If you’re reading this I’m probably alive.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

I wrote this the day before my surgery and scheduled it to post after my surgery so I’m either totally okay or I’m dead.  Probably the first one.

Now on to the real Sunday post, which is about how Google is trying to insult me with the baffling auto-suggestions it gives me when I search for things.  Am I the only  one who gets these things?  In the past few weeks I decided to record those that were particularly questionable.  These are a few of the most confusing:

I don't even have a dog.
I don’t even have a dog.
Google confuses me.
I couldn’t even remember what I was googling because the suggestions were so fucked up.
Google hates animals.
Don’t let Google pet-sit for you while you’re out of town.
Google is implying what now?
What are you implying, Google?
Google is not nice.
I have two of the first three and now I’m wondering if Google is trying to tell me to flee the country.
Google is trying to hurt my folder.
Wait.  Are all three of these related?  Because ew.

Stop trying to help, Google.  You’re just making it worse.

****************

And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

holly granken art


 What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Nothing.  I’ve been busy.  But there are hundreds of things to buy on there.  But only if you turn your content filter off.  Otherwise you only see both of the G-rated things I’ve created.

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Pretty Strip.  I thought it was a joke at first but one of my friends swears by it.  It’s a water-proof thingie that you use as a sort of a backward stencil to make designs in your lady garden, I think?  Hang on.  I’m not explaining this right.  “Pretty Strip is an easy-to-use product that allows one to perfectly shape unruly underwear hair into desirable designs.”  Much better.  You should check it out.  No, seriously.  Go look.  Then buy some so you can shave designs on your pets, or on unruly chest hair.  The possibilities are endless.

98 thoughts on “If you’re reading this I’m probably alive.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. So glad to assume you are still alive! And thank you so much for the Sunday laugh…I must pay more attention to my google searches in future!

  2. So glad to assume you are still alive! And thank you so much for the Sunday laugh…I must pay more attention to my google searches in future!

  3. Hope you’re totally alive and well and have good drugs.

    Side note – people actually Google “why does my vagina smell”? I hope Google’s response is “Go to the fucking doctor!”

  4. I’ve seen the whole cheese chasing thing before, but it never ceases to amaze–I can sit and watch those videos all day. But perhaps they should change the phrase “ass over teakettle” to “ass over cheese.”

  6. I don’t get many suggestions but that’s probably because I tend to use the search box in Firefox instead of going directly to Google. I also have a bunch of settings that try to give Google and Facebook bad cases of “whaddyacallit disease” a.k.a. “Can’t Remember Shit”. If I don’t remember it there’s no reason for them to remind me.

    I don’t have a vagina. My wife does. And someday someone should write down and post her classic rant on people who obsess about “smelly pussy” and “What the fuck is is with the blue fluids in all those commercials anyway? I don’t recall EVER having any blue fluids ANYWHERE except in the windshield washer bottle for my car!”

  7. What if you’re a zombie? Will you continue Tweeting & Blogging? Zombie You would still be much better than 95% of what’s online.

  14. Try googling “Why are all writers …” That one is particularly depressing. Or funny. I guess it depends upon how drunk I am at the time.

  16. Glad you are on the road to recovery. Be gentle with yourself, we’ll wait patiently for more good stuff. You’re worth the wait.

  17. Jamie Sommers lives! Faster, stronger, even better than she was. Those Google autofills could really get even more twisted now. As a guy, still reserving judgment on the lady garden design movement – has some possibilities but like all scientific advances one must be careful about the technology falling into the wrong hands.

  18. Cheese rolling! The English are weird – says the Texan. Glad you’re alive!

  22. Is it just me or is anyone else deeply concerned that people are googling “how to get herpes”? I mean why would you actually try to get herpes? It’s possible I am misinterpreting the nature of that search.

  23. So now if we see another you walking around Texas, we’ll know the surgeon’s conspiracy to have you cloned was a success. (Get well soon!)

  24. I LOVE the curler head picture! I hope you are still alive and not writhing around in a fiery ball of pain.

  25. Glad you’ve found the cheese rolling: it’s just up the road from me. On the last Monday of May we have to decide whether to watch this or to grown men (and women) run up and down a hill carrying a 60lb sack of wool: http:(//www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvPvyYLU6WE). The two event are held just 30 miles apart on the same day every year.

  26. So glad that you may or may not be alive!

    Google Canada gives the added perk of “how do you…..get mono”.

  27. “How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You” I know my cat is plotting to kill me, now I’m wondering if she’s getting ideas off the internet.

    “Why are there so many rapes on TV?” That one worries me more than I can say.

    “animals should not be kept in zoos” OK, on the one hand I agree but on the other hand I prefer looking at lions and tigers across secure moats and bars.

    “how do you divide fractions” Honestly, since I passed basic algebra my freshman year I haven’t cared a fig’s newton about fraction.

    “do i have a warrant” That must be a popular internet search which makes me wonder why so many people don’t remember if they’ve broken the law or not.

    “why does life suck” I know I should have taken that response seriously but it did make me laugh out loud.

    That was a fun and somewhat disturbing game. I need to reevaluate my internet searches.

  28. Well, now you have me wondering why there ARE so many car wrecks in Russia. And if there really are, or if that’s just a relative number:).

  29. “Animals Should Not Wear Clothing” is actually a pretty funny kid book. You would like it.

  30. I saw that taxidermied fox at BEA and immediately thought “OMG MUST STEAL THAT FOR THE BLOGGESS but first I should probably have lunch” and then I had to wait on line for food for a really long time and by the time I was done Scalzi was on the case. I don’t know what it says about me or my dedication to my job in the book industry but that fox was the highlight of my day at BEA.

    So glad that you’re recovering well (probably) and enjoying the painkillers (I assume).

  31. I glimpsed the cheese rolling clip, managed to click right to the part where the guy in the bananna hammock was stumbling over his trousers. Not what I expected this afternoon! Hope you’re feeling better!

  32. Jeez, that rolling cheese, are they trying to catch it or beat it to the bottom of the hill? Or seeing which humans bounce higher than cheese? My first thought was that this was new footage for a new “The Agony of Defeat”
    No cheese rolling until you’re 100 percenthealed from surgery. We expect a note from your doctor.

  33. Deliriously happy you are alive, and so hopeful you don’t have that Doctor Who thing where you need to ingest people.

    Also? “Underwear hair?”

    Wow. I am non-plussed.

  34. Here’s hoping you’re actually alive and well, as opposed to able to post from beyond the grave, which would be tragic. But also really informative. So let us know which one.

  36. Wait, you and William Shatner are now going to host the Spanish Inquisition because of a taxidermed fox that may or may not have been stolen? I’m confused with the Twitter comments, and haven’t had enough coffee. Or wine. Not sure which at this point…

  37. I typed in “Why is Tragic Sandwich” and Google gave me nothing. I’m trying to to all existential with it, but I just feel kind of ignored. Thanks a lot, Google.

  38. “With bush, size really does matter”. That may be the greatest slogan I’ve heard all week. Hahaha

    I’m glad you’re feeling better and hope you have a quick recovery!!

  39. Hey, didn’t William Shatner used to have you blocked? Or was that somebody else?

    Scalzi seems like a standup guy.

    (I’m glad you’re alive)

  43. Here’s hoping that even though this was auto-posted, you’re still alive. I’m assuming it would be all over the news and shit if something happened to you since people love you. Seriously, I’d be super upset.

    I think someone at Google sits around smoking something, what, I’m not sure, bat shit or something, and decides how search will respond to what you type in. That’s some weird stuff there, but it made me laugh and laughter is always a good thing. 🙂

    Seriously, I hope you recover quickly and that they gave you the good pain meds to help you recover. I got percocet for the first time after my surgery a few weeks back. Wow. No wonder we kept that stuff under lock and key in the pharmacy! I had a key. There’s a scary thought. 😉

  46. Google is just a mirror reflecting what’s in our collective heart. And, yeah, it’s terrifying. Ideally, after we wipe each other out, the Bee Lords of New Earth and/or aliens will still have the Google as a record of decline and fall.

  47. I totally once shaved a heart in my lady bit. Wait. That sounds bad. I don’t know how to rephrase it. So just ignore everything I just said.

  48. It may just be that I don’t watch very much television, but are there really so many catheter commercials that someone would be searching Google to find out why?

  49. First of all, I sincerely hope you’re alive.
    Second of all, I think Google has some serious ulterior motives that we can’t even possibly imagine… and I’m afraid. I’m very afraid.

  50. Jenny, I want to thank you. You. Make. Me. Laugh. When depression is a lying liar that lies, you’re still funny. Maybe funnier, but I’m strange that way.
    P.S. Google is fucked up – I get a real kick out of their suggestions for me. I figure I’m much more exciting to Google than I actually am.

  51. Super glad you’re alive. I mean first things first.

    I decided to see what would happen if I put something random in the google search box. I put in “why do I have” and what came back was:
    why do I have so much gas
    why do I have a headache
    why do I have the chills
    why do I have trust issues

    Whoa.

  52. I typed “what do you think” and got back:
    what do you think about that
    what do you think of siri
    what do you think is the political message of Ozymandias

    I literally have no idea what I actually DO think about that.

  54. Glad you are okay! And why are there so many campers in ghosts? And how can I camp in a ghost? How is that a thing?

  56. It just occurred to me that you can now refer to your lower extremities as “Who-ville”

  57. Glad you are OK. But — just so you know — Google often suggests things that you Googled before.

  58. Google drives me nuts. It is especially obnoxious when I’m on my cell. I am trying to type and all kinds of crazy stuff comes up.
    Sounds like you had that hernia fixed! Enjoy the good drugs….

  59. i always have that one when im looking for something and it freaks me out.

  60. I really think they have a whole department at Google that puts these in because who really does not know how to get herpes and why would they know if your stomach hurt? There stomach probably hurts from all the Google suggestions ugh

  63. Glad you’re still alive! I know Google searches are crazy and having ADHD I get distracted by the suggestions and have to read them. Then I forget what I was looking for! …Take it easy and feel back to 100% real soon! 🙂

  64. I’m sure the robot surgery went well and your belly button will go back to being normal, although after my recent appendix surgery I went from a very definite inny to a maybe inny, could possibly be outy. My husband decided to bail after 22 years, and I want to thank you with all my heart for being there, even though you didn’t know you were. Every time I’m really down, sobbing and finding it hard to keep going, I come here and you pull me through for another day.

  66. Haha, I was just writing about this to my friends yesterday! I was googling how to grow something and the suggestions Google gave me were, “how to grow weed” and “how to grow magic mushrooms.” It sounds like Google’s trying to get me arrested.

  67. So, are you still alive? Because apart from automated sunday posts your twitter is awfully quiet and I don’t have facebook to check. Or are just so drugged up that you can’t remember how to operate your phone? Which, considering the pain you were in when you last did, is a good thing. I hope you are doing fine and that who from whoville is not holding you hostage until you find him a new home because he is miffed because you evicted him. Because in my head that totally makes sense. And no, I’m not on drugs. Maybe I should be though. Should I?

  69. I only pay attention to Google searches when it’s not giving me what I type. No, I did not want to know how to give a golden shower for work research. Well, for any research. But you know what I mean.

  70. I laugh and laugh at Google’s antics. Then I wonder if it’s my own weirdness that makes Google think I’m weird. Then I shake my fist at the computer and yell, “Stop judging me, Google, you don’t know me!” It is a vicious cycle. Glad you are probably not dead.

  71. Yo. Jenny. Glad you’re continuing your awesomeness :). A friend sent me this exchange between her and her husband. It needs to live forever, so you were the first person I thought of who might appreciate it:

    Subject: Ike’s SympatheticHusband.com

    Ike: hello, and thank you for using “Husband Sympathy For You”.com. We appreciate your patience. A sympathetic husband will be with you shortly. While on hold, would you like to learn more about our Husband Protection Plan? Don’t be left stranded without a sympathetic husband. Take measures now to ensure uninterrupted service. Thank you for your patience. Your message is important to us.
    A sympathetic husband will be with you shortly. Have you heard about our mobile Husband Sympathy package? Take HusbandSympathyForYou.com anywhere with our mobile app. Available now for the iPhone and Android.
    You are now being connected to a sympathetic husband. Thank you for your business.
    Ike: Hi, this is Ike. I’ll be your sympathetic husband today. How can I help you?
    Ike: Ah, I see. Crappy day at work. I have sympathy for you right here.
    Ike: Aww. That’s terrible, baby. I love you and you look great in those jeans.
    me: I’m wearing a dress. You don’t even know what I look like anymore???
    Ike: Ike: Thank you for visiting HusbandSympathyForYou.com
    me: I would like to talk to your manager.
    Ike: would you like a transcript of your visit today sent to your e-mail?

    Love you much, Jenny. Your Metal Chicken Shrine stands tall in my front lawn with a spotlight, to annoy the crap out of my neighbors.

  72. You should look into whether your surgeon offers a loyalty program? You could be a gold member already. Wishing you a speedy recovery!

  73. Shouldn’t the assumption be that if I can read this, than I’m probably alive? Because I’m pretty certain that the tables in the morgue don’t have Internet access.

    (Have a speedy and uneventful recovery!)

  75. The Cheese Rolling?

    HIGHLIGHT OF MY FRIGGIN LIFE, RIGHT THERE!

    If I didn’t think I’d break a nail, I’d do it! OMG…what people will do in the name of cheese!

  77. I feel like maybe I’m responsible for a couple of these, but I’m not going to say which ones. You have tweeted since this post so I am happy you’re alive and I hope your cat stops torturing you!

  79. How do I know you’re not posting from the afterlife somehow? No, I’m afraid I’ll need a lot more proof that you are not a corpse. Scientific proof, if you please…

  80. Some day, Tim Duncan is going to have a yeast infection, and Google will smile smugly knowing that they knew all along….

  82. On the plus side one of your readers is a Texpat who now lives in the home of the cheese rollers. My hairdresser’s cousin won the girls event the past 3 years. True story.

  83. Yikes! Google is out of control!
    Random -but you are right too there is a weird link!
    Wait!
    What!
    Oh man, let me, Google that again! (Smile)

  85. I’m sure you’re not up to a building project but it might be something to keep Victory busy for a couple days and then it would be an awesome “Glad your intestines are once again imprisoned and the who is gone” present. OK – it’s mostly for your cats but there’s absolutely no way you wouldn’t enjoy having a tardis in your house!!!!
    http://www.goodshomedesign.com/diy-tardis-cat-fort/

    I hope that link works – I could have ‘pinned’ it for you but the only time I use pinterest is to check out the kick ass stuff you pin… I’m certain this will be in there soon 😉

    Happy healing and enjoy your tardis

  86. I’ve been to Google. They have heated toilet seats, and if you push a certain button the toilet will wash your privates. Who needs their privates washed at work? I don’t even want to know. So, these auto-suggestions don’t surprise me a bit.

  91. So the cheese rolling thing. We already knew that was thing because Terry Pratchet wrote about in the Wee Free Men series. Don’t you remember? Don’t tell me you haven’t read that yet because then I would be sorely disappointed in you, my dear.

  92. I am going to spend my entire me time (aka kid’s nap time) tomorrow doing Google searches now to see what kind of crazy stuff comes up….mostly because I’m all caught up on the laundry and dishes, but also because the stuff you suggest makes my day!

  93. Please don’t ever stop doing what you’re doing. I mean, unless it’s horrible for you. And by ‘what you’re doing’ I mean blogging – not ‘unruly hair sculping.’ You probably already know how positively you impact the lives of others, but add me to the tally. Very glad I found your blog. You make me pee my pants. Which I always manage to appreciate – and to gracefully explain. Really big thankful hug.

  94. I tried to ask Google how to cut my boyfriend’s hair, it suggested “How to tell my boyfriend I cut myself”. Close enough.

  95. I’m really stuck on the “why are there so many campers in ghosts” one. Like, what does that even mean? I’m so confused as to what that even means.

  97. Sorry. I don’t mean to be all bossy, but I beg you to type in “I eat” and then report back on what shows up because I am currently scarred for life and I swear all I was trying to do was find a blog called “I Eat Pop Tarts”. I swear. shudders Imma go look at the Jesus kitty and see if that will wash my brain.

  98. For those wondering about “why are there so many campers in ghosts”, I’m like 99.9999999% sure that it’s actually asking, “Why are there so many spawn campers in the multiplayer mode of Call Of Duty: Ghosts?”

    ….Which might not make any more sense, depending upon which video games you play or don’t play.

    (Loose English translation: “Why are there so many other gamers being dicks when I try to play Call Of Duty online?” Answer: because it’s Call Of Duty.)

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading