I don’t even have the words, y’all.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

My friend sent me a link to a book she thought I needed to check out:

This is a real book. No shit.
This is a real book. No shit.

I can’t actually recommend the book because I haven’t read it yet, but I do have to share the list of related books Amazon suggests for me because HOLY SHIT, Y’ALL:

So. Yeah.
So. Yeah.

A few of my favorite things about this list:  “Related Searches:  Extreme Ironing.”  Also?  The fact that this list is categorized under “Women’s Biographies” and “Volunteer Work.”

No words.

**************

And now, time for the weekly wrap-up:

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Sean Fox, author of Room Service is Closed.  From Sean: “There are a great many horror stories from people who have stayed in hotels and had a miserable experience. No offense to those people, but working there isn’t all rainbows and sausages either. The front desk is where the vast majority of foolishness takes place. One of those front desk agents was me. Armed with bitterness, sarcasm, and general unpleasantness, I try to survive the world of The Hotel, a place filled with overly perky HR people, mind numbingly dull coworkers, and managers sent straight from the darkest pit of Hell. That’s not to mention the guests, a whole breed of crazy all on their own. Join me on my journey where I learn that the hospitality industry isn’t very hospitable and perhaps I don’t have the right attitude to be in it.”  You should check it out here.

128 thoughts on “I don’t even have the words, y’all.”

Read comments below or add one.

  6. “Images You Should Not Masturbate To” sounds like it should be subtitled “How to Build a Sexually Dysfunctional Human.” I mean — what’s in there? If I pleasure myself within a 24-hour period of viewing it, will I feel intense shame? Should I? Is there a special room in hell for people who lingered too long over the horrible, horrible image on page 26?

    I have questions.

  8. I have to say that I’m really curious about the things one should not masturbate to. I’m guessing the list includes lion testicles….

  12. Shouldn’t these books be in the self help section of Barnes and nobles. And if they refuse I demand they create an extreme ironing section immediately. All I can imagine is some 50’s housewife version of The Hunger Games. 24 go in. Only one comes out, but with perfectly formed pleats.

  21. I need that mug for teaching. A student says something ridiculous and I can just pause, take a sip and then give my diplomatic, teacher answer.

  22. A friend of mine created the sport (and the book) of Extreme Ironing. He doesn’t participate any more though.

  27. I’m going to South Africa next month, so if you need me to read that book I’d consider it background for my trip. (I don’t really want to do any participation activities though….) Also I will see some of those cats that are the worst.

  28. I wondered what I should do today. I was thinking, either clean the kitchen or lay in bed and watch TV. I didn’t consider playing with a lion’s testicle. I have got to have a bigger vision.

    I was going to say that I have to start thinking outside the box, but I really hate that expression.

  30. I’m in on the Mustang. Please let me know the names of the other 1,999,999 doners so I can friend them on Facebook.

  31. The P-51 is my favorite airplane, so I agree, that would be awesome if we could get it.

  32. Oh my it just became my goal to infiltrate that list into my christmas gift giving. Zen of farting hmm perhaps the brother in law. Images not to masterbate to… I DO have a sixteen year old nephew.

  33. I don’t even know which book I want to start with. Perhaps the “Zen of Farting”. I’ll for sure keep “How not to be a Dick” in mind for several people for holiday gifts. Priceless.

  34. Every time I follow one of these links I have to go back and scrub my Amazon browsing history so it doesn’t keep trying to sell me things like this.

  36. “How to Live with a Huge Penis”…….I guess someone had to write a book about that as I am sure that is a major problem for some. 🙂

  38. I picked up a book at a thrift store the other day about pilots, so I think I’m qualified to fly that plane. I put it on my Christmas list. Now I just need to believe in Santa really hard so he’ll bring it to me.

  39. I feel like I should buy copies of How Not To Be A Dick and give them to all of my husband’s relatives for Christmas. His family are a bunch of assholes. Except his mom. She’s a sweet lady. The rest of them can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

  40. The subtitle of the lion’s balls book is plural (Unexpected giftS from the animalS of Africa)! You gotta wonder what other surprises are included in there. ! Just when you think you’ve heard/seen it all (famous last words, famous last words…). And so what happens when the cat gets too big to keep in the house? I don’t know if a shelter would be willing to take the worst cat.

  41. I kinda want to read “Dancing with Jesus” now.

    And I’m curious about the “Images” not to masturbate to. I can think of a LOT of things one should never masturbate with…

  42. I really need to get a copy of “How Not to be a Dick” for someone I have a meeting this week. Here’s hoping it’s on the Prime shipping list.

  43. I love all the ball related ones! Mine would definitely be called “How My Ovaries Became the Bastards of My Body” or something like that…

  45. Waving a dollar: I’m in! One of the ground rules for the co-owners of the plane. No masturbating in the 2.14 million dollar plane, please.
    How to live with a big penis. I guess it stands to reason that these things are not learned intuitively.

  47. Amazon is going to make a killing because you know that those of us in your tribe will want to read some (OK, all) of those books.

  49. What unites these books (and other items) is that they’ve been given humorous reviews by users, and in some kind of bizarre Amazon Easter Egg (though I’m not yet sure how deliberate it is!) they all seem to show up if you search for one of them! My personal favourites have to be “The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification”, “Unicorns Are Jerks: a coloring book exposing the cold, hard, sparkly truth”, and “Radiant Farms Canned Unicorn Meat” – the reviews are hilarious!

  50. So yeah I headed over to Amazon to see for myself, clicked on the extreme ironing link and ran across a few other books I won’t be buying, including Pet Goats and Pap Smears (I’m hoping this is a self-published book because NO editor should’ve let that title get by) and Make your Own Sex Toys: 50 Quick and Easy DIY Projects (no words).

  51. My son is a Navy pilot, and he should be out of the Navy in just over a year. I’ll set up a PayPal account for us, have him pick up the plane, and keep it on my farm south of Austin!! Then, you can call and say, “Pick me up at 2:00 PM on Thursday. I need to go to Aruba.”

  53. The very BEST part is that ALL of these books are very well rated. The Holy Bible?…4 stars. How To Live With a Huge Penis?…5 stars!!! Amazon has spoken!!

  54. Currently looking up all these books to put on my birthday wishlist. Mostly because I want to read the, and also I may be thinking about how awesome these would look as coffee table books. And I also want to leave “Images you should not masturbate to” somewhere in my restroom. Like how people will leave magazines like “Better Living” as reading material? (I always imagine it as emergency toilet paper) I need that book in my bathroom now.

  56. Raccoons have penis bones also. I was informed that they were called hillbilly toothpicks from my father, who is the first generation iff the hill.

  57. I have some very entertaining friends who wandered Barnes and Noble recently to see if they could find the perfect book for each other. She found “Crap Taxidermy” by Kat Su, and he found “WTF, Evolution?!” by Mara Grunbaum. They are truly meant for each other. And, the bonus for the rest of us is, if you type either title into the Amazon search engine you find a slew of delightful alternate recommendations along those lines. I love people.

  58. Dancing with Jesus is a must buy! I used to be a terrible dancer, but now with Jesus’ help, I’ve been raising the dead with my new moves!

  59. And in addition to some of the same books they suggested for you, Amazon added the following for my reading pleasure: “Extreme Ironing,” “The Quotable Ahole: More than 1,200 Bitter Barbs, Cutting Comments, and Caustic Comebacks for Aspiring and Armchair Aholes Alike,” and “Crafting with Cat Hair.” Wow.

  62. Playing with a lion’s testicles without that lion trying to eat you sounds like something that requires an in-depth instruction manual, so I would like to say Bravo! to Melissa Haynes, your public service is noted.

  63. I think “How Not To Be A Dick” and “How to Play With a Lion’s Testicles” sounds like a great double feature. I shall have to buy both toute suite. Thanks again! 🙂

  64. “Images You Should Not Masturbate To” Have they NEVER heard that you NEVER end a sentence with a preposition? Shouldn’t it be “Images You Should Not Masturbate To, You Pervert!”??

  65. What, no comments about the hippopotamus cat?? Also TS is photoshopped.

    (I suspected Taylor Swift wasn’t a real person. ~ Jenny)

  67. Oh, my god. I just pulled the list up on Amazon, and looked at Dancing with Jesus. The list of books that other customers bought after this purchase are hilarious, too! Not at all Jesus-like. Or maybe they are. I always thought he’d be fun.

  69. Here’s a better idea than buying WWII fighter planes, buy a haunted cabin complex that used to be a vacation retreat for nuns in the canyon near my hometown and turn it into a haunted B&B…it’s much less than a plane, although you’d probably have to sink about $200k into renovations. Just think how many antique taxidermied animals you could fit into that place!

  75. im for chipping in on the plane, but ONLY if we all also chip in on a private island and pilot to get us there for inclusive vactions. we can have a password for a free stay. something along the lines of “aloha motherfuckers”

  76. I’m going to blog about my Bert and Ernie dream. this is what I’m doing instead of writing “I Shat Upon That.”

    BLOGGGGGEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!

  80. Those books pretty much cover all of my goals in life: 1) play with a lions testicles 2) don’t be a dick 3) masturbate to acceptable images 4) dance with Jesus 5) learn how to live with my large penis 6) be zen while farting 7) celebrate my testicles.

    Just to be clear, I don’t actually have a penis or testicles but I didn’t want my goals in life to be sexist and only appropriate for a woman.

  81. I did not head the warning of only listen at work with headphones video. lol.. aaaaand. I shut it off at the bone in their dick. not that my co worker would’ve minded so much but I felt like the video could’ve only gone down hill from there.

  82. I used to own a Spanish version of ‘Images You Should Not Masturbate to’. There are no words in the book, just strange pictures. But the title was in Spanish!

  83. I love your blog posts! And I immediately went to Amazon to see what books were recommended for me. None of them were near as good.

  84. I’m tempted to buy them all and add them to my book collection. I’d love to see the expressions on the faces of my relatives as they go through my belongings after I’m dead. Who will keep them for themselves and who will donate them to Goodwill???

  86. Aye! What @The Imp said…the bar for publishing is really not that high, is it? It’s all about who you know…or maybe about finding your niche?…My head hurts now. Going to get a drink.

  87. I think every single man in America should buy a copy of “How to Live with a Large Penis” and leave it on the coffee table before their date comes over.

  88. Amazon is always trying to get me to buy Don’t Be A Dick. I always wondered how it knew me so well. 🙂

  89. The book you’re ‘sponsoring’ at the end sounds a lot like Not Always Right! I love those too and get my fix on their Tumblr account 🙂

  90. I would like to know why Dancing With Jesus takes an extra 1-2 days to procrss. This seems like the kind of book that should be ready to ship at a moments notice.

  94. I need a copy of the book “How Not To Be A Dick” to give to my neighbor. He’s a BIG DICK with a bad case of “Little Man Syndrome”. We are at war to the point where I am considering going to court to request a restraining order. That is how my day is going.

  95. Tiffany #58, I’m sitting in the car waiting for my grand daughter and laughing like a crazy person. AMEN and HALLELUJAH! !

  97. I have a version of Dancing with Jesus where the subtitle is: Images You Should Not Masturbate To, so it makes sense those two are related.

  98. Living with a huge Dick is co-authored by a REVEREND. He must truly be blessed…

  99. I just bought the Dancing with Jesus one for a friend. It’s got a freakin’ hologram cover dude! So Jesus actually shimmies! (Auto correct just tried to change shimmies to whiskies then BTW).
    I also tried to buy one called Make Your Own Sex Toys but it didn’t turn up so Amazon refunded me. (It was also for a gift…. honest).

  100. I’m a bit speechless also. The only thing I’m sure of is that Jesus would not pull that dance move. He’s not a White Man’s Overbite kind of dancer. I just know that.

  101. I read the synapses of the book on Amazon and was actually slightly disappointed that this is not a book about bestiality and foreplay with exotic animals. And now I am questioning my sanity for being disappointed that a book is not about that. Damn you for bringing light to even more issues that I didn’t need to be aware I had!

  102. I’ve hurt myself by trying so hard not to laugh at all the kick ass stuff you pinned! Thanks for the giggles though!

  104. So many questions left unanswered, but on the plus side, I’ve got some great gift ideas!

  105. Is there drug testing in Extreme Ironing? If not, there are some NFL players with time to kill….

  109. You haven’t lived until you have eaten lion testicles. That is not really the kind of thing I ever need to or want to hear but it is better than playing with them. Trust me, very few men are interested in having some strange animal play with their balls, lion or human.

    And yet again your post leads me to leave a comment I probably never would have otherwise come up with on my own. 🙂

  110. What augie (#75) said—I’m in. I have several ziploc bags of coins I can contribute. Who else?

  111. I’m wondering whether more male or females bought ‘How to cope with a huge dick’. And I am wondering if one of the suggestions is to start a career as a porn star……

  112. Whaaahahaha!!! Okay so, the Lion should probably read “How to live with a Huge Penis”.

    As for “Images you should not Masturbate to”: Definitely a Lion’s testicles…

    And when it comes to playing with a Lion’s testicles…… HEEEEEEEEEEEEERE KITTY KITTY KITTY!!!!

  113. Clearly, I have not spent enough time on Amazon. I must have How Not To Be a Dick – Christmas gift for my ex? Check. Playing with lion’s balls? Priceless. Christmas shopping done.

  116. These came up as related because they were all featured in a strangely-titled books contest that’s held every year by some international publisher’s association. Captain away!

  117. So, is playing with a lion’s testicles strictly a volunteer thing? Is this the sort of hobby I’m supposed to disclose to my insurance company?

  119. Any word on your book ?
    Waiting patiently .
    Hope I’m not taxidermied before it comes out !

  120. Playing with a lions testicles is an African metaphor for taking stupid chances. And the book sounds fantastic. Just bought it.

  122. Good time to mention that I bought ten copies of that masturbation book, about three years ago (for $1.49 each!) and gave them out as gifts for years.

  123. Your last post of amazon recommends featured the sloth shirt I wound up getting for my eighth wedding anniversary (Prompting me to want to deface wikipedia in a Beyoncelike fashion and make Sloths the 8th anniversary standard.) These books don’t scream Jenny Lawson to me, but everytime I see the Taxidermy books In my BN humor section, I think of you.

    http://amzn.com/B00KAFX9SU is an example although i’m sure you already know of these things.

  126. hmmm… time to re-ponder The Truth is Stranger Than Fiction … cause clearly by that list Fiction is pretty freakin’ strange…

  128. Look how we all love to watch the mighty get taken down at the
    knees for doing things “we’d never do. The grainy video is also rumored to have a backstory
    that implies that Birdman, the record executive who has been at odds with Lil Wayne, could have something to do with the video’s
    release. ” However, the Florida judge ruled that out of the 17 files in this case, 15 of those files would remain sealed.

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