You know when you don’t get invited to the party that everyone else is at, or you’re not at some conference that everyone else is tweeting about and you start feel bad for yourself? But then you realize that you’d really rather be getting a root canal than making forced small talk at a loud, crowded party and so instead you put on your pajamas and read trashy books that you love but don’t want to read in public, and then you go hunting for something to eat and there are banana popsicles and you dip them in malibu rum and they freeze and make a lactose-free pina colada THAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY EAT, and right then? Right then is when you realize that you win.
You.
Win.
The end.
Appreciate it.
And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:
What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
- Kick-ass stuff I pinned.
- NPR’s “How To Do Everything” had me on to give advice about Human Resources. It’s on “Clothes, Dice and Food (3/21)” I’m at the 16 minute mark. We actually talked about porn for an hour but a lot was cut. Probably for the best.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by JustGoGirl, a company that designed a product to help active women who are normal in that they will pee a bit when doing a hard workout, or jumping rope, or running marathons, so that you don’t have to pretend that’s crotch sweat on your leggings. I can’t recommend them because I don’t work out enough to pee but I have friends who love them. They’re holding a contest in April for a chance to win a FitBit Flex. You should check them out here.
The new art work is awesome.
I often find myself outside looking in…more time for Doctor Who (I’m a noobian whovian) and blog reading…
I’m also in phone store HELL…thank god for your new blog post.
This is very relevant to me right now. How did you know? Also totally misread the sponsor bit at first thinking it was for “GoGirl” which is also related to pee, just…..differently…
Love that you were on talking about human resources…. that would be awesome to hear!
I was once interviewed for a job in human resources, not sure how I ended up there, and did not go any further when I said that I have not patience for stupid people and didn’t want to work with any of them… uh, on second thought that would be a great fit!
I love winning. It’s like losing, only with less angst, hand-wringing and benders…
Yes! I win! Minus the banana-rum pops, but plus chocolate chip cookies and black tea. 😉
“I am wearing Felix the cat pajamas and plan to have sushi for breakfast” has been my response to “what are you doing today and why aren’t you going to your cousin’s party”, because I’m a grownup and no one can tell me what to do.
I’m no popsicle and Malibu expert, but wouldn’t only the non-alcoholic part of the Malibu freeze to the popsicle? Damn, now I’ll have to try this…
Yes. So accurate. I’ll take booze over socializing any day.
Yes. To all of your questions. Except the banana one, which I am now totally going to try.
It’s like you read my mind this morning. Leftover chili, pjs and split screen tennis and march madness FTW!!!
Nice way to rationalize what many of us homebodies (and stuck at home with babies) feel!!! 🙂
Yes. Thank you for this. Also you should probably copyright that Popsicle piña colada idea.
Hi Jenny, just thought I’d let you know, the ‘justgogirl’ links are borked somehow. It’s not that I need them (I don’t do the exercising thing…or the leggings thing) but I always like to take a look at your sponsors. 🙂
The Bradley Cooper thing is scary awesome.
Thankz im.always feelin socially awkward.
If only my boss would see it the same way when it comes to certain training events. Oh well.
I’m totally going to check out the JustGoGirl, but the link on this post isn’t working …. just so’s you know … about the link, not about the fact that I pee down my leg when I run.
(One step ahead of you. Just fixed. 🙂 ~ Jenny)
Also, don’t forget the fact that when you stay in, you don’t have to wear pants. NO.PANTS. That is made of win right there.
That evening you’re describing? I could use it Right. Now. And also tonight.
And now I see that someone else already told you about the link. So I revealed the fact I pee down my leg for nothing. I’m feeling kinda vulnerable …. but it’s your blog, so there’s all kinds of vulnerability going on here.
So, I was washing dishes and thinking about this.
You are Jenny Fucking Lawson.
So you don’t get invited to something? Their fucking loss. You have so many people who admire you and emulate you and have found a shit ton of hope in your fuckedupedness.
I agree that the second scenario is far superior to making stupid small talk. But seriously..any event that you don’t get invited to? They lose. You win. You win whether you go or not.
It’s also possible that I’ve broken the ‘no booze on Sunday’ rule.
But still…I’m right about this.
Oh my stars, thank you for the awesome piña colada-ish idea! I too, have these feelings about conventions and such. It’s probably why I spend so much time on Twitter: a feeling of being involved & social without actually having to be in a crowd, etc. (shout out to EpicBeerGirl)
For the first time in my life I did get invited to a party with the cool kids. AND I REALLY DON’T WANT TO GO!. Social anxiety sucks.
Shit. So what you’re saying is, I SHOULDN’T have asked Sean Penn if I should change my name to Popsy Featherbottom in hopes of making it big? GODDAMNIT.
Ever since my Essure procedure I pee a little bit when I sneeze too. I hope my Kegel exercises help my pelvic floor recover someday.
I was eating a tropical Popsicle actually while reading this….totally wishing it had been dipped in Malibu rum. Almost winning.
Now I need to go get some banana popcicles and malabu. Sounds so good!
Oh, I adore the new Beyoncé-riding, Hamlet-von-Schnitzel-photobombing, book-carrying, foot-propping, tutu-wearing artwork!
edible lactose-free pina colada? I think you just found a new item for your store!
Oddly enough, I was just listening to Allie Brosh’s interview on Fresh Air yesterday (podcast version) and was wondering when I would hear you on NPR! Downloaded and ready for when I get to work. Also, I think I am going to petition to get you interviewed on Fresh Air.
Two things you just introduced me to – dairy free pina coladas and JustGoGirl. Awesome!
I have loved your blog since I found it, mostly because of what you put on credit cards to spice up those statements. This post was fabulous because now I know that I’m winning all the time!
Somehow, your tribe managed to turn your post about “a night in” to one about “rum and peeing on your leg.” I am constantly impressed by the way this group gets to the heart things. I suggest we all pee down our legs as a sign of support to this post.
What I learned today… Say no to bullshit, yes to booze popsicles and stabbing people
“Makes mental note to try making those Popsicles”.
I love this entry. SAY NO TO BULLSHIT. AMEN.
Not sure if anyone has mentioned this but uh, piña coladas are already lactose free.
I am dairy free and have them all the time. (without the booze)
Rum/ginger ale, coconut cream, ice, pineapple/pineapple juice.
Perhaps some insane recipes may call for cream but it’s totally unnecessary and not what it says on the can of CocoLopez.
Just so you know. Plus who is putting banana in your piña coladas?
(Coconut rum and banana sound great, just aren’t a piña colada.) If I weren’t already drinking a coffee smoothie I’d be having some booze. No booze in my coffee tho. Gotta be awake for my 17th anniversary.
I Would ALWAYS rather be home in my jammies with my zoo of cats and dogs, and my husband and son, while watching trainwreck TV than in a crowd of people. You win!
I think you just blew my mind with the popsicles. I am totally going to try this next time I have room in my freezer for banana popsicles. My freezer is a demon that manufactures food that no one wants to eat. And magically stays full even after you remove TWO trash bags full of freezer food. And it’s not really a big freezer. What the hell freezer? Why can’t I win??
The best part of my day was trying to describe what “feeling stabby” means to my French co-worker (who has some anger issues) and when she finally got it her eyes lit up and she said (with outrageous French accent) Oh zis iz very good I like ziz zo mooch. True story.
I had one of those nights last night. Sadly, no rum was involved, but I did finally start watching Dr. Who. So thank you.
wait wait. Hold the phone. Let’s discuss these edible lactose free pina coladas some more. That sounds like major win right there.
REAL Life is Better! t:)
El-Tee: Borked is the best new word I have heard in ages!
Never were a truer word spoken. I was invited out tonight but I have my feet up a dog on my lap and catching up with blog reading…. Winning
This so addresses my situation right now. Thank you for giving me the right perspective. (and some fun ideas on what to consume next 🙂 ). Thank you so much!
This is actually the story of my life… #teamnofriends! haha
i don’t give a shit how many people are tweeting about a conference, it’s still a fucking conference. food and pajamas will always win.
Your timing of this post couldn’t have been better. You so get me & my through the looking glass life. When I think about it ….I’m much happier on my side things!
The party and conference are not cool unless you are there, like I’d only want to go to one of those if I knew you’d be there, speaking of which, I noticed you will be speaking at BlogHer? As soon as monkeys and a couple grand fly out of my butt, I’ll be going. If that doesn’t happen, I’ll be reading the blogs of all the people who did go.
“Just say no to bullshit” – Please put this on a coffee mug.
My friends were probably at the same conference, but I doubt my name came up as much as yours… 🙂
My momma used to say, “If you remember being there; either you weren’t really there, or, it wasn’t worth remembering.”
WORD.
You know, I’m a fan of winning and by winning I mean sitting home alone blogging, watching everything on upworthy and crying, or trying to get my dog to go outside against his will. We accidentally made him hate the yard by beating the shit out of the wall for no reason at all (scorpion). Sigh. It really is the little things. WInning hard!
Ok so wait: back to the piña colada situation –
You can freeze Malibu? It freezes?
I think I’ve just witnessed the moment my life changed.
Wait. I just realized I’ve had frozen daiquiris. So of course rum freezes.
Never mind. Carry on.
Trust me. MegaCon is not a great place for those of us with anxiety issues. This doesn’t mean I didn’t still go while I lived in Orlando, but it is absolute madness. My husband doesn’t have a diagnosed disorder, and he still almost had a panic attack on the dealer floor.
When they said your name on How To Do Everything I went squeeeeeeee. 🙂
Took the words right out of my mouth. Everything but discussing porn for an hour cos I didn’t do that. Truth.
I admire you.
That is absolutely a win in my book. Although I would take a small party with my small “safe” group of friends, with pajamas and alcohol-food, too.
I so want to listen to your podcast! And maybe all the rest of them, too! But I refuse to download Apple anything, even iTunes. So I can’t. So now I’m bummed. Guess I’ll dip my frozen dark chocolate peanut butter cups in, um… red wine? and re-freeze them. Doesn’t sound nearly as good as pina colada or daquiri on a stick. Damn.
This also applies to when my girlfriends want to go dancing at a crowded club where the music is obscenely loud, you and try to avoid being grope by a random drunk passerby. So no to judgemental stares caused by your dancing and high heels that tear your feet to bits. I would rather be barefoot, comfy, listening to a playlist of Disney music at home.
Exactly Queen Bloggess…You win! You can stay in your jammies and read 50 Shades of Grey without any judgment while cultivating orange finger tips because you have just consumed half a bag of guilt-free baked Cheetos deliciousness!!!
Omgosh! I am SO sorry. I realize now that I didn’t send your invite to my 8 year old’s hip hop birthday party. It was our loss entirely. But I promise to include you in the guest list for Auntie’s Hip Surgery Recovery Mascarade. Please say you’ll come as a giant iron chicken? xoxo
Why can’t I find a picture of a Just Go pad? Are they such a mysterious feminine product that the world will crumble if the wrong person catches a glimpse of something we might wear in our knickers?
(Just for you: http://justgogirl.com/our-story/ ~ Jenny)
I always feel better when they forget to invite me….I wasn’t invited to my 20 year high school reunion this year. I felt like I dodged a bullet. They all felt bad when they found out but I was thinking “huge win for me!”
I have began to truly love not being invited. Spending my weekends with my family, in stretchy clothes, being dorky. As a matter of fact, I am beginning to get hostile when I do get invited, like people are stealing my being at home being a weirdo time.
Blogess – I don’t know how else to contact you. I assume commenting among the throng may be the only option.
Do you have trouble keeping a job? Have you had trouble keeping a job? What is your job?
I was recently fired for my own psychiatric symptoms (I’m in a US State where you can do that, apparently), and I’m looking for…. god, I don’t know. Tips? Validation? Something.
(I’m very lucky to be able to be a writer full-time and that means I can take time off when I’m having episodes. Remember that you are more than your job and that things will get better. Remember that depression lies and that you need help to battle that. I can tell you that if you were fired as a result of a medical condition (even a mental one) you should be able to win unemployment benefits. I’m sending you love and I’m so sorry about this. Unemployment makes you feel like crap, but keep in mind that it happens all the time and so many of us can relate. Try to take care of yourself. See your doctor. They can help. ~ Jenny)
Do you live in Iowa? I’m sure I saw your chicken in a backyard!
Those big blogging conferences both entice and scare me. On one hand, it’s great meeting people in person whom you’ve been speaking to online.
On the other hand, I don’t do as well talking to people face-to-face as I do talking to people online. Talking to people face-to-face requires thinking of what to say and the proper phrasing of it on the fly. (People tend to look at you funny when you take five minutes to answer a question in your head.) I also feel pressured to look people in the eye (which I have trouble doing) and need to filter out background noise (which can be difficult to impossible for me). (My oldest son has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and we’re sure I’m an undiagnosed Aspie as well.) Talking to people online means I can take my time thinking of what to write, I can go back and change what I was going to say before I send it, and I don’t need to worry about background noise or eye contact.
Going to blogging conferences more than once also requires another skill that I sorely lack: Remembering faces. I’m horrible at it. If I meet someone in person and then go for a few months without seeing them, it’s like all records of their face is wiped from my memory. I live in constant fear of introducing myself to someone for the first time only to have the person tell me that we’ve met five times before. I’ve become an expert at faking “I totally know who you are” when I have no clue who this person who obviously knows me starts talking to me.
In short, while I love blogging conferences, they are highly anxiety ridden. I’m so glad that I can do a lot of my communication online. (Had I needed to say all this face-to-face, I’d be willing to bet it wouldn’t have come out so coherent.)
I can always tell, without looking for the pinner’s name, when your pins come up on my pinterest feed. You find such interesting things. I think I do need to buy a Feeling Stabby shirt. My in-laws are coming into town at the end of this week and staying for 11 days. 🙂
Love the popsicle idea. I’m going to dip lime popsicles in regular rum and have a daiquiri.
I love this. Say no to bullshit!
Just remember Jenny….it’s probably because you’re not fit for decent company, but your fans don’t WANT you to be decent company. We want you to keep being like US! lol.
Whaaaaaaaaaahahaha I can so relate to this!! I find it far more deflating to actually be invited though. I’d like a sticker for my forehead that reads “Please just fuckoff people”.
Your blog is my happy place! My blog is where I annoy everyone I know.
Nicely put. Many thanks.
Honestly, you’re a freaking genius. Banana popsicles, rum….gee-knee-yus I tell ya.
They’ve taken Wednesday out of the week as an austerity measure here in Spain. It took me a while to realize. But then I worked it out, when I cottoned on that quite a few weeks had gone by without having Wednesdays in them. I think they ought to give us back Wednesday and take out Sunday,
Bryan Hemming recently posted: http://pedersenslastdream.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/vaeroy-the-morning-after-the-morning-after/
I feel uncomfortable in social situations as I am shy, Hubby has been working on my confidence so I am not as bad as I was. I still would much rather sit at home and catch up on the TV planner, read books and spend time with close friends and family – I am so very sad lol.
I do, however, constantly worry that I am not good enough at work….probably because I am not.
I can certainly see how a banana dipped in rum would make any situation more tolerable! I think I know what I will be having for breakfast! 😉
I recently boycotted a party I got a secondary/of course you are invited invite to, it was so liberating , Sod pretending!
I know all those feelings. I’m glad I’m not the only one. Only mine involves dipping pretzels into peanutbuter and chocolate all melted together. And I’m so glad we win.
For some reason I blanked on you knowing HR stuff. I should have known that, because that’s what I do when I pretend to work. Oh well, down with BS.
Banana Popsicles dipped in Malibu?! Game.changer.
Coconut rum + v8 Splash Tropical = awesomeness.
Hiding my choice of reading material is why I use an iPad with Kindle/Nook apps. Then I can read trashy supernatural sexytime books and no one’s the wiser.
I didn’t get invited to this girl Katie’s party in 7th grade. This was in 1977. I’m still pissed even though I didn’t want to go anyway.
Very interesting with that pad thing. I’ll be sure to share it. Chemotherapy can lead to all kinds of side-effects like urinary tract infections where this might come in handy. ~Catherine
you have no idea how close to home you are with this statement!
My 16 yr old son got another party invitation from a classmate. He just looks at me and says, “Mom, I hate parties. I just don’t want to go. I don’t like small talk or all the people or the drinking or smoking or noise, but I keep getting invited to stuff. Do I have to go?”
I gave my child the best advice/gift in the world and I secretly wish I was told this at his age.
“You don’t have to go anywhere or do anything social that you do not want to. You can make up your own mind about who or when you want to hang out and it is ok to be who you are. Make sure to tell the person inviting you, Thanks for the invite. You don’t have to give excuses about not going. You can just say “No” or you can always say “Sorry, but I am busy that weekend.”
He has sensory disorder that not many people or classmates understand and he does very well at hiding it. He looked relived at my advice and came up with an appropriate gift to give the friend at school. Of course, he wouldn’t let me gift wrap it or put a card on it. GEEZE…MOM!!!
Once again, I’m so grateful I found your blog and this tribe. Love every one of you!
Single people have “SSB” (Secret Single Behavior)
When married, with kids, it’s “WTS” (When They Sleep), and that’s where you eat rum popsicles in your jammies, or dance to bad 80’s music while wearing a wig, or devour 5 pieces of cake while standing at the kitchen counter. You know, not that I do those things, but like just as examples…
Oh yeah! Malibu Rum is MY DRANK!!!! WHOOOOOOO DOGGIE!!!!
I’ll know I’ve made it when people make awesome drawings of me.
I could go for this attitude. My best New Year’s Eve to date was spent on my own, watching weird black-and-white films and fixing a bass guitar with the help of some beer. People are great, just not dozens of the sods at once.
tying in to being late to the party and taking no bullshit — I have to plug (very randomly I know) the cancelled and recently resurrected TV show Veronica Mars. It. Is. Awesome. For me it ranks right up there with Doctor Who and I love me some Doctor Who. I totally want you to check it out both because I think you might like it, and if you do end up liking it you will help spread the word further and wider, thus creating more new fans which will hopefully lead to another movie. 🙂
That’s a delicious win if I ever tasted one.
Oh yeah. When everyone I know is at some business/social event where you’re supposed to “network” with a bunch of strangers in your industry, dressed up and wearing painful shoes, making small talk (which I LOATHE)…and instead I’m at home with a vodka and OJ (with FREE REFILLS), reading a lovely history book, in sweats, in my comfy chair, with no makeup, until WHATEVER TIME I WANT, and then sleeping in tomorrow.
Yes. I. WIN.
Thanks for posting this, it is awesome and wonderful. I am currently eating brownies and winning the day.
Thanks for posting this, it is awesome and wonderful. I’m eating brownies and winning the day.
The shirt is awesome and wildly appropriate. Also, I wonder if the same would hold true for a pudding pop?
I’m buying banana Popsicles the very next time I see them. YUM!!! Sandy, I think the pudding pop would call for some other alcohol… maybe Kahlua.
I find that when I’m saying no to bullshit, I actually say “bullshit” quite a bit.
Them: “Shelley, you need to go to this party/bar/unpleasant social event where you’ll be awkward, at best.”
Me: “Bullshit.”
And to Moni Barrette at comment #94 or so, there is NO SUCH THING as bad 80s music, thankyouverymuch.
Say no to bullshit, I agree! Saying you’re supposed to feel left out of being at a place you really don’t want to be is a huge no-win situation.
Banana plus malibu rum… I will have to remember that one!
Enjoy your jammie time! 🙂
I can honestly say I win every day because I use whatever excuse I can to avoid hanging out with people and large crowds. In fact, I think I’m going to move into a cave on a mountain and become a hermit because that sounds so much more appealing.
Best quote ever:
“No, I did not hire nipples.”
You did win. I appreciate people who enjoy them, but I just don’t get parties.
Inalways want tosocialize and go to parties and conferences and shin digs…I can’t wait to go..ad when I finally get there, I cantwait to leave
Its like all the adults got stuck in high school and its a room full of wrinkled freshman.
Which reminds me, conferences and pre-work meetings and stuff have all this peppy go team shit. I don’t need silly ice breakers and group handshakes and cheers. I thought that crap was lame in elementary school, folks. I think I have ptsd when it comes to that kind of hell.
I hate parties, too! I only go for the free food and leave as soon as I’ve talked to the host and eaten something. Mostly, I stay home and eat my own food. That way, I can get my favorite ice cream, the one with reeces cups in it and fudge sauce.
Your thingy doesn’t work.
Please warn when linking to a video page that auto-plays? Because sometimes you’re in a situation where you don’t want a video page suddenly autoplaying at top volume, esp when your very old computer freezes when you load youtube pages and you get about 30 seconds of top volume sound while you’re desperately trying to close the page down, but it won’t close because the page is otherwise frozen.
Eh, I take it back, my bad, I really should have looked at the mouse-over, which clearly indicates a youtube link!
Ok, I know there were more sentences… and you probably said more important things… but I got totally distracted by the frozen pina colada popsicles. THAT IS THE BEST IDEA EVER!
Intrigued by the Just Go Girl. I find that I don’t actually leak while active, but I just feel like I have to go all.the.time. I love my little minions, but they have seriously jacked up my body.
Intrigued by the Just Go Girl. I find that I don’t really leak while active, but I do feel like I have to go all.the.time. I love my little minions, but they have seriously jacked up my body.
Your timing of this post couldn’t have been better. You so get me & my through the looking glass life. When I think about it ….I’m much happier on my side things!
When I get bored of READING trashy books, I write fan fiction of Star Trek: Voyager in which Ensign Harry Kim is gay. But I delete it off my computer right afterwards because I’m really bad at fan fiction.