Men don’t understand cravings.

in Random Crap

Conversation with Victor:

Me: I think I’m craving heroin.

Victor: What?

Me: Well, I assume it’s heroin.  It could be crack.  I don’t really know.

Victor:  Start over.  Make sense this time.

Me:  You know when you’re craving something, but nothing satisfies the craving and so you just keep eating?  But nothing works and so you’re full but you’re still craving something but still you don’t even know what it is that will satisfy the craving?

Victor:  Not really.

Me: Well, normal people do and I’m one of them, and I’ve eaten everything in the pantry and I’m still craving something else so I’m assuming it must be something I’ve never had before.  Something like heroin.

Victor:  Right.  So popcorn didn’t satisfy you, so you just automatically assume you need heroin?

Me:  Or maybe meth.  Maybe I need to find a meth lab.

Victor: Just stop talking.

Me:  I was just thinking that meth labs aren’t like regular labs because they’re faster than regular labs.  Like, if I need to know if my chest x-rays are clean it takes days for a doctor to let me know, but if I go down to that meth lab by the lake I’d probably get served immediately.  Or shot immediately.  One of those.

Victor: How do you even know where a meth lab is?

Me: I don’t, but I just assume that there are some by the lake.  Because scientists like water sports.

Victor: Scientists?

Me: I’m pretty sure if you work in a lab all day you’re considered a scientist.

Victor:  Not if it’s a meth lab.

me:  It’s a loose definition, but I’m pretty sure it still counts.

PS. Don’t do drugs.  I’m not sure why I even need to say that but I assume someone will see this post and tell me that saying meth labs give fast service encourages drug use.  It doesn’t, but if you think silly words are enough to make people become drug addicts then you probably also think that me saying “don’t do drugs” is enough to stop people from ever becoming addicts.  Because apparently my words are magic.  Who knew?  So love your fellow neighbor, stop making the Kardashians famous, and send me a dollar.

289 thoughts on “Men don’t understand cravings.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. You are craving Green chile. I never knew what I was craving either until I moved to New Mexico and holy cow, it’s the best. Now I can get it whenever I want. You can too, they sell it at Sam’s.

    And yes, for meth go to the lake, Canyon Lake, it’s not too far from you. It’s full of Meth heads!

  4. My friend M. and I call this “Yak.” We were standing in my mom’s kitchen, having exactly the same conversation, about how you can crave something, and just a single serving of the craved food is perfect and satisfying… but bowl after bowl of non-craved foods don’t fill the hollow spot. At that point, my teenage brother came in and started just EMPTYING the fridge… meat salad, pork and beans, hot dogs, cheese sauce, a piece of lasagne, some pudding… and I turned to M. and said, “See, Richard is craving that rare Lithuanian yak, and he’s not going to stop eating until he’s found it.” It became a code for “What is the thing that you’re having a craving for today?” and we’d go on epic, road-trip Yak Hunts to find the crispy chips, or that ice cream with the coconut flakes at that one little place, or whatever that night’s yak was. Fond memories!

  5. AMEN!!!! but most importantly ” STOP MAKING THE KARDASHIANS FAMOUS.”!!!!

  8. Your logic is sound there. Scientists must be the ones making meth. Never thought of that before, but I’ll be sure to pass on that tidbit of advice to everyone I know.

  9. We had a meth-lab a few blocks away from us. We knew because we heard helicopters flying overhead and we turned on the news and saw an aerial “live” news feed of our ‘hood and the street was blocked off and there were floodlights and people running around in Haz-Mat suits.

    I was all: “Look! It’s that house a couple of blocks over!”

    And my husband was all: “Naaaahhhh!”

    And then I was all: “YEAH!! Let’s drive over there!!”

    (See? You and Victor aren’t the only ones who have conversations like that. Just thought you’d like to know!)

    So yeah, we drove over there, and the cops were all “Keep moving…” so we went back home to watch it – from the sky – on the news instead.

    P.S. We didn’t get any meth. I figured I should mention that.

  10. I’m craving mac n cheese…which is kind of like crack I guess…and to avoid making and eating mac n cheese, I then eat everything else. Sigh. I should just make the damn mac n cheese.

  13. You want something with mustard – Grey Poupon or a knockoff – anything dipped in mustard. Well, not anything, almost anything. Or just some nice dark chocolate chips.

  14. GREAT. Now I’m addicted to heroin. Turns out the answer was muffins. But we didn’t have any, so, there ya go.

    (More people need to use muffins in the war against drugs. No one ever thinks about muffins. ~ Jenny)

  15. Hmmm…I didn’t know scientists like water sports. I picture scientists as nerdy guys with pasty skin who need to stay out of the sun.

  16. I’m just going to keep eating chocolate until my body realises that chocolate is better than anything else it could be craving.

  18. With me, if I can’t find what I’m craving, it’s probably because there’s a sudden Sour Patch Kids shortage in the house. Because Lord knows the cabinet and fridge are so full you couldn’t fit another single CARROT STICK OR WHOLE GRAIN BOX OF CRACKERS in them.

    Not that I’m bitter. About going on a raw-food diet lately. Gahhh

    And, the phrase “just stop talking” comes up a lot at our house…glad to see it’s not just me.

  20. They say that Oreos are as addictive as cocaine. Maybe you should start there? Instead of going straight to the heavy duty stuff. I’d suggest “Double Stuff” Oreos, just to be sure you get the full benefit of the experiment.

  21. that’s hilarious. I don’t care who you are. And I didn’t read encouragement for drug use anywhere in that post…only encouragement to explore alternate means of satisfaction for cravings…and like Rhonda said, I didn’t know scientists enjoyed water sports, but maybe that could be a new thing.

  22. For the love of God don’t google “scientists love water sports”, Rhonda. It can’t end well.

  26. Know what bugs me? Why do meth labs always pop up by lakes? Is it like nuclear power and they have to be near a water source? Do nuclear plants even have to be by water? Um…I’m going to be quiet now, because I’m just making my confusion worse.

  28. Don’t forget how scary those mug shots of people who do meth are – so if you are shallow go with the teeth rotting and the face boils as a good reason to not do meth.

  29. At least I know now what it is that I’m craving when I stand in front of the refrigerator or the pantry shelves or the refrigerator … and I’m full because of all the strange things I’ve eaten, but my mouth is still craving … heroin?

  30. I hate that feeling! Last night I thought it was marshmallows. Who knew it was really heroin?

  31. You’re craving Takos (with a silent S) – it’s TAKOS Tuesday, Victor should know this he saw the Lego Movie

  34. But now there’s all that new data about willpower and how the brain doesn’t actually understand the word no, so when you say “Don’t do drugs”, you’re actually telling our brains TO do drugs. It’s so complicated that I suddenly have a craving for popcorn…

  36. Your Victor and my Art must be related. I get the “start over and make sense” all the time. Also the “stop talking”, except his takes the form of a deep sigh and a resigned “Yes, dear. Anything you say, dear.”

  37. I’m pretty sure some foods are laced with crack because they’re so MOREISH! Also: is MSG just a fancy way of telling the consumer that there’s narcotics in the product? I’m looking at you, Pringles!

  39. I’m pretty much an atheist, but if this post makes people stop making the Kardashians famous, then I’ll believe in God because my prayers will be answered. But only if the lack of famousness includes Kanye too.

  41. Come on…. so disappointed in Victor. He should know better. I mean what did he do when you were pregnant?! I’m pregnant and last week my husband lovingly, albeit quizzically, held me while I wept (like major ugly cry, wept) with happiness that it was the best day of my life having pickles and vanilla cupcakes for lunch.

  42. I get that feeling too…..but for me it’s known as my food addiction. Worse than heroin, cause you HAVE to eat.

  46. OK people. I am a scientist and I am NOT:
    1. a man
    2. white and pasty
    3. “in to” water sports (but I do like swimming)

    What I AM
    1. a woman
    2. kind of dark for a person of European ancestry
    3. working in a lab all day

    I just wanted to stand up for scientists here and say that, for the millionth time, yes we could all make meth, but the vast majority of us don’t because we’re nice people and that would be wrong. So go hug a scientist and thank them for not flooding the market with excellent, high quality drugs of high purity because it would make our drug problem even worse. Or don’t hug a scientist, just be friendly and maybe buy us a gourmet coffee, because coffee is LIKE crack or meth or heroine but without the ability to give you terrible skin.

  47. I think the craving you are experiencing is for Cadbury Mini Eggs. Those things are made of crack.

  48. Has Victor honestly never had a craving like that? I always suspected there was something un-human about him. He’s an alien, isn’t he?

  50. I already loved you…..but even more so now. PLEASE stop making the kardashians famous

  52. It’s wine for me. Always wine. But it has to be from the actual country I was craving.

  53. I have never wished so badly for “like” buttons on blog comments! Hilarious!

  56. I think you could be craving shopping for a new pair of boots. I am suspicious that
    the food craving section of my brain is located in the same place as the shoe shopping section.

  57. Men do not get cravings. I watched my parents yo-yo diet as I grew up. I remember my dad telling me that he would just imagine chocolate cake I a giant piece of lard on his stomach and then he would be completely turned off. I didn’t know how to respond. If I’m craving chocolate cake, I have to eat it. Fat be damned! I’ll deal with that later.

  58. My understanding is if you’re looking for meth labs, Missouri is the state to visit. Meth capital of the U.S. And everyone PLEASE stop making the Kardashians famous. Same goes for Kanye.

  59. I’ve been craving something for 40 pounds…heroin would be cheaper and I’d be thinner, but then I’d probably be so stoned I’d watch the Kardashian”s for the first time and get addicted to them. For your sake and yours alone I’ll forgo heroin, keep the extra pounds as I search for that elusive craving so the evil Kardashian empire won’t gain another victim; but since I’m keeping the forty pounds you can’t have a dollar.

  61. I’ve always said that the rice that Chipotle uses is topped with heroin because it is SO good & addicting!

  62. you are craving the marshmallows from cereal. not the cereal, just the marshmallows. i know this because i just ordered some from think geek and they are yummy and should be worshipped. ahem eaten. and, as an aside, why does wordpress insist that worshipped is spelled with only one ‘p’?

  63. I cannot believe that this concept has eluded us for so long! Bravo for solving yet another mystery of the universe…I’ll just go shoot up now…or try yet another flavor of Ben and Jerry’s…or both.

  65. You said it, sister! I could have used your insightful and hysterical words for the last 42 years. So glad to have found them now.

  66. It’s true, some scientists like to be peed on. Oh, you mean actual water sports? With skis and stuff? Yeah, I guess.

  69. At least someone will deliver drugs right to your house (I’m assuming this is a thing since I see it on TV) but no one will bring me the Ben and Jerry’s Core ice cream I’ve been craving since I read about it (don’t look this up, you’ll crave it too).

    I think this means that we lost the drug war. If they delivered ice cream, we’d probably win the drug war. That is simple deduction.

  70. I’m Craving A Reese’s Cup, But I’m Too Lazy To Go To The Store. I Wonder If I Shoot Off A Flare Gun If Someone Will Come To Get Me A Reese’s Cup. I’ll Probably Get Arrested Instead. Only One Way To Find Out… See You In The Papers Or The Internet!

  71. Where do I make my dollar payable to?

    Also I love that you are spot on with ppl thinking you saying meth labs are like the drive through of drug use and Don’t do drugs will determine if someone goes out and uses.

    Use your magic words to tell my seven year old that Mommy is always right, the car dealer to give me a permanent loaner, the bank to give me a foreclosed house and my life will be Double Unicorn Awesome!!

    Mwahs!

  72. Totally understand this. I pretty much base every dinner on what I’m craving. Most of the time it’s just something with a heckuva lot of flavour – either salty, sweet, creamy, or umm, salty. I like salt. That’s not a code word for drugs, I swear.

  74. most likely you were thirsty. we first worlders apparently get confused over that one. who knew? the guy on 20/20 or whatever the hell it was, that’s who.

  78. Donuts. Warm donuts are like crack. My donut dealer and I talk about that every Saturday morning when I pick up my crack and milk.

  79. i just read that chocolate chip cookies and monopoly were invented the same year…probably by scientists who had yet to discover meth, but were sure there would be cravings and were poised to monopolize on it. plus the whole ‘get out of jail free card’ implies scientific hypothesizing.

  80. I agree with everything you said, especially the Kardashians. I’ll have to owe you the buck, though. I’m a little short this week. Spent it all on meth.

  81. The whole “Just say no,” campaign was based on the concept that the best way to solve a national epidemic of self-medication and addiction was by indoctrinating a generation with a generalized slogan of negativity.

  83. To what address do I send such a loving anti-Kardashian Dollar?

    Also, You forgot to mention the rock solid scientist proof that there are merit badges for watersports, and Girl Scout cookies obviously contain meth, so meth makers ARE scientists. Or unicorns. Or sciency rainbow meth-a-corns!!

  85. Homemade lasagna is my crack, and it usually takes about 3 days of fridge, freezer and pantry grazing before I figure out I need a fix

  86. This was great! My husband stopped listening while I read it to him right around “Scientists”.

    I absolutely know the craving feelings and I think Victor does too, he just doesn’t want to tell you the name of his dealer because then you’re going to know about his deep dark secret and he’s afraid you’ll annoy the dealer and Victor will be cut-off as a result.

  87. I’ve had crazy insatiable cravings before… where I eat X because it sounded good but it only made me want something else. I get it!

  88. Of course methmakers are scientists…sort of. If we are to believe Breaking Bad, there are chemical rules and formulas to follow…so one could call a methmaker a scientist if they were feeling generous (or threatened).

    I may be craving BOTH heroine AND meth…because as soon as I eat something salty, I need something sweet…which makes me crave something salty again. It’s a never ending saga…just say “NO” to snacks!

  90. I read once that when you crave something and can’t figure it out, it’s probably water. You’re probably dehydrated. But in my experience, it’s usually ice cream.

  92. I’ve had this theory for years in relation to babies! Why do they cry all the time? Because they want a beer or some bourbon or a vodka tonic and they know it’ll be YEARS before they can have one. Wouldn’t that make you cry too?

  94. It sounds like you’re just plain Horny. One good Gasp and it will All go away

  96. From all of the comments, I think collectively, you should all put down the bong. It’s the pot that makes you crave stuff. However, on a “scientific” note, it has been shown that pot heads are, on average, 17% less fat than than non pot heads. I could be wrong on the %, I am trying to remember but the visions of cake and marshmallows running through my head are interfering with my recall. I guess what I am trying to say is that if you smoke pot (I am not condoning this in any way at all, so don’t judge me), you usually forget to stock up on your “crack” of choice and will just as happily eat rice cakes and carrot sticks. Plus, you wont go out to the store because every time you say to yourself, “hey, you should go to the store for some “crack””, you get distracted by something shiny.
    Wow, this reads like a pot head wrote it…;)

    P.S. I still am not really sure who the Kardashians are, and as a Canadian, I apologize for Beiber.

  97. Luv luv luv luv. I put ps s at end of my blog bc people think im seriously serious when I say stuff like dis
    I MADE my husband read an article on pms depression etc . Well he didn’t read it but I.told him if he did hed understand why im bat shit crazy 1/2 the x. The Kardashian s make me ill but the snl spoofs on them make me laugh till ut hurts so….. ill only watch the spoofs ok?

  101. I interpreted the “scientists like water sports” thing as meaning “scientists love piss play”, because evidently I’ve read way too much Savage Love, and I would just like to go on record as saying that this scientist does not enjoy piss. There, I said it.

  102. I get cravings aaaaaaalllllll the time. Then I am stymied because I don’t know what should touch my tongue first and I end up reaching for cheese.

    Also? I just read every single post in your archives. That makes me your fourth-in-command, I think. I like low-pressure jobs.

  103. I owe you a dollar but I’d rather owe it to you than cheat you out of it.
    mmm, i think I want some cheetos…….

  104. I recently found my answer: party mints. You know, those pastel-colored little pieces of crack that you get in those teeny tiny little paper cups at showers and such. I can buy a big ass container at HEB, forget the fucking little paper cups. My blood glucose levels may not be happy, but I sure am. It’s a party in my belly.

  105. I advise peanut butter honey sandwiches in these situations. Add sirrhacha if that doesn’t seem to do the trick. I’m not pregnant.

  106. You do realize that people who are searching for local meth labs will now be directed to your blog…right? I mean, it’s Google and all. As for cravings, try dark chocolate next time. It may not be what you really want at the time, but…it’s chocolate. By the time you realize what you really do want, it won’t matter because you will have had something better by then. You’re welcome.

  107. Things eaten today during enraged pregnancy cravings:
    -cereal
    -apple
    -granola bar
    -4 cookies
    -an enormous Taco Bell crunchwrap
    -fried chicken
    -2 pickles
    -4 carrots
    Sad thing is, this all happened before lunch. I am going to die, if my starving stomach doesnt kill me first.

  110. I have this phenomenon frequently. Sometimes I can curb it by brushing my teeth and drinking lots of water. And sometimes an all-out “yak”-finding mission is the only way to go. Thanks to Michael from post #4… I am totally appropriating that definition for my own use!

  111. I think the meth lab people are considered chemists. I frequently crave tiramisu like it’s crack. Same with cheeseburgers. I also know someone who got busted for dyeing their crack green for Saint Paddy’s Day. Better the crack than the cheeseburgers.

  112. I see no reason not to try meth or heroin or other highly addictive drugs such as mini rice cakes in the cheddar cheese flavor when you cannot seem to satisfy a craving. No reason whatsoever.

  113. I just ate the rest of a box of wheat thins. Because I wanted to eat something and they were handy.

    So the other day, I was in the hallway of the courthouse and overheard this little bit:

    Lawyer: “When we’re in court, keep your mouth closed. Don’t yawn or smile.”
    Client: “OK, but why?”
    Lawyer: “Because you’ve got the mouth of a meth user and everyone will hate you, just based on that.”

  114. Justin Bieber is still famous??

    My cravings: chocolate or ice cream or large slabs of meat… and sometimes mac & cheese…

  118. Thank you so much for your advice. It means so much that you replied. And the part about needing me in this tribe was what I needed to hear. But,um,I kind of self-harm on my thighs so I’m not quite sure what works for that. No offense. I feel bad. Sortofishy Anyway, thank you! I send all my hugs and best wishes. God bless..

  119. To re-iterate what Jenny said, DON’T DO DRUGS!

    That said, I don’t have a choice but to do drugs and some of them make me crave things. Not heroine or crack or meth, but I’ve done the whole eat everything in sight and still be hungry thing so I completely understand. And if you want fast lab results, I can recommend a good hospital. And if I had a dollar to spare, it would be yours just for the Kardashians remark.

  120. Just so you finally know: you are craving Trader Joe’s Chocolate Covered Sea Salt Butterscotch Caramels — see? Now that I said it out loud you know it’s true. You’re welcome and I’m sorry.

  121. Usually when you get that craving, you are actually having withdrawl from DRUMROLL some sort of Vitamin. Try supplementing with a multivitamin, or mainline Orange Juice and Spinach,

  122. Oh, and men will never understand these cravings. Eeeeever. And I’m a very complicated,complex,wants-to-smack-my-enemies-upside-the-head-with-a-building-but-smiles-at-them- kind of person. So my other comment may be hard to answer. And you never fail to make me laugh. I’m sort of afraid I’m your clone. We’re both struggling but winning this war, we have a sense of humor and the random things we say would never make sense in a million years. Seriously. Anyway, I talk too much. In reality I’m a total recluse. OOOOOOOOK. Bye.

  123. Dill pickles with ranch dressing. That always stops the eating binges. AND, you don’t go to jail for eating pickles with ranch dressing.

  124. Oooooone last thing, if I don’t already seem crazy enough. I know this isn’t an advice column but um… does depression happen for no reason sometimes because I start crying out of the blue like a faucet and I am honestly freaking my own self out. Alright,gotta go. bye.

  126. Then apparently I’ve had a craving since I was 10 years old. I eat, and eat, and eat and just can’t get satisfied. Now I want to go outside in very blustery snow to find something I crave…maybe I’ll hit up Baskin Robbins for a chocolate fudge hot fudge sundae…Yeah, that ought to do it…for today anyway…

  127. Gosh,I honestly wouldn’t answer a person like me. But I need to know. Is it normal to be depressed for monthes and monthes and monthes without a break? Occasionally I get a good half of a day but then it’s back and I am sad beyond words and if somebody dares to speak to me I give them a reason not to. I don’t understand myself anymore. And my 2 year messed up anniversary is in a few monthes. And I don’t know anymore,really. Anyway, gotta go take my Zzzquil because if I don’t,I don’t fall asleep until 5 a.m. Byeee. 🙂 And sorry to all commenters for hogging the comment space.

  128. Thanks…I thought I was the only one who grazed through the kitchen only to find that my craving was not satisfied. YIKES!?!? I hate that feeling that I am full but not satisfied. Thanks for sharing!!

  129. Stop making the kardashians famous. Can we print that on a mug or would that only add to the ridiculousness? Anyone else think of the strange looking aliens from Star Trek whenever you hear that name? Just me?

    I hate it when I want something and nothing in my house satisfies. I assume it means I want something that I can only get somewhere that isn’t here or something equally irritating. 🙂

  130. Oh God. I love you. I love Victor. I love heroin–wait, I’m getting carried away here. I am SO HAPPY THAT YOU EXIST AND WRITE THESE THINGS TO MAKE ME HAPPY. Because we all know that’s why you write them (sorry, other guys).

  132. I completely & utterly get ‘those’ cravings too. I do sometimes wonder if it has something to do with mental (un)health…but peesha.

  134. When that happens to me it’s always the same craving but I try to eat a bunch of other stuff first in the hopes that it isn’t. When none of that works, I give in and go have… a 7-11 hot dog with all the toppings, but most importantly lots of the squeezy cheese and squeezy chilli. Then the not-so-mystery craving is gone.
    Come to think of it, crack and heroin might be better for me.

  135. My husband’s Cajun family calls that insatiable. unknowable craving a “thraca”, whatever THAT means. My woo woo alternative doctor makes me put 1/2 a teaspoon of this crazy expensive Celtic sea salt in about 4 ounces of warm water and drink it. Not quite as horrible as it sounds and damned if it doesn’t work!

  137. Men don’t have cravings because they don’t deny themselves food. And they don’t distinguish between good food and bad food. Gummibears? Food! An all HoHo diet? Still food!

  139. Maybe you just need a little bit of sugar. After all, that stuff’s more addictive than cocaine, according to some scientists. 🙂

  140. If you are craving something and can’t figure out what it is….usually what you’re craving is sex. Just throwing that out there….it may be less risky than drugs but maybe not.

  143. My doctor thinks I am “allergic” to Tylenol AND all NSAIDS. I asked him if a low dose narcotic existed that had neither… and I am PRETTY SURE he thinks I want to do heroin now. He also demanded that I get my heroin from someone else, because my evil bladder is not heroin worthy. I really was asking out of curiosity, because I didn’t have the internet with me, otherwise I would have asked it… and I bet the internet would have been nice enough to offer me whatever drugs I needed without trying to make me feel like a junkie.

  146. Saw the comment about Oreos being addictive. While I agree Double Stuff’s are delicious….I think the “Golden Birthday Cake” Oreos should be illegal; they are so yummily addictive. (But make sure you get the Golden ones, not the Chocolate Birthday Cake ones).

  148. Shout out to Karen #25 for her answer of queso. Yes, cheese(us) is the answer. (I know, bad play on words). Also, #7 Kara, what can you do with $20 in your “POCKET”. You can go pop some tags! Thanks Macklemore.

  149. Meth rules. I can understand how you’d crave it. The bitch is QUITTING meth. It’s like the hardest diet you’ve ever tried. But it is possible. And recovery works.

  150. Go to your pantry and reeeeeeaaaallly think about what sounds good. Then put it all in a pan. Maybe cook it, if that sounds good. Call it Meth and eat it. There: you’ll be a scientist!

  151. This made me cry with laughter while trying to read it out loud to my husband. Who in turn had to get me to slow down and calm down. I know that feeling. And he doesn’t. Perfect, perfect post.

  153. Liar, liar, pants on fire – I understood every word and it made perfect sense other than the Kardashians what is that, is it a drug in the US that we still have to see over the pond, but I am assuming that you will keep it there and save us from ourselves and yes, magic, you are the ‘Great Ciceronian’

  154. Hey, I wrote a book all about this. But I need to re-read it because my cravings have left about 10 pounds behind. On my behind. I’ll include the link to my book here, if you have any interest at all. (Disclaimer: I talk about God in it. Thought I should get that out there because some people react the same way to the mention of God as they do to the mention of heroin.) Okay, I’m done. Link: http://www.amazon.com/Cravings-Catholic-Wrestles-Food-Self-Image/dp/1594713057/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1394624873&sr=8-1&keywords=cravings

  155. My heroin/meth/crack is homemade mac’n’cheese. It can’t be from a box. It is all about the process of making as well as eating. It usually involves 4 types of cheese…. Oh, and a big yes to “stop making the Kardashians famous”.

  156. So, the first false premise from which you’re proceeding is “I’m normal.” I think you and normal parted company about six exits back, which is okay, because normal is boring. One may make neither the Kardashians nor the Cardassians famous. One need not make the Centauri famous, because they’re already fabulous. Also, they have six dicks. No, really.

  157. I have the ‘eat everything not nailed down’ days and get very frustrated. It usually lasts a day or two, I get really unhappy and then I get my period. And every damn time I think, “Oh yeah, my period, I totally forgot about that.” It’s only been happening every month for 30 years and yet, somehow, it still always takes me by surprise.

  158. Whenever I am craving something I wind up bingeing on chocolate. I don’t know if I was actually craving chocolate. But it helps.

  159. I so want to meet you someday and just sit around have conversations like this. I have conversations like this in my head all the time and my husband is not nearly as understanding as Victor and won’t engage in the crazy to help me get the thoughts out. Please be my friend and let’s meet sometime? Not a weird stalker living in my parent’s basement in Wisconsin. But my parents do live in my basement in Wisconsin in the summer, so does that scare you? Can’t wait for the next book! I have shared the first one with everyone I know. Some get it and some just don’t understand. 😉

  160. I am the most cravingist person I have ever met. But mine are so specific that they can sometimes never be satisfied. Like, I want a hummus sandwich with fries from the Dmitri’s that used to be in Daytona Beach (which is more than 50 miles away anyway) that closed down five years ago. Good luck getting that!

  161. I know the EXACT feeling you are describing. I went through my kitchen last night around 11 to try and appease my craving. Nothing worked but I am sure I gained a couple of pounds eating popcorn, pistachio nuts, cheese, beef jerky, a couple of Frosted Mini Wheats, an apple, carrot sticks, a mini marshmallow, and a few bites of spinach tortellini with pesto sauce. Then I just went to bed. By the way, sometimes your words are magic.

  163. Today, Bonny wins the internet – standing up for scientists everywhere. (I just write about engineers, but I like to think I think like a scientist.)

    So, jenny, you didn’t say where to buy your dollar so I went to Zazzle. St.Patrick’s Day Sale….oooh.

  165. OMG wiping the tears from my face I tried to read this outloud to someone. God that was hard! whew! Ok, I got Allies book, actually my daughter picked it up for me since I work all the time, and told her she might enjoy it. She said “no” or maybe “no thanks” but then she picked up the book and sent me a text “you’re right mom, she is funny” Maybe she will read yours too, when I am done with it, if I let her. Can I preorder your new book??

  166. I had to reread this.

    It troubled me at first because it was like reading my own thoughts. Kind of. I get what you mean about craving something but not being satisfied. I once ate a nearly full box of Lucky Charms just TRYING to fill that hole and all I got was a bad stomach ache.

    booze, TV, sex, food…there are times when nothing fills that hole. Nothing. Not even Lucky Charms. So don’t try that.

    It’s also possible that I just have a toothache.

  171. hahahahahahahahaha. i could go on, but you probably get the point. I wholeheartedly agree on “stop making the kardasians famous”

  173. I just crave the Nobel Peace Prize. I haven’t got one yet, but I’ve already reserved a place on the mantelpiece above my fireplace, where everybody can see it as soon as they walk into the room, without me having to point it out. It’s going to stand between the urn with my Uncle Reg’s ashes that we haven’t decided what to do with yet, and the souvenir of a lighthouse we prop the unpaid bills behind.

    http://bryanhemming.wordpress.com/2014/03/08/bryan-hemming-for-nobel-peace-prize/

  174. “So love your fellow neighbor, stop making the Kardashians famous, and send me a dollar.”

    Best damn advice ever

  175. Turns out my craving was homemade chocolate pudding and thankfully my sister was at the store when I text/whined to her about not having any cornstarch. So pudding was made and consumed which saved me a possible heroin or meth addiciton.

    As far as money goes, I’ll send you $20 so you can lead the charge to sop making the Kardashian’s famous.

  176. Peeps. Frozen Peeps. That is what I crave. And your dollar is on it’s way. (will you still blog when you are filthy rich from all the dollars?)

  179. Please tell us when you find whatever it is that you’re craving.

    Maybe it’s the same thing I’m craving. And then maybe I can stop. eating. all. the. things!

  180. I dunno – you might as well try them and see if it helps. But then, I failed at getting dressed today, so I may not be your best source for validating good decisions. I do hope you’ll let us know what it is when you find it. For what it’s worth, sometimes when I’m stumped it’s actually vegetables. Which I think explains the confusion perfectly.

  181. I love the part: Scientists love water sports. Can you please elaborate on that sentence? I feel like that could be a post all on it’s own. Thanks for making my afternoon less dull!

  184. As much as I loved this post, I loved your comment about the K____ians more – because seriously… I have never seen their show – but really? It exists? (sigh)

  186. Um yeah, is it the euphemism “water sports” that scientists like, or is it actually playing in the water I wonder?
    I could well imagine a bunch of weird sciencey guys peeing on each other wearing lab coats – in the name of science of course!

    Also the craving, yeah I well know the feeling, it’s the one I get that I can’t fix, that eventually leads down into the spiral of depression. Now if I could just find that damn thing I’m craving that I don’t know what it is, maybe I could get off the meds I’ve just had to start taking (because 20 years of therapy still hasn’t given me enough tools to cope; but not from lack of trying).

    The craving could also be Xanax, but I can’t help you there, apparently it’s pretty much banned here in Australia now; they reckon it’s as addictive as cocaine!
    So maybe you’re actually back to craving addictive drugs, just that it’s pharmaceuticals not street drugs!

  187. We go around saying “That’s not IT” when seeking The Right Thing to satisfy a craving. I never even considered heroin.
    Often I find it’s something they stopped making a decade ago, like Carnation Breakfast Bars. Damn, now I want one.

  192. Oh, and I’m also craving snowballs, but can’t find them anywhere; you know marshmallow centre dipped in coconut then chocolate; mmmmm snowballs!!!

  193. Have you ever tried eating soil or polystyrene?

    Sure it’s not “likely” what your craving but I’m thinking before you go knocking on the meth house door…trying soil or packing peanuts might be less likely to get you all shot-at, or blown-up, or arrested…

    Then, if you do try heroin or crack, you can be all “But I tried everything else first, Officer. I probably had a vitamin deficiency that’s resolved through the ingestion of crack related substances. Totally not my fault.”

    PS in case I also have your power of words…don’t do drugs, or eat polystyrene…that stuff probably stays in your colon longer than gum.

  194. Poppycock…..that’s what everyone needs to satisfy a craving…..we just got a Costco nearby (live in melbourne, oz) and it’s full of American goodies such as this devils food…. I can’t go to costco again til it’s all gone…that is all….Poppycock

  195. (Dead eyes, arms straight out front, stiff legged shuffle, said in a monotone) Yeeeeesssss misstressss Blogggggeeeeesssssssssss. Hoooowwwww maaaaannnnyyy dollarsssss shall we sennnnnnndddd??????

  196. I think meth would be slightly less addicting than my seasonal drug of choice- Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs.
    And men totally don’t get the craving thing. Silly, silly men.

  197. p.s. just discovered you and I am in love! (In a you rock and I love your writing kind of way. Not the stalker weird scary way.)

  198. @Stacey(comment 195) I know!!! I went on a total binge of those things and I kid you not, I ate a bag a day. THERE. Now you know everything. Well.not everything. I have other issues. Anyway,I still feel guilty confessing. But now I will always use the excuse that it could have been meth. Thank you,Jenny.

  199. Whew! I was about to leave work and go get some heroin AND meth, just to be safe, but the final paragraph saved me! Thank you!

  201. A nutritionist once told me that when you’re hungry but no food actually sounds good, it’s your body telling you that you’re dehydrated. Although to be fair, plain ol’ water hardly ever sounds good in those situations either. so heroin is probably a better answer.

  202. I hate random cravings. I once craved Kiwi fruit so badly that I walked to the grocery store at like 9pm, got 4 and ate them all in one sitting. My best friend was pretty sure I was going to give birth to a green baby with fuzzy brown hair.

  203. You don’t seem to have a donate button for me to use to send you my dollar.

  205. It’s a wild ride inside your brain, isn’t it, Jenny?
    Trust me, you don’t need heroin.
    In fact, they should siphon your thoughts, mix them in a chemical soup, and distribute them among drug addicts.
    They’d never use again…

  207. my husband makes homemade beer, moonshine, AND whiskey in our basement. sometimes he makes it in our shed. he was nervous he would set the shed on fire and the cops would be called, so instead he makes in in the safety of our basement next to our gas boiler. it makes 100% sense to idiot home scientists. and yes we DO live on a lake. you are correct, scientists enjoy the scenery… probably because when they blow up their establishments, the scenery is all that is left.

  209. I had an acquaintance once who twice blew up his apartment cooking meth. This was way before I met him because I don’t make a habit of being friends with meth scientists. My question is: Why didn’t the management evict him after the FIRST explosion?

  211. Hilarious. Your husband sounds like he gets you. “Make sense this time” and “Just stop talking” sound like things a spouse would say. I used to dream about chocolate pie. You know, just plain old pudding pie, nothing fancy, with lots of whipped cream. I made some and ate it and the craving went away after a while, thank goodness.

  213. This is hilarious! “So love your fellow neighbor, stop making the Kardashians famous, and send me a dollar.” Too perfect.

  216. i was once craving a piece of cake and my husband brought me a muffin. a MUFFIN. it has NO FROSTING. not cake. i totally get it (and my husband does not).

  219. I eat my way through big lumps of parsley. I assume I must be missing some parsley related vitamin. It also leaves very attractive green flecks in my teeth . . .

  220. Men do understand cravings and have them. But usually, it’s the woman that stands in between the men and his craving prey. Sadly. I’m craving a bit of pub and footie this weekend, and I know
    I won’t be satisfied and my craving will be slammed down by the missus and her ideas to pack
    as many things for the Carribean in the midweek. Is there a company that offers packing your suitcases?

    Also, don’t think this would encourage me to go to lake district, in search for a murky scientist with a fully blown lab, let alone meth lab. So you’re ok.

    Nice read anyways.

  222. This is happening right now….I’ve got to go find some green chili like one of the earlier posters mentioned….haven’t tried that yet…

  223. The first blog I ever read just now and it was surprisingly refreshing. I’m going to enjoy this. But a heroin craving usually comes with cold sweats and stomach cramps.Good luck with finding your lab

  225. LOL! maybe you need a filler like water or milk to…. ahem you know puff up whatever you have eaten……….tricks the brain into thinking you are full. 😉

  232. Thank you for your magic words. Words (like music) will only make people do things they already intended to do anyway (given any excuse).

    “There are more love songs than anything else. If songs (words) could make you do something we’d all love one another.” – Frank Zappa

  240. I am an admitted druggie and fake scientist. IN fact, my fake science involves studying drugs. At the moment the race in the drug development world is not to create meth far away from the lakeshore, but to finally invent a drug that will remove all memory of anything Kardashian.

  241. I love how he talks with you. It’s so cute and funny! But I understand! I have a mountain dew a day. And last week, I gave it up to save money (I spend $1.50-$1.80 on one mountain dew) and I did save money, but I was going crazy without it. But my boyfriend didn’t get that. He was like “I don’t see what’s so hard about it.” Well he wouldn’t, he doesn’t even drink soft drinks. All he drinks is water and beer, but mostly water..

  245. I’m in the middle of craving something right now… what is that thing is still a mystery. Ate tons of ice cream, still not satisfied. My mission today is find my heroine, whatever it is.

  250. Mmmm – mustard. Mmmm – salt & vinegar chips. Mmmm – queso. Mmmm – ice cream.

    Wait, was there something else in this post? I read the comments first and got sidetracked.

  251. If you are craving something, but don’t know what, eat a dill pickle. Someone told me this once, and it works. I promise. If it doesn’t, try meth. 🙂

  254. I perfectly understand craving – although in my case it leads to bizzare jumps.

    Like sometimes I end up downloading old TV series because nothing in the house satisfies my sweet tooth. Or from time to time on my way home I rush to the local (mega)bookstore to browse picture books of garden labyrinths (or tree houses) because the novel I am reading doesn’t satisfy my combined hunger for mistery & adventure.

    But I also arrange my perfumes by the colour of their flasks….

  256. Bread and butter. Gave them up for lent. I have had dreams of dirty white bread sarnies smothered with huge dollops of butter. I’d inject a loaf of Hovis right now if I could.

  257. Your post, and all the commenst above, have satisfied my cravings for laughter! Still, I must go and find the peanut butter sandwich that is calling me, or maybe it is the cheese, now I’m thinking cheesecake, which leads to pineapple rice cream …..arrrgh, someone say something funny ….NOW!

  263. This post (as yours usually do) makes perfect sense to me, especially your logic behind the obligatory “don’t do drugs”. Some people can be total a$$holes these days.

  268. Your title caught my eye.. Men don’t understand cravings… offcourse that’s not true. Had about 25 cupcakes last weekend when I was over at a friends house and still wanted more 😉
    Anyhow, I had a good laugh and thank you for that 🙂

  271. Remember those “this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs” egg frying commercials? I had a former co-worker who said even though it had been years since those aired, her daughter still refused to eat eggs because of them. She wasn’t sure it they actually worked on the don’t do drugs front though.

  273. I oh so know that feeling! Funny though, I once wondered about something like Soylent Green… but that just cuz that particular revelation amuses me. But really, hehehe… scientists.

  276. I am like you 100%. When it’s the time of the month I just eat and eat and I’m not even hungry but I just want something, not always sure what it is but I want it!

  277. I’ve had those cravings,and the satisfaction has been different every time:
    ~Franks Red Hot on a Reeses PB cup
    ~Slab o’ water buffalo steak (I was at a beer fest and eating my way through the food carts and came across it).
    ~Menudo WITH beef foot.
    ~Guinea Pig (I felt so bad about eating it, but I thought I’d gross myself out and not eat anymore. It worked, but I liked it. Damn Peruvians).

  279. U preggo?? That’s when u so crazy trying to figure out cravings 🙂
    But whatever it is .. Sure hoping it’s NOT drugs honey .. 🙂

  284. It’s seems as if we may have been twins separated at birth. I know this feeling (and conversation) all too well my friend. All too well. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not the only odd fish in the sea! 😀

  285. Try milk (any kind)…maybe with some lucky charms cereal. The milk seems to quell my cravings. Also, tea with Milk Thistle has helped. Thanks for the story!

  286. I know exactly what you are talking about! It is indeed in this craving state that I tend to go from sweet to savoury and back to sweet only to be followed by savoury craving for more sweet. It is a relief to see that someone else knows my struggle. #foodbabies

  287. You crack me up! Don’t change. Hope you found the cure for your craving.
    LOL and I hope it wasn’t the crack or meth

  288. My boyfriend doesn’t understand why I NEED to eat certain foods when I want them or why I eat everything one day and nothing the next. Cravings are evil.

  289. Each time I come here you remind me how much I love you. Each time it astonishes me. And pleases me that you are there doing what you do.

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