I assure you, that was not my nipple.

in functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, I am totally overrated, Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Random Crap

So this week I did a keynote address at the Texas Conference for Women.  The other keynote speakers were all uber-professional and awesome, and one was a nobel peace laureate, and they all said very important, inspirational things.  And then I got on the stage and panicked and decided to do a reading from my book about the time I got my arm stuck up a cow’s vagina.  In my defense though, I’m me, so it wasn’t like they didn’t know they were getting into, and surprisingly few people actually walked out.  I suspect the few who did walk out probably just had cow vagina phobia (I feel ya, sisters) but then later I realized it might have been for another reason altogether.  Very sweet friends sent me photos of myself on stage and some of them made me look almost professional:

Pretend I was saying something profound here and not just explaining how easy it is to get your arm broken in a cow vagina.

Then my friend Laura sent me pictures from the back.  After the fifth one I had noticed they all had one similarity:

Do you see it?

You might not notice from the picture, but after looking at a series of them all I can see is what appears to be my right nipple escaping from my shirt.

No shit. It's in EVERY shot.

And I know it’s not my nipple because I’m about to turn 40 and my nipples weren’t that perky even when I was 20.  In fact, I’d almost be proud if that was an accidental nip-slip, because who wouldn’t be impressed with nipples that are so perky they seem to be reading the book along with me?  Answer: Professional conference attendees staring at a possible wonky nipple during a 20-minute diatribe about cow vaginas.

Let me assure you, it was not my nipple.  I suspect it was shadow of the circular microphone on the podium, but now I’m worried that thousands of women think I was intentionally showing off my one good nipple.  I would never do that, y’all.  Because I’m a lady.

And now that I’ve straightened that out (or possibly made it much, much worse) I’m going to change the subject to tell you that I just opened a box from my editor and it was filled with my book in Portuguese.  I think.  I’m not good with languages.  But as an early Christmas/Hanukkah present I’m going to give away signed Portuguese copies to a few random commenters.  Why would you even want this?  I have no idea.  But I guarantee that you’ll be the only one with one.

I shoved the cover in my cat's face and screamed, "HEY, CAT! YOU'RE TOTALLY FAMOUS IN BRAZIL," and then she ran and hid under the couch. Some people just can't handle fame.

 

518 thoughts on “I assure you, that was not my nipple.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Random Comment: Why is it that old people do their grocery shopping on Tuesdays? I don’t get it.

  3. You did better than I would have done speaking in front of that many people! I’d have squeaked and then run away. I’m not good at public speaking, at all. 🙂

  5. Maybe some people left because they had to go to the restroom or they got an important call or something. Whatever the reason, they missed one heck of a story.

  7. 1 – My nipples know how to read.
    2 – My Movember moustache is itchy.
    3 – A signed Portuguese version of your book sounds way more awesome than my unsigned English version.

  8. Dear T:) at comment #3:
    I totally read your comment as “I LOVE your titties!!!! Awesome!”
    Which I consider the best misreading of a comment that actually makes sense in the context of the post it’s about, EVER.
    Thank you for helping me achieve this honor.
    Sincerely,
    Chuck Baudelaire

  9. I attend conferences all the time, and I would pay good money if more people would talk about getting their arm stuck in a cow’s vagina, or show something that at least could be mistaken for a very perky nipple, because that would be so much better than what I get, which is people droning on about insurance or technological advances. Or technological advances in insurance…huh. I think I dozed off there for a second.

    So, once again, you rock.

  10. I read the last photo caption as, “I shaved the cover of my cat’s face…” The imagery of you shaving a cat came to mind. I thought, no, she wouldn’t do that, and promptly read again. Thanks for the free eye exam and also for not shaving any cats.

  12. Given the content of this article, I really didn’t think the above comment said “titles.”

  13. Phantom nipple syndrome – something men never have to worry about when doing public speaking. Thanks for taking one for the team.

  16. If I was a random commenter, which I am, and I were to get a copy of your book in Portuguese, which I might or might not, I would be in a quandary. Keep it, because, reasons; give it to a clan-brother who is an amazing and sexy gay man in Chicago and is of Portuguese ancestry; give it to my ex-husband’s g/f who was a missionary in South America and actually SPEAKS and READS Portuguese, but I don’t like her all that much.

    Hmm. Better not give it to me. Too many choices. And I love your not-nipple.

  17. Am I the only one who read that in Inspector Clouseau’s voice, “Zat is NOT my nipple”?

    Anyway, hugs. 🙂

  19. Okay, my girlfriend’s daughter lived in Rio, got her degree in portuguese, and SOOOOOOOO needs this book! [Bob jumps up and down in the back of the room with his hand up, yelling “PICK ME! PICK ME!”]

  20. I don’t want a copy of the book because I can’t read that language, but I wish I could have a copy of the cover. CUZ IT’S AWESOME AND THEN I COULD PUT IN THE PLASTIC OUTER THINGIE ON MY SCHOOL BINDER AND BE ALL LAWSBIAN PRIDE AT MY UNIVERSITY.
    Sometimes I forget to turn caps off. And then I realize and am just like “*shrug* Meh.”

  21. I actually would love a signed copy of your book in Portuguese. I used to live in Brazil, and my Portuguese is terrible, but one of the things I do to try to maintain is get copies of books in Portuguese that I already own in English and try to read them.

    Usually I do this with romance novels, because they’re short and cheap and use a relatively limited vocabulary (though I did have to learn the words for ‘Amnesia’ and ‘Billionaire Playboy’) but it sounds like it would be epically more fun with your book.

  23. You know what they say…”everything’s bigger in Texas!”
    I think it was your nipple.
    I’m starting the twitter hashtag #NippleGate
    Though it probably exists!

  24. I can always count on you to make me laugh. Have had a rough morning (RD is acting up), but you made me feel much better.

  27. I have GOT to quit reading your blog at work. I’m DYING from laughing, and I just snorted water all over my desktop…. But I’m not going to stop, so keep it coming!!

  28. i seriously love you. so. much.

    If it didn’t hurt to laugh – i’d love you even more.

  31. I have absolutely nothing witty to say about your über perky nipple-like shadow, but YAY to finally being published in Brazil.

  32. This is some coincidence. I live in Brazil and have been trying to learn portuguese for two years. Cow vaginas might just be the learning tool that helps me succeed.

  34. It looks more like a poorly placed nicotine patch than a nipple to me.

    And why are they so obsessed with the cat on your head photos in Brazil, I mean really, they had to put 3 of them?

    And what exactly is going on with the cow at the top, there’s a white dashed arrow aimed at you is it shooting milk in your general direction?

  35. I see this as a perfectly sensible reason to learn to read Portuguese. and until I saw the arrow pointing to what is obviously the microphone shadow, I didn’t know what you meant, either. Unlike Leah, I know I’m not dead inside, though.

  38. I’m so glad I’m not the only one that didn’t read that comment as “titles.”

  41. random comment: I have shared your book with SO MANY people that I should be getting royalties. Thanks for writing the funniest book ever in the history of words. Building a shrine…But I also just picked up the new Hyperbole and a Half book and there you are on the back, saying great words about it. Okay. 2 books now that I have that are the funniest books ever written.

  42. See, and now everybody in the crowd is horribly disappointed. Here they thought that was what the admission fee was for.

  43. Would love to teach my cat Portuguese. So put me in the running, walking would be better .

  44. I’d looovvveeee a signed copy in a different language! Any language. Make one up, if you’d like.

    Also?

    Knowing that you did that makes me feel like I need to proactively do something about my anxiety issues today. Thanks for being awesome.

  45. “We” know it’s not your nipple – we’ve seen that before. Ho hum. *Yawns* Show us something we haven’t seen… 🙂

  47. Cow vaginas can be surprisingly tricky to navigate. Fist bump to boy cows for daring to try.

  48. I have a signed English copy that would be proud to have a signed Portuguese copy next to it on my big, black bookcase.

  49. I love your book, and I’m so happy for your success…but I just can’t imagine that much of what goes on in Texas would be, shall we say, “relatable” in other parts of the world, even without metaphors which don’t easily make the English-to-Estonian translation. 🙂

  52. Sorry, shouldn’t have just assumed that if that was your nipple, which it wasn’t, would have been a third nipple. I don’t know what happened.

  53. Read the post – loved it as usual. Then I’m skimming the comments and see one from “T:)”. Swore it said “I love your titties” which would be appropriate as well. But I was all, did somebody really put that?!? No, no, she said titles. Phew!! Hilarious.

  54. We all know that was your third nipple that you keep covered up with makeup … you can’t fool us

  55. There was this one time in college where my Spanish teacher started talking completely in Portuguese by accident (as that apparently happens to some people) and I completely believed I was either a complete idiot or I had a stroke since I had no clue what was going on for about… 20 minutes.

  57. I am so sad that I missed this conference (living in TX and all), and your nearly-a-nip-slip-but-more-like-a-weird-albeit-strategically-placed-mic-shadow. Would have been awesome.

  60. Random comment from a random fan: I’ve lived my whole life in Texas and I assure you my Mama raised me better than to ever walk out on any woman tough enough to speak about a cow vagina from experience. And my Daddy raised me to know a great story when I hear one, and to shut up, sit down and enjoy it. I’m sorry you were apparently tricked into speaking to a group of “Texas Women” who were clearly not actual Texans. This import situation is getting all out of control.

  61. “Follow the bouncing nipple as it reads along” might be an avant guarde method in reading comprehension.

    You could save the world – one nipple at a time.

  62. Kim Kiminee, etc.: Grocery stores offer senior discounts on Tuesdays. I think the original reason was because Tuesday was the slowest day of the week (income-wise), so this was a way to boost sales.

    I didn’t even think “nipple,” I thought “microphone shadow.” But I would be incredibly impressed if your nipple was that high! Congrats on the public speaking triumph– that’s tough everyone!

  65. I’m thinking of taking up portugese. Mostly because Shakira speaks it, but I’m sure I could use it in other situations too. Maybe to let you know you’ve got quite the nip slip?

  66. I bet the Nobel Laureate has never had her arm up a cow vagina and left the basting thing inside for fear of getting her arm broken. I’m just sayin’….

  68. Congratulations on not almost exposing your perky nip or lack there of…and the book to. Or as they say in Portugal…(no clue)

  69. I also thought T:) was declaring love for your wonky boobage. I would love a Portuguese version of your book! I have a friend who teaches English in Brazil and I think it would be a fascinating glimpse into American culture for his students. Well, that, or they would think we all put our arms up cow vaginas.

  70. Now I want to find a taxidermied goose for you so you can name it Portia Geese. She will have visible nipples. I promise.

  72. I’d love a signed copy of your book – especially in Portuguese! I’ll never forget the rime my parents talked about going to Portugal. Mom asked my brother what he’d like them to bring back for him. Dick said, “a Portugoose”. Sadly, they never took the trip.

    AND – when I ordered my amazing English copy with the signed faceplate sticker deal…..I forgot about it during the wait for publication, and when the faceplate came first my brain couldn’t figure out what it was and I THREW IT AWAY! Aagghhhh!

    Who could top these things? You can’t make up stuff like this.

  73. Nipple in portuguese is “mamilo.” Just in case you need to know that for the next book.

  74. Holy shit that AWESOME!!! I can kinda read Portuguese since I can speak Spanish & French! I’d love to win that book!!

    I was gonna say, surely they didn’t walk out b/c of your nip.. and from the picture I’d say you have very light colored nipples. LOL and your boob would be way off to the right.. eh.. oh well.. LOL

    I saw your pic at the conf, you looked wonderful!! I wish I could have gone! 🙁

  76. Though your comments that you don’t deserve to be up there are endearing, they’re totally not true. I have always admired your ability to turn the unique life-conditioning that is a rural Texas upbringing and turn it into something amazing. It’s a wonderful gift and I’m glad that you are sharing it.

  79. For you, I’d learn Portuguese. I just went to the trouble of spelling Portuguese, TWICE! Doesn’t that mean anything?!?

  80. I need this because my 65 year old dads 35 year old can speak Portuguese….so its almost like I can too

  85. I loaned out one of my books to a friend who is currently reading it, but now I’m thinking they may never give it back because you are that awesome. 🙁 The sad face isn’t because you’re awesome, but because I’d like my book back. But one in Portuguese would be cool.

  86. Woohoo!! Send one my way because I can TOTALLY read portugease…except that I can’t (did I even spell it right??)… But I will be the mysterious one looking intently at a portugease book on the airplane, at the bus stop, while driving, etc (the possabilities are endless!!)) and people will automatically think I’m amazing. Cause that’s how it works, right?

  88. I would totally do the same to my cats… two would run, one would sit and think it’s food.
    In his defense he is 20 lbs and thinks everything is food.

  91. Specifically random comment:

    I had to suffer through the last year and a half of junior high school in Brazil, and I’ve been trying for years…decades, actually…to pretend it never happened.

  93. I so want one! The book. Not your nipple. Although… if I had been in the audience, I would have been ecstatic to be one of only a few people who had seen your nipple live and in person. If anyone walked out on that, they clearly do not know what is good in life.

  97. Once, I went to a friend’s birthday party wearing a delightful sparkly top, with a sassy black lace bra on underneath. But it was cool, because the top was dark navy and covered in twinkly beads, so you couldn’t see through it…

    … except whenever a camera flashed. For birthday photos. Which went all over online.

    So I’m not judging, even if it *were* your nipple on a giant screen.

  98. I can’t decide what would be better: being known as the “cow vagina lady” or the “nipple lady.” ‘Cuz both are so awesome. Either way, kudos to you for the conference and for the Portuguese book. I’d celebrate with a linguicia sandwich. In fact, I think I’ll do that myself. Mmmmmmm, linguicia…

  99. I can’t think of anything to say, so I’ll just go on record as leaving the lamest comment. I don’t even know what I’d do with the book, though. Probably keep it on display and tell everyone it’s a reference book on Portuguese cow vaginas.

  101. I can’t even read Portuguese… But maybe I’d learn if I owned this book. Plus, you could then say that you’re teaching people Portuguese… So everyone wins in this situation.

  102. The Portuguese reckon they gave the Japanese their word for ‘thank you’, y’know. Manners – the underrated export.

  104. Very way cool. I had a nipple incident IN my 20s and it wasn’t that high. I had a wardrobe malfunction BEFORE Janet Jackson made it cool. Incidentally it was on stage. I was deep into my role as Christmas Angel.

  105. I first read this on my phone, and I was studying the tiny picture intently when I realized I spent five minutes trying to spot an imaginary nipple on an image the size of a postage stamp. All in all, not a bad way to pass the time on a rainy Thursday.

  106. Just saw you at the conference. While everyone else was professional, inspiring and blah blah… You were FANTASTICALLY FUNNY!!! And if they wanted inspiring, they should have attended your breakout session. You had me in tears. You’re bravery in laying your whole life out on the table in front of a room full of strangers… WOW!

    Just ordered your book, can’t wait to read it. You gained a new fan in me.

  107. So, if it’s not your nipple, whose is it? You really shouldn’t go out in public wearing someone else’s nipples. Did you lose the other one? Remind me never to lend you anything. 🙂

  109. As my comment, I will share with you a poem recited to me by my Poppa. It was a rainy morning when I was 18 years old, and it was the first time I had ever heard that particular poem. I sometimes wonder how many more poems he had in his head that I never got to hear and memorize. Anyway, here it is, and apropos, I think, with this Texas weather…

    Under a toad-stool crept a wee elf,
    Out of the rain, to shelter himself.
    Under the toadstool, fast asleep,
    Sat a big door mouse, all in a heap.

    Trembled, the wee elf, frightened and yet,
    Fearing to fly away, lest he get wet.
    To the next toadstool may be a mile!

    Suddenly the wee elf smiled a wee smile.
    He tugged ’til the toadstool toppled in two,
    And holding it over him, gayly he flew.

    Soon he was home safe, dry as could be.
    Soon woke the door mouse, “Good gracious me!
    “Where is my toadstool?” loud he lamented.

    And that is how umbrellas first were invented!

    🙂

  110. I must have one of these for my wife, who has begged me to stop reading it out loud to her in English (I can’t stop, though, but would totally read it in Portuguese. Because that’s what she does.
    And if I don’t win, I blame it on you, because you said I could.

  112. I think a nip-slip would be fabulous. That shit might get you on one of those fashion shows with Joan Rivers, and your book would skyrocket.

    I think you should probably name your next taxidermied creature after her, just to be pro-active…

  113. Jenny- I had the pleasure of attending and seeing you for the first time at the conference. You rocked! I loved it. I went to HS in Garden City which is pretty much the same thing as Wall (and we were in HS at the same time). I loved loved loved it. I was so excited not only because I could totally related to the chapter you read but, because I all of sudden didn’t feel alone or embarrassed about my HS nightmare anymore. You just made a new fan YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  114. P.S. I averted my gaze as soon as you thought it might be a nipple, even if it was a shadow, because I am a gentleman.

  117. Sometimes I feel like you’re just me from the future sent to warn me about things. Now I have to look out for nipple shadows, THANKS.
    Also, I would love a Portuguese copy of your book! I’m in the middle of trying to get fluent in Portuguese so I can talk to the non-English speaking side of my family, so all the material I can get to translate and practise helps!

  118. My best friend has a new Brazilian girlfriend. I think a signed copy of your book in Portuguese would totally score her some major points. I’m in this for Christine!

  119. Totally thought that the third response post from “T:)” November 21, 2013 at 12:06 pm said “I love your titties!!!!!”

    but disappointingly it actually says “I love your titles!!!!!”

    I need more coffee.

  122. Nip-slip or not, who could stand to leave a talk about someone getting their hand stuck in a cow vagina? Maybe next time you can read it in Portuguese?

  124. They walked out as they were astounded by your brilliance and thought dahum this is as good as it gets OR cow vagina phobia and I am pondering are you sure it was a vagina because coming from a farmer it is confusing in that area…for all species I find…

  125. Try typing the Portuguese into Google Translate slowly — because you can’t remember how to spell the words in Portuguese. It’s kinda fun, and it feels like watching a child sound out words phonetically.

    http://translate.google.com/#pt/en/

    By the way, Google insists the title’s translation is perfect!

    Cheers,
    dave

  126. I would memorize the chapter about the time you and your friend buried and then re-dug up your dog from my English copy of your book. I would then take the Portuguese copy to work and ask them if I can share this great story I read last night. I would then pretend I can read Portuguese making my co-workers impresses with my hidden ability. Or possibly they will be appalled by the story due to the fact that I work as an animal nurse at the local veterinary hospital. Either way I make out, they will think I am awesome or they will give me some time off to “rest” after hearing the story.

  127. But if you are giving away a few, I wouldn’t be the only one with one, right? Btw, totally still kicking myself for not getting extra copies autographed when I saw you in Denver. I would love to give one to my FIL for Xmas. And the two copies I gave to friends were sadly unautographed. As a bonus though, all those copies were in English so the recipients could read them.

  129. I have in fact displayed my nipple to an audience and they found it fascinating. I have an inverted nipple which somehow came up as the topic of conversation at a friend’s Christmas party last year. Evidently my nipple was fascinating because I soon found myself with a rapt audience, leaning in to hear every gory detail. Then someone said, “I want to see it” so I said, “okay” and pulled that sucker out and then proceeded to slowly display it around the circle of onlookers like a kindergarten teacher displaying a picture book. True story.

    In other exciting nipple news, I have discovered that the cure for an inverted nipple is pregnancy, apparently. I’m due in 5 1/2 weeks and also being almost 40, that sucker is pointing at the floor like a champ. You’d never know it has been hiding inside my boob for the last several years. So there you go. I’ll bet you just learned something new today. You’re welcome.

  132. I’d totally live to have a copy!!! Then I’d have an excuse to learn Portugese & convince my husband he needs to take me there. Because, after all, it’d be a shame. It to out that knowledge to good use. And I could talk to random Portugese folks about cow vaginas & shit. What’s not to love about that?

  134. Maybe it was an overshadow of your nipple. Or maybe I just wanted to say overshadow and talk about your nipples. Or maybe I need sleep, and a Portuguese copy of your book.

  135. What the fuck…I wrote I came from a farmer-which I did but meant to say I grew up on a farm..it is so hard when my hand and eyes do not keep up with my kind..I swear I write what I am saying in my head all the time-read it and think yep nailed it-post it-nope missed it….sigh

  136. how about me…I have an english signed one…however it is made out to christy….and I am crystle lol u are awesome

  137. You should totally give me a copy. I speak/read French and Italian, so there’s a fair chance I could learn to read Portuguese from your book. That would make it educational. You’re welcome.

  139. I am laughing out loud in my cubicle at work! My colleagues are already a bit concerned about my mental health and this isn’t helping!! I would love a portuguese version of your book as a gift to my daughter. She spent a year in Brazil between high school and university (thanks to the great people at Rotary) and is creating a Brazillian shelf in her “library” to complement her English and Spanish ones.
    Thanks for the laugh!

  140. I would like to see a close up of the books on your shelves. I am dying to know what you read!

  142. I was there and didn’t even notice that! I must have been laughing too hard!! I really enjoyed that snippet of your book though and intend to buy it when I get a chance. Being from small Texas town myself, I could definitely relate!

  144. “old people” (over 50), ME, shop on Tuesdays because you get 5 percent off total purchase. as Jenny would say, You’re welcome.

  145. I love your book, and I love portuguese, so this would be the coolest thing for me to own. Also, maybe I’m looking at the pictures wrong, but that would be an odd place for your nipple to be, right? Even little kids don’t have nipples that high.

  146. Loved getting read to the other day. It was fine by me. Also, the nipple thing, depended on where you were sitting. I was off to stage left and couldn’t see it. Do you feel better now? Anyway – I have a young friend who is in her first year as a language teacher in New Mexico and although she is teaching Spanish her first love is Portuguese. So, I would love to send her a copy of your book for XMas. Just saying.

  147. I just figured that was your third nipple. The good thing about having your book in Portuguese is that I took three years of it in college so I could probably only understand about half the words but look very fancy while reading it on the bus.

  148. How do you organize copies of your own book if they are all different colors? Do they all get to be on the shelf together because they are technically the same book that just happens to be in different languages or are they all spread out because they are different colors?

    OCD nightmare.

  149. Eu adoraria ter seu livro em portugues, porque o meu gatinho ja fala!
    Translation from Portuguese: I would love to have your book in Portuguese, because my cat already speaks it! It’s true, he’s bilingual. 😀

    I spent my senior year of high school studying abroad in Brazil and am always looking for Portuguese language books!

  151. Eu quero esse livro!
    See? I want the damn book so bad I actually learned how to speak Portuguese in under an hour much like John Travolta did in the movie Phenomenon! Crap, am I now some freak member of Scientology by default? Now you owe me the book for putting me in this very precarious situation! Or, maybe I just did a Google translate of “I want that book!” But still, I am WORKING for it!

  152. I can’t even tell you how much I love reading your posts. You are a beacon if shining light in a sea of darkness for many, many people and I am so grateful that I stumbled across your blog. Truly brilliant.

  153. I was autocorrected on twitter about flat cum
    I meant to tweet about flat coke
    It was an epic moment.
    Like your non existent nip faus pax.

  154. I would learn Portugese just to read a signed copy of your book. Also, if your nips are that high, you might have a real medical problem.

  155. I love you, but I have to stop reading your posts at work. I literally start laughing out loud, then have to explain what I’m laughing about. And I never do it justice, so no one gets the joke.

  156. I would love a copy of your book in Portuguese. My mom was born there and doesn’t read English well, she would totally get a kick out of reading your book!

  157. I wouldn’t worry about the nip slip. You were at a conference of women. This is a group that KNOWS nipples. They’ve corralled their own long enough that they recognize the little suckers and even if one wanted to come out and read the book, I can’t imagine they would mind too much.

    Maybe we SHOULD give nipples a day out though. They get so demonized and they don’t deserve it.

    Don’t worry, I won’t do it here at work in my cubicle, I’ll wait ’til I’m working from home tomorrow. The dogs will be shocked but the cat won’t since she’s bitten one before trying to get me to pet her.

    Nipples Out!

  158. It looks like a shadow to me. I would never have assumed it was a nipple or areola. It’s in the wrong place.

    A few years ago a blog post of mine got link on a Brazilian blog that is much more popular there than mine is here. I had several people posting comments in Portuguese. I felt all cool and stuff. For awhile I would just randomly say to my husband “you know, I’m big in Brazil.” And we would laugh.

    So congrats on being big in Brazil.

  160. eu te amo, Jenny. (That’s “I love you” in Portuguese. ‘Cause I’m all bi-lingual and shit)

  161. I feel like there are very few opportunities in life for the phrase “No, that’s not my nipple” to actually be relevant.

  162. I saw you!! I was walking in the book area, looked over, saw you smiling nicely at some lady getting you to sign her book and went all fan-girly for a second. (“OMFG…that’s Jenny…OMG…OMG…How-cool-is-that? She has a great smile!”) Plus, I actually think Portuguese is a cool language b/c I can always tell when it’s being spoken even if I can’t understand it. I majored in French for a while so every few words I ALMOST THINK I can understand something…but then I can’t…and I know it’s not Spanish…so I realize it’s the combo language – Portuguese!

  163. :O My roommate speaks Portugese. I bet she’d love the book. And also perhaps people walked out because they were going to find you a doctor because YOUR NIPPLE WAS IN THE WRONG PLACE. They care man. They care.

  164. Today, we sent all five of my son’s grandparents, one of whom is my dad’s crazy wife and not his grandparent at all, to grandparents’ lunch at my son’s school. It was apparently a complete disaster, and now I’m all stressed out about how everyone was apparently miserable the whole time and how we can send only some of them next year but not offend anyone. Your book in Portuguese would make my day much better than it has been so far.

  166. I wonder if reading your book in Portuguese is an inspirational as listening to David Bowie songs sung in their original Portuguese (thank you Seu Jorge!)

  167. Mais fica! That’s more for me in Portuguese! I don’t need more but I want it! Have your book on my iPad, paperback for the extra chapter, and I keep giving it as a gift! Oh and I’m half guese.

  169. I love your writing in any language. But our eight year old has been playing the Rio movie and the Rio video game non-stop. Your book would offer redemption from my current hatred of all things Brazilian/Portuguese. I still hate birds though. Except Beyonce.

  170. I was at the Texas Women’s conference, and let me tell ya sister… your 20 minute diatribe was the highlight of my morning. I laughed my ass off and so did everyone around me. THANK YOU for making the morning a wacky yet profound experience regarding cow vaginas. AWESOME. 🙂

  172. well, I could use a portuguese version. My best friend is portuguese! You’d save me some xmas shopping 🙂

  173. Aw, crap. Please forgive my poor spacing. I didn’t put the couplets together!!! I’ve never tried to type it up before…

    I’m having a rough day.

  176. I WOULD WANT THIS! My co-working is Portuguese or Pork & Cheese, as we like to say.
    This would make an awesome Christmas present for her!

  177. I would love a signed copy of your book in Portuguese! I read recently that knowing multiple languages can stave off dementia, so what better reason to learn another language than with your book?

  178. Now I think I want to make round bandaids that look like nipples, and stick one just below my collarbone. Then I will wear a tank top and keep count of how many people get whiplash doing double takes.

    And BTW, I googled “nipple bandaids”, and was able to add to my reasons why I am not a runner. WTF people?!

  179. maybe you can do a sienfeld theme. first the nip slip, then dance like Elaine, then nap under your desk.

  180. I totally agree with you. If I had nipples/ boobs that were perky enough for that to be an actual nip slip scenario, I’d be kinda proud. Especially after child bearing and all that. Pregnancy ruined my boobs so if I had awesome boobs, I wouldn’t mind an accidental nip slip either.

  181. First, I agree, that was a shadow, but even if it wasn’t i wod have stayed to listen to you talk about your cow vagina experiences.
    Second, I don’t speak Portuguese, but would love to have a signed copy of your book in Portuguese anyway. I can’t get my sister to give me back my English version, so maybe it would be an incentive to learn Portugese… But probably not.

  182. Pick me! I’ll learn Portuguese and I’m planning a trip to Brazil. I’d look so cool carrying you book.

  183. I totes have a friend who speaks that silly language. And I even get to see her in a few months!
    Even if it was your nipple, it would be a very professional looking nipple.

  184. It’s cool, cause in Brazil, a nip slip is totally the norm! In fact, it is practically the law! So even if you did do it, you were just doing it for the sake of your readers in Brazil, to make them feel special.

    Or, it could have been the mic shadow.

  185. I think the next time I have to go to a doctor’s appointment, and I’m getting anxious, I’ll just think “cow vagina”. That ought to settle my nerves.

  186. Ooh ooh! Me me! I love Portuguese because I lived in Brasilia, Brazil for a year and I have only three books in that language.

  187. Damn nipples! Always trying to escape the bra. Go girls! Go! Portuguese is awesome; I’m actually learning how to speak it for work. I have your book in English and if I get one in Portuguese, I could lay them side by side and read them together. And then I could impress people with how fast I picked up the language and I could recite passages to people who only spoke English and they’d be totally wowed!

  189. My daughter got to see you and have her picture with you at the conference – I was so jealous! She said you were wonderful and totally you!

  190. Now I have to buy your book in Portuguese for my Portuguese almost-sister-in-law and brother (not-Portuguese) because he’s learning Portuguese so they can visit her family more.

    That’s a lot of Portuguese in one sentence and I had to google how to spell it!

  191. Woohoo Portuguese! I want a copy even though I only speak English because duh it’d be awesome to have something signed by you!

  192. Phobias of cow vaginas are understandable. I live on a dairy farm, and have had to shove my arm up there a few times. It’s not pleasent.

  193. I was the envy of all my friends…. cuz I was there hearing you in person! Your talk was great… and I wanted to run up and give you a hug… as I too have worn a full-length arm condom (required lab at vet school). Fun times. Thanks for the laughs!

  197. About a year ago my wife showed me your blog about the metal chicken. One of the funniest things that I have ever read. We have been on a search for a giant metal chicken ever since. We have found a giant bejeweled white owl (marked down to $40 from $120 so it was like getting $80 of jeweled owl for free) and a five foot tall dragon puppet (which I got ten percent off the price for being military but isn’t really the same thing as getting free dragon) but no luck with the chicken. We actually did find a giant metal chicken outside a Mexican restaurant in Leavenworth, Kansas that was going out of business. We figured what the heck, and stopped and asked if they would sell us their giant metal chicken. We thought they would say, “Go away crazy chicken people” but instead they told us we couldn’t have it because someone else had stopped by and paid for it already and we were the FIFTH couple to stop by and make an offer on it. So no chicken yet, but you, along with my therapist, did inspire me to actually start my own blog. A year later and, unlike the Spanish guitar lessons and the spinning classes, I am still going strong. Here is a link to one of my blogs. I hope you like it.
    http://self-schmerz.com/?m=201309

  198. I want that book!! I have no idea why as I already have it in English and don’t speak or read Portuguese. If, however, it turns out to be Spanish, I will be all over that.

  199. I would love love love it! I speak Portuguese & would love to read your book in it 🙂

  202. I already read your book in English, but since I speak Portuguese, I would love to re-read your book in that language, too!

  203. “Be free, my titties!”

    And I kinda read Portuguese – a left over talent from living in Sao Paulo for 10 months – so a signed copy would just enhance my ability to continue dreaming in Portuguese, as I do every once in a while, but I wake up confused because I don’t know what the dream was about……

  204. I burned popcorn today but didn’t have enough left to make another batch, so that made me sad. Also, I have a book contract for a Florida travel narrative and when people ask me about it, I tell them I’m shooting for a “Bill Bryson Meets Jenny Lawson” look at Florida. Considering I deal with everything rom the Chupacabra to nude beaches, I’m hoping you’re flattered. If you send me a signed copy in any language, I’ll send you one of mine when it’s published. In a year.

  205. Jenny, you could have explained about fame to your cat to make it more comfortable before shoving the book into its face.
    “Look, cat. Fame costs. And this is where you start paying. In sweat.”
    And then you could have made your taxidermied friends do a musical number. (Picture Copernicus doing jazz hands.)

  207. I have a co-worker from Brazil, who just lost her mother! Your book would cheer her up. Especially since she could actually *read* it. And reverse-translate it, so we could see how you sounded. You could probably get the same effect from typing random sentences into Google Translate, but it’s the thought that counts.

  209. The cover is awesome! Who cares if I cannot read Portuguese. It would look cool on the shelf.

  210. I’m about to turn 40 as well. Here’s to us, 2 almost 40 year olds (who probably act and think and feel like they’re much younger).
    Geronimo!

  212. Your nipple has irregular borders and I heard when that happens you should have it checked. But not by a room full of women at a conference.. probably.

  213. I could learn Portuguese ( if that’s spelled correctly) .. well I’d try anyway 🙂

  214. Like they’ve never seen a nipple before. I feel like they might have been going to get more people to share the “Awesome Nipple/Cow Vagina Lady” experience with.

  216. Apparently all your followers are perverts or need glasses, judging by the amount of “I read that as..”

    I read “I shoved the cover in my cat’s ASS” and that just made me want a book I can’t read EVEN MORE.

  218. I’m half Portuguese so… I don’t know the language though so it’d be really random to have this.

  219. Nipples can be so crazy. Shadows, too.
    Do you get excited when you get your books like that? Do you happy dance? I totally would.
    I think it’s awesome.

    -Angie

  221. Third nipples are all the rage. And one that can read!? Seriously!? You are totally going viral with that.

  222. This is my first visit to your blog. I needed something to read while I ate lunch! I’ll be back!!

  223. That would be a HUGE nipple. Wouldn’t it?

    Great now I’m all concerned that I have abnormally tiny nipples. So that’s that anxiety for the day.

    Glad to know I’m not the only one who gets excited about good books in languages I can’t read. ^.^

  224. If that’s a nipple, I know who modelled for all those crazy medieval portraits of the breastfeeding Virgin Mary — you know, the ones where a spherical breast protrudes from her collarbone.

    I would love a Portuguese book to give to my brotherinlaw, a business consultant who travels back and forth to Brazil frequently and does speak the language.
    I’ve never seen without words except the year his mother gave him a taxidermied duck for Christmas…

  225. OMG I have a dear friend visiting me from Brasil (staying until this spring) who is a HUGE fan of yours (she turned me on to your blog) who would kill to have a copy of your book in Portuguese. Well, maybe not kill, but for sure at least a good flesh wound.

  226. Alright Jenny. I truly love you. And I do not want an autographed copy of your book in Portuguese. I would prefer an autographed scrap of paper, perhaps addressing me, that I could tape inside my english version of your book. The book that I am aprehensive to read because I don’t want it to be over.

  227. HEY!!! Look at that! I am Brazilian and can speak/read and write in Portuguese!! Gimme gimme gimme! Ok, I live in New Zealand, but anyway, I’d love to have a copy =)
    And if it makes you feel better, I did not see a nipple. Maybe a randomly placed birthmark? Or sauce stain?

  229. If only my nipples were that perky!! Then I would let them pop out any time they wanted. Mine have pointed south so long they don’t even know there is a north! But I really thought you were gonna tell us it was like a 3rd nipple or something. Now that would be AWESOME!!!!

  231. You know, in some places a little nipple slip would have gotten people sneaking in, not sneaking out… you were just working the wrong venue. Thank you for being you.

  233. Portuguese?

    That would complete my set of the book in multiple languages!

    Gracias!

  235. I’m an asshat. I thought the number in the corner was the number of times it was “liked”. I never could figure out how to like a comment. Too bad I figured this out before I posted and thought 200+ people thought I was awesome!

  236. Having an awesome book in Portuguese would only increase the awesome. And make me want to learn how to real Portuguese. Or at least pronounce it, so I can travel to Portugal and talk about cow vaginas (google claims that vaginas is not a word. It totally is.) because Portugal needs that kind of randomness.
    Also, the women who walked were totally just jealous of your exceedingly literate nipple.

  238. Dang. That nipple which is not your nipple is climbing up to your clavicle. That’s the perkiest nip EVER.

  239. I woulld love your book in Portugese. That’s my best friend, who is from Brazil, her language. I could give it to her for Christmas. Love you, Jenny.

  241. One semester of intensive Portuguese in college and your audiobook in English would make a read through even more entertaining than my first listen though!

  242. My BFF spent a year in Brazil as an exchange student when we were in high school. She didn’t speak a word of Portuguese when she went; thought she was going to have to eat spiders for dinner the first night there. It turned out to be lobster. Lucky girl. She totally needs a copy of your maahvelous book in Portuguese.

  243. I didn’t have occasion to blame you when you offered earlier, but since you’re on the subject, now I can. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!! Because of you, I found myself in public googling “fake nipples” on my phone to prove it’s really a thing. And therefore I read this title as “That was not MY nipple”, not “That was not my NIPPLE”.

  244. I was feeling a little down today, it’s raining…. so I decided to check here and see if there was an update, and there was! I love your “not a nip slip” nip slip.

    Also, I would totally love your book in any language.

  245. I had a dorm roommate in college (UC Santa Barbara) from Brazil who was there to learn English. My dorm was really big & ran its own esl college. It was weird. Anyway, you have not SEEN a huge shower drain hairball until you’ve seen a Brazilian one. Extra fun: she had gone to Mammoth Mtn. for MLK weekend. The weekend of the big Northridge earthquake. Her parents called frantic after they heard about it, but they only spoke Portuguese & I had to try to explain to them in English/Spanish that she was fine, she was an 8hr drive from the epicenter.

  246. You were FABULOUS at the Conference. Thanks for signing my book and taking the time to listen to me chatter about my big metal chicken named J-Law (after you!). [AND I TOOK A SELFIE WITH JENNY LAWSON YA’LL!] Mostly, thanks for taking the time to educate more people about the realities of depression and anxiety. Girl, you sold a LOT of books at that Conference. Welcome newbs!

  247. Holy Crap!
    How many and what kind of drugs enabled you to be up on that stage in front of all those people????
    I am terrified just thinking about it as I type this.
    YOU are my super hero!!

  248. I never tire of reading anything that comes out of your amazing mind. Thanks for making Texas seem a little bit awesome.

  249. My best friend in high school was an exchange student from Brazil. I know two phrases in portuguese, and they are both very very bad. I would be interested to see if those phrases appear in your book. 🙂

  250. I really need this because I’m going to see my Brazilian stepmom for Christmas and meet her daughter and since I can’t speak Portuguese and I don’t know if she can speak English it would be nice to have some distraction to keep us from noticing how much we are sitting in a room together not talking to each other for like a whole week and if I bring my English copy we can at least point at our respective books and nod and laugh together and that sounds like more fun than not laughing with a stranger for a week. A LOT better.

  251. Hmmm. So I’m not sure I could ever read it or even find someone who could but that would be kind of fun! 🙂

    BTW, I totally thought it was a shadow! I’m over 40 and I know there is no way you can have a slip nip that high! hahaha! Even after my breast reduction my nips were not that high!

  252. I totally thought that was a bruise caused by a koala or a kanga. Never for a second thought a lady like you would nip slip accidentally. On purpose, totally, but to pretend like it never happened…oh…wait. Maybe, yes?
    Anyway. Hurray for not that many ppl walking out on you. ‘Cause that would suck.

  253. Random Comment: I went upstairs at work to use the bathrooms on the 2nd floor, and the construction guys that are remodeling that floor were walking around on stilts. I suspect they were juggling prior to my floor entry and just stopped when I came into the entranceway.

  254. I’m proud of you. The last time I had to give a speech was in college. It had to be one and a half minutes, and it was video taped so we could critique them. I talked so fucking fast because I was nervous that my speech was over in 45 seconds, even though I had timed it at home. When the Professor asked me, “So, what do you think?” I said, “I think I should be an auctioneer!” This was way before the disclaimers at the end of pharmaceutical commercials where they say the side effects really fast, like may cause death or diarrhea…I could have totally made a career doing that.

  256. I just thought you wore your plastic nipply thing and were being all like “la la la la….check out my plastic nipply thing”
    Zat apparently vas not your nipple, LOL. Love u girl

  257. I need this book. I already have a copy in English but our Brazilian anesthesia resident doesn’t read fiction in English and she NEEDS to read this. Please, with a not-nipple on top?

  258. So happy to have heard you speak and to have met you at your book signing! I didn’t even notice your almost nip slip. But I also have questionable vision.
    Would love to own a copy of your book in a language I don’t understand. Though still not sure why.

  259. So most of my boyfriend’s family speaks Portuguese, leaving me at the corner of the table at family functions smiling and nodding. How fantastic would it be to completely change all of their opinions of me by whipping out this book at Christmas dinner?

  262. Que bueno!!! yo quiero ..umm,,you?
    yeah,,thats all i got for spanish,,,but wth its worth a try, the old college try,,the old,,college, where i took spanish classes,,and apparently did not retain any..
    Adios!

  264. Your cat seems pretty ungrateful. Being on a book cover is a way respectable way to be famous. He didn’t even have to release a sex tape.

  265. I absolutely deserve a copy of your book in Portuguese, because I actually took Portuguese in College.

    Only one semester, however; because the class was cancelled due to lack of interest by anyone but me.

    Decades later, all I remember of my Portuguese class is this song:

    Accorda maria bonita
    Leventa vai fazer o cafe
    que o dia ja vem riendu
    E a Polizia ja esta de pe

    Which as near as I can remember means:

    Wake up Beautiful Maria
    get up and make the coffee
    something about the day starting
    and the Police are walking around.

    I’d sing it and attach an mp3 file, but I’m doing this on the sly at work and I don’t want to get caught.

  271. LOL now it’s all I can see too!
    When we got our wedding pics back there is one of my new hubby in the receiving line. His mom is pointedly staring at his neck. Which due to the stiff collar on his tux shirt had made a dark red mark…… which you may have already guessed looks just like a hickey!
    Guess it’s good it didn’t look like a nipple!

  272. I’m glad you said it so I didn’t have to…….My only thought reading your blog was “her nipples are up THERE?” As a 45 year old woman, I can’t even remember when my nipples were that high.

  273. I am a high school English teacher and I have a foreign exchange student from Brazil right now and she speaks Portuguese. What a great gift that would be for her, a great American memoir in her native language!

  274. Your book made me snort laugh on a plane. But I cannot read Portuguese so I would be safe from mean looks from fellow travelers.

  275. Love your Pink Floyd t-shirt, but I wish you’d have photographed yourself so that I can read all the titles of your books on the shelf behind you. (Not in a stalkery way, you understand. Seems like I”m always mining your pics for subtext. Like that time I thought you lived next door to the Bates Motel but it was only your haunted doll house.)

  276. Love your Pink Floyd shirt, but I wish the photo was clear enough for me to read the titles of your books behind you. (But not in a stalkery way. Seems I’m always mining your pics for subtext. Like that time I thought you lived next to the Bates Motel but it was only your Haunted Doll House.

  278. I would love the book, I never win anything. Wait a minute, I lied. Just this Monday I won a $100 gift card from a local grocery store, but I would still love to have this book.

  279. my sister speaks portuguese… i could totally gift it to her… i wonder if she’d truly appreciate it the way i would if i could read it…

  280. My Italian friend who reads Portuguese here with me in the middle of nowhere (really nowhere, but still USPS domestic mail rates) REALLY REALLY needs that book. You could save her from herself.

  281. ooh ooh! Pick me! Pick me! Just for the novelty alone. Although, then I’d have to start a collection of Lawson in random languages but who doesn’t need one of those?

  282. If Justine Timberlake had jumped out and shared the reading it would be a different story. Wardrobe mal-function, or? To the ladies walking out: get back in there.

  285. they didn’t know what they were getting into
    But we know and love you Jenny. I’ve never had a desire for a book in a language I couldn’t even read, but would love to be considered for one of yours.

  288. Hey, I’d love one of these!! I have a friend whose daughter speaks Portugese and she has some of the same, um, “personality variances” as you do (said in the nicest possible way, of course). She’d really love to read your book…I loved it so I know she’d love it…and I totally know that she’s fluent in Portugese, so you could feel really good about the fact that your Portugese version is being put to really good use.

  290. Do people that speak Portuguese realize that Jenny Lawson is your name and not the cat’s name? Because the arrow from your name is totally pointing to the cat.

  293. Two reasons your Portuguese book would be great for me: I bought my English copy of your book on my kindle so I need a signed copy from you in some form and I need to force my husband to get me a new bookcase, so I have to make the old one overflow. This should about do it.

  295. I would love to get a Portuguese signed copy, because monkeys! And mostly because I’m Portuguese and I speak Portuguese all day (no kidding). I have already it in English, but I’m so reading it again in Portuguese if you send me a signed copy! 🙂

  296. I want a signed Portuguese copy!!! No reason other than to brag to people cause that would be awesome!!

  297. My friends new (and lovely!) wife is from Argentina, and speaks portuguese, and I would give your book to her. I don’t think she knows about you yet since she’s only lived here for a year. Also, she’s nursing their baby and will not be concerned about what may or may not be your nipple.

  298. Accidental non nip slips happen… it isn’t like your ladybusiness was hanging out.
    Btw, my mom loves her mother-related thank you card purchased from your shop.

  299. I’d love a copy. It would make no sense to me but I have a few Brazilian friends I could impress. They teach me about waxing, I give them this book. Fair trade? I think not but I’m a giver so it’s all good.

  302. You would think they would be used to cow talk in Texas. I should know, I now live in TX.

  303. Watching Doctor Who last night, finally getting through Season 7, pt 2, WHEN TWINE IS PULLED FROM HIS POCKET!!!

    Rewind, watch again.
    Rewind, watch again.
    Giggle nonstop.

    Now, to watch the remaining 5 episodes before Saturday’s 50th anniversary episode.
    Have tickets to watch it in 3D at a local movie theater.
    Pretty well ready to die from excitement.

  304. Cow vagina…possible nip slip…and people walked out?!? You were at a conference for women! That’s all great women-only material right there.

    That book cover is awesome!

  305. we staged a show, once when i was in college, about a man literally going nowhere. he spent the entire play trying to keep in place on a huge turntable that was turned by hand by about 9 people who sat on the floor on mattresses. the mattresses were really in case he fell off. the point of this seemingly random comment is that there were several rather objectionable scenes in the play, and each night we would take bets on who would get the most audience walk-outs, jim with his piss on the cross speech, or the point when mary-jane killed her baby. so you see, it could have been much worse.

  306. Oh Oh Oh! Pick me!!! If you can get it to Canada that is. My best friends are Portugese and this would be a fantastic birthday present for her!!!!
    I peed my pants reading your book and want to pass the gift on!

  307. I am not currently feeling witty, nor energetic enough to write a comment that wants to be witty but is really just trying a little too hard. But I would enjoy owning a copy of your book in any variety of random languages. Or even just a piece of notebook paper with a picture of your cat drawn on it, really. I suspect that would also make a good conversation piece.

  309. My college Portuguese teacher would be so proud if I started studying Portuguese again. I think your book is the only hope of that ever happening. So, it’s all up to you now.

  310. Oh!!! I’d love to read your book in my native language! I hope I’m random enough to get it!!

  313. I would love to get a copy of this!! For two reasons: A) I love your blog, and B) I actually speak a little Portuguese so this would be a great way for me to find out if I can read it too!!

  314. It’s interesting to see how book covers change between countries. I wonder how marketing decides what will work best with each country and why?

  315. Well, I guess it would depend on whether or not you moved around or swayed while you were reading, because then your (supposed) nipple would really be talented and be moving in time!

  316. Jenny! I totally have to have a copy!!! I can only imagine how my Portuguese mother’s face is going to contort when she hears me practice my very bad Portuguese while reading your book aloud to her. She’s gonna die! I wonder if there is a Portuguese amazon that will deliver to Canada…hmmmm.

  318. Love the story, love the book (lent to me by nieces and brother-in-law who knew that I would “get it” just like them), and love all my Brazilian friends. No kidding…I actually work with a ton of people in Curitiba, Brazil and would really appreciate having a signed copy to share with them, so they could finally understand who they’re dealing (I mean “working”) with.

  322. I want to dress up all the dead animals in my husband’s office. I showed him pics of yours. He said no. I am sad. I totally think a buffalo in a top hat would be kinda cute.
    Can I send you my english version of your book and get it signed?

  326. OMG OMG!!! Give it to meeeee!!! First of all I am portuguese! So i totally would understand the book, in portuguese :P!!! Second I’m your FAN, love your blog, makes me smile every time!
    So, of course, i would love your book. And being portuguese, and loving your book, i would tell it to all my friends to buy it, and they would love it, and then they would told their friends to buy it… and so on.
    And just because of giving the book to me you would had a major best seller in Portugal, and in Brazil (i have lots of brazilian friends)!!!!

  327. That was TOTALLY the microphone I’m sure. Or your mystery third nipple. WE WILL NEVER KNOW.

  329. Omg. So much win in one post!

    Vagina AND nipple! It made me think of an old greek statue in here. Or a porno. One of those

  331. One of my very favorite colleagues is an anthropologist who is works often in Brazil and speaks fluent Portuguese, so I plan to tell her to RUN OUT AND BUY YOUR BOOK and then translate it for me (though I already have a copy in English, so I could really just read that again instead. Okay, nevermind. Except now I am going to tell her to read your book. In either language.) You ROCK!

  332. I want it just because I have learned that people are impressed if you own books in different languages–they automatically assume that you are really smart…or at least, that has been my experience.

  334. I just love your posts FYI, they are such a splash of awesome in my day. But please don’t randomly pick me for that book since I cannot read Portuguese, and would, therefore, need to use the book as a coaster for the coffee table that I don’t own. It would be a waste of quality literature. (And an unneeded jab about my lack of coffee table)

  335. Yo quiero! (Is that Porteguese or did I just order a Flamin’ Dorito Burrito from Taco Bell?)

  336. My daughter got a “Walking Dead “comic book in Italian when she was in Rome, just because she could. So, in this family, getting a Portuguese book is not a question of why, but why not?

  337. I haven’t read all the other posts, because. I don’t have a reason. I just wanted to tell you that I am SO proud of you for 1) leaving the safety of your home, 2) going to a place filled with people, 3) standing up in front of them, and 4) actually being able to speak!

  338. Woohoo! I could use your book to learn Portuguese. And… that’s a pretty perky not-nipple.

  339. thank you for organizing your books by color. it is the only way that makes sense to me.

  342. Okay, I’m totally envious of all of you who got to go see Jenny at the conference!! How fantastic!!

  344. ME! I WANT ONE! And also, I read that entire first sentence as “karaoke” instead of “keynote” and I didn’t even think it was weird.

  345. Nice try, Jenny, but WE TOTALLY KNOW that’s your faux nipple showing. We know you couldn’t resist screwing with everyone’s minds by wearing it to the conference.

  347. We actually had a speaker at school yesterday and from the angle I was sitting the microphone looked like a Hitler stache on the lady speaking. I noticed this during a very serious part of her speech. I have terrible timing.

  349. I don’t think any of the ladies could reasonably have thought that was your nipple, it’s practically on your shoulder! But what do I know.

    But I guess if it was a nipple, it would’ve been best for it to have been your “one good” one!

  350. Oddly enough I took two semesters of Portuguese in college. I needed to fulfill my foreign language credits and was told all the dumb football and basketball players took Portuguese so I should take it because it’s easy. All the jocks did take the class. It still wasn’t easy.

  352. I totally love the nipple thing by the way. But just so you know. YOU ARE AWESOME. Because I read your book and I too, have anxiety and social anxiety and just knowing that you can go up ON A STAGE in front of people is really really cool. I can hardly talk to new people and since my friends already know me, there really the only people I talk too. However, there was a new kid in class today and I’m pretty sure I sounded crazy because he actually talked to me first! Anyway my friend talked to him later in the day during school and says he’s cool and because of this post (because of you!) I’m very encouraged to talk to him. I’m actually encouraged to meet a new person. So just wanted to say, thank you. So today, I blame you, for making me a little more social. Which is actually not so terrible

  353. I always wondered how to get rid of my stage-fright while giving a speech or presentation. I never thought to tell stories about about semi-zoophilic experiences or flash the audience. This is why you’re famous and I’m not, I suppose. In all seriousness though (well, maybe not ALL seriousness – I reserve that only for funerals or ordering large quantities of chocolate. Because having vast amounts of chocolate delivered to my house is a very serious matter) congratulations on being a keynote speaker!

  354. I would love your book in Portuguese and I would even learn how to spell that without help if I won.

  356. I award thee Band Name o’ the Day for “Wonky Nipple.” For some reason, I’d like to think that it’s an Oompah band. Or perhaps they play death metal and wear kilts.

  357. “I’m worried that thousands of women think I was intentionally showing off my one good nipple. I would never do that, y’all. Because I’m a lady.”

    This statement made my day.

  358. I was at that conference and didn’t notice anything nipple-y afoot at the time, but I am 100% going to start telling people that you flashed me.

  359. I was also at the conference and saw you take out that chupacabra, thereby saving hundreds, if not thousands, of conference attendees. My takeaway? Bovina.

  361. For the first time in my life I want to be John Travolta’s character in Phenomenon.

    Since I’m not, I’ll pass on winning the book so someone who could actually read it has a better chance. But had to say that this post cracked me up.

  363. I totally need a copy in Portuguese. ..would be a great gift for my son’s girlfriend. She’s an international tax attorney ( yawn ), so I know she can use a laugh, and I’m sure as hell not giving her mine.

  366. This might be the most random reason ever for wanting a book written in Portuguese that you have sitting on your bookshelf in English but here it goes… Once upon a time (roughly 2-4 years ago), I lived in Brazil where I adopted a black cat. There’s a great story about how the shelter kindly informed me that his name was a racial epithet and me trying to explain in broken Portuguese why it was not cool for an American diplomat to call her cat by that name but that’s neither here nor there for this comment. It is, however, sufficient to say that despite the cat’s eventual immigration to the U.S., the running joke in my family will forever be that he meows in Portuguese. As such, I think I need to embrace my crazy cat lady status by being able to read your crazy animal stories in his native language. That and I love the cover.

  367. I would give a copy to my Brazilian friend who speaks Portuguese… And let’s assume reads it too. I was at the conference and you did a great job during both of your talks and I never saw anything that I would mistake for a nipple..

  368. Oh, I would read it with my sister. She has a nice Brazilian husband and a cute little girl and a rad college girl and a cat who got lost in the heating ducts. But she got out. The cat. Anyways. My sister and I would appreciate improving our Portuguese with your fine literature.

  369. The book is surely great in any language. But I’d prefer it in Armenian because my son’s girlfriend is Armenian. And her dad is Armenian (makes sense) and he doesn’t really like my son because my son is not Armenian. (I don’t think he’s met my son but I’ve heard things). And you’d think he’d like my son because my son is going to be a doctor, but then he’s a doctor and the girlfriend is going to be a doctor so maybe not so impressive. But I think your book in Armenian would be just the thing to make him realize my son is obviously a prize catch. So, if you get one in Armenian, could you think of me and my son’s future? Thanks.

  371. My last name is Perigo, which in Portuguese is Danger, which makes me Gina Danger. It also makes my husband Dick Danger and my daughter the Girl Wonder. Sadly it’s the only word of Portuguese I know, but still, is that not the best reason to have a book in Portuguese?

  372. I am learning Portuguese, no lie! I own your book in English, so think of what a learning tool this would be. I also have a 16-year-old exchange student and I am sure she would appreciate a piece of American culture in her own language.

  374. I speak fluent Portuguese! I learned it in elementary school and used to speak it with my friends as we sat on the swings. Oh no, that was Pig Latin. Sorry!

  375. So how many languages is your book in now? How many more nations get to understand the awesomeness? Although I think there are some things other nations will never understand. Like the cotton gin confusion. Being from Alabama they were around here too, and I never knew what they were either. However I loved when the trucks carrying the bales of cotton drove down the highway and the little cotton balls flew off into the median. I used to pretend it was snow, because that’s about as close to snow as we got.

  376. Look, those walkouts don’t even know. You could have brought a cow with you and stuck your arm in its vagina* onstage. And did you? No. BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN UNCIVILIZED**. In comparison, reading about it is totally civilized. Like, professional level civility, right there. Imaginary nip slip or no.

    *in her vagina? excuse me, cows, I don’t meant to be rude but also how are you reading this? are you magic? will you be my friend?

    **and also possibly difficult to clear with the organizers. and possibly with the cow.

  378. That shadow placement was perfect. I’m sure your reading was great and entertaining.

    Don’t rule out diarrhea. People are forced to leave concerts and weddings because of such ailments. It could totally have been that they had diarrhea and it had nothing to do with your speaking.

    I wish my brain didn’t go places like this, but it makes sense to me.

  379. Mate, to have a nipple that’s basically up to your neck is the dream. I’d print that picture out and put it on my fridge for inspiration. Nip squats mmm

    Yep, that’s all I’ve taken out of this post. I’m such a dirty teenage boi.

  381. I have a friend who is half Portuguese and speaks it as well. I will have him translate the book to me. I’m sure he has nothing else better to do. I mean, who would pass that opportunity up, seriously??

  383. I am only a lowly stalker, albeit a loyal one, and a huge fan of Juanita Weasel (whose antics, I might add, have been an amazing uplift for a friend who’s husband just lost an important part in a cancer battle) (a relatively important part but she’s been assured that life goes on). Anyway. I have been learning Portuguese (or Portugues, in Portuguese) for a long time, and have wonderful friends in Rio (a natureopath should you ever need one – if you ever get crazy enough to go there I can recommend her highly) plus Brazilian friends who live here in Seattle (musician types, as in latin grammy nominees for jazz) who would LOVE to help me translate this book (because I talk a good game on FB and all but it’s all due to Google Translate).
    Ahem. I’ve read it in English, would love to attempt it in Portugeus. (no e on the end if you’re being real) (and I am)
    thank you very much. and all in all, I respect your writing and humor and I appreciate your sharing your thoughts and demons and zaniness and craziness and loves and some of the intimacies of your life and struggles as a way to clear your head and keep your path and at the same time possibly make someone else see that they are not, truly, crazy, but just a wonderful addition to the human race.
    Good job.

  386. My good friend is from brazil and speaks Portuguese with her children. Not that I recommend the entire book for her kids, but her daughter is getting old enough to learn about cow vaginas…. If she hasn’t already. They moved to Lubbock a few years ago…. Anything is possible in Texas. (I’m from San Antonio. I know!)

  387. HUUUUGE fan…. I live in Miami but I’m Brazilian. I’ve read your book in English and LOOOOVE it and would love to get a copy in Portuguese… I can let you know if anything was not translated right… 😉

  388. I want one because I speak & teach Spanish! I would love to use it to show my students that books are actually published in other languages (they are self-absorbed spoiled suburban children). It would be great to have them use the book to find the differences/similarities between spanish & portuguese. Oh the possibilities!

  390. Gosto de ler e falar o portugues. (I enjoy reading and speaking Portuguese). And a signed copy sounds awesome.

  393. That doesn’t look like a nipple to me….it looks like somebody was sucking on your neck too long….

  395. Hi Jenny,
    I simply loved your book which I stumbled upon accidently and I have been following your blog ever since. Its really inspiring to read about the ups and down of your life and how you managed to write about it with such humour. Even though I can sene the pain behind the words at the end it leaves me feeling inspired and happy. I have also recently started my blog about our experience in dealing with my daughter’s severe eczema at eczema-anindianperspective.com.
    I hope to provide moral support to other parents in similar situations and motivate them to keep trying just like we do. I would love to have your feedback on the same.

    Best wishes,
    Anindita

  396. I’m learning Portuguese in Portugal this year and I would love to have your book! I already have it in English both hardcover and paperback so this would be a great addition and I can use it to write me book report on a book in Portuguese. Also next year I’m going to Spain so if you have a Spanish one laying around I can take that if you run out 😛

  399. One of my high school yearbook pictures was taken while I was wearing a blue shirt. Apparently the blue shirt was the same color as my skin tone, though, because when they turned it to black and white, I appeared to be wearing no shirt.

    I feel you.

  400. My husband is so proud of his Portuguese heritage. I would love to win this book for him!

  401. First thought: Why, I know a Portugese family, I could give it to them and they’d be really surprised and happy!
    Seccond thought: If I were lucky enough to get a copy I’d probably keep it anyway, since it’d be cool to have even though I don’t speek Portugese. Oh well, sorry Portugese family I know, better luck next time.

  402. If I won that book I would keep it with my copy of Pippi Longstocking written in Swedish. I think it’s in Swedish. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I can’t read it anyway. It really confused my kids when they were learning to read, though.

  403. I want the book!!!! I can’t wait to see how some of the stories in the book translate. And now I can send it to my sister that would just love to read it.

  405. Are you sure it wasn’t that stick-on nipple you’ve got, just sneaking in there because it’s missing the limelight?

  408. Were you trying to artificially inseminate the cow? What about the rights of the cow to decide if she wanted to have a baby? Cows of the world unite for your rights to your own vagina! Just say no to woman on woman sex and squeeze those vaginas closed and trap those hands trying to shove sperm into your precious ovi. Bwaa ha ha

  410. I hear you were FABULOUS at the conference! Wish I could have been there….. But oiu vey, I’ll just blame the bloggess since you gave me permission.

    I would love a copy of your book in a language I can’t read. I might help me empathize and feel closer to all those people here that can’t read – and maybe turn me into a caring and giving person – that quits my day job to go work with the illiterate – and then become another Mother Teresa, but they would call me Mother Pat. And then I can just blame you…

    Yea – that’s the plan….. Send me the book. 😉

  411. I was at this conference! you were awesome. I dont know Portugese but if I won a copy of your book I may try to learn!!

  412. Jenny–

    I NEED your book in Portuguese. Not me, but my cousin’s wife…her bro just died on the day of her grandpa’s funeral…I wish I could make that funny so you would laugh and give me the book….but it’s just too tragic.

    However, I KNOW your book would make her laugh and snort and she is Portuguese. That beats Patr’s comment above where they don’t even read the language, right? So, I win? Please.
    Thanks,
    Erin

  413. OMG *-* First of all, I’m feeling left out, all I saw was a smudge, perhaps I should check my glasses again? haha
    Second, oh I loved the cover, and oh boy, I would looove to see just how they managed to translate your stories. Because, really, I fear some things aren’t that easily translated.

  415. Seriously can you start guest speaking at all conferences? Well maybe not -all- conferences – just the ones I go to. I’m telling you, sitting at the back of a conference jet-lagged to buggery wondering if it is out of form to say ‘Excuse me ma’am* is that your nipple?’ in the question and answer session would be so much more fun than sitting at the back of a conference jet-lagged to buggery wondering if it is out of form to simply slump into a coma as the seventeenth out-of-focus lavender on yellow slide hoves into view.

    * ma’am because I am a gentleman, even when asking a stranger about the location of their nipples.

  417. Methinks that the women who got up and left realized that they had some cow vagina related chores that they had forgotten until you mentioned it.
    Keep reaching for the “stars”!

  418. You have to be careful. Cats are known to get big headed from fame, not literally though. I would advise that you take your cat to the nearest vet as soon as possible if it’s head grows in size. See this is why fame can be a dangerous force that shouldn’t be tampered with. But aw a cat with a giant head would be freakin’ adorable. Maybe your cat should embrace the fame after all.

  419. Aaahhhh, I need this book! Especially since it’s not on amazon.com.br and this is probably my only chance to get my hands on one! I see at as a way to improve my Portuguese vocabulary in some very…interesting and unique ways.

  420. Did you know that cats bury their poop to show that there is a dominant cat in the area? When they live with you, YOU are the dominant cat. Fun fact

  421. here I am, randomly commenting, in the hopes of winning a signed book that i can’t read. (fingers crossed!!!)

  422. Wait a minute Bekki, that explains so much. My cat NEVER buries her poop and she stares right into my damn soul as she defiantly leaves the litterbox. I think she is the dominant cat in our relationship, maybe we need therapy…

  423. I actually had the priviledge of hearing you speak at the Texas Conference for Women, and you were amazing! You completely stole the show. People were laughing so hard they were crying!! Kudos to you for being yourself and original. I’m a new, big fan with West Texas ties myself (Lamesa). I’ve told everyone I know about your blog and your book. Both are a treasure!

  425. You know, it wouldn’t even have occurred to me that that might be your nipple if you hadn’t mentioned it. In my experience, nipples are generally on your boobs, not your collarbone… but what do I know, it’s not like my experience is so vast, I’ve only got two.

  426. Maybe in some places, the vagina is a cow’s weapon of choice. God, you wouldn’t not believe the images going through my head right now. I never considered any worse punishment than a trampling the time(s) I got chased by cows.

  427. That “nipple” would have had to have been more than “perky” to get all the way up there!

  428. I would love a signed copy of your book in Portuguese (or anything signed by you). I have loaned out my hard copy, and my paperback with the extra chapter, and often wonder if I’ll ever see them again.

  430. My cousins live in Brazil! I need that book!!!
    Also, your tits are fabulous. Mine were never that perky either — not to mention what happens to them after you nurse!

  432. First of all, just so you know, I have anxiety too. Bad. So I really appreciate your honesty about it and I definitely relate. I was at the conference and I really loved your keynote and the breakout talk. And I know there were thousands of nipples in the area that day, but I saw nary a one so I think you can relax about that. I’m writing because I’m still seriously stressing about that cow. You may have said and I missed it, and they ran out of your book at the conference so I didn’t get one yet in order to find out for sure, but I was hoping you’ll tell me – did you ever get that turkey baster out of her vagina? I’ve been worrying….

  434. I must say, I had a brief moment here where I fantasized about teaching myself portuguese either using your book as something to help or as a motivator. But I have a suspicion that the kind of phrases I might learn from your book might not always be appropriate to say to random bystanders.

    On a side note I’ve been listening to your book on the “talk to text” function of my kindle and have now recently started listening to a humorous book about assassins. It’s a little disconcerting because I keep getting confused about which book I am listening to, and trying to come up with a way to kill someone with death by chocolate cheesecake and then deciding not to because they probably don’t deserve to die that well sounds like something you might say.

  435. WAIT!!!!

    I’m a Brazilian living in Austin who bought and read your book right after it was launched, in my way to vacation in Brazil. I made my husband read it too (and he was hooked after the first pages, so it’s not like I was punishing him).

    We are going to visit family for Christmas in Rio, and my father is ill, and could use some good laughs. I was waiting for the book to be translated to Portuguese, but now I NEED a signed copy! Pretty please?

  436. Adding my own “pick me, pick me!” comment. It would be the perfect random gift for a lawyer in Brazil that I’ve worked with quite a bit over the last few months — and every deal we have worked on has been absolutely hellacious (and not her fault), so the gift of your book would either tell her “I’m so sorry everything we work on turns weird” or make her say “make sure someone else answers the phone when her firm calls next time because I do not want to deal with these crazy people.” Either way, it’s a message that needs to be sent.

  437. I would love a Portuguese edition of your book! I falo the portugues! Also, totes proud of you for going on stage. (Totes is an acceptable word here, right?)

  439. Some of the most amazing stuff is when books are translated into other languages. The covers and titles are almost always more interesting in other countries.

  441. I don’t think it looks like a nipple, but maybe that’s because I have a pure mind. No? And also, I would love a copy of your book in Portuguese. I don’t speak it nor am I likely to learn, and I would much prefer a book in French because I could read that and feel smug, but it’s always fun to have books in random languages on your shelves. It impresses visitors.

  443. i shoved this blog post in my cats face and asked why they weren’t famous. one hissed at me, one ignored me, and one yawned.

    i think they answered my question.

  445. Congrads on the conference – public speaking is tough, and you managed to make it NOT boring!
    P.S. – I would LOVE a copy of your book in another language. I have the English version, but at 44, having and English version AND a Portuguese version might be the right combo for learning a new language. Of course, I’d only be able to say “where is the vagina?” or “have you seen my taxidermied animals?”, but it sure would be fun. 😉

  446. Wouldn’t it be great to have your book in Portuguese in a public library? New Bedford, Massachusetts has a large Portuguese population, and some who have lived there for decades have no English. I would happily try to get your Portuguese translation into the interlibrary loan system. You know, if you like that idea.
    Ta.

  447. I am disappointed in the cover. They used the same picture twice, just changed the tones. Geez Portugal/Brazil/Angola/Guinea-Bissau/East Timor/Macau/Cape Verde/Sao Tome and Principe/Equitoral Guinea. *smh*

  448. I want to buy a case of your book and give to everyone I know because you’re awesome and I love you. I would totally dig even getting it in Portuguese because you never know when someone could be like Yeah, known you for years, of course I speak 17 languages, why don’t you know this about me?

  449. My mom had one of her nipples escape and say hi so the chiropractor while she was having her back worked on.

  451. Omg I know someone who reads portuguese! In other newsi was acurally just looking up your opder post about the elf on the shelf 🙂

  453. Christmas at my house is a competition… A signed copy of your book in Portuguese would definitely be the most phenomenal gift ever for my sister, who gave me your book last year. Thus making me the winner of Christmas.

  454. I actually speak Portuguese! If you give it to me, I promise to laugh like crazy and love you even more!

  455. Tambem eu posso te falar se e boa a traduccao! (I can also tell you if your book is correctly translated, seeing as how I am a translator myself!) Eu te adoro, Jenny!

  456. I am planning on learning Portuguese by osmosis so I believe your book would be a fantastic start to that process. Soon I hope to regale others of getting hands caught up cow vagina’s in many many languages. I feel it’s a story worth knowing,

  457. I’ve been telling my Portuguese Water Dogs how funny your blogs are but they don’t seem to get it. Maybe they would understand it better in Portuguese?

  458. If i win a book, promise not to sign it using your “not a nipple”. Whatever that thing is.

  459. I want it, because some assholes stole everything from me in Paris, INCLUDING MY SIGNED COPY OF YOUR BOOK!
    I cry over it. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. All the clothes, jewelry, money, iPhone? Fuck it. THEY STOLE MY SIGNED COPY OF YOUR BOOK!
    🙁
    I don’t even care that it’s in Portuguese. I know Spanish and French, and I will LEARN PORTUGUESE FOR YOU!

  460. I have Portuguese neighbors who think I am more than a little strange maybe if I gave them one of your books for Christmas instead of the usual cookies they would understand me a little better….or trash my truck….it could really go either way couldn’t it?

  461. As someone who lives with anxiety i find all the things you do especially inspiring and brave! I hope that i will one day overcome my anxiety and be able to feel comfortable and confident speaking in front of as many people as you do!

  462. My cat can read Portuguese so I TOTALLY need a copy! Plus, I LOVE the third nipple – my hubby and two of my sons have tiny ones…I’m kinda jealous!!!

  464. Love you and your book! Part of the reason that I related to your book, aside from it being hysterically funny, was because it reminded me of my Portuguese family. A signed Portuguese copy of your book would make my Christmas.

  465. You seriously get the best mail! I only get credit card statements… and sometimes my neighbor’s Korean language religious magazine, by accident. Or maybe it isn’t an accident. Maybe she thinks I need Jesus. I dont know.

  466. I lived in Portugal for two years, aged 8-9, and now I hardly remember more than four words. But…you know…if I had a book to read I might take it up again.
    Probably not but you never know!

  469. My husband and I *loved* your book. We’re trying to learn Portuguese, and I can’t think of a better way than using your book!

  471. Ok, so although I am admittedly not totally fluent in Portuguese, but I did learn to sing “Yellow Polka Bikini” from a Brazilian exchange student during high school. This party trick has gotten me through more uncomfortable situations than I care to discuss. I would love to learn a few awkward stories in Portuguese to add to this repertoire.

  474. Would love a copy in Portuguese to send to my sis-in-law in Brazil who is actually down there researching for medical advancement and all that good stuff while I sit here and research why my cat likes waking me up with a paw in the face. 🙂

  476. I have a good friend who LOVES your work and has never met you, and to give this to him would be almost as good as giving him a chance to meet you. Almost. Because Copernicus has to be seen to be believed.

  478. I wish I could be half as funny as you! I bet you entertained that crowd great, no matter what they were looking at!

    I’m studying Portuguese right now, how cool would it be to study it with your book–I’m sure I’d learn some words that aren’t in my study books! Ha

    Obrigada!

  479. I would love a copy of the book in Portuguese. I would give it to my dad’s new wife who is Brazilian and who I need to have a better relationship with.

  480. I’d love to receive that book. I’ve a friend from Brazil who could use a lesson in appreciating funny intelligent women.

  481. I would totally give it as a Christmas gift to my Brazilian friend! Or maybe I’d keep it for myself so I can read both books side-by-side and learn Portuguese to impress her. But I’d only be able to say funny things in Portuguese since that’s all I’d learn from your book.

  485. Hey…I say let your ONE GOOD NIPPLE FLAG FLY!!

    Can’t believe I missed this damn conference this year. And I freaking live here.

  486. Oh my god, I want the book in Portuguese so much! Of course, this comment is two days late, so, as per usual, I’ve missed the boat. But I’m saving up to buy One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish in French (there’s a story, I promise, and not that it’s all that expensive, but, bills) and the Portuguese book seems like it could make friends (or maybe babies?) with the French Dr. Seuss on my shelf.

  488. Sadly, “that’s not my nipple” is actually something I, too, have had to proclaim. In fact, as it turns out, when we were just friends, my now-boyfriend once thought he was having a good ol’ perve at my nipple. No. In actuality he was having a good ol’ perve at an old self harm scar that just happened to be round and a pinker shade than my normal skin colouring there.

    I’m not sure if that’s a walking advertisement on why you shouldn’t self harm in ways that make your scars appear as nipples, or why you shouldn’t perve at nipples in case they turn out to be self harm scars. Either way, you’re welcome, world.

  489. The other day a (female) student told me couldn’t take her sweater off in class (note: she did have a shirt on underneath. I don’t know why I felt the need to note that, but I did so there) because she stopped shaving for Movember. There were no nip slips or clothing malfunctions though. This is the same class that loves to celebrate sexy Friday.
    I love this class.

  491. What? Are you bucking for savior of the month? Taking on all the blame and THEN GIVING STUFF AWAY?! PS You can tell it’s Portuguese if there is a lot of saliva on the pages.

  492. I did not initially comment because I don’t speak Portuguese. But my friend Kay, who does speak Portuguese and would LOVE your book, also won’t comment because 488 people is too much competition. I say that’s foolishness and would love the opportunity to give her your book in Portuguese as a gift, by which I mean a big fat I-told-you-so.

  495. Wow – I’d LOVE a copy of this book. I have a rich Portugese heritage and I could read it with my grandmother. She could stand to learn a few things…

    Actually I’m lying, I just like to win free shit.

  496. Well, if it had been your nipple, Texas women should be cool enough to deal with that! Hey, you could send me a copy of your book in Portugeuse! My daughter works for the State Department and she speaks/reads Portugeuse after doing a stint in Brazil for a few years.

  497. my sister lived in Sao Paulo for 5 years and actually speaks portugese (and presumably can read it). I have your book and love it and the only reason I haven’t loaned it to here is that we live on opposite sides of Australia. As you have recently been here, you get what I am saying. So I would LOOOOOVE a copy to give her. Make her practice her portugese!

  498. I’ve read your book. (In English.) Twice.

    I think it would be the perfect manual for learning Porchoogeez. Because I can’t even spell it without scrolling back up, and I’m a GD spelling champion. (Thank you, fourth grade.)

    But seriously, even if all I can ever manage in that language is to quote random bits from your book, I will be remembered. Perhaps arrested, depending on which bits I blurt, but definitely remembered. And that’s all I ever really wanted…

  500. My boyfriend speaks Portuguese. I need this so I can feel like I’ve started Christmas shopping for him already.

  501. Thousands of disappointed men everywhere, “Damn you bloggess for not showing us your one good nipple.” Ok my count is probably off and it is way higher than that. Anyway enough talk about nipples, don’t get to say that sentence often enough. I would love a portugese copy of your book!

  502. I’m Brazilian and I must say… That cover art is awesome!
    And I’m very happy they didn’t screw up your title – it actually says “Let’s pretend this never happened” in Portuguese. Yay! You may not know this, but in Brazil, they (they as the people who translate movies and books titles and I’ve got no idea what they were thinking) have a very special way of changing the titles to something completely different. Very creative people.

  503. Is that even a question? OF COURSE I WANT A SIGNED BOOK IN PORTUGUESE. And don’t feel bad. Sometimes I talk about cow vaginas in inappropriate situations, and I don’t even have any fun stories about them.

  504. I saw this title to this post, and I will now use it as an attempt to get out of any situation.
    Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
    Me: I assure you, that was not my nipple….

    Student Loan Officer: I am calling you about the frequent non-payments made of the outstanding loan…
    Me: I assure you, that was not my nipple.

    I think this will work.

  505. I would love to win a copy!

    Also, that would be like the highest sitting nipple ever, almost a throat nipple. Sexy.

  507. I speak Portuguese and would LOVE to have my Brazilian coworkers read your work!! If you have any copies left, I’d love to have one!

  508. I’d like to know what preparation you were given about any potential sensitivities in the audience. For a start, I was taught that cows had udders. It’s shocking news to me that they have vaginas so now I am off to therapy. ALSO, what treatment was the cow given after your sexual abuse, (even if unintended). I imagine that isn’t a usual experience for a cow. Did she continue to produce calves or was the abuse such that she refused any bull thereon, even promisingly bullish ones? In a recent case here in the SW of UK, train passengers were shocked to see a man in the act of entering a goat. The man was caught and identified as result of the nifty farmer who, tipped off that the field had an intruder, followed with a little plastic bag. The goat was traumatised though and backed away from everyone. I thought you’d like to know this. Love your blogs. x

  509. It would be cool to have a Portuguese then I might actually try to learn Portuguese, or not because I’m not that dedicated.

  510. I never know if I’ve missed my chance at your random generosity. Alas.
    But I’m posting because you’re awesome in any language. 🙂

  511. I may have missed the boat on this one… but I am actually trying to teach myself Portuguese right now because I’m moving to Brazil in a few months. I already have your book on tape (shout out to Audible.com, which I luuurve) so it would be perfect to listen and translate!
    Pick me please!!

  512. I got your book for my sister for her birthday last year. Of course, I read it before I gave it to her. At her birthday dinner, i pulled it out, and read the chapter where your father had his hand up the squirrel (was it a squirrel? Now I cant remember). Anyway, i was laughing so hard as I read it that I was crying. I am not sure if the Portuguese version would have the same effect on me, but, strictly in the name of science, I feel compelled to test that theory if I am chosen as the lucky recipient of “Vamos fazer de contah…”
    Thank you.

  513. I probably missed this opportunity, too, so I may have to actually buy your book in Portuguese. Portuguese was one of my majors as an undergrad, and I’m sure I never read anything nearly as entertaining.

  514. I just built a library in my house. So if you pick me, it would be like giving a puppy to an awesome family that lives on a farm and has lots of little bunny rabbits to chase and fresh air and kids with fishing poles and the occasional badger. Seriously, it can live right next to the signed Vonnegut first edition or the chewed on paperback of Superfudge, your choice.

  515. I know I’m late to the party but when you said your “one good nipple” it made me think of Patty the Daytime Hooker (Dale Dickey) from My Name Is Earl when she was trying to hook up with a guy who turned out to be gay. When explaining how it all went wrong, she said “Hell, I even pulled out my good boob!”

    You’re welcome.

  517. Wow, congrats on the Portuguese version! I’m fluent in Portuguese and would love a copy, great motivation for me to keep up my language skills (though I’m not sure how one would explain large metal chickens at the front door…)!

  518. I would love a copy! My best friend is Portuguese and it would be awesome if I could just randomly send this to her in the mail with no return address and see how long it takes her to figure out what the heck is going on :-)…Best christmas present ever!

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