This seems like big news but it’s really not.

in I am totally overrated, Random Crap

For the last couple of years I’ve had a lot of people contact me about making Let’s Pretend This Never Happened into a movie or tv show and I’ve said no to all of them.  Honestly, I only listened to the pitches because I thought it would be funny to write about, but then I got distracted and never actually wrote about it.  It was very flattering though.

Don Cheadle’s production people touched base with me two years ago and I told them that I’d be interested, but only if Don Cheadle played me because I love that man and I think he has great range.  They never called me back.

Then there was another big studio that called because they thought my book sounded really “sexy” (no shit, you guys) and I laughed so hard that I couldn’t breathe and they thought I hung up.  Another network contacted me last year and I told them I’d consider it if they apologized for canceling Freaks and Geeks, and if they also brought Rags to Riches back so I could find out what happened to all those orphans.  This is all true and is a great lesson in how much fun life can be when you realize you’re the only person in the world who doesn’t actually want to be on tv.

There were a few times when I almost got close to signing a contract just because I thought it would give me something funny to write about but all of the contracts contained a clause that said I would not be able to say anything about the show without prior consent, and so I turned them all down because my freedom to write whatever I want is more important than money, and that was a nice realization because it came as a great surprise to me to find out that I actually did have ethics.

Then last month I got a call from some people who’ve followed the book since it was just a small proposal and who’ve spent hours trading possum-chasing stories with me, and they found a network and writers that loved the people in my book as much as I do, and understood that irreverent is good and that cursing can be important (even if bleeped), and they even changed the wording of the contract from “You can never write about this” to “Fine.  Just don’t be an asshole” (I’m paraphrasing) and suddenly I didn’t have anything to object to.

All this to say that you might read something somewhere about my book being optioned for a show, but if it actually becomes a tv show it probably won’t happen for a year or two so nothing really changes, except that I will get just enough money (after fees and taxes) to replace our broken dishwasher and put a fence up in the backyard.  Sorry to crush your dreams if you’re thinking that a tv show changes your life.  It doesn’t.  Which is good, actually, because I like our life the way it is.

That being said, I probably won’t mention this again for years.  This is the most anticlimactic announcement ever.  Sorry about that.  I suck at making things glamourous.

PS. I wasn’t planning on publishing this until I actually knew if anything would come of it but I’m getting twitter congratulations because it was just announced.  It’s really very cool, but everything in my world stays at pretty much exactly the same level of hermity weirdness as before.

PPS.  I found a place in town that rescues monkeys and I’m going to see if they’ll let me volunteer there, BECAUSE MONKEYS, you guys.  Now, if that actually happens?  That’s a big deal.  It’s important to keep perspective.

333 thoughts on “This seems like big news but it’s really not.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Well, as long as you have your priorities straight…because MONKEYS!

    (BECAUSE MONKEYS is my new mantra. It’s almost as good as BECAUSE WINE. Not quite though. ~ Jenny)

  2. be careful because one time i met a monkey and then the second i turned my back on him he ripped my scrunchie out of my hair and now i’m traumatized and scared of monkeys.

    oh, but that book thing is pretty cool.

  3. I hate reality tv, but if *you* had a reality show, I’d DVR the shit out of it. Congrats, good luck, and all that other biz. You deserve it and more!

    (I would never in a million years do a reality show. They make me nervous just watching them. ~ Jenny)

  4. I would LOVE to see a TV show based off of your book. Finally there can be something good to watch. Also, I should play you in that show. Careful with the monkeys. It’s all fun and games til one throws it’s shit at you. True story.

  7. Huge congrats on holding out until you got an offer that fit you.
    PS. Every monkey I’ve ever met in person was a huge asshole. Fair warning.

  8. “I told them I’d consider it if they apologized for canceling Freaks and Geeks”
    I have never loved anyone in my life more than I love you right now. Don’t tell my son.

  9. I thought I was the only one devastated when Rags to Riches was cancelled!!!!

    Oh, and congrats on maybe being able to replace your dishwasher – washing dishes by hand SUCKS!

  12. You’re getting a LOT of money – a careless driver took out 6 FEET of my fence and it cost $950 to replace it!

  14. I, too, wondered what happened to those orphans in Rags to Riches. Like the one girl who returned . . . did she ever go back to the rich dad and her friends? These things need to be answered!

    Major congrats on the TV deal! Let’s hope Don Cheadle signs on. I guess you could settle for Morgan Freeman or even James Earl Jones, too. 😉

  15. Will I get mentioned on your show? You know, as the strange twitter character who never actually appears like Norm’s wife or Carlton the Doorman. Because I could use a new fence too, or a shotgun. It’s a whole goat thing that I’d rather not go into because of 5th amendment reasons.

    (I think if it actually turns into a real show everyones name get changed except for mine, so technically you could claim to be whatever recurring guest might show up and no one could ever question you. ~ Jenny)

  18. Working with monkeys is way more impressive than any TV show. Who cares about that? Lots of people get TV shows but only the special few get to have monkey feces flung at them.

  19. Um…I’m sorry…I went blank after I read about the monkeys…tv show…something, something, dreams coming true…something…MOTHER-FUCKING MONKEYS!!!!!!!!!!!

  21. If I were surfing the cable menu and saw “Because Monkeys” I would totally click on it and wait for your segment. It seems you don’t want to make a big deal out of this so… I will respect that. My day was way more interesting anyway… cause I took a shower with a dog. We aren’t talking about the incident cause we still can’t look at each other.

  23. Freaks and Geeks, Rags to Riches–you speak to my soul! (I honestly thought I was the last person on the planet to remember Rags to Riches, even though it was clearly an 80’s classic.)

    Also, HOLY SHIT–TV shows and monkeys!! Excellent!

  25. This is really exciting. I kind of really hope it happens because I would watch that SO OFTEN.
    Also I kind of hope you get to volunteer at the monkey rescue place too, because that is also really exciting. And because monkeys. 🙂

  26. TV options are fleeting, monkeys are forever (maybe it just feels like forever?)

  29. I’d watch your show, but only if it was at least half as awesome as your blog. It’d take a major miracle on par with the parting of the Red Sea to make it as awesome as your blog, so I’ll settle for at least half as awesome.

  31. I went to college in a small town called Ellensburg. We had rodeos and a slaughterhouse (unrelated, I think…no pressure). We also had chimps, which aren’t monkeys, but what I learned May be applicable wisdom for dealing with monkeys (or TV people) ball caps are considered a form of aggression, I think it’s the bill. Masturbation is ok, but be careful, because when they’re done they sometimes throw poop.

    I think that covers what I learned. Good luck, never stop cursing.

  32. I’m so happy you held out until someone agreed to let you write about it. I have a feeling this is going to be awesome in a few years.

    Congrats!

  34. Hey, I might have room on my DVR by then! Also, I hope you get to volunteer because my mind is racing with all the shenanigans you could get up to with all those monkeys. I mean, think of the possibilities. Can’t wait for the blog posts!

  35. Congratulations! On finding a place that rescues monkeys. You laugh about “sexy” but who’s wearing a super hot dalek costume for Halloween? Uh huh.

  36. Per my veterinarian manfriend: “The only good monkey is a heavily sedated monkey.” He also advises you to look up monkey herpes.
    p.s. we love your book. although the vet manfriend told me not to tell his colleagues just how much.
    p.p.s. the manfriend is a cat-only vet. if you’re ever in Seattle ….

  38. I can see LET’S PRETEND as a tv series. It’s got to be better than HONEY BOO BOO. And that’s even if a monkey wrote the script.

  39. I got my friend her very own monkey for her birthday a few years ago. For reals. Well, it was adopted from the WWF but they sent a really nice picture of him and some, you know, fingerprints and marks that could’ve been construed as a thank you note. Also a girl I once worked with bought a monkey and I went with her to pick it up and I got my face close to the cage and it smacked my face and threw feces.
    Monkeys suck monkey balls and I think they should all be stuffed in the “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” poses and sent to you for lawn ornaments. At least then I would like them again.
    AND congratulations! I will tune in to make sure they don’t fuck up your show. 🙂

  40. I’d like to see the book made into a video game. “Grand Theft Weasel,” or something like that. The player gets to be you, traveling the U.S. in search of odd architectural finds and taxidermied animals. The player has to use his or her wits to come up with the money to buy the items, or try to sneak away with them, or assume the form of Don Cheadle and trade the item for some of his autographed DVDs and such.

  41. BECAUSE MONKEYS is even better than BECAUSE WINE for me because all wine seems to want to stab my joints, even the wine that isn’t suppose to be stabby like that.

    When I was a kid, friends of our family had a pet monkey. It was pretty sweet when it was in a good mood, but like to bite and pull hair when it was in a bad mood. Oh, and it always threw its food all over the place, kind of like my dad got after he got Alzheimer’s. Interesting parallels there.

    So… BECAUSE MONKEYS!

    Also, I’d DVR your show and definitely watch it, instead of all the other stuff I DVR and never watch because I’d rather be writing. Maybe I’ll write about some monkeys.

  42. Monkey Rescue 911. Now THAT’S a show! Will you get to wear a badge? Or a special hat? Tell me they at least have tee-shirts. And if they don’t, maybe you could sell some to them from your zazzle thingie.

  44. You may not want to do a reality show, but it would top all reality shows. I mean, who really wants to watch another Kardashian implosion? But to watch Victor’s response when you open yet another cobra/mongoose death match – all time TV ratings high. Just saying….

  45. Ask for double in cash, royalties, residuals, syndication residuals, merchandizing rights, and don’t forget all that for international distribution… just make it ‘universal’ distribution for royalties on any in-space-flight entertainment; Then you should jump on board with those hollywood people. I would also like to request to be a reoccurring extra.

    Happy Friday!
    – Jess

  48. Rescues monkeys? How many monkeys can there be? (wait, knowing that will depress me, because the amount of DOGS needing rescue already does and monkeys shouldn’t even be legal. Or are they in Texas? Are they bigger in Texas too? How do they get there? Are there coyotes for monkeys as well?)

  49. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could get Nathan Fillion to guest star in an episode? As a character whose role somehow required him to handle twine in every scene?

  50. Holy gee, I was just reading Deadline on a Friday night (as one does) and just saw this. CONGRATULATIONS.

    Also, my husband used to be engaged to the sister of one of the orphans in Rags to Riches. She is now one of the stylists in the Hunger Games. It’s tough out there for an orphan.

  51. Dude, that’s awesome! I still can’t get anyone from a network interested in my reality show idea in which people I don’t like have to eat bowls of live scorpions.

  52. what was that line??? If you make (build it) they will come, my husband loves that damn baseball movie, I hate it, but if you make a movie, I totally will come and watch it, over and over and over. So make it and they will come. Also… by the way….. I need to rent a sloth. Seriously my daughter would love me always and forever and think I am cool and not weird. I have looked everywhere and can not find a place in NC that rents them, how do you find these people to rent these things from???

  53. You know-I work at the Primate Center in Oregon. Hundreds, actually probably thousands of monkeys. Does that mean we can be besties?

  54. I love this blog but I’ve got to call bullshit on this post. Possibly having your book optioned to become a television series is a HUGE deal! Last month you wrote a couple of posts about (I’m paraphrasing here) how you’re practicing “having as much compassion for yourself as you do for others” and “remembering to congratulate yourself on the things you do fantastically.” This is one of those times! Even if it never comes to fruition, having multiple offers to turn your book into a movie/television series is an enormous success; is it possible that you do so many things fantastically you’re just feeling bored by your awesomeness?
    On second thought, maybe you do realize how huge your news is, but you’re down-playing it because you don’t want another stalker. In which case, I compliment your foresight and self-restraint and can’t wait to read about your volunteer monkey babysitter experiences.

    (I needed to read this. Thank you. My shrink says I have a fear of success and she’s right. I expect and work well with failure but when cool things happen I always find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop because I know it will. It saves on hope, but it’s not really the best way to live. I’ll try to put my Impostor Syndrome to the side and appreciate that enough people liked the book so much that they want to see it on the screen. Plus, I just realized that Nathan Fillion is on the same network and I might be able to sneak into his dressing room if I ever get invited to see the set. WIN. ~ Jenny)

  55. I’d watch that tv show in a hot minute. Like Ally McBeal with out the lawyers. Damn. Now I’m all excited.

  56. You should make them name an episode “Because Monkeys”. Or maybe the whole show.

  57. Exciting news!! Congrats!! Bloggess goes Hollywood! 🙂
    Wish you nothing but the best!! Honestly 🙂

  59. Having a working dishwasher (the last apartment we rented had a mostly broken dishwasher) and a fenced in backyard are totally life changing things. Seriously. Especially with small child(ren). For over a year I have had to chase my daughter down and keep her from randomly opening our neighbor’s front door and walking in to pet their cats. Thankfully our neighbors are wonderful and understanding but a fenced in backyard would be SO life changing for me. I might actually be able to sit and relax and let her just play. I guess I’ve got to get some exercise somehow though…

  60. Hmmm Freak and Geeks was a great show and happily many actors have done well since then. Oh yeah; you and your book. It sounds great and knowing whole long networks take to think of anything I understand your semi-excitement. Remember what happened to Chelsea Handler’s comedy show? I agree with other readers in asking for more upfront. I mean ya gotta get money to keep buying cool stuff like taxidermy creatures right?

  61. But… But… YAAAAY anyway… I mean, nothing I do will ever be considered for a TV show, reality based or otherwise. Hell, I don’t even have a book, so I can live vicariously through you! Then there’s the fence thing. They keep unwanted trespassers out of your yard, and are a lot quieter than an AK47. So, if you can get one for your back yard, by all means. Just post pictures… OK?

    OH, and the monkey thing, that’s cool too! Please keep us informed. *THAT* sounds like fun!

  62. Finally! Other people who appreciate Rags to Riches!

    Oh, and congratulations on the show. And the ethics.

  63. But, you have to show up at the monkey farm in striped stockings and glittery red shoes. Because, when ELSE will you get that chance ? 😉

    PS: Wear a Don Cheadle mask … just because. Hell, it’ll make great fodder for the TV show.

  64. Monkeys? FOR REAL? Dream job, dude.

    I just really, really hope that no matter what, somehow the opening sequence will include Will Wheaton with some twine.

    xoxo.

  69. I used to know a monkey who would very gently yank a strand of hair out of my head and floss with it. He also used to try and take my beer and would yell at me if I didn’t give it to him. So, I guess the lesson is, arm yourself with dental floss? I don’t know, he wasn’t my monkey.

  72. Please tell me they’ll find a way to reenact the “Jenkins you motherfucker” chapter. They have to figure out a way to do that. Or any of the stories involving your dad.

  73. I thought for sure the network was going to be Animal Planet. I’m disappointed.

  74. A friend of mine used to volunteer at a primate rescue and then one day a monkey attempted to get intimate with the back of her head. She doesn’t volunteer there anymore.

  75. OMG! Ok, so if they film it in Texas, then you could talk them into giving tours of the taxidermy props when production isn’t running. The proceeds from the tours and photo booth pics with Juanita and friends can benefit *the monkey rescue place*! Full circle! Plus, I can get my pic taken with Juanita!

  78. > BECAUSE MONKEYS, you guys.

    now THAT would be a great name for the show. Or a rock band. Maybe both.

    So fucking happy for you, Jenny.

  83. RAGS TO RICHES!!!! I made my mom tape it on VHS and I watched it over and over again. Sigh. Thanks for that.

    And, congrats. I’m not so not surprised to hear about amazing things coming your way. Not one bit.

  84. ABC is the only network I’m watching now. (Modern Family and Castle.) You’re in good company. (And not just with the monkeys.)

  86. The whole time I read your book I could see it in my mind. I’m surprised it wasn’t picked up earlier. But now I have to tell everyone to read the book first since the book is always better than the movie. I’m not sure if the same thing goes for tv.

  88. Congrats! That is exciting! Now if they could do your show followed by Freaks and Geeks than I would be REALLY happy!
    Ps Monkeys are crap flingers…at least when trapped at the zoo and too many people are staring at them waiting for them to do something interesting 🙂

  89. This is the chance for Nathan Fillion to play Victor. Though Will Wheaton or Simon Pegg are good sports and should get dibs.

  90. Please tell me you get to pick who plays you.

    (I suggested Mindy Kaling but I don’t think they’re really looking for my input. ~ Jenny)

  91. And wow, apparently my keyboard is inputting strange robot emoticons without my knowledge. Is this the sign of an impending apocalypse?

  93. We once had a monkey drag some guy into a cage and then rampage loose for a quarter hour or so. It was very exciting. Maybe Dr. Who could make some sort of cameo on your show! Or a monkey. Or the whole cast of Freaks and Geeks. EVERYONE.

  96. I am really excited for you! It’s always nice to find a fit for you, instead of trying to fit in yourself.

    Where I live, monkeys travel on the top of local trains and sometimes show up and smash my neighbour’s bathroom mirrors. Your excitement amuses me.

  97. This reminds me of the time I was in Tanzania and we stopped at a guard station and everyone got out of the van but the last person out forgot to shut the door so the monkeys, seizing the moment (as monkeys are wont to do) leapt into the van, went directly to our lunch boxes, opened them with their nimble monkey fingers, and took only the little bananas. Seriously. They didn’t take any of the other food or valuables. Seemed kind of cliche, but what do I know?
    P.S. I hope you get the fence of your dreams.

  98. When my husband was a child in Ecuador, a monkey stole his stick of sugar cane. He has remained distrustful of them ever since. His mother had a golden tamarin that would sleep in her hair, but there was … well an unhappy end. 🙁 I am like quadruple banned from being allowed a pet primate of any sort because they steal and then die in tragic ways.

  99. Your blog makes me happy. 🙂 I thought I was the only one in the world who still remembered Rags to Riches. And Congratulations!

  100. You know, I’m totally down with your book being made into a show, but that kinda makes me sad. HST would become a stage whore from all the fame, and become addicted to the street nip, then the staring objectively into wall corners would be his ‘thing’ and no one wants that to be their thing. Wearing your pants backwards or collecting rotten pumpkins, those are ‘things’. Not being known as “that cat that was awesome but let fame go to his head and now steals your good China to pay for his addictions.”
    Anyway, congrats, and just keep a close eye on kitty.

  101. I would like to play the part of Hunter S. Thomcat. I agree that Wil Wheaton could be Victor.

  103. If you have a say in it, please make sure that they will put it on Netflix, too, because I haven’t owned a TV since 2006 but would be quite bereft to miss a show based on your book.

  104. Little monkeys are sweet, big monkeys not so much. They rip faces off.
    I often laugh so hard I cry whilst (I just like using that word, feels old fashioned) reading your blog.
    Why?

    Because MONKEYS.

    And Beyoncé.

  106. Wow! You could have a book, a Podcast and a TV show! You could be the female Kevin Smith! Ooh, that didnt sound right…

  107. Is there a big monkey abandonment problem there that requires a MONKEY rescue??

    I’d watch the shit out of any show even remotely related to anything you wrote… but now I’m terrified by these loose monkeys with abandonment issues.

  108. Mistake #1 – Reading this post before I took a Pee Break.
    Mistake #2 – Not listening to my bladder as it said, “You are going to be soooo sorry, you bitch.”
    Mistake#3 – Reading Kelly write about monkeys and her father (and feeling bad that I was laughing out loud).
    Result- Me – taking baby steps to the bathroom so my pee wouldn’t fall out.

    @Amanda – great call. Jenny deserves everything she has EARNED. I am glad you reminded her of it.

    Jenny, I love yew, and you make it possible for me to Stay Calm and Carry On, on days when I don’t really want to.

  110. I am more amazed that they have a place in Texas that rescues monkeys. Monkeys y’all. Who knew there were that many abandoned and/or mistreated monkeys in Texas in need of rescue?

    Perhaps that could be the basis for an episode for your TV show. Rescue monkeys, because, MONKEYS!! And what kind of asshole would abandon one?

  111. I like the idea of hanging out with monkeys as much as the next guy, but I’ve also seen Outbreak and Oprah’s intercut with that poor lady who had her face eaten off by a PET monkey, so be careful. Monkeys can’t be trusted. Who gets to decide who plays you?

  115. OH MY GOD. New life goal is to become a professional actress in time to play a young you. I really want to stick my arm up a cow’s vagina.

  116. Well that is fantastic news! Watch out for poo flinging from the teevee execs, too, not just the monkeys.

  118. We don’t have monkeys but we do have a bobcat, two adorable baby opossums, a three legged opossum named Peg,blind/neutered and de-scented skunk named Trigger ,a baby skunk named Daisy, and a vulture who thinks he is a chicken and lots of funny baby squirrels. We are in Claremore and would love to see you.

  119. @Amanda – Yes. Exactly!

    Jenny, congratulations. I’m so happy for all the people who may now get to enjoy your world! Also about the dishwasher!

    A word about monkeys (or several). I volunteered at a rescue place when I was in high school, BECAUSE MONKEYS! But it turns out they also rescued “big cats” and large angry birds. And what they put me to work on was cleaning up shit from all these animals. The closest I got to monkeys was when they laughed at me while I watched, fascinated, as the liger (that’s a thing) backed up to the cage where I was cleaning large angry bird shit and fucking sprayed pee all over me. So just be careful, okay? Maybe wear a poncho.

  121. Great news. Congrats…a TV show featuring your insanity. That means I will watch and enjoy becasue your kind of insanity I can relate to. The shitcoms that are on TV are not worth my very valuable time..which is spent reading your blog, selling on Etsy, hanging out with goofy grandkids and other weird family members and friends……and being otherwise gently retired. I hope they don’t wait too long to make this happen…..But now I have something to look forward to.

    Peace out

  122. I’m pretending I’m not screaming like a lunatic right now. I mean…MONKIES!
    Also, I kind of like tv, so…I think Morgan Freeman should narrarate. He’s got the gravitas to legitamitely tell your story.
    Legitemitely. Legitimately? That one. That’s the one.
    But…will your monkies have wings?

  123. Just be careful if the monkey thing does work out – my friend’s sister was bitten by a monkey. A monkey her grandparents were monkey-sitting. You know, as you do. (Incidentally they sound like really cool grandparents, don’t they?)

    And congrats on the possible-tv-show 🙂

  125. You’re awesome just the way you are. Also, you’re probably the only blogger who wouldn’t become insufferable once immortalized on celluloid.

  126. See, I was under the impression that options don’t really mean very much so if you get offered them, take the money and run. But now the calculus that multiple people might want to option your work and one of them might care about it enough to want to do it right? Oh, that makes my head hurt.

    I suspect that whatever I do that’s worth optioning will probably be for something that should on no account be adapted, though.

  128. 1. Listen to your shrink, but the other shoes ALWAYS whacks me right on the head, so … cautious optimism??
    2. Took me YEARS to stop screaming at Booth to “use your fucking VAMPIRE STRENGTH ASSHOLE”! And I STILL see Sweets as Sam Weir.
    3. I grew up in FL, hellmouth of the nation. And I can normally get behind “because monkeys” but I SAW these little fuckers, or their grandparents in the 80’s and 90’s … EVIL (but not ALL monkeys I am sure…but again, cautious optimism).
    4. Make sure you buy a fancy ass dishwasher!

    Because monkeys pro:
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/06/baby-wild-monkey_n_4053270.html

    Because monkeys con:
    http://nypost.com/2013/09/12/herpes-infected-monkeys-terrorize-florida/

  132. Congratulations! How exciting to find the right partnership!

    And holy crap – thank you for reminding me about Rags to Riches! I taped so many episodes of that show. I totally forgot all about it until just now.

  133. Correction needed in 3rd sentence, actual should be actually, now Victor won’t have to comment on it, but your reply and post regarding breath was terrific. I changed my comment name and email so that you would hold my comment and could read it and delete instead of posting a comment about a correction.
    Now for the well-deserved congratulations:
    Jenny, I absolutely love reading everything you’ve written and you do deserve the absolute best.
    Because. Jenny.
    I will definitely watch your show, (ABC had a typo in the 2nd line of their announcement.) I have been a fan since the Beyonce story went viral and have your hardcover book with the signed label and even listened to you read it on dvd. Eventually I will get the paperback and read your bonus chapter or watch it on your new TV show. I’ve never watched Dr. Who and I still loved the creativity of your costume. Congrats on everything, it is well-deserved.

  134. I was in a ghost hunting troop as the only engineer/fan-of-actual-science person who pretty much pooped on everyone’s parade by saying stuff like, “That’s just air pressure,” and “That was him passing gas not an EVP,” that the local news freaking always used for spooky stories, and when they were bored. I hid, or stayed out of camera range every time. I think I literally hit the floor once when a camera panned to me.
    And MONKEYS! Hell, yes! I taught my 2-year-old to do awesome monkey noises. My parenting skills suck less now.

  135. If you do get the show and the volunteer job, can I be one of the monkeys in TV show?

    I would be an awesome monkey.

    Except for being old and bald and having an artificial arm.

    But, Jenny, how cool would it be to costar in a TV show with an old bionic monkey.

    Think this through.

  138. I’d like to see Felicia Day play you and hey, maybe Fillion could play Victor. I’d pay good money to see that!

  139. Bloody hope it makes its way to the UK – we love metal chickens and monkeys, but we love David Tennant more. What about Benedict Cumberbatch perhaps he could play Beyonce?

  140. I think I must be the biggest a-hole in the world at the moment, because my first thought upon reading this was, “Oh no! They’re going to ruin the TV show I’ve already got going on in my head!” (Disclaimer: it doesn’t literally play out like a TV show; there are no commercial breaks or studio audience.) I hope they don’t use a studio audience. I hope they do it like Psych or Monk. Or Castle. Or any other show where I don’t have to question the timing and degree of the audience reaction.

    Anyway, congratulations! I hope you managed to get the Rags to Riches clause worked in there, except it would have to be a reunion show, since it’s been what, 20+ years? Even the little one is an adult now. [I think as a kid I had a crush on one of them. Can’t remember which one now.]

    *singing* “Hey Mr. Foley, look and see… the Bloggess’ life will be on TV…”

    *looks at clock* Okay I should go to bed.

  142. I think we should focus on reality here. It is a possible tv show; it won’t be as good as your blog. No way it could be that good. BUT, they have to cast someone to play Victor. And we should start a grassroots campaign, right now, for that to be NATHAN FILLION.

  143. This is a great idea if they can do verbatim to the book and capture the essence of you being you. Don’t forget about getting paid for residuals….that is if in the future they have a marathon of your movie you will get paid appropriately.

  145. I apologize in advance because this is SO stupid but while I’m really, really happy for you, I’m also very selfishly sad to think that you will become this huge celebrity (which you probably already are, but I’m disconnected from those things so what do I know). And I am afraid that I will lose a great friend who I’ve barely met (once in Maryland) but have turned to so often when things have been dark and sad. Especially when all of the actual “would you please hug me because I could really use it” friends have fled that darkness. Hells bells, Jenny…I know that’s a lot to put on a single person…and I don’t mean to…but this tribe has gotten me through so much in the last three years. I even have a picture of you & me at a book festival to celebrate that fact, and it makes me smile, but not in a stalker-y way. Which is a long way of saying that I wish you only the best. Because you’ve helped me to understand that I matter. And I love you for that.

  146. Congratulations! I would have to download the show illegally though!
    as in Singapore there is no swearing, drugs, nudity on tv and they wouldn’t show your tv show here, even on HBO things are censored.

  147. Congratulations! I’m in complete agreement with Amanda, it’s a huge thing and you’ve earned it. So glad you held out for the right offer. I’m really pleased for you.

  148. JENNY I JUST YELLED AT MY ROOMMATE AND MADE HER DROP EVERYTHING AND READ THIS BECAUSE AWESOME. Great. Now I’m one of those people who yells in all caps. Oh well. Congratulations, you!

  149. I read the announcement you linked to and I don’t understand any of that Hollywoodese. However, I like the fact that they saw no need to (or maybe couldn’t) explain what your show will be about, but they needed to explain that the other show is about incest in New Jersey what with the married siblings and all.

  150. There’s a letter downstairs addressed to “Fierce Monkey, [rest of my address]”. I’m kind of nervous/intrigued to see who shows up to collect it. I hadn’t noticed any monkeys living here, fierce or otherwise!

  151. Go you! Do not down play it, that is 31 flavours of awesome.

    And if you TP Nathan’s dressing room but with twine not TP he will have to hold it.

    Btw, working with monkeys can make you ineligible to give blood. It’s my favourite part of the predonation questionnaire.

  152. I think this is wonderful – just read it all out to my husband in excitement. It better be shown in the UK too or I’ll send out FLYING monkeys! :0) x

  153. omg, sudden thought. Nathan Fillion works with ABC. Nathan Fillion has provided comedy fodder for the website. Can you say cameo… with a ball of twine? What a ratings boost that would be for your show and his.

    Seriously Ms. Jenny, congratulations. Don’t let a fear of success prevent you from enjoying this moment. Sure, the other shoe may drop, but you deserve to be furiously happy! Good luck!

    <3

  156. Congratulations! Not just for the show, but for finding out you have ethics.

    Don’t let them fuck it up, ‘k?

  157. I might give up my 3 year hiatus to watch that tv show

    HAHAHAH…I’m lying. I didn’t give up TV. I just watch netflix instead of cable..

  158. I’m not convinced that a TV version of your life could be any funnier than your actual life, but I’d still watch it. I already can’t wait to see the “Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken” episode. And like a few people have already suggested, I could totally get behind the idea of Wil Wheaton playing Victor.

    The phrase “rescue monkeys” made me a little sad, but it’ll be cool for you to have a chance to do that. But DO NOT bring Copernicus with you as a reference. He will fuck things up, and probably not in a good way.

    Congrats on the new fence!

  159. I’m still hoping Don Cheadle will play you because you are both all kinds of awesome and he’d be wonderful playing you : D. Is it too late to start a twitter campaign for this? Is Don Cheadle even on twitter? Seriously I follow you, the Wheatons, some Korean and Japanese musicians (and I only understand the pictures and when they write in English) and Pharrell Williams. And I have to follow twitter on computer because my phone is a dumb as a rock phone but I can talk on it, so not all bad. But I would totally campaign for Don Cheadle to play you : D

  160. How weird that I was just thinking about Rags to Riches but I couldn’t remember the name of the show. Thanks for helping!

  162. Because WINE and MONKEYS…or MONKEYS WITH WINE.. or WINE WITH MONKEYS… all could have their own awesome implications!

  163. just make sure you get a set invite for the sloth visit. And really how wrong could it go, anthony bourdain’s book got turned into a shitty tv show, but he was played by bradley cooper.

    ok let’s play who plays jenny
    can i pick laura prepon

  164. Oh, now I want to know if it will focus on the tiny Jenny or on the grown up Jenny. Both could be fun. I’d ask who was going to play me but I think I’m just a vague extra in this story. If they need Hogwarts scarves for any taxidermied animals, I’m your girl.

  165. Congrats! I am just trying to picture the scene with your dad’s “talking” squirrel. Be sure to wear a rain slicker when you volunteer, monkeys like to throw their poop.

  169. Good for you for not signing just any contract with stars in your eyes. Do it right or don’t do it at all!

    Oh, and MONKEYS! You do the coolest shit 🙂

  170. Congrats!
    I _loved_ Rags to Riches! I think I have the original movie the show was based on, on VHS, around here somewhere… I loved Joseph Bologna!

  171. A monkey rescue?!? That sounds awesome!! Imagine the stories you’d have from helping there with monkeys being, well, monkeys!!

    Also, I would have totally paid to see Don Cheadle play you. That man DOES have the range for it. 🙂

  172. Jenny,
    Let’s be honest here, shall we?
    Kevin O’Leary is an egotistical ass and an ego-maniacal money-hungry tyrant, but he confessed years ago that for him, tv is a means to an end.

    If your work is adapted for television, more people will be aware of your work.
    If more people are aware of your work, they’ll look closer at ALL aspects of your work. (i.e. the next book)
    If more people look closer at all aspects of your work, many of those people will buy anything and everything with your name on it.
    If I’m right – and I am – this would be the ultimate cross-promotional opportunity for The Bloggess brand. And yes, you are poised to become a brand. Like Coke. But better, because you don’t rot people’s teeth.

    So congratulations on entering the next phase of your rise to super stardom, Jenny. You’ve earned every accolade and opportunity that is coming your way, baby.

    As for me, my career still sucks. But there’s something to be said for continuity, I guess.

  177. Monkeys sound all nice, but they are like ragged orphans in Dickens’ novels – they have big eyes and will steal anything not nailed down. Even if they have no use for it, like a bag full of toiletries.

  179. This sounds like congratulations are deserved to me. I’m a bit terrified of what a sitcom format would do to your story, but hopefully it will be more like Louie and less like Three’s Company.
    Because MONKEYS, indeed. x

  180. As a 40 year old lifelong Curious George fan who has just recently been travelling a lot for work and taking various members of her collection the road like the Travelocity knome I totally get why monkeys are way more exciting. Congratulations on the opportunity to work with live monkeys. Taking selfies with stuffed ones is cool, especially the ones where I pretended George went on a bender in Madison, WI but working with live ones sounds way cooler. Congratulaions on all of your success and possibly being on TV. We cancelled our cable two years ago due to lack of programmimg but I would absolutely fork over the cash to TWC to watch your tv show because you are the funniest person I have ever wished I could meet in person. Go You!!!

  181. This is wonderful and might actually create a scenario where I don’t just go home, put the kids to bed, pour a strong drink and watch back episodes of Supernatural. Laughter is good. Laughter would be good for me. And I’m happy for you, both for the lack of changes immediately and the big changes coming. Yay!

  182. This is HUGE news! And you deserve every second of it. I am late to the bloggess party because I just started following you a few years back, but I really loved your book and I stalk your blog. the best part about you (to me) is that you talk about mental illness like it’s just another thing. my family has struggled with mental illness for YEARS. it’s just always been a part of my life since I was little and I have never encountered someone like you. so, for that I thank you and I couldn’t be happier for your success. I hope you knock ’em dead!!! (figuratively, not literally, although it is so close to Halloween and I do love zombies.)

  183. Downplay it all you want, I think it could be amazing. Looking forward to watching just for the scene where your dad wears the dead squirrel on his hand.

    BECAUSE MONKEYS is your next T-shirt.

  184. Yay monkeys!!

    P.S. Did you have them put in a Beyoncé clause? Because no televisions show associated with you would even remotely come close to sparktacular unless there was something like a clause that says “Beyoncé must appear in every episode in an homage to Hitchcock’s penchant for cameos.”

  185. I love Rags to Riches. I’ve been meaning to find it for the kids and force them into watching it like I did Thundercats, Shera and Jem. Either way, Congratulations on the new dishwasher and fence. That’s actually a bigger deal than you are making it sound. I feel so sorry for people when I see their kitchens do not have a dishwasher. I just don’t know how they do it. I’m also kind of afraid to eat off their dishes, especially if their sponge stinks. Either way, it’s a big deal, especially if you are going to be on TV. You can’t be on TV without a dishwasher.

  186. I must say, I’m very disappointed that Don Cheadle didn’t rise to the challenge. There is no role bigger to play than that of you. Shame – it had Oscar and Tony AND Emmy all over it.
    Congrats to you! May you have the fanciest of dishwashers and the tallest of fences!

  188. If this means Jenkins is going to be on TV.. that is all I need to hear. I’m totally in.

  189. When I lived in Venezuela people stood on the side of the road selling monkeys every day. Swear to God it’s true. Want to go to Venezuela with me and buy/rent monkeys?

  190. Congratulations!

    I will be looking out for your show, even if the cast is played by your collection of ethically taximied animals in stop-motion.

    Probably especially then 🙂

  191. That is so exciting!!! I hope it all comes to fruition! Jenny, you are an amazing person. Enjoy this success!! And definitely, BECAUSE MONKEYS!!!!

  192. Hooray monkeys, and congrats on the deal, and I will of course watch, but I’m angsty about it. I’m skeptical about someone else’s ability to create a TV-version of you. Especially for network TV! HBO, fuck yeah, they allow language. And creativity. Fingers crossed!!

  193. Stop waiting for impending doom! Even if the show never makes the airwaves, this is a HUGE success! You have managed to do something that very few people can do, even when they are trying! Break out the booze slushies, pretty lady! It is time to celebrate! Also, Monkeys are totally more exciting. When I was still working, we had a pet monkey surrendered to our shelter. His former owner had been an alcoholic shut in, who was also a very talented seamstress. She had made him trunks of little monkey outfits. And if you did not let him pick a different outfit every day, he would scream and throw poo.
    I secretly called him Liberache, and I admired his devotion to looking dapper. I loved that sassy monkey.

  195. Just be sure to practice your duck and weave- for when the monkeys whip off their poopy diapers and throw them at you! DUCK AND WEAVE!

  197. FREAKS AND GEEKS!! Best show ever. You are the best author ever. Love you! I would love to play you on tv. or sing the theme song. 🙂

  198. I think working with monkeys while drinking wine is a wonderful idea.

    Just sayin.

    Also, a very laid back “cool” about the new fence and dishwasher. Because I’m sorry, but dishwashers and fences CHANGE LIVES.

  201. Jenny, it is a BIG deal. Stop selling yourself short.(I am short so I can say that.)

  202. I read the announcement on my cousin’s fb status! He’s married to Jessica Zaks! Congrats!!

  203. Dear Jenny—I’m so VERY happy for you!

    I think it’s awesome how you handled it!!! 1) Like staying detached from the offers that didn’t feel right and 2) being smart about reading the fine print and 3) having FUN with the whole experience! HOW COOL!!!

    I am rooting for a “Jenkins” episode, too!!

  204. They buried the lead-shouldn’t it say something about optioning a book by You, Jenny Lawson, and not your book with a bunch of random names behind it? I was very confused. I thought they 1) didn’t have a clue who actually wrote the book or 2) they actually wrote the book and you took credit (which is what I might do but maybe you have more integrity).
    Anyway, hope it all works out.

  205. Yay for you and that some network exec. finally having good taste!!!!
    And Texas monkeys = The Nolan Ryan Snow Monkey Ambassador story…Google it!

  207. How exciting! I can see Wil Wheaton playing Victor – and for you – Sandra Bullock. I think that would work. Could my cats audition to play your cats? After the last round of vet bills those little buggers need to earn their keep. Let me know!

  209. This is incredible news! I would love to see a show based off your book. Today’s TV lineup sucks. Wait. Will there be animal heads?

  210. That’s very exciting!!! Even though its not really a real announcement and it is not going to happen right away, I am still impressed :-). Also, why don’t I live anywhere near a monkey rescue? That seems unfair. I feel personally victimized (by Regina George of course).

  211. Don Cheadle playing you would be AWESOME. Especially if he used that fake British accent from the Ocean’s movies. Doesn’t matter that it’s set in Texas.

    (Don Cheadle’s fake British accent makes me melty. ~ Jenny)

  213. I’m not the only person who still wonders about Rags to Riches? Woo-hoo!

    and congrats! How exciting!

  214. Congratulations! I hope it comes to something, I’ve heard lots about how these things sometimes just never get to the final stage, but still, YAY!

    I would like to apologize right now for stealing it online, btw. I might buy it on DVD but I will be torrenting it before that. Sorry. But I don’t have a tv so I won’t be ruining the viewing figures, I promise.

    (This is the second time I’ve had to say this to someone this month. But you’re both on a different continent to me so I hope you get why I’m doing it.)

  215. Congrats! I will definately TiVo any show/movie.mini-series based on your book. But you may have to remind me when it actually comes out, cause TiVo only goes out like three weeks for what I can tell it to record.

  218. I was JUST explaining all about the wonder of Rags to Riches to my daughters last week! I loved that show.

  219. Oh holy hannah. I can only dream that we’ll be production counsel for this show. <3 <3

  221. OMG… think of the guest spots! Wil would, of course, have to play your office assistant, dutifully collating endless stacks of paper. Nathan can fail to show up for macrame lessons. Shatner could stalk you across strange new worlds. Beyonce could drop by to meet Beyonce. And of course Matt Smith could play your veterinarian.

    Ok, that settles it. I’m signing up for acting lessons so I can play your character in the show. Or maybe I can play Copernicus… because monkeys, of course!

  222. Getting your book optioned is great because they pay you whether they do anything or not. That’s the best. Also I had the most brilliant casting thought: Wil Wheaton must be cast as Victor. Am I right?

  224. If Don Cheatle were to play you, who would play Victor? Kristen Johnson from “3rd Rock”? Katee Sackhoff? Gina Torres (be a way to get Nathan Fillion to guest on the show).

    I don’t know which is more dangerous, though: TV executives or monkeys. I can see some network executive totally screwing things up to the point that you’d sue them to get your name off of it.

    Still, from the viewpoint a so-far-failed writer, this is a huge deal. You should be really happy.

  225. Jenny, all I have to say is, congratulations, and please, if you have any say in the matter, ask them to have the girl from the Taco Cabana commercials play you (you Texans who watch TV know what I’m talking about). I know you want Mindy Kaling or Don Cheadle, but Mindy already already has her own show and like bessyglass said, Don lacks your rack. But, every damn time I see the girl from the Taco Cabana commercials, I think, “shit, that girl should play the Bloggess.” She looks like you, and she has seems to have a quirky sense of humor to boot. Whether that includes taxidermy animals, I have no fucking idea, but her Wiki entry says she’s a comedienne: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anjelah_Johnson. And if you go to her web site, you can see she has mad rap skilz. Oh and holy fucking shit, If you go past the video to her web site (http://anjelah.com/#!prettyPhoto) and scroll down the page, you’ll see a picture of her with big curlers on. That’s it: this girl was born to play the Bloggess.

    (PS: I honestly don’t know this girl, and I’m not related to her. I just really think she should play you.)

  226. Girrrl, that is a big deal! Congrats! If I were you, I’d insist Scarlett Johannson played me. Because you know, accuracy is THE most important thing and you’re damn sexy.

  228. Still a pretty damn awesome contract no matter the new dishwasher and fence. Dishwashers are always nice to have — especially an attractive guy paying his way through college. And fences? They REALLY do make good neighbors!

    Congrats, dearest Jenny!

  229. You are gonna be famous (even more so than now)! Many congrats on your various offers. Something will come through and work out. You’ll be a huge hit! Just make sure you’re in there collaborating with them so they don’t take too many liberties with your book. It should be seen the way it was meant to be, through your eyes. And you’ll get through it all just fine. We have faith in you and love you! Take care and keep movin’ on up girl! Soon you’ll be in that ddddeeellluuuxxxeee apartment in the sky. Congrats again Jenny! Love and hugs to you and the family! ??????

  230. Congrats on the TV option! 🙂

    Now…. Rags to Riches and MONKEYS all in the same post? Holy Frick. I can stop searching now, for I have found my people.

    When we were kids, my brother and I were obsessed with monkeys. My brother even created a character called Monkey Kudu, out of a green rubber monkey-shaped pencil eraser. Why? After Yogi Kudu, of course. We re-enacted the famous “That’s Incredible” TV episode of Yogi Kudu contorting himself into a tiny, clear plastic box which was then lowered into a swimming pool— by stuffing Monkey Kudu into an empty cylindrical tooth-floss container, and lowered him into a drinking fountain. BAM.
    We were weird children.

  231. I’m with ya, girl…no desire to be on tv. How to get your work out into the world without leaving your house…it’s a conundrum.

  232. I really hope it gets picked up, because I would love to see TV Jenny driving with a middle finger splinter and yelling at other drivers “I’m disabled, you assholes!!”

  233. I have just finished watching fringe. I was a little sad that I didn’t have a show to follow, but now that I am homeschooling I need things light and easy. Think youtube and magazines versus dramas and novels. But when this show happens I will hurry the kids to bed and watch it when it actually airs I am so excited.

  234. Will they let you adopt a monkey if you love it? Cause that would be awesome…unless you dress your monkey up and take it to Ikea, and it escapes out of your car…then they take it away, at least here in Canada…and I will totally watch your show, and make all my friends watch it too…

  236. Even if nothing comes of it, it’s still pretty awesome. And you sound like my mom with the monkeys. She keeps saying she’s going to volunteer at Chimp Haven and I’m all, “Chimpanzees kill people, mom. I’d rather you didn’t.”

  237. i think congrats are in order. getting a new dishwasher is a big deal. i envy you that.

    also, consider coming to north carolina. we have a lemur center. many are in nice large fenced areas, but there are others that are “free-range.” every once in a while one of them escapes. a few years ago a pair hid out in a school library. earlier this year one of them ran away on his birthday. i kid you not. here is a dramatic re-enactment of his adventures: http://youtu.be/xAbLnOwLH3M

  239. Hey, that is awesome. Congrats on a new fence and a new dishwasher, that definitely ups the quality of life.

    There used to be a monkey sanctuary place in the town where my Grandparents lived and we would go out and feed them when I visited. It was the most amazing place and you learn all about their monkey culture and monkey hierarchies and monkey behaviors. They really are a lot like us– especially when you see them bullying each other and some of them starving while others are fat.

  240. These may not be huge news for you, but they’re pretty damn awesome for us. WOOT! I can’t wait to have Bloggess-related things on my TV. Or, okay, I can wait, but I won’t be happy about it.

    I may go hug a monkey though. That’ll make me feel better.

  241. I get Imposter Syndrome–oh, boy, do I get it. Been there, done that, sold the t-shirt, and wore it out washing it…yep. *sigh* Consider yourself virtually hugged, congratulations on both of your achievements/adventures, and take care of yourself, OK?

  242. 1) Please don’t bring Copernicus with you to the monkey rescue facility. That cannot lead to anything good. On second thought, some very funny stories might come out of it.
    2) Possum chasing. On Christmas day several years ago, my husband tried to shoo a possum into the woods behind our Georgia house. He stood on the back screened-in porch and yelled and waved like a madman, so the possum reluctantly waddled toward the azalea bushes fronting the woods. As my husband triumphantly turned to come inside, the possum scampered back toward the house and zipped under the porch. I’ve never seen a possum move so darn fast. Come to find out, the possum had been living under the porch with his possum family; in the spring we had little possum-lets running around the yard.

  243. Long time lurker, first time commenter stopping by to say, “Congratulations!” And thanks for sharing because I’m really relieved to know that when I sell my movie rights I can still be a weird hermit. This has been weighing heavily on my mind for some time so it’s a great relief.

  245. Good for you for not caving in to capitalism! You have to be careful though, because the networks have taken books/blogs that were supremely awesome a la Dave Barry and Shit My Dad Says and turned them into a steaming pile of dog poo. Having said that, I would love to see Don Cheadle running to the mailbox muttering to himself “I get shit done MOTHERFUCKER!”

  247. Oh baby girl! Just be real careful about the monkey business! The bite and throw poop. A lot. But then, yeah, MONKEYS! Think I would go for Hedgehogs myself, They don’t throw poop (no thumbs) and way cute. I didn’t watch Rags to Riches but now I will on the super secret web place where I watch Shameless and other pirated stuff.

  248. I would totally love to play you. Heck, my grandparents had a farm, so I’ve stuck an arm into a cow and have an obsession with taxidermy (although until I have my own place again, I cannot buy any, but merely trace a finger lovingly along the snout of a wolf while patting the squirrel’s little head.

  249. Congratulations! I’d be pretty excited about the monkeys too. Just put your hair in a bun or something secure, because those little effers like to pull things. Hard. And I would def watch a show based on you, BECAUSE AWESOME.

  250. Nice post. You mention cool things, interesting happenings, then BAM, like any good story teller you end with something that wows. Monkeys!!! Very Nice.

  251. Heck, I’d watch a reality show (and I generally hate them) if was of you working with the monkey rescue. Because monkeys. Seriously, because Monkees as well. I’ve always wanted a monkey, ever since I was a little kid when one escaped from my neighbor’s house and hid in the tree outside of my bedroom window. Also, I secretly wanted to be a member of the Monkees.

  255. 1. the show should be called ‘because monkeys’. is that an option?
    2. if you could, who would you cast to play yourself? (i couldn’t come up with anyone as awesome as you.)
    3. also, this is a BIG FUCKING DEAL. not only did you publish a book (a dream many people have), you are a NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER (another amazing dream) and your book has been OPTIONED FOR A FUCKING TELEVISION SHOW!! this is a huge deal! congrats on all your success up to now – and i know you’ll have more success!

  256. Congratulations! And kudos for holding out until they would let you write about it. The people who wouldn’t let you write about it obviously didn’t know you. And didn’t deserve the opportunity to put your book on TV.

  257. Wow, you are really coming up in the world….you might get to play with monkeys on a regular basis! Congrats and good luck!

  258. I LOVED Rags to Riches. Though I always felt the dynamic between Marva and Nick was strained. But I probably didn’t think it in those words because I was in 5th grade. Still…

  259. Ok, yeah, kind of big news, but I love that you are so down to earth about it all.
    And, let me know if you need a ride to the monkey rescue. I live here too. 🙂

  261. Congratulations! In small world stuff, my husband Nick Guthe was represented by agent Marty Bowen at UTA. And Nick went to Princeton with Wyck Godfrey. Wyck’s wife is an OB who has delivered many of our friend’s babies.

    I totally get it that who knows what will come of it. Nick my hubs has the rights to an incredible best selling book “A Three Dog Life” by Abigail Thomas that was just on the NY best seller list again 5 years after its debut.

    It’s brilliant, as is your book.

    The financing for a movie was just secured, but who knows.

    I use the title of your book in my head like the Serenity Prayer, I’m not kidding.

    Anyway, I’m not just an insane blogger who comments here, but I’m that too. Love ya.

  262. So…I wanted to be really supportive and write something inspirational here like “Way to go, Jenny!”, but I got distracted by the monkey announcement. I just googled monkey rescues for Miami. Sadly, there are none. Probably because Miami hates monkeys, or so I’ve heard.

  267. Jesus fuck, I forgot about the orphans! Hopefully they’re not locked in Joseph Cotton’s dungeon. Is Joseph Cotton still alive? If not, is said dungeon located in the fiery pits of hell or the streets-paved-with-calorie-free-fettuccine-alfredo heaven?
    Also, I’m probably a freak, but I’d rather read the words you write here or in your books than watch a show with someone else’s words about your life. Unless you’re writing the show. In that case, that motherfucker will top the priority list on my dvr.
    Ps, you know I’m watching the shit out of that show any way you slice it.

  268. 1. I’m way cooler than all of you bc I stopped watching Dr. Who before it was retooled and got trendy.

    2. I’m so bitter that I’m not watching the re-tooled Dr. Who bc I assumed it would be lame and was clearly wrong.

    3. You have amazing legs and should wear mini skirts as often as possible.

  270. Having appeared in a major motion picture (for a slow 2-count) and on network television (for 10 seconds) AND in People magazine (it was the Jeffrey Dahmer issue so that’s all anyone noticed) I’m no stranger to being on the screen or in the tabloids. You’re right…it’s not life-changing. That said…

    Even it means not playing opposite Don Cheadle, I’d love to be considered for the role of Victor. I’d be great in that role…very little fazes me and I love you (not in a Victor-y way but whatever).

  271. Big Fucking Flying bear
    OK I couldn’t figure our your email – but in Houston there is a great restaurant called the Bear and The bird and they have a big fucking flying bear. OK it’s a bear skin rug hung in a certain way but please send me an address so I can send pictures

  272. I would never want to be on tv unless it was the show cops… then I want to be the person who jumps outta the car and runs but I’m heavy so I don’t run very fast or long… I just want to call my friends and family over and say watch this move…do you see how I rolled into those bushes…. that was sweet! My crime you ask… well I am the person who broke into the animal testing facility to set all the sweet pets free….anyone want a pet puppy… I’ve got spider monkeys get your spider monkeys… fiftydolla!

  273. Congratulations about the TV show and the monkeys. I’d volunteer with monkey if given the chance. I just love their little hands.

  275. Wait…
    I’m not trying to call you out on anything but…
    This is weird…either I am dreaming, or this is a re-post of something you posted a few weeks ago. I could swear I’ve read that you had turned down tv proposals because of the inability to write about it in your blog…
    Shit like this happens to me all the time…I’ll have a weird dream, and a few days later it will come true. When I was 12 I had a dream that my grandfather died, and two days later my mom got a call that her father had died. Freaked me out to no end. Many more things like this have happened to me over the years. Please tell me I’m not dreaming and I really did read a very similar blog just a few short weeks ago…? Please Jenny? I will loose my mind, it will keep me awake at night…Seriously….

    But I do really want to say “GO YOU!” congrats, Jenny! I will be watching, and I will tell everyone I know to watch, too! Keeping all my appendages crossed!

    (You’re not dreaming. It was the Q&A thing I did a month or two ago. Someone asked me why I wasn’t on TV. ~ Jenny)

  279. Favorite part of this whole post (besides the awesomeness of such a major success)? The fact that you spelled glamorous “glamourous” to emphasize the glamor.

    Also, my blog got kinda popular with one hugely viral post last year and within the next six months I was on: Nightline, Ricki Lake (NOT JOKING) and… you guessed it… an episode of a reality TV show on Vh1. What I think this clearly demonstrates is that you, Jenny Lawson, have more ethics than a devout Mormon.

    Good work.

  280. If they actually take this past the pilot stage to an actual, real, happens-every-week sitcom, I might start watching ABC comedies again.

    (Which, honestly, I don’t think has happened since “Ellen” went off the air; and that’s largely because Scrubs aired on NBC for most of its run. As it is, I only watch two ABC shows that I can think of off the top of my head… and I LOVE Disney, so that’s not the reason… I drank a little too much wine tonight, does it show?)

  281. I just hope the next google search to find the terms that direct people to you doesn’t include monkey sex and monkey herpes…..

    Save the Chimps!!

  282. Finally! A TV show I can devour. Almost literally.

    And someone who shares my love of monkeys. I always knew I adored you for a great reason.

  283. I don’t have Twitter because I’m a Luddite at heart. So, I join the forum here in shouting “Congratulations!”

  286. This is huge news!!! Congratulations on your amazing news. 🙂 I can’t wait to see this show! I don’t watch a lot of TV but, I would sit down to watch this one kind of religiously… Kind of like I do with How I Met Your Mother only, on a weekly basis instead of waiting for Netflix. Also, good luck with the monkeys. 😀 BECAUSE MONKEYS (but don’t forget the Unicorns!)

  288. Wow! I don’t really watch a lot of TV these days, except for Dr. Who. But I would definitely want to check out a show based on you when and if it comes into being. Even more so if they could manage to have a Dr. Who crossover episode.

    (Also I have a friend who works with monkeys. She is a veterinarian in a research lab in DC. I’m not sure what all she does with the monkeys, but I know she’s mentioned doing lots of monkey vasectomies. Not that this is particularly on topic.)

  289. Brak reminded me years ago to “never trust a monkey.”

    Congratulations on the option 🙂 and hope it becomes a fun reality. I will second the Anjelah Johnson mention. She usually appears (as Taco Cabana gal) during Jeopardy!, which is the only network show I currently watch.

    I hear you on Hope. I used to piss off a lot of folks at a political blog, from which I was expelled (is that even still a thing?) for not being a mindless cheerleader, by reminding them that (in the original version of the story) Hope was the last worst Evil in Pandora’s Vessel…

  290. Yay!! So excited for you!! Don’t sell yourself short sunshine, you are very talented and the world will be a better place once they are exposed to your awesomeness. But where are we going to find a place large enough to have Unicorn Success Club meetings? Roll call will be a nightmare, and we will probably have to double up on meds…

  292. Monkeys are the SHIT, Jenny – go with the primates and let the TV crap unfold as it will…

  293. When I was about 3, I was walking down the stairs to the car at the Motel 6 we were staying at and a monkey that had escaped from the zoo jumped on my back and bit me.

    true story.

    Surprisingly, I am not afraid of monkeys….

  294. How long before we see a “BECAUSE MONKEYS!” t-shirt? We could send one to Justin Halpern…cause his TV show certainly didn’t do much for his career…just sayin’…

  295. Congrats on the TV proposal; your reaction to “sexy” made me choke on my tongue.

    Please be careful around the monkeys. Like bears, they are safer as ideas (or stuffed ((toys)).

  296. I once read a book titled “The Scarlet Letter”. You probably had to read it in high school too. Really good book. Fantastic usage of dark and light imagery. Then I saw a movie titled “The Scarlet Letter”. Demi Moore, 1995, not one of the better decisions she’s made, quite frankly. I think the key phrase was “loosely adapted from” or some nonsense like that. Um, I think the characters had the same names in the book as in the movie, and that’s about it, y’all. I hope they don’t pull that crap on your book, because your book was completely awesome.

  297. Monkeys?! That’s fucking awesome.

    And I’m going to have an enormous amount of fun with the who-plays-who-on-the-tv-show game with my other geeky and fantastic bloggess-loving friends. So, thank you.

    And I would really love to hear more about the monkeys.

    -tjp

  300. Jenny what do you mean this isn’t a big deal!? This is great! Congratulations — even if you don’t care about being on TV, we know that there are people who would benefit from your whimsy who don’t have computers. My mother for one would do well to get the “depression lies!” message. She oh so obviously has a seasonal depression, compounded by anniversaries of family deaths — but she’s from a generation where people didnt talk about things like that, let alone get help.

    I for one am hoping they let you script in a dream sequence or three so they can *HIRE* Nathan Fillion to hold twine!

  301. Jenny what do you mean this isn’t a big deal!? This is great! Congratulations — even if you don’t care about being on TV, we know that there are people who would benefit from your whimsy who don’t have computers. My mother for one would do well to get the “depression lies!” message. She oh so obviously has a seasonal depression, compounded by anniversaries of family deaths — but she’s from a generation where people didnt talk about things like that, let alone get help.

    I for one am hoping they let you script in a dream sequence or three so they can *HIRE* Nathan Fillion to hold twine! (He can stand there saying “No! I won’t hold twine!” It’ll be very existential.)

    (Apologies if I submitted twice…my PC just glitched.)

  302. You can’t blame the big network for thinking your book was “sexy”. I still think about your post when you are wearing the red dress. Jenny you are smokin. Please put more photos in your next book. How about a Jenny Lawson photo book I could display on my cofee table?

  304. If you can lure Toni Collette away from Hostages, she would play a great You! Loved her in United States of Tara–shame that show was cancelled. Cheering you on for TV and monkeys, which could be separate or go hand-in-hand.

  307. Congratulations…sorta.

    I felt much the same way when my books were optioned–I actually don’t really care whether they hit the screen or not, but it’s nice to know that people still think about them from time to time. And yeah. You don’t get rich off these deals, unless you’re John Grisham or J.K. Rowling. The rest of us get complimentary dishwashers and the right to speak in an offhand manner about “my producer.”

    ^K.

  308. My life is so boring, it wouldn’t get a show on the Cure for Insomnia network.

    Congratulations even if it’s not that exciting. Because, to some of us, it IS.

  309. It’s still pretty darn cool. And a new dishwasher is very sexy! I know it made me growl seductively just thinking about glasses with no grainy crud baked inside.

    Rowr!

  310. Also, I think the only one that could do your book justice is Wes Anderson. And isn’t he a Texan? Who should play Victor, Luke or Owen Wilson?

  311. I would totally watch that show! It’d be better on premium channels…just sayin’. (Also in love with Don Cheadle, so if you COULD convince him to play you, that would be awesome!) 😛

    Also, thanks for the “because wine” catchphrase. I’m working it here in the midwest, and it’s amazing how versatile it really is. 😀

  312. “Because Monkeys”?!? I think I just choked on a cookie, right there. I need to remember to *not* eat or drink while reading your blog. Damn, girl.

    But the other thing is really cool, too. And it totally doesn’t change life sometimes. I *got* to work on a show with a celebrity who *may* or *may not* have been *cough* Gordon Ramsey *cough*, but I probably STILL can’t talk about it, and it changed NOTHING, not one freaking thing, about my life. Including not a penny of income. But he made like $38 million last year, so I suppose that’s something (for him anyway).

  313. This is fantastic news. I fully respect your decision not to sign anything until you had nothing to object to, which is awesome. Also you should tell your imposter syndrome to imposter off, seriously you deserve this.

    I have also decided that for my next writing project (for NaNoWriMo) that I will write one of the main characters as Elijah Wood, because I’ve been watching Wilfred and he’s awesome in that and then when my book is made into a film I can ‘force’ Elijah Wood to be in it because I wrote it for him.

    I don’t care if this logic is flawed, nobody tell me!

  314. If there’s a monkey rescue, surely somewhere there’s a sloth rescue that needs you.

    Also, I’d really like to be on your show if it ever comes out. I’d totally even play someone working at a shop where you buy a fantastic bear head or something. Just a thought.

  316. Congrats. But I really don’t understand why you need to replace the dishwasher in your back yard….

  318. Re: PPS…
    It was pointed out to me a few years ago that you cannot go through a day without thinking about, seeing something about or hearing about monkeys. Every. Single. Day. So far, today, your post proves the point. My “monkey” for the day. Thank you.

    P.S.
    Congrat’s on the possible tv show!

  319. So timely because I finally read your book over the weekend! (Don’t hate, I do have a sorta life outside the internet.) Congrats! So exciting.

    Hmmm, I wonder who will play me?

  321. Don Cheadle loss = Jenny’s gain.

    I can’t wait to see the bathroom scene. Oh, which one? I think we all know which one I’m talking about.

    Congrats!

  322. Am I the only one who couldn’t understand a word of that announcement link? And I totally agree working with monkeys would be way cooler.

  324. If they do it right, I could see it being one of the most hilarious shows on TV in a while.
    So glad you didn’t go with the people calling it “sexy”…. they totally missed the point.

  327. I thought I was the only
    one in the while world who remembered
    the show “Rags to Riches”. I have never
    met another adult who had heard of it
    and I was beginning to think I had dreamed
    the whole thing up after watching “Annie”
    one too many times. Thank you!

  328. You must check it out: http://www.monkeyhelpers.org. Because I too have a thing for monkeys, and like you, I have trouble remembering my meds. I also hate housework and laundry and would love to have someone bring me a cocktail after dinner. I admit, my original search was for “monkey butler” but that’s not very pc. This site is FABULOUS (despite the fact that I in no way qualify for the program, but I’ve made my family promise that if I ever become seriously disabled, to get me an application). I only wish they wore shriner hats! http://www.monkeyhelpers.org

  331. I used to work in the library where Don Cheadle’s mother is a patron. He looks EXACTLY like his mother. Every time she came in, I used to pretend that it WAS Don Cheadle. In a little white wig.

  332. holy crap! so I guess i’ll give you mediocre emotional level congrats until you tell us to be yelling in sheer happiness for you. but still, that is pretty damn cool jenny. and oh yeah… LET ME KNOW IF THE MONKEY VOLUNTEERING THING IS REAL BECAUSE I NEED TO GO TO THERE. LIKE NOW. IT POSSIBLE I WILL FIGHT YOU FOR THAT POSITION. NOTHING SAY “I WILL OWN YOU” LIKE A GOOD OLD FASHION 1ST GRADE SLAP FIGHT TO THE DEATH. I will not be able to work all damn day wondering if volunteering with monkeys is even an actual secondary career choice!

  333. HA! You’ll like this. A group of us were in New Orleans for a weekend, we were out partiying, really drunk. We walk into a new bar to order more drinks and a friend of my looks to his right and sees Don Cheadle. Being as drunk as he was, he tapped Mr. Chealde on the shoulder and said “I loved you in Speed!” Mr. Cheadle have a questioning look and just turned around..HAHAHA It was soooo funnny. Now Don Cheadle is the butt of more of our jokes 🙂

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading