Confusing things I’ve taken pictures of, part 976:
“Hand impregnation” sounds cold and baffling enough, even before you add shoes to the equation.
Victor says it’s actually some sort of pudding that keeps shoes waterproof, but I’m pretty sure that I’d rather just wear flip flops than have to impregnate my shoes by hand. It’s a personal choice. No judgement.
I like the random comma in “Impregnite, Shoe”.
Seems legit.
My husband often suspects my shoes have been humping and multiplying by the front door.
I had a hand impregnation. Best thing I ever did. LOL!
Please note the warning….Do not hand impregnate in front of a roaring romantic fire! I am impressed by your sensible footwear choices Jenny. 😀
I would have had to buy some just to open it and see what it was.
I have never used pudding to keep my shoes dry. I must be doing it wrong.
ain’t nobody gettin’ my shoes pregnant but me!
i didn’t know that impregnation was flammable. yikes!
Im fairly confident that they call flip flops thongs over there. So…not much better than knocked up shoes
I wonder if I would finally get pregnant if I rubbed it on my belly?
Or would I just birth a shoe?
I thought you were an “old hand” at manual impregnation.
And if your shoes get near a flame, then you’re in trouble?
The visual I get from the phrase “hand impregnation” makes me cringe. And cross my legs.
Man, the whole thing makes me uncomfortable!
If only they made this for socks….
If you eat the pudding do your shoes multiply? I might be okay with that.
Apparently it makes your shoes waterproof AND flammable. Which some might consider a design flaw. Unless you want your shoes to burn in the rain. And really, who wouldn’t want that?
It must be really flammable if they had to put the warning on the FRONT of the can!
That just seems so wrong……
Question: how many months do you have to wait for the “big day” after you’ve hand-impregnated your shoes? I’ve never had pregnant shoes before
That’s kind of beautiful. 😀
Plus it’s flammable…who wants something flammable on their feet?
The really rough bit about hand impregnation is when your hand’s water breaks.
And when they said, “you have no gf enjoy your hand,” I thought they were only kidding…
If you impregnate your shoes then you are stuck with them for life – no matter how annoying and uncomfortable they make everything. It’s just not worth it.
Is this in a museum? I love weird bits of history like this. They show us that people lived differently in the past, and things we consider weird they considered normal.
He said, as if “shoe pudding” cleared up everything.
But would you want your shoes waterproofed if they burst into flame every time you walked past a heater vent?? Somehow that just seems counter-productive…don’t it???
Usually I just have sex with my shoe…
Anyone else dying to know about the OTHER 100 confusing things she’s taken pictures of? I feel like I’m missing out.
I swear I had a can of this during the 60’s, when I used to order all kinds of odd military surplus garm. (Hint: a Browning Automatic Rifle ammunition belt nicely holds a six-pack). Smelled weird. Don’t remember if anyone actually ever rubbed it on their boots.
That’s not a random comma, by the way — the Army labels things as though Yoda was their head quartermaster. “Shirt, Men’s, Field”. Top down, their terms are.
I’m more put off by the high cost of shoe impregnating than anything else…does that tag say $20?
Not just hand impregnation, but flammable impregnation to boot.
Shoe impregnation certainly explains the mess in the bottom of my closet! Do we have proof of hangers doing this too?
Not to put a damper on the fun but it’s probably just shoe polish.
That comma would seem to imply that “impregnite, shoe” isn’t the only variety of “impregnite”. I’m not going to think about what other everyday objects have gone in for the treatment.
And I think Victor is right about the waterproofing, because there is nothing like flaming shoes to keep the water off.
My shoes always look pregnant after I eat too much salt. Well, it’s my swollen feet, technically. The shoes are like the too-tight pants. For my feet. My feet pants… Yeah.
Actually it’s to protect your shoes (and feet) from chemical warfare. Specifically, from vesicants (chemicals that raise blisters, e.g. mustard gas). Check out the military specs for the stuff: http://www.dtic.mil/dtic/tr/fulltext/u2/a544845.pdf
Chicken.
Is that where baby shoes come from?
Ohhhh. I was trying to impregnite my shoes the old fashioned way. This will be ever so much easier.
im·preg·nate
[v. im-preg-neyt, im-preg-neyt; adj. im-preg-nit, -neyt] Show IPA verb, im·preg·nat·ed, im·preg·nat·ing, adjective verb (used with object)
1.to make pregnant; get with child or young.
2.to fertilize.
3.to cause to be infused or permeated throughout, as with a substance; saturate: to impregnate a handkerchief with cheap perfume.
Outstanding. I’m going to need to get my shoes some birth control.
I had no idea that I could have been a shoe breeder. Who doesn’t want free adorable little baby shoes? …Or maybe I could invest in a pair of designer shoes, and then sell their offspring on E-bay.
This has become a little dark.
My shoes are sluts and probably have a giant mutant herpie. No way would I stick it in there; I don’t care how warm and juicy their openings.
I’d like to see the Product catalogue from the manufacturer—I’m picturing this:
Impregnite, Handkerchief
Impregnite, Koala
Impregnite, Shoe
Impregnite, Woman
Impregnite, Wombat
On second glance, I’m enjoying the worry that having impregnated my shoes with something highly flammable, they will then be waterproof, so if I *DO* stand too close to a fire, HOW WILL I EVER PUT THEM OUT?
Hand impregnation removes the middle man – the turkey baster.
I just don’t think Victor understands things sometimes.
So, have you set fire to a can of Impregnite, Shoe yet? To see what happens? You know, for science?
I’m quite baffled that no one seems to know about impregnating shoes. I haven’t seen it in this form, it’s usually a spray, but the idea of impregnating (waterproofing) shoes isn’t uncommon.
Then again, your way is more fun. Carry on.
That can is totally overpriced. You can get that stuff on eBay for like 5 bucks. You never know when you’re going to be faced with liquid vesicants after all.
Never trust a husband. Never, ever.
Completely off topic, but this happened this morning… and well, it made me think of you.
I was reading your mostly true memoir (I’m sorry it took so long, but I live in the middle of the cornfield, which is similar to living under a rock, only more windy) and I came to your overdosing on Ex-lax story.
And then I HAD to poop.
Which got me thinking. Does reading about pooping always make you have to poop? Because if so, you and I may have stumbled onto the cure for a lot of really grumpy people.
To bring things back on topic, I bet ingesting some of that Impregnite Shoe would make you have to poop since it’s probably petroleum based (and thus flammable), or maybe it would have the reverse effect since it’s talking about impregnating and I seem to remember reading that pregnant ladies get constipated a lot.
I’ve heard of being pregnant with ideas, but I don’t want my shoes – or my feet – pregnant. Guess my kink runs in a different direction.
I’d be leery. The cans look like the kind sterno comes in. I wouldn’t want my shoes to ignite during or after impregnation.
Also, could this picture be classified as #shoeporn? Just wondering…no judgements here either.
Waterproof and highly flammable sound like an interesting combination.
This is probably a miracle for shoes with fertility issues.
Flip flops probably work in Texas. In Wisconsin in January, not so much.
Nothing is worse than an impregnated shoe. They get all bloated and bitchy. It is a nightmare.
My dogs impregnate my shoes for free – or try to, at least.
That would be a lot cheaper than shoe shopping. Do they sell that here?
I agree with Sarah – it’s probably shoe polish.
But shoe polish that makes more shoes.
It’s going to make that facts-of-life talk with my kids a lot harder.
If it’s flammable and it’s in a tin, then it’s Sterno.
That’s it my putting all my shoes on birth control.
Clearly we can blame “Impregnite, Shoe” for the necessity of shoe condoms.
http://www.pinterest.com/deborahstiletto/shoe-condoms/
Wait, a pudding to keep your shoes dry? Who puts pudding on your shoes? And how does pudding lead to “shoe impregnation”? Somehow I missed that “birds and the bees” lesson. (“When a mommy shoe and a daddy shoe like each other very much…”)
All my shoes are child-free by choice.
This is exactly the reason why I wear clogs.
This is what happens when you don’t wear socks with your loafers, kids.
I saw a picture of a woman in a red dress today and thought about you and your photo shoot in the park.
You have an awesome blog and I’ve bought your book.
I thought you might enjoy reading this about the possibility of tardis travel:
http://www.fromquarkstoquasars.com/is-tardis-travel-possible-according-to-science-yes-maybe/
If you wear socks, will it act like a condom?
You made me hand impregnate my nose while snorting.
Every time I look through my photos on my phone I find myself wondering what the heck I was thinking.
Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, Jenny….
Perhaps it’s a Time Lord thing?
This is making me laugh.
Can you imagine the conversation, when they were deciding what to NAME their new product?
“I know! Let’s call it something really catchy. Something that will inspire half our customers to buy this out of curiousity, yet REPEL the other half into buying some other product that will not look embarrassing, sitting on their closet shelf.”
Maybe they had a simple can of “SHOE POLISH” sitting next to it, and it was like a marketing test or something. Oh, for a hidden camera on that shelf…
Am I the only one who watches American Horror Story: Coven and thought, “Bring me 2 ounces of your husband’s Baby Gravy.” No? Ok then.
Pudding???
I don’t even know what to say about this.
Is it a sin after impregniting a shoe to abort the process that could lead to baby shoes? I mean, do shoes have soles?
And what do you get if you cross a Doc Martin with a flip-flop? Is there some kind of shoe apartheid that prevents this ever happening? These are important social issues, people. We need legislation – and shoe polish, we must have shoe polish.
Oh, and can sling-back mules even breed?
You only feel that way about your shoes because you don’t live any place where winter is serious. I hand impregnate all my leather boots and shoes every fall. If only they would then reproduce without me having to purchase them some relatives…
My brain has been chewing on this since I read it this afternoon. Why would you impregnate shoes that you want to be impregnable? Talk about mixed messages. This is exactly the kind of thing Robin Thicke is talking about in that song “Blurred Lines.”
Sadly, the first thing I noticed was that they used what looks like Futura Font Family *facepalm*
excuse me while I go trip over my geek that is hanging out
Oh, for heaven’s sake, everyone . . . it’s just military-issue grease to waterproof combat boots and help keep you from getting wet feet and maybe trench foot.
One question: Where do you shop?
I do manage to find two-headed goats and shrunken heads – but never anything odd/confusing/weird for sale. I’m pretty sure we live within a couple hours of each other.
How in the HECK does one work the word “impregnite” into daily convo? I will try this in the morning with my fellow co-workers. Can’t wait! T:)
If it meant I could totally have my cute red boots multiply, I’d gladly impregnate them by hand 😉
AND it’s flammable. Sounds like a fun night : )
Shoes should always be impregnated the old-fashioned way…bible says so.
This is soooo funny! Ha!
This is far too amusing to me because one of my favorite bands of all times is called “Shoes”. And this would be the best / most embarassing thing to post to their Facebook wall….
Well if it would make my shoes multiply….
So what ? You’ve been trying to impregnate a cow using your hand, don’t you remember ? Anything can be impregnated by using hands like cows, shoes, old friends, you name it.
Thank you for giving me another reason not to visit Australia….
First reason on my “why the fuck would I want to go there??” list was them having spiders the size of Chevy pick-up trucks. Second, they are home to ONE HUNDRED species of venomous snakes – which along with the truck spiders, and the myriad of other Australian animals that can either kill you or make you wish you were dead, completes my nightmare quite nicely.
And now, hand-shoe porn.
Greetings and Salutations…
It is, indeed, a gel (of sorts) that not only waterproofs leather boots, but, is designed to keep chemical agents from penetrating to the wearer’s skin. For what it is worth, it used to be made with Mink Oil…which, by the by DOES come from real minks. it is a mixture of rendered fats from the skin, and, the contents of the scent glands at the base of the animal’s tail….
hahahahahahahahah
appropos of nothing….
My Mom & Dad loved the whole “thanks for the memories” schtick that Bob Hope & Bing Crosby did.
And then I had to go get my first bra.
Yeah.
Thongs for the mammaries.
Scarred for life I tell you, scarred for life.
It’s like weird, random shit just follows you. You are a super-powered magnet for oddities.
I just realized that *I* follow you. So I guess I’m weird, random, and odd. Who knew? (besides everyone who has ever met me.)
You gonna learn today….
We have always wondered where baby shoes came from.
If this makes your shoes waterproof and flammable at the same time, if they were to catch on fire, how would you put them out?
I would LOVE if my kids’ shoes got impregnated and made slightly larger versions of themselves every few weeks. It would save me so much money.
Query: If your hand and your show got together, what would their children look like?
shoe…hand + shoe =
Sounds too fishy to be true.
Drawing from what I know about KRYPTONITE, I would have thought this to be birth control…for shoes?
But if you were willing to impregnate by hand, you might benefit from the creation of little shoes in the future…might cost less than having to buy them. I wonder what the shoe gestation period is, and do boots take longer than flipflops do?
Help for the shoe shooting blanks?
My brother was a quartermaster. He’ll love the comment that the army names everything like Yoda is their quartermaster.
Ew. That is all.
I think I finally understand why the Brits call galoshes “rubbers”.
I just thought you needed to see these stuff raccoons in a canoe cuz well:
http://imgur.com/gallery/OHL318E
Now I’m imagining a shoe giving birth to hundreds a of tiny baby human hands? Huh. Maybe the other way round.
Like, I wish I could, Liddie-Oldman’s post. 🙂
Haha what does that even mean?!?
That is something else…
…and that is how we get pairs of shoes….
I’d HAVE to buy that just to leave out on the counter in the bathroom for when family members you don’t like come over and search your bathroom for stuff…
I am confused. I stared at this picture and it looks cool and vintagesque but for the life of me, I don’t know what it is!
I am often struck by the things too strange to be made up–like John Boehner’s name sounding so much like boner…for example:)
I.. um… do you have to by the shoes a drink first?
Is it something that is done in public spaces?
Do you feel the need to have to shoo the cats out of the room lest they spy you impregnating a shoe?
How does the shoe feel about this?
Soo many questions.
I had no idea there was a home kit for hand impregnation. I always thought you had to take your shoes to a clinic.
“used for both greasing the boots and protecting from chemical gas” only $7.50 per can http://www.colbubbie.com/usmilitaryshoeimpregnite.aspx
Sizzling Hot Shoes Get Impregnated… the name of my next movie.. I swear…
I was going to go for the obvious here, the creep thought of impregnating your shoes. But can I just add, How in the world is anyone getting that can opened?? My can opener would melt at the sight of that can. Or do you open it like my camp counselors would open the Hawaiian Punch, by just punching two holes in and letting gravity take over?
*My brain isn’t right, I know.*
This sounds like an excellent way to reproduce shoes with minimal costs. I will now be searching out this product on amazon.
So…are your shoes pregnant or are they not?
It looks like it opens like a paint can, so I’d say pry the lid off with a screwdriver.
Hmmm… I seem to be out of orange juice.
So if your shoes are pregnant do you get a Patent-turnity Test? (for Patent Leather Shoes).
Does the man become the Alwedged Father?
Will you always have twins (since shoes come in pairs)?
I am 100% sure this is where the whole “Having a Soul/Sole”- thing came in.
and we won’t even talk about Spinal Taps! See? Shoes again.
This all makes complete sense to me.
These and many pregnant shoe related questions are swirling in my head. Thanks a lot. I need to get back into the studio and work.
Loves you!
Dr Brassy
Pudding?
Where in the hell do you find this stuff? This can looks “vintage,” which is a nice way of saying it looks like somebody slapped a new label on an old can of Sterno.
As I recall, you’re no stranger to hand-impregnation, Jenny. *holds up turkey baster and winks*
If you impregnite your shoes and it’s burning – pretty sure your shoes are dirty and you need some penicillin… 😉
Impregnation here means to blockade the pores of the leather. It was kinda funny a term. The grease was actually used on roughout boots, in which the side of the leather used for the boots was reversed. There is a document online, declassified, from Aberdeen, talking about the ingredients. Doesn’t seems to be much poisonous.
I’ve used this stuff. Fairly effective waterproofing. It can even be buffed to a light shine. Light coatings will always be a lot more effective.