I don’t know how other States do fireworks but in Texas it’s all-or-nothing. Literally. Either it’s illegal to shoot off fireworks because of drought, or it’s allowed and everyone goes insane and shoots off shitloads of pyrotechnics while young children run through the yard stomping out small fires. It usually involves booze, neighborhood idiots firing guns into the air, and the police. Most of us leave the actual firework-handling to that weird uncle who once blew off a finger because we suspect he has a greater appreciation for the danger and also because he has less fingers to lose now.
This morning we went to our neighborhood fireworks warehouse to stock up. This is the conversation we had with one of the firework clerks while Hailey was off choosing sparklers…
me: These are the most insane firework names ever. I like that they called this one “Scarface”. Truth in advertising, you know?
Victor: Do you have any Tinnitus M-80’s?
Clerk: I’ve never heard of that.
Victor: Do you have one called “The Burn Victim“?
Clerk: I don’t think so.
Victor: How about “Child Maimer“?
Clerk: I’d have to check in the back. I’m not really familiar with any of those.
me: Do you have any “Golden Showers” available?
Clerk: We did have those! But they aren’t making them this year.
me: Wow. Who would have thought Golden Showers would ever go out of style? How about…um…”Hair-Fire Inferno“?
Clerk: You mean the Flash-Fire Hair Braid? For kids?
me: Sure. (cough) For kids.
Clerk: They sell those next to the cashier.
Victor: And it looks like you’re all out of “Plumber’s Crackle”?
Clerk: Yeah. I don’t know why it’s so popular. It’s not really that exciting.
me: You said it, brother. But you have a lot of “Juicy” fireworks left. I don’t think I want my fireworks to be “juicy”.
Clerk: It’s a weird name but a pretty good display. We recommend pairing it with another firework in front.
me: Ah. Like a Juicy Plumber’s Crackle? That makes sense.
Victor: And your “Happiness Explosion”… Does that come with a “full-release”?
Clerk: Well, if any of your fireworks don’t fully go off you can bring them back for an exchange. If you want something awesome I recommend “The Saturday Night Special”.
me: And according to the box I assume it’s a bunch of loaded guns you heat up until they explode. WHAT COULD BE SAFER? Add it to the pile. And this “Ministry of Magic” set…does one of the fireworks turn into a skull and then all the Death Eaters show up at your barbecue?
Clerk: No, but that would be cool. I’d recommend some “Tomahawks” but I think we’re out.
me: “Tomahawks.” Seems a bit racially insensitive, doesn’t it?
Victor: Look underneath.
me: Well, at least they’re keeping it fair.
PS. As we were checking out we found what we assume was the “flash-fire hair braid…for kids”. We were a little disappointed. And relieved.
Happy 4th of July, y’all. Please keep your guns in your safes, your drunk drivers off the road, and your blown-off fingers on ice.
UPDATED: A small gif of the fireworks we set off tonight. No one lost any fingers but there were the usual amount of minor burns and I think we managed to blow up half of the moon.
Worth it.
Yet another reminder as to why Victor is awesome.
Thanks for the illuminating post and all that good advice.
I’m an American who just spat out her tea. Oh, y’all. Never change.
Of course “Juicy” fireworks are $69…. just sayin’
You and Victor have way too much fun.
Golden showers perfect for Oregon. Be safe, keep the hose near and a bucket full of water for used sparklers.
lovely 🙂
That is just fabulous……
Thanks. It made me literally laugh out loud. Sharing this one.
You didn’t pick up a “Green Energy”? Or a “1.21 Gigawatts”?
(Those are actual names of actual fireworks that a friend of mine and I bought yesterday. From the photos, I suspect you may have gone to a different fireworks warehouse than we did.)
I’m concerned that the Happiness Explosion can be found sitting above The Violator!
I NEED the Ministry of Magic fireworks. You know… to keep away Voldemort.
In Colorado, we can’t have any fireworks that leave the ground or explode. Even sparklers are against the law in many counties. Sidewalk chalk is legal, though. So there’s that.
I hope that you and your family have very happy, fun, and safe 4th of July!
This is great!!! I’ve never been to a fireworks stand in Texas, and I’ve been here 30 years. So good to know that all groups of maiming are represented in the Lone Star State. Wait, is the Juicy Plumber’s Crack what happened to the other 49 stars???
You two make a perfect couple! And that poor clerk had no idea…. L
Love that the Happiness Explosions are just above the Violators…. umm, yeah.
We got Legion of Boom, which will probably deafen us. And a fountain called Purple Rain, which I assume also plays the song, I’m going to return it if it doesn’t!
You must buy several flashbraids for the various and sundry creatures on your walls. It’s only fair.
Give me liberty, or give me Plumber’s Crackle!
My dog hates you all.
None of it is legal in Massachusetts… But (Thankfully) that doesn’t stop people!
This year the explosive fun will be delayed by a day thanks to the asshole Hurricane Arthur… At least everything will be damp, so we’ll have a somewhat reduced fire danger.
Happy 4th, have fun, stay safe!
Victor rocks. Just plays along with you. I love it!
You forgot clacker cracker http://ntnews.cart.net.au/store/why-i-stuck-a-cracker-up-my-clacker.html
‘MURICA. Fuck yeah.
This could totally be Chapter 3 in your next book…
You just make me so happy. My husband used to be the crazy uncle until he got a bad burn. (but didn’t lose the finger). Happy 4th!
Actually, don’t put your fingers on ice. Wrap them in damp paper towels and put them in a Ziploc. And, oh god, the stuff I know sometimes…sounds more than a little crazy.
Wait a minute–no Pink Mist? http://youtu.be/7FxzfzWhtCc
Best July 4th ever!!!
Damn! It sounds scary to celebrate Independence in Texas! Of course that one called “Happiness Explosion” caught my eye 😉
How, how, how did you & Victor keep straight faces through this conversation?! Love this post.
Happy anniversary!
What about a “Juicy Violator” display? You’ve got to wonder what kind of firework display the “Violator” puts on.
I feel badly let down by the naming of UK fireworks after what you guys have there. I’m still not really allowed to discuss fireworks after the whole ‘corpses of a million exploded fairies’ discussion at the last display I went to. Incidentally that would be an awesome firework name, it’s sort of dramatic but zen like in the style of an angry Chinese grandmother
I just wonder if the clerk even knew what he was truly saying, can you forward him your post and see if he gets it…………..Hailey has the best parents ever!
We don’t do stuff like this in Canada… For good reason .
Penny Arcade has an excellent list of suggested names, here: http://www.penny-arcade.com/news/post/2014/07/04/explosion-day. Plus this: http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2014/07/04/explosion-day. Satan’s Orgasm–pretty much the excellent name for a box of this stuff.
Sometimes, I really am just so proud to be from Texas.
ahahaha…you had me at Plumber’s Crackle!
I love it. And I can’t help but hope that someone somewhere at a firecracker company is just trolling the hell out of his bosses by coming up with these names.
They’re illegal here in Illinois—except for tamer stuff—and so I’ve never been to a big Fireworks store. I can’t believe the PRICE of that stuff. Holy crap! I could hardly pay attention to the Names of them!!
I wouldn’t have believed it without the photos! I hope one finger uncle drinks to much prior to setting off the show. That way he won’t feel the pain when the erroneous rocket takes his eye out.
Why are all my blogs linked to “my secret” which 1. Isn’t my last post and 2. Is only a photo??? I hate IT. Blow me up! “APROACH THE BENCH”is my latest. Who cares just sign up. I’m funny my numbers suck and I don’t blog often… Because of IT. Peace
Happy 4th of July!!! Everyone stay safe! I am right beside you in Arkansas and we have the Tomahawks but not the crackers. Who’d of thought. We do have the Saturday Night Special tho lol!
In Lousianna, you have fireworks, drought coveted farms, a lot of beer, and no police for miles. Sometimes, it gets even more exciting when a bunch of fireworks back fire because they were made incorrectly. Lesson learned.
I can usually see the fireworks they do at the local base. Other than all the oddjobs who bust out the sparklers and shit in the apartment complex. I do expect a lot of honking up and down the street as per usual. Illegal in the city it may be but that doesnt stop anyone around here.
I think you have lived in San Antonio Jenny. You know how it is around here, I can see the fireworks from the local base from my apartment balcony. The neighbors pop small fireworks and sparklers in the parking lot. Yeah, fireworks are illegal in the city limits but no one gives one fuck about that around here when its a celebration. I was awake all night long listening to people honking on Bitters when the Spurs won.
Every once in a while, you remind us that Victor really is perfect for you, Despite his political leanings and exasperation 🙂
Fireworks used to be illegal in Maine but our wacko bird governor ( as crazy as Rick Perry) got them made legal again. No doubt he will be proud of his legacy of maimed children.
My next door neighbor in Florida blew the end off one finger and then quit doing FW, proving that with time and example, almost anyone can be taught simple lessons. Almost all retail fireworks are made in China which probably explains the names. I wonder what they think of our car names and how they translate- Mustang (Swift pony?), Impala (Leaping antelope?), Eldorado (City of gold?), Continental (European?), Expedition (Trip of exploration?). Thanks for a very funny post.
I lived in Arizona and mostly we weren’t allowed to have fireworks (drought) but when we did, it was pretty much like Texas. Although when I say we, I mean they, because I’m attached to my fingers and want to keep it that way.
Never heard of Tinnitus M80’s? I like to believe he was playing along and just had a really dry sense of humor.
I’m gobsmacked. I haven’t perused the fireworks tents before. Clearly I’m missing out!
I see your Texan 4th of July and raise you our Northern Territory’s Territory Day! The NT is the ONLY place in the whole of Australia where blowing up fireworks are legal, and only for 5 hours a year. So I’m not exaggerating when I say they go FUCKING APESHIT. Of course I’m sure that – like Texans – most Territorians are highly responsible handlers of domestic explosives, and not at all like the guy who won the top journalism award for an article named “Why I stuck a cracker up my clacker.”
http://www.news.com.au/travel/australian-holidays/our-salute-to-territory-day-when-northern-territory-locals-set-off-ridiculous-amounts-of-fireworks/story-e6frfq99-1226974142506
I want to be the person who comes up with these hilariously named fireworks. Can you imagine the office brainstorming sessions?
P.S. Clacker means arse.
(Just in case you hadn’t already surmised that.)
I do like that they put the Violator under the Happy Explosion.
Fireworks with sexual innuendo..makes sense cause when you, well you know, you see fireworks, right? I saw that in a movie once.
Thanks for the laugh. Very few places here in Australia allow fireworks without a professional licence. Not a bad thing. Less New Years injuries 😉
Sex and violence. They know what sells.
Uh, yeah … so not feelin’ really excited about fireworks this year. The fireworks show explosion that was on the news two days ago? That was my hometown. I’m still waiting to hear whether any of the injured are people I know.
This insanity was made very clear to us when we first moved to the south. I found fireworks at TARGET!! Although I was later informed those were the “pussy ones.” up north it’s sparklers or nothing. We like to lose our fingers to industrial accidents instead of explosives.
Here in the NorthEast we have very regulated “Go to X place and watch the skies” fireworks. Very strict no off-the-reservation fireworks.
Happy 4th!
Seen in an Indiana fireworks store “You Bang Me Long Time.”
Our brother-in-law procured a selection of fireworks last year from the local Wal-Mart and I believe there was one called a Golden Shower. My husband & I snickered quite a bit. (P.S: It really wasn’t that impressive.)
I love this post!! Happy 4th to you, too!
I love Texas and I’m usually pretty glad we are part of the USA! I just left the bait shop – going for catfish in the morning- and am on my way to the fireworks warehouse RIGHT NOW!
GOD BLESS AMERICA and don’t forget TEXAS!
Gotta go blow shit up now. Happy 4th y’all.
We’re in the middle of a huge drought just now — they closed the mountains to hiking because it’s so bad (yeah, that’s a thing! I still haven’t figured out how my hiking boots might start a fire) But we have the fireworks stands on just about every corner. If you hear about a massive wildfire tomorrow in the Southwest — don’t be surprised.
Haha oh my gosh this is fantastic. Obviously, it’s been awhile since I’ve purchased fireworks! Clever names these days…
our local fireworks stands now carry “doggy poop” instead of the classic “snake”. I died a little inside.
PS: last year we got two Purple Rains, because they were just that awesome.
Damn, you and Victor were trolling the hell out of that poor clerk, and he probably never knew what hit him! Definite proof that you two were meant for each other, eh? 🙂 Happy anniversary, you crazy kids!
Here in Massachusetts, fireworks are illegal (not that it stops the asshole teenagers in my neighborhood from shooting them off right in front of my apartment because I live in a dead end), but people always head up to New Hampshire and buy tons of them just over the state line. I remember once seeing a mini-strip mall in Hampton Beach that had a fireworks store, a tattoo parlor, and a coffin store…you think they’re trying to tell us something? Anyway, I prefer to let professionals handle exploding things, so I saw my town’s fireworks in person last night, and then the official Boston ones on TV, which were still spiffy even if they had to cut off the 1812 Overture due to an oncoming thunderstorm. Happy Independence Day from the Cradle of Liberty, you guys!
I just wanted to thank you for that first
paragraph. Growing up in north Texas,
the small children stomping out fires
included me and my sisters (and some
of my cousins if present and old enough).
That was more than 50 years ago. The
names were less threatening, though the
works were at least as dangerous. At least
back then we didn’t have idiots firing guns
into the air.
Y’all have a real great 4th!
Give it time and we’ll have something like the Butt Ripper.
Only in Texas…and thank goodness, ONLY in Texas.
best convo ever!
God bless Texas!! I have an uncle who doesn’t have all ofhis fingers, but I still wouldn’t trust him with the fireworks.
They banned bonfire night here about 20 years ago, and the only people who are allowed to set of fireworks are registered charities who are allowed to charge people to come and watch. The only times I get to see fireworks any more is the Friday night of Hobart Show week and New years eve. I have fond memories of bonfire night when I was a kid, and no one I ever knew blew any appendages off. Even when they were being stupid.
My dad is the one who lines all the fireworks up and pours a line of black powder over all the fuses and lights one end of the line and lets them all go off at once. Yup. Because that’s how we roll in Oklahoma.
In Las Vegas you must go out of town to neighboring Pahrump to buy fireworks, but you must sign a waiver at checkout saying you won’t set them off in Pahrump. PS- It’s not legal to set them off here in Vegas, either, but everyone does it. In our stash we have ones called “Happy Face”, “Ninja”, and “Jaws”.
Jana- from my years in California, the hiking ban is because of smokers and bonfires. Also so there are fewer people to rescue if there is a fire. But yes it seems silly until you see someone toss their button into dry brush. Like the hand of God….fwoomp.
Wow, I can be pretty bawdy at times, but your borderline dirty fireworks talk made me almost blush! Hilarious.
We’ve just got a few tame sparklers here. Happy 4Th of July, everyone, have a great time celebrating and be safe! Jenny summed it up well.
Meanwhile in Canada, we just celebrated Canada Day on July 1st and to be honest I don’t even know if fireworks have names here because they really only sell them this one time every year and you only buy them from a hidden bin behind the register at convenience stores or these weird trailers that show up for like one week out of the year to sell what we all assume are super duper illegal fireworks. I don’t know man, I always just go watch the show downtown because if I did it myself I’d have like 4 less fingers by now. Happy 4th of July, Neighbo(u)rs!
Wow. Just wow. I snorted a little. Now that I think about it, my weird uncles were usually the ones in charge of explosives.
Our wimpy little Lahsa is cowering between my feet even as I speak (I mean type). I feel like such a meanie for going to bed.
“Maybe the bad scary pseudo-thunder will stop soon, Molly.”
The Ministry of Magic was awesome, but the Shizzle was way better! From the look of the price tags we were probably buying our munitions from the same store! Tonight we only almost blew ourselves up with a rogue Ladybug and some craptacular mortars that exploded in the tube…and luckily it was our neighbor that almost killed us this year because last year it was my husband. Those mishaps get the biggest hootin and hollering, it’s what memories are made of! I love Texas!
Oh good grief! That poor clerk, those are ridiculous!
I’ve lived in a small town in Kansas, a medium town in Idaho, and a slightly-larger-than-medium town in Kentucky, and so far I’ve found that Kansas allowed everything but bottle rockets (on the assumption that shooting thin wooden sticks at very high speeds might cause some injuries!), Idaho outlawed anything that went higher than…three feet? four feet? Basically we had sparklers, and little strobe things or cute little flashy things. We have a video my mom shot of the one year we set off fireworks on a concrete porch, where my dad lit a fuse on a little “fountain” firework, the kind that shoots a little spray of flame straight up, and when it didn’t go off…he leaned over it. And then moved back REALLY quickly. It was hilarious. He’s also been chased by fireworks before…if his brother or sister had any children, he’d definitely be the fingerless uncle, but due to his having two kids of his own and no nieces or nephews, he’s in full possession of all digits and my mom’s uncle is our resident fingerless crazy guy, who lost a pinkie in an incident with a power saw, years ago.
Kentucky has lots of fireworks booths all around, but flame and loud noises freak the heck out of my significant other and I don’t care that much about playing with sparklers, so I haven’t looked at fireworks in two years. There were fire trucks and ambulances all day today, so I assume plenty of people play with firey things, though.
This Canadian is still processing the fact that y’all have neighborhood fireworks warehouse stores. That is as unfathomable to me as purchasing liquor in the grocery store. Oh wait, you can do that too. Dammit.
They do too still have the Golden Shower. My friend got a couple in the pack she bought for tonight. There were a couple of Morning Glories too. Nothing impressive though. Around here you have to drive an hour to the Alabama border to get the good stuff.
I’m living in Naples, Italy right now and, I have no idea why, but the Italians set off fireworks literally every night and day. They do fireworks during the day, that you can’t see. Because that makes sense.
Ah, you should come to Spain, where hundreds of people throw dangerous fireworks at hundreds of other people in at least one fiesta, which is probably for arsonists. There must be a saint for arsonists here, as there’s a saint for almost everybody else.
Spaniards seems to have a special pyrotechnic gene which leads to an unhealthy obsession with things that spark, bang and burn. Fireworks are brought out at the slightest excuse. My fear this year is that there are many houses in my pueblo stashed to the roof with firworks bought in anticipation of another World Cup win. What will happen to all those death sticks after the final match is too terrible a thing to even try to imagine. I think I might have to slip across the border into Portugal for a couple of days until things die down.
And once again Victor demonstrates why the two of you are a perfect match!
I AM that weird uncle…and I violated the darkness to the delight of all my nieces and nephews. Glad you guys had fun.
Marchbanks: My thoughts are with you and your town. I’m so sorry.
Ooh, love your fireworks. They are illegal for the general public here in Australia. I have fond memories of our firecracker nights.
We have a lot of weird rules about them, so I buy whatever Walmart has, which is mainly fountains. So I was setting those off, and my husband was freaking out about the loud ones and the “neighbors,” and I was like, “I have no idea what they do before I light them up, especially with names like these. I think they were named by gypsy fairies, but not fly around save the vegetation fairies, more like gay men who know what the color Boysenberry is type of fairies.” I can’t remember any of the names, but they were all things like, “Northern Lights,” like peaceful fabulous rainbows of love, nothing that says, “this is going to be loud enough to wake boring people up.” And we did have that one neighbor, “Knock it off, I’m trying to sleep.” And I was all, “move to the Yukon.”
I have always lived in strictly “no fireworks” states, so I have never experienced the joy. I did have to call the fire department once at the beach when the neighbors set the dune grass on fire…
I’m pretty sure that we blew up the other half of the moon! Between us and our neighbors there were a lot of loud explosions. We are lucky all the homes are still standing and all fingers are intact. Our 14 year old told me that I was the worst mom because I wouldn’t let him light m-80s in his hand! I guess I’ll have to figure out how to live with myself.
As to your PS, that was no moon…. On the upside, you might have saved Alderaan.
So many ways to alter ones body! I remember back in the 70’s we would come home from Hawaii with giant grocery bags of fireworks as our carry on luggage and we still smoked on the plane then too. Ah, good times……
Closest I came to blowing up the moon was when we decided to throw an M80 out of the 2nd story window to see it blow up in midair. Adam’s father was NOT happy to learn that the consussion broke his garage window.
On another note, this is worth sharing. http://themetapicture.com/she-took-a-daily-selfie-while-battling-depression-here-is-the-result/
What kind of comment is “…not fly around save the vegetation fairies, more like gay men who know what the color Boysenberry is type fairies….”?
The moon had it coming. All smug and shit up there.
Jenny, I love you!!! Thank you for being you!!!
I can’t be the only person who now wants to search out the person responsible for naming fireworks, so I can befriends them, because they’re clearly awesome…
I hate fireworks – blame it on PTSD from an incident while I was young, coupled with reinforcement from my time in the military…but I will admit that the names are freaking hilarious! Hope everyone was safe last night!
Fireworks are heavily restricted in CA because of wildfires, but here in Oakland we have such large, awesome Asian communities that almost everyone has a connection for cheap, illegal fireworks. The fourth of July in East Oakland sounds like a war with cheerleaders. The cops (and many of the dogs and cats) hate it.
I was reading this Cracked.com article (for lack of a better term) about a girl who has sex with a puppet for a living and for some reason I realized like 1/3 of the way through it that I was mentally reading it in YOUR VOICE and I then I started mentally picturing you instead of the already conveniently pictured author and I’m sorry. I really am. But I can’t stop reading the article in your voice now. So, in my head, I’m afraid you’ve devolved (or evolved, maybe, depending on who you ask) into an internet puppet fucker. I guess that’s just the weird price of fame. Here’s the article. You’re welcome.
http://www.cracked.com/article_21171_5-adventures-i-had-as-cam-girl-with-niche-in-sex-puppets.html
Here in Indiana we were proud to set off ‘Bangin’ Hard.’
Happy 4rth, Bloggess. In our house, we are thankful for our braver neighbors who don’t mind risking an appendage or two to light up the sky.
We actually had Golden Showers in the fireworks pack we bought! My husband and I chuckled while my teenage daughter said, “I don’t get it.” Which I suppose I should be grateful for.
The Golden Shower was pretty lame (surprising no one) but our favorite was Purple Rain. Who knew that our hometown rock star would have the best fireworks as well?
This has little to do with this post (although an unicorn that could shoot fireworks out of its horn would be the ultimate 4th of July fun).
I am still traumatized by the entire unicorn episode but once I saw this I thought you could use these to make your cats look like unicorns (plural!) and hold parades on a daily basis. (Video footage is required.)
Website: http://metro.co.uk/2014/07/01/yes-unicorn-horns-for-cats-are-an-actual-thing-you-can-buy-or-you-can-just-make-your-own-instead-4782855/
I am trying to think of what is worse: dealing with a bunch of drunk relatives in a drought-prone area setting off rockets, or the first 4th of July I spent as a new Mom in North Philly where the celebration involved drinking 40s and shooting your gun out in the street (in front of my house). This “urban firecracker” was also used on New Years Eve and whenever the Eagles did well (thankfully, not that often). I tried to never get an evening hospital shift on NYE or 7/4 so I didn’t have to travel during this time.
With real writing, God is in the details.
“Flash-fire Hair Braid.”
God is in that.
I am legitimately impressed by the display in that gif. Of course, I hated it when my neighbors set of fireworks…largely because I was trying to sleep and they’d keep at it for hours. And then start up again the next night. I had terrible neighbors.
One of our dogs peed in the bed last night because he was too scared to go outside for his bedtime pee — too many bangs out there.
another reason this is my favorite holiday! Thanks Jenny! Nice display too!
That. Is. Hysterical.
I couldn’t have gotten through that conversation without laughing. You two are awesome
Wow! First off, awesome display! Secondly, ya’ll got some cheap ass prices out there on your fireworks. Here in Houston, sizes that big were 50 bucks or more.
And here I thought the instructions for the Golden Shower was highly suggestive… 😉
Wasn’t legal here in Austin. Which means everyone did them anyway. I put mentos in diet coke bottles. Because I’m lame.
This should have been your anniversary post. It really explains a lot.
Once again you and Victor prove that you are the coolest people on the internet.
You may have seen this, but it’s really cool. Someone put a camera on a drone and flew it through fireworks. Pretty awesome. http://www.people.com/article/video-fireworks-gopro-camera-drone
I’m a week late, but Happy belated 4th! We were rained out and sort of bummin. Wish I had found your post last week! I’m crying I’m laughin so hard. Thank you for being you! 🙂
Jenny, thank you for cheering me up. I needed it. By the way, I just thought I should suggest this. You should really be sponsored by Poise. Cause I use at least one every time I read your blog. Love you. Love Victor. He so belongs to you.
I am absolutely dying laughing and trying not to wake up my husband.
I seriously freakin’ love you!
Now I have Rocket Man stuck in my head. Scarface was priceless!
Erika Dobkins
dumb