HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HERE IS YOUR PRESENT. THE CAT IS ON THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON AND WON’T MOVE. I’M NOT YELLING AT YOU.

in mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

IT IS MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY AND I HAVE A SNIFFLY-ASS NOSE.

It should be against the law to not be able to breathe properly on your birthday, but such is the curse of the Capricorn…always having to share a birthday month with Jesus, and usually taking too many antibiotics to have another margarita.

birthday juanita

But, it is my birthday and if I could ask you for a present I’d ask you to go buy my second book, but I’m putting the finishing touches on it this week so you are off the hook.  Unless you haven’t read my first book, in which case get thee to a bookery.

Still, it feels like birthdays should have presents and so in celebration I’d like each of you to do something wonderful for yourself.  Maybe buy yourself those shoes you can’t stop thinking about, or watch bad tv that you love, or pet all the cats at the animal shelter, or tell the person you have a secret crush on that I’m forcing you to make out with them, or just lock yourself in a room and read until you make yourself dizzy.   It’s up to you.  Or if none of that does it for you, I’ve made you something.

It’s a horoscope.  It is non-refundable so I hope you like it.  Also, there are probably a lot of typos.  I blame the margaritas antibiotics.

WHO ARE YOU?

Capricorn:  The tears of a Capricorn can heal a broken typewriter if applied directly.  You can provoke those tears by reminding the Capricorn that they have a terrible mascot/patronus.  Seriously…goat head + fish tail = WORST MERMAID EVER.

Libra:  Never ask a Libra to mail you a five dollars.  They suck at this.  PROVE ME WRONG, LIBRAS.

Leo:  No one is good at eating corn on the cob, but Leos are the best at not being good at it.

Sagittarius:  Never tell a Sagittarius to calm their tits.  They will become violent and stabby.  “No, why don’t you calm your tits, sir?  MY TITS ARE WILD AS THE WIND.” ~ Said every Sagittarius ever.

Cancer:  Cancers always tap on the glass, even when the sign specifically says not to tap on the glass.  If you tell them not to tap on the glass they will tap even harder while staring right at you.  Don’t fuck with Cancers.

Pisces:  Pisceses are confusing.  Mostly because spellcheck doesn’t even recognize that Pisceses exist.  Instead it’s telling me that the plural of “Pisces” is still “Pisces”, which seems wrong.  But I guess the plural of “fish” is still “fish,” so that sort of makes sense?  But if the plural possessive of fish is “fish’s” then would the plural possessive of Pisces be Pisces’s?  Pesci?  Oh my God, my head hurts.  Thanks a lot, Pisceses.

Aries:  The Aries wants to correct your poor grammar on the internet but they won’t out of fear of writing something grammatically incorrect in their correction.  Except sometimes they will.  They’re terribly unpredictable, those wily Aries.

Gemini:  Almost every adult Gemini is missing his or her original teeth.  That’s right.  Your secret is out, Geminis.

Khaleesi:  Not a real sign.  True heir to the Iron Throne.

Scorpio:  Scorpios act all tough, but really they are a full sack of feelings.  Who hurt you, Scorpio?  TELL ME WHO HURT YOU.

Virgo:  Virgo is simply not having it.  None of it.  None of your motherfucking bullshit.   Awww, you done fucked up now.  You better run.  Virgo’s got a knife.

Taurus:  The great tragedy of the Taurus is that they can’t eat cheese.  No, that’s not right.  It’s that they are always making witty references but no one in real life understands the references.  No.  Hang on.  Is it something about gluten?  Shit.  The great tragedy of the Taurus is that no one remembers what their great tragedy is.

Aquarius: The only thing Loch Ness Monsters find more delicious than an Aquarius is two Aquariuses.  Don’t go into the water, Aquariuses.  That’s how they get you.

PS.  Happy birthday to you.  I know it’s not your birthday but I’m getting a head start on next year.  Unless it is your birthday, in which case I totally knew that.  That’s why I made you this horoscope.  Happy birthday, us.  We’re awesome.

373 thoughts on “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HERE IS YOUR PRESENT. THE CAT IS ON THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON AND WON’T MOVE. I’M NOT YELLING AT YOU.”

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  6. We share a birthday – is it sad I think that’s cool? 🙂 Ah well, it was an interesting point on a painful day for me, I turned that horrible 3 – 0 number that means I can no longer act like a maturing teenager and actually have to appear sensible.

    Pah, who am I kidding?! Happy birthday to us

  7. Every time I eat corn on the cob, my boyfriend gets squirted in the face with corn juices. Also, I look like the hungriest 3-year-old at the party when I’m done. I rule at being bad at eating corn on the cob. Your horoscope is officially the most accurate portrayal of me as a Leo ever.

  10. If Tauruses couldn’t eat cheese or gluten, I would just cry all the time. Give me cheese and carbs or give me death!

    Also, I take this post as permission to go buy Christmas decorations on sale. The Bloggess says I need more glass Christmas trees, damn it!

  11. My birthday was yesterday. I can’t believe how drunk I got, but at least I was smart enough to have a couple glasses of water before bed. That explains the lack of hangover today. I am getting a sore throat, though, so- balance?
    Happy birthday!

  12. Happy Birthday to the High Popess of Bloggessianism and I hope that you feel less sniffly on your name day. I would totally be excited if my sign was Khaleesi, or would I just be a Khal…it’s not really clear, is it?

  14. Happy birthday! And just to let you know, you are two days early for mine. But I won’t hold it against you. This time.

  16. Happy birthday, lady. I’d wish you love and laughter, but that would be like wishing an ocean more water. Can an ocean ever really have too much water? The scientists seem to think so. They’re all freaking out about some ice up north melting and taking over the world. Let’s stick with love and laughter. You’re good at that. <3

  17. I agree with the previous post. If a Taurus couldn’t eat cheese then there would be no point in living. Yay cheese! And Yay to you for being alive! Happy Birthday! Or as my Mom always said, “Why isn’t the Mom getting the party and gifts on birthdays? She did all the work. All the baby did was show up.” So Happy Birthday to your Mom as well!

  21. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
    I would give you $5 for your birthday but I’m sitting here in my pajamas so I dont have any money on me because I dont have pockets in my jammies and my purse is in the other room and that would involve getting up and walking over to get it and then I would have to dig thru my purse to see if I even have $5 which I probably dont because I usually only have a couple $20s & a stray $1 and maybe some change buried way down deep and then I would have to figure out how to give you the $5 because this is the internet so I’d probably have to convert it to bitcoin magically or something so….fuck it. Maybe next year.
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

  23. Happy Birthday! I’m an Aquarius, so I guess I will not be going to Scotland for a swim in Loch Ness.

  24. I am unintentionally celebrating your birthday with a Toecapitation. Hope your day goes well, and you feel better soon.

  26. Happy Birthday! And I do have a knife…one from the cooking line of that chick who makes food…on TV. And sometimes she uses olive oil or essence of Dittney. Once she used salt. That one. I’d send it to you as a birthday gift but your clearly not a Virgo, thus not entitled to a used knife by that cooking chick on TV. It’s a cruel world. But I’d be willing to send Cuervo if we can get some art/product of Juanita with a tequila tie in. I leave the creative control in your capable hands.

  27. Hey, I’m a Pisces. I exist, don’t I?
    Happy Escape-From-The-Womb Day, Jenny.
    Congrats on the second book. I’m still working at mine (which will never come close to your special brand of awesome/crazy) but hopefully I can channel 10% of your coolness.
    Here’s hoping.

  28. Actually the plural of fish is fishes if you are talking about multiple types of fish (all the fishes in the seas) or fish if they are all the same species (all of the tuna fish). You’d think I’m an Aries. But I’m not. I’m the proud owner of tits that will stab you.

    I’ll one up you on sucky birthdays – my birthday is right at the end of the school year so almost every year when growing up I’d have an exam on my birthday. When I turned 21 I had an 8 am exam the NEXT MORNING!

    [P. S. why isn’t sucky in spell check?]

  29. Thank you for verifying my horoscope. You hit Taurus right in the head (but not literally, who would hit a bull over the head?…oh yeah, maybe you would).

  30. As a Gemini, I resent your implication that we are missing all our teeth. I have been a Gemini nearly all my life, except for one brief period when I experimented with being Scott Baio, and I am only missing two teeth. One I lost in a bicycle accident when I was 7 (never ask me to do a wheelie on a bike with a front hand brake), and I lost the other mysteriously when I was in my 30s. Not sure, but Lawrence Olivier may have been involved. But my point is, I still have at least a dozen of my original teeth. Oh, and my other point is “happy birthday, Jenny.”

    (Yes, but your original teeth were your baby teeth and I bet you’ve lost all of them. Unless you keep them in a bottle like me. That’s what capricorns do. We keep our original teeth in bottles in case we need them for crafts. – Jenny)

  31. Holy Crap! Taurus is spot on! I can’t eat cheese or gluten without feeling crappy! AND I am very witty in my own mind and when it spews out of my mouth, people look at me like I am nuts! You are really good at this!

  32. Happy Birthday! If I didn’t have to work today, I would have a margarita as well… Oh, what the hell… I just might do it anyways! 😉 Have a wonderful day!!!

  33. I hope you get a HUGE margarita birthday cake! Maybe the cake could be baked around a big old vase full of margaritas…mmmmm….margaritas…….Happy Birthday Jennie!!!

  36. “You better run. Virgo’s got a knife”
    This is the most accurate horoscope I’ve ever read. I will print this and show it to everyone who wonders how I can be so disorganized and messy, being a Virgo and all.

    Happy birthday, Jenny. I’ll go and buy myself a washing machine in your honor now.

  37. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNY! I guess I’ll have to take a trip to Scotland now just to prove you wrong. Or just to hear all the people talking like David Tennant does in real life. Or to drink Scotch. Or all of the above.

  39. I’m a Taurus. I think. Dammit, I’ve forgotten. What a tragedy. On a positive note, while out thrifting today, I found Tony & Steve Rainbow Unicorn’s cousin. I think his name is Raoul. I’m going to send him to live with my Big Kid.

  40. Happy Birthday! You share a birthday with my daughter who is 15 years old today. Remember being 15? I don’t. Anyway, I’m an Aries and your horoscope is so true it’s like WHO LET YOU INTO MY BRAIN?!? Happy Birthday again. It’s a great day for a birthday. 🙂

  41. You’re completely correct. Virgo’s having none of it. If they were smart, they would run. Except you. Have a great birthday!

  42. Apparently only the coolest people were born today, since it’s my birthday too. Happy birthday, newest birthday buddy. I always knew you were awesome but this proves it.

  43. Ha! I love how your star signs are all bad mutha-flippers. Go us. And happy birthday to you! Hope your sniffle sorts itself out soon. As you can see from my last blog post, I feel you with the cold thing…

  45. Happy Birthday, Jenny! (Tap.) Here’s hoping the breathing clears up soon (Tap.) and do have another margarita. (Tap.) For purely therapeutic reasons, of course.

  48. Wow you got me there to a T… But we don’t tap the glass to mess with you, honestly, it’s because we can’t accept information. (see also: touching the stove, putting a knife in the toaster, …)
    Thanks for making me feel understood though, best gift ever 🙂

  50. Thank you for invading my brain on your birthday! This virgo is having none of it! I’m taking the day off to watch Doctor Who 🙂

  51. Happy birthday! I’m horrified to learn I don’t have my original teeth. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? I did work in a dentist’s office when I was 14 to earn money for a summer camp. I sometimes got high off all the gas floating through the vents. Did I black out and they replaced my teeth? I hope they’re bionic, like with a built in GPS or a translating function. That’d be cool

  52. Happy birthday Jenny!
    My mother was delighted with my donating the Project Night Night gift bag in her name. So thanks — it was the best present I could have gotten her! (Her words exactly.)

  53. Happy birthday or as we say in portuguese Parabéns, Feliz Aniversario!!! Thanks for all the smiles and laughter you bring! Best wishes from Rio, S!

  56. Chuffed to discover we share a birthday week. I am tempted to order myself a pan of Beecher’s Mac & Cheese in honor of your birthday and to celebrate mine. I might instead just bake one, but either way, it will be awesome. Today I will also go buy myself some new underwear, b/c my current skivvies are at least 8 years old and do not fit over my 25-weeks-pregnant belly (and, let’s face it, butt). Happy Birthday to you!

  58. Happy Birthday, Jenny! I had a rough year, and your book made me laugh till I cried (I grew up in Slick, Oklahoma, so I totally GET it.) It really gave me something to brighten some very dark days, and I thank you for that. I bought a copy for a friend who is a Brit, so not sure it will have the same effect. Not sure if they have taxidermy in Britain, unless, of course, you count Camilla. (Yes, I went there.) In honor of your birthday, I am going to go actually use the French perfume my nephew’s girlfriend bought me in Provence. I always keep stuff like that for a special occasion, but I’m starting to feel like waking up in a red letter celebration. I am also going to take the many fancy perfumes, lotions, shampoos and shower gels that I never use, but keep the gifts for special times, over to the local nursing home, where lots of lovely ladies with no family might really love them. So, yeah, Happy Birthday, Jenny. Thanks to your birthday, lots and lots (and LOTS) of old ladies will smell and feel better…I hope. It depends. I don’t mean the diapers…never mind. Happy Birthday!

  60. Happy Birthday from this confusing Pisces!! And get thee some Breathe Right strips…STAT!!!

  63. Happy Birthday! I’m using this post as evidence when my husband wonders why I did nothing all day. It’s my gift to you. 🙂

  64. Felix Natalem Tibi, Jen!! That’s Happy Birthday to you in Latin! Magistra13 at yahoo dot com
    Beth

  65. Happy Birthday!
    I am indeed a Gemini who had some original teeth removed because they couldn’t all fit. YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO KNOW.

  67. Happy birthday to you, fellow Capricorn! My birthday was 2 days ago and it does suck to have to share the month with baby Jesus. But my cousin had it worse; he was born on Christmas day so he got NO celebration. Although he did claim the lights and decorations were all about him.

  68. Happy birthday, Jenny. Thanks for all the laughs this year, including today. Drinking with drugs probably isn’t recommended, although my latest prescription bottle didn’t say anything against it. So I blame my prescription bottle for my Alzheimer’s moment on Christmas when I momentarily didn’t recognize my sister.

  69. So I’m a member of the Church of Bloggessianism and its your birthday… So obviously today is a holiday and need to take off work… But does that mean I can demand presents like on Jesus’s birthday? Can’t wait til your second book comes out!? Don’t tease! When?!

  70. I am a Taurus, and the first two statements are completely true! I cannot eat cheese, and that is a great tragedy. I also make witty references that no one else seems to understand. Except you, you’re cool like that.

  71. Happy birthday from a fellow Cappycorn! If we gotta sport a fish tail wouldn’t a narwhale patronus be more awesome?

  72. Happy Birthday, Jenny! I would LOVE to send you $5.00. As long as I don’t have to mail it….because then I would have to find an unused envelope (they make for good lists for shopping, etc.) and then I would have to find a single stamp…who has stamps any more? And to stand in that line at the post office for one stamp, well, isn’t on my list today. But if you can accept $5.00 electronically, I’m all over that! And I hope you feel better soon.

  73. Yes, it is a tragedy that my witty references are so over everyone’s head. And I will have to stop quoting Emerson all the time as well. Your conclusion of what our great tragedy is sounds a lot like something out of “The Little Prince”, which is my favorite all time book although I didn’t read it until I was 25. Loved the gift Horoscope; Happy Birthday!!!

  76. Fishies. It’s in some poem or something so it’s a word despite you little red line that I’m ignoring.

  77. Well, you nailed this Virgo. Wait, that doesn’t sound right…
    Happy Birthday, Jenny! Thanks for the spot-on horoscope!

  78. Ah shit. I am the worst mermaid ever, because I share this awful astrological sign. I’m stubborn and smell like fish. Not a nice combo, or so I’ve been told — from a safe distance.

  79. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
    I think the great tragedy of Taurus is that they are generally peaceful and like flowers except when a bee stings them on the butt and they are expected to battle a man in tight pants and a funny hat.

  80. Happy birthday Jenny. I’ve read your first book, I look forward to reading your second book. I hope you had a great birthday.

  83. “Libra: Never ask a Libra to mail you a five dollars. They suck at this.”

    Speaking for all Libras, we don’t suck at the actual mailing part. We suck at deciding whether or not to mail, because our motto is “on the one hand…but on the other hand…”. Trust me. I once traveled with a fellow Libran, and deciding what to do today took us until lunchtime. It’s a miracle we ever made it out of the hotel room.

  86. I am a Gemini. I am only missing one tooth. I had a baby tooth that I had to have pulled in my 30’s. Apparently that is a thing. I better catch up and lose some more teeth. Someone pass the caramel and pixie sticks.

  89. Taurus – Nailed It!

    Happy Birthday, sadly, I just got home from town without knowing I was supposed to buy myself something nice. So, in honour of this day, I found someone who needed help on the Santa James Garfield Christmas Miracle thread & sent them a $40 gift card towards the computer they need so they can keep their new job 🙂

  90. You nailed us Virgo’s! Happy Birthday and thank you for the continuous giggles. 🙂

  91. Happy Birthday Jenny! $5 is a lot to put in the mail. I’d have to go to the bank and get US cash which would cost me $12.84 and then the stamp at $0.67 and the envelope at another penny. But pennies no longer exist so it is really $0.05, rounded to the nearest $5, that is $5. I think I have just mailed you my first born’s college fund and it never made it in the envelope.
    Hope you are feeling better soon!

  92. You just have no idea how accurate that is for this Aries. It’s pleasant and amusing but also kind of scary… Remind you of anyone?

    (Seriously, I edited the above three times.)

    Happy birthday, Jenny!

  93. Brian’s mother: What star sign is he?
    Wise Man #2: Capricorn.
    Brian’s mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
    Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
    Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.
    Brian’s mother: And that’s Capricorn, is it?
    Wise Man #3: No, no, that’s just him.
    Brian’s mother: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there’d be a lot of them.

  95. Happy Birthday Jenny! I will be the first to buy your book when it’s available. In the meantime, you totally nailed it on the Aries horoscope.

  96. Yes; happy birthday to us! Mine’s a day late, but considering that you are only a day late wishing my a happy birthday and didn’t forget while blaming Jesus, you are ahead of the game.

    Thank you for pointing out how goat-fish is the worst mascot ever! Not a fan of the unsexiest mermaid ever .

  97. HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS TO MY DARLING GRANDDAUGHTER SHAYLA (WHO I AM UTTERLY TOO YOUNG TO HAVE). NO WAIT, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR JENNY!
    In your honorI shall now introduce Shayla to the awesome fun of tiny taxidermied mice. Which is really a good idea since 1) she is now in double digits (yes, teen mom family) and 2) she wants to be a zoologist. Or a teacher. I keep telling her scientists make more money and English degrees are only useful to put in a live mouse cage. Yeah, we smell out own kind.

  99. Happy Birthday!! Thanks for the reminder to be good to ourselves.
    In your honor I will treat myself to the chocolate bar I have on hand for just such an occasion. Gemini folks rule – with both personalities.

  101. Happy birthday Jenny!!! In honor of your bday I am going to eat some m & m’s and watch crap tv tonite. I hope you feel better soon! AND I am so super duper insanely excited for your second book to come out! wooooo!!! And hey! I’m super good at eating corn on the cob! ha ha ha!

  102. Happy you day. And happy me day. We share a birthday and a name…I think everything else must have gotten split between us. You got the funnier part, and the part with all the taxidermy.

  103. Happy Birthday to you!!! Can’t wait till your next book is out, Loved the first one!

  106. Happy birthday from this Virgo who is literally not having it today! You are a bright shining spot in the darkness that is the interwebs. And I don’t mean that as a come on. Unless you want it to be a come on which in that case… how you doin’?

  109. I’m a Gemini…and the teeth which reside in my mouth are all my own. Sure, there’s a couple missing because dentists are cruel to me… That, however, is beside the point. Happy birthday Jenny, and thanks for all the giggly fits of glee throughout the past year. Here’s to the next year of awesomeness… sends glittery rainbow unicorn kitten to Jenny, cos everyone needs one of those

  110. Happy Birthday!! I KNEW it was super dangerous for we Aquarians (sp?) to be in oceans, lakes, and rivers!! Thank you for confirming this. Also may I have both the horoscope and the making out with the person on whom I have a secret crush?

  111. Im a Virgo/Libra (on the cusp). So I WOULD mail you $5…..but I’m not falling for your bullshit.

  112. I am [b]Pisces[/b] and I can’t understand myself either. However the plural of Pisces is still Pisces and the possessive is Pisces’ (no extra “s” required.) Did you also know that now they teach our children in school and in dictionaries that the plural of fish can be either fish or fishes…seriously?! Spell check didn’t even try and correct me on fishes (What is this world coming to?)

  113. PIsceans are confusing – we’re the Luna Lovegoods of the horoscope.

    My birthday falls on the Ides of March, which I always thought of as The Eyes of March, and decided that is when you get to start singing “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” – the truth cut me like a knife.

    In other news I share my birthday with Jimmy Baio, aka Billy Tate in the Soap, so that helped ease the pain.

  114. OMG. How did I not know The Bloggess shares my birthday?

    One day you will have to give me a visit for a birthday present. And I can can give you the experience of celebrating our day in the middle of summer down here in New Zealand!

    You could go to the beach for your birthday 🙂

  117. Happy Birthday Miss Lady!!

    I am an Aries (sun & moon sign) and Sag rising (whatever that means) and you couldn’t be more correct on both accounts. Kinda scary. Are you really a psychic??

  118. Happy Birthday! My birthday was yesterday. I’m reinstating “half” birthdays in June for those of us in December. You in? May Ashley and her new shoes are too?

  119. Well, now that I know this is a religious holiday I’m gonna postpone the cover letter writing for a job(I hate writing those) and watch reboots of old cartoon shows and eat Italian food and ice cream.(not at the same time-the food thing, not the tv and eating thing) Because that’s what I do, as the Recognised Pixie of Pizza Gospels.

  120. These are the only true horoscopes I have ever read. You nailed everyone in my family except the Taurus (my husband). Their tragedy is rooting for losing teams.

    And no one can have a dramatic my-team-sucks meltdown better than a Taurus.

    Signed your fellow Capricorn, who feels you on having a birthday too close to Christmas

  121. It’s my hubby’s bday too. I Love You almost as much as I love him, but for other reasons…you’re WAY funnier!!

  122. Happy happy birthday, Jenny!

    I will lock myself in my room when your book comes out. You see, last time I had a breakdown and a laughing fit in the bus so the lady sitting next to me was probably considering telling the buss driver to kick me out but it all worked out in the end (mainly because we arrived to our destination).

    You know what, December birthdays are OK. Mine is on the 31st so all motherfuckers gonna celebrate whether they want it or not (except maybe for the Chinese and other cultures that have different dates for the New Years but you cannot tell billions of people to change their traditions I guess I don’t wanna be an asshole).

  123. Sometimes I feel like I should be a Virgo, but then you make me laugh and I feel less stabby. Today I shall indulge in ice cream, enjoy my children, and try to block out my annoyingly drunk husband.

  125. I bought makeup brushes for me on your birthday. It’s totally weird really because I rarely go out anywhere so I never need to actually put makeup on. When the brushes get here I will do my face and look real fancy to write a comment on your blog. Some people’s gift buying is just so damn random but just make the most of it.

  127. Actually my birthday was yesterday (the 28th) and I am in fact sick. Missed my own party. Feeling sort of pouty about that. Anyway, you’re right about the patronus. And if you must drink I recommend tea with a shot of bourbon. What could be more medicinal than that?

  128. Happy Kicked Out Of A Nice Warm Womb Day! After all, nobody really wants to leave the womb. Except maybe twins. Living with someone else’s toe in your nostril can become annoying. Most of us aren’t assaulted by our siblings until after we take our first breath. Anyway, Have a good one.

  130. Happy birthday! Thanks for the gift. Yes, we Tauri are all about the tragedy. (Hey, let us know when we can pre-order the book. Please? With sprinkles & stuff?)

  132. Tomorrow is my birthday, and you’re right—Capricorn is THE WORST SIGN EVER. Not to mention totally not us—our horoscope always says things about us being stoic (NOT) and good with money (DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH LIKE THAT IT HURTS). Plus, everyone (including me) is always so tired of the fucking holidays, no one (including me) wants to do anything “fun.” PLEASE, GOD, DO NOT MAKE ME EAT ANOTHER DESSERT.

    So my good thing for myself is to lock myself in my room and read murder mysteries.

    Happy birthday, Jenny! Have a Kleenex and a nice cup of tea!

  133. Happy Birthday, Jenny! I hope you do something really fun for yourself – whether it involves antibiotics or margaritas or any other sources of amusement. You brighten the world with your humor and kindness. Have a great day!

  134. I hope I am only posting this once. I never figured out how to disconnect this site from wordpress.com and it made me login then didn’t post what I had written.

    Anyway…

    My birthday was yesterday (the 28th) and I too am sick. Missed my own party. Am feeling sort of pouty about that. In any case you are right about our official Patronus. However, our real Patronus is Eeyore: misunderstood, a little sad and moody all the time like the weather in the month of December. Happy Birthday to both of us!

  135. Happy birthday, Jenny! In your honor, I have make secret plans to have a secret week off after the avalanche that was November and December. As far as my clients are concerned, I’m booked with other work and can’t fit in their rush project. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I have a big, huge project I’m working on and thus can’t help them with moving, cleaning, assembling, negotiating, babysitting, cooking, handholding, psychoanalyzing, kvetching, etc. No one needs to know that my work/project is a secret vacation. And then I’m going to do it again every quarter this year.

  138. Happy Birthday! Hearing that your second book is on its way is an early birthday gift to me. I assure you I’ll be reading it while eating corn on the cob poorly. I can’t wait!

  140. FYI – we Crabbies tend to tap on EVERYTHING, not just glasses, and we, er… I… tap our, hmmm…my… feet so loudly at work that co-workers put a foam square under my desk because it is apparently TOO LOUD and DISRUPTIVE!!!
    Whatever.
    Didn’t they realize that I am NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH??!?!
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Now you need to shake your booty like you want to fling every last piece of snot out of your nose and once the snot has cleared sing along with Sir Paul like it’s… YOUR BIRTHDAY! http://youtu.be/_GBO36wkGsc

  142. I laughed at Cancer and then I realized that my son is a cancer and he just turned 1 1/2 so you can’t tell him not to touch shit. His horoscope is very accurate.

  145. Happy Birthday! Mine is next week and I totally agree that Capricorn is the worst patronus ever! The whole goat-head thing makes us look like a bunch of satanists. And having a birthday right after the holidays is no fun either, no one remembers it, or if they do, they’re all partied out. Sigh. Only other Capricorns can understand our pain. I vote next year we all change our sign from Capricorn to Khaleesi, and make it a dragon instead of a goat. It seems only fair since we share our birthday season with Jesus. Enjoy your day and feel better!

  146. OMG This is the first horoscope that’s nailed me to a tee!! Happy birthday from this Libra (the five bucks is in the mail …….. NOT!!).

  149. how did you know I was bad at eating corn on the cob? My husband makes fun of me and says I eat it like a kid. Whatever that means. Apparently, I am not orderly or neat about it.

  150. What? You are soooo psychic! I eat corn on the cob like – well like a queen, because you know – I’m not the king of the jungle – girl here – I’m the queen of the jungle. Have you seen male lions? All hair and lazy! The women do all the work. Salt and pepper and we’re good to go. Not on the lion – on the corn.

  151. Happy birthday!! As a Virgo (plural Virgi, by the way) back at work on a Monday after Christmas, I’m feeling particularly stabby. I think you should relish having an excuse to lay in bed and read all day. And eat bon bons – I hear they are particularly good for colds.

  152. You nailed it! My husband is a Leo and he can NOT eat corn on the cob!!!! It’s the weirdest thing. I thought he was just one freak. Turns out he’s got a whole bunch of weirdos out there with him. Huh.

  153. Happy birthday!!! May you soon be able to drink as many margaritas as you want. I wish you the very best of everything, because you deserve the very best of everything.
    I can’t wait for your next book! I read the first one in many a public place, laughing my head off and eliciting weird looks.
    I know, Pisces are weird. I’m a Pisces. Pisces is actually plural, it means “more than one fish.” It’s because the person who invented the signs knew we’re often lonely people and wanted to rub it in. (It has no connection to stars whatsoever. The inventor of sings was simply an asshole.)

  154. Happy Birthday!! You are the reason I discovered Pinterest. 117 Boards, 11,338 Pins, 3,606 Likes later and I still cannot quit it. I’ve not gotten both of my daughters to love it. Look at you! You touched the future…and my family. Kinda creepy.

  159. Wishing you the best ever birthday! Finishing your book will be a terrific present to us – so excited for it to come out. Much love from Denton, Tx.

  160. Robin! My daughter goes to school at UNT in Denton! I love to see other North Texans in Jenny’s DUS Club. I can’t wait for her next book too. I’ve already peed a little in anticipation.

  161. I can vouch for the comment on Aries, being one myself; whenever I read a book or a post, or whatever, I often wonder if whoever proof read the thing (if it even got proof read) was asleep, bored, or ignorant.

    I especially hate when people write till, but mean until or ’til.
    So far as I’m concerned, till is what you do with your soil, or it’s another term for a cash register in a shop.I won’t even get started on the difference in spelling between Australian, American, and English versions of words, and spellcheck’s insistence on defaulting to American.
    This makes it hard for me to always get the spelling right myself, because I may be coerced into correcting a word that should be fine, but want’s to become Americanized!
    I’m a stickler for spelling, but I’m far from perfect; though like many of my mindset, have my own struggles with perfectionism; I know perfection is impossible, but that doesn’t stop me trying sometimes!

    I know I make spelling and grammar mistakes, but I’m just some dill sitting at home, people that get paid to write should know how to do it properly, or have someone look over their work to correct any mistakes, it’s called proof reading and editing; which I believe my maternal grandfather used to do.

    All that said, if the content is good enough, it makes it a lot easier to overlook the fact there may be the odd typo or grammatical error that slips through.
    I’d never pick up on Jenny for her mistakes though; the attitude, content, and humour far outweighs any issues my most unusual pedantry would otherwise object to.

  163. Happy Birthday!!!! Hope you are having a lovely day.
    Thank you for the gift, as well. Permission to be lazy is my favorite and I have been pretending the floor is molten lava all day. My foot hasn’t touched the floor and it is now 4pm. It’s magnificent!

    I am a Leo and I have spent the last 12 years overcoming my corn handicap…handicapricorn? …. (This so should have been capricorns horoscope) I am now THE BEST EVER at eating corn. Seriously. So, for your bday present, I will share my method with you and the rest if your corn-i-capped readers.

    First. I have to clear the first rows the old fashioned way, all the way across. This way there is room to ooerate. I then gently clear one single row of corn at a time by just using just my top teeth to gently pry the kernels away from the row next to it. They come loose easily and you get the WHOLE kernel! By the time you’re done the cob will look stripped bare, with only that small area of rows you cleared in the beginning. It’s way less messier!!

    I hope this is useful for you!
    Enjoy!
    Happy Birthday!!

  165. The Virgo horoscope? Are you sure you’re not describing me? Because my friends will tell you, that is me to a T.

    Happy birthday, love! Hope you have a fantastic day, antibiotics be damned! xoxo

  166. Best birthday gift ever is knowing you’re almost done writing your new book! I’ve been waiting for like forever but no pressure!

  167. Hope you’re having a fabulous birthday. I’m a Libran. I won’t send you five dollars – because I’m a Libran and that’s how we roll – but I will send you something better.

  169. Happy birthday!

    I wish I’d known that awesome bit about being a Capricorn (my birthday is in two days) a few years back. If I had, I totally would have rinsed the 20 ounces of Faygo off of my laptop’s keyboard with those magical tears. 🙂

  172. my birfday is tomorrow. i have a sniffly cold today. dear god, you are always right.

  176. Happy birthday Jenny! In celebrating, I have spent the day in bed reading and snuggling with the cat.

  178. So freaking excited you are doing another book! I always find a way to point out or suggest your book when I am in a bookery! Or talking to book listeners (the Audio version has nearly killed me and my friend it was so funny – seriously it should come with a warning not to operate heavy machinery while listening!) Happy Birthday!!

  179. Spot on about Virgo from pocket to Machete! Excellent Horoscopes HUZZAH for the birthdays of 2015~

  180. Thank you for the horoscope. Do I need to stay out of all water or just Loch Ness? I can stay out of Loch Ness without too much trouble, but staying out of Misquamicut may be an issue. I will just sit on the beach until I hear from you.

  181. Your birthday is the best present to everybody, Because it means the world has you!

    YAY!

  182. Happy birthday…
    And the real tragedy of Taurus is that they’re too stubborn to admit they have a tragedy.

  183. For your birthday I got myself two kittens. They are soft and cuddly and I named them Stella and Samson. Thanks for the best birthday present EVER!!

  184. One time, in Vegas, my hotel had a big revolving door. Next to the door was a big red button that said, “Don’t push.” I pushed it. As a result, the revolving door stopped and the people stuck inside it looked really mad. Yep, I’m a Cancer all right.

    Hope you have a great birthday!

  185. Happy birthday! And you have it absolutely right — don’t fuck with Cancers.

    I realized today that I have reached (and passed) the “I don’t give a shit” date, which either makes me old or awesome, or both. Is my hair sticking up kind of funny in the back, or front, or sides? I don’t give a shit. Bother to put on makeup? I don’t give a shit. The tourists are looking at me funny because I’m muttering that they should STOP BLOCKING THE DAMN SIDEWALK? I don’t give shit. It is quite liberating, but may also be a sign of early Alzheimer’s — so it’s probably a good thing that I don’t give a shit.

  186. HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY JENNY! May your sniffly-ass nose be unsniffly-assed very soon passes the puffs with lotion. Can’t wait for the second book, Wiley Aries are not known for their patience.

  188. Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!! and don’t you worry I will be first in line again to get the new book!!!

  190. The great tragedy of us Taureses (Taurai?) is that nobody understands the depths of our awesomeness. We are so bullishly awesome that people think we’re jerks instead. We’re not. We are just confident in our awesomeness. It’s not that hard to understand. Happy birthday Jenny.

  191. “Scorpio: Scorpios act all tough, but really they are a full sack of feelings. Who hurt you, Scorpio? TELL ME WHO HURT YOU.” Yep. I’m a Scorpio. And my last name is Urion, the original spelling of Orion, who was killed by a scorpion. The two constellations are opposite each other in the sky, and I am therefore my own destroyer, which fits with mental illness and suicidal tendencies.

  192. Happy birthday!! In your honor, I’m going to sit on my patio (Arizona rocks!!) and drink leftover eggnog heavily laced with rum. Also, the horoscope is the best gift ever, because Pisceses are super-confusing, and it’s about time someone formally recognized that.

  194. Happy Birthday, Jenny. I’m sorry you’re feeling rotten but maybe this is 2014 getting it’s last licks in to clear the way for a wonderful 2015! PS I’m a Gemini and I have MOST of my original teeth – I hope your horoscopes weren’t actually predictions. Oh, no. QUELLE HORREUR!

  195. Today is my birthday 🙂 And the best gift ever is knowing that I will be buying and reading your second book in the future!! Happy birthday, and thanks for being wickedly awesome 🙂

  197. Happy birthday, Fellow Capricorn!
    I will not cry over our goofy mascot/patronus! All the mermaids in stories are pretty, and I’m not, but if I had a fish tail I’d be a prettier mermaid than the mascot! Yay!

  198. Forget khaleesi, you Bloggess are the true heir to the throne. But you can’t get naked like she does all the time because I’ll get sick of your bare ass like I do hers.

  199. Happy birthday!

    You’re totally on about Sagittarius. 🙂

    And to be nice to myself, I’m giving myself time to read. I’ve got a huge novel and it’s part of a series and the library has a lot of the series and that’s wonderful.

  200. May I have permission to tattoo, “None of your motherfucking bullshit!” on my arm please? is this copyright material? Do I need to get permission from a wizard somewhere in internet lands? Seriously….that’s my whole fucking life summed up and I need it written for people to see.

  203. Oh my, it IS what us Sagittariuses always say~!

    Also I want your second book because I’ve reread the first half of your first one when I was giving it to my parents and I came back home and now I can’t read it. Unless I find my ebook of the first one. Hmmm….

    Also I’ve just had my Birthday so I will gladly accept your late wishes. Happy Birthday to you too~!

  204. I’m a sagittarius, so I totally get the whole birthday/antibiotic/margarita thing. And? your Sagittarius horoscope? Freaky true…. just freaky…. who ARE you? are you Magic?

  207. I feel like this was a birthday present to me!!!! So wonderful.
    I hope the sniffles decide to leave you alone.
    I hope that the stars are shining brightly over your house, but not so brightly that you’re thinking to yourself “wtf stars” as you put a pillow over your head because who can sleep with the stars shining so brightly.
    I hope that you are never behind glass when there is a Cancer around, unless the Cancer is a drummer with a penchant for playing the song Wipe Out and you really, really like that song.
    I hope that someone finally shows you that the seagoat for Capricorn is really the lovely sea lion and it’s simply that the ancients sucked at drawing sea animals. (Have you see their version of a whale? It’s freaking huge and insane.) Although, admittedly, this is simply my opinion. Not having any ancients around to question. At the moment.
    I hope that you are friends with lots and lots of Librans.
    I hope that you find a way to cope with the fact that the plural of Pisces is, in fact, Pisces. Although some use Pisceans. Although Pisceses is hysterical and makes me want to create a club for Pisceans just so I can name it Club Pisceses. Which, as they are not Virgos, they won’t really care about.
    And, finally, I hope that you have the best birthday ever, and have lots of tissues with lotion, and maybe a cake flavored with menthol, which actually sounds disgusting so never mind on that last one.
    I am glad you were born. Happy birthday!

  208. I can’t get the white-out off my screen from correcting all the grammar mistakes in this post. I’ll have to get a new PC. Happy Birthday, Jenny.

  209. Happy birthday! Also, I just came home from a friend’s birthday party. Since he’s always thought that having a birthday between Christmas and New Year’s pretty much sucks, he also always celebrates his half-year birthday in June, which is awesome, because it’s warm and nobody has a cold and you can sit outside drinking the whole night and don’t have to drive home because you can just sleep on the patio if you bring your own sleeping bag. You should totally do that too!

  210. As a Piscean, I apologize. Can I make up for it by sending you a headache remedy of your choice?

  211. Haha #18… you got a typo!!
    Jenny your horothcope ith amathingly accurate! (I have all my teef, I jutht have a writing impediment.)

  212. Happy birthday! Today is my birthday also. It was rarely celebrated when I was a kid. All the presents came on Christmas.
    Thanks for all the laughs!

  213. I am married to a Cancer. Fucking with them is a baaaaaaad idea. Keeping that in mind, though, being married to one is pretty fun. As for me, the mergoat is totally not me, and I’m almost an Aquarius anyway. No swimming in Loch Ness just to be safe.

  214. Happy birthday to us! Every year I’m pleasantly surprised to re-remember that we share the day. Hope you have an interesting day.

  216. Since you gave us permission to buy something for ourselves, I finally ordered this:
    goo.gl/FVdiJx (Leonie Dawson’s awesome planner) which I have been really, really wanting but reluctant to spend the money on myself. Makes it easier when I can say to myself “Well, Jenny said it was ok”.
    Happy Birthday oh Goddess of The Strangelings!

  217. FIVE GOLDEN RIIIIIINGS! HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM A FELLOW CAPRICORN!
    Okay, end of solidarity all-caps, because I try to not be shouty (at least not overly much) since I was born on the 13th day of Christmas and am not all not sure there was true love involved in the making of such a gift. Or in other words (twisted from Dr. Demento’s show): Goat heads! Goat heads! Roly-poly… oh dang, that was fish heads…

  219. Happy Birthday! Thanks for all the laughter you’ve brought into our lives and for coining the phrase,”Knock, knock, Motherfucker!”

  221. Happy birthday Jenny. The beat gift you haver was your blog, then your book, and your tweets. You are too insightful and brilliantly funny to not be known by this tribe. And I am a Virgo, and that shiy is totally for real.

  223. You just made me very jealous of your margaritas-I mean antibiotics-I mean grammatical prowess. Thanks?

  224. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JENNY!! In your honor I shall watch some trashy tv and since your new book hasn’t come out, I will read the book I got for Christmas. Your book cannot come out fast enough! xoxo, B.

  225. Happy Birthday!! Birthdays are the one thing I think should be celebrated no matter what! My Birthday is next week, January 6, and my mother always wraps my presents in Christmas paper! UGH! So I complained one year, so she wrapped them in tin foil. 😛
    Anyway, I hope you get to feeling better! Have Victor make you a special dinner!

  226. Happy Birthday to you, and thank you for making me laugh daily and helping me to realize I am not alone.

  227. Happy Dia de La Blogess! Feliz Cumpleaños! (I’m writing in Spanish in a festive attempt to make up for that second margarita you won’t be drinking.) xx

  228. Happy birthday! I will totally buy your book, so that’s your birthday present in advance. And thank you for the most fucking accurate horoscope I’ve ever had (Virgo here). Today, because in Texas Costco has wine, I bought six bottles. Also a case of Stella Artois. That was me being nice to me, but in your honor I feel compelled to open a bottle and drink some of it.

  229. I suspect you are a true astrology adept because someone telling me to Calm my Tits, would truly piss me off. How did you know?

  230. Happy Birthday, Miss Jenny. And happy early/belated birthday to each & every one of us, from the Sag that would love to be a Khaleesi – ’cause what gal doesn’t dream of being the mother of dragons and heir to a throne?

  231. Nope you’re right. I’m a Libra and I suck at mailing stuff. But I will by your next book. The first one is so much bizzare goodness that even if it where not a religious obligation, I would seek it out. As a member of the church though, I really am without choice in the matter

  232. I. Love. You. I needed this giggle so damn bad today! Happy Birthday to you, and thank you so much for being silly, wise, insane, and absolutely wonderful! I cannot wait to buy your next book! So much love from an Aries. 😉

  234. Happy super belated birthday! I am an Aries and I have learned to overcome the need to correct people who are grammatically WRONG on the internet (except for a few very dear friends who will take it in the loving spirit in which it is meant). And I am doing things for me; I spent October thru Christmas crocheting scarves and hats and afghans for friends and family, and there were so many lovely things I wanted to keep for myself, or try but didn’t have the time to perfect, that I decided to declare the week after Christmas my week for ONLY working on projects for me. I am making two beautiful infinity scarves, one with matching (color only) fingerless gloves and maybe a hat. I am making a bag. I may even make some coffee cup sleeves and/or amigurumi stuffies. It is completely ridiculous of me and is making me ridiculously happy. After New Year’s, I will go back to mostly doing things for other people, but for now…self-indulgent self-care. 😀

  235. As a gemini of 38 years i resemble your remark. Its not dead on but im missing a cpl teeth thanks to cough drops and thyroid disease. Does not go well with weak enamel and a sugar addiction to rival charlie sheens coke n hookers habit. I wish mine were fake bcuz i have had so much dental work done in my life my teeth should be bionic by now. Or maybe radioactive… Mercury, silver, copper, tin and possibly other metals are seeping into our brains from our fillings, Maybe i just need to get drunk and use a pair of plyers…

  236. My birthday was yesterday, but since yours is today, I’m going to pretend mine is today too. You’re welcome.

  237. Happy Birthday to a woman who is incredibly wonderful (even though she doesn’t always know it)! My husband says we share a brain. If that is so, I am so sorry, because its pretty scary in mine. Keep breathing and be fantastic. Now go and have a great time. Allons-y!!

  238. I hate to admit it, but my tits are not particularly wild. They’re just in a hurry to reach my feet—why?? So I can tuck them into my shoes? (shaking my head)

    Happiest of Birthdays to you, dear Jenny!

  239. Dear Jenny, Happy Birthday! All the besteht for you. I celebrated by buying your calendar. 🙂 And thank you for the horoscope. You nailed the virgo’s attitude perfectly

  241. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNY! For your birthday I wish for you the same wonderful karma, good will, whatever you want to call it, that you have been spreading not only in the last few weeks but all year. Thank you for sharing your amazing sense of humor and compassion for your fellow humans with us.

  242. You are so right, Libras DO suck at sending $5 in the mail. Sorry, that’s just how we roll. Happy birthday anyway. If it makes you feel better, I’m sniffly too (but it isn’t my birthday, obviously since I’m a Libra!)

  243. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNY!!! I hope you have (or had, at this hour) a wonderful day! I can’t wait to get your new book, so I hope with it’s release, you have a fantastic new year filled with love, laughs, adventures and happiness! Thank you for all that you do and are, you are in inspiration. 🙂

  245. Happy Birthday! I can’t believe how accurate your horoscope is. I am a Virgo; and although I am small like a gnome, I will cut you if you piss me off.

  246. Happy Birthday, Jenny and thanks for my Piscean (see what I did there?) horoscope…I don’t usually believe in horoscopes, but knowing that I made your head hurt was proof positive that your reading is the real deal. My hubby’s birthday was yesterday (same stupid Capricorn mascot) so I read your blog out loud to him. He rolled his eyes (what is it with husbands and eye rolling?), but suggested we go to Starbucks in honor of your birthday. So we did. We told them our names were “Twist” and “Shout” just so we could take this picture. (Last time we were “Rock” and “Roll”) They may not let us back in. Hmmmm….
    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10204547552142171&l=3bc6e466d3

  247. As a fellow Capricorn sitting here with half a box worth of snotty tissues spreading across my desk, I feel your pain. Happy birthday! (But I put forth that a half goat, half fish makes a pretty good mermaid since I don’t care so much about looking at the tits of regular mermaids.)

  248. I’m sick today too. I feel your pain. In honor of your birthday I did what you asked and did something wonderful. I blew off my chores and spent the afternoon on the couch, watching old Sherlock Holmes from the 80’s and catching up on articles I mean to read but never do. It was amazing.
    Happy Birthday!

  249. I did send you $5 but you only check your PO box twice per year, perhaps the mailman stole it because all that mail was piling up and there was no room in that tiny little box for my big fat $5 envelope. Your mailman has some serious money mojo and he just couldn’t resist my big fat $5 envelope so he stuck it in his pocket when the security camera was turned the other way and the secretary was looking in her purse for her favorite lip balm, but that wiley lip balm always manages to fall to the bottom of her bag exactly at that moment her lips turn dry and chappy.

  250. So you got magical powers for your birthday. Use them for good and fun. As an Aries, yes, I am a grammar freak.

  251. Happiest of birthday wishes to you! You are dead on about Leos…corn on the cob eating is something I have yet to master!

  252. Happy Birthday! And since mine is tomorrow, I totally feel your pain about Capricorn birthdays…which is we always get the shaft. Adding to it is the week between Christmas and New Year’s…which means we also tend to be forgotten. So I will celebrate with you!

  254. Happy birthday from an Aries. Every classroom in my high school had a poster that read “Every class is an English class.” I am very grammar focused. Thank you for your definition of Scorpio as it fits my husband to a T!

    I hope you feel better and send you cyber chicken soup for your prompt recovery! c|_|

  255. Happy Birthday my wonderful High Priestess of Bloggess! And you are absolutely correct about Virgos – don’t fuck with us, especially when we are feeling stabby, which is often. Maybe that’s why I get all loud and annoyed at stupid people so much quicker than others…

  256. I am on the cusp of Scorpio & Sagittarius and your horoscope describes me completely. I am totally a big bag of feelings but easily violent and stabby when told not to do something especially when it comes to my wild tits.
    Have a wonderful birthday!!!

  257. Happy, happy o so happy birthday to you, Jenny! Feel better.

    Geminis may not have all their original teeth because they are BITEY. Very, very bitey. And then they need to be replaced when they break on stuff.

  258. Happy Birthday! You share a birthday with my oldest daughter, who turned 21 today. I’m having a glass of wine to celebrate your birthday, and the fact that it is Monday. And that it’s 2014 for a couple more days. And that I’m wearing a white t-shirt. (EVERYTHING needs to be celebrated with a glass of wine!)

  259. Happy birthday! I hope you feel well enough for margaritas soon!

    Also, I’m a Leo and part Cherokee. I OWN that corn on the cob!

  260. Just in case no one has told you this yet, the thing about antibiotics and alcohol is totally not true.
    I think there are a few specific antibiotics that react badly with alcohol, but for the most part, go ahead, party on. Seriously, I Googled it!

  264. Scorpio goes and hides in the corner I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday! sniff

  265. Happy Birthday!!!! My birthday was yesterday. As my present to myself I finished reading your first book in anticipation of your second book while drinking Bloody Mary’s. Happy Birthday to me and to you!!!!!!

  266. That is the first incredibly specific and accurate horoscope (at least in my specific instance) that I have ever seen! Kudos on being the Horoscope Master (if that is a title – or hell, it’s your birthday, so from now on it is both A title and YOUR title) in addition to being a blog-writing bad-ass who doesn’t even need to be able to breathe to be awesome!

  267. Oh my gosh. The Virgo one (which applies to me based on most Zodiac calendar delineations of when Leo ends and Virgo begins) is so absolutely perfect for how I’ve been feeling this past week.

    Seriously. I’m tired of your shit. And if I had enough energy, I would totally have a knife. Instead, I’ll make terribly mean comments to you that cut you to the core metaphorically.

  268. Damn I totally missed the whole birthday thing focusing on the horoscope.
    Happy birthday Jenny, and many happy returns.

    You’re site is one of the things that keeps me going, and gives me something to look forward to most days.

    I’d say it’s what keeps me sane, but I concede that sanity is in the perception of the individual,and since most people think I’m nuts, (and I have my meds and a confirmation of diagnosis in the works), I’ll just say that it’s better to be nuts and be yourself, than try to conform and be someone else’s version of sane.

    After all, the most interesting people are all a bit crazy.

  269. Happy Birthday! I share your pain as, being a late October Scorpio, I usually have a sniffly-ass nose on my motherfucking birthday, too. Also, MY DOG LIKES TO randoMly LIE on the SHiFt KEy!

  270. “HAPPY HAPPY WILD BIRTHDAY, JENNY”, said every Sagittarius ever! I hope the ‘antibiotics’ make you feel better.

  271. My daughter-in-love/law thinks you are the reason for the Internet….. she gave me your book last Xmas and I have yet to read the thing…. she posts all your great blogs (like this one) on Facebook so everyone gets a chance to see how funny you are. I must say you are one helluva whoroscoper…. you put that guy in the paper to shame… Have a fab birthday week and keep blowing the nose.

  272. ps. I took your advice and did something wonderful today. I’m now honoured to be the sponsor of a foster child in a third world country. Thank you, Jenny.

  273. Happy Birthday, Jenny. I hope it involved more margaritas, less antibiotics, lots of laughter, and I hope you know how thankful I (and really, we, the broken) am that you’re still here.

    Love,
    A Virgo who isn’t feeling stabby. At the moment.

  274. Happy birthday, Jenny! As a Cancer w/moon in Leo, Libra rising and Venus in Gemini, I can honestly say that I’d be all embarrassed about tapping on the glass once I saw the sign, seem to prefer tougher, chewier corn on the cob (but can’t have too much of it due to intestinal issues I won’t describe here), can’t afford to send you $5 because I’m too poor myself, and, while I still have all my important adult teeth knock knock, I saved my wisdom teeth from when I had them out many, many years ago. (I should see about having the two that came out intact made into earrings sometime…) Try doing a dozen jumping jacks if you can, because that helps me get my sinuses clear enough that nasal spray might actually work, or even if you can’t use the spray, it still seems to help…oh, and fix yourself a nice hot toddy w/rum or whiskey, lemon juice, honey and hot water–it may or may not cure you, but you may no longer give a rat’s ass anyway! Take care, and may next year be better for all of us!

  275. Happy birthday, dearest one full of light and love and laughter and the most beautiful, if slightly stabby, crazy the inter webs have ever seen.

    From,
    A Gemini who not only has all her teeth but is damn near 50 without a single cavity, proving that geminis will never EVER do what is expected!!!

  276. Happy Birthday, Jenny! Hope your sniffly nose is better soon. My birthday’s tomorrow and I’ve got a sinus infection & bronchitis. Flu season is an asshole.

  278. Happy birthday! I’m a Scorpio, and what’s hurting me is my baby has just learnt to pinch. Hard. If I forget to cut her fingernails its more like pincers. I’m covered in adorable tiny bruises. She’s a Taurus, so I guess the tragedy is always hurting the one who loves her most….

  279. I have never before claimed wildness for my breasts but I may begin now.

  281. Happy Birthday Jenny!
    Mine was yesterday, and the only person who remembered is my 3-year-old nephew who drew three pictures (one with invisible ink!) for me. Dear Other Nieces and Nephews, This is why he is my favorite. ~Auntie Dawn

  282. Happy birthday, Jenny! I wish you the rapture of sleeping late as many times as you want. I realize that this is my bliss, so if it is not yours, then I wish you YOUR BLISS! Have an awesome year, Jenny!

  283. Happy Birthday dear Jenny!

    I hate being a Pisces because it’s always the second to last horoscope listed. Apparently, whoever writes this stuff runs out of happy platitudes by the time they get to me.

    I can’t wait to buy your next book! Your first book lead me to your blog and they both helped me through some tough times. You’ve gotten me through a biopsy (kept myself from crying thinking, knock knock motherfucker), Superstorm Sandy (pictures of Hunter and the other kitties in Halloween gear) and a brief stint of homelessness.

    Thank you Jenny and I hope you are feeling much better soon. Since you were sick on your birthday, you get a do over. I will share mine with you in February, but I warn you the horoscope will suck.

  284. My word, I was laughing through all of these until I got to my own sign, Scorpio, and IT IS SPOT ON! Absolutely the most uncannily accurate horoscope I have ever read, which of course makes me believe all the other ones you wrote. So my boyfriend doesn’t have his original teeth? Interesting…

  286. I’m super excited about another book. So much so that I just interrupted the “bowl game play by play” on Facebook (arkansas and Texas) to excitedly announce the impending arrival of another great work of literature.
    I think your book is far more important than a bowl game. 🙂

  287. A very happy wonderful super duper birthday to you! I wish you peace, joy, and clear nasal passages.

    My husband and I just practically bought our weight in new books earlier today. If your second book HAD been ready to be unleashed upon the masses, you better believe that magnificent fucker would’ve been coming home with us. The first one almost gave my husband internal injuries, he was laughing so hard.

    Also he’s a Cancer and I have to say, you hit the nail on the head.

  288. In my husband’s case, the great tragedy of Taurus is ALL OF THE ABOVE!!! No cheese, no gluten, and no one gets his witty jokes.

    Poor Taurus.

  290. Happy Uterine Expulsion Day, Jenny! Hope you’ll feel better very soon! (Your characterization of Sagittarius is … really accurate.)

  291. Happy happy birthday! I hope you feel better soon and can have a celebratory margarita. Also I love the Virgo horoscope. I used to put up with shit but not anymore!

  292. I think my favorite part of this is that my best friend is a Leo, and being THE BEST at something, even.. well, that… would delight her. But only if it also comes with a trophy.

    My birthday is the 23rd, so I share the sorrow of Capricorn. On the bright side, I was not antibioticy for mine, and said best friend spent many hours (and dollars) on rum and beer and whiskey for me. And for her bday, I decorated her office with roasted faces, because friendship is two pals munching on a well-cooked face together.

  293. You’re absolutely right about toothless Geminis. The only real teeth I have are the bottom four front ones. I’m missing a crown, so I have a somewhat obvious gap. I wish I knew how the hell you knew about my Geminid teeth (or lack thereof)! For your birthday, I’m going to buy a box of Hostess chocolate cup cakes and eat all ten in one day. Please feel free to enjoy vicariously!

  294. How are you inside of my Aries head?!

    Also, I don’t know how much I buy into all of it, but it can’t be good that we have three Aries in the house, right? My husband, myself, and our daughter. My son shares your fate, with a December 27th birthday. Or maybe a worse one since he shares a house with three Aries.

  298. Happy mutual birthday, you lovely person! I opened your blog yesterday, and then got inordinately excited that you somehow knew both me and that it was my birthday. Because apparently I’m the only person in the world to be born on December 29th, haha. Anyway, thanks for the birthday wishes, and I send them right back to you! I hope this is your best year yet!

  299. Scorpio here…..you nailed it!! I hope you feel better soon! Being sick on your birthday should be illegal.

  300. lmao as I have been ever since I read your book! Happy Birthday, Jenny,. And your Aries is right on…..I am a teacher, librarian, AND grammar nazi. See-I even put a comma between “birthday” and “Jenny” in the true spirit of a parenthetical expression. 🙂

  301. My birthday is the cusp of Leo and Virgo, and I’d have to say pretty much bang-on. I am an awesome corn on the cob eater – don’t leave one kernel on the cob, and have to wash my hands and face afterwards – and people should know better than to mess with me…because I do a lot of crafts, I may have a knife or pointy sticks or a saw in hand..so watch out! hehehe.
    Happy Birthday and looking forward to book #2!

  304. Happy Happy (late) Birthday you amazing woman, you! You never fail to put me somewhere between cracking a smile and laughing so hard while reading your book at work (on night shift) that everyone completely thinks I’ve lost my shit. Thanks for being you, please don’t ever stop!

  305. Happy birthday! Spoken through my semi unoriginal teeth. I am a Gemini. My sister’s a Capricorn, born Dec 23rd so she’s also got a bone to pick with Christ. In honor of your birthday I am watching the Walking Dead marathon.

  306. Happy belated birthday Jenny. My birthday is January 1,so it always starts off with scores of drunken birthday wishes between midnight and 1am and ends with everyone being too hungover to remember. I’m turning 45 this year and honestly feel better than I have ever felt thanks in part to joining a gym last March and partly to you and this community for accepting myself flaws and all. Happy New Years to you,Victor and Haley.

  312. At the risk of sounding redundant, I too am a Gemini, and I resent the implication that we are missing all our teeth. I have ALL of mine, even if they ARE hiding behind composite that makes them look more pretty. There. I said it. As if my comment is any more important than the dozen or so others. But see – it is – because I’m a Gemini. And it’s ALL about us.

  313. yeah….you got it right with virgo. i am a very sweet person… but if you start feeding me bullshit you best run and hide motherfucker. happy birthday yesterday!!

  315. Well, Holy Crow! You and my sistah share a Natal Day- I’m gonna go out and buy her your book. So There! That should show the both of you!

  316. I’m an Aries and that’s the best horoscope I’ve ever gotten. Thank you for that.

    Happy birthday!!

  317. i have SOME of my original teeth, wait unless you mean BABY teeth – cuz those are long gone.

  319. Happy Birthday (a bit belated) but no less heartfelt. I’ll be celebrating my birthday soon and as an Aquarius I promise no swimming in Scotland or pretty much anywhere else as I’ve never learned. But my boobs are wild and free so I guess I’m part Sagittarius.

  320. Scorpio: Scorpios act all tough, but really they are a full sack of feelings. Who hurt you, Scorpio? TELL ME WHO HURT YOU.

    *********** A Virgo hurt me!!!

    Virgo: Virgo is simply not having it. None of it. None of your motherfucking bullshit. Awww, you done fucked up now. You better run. Virgo’s got a knife.

  321. As a Pisces, I agree with the confusing part. Also, I love fish sticks, and that may be very wrong. Hilarious horoscopes, you do them better than I do! Happy Birthday, hope your new year is just as awesome as you can handle!

  323. I copied and pasted my horoscope to my FB status. I then immediately felt compelled to change the two spaces you type after each sentence to one, as it should be. Happy Birthday! Love, An Aries

  325. Happy Birthday, dear Jenny. You are a gift, every day of the year. I shall celebrate your day with reading, mac-n-cheese and a nice fire in the fireplace.

  326. Happy birthday, Jenny! Hopefully, the antibiotics have done their job, you can breathe again, and enjoy those margaritas.

    I hear ya on the birthday Capricorn Jesus thing. My birthday is on Christmas Day. There was literally a fight EVERY YEAR once I turned about 16 and started to assert my belief that I was as important as He when it comes to birthday-celebration-ness. But I was always shouted down that, of course HE was GOD, and I’m just a human, and thus my birthday had to take a back seat to His (pointing out that His actual birth probably occurred sometime in March was the WORST IDEA I EVER HAD). So, this year (my 34th), in order to avoid that, I offered to move my birthday to Boxing Day. That way, I still got to be a special unicorn for a day, but there was no competition with the Lord. It solved the argument! Thank Jesus.

  327. Happy belated birthday, Jenny. I hope your cold clears up fast, so you can switch back from antibiotics to margaritas (which are much, much more fun, as your birthday should be).

  328. Happy birthday!

    And…it’s eerie how dead-on you were about Saggitarius. I’m a Sag, and my tits are totally wild as the wind.

  329. In honor of your birthday, a friend and I had this conversation today…

    Me:
    haha but you’re fine with the shabbiness
    stab siri
    fucking stabbiness
    it’s a word
    Friend:
    Lol
    Me:
    the bloggess would agree

  330. As a Taurus, I can assure you that the tragedy is always making witty references that no one else gets. I’d make one here, but what’s the point?
    Happy Birthday, from me and the cat currently attacking my feet.

  332. Happy Birthday!!! Did your mother try to delay you until New Year’s Eve? My mother would have just to get the free toaster. PS Virgo was spot (and I mean SPOT) on!

  333. It was my birthday, too! But I was sick and had to drag my sick ass into work since I work in accounting and it’s the end of the month/year. But tomorrow I will celebrate late with cake and rest. I’m pretty sure it’s feed the flu cake, right?

  334. Love you and yes – my tits are as wild as the wind, but if you asked, on your birthday, for me to calm them down……I would definitely try. PS – I’ve seen you – you make a lovely mermaid….not that I’m stalking or anything weird like that.

  336. I don’t know a Gemini with bad teeth …in fact everything about them is always so excruciatingly perfect! and they will tell you so…Like my middle older sister (who has brilliant teeth, blonde locks, blue eyes, and no under-arm hair. Weird). A dead-great-aunt once described her as “the beauty of the family”. As for me, a piscinean, like regular fish, people seem to go off me after a few days.

  337. Your blog never fails to make me smile. And yes, my tits are wild as the wind. I think I need that on a shirt.

  341. I read this blog for it’s amazing educational value. I’d never believed in astrology and I’d never heard of cusps. Now I’ve been enlightened and I’m on the path to self-knowledge. A full bag of hurt feelings with eight wild and crazy nips. THAT’S ME!!
    Thanks Bloggess
    meow meow meow

  344. Dear Jenny,

    December 29th was my 38th birthday and when I got up in the morning I was feeling blue. I opened my computer and I thought, “I wish I could go to some website today and there would be a birthday message for me, to make me feel special.” I don’t think I’ve ever had such a thought before, and of course I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I imagined going to The Atlantic’s website and there being a birthday message for me. Which would be eerie, among other things.

    Then I typed in your URL, and the first thing I saw was, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.” It seemed unreal. It seemed like something was happening that wasn’t quite possible to be happening. Then I read through your post and remembered that we share a birthday and it stopped seeming quite so odd. But for a minute there it felt like I could tell the future, or like I had more intuition or premonition than I thought.

    So. That is all. Happy birthday to you too.

    Tamie

  346. Happy Birthday!

    Also, big grateful shout out to Matt Kelly (sensible fan!) for pretty-much nailing “Defect Progression Analysis”. Thank you! Congrats on that regular numerical palindrome business, too. I Palindrome I!

  347. Happy birthday.

    My husband is Virgo and I am Sagittarius. It seems we are a match made in heaven. If I can convince him to let me borrow the knife.

  349. Happy belated birthday!!! In your honor, I had a massage…..yum…… And, my horoscope is correct – I’m a Leo and I suck at eating corn on the cob (but I so love it – another yum……).

  350. Happy Belated Birthday… Due to the birth of Christ we were driving all over tarnation to visit all the expected people we were supposed to visit, So I missed your birthday.
    The Cancer Horoscope…. well, it might just be me, but I am more likely to tell your grubby little child darling monster to take their hands off the glass and DON’T you dare Tap on it. :~)

  353. Happy Belated Birthday!!! I’m a Pisces, and it’s not the first time that I’ve heard that I make someone’s head hurt. Lol. So id say it’s a pretty accurate horoscope. Especially for free. Hope you are feeling better!

  354. Dear Jenny,

    Like “data” and “bacteria,” Pisces is ALREADY plural. The singular is “piscis.” It’s a third declension i-stem.

  355. Thank you for writing my new battle cry for 2015: “MY TITS ARE AS WILD AS THE WIND!” This needs to be on banners, mugs, t-shirts, and pretty much everything.

  356. THANK GOD I only had to read a couple of inches in comments before I found this: (Yes, but your original teeth were your baby teeth and I bet you’ve lost all of them. Unless you keep them in a bottle like me. That’s what capricorns do. We keep our original teeth in bottles in case we need them for crafts. – Jenny) You are correct!

  357. Happy birthday. I am a Taurus and I eat cheese but the real tragedy in that is I am lactose intolerant. More information than you wanted or needed, but someone needed to illuminate the great tragedy part.

  360. Oh crap. That was supposed to go to my mother. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap! If I had any other words, I’d use them.

    I loooove you….how’s that? xox

    Susan

  361. I’m a Leo and I am GREAT at eating corn on the cob! I feel my lion has been violated so I want to change mine to Khaleesi, mostly because she’s the only woman I would actually sleep with, even though I’m married with three kids. I guess my point is never underestimate the ability of lions to eat corn on the cob. Also, I can’t be a Leo because I’m all introverted and I’m on the cusp of cancer, which is what my mom AND my best friend died from. I have no idea what to make of that except my horoscope doesn’t really seem to be working for me. Does anyone want to trade? Happy Birthday, Jenny! Watching for your next book!

  362. I’m late wishing you a happy birthday. It’s because I’m a Leo, I do suck at eating corn on the cob, and everyone knows Leos think everything’s about them anyways, so I was laying in a patch of sunshine, contemplating my navel, while marvelling at how blessed the world is by my existence.

    Actual reality is, I live in Canada, there ARE NO patches of sunshine until spring, I’ve birthed six babies, and my navel resembles something that is either new art, or deserves to be captioned, “WHAT IS THIS HORROR?!” and I haven’t figured out if I’m an agent of Good or Evil in the Universe, so I’m sure as shit not marvelling at my continued ability to exist.

    So, I’m just not paying attention to important shit, like your birthday. And for that, I beg forgiveness. And hope you feel better. And promise to buy your book.

    Happy birthday, Jenny!

  363. Happy Birthday Belatedly. My brother also regularly complained about having to share his birth month with Jesus. He used to lobby for a 13th month comprised of Dec 24 – Dec 26. But he was on the cusp so only half Capricorn. Also, as gemini, I must tell you I have all my own teeth and only two cavities in spite of my 42 years. This is not evidence of anything more than lucky genetics. Or, maybe I have secretly found the best dentures ever, because based on what my elderly (90’s) friends tell me, dentures just suck.

  364. Belated Birthday Wishes! Love your fish. I had to have a tooth removed as a child because apparently I had too many and it was growing sideways to try and fit in where it shouldn’t be so I guess that counts as a Gemini. Sorta.
    And comment number 58, nobody counts Camilla. She’s an embarrassment and we Brits tend to ignore embarrassments in the hope they will go away.

  365. Happy Belated Birthday!! Also: the Scorpio horoscope is the most accurate thing to ever be accurate. My husband, my son, my dad, my brother, and my brother-in-law are all Scorpios. 😐 It’s ok to laugh. Or cry. Or pray. Whatever you’re in to.

  366. Holy shit! I’m a Gemini and my husband is an Aries and you couldn’t have described us more perfectly! I will now read you differently, b/c it seems you can read our minds.

  367. I feel as though Leos got the short end of the cob on this one. All the other ones were laugh out loud funny. A Leo hurt you once, didn’t they? With corn? Here, have a nice steak, and let me show you how awesomely funny Leos can be.

  369. Scorpio here. I act tough because I will kill and eat you if you cross me… but you have to push pretty hard to get me there. Otherwise it’s all jellybeans and sunshine. 🙂

    Happy belated birthday!

  370. Happy Belated Birthday Blogess. Have another margarita and thanks for the horoscope. How did you know? When I eat corn on the cob, juice squirts out and hits people.

  373. I guess i definately want my virgo possibly in my extended life for sure. p.s. maybe…

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