always tomorrow.” We who are fabulous put extra pressure on ourselves to excel every day, when we really need to realize that sometimes even just surviving is more than can be expected of us and it’s a miracle we did so.
Jenny, you are brave and kickass everyday, whether you feel like it or not. You just are. And that is far more important than running out of toilet paper.
And no it’s not just you, lots of us out here in depression-lies-land and even in the land of normal (whatever that actually is) feel like we’re faking it and/or sucking at being a person, because, well, everyone is making it up as they go along.
“Arsonistic” is my new favorite word, right up alongside “stabby”.
So good on you for setting some goals, but please be nice to yourself. I’m sure you’ve heard this one, but treat yourself at least as well as you would want other people to treat your best friend.
MM
I was just telling my husband the other day that I feel like an epic failure everyday. I look around and see every project I started and failed to finish. I look at my son and feel like a failure because I’m a working mom and I’m not there. I look at my marriage and feel like a failure because it isn’t nice and shiny like my best friends’ marriages appear to be. He then said the most comforting thing to me:
Do you feel like a failure because society has told you that you are? Everyday and in every way, someone or something is telling you that you haven’t lived up to their standards. But are those people happy? Do they feel accomplished at the end of the day? Because I’m sure if you actually knew them and everything that was going on in their lives, you would see they are envious of you. You may not be perfect and you may not get everything accomplished but to me you are perfect and you get everything done that is important to our happiness and I wish that was enough to make you happy. Ignore the rest.
So here is my advice Jenny – Everyday we will all struggle and there will be days that we feel like we have nothing and accomplished nothing more than taking up space and air. Those days might outnumber that great days. But try and find one thing. Just One thing everyday that brings you happiness and helps you fill fulfilled. It can be something as simple as snuggling with Hailey or actually taking the chipping paint off your toes and redoing your pedicure.
Good luck and remember that you aren’t alone. Your struggles are shared by those that follow you here. We come here because you remind us that we aren’t alone.
I feel good about myself probably two-thirds of the time. This is WAY up from a year, two years ago, when I was more like you. I was imploding trying to do and say everything right. I wanted to claw my fucking skin off.
so I get it. But no, I don’t think it’s normal to only feel good about yourself 10% of the time. Or maybe it IS normal… but it certainly is not preferable, is it?
I am very anxious and would probably be diagnosed with anxiety if I were to see a psychologist (I’m also stubborn). I think the reason I feel good about myself most of the time lately is that I’ve accepted who I am, flaws and all. I don’t compare anymore. I’ve made little shifts that make big differences. Example: Two years ago I posted a picture of my knees at the beach (You know; “hot dogs”) and captioned the picture “finally, the sun came out!” It was so obvious that I was posting a picture of my knees because I thought they looked tanned and skinny and I wanted everyone to see them. These days, if I post a picture like that, the caption reads “What a beautiful day, and how does everyone like my knees?”
Just keep being honest like you have been in this post, Jenny. It might help; and if it doesn’t, perhaps a change in some of the things you’re doing with your therapy/meds. You deserve to feel good more than 10% of the time. (And so do the rest of you whose comments I’ve read!) xoxo
First, three words: You’re not alone. Next, three more: Lower your bar. Then, the answer to your question: none. Zero days. There is always something I could have done better, or done at all, so I never feel like I’m an authentic person.
I feel for you — I am impressed that you said these words aloud (so to speak) and admitted you weren’t omnipotent. I have felt for a long time that I am not very good at being a person, either — that’s a good way to put it. I continue to hide and hope I can dazzle people with my bullshit, but I can see how damaging that is for my husband and children. But when you get right down to it, the only person you have to please is yourself (so trite, I know). I haven’t learned that lesson and I’ve been at it a lot longer than you (much older, you see). It’s on my bucket list.
I’m sure you already KNOW that comparing yourself to anyone else, or measuring your life by how it stacks up against their, is counter-productive. You might just as well slap yourself in the face. It’s not the actions — PTA, spotless house (Dull women have immaculate houses), perfect children (ditto), different (more socially acceptable) issues — it’s what’s at your core. You are very funny, but I suspect you use your wit to cover what you think are inadequacies. It doesn’t matter — you’re still very funny. You make people smile. I know that doesn’t make you feel like you have accomplished something more than 3-4 days a month, but you can’t know how you affect people when you turn your computer off and the blog is still there. It doesn’t matter if you’re crazy or even how crazy you are, or if your craziness is better or worse than mine (or anyone else’s). Everyone is crazy; some people are just better at hiding it than others (or they’re very, very rich and they don’t have to hide it — they can be “eccentric.”)
Back to the bar lowering. If you set unreasonably high expectations for yourself, 9 times out of 10 you won’t meet them. (That means your 13 percent is looking pretty good) Don’t set expectations at all — just do what you do and be happy with what you’ve done, not unhappy for what you missed doing. Why does it matter if going to the bank is all you “accomplished” in a day. Did you feed your children? Did you get a little chuckle from Beyoncé? Did you wake up? Why can’t those be accomplishments? Every day, when my alarm goes off at 4 (yes, stinking 4 a.m.) I think how much I don’t want to get up and how much I don’t want to drive 75 miles to my job in horrible traffic, then do it again that evening coming home. Every bloody day that I do is an accomplishment, and I don’t have to worry about any more. I like my job, so I do my best to accomplish something every day there, too, but I don’t always make it, and I have forced myself to stop obsessing about it. I was the road rage queen for a while, screaming at cars driving there and back, until I noticed how horrible it made me feel. I push back every day to keep things level, and there are a lot of days where that’s the only thing I get done.
You are already doing the meds/therapy thing, so that’s an accomplishment in itself. You could just be self-medicating and pretending everything is OK. You tend a garden filled with kids, a husband, a metal chicken, blogs, books, appearances and admiration from a lot of fans. That’s a lot of work, especially when you don’t think it’s all that great. But believe me, people won’t blow smoke up your ass unless they think it’ll get them something, so when all of us who do not know you other than through your very articulate words tell you most of the world is in the same boat, believe us. Nearly everyone I know is hanging by a thread. Everything is tenuous, nothing seems that wonderful or important and I have spent the better part of 60 years trying to find out what the point is. I think now that I know — there is no point. Things just are. You just do. You try to be kind to yourself, tolerant as you can be of every other stupid person out there, and have the occasional Starbucks. Once in a while you get to really look at something (a garden, a flower, a sunset, cloud, water, cat — whatever) and just be happy you got to see it. For me, life is a lot of nothing moments with a few crappy ones and a few really nice ones thrown in. I stopped listening to the news while I drive and now sing along at the top of my voice with anything that comes on. I no longer care that my husband and I have totally different tastes — in almost everything — and I’m giving myself permission to read my Kindle when I want. That’s the answer, I guess.
About the voices in your head? The mean ones? Tell ’em to pound. It’s easy for those voices to insinuate themselves, since they don’t actually have to be you. I would say hiding under the blanket with your daughter is a huge accomplishment. When she gets older, she won’t give a rat’s ass how clean the house was, or how shiny and bright you were at PTA. She’ll remember snuggling with her mom. When you get anxious about not making it to the best dressed list, or whatever it’s equivalent is in the real world, bring things down to their basest level. What’s the worst thing that can happen? If it’s not death, it’s probably survivable.
Nope, not just you. Like you, I rationally know that I have accomplished a lot. I’m a wife and a lawyer and pretty good at yoga and have a decent sense of humor. Like you, I suffer from depression, anxiety, and a number of other fun emotional issues for which — like you — I am getting treatment. Like you, I feel like I suck at life the majority of the time.
Honestly, I have maybe one day a month where I feel like I was successful. The rest of the time, I either feel like I am just barely scraping by or like I am a total and complete failure (depending on the day). And I look around and see so many pretty, shiny, happy people and I wish I had their lives…except that I am starting to get the feeling that people who look at me see a pretty, shiny, happy person. They just don’t know what my life really is.
I feel worst when I think about my marriage, because I’m such an emotional basketcase that it’s a miracle that my husband sticks around at all. I feel second worst when I think about my job, because I never bill enough, never bring in enough clients, never play the political games right.
Some more honesty…nothing makes me feel successful. I’m just waiting for the illusion of my success to come crashing down around me. And on that cheerful note, I will return to acting like it’s all OK.
I hear ya. I judge myself so much more harshly than I would anyone else. For example, my kids first day of preschool was this week and I wanted to have a cute printed sign that said “1st Day of Preschool” or some such nonsense but I forgot until the last minute so I scrawled it on the back of some random piece of paper and hurridly snapped a pic so we could get to school on time and I felt like I failed. If a girlfriend of mine had told me this story I would have said she was a rockstar for even thinking of making a sign and actually remembering to take a picture. I would have said that had she done none of those things that she was awesome and a great mom because what kid grows up to tell his therapist that his Mom didn’t make a sign for him on his first day of school or that she made a lame last minute one?! To combat that ridiculousness I remind myself that I am the best Mom for my kids and that they are loved, provided for, kept safe and secure and have all the necessities and much more. That I am enough, just the way I am, for my children.
I generally feel like I’ve gotten through most days each month, but I always feel like it’s a house of cards accomplishment and more like “whew – everything hasn’t collapsed around me yet”
Last month, my daughter (age 14 – and not one to hand out compliments, especially to one’s mother) called me “hyper-competent” and it nearly spiraled me into a total panic attack. Because now, when it all falls apart, I know that my daughter will know that I am not “hyper-competent” – I’m just flawed and normal…
You are not alone. What you describe is normal. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. We are all on different journeys. What you see on the outside is smoke and mirrors. People only let you see what they want you to see. Perception is a funny thing. What helps me is keeping a gratitude journal. What am I grateful for each day? It can be as simple as a hot cup of coffee in the morning, waking up each day, clean sheets, hot shower – or as complex as living in a dream home in the place you’ve always wanted to live – whatever you are grateful for, you will see as you write you have more positives than you realized. You’ll realize you’re kicking ass more than you realize. Love and hugs!
I haven’t read a single comment but I know that there are a ton of people that feel the same way. Also, I’m sure that people might think, when looking at me, that I’m lucky, happy, pretty, accomplished, whatever…but the truth is I go whole days feeling like a failure or that I just haven’t done enough. The days I feel best are when I set out to do something and then actually do it – or better yet get to do something for someone else. We all have strengths and weaknesses. You have an amazing internal monologue and are able to communicate it – this is a great strength and you have turned it into a career. Some bitches are good at making cookies and leading the PTA (and that makes them happy). If you are doing the best that you can (or maybe just doing what you can during that day or even that moment) then try not to beat yourself up quite as much. I have been struggling lately with some depression and I get it…It feels silly to say but you still need to say it to someone. I hope tomorrow – after reading all of these comments that just a few touch you a way that makes sense and helps increase those good days to 15 or 16 a month. Let’s be honest – if you’re getting as many good days as ones where you’re feeling defeated then that feels like a victory. I am a huge fan of your writing and will wait years for that next book. Reading your book out loud and laughing while at the airport was a huge pleasure and it was clear not just to me but to others that you are truly talented. Take care!
I’ve read your book (loved it and so did my 11 year old who asked “what’s a dildo” before i rmembered that good moms are also good censors…ooops)
I follow your blog too but, until today, I’d never felt compelled to comment.
Here’s the thing…I think that you, like most people in our industrialized, type-A loving world are really over-thinking things. Everyone feels like a failure sometimes and everyone feels like a winner at other times.
There’s no really big trick to it all, life. But I will tell you that, if you are able to learn to live in this moment rather than posting mordem over the past moments or trying hard to make the next ones different, then you might have an opportunity to really enjoy life. It takes a lot of practice. From a young age we start thinking about our future. Its kind of ingrained in our psychy.
But if you can take a moment, say when you’re sitting with your daughter and talking about school, to really listen and engage and be present in the present, you might find that you can add a few more days of success to your month.
Beating yourself up about shit you can’t change is a waste of your time and your family time. Just move forward, always try to move forward.
Though if you’d only moved forward you may not have written such a great book so what do I know? I just find, for me at least, always trying to be better is a goal worth working toward (without feeling bad about when i wasn’t better….) I hope that makes sense.
You provided my daughter and I a great deal of solace at a time that sucked ass (she had just been diagnosed with Crohns – an autoimmune disease) We laughed our butts off and felt better because of your book so, thanks for that. A lot.
Most people feel this way. Those PTA moms do too. The picnic people do not exist outside of delusions of grandeur and fantasies people like you and I make up about other people when our self doubt projects itself. I don’t do PTA, but when I meet the people’s republic of the PTA, I am reminded why the school does a lot of stupid things. Yes some moms do picnics, and yes some have gluten free diets and help their kids with homework every night, but they sacrifice something to do that. Something you could easily judge them for just the same. I personally cope through these times by embracing my inner Honey Badger, and sometimes that doesn’t work. Sometimes I have to go accomplish something to shut my brain off for a few days, like clean the kitchen including wiping down cabinets and cleaning out the fridge. It’s never easy to snap out of it long enough to accomplish something, but it helps when you do. Sometimes I shop, like buy something new for the home, to help me snap out of it. It never works, but hey, you now are the proud owner of something you don’t need. Then of course, vodka helps. So does reminding myself that the things that matter are the things I’m handling.
So I wanted to let you know why I love reading your blog (which, btw, is the ONLY one I EVER read). It’s because you are a real person, by that I mean, you are not the fake people that you described in your post. We all fail at most things, even if we don’t admit it. My biggest struggle is to be what most people think of as a good mom. My daughters are 11 and almost 13, it is so hard to be cuddly with them. I don’t even know how to describe how hard it is for me. Every time they try to be close to me, I have to stop myself from pushing them away. I don’t know why it’s hard, and I don’t tell most people, but it is. I hope you will see that you are not so different from the rest of us, and that’s why we love you 🙂
First, there are no shiny, pretty people. Not really. EVERYONE is fucked up to one degree or another. That knowledge helps me when things are going well, but what helps me in the darkest times is to only focus on the thing that’s right in front of my face, I make my world small and only think about the thing at hand. It’s hard and I don’t always get a lot done, but it shuts down the crap running around the hamster wheel in my brain. I hope you feel better. You make people laugh and lighten the load with that laughter. It counts for a lot. Thank you.
I get five minutes of confidence a day, but even as I walk around with my head held high I wonder if I’m coming across as cocky, so I crumple again.
I have spent most of my day off today in my room because I’m scared to ask my friends if they’re free to hang out. I ordered pizza so that I wouldn’t have to leave the house at all, because I couldn’t face the “who am I going to be today” decisions involved in getting dressed.
I’m at a low point and just hoping it will pass, because what else can ya do, really…
While I am lucky enough to have escaped mental illness thus far, I’m very far from having my shit together. I get to mostly pass for fully “with it” only because few people see more than my public facade. I have one or two days a week where I feel like I’ve genuinely accomplished something more significant than making it through the day. Most days, I’m content with having smiled at my family more than I frowned at them, and having remembered to say “I love you” to each of them. A real win is when I realize that I still have time to pay that bill that’s been sitting on my desk before something gets shut off, and I actually knuckle down and force myself to do it. Work offers the occasional “productive” day, and that feels pretty good. Don’t knock the days when “all” you do is survive, that’s the most important part!
So, I see that there are already almost a thousand comments, but I thought I’d add my own. I love your posts, I always have. And this is the reason why. You are not alone and talking about these issues makes me realize that I am not alone either. I always feel like a failure, but unfortunately I get proven right most of the time and I have really excellent people (read: assholes) in my life that love to point it out when ever I fail at something. I feel accomplished maybe once every few months, but somehow I manage to screw up that day too. I was in therapy for depression/anxiety/PTSD/abandonment issues,etc. but I failed at that too. Sometimes it seems the harder I try to make life work, it doesn’t. I’m not a shiny happy people and the world isn’t a shiny happy place to me… even when I double up on my meds!
I figured this was going to have a ton of comments on it, and I was right. Why did I figure that? Because I believe that part of what makes your blog so successful is your bravery at being honest. (Yeah, I know, you weren’t fishing for compliments, but i can’t help but speak the truth.) Yes, you are hilarious. Yes, you are interesting. But frankly so are a lot of people. Moreso than I personally care to acknowledge, in fact. (I much preferred my delusional pre-Internet days circa 1992 when I believe I was one of the most creative and talented people out there, as opposed to probably near the lower end of a bell curve consisting of dozens of millions of talented and creative people. But I digress.) I think my point was, one of the differences, in my opinion, between you and the Pastel People Who Allegedly Have Their Respective Shit Together (or PPWAHTRST, wait, that doesn’t really work, never mind.) Anyway, the main difference is that they are likely delusional about themselves. The whole “ignorance is bliss” thing. The smarter you are, and the more you know, the more aware you are of what you don’t know. Ignorance breeds confidence. And so on. Sucks, I know, and I could go for some ignorant bliss once in a while, but…
*scrolls back up to remember what the original question was*
I think this is more common than most people are willing to admit. “Normal” people (and I use that term with the utmost skepticism) are oftentimes in denial or just not as self-aware. And yeah, I guess that has the side effect of making them more efficient at some things. And yeah, some *aren’t* deluding themselves, and they really are that amazing and whatnot, though that doesn’t necessarily exclude them from self-doubt and imposter syndrome.
I think one of the most jarring realizations as I went kicking and screaming into adulthood, was that we’re not upgraded with a patch that allows us to magically get our shit together and be confident in what we’re doing. I spent a year writing computer-related articles for a website that I won’t plug here, and the entire time I thought, “Surely there’s someone more qualified to do this than me?” (Especially when assigned a topic that I didn’t already know a lot about and had to research heavily. I hate researching heavily. Mostly because it sends me down unrelated rabbit trails. Like these parentheticals.)
Er, okay, seeing as how i’ve taken up ten comments’ worth of material, I’m going to force myself to stop rambling now, and just say, it’s not just you, we’re all faking it on some level, and you have the guts to admit it, which is cool.
(Incidentally, my goal now is to feel successful 3-4 times a month.)
P.S. The voices in my head that don’t like me so much? Are total asshats. And yet I still tend to care about their overrated opinions. *shrug*
No, you’re not alone! I’ve been really struggling with depression for over ten years. I’m fighting a good fight, with drugs and therapy, and it’s starting to pay off. I’m having more good days than bad ones lately, and I’m thankful for that.
I’m a stay at home mom, which I love and hate. I love it because I love my kids and love being there for them when they get off the school bus. I hate it because I suck at it. I can’t keep the house clean because it takes too much energy to just get out of bed. Then I hate myself for being a failure.
Thanks for sharing, because it helps to know that awesome people I admire are also struggling.
Those of us in a club I’m in call this comparing our insides with other peoples outsides. Honestly, I think anybody running around who thinks their great and the most fabulous human being ever is probably a megalomaniac. Everybody has dirt that nobody sees. I certainly get in my head and think all my faults are visible and everyone else is fine. It’s not true.
First, I’m sorry you are suffering.
Second, I have to say it, but please bear with me: I feel great most of the time. I don’t have all my shit together, my house has dust, I’m not always productive, I can’t be bothered hyper-parenting my kids, I have clutter tendencies, I’m late to pick up my kids . . . but I’m totally fine with all of that. Maybe it’s because my standard of being a “successful human” is not whether I kick-ass all the time (or even some of the time) at any of the above. I do human well if I’m grateful for what is before me, if I can find a way to glean a lesson or insight or something good out of a shitty situation, if I can face my vulnerabilities and protect the boundaries I’ve set for myself, if I can add value to someone’s day, even (and possibly especially) if it’s someone I don’t know. In other words, my standard of success (or suckiness) as a human isn’t based on things I accomplish or what others think of me or how I measure up against others. My standard is entirely internal, and only I know when I have met it. Does that make sense?
Bear with me because I’ve never really tried to articulate this, but I feel like I was born with this internal needle that tells me when something is slightly off-kilter (my own thoughts, others’ behaviors, my relationships, etc.) and my then my focus becomes listening to my inner voice guide me to do what I need to to set the needle right again. My inner voice is the only one that can tell me how to set it right. So while I have many many loved ones in my life, I rarely turn to them to give me answers because they don’t know. They don’t feel what I feel. They can’t tell when the needle is re-set. What this also means is that I don’t find myself comparing myself to others in any way that is meaningful, and so I don’t feel disappointment that I’m not as [fill in the blank] as X is. I just…don’t.
Maybe it’s because I’ve never thought of myself in terms of the roles I fulfill. Yes, I have children, but I don’t think of myself as a “MOM” and that it therefore follows that I will engage in a certain, predefined set of behaviors and if I don’t, I must not be a good MOM. Instead, I interact with my kids based on my objectives: for example, I want to be in loving relationships with them, I want them to become happy, productive, fulfilled members of society, I want them to feel supported by me, etc. and I ask myself, “how do I meet that objective? Is it working? Do I need to change something about my behavior?” My internal needle will tell me. Sometimes the answers are scary and the needle must be reset–that’s where the vulnerability comes in–but I crave the equilibrium.
Does that help at all?
Ok, so I don’t have depression/anxiety (well at least not diagnosed anyway), but I feel like this a good majority of the time. People only post things on Facebook, Pinterest, etc. that they are comfortable with the world seeing, and it’s not necessarily reality. I think inside we all feel broken, I know I do. I often feel like I don’t deserve my beautiful family or my job or whatever. Sometimes I feel like I do. And I have a quadrillion unfinished projects and to-dos – EVERYONE does. Except my mom, for some reason she can just tackle that ish.
I think you need to give yourself permission to let things slide, and to spend 10 minutes staring at the boxes that you might never ever unpack. Permission to just be barely keeping your head above water, and sometimes not even that. You can tell that you prioritize your daughter’s health and time with her, and do as much as you can to fulfill the role of her mother. And that is a lot for anyone to handle. Most of the time, my kids are where 80% of my energy goes, and I’ve got to figure out how to make the rest of my life go with the other 20%. That pressure will ease up a bit as they get older, and in the meantime it’s okay to not be okay some of the time
You are not alone, and I thank you for this post.
This year has definitely been a bad one for me. For the past few months, my time of feeling productive and/or successful have been 0-1 days. However, even when life looked better to me, it was only 3-4 days a month. I finished graduate school last year with honors and thought I may finally have bright future ahead of me. I had a full time job while I went to school, but our company was downsized this year and I’ve struggled to find a job since. Apparently, I’m either overqualified or underqualified for everything.
Add to this, I have suffered from depression that I have kept to myself since I was a teenager. The few times I have tried to share my feelings with others, I have been told to “suck it up, we all have problems”, “cheer up- things will get better” or “that’s too bad, I’ll pray for you”, none of which are very helpful when you feel like nothing has gone right in your life. I’m in my 40s and single and have had more difficulty recently hearing friend’s happy updates on their families and careers. Everyone else seems to have it together and while I know everyone’s story can be different behind closed doors, it hasn’t been easy to watch this year. I am happy for them, but it makes me withdraw even more.
I will say that I finally started therapy last month, something I should have done years ago. I have told a handful of people and gotten a mixed reaction. It makes me very unlikely to share it with many other people in my life. There is still a sense of shame with it, at least from people close to me.
You never cease to amaze me. You make me laugh like no other. Your book got me through some awful days. I can only hope to be half as successful as you are (in terms of writing/humour/loving parent/wife). You are a shiny person to me.
And yet, you don’t pretend that all the shittiness doesn’t still get to you, despite so many amazing successes. That’s so unfortunate and yet so refreshing at the same time.
Sorry…what an terrible thing to say. Let me try again.
Like you and many others here, I suffer from depression and anxiety. I think that if we were to really talk to those shiny, pretty people, we’d see that they feel like us from time to time, too. But for whatever reason, they aren’t admitting to it. They aren’t doing anyone, in particular themselves, any favours.
Depression is a flaw in chemistry, not character.
Yes. I totally get what you are feeling! The days go by and I wonder why I haven’t accomplished more. Or anything at all. And listen, you don’t know me. But your post made me cry today, and you asked for thoughts, so here are mine.
In my experience, the only thing that has saved me was to address the spiritual dimension of my life. I’m not going to tell you what to believe or how to think. I’m just saying we are made up of a body and a mind and a spirit. And all the body and mind work in the world won’t make us whole. I hope that means something personal and specific to you. And if it does, go for it. See where it leads you. For me, contentment comes from feeling like a whole person. (Or whole-ish. Haven’t gotten to whole, but I feel better.)
Final thought: Pinterest is the very best, most lovely, perfect moments, most of which are staged. It’s not real. I think we all go there to try to capture a feeling. Nothing wrong with that, unless it makes you feel bad instead of inspired. Thanks so much for your authenticity today. The internet is totally hugging you.
I have months that I don’t have a good day. 3 weeks ago I traded in my old car for a newer model and it was the only day I felt that was a good day in the whole month, my excitement didn’t even last 24 hours. Everyday I feel numb and just getting by day to day. I get off work and go straight to bed to watch tv. On the weekends I lay in bed all weekend watching tv.
I saw something on Facebook about writing down every accomplishment on a piece of paper and putting it in a jar and at the end of the year (or whenever you need a pick me up) take them out and read them to remind yourself of how much you’ve accomplished. I’m going to try this to see if it helps, maybe it will help you.
Thanks for sharing your struggles with us.
I feel just like you, about once a week. it used to be all the time, but I’m better after lots of therapy. I also found it helpful to judge myself by my daughter’s happiness and successes. She is now 22 , graduated from college last spring, has a job and moved out on her own. And somedays now, I find myself floundering again, desperate to feel like people would notice if I disappeared. I start all kinds of projects and can’t seem to finish them. I want to just spend the day (or the week) in bed, with the phone turned off. My job seems pointless, overwhelming and time consuming, but just makes me feel like I am treading water , still looking for my real life to begin. So, I try to remind myself that I only need to make myself happy, I don’t need to compare myself with anyone else. I’m not the most outgoing person, although, people who think they know me would say that I am. I have a handful of true friends, who often admit to feeling the same way I do. Who remind me that most of those people who look like they have perfect , productive, meaningful lives, also have cracks if you were to look closer. And most importantly, they help me to laugh at myself and that seems to help. I have also learned to take some credit once in a while. To stand up and say , “I did that” , ” I made that”, or “I worked hard on that”. Makes me think of Tom Hanks in Castaway–” I. I have made FIRE!” the double “I” reminds me that is the most important part. Not that he made the fire, but that HE did whatever. At my lowest point, after my divorce and breast cancer and being shunned by those damned PTA moms who set meetings at 11am so the working moms couldn’t really participate, I installed a ceiling fan all on my own. It took me three long nights after work . I still feel that pride when I took credit for doing it and told everybody that I did that. That damn ceiling fan is almost keeping me from selling that house, but when I really think about it, I know that I can do it again, and I can do other things that matter. To me.
Most days I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. I look back on my life and think I could’ve done more and been better. I rarely feel “successful” and when people give me compliments, it’s hard for me to accept them because the voices in my head tell me I haven’t done enough. I don’t need other people to hate me because I do that well enough on my own. Then when I feel like I can’t feel any worse, I hear someone else’s story. I realize how much better I had it that them, then I feel even worse because that person has overcome incredible obstacles to achieve so much and what have I done. It’s a vicious cycle for me.
I have learned that just because someone has a pretty outside package doesn’t mean they’re not fighting their own battles. Because I too have seen those picture-perfect women who have it all, are dressed like they stepped out off the run-way, everything is coordinated, and somehow they make everything look easy. And most days, I struggle just to find clothes that fit! But I’ve learned that some people are just better at masking their battles.
What has helped me the most is finding a group I actually feel like I fit into where I can be open and share my fears. I’ve been a member of a group called the Start Experiment for a month now. During that time, I’ve met some amazing people who have similar fears and voices that I do. And it’s helped me to learn that I’m not the only one with fear. Everyone has fear. And I’m not the only one who hears the negative voices telling me I’m not good enough or smart enough or creative enough. Everyone has those demons. That’s where being part of a community/tribe helps. Because you learn that you’re not alone in what you fear. And the beauty of being a member of a tribe is that by talking about our fears and negative voices, we (1) learn that others feel the same way and therefore don’t feel so alone, and (2) can help and support each other to punch fear in the face. Is it easy? No. Can it be done in a day? Not usually. But I’ve found that sharing our fears, talking about our failures, and creating a dialogue is the best way to climb out of the mire.
A month ago, I had similar thoughts to yours – that I could never be a writer, that I have nothing interesting to say, and that even when I write no one would want to read it. That proceeded to create a terrible writer’s block, which didn’t help. After being a part of the start community, I’ve not only written 25 blog posts, I’ve actually publicized them by creating a FB page for my blog and tweeting them, In a month, I have had a few hundred views of my blog and a small (but growing!) following. It’s been an amazing month! Do I still struggle with self-doubt and loathing? Absolutely. But I know now that I can turn to my group and we can talk and deal with it.
Jenny, we don’t sail this life alone. Always remember to reach out to your tribe. And consider that over 1000+++ folks have responded, with many, if not all, knowing exactly how you feel.
It’s hard for me to say, but I completely empathize with you.
Fellow blogger from the Central Texas region that suffers from extreme imposter syndrome and a bad side effect of comparisons.
I feel I’m successful maybe 1-2 days a week and I go through identity crises most other days wondering what I’m doing with my life.
Depression is a bitch.
I am not happy.
I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything in… years.
It is SO not you.
I can’t remember the last time I had a day that was sunrise to sunset full of awesome. I am writing this at work, for gosh sakes. Clearly, not having a successful day. I’ve been reading through the Chookooloonks (love you for introducing her to me, she’s unbelievable) most of the day. That is, after I got to work an hour late because I just couldn’t get myself up.
One of her posts especially resonated with me because she stated: Do what you love.
Do what you love.
I have thought for awhile that I am pretty messed up because I have NO DREAMS. I do not have a dream. You, you know that you love to write, and yes you struggle, but you write. I have no conviction, no courage. I have no inner voice driving me to do anything, even something that I do poorly. I have things that I like, things that I wish. But I have no dreams.
You are so not alone. I try to remember that every person I see has a world filled with struggles. But it is impossible. I am reasonable, and logical, and android-like because I know deep-down that every person struggles in a way that means they are the only one struggling that way. We all feel that our lives are the hardest. We are all having our own worlds full of sorrows, embarrassments, disappointments, regrets.
I know, logically, that my struggles are no more or less than yours, than anyones. That is a logical thing to know. But it doesn’t help with the ache in my chest. That feeling of, what am I doing, what should I be doing, why do I not know.
I don’t think there is much I can say to you that you aren’t already trying to tell yourself. Depression lies.
If you have 3 – 4 successful days each month… wow. That is amazing. There is no average amount of happiness we get to have.
I don’t even quite know what happiness is. My mind is so robotic, that I only know the feeling of, “Yes, this is a happy moment. I am being happy”. But how unnatural that is, to observe yourself being happy.
I think that if your happiest moments are snuggling with your daughter, those are the most important ones.
I don’t know if you feel an enormous amount of pressure, being in the position you are. I would imagine so. My normal eight to five and standard social interactions keep me exhausted, and nobody is really expecting much out of me besides that. I hope you can understand that if you were to take a break, like Allie, nobody would be upset. This internet thing is important, but you are more important.
And if you are shaking that off right now, I understand that too. I don’t know what it would be like to take a compliment or advice or anything without extreme embarrassment and the assumption that they don’t really understand what I did, or who I am.
Maybe what we need to think about is – that perfect PTA mom or dad, that blogger who is so inspiring and seems freaking omnipotent, our parents, the neighbor with annoyingly green grass, that friend who is so funny and how do they stay so thin? – well. They have anxiety. Or their dog just died. Or they hate their body. They wish they were funny like you. They want to quit their job and stay at home but can’t afford it. They are unhappy too.
I’m not able to tell you that you’re normal, or you’re not. I feel like I wake up and pretend, all day, every day. In my world, even though you are suffering from all sorts of mental crap, you are successful, you are doing what you love, painful word by painful word. You are living.
To you, it doesn’t feel that way, because you are in it. Our perceptions are so powerful. Your pain is the greatest pain, because it is yours. My pain is the greatest pain, because it is mine.
There is no normal. There is no right, there is no wrong. We are extremely fragile, and the best we can do is to try to breathe in and breathe out. Notice the butterflies and the funny way that birds walk. Listen to our children when they speak and let ourselves be free in books and tv.
I don’t know if I’m living or pretending to live, and I guess I won’t ever know.
But I think you are okay. And I hope I will be okay too.
Since I’m comment #876 (at least), I’m guessing you probably have plenty of evidence that it’s not just you :), but I’ll throw my $0.02 anyway. I feel like this all the time, especially lately. I’ve had severe panic disorder for over a decade, but managed to be somewhat functional, although the concept of people going places and actually having fun, rather than just trying to keep it together, seemed bizarre. I also can’t take medication (an SSRI triggered the severe panic attacks, and also left me with pill-taking anxiety, so anti-anxiety medicine generally induce a small panic attack and never really relax me).
And to top things off, a few months ago, something in my head went wonky, and I now get super dizzy and light-headed when I walk into stores and other businesses. Tests show nothing wrong, and doctors don’t really know what to do (and love blaming it on my panic disorder, so talk about doubting oneself!). So I am now in the position where the simple act of going to the grocery store, or library, or Target, is pretty close to impossible. That REALLY makes me feel like I’m failing at basic life. Right now, a successful day is one where I am able to go to a library and make it to the book return counter.
But here’s the thing – I used to run dog sporting events and teach dog training classes, and worked for a vet. And I’m pretty certain that if you asked anyone who saw me doing all that, they would say I had it all together, and seemed like I was totally organized and in control. In fact, I’m positive of that, because I have had people say that to me – “you’re so calm, you’re so on top of everything”, etc.! So I try to remember that, because I know I was a total mess, so it stands to reason that people whom I think are perfect and together and on top of everything, might just be as messed up as I am. We’re all just really good at hiding it…
I have many many days where my ONLY goal is to be upright and breathing at bedtime- hygiene is sometimes optional. It seems to be the first thing to go for me when my depression kicks in. Isn’t that gross?
As someone who also suffers and as someone who has heard other people say this, it sounds really shallow and really artificial, but if you can just keep in the back of your mind that really IS the depression talking, maybe it will help? I know I’ve gotten angry when people have said it to me but sometimes it has helped.
I wish you many many many, no, ALL the days of feeling like you have made a difference, bc you have!
Much ove and peace!
A
Long time lurker, first time commenter (ever on any blog). As you’ve probably figured out from almost all the comments, you are definitely not alone. I never knew there was a name for this syndrome, but have felt exactly the same way since high school at least. I’ve been phoning it in at work for several years and the worst time of year for me is performance appraisal time – when you are supposed to write up your accomplishments for the year, ugh! The thing that helps me cope is the same thing as poster 110 – don’t compare yourself to others. Since I’m a female in a predominantly male workplace, I don’t have to worry about measuring up to a bunch of young, beautiful, fashionable women. I’m the slowest person on my weekly bike rides, but dammit – I’m out there if I’m in town and finish the rides.
{{Jenny}}
It isn’t just you. Trust me and all these other people when we tell you that everybody feels this way at some time or another; some people are simply better at ignoring the demons and doubts than others. Everybody has dusty boxes to unpack, and fears, and insecurities, and even failures and dirty hair. I don’t say this to you to give you the idea that you are not special, but to make sure you understand that you are not alone! We live in a world that idolizes sports stars and movie stars and people who generally appear to be making millions of dollars for doing very little, and it sucks because in the end it generally makes the majority of us feel like we are so small and insignificant that we hardly even exist. But in reality, the fact that we DO exist and we keep plugging along, putting one foot in front of the other, living our mundane little daily lives, raising our children (including our fur-children, who are also important!), running our errands, finding joy and amusement in even the simple things – these are the important things in life! Yes, I struggle with depression too. And sometimes anxiety. And sometimes simple ill-will toward mean or irritating people. But every day that I wake up and realize that yesterday was not my last day on earth and I’m still here taking breath and living for another day HAS to be the best day of my life. I think that is what it is all about. {{Hugs}} to you!
You’re not alone. I feel successful 0 days out of the month and I’m not on any medication unless you count self medicating with food or alcohol. Those people you mentioned with the perfect lives and unpacked boxes…I don’t know any of those kinds of people. I never have. I think they only exist in Stepford Wives fiction. Look for the cracks. They’re there. Some people are just better at hiding them.
I feel like that most of every day. Every night when I go to bed I think of all the things I could have done but didn’t, all the ways I failed. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything. I get moments of accomplishment right after I finish a task but then I notice all the things I could be doing next. It’s a constant battle to not feel like I am wasting my time and every one else’s by not achieving enough. I feel like my existence is a waste and a nuisance. I know my friends don’t see it that way and realistically I have achieved a fair amount but it’s still not enough.
I’ve never actually said this in a public forum before, or said it to anyone actually and it hurts to say this is how I feel deep down, every day.
As you know, you’re not alone. I feel this way a lot. I’m a mostly stay at home mom of two small children and sometimes, I feel like such a failure when my husband comes home and all I’ve done all day is change diapers and feed them.
After my first was born, I found it helped some to have a to-do list for every day of the week. I’m anal enough that I have it in an excel spreadsheet and I x off every task, sometimes adding in tasks just to x them out and feel like I did something. It helps some. I do feel a bit annoyed with myself on days I don’t x off stuff, but that’s the trade off. It might help you. Even if it’s “make coffee, pack Hailey’s lunch, pick Hailey up from school (which I totally have on mine for my kids’ MDO).”
So I wanted to let you know why I love reading your blog (which, btw, is the ONLY one I EVER read). It’s because you are a real person, by that I mean, you are not the fake people that you described in your post. We all fail at most things, even if we don’t admit it. My biggest struggle is to be what most people think of as a good mom. My daughters are 11 and almost 13, it is so hard to be cuddly with them. I don’t even know how to describe how hard it is for me. Every time they try to be close to me, I have to stop myself from pushing them away. I don’t know why it’s hard, and I don’t tell most people, but it is. I hope you will see that you are not so different from the rest of us, and that’s why we love you 🙂
I used to feel like this constantly. Like I was a waste of space. I don’t know if this would help you, but it helped me. I got involved in a local equine rescue here in Texas and it changed my life. Part of it was the horses, part of it was the woman that runs it. Being out in the sunshine everyday devoting myself to saving something other than just me made a huge difference. I still get depressed. I still have a hard time believing in myself… But it’s better. When I am out at the ranch, connecting with a horse, I am happy. I will take one day a week of happiness right now because it is better than one day a month. I call that progress. I would be more than happy to share this world with you if you ever want to try it. You might be glad you did.
The whole time I was reading this blog, I had to look around for secret spy equipment or something. I feel like this all the damn time and I understand how compliments make it worse. You see yourself a certain way and those compliments are to a person who you don’t think exists… thus you feel worse that you can’t be who everyone thinks you are. T_T
Big accomplishment of the day… I put on pants (but that is because I haven’t shaved my legs and the yeti look isn’t in) I’m glad you shared because now I know I’m not alone with these feelings. I have to accept the pills I take are medication not miracles, so every problem can’t be fixed… just managed better with them in my system.
Apparently, we’re all in this boat together and by the number of responses… it is one big ass boat. We’re all in good company.
I can’t remember the last time I actually felt accomplished. I came close after cooking dinner last night, but then I decided I wasn’t going to clean up the mess. I come home from work daily to a house that constantly looks as if a tornado went through it while i was out (Due to the mini tornadoes I live with and the one I’m married to) and then I’m too tired from work and shuttling kids to volleyball and softball practices in the evenings to want to clean house. The Laundry pile is forever growing faster than I can get things washed. I’ve been in my house for almost 6 years, and have yet to unpack boxes upon boxes that are still waiting in my garage. I don’t invite people over anymore, but when they show up anyway, they just have to excuse the mess because I’m past trying to people please in my own home. I’m pretty sure you can move the clean laundry over and drink a beer, thank you very much. A good day for me is when I actually brush my hair prior to pulling it up, so I guess I’m having a good day today! Don’t try to keep up with the Jones, its all a front!
EVERYONE is like this, with or without a diagnosis. Everyone fucks up. Everyone picks their nose. The problem you have, as I see it, is that you’re more self-aware than 98% of the population. Trust yourself, and remember – You are not alone.
Try a Gratitude practice. It really does help with not seeing the world through shit-colored glasses. Also, we all feel that way. Read Russell T. Davies’ “The Writer’s Tale” and you’ll feel so normal and validated. He goes through the same thing, often.
I think that part of the problem, is that people compare themselves to people they deem to be perfect, but they really aren’t. Nobody is perfect and the people you think are perfect (on facebook or pinterest or on the PTA) are just really good at hiding the shit they’re going through and their faults. My policy is to say, screw what other people think, screw that I’m not like them, as long as I’m happy, and I’m making the people in my life happy, then my life is good. And don’t determine if you’re happy by comparing yourself to others, that is key.
This song that I recently discovered by Nina Simone helps me when I’m feeling down and unsuccessful as a human being:
I’d say that if you feel like you’re kicking ass 3-4 times a month, you’re actually doing pretty well!
I do not (to my knowledge anyway!!) have a mental illness (unless you count my compulsion to rescue stray cats) but there are whole stretches of days that go by where I:
– don’t bathe or brush my hair (sometimes I don’t even brush my teeth!)
– don’t get out of my pyjamas (even if they are covered in cat hair and a little bit of hairball puke)
– hide behind the couch if someone knocks at my door so I won’t have to face anyone
– binge on Red Bull, tuna and ruffles (seriously though, tuna with mayo as a dip for ruffles potato chips is AWESOME).
Luckily, as a photographer, 80% of my job can be done from home (post-processing, scheduling, designing albums for clients, blogging, etc.). The 20% of the time when I have to meet clients I make the effort to look and act “normal”, but the truth is that if I could stay home, watching reality TV while I stuff my face with red velvet cupcakes and edit photos of beautiful people, I totally would!
Like you, I have a handful of great days every month, where I feel like I have accomplished something, that I am successful and that I am making something of my life. Mostly the feelings of satisfaction come from my work, but occasionally I feel triumphant just because I managed to clean all the litter boxes (we have 15, so I think I DO deserve props for that!). A couple of days I month I have the feeling that I’m wasting my time, not getting anywhere and wonder if I should throw in the towel and move to Mongolia to volunteer at at orphanage… The rest of the days… well, monotony marches on. BUT if I didn’t have those blah days and those average “nothing spectacular” days, then I don’t think I would appreciate the great days as much, because they wouldn’t stand out.
I think that with social media these days, everyone is putting things out there so the world will perceive them as happy, successful, organized… basically as having their shit together. I do it too… so to answer your question “Is it just me?”. Nope. Not at all. There are platoons of others out there with the same feelings of inadequacy, but most of us won’t admit to it publicly. Kudos to you for telling it like it is 🙂
SHUT. UP. RIGHT. NOW. JENNY. LAWSON.
(Except don’t.)
I awoke the Hubster at 5am TO-fucking-DAY to discuss this very thing! I feel like my kids love me because I’m their mom but they secretly hope they are nothing like me in the slightest. After a successful day of, ya know, washing the dishes or making it to the bank, I feel pretty good about myself but then I lie awake in bed and feel like I’m barreling toward death at great speed and everyone will be scrambling to find cool stuff to say about me at my funeral.
I make a full time living performing as a freelance opera singer and giving voice lessons to a few students. I feel like an imposter almost every day. It is only when I get praise from someone whose opinion I respect that I feel any good about my abilities at all. I’d say that’s 3-4 times a month max, like you. It’s so easy with the judgementalism of the business, combined with my perfectionism, procrastination, laziness, and low self-esteem to be super hard on myself, and discount the amazing things I do (leads in productions in exotic places! People calling me offering me awesome work with amazing artists! People who love what I do enough to put their money where their mouth is, over and over again) and focus on the fact that I still haven’t made a budget for this year, that I haven’t paid my estimated taxes, that my bedroom is still a shambles, that I have been putting off major life events that NEED to get done, that I’m not as dedicated or as hardworking as the REALLY admired performers in my field, that I didn’t get this awesome job when I could be doing it SO MUCH BETTER than the one who got it. I’m slowly learning to forgive myself, to reward myself for every step I take out of my comfort zone, and to reach out to others, both to help them and to share the story of my struggles, so we both know we’re not alone.
What do you want to do? I’d say start with specific goals and then decide exactly how you’re going to accomplish them. And if you don’t do exactly what you said, you can always try again. If we’re not doing what we want to then that’s not really functioning. Your therapist can help you with this. Mine did. And I went to a play. A PLAY! I have agoraphobia so that’s a big deal. And not only did I go, but I didn’t have to run out and throw up halfway through. It’s no big deal that you’re not one of those pretty PTA people, because honestly, those people are running from a lot of stuff. They’re not really happy. Either that or they’re psychopaths. Like Gwyneth Paltrow. My mom was never the PTA mom, and she was referred to by her coworkers as the “vest lady” for many years and I’m just as fine as anyone else. The problem with depression, as you know, is the lack of motivation to do much of anything. This makes life difficult for us, but we can do things. We’re just letting the things our brains tell us control what we do. We don’t have to do what our depression/anxiety brains say. Do what you really want to do.
P.P.S. How’s this for ‘Imposter Syndrome’: I have deliberately avoided attempting anything particularly creative and/or public in my immediate geographic area, so as to avoid the risk of people taking an interest in me, looking further into who I am on a daily basis, and learning “The Ugly Truth.”
Social media’s a bag of dicks. It’s the whole “seeing everyone’s highlight reel” phenom. While you are up to your elbows in shame-dust, the Pinter-bitches make heart-shaped sandwiches on vegan bread! But what you don’t see is the coffee mug full of chardonnay* and browser history full of liposuction litigation advise.
To pile on the cliches:
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I feel like you quite a lot too. I have to remind myself that it’s ok to be me. And “me” rarely washes her hair!
*no judgement!
I can’t remember the last time I actually felt accomplished. I came close after cooking dinner last night, but then I decided I wasn’t going to clean up the mess. I come home from work daily to a house that constantly looks as if a tornado went through it while i was out (Due to the mini tornadoes I live with and the one I’m married to) and then I’m too tired from work and shuttling kids to volleyball and softball practices in the evenings to want to clean house. The Laundry pile is forever growing faster than I can get things washed. I’ve been in my house for almost 6 years, and have yet to unpack boxes upon boxes that are still waiting in my garage. I don’t invite people over anymore, but when they show up anyway, they just have to excuse the mess because I’m past trying to people please in my own home. I’m pretty sure you can move the clean laundry over and drink a beer, thank you very much. A good day for me is when I actually brush my hair prior to pulling it up, so I guess I’m having a good day today! Don’t try to keep up with the Jones, its all a front
Hi Jenny, I told you earlier in the week that I wrote about how you helped me, so it’s my turn to help you.
I feel the exact same way. I sort of stopped taking my meds, and (I thought) I felt mostly okay, but I’m realizing I’ve been completely useless and depressed this whole time. I think you should talk it over with your Dr., maybe a dosage adjustment is in order?
Jenny,
Although I have a degree in psychology, I am not a psychologist, nor do I play one on the Internet (yet). However, I probably have more knowledge of GAD than any 50 therapists you’ll meet at Starbucks (which is where I pick up therapists usually). I literally collected a library on the topic before I started working with a combined treatment/research facility here in the great NW.
What you’re feeling is so normal, even for humanoids without anxiety disorders. GAD exacerbates all of those feelings, of course. Remember that civilization is just a thin veneer pulled over the lives we all live behind closed bathroom stalls while writing graffiti about Tim in Marketing because he’s a douche to Marcy and I can’t understand WHY she’s dating him. What we see of others is not their real lives. They’re struggling too.
One of the greatest morsels of wisdom I ever heard was, “Thoughts are just opinions. They’re not facts.” I repeat that to myself a thousands times a day when I start messin’ with my own head.
A book I read that helped me drop a lot of the shame around GAD was “The Anxious Brain” by Margaret Wahrenberg. Good stuff.
We love you, Jen. You have no idea how much joy your book and blog have brought to my life. And BTW, I aspire to be less productive in my life. I think it’s a more civilized way to live.
Brian
There are maybe four days a year I feel like Superman. I see accomplishments are meeting or exceeding the internal model I hold myself against. I see around corners, miles outside the box, and I perform feats of time-space magic.
If I’m lucky, I have a day or two a week where I’m remotely approaching the person that I want to be.
There are lots of days that I am ashamed of what has not been accomplished and my responses to bad situations.
I feel old, fat & tired. I seem to have lost my power, my Kung Fu. This is simply not the person I want to be.
But then, every once in a while, I’m Superman.
That’s enough for now.
GIRL.
It used to be about 5 days a month in a good month. Now I’m up to maybe half of the month? But that’s probably just because I am having a metric shitton of sex with a mega hot guy.
I feel like a terrible mother most days, even the days I know I’ve nailed it, on paper. I don’t think I will ever feel like I have done enough for them, but then I watch them go out and kick ass, and I know it’s me.
As far as the PTA goes, PSHAW. I ran one for years. You think YOU have issues? Go meet the local PTA. Infiltrate. STUDY them. The PTA made me feel more sane than any medication ever has.
Also, you could, too, flash a minister. http://shannonigans.co/wimsc/2008/2/19/every-day-is-a-chance-to-learn-and-grow.html
But really, remember this – when my life flipped upside down, how many people offered to murder someone to help me transition back to US life? ONE, JENNY LAWSON. Only one. And maybe it seemed silly at the time, but that offer was the difference between me falling apart completely and me knowing that if it got real bad, someone had me. So there, add that to your good person day list.
As many have said here, you are not alone. As a person that doesn’t really have any (diagnosed) mental issues, I can tell you that we all struggle with living our lives. It’s hard to keep the negative thoughts out.
We can not measure our accomplishments and successes by comparing ourselves to others. We all can not cure a disease, or go to the moon, or make a ton of money, or be famous and skinny. We must set goals for ourselves (large or small) and then accomplish them. And then we are successful.
But, why do we feel like we need to be “successful” to begin with? It’s unattainable. Just because people seem successful, it doesn’t mean they are happy.
If your daughter is healthy and happy, and you and your husband love each other (most of the time), then, in my book, that is success! You can be proud of this! Live one day at a time, and in the end, you’ll look back and know you were authentic, you were successful, you had a good life and it made a difference.
I deal with depression and anxiety as well and I would say, like you, I have 3-4 good days each month where I function at what feels like a high level but is typically half as functional as my friends who dont deal with mental illness. Most days if I managed to shower AND do the dishes I give myself a pat on the back quickly followed by a deep sense of shame that I dont do more. I went from being an extremely religious person to hoping that there is nothing after this life because the thought of continuing to exists forever is so exhausting I can’t deal with it. When my husband works hard day in and day out I feel guilty that I dont bring an equal amount of productivity to our life together. But when the days are really bad I try to spend them finding things to laugh at and reminding myself the good days will come again and perhaps quicker if I can will my lead filled body into moving out the door and into the world for what could perhaps be a day of unexpected adventure. Pushing through the pain of anxiety into the unknown can be amazing and I am unapologetically proud of myself on those days.
I battle with depression and feel this way, too. I am at a low point right now and when that happens I just feel like an inadequate human being who doesn’t contribute much to the world and doesn’t take advantage of, well, the advantages I have in my life. Then I berate myself for the paralysis all the while intellectually aware that it is the depression, which makes it worse because I should be able to control what I am aware enough to realize.
I hear ya on this. 2-3 days a month, tops, for me.
I just have to keep reminding myself that people only put the best version of themselves out on social media. So naturally, you’ll only see the glitter and sparkles. I often have to remind myself that everyone is fighting a different battle and for every “hit” a successful person has, they’ve also had 100 “misses”.
I didn’t leave my house for six years. Every day it was just easier to stay inside my ‘cave’. My husband would drag me out to doctors appointments. I could handle being in the car. Just couldn’t handle being around people. Well, I didn’t like going outside of my comfort circle if I had to be in the car. During that time I felt like a waste of flesh every day that I didn’t go out. That my husband did the grocery shopping. That he took the kids shopping and out and about for things. I’d do things around the house. I’d bake for them. I’d cook their favorites but I couldn’t be an active part of their lives. Through crappy circumstances, of us losing our home, I was forced to leave my cave. I can handle going to the grocery store at non-peak times. But going to my nephews preschool graduation left me in a cold sweat and I ran out the moment it was done. I could still feel like a waste of flesh every day, sometimes I do, but I take the small victories so I don’t spiral back down into the self loathing.
I’m better than the Pinterest posting-clothes sewing-everything from scratch PTA mom. While she is posting about her accomplishments on Pintrest, I am talking about a book that I read with my kid. While she is hand sewing all their snowflake outfits, I am watching Big Bang with mine. I have to believe that I am better for my own kids because of the small things I do with them. I may not be at the PTA meeting but I’m at the library with them. I may not sew their clothes but I crochet them zombies and various other monsters. You have to pick your battles or get pulled under.
I still feel like crap. But I feel like crap a lot less when I choose to find one thing I’m proud of doing each day. Be it just walking outside or learning how to filet crochet.
This is just being a human being. The difference between you and those shiny happy people? You don’t fake it. I bet if you really examined those kinds of people, you’d see someone trying too damn hard to put on a front.
I sometimes have anxiety attacks and have made my husband miserable on more than one occasion by making him leave a place when I felt overwhelmed. I often felt not good enough when we first married because I was very young and had zero confidence.
I also just went through a mini-depression about a year ago, when I had accomplished all my goals (finished college, got the job I wanted, etc.) and still felt like shit. It isn’t the things you accomplish – it’s the acceptance of the small victories and the moments of happiness you feel and give to others. So what if you haven’t gotten all dolled up – you are up and breathing! Chronic illnesses, like arthritis and depression also drain the energy and heart out of you. I try to maintain a Buddhist outlook – life is suffering so embrace the small good things.
Jenny, you are funny, smart and you love with your whole heart. You couldn’t say the things you say about your daughter without being full of love. It’s what we leave behind that matters; and you will have a daughter filled with empathy, who appreciates the whimsical and sees humor as the beautiful thing it really is, a way to face all the shitty things in life.
So what if a box doesn’t get unpacked? Obviously you don’t need anything in that box or you would be missing it. Maybe it should just go to a thrift store – where it could become someone’s James Garfield.
Don’t doubt yourself – it’s the damn depression talking, and we know it lies. There’s a herd of us out here who love your wit, kindness and joy, and we feel good knowing there is someone out there like us. We lift each other up during these periods of lying depression.
I’ve read your site for a long time, and have identified with your battle with anxiety and depression. But never has anyone ever written a post that could be word-for-word a description of my life. I, too, feel maybe 3-4 days a month are good, productive days. The rest of the time I feel as not only a failure as a mother, wife, and daughter but as a person in general. And I too hate it when people compliment me, even if it is something I genuinely did well, because it’s still so much less than other people seem to do on a regular basis.
I know I’m not alone in this feeling, but that usually doesn’t really make me feel any better. For what it’s worth, you and your blog do make me feel better more often than not. Both with the camaraderie that I feel with you in regards to health issues and with the many hilarious posts that are sometimes the only things that make me laugh during the course of the entire day. Words can’t express how thankful I am for that. I only wish I could do the same for you, because we both deserve to be happy.
I don’t know if this comment will help you or really answer your questions in any way, but I just want you to know that you’re in my thoughts, and I hope things feel better for you one day. And you are most definitely not alone.
Here’s my take. I know I don’t get as much shit done as other people. I avoid Pinterest like the damn plague for just that reason. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to ‘what I should be doing’ vs ‘what I know I’m truly capable of doing’. Perhaps that’s my (and many other folks’) biggest downfall. Knowing your limits. Truly responding to your body and your mind and saying ‘this is all I got and that’s ok for now’. And then somehow magically not comparing yourself to those around you. I don’t actually think anyone /does/ have their shit together, to be perfectly honest. I think they’re probably just better (or care more about) putting on a good mask, being a good actor.
So in answer to your question – I’ve got a few good days a month, I’d say. Or as another commenter pointed out, a few good hours a day. It’s really that varied for me. And the biggest help in getting thru my anxiety and depression is letting those moments come and go and not putting any judgment on them. I kick ass while I can, and when things start to slip, I just go with it. The more I fight it, the worse it gets. That’s just me, though. I know others NEED that crack of the whip to get things done. Anyway, I’m sure you know by now with the plethora of comments you indeed are NOT alone in feeling this way. And thank you, once again, for making it a topic of discussion. You’re a big reason why I’m so comfortable discussing this shit. You’re a good role model for me 🙂
We could make a club, except we’d never get around to planning meetings or getting matching t-shirts or anything, so we could just say it’s a club and just know we’re in it together.
I try to make myself have one good day a week. I feel like if I did one great thing on one day each week, then that was a success. Maybe my great thing was doing my work really really well, or maybe it was having an epic tickle fight with one of my kids. Maybe it was that my clothes matched. Maybe it’s that I put clothes on at all.
My house is not especially clean, but it’s not like one of those houses on “Hoarders.” Not a lot, anyway. I’m not hiding my real life from anyone. People who know me even a little know I’ve had tragedies and heartbreaks and sacrifices and loss in my life, but who hasn’t? I’m not perfect, and I don’t pretend to be. The pretty pastel PTA ladies kicked me out a long time ago, and that’s cool. I don’t hate them for it. I appreciate that by distancing themselves from me, I was able to find my own little tribe of freaks and we’re weird in many of the same ways (and some different ones, but we accept that) and we are there for each other. Sometimes just by saying, “Yes, I’m a freak, too. Let’s go do something.” Either way, we’re doing ok.
We’re all here together. Thanks for giving us a place to do that.
I have a messy house. I have 2 jobs. I have 2 kids & a husband. Our yard is a constant work in progress. If I brush my hair & put makeup on it’s a special occasion. Once I was paralysed by how others might judge me. Now I try really hard every day to not give a fuck. The people closest to me love me & value me. I’m still employed. Our bills mostly get paid. Our kids appear to be in pretty good shape & are loved with whole hearts. I surrendered & lowered my standards, I felt more successful more often & that has helped me be more productive more often… if that makes sense? I try to be nice to myself & forgive myself for being human & screwing shit up sometimes (lots!). You are human, life is messy and shorter than you think. Besides, most of the human population couldn’t give a rats arse if your hair is grotty or your laundry pile is Everest. They are busy worrying that they aren’t as successful as you!
Brene Brown. Watch her TED talks. Read her books. I just read Daring Greatly and it has been a catalyst for personal change for me.
When I start feeling awful about myself (which is like 1 billion times a day), I pause in that thought and ask myself, “why are you feeling this way? did you do something wrong?” if no, just breathe. you’re okay. go forth and continue to be awesome. if you DID do something wrong, can you fix it? if you can fix it, then do it, or take the first step in fixing it. if you CAN’T fix it, can someone else do it? If so, GET THEM INVOLVED and off your plate. if NO ONE can fix it, then FUCK IT, it’s not really your problem, is it? And then you can go forth and continue to be awesome.
(“fixing it” could be an apology, or putting a load of laundry in the washer, or making that phone call, sending that email you’ve been avoiding for weeks…)
Anyway, this is how i get through my days now, and I can feel my thoughts and feelings about myself changing, little by little.
You are not alone.
Most people who know me might toss me in the “pretty put together people” category (which makes me laugh). People who know me well would more likely dub me the “very odd/bizarre but good hearted and get’s sh*t done category”. The ones who know me best know that the latter is mostly true, but there’s plenty of room for the boxes that still need to be unpacked, the surface of the kitchen table that hasn’t seen the light of day in years, and the dust bunnies are getting big enough to scare my dog. When my husband was deployed I got really close to a set of friends and their family. I spent a ridiculous amount of time with them at their house, and they knew the nights that I wasn’t coming over for dinner, its because I just wanted to veg out on the couch alone. When she came over to my house to help me sort through stuff because we knew we’d be moving, she couldn’t believe how much had never been organized, needed to be cleaned or fixed etc. She was thinking that I had it all together and had managed to keep that all on the rails and that’s why I had time to spend hanging out with them or just watching tv etc. Nope, I just wasn’t up to doing a damn thing and housework raises my blood pressure and makes me see red. When my husband is gone for a day, there’s a pretty good chance that I’m still in pjs from the day before and might not have moved from the couch in tv mode. I feel incredibly accomplished if I did a load of laundry. I have at least a handful of days a month where I feel like I’ve totally failed; most of the rest of the time my mind reminded myself something i am good at or did or accomplished before I get too far down that “i fail” slope.
I like this chicks take on it: http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
Those PTA moms don’t have it together everywhere. They just have what you see… and frankly you see what you want to see, not necessarily the fact that they haven’t washed their underwear in 3 weeks, although their outerwear might be pristine (and you and I might have food visible on our shirts). Maybe they only succeed more in hiding their shame whereas I tend to wear mine… with pride? Or at least less shame. Or an overwhelming laziness that doesn’t have the energy to hide the truth. I haven’t washed this jacket in months!
Everyone is struggling. At 36 I still can’t figure out what it means to be a “grown up.” At 40 I’m hoping to have figured out what I want to BE when I grow up. But if I don’t? Fuck it. My good days aren’t about accomplishments. My good days are days spent doing what I love… even if that’s sitting on the couch on knitting a sweater I will hate, or drinking wine with friends and postponing that laundry another day. Laundry day is NOT my accomplishment…
I didn’t read through all the comments, but I am betting there are a lot of people out there like you. I am one of those people. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I feel particularly good and like I have accomplished something probably around 4-5 times a month. I am pretty good at faking it until I am alone and then the thoughts and feelings of worthlessness come on full force.
I am on medication and am not sure what I would be like without them, but I am not anxious to find out.
Hang in there, I love reading your blog and your honestly is so refreshing to me.
I probably feel successful 2-3 days a month. I actually have a good job and a pretty fancy title and people I work with seem to respect my opinion. I have the ability to influence my office and make decisions but most of the time I think “why the fuck would anyone listen to me about this shit?”
I think a couple of the reasons that I feel like a kid playing dress up is that I am almost 35 and have never been married and don’t have any kids. I don’t think those things make you better than single, childless people but I think it is a different perspective to be able to be selfish with all of your time and money. Up until a few years ago I was barely making my rent, had no savings and crappy credit. I’ve made a lot of improvement in my life in two years but I still feel inadequate most of the time.
I only skimmed the responses but I think we all feel like that!
It’s not that I’m heartened that so many people feel this way, but you’re not alone. I don’t know how many days out of the month I feel really good, really successful – kind of too scared to count — but I feel like I’m faking everything I do that’s even mildly successful. I feel like going to the grocery store is an accomplishment, or managing to make small talk with a coworker. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, but I’m pretty sure I have anxiety, and probably some other stuff.
But Jenny? We are so, so proud of you.
SOOOO very much not just you. I think about this all the time… In fact, today I was FAR too proud of myself and had an EXTREMELY over-inflated feeling of accomplishment when I got gas and went to Target on my lunch break… And it makes me a little sad.
Because I CONSTANTLY feel like I’m just playing a game – pretending to be a grown up that knows how to do responsible “grown-up” things. But in reality, I don’t even know how to style my hair (in any way other than down, half up, pony tail, or braid) or cook dinner….
You only need to get out of bed and hug your daughter. That helps me. This human being that you created shows you that you are a magnificent woman. You are giving her an incredible sense of humor and a vital way of looking at the world! You give the gift of laughter to us all.
Somtimes you need to list the things you DON’T do! You don’ t beat animals or kids. You don’t kill
…the list goes on. Even those little don’ts can be counted as blessings of a “good person.”
I think you’re a little too hard on yourself. I too have anxiety, depression and etc. so I totally get the I-want-to-crawl-under-a-rock-and-die thing. I think everyone worries that they aren’t doing enough with their lives. At least this is a constant worry of mine. Most days if my husband is fed and my dishes are washed I’m good with that.
I took a $7 per hour cut in pay so that I could have a less stressful job. Some days I do regret that. Part of me wants to get back out of there but my brain starts it’s screaming panic attacks and I shy away.
One reason I have deleted my Facebook account. People do not post when they look normal, doing normal stuff. They only post that their life is FABULOUS or the world is against me-poor me. I do well to manage me and mine. I don’t need to be exposed to what people want me to think of them. They are just as fucked up as I am, they just think I don’t know it.
Jenny,
Give yourself a big hug and a hearty “YAY ME!” right now for pulling together this amazing, loving, intelligent community of truly wonderful and caring folks. This is one of the few places on the planet where I have seen people bravely share the most vulnerable sides to their personality, and are accepted into the tribe – not because they are perfect, but because they are human. YAY YOU!
As a psychologist, I’ll share a strategy that might work for you. Make an actual list of every single thing you know how to do, every strength you were born with, and every experience that made you “come alive” when you were doing it – I mean every single thing. And not just things that you think you do well. That is a trap. Just make a list and everything goes on it. For example – If you can blow out birthday candles on a cake in one breath – it goes on the list.
Then get your friends to add to the list. Read this list every day. Post it everywhere. Too tired to write the list? Ask a friend to write it down as you talk to them on the phone. What matters is that you make your list and read it over and over. And as you do this, you may notice that perfectionistic angst begin to melt a little around the edges. And you may start to feel better more of the time. This is only one little tip, but I have seen powerful results from it.
We only get unstuck, make real change and move forward – when we remember and celebrate our strengths – never ever by beating ourselves up and comparing ourselves with others.
i just looked up imposter syndrome. i had never heard of it before. to me it sounds like being a woman. no woman attributes her success to herself alone – it was always good timing, luck, the help of others, etc. women are looked down upon for being too confident, or too arrogant in our society. not so for a man, hence them having no trouble taking the credit (even for things they might not have done!).
granted, these are generalizations (so not true for everybody) but i think they are still pretty bang on.
Jenny, I’m an extremely successful person, in many aspects. As a child, I dedicated myself to being a video game programmer, and I worked at it until I reached my dreams. I worked for triple-A game studios, and worked directly under Game Gods. When that didn’t satisfy, I moved to other jobs and used other skillsets. I pull down low six figures, and I’m considered extremely important to my job. I have written and published four sci-fi novels, and I created a YouTube show with a cult following.
And I tell you this now. I am a mess. I am constantly scared of failure, and I go to work every day afraid that they will have found some reason that I’m just not good enough to keep around. I open my banking app every day, afraid that there will be some charge I forgot about that will tip us over to bankruptcy, and my family will be begging on the street.
In answer to your question, I have maybe one good day a week, where I feel like I really accomplished something and earned my keep.
You’re doing fine, Jenny. Depression lies to us all.
So, I used to beat myself up over the fact that I wasn’t “accomplishing” enough every day. I wasn’t doing enough to prove my worth to myself, partially because of depression, partially because of laziness.
Then, very recently, I came to the realization that that’s all bullshit.
There is a very small list of things you need to “accomplish” every day:
1) Exist. I hear that’s a great place to start.
2) Be yourself.
3) (Optional) Be a wife/husband/significant other to whatever extent that means to you.
4) (Optional) Be a mother/father/daughter/son/etc to whatever extent that means to you.
5) (Optional) Be a friend to whatever extent that means to you.
That’s it. Be with the people you love and who love you. Take care of them and let them take care of you. The rest of that stuff is all things we think we should do because society or our own expectations tell us we should, but we don’t have to. The world will not end and the people that matter will not think less of us.
You don’t have to be on the PTA to be a good parent. You don’t have to write 5k a day to be a good author (personally, I’m lucky if I hit 1k). You don’t have to make a five course dinner. You don’t have to clean the house until it’s spotless.
You do have to go to work, if you’re employed, at least if you want that paycheck, but sick days and vacation exist for a reason. Sadly.
I don’t think those shiny happy people (PTA moms, etc) are all that shiny and happy all the time. They have just as much, if not more, baggage/dust under the couch/dishes in the sink/cracks in the ceiling/holes in sweater elbows/unreturned emails/incomplete projects as everyone else. They just happen to not ADMIT that they are not perfect to the world. It must be awfully hard to project to the world that you have it all together when in reality you are just like the rest of us trying to bail all the water out of the bottom of the boat as fast as we can to keep from sinking.
I am not depressed. I don’t have anxiety. I get sad sometimes, like when my niece died at one month old and my nephew died of a fucking asshole brain tumor at 11 years old. I get nervous a lot, like any time my kids aren’t with me and I picture a number of horrible things happening to them.
But over all I think I’m pretty normal and just get sad and nervous sometimes.
I think I am good at my job (as assistant principal at a special ed school) but I could do better. I think I am a good mom, but I think I can do better. I think I am a good wife, but I could….no, I’m actually a pretty awesome wife.
Anyways, after the 1,000+ responses you might never read this. But you are pretty admired and loved by a lot of people and regardless of whether or not you think it is true or that you are deserving of it, you are and you do.
I could write the exact same thing.
And it doesn’t even help when I think about the fact that I *do* have health issues and have to cook all my food from scratch — those pastel people can just pop something in the microwave or whatever. I can’t even eat a stupid sandwich. But I do so much more than even just a few years ago — we usually have multiple bits of clean clothes to *choose* from, instead of just wearing the ONE THING that might be cleanish. That is a big freaking achievement itself for me, but being proud of that just makes me feel like the crappiest person ever.
I feel like this *all* the *TIME*. Moreso, lately. I don’t like getting older. I feel like doors are closing and like maybe I missed what I was supposed to do and now my life is just a big waste because I did it wrong. But if I look back, every choice made sense at the time, even if (looking back) it would have been good to do something else. But I wouldn’t have known that unless I tried!
I’m glad I’m not boring. But people who do typical things can easily be proud of their normal things they’ve done. I have to work really hard to surround myself with a person or two who will understand why I’m happy that I built my own solar-powered theramin. I’m sure it’s not normal for other people to appreciate the time and effort you but into your taxidermied items. 😀 But is it any less a valid and wonderful way to spend your life just because other people don’t appreciate it? No, it isn’t. But it’s hard not to feel it sometimes. A lot.
I saw this today – we all see the good things and accomplishments of others, we don’t see their not-so-shiny parts….hugs
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html?m=1
Nearly every day I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing worthwhile. I might have a couple super highly motivated days a month, but I’m totally scatter-brained and never on top of anything at home. (I do have a part time job where I manage to keep my shit together somehow.) Bills go unpaid and my account is overdrawn at least once a month. Being organized is something that feels like it’s completely out of my grasp 99% of the time. But, I kick my own ass the most about my parenting. Did the kids & I argue all day, or did it just feel that way? Did I spend too much time hiding in my room, trying to get a reprieve from the nonstop little kid drama? Am I doing everything wrong?
And the only thing that ever makes me any feel better is promising myself to keep trying.
I have dealt with the “not good enough” issues for so long, they seem like old friends that you want to just get the fuck out of your house. I feel, every day, that I don’t teach my kids enough, clean enough, cook enough, care enough about my appearance, etc. And every day, hubby tells me that I did enough, even if it was just one load of dishes, and the kids ate food that wasn’t just sandwiches. It’s not just you. We are all out there, dealing with our inner demons every day, and every day we get done what we get done. I know you’re gonna be ok, and we’re all rooting for you!
ok, you probably need all the meds you are taking… just to keep from going out of your head. frankly, the issue of needing them is a thing i long avoided. it was only a crack in my life that allowed a friend’s comment to penetrate my senses and get me a little help. i think if i had a broken arm, i would need a cast, so why wouldn’t i need some meds to help me out with my brain chemicals?
as for the entirety of the PTA. i thought i was going to be able to belong. i have 3 kids. i did it for about 10 yrs with my halley… we got booted from that school after she had gone there for 12 yrs. and after my husband had a heart attack. i have heard from exactly 3 people since that happened. i would say, that it is the clearing house for the cheerleaders and class presidents of high schools to continue on with their crazy need for attention. there is so little value in being a member of such a group. i know, i tried. i am not a failure … i have two non-related bachelors degrees. i can make a good buttercream frosting, bake a kick ass cake, sew a dress, have a baby and build a building. how much shit do i need to take from people? not all that much. and i say this because, i know what you are feeling. but you are unaware of how many people adore you for exactly who and what you are. nothing more, nothing less. you are perfectly fitting into our world … and you will never know if it is the 3-4 days a month that you think it is. it is different for everyone who appreciates your integrity, honesty, humor and countless other attributes.
personally, i would love to see twerk removed from the world. it is just so damn stupid. i want in the space taken by that uselessness, my own word… or at least i think it is. “snarcasm”. well placed biting snarcasm is ideal for everyday living.
my children spend a lot of time daydreaming of the tattoos they want and will be getting. i told them i wanted this: “007”. they did not get that i am ready daily to approach the world, but with my tongue implanted firmly in my cheek… it sure would be nice to have a license to kill.
so you can adjust your meds if you feel that you need to… only you and the health care person writing those scrips can decide, but to me, i feel you are pretty damn good as you are. Pretty Damn Good(great!). thank you for sharing. i appreciate it always.
wendy
1083 comments! Justgetting around to reading these comments it is an accomplishment. When I see other people who seem to have it all together I try and remind myself 2 things. 1, I am comparing the inside (shit) of my life to the outside (shinny) appearance of their life. 2, there is someone out there who is looking at you and thinking “Wow, I wish I had it together half as much as she does!”. What you are doing here is important and somedays just making it through is good enough.
You are enough!
How many days in a month do I actually feel like I kicked ass, or were generally a successful person? 4-5 at least. 7-8 max
What makes you feel the worst? When I think I’m failing my family by not getting normal everyday things done, (things like running the dishwasher, get laundry done and sorted, taking a shower) because my depression monster is whispering that nothing I do really matters.
What do you do to make yourself feel more successful? When I realize I am not the only one and most of the people who look like they have their shit together have issues too. Even if they like to pretend otherwise.
I feel like this too. Some days are harder than others because I feel like I have no one to really talk to about it. I have maybe just a handful of days every month when I feel like I really accomplished something. I wish I had some advice but I don’t.
I seriously could have written this. I haven’t read the bajillion comments above mine, but I know I’m not the only (or even one of the first 100) to say that I feel exactly the same as this. I have depression and anxiety, although I’m (pretty stupidly) unmedicated, and I feel exactly like this.
The thing that helps me sometimes, is focusing hard on something I want to learn. Like the other day I found out my Grandma’s cancer is back and decided to learn to write and read the entire Thai language. To be fair, after my anxiety passed so did the urge to master a language I’ll realistically probably never use. But slamming myself into the task for a couple of days helped. It gave me something to focus on until my brain could realign itself… I guess it probably isn’t a good thing to have a million stress-induced half learned things rolling around in an already hectic brain, but it helps when it counts, and when the stress rears its head again it’s something I can turn back to and pick up again. And I guess I can gauge how bad a year has been by how much useless knowledge I’ve hoarded..
I think that people who post their shiny happy lives on Facebook and Pinterest are even more fucked up than the rest of us who know our failings and can own up to them. I’ve had to readjust my expectations of what i consider “accomplishments” or “productivity.” Today, I feel like I’ve accomplished almost nothing, but then I remembered that I helped someone get Google Analytics set up for his website, so BOOM. I’m not proud or unproud of that accomplishment, but it happened. Ergo, productive. This happens to me maybe once or twice a week, and it can be something as small as “put shoes back in closet instead of leaving them on the stairs.” It still counts.
Bill Murray in “What About Bob?”: Baby steps baby steps baby steps.
I feel like a complete failure more often than not. I look what what I’ve done, compared to what I haven’t (and also to what I want to do), and feel like I should give up and harbor no aspirations because it doesn’t seem possible to actually do anything. One or two days a week I feel extremely accomplished and pleased, and the rest of the time I’m sad.
What helps me is talking to my boyfriend. He’s the most loving, kind, and supportive person I’ve ever met. I am lucky to have someone like him that I can turn to and expel my negative thoughts. Letting go and trusting him with my toxic energy, and just talking or crying until I feel empty of it, generally leaves me feeling at least hopeful that the next day will be better.
Almost every day I learn something that leads me to further believe that no one has anything together or figured out, and everyone is faking. Sometimes this knowledge makes me feel better about being a floundering failure. If I’m feeling truly awful at work or something, I’ll spend longer in the bathroom and read websites that make me happy (such as yours) on the phone. Or if my boss is in a meeting I’ll play a game on my DS and use that time to harvest calm, happy energy to carry me through the rest of the day. It feels irresponsible to play a video game during work hours, but being miserable feels worse.
I feel this way a lot too. The Lexapro helps. Hang in there. You have so much to be proud of. Believe that. You make me laugh and that makes my life better. I try to really hear compliments and then save them in an imaginary jar and then try to think of them when I am feeling really down on myself. doesn’t always work, but I am trying.
Boom! Thank you so much for posting this and sharing with everyone – I haven’t even skimmed the other comments yet, but I’m 100% sure they will be affirming your non-alone status in the universe. In fact, this whole post sounds like a transcript from conversations I have with several of my friends on a regular basis. (It’s sort of eerie, actually, have you tapped my phone?)
And yes, I think some of it is linked to depression and anxiety and etc (the friends of mine who struggle with these issues tend to talk about this imposter issue in much the same way you to) – but my mentally “normal” friends face similar fears, though sometimes they voice them in slightly different ways (or, honestly, not as clearly). So maybe mental illness just gives us a particular lens on a common problem. Gifts in disguise and all that. Or, gifts with surprisingly painful wrapping paper (Hallmark Underground’s “Suffer For Your Presents!” tears-sented variety).
I have a few take aways from the last decade or so of struggling with these thoughts, so I’ll see if I can leave them here. This might be lengthy, so apologies for spamming the comments, but I figured since I’ve been avoiding journaling today, I could take this ripe opportunity to do so in a public forum.
1) Re: “Is it just me?” Emphatically, NO. It’s impressive, to me, actually, how many of my wonderful, astounding friends (and I) have this feeling like we’re failing all the time (and like that’s a bad thing). Like we’re not measuring up. Even (especially?) the seemingly “successful” among us. The way I’ve begun approaching it is less in a, “well, life sucks and then you die” sort of way, but more in a, “hm, that’s interesting, human creatures are very adept at suffering” sort of way. Some days, I can take a very meditative, half-divine smile perspective on it and just breathe in the ephemeral, beautiful, painful LIFE-ness of it. On those days, things seem OK in a very satisfying way. Other days, I prefer to eat too many cookies, stream Alias for hours on end and (if I’m scoring high on outreach) weep at people.
But I think the question you’re asking here is the right one: am I alone? You’re not. You seem to have a wonderful “IRL” team of people pulling for you and a horde of (maybe a little obsessive) fans strewn across the globe cheering you on as well. And while I completely (I man, BIG TIME) hear the “compliments aren’t helpful” issue, the fact that you have such a glorious network is not because of some performative awesomeness on your part (not something that you have to maintain or live up to), but because you’ve managed, in your life, to share a tiny piece of your oh-so-worthy self with the world. Pain and humor and weird stuffed dead animals and all. I think any time we’re able to do that, we find abundant connection that transcends measurable merit and laughs at traditional measures of success.
Which brings me to…
2) Re: what to do to feel more successful. You know? I think, fuck success. I mean, it’s obviously important to us and I’m not recommending we all just shut our doors and windows and “GIVE UP” in a melodramatic way. I just think we’re picked the wrong thing to aim for. Because the idea of “success” implies something finishable, something finite – and life’s just not that way. Or, when it is, you’re no longer around to enjoy it. We’re all moving, all the time – through space, through time, through bags of cookies… and I think that’s OK.
That said…
3) Nuggets of practicality. Watch Brene Brown: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html She studies vulnerability and has changed the way I think about myself in the world. Also, she’s hilarious. My favorite thing is that she focuses on “worthiness” – not what we deserve, or can expect, or “should” have, but what we’re worthy of (love, belonging, hope, joy). There’s such a sense of openness and space in that idea to me. I love it.
Nugget Two: Stress fractures. When I’m not feeling super excited about myself or my life, it’s often because I’m bogged down with too many ideas and issues I can’t stop thinking about. So I invented a different kind of journaling to deal with it all (the standard thought spew wasn’t cutting it). I just wrote up the basic idea for a friend, so let me go hunt that down and employ the awesome copy-paste…
The Stress Fracture:
How I work these is to write out short headings that summarize the various stressors in my life, and strew them about the page in a festive manner. I suppose you could make a list, too, but I like to aim to fill up the page with chunks of text. After I’ve got the headings, or as I’m writing them, I write everything negative I think or feel in association with that issue. Don’t look for silver linings, don’t be polite, just get it all out and down, warts and all. Be dramatic, be whatever you need to to be brutally, angrily, sorrowfully honest.
Then, step back. Stretch. Get a glass of water. Throw a toy for the cat.
Now return with (preferably) another color pen and reread what you wrote. As you read, write new thoughts, aimed at hope and resolution next to what you wrote the first time. Now’s the time for “perspective” and “positivity” and, importantly, action. Seek out the good, the “next steps”. If you can’t find those things, find a friend to talk it over with.
What I like about this is that it allows you space for pain/problems AND relief/solutions, so things feel… fuller. More real, more acceptable, and more productive. It’s important for me to have space for both, since I often feel I’m failing simply because I feel negative about something. Creating a space to just let the awfulness fester for a while really helped.
ANYway, that was a long thought vomit. I hope something in here is useful.
Thanks, again, wonderful woman, for sharing your ups and downs with the world. I’m grateful that you exist and struggle with the rest of us, and wish you much peace and laughter.
Cheers,
Julie
We all feel like this – this is normal. This is the human condition – or more likely, it’s the American social condition. Or even more likely, it’s a condition arising from marketers who make us feel insecure so we’ll buy stuff to fill in the gaping hole in our lives we didn’t know we had. There is no gaping hole – you’re fine, honestly. The stuff you see on the Interwebs is a projection – no one is perfect and shiny, though we all like to present ourselves as being such. Everyone feels like this, even the shiny ones. Seriously, you’re good.
you are not alone jenny-remember that those pastel parents have way deeper issues that they cover up with being perfect. at least you can talk about yours. they cover up and cover up until they forget who they are and what is important. then of course there are the ones that are perfect With no issues and i hate them and hope they have ass pimples. hailey will always remember huddling in blankets and watching the ingalls. it was time with you and that is what matters…not cookies and pta. there is no booze at pta meetings anyhow so why would anyone go really. i think you are kick ass and fabulous
This feeling gets less and less with every passing year. Seriously, now that I’m well into middle age I am over comparing myself either to other people or conforming to other people’s expectations.
How many days a month? Um…I can’t remember the last day I felt successful as a human. This, despite the fact that I am by all appearances successful in my work as a freelance editor. I mean, I’m good at my job. I know that. But being good at it hasn’t done much to make me feel less unhappy, less lonely.
Sometimes I write stories or blog posts in an attempt to become more human. (You know this, Jenny. Thanks again for all your kindness over the years.) And I say to myself it doesn’t matter if anyone reads them. Because they really are mostly for me. But it does sort of matter, doesn’t it. It’s not that I base my self-worth on clicks or comments (I’ve evolved beyond that kind of broken thinking), but I do get tiny reminders that I’m human (and potentially a successful one) from their implicit acknowledgment of my existence.
Ultimately, my struggles are much like yours, though. The closest I come to feeling successful as a human happens when I spend time with my granddaughter or talk with my adult children. But even in the wake of those visits, I feel an untenable ache of loneliness. That’s my version of depression – an empty ache.
You sent some wise words to me not long ago. Can I quote you?
“Ground zero is where the normal people live their lives, but not us. We
live in the negatives so often that we begin to understand that life when
the sun shines should be lived full-throttle, soaring. The invisible
tether that binds the normal people on their steady course doesn’t hold us
in the same way. Sometimes we walk in sunlight with everyone else.
Sometimes we live underwater and fight and grow.”
And then you said… “And sometimes…sometimes we fly.”
I’ve thought about that a lot. And I think I know why it’s both true and maybe a little incomplete. First, it’s that word “sometimes.” We use it for the good and the bad and somehow we think the two ought to balance out. But they don’t. Some of us live underwater for weeks, months, even years – with little sunlight, and no hope of flying.
Others spend most of the time flying and only a day or two underwater and wonder, during the time when breathing is impossible, if and when the other side of “sometimes” will come. (“Will it ever?” we say, whether we’re there for months or moments.)
When I’m in the middle of my dark places, I feel like the light has abandoned me. And while it’s absolutely true that I’m not alone in my depression and that the sun will shine again, an intellectual understanding of that truth doesn’t make the water suddenly breathable. What it does, I think, is tie lines to us. Lines that connect to other people who are drowning. And lines to people who aren’t drowning at the moment, but know exactly what it’s like because they were yesterday. The lines aren’t hope, but they’re truth.
And that brings me to the second thing. You wrote “sometimes we live underwater and fight and grow.” Yes, and those are actually good times. We ought to fight for air and sun whenever we can. Except…sometimes we can’t even do that. Sometimes we’re underwater and we can’t move or think or hope.
When I’m in that place, I want to be the only one who feels it. I want to be the only one who hurts this much – because that would make me unique, right? And isn’t that part of what we ache for? Isn’t the desire to be seen for exactly who we are – one of a kind in brilliance and imperfection – and yet absolutely loved anyway one of the reasons we end up in the deep? It is for me. But here’s some good news. Even when I’m at my lowest, when I want to be the only one who feels this down, I can’t. I keep getting tangled up in those lines. I see the ache in a stranger’s eyes. I hear an unresolved chord. Or I read a friend’s blogpost. Like this one. And the lines tug at me. They all they do is remind me I’m human. Sometimes they pull me out of the water.
And maybe sometimes…sometimes they help me to fly.
That’s all I have at the moment. Sorry for all the words. That’s how I draw my lines.
Long time reading, but first time commenting. This post REALLY spoke to me! I was an overachiever for most of my life. Nine years ago I retired (early) due to job stress. Since then I have struggled to get anything accomplished and have been diagnosed with depression. I feel good about what I accomplished maybe 4 days per month. Most of those days I had a partner working with me on the project. It seems that is my motivation. If I can do something WITH someone, it becomes possible. If left to my own motivation, it rarely happens.
You’re not alone. I do NOT have depression and anxiety, but I feel like that all the time. I am constantly comparing myself to other people. I think it’s part of being human, or maybe part of being female. I always take on more than I can handle and have closets full of unfinished projects. We moved in two years ago and half our house is still in boxes. That totally makes me feel like a failure. And it always feels like the people around me do nothing and get everything while I get shit on. I get sick, my kid gets sick, my pets get sick, we have lousy insurance and too many bills, and all I want is to be able to do something fun for my child every once in a while. And my sense of self-worth is so low that I don’t look for a better job even though I know I deserve one. What helps me is to put it in perspective. It could be a whole lot worse. I don’t have to go to the food bank. I could be living out of my car. We could all have cancer. But I have an amazing child, and an amazing husband and that’s enough. It has to be.
You will probably never get to this 1,700-something-th response but I’m posting it anyway. Just in case.)
Jenny,
What does it matter if you are “good at being a person” if you are constantly comparing yourself to what you see of someone else’s personhood? All those shiny people? You just can’t SEE the cracks. You live your life at top volume, even if it’s just admitting that some days you feel like you suck at existing. I have those days too. They aren’t compounded for me by other things but we ALL have them. Those shiny people are living out their messy lives quietly. And if you don’t occasionally wonder if you’re doing a good job at being a person, then you’re missing out on the opportunity to grow. You are phenomenally self-aware and yet heart-breakingly unaware of just how perfect your flaws are.
You do a horrible job at accepting that those moments of brilliance- your daughter, your book, every time someone finds your posts on the lies that depression tells us and breaks down, reaching out to this community for love and acceptance, and a million others that each one of use could say and still not tell the whole story.
You don’t give yourself the same grace and forgiveness and acceptance that you give every other person who comes, broken and damaged in some way, no matter how insignificant, into this community.
You discount the enormous good you have done, through your mere existence. The laughter that you bring and the sadness that we share changes lives, no matter how insignificant.
If you are bad at something, it is those things.
You are also terrible at being normal. (But that shit is boring so keep on being crazy as hell. Otherwise, we are no longer imaginary bffs.)
These days come, we just have to let them go. Every time I try to good synonyms for bad words- “rage”, “depression”, “loneliness”, I get suggestions like “beautiful”, “amazing”, “good”, “happy” and “excited”. I’ve decided that that’s the Universe telling me to keep going and stop worrying so much. There are better things.
<3
Nothing witty here. Just something that works for me.
Every day I say to myself, “today I accept myself exactly as I am.” It seems corny at first, but it starts to sink in. It takes a lot of pressure off, too.
It is not just you. I feel that way all the time. Everyone feels that way. Pinterest and Facebook is a place to put all the good things; it’s an idealized image we project to others.
Depression lies. Don’t listen to it.
I don’t always think about it, but I’m pretty sure that I feel like this most days. I just do what I gotta do to get through the day.
Maybe on the days where we feel like we are failing at being human we can consider being a fox? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE
Its not just you. I don’t know what its like to feel successful, or good, or happy, or useful.
I feel like I failed at high school, not getting good enough grades to get a scholarship. I failed at university. I picked a degree that was, while entertaining, relatively useless at the undergraduate level. I feel like I failed being able to apply for a masters or PhD program.
I feel like I failed at life. I haven’t traveled as much as I’d like. I can barely afford the life I have now. I haven’t found amazing exciting jobs and the job I do have, I got because of a fluke. It had nothing to do with my abilities. I was only in the right place at the right time.
All my friends are getting married and having children. While I don’t wish those for myself, I feel like a loser for NOT wanting those things. And if I did end up married or having children, I imagine I would fail at those as well.
I have always wanted to write, but I can’t bring myself to do it. With my track record, it would be a massive failure. I can’t finish jobs I begin. I can’t find a single nice thing to say about myself.
And I fail at breaking this cycle.
EVERYONE feels like this. (Sorry to shout) Some more than others. Some much much much more. You have to really know, deep down inside, that making it through the minute, hour, afternoon, day, week…….. IS success. The “others”, people who seem perfect, really aren’t. They end up on the toilet, just like the rest of us. You have a wonderful gift, but other than that, you are just like me, her, the lady on the corner, the PTA president, that girl over there, that guy at the store, and everybody else.
PS Your gift of writing exactly the right words in exactly the right order saved my husband’s life. Thank-you from the bottom of my soul.
I pretty much feel the same every day/night.
Today I cleaned out the van, vacuumed it, and wiped down every surface. The soccer boy stench is gone, and are the trails of sweat. It looks and smells great. But that’s my MAJOR accomplishment for the day. I’m pretending to forget about the two little spots where the dog threw up on the carpet until later. This is as good as I get.
And I haven’t a book. Or even a blog anyone actually reads.
Depression lies.
It’s really hard when we compare our insides to someone else’s outsides. In my case, I always end up on the short end of the stick.
Still…3-4 days a month ain’t bad.
But, really….depression is a lying asshole.
When I started to type my entry, the number was tagged as #1099.
By the time I finished typing, it ended up as #1158.
Got Purpose? I’d say you do!
Hi There! I think these thought are totally normal- for someone with depression and anxiety (I have it too) ,and yes you may need to up your meds just a titch! However, I think you suffer from “I am only successful/loved/good enough/ etc. if I do something awesome” syndrome. I have three kids, three dogs, a job, a husband, and if I do get to the bank I feel TOTALLY accomplished!! I think you need to cut yourself some slack. You are good enough just being you, loving your hubby and daughter, and filling each day with time spent together. Life is short, and we shouldn’t be so concerned with accomplishment. Your daughter needs YOU. Not your awards. You are awesome, and God made you special. Don’t forget that.
you are not alone. a wise woman said to just “show up”. show up to life everyday. and by that, you’ve accomplished a LOT. if going to the bank is your greatest achievement for the day, then you are a success, dammit! keep telling yourself that. i have many days where i feel like a waste of space, that my kids couldn’t have a worse mom, that all my coworkers will find out that i can’t do my job. but i hear that the more you meditate on good thoughts to counteract the bad ones, the more you will start to believe the good. there is a reason you are WHO you are. you are not alive to be like anyone else. i wish i was one of those people that go through life generally happy, content, confident… i don’t think the majority of people are that way. they fake it really well.
i hope you know what an inspiration you are to so many that suffer with anxiety, depression, and to those who do not. they are learning to be more compassionate, caring, and kinder to those around them.
This OMG This!!!!! we moved over a year ago and I still have a huge stack of boxes in the master bedroom. My daughters school is incompatible with my wheelchair so I have NEVER even met her teacher. I could go on but why. I almost never feel successful and I tear myself up over the things I can’t say do or give to/for my daughter. I think that maybe this feeling is just the norm but no one was strong enough to speak up and admit it? I dunno you are definitely not alone as the million (okay over 1000) comments show.
It’s usually about one day a week where I can say I was a successful human being which translates into — 3 or 4 days a month. And I have never been diagnosed with or sought treatment for depression or anxiety.
Although I am 41, I am still a goofy, clumsy 15 year old. I never got the grace or confidence that comes with adulthood. I don’t have kids, which to society means I’m supposed to be filthy rich with a house full of valuables and 10 designer purses and jetting away on trips each month, but there are days where I have no clean underwear because I forget (or was too lazy) to do laundry. Or I’m parking eight blocks away from the train station because I don’t have the money for the meter because I forgot for the 100 consecutive month that both of my credit card payments are due on the same day.
The Internet has made this all worse for us. Why? Because now everything has become a competition. For years I loved making Christmas cookies. I’d make 5 or 6 varieties. Simple cutout cookies. Some drop cookies. And spritz cookies. Everyone loved them. The family told me I was a good baker. And yeah, I was. And then the baking blogs happened. And everyone now uses royal frosting and sanding sugar instead of simple powdered sugar glaze and jimmies (sprinkles). There are cookies designed to hold candy inside of them. There are cookies designed to perch playfully on the edge of your cocoa cup. What, you use regular McCormick’s cinnamon? Psht. You need genuine Vietnamese cinnamon to give your cookies more depth. You put your cookies on the same $9 glass plate every year and wrap them with plastic wrap and curly ribbon? On Pinterest, they put 2 cookies in a cello bag and hand-write a label for it for EACH PERSON. I literally almost stopped baking two years ago because of the 0.0000001% of people out there who wanted to show the world that they WON the Christmas cookie contest. Guess what? The joke’s on them because there is no global Christmas cookie contest! My cookies might not be good enough for Pinterest, but they are more than good enough for my life.
Making my simple Christmas cookies which don’t perch on cups gives me time to (too heavily) flop on my (aging, worn) sofa with my husband and dogs (oh god, when did I give them their heartworm pills last??) and watch Love Actually. Which makes me, my husband, and my (slightly stinky, to be honest) dogs happy. And my carb-loving family would miss the generous saran-wrapped and artless heap of cookies on a plate if I only gave them each 1 cello bag with 2 cookies.
Today I wore two vastly different earrings to work and went through three hours of meetings with a consultant before I noticed. And I’m writing this response in Excel so it looks like I’m working instead of avoiding sending an email to address a problem. Just another day in the life of me.
Have a hug and a virtual Christmas cookie with cheap cinnamon and no folksy presentation.
I feel like a fraud most of the time, for reasons that a good therapist has helped bring to light in the past year. I still have moments of extreme anxiety and “wtf am I doing here”, like I’ve had my whole life, but they are punctuated by moments of something I can’t verbalize. It’s too new. But I can tell you that you have helped me do that. You and Dan Savage. Two truthtellers (truthtelling being something I sorely lacked growing up, having been raised by a sociopath.) It doesn’t ever really need to be truthtelling about anything in particular – any amount of truthtelling in general is really great to be around, even though in the moment it might suck, and I can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me and so many others just by talking about stuff honestly. I hope that isn’t patronizing. I’m just trying to tell you that if it helps in the middle of feeling lost, you are inadvertently helping others in just the telling the story of feeling lost. Anyway, back to you – I know you’re not looking for compliments, and I don’t know that I’m offering one necessarily. Stupid internet, this would be much easier over tea and a scone. I’m just saying yes, I know how you feel.
It’s not you. Even trying to kick ass every day just sounds exhausting to me, and I’m a diehard and successful overachiever with no physical, mental, or emotional fuckery to overcome. And I’m quite certain that those people who are pastel & shiny & oh so put together on the outside are either (a) also feeling like insecure impostors on the inside or (b) pompous blowhards with narcissistic tendencies. I don’t think you need to be more productive, just more okay with being normal. Cause I totally think you are.
What you are saying seems to sound familiar to everyone. I have found something that help me.
1. Make lists of things to do, so you don’t have to carry all the ideas in your head.
2. Keep the tasks small so you get more lines of things to do. Like don’t write “clean the house”, write “clean off the counter to the left of the sink”. This way you can actually finish things.
3. Start with the least horrible on the list.
4. Cross things off as you do them. Make a show of it by gathering your family so they can watch you “finish that task!” I use a thick, bright red sharpie so no one can miss it. (don’t delete!)
Some days you will have more crossed off than others. I sure remember those days when I cross off many. The days when I get many things crossed off in rapid succession, it’s almost thrilling. The days when I don’t cross any things off, well, that’s just normal, so it doesn’t stand out.
Make your successes really loud so their memories shout louder than the “not there” memories.
Oh giiiirrrrrlll… my toilet smelled so bad last week because I hadn’t cleaned it in a month, I could hardly stand to take another crap in it. I did anyway. And then I asked husband to clean it. And he did. So there you have it. People all over the world are just as unaccomplished as you and I. And that’s pretty cool… remember, you usually see other people’s highlight reel, not their behind the scenes. I was never a PTA mom, I never drove the carpool, I certainly never have had my home featured in a magazine. But I have a shitload of fun with my dirty, smelly kids in my filthy house.
I had a job for which I was in no way qualified and I felt like a fraud. (I started as a temp, but for reasons I’ll never understand they just kept promoting me.) I thought if I went to school and earned credentials, I’d feel more secure in my abilities. Last May I finished my masters. Now I have two very nice, expensively framed diplomas and some hefty student loan debt to prove that I’m educated and have skills or whatever, but I still have absolutely no clue what the hell I’m doing. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that I don’t fuck up in some colossal, epic way.
Upside? I made a really delicious green chile the other day. (HEB roasted the chilies so I figured I could manage the rest.) That’s been the highlight of my month. So, I guess for September, I’ve felt like a real, productive adult exactly once.
P.S. Princess Judy, I hear you on the knives. What a pain in the ass.
That’s weird, checked the accuracy of MY LAST POST, and the numbers had changed.
I’M SO CONFUSED.
AGAIN.
You are not alone. And after reading your text, I realized I’m not alone either.
I don’t know if I have anxiety and/or depression, but I feel like shit almost all the time. I also feel like a fraud everytime someone compliments me and I most of the time I just don’t know what to do to be a person that deserves to have a life.
I’d love to believe that these feelings, these horrible feelings that I have about myself might just be part of being alive or being an “adult” but most of the time I just don’t know.
I feel succesful 5-6 days a month.
If you get some hints about what to do to feel like a good, successful person, let me know.
🙂
(English is not my first language so I’m sorry if I said something really wrong or weird)
Nope, you’re not alone. I’m right with you. Thank your for writing all of this. I hadn’t even heard of imposter syndrome, but can identify with that and most else of what you’ve said. I’ve heard more and more recently, from complete strangers on this topic (via radio, tv, articles…) that everyone is “faking it.” Not in a bad way, just that we’re all in the same boat ( with whatever differences thrown in), trying to look like we know what we’re doing, that we have our shit together, that we’re so good, or maybe just decent, at whatever thing it is. I love to read your words, and have felt before, that YOU’VE got it all together compared to me. Then I realize that comparing makes no sense whatsoever. So, hearing you say all of this gives me great comfort. It’s the closest to a “real life” friend confirming all the things I wonder about so often and have to make myself stop thinking about them. Thank you, Jenny.
I feel like I have it together about one day a week. Some weeks, none days. Some weeks I’m lucky and it’s two. So lets say I feel like someone shouldn’t yank my adult card away about 4-5 days a month. I am a divorced mom with two kids I share custody of and one I have full time. (same dad, just he has issues with one of our kids.) I have a full time job and a house. Yet I feel like I’m playing adult badly all of the time. I watch the together people whose kids have playdates and do sports and you know feed their kids more than one real cooked meal once a week. I am not that mom. I’m the one whose kids are clean, loved and fed. Sigh. But the rest is a toss up most days. My kids believe French toast is a home cooked meal. I’m lucky if I make it to one school thing a year each. I have yet to schedule my daughters well kid check and her birthday was two months ago. I’m lazier than I wish I was but won’t do shit about it. I suck at budgeting….although since I manage to make it each month I don’t change things. I’m on meds for depression, I can’t seem to have another baby to save my life which is one of the two things I want most in this world, I don’t sleep worth shit. From the outside it may seem that I have it more together that I say, yet I don’t even fake it very well.
Jenny, I think some people have it together, but most don’t. Others lie through their teeth. The online world allows people to only show what they want others to see. They take photos of their kids only when they’re clean and smiling. They show you their clean bathroom…but neglect to show you the rest of the disaster of a house. Its an image. Not reality for most people. Yes their are exceptions. But most people fake it better maybe?
There is this thing in our society where women are supposed to do it all. The career, the kids, the house, the spouse. We’re suppose to have it all and do it all. It’s not fucking possible. Or if we can do it, we’re constantly dropping balls (or anvils) and really nothing is ever done well. I have no answers, but I think we need to go back to living surrounded by family, just so everyone gets their basic needs met.
Basically honey, you aren’t alone.
Geez, I go through this kind of feeling at least every other day. I drive my husband crazy with it. I have stacks and stacks of projects that I’ve started that I don’t finish, things that I want to do, too many irons in the fire, and yet, I still manage to spend whole evenings and weekends doing NOTHING. I think it’s actually normal. It’s the perfect people who aren’t normal or who are major overachievers, and they’re probably stressed out and wired and will die young. So don’t sweat it so much. When you die, nobody will care that your house wasn’t clean and that you didn’t do enough stuff. You wrote a book for heck’s sake. You have tons of people that love to read your posts. Have fun, enjoy life, and don’t let “you” get “you” down.
I have felt like I had my shit together approximately 11.2 days in my entire LIFE. I am 32 years old. Mostly I just try not to think about it. And I definitely do NOT compare myself to the shiny people. Because I’ve gotten to know some of those shiny people, and I’ve learned that really, they’re not as shiny as they pretend to be. And that makes me feel better. I may not have my shit together, but neither does anybody else.
this post caught me off guard and had me in tears at the first paragraph. It feels like I will never get it right, and I am screwing up my own kids and if you mess that up, whatever else you do right in the whole wide world does not really matter, right? I cant finish projects, and sometimes my head is so full of all the things I want to do and the life I want to live that I cant even get started. Facebook and pintrest can make me so unhappy seeing all the cool Shit my loved ones are up to, me sitting there watching all the posts, trying to figure out how to emulate them so maybe I can feel normal and successful and happy. Like they have found the key to it all.
I apologize for I do not have the energy/time to read the 765+ comments before mine. So if this is already said, consider it simply an echo.
I’m a fairly healthy individual, and I think that I feel that I have had successful days perhaps two or three times a week. But the measure of a successful day changes all the time. The day before yesterday it was to unpack the kitchen (accomplished, woo!), yesterday it was to stop blaming myself for that stupid fender bender (failed.) Today, it will be to get a healthy dinner cooked and on the table tonight, because that’s kind of how my week is going. If I don’t manage anything else today besides that, then I will feel fine.
Unsuccessful days are sometimes just blah days, where I don’t necessarily feel like a complete failure, but I don’t think I accomplished anything. Complete failure days happen though and on those days I sometimes lay on the couch and watch NCIS reruns while my son plays with legos and cajoles me to go outside with him. I find that even telling myself that the day is not done and thus not a complete failure yet, won’t always work. Sometimes I just cannot pull it together.
I think the way I try to manage to feel like I have succeeded is making sure I set different little goals. If I am having a terrible, horrible day, maybe my goal will be to remember to feed both my son *and* myself lunch. Or maybe I’ll have a list in my head and if I manage to cross off any of it, then I can say the day wasn’t a complete waste. For example, “Shower, Breakfast, Groceries, Lunch, Play outside, Dinner, Call insurance” and if I manage a few of those things then I can tell myself as I lie in bed going back over the day that I got SOMETHING done. And maybe it doesn’t make me feel like I was really accomplished, but it usually helps remind me that I wasn’t a complete waste that day.
Just my thoughts.
Also, I love your work. I have not read your blog too long (maybe a year?) and I haven’t worked through the backlog yet, but you’re one of the few bloggers I have a system set to send me your posts so I won’t miss them. I know you said you didn’t need people to tell you such things, but this is my first post and I wanted to let you know in case I never post again. 🙂
Have you seen this TedTalk? http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html
Basically, fake it until you become it. Sometimes, it’s not just mental, but other physical cues as well. I show this to the women in an all-women’s leadership class, and they often point to it as one of the most practical things they’ve ever been able to implement. Two minutes in a bathroom WonderWomaning will do wonders to that whole imposter syndrome thing.
Why are we all so sad, and why are we all not talking about it, except for on this blog?
Why do so many of us feel this way?
Speaking as someone who is (almost) never depressed, and a pessimistic optimist (I expect things to go well.. just not that well), you’re not alone. I rarely think I’m managing to do amazing work or being really successful, even as my career continues to climb and climb.
It’s not you, it’s just bizarre humanity! If you want additional proof to how screwed up we are, there is the Dunning-Kruger effect (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect) whereby we tend to think we’re better at things than we are if we’re actually relatively unskilled in the area. That + Imposter Syndrome is a really strange combination.
Imposter Syndrome really is common, but especially amongst writing and similar roles where the product is out in the open. For example there is hardly anyone in my field that I’ve come across who doesn’t find it to be a problem. http://adainitiative.org/2013/08/is-impostor-syndrome-keeping-women-out-of-open-technology-and-culture/
I feel exactly like this all the time and wonder why I dont’ get the same things done as other moms/people/wives/humans and if I am a complete failure. I probably am, but my kid seems happy and myhusband comes home each night and my dogs are pampered, so… meh.
You are not alone. Those greeting card people don’t exist, and if they do they are delusional. Real people have a couch full of clean clothes because folding is too much work for something that’s just gonna be thrown on the floor again soon.
I don’t know what to tell you except you are not alone. Anyone who has over a 1000 comments is not alone. I greatly appreciate your sharing – I read you every day and find you (and your book) extremely entertaining. I have come to the realization that we never know what really goes on in other people’s lives or psyches. Those smiling facings at the PTA meetings may be just as messed up, sad, down on themselves as we are sometimes. No easy fix-one day at a time.
Popping my commenting cherry because ohmydog it’s like you’re reading my mind. I read you religiously (oooh, can I be a high priestess in the Church of the Bloggess?!) because you’re not one of those perfect super moms that does every. freakin. thing. right.
3-4 good days a month? Sounds about right, in a good month. I have bipolar disorder, so my definition of “good” is probably a low bar. Didn’t burn your world to the ground today? GOOD DAY!!!
Also, those perfect, pinteresting moms? I suspect they’re the real frauds.
I will on the majority of days I feel like I accomplished a lot because I’m always on the go, never turn on the TV except to watch football and feel exhausted daily. However, I dont feel like I’m doing super productive things for the worlds good and that gets to me. Like when I see people saving baby animals or adopting 15 kids, I’m not changing the world, just getting by with a clean house, healthy dinner and good career. That being said, I secretly think CONSTANTLY “one day, they are going to find out…” that I’m not smart enough, funny enough, good enough or even worth it. who “they are” I dont know – my boss, my boyfriend, my friends, stalkers on pinterest – no idea, but it’s a constant thought. And it’s terrible. But I dont think I’m alone or you are alone. Everyone has doubts and that is OK. Plus counselors are awesome. And my dogs think I’m pretty badass.
I feel like this all the time and it sucks. I know exactly what you mean about the less you accomplish the more you want to curl up in bed and do nothing. What works for me is company coming to the house. I just need to have someone coming in order to make progress on my crap. Since I don’t have a job right now, so the house and kids are my work.
Totally normal to feel intimidated by what appears to be everyone else’s more put together life.
On a separate note, you need to see this website. Taxidermied jewelry. http://diamondtoothtaxidermy.com You’re welcome.
“Long time listener, first time caller” (because I don’t feel entirely comfortable about sharing my life and opinions online in front of strangers. I’m not quite as brave as you.)
That all seems completely normal to me, and I feel like an almost normal huma… forget that. Normal is what you think it is. Normal is something no-one can ever be in their own heads because their ideal of ‘normal’ is someone else’s idea of everyday life. In turn, the person who wants to have a ‘normal’ life is living someone else’s ideal of a normal life (it makes sense in my head at least). I’m a fuck-up and wish my life was a little different in some ways, but I’m also living a life someone else’s ideal ‘normal’ life. The grass is always greener, as they say.
I live an existence. I work a 9-5, I visit the pub after work most days, and I spend my evenings infront of a computer. Is that normal? It’s not to the people I work with, but I bet it is to millions of others around the world. The fact that it’s not normal to the people I interact with in the real world makes it feel a little less of what I perceive to be normal. But who is right and who is wrong? I like to think that, because I feel happier than I see most people living their ‘normal’ lives are, I’m doing something right.
Some things about me…. I achieve very little. I procrastinate more than anyone I know. I have no real goals. I am single, and have been for a long time. I don’t have a lot of friends. I don’t have much money. I am not likely to amount to anything. Eventually I will die and the world will not have noticed. None of that matters. Not one little bit.
I exist, and I am happy. Above all else, that is what makes my life worthwhile and well lived.
I feel like a successful human most days– but then, my standards of “successful human” are pretty low:
1. survive the day (LIKE A CHAMP)
2. Not maim or kill anyone (mostly easy, but some days, man…)
3. Ideally, cause no emotional damage to self or others.
4. Not fuck up at work too bad. I work at a newspaper, so when I fuck up, I have to admit it publicly in a correction. Big motivator to not do it, let me tell you.
5. Not give a SINGLE FUCK about Pastel People. They tend to be the most boring, uninteresting sort of folk, and they get judgey. I’m not into any of that. (gets easier with practice. After about a decade, I think I finally got the hang of it)
6. Make my Husbeast smile/laugh. Mostly easy, except when it’s not. I try anyway.
7. Bathe often enough that I don’t smell (definitely not daily)
Everything else? BONUS.
For comparison:
We’ve managed to never have our electricity turned off, but we run out of toilet paper at least once a quarter. I’m dependent on the fact my local pet shop sells single-serving dog and cat food, ’cause we run out of the big bags of that ON THE REGULAR.
If husbeast didn’t do a stellar job of housekeeping, I’d have to hire someone or just accept living in my own filth, ’cause I am not about that, at all. The dust bunnies would’ve taken over years ago– I’m pretty good about flea meds & nail clipping, but brushing a medium dog and two unimpressed cats is so low on my priority list it barely registers. Ditto dusting. Ditto sweeping/moping. I’d probably manage laundry, but at the cost of showering.
And bills? I legit had to set a monthly schedule for myself to make sure everything gets paid on time. We’re too broke to be paying late fees. I still miss due dates once or twice a quarter, though, but I make sure it’s on bills that don’t have late fees.
You are sooooo not alone. Most of the time I’m just grateful I remembered to feed my cats. The house is always a mess no matter how much I try to straighten it. I never am able to actually get home and cook a real dinner. We subsist on take out and smoothies. 3-4 days per month of feeling like you’re totally kicking ass sounds just about right to me. Also? Thank you for posting this because I thought I might be alone in this shitshow that is life. Cheers!
It sounds like you are worse than average and that this is probably related to your mental illnesses. I would say that in an average month I feel how you described probably 5-9 days. The rest of the time I feel pretty okay about myself.
Also, just for comparison, I measure how often I wash my hair in WEEKS, not days. I am probably the world’s worst housekeeper. There has been a half empty bottle of ginger ale in my car for months. I regularly get annoyed notes sent home from day care because I haven’t brought in whatever stupid thing they want for that week. And I didn’t call my doctor’s office to ask about an epically large bill I got for no reason for over a month because I hate making phone calls. So no, none of us have it together.
I probably feel tops about 20% of the time though I haven’t actually kept track of that..it is a guess. 20% I feel moderately insecure and have worries that every one around me despises me. That leaves about 60% of the time spent in the middle some where. I do feel better now than when I was younger. I am 51 and feel better emotionally than ever in my life. I am hoping the trend continues. I haven’t totally figured out what makes things worse but there is a connection to the kind of company I keep so I have reduced the time I spend with some folks who are negative.I always feel awesome after riding my horse. For me there is nothing more fun and freeing..its like having an extra 900 lbs of muscle and 4 more legs to fly me along. I also feel good when I have built or improved something..working with my hands. Oh yeah…and I love to be home alone. Doesn’t happen too often since my husband has a home office but that really seems to recharge me. Thanks for asking.
I feel the same, too. I am SO introspective and always questioning my motives. I often think “What am I supposed to be doing?” You seem to accomplish quite a bit. You’re a MOM!!! I couldn’ t even do that!
Jenny – just think of all the people who arrive at your blog, read a couple of posts, and then think “This is wonderful – there really *are* others like me out there!” I think, when it comes right down to it, that we are all a little bit more f**ked up than we would like to be.
Years ago, I learned two things: #1, kids don’t come with a parents’ manual (set of instruction on how to raise a kid), and #2, they don’t come with a user guide (set of instructions telling them how to do things themselves) either! I figure pretty much that we have to write our own instruction manual as we go along.
Which for me means that pretty much any day I manage to get up, and go back to sleep, I put in the “successful” column. Yeah, maybe some days I get more stuff done than others, but really, if I don’t get something done today, it will still be there tomorrow. Or the next day. Or whenever I finally get a round tuit. So long as we still have a roof over our heads, and the family has food to eat, and the lights haven’t been cut off, and the other really important things have been taken care of, I just try not to stress about things too much.
(It varies by month: some months I have a week or two in the “I really got a lot of shit done” column, others I am lucky to eke out a day or two at most. It’s the nature of the beast. At least the family can stand to be around me now.)
Cheers!
~EdT.
What gets me through? Trying to convince myself that I have different priorities, not deficiencies.
All that stuff you list as making you a successful person? Not really my cup of tea, either. I try not to judge those folks for their focus being different from mine, and I’m working on not judging myself unfairly for not being THEM. I am ME, trying to be the best ME I can and as long as I don’t goof up so badly I hurt those I love I feel that’s enough. Most days….
I’m generally rather happy and outgoing, and you probably would think I’m a pastel person – but even those people you think are that way feel like failures a lot of the time. I feel like I don’t clean my house nearly well enough, that I’m a horrible mother since I don’t read my kids books before bedtime most nights, and we probably holler too much, and I probably give my cat more attention than my husband. Wife fail. I also probably need a flame thrower to clean the monsters growing out of the toilet I refuse to clean.
But I know I’m not a failure, really, because I’m a lawyer (that’s not why, TRUST ME, that’s just school loans) and I see kids whose parents are really horrific and they make me want to go home and hug my children to pieces. I know that even though I’m kind of a crappy wife and housekeeper and not the most outstanding of mothers, we have a whole lot of love in our house and that’s just about all our kids care about. I have to remind myself that constantly, when the failure and shame set in. Believe me, though, it’s enough.
You’re definitely not alone, and as others above have said, one of the problems is that ALL of us look shiny and happy in pictures or on Facebook or on Pinterest. Or even if you have us over for dinner. Know why? Because, unless we really don’t give a fuck, most of us spend at least PART of every day pretending. Pretending to be happier, pretending to be prettier, pretending to be thinner, pretending to be a better cook, pretending to be funnier, pretending to be a better writer, pretending to have it all figured out, pretending that we’re totally not narcissistic enough to think that we have it all figured out, pretending, pretending, pretending.
That’s not to say, though, that there aren’t people who are a better writer than me. That doesn’t meant that there aren’t people who are prettier than me. That doesn’t meant that there aren’t people who are better at math than me. But it means that they suck at a lot of things, too, and I just don’t see it. Or I’m choosing not to see it because I’m looking at them through the lens of me, what’s important to me, and focusing on my own flaws by not seeing them in others.
There has yet to be someone I’ve met in this world who – once the guard is dropped a bit and the first dinner party has been thrown and they’re tired and/or it’s Sunday and their sweatpants are on and the cameras are off – isn’t just like the rest of us. In some way, shape, or form.
Some of us are sadder by nature, and some of us are happier. But in the end, I think the average adult being honest with themselves feels – 80? 90% of the time? – like a fraud. Like “um, is everyone else just faking this adulthood thing, because I sure am?” I’m sure part of this that you’re feeling is the mental illness fucking with you, and part of it is just being a human. I swear. I promise.
And my only advice would be to give yourself a little break. Like, just let yourself off the hook.
Honestly, I almost never feel like you do. And not because I am that perfect, pinterest happy PTA mom in her lululemons. It’s mostly because I don’t give a shit. I do what I do, when I can, and that’s that. Maybe the people around me aren’t as put together as those around you? I just don’t find that everyone around me is on the ball 100% of the time. But, I don’t suffer from depression and it’s clear that can affect your outlook greatly. I am a total slacker-not gonna lie. I am super lazy and would rather put my kids in front of the TV than play/read to them any day (now, now, I DO both of those things, I am just saying I would RATHER not do those things). I hate working, and my idea of awesome is watching bad TV with a huge glass of Pinot and some pretzels while thinking about exercise and definitely NOT actually exercising. By comparison, you ARE way more together, although I know that means nothing to you. What it does mean is that society has programmed us to devise our own value in relation to others, not in relation to ourselves. This is a true phenomenon, and one that is very hard to break. There will always be people who do it better than you. Always. The question is……so what? Did anyone die because you skipped the PTA meeting? If, say, you never write that second book, what will the fallout be? Maybe some dissatisfaction in yourself, but anything MAJOR? That’t the trick-learning to accept that you will never be as good as those pinterest loving, homemade baby food making, super fit yoga mommies. And then, not giving one single shit about it 🙂
Sometimes I feel accomplished for a week.
Sometimes a day.
Sometimes not at all.
Then I paint a little. Dance a little.
And even if I’m angry that I’m not better or best already,
it’s still a couple of vampires smashed.
Go get yer stake on, lady.
You are worth fighting for.
For what it’s worth, I’ve been meaning to write you an email for about a fortnight – along the lines of “Not seen any posts to gauge if you’re on an upswing or a downswing of life at the moment, but remember when hit those downswing days that a lot of people out there look up to you and admire what you do, and dammit you’re good at writing, no matter how your depression makes you think about that. And frankly, the rest of us suck at life too and just continue to show a face to the outside world as if we’re all coping really well *because that’s what you do*. You’re not alone.”
And now, now I know you’re on a downswing, and you’ve posted this article, and you’re no doubt being deluged by similar messages, and I’ve thrown away my chance to help you take the edge off that private downswing you weren’t telling anyone about and frankly… I suck at life too.
So. Err. Yeah. Façade’s are pretty. They cover up the ugly thing underneath that you’d prefer people didn’t look at or see. We all have public ones. Don’t believe the hype.
In my very empathetic opinion, what you are struggling from, in large part, is what most human beings struggle from: believing your thoughts. Just because a thought drops into your mind – even repeatedly – doesn’t actually make it true. Even when it totally seems true. Even if everyone agrees with you; even if you think you have all of the proof in the world. The absolute BEST relief I’ve found from this affliction is to learn to effectively question my thoughts through a very simple set of questions and turnarounds called “The Work of Byron Katie.” It’s been indescribably life changing for me – and everything you need to learn to do it is available for free on her website (thework.com). Watch her doing it with people on YouTube. There is so much freedom available here; it is entirely possible to get out from under the tyranny of your painful, brutal, stressful, and punishing thoughts. Best of luck to you.
Jenny, I am a PTA mom and head of all the commitees and a whole load of horseshit that mostly just makes people go “oh you do so much” blah blah blah. The truth is I have crippling anxiety and feel a manic need to “be better” “do better” “look better” “be the thinnest” “be the best dressed” “do the most” because otherwise everyone would see me barely treading water. I have the Pinterest approved car office, the color coded spreadsheets, but I also have days where it is only my obligations that get me into a shower. And somedays, like today, I just put on another layer of makeup and wing it. There are days I don’t eat because my anxiety will not let me stop doing and just be. Successful days? Few and fleeting here. Just wanted to let you see inside the pastel colored glass house. We have anxiety here too. And we run out of toilet paper in my house all the time.
I know I’m probably so late on commenting that you’ve stopped reading them by now, but I really hope that you can manage to read down this far. I honestly and truly believe that what you’re missing is grace. Grace that you give yourself.
I know you live in Texas and probably grew up around the same bat-shit crazy Christians that I did, but I have to admit that when I decided to finally acknowledge that there’s someone out there that’s bigger than all my mistakes, someone who loves me even if all I could manage was to breathe that day, someone who’s accomplished so much more that I can and ever will—and that all that is ok with them and that they still think I’m awesome anyway…. well. It helps. A lot. I love the concept of grace and it’s completely changed my outlook on life. Hopefully it can help you too.
I am convinced that impostor syndrome is a thing. My husband and I both struggle with it and we are both fairly “successful”. At least from the outside looking in. Much of the time I’m not even good at being a person. It takes every ounce of energy and personality I have to go to work everyday, leaving nothing for the rest of my life. I couldn’t imagine having a child on top of this. I feel like I have more good days than I used to, now that I’m on anxiety meds, I actually sleep some times, and that is a huge accomplishment.
For me, I focus on just one thing at a time. I know that I will never feel like, or be like “those people” who seem so perfect. Instead, I pick something and work on that. First, it was getting my medication dosage right. I essentially went on cruise control until that was taken care of. That meant not making myself cook, or diet or even do my hair for work. Once that was figured out, I focused on washing my hair regularly, then on styling it. I’ve slowly built up certain patterns and habits. and when I fail (like today, my hair totally needs to be washed) I have to forgive myself and realize that I’m at work, my husband is happy and I had a delicious bowl of vegetable chili for lunch. For today, that might be enough.
I may never build up to exercising, or dieting or having a clean apartment. And some days, that realization crushes me. I feel like being an adult shouldn’t be so hard. But I can see that I’ve accomplished a lot despite my debilitating anxiety and depression and self-doubt. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.
I don’t know. I hope that helped! I am thinking about adjusting my meds a little bit too, because the good days are really good, and I would like a few more of those a month.
Soooo many people already responding. I feel like my two cents may not really matter but here goes anyway.
I do not suffer from depression or anxiety. I lead a fairly normal predictable life. I do have a daughter and a few relatives that suffer with anxiety and depression so I kind of understand but I don’t fully because I haven’t had to live it. That being said, I struggle accepting a compliment because I never feel like I deserve it. I always feel I could have been better. I push it to the back of my mind and try to not focus on it because honestly it is too painful and I don’t want to feel that way. I move forward and try to pick one thing I want to accomplish. Sometimes it happens that day and sometimes it doesn’t.
I do not lie in bed at night and focus on what I am not or what I think I should be. Maybe I am not a deep thinker and I am not reaching my full potential because I don’t focus on what I could accomplish. I have a great husband and three awesome kids. Whenever I think life is getting stale something happens to make me realize there will always be fun and difficulties. Like being told I’m going to be a grandma. That was a surprise and keeps things exciting.
So while I don’t have deep thoughts, don’t ponder my inability to accomplish what I want, and don’t strive for success, I am boring. I am happy and boring. You are my hero because despite all of your anxiety and everything else you have dealt with you have stepped out of your comfort zone and accomplished so much. It may not feel like much to you, but it’s way more than I have. I know there is great things inside of me but instead of trying I keep it locked away. Maybe I’m lazy. Maybe I’m scared. Maybe I’m just not talented and I want to tell myself I am so I don’t feel like just another person in the world.
I live in this world that goes from day to day and sometimes doesn’t really change. I have many things that make me happy. I enjoy my day to day that doesn’t change and I feel a little wrong for that. I like the every day stays the same. I like being boring. But I admire those who aren’t.
Another lurker here. Just wanted to say that I don’t have a mental illness and I still only feel like i have it 100% together maybe 5 days a month. For me I tend to rock it in only one aspect of my life at a time, but that makes me feel like a complete failure because I can’t keep up with exercise, phone calls home (which is across the country), my full time job, my part time job (well I volunteer at a yoga center in exchange for free yoga), my blog and time with my husband. We have been also trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully for over a year as well so add that to the failure list. I don’t know how to prioritize between work, my hobbies, friends and family, and myself. It’s impossible. I’m probably setting myself up for failure by trying to be superwoman. It’s not possible.
I also compare myself to others and it’s hard not to. I think you have gotten a lot of advice to not compare yourself with others and you know what? I think that’s bullshit and doesn’t really help. It’s incredibly hard not to compare. You know what makes me feel better about it all? Comparing myself to people who are in my boat. *sigh*
In the end, I’m not sure what the solution. I think it is a huge part of human nature. There will always be a heck of a lot of self doubt. I think we can look to Dr. Suess for advice and remember that “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”. Just be yourself, and rock it and know that you are doing your best no matter what it is!
I was gifted with the great advice of “fake it until you feel it” a while ago and that has been a big help to me.
I have always struggled with the “good enough” game for my entire life. Growing up with a mother who constantly derided herself for all sorts of imagined failures set me up for the same bad habit. I was always too big/too loud/too much and instead of people celebrating who I was, I was always told to tone it down. I was well into my adulthood before I realized that those people could fuck themselves raw for all I care. I found my tribe of people who loved me for who I was, warts and all, and they gave me the gift of myself. You accumulated a wonderful tribe here who care about you, warts and all, and if that’s all it takes for you to believe that you’ve accomplished something, then huzzah! You did it!
Hi. I’m Missy. Up until about 6 months ago, I would have about 3 of 4 weeks of depression, barring spring time when that number would go down. I moved out of my parents’ house at 18, and proceeded to make my way. Before I was 20, I got hit by a semi and my boyfriend of a year and a half died in a war that neither of us believed in. For a long time, I mostly wallowed through life, just trying to make it to the end game. I didn’t commit suicide because I believed that if I committed suicide, I could never see him again. I worked at various stupid jobs, like restaurants and stores for pitifully part time hours. (One place only gave me 5 hours a week.) Over the past year, I now have a new and wonderful boyfriend, a greatly fulfilling job taking care of people with developmental disabilities, wonderful friends, and a great prescription to Paxil. I still feel that way sometimes… that I have not accomplished anything, that I will die horribly alone and unloved, that my boyfriend doesn’t love me and that I am just a drain to everyone. It doesn’t help that I don’t have kids, my own home (I live with 5 other adults and one infant), and a car that barely works, but I am now starting to see the joy in my life. Instead of worrying about what’s coming, I am learning to enjoy what I am doing NOW, while I am doing it. The future will happen or it won’t, but the only thing my worry is doing is driving me to further my own destruction. Oh, and this is what’s important… I CAN NOW ACT ON MY KNOWLEDGE and not just obsess and wallow. For me, it was the job and the Paxil. For others, I don’t know. But Hell, no, you are not alone. And you sure as Hell make my life more enjoyable. Thank you!
The idea of someone giving me a compliment or saying that “you’re doing great, really” and feeling like a fraud, or like they just don’t know what I’m really like, and I wish they did but I know that if they did they wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me really, really, really resonated with me. Most days I feel like I wouldn’t get through life if I wasn’t depending completely on other people. My best days I know I’ve done well if I managed to do one responsible thing, like go to the bank or the grocery store, or call the cable company finally like my husband’s been asking me to for a week. I do write a lot, and writer’s block is less a problem for me than the fact that I don’t like what I’ve written, or I feel like I’m writing when I should be doing “more important” things. I feel the worst when I yell at my kids to leave me alone when all they want is a bit of my attention. What I do to feel more successful is clean or declutter something. It doesn’t require much thought or creativity, and it benefits everyone.
Definitely not just you. I’m not sure I ever really have a day where I feel awesome for an entire day. Maybe a few minutes or hours here or there, but definitely not days.
I know that part of my problem is my job. Some days are so busy that you can’t accomplish anything, and other days are so boring that you have nothing to even work on. I do feel good if I have a project and finish it, but that is rare. And If I start thinking about the house, pets, gardens etc that have stuff needing to be done, I always end up feeling like a failure. I really have to focus on small successes. Did my houseplant survive another day? Win. Did I remember to water the tomatoes? Win. Did I feed the dogs before they had to remind me? Win. It’s the little things (and the love of my animals) that keep me going.
I am on new meds for anxiety and depression, which help with some of that, but what has really helped has just been working on recognizing the small things that do go right. Another is talking to my friends. They have the same feelings as I do. They may look polished on the outside, but on the inside they feel like failures and such as well. I’m coming to the conclusion that everybody feels that way. Not sure if that realization is actually helpful or not, but at least it’s a start.
And your reminders that depression lies is the thing that keeps me going on many days.
Wow, 1200+ comments saying you’re not alone. And I agree. While I don’t personally get exactly how you’re feeling, I think you just described my husband to a tee. He is incredibly overwhelmed by anxiety and depression on a daily basis, turns to alcohol to self-medicate, and is only just now making steps to resolve that and see a doctor/psychiatrist instead. It’s been rough; it’s so hard to see a 27 year old hate their life and feel like an unloved, useless failure when in fact they are the very opposite. He feels alone in this, too, but clearly, very clearly, he is not, and neither are you.
Maybe someone already said this (or something similar)… but I am too lazy to read all of the previous comments.
Life is fucking hard. I have realized you cannot compare yourself to everyone else. Other people are going through shit too, like all the time. But some people are really good at pretending that their lives are together. And some people aren’t. But just because someone appears to be ok does not mean they are… and you comparing yourself to them isn’t doing anyone any favors. You are human, and cannot be “on-point’ all the time. If you feel like you’ve not acomplished all you wanted to in a day… tell yourself, “self, things will be better tomorrow and I will try harder” it’s all about YOU and how you feel, not what your friends or family or fans think. If you feel like you aren’t acomplishing things… change that. I know depression is hard (I’ve been through it myself) it fucking sucks, and things are definitely easier said than done… but if you WANT to get better you have to get over those mental hurdles by telling yourself everyday that you are enough, and that you did enough. You have to be satisfied with you, however that may be today or tomorrow or the next day. I am sure you hear all the time from other people how fantastic you are, and yada, yada, yada… and you don’t want to hear that… because you yourself do not feel fantastic. I totally get that. It is ok to not feel acomplished or great about yourself, and I get that it can sometimes come across fake when people are telling you how awesome you are to your face all the time. Sorry, this is seriously going to sound cheesy or whatever but you really have to look inside yourself and figure out how you feel. If you feel shitty today, that’s fine. Accept it, BUT also tell yourself that you WANT to and WILL feel better tomorrow, and you’ll do tomorrow what you didn’t do today. And if you have an awesome day… accept that too! Tell yourself how awesome today was and that you want to feel like that all the time. And you will have more better days.
And seriously some days are just going to be way better than others… and that’s ok. That, my friend, is called life. And sometimes you have several bad days in a row… also ok. If you only watch little house on the prarie with your daughter today, that’s ok. You spent time with her, these are things she will remember and at least you were present. You can’t be fucking amazing every single day. It’s impossible. Try to be proud of those moments you spend with your daughter and your husband, even if they seem small to you. There are people out there who have kids and leave them on the streets, or do drugs in front of them, or beat the shit out of them. Serioulsy things can be much worse, you have depression, at least your not a drug addict child abuser. Plus you wrote a fucking hilarious book! That is enough acomplishment for one lifetime in my opinion. (I’m certainly not saying stop now though of course) : )
There is this musician that I really love who has also battled depression, Laura Marling, she has this line in one of my favorite songs “Why fear death, be scared of living” and I think about that all the time. Death is FUCKING scary, and no one wants to die…. but being alive, holy shit that is also terrifying. Everyday you have to try. Trying can be hard (especially with depression). Just waking up in the morning can be hard. But we all do it. Everyday, and we’re ok. At the end of the day, we are ok… whether we watched TV all day or sat in the garden and stared into space… or went to our boring meaningless jobs… we made it throuh the day and we’re ok. I am NOT saying death is better than living… but it’s just a good point, that yes although death is scary, life is also scary. Like really scary. Talking to people is scary. Driving is scary. Going to the grocery store is scary. Writing is scary. Living is scary. So believe me… it’s scary for everyone. And maybe some people have more not-so-scary or hard days than you, but so what… they aren’t you, they haven’t been through what you have, and they just aren’t you. Every single person is different from another… does that even make any sense?
I feel like I am rambling. Like a lot. Look, at least you are at the point where you are asking/seeking help, and advice. There are people that sit in their houses all day and hoard shit, and never talk to people and don’t even know what the internet is. Dude, you know what the internet is… you’re on the right track.
Hang in there. And just keep telling yourself everyday, that you are enough. Ok?
I hope that helps in some way. We all get those feelings, life can be so hard and can sometimes suck and you feel like you are failing at life. Everyone has felt like that at one point or another… some people feel it more than others. And that is seriously ok. If it helps to know… you are definitely NOT alone.
I feel like this all the time – especially when I’m very successful. Like the only reason things look like they are going well is because I’ve forgotten something and my world is going to crash any second.
The thing that helps me is to have clear goals – daily, weekly goals; larger monthly,quarterly goals; huge “this is how I know I made it” goals. Specific, measurable goals that when I get anxious or depressed I can say “no. I had 15 pages to write this week, and I did that. I am successful. I am not a bad writer because I didn’t write 20 pages. I did what I set out to do.”
The specificity makes it easier for me.
I can probably add nothing to anything that anyone above has said. To be honest when I saw that there were over 1200 comments I just skipped to the end so I could add this.
I don’t struggle with the same demons you do. I have a daughter who does to some extent but that’s really been my only in person exposure.
I just wanted to say that in my experience (58 years of it) we all feel like that at times. When you look in on other people’s lives you’re seeing what they are exposing, not how they’re living it. I think it’s your non-standard brain chemistry that tilts your perceptions.
I do struggle at times with accepting compliments. I’ve recently taken up woodturning and it’s easy to see those folks that do it so much better than I do. But, just like you looking in on other people’s lives and not seeing the struggles that had to get there or the continuing struggles to maintain the appearance, I’m not seeing the amounts of firewood the other turners have produced getting to where they are now.
Over time I’ve gotten a little better at accepting that other people enjoy what I do and what I make – but I’m not entirely sure in my heart I actually believe them.
Sorry, not really much good or concrete advice here. I just wanted to let you know that us “normal” folks feel the same way you do, and that you’re not Abby Normal in having the feelings. I’ve been reading you for a while now and I know that you understand how to manage your issues.
I hope this gives you at least a small bit of comfort.
Thank you for all you do.
I can tell you this much. I think that for someone who does have the emotional, physical and mental barriers to overcome, you’ve accomplished more than most have. I look to you as an example because I have physical and emotional barriers to overcome and I’ve done squat with my life. And I’m nearly fifty and it looks bleaker and bleaker. Plus, I’ve just have parathyroid surgery and instead of feeling better, I’ve been dealing with crippling depression since that makes me question myself much in the same way you are questioning yourself now. So, there goes my “well, when I feel better after surgery” excuse that I’ve clung to for a year.
I can’t make you value yourself highly, but I can tell you that pushing through the stuff you’ve had to push through and yet accomplishing so much is amazeballs. Fuck the PTA moms and what they might or might not have accomplished–doing social, group civic activity might be how they avoid themselves. And for whatever else you’ve done or haven’t done, you do NOT avoid yourself.
I wish I could hug you right now. I wish you could hug me. Take care.
I don’t think about what I have or have not accomplished anymore. I used to beat myself up for not being perfect and turn around and be a total witch when it comes to bitching about what the other person has or has not done. I discovered I am a hypocrite. I do know about depression. Mine is not as severe as yours. I don’t think about suicide at all I always find something to interest me. It might be the most nerdiest thing in the universe and it will give me a little bit of joy to discover new things…but it works for me. When I was growing up my mother had cancer during my entire childhood until she passed away when I was 17. I had mood swings throughout my life. I found that if I don’t think about myself and think about someone or something else it helps.
It is 4:17 PM and I have been so busy today with work and household stuff that I haven’t even had time to put a bra on yet. But if you ask me what I’ve accomplished so far today…I don’t know. Nothing significant, even though I’ve been working really hard.
I feel like I’m failing probably 50% of the time. And then the other 50% of the time I feel REALLY accomplished and on top of the world. Such is life of a manic depressive with anxiety.
My biggest problem is that I can’t allow myself to take a break. It’s bad enough to work really hard and feel like I’m failing. It’s ten times worse to actually take a day or even an evening off to sit on the beach or play a game with a friend or do anything that isn’t work. Because then, not only have I not accomplished anything at the end of the day, but I also struggle to resist telling myself that I’m lazy and have no work ethic.
I try to just hold on to the moments where I feel accomplished, and I don’t let depression take those moments away. Some good is better than no good. There’s a line in the Vincent Van Gogh episode of Doctor Who about life being a pile of bad things and a pile of good things that has really resonated with me. So when I feeling especially crappy about myself, I try to remember that the bad things do not take away from my “good things” pile.
It’s not just you. 2 college degrees, successful career, 15-year marriage, 2 intelligent children that other people love to be around , and _every_ day I wonder when “they” are going to find me out, that I’m not really smart enough or good enough and it’ll all go away, and I’ll be left with the “nothing” that I “deserve”.
Fortunately, like you, I also know that I’m wrong. That I am worth it. That, while I’m lucky, I’ve also worked hard for and earned the life I have. That my brain lies to me.
Sometimes we just need someone to remind us, and you have the privelege of being that someone for lots and lots of people, people who need that reminder just as much as you do. Don’t be afraid to ask for it when you need it.
Thank you for all that you do for all of us. :’)
I don’t think I’ve ever commented here, but I feel like this ALL the time. Seriously. I’ve never been diagnosed as having depression or anxiety, but I have a family history of depression and every time someone talks about their anxiety that sounds like me. Also, when you mentioned Imposter syndrome that sounded like me, too. So either I am way more screwed up than I thought, just racking up the mental illnesses that I should probably be medicated for, or everyone feels like this and no one ever mentions it.
I feel like a complete failure probably 29-30 days a month. Which I guess means I feel like I have my shit together 1-2 days a month, but I am a glass-half-empty/pessimist kind of person, although I often masquerade as a realist. Sometimes I talk to my husband about this, and he says he feels the same way, which makes me feel better briefly, but then I think “Shit, I’m fucking up his life, too!”
I also occasionally wonder if I have an inability to be happy/satisfied. For example, we recently hired contractors to help us finish our bathroom, which has been sitting gutted for 2+ years after a pipe burst in the wall. Instead of feeling excited, I felt guilty that we didn’t DIY it, and upset about the money we’re spending. When the drywall was installed I should have felt fucking furiously happy. THRILLED at the progress. Instead I felt murderously ragey/stabby about the fact that if wasn’t EXACTLY the way I wanted/would have done it. (So, add “control freak” to my undiagnosed mental illnesses above.) And? Now the contractors have had to take two days off for whatever reason, and now I’m panicky that they’re never going to come back.
I feel the same way. I am going to say about 3 days a month. I suffer from depression and social anxiety as well. Plus when I was a child I was an amazing student so it was built up that I would do great things. I’m not a doctor or lawyer. Right now, in fact, I’m unemployed, as I had to quit my last job because of the stress. I totally get this entire post. This morning my sister even told me to stop putting myself down, even to myself. I was really bummed about not being offered a job that I really want and my (ex)bf ignore-dumping me. I don’t have any tips to help you unfortunately. I will say that you are awesome and that being able to do an email interview with you is one of the highlights of my blogging career.
No. It’s not just you.
I don’t actively sit and try and think about how successful I’ve been in the past month, year, whatever, because if I did I’d probably lose the will to watch Lord of the Rings and eat biscuits (UK biscuits, the ones with chocolate in). They’re my only joys in life .
But, if ever there’s a quiz situation where winning depends on a thorough knowledge of biscuit eating (just eating, not biscuits in general) and Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn, well, then my day of triumph will have arrived and I will never know the stain of failure again!
Seriously, it’s not just you. You’re not alone.
The sheer volume of responses and acknowledgements should be an indication of what you’ve accomplished and are capable of. How many people could produce such an outpouring? You are not alone, and I often struggle with many of these bad thought patterns too.
Jenny! Look at all this feedback. The reason we love you is because you are so frigging honest about what most of us feel. I am sorry for your struggles. I know they are not easy. But the phenomenal success of your book is due to the fact that so many of us relate to what you are feeling but don’t have the courage to TELL anyone. You do that for us. We love you! Quit being so hard on yourself. (I know, easy to say.)
You are definitely not alone, as you can see from the rest of the comments. I also struggle with depression and anxiety and don’t normally have any days when I feel that things are right, although I am currently unmedicated, so if I WAS medicated I could probably aspire to 3-4 days a month. I feel like I am the fattest, worst dressed, most introverted and awkward mom at every school function (although in my defense, we have unusually fit, outgoing, involved mothers in my town) and can’t even find the time /brain energy once I get out of work to even read PTA emails, nevermind joining the PTA. As for success, I have artistic talents which are completely wasted in my current job, which I hate and which leaves me no energy to actually do art in the one hour of night I have to squeeze something in that I want to do. I could say that there are so many things you should be proud of and enjoy, but I know that the brain, especially the brain of a person with depression, doesn’t work like that, so I will spare you. But it would be nice for all of us to be able to actually see life as it really is, which I’m sure it’s much better than what is in our heads.
I moved out when I was 18 to a new city that I have visited only once in passing. I have a full time job that has allowed me to buy a house (built from the ground up, thank you vurry much) with my boyfriend with whom I just shared a 3 year anniversary. I have health insurance, air in my lungs, the ability to see, hear, touch, walk, run.
On paper, I have a very accomplished life. Instead of looking all these great things that I do have, I still find myself feeling empty and lost because I haven’t accomplished the same as other people my age.
My mother died when I was 18, and because I couldn’t deal with the grief of losing a parent, I dropped out of school and have been working any job I can since I was 20 to make sure that I could stay afloat with my bills.
I see my friends with their degrees, their perfect jobs, the fun things that they do with their significant other, and I can’t help but feel this horrible sadness and resentment in my heart for all of my failures. There are days where I just want to cry because I realize that the most productive thing I did the day before was load the dishwasher (and not start it).
We have this brand new house that still has its barren walls and I wonder if I’ll ever feel motivated enough to decorate it and make it feel like our home.
I wonder if I’ll ever do something more than “just working at a call center” or if I’ll ever feel more that “just getting by”. I want elation. Sadly, I don’t feel like I let myself feel that.
I usually wonder if maybe I’m off balance and give the idea of seeking therapy a try, but I am terrified to admit that maybe I do need help, and what the results of that help might be.
I feel your pain, love. (Not all of it, but some.)
From one Texas girl to the other.
<3
MAYBE one a month do I feel like I have things together and I’m doing okay. Those shiny, pretty people that seem to have their shit together? They don’t. They’re just as fucked up as the rest of us, only maybe they can hide it better. Nobody has it together, and it’s probably rare to find people that feel accomplished regularly. You aren’t alone. Unfortunately, you’re just like the rest of us.
“Part of it is that I judge myself by the shiny, pretty people I see at Parent-Teacher meetings, or on Facebook, or or Pintrest who seem to totally have their shit together and never have unwashed hair. They never wait until Thursday night to help their kid with the entire week’s homework. They don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last. They have pretty, pastel lives, and they are happy, and they own picnic baskets and napkins and know how to recycle, and they never run out of toilet paper or get their electricity turned off.”
You absolutely HAVE to stop doing this and assuming these things. Not everyone lets the outside world see them as they are, warts and all. You do, so you may be assuming that others are, too. Nope. Most people only put their best faces out there. You just can’t compare yourself to anyone else. You don’t know their full stories.
Now I will share my embarrassing truth.
I’m not a Mom. I’m not a wife. I’m not a significant other. I have very few friends because I am an introvert that enjoys lots and lots of quiet time and that doesn’t jive with most. I’m pretty self assured most of the time. But sometimes it occurs to me that I don’t really serve any real purpose. I question if it’s enough to simply live my life, being my own little happy contented self, and not really make any impact on the world whatsoever. Simply be born, live, then die.
So to fill that need to make an impact….and this is ridiculous, I will try to enlighten people about how whatever stance they just posted about is wrong. Try to help them see how to be more accepting and loving. This is my contribution to society, y’all. Arguing on Facebook.
When it gets to the point that everyone around me is making me angry and I feel like a sponge for negativity I break down. I cry all the time, I become convinced that I’m the most horrible person on the planet, I’m a fraud, I’m a jerk, nobody loves me or cares about me. And to prove this, I take a break from my usual online routine and then count the days that it takes for someone to notice. Not taking into consideration that they all have their own lives to lead and not everything is about me. But when I’m that low, logic does not come into play. It’s just proof that my personality sucks and people don’t like me at all.
So, no you’re not alone. As everyone above me has already pointed out.
This is everybody, not just those who are depressed/anxious. Everyone has personal problems. The put-together mom handing out home-baked cookies at the meetings with her perfect chignon actually has an abusive alcohol husband and she’s taking Xanax just to get through the day. The staid university professor with the glasses has no brothers or sisters and no children and nobody to leave his estate to. The beautiful celebrities with their perfect-seeming lives have drug problems, infidelity in their marriages, secret gay lifestyles, gambling addictions, etc. No one is perfect.
The sad part of human nature is that we judge each other, when we should in reality just judge ourselves. Are we being the best that we can be? If so, then sod off to everyone else in the world. My house is a mess and my kids eat Kraft Mac & Cheese once a week. So? They’re happy and healthy and loved. They laugh and smile and run around like crazy people a lot. That’s what’s important, not how my family appears to others.
I remember once, when I was about 25, my BFF told me that she was so jealous of my life. Her: a fly-by-night hyper person with 2 ex-husbands under her belt, a meth habit in her past, a long string of failed jobs and no college education. Me: an introverted single woman with not one date for the previous 5 years, but halfway through a Bachelor’s program and my own apartment. I couldn’t imagine why she was jealous of ME when she was the one who had the exciting life. I envied her freedom and loosey goosey lifestyle, and she envied my stability and clear path ahead. It’s all relative.
1) It’s not just you.
2) Today’s countrified saying: Quit comparing your back porch to other people’s front porch. Just because you can’t see another person’s issues doesn’t mean they don’t have them.
3) Depression lies.
MAYBE once a month do I feel like I have things together and I’m doing okay. Those shiny, pretty people that seem to have their shit together? They don’t. They’re just as fucked up as the rest of us, only maybe they can hide it better. Nobody has it together, and it’s probably rare to find people that feel accomplished regularly. You aren’t alone. Unfortunately, you’re just like the rest of us.
Have you already read the Tiffany Aching books by Terry Pratchett? PS, you should. Because there’s a moment when the Wee Free Men explain to Tiffany that her hateful, hurtful, world is their heaven, & their reasoning is sound.
By and large, I have mad powers of ignoration*, but sometimes the highlight reels of others catch up to me & I feel like I’m doing it wrong, the whole ‘being alive’ thing. I try to remember there is no doing it wrong shy of mass murder, & as I haven’t burned it all down yet, I’m probably doing fine. I also try to remember that I should see these mental breakdowns as opportunities to improve, but usually I just use them to eat a cookie.
In summation, we should all go kill some vampires.
*also not OED, still totally a word.
Hi, Jenny.
Everyone has stuff they are no good at and stuff they don’t / can’t do. While I was reading this i thought “you got to the BANK. on the FIRST day you needed to? How??” – and most people consider me to be pretty successful.
Of course, they are wrong. I often feel that don’t have any particular skills and will never get another job, or at least never get a job at this level, again. No-one who I work with would believe either of these things, i.e. either that I won’t get work at this level or that I would seriously doubt my ability to get such a job.
So, what you have is an extreme version of normal. Sure your mental illness skews things so you feel bad more often than most people. But everyone worries over stuff they feel they are not good at. So the soccer mums and PTA mums are jealous of your success and wish they could do what you can do. They feel they have not left a lasting impression on the world and not achieved recognition because they have never had a book published.
There is also a friends test. I have the most marvellous friends and when I remember that I am forced to conclude that I can’t be all bad if these people like you. You are friends with Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman. Fuck. They are amazing, and they like you. You husband is obviously a saint and he likes you. Can you take their word for it that you are a good and successful person if you will not believe yourself?
And please don’t set impossible standards for me to live up to. I go to work, stay too long, come home, may or may not do a bit more work and sleep – and maybe do a bit of stuff on facebook.It is all I have the time and energy for. Please don’t make me a failure because I am not raising kids, writing books, feeding the world and making cupcakes. Jeez. Give me a break!
So, please try and adjust your standards. They are impossibly and unnecessarily high and they seem to be making you unhappy. You maybe could and hopefully will be happy.
Love and Peace,
Andy.
Oh, and then I also remind myself, the aliens could come any day to end the world with a zombie apocalypse, and does writing that second book, or doing the dishes… matter when it comes to the zombie apocalypse team? No. No it does not.
For context: I have good self-esteem, haven’t suffered from depression or other MH issues so far, and have strong coping mechanisms. (You should hear some of the shit I have coped with. Or possibly nobody should. But I tell just about anybody who stands still long enough because I’m a blabbermouth.) I am pretty unemotional, but not in a way that it causes me problems. I wouldn’t be surprised if I meet criteria for mild ADD, but I have a good job and my lack of attention doesn’t get me into trouble too often 🙂
The *days* I feel awesome are very rare. In fact I can’t remember one. I have moments where I did some small thing I was pleased with and do a little air-punch. Those are frequent, I would hope to get a few a week. They are fleeting, the sensation usually lasts seconds or minutes at most. I screw up all the time, sometimes shrug it off, sometimes beat myself up a little, but that too is fleeting. Very, very occasionally I screw up badly and I stress about it. Mostly I stress if 1) there’s nothing I can do and 2) the outcome hasn’t played out yet. I.e. there’s something to worry about. Those I lose sleep over, but they’re really rare (less than one a year).
Sometimes I think about my life, what I’ve achieved, should I have done more, am I a good person, am I a good friend, a good partner, have I made good long-term decisions, that sort of thing. But I know I try to do the right thing and mostly I’m not an arse, so I don’t beat myself up that I’m not a saint and I don’t dwell on it. (Perhaps I do have ADD so I’m pathologically unable to dwell on things. Who knows?) The times I know I have been an arse I feel bad about it, probably not for long enough, and hope to do better in future, but if I’m honest I don’t exactly work hard at it. But I don’t often feel like I’ve been an arse, and I don’t feel ashamed right now describing it.
My facebook friends, like everyone’s I assume, post mostly only their ‘best self’ so they all look like Stepford Wives or Husbands with perfect, angelic children. I take that with a pinch of salt. (Actually I have one friend who posts candidly about how her kids regularly try to kill each other, and I love her for it. But all the others are pretending to be perfect and I don’t think it’s healthy.)
I’d say your thoughts about your life, how you’re doing, all that kind of stuff, sound completely normal, I definitely recognise that. But your feelings about them don’t sound healthy, so yeah, maybe you should get help with those. Not because you need to change to be good enough, but because you *are* good enough, and having the same failings and fuckups as the rest of us shouldn’t make you feel like a failure or a fuckup.
I feel successful very rarely, come to think of it. Most days I’m feeling pretty neutral, more not-like-a-complete-failure than actually successful. When I do feel accomplished, it’s usually because I’ve caught up on writing book reviews or finally replied to that email I’d been avoiding for the past three weeks. Sometimes the despair gets to me and I feel like a complete waste of oxygen. I have no idea if this is normal. I don’t know how to fix it, either – usually I end up just going to bed and starting over the next day. I’ve heard of people who write down the two or three Things That Must Get Done Today, no matter how small, and if they do those they feel accomplished. I don’t do that because I invariably fail to do one or more item on the list and then feel more worthless than before. Sometimes I try the Gratitude Journal thing, which is good but it’s hard not to get sarcastic and passive-aggressive with it (“I’m so grateful my husband ran off with Susie instead of Carrie because Carrie still has my DVD box set”). Mostly I just snuggle my cat. That makes everything better.
I just skimmed the comments above and it sounds like we’re both normal after all. Or at least normal among the pool of people who comment on this blog, for whatever that’s worth. 🙂
Because I can relate on so many levels, and because all I want is to help people are suffering too- I will tell some of my story, and offer up what has helped me.
I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember, I’m sure I was a fairly happy child but I do recall feeling deep anxiety even when I was very young. When I turned 13 or 14 I discovered alcohol, and drugs, and being around dangerous people and places. I soon wanted and was high or drunk or numb in some way all of the time, because I didn’t like who I was, and I didn’t like how I felt, and I didn’t know where I was going. I assumed/hoped I would just die at 18 and I wouldn’t have to deal with life anymore. I got close, by using IV heroin, and not being safe, and attempting suicide, but I survived. Obviously.
Eventually I had to get sober, because drugs are fucked up. Little did I understand at the time, all of that drug lifestyle made my shame and guilt and horrible feelings about myself worse, 10 fold. I now had deeply shameful things that I had done, that I never wanted anyone to know about. I had traumatic experiences that burned memories into my brain and gave me more anxiety. Shitty. I went to rehab a few times, and got sober for real about 4 years ago. The 12 steps of AA/NA/etc are largely about changing who you are and how you think about yourself and the world and how you fit into the world. Drugs were just me self medicating a whole lot of mental anguish. They were a symptom, not the problem.
I got a lot better, for sure. But I was still depressed. I still felt like an impostor. Like everyone around me would find out who I used to be, and they would disown me. People would find out what I’ve done and they would not like me anymore. Why try and date, when you tell the person who you *really are* they will leave immediately. Even after I got a job at a huge, successful tech company- I struggled with doing what I thought was enough work, and I thought any day I would be fired for being a fraud and an idiot. I spent days in my office working through tears because I was sad, and I was alone, and I had no idea how to feel better.
But, it gets better. I have been going to EMDR therapy which if you don’t know about it, PLEASE ask me or research it or read the book that the creator/discoverer wrote (Francine Shapiro.) Along with CBT, and it is WORK. Daily I have to argue with myself about the thoughts I am having. Sometimes it sucks, and sometimes I lose, but sometimes I win. My therapist is AMAZING, so that helps. I always wanted her or any therapist to say “Oooh, you’re bipolar! That’s the problem, here is a pill that will make you feel way better” but, I think very few mental illnesses work that way. That is just my opinion, and what my therapist has said to me- she thinks I want to have something wrong with me, that if I can put these labels on it than that’s that and I can just wallow in my diagnoses.
For me, medication was about 15% of the solution. I take and average amount of Zoloft, and it REALLY helped take the edge off. It helped me get out of bed, it helped the physical symptoms of anxiety enough to work through the mental part. But it Depression fucking sucks, but it takes work to crawl out of it- which double sucks, because work is the last thing I want to do when I’m depressed. It took me a really long time to find the courage.
I still work at that big company, in an even better position, and there are still days that I can’t believe they let me come there. I can’t. fucking. believe it. But I feel less like a fraud, and more deeply grateful for how far I have come. I don’t know if I deserve it- but I allow myself to feel love for it, to be thankful and to enjoy it while I have it.
I’m not saying you aren’t working, I don’t know you other than what I’ve read here and your book. But I like what I know, a lot. And I want you to know that YES I have felt that way. YES you are normal just the way you are. YES my Facebook looks like I have it all together and I always do my hair and have picnics. It’s a lie. Facebook is a lie. The PTA moms are a lie. You are normal, you are okay, and you are loved.
When I feel particularly lost, I like to watch a youtube video of the Al Pacino’s final speech in Any Given Sunday. It’s about football, and about life, and it gives me just a tiny bit of passion. Somedays you have to claw with your fingernails to get where you want to go.
I used to think that, when I had kids, I would be Practically Perfect in Every Way…..it didn’t happen. Chalk up another failure at helping with homework, getting the projects done in time and keeping the house stocked and clean. There have been years as a working mom and years as a stay-at-home mom – with very little difference. I rarely feel that I’ve accomplished anything worthwhile, but often feel that I have alienated my own kids and made no impact on my family. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, or anxiety issues…so I don’t know if there is a cause in there which could be cured (not for me, but for true sufferers of the aforementioned afflictions and mental illnesses). I doubt it though. I think we, all humans, are programmed to look for approval and success — which we project onto others so that we feel inadequate in our own shells.
Does it help at all if I say that you, Jenny, are an inspiration in all that you do accomplish??
I’m 31 years old, and after my most recent (failed) attempt to enter into a relationship, realized that I’ve never been in love with someone who’s loved me back. This revelation has led to a period of self-medicating with cigarettes and alcohol, because it turns out nicotine is actually a pretty potent antidepressant, and it’s the only thing that stops me from shaking, and sleep is not happening without some kind of booze. The reason I’m using such archaic methods is because I have $50 in the bank, about $150 total of credit left on my credit cards, and the type of health insurance that basically just makes it so my parents are only out a few grand if I get into some sort of horrible accident and am stuck in ICU for a few days while people collect to say their goodbyes.
All of this would be significantly less depressing (and ironic) if I wasn’t actually a doctor.
I take good care of myself, am decently attractive, and have worked my ass off, but aside from a handful of really great friends who keep me anchored to this world, I feel worthless all the time. Like no matter how hard I try, nothing will ever be good enough. Because how can I be as good as the people around me keep telling me I am if I’m the only person who doesn’t have someone to share love with.
So you’re not alone. And that’s why, although I often want to punch people in the throat (although USUALLY not patients, because I think that constitutes a violation of an oath I took somewhere), I remember this quote: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.”
Be kind to yourself, Jenny. 🙂
(And yes, my email does contain the word Thundercat. But that’s because I chose it when I was 17, gay, and living in a small town … and although Cheetarah was my favorite, I figured the other SUPER nice kids didn’t need any more fodder. Lol)
I can tell you this much: I think that for someone who does have the emotional, physical and mental barriers to overcome, you’ve accomplished more than most have. I look to you as an example because I have physical and emotional barriers to overcome and I’ve done squat with my life. And I’m nearly fifty and it looks bleaker and bleaker. Plus, I’ve just have parathyroid surgery and, instead of feeling better, I’ve been dealing with crippling depression since that makes me question myself much in the same way you are questioning yourself now. So, there goes my “well, when I feel better after surgery” excuse that I’ve clung to for a year.
I can’t make you value yourself highly, but I can tell you that looking in from the outside, you pushing through the stuff you’ve had to push through and accomplishing so much is amazeballs to me. Fuck the PTA moms and what they might or might not have accomplished–doing social, group civic activity might be how they avoid themselves. And for whatever else you’ve done or haven’t done, you do NOT avoid yourself. I don’t think many people are honest with themselves and others about themselves and you are. Plus, anyone who brings laughter into this world is doing a world-class act of charity. Especially that you’ve been able to do so not only about the problems plaguing you, but despite them.
I wish I could hug you right now. I wish you could hug me. Take care.
You know, I read somewhere that most of the suffering in this world is from trying to make something be that isn’t. Or being unhappy because you cant achieve x, y or z.
Acceptance, I find, is the thing that differentiates the happy from the unhappy.
No you will not be those pastel people. But really, why do you want to be? What is wrong with you? ( this is rhetorical..)
I try to be a good momma to a toddler. Sometimes that means we do all sorts of fancy play things that enrich her brain. Some days, we are happy just to have clean clothes on and not be covered in yogurt. She is happy to be with me. She doesn’t judge (yet.)
It took me years of yoga class to get this into my head to accept who I am. I am not good at it. I am not good at a lot of things, but in the end, I am good at being me, and that is all I have in this world.
Here’s my very small voice in a crowd:
“How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person?” 5 days MAX. Even with a part-time job, I still feel like they’re going to fire me for not being as helpful as I said I could be to get the job. I feel successful when the hubs doesn’t look as depressed as I feel.
“What makes you feel the worst?” Scrambling out of bed to get showered and dressed before my husband comes home, just as I hear him coming in the door. Listening to the voices in my head (I call them “monsters”) who harass me as I hide under the covers all day. Being a big lump who rarely sees people outside the house, yet is terrified to leave the house because I might have to have a conversation.
“What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?” Try to break it down to smaller goals. Points (individually) for doing any of these: getting up before 4pm, getting dressed, feeding my cats, feeding myself, brushing my teeth, remembering to take my meds. Bonus points for: showering, washing dishes (yes, we have a dishwasher), cleaning *anything* in the house, remembering to do the small bit of work that I have, taking myself to the doctor/acupuncture, *any* kind of exercise, *any* kind of socialization outside my house.
There is no normal. People who say otherwise are lying or trying to sell you something.
FWIW: I had to take 4mg of Xanax to see you in Portland, but I stayed to get your signature and it was totally worth it, even though I got turned around leaving and nearly drove to the coast because I was high on victory.
Hi, Jenny.
Everyone has stuff they are no good at and stuff they don’t / can’t do. While I was reading this i thought “you got to the BANK. on the FIRST day you needed to? How??” – and most people consider me to be pretty successful.
Of course, they are wrong. I often feel that don’t have any particular skills and will never get another job, or at least never get a job at this level, again. No-one who I work with would believe either of these things, i.e. either that I won’t get work at this level or that I would seriously doubt my ability to get such a job.
So, what you have is an extreme version of normal. Sure your mental illness skews things so you feel bad more often than most people. But everyone worries over stuff they feel they are not good at. So the soccer mums and PTA mums are jealous of your success and wish they could do what you can do. They feel they have not left a lasting impression on the world and not achieved recognition because they have never had a book published.
There is also a friends test. I have the most marvellous friends and when I remember that I am forced to conclude that I can’t be all bad if these people like you. You are friends with Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman. Fuck. They are amazing, and they like you. You husband is obviously a saint and he likes you. Can you take their word for it that you are a good and successful person if you will not believe yourself?
And please don’t set impossible standards for me to live up to. I go to work, stay too long, come home, may or may not do a bit more work and sleep – and maybe do a bit of stuff on facebook.It is all I have the time and energy for. Please don’t make me a failure because I am not raising kids, writing books, feeding the world and making cupcakes. Jeez. Give me a break!
So, please try and adjust your standards. They are impossibly and unnecessarily high and they seem to be making you unhappy. You maybe could and hopefully will be happy.
Love and Peace,
Andy.
Just saw this great article and it’s so true, even though I don’t have kids… yet. 🙂
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
Really, our success is in our minds! Remember “smile therapy?” They just fake smile for so long it becomes real.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/isnt-what-i-expected/201207/try-some-smile-therapy
Laugh at life, laugh at how ridiculous all of it is sometimes. Happiness and fulfillment is what we imagine it to be every single moment… even it it’s just “hey, I’m alive today!” Doesn’t have to be any greater or more complicated than that. Forget that competition game between moms… it’s not worth your sanity!
It’s not just you, really it isn’t. Realising, after a long time, it wasn’t just me really helped (thank you for the book by the way, it was my birthday present to myself last month and is really helping at the moment). I think there’s too much pressure on everyone to get 1000 things done in a day, have/raise perfect kids, join every committee going and perfect juggling with hedgehogs before Wednesday and really, sometimes just getting up in the morning and getting to the end of the day should be seen as a major achievement.
I loved you before….I love you even more now. Thank you for brutal honesty. You have done thousands and thousands of us minions a real service today!
Let me start this by saying: I don’t have anxiety issues, I don’t have depression.
But I feel like a fraud, I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I don’t do enough at home, at work, for others, for myself. I feel like a slug.
This is most days, and I KNOW I’m not the only one. My friends do too.
So I try to look at my life and say “meh, everyone else is in the same boat I’m in – and it may be sinking but we’re sinking together, so stop your stressing, Judith you’re going to have a heart attack”.
Then I tell myself that my Grandmother didn’t try to do everything I try to: Work, take care of the house, take care of family and cram it all in to one 24hr day. She didn’t work outside the home, and inside the home, and try to do volunteer work, and be perfect at it. Her attitude was if it gets done it gets done – if it doesn’t it’ll still be there tomorrow.
We are too hard on ourselves – and I’m not just talking about women. We are ALL too hard on ourselves in this modern age. We don’t turn off – we are always on, between the smart phones and the laptops it’s a wonder we haven’t all gone screaming down the street from lack of down time.
Basically, what I’m trying to say is – No you are not abnormal – If you and your Doctor are communicating, and you are taking your meds, unless you feel way worse than usual I’d say your o.k.. Because what you described above is TOTALLY normal as far as I’m concerned and all you can do is acknowledge it and try to be o.k. with it.
Stressing out about it is not going to make it better, it never does for me. Do what I do, have some ice cream and read a book. Works for me.
But if you feel a whole lot different than usual – it wouldn’t hurt to go to your doctor and discuss altering your meds.
I love your blog. I think you’re AWESOME!
I was just feeling exactly this way and feeling down. Then I was like, “Hey, let’s go see if Jenny has posted anything!” to distract myself, and I came here to see this post that describes exactly how I’m feeling at the moment. Thank you, and you are not the only one!
Well, I have weird internal conversations. My sister once told me that in the end, the feeling of accomplishment I am always seeking is really fighting through the things that scare me, so every time I do, I throw up a handful of mental confetti and a thousand, ok, fine, DOZENS of tiny voices go “yaaaaay!” (Not a metaphor. I go through the motions in my head: announcement, confetti, yaaaay.)
And we all have a case of the “shoulds” – should do more, should be more – and so I try to avoid that mirror-speak: “Christ, you’re huge. Shouldn’t you…” and just say ok, here’s where I am today, can’t change it today, let’s do something for someone else and not make this all about me for one fucking second.
Before I sent my daughter off to college, I got her this wooden sign that said: “Every day do one thing that scares you then run like hell.” She didn’t need it, I did.
I’m not sure if sharing that helped or added to the mix, but it was my experience, and some days I get the confetti and the yay just for opening my eyelids.
Wanting to send you thoughts of caring and understandng right now. From a dingy haired mom who fails to live the way I think I should be living everyday. My own mom wasnt knocking out her days at PTA and guiding me to my best childhood ever, she mostly lost herself in books…, but wow, what she gave me by her very existance. Such a powerfully wonderful and crazy thing that I never fully expressed to her when she was alive. Your gifts to this world are immeasurable and I can’t imagine trying to find the words for it.
i’m completely sane by most anyone’s standards (not in therapy, on drugs, or suffering as a result of the lack of either) and feel successful *maybe* a day or two each month. depends on the month. nothing works in february in new england, y’all.
I’m married to someone who looks like he has all his shit together. Ridiculously successful in his career, compassionate and friendly to everyone, devoted to his family (I mean the ones he grew up with, we are childless, but that’s a story for another day) and all that jazz. I see what no one else does, here behind the closed doors of our house. I see the man who freaks out during that time between making a recommendation and finding out if it will work, who criticizes everyone behind their backs if they don’t share his viewpoint, who is incapable of making a decision about his career because every role he’s ever held has been handed to him on a silver platter, who is a closet porn freak (I don’t mind, I am too. once again… another story for another day), who is convinced that he’s about to be fired (believe me, he’s not) and who is constantly pitting his wife against his family and giving them the benefit of the doubt every time. Okay that last point is not really related, it’s just something I’m currently bitter about. My point that everyone else on earth thinks he is Mr. Wonderful and is the poster child for being perfect. But I see that he has these insecurities EVERY DAMNED DAY. I bet he doesn’t have 4 days a month where he really feels successful at life. But he pretends well.
I also have a few friends who look perfect on the outside (business owner, PTA, perfectly groomed, etc) and as a close friend I get to see the insecurities on the inside. I’m figuring out that everyone is pretending.
I can’t decide if that makes me feel better or worse. On one hand, it’s nice to see that even the Golden Ones struggle. But at the same time I can’t help but think that if they feel this way but are still capable of a successful career and being friendly and well groomed and everything, then I must be REALLY screwed up if I hate everyone and can’t even manage to put on clothes and go to the store to buy lettuce so he can make his own stupid BLT for supper.
This probably didn’t help you at all. Plus I’m a terrible writer so I don’t even know if I got my point across or not. Ignore me.
Miss Jenny, I think this is a more common phenomenon than most people are willing to admit. People are in a constant stage of comparing themselves to others, trying to put on their best faces, afraid of what will happen when they show something other than that paper cut-out we painstakingly made because how else would we keep on par with anyone else?
This was one of the reasons I’ve struggled with social media so much. It’s so easy to slip into something that isn’t me. People can comment on a picture in which I look good, and I’ll think, “Well, yeah. I posed for that. Took at least twenty pictures to get it right. If you were to see the real me, I only really look like that when I’m posed exactly like that, and you’d have to be where the camera is for it to even look decent.” It’s during those times that I love and hate myself the most. People like the picture, they approve of it–literally giving it a thumbs up. But it makes me wonder how many people are approving of this paper cut-out that I allow everyone to see versus the actual real me, who actually hates makeup and has to pluck hairs out of her face. And then I start down the path of “Who am I really?” As much as I hate labels, they’re everywhere, and the only way to identify yourself is by picking one up and hoping it’s what you want to be, and then figuring out how to get it off when you’ve decided against it.
What I take solace in is the knowledge that, the more I talk to other people and open up to them, I realize I’m not the only fucked up person around. And I say that lovingly. We’re all fucked up. And it’s glorious. This knowledge has gotten me through my worst times to know I’m not alone.
Many of my friends are always saying how put together I am. “You know what you want,” they say. I exude confidence that is really just my selfish truth. Inside, I am worrying that everyone can tell I have a zit. That what I said didn’t actually make sense, and people are just nodding to be nice. That I will be stuck in a corporate world, money dragging me down. That the death of my grandfather also meant the death of any relationship with anyone on that side of the family. That I can’t ever show a side of myself other than happy because that’s the face people want to see, and when I talk about anything other than my happiness, the subject is changed because no one wants to hear that.
If I’m being honest, I am genuinely happy about 40% of my day recently. The rest is filled with panic on whether I’ll have enough money to survive (I always do), on how all of my friends but me are in relationships and married (half of me wants someone to share the day with, the other half wants to stay single forever, but maybe I’m just lying to myself because I’m actually a commitment phobe), whether or not I can truly trust the most magnificent people I have chosen to keep around me because the better something is in life, the less real it seems, and whether I am actually any good at my job as everyone else is in a constant busy status while I have extra time to Photoshop memes to answer my coworker’s questions. I have cried every day these past two weeks due to the enormity of the daily pressure because my voices are telling me how much of a failure I’ve become at being an adult.
My blessing is the great support my friends give me. Those close few have proven time and time again that being myself is not only what I should be doing, but how I should always be. This year has been extremely stressful, full of tears (some sad and some happy), and I’m currently on the dipped low end of a bell curve, but my support system always assures me that it will get better, and trying may not always lead to success, but it’s far better than not attempting at all. It takes some time to actually believe it, but you have to sometimes trust others when you can’t trust yourself; their trust coming back to you will eventually have you trusting yourself.
So, no, Jenny, you are not alone. When the world gets shitty, we all take a moment to look at the shit and wonder what we did to get ourselves there. Don’t let your demons get you down. We all trust in you to keep doing your best, even if that means you only try on one day. Just remember that we’re all fucked up…and it’s glorious.
Sometimes I say things like, today I failed at life, then I get yelled at. Too many days I don’t feel lovable, i don’t feel like I have accomplished a damn thing, and I can’t even see my way clear to tomorrow. I think i would say i feel like I am not failing at life maybe…6 or 7 days a month. Disclaimer: I, too, suffer from severe depression, anxiety that keeps me walled up like a hermit, a touch of ocd, and we’ll call them ‘anger issues’. Twice now this year I have had problems with a pinched nerve in the lumbar region of my back that has left me 90% disabled. Useless doctors, ER’s, narcotics which left me addicted but i have since conquered. 22 weeks so far out of this year have been spent in unrelenting pain. I had just gotten my depression meds under control and was feeling mostly human again when they started making me stutter. On those days when I can’t see the point of getting up I worry about me. i know when I don’t want to get up but i have stopped worrying about me that there is a larger, darker, more terrifying issue.
Every day I try to do things that make me feel like I’m drowning, not failing at life. I try to do one thing for me and at least one thing for my husband. If I can manage to get dressed, brush my hair, remember to shower, maybe put on a tiny bit of make up…I consider that a win. If i can sit down and plow through my writers block to accomplish even one written page…I can put down a smiley face for me for that day. I always try to have a smile for my husband when he gets home, even if he knows it’s a bullshit smile, he also knows what it may have cost me. If I manage to make the planned dinner for that night I mark it as winning at life kind of day.
I fail more often than I think i win, but i tell myself that it okay to have bad days, that denying they exist is doing me more harm then good. Years of denying they existed put me in a seriously dark place, where I had plans made and notes written and just Couldn’t. Do It. Any. More.
Bad days are okay. Remembering that people DO love you is also important. Also very hard. A very wise lady told me once that depression lies. It has gotten me through some tough times.
My house is never company-ready, there are always dishes in the sink, sometimes I yell at my kid, I frequently forget to look in the mirror before I leave the house and I will never manage to be one of those Pinterest Moms. I feel like I kick ass maybe 5-10 days a month. But it varies. Some months are more, some are less. Sometimes I wish I were better at all those things, but housework is boring, my kid is alive (and mostly well adjusted). I could probably do all those things that I should be better at, but I’d sacrifice my mental health by getting epically stressed out over time, so ppppbbbttt on that. I’m getting too old to care much anymore about what other people think. It’s liberating.
3-4 days a month sounds about right to me. I’m an academic, so even on days I feel like I rocked, there’s a tiny voice saying, someone else did more/better/more significant work by this point in their career. I have a lot of areas in my life I want to improve. (I identify with the imposter syndrome, 1000000%; my friends call me “rock star” and “Hermione Granger” and I totally play it down).
One thing that has helped me is to pick one thing from the list of stuff I want to improve and focus on it. It’s from an old proverb, “It is better to light a single candle than to sit and curse the darkness.” (but I totally got it from a YA novel from the 60s). So you’re already doing this by making sure you focus on your daughter every day. So pick something else and add that, without losing focus on her.
I don’t have mental health issues (so far as I know…maybe I do and I don’t know it) but I have some physical health issues that are not at all life-threatening but are supremely annoying and add to my feelings of being wrong. Certain body parts/systems are not working correctly and that’s frustrating and I feel very physically broken. So even when I rock at my job, I still have to face that my body isn’t doing what it should. I always feel not quite good enough…or nowhere near good enough. But I am wrong about that, and so are you. We are all the best Uses we can be at this point in time.
All of the above, Jenny. I frequently feel like I failed at growing up, and that I’ll never amount to anything, and that terrifies me. The things that make me feel better about myself are not the compliments, but the times that I can truly see that those pretty pastel people you speak of, aren’t really as perfect as they seem.
The summer after 7th grade, my mom arranged for the mother of the pretty, blonde, skinny, most popular girl in my class, to pick me up and take me to summer school. That summer, I learned that she had the same fears, but also the added pressure of trying to live up to the perfect image that everyone thought was her. (think of Liv Tyler’s character in Empire Records)
When I was much older, I met another “perfect” person. Also skinny, adorable, and fashionably dressed. But with a Master’s degree, and a great job. Whenever my sweetie and I were invited to dinner, her house was spotless and stylish, dinner was made from scratch and delicious (of course). I was intimidated by her and never failed to feel shitty when I left (my fault, not hers). That is, until we dropped by one afternoon to borrow a folding table. The living room was piled with laundry, there were dirty dishes in the sink, and she was wearing sweatpants. Aha! Proof that she’s human too.
The fact is, the grass really does always look greener on the other side of the fence. But that’s only because you’re far enough away that you can’t see the dead spots and weeds. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’re all flying by the seat of our pants, some of us are just more aware of it than others.
The lives you have saved, and the people you have helped, are enough success to last several lifetimes. Give yourself a break, and a hug.
You’ll never read down this far (I think I’m comment number 1000 or so) but I feel like nothing but an epic failure. I keep going because there are some people that depend on me. If they ever stop needing me, I’m not sure what I’ll do to keep going. Maybe I’ll never need to find out.
Good days and bad days. They blend together most of the time. When I’m jealous of your success I quickly realize how hard you have worked for it and how tough your own battles are.
So, uh, no point really.
I don’t know what I can say that others haven’t already said but remember depression lies. Most days I expect someone to come up to me and call me a fraud. I feel like a bad parent, a bad spouse and that my one purpose of the day was to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide. Some days I feel like I nailed it, but those days are rare. I think it is just part of depression and anxiety, we always feel like failures. Depression lies, but your friends and family usually don’t, so try to listen to the positive things they say, I know I do. And I use your story about shouting out necrophelia is wrong and then spending the rest of the party in the bathroom to explain my social anxiety. That right there is just one of the many ways you have helped your tribe. Hang in there, we all have your back
No one has a pretty, pastel life. The prettier it looks, the darker it often is. One of my favorite quotes is from Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God:
“When God had made The Man, he made him out of stuff that sung all the time and glittered all over. Then after that some angels got jealous and chopped him into millions of pieces, but still he glittered and hummed. So they beat him down to nothing but sparks but each little spark had a shine and a song. So they covered each one over with mud. And the lonesomeness in the sparks made them hunt for one another, but the mud is deaf and dumb. Like all the other tumbling mud-balls, Janie had tried to show her shine.”
We all try to shine. If we’re lucky, it happens every once in a while. I look for the joy in trying, and the companionship and camaraderie that comes with it.
I can definitely say it’s not just you. But I think that all of us who feel this way spend a lot of our time thinking that it’s just us that do. That’s one of the amazing things about this community you’ve fostered is that when you have a question like that, not only do you get great feedback on you not being the only one, so does everyone else who feels alone in their issue.
For me, I’d say 3-4 days would be a good month. On average, it’s more like 1-2 days a month. I have found that counting the little things, like the fact that your daughter is the best speller, is the only way to make it through each day. Who is anyone to judge your successes? If they feel good to you, count it. I have had days where the fact that I showered was a success. Instead of sarcastically saying, “Congrats, you put on clean clothes for once” celebrate the fact that you put on clean clothes for once! It did actually help me stop beating up on myself once I realized that if that’s all I can accomplish in one day, then be proud that I did it instead of wearing the same baggy yoga pants with questionable stains on them for 5 days in a row. It’s better than yesterday because I didn’t change then.
I am a big proponent of “fake it until you make it” because no one in my everyday professional life would ever suspect that I am anything but normal. They have no clue that it is a struggle for me to actually get up and drive work each day. That doing laundry is the biggest mountain to climb and that the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane each day is the fact that my dogs excited when I walk back in the door in the evening. But I put on the face and the (grudgingly) clean clothes and show up happyish because that’s what normal people do, right? I just pray that if I fake it for long enough, it’ll be true. But in all honesty, I am starting to think that work is a lost cause, is anyone happy to be there?
The fake it method has worked in other areas though, I faked confidence for a long time before I finally realized that I didn’t have to fake not being absolutely terrified to be around people other than my closest friends and family. I faked that I enjoyed cleaning up my house until it became routine enough that I actually do enjoy having a clean house. And I fake have written about 30 comments on various posts of yours until finally today I am doing it and actually clicking the submit button. So, there’s something to be said for that.
I wish I didn’t want to blame my parents, but I really wish they did a better job of preparing me for how shitty adulthood was going to be. I feel like no one talks about the unrealistic expectations, the level of responsibility, and just how hard it would be to be “happy”, whatever that means. At this point, happiness feels like something I chase and never quite catch. I just feel a little shafted. That being said, I’ve never tried to quantify the number of days a month that I feel good about things, other than that I see people (especially with kids) who struggle. A lot. And who drive themselves crazy comparing themselves to others. And chances are, those perfect-looking pastel people have other shitty things going on in their lives that just aren’t visible. And those people on Facebook and Pinterest? I know many of them that only talk about the good, picture-perfect stuff and leave out the unsavory bits. To answer your question, I totally don’t think you’re alone. And the fact that, despite whatever crap is going on, you still make the huge effort to spend time with your kid is an amazing feat. That’s a hell of a lot more than my parents did growing up, and I’m sure it makes a huge difference for Hailey. And think about how awesome it will be when she grows up and looks back on this and realizes how hard things are for you, and how much effort it took to do things like watch tv with her. You kick a lot of ass. I hope you can get to where you can see that a little better.
I’ve been having this dream lately where I’m 28 again. In the dream, I think “Phew. I’m young and still have so much time to do so much.” It genuinely feels like a relief. Until I wake ip and realize I’m 38. And my relief is quickly replaced by a feelings of severe disappointment with myself, my life, all I’ve missed…and I feel as if I’ve fallen into the darkest fucking hole anyone could imagine. Shame CONSUMES me, & I just pull the covers back over my head. I don’t want to look in the mirror. I don’t want anyone to see that I’m really just an empty shell…letting people down and/or waiting to be “found out.” The only time I actually feel good is when I close my eyes, think “autopilot” (doesnt always work, bit sometimes…), get my ass out of bed, get my iPod, turn on my favorite music and go OUTSIDE. For a walk, or just to sit and feel the sun on my face. See the 3-dimensional people; not just my usual companions: characters in books or on TV. Engage in the most benign conversations, maybe, but saying something that reminds me that I’m not alone or isolated or only the lousy, lazy person I feel in my home – especially in my bed. However… when I do walk back in my door, I feel that loneliness all over again. Sometimes more acutely, actually, because I’ve been out and have seen how the world is moving along without me, and how I long to be one of those people making it look so effortless. Cue the shame. Again. *Sigh*
Honestly Jenny, I’ve come to realize something I did not want to. I’ve been dealIng with depression…but especially anxiety…since I was a little girl. My mother’s MS is taking its most extreme toll on her now, 28 years in, and my father, well…I adore him but our relationship is distant, at best. He’s been fighting prostate cancer these last two years and my maternal grandfather died in a long, horrific way that will probably haunt me until the day I die. Mostly because he was my rock. And, like my Mom, my closest friend. Yeah – lots of grief. And there’s so much more. So I finally found a new doctor and I realized something: The anti-anxiety med I was prescribed 10 years ago, Klonopin (I was on Xanax/Buspar first) ten years ago seemed so great for me for some time, but I now can look back and see how I gradually shut down, mote & more, until the walls of my bedroom became all I knew. I’ve decided to do a taper VERY slowly with this doctor, and though I am TERRIFIED (!!!!), I’m already noticing a difference. I open the blinds in the morning, even WANT to go outside (without being forced. Wow.), and as scared as I am, I know, in my gut, bones, everything, that while this med may have helped for some time (I’m still on an anti-depressant & something for neuropathy, as my family has the craziest neurological/autoimmune issues any doc seems to have seen. Seriously- PBS should do a documentary on us or something), they aren’t working anymore. And as a life-long, had my first anxiety attack when I was 8 and always feeling as if I’d be utterly hopeless without those meds, I do not take this lightly. Not a chance. But I’ve found a doctor who actually cares and listens to me, & we’re doing this at a pace so slowly and at a pace I get to direct. And I can feel it working. So. I know this has been a huge eye-opener for me, and I know your story, love you, follow you here and on Twitter (thanks for following ME, btw :)), so I know how you feel about the meds. I just thought I’d throw this out to you as a suggestion because I want you HAPPY, just as I want myself. I can’t help but care (sometimes that’s the problem, of course. Like an emotional sponge, I am. Most of us with this are sensitive souls…). And I’ve been through so much with things like RA (didn’t have it, but docs thought I did. Turned out to be a bit of my late grandfather’s disease, which is difficult as well), so we have that in common. But I’m not a mom; found out after years of serious endometriosis that I can’t have children (heart = broken), but I have a 4-year-old nephew I adore (he partial to me, as well :)), bit I’ve missed SO much with him. Christmases, birthdays, and I HATE myself for that. I have a hard time driving – especially on crazy I-35 – so I just couldn’t go. I’ve let so many people I live down by missing out on holidays, etc, and THOSE are my worst days. But now, I actually went to a party the other night near Austin, & it was the first time I had done so in YEARS. All by myself. And that felt pretty damn liberating, gotta say. So, there you go. I also have my feline baby. Her name is Mia & she rules this place, bit I’m her world and that affection heals me so much more than it probably should. Still, LOVE. IT.
Okay. Didn’t mean to write you a book ( but thanks for yours; sometimes when I’m most down I read it, or catch your tweets on Twitter & it helps a ton. Not enough “Thank you”s for that), but I want to help as much as I can. What can I say? I over-share because I care. Please write should you ever read this (you only have a few of us reading your stuff, I know) & would like to chat. But mainly, just know: I’m here.
Also, just because I feel like a lot of commenters are going through these feelings of low self-worth on a daily basis, I wanted to leave this number in a comment: 1-800-SUICIDE
(There’s no weakness in using it, and you don’t have to be at the point where you’re pointing a gun at your own head to call.)
There are also a lot of really great resources here: http://twloha.com/find-help
Love and hugs to everyone out there in BloggessWorld!
A wise friend of mine once said, “We feel inadequate because we compare our insides with other people’s outsides.” This helped me a ton as a perennially inadequate parent! You can never measure up to what you THINK other people are like or what they do or how many school committees they are on.
Somewhere, someone is feeling inadequate because they are not like you. It’s true.
Girl, my honest to god advice is to make a list. Put ” get out of bed, ” ” brush teeth,” “poop,” “tell daughter how much she is loved,” …… and cross off as you go. Whatever doesn’t get crossed off add to tomorrow’s list. ( Put that on the list…” write tomorrow’s list”) I am deadly serious. See all you do, and know you have tomorrow to do what you didn’t get to today. This is what I have to do some days. It helps. All adults who spend time in their head feel totally inadequate. The bright shiny people are all fronting. Keep plodding, Sweets.
Are you what you do, or are you who you are?
My sweet hubby carries similar diagnoses, many meds and struggles. He IS the best person I’ve ever known. I know he would change things about himself if he could, but I don’t think I could love him more even if he did….
I don’t feel successful ANY days in the month. Maybe ONE DAY A YEAR i feel like i did something a normal person would do – like making a phone call to cancel a magazine subscription.
WHAT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL SUCCESSFUL ? Walking my dogs. just once. I love them dearly, but i can’t go outside and risk talking to strangers, or even the neighbors i know. I used to be a working engineer, Silicon Valley, aerospace. I Honest-to-God did work for/on the Space Shuttle, for Space Station Freedom (later the ISS), for things you have actually HEARD of. Felt like an imposter THEN.
I can’t even pull a resume together now– too much stress, too much judgement, too many people. What is normal ? Hell if I know. I am on anti-depressants, too. and Abilify to make them work better. Without them , i would be breaking down in tears over NOTHING – or, worse than nothing. Crying over lies that tv-evangelists tell. As if that shit was real, or meant something.
I wasn’t like this when i was a teenager, or in college, or as a working engineer; i was always shy, and that seemed to get worse, or stronger as i got older. Nothing makes me feel successful, but playing Craig Ferguson musical things with singing Muppets does make me smile, and sing along. Right now, that is the best it gets. and i am grateful that i have that. (Try “instanbul” from Youtube. at worst, it will make Hailey laugh.)
I think you are a success – because you are a good parent to Hailey. Honest.
Two things that might help you, a little. I learned more about being a good person from my inlaws, than from any of my extend real family. (as if there might be something in “Approach to life” that one learns from family. Maybe. The other useful thing is the FOUR FOLD WAY.
Show up.
Pay Attention
Tell the truth.
Be Open to outcome (but not dependent on it)
The more i can keep it in the front of my head, the better, and the more, i do.
My husband is a recovering alcoholic – 27 years in recovery. He things it is a good, successful day if he doesn’t drink. And he says it makes it a lot easier to have a bottom threshold – a marking place so that, no matter what else, he can see and say “This was a good day.”
3-4 days a month tops. I think its normal. Everyone feels this way. Some just hide it better I guess. Thanks for making the rest of us feel not so alone.
Just look at all of us out here. One bad thing I won’t feel today is alone.
You nailed it, my friend. I feel just like you do almost all the time. I feel like I’ve mostly grown out of the “imposter” thing, and I probably feel successful 4-6 times a month, but that’s because I have no kids and a job that’s way too easy, so it doesn’t really challenge me (I don’t have to pretend I’m more intelligent/put together/sophisticated than I feel.) Part of this comes with age, too, I think.
This was an awesome post, and I wish I had read something like this long ago, so I could have felt less alone, too.
I’m a huge fan of you, successful or not, perfect or not, crazy or not; I like you just as you are.
Fake it ’til you make it.
i spend every day waiting for someone to notice that even at this level of my career (heading an entire production team, having the reputation of taking no bullshit, being a bit of a benevolent hardass), i’m a fraud .
Doesn’t matter what my review says, what my team compliments me on, what my friends say, everyday, i’m waiting for someone to call me on it.
it’s exhausting.
You are not alone. Most days I feel like a hamster on a busy wheel, going non-stop, exhausted and not going anywhere. I do not have any diagnosed mental illness, I have a nice little life with a good job, great family, etc. I think your feelings are quite normal for the average person. The term “daily grind” comes to mind. As the mother of a 16 year old, I’d say you are winning every day your daughter wants to spend quality time with you. The older I’ve gotten I’ve learned that life is more about being with the ones you love and less about career success, joining community groups, etc. Keep on moving forward, you have lots of supporters cheering you on!!
one day.
If I get one good fucking day in? I consider the month a success.
The other 27-30? They’re just practice. Or do-overs. Either way.
As a rapidly fraying, single mother of three with a sad little social life and a tendency to feed my feelings of shame and inadequacy, I go to bed every night sure that I have failed in every way possible. Happily, I’m fairly certain most people feel this way and just play it off better in public than I do.
You’re not alone, babe. None of us are (see also the interwoven themes of such great movies as Fern Gully and, more recently, Epic. Which, honestly in my head? IS just a better done remake. But whatever)
I loved this post. And I love that you are the second blogger/cool person I follow that has commented on this hysteria in our culture, just this very week! (Here’s the other blog on it: http://www.thedailytay.com/2013/09/winning-game-of-comparison.html).
Before I put my two cents in, let me just say, my god there are a lot of comments on this post. Do you really read all of these? I hope you do. Your community obviously cares a lot about you.
Okay, getting to the point.
I haven’t read all of the comments posted, but I suspect I’m in the minority when I say that I have a lot of good days…but I’d like to preface that with “I have SUPER low expectations of what my life should be”. To me, it’s all about perspective. It’s obvious from your post that this is something you really struggle with, and I really do hope you find solace and get the affirmation you need that you truly are a wonderful person, and there is no set way of living your life that someone behind a curtain has decided is the one and only way to live. Unless you’re catholic. Catholics do believe that, I guess (this coming from a former catholic). But I digress.
I’d also like to add, I don’t have depression or anxiety issues and I count myself very fortunate because I’ve seen this afflict so many other people and I really wish this was something I could just magically help any of those people with. But as you’ve discussed in your book, in your column – there’s no magic pill, no matter how much anyone tries to make it better. And it sounds like you’ve got a manageable path in life figured out – maybe it’s just a path that takes you from today until tomorrow, or even this hour to the next hour. But you know the steps to take to keep pushing forward, and I really admire that. I really do.
So to be completely honest, I wish everyone could have as many happy days as I have. But the only way that’s going to happen is if everyone starts adjusting their own perspective…or hell, taking action if you’re up for it (most of the time, I’m not, if we’re being honest). But, I wish people could stop looking over their shoulder to see what their perfect neighbor is doing in their perfect yard. I wish we could all just admit that Pinterest is a soul sucker…even if you did find a REALLY good recipe for sweet potato fries. But at the cost of what? Seeing all the super cool things your friends are doing that you’re not. And then seeing them put together ridiculous parties for their kids that you couldn’t fathom in a million years? And I say pinterest here, but it’s everything. It’s the picture-perfect everything on instagram, it’s the overly perfect, “Hey I just ran my best 5 miles and I’m letting you all know so that you can feel jealous of my success” on facebook. It’s the job accomplishments that you’re constantly reminded of on LinkedIn, it’s the number of followers on Twitter. It’s LITERALLY everything on the internet. Maybe not buzzfeed. But I wouldn’t put it past them, either.
Do you think any of this is going to go away? I really don’t. So how I approach all of this (and believe me, it’s a work in progress) is to just reassure myself that things are NEVER what they seem. Is it bad that I’m not a foodie like my friends and yes, my one-year-old eats macoroni and cheese? Nope. Not in my book. That kid LOVES mac and cheese. Is it bad that I work a full-time job and have to put him in daycare 5 days a week? Nope. Not in my book. Daycare and kids in general are way more entertaining than if he were to spend all his time with me. And it makes the time we have together way more special.
So my general overall point (if you’re still reading this far, which, I’m just gonna assume you’re not…which is totally cool!) – is that this life is whatever you make it. Hmmm. That’s too big. Let’s try again – Watching Little house on the prairie under the covers is something you should be very proud of. It’s quality time with your daughter. Even ATTEMPTING a second book is amazing. If you didn’t write one single thing more, I would still think the world of you for what you provided so far. Not being a PTA mom? Well that just sounds awful in my book. Kudos to you for NOT being a PTA mom.
Whatever you’re doing. It’s working. Whether or not you’re “faking it” I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t matter to me. Because if this is faking it, then keep faking it. I’ll never know the difference.
Filth gets me down, and I have a lot of it in my house.
Cleaning, though I loathe it, helps. Especially floors, counters, and toilets. Dust can fuck off. I don’t care about dust. Just a handy way to leave notes for other household members: “Need milk, eggs, and cupcakes. Please stop on your way home later.”
I am currently unemployed and I feel like each day is just running into the next. I can’t even tell you the last time I felt like I accomplished something… probably the crossword that I finished last week (I cheated too). Over the last few years I have started to struggle with anxiety. I don’t take any medication because I am afraid of it. I haven’t even told my doctor about it. It is certainly a roller coaster ride and it has been getting worse. So you add unemployment and anxiety and I just feel like I’m folding in on myself watching everything go by. The days are just a blur. I appreciate that you talk about your issues, it makes me feel no as broken if that makes sense. It’s nice to be able to look up to someone who is human. I don’t feel successful at all and I don’t think I will till I have a job because it is just something that is held high in my household. It’s never easy.
I think the reason your blog is so popular, why your book is a best seller, is because people can relate to you. So many of us suffer from depression and anxiety. We feel like we are barely holding our heads above water. We feel like we are failures at being parents, spouses, co-workers. You help us to remember that we are not alone, and depression lies. Maybe by reading all the comments here, you will remember it too.
I feel successful – really, properly successful… probably a couple of times a week. Which is a lot for me. I have depression and anxiety disorder, and it used to be a lot worse, but I still struggle with an overshadowing sense of worthlessness. What helped me a lot was realising that other people feel the same way. That everyone, no matter what they are doing and how much they rock at life, feel like they are not doing enough, in some area of their lives. This helped me because it made me able to relax more. If everyone thinks they are not good enough, surely, most of us must me? Concluding that (and stubbornly holding on to it in the face of everything) has allowed me to adjust my sense of success. To be successful, I don’t need to both manage my studies and my friends and my family and my creative projects and all the other things that are important to me. My basic goal is to do one of those things each day. If I go to a family birthday and I manage to be attentive and sociable for most of the time, then I don’t have to call my friend or the bank. If I call the bank, then I don’t have to read all the texts for tomorrow’s class. Because doing just one of those things drain me. So doing one is my minimum. Doing two makes me feel incredibly successful. And you know? I think that’s okay.
I believe most people fake it, or, rather, feel like fakes… even the happy shiny perfectly clean organized house bake cookies every week cook a four course meal every night PTA moms.
The fact that you are feeling so unhappy tells me that you either need to figure out how to be more productive (in your own mind, I personally have many days where if I make it to the bank or post office it goes in the win column) or figure out how to get ok with what you do get done. AND, yes, you may need your meds tweeked (not twerked, lol) A feeling of dissatisfaction with my life usually means I need a tweak. I am somewhere on the mood disorder spectrum, and it is a delicate balancing act. Tomorrow will be better. Tell your therapist how you are feeling, if you haven’t already. Tell your p-doc as well.
Well, I guess it’s pretty obvious that most people feel inadequate – or like everyone else is doing it better somehow. I’m not particularly thrilled with the way I lead my life (introverted, avoiding people), but I wouldn’t want someone else’s. It just seems too tiring.
Anyway, I have moments where I feel like I’m doing some good, but they probably don’t add up to days. That’s OK with me – I’m pretty good at stepping back and realizing how good I do have it. And while I could do more, well, I could also do a lot less, and so I think I’m pretty good exactly where I am.
At least you feel like you are doing the basics of existing. I mess up with those too, sometimes. Beyond the fact of me living bad times right now, and my constant apparent incapacity to actually decide(so most of the time is just me stuck in a place thinking about me being stuck in a place while wanting to do everything at once, but feeling it would be a waste of time because i’m either not that good anymore, or never even was.) beyond that, I seriously wonder how I’m going to survive at all.
I’m usually pretty amazed I made it this far, but then again, it was probably out of luck and help.
I think partially it’s you(I probably have mental illness too(or used to have depression/anxiety/insomnia/whatever, but I fucking hate to waste my time with doctors and paperwork), and partially, is a common thing. We are all pretty lost after all, in a misinformated world where a lot of shit is beyond our control, trying to figure ourselves out from the fucked up education we had, given by people which was also quite lost. Also, for the sake of implying a bit of zen here, our culture and personality (creative people and shiat) implies the NEED to accomplish something all the time, when just existing, truly existing and living the moment, should be enough. If you manage to remember it, it kind of makes you feel better. But then you feel bad for losing your time contemplating life. Which is probably fucked up.
My life is far from perfect even without disorders, depression or anxiety. I tend to forget to vacuum fit weeks and end up looking like a Yeti from the dog hair. Sometimes I blow off paying bills. a d i tend sequester myself away from friends because I just want to live in peace and quiet several times per month. And at least once a week, I give myself the “get your shit together for god’s sake, you’re over 45 yrs old!” talk.
I feel like a failure all the time, for the most ridiculous reasons. The other day, my husband asked me not to put so much lettuce on his sandwich and it crushed me, like I can’t even complete a simple task like making his lunch. I also rely way too much on what others think/say for my self worth. I can remember an insult from Kindergarten that still runs a loop through my head sometimes (I’m 51 for crying out loud!)
As an artist, my livelihood depends on other people liking my art, but I am tempted to give things away or reduce the price because I’m so happy somebody is validating me by liking something I’ve made. I turn completely Sally Field “You like me, you really, really like me.”
When I find myself running a negative loop or indulging in other sabotaging behavior, I try to take myself out of it in the silliest way possible. I find the song 500 Miles by the Proclaimers especially helpful. Have you seen the video with David Tennant and other Doctor Who cast and crew singing it?
Also, wine helps, because I don’t take myself too seriously after a glass of wine and I certainly don’t take THEM seriously (whoever THEY are at the moment).
Well of course it’s not just you. Lots of people with depression and anxiety feel that way. But, I can tell you, as someone who does not have depression or anxiety, why I do NOT feel that way.
I’m not sure if it’s helpful or not, but I hope it is. I don’t feel unsuccessful because I don’t measure myself against other people. I ESPECIALLY don’t measure myself against the Facebook or Pinterest version of other people – that’s their highlight real – not their everyday mundane existence. Why would you worry about owning a picnic basket and cloth napkins when that shitty promotional Suntrust cooler someone left at your house one time would be so much more practical? And cloth napkins just mean more laundry, so fuck that. I run out of toilet paper all the time, who cares? Use kleenex for a day.
I feel like I kick ass most of the time. Not because I am reaching any goals or receiving awards or kicking any actual asses. Just because I’m content with my life and who I am. Sure, there are days that I feel guilty about all the dog fur tumbleweeds around the baseboards of my house or the fact that I haven’t sent a thank you note to my family for the baby gifts they have sent, but you know, I’ll get to that stuff eventually. I still think I kick ass. I kick ass BECAUSE I know that the beautiful layered rainbow cake on Pinterest is just not my thing. I don’t even like cake. I like hiking. I’m gonna do that this weekend, so that makes me happy. I’m gonna do something I like, so that kicks ass, right? Should I be cleaning the house for the out of town houseguests that are coming next week? Yeah, probably, but whatever. I’ll get to it. I’m not a bad person for having a little mildew in the shower. Do I feel guilty about making my houseguests shower with slightly stained caulk? Yes, but I know they still love me. It’s not that big of a deal. The PTA people with the perfect hair and perfect outfits have their own shit too. They might be wearing dirty underwear or they might be cheating on their spouses OR they might be really nice and really happy and kick ass every day. But who cares? It’s not your problem. They are not you so it’s irrelevant.
You don’t have to kick ass every day. You can kick ass some days and hibernate on your couch some days if that’s what you feel like doing. The important thing is that you can’t measure yourself against anyone but yourself. There are thousands (maybe even millions) of people that know for a fact that you kick ass too. You should listen to them. You kick ass just for being you.
In my experience, how you’re feeling is totally normal . . . and the people with the pretty shiny life and all the pastels are the exception, not the rule. Heck, I’ve met a couple of them and they’re much more fucked up than I am! (and the shininess is just a facade anyway)
If I manage to get my work deadlines done before everyone’s pissed off at me, get the bills paid before they affect my credit score, and wash things before they walk away on their own to find the hose it’s success.
Shoot, I felt GREAT yesterday for accomplishing HALF of the things that were still left over from Tuesday’s must-do list (and now I need to get back to the remaining thing from that list . . . which was actually due last week).
I often feel like I’m one “fail” away from truly causing some type of disaster. And I certainly don’t feel like I’m keeping up with everything I should be. Shoot, I started doing a yearly reflection thing (10Q website) and it just came back up this year . . . and I got all pissed off because my answers are the same 3 years in a row (to questions about yearly goals) — I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing! Even though on the outside it may seem like everything is fine, on the inside it seems like I’m never quite getting done what I set out to do.
Now that over 1000 people have commented you know you’re not alone! You also know that depression is a big fat f**king liar.
I feel like I’ve won at parenting (I have two step sons over 18 and two kids 8 & 5) about 25% of the time. I don’t like picnics either … bugs, hard ground, sore a**. My kids’ faces are usually dirty (despite the fact I continually harp on them to wash their hands and faces after a meal). My daughter’s hair usually looks like she’s homeless, even when it was just brushed 5 minutes ago. Our house looks like a clutter bomb went off in it. I would rather go to the dentist than have to sit through a PTA meeting. And my family calls me the “normal” one. Screw normal, I’ll meet up with you in the bathroom.
I don’t post super often on here, but I read your blog fanatically. I’d like to assure you that you are definitely not alone, and I think that I can speak for a lot of my friends, and not just myself. My to do list is never all crossed off. I feel like a successful adult maybe one hour a month, and I usually wind up rewarding myself for that accomplishment by doing something financially or health-wise irresponsible, thereby negating my efforts.
So don’t worry too much about it. Or worry, if you must, but know that there are bunches and tons of us out here worrying in solidarity about our own lack of ability to get anything done.
Sometimes I only feel accomplished if I wait until the last minute to finish my homework for my semester each week. I’ve been told recently that I’m a bit selfish because I find it hard to keep up with my friends and hang out with them, as well as that I tend to dwell on the negative and bring the room down. Things i wasn’t aware of. It just sucks when your boyfriend has to tell you you’re a buzz-kill sometimes. I was seeing a therapist, but couldn’t afford to keep going so I lied and said I didn’t need it anymore.
How often do I feel successful? I have no idea, honestly. Not when the bad days get so overwhelming that it gets hard to remember what the good day feels like. Most days, I feel like a complete and utter failure.
I graduated from college three years ago with an associate’s degree and I hold a license as a registered respiratory therapist – and I’ve been told over and over, by countless potential employers, that they won’t hire therapists without experience, and they don’t have the time to train me. Yet, my classmates, who had the same amount of experience as me when we graduated, got the jobs they wanted and have actual careers. And I’m working part-time at Wal-Mart, crappy pay and even crappier shifts, after six months of unemployment when my last part-time job (the one that put me through school) ended unexpectedly. People I went to school with, worked with, grew up with are having babies and getting married, and I’m still living at home with my parents because I can’t afford anything else, and I’ve never even held hands with another person, let alone anything more intimate. And I’m scared to death, because I feel like nothing I’ve ever done with my life matters, that I’m worthless. And nearly every day, there’s a little voice in the back of my head that tells me how useless am I, and how I’ll never amount to anything, and I feel like I can’t tell anyone because they’ll just tell me that it’s all in my head, and I just need to get over it. Or worse, they’ll confirm that I really am that useless.
I’m struggling with this about on the same level. To specifically answer your questions:
– I have about 1 good day per week, so we’ll say about 4 days per month.
– Usually my good days are followed by really low, bad days.
– The thing that makes me feel the worst is realizing that I do not fit in at most places that I go. I’m ALWAYS the weird person in the group.
-I am a full time grad student and work full time in a professional environment. I literally have to excuse myself, usually about 2-3 times a day because of anxiety or because I’m really irritable or sad.
– I have found a couple of things that I do that consistently help me crawl out of my hole & they are:
-Working out. I prefer CrossFit in particular.
-When my husband is on shift at the firehouse I do whatever I want. Usually that involves not exiting the bed. But who cares? Typically I don’t bathe or venture out of the house until I know he is going to be home to gripe at me for not doing the dishes or taking care of the house.
– I drink. I know this is not considered the best advice, but seriously, sometimes you just need a drink. I’m not on any kind of medication & I know this is considered self-medicating, but humans have been doing it for centuries. I never have more than 2-3, but it makes me feel generally less shitty and helps with the constant pressure that I feel and a little of the anxiety. Maybe like Raj.
Usually, probably 10-15 days every month I feel pretty good. I have no current mental illnesses that I know of. I’m sure that your number is affected by your mental illnesses. My number might be higher than that but I am so miserable and stressed out these last couple of months it’s hard to remember. Most of my feeling like shit about myself right now is centered around what a crappy mom I feel like I’m being, and how my children deserve better, and how cranky and bitchy I am to my husband these days, and what a goddamnfuckingiamnot kiddingit’shorrible disaster of a house my is right now. And I’m not doing too great at my job either. I know I just said I’m not currently ill, but am aware that I might be. I’ve felt depression before, and I have counter measures I employ when I feel it creeping up on me, and I plan to use them in case this anxiety and crankiness is just depression taking on a different disguise.
I love facebook but I haven’t wanted to post lately because I don’t want to pretend everything is great when really I’m standing at the kitchen counter trying to see through my tears to make myself a quick, late dinner while my daughter is moaning herself to sleep in the next room (mommy doesn’t love me, mommy doesn’t love me….), and I don’t want to get on and beg for sympathy from my friends. I’d like to be honest without being a downer but that’s a hard line to find when you’re not functioning well.
I’m just sharing because you asked, and because I’m so grateful you shared, and I wanted you to know I never once imagined your life as shiny and pastel and even if you don’t share every non-perfect detail about yourself, you are NOT an imposter. I won’t compliment you because, well, you know. But I love you Jenny, and I know a lot more about depression and mental illness than I did 10 years ago, and a lot of that is because of you, and that’s not a compliment, it’s just a truth.
I wish I had any useful advice for you, but I’m sure your awesome commenters will have some great stuff. This is all I have. My hair was so disgusting this week from dirt, oil, chlorine, general yuuuuck, and I was at work hoping to avoid a live person, then got convinced to go out to a nice lunch, so I sprayed this horrid dry shampoo on it and the stench was so completely overpowering I could barely smell my delicious syrah. But I drank it anyway and then I didn’t care.
Oh, Jenny. *jeidi hugs*
Depression lies. I’m lucky if I feel like I kicked ass 4 days. Usually, it feels like I kind of flail through the weeks. I mark days by when the next Face Off episode airs.
Thing is, I know rationally that it’s not true, but mental illness and physical disabilities combine to make it feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Thing is, you are successful. Writers block or not, you just whipped out a page of text. Sure, it was all about how you think you suck, but that’s the way jerk-brain works.
Don’t listen to your jerk brain. Listen to the fact that you’ve got an awesome daughter (who can spell!) and a husband who loves you. Let them and us believe it for you, until you can believe it. Thousands of fans can’t be wrong!
Other than the fact that I just had to scroll down the page for five hours to find a place to leave this comment, I am grateful you exist. I probably wouldn’t enjoy hanging out with you very often in real life, but you are the #1 blogger who makes me laugh. That is a gift. A gift for which I have returned nothing to you.
To answer your question, I think 3-4 days a month of feeling like I really accomplished something sounds about right here as well. I have exponentially more ideas than accomplishments. This, I realize, is part of who I am. I am an idea person. I come up with ideas that other people could REALLY execute if they had the inspiration.
I have always felt like I wasn’t given the handbook that explained what I’m supposed to do, how I’m supposed to feel, what I’m supposed to want, and who I’m supposed to be. I watch everyone else seem like they have it together, as though they all went to the pre-human meeting where the game plans were mapped out and assignments were given.
What do I do to handle it all? I give myself a LOT of grace, first. Then I set really small goals in the areas that are difficult for me. They might seem childish to everyone including my wife, but they’re not me and not facing the same challenges I face. I want to make myself proud and be encouraged enough to keep moving forward. And in the areas where I have excellent theoretical knowledge but weak in the experiential department, I challenge myself to step out and do something I’ve never done, with a built-in expectation that some of what I do is going to go wonky. I won’t get it right. But instead of looking at mistakes as failures, I am learning to view mistakes as feedback.
Like the Thomas Edison and the light bulb, I don’t have to look at mistakes as 100 reasons why I suck, I see them as 100 ways something won’t work, which means I’m getting closer to success by the process of elimination.
That’s it in a far-too-oversimplified nutshell.
I used to feel like this. I don’t anymore. Maybe that will be a bit of hope for some people who read this?? Don’t get me wrong, I still have bad times that will last weeks to months where I don’t feel I can justify my existence on this planet and it’s a struggle to stay alive, much less get out of bed; depression and anxiety are a trigger happy bitch. But … I will say, a lot of this sounds like mental illness to me. It’s a LOT easier to feel better about yourself when you’re not crippled by anxiety and shame (over things that are true of everyone!) I feel good most days…I feel successful that I’m alive. I have food, shelter, and people who love me. What else matters? Any other form of “success” is a mirage, a trick, a measurable goal that slides till it is always just out of reach…
I wish I had a better answer for how I got out of feeling like that all the time, but really, I think I escaped some sort of mental trap when my dad died, and I really really (as cliche as it sounds) came to believe that life was too short to worry about the BS. There’s something about that kind of loss that can boil life down to what really matters. I embraced the idea that there is no train that I somehow missed, no timeline that I’m not keeping up with. I can get to it when I get to it, or not at all. When I start to sweat it, I remind myself of just how short life can be and ask myself what’s really important, what would make me feel good in THIS moment. If it’s ice cream. I go for ice cream. If it’s clean up the clutter that I’m getting frustrated tripping over, then I might do that with dance music blaring and a glass of wine in hand.
So… I do what makes me feel good. I enjoy the moment. I sleep late and drink coffee on the porch for half an hour before work rather than spend a half hour on pristine hair and makeup. I cling to the genuine friends. I delight in sunsets and refuse to feel guilty for watching them rather than doing A, B, C on my to-do list. I know physical exertion is important to my mental health, but I “play” (biking, hiking, walking my dog…) rather than “exercise”. There are dishes licked clean by my dog and dirty laundry lying all over my house. If I have company, I’ll shove it under stuff and in closets and hope no one goes digging. And if they do: “Those who matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter.” (Thank you, Dr Seuss.)
“I can’t help but think that if people looked closer they’d see the cracks and the dirt and shame of a million projects that never get done.”
My mom looks like one of those shiny, perfect people. Her house is ALWAYS spotless. She always finishes her projects. She bakes and sews and makes big elaborate meals. But I happen to know her garage looks like a hoarder’s. That she’s scared of water and heights and her siblings aren’t on speaking terms and she’s battled depression her whole life… Despite looking like one of the perfect, happy people, for much of her life, she was among the most miserable and struggling. Now that she’s retired, she regrets that she spent so many weekends cleaning and putting on the perfect front, rather than letting go and enjoying life. Forget being successful or perfect. Worrying about perfection makes you less successful at being human, not more.
We all have cracks and dirt. You can spend your time and energy hiding them, putting on that front… or you can spend your time and energy on the things that really make your life better … surely that time with your daughter on the couch is infinitely more important than being on the PTA or unpacking that box of stuff you haven’t needed in years.
oh jenny, do i get it.
“i’m such a big fuckup, what’s the point of getting out of bed, no one will even notice because i don’t make a difference anyway” days have been plentiful, even when things are amazing from the outside.
here’s where i insert celebration, choose what success looks like for me and backing up that shit with stone-cold logic. “you are spending the morning painting because you have a show next month, and not because you are a lazy dilettante who will do anything to get away from ‘real’ work. this is fun, this is important. you like this. now have another coffee.”
loving that you asked this question.
Funny, I just read this today!
I started following you because your straight forward posts.
Read this, it’s pretty good. Might or not help.
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
You’re not alone. I’m lucky if I have 3 days a month where I don’t feel like a complete failure. I stopped using Facebook because I simply could not stand to see everyone’s perfect children, husbands, houses, jobs, blah, blah, blah for even one more second. I read your blog because you get it. My husband and my daughter don’t understand that some days, just the act of getting out bed is a victory. But you do and that makes me feel just a little less crazy. So know that you are not alone. We are all out here – checking your blog everyday – not just for the laughs – but also for the truth that we are not alone in feeling this way.
To be fair, I feel successful for about 30 minutes every couple of days. And it is never feeling successful about life but about having something funny to post on Facebook, or not running out of juice boxes for my kids, or even just being able to use the bathroom before my bladder threatens to collapse (b/c I totally don’t pay attention to that shit). I have PTSD and a wonderful therapist that helps me with the depression and anxiety that stems from it. I am on meds so I can shield my children’s perception of their own childhood instead of subjecting them to my madness unprotected.
I hate all the shiny, beautiful people that can whip out gluten free cupcakes, pack a wrinkle-free carry on, and work out without smearing their make-up. Because in my mind, the beautiful people have the successful career/family/home/life and I’m lucky when I can find jeans at the Salvation Army that fit without gross intervention.
I’m suicidal at least one week every month. My house is rarely clean. My kids refuse to eat anything except PB&J and it’s hard to not take it personally. And my career is a shambles from the economic downturn in 2008.
But…if you did come to my house, you might notice the 2 colleges degrees and professional certification I’ve earned. You’d see my kids running around and laughing. You’d meet my Beefcake. So I try to see my life as if I’d never met me. When I do this I can see that with all of my failures at some point I did something right.
And when that doesn’t work I stop writing To Do lists and stare writing Have Done lists.
I understand, I really do. I only feel I qualify as a successful human being a few times a month. But you know what? So what, in spades. You’re you, I’m me, et cetera et cetera et cetera, and we’re all the best people we can be at any given time. So long as you’re trying to be a better person, that’s what really counts and all the rest is just glue and glitter.
Hang in there. *thumbs up*
I swear you just stole the thoughts right out of my brain. I would say I feel truly successful maybe 1-2 days a month (in a good month) and the rest of the time I feel like I really only exist. It doesn’t matter what I accomplish, it never feels like I’ve done a damn thing. I don’t know if it’s normal or if it’s mental illness. Guess I’ll have to talk to the psychiatrist about it next time…
Compliments: No thank you. I think they’re pointless and untrue. Acknowledge that I did a good job but don’t gush.
As for feelings of success, i don’t think of it in terms of days. I think of it as moments. When I place an IV catheter in a 5 pound cat with shitty veins who is on death’s door, I feel successful. When I manage to muster the energy and/or willpower to do a proper clean (rather than a tidy up) of the house, I feel successful.
I have undiagnosed mental illness(es) because I can’t be bothered to get help. I would like to know what exactly is “wrong” with me but it would involve putting in some kind of effort. It doesn’t help that I don’t want to talk about myself. I don’t open up to people about my deep, dark, gooey center, just about the superficial me. I can’t even talk to my husband about me. He just knows that, in general, I have issues and he tries to support me.
Add to this my introversion and social anxiety and you have a barrel of fun.
So short answer; no. It is not just you.
You could not have posted this any more timely for me. I have been sitting in my bed ever since I woke up today, feeling useless because I am too damn tired to get up and do anything. Yesterday was different. I woke up early! I went out of the house and had lunch with a friend! I went to work (I have my own law practice that I share with my dad, so I can work from home and make my own hours, which is a life-saver)! I visited my family! I exercised and even straightened up the house a bit! Yesterday I was a successful person. Today I am nothing.
I also struggle with anxiety, and I have hypothyroidism that leaves me sleeping up to 17 hours a day at its worst. I think I need my medicine adjusted, actually, but my doctor disagrees. So I struggle with my sleeping patterns and energy level and sometimes it just sucks. I don’t really know what to do about it. And it’s so frustrating because I have those good days like yesterday and I think, maybe this is it! Maybe I’m finally becoming an adult who handles her shit. And then I have to take like 3 or 4 days to recover from it.
I wish I had some advice. But I at least can assure you that you are not alone.
You. Are. Not. Alone.
and you bring together all of us that feel like we are alone… so we are all not alone together…
I’m not sure if I ever go to bed feeling like I’ve accomplished something.
Usually if I manage to take a shower that day, I feel like I’ve done something. Until I remember how often everyone else showers….
You are definitely not alone.
I feel like that sometimes but I think my dominant personality trait is laziness so when I feel like I have failed to do anything meaningful or even productive in any given time frame (day, week, minute, hour, year) I realize I just don’t have the energy to care and I will do something to prove my worth on the planet later. I don’t have anyone to answer to in terms of how I feel about what I’m doing other than me. Basically if I’m happy with what I’m doing/what I’ve done then I’m good with it and sleep well. If I’m not happy with what I’m doing/what I’ve done I figure out how to change it.
I don’t have anxiety issues, and I’m not depressed, and I still feel this way. I, too, am working on my second book and wonder when the authenticity police are going to show up at my front door and take me away. I love what your previous readers have written, and I don’t have much more to add. Other than the good days–the ones when I think I’m getting things done–happen when I force myself to do more. But also, I’m a list maker. I love to cross shit off. Even if I’ve already accomplished a task I add it to the list just so I can cross it off (hey look! I woke up this morning and got out of bed, so I can go on ahead and cross that off my list!).
My problem lately is that I do or say or email something, and then for whatever reason, completely overthink it. I start to feel slightly off, knowing that I could have said or done better and knowing that I completely embarrassed myself in front of people I’m trying to befriend or have to work with again the next day. I think about it more and more until the discomfort in my awkwardness becomes almost a physical pain. I feel abject loathing and want to just be unconscious for a while so that I don’t have to deal with it. I abandon potential friends so that I don’t have to face my awkwardness (and its repercussions, whether the awkward exists or not).
My solution (which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t): Remembering you. Remembering all of the other commenters here who are going through the same thing. Remembering that this represents a tiny fraction of the human beings in the rest of the world who feel awkward and broken and inappropriately assembled.
I feel less alone and more real, more average. And for that brief time, being more average is actually a comfort to me.
If I was completely honest with myself about how often I felt productive or good at life, it would probably be less than a whole day each month. I feel proud about some things but, like you say, they are usually overshadowed by other things so I don’t feel good about them. Basically, every day foe the past few years – whether it’s a good day or a bad day – I don’t feel good about what I’m doing. Probably because of my unhappiness with certain aspects of my life, which I should not allow to get in the way, but I do. Focusing on spending time with my husband and seeing friends helps a bit, but not enough. I still feel like I should be more, do more than just survive. I’m not thriving and I want to be but it just doesn’t sen possible. I have no answers for you other than you’re definitely not alone. I completely understand this whole feeling and am right there with you!
Wow, I am thinking that you hit a cord with a lot of your readers. I personally don’t suffer from depression or general anxiety, although I do get occasional anxiety. I have, however, been going through a really, really hard couple of years due to a private family crisis. I think that everyone feels that they are a fraud (even the pastel people)…we are all so completely different inside than what we project to everyone else. I think that perhaps because of your depression and/or anxiety, your feelings are amplified in a way that can be crippling at times.
I definitely have lots of nights that I can’t get the squirrel to stop running in the wheel in my brain, and I overwhelm myself on a daily basis with the list of things To Do, that rarely get accomplished. I know that I do this to myself and that to everyone else, I come across as being motivated, determined, organized and basically all together. Inside, especially in the heart area, I am not, at all. Sometimes it hurts to breathe even.
I find that exercise and checking at least one thing off the list each day is how I am able to settle with myself at the end of the day. If I manage to get more than one thing checked off, I feel very accomplished, but the goal each day it to just get one thing done. I know that when I am feeling better about my body and my physical shape, my outlook on everything else is better…but this is just what I have found out about me, it isn’t what is going to be a “fix” for anyone else.
I’m just going to plunge right in without reading all the other posts, so maybe what I say will have already been said a million times. I go through this, too. It’s hard for me to see anything in my life to look forward to. I’ve raised children, done well at jobs, and manage to keep my house intact, but out of the blue I get anxiety attacks that paralyze me. Things that have helped me: 1. ACTION. Getting physically active – like mopping a floor or taking a long walk or doing some yoga or exercises, or washing a window or SOMETHING that will get me physically moving. 2. Calling or texting and venting to a friend who makes me laugh. 3. Aromatherapy — smelling something that is calming — for me it’s green tea oil, for you it may be something else. 4. Energetic music to get moving to. 5. Reading books about women who struggled in another time period — I especially like books about women on the home front during WWII. Their stories make me grateful. 6. Celebrating ANYTHING I have accomplished that day. Instead of focusing on what I didn’t get done on my never-ending list, celebrate whatever I did accomplish: Making the bed. Unloading the dishwasher. Cleaning the cat box. The fact that I got up and got dressed and did something at least proves I’m functioning. 7. Daily rituals. Every day, get up, wash, brush your teeth, and put on some clothes that are clean and sort of nice. Put on some make-up. Put on shoes. This is a huge accomplishment, and if you do it every day without fail, you are at least presentable and ready to go out the door if necessary. Then, wash your dishes and make your bed. Having a clean sink and a made bed provide little oases of calm in the house. If you have Daily Rituals that you do No Matter What, sometimes that propels you to keep going. Another thing that helps me is to just stop thinking so damn much. I think about my grandparents. They didn’t ask themselves all the damn time, “Am I happy?” No, they did not. They just Got On With It. One foot in front of another and one chore at a time. Books that have helped me enormously are those by David K. Reynolds. Start with Constructive Living. He advocates accepting your feelings, but doing something anyway. Accept that you are terrified of flying, but get on the damn plane anyway. Accept that right this minute you are feeling anxious, but wash the dishes because they are dirty. Know that you will not be anxious every second of the day, just from time to time. My heart goes out to you, because I know how this feels. I hope some of these suggestions help you. Or maybe someone else reading them. They help me all the time, to get from one hour to the next. Love you.
I have lost count of the times where I’ve felt that same way. Where I’ll stare at the ceiling and think “I haven’t done shit to improve anything or anyone” and I want to leave my eyes open until they turn into dried up potato chips.
Because of our depression/disorders/mental twistedness, it’s harder to describe them accurately to others, but you do a magical job of finding words or making them up as needed. It’s truly beautiful to read something that you’ve written that comes the closest to how I’ve felt and how I might feel later.
Sometimes the days feel endless and I feel like a cog in a machine that does nothing but destroy. Other days I can twist that into a feeling of challenging the norm or changing the world. It helps to think of myself as 90% water, instead of what science tells me.
If I think of myself as “fluid” I can remember that the feelings of useless and failure will eventually dissipate and get cleaned out of me. Like, the depression valleys are a big poop. Eventually, you have to flush it! It doesn’t stay inside you forever and if it does, they have surgeries for that.
I’ve never met you, and I love you Jenny. You make me larf, you make me snurk my beverages, you make me sob with solidarity and you make me feel like a kindred. For that I thank you, with my whole twisted and bananas soul.
xoxo
Yup – I feel the same way, ALL the TIME. And just a glance at the comments and I think you and I can see we are not alone. I mostly wonder if this “imposter” feeling/emotion is linked to our media driven society. I’m pretty convinced it does. Staying up-to-snuff is difficult when we compare ourselves to the greatness our minds perceive rather than what really is. I mean, of course brilliant writers, amazing speakers, and celebrities will deal with similar issues. I’ll bet plenty of them have neglected their laundry for weeks. I bet they stopped writing and reading for periods of time and sat on the couch eating handfuls of Cheetos out of their left hand and Nestle Chocolate Chips from their right hand until they depleted each respective bag. And I’ll bet they only feel like super stars 3-4 days a month.
It isn’t just you. It’s all of us. So can we agree to stop being so damn hard on ourselves?
It’s not just you.
In April of 2011, I was laid off from a job I loved doing, and from a company that I had spent 8 years employed at and nearly 20 years supporting in various ways. I have a ton of friends who work there, and everyone was sad to see me leave.
I was told that the reason was entirely financial (I wasn’t cheap – not particularly expensive, but better paid than most non-management in the department), and the decision to lay me off was not performance based at all. They said they didn’t even consider performance or ROI for those they laid off – just cost.
It’s now 2.5 years later, and I still haven’t found full time work. That 20 years I spent building expertise in a technology came as second nature to me – I taught the technology, lived it, breathed it, even slept it. I still know most of the details of how it works, but I have often times felt like a total fraud because why would a company lay off someone who was such an expert in what they did?
I’ve been “treading water” for that 2.5 years – I took some time after the layoff to relax and work out where I wanted to go, but I still haven’t really figured it out. I ended up being asked to do some contract technical writing, and have done pretty well with that, but it’s still just treading water. No benefits, no overtime, just a straight hourly wage, when there’s work to do. When there isn’t work to do, we have to tap into our retirement account (which isn’t huge, but seems to have been enough so far).
Most days (like today), I feel like I’m coming up short. I’m billing maybe 5 hours a day average, which is enough to get by if I work every working day of the month. In 2.5 years, I’ve interviewed for 3 or 4 different jobs. I don’t have a college degree, so most places won’t look twice at me (I had one place flat out refuse to interview me, in fact, because I don’t have a degree – any degree – even though I have exactly the expertise they advertised for). I’m very selective in who I interview with, because I want the job to have some meaning for me – not just to be something I got because I could and because I need to eat and pay the mortgage.
Which leads to constant money worries. My wife and I haven’t had a vacation in almost 3 years now (haven’t been able to afford it), and some days it’s just a struggle to get out of bed. OK, a lot of days it’s that, because I’ve never been a morning person. But some days it’s just that I can’t get up to face the work I have to do, even though I have been enjoying it.
I’ve found about myself that if I put my mind to something, I can pretty much learn it and do it. But my gut tells me that there’s nothing special about that – that anyone who applies themselves could do what I do. My brain knows that isn’t true. But it’s been like that all my life – when I was a kid, I saw someone play the violin, and I thought “that doesn’t look so hard, I could do that”, and I did it. I did it really well. So jerk-brain says “well, it must not be that hard to play the violin well” – which I know isn’t the case.
That’s the way it is when something is intuitive for you – if it’s second nature, you devalue it because it doesn’t feel like work.
As a fellow writer, let me tell you this – we all suffer from writer’s block. Whether I’m creating something new or editing someone else’s stuff, I read things over and over and over and over and have to ask “what the fuck was I thinking?” or “what the fuck were they thinking?” and I get to the end of the day feeling that the biggest thing I accomplished was getting rid of Oxford commas or being a highly-paid spellchecker/grammar checker. I sent writing samples a couple weeks ago to a company I hope to score an interview with, and as I’ve looked over the samples, I’ve been nothing but critical of them – “Oh WHY did you write it like /that/? That sounds SO STUPID – they’re never going to hire you, much less fly you out for an interview”. Again, I know I know the stuff cold, and I know that I’m exactly what they’re looking for, even if they don’t realize it yet.
So no, it’s not just you.
On to your questions:
> How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person?
Maybe 5 or 6 in a good month. Most days, I might feel like I got stuff done, but feeling like I kicked ass or was generally successful to the point that I notice it, yeah, 5 or 6 tops.
> What makes you feel the worst?
When I feel that I should have done more. When we sit down and look at the bills for the upcoming month and we’re short and have to take a distribution from our IRA. That absolutely sucks, especially when I have had the work and just didn’t get the hours in I need. I need about 100 billable hours a month to cover everything (including the taxes), which out of 160 for a short month should be easily achievable. But I constantly feel like I’m behind the 8 ball on that. For September, we have about $30 for food for the first half of the month (when most of the bills are due).
> What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?
I remind myself (and my wife helps with this a lot) that while I’ve been out of work for 2.5 years, we’re still in the house, we’re healthy, and I do have work to do that will help pay the bills. I find that looking back at past accomplishments reminds me that I have done some very difficult things, sometimes under difficult circumstances – and right now we have heat (or cooling) and I don’t have a broken leg[1]. Sometimes we also are reminded by our friends how fortunate we are – not because they say so, but because they’re facing much more difficult shit than we are. Sometimes it /does/ help to say “well, at least I don’t have cancer”, as horrible as that sounds to someone who /is/ dealing with cancer.
[1] A number of years ago, I ended up breaking my leg rollerblading, and while I was out of work on long-term disability, our furnace crapped out – in the middle of the winter. We’re in the mountain west region, so not having heat in the winter is a big deal. I also was laid off from a job a few years before that and faced 4 months of no income, no severance, and no cushion – nearly lost the house then, and I was very depressed and didn’t get out of bed in the mornings. I ended up doing contract work for a couple weeks that required a 180-mile round-trip drive every day – through the mountains in November on bald tires that I couldn’t afford to replace. That really sucked – especially when the friend who arranged the contract for me offered the company a 10% discount on my services that he didn’t ask me about – and I could’ve used that extra 10%. And it took them 3 months to pay me when they agreed to net 7 terms.
Most everyone feels the way you do, even the pretty, pastel people. They’re just better at covering it up than the rest of us.
Check out this article: “Facebook Makes Us Sadder And Less Satisfied, Study Finds” (http://www.npr.org/blogs/alltechconsidered/2013/08/19/213568763/researchers-facebook-makes-us-sadder-and-less-satisfied). When you’re finished reading the article, turn off your computer, curl up with your daughter, and enjoy the simplicity of “Little House” (and the not-so-pretty pastel person, Nellie Oleson).
Most everyone feels the way you do, even the pretty, pastel people. They’re just better at covering it up than the rest of us.
Check out this article: “Facebook Makes Us Sadder And Less Satisfied, Study Finds” (http://www.npr.org/blogs/alltechconsidered/2013/08/19/213568763/researchers-facebook-makes-us-sadder-and-less-satisfied). When you’re finished reading the article, turn off your computer, curl up with your daughter, and enjoy the simplicity of “Little House” (and the not-so-pretty pastel person, Nellie Oleson).
I’m pretty sure you’re normal, insofar as “normal” doesn’t even really exist. Not even for those perfect, shiny, PTA moms. Haven’t you seen enough afterschool specials to know that those weirdos are the ones who are REALLY losing their shit? But I understand what you mean, and where you’re coming from. I am very thankful to not have a mental illness (though immediate members of my family do), and I find myself feeling like a failure most of the time. What I decided to do about it, though, is just not give a fuck. Can I do more than I am? Absolutely. EVERYONE can do more than they already are. But is it okay that I don’t? Absolutely. LIfe is awesome but it’s also hard as shit. We need to collectively cut ourselves some slack for having the strength just to exist sometimes. And it’s also important to realize that even when we are at our personal lowest and feeling the most failurey (pretty sure that’s a word), there’s always going to be someone who wished they had it as “together” as we do. And if someone can look at this sad sack and think there’s something fantastic going on inside, then damnit, there must be. So in those failurey moments I try to hang on to that. [tos] helps me get through, too, of course.
I’d say I have maybe 1-2 days per month. And I don’t feel that I can count those because those are the days that I’ve probably shoved the kids off on my husband so I can get something done.
I have no idea why people think I’m good at things. I’ve developed some sort of a reputation for gardening (Psst I haven’t had a successful non-rotting garden EVER). Any question I receive, I just Google an answer. Maybe my “talent” is actually just the internet. I suppose I’m hella internetty. Can that go on a job application? Is that a marketable skill?
Okay so… just to make this clear, so you understand how NORMAL that feeling is: I don’t have depression. I don’t have anxiety.
AND YET…. I have very severe imposter syndrome constantly. I worked on Skylanders Spyro’s Adventure and Giants and I feel like most of the time I am STILL just faking it at work. Our game has earned a BILLION dollars, and yet, I feel like it is a “lesser” game to titles that have barely sold a million copies. I generally feel like a failure despite having a best selling game, a family, and plenty of time to play video games.
I feel like there is a lost art to just existing. People constantly feel we have to be doing something, and even more that we have to be doing something great. That’s just weird. I feel like if at the end of the day, everyone is fed, fairly clean, fairly in one piece, and fairly happy, then it’s a win.
Maybe it comes from realizing I am never going to make another game like Skylanders. It’s never going to be as big. From here on out, it’s just going to be less amazing than that time I worked on the biggest kids game. Most days I just do my work, come home, scrounge for dinner for me and my family, play a few video games and call it a night. That’s it. That’s honestly normal. About 3-5 days a month I really feel like I did something that “counts” but for the most part, I am just a little Dory fish humming “Just keep swimming.” And I am kind of okay with that. A day under the covers watching tv with my kid? That’s a win, because I remember how that was with me and my mom. How important that was to me.
It’s not just you. It’s like… 95% at least.
How do I remind myself that I am a kickass person and I need to stop giving in to self doubt? I have the mcdonalds toy of our game sitting on my desk. I look at it and remember, we are that big. Constant reminder that even if I am not doing anything big today, I have done something big and I will likely do something cool again. Otherwise I just accept that today is just a day not a DAY, and I have come to terms with that being okay.
I could have written that post. If I can get out of bed and actually shower AND dry my hair before the kids get home from school that is a successful day. If we don’t run out of milk AND I can find something to give everyone for dinner – WHOA! BIG accomplishment. Pinterest is basically a lie, most people who Pin do not DO the things they Pin, so don’t be fooled. And people don’t know. They don’t know I lie in bed all day, or worse sit on the couch with no tv or radio, just updating twitter and facebook hoping that something new will come up. If I talk to anyone they think things are great, they have no idea I am sitting at home parallized for no reason. And sometime I am the mom volunteering for something because on a good day I thought I’d be able to do it. Then I panic, freak out when the time comes and somehow pull it off and swear i will never volunteer again! Or I will volunteer for the things that can be done without leaving my house or having to make phone calls (I’d rather DIE than have to make a phone call) or have actual contact with people. So you are not alone, you are not the only one feeling this way. I feel like a constant failure, like my house SHOULD be perfect and clean and dinner on the table with homemmade cookies for dessert. I mean, after all, I am a stay at home mom, my kids are old enough, it SHOULD be possible. There is no reason other than my failings that prevent it from being so. And yet, even though I know this, I cannot make it stop. i wish someone would come to my house every morning and just hang out and talk to me and that would motivate me… I guess I just need a babysitter….
I’m laughing (or crying inside) because I’ve been having this same what-the-hell conversation with myself all week. I think 4 days a month is about right, but you have to add it up in minutes and hours because there is never a WHOLE day I feel as if I’ve kicked ass.
I just finished writing back to my boss that, thanks for the compliment but it really wasn’t due to my efforts. . .when I should just shut up and roll with it.
If anyone does find a magic pill to deal with this, I’m so in.
Sister, you haven’t failed at anything..you’ve obviously just made a fuck ton of people feel a little more human today. I say you win today.
Totally Normal. I wish I had my shit together enough to read all of the comments to know whether someone has said this already.
I think the issue is that most folks who feel this way (guilty, party of one) are comparing their “behind the scenes” to everyone else’s “Headliner Show”. To put it bluntly: The grass always looks greener on the other side, usually because it’s fertilized with so much shit to make it look pretty to the outside world.
There is no one else like you on this earth, and that is the only person you need ever compare yourself with. Did I do a better job (even a teeny bit) of being alive today than yesterday? Yes? great – carry on. No? ok, how/what am I going to do tomorrow?
The hardest part is starting (getting up, putting on clothes, opening the door, pulling a box in front of you, etc). I totally relate, though I’ve not been diagnosed with mental illness – which may or may not be a matter of time. Me? I have a list and every time I think of something I “need” to do I put it there – trust me, it’s a loooong list. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I go make a cup of tea, have a smoke (yeah ew I know, it’s on the list) and pull out the list. I pick one and only one thing and I start it. I may not finish but sometimes I do and it feels great to cross it off. Kind of an “anti-bucket list” – not necessarily shit I want to do before I die, but shit that needs to get done before somebody dies from say, food poisoning because I haven’t wiped my counters in a week.
My best advice, if you can afford it, is hire someone to do all the shit you can’t muster the energy for, and save your energy for the things you love to do – it will be the best ROI you’ve ever made.
I’ve just realized how many times I’ve used the word shit in this comment. I’ll put it on my list to find a new word.
Wow, huge number of posts already! yes, I think most of us feel this way, at least sometimes.
I, too, struggle with depression and anxiety, as well as fibromyalgia. I’ve had very little employment since 2008. I moved in late 2008 from Oregon to Texas, and then earlier this year I returned to Washington, where I lived most of my adult life. I have a part-time freelance job that I feel I’m failing at (can’t manage more than 4 hours a day and I really should be working now but I’m not). I just last night wrote a blog post about disappointment: I disappoint myself so much of the time, and I so completely expect to disappoint others (friends, clients, employers) that a lot of the times I do things to pre-emptively disappoint them, so I don’t have to anticipate the when.
I’ve been living with friends since April, looking for work (not hard enough!). I don’t do as much around the house as I could. One housemate, the one who actually has a job and money, is gifting me with not having to pay for virtually anything. Yet I still feel pressure.
There have been some times in my life when I haven’t felt like this. When I simply went with the flow. When I felt confident and okay with myself and the world. Those times became fewer and fewer as the depression and anxiety grew and grew. I am desperately trying to claw my way back up to the light.
I think a lot of why so many people in our culture feel this way comes down to expectations (even beyond mental, emotional, and physical issues, which all take their toll). We expect ourselves to handle so much more than even our parents did. We’re supposed to be able to handle everything, all by ourselves. Yet there is so much more to handle, what with all the damned interwebz and email and what the media tells us is “normal”.
I wonder what people who live simpler lives think and feel about themselves?
I do feel better when I remember to practice being mindful and when I spend time reading and thinking about mindfulness, zen Buddhism, and some philosophy that resonates with me. I feel better when I remember my successes, when I remember to do affirmations or creative visualization. But it’s been years since I’ve done much of that. Depression doesn’t just lie: it steals and it consumes.
Comparing yourself to anyone else hurts you. Expectations hurt you. Forgetting the good things about you and your successes hurt you. (And by “you”, I mean all of us.) I told my therapist that I want to get a bracelet made that says “strong, brave” to remind myself that I am these things. Most of the time I forget, ignore, or diminish all the times I have been and continue to be those things.
A couple of years ago, I told my then therapist that I was going to start doing research to see how much of which of my medications I’d need in order to successfully kill myself. I wanted to do it right, I told her, and not leave myself maimed or a vegetable. She asked me to check myself into the psych hospital. Out of respect for her, I did. Having an entire week where I didn’t have to think about getting food for myself or clean my living quarters or how I was going to spend my time was liberating and after three days I started to feel better. I’m still struggling with meds and functioning, but I no longer plan to kill myself, which is a huge success. And even with knowing that simply planning to keep living is a success, I still forget and consider myself a failure most of the time.
One last thought. Even the Dalai Lama experiences anger (and most likely the entirety of human emotions). He said that it’s part of being human to feel these things. It’s what you choose to do, and are able to do, that matters. You, Jenny, continue to try. You show your daughter love and togetherness. You share with us. Seems to me to be successful.
I hope that you are able to feel the love of the hundreds of us who have responded to you today, as well as those who haven’t. I hope you can love yourself, with all of your imperfections. I hope you feel better tomorrow.
Love you.
dear jenny, you are forgetting that depression lies!!! it makes us feel worthless, have doubts, think about only the negative..it’s lying to you, it’s waiting to grab you at the bottom of the pit!!! I have no answers, every week i go to therapy with something else i am doing wrong.. i never do anything right!! i am on 4 meds for my head and i have gone to group for dbt…mindfulness crap. good in theory but i can’t even get there or probably i don’t try to, i just continue in the muck.
i won’t tell you how great you are because you won’t believe it, but with over 1100 replies you must know that you are not alone, we all carry the same shitty stuff on our shoulders, we love you!! just you!! you give us relief that we are not alone, you lift us up. but we also know that your life is a struggle because you have been gracious enough to let us inside you and your family. we don’t expect you to entertain us. just be you! and just do what you can, we don’t expect more than you can give. we love you, jenny
Good Lord I have no idea what I’m doing. I overslept on my kids’ first day of school! (Today) Some days I take pride in the fact I’ve managed to keep 4 kids alive. I’m pretty sure they know they’re well loved. All of their basic needs are met and many needs that aren’t so basic. However, were their backpacks packed last night? Did I make them a nice first day of school breakfast? Did I make sure their hair was cut? Did we even make it to locker set up day last week? NO. No to all of it.
At least you are professionally successful. I am doing okay but feel like I should be doing more. Always.
So do I feel like I have it all together? No. Maybe 5-7 days a month I feel like I’ve managed okay. The rest? FAILURE.
Hey Jenny,
I am yet another one of the thousands of people who could have written this post… if I was a talented writer.
If we are depressed, we will not be able to recognise or accept the reality of our accomplishments. You were the one who introduced me to the saying Depression Lies. This is just another example of that.
I think that the problem is that we have no “win” condition here. Our brains are wired for survival they are not sophisticated enough to be able to help much with modern living, hence the anxiety. We are still 10,000 years behind so instead of being tuned to modern day stresses we are still ruled by the need to find food, stay warm, avoid sabre tooth tigers and reproduce. If we all had a nice sabre tooth tiger to run away from two of three times a week we would feel a real sense of accomplishment. Alas, successfully negotiating the super-market to provide food for our families doesn’t trigger the same rush, even though for many of us a trip to the super-market is a terrifying experience of unwanted social interaction.
When we see other people succeeding remember this, what you are seeing is the highlights reel. One moment in time. A moment when that person got their shit together. What we don’t see is the cost of that success, they might spend nights crying into their pillow, secretly drinking or thinking that they are the biggest loser ever to draw breath. They might also be happy well adjusted people but I doubt that happens very often.
Kindest regards
Antony
Over 1300 comments in 2 hours, that is success to me baby! You’re meds haven’t kicked in and you still wrote a post that kick ass? I can’t communicate like that while on my meds let alone off. I’m not trying to blow skirt up your ass but you are talented and successful. Sometimes that creativity takes a lot out of a person and you need a break from almost everything to recharge. I HATE PTA stuff and wait until Sunday night to do writing homework with my kid that’s due on Monday. A lot of people phone it in on a regular basis or just hang up the phone and that’s okay. No one is actually living that “super hero-Pinterest-my life is a fairy tale” lifestyle. Not only does depression lie but the media lies as well. Media makes us think that we should be living like that or we’re nowhere near a real human being. LIES…ALL LIES. Being human is not feeling like you are human half the time. I totally get what you are saying and just know that sometimes it takes one day, one step, one breath at a time to make it through. Hugs and a wine glass salute to you madam!
DEPRESSION LIES.
And I feel successful if I can make the corn dogs for dinner most nights. 🙂
I feel like you described all the time. And I really think that when you compare yourself to the people living their pastel lives, you really don’t know that they likely feel like this in some way or other as well. Also, they tend to be hugely unhappy people because they are so busy trying to live those pastel lives that they forget to actually live. Who the hell wants to actually be the mother who is involved in the PTA and taking her kids to activity after activity and setting a lifestyle for their kids that even their kids can’t keep up with nor even hope to maintain when they are older. We all put too much damn pressure on ourselves and this is in part why I believe depression and anxiety are so prevalent.
I have anxiety as well. What I have learned is that I just need to do what I can and relax. In doing so, I am a happier person with less expectations on myself and feel successful as a person more often than I used to. Because, damnit, I am meeting my own expectations most days and if I manage to get off the couch for even five minutes…yay me!
Try not to look to what society thinks you should do to be successful as a person. You have a beautiful healthy family and despite your depression and anxiety, you still manage to get through the day. That is a big accomplishment.
I just posted something similar, actually, because I feel championly-successful about 1-2 days per month on average, at every aspect of my life. My marriage is up and down because of the stresses from his motorcycle accident (which makes me an asshole, by the way, in my own mind…because I can’t just be the supportive caregiver I should be). My finances are a joke (to quote Sex and the City: I’m in a financial cul-de-sac). The book I’ve been writing for a decade STILL ISN’T DONE. Sigh. Most days it’s goddamned hard to see what I’ve accomplished: I’m too busy looking at the stack of shit I haven’t done or don’t do right.
The thing is, none of those PTA “perfect” people have all their shit together either…I firmly believe most people just have a better (mostly un-cracked) facade compared to MY cracked one.
http://nopithyphrase.blogspot.com/2013/08/its-not-you-and-im-not-breaking-up-this.html
You are not alone. And, as all these responses indicate, neither am I!!! I wish we could all reprogram our ideas of success. And I wish we could all be healed by knowing that we are not alone. I can’t wait to really read all these responses, but I wanted to recommend two authors. Anne Lamott’s non-fiction has helped me enormously. (I love her fiction, too, but her other work sings to me.) And Robyn Posin’s book Go Only as Fast as Your Slowest Part Feels Safe to Go: Tales to Kindle Gentleness and Compassion for Our Exhausted Selves is wonderful. We are all holding you, and each other, in our hearts.
Honestly, I only have about one day a week where I feel like I actually did something worthwhile. Even then I still feel like I should be doing more. Although, for about the past month and a half, I’ve hardly had any days that I felt like I did anything worthwhile. Yes, I kept the house pristine clean (it was either clean or drink while worrying about a friend) but I felt off because my creativity was stifled. As for what I do to make me happy, I have taken up quilting. I had surgery on my left wrist last summer and haven’t been able to really crochet or knit since then. I have to be creative or lose my mind. The sewing helps and doesn’t make my wrist feel like I’ve put it through the wringer. I prefer writing for my creative outlet, but right now, none of my characters are talking to me. 🙂
I honestly feel like a failure, a huge disappointment, a waste of space and carbon atoms and a life pretty much all the time. And now I’m getting older I feel like my chances are slipping away. I occasionally have two minutes when I fix something at work (in a job I pretty much hate) where I feel ok, and the rest of the time I’m never good enough, I’m never doing enough, I’m a worthless, awful, person. Except if I’ve had a couple of drinks. Then I might feel ok. I do not recommend this as a solution.
I’m sorry, this is just self-pitying whingeing and doesn’t help you at all. But I wanted to say, no, it’s not just you. Wiser and warmer people have offered excellent advice above. I find “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay helpful sometimes. I hope you find a path to feeling fine. And, we all love you.
What does “good at life” mean? Being good at something generally means you’re successful at it. How do we define success?
Is it realistic to expect every day to end with a checked-off and crossed-out list of tasks? I mean, really, who gives a shit?
So the only thing you did was go to the bank. Who’s grading you on that? Maybe you didn’t get there today. Go tomorrow. The bank will still be there. Why is it intrinsically a failure if you don’t go today? Maybe there will be consequences, but that’s natural – cause and effect. Shouldn’t that be what motivates us? “I should go to the bank today otherwise that check will bounce.” That’s motivating enough. We don’t need to add on some abstract concept of failure to every action or in-action. Most of the time that concept is all that’s there, because, most of the time, there are no meaningful consequences. That check won’t bounce, because you’ve still got enough in the account, you’ve still got a couple days, etc. So did you really “fail” if you didn’t go today?
Obviously that’s a simple example, and perhaps a naive way of looking at it, but maybe some naivety would come in handy here. It’s not a competition after all. You don’t win anything at the end. Why do the daily responsibilities of life have to be so inherently important?
I think this emphasis on winning, on being “better” than your peers, on some arbitrary notion of success is a big part of the problem. Comparison to others is always a fool’s errand, because what do you really know about that PTA mom? Maybe she doesn’t have dusty boxes, but I guarantee she’s got some other equally trivial thing in her life that’s not “perfect”. Their lives are not always pretty, they’re only pastel on the one little face of it they let you see. They’re not always happy, that picnic basket mostly collects dust on a high shelf in the closet, their napkins are unironed, their toilet runs and wastes water, their tomato plants died. There’s always something cracking the perfect picture. Always.
I have a room with a bunch of junk in it. It would be better as a guest room. Its been that way for several years, and I should do something about it. But really, does it make me a failure if it stays that way another year? No one’s being tortured in that room. No toxic chemicals are seeping from under the door and poisoning the groundwater. The room is not denying other people’s right to freedom of speech. Neither are your dusty boxes. Yes, its an unfinished project, but so what? Is there something fundamentally wrong about “unfinished”? Or do we just artificially make it seem that way?
You ask how may days a month do I feel like I kicked ass? Well, none. Because why fucking care about kicking ass? What does that mean anyway? I didn’t hurt anyone today. Did I kick ass? (seems like an oxymoron). Was I generally successful? Again, how do we define success? I didn’t get fired, my wife didn’t leave me, I didn’t run the car through a crowd of pedestrians. I’m still alive. Seems like a pretty successful day.
I mean, what the hell does it take? Why are our sights set so high? I get up, go to work, write some code that helps rich people get richer, go to lunch, converse with co-workers, write more code that will be re-written sooner or later, go home, talk to the wife, feed the dogs, read a book, play a game, watch tv, eat something, go to bed. Oops, forgot to get the mail. Oops, forgot to make that call to my dad. These accomplishments, with some daily variation, are the basics of my existence. I didn’t write a book, I didn’t change a life, I didn’t inspire anyone. If we’re being brutally honest, I didn’t really accomplish anything meaningful.
Was my day a failure? Was it a success? Does either concept have any relavance whatsoever? It was a day in the life – you take what pleasure you can from it. Maybe I floored it away from a stoplight – that was fun. Maybe I solved a tricky little problem that no one will every know about, still, that was satisfying. The dogs enjoyed getting their food, my dad might be irritated, that book is good, that TV show was entertaining, my wife told a funny story, the mailbox might be full. Were any of those things successes? Failures? Neither? Does it really matter? Why do I have to label each thing and then let that label affect my self-worth? Can’t those things be what they are without having a value attached to them?
Now, admittedly, I have no real understanding of the effect of depression or anxiety disorders on one’s day to day. I’ve read about it here and elsewhere, so intellectually I have a bit of clue, but no way of truly knowing. I get that due to those conditions it may not be possible to take any enjoyment from your day. But it seems to me that at a higher level, we have to start with our definitions, or as you say, change the way we see success. Success and failure – these things do have true meaning on larger scales. Did you hurt anyone, did you do anything evil, did you burn something down? No? Success! Did you care for yourself, your family and loved ones? Did you make it out alive? Yes? Success! Did I get task #3 done on my to-do list? No? Well, tomorrow’s not judgement day – so did I succeed or fail? Or is the jury still out? Or is there even a jury to begin with?
You are not alone. At all. I feel like a failure more than not, especially lately. The only redemption I feel is when I see something like *Here Comes Honey Boo Boo* on TV and get the reminder that it could be infinitely worse.
And I know you’re not fishing for compliments, but let me just tell you that I don’t think you’re a failure at all. In fact, I admire you because of all you have accomplished in the face of some challenges that are similar to my own. I know that there is hope for someone like me to be able to be someone like you. (Although I could never match your love for taxidermy. That’s just in a place all its own.)
I also wanted to mention that my wife and I aspire to something we’ve started calling a “LUM” lifestyle – “Lazy, Utilitarian, Minimalist”. The purpose is to reinforce the idea that it’s OK to be lazy about stuff and to just kick back and relax, to enjoy watching the world go by.
It’s too easy to get caught up in “keeping up with the Joneses” that one forgets that that’s not what life is generally all about. By applying the principles of utilitarianism and minimalism to our lives, we enable our lazy lifestyle. When we move, we’re not going someplace with a yard – yardwork isn’t something we enjoy doing, so it’s something we’ll do without. We’ve decluttered a lot of useless junk that we never look at or use, but we’ve kept the whimsical things that make us smile.
We buy things once if we can – we go for quality and versatility. We’re not out looking for a left nostril inhaler with the state motto engraved on it – if we needed something like that (which we don’t, though my cat allergies might say something else about that, because we have 3 cats), we’d look for something that worked on the left or the right and was plain (because if we move, we don’t want to have to get a new state motto on it).
I hope that makes some sense, or at least made you laugh. I stole the “left nostril inhaler” idea from George Carlin, so you can thank him for it. 🙂
On paper, I’ve always been an extremely accomplished person. Nevertheless, it has only been in the last six months that I’ve ever really felt successful at all. I’m up to honestly feeling successful about two to three days a week, and most of the time, I feel like I’m keeping my nose above water. And then there are the two to three days a month where I wake up convinced that I’m not competent to even care for my low-maintenance cat, let alone handle my new promotion, my side business, my family, and strategizing what needs to happen next for all of these things. Yesterday was one of those days. It sucked. Hard.
The turning point for me came when I began to really recognize the external measures of success that I had internalized, even though they were meaningless to me. I was so bad about this that I had unintentionally lied on the Myers-Briggs twice to score ENFP, when I’m really an ENTJ (much happier realizing that my dislike of spontaneity doesn’t make me fail at being a fun person, it just makes me me (*gasp*)). I don’t care about driving nice cars, having fancy clothes, or appearing cultured. I am geeky-passionate about scuba, science fiction, my cats (both the low- and high-maintenance ones), my husband, working with people (and not my goddamn computer screen), cultural critique, and space elevators. My biggest values are intentionality, curiosity, and linguistic-precision (fuck “integrity”–I have it, but it doesn’t inspire me to do things–ditto to courage, compassion, and other things found on by-the-book values lists). When I started using a measuring stick that actually used meaningful units of measure, I found that I started measuring up a lot more often.
For what it’s worth, co-active coaching is the framework I’ve used to put in the work to get here (it resonates for me to the point that I’m getting a certification as such a coach *full disclosure*). And I know other people who have gotten to the satisfaction they were looking for using all manner of tools, so it’s about finding what works for you in order to define what is actually meaningful and fulfilling to you.
I promise you that the shiny people you think have it all together really don’t. I know, because I have people tell me they think I “have it all together” when in reality I am just good at hiding stuff and all they see are the “highlight reels.” Truly. I can fake a clean house, but please don’t look in the rooms with the closed doors (’cause I couldn’t muster up the energy to actually clean- I shoved everything in there) and certainly don’t ask me the last time I changed the sheets. Sometimes I have to fake my way through the days at work (like right now!) ’cause I just don’t care/can’t deal. When I do volunteer to do stuff it’s because doing (whatever) is easier than dealing with my real life.
Just remember- the shiny is just a mask we’re wearing.
It’s not just you. My bed is my best friend and I have weekends/evenings during which I woudn’t leave unless nagged/prodded/cajoled by friends to do so. Despite my family’s encouragement, I have not sought help. Mainly because I can’t stand taking medicine. No idea why. I have to work my way back to happy and sometimes that can take months or even years. I understand what you mean about the compliments too. Fortunately, most of the people I allow in my friend bubble don’t give empty compliments so I remind myself that, if they said it, the least I can do is smile and thank them even if I don’t think it’s true at the time. That, in and of itself, has been a hard-won fight.
I know you don’t feel always successful but, if nothing else, please note that your being able to talk about your depression has helped so many other people through their hard times. We can see that it’s not just us. Not every person in the world is living a rainbow and lollipops existence. Twisted as it sounds, the knowledge that other people are just as unhappy as I am gets me through sometimes. I absolutely love your blog because it makes me cry: either from empathy or from laughter. And both can be cleansing.
I usually am around 2-5 days of feeling better than depressed. Sometimes I feel better than that, but usually I feel like I’m just barely keeping my head above of water, while the shark of depression circles below.
On the other side of things, while you say you look at those bright, shiny people on pinterest and facebook, it is a farce. Most people don’t have the honesty, especially on social networks, to share their deep, dark secrets. THANK YOU for being one who does. It has been eye opening to find people like you who are willing to share an insight into the not so happy stuff. It has helped me realize I’m not the only one miserable who doesn’t always have the motivation to take a shower and do anything productive. Maybe if there were more voices like yours and a safe space like all of the commenters above, our world would be a more understanding, if not better place.
Oh girl, I love you so much. I wish you knew.
My two cents is skewed, as I am also on meds for anxiety, but no, it’s not just you. It’s me and a bunch of my friends and family and just generally a ton of people I know. We all feel like, if not abject failures, at least not particularly competent most to all of the time. We suffer from what I call the Reverse Dunning-Kruger Effect, where we are actually very highly capable and completely fail to see or believe it at all. I can do something that, rationally and empirically, I can look at and say, “Yes. This was a good thing that was done here.” But actually making myself accept it as something I did…usually not so much. I started having this problem in grad school, which I realize has broken the minds of many others before and since, and which also launched me down the road of a mental breakdown and full blown social anxiety disorder. But I’m a better person for all that, so no regrets for any of it.
In short, this is irrational thinking. You know that. But it is super loud and effective when it’s in the echo chamber of your own head. Very hard to ignore. So here is what I do. I listen to it, I acknowledge where it is coming from, I respectfully tell it that it is completely full of shit but I recognize its right to its opinion, and then I try to stop thinking about it. I can’t spend all day trying to think I’m awesome — it’s not going to happen. I can’t take a compliment in earnest without hiding in a corner. There will always be doubts that I may in fact be a consistent screw up, that nothing I’ve ever done mattered in the slightest, and that at the end of the day, the mark I left will simply be a giant thundering “meh.” But I hold on to the few times when I actually feel positive about myself, and the rest of the time I just politely tell the irrational voice to go fuck itself. I can’t necessarily believe I’m 100% perfect awesome great, but I don’t have to believe I’m 100% awful either.
I’d say I feel like I’ve accomplished something 4-5 days out of each month. Sometimes I feel like such a shitbum because soandso on Facebook has done THIS, or whatshername has done THAT, and why haven’t I accomplished these things? They have such a great life! How did I mess mine up so horribly? But, then I remember that most people only put the good stuff on Facebook so that no one can see that they’re just like the rest of us. I try to tell myself that even though it may seem like I accomplished NOTHING that I did, in fact, accomplish something – life. Life happens when you’re trying to do shit and that means that you may not have a great big list of “accomplishments”. I think that as long as you have a few, you’re doing good, but as long as you’re living you’re doing great. And, yes, living includes laying in bed all day watching reruns with your daughter.
…. tell ya what: reading all these posts – I do believe I’ve finally found my tribe! 😀
Thanks for being the inspiration for such an awesome outpouring, Jenny – never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined such a thing as this! How amazing to find out we really ARE NOT alone in these feelings, ideas, and perspectives! Much wisdom shared here, and insights that are absolute keepers. Much love to all for your sharings – they are indeed a huge help… and hugs too for those who might have them.
You are not alone … I feel the exact same way. Kind of creepily, as though you wrote my thoughts down exactly. And it’s more often than not. 🙁 It’s hard when making it to therapy seems like more effort than it’s worth. Damn I hate depression.
Oh, honey.
Do you remember the day we met? You were speaking at a little bookstore in Tempe, Arizona. After you spoke and read, you sat down and started signing books. After 7 or 8 people, the woman that was running things put a good looking guy and a woman in a pink wheelchair at the front of the line. The lady in the wheelchair told you how much you have inspired her, and you and the lady both cried.
That lady was me.
Girl, I’ll say it again. YOU INSPIRE ME!
I spend about 23 hours a day in bed, horizontal. On the days that I don’t spend in bed, like today, I pay for it by having to spend the next several days in bed, and taking more medication than usual. My husband is starting a new job on Monday, and his current office did a going away party at a pizza place, and invited me. I called a cab, and threw some clothes and make-up on, and then went to the party. I will go home after a few hours of being up, and probably go to bed for the night… and the next two to three days.
Not only is it physically difficult for me to get up, but now I’m terrified to start anything, because I’m afraid I won’t finish it.
So, not only are you “Good”, but you are inspiring. You wrote a book!! I have several of them in my head, dying to break out, but several years ago I told my family that my New Year’s Resolution was that I was going to write a book. My mother replied, “Yeah. Right. I’ll believe THAT when I see it.”
There went that idea. Since then, I haven’t been able to do ANYTHING! I’ve bought books, but I can’t put down ONE WORD!
Yes, you are GOOD! And I know how hard it is to believe in yourself. If you spend 18 years being told you can’t, or even longer, then I imagine it will take at least that long to reverse it with your loved ones telling you “You CAN!”
And baby, YOU CAN! You aren’t just good, you are AMAZING! AND YOU INSPIRE AND AMAZE ME!!!
Does that answer your question? *hugs* Love you honey. 🙂
There are maybe 3 days a month I manage to feel like a decent human being. I always thought it would get better inside my head someday, but there’s no change. Facing my fears and avoiding them seems to have the same result, I’m still scared and ashamed I feel like this.
I’m not sure that’s helpful, but at least you’re not alone. 🙂
Oh honey – all the loves to you!!!!! I feel like such a crap heap most of the time. I have a Ph.D., a book coming out in 2 weeks, a beautiful marriage, a healthy/gorgeous/funny little son, and – THAT SONG JUST SAID VAN HELSING WHICH MAKES ME THINK OF HUGH JACKMAN. OK. Now I feel better. LOL Seriously, I have writer’s block and genius block and blocks of all kinds except the kind that blocks the food from hoovering into my mouth. I am SO thankful for you and others (like Wil Wheaton) who have made it easier for me to be free to talk about my anxiety and depression. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hugs and prayers.
I’m the oldest of 5 adult children…I will be the last to marry, at the age of 41, the last to buy a house [because I have committment issues and a gypsy soul, hence the late in life marriage], the last to find their passion and start a career [ADHD and too many things seemed like cool shit to do for a living], and any day now I’m sure my younger siblings will realize that the brother they have looked up to their entire lives is a complete imposter. It’s a daily struggle to keep my chin up and realize that the life I chose and choose to live is incredibly gratifying and happy, regardless of the lack of the aforementioned “rites of passage”. Feeling awesome? Yeah, when I don’t forget to feed myself, I have on matching socks, and the car has gas in it. The possiblity of all three of these things happening on the same day….less than winning the powerball.
If most people are honest with themselves, then they too would admit to feeling a little “less than” on most days.
There are million, better worded responses here, but I wanted to add my voice to the “me too” chorus.
I also wanted to say “thank you” as well.
It isn’t just you. Basically there is hardly a day that goes by the I don’t think (about work) “OMG they are going to fire my ass for incompetence.” I’ve been at this job 14 years. But still, I don’t feel good about the work I do. Or, I look at my wonderful, awesome sexy man and think, “Oh yeah…enjoy that kiss girl because he is SO going to dump you because WHO could stand loving you?” But yet he stays and he loves me. And I don’t even suffer from depression…it’s just these damn tapes that play in my head. (Yes, I’m old enough to refer to them as tapes) That have ALWAYS played in my head for as long as I can remember. So…maybe a week a month…and not always consecutive days, I can turn the tapes down enough to actually feel good about things. My kid is GREAT. But I feel at any minute like I’m screwing up her life with my own incompetence and she’ll likely grow up and write a book about me and make a million dollars like other screwed up kids. I never tell anyone this because: a) if they told me I was wrong I wouldn’t believe them; b) who wants to hear my boring worries when I have a great kid, great husband, great job, and great life? So what do I do to snap out of it? I’d like to say I count my blessings. But really I don’t. Somehow things get done and life goes on and every now and then I can say “well THAT was a good day.” And I guess that’s enough for me because that’s how I live my life and it seems to work. I don’t take meds…I just always think that maybe this is what life is…struggle and the occasional good thing. It’s not just you. You are not, and never will be alone.
Oh, I might look like a shiny person from the outside, but on the inside I am CONSTANTLY berating myself for not living up to my potential (a frequent comment on my report cards when I was little, btw). Honestly, think it is everyone who feels this way and the kickass feeling is so evanescent as to be barely noted.
Yes!!!!!!! I’d say the days where I say to my me, “I won more than I lost!” are like 3-4 a month, max. All the other days I feel like a sucking fraud. How truly wonderful and also bitterly sad to discover that I’m not the only one!?
XXX!
e
As I am quite certain it has been said a couple of thousand times in the comments above and below mine you are most definitely not alone. To be honest I consider the day a success if I manage to force my ass out of bed before I am late for work and that in and of itself can be a real trial sometimes. Then I get to work (usually 10 to 15 minutes late) and work like a motherfucker. So how often do I feel successful about life? Honestly maybe 3 days a month, if that.
I am one of the shiny, pretty people. I totally have have my shit together and never have unwashed hair. I don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last. I have a pretty, pastel life, and know how to recycle, and never run out of toilet paper or get my electricity turned off.
But guess what? I’m not that happy. I have other shit, not on this list, not visible to even close friends, that makes me a failure. The people you think have perfect lives, don’t. They just happen to be good at some superficial shit that makes them look perfect. You may not always like yourself, but if you like the people that like you, then you are doing fine.
I am not diagnosed anything. I just stay home with three kids and still only feel like I’ve only got my shit together a few days out of the month. Please don’t tell me that’s not normal!
I hardly ever feel successful. I should I suppose, I just started attending an expensive and prestigious college, and I guess I’ve done other stuff, but most of the time I feel like I just scraped by. Especially with just being a person. I have clinical depression and an anxiety disorder as well. I hate this. I hate myself, I go out there to try and make friends with people who actually have their lives together and I just can’t do it. I feel like everyone is laughing at me, and that I’m annoying the two friends I actually have here to death.
So no, you’re not alone and it’s not just you. My biggest accomplishment most days is sticking it out long enough to just go to bed.
So what if you’re on productive 3 – 4 day’s a month.
Just take care of what you can when you can. Love your self, your husband, & daughter. Life is short and you are accomplished; today you wrote this blog. I totally live this type of thinking and grown to love my “crazy”. Embrace it & work with it, around it & through it. Happiness is all in the perception.
so here goes: i feel successful every day. because know what is best about being human? each of our successes are different and the magnitude of successes will vary day to day. that is OKAY!
i didnt used to though. every day i concentrated on my failures. i deal heavily with anxiety. my counselor has some fancy name for it… but essentially he says i’m a worry wart. and it comes through in all aspects of my life and i take everything way too seriously and too personally.
but…
I hope you make it through all the other posts enough to read this one.
i used to feel really down. i own a tattoo shop, i have employees, i dont have kids but i have my cats, i own my own house, blah blah, and i’m in the eyes of most a pretty “successsful” person.
but i’d go home and lay away at night listing all of the stuff i havent done for MONTHS that i was supposed to do. and though i’m “nice” i’d cry over the friends i pissed off because i cant say no and therefor i’m overworked and over stretched and unable to handle things in a timely manner…
and it changed a year ago. a dear friend of mine opened the door for me to PMA. Positive Mental Attitude. at first i said “take your self help bullshit and stick it up your sexy ginger ass”. then he sent me a book about it. out of merely trying to avoid one thing on my growing list of things-i’m-supposed-to-do-but-havent-done-for-months – i read the book. and it changed.
its NOT self help. but it IS about seeing YOUR world through a better set of eyes. a positive set of eyes.
instead of seeing the failures, its okay to see a trip to the bank as enough of a success! maybe that day it was. and the next day it’ll be something else.
dammit it’s what makes all of us love you and keep coming back. we LIKE who you are! and we connect with you.
YOU are in control of your world. and the level of what that world consists of is what is good for YOU. not compared to the guy next to you or the PTA people. Just you.
p.s. you might have boxes in corners – but let me tellyou this: i have them in my parents basement, my ex’s house and my current house has “the little room” which is a spare bedroom that is so packed with my paintings and boxes that the door gets shut when company comes over… see…? its OKAY. we’re human. and someday i’ll make it down that list and my success for that day will be sorting one of those boxes!
First of all, there’s too many fucking comments here and you’ll never be able to read them all so don’t even try cause you’ll feel like there’s just one more thing you failed at.
Second of all, I think what you’ve written about is what plagues smart people. Just being honest. A lot (okay the majority) of those ass clowns with pastel lives on Facebook and Pinterest are just that deep. That’s it. It doesn’t get any deeper for them. It’s surface shit. That’s all they’ve got. So be grateful it ain’t you.
Third of all, I think you should aim for 2 weeks a month when you aren’t ready to crawl in bed. Just do the next thing. Make the coffee. Get the kid off to school. Write something. Eat something. Help somebody else. 3-4 days a month isn’t enough. You at least need to be rolling 50/50 or you don’t have enough to keep you going.
Good luck. Aim higher, motherfucker.
I suffer from GAD just like you do, I worry all the time (the drugs help), and even though I’m smart as hell, I still don’t think EVERY DAY is a raging success. That’s just life. Some days are great, some just suck. You just have to try to accomplish SOMETHING positive every day, even if it’s just going to the bank. Don’t worry about being “Perfect Prissy PTA Mom” because THAT’S NOT YOU. You’re Awesome Sarcastic Mom with all the taxidermy and the fucking giant metal chicken! Screw it! You have people who love you at home and “abroad”, you are doing what you can within your circumstances to make your life work, and that’s all that can be asked. Stop trying to take over the world. As long as Victor, Hailey, and the rest of your family love you, and you’re still WORKING on the rest, that’s all that needs to get done. RELAX, you’re just being your worst enemy otherwise. Now I’ll go try to take my own advice…
There is a pile of recycles waiting to be taken to the recycle/trash room next to my apartment door. This pile grows and grows and grows until the structural integrity fails and it collapses all over my livingroom like the end of a particularly disgusting game of Jenga. The trash room is literally next to the elevator which I use daily.
There is an ugly shirt that I ordered online and did not return before the final return date. I had 90 days to return it, and the store is convenient to my home, but I didn’t do it. I just couldn’t get there.
I never, ever manage to do laundry before I have literally run out of underwear. On more than on occasion I have skipped events I wanted to attend because if I didn’t do laundry immediately I would be going commando the next day.
My friends are all in the “serious relationships, proposals, planning for children” stage of life and I am basically an incompetent child who can’t even manage my own life let alone working around anybody else’s or caring for an infant.
Which is to say: I am absolutely failing at my own life most days, but reading your blog is one of the best things that ever happened to me so thank you, thank you for writing it.
I know you will read all of the comments, but I am exhausted just reading a few.
I feel good about most of my days. I take time for myself while everyone else is at work or school. I volunteer in my son’s school library. It is solitary work, but I can chat with the lovely librarian and the occasional parent or teacher walking thru. Three to four good days a month would not be enough for me. I make a list of what I want to accomplish in a day. Today had four items, none groundbreaking, and all got done, except for a phone call, which I will go take care of now. You deserve more good days. I hope you find them soon.
You definitely aren’t alone in this. I feel the same way so much of the time. Most days I try to prepare in advance what I need done in order to be productive because I like to think one day, maybe I can get it together. When that advance planning doesn’t work out I usually find myself on the couch watching Netflix for the rest of the afternoon.
I can relate. I’ve only just figured out what I’m missing:
COMPASSION
I have little for anyone else and none at all for myself. My inner critic rages all day long and I suffer from soul-crushing shame. I understand it so poorly I had to go look it up. I now know it’s something I will spend the rest of my life working toward how to have for myself.
By the way–screw those shiny PTA people. They’re no different–they just have bigger closets.
Most days I feel like I’ve accomplished something because my bar is very low. Did all of us survive the day? Do we still love each other?
Everything else is gravy.
Mmmm, gravy.
Seriously though, lots of days involve the bare minimum. Accepting those days helps you to kick ass on the other days.
You aren’t alone. I don’t even have depression or anxiety. I feel like a failure many many days. I rarely feel successful and that doesn’t last more than a day or two. I am content with neutral. Not a miserable failure, not a flying success. I look awesome on FB but I’m not. You might see my finished project but that’s only because I cropped out the week’s worth of dishes piling up in the background. NO ONE can do all that. They might have matched napkins but their marriage is failing. Do not compare yourself to online personas. Everyone looks amazing there. It’s not real life. At all.
3-4 days a month? You are sooooo luck!! I’m happy if I can feel like that one day every couple of months. I have a great job, very successful, masters degree, 2 homes, nice car, tons of friends….it’s all a scam. Not depressed – just hoping day-by-day that no one finds out my secret. Fraud, impostor….me.
I only shower a couple of times a week, sometimes less if I don’t have to be anywhere that requires me not to smell like body-odor and pee (because I’m a mum and I regularly pee my pants, just a little bit). I’m considering starting a blog, just because I can’t be the only one who’s kids watch TV and play video games 70% of their waking hours on an average day, and I don’t think it’s as bad as people say. I can’t remember the last time I washed the bedsheets. I’m not sure when I feel like I’m kicking ass, maybe last week when I vacuumed the lounge a bit?
You would have no idea of any of this if you met me, not even if you came to my house and I fed you. I moved from London two years ago and now live in one of the most prosperous towns in America (if the bloody house prices are anything to go by) and I have made a lot of friends, and the ones who have become good friends are the ones in a similar position to me, or the ones who are knowingly driving themselves insane by having every extra-curricular activity they can find within 100 miles, and an immaculate house. They envy me because I’m so laid back and they come over for coffee sometimes and don’t care about last year’s leaves in my front yard because I give them cookies and we listen to one another.
I would love to achieve something with my life, but I’m not really good at anything, other than making other people’s children adore me by giving them candy whenever they want and letting them watch lots of tv… My children quite like it too, though my husband would like it if I ironed something. Ever.
Honestly, I mostly try not to think about it. I have my own problems (anxiety mostly) and I’ve always needed a lot of down time. For some reason it bothered me less when I was younger but as I get older I feel like I need to use my time better. Be better. Do more.
So I try not to think about it too much. I do what I can. I keep trying. And that will just have to be good enough.
Clearly it’s not just you…I’ve written this comment 4 times and have felt like I’m failing each time.
I can’t honestly say that I relate completely – I tend to feel pretty good about myself most of the time. I probably have 4-5 days a month that I don’t feel good about myself, and those days are mostly because I’ve set an impossible standard to hold myself against.
The things that keep me going are some truths I’ve given myself permission to believe.
I am a good mom. I’m not a PTA mom, I’m not a scrapbooking mom, I’m not a mom who throws half-birthday parties. But my kids like me and I like them. They are loved and cared for. I’m fully invested in them as human beings – not future superstars (I will stay up with my daughter and watch Star Trek until 1 in the morning in the summer). I listen to them even when I really don’t care about what they’re saying (I have a son who processes everything externally).
I only hang on to guilt for a moment. I only allow myself to worry about things I can control. I should say that my background is Counseling and I have had to apply a lot of what I learned to myself.
All of that said, I still have moments that I’m consumed with self-doubt. My hang-up is wanting to be accepted and liked. I want to be included. Twitter pisses me off constantly because I feel like I’m standing in a crowded party talking to myself. I don’t know that I’ve found a solution to that problem other than just be who I am and only worry about the things I can control. I can’t make Simon Pegg like me any more than you can get Nathan Fillion to pose with twine.
In the end, you are who you are and remember that different doesn’t equal wrong.
I hope you find the light you are seeking. You are remarkable to me in your honesty and desire to see a better-ness in the world.
xoxo
I feel like this 100% of the time. I envy your few good days/month. My depression and anxiety keep me from having much of a life. I would send a “cry-for-help” card to PostSecret but even that seems like too much effort. Nobody would read it anyway.
People are a spectrum, There are a few perfect ones who really do get everything properly done. Then there’s the polar opposite with lives completely out of control. Most of us fit in the middle. You seem to be normal like the majority of us, it’s just that some of us are better at faking our “shit togetherness”. I’m guessing (I apologize if this is wrong) that you live in a higher income area so you are just not being exposed to the “great unwashed” that is the reality. My daughter goes to a school where a person is on staff whose purpose is to pick up children whose parents can’t be bothered to get them to school. Then she combs their hair and picks out the lice. I could go on, it is very sad.
Really it doesn’t matter what I or anyone else says, It has to come from you. No one can make you believe you are a success at life except you.
I wish you luck and I’m sending good thoughts your way.
It’s definitely not just you. My usual assessment of myself is that I am never doing enough, that I don’t measure up to what I should be like. I’m not depressed either. I have a happy marriage, my career is going fairly well. I have friends I love. I don’t ever really shake the feeling that I’m never doing things right though. I could always do things better or do more things or do different things. I don’t know if I have even three or four or even one day a month when I feel like I have kicked butt. I appreciate the things in my life andi have lots of happy moments, but I never actually feel like I’m good enough.
Totally normal. Problem is people compare themselves to other people. They are not me and I am not them. We each walk our own path. I have more good days than bad, but I do have them (thankful – please don’t dislike me because I am a “happier” person 🙂 ). I have boxes upon boxes of stuff still packed and waiting to be sorted through since my divorce in 2007 around my house. I managed to figure out where to put some glassware the other day – I celebrated it. 🙂 I have one roll of TP in my house – need to get more given that I have two kids (16 and 12) and that will be gone tonight. Any day I wake up, take a breath of air; it’s a good day, even if it is “bad”. I count my wins many ways: time with my kids, productive at work (any job), friends who care to check on me, and family. I don’t measure my life against others accomplishments…different journey. I don’t know what path they are walking and they don’t know my path. Point is an accomplishment is an accomplishment: Getting up/getting dressed/going to the bank/going to work/reading/or watching TV with the kids – all accomplishments. Hell, tonight I will settle for remembering to get cat food (cats would appreciate that) and TP – and celebrate that accomplishment. Sometimes it feels like I am spinning my wheels or always on the go with working a fulltime job and being single mom that I am just happy to be breathing – again another accomplishment.
I feel like this all the time! I feel like I’m faking being a grown-up. My son is 19 and he isn’t really doing anything with his life and I feel like it’s my fault. I should’ve done something. I was laid off from my job and I just sit around the house watching TV and I feel like I should do more. I wrote three books years ago and feel like I’ll never writer another again. Every day I feel like I’m faking life.
It helps knowing I’m not alone in this… Thank you!
*Long time lurker, first time commenter.*
Yup. It’s just you. And me. And every fantastic weirdo commenting on your blog today, because we’re a stone-cold pack of kooks, cranks, and crackpots who know bloody well that we don’t have our lives in order… and probably never will. We have days where we should be applauded just for getting out of bed. We have conversations about weather that feel like spotlight sessions over the worst parts of ourselves. We scrutinize every step we take because maybe it’s a step in the wrong direction. We interrogate every emotion because maybe THAT one is the problem. We are frauds. We are freaks. And that must be okay because WE ARE STILL HERE.
The comments that came before mine (and, no doubt, those that will follow) are full of advice from people who are far more intelligent and far more eloquent than I could ever be. So I’ll just say “celebrate the small successes” and leave it at that. Today, mine was standing in the mudroom with the door open. I didn’t actually go outside (What kind of crazy person goes OUTSIDE? Oh, right… a person who doesn’t suffer from crippling agoraphobia. Damn.)… but it was something.
Love you, lady. Chin up.
It’s not just you. I am constantly in awe of people who seem to be able to be normal human beings. I don’t really know how to function in that way. Like, I have to manage to shower every day AND do something with my hair and face and clothes? For work? I have to pay my bills AND go to work EVERY DAY?! Ugh. It’s just hard, and I don’t ever know if there’s a time when it won’t be hard. Even when I’m on my meds. 🙁
First of all, there are already so many comments here that I don’t need to remind you how much joy and delight you bring to TOTAL STRANGERS. Now, onto the joy and delight you may or may not bring to your family: this is a tough road to hoe, and if you spend inordinate amounts of time on Pinterest or worse: DIY blogger sites, you will always feel like an utter failure. There’s the blog I actually discovered you through – YHL, and while they seem like genuinely great people, their marriage is one that makes mine look like the remnants of the Manson clan. The rest of them portray their lives to be so sugary wonderful that it could make a NON-depressed person want to hurl themselves off a bridge. Have you seen the woman who blogs about “hearting” organizing? Or the one who talks about nothing but her perfect little boys and all their trips to Disney and their endless Disney-themed lives? Borderline horrific and Saturday Night Live parody material, all rolled into one. So take a break from it all. And also, my entire phone-internet-cable bundle got shut off the day school started (imagine pre-teen girl unable to get wifi for texting and OCD 10-year old unable to triple check his homework online), my entire house smells like dog pee (I can’t even do that right) and I refuse to join the PTA because I have no time in my life for those ninnies, and my kids are well aware to never even ask. We are all you. I did wear my “Make me some Basketti” t-shirt all over the outer banks on vacation, and wine helps A LOT.
“They never wait until Thursday night to help their kid with the entire week’s homework.”
My daughter was in kindergarten last year and I would totally still do this, she also had a monthly homework sheet that we would do the day before it was due back.
I know how you feel. I think I would probably feel like the worse mom/wife ever if it wasn’t for your site showing me that I am not the only who doesn’t have it all together. I am not the only one who spends way too much time laying on the couch watching netflix and thinking about the fact that I probably should wash dishes sometime today.
you aren’t alone. You aren’t the only one, and neither am I. Strangely, that does give me hope.
Definitely not just you. I’m a lawyer, a mom, and generally an accomplished-appearing person, but I feel just the same. I can’t get my kid to the dentist, can’t get the exterminator to the house for annual inspections, can’t get that annoying squeal in my car fixed . . . on and on it goes. Most days I’m just getting what I can done. I think the reality is that no one really has it all together – I mean honestly, how could we?
You have an avalanche of responses, so I’ll try to say something here that counts and hasn’t been said.
It’s not my intention to tell you how to live or claim I have special knowledge about life. This was, and continues to be my experience. All I can tell you is that starting in my teen years, I had a persistent itch. It lay somewhere deep within me and it whispered so faint, I could not make out the words. It nagged me. Haunted me.
The only part of the riddle I had was the nebulous feeling that something wasn’t right.
Over time, without an answer and desperate, I made one up. It was me. I was wrong. Everyone else was doing just fine. Everything was a it should be.
What followed was years of pain and suffering. I acted out, full of anger and frustration and transformed it into self loathing. I chose the path of self-destruction and was nearly successful. But right at death’s door, I stopped. It was that damned itch. My heart knew I hadn’t figured out the riddle. I had to know.
I spent many years wandering after that. It was a kind of half-sleep, full of good intentions that would end up mistakes. In my wanderings, I read a book called Ishmael. It was given to me by a dear counselor. It moved me deeply. I’d love to say that my life suddenly changed drastically for the better, but it didn’t. What did happen was I found out that I wasn’t wrong, that my nagging feeling was correct- I had just misplaced the blame. The book was both validating and disturbing. It gave insight, but no solution. That insight was:
You are enacting a story that is the root cause of all your suffering and ills. It is what is wrong. That is what you are feeling.
What the fuck do you do with that?
Now my itch had an answer. This led only to a new itch. One that seemed unscratchable. So, I chose the easy out and ran like a coward. This only led to more suffering. Then events both personal and global forced me to make painful changes. I started writing. I started learning not to hate myself.
I’d love to say that my life suddenly changed drastically for the better, but it didn’t. I blogged for a while but stopped. My mom died. I distracted myself in various ways. I fell in old traps. But, I carried on. Now I think I’m ready to write again, a book this time. I’m ready to share my experience, my journey, and all the stumbles along the way. We’ll see.
I’m not telling you to read a certain book. I am telling you that I think your suffering does not originate from some flaw within you. It’s just easy to tell yourself that because you were taught that from birth. We all were. I’m not offering you something religious, mystical or scientific. I really don’t have any answers. Just know this- it isn’t just you. You are fine. You are not broken or wrong. You are not unworthy or incomplete. You are doing the work that must be done. You are searching for an undiscovered country and bravely sharing your experience. A growing number of others are doing the same thing. Maybe that’s our part- not in overcoming our suffering and becoming “whole,” but in awakening and sharing the experience of discovering that it isn’t “just us,” that the problem lies in the story we live in.
xo
Oh how I wish I wasn’t a face in this 1000+ people crowd! For what it’s worth, I think you are fantastic and love that you are willing to share your struggles as well as your humor. Here’s the thing, first of all: quit comparing your insides to everyone elses outsides. Having said that, I have moments almost every single day where I wish I could just, once, have my shit together. I think each and every single one of us moms are treading water, but we live in an unfortunate world where most of them work really, really hard to hide that fact. It’s exhausting because, imagine if we all just helped each other out instead. I hate to admit, that I avoid the majority of the “in crowd” moms at my kids school precicely because I cant’ let their crazed perfectionist bullshit rub off on me. I work really hard to stay in my little family bubble, only people who are willing to share their crazy, and their struggles are allowed in. Therefore I’ve cultivated a small but mighty group of friends who make me feel like I’m ok, because, actually we are not ok and that’s ok (make sense?). My kids are not superstar geniuses or sports prodigies, they are just normal. They goto school with crazy hair, and dirty faces sometimes. I’m sure the other moms think I’m an anti social nut, but I don’t want to be part of that crowd. My goal is to raise kind, brave, funny kids who can make a living and be somewhat happy. I hope that if I’m brave, kind, and funny, and not burning them with cigarettes, etc., If I give them my time, and let them know they are amazing, and help when I can, not as their friend but their mom, If I make sure they know I love them no matter what, and they have a good idea of what’s right and wrong, then hopefully the good stuff will rub off, and they will turn out ok. So hope you read this, hope it makes some sense. I hope you put on blinders and focus on your mission, ignore that which makes you feel you are unworthy and know we are ALL in that boat.
My bad days sound a lot like your typical days – I try not to focus on it because MOST of my days are just “getting by,” also because of illness, and I try to be a good mom to my toddler and not worry about the fact I get nothing done around the house and my husband has to do it all. I’m STILL setting up my office/guest room – and I started that last October. We are judging our “behind the scenes” by others’ “highlight reel” if you get what I mean – you’re comparing the other folks at their best but that’s not all that they are. I’m with you.
I think we all have a habit of looking at the wrong things to measure success. It’s not about doing it all. It’s not about writing the best seller or being “SuperMom” and heading the PTA. Dance recitals make me feel inadequate just looking at what the other moms have done for their kids. At the end of the day, though, you need to remember that that isn’t it.
It’s about the simple acts of living, about enjoying the moments when you can, about loving your husband and your children or whoever is important in your life. It’s about loving those you care for and also about loving yourself (and yes, I know that’s often the hard part). It’s about accepting yourself. And that’s something most of us need to work on, but that’s okay too. It’s not a contest. You win by keeping on going. It’s the voyage through life that matters, not the destination or the individual goal posts.
And now I feel compelled to quote Dori… Just keep swimming! And you’re swimming beautifully. 🙂
I could’ve written this, like seriously get out of my head. I struggle with very similar things every single day and honestly most of the time feel like the anti-Stuart Smalley: I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, and goddamnit, people don’t like me. But, I’m kinda coming to terms with my limitations and accepting that it’s ok sometimes to not be good enough. RA, MS, Fibro, Bipolar I, and anxiety demand a HUGE chunk of my time, and send my mood in the shitter on a daily basis. I miss being active, playing with my kids, going to parties etc etc. Recently though I’ve tried to include some kind of fun in my day, no matter how small, and it has helped my mood if nothing else. I carry a pack of emergency googly eyes to randomly stick in places, I read funny blogs (looking at you kid), I sing along to the musak in grocery stores, dumb little things, but it makes me feel better. I know I’m not able to be the perfect PTA mom whose kid sells the most cookie dough, but I help my kid build a blanket fort and spend the day coloring and building Lego cities, and to him that’s way more important than fundraisers and meetings. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Jenny. It’s not just you, we’re all in this together! <3 XOXOXOX
My guess? Most of us have, at best, mediocre days 95% of the time. I rarely feel like I kicked ass, and even more like I did so all day.
And no one else looks at the details, so don’t worry about what they think. It’s like wedding planning; you notice every minor thing that goes wrong, because you know what you meant it to be. The guests have no idea, and just have a great time. And that one guest who does notice? That guest is an asshole.
I’m really confident that you fit right in with the rest of us.
Take it from this PTO Vice President, Room Parent, Pinterest Loving Mom: You are not alone. Most of the people who are involved and crafty have spent have the day yelling at their kids to leave them alone so they can work on this awesome project that they can do together. Huddling under the covers together is a MUCH better way to bond than most of us do on a daily basis, so don’t beat yourself up about that. And, you’re an international best selling author. You would scare the crap out of the other PTO moms if you showed up ready to volunteer. They’d be so intimidated by you, the mom who does it all/is so together…sucdessful career, loyal minions, darling daughter, etc. So, no stress. The grass is always greener (over the septic tank). You are not the only one feeling like this.
My opinion is that you should stop comparing yourself to other people – they certainly aren’t perfect and it sounds to me like you are a great mom. Set your priorities – I think it is way more important to raise a successful kid and have people who love you than to join the PTA or have a spotless house. Life is not about doing chores or living up to other peoples’ expectations. If you don’t think you are good at life, maybe you should think about changing what you think your life should like. From over here, your life looks pretty great to me.
My nutritionist told me that there are about nine days – NINE! in a month where any given woman’s hormones aren’t so out of whack that she can feel normal. The other 20 or so are anyone’s guess. No wonder we’re a mess, or feel like we are. I could say “give yourself a break, you’re awesome,” but you probably still wouldn’t believe it, just as everyone else here as expressed. But seriously. Give yourself a break. You’re awesome, and so is everyone else here.
i do not have depression or any mental illness – that i know of anyway. but i am do the same things. garden started, and left. boxes from moves that aren’t opened for years (if ever!). i often wonder when does the growing up happen??? and i honestly believe that the people that appear to be perfect, are just really good at appearing, and if you dug down a little bit, you find the same thing as everyone else.
I’d say that there are 4-5 days a month where I truly feel like I’m kicking ass and taking names, professionally at work, personally with my family, and creatively with where I like my brain to be. That’s in a good month. Bad months are 1-2 days. Most days I’d say that I fall somewhere around a baseline–not actively hating myself but not really proud of what I’m doing either, just getting through the 24 hours and on to the next.
I have bipolar II, which comes with bipolar depression, which means there’s not always something that’s actively causing me to feel shitty–sometimes it just happens. I can say that on those really bad days, the things that make me feel the worst are all evil internal voices. I recently changed meds and gained what I consider to be a significant amount of weight in a very short period of time. After never being more than + or – 15lb of the same weight since high school, this completely devastated me, and I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with my body not feeling like my body. I’m also struggling with not hating myself for the days when I’m too mentally exhausted to go to the gym, or do much of anything. I’m getting married next year so trying to deal with hating my body (and by extension, myself, because twisted logic) and planning a wedding at the same time is pretty exhausting. It makes me anxious thinking about all of the attention people are paying me right now, at a time when the absolute last thing I want is to be seen. It’s been a serious struggle and it’s contributed significantly to the low number of good days.
I’m still trying to find new ways to make myself feel successful. I signed up for some classes on Coursera and Code Academy, which makes me feel more productive since I’m not in actual school anymore. Since they’re not for a grade, I more or less take my time on them and try to enjoy the experience of learning something new. I am, slowly but surely, getting more things in line for planning the wedding, which kind of helps when it’s not causing more anxiety. I think the biggest thing that contributes to my feeling of success is whether or not I accomplish a goal I set for myself on any given day. Most days it’s not a lot. I’ve been on meds and in therapy long enough to know that sometimes I just have to accept that I’m having a “bad” day and not expect too much of myself. But even on those bad days, I like to try to set a small goal. Sometimes it’s to make dinner, or paint my nails, or play with the cats for 15 minutes. Someone once told me that self-esteem is keeping the promises you make to yourself, so I try to be mindful of that. The days that I keep those promises, however small, are days that I feel moderately more successful and better about myself.
Really though, it’s an ever-present struggle, and it’s a pretty vicious cycle. I wasn’t able to get anything accomplished, so I feel like a failure, which makes me less inclined and less capable of getting things done. There are plenty of days where I feel like a complete and utter failure. But then I remind myself that depression lies, anxiety lies, and that there’s always tomorrow. Today was kind of a bad day. But I’m still alive, in spite of every fucked up thing that I’ve had to deal with throughout my life, I’ve survived, and that is my greatest success. So on those really really terrible days, even if I have nothing else to go on, I remind myself of that.
It’s not just you. I keep discovering this and then forgetting it and rediscovering it. We are not alone in our sense of failure, of screwing up, of wasting our lives, of not being enough. I think this is a big part of living with mental illness, that feeling of utter separation from everyone else’s experiences. All humans feel they’re failing at life to varying degrees, but we are separately experiencing it, and internalizing the rules society gives us to play by. You can never measure up all the time, it’s just not possible. As a perfectionist I struggle with letting go of this all the time, it is okay not to excel all the damn time. If you wake up everyone morning, you’ve succeeded at life in a sense. Anything more than that is a huge accomplishment some days.
Maybe put a reminder to pop up in your phone every few months to reread the comments on this post.
I could have written this same thing, and my only advice is to reconsider comparing yourself to the shiny pastel people. In my experience they are just as messed up as we are, if not even more so. We at least are being our real selves with people more often than they are. Your example to your daughter every day is so much more important than what Mary Sue and Bobbie Jane are saying about you and your possibly unwashed hair. So you’re not the PTA mom, I felt bad about that too, but I found other ways to contribute to the school environment that weren’t so fraught with political bs, like direct classroom help. One of my proudest accomplishments one year was helping the kids in my son’s 5th grade class that were struggling with long division actually finally get it.
Do what you can do, accept that this varies greatly.
If you do more than you thought you could, celebrate the hell out of it.
The ability to articulate your feelings and share them with all of us internet stalkers puts you one…several steps ahead of a lot of people, including me. You’re touching lives by making countless people feel less alone in our crazy.
It’s a constant struggle to fight the nagging feeling that we are supposed to accomplish something, do something, or be something better than ourselves; that’s part of the human experience, I think. It’s what makes us try harder, but there’s got to be a balance between letting our pushing, screaming, name-calling, inner life coach motivate us to keep working and letting that bitch crush us with negative rhetoric… —right about now is when my inner monologue says “delete this, stupid, nobody cares what you have to say.” Well, you know what, bitch?! I’m posting it anyway!
This is my success for today. This comment. It’s not insightful or funny or smart. It’s simply to say, “I hear you, I get it, and we’ll all be OK…I think.”
You are absolutely not alone, and although it seems bad sometimes, that’s what makes us human (even when we augment it in our minds). I dunno, I’m still new here, but I feel like a lot of the problem is the standards we measure ourselves up against. I’ve found through experience that the people that seem all happy and pastel-y and like they’re kicking life’s ass in reality are struggling with insecurity right along with the rest of us. It’s just a shinier facade. But because of this crazy, accomplishment-and-instant-gratification-obsessed society we live in, the metaphorical bar seems to keep getting higher and higher, and always just out of reach. I’ve learned to forget what other people are saying/thinking/doing in life, and focus on the things I CAN control – setting little goals for myself each day (even if it’s as simple as “vacuum the house”), making sure to appreciate the things that do make me happy, surrounding myself with people who love me for who I am, and remembering what’s really important. Will the world fall apart if the house is a mess, or I’m not the best cook, or I don’t immerse myself in a million extra-curricular activities (i.e. the PTA, or book clubs, or whatever) like the quintessential soccer moms of the world? No? Then it’s not important. Start small. A good friend of mine always used to say, “The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.” Another one of my favorite quotes (by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross), goes: “People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.” I’ve used that one so many times, I can type it from memory (and just did!). You’ll get through this! We’ll all get through this 🙂
Treading water. That is EXACTLY how I refer to my current parenting/life skills. And I’m probably at a 5-6 day total feeling of success rate, and by success I mean “got my son’s cross country physical in three weeks late but in time for him to run in the meet Saturday after the school called and said he can’t without the physical”. SUCCESS. And yes, shiny pastel people terrify me, so I just make a point to be the one who sets the bar low so no one has delusions of grandeur.
I’m with you, Sista.
Oh, and also — people only post good things on Facebook and other social media, to show themselves in the best light. Happy smiling photos, happy events, blah blah blah. It’s enough to make anyone think their own life is woefully lacking in bliss. Avoid!
I don’t know if it’s “normal” – but yes, I feel this way most of the time, too. Four successful days per month would be a pretty great month for me, even if that month was February.
I DISCOVERED SOMETHING THAT CAN HELP!!! Seriously, I know you have a gazillion comments already, but I really hope you read this one – from a fellow impostor.
This theory has helped me RE-FRAME where I am in my journey. The power of re-framing things in your mind is so well known, it’s become somewhat underrated.
This theory made me feel better about hitting bottom emotionally and stewing about, because HITTING BOTTOM EMOTIONALLY AND REALLY STRUGGLING IS NECESSARY ON THE PATH TO BECOMING AWESOME! KEEP REMEMBERING THAT, IT HELPS.
The theory is – D?browski’s THEORY OF POSITIVE DISINTEGRATION (the name is even cool, who doesn’t want to feel that their disintegration could be positive?):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_Disintegration
Seriously, read the whole thing. I really hope it helps you and anyone reading your comments.
An overview (because I love you, all of you):
“The most evident aspect of developmental potential is overexcitability (OE), a heightened physiological experience of stimuli resulting from increased neuronal sensitivities. The greater the OE, the more intense are the day-to-day experiences of life.”
“D?browski called OE “a tragic gift” to reflect that the road of the person with strong OE is not a smooth or easy one. Potentials to experience great highs are also potentials to experience great lows. Similarly, potentials to express great creativity hold the likelihood of experiencing a great deal of personal conflict and stress. This stress both drives development and is a result of developmental conflicts, both intrapsychic and social. Suicide is a significant risk in the acute phases of this stress. The isolation often experienced by these people heightens the risk of self-harm.”
“The importance of narratives in therapy: The gifted child, the suicidal teen or the troubled artist is often experiencing the features of Positive Disintegration, and if they accept and understand the meaning of their intense feelings and crises, they can move ahead, not fall apart. The completion of an extensive autobiography to help the individual gain perspective on his or her past and present is an important component in the autopsychotherapy process.”
(YOU ALREADY STARTED THE THERAPY WITH YOUR FIRST BOOK!!!)
“D?browski also encouraged people to see their reactions (overexcitabilities) and their phenomenological view of the world in the context of their developmental potential. The experience of, and reaction to, crises are a very important aspect of this approach and people are encouraged to experience personal crises with a positive and developmental view. D?browski reminds clients that without internal disease there is little stimulus for change or growth. Rather than trying to rapidly ameliorate symptoms, this approach encourages individuals to fully experience their feelings and to try to maintain a positive and developmental orientation to what they may perceive as strong depression or anxiety. Of course, this is a unique approach in today’s world of seeking immediate and total relief of any unpleasant psychological experience”
Level I: Primary Integration: The state of primary integration is a state contrary to mental health. A fairly high degree of primary integration is present in the average person; a very high degree of primary integration is present in the psychopath. Marked by selfishness and egocentrism, those at level one development generally seek self-fulfillment above all. Many people who are considered “leaders” often fall into this category.
Level II: Unilevel Disintegration: Unilevel disintegration occurs during developmental crises such as puberty or menopause, in periods of difficulty in handling some stressful external event, or under psychological and psychopathological conditions such as nervousness and psychoneurosis. During this phase, existential despair is the predominant emotion. The resolution of this phase begins as individually chosen values begin to replace social mores that have been ingrained by rote and are integrated into a new hierarchy of personal values. These new values often conflict with the person’s previous social values. Many of the status quo explanations for the “way things are,” learned through education and from the social order, collapse under conscious, individual scrutiny. Level II is a transitional period. D?browski said you either fall back (reintegration on a lower level), move ahead or end negatively, in suicide or psychosis.
The transition from Level II to Level III involves a fundamental shift that requires a phenomenal amount of energy. This period is the crossroads of development: from here one must either progress or regress. The struggle between D?browski’s three factors reflects this transitional crisis: “Do I follow my instincts (first factor), my teachings (second factor) or my heart (third factor)?”
Level III: Spontaneous Multilevel Disintegration: Level III describes a new type of conflict: a vertical conflict between two alternatives that are not simply different, but that exist on different levels. One is genuinely higher and the other is lower in comparison. These vertical conflicts initially arise from involuntary perceptions of higher versus lower choices in life. You just look at something, maybe for the 1000th time (to use the words of G. K. Chesterton), and it strikes you — you see this one thing differently and once you do, it changes things. You can no longer “go back and see it the way you did before.” D?browski called this vertical dimension multilevelness. Multilevelness is a gradual realization of the “possibility of the higher” (a phrase D?browski used frequently) and of the subsequent contrasts between the higher and the lower in life. These vertical conflicts are critical in leading to autonomy and advanced personality growth. If the person is to achieve higher levels, the shift to multilevelness must occur. If a person does not have the developmental potential to move into a multilevel view, then he or she will fall back from the crises of Level II to reintegrate at Level I.
Level IV: Directed Multilevel Disintegration: In Level IV the person takes full control of his or her development. The involuntary spontaneous development of Level III is replaced by a deliberate, conscious and self-directed review of life from the multilevel perspective. The person consciously reviews his or her existing belief system and tries to replace lower, automatic views and reactions with carefully thought out, examined and chosen ideals. These new values will increasingly be reflected in the person’s behavior. Behavior becomes less reactive, less automatic and more deliberate as behavioral choices fall under the influence of the person’s higher, chosen ideals. At the highest levels, “individuals of this kind feel responsible for the realization of justice and for the protection of others against harm and injustice. Their feelings of responsibility extend almost to everything”. Given their genuine (authentic) prosocial outlook, people achieving higher development also raise the level of their society. These positions often conflict with the status quo of a lower society (positive maladjustment). In other words, to be maladjusted to a low-level society is a positive feature.
Level V: Secondary Integration: The fifth level displays an integrated and harmonious character, but one vastly different from that at the first level. At this highest level, one’s behavior is guided by conscious, carefully weighed decisions based on an individualized and chosen hierarchy of personal values. Behavior conforms to this inner standard of how life ought to be lived, and thus little inner conflict arises.
Level V is often marked by creative expression. Especially at Level V, problem solving and art represent the highest and noblest features of human life. Art captures the innermost emotional states and is based on a deep empathy and understanding of the subject. Often, human suffering and sacrifice are the subjects of these works. Truly visionary works, works that are unique and novel, are created by people expressing a vision unrestrained by convention. Advances in society, through politics, philosophy and religion, are therefore commonly associated with strong individual creativity or accomplishments.
HERE’S TO ALL OF US REACHING LEVEL V IN THE GAME OF LIFE!
P.S. There is a book about the theory on Amazon, but I haven’t found it for less than $50. If you search for the theory, you can find a lot of reading comes up under “gifted children and adults”. If you haven’t read about the emotional intensity of gifted people, check it out. Being gifted comes with a host of problems that may be describing you and learning about them helps. Gifted is not what it sounds like (just smart), so many people dismiss it. There is a wealth of helpful information there that maybe a lot of people are missing.
I have this book (it’s dry but still valuable) which expounds on the theory:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Experience-Emptiness-Clive-Hazell/dp/1410797694/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1378414150&sr=1-1-catcorr&keywords=emptiness+hazell
And if I need a boost, this one is fluffy – but it helps:
http://www.amazon.com/Da-Vinci-Method-Break-Express/dp/0977486001/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1378414337&sr=1-1&keywords=davinci+method
Jenny,
I don’t suffer from depression or any other mental illness. I’m healthy, married 17 years, have two smart, well-adjusted kids who do well in school. I have a job that makes people say, “shit really? you get paid to do that?” I have a house, garden, beehives. My knees were still good enough last week to hike up into the high alpine with a backpack. My wife has been class coordinator at our school and is off watching one boy at soccer practice. We are those people who look like they have their shit together, AND HELL NO, WE DON’T FEEL LIKE WE’RE SUCCEEDING AT LIFE! That’s just the curse of paying any attention to your life in this culture. Don’t be fooled by the composure of those of us who get out of bed and smile with confidence. I’m working on achieving the wisdom to see my blessings and forgive my failings, but maybe that’s just a deathbed thing . . . .
I typically don’t feel “sucessfull” on a day-to-day basis, but that really doesn’t bother me. My typcial day involved going to work, coming home to my wife and dogs, cooking dinner, and relaxing at home…it’s nothing fancy, but I’m fine with that. Sometimes I feel like I “should” be creative…but honesly, I don’t want to, and I’m fine with that too. I’m usually content with my life, even if there’s typically nothing particulaly thrilling, or adventurous about it day-to-day.
this is a good description of my daily life. i tend to look like i have my shit together, and have even had other moms comment on how i stay so organized. i get odd looks when i then laugh and say that it’s all an illusion and that i am actually a huge mess.
i would say that in a good month i have 5 days where i don’t feel like a total disaster. with anxiety and a crap ton of rheumatology problems (WTF–who doesn’t consider rheumatology a real word?!), keeping the kids alive and safe/knowing where they are and when i need to get them from school is a major win for me.
some days a burst of energy will hit and i can get a dozen things accomplished, but most days involve starting projects that might never be finished and taking 3 or 4 things out of the dishwasher to put away.
I spend most days thinking: “I suck at this game.” Some days it’s “I REALLY suck at this game.” The game being living a productive life of course.
I feel like I live In a bubble. In my bubble I can be as irritated and scared and as sad as I want. I watch the people go through life and as much as I want to reach out and connect, I don’t want to expose myself to the rejection I will end up feeling (real or in my head). I have a few days a month where I feel I totally nailed the day, but secretly fear I forgot something and I will find out I messed up. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for almost 20 years. I have tried ALL the medications and am moderately well controlled. I feel your pain. Somedays you just have to look around at others and ask ‘am I doing this existing thing right?’
As others have said, stop comparing yourself to others and Just. Be. You. Or better yet, Just. Be. Stop looking for The Meaning of Life and just enjoy the Things in Life. You’re over-analysing. I have a Master’s Degree, 2 incredible kids, a great career, etc etc and probably look like one of those shiny happy people from the outside. But I still wake up thinking SHIT how am I going to make it through today. There are boxes in my basement from a move 10 years ago that still have gone unopened. My son got in trouble at school because I forgot to sign a form on time for one of his teachers. My daughter’s 3D cell project that I “helped” her with looks like a set of testicles. I’m perpetually late for appointments. But you know what, I’m not defined by any of those things. I’m good at some things, I suck royally at other things. It’s not an all or nothing thing. You’re not all good or all bad. No one is, even those happy shiny people. Some days you fuck up. Some days you get it right. Some days you do both. Some days you get it right but don’t give yourself credit for it because you’re focusing instead on the stuff you fucked up. (it really isn’t a contest!!!). So you need to Just. Be. and forget all that.
Not just you. I think I feel like a successful human maybe 9 times out of the month. Not even just a successful adult, but a successful human. I think that’s just a part of how life is- especially when you play the comparison game. It’s not fun, it’s not fair, and no one wins.
I can’t say I am entirely normal- I am dealing with a serious medical issue- but then so are you. You mention your anxiety and depression but don’t mention your more physical illnesses. Dealing with physical illness takes a lot of time and energy away from “being good at life”. Because when you think of being good at life you think about having a clean house, perfect hair, beautiful cooked meals etc. Things like “ordering medicine on time” are only considerations when you DON’T do them…except that they still take time and energy.
Anyway, my term for it is that I suck at being an adult (not a person), but I would also say that a good 90% of the time or more (aka, on a good day I will have 1 or 2 moments) I feel like I am a good adult…and then the rest of the time I feel like a total failure. It isn’t just you. It sucks. And I can’t really give advice, because my brain is telling me “see, but YOU really ARE bad at being an adult, so you can’t give advice, because you actually suck, unlike all those other people who are awesome and only THINK they suck”.
I’m trying to work on strategies that keep my from being overwhelmed…but they only work part of the time. And, truthfully. where I am is just barely functional (in terms of paying bills, cleaning house etc.) at best and not functional at worst. I am single and can’t imagine living with someone because I don’t think they could stand to live with someone who is so bad at being an adult….and I don’t mean in a “just mvoed away from home can’t do laundry way”, but in a “room is so messy no one can every see it, either has no food or good going rotten” way.
I’m a 3 to 4 day a month person also where I feel like I contribute to my Friends, My Family, the world in general but my little group of funny crazy Friends started “The Suck Less Club”… What we aim to do is just suck a little less each day. Some days we succeed in sucking less and other days well other days we suck so hard that you would think I can pull someone thru a straw.
Our motto: “If at first you don’t succeed, keep on sucking till you do”
Beth
One of the founding members of TSLC :0)
I think I was given to the wrong family because you could be my twin! I too take meds for anxiety and depression and I recently started therapy again! Some days I can’t get out of bed because I feel like such failure and I cling to my husband and beg him him to tell me again how he can stand to put up with all my craziness, he usually tells me it’s cause he loves my boobies, which gets me laughing and I have found that to be a really great release for me. Also I love messing with my therapist with questions like “do you know that your job title is The Rapist?” It always makes me feel better to get someone who has there shit together all flustered ! I’m not really mean I think it’s just part of my newest label from the doc, borderline personality craziness!
Oh, and that’s Kazimierz Dabrowski not D?browski. The accented “a” didn’t translate.
Now that I am not on my phone I can answer a little bit better. Like I said before, if it wasn’t you asking I wouldn’t even reply about this.
“How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person?” 1 or two days a month I feel really good. Most days, not so much.
“What makes you feel the worst?” If I start to think too much. My brain likes to focus on all the things that are wrong and it starts this vicious downward spiral that I have to be careful not to slip into.
“What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?” I work on my tumblr page. It is like my red dress. I am an intensely private person and putting my pictures or my doodles up are very cathartic.
I consider 3-4 productive days a month to be about normal. Most days the only thing that I accomplish is to continue existing, but I still consider that a win. Especially since I have depression.
And just so you know, every day you accomplish something. You make me feel a little bit better and a little bit more like I DO belong here. And I’m not the only one. Your family, your friends, all your readers. You accomplished the feat of entertaining/consoling/loving them. EVERY. DAMN. DAY.
So bravo, Jenny! Well done.
The truth behind my filtered Instagram pictures: my hair is washed, but I forget to make my kids shower more than twice a week. We own a picnic basket, but we’ve never once used it. I avoid PTO meetings like the plague and only just manage to do the minimum of volunteer hours. I have a dishwasher’s worth of dirty dishes sitting in my sink right now. My baseboards and window sills are gross, I don’t know when was the last time we vacuumed, and if my husband didn’t clean the bathrooms they’d rarely see the Ajax. Very, very few people have pretty pastel lives; they’re only showing you the good parts, and the yucky parts are stuffed in the closets or pushed behind the camera.
As for what your brain is telling you: while I don’t suffer from that particular problem (I have other ones instead!) my husband does, and his brain is forever telling him that his life is worthless and he is going to be fired any minute and no one would notice if he were just gone one day. He is AWESOME at what he does and he has a HUGE impact on other people, and his brain is very wrong. I don’t know how to tell you to turn off your brain any more than I know how to fix his, but I’m writing this now just so you hear that you’re not alone.
I feel like I have accomplished something (been on my game) only about once a week if I am lucky. I understand exactly how you feel. *hug*
Yesterday I burned my arm on the kettle, shattered the tea pot (while it was full of tea,) and stepped on the cat. And that was before I had left the house. Most days I don’t WANT to leave the house, but I know if I don’t, I will immediately become a hermit, and someone will find me weeks later knee-deep in cats and empty diet coke cans, screaming about the GAPING holes in the plotline of Teen Wolf this season.
4 days a month tops. If I can get in one “I’m not that fucked up” day a week, I feel like I’m winning.
I totally understand. I am actually glad to see there are many others besides me who feel the same way.
You are not alone in feeling this way. I think I only feel successful at life 2 days a month and frequently all I do in a day is feed my 2 year old and cuddle with him while we watch Curious George. When I am having good days and get tons done, I don’t tell anyone until they notice and then I claim credit for having done X, Y, or Z that day and not the week before-that way all those credit worthy things that I did in one day get stretched out over a week or so and then I feel like I am fooling people into believing I am useful and successful at life.
I recently realized that hope can go a long way as well. Legitimate hope makes my nearly giddy-and I try to cling to that hope of feeling better as long as I can. My mom recently took me to a Doctor of Chinese Medicine-a very kind and blunt white girl from Idaho, I didn’t believe she would have any new ideas for my crap load of problems but the treatment can feel like a deep tissue massage so I figured what the heck. The greatest this she did was give me validation, she didn’t know me and the first thing she mentioned was that she could tell I was running on empty and not just physically but emotionally as well. Not one of my doctors over the years had ever paid that much attention to me or what the cause of my problems could be just prescribing stuff to treat symptoms-which, don’t get me wrong, is crazy helpful but after so many years of just staying on this plateau and not even leaning towards improvement I wanted to try something different. She also said that I didn’t make enough red blood cells, which just made so much sense instantly, my doctors over the years had run every test on me but not one of them really looked at me – I’m chronically exhausted, I developed asthma after giving birth at 25, severe depression because of how crappy I feel all the time and how no matter what I do I cant lose any of the baby weight from 1.3 pregnancies after 2.5 years, anxiety about being a terrible mom because I never feel strong enough to take my super energetic boy to the park or anywhere else that is not fenced in because if he runs off I can’t catch him.
I asked her how she could tell because I wanted to know how so other doctors missed this idea that instantly resonated with me, she gave me legitimate hope of maybe being a little bit better at life. Her answers seemed like it should have been obvious to every medical person ever but somehow no one noticed and not a single test picked it up. If I may, let me break down the thoughts that exploded through my mind; Not enough red blood cells= not enough oxygen which explains developing asthma at 25 and absurdly low energy, she also added that my body thought it was in starvation mode so I wasn’t losing any weight because of my blood as well. This was only a week ago but it has been a slightly better week because of hope from trying something new.
Hope is a powerful thing, I’m hopeful that doing a few things differently to build up my red blood cells will maybe double or triple my good days a month. But if not I am happy that I haven’t given up on myself. I have never tried Chinese medicine before but what I was trying wasn’t changing my situation anymore, I was as good as I could be with the generalized care that some doctors rely on. And I am staying on everything they have put me on but I am adding a few new things to see if that helps my body heal too.
What I guess I am trying to say is, I suck at life, I feel like I am constantly letting down my husband and our little boy but I don’t want to be this way so I keep trying. I think not giving up completely helps me, some days I still give up on that particular day but I always know it isn’t permanent. Have hope and when its bad remember that it isn’t always that way and if an idea comes about your condition that resonates with you trust yourself because you know you best.
Those perfect seeming people are on a different wavelength than we are. That doesn’t make them better or worse, it just makes them different.
Most days, I feel like the biggest loser on the planet. I’m going back to school to finish the degree I started 15 years ago and I feel like a loser for it. It doesn’t matter that going back to school is one of those things that I should feel good about; my brain tells me “If you weren’t such a loser, you would have finished over a decade ago.”
If I clean the kitchen, I feel like shit because I didn’t also do the laundry. If I do the kitchen and the laundry, I feel like shit because I didn’t run errands. If I managed to bend space and time to accomplish everything on my chore list, I’d still feel like shit because I could have been better. That’s what my mom told me every day of my life growing up. No matter my accomplishment, I could have been better. The voice in my head telling me I could have been better won’t shut the fuck up. I can muffle it a bit with antidepressants and spousal reassurance (he’s got similar feelings about himself), but they don’t completely go away.
I see someone like you, Jenny, and I wonder how in the fuck I can ever be as awesome as you are. I look at you and see someone who has her shit together. I mean, Wil Wheaton collates paper for you! I can’t even work up the effort to finish one of the half dozen blog posts I have sitting in my drafts so I can finally update my damn blog. I haven’t posted in months. Some days, putting on pants to walk to the mail box is a victory.
So, basically, I understand. We’re all a bit mental here. Even those perfect PTA moms are mental. They’re just faking it a little better.
Which makes absolutely no sense since my other comment is in moderation. 🙂
I only have mild anxiety and I have these issues all the time. I do talk about them and find that many people do as well.
I basically spend each night thinking how I screwed up the day.
And I look at pictures of you all the time and wish I was as wonderful as you . Not handing you a compliment, but I only know your internet self – the person that is prettier, more accomplished and ten thousand times funnier than me.
Lately I’ve felt like a complete disaster everyday. My depression is completely out of control, though. I’m going to work on getting that somewhat taken care of next week. Woo! Meds!
I work at a job that I am in some ways over-qualified for and in many ways under-qualified for and that makes me crazy. Plus, a year or so ago I was getting constant compliments, but now the age group I service isn’t needing as much servicing… so, I feel left behind. It makes it hard.
This is all to say, you are normal. We’re all a little bit broken.
I’m 22 years old and currently living back at home (for a multitude of reasons) and the things that always make me feel worse are seeing other people my age already contributing to the world. They’re all suiting up and getting engaged and my life is pretty much pajamas at this point. I have pretty bad anxiety so things like phone calls are nearly impossible. But about a week ago I actually got on the phone and called somebody and I haven’t stopped bragging about it since. People think I’m crazy for calling that an accomplishment, but it is for me. Since then my most impressive achievements were putting on pants two days in a row and killing a bug in my basement. I guess the things that keep me feeling successful are the little wins… and a LOT of denial about the general holding pattern that is my life right now. I look ahead, but not far enough to feel overwhelmed. I read your book or blog or talk to people who I know care about me (occasionally shamelessly fishing for compliments to make myself feel needed). Overall there is usually about a week each month where life is less of a struggle and I feel like an actual person.
PS My freshman English teacher in high school told us that writers have a special license to make up their own words. I know you said didn’t want us to tell you how fabulous you are, but I’m going to and you’re just going to have to deal with it. You are a fantastic writer and have impacted mine and so many other people’s lives so you should be allowed to fill an entire dictionary with words you make up if you want to. Therefore, arsonistic is totally real. I just added it to my Google chrome dictionary. So there.
I often feel like I’m faking it. Like, is this really me acting like an adult and doing adultish things? I’m married and have children and own a house? How did this happen? And, holy crap, I’m going on 40 years old??
I feel like I’m faking it because I am visually impaired and my husband is a diabetic on dialysis. We are both legally disabled. I don’t have a “real” “paying” job and he only works a little. Whatever “success” we have is in large part due to government assistance and the generosity of our loved ones. If I’m being judgemental of myself, that is.
In all actuality, we are successful because we have a good marriage of 15 years, are raising decent kids, are good people and give back where and when we can. See, that’s how we ought to measure success. Or, we should measure success by whatever is most important to us. Not by what we think others think is successful.
Less than a year ago I began therapy for the very first time. It is helping me so much. Also, getting older and dropping the need to compare myself to others. Probably you need to stop doing that too.
I’m lucky if I get a week out of a month in non-consecutive days that I feel like Hey I kicked ass, or hey I was successful today.
What makes me feel the worst? When someone asks me w hat I do for a living. I’ve been unemployed for a whopping 2 months now. It’s driving me nuts because of the restrictions I have and trying to appeal and get Federal disability I know I’ll never work again. Nothing more than 10 hours a week or so. That…kills me. I never knew something could kick in your depression and anxiety and ADHD all at once. But that one question does. I just want to try and freak out and change the subject to anything else all at once.
To make myself feel successful, I have convinced my husband to give me praise (even a simple good girl) if I manage to do the dishes, or a load of laundry or ANYTHING around the house. Hell if I’m really good and get more than 3 things done I get to have special coffee! THAT makes me feel accomplished!
This is a common thing called the Imposter Syndrome, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome. I am a female scientist and apparently we suffer from it more than our male counterparts do. (Sorry if this was said already, I don’t have time to read all the comments!)
Count me in Jen. i can be a very creative person, so my moments of brilliance make me think I should be out there creating shit! But then my chronic condition gives me a pain day, and that’s all she wrote. I spend the day napping and pretending I’m being creative by pinning all this fabulous crap on Pinterest. Ooh, I’m going to make this. And this. And this. But then I noticed Pinterest is only pretending to be creative, and not actually BEING creative. Not quite the same thing, right? Then creativity day hits me again, and I’m in the kitchen rockin’ it. The only problem with creating in the kitchen is that your masterpiece is doomed to be eaten by a hubby simply grunting his appreciation. I know I could make some fabulous *thing* if I just tried harder! You know, crafty stuff that people can actually see and enjoy!
To start, I also have anxiety, depression, ADHD, take your pick of the alphabet and I’ve probably got that disorder.
I feel exactly as you do. I would say, one day a week average, I feel like I accomplished real life like other people. The other days, actually getting out of bed is my biggest accomplishment. I start things and then they fall through the cracks, or I get over it, or there just isn’t enough time because I’m already overwhelmed from driving home from work and the only thing I can do is make sure I eat. I have a gigantic stack of pictures that need to be put into photo books, I’ve got thousands of pictures waiting to be edited on my SD card, I have a list of people who need thank you notes and will never get them. I’m a stepmom – I only have to parent part-time and even that is sometimes overwhelming.
I look down on myself for *EVERY SINGLE ONE* of my failures. If I could only be a better person, maybe things would get done. I’d have scrapbooks of my kid. I’d have cute matching-outfit family pictures done every quarter. I’d write thank you notes the day the thanking needed to be done. I’d edit those pictures and I’d take more and edit those, too. I’d always be there for my kid and not hide in my sanctuary for 6 hours a day. If only I could do more. If only I weren’t so selfish. If only I had more energy or more drive or more *something* maybe I could be one of those really great people and instead, I put myself down, which drives my depression deeper, which makes me put myself down more.
I wish I had a solution. Or good advice. Or some fucking miracle drug to make it better. But I take what they give me, and I fake a happy face through the day so I can get home and barricade myself in.
I don’t suffer from depression although every doctor I have gone to since my daily migraines started 4 1/2 years ago thinks I should be suffering from depression and it is only the many psychiatrists and one neuropsychiatrist who seem to believe me when I say I don’t suffer from depression. I am also not trying to say I have it worse than you because I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia coupled with migraines and IBS-A because honestly when I read your posts about depression and the comments from others with depression I do wonder sometimes how people manage to go so long with depression. My mother has had it since childhood and while I have always been proud of her for fighting it for so long, this blog has helped me to understand a little better (since I don’t believe someone who has never suffered from depression can truly understand what it is like) just how hard she has been fighting.
So now let me tell you a little about what my good days are like:
On a good day I remember to eat and then brush my teeth and then put on makeup and if I think I will actually be awake for 12 hours I try to test an eye shadow for my makeup review site I created with the expressed purpose of helping me remember what makeup I liked and what makeup I should not have my husband buy any more of for me. http://makingupmymindaboutmakeup.blogspot.com/ – my website. In my intro I even stated that the blog will probably go silent from time to time because I just can’t review anything or post anything.
Even if I don’t think I will be awake long enough to review something, I still try and get makeup on so long as my arms are working and I can tolerate enough light to actually see to put the makeup on. When that happens I try and take a picture of the makeup with special lights we bought so I could be sure I was getting a color correct picture because my dad owns a camera store and damn it I am good at photography. http://makingupmymindaboutmakeup.tumblr.com/ – my daily makeup blog. Most days my makeup is on for less time than it took me to apply which ranges anywhere from 1 hour to 2 hours depending on how much my arms hurt to hold up and whether or not my hands cramp in the process of trying to hold all of the brushes.
If I am really feeling ambitious I will put on a sexy black and white dress I bought one day when I ordered my husband out of the store so I could by something for him for his birthday without him seeing it; he had to give me the money to buy his present because I cannot hold down a job due to the every day nature of this pain and the side effects it has that are not even pain related like frequent days where I cannot read because text will float across the screen and make me want to vomit, but oddly can type because I have been doing it so long and don’t need to look at the screen, to days where I don’t know how to process words and have to communicate with my husband by pointing to my mouth to let him know I am hungry. It took me two hours and a weeks worth of being unable to use my arms or hands because they hurt so much afterwards, but I bought the dress to wear for his birthday. I now use it like one of your traveling red dresses to clean in because I think the idea of cleaning in a sexy cocktail dress with full makeup and earing is hysterical and every one should try it once in a while. My cleaning is usually limited to things I can do sitting like folding a few pieces of clothing, never a whole load, or straightening the magazines on our coffee table, that is about as much as I can do. And when I have done that when my husband comes home, he will praise me like the entire house is immaculate because he knows just how much that cleaning could potentially cost me after I have completed it and for how many days I could be paying for being so ambitious.
If I make it through the cleaning okay, I might remember diner, I most likely won’t, my husband generally has to help me with getting that and deciding what it should be because if I have done that much during the day my brain is typically shot and decision making is no longer an option. The rest of my day is spent listening to YouTube videos, not really watching them because too much screen time hurts my head, or if the sounds coming from the videos hurts my head I will sit in the middle of my bedroom and pull a drawer open that holds my massive quantity of makeup, way more than any one person, even a makeup artist would need, and stare at it. If I arms and hands are still working at all I will try and straighten the drawer or open an eye shadow and swatch it on my hands and arms and sometimes legs because I love colorful things. I have all of this makeup because when my husband realized how much having something I could do, even if using it amounted to no more than looking at it and thinking about it, no matter how bad I was unless I was in level 10 migraine mode because at that point all light is bad and thinking about anything is impossible, he went completely overboard on buying as much as he could because he knows how much I love colorful things and organizing. And obviously he wants to do as much as he can to help me not because depressed.
Then, I clean my face, sometimes with a makeup remover wipe and nothing more if my arms and hands now hurt to much, sometimes I go through the whole process of the makeup remover wipe and then the actual facial wash because a makeup remover wipe doesn’t really get your face clean. Then my husband will help me with a shower. He has to get me into the tub and generally he has to be the one to bathe me, get me out of the tub, and then dry me off and get me dressed. Fortunately I really like seeing him naked so I get more joy out of the shower with him than I do embarrassment over the fact that my husband has to bathe in order to make sure it actually happens because I have gone up to a week without showering when he has had really long days at work and was just too tired to help me and I have wait until his days off.
Then I go to bed and believe that tomorrow will be the day I wake up and I am healthy again and will never have to deal with such an unproductive day again.
That was a good day, now on to a normal day.
I wake up, six hours later I might remember to eat. What I do in those first six hours I am not always totally sure of, my memory is pretty bad, that is why I write the review blog so I can remind myself what I thought of things. I think I generally start a youtube playlist of something The Sims related and just let it run until I realize I am hungry and probably should have eaten hours ago. Then I spend the next couple hours trying to remember to brush my teeth because I try very hard not to put on makeup until after I have brushed my teeth which sometimes works, but not always, because my desire to put on makeup is very high, and I use it to remind me to brush my teeth which is something I barely remember to do. Sometimes it is a whole week before I remember to brush them.
Then I will put my makeup on, maybe not all of the steps, but any step is better than no steps. If I get makeup on my face I consider it a good and productive day because honestly there are days when my arms and hands hurt so much I can’t even pull open the drawers to look at the makeup, which is why some of it is sitting out on display so I don’t have to. Then I will do my best to get the picture and post it to my daily makeup tumblr. Then I usually completely loose time and I don’t know what has happened. I know I am not blacking out because I don’t wake up on the floor, but it can be an hour or more of just staring off into space because the effort of the makeup and posting about it completely uses up my brains mental capacity for the day and I cannot think. When this happens there is usually a migraine coming but because I am so unaware of that fact I cannot anticipate it. Once it starts though I will wash off my makeup with a makeup remover wipe and then hide in my bedroom with the curtains down to block off all light and sit in the center of the floor in the middle of the makeup and try to think about the makeup, my two cats, my husband, anything happy, while also trying to keep my face as soft as possible because when my face tenses up during a migraine it just makes it worse, if I can keep it soft enough, I can usually avoid the level 9/10 migraines and it doesn’t go above level 8, doesn’t always work, but based on my doctors reactions, you would be amazed at how well I tolerate a level 8 migraine and for how long.
No showers on these days because the water hitting my skin can actually make the pain worse. I also probably wasn’t walking for most of the day, but crawling because I get massively dizzy when in pain.
Sleep only comes with exhaustion, because as I am sure you know it is really hard to fall asleep when you are in pain. Some times it takes a couple of days before I get exhausted enough, and sometimes I have to take Benadryl to make me fall asleep because I have been in pain too long and it is too high and that is the only way to escape it. Sometimes I fall asleep in the bathroom because between the pain in my head and in my body I will start vomiting and I would rather do that into a toilet than a bucket.
But I always believe that tomorrow will be the day I wake up and I am healthy again and will never have to deal with such an unproductive day again.
Now for the worst days:
I don’t get out of bed. My husband kisses me goodbye in the morning before leaving for work and finds me still in bed when he returns 12 hours later. My pillow is probably wet from crying due to the level of pain I am in which can be anywhere from just a level 10 migraine, to body pain in the back, legs or arms, or all three (fortunately that is rare) possibly with a migraine of one of the higher levels. If I have left the bed I crawled because I cannot stand up due to dizziness caused by pain and probably lack of food, which I totally do not want to eat because I will probably vomit if I do and I really don’t like vomiting. Then my husband finds me on the floor of the bedroom because once out of bed on these days there is no way for me to get back in. We keep pillows and blankets on the floor just in case. He helps me back into bed and gives me Benadryl and I pray that it is strong enough to knock me out for a little while so I can escape the pain of the day.
I think the only thing that has kept me from depression or any other mental illness, because every doctor I have seen says I would be totally justified in having one by now, is my incredible poor memory that has been the bane of my existence since childhood. I have almost no perception of time and I have zero memory of the pain that I have felt, I only am aware of the pain that I am in that moment so some how my brain is scrubbing out the pain memories and just leaving me with the surrounding events. We think that is why I will not remember something for several months sometimes after it has happened, but will one day recall it perfectly, although without the pain, just the event itself.
My mom thinks I was born with IBS, so perhaps part of the reason I deal with pain so well is because I have always had some level of pain every day, just from eating, which is probably also why I have such a bland and small selection of foods I will eat. I don’t really remember it as IBS, I have just always needed the bathroom for at least 30 minutes after a meal, sometimes two or three times after a meal and I just thought that was normal because that is how it always was.
Prior to the migraines I had a job I enjoyed because I was helping people, I was earning decent money, we probably would own our own home now if I could still do that job instead of renting. My boss loved me because I could do the work of two people because I was so focused and able to stay on task for the whole work day, although they would have to remind me to have lunch because food has never been a priority in my life. I would take to the train, ride the train, and then walk to work so I was getting at least an hour, if not two hours of exercise every work day depending on whether or not my husband actually drove me to the train. And I could go shopping on my own.
Now I cannot even leave the house on my own. Everything that I have gotten since that first migraine 4 1/2 years ago has been because my husband bought it for, minus that one time I kicked him out of the store and nearly destroyed the joints in my arms a fingers out of sheer determination to be able to give him a birthday surprise. I have to use a wheel chair when we leave the house or I will be on the ground after 2 minutes of walking. I now weigh just over 200 pounds, I was 125 when I first met my husband. My husband now has to shave my head once a month because if my hair gets longer than 1/2 an inch the scalp pain that isn’t even associated with the migraines will cause me to start vomiting and not be able to sleep because it gets so high, my hair used to be half way down my back, now I wish for the day when I can have hair long enough to have actual bangs; I’m no longer hoping for a foot, just a couple of inches would be enough.
I actually think my pain causes my husband more distress than me because he sees it and remembers it where as I am barely am aware that it has been going on so long. I only know it has been 4 1/2 years because he has to tell the doctors so often because apparently none of them look at their notes and want the whole history repeated with every visit, like they think one day I will slip up and tell them a different version and they can prove it is all in my head (my GP has actually told me she thinks it is also in my head, I think my neuropsychiatrist disagrees with her because he has been trying to find a quicker way to get me to see multiple professions that might be able to help me).
I went to one of your book signing on the last tour, and no I don’t expect you to remember me, I had a migraine that day and my husband had been giving me Advil all day because that is the only actual pain medicine I can take without causing major side effects, but only if I don’t take more than four pills a month because it does start to cause me anxiety if I do, so that I would be able to make it through the reading. We both wore red shirts because I didn’t have a red dress and I specifically picked the one that own that says inspired and when you signed my audio book cover for me I was so happy because you thanked us both for wearing red shirts. On the drive home I was in so much pain I was in tears, but I was so happy because we had met you and you had understood why we wore red shirts even without us saying anything. It was the highlight of my month and it took me even longer to write a thank you post http://makingupmymindaboutmakeup.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-traveling-red-dress-and-bloggess.html for starting the traveling red dress.
I have never been happy about the fact that I am now so unproductive every single day of the year since that first migraine. But considering how many times I have tried to fight beyond the pain and keep doing things that made me feel product and then how much and how long I had to pay for that fight, I have learned to accept that I had to lower my level of expectation of what I can do every day because this illness was not my choice and I didn’t do anything to myself to cause it. I exercised, I eat decently well, lots of fruit and salads, the occasional unhealthy meal, but I have never had alcohol, I have never smoked, I have never done any kind of drugs. I have always considered myself to be a good person. I have several people I consider friends and liked my co-workers. There was no reason for this to happen, other than a hyperactive nerve system that had been affecting my digestive system for years and when it switched the year before the migraines from IBS-D to IBS-A is when my focus started to go down hill. If I just had headaches I could still work, but being unable to focus and having migraines and body pain is what stops me. I am going to see a GI doctor who specializes in IBS at the end of the year and we are going to try and see if we can find a better way to manage the IBS and also see if he would be willing to test for other digestive problems because when I got the IBS diagnoses the whole digestive track had not been looked at, because it does seem like all of this came about because my digestive tract does not work properly and if we could fix that I might get at least some of my life back.
Every morning I do not have a migraine, even if I do have body pain, I wake up thinking I am healthy and will never have to deal with the migraines again and start my day as if that is the truth, and it isn’t even something I have to force myself to do, it is just part of my nature to think every day is going to be a great day. It rarely takes very long to be reminded that is not the case, but I always go to sleep, when I have control of when I go to sleep, thinking tomorrow will be the day that I am healthy and will never have to deal with pain again. Maybe I am a fool to think that way, but I would rather be a fool and happy than to have to fight depression, which I know is a very real possibility on top of all this, and again, I think it is just part of my nature to think everything will work out in the end.
So no, I don’t think your lack of being productive every day is a bad thing. You deal with shit I can’t even imagine. I would not wish what you deal with on my worst enemy if I had an enemy. I know you don’t want complements but I genuinely think you are an amazing person and way stronger than me because you fight your own brain daily in a battle for your life as well as the RA and any other medical problems I probably don’t remember that you have. So if all you do is make it to the bank than good for you. If all you can do is get yourself dressed that day, then good for you.
Sometimes our bodies put limits on us our hearts have a hard time excepting and that we believe are way lower than we should be able to do, but they are there and they are not our choice. Whether it be a mental illness or a physical one, we did not do this to ourselves, we are not just being lazy, we are dealing with shit other people who don’t have to deal with it cannot even comprehend. I know mental illness is not something you can just get over any more than I can just decide to run a mile at this point in my health. But we keep fighting and we keep trying and we have to applaud ourselves for every victory no matter how small that victory may seem, because as far as I am concerned, a victory is a victory no matter how small. So if remembering to brush your teeth in the morning is a victory for you, act like it. Pat yourself on the back and smile if possible. Know that you did something good for yourself by brushing your teeth. If you haven showered in a week and you finally manage to get yourself into the shower and take that shower, pat yourself on the back and try to smile, you did something good for yourself by showering.
You know, probably better than the rest of us that there are so many people dealing with things that make every day life a challenge because whether it is mental or physical, we all some how find our way here and find a community of people who deal with the same kind of shit even if it isn’t the exact same thing, and it makes us feel a little better knowing we aren’t the only one who hasn’t showered for a week or brushed our teeth or hasn’t gotten out of bed because we are not just lazy, we are dealing with shit no one should have to deal with, but unfortunately some of us do.
Sadly I cannot read what I have written to make sure this actually makes sense or not, but I hope there is something in here that might help your, or maybe one of the other commenters. At the very least it has reminded myself that I am not lazy, I just deal with shit I didn’t bring on myself, that stops me from doing what I would rather be doing like holding down a job and having a life beyond the walls of my home without having to rely on my husband to make that happen. I love my husband, but he should not have to be my only way of leaving my home.
So no, I don’t think you are lazy, I think you are a god damn warrior fighting a battle not everyone will over come and that may last a life time. No wonder you feel tired all the time. Fighting is hard and you are fighting for your life which is the hardest kind of fight there is.
I think it’s funny that me and another Heather were posting at exactly the same time. 🙂
It sounds so cliche to say, “you’re not alone”….but you’re not. I beat myself up constantly and my husband gets frustrated with me when I can’t accept his compliments. I made a similar rant on FB once and had a friend say to me that what you see on Facebook is what people WANT you to see. It’s the bright and shiny version of reality. (same goes for f’ing Pintrest – there’s no way a “real” working mom can keep up with all that shit!). I know I’m rambling, but I say this to you: I appreciate you. I look forward to your stories – the fun, the sad and the “this is my reality right now”. You make me feel human…that I’m not alone. And for that, I am forever grateful I found your blog and you. I’m glad you’re here!
I would guess about a quarter of the time I’m totally pumped with who I am. I haven’t accomplished a huge amount nor do I have huge ambitions, but about a week of a month I feel really proud of myself and can see all the little things that make me the person I am. I feel motivated to get things done and move and see people and eat and laugh. When I feel this way I can consider my faults and weirdness and appreciate my individuality.
About half the time I feel fairly ambivalent… like you, I feel like I am a good person, but I wonder if I’m the sort of person I’d want to be friends with. I’m fairly unmotivated at this stage, often just going through the motions and getting through the day, exhausted by the time I get home from work.
The other quarter of the month I spend on the verge of panic. I am suddenly aware of how bad a friend, sister, daughter, employee, girlfriend, and person I am – I notice the quilt I started two years ago and never seem to be able to finish, I remember the friend who was supposed to call me back but didn’t (so obviously has realized what a waste of time I am), I remember the project at work I haven’t finished (so of course, dismissal is imminent). I see how much effort needs to be applied to my life, but have no energy or motivation to start; the tasks are too overwhelming. Trying to be cheerful when I’m in a funk, even just trying to smile, seems impossible.
The ebb and flow has changed throughout my life – I felt in the past few months that I’ve had more happy, contented times, and fewer sad, anxious times. Unfortunately the past couple of weeks I have spent more than a couple of days barely able to get myself out of bed to get even a glass of water much less eat or reach out to friends. It sucks. But I feel like I’m starting to shake it off… I always feel somewhat invigorated by the back-to-school energy this time of year, in spite of being many years past that stage – feels like a fresh start.
P.S. I met you at a book signing and was so excited to tell you how much I love you and how much your blog means to me (particularly articles like this that remind me, and obviously loads of others, that we’re not alone in this)… I even got up the courage to go alone when my friend couldn’t make it (a big deal for me – usually I grab hold of any excuse to cancel on plans and stay in my pyjamas). I was close to the back of the line to get my book signed and waited well over an hour to meet and get a picture with you – and then my phone died about 2 minutes before it was my turn. I was so close to tears I couldn’t say anything aside from thank you, then I sprinted home. Totally worth it, you were awesome.
I think it’s something that we don’t talk about it. I can’t say how many days are good days because most aren’t. I feel like a failure since I don’t own a house, don’t have a job, and I’m in my 40s. In my mind it doesn’t matter that I was laid off from my job and have medical reasons that I don’t have one. I feel guilty for not doing more around my house, for not exercising/losing weight, for not liking the things that all the magazines say I should like. I hate shopping because I can never put together awesome outfits. One of the things that makes me feel better? Coming to this website. Because it puts a smile on my face and makes me feel less alone in the world. It helps to have someone willing to be honest about how they feel and show us that we aren’t the weird ones. Okay we may be weird but we are awesomely weird and we probably outnumber the folks that have it together. We always seem to see the great parts in others and the not so great parts of ourselves.
I’m bipolar with anxiety and extra depression thrown in. I’m a mom and a recently-returned-to-college student. The now-being-a-student part is because I totally failed the first time through. I always feel like I’m failing or drowning. Maybe 3-4 days a month, I feel like I’m ok. Most of the time, I’m terrified of the results of whatever I’m doing, because I know I’m not doing as well as I want to. There’s a woman I went to high school with who is a student, a full-time teacher, a mom and a wife. AND she finds time to work out. I find myself comparing me to her all the time. I’m heavily medicated, and yet that feels like a failure because my mom tells me I shouldn’t have to be medicated. Every time I take my meds, morning and night and mid-day and afternoon, I think of that. I’m a failure for not losing weight the NORMAL way and getting gastric bypass surgery. Every time I step on the scale, even if the numbers are lower than the last time, I feel like a failure because I couldn’t do it on my own. My heart is heavy with all my failures, and the successes are NOT piling up.
You are not alone.
Every morning I sit down and write ten things I am grateful for. Then I write ten more things that aren’t really here yet, but I’m grateful because they will be here (like “thank you for the money for the trip”, etc.) When I’m in the car I say things out loud that I’m thankful for (thank you for the car running, thank you for the money coming in, thank you for my daughter being safe on her trip, thank you for my relationships (naming each person).
At the end of the day I stop and pick the best thing that happened that day and take time to be glad about it.
It’s a hard habit to get into, but I FEEL better.
2 days a month… maybe.
It’s taken me two years to actually organize the room I moved into; and that is not counting the clean laundry that mostly occupies the armchair never reaching the wardrobe.
I have this amazing trait that I am able to go to work and somehow work even if I feel bad mentally or physically. Even though I have a job I got by accident and I hate it to the point that when I think on weekend of going back on Monday I feel nauseous. I should be working on my portfolio to be able to change the job but when I go home I feel weak and I feel weak because I tend to punish myself by not eating and cutting on sleep which makes me even weaker and sick at times… and I look at colleagues at work who do sports and are healthy and happy and I look at my friends who are younger than me and great artists already and productive and it makes me feel bad. I am not pretty and not slim and not happy and I feel guilty for hating my job because I actually HAVE a job and it pays more than a minimum wage and I feel even stupid for typing this….
I feel like I don’t really know anything and like I never accomplished anything. Ever. I feel like everybody around is having interesting lives and achieving things and I’m just looking at it. A couple of years ago I went abroad to scholarship and I spend most of the time (outside of classes) hiding in my room instead of integrating. I feel like every time someone is praising something I did it’s because they pity me and are trying to be nice.
And then I look for something and stumble upon things that remind me I actually did stuff. Awards from High school for Physics competitions. Heaps of drawings I don’t remember doing. Karategi. Published comic.
And the worst part is I smile and pretend everything is OK, I tell my parents I’m fine… I am not, I am in pieces. I can go to work, I can put on clean clothes (even if it’s been a close call for a couple of months when it comes to having clean undearwear; just tonight I had to make emergency laundry because I am in my last pair) but cleaning my room (or our kitchen or bathroom) is beyond me most of the time… and it’s hard to explain, even if my roommates know I have problems. Actually if not for them I might have destroyed myself completely; they keep tabs on me whether I sleep and eat enough.
And it probably sounds weird but I do more-less well at my job and try not to be late because it would be only easier at first but it would be more trouble in the long run.
Recently I’ve been eating better and sleeping more and it got a bit better but now I’ve broken my sleeping schedule and the feelings come back. Also I’ve been thinking a lot and I know I have to fix years of conditioning by my parents who generally convinced me that anything I want to do or do is worthless and everybody else does worthwhile/interesting stuff.
As for other people I realized that some of them pretend they are happy or pretend they are Adults. Some of them feel good as adults. But most of other people also don’t have all their shit together only it’s often in places you don’t see. And years of trying to be Proper Adults seriously hurt both my parents AND me by association. I am 28 now and I am trying to relearn how to live; not live according to some arbitrary rules and true to myself – even though I need to discover what that means first.
Uh, I don’t know if that makes sense for anyone but me. I’m in a strange place now; I am kind of crawling out of ‘what if I went to sleep and woke up half a year later, maybe I’d have strength and the world would stop being a terrible place” and thinking clearly when I think I can make it but I really NEED to quit my job.. (and I actually decided on it only so I could move out of my parents’ because the place became too toxic – not because my parents are bad people but because they are also tied by the image how the Proper Life should look like and it was destroying me).
Sorry if this is chaotic, I’m only grazing the surface and I haven’t really told about some of those things yet to anybody but somehow I feel I need to. Even if my words paint a false picture here I hope the feeling of it is true.
I feel successful and good at life only when I get done physical tasks either at work or on my farm. So for example, stacking firewood makes me feel good. Now any creative endeavor like writing is plagued with self doubt and writers block and feeling that I am big fat failure at everything ever. This is a pretty solid and sharp distinction becasue I (and I can’t speak for anyone else here) feel like my creative outputs are always open to negativity whereas my physical labor is always open to praise.
I think part of it is social, and part of it is learned but nonetheless it appears to be how I am wired.
It’s a tough one because while I don’t actively think I suck most of the time, I don’t have an awfully good opinion of myself either. Objectively I know I’m pretty good at my job and that I get most of the stuff done that you need to in order to function as an adult I still feel like I’m behind the 8 ball some how, that I’m missing out on something or there’s something I’ve forgotten to do.
I mainly feel like everyone got the memo on ‘how to be an adult’ and I missed it. I also worry most of the time that people don’t like me and I really wish I could turn it off and just not care but I really do. Combine that with the fact I haven’t achieved what I wanted to by the time I was 30 – and I’m nearly 34.
Mix all together with a dash of anxiety disorder and a side order of depression (I’m ok at the moment but it’s always lurking) and you’ve got an crappy feeling little insomniac.
Huh. I never actually stopped and thought about it like that.
Thinking about it.. Easiest way I can benchmark it, I started a new job on the first working day of July. In the two and a bit months since, I’ve thought “Yeah, I totally kicked ass today!” a grand total of.. twice. Once when I gave a talk about some software I wanted us to start using, and once when I solved an abstruse problem after almost a solid day of worrying at it.
The other days.. I just coast along, and mostly am bored. I haven’t had any major bouts with depression since I figured out what works for me, for which I’m grateful. But I do spend a large part of my time demotivated and bored.
I use routine a lot. I go the the gym first thing in the morning so I don’t get to the afternoon and think “Can’t be bothered”; I buy lunch every day because it forces me to go for a walk to the shop in the middle of the day.
I’d genuinely never stopped to think about how many days I feel like I was a success. But the answer is: Not many, mostly I feel like I’m just coasting along and trying to make the best of it.
YANA.
I don’t think there’s a single day that I feel successful. Moments yes, but those are quickly smooshed by the list of things I cannot accomplish. I have an unbalanced view of myself. I can function very well M-T, but if I have to cancel something on Friday, there goes the entire week. That one negative outweighs all the positives. This is partially my natural bent, and a whole lot of conditioning. I do ACT, Acceptance And Commitment Therapy, and it helps me. I’m a slow learner, but I am trying.
Also, comparison is the thief of joy. Some old president said that. And it’s true. And many days I simply refuse to read Twitter or look at FB or Pinterest, because so often folks are sharing their best, and I am only seeing my worst. That’s not a good combination. So those days I just bury my face in Candy Crush and hope someday I’ll feel better. XO
You are TOTALLY not alone. I am constantly comparing my hair or clothes to other people and it’s all total bullshit. Some people have just gotten better at hiding the fact that they don’t have their life together. I almost never get the dishes done or the house cleaned or dinner made. Usually my husband does that shit because he’s awesome. Life is fucking hard and some people are just better at getting the little things done-like having kickass hair-because it makes them feel better.
You’re all good. Don’t even worry about it. Having a kickass speller kid that isn’t going to grow up and bring a gun to school is way more awesome than going to PTA meetings without gravy on your pants. Just saying.
I have imposter syndrome too. I only learned the name of that recently. I feel like failure most of the time too. I don’t talk about it though because then people are like, “oh but you are so pretty, so smart, so funny, etc.” and that actually makes me feel worse. Cognitive therapy has done a lot to help me but those feelings are still there. I really only have 3-4 days a month where I really feel like I’m doing a good job in my life in general.
I would love to tell you that you are amazing (and I think you are from what I know) but none of us here really know you. What I can say is that you are most definitely not alone. I am 31 and I have 3 girls (7, 9, and 11) I have also been married for almost 13 years now. I address this very issue with myself on a daily basis. There are so many people on my friends list posting updates about how they got their workout in, did their grocery shopping, paid all their bills, cleaned their house, painted their fucking room, did an entire DIY landscaping, and are now going to take their kids to their various activities after cooking a 3 course meal all while look fucking fabulous and all I can think is…. “Did I brush my teeth this morning?” I was diagnosed Bi polar when I was pregnant with my oldest. After my youngest was born the anxiety set it. Now driving them to school is enough to send me over the edge. I frequently hide un my kitchen table, in bathroom stalls, in other people’s bathrooms, or even sit in my car for hours before deciding to just go home. There however is a difference between you and I. You reach millions of people every week, your words have power and you use them for good. People are alive today because of words you have written. I know that’s heavy and can feel like a giant weight on your shoulders but it is a good thing. When I can’t handle things I read your book so I can laugh and know that I am not alone. So, there is no way you have failed at life. If anything you should be given an award for being a kick ass motherfucker.
I would say that this is something that everyone deals with, but no one actually talks about. I don’t think I have ever thought to count how many days I actually feel like I am accomplishing something, but really I can say it is pretty low maybe 3 or 4 days. Mainly I struggle with dealing with not having a “person”, you know that someone you call or text just to shoot the shit with or vent to about your crappy or happy day. (I always wish I had a Christina to my Meredith; got to love Greys Anatomy) To me that is the hardest struggle and it can make you feel like you aren’t doing anything with your life when you don’t have someone to share the details with. So we feel like this feeling of being alone trumps any of the daily accomplishments making it harder to see the good things we are doing for ourselves. This is also something that no one talks about, no one wants to admit that they feel friendless.
But I would say that for you taking the time to spend with your daughter no matter what you two are doing is a great way to know that you are doing what you need to do for you. It just may be hard to see when you are rummaging through all the darkness. And your situation kind of reminds me of this blog I just read yesterday from Nicole over at LifeLessBullshit.com titled What are you chasing? Maybe check that out and see if it sheds some light on the subject.
So, there are already a TON of comments here which I’m sure are encouraging and brave and honest. I can’t even begin to think I’ll say something original, but still I want to say something.
First, when I start to get down and self-deprecating, I stop washing my hair. I’ve learned to see that as a *sign* – OMG here I go again, how can I stop the down-slide how can I stop it?
Second, not believing in myself as a writer brings on more writer’s block than any other ‘legitimate’ reason (I’m not sure what a legitimate reason looks like but I’m pretty sure thinking I’m a total fraud as a writer isn’t one of them).
Third, I look at those “shiny, pretty people I see at Parent-Teacher meetings, or on Facebook, or or Pinterest who seem to totally have their shit together and never have unwashed hair” and I wonder how they do it. But I’m 100% positive that if I had x-ray vision and super-human sound-wave-breaking hearing, I’d look in their houses and listen and discover they are unhappy on some level for whatever plagues them.
Therefore, no. You are not alone. You are wonderfully messed up, in a mêlée crowd of messed up people all around the world who struggle to their degree of weirdness and angst. This however does not make you (or I, or many others) mundane, ordinary or ‘the same’. That would totally freak me out more. I’d much rather be weird, even if that means I dream of having a house that looks like a magazine and I feel mentally weighed down by the fact that the only magazine my house would show up in would be Pile of Crap Shacks Weekly. Seriously. Even if that means I obsess like a mad-woman about some new hobby I want to try until I try it and discover that I’ve just spent a lot of money and time on something I suck at and probably will never be good enough at to make that thing I saw on Pinterest. Even if it means I have scraggly, greasy hair every month for those days when I’m on that path. This is the reason I started coming here, reading you. Because you’re weird and you get it. Sometimes, while I’m being completely honest, I read your stuff and am jealous that I’m not as weird as you. I know that weirdness comes with a cruise ship full of baggage, but it’s what makes you you. Don’t worry, I’ve got mine packed too.
You are not only not alone, but in all honesty you probably have a lot in common with all those PTA moms you are comparing yourself to. I appear to be one of them (according to my friends), and yet I rarely feel like I’ve got a grip on anything or like it means anything to anyone. My hair is dirty, my dog is untrained, my kids are untrained, there is laundry all the hell over my house and I can’t remember the last time I mopped my floor (last year maybe?). I clean up to pick my kids up from school (most days) and…wait for it…to attend PTA meetings.
Shiny/pastel PTA moms are illusions. I’m pretty sure the ones who actually have it together behind the scenes are fucked too, just in a different way.
Looks like you’ve already received a plethora of answers…so my two cents: I feel like an imposter MOST of the time…and I struggle everyday to accomplish SOMETHING…I have a “desk” job where I’m supposed to be cranking out a ton of marketing shit, but at the end of the day, I really haven’t done much…Though I’m busy all the time. My eternal struggle is to make a difference in someone’s life…my husband says I already have: His…but what I MEAN by that is that I want to “save” someone’s life…like make them turn a page or something. I think I’m a little narcissistic. Anyhow, you are SO not alone in this feeling. Screw all those shiny PTA moms. My mom was never one and at the end of the day, I’m really glad she wasn’t…That would have been totally embarrassing as a kid. I turned out just fine without it. That internal struggle you have to “be all that you can be” is a stupid meme from Army commercials in the 90’s. All that you can be is what you do every day (you personally…I know there are plenty of fuck ups out there who are lazy as shit…I highly doubt you’re lazy as shit). You have to ask yourself at the end of the day: 1. Is my kid thriving? 2. Is my marriage thriving? 3. Am I still thriving (i.e. breathing)?
You accomplish those three things, then you’ve DONE something in your day. Anything above and beyond is gravy.
And I want to add that maybe it’s not the best place to say that but you being honest about your problems already helped me TREMENDOUSLY to realize mine were real and to identify and overcome at least part of them. This is very important to me and for that, for you honesty, I want to thank you.
I don’t (officially) have depression and I consider myself a fuck up pretty much every day. There are ALWAYS things I didn’t get done, there are ALWAYS things I could have done better. Nobody ever outright gives any allusion to me being a fuck up, but the voice inside my head does not shut up about it. Owning a picnic basket does not a perfect or happy person make (I should know, I have one). Unwashed hair is just an excuse to bust out the dry shampoo and rock the look.
I think the hardest thing we ever have to do is live up to our own expectations. We should all just chill the fuck out and stop judging ourselves so much. Easier said than done!
I’m lucky if I feel successful 4 days a YEAR. But strangely, I’m not unhappy. I don’t think success and happiness have to be linked like that. And anyway, what is success? I have managed to not die for 21 years in a world that is full of things trying to kill me, and that’s fucking impressive. If you’ve survived another day without dying, everything else you’ve done is just icing on the success cake.
I often think that we are all like you (and me too). The only difference is that as “a person with anxiety and depression” we are more acutely aware of everything around us than the masses. If we could shut down some of that awareness, we would be “normal”. But a) who wants to be normal?, and b) I wouldn’t want to give up that amazing awareness of the world and other’s feelings and the implications of my actions, even if it meant I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed sometimes. Sometimes feeling deeply hurts. So be it.
Here’s the reality I had to accept about Pinterest and FaceBook. People generally only put the good or sucessful stuff out there. I rarely post anything because I honestly feel like people don’t really give a shit what I am thinking. NO ONE is allowed to tag me in a picture unless I approve it, which I only do for family. If you want to feel better about Pinterest just type Pinterst Fails in the google search bar and see how many sites turn up. Almost no one can accomplish what they claim without help.
As for being successful at life thing, I get what you are saying. I have anxiety and depression as well (probably more but the one and only time I went to see a therapist it did not end well) Some days you just feel like you can’t accomplish anything. I believe that you are only a failure is if you stop trying and or caring about who you are. Some days it does suck to get out of bed, but I bet you do it any way for your daughter and husband and if you can’t then they know that it is not them or anything that they did. They still feel loved. That is not failure, that is doing the best you can on a given day.
I didn’t read the rest of the comments, so I don’t know what else was said, but I’ll give you my (ranty) thoughts on the subject. I blame modern society and it’s obsession with happiness, and more than that I blame the internet.
1.For most of our history as a species , for the average person, JUST EXISTING through another day, (by not freezing to death, or starving, or being eaten by a predator,) was all there was to success. Most of our innovations were in doing these things more easily. Eventually, all these modern conveniences made everything so safe and comfortable that it no longer took up our entire day to do the things we need to stay alive, so we spent the rest inventing ways to be special and give our lives meaning. We need achievements and gold stars. This is mostly BULLSHIT. (Ask your cats what they achieved today.)
2. At some point we forgot that the internet is the place where anyone can pretend to be anything they want, and we started living there.
We started believing our own hype and investing large amounts of time in mythologizing our lives instead of just living them.
Nobody was ever as attractive as they appeared on myspace. Nobody is as witty as they appear on Twitter or their Blog. Nobody’s house always looks like it does on Pinterest. And every meal they make isn’t the work of art and culinary achievement that it appears on Instagram. These things give a false impression of how the rest of the world lives and create impossible standards to hold ourselves to. Even Martha Stewart has a junk drawer.
Go outside, somewhere without people, and be amazed by the beauty of the natural world (without photographing it).
Go back inside, and be glad that you don’t have to sleep in the wilderness.
Enjoy your family, then enjoy being alone; be glad that your house affords you the luxury of having more than one room.
Treasure the few brief moments of creative genius that take you beyond subsistence, but don’t expect to have them every day. Just live your life. Accept that most of the time, that’s enough.
Dude, do you know how difficult existing actually is?! I mean, if you remember to breath, don’t kill anything that’s in your care and don’t pee the bed I feel like it’s a win. Also, who wants to be a PTA mom anyway? That’s just a gateway drug to the Junior League and we all know what kind of bitches reside there. Most days I feel worthless. Not like I’m worthless, but like I have not accomplished anything of worth. I feel empty and tired and all I want to do it put on sweats and marathon Supernatural. Dishes undone for days, pet hair piling up until it blows like tumbleweeds around the living room, a trail of ants to the undone dishes… I don’t fucking care. My husband is amazing and supportive and the days that I wake up and smile and feel like BY GOD TODAY I WILL DO SOMETHING!!! are the best days ever. But most of the week is spent eating peanut butter out of a jar, planning to exercise, and working hard on the background for my blog, because god forbid I actually get around to writing anything. So no, you’re not alone. We’re all in this shit together.
i know there’s like 1400 comments already, but i thought i should comment anyways. i’m already exhausted.
i don’t count my good days out of a month (because that would be far too depressing), but it’s not uncommon for my husband just to be happy that i’ve showered. some days i don’t leave the house, i don’t get anything done, and i’m convinced i’m a horrible wife. lately i’ve been struggling with the fact that i’m just so sick of fighting and being sick. i want to feel decent and normal (this better not be my new normal), and not like this.
i don’t have any answers, advice, or secrets to success. i take one hour at a time, one day at a time. i suck at being a friend, wife, daughter, etc., but i’m still alive so i figure i’m doing something right.
You are not alone! I think it might be a matter of perspective. Honestly, if I remember to pick up my kids and have clean silverware for dinner (notice I didn’t say “cook dinner”), I call the day a success! I totally feel like an impostor – all the time! I always feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. My mom tries to say that that feeling just means I’m doing it right. huh. I bet all those shiny picnic-people feel like this too (or at least I always feel better thinking that).
I’d say I’m proud of myself 7-10 days a month, but only until my husband gets home and reminds me that I didn’t do the dishes today or water the plants or make side dishes or make the bed or clean out the paint brush or something like that. One day, I’ll master it all. Until then, me and my depression will be tight.
Well you are not alone. Part of it is the mental disorder, a skewed way of looking at yourself. And yes, our idols do have similar issues. The internal editor won’t shut off for Wil unless he punches it in the junk. Richard Armitage is afraid people will think he is weird and he prefers to not deal with people in a crowd even if he is winning an award. He said so himself. All Benedict Cumberbatch sees when he looks in the mirror is the same set of ears and cheekbones that always got him made fun of in school… oh and a few freckles and that he is far too skinny to be healthy.
It’s from listening to too many negative self images: maybe it was said to you. Maybe they were said by someone about themselves…. we absorb those messages and they stick. I’ve had my artwork published but I haven’t sold a piece so that says to people who “care” you should stop before you spend all your money on art supplies and lose an ear. And they are very free in telling me whatever idiocy comes to mind as they wrap it in a warped turd of “encouragement”. Everything that “they” say is “for my own good”. But I am starting to wonder.
Psst. I was homeless for almost 3 whole years. I’ve been sharing a house with a co-worker for a little over 6 months and there are boxes everywhere because I am afraid to totally unpack. She’s getting sick of it. I am getting sick of it. But I keep hearing the voices telling me that there is no point in unpacking. I am also a little afraid to pick up a paint brush again. I was doing good then WHAM! All I heard was a chorus of my failures on a constant loop.
I hope that the cognitive therapy works for you. It is hard to change your thoughts when you have lived with them for so long. Not only that: I don’t have a personality that likes to sugar coat anything. So while other people can look at a failure and find way to learn to go around it, I look at a failure and see a road closed to construction sign use detour. And the detour never brings me back to where I wanted to be.
You kinda just have to keep plugging away. Realize that this month you only get 3-4 good days then shoot for making 4-5 good days next month.
The only thing that I have found really true in the whole getting better thing is that you really do have to make your own happy even if that happy is taxidermied animals and you are the only one who understands. And in your case…. ESPECIALLY if that happy is taxidermied animals.
And now…… to take my own advice.
I always assume the pretty shiny people are fake. Any day you haven’t been up the water tower with a scope, been arsonistic (way better word and more legit than twerk), or have smiled is a win. Youtube laughing babies. It helps. Or watch:
I think most of us feel like crap when we compare ourselves to the “Land of the Practically Perfect People”. I was in LA for one week and by day 2 I felt like I needed to lose 40 lbs, get botox, and plastic surgery (and that was just externally). OK, I don’t deal with the stuff you deal with (though I have my stuff, we all do-still coming off year 2 since a family tragedy so I many not “count” as normal but I’m almost back to my normal..most days)–so “kickass” days a month? Maybe 2 a week most weeks, so 8? the rest are just getting stuff done that has to get done but doesn’t feel like being “successful” by whatever definition you think “they” have. When do I feel the worst? When I just don’t feel like doing stuff and I have no real good reason except lack of energy and then it turns into a week that I haven’t “done” anything. How do I feel better/successful? Writing, if I can. (if I can’t then it just feels worse. I teach a bible study at my house, so days I get that prep work done and actually feel like I learned/owned something new about myself or God, that makes me feel better. Doesn’t always happen but it helps when it does. Hanging with loving, non-judgmental, fun friends. Friends who get “middle of the couch days” and know when to let you sit, drag you out or just sit with you. Watching dumb tv with my teenage son cause that counts as “time with kid” vs. “lazing around”. Or my hubby, cause “American Ninja Warrior” counts as together time. (YES IT DOES-one of menfolk’s “love languages” is doing stuff together and watching tv is doing stuff).
Hi Jenny: I’ve been a lurker on your website for quite some time and never felt compelled to comment … or up to the standards that so many brilliant people set every time they comment. Honestly, I don’t know how you manage to create relationships with all the folks who follow your blog, but I believe we all feel connected to you.
I wonder if you don’t need to reframe this. When you say that you only feel “successful” 3-4 days a month, what exactly do you mean by “successful”? I would considering huddling under blankets with my kid and watching Little House on the Prairie to be a wildly successful moment in life.
In this country, we’ve got some really whacked definitions of “success” and “normal” and “productive.” When my daughter was younger, I often felt that a successful day was one in which she (and I) made it alive to bedtime. It all really depends on how you frame it.
I know that if I put work aside for a while to watch Dr. Who, I feel like I need it to be in secret, or I have to be on the exercise bike so that it has more value than just watching TV. But you know what? There is not one thing wrong with putting work aside to watch Dr. Who. Not one thing.
So … what problem are you trying to solve? I hope you find out that it’s not as big as you think it is.
It’s not just you, as I’m sure you’ve figured out from the previous comments. I think we bring a lot of it on ourselves — we expect too much from ourselves. Look at Pinterest — we’re supposed to have perfect hair, perfect bodies, cook perfectly creative meals, cook – and eat – elaborate desserts (and stay skinny), volunteer all over town, have a perfect house, help our kids excel, etc. etc. etc. I have about 5 minutes of free time each day between 6am and 8:30pm, and by the time 8:30 hits I’m ready to collapse! Am I supposed to save the world in that 5 minutes each day? I’m trying to learn how to be easier on myself. I’m also trying to learn to show love and kindness, gentleness and patience to people as much as possible so they will be easier on themselves. Peace.
I’m about two decades older than you, Jenny, and I’m afraid it doesn’t get better when you live on a wire. As a fellow blogger, I find writing blogs like this one to be the best therapy money can’t buy. So I hope it helped writing that. We live parallel lives because we have the curse. It’s called being a writer. People kills themselves because they are writers who are blessed with the kind of personality which forces them to examine every detail of their lives and hold each morsel up against the light of other people. We are lucky, at least, we can express ourselves.
The good news is that nearly everybody lives on the ferris wheel of shit. Most people just don’t talk about it. My ex-husband is a millionaire and high flyer but he lost his kids because of his ambition and narcissism. I have other friends who have massive houses and cars but are secret drinkers (not that there is anything wrong with that!) and others who have terrific careers but can’t get dates.
What’s great, Jenny, is that you have your lovely daughter and husband. When you reach my age, you will see that’s about as good as it gets.
OMG you’re me! I know exactly what you mean. I feel like I’m failing at faking being this awesome put together person. People are amazed at me and my talent and what I do and how I do it, and I don’t get it. On the inside I’m a house built on shifting sand, 5 seconds from falling apart at any given point in time.
I’m also a child of addicts, both mother and father, and their parents also, and probably their parents too, not entirely sure about that on my father’s side. From a young age I was counseled that I have a strong selfish instinct to make everything about me. I relate to the world, through myself. It’s about as self-centered as you can get and not be narcissistic. I’ve had to learn when I start thinking about myself, I need to get out of my own head and go do, be and see other things, people and places. I am trying very hard to learn from my grandmother’s example of feeding the homeless at our church. Volunteer work makes me feel like I’m permanently giving a part of myself away so it’s hard to keep doing it but I’m trying.
That’s what helps me, living in the world with other people, trying to make it a better place, instead of living in my own little world wondering when everyone will realize what a fake I am.
I have had to set what looks like a really low bar for myself to compensate for the fact that being alive and not in hospital whilst having a mental illness is actually fucking hard work. Maybe i look lazy or like i’m not pushing myself. But actually today feels really good because i sent a few emails, read some of a magazine, sat outside, had a shower and went for a short walk. I have to always try to see positives so i’m not overwhelmed by how useless i am compared to my friends. Seeing positives goes right down to reminding myself that i might’ve tried to kill myself, but at least i called an ambulance. I try to feel that way anyway, the “i’m a failure” feelings creep in almost every day.
I was a clean hair and picnic basket person. I guess I still am, but everything else has changed so even with that crap, I had to let go of those ideas of success from before. I’ve never really counted the days out of the month before. I tend to count moments in a day more.
I have tried to practice more over the last year or so redefining my definition of success. A job loss, a medical issue, a house loss, and financial burdens have sort of forced me into it, but I think it was necessary. Now, I think about fulfilling commitments I make to other people, and about how kind I am to people in general. Those are the only two things I *have* to do to feel good about my life. If I say I am going to show up every week to clean at my yoga studio (in exchange for free classes, a life saver in this hard time) and I do it? Success. If I see a man carrying a stack of newspapers into a convenience store as I’m leaving, I wait and hold the door for him and smile. Success.
In the end I don’t want to be the person that always had to have better to be happy, I want to be the person that was happy because she knew it could be worse. As I said, I have kind of been forced into this choice through circumstances out of my control, but knowing that I can be happy and feel successful because of how I maintain my integrity and how I treat other people helps me in that when life gets better, as it is bound to do, I will feel successful then, too.
It is so not just you. And people with picnic baskets and clean hair aren’t any further ahead in the game if they don’t hold firm to their basic priorities, too. I promise you that.
You asked us to make this about us and not you, but I have terrible reading comprehension and anyway I’m willful. So I’m going to make a point about you first. And that point is this: People love you *because* you show us your flaws. If you only talked about your wins and censored your losses, you wouldn’t be nearly as relatable. (Which is just as much a word as arsonistic is, YES HUH, don’t you even think about going for that Scrabble dictionary or I’ll challenge yours too.) The very fact that everyone relates to you is a testament to just how fucked up we all are. Each and every one of us. And by “fucked up,” I mean “human.” (And sometimes also just fucked up.)
So let’s talk about me now.
Guess where I am right now! I’m at work. You know, that place that pays me cash money to perform a service for them. Do you know what I accomplished today? I read a lot of the Internet, and I wrote this comment.
I had my car repossessed once a few years ago. It wasn’t because I couldn’t make my car payment, and it wasn’t because I couldn’t afford my car insurance. It *was* because I *didn’t* make those payments. Which is to say, instead of making my car payment and my insurance payment, I just … didn’t. I let the money sit in the bank. It isn’t that I didn’t know the payments were overdue. And I absolutely meant to pay it. Later. After this series of other important things I was doing that were decidedly *not* paying my bills. When I called them to get it out of repo, they seemed pretty surprised that I was actually going to go through the process of getting my car back. They figured I was calling because I wanted to get some stuff out of the trunk. Because apparently MOST people, if they actually have the money to get their car out of repo? They elect to avoid the whole thing and just pay their damn bills on time instead. I know! It surprised me, too! Apparently.
I have this idea that I want to try my hand at writing. I’d like to be a novelist, I think, sometime in the next ten years. So do you know what I did last night? I watched Say Yes To The Dress, for hours and hours. And I pet my cat. Then I went to bed. I did not, however, take my contacts out, as I discovered this morning. And I did not write a single word.
In fact, I have many, many interests, projects, and hobbies that I am actively ignoring. No, wait, that’s not quite right — I’m mostly passively ignoring them. I am trying hard not to think about them, or the fact that I rarely manage to finish something before a shiny new thing comes along and I abandon my last project (“Temporarily!” I tell myself) and jump into a new one. On my good days, I justify it by telling myself, Hey, this is what makes them hobbies and not your career. On my bad days, I see all of this as evidence that I have strung together 34 years of abject failure. Going on 35!
I could go on and on (and on, AND ON) about all the things that make me a failure. The mantra that is repeated by my jerkbrain is different than the mantra repeated by yours, but it is also very similar. In a dark moment, a friend of mine (even if she doesn’t consider me a friend in the same way — but then, she doesn’t know me through my (non-existent) blog like I know her) once told me something that meant a great deal to me: Depression lies. That friend, of course, was you. I emailed you once, thanking you for your blogging and for giving me such a simple phrase to shout back at the lying mantra when it has ahold of me. To my utter amazement, you wrote back. Though you have probably thousands of emails from thousands of people in your inbox at any given time, all begging for your attention, you took the time to write me back a short note. That meant the world to me.
During dark times, I absolutely have 5 or so days a month when I actually feel good. Things aren’t so dark for me right now. But I don’t doubt for a short second that I will be back in the dark days at some point. And I expect I will go about the hard work of digging myself out again. (Though it’s much easier to expect that now, when I’m not surrounded by darkness, than it will be then.)
I hope that in some small way, this comment helps you with your digging. It would mean so much to me to be able to give back to you even the tiniest sliver of what you’ve given me.
Good luck. I’ll be reading with my fingers crossed for you.
Not alone. I have many good days but the imposter feelings lurk. Some of it I think is due to the world view of success. I try to ignore that and go with my view. I have good support, a husband who believes I am amazingly successful and really no one but my family and me should matter.
I so enjoy reading your blog and you help me laugh and let me tell myself I need to ease up on me.
I’m going to pull some Buffy out here-
“The hardest thing in this world, is to live in it”
Quite often I feel completely under achieving. I don’t manage what the terrific stay at home mums do, and I feel hideously guilty that I can do stuff at work (I work in childcare), but at home, time sort of stops for me. I’ll go “I’ll do it in 5 mins” and then before I know it it’s time for dinner. On days where I do achieve things I feel crapper later because I then start going “SEE YOU CAN DO IT! WHY CAN’T YOU DO IT ALL THE TIME YOU CRAP PERSON!” which just perpetuates the cycle.
I see each day as a win though. My child is fed, happy and healthy and the cat’s haven’t decided to eat me. I often find the hardest thing in the world IS to live in it, especially when you have that horrible voice tell you you’re sub par. To me that just makes it even better when we (you, me, whoever) do get things done, because it’s hard enough to do something when you’re being criticized and put down, let alone when it’s you who’s doing it.
Flylady.net really helped me figure out the house stuff and helped change my mindset about a lot in life. It’s all about babysteps and routines and progress not perfection. Seriously.
Also, you know what you’re really good at, watching Dr. Who!! Now go huddle under a blanket and do some of that!!
Oh Jenny, you are so not alone. I look around me at my friends and contemporaries and they have big careers and families and kids and I’m like, “well shit, I’m 36 and still live like I’m in college.” I feel like a total failure about 90% of the time. When I’m at work I feel like I’m totally just bullshitting my way through my job and that one day they’ll catch on and fire me. Since starting grad school last year I’m feeling a bit less like a loser but I still feel like I’m 10-15 years behind all the other people my age. I blame all my un-fun health crap on this weird lag (RA, depression, anxiety, social awkwardness) but the lag is still there. But its my folks who feel just like me (people like you, Jen over at Cakewrecks/Epbot, and Allie at Hyperbole and a Half) that inspire me. Y’all remind me that I’m not alone. Not everyone looks at their life and thinks “I kick all the ass at being a grown-up!” Folks like us look at our life and think “I’ll try harder tomorrow. Or possibly just eat some pie and try later on in the week.”
Hugs to you dear one. Hugs to you and everyone else who feels this way.
Every month. Almost everyday of every month. Feeling this way is the norm to me. I’m trying to ‘find my happy.’ It’s slow going so far.
OMG..you are way ahead of me. I look successful in every way but I do not feel like it. Maybe one day a month I will feel good about myself. Other wise I don’t feel anything or I feel anxious like something is missing or I forgot something or or or..I would love to have 3-4 days a month like you do. I do have depression and anxiety but it is probably considered mild most of the time. I did feel fantastic when I took ambilify but holy cow my anxiety went thru the roof..the happy part was not worth it ..kind of a weird feeling but maybe you know what I mean. Anyway, consider yourself normal 🙂
3 to 4 days? Yeah. That sounds about right. The rest of the time, I’m treading water.
The thing is, all those shiny people with pastel lives? I don’t for a second believe that’s real. I think that’s the face they choose to show the world. But I’ll bet my last nickel that every damn one of them, if you knew which unused room in their house to look in or which bed to look under, has just as much shit that they’re barely managing to keep track of. They have just as many metaphorical or literal dusty boxes waiting to be unpacked, somewhere, hiding in the corners of their lives where they don’t let other people see them.
I firmly believe that. I work two jobs to support my family. I’m supposed to help with chores and housework and so forth, too, but a lot of days by the time I get done with my night job, I just don’t have it in me to even do the dishes, so they wait till morning and I do them in a rush when I really should be having breakfast with my kids. Before my kids were born, we started a remodel on my house. Nine years later, we still don’t have baseboard trim on half the house, or even goddamn *doors* on all the rooms.
How hard is it to hang a door? Not hard. Takes like fifteen minutes, maybe. And yet. And yet. The fucking doors sit, in the garage, collecting dust and waiting for me to get my shit together enough to make those fifteen minutes happen.
3 or 4 days a month you feel like you’re winning the life game and the rest of the time you’re floundering along? That’s not losing. That’s not being lousy at being a person. Honey, that’s doing *fabulous*.
How many days a month do I feel successful on average? ZERO. Well, maybe 1 if I’m lucky. I have successful moments – usually SOMEthing every day, but not always. Facebook – it’s great for making people feel bad about themselves. I have not quit FB yet but I’m trying. My days are so much better when I’m not comparing my life to Janie Perfect’s posts about her wonderful thoughtful husband, her perfect kids, their amazing (and of course not staged at all) photos, etc, etc. The people I love and that love me back are the ones I keep in touch with via phone, email, text and real-live visits. They are the people who I want to model myself after because they are awesome and being around them makes me a better person. They remind me that the imperfect moments are some of the best and always the funniest. You have those people in your life (I read about them in your book!) – surround yourself with them.
I totally feel the same way. I sit on my couch at the end of the day and go “what have I accomplished” and beat myself up if it is nothing spectacular. My therapist suggests making a lists of things to get done every day and for awhile checking off that list made me feel awesome. Now I feel like it just stares at me mockingly when I don’t cross anything off. Jerk.
What do I do to feel better? I’m still trying to figure that out. Fuzzy cats and a mostly understanding husband helps. I do know deep down though that I don’t suck, and I shouldn’t be afraid of failure, and getting dishes done can be a big accomplishment on a bad day. I also know if I was awesome and accomplishing stuff all the time I would be exhausted constantly and who needs that? Maybe all the perfect people are just super tired and are freaking out on the inside.
It’s not just you. Cuz it’s me too.
And you’re lucky to feel successful 3-4 days a month! I’m probably closer to 1 or 2.
If I’m not sabotaging my relationship, I’m paying bills late. If I’m not failing creatively, I’m living in a bedroom quagmire.
You’re wrong to measure your success against the lives you don’t want.
Fuck those pastel PTA parents. Who wants to live such a cookie-cutter existence?
Certainly not you!!
I think you’re really doing ok.
You have Vincent, a man that loves you through it all and who lets you buy dead animals
You have a gorgeous daughter that you love, and you don’t love kids.
And you have turned your humour, your honesty and your words into a job that really suits you.
These three things are massive successes in my opinion.
I struggle with this everyday because of my anxiety and depression. I try and reward/celebrate myself when I do small things like laundry or dishes. I think that a schedule also helps because you have your day accounted for and it helps organize your time. I consider it a win if I get out of bed in the morning. I feel like Allie Brosh has got this covered: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
ALL of us go to bed each night and thing “oh crap, did I screw that up?” You’re not alone. If people tell you they don’t do that, they’re LYING! Everyone takes months to unpack, it’s what storage rooms/basements and u-packs are for. Unless these magical people have staff who clean, run errands, train their dogs etc they are in the same boat as you. Half the time I don’t even think how successful my day was, I just know that I’ll go to sleep and stuff will happen tomorrow. Honestly, all those things you mentioned, if you didn’t tell me you had a mental illness, I’d assume you are normal…or as normal as it gets.
This could have been written by me 40 years ago. Yes, I am ‘that old’. In my early 60s.
I would WAKE UP feeling I had already failed. I had an aura of anxiety around me at all times. At one point when I was 28 I had panic attacks something fierce. I was afraid to leave my house. I’m a performer and it would attack me on stage. Now that’s rich; the once place you cannot escape from, and you have a panic attack. Hahha funny joke, Cosmos!
I got myself out of it by doing.
Now I am so full of myself. I am at ease and confident. I think it must be a generational thing; reading all the posts from your younger readers, I get the sense that you all are feeling the same feelings, as if it is a huge hive mind with tendrils connecting one another. It makes me wonder, does it happen in other countries? Is it a function of our environment and all the messages that are blasted at and to us and around us? Is it super sensitivity to the feelings of other people? Seeing one frown used to send me on a tailspin. I always took it personally. Hell, the person may have been having a bad day and didn’t even notice me, but I took it as a slight to me.
Hi Jenny:
Reading through the comments, it is clear you (we) are not alone in feeling like a failure and a fraud some days (read: most days). I know I do. Like a lot of post-ers, I probably look like I have it together from the outside, but I spend most of my time berating myself for not getting more done, doing it better, being a better mom, a better employee, a better sister, daughter, friend, person. I think we all do.
I think part of the problem is that our expectations are all out of whack. Something in our culture (it’s probably fast food commercials, but I can’t be sure) tells us that if we aren’t ecstatic all the time we are doing it wrong. If we aren’t wildly successful all the moments, we are wasting time. If our eyes aren’t rolling back in deep, meaningful pleasure when we eat our yogurt we aren’t truly TASTING it.
We all have moments of joy, but most moments just… are. At best. Most times you are just having lunch, not “lovin’ it.” But since my instagram and facebook feeds are a catalog of other people’s joyful moments and successes, me spending the afternoon reading about the Ten Cutest Schnauzers Wearing Vests on a Hayride on Buzzfeed feels like failing. Since I saw that meatloaf that looks exactly like Snuffaluffagus in a nest of sweet potato straws on Pinterest, my box of mac-n-cheese with few pieces of defrosted broccoli chopped up and throw in in the hopes that my two year old will accidentally eat a vegetable looks a little pathetic.
So I feel bad about myself. And I feel ashamed. And I try to hide my shame by presenting a more together image to the world by smearing on some lipstick before drop off or posting something “adorbs” my four year old said over breakfast (after screaming that her toast had a brown spot and that her brother got the pink cup and she wanted the pink cup, but I don’t mention that bit), making it look like we are the type of family that has pleasant meal conversation about things we heard on NPR and I am the sort of mom who gets out of the house on time with makeup on and probably with an organic handcrafted meal in that lunchbox, which ends up on someone else’s shame feed and the cycle continues.
We hold ourselves to too high a standard. Not just in what we are supposed to DO and BE, but in how we are supposed to FEEL. Expecting ourselves to be productive and happy most of the time is beyond unrealistic.
It is a constant fight to remind myself that every unproductive moment isn’t wasted. That every unhappy moment isn’t a failure. It is OK not to be sucking the marrow out of every day. Most days just doing the basics (everyone alive, unharmed, fed and reminded they are loved at least once) is more than enough. When joy and success come: enjoy them, because they are yours (and not a mistake the Universe made). When sadness comes: well, they are yours too, and not a failure.
Nobody wins life. We all just play.
Hey you know what?….We are all crazy, looney and think wayyyyyyy too much. Just by saying you are a good person and proud of your kidlet spelling, tells me you are on the right path my dear!! What I have learned though my own craziness (that I call life) is, “just keep swimming!!!” I never thought a Disney movie would have such of an impact 🙂 I was having a messed up time and I found your book. That book made me laugh out loud and feel good about me knowing I wasn’t alone. Your OK chicky, enjoy the highs when you have them and let the lows roll off your back as much as you can (hug) and cheers to you !!!
Wow. You sound like me.
Maybe, since I admire you, I should like myself better? lol.
How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person? Maybe a couple at most. Usually this happens on the days I see my counselor and have a good session.
What makes you feel the worst? Life in general is hard. Panic attacks come from nowhere. Depression just IS. I take my meds and hope for the best.
I had a super awesome week about a month ago. My psychiatrist started me on Abilify, I got a vitamin b-12 shot, and my doctor raised my thyroid meds. I felt like I did ten years ago. Woke up early, full of energy, got so much done, and those negative thoughts in my head disappeared for a while. And now that is gone and it hurts SO much not to have that. More vitamin b-12 shots haven’t had the same effect. Mostly I am back to my old, tired and scared self.
What do you do to make yourself feel more successful? I don’t know. I try to practise kindness to myself, try to take care of myself, try to be more accepting of who I am and my disease. Right now I am getting counseling, art therapy and group therapy. They all help.
It is like I am on a lifeboat with a slow leak. My energy is low but whenever I can I try to fill the air. Most days I tread water. I am still alive, which is something I guess.
I too struggle with what it means to be ENOUGH. Wish I had an answer.
Love to you Jenny. You help me so much!
3 days a month. Even if I have a ‘good’ day at work, I come home and fail to get my toddler to eat well/enough, brush her teeth well and go to sleep at a normal time. Then when we make strides with her, something will happen at work. For instance, I asked for a raise and in response I have a meeting set up tomorrow to discuss goal setting. My impression is that they will not give me a raise. I have lost all value at my job, in my eyes, with this response. I have failed. And will probably fail tonight with my daughter, and husband, who is probably looking up inexpensive means of divorce at this moment. According to him, I have been failing as a wife recently (read since we got married). I didn’t know there were standards I wasn’t living up to. Apparently. I have no diagnosed issues with depression or anxiety, although I am pretty sure I have ADD and some anger/temper issues. So my biology fails me as well. I’m with you. The day I felt accomplished this month was the day I bought frames for my daughter’s artwork and managed to get her to fall asleep in the car and stay asleep after picking her up from my in-laws. Of course, it was only a success until my husband said I spent too much on frames.
Ugh.
You have an incredible sense of humor, even about bad things. You feel like most everyone else. Those people that look like they have picture perfect lives are pretending too. All people have bad things along with the good, and some can hide the bad things very well. Even if they look like they have it together, it is all a facade. Everyone looks at the “others” and feels inferior but bluffs their way thru things. Took me a long time to figure that out, but it is so true. I love your blog, loved your book and envy, truly envy your sense of humor. Most people (including myself) would kill to be able to write about life the way you do. Hang in there, you are not alone.
Look, I don’t have depression or anxiety or anything (that I know of) that needs medical help. AND I FEEL THIS WAY. I feel productive mayyyyybe 3 days a month. Maybe. And I’m not comparing myself to style bloggers or the PTA moms or people with whom I barely interact. I see my sister keep a decently clean house, do crafts with her kids, cook dinner every night, and then like…read books and paint in the evenings.
While I drown.
It’s a huge accomplishment for me in a day for my husband to come home to Not-Chaotic and Dirty House. I work from home, and if I’m not up until 2am working, then I feel like I’ve won the day. I’m either frantically trying to get anything done or I’m burned out and can’t seem to do a thing. My little ones don’t sleep well at night, so I know a lot of this might be just the fate of having small children who don’t sleep. I don’t know.
I’m trying to get better too. You aren’t alone.
So this is my first time commenting. I’ve read your book. I read ever post you write. Here goes: Even when it looks like I have my crap together, I still can’t get it all done. When I manage to finish a sewing project, my house is trashed because all I managed is sewing. When my house is clean, that’s all I’ve accomplished. And that’s just my productive days. Most of the time I putter around the house not accomplishing much of anything. Basically, I make dinner every night and I can’t always be counted on for that.
Feel like that all the time. In fact I felt guilty about not giving my two year old more attention while reading the paragraph about you spending time with your daughter. I have parental guilt and lack of achievement frustration coming out of my ears. Which I really should have cleaned out by now…..
ALL of us go to bed each night and think “oh crap, did I screw that up?” You’re not alone. If people tell you they don’t do that, they’re LYING! Everyone takes months to unpack, it’s what storage rooms/basements and u-packs are for. Unless these magical people have staff who clean, run errands, train their dogs etc they are in the same boat as you. Half the time I don’t even think how successful my day was, I just know that I’ll go to sleep and stuff will happen tomorrow. Honestly, all those things you mentioned, if you didn’t tell me you had a mental illness, I’d assume you are normal…or as normal as it gets.
You are not alone. I’ve managed to get to good days being 50/50 with bad days.
My sister thinks I have the world completely under control. Like you and your PTA moms, she is looking at it from the outside. I totally agree with the commenters that say You amaze me. I think you are hellaciously successful and ambitious and worthy. I am looking at you from the outside and thinking I can never be as good as you are.
I suffer completely from imposter syndrome. I’m sure that I will be ridiculed and ostracized if people realize just how much I wing it. I have a good job, a nice home, good loyal friends. I’ve written a book. I’ve sold stained glass pieces that I’ve created. Why is that not enough? I am trying to listen more to the voice that tells me I’m a good person, not the one that tells me I should be doing more.
I was interested in Mimi’s comment that this is an American attitude. I’m thinking it truly is. A life lived simply and with enjoyment should be considered a worthy life.
It’s okay to just play with the dogs. It’s okay to read a book even if the floor needs to be scrubbed. It’s okay to have a job and pay your bills on time and listen to your friends when they need you, and not be a renowned author or artist. It’s okay.
Plus, there can never be a more worthwhile use of your time than spending it with Hailey.
At the risk of sounding like REM at their most emo, it helps to remember that everybody hurts. Those pastel PTA princesses have their own fucked up lives, they just manage to hide it. Which to me is worse, because if you hide the crazy you’re more alone than if you hang it out there where other people (like us who are commenting) can say, “Yes! I feel like that too!”
Depression sucks. I’m actually struggling with it a lot this week for some unknown reason. Makes it damn near impossible to accomplish anything.
What works for me is to make yourself do one important thing each day. It’s up to you what important means. Sometimes that one thing gives you enough momentum to do more stuff. Sometimes the one thing will be all you can manage. Just do the one thing and let yourself feel the accomplishment of getting up and doing it, rather than beating yourself up for all the other things you didn’t do. There’s always tomorrow to work on those other things.
I think it is really important not to compare our worst to others’ best. They may look all sparkly with glitter and rainbows, but the truth is, they also have things that they suck at. They also have days that they are just pretending to be human and trying to get by.
We as women beat ourselves up so badly. Try to focus on the really great things you do – like – you make people laugh; you help others feel that they can be okay if they hang in there; you started the traveling red dress; you bought pajamas for kids; you make me laugh everytime I see a metal rooster – no matter what size it is; you rock an awesome haunted dollhouse.
You have talents that I wish I had, but I need to remember that I also have talents that other people would like to have.
Shine in your own wonderful way.
Hugs, Catherine
Yeah, I’m failing at every aspect of life except surviving and being human. I do those every day. I don’t cook, I don’t clean, and I let Netflix babysit my four-year-old so I can take a nap. We eat pbj sandwiches almost every day, and fruits and veggies almost never. I think my husband secretly agrees that I’m useless, but if you ask my kids, I’m a fantastic mom. The reason we all want to be your real-life friend is not that we think you’ve got it all together and you’re a happy, funny ray of sunshine; it’s because you’re so REAL. It’s like, “Oh my gosh, you have flaws? I HAVE FLAWS, TOO! What if I’m not alone in the universe??” and that feels amazing. It helps that you’re a fantastic writer and can make us pee our pants laughing.
Yay, community!
I left my house in pursuit of ONE item this morning. I somehow managed to walk through four fucking stores without said item, which can be procured just about anywhere (toilet paper). Guess which family is going to suffer from itchy assholes because it’s maniacal matriarch failed again at providing basic care? But they still love me (probably because they are all males and would probably wipe their asses with duct tape if it were offered), so tomorrow I will try again.
Oh, and fuck the PTA. I can’t think of a more ineffective way to support a school. Watching LHOTP reruns with your daughter will benefit the world far more than guilting the community into buying fall mums.
You are SOOO not alone in this. I don’t have depression, anxiety, or any chronic anything that I know of, and I still feel like I fail most of the time. I get mad at myself for not being perfect, and then I get mad at myself that I can’t get over the fact that I’ll never be perfect.
Although I don’t know you in person I definitely feel like I love you dearly. I think a lot of that is because you’re open and honest about the way you feel and all your shortcomings. We all have them, and I see myself in your struggles a little bit. Thank you for sharing, and please keep it up! 🙂
This is life, plain and simple. The media makes us feel like there should be something MORE..something exciting, glamorous, more dramatic and that there should be background music for what we do each day. Except what we do each day is exist. And that’s okay.
I don’t know a soul who finds “life” in sorting laundry or scooping poop out of the litter box every day. I don’t find drama in vacuuming or brushing my teeth. It’s really not all that exciting driving to work…or for that matter, working in general. But these are things we have to do–we get up, go to work (or stay at home with your kids), and try to earn a decent living. We hope for a nice vacation once a year and maybe have some nice times here and there. That’s all there is. And that’s okay.
Mediocrity is OKAY. Really it is. I tell my co-worker that a good day for me is when I have a cheese-stick and pea pods in my lunch. My theory is that if you set the happy bar low, you’ll be happy a lot. Okay, so some pea pods make me happy, so what? I nearly peed my pants when I found watermelon in there today, thanks to my husband who makes the lunches.
I think there is a point in your life when you realize that it’s not all gonna be fun and exciting. That most days you just are….and you do stuff you have to do like buy groceries and make the beds. Or not. Some people call this hey-that’s-all-there-is stuff “midlife crisis”, but I don’t. I think it’s just a reality check. It just makes you sad when you realize it.
Once you realize it and accept it, you, too, will find happiness in pea pods in your lunch. Lower the bar on your happy, my friend. If you wait for the big stuff, you will wait a long time.
Oh–I was a room mother and did all that “great” mom stuff–we don’t have our stuff together any more than you do. Seriously. We just hide it under a smile….even if it is a fake one.
I don’t have depression or anxiety, and I am pretty much a happy person and no mental illness that I know of. I am probably, in fact, one of those that you think have those pretty pastel lives. (Just remember – NO ONE has pretty pastel lives, they are just better at putting on makeup and hiding it). I think you are hilarious and that is why I read your blog and read your book. Its refreshing to hear someone be so honest about how fucked up they think they are! I have never once commented on your blog (I can never think of anything creative to say), but this post caught my attention.
Soooo…We ALL feel this way, but you just seem to beat yourself up about it a bit more. I think your scale of what is successful is off. So, yes, I would say snap out of it a bit and cut yourself some slack! I think you should feel great more than you feel like shit – but maybe thats part of mental illness. I also try not to think about it and analyze it so much – that would make anyone feel like a failure!
When I am feeling like I am just not doing enough and not being all I think I should be – I make a list and plan out by the hour exactly what I am going to do that day (1 hour gym, 1 hour emails, 1 hour dinner, etc.). Its insane – but when the day is done and I did what is on my schedule – I think I pretty much rocked it! Maybe, my scale of what is successful is off – who knows, but it works.
Keep doing what your doing and keep going each day – as my mother once told me, “not everyday is supposed to be a damn hayride”.
I thought about it a bit more – (worrying ideas is a bad tendency with me). With the passing of years (52) I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone has character or performance gaps, the twisted part is we each tend to focus on our own shortcomings and other people’s strengths (not counting nemeses, of course) and ignore the flip side. One friend has a completely clutter free house all the time (which I envy) but tells me she admires that I value the experience of having friends over and don’t stress about the state of my house (true assessment). If I waited for a magazine ready house to have friends over for burgers, we would never see anyone.
Long-time reader, first time commenter.
This is what runs through my head all day, every day. With the rare exception of when I’m too busy to think about doing something — but otherwise, YES, all the time yes. I think it has to do with the way we’ve branded “work” and “success” in our culture — it doesn’t leave much room for creative types with creative-type jobs to feel like we’re accomplishing much of anything unless we’re working at a superhuman breakneck pace – and even then, as they say, even cowgirls get the blues. I blogged about some of the same shit over at http://theartabyss.blogspot.com/2013/08/my-own-personal-abyss.html, which is really just to say, I feel your pain. And I’m really glad to hear it from someone whom I identify as one of my heroes — if I kick half as much ass as you when I “grow up” (going on 27 and still waiting), I would be thrilled. Keep on keeping on — you got this!
My advice is to make a comparison list of what you think success really is, because your list is probably skewed right now
.
Example:
Is success a) a faceless PTA Mom or b) a mom who spends time every day with her daughter, and whose daughter is secure in mom’s love
My guess is you would pick B. There- you are successful in that area. Add that to your list of accomplishments that truly matter. Have Victor or a friend help make up the comparison list, if you can’t see the matches yourself.
Another one: Is success a) writing 2 bestselling books or b) writing a successful book that allowed people to escape their own darkness for a time, and laugh and cry along with you, regardless of how long a second book takes.
The other advice is to practice living in the moment. It doesn’t matter If you only went to the bank today, and someone else alphabetized their spices. The spice person can’t make us laugh and touch our hearts. You can. When you’re old and senile, PTA moments and completed books aren’t what you’ll look back on and remember- it’s little things like your daughter’s smile, your husband’s hug, and the time Hunter S Thomcat made you laugh so hard you thought you’d pee. Those are the moments you’ll remember with triumph.
You just need to redefine success 🙂
Honey, you are SO not a fraud, you are human. I feel like I am successful about 2-3 days a month. The rest, I feel like a failure because I’ve accomplished only enough to ensure no one died, everyone is fed and clean. Now intellectually I can look at it and tell myself that I have ninja kicked life in the dainty bits. I’ve gone back to school and graduated with full honours while working part time and being a mom and a wife. I’ve helped keep us afloat when my husband was unemployed for a year during that time and was able to be his emotional rock most of the time. My kids love me and make me proud. But when I look around my house and all I can see is the “disaster” and I feel as if I accomplish nothing. I’m not the “everything is home made/organic/natural, quilting, home schooling,PTA, perfectly coiffed” mom, and it makes me feel like a crap parent. I’m not, but I feel like it.
When I feel like that, I try and remember the things I have accomplished. Sometimes my husband has to remind me. I talk to other women, like your doing, and realize I’m not alone.
Oh honey – it’s not just you. And it’s not just people with anxiety, etc. either – although I’m sure that exacerbates the problem. I think EVERY SINGLE ONE of us have this feeling to some degree or another. As for those folks on Facebook, Pinterest and the like – remember that they are only showing the world “the pretty” not “the truth.” I wish I had a magic formula to make that feeling go away for you, me and everyone else – but I don’t. Just remember that you aren’t alone.
To answer your title, no – it’s not just you. I’m not even diagnosed with anything the way you are, but I feel like that nearly every day. I constantly think to myself, “How is everyone else getting it, and I’m not? Every person around me has got their shit together, down to the miraculous task of fixing their hair on a daily basis – how come I feel like I can’t make that happen? What am I doing wrong?”
Thanks for this post. If there are enough of us agreeing with you (which it looks like there are), maybe we’re all not total failures, because maybe no one is really a success. It’s all smoke and mirrors – and Pinterest.
Most days I pare down my to-do list to the bare minimum necessary. Most days I feel like I’m just being lazy, but I can’t find motivation to do any more. I try – I really do – but I feel I fall short in many areas of my life.
I’m with you – I understand you! I suffer from PTSD, depression, and anxiety, and right now I’ve been starting to come to terms with being full-blown in the struggle again.
Hang in there, you’re definitely not alone!!
If you’re a loser, then I’m really in trouble. Perhaps I should be praying to be shot instead of for help.
wow. Your post does so much for me and my wife (I’ll forward to her in a second) that I don’t even know where to begin. This is exactly how I feel every day. I don’t think I even have the 3-4 days that you do. The difference between the two of us are the therapy, the drugs, and the success.
When I first started work at this marketing firm, my first job out of college, I was convinced that they would “find me out” and fire me like the no-talent fraud I am. Every day I’d have full-on panic attacks and I’d have to leave my desk, my floor, and my building just to breathe. But I’d always come back and do the job and get nothing but support and praise for my work. Still, that didn’t stop the panic attacks. Because I knew better than the people who hired me. i knew I was worthless.
I’ve been here for almost 7 years now. I’ve been promoted and given raises even as dozens of people have been laid off during my time. They love me. If only I could agree with them.
Every day can’t be a winner. But don’t judge who you are by a day. You have an explosively awesome blog. That’s really all I have to judge you on, but I think reading what someone wrote is an invitation inside the author’s soul and you have a wonderful one.
Thank you so much for this post. You have no idea how much this helps to know you go through the same crazy shit I go through. It doesn’t stop the crazy shit. But it helps.
I feel like a failure at least half the days in any given month…sometimes more. And I generally don’t have depression issues, I just expect too much of myself every single day. One of the things I remind myself of daily is that the vast majority of people only put the really good stuff on social media. They post pictures of their kids smiling and having a great day, not having a temper tantrum because you just couldn’t bring yourself to read The Cat in the Hat for the 10th time that day. They post status updates about how awesome their spouse is, not about the gigantic fight they just had about where the shoes should go or what kind of cereal to buy. Facebook can make depression worse. I know the computer is your work, but try to turn it off sometimes and take a break. It’s hard to live up to these idealized standards of what life should be.
I sat here for fifteen minutes and wrote something very detailed and personal, and then found I couldn’t press submit. Let me try again: If I didn’t have my daughters, I don’t think that I would still be here. I have trouble starting things because not only am I afraid of failure, but I’m afraid that maybe I’ll succeed and won’t be able to live up to this new set of expectations people will have of me. I’m also incredibly lonely. I can’t help feeling that if I acted the way I feel, no one could stand to be around me, and acting “normal” for them is incredibly exhausting.
I lost the point of what I was saying. Uhm.. I think it was along the lines of, no, it’s not just you. I admire the way that you put it all out there so that people like me can see that WE aren’t alone. I wish that none of us felt this way in the first place though.
Cuddling with your daughter while watching Little House is success in itself.
Something you said here…”I’m not very good at being a person”…Yes. Exactly. I’m not very good at living. Sometimes I go through periods where it’s all fine. I do what I have to do, get up everyday, go to work, come home, be a wife, go to bed and do it again the next day. And I am content. Every now and then I wake up from the daily minutiae and think to myself….what the hell am I doing? How can I possibly keep going? I went through therapy too and I still struggle with anxiety (I think we all do). But honestly, when it was really bad for me I felt the same way you did. Very few days did I feel good. Most days were just bearable. But the more time has passed, the more I have realized that everyone has to do the same things. We are all equally unprepared for them. And yet somehow, we all manage.
How many days a month?
Now its about 20, but I remember the days of 3-4
What feels the worst?
When I let myself pile all of the things that are wrong, or anxiety producing on top of each other until I start to shake
What do I do to feel more successful?
I exercise, I work on my fan blog, I talk about it (this one is the hardest to do, but it always releases the tension)
It is not just you. I lay in bed at night and catalog my failures from the past and wonder what I did all day. Recently a chunk of my days have been spent napping. That doesn’t do much for the old kicking ass and taking names attitude.
Hang in there.
My home will never be in a magazine. I write on the walls because the bareness makes me sad and the words let me feel like I’m expressing myself.
I’m doing good to put on a shirt before I go out to check the mail, IF I make it out to check the mail, on days I don’t actually have to go anywhere else.
I hit snooze until I’m running late for a part-time job where I have to fake knowing about things to make the sales numbers go up for the store because the bottom line matters more than happy customers and definitely more than happy employees. I have a degree that doesn’t matter to anyone else except the school because I still have to keep paying them off for the privilege of earning that piece of paper.
There are days that all I eat all day is a bowl of cereal, and there are days that the trash sits higher than the trash can for over a week before I do anything about it. I haven’t scrubbed a toilet in the house in over six months and I don’t care.
The moments I feel successful though are the moments that I hold on to during the rest of my life. I consider it a good day/part of a day when I successfully turn off the internet and pick up a real book to read, even for a few minutes. If I manage to eat the yogurt or lunch meat before it starts to turn green and fuzzy, that is a win.
I have boxes full of projects that were started with lovely ideas and the acquiring of things like glass cutting tools or yards of chains and beads because I thought I could make jewelry. I’m okay with not finishing some of them, they are reminders of those ideas and I am okay with taking bits from them for new ideas. Some of the projects will be worked on when I have the energy or the time, and until then they sit there and remind me that I can sometimes be creative.
I have boxes full of random post-it notes and scraps of paper with drawings and writing scraps, many that will never come to fruition, and some will be attempted for development some day.
I function.
I barely function by society standards.
But I thrive by creative-human-being standards.
And I’m okay with that when I remind myself of that. That there really is no ‘perfect’ life with the white picket fence or ironed shirts, and those people who manage to look put together are dealing with some other demons that we can’t see. I deal with other people the best I can, then retreat to my cave and do the things I want.
You know that XKCD comic where the stick figure fills her apartment with play pen balls and says something like “You’re the adult now. You get to decide what that means.” I use that quote to remind me no one has it all figured out and is all put together. You’re okay. You manage to do the things you want to do without using your powers for evil. Take the win.
There is someone that looks at you and thinks you have all your sh*t together and they don’t and they wonder why they can’t be like you. There is the image people portray (looking like they have their sh*t together) but yet they are making the same comparisons you are. You can only do what YOU can do…not what you THINK you should be doing based on your perceptions of other people. My children do wonderful in school, but I don’t have the time, energy or the desire to be a PTA mom, and that is okay. It’s important to be the best YOU you can be. If the best you can be is to go to the bank, then take that as a blessing. Don’t compare – because you don’t know what is really going on with the people you are comparing your self to.
This is the part that society never talks about. Parents, friends, teachers, family and authority figures and especially the media ALL tell us how successful we are or will become and make only the most fleeting references to failure. They shame any and everyone who becomes depressed or even just sad about their life and their hardships/failures. This is because no matter WHO you are you will always fail. People don’t understand that the road to success is a a patchwork quilt with lots of stains where ink, blood, piss, sweat and tears blend together seamlessly with the colors. But at the end of it all you can have one giant accomplishment or more likely a bunch of tiny yet very meaningful accomplishments.
Just like that patchwork quilt you will remember each and every one of those stains and ruined needlework that everyone else will ignore. Then you will think they are lying to you when they tell you how great you are or how great your work is. But they really aren’t. Just like you can’t immediately point out someones deepest failures upon first glance means that they can’t see yours. In most cases, each of these heartrending mistakes has to be confided before they ever come to light.
No one trots around all day, head held high feeling like a million dollars for more than a day. Some people fall into serious depression true but really they are just feeling an exaggerated version of what “normal” people feel like ALL THE TIME.
Would you like to know a secret? “Muddling along is the great secret to life. You take the good and the bad and try your best to cope with it as they happen. Most people struggle hard and feel like they’ll never succeed but they never give up even if they just slow down a little.”
Me personally? I’m dealing with massive identity issues and trying my damnedest not to fuck up what could be the greatest marriage and career in my life. I’m trying hard to temper my idealism and stop my rude and very hurtful words. I’m trying not to take things people say so personally and feel comfortable in my own skin. I will be satisfied if I can look in the mirror one day and smile at the person I see looking back at me. But for right now, I’ll frown and look away because my own face creeps me out and I never see anyone with a face even marginally similar to mine. You inspire me and so many others because you take the swirling chaos outside, the chaos inside you, and the chaos in your head and say, “Fuck it, this spot is as good as any for a picnic!” Make a nest and settle down trying not to be ripped from your bed of sticks into the maelstrome. And every once in a while you have the balls to laugh at the absurdity of chaos and describe it to us so that all may take courage and share in your small joys that are so big to everyone else.
I think it’s a combination of things that can cause this, and I think a lot of us feel this way. I know I feel like this at least once a day, if not more often, even though logically (and per my Mom) I know that I’m pretty darn successful and doing pretty well.
I think part of what contributes to it is our access to other peoples’ lives through the lens of social media – when people post on Facebook / Twitter / Instagram / etc…, often they are giving us the best, most interesting version of themselves and their lives, which can give us a really skewed view, and make us feel worse in comparison. Especially in the age of the humble brag, people use social media to show off their accomplishments and to share the most exciting moments of their lives – most people don’t post about cleaning the bathroom or staying in their PJs watching old episodes of Star Trek all day (even though we totally do those things too). So I know there are times I feel bad when I see people from my peer group posting fabulous adventures and achievements, but I also try to remind myself pretty regularly that they have bad days too – they just aren’t posting them.
Another good way I’ve found to combat this is to take a look at my Facebook (or Twitter, or Instagram, etc…) page (especially when I’m logged out / viewing it as one of my friends), and pay attention to how great my life looks from the outside (good job, photos of family, friends, pets, food, and vacations, etc…). Helps put it in perspective.
Not only does depression lie, but people lie about what their lives look like behind the curtain. I am in awe of how much you accomplish. I don’t get much done, but after coming close to dying, I’m okay with whatever I do get done because it’s what I did. Because it’s just life and I’m not Abraham Lincoln nor do I want to be. I’m just me and that’s fine.
You are good, you are brave and you get enough done. And we all love you.
First, you said, “I’m not very good at being a person.” This depends on how you define “being a person.” If you define “being a person” as simply breathing and existing, you’re doing a bangup job of being a person! Seriously! How to Be A Person all depends on how you define that. And you can always change how you define that. Some days you can set the bar higher than other days.
Secondly, comparing one’s self to other is a faulty comparison. We are able to see everything about our own lives, the good and the bad, the internal stuff as well as the external. Of other people, we only see bits and pieces, the “highlight reel”, if you will. We can only make a true comparison of others if we are able to see their goods and bads, their internal stuff as well as the external, which is damn near impossible. We can’t know what other people’s lives are *really* like unless we can be other people. (Good luck with that.) So, ,if we can’t *really* know what it’s like to be someone else, true, accurate comparisons are impossible.
All of that said, I know how easy it is to try to make those comparisons. I think we all do it. But it doesn’t mean that the comparison is true.
I just love who you are.
Those who appear to be supermom, super employee, and super friend are generally just better at “presentation”.
Get a tutor or dial up Sylvan for the homework (you will thank me later).
I am a 56 year old single mother with children that appear to be “finished products” and I am finally at a good place in my career. The hectic ride to get here was sometimes awful, but in retrospect I wouldn’t change much.
Thank you for being you. You make a lot of people feel better about themselves, so I hope I gave back a little. Everytime I see a post on FB, I smile before I even read it. 🙂
Oh Jenny – Im pretty sure you belong in my family. My mom, sister and I all have a long running afair with depression. Which oddly enough, even when we are “healthy” leave us all with deep seated fears of failure.
Ya know how the moment your kid exits your vag, they start opening your eyes to wonderful life lessons that we somehow managed to not understand before we let the howler monkeys out? The BIGGEST lesson I have learned is this: Motherhood is all about surviving. Everyday we just do whatever we have to do to get through the day. (Its why women snarking on other women’s parenting irritates me). Some days that means sitting the baby in front of elmo so you can poop alone. Sometimed that means we eat 4 crackers, a spoonful of peanut butter and half an iffy banana for dinner because there isnt any fight left to get the 3 year old to eat the chicken you made. If everyone is reasonably well fed and watered and with no major injuries, call it a win! Anything that gets done beyond , that is a bonus. The only way I am surviving life is because I can call my mom/ sister/ bestfriend – rant/ cry it out and EVERYTIME they say “and you made it!” Or genuinely excited ” you took a shower?! Thats fucking awesome! YOU ARE A ROCKSTAR!” Because some days, managing to shower is the equivilent of clombing Mt. Rushmore with a coyote gnawing on your leg. While blind. – Having people who realllly understand that and will remind you that “Hey! Everyone is alive! Good for you!” Makes all the difference.
Hi.
Mother of 2 now grown children here, and I can tell you that what you are talking about is extremely common. No one can stand up to the standards of all those shiney perfect people you are looking at. They all have their own issues that may not obvious, but they are there. I went through years of guilt, feeling that anything I did wasn’t enough. I was home with the kids a few years, I worked part time a few years, I worked full time a few years, and in every situation I was guilty about what I was/wasn’t accomplishing. You have to set your own standards. You are uniquely who you are, and no one can offer what you can. I occasionally volunteered at school, I chaperoned a couple of camping trips……basically I did what fit into my life and things I was interested in at the time. At the time I felt like it was never enough. But in hindsight, it was the right thing each time – right for me. There are no rules here, other than being a good human being in general and a good example for your daughter. Through all my self-doubt and feeling inadequate, I have two exceptional grown children. Everything else is secondary. You have to make your own path.
Hi hun, Just wanted to add my 2 cents.
I’ve felt very much the way you described since I was in school (about 15 years ago). One of the things I try to remind myself of is that, just as there are people in my life who don’t realise how important they are to me, there are people that I’m equally as important to, no matter how much I may doubt it at times. I don’t have children or a partner so being alone does make this difficult at times.
Whenever my anxiety really peaks, there is no definitive way for me to ‘get over it’ because, as you know probably far better than I, the whole problem is that those feelings do take over.
So ultimately I just find something that can distract my attention for a while – reading one of my favourite books, putting on some ridiculously hyper music and jumping around the room like an idiot, generally just finding something that is guaranteed to make me laugh – which several times has included reading your brilliant blog.
I don’t know if this will help at all but ultimately I wanted you to know that, as with all the other posts above, there are many of us that understand so please don’t feel that you’re alone in this. And know that at the times you are having these feelings, it is very likely that somewhere someone else is feeling happier and calmer just from reading something you’ve written.
I understand, and I feel like that more and more these days because of things. I wondered the same thing and spoke with some of my co-workers who are in this with me and found I am not alone and that actually helped. It didn’t change the circumstances but just knowing I’m not alone helped. I started therapy to address this and other issues that I have struggled with over the years. My problem is it feels like all the things are coming all at once and I struggle now where somehow I managed before and don’t know why I did then and not now. My son helped me to realize how fortunate I am, that I have a son and daughter in law that love me, a husband that loves and supports me and we have so much where so many have much much less. So, I remembered what I did when things were really bad, failure was not an option and I will carry on and succeed if not for me then for the ones I love. At the time it was for my son and despite all the crap we went through he is an awesome successful man that I am so very proud of. So these days I am struggling but must believe I will come out on the other end in one piece. These days I don’t feel “on” because I’m working for a failing company and will lose my job soon. I feel like all the work I’ve done for the last 20 years is for nothing and its really hard now. I must believe that this will pass and it will get better and can’t wait until I feel like I’ve kicked ass again. I’m scared as hell to find a new job but excited to as well because I want to kick ass again and I haven’t felt like that in a long time. I trust my family and they have faith in me, so I have to as well. I watched a TED talk that really seemed like something that can help me in how I perceive myself, it may give you some reassurance as well. Here is a link to the talk by Amy Cuddy.
http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html
I hope I made sense.
I recently survived a ruptured brain aneurysm. 50% of people drop dead on the spot and total survival rate is about 30%. Of that 30% a staggering 66% of them have permanent brain damage. Plus, survival is typically measured in years and yet, I’m 100 days out from it, completely recovered and back to my old life. No matter how bad my day, I’m alive and I feel like I’m accomplishing something. Being alive is enough.
Perfection is a facade. We all have shit going on behind the scenes, some hide it better than others, you are not alone. Be the best you can be each day and never look back and feel inadequate. Your family will love you no matter what.
Fight it, and be proud that you have fought it, even if you haven’t accomplished anything. Then do some research on your diseases, even if you already know everything you need to know about them. It always helps me to read yet again the mayo clinic site about depression or anxiety, even though its basically telling me “if you’re still depressed after everything you’ve tried, sorry, I got nothin.” There’s just something about reading that very clinical jargon that makes me remember that I have a DISEASE. It’s fucked up but its not just me being a terrible failure of a human being. It’s not my fault. I can’t always control it. Sometimes the best I can do is to brush my teeth, or clean one dish. Sometimes I can do more, but as long as I am trying to fight it- I try to remind myself to be nice to me.
I also try to remember what my dad told me once- he also suffers from all sorts of mental illness. He said “stop hating yourself SO much for what you consider “failing”. You have a sickness, its a physical disability. Expecting yourself to be able to function normally is unfair. It would be like having a broken leg, but still expecting yourself to be able to run a marathon. Give yourself a break.”
All those perfect people have one thing in common, they have learned to fake it in public. Most of them cry while taking a shower and feel just as unsatisfied with life as you, they just pretend…because that way they don’t have to face anything and it gets them through tomorrow with little effort (although it seems their life uses a lot of effort, which it does, just a different kind.) Searching for an answer to why you feel the way you do is pointless and it will drive you mad, there is no answer except this is who you are, stop looking for a reason why, for the same reason I was born blonde (which I dye it red now) and for the same reason I act out scenarios in the shower to see how I might react if ever in a certain situation or how I wish I had reacted differently to a certain situation…its just the way it is, it doesn’t have to make sense. Getting through until the really bad parts are over (which really bad to other people doesn’t appear to be really bad but they don’t deal with the mess in your head so they can suck it) I get through these parts with accomplishments…never go to bed with out accomplishing something…even as minor as it may be…I did the dishes today so there, I was good for something! I get little bursts of feel good. Like for 5 minutes a feeling will come over me like Christmas time as a kid..and as quickly as it came it will be gone. But those little feelings, as fleeting as they may be, and the little accomplishments as dorky as they may be keeps me from death, cuz death is ugly and stinky and gray and all rotten and crumby and so definite, I try to avoid it. Because one day I’ll be the grandma, and so much less with be my fault when Im a senior, and that’s where I’m headed…see you there!
Unnnhhhh….I can relate from when I was younger (I’m 51). When you’re older, and wiser, you’ll realize how amazingly well you did today. And yesterday. And every day. The world will be happy to beat you up, and it needs no help from you. Do you not have someone to tell you how amazing you are? If not, then you’ll have to tell yourself. Or call me. I owe you big, since your book made me laugh out loud many times while I was recuperating from chemo.
I don’t know if this is helpful at all, but it was for me. I went to my 25-year class reunion a few years ago. I was (am) way overweight, and I was not looking forward to facing the kids I went to school with, who had made it through the years more successful and better looking than I. I decided that I didn’t want to compete with anybody, that I wanted to make sure that every person I came in contact with felt better after talking with me than they did before. I wanted to make sure that, if they were feeling as insecure as I was, once they talked to me, they felt cuter, thinner, and more successful than they had on entering the reunion. I had the best time! I didn’t worry about how wide my ass looked in my dress, or whether my Spanx had given up the ghost (they had). And apparently, my virtue was rewarded! The class queen hit on my husband! And all I could do was laugh, laugh, laugh.
Nobody’s got it as together as they seem. Everybody’s got their burdens. Like they say on the airplane, put on your own mask first. Count up your accomplishments every day. Did she do all her homework on Thursday night? Lots of folks don’t bother with their kids’ homework. I think you’re marvelous.
Hi there,
Man I hear ya, after reading your book I really wished we could be friends because we have a lot in common (and you are HILARIOUS). However, I lived in Texas for 3 months and I’m never going back again. What the hell is up with all the giant bugs? It’s like some experimental mutants bred with regular bugs. Too hot, people are too weird, and vultures tried to eat my pizza when I was having a picnic on the beach.
I’ve been in a giant funk for a month now – but now I got a job – and I’m coming out slowly. Maybe you need to go volunteer at a nursing home for an hour a week or at a humane shelter walking the dogs – you could get material for your books/blogs that way – you could volunteer somewhere new each week – you wouldn’t need to do anything but just ask nurses which residents could use a visitor. I begin bawling in a shelter as soon as I enter, but maybe you won’t – I know the dogs are so very thankful for walks. Cats would love tinfoil balls or pompoms from a craft store – just go and give each cat a pompom.
Screw the “shiny happy people”. Screw them. They are a bunch of fakes. Their parents were fakes, their grandparents were fakes, and most, if not all, rich people in this world got their money in a dishonest way or by being handed it. There is no American Dream. People are meant to stay in the class they are born in and you have to fight tooth and nail to get out. Screw the PTA – don’t feel like you have to be a member – I was a teacher for 3 years and there was always a bossy bully in the PTA and a bunch of minions. Honestly, teachers don’t like going to those meetings. You can do a lot more by just donating stuff to your daughter’s classroom – one rich lady I knew used to give a check at the start of school, like a grand or something crazy, but there are plenty of other things like dry erase markers and new crayons and pencils they can use, that the teacher would appreciate – Clorox wipes, etc.
Do you have a bike? A bike ride can really make me feel better when I’m in a fetal position feeling like a loser. Jogging is even better, and I am so slow those silly power walker old ladies could lap me but the endorphins can’t be beat, and if you have a track nearby, just do 2 laps at first, work up to 4. When you run around the neighborhood or whatever, sometimes you don’t feel as accomplished as you do on a track. You can tell how far you have gone, you can see the finish line…treadmills are tough because you can still feel like you’re not accomplishing anything. B vitamin supplements and D vitamin supplements might help, and have you heard of this new pill called V3? I bought a bottle and it really gave me more energy and improved my mood. I didn’t lose weight, but I also didn’t follow the directions very well. I have difficulty with that.
Gratitude journal – write something you’re thankful for in it, every morning.
Finally, I tried Prozac and Cymbalta, but didn’t really get rid of the constant terrible things running on a loop in my head until Zoloft. I take Ativan too, but I think I need a higher dose. It works pretty well. I’m not a fan of Cymbalta really – and it is ridiculously expensive. I think the anti-anxiety drugs are what I most need – my freak outs are literally out of body experiences at times. If I were you I think I’d try to work on your med ratios and discuss your feelings with your doctor.
And finally finally, you need to remind yourself that your book helped people like me to get through one of the roughest summers I’ve ever lived through – and you make a difference. YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE. That is all that matters in life. I eagerly await your next book, but no pressure!!!! 🙂
It’s NOT YOU. Those people are everywhere. How in the world do these women have time to get their kids to school AND do their hair? I think they DON’T do other things. They don’t write. Or do all the housework themselves. Or obsessively garden. Or work 50 hours a week. Or whatever.
1. Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes with other people’s highlight reel (Fuck you, Facebook. And fuck you, people who pretend to have their shit together when they are hiding in the bathtub with a sleeve of Oreos and a book at night just like the rest of us.)
2. Change your definition of success. Your kid happy and loved? Your house not condemned by any official ordinance? Making enough money to buy Nutella? You are fine. Neither of us is going to be Marie Curie, or even Marie Osmond, and that’s okay.
3. You know that most of the shiny people also feel like impostors, right? Maybe more so, because they put all that effort into the shiny book jacket that is eyeliner and ironed clothing.
4. As long as you are making cumulative progress (regression is part of that but as long as it doesn’t dominate…), just keep on keepin’ on.
I was so proud of myself today because I finally made it to the post office to buy stamps so that I could mail my brother-in-laws birthday card (his bday was a week ago and I’ve been carrying the card around hoping I might pass a post office in my daily travels). I purposefully left work early to be there by 5pm. I got there at 4:40 and read the sign announcing their new hours…..and they now close at 4. So even though I was all proud of myself, I still wasn’t successful. But, this is what people expect of me now…which isn’t much. And it’s ok.
And all those shiny, happy people on Facebook (or in the PTA, or next door, or wherever) aren’t really happy. I tell myself that every single day when I leave the house in the morning all frazzled praying I don’t get a speeding ticket as I drive like I’m in NASCAR to work. With my lunch still sitting on the counter because I forgot it.
I don’t think it is your mental illness. I think it is our super competitive society which is even more emphasized by social media. To the world, I’m really just mediocre. But to my dog I’m the world. And I have people who love me for me….and that really should be enough for us…..
I’m turning 50 and so far, this year, I have painted a dining room. That’s it. I don’t work because I’m paralyzed with the fear of going out to a job and being tied to something I hate. Everyone says I should write but my imagination is shite. I also have a lymphoma on my ass that makes me exhausted and I feel like a jerk because who the fuck gets lymphoma on their ass? There’s no foundation for it and most people just go “Oh, how interesting” when I tell them I have a cancer only diagnosed 80 times a year, anywhere in the world. I even bore the dermatopathologist who treats it because it’s so amazingly boring. To top that off, everyone and I mean fucking everyone is going around getting their Master’s degrees in everything while I couldn’t pass prechemistry. Correct that. I couldn’t even do the first problem on the first page. I had a meltdown panic attack and had to come home. I have meltdown panic attacks for the most random things. And on the mom front: I missed the memo that Tuesday was school picture day so my daughter wore the wrong outfit and Wednesday was drama club, of which I am a co-director, but no one bothered to call me which means no one missed me and I feel like I suck. I consider a great day one where I clean the cat box AND feed the cats. i forgot my daughters needed shots. I bought the wrong size shirts for my daughter and they’re too big and I really really want to homeschool her anyway but I can’t because my husband doesn’t think I could handle it. I feel dumb and lazy and those blogs where Suzie Q. and her hap-hap-happy life exist make me want to scream. And you made me cry because sometimes, your blog is so funny and sometimes whack, but today, you made me feel like it’ll be okay, that just because things are weird sometimes and I don’t feel accomplished or special, it’s not so bad because I’m not alone. I don’t know if I should blame a super-achiever mom or society or myself or my hormones, but it feels not so awful knowing I’m not alone. And neither are you. I’m sorry this is so sketchy and so me-centric. I just have felt the world that was passing me by suddenly start crashing in this week and I think you know how it feels when the depression doesn’t just kick in, it sort of roooollllls slowly onto you until suddenly you have a weight on your shoulders and it all feels like crap. Reading your post today, I felt some of that lift off. Strength in numbers, maybe? We can give up, give in, or lean on each other for support. Lean on me, kitten. I don’t have answers but I have an ear and a sympathetic shoulder that can now handle a little more.
You are spot on in this post!
Look at it this way… I read your blog daily. I spotted the gal next to me on the airplane reading your book. It was so hard not to ask her to just let me read it because I don’t have it yet and she could read it later. I put my sunglasses on and read over her shoulder… and then scared her when I laughed out loud!
If your talents made someone on an airplace creep over a strangers shoulder to read your work… you hit a homerun!
I am a mother of two. I fight with myself with I get this feeling like I feel more accomplished and fullfilled at work then raising my children. I have just learned that is ok to say I would make a horse shit stay at home mom. I have to be ok with that, and if someone isn’t… f-them.
Keep your head up. You are not alone in how you feel. I have had to selective reading your blog at work because sometimes I laugh to much I know people have caught on to my lack of working right then and there. But it gets me through the day 🙂
And p.s. I love your posts about the conversations you have with your husband. You prove that being husband and wife is a very real thing, and it really isn’t all fricken roses and sunshine . You can get on each others nerves and freak each other out. That is real love.
I get it- I totally get it. I know what that “imposter” feeling is like. I don’t have a lot of days where I think I kick ass. I have a lot of days where I’m struggling to make it through, a lot of days where I am just coasting, and just a couple of days where I’m feeling awesome. For me, that’s my depression in check. If it gets worse than than that, I know I need to change something- my activities, my habits, my medicine, etc. If I start feeling too good for too long, I start becoming paranoid that I’m manic. It’s a very tough disease we struggle with. Sometimes I feel like life could be so much better, but I’m settling by accepting my depression and not drugging myself up entirely that am a helium balloon. It’s hard to live this way, and people don’t understand unless they are struggling with it not just daily, but hourly. Good luck in your quest for an answer. There’s a lot of us who understand your pain, but not a lot who know how to help us. Keep surviving, and be hopefully that tomorrow will at least not be as bad as today.
Definitely, 3-5 days a month, max. All other days, I wonder why I can’t even get a load of laundry done. I am depressed and take meds for it and drink too much. Have NEVER had the energy to join the PTA (only 1 kid–just like you, and he’s a winner, just like yours). But all my friends tell me how pulled together I am and how they envy my life. It’s easy to fool people.
I have no problems with depression or anxiety, yet I still feel as if a good month includes only 3-4 kick-ass days. Pretty sure you’re perfectly normal! (On that front)
You’re not alone at all.
Facebook will take down an entire generation of people that think everyone else’s life is all rainbows and roses. It is a perpetual Christmas letter where you only post the fun times with your friends, or only the pictures where you look amazing. It’s not real life!
Pinterest is another one – I’m not crafty at all and figure it’s just a place to pin things I like and not that I’m actually supposed to do. It’s my dreamland.
I didn’t read all the other comments, but I LOVED your book and your blog and know that you brought happiness into my life and the lives of many others just by sharing a part of yourself.
We’re all screwed up in our own weird ways and that’s what makes us unique. Embrace it. Embrace us. We’re here for you and I sincerely mean it when I say ‘have a great day”!
Oh – and no pressure, but I’d love it if you’d finish that next book! <3
I’m a huge fan of yours and from my perspective, you’re very successful. And I’m really surprised that you get writers block so often because I always wonder you ever come up with so many funny, entertaining, and moving things to say on a regular basis. With that being said, and while I don’t know a lot about mental illness, if you’re feeling unfilled, that may be your mind telling you that you’re not giving 100% each day and that you’re cheating yourself out of your full potential. Again, from my perspective, I think you’re a good and success person who has done way more with your life than most, but I think one should judge themselves against only themselves, not anyone else. Because only you know what your true potential is. If you have a passion that you’re not pursuing, whether it’s volunteering at an animal shelter, offering free writing classes to under privileged children in your area, spending more time with your family, or even learning something that you’ve always been curious about, that may be a good place to start. You’re such an inspiration to so many people, including myself, and I hope you find the answers you’re looking for.
I think I see what you’re saying. I think its normal to feel like you don’t live up to the people you see on facebook or at parent teacher nights because what you’re seeing is them at their best. I’m sure there really are people who are really responsible and put together and always have a clean house but that can’t be very fun and I don’t think I’d like to be their friend.
However, I think the amount you’re worrying about being a failure or a fraud might be anxiety related. You’re not exactly going out and making a show of how perfectly together you have everything are you? So I don’t think anyone could accuse you of being a fraud when you really own who you are.
I work shift work and I love to spend my days off cuddling with my dog on the couch killing time on the internet. But I’ve definitely noticed I may feel like I’m being productive by pinning bedroom design pictures or meal planning I’m always left with the feeling that I haven’t really done anything at the end of the day. On days when I don’t let myself turn the tv or computer on I end up doing small jobs like putting my wedding photos into an album or throwing out expired food from the fridge and it feels better. I guess what I’m saying is it might help to force yourself to spend more time away from your friend the internet…
Jenny! I’ve been reading your blog for two (or three?) years (it’s the only one I read) but this is the 1st time I’ve commented. I haven’t taken the time to read the first 1200+ comments above me (yikes!), but the glimpses I’ve had seem to correspond with what I had to say which is…GOD HELP you if you ever DO become one of those pastel-y PTA moms! THOSE WOMEN NEED HELP. While I don’t struggle with depression, or even have a lot of “blue” days, I’ve never felt like I’ve accomplished everything I should; I just don’t beat myself up about it. I work, Mon-Fri, 7:30a-4:30p, I go home, “maybe” I’ll walk (I should, I’m trying to lose weight so I don’t have another heart attack), but mostly I think about cooking dinner and, often DO, then my husband and I watch TV until bed time.
I used to keep fairly busy…raised two sons. I worked graveyard shift in those days, while my husband worked swing shift, so I took the boys to practice and went to ball games, and concerts, and parent-teacher conferences, but I didn’t head up any committees, or even belong to the PTA. The difference between you and I is that I don’t have voices in my head telling me I’m not doing enough (or maybe I’m just not paying attention to them)…other than that, YOU ARE NORMAL!!
I don’t have the background (aka: depression/mental issues) to be able to tell you that I feel your pain. What I CAN tell you is that, I truly admire you and how you manage to post a blog, write a book, raise a child, stay married…all extraordinary things, by the way…in SPITE of your illness! Stay with it, Jenny…you are doing just fine.
As I’m writing this, you have 1439 comments! So you may never read this one. But 1439 comments! Surely, we are not alone in feeling this way. Here’s my personal theory on it. I think that in this time of social media, we feel like we know a lot of about people around us. But the only thing people post on facebook or whatever is the Most Awesome Stuff I’ve Ever Done. So we go around reading that bullshit all day, and it’s no wonder we find ourselves inadequate. But the fact is that no one’s life is nearly as perfect as their twitter feed would lead us to believe. Maybe the picture of their cute toddler on Santa’s lap was taken just after the little one threw an epic temper tantrum waiting in line. Maybe the resort vacation put them further into a debt problem. We don’t know! So my solution has been to start ignoring the fake shit, and pay more attention to real people that are willing to put themselves out there in an honest way. You know, like you do.
I feel the same way. I have a successful job, bought my first house by myself, I do my best to support my friends and family but I always feel inadequate. My house is usually a mess, needs vacuuming, needs dishes to be done, needs floors to be washed, laundry to be done, boxes to be unpacked (even though I moved in 3 years ago), yard work to do, I never measure up. I look at other people who seem to have it all together and wonder what am I doing wrong that I don’t have that clean house, clean car, mowed yard… I think we all go through this to some extent, but you’re right, I feel successful about 3 or 4 days a month normally. However, I recently started getting hypnosis to work on my self confidence, self acceptance, forgiveness, and I think it is making a difference for me. I feel better in the mornings, I’m no longer dragging my ass, my 3 pm wall isn’t hitting me, I’ve reduced my sugar intake (it was HUGE). Hypnosis and an antidepressant, that’s my trick to looking like I’ve got my shit together; truth is I don’t, but I try and I think that makes all the difference in the world. Keep doing your best when you can, I love that you make sure to make time for your daughter, she will cherish those memories forever.
I have piles of “to be done” stuff sitting around in laundry baskets (including my theoretical Christmas letter from 2010), the house is never really clean, and right now my hair is dirty and I was too lazy to wash it this morning so I went to work this way. I also suffer from depression, but I have learned not to let those nagging things eat away at me ALL the time. I have a few things that I KNOW I have done well, and I try to keep them in my mind when I’m feeling low. But a lot of it is just that my meds are working, so don’t feel worse because you have trouble doing that. And be suspicious of those “pastel people” who appear to have everything under control; I suspect there are issues they keep behind a curtain, like the Wizard of Oz. Conclusion: No, it’s not just you. And please, remember that you have helped many, many people by being honest and being yourself!
I’m struggling to find a day this year when I’ve ‘kicked ass’ still breathing, clean underwear and getting out of bed before my kids have gone to school are my achievements most days. I don’t suffer from mental illness ( anemic over tired and poor time management what Dr says)
Your next book should be a dictionary because you’ve a fantastic way of finding obvious words which should be used more often!
I know exactly how you feel. Something that helps me is to remember that when I look at the those shiny, happy people with “pastel” lives that I am comparing my worst with their best. I know all my deep dark secrets, my failures and my inadequacies, at the same time those people have their “game face” on and are strutting their best shit.
My best advise… do something nice for someone else. It will make you feel accomplished and give you you that warm and fuzzy feeling.
Oh… BTW, EVERY TIME you post something (except this time of course) you make me laugh. I know I am not alone in this. You make me laugh. You remind me it’s okay to be human. I call that successful.
Do you know why the grass is always greener on the other side? You don’t have to mow it. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Just be you. Just be. If you don’t accomplish anything today, fine. Who says that you need to? Just be. I promise that that is enough for the people who love you and for those you love. Just be.
I never post comments on blog posts. Mostly because I don’t have anything to add. Or because I’m feeling lazy. Usually both. But I had to post on this one.
I feel exactly the same way. Some months I feel pretty awesome about what/how I’m doing 50% of the time. Other months, I’m lucky if I don’t feel like a worse person (in nearly every possible way) compared to everyone else in the world for a day. Most months fall somewhere in between these two extremes.
I don’t know if I get through it well, but if I focus really hard on not looking back to what I didn’t do the day before, it gives me hope for the current day. It doesn’t always work. And I always feel better when I do accomplish something beyond the minimum. That’s still not enough to drive me to actually be super accomplished every day, but it helps.
It really helps me to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Thank you so much for posting this.
Hi Jenny. Here’s the deal. Extremely bright people suffer. Suffering is part of the fuel. If you had to trade it for that pastel life you’d be dangling from a bedsheet in no time flat. Keep this in mind: for most of the world’s history we used dried shit for fuel. You and other creative people now do that metaphorically. And being alive enough to experience the many insane colors of life means that you also have the capacity to torture yourself with your own hyper-thinking brilliance. The smartest people I know ache the most, doubt the most, and take it out on themselves the most. This is actually normal. The best suggestion I have is to check out some zen lit, at least read about quieting the mind, and turn every bit of shit you find yourself sitting in into a bonfire that that lights the sky so that someone sitting in their own shit somewhere sees a glimmer worth crawling toward. Oh wait, you do that anyway. Hugs, J*, a big ol’ fan.
Every single day, I’m afraid that I won’t be good enough. Every. Single. Day.
Most days, I am. Some days, I’m not. But there’s always another day.
I feel great most of the time (95%?), but years ago I did experience persistent feelings of self-loathing. For me, the change has been finding an acitivity I’m passionate about, working out, and eating healthy. Getting out in nature also contributes to my happiness. These are little steps, but they make a huge difference and have kept me solid through some major life events. I can be lazy, drink too much, take too many sleeping pills, etc., but I never give up on myself or allow the inner-voices to be too hard on me. I just try to improve a little each day. Always just get up and get back on the horse.
On average, I don’t feel like I’m failing at life a few days a month. And when those days are at the beginning of month one and then end of month two, then it’s a pretty fucking long time to feel shitty.
I think you just described my day to day living. From the outside I look like I have my shit together, but I know better. Does my house get cleaned? Um. No. I have more important things to do. Like play on facebook. Or read a book. Or play an instrument. That’s what I do to de-stress, by the way. I have decided to learn how to play as many instruments as I possibly can in my lifetime. When I’m playing music, everything else goes away. I never feel like I’m “good enough”, as a wife, as a mother, as an individual, you understand. But I try. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don’t, but I don’t stress too much about having a clean house anymore. Nobody has a clean house unless they’re freaks of nature LOL. I still have boxes of Christmas stuff out. In September. Guess I’ll just leave them out at this point…
What can I add that has not been said in the 1436 comments before? Life seems to be about comparisons and expectations. They should be cut short from the moment we’re born, and not overly encouraged.
You seem like a normal person with normal anxiety issues and questionings. I’m very suspicious of lives that seem pastel colored. That’s not normal, what you describe is. Right now I feel very low on the productive scale. It changes constantly. And it doesn’t bother me anymore, because it will change again. I will feel on top soon.
A lot of days, I’m just happy I didn’t break the deep fryer again, and that I spilled as little blood as possible and only fell over a few people.
I have spent years feeling exactly like that without a book or a blog or a job. I had adopted two children from Russia with special needs (how do you find out you are ADD? Finding your child diagnosis sounds terribly familiar) Everyone always said how wonderful I was for adopting these children which is bogus. I adopted them for me. I stayed home at first because they needed me then I wondered if i was using that as an excuse. The fraud police were already knocking at the door. I was sure my children would have been better off if they were being raised by my perfect ( and perfectly wonderful) next door neighbor. I was too tired for PTA or the Russian Adoption support group. Papers that needed to go back to school were almost always late. I had to scramble at the last minute to get them in camps or anything. And yes I was being treated for depression and ADHD.
But you.. If you never do anything else telling me (and many others I’m sure” Depression is a lying bastard” validates you for eternity. It hit me in the head like a ton of bricks. I really thought at least part of what was going through my mind was me being brutally honest with myself. You have saved my sanity more than once. I can’t believe I stumbled over you thinking you were just a funny writer.
Oh by the way. I just completed my special education certificate. got my first job as a special ed teacher and am one course and a thesis from a masters degree in Educational Psychology. I came out of the darkness (although the fraud police still come knocking)
I haven’t felt entirely successful at a lot of things lately, cause I just haven’t felt like it. I have been through this in the past day and a half where I have felt like this for at least the past few years. I know more what I want in my life, but it’s like I set my expectations so fucking high that I feel like it’s not attainable. More to the point, I hate my job and there’s only one part of my life that I actually enjoy – and I don’t get to enjoy it as often as I’d like. Since my anxiety attack last year I’ve been pretty scared to challenge myself (though I know I have with this job and such because I hate it yet I’m still doing it) and I know I’ve made giant strides in my life, I’m nowhere near close to where I want to be in life, and I’m not sure when I’ll get there. Most of it is because work third shift and I already feel like I’m not like the rest of the world. I feel behind most of my friends and classmates, and while I’ve realized that “I’m not on the same life path” as everyone else, it still sucks. But I’m trying to overcome it all.
Love you, Jenny. We’re there. Most of us, anyway. We all feel it. Not that that makes it suck less. Maybe it even makes it suck more, to know that so many people are unfulfilled and trying to not freak out every day. Here’s to figuring out ourselves. I wrote about you today, too: http://andreaworks.wordpress.com/2013/09/05/knock-knock-anxiety-mutherfukker/
I’m lucky if I get one or two good days a month- I have a boss who constantly berates me, a husband who can’t understand why calling the bank sends me into tears hiding under a desk, and the complete and utter inability to settle into any kind of routine ever, unless you count utter avoidance routine. I’m terrified of taking drugs for my depression or anxiety because everyone in my family besides me (and I do mean EVERYONE, even my 14 year old brother) has massive addiction problems, and I refuse to allow that to happen to myself, even if it means I spend my days wishing I could just die already so I don’t have to deal with the whole being alive business. I’m working on getting better, and though when I look at it logically, I know I am, but it never feels like it. I always feel like it should be more, right away. So no, it’s not just you. Your blog has saved my life on at least one occasion, so thank you so much for continuing to write and laugh and struggle and succeed, even if it doesn’t feel like it to you. I hope one day it does.
Also, I apologize if that was rambling and badly constructed, I’m trying to get this all out before I change my mind about posting. I know how to speak and type english, I swear.
Okay so here goes. Yes … Yes everyone has these feelings to some extent. Yes… Some of them are just lying about it if they say they don’t. Yes …. Some people are better at handling it then others. Yes … the more ‘put together’ someone seems in PTA the more likely they are trying to cover up some dark secret. (Hoarder, compulsive cleaner, coke addict, pill popper, control freak, arsonist, sexual predator)
I have my share of depressed days. I would love nothing more than to curl up in a ball and sleep for a week – or two – or even a month if someone would bring me a snack. Instead I self medicate. Food. Drugs and booze do nothing for me. I can take or leave them. I am a textbook introverted extravert. I never needed a drink to convince me to dance on a table – thought it is smart to keep one around in case you need to blame your behavior on said drink. Thankfully my food addiction worked in conjunction with my fear of people who talk behind my back to keep me from dancing on said tables professionally and living out my pitiful existence as a pole dancing crack whore. Fat can be your friend when it comes to keeping your moral compass pointing due north.
So how do I keep my head above water – I wonder daily. I have developed a callous – and a die hard I just don’t give a fuck attitude. But it didn’t come easy. Rock bottom was filling out forms to have my three kidnapped daughters listed on the side of a milk carton. It was getting the call from the FBI that an attempt had been made to take them out of the country. You find a way to fight when it isn’t your own life on the line.
The girls are now all grown women. I have grandchildren. I still wake up and go to work most every day. I still self medicate. Food pushes the depression down, but it isn’t really any better of a choice than sleeping my life away.
Still… the perfect little homeroom teacher mom that my kids couldn’t stand in 4th grade just got convicted of molesting a male student, the rich cheerleaders parents are so behind on their bills their business is in danger of going under, and at the last PTA meeting I attended they were passing around one of their kids prescription bottles… so none of them are coping with life any better than I am.
More than 1300 comments so far? I’d say this feeling is pretty widespread. I know it’s how I feel most of the time. Any positives I attribute to luck or to someone else, but I own the everloving hell out of the negatives.
I struggle with anxiety and depression along with a host of other medical issues, so I haven’t got a very big “bouquet of spoons” even on a good day. My son gets first priority and everything else gets what’s left. I still haven’t adjusted to the fact that I have to budget my physical and emotional resources and so I hit the end of almost every day exhausted and disappointed in myself for the little I managed to do (while also feeling that what I did do isn’t good enough). Maybe I did the laundry but it’s in the basket, not folded, so I obviously suck. I drove my son to his appointments and therapies and got my husband to work, but dinner was straight out of the freezer and into the oven? More proof I suck. And so on.
Last week, I can remember holding out some dirty clothes that I’d missed when I did laundry that day to my husband and saying, in all seriousness and with tears in my eyes, “See? A competent person would NOT have missed these! I’m just a screw-up at everything!”.
You are not alone. I don’t know if there’s any adjustment to meds or anything else that will help.
And I really wonder if most the “perfect” people who are always busy and on every committee do so much because they are too afraid to slow down and hear what their inner voices have to say to them. Everyone copes differently, right?
Try to stop comparing yourself to other people. Or think of the poor schmucks out here that compare our lives to yours and think “I’m funny, but I’ll never be that funny”.
You are not alone. We all feel like frauds sometimes. Also…I know you love Social media and while it is great, it is kind of a tool that allows you to manufacture a perfect life. People put the best photos, happy events. They are mostly not real…so yeah you can feel inferior to that fake image. While you are you and you never pretended to be something else, Jenny.
I am a college student and will graduate next year. I have no idea what to do with myself and while I am studying abroad right now I will have to bump face first into reality. I feel like a huge fraud and disappointment to my family and myself. Hell, I think I’ve dissappointed my dog also. I am rarely productive and feel huge pangs of guilt.
My shrink would say that I am having one of my anxiety episodes and that I worry wayy too much for things that might not happen at all. And that is anxiety, even worse when combined with depression. It leaves you unmotivated and worried at the same time.
But you are doing great, you are a great writer, mom and wife. You are an inspiration to thousands of people like me. When I grow up, I want to be Jenny Lawson.
Jenny, I’m so sorry that I’ve neglected to tell you that you have a fan club just to the north of you, just to the north of Austin. We have Beyonce mugs that we drink from on what I call heavy-gravity days, we’ve read your book and pushed into the hands of friends, we read your blog and Facebook posts, we invoke your name when something is truly, weirdly, unbelievably hysterically real and surreal. We have a subgroup with a secret name and we meet for breakfast at The Monument Cafe. Google it and then come see us. Why do we do these things? Not because we are collectors of taxidermy, anthropomorphized or not. No, we do these things because even though, if you lined us up we wouldn’t be alike past our Texas accents, we are just like you. Here’s what helps some of us: to breathe, to smell our children’s heads, long drinks of cool water,Yoga or Pilates, to read anything by Anne Lamott (including her FB posts), to make something or clean something, breakfast at the Monument Cafe, good friends to cackle with, to notice the beauty in the everyday-ness of every day, and The Blogess. Miles and miles of hugs to you.
Hi Jenny:
I found your blog when I read your book from library and didn’t look back. It was hilarious and even more important, you are REAL. I once had a colleague call me that and it stuck with me – I consider it the highest compliment I’ve ever received and now I would like to pass it along to you. I have learned over the years that one of the most important things in life is to just show up (for life). It’s not always easy and some days I can’t even make it out of bed, but I do what I can and some days are better. I’m a cancer survivor and my kidneys were destroyed by the radiation treatment that rid me of the cancer (apparently that is a very unusual side effect). So, now I attend dialysis 3 times a week at the hospital and will likely for the rest of my life. That has lead to nerve degradation in my legs that has made walking difficult. I got laid off from my job when my employer lost a contract and I have been looking for work for 1 1/2 years now. I live on a small disability pension, hoping that one day things will get better. And I read your blog religiously – the only blog I have ever read – because you are so real and you help me get through each day.
Please don’t think that every day has to be productive – it doesn’t. What is important is that you continue to show up for life, even if it is from your bed. You do make a difference to me, Jenny. There are some days (or parts thereof) when I look around and see what I have accomplished and feel fulfilled. Honestly, I find that there are also days when that (the feeling good stuff) is all that I have to look forward to – because that day is empty.
I find that being around people, friends, relatives (especially friends who either know my circumstances and don’t care or aquaintances that have no clue who I am and just take me at face value) helps some. Of course there are days that is not an option when I can’t get out of my bed.
Please Jenny, keep showing up for life and, when you can, add to your blog – you really do make a difference to the rest of us.
Wow, there’s a lot of answers for you to scroll through — but I need to let you know that EVERY DAY, I feel like “wow, all I managed to do today was {pick one random minor chore or errand}.” On the days where I get three things accomplished, like one load of laundry AND going to Target AND putting a meal on the table, I feel like a freaking miracle worker.
I was never a room mom — but I was able to do introvert-y things to help the classroom like sharpen 4,000 pencils when my daughter brought them home from the teacher, and when she reached middle school I was able to help by volunteering to come in once a week and xerox stuff for the teachers, which was in a quiet copy room with no one to bother me or judge me for what I was wearing. Maybe something like that will work for you?
Also, Pinterest LIES. Stay strong, you’re not alone.
Now I’m going to go back through and read the comments I skipped over to post this one… 🙂
Well, you’ve just described exactly how I feel most of the time. If nothing else, you’ve made me feel better that it’s not just me.
You are not alone.
And thank you for saying what a lot of us are thinking about ourselves. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately (mostly because I was laid off two months ago and have a lot more free time) and I realize that even when I did have a job, I would think that I wasn’t doing enough or being enough and would end up mind (blanking) myself. I’ve been reading this book, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb, and it’s been helpful.
And those people at the PTA bake sale that appear to have everything together? They’re worse off than you are….and they’re trying way too hard to overcompensate for their feelings of inadequacy.
Those shiny, happy people you think are successful all the time and make you feel like a failure? The truth is they are neither shiny nor happy all the time. I’m someone who struggles with anxiety daily and depression simi-monthly. Only those who are closest to me have any idea that I have these issues. All my acquaintances believe that I’m a very calm, together individual. They envy my organizational skills and emotional stability. The truth is most days I’m barely hanging on; I just do a really good job of hiding it. I don’t hide anything intentionally, it’s just a god given ability to project calm energy. In college, I felt successful often. I think they constant feedback of grades helped foster those feelings. Now as a professional, I’d say I only have truly successful days ever so often. Those are really awesome days, but all the rest are mediocre or terrible.
Most of the time I feel like the character Dexter, only less murderous. When I first saw that show, it kind of freaked me out to hear someone else describe what it is like to pretend to be a person. Most of the time I find that I honestly just don’t care about most situations.
Good times.
Thank goodness it’s not just me!!!! So the answer is no, it’s not just you.
I have ADHD and crippling depression so everything you write, especially things like this, make more sense to me than anything else I read. Also because my ADHD is so bad it’s hard to get through books, blogs, anything without getting distracted (I got through yours twice though and may have peed my pants a little). However I think that everyone has these feelings but that some people are just big fakers and they pretend to be SO excited about PTA and they get SO much done and are SO happy. I think the people who don’t own up to the fears/illnesses/anxiety we all have at least a little of are the most non-productive, sad people out there. Or at least this is my mantra I tell myself in my head 45 times a day to make me feel better. Besides, nobody has time to be productive 30 or 31 days of the month… except Batman & Beyoncé.
I am the same as you. Here is what I do: take my meds; go to AA meetings; set a goal of doing at least 3 things – wash the dishes, do clothes, go to grocery store etc. On rough days even doing one counts. Before I finally go to sleep I take a daily inventory of who or what I have helped, and promise to make amends if I have caused harm or chaos. I keep my life very simple. Not limited, but simple. I think “Because Wine” is interfering with your progress.
I see you’ve got a bazillion responses to this post, but I’m going to add my thoughts anyway. No, you’re not alone. I’ve got some mental illness going on too. I’ve moved back home to help my elderly parents, who I’ve now realized are the root of a lot of my problems and probably two of the most vile people I know. There’s a LOT of stuff I’ve screwed up, and so my days are just getting through them and not killing myself. And that’s because I’m too much of a coward. I read all those suicide prevention sites with the now happy people saying they wanted to kill themselves 6 months ago, but they didn’t and they’re so happy now. I’m not getting to the “wow I’m so glad I didn’t do it stage”. I go to work, come home and repeat. And look at what a fuckup I’ve become
I’ve been trying to figure out how best to post. It’s very rare when I have a truely good day. Mostly I go to work and come home. Where I hide on the sofa watching TV or look at stuff on line. And I don’t even own my own home. At my age most people at least own their home even if they haven’t gotten married and or had children. The phrase that echoes in my mind all the time is: “A life unlived.” I think I should be doing something else in life. Something cool and would make me happy. But I honestly don’t believe that I have any skills to offer anyone. There just isn’t anything I am good at. I can’t cook, not good at computers, bad at math, I can’t draw, cook, dance, sing, write, fix anything, etc..
If I have one or two days (that I would truely say was good) each month..it’s a miracle.
I spend a lot of time on the sofa. I am just not good at meeting new people. I am not a good conversationalist. It’s my own fault as I mostly go quiet in social situations. And I say stupid stuff. But I still want things to be different. I just don’t know how. Take today for instance: I got up, brushed my teeth and fed my dog, let her out to pee..then nothing else. Hair is still unwashed..didn’t do any laundry. So my big accomplishment for the day was brushed my teeth and fed the dog. So, this is me..I have a life un-lived. No home of my own, no job I love, no skills, no Hubby, and I can’t have kids.
I do occasionally watch a movie I love, listen to a comedy podcast that makes me laugh, or read something that I just loved. That is my stress relief. That is all I have.
PS: if you find something.. Let me know.
Well… This is coming from one of those shiny people because… I do sound like some sort of dream girl, It sounds like I can do it all, look amazing, have smarts, fabulous cook, great career potential, written a couple of (unpublished) books, make jewelry, paint, draw, know alllll about proper etiquette. You know that chick that comes to a party and looks absolutely polished and still comes bearing an amazing cake? That’s me.
But… that person? Who does all that? I have no idea who she is. The person in the mirror isn’t her. I spend so much time either thinking about how much I’ve fucked up or avoiding thinking about that to the point where I don’t do much else. I’m lonely. I’m so horribly lonely. I have one good friend, and one friend who lives in another state. I can’t make friends to save my life. I worked three years with tons of people who made friends with each other, but never me. I’m in a relationship that makes me feel bad about myself and logically it’s easy to leave, ungodly easy, except that I can’t leave. I can’t keep up with simple tasks like laundry or doing the dishes or just generally keeping a decent looking house. I can’t find a job in my career field.
I feel like a lie, a piece of coal masquerading as a diamond. I have to remind myself that I need to go to my best friend’s housewarming party because she’s my best friend. I’m terrified to go. Over 40 strangers will be there. Even parties featuring nothing but my family terrify me. At one point… I couldn’t make phone calls, I’d burst into tears.
I’m probably babbling now. Maybe someday I can be the person I’m supposed to be but… I don’t really think so. You are someone who makes me want to cry in relief. I’m not the only imposter. Also, my mother was never a PTA mom, she could never go on class field trips with me. It never mattered. I love her nonetheless for that.
I am not sucking up when I say that I can’t believe how much you have accomplished. I couldn’t have done it when my kids were young. It was enough to get the laundry done and meals on the table. Now that I am writing, I am amazed at the number of moms that post blogs on a regular basis. With after school activities, play dates, and homework, I always felt like zoning out in front of the TV for my treat at the end of the day.
Hang in there girl…
Well NOW I feel that way. Thanks.
Actually, I do feel the same way, I just don’t dwell on it too much. But you’re right, every once in awhile it sneaks up on you. I don’t know how I would function if I actually had kids. Instead I get to feel sorry for myself because I can’t seem to get pregnant, so reading your post, the thing that really stood out to me was wishing I had the opportunity to snuggle with my non-existent daughter. You’re blessed.
Jenny, you are fucking hilarious. The job you chose ( or chose you) is to make people laugh. And I almost pissed my pants countless m times while reading your book. I myself suffer from Bipolar Disorder. My doctor started me on a new med 4-5 months ago. I finally feel like my life is 75% worth living. But I still have off days. Maybe a medication switch or tweak would help. But please don’t ever think of yourself as a failure, you are amazing! When in doubt, ask us again, we’ll build you up whenever and however you need it. WE LOVE YOU!
What is success, really? I graduated as the valedictorian of my high school class, got a full scholarship to college, then dropped out because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I feel successful now because I am finally to graduating, but that is only after I’ve been out of school for 16 years. I was a stay-at-home mom for 8 years, and I never joined the PTA. I think the goal in my life is just to be happy. My house isn’t clean, but my kids and I danced and sang silly songs today. I had a counselor tell me once just to try your hardest. Your “best” changes from day to day depending on your mental state, physical state, and other circumstances, but as long as you feel like you are trying, you’re doing fine. Don’t judge yourself based on other people because they’re only showing you their best. You never see how hard they may have to work to maintain the image. You’re only seeing the shiny layer and not all the messy stuff underneath.
I feel like a failure perhaps half of the time. Maybe a little more, some months. So maybe you do still need some adjustment to your meds – or maybe I’m just very lucky.
You are SO not alone.
I have many days where I accomplish jack-diddly. I mean, I read books or watch my trashy Housewives DVR’s. I don’t always finish tasks (I tried to Blog, note my last one was in 2012. I get to it every now and then.).
I work part-time and go to school part-time. I have two teenage boys. My house is NEVER clean, and I have boxes of crap that we have yet to open from when we moved TEN YEARS AGO. Seriously.
I don’t have the mental health issues that you do, so I am able to be okay with my non-ass kicking days. It will be harder for you to come to a place where you can say, “I did crap today, and I’m okay with that because I like me” (sorry, tried not to channel Stewart Smalley), but hopefully knowing that you are TOTALLY not alone.
Lastly, know that the “perfect” mommies are NOT. They have just as much crap as you have, it’s just different crap, and they are more worried about looking Stepford than anything. I grew up that way…everything perfect, happy and shiny, and was more depressed and despondent than ever. Never, ever again.
I would rather have real friends knowing how I really feel (and I almost never look put together, nor am I ever on time), and have them be real to me than not.
I haven’t felt like I have had a successful day in months, maybe a year or more. Most days it is all I can do to get out of bed and my thoughts are consumed by suicide. I get regular counseling, take my meds. But more and more I am convinced there is no such thing as gravity, the earth just sucks.
I feel the exact same way–a lot. I also suffer from imposter syndrome, anxiety, and depression–and what I do to help that stuff (in part) is to read you! I know this counts as a compliment and you won’t take it as such, but when I met you last summer during your book tour and got your autograph it was a really big deal for me–I actually just told the story for the umpteenth time this past weekend. Because we suffer from imposter syndrome it may be hard to accept what I just said, but please know that what I say is true.
What do I do to avoid feeling like a failure? I avoid Pinterest & the PTA (which is easy, because I don’t have kids). But, in all honesty–since when is the PTA a marker of “success”? In my dictionary, arsonistic is a word and building phenomenal haunted dollhouses, amassing a taxidermy army, and writing a *New York Times Bestseller* = success. It’s just that less people are doing those things (cuz they’re not as interesting or imaginative), so it seems like that stuff doesn’t “count.” But it does. You being on the Internets counts. A lot.
I look fucking great in pictures – fun job, great friends, blah blah blah. But a lot of days I can’t get off my living room floor. And those great friends don’t understand because they’re legit happy people. Like all the damn time. And that’s okay that it’s easy for them. Just like it’s okay that my brain tells me mean stuff all the time. Because this badass blogger I stumbled upon told me once that depression is a liar. And I believed her because that same asshole depression that lies to me lies to her too. And so that day, she did a whole lot. Even if she couldn’t be a PTA mom.
Even though I hurt more than those wonderful sweet friends, I also love harder. And live harder. And laugh fucking louder. So, tell depression to suck it, because you’re saving lives. Seriously.
Jenny, like you, I struggle with mental illness. I am bipolar but other than one manic episode in college, it is depression that regularly kicks my ass. I have been on many drug cocktails but last year I found myself in the place you are describing today. I felt apathetic (though I did my best to fake it for my kids), like life was passing me by. As much as I loved my long term treatment providers, after many years, I sought new ones because I wanted new eyes and perspectives on how to approach my disorder. I needed to shake things up. I still touch base with my previous providers because we have a history, and I love them.
The good news is that I feel alive again. I’ve dropped some meds, added a couple of others, and I find myself way more productive. But what matters more (to me) is that I feel like I give a shit, like I’m more invested in my life and less interested in mentally berating myself. Unfortunately, part of my treatment plan includes, along with pharmaceuticals, at least 20 minutes of exercise a day and eliminating processed foods and sugar from my diet, which means sometimes I have to cook, which, frankly, depresses me. I still treat myself to dessert now and again because I want to.
That said, I have two adult children and I never (not exaggerating), never went to a PTA meeting or volunteered at the school. I wrote checks when extra funds were needed and I could afford it and that’s it. I attend large meetings for work because my paycheck depends on it, but otherwise, I find them anxiety producing and know I would spend more time sweating then helping. I decided some time ago, that my legacy will be my relationships with my family and friends. I try to be kind, supportive, loving and on their side even if they are being stupid. To me when it’s all said and done, I just want to have enriched someone’s life. I try to live a decent but pocket-sized life.
I could mention all the amazing things you have done that are obvious from my years of reading your blog, but you asked us to keep the compliments to a minimum and so I am. It sounds to me like you need a combination of cutting yourself some slack and tweaking your treatment plan.
Also, I think feeling like a fraud is a human condition. My husband admits to it and he’s the most level-headed, seemingly confident person I know.
Good luck to you. Screw the PTA (the universe is filled with amazing, capable parents who actually want to be involved) and lead with YOUR strengths.
I forgot to add… my favorite memories of my mom are of her brushing my hair as I sat in front of her in the evenings and playing with it as we watched Nick-at-Nite. My favorite memories of my dad: me sneaking up the stairs and watching MASH through the crack in the door, him catching me and instead of giving me heck, letting me sit on his lap or next to him watching until the show was over, we didn’t talk, we just watched the show. I miss those days. I loved those days. Hailey is a lucky girl to have such loving parents, and she will truly love the memories you make with her.
Love you Jenny. As Clairee Belcher would say “You’re good people!” And we all have boxes still packed up from the last move and at least for me, if I showed up for work and made sure my son had something to eat for dinner, it was a good day!
Wow, I think you and your peeps just exploded the internet — I try to lower my expectations so I can feel successful: write a to do list, even if it’s after the fact, just so I can cross things off. I’m relieved that you’ve blown the lid off this can of worms, because what you all are saying rings true. As for those people who look shiny and like they have their shit together, mark my words, they’re just hiding their shit in the closet or under their beds when you see them — it’s still there, they just have their masks on. EVERYONE has something they’re not doing well, even if it’s not obvious.
Nice to know there’s a community of my people out there 🙂
I’ve never heard someone describe MY LIFE so perfectly! I’ve never actually counted how many days I feel successful, but I would probably say that I don’t feel like a total failure one day out of every week. The rest of the days I range anywhere from completely debilitated by my anxiety to doing a pretty good job of hiding it. My husband said these words to me last night: “How many awesome things do you have to do to see how awesome you are?” I know – he’s a keeper! Unfortunately, all the things like this that he says do nothing to convince me. At my core, I usually feel like I suck at life.
I know what you mean when you say that you feel like a failure because your biggest accomplishment in a day is going to the bank. I try to look at it like this: at least I did that – I got out of the house and did something. You know when you go out and you see all those “perfect” people? I also try to remind myself that, although they may look more put together on the outside than I feel on the inside, they’re most likely struggling too. And they may even think the same things when they look at me.
What gets to me the most is thinking about the future. I feel stuck in life, and as much as I want to change, the idea of actually taking the steps to be a better me are so intimidating that all I can do is sleep. For some reason, I always feel like I will wake up feeling better, but that’s never ever the case. So should I NOT think about the future? Obviously not, but I don’t know how to get excited about it when it so terrifies me.
What helps me the most is going to the gym – when I can actually make myself go. I usually have more energy after my workout, I feel like I’ve done something good for my body and mind, and I usually end up doing something productive afterward. If only I could make myself (or could afford to) go every single day!
Another thing that helps me through my depression and anxiety is my husband. Although he doesn’t fully understand how I feel, he understands better than I how I function (or don’t function) when I have a bout of D&A. He’s very supportive, and is pretty good at seeing it coming even before I feel it. He’s wonderful at helping to steer my anxiety in a better direction. Unless it’s a bad one. Then, I think he gets scared. Well, that makes two of us.
I have also started a blog about my struggle with D&A and how I have been attempting to overcome it. Some pointers here may be helpful: http://www.thepathtopositivity.blogspot.com/. However, I feel like a total hypocrite because I’m terrible at taking my own advice.
If nothing any of us says actually helps, at least know this: we are all here, and you are not alone. And neither are we.
Jenny, everyone feels what you are feeling, to a greater or lesser extent over the course of a month. Anyone who says they don’t is lying. We are none of us perfect and no matter how hard we try we are always leaving something undone and messing up on something else.
Gratitude for what we do have – no matter how small – is a game changer.
Best of luck and love to all who question themselves (or, all of us.)
Ok, here goes. You really should be unpacked by now. Make up your mind to tackle one box per day until you are unpacked. Ask your daughter about her homework every day without fail. Whether you can help or not is not the point. That’s it. You’re like everyone else. Some insecurities that are totally unwarranted and some that reveal an awareness of your humanity.
Those people who look like they have it all going on…bullshit. Ain’t no such thing. Everyone you see has a weakness, a character flaw. Many people love “doing”, but they fall short on the “being”. You are pretty good on the “being” and for me, that’s better anyway.
Thank you so much for writing this. I have felt the same for a few years now, and I’m really stuck in life. I know I have accomplishments, but I feel like they’re all a sham whenever people point them out. I know I’m too hard on myself and need to forgive myself for a few key missteps, but I just don’t know how. Friends and family act like I just don’t want to be happy, as if somehow I’m gaining something, and it’s so frustrating.
It’s hard to confide this sort of thing to pretty much anybody in my life, they all seem to think I want something, when all I need is for someone to know how I feel. Your post and all these replies have definitely made me feel a little less alone.
Oh, Sweetie, you are completely normal in that!
Either that or we’re all freakishly self critical…either way you’re not alone.
I do that to myself Every Single Day.
Late on rent through no fault of my own (stupid friggin contractor company. I’m Not In California, why is my check?), hey I suck.
Took pics for blog but haven’t posted anything, yep I suck.
Laundry didn’t get done, or dishes, or housework. Yep, more suckage. And so on.
The truth is, we’re all flawed creatures. We all have more on our plates than we can handle at one time. We all want to do better and compare ourselves to our neighbors. Wow, that neighbor has a great looking porch! I wish I could find the time and energy to make mine look like I give a fuck.
Wow, that person’s living room is SO pretty and orderly! I wish I could find the time and energy to organize. Etc Etc.
What I try to do when I’m finding myself doing that is this:
Remind myself that wanting to do/be better is always good; if we don’t continually evolve and improve ourselves we become stagnant. But beating up on myself is counter productive and wasted emotion so I should knock it OFF. Does it work? Sometimes. Sometimes I just tell myself to STFU.
That being said, wine slushies all around. After the last few weeks around here, they are NEEDED.
Do you wanna know a secret? Everyone sucks at being a person. You just only notice it with yourself. Remember how you said that from the outside you look happy and successful? That’s all it is with anyone. Everyone think’s they’re the worst, because in front of others, we all try to look our best. You’re not any more a loser than anyone else, you just have to spend more time with yourself, which means you see all of your failures. Have you ever seen a sketch show at like second city or something? The final show is good because we throw out 99% of the stuff we write. Everyone is a failure most of the time, and everyone thinks it’s just them.
One day, you’ll find out that you just happened to notice the person whose hair looks perfect on the one day they washed it. Or their outfit looks perfect all the time because they were made redundant months ago, and they are desperately attending job interviews every day.
If you are a mum, and you spent time with your kid in a way that allowed them to feel warm and close, then you have created a pocket of unforgettable time for them that they can keep for rainy days. Sitting under the blanket cuddling your child, or giving them comfort when they are hurt or upset, means that they are statistically less likely to become drug addicts when they are adults. By showing your daughter that it is acceptable to just watch something like “Little House on the Prairie” when you’re depressed or listless, rather than drinking in the gutter whilst dogs pee on your head, you are setting her on the path to success!
If you are feeling as though you haven’t achieved much for a while, write yourself a daily list, with ONE item on it. Washing a roasting pan, paying a bill or discovering where the dead bodies are on your property, can remove some of the niggling feelings of uneasiness.
Other than that, your concerns sound like neurotypical worries to me. Maybe EVERYONE has mental illness, they just haven’t been diagnosed yet!
my entire fucking life, i remember 0 days feeling like a kick ass person. it doesn’t matter what happened that day, what i did. even if i’ve gotten one thing done, all i can think about is all the stuff i still need to do, all the stuff i haven’t accomplished. i have 3 degrees. none of them matter. i am constantly told i’m a great mother to 2 great autistic sons. the hubs gets compliments on having married “a good one.” doesn’t matter. none of it matters. i know that it’s all a charade. a facade. i’m about to be 40, and i just know, deep in my heart and mind, that i’ve accomplished nothing with my life. i have the job i always wanted, and in my head, it’s been a waste of time – all my life, everything i’ve done to earn it. because nothing i do is good. and nothing i do can make it good. because if i were capable of doing or having or being good, i wouldn’t have made the stupid choices i’ve made (like working all my life to get this job). i’d be able to be social in a normal way, which would lead to a better job, which would lead to being able to afford a yard for my kids, and therapies for my kids. it would mean being a good enough mother that they wouldn’t have autism. it would mean being successful at one thing – *one thing* – in life. just one thing. being good at something, instead of okay at most things. if i were good enough, i’d get my shit together and do all the things i want so much to do, and be able to juggle all the balls in the air, and not be so damn broken all the damn time. but i’m not good. nothing’s good. nothing i do, at least. so i’m striving for good enough – at least in my head. but i still hear my heart whisper, “no good. do better.” except that i know i can’t. because i’m no good.
so no, you’re not alone, by any stretch of the imagination.
hugs and love, jenny. thank you for everything you’ve done. you make my days better.
I have found help with the book “The Gifts of Imperfection: let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are” by Brene´ Brown. Jenny, even though there is so much of what this book suggests that you do so really well, you might like it or find it useful.
The following excerpt spoke to me:
“The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now [author has ‘now’ in italics], right this minute. Worthiness does not have prerequisites:
I’ll be worthy when I lose twenty pounds.
I’ll be worthy if I can get pregnant.
I’ll be worthy if I get/stay sober.
I’ll be worthy if everyone thinks I’m a good parent.
I’ll be worthy when I can make a living selling my art.
I’ll be worthy if I can hold my marriage together.
I’ll be worthy when I make partner.
I’ll be worthy when my parents finally approve.
I’ll be worthy if he calls back and asks me out.
I’ll be worthy when i can do it all and look like I am not even trying.”
She offers her guidelines for “Being Enough “including “letting go of . . .[so many things including] what people think . . . perfectionism . . .comparison”.
It helps me. If it can help one other person – great.
Brene´ Brown Ph.D. has given several talks on TED and has been featured on NPR, PBs, CNN. She sounds and reads like a friend not the research scientist that she is.
Dearest,
The only thing that ever EVER worked/works for me is moving more. Exercise of some kind, either dancing or running or walking or yoga or or or something to make. me. move. The End.
Oh, and one more thing about “failing” – who, exactly is grading you? It’s just you, right? There’s no report card in life. So maybe you “failed” at washing your hair today. What if you just “didn’t” wash your hair today? What if it’s not a success/failure situation? Do you consider yourself “successful” if you wiped your ass after you pooped? No, you just wiped your ass after you pooped. It just is. You either did laundry today or you didn’t. Why does there have to be a judgement about it at all? Just be your kick ass self because you ARE kick ass. Who cares if you kick ass 90% of the time or 3% of the time? Kick ass just once and that makes you kick ass in my book.
Treading water . . . yep, that’s me 6 – 7 days of the week.
There are some days where my biggest accomplishment is getting up, going to the bathroom, and getting something from the kitchen before crawling back under the covers. When you have several psych conditions (bipolar, borderline, and PTSD) and a couple of auto-immune things (psoriasis and some unknown chronic inflammatory disorder like RA but without actually being RA), sometimes using the shitter and making toast feel like massive expeditions from the bed. So it’s not just you.
Don’t judge yourself by others’ standards. You do what you CAN do. Your daughter and husband love you no matter what, and we do, too. I used to measure myself by others’ standards: if someone at school said I was fat, I felt fat. If someone treated me like I was crap, I’d feel like crap. After YEARS of weekly therapy, and a good combo of meds (are you only on an SSRI for depression? Because you might want to talk to your psychiatrist about adding something that might be a mood stabilizer like Seroquel or Lamictal. That might help) I have learned to try and accept what I can do on a day as just what I can do on that day. My therapist calls it “self-care.” If you feel best that day only being under the covers and watching Little House on the Prairie, then fucking do it.
My mother has a great thing she tells me when I start to stress out when I feel like I’m not accomplishing enough: “As long as you’re breathing and your heart’s beating, the rest is a bonus.” I can’t tell you how awesome that is.
*Hugs and empathy*
I have days where I feel like I’m not doing this whole adult thing right. I feel like a fraud. I always feel like the things I do wrong completely negate the things I do right. I think it’s that evil depression that does it to us when in reality, we do good things and get things wrong sometimes and that’s ok. It takes quite a bit of talking myself down from always believing that I’m not good enough.
As for Facebook and Pinterest, it can get overwhelming. Don’t forget that people put their best on Facebook and Pinterest. How often do you see “My life stinks, I have rabies and my gas was turned off because I put off paying the bill because I was depressed”? Please keep that in mind–even I try to spin my hurts and failures into something funny.
And let me tell you that not being a PTA type is just fine too. It’s not for everyone. Think about a career choice. I am a scientist. I can’t imagine being in PR (talking to all those people is horrifying to me). It’s the same kinda thing. My mother tried it when my brother was in kindergarten (he’s older than I am) and after a couple meetings said “eff this!” and quit. I can honestly say that it did not adversely affect my childhood and let me tell you, my mother was one of the most wonderful mothers in the whole world. And I agree with other commenters, spending time with your daughter is more important than going to PTA meetings. I cherish the time I spent with my mother and never wished she was PTA mom of the year. And if anyone tells you that you’re horrible for not being on the PTA, I got your back.
I started reading your blog after reading your book. It’s reassuring that there are other people out there like me. I don’t know if this will help you, but please know that I think you’re freaking awesome for being so honest. You rock.
I’d say I feel like I had an awesome, productive day about as often as you do. However, the rest of my days I don’t count as failures, I just count them as getting by. And about 3-4 days a month I feel like I am a complete failure as a grown-up whose life is a complete waste of time. I’m more or less okay with those proportions. I used to be more anxious and suffer much more from Imposter Syndrome. I quit the job that was making me feel that way and have just readjusted my expectations for myself. We are made to feel like we can and should have it all and do it all. When we don’t meet that impossible standard we are in the perfect vulnerable position for companies to sell us stuff. And we’ve been fed this bullshit our whole lives and internalized it. Add any mental illness to the equation and we’re all fighting a serious uphill battle to feel like reasonable, decent, productive members of society. I’m working hard on rejecting the I-can-do-it-all-and-look-pretty-the-whole-time bullshit. I can do some of it, some of the time, sometimes well. And I’m trying really, really hard to forgive myself for not being awesome (or pretty) as much as I want to be.
I have no idea how many days per month I feel successful, because usually it’s not a full day at a time, but I don’t think it’s any more often than you do. I am glad I learned the name imposter syndrome and how prevalent it was early on in grad school, because oh boy do I have that. Honestly to make myself feel better I mostly just distract myself to try and get my thoughts out of that kind of loop – watch happy TV, read Jane Austen, etc. and then I try to check off some of the easy stuff on my list so I feel like I have accomplished something. Whether that’s the best strategy I don’t know because right now I’m so busy that I never get to the big things on my list, but it feels better than nothing?
For what it’s worth so you can get a sense of who constitutes this non-random sample of people answering you, I don’t think I have had clinical depression as an adult and I’ve never sought help for any mental health issues because I function more or less normally, objectively speaking, but I do have likely social anxiety disorder.
Oh it is definitely not just you! I suck at life, big time. I’ve been unemployed for over 6 months – not horrible compared to some, I know – but for us, it is horrible. We barely made ends meet while I was employed. Now without any income on my part, well, we have a lot of maxed credit cards and no way to pay for them. I just want them all paid off and then destroyed. But I am constantly stressed over it and how if I don’t get a job ASAP we will never dig ourselves out of this mess. :'(
I think this is the first time I’ve commented, although I’ve enjoyed your writing for years.
I’d say I reliably feel like a success about 2-3 days a month. In my experience, this sentiment is INCREDIBLY COMMON among (outwardly-)successful people. People at the top of their fields, who achieve amazing things every day (which, by the way, you demonstrably do, but I know that isn’t the point here). I say this not only because I’m a person who’s achieved various measures of success yet feels like a failure 95% of the time, but also because I hear the same basic sentiment from just about everyone else I know. I look at them and think wow, they’re impressive. They’re kicking ass, taking names, doing really cool and awesome things. And yet THEY feel like they’re barely treading water. And they claim to feel the same way about me, even though I feel like I’M barely treading water. Perhaps the self-doubt is part of what pushes us to work so hard. But my guess is we’d work pretty darn hard even if we didn’t have that much self-doubt. It’s just that somehow, we’ve managed to convince ourselves that “partial success” is the same thing as “failure.” And every time we don’t live up to our (sometimes outlandish) hopes or expectations, we tally that up with the failures, and ignore the pile of amazing (little, big, sometimes even enormous) things we’ve achieved in the meantime.
I’m not saying it’s a universal sentiment. Plenty of people don’t carry 50 pounds of self-doubt around on their shoulders every day. And just because something is pretty common doesn’t mean it is something that we should have to carry around every day. We shouldn’t. So to answer your question from my humble experience/perspective: it’s normal in the sense that you’re not alone, but it’s not normal in the sense that you should feel like you just have to live with it.
For my own part, I often find myself “feeling bad about feeling bad” — not only feeling like a failure, but also then berating myself for feeling like a failure. As if somehow failing to be happy at all times is somehow yet another failure. So (at the recommendation of those wiser than myself) sometimes I try to give myself permission to just feel crappy. Try to feel compassion for myself, and not just for all those other people I know who are feeling the same thing. Usually (and taking into account various other factors, like medication and therapy) it passes, and I get to one of those days when I can genuinely feel like a success. Oddly, when I give myself that permission, I seem to feel the failures less, and the successes more. But that’s just me. Mileage varies, of course.
Regardless, I share my compassion for you, and send good thoughts your way.
Reading this post brought me back to a conversation I had just a few months ago. I was contemplating applying for a different job. I was talking to a friend who I admire professionally and consider a mentor and honestly someone who I want to be when I grow up.
I confessed to her that I was afraid of leaving my current position and organization because what if the success I’ve had was a total fluke. Or because maybe I’m not responsible for the successes, I’m just riding other people’s coat tails. And what if I go to this new job and am an utter failure and everyone knows that I really suck.
This woman, who I adore and admire and who I think has her stuff together then told me that while she has had a successful consulting business for nearly 15 years every single time she takes on a new client she is convinced they are going to find out that she’s a fraud. She told me that she’s talked to other women who’ve experienced the same thing.
I also have a hard time accepting compliments (since I’m a total fraud I shouldn’t be getting them) or even enjoying genuine successes because there is no way it’ll happen again, it was a total fluke.
So no, it’s not just you or even people with mental health issues. I think it is just women. It could be that only women that are willing to own up to feeling this way. In that case, I haven’t met a man yet that has the courage to admit he feels this way.
The funny thing is – somehow I felt better about it once I found out it wasn’t just me. So I hope this makes you feel better about it.
You couldn’t know it but you’ve actually helped me with this issue. Because somewhere along the way your blog introduced me to Brene Brown. And Daring Greatly. And it’s unbelievable how much she and that book have helped me with my issues of shame and not being enough. So thanks Jenny!
Finally, for the record I would totally consider yourself a success by taking the time to watch Little House re-runs because that is an awesome Mom thing to do.
You are so not alone. I feel like I’m one step (or 2,3,4,5…10,000) behind on a daily basis. That I’m juggling so much that things keep falling. That I’m failing with household responsibilities, I’m failing my kids bc I don’t create the Pinterest-worthy life that seems to exist in every. single. household. Most days (even when I’ve been SUPER productive) I feel like this but I tell myself that it’s a lie. My kids and husband know that I love them and would do anything for them just as Hailey and Victor know they same about you. I truly think that most people feel this way but we are all trying to hard to act like we have it all together that we are doing ourselves and each other a huge disservice. Much love to you!
When I was little, I couldn’t wait to grow up and know everything. The adults in my life knew the answers, could solve the problems, and just basically make things right. What a crock of shit. Now I know from experience that adults do not have it all together. There are so many things I don’t know, can’t fix, can’t even do half way let alone do a “good job”. All I can do is the best I (bold and highlight) can do. Somedays, I’m proud I managed to feed my kids. Somedays, it’s the to-do list that got checked off. Somedays, it’s that I managed to get out of bed. But each of those days had a success in it – maybe not to anyone else, but to me they all count. NO ONE has it all together. Those who look like they do on whatever social media you choose to view are showing you their one success that day – just a snippet of their real lives where toilets don’t get cleaned, meetings get missed, and zits appear on chins.
If the biggest success of any of your days is that you spent time with your daughter, you my friend, are a success. Fuck everyone else.
I don’t know if there’s any such thing as normal, but you are definitely not alone. A lot of what you described sounds exactly like how I feel most days.
I have struggled with some level of depression for a lot of my life, but like an earlier commenter said, probably everyone feels like this to some degree, some just more than others. I’ve often felt that I’m so much worse than most people about socializing or getting things done. Logically, I think that we know little of what’s going on in someone else’s head, but knowing this fact has never really helped me *feel* it.
Somehow the things that get me down are so much more persistent than the things that pick me up. A compliment from someone will make me feel great, but it doesn’t take long before I feel inadequate again.
Similarly, I know intellectually that putting off things I don’t want to do only makes me feel worse. Getting one step accomplished can give me to tackle the next step, but that effect doesn’t seem to last long before I’m once again dreading whatever it is. Which of course turns into a downward spiral. I feel like it’s a constant and exhausting battle to get things done in spite of my brain chemistry, psyche, whatever you want to call it.
So how many days a month do I feel good about myself and my life? At one point I might have envied your 3-4 days a month, but I will tell you now that you do not have to settle for this. If you are good with where you are, than that is all that matters, but it sounds like you are not good with it, or you would not be writing this post. So here is my truth: I feel good about myself almost everyday of the month. Personally, I think I kick-ass like a motherfucker. I don’t expect other people to understand me or realize my strengths, some of which you can only appreciate if you know my background, but I have been getting better and better about not letting that bring me down. What changed my views? Serious psychotherapy, where I learned to let myself be human, with flaws and where I learned that many of my flaws are interwoven with my strengths. For example, am I tenacious and determined or unwilling to listen and pig-headed? Depends on the situation and your location to me – but they go together so trying to get rid of one part of this and not lose the other is impossible. I learned to stop trying to be perfect and be uniquely me. Just this summer I told a friend about how someone had mistakenly thoughts he was too serious. My friend said, “Oh, I will have to work on that.” and I asked “why?”. You see, the fact that he shares funny comments and dry humor with me is one of the marks that we are friends, that I see more than his carefully constructed persona that he shows professionally. I, on the other hand, often lack his sense of decorum. Together we are an excellent team – see that’s the thing, everyone wants to be the whole and perfect person (and I do not want to assume that is what is happening with you, but I think it is a valid question) rather than focusing on how we work in harmony and balance with others – the balance is in the relationship, not the individual per say. I also take an anti-anxiety drug. I view it as the same thing as high blood pressure and genetic predisposition. I have also practiced mindfulness meditation for years – not always great at it but I stay with it even when I suck at it for awhile. It works great for me because 85% or more of stress comes from worry about things that have already happened – and thus are outside of my ability to change now or may happen in the past and thus are outside of my control now. I call my habit of focusing on past problems and future issues borrowing trouble, because that is just what I do – I bring trouble from my past or future into the now. Honestly, that is just plain flat silly, as if I did have enough to deal with now. And you know what, when I stop borrowing trouble, my days look pretty good and manageable. The other part of this is developing trust in yourself. I can stop worrying repeatedly about future events because I know that I have done the best I could with what I had in the past and will do so again – and this is the ONLY standard, I repeat the ONLY standard anyone should measure themselves against. And what if you would do something differently now than you did 4 years ago when you did that hurtful thing? It means you learned and grew and are no longer that person – congratulations! That scenario is no longer relevant to you. And lastly, I would love to see you move past surviving to living. I don’t knock surviving, there have been years where that was all I had and it was more than I thought I could do some days, but don’t let that be your end goal. I have learned that I have to build and craft happiness in my life – it does not just happen and you do not find it and no one can give it to you. So I have been working on building my own happiness for the past 1.5 years. And it is working pretty good. The book that got me going this was The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubel. Has my life been easier since I started these changes? Hell no. Seven years ago I was severely, creepily sexually harassed by a coworker, and three years ago I lost my brother, who I loved more than my own life (this one almost took me out) and now I have lost my job. Yet despite the world shitting on me, I am doing better and feel better than ever before. So I know where you are & I suspect that you haven’t shared the worst here, you know the 2am stories, but please, please do not think you have to stay there if you want better and you deserve better, not because you are smart and have a great sense of humor (a valuable life skill and a mark of intelligence and creative thinking), because even at our worst and lowest we all deserve more than just survival. It was a long journey for me and it is not done yet – it never will be (and that is ok too you know, because I am not as exhausted as I used to be) , but it is a doable journey and it is worth all the effort, so practice believing in yourself.
I don’t have mental illness, I’m not on meds, and I feel like this ALL THE TIME. OMG, maybe I DO have mental illness?!?!?! I feel like a barely tread water every freakin day.
TtSpot on.
I really need to find a good therapist who can see through the good days and fake front I put on for people.
Maybe one day.
As a person who suffers no mental disorders, and is by all society standards, normal, I often ask myself what I did today. I think the majority of us judge ourselves by everyone ones “best” that the show the world. A friend of mine posted this this morning and it hit home. Success should not be about what you accomplish compared to everyone else, but by following your priorities and not judging others on theirs.
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
Fuck success.
I feel like a relatively good person maybe 4-6 days a month. I’ll get everything done, some people might respond to my writing, I might get to relax and watch Netflix. The rest of the time, I’m stressing about everything that has to get done, I’m mapping out my potential future for the thousandth time and nothing’s changed yet, I’m worried I’ll get fired for no reason, I’m worried my car will break and I can’t afford to fix it, I feel like I’m letting everyone down by not accomplishing anything, I feel like I’m wasting the potential I was told I have, I feel irrelevant, or worse, that I *do* matter but am still failing.
So I guess that feeling is normal? Or at least enough of us can relate so we’re making it normal. I’ve learned not to compare myself or my idea of myself to anyone else, just to past-me. If I’m better off than I could be, or have been, then I’m doing well enough. We see ourselves as worse than we are, and others as better than they are.
You are one of the best people I haven’t met, and I hope you get better.
I rarely feel like I’ve accomplished anything, EVER, except perhaps teaching my children to swear like long-haul truckers. At least I can relax knowing they’ll have the right fucking expletive to use in the right fucking situation.
I’ve been in the same job for more than 15 years and I’m still waiting for the police to show up and arrest me for impersonating a normal person (that is a crime – right?). Most days I come home exhausted and feeling like a big fat failure. I suck at most things – motherhood, being a wife, laundry, cooking, cleanliness – and look with envy and a certain amount of homicidal rage at my have-it-all-together friends who make homemade birthday invitations, press wildflowers, donate kidneys to homeless people, all while tinkering in their basement lab on that cure for cancer. I have depression and anxiety disorders and I have the pharmacy bill to prove it. I recently lost my closest and best non-judgemental friend to a speeding pickup truck (she was a dog). Sorry, I’m starting to sound like a bad country song. Basically, I don’t know the answer to it all and I don’t think anyone does – even the religious ones. I thought someday I would. Maybe it is 42. Somedays I don’t even make it to vertical, let alone standing, but I do the best that I can. I think that’s all we can do. Otherwise we give up and I’m not ready for that.
Totally me. All. The. Time. I’m so sure that someone will see through the professional facade and call me out. I have a successful business, single-handedly run an organization for women entrepreneurs, and people are always asking me how I do it all. I want to tell them, “not very well.” I feel overwhelmed by the things people expect of me, which happen to be the things I love to do, but just not All The Time. Sometimes I just sit and watch Doctor Who reruns, or stare aimlessly out the window.
I’ll bet lots of people are jealous of your beautiful, successful life, and wish they could have it. I know, sounds surprising, but what we see from the outside is only a tiny part of the life people wish to share with us.
I have to remind myself that all those shiny happy people I see whose lives are filled with rainbows and kittens probably hate rainbows and kittens, have a pile of laundry the size of Mount Everest, and have voices in their heads screaming at them to make something of themselves.
I often feel like I’m not getting a lot done, but generally have a more positive outlook on things. I’m a stay at home mom to 4 boys, two in school and two at home. So, often, the most I get done in a day is grocery shopping or a couple of loads of laundry or just helping kids with homework. Once or twice a week, the state of the house starts to bug me and I get super productive for a few hours. There are sometimes moments with my boys that I take a mental snapshot and try to keep that perfect moment with me: moments that I’m proud of them, moments that they are being loving, moments where they’re showing just how grown up they are. There are so many different ways you can feel productive and like it was a good day. On the other hand, I have plenty of days that the kids drive me nuts, there are messes everywhere, and I feel like I’m yelling all the time. It’s super hard when my Air Force husband is away for long periods and I’m dealing with it all on my own without any breaks. This time has been a bit easier with help from friends and family so that I’ve gotten a few breaks here and there. When my husband is home, once a week or so I take a few hours and go out by myself to have some “me time.” That is such a sanity saver. Sometimes I just need some time where no one’s depending on me. I know it’s hard, but try to keep busy and look for the small things that can make a hard day feel a little better.
Your honesty is heroic. I feel like more of us than would ever admit it feel the.exact.same.way. Thanks for giving us a space to talk about this.
(And I know that I know that I know this doesn’t help you, but you are awesome everyday, we all know it even when you don’t.)
I feel exactly the same as you and yet I am probably one of the people that you would say has a pretty, pastel, happy life. Most people in this world are full of cracks, dirt and shame. Some of us just hide it becasue we are afraid to be ourselves. It is better to be authentic — as you are. I am working on expressing my authenticity. It is not easy.
I used to feel that way a LOT more.
But when I was in my late 20’s I went on a women’s retreat. And an older lady (older than me at the time, I’d say around 65) said something in a discussion group (where I was the youngest) about how she was finally beginning to feel like she was getting her life together. I latched on to that and asked everybody in the group about it.
I this very large group of successful women, only this 1 person felt like she had her life together in a successful way. And it had taken her 65 years to feel that way.
That’s when I realized that I didn’t have to have it all together. That little voice? It lies. Wait until you’re 70, and then look back on your life like it was someone else’s and make the judgement call then (and not until then).
I feel like a failure even on the days when I DO go to the bank. I don’t know who I am or what I want to do or where I want to live. I’m pretty sure that everything I do is a mistake, or conversely, everything I don’t do is a mistake, and basically I’m always right, so I guess I’m good at catastrophizing. You’re not the only one, Jenny.
I’ve had a few of those shiny, happy people confess to me that they sometimes/often feel the same things. Even the ones who seem successful struggle. It’s cross-situational. And I heart you.
I have not been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, or ADD. I feel like this most of the time. I feel better when I’m busy, and I feel best when I have accomplished something. Those days are few and far between. I blame our grandparents. They had the “perfect life” ideal. Everything had to be perfect all the time. Our parents tried to instill this in us even if they never got there themselves. And we carry all of this guilt about meeting an ideal that few if any can meet in our modern life. You sound perfectly normal to me 🙂
Just so you know…..I haven’t read any of the other responses, so if I’m a repeat, I apologize. I feel this way every day as well. I have spent years in school, graduated top of my class, and have a successful career/job, however, some days I can not go any further than the couch due to pain and/or mental stuff. The thing that helps me the best is to make myself get up and go outside. Sometimes this is only a short walk with the dog and sometimes I just stay out there and do stuff. This reminds me that there is a world outside of me and my head and my physical pain. Also, if I’m gonna hurt any way, I might as well DO something. Some days I can’t even do that, but if I can, it helps. I love you! You are a very special person and you have been given the unique opportunity to help people like us and you are using it to benefit the special in all of us. Be Proud!!!
You have almost 1,500 comments by this point, so apologies if you have already heard this. But I think you need to give Ingrid Michaelson’s “Keep Breathing” a listen.
When my therapist asked me how I was able to get through an extremely traumatic experience while feeling an overwhelming urge to die, I told her, “I just kept breathing.” This was years before I had ever heard the song.
And sometimes, it is enough to get through the day and just breathe.
You’re hearing a lot of people saying that you’re not the only one, and I hope you’re able to take that in, because it’s true, you’re definitely not the only one who feels like that.
I’d like to go further and ask if you’re sure that those shiny happy people you see really are so shiny and happy? How do you know they don’t wait till Thursday night to do the entire week’s homework? Maybe they do, but are so intent on not letting anyone know that they do that, so they pretend to be all put together. Maybe inside their head, they’re as filled with doubt as you are.
I can’t guess whether it’s normal thought patterns or not, but I know it’s NOT just you. Just living life one day to the next but not really *living* life to the potential that I know I could if only I could get over my own inner hurdles, it weighs on me most days. Some days if all I get done is doing a load of laundry, I feel like I deserve a few fist pumps as though I just climbed Mt. Everest. Don’t worry about the ones who LOOK like they’re being Wondermoms having something on you; they’re struggling with issues of their own and overachieving or trying to have the magazine spread life and home is THEIR way of dealing with their own, different inner hurdles. I don’t think they’re any happier or any less screwed up than the rest of us, just that their struggles and the way they deal with them are different.
I’m not sure how many of these you read but I am a first time commenter because this hit home for me. I am a Pinterest mom. I have boards and I do the things I pin because I enjoy not having to be creative and just following the recipes of others to be a good and creative (seemingly, at least) mom. Also, I love to bake and can and make cards. I am not a good housekeeper and my van is constantly needing to be emptied of all the stuff. It makes me feel bad that I can’t keep all of it nicely. Eating Chinese food again for dinner tonight also makes me feel bad. Being overweight makes me feel bad. However, I have learned to feel good if I got to the daily things that I feel are the most important. Did I connect for even a few minutes with my kids? Important. Did I tell my kids and hubby that I love them and hug and kiss them at least once? Important. Did I find some time to do something that I love to do? Important. All the rest is just icing on the cake. Lowering my expectations of what my life should look like helps me feel like my individual days are successful. Today I did all of my important things PLUS I fed my kids healthy breakfast and lunch. I am friggin supermom, right?!?
Maybe 3 days per month. Between the depression, anxiety, and migraines that’s about as good as I get. I feel shitty about it all the time, especially when I feel like I should be having more fun with my son. What helps? I put a big sign on the fridge that reads, “today I will be successful if . . .” And I set the bar really low. Sometimes, I’m successful if I take a shower or eat lunch.
Even if you accomplish nothing else in this life, the simple fact of your existence– knowing that you are out there is really helpful to many of us.
Many days I measure my self-worth by whether or not someone repinned one of my pins on Pinterest. It’s like a tiny little reassurance that I offer something of some level of value to someone else. All too frequently I feel like I don’t offer anything of value to my own life.
You are so far from alone. I just turned 53 and I feel that way all the time. I see all these accomplished people and think I have let down my parents, my kids, myself. My house is never organized and I shudder to think of the dust collecting behind my nightstands or anywhere else that requires effort to clean. I should probably mention that I still feel guilty about forgetting to bring my daughter to her dance recital twenty years ago. And how horrible do you think I still feel about forgetting my baby son in the car when I ran in the store to get his formula. It took 2 minutes before I remembered and ran out to the car crying hysterically. That was almost 23 years ago and the thought still upsets me.
I just keep telling myself that life isn’t SUPPOSED to be anything more than what it is for me right now. Some people have nonstop adventures, some save the world, some run a vacuum regularly. Don’t let the bullshit bog you down. You are a warm, funny, loving human being who’s family and friends adore her. In the grand scheme of things, you’re ahead of the game and at the same time, non of it matters. Let it go; baby steps, and fake it till you make it.
BTW- those perfect “Pinterest” people are filling the empty spaces in their own lives. You don’t know what their journeys entail.
I think most of those people who look so successful on the outside are either really good at pretending or hate their lives so much they are pretending to be so awesome so they don’t look in the mirror. Do you know how many people I know who have actually gone on a picnic? I don’t know either, so it must not be many. I think people in general, but women more specifically, feel a fantastic amount of pressure to “KEEP UP”. Do this do that run here run there….and really very little of that matters. My job every day is to keep myself and my kids alive. Anything else is just gravy.
Totally feel the same way… fighting depression and anxiety has kicked in as I have gotten older. some days I accomplish nothing and others I’m on fire… Just wish I could find a balance. Glad to know that all of us aren’t alone out there Thanks for putting your words down better than I ever could….
I feel pretty unsuccessful a lot of the time, but mostly because I’m an unemployed stay at home mom (with great kids, but still – you know). This time of year is the fucking worst, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Those goddamned PTA moms. (And dads, actually – our co-president is a man this year – go him.) I truly truly hate the orientation stuff, the welcome back picnic stuff (see? picnics!), the simple idea that I am somehow responsible for the social well-being of my children. Because, if I’m not out there being friendly for them, then they won’t have any friends. Which is completely not true, it’s just hard to be confronted with it. So, anyway, maybe it’s a time of year thing? And imho, Pinterest is the devil. All that shit is fake. That’s what I tell myself. Feel better, bb. You’re super cool and if it helps, you can compare yourself to my train-wreck of a brother who’s an addict and who left his kids. That usually helps me – at least I’m fucking here. As you are there for Hailey. Good luck, chica. Kisses.
Thank you for this. I have flashes where I think “maybe.” But most often (as a state I am actually in now) I think “why?” Why bother. Why would anyone read my writing. I am tired. I don’t care. I should just give up. I am at best mediocre. I do not know if this is a result of depression/anxiety or perhaps even fear of the possible success.
My dream is to one day publish. I think I can see the success in my head – great ideas for topics, brilliantly eloquent words to expound upon my themes, actually making a difference. But there is a sludge between my brain and execution that stalls everything out. Maybe we’re looking at it wrong. This online community makes me feel like me. Talk about alternative reality…
I don’t really know how to define successful. I feel very much as though everyone else has their sh*t together and I am faking it, playing at being a grown up, but that I am just a frightened child sitting in front of drifts (no longer piles) of mail and paper and hoping desperately to be invisible. I feel anxious in crowds, paralyzed by the thought of making phone calls, and after going back to work, have almost entirely pulled back from involvement in my daughter’s school, or the hobbies that used to feed my soul. I feel inferior to almost everyone I know. This is how I feel, though- and on my best days I know that everyone sucks in some way, but that the perfect seeming people are just putting on a better show than I am. My feelings are lying to me, and on a good day, logic wins over my irrational perception of myself. But even on a good day (perhaps 6 to 8 a month?), I would never be able to say “I’m succeeding.” Just maybe sucking less, or not crying in the car.
I find your Blog to be helpful when I need reminding that depression lies. And you make me giggle, so thanks.
totally needed this. I feel awesome maybe 2 days a month
. I’ve met the quota for the month already. I always want to add pointless crap to the to do list just to check it off and feel better about my life
1- keep kids alive (yep did that, sort of ) 2- get out of bed- check 3) pee (check- uncheck if it was supposed to be without an audience because that will never never happen again in my life I’m sure. ) thanks for being real. really.
Jenny, what you wrote today is a great description of about 90-95% of the world population. Those people you mentioned with their pastel lives…?…They are all full of shit! Everyone is on the same fake-it-till-you-make-it train. We are all putting on an act to hide the truth about our sorry, disorganized lives.
I moved in early June, THREE MONTHS AGO already, and I’m not even one quarter of the way done with unpacking. Every morning, I wake up with the intent to get through 1 or 2 boxes, but first I feed the dogs, then I sit down with my laptop and read the various news websites, I check Facebook, etc., etc., and before I realize it, it’s NOON, and I haven’t even taken a shower or had breakfast yet. After I convince myself that I really should take a shower and get dressed, go out to the garage and look around for a small, easy box to unpack so I can feel better about my day…which doesn’t happen because my phone will ring, or my laptop will chime indicating a new email has arrived. I am so easily distracted that I’ll be on my way to the bathroom to pee and go off doing something else that I totally forget I needed to pee 2 hours ago.
It is currently after 4pm local time…all I got done today was read and reply to your blog…and the dogs got fed…it’s hard to forget that because they sit next to me and pant, and drool on my bare feet until I get up and put food in their bowls…I’ll hang on to that as my big accomplishment for the day.
Some people really do have their shit together, but most of us don’t. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone.
I’m going to take a shower now…
Apparently you are not alone! Sometimes I feel miserable and sometimes I want to curl up in a ball, but I don’t generally evaluate myself as ‘today was a failure’. I have three or four bad days a month, and many, many good ones. I’m also a long-time user of antidepressant drugs and it sounds to me like maybe you should rework your prescriptions. Not everybody feels the way you described.
It is not just you. I do not suffer from depression, anxiety, or anything of that nature, and yet I still spend most of my life feeling like a failure. I am also one of those people you probably look at and think I’ve got it all together. I work a full time job, I go to school part time and maintain a pretty good gpa, and I have three kids. I don’t attend PTA meetings (and probably never will) but none of my children are in school right now. We do playdates, ballet classes, and swim lessons. Sure, it seems like I’ve got it all figured out, but there’s plenty you won’t see. The two weeks worth of laundry building up on my bedroom floor because I don’t have time to fold them. The fact that you can barely walk in the 3 year olds room because I don’t have the time to make her clean it. Even the way the thought of going home at the end of the day and trying to cook dinner makes me want to cry. My garage is filled with boxes that have been sitting there unpacked since we bought our house 4 years ago. The more the stuff builds up, the less motivation I have to get ANY of it done.
What makes me feel the worst is having that constant reminder sitting right there in my face of all the things I didn’t get done. The mess makes it hard to think and I have an unrealistic idea of how much I should be able to do in a single day. I have this huge list of stuff I want to accomplish.
I try to remember there are things that have to get done in a day and there are things that don’t, and I shouldn’t beat myself up if I don’t get to the things that don’t. I have also developed the habit of doing something as soon as I see it needs to be done. Instead of walking past the pile of dirty clothes several times a day and doing nothing about it, I stop myself and say “why not now?” Even if I only fold 4 or 5 items, that’s better than it was. I can spend 5 minutes picking up as many toys as I can in my daughter’s room before reading her a bedtime story, it’s that much better than it was. At the end of the day, don’t focus on everything you didn’t do, focus on everything you did do. No matter how small that list is, every single thing on it is an accomplishment. I got out of bed this morning = accomplishment. I made it to work on time = accomplishment. It helps.
I just don’t think anyone wants to admit that we all have days (or months or years?) where you feel your biggest accomplishment is that the laundry is done, only to be secretly mad that these people insist on wearing clothes and ruining your work. Every single day I go to bed vowing to so better than I did today, and some days I do. Other times? I lay on the couch and watch reruns of How I Met Your Mother and eat cereal out of a soup mug, ashamed that I have so much to do and no motivation to do it and wondering what is wrong with me.
Jenny, we all have to be the poster child for Something. Great job on the Imposter Syndrome Poster Child! All you need is an “appropriate” photo posing with a stuffed iguana.
I’m saying this because by now, after 1600-some comments in support, I figured next time you feel productive you can find a stuffed iguana and camera and go for it.
We love you. Obviously.
I don’t normally comment on blogs, I think maybe I’ve commented here once or twice in the forever I’ve been reading your blog. When was it that Wil Wheaton sent you a picture of himself collating paper? That long. I read your blog not just because you are funny and make me laugh out loud in a way that worries my children, but because you make ME feel less alone in my struggles with depression. In a good week, I feel like I was actually a successful human being about 1- 2 days. I don’t mean successful as in, “I should write a will so that my estate is properly handled when I am gone”, but as in “I was a proper human being today. I brushed my teeth and everything!”
Just remember: Depression Lies. You are fabulousness personified. When I am having a day when I just want to curl up in bed and pretend that I don’t exist, or I want to EAT ALL THE THINGS!! or just in general feel like I suck at everything, I call someone. I hug my kids. I listen to music. I take a shower. I read your blog. Often, YOU remind me that Depression Lies.
Hang in there.
I think you are totally normal. I feel like a success zero percent of the time. Well, that is not totally true. It’s just that every time I feel like a success, my brain slams that door shut. The problem for me is that I don’t have kids (can’t have them), so I also feel like a failure as a wife and a woman.
But I’m not suicidal or anything.
I’m not in drugs.
I am not in therapy.
I have always had an overwhelming sense of responsibility. The one time I went to a counselor fir a few sessions, she didn’t know how I functioned. I have a good job, my own house, a good marriage…I am not in debt and am totally functional despite the fucked up shit that brain does to me.
I stopped therapy after that session. Mostly because she told me to be my own best friend. That…that will never happen, let’s be honest. I am my own worst enemy. I am intentionally cruel to myself and I hate going to work every day because it means I have to shove the emotions down to function for nine hours before I can retreat again to safety.
I used to think some of this was because I am painfully introverted, but I recently realized that the majority of people I know are introverted. Which means nearly all of us feel this way. The ones who don’t are the minority.
This is why we all need to be kind to each other…and be good friends to each other…because I can’t be my own best friend, let alone friend…so I need a little external help.
Somehow, friends have a way of reminding us that we are doing just fine at being human, because we all suffer the painful insecurities in one way.
I have much lower standards than you. I consider it a good day if I paid attention to my kid, didn’t overly nag my boyfriend and ate something tasty. Sometimes those basics are too hard to achieve, but if I have, I feel pretty good. The 8 million other things I’m supposed to be accomplishing? Eh, who’s keeping score.
I feel truly successful when I deep clean the house. Which is about once or twice a month and that is being generous. Other than that I coast thru life. It is not rewarding but I feel that any other outreaching will result in horrific failure and rejection on a heart ripping out scale that I don’t want to be apart of. I think this should distress me more( and in the middle of some nights, it does.) but really, so far, it has not.
You are enough if you feel like it and if the people in your life that mean the most say you are too. I look to my mom and, out of all the craziness we have been thru, she can still look at me and say “I told you the therapist wouldn’t say you’re insane. I know you are crazy but not insane.” That is enough for me. Not words of wisdom but that isn’t my department, I just thought I would share cause you sounded like you were in need.
Every day you do AT LEAST one thing right. Today the thing you did right was to write a sincere, emotional note. The feelings you have are evidence of your humanity. The thoughts you are having are just your brain nitpicking every detail. Step back from those thoughts and don’t get your emotions tangled up in them. Tell yourself “Oh that is just my monkey brain, chattering away, looking for drama”.
You need to tell yourself that life is not about perfection. Everyone has highs and lows. Those people you think are perfect aren’t. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and enjoy yourself. You are a wonderfully talented writer with a rich imagination, great sense of humor and many people derive a lot of enjoyment from your works. I know I do. Hang in there 🙂
Let’s be clear here: shiny PTA moms don’t have their shit together anymore than anyone else. (They just make “looking good” a priority.) I know plenty “shiny” people who haven’t vacuumed their homes in weeks. I stopped comparing myself to everyone else a few years ago when I realized that those shiny people either (1) drink too much coffee and monster energy and never sit down or (2) hire people to do their stuff. Forget them! They’re not you!
Getting stuff done? I work 50+ hours a week and then again at home (don’t get me started on my husband) with the laundry and dinners and dishes. Stuff gets done, sure, but days per month where I feel, like “Damn! I did good today!” 2-3 tops. and I don’t have mental illness (at least not that I’m aware of).
If you can manage the essentials, be proud of yourself! That’s food and clothes and shelter. If you didn’t make it to the bank today, well, then it wasn’t essential. I’ve been talking about buying stamps now for a week. I mean, really how hard is it? I still haven’t done it. The bank, well, I’ve had a check in my purse for 3 days that needs to be deposited… I could stop by on my way home from work, but I forgot. And I got overdrawn, but it happens. I pretty much have resigned myself to the fact that my sheets won’t get washed and changed every weekend. I have better things to do – like reading with my kids, or playing catch or just snuggling on the couch and watching TV, or getting yogurt.
You are most definitely not alone. I spent a good part of my life struggling to be perfect – the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect wife. Useless, unattainable goals – so I stopped even trying, taking chances, dreaming. And then I had children. Hardest thing in my life – still is. But it made me realize that I did not expect perfection form them; why was I so different?? They were allowed to be sad, disappointed, angry… happy even. We should all give ourselves permission to be all of those things that we accept in others.
I might feel this way if I actually thought about “success” at all. There are many, many days that I don’t accomplish anything that anyone else would think of as important, or interesting, or useful, or significant. The thing is, I refuse to measure my life that way. I don’t care about success, as defined by society. When people ask, “What did you do today?” and I say, “I went to the park with my daughter.” they might think, “That’s all? That isn’t anything!” but it is. It’s talking, and laughing, and enjoying the sunshine, and eating ice cream, and learning about acorns or ants or clouds or whatever happens to cross our path. A successful day is a day when I made someone smile, or created a memory, or learned something new. A successful day is a day I enjoyed. Most people would probably say I’m not a success, because I have a low-paying dead-end job and a messy house and no car or other stuff by which my success can be measured, but when I’m an old woman I will have a lot of stories to tell. Not stories about far-off places and exciting bucket-list style extreme adventures, but warm, funny stories about family and friends and what things were like way back when. Maybe you feel you aren’t a success, because you’re using the wrong metre stick to measure your success with.
I rarely have days when I don’t feel like a failure, but listening to the song “Never Surrender” by Skillet helps me keep moving forward.
To be honest, you sound like your putting far too much pressure on yourself! Most of what you’ve described is absolutely normal! No one can possibly live up to such high ordeals – and even if they appear to have their shit together, you can bet there’s some insecurities they have.
Don’t pressurise yourself to be perfect, just be you! Do something every day to make you smile, even if it involves a stuffed dead squirrel!
I’m still reading your first book and it makes me laugh out loud! – so even when you think there’s no hope, remember you’re cheering someone up somewhere, hundreds of miles away, who’s had a really shit day, too!
I’m going to take you at your word that you’re serious. I used to feel like I wasn’t as good as anyone else because I was comparing myself to everyone else, as though everyone else had everyone else’s best characteristics rolled into one, except me. I had none of them. A manager finally got tired of it and introduced me to a new client for a software project I was going to run, “This is Carol. She’s a pilot. The only time she picked up a gun, she shot nothing but bulls-eyes. She speaks Chinese.” Since it was mostly true, I had to stop getting down on myself for all the things I wasn’t. Your 3-4 days a month are awesome and we are all the better for the fact that you are in the world. People wish they had the 3-4 days of awesomeness you have, but that’s their problem.
you are not alone! i think we all have this to varying degrees! at least, that’s what i like to tell myself 🙂
First of all, you are DEFINITELY not alone…this is evidenced by the sheer number of comments. I haven’t had a chance (nor do I have the time, unfortunately) to read them, but I have a feeling they are all saying this:
ME FUCKING TOO.
I know that’s why I’m writing. I should have, could have, wish I would have written this very thing and hoped to hell it explained my every day battle to other people. Even those closest to me don’t see the crazy that goes on every day in my heart and head. I feel the absolute worst about myself and the least accomplished when I know the outside world is seeing the exact opposite. Quite frankly, I’ve been kicking ass in job performance lately BUT inside I feel like an abject failure and a fraud. I barely hold up my end of a 3.5 year relationship (because it’s fucking hard to support anyone but myself — financially, emotionally, physically) and have about 3 friends. I have no social life except for work HHs with work “friends.”
I have spent more weekends than I’d ever want to admit to the shiny, pretty, happy people sleeping and hiding in the house because I just don’t feel like fucking going out. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to shut off my brain to stop beating myself up (because God knows what will happen) because I’ve wasted another beautiful day doing NOTHING.
I am a super introvert who has to be extroverted for work ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I craveneedwantdesperatelyfuckingneed ALONE time and rarely get it, so I will go to busy stores and just wander the aisles. I don’t make eye contact, greet anyone or make small talk. I feel completely anonymous and alone in the world in those moments and that saves my sanity for the next 12-15 hours, and then it all starts right back the fuck up.
You are not alone, Jenny. Seriously.
That said, I feel like crap every time I go on Facebook and see everyone’s fabulous lives.
I feel that way all the time. Even when I do accomplish something I still feel like a failure. I’d say it’s normal but I’m really not sure what normal is, so…
Oh honey, seriously. The societal pressure to be a “super-mom” is absolutely ridiculous. The only person that needs to think you’re a great mom already does, and that’s your daughter. Look at yourself through her eyes, and give yourself some love! I love some of these comments. I chose to play with my kid, rather than sanitizing every last damnable corner of it. Now I have a kid that loves being with me, even though he’s 17 years old. I just wanted to say how brave you are by putting out all your faults and foibles and quirks, it’s nice to see I’m not alone in being an odd duck on this planet. I adore reading your blog, Miss Jenny, please don’t ever stop being you.
I have friends who are the shiny PTA moms and seem to have all their shit together with the big perfect houses and maids that clean them and do the picnics and all that, and every single time I start to feel like I need to be more like them, I find out some huge skeleton in their closet like their husbands having affairs and how unhappy they are and how they all are in therapy for alcohol abuse, etc. I have a mostly pretty messy house, I’m lucky if we all sit down together at the table to eat once a week (ok, twice a month) because that’s what my big recliner chair was made for. I only force myself to be really productive a few days a month (if it’s a good month, maybe one day a week) outside of the requirements for my job.
Everyone I know tells me all the time how my marriage (and family) is the happiest they know and wonders how I can stay best friends with my husband and what my secret is for being so solid. I think they perpetuate their version of “perfect” to try and make it seem normal, but I’d bet money that there are more of US out there than them. And their version of perfect is usually the furthest from the truth.
It’s not just you. Everyone has secrets, and the shiniest, prettiest lives have their dark corners. We ALL feel like failures at something. I know I do. Every day.
I’ve gotten myself into enough credit card debt that I’m living in a bug infested hovel without tv to try and fix my financial ruin. I graduated with honors with a BS in financial management.
I’m incapable of believing that someone could be attracted to me or love me. I always think they want something from me, sex or money or whatever they can get from me. Sometimes I’m convinced my own family doesn’t like me much. I’m dealing with it but I don’t know if I’ll ever fix it.
I am 37 years old and I have no idea the person I actually am because I’ve spent a lot of time trying to be the person they told me to be. Trying to fit in what other people thought I should have, or work at, or act like, or talk like, what should make me laugh or cry or rage or hurt. The only thing I’ve really learned is trying to measure our lives based on anything other than the things or people we actually love and want and need will make us failures in their eyes AND in our own.
Jenny, I don’t know if this will help, but I once stood in front of you for about 6 seconds in my soft kitty tshirt and told you that you changed my life. What I didn’t tell you was that you saved it. Literally. Because when I’m feeling lost, and sucked into the void, when all I want is to just go, I get online and I read your blog, or I open LPTNH, and it reminds me I won’t feel like that forever. That I’m not alone. That I can figure it out. And I know for a fact that I’m not the only one you’ve saved.
So next time you think you need to do better at something, remind yourself that you have saved countless people, helped thousands cope with life, helped charites reach holiday goals, inspired celebrities, connected soulmates, inspired cosplay, JUST BECAUSE YOU FUCKING EXIST.
That’s a win, girl.
How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person?
A month? Not nearly that often…maybe a 2-3 day span in any given quarter. And generally not that often.
What makes you feel the worst?
The guilt trips other people put on me because I’m not all bright and happy and fully involved with everyone else’s life…I have enough trouble with my own life, dammit. Why do I have to be fully involved with anyone else’s?
What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?
Every so often, I write down the things I’ve accomplished in the last week or so…if there’s something on the list, that helps.
I know it isn’t just you, and sometimes I am as low as you say you are, in number of days I feel successful, other months much better. The Thing is, I’ve been through the agoraphobia, can’t leave my house, well, can’t leave a small zone where I feel safe, and that has come and gone over the years. Now I am 50 and my kids are just out of the house and I’m alone a lot more and those tendencies to stay home are creeping back.
The best help I’ve ever found is flylady.com Her free site and daily emails talk to who I really am, a crazy procrastinate, creative, disorganized, guilty, loving and she has helped me with routines and self talk that make me see the successes other people see. It was always the world saying, you’ve done all these thing, lived in China, traveled, stayed married, taught, raised kids, written books – and those were successful, but in my head it was all, O’m overweight and a slob and I quit so I wouldn’t get fired and I never make enough money so my husband is overwhelmed and I’m dumb and fat and ugly and did I mention, overweight and I weighed twice what I had when I got married??? Seriously Flylady shows we all have those doubts and why do we talk to ourselves more harshly than we would ever talk to out children? She teaches us to love ourselves and see us as a blessing to the world.
And by the way, when you feel really worthless, remember, you make the world laugh, well you and the chicken and that is not worthless. Beyonce may seem to be worth her weight in gold, but she was nothing without you
Hugs
Dixie
I feel like this ALL THE TIME. I have inattentive-ADHD and I’m married to a neurotypical person who’s really, really competent. Sometimes it fucking sucks. I lose days due to just not being able to get started, and it drives me batty. And I know from the outside that I look competent. I do. I just…I can’t believe it myself, and it starts a cycle of terrible beating myself up.
P.S. I get a daily email from The Universe, and without fail it makes me feel warm and fuzzy. I save them to re-read. Highly recommend. (i have no affiliation, only adoration)
http://www.tut.com/
Also, go on a media fast for a minimum 30 days. No TV, no radio, no magazines, no internet (except to post to your own blog of course). It is the healthiest thing anyone can do for their psyche.
You are not alone.
I’m hanging by a thread.
Thanks for posting this. I feel the same way and it helps to know that you (and so many others) are struggling too. My whole life I have struggled with depression and anxiety, and often it holds me back from making great accomplishments and truly appreciating what I have. I cannot see what others see in me and I feel I will never live up to their expectations.
After reading this, and knowing what you have done with your life, maybe it’s not just me. Maybe I can overcome this to accomplish great things.
You are definitely not alone. Not at all.
And, to be clear, while I am healthy and do not suffer from depression or anxiety or ADHD or, well, much of anything, I feel the same way. It’s part of the human condition… most of us feel it, and those that don’t are probably lying to themselves.
And a few days a month of feeling like you kicked ass is about normal from what I can tell. I get about the same rate of return.
So, on this front, you’re normal. Cheers!
I…honestly, I’m not sure what to say. I didn’t even know Impostor Syndrome was an official ‘thing’ – but I think I could be the poster child. Every accomplishment is framed in qualifications, every success has a negative footnote. I have had self-esteem problems and extreme shyness my entire life. They must be tied together. How could they not be?
I hate to say that I’m glad you feel like a failure at life – because, really, I’m not glad. Relieved, maybe, that I’m not the only one? I’m 43, and I feel like I’ve been faking it at the this ‘Life Business’ for many years. I bought a house 5 years ago – and everything that I did not need for immediate, day-to-day living is still in the moving boxes. Unopened. I don’t even know for sure what’s in them anymore. (Note that I should be proud that I bought a house all by myself, but didn’t even think to put that down until I re-read this.)
I spend my days putting off the tasks that are hard for me, or that give me stress. The house is in disrepair, my finances are REALLY not good, and I have piles of mail – and bills – that look like the stacks of books at Flourish and Blotts Bookseller. I have no husband, no significant other, no children. I toil at a job I hate because it pays the bills. Just barely pays them. What have I done, really?
I know my loved ones would disagree with me strongly if they knew I felt like this – so my abhorrence of confrontation leads me to keep quiet about it. But it’s true. I never figured out how to LIVE. And I’m now dealing with an incurable, degenerative disease, so really, I don’t stand a chance at making it work.
I can’t say anything I do actually makes me feel like a success, but certain things I do make me hate myself less, even if it’s only temporary. Finally attacking the things about which I’ve procrastinated helps. Knowing this, you’d think I would never procrastinate again. Wrong. It’s always with me. But I do feel better when I can make myself get some of it done. Conversely, leaving so many things undone makes me feel like shit, like I’m truly worthless.
I know you’re not looking for propping-up or compliments, but I do have to say that despite all the problems you mention having, if I could have done what you’ve done (husband, child, book), I would feel so much more accomplished. Maybe none of us ever see the true value of what we’ve done.
I’m reminded of a line from the Buffy musical episode ‘Once More…With Feeling’. “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.”
Truer words…
I guess I did know what to say, after all. I’m so very sorry you’re struggling; you deserve to be happy with who you are. We all deserve that. I hope you get there.
I’ve never commented here before, but had to chime in on this one.
Most days, I feel I’m barely keeping my head above water. I have two kids, ages six and ten, and a full-time demanding job. Between school, daycare, work, and a fairly minimal set of extra-curricular activities, I have almost no time or money left for myself. Some days, making lunches for school seems like an insurmountable task, and I can barely keep up with the dishes and laundry, let alone do crazy things like wash the floors and scrub the toilets.
I look at the other moms at school functions, and try to figure out how they manage to get their kids out the door, AND remember to put mascara on themselves. They seem so shiny and put-together, don’t seem like they’ve had to rush home from work, worrying about the pile on their desk and how it looks to have to leave early again, and chat effortlessly with each other.
You are NOT alone, and we are not alone (apparently). You have provided a place here in this corner of the internet where I feel like I have a tribe, and I thank you for that.
I can’t read through 1500+ posts, but if even a single person answered “Eh, it’s just you.”, then they are a fucking liar.
You are so not alone in feeling the way that you do… I look at everyone around me and wonder why and how they can be happy all the time. I know they probably aren’t .. everyone goes through shit… but the always look it and it makes me want to hit them. But I know its me. When I’m being told how (insert any compliment here) … my usual resopnse is “well, you don’t live inside this brain with me”… They laugh… I’m not joking. I’m telling the truth. I would be truly scared for anyone else to see what really goes on in there..it scares the shit out of me and I have to live with it..
Everyone’s version of what is normal, what is an accomplishment, what is success…. is so completely different that I honestly try not to think about it.. .its hard. But that pretty PTA woman who seems to have everything may be going home to an abusive husband.. maybe that big wig executive VP seems to have it all, but goes home to an empty house..
My version of successful… try to cherish that what ever my day holds for me…I go home to a loving husband and my four furry babies. They help me feel normal…I can take my dogs for a walk and the way the look and love me, that makes me feel successful. I hold on to that..
It’s not just you – I truly believe that everyone feels like this, but some people are just too cowardly to admit it. I also believe that it affects people in varying degrees. Some people are just lucky f*ckers and may only feel like this once a month. I don’t pretend to try and understand anymore. I spent my 20’s thinking that everyone around me had more than I did while not working nearly as much; that no matter how much I busted my behind, I would never have the perfect clothes, hair, house, family, or whatever else was making me feel insignificant that day. When I hit 30 I realized that I had spent the better part of a decade obsessing over everything that I didn’t have and the only thing that I had accomplished was a near crippling depression. I decided to make some changes and every day, I focus on one thing that I am proud of myself for. On good days, this leads me to think of another thing or two and I can actually feel like I am worth something. On bad days, I focus on the fact that I got out of bed and make peace with the fact that sometimes, that’s a big accomplishment! Life can be tough and overwhelming for everyone. This is the strategy that has worked for me. It’s not easy and it’s not quick, but I genuinely feel a little better every day and I’m at a point where I only feel useless and worthless about 5-6 days a month. Today, that’s something that I feel successful about. Hang in there, your candor is an inspiration to all of us. We love you and read your work not because you’re perfect…but because you have the guts to say what we are all thinking and feeling.
What do you mean “no one ever talks about it”?
Maybe you should read more blogs. And I don’t mean that in a bitchy way, but rather in the sense that you are probably so successful that you don’t have time to read a lot of what people are writing on the internet these days. At least by blogs way smaller than yours. Is there anything more talked about than how overwhelmed we all are? And how we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves? And how we feel inadequate in every aspect of our lives from productivity to sex to weight to income? It’s never ending. In fact, if I have to read one more blog with recycled advice in scripted, rustic font on how to handle the stress of all this or how I should be in some way “grateful” for it all, I’m going to have to stop fucking off at work all together and actually do my job, because that would be more satisfying.
I hate when I write a blog post that really was only meant to be a commentary on something and then people take it all out of context and start telling me how I should be proud of all of the things I’ve accomplished and not be so hard on myself, so I understand if this makes you uncomfortable, but in this case, you asked for it.
So here goes:
As far was one person operations go, you are probably about as successful a blogger as they come. The kind of success that hundreds of other bloggers are aspiring to and comparing themselves to every day. At least I am. Anytime I see one of those super popular sites that’s all about generic self improvement or fashion or beauty and I think to myself “I will never make it in the blogging world because that’s not the kind of shit I write about” I think of The Bloggess and say to myself “well she’s more successful than any of them. If she can do it. I can do it.” And I keep going.
So buck up, buttercup. You’re doing a lot better than most of us. However it was kind of fun to hear that you’re so unsure of yourself. In this “grass is always greener” society that we live in, it’s nice to know that even the people at the top feel completely useless from time to time.
You’re not alone, Jenny. Those pastel PTA Moms most likely go to bed every night thinking the same shit. The only difference is that they are shallow and don’t expose their true colors because they are too focused on what others will think of them if one of their plastic boobs explodes at Parent/Teacher conferences. You, my dear, are real. I am not one to blow smoke up anyone’s ass, so believe me when I say that every day I look to your blog to inspire me. I snicker, cry, and most of the time snort and come close to peeing in my pants with laughter. You’re HUMAN, and wouldn’t be ‘normal’ if you didn’t close most of your days with thinking things could have gone better. We all do that–especially as Moms. It’s definitely not easy being green, but as long as you realize every day comes with change and new beginnings, you’ll feel that much better… 😉
how many days a month do i feel successful? like i kicked ass?
really? about 2 1/2.
today wasn’t one, because i forgot how to spell “successful”.
people can sing your praises for days on end, but if you’re not feeling it inside, it sucks.
i get it.
Trust me, not just you. I’ve struggled with anxiety and phobia my whole life, since I was three. Also with depression, and a period of addiction during my early college years, but turns out that my depression wasn’t actually depression and my period of addiction wasn’t solely addiction. Earlier this year, after another period of intense depression followed by wild, self-destructive behavior I was finally, at age 22, diagnosed with bipolar 2. And it was such a relief. I hated myself, I had no idea why I did the things I did and I was honestly terrified. I couldn’t bear to believe that this could actually be me, that I’d never be able to control myself.
After the meds kicked in, I have less swings and feel much more stable, like ME again, after months. But the anxiety is still there, the panic is still there. I have a very high stakes high stress job, and I’m constantly getting down on myself that I’m not good enough, I won’t be successful, everyone is always better than me. And maybe I do suck at some of that stuff. I know I’ll never be a PTA mom, and maybe thats ok. Everyone has their things. Those women who look like they have it all together with a cookie cutter life? They’re probably on truly massive amounts of adderal.
I guess the point of this rant is, you are not alone. You are awesome, and people love you. I’ve been following you for years, and I would die to do a red dress photo shoot for you. That would actually be the highlight of my year. You inspire me, and you inspired me to own my mental health issues and not let them define me. Depending on my day, sometimes I define success as not going out and getting drunk despite the extreme urge, sometimes its finishing my laundry, and sometimes its something bigger. Take time to try and celebrate your triumphs, and if you’re finding it difficult, just remember, 99.9% of the world is feeling exactly the same as you. Maybe we just need one big hug sesh.
I love you. You are wonderful. I’m sorry you are having a rough time. I hope everyone above me and below me on this EXTENSIVE comment chain helps. <3
I very very rarely have really "successful" days. Maybe once or twice a year I'm like "I'm super amazing and awesome and today was super fantastic and I feel good about everything that happened." There is always a black spot. Or a grey spot. Or a tea stain on the white linen. Or a OMG WHAT IS THAT THING AND WHY DOES IT SMELL?! that happens at some point. No such thing as perfect in my world. Some days it throws a wrench in the whole thing. Some days I have to focus on something else. Most days I'm able to say "yeah I know it wasn't PERFECT but I'm not dead yet so success!" and that makes it a really good day.
For me the trick is to focus on successful moments (Yay you went to the bank!) and less on the day as a whole (except for the part where you survived… and weren't an arsonist…). When I'm feeling overwhelmed I do determine that success is ONE good thing. Some days it might be going to the bank or spending time with your daughter or heck some days success is that I remembered to brush my teeth.
I definitely don’t have the answers because I’m still working on this myself but I just wanted to say that you inspire me, your achievements inspire me and I think that being an inspiration to others is a great success. We need you in the world because you’re adding more individual awesome to it.
Girl, *I know this feel so much.* And here’s my advice: change your definition of success.
This is going to sound cheesy and maybe it is the opposite of helpful but honestly, try to find beauty in the mundane. Know that those shiny happy people have their own issues and are more fucked up than you know. Find a way to be present in the moments where you aren’t kicking ass, where you’re just being with people you love or just being you or whatever.
And if you can do that, if you can accept that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses and you aren’t a loser, you’re still going to feel like a loser sometimes. You’re still going to feel like you wasted time or didn’t live up to your own standards. Give yourself as much patience and forgiveness and love as you would give your best friend. Give yourself permission to not be perfect, even at giving yourself permission to not be perfect (DOES THAT EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE?).
But really, I feel this way a lot. Anyone who doesn’t is probably over-worked and overcompensating. Seriously. Who you are, what you can give, it’s enough. It really is. Try to appreciate and enjoy yourself and your life as it is instead of always reaching for something that probably isn’t real anyway.
And if this advice is just completely not helpful, at least hear that I understand what you’re feeling. Thanks for voicing what so many of us are afraid to in our obsession with making others believe we’re Wonder Woman. IT ISN’T JUST YOU.
You are not a loser if you have no interest in the PTO. If some moms live for the PTO, let them. Maybe they do it because they’re good at it. Maybe they do it because they love it. Maybe they do it because they believe SOMEONE must do it or the whole world falls apart. Or maybe – just maybe – they do it because they are as just terrified of saying no as you are terrified of saying yes.
I have to wonder if most of us aren’t just doing it wrong. Do you know why you’re on this planet? Does anyone? If you don’t know, then how are you supposed to know if you’re doing it correctly?
There are a lot of pictures of success. Most of them are foisted upon us by other people who make a profit or gain power when we try to meet the goals they set before us.
Most of the animals on this planet do very little other than eat, procreate, and see to basic survival needs. For them, not being hungry and not being in danger means success. By that bar, most of us are probably doing pretty well.
I believe we’re here to love our kids, help our neighbors, and find joy in whatever small things we can. Everything else is probably a lie meant to sell you something or a mistake made by someone who’s already been fooled by the lies.
I try to set aside a portion of every day to do something that qualifies as “productive.” That usually means something I don’t enjoy but that I know needs to be done. Sometimes that’s an hour. Sometimes it’s 6. Often I’ll break that time up into even smaller units and spread it throughout the day. But if at the end of the day I’ve fixed more things than I’ve broken, or cleaned up more messes then I made, that’s a win.
You are most definitely not alone. I would agree that maybe 3-4 time a month I really feel successful. The other days are just days I managed to complete all the tasks required of me for day to day life… and maybe did the dishes. I just try to remind myself that all those people that look so shiny and happy to me have their own struggles and I just can’t see them. For all I know, I hide mine and they think I have the perfect happy life.
I think we all need to start being a little more honest about out downfalls/struggle so that we can all stop feeling so alone in them. Thank you for putting yours out there.
After many years of feeling the same way – only successful a small portion of the time, and then huddled and hiding most of the rest of the time – I…gave up writing run-on sentences. And talking like…William…Shatner. Yet it bothers me that I don’t know if run-on should be hyphenated.
After living a great deal of my life in my head (VERY, VERY successfully, I might add – it’s fucking awesome in here. Wonka rivers of chocolate, long-haired rock stars who worship me, and long conversations with Richard Feynman where he admires my quirky insights and then we giggle with delight while playing the drums) – I discovered the best movie line ever, and my very own Credo. It’s from Reservoir Dogs – “Fuck all that.” When I heard Ricky Nelson sing “You can’t please everyone” I changed the next line to “fuuuuuck aaaall thaaat.” And yet I still write run on (just to be safe) sentences. I have studied metaphysics for 41 of my 51 years and the nugget I’ve learned is that we’re all one – each of us is simply an individuation of God. And that being so, who the HELL am I to judge a bit o’ God? And yet I do. And then I remember that since I’m writing my own story, I can change it at will. Today I will be super-gregarious. Tomorrow I will hide under my couch. And each of those actions is perfect for that moment and needed for balance. I named “Miss You’re Not Good Enough” Iago and yell at her whenever she pipes up. Fuck you Iago, I say.
I had a friend in high school whose mom was very “religious” (read judgmental) and when I called her house, the mom picked up the phone, still shrieking at her husband – and said “GODDAMNIT DONALD” and without missing a beat – “Praise the Lord, Hello.” I blame most things that go wrong on Donald and I yell at him often. Donald is a complete asshole. My neighbors frequently hear “GODDAMNIT DONALD” and each time I think “praise the Lord, hello” and I giggle as I remember that balance is really all that’s important. Enjoy the fucking shit out of the lows and also the highs. Life is one mother of a rollercoaster. And you may borrow Donald and yell at him as often as you like.
You are not alone in this.
I don’t have depression or anxiety. I have good friends and family. I am a well-liked person with a good sense of humor. Nevertheless, even knowing this, I spend a lot of time feeling low about my contribution to the world (or lack thereof). I’m not married and not a mother. I don’t have an occupation that matters. I want to do lots of worthwhile things (like volunteering) but never get around to it. I also never get around to pursuing a job I love or writing that book I’ve been meaning to write. As a result, I frequently feel a lot like how you’re describing it.
No easy answer, solution, etc.
I do two things:
1) I find pleasure from every small thing I can. I read 45 books this year, I killed that project at work, I cleaned my carpets. And so on…
2) I never take those other things off my “to-do” list. I keep trying. Even if I don’t get it done, the fact that I never really give up means something.
The fact that you question this feeling and ask people means something too. You have not given up either.
Thanks for that! 🙂
Yes, we are all faking it. Maybe 6 days a month at the most, when husband has days off work and I actually have to leave the house. The rest of the time, faking it.
What makes me feel like I accomplished something other than breathing all day? Laundry. At least one load a day.
We’re all in this together, as HSM would say/ sing. I know the pastel people, but believe they are not from this planet.
Jenny (& tribe)
You are not alone.
I sincerely think that most of the world is like us… it is just that MOST of the world are better actors that we are. Seriously – look at the number of responses to this post in just four and a half hours!
I have a perfect sister. Her home is immaculate. Her son is brilliant. Her granddaughters are exceptional. She is great at her job. She is still married to the same man after 44 years. These things are true – and it is not her saying it. She never mentions any of it.
But it is SO HARD TO LIVE UP TO ALL OF THIS! So – I don’t even try. I hide from the world.
People think I have my shit together because I am ‘outwardly successful’ I am lucky that I am very good at my job and that my view on life doesn’t seem to make its way to my professional being.
But personally – I am a wreck. My house is a disaster (it wouldn’t take much for me to let it go completely and to be on that hoarder show) I look at a pile of clutter and think – I should clean that up… and I just don’t have the energy or desire. I have thought about bringing someone in to help – but it is just to embarrassing for me to let a friend or family member help. And I don’t have the resources to hire professionals to assist. It is so bad – I don’t let people into my home.
If I don’t have a specific reason – it is not unusual for me to stay in my pajamas all weekend and never leave my house.
In answer to your question — I feel like I have professionally successful days about 3/4 of the month. But I RARELY have a day where I feel a personal success.
Personally I feel like a failure about half of the time. Some days I know I have a bunch of things to do but end up standing in the middle of the room willing myself to even begin. And then some days everything falls into place and it is perfect. Yesterday I was super hungry but was feeling really shy so I went to the dairy to get a pie but the dairy was too busy and a guy asked me if I was waiting in line which freaked me out so left the dairy and ended up not eating for 6 hours. Swings and round-a-bouts really.
okay so I don’t have any of the mental health stuff you have going on and sometimes I just fucking come home and think I can’t even open a can of chef boy ar dee for my poor children. You can make it to the bank??? Cause I can’t seem to prioritize to complete anything. If i’m kicking ass at work my house looks like an episode of hoarders and CPS is coming for my children. I’m killing it at the house and i’m on the verge of being fired at work. You are pretty damn awesome and from what I can tell your girl and husband love you so you are better than 50% of the world even if you never do a dish.
Either this is normal, or there are a lot of us that are f’d up.
I feel like I’m doing well for maybe 5 days in a month. I’m a new mom and half the time I forget to get clean underwear everyday.
As someone with a traditional office job I get this feeling but I can mask it behind the fact that I went to the office, I clocked in and clocked out (metaphorically speaking), so therefore I “did my job”. That’s a pretty poor crutch but I imagine it must be even harder when your style of work doesn’t even have that to fall back on.
Hope this helps somehow.
Hi
Depression has been kicking my arse for a few years now (second major depressive episode) and now I’m having migraines at a rate of 3 or 4 a week. Medication for headache no 9 this week – fingers crossed?!!?
Sometimes just walking the dog takes all that I have and since I don’t have a garden it’s also essential 4 times a day… least he then sits on my lap and gives me a cuddle.
You are the one who said it; Depression lies. Tonight my friend removed me from the house to make me go to knitting group – best thing! Hailee knows you love her – that is ALL that matters. I still go my folks, cuddle mum and the dogs and watch a DVD…
If I can accomplish ONE thing a day apart from the hound… that’s great. Sometimes that is having a shower! Someday’s I can write and go out and socialize and everything…. but not often. Your own limits are yours… no-one else’s.
<3 and xoxo
Kirstin
Totally completely and utterly agree with all of the above – and then some. I agree with what you’ve said, what your awesome followers have said…
I often ask my fiancé, who constantly tells me all the magical-wonderful goo of love phrases (I know I am lucky), why on earth does he want me? I know he does. I know he loves me. My rational side knows this. But then there is this evil horrible depressed side of me that doubts everything. I don’t know how to fully take a compliment without thinking “They’re just being ‘nice'” or thinking it’s a pity compliment. I say “Thank you” to compliments, then spend hours wondering what they REALLY meant. Cause clearly it cannot be true. Clearly.
That’s just the compliment side of things – I’ve found a shiny object and now I’m distracted.
Anywhoovil- Much love, J – I follow your stuff like it’s crack, or Molly. But I don’t want to dance with Molly like Miley sings. That’s just silly. I’d dance with you. 🙂
No, you’re not alone. (hugs) I have a history of depression with suicidal ideation and still fight a serious case of IS.
My best tools to fight it? Gratitude lists in the morning, lovingkindness meditation, but above all, Byron Katie’s The Work. It’s like cognitive therapy on ‘rhoids, except in a good way. (http://thework.com/) She has many videos which illustrate how the 4 questions work to battle the thoughts which cause us to fight reality. One which might appeal to you is about a young man who doesn’t feel he’s living up to his potential. I’ll find the specific url, if you’d like.
Also, check out her book Who Would You Be Without Your Story. It blew my mind.
Dear darling Bloggess:
I feel successful about half the time. I (for years) felt like a fraud, (even refused to cash a check for a work award — I figgered they’d be taking it back once they figured out what a useless nincompoop I was..)
The change for me was not one thing (therapy, drugs) but a TON of little things: redefining success, finding ONE good thing I’d done that day, learning to journal, learning to notice when a problem inside me is growing (sadness, feat, etc.) and just feeling that feeling and finally determining WHAT I was sad about or afraid of….
So dear darling Bloggess, MANY of us struggle with this and each of us picks our steps through life. I hope and pray you find the path that threads the needle between fear and despair to find daily joy and hope.
So, I spent most of my teen and adult life dreaming of being that pastel put-together person you described. As it turns out, I am mostly faking it. It looks good from the outside, but mostly it’s a sham. And knowing that there are other people faking it makes me feel better.
This is how I know:
-I am an active member of my son’s Boy Scout troop
-I also am the Troop Mom for both my daughters’ Girl Scout troops
-I work 40 hours a week, yet still recycle
-My front yard is mulched and landscaped by hand every year
-I shampoo my carpets myself
-At least three loads of laundry are washed each and every single day
-All of my kids are active in an after-school activity besides
None of this has made me a better person. The best times I’ve had with my kids involve sitting on the couch, bags of junk food strewn about, giggling at movies, wrapped in blankets. The house is a mess, and the less I care about it the more fun I have. No trinkets, no fancy ruffles, just stuffed animals and giggles.
Every day, I think about the things that should get done, and order them from important (don’t kill anyone, make sure kids aren’t naked, etc) to not important (that fortune cookie wrapper is still under the computer desk), then check a few off the list. Somehow the kids never go to school naked, which is kind of amazing when I think about it. But the most important thing is talking to the people who matter, and that happens every day. Every single day, I talk to at least three people who are important to me, and that makes each day a goddamn success.
All the hundreds of people who will respond to this — they’re your tribe, and we embrace you and admire and respect you. So you’ve got the whole belonging thing covered, even when it doesn’t feel like it. I think the only other task on the checklist of life is to pursue your own happiness, and to raise children who are slightly better able than you were to pursue theirs. Pretty sure you can cross that off, too. Everything else is just smoke and mirrors. I’ve been on the PTA for over a year and never attended a meeting. They’re having a potluck tonight. Starts right now in fact. And I’m like, ugh, I literally can’t even remember the last time I cooked my kid dinner, and you want me to cook for other people? No thanks.
And lots of studies are showing how bad Facebook is for mental health. It’s addicting and it leads people to believe that the carefully constructed images of other people are real. They’re not. Your book was so popular exactly because the majority of us are a lot like you.
No it absolutely is not just you! I think a lot of people work very hard to keep up those outward perfect appearances, but honestly they are probably just as unhappy as the rest of us. Personally, I feel like a failure on a daily basis. At 24 I’ve been in school 20 years now and I have nothing to show for it! It will be another 2 years before I get my degree. My apartment is a wreck (I too still have unpacked boxes from moving 2 years ago). I feel like I can’t take care of myself sometimes, let alone my pets. I worry over things I can’t control, I obsess about everything I’ve done wrong. I know I should try harder to celebrate my accomplishments, but I am more comfortable being disparaging toward myself. I feel like people are just lying to make me feel better about the things I do or don’t do. I can’t give you any advice because I haven’t found a way to deal with it myself, so I am in no position to help. I am sorry though, and hope you find a way to manage this.
Jenny, IMHO, you WAY overestimate the confidence level of the rest of the world. I’m no professional, but based on my very unscientific conversations with a fair few people I know, not many of us feel successful. Even though some may look together from the outside, all of us question it. “Smoke and mirrors” is how almost all of us refer to our big and small successes; it’s a mystery, and we ALL feel like we’re fakin’ it to make it. It’s not just you. And I’ll go one further: I think that anyone who says they feel like they’ve got the world by the tail 100% of the time is just flat out bullshitting. Or that person is an egomaniac, in which case, who gives a shit what they think anyway.
I can completely relate to everything you wrote in this post. I have probably 7 days a month when I actually feel good. The rest of the time, I question every thing I do and say and whether I’m good enough to even exist alongside these other “normal” people. But my job forces me to go out into the world, though my interaction with people I don’t know is seldom required, which is good bc my mouth and brain don’t connect well, so I’m mostly silent unless it’s an area of my expertice. As far as coping, I had to learn to accept that some days, breathing and not saying gibberish is a good day. I also have a young daughter and am married. I do everything I can to focus on her as my inspiration for making it through the bad days. I’m not saying this is right for you, or anyone else reading this comment, but I can always find at least a modicum if sanity by being outside moving, usually running or walking. The grass, birds, the natural words remind me that all things will be taken care of as they should. My spiritual journey has led me to believe in a God that loves, so when I see that my God loved a bird enough to give it a healthy, prosperous life, then surely he loves me too. Everyone’s spiritual journey is their own, so I want to make sure it’s clear that I’m not pushing anything on anyone, just sharing one way that I cope. Some days I wish the struggle would magically stop, but that’s not going to happen, so I just do the best I can. I work on one minute at a time and when the next minute comes, I work on that one. It’s really hard, but it’s how I am still here and can enjoy those few good days. Best wishes.
Wow. Did we break the comments section yet?
I’ve had a week of double-dose meds, had my 3rd session of CBT today, eaten a whole pizza, 5 snack-packs of chocolate biscuits and 6 choc-ices, drunk most of a bottle of Rioja (normally can’t drink more than half a bottle!) and got spacey from smoking a cigarette (I don’t smoke). I’ve not showered in about a week and have just gone to bed in my clothes.
This is not even *close* to being the worst day I’ve ever had.
You’re totally fine and wonderful. We all are, in our own fabulously crazy ways…
I love you furiously (though that may be the Rioja talking…)
Mx
Dearest Jenny! I used to believe in the perfect people and fabulously coiffed PTA moms. Hush, little bunny, let me tell you a story…
I’m 35, diagnosed with cancer literally days after I land a job at a prestigious academic institution. My friend also gets the same job. She is tall, gorgeous, perfect posture, amazing teeth, and rich. I live in a shitty apartment around the corner. On a main thoroughfare. Across (literally) from a train. Our kids are in the same class. Mine gets frustrated notes home everyday that say things like, “he is rambunctious and reads ahead.”
Fast forward three months. I’m walking to avoid congestive heart failure from my meds. I’m wearing an adult diaper and I have just crapped behind my neighbor’s bushes. I have gained forty pounds and I am hot, swollen and pink, with holes in my body and stuff oozing out. Like a pre-teen erection, all fleshy and willful and absolutely without direction.
I sit on the corner and I can see directly into her house. She and her daughter are sitting at the table, reading. (Who does that shit? Reading is best done in various states of lounging). I am acutely, poignantly, painfully suicidal.
A year later I am surprisingly not dead.
My family knits itself around illness. I am back to work full-time, doing what I love even if I feel I do not do it as well as SHE does. Then I find out the secret:
Her husband is cheating on her. With our boss. They are conspiring to fire her, so she will have to move away. He beats her and tries to drown her in the toilet.
It doesn’t matter what it looks like on the surface. People project on to us their insecurities. I saw her riches, not her struggles because I couldn’t see past my own. I learned that – when I drop the story-line – our suffering, our striving and our neuroses…pretty much the same. I think when people see me they say “she is smart, successful, so capable, so lucky”. I just have to remind myself that they see my riches. If I listen I know they are right. And that I’m also a totally irresponsible, forgetful, messy, self-centered dork. Thank goodness I have room for all this awesomeness.
We all do.
Love
I have accomplished nothing for a very long time.
Sometimes not even the basics of everyday living. It’s always easy to see the successes of others and to over look the things we do ourselves.
Not doing PTA is nothing. You make time for Hailey, there are thousands and thousands of parents that don’t do that, take the win. Are you winning awards for your parenting? Nope. So what? Good enough IS good enough.
We are all failures in lots of ways, but we are winners in others (some of us win more than others).
Today I made a dozen little origami cats, that has to be enough. Not because I think it’s enough but because I have to take the little victories. I did this while waiting for an anxiety management group, which I had lots of time to wait for because I’m unemployed.
I don’t need paper pussy cats, I need lots of other things but they were all I got out of today (ignoring hand outs from the group that I have yet to read, but they’ll count another day).
No one is perfect, all we can try to be is not arsonistic. And I say try, if you happen to still burn somewhere down, at least you tried not to, right?
I don’t normally post things- and I’m sure you’ll never get down this far… Have you ever heard of the phenomenon of “illusory confidence”? Essentially- it is where someone who is NOT good at something understands things so poorly that they think they are good at things they are terrible at. The converse is true as well- highly competent people tend to judge themselves much more harshly as they understand the situation better.
By this logic- you are probably really good at life. That’s what I like to think. I’ve had boxes I’ve moved at least twice and never opened. Don’t care. Doesn’t make me a bad person- means I have more important stuff to do. 🙂
I think there is a fancy name for the illusory confidence- but I don’t remember what it is….
My best friend and I own a music venue together and we still feel like we fail at staying on top of things. She’s behind in the booking, I’m behind in the accounting. The dishes in my sink have been there for about 3 – 4 weeks. I have multiple animals who drop fur as if they are all balding, but rarely vacuum. If I didn’t have to leave the house to go to a day job, I still don’t think I’d be doing any better.
I celebrate my successful moments. Sometimes I can celebrate my successful hours! I spent an hour cleaning the carpet in my office on Sunday and I called that a success. The fact that the vacuum cleaner even made it out of the closet is a success unto itself.
You can’t get shit done if you feel like shit. So, I read something. I watch a tv show or a movie. I write 3 sentences in my journal. And these things rarely happen in the same day. I got a massage the other weekend and felt better for a couple days. Still didn’t accomplish much, but feeling better was my accomplishment.
In your words, depression lies. You wrote a book and are raising a child. Two things I have never done and probably will never do. Those are amazing accomplishments. Does your daughter love you? I’m sure she does. Does Victor love you even though you torture him? I’m sure he does (or your body would still be missing). Do your readers love you? YES!!! You have helped more people than you can imagine, just by being honest about your mental illness.
Hang in there. <3
I completely know how you feel, watching others seem to succeed and soar when I seem to just get by and am killing myself doing it. And then I feel awful b/c I know there are millions out there who are REALLY just getting by and I should feel oh so lucky to be me, a stay at home mom with 4 healthy kids, who has the luxury of taking care of them and all their activities, as well as the house, etc. But I see the ones around me, with the shiny, perky, PTA mom selves, who go to the gym, clean the house, and work a part-time job and I completely feel like a failure. So what do I do?
Well, most days I try not to dwell, which I know is harder for you. I write LOTS of lists of all the everyday crap I have to do- go to the bank, dry cleaners, grocery, etc. And I put that damn list on the fridge and check it off as I do it, and add more things, and keep going. I think the list helps me feel accomplished. I hope this helps- I do think you are wonderfully talented, and I love reading your posts. But you are definitely not alone on the wondering how everyone is doing better than I.
Nope, this is me, too. When my friends introduce me to new people, they know to describe my occupation as “hustler” because that’s how I see myself. I’m a self-employed blogger but I feel like I’m just hustling whatever I can from day to day, with little to no stability.
There are some things that happen that are good, and I look at them and take the opportunity but I’m never sure that I deserve it. In fact, most of the time, I just believe that I conned someone into giving me an opportunity that will benefit me more than them. It’s whatever, but my focus is on surviving, so it makes all the ego parts seem less important, I guess?
For the most part I feel like I can never get enough done . Even when when I get tons done, I can see all the crap I walked past or just forgot about. You are not alone and now neither am I. Thanks.
So, I think just the fact that you think about this kind of stuff means you’re fine. I also think that all those people with pretty pastel lives don’t exist. They pretend it’s that way but they have dust and unopened boxes and closets with shit spilling out of them and moldy stuff in the fridge, too! You just don’t know it. But it’s there. As far as life goes, I’m pretty much all about existing. I exist every day. Some days I do something good, something that helps someone or makes someone smile. Other days I go to the mall and use my 40% off at Banana Republic coupons to buy me something purty. That’s my life. As long as each day goes by and we don’t hurt someone, or hurt ourselves, that is a good day. And just so you know, I think you’re pretty fucking amazing and I always wish I had done what you had done first. But I didn’t because I was busy just existing. xo
I don’t feel successful near often enough I guess. Maybe 3-4 days a month – most of the time I feel like I’m dragging along, just existing. I know there is more to living than this, and I’m trying to get out of my slump, but I’m there with you.
It is very rare that I feel like a success, and if I happen to be depressed, I think even those rare times were me just fooling myself. I go to work every day, I do a pretty good job, and I come home to a house that’s too dirty to invite people over. (I imagine that my dog walkers win the “who services the worst house” award at the holiday party every year.) I’ve slowly put on weight over the years, and while I know exactly how to lose it, I just can’t get myself to do it. And to finish the trifecta, I spend too much and have credit card debt. I’ve felt like a loser for most of my life because I never seemed to know what everyone else knows. Other people can do makeup, fix their hair right, and have the proper outfits for every occasion. Other people can talk to strangers. Other people have ambition. Other people know how to landscape their yards so they don’t have THAT house on the block. Other people can put in the effort necessary to have friends. Sometimes I feel like I’m just surviving. But my husband loves me. There are people at church who appreciate me. My bosses think I’m the greatest. My rescue dog thinks the world revolves around me. So even though I’m just surviving this life, rather than really living it, I am having a positive influence on the people around me. And in the end, that’s what matters. I can only do what I can do, not what other people are capable of. If you, Bloggess, have only one successful day per month, it is still worth it. It is success.
I don’t even know if you read your comments this far down, but I’m pretty sure EVERYBODY feels that way. Like I have a career, and a resume, and I’m employable, but most of the times it feels like I haven’t actually gathered any skills but only the ability to fake those skills. Somehow, because I still feel like the same person who didn’t have those skills, and those experiences, they don’t feel real. They are though, and nobody who’d meet me today could deny I have those skills.
Different metaphor: I cut all my hair pretty short 2 years ago (I’m a dude, and it just wasnt working anymore). Now to this day, I sometimes look in the mirror and feel like a person who was just cut off his hair, and people must be looking at me going “what happened to your head”, because that’s what I feel. But pretty much everybody in this town has only ever known me with short hair. This is who I am to these people.
This is what you have to remember. Internationally famous author, popular funny person on the interwebs? That’s you now! Just because you still feel like the same person whose life sucked doesn’t make you that same person. Remember, all the next person you meet will see is “Internationally famous author, popular funny person on the interwebs”, no matter how much you can’t feel it. If you never write a book again, you will still be that to all of us.
You may feel like a fraud, but most of us would KILL for the ability to pull off that kind of fraud! We just can’t do it, but you can. And because you’re awesome, we don’t even mind, instead, we celebrate every success like it’s ours. We would like to continue vicariously living through your proven supreme genius fraudster skills! Like I said, everybody feels like a fraud, you’re just better at it than most of us.
I’ve read your blog for a long time and I always appreciate your posts like this. I have been struggling with this exact thing lately. I usually have 3-4 days a month where I feel like I’ve been successful (and for me that means getting one thing done beyond going to work and figuring out what’s for dinner (and sometimes I don’t even manage that), like the dishes or laundry or taking a shower). I wish I had some super advice for you, but at least I can say, you are not alone. Hopefully that helps.
2-3 days a month I feel successful. The rest of the time I feel like I am sucking and also ruining my kids lives. And now I think that if someone like you, who does this amazing stuff, only feels successful 3-4 days a month, perhaps I need to back my number down to 1.
I have lived as a hermit for about 5 years and haven’t felt like a success in longer than that. I just push on. Push on and never look back or my abject failure as a human might catch up. Eventually you develop a coping mechanism you favor. I read. Keeps me from feeling too bad. Don’t really know how to wrap this up so…
Keep on keeping on,
Dirk
To the best of my knowledge I don’t have measurable depression or anxiety (and I only say that because I want you to be able to compare my “normal” with your “not normal”).
What I do have is a closet (*ahem* or two) filled with boxes that have never been emptied/put away since we moved here… in 1999.
Last year around this time my hubby & I sunk some (not a ton, but enough to feel it) money into my crafty area. I’ve barely used it since then and I feel horribly guilty about all the supplies/new organizing shelves/oodles of crap that haven’t seen use in far too long.
I find that I enjoy cooking – especially new/different meals for my family – it makes me feel like I’m rockin it. On the other hand, when I don’t do it for some reason, I feel bad or like I’ve let them down.
I’m enjoying learning about photography, but actually downloading the pictures to my laptop and sorting them is an EPIC chore. Which rarely gets done.
I joined the PTA (same thing as your PTO) because I want to be involved in my son’s school. Trust me – they may look like they have it all figured out but it’s A LIE! 🙂 I swear those women are just as neurotic as I am, just about different topics.
I guess what I’m saying is, don’t compare their highlights reel to your REAL everyday life. Most of us are barely treading water. I’d say that I feel like I’ve really rocked it, hmmm, maybe a couple days a month. I just keep swimmin’!
Oh sweetie. We’re all fucked up, one way or another. Not sure if that makes you feel better or worse but as a school teacher, I rarely get to write “fucked up” on the internet and now I feel all bad ass. So thanks for that…and your hilarious book…and your hilarious/heart-wrenching blog.
Do you remember Lt. Tasha Yar from Star Trek Next Generation? Remember how she died? She got near that black pool stuff and it attacked her. It sucked her in. She couldn’t get free of it. THAT is how I picture depression. It creates a black film on all your thoughts so that none of them can me happy. Maybe its more like the dementors in Harry Potter. The important thing is, is that it is a black hole which can never be completely fed! You throw in your successes and it is never satisfied… it is always hungry for more and makes you feel as if you didn’t do anything. You keep trying to do bigger things and it just makes the pool hungrier. It makes you discount everything that you do and not count any of your blessings, like that you have a fantastic husband, you are earning a living despite all your illnesses, you can kiss your healthy daughter goodnight in a safe home every night. The black pool makes you feel guilty about not counting your blessings! How crappy is that? How to fill in the hole? It is hard, especially when it has grown from eating small things like you messing up on a test or saying the wrong thing, to what it is doing now which is eating the positive love and support that is pouring to you – yes, you, Bloggess! – from all over the world through your blog, your book and your other writing and appearances. That is one huge appetite! Even worse it is eating all the love and support that your husband and child, and extended family give to you, which is more potent and pure than all the rest combined. So how do you do it? You become too busy to hear the voice of hunger until it shrinks down to something controllable. Suggestions are: A. exercise with your family, to build up the seratonins in your body, to do something healthy that is family oriented and good for all of you, and to make you feel better about yourself and your self-image (when you are dying for breath and your muscles are working you can’t entertain sad thoughts). B. Volunteer somewhere, where you are important to the success of someone else. Make it people or else you’ll come home with puppies! C. Stop envying what others may look like… those mothers with clean hair, diamond earrings and plenty of time to do that godawful PTA stuff are usuallly making busy work for themselves because they have no other work. They keep horribly busy so that they look as if they have a purpose, and it keeps their black pool at bay. It also is a power/competative thing for most of them. Yuck! Feel sorry for them that they have no deeply satisfying jobs or hobbies or whatever that they have so much time to organize gift wrap sales. That is their role… you don’t need to take away their occupation… they won’t thank you or like you for it. You have other far more interesting things to do (yes, you do!). It is hard to be unique; the mind-washing of all those magazines with their perfect livingrooms, the models with their perfect figures, that is all glamour, just like the fairies in books conjure up. It is all fake. An empty desk is the sign of an empty mind. A perfectly tidy house is the sign of either weath that can afford a live-in-housekeeper, and/or someone with too much time on her hands. D. Give yourself a break. You fight monsters every day and you are at the numb/exhaustion point. Decide not to write a second book. Sigh with relief. Get yourself off the hook. You can still write one, or six, but don’t make it a weight over your head. Free yourself of guilt for a day and take a breather. E. Get outside and garden or take a walk with your family. Woods nearby? A lake? Take a wildlife guidebook and try to identify the birds and insects that you see. See how many birds you can find. Give your mind a break and learn something new. Hey, above all, don’t be like stupid Lt. Yar and give up your career by letting the black pool suck you down. She went on to what… Red Shoe Diaries and then oblivion! That’s what the black pool will do to you… horrible. Realize that it will eat all your goodness and decide to keep all that love and support and positive feelings for yourself, and no matter how it howls, you arent’ going to feed it. Love you!
I also fail at failing. I often feel life is passing me by and I’ve done nothing. I have my bachelors degree in education but I don’t use it. After trying multiple schools I found there there is one thing that makes teaching unbearable, and that is the school administration. I let my certification expire because there isn’t enough money in the world that would make it worth going back. I now work in a call center for a mortgage company, which isn’t nearly as stressful. I see my former classmates who are working on their Phd’s or are in medical school or have successful jobs in engineering or programming, yet its all I can do to be a peon on the call center floor. I have medical issues: fibromyalgia, endometriosis, migraines, IBS, depression, anxiety… all of which make it impossible for me to do the normal things that everyone else can do. If I’m lucky, I have enough energy to go to the grocery store or to get the mail from the mailbox. Forget going to the gym or out with co-workers, I’d be exhausted for a week after if I even tried. Yet none of my issues interfere significantly enough in my life to have me qualify for disability. I’ve gained over 100 lbs since college and I hate when doctors tell me to exercise. Exercising is not the solution and it makes my fibro even worse. I know part of the problem but because it doesn’t fit neatly in a medical check box, my doctors wont listen. I’ve spent the last 5 years looking for a doctor who will work with me and hear what I have to say rather than rushing ahead due to preconceived notions but I haven’t had luck so far. My only real friend is my husband and I’m constantly afraid he will leave for someone who doesn’t have so many issues. I’d love to have more friends, but so few can or will work within my limitations and I feel guilty for not being able to do more.
People generally consider me pretty put together (except wardrobe wise) /on the ball, or so they tell me. And yeah, I wonder how I fooled them, cause I normally don’t feel it. Maybe 5-7 days/month. And I don’t have depression or anything. As for put together, I recently went two weeks with no sheets on my bed. My favorite work shorts have a safety pin where there should be a button (all summer). This morning my shirt and shorts were still damp from the dryer when I left for work (late). I still pick clothes up off the floor and sniff test them some days when I am out of clean stuff. So I guess I wonder about the put together people and the little things they don’t have put together, cause it somehow makes me feel better.
“… I accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing.”
the truth is, nothing is required of you above and beyond getting through each moment as best as you can. it took me a loooong time to realize that. takes a lot of the pressure off. sometimes we screw up, sometimes we kill it (in a good way, that is!). usually we just get through without even noticing.
I feel much the same way you do most of the time, Jenny. I have depression & anxiety &, I’d suspect, a form of PTSD after going through 3 1/2 years of hell from shit my grandma, uncle, & dad did. (The last isn’t diagnosed yet, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised to hear it from my new therapist.) I struggle with writer’s block as well–mostly when I try to write about what happened in the last 6 months I was there. I have a half dozen drafts in my WordPress dashboard all on the same topic that I haven’t been able to finish.
I don’t feel great most days. In fact, there are days when I wish I could just sleep my life away, or do it for a couple years…then I’d wake up with my AAS degree in medical billing & a good job with bosses that don’t treat me like shit.
I think the PTA people are impostors. There is no way their life can look so nice on the outside. I suspect a lot of people do what I do: put on a smile & pretend nothing’s wrong when everything IS going wrong. It’s a defense/coping mechanism. Maybe they’re hiding a hoarding problem at home or something.
There are days when my biggest accomplishment, literally, IS going to the bank. Now that I’ve started school for my AAS degree, I feel like I kicked ass & took names every time I get my grades back from my assignments (about 2x/week). If it weren’t for that, I’d be in your boat–feeling fucking GOOD 3-4 times/month.
I feel the worst when I wake up crying & mentally asking, “WHY?” When I talk about what happened & how it keeps making me shake so badly because I still get scared. When it takes me 5 days to pull myself out of the rabbit hole each time I talk about it to an extent that I send myself back down it. When I have no one to turn to except my best friend & my therapist because I have no one else willing to listen to my shit. When I think of how much I’ve lost through no fault of my own because that side of the family is fucking SICK as hell. & I feel worst when I remember how I used to be, & see the damage it’s done to me now.
The thing that keeps me going is that I just HAVE to believe that there’s a way to get the former me back. If I end up doing half the chores on my to do list, I feel successful. I feel successful if I only get to one, because that means one less chore I have to do.
I hope this helps in some way, Jenny. It doesn’t feel like I am.
I totally, completely get where you’re coming from and here’s the thing: I feel this way most often when I’m not working at a job away from my home. Please don’t think I’m making any sort of comment on working from home or staying at home–I truly think we all need to do whatever tickles our pickle. Just personally, I find that I feel most accomplished walking through my front door at the end of a work day. You know the saying, “if you want something done, give it to a busy person”? It really rings true for me. I accomplish way more, even on a personal level, when I’m having a productive work week. Also, being at home too often makes me get lost inside my own head and I go nuts.
Maybe there’s a local museum or library that needs a volunteer? Or someplace that you’d like an emoloyee discount? I have a friend that helps out at a vet’s office and LOVES it (especially since she’s way less keen on people). I’m really, really rooting for you.
What can I say that hasn’t already been said (but I want to help YOU if I can, since sometimes you are my main source of giggles).
You are amazing & bring so much joy to so many – and if we could give you the ability to appreciate yourself through our eyes, just for a minute, I know any one of us would do that!
So you got nothing ‘productive’ done one day (or one week)…it is really OK. Did you smile at your husband? Did you hug your kid? Were you intentionally not an *ssh0le to someone who probably totally deserved it? ~WIN~!
MOST people only present the shiny sides of themselves to the public, and why not? I am not pretending to be perfect when I decide not to tell people that I scrubbed the toilet (or avoided doing so), yelled at my son, or am doing my homework. That stuff is NOT interesting!
(You are NOT a phony when you discriminate, its a public service 😉
My only advice? Be kind to yourself whenever you’re able to be. Avoid as much negativity as you can (this includes self-talk), tell the disparaging voices to sit down and shut up, and take joy however/whenever/wherever it comes, without feeling guilty about it.
However much you can love someone you only met once (at a book signing), I love you that much times infinity!
I feel like a successful human maybe 8 days a month. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I feel like a failure the other 22 – it’s more of a blah feeling mixed with a hint of regret. I should have done laundry today. Adults do laundry. I should have cleaned the kitchen. Adults have clean kitchens. I would say that part of it stems from owning my first house, being in my 2nd year of marriage, and being pregnant for the first time all within a three year span but I can’t really remember ever feeling different – if anything it has improved slightly with age. I love my job so that is where most of my good days come from. I would definitely say that you are not alone.
It’s not just you. I think it’s a female thing. I rarely feel like I’m doing something really amazing, although I am starting to realize after my 2nd baby was born that just doing the basics is being successful.
I work full time, because we couldn’t survive if I didn’t. I can’t compete with the Parenting Is A Competitive Sport folks. I can’t volunteer in the classroom. I can’t show up for a last minute party to celebrate some relatively insignificant milestone. We switched schools because the last one was Cliques in Kindergarten AND THAT IS NOT OK. Our new school is much more chill, but I still can’t help. My kid goes to before AND after care. Some days I walk to her school after work for my exercise (I have found I MUST exercise to keep away the depression) and if I go straight there, pick her up and go straight home we can get there before 6:00. Then there is dinner, homework, bathing and bedtime. 5 days a week I feel like I have provided her with the basic necessities that a parent should, but have not enriched her existence at all. And that is a pretty shitty thing to feel. On the days that I actually hit the gym then walk or if we have an errand, or I go to the chiropractor (yea sciatica!) we don’t get home until 6:30. I try desperately to give her opportunities like Girl Scouts, but can’t bring myself to let her join something that requires 3x a week attendance like soccer because it is already stressful enough with GS every other week.
All that said, I feel awesomely successful maybe 3 days a month. The days where I feel like I’ve gotten chores done and the house still looks like it 5 hours later. The days where I can check off 10 things from the 4 month old to-do list. Sometimes it is just taking the day off and rewarding myself for making it through all the other crap relatively unscathed, and not feeling guilty for taking the day off of life. I was a single mother for 4 years, and have a wonderful husband now, but he still doesn’t grasp all the stuff that has to get done (and he doesn’t drive so I HAVE to do it all). Most of the time I just sit on the couch after I’ve tucked the child in and exhale thinking, I made it another day.
Depression, here, and most of my days aren’t great. Thanks for sharing.
Jenny, you are my hero. I was in awe when I found a blog belonging to a woman who could voice so many of my own thoughts. I am 50 years old and most of those years have been spent believing that if people knew the “real me” they wouldn’t like me. I never did the PTA when my children were in school. I was doing good if I made it a parent/teacher or school play. If I had someone else to send to those, I probably would have. I have a room full of craft and sewing projects I haven’t finished. I force myself to go to work 4 hours a day, I can’t handle more than that. You are not alone.
the big secret: nobody really does anything spectacular most of the time. our online lives are hand selected snippets of our best selves and moments. (case in point: it took me 30 minutes to edit down this dumb comment just so it would read exactly how i wanted it to)
UNSTRUCTURED TIME is sorta dangerous for people like us (anxiety/depressive). truly. i don’t work in the summer and while all the other teachers are frolicking around doing who the hell knows what, i enjoy the first 2 weeks and then it becomes a burden to stay productive at life. I feel shame and embarrassment because i’m positive i’m somehow wasting all this time that other people would pay to have.
things i’ve done that help (even if at first it was like torture and can still sometimes feel like i’m a big fake): staying busy on a schedule. fill your calendar with everything from the mundane to the unique. enroll in some kind of class (online or not) just so you have a syllabus to follow for at least a little bit of your life. plan to spend time with or call a friend once a week. sorry if this sounds like bullshit but some of these things might stick and feel authentically like “life is happening.”
You are not alone. I often feel this way……out of place, uncomfortable, awkward and the list goes on. I have been trying to figure things out like solving a puzzle and hope that one day I will figure it out. What bums me out sometimes is when I look back at my life…..it’s always kind of been this way for me and for my siblings and parents. I kind of sum most of it up to my gene pool……it’s not the worst gene pool but not the best either. I’m always feeling like I’m viewing things through a window. I’m on one side and everyone else is on the other. When I really get down I call my mom and we bitch talk for a long time until we both feel a tiny bit better or are just exhausted from all the whining, complaining, not understanding why things are the way they are. The things I’ve been doing lately to make me feel better are to respond to this online journal (happyrambles.com) almost every night to remind myself that there are some good things in life….usually it’s my kids sometimes its just things like macaroni & cheese. Another thing I’m doing is running. At first, I just started walking on a treadmill and then it just gradually progressed to running. Even if I’m grumpy and don’t feel like running if I do it I usually feel a lot better. And last, I keep putting myself out there and trying to be social with people and make new friends…..it’s a slow go but I keep working on it. One more last, when I look at people I try to smile it usually makes me feel better…..even if they see me as the crazy smiling woman. As you are, I’m a work in
progress and keep telling myself to keep searching…..5-6 days of the month are probably pretty good, other days just average with maybe 10 or so super sucky days. Reading your post and all the others that people have contributed have given me so much comfort and remind me that I am not alone. So thank you for doing this – You did a great thing today – you made me and so many others feel less alone.
You aren’t what you do – you are what you are inside. You can only climb one mountain at a time, so pick one thing and relentlessly keep after it until you win. And you will win. Depressed? Tell yourself – I am thankful for everything I have. Every 3 seconds if you have to for a year if you have to. It’s all about retraining your thought patterns. They can be trained in the negative or the positive. When you get a handle on that, pick something else and relentlessly pursue it. Each win becomes a little easier than the last one.
You just described me!!!! I feel “real” about 7 days a month. I am 46, in the middle of trying to find out what the fuck is wrong with my thyroid, have anxiety up the ass, am on Zoloft (thank god) for depression and at least once a day I feel like standing in the middle of town and shooting people (clearly my hormones are all out of wack and this is another thing I am looking at). So… my advice to you, as well as myself, is to get up out of bed EVERYDAY and do just one thing that you think needs to be done. Rejoice in the fact that you did it! Baby steps. Give yourself a break. Stop telling yourself bad things- the voices in your head are just that random voices and they should be ignored. I call my voice the “I should lady” and I really, really hate her. Life sucks and if all you can do right now is just “survive” then that’s all you need to do. Go get your hormones checked as well as a scan on your thyroid- mine works perfectly but still has nodules on it- so a scan was needed. I also am beginning to do Yoga and that does calm me down for a bit- my husband wants me to be more bendy! Ha Ha. Anyway, stop beating yourself up! You are clearly not alone.
1500+ comments now. I think it’s safe to say that NO ONE has their shit together. When I get on a roll and get things accomplished at work, it leaves me too tired to focus on things at home. If home has been requiring my attention, things fall through the cracks at work. I internalize the worst of everything everyone says to me, and ignore the best because it can’t possibly be true. In short, it’s not just you. I guess we’re all just better at faking it than we think we are.
1. remember…depression lies
2. stop at the “but”. “I’m good and this, but…” nothing helpful happens after the “but”.
I don’t have mental illness and I feel like this regularly. Like I can only manage to get 2 out of 3 aspects of my life together at the same time. I felt like a failure until I change how I measured my success. Now I’m all, “I got 2 things right!” I got breakfast into my kid AND delivered her to school on time – not even 8:30 and I can now count the day as won. To stay sane, the standard of my success has to change everyday to fit the day.
We are all just piecemealing it together the best we can. Sometimes flat ironed hair hides that she’s had cereal for all of her meals for a week because the hair is the only thing she can get together. Sometimes the mess of a bedhead is the only thing to show that she’s helped her crazy smart kid with her homework and packed her lunch for school. Looks can be deceiving and mental illness or not, we all have our burdens and demons to bear.
This post, your crippling honesty really resonated with me. I think these fears and negative-isms, are part of the cult of adulthood. Like somehow our skewed 20/20 hindsight shows our parents as having it together – they didn’t. Or Hollywood shows that even the desperate housewife’s have it together – they don’t. Or that even Caroline Engels had her shit together – she still struggled.
We are in this together and there is no one right way to survive it, except together.
You are not alone. Sigh.
When I drop off our almost 4 year old to preschool, see the mom w/the hair actually styled, no roots, in her gym outfit with full make-up and I’m happy if I got a shower and some make-up on, forget my hair, that’s when it hits me the hardest. I wonder how can she do it? How does she do it with 3 kids and I have 2? I bet she makes those amazing recipes on Pinterest while her house is professionally designed and always clean and in order, filled with home made crafts by her kids. How come I suck and have parts of me that are squishy w/no make-up, I dread the homemade crafts w/an almost 2 and 4 year old and I don’t even work full-time? I try to remember it doesn’t matter. You never know what really goes on behind closed doors of those that seem to look or be so perfect. I try to listen to my husband who tells me it’s most important that we’re happy, healthy…blah, blah, blah. I tell myself that, but still wonder, “how the hell does she get it all done”? I think about how my feeling this way can send a message to my daughters, that you must look perfect and nothing less. That helps, but I still feel pretty much like I’m failing somewhere more than not. You’re normal, well, for those of us that feel crappy. If there’s a pill for this condition, let me know and I’m taking it.
Ah girly, you are not nearly as alone as you think you are! From the outside looking in, I am a very successful woman – well known in my field of child welfare, raised two great kids – one a nurse and one an Eagle Scout, 4H and Scout leader for decades. My husband knows that my biggest fear is that someday everyone will figure out what a big fraud I am because I can’t do all of those very things that you list. Pinterest is a great way to get ideas but it is a LIE!!! People do not live that way because if they lived that way they wouldn’t have time to be on Pinterest or Facebook for that matter. We are a consumer driven society and marketing people are in charge of our happiness in so many ways. Neither you nor your family need all of those things. Your children and your husband need you – plain and simple. Back to your questions: How many days do I feel successful in a month? I think you would be better to ask me how many of those days do I feel like I have in a year? and it is all subjective – those looking at my life from the outside would tell you that I have about 25 days per month where I am a success in a bad month. I smile and nod because I don’t know that I feel that way in a year. What makes me feel worse? choosing to attempt to be that perfect mom and blowing it when in reality, my family is happy with those little moments of imperfection that they can laugh at/with. for example? planning the “perfect” vacation in a rental home in the Ozarks that looked great in pics but turned out to be something straight from Deliverance. I saw it as my greatest failure at the time but it has been one of their favorite stories to tell in the years since…. it took me awhile to see the humor of it! 🙂 How to feel more successful? get rid of those things that tell you that you aren’t good enough without [fill in the blank]. We do not have network or cable TV (we only watch DVDs, Netflix, things with no advertising). I spend a lot of time outdoors appreciating nature and relaxing away from the rat race. I pay attention to my diet – really I do feel worse when I eat a lot of sugar, refined flour and totally got rid of artificial sweeteners. If I don’t recognize an ingredient, my body won’t either. I love the journey that we are all on though it is a very hard one. I have been where you are – getting out of bed only because I had children – I am farther on that journey and you will get there as well. It is a long journey, a hard one, but oh so worth it. You are doing well -you can see it in your child’s eyes.
I have been reading your blog for a while now, and I have never commented. I read this post even though I totally am in your “here for the humor audience.” I felt like I had to comment. I don’t have depression/anxiety/add/or anything other than maybe a weird sense of humor. Admittedly, I hardly understand depression. I think you have taught me more about it and I understand more now. So perhaps this won’t make sense to you, but the way i see it is, you aren’t a failure until you give up. You may not be the star of PTA and maybe you wait to help you daughter on one day a week, the point is that you do it. Who cares about what others are doing and how great they are and how you don’t do half of that. You do stuff many never will. I will never write a book. And you know what, I think it is SUPER cool to have a book, but honestly I don’t WANT to have to write one deep down… And I am okay with that.. I’m not a failure, I’m just not a writer. I will never convince my husband we need a million dressed up dead animals. The real point is you are still going. Still living. That is a success, not a failure! Plus, you have, like, a cult following. 🙂
I feel like a failure every day. We’re broke because I stopped working because my graves’ disease came back. That was over a year and a half ago and even though I was fine a year or so ago, I still didn’t work. Instead, I got pregnant and got my husband’s hopes way up before miscarrying. It didn’t help that my body dragged that shit out for over a month before the doctors went in and sucked out that zombie zygote once and for all. When I finally recovered from that, I applied to over a hundred jobs, under me, over me, and exact fits for my qualifications, and I got nothing. And then my husband lost his job too and we had to live off of $4 for four months. Now our house is on the market.
He got a new job, but it sucks and he feels like he has to do it because we have no money and every day that I drive him to the train, I feel like a failure of a wife and like I’m failing at life.
But you know what? The people who seem like they’re not failing just *seem* that way. They stay busy even if they don’t have to be because they don’t know what it’s like to stress your way to a chronic disease. They don’t know (yet) that they’re not invincible. So fuck ’em. My husband loves me and our house is still filled with laughter and love in spite of everything we’ve had to deal with and *that* has to be come our definition of success because all that other garbage just doesn’t fit.
By my definition, you’re successful. If anything, you’re a friend to hundreds of thousands of people and that’s more than I can say for the PTA moms I know who don’t get along with anybody.
I’m sorry you’re feeling like that right now. I haven’t read all 1,000 comments so I don’t know if I’m repeating, but I used to feel like that. I found what works for me, which is a combination of therapy, cutting asshole family members out of my life ( being on meds and serious therapy while I cut out the assholes and dealt with the fallout from that – I’m now the black sheep of my family of origin), and lots of vitamin D3. For me the vitamin D3 is a biggie and I’m on way higher than the recommended dose, but I do feel the difference when I go on less.
This doesn’t mean it will work for you but for me, when I have more bad days than good, I now realize I have to change something. usually up the D3 (because I take less in the summer and then by the end of august I start feeling down too often so I up it again). And recently my mother got some of my inlaws to join in against me and I had to deal with that shit. Thankfully, my husband said “fuck ’em” (referring to my family and HIS both) and that both made me laugh and helped me deal with it.
But I did have to add some meditation in during that time. Which I should really keep up but I know I won’t because I’m like that. I do what works til I feel I don’t need it then I drop it and wonder why I don’t feel good anymore, lol! But yeah, I know me now, so I’ll figure it out 🙂
But yeah, if I have more than a few bad days in a row I change something. At this point in my life I have a much better handle on it. For me. I’m an expert on *my* depression and anxiety and really feel like I know what to do now.
Good luck!
Not sure if it helps. It will probably be buried. That’s life.
I am learning a lot from various Internet blogs, and let me tell you about my imposter syndrome. I am a father of 23 years, a husband of 24 years, completely reinvented myself from a gothy male version of Daria (complete with jaded best friend) to the rather cheerful and inspirational person I am today. Who also thinks he sucks, and no matter what he does, he is forced to spend time belittling it and claiming it’s not REALLY an accomplishment. So I work really hard all the time trying to better myself until the tiny fish tank tubing that holds my brain parts in bursts and I do as you do (or Allie Brosh does), and sit around and be useless for (what I consider) unacceptable periods of time.
I can’t rest. Rest is like stopping to run when self-hatred and loathing are after you like a wolf. I have so many wolf bites and claw scars on me, you’d think I never bothered to run and have the kind of lurid and scandalous affair with a wolf that leaves such marks, and I am forced to tell the social workers, “Him not mean it; him love me. Sometimes him get’s mad, that’s all. It’s my fault I bleed too much.”
This blog is full of comments I’d make, like it’s not your fault, you’re actually an accomplished and interesting person, and we apparently both know some of the same people: Lee Moyer and his assistant told me about the wolf skin (?) your loaned them for a photo shoot… I have the calendar in my kitchen. But I digress.
So let me not repeat what you already blocked out as “They don’t know how USELESS I really am; I wasn’t fishing for compliments because I don’t deserve them…” and tell you about how you became an adult, even though you don’t FEEL like it.
“I’m sorry, what?” You ask. “I never said that.” Yeah you did, inside. I know our type. Let me tell you about the Ship of Theseus. No, not the thing you have a stuffed squirrel paddling in with an oar. Although we’re all a little nuts.
HAH! I make funny. Now I have to clean it up.
According to Plutarch’s “Life of Theseus,” a book about the founder of Athens and slayer of the famous Minotaur, the ship Theseus used on his return from Crete to Athens was kept in the Athenian harbor as a memorial for several centuries. This was a large ship: 30 oars long, which is a poor way to describe length unless you have rowed such a galley in your lifetime, which maybe you have, and skipped that chapter because Texas was never known for it’s master shipbuilders. What made it worse was *every year*, in return for Theseus’s successful mission, the Athenians had pledged to honour Apollo every year henceforth. Thus, the Athenians sent a religious mission to the island of Delos (one of Apollo’s most sacred sanctuaries) on the Athenian state galley, using the ship itself, to pay their fealty to the god.
So this huge ship was preserved by the Athenians for these purposes. A ship requires a lot of care, and an active ship even more so. It gets wear at tear from the weather, barnacles, seagull poop, bums sleeping in the hull, and rats gnawing on the ropes. So they took away the old planks as they decayed, putting in new and stronger timber in their place.
At this point you glazed over. Sorry, the point here was they replaced worn parts over the years. Oars, planks, the mast, and changed out a fresh set of bums and rats. For hundreds of years.
A few hundred years later, was it still the original “Ship of Theseus” if *everything* had been replaced bit by bit like owning a De Soto? Yes? No? Can I go to the bathroom, teach, my bladder’s full?
That’s what adulthood is like. You replaced bits of your childhood here and there, and replaced them small nuggets at a time with adulthood. So you still think you’re the original girl who grew up with “Dad and his Roadkill Puppet Theater,” but another kid thinks you’re a grownup because they haven’t seen what you have over that period of time. You replaced your childhood with experience.
That’s why no one thinks they are a grown up, *especially* smart and introspective people who don’t drift through life and accept everything as “that’s how it is.”
That blew my mind. I still feel like some 17 year old who broke into an adult party and somehow got trusted with a mortgage. I am turning 45 in a few months. What the hell? Someone is going to find out this whole charade and send me to my room at any moment.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theseus#Ship_of_Theseus
When you write about real life like this it always feels like I could have written it except that you’re more accomplished than I am. (And I know, I know, if *I* wrote one and you read it, you’d probably feel the same way.)
But no, you are not alone. I suffer from anxiety and a bipolar disorder and the voices in my head probably get together for tea with the voices in yours to talk about how much we suck. I don’t know how to fix it, but do know that you’re not alone.
To answer your question, I feel like I kick ass almost every day. But, I don’t suffer with depression. You do suffer with depression and I feel the need to remind you that depression lies to you, so don’t believe that you’re so worthless. It’s not true. Hang in there.
I do not suffer from depression or anxiety, and I can assure you that I rarely feel like I’m accomplishing much with my life. I have a beautiful daughter, and a full-time job but I still could look at my day every night before bed and struggle to come up with anything meaningful I did that day. I feel ‘useful’ about 3-4 days a month as well. You are not alone!
A quote I like and am totally just had to look up so I don’t butcher it is this: “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
Also I’m not wearing any make-up today, my tights are giving me a total camel-toe and I totally busted ass on a scooter at work yesterday — but don’t worry, I broke my fall with my face and only one guy saw my asscheeks.
I can relate, sentence by sentence. (except the having a book part.)
And I fucking hate picnics too. I just blogged about it.
You are not alone, sounds cliched but it’s true, I know it to be true.
How do we change or feel better? I go into this grateful zone my H puts
me in, I go over and over what I am totally grateful for and I swear
it lifts… even if it’s temporary it lifts. I don’t want to be a PTA mom, I hate
wrapping paper and keeping up and being pastel.. worst colors. So please,
know you may do a few days of good, in the bad days, there is something
there, something grateful, something funny and sometimes something good
I keep that in my head all the time.
Keep on.
xo
Jenny, one of the things I most admire about you is your honesty about who you are and how your brain works. You inspire me to be more honest about myself. So here goes…
I was just thinking this morning, “People who have their lives together kind of freak me out. Like…how do they do it? And is that something I really want to do?” I’m 43 years old and I have never felt like I was a “real adult.” Every time I’ve gone to my daughter’s school for conferences or a band performance or whatever, I feel like I’m more like the students (impulsive, an emotional rollercoaster, easily distracted and confused) than the teachers or other parents. I feel like any minute, the adults will realize I’m not really one of them and turn on me. Every time I pay a bill, take care of a parking ticket, pay off some credit card debt, I want to give myself a gold star for successfully acting like an adult. I know I’m good at parts of my job as a librarian, but I also know I suck at responsibility and finishing things on time (or at all), so I constantly worry that my coworkers will get sick of me and my supervisors will fire my ass.
I’m cyclothymic and ADHD. I grew up with father who constantly pushed me to get things done and be a “realistic adult.” I grew up with teachers who always told my parents “Josh is smart and creative, but he needs to apply himself more.” I’ve worked with supervisors who told me I was good with people but needed to be better at not getting distracted, at getting my “real work” done. I want to write, but my self-doubt and anxieties about producing things too often stops me from actually writing anything. (I’m working on that one A LOT.) I feel like such a phony–a phony librarian, a phony writer, a phony adult, a phony romantic partner.
Thank goodness for meds and therapy! They’re helping me feel more confident, more consistently “up.” And I’m working on the self-esteem and self-respect.
Thank you for sharing and for encouraging us to share.
You definitely have more of an uphill battle than most, but it’s not weird to feel like you’ve accomplished nothing and are a fraud.
I feel this way all the time. I often have complete sobbing breakdowns for hours on end. And I was once on top, so I think someone who was at the top of her HS class, graduates with honors from college, I should be at the top of my career. Nope. I’m floundering in my mid thirties. And you’d think well, I have that family I’ve always wanted. Nope. Divorced. Failed at marriage. No kids. And talk about feeling like you’ve failed at life when you’re the only uartows childless person at your bff’s kids first birthday party.
In reality I know I have accomished much, but too often it’s crippled by these horrible doubts about myself. I’m also sure eventually everyone will hate me. I try so hard to be a good person, but I’m sure I’m going to do something stupid to make them hate me.
So, yeah, even if you don’t have all sorts of diagnosed mental illnesses us “normal” people have these doubts too.
I would have to add up hours, because I rarely have whole days.
In all truth, I think this is completely normal in our society. We are force fed the illusion of perfect/normal through media and by the illusion of others we interact with. My experience with the shiny-PTA-type people has told me I don’t want to be one of them. And guess what, my kids are healthy, smart, well-adjusted, yada yada. And no one has suffered because I haven’t colored my hair, or don’t have seasonal scented candles, or the latest SUV. We’re doing just fine, TYVM.
I read you regularly but I don’t usually comment. I’m commenting now because I think you might need me to. It is not just you. You are a wonderful, unique person, Jenny. Stop comparing your shit to anybody else’s shit. Because we ALL have shit. Some of us hide it well, others wear our shit on our sleeves. All of the wonderful, successful people who are kicking life’s ass you mentioned? Yeah, they have shit too. They have self-doubt and unproductiveness and all kinds of other shit, just like you. I have shit, too.
I still have my moments of paralyzing fear that I am completely worthless and failing at life but for no apparent reason I’ve reached a point where those moments are generally outweighed by moments where I feel like I might not be a rock star but I’m doing okay. Sometimes those feelings of “I’m ok” accompany days where I managed to get out of bed, wash three or more dishes in the sink, and then stumble back to bed. I don’t have any chronic physical illnesses to excuse my lack of doing thing 1 but that’s ok. Sometimes my “I’m ok” days actually look productive and like “success” to the outside world even. Either way, I’m just proud of feeling like I’m doing ok. I hope you can get there, too.
There are not enough hours in the day to make me feel like I’ve accomplished even half of what I would like to accomplish in a day.
However, I have learned (over a very long time) to appreciate compliments as what other perceive about me (whether or not I believe they are true) and to take them at face value. I think this is important.
Secondly, I’m a very practical person, so even though I recognize that I’m not accomplishing anything I wanted to, I realize that MOST people feel the same way (see the other thousand comments to this post).
Thirdly, I think you should consider making people smile and laugh an accomplishment and know that you do it quite often (see the thousands of other comments on all your posts).
Fourthly, there are too many points in this response. Switching to P.S.
P.S. My favorite days are spent entirely in my bedroom. Watching Doctor Who. I call that a success!
I heard a good quote somewhere that says something like ‘You’re seeing their highlights reel – not their negatives” (that doesn’t sound right – so I hope you know what I mean). I feel the same way sometimes, so – no, you’re not alone. HUGS!
Happy to see someone else does lovingkindness meditation; it helps me a lot b/c I have no family or friends that I see regularly, and being easily undone by everything (or nothing) makes me really paranoid. Trying to not be mad at people and extend the circle outward helps. I’m not Catholic or Christian but I also say the rosary because it’s repetitive and soothing (and embarrassing, I just realized while typing). I have a PC now by my old Mac laptop had a Sticky Note function–I put mental stickynotes on things now to try and disarm my negativity. Like, UPS is hugely late bringing me books for review, which means I have time on my hands alone, which, well, “arsonistic” is a nice point of reference. So when the truck passes by without stopping I immediately stickied myself a list of things to do so I don’t start eating my own hand (do origami, fill bird feeders, eat someone else’s hand). None of it is perfect, and I always feel two breaths away from drowning, but I haven’t yet. Love and best wishes to you–you are definitely not alone.
Some days I feel productive if I made it to all my classes, practiced for the amount of time I needed to, went to a rehearsal and interacted in a smiling way with others. Some days I have it all together enough for all of those things.
Other days it’s, “Well done, I made it out of bed and did not immediately get back in.”
And I think both of those types of days are fine to pat myself on the back over.
One of the (many) reasons I love this blog is it tells me that ‘success’ can be a messy life, it can be not knowing what to say, it can be doing the wrong thing. That’s all OK.
So, thank you for that.
I feel like a fake a lot of the time. The people who think I’m a good person and have it together have no idea how I struggle with my self-esteem, with that persistent feeling of failure especially with 13 months of unemployment behind me and uncertainty ahead. I have perhaps a handful of days where I feel really productive and happy with my day. Most of the time the majority of my to-do list rolls to the next day, a not so lovely reminder of what I’m not doing. Throw in the issues with my weight, peri-menopause and an extra 8 family members living with us because of their own financial struggles and daily living is interesting.
I read you because I *get* you and this is where my tribe lives.
No, man, it’s not just you. I’m actually pretty sure it’s most of us. I know DAMN well it’s me.
I tend to go in cycles. I’ll be all productivity!girl for a few days, and then I’ll run into some obstacle — it doesn’t even have to be all that big of an obstacle, and stall out for the next two weeks over it.
And no matter *how* much I get done, there’s always more, and I always, always feel like what I’ve done isn’t enough. I told somebody once that the inside of my head is like a room full of alarm clocks, and they’re all going off at the same time.
My house gets cleaned twice a year whether it needs it or not. *g*
And honestly, I don’t know anybody who’s not like this — at least among my women friends, who are the ones who talk about it. And I know a shitload of people: poets, novelists, musicians, scientists, programmers, business types, lawyers, receptionists, students, full-time moms… I *really*, for reals, honestly, do. not. know. anybody. who’s not like this.
It’s not just you.
Oh sweetie, it’s not you, it’s all of us! If I wash my hair twice a week it’s a miracle, usually I wear it down a few days then just wrap it in a semi bun with a scrunchie for the next 3 or 4 days.
Most people I know can’t and don’t do all the things you think they do, they just make it look easy and look good to everyone else!
You are so fucking awesome! Please know that everyone else thinks you’re awesome too! You think I could write a book? Ha! You think I could raise a kid or be financially responsible enough to buy a house? Um, no!
You rock Jenny!
You are definitely not alone. I think most people via Facebook, Twitter, online or TV only show their happy stuff. So it makes your sad stuff seem really, really bad.
When someone is going to come over for dinner, we clean our house, make “company” food, and put on good clothes. But if people really just showed their true selves we would be much better off. Today if someone came over they would find three weeks worth of mail on my dining room table, dishes in the sink, dinner is going to be french toast and bacon and I’m going to eat it in my robe. That hasn’t been washed in two weeks. And I have a sneaking suspicion that although they might judge me, secretly they know that their stuff is no better.
You aren’t alone. I realized the other day that it’s been a really long time since I have felt excited about something, and I was concerned that I don’t have any strong feelings about much that happens, good or bad. I just sort of exist right now. I know that I didn’t used to feel this way, but I don’t remember when things changed. I’m very grateful that you share not only the hilarious parts of your life, but the difficult parts too. You’re human, as are the rest of us.
I remember when I was a young mother and I looked around and saw that everyone else seemed to have their lives together and were able to do all of the things that I wanted to do, but couldn’t. My very wise husband took my hand one day when I was sad about it, looked into my eyes and said, “You are you, not Jeannette, and you are at different places in your lives. She has raised all of her children, you still have little guys at home. She can do all of these things because she has already gone through the stage you’re in right now.” It made so much sense to me and has really stuck with me over the years. We only see the face others put out to the public and we are comparing their outsides to our insides. Plus, we are tougher on ourselves than on anyone else. It’s a pretty unfair comparison, even if it is hard to be kind to ourselves.
All the best to you. Thanks for being who you are. Hugs!
This comic from the Oatmeal sums it all up for me. http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running
You are not alone and you are perfect. 🙂
So, I think that’s all very normal. I will get to the end of an entire month or even a year and say “what the fuck happened to the time and why do I have shit all to show for it.” The reality is that some days are hard. Some days, just getting out of bed, or getting the kid to school, or getting to my job is all I can do–there may or may not be jam on the peanut butter sandwich, I may or may not do little more than stare absently at my work computer.
I’ve been working hard at redefining “success” in my own life the past two years (post-divorce life affirmations as it were). And I think that what makes me happy or content or satisfied is very similar to what seems to make most people feel that way–and what that is is far different than the picture perfect people with their picture perfect lives that I’m sure if you scratch away with your fingernail at the photofinish, is really a hell of a lot of lipstick on a pig. How’s that for mixing metaphors?! I’m just so much more satisfied and less stressed about “not accomplishing anything” since I’ve decided I don’t have to make partner at my firm to be “successful”, I don’t need to be on the PTA or be room mom to be “successful” as a mom–or to have my kid be well-rounded and loved, I don’t have to call my mother every week if I don’t want to 🙂 to be a “good” daughter. I only get one life, I’m the author of what I choose to do or not do. If it feels good to do shit all–well, then, I’m going to do that for awhile.
I don’t feel all of the things you are feeling, probably at least partially because I have no real illusion of success to live up to, but I do feel unhappy a lot of the time and some of those things you mentioned I do feel frequently. I used to feel them more, I’m not sure exactly what I did to fix myself, but some of the things I’ve adopted that have helped me were as follows:
1)Mental discipline
This was the kind of thing I just had to click on. One day during a particularly bad year I imagined myself being headed towards total failure. I used to do that all the time, but this time I was faced with the reality, that if I didn’t do something fast, it truly could happen and all of a sudden I felt I HAD to do whatever I possibly could to make myself better. I signed up for counseling, but since I’d done that in the past and knew it hadn’t helped I had to try more than just counseling. I had to take responsibility for my own well being and I did. I’m not perfect now, but I look back at that and think that I am so much better.
What I did was kind of put myself on a mental diet. I periodically say, I am going to stop thinking about this today I can think about it another time, because I shouldn’t shut it out completely, but I will not think about it all the time. I will take some time to not think it, then I will take some time to think about what I can do about it, then later I can allow myself some time to just feel like crap, because sometimes I feel I just have to give into old habits, but I have to limit that. I found that when I put myself on a more strict mental schedule for a few months I could eventually relax without slipping into the depression I had been in. Three or four years later, I can’t say I haven’t screwed up, but I still feel better.
2) Lists
There are a couple of things I’ve done with lists and I find they are frequently helpful. I make lists about what to do and try to check stuff off it makes me feel all happy and successful when I can do this, though I have to admit this is something I’m not good at keeping up at all, because eventually I’m unhappy with my progress or just get lazy and don’t want to think about what I should be doing.
The other thing is something I discovered this year, I take my morning break at work (about 15 minutes) and I write in a gratitude journal. I try to fill a small page (like really it’s quite a small book maybe about 10 entries) with things to be grateful or happy about. This sounds stupid, but seriously it has really helped me through a terrible year. There is something about writing it down that makes me feel better, it makes me feel like it’s easier to cope. If I’m in a really bad mood I also write a quick summary of what things might be making me feel less grateful that day, then I move on and try to do it anyway. This I imagine could be converted into things you were happy you’d gotten done things that you were happy with yourself for. Personally I tend to add those in too, because I need those. Something to remember about this, is it’s fine to duplicate entries, it’s all about just taking that time to make yourself feel better and competent. It has worked wonders for me. I never would have imagined myself being a positive person and well…I’m not exactly, but I really can feel a much bigger change with this practice than I ever would have imagined.
3) stay curious
Okay maybe this isn’t related, but my councilor said it was what helped him and you know it sometimes helps me quite a bit. I suppose maybe it’s because if you are busy being curious about other things you have less time to think about depressing crap.
4) Picture yourself at your best
It’s so easy for me to picture myself at my worst, I do it all of the time, so I have to take time to actively picture myself at my best, a competent happy successful person etc at what I would be if I reached my full potential or even part of it. I find it helps combat my negativity sometimes.
This all probably seemed dumb and hallmarky, or some other such goofy thing, but you asked and you know what I’ve found also helps, is not being afraid to try something just to see if it works. I used to shut myself off to all sorts of things that seemed silly or like they wouldn’t work. Now I tend, more often to say okay lets do it for some set time and see if it’s worth continuing with so hey I might as well put it out there on the off chance some of this might help someone else.
Oh, sweetheart, please know that you are not alone. This is an everyday occurrence for me as well, and truthfully, I am neither depressed or suffer from anxiety.
I am continually looking at things around my house and thinking things like “We’ve lived here for 8 years, shouldn’t this (fill in the blank) have been done by now?”or ” (fill in family, friend, celebrity name here) would be mortified if they saw this, I know they don’t live this way.”
You’re human, and probably more so than most humans. Breathe and give yourself a break.
Hugs, prayers and good vibes to you!!
Sherry 🙂
F Scott Fitzgerald said, “Life for everyone is a struggle, sometimes magnificent from a distance, but always difficult and surprisingly simple and a little sad.”
One suggestion is stop playing the comparison game. If you compare yourself to what you see about people’s lives on Facebook or Pinterest, you’re really only seeing the highlights of someone else’s very normal life. They have just as many unattended dirty laundry baskets and dusty shelves as everyone else, but you have the courage to write about it and let people relate to you (which we are all grateful for), whereas most people do not. If you compare your life to someone else’s highlight real, of course your life will feel unaccomplished and lazy! I live on an island in South Korea where so many people love to hike and go to the beach, and sometimes I feel like a fat, lazy fuck because I don’t care about those things and I would rather sit and read and write. I feel like I should be ashamed for not taking advantage of all these beautiful things around here — but going hiking every day sounds TERRIBLE to me, so why the fuck do it? Why be jealous of what someone else likes to do, but you really don’t? Just start checking yourself when it comes to comparison games — in your mind, you’ll always lose. It’s not worth it.
I was misdiagnosed for so long about my “issues” as having anxiety and depression when really I was dealing with bipolar disorder. The meds they prescribed made things worse because they were all wrong, of course. I’ve had two psychotic breakdowns in my life. I spent a night in the hospital in my early 20’s because I OD’d on pills because I just wanted the panic and fear to stop. And then about a year ago, I had a breakdown that nearly cost me my family. I couldn’t get out of bed in the mornings or take care of my family properly and my favorite activity after my son went to bed was to smoke a big fat joint because that was all that relaxed me. Then as breakdowns normally go, shit hit the fan and I won’t go into the big details but it was pretty terrible. I may have this wrong or I’m being presumptuous but it seems that we deal with our issues similarly. We have our humor and sarcasm. The night I spent in the hospital, I was still able to joke around with the staff about nipple clamps. I can make the jokes and be the class clown but to be honest, I hate people… not really but it is so hard getting the gumption to be around others most of the time and I feel that I will never be comfortable with myself, let alone with others. After the first breakdown, I wound up volunteering at the closest animal shelter because humans bothered me so much. It helped because it gave me some sense of routine and animals don’t judge. After the most recent breakdown, I decided to take up cooking/baking because I felt useful and it made my family happy. My husband could take my baked goods to work and I was instantly adored by his coworkers without ever having to leave the house. Anyway, I’m not sure if any of this helps you or if I’m really just helping myself by procrastinating and having confessional time with complete strangers. I know you aren’t fishing, like you said but I have to say that when I read your book, I laughed so hard that I cried and sometimes that is the only way to get through my day… just have some damn thing to laugh at. Thank you for that.
This post sounds so much like me it’s scary. Especially “I accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing.” I feel that way often. I also have the tendency to compare myself to people who appear to have it together and have perfect lives. I know in my head that they have their own problems and maybe they’re just better at hiding it. But it’s hard to not let it make me feel bad anyway.
I have Bipolar Disorder, so my feelings about myself and how successful I am vary wildly from one month to another. So I don’t think I can give a “how many days per month” estimate. Some months I might not even have one day, others I might have several. Although the former is more common.
What makes me feel the worst is when I put too much pressure and too many expectations on myself and set myself up for failure, and then (surprise, surprise) fail to live up to them. Like when I start the day with a to-do list a mile long. Even if I get several things done, I still feel like a loser sometimes because I’m looking at all the things I *didn’t* get done.
One thing I have tried that has actually helped sometimes is this: Instead of making a to-do list, I make a “done” list. I mean, I pretty much know what needs to be done. I don’t need it written down to remind me to beat myself up if I don’t do it. Instead, I look for something to do, do it, and write it on the “done” list. Seeing a list of the things I’ve accomplished already makes me feel like my day was already a bit of a success, which actually motivates me to do some more things. At the end of the day, I have a whole list, and since I can see where my time went that day, I feel less like the day was wasted. It’s hard to get in the habit of doing this, though. I’ve only done it a few times, but it really does help me.
By the way, thanks for sharing honestly about how you feel. It’s always encouraging to me when I realize that I’m not the only one going through stuff like this!
sounds perfectly normal to me, at least for life in modern North America, and especially when one is smack in the middle of parenting.
i love this one line from the Dresden Dolls’ song, Good Day — “I took out the trash today and I’m on fire”. the song is about other things, muchly, i’d say, but some days just getting the trash taken out feels like SUCCESS.
I would give myself about 1-2 days a week I feel good. Usually on the good week when I get 2 days, I immediately begin to doubt why I feel good or that it will stick. I also have a head and heart filled with projects I want to get done, but there are always too many so no matter what I achieve I know there are more that didn’t get done, which is what the voices in my head focus on.
I’m trying to turn this around as well. I look for productivity apps for my phone and new ways to break up and write down all my passions. I am also finding ways to let some of them go (at least for now). Lastly, not to sound to redundant to your original post, I also suffer from anxiety and depression, so my medication helps keep that in check (hugely noticeable when I don’t take it).
One thing a day is not a bad goal, ever. Be proud of where you are and where you came from and the community you created here. I know that’s hard because compliments to me always feel like tiny darts of fakeness that I have to withstand with a strained smile, but one day I think all of us will learn to listen to them more honestly and take it in.
Yes, I feel this way exactly. And I’ve never been diagnosed with any mental illness, probably only because I’m too chicken/lazy to tell the Dr. how I feel……
I literally spent the first 3 hours of my day having this same conversation with myself.
And my dog, cat, and shower water.
I feel successful at most 2 days a month. The rest of the time I’m fighting myself from falling into a depression spiral of all the things I’ve done wrong in the past, and how ‘bad’ it is. And those two days I spend reminding myself of how far I have come. This morning I thought of how I use to have to walk everywhere because I had no car and lived in the middle of nowhere. Now, not only do I have a car, it’s completely paid off, and I did that.
I’m learning, just like you. You are not alone in how you feel. And thank you for giving us all a reminder that neither are we.
I have depression and anxiety, too. If I’m lucky I have a good 7 days a month and those are my days off work because I don’t like my job, but it’s the only place that gave me a chance. It took me 8 months to get hired anywhere even though I was going to several interviews and it seemed like the interviews went well, and I have years of experience in customer service and cash handling, and I know I could do any job they offered. So I spent months wondering if I was unhireable. Was it something I said wrong? Is it because I’m too fat? Could they tell that I’m not anywhere near as confident as I just pretended to be? It’s hard to shut off those voices. I spend a lot of time sleeping because in my dreams I am undefeatable. A good day for me is getting my laundry done and cleaning the bathroom all in the same day. If I actually leave the house to go to the grocery store, too, then the day is amazing. It sounds weird, but when I do make myself leave the house I always meet a stranger who makes me feel better. Even if I only meet them in passing, they seem to say or do something that makes me feel better about the world. I have been on a mission to ignore negative things and look for the good all around me. It’s amazing what you find when you are looking for it. 🙂
You are certainly not alone in this and you are, in fact, amazing because you (and all the awesome people who are also replying here) have shown me that I am not alone either. You have given us all a place in the world. The PTA never did that. I think our fault is that we try too hard to be what we were never meant to be. Not everyone is meant to have it together. Some of us are meant to live differently. It’s what makes us stand out. It’s what gives us our creativity. It is what gives us a passion for the unique. Sometimes we suffer for our passion and creativity, but I would rather suffer than be a cookie cutter copy of “normal”.
Thank you for not being normal. 🙂
P.S.- I moved last November and I just unpacked the last box last month. Don’t get too excited about that, the stuff is just stacked up in a corner. Point is it’s out of the box.
I’m going to go back and read some of the comments after, but I didn’t want to be influenced by them. Here’s my answer:
1. I feel like I kicked ass a few times a month. Some months fewer some months more than a few
2. I feel like everyone, including the most pastelly, unicorn taming, marshmallow pooping pta parent you can think of, has cracks close up. I have never gotten to know anybody really well without seeing their cracks. And yet, most people find love. So it must be ok to have cracks. In fact, it must be necessary in order to be human, don’t you think?
3. My biggest complaint about myself is lack of consistency and focus. I’ll be on one track for a long time and then boom, suddenly I’m on this different track with no idea how it happened. I’m also ADD. And I almost always end the day saying what the heck did I accomplish today?
I wish I had advice or answers. All that I can offer is that I have a lot of those same feelings and I understand. And I’m reading your book right now. I think you said it was eleven years in the making? It was worth waiting for. I think you’ll write another when you’re ready, and it is worth waiting for, so take your time.
I’ve never been convinced that struggling (assuming it doesn’t kill us, which is a bit of a nuisance when it happens) necessarily does make us stronger. I’d be very happy not to have to struggle, and cruise along and be all, “Good afternoon, fellows. I am riding a unicorn into this meeting to demonstrate how splendid a chap I am,” whenever I have a meeting for which a unicorn would be appropriate.
But I do struggle, largely because I often think I’m just not good enough to have the genius friends and wonderful family I do. I got a top-class education and largely blew the opportunity because I hated the degree I chose and got quite down about it in my senior year. Despite my wife’s assurances that I am, on balance, useful to have around and do okay at the parenting thing, I feel like I’m messing things up a lot of the time. I’m too easygoing and disorganised to be a good manager in the management job I do. I’m too clumsy to stop myself from banging into stuff, knocking shit over or even (and this is very hard to deal with) accidentally hurting my son. I never seem to achieve anything. I come home of an evening and just sit on the internet, because it’s been a crappy day at work. I loathe myself semi-regularly for not being better at life.
Thankfully, it isn’t always like that. There are days I actually do feel like I’ve done more than tread water at work — not quite unicorn levels of achievement, but maybe zeedonk levels. When I’m with my friends and I genuinely feel like I’m among my peers, that they’re enjoying my company as much as I am theirs. When I get smiles from my wife and son. And honestly, if there are difficult days when I do just want to stay in bed, I can tell you it really is a major achievement to get to the bank and do something that means at least one job won’t have to wait till tomorrow.
I’ve never really tried to quantify how many zeedonk days I get in a month. It’s probably more than three, though — maybe even as many as ten. But they can seem an awfully long way off when one is going through one of the “Am I of any use to anyone?” days. All of which is a very rambling way of saying that it isn’t just you. Hopefully your voices will bear that in mind.
Even without depression, anxiety, and personality issues, this stuff happens. Someone said “you’re comparing your out-take reel with someone else’s highlight reel” and I think that makes a whole lot of sense. Everybody has insecurities. Everybody feels like crap and feels like they’re not doing “enough” whatever that actually means. If you shoot for what feels like “enough” (earning enough money, having enough house, a car that’s enough, etc), you’ll be chasing an uncatchable goal Because there’s always someone who has just a little bit more, so in contrast you feel again like a failure (though you’re absolutely not).
We know all of our own fears and all the things we mess up, but everybody else is busy dealing with their own and trying to put up the “shield of things I do perfect so other people won’t know that I screw things up, too” and nobody really notices when we screw up. We’re all just doing the best we can, and it’s best to only compare yourself with yourself. As hard as it is, don’t beat yourself up for the things you didn’t do yesterday, though today’s another chance to do them if you can.
I hope tomorrow is one of your good days. And I wish that every day.
Ever since I lost my job back in December, I feel kind of worthless. I keep getting the I’m the overqualfied for things, (aka they don’t want to pay me b/c I’ve got a Masters Degree), and not getting interviews and other stuff, just really put a damper on myself.
So I don’t feel successful. Until I got a part time job, I barely got out of my PJ’s every day. I had no reason to get changed.
Now, I feel slightly successful b/c I’m making a tiny bit of money again, but I also still feel worthless b/c all I could find was a job for $8/hr.
OMG, I think it may be just you.
But no one’s better at the things you do than you are.
Love you, Jenny.
A wise person once told me that loving yourself is harder than you would think. I agree – I am constantly self-doubting and second guessing things I did even years ago. Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” We’ll, I think Socrates was an ass! Yes, you should monitor yourself and look for ways to improve, but that doesn’t give you the right to beat yourself up. I know if other people said aloud to me what I sometimes say to myself, I would be offended and hurt. So, why do I let myself think those things about me? I don’t know, but I still do it
If I do anything extra in a day, I view it as huge victory. I let myself feel awesome if I get out of bed before 10am. Mostly I am failing at being a productive, adult member of society but I don’t actually care. I suffer from terminal apathy, though, and anxiety. I washed the 2 day old marker off my neck today so I win.
Most days I don’t feel successful OR like a failure. Like, I accomplish nothing but I don’t really care.
I have a very low bar set for myself. It makes me happier that way.
For the last 17 years, my new year’s resolution has been “do better”. For most of those years, I tried to focus on one specific thing to do better at. “This year, I’ll learn how to budget like a grown up, and maybe not have to pay a billion dollars in overdraft fees because I can’t keep track of how much I’ve spent this week and what I have left.” Or “This year, I’m going to walk around the block at lunch every day”. No matter how complicated or simple my one thing is – by January 15th I’ve totally fucked it up. I’m not great with money, I hate walking, and for every “thing” I pick to focus on and improve – I fail and fail again.
I think that we all put SO much pressure on ourselves to do everything well, to be this or that, to be awesome at stuff, to have our shit together. And I just don’t – and I probably never will. I’m 47 this year, and I am STILL waiting to get a grip on the most basic things that grown ups do. Getting dinner together every night. Paying bills on time (or the fabled land of getting ahead – I’ve heard it exists somewhere). Making my annual lady-parts exam appointment on an annual basis rather than the every two or was it three years, oh crap – it’s been four? Getting to work on time every day rather than once or twice a week (if I’m lucky). Eating healthy, living healthy, sending in a REAL snack to the party for the kid’s class rather than the store-bought bag or box of crap.
For the last couple of years now, my new year’s resolution has changed. Instead of trying to do better, I am simply trying to be better to myself. To accept my imperfections, find ways to work around them when I need to, and to quit beating myself up so damned much. And the one big change that I made that has stuck is that I don’t compare. Just because I wear my flaws on the outside more than others doesn’t mean that others don’t have flaws. Once I started thinking that way – my feelings of being ashamed and feeling like an imposter have started to subside. I’m not an imposter. I am unapologetically me, warts and all.
And so are you, Jenny. You will never be an imposter as long as you just keep being you.
Ironically, or not, I’ve been going through the same thing the last few months. I’m angry. I’m depressed. I think I’m fat, ugly, worthless, stupid. I hate my job (even though it’s totally awesome). I hate my friends (even though they’re totally awesome). I hate my dogs (even though they’re adorably awesome). I hate my boyfriend (even though he’s awesomely awesome). And I hate me (even though I’ve been told I’m pretty awesome). It’s dissipating, slowly and painfully, but I seem to be remembering that my life isn’t terrible at all, in fact it’s great. And my poor boyfriend isn’t bearing my mood swings – as often.
You are great. You have fun in your life. You write wonderful things that people are only too happy to know you feel. It means that they aren’t alone. I don’t know you personally but I imagine that you’re a loving and supportive mother. Sounds like Victor has a challenging wife, who loves him and keeps him on his toes and I bet he wouldn’t have it any other way.
Writer’s block is nothing. Take a walk around your yard (sounds like maybe you don’t like to venture too far from you home on foot so your yard’s probably far enough) to breathe the air and not be staring at a computer screen. Drink a glass of wine to loosen up. Write with a good ol’ pen and paper to remember what the words look like and feel like when you create them.
Overall, remember that you have people around you who are thankful everyday that you are, who you are.
You know, it really does come down to that whole “comparison is the thief of joy” thing, and Buddhism is helping me a lot with the near-constant need I have to compare myself to others and resent what they have. But it is a daily (hourly, minute-by-minute) struggle.
How many days a month to I feel like I kicked ass? In relation to work, I have a great job and work with great folks and love what I do, so I would say 15/20 work days a month I feel like I kicked ass. In other areas of my life? Not so much. Maybe – MAYBE 1 day a month. Maybe more like one day every couple of months. Here’s my confession: I think from the outside, if you look at the person I present at work, I probably look like a “together” person. My life inside my home is a disaster, or at least, it looks that way to me. We don’t clean a lot between housekeeper visits every other week. Sometimes we don’t do laundry for weeks at a time. My kid has gone to school in unlaundered clothes he wore the week before that still smelled and looked okay. My laundry room looks like a tornado hit it and guess what? It always looks that way. And it ain’t changing any time soon. We eat cereal or bacon and eggs for dinner on a disturbingly regular basis. We currently have no fresh fruit or vegetables in our house – what I bought last week either got eaten or went bad – and we will not have any until I go grocery shopping on Sunday. And the shopping won’t be extensive as I figured out yesterday that a whole five days after payday, I am essentially broke. We just had our couch cleaned after TWO AND A HALF YEARS of dogs sleeping on it, kid spilling on it, etc. We very frequently do the entire week’s homework on Thursday night. I lie like a rug on my kid’s “weekly reading report” – he reads, but do I keep track of it? Or more to the point, do I want to admit to my kid’s teacher that most of what he read this week was Looney Tunes comics and books about Star Wars? We let our son play with toy guns. All the time. Pirate Booty and kettle corn are very frequently consumed as snacks (or sometimes meals) in my house. I read on Pinterest about moms feeding their kids fresh-made hummus and carefully chopped veggies and whole-wheat pitas for snacks and think, whatever. If it doesn’t come in a plastic bag, my kid generally won’t eat it. And rather than turn every meal into a battle, or make my kid terrified of me, I mostly let it go. And it’s partially because I ate tortilla chips and queso for dinner last night and I don’t want to get called on it. Finally, we hate the outdoors. My son has never been camping or hiking or fishing and will probably never go, at least not with us. Because our idea of “roughing it” is a four-star hotel with slow wi-fi and no poolside bar. And despite wasting money on tents, hiking boots, backpacks, etc. we are not outdoorsy and never will be and I am tired of feeling guilty about it. Just like I’m tired of feeling sad that we don’t have one of those glittery, happy active social lives so many people on Pinterest and Facebook seem to have. We have friends but everyone is so busy we rarely have get-togethers at our house, or go to get-togethers elsewhere. We have four – FOUR – paid streaming video services at our house because that’s what we do in our off time, instead of camping or having elaborate kids’ parties or hanging out with friends and grilling on a $3,000 grill while we drink imported beer and laugh like maniacs.
So, I guess here are my bottom lines. 1. Get off Pinterest, or at least change who you follow. I finally hit my max-out point with Pinterest when I was planning my son’s birthday party and could barely get it together to order a cake and buy sodas, and then I would see these photo essays of elaborate, beautiful parties in elaborate, beautiful houses with elaborate, beautiful children being catered to by elaborate, beautiful moms and feel like the world’s biggest loser. I blocked Pinterest on my browser and haven’t missed it since. 2. Ditto Martha Stewart Living, whether website, or magazine, or whatever. 3. I have a mantra I have started repeating to myself when I see something and feel “less than” – “that’s neat, but that’s not my life. And my life is okay the way it is.” Friend gets a new Mercedes and I’m still driving a beat-up Nissan? Mom at school brings in four dozen custom adorable cupcakes she made herself to the bake sale, as I drop off a stale pie I picked up at the bakery outlet on the way to school? Visit a friend’s house and everything is as fresh and pristine as those rooms in the Pottery Barn catalog? “That’s neat, but that’s not my life. And my life is okay the way it is.” It’s actually kind of working.
Most of all, know this: You are beautiful, you are smart, you are amazing, and you are loved. And just by writing this post you made people feel better about their lives. Not everyone can do that.
My words of wisdom (and I’m screaming up on 60 years old) is to NOT judge yourself by anyone else’s shiny, perky, bouncy life. First off, you really have no idea how much of that is a facade. They may go home and get the shit beat out of them physically or emotionally by their husbands, parents, or kids. They may binge and purge. They may be compensating for a whole host of things by controlling every aspect of their lives and running around being what they imagine is expected of them. And there’s always the possibility that they are just normally shiny, perky and bouncy. So what?
I used to do normal just because it was easier than dealing with not really fitting in and meeting the expectations of others. I dressed classical/preppy. I wore my hair long and never left the house without makeup. I spent hours cleaning on my days off so that if someone dropped by I wouldn’t be embarrassed about my house. Fuck that shit.
I love animals and started breeding canaries, have 2 cats (down from 6 as they’ve died of old age), and always have 2 or occasionally 3 dogs. I wear my hair boy-short because that’s the way I like it and I don’t care how many people think I’m gay or coming off chemo. I wear jeans and comfy tops unless I’m going to a wedding or something similar. Dog and cat hair is a condiment in my house. I vacuum and dust when I feel like it just because I don’t like living in filth, but if someone comes to the door and I haven’t dusted or vacuumed in a few days because I’ve had better things to do, oh well. If they don’t like it they can leave and come back and try and catch the place when it’s clean.
I had cancer 8 years ago and was slammed into menopause as part of the treatment. Up until then I had always at least been able to sleep like a baby. Once they did that to me I swear I never slept more than 3 – 4 hours a night. I also have battled social anxiety for years, although I know the root causes of mine, but I don’t think nearly to the extent or severity that you do. I also had been on a minimal dose of generic Xanax to help with that. Once I went through my cancer treatment I switched to the Extended Release generic Xanax, still at a minimal dosage, once in the morning and once in the late evening, and I have the social anxiety under control and sleep like a log. Surprisingly, I don’t seem to have depression. I think maybe I’m too belligerent to get depressed 🙂
So, this is my normal now. I’m not like most women I know, but I’m smart, can be funny as hell, feisty, outspoken, and I’m kind unless given a reason to not be. You are all those things and more. I consider myself a very worthwhile person who, even if all I do in the course of the day is feed & water the birds, take care of the dogs and the ball-and-chain, and read a good book, I’ve had a good day. I might do something more exciting soon; I might not. I might start a project and not finish it (in fact, I can guarantee that will happen), but I also have done shit like rescuing a nest of 5 week old baby squirrels and raising them until they were able to be released and fend for themselves.
So, for the TL;DR version – Don’t judge yourself by anyone else’s achievements. If you have things you enjoy doing, keep doing them regardless of whether they seem inconsequential or “normal.” You will do important things as they present themselves. Spending time with your daughter and husband IS some of the really important stuff, and you’re nailing that.
I really think that feeling like a good about yourself 3 or 4 days a month is not normal. Which is not to say that I feel like a rockin’ success every day, but just that you deserve to be happier than that. I think you should try and adjust your meds. I have a lot of anxiety too and often feel like I just don’t do “it” (whatever “it” is at the moment) as well as anybody else– but I can often shake that feeling. (Half the time, say.) And some days I feel just fine. So I have at least half of the month where I feel okay, and with maybe a few days of feeling great. And I just can’t imagine how terrible it would feel to have only a few days of that. xo
I frequently feel like I’m just pretending to be a grown up, or playing house. My husband and I have proper jobs, we have a pretty neat 6 year old and are trying for one more, hopefully awesome, kid. But I struggle to put dinner on the table and frequently feel like the worst mom on the block because my kid eats McDonalds and Lunchables and not organic, homemade chicken garnished by vegetables we grew in our own garden or some shit. I know my kid is healthy, but I still feel like a failure when I’m too tired from work to make dinner and we subsist on frozen pizza on a school night.
I feel pretty successful on the one week night that I manage to get a proper meal on the table, and sadly, this week I didn’t make it. Oh well, there’s always next week, right? Maybe next week I’ll be so prepared I’ll make dinner every night! There’s always hope, I guess.
Dear god, please stop looking at Pinterest, and Facebook, and all that other crap (but don’t quit posting there, because I love reading your stuff LOL) But seriously. You know how depression lies? Yeah. Facebook, Pinterest — lies. Shiny, happy lies . . . as anyone who’s ever shoved the laundry off the bed, opened the nightstand drawer and shoveled all the shit in, and hastily wiped the dust off with a sock juuuuuust so they can take a picture of the kitty snoozing on the pillow for their Instagram totally knows but won’t admit in public (Damn, forgot to dust the lamp, retake!) Because of COURSE our houses all look like that all the time.
Want my confession? I don’t suffer from depression, though I totally love you for writing about it because I grew up with a mom who did and am intimately familiar with its demonic grasp. My personal shame is that after staying at home for 12 years, I now work a part time job and most days go to bed feeling just like you do. Our house is a wreck, I can’t keep up with laundry, dishes, meals, scheduling — and all the time, I’m thinking, “Seriously?! Tons of people work full time. Hell, lots of moms work TWO jobs. Why can’t you get it together?”
And I *don’t* manage to spend real time with my kids every day. I feel like all we do is yell and fight about nothing getting done, and nobody helping out. But today, I’m changing that. Today I will begin making time, real time, every day. For them, but more for me . . . because I think that may be the beginning of the way out of my hole.
Thank you <3
It’s not you, it’s what our society has become. We are a country of people for whom nothing is never good enough; no house is ever big enough, no one is ever skinny enough, no success is ever large enough, no paycheck ever has enough zeros… We have all bought into the illusion that we must be the Trumps, The Cleavers and The Kardashians combined, or we are nothing. The truth is, we are so, so, so much more than the Trumps, Cleavers or Kardashians could ever hope to be. Be OK with who you are, because it is enough.
I feel exactly the same way. I go through entire months where I feel like my entire contribution to the world is “converts oxygen to carbon dioxide.” I’d say I feel like I accomplished something… maybe one day a week, on average? Which comes out to about the same 4 days a month you mentioned.
And yeah, everyone around me tells me how accomplished I am, and how much I get done, and how I’m so successful, which just makes me even more worried about what they’ll think when they eventually figure out I’m none of those things. Of course, I also suffer from anxiety and depression, so I don’t really know how much of my self-perception is at all accurate.
For what it’s worth, my therapist feels that I don’t have an anxiety problem, as much as I have a procrastination problem that causes me anxiety (which causes me to procrastinate more, which causes more anxiety, etc etc). So I guess that’s one outside observer saying I could be accomplishing more with my time. If I ever figure out how to actually DO that, I’ll be sure to let you know!
I am never good enough for myself. I study and do decently in school and work but it is never good enough. I am my own Tiger-Mother even though my parents were the type to say “as long as you did your best, accept the C” and stuff. If I was not passing, they got me extra help. Now, I can get a 9/10 on a quiz and be sad I missed one. I got 22/25 today and I’m sad 91% is my average grade 2 weeks in to the semester (and a B in nursing school) I too will spend days amazed that I just existed and came out alive. Then I beat myself up for being lazy. I don’t know why I do this. Yes, I’ve also had counseling and I have medications when necessary. I feel like most people don’t understand me and make conclusions that are negative based on my honesty at times. I don’t enjoy people’s company while I’m in school. I don’t enjoy being so broke from paying for school that I’m not sure how I will eat next week, and I don’t enjoy that I’m struggling like this at 30. I shouldn’t be here right now financially.
So no, you aren’t alone. PTA meetings seem stupid and my family never did them. My family is pretty antisocial, though. In a way, I think many of us are alone together.
If more people were honest with the folks around them, it would be a lot easier on everyone. We ALL have cracks and dirt and “fail at life”…
Except that we DON’T really. It only seems that way because so many people plaster all kinds of pastel pancake makeup on their own cracks and dirt and don’t ever let on that they are having the same problems you are.
I do hope you are able to stop comparing your fantastic though not perfect awesomeness against other people’s fake perfection because what you are comparing yourself against is the most ridiculously airbrushed, photo manipulated, enhanced images of other people that they can throw up to the world. Those perfect people DO NOT EXIST.
And you know what?
By sharing your fears, you are now stronger and better and you INSPIRE all sorts of other awesome but not perfect people to reach out and share their fears. And the more we haul our fears into the light for examination, the more able we are to collectively defeat them.
Please know that you make the world a better place for people you will never even meet. Take strength from that. Not everyone can do that and it’s a special gift.
I don’t deal with any diagnosed mental health issues or take meds. But I worry I’ll be found out as a fraud. I can help my students love math & be successful in acquiring knowledge, but yet I worry that a peer will realize that I really have no clue how to teach.
I still have unpacked boxes in my garage from when we moved into our house 14 yrs ago – I want to throw them out without looking in them, but I’m afraid I’ll accidentally throw out a ring that I misplaced when we moved.
I try to fit in, but I know I’m not one of those put-together Moms involved at the school I teach. However, they tell me that their kid loves math because of me & that makes up for my feelings of inadequacy. So I may not have my shit together, but I am making a difference one kid at a time.
You are the best you you can be. Your daughter & husband love you & accept you. Hang in there! It’s all good.
I agree with all of the others posting here who have humbly suggested that you stop comparing yourself to others. It can be so damaging to ask yourself, “Am I as involved in PTA as that mother? Am I thinner than her? Do I make as much money as the person in the next cubicle?” Those comparisons are never helpful: if you’re on the “losing” end it makes you feel worse, and if you’re on the “winning” end, well, it kind of makes you a douche for even asking those questions.
I have felt so much better since I realized that I really cannot objectively compare myself to others in broad terms. No two people are alike, with the same issues, with the same goals, with the same tools, with the same fill-in-the-blank. I do the best I can for who I can. And once in a while my 5-year-old says to me, “Mom, you’re the best mom I’ve ever had.” In my head I say, “I’m the only mom you’ve ever had, genius,” but it always makes me feel amazing because I know what he’s trying to say.
You’re the best Bloggess out there, so just keep it up.
I feel successful maybe once or twice a month. A lot of this probably has to do with my own anxiety, depression and generalized teen angst. I feel like I don’t accomplish the things other kids my age are (ie, getting their license, getting a boyfriend, and being healthy.) What I do to keep me out of a I-am-so-lame-I-should-just-die-funk is set goals and until I complete them I am not allowed to give up . It probably would be better to make them small goals that I can see an end to like doing that load of laundry or drawing something instead of seeing my nephew graduate highschool but that is not the point when you are having those days that you have to fight to get out of bed setting a few small goals that you can accomplish and completing them makes you feel like a super hero. Good luck!
P.S. Thanks for posting that song I heard it a loooooooooooong time ago and couldn’t remember what it was called. Needless to say I shall spend a lot of time whispering ‘DIE VAMPIRE DIE!’ this year.
4 or 5 days a month for me. So basically I totally win. In fact, I’m going to going ahead a make a Pinterest page dedicated just to that fifth day. With lots of baskets and twine and doilies and shit. Burn.
xo,
L.
Hey, long time reader, first time, uh, advice giver, I guess. You mentioned voices. Hyperbole or real? I ask because I wonder if you’ve ever gone to http://www.intervoiceonline.org/ . The forum has other people’s tips for dealing with voices, either quelling the negative ones, or finding a way to use them for positive ends, and general stories to help you feel not alone.
But seriously, you are not alone in this, but that doesn’t mean that you might not need a adjusting of therapy and/or medication. One of my docs once told me that the general rule of thumb for seeking additional help was whether your problems were affecting day-to-day life in a significant way.
I haven’t read through the comments (there are so many!) so I might just be repeating exactly what everyone else has said so I apologise in advance. I’ve also never commented on a blog of a person I don’t know in real life so hopefully I don’t mess up and break some unwritten rule.
I feel good about myself maybe about 2 days a month, and then only a couple of hours each day, usually after I’ve finished some “project” and then that only lasts before I start to see everything wrong with it and how much I’ve spent on it only to get such a crap result and then I feel bad I’m spending money on stupid things like painting my fridge in multi-coloured diamonds when there are so many better things I could have done with the money and time and then I’m back to baseline.
I’ve been to see a psychologist? Counsellor? I’m not really sure what she was except she was great at listening but couldn’t give me drugs, and told me I seemed to have some anxiety, some depression, but not heaps and after about 6 or 7 sessions said I should be fine on my own which was great but also not great because…because then if I feel like crap and it’s not because I’m not well, then it must be because I am crap and I’m justified in feeling like this.
My default feeling is apologetic – I feel bad that I’ve had a pretty good parents who didn’t starve me (of food or affection), I feel bad that I’m taking up all this prime real estate in Life and not doing anything great or even good with it. If I could take years off my life to give away to people who were achieving more I would constantly feel like I should, but I probably wouldn’t because I’m afraid of death, so even in hypotheticals I’m useless.
This has been a very long and unhelpful ramble, just to say it is not just you.
p/s: I scrolled up quickly and Jeanette – it sounds very familiar, so it is not just you…too?
p/s2: I’m sorry for being rambly and unhelpful.
p/s3: a lot of my failings are my fault, I felt like that needed to be said.
I just keep faking. (Just keep swimming)! I try not to think about it. Lose myself in work, cleaning, and then at the end of the week, I have a bottle of wine, watch a bad movie about perfect people, and then cry a little. Once my hungover ass wakes up the next morning….rinse and repeat. I’m lucky to have an amazing husband, who bales me out of my stupid mistakes and doesn’t dwell on them. I feel like some people have already figured out Im a phoney, but I have to just keep away from them. It’s just survival. You do what you have to to survive and hope that someday you’ll be old enough that no one tries to “figure you out” any more. I hope it gets better for you, and everyone, myself included. You are brilliant and it’s nice to know we aren’t alone. Lets just keep swimming, because in 20 years I don’t want my son to remember me depressed and sad, but as a survivor who did whatever she could to make his life happy and fulfilled, and that’s what you’re doing with your daughter! That’s all that matters in the end. When you said you take time everyday to connect with her, that’s what’s important. I think I’ve given up on perfecting myself and just realized that I don’t matter anymore, it’s him and that’s it. I don’t want him to have these fears, doubts, and insecurities so ill do whatever I can to fake it for him. You’re are stronger than you think and a great mom/person. Have a bottle of wine, a good cry and keep on keeping on! We are all here for you!
I feel the same way many days.
One thing that’s helped me is making a to-do list each day using an app on my phone and then I check things off as I go. Some items I put a deadline on (vacuum house by Saturday). Others I leave open ended. Sometimes the list is ambitious, sometimes very normal and then there are days when I have to be realistic – shower, walk my dogs, watch shows in the Hulu queue and that’s it.
For me, the list motivates me to see how much I can get done before I can crash and I can say “just do the list and your free to lay in bed” if that’s what I need. Nobody sees the list, it’s just for me so there’s no judging but I do feel like I accomplish a lot during the day now. I’ve also found when my anxiety ramps up the list gets longer because I NEED to keep doing stuff or I will have a panic attack.
Maybe a day or two a month? Generally not at all – I feel like a lazy sack of shit who’s not getting anything done pretty much all the time. I have mental health stuff and neuro stuff that means just getting the basics of existing done, like laundry and feeding the cat, is pretty much it for me some days. But because I was clever at school, I grew up with all these expectations of being a lawyer or a politician or a high-ferlutin’ journalist, and feel like I’ve really let my family down because instead I’m in my 30s, back living with my parents again with no real clue How To Adult.
It feels great when I manage to get grown-up shit done, even if that’s just renewing my drivers licence or paying a heap of bills that’ve been sitting on the table staring at me for a fortnight. If I ever get my tax done (which was due at the end of June, but I’m putting off because I’ve lost all the paperwork re: my superannuation and a bunch of complicated property stuff I don’t even understand) I’ll feel like I’m owning this adult thing.
What makes you feel the worst? What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?
I have those same piles of dusty boxes from two moves ago in my corners. I think I’d be generous if I said I had 3-4 successful days a month. But you know what? Briefly, for a year or two, I had that perfect, pastel life. And I’ve never been more miserable than during that time. I was constantly contorting and crumpling who I am to try and fit into who I was supposed to be. It was hard, it was agonizing, and it was heartbreaking.
Thankfully, I got a wake-up call. That wasn’t pleasant, either. In fact, it quite decisively ended my marriage, but it was necessary. I realized that I really needed to be me, much to the dismay of my then-husband, and that no matter how hard I tried I was never going to manage as a modern-day June Cleaver.
I can’t honestly say I’ve been happy ever since, but I’ve been me, which is really important. And I’ve learned that no matter how dusty and fallen-behind and ineffective it is, imperfect is a hell of a lot more interesting and a hell of a lot cooler than perfect could ever be.
Most days, I’m happy that I was able to get to work and back (yep, I do hold down a full-time, highly responsible job). Bipolar, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and agoraphobia out the wazoo. I don’t watch TV because it can send me into an attack, so instead, I am a voracious reader and artist. And yes, I have felt like an imposter before. Many times. But at almost 45, I’ve decided to make peace with myself. I’m made the way I am. There’s no changing that; no medication in the world is going to fix me (& I’m well medicated). No, I didn’t attend PTA meetings at my son’s school but I was sure there for almost every baseball game he ever played (I kept score, it helped to ease the panic). No, I can’t run down to the store to buy a gallon of milk without having a mini attack, or go to the store to buy clothes, but my family has never gone hungry or unclothed. Yes, my problems have gotten worse the older I’ve gotten, but I’ve made peace. I shop online (& get better deals!). I psych myself up and go to Hobby Lobby once a week in the off chance I can go to Tuesday Morning the next week (baby steps). If I can’t, I don’t lose sleep. I don’t let myself get disappointed like I used to. I have a wonderful husband and son, who though they may not understand all the battles I face and fight on a daily basis, still love me for who I am, not what someone’s else’s idea is of what or who I should be. I have good days (couple a month) and really bad days (couple a month) and the rest is my version of normal. God made me this way for a reason. I can’t and won’t argue with HIM.
So basically been there, done that, have the T-shirt and wear it proudly.
Or is it that you actually DO know what this world needs and quite frankly shiny PTA-Mom isn’t it. I mean, yes, she’s great and guarantees a successful school carnival but in the grand scheme of life – really? Because when people are too scared to sleep because they’re afraid the cancer will come back and Dad just took on a second job to pay off the funeral of their third child and that asshole totally cut me off in traffic which is not only rude but incredibly dangerous — don’t you think it’s overwhelming to know that even if you were the best shiny PTA-Mom Ever, the world would still suck. So, doesn’t part of you want to change the world – wake it up with laughter covered truths that boil down to BE NICE! and TREAT PEOPLE WITH RESPECT! and TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER! …. because that’s what you do. You remind us of that. All the time. That life IS good and it CAN be great and it SHOULD be fabulous for all of us… so maybe the truth that you know is that all this energy spent on being Pinterest Perfect doesn’t make the world good. And that’s depressing. And heavy. And a huge burden to bear. And sometimes maybe it feels like you’re the only one carrying the burden… a burden you can’t even begin to describe and make sense of. A burden that cupcakes decorated as turtles or bumble bees or Honey Boo Boo cannot begin to fix. So all you want to do is crawl into bed and say, “I give up.”
I’ve had periods where I had that same feeling. Where I would go to bed every night feeling dissatisfied with myself and my life. Even though I knew I had really good things going on, I just felt like I was totally lame.
My solution was to start keeping a gratitude journal. At the beginning of every day and just before bed at night I take a few minutes to relax. I say, “I am grateful for…” and then I write down whatever pops into my mind. Sometimes it takes 15 minutes to think of 5 things, but I search my mind for 5 things twice a day, either about my day or about myself. It has had a huge impact on how I feel at the end of the day.
Good luck. You have a lot of love heading your way.
I spend almost every day feeling like I’m treading water in a giant sea of maps unable to find any kind of direction in life. It’s not that I’m not good at things. I have plenty of things I’m good at but I don’t fully commit to anything. The days that I convince myself I’m committing are the few good days per month. Mostly though I feel like I’ve achieved absolutely nothing. I don’t know how to fix it, or if it’s normal, but I’m going to see a kinesiologist as good ones can fix the pathways jn the brain that aren’t functioning properly. They find the reasons why and make you deal with them. It’s worked for me before for other problems ( see arachnophobia and being terrified of leaving home). It might help you? P.S i absolutely love your blog.
Robert Louis Stevenson said it best:
“Our business in life is not to succeed; our business is to continue failing in good spirits.”
The comments here make it evident: the feeling of failure is normal. I’m a professor, at a fancy research university and it’s the same up in here: me, all my colleagues, every grad student I’ve ever advised, they all feel this way. The most successful ones feel it the worst. Only psychopaths do not compare themselves to other people and find themselves wanting in some way. So, congratulations on your lack of pyschopathicity ( yes, a word, because this is English, and we are allowed to make up new ones, goddamit). As an evolutionary biologist, I suspect that the feeling is functional: if everybody stopped striving in order to pat themselves on the back every time they succeeded at something large or small, we wouldn’t rule the planet, cockroaches would. As long as you keep working to try to ease the feeling of failure, you’ll continue to get ahead. So it’s a win-win, except that you feel like shit. Hey, no free lunch.
Since everyone is failing at something, the key is to compare yourself not just to the right person, but to the right TRAIT. You may be losing at the PTA competition, but you are totally winning at honesty. You have saved lives with your willingness to put parts of yourself out there that everyone else guards and keeps secret. (But you haven’t saved everyone. So….still failing. See? RLS knew what the fuck he was talking about.) So, go on, compare yourself to the shiny people if you can’t help it. Just remember to ask: I wonder what they think they are failing at? Don’t ask yourself if you’ve succeeded: just ask if you are still TRYING. Yoda was wrong: there is ONLY trying.
Somedays I feel like I am watching my life happen and not actually experiencing it first hand. I only get 2-3 days a month that I feel bitchin’ awesome like I did when I did when I was younger. On those days I feel like I rock and I can do anything, but it is always short lived. I get derailed from that feeling VERY easily and sink back down to the soggy depths of my dreary mundane reality. There I am quiet and dull. I feel dead inside and I imagine that this is how zombies feel as they rip apart the brains of their victims looking for meaning. They only eat the sunny vibrant brains full of life and enthusiasm, just to sadly find that you are not what you eat, and the zombies are still empty and devoid of meaning. On super unfortunate days I get taken over by my super irritable and angry evil twin. I hate everything on those days and all I want to do is lock myself in a reactor compartment and explode. I had been to a psychologist that made me feel unsafe talking to her, and then made it a traumatic and very stressful event when I tried to leave her. Now I feel like I cannot trust anyone. I hated the way the medications made me feel and I was frustrated with my inability to feel normal by myself so I stopped taking them. I now only take a Sam E supplement. I feel very alone and isolated regardless of the number of people around me. I have only one friend that I feel I could tell anything to and not have her judge me. I love her to pieces, although I prefer her whole 🙂 She was the one that told me about your blog. Without her, I wonder what kind of person I would be. She inspires me to do better everyday and I appreciate her more than I could ever tell her. Even if she doesn’t think “Refridgerables” is a proper word to describe things that belong in the fridge.
And success is in the eye of the beholder. Today I vacuumed my living room. I am a goddess in my mind because of it. Yet, I haven’t washed my hair in almost a week now. Which is something I used to do daily because I hated dirty hair. My standards may have lowered, but I vacuumed that Damned living room like a BOSS! Even though what I say cannot make your pain seem any less, Just keep being awesome because you are a bright spot in my dark cave of depression. That makes you beautiful. <3
So maybe it’s just the ones of us who read your blog? Or everyone in the world? Or just the members of our culture? I don’t think that you have to be mentally ill to feel like an imposter. Whatever. It’s fucked that we only feel good about getting things done a few days a month, and even then we feel like imposters. I kind of want to say that it’s the Human Condition, but it seems too recent for that. I think that people just used to have lower expectations, and that things could be simply “good enough”. Personally, I have one major chore for each day of the week: laundry, mending/sewing, shopping, house cleaning, baking/food prep. And I set myself the challenge of spending 10 minutes a day on hobbies/projects: knitting, sewing, and reading. Sometimes it’s enough to get into the groove and keep going, and at least I’ve managed to knit a couple of rows, pin a couple of seams, read a couple of pages, which eventually add up to some kind of success. Even so, there are days when taking a shower or sweeping the floor seems too hard. (I’d have to open the hall cupboard and take out the broom and dustpan, then sweep. Under the table AND behind the door. Then empty the dustpan into the garbage. Put the broom and dustpan away. Finally, feel bad about how long I’d left it and what slobs my family are.)
It’s pretty obvious from all of the comments that you are not alone in this. I have stopped looking at sites like Facebook and Pinterest all together because I was finding I just felt down about myself every time I looked at the “look at my perfect life” posts. But I know NO ONEs life is perfect and most people (especially us gals) put such high expectations on ourselves that we can’t possibly achieve them. I think the real frauds are the people who think they not….we are all just muddling through. As for the stats…..I would say 2 to 3 days a week I feel semi competent…but I find that it is rarely in multiple areas ( e.g. I might feel like I earned my keep at work but then the kids get cereal for dinner so I have that hanging over my head). What I do know is that tomorrow is a new day and a brand new opportunity to be awesome (or be the only mom that forgets to sign a permission slip)! Keep being you…you make a lot of people feel good.
I feel this way every day. I’m stuck in a cycle of moments of accomplishment overshadowed by the rest of the day’s anxiety and depression. It doesn’t seem like I’ve had a chance to say, “Wow. THIS was a good day!” in a very long time. It’s more like, “wow, that was a fun moment..”
I hope the 2000+ response posts that have popped up in the last few hours help you to feel less alone. I come to your blog to feel less alone. It’s something just to know that there are other people out there who are strange and wonderful and terribly haunted by themselves.
I think you may have hit a nerve.
Crap – I copied and pasted your questions into the comment box to remind me what I was writing about, and forgot to delete the last line before I posted. Sorry about that.
Its funny that you wrote this blog/post because I woke up with an overwhelming feeling today thinking about “accomplishment” and “underachievement” and what is considered successful and what is considered lame just this morning…I sat on the sofa thinking to myself how unproductive it is to sit on the sofa, and then commending myself simultaneously for enjoying the moment of peace, rain outside, trees swaying, and hazy grey in the sky. While it may seem like nothing to some people who feel that their only self-worth is defined by their latest physical achievement, productivity, or acquisition, there are many of us who define success by the finding an inner calm and sense of appreciation for the MOMENT. I say you are being successful and should be damn proud of yourself for being present in the moment. It is all relative to what you know. These are the words my ‘shrink’ told me in my one session with him before I asked for a female because men made me paranoid at the time…After my lengthy rambling of how I should be doing this, or should be doing that, or should be etc… he pointed out to me that I cannot hold myself to standards that do not apply to me (like starving in Africa, being a Nobel Peace Prize winner, or joining the PTA), that my own success is relative to my own life and personal aspirations, realistic personal aspirations, within the realistic scope of who I am and what my life is about… Your toilet paper, or lack thereof, makes you resourceful and eclectic. My daughter and I spent endless days watching Little House on the Prairie re-runs! Kuddos for instilling old-school love and family values that we are all rooted in and sometimes forget! I say you need to love you for who you are and quit beating yourself in silly comparisons with a world you clearly see as hostile and uninviting to you. While it may seem a majority of people have their “shit” together, many of them are screaming or crying inside. You are free of that, that inane goobersome tread-mill that says you must adhere or you are valued less. There are many who have yet to discover the level of maturity that you discovered at a much younger age (due to many unusual circumstances) in which you were able to REALIZE AND EMBRACE who you are without being defined by what you have or what you earn or what you make or how you present yourself in life…The shortcomings you feel that you possess are a figment of a reality in which many people socially claim as their own personal comfort zone. Everyone wants to be admired and accepted so very few feel comfortable following the beat of their own drum. Ridicule and rejection is at the head of that horse and carriage, the one that says you are nothing unless you ________________… Create, love, share, be you. I love that you are. I love who you are. Don’t change a damn thing, unless its something in your own heart that you truly want to change!
Pinterest and Facebook are just highlight reels. You can’t compare your life to anything you see on them. They are not meant to reflect day-to-day reality. They are good for many things–inspiration, connection, distraction–but that is all. I’m definitely a person who looks like I’ve got it all together…but I stopped the daily showers the minute I became a mother. I’ve gotten good at sock buns instead. This year, I learned how to recycle AND compost. Maybe next year I’ll learn how to keep the yard tidy. I can only do so much. You know what I did do, though? I ran through a giant water fountain in my clothes, to make my kids laugh. It worked, I win, in their eyes I am awesome. That’s pretty much what I shoot for. Check back with me in a few years, and if the kids haven’t grown up to be complete assholes, I’ll still be winning. That’s pretty much my goal. Sending you hugs–we’re all in this together, Jenny, and I want you to know you’ve inspired me, and I’ve started to really overcome a lot of my lingering hangups since reading your blog, your book, and attending one of your book signings. Thank you, Jenny!
Honey, you are definitely not alone! To answer your questions:
How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person?
May be 1 or 2. I finally just got a new job after years of unemployment, and my dh (after bugging me to find a job) said he kind of likes me being home. Things got done, food was made, clothes were washed, etc. Wait a minute! Why then was he bugging me? Because he wanted to pay some bills off and have some extra money. I want to work and be paid. It helps my self-esteem. It is exciting. I also have depression and anxiety along with other basic growing older stuff, so I tend to spiral down out of control when I judge myself against others. We really do not know what goes on at their house. I learned to just accept that some people have it really easy, and most do not.
The rest of the time, I am so down on myself. I have 2 wonderful girls, but they are both messed up. One won’t talk to me, had a baby when she was 15, placed it for adoption after the baby was in our house for 7 months. She is now living on her own, 6 hrs away, with her boyfriend that we really do not know and will not talk to me.
The other daughter has disabilities, Asperger’s (a form of autism) ADD, anxiety, depression, muscular dystrophy and hearing loss. She lives in low income housing, because we would kill each other if she were home. She is extremely intelligent, but still cannot get a handle on basic life skills. She has come close to getting kicked out of her apartment twice in two years! She refuses to deal with reality, like dishes, laundry and such. She just wants to play all day. She is basically a 12 yr old in a 23 yr old body. Not a good thing!
I blame myself for their failings, even when they really haven’t failed! I am the MOM that’s why! I should have been perfect! This is another lie from depression.
What makes you feel the worst?
When it seems like my daughter (the one with the boyfriend) would rather I drop off the face of the earth. According to my hubby, this is not true, but I believe it. Sometimes, depression is a real monster that way.
What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?
I might call a friend, and maybe go out with them. I tend to eat a lot to make myself feel better. But then, I get angry, and it just goes round and round. I have also watched funny shows or movies. That can help a lot! Other times, I just wind up in bed, waiting for the next day, hoping it will be better. Having a dog would help, but dh says no.
I hope this isn’t too depressing. I am actually doing better. I am no longer “on call” for the daughter with Asperger’s, my dh has to handle some things on his own, and I get a paycheck!
But I really want a dog. I tell him it will help!!!! It really will!!!
I was always depressed; severe postpartum depression after child #2 sent me to the shrink and antidepressants (24 years and counting) brought me up to normal. Eventually that became better than normal. If I look back at my life I feel reasonably successful, (raised two great sons who are good people and good citizens, worked for a prestigious international CPA firm for 20+ years, elected to local public office for 3 terms so far) I might even one of those whom others are jealous of. But on any given day? I probably accomplish exactly as much as you, maybe less. A busy day is one where I get all the laundry done, folded, and put away for my husband and I; not exactly a monumental accomplishment. The difference is that I am happy anyway thanks to the antidepressants. This probably isn’t much help to you b/c you already know all about antidepressants, etc., but it may help you to know that even a *successful* person only rarely does anything of consequence. Mostly its just same old, same old.
I believe you have just identified how most people, especially women, feel several times a month. I don’t have depression, anxiety, ADD, ADHD, or a mental disorder that has been clinically identified. I feel like life pressures just make us feel this way and that we are constantly striving for a PERFECT life that is what the media tells us it should be….skinny, energetic, hot meals every night (who cooks really), smart, sexy, fabulous clothes, great wife, great mother, great in bed….gah. If I focused on that, I would go crazy. I get done what I can in a day and know if I clean out all the boxes in my closet there will be more to fill tomorrow. Your priorities are correct…spend time with your daughter and terrorize your husband as you, do all else is just filler. Ask yourself this question…did I murder anyone today? Okay, then…you’re fine.
Don’t think about stuff so much….and OH, you just broke your writers block…good job! You’re fine just the way you are and you make people laugh ….it’s a gift. Love
Well, now I feel like a real dumb-ass because I thought EVERYBODY felt like a fraud most of the time. You mean there are people out there who don’t? Funny, I’ve never met any. It’s not just you. When I feel like shits getting real, I choose one thing that didn’t get done in the long list of things that need doing – and do it – it makes me feel better. My experience with the ‘pastel people’ is that it’s mostly a front. They’re better at hiding their anxiety and fear of failure…scratch the surface.
Dearest Jenny, my best advice is to “fake it till you make it.” I am one of those normal looking people, I have cloth napkins (I use the same 3 over and over again) a picnic basket (used once) I recycle religiously mostly out of habit and guilt and never wear pastels. But, I’ve never been married and my longest relationship was with my dog who just died (15 years.) I just take a deep breath, smile wide and do my best, every day. I tell myself, if I made one person’s day a little easier that day, then it was a good day. I’m about to become a foster
I don’t know if this is horrible or helpful. Jenny, I am one of those people. Always clean and tidy, organized, volunteering on top of my full time job and family stuff and so very with it. But do you know, I look up to you. You are an example to me of living bravely and honestly. If I could choose, I’d hang out with you and we could drink wine and be unproductive together. My favorite-est shirt ever says it all “It’s so exhausting pretending to be a mature adult”. One of yours, eh?
Look, I’m considered psychologically middle of the road, and i think im super successful, and I feel like I “kick ass” a couple times a month. There are a lot of little victories (“Damn, that closet looks great!” “It’s nice having all the dishes done Sunday night before the work week starts.”) but only a few times I feel like I rocked the whole day.
It helps me to remember that staying fed and keeping a roof over one’s head snuggling loved ones IS a major success. Maybe we don’t value that in this country enough because its so common. But think about it in terms of most of the world’s population: you have to be pretty damn successful to have a safe home and not be hungry and go to sleep at night being pretty sure you can do that all again tomorrow.
Geez Jenny, did you get in my head and root around? i catch glimpses of some person that i am “supposed” to be and think, “who the hell is that and how did I miss not finding her before??” all those shiny, pretty people are just like us, sometimes their skin is a little thicker so you don’t see the turmoil below the surface. (I think it’s a moisturizer thing). I live for those days when I get a nod that I am not INVISIBLE and that I matter to some one -anyone. We need to show up; sometimes that’s the best we can do. and that is perfectly fine.
Go hug your kid.
Most days, I feel pretty good. I teach in a low-income middle school, and so every day’s a million things at once, never ever ever enough time or energy or money, and far too many broken-hearted moments. Where every minute spent with people I love creates guilt that I should instead be doing work because there’s soooo much to do. But every day there’s a little something, a little glimmer.
I just want to wrap my arms around you, all of you, and hold you so close. I wish you could see yourselves through my eyes. To me, you are beautiful. God damn gorgeous. Because you are you. Because everyday, even when you don’t know it, you’re that glimmer for someone. And on those days where you feel like you failed, let the rest of us hold you up.
As you noticed, no you are not alone. Things came to a head for me about 3 months ago. I am doing CBT and on anti d’s too. I would say I am about the same, only. 3-4 days where I feel ok about myself. Most of the time I feel like a prat because many of the reasons I am suffering are things that I did. Failed business, debt. For so many it is because of things beyond their control like a bereavement , or health like yourself. I don’t feel I have the right to feel depressed about myself, but I cannot help it. My friends are being the best that they can, and call me brave , but I don’t think so. I feel like a cowardly failure.
I guess it came to a crunch when I started to think about what there is for me in the future. The thought that it will be only this has become scarier than being depressed and I hope I will be able to find a way through.
I hope that you will too.
Kat xxxx
Let me start off by saying, I do not suffer from any mental illness (that I am aware of). I am sharing this with everyone because my very limited understanding of mental illness is that it messes with your perspective on some things so hearing from someone who does not suffer the way some of you do, may provide some insight! 🙂
I am a stay-at-home mom and I spend most days doing very little aside from raising my son. Today I played with my son, I read a little, I played games on my phone, I checked Twitter and Facebook multiple times and did absolutely nothing else. I fed my son at the appropriate times but honestly, if he wasn’t here, I probably would have ate croutons out of the bag for every meal! I am still wearing my pajamas at 7:00 pm and I haven’t showered yet, nor do I plan to before my son goes to bed.
And I am HAPPY!
I read somewhere not to “compare your blooper reel to other’s final cuts” (or something like that. If I was more put together I would have written it down and put it in a pretty frame). I took this to heart. When I realized that all the “put together” people are just showing us what they want us to see! It’s a conspiracy I tell you!!! Don’t buy it!!
And Ms. Jenny Lawson! I don’t know you personally, although I would love to (call me ;P), what I know is that you write this blog and you wrote that book, and you make people joyful and that, as far as I am concerned, is the best kind of success.
P.S. I took pictures of my messy house to share with everyone but I can’t figure out how to post them. I don’t even know if it is possible to post pictures in the comment section. If someone knows how I can share my disaster of a house with everyone! It is a perfectly normal, happy, disastrous home!
I feel like I just read my life vomited up on screen – but the good kind of vomit.
I say stupid stuff like “once my agent gets the book in front of the right publisher then I’ll be successful.” But in my heart I know it will be the same story, struggling to top myself, struggling to make my life seem just as normal as all those PTA moms that would rather talk Target than good literature. But not that I’m hating on Target. That place is pretty awesome.
But I do the same thing, run to my daughter. She has this open-hearted approach to life. I wish I could bottle it like a drug.
I don’t know if this will help, but here are the things I tell myself and my friends when we start to be overwhelmed by “imposter syndrome”.
– There is no trophy at the end of this journey. Not for best parent, best worker, best child, best friend, best parent. There will be no ceremony where the universe hands out awards. So there is no point in competing against others. Compete against yourself, try and do at least 1 thing better than you did yesterday. And if you don’t manage to do it, try again tomorrow. No trophy means you get all of the retries you need.
– There is no manual. In high school, I thought every other student had received the manual on how to be the student with all their shit together, it was just me that didn’t know what I was doing. As an adult, I’ve found that none of those people knew what they were doing….and for some reason, they all thought I had my shit together. This doesn’t change. The adults that look like they are doing everything right? They’re winging it too. We all are.
– You are allowed to screw up, just try and learn from your mistakes. One of my favorite shows is the Magic School Bus, in no small part due to Ms. Frizzle’s rallying cry of “Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!” Apologize if your mistake accidentally hurts someone else, try not to repeat your mistakes, don’t spend so much time beating yourself up that you lose the lesson.
– If you are miserable with your life….stop, think, and figure out something to change. It doesn’t have to be huge. Change up the oatmeal for cereal, buy yourself the flowers you crave, take the shower you’ve been putting off, clean the clutter of the counter that’s been driving you crazy. Little changes lead to big changes and have more of an impact than we realize.
– Do something to shut off the negative self-talk playing in your head. Write all of it out to get it out of your head, play your favorite music at top volume, find an easy read book and bury yourself in it, absorb yourself in a hobby, or do exactly what you just did. Ask for help. Talk to those you can be real with and who won’t brush you off with a list of all of the reasons you shouldn’t be feeling bad. Those lists aren’t helpful most of the time. We just need to know that we are not alone and that this feeling will go away again. Because we’re not, and it will.
Thank you for putting into words what I cannot express to myself and others
It is definitely not just you. I don’t know if I ever feel like I’m enough. I may have a few good days a month where I feel productive at work or home but in general all I can see are the things that aren’t what I think they should be. Other people hold me in high regard but they don’t know what’s inside me and all the things that I should be doing better.
I think maybe this is how it is for a lot of us. Maybe even “normal”. We try to hold ourselves to higher standards than we would ever hold others to and buy in to the bullshit notion that everyone else is some kind of superhero.
My advice to you would be “don’t be so hard on yourself about what you think is wrong, celebrate all that’s so very right”. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to take my own advice. Depression lies very convincingly.
I feel worst when I compare my life to people I knew in high school, or even my sister. It seems like everyone else is doing great in life and I am 30 and just getting by. My wife and I have started having some semi-serious conversations about having kids, but I don’t know where we would get the extra $12k each year for pre-school, and it struck me as very unfair that this door might be permanently shut for us.
However, I do think that only feeling good about your life 3-4 days each month is not good enough. Maybe adjust your expectations or thought processes about this, although I don’t know how. You have a wonderful family and regardless of whether or not you finish your second book, you have a great blog and my impression is that you were pretty good at HR before you left. You have accomplished a lot. 🙂
Let me first say the fact it took me five minutes to scroll down through all the comments so I could leave my own comment SCREAMS you are not a failure. You touch so many people (with your blog) of course maybe you do actually touch many people, I’m not judging. Your writing and the topics you choose are your gift. I’m constantly wondering when someone is going to realize that I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing at work but every day the work gets done and done well. If you look long enough you will see the fraudulence in everyone, I think most people fake it through life and put on a happy face to get through the day, some are just better at it and have better storage so you don’t see their dusty boxes from the previous move. I think those of us that question ourselves and our abilities are far more honest and much more real and human. You spend time with your daughter and that is a win in any book. Thank you for being you. You make me laugh and cry.
A friend of mine sent this post to me today, maybe it will help: http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html?m=1
I am so glad to see that so many people have responded because you are VERY DEFINITELY NOT ALONE. “Imposter syndrome” is such a perfect way to put this twisted POV. FWIW, here’s my experience with it: Having just updated my resume, I objectively can see that it seems pretty damn impressive. This would be bragging if I believed a word of it. I don’t–although the content is completely factual, it’s just the CV equivalent of dancing as fast as you can. The real truth, from my POV, is that I’m a total screw up who’s had many more than her fair share of lucky breaks thanks to years of sustained illusion. Whether or not that’s true isn’t the point. It feels true, which makes the nightly visits with The Insecurities very convincing.
BUT–there’s this and it is what really counts. Like you, I have a kid. He’s a really great one. If every single thing I do or don’t do my whole life is a complete loss, I did manage to produce him. Therefore, by any definition, I’m a success. AND SO ARE YOU.
Jenny, you know what’s so great about you is that you’re NOT perfect. NOBODY likes those perfect people who have it all together. Your strength and beauty lie in your willingness to to put it all out there and be you, the not-so-pretty as well as the wonderful. You bring to light what everyone else feels and hides behind a smile. There’s this song out there by Train, called “Bruises” that talks about how life beats up all of us, and those bruises are what make us human and draws us closer. You’re no fraud. You’re the real deal.
It’s not just you. I frequently have intense anxiety and shame about how little I accomplish. Most days I feel like I’m skating through on the absolute bare minimum. I have a full-time job, and just handling that takes so much effort and feels so exhausting that I spend most nights and weekends just watching TV. I buy lots of underwear so I can go a month without doing laundry. Sometimes I have to invite people over just so that I HAVE to clean my apartment. Some nights I don’t eat dinner because it’s just too hard to go to the store or cook. I spend way more than I can afford on takeout and delivery because I’m too lazy or too tired to feed myself. I check books out from the library and return them unread. I start projects and abandon them. There are so many things I want to do and feel like I should be able to do, but then another evening slips by in what feels like moments and all I’ve done is rewatch episodes of Portlandia and read blogs. And I never enjoy it as much as I should because of the guilt that I should be doing something better with my time. I should volunteer. I should learn a language. I should read more books, better books. I should read about philosophy. I should learn about physics. I should find a productive hobby. I should make things. I should be good at something.
I wish that I could do a lot more and be a much more productive person. I think there’s probably a middle ground that’s a bit better than where I am, where I accomplish enough to not feel so guilty when I just relax or have fun. I don’t know how to get there though.
One thing I will suggest is that, if you aren’t already, you make finding ways to exercise a priority. I am NOT naturally inclined to like exercise. I’m a total sloth. But the difference it makes in my energy and mood is something I don’t get from anything else, and after a few years of working at it and trying different things I’ve found a few that I actually enjoy. The pay off is so worth it, especially for someone who struggles with depression and anxiety. I can not tell you enough how much it will help if you start to do it regularly. And no matter what your physical limitations, there is a way around it if you get good advice. I particularly enjoy weight lifting (much less monotonous than cardio, and getting stronger feels AMAZING) and yoga (I just take a beginner’s class, and it’s relaxing while still being a good workout).
It’s wonderful to see how many people have already commented. It’s helped to try to read through them. It’s so many that I’m sure you won’t even have time to read my comment, but I’m going to comment anyways. It is almost amazing that you posted this now, considering the insane stress I have been suffering, not just the past month, but months. But this past month has been so bad, that I think I may have developed a panic disorder or anxiety issues. I’m not sure. I have a history of depression, and it’s entirely possible I’ve developed anxiety in the past but just treated it with the therapy I was doing for my history of depression. I have been off therapy, because I have been fine all things considered (plus I didn’t have health insurance for a while). But lately I have been just a gust of wind from going into panic attacks for weeks now, especially the past few days. I have curled up on the floor from sheer panic, because of all the work I need to do, because I guess I took on too much. Except this is supposed to be the career I’m going for, so how am I struggling so much to handle it, when others seem to do it. I’m struggling to handle part-time work and temporary positions, so how do people handle all of this full-time?? Here’s the thing, Jenny, Bloggess that I love and adore so much, I have a motherfucking PhD, yet I feel like I’m back in high school or college and the fucking English report is due tomorrow and I didn’t finish reading the book and everything is going to come crashing down any second now. I spent the entirety of grad school suffering from imposter syndrome, if not the majority of my school career. It doesn’t matter the accomplishments, because in my mind they are either not deserved or not enough compared to others. And it sucks feeling this way. It sucks worrying so much. I am literally making my body sick. But some days are better than others. I go through some short periods where I feel like maybe I’m not so bad after all, maybe I have a shot of getting my shit together. So I cling to that hope so tightly, the hope that one day I will finally get my shit together. And maybe there are some people that have their shit together and have it figured out. But I bet the vast majority of us are just comparing ourselves to some mythical people and really we’re all human and we all have times that truly suck like what you and I are going through. I always compared myself to my mother and figured she just somehow knows how to keep it all together and get it done and raise 3 kids and maintain a marriage and a high-powered career and investments and somehow stays sane with personal interests and happiness, so why can’t I get as good as she is? But it turns out she has stress and panics too. Because she’s human. We’re all human, so we all have room to improve. To be good at being human, I think, means being willing to keep trying to improve. Maybe it’s harder at times to actually show improvement, maybe sometimes we just need to stay alive – but that’s ok. Just gotta keep the hope and keep holding on and keep trying… These days, success is just to keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and just keep trying. Everything will be ok. You are ok. I am ok. Everything will be fine. These are the things I keep telling myself while I force myself to breathe. And when I forget and go into a panic, my boyfriend (thank God for him, the man you kindly helped a couple years ago wish me in an email a very special Happy Anniversary, the man that waited with me in that long line in LA to meet you and Copernicus) or my friend or my mom, someone will tell me this and force me to remind myself. Cuz sometimes that’s all you can do, just breathe and remind yourself that somehow, someway, in the end everything will be ok. Because it will. It just will.
I am very much the same as you and I’m not even successful at anything besides being a stay at home Mom for the past 10 years, which is a goal I set for myself, and I have worked REALLY fucking hard at it but seriously most days I FEEL like a complete loser.
My BFF who is very wise has helped me put things in perspective for me and a lot of the other Mom’s in the hood…says this:
“You only need to accomplish 1 AMAZING thing a day!”
Sometimes that Amazing thing is just making sure my kids ate breakfast and got on the bus on time. Oh and this day I remembered to brush their hair! So what if I spend the rest of the day in bed watching the Big C…amazing thing done for the day…
Or that I took a shower after the 4th day of not.
Or I paid 3 bills that have been sitting on my desk bugging me.
I did 1 load of laundry
I fed my family dinner, who the fuck cares that it was take out pizza..I MADE that shit HAPPEN! I put food in the bellies and they had smiles on their faces and that is AMAZING. JOB WELL DONE ME!
Dont worry about the PTA and shit, you seem to have AMAZING REALLY AWESOME priorities for your family and so they are QUIRKY…that beats ordinary any day…
So when you FEEL like this…and we all know feelings can lie just as much as depression…just stop and ask yourself..what ONE AMAZING thing did I do today? Let that be ENOUGH..because it is and you are!
I don’t have depression or anything like that, but I totally get it. I decided to stay home with my kids recently and the lack of structure or need to do anything besides feed them and wash poopy pants has really pushed me to the side of unproductivity. The perfect blog lives and Pinterest beauties makes it a million times worse and only fuels my shame, guilt, and sadness. I wish I could be like that, but I’m just not. There is also the life others think I have…probably a perfect beautiful one…and I don’t correct them. I probably don’t have a single productive day. But all of my productivity probably equals 3 or 4 days.
I am standing in a very crowded room with a giant window overlooking a gym in which my daughter is taking a gymnastics lesson. There are a lot of pastel people here and half as many chairs, which means most people are standing and totally blocking my view. I am pretending I can totally see past all these PTA moms and am watching my daughter cheerfully. but actually I can’t see anything and I feel like a dirtbag loser. I forced myself to come here instead of passing it off to my husband because good mothers take their daughters to gymnastics and watch them. I have massive social anxiety so i’m hoping no one speaks to me. I wish I had the guts to walk over to the frozen yogurt place because I’m craving peanut butter. But I can’t because I’m afraid to go by myself. I wish I could go wait in the car, but for some reason I’m afraid to leave this room. I’m sweating and I am afraid to take off my sweatshirt. Everyone here looks like they have their shit together. I am alone. A failure at being one of those moms who takes their daughters to activities. And socializes with the other moms and feels competent. And then I saw your post. And I almost cried, because now I know i’m totally not alone. and i’m not a failure. My daughter got to take gymnastics. She has two other after school activities. She’s happy, well adjusted, and doing normal things. I may not be making this look pretty, but I am fcking here and not hiding in my bed. today. Thank you for being here for me. You make the world a better place. You make MY world a better place. You couldn’t do that if you were a pastel mom. You couldn’t do that if you weren’t the way you are.
Dearest Jenny, you are not alone and NOBODY has perfect pastel lives, no matter HOW they look, act, or seem. Everyone has shit, it’s just a matter of how each of us deal with it, and sometimes it’s not pretty. And you know what? So what. So.fucking.what. Being a decent human being, showing kindness, compassion, and gratitude are what makes things bearable. Hug your kittens and your daughter and your husband. You want honesty, you got it-you’ve helped more people than you’ll ever know. I’ve laughed until I’ve cried, and cried until I’ve collapsed reading your posts and you know what always comes through? Your humanity and your perfection in being completely and utterly imperfect. Big hugs to you Jenny, you are loved for just being you.
I think most people spend a lot of time “just existing” rather than kicking ass. I don’t think that’s not normal at all. Particularly while raising a kid. You know what kills me? I work full time and am going to school part time, and I can barely keep up with both. I have friends who are married with multiple kids, work full time, and went back to school and handled it all. Meanwhile, my single, childless self is pulling all-nighters to keep up!
I’m spending most of my time right now just slogging through it all. The couple weeks I get in between classes, maybe I’ll feel a bit successful. But for right now, I’m learning that sometimes good enough is fine. I don’t have to get all A’s. No one cares if I get an A or a B in a class. If I can make it in to work on time, get the paper turned in, and still get enough sleep that I can function somewhat through the day, I figure I’m doing ok. (I’ve recently put my foot down about getting enough sleep too – I need to take care of me so I can function!)
And by the way, those pretty, shiny, happy snapshots of people’s perfect lives? That’s a lie too. No one is like that all the time. They just fake it at key moments, lol!
To answer your question, I’m not sure WHAT it is exactly that makes me feel like a successful human being. It certainly isn’t anything I’m doing on a day to day basis. I just try to get my obligations done and fit in a little time for things that make me happy.
Whenever I think I have failed at life (which is most days) I say “Wait a fucking minute! I ran away and joined the circus! Who can actually say that? I DESERVE to fuck off most of the rest of my life. I have accomplished something amazing already.” And then I crawl back to bed and watch videos of cats. In your defense YOU’VE WRITTEN A FUCKING BOOK!!! Who needs anything else? You’re golden. Go to bed and and get up when you feel like kicking a little more ass.
Nobody is as together as they look on the outside. You can’t use those pastel people as role models until you see them on their off days.
I know this post, because I’ve thought it a thousand times myself and I truly understand your sentiments.
How do I say something here that is different from the other 1800 comments already written?
I don’t, because they are all correct. And so are you. The problem is not you, Jenny. It is what society wants us to believe “success” is defined as. If snuggling with your daughter and maybe getting out of bed to pee and eat a sandwich (not simultaneously) is what you did today (note: not phrased as “ALL that you did” today) then you are a fucking brilliant success. Because you got through the day. Success is defined within. If you are constantly comparing yourself to those fake PTA twits or people on Facebook that only want you to see what they carefully choose for you to see, then you will NEVER be a success, because you are not defining your own success. Success needs to be what YOU want it to be, not what others try to tell you it is. There are too many bodies on this earth for every single one of them to be life-saving brain surgeons or award-winning scientists or whatever your misconception of accomplishment is. Do you know what MY definition of success is? Accepting myself as good. And it’s a fucking tough job sometimes, but you know what? Good enough is still good. It’s still success. Don’t buy into the bullshit Jenny – it’s not your style. Define for YOU what YOUR success means and accept it. Strive for it, if you don’t feel you’re there yet, but at least define it for yourself instead of letting others do that. You don’t let anyone else define what you should write about or the kind of person you should be, so why surrender your own input on the definition of success? A very wise woman, beautifully flawed and tarnished but still very wise, once told a helluva lot of people “Depression lies”.
Don’t let that liar, or anyone else but you, define your success for you.
What everybody else said. You sound pretty normal to me. If anything, I think we all expect too much from life. Or we expect the wrong things from life. It’s supposed to be its own reward. Much better than Option B. We should be satisfied with that. We’re all impostors. To be good at life you have to find the role for which you have the right costumes. Then your audience will not be confused about who you’re supposed to be. It looks to me like you’ve found that role, and we, your audience, are not confused. Or disappointed. The proof is we keep coming back. To be happy in your role, and in your life, you have to communicate with people who matter. That would be Victor and Hailey, your close friends, and sometimes us, your anonymous friends. People are the answer to happiness. People.
Hey Jenny,
First you are probably right…you are sucking at life (the way you just described it)…but who’s definition is this? I think you would be sucking more if you weren’t there at home for halley and victor and of course your menagerie! Who says that winning at life is being on point 30 days a month or even 10 days a month?
Be kind to yourself! If each day you greet the day and do all that you can (even when all you can do is hide) you have been successful. For each day you tried and on the days that rock…you killed it! On the days that sucked, well you survived! Each day you give it a go and that is great!
We should not be ashamed to be who we are…even if some days that is less than we expect! Each day is a brand new slate so it seems to me that you are doing great! Today you wrote a blog and started an awesome conversation….that is killing it if you ask me!! if you are lucky you may even be so successful enough to feed yourself dinner!
We love you….and I sure hope you can feel us here willing to lift you up if you need it!
T
1911 comments so far? What’s another on the pile, right?
I am completely convinced that you see all of those perfect people the same way that people see you. If you think you’re an imposter, I’m sure they are going through the same thing.
I don’t really have an pretense of having it all together, but then I really don’t have it together. I do have a few days each month where I think I’ve accomplished something. Usually that comes when I do something cool in a video game, but whatever. You are absolutely not the only one.
P.S. Also, just as a side-note, many moms feel this way. What we are expected to be in this day and age is “super-mom” in which we juggle children, a full-time job, and our sanity. Its grande that we as women have come so far in a working society that equates labor beyond labor pains in the delivery room…yay for being equal to stressed out men with receding hairlines? Personally, without subjecting the women of the world to barbaric regression, I find that to be insulting, that we are supposed to now equate ourselves with men in the workplace and still change diapers, make dinner, and carry the HOME. We are stretched beyond ‘thin’ in this hair-thinning, glamor skinny-jean wearing reality that dictates who and what we should be! The truth is that we all have a stack of dirty clothes and miscellaneous junk piles, and we all have dancing skeletons in our closets! My biggest quarrel with society is that we as women are made to think that we are awesome because we are SUPER MOMS (lmao) when in fact we are tired-ass pill junkies with low self-esteem because somewhere down the road our natural roles of nurturing protective maternal care-takers became synonymous with inequality to men…I take offense to that. I take offense that my worth and value whether monetarily achieved, socially recognized, or otherwise is subjected to an unrealistic standard and notion that I’m a God damn Super Hero. I say hang up the cape and slap the asshole who started that shit!
You’re not alone. Not at all.
*Not being very good a being a person.*
I recognize that. For a long while, such a long time, I was an excellent slug. I moved very slowly, watched countless, pointless hours of tv. Agonized over the simple steps of showering to grocery shop. Agonized over every look anyone shot my way, and every conversation I had. Struggled to keep my husband and my mother from guessing how much a non-person I was. Yelled at my children from the chair or couch for not being able to clean spills or feed themselves. I don’t know what changed to make me able to write this in past tense. But I do know that it has taken many years. I still have many days where all I can successfully accomplish are countless griddlers. But they are getting fewer, as time goes on. You, Jenny, that show me that I am not alone. You and every person who has commented. We are all so very similar, I can be fairly certain that when I go to the grocery store, or to work, that when I try to make decent conversation with someone and it FAILS, I can laugh it off with that person, and know that they will have suffered some kind of neurological fail as well, recently. You all have taught me that!
After reading over the above, I have decided to post it even though my thoughts wander and I may have missed my point slightly. Because I think you all understand what I am saying!
Not only is it not just you, it is actually almost all of us! The truth is, most of us don’t feel, on the inside, the way we portray ourselves (or are portrayed). Media of all types leads us to believe that perfection (a la Angelina Jolie) is not only attainable, but expected (after all, who would really choose to be a half assed slacker?). Fact is, we don’t see the truth behind the facade…and we aren’t encouraged to show our own truth. Like many people, I suffer from these feelings also. What helps? I try hard not to judge myself, but to continually try to perceive how others view me. Sounds backwards, I know, but I find my friends and colleagues are always kinder, gentler and more accepting of me, than I am of myself. Allowing myself to feel that is frequently the reminder I need that I am pretty darn good, exactly as I am. And I swear its true that by sharing your own imperfections (which, thankfully for the rest of us, you do!) rather than exposing your weaknesses you are actually allowing the people in your life to form a deeper connection with you. After all, who really wants to be friends with someone who is perfect? Can you imagine the pressure?
I’m a psychiatrist in a state hospital. I give myself every single day to a population that has been forgotten by their friends, their families, and the world. And I’m good at it. And I give fully, and I give with compassion. And that’s all well and good, but that’s as productive as I get. 7 hours per weekday, and that’s all I have, and only because I have to if I want an income.
Besides that? I barely do shit. My house is filthy – I literally clean like once every 8-12 weeks. I don’t dry my hair in the morning anymore. I hate “nights out” with friends and would much rather sit at home with my husband and our dog. I moved in with my husband 7 years ago and still haven’t unpacked all of my boxes, and I’m not motivated to. I don’t cook dinner. My husband and I don’t have children by choice, so I can’t even say that I’m a busy mother.
The truth is, my way to re-energize and to fill myself back up again after a trying day is to go back inside myself with a book, my laptop, or Netflix. My husband and I have the ability to connect silently in a room together, and so he requires very little of me. We cuddle at night, and that’s wonderful. I’d rather live my life by my terms, and as long as I’m not hurting anyone, then I’m okay. I don’t need to be anything else but me.
Jenny, you’re a wife, a mother, an author, and I’m betting you’re a friend to a few people. Those jobs are the important ones, and you do them. You might do them your way, but you do them. Everything else? Clean hair, getting out of pajamas, becoming a PTA mother, and being super-homework-mom? It’s gravy. It is gravy. Because when you die, no one’s going to talk about how awesome you were in the PTA. They’re going to remember you for the jobs that you did well – the important ones.
I feel like this pretty often too. I think part of my problem is no matter what I accomplish I feel that I could have done more or done it better. I don’t even have to compare myself to other people to feel like this. I can just compare myself to my own perceived potential. I will never get all of the projects done, paintings painted, books read/written, house cleaned, meals prepared that I know I could do if I just worked harder/smarter/with more enthusiasm. It’s not possible to do all of it really, but in my mind it should be and so I fail daily. Permission to fail and to be OK with that is something I work on all the time. Some days are good and some days are bad. I don’t have any advice to give or any solutions, but I do know this. We always do more than we think we do, even on the days it feels like we didn’t do anything useful. We are also not bad at life, even though it feels like we are sometimes. We just live our lives differently than the status quo and feel that insane pressure to fit in more on some days than on others. Most importantly, this feeling passes.
Sweetie. Can I tell you a secret? That all your other commenters will see and it won’t be a secret any longer?
I once stopped talking to/hanging out with a very sweet young lady, SAHM, three kids, who was one of those shiny, amazing people who had her shit completely together. I stopped talking to her because I couldn’t handle the fact that when I was around her I felt like a complete, utter failure. She was baking bread for her kids and all I could manage was Spaghetti-Os and hot dogs. I just quit calling and emailing.
I get this. You are NOT a failure. You are NOT living just a half-life. You ARE a good mother and a good person and very creative and shit. That second book? Will get written when it gets written and don’t worry about it. Homework is overrated anyway. And Spaghetti-Os are fucking awesome.
I share a lot of the same feelings but I haven’t written any NYT best sellers. While most of my house is presentable, you wouldn’t want to see what the basement (and select other areas) look like. I feel successful maybe half of the time, the rest of the time I am worrying that I have screwed up my kids, am killing myself with the chemicals I am exposed to at work, can’t budget, waste too much time, etc. You are definitely in good company looking over the comments.
I do understand how you feel. I’m really smart, emotional (read high strung), and a little bit crazy. My friends were always fantastic. My oldest friend (we met in 6th grade) was student of the month (a bunch of times), PTA president, her house is always clean, and she gets all her Christmas shopping done on Black Friday. I was/am often a wreck. I never made student of the month, my house is a disaster, I doubt if i could be the president of my own fanclub, and if I get my shopping done by Christmas Eve it’s a miracle. If I use her as my yardstick I am a dismal failure. Clearly my life was meant for another purpose, thank God as I would have been miserable (except the student of the month part). My children are loving well adjusted people, I am a great friend/wife/daughter/sister, and the left overs in my refrigerator will eventually cure the common cold. It’s all in your perspective.
For what it’s worth, your book and your blog have enriched my life. You make me laugh, you’ve made me cry, and I have texted pictures of metal chickens to my friends. Don’t forget your Red Dress Project. You have made countless women feel beautiful.
I’ve felt like crap 80% of the time for the past 14 years. I cry daily. If Ihave the motivation to brush my teeth it is a big deal.
I have tons of not yet started “projects” and the grass in my back yard is actually about 5′ tall – weeds. The most I accomplish is to shower once a week and wash my hair – if that. I feed the animals (3 dogs, 2 cats) and keep them healthy and up to date on all vet appointments. That is my life’s responsibility, they are dependent on me.
That takes my energy for the year.
Oh, if I water the plants that is also a big deal. I only attend to the most necessary chores like replacing the toliet paper and turning on the dishwasher. It might take me 2 weeks to empty the dishwasher and that is not a pretty sight.
The laundry from last winter is still in the bsasement and you know what? I don’t give a shit. I have worked my whole life (RN) and I’ve been unemployed since last Dec. 2012. I just don’t want to DO IT anymore. None of it. I never want to “work” again, or be held accountable for anything remotely important. Who cares? I live alone.
Don’t come over. Don’t call.
Leave me alone and I am quietly happy.
You are not alone girl.
I don’t have depression, but my mother always had and while I probably can’t relate to that aspect, I like to think I understand.
I’ve seen my mum say crazy irrational things when life is not that bad, and I try to do my best to let her see that the way she sees herself is not how others see her.
As for me, I definitely don’t feel like every day is a win, but generally I don’t keep a tally. I think I’m distracted by going through the motions every day, and only notice when I have a particularly good day (ie getting a new job) or a particularly bad day (ie working til 4am in the morning) that makes me think back on the whole about how good v bad my life is.
My days are just days, and I probably have a good 7 days a month where I really feel like I’ve succeeded in life. I’m probably rounding up.
I’m getting better at not comparing myself to other people, and that’s helping. Either that or just not caring about things that shouldnt matter to me.
That probably wasn’t helpful, but hope you know that we readers think you’re awesome.
If I feel competent twice a month then I feel like I’m doing pretty well. My website is still down, I haven’t done the thing I wanted to do for my father before he died, let alone afterwords, the list goes on. I think all those people who look confident, and act like they know exactly what they’re doing, are either faking it, or don’t really look at themselves.
If i get one day a week where I feel like I actually accomplished something, then that was a good week. So 3-5 days a month is about right.
I feel the worst in the weeks where I both do not set a goal and do not get anything done (correlation maybe)? I don’t feel bad when I set a goal that I do not meet as long as I actually did something toward the goal. Setting a goal and then not working towards it somehow does not make me feel as bad as not setting a goal. I guess the act of setting a goal is doing something at least.
I am still searching for something that works to make me feel more successful.
Yesterday. Yesterday was a good day.
I think by the first hundred or so comments that I read that you are not alone. And while I would say I rarely feel like I didn’t get anything done – I beat myself up for the time I (don’t) spend with my kids. (or how for 4 years I had a whole other identity digitally – she was way more fun and together than me – which is funny, since you know, I was her). I know what I do when I am at work. I know what I accomplish, and I have taken to trying to celebrating the small stuff, because some days that is all I get. And I am trying to take that same approach with the whole spending time with the kids thing (i do love them to death) and other little things like seeing that I actually got off the sofa after the kids go to bed and go for a walk (or prancercise – kinda, but never in public). I guess all that ramble was about making a conscious effort to see the glass as half full (or imagine it is vodka – then it doesn’t matter) so that at the end of the day, there is likely something that I can look back on and say ‘I did that’ rather than ‘here is a list of all the things I didn’t do’.
Wow. I ramble. But I do – but today I might add random blog post as an accomplishment for today. I don’t really care what anyone else accomplished.
For me, a reality check usually involves reminding myself that yes, I’m living my life in a way that’s pretty much centered around my core values. Integrity, compassion and genuine kindness are regular parts of my day, and I try to aim some of that kindness towards myself.
I also find it helpful to remember that the shiny, happy people I know are mostly just putting on a front, designed for public consumption. Sure, some of them are probably actual sociopaths, or just kind of shallow, but I honestly think the vast majority are people just like us, trying to figure out how to live our lives from one moment to the next.
So many people seem to honestly believe that the surface we see is the only reality. Those of us who’ve struggled with mental illness (our own or that of someone else) don’t have the luxury of pretending this is true.
Most of the people I meet only see the bits of me on the surface, and I find it laughable that people think they actually know me, soul deep, based on casual acquaintance. It makes their more petty minded judgements easier to shrug off, which is helpful on tougher days. There are parts of myself I simply don’t share with others, mostly because I don’t have an SO or any kind of meaningful BFF. That stuff is still true, even if no one knows it.
It’s always baffled me that so many people live their lives with so much hypocrisy. Living with integrity and honesty really does help keep me centered, even if other people find it kind of embarrassing.
I can’t keep track of other people’s self-delusions (the ones that pop psychologists claim are a self esteem booster or whatever, the way they see themselves as opposed to the way they genuinely are), so I know I probably wound their feelings more than I’d like, but then again, if their sense of self is built on a foundation of pride and self delusion, do I really have an obligation to hold their little hand every time I interact with them? How many times to we have to have the heart to heart about all of their insecurities? I try to respect them, but can’t be expected to keep track of all of them and tiptoe on eggshells every moment of every day. I really struggle with that one, and try not to feel evil just because I truly can’t keep up with whichever semi-truth is passing for gospel in every given moment.
Human interactions are complicated and multi-layered, and people who claim otherwise are kidding themselves.
I need quiet time away from others just to keep myself centered. Does that make me crazy, or just sensitive to the exhausting mind games of others?
Honestly? You sound pretty normal to me. The fact that you even consider the more existential issues puts you ahead of most people of my acquaintance who would just make a rude noise to shut down the possibility of discussion on the topic, and think of some not so clever descriptive words to aim at me just to change the subject.
It’s been a while since I’ve done one of those Myers Briggs type assessments, but I’m one of those existential type thinkers too. Thinking about how our lives interact, where we fit in the cosmic scheme of things, whether it matters, etc., is just normal for me.
I do think part of the work I have to do in life in managing my own self-care, has to do with regulating, moderating, and observing my own behavior so I don’t wind up obsessing. Obsessing in itself really doesn’t do me much good, so I try to notice it when it’s happening, and do something about it.
Sorry to ramble, HTH!
I am sitting here debating on whether or not I should even comment because there are over a thousand comments above mine and I totally don’t feel like I can come up with anything clever enough to stand out, or that will add anything to what’s already been said, or be of any use. I will simply say that you are so far from alone it is staggering. I could’ve written all of those same words, Jenny (OK, not as well, but you get my drift). I feel this same way each and every day and just about the only time that I can feel like I’m doing any of this right is to spend real time with my own daughter, Olivia (also our only). I do this every single day as well, but I also lay my head on the pillow every single night and wonder if I’ve done enough for her to be considered a “good” mom by her/society/etc. I work full-time and worry full-time and there’s very little time after doing those things to feel like I’ve got any of this shit handled. Thank you, Jenny.
Judging by the THOUSANDS of comments above, no, you’re not alone.
I think anyone who attempts any kind of public creativity has had this experience. It’s a terrifying thing to do if you know deep down that you’re just this little person held together with a million sticky flaws.
You can’t compare that inner sticky reality with the fantastic veneer that everyone seems to have but you. (Well, of course you CAN, but it really really hurts.)
I have these phantoms chase me around too, and I’m so envious when I see someone just breezily do things that practically make me crap myself. Sometimes I remind myself of the experience I had first taking anti anxiety meds. Everything felt so much easier. When you have those kinds of issues, you’re adding 50 lb weights to every appendage on your body. The fact that you’ve done anything BUT carry those weights is pretty fucking impressive to me.
I know you’re already doing everything the best way for you, but if you still want to do something to feel like you’re moving things in a different direction, I offer you these. They’ve helped me IMMENSELY in my own work to teach my inner demons to mambo.
1-Hakomi, a somatic based therapy, worked much better than talk therapy. It’s very gentle and very effective.
2-Brene Brown’s books on shame, I know you’re aware of her! Treat yourself to a re-read of I Thought It Was Just Me.
3-Gentleness, curiosity, and friendliness towards that poor brain that’s working so hard to figure it all out.
4-When the comparison monster hits me, I go somewhere natural, so I can remember that success is just another construct. It’s not actually real.
If any of this helps, awesome. If not, toss it. I’m going to go on thinking you’re super rad anyway.
Your post gives me hope. Most days I feel like I stand out like a sore thumb in comparison to those perfect (picnic having) people. But your post reminds me that there are more of us “normal” people in the world than the perfect people. So I don’t feel quite as alone when I remember that. Thank you. This also reminds me of one of my favorite quotes; “If you don’t like how things are, change it. You’re not a tree” (I think by Jim Rohn?). This doesn’t really help since it’s easier said than done but I think it’s a funny quote anyway. In any case, I’ll keep reading your blog (and books) even if you don’t feel perfect or successful! I actually think that’s what gives you your edge.
As someone who has bi-polar and anxiety disorder, I have about 3/4 the days in a month that I feel I got something accomplished, even if its one thing on my list, and the other 1/4 I’m lucky I showered and ate something before I have to get the kids from school. I’m not the mom who volunteers for the PTA (or in our case the Home School Association), I don’t coach sports and I only volunteer at school when its my turn on the concessions schedule and I can’t get my husband to do it. I forget to return the forms and certificates until harassed by email. I deal with my kids coaches and teachers via email since I hate talking on the phone.
It’s difficult having a mental illness in a sea of “normal” people (or those who have it better controlled and keep it quiet). Its also difficult for me because when I do offer to help, I get the message I shouldn’t bother because I’m not the pretty/skinny mom, I’m the alternative mom in black with her Converses while all the other moms are wearing designer clothes and heels. I’d rather hang out with my kids or the few friends who get it or the biological/marriage family who gets it than be surrounded by my kids classmates “perfect” parents who don’t understand why I’ve had six beers at the get-together cause I’m so damn nervous and paranoid dealing with the perfect people.
So I can completely relate to this post and while keeping a gratitude journal (my analysts’s suggestion) has helped I still struggle most days. Truth be told, one of the things that has helped me a lot is a good case of the “fuck it’s”. Strangely enough I find the “fuck it’s ” give me freedom from the pressure of trying to make my funky self fit. I also hang onto the idea and feeling that the I get from the quote “If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning!”. At least in someway it makes all of my funky and my weird feel like it could be useful…if not for me than at least for someone else.
Me, too #1000something.
I usually just lurk, but will use the opportunity to tell you how much I love you and what you do.
I could have described myself as a fairly successful scientist when I was young. I am doing good work in my current profession – but… there are people who are better, more talented smarter… and These days I never feel successful or as I’ve been kicking ass.
But it only really bothers me a few days a month, and has nothing to do with hormones, I’m past that – and then I usually manage to kick myself out of it.
Sometimes I ask myself if I have a gene defect, brain damage? Am I even human?
I never get things nice and shiny as mum or mil did.
I don’t fit the standards, don’t have kids, none of the normal, shiny stuff.
Sometimes that makes me sad and I feel like a failure.
And then I remind myself who sets these standards.
Do I really want to live and think like mum or mil did? Hell, no, of course not.
Do I really want to follow the soap opera lifestye of the shiny people? Hell no, of course not.
Do I want to accept others’ definition of what makes my life successful? Hell, no.
Reminding myself of what I really want and wanted to be helps me. I still feel like a failure sometimes, because there are things I did or didn’t do that go against who I want to be. But the good thing is: you never need to stop at becoming who you want to be.
Bitching and snarking about the perfect people with a like-minded friend helps, too.
And some of them actually are smart and nice when you get to know them, and have their own problems.
So, for me it goes: do what is necessary to keep a decent life – by realistic standards, not something advertisers try to brainwash us with. Apart fom that, be creative, be yourself and not a clone.
I don’t really think we can be called normal with the fraud-syndrome. I think it needs a certain type of character, and sadly enough, it mostly affects smart, reflective and compassionate people. But to me it is helpful to realize that I don’t really want to be someone without self-doubt, without reflection.
A bit more success and recognition would be nice. But as I’m not dead yet (though much older than you 😉 ), I can keep trying. Despite all the feelings of being inadequate, deep down, I know I’m strong. And so are you.
Smoochies.
Ok, so I don’t know why I’m bothering to write this cause you’ve got about 600 pages of good ideas to read before you get to this, and with your crappy attitude you won’t get this far, but here goes.
No, it’s not funny.
What the hell makes you think you’re any different than 99.9% of all the shinney bright people you seem to envy? We all feel like we never get crap done until we’re pushed to the wall to do something, either.
You got “mental Illness”? yeah well so do we, and we’re suckerpunched by them all the time. ADD? never been without it. depression? kinda like Joe Bliffspick (if you don’t know that one check out Lill Abner).
Kicked ass? well I’ve got Theater and the night my character was hissed was great but that was once in a career, Oh, and when my Lady said she would marry me, that’s kept me going for a hell of a long time. Every once in a while my kids tell me they love me, and that helps, but “Kicked Ass”?? psht.
What do I do?….I bake something, or cook something, others tell me it’s great but all I taste is what’s missing….
Changes? good fucking luck on that one, I have a hell of a time changing much in my life, I’m fat and lazy and that’s going to kill me quite literally, and I can’t seem to do ANYTHING about it.
I know you come kick my ass and I’ll kick yours…if Victor doesn’t mind.
Therapy?…..good on ya’ I’ll hope for the best.
We’re all Human, well except for Dick Cheney, and that whole “I’m not as good a that guy over there” thing is part of the human condition, it’s what keeps us moving forward, maybe not very fast but at least it’s movement or that’s what I tell myself…..even jello moves as it melts.
Failing’s the best thing I’ve ever done, I do try not to make the same failing more than 20 or 80 times, but that’s because I’m a slow learner…..
except for knitting never could retain how the hell to do that.
P. P. S. I apologize for any offense caused by what may seem like vulgar language in my last post to you! I do not, however, apologize for being a girl or for being a mom, or for not being a super mom with a flawless life and enchanted make-believe-princess reality that I we as girls so often dream of and aspire to be in our daily waking REAL lives. I love that I can every now and then make a flawless pot pie or plant flowers that actually stay alive for awhile, or paint when my back doesn’t creak up on me and give out, or find time and energy to play a game of Clue or Monopoly with my daughter and her boyfriend. These are the moments to be stock-piled—they are priceless and no amount of time, money, or measurement will ever compare. Those who drive around in their SUV living rooms on wheels realities with their children scarfing fast food in the back seat while plugged into cartoons on their mini-tv’s are not to be envied! Its not that I discount modern technology and all the wondrous conveniences, its just there is much more to be appreciated for those simple, messy, inane moments in life that we rarely give ourselves credit for and that rarely get recognized in a society that demands “evidence” of our contribution…well to those who can’t SEE, the evidence is in our creativity, our loving hearts, and our ability to tolerate their ASSHOLE non-nonsensical wisdom, or lack thereof!! Cheers 😀
I lurk but haven’t commented, and maybe this will be lost amidst the others –
but the way i mellowed out my depression is to think of something else.
(For me, depression was ‘mild’ and not clinical, and I believe in God, so I thought on faith)
. But there was a quote about how a rose and a weed cannot occupy the same place. Human minds can usually only focus on one thing at a time.
Instead of the negative thought of imposter or lack of ‘win’, think and enjoy Dr. Who and fanfics and your family and weird taxidermy and cute+creepy dolls and just enjoy and think about the stuff like that. RELISH in your strange strange weird but relatable self. You said that you wrote as an outlet, so write crazy things and then throw them figuratively at your editor for them to assemble something out of it. 🙂
Jenny-
You already have over 1,000 comments on this post, so it is hard for me to imagine that I’m going to say something that you haven’t read already. Twice. Even so, I think it is a legitimate inquiry and I want to answer it.
I think it is hard to really know how well anyone else is hanging on. We only get to see the public faces and can’t possibly know what is happening underneath. And having access to all our own drama, struggle, fears and failures makes it hard to really see ourselves. Feeling like an imposter when we show only our public selves but know all the messiness that lies underneath makes perfect sense.
All that being said, it seems to me, you should feel satisfied with your life and your ability to manage it more than a few days a month. It sounds to me like you are still being lied to by depression.
They showed this video to us at work recently and it was intersting. Actually, it made me cry, so maybe not a great thing to view if you are feeling vulnerable. I think the intention is to help foster empathy and compassion in care givers & people who work in health care, but it can also be viewed as a reminder that everyone you see has something going on underneath the facade they are letting you see.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zh55e6U_XPM&feature=fvwrel
You deserve to be happy more days than it sounds like you are.
If your Husband and kid are both happy how can you even consider yourself as having failed. Family first and the rest of us are gravy….
I want to be my cat. I think if I’m really, really good (I probably have already missed the boat on that) I’ll be reincarnated as a domestic cat. Seems like bliss to me. Eat, lick, sleep. But I wasn’t born a cat so I have to keep reminding myself to not be envious.
I wrote a poem in college that has ended up resonating in my mind for years. It goes like this:
“Why?
For the milliseconds of uncompromising beauty.”
It’s a pretty short poem which highlights my abilities in the department of underachieving… BUT if you can read it and remind yourself that happiness is like that, it often lasts a millisecond then it is gone, you will be reminded that happiness is not a naturally sustained feeling. It is a moment of wonder amid a sea of monotony. You need to be weird. You do not need to be a pastel PTA princess. Embrace yourself and look for your own milliseconds of beauty. Some days you will be overwhelmed by a meteor shower of joy. Some days you’ll have your head turned as the bliss zips by. Some days you’ll get it all wrong. Just know you MUST KEEP LOOKING.
I gave up on PTA years ago. Not because I don’t appreciate the people who are active in the PTA but because it didn’t work for me. I give back in other ways. Some days it’s through volunteering to do the work no one else wants to do and some days it’s adding perspective to a conversation and some days it’s for being no one but myself- which means staying in my jammies all day with frizzy hair, communicating as little as possible. Nothing is more meaningful in this life than being REAL and then working on improving this journey for others AND yourself. We all do this different ways. We all struggle. Every day. The cleaned up perfect perky moms may really be struggling more than you- they just forgot the part about being REAL and they are better at following unwritten rules. Thank God for people who are not so good at following those rules. Keep up the good, hard work and know when you are lazy and dirty and lying in bed there are other people out there doing whatever shitty thing they have to do thinking about taxidermied animals and fake cocaine stores and they are smiling.
I know you’re not looking for praise but I must tell you that you accomplish SO much every time you write. You truly are a healer. On days you are funny I laugh, on days you are introspective I ponder, but I am always affected in a positive way, and I am just one of thousands!
I am at my worst when I feel myself getting frustrated after my 7yo daughter has said Mommie? for the 47th time in a row without being followed by an actual question, like she’s just getting a feel for the sound “Maaammmeee”. I feel better when I am able to let it roll off my back. Actually I feel better when I am able to let anything roll off my back because it usually sticks like taffy.
My biggest accomplishments are those that go by as the least noticed. Holding the door open for a stranger, waving to a neighbor, petting a dog. When I make an effort to consider the needs of others is when I feel the most connected to humanity (or canineity? I think that should be a real word), and that feeling of connectivity is both humbling and inspiring.
Today was one of my rare ‘productive’ days, and all I did was go to the bank and then to a couple of government offices to file some paperwork. I left the house at 10, got in at 5, and am so tired I can’t even stand it. I need to get up tomorrow to go job searching and the thought of having to get out of bed in the morning makes me want to cry. I agree with drs that I have anxiety, but I’m not so sure about the depression. I am tired all of the time, so they say that means I’m depressed… but I’m generally not particularly sad or anything. And the meds help a smidge, but I’m not sure that tiny bit of help is definitive proof. I have 2 days a month on average where I feel like I think normal people feel. For those 2 days I can wake up with energy, cook breakfast, wash dishes, do all the chores, and be smiley and happy all the way through till bedtime. Then I have another few success days that are like today, where I can get critical tasks accomplished but I feel awful and overwhelmed the whole day. I wish I could figure out what the problem is and fix it. I really miss being whole, and if I don’t get my shit together I’m really going to miss having a house and food to eat. I’m on the brink of losing everything because I can’t function – and help is nowhere to be found.
“They never wait until Thursday night to help their kid with the entire week’s homework. They don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last. ”
Yes, they do. They’ve just gotten really good at shoving the boxes in rooms that they carefully prevent you from seeing when you visit.
Most bloggers I read talk about how the “others” seem to have it together. I think NO ONE really has it together, but some are better at faking it than others.
It’s funny you asked these questions on the day that I let my kids watch TV for two hours so I could take a nap and when I awoke my youngest had brown sugar ringing his mouth. He had eaten it right out of the container. With his fingers. I felt like a super failure. Not only did I let TV watch them when they should have been outside playing, but he gorged himself on pure sugar. That being said, I think you’re being way to hard on yourself. Perfectionism is an illusion. No one is perfect and those that appear to be usually are lacking in some critical part of their life. I left a comment on an old post of yours when I was feeling really down and desperate and you answered and I felt so. much. better. Please give yourself a break. You are a good person and that’s what counts. And thank you. So much.
you sound like a regular person to me. Some days I get stuff done. Most day I don’t. I’ve come to terms with that. If anyone thinks I’m not good enough, I don’t need them.
I’m good enough. And so are you.
“It’s just that at the end of each day I usually lie in bed and think “Shit. I’m fucking shit up. I accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing.” I feel like I’m treading water and that I’m always another half-day behind in life. Even the great things are overshadowed by shame and anxiety, and yes, I realize a lot of this might have to do with the fact that I have mental illness, but I still feel like a failure more often than I feel like I’m doing well.”
This is me… If I were to think about it and add up the days I do not feel like a total waste of oxygen, it would be roughly 4 days a month. This may not be full days, most are partial days added together. Even when I am told I do well at my job (911) I don’t see it. All I can see is what I did not do right or feel like it was not that big of a deal because although I may have done that right, I do not feel like a person who deserves to be praised.
I recently lost my mom which has made things even worse. The one person I could count on to make me feel like I was not a waste is gone. I can probably count the days of the last month I’ve felt whole and worth while on one hand and have at least 3 fingers left. All I see in the mirror (if I even look at one) are my failures, the negatives about me, and how I am not what I should be (what that is I do not know, I just do not feel it is what I am).
At this stage in the game you know all there is to know
It is what it is and you live with it.
One day at a time.
Surviving the exigencies of everyday life is enough. It is all most of us can manage most days.
And you know, most of us feel the way you do a lot of the time.
BUT if you feel terrible 90% of the time, then I think perhaps a different therapist or other reassessment may be in order. NOT because you should be DOING more, but any living being deserves to be CONTENT more often than not.
For me personally, getting my ADD under control has done more to help with Anxiety/depression than anything else – it may be different for you. But look into some different options – something is not quite working for you.
I’m not speaking for everyone, but I am. Everyone feels like this. Sometimes for weeks or years, sometimes 27 days a month. I feel like this quite frequently. I spent all of Labor Day weekend holed up watching movie re-runs and drinking wine….because it was too fucking hot to go outside. Otherwise I would have spent it reading a book on the patio, drunk, listening to Pandora with my dogs and my boyfriend. Life is fucking hard. The people who make it look easy are lying to make other people feel worse.
I believe that the reason that you have so many followers to your blog is that EVERYONE feels exactly the way that you do but you are the one putting it into words. I am sure your depression and anxiety make it worse but most people feel as if we are “acting.” I also believe that facebook and the media make it “appear” that there are these perfect lives out there but that is all smoke and mirrors. The reality is that we are all just trying to make it through the day and to outsiders, it looks like “we” have it all together. I believe that the trick is to just try to live in this moment in time, appreciate what is in front of you (don’t look back or forward) and do the best that you can (try not to look at other’s lives because we never know what their private pain is) and most importantly….bring laughter into your life. Sounds like that it exactly what you are already doing…..
No, other people aren’t as together and you think. Most just hide it and don’t talk about IE they aren’t honest about it.
That clean car, PFFT! No they just dumped their trash in the garage before leaving.
PTA- RUN! It’s not as fun as it looks, you’ll be the one they make do all the crap jobs coz ya new.
I spend most of my nighs wondering how that voice got in my head, most people hear their OWN voice when thinking in their own head. Me, I dont it’s someone elses voice. Not sure who but they sound freakin awesome. SO then I spend time just listening to that voice thinking how awesome it is.. Then I freak out beause the idea of being alive is just weird. I know my heart beats (i check my pulse) and I’ve a brain (EEG done as a kid) but really it’s just cells slapped together in a wet sac, then forced out nine months later. More time is spent watching food cook to make sure it’s really done.
I’m alive, not sure how. I’m just human bits in a skin bag.
I will post this and then wonder, crap did I make sense, nope beat I didn’t then sneak back an hour later to see if others have commented and hope no one pointed out my freakish way of thinking.
You can be failing if you have a huge Metal ROOSTER! I don’t so I guess I am.
Dear Jenny,
A little over a year ago, my fiancé died. Two weeks ago, my best friend’s teenage son was killed in a car accident. I’m not saying this to make some asshole point about gratitude or to make you feel bad about feeling bad. Pain is pain, and I would far prefer that no one else ever join our horrid little club. But I’ve learned some important things about myself and I hope this will help you.
Seriously, Jenny, just do your best and it will be ok. And it doesn’t even really matter what your best looks like. I have a hole in me that I will carry around forever, and I can’t even imagine what my friend is going through. But I know that my hole isn’t corrosive, it won’t get bigger or swallow me alive like I once thought it would. And I know that because I loved him and did the best I could every day. I know this will not destroy my friend because there was not one cell of her son that didn’t know he was loved when he died.
I was not the most awesome girlfriend that ever walked. There were days when my best was angry, or impatient, or selfish. My friend is the mother of four, I know some days her best was not pretty, not patient. Maybe the best she could do some days was pray for silence and a few minutes alone. But it was enough. Jenny, YOU ARE ENOUGH.
I believe your daughter is your first priority. I believe you’re doing your best for her everyday. I do not believe that involvement in the PTA is a bright line for doing your best. Does she know that no matter what she does you will always love her, always think she’s the greatest? Then you are an amazing mother and a successful human being. And when the shit goes down, that will be what saves you.
As for the writing, I have never had the courage to commit to what you have. So pretty much anything I say to that is talking out of my ass. But my writing professor in college and Anne Lamott both say that you should just put down whatever for an hour a day and then walk away and eventually it’ll come back to you. For what that’s worth.
Please make the best you can do tomorrow being kind to yourself. I believe in you.
Much love,
Jenny
OK, here’s the thing. And this might get buried in two thousands posts, but it needs to be said:
I don’t have a number of days I feel like a success because I don’t look at life that way. I don’t measure other people up by where they are on some imaginary ladder, and I try hard not to do that to myself, either.
I don’t think this is about meds. Don’t get me wrong, if you need the meds, I totally support that. But there is also an aspect of dealing with mental illness where we need, as a community, to call each other on our bullshit. Just because our brains don’t work the way they should, that doesn’t mean that what we have to say doesn’t have an impact on the world.
I do belong to community of people with fucked up brains, BTW. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ADD, auditory processing disorder, etc, etc, etc… I don’t want to come on here and tell people how to do life, because who knows what works for them. I’m just sharing what I’ve learned through years of hard knocks and therapy.
Weighing people on some kind of ladder of success is messed up. It damages both you and the person you are imposing your judgements on. Nobody is more successful than you. Nobody is less successful than you. They just are.
There’s another word for all of this: Ablism. Ablism is the idea that people who are able to do more are worth more. That’s a horrible idea. People with disabilities are every bit as valuble as people without disabilities. I have a friend who has been in a wheelchair her whole life. She has never gotten herself to the bank. Does that make her a lesser person? Should she feel badly because she’s never done so?
I would suggest that the problem you are facing is not an increase in brain disfunction, but in your internalized ablism -your sense that your abilities or disabilities dictate how much value you hold in the world. Ablism is every bit as sucky as racism, sexism, and homophobia and the rest of it. We need less ablism in the world, but first we need to get rid of it in ourselves.
You are definitely not alone, and I think the fact that you’ve reached so many people through this blog alone shows that. I didn’t even know that imposter syndrome was a thing, but after reading about it, I’m more than slightly freaked out that someone has labelled the workings of my brain. Whenever people compliment me, I feel like they can’t possibly mean what they say, or that they are moments away from discovering that I am a total idiot and have no idea how I’m fumbling through life. My husband recently asked me if I’ve ever been proud of myself in my entire life and I cried for days at the answer to that. Like you said, I logically know that I’ve accomplished quite a bit and I help large quantities of people by going to work every day, but the rest of me feels like I’m a hopeless waste of space. I have moments where I feel better. Probably about 4-5 hours worth per week total? I know you aren’t looking for compliments (because if we are similar, you will find a way that the credit is not yours anyway) and I know it’s been said by others before, but the plain fact is that your work makes people feel like there are others out there who feel like they do and they aren’t alone , and that’s huge and enormously comforting. Thank you.
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” — Steve Furtick
We all feel the way you do. Hell, I do practically every day. I’m a high school teacher, and I also have depression and anxiety. I just try to focus on the moments that do go well and tell myself, “At least I didn’t fuck that up!”
I wish I had 3 or 4 days a month that I felt like I did something great, or even, ya know, good. You’re so not alone. I don’t take to compliments well. I fail at everything to the point of I’m good at failing, but not great at it. I wish I could be awesome at something. Just 1 thing. But I’m less than average & lost in the sea of others who are probably feeling much the same. My allergies have kicked in.. or maybe I’m really getting sick, I dunno. I have a netipot, but don’t feel like using it. Instead, I sit here with tissues stuffed up my nose. It takes a lot less effort to just lay here & be miserable.
why have you chosen “successful” as the pinnacle of emotion? it seems like cliche “american dream” bullshit. surely there are more interesting ways to feel……
I’ve been feeling this way, but only recently, for the past 5 years or so. I try to remind myself that the past 5 years have also carried with them an UNHOLY AND UNGODLY AMOUNT OF IMMENSE SUCK (at last count: 6 job changes,7 roommate changes, a year of unemployment, a year with a 2-hour commute to work each way, two outright layoffs, my cat dying, getting dumped hard by a really big-deal relationship, someone breaking into my apartment and stealing my laptop (and, with it, EVERYTHING I HAD WRITTEN FOR TEN YEARS, because I was an idiot and didn’t back anything up at that point), breaking a foot, starting menopause even though my doctor can’t prove it (I KNOW that these are hot flashes, but my hormones check out normal), a couple of big family fights, a ten-year non-profit business I’ve been involved with going belly-up, a couple of super-scary obscene phone calls (one where I had to involve the police), and a year-long stretch where every single guy I met and went on a date with turned out to be into some particular fetish I didn’t share and so he never called me again.
All that within five years, yo.
Writing used to be my outlet. But I haven’t really written anything in five years either. Not really. And sometimes I really, really miss it and worry that I’ve lost that knack.
But other times I remember that HOLY CREEPING SHIT I have a lot of other things going on right now. A friend of mine, after I broke my foot (but before one of the layoffs and the Year-O-Fetishes) pointed out that I’d been going through a whole chain of stuff that by all rights should have just FLATTENED me, but…I was still hanging in there as opposed to giving up and curling up into a ball and crying in the corner. (Okay, yeah, there were days I did go cry in the corner, but I’d shake them off and go pull myself together and go to work.) And I got to realize that…you know, right now, with the amount of stuff I’ve had to deal with, that is indeed where my strength all just has to GO right now. The energy that I’d be devoting to writing if my life were normal is right now going towards wrestling with a job search. I do still feel the impostor syndrome, but….I just remind myself that actually being able just to function, given the conditions I’m currently in, is a FAR MORE POWERFUL show of strength. It’s like if Helen Keller came in second in an archery contest and someone tried to belittle her for not coming in first – dude, it’s HELEN KELLER, and the fact that she even was able to compete in the first place given she couldn’t SEE is fucking AMAZING.
I will tell you, though, that the “Die Vampire Die” song is indeed awesome and has indeed helped. I’m right now at a point where the writing is very, very slowly coming back (I’ve started wanting to dig things out and tweak them and finally get them sent to publishers finally), and….I’m not pushing it, but taking that as a really good sign. Helen Keller, yo.
I think you may be more normal than you think. Normal. Human. Imperfect. I feel this way all the time, but still trudge through life – and I have finally come to the conclusion that it’s OK. I’m going to screw up, but probably nothing of the life or death variety. Whatever happens, it will be OK. I’m sure a thousand people have told you not to be so hard on yourself but I know that isn’t easy. Just know that what you feel isn’t who you are and you aren’t alone.
There are days that I collapse on the couch at night and I think “all I did was survive today” and that’s not good enough. Because I feel like I’m not living my life when all I do is survive each day of it. And then I start to think about all the days I’ve only survived, and it gets to me in a bad way. Then I find that one day or two where I shined. That day that I did something meaningful, and eventful, and even memorable, and that day stands out to me. It reminds me that even though I’m mostly just surviving, I’m also living. I’m just doing it in smaller doses than a lot of people. Because that’s what you have to do sometimes when your life isn’t perfect.
I’ve spent my adult life wading through the mud. I feel really GOOD about myself about 5 minutes a week if I’m lucky. But that gets me pissy, and after I get tired of the weepy grumpy crap, I just start kicking all kinds of butt. Because I WANT TO. Because I hate being the weepy grumpy person. I mostly have to divorce myself from feeling stuff in the moment. It’s too skewed to handle. Not even gonna talk about pills, if any of you have autoimmune crap and have wound up allergic to all your meds, I’m leading the way into f** this sh*. Word.
Jenny,
As you know, success in your field is almost impossible to achieve and so you’ve already accomplished enough to say “I can walk away from writing a happy woman.”
But clinical depression is a monster with a grip you just can’t shake, so don’t be afraid to feel low at times and keep fighting! Just remember, you’re far from alone.
At one point all I cared about was making my book a success, but I failed miserably; I couldn’t even get my local paper’s entertainment reporter to spare a kind word for me! I’ve felt lower than low, Jenny, so low I might have contemplated ending it all if not for my wife and daughter.
But I do have a family that loves me. I have a daughter who is depending on me to help make her writing dreams come true.
I won’t fail her, Jenny.
No matter what it takes, I’ll get Ellen’s attention, this I swear.
And you won’t fail your daughter or Victor. You’ll kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight because that’s what heroes do.
And trust me, Jenny, you’re a hero in every sense of the word.
Heroes bleed.
They cry.
And they get back up no matter how many times they fall down.
We all love you, Jenny.
Be well.
I’m with you on the 3 or 4 days, and I’m lucky if I can get them all together. I’m not just saying this to make you feel better. This is the truth.
I suffer depression and anxiety, I self-harm, I’m a sober alcoholic, my relationship with food is a mess, I don’t even touch my gender issues because I can’t do everything goddammit, and I occasionally have an unreasonable fear of one of my cats, my toaster, other people’s kitchen utensils, and the electrical wiring in my walls.
Some days, the things that other people see as being parts of success just can’t happen, because I have to pay attention to the parts that need my care and feeding to keep me going. I work hard to remember that my Success is not Kevin’s or Phyllis’ Success, partly because Kevin is great at venture capitalism, and money stresses me out, and Phyllis is awesome at making three children look picture perfect, and I’m not a huge fan of sticky fingers.
But I fall down a lot. I eat pickles on the couch under a blanket and tell my kitty Onion that he’s my boyfriend, and I let him lick my pickles, and then I eat them anyway, because we are bonded, and he helps set my brain right. That’s sometimes my little piece of success that leads to getting bigger successful things done. Kevin and Phyllis don’t really want my kind of success, either.
It’s not perfect. I want to feel like crap less. I feel less like crap than I used to five years ago more of the time. This is something. Right now, Aidan is delivering chicken pot pie to me on the couch, because I cannot fend for my welfare and I have zits. I measure things both in small increments and years long spans. It gets me through.
Nope you’re certainly not alone.and you’re not the only one.
For instance, I counted today a successful day because I swapped my housecoat and Jammie’s for street clothes shortly after 2pm. This was after I successfully kept my couch from floating away from 8am on.
I successfully unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. I successfully completed (sans putting away) 2 loads of laundry. I successfully got my darling nerds off to school this morning. I successfully went to the grocery store with my social anxiety, where my cards were successfully declined. I successfully returned home and grabbed some cash I had squirrelled away and successfully returned to that same store.
I successfully made supper….rotisserie chicken and packaged noodles and frozen peas.
I successfully managed another bout if social anxiety signing a daughter up for martial arts.
This is how I measure success. Does it feel incredibly inadequate? Oh, very much so. But I DID.
I can’t, literally cannot, do what I imagine other mothers do. I cannot do the PTA thing, people freak me out. I cannot take my kids to different activities for the same reason. My kids seem to get it. Like your daughter, they know I love them and they are the reason I get up in the morning.
Professionally? I have none. I do grunt work at a medical facility. Not exactly glamorous or of high esteem when you compare me to my friends, all of whom are highly successful in their fields. Seriously, I’ve no career.
I am creative. I also have been battling depression for as long as I can recall. The past 2 years have been difficult. But those good days show me that there are GOOD DAYS 🙂
Kick yourself in the bum, kitten. You have worth, and are worthy. You have worked hard, do you see that? You probably work hard and then burn out, trying your damnedest to catch up on work that *in your head* you feel has been put off for so long that it needs to be done NOW.
My Nanny J told me something after I asked her how she did it, how did she manage a farm and a husband and 4 consecutive kids? She said ‘the dishes and sweeping will always wait for you. That stuff doesn’t believe in clocks.’
I live by that LOL
Chin up, this will pass, promise.
I am just f’ing impressed if you read all of the responses. I almost gave up trying to scroll down to the message box on my cell phone. I was recently diagnosed with agoraphobia and so I consider myself successful if at some point in the week I break habit and drive myself to the grocery store. In my humble opinion you need to reevaluate your definition of success. Technology has made it possible to live in a way that will allow our special brand of “crazy” to flourish, but it has also applied an unbelievable amount of pressure on all of us to accomplish something that the world will applaud us for. Redefine success. I am succesful because I can still walk out the front door. Pick your battles and plan accordingly.
Most days I get through what I need to get through. I tend to fall apart on the weekends. I can go months without sleeping the night through because I’m beating myself up for what I didn’t do or what I did wrong. I have days during the week, where people would probably think I was productive, but I wasn’t. I went through 18 months of being really, really hard on myself. My second therapist (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) did more for me in 3 months that my previous therapist did in 9 months. I’m not “cured” but I feel like I have a handle on it. My anxiety/mental health issues are moderate/mild, so it may not be a good comparison. But I think it is safe to say that most people (who are not narcissists) feel at least some of the time that they are frauds and are just faking it through life.
I think maybe the beginning and end of the issue you’re describing is that you are mercilessly hard on yourself. I recognize this problem because I struggle with it too. My therapist has told me that this is a part of anxiety, and what I’m doing about it is trying to catch myself in these super critical thoughts, stop, and say, “I am not fucking everything up. The way I have done x, y, and z may not have been up to my standard, but honestly, my standard is unrealistically high. If my husband or best friend had done those things the same way, would I think they had actually done pretty well?” You to have to forcibly train yourself to be as kind, forgiving and appreciative of yourself as you would be to anyone else that you loved and cared about. Even if you don’t believe it, or believe that you deserve it at first. That’s how you break that cycle – be kind to yourself even if you think you don’t deserve it.
Because honestly? You absolutely do NOT deserve the criticism, disappointment, and shame you are heaping on yourself. I don’t know you. I have never met you. I have read your blog from page one, so I think you would be great to be friends with. Not just because you are funny, but because you are so honest about your struggles and have depth and character too.
I hope you are still reading this – I know it’s long (a lot longer than I intended), but this next part is REALLY important: It is a very dangerous trap to judge yourself by comparing yourself to others. AVOID IT! If you ever catch yourself wanting to know if other people do things better – STOP! It is guaranteed to make you miserable. It can be extremely difficult to avoid comparing ourselves to others and using that to measure our own lives with, but It’s the worst kind of trap because everyone who does it always finds themselves coming up short and then feeling like a failure. Think of someone you consider to be the most successful at being a person. That person compares themselves to others and then feels like crap about themselves.
We ALL make mistakes. A LOT of them. The only difference between us is how we cope with it: do we judge ourselves harshly, or do we forgive ourselves? And I think this is where a lot of us make mistakes too – I think a lot of us judge ourselves more often than we forgive ourselves.
So, in the end, please practice being kind and loving and forgiving to yourself, even if it feels awkward and fake at first. You deserve that new thought process. You deserve it even if you don’t think you do.
Secondly, do your best to never compare yourself to others. Since we all tend to be pretty harsh on ourselves, we are going to default toward seeing our shortcomings more often than we ever see our excellence, so the whole exercise is a total fallacy and only serves to make us miserable. It’s a lie.
I wish you the very very best!!
Jenny,
I really don’t think it’s just you. I think it’s all of us; I know it’s me, too. I think the degree to which the feelings of failure, of being an imposter, and of not belonging are magnified within each of us may vary, but that most if not all of us have them is not something I doubt.
I certainly have them quite frequently myself. I’ve written here before to say how depressed I was about feeling like a failure. In the past few years, my mother to whom I was very close died, leaving me as the last remaining family member in a place where the family had lived for over sixty years. In order to get a new start and escape ghosts, I moved over a thousand miles to another part of the country. I’ve been in my new home for over a year now and I still don’t feel settled. I haven’t felt like there’s anywhere I could call home since my mom died, and my hometown with her. I feel like absolutely anyone could and would have done an infinitely better job of establishing a new life than I have thus far, of re-establishing a home, making new friends, etc.
I’ve been depressed before, but until these last few years I don’t know that I have ever had such full on-depression. I thought moving was going to finalize my recovery from it and boy have I been wrong there. I hid from it for too many months and the guilt from that is slowing me down now. But I still have hope and every day I’m fighting to make things a tiny bit better. Some days it even works.
You are admirable for being forthright and honest about your problems. I say this not as praise, but as fact. I don’t think you know how much this helps people. You do things that many of us do indeed see as inspirational and the fact that you achieve them in spite of myriad obstacles only makes them better. I do know it can be hard to see – I’ve had many people say it was brave and gutsy to move as I did in order to build a new life. But I can sometimes see that even if I don’t feel it, it doesn’t mean it couldn’t be true.
While some days and even weeks may be more trouble for you than we see, you keep trying and that’s awesome. You do more good in this world despite having more issues than one person should have to deal with and many of the things you do help others. Even if you can’t see this, trust me when I say that others do. I’m one of them.
I know offering a hug in person would be odd at best, but let me instead offer you a virtual hug and the heartfelt assurance than in my opinion, at least, it’s certainly not just you.
Perhaps an associated question would concern those among us who never question themselves, and yet live lives of unwavering mediocrity (if they rise to that level). Is feeling good about yourself a superior state to actually accomplishing something? At one end of the spectrum you’ve got your Van Goghs who apparently NEVER felt confident that their work was good and spent pretty much their entire emotional lives in the toilet. At the other end you’ve got Justin Bieber and Paris Hilton….one gets the impression they’re quite pleased with themselves for some unknown reason. There are also untold billions of folks whose mediocrity isn’t plastered in front of us every day who go to bed each night with total certainty that they are God’s gift to humanity and that their beliefs and biases really do need to be universal. I’d opt for more doubt and more creativity, myself.
Oh and btw, I just threw three plants out from my living room that died about a week after Easter.
I to suffer from massive amounts of depression and what I like to call homicidal rage. My house is a mess and I judge myself harshly based on the picture perfect lives people portray on FB. I am a PTA mom and I still feel like I am not doing enough for my kids. Even on days that I start to think I have this adult shit down something comes a long behind me and knocks me on my ass and reminds me that I am a barely functioning child who still falls constantly and always has spills on her shirt.
I feel like this a lot of the time. Most of the time, I feel like I’m faking it thru life and someone is about to catch on at any moment. I often go to work with unwashed hair…that’s what dry shampoo is for, those of us that DO NOT have it all together! 🙂 I’m exhausted most of the time, and I feel like a failure as a mom more often than not…but on those 3-4 days a month when I’m kicking ass…well, that sort of brings things back into balance. That, and that even on my very worst days, my kids still tell me (and show me) that they love me. And PS, most of those people who make their lives look so perfect…are just better at faking it than the rest of us.
It is absolutely not just you! I feel this way all the time, and I think most people do. On the outside looking in, I probably look like one of those people you described with the pastel life. But, I spend ENTIRE days at my desk at work, slacking off and not working. Some days, literally the only work I get done is replying to emails so people don’t know that I am doing nothing. I’m successful, I have a great job, I make good money, and I do good work. But, that doesn’t stop the feeling that one day someone will figure it out and say “how did you get in here? You clearly don’t belong here.” You are not alone.
Life is hard. Existing is hard. And, some days, going to the bank is an accomplishment – even for people who do not have the same mental health illnesses you do. We’re human. And all the media and messages we receive about what success is, is bullshit. Success is being the best mother you can be. Success is doing your best in every other way. Success is what it is that day. Some days, it’s that you got out of bed. Some days, it’s that you stayed in bed because you needed to (self-care is so undervalued). Some days, you totally kick-ass and that’s fantastic. And, some days, you don’t kill people – and while that is partially a joke, we’ve all had the urge!
You are not alone and I admire you for saying this out loud. I think most people feel this way at some point. The key to not feeling this way is probably to know that you are doing your best, and that is going to vary day to day.
None of those perfect people are nearly as perfect as they seem on the inside. Nobody is perfect and nobody has a perfect life. They may not have ADD or depression, but they have their own problems. Some people are better at holding it together, some people are better at hiding things, and some people just wear their hearts on their sleeves. That does not mean that you are less productive or less successful, nor does it mean that they are better than you in any way. Success matters more on the type of person you are, on the heart you have, not how many picnic baskets you own or how perfect your hair is.
You are NOT alone. I’m pretty sure feeling like an imposter is a much more common feeling than it feels like it should be. In any case, I feel that way…most of the time. As for feeling successful, well, 3-4 days a month would be a high number for me right now. Overall I’m actually pretty happy, but I don’t feel successful. I dislike my job, I’m overweight, and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life other than “something else.” I usually feel lucky to have gotten through the day at a mediocre level.
But I have big plans to change all this! Which will probably crash and burn at my feet. But still, big plans! They involve getting to a healthy weight and taking time off to explore some interests I’ve been putting off because my current job takes up too much time. I’ll probably still feel like an imposter. I will probably fail at following through. And then I’ll make new big plans and try again.
Also, I’m about to move and just discovered 2 boxes that we never unpacked from the last move. Seriously. Not alone. 🙂
I just failed at posting a comment. I was also pretty sure I was the only adult on the planet who uses Little House as a self soothing medium. You are just fine. We are all struggling with our demons. I used to pray to be shallow. Didn’t work. Thanks for all the company. If you want someone to howl at the moon with, I’m your girl. Kidding, but I have been known to howl, just in case. Scratch that. I howl at every opportunity. Thanks, Jenn
I promise it’s not just you.
I don’t even have whole days or even whole HOURS I feel good about. I figure if I add up the fractions of time I MAY have one day a month where I REALLY feel good, accomplished and not like everything I touch turns to shit.
I’m a workaholic. I’ve been an Office Manager/Executive Assistant for over 20 years and was laid off last July and despite several hundred resumes and quite a few interviews, I’m working an extremely low paying, mindless temp job because my unemployment ran out and it was “take this job or live under a bridge” in a very real way. I cry at the train station every morning. I am so tired of hearing “You’re overqualified” or “You were in the top 2, but the other candidate had more experience in this particular industry” or “They loved you and really thought you have great experience but were concerned by you having been out of work for so long…”
I’ve been trying for almost 4 months to get a website finished but when you work 8-12 hours a day and commute 4+ and take classes online, it isn’t really conducive to getting anything else done. If I could drive to work, it’d be less than an hour a day commute, round trip but I don’t have a car and I can’t foresee being able to afford one at any point in the foreseeable future. I’m not a young person (not OLD, either) so I feel even worse about things because at my age I should have a house and a car and have money saved for retirement (I’ve got not one cent saved) and I have accomplished the sum total of NOTHING that I always thought I would/should by this point in my life. I’ve been trying to get to the county clerk’s office to register a business name for those same four months so maybe I could get my side business going but transportation and time have been an issue there, too.
If nothing else, you have a husband and daughter who love you. I don’t have that. And for what it’s worth, I adore you, even if you think you’re not good enough…you’ve saved me from myself more times than I can count. You are absolutely, positively the best at being YOU… and whether it seems like it or not, being you really is “good enough”.
I think 4 or 5 days a month I can say are truely good days. Most of the time it’s just existing, I go through the motions, but that is all I can manage. I always seem to focus on what I’ve done wrong, I really struggle to be positive about anything most of the time. I wish I could see the good in my life more often, but I can’t and I just feel drained.
I could go on and on here: Failed marriage, wondering why the hell everyone I know has big beautiful families and happy relationships and both of those things scare me, inability to settle down in one place, trust issues, sharing problems, etc. etc. I find it easier to keep people at arm’s distance — or even farther away, if at all possible. I feel like I spend a lot of time trying to come to terms with the fact that I feel like I really don’t fit in anywhere. And the imposter syndrome? Yes and yes.
I don’t have depression or anxiety. I’m a pretty confident person. But I’m commenting because I had the feeling from your post that you were looking for a bench-mark to aim for that isn’t based on people who are struggling.
I would say that I feel like I was really awesome and totally kicked ass one or two times a month. Because that’s how often I really do something awesome. Most of the time, I feel like I am doing okay. Most days I am not a star at either parenting or work, but I feel like I did well enough and I’m satisfied with that. Some days, I screw up and feel bad. But that’s not often – 3 or 4 times a year? And that’s usually because I really did screw up. For me, I think it’s a matter of the expectations I set for myself. Tomorrow I will be bringing a store bought pasta salad to my kids school BBQ. The other salads and sides will likely be (or at least look) homemade. But I really, truly, don’t care. I could stay up late tonight to make something. But I was up late last night for my class, and then up early this morning for work and then I worked all day. Tonight I want to read stories to my children, sit on the couch with my husband and watch DVR’d TV, and then go to bed. So that’s what I am going to do. And tomorrow, when I put the store bought salad on the table next to the the homemade-looking ones, I will have a twinge of guilt that mine doesn’t look as good. And when I walk by the table later and notice that my salad has the most left, i will have another twinge of guilt. But they will both be just twinges, and I will get over it, and not even think about it at all at bedtime. (Except, now I will, because I’ve thought a lot more about this whole thing to write this than I ordinarily would – but had I not written this, I wouldn’t think about it at all after leaving the BBQ).
I don’t know if this is helpful for you in terms of setting your own goals for where you want to get to. But this is an honest representation of what goes on inside my head.
Oooh lady. Yes. This. And while I would never wish you any pain at all, my anxious soul breathed great, big, sighs of relief to not be alone in this feeling.
I do not have full days where I feel competent, in anything I do. I have occasional fleeting moments, maybe once every 10 days or so, where I think: “Good work, self.” They are rare, and saying that makes me sound sadder than I feel. I am not so much sad, as I am very, very, uncomfortable in my own skin and deeply afraid that at any given moment, my idiot self will inadvertently pull the pin that makes my whole life come unraveled. (Is there a pin? I’m pretty sure there’s a pin, guys).
There is no amount of shiny perky material pieces of Doing It Right that will take away the fear that you are not Doing it Right Enough. That’s the thing about brains: they are sometimes assholes. I don’t say this to sound hopeless (I feel hopeless), I say this because: this shiz is hard, yo. And at least a little universal. Some mornings, even Neil freaking Gaiman pours coffee on his lap and writes something mediocre. You have lots of awesome, kickass things that make you awesome and kickass. More than perhaps any other PTA member, you Matter. You, quite literally, have saved lives. By continuing to be, and continuing to write, you continue to save lives. You’ve saved mine.
But, as you mentioned in your post, sometimes being reassured that other people think you are awesome (DUDE. SOMEONE COSPLAYED YOU. THAT IS SO COOL.) isn’t really the answer, either. I have lots of objective markers of Doing it Right. (Objectiveish? I am mostly convinced that I feel backwards into these things, and I don’t deserve a parade for them, so. Yeah. You know what I mean). Good school! Fancy lawyer job! Married! Own a home! Regularly give money to charity! I am almost certainly your kind of annoying friend who has Stuff Figured Out. My gardening Pinterest kicks all kinds of ass. I can my own salsa. I am insufferable.
None of this actually makes a difference to my brain, who thinks that maybe, you spaz, you should just remember to shower once in a while and your hair wouldn’t look so awful my god you suck. (My brain is the worst life coach ever). For me, this anxiety is not about comparing myself to other people (everyone’s messed-up is different, and most of it is pretty hard to see). It is about other people looking at me and thinking: “Gee! She has her shit together!” and then realizing, either horribly or gleefully, that they were totally wrong on that one. I went to a Very Good Law School. I loved law school, and I did objectively well in it. I have a good job, at a time when those are in short supply. When I recite those credentials, people identify me as a Smart Person. It is extremely handy, and as it happens, more important to me than I realized: here’s my card. You don’t know me, but you already think I am clever, and that will define how you look at me. It is ok if I do not do XYZ thing, I am a Lawyer! I am probably doing Lawyer Things! You will cut me some slack!
But, my brain will not cut me some slack. I will still harbor the lurking ugly suspicion that I am actually a fairly terrible lawyer/pet owner/wife/friend/brusher of teeth, and that some day, someone is going to figure that shit out. On the one hand, that will be a tremendous relief, because then I won’t be waking up terrified every morning that Someone Will Know. On the other hand: ugh. If Someone Knows, then I will get fired/divorced/the bank will probably repossess my home out of spite/my dentist will pull out all of my teeth, and then (a) all these nice things (Dogs! Eating tacos with my husband!) that I love will go away; and (b) all the easy-to-identify markers of Doing It Right will be gone. I’m not totally sure how I will communicate to the rest of the world who I am, without those markers, and I feel like as I continue to muddle through life, one of the ways in which I routinely Do It Wrong will cause the whole thing to fall apart. That is scary, and makes me question who I am, and what I love, and where I’m going.
Here are the things that I felt like I was doing right this week: (1) I walked the dog yesterday. It made her really happy. (2) I did something called a “pop up jump kick” for the first time in karate on Monday. It was pretty cool. I am struggling to not put asterisks on those things (I walked the dog *should have walked her more)(I did a cool kick *it took me 10 weeks to learn, and it wasn’t even that good). I did a lot of other things that were pretty substandard, including (but not limited to): eating food off the floor, swearing in front of a small child, wearing dirty clothes, and showing up to a hair appointment without any method of payment at all and an expired ATM card, resulting in an extremely shameful string of trying to pay for something that I wasn’t even sure I wanted in the first place. I’m trying to be kinder to myself about those things. I am loved. Not always by myself, but certainly by others. That doesn’t always feel like enough, but it is a start.
You, too, are loved. We’ll all muddle through this together: you, me, the comment section, and the rest of these meandering, beautifully flawed souls.
Ok, here is the deal. MOST OF US FEEL THIS WAY. Seriously. I have a 6th grader at this tiny little school that you have to practically beg to get into, so when I got my daughter into Kindergarten I was TOTALLY intimidated by all these Mom’s that seemed to be so very together. But, small school and I am a talker, so I discovered over the years that even the mom’s that seemed SO together, most of them were not really, the makeup and the clothes was to cover the stuff they thought they were slacking on. I hear from so many of those mom’s about how they feel like a failure due to XYZ. Everyone has different places they feel they suck, but we all have them. I would say that I feel together about half the time maybe. On a good month LOL.
For example, I have had people tell me how totally organized I am all the time. No I am not really. What I am is a total flake who would forget her head if it wasn’t screwed on, but I combat this by having lists EVERYWHERE. And Calendars. And more lists! I still forget a ton of stuff, but usually it is stuff that people don’t realize was on my ToDo list, so I am the only one who really notices.
So you are really no different from the rest of us. We are all trying to look and feel like we are handling and coping, it is just how we go about it…..
I’m with people who are in the Hours a Month category. Actually, it’s a good day if I spend more than a few hours not feeling like I’m dreaming. I’m mostly not here anymore. The only thing that gets me through it is focusing on small things that I love to do, like you spending time with your daughter. The things that matter.
I can relate! But don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides. You never know their unseen struggles. Hang in there — you’re definitely not alone! But does it really help to beat yourself up? It makes me feel shittier, so I am attempting to be more gentle with myself. I don’t deserve it (and neither do you). I wish you the best and, as always, applaud your honesty.
By most measures I’m probably in the shiny happy camp and I’ve still spent the last few nights staring at the ceiling beating myself up for all my failures at being a grown-up. For the most part, I’m the happiest and most successful I’ve been in my life which means it only hits me about 3-4 days a month now. But yes, it still gets to me too. Much like depression, I think impostor syndrome is a big lying liar who lies.
Jenny, I’m a writer and a mother, too, with a fair amount of my family’s financial well-being placed on my ability to produce prose. I also work from home. And I believe, truly, that these factors can combine to be paralyzing. I don’t have any illnesses like those you face, yet I too am rocked by my inability to feel productive, upright, and forward-moving daily. There is something very particular about working in your laundry room, your kitchen, your shower, in the place your kids inhabit when they’re not in school, in the place your pets require their care. It’s a special kind of opportunity that so many people wish for, but it can also provide a vacuum for those successes so many people find among colleagues. I hope you know you’re not alone, that any illness you might be coping with at any given time may not be to blame, that it’s very much a typical feeling to not-rock-it, and that, technically, the strength you need is out there, in the numbers of men and women who choose to live and work this way. (So: maybe 3 days.)