I want to apologize to Australia in advance

in Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap

A few weeks ago my friend Laura asked if I’d come with her to Australia on a sponsored trip and I said “no” because I’m the only person in the world who hates to travel, but then she told me to keep an open mind and it’s very hard to keep saying no to someone who once voluntarily chased off vultures and helped you dig up your dead dog.  Turns out that it’s a Go Mighty Life List thing and I reminded Laura that the first thing on my life list is to never write a fucking life list and then she reminded me that I was being cynical again and she pointed out that we could do anything that we wanted as long as it was on our life list.

me: Really?  Can I box a kangaroo?

Laura: Do you want to box a kangaroo?”

me: No.  But I want to know that I have the option.  Except I don’t want any kangaroos to get hurt.  So maybe…pudding wrestling with kangaroos?  Is that a thing?

Laura:  I don’t think kangaroos are naturally that fighty.

me:  No, kangaroos totally box each other in the wild.  If anything, we’re making it safer for them by putting mittens on their hands.  And they smoke cigars while they’re doing it.  I saw it on a cartoon once.

Laura:  Everything you know about Australia you learned from cartoons.  This is why you need to go.  Did you know there’s a town in Australia full of ghosts and possibly lots of serial killers?

me:  We should go there.

Laura:  Is it on your life list?

me:  Well it is now.

Laura:  And I know you hate flying, so after we get there we’ll just take a sleeper train around Australia.

me:  Like The Orient Express?  I’ve always wanted to go on the Orient Express!

Laura: Me too.

me:  Can there be a murder?  Because it’s not really the full experience if there isn’t a murder.

Laura:  Huh.

me:  Or we could create one.  I’m not picky.

Laura:  Is “Instigate a murder” on your life list?

me:  Well, not one that I’d write down.  That’s just creating evidence.

Laura:  Well, then we aren’t going to do it.

me:  Then can we leave traps all over Australia?  Like, cardboard boxes propped up by sticks with baby dolls inside of them to see if we can catch dingos?

Laura: I think if you put it on your life list and then Australia has to at least try to make that happen.  But it’s probably BYOB.  Bring Your Own Baby.

me:  I want to see The World’s Biggest Banana.

Laura:  And I want our guide to be Greg from The Wiggles.

me:  And he has to drive us around in The Big Red Car.

Laura:  Exactly.  You’re always saying that you need to force yourself to push past your phobias and to make yourself be furiously happy.  This is one of those times.

me:  Can we go hold koalas while dressed in full koala costumes?  And would you be more likely to say “yes” if I tell you I already have the costumes?

Laura:  You have two koala costumes?

me:  You need a back-up in case one’s dirty.

Laura:  Huh.

me:  I’m kidding.  But I do have one koala costume and one panda costume.  They’re both sort of bears, so that should count.

Laura:  Whatever.  I’m in.  I’m in for whatever bat-shit crazy tour you want to do.  And it will be laid-back and ridiculous and like nothing else we’ve ever done.

me:  No one is going to pay for this debacle.

Laura:  Australia is.   Get a work visa and wash your koala suit.  This shit is totally happening.

 

So…I’m apparently going to Australia this year.  I have no idea what I’ll actually be doing, but I know that it’ll probably illegal and I might get kicked out of the country.  I initially asked to ride on camels, and watch giant-cockroach races, and see where The Hobbit was filmed, and so far the only definite “no” I’ve heard was about The Hobbit, because apparently “New Zealand is not in Australia so please stop asking“, but I’ve just added “Put New Zealand inside Australia so I can see hobbits” to my life list so I think they kind of have to do it now.  It’s like I’m Alan Rickman in Die Hard and Australia is the baffled hostage negotiator.  I think I could probably ask them to bring me a dump truck filled with live slow-lorises and a semi-drugged Benedict Cumberbatch and they’d have to do it.  I am drunk with power.  And also wine slushees.

Ps.  If you want to see my list of demands some of my life-list and watch it get updated in November you can click here because that’s where I’m supposed to write about it.  Also, it’s entirely  possible that this is a trick and I will get there and will spend a week trapped at some sort of terrible time-share meeting or that this is just a sting to arrest me for unpaid parking tickets, but it’s also possible that I’ll be riding camels in Middle Earth.  It’s NewStralia, y’all.  Anything could happen.

PPS.  “NewStralia” is the name I made up for when they drop New Zealand onto Australia.  You’re welcome, Australian Tourism Board.  I’m giving you that one for free.

PPPS.  Did you know that kangaroos have 3 vaginas?  Because they totally do and that’s probably why they’re alway hitting each other.  I bet they have PMS every damn day of the week.  But on the plus side, kangaroos have plenty of places to smuggle things because they have so many holes in their bodies.  In fact, they’re so full of holes it’s sort of shocking they’re able to keep all the kangaroo from just leaking out.

PPPPS.  If you look on the right hand side here you can get details about Fill-a-Plane discounted tickets or possibly winning a trip yourself.  And why wouldn’t you want to after reading this?  I mean, honestly.

PPPPPS.  I should have a pretty picture of Australian cockroach racing here but I don’t have one (yet) and so instead I decided to use a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch.  YOU ARE WELCOME.

458 thoughts on “I want to apologize to Australia in advance”

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  5. I wanted to go to Australia until I read Bill Bryson’s book on it, in which he explains that of the 10 most poisonous spiders in the world, ALL of them are from Australia. You can literally get killed by picking up the wrong seashell and getting stung by a venomous monster living inside of it.

    On the plus side, I bet you could get some interesting taxidermied critters there.

  6. You do know that there are a lot of crocodiles in Australia. BIG ones. But that guy, Crocodile Dundee, will know what to do. Find him and his big knife.

  9. My husband, who is a hypnotherapist, would TOTALLY tell you to get help with your fear of flying before going to Australia. He works wonders on people with all different types of anxieties… just a thought. Australia is amazing, and you’re going to LOVE it!

  10. Totally jealous! I love Australia.

    I went to Australia in 2007 (my best friend lives there) and have been dying to go back. Everyone is just so…loyal and nice.

  16. My friend wanted to make sure her kids wore sun hats while they were visiting Australia so she told them there are “drop bears” there that drop on people who aren’t wearing hats. I think of them like the “jagulars” from Winnie the Pooh who drop on you when you look up.

    So, wear a hat and look out for drop bears while you’re there.

  17. May I request Vine videos of you boxing a kangaroo or holding a koala while speaking with an Aussie accent?! I’m so excited for you!! This will be a wonderful trip for you!! You’ll be so glad you went!! sorry for all the exclamations..

  19. Kangaroos are pretty fighty. If you tried to box one you probably wouldn’t need to worry about the kangaroo getting hurt. I lived in the parts of Australia that have the nastiest snakes and the kill-you-dead seashells, and while I was never bitten or stung I did once run away from a one-legged wallaroo that wanted to cause me harm.

  20. At the very least, you need Crocodile Dundee to hold a piece of twine. Or maybe get a kangaroo to do it. And don’t walk under any trees…drop bears are fierce.

  22. I never wanted to go to Australia since all of the animals there want to murder people but you have made me want to go see a pudding wrestling kangaroo now. Thanks.

  25. You can get a little bag made from genuine kangaroo testicles at any souvenir shop there. I think you need one. Beyonce could hold it when you return, and we could play ‘guess-what’s-in-the-testicle-bag-today’ as a regular feature 😉

  26. You can walk around in a big pen with the kangaroos in Sydney, it’s fun, you would like it, I was there once after a storm and the fences were down and those kangaroos were all over the place, And there are WOMBATS. I lived there for three years, you will have fun. But really, New Zealand is very cool so if you can get over there as well, GO. I did not see many stuffed critters when I was there though, so probably no new little buddies to bring home.

  27. Oh dear, I am reading this in Australia this morning. Might just duck outside and tell the Roo’s in my backyard to make themselves scarce – LOL. Oh, and Koala’s are not bears, there is even a song you could learn “I am a koala not a bear, and I don’t think it’s fair”. Have a great trip x

  28. Any time is the appropriate time for a Cumberbatch picture!

    G’day and congrats and stuff!

  30. not to be a downer here but doesn’t EVERYTHING in australia want to eat you? and by you i mean humanity in general and not you personally. but who knows, maybe they do want to eat you personally, i don’t know because i’ve never been to australia. because it wants to eat you.

  31. I followed the links you posted and then some more and found out Benedict Cumberbatch is sad he doesn’t have children. I’m booking my ticket to GB this second.
    (JK. Well maybe)

  32. Can you ask that Benedict Cumberbatch wear the Koala costume while he’s in the truck full of slow lorises (slow lori?)

    Because. Sherlock Koala.

  33. Melbourne is amazing! You have to go to the historic gaol (Australian’s spell jail wrong!) there. Also 12 Apostles formation is lovely (and oddly numbered because several have fallen in and there is a great cheese company nearby). It is oddly disconcerting looking out over the ocean there because the next land you’d get to be Antarctica. I also enjoyed all the signs along the road telling us which side of the road we should be driving on because I guess tourists often forget (this probably doesn’t speak well to the safety of the drive).

  35. Hi there, just wanted to tell you that I live in the same suburb as Greg Wiggle, I see him doing the grocery shopping all the time.
    Would you like me to put in a request for his services as your tour guide?

  36. i’m in australia!! AND i’m from texas…. which naturally makes me a little bit bat-shit crazy. clearly we’re practically sisters!!

    i’m only a few km’s away (that metric speak for ‘miles’) from a gorgeous sanctuary where i’ll take you to cuddle koalas and pet kangies. and then we will drive up the coast to see THE BIG PINEAPPLE and then down south a bit to see THE BIG BANANA. if we go all the way to victoria, i can also show you THE BIG PRAWN (that’s ozzie for ‘shrimp’).

    see you soon, xoxo

  38. I am so excited you’re coming to visit my country! You are going to have a blast! (Please don’t blow up anything) (unless it’s Tony Abbott)

  40. I can’t wait for the pictures of this trip. Koala Bear boxing Kangaroo costumed pudding matches! (cut to instant deportation) Good luck.

  41. You do know that EVERYTHING in Australia will kill you! They have bugs, spiders and snakes and shit that will kill you and then kill you again, then bite you! That is one place I am “poop my pants” scared to visit. Brown recluse spiders got nothing on Australian spiders!

  42. Wallaby!
    They’re like a toy kangaroo. But too big for a purse, unless you are making a purse out of them.
    DON’T MAKE A PURSE OUT OF A WALLABY!

  44. HURRAH! As a Aussie this makes me super happy! As long as I can skip work and stalk you from place to place.
    New Zealand has nothing on us (except the hobbit thing), but we have things that can kill you and furry cute things and loads of great stuff!
    Come to Sydney!

  46. As well as a big banana we also have a big sheep, a big orange , a big lobster, a big rocking horse , just to name a few. And that stuff about Adelaide is totally true. You can drive past the house where they found a body in a freezer or visit a haunted jail. You know about the bodies in the barrels, that was Adelaide too.

  48. Coming from New Zealand, we don’t like Australia 🙂 It has killing things (snakes, spiders, sharks…) – it’s a country trying to kill everything inside it. NZ has a flightless bird as our national icon (kiwi)!

    Also, random fact for today – koala bears aren’t bears. They are cute though, however they are breeding grounds for eye diseases (conjunctivitis). Once again, Australia trying to kill inhabitants one eye disease at a time…

  49. I have a lot of friends down under on Facebook, but the odds of them seeing me in person is pretty low because I hate traveling also. I can’t imagine what they could allow me to do that would make such a trip worthwhile, but your list is a good place to start.

  52. I will totally meet you at the Big Banana. That’s only 400km from where I live, but we are just about to move back to Coffs Harbour soon, because we used to live there, and it’s a long story, but honestly I would love to show you the Big Banana. We have lots of other Big things too – you should Google that, assorted gigantic fruit, animals and interesting human activities, immortalized in super sized concrete and fiberglass. You will love them. 🙂

  53. Wait a minute, it’s completely understandable that you were confused about New Zealand and Australia. When I clicked on the link it took me to the site and it says in clearly marked (or typed) letters AIR NEW ZEALAND. This would lead me to believe the flights took you to New Zealand. I mean Alaska Air flies to Alaska, British Air to Britain, and Hawaiian Air to Hawaii. How could you NOT think you were going to Hobbit land?

  55. There seems to be a theme here; your previous blog had you running around in bear head, now you’re stating you have a koala costume, are you sure you aren’t a furry???

  56. Be sure you can get your taxidermy out of NewStralia just in case they ask you to vacate the premises.

  57. You’ll love Oz! I’ve been living here for the last two years after meeting a sexy Aussie who knocked me up, married me, and caused me to pull up my Colorado roots. Los of Kangaroos, lots of beaches, nil Mexican food.

  59. Whenever my BFF and I travel together, our #2 goal is always:

    – Do NOT Get Run Over by:
    * Cars, trucks, buses, taxis, etc.
    * Mopeds
    * Bicycles
    * Trains
    * Large crowds
    * Horse-drawn wagons
    * Wild animals
    * Stampedes of any sort

    We add onto this list whenever we encounter anything new we don’t want to get run over with. Feel free to copy us. You’re welcome.

    (Btw, our #1 goal is the same as yours – don’t die. So far we’ve done 3 international trips together and lived to tell the tales. Goal accomplished.)

  60. I don’t want to brag but I’ve been to the Big Banana. And have seen two kangaroos fighting each other (in the wild, not in an actual boxing ring). And I’ve lived in New Zealand (pre hobbits though, so it doesn’t really count) And now I live in Australia (in the state of Queensland, which is home to a thing called The Big Pineapple. You should totally add that to your Life List.) I’ve also seen The Wiggles perform, which sadly was nowhere near as sexy as I thought it was going to be but I’m sure having Greg drive you around in his Big Red Car will be. After all, it’s a convertible. Have a great trip!! Can’t wait to have you here!!

  62. OMG!! This is like one of the only things I’ve ever seen that makes me want to become some sort of a productive member of society so I can have money to travel. Hmm, I should probably try to start soon. I need to be there during our winter. Maybe I can find something that will pay for plane tickets directly instead of leaving me in charge of buying them.

  63. if you can, go to Prince Phillip (I think? It’s south of Melbourne) Island and see the Fairy Penguins. They are itty bitty and adorable and they swim out of the ocean and waddle up the beach to their burrows.

    and there’s a petting zoo outside of Sydney that you can go to and handfeed wallabies and hold a koala.

  65. I was doing great until I read about instigating a murder… Now I feel the need to book that trip with you so I can turn the lights on and off as you predict who the murderer is…
    “I believe the murderer is…”
    Lights go out. Someone screams. Lights turn on…
    “We’ll, I was going to guess her, but she is dead now, so back to the drawing board on that one.”

  66. I’m pretty sure Australia won’t kick you out but will totally be on board because they love wacky stuff. In fact, I’m pretty sure they can even come up with stuff you NEVER THOUGHT OF!

    You will probably be in your element in Australia so I’m hoping you have the best trip ever!

    Don’t take your bear suit because it will be summer when you are there. THAT’S how wacky Australia is.

  68. Looking forward to stalking you while you’re here! The big banana is a sight to behold, but if you stretch and go to the big pineapple you can ride the big macadamia nut train.

    BTW, a koala would be very offended to be called a bear. It’s the drop bears that you have to watch out for!

  70. And yes it is true that the water in Austrilian toilets flow opposite of ours. But it is only because of the way they are made. If you take an American toilet to Austrailia the water will spin the same way it does here. I saw it on Mythbusters I think.

  72. If Tourism doesn’t bring you to Tasmania, I will be seriously upset. We’re the prettiest part, but everyone ignores us like we’re some kind of weird cousin. TASMANIA COUNTS, ALRIGHT?

    Sob.

    (Australia is awesome. And not nearly as dangerous as you’ve been led to believe. But don’t tell anyone else that, or you’ll ruin it.)

  75. God, I love you. Also Benedict. And I was totally thinking about the Wiggles in the shower this morning (NOT IN THE WAY YOU THINK), which was weird because my kids have been well out of the Wiggles demographic for at least 5 years, but I still have that stupid fruit salad song stuck in my head.

  77. I can appreciate your enthusiasm but it may be rather hot in Australia to be constantly in full costume, plus you may be responsible for all the additional baggage fees…food for thought.

  78. I totally volunteer to be bag schlepper for both of you…. You can now add another continent to your list of those you’re in the midst of destroying.

  79. Please stop making me laugh like a crazy lady while my kid semi-drowns during swimming lessons. You’re making me look like a very, very bad mother… and I’m pretty gifted in that department with your help thankyouverymuch.

    Happy travels!

  80. Just remember to watch “Right, Left then Right again” when crossing the streets. Opposite of America! Also based on the evidence of reading your blog I think you should NOT be allowed to drive! I would still like my favorite blogger to return to the USA in good shape!

    P.S. How do others of us get on this sponsored trip? I’ll go to carry your baggage. SInce I take the same or maybe more medicine than you I am a safe bet to guard your Xanax stash!

  81. You know you could actually come to New Zealand as well. It’s actually more interesting/fun than Australia and, well, Hobbits. There’s some living next door to me…

  82. Most female marsupials have multiple uteri which leads the males to have a bifurcated penis. They look forked like a snake’s tongue. I seriously can’t imagine the taxidermy that this would lead to. Incidentely, the only other obvious physical difference between placentals (us) and marsupials beyond the paired genitals are that marsupials have different dentition (more molars for one). And if you get the chance, you totally need to see a tasmanian devil. The Looney Tunes cartoon version has nothing on the real one. Upon reading this, I’m realizing I paid far more attention in Zoology classes than I thought I did.

  84. Wonderin’ which secret agency list I’m on now that I clicked on the kangaroo vagina link. I did not have on my tinfoil cap.

  85. I will be stalking Koala Park waiting for you to turn up in your koala onesie. Also, koalas aren’t bears so best leave the panda suit behind otherwise you will offend the koalas and they will get all nasty and drool their stinky spit on you. No one wants that.

  86. LOL!!! I’ve been to the Big Banana and the Big Pineapple!!! Sadly they aren’t THAT exciting but it’s fun to get your pics taken with giant fruit and wander around the plantation! And Kangaroos are MEAN. They’ll box you for no reason at all. When I was there, some lady was totally attacked by one and ended up in the hospital with broken ribs and a broken nose. Come to think about it, it probably has to do with their 3 vaginas…the one I have makes me MEAN! I can’t imagine having 3!!

  87. Hahahaha. Please dear God, make the Benedict Cumberbatch thing happen. I need to see pictures of that. I’m putting it on MY life list right now.

  88. I named my cat Sir Wembly Snodgrass Cumberbatch III. I love him. (Benedict Cumberbatch not the cat the cat’s an asshole.)

  89. You should just add GO TO NEW ZEALAND on your life list…

    Because I think us Kiwi’s would put up a fight if you tried to drop us in Australia…

    PS.. Can’t wait to see what you end up doing.
    PPS While you are so close you realllly should just jump the ditch and visit New Zealand.

    We would be kind to you.

    xoxo

  90. I don’t know about the drop bears, but koalas will definitely pee on your head. Hats are a good idea!

  91. Jealous!! I went to Australia when I was in college (travel class! graded and covered by student loans). I didn’t get killed by anything there.

    But what is a bifid penis?

  92. I love Priscilla Queen of the Desert. And Benedict Cumberbatch. And bananas. Those shockingly aren’t related. That I know of.

  94. After a million years we saved up to go for two weeks. Thankfully we had board (the BIL’s family). Best adventure of our lives.

    Totally ask to see a poison cane toad race!! And something that will totally make you bounce up and down on your seat, ask to see frozen dead cane toad sculptures!! NO LIE!!! TRUE!!! http://www.agric.wa.gov.au/PC_93071.html?s=0 …mind you after they ‘thaw’ they’d probably be a little nasty….. If you find the whole episode of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5Cpn-K3v8c you can see.

  97. Go find some monotremes. Platypuses are the ones everyone knows about (the world’s only poisonous mammal!) but echidnas are cuter! 🙂

  98. With your penchant for creepy dolls, i’m sure this will give “shrimp on the barbie” a while new meaning………you were warned big bananas and kangaroos!

  99. I forgot to say, when I responded to your e-mail, THANK YOU for not sending me directly to Wil Wheaton Collating.

    Do NOT box a kangaroo. It hurts. A lot.

    D

  101. Holy shit! You should have a day where you just hang out with regular Australians and we can teach you about the wildlife. I will totally commit to taking you to the zoo.

  102. You’ve got to come to South Australia. We are known for our serial killers. Lots of weird shit happens here. Plus I would totally take you on a tour of the wineries and to you could wear the panda suit to visit the pandas@ Adelaide zoo. Also more than happy for you to crash on my couch:)

  104. My father tried to box a kangaroo when he was in Australia in the late 60s or early 70s, and said he got knocked down in seconds. Alcohol may have been (read: was most certainly) a factor in this.

  106. They have two vaginas- “This is a feature of all marsupials, not just kangaroos. Wombats, koalas, possums and opossums, Tasmanian devils, quolls, wallabies – the females all have two sets of reproductive structures.”

    My husband: “I should’ve married a kangaroo.”

    Nice.

  107. If you come to Melbourne there are a few ghost tours that you should really go on.
    I, like the rest of your Australian fans (I imagine), would be more than happy to show you around!
    (that probably sounds creepy…)

  108. Australia is awesome, though I must admit I liked New Zealand better (and we totally went to where they filmed The Hobbit). Also, there’s nothing poisonous in New Zealand. In Oz I stayed in a cabin in the bush and used an outhouse at night and didn’t get bit by anything terminally poisonous, so you should be fine too.

    I highly recommend just buying sunscreen when you get there. The ozone is thinner, and American sunscreen gets you about five minutes before you get burned.

  109. Okay. But just remember: even if you’re wearing a koala suit, a kangaroo is NOT a bear. It’s okay for them to wear mittens, though.

  110. i freakin’ haaaaated those lists. then life kind of fell apart and putting one together was sort of inspiring. and researching which particular island off the coast of thailand i’d like to buy is an easy way to kill about four hours which, honestly, i would’ve spent clicking from facebook to ebay to pinterest and back again ad nauseam.

  112. How could you pass up the chance to visit the land of sunshine and sharks and drink Fosters and have Australian philosophy professors call you “Shiela” and sing songs about how Rene Descartes was a drunken fart?

    Yeah–I probably shouldn’t be let into Australia any time soon 🙁

  113. Great to see you getting out of ‘Merica, you’ll love ‘Stralia (seriously thats how they pronounce it) but it’ll be a cold day in hell before New Zealand moves to Australia – thats why we have the Tasman Sea to keep those sons-of-convicts away from us (and daughters-of-convicts too, didnt want to seem sexist, but sons-of just flows better than daughters-of when you’re ranting)
    Anyway, you should totally convince the Australian tourism board to send you to NZ too. that would totally confuse them. Feel free to bring the Koala outfit and Benedict with you.

  114. Greg Wiggle owns the world’s largest collection of Elvis memorabilia and has turned it into a museum. Another place to visit!

    My dad wanted to run real life murder mystery bus tours in Adelaide in his retirement, except I told him he’s so odd no one would get on the bus with him. But kangaroos do hop down our suburban street occasionally.

    Watch Wolf Creek before you come!

  115. I went to Australia once. You can buy roo pelts there. I have one. You can also buy pouches made of roo testicle sacs. True story. I do not have one. Also, can you pet the koalas and also the wombats, but NOT the Tasmanian Devils. Also, you should go to Wunderland theme park. It’s like the Disneyland but for Hannah Barbera. They have a real life Mystery Machine from Scooby Doo. !!!

  116. Please come and visit us Down Under. I’ve lived here my whole life and never been killed by any of the dangerous things we are known for!

  117. Jenny – come to New Zealand!!! It’s SO much safer than Australia (no boxing kangaroos, deadly snakes (no snakes for that matter), or deadly spiders).

    Seriously, we have a spare room!! We might even be able to find some hobbits for you to share it with. Or people who worked with hobbits, anyway.

    PS. We don’t want to be part of Australia. We love them, but that would be like living with your annoying older brother for the rest of your life.

  119. Oh, and I forgot to say – I think Greg Wiggle is in NZ in November. I’m just saying… 🙂

  120. If it makes you feel any better about flying, I’m furiously jealous that you’re going to Australia with someone who is OBVIOUSLY so awesome. And in general.

  121. In Queensland they have Cane toad races. BUT if you come to Australia you HAVE to come to Tasmania and I will find a red car and impersonate a wiggle for you and take you on a Tasmanian tour.

  122. Oh, the sleeper train. I am sure it is even better than when I took it 30 years ago. (I am half Australian and not even a little offended. Just don’t ask which half.) And, if you want to read one of the best Australian writers ever, pick up the new edition of Dancing on Coral by Glenda Adamswhile you are there.

  123. Think of all the exotic taxidermy — wombats and tasminian devils and emus, oh my!

    Speaking of exotic animals, they let you hold the koalas. And it’s awesome. Because those furry little dudes are high out of their fucking minds 23.5 hours a day, so they don’t even mind that you’re cuddling them nearly to death and taking all sorts of embarrassing pictures of them. You must look into this immediately — its the perfect use for your koala costume.

  125. Be careful. Their critters could beat up Sandy Cheeks, like all the deadliest animals are in Australia. Maybe you should study by trying to find some sort of documentaryish Animal show about them. Youtube maybe? Not just so you can be like, “I can totally kick this kangaroo’s ass because i saw a youtube video on how to,” but also so you can be like, “and did you know? And did you know? And is this true?” You can be like Crocodile Dundee, speaking of which, you should also research the rules about bringing back taxidermied animals because I got a feeling the roadkill out there would be worthy of bringing home stuffed.

  126. Please, Please – if you make it to Melbourne, Look up my friend and fellow citiizen of the Aerican Empire, Brand Luci. He is wildly entertaining, and runs a SconeBar – selling delightful tea blends, scones, and other yummy goodies.

    (He is on Google+ – +Brand Luci – and here is his SconeBar site: http://sconebar.com.au/ )

  128. IF you’re coming to Melbourne, and I really hope you are, I’d love to show you around! Or maybe even drive you along the Great Ocean Road so you can see the Apostles…
    (I promise I’m quite normal – god, that’s a double edged sword isn’t it? I’m not a nutter who will hurt you but hopefully not so boring that you wish you’d picked some other tour guide).
    Cheers,
    Cate
    PS- read the Bill Bryson book: it’s the best intro to Australia.

  130. Oh, and you can be like Ellen and invent Koalaing too. No for real though, you should take a picture of you armadilloing for Patti– Insane in the Mom Brain, seeing how she is the reason I found your blog (I can still remember the Facebook chat that led me here). We need something new to follow baby mugging, and someone invented koalaing before Patti did (she has no idea who, it was already in google when she posted that blog) and Ellen already invented it after Patti, but Armadilloing I think is better anyway because you get to make dead face expressions, and is totally all Patti.

    http://www.insanemombrain.com/2011/07/sometimes-when-i-have-lots-of-time-on.html

  131. OK. Come visit here!! hunter Valley! Port Stephens! Newcastle!
    We’ve totally got kangaroos that you can box or pat. You’ll love it.

  132. I have a kangaroo costume that you can borrow. It’s even in Texas at the moment with my niece so you wouldn’t even have to get on a plane to get it. She borrowed it and loves it. But then you might need to box her to take possession. Consider it a practice round.

  136. Oh lord. The ONLY thing on my life list is going to Australia but it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to afford it anytime soon, so you are hereby authorized to do all the stuff that I would do so that I can live vicariously through you.
    It leaves you a lot of leeway.

  138. I think Benedict’s face would be more extreme than that on account of him being held hostage on a trip to South Africa. I don’t see him getting into the back of a truck without a fight…

  139. I have done a lot of stuff on your list. Giant Banana – check, hold a koala – check (and they SMELL!), ride a camel – check, feed the kangaroos – check (just don’t pet the joey, the mama will bite)

    I would also recommend climbing the Sydney Harbor Bridge, horseback riding in the Blue Mountains, seeing Uluru, and drinking plenty of beer/wine (just not Foster’s, it’s like the Bud Light of Australia, but worse). It’s a fun place and worth the day it takes to get there.

  140. Australua isn’t offended at all, cause secretly we know you all want to be one of us, but we fill our country with the deadliest of all the creatures to keep out the wankers ( we have enough of our own, we call them bogans) . We will try and keep all the deadly animals to a minimum for you, though. Just cause we are nice like that.

  141. Maybe Australia might kick me out though, as apparently I can’t even spell the name of my own damn country though…… Meh they will just feed me to the red backs instead……..

  142. Greg Wiggle is not a good choice for your driver… He has some heart condition that could totally make him drop. Go with Murray, he seems like a solid choice.

  143. A kangaroo scrotum purse and a cane toad purse would go nicely on your mantle.
    All the deadly animals stay away from tourists and honestly we made some of them up to keep too many tourists away.

    Will enjoy hearing your stories as I know you’ll find the stranger things to do and we’ve plenty. Anyone can go and climb the old coathanger like Oprah!

  144. Dear Jenny

    When you visit Melbourne, you and Laura are invited to my house for dinner. I even have a nice bathroom you can hide in if you don’t feel like talking. Also, you’ll have to sign my kindle as that’s where your book resides in my house.

    Sincerely
    Tracey

  145. When youve had enough of Scenic Views you could get interactive with the locals eg. Bondi Beach swim a la Paris Hilton and arrange a few free homestays a la Amanda Palmer and smile sweetly and laugh at our jokes in return for a free bed

  146. OMG. I live near the big banana, and I have boxing kangaroos, and you can hide in my bathroom, and I’ll start digging a shallow grave in the top paddock today.

  147. I think we should meet up for some koala cuddling while you’re here in Australia. You’ll love it here. Love it.

  149. If you can’t box a kangaroo, perhaps you can play with one of these. Or, get two small ones and let them be earrings… http://tinyurl.com/q39tlu2
    A friend of mine says koalas can be kind of bitey, so be careful.

  150. If you want to see kangaroos & wallabies up close, come to Ballarat – the Ballarat Wildlife Park (which is just around the corner from us) is awesome!! Ballarat is in Victoria, the most southerly state on the main continent. Tasmania is further south, but it is an island, and you take a plane or boat to get there. It’s also awesome to visit, especially if you like ghosts and murders (Port Arthur’s history is worth a look). Please keep us posted on your itinerary so we can stalk…. errrr I mean visit you!

  153. Ohhh Australia would love to have you! I live in Brisbane, Aust, and as I ride a kangaroo to work, you are more than welcome to come over and pudding wrestle with him. May need a few days notice, cos if I have to leave the Kanga at home and ride the Crocodile to work…let’s just say I may need to buy some protective clothing.

    One note about Australia though, watch out for Drop Bears!!

  154. You can come and stay in my spare room, just as soon as I convince my son it’s time to move out so I can have a spare room. And I will show you Melbourne. Well, my bit of Melbourne. Should take about fifteen minutes *sigh*. The rest of it is good, though. Not nearly as many deadly animals as you would think. Even my cat won’t try to kill you too much.

    Have fun!

  157. Will there be twerking? I am only in if there is.

    Also, random creepy info I think you may enjoy. I heard when considering offering non-stop, crazy long flights from the US to Australia, a well known airline installed a “coffin chamber” which is a neat little compartment where you can stow a dead body in case someone expires on the 20 hour flight.

  158. I live in Australia!
    You should come visit me, I’ll show you around some places – like this one place near me where you can go camp near the beach, but it’s in a weapons range where the navy practise bombs.

    You could probably do a lot of cheap car/campervan hire if you wanted. Try here: http://deals.vroomvroomvroom.com.au/

    Yes, female kangaroos have 3 vaginas, and male kangaroos have something equally weird going on. I know, because my university campus is out in the sticks, and the ‘roos kind of own the place. I don’t touch them, but the biggest male roo bounced his genitalia past me once.

    And even though Amanda Palmer JUST left Australia, I can show you where she went and see if a couple of her Australian favourites are playing gigs for you.

    Some of the rural towns are beautiful and will remind you of Texas I think. At least, you might find shooting ranges there if you miss being in ‘Murica.

    There are a lot of “Giant” things to see here. Like, this many: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australia's_big_things

    “Official” Australia tourism video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdihHnaOQsk

  164. Come to Tasmania. You could do a couple of middle of the night ghost tours and Who Done It Murder Dinner thing without the dinner unless you’re buying!

  166. Holy snapping duck sh*t – here she comes!

    Yeah, for sure the number of things that can kill you here will leave you gobsmacked, but we Aussies figure there’s no point carrying on like a pork chop about it so we pretty much ignore them and most of them leave us alone. Except for Eastern Browns, sharks and Collingwood supporters. Run like the bloody blue blazers if you see those bastards.

    No worries Jen – you’ll have a grouse time in Oz, but you better get over your fear of flying (or dope yourself up to the eyeballs before you board) – the passenger rail services in this country are cactus.

    Cheers big ears….can’t wait!

  167. Screw Australia, just come straight to NZ. Think of the hobbits. You really want to see Hobbits, right? And we’re not riddled with animals trying to kill us – there aren’t even any snakes here!

  168. OMG

    screw trying to win a flight I’M ALREADY HERE

    *stalks when plane touches down*

    Come to Brisbane. Do it. No one ever does, stupid Melbourne nd Sydney attracting people. Just north of us is Australia Zoo, which Steve Irwin opened. They totally have koalas and kangaroos and shif

  169. And they have two uteruses (uterii? Or is uterus like fish in that it’s one fish two fish (red fish blue fish) – one uterus two uterus red uterus blue uterus?) (octopus is pluralized to octopode but uterus don’t have feet). But even more crazy are platypuses (platypodes? platypussies? Platypi?) and echidnas (the only two monotremes). DO NOT look up monotreme penis. And they don’t have nipples they just sweat milk. Australia has some backwards ass animals. And by now you have googled monotreme penis – don’t say I didn’t tell you. Stuff of nightmares.

  170. You should totally have a sleep over at my place. You may have to share my daughter’s room but she’s cute and only sometimes talks in her sleep.

  171. BTW, I went on an awesome winery tour in McLaren Vale near Adelaide. We literally rode camels from one winery to another wearing bright neon straw hats decorated with feathers and ribbons. You need to do this. It gets more ridiculous as the day goes on.

  172. You should check to see whether New Zealand has an extradition agreement with Austraila so you’ll know if you can hide there when the poop (inevitably) hits the fan.

  174. Joining in the excited cries from fellow Australians! If you take the Indian Pacific train it means you should end up in Western Australia. We have the world’s biggest rock.

  175. I so would love to be on this trip with y’all. What an experience! Koala suits, 3 vagina’d kangaroos, ghost towns with serial killers, the Australian version of the Orient Express – the book/screenplay practical writes itself!

  176. You totally have to visit Tasmania and you can stay here, as I have spare beds, and can speak fluent American, Aussie, Kiwi, and English (as well as a bit of drunken Scotts). So I can act as your translator 😀 I also think you should put the giant earthworm on your list of “must sees”. (It’s in Southern Victoria)
    Oh and BTW…more than half of New Zealand is already in Australia! 😉 ( 😛 to all my kiwi frunds )
    P.S. Tassie has better penguin tours than Phillip Island and it’s the home of the Tasmanian devil which is why you shouldn’t miss it from your tour!

  177. I see someone already posted the Scared Weird Little Guys link, but seriously you MUST come to Tasmania, we have lots for you to see, and you must visit MONA, (Museum Old New Art) which is the best tourist attraction in Australia.

    We have the cutest animals and the best wine, food and cheese.

  179. Ha! You should totally go. Discover the joy and self loathing created by devouring an entire package of Tim Tams. My husband just got back from a business trip there and per usual, he brought back a local junk food. In particular, a whole box of many smaller boxes of Tim Tams. They are totally worth it. The Vegemite he brought back? Not so worth it.

    Also, apparently kangaroo meat isn’t that great. Save a meal and avoid that. And watch out for snakes on planes. Seriously. Google it. Snakes love Quantas.

  180. You should know, if the whole semi-drugged Benedict Cumberbatch thing works out, I can be in the Austin area in less than 4 hours. Think about it. I can bring wine slushies. And all 6 of my copies of the Hobbit, which he will surely want to act out with us. SURELY.

  182. In the immortal words of Dr. Horrible (via Neil Patrick Harris as written by Joss Whedon…a sentence of awesomeness if I’ve ever seen)…

    And Penny will see the evil me
    Not a joke not a dork not a failure
    And she may cry but her tears will dry
    When I hand her the keys to a shiny new Australia.

  183. Australia is a lot like Texas… Everything is bigger, including the fibs…

    The reason the critters are so poisonous is because their fangs are so tiny. (Does this sound like a familiar complex?) In actuality, if you’re wearing closed shoes and long pants, even thin ones, you’re pretty safe even from the snakes. And there are no huge and terrifying predators like bears or mountain lions, and not even large and possibly dangerous ungulates like bison, moose or elk.

    Don’t get me wrong, if you’re truly stupid you can get injured or killed as easily here as anywhere. Roos and especially cassowaries can be dangerous, and crocs are certainly nothing to scoff at. But the last two have obvious and limited territories, and I feel safer here out under the stars in a flimsy tent than I did in my pop-out camping trailer in a lot of the American national parks.

    I think Australia has a need (like Texas) to maintain a very particular image, even though it’s a long way from reality. That said, it’s all the things NOT advertised (that spoiled Aussies take for granted), that make Down Under so awesome.

  186. We took our four kids to Australia when the littlest was a year old (my in laws lived there and payed for the tickets) and she (the youngest) had a massive diaper blow out right before we landed. It was a mess and I ended up throwing the entire outfit away in a Sydney airport bathroom. Also, the koalas have crazy talon claws and most of them have syphilis, but they’re endangered and very protected. Kangaroos on the other hand are everywhere and are relatively sweet and I can’t count how many of them I saw dead on the side of the road (potential taxidermy opportunity there). Also I have a picture of our youngest all by herself surrounded by kangaroos and it looks like we just left her there to be eaten by them.

    I hope you have a great time!

  189. You will love Australia. I went a couple of years ago and had a blast. Held a koala at Australia Zoo (Steve Irwin’s zoo). They are very soft. So are kangaroos. Try to go whale watching if you can. Dingos are a lot smaller than you think they are. If you get to Sydney, tour the Opera House. Very interesting and informative. If you have any questions, feel free to email me.

  190. I’ve always wanted to go Down Under after seeing the movie The Man From Snowy River – I have a thing for wild horses and bull whips. My husband lived there for six months when he was a teenager and described the FUCKING HUGE spider that lived behind a framed picture on the livingroom wall in the house they rented. It was the size of a bread plate. I also started reading about all of the other large poisonous spiders that live there and I thought: “Screw you Man from Snowy River, I’m not going there.”

  191. Oh, one more… you should consider going on The Bounty in Sydney harbor. It’s the replica that they made for the movie and I totally thought it would be lame, but you get to pull the rigging and help sail the ship. And they serve booze and appetizers. I was pleasantly surprised.

  193. I am an American who lived in Australia somewhat briefly between 1989-1991. About a quarter of a century ago. So I am an expert.
    1) If you fly Qantas, you will be completely RUINED for air travel on any American airline currently in existence. Yes, even First Class. There is no comparison to Qantas. You may not want to get off the plane when the flight is over.
    2) BUY INSECTICIDE immediately. If you can find insecticide in the airport, buy it there. I don’t want to frighten you or put you off this wonderful continent of joy…but–just have bug spray on you. Strong bug spray.
    3) The people there are seriously wonderful folk, to a man and woman; but you may not be able to understand what they are saying some of the time. Much like American Southerners, they don’t really talk the way you hear them talk in movies and TV shows.
    4) Koalas are famous for ingesting nothing other than eucalyptus leaves. Normally they don’t even drink water–they just eat the little leaves! So you’d expect koalas to smell something like a cough drop, wouldn’t you? …No. The closest comparison to koala-funk that I can provide would be the smell of a bathroom carpet in the upstairs toilet of a frat house that has seen constant occupation since shortly after the end of WWII. So try not to be too disappointed or horrified or you may offend the lovely Australians, who are just the loveliest people. Nicer than American Southerners, even.
    5) Eat at Asian restaurants. Eat at Mediterranean restaurants. Eat Italian. Eat German if you can find it. Eat Witchetty Grubs if they are offered. DO NOT EAT PUB FOOD. Do whatever you can within the bounds of politeness to avoid being treated to Aussie “home cooking.” These people emulate the British in most of their culture. I will say no more.
    I love you to pieces and I hope and expect that you will have a wonderful time! You will not regret traveling to the other side of Planet Earth!

  194. Im from Adelaide! aka crazy murder capital of Australia and I also know of a place where you can hold koalas and could totally do it while dressed as one…. its a place my dads cousins own called the Gorge Wildlife park and you can also feed wallabies and kangaroos.
    Anyway hopefully you see this message and come to Australia, feel free to have as many nervous breakdowns and panic attacks as you like as I myself had so so many when I was traveling the US a few years ago with my now fiance (yep after seeing me in full batshit crazy mode on and of for 10 weeks he still wants to be with me) so it would kind of be like an exchange of panic attacks I had lots in your country so I invite you to have lots in mine, then it all sort of evens out.
    phew cant belive I wrote such a long rambly post, got a bit excited about you coming to Australia even thought we probably wont meet, I got a bit over excited that Adelaide was mentioned lol

  195. Cumberbatch. Fun to say, fun to look at.

    I put Australia on my bucketlist when I did a project on it in elementary school, and my bucket was just a plastic pail and shovel.

  196. While you are drunk with power, I vote you make Benedict Cumberbatch a verb, as in, “I’m about to go all Benedict Cumberbatch on your third vagina if you don’t knock it off, motherfucker.”

  197. Oh sure, troll for positive comments by posting a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch…

    **frantically Googles for pictures of Benny to post on her blog**

    Australians are marvelous people. They’ll love you.

  198. SHIT! Who knew Australia had all these killer animals/things- LITERALLY?!?! I learned something new today- stay the hell away from Australia if I want to live….

  200. Yay! You’re coming to Aus! Or as we like to call it: ‘straya’.
    Just think of all the awesome, terrifying stuffed animals you’ll bring back to torment Victor with!
    Looks like you’ll be here in summer, which means you’ll be stuck with hot and humid weather. Also watch out as that is when the spiders and snakes are out.
    Protip: we talk fast, swear a lot and tend to shorten everything.
    Also, we love to torture tourists with vegimite. It is amazing stuff, as long as you’ve only got a sliver of it on toast which has been smothered in butter.

  201. Who knew 2 minutes and 37 seconds of watching a slow loris eating a rice ball could be that mesmerizing. The eyes are like Kaa the snake in The Jungle Book. It can away with anything with those eyes. Probably even a murder on the Orient Express in Australia.

    Keep being awesome, Jenny.

  202. I have been to the Big Banana. Go. You’ll love it. They sell little animal statues in the gift shop–totally up your alley.

  204. I drive past an field every day where kangaroos hang out, on my way to work. Since spring started, I keep seeing them box. It’s a bit awesome. They seem weirdly relaxed about it. One thing not commonly appreciated about kangaroos is that they love to just lounge around, like bosses.

  205. It’s like a 24 hour flight to Australia. There are not enough drugs in the world to get me there.

  206. Gary, even in Australia, where we value our eccentrics, arriving with a toilet might draw comment. Better to enjoy the phenomenon of the wrong way water I think. 😉

    Thrilled that you’re coming down under. Don’t listen to people about the spiders and snakes, they’re much like bears – not dangerous unless you get up in their business and annoy them. If you venture to the top end, though, do take notice of signs about crocodiles. Those sign-makers know whereof they speak.

    also take notice of anyone offering you a tim tam. you will like them. both the biscuit (cookie, although not like any american cookie I’ve ever seen) and the person offering.

    Can’t wait!

  207. Koalas smell like cat pee, damn near broke my heart and singed my nose hairs when I had a chance to pat them. Have a blast, Oz rocks!

  208. The kangaroos TOTALLY box each other, and it is awesome. Koalas have the sweetest breath of any creature I have ever known, and they are so woolly! You will have a great time. I only saw baby- free dingoes, though.

  209. I went to Australia last year. I was pooped on by fruitbats, koalas and rock wallabies. And it was AWESOME! This is not the koala that pooped on me: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sarameg/8202504168/in/set-72157632059904491 But several of these rock wallabies might’ve http://www.flickr.com/photos/sarameg/8201525465/in/set-72157632063996168

    Also, was told I had a cute accent a lot. Which is a novelty since I have virtually no distinguishable accent to USians.

  210. You want to Stalk camels dressed as Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?
    Are the camels to be dressed as Priscilla or are you?

  211. You have to come to Australia , you can stay at my place. Will kick husband and children out.. They won’t mind.. The Ghan or the Overlander is the train you can hop on AND one of them stops at our train station.. AND there is a koala park,Lone Pine a half an hour away AND it has kangaroos hopping around AND you can feed them..ooh ooh AND Australia zoo is a 2hr drive away, you know! Where Steve Irwin used to live.. Terri, Bindi & Robert still do shows…

  212. LMAO! I want to go to Australia with you and follow you around with a video camera (totally not in a stalker way, just to document your awesomeness to share with the world). I about fell out of my chair laughing about the dingo traps with babies inside. And holding a koala while wearing a koala suit… that is just pure genius!!!

  213. That slow-lorises thing is fucking WEIRD.

    Australians have lots of delightful slang, so I suggest you learn some. My friend Jo taught me about “chucking a sickie”, which is much more entertaining than taking a sick day when you’re not actually sick. And I second the person who said don’t read Bill Bryson’s book.

  214. There are a few wildlife reserves where you can feed kangaroos and wallabies from your hand. You can also hold a koala and if you do you will want your koala suit on because there is a high chance you could get peed on. The flight there is very very very LONG. Drugs would in fact be recommended. Or necessary. I loved Australia. It’s the closest thing to traveling to another planet. Everything is quite bizarre. Including the accent. They are supposedly speaking English but they’re really not.

  215. If I was still in Australia I would be all-sorts of excited about your visit. Now I’m just slightly horrified about the whole NZ inside Australia thing. I think the Kiwis will be not too happy. (Kinda how we Canadians hate that ‘Mericans think Canada is another state)

    Anyway I digress… the point WAS. If you’re interested in murder and trains etc. in Australia, you really should pick up the Phryne Fisher series. It’s a whole set of books set in the 20’s and Phryne is this amazing detective chick who is forever solving mysteries (The Murder on the Ballarat Express is the train one I think…). Definitely one of my favourite things I discovered while in Oz.

  216. OH MY GOD, you HAVE to take advantage of this whole” fulfilling your life list” thing. For example, perhaps your life list includes visiting The Great Barrier Reef! With Nathan Fillion! While you wear custom twine bathing suits!

  217. Australia is an amazing place! I will never forget riding around on the back of a truck in the Australian outback. It was a cattle ranch, and the cattle were watching us in an accusatory fashion. It was like being in a Gary Larson cartoon.

  219. Look at all these Aussies offering to put you up in their very houses and take you to wonderful places and make all your wishes come true. I TOLD you–lovely people.

  220. Have fun in Australia. I’ve never been there. I read about this guy, Alexander, who had a very bad day and went there forever. Or put it on his Go Mighty List or something. I would avoid him while you are there. He seemed a little crabby.

  222. As it happens Jenny, I live in Adelaide, the Serial Killer Capital.
    I can totally arrange a visit to the Snowtown Bank – famous for the bodies in the barrels case – check out the movie “Snowtown” as a warm up. I can take you to the wildlife reserve where you can hold Koalas and pudding wrestle kangaroos (though in summer I think they prefer jelly).
    Don’t be suckered into only visiting fancy Sydney and Melbourne. Come to Adelaide, where things are weird and wonderful. I’ll be your tour guide and we can have awkward conversations!

  226. Never saw the big banana, but I did see the big pineapple and the big macadamia nut (which kind of looks like a giant turd.) It was one of the first things I asked my inlaws to take me to when I went to Australia.

  227. I have a life list. I have a habit of adding things after I’ve done them just so I can cross them off. I’m pretty sure I’m winning the game of life lists.

  228. FYI I hear there are monster spiders there. I’m told they hide in toilet paper. Maybe bring some diapers. Just saying. If you see one, can you take a pic for me? Thank you kindly.

  229. We do love our “Big” things here! There’s a whole list here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australia%27s_big_things. In my town we have a random giant bull in the main street, and I was scarred by the giant koala once.. It has creepy glowing red eyes that scares the crap out of you when you drive past it at night..
    As someone who works in environmental science in Aus I can tell you this..
    As for wombat poo, its square so it doesn’t roll down hills, they use it to mark their territory!
    Koalas are evil, and all have STDs. And don’t even get me started on drop bears..
    Many snakes and spiders are ridiculously poisonous, but they don’t seek you out!
    We have tons of sharks, but you’re more likely to be killed by a cow stepping on you (they are the silent killer..)
    And there are a huge range of awesome cute/bizzare mammals who aren’t trying to kill you like quokkas, quolls and bilbies!
    I worked with Americans and Canadians last year, apparently we talk fast and have some strange words and phrases but are mostly understandable 😛
    Have fun!!

  230. Please do come to Australia and visit Perth! No one ever visits Perth because it’s the most isolated capital city in the world and currently holds the (somewhat alarming) title of shark attack capital of the world.

    BUT

    We also have a whole island full of Quokkas, which were recently named the happiest animals in the world. They are very cute and if you stay on Rottnest (named by a Dutch explorer who thought it was a rat’s nest) you can’t leave the door of your chalet open because they WILL come inside and eat your Coco Pops. I’m not sure how many vaginas they have, though (I checked Wikipedia and they didn’t mention it. How remiss of them!).

    Also, if you want to see Kangaroos I can combine two of your interests and drive you to Pinnaroo cemetery where heaps hang out because they eat all of the floral arrangements that people leave on the headstones.

    Finally, if you get homesick for your cats then you can borrow mine for a cuddle. She won’t sit on your head (I tried…) but she is very fond of peeing in my bathtub! If you felt anxious you guys could hang out there together 🙂

  231. I’d like to go to Australia… except for that fact that EVERYTHING THERE WANTS TO KILL YOU. No, seriously, it does. I’m pretty sure Australia has that tiny octopus with blue rings that you should not pick up because you will be dead. If a creature with no bones can kill me that easily, I think I will pass on visiting.

    Have fun on your trip! =D

  233. OMG! I am super excited!! The Bloggess visiting Australia!!!
    Please visit Adelaide so I can (finally) get my copy of your book signed by you!!
    There are lots of people in Australia that love to read your blog – Beyonce is well known ‘down under’.
    All the best with your flight!
    Birdie

  234. Totally yes to everything all these nice people already said!! Australians are the nicest people anywhere, ever. Koalas are awesome but smelly, but hold one anyway. Do it ALL. It will be the most awesome trip.

  235. My daughter saw where someone suggested that Benedict’s fans be called “Cumber-Cookies” instead of “Cumber-(Byatchs)” … so that when a group of them get together, they will be a Cumber-Batch of Cumber-Cookies.

  238. Forget Benedict (consider that rhetorical). Have you seen the NEWEST crocodile hunter? Matt Wright, the Outback Wrangler. The man wrangles wild horses with a helicopter, will pick up ANYTHING alive (and I do mean anything), and he blogs too! (you have to forgive his spelling…I think he does this while flying the helicopter).

    Before you go, catch up on Priscilla Queen of the Desert and Muriel’s Wedding. 😉

    FYI, you should read up on Ozzie slang…they speak a different language down there!

  239. OMFG!!!!!! I am so friggin’ excited right now! Please REALLY come to Australia, I’ll try and find you lot’s of Australian taxidermied things if you do! I also have pictures of cockroach racing that I can send, even though I don’t participate cause those things are bloody awful!

  240. PS. Can you please visit Canberra? It’s the capital, but no one good EVER comes here! You coming here would be as exciting as meeting a unicorn!

  241. First, IFLS/Elise Andrew comes to Sydney. Now the Blogess is hitting up Oz. THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE IS KICKING (KANGAROO) TAIL! Hope you make it over here to NZ while you’re in the area. 🙂

  243. I’m writing from Canberra (that’s our capital city, a 3-4 hour drive from Sydney, which is not) and if you give me Benedict Cumberpatch I will give you anything you want. New Zealand is already really part of Australia (ask anyone*) but flying there takes another 6 hours or so. On the other hand, it takes longer to fly from the Eastern side of Australia (that’s the good side, just so you know) to Perth (the capital of Western Australia) so. . . damn, got no conclusions out of that sentence.

    Oh! I remember: Australia is big. Very very big. It takes a long time to get places, and most of it is boring to look at (because desert).

    I’m going to come back and tell you where to go**, but I’m gonna think about it first. (Probably best to skip Ayers Rock – more properly called Uluru – because it’s far away from everywhere, because walking up it is hard, and because it’s actually a semi-sacred site so we probably shouldn’t be walking on it anyway).

    Louise Curtis
    *except New Zealanders.
    **in the nice way

  244. I love you! I totally needed this post in my life today. It was one of those curl up in a ball and try to hide the crying from your 4 yr old kinda day.

  245. OK just so there’s no misunderstanding – New Zealand is not part of Australia, will never be part of Australia and if you want to see Middle Earth you’ll just have to make a side-trip here. Pleeeeeeeease 🙂

  246. I just added finding a friend who says things like this to my life list

    Laura: Whatever. I’m in. I’m in for whatever bat-shit crazy tour you want to do. And it will be laid-back and ridiculous and like nothing else we’ve ever done.

  248. HAHAHA as a New Zealander I think you’ll find that most of us would want to kill ourselves if New Zealand ever got dumped in Australia! having said that, New Zealand is only a 3 hour flight from Australia so feel free to come visit 🙂

  249. Your drunk with power line made me crack up because it reminded me of my favorite Simpsons line ever ….”Sir, I think you’ve gone mad with power.” “Well of course I have. You ever tried gong mad without power? It’s boring. No one listens to you.” Hilarious post!

  251. You’re worried about hurting a kangaroo if you box with him??? Do you know how big those fuckers are? You better just worry about yourself!

  252. Benefit of having three vaginas…when admitting the number of sexual partners, you can totally just pony up the number from whichever vagina had the least traffic.

    And I’m now writing Koala Vagina dialogue in my head, when I should be trying to go to sleep. Fuuuuuuuck.

  253. Make sure you get out to see Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, and sing the theme song. It should be on the list.

  254. Australia loves you! Come visit us (just don’t say anything about our Prime Minister or how you think New Zealand should be part of Australia… I’m sure whatever you said would be true but there are some who respond a bit like Canadians when you suggest they may be from the USA)!!

  255. You are going to LOVE Australia, it’s awesome!! And you should go to New Zealand too while you’re down under, it’s not far!

  256. As an Aussie, here’s a tip:

    Watch out in your boxing match with the kangaroo. They are dirty bastards when it comes to fighting. They totally use their tail to pimp slap people.

  257. “You’re always saying that you need to force yourself to push past your phobias and to make yourself be furiously happy. This is one of those times.” spoke to me with great muchness. 🙂

  259. Here is a nice epic comment for you, brimful of unsolicited advice and education.
    Before I start: If you do a book signing, do it in the Dymocks chain. Angus and Robinson recently began charging money to stock Australian books, so they can just die. Dymocks is cool (all franchises, so you can make any demands you like).
    Geography: Big. Because the world is a sphere and maps are rectangular, Australia looks a lot smaller than it really is. Also, mostly desert – but tropical at the top and surprisingly lush in Tasmania (lots of amazing nature there).
    History: No-one really knows where Aborigines came from, or much about anything before the British decided to use Australia as a jail. If you want to break your heart on Australian history, watch the excellent film “Rabbit Proof Fence”. It’s about the Stolen Generation – when the British tried to breed out Aborigines by taking their children and raising them to be as “white” as possible. Nowadays the population is less than 1% Aboriginal (made up of hundreds of very different groups).
    We also have a very cool gold rush background from the 1850s and lots of bushrangers.
    More importantly, one of our prime ministers disappeared while swimming and was never seen again. He was most likely eaten by sharks. We named a swimming pool after him.
    Animals/Wiggles: Yes, okay, most of them can kill you (including platypuses – their back feet have poisonous spurs). More importantly, a baby monotreme is called a puggle. Also, Greg Wiggle has retired and been replaced by a girl (the only original wiggle left is Anthony).
    We really do have a lot of real life wild kangaroos, even in the middle of Canberra. I’ve hit them with my car more than once. I’ve never seen a snake outside of a zoo, and I’ve never been bitten by anything tougher than a kitten.
    Redback spiders don’t have enough venom to kill a person.
    You should probably go see the Great Barrier Reef before it’s gone. You can swim with sharks if you want to.
    Think about which animals you want to hold and decide which zoo works for you accordingly. We have a few – Sydney and Melbourne are the most famous, but I know Canberra’s one involves some one-on-one interaction too (last time I went they were taking a dingo for a walk).
    Literature: The Bill Bryson book everyone’s talking about is “Down Under” and it is brilliant. Oh!! Someone mentioned Phrynne Fisher! The author is Kerry Greenwood and she writes cosy mysteries. She has another series called “Earthly Delights” which is also set in Melbourne, but in the modern day instead of the 20s. I met her when I won her section of a short story contest. She is a lawyer and does a lot of lawyerly volunteering so I have more than one reason to love her.
    I personally really admire Sandy Fussell’s kids series “Samurai Kids” (amazingly warm and funny) and the YA fantasy authors Garth Nix (“Sabriel” stands alone in his NYT-bestselling “Abhorsen” trilogy – a lot of his books aren’t as good) and Pamela Freeman. (As you can tell, I like reading YA fantasy.)
    Definitely Life List material:
    Yep, Sydney Harbour – especially the bridge climb and just wandering around Darling Harbour. People in Canberra will drive to Sydney for a day to go shopping. (Melbourne is far more musically and culturally rich.)
    If you actually enjoy riding in a train, there’s a famous one that crosses the Nullarbor plain (looking through the comments, it’s called the Indian Pacific). Definitely worth bothering if you want to cross the continent.
    Go to the beach. Pretty much any will do. Australian beaches make other beaches cry.
    There’s a huge antique shop at FuckIForgetWhere near Fitzroy Falls (amazing intense gorgeous place). There might just be something dead and stuffed there. If you’re interested, email me and I’ll ask my mum where it was.
    My Home Town:
    Canberra is one of the most boring cities in the world, which is actually a reason to love it. It’s very safe and small and not polluted at all. The population is 350,000 and there are lots of trees and large manmade lakes – the best way to see it is either by hot air balloon (the company is Balloon Aloft – http://canberraballoons.com.au/) or (more cheaply but still super classy) on a Southern Cross Yacht dinner cruise (http://www.cscc.com.au/dining/mv-southern-cross/). Or you can just drive to any lake and walk/ride around it (or sit down and have a barbeque – lots of public facilities – and/or picnic).
    It’s Canberra’s centenary this year so there are huge numbers of awesome free events – website is http://www.canberra100.com.au/calendar/
    Oh! That reminds me. You NEED to track down the Skywhale, if you possibly can (I want to tell you what it looks like but don’t want to ruin the horrifying surprise – if you click on any link, click on this one): http://www.canberra100.com.au/programs/the-skywhale-by-patricia-piccinini-/
    I’d love to play tour guide to you if you’re interested, and I have a moderately flexible schedule due to my 1.5-year old daughter. Just email and tell me what kind of day you want (or not. I promise not to stalk you; I’m just excited!)
    Questacon is the biz. Best place to visit in Canberra. It’s a science centre for kids with an earthquake machine and artificial lightning and a freefall slide and a 360 degree swing and so on – awesome! Also, the sculpture garden on the lake side of the art gallery (two buildings down from Questacon, and a similar distance to Parliament House on the other side) is great (which also has great stuff inside – time the sculpture garden so you see the fog, which is on between 12:30 and 2pm).
    You can ride a segway beside the same bit of the lake, which is brilliant (http://www.segglideride.com.au/). Then walk up to parliament house (no easy path but it’s within sight) and have a picnic on the grass under the giant flagpole (don’t bother going inside – I hear there are lots of politicians there).
    We also have a ridiculously massive water jet in the lake, which goes off at certain times.
    If you have time, drive to the small town of Collector one hour away – on a dark night so the town and the sculpture (http://www.atlasobscura.com/places/dreamers-gate) truly creeps you out. The pub will be open, and the only light on in the whole place. It’s haunted, of course – the town’s history involves a bushranger and murder. I had a writing night there with friends once and there was a dead rabbit outside the door when we went to leave.
    Cuisine: Our main chocolate company is Cadbury. There’s heaps in any grocery store. It is fantastic. So is the Natural Confectionary company (lollies). And we have lots of great wines – I like Brown Brothers.
    We also have food here, but whatever.
    Music: FLAP! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRZgNISSm3A) and Spooky Men’s Chorale (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2BchWRBUYU) are two brilliant little-known Aussie bands. There are more but I’d hate to go on too long.
    *cough*
    I may have gotten slightly carried away.
    Louise Curtis

  260. Can I just get beamed there like on Star Trek? I don’t mind flying if I can lay down with my down pillow and a blanket but I’ve been on too many airplanes lately with not a lot of room to lay down (are you reading this Spirit “never fucking again” Airlines?) I’m thinking maybe going on a cruise ship and my own balcony (and the asshole with the cigar who I am going to push over the rail if his balcony is next door again, on MY boat.) I know all the words to Waltzing Matilda and I have my own ‘sorta’ koala costume too, plus I make a killer blender Margarita. I can provide references. When they sober up. If they ever do.

  262. Damn it. Now I have to go back to Australia and hold the koala while wearing a koala suit because suddenly the picture I have is not quite adquate anymore. Thanks a heap, Lawson.

  264. “Then can we leave traps all over Australia? Like, cardboard boxes propped up by sticks with baby dolls inside of them to see if we can catch dingos?”
    THIS… made me giggle out loud. I would have never thought to do this, but now I can’t stop thinking about it! I so want to be your BFF so you can help me come up with this shit….

    Also, pandas are from China, which is on the same side of the world as Australia. So I think the suit will work out just fine to compliment the koala suit.

  265. Wooooo! Best news all day. I hope I can find you in a bathroom somewhere in Sydney, so we can get drunk together.

  266. Australia is awesome! You won’t be able to hold a koala in Sydney (illegal), so the trip to Brisbane is totally worth it to visit Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary (www.koala.net). You will be able to hold a koala like a baby… I did it last year and cried like a little biatch… It was one of the greatest moments of my life! If you need Aussie pointers let me know!

  267. Somehow I think you’ll fit into Australia very well. It’s the twisted/ridiculous/ironic sense of humour and the laidback attitude to everything, really.

  268. Yay can’t wait for you to be in the same country as me. If you need a place to crash you can stay in one of my spare rooms but I warn you I will spend the whole time hiding from you.

  269. YAAAAAY! You can come stay at my house in Canberra if you like. That’s if you ever visit Canberra. No one ever does, even though it’s the capital (NO IT’S NOT SYDNEY PPL). But anyway if you do we have a spare room! 😉

    PS I promise I’m not an axe-murderer. I realise that’s what an axe-murderer would say so I’ll have to think up a special anti-axe-murderer test to prove it

  270. In the nicest possible way, we New Zealanders DO NOT WANT to be lumped in with Australia. Sorry, but NO. Just NO.
    You are, however, welcome to pop across the ditch (the Tasman Sea) to visit us in NZ while you are downunder.
    There are a number of big things you can visit – the big banana at Coffs Harbour, the big pineapple and big macadamia in Queensland, the big sheep (ram) in Goulburn….Have fun when you are down this way!

  271. Not again. I heard the 3 vaginas thing just the other day, I think on Millionaire, but they went on the explain why….and I’m too embarrassed to say that here. Also read the Bill Bryson book, love him, and the book is amazing, Australia is amazing, according to the book. Not just poisonous spiders, but crocodiles, poisonous snakes, poisonous jellyfish and I don’t know what all. And the descendents of convicts everywhere you go. I hope you’ll be all right. (“oh right mate.)

  272. Squeeeeeeing in a most unladylike way here at work!!!! I ALSO live in the serial killer capital of Australia (yes, Adelaide, which is not the City of Churches but of creepy but interesting deaths) and the ghosty-place is not far away. Gosh I think we could almost organise you a taxidermied kangaroo for the collection, or at least on the drive to the ghosty-place we will see a lot of taxidermied-to-be road kill! I think Adelaide ticks all the boxes and has so so so many fans, so please please PLEASE visit us (yes begging and pleading is also not ladylike, but feck it. This is special!)
    P.S. We also have PANDAS in our zoo here in Adelaide, which have once agaaaaain refused to breed. Maybe you can visit and somehow ‘encourage’ them while wearing the backup costume? Many of us serial-killer-city inhabitants would pay big money for that I’m sure.

  273. Someone here told you to read Notes from a Small Island by Bill Bryson, don’t know why. That one’s about Britain, the Aussie one is ” In A Sunburned Country. ” And is fascinating and funny (not as funny as you, of course.)

  274. You will have to come to South Australia – We have more serial killers perhead of population than anywhere else in the world. And Kangaroo Island is lousy with Koalas.

  275. If Victor isn’t going, I’d be more than happy to creep around outside your house in a koala costume so he feels like he’s in on the Australia experience.

  276. You should come to Melbourne and see the graffiti alleyways.
    I’d happily show you around. Don’t worry – I don’t drive, so taking you to a van with blacked-out windows and a clown on the side isn’t even an option.

  277. Yeah, you don’t want to go to Adelaide. It’s a pretty boring capitol city (Except for that place, that place seems cool).

    The whole city of Melbourne is practically haunted. The queen victoria market was a cemetery before they dug half the bodies up and transported them somewhere else, so you have angry deformed ghosts there at night. Then the old Melbourne Gaol had HEAPS of hangings back in the day, so there you have angry falsely sentenced criminal ghosts. And also the Greenvale Sanatorium, which is an abandoned mental hospital compete with it’s very own Indigenous cemetery, so there you have crazy died-from-electroshock-therapy ghosts and Aboriginal ghosts which will probably have a vendetta against all white people, because the odds are they were violently murdered by one of us. Unless you want to be murdered by some Aboriginal angry ghost-tribe, probably a good idea to not wear a captain cook explorer hat.

    I’m pretty sure you can take night tours to all of these places. And most of the tours also take you to cool 1920’s gangland murder sites too.

    Sydney is pretty nice too, but I live in Melbourne, so I just know it better.

  280. *evil glare* don’t ever mention New Zealand being part of Australia we don’t like it 😛

    but do come to NZ we would love your craziness over here!!! please?

  281. Oh.dear.god. I just vomited, pissed my pants, turned my skin inside out and am now hyperventilating, yo comin’ to ma hood gurl. I’m going to make it my whole life list to say hello to you.

  282. Look, they’re already fixing up NewStralia for you! Notice in the top right corner of the fill-a-plane page: “there’s nothing like Australia / Air New Zealand ” Hmm.

    About #goaustralia
    Follow Go Mighty members as they journey across Australia and find out how you can go too.
    FIND OUT MORE
    #goaustralia

  284. You must come to Melbourne. My life list is now to meet you, and it would be so much easier if you come to my hood.

    Also, I’m a kiwi (though currently living in Aussie), and feel you really should pop over there also while you’re already down under. You won’t regret it.

    And just to warn you. Koalas stink. Like really really stink. AND they mostly all have chlamydia. Though I guess a koala costume counts as protection, so you should be safe. I recommend trying to cuddle a Tasmanian Devil instead – those critters are adorable (except for the fact they’ll bite your face off)

  285. Not to be a downer but I lived in Australia for a year and did not like it. Everything can kill you there. Also, this has nothing to do with what you just posted but heres a hat made of a squirrel: http://www.ecouterre.com/diamond-tooth-taxidermy-recycles-dead-animals-into-creepy-wearables/diamond-tooth-taxidermy-5/ and heres some hats made from road kill: http://www.ecouterre.com/couture-hats-headpieces-made-from-roadkill/ My favorite is the fox head hat. You’re welcome.

    xo
    Folk & Fables

  287. most of what you want to do is up in Queensland at the Steve Irwin Zoo, he was the crocodile hunter. its a pretty awesome wildlife park, i live only a couple of hours from there. The big bananas in Coffs harbour, New South Wales. My sister lives up the road from that. its pretty shitty, as we say here its like going to piss week world. Oz can be hard to get around because we dont have the best public transport system, or airports in every town. most people drive where they wanna go. But there are some descent bus tours.

  288. OMG!!!!!! I can’t believe you’re coming to australia!!!!!! OMG!!! When? Where? Do we buy tickets to see you? OMG!! THIS. Is the Best. Day. Ever!!!!!!

  289. there are so many neat things to see/do in Australia, but at the top of my list are:
    -the zoo where you can pet Koalas ( strangely, they would only let us pet the koalas with the back of our hand. They said they were worried that if we petted them, that we would give them some human disease. WELL, THAT’S WHAT THEY SAID! )
    -the Dingo Farm ( baby dingos are wonderful; i have been told the dingo farm is no longer there, and i hope that is untrue.)
    -you can swim, snorkel or scuba at the Great Barrier Reef, unless, like me, you find yourself terrified at the idea of swimming next to a tuna larger than you are, or larger than i was.
    -and somewhere, there are underground hotel rooms that have opals in the walls. They probably search you and take away pick axes, or similar implements. I didn’t go there, only because it was a LONG train ride through very hot country, and you know, anxiety, panic, scared of people, claustrophobic…

  290. Been to Australia. It’s worth the plane trip (I hate planes). Australia is like genetically mutated so that it’s impossible for it to not be awesome, like all the time.

  292. Also, echidnas have four-headed penises. Much more amenable to taxidermical display.
    Give us a yell if you’re coming to Melbourne, and I’ll hook you up with someone to show you the museum’s taxidermy collection after hours, away from the crowds of excited echidna-penis-viewers.

  294. This post has completely turned my day around (for the better!) b/c I LIVE IN AUSTRALIA! Yay me! And in November, yay you and Laura! If no Wiggles are available for tour guide duty, I am happy to do take over. I will even wear a skivvy (turtleneck) in the color of your choosing. And if you plan to cram a few book readings/signings into the deal, all the more betterer.

  295. I haven’t seen anybody else mention this yet: the moon is upside down in Australia. Actually, it’s upside down everywhere in the southern hemisphere. No lie. Put ‘watch the full moon rise over the Pacific ocean’ on your list. Prepare to be weirded out.

  297. Usually I would read your blog, and all of your posts, but this time I skipped right to the end to write my third ever post on your blog; and this time I’m not hesitating because I’m shy or afraid that what I have to say is dicky. This time I’m sure.

    Jenny, no pressure but take some sleeping pills for the plane trip and get your arse over here. Because Australia thinks you are awesome, and I should know, because I represent the whole of Australia from Cape York in northern Queensland, to Tassy, from Byron Bay to Broom and all the bits in between. We love ya from all over. And even if you choose to be anonymous while you are here, the country will be all the more spectacular simply for having you visit.

  299. I’ve just looked at Go Mighty. You now have to go to Australia as you’re the only one with a decent to do list!

  300. I have never actually met Benedict Cumberbatch (bucket list item), but from what I have read, I am pretty sure he’d be totally up to get in a dump truck full of slow lorii. It sounds right up his alley, or through his wickets, or whatever they say in England.

  301. I’m not all that fond of bananas, but a morning with Benedict Cumberbatch is always a good morning.
    I would love to go to Australia. I have no other reason to get this trip for free. Do I win? (I never win, don’t worry about it.) Australia is cool. Gum trees and kookaburras (actually, I just like saying “kookaburra”) and didgeridoos (I like that word, too).
    I, too, learned everything I know about Australia from cartoons. Ever see “Dot & the Kangaroo”? Seriously, I love that movie.

  302. Alice Springs boat races is on my Australia list! No danger if drowning in a dry river bed 🙂

  304. So, I adore The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, but I feel compelled to point out that Priscilla was the name of the bus. I’m assuming you want to stalk camels dressed in Hugo Weaving’s magnificent drag outfit, not dressed as a lavender bus. I could be wrong, though. It could even be a group costume, like those dragons in Chinese New Year parades.

    (Dammit, you’re right. Now I have to find a bus costume. ~ Jenny)

  305. In all seriousness though, I live in the Hunter Valley, north of Sydney. It’s one of the main wine growing regions of Australia. Wanna tour the wineries for a day???

  307. Sam as the Yellow Wiggle was/is far (FAAAAAAR) superior to Greg. You should see if Sam is free to be your tour guide, although given that he got completely hosed by the Wiggles he probably doesn’t have access to the Big Red Car. No worries….Sam in a bus or taxi is still better than Greg in the Big Red Car.

  308. HATE flying with a passion. I always get an anxiety attack right before boarding, not to mention the ever present projectile vomiting once in the air. But, my MD gave me a prescription for TransDerm Scop and it really, really helps. No panic, no vomiting, no nothing. As soon as the engines start, I fall asleep and stay that way no matter how long the trip. Just make sure to get two patches, one for each flight. They last up to 72 hours.

  309. Wow. Boy kangaroos probably have all kinds of inferiority complexes….how can they possibly maintain the stamina to keep even one kangaroo-lady-friend happy?

  310. You should watch some episodes on YouTube of Border Security: Australia’s Front Line before you go so that you know how incredibly difficult it is to get though customs there. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Zje8W0zGJE Good Luck and keep us posted! You should get a film crew to document your journey! I am sure we would all watch and love the adventure!!

  311. Yea- I know a little about Aussies.. from what I learned from Thunder Down Under. Yea- google that. It is a thing. And you don’t have to go to Aus to see it…

  312. Just don’t fuck with immigration when you get there. Be a good girl and stay under the radar. They have NO sense of humour!

  313. I’ve been told that some Australian farms have ostrich riding….and I know that Australia has some fantastic wineries. And maybe you’ll see Hugh Jackman.
    Oooo …. the trifecta would be Hugh Jackman riding an ostrich AT a winery!

    Seriously though, I’m envious. The other blog I follow is from Australia (http://down—to—earth.blogspot.com/) and I love having the different-from-New-England landscape in the background. With chickens.

  315. I am filled with glee and joy and envy!
    Seriously, blog all the things! Several thousand of us will be living vicariously through you!

    PS: For some reason, commenting on your blog results in overuse of exclamation marks!

  318. While I have no real desire to go to Australia I would become willing if Benedict Cumberpatch were on the table…er semi-drugged in the back of a truck…whatever.

  319. Please have the first thing you write back is if the toilets flush the other way and while you are over Australia getting ready to land run into the bathroom and flush the toilet to check if it happens also at 35,000 feet. Jenny Lawson, Scientist. This is an argument a friend and I have had for years, I say yes, she says no. Now I will finally get to the bottom of the toilet question. Now all I need to find out if lightening really does come from the ground up and not the sky down.

    You will be wearing the Kola suit on the plane right? Because it would be silly not to.

  320. This has absolutely nothing to do with your post, at all. But I wanted to say thanks. #1 for being so awesome and b. for introducing me to the wonderful world of Doctor Who. Seriously, I don’t know how I made it 27 years without The Doctor in my life. Not only do I love it, but my 5 year old son does as well. He requested we use the box currently housing our new stroller/car seat for #2 to be turned into the Tardis. He also wanted a clip on tie so he could pretend to be The Doctor/Harry Potter. He has requested a Sonic Screwdriver for Christmas. Just the other day he told his friend he was the Doctor, his friend said “dr who?” to which he replied with a laugh, just The Doctor. He is the coolest kid I know. So, yea, thanks for introducing me to something I can share with my sweet boy. Also, have fun in Australia!!

  321. I am pretty sure a if you have a slightly-drugged Benedict Cumberbatch you also have the World’s Largest Banana. And can I come? I have a Koala Suit!

  322. I simply cannot believe you wrote an entire blog post about Australia without mentioning either a platypus (several platypi?) or Men At Work — after all, they do come from a land down under. (And now I’ve given myself a nasty earworm)

  323. Dude, Kangaroos are evil. No lie, I worked at a zoo for years and I have to say that they are sheer, unmitigated evil in tiny furry packages. Also, they’ll kick you in the face.

    But sleeper cars? GENIUS!

  324. I’m sorry. The excitement of the whole Australia thing was lost on me because I’m stuck on the 3 vagina thing. 3 f-ing vaginas?! That totally sucks! If I had 3 vaginas it would be just my crappy luck that I would get my period 3 different weeks. Those things would never synch up and come at the same time. I would spend the whole month on the rag and bitchy… Oh wait, I’m bitchy all month anyway… So, things wouldn’t be all THAT different, just messier and a bigger pain in the ass.

  325. To help with your life list, let me point out that the Taronga Zoo in Sydney has a program that lets you cuddle one of their koalas – and they’ll take a picture for you, too. I’m sure they’d have no problems if you showed up dressed as a koala. (Australia is a rather laid back type of place.) The zoo itself is fantastic, and you can get to it by taking a short ferry ride across the harbour. It’s definitely worth a visit.

    I already have a picture of myself holding a koala, but one of the entries on my life list is going to the Australia Zoo and taking one of their tigers for a walk. Again, Australia = laid back, although in this case, the laid back might also mean they generally have more people eaten by tigers. I love big cats enough that I’m still willing to risk becoming a tiger’s chew toy. If nothing else, it would at least make for an interesting obit.

  326. Yep NZ and Australia are completely different countries NZ is green and pretty and has hobbits and lots of good wine. Australia is full of nasty bitey things

  327. Australia got so hot last summer the weather people had to add a bunch of new colors to the temperature map…and most of the place is on fire every summer. So make sure that koala suit has lots of ventilation holes…or come to New Zealand, to cool off! And we do have weird taxidermy here…there’s a local lady who won a prize for making a bra out of hedgehogs.

  328. Loved Australia when I went there a few years back, but being as large as it is, our ten day vacation was not enough time to even see a tiny bit of it. Did dive The Great Barrier Reef, though so we do have that checked off (and it was amazing).

    Without fail, reading one of your posts always gives me a smile and I hope that is something that makes you glad you write these awesome little quirky posts.

  329. Um, so, how are you going to find out about the kangaroo vaginas? Er, um, maybe I don’t want to know.

    Also, I think to properly investigate which way toilets flush and if it’s different there, you probably need to do some research here.

    Have fun and thank you for making me laugh!

  330. Australian Tourism clearly needs you and your list. I second the nasty bitey things – I suspect many of the toddlers here are rabid (mine may be) so watch out for those. You simply MUST go and see the Big Koala in Victoria. The world’s shittest Big thing EVER. Ever. Hope your time here is swell. Kx

    P.S Where the f*ck did you get the kangaroos have 3 vaginas from? Is it in a book somewhere?

  331. FWIW, you are not the *only* person in the world who hates traveling. There are at least two of us. (And possibly other people who also commented, but I didn’t read them because there were too many.)

    I’m being forced on 5 work trips over the next few months, including one to LA and one to USVI and all I can think is “ugh”.

  332. Me: Hey, I’m in Australia!
    Park Ranger: And did you know that Australia has nine of the ten most poisonous snakes on the planet?
    Me: WTF?
    Ranger: And practically all of the poisonous spiders?
    Me: Um… like deep in the jungle?
    Ranger: Like right above your head, the one that’s the size of a dinner plate.
    Me: I forgot I left the iron plugged in. G’day, Australia.

  333. Forgot to mention, I have a spare room and would be happy to accommodate you, your lovely friend and any taxidermy you happen to have on your person. Also, Melbourne is home to some of the best chocolate shops and high teas in the known universe and I will very happily show you around both. (You can do a walking tour of chocolate shops in downtown Melbourne. It’s like a pub crawl, only with more endorphins and less getting arrested.) Just sayin’…

  334. I hate traveling too, it makes me nauseous like Filbert from Rocko’s Modern Life. Also, I’ve a friend who went to Australia, she said it was lovely, but there were tons of bugs…but you’re from Texas which is like American Australia, so you’re probably better equip to deal with bugs and things than I am. Now that I think of it I had an Australian roommate once. She was awesome because she called the trash “rubbish” which sounds soo fancy.

  335. If you like weird/humorous ad(vert)s, you might enjoy these 3 for Bundaberg Rum:

    (They tie in a bit with taxidermy, as well.)

    If you do see Kangaroos ‘in the wild’ there, be ready to see six-legged
    Kangaroos. The joeys often rest head down in the pouch, giving Mom
    the appearance of a strange, furry insect, as their large feet stick out.
    You can often find them on golf courses where the grass is green and
    edible. As long as you’re holding golf clubs, they will usually ignore you.
    This is generally a good thing (that they ignore you).

  336. I apologize that this reply has absolutely nothing to do with Australia, NewStralia, nor, sadly, Benedict Cumberbatch. It’s just…I’m feeling really alone, and lower than I have for a long time. And somehow the people here, the commenters on this blog, have become my tribe. Hold me up, ok, tribe? Somebody send me a thought of peace and hope and light.

    (Sending you light and love and thoughts of margaritas filled with frolicking ferrets. Remember that depression lies. We need you here. You’re one of us. ~ Jenny)

  340. So a) start taking any travel anxiety medicine a night or two (at least) before your flight. Otherwise, packing becomes a nightmare of epic proportion. And Victor will thank me.
    b) If you’re getting up the courage to travel that far, sneak away from whatever promise you made to Australia and go see where the Hobbit was filmed. Even if you have to take tiny windup plane like I did from Santorini to Athens. Totally worth every minute of horror.

  342. Ok, I have huge guilt for wanting a Slow Loris now. Not that I would. That’s illegal. And I prioritize my law breaking. And hurting small critters with seriously tofuckingdieforcute eyes doesn’t fall on the list. But ohmygod I would love him and squeeze him and stroke his bill and call him George. But I won’t. Ever.
    *sniffle*

  343. “me: Really? Can I box a kangaroo?”

    My first thought was “Why in the hell does she want to put a kangaroo in a box? Is it the Australian version of a Jack-in-a-Box? Roo-in-a-Box?”

    I’m either really awesome or I fail really hard.

  344. wow, jenny, congrats to you!! feel the fear and do it anyway.. ah, you’re not going to lock yourself in the airplane potty are you? hmmm, i think flying that long stuck in the toity might create problems.. got to watch out for DVT you know

    not a stellar week for me, i am trying to find all the floors in my house which means i must clean. i found some socks today, on the floor, and put them on and then realized they had my momma’s name on them for when she was in the care facility, before i decided hospice was better because she had dementia and then i decided terminal dehydration was the way to go. its kind of hard living with yourself after you kill your parents. i tried to check out once but chickened out.. i wish i had not chickened out

  345. I can’t believe you’re going to Australia before you come to Canada and we’re right next door. That is totally unfair and we’ve been asking for you to come here first, before Australia even knew you existed.

    (Ha! I actually did Canada a few times on book tour, but it was right on the border and I’ve been told that really doesn’t count. Maybe next year? ~ Jenny)

  347. We asked you first and we read you first and Australia doesn’t even care or pee their pants laughing like we do, so you should come to Canada before you go to Australia.

  348. Ahhh how exciting 🙂 I live in Western Australia and love this massive country. Yeah, there are lots of bitey/stingy/stabby things but you don’t see them often unless you go looking for them. Take LOTS of insect spray and sun cream to cover yourself in, and you will be fine 🙂 There are many calm and cruisy places to visit, I am sure you will have a wonderful time!

  349. im just going to agree with the laid back weird sense of humour thing we have going on.. ive spent most of my lunch break reading the comments losing my shiznit and having giggle attacks in my head.. i pretty much lost it when i remembered about dingos (‘ A DINGO STOLE MY BABY!’) and some less evil birds (like, penguins at phillip island ahhh penguins) and emu racing and then i got back to the evil things of plovers and magpies… what can i say we are weird and wonderful and very very excited to have you here soon!

  351. True story. I’m a biology professor, and about 10 years ago I got this call while I was in my office. This guy says, “Do you want some skeletons?” Duh. Who doesn’t want some skeletons? So they arrive, and it’s a HUGE massive box of disassembled bones that turns out to be (1) a kangaroo, (2) a wallaby (now put together), (3) an australian rabbit thing, and (4) some super poisonous australian snake he apparently smuggled out of the country, because *also* included is a nasty gram from the Australian government that it is considered a federal offense to remove those snakes (or snake parts) from the country and it could be a $250,00 fine. So (long story short) my question is, will you sneak a disassembled poisonous snake skeleton back into the country for me?? It sort of goes will with the Thelma and Louise theme of this trip…

  352. Whoever said koalas are cute little cuddly things has clearly never met one. Nasty little creatures when they want to be. Especially when you chase them down the street (to get them off the road….no other reason…) And if you hear a noise that sounds like a dying pig eating a strangled cat at about 2am one morning? Don’t worry, just the koala’s mating call.

  353. Come to Darwin so I can high 5 you.

    I don’t have a Koala suit but last year i did roller skate while wearing a giraffe costume and that’s gotta count for something

    Do not box kangaroos, they are bad ass and they will fuck you up. Go ahead and punch a wallaby if you want though.

  354. Australia is going to pay for your trip?

    Huh.

    Well….as an Australian I guess that means I ought to donate to the cause. How would I go about doing that? And will you host a Red Dress Day in the Royal Botanic Gardens in Sydney? That’s on MY life list. To attend a Red Dress Day in the Botanic Gardens with you.

  355. OMGeee! Please make the hop to New Zealand! I live 30 minutes from Hobbitton and It just so happens we re getting married there….. Next year! Expect a LOTR inspired wedding invite soon!

  356. Yay! You’re visiting us! The animals aren’t THAT bad. Sure, humans are not the top of the food chain here, we’re in a special category marked ‘Hilarious when they’re screaming’. And a guide at Melbourne Zoo once told us that the Sydney Funnel Web Spider is not the most poisonous, but it got to the top of the most dangerous spiders list through sheer beserker rage.
    Okay. Our wildlife was created on the rarely-mentioned eighth day, when God played ‘Robot Wars’ with the leftover bits.

    P.S. Be careful with that koala costume. Most of our koalas have chlamydia. My undergrad lecturer provided pictures (scarred for life).
    P.P.S. A different undergrad lecturer provided proof that Drop Bears were real, only they lived about 10 million years ago. They were huge, had massive claws, lived in trees near water sources, and they’d plunge down and slice out their prey’s throat. Apparently, they died out because they ate everything.
    P.P.P.S I’m really not helping, am I?

  358. I think you should apologize to the Netherlands, for not coming. Although The Netherlands is never going to pay for your ticket, because we are cheap. You’ll have to go dutch…

    I’m reading your book, it’s really good. thank you for being awesome.

  359. My Brother is getting married at the big banana. Did you know as treats they have frozen bananas covered in chocolate. Some even have nuts. If you see that you then need to see the BIg Pineapple. They are kinda of close. The big Pineapple is near the big prawn. Also Nimbin, in NSW where weed is somehow kinda legal, they have a big bong. Just saying.

  360. First: Molly, *hugs* And hang in there, I hope you are feeling better and know that you really aren’t alone.

    Second: OMG – I don’t read for two days and it turns out you’re coming to Oz?!?! This is *fantastic*!!! Will you do book signings? If so, the person who said Dymock above was completely right and please please pease come to Sydney! We have the most beautiful harbour in the world, fantastic food and lovely people. Take a ferry across the harbour from Circular Quay to Manly even if you just go for the cocktails then turn around and go back.

    This is fantastic! My husband had to stop reading your book on the ferry to work because he was laughing out loud so much other passengers were moving away – we would be at your book signing in a heartbeat!!!!!

  361. Oh excitement! I hope you make it to Brisbane. I could take you around the cemetery where I used to work…

  362. OMG! You have to come to Australia! Can you do a reading somewhere in Sydney? Pretty please! IT WOULD BE MY ULTIMATE DREAM SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!

  365. I recently used a sleeper train in Australia. My Australian friends were horrified, because a) they did not seem to know they had trains, and b) seemed to have certain “expectations” about people who choose to travel by train rather than plane. That said, it is most definitely not the Orient Express, but was great fun and you get cinnamon toast for breakfast. Cinnamon toast is probably the best Australian invention ever. Plus, you don’t have to get onto planes every five minutes.

  367. As a Canberran, I am pleased to see so many people vouching for it – much as we are paid out for being a town of pubes (pubes: public servants), and despite the number of times I have decided that I should really get my act together and move to a proper city, it has a certain aseptic charm.

    One thing I am surprised that no one has mentioned yet is meat pies. And sausage sangers. They – along with proper beer – would be the two things I miss most about Australia when visiting family overseas.

  368. I’m so excited! I did suggest you could come to Australia and do a mindfulness course with me a few weeks back here: http://www.billabongretreat.com.au/event_cat/mindfulness-training/ The one I’m going to is sold out 16th-18th Oct….but you can have my bed.

    You must come to Sydney (everyone on here seems to be from Tasmania and Adelaide….there is something in that). We are civilised and normal and an international city. You will understand us and not get bitten by anything (we also do not have scorpions! OR Vultures!). Taronga Zoo has koalas, and kangaroos, so you can kill 2 marsupials with one stone. My dad was the first full time vet at the zoo and is an expert in all the animals you want to know about…I can put you in touch with him (he also lives on a lovely country property 5 hours from Sydney if you want some peace and to see real Australia as opposed to packaged tourism). Animals have tried to kill him on a number occasions and he still survives it was mostly non Australian animals doing it!

    The Opera House is only interesting from the outside (believe me I have performed there, been backstage etc…it is an auditorium like any other with 1970’s seats). The view from the opera house across the harbour is spectacular. I have 4 bathrooms in my house…feel free to come and use any of them to hide in.

    Make sure you take in some theatre while you are here and go and see some of our spectacular National Parks. There are big everythings everywhere…including the big Koala in Victoria, the big potato, Big Merino (sheep) in NSW, the giant lobster (South Australia) etc the list goes on. The big Banana will probably make you go really? Is that it???

    There is a long running gentle sibling rivalry between Australia and New Zealand…anything that becomes famous from New Zealand is always ultimately claimed by Australia. One day we will just take them over see here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xUYbI64QHI and here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RenRILqwhJs (this was from a telly programme about advertising where two companies pitched ads for a NZ invasion). But I notice Air New Zealand is sponsoring the trip so just take a small extra plane ride and you are there.

    Australia is as big as the US so depending on how long you are here you will have to be choosy. But you can pretty well experience everything in terms of ecosystems on the one continent. Make sure you tell us when and where….

  369. We were just there for work (then my airplane-resistant husband flew out BY HIMSELF to meet me there) and it was amazing! If you go to Sydney and visit the zoo there (you can take a ferry, taxi or bus), you can do a walkabout and pet kangaroos, wallabies and an emu! You can even hold a koala there, but just so you know, koalas have a fragile immune system and many of them have STDs (in particular, the zoo keeper said that about 40% of them have chlamydia). Their cousins, the wombats, are pretty darn cute too and they have stronger immune systems!
    Also, in order to fly there, Qantas airlines is fabulous! I highly recommend them!

  370. If you come to Brisbane I will steal my friend’s koala suit and we can have a koala suit flash mob in the queen street mall and it will be awesome!

    I am so excited you’re coming here, we’re awesome and you’ll love us.

  372. Oh man, I’m so jealous. It’s always been a dream of mine to go to Australia. Can I come and carry your luggage? And I didn’t know that kangaroos had 3 vaginas! That totally explains the 3 kangaroos humping that one kangaroo at The Six Flags safari last summer. I just thought they were twerking.

  373. I mean, the advertisement for Go Australia is sponsored by Air New Zealand. I can see why you could be confused. They’re sending a mixed message and maybe they should include a stop in New Zealand as part of the trip. It only seems fair, though it would require additional flying.

  375. You are right about Kangaroos being fighty. They not only box but they kick box, by rearing back on their tail they can kick with their hind legs and that would disembowel a human…. So no fighting kangaroos… And only cuddle tame zoo Koalas, those tree climbing claws are great weapons and our snake killing dog wont go near them for the same reason my father has a scar on his leg from one of them 😀

  376. YAY!! I read about this on Mighty Girl’s blog yesterday (which is weird, since I haven’t been there in ages). I also kind of hate life lists – and then I briefly thought maybe I should try it if I could win a trip to Australia, but then I thought they probably want real writers and also I still hate life lists. All that said, I think I’m going to LOVE yours – and I will be watching closely to see what crazy shit you do/coerce other people into doing as a result of this. I feel that an ironic, batshit crazy life list is what the world needs right now. Again, I say YAY!

  377. I’d say that the “don’t die” one is probably the most important, considering that pretty much all the animal life in Austrailia is either poisonous or has large fangs.

  380. I predict you’ll love Australia. Aussies’ default mode is happy, and they’re up for petty much anything. Here’s my first experience of the country: I flew into Sydney at 6 AM. I collected my luggage and made my way to the domestic terminal for my transfer flight to Townsville. When I got to my gate, I noticed that the waiting area of the gate just across from mine was filled with the boisterous, ruggedly handsome members of an Aussie rugby team. They were wearing their team jerseys, all of which had their nicknames – things like “Naked Chemist” and “Projectile” – emblazoned across the back. Every single one of these jolly, gorgeous men was busy drinking not one, but two open containers of beer. At their airport gate. At 6 AM. I thought, “I’m going to LOVE this country.” The rest of Australia did *not* disappoint.

  381. So happy for you! I can’t wait to read up (daily??) about your trip. I would LOVE to go there one day. I only hope that i’ll have my own life-size koala costume to where.

  383. FYI, you are not the only who hates travel, I have terrible travel anxiety and thus do not travel. I tried to go to Vegas last year but had anxiety for months about it and nearly had a nervous breakdown just getting my first passport ever and thus I did not go to Vegas. So you are awesome for charging ahead and facing the fear and I wish nothing but relaxed and groovy times for you on your trip. But I don’t wish you Benedict Cumberbatch because he is for me as soon as I can figure out how to get him to come here because lord knows I’m never making it to England.

  384. Thank GOD you’re going there and not me. I wouldn’t last in a plane that long. However, I wish I could come on the Orient Express…………..

  385. We are so excited you are coming to visit – cue girls dancing around house – and the big banana is at Coffs but you should go see the big sheep!

  389. OMG SO excited to hear you’re travelling this way!
    Just for the record- every animal ISN’T out to kill you. Only the wild ones that you try an cuddle. But who cuddles a wild croc?!
    The whole ‘things kill you in Australia – It’s more of an advertisement to keep people out because we don’t like over-crowded tourist places… or to attract people (depends how you see it).
    My cousin works at 2 of the Zoos over here and I’m sure I’ve heard her say that you can cuddle a Koala. Being in a Koala suit would probably assist as they kinda smell (because they don’t have regular baths and also because they are drunk. The two are not correlated).

    YAY Australia!!!
    PS- here’s the cockroach racing pic you were after. http://www.cockroachraces.com.au/races-2009

  390. I live in Sydney, Australia – please post on your blog if you do anything autography or meet-and-greety in Sydney 🙂

  391. Hi Jenny,
    You should TOTALLY come to Australia (Sydney specifically, although I’m biased, as I live in Sydney!)!!! Don’t bother with the Big Banana though (in a place called Coffs Harbour) … it will literally take you less than 5 minutes to wander though and it smells like a combination of mud, rotten banana and cleaning fluid … totally gross and lame!
    Sydney is much more fun … you should come for the Sydney Writers Festival in May next year to promote your new book – that would be awesome!
    See the following link: http://www.swf.org.au/
    Perhaps they’d be willing to sponsor you (through publishers here – or whatever?) to make it a “work thing” and you could come on an Entertainment visa: see the following link from our Immigration Dept website: http://www.immi.gov.au/visas/temporary-visa/420/
    If you didn’t want to do that, and just come for a holiday, an electronic tourist visa is the way to go … your travel agent should be able to arrange it with the ticket.
    The website has lots of information and options – have a look (I work for the Immigration Dept by the way, which explains why I know about this stuff, but anyone can look it up!
    I can’t wait for your new book (no pressure though)! Your last one had me laughing out loud, and I look at your blog each day … and I always makes me laugh and smile … no matter how tough the day has been … and I have to say (without getting too mushy) you’ve helped me get though some tough times, making me laugh when I’ve needed it the most.
    I can’t thank you enough!!! :o)

  392. I said “NewStralia” today at work, and didn’t have to explain what it meant to a single person– that’s how incredibly logical it is! Love it. 🙂

  393. I love your book by the way. Have it on my Kindle and then bought the trade sized paperback to loan to my friends. You don’t really want Benedict in that truck with the slow loreses or how ever you spell it. He would just make them go fast…boy I would go fast to be with him. Would like to lick his cheek bones. Enough of this.

    Enjoy your trip, and bring back a kangaroo for Victor.

  394. Okay- I just read your list, and while fantastic, it needs clarification: are you stalking camels while YOU are dressed as Priscilla, queen of the desert, or are the camels the ones in costume?

    It’d be a lot cooler if it was the camels. Just sayin’.

  395. OMG – are we able to meet you? You are one of my heros! You can totally stay with me, I have dogs and a donkey and horses and foals and work for a rescue. We have a wombat that lives across the road from us and about 100 kangaroos in my immediate vicinity – I even took some photos of them boxing last week – they sure look like they could use mittens. Although the real problem is the back legs that kick you in the guts when you are not ready.

    I don’t have any echidnas around here but my friend has one at the back of her property I’m sure I could borrow it. She also bizarrely has a wombat living all alone in the drain under her driveway, I’ve suggested that the glowing red light at night is just a poor wombat girl trying to work her way through med school. She thinks I need more Xanax… and Valium. I could even set up some cockroach races all though, the really big ones can fly and that is horrific and both of them don’t live in this area because it’s too damn cold – although in summer it’s a lovely temperature so maybe I could set up like a coackroach time share – athletes need only apply.

    Anyway do we get to meet you. You are one of my heros!

  396. Best new all week! You must do a reading while you are here. We have lovely bathrooms and under-tables if needed.

  399. Deadset – stay away from koalas. I know they look cute, but they are nasty things. Only tourists will get anywhere near them, us Aussies won’t go near them. They hiss, spit, bit, pee on you and are riddled with STDs. Seriously, like 98% of them have chlamidia. Avoid them like crazy.

    The sleeper train through the country is awesome. Food and Wine in Western Australia, Melbourne and South Australia is awesome. Climbing the bridge is awesome. Aussie comedians are really awesome, you should get to see some while you are here. Snorkeling or scuba diving on the barrier or ningaloo reefs is awesome.

    I am rapt you are coming here, wish you were doing some promo stuff, I would definitely come along!

  400. So I’m not Greg from the Wiggles (I saw him at a concert when I was like 5?) but I will totally be your tour guide if you come to Australia (Sydney)! I can get you in with the Kangaroos, and get you a Koala to cuddle (legally- LOL)!
    In my head I’m just replaying Oprah and Ellen’s, “I’m going to AUSTRALIAAAAAAA”!

  402. Do you know my husband won a cane toad race and his prize was an embalmed cane toad leg – for realz. You’re going to love it here and never want to leave.

  403. I read your life list. Do you mean that you’ll be dressed as “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert” as you stalk camels, or that the camels will be dressed like Priscilla? Because these things matter.

  405. I went to Australia many moons ago and it was awesome. Word of advice though, don’t accidentally sit on the green ants. They’re bitey. Ask me how I know.

    Oh…and wasn’t Priscilla the name of the bus in that movie? If so, I think the camels will see you coming from a mile off…easy. 🙂

  406. I was on the Orient Express once to Paris. My friend’s wallet was stolen while she slept and during the night, half the train detached and took off in another direction. You should definitely get on one if given the chance.

  407. I think Grouchiegrrrl above has the best Australia advice: NO SEX WITH KOALAS. Which is kind of a bummer. Not that I’d want to have sex with koalas, or that I think YOU’D want such a thing.

    It was just nice to think the possibility was there, you know?

    Anyway, listen to her.

  408. Never stop asking about Hobbits in Australia. Their denial is just a test of faith. 🙂

    OOh, and can you add wrestle a crocadile and eat goanna to your list? The total Crocodile Dundee experience would be on my list.

    (I want to live vicariously through someone and you seem like a good choice.)

  411. I cannot believe you said to put NZ inside Australia. That is an absolute no no. Not cool, man… not cool.

  412. I’m with Veronica (72) – you need to come to Tasmania! I will let you hide in my wardrobe and shut yourself into the bathroom, if needed! You are welcome to stay at my home (plus Victor) and if you are lucky, there will be dolphins in the bay just outside the front windows!
    Will be eagerly watching for your visit. NZ is a very pretty place to visit too, but not as pretty as we are! AND there are NO redback spiders in Tasmania (although there are huntsmen but the pest exterminator has been here to the house and we get very few inside now!) so you can sit down on the dunny (toilet) seat.
    Who needs big banana’s etc when they can have dolphins, and Tassie Devils and wombats………and beautiful scenery!

  413. THANK YOU for the lovely photo of Benedict Cumberbatch. The only thing that makes him even more lovely is his name. You just can’t make up a name like that. Well, you probably can he may very well may have but I don’t care.
    Thanks again and have a great time in Australia. I myself have often wanted to go there (especially when/if I am having a terrible, horrible no good very bad day).
    😀

  414. There has GOT to be a joke here about big bananas and three vaginas, I’m just not witty enough to think of it. (Plus I don’t drink, dang it.)

  415. As a Queenslander (yes that is the best part of Australia) can I tempt you with the thought of taxidermied cane toads – or as we so nicely put it stuffed cane toads? (Well they are stuffed – they are dead) They are gorgeously ugly creatures and come in a variety of hilariously improbable poses – usually involving alcohol or musical instruments … or both. Australia has your name all over it! Love to see you over here.

  416. YES!! Come to Melbourne! We have culture and stuff! I volunteer to be Melbourne tour guide!

  417. While you are in this area of the world, you really should come to New Zealand
    Please
    Pretty please

  418. We have dingos here on Fraser Island. This morning one frolicked around me as I walked along the beach. Not kidding.

    I have many spare beds should you head this way. Sacrificial dolls optional.

    The Big Banana is guaranteed to disappoint. A must-see. There’s also The Big Pineapple at Nambour. And the Big Merino in Goulburn. And the Big Guitar in Tamworth… wait, do I detect a theme here? Unsure if someone else has mentioned these. I’m not going to read 415 previous comments.

    See you in Straya!

  419. I am now putting chasing kangaroos while dressed like a character from Priscilla Queen of the Desert on my life list. The dress made out of flip flops would be the most flattering.

  420. I couldn’t help it – I looked up the reproductive issue for the Echidna – Australia’s Other monotreme.

    It is the Ron Jeremy of nature. If Ron Jeremy had a hydra for a penis.

  421. As usual, I’m always on board with your posts but this time in particular I got intensely excited.

    YOU USED A PIC OF BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH AS YOUR CLOSEOUT COMMENT AND IT MENTIONED SLOW LORISES.

    Reason # 5,489,712 why you’re amazing.

  422. When you get back, do you think you’ll write with an Australian accent? Blimey, mate, that would be entertaining.

  423. BE CAREFUL ! I know THREE people, none of whom knew each other, who visited Australia, came home and promptly sold their houses and moved there. It scared the crap out of me. I mean a place that great ? There has got to be some seriously fucked up secret going on. So I swore off the place and read Bill Bryson’s “In a Sunburned Country”. I laughed my ass off and swore off the whole damn continent. { I really recommend reading it before you go.}

  424. Ooooh, you’re messing with us, with that ‘New Zealand inside of Australia’ thing… (sucks in a breath through her teeth) Be careful with that one, Kiwis can get pretty ferocious when roused…

    Also, for heaven’s sake. If you’re flying for that many hours, just hop over to NZ too while you’re there! I’m sure NZ would be happy to pay a few hundred dollars for your flights and to put you up. It’s a very different country geographically to Australia – small, green, mountainous and volcanic with totally unique wildlife. Culturally (I hate to say it) it’s pretty similar, but just a bit softer… less brash, more ironic and low key.

    Check out Flight of the Conchords to get a sample of NZ humour (true story, I was in a Uni comedy competition with those guys back in the 90s. They didn’t win.) Kiwis vs Aussies snippets with in-jokes… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTwAoFR4DuM

  425. You should totally come to Australia just for the time travel. Living one day into the future is awesome for inducing delusions of superiority. Except for the whole Tony Abbot thing, that’s more about time travelling to the past and makes us squirm with embarrassment. Either way, Australia rocks for time travel.

  426. Go easy on the koala thing, in some parts of Australia 90% of them have chlamydia. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2164379/Chlamydia-outbreak-koala-species-Australia.html. Apparently they are pretty rampant and totally undiscriminating about who they shag and damn the consequences. One of them tried to infect One Direction.

    If you are thinking Big then you need to come to SA to visit The Big Pineapple. 50c to get in. Magnificent display of pineapple tins and a HUGE blown up model of a scarey pineapple-killer bug thing. Genius. Pineapple cocktails all round.

  428. The top item on your list is “Don’t Die” – WTF would you pick Australia? Sure quantas has never had a crash, but all the Australian animals want to kill and eat you. ALL of them.

    Also, New Zealand is way way better in every way. I’m definitely not biased in any way (living in Dunedin for 6.5 years). #1. Flying with Air New Zealand is far superior to Quantas. #2. New Zealand has no poisonous animals, in fact most are so harmless they’re practically extinct because they can’t defend themselves. Also, there are no snakes here and hamsters are illegal. #3. Hobbits. New Zealand is above and beyond more beautiful than Australia, and everything is much closer. You can see more of the country and a greater variety of landscapes than Australia. #4. Pineapple lumps. Hokey pokey. Cheese rolls. Lollycake. There are amazing delicacies that New Zealand has to offer. #5. Treatment of the indigenous people. Australia treated the Aboriginal people terribly. Whereas in NZ, a treaty was enacted very early on with the Maori people (although part of that may have had to do with the fact that they were mean warriors and the British realized early on they couldn’t really conquer them in battle).

    So there you go. NZ is clearly far superior.

  429. 1. SQUEE! Bloggess in Oz.
    2. Can I interview you? I promise booze slushies – just give me the recipe.
    3. Visiting Snowtown? Srs?
    4. ADELAIDE IS BORING. Trust me, I lived there for EIGHT YEARS. Come to Melbourne. There will be booze slushies.
    5. Melbourne has more ghost tours, more of everything really.
    6. Adelaide’s only attraction (over Melbourne) is the amazing number of wineries close together (I’m not winning on this one, am I? but Adelaide is SMALL compared to Melbourne) Melbourne has wineries – Yarra Valley, Phillip Island, etc.
    7. Melbourne has Phillip Island (well, it’s an hour away). Wineries AND PENGUINS. You might have to organise booze slushies in advance, but wine tasting will be ready – as long as you don’t go on a Tuesday.
    8. Melbourne is in Victoria, which has the gold fields with all the Eureka Stockade touristy stuff. Plus ghosts. And wine.
    9. Melbourne has kangaroos and wallabies – close to wineries or even on the grounds of some wineries. I advise against boxing them. Whatever you do, do NOT grab their front paws either (unless you want their hind paws to rip your stomach open) but apart from that, they’re awesome. Best viewed with a glass of wine in one hand. And a bottle in the other 😉

  430. leanne tankel

    You cant totally stay with me. I will even make popcorn and alcoholic Slushies (which are sold at all major music events) whilst we sit on the verandah watching Kangaroos box and avoiding the giant make one that is bigger then one of the ponies.

    Jenny i recommend watching the following movies to prepare:

    The Castle
    The man from snowy river (which has sad bits but i live not far from where he lived in the movie)
    Chopper (to be ready for the kind of crimminals we have here)
    A show called Housos which is about bogans – you can then safetly identify and steer clear of them
    Im going to include Black Sheep – which is a New Zealand horror movie about killer sheep and then you will be glad that New Zealand isnt located in Australia.

    DONT watch Wolf Creek.

  431. Because I am petty Carmen somewhere up there. Note Australians do not ” spell jail wrong” they spell it the original way. I am South African and we spell the same way the British do (where English comes from). I was very annoyed when some American women told me I spelt grey and colour incorrectly. Languages adapt I am not saying you spell incorrectly but you don’t spell in English you spell in American. SIGH!

  432. I am an Aussie and I tell people to visit New Zealand more than anywhere in Australia. I freakin’ love that country!

    However, you are coming to our glorious nation and you MUST visit Tassie (MONA, the east coast and WINEWINEWINEWINE!!!!), Melbourne (markets, bars, coffee and breakfast) and Sydney (Manly and Gelato Messina). If you would like the chance to “hold” a sea eagle (or a koala, snake, owl, walk a dingo) then Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary in Brisbane is the place to go. (I had a sea eagle on my hand and got photos taken with her, my life has never been more awesome.)

    And most importantly, the best Big Thing: http://www.atlasobscura.com/places/big-poo

    And we really want to meet you 🙂

  433. When are you coming and are you swinging by Adelaide in South Australia? If so, I will gladly cook you kangaroo satays and a crocodile stir fry. We’ll have a gorgeous pavlova for dessert of course. The New Zealanders get all sniffy when we claim pavlova as our own but once you taste it you’ll want to claim it for your own, too 😀

  435. Woo hoo, this Aussie (wth one vagina) is totally stoked! Let us know if your doing any promos or book tours, I’d love to come! And don’t let the bastards scare you with all our deadly animals, there are 22 million of us here so it can’t be that deadly x

  436. Yep… Adelaide is awesome. I know, I’m from here… I haven’t murdered anyone as of yet but it’s only a matter of days no doubt – so let me know if you want to be in on that shiz 😛

    Don’t believe what that other Laura tells you.. Kangaroos are extremely fighty… I once got kicked off a log by one as it wanted my breakfast cereal. Vicious, vicious creatures!

    These are the the sort of shenanigans you can expect from this awesome country!

    Would REALLY love it if you did some sort of book signing things down here, especially in my state.. It would be cool to meet you.. I’m almost 90% sure it would be about cool as meeting grumpy cat! 😀

  437. I don’t know if this is a repeat because that is an awful lot of comments to read through but here is a song for you:

    It’s not so bad though, I’ve lived here my whole 32 years and 8 months and I have only ever been stung by a plant and only bitten once, by a possum, and that was only a few months ago. I lived 😉 I don’t recommend boxing kangaroos though, those things are very “fighty” when it suits them.

    If you are coming to Australia I hope you’ll do a little mini book tour while you’re here! I would love to see you.

  440. Dear heavens, for a minute I envisioned you putting a kangaroo into a box. You know, you boxed one. I need help.

  441. Oh great. So I had to check a blog from the other side of the world to find out I live in a “BLOOD DRENCHED MURDER CITY”. Thanks for the insomnia.

    Btw, the old Adelaide Gaol has a ghost tour if you do head down this way. We didn’t see anything supernatural but the reactions you got from poking people in the back of the neck with a pipecleaner made up for it.

  442. Wow! I just read through this entire comment thread and can’t believe that no one has mentioned that New Zealand used to be part of Australia. Newstralia is just as real as Constantinople.
    NZ was claimed as part of the state of New South Wales in 1788.
    Declared itself independent 1835 (with our very own declaration of independence).
    Relinquished that independence to the British in 1840…. apparently we don’t want to be Aussies but don’t mind being Brits.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_proposed_states_of_Australia#New_Zealand
    As you can see the main reason we’re not part of them now is that us Kiwis just don’t want to be Aussies.

    p.s. Australia’s wildlife really isn’t that bad.
    p.p.s. If you guys do want to come to New Zealand I’m sure we could raise the money for flights. I know someone who made all the elf ears for Lord of the RIngs and works on special effects in the Hobbit.

  443. I suppose someone has already mentioned the whole ‘most things in Australia can kill you’ thing. Just so you know, that’s true, including kangaroos. If you actually got in a fight with a kangaroo, with gloves or without, you’d be deadified quicksmart after it kicks you with (both) its hind legs and eviscerates you. They have massive claws. For realsies.

    Its really nice here though. So pretty!

  444. Before you go, treat yourself to “In A Sunburned Country”, by Bill Bryson. He’s a hilarious writer. AND, oh joy, hw narrates his own books on audio.

  445. If you ever needed a reason to come to Adelaide… this is it. It clarifies just how damned creepy we are here. Im pretty sure our tourism board didn’t realise how creepy this video makes us out to be.

  448. Hooray! I’m a temporary Aussie for the next 2 years! Once in a lifetime chance to get different taxidermied animals to take back to the states… You have to come to Toowoomba just because its SO fun to say! That and I JUST missed you on your book tour in at least two different states back in the US.

  449. OMG!!!!! You have to come to Queensland, Brisbane specifically!!! It’s true, we have the most insane taxidermied toads (& other weird aminals) AND we’re the best at finding excuses to get drunker. Excuse no 1: it’s bloody hot. As it’s hot all the time, it’s pretty much fine to drink whenever. Also, if you come to Brisbane, can I take photos???? Ok I’ll stop fan girdling now, but I’ve been reading your writings for donkey’s years, and many many times something you’ve written has given me the energy and/or anger to keep fighting. And I never ever thought you’d come down under…..yay!!!

  450. To prepare for your trip, you should get the Gold’s Gym Dance Workout Wii game. Why? Because in one of the arcade games you get to BOX WITH A KANGAROO! http://media.nintendo.com/nintendo/bin/5NOLIEK4P75BEEsaSD8a-ttiiSteudce/vGAXjcnpbI-1yYts8eEtYs18y9lRN8mW.jpg

    In the game you can also race lions (in case any escape from a zoo) or try to paddle away from a potential man-eating crocodile. I know. This is exactly what you need to prepare for Australia!

  451. If you come to Sydney & need a local guide/another person to drink with/someone happy to hide & drink in a bathroom with you, please email me!!! I’d be happy to show you around & take you to fun/weird places!!

    Also, (unrelated) I just got back from 5 weeks overseas to find that my best friend had bought me a large-ish metal chicken & had left it sitting on my doorstep to greet me, inspired by Beyonce. So if you have a bad day, just think; your wonderful blog is instigating metal chicken purchases as an act of love all over the world!!

  452. I read this post and curiosity drove me to look up this business about kangaroos having three vaginas. First off, “do kangaroos have three vaginas?” popped up as the fourth most popular thing asked of Google in regard to kangaroos. Second, once I researched this (i.e glanced over an article and soaked up just enough to weird people out) I promptly complained to my coworkers that there is a problem down under, in that there are vaginator mammals prowling Australia. Moreover, it pains me that I will never again see a Koala as a cute ball of fluffy happy, but as a dirty piece of swiss cheese.

  455. While there are a lot of commercially available treatments you can use, there are also lots of other natural treatments made from all-natural ingredients that you can use as an alternative.
    Exercise is a well-known natural stress and anxiety treatment. Unless someone has been through it, they just can not understand.

  456. Ya gotta luv it when Australians take the piss.. lol
    99.99% of aussies have never seen a venomous snake, sea critter or crocodile in the wild.. let alone get threatened, chased or at best.. murderated by one lol. You be lucky if you see a live kangaroo, flying from city to city.. you may see a dead one if you drive any place.
    The drop-bears .. now that’s hysterical.. this was a story we told tourists back in the late 70’s just to get a laugh. Can’t believe all these years later it has popped up on a blog from half a world away.
    I think you would be pretty hard pressed to find an Australian who would take offence at anything written in your blog.. we are the kings of ‘taking the piss out of ourselves’.. your blog was hysterical.. sheesh you should read what bloggers down here write about Americans .. now that shite IS offensive 😉

  457. If you get an opportunity to box a kangaroo and you have the courage to try it go for it. Make sure someone videos it. Also, make sure you get the only copy because when you get home you can become a surefire YouTube star. A girl boxing a kangaroo is surefire YouTube hit.

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