Forgive me. I’m only human. Or possibly not even that.

in I am totally overrated, Random Crap, weekly reruns

I just tried to leave a comment on someone’s blog, but instead of posting my comment, the blog stopped me and was like, “Not so fast, you.  Are you even human?”

areyouhuman

Is this really a problem?  Are there a lot of houseplants and robots trying to leave comments on blogs?  Also, what does this even mean?  Why ask if I’m a human and then give me a weird photo of a wall?  I assumed I was supposed to write the calligraphy on the wall, but when I wrote “B O” it said I wasn’t a human, which is ridiculous because if there’s one thing that humans are good at, it’s at recognizing B.O.

I complained to Victor that computers were judging me for not being human enough and he looked at me like I was insane and said that I need to type in “130”, not “B O”,  and that there must be something wrong with my eyes.  And he’s probably right, but I’m pretty sure that just proves that I’m human because I suspect robots almost never have to get stronger glasses.

**************

And now, time for the weekly wrap-up:

shit i did


 Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

  • I’ve got nothin’ this week.  This funeral stuff took over my life.  Sorry.  If you have something awesome you’ve seen on the internet, please share.

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by JustGoGirl, which is a product you need if you’ve ever laughed so hard you peed a little.  Apparently the same thing happens when you run marathons or work out, although I wouldn’t know about that so much.  Basically, it’s a pad designed for athletic leaks, which is a problem that affects 1/3 of all woman.  You totally need to check it out here because people swear by them.

118 thoughts on “Forgive me. I’m only human. Or possibly not even that.”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. Those identity verify things stress me so much! I feel like I am always being judged on how well I can make out squiggly hazy words. My pass rate is about 50% – I’m happy to be half there.

  9. I could not figure out why it couldn’t see I was human since I typed the letters and numbers over and over again. Then I realized I needed to include a space between. It posted my comment, but I thought it should cogratate me for the effort.

  11. The number ones are easy but when I get captcha trying to confirm I am human and showing me some warped letters… I can’t read them, captcha, WHAT AM I THEN?

  12. Yeah, I’ve seen those. I hate them- half the time I actually can’t tell what the letters are. You know, the ones that look like they could be more than one thing? Is it a capital something or two lower case squished together?

    But I guess there is a problem with bots somehow or they wouldn’t have a system for screening them out.

  13. I don’t think it’s robots they’re worried about. Those Hemingway cats have opposable thumbs. I caught mine downloading kiddy porn, and trust me, you don’t want to have to explain that shit to the cops when they show up.

  14. The worst is when you can’t figure out what the fucking Capcha is, and then you have to ask yourself, “Am I fucking robot!? FUCK!”

  15. Speaking of “shit,” on the internet I learned fecal transplants are available for animals. Why do I know this? Because I have a mentally ill dog who eats her own poop. Someone suggested she was trying a fecal transplant but duh, you can’t use your own.

  16. I hate the CAPTCHA, and yet I hate sifting through the dross of spam comments for the nuggets of real comment gold even more. I mean, one or two at a time I can handle, but when I get a wave of them, it’s a different matter.

    The house number ones are an improvement over the squiggly illegible letters I used to see, though. Yes, I’m human, and no, humans can’t read that.

  17. Yes, this happens to me too. Some places they do the letters slanted or in some crazy font that is difficult to read!

  18. The fact that I am interfacing my human comment through my computer, which by definition is a robot, does that make the captcha numbers an unsolvable trick question ?
    I must be part houseplant.

    *merriam definition #2 of robot: a device that automatically performs complicated often repetitive tasks.

  19. I love the fact that you can get the cake pops in bleedin’ armadillo colors!!!

  20. Thank you to all of you for making me feel better. I have so much trouble with those evil things I even tried to listen to them which is just as bad, the person trying to say seven was apparently asthmatic or dying, one or the other and I kept typing in heaven all the while the thought was that I COULD die and see heaven waiting to get this correct. My roommate finally took pity on me, and filled in the thingie for me. Yeah for friends and BOOOO for capcha.

  23. Awese post. I’m going to be scrutinizing my house plants’ activities more closely. And I sometimes argue with Google Maps. Does that make me less human?

  24. May I ask you/Hailey to post a list of books/comics that Hailey recommends for kids her age? I think it would be a terrific resource. Thanks!

  26. I would’ve said ” Dammit, you found me out- I’m a Time Lord. Can I still post this?”

  31. It would be really impressive if you were a robot. I’d have a lot more faith in science if I knew its powers could be used to create humor, instead of other crap, like curing disease, or stabilizing bridges.

  33. I have serious disdain for those darn captchas. Not only do they prove that I’m not human, but also they leave me confused, sad and alone, huddled in a corner shaking back and forth muttering, “I know that was a zero and not an “O”.”

  34. The first time I ever had to verify I was human and they showed me a picture of house numbers or some shit, I couldn’t enter the correct answer either. I was confused, but that’s not too hard to do. I’m fairly certain I wasn’t drinking at the time. There’s no explanation like type the number you see or anything. What the hell? Are we supposed to be human and mind readers?!?

    Also, I just had to do a shitload of catching up because apparently I haven’t checked your blog in a little while. (What have I been doing?!?) I’m sorry about Meemaw. She sounds like she was an awesome lady to know. 🙂

  40. My cat answered a pop-up customer service survey. So maybe a lot of cats do this and they’re getting tired of their opinions all over the internet.

  41. I hate the robots at the end. Fucking robot checking to see if I’m human. Fuck you, Robot. Are YOU human? No fucking way you’re human. You’re a robot. Robot.
    If you ever came to leave me a comment – there will be no fucking robot there.

    ps Hugs today, Jenny.
    Angie

  42. Captcha’s are so annoying. Half the time you can’t read them! But at least your mis-captcha didn’t threaten anyone’s life. I just went for a drive with my sister who is practicing driving (even though she’s in her late 30’s) and I got out of the car screaming she needed to visit the eye doctor. Apparently there were several “captcha’s” she missed while driving – like you know, lane dividers!!! And one way streets!

    Note for future: Wear bike helmet while riding in car with sister.

  43. Captcha sucks but you can never be too careful, what with all those houseplants trying to sell you cheap Viagra or cheap Louis Vuitton bags.

  44. OK, captcha, you caught me. I guess I always did have my doubts. Now what do we do?

  46. Only a human would think of something so dumb. Because I don’t get it, I guess I am a bot. I was good with that until I lost amazing tickets to U2 because time ran out.
    To read this comment enter the following:
    6637 8008 on the calculator and turn it upside down. Always makes me laugh.

  47. I think those’re house numbers, maybe from Google’s street view? I dunno, I have no luck with captchas ever since I managed to short out most of the number keys on my laptop with a toothpick because of Reasons so now I just keep hitting “refresh” until I get a captcha that only has a 5 or 6 in it because they’re the only ones that still work.

  48. You so totally and completely deserve the No-Stigma Award!! You are one of the lights that shine through my dark times!!!

    And Capcha’s—-there’s one I’ve been hitting regularly that shows moving letters that are squeezed really close together and they are like SWINGING back and forth on an invisible clotheline. Arggggh!!!!!

  52. I had the captcha thingy switched on (by mistake) on my blog. The first comment I got when I turned it off contained ‘sinus cysts’ . I don’t know a human who’s ever had a SC. I almost barf every time I think of them tbh. Not that I’m going to turn the captcha thingy back on or anything.

  53. I absolutely hate when the letters or numbers are calligraphy style or some are caps and some not. I still don’t know if those things are caps sensitive plus I get all nervous that I am going to get it wrong. It’s like I think the police are going to come get me or the robot camp or something!

  54. I watched your acceptance speech, love you more. I love what you say. My brother wrote in his suicide note that he just can’t get help “because I don’t want that stigma.” So now he’s gone, dead, morgue, burnt. stigmatised forever with suicide and a piece of me is dead too but I try keep living. I got kids. It would destroy them if I left. You do amazing fucking work, Jenny.

    You struggle loudly and so do I. FUCK STIGMA UP THE ARSE. WITH NO LUBE.

    (Written from my bed on a sunny day but the blinds are drawn because spring is here and he killed himself last spring and it’s triggering me to shit and it’s his birthday this Friday and I’m getting my last tattoo on Friday, a sentence he wrote to me in his suicide note and I’m already going to be in pain this Friday so it may as well be on my terms.)

    1. I get test-taking flashback anxiety with those stupid Captcha things. What will happen if I enter the characters in wrong? Do I only get one shot?
    2. Nice acceptance speech. I’m not fond of being around lots of people either and that’s so cool to be able to do your speech on the internet.
    3. I am gonna be ordering me some of those JustGoGirl! Where have those been my whole after-giving-birth life??

    Thank you! Thank you!

  61. A recent study showed computers are better at solving captchas than humans are. Go figure.

  62. I just so happened to be there one night while my mother was struggling with a CAPTCHA. She was unreasonably frustrated for someone who worked on computers all day in a bank office, so I walked over to see wtf her problem was. She was bitching about not understanding them, etc. and I told her to just type in the letters. I was not very polite about it because I’m generally not very polite and it was a fucking stupid thing to get so upset about. She hadn’t even TRIED it yet. After a few minutes of not very politely repeating myself, then saying the letters for her, I straight up asked her what the fuck was wrong with her. She screamed, “I CAN’T MAKE THE LETTERS WAVY LIKE THAT!!” and I almost peed laughing at her.

  64. Some cool things I found on the internet recently-
    Land of the Lost premiered 40 years ago. Scary that. And the writers included Theodore Sturgeon, Larry Niven,

    Some celebrities are flipping amazing to the people they meet casually: http://themetapicture.com/comedian-good-guy/

    Some people are flipping amazing at dropping trees: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=765780856820188

    Some people are flipping amazing at turning around typos: https://www.facebook.com/ProgPowerUSA/photos/a.111665147942.96360.88398722942/10152562933512943/?type=1

    Here’s an interesting but kinda scary one about cats & the parasite that causes toxoplasmosis: http://m.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/03/how-your-cat-is-making-you-crazy/308873/

    And here is some beauty : http://www.merimask.com/gallery/default.html

  65. Robots trying to leave comments on blogs are exactly what they are trying to catch. Robots, and the programmers who are behind them, contaminate a ton of stuff online.

  66. I love the wall decals. Already asked my boss if “be nice or I’ll stab you” on a journal would constitute a hostile workplace. He said no!

  69. Haaa.
    I despise those capchaaas or whatever they’re called.
    Not only that, but I almost never type the letters and numbers in properly the first time.
    And I’m absolutely positive there are a few dudes sitting there bored as hell watching me attempt this… laughing their asses off.

  70. Once again Jenny, you have lifted me up. In life I am called on to lift others regularly, but have few who lift me. I am so grateful for your being. Sometimes I feel so alone but then I check out your blog and I’m SURE to find words of encouragement and a laugh. What more could I ask for?!?!

    BTW-I bought a Fuck you I’m fabulous t-shirt and I LOVE it.

  75. I get the need to keep spammers out of your comments, but some of them are just ridiculous. If I’ve got to clean my glasses and still press my face up against the screen to make out the number, I’m more than likely going to give up and just not leave a comment.

    What’s worse is when you actually figure it out correctly, click the submit button and your comment vanishes anyway, never to be seen again.

  76. oh, jenny. your acceptance video actually made me cry; and i don’t cry very easily these days (the docs got the meds right, at last). but just know that you are a hero, and you’ve made such a difference to my life.

  77. @Journey McGuire [comment #13, September 14, 2014 at 2:26 pm] – your cat was probably just trying to download KITTY porn. It may have opposable thumbs, but it’s still tough to type with paws…

  79. the CAPTCHAs are for the robots but they’re still hell on those of us with bad eyesight. Besides, who says the robots aren’t programmed by smart enough people who learned to beat the CAPTCHAs? It would serve them right.

  80. My daughter and I attended SPX this past weekend, met Ben Hatke, who is very adorable and super nice. He has three Zita books out plus a new picture book called Julia’s House for Lost Creatures, which I think you and your daughter will LOVE. Raina Telgemeier also writes amazing graphic novels; Smile, Drama, Sisters….all excellent reads for all ages. And a tip – click the speaker jobby and the computer will speak the captcha thingy to type.

  82. Hahaha- love that- clearly you’re a robot. I also often get deemed a robot, but I don’t mind because I don’t think robots have to shower. And I hate showering. Is that weird?

  83. You know, those stupid things used to be a helluvalot more polite. The screen would read, “Please prove you’re not a robot”, and then there’d be unintelligible words on the screen for you to type..or worse, a random series of letters your head insisted was a word and so as you typed it you edited because you were sure the captcha had just printed a typo and then it would tell you to “Try Again” (politely of course), and you’d do it all again.

    So, now there’s just numbers and I’m always worried that some drone is going to sweep done and as its taking a picture of my house numbers I’ll walk outside and scream, dying of fright, and I’ll be the first person ever killed by a captcha drone.

    But, that’s just me.

  84. I saw the guy who invented CAPTCHAs do a TED Talk and he said every time a human types one correctly we are helping to translate the entire internet into other languages.

  85. Everytime I have to squint into those little boxes to make out those crazy letters I wonder if this is what an acid trip looks like, or am I failing an eye test

  86. If they are just trying to see if you are human why do they make it blurry sometimes. Robots have fancy software to enhance images that my puny human brain doesn’t so how can you be sure I’m human?

  87. I’ve just read every last one of these comments and, as a professional web developer, all I can do at this point is facepalm and fight the urge to cry that our best attempts at keeping the bloggers, forum owners, and form submission recipients from experiencing the full evils of the internet, there are still people out there decrying our efforts as though we are the evil force behind it all. This post and the subsequent comments have made me very sad. I’m going to go dig out my fat pants and eat until I feel better about myself.

  88. That’s my house! Are you outside?

    I totally live at 130. Or what’s known in my neighborhood as “the BO house”.

  93. Oh, the dishtowel brings back memories. Cleaning out my grandmother’s things, I could not part with a glass that had a picture of an Asian man with a tuba. From a comment bubble: Hi, I’m Gus. Now, I’m not saying it’s as cryptic as your dishtowel (the bar is high there), it’s close. To this day, I wonder what the heck it meant. You’re going to have to live with the unsolved mystery of the dishtowel. We all have our crosses to bear:).

  95. I’m sure someone already said that the capchas are to make sure a spamming program isn’t posting random crap everywhere or setting up a fishing scheme. Problem is that humans have more problem with them than the program bots do lol.

  98. I think the dish towel is probably part of a weekly set. Wednesday is for mending, Thursday is for baking, and Friday would be for shooting things.

  99. I totally understand your not having anything other than having made it through. That’s about all I brought back from my funeral excursion this weekend (except for an awesome flag that was my grandfather’s and a couple of pocket watches one of which was his– I’m dubbing the more awesome of the two “Schroedinger’s Watch” and wearing that motherfucker on a chain). Luckily, mom decided to stay home, so there was no wife/exwife wrangling to be done at the ceremonies.
    Also, I didn’t kill any TSA agents.
    As far as you know.

  101. I got that “Are you even human?” captcha thing earlier today.

    It sent me into an existential crisis which eventually reminded me of you, so here I am, watching your video acceptance of the award for being mentally ill, and thinking again how awesome you are, but wishing you’d filmed it while hiding in the bathroom. Also, funerals and estates eat lives if you don’t defend against them (I speak from personal experience). So if you need help digging a moat for some crocodiles, or at least an illustration of one, let me know. I’ll be there with bells on. Unless, you know, it’s a mental illness day or one of my own crocs escaped the moat and I’m having to chase him down. And writing that sentence has, once again, made me wonder if I’m even human…

  102. Come leave a comment on my blog, Jenny, you are always welcome. If akismet tries anything I will find that twinkle toed cocksucker, unscrew his head and shit down his neck.

  105. I hate when all the letters and numbers blur together so they’re impossible to read and you give it your best shot and press enter but you fail the human test. Try again the robot says.

  106. I think it’s unfair that the non human computer asks if I’m human, but there’s not a place for me to ask, “Are you not a human?” Which just goes to prove my mother right about her theory that the computer is the devil.

  108. I have never had that pop up when commenting on a post…ugh that’s just getting out of hand. I actually think those tests are specifically designed for robots. Lord knows they are more likely to respond correctly. Do you think they have special tests?! Is there an annoying message that pops up when they try to comment on another robot’s blog? Are you really a robot? Do they even get annoyed. So many questions. So little time.

  109. I totally saw “BO” too! I thought it rejected you because you put a space between the letters. Great minds think alike 🙂

  111. If you look closely at the coins in the vault, it looks like the outline of an alien. Perhaps there is something buried under there…

  112. can you pass the turing test? if so, you are either an incredibly gifted machine, if not, maybe just a less than average intelligent human being. not that there is anything wrong with that.

  116. Greetings. Off topic and fan grovel warning. Congratulations on the alumni award. I’m familiar with your writing but until today I had no idea of your college and hometown (alumni magazine). Glad to see you emerged and apologies in advance for the whole “You’re from the WTX? Meeeee too” nature of this comment. It was, however, a nice surprise. We probably know some of the same people though they’d be parents of your classmates and perhaps a teacher or coach or whatnot or two. I escaped small town WTX back in the 70’s but its a great place to be from. Best of continued success. You’ve got my email, I’d enjoy hearing from you.

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