Socks will kill you.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

A quick note before we start:  Victor’s meemaw came through the quadruple bypass and is doing well.  Thanks for all the kind thoughts, you guys.  She was blown away to know that so many people were pulling for her.  If things go as planned she’ll be back home and stronger than ever in a few weeks.

And now, back to business as normal…

You know when you’re putting on your socks while you’re walking out of the bedroom and your left sock doesn’t want to cooperate so you have to sort of pause while bent over and you start to lose your balance so you just rest your head on your closed bedroom door while you pull on the rest of the sock, but then your husband comes in and when he pushes the door open he totally knocks you over and then he sees you on the floor with one sock on and an angry, accusing look on your face and he’s like “What the hell are you doing on the floor?” and you tell him that he hit you with the door and he says that it’s not possible because he would have heard your head hit the door, but you explain that there was no way to hear the thump because your head was already resting on the door because of your socks, and then he just looks at you like it’s your fault.  But it’s not.  It’s your sock’s fault.  Or possibly the door’s fault.

There isn’t a point to this.  Except that people need to knock before they open the door.

And that I need an ice-pack.

*******************

And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means its time for the weekly wrap-up:

sid

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by SilkWords, a new website that offers a first-of-its-kind reading experience for women’s fiction.  It’s basically like choose-your-own-adventure, but for grown-ups.  You should probably check it out (if you’re 18 or older).

101 thoughts on “Socks will kill you.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. We have a danger lurking in our bedroom too. Our “sleigh bed” has a gentle curve at the foot, this curve is the height of my thigh. I bang into it, on average, 6 times a week. Every single time I cry out and the curse myself. If Sean is nearby I can almost blame him for it.

  5. Nearly knocked out my front teeth putting on underpants, would have been a terrific story but holy balls!

  12. Socks hate us. This is why half of them flee out the dryer vent at the first opportunity. I’d hate me too if I stepped on me all day.

  13. It is excellent news that Meemaw is doing well!

    Also, matching socks are bad luck… so maybe try mismatching them for better luck? (I tell my four heathens this because they refuse to help me mate socks and with 5 people … that is a hella lot of socks.)

  14. You close your bedroom door? You have cats, a kid, a husband. Isn’t that just an act of futility?

    (I close my bedroom door because we have cats, a kid and a husband. It gives a small illusion of privacy for a few seconds a day. ~ Jenny)

  17. MY mother picked meemaw for her grandparent title too!!! Best one ever in my opinion. She calls the grandkids ‘moon pies’ Is Victor a ‘moon pie?’ or is that just my mom?

  18. New theory: the socks are taking their revenge on us for becoming separated from their partners in the laundry. They know blaming us won’t bring the other socks back, but they’re just so angry at the world.

  21. I think I made some of the figure skating faces, while looking at the figure skating faces. It’s like and Escher sketch…or and etch-a-sketch…or something…

  23. Speaking of socks,I think I’m coming down with bronchitis and last night I couldn’t find clean socks so I just put on flip flops. When questioned about my shoe choice since I’m sick, I told people it took too much energy!

  24. “You know when you’re putting on your socks while you’re walking out of the bedroom and your left sock doesn’t want to cooperate so you have to sort of pause while bent over and you start to lose your balance so you just rest your head on your closed bedroom door while you pull on the rest of the sock, but then your husband comes in and when he pushes the door open he totally knocks you over and then he sees you on the floor with one sock on and an angry, accusing look on your face and he’s like “What the hell are you doing on the floor?” and you tell him that he hit you with the door and he says that it’s not possible because he would have heard your head hit the door, but you explain that there was no way to hear the thump because your head was already resting on the door because of your socks, and then he just looks at you like it’s your fault.” LONGEST (and funniest) SENTENCE EVER!

  28. I got up to tend to a crying baby last night and misjudged where I was in the room when I got back in bed. Rather than flopping back down onto a pile of pillows, I plowed face first into the wall. I have a purple lump on my forehead this morning, and I can’t even offer people a good injury story. So things that could also kill you: crying babies, walls, the dark.

  29. the star wars wampa head? oh my god. makes me wish I was crafty, too. just to make wonky shit. why is their fireplace fuzzy? like it’s really porn?

  31. That’s why God invented flip flops.

    Go Meemaw! Hope she’s pinching cute male nurses.

  32. I’ve been waiting for someone to reveal socks for the shifty criminals that they are. My socks act like Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption and try to escape every single time I do laundry by clinging to the insides of cotton shirts thinking I won’t find them there.

  33. I had socks try to kill me on a flight of stairs once. That incident led to the understanding that morphine doesn’t kill pain for me, it just kills my sense of humor.

    Scary what you will learn in an ER.

  34. Yay for Victor’s Meemaw!! Love it when there’s good news somewhere before getting to enjoy one of your posts. 🙂

    Socks are evil. Period. That would be why I only put them on if I have to leave the house and why I love summer and sandal weather.

  38. My long socks almost killed me yesterday. I was changing the baby’s mattress and my long sock got stuck under the mattress and I couldn’t stand up. I tried to use the other foot as leverage, and then that foot got stuck too. It was ridiculous. Long socks kill.

  39. I bought a bunch of those really short socks (they probably don’t even qualify as socks. If there are sock parameters). They are awful. They end up somehow creeping down in my shoes while I wear them, until they are 80% off and just bunched around my toes.

    Anyway. Thank you for posting a link to my Wampa head! He’s staring at me right now.

  40. My feet have severe sock anxiety. My toes are extremely claustrophic. Socks are truly evil.

  41. I bought a bunch of those really short socks (they probably don’t even qualify as socks. If there are sock parameters). They are awful. They end up somehow creeping down in my shoes while I wear them, until they are 80% off and just bunched around my toes.

    Anyway. Thank you for posting a link to my living room! It’s basically one big arts and crafts project.

  43. Not in reference to this post, exactly, but thinking of you, Jenny, and all that you do and that you go through helps me with a wide variety of challenges in my own life. Thank you.

  44. I have this thing about not wearing ski boots in the house, mostly because I figure they’ll track in a lot of dirt. Last Monday, I forgot my phone in the kitchen as usual and went in to retrieve it. I looked at my boots and took huge strides on the hardwood floors. I snatched the phone, spun around and slipped. I smacked my head on the corner of the wall. Thank God I had put on my ski hood and hat or it would have split my head open. Next time I’ll wear a helmet.

  45. I think you have a strong lawsuit on ya hands against the sock manufacturer. Thanks for having spellcheck bc I like totally cannot spell manufacturer. I had to cheat and look up where the spellchecker helped me.

  46. I may have lost some brains cells, since I keep doing spaced out crap like losing my favorite jacket, forgetting to wear my knee brace before skiing and posting my comment before linking my latest blog post….

  47. I’m the poster girl for “Death by Birkenstock.” One slippery deck, a worn pair of Birks, and two little dogs that needed to pee at 11:00 at night. Went down several stairs on my butt, landing spread eagled on concrete. Nearly 20 years later I still have a dent in my behind. When I crawled upstairs, my husband said he thought he’d heard a noise, but just thought I’d dropped some books.

  48. Yep…..totally happens to me, too….or the absence of socks because you’re a little lazy andwhile walking down the stairs your big toe getS caught in the flappy legs of your pajamas because you’re a little pigeon toed so you stumble down the stairs and hit the wall. Yeah that crap happens to me too!

  51. I cannot dress and walk at the same time. Pulling my shirt over my head while in any forward motion and I will whack my elbow on a door frame. Just the fact that you were trying to put socks on your feet while your feet were moving blows my mind.

  53. I have always believed that socks are sinister. How awful do you feel after having a Bad Sock Day, when the seam is just in the wrong place, and you can’t make it stop killing your little toe? Good socks are like good bed linens- hard to find but completely necessary.

  56. All sorts of things are plotting to kill my husband. Basically, any object in the house is probably right now coming up with schemes that involve tripping up, falling on, hiding from or otherwise antagonising the poor guy.

    I don’t suffer from the same persecution, but I am (generally) sympathetic.

  57. Also slippers. In Portland OR, we have to have calf-high, fleece, rubber-soled slippers. One day I slipped while (heh) slipping them on. Fell on my back after bouncing my head off the laundry basket. Two minutes later, Dave is upstairs wondering what I did to myself. Luckily, I pulled up my pants before he came in the room because THAT would have been embarrassing.

  58. As usual love Jenny`s warped fabulous humor!! Mostly impressed you were able to locate 2 socks juxtaposed in an actual sock drawer. Who does that? I must often wait for my Golden Retriever Max to throw up the second sock that I have been trying to locate to the pair I have chosen to wear. This may take minutes or days. Sometimes my yard manager will pointedly show me an odd item with pink detailing in the distant front yard…and boom there it is my pair is completed!

  59. I usually have that same problem with pants…you know how you get one foot in and the other one gets caught in the crotch so you lose your balance and strain your wrist trying to catch yourself on the dresser in front of you? Yeah, that’s me. Almost every time.

  60. You need to stop closing doors. But yeah, socks are deadly. Besides the not going on, there’s the sliding across floors and the twisting inside your shoe. Evil things, socks.

  61. Wow, its seems like your husband still has the ability to knock your socks off lol…very funny story, thanks for sharing 🙂

  65. The Olympic Figure Skating Faces. Hmmm, sometimes I make those faces when I put makeup on. LOL Actually, I think the one in suspenders looks like Urkell, without the glasses, of course.

  67. Who eats only that small of an amount of Jelly Belly’s at one time? Or even would need to store that amount? I must be an addict because I’m sitting at PVD and just consumed an entire bag of SOUR JB’s. That or I’m really bored from having sat here for 3 hours already with 2 still to go. Airports make me wish my husband were hitting me in the head with a door…..

  68. Re the Sleigh bed. Hubby and I just bought a new bed and spent hours walking around the corners of every bed in every shop to make sure the legs didn’t stick out too much. When we stay at my Mum’s we both lose our little toes three times a day on the bed legs that stick out just a bit too much, or dent our shins on the bed corner. It’s such an important aspect of bed design that too many people overlook and then end up with dislocated little toes.

  69. The socks have broken away from the other garments in my house to form their own resistance group. They recruit in the dryer I believe – selecting lonely socks that feel like they “don’t fit in”. I’m pretty sure they have a sleeper cell going on in my dresser right now. I hate socks too.

  71. yay Meemaw! Well done! Heal well! The Interwebs are happy you’re on the road to healing!

    Socks. Well, yes. What do you expect from a garment named after a President’s cat? Just sayin’.

  72. By the time Sunday afternoon hits, I’m already thinking about work on Monday, which is a HUGE bummer. Luckily, I know the weekly wrap up will pull me back into the moment and put a smile on my face — helping to stave off Monday morning for a little bit longer. So thanks for that!

  73. If you wouldn’t wear socks, you wouldn’t have this particular problem. I have a thing about being able to feel seams so I don’t wear them often. Works for me.

  74. Socks are rude. They always do that shit to me, I’m definitely gonna die someday cause of them. I have a huge bruise right now from this EXACT SITUATION.

    Rude.

  75. Whenever my parents would wax our hardwood floors we would all be tip toeing around in our socks for a while to avoid injury. It was fun if you were trying to slide around. Not so much if you were rushing to answer the phone…

  76. Good news about MeeMaw! Best wishes for a speedy recovery. Glad she’s doing well!

  78. Literally thought this said Memaw would be back and STRANGER than ever in a few weeks. Which is totally fine if that’s how Memaw wants it because I firmly believe that after a certain age you should be able to do whatever the hell ya want, and if Memaw wants to be strange, by God let her be!

  79. Socks are the devil’s work put on earth to drive us all mad! I have baskets full of mismatched socks and every so often I just dump them all in a bag and donate and start fresh with new socks for everyone. We always end up right back where we started, but for a few weeks we have sock sanity!

  81. And now we know why I’m not an Olympic figure skater…. Well, that and I’m not athletic.

  82. @Monica the fireplace is artwork done in 8-bit graphics like early generation videogames.

    The skating faces are fantastic — just goes to show you what gravity and centripetal force will do to you when you’re moving fast enough!

  84. Definitely true. Thought I was the only one who has sock issues.

    Better to lean your head on the actual door than the door jamb (jam?), because then when someone comes bursting through, they won’t hit you in the face with the actual door. Not that that’s ever happened to me…

    I especially hate the other Big One: The hole in the sock thing, where you have one toe that is being strangled, but you’d have to take off your shoe to deal with it.

  86. I’m absolutely amazed that you even try to put your socks on while standing up. I practically fall over just thinking about it. You are Superwoman!

  87. When I read, “socks will kill you” I pictured accidently sitting on one of my very sharp sock knitting needles…which is not where you were going at all. Your sewing machine bit was beyond funny. Happy Monday! 🙂

  88. I would hope that even though there was no head-to-door thump, that he would have at least heard your body hit the floor.
    Sounds like socks just aren’t worth it. That, or the privacy of closed doors.

  89. I can’t be certain, but I think it’s possible Victor is trying to kill you. At least, sub-consciously. I’m sure he had something to do with the murderous sock.

  90. You need an ice-pick? Oops, my mistake. It’s ice-pack. Although an ice-pick seems to be in order. You could use it as a sock-horn. Or a tool for revenge.

  92. Happy to hear Meemaw is doing well. (I assume Meemah is the equivalent of Nana here in Canada.)

    As for the sock technique, that usually happens to me when I try to take off my boots… except it’s my butt resting against the door… and my head that plows into the closet door when the hubs opens the door at my butt. And the cats laugh, and laugh…

  96. So the moral of the story is don’t have socks without protection? On your head?

  97. I hate socks too. My husband has about 500 pairs of navy and black socks that look exactly the same color to me, so every morning when he asks, “Are these blue or black?” I just pick a color. My dogs also carry dirty socks all around the house, so we have many mismatches. The rule in this house is: “If you can’t find your mate in one week, then you are going in the trash.” Our sock budget is large.

  99. The length and frequency in which a cat or dog will require acupuncture treatments depends upon your pet condition as well as the way of stimulation (e.g., aquacupuncture, electroacupuncture, etc). An acute, simple medical issue, such as a sprain, might be treated with one particular acupuncture treatment while an even more complex, chronic problem, like arthritis, usually takes several sessions. Additionally, great and bad the treatments is determined by the situation undergoing treatment, the ability of the veterinary acupuncturist, as well as the length and frequency of sessions.

  100. I’m wearing socks less and less often each summer, problem is I still have to wear them all winter :D.

  101. I know EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. Except instead of a husband it was a husky, and I was resting my head against the door because I was having a complete mental breakdown.

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