UPDATED: The lion and the unicorn were fighting for the crown. And for my heart.

in Random crap

SEE UPDATE BELOW:

This week my friend (Seana) saw something on the side of the road and slowed down to take a picture out of her car window because it was fucked-up and she was pretty sure I needed it.  And she was right.  We all need this:

And at first I was just happy knowing that a random unicorn is cheerily hanging out with a smiling lion on the side of the road, but then I started thinking about how nice it would be to own that taxidermied unicorn and then Victor said that I couldn’t have it because I already had a taxidermied pegasus and then I just shook my head at him because the man obviously doesn’t understand anything about “matched sets”.  For example, I could use them as book-ends and put stuff between them.  Stuff like the other antique taxidermied animals I don’t currently have room for.

So I called the shop that was keeping my unicorn and said, “Hey.  Weird question, but I heard you have a dead unicorn in the street and I’m interested in bringing it into my life,” but turns out I dialed the wrong number and the woman on the other line was very confused, but she was also elderly and seemed a little lonely so I ended up talking to her for ten minutes about dead unicorns (Hi, Edna!) and it was quite nice.  She was very supportive of the idea.  Or afraid to hang up.  Difficult to tell.

Regardless, I called the right number the second time and the guy on the line was like “Oh, yeah.  You mean Pat.”  The dead unicorn’s name was Pat.  Pat the Unicorn.  It was like that bunny in the toddler book, but less alive.  Or more alive, since the unicorn was once real. Sort of.

Turns out that Pat was once a beloved, old family pet who eventually died of an irritable bowel problem in Alabama in the 60’s.  The grieving family was sad and so the father (a taxidermist) decided to surprise them with a unicorn made out of their dead, diarrhea pony.  It might have been the worst present ever.  Or best.  Hard to tell with taxidermist’s children.  We’re a weird bunch.

The bad thing though, is that Pat was an heirloom and an Alabaman (Alabamanian?) treasure and so he is fucking expensive.  I still briefly considered it (because it would be fun to write “diarrhea unicorn corpse” as a business expense on my taxes) but Victor yelled “SPENDING REAL MONEY ON A DIARRHEA PONY IS CRAZY EVEN FOR YOU” and he had a point.  So I called my sister to see if she wanted to go halfsies on it, because then it would be more justifiable.  She said she’d pass, but pointed out that it was close to the same amount of money to get a fancy gym membership for a year, and that I could just put some wheels on Pat and then put a harness around my shoulders and drag Pat up steep neighborhood hills, like some sort of magical, princess resistance-training.  And I’m pretty sure that’s a great idea because PAT IS ALREADY ON CASTERS, so I can take him for walks, or drag him behind the riding lawn mower when I go to pick up Hailey from sleepovers.

I was totally in.  “UNICORNS ARE THE NEW KETTLE-CORN” I yelled at Victor.  He looked at me strangely and I explained that they were weights, and he said “Wait.  Do you mean “kettle bells”?  God.  You can’t even debate this properly.”  Then he told me that I could buy Pat just as soon as I could justify spending money on a dead diarrhea pony that I probably would never exercise with at all.  And he was right.  I can’t justify that kind of money.  So I decided that I should sell shares of the unicorn to try to raise the money.  It’ll be a communal unicorn.  A communalcorn.  I’ve tried kickstarter several times and they never approve my stuff, so instead I’m going to sell shares of Pat on my shop.  All I need to do is sell a shitload of Double Unicorn Success Club certificates before Pat is sold off to someone else.  Impossible?  Probably.  But I sort of specialize in impossible.  And also in “incredibly stupid and somewhat dangerous.”  We play to our talents.

You need this. And it's on a postcard so it's made for sharing.

So what do you get out of this?  Not much.  Plus, you’re buying shares of a communalcorn that I haven’t even bought yet, which I think might be considered “illegal speculation” on my part.  So you get to say that you’re part of a unicorn crime ring, for one. And if this actually manages to happen, you will also get to see pictures of me and Pat on various adventures, and I’ve even gotten a small town to agree to let me show our communalcorn in their yearly parade and you can come and be on the float, which will probably just be me dragging Pat around behind the lawnmower while I scream “UNICORN SUCCESS CLUB FOR THE WIN!” and throw candy corn and glitter at baffled strangers.

Now, it’s more than possible that Pat will be sold before we can ever raise this money, and so if that happens all profits from the certificates will be donated to Project Night Night, because that’s what Pat would want.  That unicorn corpse is doing God’s work and he’s not even ours yet.

PS.  Do you have any thoughts on what you’d like to see Pat doing?  Leave them in the comments, people.  We may not have a unicorn, but we do have hope, imagination, and a series of questionable decisions that have brought us here.  And I, for one, think that’s a very good thing.

UPDATED:  In the two hours that this post has been live we’ve raised almost $500 toward buying Pat the Unicorn, which is both awesome and frightening at the same time.  Sadly, I called to check on Pat and was told that he was just sold.  It was a very dark moment in the Lawson household and I think I’ve learned that the time to buy a dead, diarrhea communalcorn is when you see a dead, diarrhea communalcorn.  These are the tough life lessons you learn on the streets.  I’d like to think that Victor went out and bought him as a surprise, but when I asked him, Victor looked at me like I was insane.  The upside is that the $500 will now go to helping homeless kids, and that’s kind of awesome, although selfishly not as awesome as getting a unicorn that you can use to stage a liquor store robbery.  The good news though is that this has inspired me, and so I will now be taking my taxidermied pegasus (Flyza Minnelli), finding the perfect unicorn horn for her (please send links if you see any) and attaching wheels to her feet because THIS COMMUNALCORN THING IS GOING TO HAPPEN, YOU GUYS.  It’s just too bad-ass not to.  All further Pat fundraising will go toward buying a horn, foot-wheels, a bad-ass leash and enough giant helium balloons to float Flyza Minnelli around the neighborhood like the magical, flying communalcorn we all need in 2014.

PS.:

You did this, Unicorn Success Club. Take a goddam bow, you magnificent bastards.

UPDATED AGAIN: An artist’s conception:

346 thoughts on “UPDATED: The lion and the unicorn were fighting for the crown. And for my heart.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Dead diarrhea ponies make the best presents, or so I’m told.

    The again, I do live in Alabama, so my priorities may be skewed.

  5. Also, this could be totally turned into a Bloggess parade float. For if your town has Fourth of July parades or whatnot. Because who wouldn’t love to see a dead unicorn on castors?

  6. My blog is devoted to impaling unicorns and even I think this is a great idea. Double Thumbs and Horn Up. Single horn, of course. Double horns? That’s CRAZY.

    Worth it just for the comedy value. #buying

  8. Ummm – I may or may not have had a lifelong obsession with unicorns, be on a quest to own all the unicorn t-shirts in existence (except the ones where the unicorns are pooping, because I don’t care if it’s rainbows, some stuff should be private), and have my guardian unicorn on my desk watching this RIGHT NOW. I don’t care what your unicorn does as long as you get this unicorn AND if I’m ever in your neighborhood, I get to hug it. (And if you promise not to call the police if I’m in your neighborhood. It’s not stalking when there’s a unicorn involved.)

  11. If you do get to purchase the CommunalCorn do those of us who helped out get to come visit Pat?

    (He’ll have visiting hours before the parade. And I assume he’s awesome in selfies. He looks very photogenic. ~ Jenny)

  12. Oh dear lord. I don’t think the neighbors would understand you screaming about the USC. So then you’d have to post fliers or some shit to explain yourself. Better yet, take pat for a walk in someone else neighborhood.

  13. I want to see Pat being ridden by a tacidermied monkey in a leprechaun outfit.
    Seriously, thank you. I needed a laugh today and you delivered.

  14. Wheeee! Off to buy my certificate and hence share of Pat. This is the best day ever! Double Unicorn Success Club for the WIN

  17. I think you should have a unicorn picnic…similar to a teddy bear picnic, only more unicorny. And then, I’m going to need you to take a picture of it pooping a rainbow, because duh.

    Thanks ever so much!

  18. Make matching pageant sashes for the both of you that say “Neigh-borhood Watch” and then pull him around your town, preserving the safety of your fellow Texans.

  19. How can you even think about taking Pat away from his family and his friend the lion? I’m worried about the quality of your choices here (though I’ve never been worried about them before, not ever).

  21. I love that you found out the whole story of Pat and that your sister is as “unique” as you are! Can’t wait to see what Pat’s adventures are with you…perhaps a cat riding Pat could be the cover of your next book. Boom! Total business expense there!

  22. That is the most gorgeous fucking diarrhea unicorn on the planet! It is like recreating a scene from A Swiftly Tilting Planet, without the wings. Search for a dragon now!!

  23. This is a totally worthwhile cause. And I’m sure the original owners of the original pony would totally concur. PS. Do two “originals” in the same sentence make them NOT original?

  26. When I was in my teens (Ok, still now) I had a fascination with morbid biology. The circus “Unicorns” that were just goats with their horn buds moved to the center of their head fascinated me. I had a very, very elaborate plan to get a white pony, and a goat, and convince a vet to transplant the goat horn buds onto the horse. I figured it would need anti-rejection drugs to prevent the horn from leaving it’s head. I did do some research into trying to find something genetically closer to a horse to prevent rejection, but it just started to get REALLY creepy and my mother told me that it wasn’t going to happen either way and I needed to stop. She was supportive up until the point that she realized I actually planned on buying a pony and a goat to surgically combine them. I think she thought I was planning on doing it myself.

  33. I’m in Alabama. At the very least, I need to have my photograph taken with Pat. I can take a picture of myself patting Pat. Where is he????

  35. I would like to see the unicorn poke holes in social injustice with his horn of righteousness!

    Also give Ermione Granger and friends a ride on his back.

  36. If Kickstarter won’t give you the opiotn to fund this, then screw Kickstarter! Have you tried gofundme.com? I’m pretty sure this falls under the Dreams, Hope, & Wishes category or maybe even Medical, Illness, & Healing because how can you not be healed by the magic of Pat the Unicorn? And in that case, it could fall under Missions, Faith & Church, because seeing Pat is probably almost like a religious experience (I’m going to Hell, aren’t I? Oh, well, had fun getting there!).

  37. when I hit “communalcorn” I laughed so hard I nearly peed. Then I bought some certificates. I hope you get Pat!

  38. I totally get buying Pat. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t need a dead diarrhea pony. But why are we leaving the Lion behind? He looks serviceable and I want to pet him and I want to ride him in the Unicorn Parade. They look like they are really good friends and would probably be really upset to be parted.

  40. I have a handwritten note, from you, claiming that I am a real unicorn…maybe. Soooo…there’s that.

  43. I desperately need a photo of Pat and Beyoncé. Together. I am going to go buy shares now to do my part to make this happen.

  44. Sign me up! Er, is Tuesday soon enough? B/c I’m still Christmas broke at the moment (Santa, you dirty ho ho ho..) >.< Also I would like to see Pat on a nice green golf course with a trail or maybe a mound of Skittles behind him, some very dismayed golfers looking on, and the caption "Shit Happens". Crossing my phalanges for your very own Ponycorn! Wait, that DOES sound like kettle corn…….SEE, Victor?? Logic, schmogic.

  45. Our communalcorn must meet Beyonce first before any other activities are planned. All I see in my head are images of a book, perhaps entitled “The Antics of Pat and Beyonce.” Sorry Beyonce, Pat gets top billing on this one due to his incredible history. Besides, I think caster-ed unicorns pull rank on metal chickens. Last I checked anyway.

  46. I’d like to see someone fashion some rollerskates for Pat. I know he/she is already on casters, but for some odd reason, I want to see Pat’s hooves be decked out in rollerskates. Also, he/she would be an awesome float in a pride parade. Bedecked with rainbows with “Born this Way” blasting from a boombox.

  47. If I am buying shares in Pat how many days of the year does Pat get to live at my house? The Husband will be thrilled!

  48. I finally have something to put on my resume, in the section for clubs or activities. Double Unicorn Success Club – Lifetime Member, bitches.

  52. He’s the most beautiful unicorn I’ve ever seen! Which is saying a lot, because I hallucinate unicorns all the damn time. Quick question, though, what’s the approximate size difference between your pegasus and Pat the unicorn? I’m asking only so that I can properly imagine them together, in all their mutually-combined glory.

  53. You know he and Beyonce are going to fight over territory. And where will you put the loser? And Pat surely cannot stay outside all the time, even in Texas. I do think this is insane, but what the hell.

    That said, you could find a way to either photoshop the Communalcorn members into a picture with Pat, or find a way that they can do so themselves. Saves on airfare to stalk you and Pat. You could be in the picture, too, and then people would have pictures of themselves with you and Pat — total WIN!

    Good luck!

  54. I thought “Pat the unicorn” was an instruction, like you were supposed to stroke it’s mane. Maybe you could put Pat out on the lawn and charge people a dollar to pat It and make a wish. Then you can write the whole purchase off on your taxes as a business expense. Some people see problems; I see opportunities.

    PS Hope to see you in Winnipeg. Dress warm. Like Tom Baker scarf wrapped around your head three times warm.

  55. But won’t the lion be lonely if we only buy Pat the awesome unicorn? Harvey (I have no idea why I think that lion looks like a Harvey) will be so lonely and pining away for his good buddy Pat.

  56. Hold on, I’m trying to convince my friends to buy it for my birthday even if it was like 10 days ago. Fingers crossed!

    P.S Always take photos of your friends sleeping and drooling so that when opportunities like these arise you can always blackmail them with said photos.

  57. Perfect for the Bawcomville, Louisiana redneck Christmas parade! Taxidermy and lawnmowers are both highly encouraged.

  58. I humbly suggest that you name your next book “Double Unicorn Success Club” and use Pat as the cover model. THEREFORE it becomes a business expense, and you can write it off! Everyone wins!

  61. You could always re-merry Victor and start a unicorn registry. It seems like a business tax write off any way. I’d call it “art supplies” for writing inspiration. I think you’d get a lot of work use out of it.

  62. This one is selfish.
    I want a pic of a whore riding Pat.
    Because that whole virgin thing is just a load of crap.
    Thank you.

  63. I want to see Pat being a super spy!!!!! With sun glasses, leather jacket and the shootin’ match!

  64. Oh, come on, you’re near enough to New Braunfels to know that unicorns really DO exist! ;0) I’ve seen one very similar to … ummmm … “Pat” displayed outside a local home pulling a Christmas sled!

  65. Take Pat to the Grand Canyon, he can visit with the Donkeys that go to the bottom and they can have a party, with party hats, balloons and real life pin the tail on the donkey.

  66. I LOVE being able to get behind a good cause so it makes me feel like Satan just having this thought but it does not make any damn sense to pay $6 for shipping for a postcard! Can’t Zazzle just throw a stamp on it and pop it in a mailbox to me?!?

    PS – I feel like there should probably be some kind of punctuation in that first sentence of mine. Normally I would correct it. I just don’t have it in me to do that today.

    PPS – I’m sure I’ll break down tomorrow and make the purchase.

  68. Pat totally needs to bring light rainbows to Copernicus. Also, he needs his own hat/outfit. And definitely an outing with the Pegasus. Sooooo many possibilities! Unicorn Success Club FTW! I am SO in.

  70. 1) Pat mocks the lions at the zoo
    2) Pat holds up a liquor store
    3) Pat uses his horn to distribute doughnuts to orphans (totally balances out the liquor store thing)
    4) Pat acts as ring bearer at the most awesome wedding ever
    5) Pat uses his horn to write ‘I’m a motherfucking unicorn!’ in glitter across a wall and poses next to it proudly

    I may be overexcited by the whole idea

  71. Oh my God, someone just mentioned a “Unicornado” (which may or may not describe my room when I was younger) and now I need for someone to make that movie.

  72. The lion reminds me of a company picnic I went to once. It was at Darby Dan Farm. I saw a lion and the balls were large and furry. Then one of our telecom guys OD’ed on something. He lived, but I never saw him again. I knew something was up when he wouldn’t stop staring at the antler chandelier. If you ever make it to Columbus, OH, that might be your kind of place. (Also, there were paddle boats!)

  73. After all your exercise you should probably relax and watch the Last Unicorn.

  74. I love Pat being the cover of your next book – maybe w/ you dressed as a maiden touching his horn (!). BUT that lion could be loads of fun too (i.e. he could be your “lionheart” image for Valentine’s day cards). I’m pretty sure you need Lionel the lion too.

  75. I am seriously wanting to buiy into this, it could end up being really big and important.

  76. Oh Pat, you gorgeous creature. I would like to see you in a monster truck rally, you could be a hood ornament for whichever truck is the underdog and you’d frighten and confuse the opposing, fancy monster trucks. I’m always rooting for the underdog.

    Alternatively, I’d like to see Pat on broadway. S/he can sing, right? Wait, is Pat male? Is there a verified penis under there? Gross. Someone stuffed that.

  78. OMG! Normally I wouldn’t buy something like this but OMG! Can you just imagine how thrilled my husband is going to be when I mail him a certificate (he’s currently deployed somewhere overseas surrounded by dudes)?!? You should totally put this in your front yard and charge people who want to take pics on it, like they do with Santa, that way you’re making money and Victor will be thrilled. Not to mention how many happy children you’ll have in your neighborhood! It’s a total win!

  79. You need this unicorn for medicinal purposes. It’s been scientifically proven that unicorns can promote healing for those of us suffering severe depression and anxiety.

  81. A community-owned unicorn! You are fucking brilliant and mad…I’m in. But remember, you had me at James Garfield (and before).

  82. Can we just give you money so that you can take outrageous photos of/with/on/in Pat? Like, is there a place where we can just donate, or buy nothing for something?

  84. I like to think that the Beyoncé mug and Unicorn Success Club lifetime member stickers I bought in addition to the 2 shares of Pat are just my way of furthering the Pat dream. And not, you know, a sign that I am slowly accumulating at least one of everything you sell. (She types as she stares at the Beyoncé and Juanita photo statues on her deck.)

    Also, Pat in the parade? How about Pat as the motherfucking parade marshal?

  85. Communalcorn just totally made my whole day. Super serial. I have got to find a way to use that word, like, every single day.

  86. Also, I am concerned about the lion. Any back story to him? And yes, the parade with you and Pat is absolutely worth it. Victor is going to be so amazed, frustrated, irrItated and freaking blown away by OUR AWESOME-NESS that he will have to let Pat and Sir Lion stay. Get Ready!!! Cuz it’s a coming, my friend.

  87. This is like my childhood dream come true. I used to wish and wish for a unicorn and now I can have one. One that I will probably never see but i my hear I know he will be mine and 1,987,345 other peoples. I call dibs on AN EAR.

  88. I am going to buy a share of the communalcorn and I would like to see Pat getting a degree. Or at least just with a cap and gown and someone handing it (is Pat male or female?) a piece of paper that says Pat, PhD in Unicorn Shit. I will then take said picture with me during my defense and have a picture taken. That’s in a couple years, but we need goals.

  90. I want to see Pat go to Candy Mountain to see if he can find Charlie.

    For those who’ve never seen the video, you’re welcome, or I’m sorry, depending on how you like it.

  91. I can’t tell you how badly I want to be part of a unicorn crime ring. But I don’t have a job and I tend to buy food before dead, stuffed, illegal unicorns. Can I be an honorary member of the unicorn crime ring? I’ll donate candy corn for the parade!

  94. Pat is too amazing of a creature for just one parade…there really should be a full array of photos that show his amazing talents…by way of a PAT OF THE MONTH CALENDAR!!!! Such amazing scenes could be created…using your other creatures as supporting actors, of course!

    Pat skiing…Pat on Halloween…Pat in a romantic Valentine’s day scene…so many possibilities!!!

  95. i want to see you doing the “prancercise” exercise routine whilst pulling pat along behind you. i would totes mcgoats buy the whole damn thing for you if this dream became a youtube reality. how expensive is expensive? i got a christmas bonus and i’m feeling reckless.

  96. Sure, but does anyone but me want to see how close we are to reaching our goal? I will meet your communalcorn and raise you a communalcornathon. Looking forward to our victorious stabby dance.

  97. I would l love to see a Pat-Beyoncé photo. They could be flying flags be cause dead diahrrea ponys and metal chickens are very patriotic!

  98. LOVE IT. Just bought 8 and will be using them at work as “Atta Boy/Girls” from my department.

  99. I think that Pat should be the grand marshall of a unicorn parade, leading all of your other taxidermied (spell check liked it so I guess it is a word) animals. They must all be on casters as well if this is going to work, and all should be wearing USC t-shirts.

  100. I still want the rooster so I can’t justify buying a unicorn! Thats just me though. I tried today to get a metal dog out of my brother-in-law but he flat out told me no. No one seems to understand I need these things! The store here that has the rooster is temporarily out of business so I have to save up my pennies for when *if* they find another place to display their goods to buy it or its brother. In the meantime I still want the windupkey for the back of my VW bug I don’t care if it causes accidents or not I must have! I even explained to my husband how your rooster had a wasps nest or something like that and he is always complaining there aren’t enough bees in the garden so maybe a rooster would draw them in. I swear I’m gonna shave his eyebrows off if he raises them at me one more time!

  101. . . . Sorry Sweetie, I’m with Victor on this one . . . You can stalk Pat on FB or plan joint photo op book signing with him, but owning Pat would be wrong . . .

  102. A) How did you NOT get the smiling lion’s story? It’s like I don’t even know you. B) I’m so incredibly sad that I could not give Double Unicorn Success Club certificates as Chrismukkah presents. That would have been the best gift that kept on giving ever.

  103. At the parade, don’t throw candy corn, throw kettle corn. And when I say “kettle corn,” I don’t mean “kettle bells,” as that would potentially dangerous. But at least you’d get a good workout.

  105. Pat totally needs rainbow hair extensions in his mane, because hello RAINBOW!! And can you put leg warmers on him? I bet his ankles get cold. Then he could be like Rainbow Brite, only he’s a unicorn instead of a big-headed little girl. Then you could sit with him, listening to the soundtrack from Xanadu while you drink cocktails!

  106. I second the Pat of the Month calendar idea. You’d earn your $$ back in no time that way. See, its an investment.
    Also, I believe it is Alabamian… coming from an Alabamian.

  107. There’s a unicorn in my home town — it’s near where my aunt lives and as a child, I used to always ask my parents why I couldn’t have the unicorn. One day, the people who own the unicorn will die and maybe their kids won’t want the unicorn and there will be a unicorn at auction and then you might have a chance to buy another unicorn. Either to replace Pat if you can’t get him or as a friend for Pat.

  108. Zazzle won’t let me buy just one postcard and sadly I can’t buy the 8 I have to in order to join the Pat club. If it is fixed so that I can buy just one postcard I would be happy to join. I would like to see Pat on a trampoline. Dead Diarrhea Unicorn bounces!

  110. ‘PAT IS ALREADY ON CASTERS, so I can take him for walks, or drag him behind the riding lawn mower when I go to pick up Hailey from sleepovers.’ This right here is why I am helping you buy a communalcorn.

  111. I just took a picture of my screen…this post was the top and IMMEDIATELY below it was a picture of a unicorn pooping a rainbow. Seriously. I can’t make this shit up. If I could figure out how to post it on here for you to see, I totally would. I’m taking it as a sign that I must be a part owner in a Communalcorn. Going to buy my shares now!

  112. I think Pat should take a series of selfies at the San Antonio Zoo and you & your daughter can help him write a children’s picture book. Proceeds to Project Night Night, of course.
    Then with take him on the SA river boat ride to celebrate.

  114. Zazzle changed the quantity of card in my cart to 500. I love you, Jenny, but I can’t afford $2100 worth of postcards.

  115. Patty (It’s ok, we’re going to be close like that so I can call her…him….Patty) WILL sell kettle corn at festivals. Not like homemade kettle corn that we’ll make in huge pots though. That seems like a lot of work. So I guess technically we’re going to be reselling kettle corn that we bought earlier in the day. We’ll set up a booth right next door to the place we are buying the kettle corn from so we won’t have so far to walk. Bonus, people will already be lined up to buy the first place’s kettle corn so we don’t even have to advertise. As people are standing in the first line, we will just yell out, “Hey wouldn’t you rather buy kettle corn from a unicorn than some guy with an oar.” This business plan is writing itself.

  116. Thanks for the laughs. I’m cracking up over your diarrhea pony that’s the new kettle corn! I’d like to see Pat swinging on a wrecking ball, with his tongue hanging out. I would also like to see a blog written from the perspective of Pat. You could set him up at your computer and have him typing!

  118. Use Pat for your next (first) political demonstration a la Lady Godiva. Lady Lawson and her communalcorn could really get some press for a worthy cause!

  119. Selling vials of unicorn tears would be an excellent fundraiser and a good way to reach the tween market.

  121. Between you and David Sedaris, you kind of corner the market on funny taxidermy stories.

  122. But would Pat be sad without his lion friend?
    Maybe you will raise enough to buy him too.

  123. I am proud to be a card carrying member of the Double Unicorn Success Club and to own my share of the Communalcorn. I would like to see a postcard of Juanita riding Pat through the neighborhood in a rainbow apron. She should of course be yelling, “MUSH!” and holding a tiny whip while you pull them down the street. 🙂 Love you Jenny. Thanks for making me laugh.

  124. I love you people.

    Zazzle defaults to eight postcards per order, so unless you want eight just change the quantity. There’s a code each week for either free shipping or % off up on the top that you can apply. Anything with Pat on it goes to the Pat fund. Anything non-Pat goes to Meemaw’s rent and bills.

    The Pat calendar is a fantastic idea and I’m already making a list of awesome scenes to place Pat in, should this actually happen.

    PS. If you can’t afford it now but you really want a Unicorn Success Club certificate for your office, just print one out on your color copier for free. No judgements.

  125. I would like to see Pat give a giant eyeroll to all the people who made comments about the poor lion being lonely after his unicorn buddy is gone. And then gore them. And then they could be taxidermied and take Pat’s place so the lion doesn’t have to be lonely anymore. There, problem solved.

  126. Alabaman and Alabamian are both correct (but most folks I know–myself included–prefer the latter). Now, I’m going to check out the Double Unicorn Success Club.

  128. I think you should have a Pat the Dead Diarrhea Pony Game Show and have him ask a question a day from both a mythical personage and a historical personage and if the historical personage is wrong the mythical one gets to become real. First episode: El Chupacabra vs. Abe Lincoln, the grudge match.

  130. Too awesome to not purchase my share. I think we’re going to have a communalcorn sooner than you think!

  131. Pat kind of scares me. Still, I’d like to see him dressed for Halloween at a haunted house. But not on Halloween. Pick another day, week, Holiday like Arbor Day?

  132. Hmmm…I would love to buy a share / postcard, but it seems ridiculous that they want $7 for shipping. Just IM your PayPal email and I’ll send you $5!

  133. I would like to see Pat get busted for eating Juanita’s cupcakes. That Unicorn has a mad sweet tooth

  134. I would like to see Pat making baby unicorns. Well, I don’t actually want to SEE the process, I just want to know that he is doing his part to keep unicorns from going extinct. Or re-extinct, since technically they already were.

  135. I want to see Pat wearing some killer school marm glasses and a frock while helping your girl with her homework. Using the horn as a pointer to a problem on an old-timey blackboard goes without saying, of course.

  136. As soon as I get my next paycheck I want in on the Communalcorn!

    Also the post is so awesome my head exploded.

    So maybe we can sell shares so I can by a new head. Unicorn first though, because priorities.

  137. I love this post almost as much as the post about buying Beyonce. 😀 I especially love the kettle corn/kettle bells confusion. 😀 I may be close to broke, but I can afford to throw a few bucks at communal unicorn ownership/a good cause (redundant?). You rule, Jenny. 🙂

  138. You are so fucking weird. I LOVE IT. If I’m ever half as professionally weird as you, I will consider myself a motherfucking success at everything. You’re about as great an idol as Helena Bonham Carter, which is saying something, because that woman’s hair must be from another planet. You NEED Pat. And I want a picture of him and Victor having a stare-off. I love you. Never change.

  139. Pat could become the patron unicorn saint those with IBS. Breast cancer might get pink ribbons, but cranky bowel shitters get unicorns!

  141. This actually a super good idea. I’m from Wisconsin and people here once bought shares of the “Green Bay Packers” to finance building a new section of the football stadium. So now like 90% of the state can say they “own” part of the team. I would much rather own part of a Unicorn, it’s probably a way better investment. Also, it sounds cooler. If we win in our future procurement of Pat, I would like to see him in the Superbowl halftime show 🙂 Football and Unicorns just go together!

  142. Alabamaian. I’m from there, so I think that makes me a definitive voice on that point. Maybe.

    And Pat the diarrhea pony/unicorn is effing AWESOME!!! I am a member of the Drama Queens of the Singing River, a chapter of the Sweet Potato Queens, and we are all for parades, costumes, and throwing stuff at people. I will share this with the other queens and see if we can’t manage some shares!

  143. If you are going to buy Pat, you totally need to buy the lion. If you name him Aslan, you could start your own Narnia collection. A faun might be difficult to find, but beavers must be out there. You could change Hailey’s name to Lucy and she could be a queen!

  146. It’s like you have weird minions seeking your treasures across the nation. Whereas I’ve never even seen a weird taxidermied mouse in real life. . . Though I have seen a dog deer. There’s a tribe of deer (deer hang out in tribes, right) near our home that look a lot like dogs. Until they run.

  147. Ummmm…. as a proud member of Team Unicorn (that’s actually how my coworkers and I refer to ourselves), I have already ordered my shares of Pat the Unicorn.

  149. What will the lion do without Pat? You have to also rescue the lion, I think that is what Pat would want.

  150. Can we get some sort of $$ raised/goal ticker… so we know how close you are to success? ? I might help encourage more members.

  151. If you are going to buy Pat, you totally need to buy the lion. If you name him Aslan, you could start your own Narnia collection. A faun might be difficult to find, but dead beavers must be out there. You could change Hailey’s name to Lucy and she could be a queen!

  152. I think pat should roast marshmallows on his horn. OK, it’s pretty high up, so it may need to be a bonfire. Or a house on fire.

  153. I’d like to see the likeness of cher, or Madonna, or dolly riding the unicorn. I think that would make my life complete in every way. oh, except for that very thing being in a parade. like a small town parade perhaps? like the fourth of july parade in comfort, texas? (possibly you know the one – very small townish where they might not be familiar with unicorns. not to mention divas riding them?)

  154. Pat the Communalcorn will definitely miss his lion buddy. I insist we need a Communalion too! He can be a supporting member and perhaps Acting Secretary of the Double Unicorn Success Club. I assume since you let humans join, other mammals must allowed to join, too? The Bylaws may require an edit.

  157. My daughters would have loved to own a piece of a unicorn or a whole unicorn for that matter. I once had a unicorn come to my littlest daughter’s birthday. It was magical, as only unicorns can be. Disappointed he went to another home, yours would have been so much better.

  158. You can get free shipping on Zazzle by getting a trial membership to Zazzle Black (that option comes up a few steps into the Check out procedure). Then just cancel that membership before the month is over.

  161. OMG! Did Victor know this side of you before he married you or did you keep it a secret until it was too late for him? You crack me up!

  162. Also I think you should get the lion. I’m sure he’s lonely now. Hear that roar? That’s him crying for Pat. Or you, Jenny.

  163. I think Pat and Beyoncé need to meet. I also think you gotta throw Skittles…and yell “Taste the Rainbow”. All’s I know is, I’m in…where do I donate and get my badass certificate?

  164. I’m really hoping that someone saw Pat and decided they needed to surprise you with him. Knock Knock Motherfucker, indeed.

  165. Aw! I’m sad for the lack of unicorn but SO pleased for the fundraising for a good cause, and THRILLED at the opportunity to make an even more imaginative unicorn out of Stuff. 🙂

  166. Boo on Pat being sold, and I honestly doubt that anyone here would have a problem with what you used the money for instead. LOVE YOU SO HARD!!!

  170. “although selfishly not as awesome as getting a unicorn that you can use to stage a liquor store robbery” And this, this is why I love you Jenny Lawson

  172. This is probably quite the most interesting, awesome blog post I’ve ever read. Unicorns, a potential “corned” pegasus, oh my gosh. Yes.

    Just awesome.

  173. I call bullshit on that store…NO ONE else would spend that kind of money on a dead diarrhea pony. Unless Victor secretly bought it for you for valentines day.

    I was totally ready to buy a share.

  174. Is the lion still available? COMMUNALIONCORN! There is nothing preventing other animals from having magical horns to use for the powers of awesomeness…

  176. All right, Jenny … postcard purchased!!! Seriously … how could I NOT help you buy something as incredible as a communalcorn-reincarnated diarrhea pony?? Here’s hoping you get it!!

  177. It’s extremely disappointing that Pat won’t be living with you. Certainly your home would be the most appropriate place for him to reside.

    However, he can’t be the only stuffed unicorn in existence. I think that we, your readers, should try to find another suitable replacement for Pat.

  178. What happens if the person who purchased Pat leaves it on your doorstop?
    I’m not sure stranger things have happened.

  179. What’s the back story with Flyza Minnelli? We found out a little history on Pat and kinda felt connected with him. I’d like to be able to connect with Flyza Minnelli too!

  180. You are my hero. Thanks for making me smile. I’d like to think that we’d be friends in real life. We’d fight crime or scare people on street corners just because we can.

  181. I would like to see Pat sporting a large mustache, and wearing a sombrero and serape (NOT a poncho) posed with other members of a dead mariachi animal band. The sombrero will need to be at a jaunty angle, of course, so as not to disguise his unicorniness. Ole’!

  183. Or how about wearing a kilt and a wee tam o’shanter (at a jaunty angle) – with bagpipes of course (because it would just be silly otherwise.)

  185. I’m sorry I didn’t see this post earlier today – I would have LOVED to have bought into the Double Unicorn Success Club….

  186. Maybe Victor has something to do with the quick purchase of Pat 😉 This could be payback for the Beyonce incident. You may find Pat lurking. Hahaha

  187. It may be time for me to slow down on the Sweet Baby Jesus beer (yes, that IS a real thing – I have evidence.) Now I’m picturing Pat sporting hipster glasses, a soul patch and a t-shirt that says YOLO.

  189. So sad I’m too late to be part of a unicorn crime ring. As a lawyer, it’s practically the only kind of crime ring I’d be allowed to be in.

  190. Can’t leave the blog world for 5 minutes without you getting into something, can we? 😉

    Why don’t you buy the lion and put a unicorn horn on it’s head? Just think how much your cats will love their king? 🙂 Sides, it already has wheels and an awesome grin!

  191. my heart is a little broken that we don’t get Pat pictures. Could you possibly photo shop pictures of Pat doing some of the wonderful suggestions, until we can get Pegasus a unicorn horn?

  192. I hope the person who bought Pat realizes that he/she just gave the internets a big ol’ sad.

    In my dreams, this story ends with you and Pat’s new human becoming friends and sticking up liquor stores together, using Pat (also wearing a ski mask) as your getaway vehicle. Why is it that the only dreams that come true involve being inappropriately naked?

  193. Victor should have bought both the lion and the unicorn for you. Then when he was leaving work for the day he could have said, “I’m going home now to the ‘Lion, the Witch and the Unicorn'”. Not that you’re a witch Jenny 🙂
    I love that it entered your head that Victor had bought if for you as a surprise.

  195. Oh Jenny…Thank you so much for the laughs! Sorry to hear Pat is sold. I was just trying to explain all your cool taxidermy to my son…He would enjoy the collection! You need to post pics of them all in an album. Or maybe as an appendix in your next book!

  197. Jennifer

    (EEPS! I just turned into your mother. ) First, since moving to Alabama I’ve taken the initiative to call us “Alabamaniacs.” If you could help spread the word I’d appreciate it.

    Second, I have to ask — who else in your fair city saw a Frankensteined kidnapped diarrhea ponycorn and said to themselves “I must have this now! Money is no object! Rupert bring the car around immediately! ” Perhaps you should investigate and attain an interview for a future blog post.

    Third…what the hell was third? Oh! Third, I would love to see the faces of the moving crew if you ever move again. (“What the hell is a ‘communalcorn’ and how are we supposed to wrap that?!”) Or also your faces when Hailey decides what she wants to take to college with her. (“Flyza Minelli will not fit in the trunk. We’ll have to buy her a convertible.”…..which makes it a triple win for Hailey.)

    Love you!

  198. Is there such a thing as Make A Wish foundation for adults? Who aren’t sick? Because it’s now my GOAL IN LIFE to have you take a picture of Flyza at the very least standing next to Harry Hamlin. I’m not sure Harry could actually fit on Flyza without major structural damage happening to both, so standing next to her would be the next best thing.

    Because everyone knows that Clash of the Titans was a life changing, seminal movie. And as we all learned with the Nathan String Incident, we might not get Harry, but we might end up with Patton Oswald braiding her mane or John Barrowman feeding her Skittles (taste the rainbow). The possibilities are endless.

    I’m off to donate.

  199. I triple dog dare you to take Pat to an amusement park and get his photo in front of one of those “you must be this tall to ride” signs.

  201. You’ve just given me inspiration for a potential near-future blog post. I am both impressed and scared. And I’m sorry you lost your uni, but I’m mostly impressed and scared. And now I need to research..and stop laughing. Congrats on helping those kids…even if they’re not made of magic.

  203. Ok. When you get your Pegasus up & running I’ll make pageant wear for it, because doesn’t everything in Texas have to be in a pageant? Or Halloween costumes. Because that’s what I do, & I’d kinda LOVE to add “costumed communalcorn Pegasus” to my resume which suddenly seems very boring by imagined standards.

  204. Ok. When you get your Pegasus up & running I’ll make pageant wear for it, because doesn’t everything in Texas have to be in a pageant? Or Halloween costumes. Because that’s what I do, & I’d kinda LOVE to add “costumed communalcorn Pegasus” to my resume which suddenly seems very boring by imagined standards.

  205. Oh, Jenny. I have been stalking your site for the last year and a half or so. I also bought your book, because I want to encourage you. If you will please make the unicorn success club certificate into business cards I can hand out to people for being awesome, you will have earned one for yourself. Although you may not want one, since they’re yours to start out with. Or maybe you will, because, you know. Validation. Think about it some night when you’re not sleeping. Please keep writing. You’re so very, very wonderfully weird.

  206. I had to buy this for my 14 year old daughter, Bethany. She has struggled with anxiety and today she was scared to do something and did it anyway. She ended up crying in front of her classmates, who were wonderfully supportive. She is still embarrassed but feels good about having done it. She is definitely Double Unicorn Success Club worthy. 🙂 She likes your book too.

  207. What are the odds that a taxidermied unicorn would sell before you could get to it? I call conspiracy. Lemme at ’em, I’ll splat ’em.

    You were darn close, by the way. Alabamian. 🙂

  208. Too bad that the Communalcorn was snatched up so quickly. Next time?
    You know the best thing about your blog? That 20 years from now when Haley is writing a blog as the “Bloggess 2” she will have twice the world experience to draw from in her tales!

  213. Damn. I had visions of a vehicle pulling Pat the Unicorn with you riding him. I mean, how cool would it be to be able to tell people you were riding your pet unicorn???

  214. I am sad that Pat sold. I really wanted to see you and Pat driving in a convertible, wearing shades, ala Thelma and Louise. With Pat driving.

  215. For the love of all that is holy please tell me this alicorn will be in the San Angelo stock show and rodeo parade!!! If so I WANT TO BE ON THAT FLOAT!!!!

  217. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to purchase Pat, but thank you for the insight into a wonderful charity! Project Night Night is a few dollars richer! We do it for the kids….am I right?! =^..^=

  219. This post just lightened up my mood more than I care to admit. ” Communalcorn” will be added to my list of favorite words…well, if I had a list that’s where it would go. I’m going to make a list, just so I can add it. Did you know you had that kind of power? Must be Communalcorn dust or something like that. Communalcorn is the word of the day, I’m going to use it in a sentence more than once tonight and it will make sense, damn it! I realize now however, that you can sell anything! Seriously—anything! That’s talent, or maybe just a whole lot of crazy– either way— you rock! Sorry you missed out on your dead, used, stuffed unicorn. Where else could I say something like that? Nowhere!

  220. Actually – June has the right idea. And the 24-25″ shofar’s are pretty reasonably priced (for a unicorn, probably anything 18-28″ long would work – if Flyza is pretty small you may need to keep it in the 10-18″ range)

  221. P.S.

    ‘The Lion and the Unicorn were fighting for the crown:
    The Lion beat the Unicorn all round the town.
    Some gave them white bread, some gave them brown:
    Some gave them plum-cake and drummed them out of town.’ –Lewis Carroll

    http://sabian.org/looking_glass7.php

  222. Only you could find an actual taxidermied unicorn. ON WHEELS. Oh. my. gosh.

    I just got images of a giant toddler pulling it along behind him, like that little wooden beagle-toy dog that we all used to have on a string and wheels, to pull along when we were kids. Except I couldn’t pull mine anywhere because all we had were bumpy dirt roads, a dirt driveway, and a dirt yard. So I kind of dragged it, because only city kids had SIDEWALKS, DUMMIES, WHY DID YOU EVEN BUY ME THIS? WE LIVE IN THE STICKS!!

    wow. Did I just say that out loud? Must be some repressed resentment or something… lol

  223. Next time let us donate any amount and download our own certificate as another option!
    I totally would have thrown $5 or $10 bucks in, but $35 plus shipping was a little steep for me — even for Double Unicorn Success Club Membership. Which… should be an actual thing with membership cards and dues and everything. I think you need to get on this! I’ll wear mine on a lanyard with my work badge!

  226. Of course, there is always the possibility that a stalker fan bought Pat _for_ you. And after he comes by to give it to you and Victor answers the door and tells him to naff off, he may be very upset and consider exacting his revenge on Victor. One morning, you might wake up, start to snuggle up next to Victor….and there will be Pat’s head….kapok and straw or whatever he’s stuffed with, flowing over the bed.

    Or, late one night, he can just position Pat next to Beyonce, ring the doorbell and run.

    Of course, the latter is preferable.

  227. I just have to say that my daughter has a light up unicorn pal pillow thing, and she refuses to call it a unicorn. She calls it a “taow” which is a cow in toddlerese.. she calls the horn a chonga. I looked up chonga to see if it was a word, and it was, and not one you want your daughter to tell anyone she has.

  229. So bummed you won’t own Pat. He would’ve been great in parades. Though really, if you’re going to take a rolling unicorn to parades, really need several rolling unicorns and a small band, so you can perform unicorn drills as you go. Because the only thing more awesome than one rolling unicorn is a half-dozen rolling unicorns dancing to music.

  230. I’m legitimately sad. In the time it took to read the crazy story of the unicorn, i fell in love with Pat, and now she? he? is gone. On the bright side Pat has probably gone to someone who loves unicorns, and anyone who would buy a real dead unicorn is probably bad-ass and should be a member of Double Unicorn Success Club.

    I wonder if it would be appropriate to say ‘rest in peace Pat’? I mean, Pat is technically dead, even though her new life in the Lawson household would have been an exciting new chapter in her existence.

    I love Flyza Minelli, though. She’s gonna be fantastic floating up there on some balloons 🙂

  232. Boy, I didn’t even see this until I got home from work and sat down to the computer. What excitement I missed! A crying shame the Communalcorn was sold before we could acquire it.

    Maybe next stuffed dead, diarrhea communalcorn.

  234. I laughed just as hard at the comments as the post…Jeople(Jenny people mix), you ROCK!

  235. I, too am a Drama Queen of the Singing River as is my sister-queen, Amanda P, who commented above (She is also the wise and generous soul who shared you with all of us). We’re ALL ABOUT some costumes and dressing up and what not, in North Alabama. But here’s what needs to happen. Get in touch with Jill Connor Browne, THE Sweet Potato Queen and negotiate a spot in her big sparkly parade. You’ve still got time! It’s in March, in Jackson, MS. As for Pat, Victor HAD to have hired somebody to do the buying. Maybe he was jealous and couldn’t bear to share you with Pat. We can put a posse together, go steal Pat back from the bastards and sling some awesome costume shit on Pat!!!!! Sequins, and feathers and beads! Oh my! What about a hot pink wig???? OMG. The very least you can do is go back and get that damn Lion, or Lion-ESS as the case may be. Btw, is Pat a male or female? I think I missed that part.

  236. It took me all of 2 seconds to plan my next vacation entirely around riding on that float. DAMN!!!

  239. I honestly cannot explain how much I love you! Also…I WANT THE UNICORN CRIME RING SHIRT TOO!!!!!

  242. Good Lord-you had me crying! Thank you so much because I needed a good laugh today. And yes, I still want to join up for the communalcorn/unicorn crime ring/success club!

  243. When you write stuff like, ” … finding the perfect unicorn horn for her (please send links if you see any) … ” do you get the kind of x-rated replies and pictures I would imagine? Or is the world a kinder place than I’ve been led to believe thus far?

    Love you.

  244. Damn it, why do I miss all the good stuff. Just a thought the lion was a shade of caramel that complimented “Communalcorn” perfectly. My apologies, even while looking at a dead animals my brain lapses straight to food. I could so see that parade. If it would make you feel any better I did spot ceramic unicorn salt and pepper shakers at Target today. No way Victor could object to those.
    -Gina-

  245. I think you need to create a children’s board book or series of books featuring your taxidermied friends as stars in quirky fairy tales or interesting stories for the unique children of your fans. I can totally see Pat in a small town parade, the mouse on the cummunity theater stage, the squirrel with apron running the town bakery, etc. Just an idea – I think your editor would go for it & you could crank those out so quickly – pocket money for when the next stuffed unicorn is available for purchase.

    Happy Friday!

  246. Apparently the banking laws of New Zealand prevent me in investing actual monies across international borders for diarrhea pony unicorns. And the so-called United Nations does nothing. Anyway, if you can smuggle him Down Under, we will be happy to let him sleep in the unicorn shed out the back. Just don’t ask us to cook for him. We are still in deep schtuk about the recent incident in the kitchen that I swear never happened.

  247. Jenny,

    You’re the real deal, young lady. Life gives you lemons and you go out and raise funds to buy unicorns.
    Fuck, you’re cool.

    Be well, my friend.

  248. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    DAMMIT THEY CAN TAKE OUR COMMUNALCORN BUT THEY CAN’T TAKE OUR FREEDOOOOOOM

    *checks*

    SHIT THEY TOOK OUR FREEDOOOOOOOOOM

  250. I’ve often thought that unicorns didn’t go away. They just went aquatic. Have you considered a taxidermied narwhal? Slap some legs on that fucker and BAM, insta-amphibiouscorn.

  251. Um, you probably missed it, but I totally Tweeted you a photo in August of a stuffed unicorn head from a store in San Francisco. I could probably dig up the name of the store and I still do have the picture, if you want. I know it’s not a whole unicorn, but maybe it’ll do?

    (I know the one. It’s in Paxton Gate and I almost bought it, but I couldn’t justify that much for just a head. It is lovely though. Brown and odd and smiling. ~ Jenny)

  252. If you’re putting a horn on the pegasus, won’t that make it a communal alicorn, or communalicorn? Because when it comes to taxidermied zebras with stuck on animal bits and horns and casters, accuracy is an integral part of the categorisation process. /nods

  253. I didn’t read through all the comments to see if anyone else was inspired, as was I, to Google “dead diarrhea pony” just because I knew I’d get a hit. But I did it. And I thought you might like to know you were the third hit. It’s a strange world out there…

  254. I just (attempted) to read this out loud to my sister-in-law, who bought us both your book for Christmas. Needless to say, I couldn’t get through it out loud without laughing to the point of crying. She was crying,too!! Our husbands didn’t find it as funny, probably because they are our Victors!! LOL WE LOVE YOU!!!

  255. Please don’t take this as an insult but you are from Texas and I am from Jersey and think your negotiation skills may be lacking and you fall for every story someone tells you and that justifies the asking price for you. You need to let someone go in there for you and get the ass on that price and get yourself a reasonably priced Pseudo-Unicorn. I am a Buyer for a living, let me have at it.

  256. Damnit, I was really looking forward to my share of Pat the Communalcorn. I wanted to request the left back hoof area for myself and my team. Sadtown.
    But hey, I am thrilled that, if I can’t own a portion of a Communalcorn that I can visit in parades, I was able to be a part of contributing to Project Night Night. Thanks, Jenny!

  258. You know I may be the only downer here but the whole thing of seeing a Lion and a Unicorn fighting for a crown reminded me of the passage in the chronicles’ of amber where they mentioned a flag of a lion disemboweling a unicorn as a protest against the amberites (been a while hope I am remembering right)
    That got me worried that the lion was gonna win and that you would buy the unicorn and somehow upset the pattern and sorry Jenny as much as we love you having you rewrite reality to your will while fun probably wouldn’t be the most stable thing. On the other had I am currently eating kettle corn so its not all bad

  259. Oh. Dear. God.
    This is the most badass idea…I’m an economist and I could make a freakin model on this and name it the Unicorn Success Club Model.
    Too bad Pat got away though… I would have blinded people with his awesomeness and then they wouldn’t care about all possible errors…he would have been like a damn whitener, but so much cooler.

  262. You know, I’m pretty sure I saw this in a movie once, and it starred Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel. And Estelle Winwood, who promised to play in “The Rape of Lucrecia.”

    Well, I too want everything I’ve seen on television. Which is unfortunate, because right now I’m watching Konga on Netflix.

  264. I think Pat would make a great holiday decoration. You could string a bunch of white lights on him/her (is it a boy or a girl? Or is it just “Pat” like the old SNL skits?) for Christmas and put Pat in your front yard. For Halloween you could give Pat wings and fangs, for Valentines Day you could cover him/her in hearts, for Thanksgicing Pat could be dressed as a turkey (seeing how he’s already stuffed…hee hee!). He/she could be like your year-round lawn decoration. Yay! 🙂

  265. I know he’s already gone….just ideas if you ever get him back or to get your current unicorn organized for all the fun Jenny and Flyza days you have planned………

  266. You should make inspirational posters of unicorns (possibly accompanied by dragons) in beautiful places like the Grand Canyon. And sell them in your shop. Unicorns and dragons. And give me permission to use them as set dressing in my tv shows…

  270. Like many others have speculated – dare I say, hoped – I too really want it to be that some very lovely person bought this for you and will soon be surprising you (as well as a dismayed Victor) with it.

    And to Donte: I clicked. Ow.

    P.S. I’ve been dating somebody for over a year (a rarity in my life) and received my first purchased gift from him a month or so ago (which translates to no Christmas gift, no Valentine’s, no birthday, no anniversary, etc.); it was your book. Hardcover, with a dust jacket and everything. I could not be more thrilled (on multiple levels).

  271. I’m sorry you missed out on the unicorn, but I think pegasuses are pretty fucking spectacular.

  272. This post came at just the right time for me and for a friend who has chosen a sparkly unicorn as her spirit animal. You see, she’s been battling cancers of various stripes for the last 5+ years and today, for the first time in 15 months, her tumor markers went DOWN! I was glad to purchase a Unicorn Success Club coffee mug from your shop to send to her to help celebrate this awesome news. Thank you for all you do! It’s truly inspiring.

  273. I can’t wait to see The Adventures of Flyza Minnelli!!! Take her to the park to play, and just sit on a bench reading (Let’s Pretend This Never Happened?) like it’s completely normal.
    And definitely stores. She needs to go in stores with you.

  275. You had me at “drag Pat up steep neighborhood hills, like some sort of magical, princess resistance-training”. I’m SO there!! Work on figuring that out while you fix castors to Flysa Minnelli. (I’m seeing tiaras!) And of course remaining completely adorable. Love you dearly for all the smiles you supply. xx

  278. But, the lion….???? Is he/she/it still for sale? That baby had POTENTIAL! I mean…when I’m feeling sad, snuggling in the big mane…sounds cozy. And the poor UPS dude…scare the crap out of him/her with an epic sound track…or hakuna matata….

  281. You are fucking hilarious. I just had to say it. But of course you already know this.
    My aunt kept her dead cat in the freezer for 6 months because the ground was too hard to bury him…if I had read your blog back then, I would totally have scored him for you. He’s not a tabby but he could’ve ridden Flyza Minnelli like in your artistic rendering.

  282. Obviously you were right when you said, ”UNICORNS ARE THE NEW KETTLE-CORN” because, once you’ve had some, you want more.

  283. A unicorn would make a great picture for the next book AND be a business deduction. Get the book finished!!!

  284. OK, so Pat is sold. This doesn’t mean we aren’t meant to share a communalcorn, it just means she was not the right communalcorn for us. There are other one-horned fish in the sea. They’re call norwhals, by the way. (Which, YES I KNOW are not really fish, but you get my point). Pat may be getting pulled down the street in someone else’s parade, but this is not defeat. This as a sign the we are all behind you and the universe just wants you to up your game. By the way, I have given your book as a gift to every woman I know who has experienced a gift-receiving occasion since I read it. No pressure for you to finish the next book, but…

  289. I think we should just all just look for another unicorn to buy. Or someone needs to find Pat’s buyer and renegotiate.

  292. i think this person should be asked to make the horn for you. https://www.etsy.com/listing/112727716/unicorn-horn-costume-horns-masquerade?ref=sr_gallery_10&ga_search_query=unicorn+horn+custom&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_order=price_desc&ga_page=0&ga_search_type=all
    there are some frightening things at http://www.etsy.com when you search for unicorn horn. I did find a crochet pattern to make little hats for cats that have a unicorn horn on them….

  293. Kinda upset that you didn’t get the communicorn! But it is so AWESOME that me money will go to homeless children!!! All because of your ‘crazyness’. I love your stuff Jenny!!!

    Big hugs from London! Loved your book!!!

    Vero xo

  294. My Daughter informs me that Unicorns do NOT have wings, and Pegasus’es? (what the heck is pleural of Pegasus?) do NOT have horns. SO….I think if you put a horn on a pegasus, you have a NEW SPECIES. PegaHORN? Uni-sus? Uni-Pegacorn? Uni-Pegahorn?
    Anyway, I like Uni-pegahorn myself. So your Uni-pegahorn could go to some animal rights/ or GMO conference and talk about what it is like to be genetically modified into a cross between two mythical creatures, and how it’s affected her personally, and how she is now sterile because, well, it’s like burros. They’re a cross between horses and donkeys, I think, and they’re sterile. Poor Uni-pegahorn. Can’t be a Mommy. Awwww….

  295. Everyone needs a unicorn! Victor should understand this. It should be a red dress item. A big, shiny, sparkly, red dress unicorn. A UNICORN IN A RED DRESS!

    Maybe one of your fans bought it for you?

  296. You could modify your 100% genuine baby Pegasus with a sawn-off narwhal horn (or ethical alternative), creating a winged unicorn colt. Galloping through the sky with adorable clumsiness, sometimes accidentally impaling people…. aaaaahhhh.

  302. The Lion and the Unicorn: Socialism and the English Genius is the title of an essay written by George Orwell. I wonder if the placement of a lion and a unicorn there was a reference.

  303. Disappointing that Pat was gone. So glad that you got to help Project Night Night. It seems like an amazing charity.

  304. Sometimes you excel yourself, Jenny. This is one of those times. I just imagined trying to explain this little saga to someone who wasn’t familiar with the weird universe that is the internet and just couldn’t!

    PS is taxidermy more a thing in the US? Cos I can’t imagine any use for a stuffed pony with a horn on its head that isn’t just pure comedy…

  305. I love unicorns. I’m so sad Pat sold….I guess someone else saw the beauty in him as well. I’m looking forward to seeing Flyza Minneli!

  306. I just feel like my life won’t be complete or worth living if I AM NOT IN THE DOUBLE UNICORN SUCCESS CLUB. because its the best thing I’ve ever seen.

  307. I have a need for a t-shirt with the unicorn on it that says “Dead, diarrhea commualcorn”. How epic would be it be to walk around in that?

  308. This is hands down the best idea ever! I can’t really help with the wheels and horn, but I can make a glittery cape! This uni needs a glittery cape.

  309. Best fucking pick me up ever! I am at work, hating life and the situation I am in, and BLAM, the Bloggess FORCES me to laugh until I pee my pants. If I put up the Comunalcorn certificate in my work space everyone will shake their heads and groan on how fucking crazy I am, but I will because it made me feel fucking awesome!

  310. I’m sorry … but am I the ONLY one wondering who else is bat-shit crazy enough to buy a taxidermied unicorn? Seriously? There are two of you out there -and in close enough proximity to both see Pat? I think you should advertise to find your soul-sister. This may be about MORE than one bad-ass unicorn.

  311. I so wish that you had gotten it, because I’m pretty sure that your tax write-off would have gotten all the IRS’s attention away from those of us who are claiming far less interesting, and yet totally more questionable deductions on their 2014 taxes.

  312. How did the unicorn get sold out from under us?! I’m really more sad about this than I should be. Thank goodness for Flyza and your awesomeness. I can’t wait for the follow up(s) to this; your 2nd book deadline be damned (ya, your “soon” post scared me into thinking we’d not see many posts from you for awhile and it made me mad at your book. Even though I already can’t wait to buy it). Anyway, Flyza with a horn; it’ll work. UNICORN SUCCESS CLUB FOR THE WIN!

  313. I was disappointed that I was unable to buy a share of a taxidermied unicorn. OTOH, I think my son was relieved that he will never be able to inherit a share of a taxidermied unicorn.

  314. I loved the part when you thought Victor bought it and asked him and he looked at you like you were crazy. HILARIOUS! And love the kitty riding the unicorn.

  318. I wonder if one of your loyal readers purchased Pat so that they could drive to your house, leave it on the front porch, ring the door bell and run….Of course, there would be a sign around his neck saying “Knock, Knock, Mother F#####! Or maybe it is your next anniversary present….from Victor!

    By the way, reading this just made my day!

  320. 1) How come when I dial wrong numbers (or when someone wrong-dials me) I never get a nice person that just wants to chat? That’s all I really want, man!

    2) This is the first time I’m seeing your Pegasus and DEAR GOD THAT IS THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.

    3) Communalcorn.

    This post has left me with a lot of feelings. Thanks a lot.

  321. I am beyond distressed that Pat the Unicorn does not belong to all of us. Who are these people who bought Pat? We must find them and make them an offer. Perhaps an offer they cannot refuse…

  322. There are no words beside ( oh my god) while said many times while laughing my ass off.
    Thank You, Jenny.

    Ps. Good luck to pat the unicorn 🙂

  323. I want to know who the heck bought Pat? That seems highly suspicious…..it’s a conspiracy!….LOL
    As I was reading I was getting all hyped up to be in the Pat club….Victor is too practical….next time…buy Pat and THEN put on the fund raiser and promise Victor that if you don’t raise enough funds…you’ll sell him. Then you could have posted (oral robert’s type) stuff like “If Pat doesn’t receive his cost by this certain date…God is going to call him home (again)”……I could totally see you & Pat in a parade! Hugs!

  324. I am reading your blog while I’m at work (on my supposed lunch hour, of course).

    One of the managers just walked by my office and caught me laughing out loud at my desk – this never happens – so he stopped to ask my why I was laughing. I couldn’t go into detail – just told him I thought of something that makes me laugh.
    But I’m sure he’s suspicious – no one around here ever laughs out loud while they are sitting at their desk working…………………….

    Thanks for making my lunch hour 😉

  325. I am very sad that Pat was sold to someone else. I have never donated money to any online cause, but this one would have been my first. Everyone needs a badass unicorn on wheels. May something equally as impressive find its way into your heart.

  326. Oh my gosh this hurts. Laughing so much about communalcorn and Flyza Minelli with wheels floating from balloons and the fact that obviously you are not impulsive enough. I do recognize the difficulty in expensive impulse buys when faced with the ‘voice of reason’.

  327. I am not sure you will get this buried in your comments, but I went to New Braunfels High School where the mascot is none other than the Mighty Fighting UNICORNS. Yep. Not Kidding.

    And since you live in Texas, I KNOW you know where New Braunfels is because of Schlitterbahn. Anyways, back to the point.

    The school has a large unicorn (not taxidermied, unfortunately) on wheels that is pulled in front of the fans by Unicorn Handlers when the team scores at football games. Yep. Not kidding. Again.

    Mayhaps you could at least practice pulling/pushing a unicorn on wheels in preparation of when you get your own?! I bet you can work your magic on one of the coaches or administrators for at least one practice round… just to see if you’re cut out for it?! Or maybe you can at least take a few marketing snapshots?!

    And you can be jealous, when I was in high school I was a Unicorn Handler- tho I have never been proud of that fact until today. I guess I now need to add that to my resume… “experience with unicorn on wheels”.

  329. This was just what I needed to read today. I am so sad you were not able to buy Pat. There is always next time. But, in this case probably not!

  330. I feel like I need to console you and say that Pat’s in a better place, but I suspect he may not be. Pat is probably in some serial killer’s basement watching said killer re-enact fairy tales via puppet show.

    But I don’t want to make you feel bad about not having enough money to rescue Pat before he went to that dungeon of terror, so I will just tell you that Pat’s in a better place.

  332. OMG! I walked by that shop last week! So very weird to stumble across it here.

    They had a bunch of taxidermy, including a wolf with a definite smirk on his face, you would have loved it.

  334. 1. We live near SF and my kids gave all their excess stuffies to Project Night Night. Win/win/win: they got stuffies, we got some airspace back, and the kids are excited to be doing good things.

    2. You need to have the money in hand when you find communalcorns so you need to do another fundraiser to have that stash ready. (what do famous Alabaman communalcorns go for, anyway?). We’ll all be excited to be part of the hunt, of course. You can put our pennies in an escrow account so that it’s all on the up and up. And of course it’s a business expense!!! You need product to sell, i.e. the original artifact so you own all copyrights to derivative artwork that you put up in your store. I’m waiting for it, git that in the store ASAP!

    3. Could your dad do a replica for you?

    4. Gemsbok horn from Paxton Gate. Like, duh. I mean, really, you didn’t know that already? That’s where all the best unicorn horns come from. (I was a bit astonished that you’d already been to Paxton Gate when you were in SF but it’s just such an obvious connection for you. I gave my kids bits of meteorite for Christmas…how many places can you walk into and find meteorites??)

    5. The inflatable unicorn horns are fantastic on kids and cats but not big enough for horses.

    6. Almost forgot what I came here for…..which was to say thanks for de-stigmatizing depression. A friend’s teen just went into hospital and it’s been great to explain what a triumph it is to get treatment started! I’m sending her your way so she can find support and humor as their family over-builds their character through hard times.

  336. Ok wait, really, Petaluma? If that’s true, I bet it was bought by an interior decorator for a techie billionaire. And any techie billionaire with a sense of humor to buy a dead diarrheal ponycorn should have enough of a sense of humor to release it to the Double Unicorn Success Club. So I’m gonna goad the SF Chronicle into finding out what happened to Pat.

    Go to http://www.SFGATE.com and send a letter to the editor demanding to know where Pat is. Let’s get the ball rolling!

  338. Yes, I am IN San Francisco—walking distance to the amaze-balls Paxton Gate…please let me know if I can buy you a horn for your/our communalponycorn!! 😀

    Also and completely and without any relation, I nominated you to be a curator on Quarterly…just sayin’!

    Ms. The Bloggess—you make me proud to be a (Ex-Pat) Texan woman and make me feel pretty damn warm and fuzzy about my own mental struggles and awkward interactions with the whole G-D world.

    xoxo ~J

  339. I am so glad I just discovered this blog today rather than last Monday when I was drunk. I would have been “Hell Yea she is getting her diariaia skateboard dog with one antler” Tuesday “I spent thousands on WTF??” You now have to put a anti drunk feature on your site. To keep weak minded people like me away. Just make us solve a puzzle to be able to donate. I.E. Can green socks be worn with blue pants? Heck I can get that one right now. Sorry to hear about unihorse.

  340. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant… I’m a babbling baby just birthed into this whole blogging word, and dang it all if I don’t hope you’re my big sister!

    ps…. totally a unicorn fan!

  342. Fuck. I think I love you. I almost teared up at this. The fact that you have a taxadermied pegasus….incredible. Your appreciation for unicorns….stole my heart. I had a ten foot tall balloonicorn (bride unicorn AND groom unicorn!) statue at my wedding, because my sister is the most amazing woman I know. I’d love to show you the picture of it sometime!!

  343. I just showed my 6 year old daughter the unicorn picture & told her it was on wheels so she can pull it around the neighborhood. She’s laughing her little butt off at the idea!

  345. I’ve had a terrible past couple of hours so I decided to check out your blog again to make myself feel better and this post cheered me up immensely so thank you for being completely awesome.

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