This week I was contacted about possibly being next year’s Ziploc spokesperson for upcoming new products. They were very sweet and asked what my fees would be if I was selected and so I quickly responded in the most professional way possible by clarifying that if the “new products” they’re offering include home-made waterbeds for cat then I expect royalties, because I invented those years ago.
The rest of my response:
I’m almost certain this would be a bad idea so I’m in, but only if Ziploc meets these conditions:
1) My fee of $100,000, or $200,000 worth of Ziploc bags. The Ziploc bags should be filled with $100,000.
2) The cat waterbed must be put into production, or at least a prototype made.
3) I’m going to need a human-sized ziplock bag that I can get in, so I can swim but not get wet. Something with an oxygen tank, preferably.
4) I don’t have a four but I think people take you more seriously when you have a four so I’m just going to leave this here.
Surprisingly, they have not responded.
************
Bonus: If you’re too tired to go back and read about cat waterbeds my talented friends made that post into a comic years ago. They pretty much nailed it.
I can’t believe you haven’t hard back from Ziplock yet. Perhaps they are just going to send you the cash, then work out the terms of the arrangement. Maybe they’ll send you $1 a day (in a ziplock bag, of course) for 100,000 days.
I would be willing to do that for ONE ziploc bag filled with 100K. I am such a whore.
I’m thinking there’s a no-brainer tie-in for you with storing the innards of taxidermied animals…
My favorite part is the cat wearing condoms as booties.
Spokesman for Ziploc? Should I even admit that I am TOTALLY jealous? Should I tell my cats about the potential of a cat waterbed? Too many questions for a Friday. Ironically I was thinking (and writing) about how I once drank warm orange Fanta from a Ziploc bag that a kid sold me in Ecuador. Do you think that makes me a good candidate for Ziploc sponsorship? I would gladly take an ambassadorship if that is available.
If you added a few goldfish in the ziploc waterbed, you could charge admission.
You would be the best ziploc spokesperson ever. I bet you would come up with ALL SORTS of uses for ziplocs that they have never even thought of. How can they possibly not pick you? And I would make them give you the $100,000 one dollar at a time in individual ziploc bags. So much better that way.
“I’m going to need a human-sized ziplock bag that I can get in, so I can swim but not get wet.”
If I come up with a line that brilliant, just once, I may never need to write again…
Oh wow I would love to see you as a spokesperson…really for any product whatsoever. It’s brilliant.
I’m assuming that they asked you to be a spokesperson because they like your sense of humor, no? In which case, your reply was perfect.
I don’t even have a cat and I want a cat waterbed.
Duuuuuuuude you should do it! It would be hilarious and awesome and more Bloggess is ALWAYS in order!
I think you’re selling yourself short. You should’ve asked for $300K and $200K worth of Ziplock bags full of 8 lbs of pure uncut cocaine in each bag.
You don’t want all that money getting wet, so having it sealed up with Ziploc brand Ziploc bags is definitely a good idea.
Oh I’m just stuck on Cat-ta-cha-phrase morphing into a cha-cha-cha dance in my head and I swear there is nothing “extra” in my chicken soup. This is the creatively cuckoo tribe, right?
Ziploc should have at least chosen option four. They may have another cat waterbed spokesperson but I bet you could take them. #teamjenny
Are they planning a new line of taxidermy safe ziplock bags? Then you take your animals boating, fishing, even to the pool. That’s the ticket!
I don’t understand why they wouldn’t respond. You’re giving them so many different options! This is an opportunity for them to really show their creativity in how to give you that $100,000. And to get in on a once-in-a-lifetime product. What a disappointment.
I don’t have TV, because I can stand commercials. But, the thought of seeing YOU on a commercial is making me re-think that….
Honest Moment: If you where the spokesperson for Ziploc, i might actually think about buying them before automatically putting the generic brand in my cart. If they put your image on the box, i think name brand would actually win and be worth the $1.50 more!!
I bet they’re just trying to figure out how much they could make off of cat waterbeds before they negotiate with you. That’s why Ziploc makes the big bucks.
Because it wasn’t enough to like the post on fb I also had to like the post for FB here in the blog too. You are hilarious.
I think that’s perfectly reasonable. Your fee as well as the cat waterbed thing. Might as well go for it.
People are wondering why I’m laughing so hard but I’m not going to tell them.
I feel silly asking because it feels like I should know…the answer is RIGHT THERE but I just can’t grasp it…so….why is the cat wearing condoms on it’s feet exactly?
OK, so in the first panel I thought Victor was the boar’s head on the wall. I did not see the illustrated man in the bed.
Secondly, I would watching the hell out of Ziplock commercials if you were in them. Creepy? Maybe.
oh dear…I worry…
I’d like to say that I would totally buy Ziploc bags if your face were on the package, but I’m poor and I really NEEEEED to save that fifty cents per box of plastic bags. But… A waterbed for cats? I just might be able to save up for that.
I want the conversation “So what’d your doctor say? The usual. Still crazy.” on a T-shirt for every time I go see the shrink. That’s a genius reply. What am I supposed to say every time I get back from there? There’s rarely anything new apart from the (probably non-functional-but-still-with-horrid-side-effects) new meds.
Also, can’t believe you haven’t heard from Ziploc. What were they expecting?
I don’t have a cat, but maybe I should get one. And a cat waterbed. And some roofies.
elisaashley @ 24 – So he doesn’t poke holes in the waterbed, of course! 😀
I thought “Roofies” was a musical about child roofing teams. Like ‘Newsies” but with more hammers. MORE HAMMERS!
I’m shocked that ziploc hasn’t responded. How unprofessional!
Clearly the cat waterbed is the best idea ever. I wouldn’t have been able to top it. But, I would would have pitched them: “Ziplocs: You put your weed in there.”
I think we all know that they would be fools to reject you. Ziplocs: Keeps the animal carcasses fresh until you get to the taxidermist.
Fuck this fucking thing for forcing me to login to wordpress, which I don’t even use, in order to post a comment. It never did this before. Anyway I was going to say something about how my cats would view a popped waterbed as the ultimate beverage source, but now I’m too pissed to do that.
Cat waterbeds exist: http://www.waterbeds-manufacturer.com/pet-waterbed.htm
Well I for one believe your conditions are perfectly reasonable. I’m sure you’ll hear back from Ziploc soon.
(thanks for the laugh!) 🙂
What perfectly reasonable demands.
Probably haven’t responded as they’re too busy counting out 100,000 ziploc bags.
I imagine the response at ziploc corporate hQ was something like this: ” What the …???…??? … ??? … ??? … I think we should take this as a “no.” Next. “
That comic is awesome. And I need one of those life-size human Ziploc bags too. But it would need an air-conditioner of some kind because I get all sweaty in Ziploc bags.
Yeah. If you could just have them contact me, my fee is only 50k in ziploc bags but I DO request that it be in quarters. Cause laundry.
Sigh… still not fast enough…
Would totally buy the waterbed for cats. I don’t have a cat, so it would become a waterbed for small dogs, but I think we can make that work.
Also this came to mind:
That’s awesome!
A waterbed for a cat is like giving a dog an indoor fire hydrant. Both really bad ideas.
what about waterbeds for rodents? or squirrels? We need to think about all the little furry creatures comfort.
Thank you for making me laugh for the first time in, I don’t know. You have made my day!
h Miller #32- MORE HAMMERS is the new MORE COWBELL. 🙂
Foxy Wine Pocket: Ziploc, you put your weed in there. Lmbo! Maybe you just put yourself on their radar and that’s why Jenny hasn’t heard back. They can’t decide between cat waterbeds or taking advantage of marijuana being legal in certain states, and building a specialized line for the Cannabis Crowd.
Decisions, decisions.
I let my cat play with a water-balloon out on the deck once. He jumped really high.
Wait, did you want 100,000$ spread out through your 100,000$ of zip lock bags? or did you want 100,000$ in each of your 100,000$ worth of zip lock bags? Huge difference. That would be a good chunk of change.
I suddenly want to work for ziplock, which I’ve never wanted to do before.
I had a friend whose mother was always making cat futons for a nonprofit–in such numbers I always wondered why every cat I met wasn’t in one. Now I’m wondering if she missed an opportunity. Cat waterbeds might not last long, but it would be worth it to catch the action on film.
You didn’t specify the size of Ziploc bags that you wanted. Sandwich Bags, Freezer Bags, Space Savers? Just don’t put your Ziploc bag with the $100,000 in the oven…because who puts plastic and paper in the oven? Also, if someone else is already making cat waterbeds (per @Some Guy), you need to get a piece of the action.
Sweet holy baby jeebus on a cracker that is some fucked up logic and utterly awesome at the same time. Though I’m not quite sure marketing at Ziploc is advanced enough to develop waterbeds for cats, it’s nice to know they are batshit crazy enough to see you as a real consumer. I’d be cool to know what new products they want to market. Maybe leak proof bags?
also, why did your friends comic but condom booties on the cat’s feet?
Testing!
Commenting is fun because you are fun.
You’re awesome and I think you’d make an awesome spokesperson.
Comment test, just for you!
Here is a comment. I am not logged in to WordPress
<3
Commenting….
Test. This is a rest. ❤️
Testing!
Ummm yes, I cannot fathom going on the rest of my life without a cat waterbed…..seriously…I need one.
Just doing a “comment test” for you. Because you’re The Bloggess and apparently you rate high enough in my life for me to waste time leaving rambling comments about comments. You’re welcome.
something something about making comments pressywords
It doesn’t seem to be making me log in…
Just testing out the comment box as requested on FB.
<3
I find myself really hoping that they call you back on that.
Hilarious!
Why haven’t you run for president yet?
That is amazing, my cats would LOVE a water bed. 🙂
Leaving a comment here when I know that you clearly requested that I leave my comment on FB. 😉
CAN YOU SEE THIS COMMENT? IF YOU CAN, LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.
(HAHAHAHAHAHA! But why is it that some people say they can’t comment today without having a wordpress account? Argh. ~ Jenny)
Ok, one more for ya.
test
I learned to make my bed every morning when I had cats and waterbeds. Why did it never occur to me to make them one of their own?
Commenting without Word Press!
If you were the spokesperson for ziplock, I would totally buy more ziplock bags as a show of support for your being the spokesperson. We need them anyway because apparently the state I live in has now banned plastic bags (at least in grocery stores) and we have two cats.
Testing . . . testing . . .
comment test… you’re the best!
Do you ever feel like perhaps these companies are sending you pitches just see how you’ll respond?
I am replying..via FB posted question. Confused yet?
Yes, I can leave a comment without logging into to wordpress.
If you can see this, I was able to comment. If not, I wasn’t really here so disregard this comment.
I can comment!
Test…
Testing to see if I can comment – I did not log in to word press – I would love a cat waterbed if we can also make one for dogs …
I sure hope I can comment without a wordpress account because it is SOOOOO annoying when that happens.
Woot! No wordpress account needed!
They don’t know what they’ve gotten into. Well, they do now!
I can’t believe they haven’t responded. And hopefully this test works!
a comment
I chasm seed it now. …. water sprinklers and mad cats!
Can I comment?
I can leave a comment, not logged in to WP.
I am testing your comments here.
Testing the comments section because Jenny asked so nicely.
So um I like cats, I watch cat videos on Youtube. OMG YOU SHOULD MAKE A FUCKING YOUTUBE CHANNEL JENNY. And by the way I have a cat waterbed. Just kidding but I would totally sit on it all fucking day if I did.
By the way my 15 year old brother keeps getting PENIS ENLARGEMENT emails on his school computer. Totally on topic. Off topic is the new on topic. For real people. But I took a screenshot you should email me if you want to see it. (The screenshot not his dick) PS I don’t know why I had to clarify it. My email is gabysmiley123@gmail.com
Yes, I can leave a comment. I though I’d leave you an old favorite:
A Kitten
by Eleanor Farjeon
He’s nothing much but fur
And two round eyes of blue,
He has a giant purr
And a midget mew.
He darts and pats the air,
He starts and cocks his ear,
When there is nothing there
For him to see and hear.
He runs around in rings,
But why we cannot tell;
With sideways leaps he springs
At things invisible –
Then half-way through a leap
His startled eyeballs close,
And he drops off to sleep With one paw on his nose.
Hi, Jenny. Testing yer commentz now 🙂
This is a test comment, as requested on facebook. I do not have a WordPress login.
Testing, testing, 1, 2, 4… 😉
Oh, I do not have a WordPress login
Just testing this comment thing…
Seeing if I can reply…..so far so good..
You’ve probably figured out already that people without WordPress can comment, so I’m just stopping in to say hi! Because I like you.
Cat plus waterbed becomes cat fountain… 🙂 Ziploc has to send you lots and lots of little bags now!
Did you factor in the sharp little claws that could puncture the water bed?
A lifetime supply of Ziploc bags would be handy. Just think of how many uses you could come up with as a reason for them to send more. And all those box tops for school…
Nothing to see here. Just checking posting ability.
Trying this out because I think that’s what you were asking us to do on Facebook.
Sounds like a perfectly reasonable fee to me 🙂
Comment, comment, comment
Came to comment. Stayed for the cat waterbeds.
Testing the comments. I’m not touching you…
I love it , this was my first laugh of the day. Thanks
Thanks for the giggles. You and Ziploc were made for each other.
Totally post checking. Not signed in to wordpress. Also, HA! Bet that’ll learn ’em.
And before I could post the fuckers made me log in. Drat.
That comic is awesome! I always know i can find a smile on your blog, thanks!
Commenting with NO wordpress!
I am logged into wordpress… I can post
I am not logged into wordpress…and I could comment!
Brilliant!
oh – I read that wrong. I didn’t understand that it was a waterbed FOR cats. I thought is was a waterbed filled with cats so you would be lying in bed surrounded by fluffy goodness… although in hindsight, that wouldn’t be terribly comfortable for the cats… and then you would not call it a waterbed, you’d call it a cat bed and that IS a bed for cats, not a bed OF cats. English is a Möbius strip sometimes…
(Great. Now I want a waterbed made of cats too. ~ Jenny)
The Ziploc bag for a human is a brilliant idea. Or perhaps a small one, just for the part of your head that has hair on it. B/c bathing caps ruin hair, as my mother always said. But a ziploc bag, well that would still show off your do while doing the backtstroke:). You’re genius.
Is it just me? The first thing I noticed is that it looks like you live in a motel room. Not that there’s anything wrong that…
This is a comment where I don’t have to log into anything in order to leave it, that is, unless after I type it and click to post it, it then asks me to log in. So far so good, though!
I didn’t have to log into anything.
At first, I thought the head mount on the wall was supposed to be Victor’s head… Then you would really have something to talk to your shrink about! 😉
Hello? Testing testing.
My dog just stole my husbands socks again. He runs around like a little horse. Which is cute. I always wanted a horse. This way I have a dog who runs like one and steals socks 🙂 And I wrote this because you asked on FB that we try to leave a comment.
Is this the post that hates commenters? Because cat waterbeds are awesome. Or would be, if they worked. Because claws.
random comment because there may be a problem with signing in?!? Sure I post a random comment…random is my life ya know.
I love all of this. You make me feel normal.
I wish these companies had the balls to take you up on these requirements. I’d be more inclined to use their products if they had more fun. (Though to be honest, I already use ziplocs almost daily – I’d just be much happier about it if you got cat waterbeds and a gazillion dollars out of my using them.) 😀
If I were the Ziploc people, I would be down on my hands and knees in gratitude because their commercials were just written by you.
And then I’d do commercials based on you lying in 1,000s of Ziploc bags and swimming in a Ziploc bag (with a camera in a Ziploc) and I would definitely make a prototype of a waterbed for cats.
I mean, this writes itself. (Granted because you already wrote it.)
OMG I think this is the most perfect comic ever created. Of course, as I type this I’m wondering if my doctor would give me roofies because the ambien and Tylenol PM clearly aren’t working right now. The Valerian smells terrible. Nothing else even remotely works and while ambien doesn’t always work either, at least it gives me fun ideas.
Maybe it is the difference in climate between Texas and Michigan, but shouldn’t a cat waterbed have a dash reflector shade, and heat pad, to keep it at a cozy level of warm?
Hmm, might have to get crafty and try out the cat waterbeds idea…
That’s so awesome!
And THAT is why I embrace my insomnia! The productivity possibilities are endless! Oh, and you are totally right about including a 4. I’m a lawyer. I know these things.
Test
Cat + claws + waterbed = epic disaster movie? I’m thinking something on par with Sharknado or Snakes on a Plane.
Ziploc probably hasn’t contacted you back because they’re looking into stealing your cat waterbed idea without getting sued.
Guys I found the best thing ever. I ordered one for my dog. Email @mymightdogcape@gmail.com and you can get a dog cape. FOR YOUR DOG. It’s so cute. She emailed me back saying she’s working on a website.
Just leaving a comment since I don’t have wordpress. But I do follow you on FB, so maybe that is the key?
I’m surprised the Ziploc people haven’t responded. Surely they knew who you were before they approached you? Then they should have expected the response they got.
The cartoon made me laugh out loud. Woke the dog up. She wasn’t pleased.
A while ago I had possibly the WORST time in my entire life. Beginning with a terrible breakup, a miscarriage, losing my job, and being so depressed I could not walk my dog and had to leave my back door open because getting up off the couch to let her in or out was absolutely impossible. I am now a couple years past this, and am on the general upward movement with occasional drops down again. Yay, me.
I have now discovered the worst part about this: I missed about a year and a half of Bloggess posts. I miss CAT WATERBED, y’all!! That’s terrible. The full ramifications of this period of my life coming to light now is just devastating. I will now spend the next few weeks trying to backtrack and regain the lost time by reading all the entries from 2010 and 2011. Here’s to hoping life gets back to normal! Le sigh. 😉
Thank you for making me laugh through my insomnia.
I just escaped domestic abuse. My killer is out there. #whyIstayed is trending, but no one is doing anything about it. Lost everything. Even my cat. Why are women not fighting this?
I think the ziplocs should come in fashion colors (e.g. pink, purple, magenta, etc.). A woman needs options ;-).
Cats stuck inside Zip-Loc bags might be even more interesting than a waterbed, but than again I am not much of a fan of cats.
I’m very interested in the cat waterbed. My cats, however, are not amused.
The face of Ziploc beats the shit out of the face of brown bags. Congrats.
What helps me sleep are boxes of Franzia. Crisp White, to be exact. Good luck.
Just testing the comments section of your blog, love your posts!
Cat waterbeds would keep my cats entertained for a long time. Awesome idea.
I hate to be the worst here, but I have several questions.
1) Do cats desire waterbeds? If yes, how do you know?
2) The comic had individual bags on each paw, are these like moon shoes for cats?
3) Have you tested this on your own cat? If so, why is there not a video of that?
4) I agree with you that having a fourth point looks more professional. Also like you, I don’t have a fourth point to make. Oops.
Amusingly enough, my boss’s husband’s CC just got declined because he is in Florida. She threw a hissy fit – “I travel all the time if this kind of thing is going to happen all the time we’re going to get a new card this has never happened in all my life etc etc.”
I welcomed her to the 21st century, told her about this post, and told her to get used to it.
Could cat wear condoms?
Just testing the comments section of your blog, love your posts!