Ho ho ho. Green ballsack.

in BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap, weekly reruns

jollygreenballsackI was just wondering if the Jolly Green Giant was made of vegetables, because if so it seems sort of cruel to make him a spokesperson for eating vegetables.  I looked it up and it urns out that the original Jolly Green Giant was neither “jolly” nor “green” and was actually some sort of angry caveman in a bearskin loincloth which just gave me more questions.

But I did find out that there’s an enormous, 55-foot statue of him where it seems like it would be almost impossible to not stare up at his ball sack.  Then I was like, why am I thinking about the Jolly Green Giant’s ball sack?  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?  This is exactly why the internet is so dangerous.

But clearly I did not learn my lesson because then I looked at wikipedia to see if it could answer the question about whether JGG -and his Jolly Green Genitals- are made of vegetables and Wikipedia explained that the Green Giant came around in the 20’s in response to a new variety of pea that were “oblong, wrinkled and huge.  Despite their size, they were tender, and had a special flavor and sweetness that couldn’t be matched.”

Also, the company originally used the brand name “Le Sueur”, which is french for “The Sweat.”  Sweaty, green, oblong, huge, and wrinkled….but tender and with a special flavor.

I’m sorry.  I can’t stop laughing and I’m not going to explain why if you’re not as messed up as I am.

************

And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

sid2

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the wonderful Chris Illuminati (yes, that is his real name) who just wrote a very funny but educational bad-ass book called The New Dad Dictionary— Everything He Really Needs to Know.  I assumed it would be stuff I already knew since I’m a parent but then I got to the page about Baby Concierges and I was all, ‘WHAT THE SHIT?  BABIES GET CONCIERGES NOW?”  I didn’t even know that was a thing.  If you’re a new dad, or about to become a new dad you should totally get this book.  Check it out here.

124 thoughts on “Ho ho ho. Green ballsack.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’ve always loved Le Sueur brand peas. (as much as you can love canned veggies that is… which I suppose is not really a lot.) But I liked the baby peas… itty-bitty. Perhaps the Jolly Green Giant isn’t so big in his man-parts?

  4. I’m envisioning what you Googled up.
    “Is Jolly Green Giant’s ball sack made of vegetables?”
    Oh, Jenny.

  5. There… are… no… words… Jenny.
    You’re weirdness is an awesome sight to behold.
    Green ball sack? Now I’m TRYING not to picture the Hulk’s naughty bits… and the She-Hulk’s…

  6. I just laughed so hard I almost peed the bed. My gf is not very happy with you now, but I am still giggling and mentally affixing different veggies to the JGG in my mind. Thanks for that little earwig, you evil evil woman.

  9. Did they think about the double meaning? I think so. This bright to mind the joke my dad told Mr when i was young: What do you have if you’ve got a green ball in each hand? Complete control over the Jolly Green Giant.

  10. The humongous JGG statue is near our town. I’ll think of this EVERY TIME I drive by there now. Thanks. Seriously, thanks.

  11. I travel through Le Sueur quite often and I love to turn on the windshield wipers as we pass the JGG and tell my kids he is peeing on us.

  12. Sooo…. Is he made of peas or what?? I’m refuse to google this question now -_-

  13. Your genius never ceases to amaze me. Jolly Green ballsack, brilliant, just fucking brilliant. I just had to ass ballsack to my Kindle dictionary. I have to teach how to swear, it’s a bit prudish.

  15. I have pictures of Beyonce visiting the Jolly Green Giant last summer. It’s on my instagram. lol He thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

  16. I saw this and immediately panicked “SHE WAS IN MINNESOTA AND I MISSED IT?”, so I’m not sure if I feel better or not now that you were just making fun of us from afar 🙂 our fiant sweaty greens are good for you. Le Sueur is the city where this started, their official city motto is still “Valley of the Jolly Green Giant.”

  18. Gah, another thing to think about when struggling to get my kids to eat their veggies. “Sweaty, green, oblong, huge, and wrinkled….but tender and with a special flavor.” Appetizing.

  20. My FIL and step MIL live in Le Seuer. Every time we visit, we drive by that statue many times. My kids love it, I can’t wait until they are older to relay this info to them. L
    OL

  22. I’m having trouble coping with this part of the Wikipedia article: “what passed for the blue riverbed clay that gave the town its name.” “Pass for” means that it seems to be something it isn’t. Is it not blue? Is it not clay? Is it not from the riverbed? Did this guy just hand the visitors a chunk of blue plasticine and say, “there you go”?

    This really bothers me.

  26. Great. Something more to break into hysterical giggles about at the grocery store, that I can’t explain to the normies. Which includes the husband.

    I may get banned from the grocery store.

  28. Maybe we should commission someone to make some Jolly Green Giant Underpants? Or at least a protective cup, for the JGG scrote… can you imagine the reproductive power in that sac? WE COULD FEED THE WORLD.

  31. I’ll never look the same at the bag of frozen peas that I use for achy knees. AND now the jingle has a more sinister ring to it. LOL

  33. Hahahahaha! “oblong, wrinkled and huge” I think I’m going to use those words to describe a lot of things in my future :’-)

  34. My MOTHER told me this one…What do you have when you have one green ball in one hand and another green ball on the other hand? Total control of the jolly green giant.

  36. What’ve you got if you have one giant green ball in one hand and one giant green ball in the other? Total control over the Jolly Green Giant! (My fifth grade inner child says you’re welcome).

  37. So now I can’t decide if he’s a tower in tribute to cannibalism (a vegetable promoting eating vegetables?) or porn (the whole ball sack bit). Either way, I think you’ve effectively toppled an American icon. What’s next? Big Boy? Mickey Mouse? 🙂

  39. I’d ask my pagan friends if they’d connect him with the Green Man of ancient lore, and with John Barleycorn, but I suspect they’d disapprove. As guardian over a garden (well, a valley is basically a large garden, right?), he becomes a modern avatar of the Roman tutelary (i.e., viz, and to wit: guardian) deity Priapus. All he needs is his sickle and his schmekel.

  41. I live near the valley of the jolly green giant. This made me laugh a lot! LeSueur MN is going to get famous now ☺

  43. I believe it was a minor Stephen King character who was grousing about lime juice that is sold in little plastic containers that look like the Jolly Green Giant’s left testicle. At least 20 years now I’ve had to suppress a giggle every time I see them.

  46. I’ve just woken up and read this. All day today I’m going to be thinking about giant green genitalia with a special taste of sweat. No more oblong vegetables for me. Just spheres or cylinders lol

  47. As a teenager growing up in the town where the 55 foot statue resides, we would sit on the his feet smoking cigarettes after we closed up the Dairy Queen for the night. The subject of his ballsack did arise often, although it was the clear lack-there-of that was our chief concern. Not even a slight bulge under his gloriously green tights.

  53. After reading this blog post, I’m more sure than ever that you are my spirit animal. No other person could’ve known that there was a hole in my life that could only be filled by veggie porn. But you’ve pretty much doomed me to bouts of inappropriate giggling every time I hear that jingle from now on. At least it’ll give me and my 10-year old son something to bond over. He thinks balls are funny too 🙂

  59. You are so silly, Jenny. 🙂 I recently wrote a post about talking food and then later that evening I noticed the green giant on a spinach package and I just had to laugh. Pretty sure I was just thinking about how he’s an alive food, I don’t think I was thinking about his sack or anything. (I am now though).

  60. Green Giant has a line of microwave-in-the-bag vegetable dishes that they call “Steamers”. I like them, but prefer not to call them that just yet…
    You have quite a lot of hair, for a mermaid.

  63. You can start with Green GIants sweaty peas and for dessert have Chef’s salty chocolate balls.

  65. Your post made me actually look up. I mean, look up the Jolly Green Giant Statue. And boy did I learn a lot. He is nowhere near the HQ of Green Giant — he is just designed as a pathetic tourist trap. I’m not sure which is more pathetic, of course, the tourists who might fall into such a trap or the tourist trap setter.

  66. I just watched “The Neverending Story” for the first time (I’m 47), and when the kid goes through the Sphinx gates, all I could think was “boobs!” I guess I more 11-year-old boy than he was…

  67. I was laughing by the time I got to Jolly Green Giant. When I was little I saw a JGG rag doll at the store and threw a fit til mom piled the cart with enough labeled cans to send for one. I went through 6 of them. Mom even made me a JGG costume for Halloween when I was 5. I don’t recall her giving me a potato to put in my tights tho.

  69. I don’t know how well known it is in Murica, but there’s this place called Grounds For Sculpture in NJ.
    All sorts of sculptures placed around this garden, including a giant mariachi (sp?) band that can be seen from the highway.

    Anyway, there’s a Madonna one in there and you can see up her dress. It’s full of cobwebs.

  70. Holy crap, I can’t believe I even made that mistake.

    Not Madonna. Marilyn Monroe, in her iconic flowy white dress.

    That’s terrible.

  71. This post is a perfect example of why I am addicted to your blog–I am not the only one who wonders about these things; I have a tribe!

  72. Huh. There’s a little lab coat dude, in a cage, hugging the big JGG’s ankle. Curious…why is he in a lab coat? Or is that a lab coat. Hard to tell over his exuberant facial expression…like he got a gander of that gigantic pair of Brussels sprouts directly above him.

  73. “Sweaty, green, oblong, huge, and wrinkled….but tender and with a special flavor.”
    Maybe that’s the reason he’s jolly?

    Plus, when I read this there were 69 comments. I giggled. A little.

  77. I remember that statue! We used to drive past it occasionally and would catch a glimpse from the highway en route to somewhere exotic like Mall of America. But my parents never stopped so we could see the Green Man up close. Now I feel like we totally missed out.

  78. I have driven past this statue a number of times on the drive from Minneapolis to Mankato. I will NEVER think of the drive in the same way. I will have something to look forward to when we head down for my son’s baseball games…..

  80. I think that statue is in Blue Earth, MN. I met a guy there and we started dating. He wrote a song about meeting me in Blue Earth. It’s rather cool. 🙂

  83. Already have the horror gnome. My 6-year-old god-daughter picked it out for me for Christmas. You can see she’s being raised right. We compromised on the name Ruslan Gnomy.

  84. I totally grew up in the town where that Jolly Green Giant statue is located. Each winter, a red scarf is wrapped around his neck to keep him warm.

  85. Wait. Who is the human in the picture? Did you even notice there’s another dude in the picture? Oddly he’s not looking up at the giant’s manly bits. Think about it – how many times do men have to avoid eye roaming in public bathrooms (well, how often do women THINK men have to avoid that) and then BAM! You’re right there and NOT looking up at giant balls? Sorry but any man I’ve ever been with would have looked up first. Actually, that right there speaks volumes. And I love the mermaid look on you.. especially with the curlers.

  87. Ok, I actually AM as messed up as you so I am LMAO. I would love to explain this to anyone who doesn’t get it… 😉

  88. As a child, I used to have awful nightmares about the Green Giant, chasing me through the woods and all I could ever see was huge green feet crashing down trees around me. My mom would pull the labels off the cans for me because it would terrify me. I’m so glad at 8 years old I did not understand what balls were….

  90. As a long-time Minnesota resident I have visited the Green Giant statue a few times. It’s actually quite difficult to see his ball sack because of how close his thighs are and the height involved. If I had to guess I’d say the lack of detail is due to some sort of giant green thong. Don’t get me started on Paul Bunyan’s ball sack…

  92. I used to drive by him all the time, but I never stopped. I did, however, once stop at the SPAM museum, which is also in MN. MN, apparently, has many wonderful things to make fun of.

  93. I really want to know who that man is at the bottom of the picture hanging onto Jolly mans shoe..he looks very happy to be in that picture. Find him, and all your green ball questions will be answered!!

  94. Aaaaaaand, now I have “Zombie Flamingo” as a recommended item on Amazon. Thanks again, Jenny, thanks again.

  96. True story: When I was a kid we lived across the road from Green Giant fields where they grew acres and acres of corn. My parents would sneak over at night with garbage bags and … borrow corn on the cob. Just enough to feed our little family of four. And maybe a few relatives. And possibly some friends. No one ever knew. Except that now I’ve just fessed up publicly and feel like hiding all of the Green Giant cans that are currently in my cupboard. I feel dirty all over.

  97. I went to college fairly near that statue. If you need me to go do a reconaissance mission for you, feel free to let me know. The Jolly Green Jewels are a day trip for me… just in case you need a follow up story with very scientific pictures. For science. Of course.

  98. I live in Blue Earth, mn where this statue stands and I have wondered the same thing!! Hahaha!!!!!!!!!

  100. I’m a therapist, and I just don’t think you’re messed up at all…just wildly, wicked, witty funny. Everyone’s a little crazy is their own unique way. I have written my next blog post about your post. Don’t know how to link back yet…so much to learn in the blogging world. But will get it linked back to you soon. Thanks for making my day with that!

  102. We’d always drive through Le Sueur, MN (the Jolly Green Giant’s hometown!) on the way to Grandma and Grandpa’s house in South Dakota. Seeing the HUGE JGG sign always told us we were getting closer! Thanks for making me smile today 🙂

  103. I used to drive by that often! It is actually in a town named LeSeuer in Minnesota. I have tried to see the green balls. It’s pretty dark up there……side note: LeSeuer is in a river valley, and when I was a kid (and sometimes still) I wondered if they called it LeSeuer because of all the Green Giant pee.

  104. I looked at the original JGG. Very scary. But he looks like he’s having a ‘special moment’ with the veggie he’s holding.

  106. This surprises me not at all, and was probably totally intentional. Innuendo was every-damn-where back then. We think of our forebears as these really uptight depression-era Victorians (and they like to think of themselves that way), but they are full. of. it. Two words: Mae West. I swear they produced innuendo back then just to pretend to ignore it. Aaaand that’s what I got from my history degree…

    Also: when we were in Oregon last year and came upon a giant (disturbingly Maurice Sendak-esque) Sasquatch statue on the way to Crater Lake, I of course had to pull over and take a picture of me standing under him and holding up his fur-covered balls. Because that’s how I roll. Which is to say, you’re so not alone in considering the testes of giant statues.

  107. I would imagine there are more pictures taking of his Jolly Green Genitals up his caveman wrap than there are of him straight ahead. Remember before iPhone cameras when we had to send film away for developing? Wonder how many weird looks the “up the skirt” pics would be from the Photomat techs.

  108. When I was in high school, I went with some friends to see Theodore Roosevelt Island, a wildlife sanctuary in the middle of Washington, D.C. Right in the heart of this beautiful park, there is an utterly creepy statue of Teddy R. that looks like some ruthless dictator’s monument to himself. We were pretty unsettled by it until we got close enough to the base to stare up at his crotch. There between his legs was an ENORMOUS wad made up of thousands of pieces of chewed gum. It seemed appropriate.

    http://fineartamerica.com/images-medium/theodore-roosevelt-island–memorial-statue-brendan-reals.jpg

  111. I’ve lost count of how many times your blig and the comnents g ave made me laugh until the tears streamed down my cheeks. But this one has got to be in the top five. I think you and the family should now take an RV road trip and you can visit all of North America’s unique roadside monuments and you can share your photos and thoughts. Please never stop wondering about these burning questions and writing about them!

  112. Ya know, I have passed by that giant many times on my drive through that town to visit my parents, and have never once thought about what was under his kilt, LOL>

  113. My family did a cross-country road trip from Indiana to San Francisco when I was a kid. We TOTALLY stopped at the gas station that the Jolly Green Giant is behind.

    My parents never understood my fascination with roadside attractions. This is what got me started. Of course, during the same road trip we went through Wall, SD, the EPITOME of the roadside attraction. Love it.

  114. The Jolly Green Giant lives in Blue Earth, Minnesota. I live in Minnesota, you should visit, and see the Jolly Green giant, Minnesota is home to many odd statues, and THE LARGEST BALL OF TWINE (MADE BY ONE MAN) that is in Darwin, Minnesota near where I grew up.

  117. I love you so much, Jenny Lawson. I want you to live next door to me. You are a ray of sunshine in my otherwise sweaty, green, oblong, huge, wrinkled day.

  119. And….I actually zoomed in on the Jolly Green Giant to see, if in fact, he did have giant green balls….

  121. I always thought “La Sueur peas” sounded like a sexually transmitted disease, so this post totally works for me!

  123. Bahahaha! This is so funny. He really should be wearing shorts though, the leafy man dress makes it kind of hard to not think about his long shriveled balls.

  124. AAAAAAH THERE’S A HUMAN IN THAT PHOTO TOO
    I just saw that and milk poured out of my face

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