You can call me “Spatula” for short.

Did you read my post about Victor always being wrong even though he’s mostly right, and the internet’s enthusiasm in enabling me in what’s probably a very unhealthy but also fantastic way?  If so, then you’ll realize why this is so awesome.

According to wikipedia, this is all accurate and the changes were listed under the category of “Truthfulness“.  (Click on the picture to super-size.)

wikipedia bloggess oct 2014

A few highlights:

  • My name is now: Jennifer Juanita Spatula Jezebel Who-Let-The-Dogs-Out Lawson
  • Under the category of “children” it lists two: “1 daughter, 1 husband”.
  • My religion is “Bloggessianism” and I was born in “Time” and “Space”
  • New facts:  1)  “In arguments and discussions with her husband, Victor, she is right and he is wrong.”  2)  “She also owns a chicken.”

Several people have said they misread my spouse as “Victim” rather than “Victor” and frankly that seems fair because Victor is a tremendous good sport considering the ridiculousness I involuntarily drag him into.  In fact, he told me he agreed completely with all of the “Victor is wrong” websites, but I’m pretty sure he just did that because if Victor is right about always being wrong then that must be wrong which means that Victor is right and wrong at the same time and I’m pretty sure that creates some sort of paradox and now we’ll be sucked into a wormhole.  

And that just seems wrong.  

Full circle, you guys.

PS.  I sort of like that “Bloggessianism” is listed as a religion because now when people try to give me pamphlets about their religion I can just give them back my own pamphlets.  My only problem is that I don’t really know anything about Bloggessianism so it’s going to be a very small pamphlet unless we come up with shit to go in there.  I’m just spitballing here so feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.

Some basic tenets of the Church of Bloggessianism:

  • Don’t be an asshole.
  • Extra gravy for everyone.
  • Two holy days of observance each month requiring Bloggessians to take the day off and watch bad tv or read in bed.  We also get all the regular holidays off for every other religion because we’re incredibly open-minded and like to support other beliefs as well.  This includes Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day, National Donut Day, Deviled Egg Appreciation Day, etc.  (FYI…today is National Chocolate Day so if you’re at work you need to leave right now and go make some s’mores for religious reasons.)
  • If you see a sloth you are given special dispensation to hug it.  Present your official card to any zoo officials.
  • Someone needs to make an official I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To card.
  • Mosquitos are now illegal.
  • Wearing slippers and pajamas in public is a sign of your faith and you’re allowed to kick judgey people in the knee if they question you.  Togas are also acceptable if you are feeling particularly religious or if you’ve run out of clean clothes altogether.


281 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Sign me up. Although I guess I need my own Wiki page to promote your new religion!!

    Ann St. Vincent recently posted Lots of Truth and Lies here today! | Answers & Winner!!.

  2. I don’t practice religion but this is too much to resist. When faced with life problems, Bloggessianists are all about the hug.

    Burns the Fire recently posted Love & Squalor in the Middle East, 2.

  3. Sign me up as a disciple of the Church of Bloggessianism. I may have to go door to door.

    Cassandra recently posted Project Underblog: The Cat Has Left the Cradle.

  4. Husbands are always wrong.
    Wives are always left.

  5. This is so beautiful. It brings a tear to my eye. So much perfectness.

  6. Thank you. Now I know what everyone on my Christmas list is getting. I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To cards are going to be the next Tickle Me Elmo, I just know it.

    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted Spiders ate my whore pills..

  7. You had me at “extra gravy”…where do I sign?

    Ruebi recently posted Cinema Etiquette.

  8. This is so beautiful. Brings a tear to my eye. Such perfectness.

  9. How about “The ability to spend your entire work day hiding in a closet and reading blog posts on your work laptop”?

    Jaime recently posted Motherhood and More: It's been a long time since my time was me time*.

  10. Bow to the trinity- Twine, Taxidermy, and Tin Chickens.

    • Bacon at every meal. Chocolate dipped bacon for special high holidays.
  11. Can I safely assume that Beyonce is the symbol of our great religion? or is it a double unicorn? I’m confused now.

    (Maybe Beyonce riding a double unicorn? Although Beyonce already has “Small God” status: ~ Jenny)

  12. 13

    Thou shalt not glue dead birds to motel art however thou shalt dress dead mice in interesting costumes and give them interesting poses.

  13. @Cassandra I think we all know the officially church-approved method of knocking on doors while proselytizing.

  14. New Commandment: Bloggessianists do not have to parallel-park. Add that and I will join.

    notquiteold recently posted Sweating The Small Stuff.

  15. 16
    See Laurie Write

    Off the top of my head, I would be a Deacon in a church that had the following commandments carved into their cinder-block walls:

    Thou shalt not drink shitty coffee.
    Thou shalt not wear leggings as pants.
    Thou shalt use birth control of your choosing and keep your noses out of other people’s panties.
    Thou shalt wear sunscreen

    That’s it, enough thinking for today.

  16. Chocolate is a holy food and must be appreciated while lying in bed

  17. 18
    melissa wine

    Shouldn’t we all also automatically be part of the Unicorn Success Club too? And we all get our own pony.

    (I didn’t even add it because it goes without saying, but yeah. That’ll have to go in the pamphlet too. Please specify if you want gravy on your pony. ~ Jenny)

  18. I AM IN. Where’s my goddamn gravy?

    Michelle recently posted Bitching With The Sisterwives.

  19. am I allowed to decline on the gravy? Like give my gravy as a charitable contribution to those less gravied?

  20. Taxidermy is a form of religious art and iconography.

  21. When I perform marriages, can I say “In the name of the Bloggess”? If so, I’m all in with this religion.

    (Totally. Or “In the name of Beyonce.” That kind of sings. ~ Jenny)

  22. Christmas is a mandatory onesie day

  23. I’m in too. Changed my facebook profile. Pass the gravy please.

  24. Commandments:
    – No one leaves the house until all cookies are eaten.
    – All orphaned pygmy hippos will be adopted, so we can “Hug them and kiss them and call them George.”
    – On the sabbath, excerpts shall be read from “The Phantom Tollbooth.”

  25. “We honor the spirit of creatures who have passed via taxidermy and costumes”

  26. Can we have wine slushies and chocolate like communion? That is my kind of communion.

  27. Instead of the Golden Rule, I think we should follow Wheaton’s Law.

  28. Whosoever believeth in me shall be confused all the days of their lives.

  29. I LOVE the footnote referencing your blogpost “Is Victor Wrong?”

    Footnotes <3

  30. We are automatically pardoned of any crimes we may or may not commit when we feel stabby….

  31. Services will not require actually getting together except to eat because who doesn’t like informal dinner guests?

  32. Bloggessianists ALWAYS knock, knock, motherfucker.

    Brian recently posted Like the pathetic match that it is..

  33. Throw in chocolate chip muffins and I will gladly subscribe to your newsletter.

  34. “Embrace the Randomness – it’s really a blog post in disguise.”

  35. @Brian – that is awesome.

  36. Blogessians must be taxidermied upon death and kept in the family home. Keeping them fashionably dressed at all times is a must or you will be haunted by them.

  37. Those who would like to forego their extra gravy out of the goodness of their hearts deserve an extra dark chocolate brownie for dessert. (Seriously, try the Ghiradelli dark chocolate brownie mix–you’ll never go back!)
    The only weapons we believe in are books (as per the prophet Doctor) and we believe in heavily arming everyone.

  38. Though shalt not talk to people who are less than 10 pages from the end of the book they are currently reading (it can wait, people).

  39. Thou shalt buy a 5ft metal chicken and display it in your yard as proof of your fidelity to the Bloggess. Thou shalt also decorate the holy symbol for all holidays.

  40. I like the way you run a religion, lady!

  41. Chile gravy will do nicely, preferably with ground venison incorporated…with cheese enchiladas because any religion must have righteousness in the form of cheese enchiladas and chile gravy.

    Why does chocolate day come so close to Halloween? It should come afterwards so you can celebrate your indulgence at half-price, though the selection is better on Feb. 15.

  42. I’m in, especially since I’m very open-minded about religions other than Bloggessianism. Pass on hugging sloths, though. They look cute, but I understand that those claws can do a surprising amount of damage, and I understand that their coats get quite mildewy. Now, I’m not one for excessive personal hygiene, and did in fact drive my son to school in my sleep tee this morning — albeit worn under a yoga jacket and pants, for I do not want to show my undies or braless boobs to his classmates (he’d die, as he’s a high school freshman); I have covered up in a robe in the past, but this morning grabbed the “let’s pretend that I work-out” garb — but mildew and mold belongs in the bathroom, not on a huggable animal’s coat. Just one woman’s opinion. I suppose in theology everything is up for debate.

  43. And we must have mandatory cupcake Mondays, where no matter what everyone gets a cupcake! Unless you’re celiac.

  44. Firstly, speaking as someone who routinely leaves the house in her pjs, I truly appreciate that commandment. Secondly, I wholeheartedly approve of sloth hugging. Here’s a commandment for you:

    All taxidermied animals wearing clothes are to be seen as signs from God of the existence of humor

  45. Thou shalt buy all fake hair ONLY from airport kiosks.

  46. 47

    What about hats? When do we know to wear our crazy hats? Or is that a year round thing?

  47. My daughter’s name is Jezabelle, and I think it’s awesome that you guys now have that in common. 😉

  48. @Brian – YOU WIN THE INTERNET.

  49. I mean, I can’t. Even. Everything about this is so so right.

    Gravy is exactly what Christianity has been missing all of these years.

  50. 51
    Princess in my head

    Some creative person get on our cards and they need to be sold in the store. So get on that now. It should include a picture of Beyoncé. I am ready to place my order.

    Also we need pamphlets to pass out-get on that.

    New commandment: when your Dr injects your body with steroids in your joints and it makes you feel stabby, one killin is totally allowed. Basically as long as you give a warning-verbal or visual- you may carry out the stabby feelings without reprocussion. Especially if you a wine slushy in your hand.

    I will be honored to be a deacon in this church.

  51. Honor thy internet and spread the name of Bloggessianism; in all ways acknowledge the Beyonce and keep it holy; keep the Victor in thy prayers and do not succumb to the wrongness; forever and ever or until the gravy runs out.

  52. Taxes levied on those who don’t laugh at our jokes, or who don’t like to read. Money used to fund another space program for geckos. I think that needs a second chance. All members worship geckos? Or just the celebrity-astronaut ones? I’m not dogmatic about this.

  53. New commandment: everyone should be owned by at least one rescued cat.

  54. Has it already been changed back? Boo-urns.

  55. Thou shalt regift, and shalt not judge those who regift.

  56. *Must own at least one unicorn…if said unicorn is too difficult to obtain, making a headband with a unicorn’s horn on it and putting it on your pet will suffice.

    Joanna recently posted The Dynamic Duo....

  57. Hey… where are your Super Doctor credentials on your Wikipedia page?? Those editors are slacking! So does Victor get to join Bloggessianism?

    kdcol recently posted Coins only, no puppies.

  58. Bloggessians shall always carry an emergency red dress with them to hand out to people in distress.

  59. No sins count while holding twine.
    Absolution for all sins involves collating papers.

  60. Wait. Shouldn’t the metal chickens be the ones going door to door to share information about your religion? Ding dong motherf*cker!

  61. Can we also kick people who instruct us to “smile” and “cheer up” when we are not sad?

  62. You know how I know it’s time for me to go to bed? I totally thought you graduated from “Anglo State University”.

    Despite my sleepy haze, I’m totally joining this Church. Please tell me that Taco Tuesday is an acceptable sin, tho. I totally can’t give that up. I’m just not strong enough…

  63. Something about Wil Wheaton and his corlligating paper (spelling is hard)

  64. Finally, a religion I can get behind! #1- Best. Tenet. Ever. (Although if there were tenants and we could charge them rent we might not need to pass the plate to collect funds to buy amazing chickens and stuffed bobcats.) I feel like there needs to be an altar, and maybe a goddess symbol, like Heady Lamar maybe?

    fillyourownglass recently posted Five Things You Need to Stop Saying.

  65. Commandment: If someone you love is down and depressed, you have to slink up behind them, wrap yourself around them and tell them you’ve just wrapped them in a love burrito OR love sweater and they may button you up to their top or make you a supreme with extra cheese depending on their preferences.

  66. When speaking with a potential Blogessian convert a Blogessian’s selling point should be, “Don’t you want a little taste of the glory? Just to see what it tastes like?” in a Nacho Libre accent.

  67. Must love cats… ok that might be a stretch for some people… so here’s a more broad option: must like animals; including, but not limited to: housecats, taxidermied bobcats, giant metal chickens; must NOT like giant squids!

    Must giggle every time you go to knock on someone’s door while whispering “Knock knock, motherf…” under your breath.

  68. In keeping with extra gravy, we believe there can never be too much stuffing, or dressing, depending upon which part of the country you come from.

  69. Also, it should be pointed out, that as of this post, Wikipedia thinks your husband’s name is Victim. It amused me, but ya miiiiiiight wanna change it. Or not. Maybe Victor edited that part of the page.

  70. I own Lars, the metallica cockerel, does that mean I get to be a deacon?

  71. Looks like Wikipedia changed your Spouse to “Victim” It’s official!

  72. I have nothing witty to add here because holy hell it’s a high pain day and it’s all I can do to keep the children alive. But, it’s almost naptime so I’m going to throw a “praise be to Bloggess” on the end of that. For good measure.

  73. A couple of years ago we discovered the existence of an ancient Lawsbian mythology. I shall check with my fellow holders of the ancient files to see if it allowable to make public our secret findings. “All hail Jennycus!”

  74. Thou shall not take the colonels chicken. Thou shall buy thine own chicken.

  75. Communion of Twinkies and wine!!

  76. Leaders shall wear bathrobes or curlers in their hair. If hair is too short/non-existent for curlers, then a shower cap will suffice.

    PS. I am a waitress and would greatly appreciate some of these religious pamphlets being printed soon, so that I can give them out to people who decide to leave me THEIR religious pamphlets in lieu of a tip. =/

  77. Is there a commandment about unusual taxidermy animals? I feel like there should be a Pegasus in every house. Maybe just a small one…

    CrissyMoss recently posted Around the Web.

  78. Though shall not let yourself be without internet access for more than (a day?).
    It should allow you to do anything you can to have internet access anywhere because your religion tells you to.

  79. You know how at the hospital or doctor’s office they will ask you for your religion? (I guess in case you die on premises and they know what to do with you.) Anyway, I can’t wait to list this as my religion. Please don’t make parallel parking a requirement for all believers. Not that you would. I’m just really, really bad at it.

    Gina W. recently posted Twitter is kind of being a d*ck to me.

  80. I don’t know how to imbed an image in the comments, but here’s a link to one where I highlighted that wikipedia most definitely list “Victim” as your spouse.

  81. Sonic screwdrivers – we need sonic screwdrivers somewhere. Also – wearing red dresses is not only allowed but encouraged on any and all Bloggessian holidays. This tenant is gender neutral, btw. Sparkly red shoes also encouraged. Weddings in the Bloggessian tradition should include the exchange of twine and collation of paper.

  82. oh look, it did it for me….lol

  83. Why does the gravy has to be extra? Can’t we just mandate that everyone should always make gravy by the gallon? 🙂

    Aria Bauer recently posted Thanks For: Backseat Driving Little Brothers.

  84. Inserted Commandment:

    Above all things, we strive to be furiously happy. If that doesn’t work, wine slushees usually will.

  85. Thou shalt station a giant metal chicken outside thy office window (and why can’t I attach a photo to this post so you can see mine)?

  86. Hey, if it is on the internet, then it is true. Sorry Victor.

    The Dose of Reality recently posted The Year My Parents Tried To Ruin Halloween.

  87. The First Prophet shall be declared St. Wil of Wheaton. His words shall also be sacred-unless they contradict The Bloggess, at which point he is just Anne’s husband and joins us in being wrong.

  88. Please put in the pamphlet the recognized miracle of mushroom boobs, and Lawsbians as the devout followers of Bloggessianiasm, and the we prefer to wear the Red Dress and/or wolf skin, and can we throw in there somewhere that cats are held in high esteem?
    OMG – we really all need supervision…

  89. Can we include a commandment about wine as a sacrament? Also, I need some clarification on the first commandment. How are we defining asshole? I think sometimes I’m an asshole in a good way.

    But then again, maybe I think that because I’m an asshole. So confused.

    notesfromthebathroomfloor recently posted 50 Ways to Give the Finger: #9 – The Casual Drive-By Finger.

  90. There is a town up for auction in Connecticut (starting bid $800K). If we all pool our money together, we can buy it and start the town devoted to the Church of Bloggessianism. If you promise we can have Taco Tuesday, then I promise I will be a faithful follower.

    Melissa recently posted Melissa Updates.

  91. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I wore shark slippers to my midwife visits.. I think I also wore them the day she was born. They additionally come out on holidays.. we were always members of your religion.. lol.

    itzybellababy recently posted #BringBackOurGirls- Not yet..

  92. Let there be cake.

  93. You’ve got most of it covered.

    But I’d like to add the following:

    1. Followers of the Blogessian faith understand that “time is a wibbly wobbly concept” and therefore deadlines are portals that must be avoided unless we’re okay with being trapped in a rift.
    2. Blogessians are also allowed to say no to social dos without guilt (especially at the last minute) for reasons related to their heads getting in the way…

    Miss Gee recently posted I'm Going To Be An Author of A Book That's Called Oh Fuck Everything Sounds Dirty, Life Is Sorted..

  94. *tenets

  95. Celebrate the awkwarding. Never let anyone be awkward all alone. Also embrace your weird. I think these probably go together.

  96. Naps shall be mandatory.

  97. 98
    Dee Torcherer Elgie

    You must visit all metal chickens throughout the known universe. There are more than you think…check out ‘The Dorking Cockerel’ here…….0…1ac.1.56.img..1.12.756.5ZrdJHXz_wA
    There is also currently a giant blue chicken in Trafalgar Square, London, UK.

  98. This is fantastic! Now that you’re a religion you can file as a non profit and stop paying taxes!

  99. I have nothing to add, I agree with all of the above…sign me up!

  100. Finally, a religion I can support. Does that make your books holy texts now? Move over bible, I’ve got to make room on my shelf.

    The Hungry Dog's Lair (Martin Conterez) recently posted Hers.

  101. Cassandra | October 28, 2014 at 9:18 am
    Sign me up as a disciple of the Church of Bloggessianism. I may have to go door to door.

    I totally read “Sign me up as a despicable of the Church of Bloggessianism” hahahaha!!!

  102. I want to say something like “Be excellent to each other”, but I think “Don’t be an asshole” kind of has that covered. Also Bill and Ted said it first, so it’s probably patented or trademarked or something. Will have to research the separation of Bloggessianism and state institutions like trademarks and patents, or alternatively the legality regarding the use of movie quotes as commandments. Is there a paralegal in the house?

    So, apart from that, “Thou shalt remove the plastic ring from thine cupcake, and wear it proudly. With or without removing the frosting from it first. Of course.”

  103. I just went to see the wiki page and now Victor is Victim. Howling!

  104. Feeling Stabby is always okay.
    Who doesn’t need towels.

  105. Meat Sprinkles for everyone!

    Foxy Wine Pocket recently posted 8 Reasons Pit Bulls Are Better Than Most People.

  106. 1 daughter, 1 husband. I love it. I think I’m going to start practicing your religion. Sounds perfect to me!! Love your blog lady! Thanks for the smiles and laughs!

  107. As long as this remains an unorganized ‘organized’ religion, I’m all for it. It’s when religions go and get all organized that the shit hits the fan. Although so far the Pastafarians have remained non-hostile. Can we add you must own a taxidermied animal in some shape or form? That could be another commandment. 😉

    Angela recently posted From The Mouth of Babes…..

  108. No icey cold weather allowed. But sometimes snow.

  109. As long as the gravy doesn’t go on my mashed potatoes, we’re OK. (Mashed potatoes should be enhanced by a melted butter lake in the middle and some salt. And nothing else.)

  110. Will you be able to wear a mitre? That would be awesome.

  111. One of our major tenets should be David Tenant. Major David Tenant? Can I be named Keeper of the Tenant?

  112. I love it! I think there should be a rule about calories not counting on holidays, either.

  113. –Spiders must ask permission before entering a home.
    –Notification of something being poisoned in the refrigerator is always required.
    –We don’t take communion, we leave post-its.

  114. Bread shall always be warm from the oven.

  115. Can I be a High Priestess of Bloggessianism? Being that I know the programming magiks and all, I think it’s only fair.

    Lynette recently posted Stop Trying to Shatter My Happiness!.

  116. Pants are always optional. Always.

  117. Spouse has now been changed to say ‘victim’.

  118. I’m probably going to hell for reading this because it is National Chocolate Day and instead of observing, I am reading your blog. I’m going to go rectify that right now. Also, blogessiwhatchamacallits get to be right. Like you are. Sorry, Victor.

    candidkay recently posted Learning to love my fellow man: an experiment at the amusement park.

  119. Am I to assume that any formal meetings of this religion will be held in the bathroom?

  120. I’m in. Because the best comeback to anything is ‘knock, knock, mother*$^@er’

  121. Because you can believe everything you read on the internet. LOL. That’s pretty funny.

    Cary Vaughn recently posted Trick-or-Tramp.

  122. All recipes are to be made with way too much cheese. And garlic.

    Janet Coburn recently posted How I Became an Amazon Martian. Martian Amazon. Whatev..

  123. I am your newest convert. LOL

  124. Is it just Spatula or Grande Dame High Spatula or The Great and Powerful Spatula? In Bloggessian is only your husband wrong? Because frankly my husband is wrong as well, it may be husbands are generally incorrect or just plain wrong in Bloggessian. Your thoughts Dear Divine Spatula?

  125. Bloggessianism is now an official selection on the facebook “Religious Views” pull-down menu. Our souls are safe.

  126. In the name of the Bloggess, Beyoncé, and the Holy Twitter. Amen.
    Also are we incorporating wine into this somehow? Every religion needs wine.

    Alanna recently posted You Can’t Put A Price On Friendship, But Patriotism Is Expensive..

  127. A table serves as altar, and all sacraments take place under it.
    Including distribution of the Judy Garland Trail Mix.
    Blogessians don’t have saints, they have Tricksters, and the Holy Trinity are Neil, Wil, and Ray.

  128. The biggest commandment: Depression lies.

    Also, I think there should be saints of Bloggessianism and there are already a few: St. Wil of Collating. St. Jeri Ryan of Spatula. (And there. We are officially full circle.)

  129. Ha! GMTA and yet completely opposite, nbla1234 of comment 127!

  130. Sounds legit, where do I sign up?

  131. I don’t see alcohol in any of the commandments. We aren’t one of those teetotaler religions are we? Also, wikipedia is never wrong!! recently posted Holiday Masochist.

  132. I was having trouble deciding on a religion since I couldnt find one that would embrace my base urge to constantly tell people “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.”

    I propose a baptism rite that involves some kind of beverage with a little umbrella in it, stretch marks and/or cellulite are to be recognized as proof of general awesomeness, high heels are declared “evil” unless followers truly enjoy wearing them (in which case they are tax deductible) and the higher ranked religious leaders (or anyone, really) have the ability to mildly tazer people deemed ignorant of our beliefs using the “smite” application on their smartphones. (Note: find someone who can make it so I’m not lying when I say, “Smite-ing? Yeah, there’s an app for that.”)

    And also…. can I have Healer Girlfriend’s gravy?

  133. 134

    Take care of each other.
    And everything comes with a side of pancakes.

  134. Well another religion bites the dust for me. Apparently I would break the 1st commandment right away since my friends tell me all the time that I’m an asshole. Other then that this sounds like a cooler religion then all the others especially the Catholics. Who can stand all that up and down for like hours! Crap on a cracker!

  135. I propose a minor revision to #2…extra bacon and gravy for everyone

  136. ‘Some basic tenants’

    I think you mean ‘tenets’. 🙂 Unless you are renting rooms in your religion, which I realise is a possiblilty.

  137. I’m so in! Two adds to the manifesto please?
    1. Day drinking is not only approved but encouraged
    2. Any actions taken while either day drinking or mixing medications can be forgiven by the Patron Saint of Chemical Substances, Nancy W. Kappes.

  138. Wikipedia can be the gospel. Thanks be to wiki.
    Gravy as holy water. Genius!

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted Boobs, Bra Sizing and the Conspiracy of the Bra Industry.

  139. To the tenet “Mosquitoes are now illegal” should be added: “Also house flies.”

    Because they should be.

    Jonathan Aul recently posted Ensemble of Found Metal All metals were found at a recycling....

  140. Don’t speak Pennsylvania Dutch in the operating room.

  141. In lieu of a unicorn residing near a believer, one may put a hair scrunchie (found underneath the sofa) around one’s cat’s neck and proclaim her as Queen Elizabeth. The balance of the day will be spent as her lady in waiting, curled up next to her in bed while she naps.

  142. I’m pretty sure there needs to be something about margaritas in there. Or at least some form of frozen, slushy alcohol.

  143. 144
    Maggi Oswald

    Thou shalt glitter=bomb any asshole thou encounters.

  144. It is always the right time to drink alcoholic beverages. If you want to. But, you don’t HAVE to if you’re concerned that someone might think you have a problem, or something.

  145. I will happily convert. I agree with Nona about margaritas though.

    Mackenzie recently posted broken bikes & black eyes.

  146. Yep. I’m on board. YOu had me at two days off a month, but then really sealed the deal with the sloth hugging and ban of mosquitoes. Done.

  147. Thou shalt NOT make Commandments!

  148. I’m willing to convert but I can’t pronounce it. I’m sitting here in my living room sounding it out. I’m a highly skilled reader and sounder-outer. Why is this happening?

  149. National chocolate-eating day?? I’m there.

    Laurie recently posted 3 Ways to Tell if You're a Nerd....

  150. Booo! Not only has Wikipedia been put back to the merely boringly factual, your entry has been locked down so that only established registered members can edit it. Reason given; regular vandalism due to article visibility. Boooooring, Wikipedia.

  151. I must insist that my religious tenets include eating Chinese food out of paper cartons with chopsticks while clothed in pajamas.

  152. So relieved to hear about the pajamas in public part…I just walked to the bus stop wearing mine. That may sound lazy, but I did make chocolate cupcakes today. I always celebrate holidays.

    Danielle recently posted Playing Catch Up.

  153. Religious communions are conducted in the bathroom of large social events.

    Puppies and kitties are our religious leaders thus requiring us to cuddle and play with them as much as possible.

    Laurie recently posted Craziness and Four Random Things.

  154. Collating string is a must, along with Beyoncé’s birthday just leave off the gravy, you can have my share!

  155. To combat Wikipedia’s ignoring of our Constitutional rights, someone should make a website about Bloggessianism. I think if enough of us sign up, they have to declare it an official religion, right?

    Alanna recently posted You Can’t Put A Price On Friendship, But Patriotism Is Expensive..

  156. Love the illegal mosquitoes idea.

    Put me down for an mandatory pass for ‘SKIP HOUSEWORK DAY’, for ANY day when we’re busy composing blog posts and can’t possibly be expected to do more than sip hot drinks in our PJs at the computer while reading other blogs and giggling.

    Example: “Nope- I didn’t do the laundry, the dishes, or get dressed today because, um, time just got away from me. Also, I don’t know what’s for dinner. Here’s my pass.”

    All chores that get skipped are automatically deleted from existence and do not get rolled over to the next day, either. In the name of Beyonce. ;0)

    stef recently posted More Stuff Overheard Around Here Lately.

  157. I cannot BELIEVE you forgot National Punctuation Day. To us Supreme Arbiters of All Things Grammatical, Orthographic, and Punctuational [who also get to make up words], that is the highest of high holy days.

  158. did you know that the actual bible was translated to LOLCat?
    It’s one of the silliest things I’ve seen.

    There might be some shit to steal from there.

  159. 160

    What do you mean? Kick them in the knee? Why not the groin?

  160. Oh geez. I’m not sure the internet can take another bizarre religion!

  161. Wives are always right; husbands, wrong.

  162. Congratulations on your new religion! Wearing slippers and pyjamas – or a toga – is much better than wearing a colander on your head like the Pastafarians!

  163. Can we add layer cake day to the observed holidays please?

  164. The allowance to avoid douchebags, and those practicing douchebaggery, at all costs, insofar as to exclude them from the Aura of Amazingness that all Bloggessians possess by their very nature.

  165. The official religious sacrament offerings are petit fours a.k.a. tiny cakes made for squirrels.

  166. Ice cream. I find it sacrilegious that no one has mentioned the tenet: “Thou shalt consume sinful quantities of ice cream. Whenever. Wherever.” In the name of Beyoncé. Amen.

    Eden recently posted Pumpkin Glow: Guinesss World Record for Longest Line of Carved Pumpkins.

  167. Another commandment – binge watching on netflix is not only allowed – it is encouraged!

    I can’t wait until I am grown up enough (or famous enough) to have my own wiki page. sigh.

    Mary-Anne recently posted Knitting Confessions - Playing along.

  168. 169

    When one Blogessianist greets another with “Knock-Knock”, the correct response is “Motherfucker”.

  169. I don’t have tenets to add but I did make up my own religion in high school and had an elaborate story about how I had to keep my head covered for the holy day so I wore a dolphin baseball cap the entire day. It was actually to protest the new dress code which included a ban on wearing hats. It was a protest that only I knew was happening. If this website had been around back then I would have claimed Bloggessarianism as my backup. So wait, i do have a tenet to add: One holy day a month where you get to wear a hat all day but it’s really just because you were too lazy to wash your hair for two days and don’t want anyone to see how greasy it is. Or as a way of protesting stupid high school dress codes.

  170. If I don’t run the dryer soon, I will need a toga to run my errands.

    ljennison recently posted 50 of the Scariest Short Stories of All Time.

  171. 172

    I’d like to add to clio44’s comment: permission to refer to all caught engaging in douchebaggery as ‘bone-sucking snot flower worms’! Publicly.

  172. Pinot gringo is the official wine/ drink.

  173. I believe we need our own equivalent to “hallelujah” or “amen.” I humbly suit the cheer from Python’s Holy Grail that my friend Thane described as “you really are excited, you’ve just got broken ribs”. Written in no caps at all times.


  174. Thou shalt not throw co-workers under the bus.

  175. We ALWAYS celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day because my youngest daughter was born on that day AND she was diagnosed with strabismus in her left eye and has had to wear an eye patch for the past 2 years to correct it. Coincidence? I think not 😉

  176. Good thing I ACCIDENTLY got two bags of reeces cups candy for halloween. We only need one of those for trick-or-treaters, right? I’m totally finishing off the bag today for Chocolate Day. It’s all good when done for religion, right? Right?

    Also, you should totally get a betta fish with a big tank. I have mine alone in a 10 gallon tank, and he’s super friendly and begs for food all the time like a dog. He’s also super aggressive and attacks his own reflection like a cat. I guess the only downside is you couldn’t hold him for pictures.

  177. I’m in. I’m already a Dudeist Priest, so imma need both on my cards. But we’re cool with that.

  178. Had me at “Don’t be an Assholke” where do I sign up?

  179. We need some sort of voting system on here to find out the most popular commandments!

  180. Thou shalt get free lattes from Starbucks if you can present any of the following items: a laptop, notebook and pen, gum wrapper, or lone tic tac rolling around in the bottom of your purse.

  181. dude! finally a religion that i can jive with.
    this is gonna be good.

    jennifer niles recently posted Poo tickets as a teaching aid.

  182. 183

    Bloggessians do celebrate Pi Day, yes?

  183. Holy crappenstuff I wanna join your religion. I mean, I’m already an ordained minister and such; can I call myself a Bloggessarian priest??? Cause that would be so awesome. We could print out cards and make a logo!

  184. While watching any movie that was inspired from a book it is holy to throw popcorn and talk back during the parts they got wrong, like our version of praying.

  185. I am 100% on board with “mosquitos are now illegal.”

    Cie & Liz | Bonne Vivante recently posted Bridal Fashion Week with Weddington Way.

  186. Kitchen cleanup (that extra gravy isn’t going to make itself, people) should be done by the person who loves you most. All housework, actually. Ideally, it should be a competition.

  187. Spending hours on the internet is a form of worship.

    janice recently posted How I Exercise.

  188. I would buy that membership card but I’ll need mine laminated because I spill things and I don’t want to get salsa on my membership card.

    Jin recently posted New book day is the best day.

  189. Hmmm…this seems a little discriminatory as against mosquitoes. After all it’s in their nature to be stabby and I thought your tribe and, by extension, your religion accepted all life forms without judgment. Can a religion make something illegal? Oh wow, I just forgot what I was doing. Awaiting the pamphlets.

  190. I sign up just to hug a sloth, and will demand religious freedom to be allowed to hug all the zoo animals.

  191. The stories told by the Uncle and his Niece or Nephew about how the household object became broken must not be investigated too closely.

  192. Can we have baptism by gravy?

  193. If a llama is within ten feet of you, then you get the right to ride it and if you’re feeling extra religious you may wave a flag of anything proudly. (Pirat flag is suggested.)

  194. 195
    Barbara in Colorado

    The sacrament of wine and chocolate is mandatory on all days ending in “day”.

  195. Bloggessianism sounds legit! My students think Wikipedia is the ultimate source for knowledge (they are college students, so it makes me a little sad to write that) so in their eyes Victor is wrong. End of story.

    hollie recently posted Singing the Bleu’s part 1.

  196. SqualorHouseGal is a genius. KnockKnock, SHG!

  197. I truly need you in my life. Thank you for being here. xoxo

  198. Thou shalt not use the name of Spatula in vain…recipes, yes, vain, no. (was that just blasphemous?)

  199. Blasphemers and non-believers shall be marked with the sign of the metal chicken…with cherry scented, washable markers.

  200. Bacon

  201. OMG I love gravy!

  202. “We also get all the regular holidays off for every other religion because we’re incredibly open-minded and like to support other beliefs as well.”

    Sounds a little like the Slag-Blah:

  203. 204
    Michael Lipphardt

    The light! I’ve seen the light! I cannot f-ing WAIT for Talk Like A Pirate Day. My boss will understand why I’m not in that week!

  204. tenets
    And now you’ve just kicked me out of the Bloggessian church because I broke the first tenet of not being an asshole. I’m sorry. But I make the best gravy on the planet, so if you let me back in I will help pass out the gravy.

  205. 206

    I can get behind this disorganized religion.
    1. Naptime every day.
    2. Saturday is now Caterday.
    I’ve hardly slept for two days, I’m loopy and exhausted, I guess I can call it a religious experience?
    3. Squids are evil.

  206. 207

    So I guess Victor the Victim would be the first martyr of the Bloggessian creed? Should there be a special rule that he can be sainted before death? Sometimes I think my victim (husband) deserves sainthood, especially when the anxiety and the menopause combine in a hormone-spiked panic attacky day full of fun, tears and triple brownie ice cream.

  207. There must be a national holiday dedicated to Blogessianism (did I spell that right?), and it must include – as someone stated above – metal chickens decorated on the front lawn (or window, for those living in homeowner’s association ruled communities) and a PARADE. We must have a parade. Who doesn’t love a parade? We shall dress as – and carry – taxidermy and/or wear red dresses. Hats optional. It will be better than the Macy’s day parade.

    Tara recently posted You Can't Take It With You (But You Will) - Part 3.

  208. 209
    Cheryl in Wisconsin

    I’ve always kinda wanted a nickname, and now I like ‘Spatula’ and ‘Who-Let-the-Dogs-Out’. Would you be mad?

  209. We need Patron Saints. I nominate Juanita, Copernicus, James Garfield & the whole pantheon of bad taxidermy that you have elevated to superstardom. Now you can add candles with them to your shop for us to buy and burn on our special holidays. It’s a total win/win. Just call me if you need anymore awesome marketing ideas! XOXO

  210. Cake, always.

    JJ - 84thand3rd recently posted Vegan Pineapple Pancakes & Spiced Rum Caramel Syrup.

  211. I won’t lie. I especially like the two days off per month, but only if that comes with zero guilt. Can that happen?

  212. I agree with all of the tenets of the new religion, especially the Two Days of Lazy. Yes, please…

    suzannahkolbeck recently posted 8 Ways To Not Kill Your Teenager When S/He Is Awful.

  213. Orthodox Bloggessianists maintain a purer version of Bloggessianism than the rest, our message has not been corrupted.

    TheJackB recently posted Going To College Makes You Feel Old.

  214. Next Commandment – fire ants are hereby deemed dangerous to life on Earth and illegal henceforth. Also, they will be killed with fire (poetic justice, imo).

    awesomesauciness recently posted Is This Thing Even On???.

  215. Thou shall pray in thy bathroom, a cat on your head is preferred but not required.

  216. Awe Jenny – You have finally made it! Or, as my dog would say, “Where are the snacks and why aren’t you sitting on the sofa with me?” Because he is a bit self centered. Which is why I love him.

    PB Ray recently posted Gothic Style.

  217. These are all fantastic, you guys. Keep ’em coming. We need to fill at least one scroll with rules before we’re taken seriously by the other religions.

  218. Thou shalt get your slow ass out of the fast lane even if you are doing the speed limit, I don’t care!

  219. Commandment to add:

    Thou shalt not deny thine ball of twine photo.

  220. Thou shalt not be a douchecanoe.

    Jamie Graham recently posted This was how I spent 1985.

  221. All baked products during major holidays are henceforth declared calorie-free. There is too much quilt around holidays as it is.

  222. Ooh, ooh, it should also be acceptable to bake or buy things that gravy goes well on, and then bring them to the Church to share.

  223. I already changed my religion on facebook from nothing to this!!!!!! I believe sarcasm should rate highly on commandments

  224. There shalt not be snakes in the garden.

    Cassandra recently posted What’s Scarier than a Sexy Ebola Nurse Costume? Crossover Day!.

  225. 228

    Thou shalt not judge others on the amount of chocolate they consume lest ye be judged. Also, can we have, like, a swing holy day? I’m still in my jammies and I could use it right now.

  226. So, where do I send the copy of the I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To card if I happened to have had time yesterday, and might have made? I have tried to attach it to the comment, but it wont let me… (*I did try and twitted/tweet it to you, but twitter hates me)

  227. Thou shalt not use the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll.

  228. 231
    Nancy Toothaker

    I’m a simple gal. 1) Pants are always optional 2) EAT MORE PIE 3) Do-whatever-the-hell-you-want-I-don’t-care-as-long-as-you-don’t-hurt-anyone-or-vote-republican

  229. Seems to me we could streamline the whole thing by boiling it down to one commandment: Don’t be an asshole.

  230. Mosquitoes are illegal? Free Mosquito Magnets all around!

    @Naomi #177 We had a beta who we trained to eat mosquitoes. At first we’d drop the flattened corpses in the tank for him, then we’d hold it at water level, and eventually he’d actually jump out of the water to snatch it out of our hands. After the beta, we tried this with a lake fish my 2yo netted — and eventually he caught a house fly all on his own. So if you have a real fish tank, consider getting a lake perch or rock bass. Because they eat illegal insects.
    Although there’s a drawback to the jumping fish…they eventually kill themselves jumping out of the tank. So sad. 🙁

  231. At any moment, a Bloggessian may impose the Personal Mandatory Silence (PMS) rule of the Mental Health Preservation Code (MHPC, nothing funny about that acronym I guess), by simply quieting douchecanoes, ignoramuses (ignorami?), and any other equally-offensive humans with the words: “Say no more let’s not get violent / Beyonce bids you now be silent!” and whoosing an invisible cape over the offending party’s head. The offender is not allowed to speak without first the Bloggessian reciting the Semi-Forgiveness Chant: “I don’t like you, I ain’t no Cupid / Say it fast and don’t be stupid.”

  232. Oh and I almost forgot…has anyone not seen this?

  233. 236
    Rick Mackey

    I would leave the Seventh Day Adventist Hoppists for Bloggessianism.
    Perhaps instead of “Thou shalt not…” we could say “Thou shalt probably consider it a bad idea to…”. It’s a little less pushy, and we could suffix these commandments with “… but whatever, your choice”. Not sure if there should be an “eth” at the end of “choice” though.

  234. Thou shalt not take the name of the Bloggessin vain….Unless is for hilarious jackassery. Thou shalt anoint all followers in chocolates and bubble bath/ wine on non-fancy vagina days.

  235. Thou shall not be a dick.
    Pants are banned. Except Joey Pants because hello, ambassador of awesomeness and mental illness.
    Psych meds are dispensed for free at Walmart, which is now a communist entity, owned and operated by it’s former employees and anyone featured on People of Walmart.
    Coffee is a right.
    Cadbury mini eggs are available year round.
    I’m hungry.
    Extra gravy is a suggestion, not a requirement.

  236. If given handmade baby clothes for your baby, thou shalt make sure to take a picture of the baby in the clothes and send it to the person who made them.

  237. If thou sees thy neighbor being mean to a pet, thou shall kick him/her in the shins and adopt said pet for thyself.

  238. 241
    Barbara in Colorado

    It’s on the internet, and everything on the internet is true, therefore, it is a real church.

  239. I propose the following commandment: Never stand if you can sit; never sit if you can lie down.

  240. I’m pretty sure that any date on which a Doctor Who Special airs automatically becomes a High Holy Day.

    Commandments for consideration, off the top of my head:
    — We brake for taxidermy. Also chocolate. And phantom Sasquatches.
    — Don’t even ask what we do for chocolate taxidermied Sasquatches.
    — Thou Shalt Not Shalt Others. UNDER PENALTY OF UNICORN STABBINGS.

    Ooh I kind of like that one can we have a vengeful unicorn deity running around? I always wanted one of those.

  241. 244

    clio44 at #234 needs to be allowed to write a chapter or book of our sacred texts.

  242. Always be able to get hugs from others. Also kittens for when sadness needs to be treated. And free books.

  243. I totally second including: Thou shalt not use the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll

  244. Thank you Bloggess;
    Thou art as special and irreplaceable as the people you love most. Thy differentness makes you unique.

  245. OK then I read your new post so how about one commandment? It’s a really easy one

    The Church of Bloggessianism shall NEVER be organized.

  246. Wine shall be an acceptable beverage at all hours of the day. Because. wine. duh.

  247. Because it looked like you still needed an “I can hug a sloth because it’s against my religion not to” card

  248. Because it looked like you still needed an “I can hug a sloth because it’s against my religion not to” card.

  249. How about “guidelines” instead of commandments?

  250. I volunteer to design your religious pamphlets. I have a LOT of fonts at my disposal.

  251. Thou Shalt Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse, so that Bloggessianism can take over the world when it happens.

    No observances during the Zombie Apocalypse…

    Speaking of which, I’m doing a post tomorrow, I think, of zombie apocalypse links for the ultimate guide, like living wills and stuff. You will be featured in there somewhere. More than once. Because you are the Zombie Ass Kicking Guru.

    Michelle Grewe recently posted Super Easy Pinterest-Worthy Pumpkin Carving How To.

  252. No additional commandments/recommendations from this gal. BUT if we need somewhere to congregate… I totally recommend Murphy’s Steakhouse in my hometown – their tag line is “gravy over all”, it’s as if they knew one day everyone would come to their senses and gravy is not a condiment, but a way of life.

  253. I.. .may have found an official gif icon for our new religion…

  254. Thou shalt not make noise while I am sleeping in on the weekends.
    and I’m with Michelle G.:Thou shalt prepare for the zombie apocalypse.
    Thou shalt listen when I say I am feeling stabby, and leave me the fuck alone.
    Thou shalt control thine offspring in public. Just because you do not find their running in the supermarket or shrieking in the laundromat annoying does not mean I do.


  256. Depression Lies
    Red Dresses are sacred

  257. 260
    Brekke Ferguson

    I’m so very much in love with so many of these commandments that I’m seriously considering using your new religion as my own. My personal religious beliefs are what I tend to summarize as “eclectic pagan” if pressed, but I tend to prefer to keep the specifics to myself for a variety of reasons. Given that Bloggessianism is inclusive of other religions and belief systems, it totally would include my personal beliefs AND will have the added benefit of making people scratch their heads in confused wonder. This is a total win-win for me. Plus, so many of the tenets that have come up are informal parts of my personal belief system already, so now they are legit, whereas before they were just “eccentricities of a crazy lady”. I’m definitely coming out ahead here.

    I would like to amend the cupcake Monday tenet, though. Instead of stopping at “unless you’re celiac”, I propose that it reads: “unless you have food allergies or other special dietary restrictions, at which point the cupcake will be tailored to your specific food consumption needs so that you may also partake in the awesomeness that is Cupcake Monday.” Because 1) gluten free cupcakes can be pretty amazing, & 2) being excluded from dessert because of health reasons sucks ass.

    I also like all of the anxiety focused tenets, as Beyonce knows, the anxiety monsters have been hitting me hardcore the last year, & I need all the help I can get in that area, especially since I just realized that I’ve been exacerbating my own anxiety issues because subconsciously, I’ve been angry at myself for not “being better yet” despite telling several other people that anxiety and depression are a process & there is no magic button or point in time where you can say “poof, all better”. Apparently that’s okay for everyone else but not me…because having absurd expectations of one’s self are always helpful, right? headdesk sigh

    Anyway, moving on…

    One of my personal favorite tenets is the pajama one because it is getting colder & fleece pajama pants should absolutely be acceptable winter attire, especially if you are prone to being cold all the time & have joint, muscle, & nerve issues like I have. This seems perfectly reasonable to me & yet so many people are judgey-judgey about it. Hmph. Fleece pants are amazing. Just sayin’.

    So, yes, I do believe I shall become a member of the congregation of Bloggessianism & proclaim it proudly to everyone. 🙂

    P.S. Can “random babbling is absolutely an acceptable thing, as is simply being verbose because you are” be a tenet? That would be helpful.

  258. Always ask for a Virgo with a clipboard.

    The go-to phrase for asking anybody to help you by holding anything shall invariably be “hold my poodle.”

  259. Can we all dress in red one day a year and hug anyone who asks about it? I feel like that is appropriately supportive and invasively random.

  260. “Wearing slippers and pajamas in public is a sign of your faith and you’re allowed to kick judgey people in the knee if they question you. Togas are also acceptable if you are feeling particularly religious or if you’ve run out of clean clothes altogether.”

    FWIW, I wear slippers and almost pajamas (sweats/yoga pants) in public every time I hit the liquor store for a fresh box and I NEVER GET JUDGED. Those guys? AWESOME.

  261. I feel that a mandatory day of cocooning in a blanket fort with a good book and a cat (or lap dog) should be in there somewhere…

  262. Love it, love it, love it! Thank you for kick-starting my day with giggles & coffee.

  263. New commandment: “something something neighbor’s ass.”

  264. If we’re voting, I vote for “don’t be an asshole” instead of “don’t be a dick” — because really, we ALL have assholes. We just don’t have to BE them.

  265. And ye the Blogess sayeth:
    “And none for Gretchen Weiners.”

  266. All members, male and female alike, shall have their own tiaras.

  267. I thought it was odd that you were labeled as a ‘mom-blogger’.. Personally i haven’t found any cookie recipes or dyi casseroles… Ok wait.. that sounds harsh on mom-bloggers.. not intended… but still.. i don’t think you have a category unless there is one called life-blogger. Don’t put Jenny in a corner !!

  268. I would be all up for a religion with court sanctioned naps

  269. It’s not organised religion if you can’t even organise a coffee morning. Also now, if anyone acts all ‘holier than thou’ on me and is actually religious, I don’t have to acknowledge that this is actually true.

    I vote for: people who hide books in libraries because they forgot their card then never come back for the book meaning library assistants have to look in all of the hiding places to find now dirty books will be fed to Nessie.

    Also I want there to be decorations for all of our holidays, especially INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!

  270. Have communion every day so we can drink wine.

  271. Will the baptisms be performed with Stoley?

  272. 276
    Rick Mackey

    @ToriDeaux ‘s vengeful unicorn deity. That should be a thing. Can it be a thing?

  273. You had me at extra gravy. I consider gravy to be Nature’s Most Perfect Food.

    kmkat recently posted I can't think of a name, so let's just call it LINKS..

  274. One can NEVER have too many towels.

  275. Don’t have any new ideas at the moment, but really looking forward to the official scroll! Also, changed my facebook religion from “who the hell knows” to Bloggessanism” not sure that is the correct title, but you get the point! Love it beyond words!

  276. Going to Italy in the spring for a couple of months. That sounds very classy. But it’s only cause Hurricane Ike literally blew my house off the map fighting with insurance companies led to a lawsuit which did not yield enough to rebuilt on the bay, but now I have a cool travel fund. Anyway, while in Italy, I will see what kind of vestments I can come up with for you. There is a store–for real y’all!– right around the corner that sells clergy clothes. I’ll keep you posted, send photos, swatches, etc. So excited for you!

  277. Calories shall not count for any food that is shared

    Nothing shall be left behind on toilet seats and they shall be always be returned to their down position

    stephieopolis recently posted I’m still in here.

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