You can call me “Spatula” for short.

in blogging about blogging again, Random Crap

Did you read my post about Victor always being wrong even though he’s mostly right, and the internet’s enthusiasm in enabling me in what’s probably a very unhealthy but also fantastic way?  If so, then you’ll realize why this is so awesome.

According to wikipedia, this is all accurate and the changes were listed under the category of “Truthfulness“.  (Click on the picture to super-size.)

wikipedia bloggess oct 2014

A few highlights:

  • My name is now: Jennifer Juanita Spatula Jezebel Who-Let-The-Dogs-Out Lawson
  • Under the category of “children” it lists two: “1 daughter, 1 husband”.
  • My religion is “Bloggessianism” and I was born in “Time” and “Space”
  • New facts:  1)  “In arguments and discussions with her husband, Victor, she is right and he is wrong.”  2)  “She also owns a chicken.”

Several people have said they misread my spouse as “Victim” rather than “Victor” and frankly that seems fair because Victor is a tremendous good sport considering the ridiculousness I involuntarily drag him into.  In fact, he told me he agreed completely with all of the “Victor is wrong” websites, but I’m pretty sure he just did that because if Victor is right about always being wrong then that must be wrong which means that Victor is right and wrong at the same time and I’m pretty sure that creates some sort of paradox and now we’ll be sucked into a wormhole.  

And that just seems wrong.  

Full circle, you guys.

PS.  I sort of like that “Bloggessianism” is listed as a religion because now when people try to give me pamphlets about their religion I can just give them back my own pamphlets.  My only problem is that I don’t really know anything about Bloggessianism so it’s going to be a very small pamphlet unless we come up with shit to go in there.  I’m just spitballing here so feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.

Some basic tenets of the Church of Bloggessianism:

  • Don’t be an asshole.
  • Extra gravy for everyone.
  • Two holy days of observance each month requiring Bloggessians to take the day off and watch bad tv or read in bed.  We also get all the regular holidays off for every other religion because we’re incredibly open-minded and like to support other beliefs as well.  This includes Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day, National Donut Day, Deviled Egg Appreciation Day, etc.  (FYI…today is National Chocolate Day so if you’re at work you need to leave right now and go make some s’mores for religious reasons.)
  • If you see a sloth you are given special dispensation to hug it.  Present your official card to any zoo officials.
  • Someone needs to make an official I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To card.
  • Mosquitos are now illegal.
  • Wearing slippers and pajamas in public is a sign of your faith and you’re allowed to kick judgey people in the knee if they question you.  Togas are also acceptable if you are feeling particularly religious or if you’ve run out of clean clothes altogether.
  • (INSERT YOUR COMMANDMENT HERE.)

 

281 thoughts on “You can call me “Spatula” for short.”

Read comments below or add one.

  6. Thank you. Now I know what everyone on my Christmas list is getting. I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To cards are going to be the next Tickle Me Elmo, I just know it.

  9. How about “The ability to spend your entire work day hiding in a closet and reading blog posts on your work laptop”?

  13. Thou shalt not glue dead birds to motel art however thou shalt dress dead mice in interesting costumes and give them interesting poses.

  14. @Cassandra I think we all know the officially church-approved method of knocking on doors while proselytizing.

  16. Off the top of my head, I would be a Deacon in a church that had the following commandments carved into their cinder-block walls:

    Thou shalt not drink shitty coffee.
    Thou shalt not wear leggings as pants.
    Thou shalt use birth control of your choosing and keep your noses out of other people’s panties.
    Thou shalt wear sunscreen

    That’s it, enough thinking for today.

  18. Shouldn’t we all also automatically be part of the Unicorn Success Club too? And we all get our own pony.

    (I didn’t even add it because it goes without saying, but yeah. That’ll have to go in the pamphlet too. Please specify if you want gravy on your pony. ~ Jenny)

  22. When I perform marriages, can I say “In the name of the Bloggess”? If so, I’m all in with this religion.

    (Totally. Or “In the name of Beyonce.” That kind of sings. ~ Jenny)

  25. Commandments:
    – No one leaves the house until all cookies are eaten.
    – All orphaned pygmy hippos will be adopted, so we can “Hug them and kiss them and call them George.”
    – On the sabbath, excerpts shall be read from “The Phantom Tollbooth.”

  27. Can we have wine slushies and chocolate like communion? That is my kind of communion.

  32. Services will not require actually getting together except to eat because who doesn’t like informal dinner guests?

  37. Blogessians must be taxidermied upon death and kept in the family home. Keeping them fashionably dressed at all times is a must or you will be haunted by them.

  38. Those who would like to forego their extra gravy out of the goodness of their hearts deserve an extra dark chocolate brownie for dessert. (Seriously, try the Ghiradelli dark chocolate brownie mix–you’ll never go back!)
    The only weapons we believe in are books (as per the prophet Doctor) and we believe in heavily arming everyone.

  39. Though shalt not talk to people who are less than 10 pages from the end of the book they are currently reading (it can wait, people).

  40. Thou shalt buy a 5ft metal chicken and display it in your yard as proof of your fidelity to the Bloggess. Thou shalt also decorate the holy symbol for all holidays.

  42. Chile gravy will do nicely, preferably with ground venison incorporated…with cheese enchiladas because any religion must have righteousness in the form of cheese enchiladas and chile gravy.

    Why does chocolate day come so close to Halloween? It should come afterwards so you can celebrate your indulgence at half-price, though the selection is better on Feb. 15.

  43. I’m in, especially since I’m very open-minded about religions other than Bloggessianism. Pass on hugging sloths, though. They look cute, but I understand that those claws can do a surprising amount of damage, and I understand that their coats get quite mildewy. Now, I’m not one for excessive personal hygiene, and did in fact drive my son to school in my sleep tee this morning — albeit worn under a yoga jacket and pants, for I do not want to show my undies or braless boobs to his classmates (he’d die, as he’s a high school freshman); I have covered up in a robe in the past, but this morning grabbed the “let’s pretend that I work-out” garb — but mildew and mold belongs in the bathroom, not on a huggable animal’s coat. Just one woman’s opinion. I suppose in theology everything is up for debate.

  44. And we must have mandatory cupcake Mondays, where no matter what everyone gets a cupcake! Unless you’re celiac.

  45. Firstly, speaking as someone who routinely leaves the house in her pjs, I truly appreciate that commandment. Secondly, I wholeheartedly approve of sloth hugging. Here’s a commandment for you:

    All taxidermied animals wearing clothes are to be seen as signs from God of the existence of humor

  47. What about hats? When do we know to wear our crazy hats? Or is that a year round thing?

  48. My daughter’s name is Jezabelle, and I think it’s awesome that you guys now have that in common. 😉

  51. Some creative person get on our cards and they need to be sold in the store. So get on that now. It should include a picture of Beyoncé. I am ready to place my order.

    Also we need pamphlets to pass out-get on that.

    New commandment: when your Dr injects your body with steroids in your joints and it makes you feel stabby, one killin is totally allowed. Basically as long as you give a warning-verbal or visual- you may carry out the stabby feelings without reprocussion. Especially if you a wine slushy in your hand.

    I will be honored to be a deacon in this church.

  52. Honor thy internet and spread the name of Bloggessianism; in all ways acknowledge the Beyonce and keep it holy; keep the Victor in thy prayers and do not succumb to the wrongness; forever and ever or until the gravy runs out.

  53. Taxes levied on those who don’t laugh at our jokes, or who don’t like to read. Money used to fund another space program for geckos. I think that needs a second chance. All members worship geckos? Or just the celebrity-astronaut ones? I’m not dogmatic about this.

  57. *Must own at least one unicorn…if said unicorn is too difficult to obtain, making a headband with a unicorn’s horn on it and putting it on your pet will suffice.

  58. Hey… where are your Super Doctor credentials on your Wikipedia page?? Those editors are slacking! So does Victor get to join Bloggessianism?

  59. Bloggessians shall always carry an emergency red dress with them to hand out to people in distress.

  60. No sins count while holding twine.
    Absolution for all sins involves collating papers.

  61. Wait. Shouldn’t the metal chickens be the ones going door to door to share information about your religion? Ding dong motherf*cker!

  62. Can we also kick people who instruct us to “smile” and “cheer up” when we are not sad?

  63. You know how I know it’s time for me to go to bed? I totally thought you graduated from “Anglo State University”.

    Despite my sleepy haze, I’m totally joining this Church. Please tell me that Taco Tuesday is an acceptable sin, tho. I totally can’t give that up. I’m just not strong enough…

  65. Finally, a religion I can get behind! #1- Best. Tenet. Ever. (Although if there were tenants and we could charge them rent we might not need to pass the plate to collect funds to buy amazing chickens and stuffed bobcats.) I feel like there needs to be an altar, and maybe a goddess symbol, like Heady Lamar maybe?

  66. Commandment: If someone you love is down and depressed, you have to slink up behind them, wrap yourself around them and tell them you’ve just wrapped them in a love burrito OR love sweater and they may button you up to their top or make you a supreme with extra cheese depending on their preferences.

  67. When speaking with a potential Blogessian convert a Blogessian’s selling point should be, “Don’t you want a little taste of the glory? Just to see what it tastes like?” in a Nacho Libre accent.

  68. Must love cats… ok that might be a stretch for some people… so here’s a more broad option: must like animals; including, but not limited to: housecats, taxidermied bobcats, giant metal chickens; must NOT like giant squids!

    Must giggle every time you go to knock on someone’s door while whispering “Knock knock, motherf…” under your breath.

  69. In keeping with extra gravy, we believe there can never be too much stuffing, or dressing, depending upon which part of the country you come from.

  70. Also, it should be pointed out, that as of this post, Wikipedia thinks your husband’s name is Victim. It amused me, but ya miiiiiiight wanna change it. Or not. Maybe Victor edited that part of the page.

  73. I have nothing witty to add here because holy hell it’s a high pain day and it’s all I can do to keep the children alive. But, it’s almost naptime so I’m going to throw a “praise be to Bloggess” on the end of that. For good measure.

  74. A couple of years ago we discovered the existence of an ancient Lawsbian mythology. I shall check with my fellow holders of the ancient files to see if it allowable to make public our secret findings. “All hail Jennycus!”

  77. Leaders shall wear bathrobes or curlers in their hair. If hair is too short/non-existent for curlers, then a shower cap will suffice.

    PS. I am a waitress and would greatly appreciate some of these religious pamphlets being printed soon, so that I can give them out to people who decide to leave me THEIR religious pamphlets in lieu of a tip. =/

  78. Is there a commandment about unusual taxidermy animals? I feel like there should be a Pegasus in every house. Maybe just a small one…

  79. Though shall not let yourself be without internet access for more than (a day?).
    It should allow you to do anything you can to have internet access anywhere because your religion tells you to.

  80. You know how at the hospital or doctor’s office they will ask you for your religion? (I guess in case you die on premises and they know what to do with you.) Anyway, I can’t wait to list this as my religion. Please don’t make parallel parking a requirement for all believers. Not that you would. I’m just really, really bad at it.

  82. Sonic screwdrivers – we need sonic screwdrivers somewhere. Also – wearing red dresses is not only allowed but encouraged on any and all Bloggessian holidays. This tenant is gender neutral, btw. Sparkly red shoes also encouraged. Weddings in the Bloggessian tradition should include the exchange of twine and collation of paper.

  85. Inserted Commandment:

    Above all things, we strive to be furiously happy. If that doesn’t work, wine slushees usually will.

  86. Thou shalt station a giant metal chicken outside thy office window (and why can’t I attach a photo to this post so you can see mine)?

  88. The First Prophet shall be declared St. Wil of Wheaton. His words shall also be sacred-unless they contradict The Bloggess, at which point he is just Anne’s husband and joins us in being wrong.

  89. Please put in the pamphlet the recognized miracle of mushroom boobs, and Lawsbians as the devout followers of Bloggessianiasm, and the we prefer to wear the Red Dress and/or wolf skin, and can we throw in there somewhere that cats are held in high esteem?
    OMG – we really all need supervision…

  90. Can we include a commandment about wine as a sacrament? Also, I need some clarification on the first commandment. How are we defining asshole? I think sometimes I’m an asshole in a good way.

    But then again, maybe I think that because I’m an asshole. So confused.

  91. There is a town up for auction in Connecticut (starting bid $800K). If we all pool our money together, we can buy it and start the town devoted to the Church of Bloggessianism. If you promise we can have Taco Tuesday, then I promise I will be a faithful follower.

  92. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I wore shark slippers to my midwife visits.. I think I also wore them the day she was born. They additionally come out on holidays.. we were always members of your religion.. lol.

  94. You’ve got most of it covered.

    But I’d like to add the following:

    1. Followers of the Blogessian faith understand that “time is a wibbly wobbly concept” and therefore deadlines are portals that must be avoided unless we’re okay with being trapped in a rift.
    2. Blogessians are also allowed to say no to social dos without guilt (especially at the last minute) for reasons related to their heads getting in the way…

  96. Celebrate the awkwarding. Never let anyone be awkward all alone. Also embrace your weird. I think these probably go together.

  98. You must visit all metal chickens throughout the known universe. There are more than you think…check out ‘The Dorking Cockerel’ here… https://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1600&bih=775&q=the+dorking+cockerel&oq=the+dorking&gs_l=img.3.0.0.1182.4006.0.6172.13.9.1.3.3.0.273.747.7j0j1.8.0….0…1ac.1.56.img..1.12.756.5ZrdJHXz_wA
    There is also currently a giant blue chicken in Trafalgar Square, London, UK.
    😀

  99. This is fantastic! Now that you’re a religion you can file as a non profit and stop paying taxes!

  102. Cassandra | October 28, 2014 at 9:18 am
    Sign me up as a disciple of the Church of Bloggessianism. I may have to go door to door.

    I totally read “Sign me up as a despicable of the Church of Bloggessianism” hahahaha!!!

  103. I want to say something like “Be excellent to each other”, but I think “Don’t be an asshole” kind of has that covered. Also Bill and Ted said it first, so it’s probably patented or trademarked or something. Will have to research the separation of Bloggessianism and state institutions like trademarks and patents, or alternatively the legality regarding the use of movie quotes as commandments. Is there a paralegal in the house?

    So, apart from that, “Thou shalt remove the plastic ring from thine cupcake, and wear it proudly. With or without removing the frosting from it first. Of course.”

  107. 1 daughter, 1 husband. I love it. I think I’m going to start practicing your religion. Sounds perfect to me!! Love your blog lady! Thanks for the smiles and laughs!

  108. As long as this remains an unorganized ‘organized’ religion, I’m all for it. It’s when religions go and get all organized that the shit hits the fan. Although so far the Pastafarians have remained non-hostile. Can we add you must own a taxidermied animal in some shape or form? That could be another commandment. 😉

  110. As long as the gravy doesn’t go on my mashed potatoes, we’re OK. (Mashed potatoes should be enhanced by a melted butter lake in the middle and some salt. And nothing else.)

  112. One of our major tenets should be David Tenant. Major David Tenant? Can I be named Keeper of the Tenant?

  114. –Spiders must ask permission before entering a home.
    –Notification of something being poisoned in the refrigerator is always required.
    –We don’t take communion, we leave post-its.

  116. Can I be a High Priestess of Bloggessianism? Being that I know the programming magiks and all, I think it’s only fair.

  119. I’m probably going to hell for reading this because it is National Chocolate Day and instead of observing, I am reading your blog. I’m going to go rectify that right now. Also, blogessiwhatchamacallits get to be right. Like you are. Sorry, Victor.

  120. Am I to assume that any formal meetings of this religion will be held in the bathroom?

  125. Is it just Spatula or Grande Dame High Spatula or The Great and Powerful Spatula? In Bloggessian is only your husband wrong? Because frankly my husband is wrong as well, it may be husbands are generally incorrect or just plain wrong in Bloggessian. Your thoughts Dear Divine Spatula?

  126. Bloggessianism is now an official selection on the facebook “Religious Views” pull-down menu. Our souls are safe.

  127. In the name of the Bloggess, Beyoncé, and the Holy Twitter. Amen.
    Also are we incorporating wine into this somehow? Every religion needs wine.

  128. A table serves as altar, and all sacraments take place under it.
    Including distribution of the Judy Garland Trail Mix.
    Blogessians don’t have saints, they have Tricksters, and the Holy Trinity are Neil, Wil, and Ray.

  129. The biggest commandment: Depression lies.

    Also, I think there should be saints of Bloggessianism and there are already a few: St. Wil of Collating. St. Jeri Ryan of Spatula. (And there. We are officially full circle.)

  133. I was having trouble deciding on a religion since I couldnt find one that would embrace my base urge to constantly tell people “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.”

    I propose a baptism rite that involves some kind of beverage with a little umbrella in it, stretch marks and/or cellulite are to be recognized as proof of general awesomeness, high heels are declared “evil” unless followers truly enjoy wearing them (in which case they are tax deductible) and the higher ranked religious leaders (or anyone, really) have the ability to mildly tazer people deemed ignorant of our beliefs using the “smite” application on their smartphones. (Note: find someone who can make it so I’m not lying when I say, “Smite-ing? Yeah, there’s an app for that.”)

    And also…. can I have Healer Girlfriend’s gravy?

  135. Well another religion bites the dust for me. Apparently I would break the 1st commandment right away since my friends tell me all the time that I’m an asshole. Other then that this sounds like a cooler religion then all the others especially the Catholics. Who can stand all that up and down for like hours! Crap on a cracker!

  137. ‘Some basic tenants’

    I think you mean ‘tenets’. 🙂 Unless you are renting rooms in your religion, which I realise is a possiblilty.

  138. I’m so in! Two adds to the manifesto please?
    1. Day drinking is not only approved but encouraged
    2. Any actions taken while either day drinking or mixing medications can be forgiven by the Patron Saint of Chemical Substances, Nancy W. Kappes.

  142. In lieu of a unicorn residing near a believer, one may put a hair scrunchie (found underneath the sofa) around one’s cat’s neck and proclaim her as Queen Elizabeth. The balance of the day will be spent as her lady in waiting, curled up next to her in bed while she naps.

  143. I’m pretty sure there needs to be something about margaritas in there. Or at least some form of frozen, slushy alcohol.

  145. It is always the right time to drink alcoholic beverages. If you want to. But, you don’t HAVE to if you’re concerned that someone might think you have a problem, or something.

  149. I’m willing to convert but I can’t pronounce it. I’m sitting here in my living room sounding it out. I’m a highly skilled reader and sounder-outer. Why is this happening?

  151. Booo! Not only has Wikipedia been put back to the merely boringly factual, your entry has been locked down so that only established registered members can edit it. Reason given; regular vandalism due to article visibility. Boooooring, Wikipedia.

  152. I must insist that my religious tenets include eating Chinese food out of paper cartons with chopsticks while clothed in pajamas.

  153. So relieved to hear about the pajamas in public part…I just walked to the bus stop wearing mine. That may sound lazy, but I did make chocolate cupcakes today. I always celebrate holidays.

  154. Religious communions are conducted in the bathroom of large social events.

    Puppies and kitties are our religious leaders thus requiring us to cuddle and play with them as much as possible.

  155. Collating string is a must, along with Beyoncé’s birthday just leave off the gravy, you can have my share!

  156. To combat Wikipedia’s ignoring of our Constitutional rights, someone should make a website about Bloggessianism. I think if enough of us sign up, they have to declare it an official religion, right?

  157. Love the illegal mosquitoes idea.

    Put me down for an mandatory pass for ‘SKIP HOUSEWORK DAY’, for ANY day when we’re busy composing blog posts and can’t possibly be expected to do more than sip hot drinks in our PJs at the computer while reading other blogs and giggling.

    Example: “Nope- I didn’t do the laundry, the dishes, or get dressed today because, um, time just got away from me. Also, I don’t know what’s for dinner. Here’s my pass.”

    All chores that get skipped are automatically deleted from existence and do not get rolled over to the next day, either. In the name of Beyonce. ;0)

  158. I cannot BELIEVE you forgot National Punctuation Day. To us Supreme Arbiters of All Things Grammatical, Orthographic, and Punctuational [who also get to make up words], that is the highest of high holy days.

  165. The allowance to avoid douchebags, and those practicing douchebaggery, at all costs, insofar as to exclude them from the Aura of Amazingness that all Bloggessians possess by their very nature.

  167. Ice cream. I find it sacrilegious that no one has mentioned the tenet: “Thou shalt consume sinful quantities of ice cream. Whenever. Wherever.” In the name of Beyoncé. Amen.

  168. Another commandment – binge watching on netflix is not only allowed – it is encouraged!

    I can’t wait until I am grown up enough (or famous enough) to have my own wiki page. sigh.

  169. When one Blogessianist greets another with “Knock-Knock”, the correct response is “Motherfucker”.

  170. I don’t have tenets to add but I did make up my own religion in high school and had an elaborate story about how I had to keep my head covered for the holy day so I wore a dolphin baseball cap the entire day. It was actually to protest the new dress code which included a ban on wearing hats. It was a protest that only I knew was happening. If this website had been around back then I would have claimed Bloggessarianism as my backup. So wait, i do have a tenet to add: One holy day a month where you get to wear a hat all day but it’s really just because you were too lazy to wash your hair for two days and don’t want anyone to see how greasy it is. Or as a way of protesting stupid high school dress codes.

  172. I’d like to add to clio44’s comment: permission to refer to all caught engaging in douchebaggery as ‘bone-sucking snot flower worms’! Publicly.

  174. I believe we need our own equivalent to “hallelujah” or “amen.” I humbly suit the cheer from Python’s Holy Grail that my friend Thane described as “you really are excited, you’ve just got broken ribs”. Written in no caps at all times.

    yayy.

  176. We ALWAYS celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day because my youngest daughter was born on that day AND she was diagnosed with strabismus in her left eye and has had to wear an eye patch for the past 2 years to correct it. Coincidence? I think not 😉

  177. Good thing I ACCIDENTLY got two bags of reeces cups candy for halloween. We only need one of those for trick-or-treaters, right? I’m totally finishing off the bag today for Chocolate Day. It’s all good when done for religion, right? Right?

    Also, you should totally get a betta fish with a big tank. I have mine alone in a 10 gallon tank, and he’s super friendly and begs for food all the time like a dog. He’s also super aggressive and attacks his own reflection like a cat. I guess the only downside is you couldn’t hold him for pictures.

  178. I’m in. I’m already a Dudeist Priest, so imma need both on my cards. But we’re cool with that.

  180. We need some sort of voting system on here to find out the most popular commandments!

  181. Thou shalt get free lattes from Starbucks if you can present any of the following items: a laptop, notebook and pen, gum wrapper, or lone tic tac rolling around in the bottom of your purse.

  184. Holy crappenstuff I wanna join your religion. I mean, I’m already an ordained minister and such; can I call myself a Bloggessarian priest??? Cause that would be so awesome. We could print out cards and make a logo!

  185. While watching any movie that was inspired from a book it is holy to throw popcorn and talk back during the parts they got wrong, like our version of praying.

  187. Kitchen cleanup (that extra gravy isn’t going to make itself, people) should be done by the person who loves you most. All housework, actually. Ideally, it should be a competition.

  189. I would buy that membership card but I’ll need mine laminated because I spill things and I don’t want to get salsa on my membership card.

  190. Hmmm…this seems a little discriminatory as against mosquitoes. After all it’s in their nature to be stabby and I thought your tribe and, by extension, your religion accepted all life forms without judgment. Can a religion make something illegal? Oh wow, I just forgot what I was doing. Awaiting the pamphlets.

  191. I sign up just to hug a sloth, and will demand religious freedom to be allowed to hug all the zoo animals.

  194. If a llama is within ten feet of you, then you get the right to ride it and if you’re feeling extra religious you may wave a flag of anything proudly. (Pirat flag is suggested.)

  195. The sacrament of wine and chocolate is mandatory on all days ending in “day”.

  196. Bloggessianism sounds legit! My students think Wikipedia is the ultimate source for knowledge (they are college students, so it makes me a little sad to write that) so in their eyes Victor is wrong. End of story.

  204. The light! I’ve seen the light! I cannot f-ing WAIT for Talk Like A Pirate Day. My boss will understand why I’m not in that week!

  205. tenets
    And now you’ve just kicked me out of the Bloggessian church because I broke the first tenet of not being an asshole. I’m sorry. But I make the best gravy on the planet, so if you let me back in I will help pass out the gravy.

  206. I can get behind this disorganized religion.
    1. Naptime every day.
    2. Saturday is now Caterday.
    I’ve hardly slept for two days, I’m loopy and exhausted, I guess I can call it a religious experience?
    3. Squids are evil.

  207. So I guess Victor the Victim would be the first martyr of the Bloggessian creed? Should there be a special rule that he can be sainted before death? Sometimes I think my victim (husband) deserves sainthood, especially when the anxiety and the menopause combine in a hormone-spiked panic attacky day full of fun, tears and triple brownie ice cream.

  208. There must be a national holiday dedicated to Blogessianism (did I spell that right?), and it must include – as someone stated above – metal chickens decorated on the front lawn (or window, for those living in homeowner’s association ruled communities) and a PARADE. We must have a parade. Who doesn’t love a parade? We shall dress as – and carry – taxidermy and/or wear red dresses. Hats optional. It will be better than the Macy’s day parade.

  209. I’ve always kinda wanted a nickname, and now I like ‘Spatula’ and ‘Who-Let-the-Dogs-Out’. Would you be mad?

  210. We need Patron Saints. I nominate Juanita, Copernicus, James Garfield & the whole pantheon of bad taxidermy that you have elevated to superstardom. Now you can add candles with them to your shop for us to buy and burn on our special holidays. It’s a total win/win. Just call me if you need anymore awesome marketing ideas! XOXO

  215. Next Commandment – fire ants are hereby deemed dangerous to life on Earth and illegal henceforth. Also, they will be killed with fire (poetic justice, imo).

  216. Thou shall pray in thy bathroom, a cat on your head is preferred but not required.

  217. Awe Jenny – You have finally made it! Or, as my dog would say, “Where are the snacks and why aren’t you sitting on the sofa with me?” Because he is a bit self centered. Which is why I love him.

  219. These are all fantastic, you guys. Keep ’em coming. We need to fill at least one scroll with rules before we’re taken seriously by the other religions.

  226. I already changed my religion on facebook from nothing to this!!!!!! I believe sarcasm should rate highly on commandments

  228. Thou shalt not judge others on the amount of chocolate they consume lest ye be judged. Also, can we have, like, a swing holy day? I’m still in my jammies and I could use it right now.

  229. So, where do I send the copy of the I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To card if I happened to have had time yesterday, and might have made? I have tried to attach it to the comment, but it wont let me… (*I did try and twitted/tweet it to you, but twitter hates me)

  231. I’m a simple gal. 1) Pants are always optional 2) EAT MORE PIE 3) Do-whatever-the-hell-you-want-I-don’t-care-as-long-as-you-don’t-hurt-anyone-or-vote-republican

  233. Mosquitoes are illegal? Free Mosquito Magnets all around!

    @Naomi #177 We had a beta who we trained to eat mosquitoes. At first we’d drop the flattened corpses in the tank for him, then we’d hold it at water level, and eventually he’d actually jump out of the water to snatch it out of our hands. After the beta, we tried this with a lake fish my 2yo netted — and eventually he caught a house fly all on his own. So if you have a real fish tank, consider getting a lake perch or rock bass. Because they eat illegal insects.
    Although there’s a drawback to the jumping fish…they eventually kill themselves jumping out of the tank. So sad. 🙁

  234. At any moment, a Bloggessian may impose the Personal Mandatory Silence (PMS) rule of the Mental Health Preservation Code (MHPC, nothing funny about that acronym I guess), by simply quieting douchecanoes, ignoramuses (ignorami?), and any other equally-offensive humans with the words: “Say no more let’s not get violent / Beyonce bids you now be silent!” and whoosing an invisible cape over the offending party’s head. The offender is not allowed to speak without first the Bloggessian reciting the Semi-Forgiveness Chant: “I don’t like you, I ain’t no Cupid / Say it fast and don’t be stupid.”

  236. I would leave the Seventh Day Adventist Hoppists for Bloggessianism.
    Perhaps instead of “Thou shalt not…” we could say “Thou shalt probably consider it a bad idea to…”. It’s a little less pushy, and we could suffix these commandments with “… but whatever, your choice”. Not sure if there should be an “eth” at the end of “choice” though.

  237. Thou shalt not take the name of the Bloggessin vain….Unless is for hilarious jackassery. Thou shalt anoint all followers in chocolates and bubble bath/ wine on non-fancy vagina days.

  238. Thou shall not be a dick.
    Pants are banned. Except Joey Pants because hello, ambassador of awesomeness and mental illness.
    Psych meds are dispensed for free at Walmart, which is now a communist entity, owned and operated by it’s former employees and anyone featured on People of Walmart.
    Coffee is a right.
    Cadbury mini eggs are available year round.
    I’m hungry.
    Extra gravy is a suggestion, not a requirement.
    Shatner.

  239. If given handmade baby clothes for your baby, thou shalt make sure to take a picture of the baby in the clothes and send it to the person who made them.

  243. I’m pretty sure that any date on which a Doctor Who Special airs automatically becomes a High Holy Day.

    Commandments for consideration, off the top of my head:
    — We brake for taxidermy. Also chocolate. And phantom Sasquatches.
    — Don’t even ask what we do for chocolate taxidermied Sasquatches.
    — Thou Shalt Not Shalt Others. UNDER PENALTY OF UNICORN STABBINGS.

    Ooh I kind of like that one can we have a vengeful unicorn deity running around? I always wanted one of those.

  244. clio44 at #234 needs to be allowed to write a chapter or book of our sacred texts.

  245. Always be able to get hugs from others. Also kittens for when sadness needs to be treated. And free books.

  246. I totally second including: Thou shalt not use the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll

  247. Thank you Bloggess;
    Thou art as special and irreplaceable as the people you love most. Thy differentness makes you unique.

  248. OK then I read your new post so how about one commandment? It’s a really easy one

    The Church of Bloggessianism shall NEVER be organized.

  249. Wine shall be an acceptable beverage at all hours of the day. Because. wine. duh.

  253. I volunteer to design your religious pamphlets. I have a LOT of fonts at my disposal.

  254. Thou Shalt Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse, so that Bloggessianism can take over the world when it happens.

    No observances during the Zombie Apocalypse…

    Speaking of which, I’m doing a post tomorrow, I think, of zombie apocalypse links for the ultimate guide, like living wills and stuff. You will be featured in there somewhere. More than once. Because you are the Zombie Ass Kicking Guru.

  255. No additional commandments/recommendations from this gal. BUT if we need somewhere to congregate… I totally recommend Murphy’s Steakhouse in my hometown – their tag line is “gravy over all”, it’s as if they knew one day everyone would come to their senses and gravy is not a condiment, but a way of life.

  257. Thou shalt not make noise while I am sleeping in on the weekends.
    and I’m with Michelle G.:Thou shalt prepare for the zombie apocalypse.
    Thou shalt listen when I say I am feeling stabby, and leave me the fuck alone.
    Thou shalt control thine offspring in public. Just because you do not find their running in the supermarket or shrieking in the laundromat annoying does not mean I do.

  258. How can we NOT have “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, LOIS. THIS IS CAMP. GET TOUGH OR DIE”??!

  260. I’m so very much in love with so many of these commandments that I’m seriously considering using your new religion as my own. My personal religious beliefs are what I tend to summarize as “eclectic pagan” if pressed, but I tend to prefer to keep the specifics to myself for a variety of reasons. Given that Bloggessianism is inclusive of other religions and belief systems, it totally would include my personal beliefs AND will have the added benefit of making people scratch their heads in confused wonder. This is a total win-win for me. Plus, so many of the tenets that have come up are informal parts of my personal belief system already, so now they are legit, whereas before they were just “eccentricities of a crazy lady”. I’m definitely coming out ahead here.

    I would like to amend the cupcake Monday tenet, though. Instead of stopping at “unless you’re celiac”, I propose that it reads: “unless you have food allergies or other special dietary restrictions, at which point the cupcake will be tailored to your specific food consumption needs so that you may also partake in the awesomeness that is Cupcake Monday.” Because 1) gluten free cupcakes can be pretty amazing, & 2) being excluded from dessert because of health reasons sucks ass.

    I also like all of the anxiety focused tenets, as Beyonce knows, the anxiety monsters have been hitting me hardcore the last year, & I need all the help I can get in that area, especially since I just realized that I’ve been exacerbating my own anxiety issues because subconsciously, I’ve been angry at myself for not “being better yet” despite telling several other people that anxiety and depression are a process & there is no magic button or point in time where you can say “poof, all better”. Apparently that’s okay for everyone else but not me…because having absurd expectations of one’s self are always helpful, right? headdesk sigh

    Anyway, moving on…

    One of my personal favorite tenets is the pajama one because it is getting colder & fleece pajama pants should absolutely be acceptable winter attire, especially if you are prone to being cold all the time & have joint, muscle, & nerve issues like I have. This seems perfectly reasonable to me & yet so many people are judgey-judgey about it. Hmph. Fleece pants are amazing. Just sayin’.

    So, yes, I do believe I shall become a member of the congregation of Bloggessianism & proclaim it proudly to everyone. 🙂

    P.S. Can “random babbling is absolutely an acceptable thing, as is simply being verbose because you are” be a tenet? That would be helpful.

  261. Always ask for a Virgo with a clipboard.

    The go-to phrase for asking anybody to help you by holding anything shall invariably be “hold my poodle.”

  262. Can we all dress in red one day a year and hug anyone who asks about it? I feel like that is appropriately supportive and invasively random.

  263. “Wearing slippers and pajamas in public is a sign of your faith and you’re allowed to kick judgey people in the knee if they question you. Togas are also acceptable if you are feeling particularly religious or if you’ve run out of clean clothes altogether.”

    FWIW, I wear slippers and almost pajamas (sweats/yoga pants) in public every time I hit the liquor store for a fresh box and I NEVER GET JUDGED. Those guys? AWESOME.

  264. I feel that a mandatory day of cocooning in a blanket fort with a good book and a cat (or lap dog) should be in there somewhere…

  265. Love it, love it, love it! Thank you for kick-starting my day with giggles & coffee.

  267. If we’re voting, I vote for “don’t be an asshole” instead of “don’t be a dick” — because really, we ALL have assholes. We just don’t have to BE them.

  271. I thought it was odd that you were labeled as a ‘mom-blogger’.. Personally i haven’t found any cookie recipes or dyi casseroles… Ok wait.. that sounds harsh on mom-bloggers.. not intended… but still.. i don’t think you have a category unless there is one called life-blogger. Don’t put Jenny in a corner !!

  273. It’s not organised religion if you can’t even organise a coffee morning. Also now, if anyone acts all ‘holier than thou’ on me and is actually religious, I don’t have to acknowledge that this is actually true.

    I vote for: people who hide books in libraries because they forgot their card then never come back for the book meaning library assistants have to look in all of the hiding places to find now dirty books will be fed to Nessie.

    Also I want there to be decorations for all of our holidays, especially INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!

  276. @ToriDeaux ‘s vengeful unicorn deity. That should be a thing. Can it be a thing?

  279. Don’t have any new ideas at the moment, but really looking forward to the official scroll! Also, changed my facebook religion from “who the hell knows” to Bloggessanism” not sure that is the correct title, but you get the point! Love it beyond words!

  280. Going to Italy in the spring for a couple of months. That sounds very classy. But it’s only cause Hurricane Ike literally blew my house off the map fighting with insurance companies led to a lawsuit which did not yield enough to rebuilt on the bay, but now I have a cool travel fund. Anyway, while in Italy, I will see what kind of vestments I can come up with for you. There is a store–for real y’all!– right around the corner that sells clergy clothes. I’ll keep you posted, send photos, swatches, etc. So excited for you!

  281. Calories shall not count for any food that is shared

    Nothing shall be left behind on toilet seats and they shall be always be returned to their down position

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading