Build-a-Bear probably doesn’t like me, but in fairness, they’re kind of asking for it.

in Random Crap

Confusing things I found, part 876:

Assless chaps for teddy bears ~ Build-a-bear Factory, San Antonio.

PS.  Victor just pointed out that they were technically also groinless chaps, and then I sorted thinking that maybe they were just regular chaps.  Not as funny though.  THANKS FOR MAKING ME QUESTION EVERYTHING, VICTOR.  You’re ruining assless chaps for everyone.

PS.  I’m still in Australia, but I have these posts scheduled to publish while I’m gone because I CARE ABOUT YOU.  I’m tweeting pictures when I have wifi but tomorrow we go to the Outback and I probably won’t survive.

160 thoughts on “Build-a-Bear probably doesn’t like me, but in fairness, they’re kind of asking for it.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I think teddy bears should refrain from wearing anything deemed assless….kinda makes one wonder what’s wrong with the world…

  9. off topic, but last night’s ‘Supernatural’ had your dressed taxidermy animals on it. I almost expected to see you in a cameo role.

  10. not to split hairs here but, and correct me if i am wrong, i think ALL chaps are assless. if they had an ass, they would be pants. fancy pants with buckles and fringe. just sayin’.

  14. Perhaps those were unmarked,, licensed “Ted” chaps?
    Victor knows just which buttons to push on your control panel, doesn’t he?

    On an unrelated note, December 23 is fast approaching and with it…. (drum roll, please, internet)… THE DAY OF THE DOCTOR!!
    The 50th anniversary show should be crazier than your cats on a mixture of cocaine, Red Bull and my grandmother’s nuclear chili. (We called it that because she got the recipe from a relative that lived near Three Mile Island. Long story.)
    I don’t know about you, Jenny, but I’m as nervous as a virgin at a prison rodeo. I can’t wait.
    Be well, gab at you again soon.

  15. No, no, “assless” is important. It distinguishes between 1) freaky buttock-and-crotch-less trousers and 2) slightly posh blokes, probably with buttocks and crotches. (One would hope so.) Plus, it rightly emphasizes the sheer unmitigated asslessness of the whole endeavour.

  17. Yes, all chaps are assless. The reason the term “assless chaps” entered the lexicon is because people started wearing them without pants, particularly with a jockstrap or g-string type garment. Thus there asslessness became relevant rather than just a by product of their design. And I typed all that before checking wikipedia which agrees with me. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaps#Non-equestrian_chaps

  19. Aren’t you in Australia right now? You need to research if in Australia they have “Build-a-Bear” or “Build-a-Koala-Bear” because that would be way more Aus-ome. (Australia + Awesome = Aus-ome. Lame, I know).

  20. I, for one, am grateful for this development.

    I once worked at Build-A-Bear, and I helped a nice gentleman construct a “Bear” Bear for his boyfriend. It involved cutting the butt and groin out of the “leather” pants we had at the time for our Bears. As I recall he then added a tank top and a leather jacket and boots. And a bandana for the head and one for the pocket of course.

    I’m not sure what corporate would have said, but Bear Builders are usually pretty amenable to getting creative with the Bear-ccessories and creating the best darn Bear you could ask for! And most of us knew how to sew (for when we have to put bears back together) and have needle and thread handy for customizations.

    Best and happiest summer job I’ve ever had!

    Further proof our Bear Builder senses of humor here: http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/18rp5r/i_am_a_buildabear_employeeama/

  22. I wasn’t aware, Build-a-bear came in Male Stripper. Santa…..

    I have no need for my Jason Russell aka “Kony” naked Build-a-Bear, so this will be a good change.

  24. Well, Teddy bears don’t usually even wear pants so the little guys have been running around like sexy beasts for a while.

  28. I’m with those that think that chaps typically do not have asses. Or groins. And I can’t believe I’m typing this.

  32. HA! ASSLESS CHAPS! OMG too funny! Does it make you wonder how many people unthaw things from their freezer? Do they actually have to do anything if it’s been in the freezer long enough to be frozen? Wouldn’t unthaw be the opposite of thaw, aka freeze?? The hangers are cute aren’t they? I am so happy that I dodged the whole build a bear bullet! Don’t worry tho, I have a steamer trunk of beanie babies…

    I keep trying to read your book, but then I get scaird it will be over. Talk about a conundrum!

  33. Before I read the text I thought the chaps in the picture were for a baby. From the size it would probably fit a newborn, no older than a couple weeks. I thought “What crazy person would put something made from stiff leather on a newborn?” So, I was relieved to read that it is just for teddies. They can wear whaever they want. They don’t have knees.

  34. They are regular chaps (we actually had a similar discussion at my house the other day, how all chaps are assless, so if you’re not wearing pants, your ass is hanging out. And your groin. Though we didn’t talk about the groin part.)

  36. Thanks for the image of thousands of bears running wild in the forest WITH NO ASSES. No wonder they need assless chaps. That’s not even a sex thing anymore; it’s survival wear.

  37. Please stop with the “assless chaps.” As a horse person with more than one pair of chaps this is one of my serious pet peeves…. ALL CHAPS ARE ASSLESS!!!!

    This is akin to spelling “a lot” without a space or using “you, you’re and your” incorrectly. For pity sake. If they weren’t assless they would not be chaps. They’d be pants (I don’t even want to think about chaps with an ass and no crotch. I think that would cause a tear in the space time continuum and cause a black hole right at the crotch).

    Please stop.

  39. I think that must be a Texas thing. Actually, I blame a lot of weird things on Texas. It’s okay though–I blame us Californians for even more weird shit.

  40. I just have to correct you on this as it is one of my pet peeves. ‘Assless Chaps’ is redundant, as chaps with the asses in them are simply called pants.

  45. Whoever said the Day of the Doctor is December 23rd should be ashamed of him/herself. ASHAMED!

  52. Normally chaps are worn over jeans so they’re respectable on people but bears don’t wear pants so that’s an entirely different story – a vaguely pornographic one, really………

  55. Wow. Lots of grammar nazis on here. Irregardless, I’m gonna don my inflammable assless chaps and affect you’re website. And now that I’ve poke the bull…

    You just gave me a great idea! I can make an entire set of “Village People” Build-a-Bears! They already have police, indian, and construction worker outfits. And now this! Wouldn’t that look snazzy under my Christmas tree?

  57. Side note: Build-a-Bear clothing fit small to medium size cats VERY well. My daughters spent many rainy days and tons of pounce treats dressing our cats in bridal gowns and tinkerbelle outfits.
    Now that they have the whole S&M thing going, we may just pose the cats for some Valentine’s cards.

  59. The thing that makes all of this observation totally absurd is the expression on the face of the teddy bear hanger. He doesn’t seem to be into the assless chaps trend, not one bit.

  61. And yet they closed the build a bear in NOLA…aka the Sin City of the Southeast.
    Huh….

  62. I consider it my duty to point out that tbe BaB wardrobe fits cats, and one of my cats has a favourite hoodie and shirt from there. It’s actually my daughter’s cat, but Katie still loves it..

  63. Assless chaps are perfectly appropriate for “Bears”.

    BTW, agree with previous posters that all chaps are technically assless. Most of the time, though, you wear pants UNDER your chaps. When you don’t wear them with pants……. Then they are truly assless, ala Mad Max. I’ve got a pair for motorcycle riding. They’re great for preventing road rash while still allowing full flexibility through the hips. The downside is that I had to buy off the men’s rack because women’s motorcycle gear industry hasn’t figured out that we aren’t all girly-girls. Plain black leather, thanks. Anyway, because of that, I had to buy a considerably larger size than I usually do in order to have it fit through the hips and thighs. So whenever I pull them out, I get a little depressed at the size. That I had to punch an extra hole in the belt is irrelevant. I finally took a sharpie to the label.

  65. ALL CHAPS ARE ASSLESS!!! Calling them assless chaps is like saying I’m wearing footless pants. Or a sleeveless tank top!!!

  66. Saw an episode of Dr. Who for the first time this weekend. I need more! Will be glued to Netflix indefinitely.

  69. By the look on the bear’s face, he’s totally going for it, and wearing those without anything under them. He’s a cheeky guy. 😉

  71. It’s a good thing half chaps are waaay more comfortable than regular chaps. Wouldn’t want to be caught dead in half-assed chaps, though. And another pet peeve–it’s chaps with a hard “ch”, not “sh”, as they say in the “western” world of riding. “Shaps” is just silly.

  72. They always have pink satin and lace panties there. It feels odd that teddy bears have nicer underwear than I do. Like I don’t have enough complexes already, adding that to the list feels unneccessary.

  73. As a former Horse Show person- Yes, sadly all chaps are Assless. But I understand the urge to say that. Especially when you see them on a Guy, in the tiniest jean shorts known to man. Then actually they should be called ASSFUL Chaps, because well…. you get the picture…
    I can drool over the gay guys if I want to. That way I don’t have to worry about them turning around and asking me for a date. 🙂

  78. I have to disagree; I would propose that wearing chaps without jeans underneath is definitely assless chaps. They are only ‘just chaps’ if the cowboy is being boring and pairing them with jeans, the ‘assless’ signifies ‘jeanless’. Also…assless chaps are more fun to say, to wear and to watch! 😎

  79. They’re still in business?? Just like everything else, went from a G rating to an R rating…..gotta move merchandise people!!

  82. I still have trouble with the concept of dressing up a bear in the first place……………..

  83. Maybe one of the numerous Chaps Specialists here could make a video for the rest of us demonstrating the essential asslessness of chaps. I would find that very helpful, not having much experience with chaps, assless or otherwise, myself, and it just might sway NixieKin’s opinion, too, who appears to disagree. Not only is this exactly what youtube needs, it would confirm, once and for all, that assless chaps is a redundant term and would probably save the economy.

  87. My husband saw this he asked if the outfit comes with a gimp mask. I will be keeping our daughter’s Build-A-Bears away from him now.

  91. Good God, I love it.

    All these years, never does a skirmish break out in the comments here until the topic of *assless chaps* comes up — and then it’s HOT TOPIC IN THE CROSSFIRE!

  92. I think you’ll survive the outback. Maybe a build a kangaroo with some ass and pocket chaps will keep you cozy.

  93. Of course bears wear assless chaps. Does a bear shit in the woods? Yes, and assless chaps make it easier and quicker!

  94. I meant assless and pocketless chaps but now I’m saying ass chaps over and over and it’s really making me laugh.

  97. I have chaps, real ones. They don’t cover the ass, or the groin. They’re more like a belt with leg warmers attached. Bikers wear them to help stay warm on chilly rides. Yea, I bought and wore them when there was a Harley in my garage and a biker in my bed. But really, a Build-A-Bear toy would only need them if they were a poser . . .

  98. Easy access for both kinds of ass play. Very nice Build-A-Bear. I, for one, am proud of you for supporting diversity.

  99. I’m pretty sure that most animals need those types of chaps so they can do their business… since theyre not necessarily potty trained. But they know how to rock chaps.

    Also… Stay away from Koalas and Kangaroos. They’re cute… but deadly. Kinda like my children.

  100. When I was twelve my mom let me get a build-a-bear while on vacation even though she thought I was a little old.
    After picking out my cow (Mary Moo, I still have her over a decade later) I picked out her sweater, skirt and shoes. I went to check out and the woman got a very solemn look on her face and leaned in an said “oh, honey… Um… Unless you want a ‘sassy’ cow, you ought to go get her some pink panties.” She was completely serious.
    After that experience I can’t help thinking maybe I was too YOUNG for build-a-bear.

  101. Also… if all chaps are basically assless… and you wear chaps over your pants… then aren’t the PANTS technically assless? I’m not really one for dressing up… so I have no clue.

  102. So chaps are supposed to be assless? Is that what you all are saying? I may have blacked out after the 45th comment.

  103. P.S. Mary Moo now where’s a Batman suit permanently. No panties required (but she still has them on just in case she’s in an accident.)

  104. I think the look on the face of the bear on the hanger is priceless. Kind of a cross between shame and confusion.

  106. Now my boyfriend suddenly wants to me to build him a bear with assless chaps. And a leather vest… guess I know what he’s getting for Christmas!

  107. }}} chaps are already assless; therefore to say assless chaps is very redundant…

    Umm, to rip off the movie “Roxanne”:

    “I’ve known a number of chaps who had their asses above their shoulders.”

  108. }}} Now my boyfriend suddenly wants to me to build him a bear with assless chaps. And a leather vest… guess I know what he’s getting for Christmas!

    A chocolate Easter Bunny? 😀

  109. Last comment from me (Sorry)

    It is a bit of a conundrum… I really don’t want to see an Assless “chap” in assless chaps. That kind of defeats the purpose.

  110. Holy hell, there is a lot of chaps-policing in here. Saying assless chaps is NOT like your/you’re, because your/you’re isn’t funny. Assless chaps is. That’s why the phrase caught on.

    Assless chaps, assless chaps, assless chaps.

  111. Assless AND groinless, for easy access, don’t you know… 😉

    (Sorry, Jenny, but when that popped into my head I just HAD to share it with you…you understand how that works, right?)

  116. I love them!!!!! My dog has a mohawk that I change the colors on. And a spiked collar. Perhaps she needs these. I was also wondering the other day if they had fishnet stockings for dogs. Maybe I should look at BAB?

  117. Ass Chaps. Ass Chaps. Asschapsasschapsasschaps. With all due respect for those who ride horses and/or Harlrys, it’s definitely more fun to say assless chaps than just chaps.

  120. I was confused about this, thinking “aren’t chaps inherently ass-less?” Then the community here helped set me straight. I’ll sleep well tonight, knowing all chaps are indeed, ass-less and groin-less.

    Until I have nightmares about teddys wearing said chaps and coming for me. Eek.

  121. all chaps are ass-less and groin-less They are a pair of legs on a belt

  124. I’m so stoked you’re in Australia right now – for the record, we pronounce it, “Austraya”.
    Hope you’re enjoying it and terrorising the locals too haha.

  125. I have lived in Australia all my life and still haven’t been to the ‘outback’. Sad but true. The Great Barrier Reef is much more fun 🙂

  126. Are you going to be doing any book signings or appearances in Australia? I am not there at the moment, but as a proud Aussie and a Jenny Lawson fan, I have many friends there who have been infected by The Bloggess virus and would love to meet you if that’s at all possible! I hope that all of our dangerous animals and plants aren’t attacking you in some kind of hideous ecosystem gang warfare, though I wouldn’t put it past them. You know our grass can attack you, too? They’re called bindies. They are VICIOUS.

  129. I can see it now…a chorus line of teddy bears…all dressed in little outfits…one looks like a police officer…another like a construction worker…all started to sing the opening line “Young man…”

    It would be an internet hit…right up there with “Badger, badger, mongoose…” or “Oogachucka”.

  130. Do they also have a dominatrix outfit for a bear? What does it say about me when that’s my first thought after seeing the chaps pic? 😉

  131. I think Chapless Groins is a slightly better band name…and we are all a little twisted here. 🙂

  132. Technically if they aren’t assless they cease to be chaps and start being just pants.

  134. Wow..there are a lot of wadded up panties over the assless chaps thing. I have a question…how about assless chapstick? Now..before you go saying ALL chapstick is assless, do you know that for SURE? Do you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no one rubbed your chapstick on their ass? I think we can all agree that assless chapstick is a good thing.

  136. You will most defiantly die in the outback!!! It’s literally the worst place I have ever been! Don’t do it!!!

  137. Not to be a PITA but…ALL chaps are assless (this is a word spell check!) or they would be leather pants.

    There are different styles of chaps but none of them come in a full ass coverage version.

    I am not sure if leather pants come in an assless or crotchless version though. Leatherpants are not an area I have ever dealt in 🙂

  139. Yeah- all chaps are assless- that’s the point. Otherwise they’d be leather trousers.

  140. I can’t believe there are this many comments and yet no one has pointed out that by nature, chaps are assless. And by chaps I mean the article of clothing, not gentlemen, although I’ve known some of them to be lacking a backside as well.

  146. While you’re there, and you’re wearing your g-string body suit, don’t fill your canteen at the edge of a watering hole.

    Trust me.

  147. maybe it is not so much assless as it is tail enabling. I say this because we have a (build a bear)dinosaur that would never fit in a regular pair of latex pants, not because I want to encourage assless pants wearers to refer to their junk as their ‘tail’ . They probalby do that enough as it is….

  148. Maybe it’s the flu talking , but it seems deep to me….
    since all chaps are assless, if you wear them in the winter without pants, you’d get a chapped a**.

    Get your flu shot if you haven’t, this year’s edition is a doozy.

  149. Have you seen the Steve Martin movie “Parenthood”? There’s a shot of a toddler wearing assless chaps and a cowboy hat. I tried to Google it for you, but I couldn’t find a photo. Glad to hear you’re having a good time in Australia. Will be happy also when you’re safely back home.

  150. Actually chaps are, by definition, “Sturdy coverings for the legs consisting of leggings and a belt.” Which means they don’t have an ass or a crotch. Which makes the term “ass-less chaps” completely meaningless. As an equestrian and a nerd that terminology has always irked me.

    P.S. Beware the dingos!

  151. My my my… it sounds like a bear getting ready to have quite an adventure. Or maybe just getting dressed up to go to a beargy (loosely defined as a bear-orgy). I admit, a wild beargy would be too terrifying for most people to talk about. That is why we have to invent new language for it.

    A typo: “then I *sorted* thinking”?) I actually kind of like the idea of thought sorting. It would certainly make my life easier.

  153. All chaps are assless and groinless. Because cowboys enjoy humping horses. And bikers in bars.

    Or something like that.

    Plus, perhaps Build-a-Bear is just catering to the gay Bear community. It’s a public service, really, and a sign of equality in our time.

    Or they are trying to see what they can get away with. My question is this – What parent is purchasing said assless/groinless chaps for little Suzy’s stuffed rabbit anyway?

  157. Enjoy Australia!! You going is as close as I will ever get. Live it up…ride in a kangaroo pouch and call everything Aussie.

  158. you know, all chaps are technically assless? it’s up to the wearer to include pants underneath them or not.

    Thank you. I’ve needed to get that out for a while 🙂

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