I can’t go back to prison.

in Random Crap

So, Victor yelled at me when he read my post yesterday because he said that the conversation we had last week about airplane-murder-eavesdropping was much better than the post I wrote yesterday about airplane-murder-eavesdropping and now we’re having a fight about who has a better story about airplane-murder-eavesdropping.  These are the arguments that normal people have all the time, probably.  Regardless, I’m sharing this today so that you can see why Victor and I have stayed married for 17 years even though we’re both sort of insane.  Feel free to skip this.  I’m on too little medication to know what I’m doing right now.

Conversation I had with Victor on google-chat while he was flying home after he was pissed because I missed eight of his calls and hadn’t read any of the emails he’d sent me:

me:  AAARGH.  DON’T YELL AT ME.  I feel like I’m fucking up everything and I can’t even tell what I’m fucking up because I’m fucking things up too badly to remember how badly I’m fucked them up.

Victor: No worries.  I have a list.  What’s your fax number?

me:  You know I don’t have one.  I’m not even technologically prepared to be yelled at properly.

Victor:  I created an outline and powerpoint of all the ways you’ve dissapointed the family.

Your sister and parents were involved.

We had to ask Microsoft to extend the number of supported slides.

me:  Is there animation?

Victor:  No animation.  This is serious.  

I sent it to you in email already, but don’t worry. You won’t ever read it so it’s all good.

me: *sigh*

 Victor:  It does have a picture of a cat that says “Hang in there” though.

But that’s at the end.

me:  If you had told me there was a cat picture I would have opened it.

Next time, lead with the cat picture.

Victor:  Can I call you with a cat picture from now on so you won’t ignore me anymore?

me:  I left the phone in the car and didn’t realize it wasn’t with me.  Maybe just staple my phone to my neck so I’ll always have it with me?

Victor:  Get google glass so it’s always on your head.

me:  That looks stupid.

I’d rather do neck staples.

Victor:  I use google glass.

me:  I know.

Victor:  Cell phone stapled to your neck: giving you cancer, making your neck hurt, and generally irritating everyone?

me:  I already do most of those anyway.

Victor:  Seriously though. I love you and am glad you are home.

So that I can criticize what you are doing.

me:  I love you too even though I’m going to murder you for yelling at me when I already feel fragile and stupid.  I need you to look over my murder plan when you get home though because I think I probably did it wrong.

Victor:  Did you cite references correctly? Because I don’t truck with peeps who cant follow AP guidelines.

me:  All my references are from wikipedia.  So, yeah.  It’s pretty untouchable.

Victor:  You should probably get one of those fancy report binders that indicate a complete lack of substance in the paper. Just in case you need some extra credit.

me:  I have one.  It has a unicorn on it.

And it’s printed on pastel paper with poofy clouds in the background.

Victor:  Clear plastic is the move, dufus.

me:  But then you can’t see the unicorn.

Victor:  Unicorns are for chumps.

me:  Take it back.  Take it back now.

Victor:  I’ve never gotten a job with a resume bound in a unicorn folder.

me:  Too bad.  You could have been Pluto by now.

The guy dressed as a dog at Disneyland, that is.

Not the planet.

Victor:  Pluto’s not a planet.  Minus 10 points.

Better find some clear plastic.

me:  UNICORNS ARE PERFECT AND PLUTO IS A PLANET.  ARE YOU TRYING TO GET A DIVORCE??

Victor:  Oh, that reminds me.  For the murder you also need clear plastic.  And pick up some pickles.  That’s was in one of my many emails you ignored.

me:  Oh, there will be pickles.  (There’ll Be Pickles would be a great sequel to There Will Be Blood.)

Victor:  I am pretty sure my google glass are flying the plane.  Kinda scared to turn them off at this altitude, just in case the pilot isn’t ready.

me:  You think he’s stealing the wifi on your glasses for google maps?

Victor:  Hope not, otherwise all the airports he looks up will have yelp ratings and crap.

Hey, look. I’m the mayor of the lavatory.

me:  I think it’s called “loo” on a plane.

Victor:  Nope. I just checked in and it’s the lavatory.

me:  Is there a window in there?  There was one in Air New Zealand.  Felt creepy.  Why do you need a window in a bathroom?

Victor:  So they can smoke. Convicts, you know?

me:  That’s a terrible generalization.  Besides, you don’t smoke convicts.  They’re better in stew.

Victor:  Who the fuck is making stew in the airplane bathroom?

me:  You mean “the lavatory“?

Victor:  This guy next to me keeps reading our chat.

me:  Did he read where we buried the body??

Victor:  I’m going to stab him in his eye if he does it again.

me:  Seriously, if he read about you-know-what then you need to track him down and make sure he doesn’t make it home.

I’m not going back to jail again.

Victor:  We can’t ever go back to jail again.

 

257 thoughts on “I can’t go back to prison.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. You and Victor need to have every single conversation on Google Chat. That, or have a stenographer follow you both around all the time. Except the stenographer would probably get PTSD or hives or malaria or something, so maybe that’s not such a good idea. Stick to Google Chat. Thanks.

  6. I got married on Saturday and our conversations on Google chat are only half as fucked up as yours are.

    I think maybe I jumped the gun.

  8. Y’all could write self help books!!
    I know I’d read them!!
    Hilarious!!

  9. Awesomesauce. (Better for Thanksgiving than cranberry sauce, fewer calories). And I thought my husband and I had the weirdest conversations.

  15. What’s awesome is that if you read this post first, you scroll right into the last post which says “AND THAT’S WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER READ OVER SOMEBODY ELSE’S SHOULDER.”

    Bitches.

  18. I love you both. Can I come stay with you over thanksgiving? I will hide the bodies. But possibly also read over your shoulder.

  19. He’s full of shit – you totally read your emails, you replied back to me after all! (which still amazes me btw)

    Also tell him it’s spelled “doofus” and he is dumb. But you should probably phrase it from you instead of me.

  20. My boyfriend and I keep having public conversations about which of us will kill the other first and whether we should check to see if our lists of handy ravines in which to throw the body match, because one of us might have a better ravine listed than the other does. He also says it’s okay for him to publicly threaten to kill me, because if something suspicious did happen to me, he’d be the first suspect anyway, and this will just throw the authorities off.

  21. This was awesome, I stop reading so I could finish laughing and catch my breath before moving on. I wish I could be a fly on your wall. Oh the things I would hear!

  22. Oh my dear Jenny! I am with Doreen here, and I am freaking out that I am the second comment. did the world end and I missed it? Just after Doreen commented?

    You and Victor are my idols.

  23. Wow, you and Victor remind me so much of my husband and I, except we probably have more f-bombs. My daughter is 13 and swear words are hysterical to her, so we can’t even have a decent fight anymore because of the laughter of our child.

  24. If my husband spoke English better, we would have very nearly this conversation. Fortunately, we are able to save face by randomly lapsing into German, Spanish or French (me), and Russian, Turkish, and Uzbek (him). Gotta love multicultural crazy.

  25. Yall have the best relationship. My own is very similar. I mean, it’s totally normal to discuss killing the family pet for tacos, right?

  31. This makes me inordinately happy. Because I just finished having an entire pun war having to do with hair dye with the man I adore and I HOPE to be doing this 17 years from now.

    So thanks, you have multiplied my happy with your crazy silliness with Victor. The couple that laughs together is just inherently more awesome than anyone else. 😛

  33. Wow! A connection like that is incredible. Thanks for giving the rest of us hope. And all I want is a date with a guy.

  35. Does Victor have an award winning blog? Does anyone read ANYTHING HE EVER WRITES? Until then he should just shut up.
    Just shutting up is actually the key to staying married, as long as it’s the OTHER person who actually shuts up.

  37. I couldn’t post the g-chat conversations my husband and I have due to certain laws and state boundaries. I am surprised the NSA hasn’t knocked on the door yet.

    Your relationship is perfectly, awesomely normal. 🙂

  39. Every reason I love you and am jealous of Victor in one post. Or is that every reason I love you and am jealous of Victor? You’re both so cool that I can’t really tell anymore.

  41. This makes me feel better about the time hubs and I argued over whether or not we could buy a used hearse as the family car. I was against it.

  42. Goddamned fabulous is what that was. Fabulous.

    Yet again you’ve made me squeak and wheeze (with laughter…no dirty ideas!) at work. Dammit.

  44. I love you both, and your super-healthy relationship. I aspire to have that with MY husband in 17 years. In the mean time … Please adopt me. I would be an AWESOME big sister for Hailey, and I don’t require much parenting work (seeing as how I’m 30 and married).

  45. ARRGH!!!!

    That was supposed to be, “Or is that every reason I love Victor and am jealous of YOU.” I can’t even misremember who I’m jealous of anymore.

  46. Call Hollywood. I’m pretty sure they’d jump at the chance to make “There’ll Be Pickles” a film.

  49. On the floor. Dead.
    You too are magic on Christmas Day…. make that Halloween in a good eat-a-lot-of-candy-kind-of-way!
    Pure magic. Ha!
    Ha!
    Ha!

  51. I think I pretty much love Victor for this exchange: “Did you cite references correctly? Because I don’t truck with peeps who cant follow AP guidelines.”

  52. Just when I thought you were the funniest person on the planet, you introduce me to Victor. Together, you are the best people in the solar system.

  53. You and Victor are my inspiration. I’m not saying for what. Plausible deniability and all.

  55. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This post made me feel slightly less stabby today. My only coworker today has been playing bad karaode versions of ABBA all day and singing along. I finally couldn’t stand it any more and asked her to stop singing and to please turn the volume down…she stopped singing and turned the volume slightly down…then she started whistling along. It’s like she’s begging me to cut her heart out with a spoon.

  59. I’m at work. WORK! And I just spit Diet Coke all over my desk.

    I love y’all. Seriously.

  62. I fuckin love u.. lets cook criminals together in a basement of a prop house for Walking Dead.

  63. I think you would be able to take the PowerPoint presentation more seriously if he included animation. It lends credibility to the information.

    Just remember to have everything fly in from the side and have the whooshing sound. That’s the secret to it all.

  64. I think you two married to each other is saving the lives of two other people and that you have the best worst relationship ever — next to mine and my husband’s. My husband was the guy sitting next to Victor, btw. You should see what we Google chatted about you guys.

  65. I think Victor and my husband are the same person. Are you sure Victor doesn’t have a secret wife and kids in NJ? Come to think of it, my husband does travel a lot.

  66. I want to live with you and Victor so I can sit and listen to you two banter. You made my day with this. I can’t stop grinning. 🙂

  67. You two really need to turn your conversations into a screenplay. Or, better yet, a theatrical performance piece. Seriously. Think about it. Theater of the Absurd. By the Bloggess and Victor. SRO!

  69. Please let me know when and where you are flying next so I can book a seat next to you. I really want to read over your shoulder. That would be way better than watching the airplane movie.

  70. I love you, I love Victor, and I love you and Victor.

    You two almost make me want to get married.

    That’s a compliment.

  71. So….Victor has Google Glass? Can he hook a girl up?

    You guys have a great relationship. I am going to start working on a disappointment slideshow for my hubs now. I’ll start with the kitten. Good tip.

    (He’s building some sort of thing for them so he has to have them. I dunno. I get confused. ~ Jenny)

  73. I read this like a cat watching a tennis game, except not a cat because I have a headache and they never look pained. More like a rabbit, a mournful rabbit with a happy pom pom tail.

    Also, do you know about cleaning up blood? Our cocker spaniel split a nail and despite having crawled around on my knees to clean it up, I keep finding smears. It feels wrong to know there is more blood I’ve missed.

  74. There was a Calvin and Hobbes strip in which Calvin turned in a bad report in a professional, clear plastic binder. He didn’t get any bonus points for it, so I’m not certain where Victor was going with that. But on the plus side, you guys do have the best conversations.

  77. So relieved to know there are others out there, sending this to Hubby immediately so he knows I’m not really the “crazy” one.

  79. I wonder if the guy reading your chat went home and told someone about what he read. And then that person read this blog and showed him. And then he was all like ‘hey, that’s me they’re talking about. How dare they invade my privacy’, because he doesn’t understand irony or whatever.

  80. “I don’t truck with peeps who can’t follow AP guidelines” is the best thing I’ve read all day. Granted, I’ve been reading the same fucked-up technical report all day. But even if I had been reading something good, I’m pretty sure this would be better.

  82. You guys should have a reality show. I would totally watch that…heck, I’d Payton watch that! Of course, it would have to be on HBO or FX to allow for the cussing and drug use…which as a fellow crazie I totally support!

  84. This terrifies me because it is totally a conversation I would have with my husband. But, as they say, the couple that goes to jail together…wait, never mind.

  85. Y’all are adorably priceless!! Perfect for each other right down to the gory marrow of your bones! thanks for the afternoon giggle.

    Have a fantastic monday afternoon!

  86. Victor needs a fleet of unmarried brothers. You could give them out to people who comment on this post. I want one. I want Victor’s nerdy, single, 30-something, gainfully employed brother. I’m willing to relocate.

  88. I love you both, your love will never die. Because you sound very much like my hubby and me. As long as you grok each other, you have the healthiest relationship possible.

  90. My husband and I used to talk like this, but he started to take these sorts of conversations too seriously. It’s the only thing I miss about him.

  92. I love you both! Did you know that year 17 in a marriage is where the largest amount of divorces take place? I survived it and am on my 30th. You and Victor are soulmates.
    Happy Thanksgiving! Do you stuff your turkey and keep it around til Xmas?
    Brenda

  94. It is a little scary how alike some of the conversations between my husband and I are to the ones between you two. Not sure if that is reassuring for either of us though.

  95. OMG. I just died of laughter. That was awesome. You two are awesome. I wish I had friends like you in real life.

  97. I totally agree that he should have started that with the cat picture – why else would you look at a presentation if not for the cat?

  98. You make me happy when you share Your discussions with Victor because in my brain, I think it’s normal for all couples to talk like this. My family thinks this is very abnormal but my hubby and I often have conversations like this (ok, well maybe there is more cursing and we might call each other some randomly affectionate terms that are more acceptable in Europe). I think it means you’re truly meant to be. ;). Lol.

  100. I hope you’re keeping a record of all this snappy dialogue for your TV show. You two could wipe the floor with Aaron Sorkin any day!

  102. I’m not sure the world has ever had a more perfect couple…of loonies! You both make me laugh, which makes me happy…thus, your marriage makes me happy.

  103. Reading this made me realize that there is hope for heterosexual people everywhere. I love that you and…I can’t remember your husband’s name so I will call him Eduardo, Eduardo have the kind of relationship where you support each other’s murder plots. I also love that there is a lot of sarcasm. I like sarcasm.

  104. Ha I love you guys! Even though I’m divorced we are best friends now we have 3 kids and need to stick togather cause we are out numbered and our conversations are allot like yours now.

  105. Hahahaha, he’s going to stab him in the eye if the dude looks in on the convo again, yet it later becomes posted in full for the public to enjoy. Funny shit.

  106. I love this back and forth conversations….I feel like my neck has a crook in it now.

  107. Har.
    Just to clarify…
    Aussies are the convict.
    New Zealanders are exhibitionists, hence the hobbit-sized windows in the lavs of our national carrier, and the occasional port-a-loo.

  109. yours is the most fucked up relationship in the history of fucked up relationships that actually count as relationships and not just fucked up people living together. have i said ‘fucked up’ enough yet? I’m learning how to write blog posts from yours, and that seems important.

  112. OH MY GAH. I am in a class that I HATE and this is making me choke because I’m trying not to laugh out loud because the prof is saying NOTHING funny, as usual. In fact, if you really do want to murder something, I highly recommend murdering this class. It sucks. Seriously. Also, YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO RECOMMEND YOU MURDER MY PROF, DIDN’T YOU?!? Admit it! *I,* however, would never recommend anyone murder this prof. Never. Although technically, I couldn’t stop anyone from doing so, if they wanted to. But I would never actually support that. Nope. Never. (Although I would wholeheartedly support anyone who wanted to murder these infernal Powerpoints with which I am being tortured! And maybe even pay you in school cafeteria snacks. Hungry, anyone? I’m rambling. I apologize. P.S. I love this post.)

  113. I realise you were flying Air New Zealand to Australia, which is probably why Victor made the comment about convicts. Nonetheless I feel compelled to point out that New Zealand and Australia are different countries and NEW ZEALAND NEVER HAD ANY CONVICTS! Except the ones that escaped in Australia and sailed across.
    P.S. Love your work.

  115. I had my first panic attack ever at a nearly empty Walmart this weekend and going to Sam’s Club to get what we need from there makes me want to throw up. That said, this made me laugh out loud to that point my husband thinks I’m beyond crazy now. You are simply the best, Jenny. You and Victor, but mostly you. 😀

  117. Ahem.

    UNICORN. SUCCESS. CLUB.

    Clear plastic binders are horrible and people who think outside the box are the ones who get hired. Hence, unicorns. Awesome.

  118. I. Love. You. Y’all are just as screwed up as me and my husband. No, wait. More. xxoo

  119. Prison is Shitfull. Too long inside. No phone. No internet. Snotty officers – glorified babysitters. Shit books. Shit food. Reversion to Ape Behaviour – Territory, Hierarchy, Sex. Only conversation about doing Crime and doing time. Mostly ethnic youngsters doing housebreaks, stick ups and shoplifts for drugs. C…t of a place…….then again. You might like it XX

  120. ditto on the self help books. I wish there was a like button on the comments. Sigh… You two should write self help books definitely.

    BTW, you should never bury the body on Wednesdays because A, insurance companies don’t like that and B, that’s the best time to email people. I’m sure you knew all of that already.

  122. Sounds pretty similar to Spousal Unit and I. Though I think we have fewer death threats and more stabbings in our conversations. I think. I haven’t counted.

  123. why am I picturing Victor coming home to a field of pickles in your front yard? you know, like those birthday flamingos people get, but pickles!

  125. You guys are awesome! I am torn between thinking that you and Victor and my husband and I should all have dinner together because it would be EPIC, and being afraid that the four of us cannot hang out unsupervised or bad things may happen. Eh, either way.

  126. Proof that pretty much everything has been done WRONG, ever since they made the rule about unicorns on binders being uncool for grownups.

    I love you guys’ epic conversations about random crap! Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for making me laugh out loud, every time.

  127. Wait, was Victor using his Google glass to converse with you? Because if he WAS, would’t that mean that the person who was totally invading on the convo would be sitting on his lap? Spooning maybe? Spooning on a plane? Yup, that is the sequel to Snakes on a Plane.

    I think I might need to up my meds dosage…

  128. We both just can’t go back to prison.

    In our house, the matra is “and this is why I will never go back to FLORIDA again”

    Some things are better left unsaid.

  133. Hahaha!
    Love it, you two are gorgeous human beans.

    PS SPOILERS
    Did you see Capaldi’s eyes at the end of Day of the Doctor? Lots of squealing here!

  134. You and Victor are both awesome. This entire conversation is fabulous. I laughed until tears came out of my eyes, ended up choking, then more tears because of the choking. Damn it, you nearly killed me.

    P.S. Can I call you and Victor if I have a body that needs hiding?

  138. Pluto is a planet. Definitely a planet. You can’t just all of sudden say, “Hey, Pluto, your planet rights are revoked.” That’s bullshit.

  139. We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.

    Works for me and my fiance….thank goodness.

  141. I am single and I think being able to have a conversation like this is now on my list of things to look for in a man. I don’t really have a list but if I did this would be in the Top 7.

  142. Does Victor have a brother?

    J/K I am already married but I love you guys. And now I can see why your both are a match made in pris_ I mean, heaven.

  143. You guys are made for each other. It’s amusing how many people put “good conversationalist” as a quality to look for in a mate without realizing what exactly a truly good conversation might entail… body hiding, unicorns, suspiciously pungent glitter…

  144. Do either of you have a single brother? How about a cousin? Dad?
    I love Ya’lls sense of humor….(kinda gives you a clue as to the part of the country I’m emailing from)

  145. I freakin’ love that you guys can call each other out on somewhat true (possibly completely true) issues through google chat. My husband and I are both too “internalize-y” to do that without mis-communication happening. Also shouldn’t Victor know by now to call with a cat picture? Just saying, it might be his fault you didn’t answer.

  146. This is one of the most fucked up conversations I think I’ve ever read. I think I love you guys.

    Also? I wish I could have seen the look on the guy’s face that was sitting next to Victor.

  148. Being a novice to your blog, and all, I used to think that your “Conversations with Victor” consisted of you mostly making up all of Victor’s awesome responses, because surely no man could be so awesomely matched for you. Now I realize that I have been so, so naive. Sorry to break it to you, but it turns out your husband is even cooler than you are.

  152. Getting stabbed in the eye for reading this over Victor’s shoulder?

    TOTALLY WORTH IT!

  153. Reminds me of a conversation I had with my husband: me: I want a divorce because my cell phone isn’t working
    Him: buy a new cellphone

    He isn’t nearly as much fun as Victor clearly

  155. “I’m going to stab him in his eye if he does it again”…Man, I would have loved to have been a fly on that cabin wall when the eyeball eavsedropper saw that. Awesomeness.

  157. I’m so glad to learn I’m not the only husband who calls his wife dufus! Although I probably am the only British husband who calls his wife dufus. American TV shows have a lot to answer for.

  158. To LisaAR: I was once on a flight that contained a very annoying fly. They offered a free beverage to anyone who was able to kill it. It was a frenzy after that. You don’t want to die over a bloody mary.

  160. Instead of “Tuesdays With Morrie”, your next book should definitely be “Everyday With Victor”…

  161. Jenny,
    Medicated, not medicated, either version of you rocks, my friend.
    Victor is one of the luckiest bastards on the planet because he gets to view the wonder, the train wreck, the one-of-a-kind masterpiece that is Jenny Lawson.

  165. I like to read the conversations between you and Victor. They were my favorite parts of your book, and my favorite parts of the blog as well. Mostly because my significant other and I have conversations that resemble yours and Victors. But your conversations sound so much better.

  166. I want to see this power point.
    I suggest you post it in your blog, using one blog post a day for each slide.
    I can’t wait til we get to the cat slide!

  167. LOVE YOU BOTH – I been married a hella long time too… same kinda guy ‘cept he is getting sorta creepy now…. finally did shave tho…

  172. “I don’t truck with peeps who can’t follow AP guidelines” Bahahahaha!

    I’m a prof., and I would totally give extra credit for the unicorn and puffy clouds cover. I hate fancy report covers, especially those plastic ones with that spine thing that never stays on. Not acceptable!

  175. Thank you!
    I now know who to contact to devise a get rid of that one kind of plan…you and Victor!

  176. Sorry, but I think Victor won this one. (only with your help though, because it was a conversation.)

  178. OMG I am so mad I haven’t had time to visit lately. This is so freaking funny. If I wanted to talk to anyone on the plane I would so have a similar end of conversation because people are so nosy when you fly.

  179. I love you guys! That was the greatest conversation!! Someday I hope to have a Victor of my very own.

  180. “me: That’s a terrible generalization. Besides, you don’t smoke convicts. They’re better in stew.
    Victor: Who the fuck is making stew in the airplane bathroom?”

    I love how he didn’t ask about smoking convicts or putting them in stew. He asked about making the stew in a bathroom because that’s clearly the crazy part. It’s seriously adorable how you guys just kind of roll with each other’s weirdness like it ain’t no thang.

  181. I love you and if you need something to use, please tell Victor that AUSTRALIA had a large convict population, but not New Zealand, so flying Air New Zealand is not convict driven or convict based…
    If he reckons you need to fact check, there are 4.5 million of us in NZ who are willing to discuss with him.
    🙂

  184. I’m laughing so hard my husband is concerned. I wish I knew how to make those little heart emoticons.

  185. (Website is dead so the link doesn’t work)

    I’m kind of not loving Victor right now…AP? UGH… Can’t you at least accept MLA?

  189. I don’t think I ever appreciated until now the magnificent lunacy that is Victor! You are both so lucky to have each other. And I fear for your abnormally normal daughter.

  191. You had me at “I thought he meant it as a threat, like ‘That chicken has a shiv,'” but this convo with Victor is almost as good…almost.

    I thought you might appreciate this. Being a human to a homicidal monkey AND a cute cat…some dude threatened to kill my dog if she tried to share its (his really) frisbee. For the hundredth time after leaving NY for SF, I’ve thought to myself “I need a fucking Taser in this city.” So what did I do? I looked that shit up…and here is what I found. I think you should incorporate it into one of your blogs, since really, the rednecks live here and not in TX:

    “It’s SF. I think the only self-defense item currently able to be carried concealed or open on the person would be a unicorn beanie baby.
    The pink one. And only if the horn is blunted.”

    That kinda sums up why NY is better than SF in some ways.

  192. Please tell me that Victor has a brother that is just the same. He cracks me up when he follows your crazy train of thought, then branches out on his own line. You two are just perfect for each other. Love you both.

  193. “me: UNICORNS ARE PERFECT AND PLUTO IS A PLANET. ARE YOU TRYING TO GET A DIVORCE??”

    <3

    (and I totally get this btw "me: I love you too even though I’m going to murder you for yelling at me when I already feel fragile and stupid. I need you to look over my murder plan when you get home though because I think I probably did it wrong." 8( )

  196. That was so romantic! I could only wish for a love story as sweet as yours. You and Victor are truly made for each other

  197. That was so fantastic…I don’t have any words. You are both terrifically awesome. (Okay, I had a few words.)

  198. UNICORNS ARE PERFECT AND PLUTO IS A PLANET. ARE YOU TRYING TO GET A DIVORCE??

    I would say this. Except that I’m not married. But if someone I’m not married to was trying to get a divorce, this is exactly how they would be trying to get it.

  200. THAT is awesome! Did the creep next to Victor ever stop reading or did murder not faze him?

  201. Love these conversations. But did the guy stop eavesreading when he read “I’m not going back to jail again.”?

    Not sure if I would have stopped reading, or gotten more interested.

  203. I want to be your sister. I want to be at your house always.
    That conversation was …..I read it twice…..that’s what it was.

  204. Sorry, Victor wins this round, this post was definitely better than the previous one. Points taken off for google glass almost lost it for him but the amount if sheer randomness pulled it through. ;D

  205. That was just about the funniest thing I have ever read! You guys are hysterical!

  207. You are my favorite person in the world that I don’t actually know.

    And I don’t know Tom Hiddleston.

    Think about it.

  208. You two are just awesome, made for each other. I wish I lived next door so I could invite you over for coffee regularly.

  210. Best conversation EVER! This just made my week. You make me happy! 🙂 Have a great thanksgiving!!

  211. “You mean THE LAVATORY” is a phrase you should use any time that Victor references a bathroom from now on. Preferably said in a snotty British accent while you are wearing a monocle and taking an accusatory tone.

  213. Since I’m flying Post-Christmas, I would like to see another post like that below about how to keep one’s sanity in the airport, on the airplane, forced into contact with so many humans….

  214. So, I’m still kind of stuck on the convicts smoking thing. I mean, how does a window in the lavatory of the plane help with that? Unless you can actually open the window? Which would be kind of stupid on the part of the airplane designers, I would think.

    This why I will never be a published humorist. Because I would have completely lost the “stew” part of that conversation by obsessing over the plane going down because some idiot opened the window in the lavatory so no one would know he was smoking.

  216. Danggit! Pickles — that’s what I forgot to pick up for Thanksgiving dinner. So, sorry, there won’t be pickles. At least not at the DarthFamily house.

  217. Sorry. Victor wins this one. It’s only fair. You win most of them.

    Thank you for this.

    Made me happy.

  218. Laughing out loud. Kinda snorting. What’s the internet acronym for that? LOLAS ? (Laughing Out Loud Also Snorting?) But that seems to imply cocaine use. Thanks for the laugh, you two!

  220. These stories of you and Victor make me confident that my own marriage is headed in the right direction and will stand the test of time. Hector is just the right kind of weird to keep me and I’m the right kind of crazy to love him.

  221. Hard call. But I like Pirates of the Carribean just a smidge more than I like unicorns. Mostly because of Johnny Depp. So you win. Anyway, you have to win because you’re the wife – that’s one of those marriage rules. But speaking of marriage rules, Victor wins if the competition is “airplane- marriage -eavesdropping” as opposed to “airplane-murder-eavesdropping”.

    So call it a tie and kiss and make-up.

  222. Well I hope you are Happy that Debby has a crook in her neck now. I also have a crook but I do not keep him on my person that way. Too many ways that can go sideways

  226. One of the greatest things I’ve ever seen anywhere on the Internet:

    Victor: I created an outline and powerpoint of all the ways you’ve dissapointed the family.

    (Even if one of the words is incorrectly spelled. Two “p’s” ONE “s” Victor.)

    I just love Victor.

    Not in a white-hot-intensity-passion-that-never-dies-morbid-infatuation-I’m-gonna-stalk-him-if-I-ever-figure-out-how-to-find-out-where-he-lives kind of love. But just because you guys have the coolest marriage. I wish I had a marriage like that. I wish I had a marriage. Well, some days. Most days I’m like, Meh. Because I would seriously SUCK at marriage. And motherhood. I have enough trouble keeping my plants and my cat alive. It’s not that I don’t care about my cat and my plants…but it’s just that I don’t do very well with this grown up thing. (Oh, and my car. I have a tough time with auto maintenance. I mean, thank God for Jiffy Lube right down the street, right?)

    Anyway, kudos to Victor – for his wit. (But you should probably buy him a dictionary for Christmas, because apparently his mobile device doesn’t have spellcheck or auto correct.)

  227. I’m so with Victor and the AP guidelines comment until aaaaaagh Victor you missed an apostrophe…
    Love it.
    I’m glad you’re all home again too. Because now I have things to read other than the manual I am trying to write.

  228. I’m with Victor on this one. 🙂
    Also – I always love reading your conversations with Victor.

  230. HAA HAA HAA!!!! That was awesome…. love your conversations with Victor… You two are made for each other.

  232. Your arguments are so much better than the ones between THE WIFE and me.

    Once I get a stuffed animal put up in my living room I’ll invite you guys to Dallas so we can say hi properly.

    HEY WAIT! I just realized I’ll be in Austin next week! I’ll email you (and be sure to put a cat picture in it so you’ll read it)!

  235. It’s quite possible that after this post I love Victor more than you. And yes, it all makes sense now.

    I think you should have his avatar be a picture of the cat, so when he calls you might actually be inclined to pick it up thinking it’s the cat who is calling you.

  236. I think that’s a wonderfully romantic exchange with your husband. He is clearly the perfect person for you.

  237. I can honestly tell you, if you made every word of this conversation up you are a genius. A funny, quirky, diabolical genius. I’m very glad you’re in this world. Happy Thanksgiving.

  238. You guys are hilarious!! Because you entertained me, here’s something funny for you.

    Me: I just found this hilarious website. It’s called Dog Shaming.

    Him: Oh, that’s awful! It makes me sad.

    Me: …

    Him: I hate it when people shave dogs.

    Me: I thought I was supposed to be the deaf one.

  239. Love. You’re my inspiration for capturing conversations and text exchanges. My family and friends are less appreciative. They’d probably like to have a word with you.

  241. Kind of reminds me of back when we’d grocery shop together…we’d get to the checkout & I’d get my check book out (this was in the early 90s) and Jeff would stage-whisper, “This one’s not going to bounce, is it?”
    We’ve been married 23 years.

  245. I’m curious. As you and Victor age, if one of you gets dementia will the other one even notice? But for today, I think it is wonderful that the two of you found each other. It’s like you both were wearing your weird beacons the day you met. Congratulations and best wishes for many, many more years with both your weird beacons set to stun.

  255. And another thing: this reminded me of a story my hubs told me when I picked him up at the airport recently. He came home on a packed to the gills full flight. No seats, no overhead available. You know. When the plane landed, the guy next to him whipped out his phone and started texting. My hubs did the reading over the shoulder thing (don’t hate him). Dude types to whoever, “Just landed.” Whoever types, “How was the flight?” Dude types, “Great! Had the whole row to myself.” Um…

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