Occasionally I visit the same store where years ago I bought Beyoncé the Giant Metal Chicken. Usually it’s all pillows and dog toys and wicker baskets. Sometimes you’ll find a largish metal lobster and once there was a full-sized horse made of wine corks and sticks, but it’s never anything that really screams, “HEY, I’M FUCKING INSANE“.
Until today.
He was magnificent, but even on clearance he was way out of my price range. I tried to convince the clerk that they should sell me the 11 foot giraffe for half the asking price but he was having none of it. I argued that I’d bought a metal chicken half that size for one fifth of that price but he acted like math wasn’t relevant. “THIS IS HIGHWAY ROBBERY” I may have yelled. I pointed out that the giant giraffe was leading the eyes of customers up to a water stain in the ceiling but the clerk just shrugged and said you can’t haggle in a department store. I was like “YOU CAN’T HAGGLE IN A DEPARTMENT STORE” and I guess he didn’t understand that he was being challenged because he was all, “Yeah. That’s what I just said.”
I considered accidentally falling into the giraffe so that it would be dented and get discounted even more but I was afraid he would knock over other stuff and all of the displays would fall like dominoes, trapping innocent shoppers. And also, I’m not up-to-date on my tetanus shot. And also he was really heavy and I could only lift one giraffe leg before the manager came and said “Can I help you. ma’am?” But he didn’t want to help me topple the giraffe or barter for it so I guess the answer is that no, no one can help me.
Also I felt torn because there were two of them and I didn’t really want to split up a family. You’d have to though because who needs two giant metal giraffes? That’s just hoarding.
I told Victor that if I had Geraldo (with a hard G) Giraffe I could use him whenever I needed to change out lightbulbs and couldn’t find a ladder. But he didn’t look entirely sturdy so I’d need Victor’s help. I’d be like, “Hey, I need you to hold the giraffe so I can reach the crystal chandelier” and then Victor pointed out that we don’t even have a chandelier and I was like “Exactly. And we can spend all the money we didn’t spend on the chandelier we don’t have on this giraffe.” Victor did not agree because he doesn’t understand how money works.
Frankly, I was surprised the store still had two giraffes in stock but the clerk told me that they were the only giraffes they had and none had been sold. I nodded and explained that it was probably because having two of them displayed together made them seem less special. Like having the Hope Diamond next to a Hope Diamond Junior. So technically the store should have let me buy the biggest one for a cheaper price because then it would be easier for them to sell the smaller giant giraffe because the person who bought the next one would be like “I JUST BOUGHT THE BIGGEST GIRAFFE EVER AND NO ONE ELSE HAS ANYTHING LIKE IT” because they didn’t have an eleven foot giraffe to compare it to. I’d be doing that person a favor because you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about buying an 8 foot giraffe, but if you have a 11 foot giraffe next to it that’s just inevitable.
It seemed like it would be worth it just to see the clerks have to carry an eleven foot giraffe out of the store and strap it to the hood of my car. Victor disagreed and started yelling about me “scratching the paint” but obviously I’d wrap the giraffe with towels first so it wouldn’t scratch the paint of the giraffe. I’m not stupid, Victor. But then he said I was missing the point and I guess the point is that he doesn’t want me to buy towels.
But it didn’t matter because they wouldn’t give me a discount and I’m not paying $500 for a giraffe that isn’t at least on wheels so I can take it for walks. I’m too selfish. Much like the people at this store apparently.
I argued that “you should let me have these giraffes cheaper because then you’ll have more room for more giraffes. Think about how many giant metal giraffes corporate will send you when they see you’re finally moving these. Next month you might get a life-sized t-rex. Or a metal full-sized oil rig. Or a metal version of this store filled with metal pillows and metal dog toys and metal wicker baskets.” Then the clerk just sort of looked at me like, “My God, she’s right.” Victor said his look was more like, “Holy shit, I’m going to have price these fuckers even more. Someone get me a sharpie so I can add a few zeros.”
So, no, I haven’t bought Geraldo yet, but I did invest in a bag of defective unicorns and Victor was all “You just LEAK money” but I pointed out that these unicorns are like 90 cents each. You can’t even buy a coke for 90 cents and these are magical unicorns. Victor pointed out that they’re broken unicorns, but I’m pretty sure I’m proof that you can be broken and magical all at the same time.
Victor couldn’t argue with that, but he did say I’m not allowed to call anything I buy “an investment” anymore. We’re agreeing to disagree on that one.
I’d say something but I still own a small fake onion with a chef’s hat simply because it was a gift from a friend in Ireland.
My brother-in-law just loves a good deal, which he usually stores in the garage so my sister won’t see how many good deals he has made. Recently she opened a bag and it was filled with Barbie arms and legs. Would you like to trade for those unicorns parts?
The unicorns reminded me of Laura from The Glass Menagerie, talking about, when its horn was broken off, maybe it wouldn’t feel like such a freak, and that reminds me of what I love about our Bloggessian culture— when we see the freakishness that makes our fellow Blogfen magical, we start to wonder if maybe we have something someone would like to celebrate. Maybe we are worthy of being loved after all and goddammit who keeps chopping onions around here? Love you guys. Freaks.
I can’t believe Victor still won’t let you buy towels.
I really want the unicorns. And I think Victor is just trying to exact a form of revenge for Beyonce being outside his office window. He’s denying Beyonce the company of Geraldo out of sheer spite. I hope he’s happy.
I’m pretty sure Victor was probably thinking “she’s girrafing me crazy”
and i’m sorry Victor, but you are crazy.
Why would you NOT want a giant giraffe?
JUST LOOK AT HOW MAGNIFICENT IT IS.
I was totally expecting to see pics of Geraldo on your doorstep. Do you think Beyonce’ would be jealous? That giant metal chicken seems to be a bit of a diva.
I would kick in $10 toward the giraffe fund. Heck, make it $12.
what the fuck, victor? what do you have against towels?!
You should go to Richardson’s in Gallup, New Mexico, biggest store in town (222 Route 66). They have the coolest life-sized spotted cow you ever saw. You can wrap it in Navajo blankets to keep from scratching the paint, they have those too. You’ll need a truck… a nice big pickup truck should fit all the stuff you’ll want to take home.
At the risk of making an enemy of Victor for life, I would totally put cash money down if you kickstarter this shit. #freeGiraldo
“I’m proof that you can be broken and magical all at the same time.” And that’s why we love you.
Long John Silver was missing his left leg (amputated near the hip) but that man is a magical pirate HERO. I would name a unicorn missing a leg after him, and that unicorn would sail the seven seas, have its own pet parrot, run a café, and escape to freedom with bags of gold. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rainbow margarita mix!
You need pretty high ceilings to fit those in the living room.
Step 1: steal some of Haley’s markers.
Step 2: color the unicorns.
Step 3: eBay
Step 4: “Investment, Victor. Investment“
“I guess the point is that he doesn’t want me to buy towels.” Isn’t this where the whole thing with Beyonce began?
just what does Victor have against towels? he seems to be holding a grudge. and i’m jealous that shops in MN are BORING and don’t stock metal giraffes.
Did you consider just taking one and running out of the store with it? Except, you’d get caught pretty quick because it wouldn’t be easy to run with it, you’d be waaaay too conspicuous even if you did manage to get away and……..well, anyway, we can’t advocate stealing, can we? 😉
It would not take a lot of effort to get your loyal fans to generate $500 for a metal Giraffe friend for Beyonce. Just sayin… 😉
I have this sudden urge to visit HomeGoods…
They should have GIVEN you the giraffe as thanks for the uptick in sales of giant metal chickens in their store and all stores. In fact, I think the makers of this Giraffe, if at all smart, should gift this to you because….HELLO ….PR people…it doesn’t get better than this – free advertising. And then you can buy some towels with the money you saved on not buying Geraldo or his little sister Germina. Win Win.
While Geraldo has a certain ring to it….JayG is the perfect name for a potential giraffe companion for Beyoncé!
oh my god i’m SO in on that kickstarter! we’d totally being doing it for victor’s benefit… he obviously has a deep-seated issue with towels.
You could tell both Victor and the store manager that you are merely fostering Geraldo until he finds a forever home. No one will ever buy him so he will end up being yours for free! This is called Magical Economics.
Tell Victor you deserve your very own menagerie of metal animals and that he should totally let you buy Geraldo. But he’s got to have a new name because that one makes me think of the guy who sang that cheesy “Rico Suave” song back in the 90’s:
so, saturday my husband dropped me off at a similar store (if not the same store but here in westford, ma) while he went off to the cable place. imagine my delight when i found beyonce the chicken (!!!) and how much i wanted to take her home for our garden. the thing is, i know my husband’s favorite word is “NO!” so i went to look at mirrors which was my original assignment.
husband arrived a short time later and says “i found something awesome for the garden!” my heart nearly stopped…he walks me over to beyonce (!!!!) and i’m all gushy saying “oooh, the bloggess has one! this is the PERFECT BACKYARD CHICKEN!” and he says “NO!” (told you…) and points at a metal bird house, same style as beyonce “not the chicken, the bird house!”
so now we have a birdhouse that will scrape all the feathers off the birds who attempt to inhabit it. i doubt that they’re up to date on their tetanus shots either.
you would have to buy both giraffes. they’d look great sharing a nice leafy tree in the yard. near beyonce of course!
PS: this line ” I’m pretty sure I’m proof that you can be broken and magical all at the same time.” So so true. <3
I’m liking that kickstarter idea. Kickstart it, find some casters to put some wheels on that sucker, and take him out for walks with Dorthy Barker and do some “volunteer work” making people smile 😛 (Since the people who fund kickstarter are supposed to get something back in the rules). OR: just go ahead for a “gofundme” version where you just get money and don’t have to give anything in return. OR do the kickstarter and let it keep going so that when you get enough money to buy the next giant metal animal (although at 11 ft, a giraffe is more like “life sized”), you can open a “free zoo” in your front yard! Because zoo’s really should have 3+ animals (or a paid zoo to assist in the addition of even more giant metal animals… ooh, the entrance fee could be another giant metal animal and then you wouldn’t have to worry about LOTS of people coming to your “I don’t like lots of people” house and your next patron could increase your zoo collection by 25% or something!) I’m so glad Victor doesn’t know me ;).
Hah! I love all of this – how your brain works, your marriage, your bargaining skills. Spot on.
And I have to be honest that I originally read this as “defecating unicorns” not “defective unicorns” …. I’m not sure which is better, but either way it was a little bit of a let down….
JESUS H. CHRIST, how are you supposed to decorate your home while rescuing giraffes from a life of what amounts to prostitution and do your part to make the world a better place by not tearing families apart with all this “logic” and “reason” crap? I’m appalled.
Who owns this store? Do they realize you’ve already made them FAMOUS? Or at least some of their inventory is famous? You should maybe tell the store owner that if he (or she,don’t mean to be sexist) just GIVES you Geraldo (CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP, YO!) that you’ll mention the name and location of the store on your blog. Your advertising rates have got to be worth way more than the cost of the giraffe. It just makes good business sense! Why does no one else see this?
Alas, working retail sometimes makes us lose sight of the bigger picture (like the value of sponsoring a blog with an 11 foot giraffe so people will come to your store like they’re on a pilgrimage to Crazyawesometown).
Seriously, start a go fund me and we will make the giant giraffe, Gerardo happen, along with his smaller partner who has yet to be named. We need this!
Jenny. I love you. And Victor. And your giant metal chicken Beyonce. You always make my day brighter. And for Pete’s sake, please buy that giraffe. Beyonce needs a friend.
I would think there could be an awesome throwdown between Geraldo and Beyonce if Victor wasn’t such a stick in the mud.
Jenny – Thank you for including the link to the Beyonce story. I read an excerpt of it in the Ladies Home Journal and fell in love. (With you and your writing. Not Beyonce. Either one.)
Take the unicorns to the store. Line them up along Geraldo’s back, like a tiny, very optimistic army. Maybe have some of them holding itty-bitty signs like, “GERALDO, WE ARE HERE NOW” and “WE KNEW WE WOULD FIND YOU” and “NOW OUR MISSION IS ALMOST COMPLETE” and “SOON OUR QUEEN WILL BE COMING FOR US.”
Then point all this out to the clerk. Explain that it’s simply destiny. Fait accompli! The Broken Unicorn Army of the Future has arrived, and we must not argue with it, lest we tear the very fabric of time itself.
I submit that the unicorns are merely “differently abled”. This in no way diminishes their magical qualities.
Sounds like Victor needs a solid lesson about finances. This is obviously a necessity.
Good Lord…you have an Archie Mcphee store?????? I’d be in there writing hot checks every day! My personal favorite thing that they had (years and years ago) was some glow in the dark vinyl squid, truly disgusting because you couldn’t even get the image out of your head by turning off the lights…still wish that I’d bought them!
Why is Victor being so unreasonable?? I’m sorry but you and Geraldo were meant to be together. You can tell by the tear in his eye.
I love it that you named him even though you did not buy him. It’s like he’s waiting to be adopted. Okay now I’m sad.
This store is a honey trap!
Magical though broken, a wonderful description, you bring the magic of laughter to us every day. Thanks Jenny!
Right now, I’m thinking you could make the bitchin-est mailbox stand in the neighborhood with Geraldo. Cut a mailbox-sized hold in his chest, jam a mailbox in there, and there you go. I’m sure there’s nothing in your covenants against it.
“Broken and magical” should be the title of your next book.
You should totally buy BOTH the giraffes and have a welder make them into a giant metal Push-Me-Pull-You.
I’m holding out for the T-rex.
if you start a go fund me for the giraffe I’ll contribute
You should offer then $250 for both, then wait them out. I know for a fact that they over produced these giraffes and flooded the market. At some point they will give in.
If that does not work, set up a charity so they can donate them to you and get a tax write-off; just like donating cars to your local NPR station! Because that is how charities work!
Victor should get a medal, or an award, or a medal with an award on it, or at least some free alcohol.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Beyonce happen because of towels? Victor really DOES need to learn to choose his battles.
“I’m pretty sure I’m proof that you can be broken and magical all at the same time.”
Truth. You are my hero, Jenny Lawson.
I mis-read that and thought you said “defensive” unicorns. I wouldn’t mind being defended by unicorns. All the more reason to buy them.
My husband’s best friend of over 25 years has the propensity to date really dumb women. Granted, they are usually very pretty and built like a brick shithouse, but dumber than a bag of hair. Sooner or later, he wants us all to “do” something together…which usually means he brings the bimbo over, drops it off in the living room for me to play with for a few hours while he and my husband take off to the man cave to drink beers, play video games and BF gets to brag about how limber the bimbo is. I cannot tell you how unamusing this is for me. A few years ago, I stated my unwillingness to play babysitter any longer for the tail o’ the month. (I love my husband’s BF, but only between wimmins). This latest one, however, he assured Jeff was REALLY smart…and he knew we’d have TONS in common. They were not there 30 minutes when she uttered this statement, “You know, I never CAN remember if a giraffe is the one with the long neck or the one with the stripes.” Significant looks were exchanged between me and my husband.
No, I do not remember why we were on the topic of giraffes. I DO know that 2 minutes later when BF suggested he and the hubs go take a look at a new game he’d bought, my husband gently but firmly declined.
I believe my friends purchased said giraffe. In Fredericksburg. I have photographic proof.
You have to buy geraldo then I can buy one. We even found a metal chicken in Hawaii this week. It’s a sign.
What if someone comes by and purchases the two giraffes before they go on special? you once passed by a goat (I think it was) for sale and when you went back to buy it, it was gone. Don’t let that happen again. $500 is not a lot if you amortize it over the life of a steel giraffe, say 10 years. That’s just $50 per year or $4 a month. That is a bargain for an 11 foot giraffe. That’s only one fancy coffee per month – and you could have an 11 foot giraffe , something no one else in the world has. And think of the friends he would make – all the folks who would welcome him to your home : Beyonce, Ferris, Garfield, Dorothy Barker, Hailey, etc.
This could be a turning point on your life Jenny – one you may forever cherish or one which you will forever regret. Geraldo the Giraffe is awaiting you decision – leave him all alone in a cold friendless store with no one to love him, or take him home to all his new friends and where he can live in a loving home, cherished for who he is and reveling in his new life.
First of all your statement “I’m pretty sure I’m proof that you can be broken and magical all at the same time.” may be the best description of human life ever. Also, you could put wheels on Gerald yourself. That way you could put really good ones on so Gerald can off-road cause there’s nothing sadder than a giraffe that can’t traipse around in the grass as nature intended.
Best post ever!!
Wait! How much was the 8-foot giraffe? Maybe you and Victor can compromise.
(a) I LOVE HomeGoods.
(b) Poor Victor has some serious towel issues. If he’d just work through those, it might actually decrease your annual HomeGoods expenditures.
(c) Geraldo is absolutely an investment. He could live outside with Beyonce, and you guys could charge admission to tours of your live metal animal park. When your visitors drive through the park, they’ll feed the animals with little bags of nuts and bolts that you sell to them at a very reasonable rate. This needs to happen. This is a metal animal conservancy issue.
I’ve convinced myself that they have the metal giraffe’s in the first place because of how many metal roosters they sold after that first woman wrote about it on her blog. so they are totally missing a great opportunity here. They should be GIVING you the giraffe because of your exceptional metal-animal marketing talents.
No lie here. My husband and I have been looking for a giant giraffe for our living room for ages. We were inspired by an April fools article http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/how-to-decorate-with-giraffes-201937
But you got the name wrong it’s Gerome. Or maybe that’s Gerald’s partners’ name and then they HAVE to move to Canada so they can be married and enjoy spousal benefits and free health care.
Children’s roller skates. For the giraffe walk. Just saying.
At least you didn’t break the bank with those unicorns.
OK, now we (or at least I) need to know the asking price for the giraffe!
Ohmygosh, I can’t stop laughing from reading this post. So many gems. It is just what I needed today, thank you.
The bag of unicorns epitomizes the Unicorn Success Club…I’m assuming the invisible cougars are in there too.
I’m sorry things didn’t work out with you and the giraffe, I’m crossing my fingers there’s a future for you still. I am a little confused. Wouldn’t a broken unicorn just be a horse?
I saw a giant (I mean, like as tall as that giraffe) metal horse at Home Goods last year. Rearing up hind legs into the air no less. Who buys this kind of crap? Wish I could upload a photo – you’d love it.
Weren’t you and Victor “discussing” towels when you found Beyonce? If I remember correctly, Victor didn’t think you needed any more towels, and you were not sure about your level of towel necessity.
I’m crying. Either from laughing so hard or the thought of all the metal giraffes that need adoptive parents and “the man” won’t allow it.
Omg, Victor is totally missing a golden opportunity!! Have your Dad put wheels on them and charge kids for Giraffe rides!! Y’all would not only make the money back that you spent on them but you’d seriously get rich because…what kid wouldn’t want to ride a giant Giraffe?!?
It’s a win-win!!
Are you committed to the hard G? Because I think you should name the pair Geraldo and Hizaldo. I’m sure Victor is anti-giraffe because he wants one of his own. But get them both: one aldo is for her, and the other is his. Problem solved.
I think Beyoncé needs to take a trip back to the store with you so she can stare the clerk down and make him uncomfortable until he agrees that she needs a friend badly and knocks the price down to a more reasonable level.
I too love Homegoods (and TJ Maxx) because they always have shit in there that you didn’t know you needed until you saw it. It’s like Santa Claus for adults. Remember how Santa always knew the toys you would like, even if you hadn’t specifically asked for it? It’s the same with Homegoods/TJMaxx.
OMG Broken, defective yet still magical describes me! I will treaure this post. 🙂
(Although miscellaneous bits of unicorns give me the heebie-jeebies.)
BeeTeeDubs, Geraldo (with a hard G) looks like a two headed Giraffe in that picture…which would have been completely amazeballs…plus, then $500 wouldn’t have seemed like that bad of a price because you’d be getting TWO giraffes…that’s only like, $250 per giraffe head and then they could have thrown in the body for free! I’ve watched enough American Pickers to know a bundle deal when I see one. You see? This is why I should have been your assistant. I could get you a free giraffe body. But…nooooooo…you’re not hiring apparently…hmph.
I sent the link for the magical defective unicorns to a friend and she was like, “The unicorns would be even BETTER if they farted glitter when you squeezed them.” And I was like, “YES!”. And then I said, “Same for humans too!” But then a few minutes later I realized that was the WORST IDEA EVER because if my son and husband farted glitter, our house would look like a perpetual rave party was going on. But without the electronic music.
Seriously, how much was the smaller one?
“I’m pretty sure I’m proof that you can be broken and magical all at the same time.” needs to be on a t-shirt.
Kickstarter, GoFundMe, whatever, I’m in!
And how is it even possible that a broken unicorn isn’t at least as valuable as a whole unicorn? Who decides what is or isn’t broken? Unique, they are all just unique. And wonderful.
Victor never lets you buy anything. So cruel.
How are you supposed to have a metal zoo without a giant giraffe? Throw in the TARDIS and red dress and you could charge people to visit and call it a religious retreat. It’s a win-win.
I need to know the name of this store lol!!!
I feel that really, the sign should have said “Clearance: 11 ft”. And they should have offered to gift wrap him and deliver to your house for free: he is so clearly yours. Please start a kickstarter so we can remedy the situation!
The giraffes belong by the pool/watering hole.
Also, not “broken and magical”–just magical, always magical. 😉
I think I’m going to start calling people a ‘defective bag of unicorns’ just to see them try to work it out.
Kickstarter. Give contributors buttons: “I helped fund the Bloggess’s Giraffe addiction.” Please. I’ll donate $20.
Yes, we are all defective…. AND simultaneously MAJIKAL! 😉 I am really, really loving that catalog clip of the bag of unicorns. 😀
Have you pointed out how much a pair of Chanel shoes cost? That Giraffe is a bargain. Men really don’t understand money.
Also, think of the children.
Where the hell is this store? And how many did they have to begin with? Just imagine if there were 30 of them scattered through the store and when you walked in you just saw giraffe heads poking out everywhere.
“Broken and magical at the same time…. ” that is exactly why I love you!
I googled “would giraffes eat chickens” and, surprisingly, got the nothing matches your search message. I think that means Geraldo and Beyonce would get along just fine. Sounds like it’s a GO.
When they said you can’t haggle at a department store, they LIE!! Especially for clearance items. I have done it before. Do NOT let Big Business (and Victor) keep you and Geraldo apart!
Also, I have had this on a loop in my head the last several days: “Stand by for an example of relevance.” These people do NOT know with whom they trifle!
Wasn’t the reason you bought the metal beyonce [which now im picturing a heavy metal queen b] because you were telling him at least it wasn’t towels?
Now I want to buy towels.
They are never soft enough.
I just love how you worked in Victor’s refusal to buy towels again. He’ll never live that down.
I’m thinking of adopting “defective and magical” for myself whenever I would otherwise think “infertile”. I don’t know how much it’ll help, but it’s worth a shot. One thing that does help is reading your posts. Seriously, thank you for bringing joy to my day. Just imagining you walking a wheeled Geraldo around your neighborhood is good for a smile.
Seriously, you should set up a special PayPal fund to rescue Geraldo from that awful store. I’m sure there are lots of silly people who would love to donate, especially considering he’ll probably make for some cool merch once you get him home. I’d kick in for that.
Wasn’t Victor not wanting you to buy towels the reason Beyonce has given the entire world so much happiness?
I would donate to the Geraldo rescue. No one should be denied saving a senior aged dog from the pound or giant metal giraffes from stores with water stained ceilings because someone in their family is being reasonable.
Like it or not, you’ve been nominated for The Versatile Blogger Award. nyinstant.wordpress.com/2015/04/21/eat-your-heart-out/
HomeGoods rocks. Mine once had giant metal giraffes but they were bronze in color and not all nice and painted like the ones you found. My store was trying to sell them for $800 a piece so I think you need to tell Victor that $500 is a fucking STEAL.
First a giant chicken and now a close to life size giraffe. I would love to have this store near me so I could shop there. This is a cool store. But really, Victor is still about the towels?
Courtney, thanks so much for Rico-rolling us. I should have known better than to click on that. ಠ_ಠ
I just bought a 500-pound solid cement statue of David, so I can’t say anything about the giraffe. Except where,exactly, is this store?
Just start a Go Fund Me Account and I bet you’ll have the pair by the weekend.
Of course, “Gerald the giraffe” would automatically have the right “g” sound…
Geraldo, besides being an obvious member of your family, is a sound buisness investment. And therefore a tax write off, no? I mean, clearly he will be on the cover of the next book, and you’ve already Blogged about him, and you are the Bloggess, so it seems to me you are kind of obligated to take care of Geraldo. He’s done so much for you!
Just don’t tell the IRS that you are using him to change Light bulbs. Unless of course the light bulbs are in your office.
Duh Victor. I mean seriously. What a bargain for such a useful item.
Because of you we made papercraft giraffes all day with my kids. Thank you, I needed to read this post today. You are the coolest
I wrote You A Haiku as an Ode to Your Father’s Hobby It is called “Road Kill”
Squirrel Knevel!
Do not run across the road
In front of my car!!
Caw!! Says the Raven
Do not discourage Squirrel
Tasty treat for me!
I feel like any store that houses clearanced, 11 foot giraffes should just automatically have a “Yes, to haggling” policy.
I have an idea to avoid paint scratching. Buy Geraldo (this shouldn’t be an issue because clearly this kickstarter idea is going to happen) and immediately attach the coasters or roller-skates to its feet which will be required for walks later and have someone tow him home behind a car. You shouldn’t be the one doing the towing, because I think you should be riding the giraffe home like a majestic steed.
Also, I think when this happens you should hire a sky-writer to write “AT LEAST IT’S NOT TOWELS” (I would suggest “KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER” but I’m guessing sky-writers have some kind of code of honour about writing giant swear words in the sky or they would never stop doing it) and time it just as you arrive home as a surprise for Victor. Some people may consider this overkill, but they are probably the same people who think being magical and broken are mutually exclusive.
I’m pretty sure you can cover the cost of a giant metal giraffe in one week with those “Broken and Magical” t-shirts. Because we ALL want to buy one. The t-shirt, not the giraffe. It wouldn’t fit in my RV. Point out to Victor that the Internet practically demands you have a giant giraffe.
I think you should leave them and stalk them in the store. Find out who in the world buys giant metal giraffes sincerely.
You need the giraffe, but more importantly he needs you. Have it delivered, and then get some heavy duty casters from the hardware store and give Geraldo his wheels. Victor just doesn’t want a lazy giraffe. Once he sees Geraldo gliding around the house sweeping down cobwebs all will be forgiven!
If you sign one I’ll buy!
I love that you manged to work towels into this. It provides a subtle yet solid link to the origin story of Beyonce.
Long time reader, first time commenter.
Perhaps you have heard of imgur.com, an image hosting site, and where most pictures posted on reddit are linked from. Their mascot is a giraffe. They have recently changed offices and are looking for art to add on the walls, namely works of artists who frequent the site. Though a giant metal giraffe is not particularly suited as wall art, it would make a nice addition to the collection of giraffes they have strewn about.
They are the sort of folk who appreciate humour and recognise a good deal. Maybe get in touch with them and offer the name and address of the store, and your diligent supervision of packing and shipping one of the giraffes, in exchange for them paying for the other. Everybody wins!
Well, maybe not the giraffes. A commenter, Amy from Canada (high five fellow Canadian) suggested she move them both to her living room where they could get legally married and get sick whenever they wanted because of the glorious free health care. And although that might be the best for the potentially gay duo, I think you and imgur both deserve a giant metal giraffe.
That way all your wonderful readers get to save their money and get a chance to donate to one of the projects you support on the regular, or get their own reasonably sized metal animals.
In admiration and recognition of your magic,
Team victor represent.
Can you please put up a pay thingy so that I can have pictures of Geraldo and Geraldine (hard Gs please) being the fantastic bookends to Beyoncé?! You need them because we need them. It’s our therapy. Victor is blocking the Internet having therapy. Also, you benefit. Also, two metal giraffes. Hello?!
How do you know the giraffe is a male? I mean, it stands to reason that if it (she) was standing next to a smaller giraffe, then she’s the momma giraffe. And only a terrible mother would raise her child in a Homegoods store (do you know how many KNIVES they have in the cooking shit aisle?) I think perhaps you should adopt the smaller giraffe, and save her (I hope it’s a girl, because girls are easier to potty train) from a miserable childhood spent navigating her way through the horrors of tacky rugs and mismatched lamps. Plus, she’s probably cheaper, which could give you an angle with a Victor. Also, you should name her Janeane. Janeane Giraffalo.
Oh my god. You need those giraffes. I need those giraffes, but shipping for a book from amazon to here is like $30 (which is why I don’t buy things from Amazon) so can you imagine what they’d charge me for an 11 foot giraffe and his 8foot companion?
“You can be broken and magical all at the same time.”
And THAT is your next t-shirt.
Don’t feel bad about splitting up a family. There are only 2, so they are a couple and they have their backs turned to each other, so they are probably in a fight anyway.
The unicorns are possibly my favorite thing ever.
Did you see the Handicorn at the store that sells bags of defective unicorns? You should get into hand puppet drama.
Okay, I must speak up for the sake of your safety. Regardless of paint scratching, the hood of your car is probably not the best part of your car to strap that purchase, I see driving visibility issues arising from that. Go for the trunk, or the roof, or someone else’s pickup truck. Keep safe.
500$ for such a giraffe? That’ a BARGAIN!!! I wanted to spend 2000$ for a giant chameleon ( http://www.kontur-pur.de/chamaeleon-gruen-outdoor-objekt-borowski-skulptur-p-272-3.html?shop_ID=2&sessID=epb3v59g1ahgis43hfi5evnjd7 ) but my husband didn’t allow me (well and there’s no room in our apartment). I’m so happy that you write that you didn’t buy it “yet” (which leaves some hope).
Tell Victor that this would be the perfect romantic surprise gift for, just because he loves you.
Where is the goFundme or Indigogo for your giraffe fund, cause I totally need to donate to it. You absolutely need that giraffe. And I need to give you some money so you can have it. This way we both win. And doesn’t Victor want us both to be happy? I think he does.
I think “broken & magical at the same time” needs to find its way to a t-shirt or mug. I’d consider it an investment if its part of “free Giraldo” campaign
Kick starter or indiegogo! That’s how you pay for this awesome ‘raffe! We’d love to help you out. Mwah.
Victor and Wolf shall never meet, thus sayeth the Imp. Cause they’re BOTH against giraffes. And giant metal chickens.
The shit you only find out AFTER marriage.
This has absolutely made my day. Also, had I just happened across that unicorn listing, I would totally have accused you of having written it … just like when I found that book review that you wrote on Amazon once. Geraldo and Beyonce FOREVER.
This has absolutely made my day. Also, had I just happened across that unicorn listing, I would totally have accused you of having written it … just like when I found that book review that you wrote on Amazon once. Geraldo and Beyonce FOREVER.
My message was so important that I posted it twice. You are welcome.
Metal animal petting zoo for children! Plus free tetanus shots when you leave. Because if you are like me you lie and say it’s up to date but it’s really not. I would get a shot if I was able to pet metal animals.
Bring on the GoFundMe campaign! #freegeraldo
Crowdfund those bad boys! I’ll donate $25 a pop if you bring both home! Gerald and Ginny.
Victor DOESN’T understand how money works. Also those clerks at the store are jerks for not haggling with you! You make an extreeeemellllyyyyy valid point about buying one just so that another person can “think” that they have the only metal giraffe. Don’t these stores “get” how to sell these types of items? Although I feel like maybe you DO have a lot of towels (from reading previous posts) I still think you deserve more so that the giraffes paint doesn’t get ruined. Also, how are you supposed to get an item this big out of the store? Carry it? Wheels would be essential!! I do not think you are crazy, I think the store is crazy for their price point (even on clearance) as well as Victor for not even considering the need for Geraldo. This post is EVERYTHING and just made my day!
I would totally donate to a “Bring Geraldo Home” fund.It is a good cause. In exchange, a video of the guy who puts it in your (rented box truck) car. Do it for the kids…and Geraldo, and of course the future towels that obviously you need.
There’s a computer program that allows you to take a picture of something and it will render a 3d version in paper. It them prints out the paper bits and you stick it together. If you had this you could make your own giraffe…and a lot of other things like a paper victor…extra cats…etc if you want to know the name of the prog send an email.
Hey, when do you think Victor will just let you buy towels? He might consider that an “investment”. Just sayin’. Also, my 11 year old got to feed giraffes at the Pike’s Peak zoo like 100 years ago (I don’t know, I’m a writer, I don’t math) and now he loves them and is begging ME for the $500 giraffes and I don’t even live in Texas. So, thanks a lot, VICTOR. If you’d let Jenny buy them, then I wouldn’t be explaining to a crying 11 year old why we can’t have a $500 giraffe.
Oh man, that’s gotta be Garden Ridge (?) If so, I’m immediately heading over to ours to see how many giraffes they have in captivity.
MANGLED. FUCKING. MIMES.
http://mcphee.com/shop/bag-of-mangled-mimes.html
We could have the MANGLED mimes ride the broken unicorns and make them go to the movies to watch Paul Blart 2 and then go home and make broken pancakes.
Jenny, I love you more than I love Archie McPhee and their defective unicorns! Also, I teared up when I read, “I’m proof that you can be broken and magical all at the same time”. I’m the only tattoo-free person in Austin, but I might just have to get that inked across my back. Or forehead. AND, if you don’t make a tee shirt that says that exact phrase, we will all be missing out and the world will be a little less awesome place than it could be!
You know they are never going to sell Geraldo, or his brother. They need to just give them to you to clear the floor space. I don’t understand the store clerk’s reluctance.
Doesn’t Victor realize how happy Beyonce would be with a friend? Really cold and heartless if you ask me.
When he was three, daddy took youngest son to the kitchen gadget shop to look for a Mother’s Day present for mama. That year, my present was a fake cabbage. I didn’t give it a name, but a few years later when we had my niece and her son stay with us, the boys used to take turns sleeping with the cabbage. Yes, of course they had plent of stuffed animals, why?
“Victor pointed out that they’re broken unicorns, but I’m pretty sure I’m proof that you can be broken and magical all at the same time.” The most important sentence in the whole story. You are magical! Now I want a big metal rooster, and a giant metal giraffe!
I now have a new catchphrase. #Aren’twealldefctiveandmagical?
Please tell me you are going to go back and buy him when he is on super clearance??
Because of you and Beyonce, my boyfriend bought me a metal pig and cat to go with my metal chicken, Jorge. We recently moved in together and they all live in the front garden bed which is what you see when you walk up to our door.
“I’m pretty sure I’m proof that you can be broken and magical all at the same time.”
I want that quote on a tattoo. Or a T-shirt. Probably a t-shirt. Tattoos are expensive.
I saw that giraffe in a store here. Immediately thought of you. So happy to see this post!
You need to wait for the TRex, because it would look awesome next to your TARDIS!!
& because roller skates would fit on a TRex.
Broken, yet magical. That should be on a sampler. Or a T-shirt. Or a business card. Or something, anyway.
I saw those and told my Mum about them. She said what would you do with them? I said put them in the front yard and be the lady with huge giraffes in her front yard! Duh!
You mean math IS relevant? Never seems to work for me😠
Sooner or later Geraldo is going home with you…I feel it in my bones. I just want you to post a picture of Victor’s face when he looks out the window of his office and sees an eleven-foot Giraffe. The internet will explode…
WHAT STORE IS THIS AND WHY DO WE NOT HAVE ONE IN FLORIDA?
Sorry for the shouty caps, sort of, but really, I feel kind of cheated. I live in Florida. We’re supposed to have the weirdest stuff – I think it’s in our constitution. It’s not fair you get giant metal giraffes and we don’t. Sigh. At least we have metal chickens. Now.
Seriously, what store is this? You can email me at CathySalustri(at)iCloud.com if you don’t want to use their name here.
This is why you shouldn’t have brought him to the store with you.
You realize at least one of us will probably attempt to start a kickstarter fund to bring Geraldo home, right? Because Beyoncé totally needs a sibling. And I’d love to see how Victor reacts to a giant giraffe ringing the doorbell. If anything the store should give him to you for free because HELLO FREE ADVERTISING. They obviously don’t realize how popular Beyoncé has become thanks to you. Love how you threw the towel comment in there by the way, well played.
#BringGeraldoHome
It’s a shame about the giraffe I think Beyoncé needs a friend. Also, where can I get a bag of defective unicorns???
So, have you told Victor you need more towels yet? He might just throw money at you for the giraffe instead.
Life is short. Buy both Giraffes, Name Geraldo’s friend “Guillermo”.
I’d throw in a few bucks with the rest of your fans because we love you and want you to be happy. I’d ask Victor why he doesn’t want you to be happy.
I feel your pain. I have a collection of plushies that I have been investing in for longer than I have even known my SO, but every time we move (and that’s been every 2-3 years, mostly) he tries to convince me I need to get rid of all of them or a lot of them or at least some of them. But but but they’re plushies and pretty and soft and don’t take up -that- much room and I have refrained from obtaining any of the really big ones I have coveted and I have gotten rid of some of them a few moves ago, I even got rid of some on a move before I even met him. And he says, but where will we put them? and I have to find a place because we just moved again in March to a much bigger place so I could get them (as well as a lot of other stuff) out of the storage we have had to have since we moved up here (Canada) from California (my job moved us) and got the smaller place that was only supposed to be for a year or so but stretched to 2.5 years. We’re in a bigger place, we can have a guest room that’s mostly only for guests and I will put up a shelf in there to have my plushies, too. Or I can put them in my workroom that I can now have because we have enough space in this place. And I have been good, really, I have only bought like one a year for the last few years, well, mostly only one a year, I think. When I pared down before, it was just the ones that had no real names or I couldn’t recall where I got them and so didn’t have a story. The rest, they all have -reasons- I got them. Really! Plus, I know that I can’t donate them anywhere since they usually don’t accept cloth ‘toys’ because of the potential for disease or bad things because most plushies don’t take to kindly to washing. So, if I got rid of any they would be going to a fiery end and that’s sad. It’s bad to consign a friend to flames.
I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love you.
I love you. And have you seen this TED Talk by the Psychologist who turned his kid sister into a unicorn? (Well, he did it before he was a psychologist, when they were both kids.) http://www.upworthy.com/brilliant-harvard-psychologist-explains-how-to-achieve-long-term-happiness-in-this-popular-ted-talk?c=ufb2
That giraffe DEFINITElY needs wheels–who wants a big giraffe that you can’t take for walks? (also that would make him easier to shoplift, not that you’d ever consider it, but I’m just sayin’…)
My three year old adores giraffes. He got a five foot tall stuffed giraffe for Christmas that he calls the mommy of all of the other giraffes. This morning my ten year old asked the three year old where the daddy was. He said he didn’t have one. I’m thinking an eight or eleven foot tall metal giraffe would qualify as a daddy giraffe. Now I just have to convince my husband. 😉
As far as the defective unicorns, if you give a couple away you could probably write them off as a business expense.
I’ve never seen anyone so disinclined to make a good investment as Victor!
You could send defective unicorns to your donors this making the investment thing happen!
I would totally donate…you may need more unicorns
If Victor ever realizes the true value of this investment can I please come feed Geraldo metal leaves? It’s the ONLY item on my bucket list (feed a mother fucking giraffe – actually worded as such) but every time I go to the zoo to do it SOMETHING interferes!!! Sorry, the giraffe exhibit is closed today, we don’t feed the giraffes in the winter (that conversation got odd when I asked why the giraffes were forced to starve all winter), you JUST missed feeding time, we aren’t feeding because she just had a baby (again…I argued that this is why she needs MORE food in order to keep her milk supply up and maybe I should feed her some fenugreek along with the standard “leaves” I was asked to leave) then there was the “lady we don’t even HAVE giraffes” and I promptly left because what PROPER zoo doesn’t have giraffes! So, if you ever do get blessed in purchased Geraldo. Can I PLEASE feed him? Pretty please?
I want one of those giraffes. Can’t they do bogo on it? We both can have one that way.
The unicorns could only be made more perfect by the proceeds from their purchase going to a charity. They wouldn’t have sold them anyway, so why keep the money? If every store sold what they would otherwise chuck out, and donated the money, that would be great.
Yanno, your loyal and rabid readership (literally-I’m pretty sure none of us have gotten our shots) can probably Kickstart you the capital for your Giant Metal Zoo. But then Victor would probably get mad they weren’t fertilizing the lawn or something.
Buy them both and put them at the beginning of your drive way. That way they could be all like “Welcome to Jenny Lawson’s home.” Or if Victor drove into the drive way “See Jenny was right. We are very cool and welcoming.”
I thought it said “Detective Unicorns”! Just think of the mysteries they could solve!
Note to self – You’re shopping in the wrong fucking stores.
Please tell me you’re starting a go fund me so that we can help you get this much need member of your family!
Holy shit, Jenny! I had nearly the exact same conversation with my mother the other day. About a giant metal giraffe. Possibly in the same store in an alternate universe. Or maybe just the same store in a different state. Either way, there was no Victor in our conversation. Because neither my father nor my husband were there. So basically it was me playing The Bloggess Part A, and my mom playing The Bloggess Part B, and the store clerk being just as much of an asshole as your store clerk. Conclusion: the giraffe remained at the store until the store clerk has some time to mull over what a good deal it is for him to give me the giraffe at a discounted rate.
Also, Victor needs to get over his hatred of towels. There are more important things to worry about. Like giant metal giraffes finding good homes.
I want to know where you find all this marvelous stuff!
The people in the store are absolute idiots. These were the only 2 giraffes they ever had and they had to put them on clearance to try to sell them. STILL not sold, even though you made a valiant effort. Give ’em a week or so – they’ll likely still be there and even cheaper. Hell, they may offer YOU money to get them out!
When you described the “defective unicorns,” my first thought was “I want to be a defective unicorn!” If that isn’t strangling, I don’t what it.
You NEED to make a magical fairyland unicorn hospital or some such for these guys. Or heck, just the fairyland (no iron) where defective unicorns can run/limp/crutch/wheelchair free from the stares of their more judgemental brethren. It must be full of flowers and moss beds and happy trees and pixies and…..I sorry, I am currently trying to find some good books on fae (that don’t involve massive amts of violence and romance) so I tend to get carried away.
Can’t wait to see what you come up with! And don’t forget to harass (I mean convince) the store manager that it is really in his best interest to open up all of the floor space available for new product by selling you Geraldo.
I NEED a giant giraffe!!! And you could totally put wheels on that baby and take it for a walk! It would only be the greatest thing ever!
I would most definitely donate to the Geraldo the Giant Giraffe GoFundMe account.
Holy Crap! I’ve been reading you for like 6 years now? Is that even possible?
Where is the group funding to free the giraffe! We will totally kick in money to help pay for him.
OMG I used to work for that store in SC as my 3rd job. The company discount was great but even with the company discount some of the awesome stuff, ie: metal Giraffes or a random sculpted fish I nicknamed fruit loop with its fish body made up of vibrantly colored rings of metal awesomeness, most of the stuff at the store is ridiculously overpriced. And yes they hate discounting. Unless you come in everyday for 2 weeks to complain about a price and then yes the management will finally break down and give a whopping 10% discount to customers……. yes that has happened….
I’ve always loved reading your columns, but after “I’m pretty sure I’m proof that you can be broken and magical all at the same time.” – that’s it, put me down as Devoted For Life to the Bloggess!!! <3
I saw a small metal chicken today in a store and almost bought it but couldn’t. I mean, really. I can’t hold up to Beyonce.
Please kickstart this. We will get you both giraffes. You know we will.
I want to know why it is only in Texas that HomeGoods sells cool stuff. We have all boring stuff in Colorado. Not that my husband would have tolerated a giant metal chicken or a giant giraffe in the house either….
For the love of all that’s holy… “broken AND magical” needs to be applied to a t-shirt and/or coffee mug (proceeds to go toward the purchase of a gargantuan metal giraffe). But the best-ever application would be to a towel, given to Victor to give to YOU, to carefully wrap your giraffely purchase.
Have you been to Frazier’s in Hempstead? (Intersection of Hwy 290 & Hwy 6). It’s your kind of place! You can get any kind of animal there, real or otherwise, in concrete, plaster, metal. An they have a snack bar, so you can spend the day! 🙂
Am I the only member of your posse that is ready to form a pool, betting on how soon Geraldo is in residence on the Lawson Lawn?
You need Geraldo. And his life partner. And some roller skates that you can put on their hooves to take them for walks.
I think we do the gofundme or whatever, make the purchase of Geraldo , and have him shipped to the house with a big red bow and a card that says, “To Victor, with love, the Unicorn Success Club”
Just sayin’
I’d have assumed Victor was a bigger fan of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
We should really go shopping together. We have the same taste in metal animals. I love shopping at that store and I’ve really wanted the same giraffe. I have a tendency to be talked into, as well as talking others into, purchasing unique and what I feel are necessary items. Of course my husband doesn’t feel that a metal giraffe is a necessary item. What is up with these guys? p.s. bless you for saving the defective & magical unicorns. 🙂
Eureka, y’all! Here goes:
It’s time for the Corduroy bear book to get a reboot. (Seriously, was I the only one picturing poor Geraldo sleeping in that dark department store, his head right next to that suspicious stain, awaiting the love of Jenny and Hailey to come rescue him?)
If we make it a choose-your-own-adventure story, then all us magical defectives who choose Geraldo getting adopted by the Lawson family get sent straight to the crowd-funding page!
We can totally make this dream a reality.
Somehow, I don’t think there is a huge market for enormous metal giraffes. Just wait them out — pretty soon they’ll mark both of them down to cents on the dollar and you’ll be able to afford to buy BOTH of them (because really, do you want to separate two besties? Or should that be beasties?)
A bit broken, but still magical is my new motto… this entry was brilliant!
Bookends, or you could put one each at the end of the driveway, or put them in the living room and hang a hammock between them, climb one to clean ceiling fans. The possibilities are endless.
wait, why DON’T you of all people have a chandelier, in that rad house of yours? Why doesn’t your gently rounded staircase of all-the-pictures-hung-so-nice have a chandelier? Or do you have a skylight there instead? Is there a way to combine the two, into like, a chandelier that charges with the light from the skylight? A changelight? Skydelier?
I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s obsessed with metal yard art. There’s a shop I drive by in Austin that has a zebra AND a life-sized T-Rex. I want both.
There is a giant metal giraffe for sale on Etsy for $50,000. That makes these giraffes a bargain at twice the price although you should still haggle. For me, its all about the win so I would be at that store every day until they probably just gave me a giraffe.
I think Geraldo is a perfect investment! And thank you for making me giggle, even when I don’t want to! I come here to laugh and commiserate. Today, you helped me with both. Our family collects giraffes of all sizes. We have a 4 foot giraffe in our family room that wears all sorts of funny hats, depending on the season and his mood. Our youngest son passed away 4 years ago at th3 age of 4 and loved giraffes. The collection started for him, when he was still alive, and has become a project for our whole family and our friends. We try to out do each with the most ridiculous giraffes and all of them are displayed in our home. We even have a giraffe bench in our garden. So now, the question is, where can I find this awesomely perfect spectacle of a giant metal giraffe. Because, I need him. For realz!
What a freaking majestic creature.
Imagine the laundry you could dry on that Giraffe???
You NEED this giraffe. If Victor won’t agree, then perhaps you’ll just have to buy the unicorn head sold at the same store as the magical broken unicorns in a bag.
This one: http://mcphee.com/shop/magical-unicorn-mask.html
I’m just trying to wrap my head around the possibility of just how many travel destination magnets could be stuck on that giraffe. They would have to discount it just so you could start saving the money for the travel fund. It would be non-stop world tours just to cover the neck! Covering 11 foot metal giraffe in travel magnets-added to the bucket list!
I SURRENDER!!
OFF WITH MY HEAD!
The Queen of Artful Logic has been deposed.
Nice coup, babe!
EEEEEE! I want that giraffe!! He’d be an awesome addition to my backyard (not many giraffes here in Ohio).
I think you need to make a shirt with a defective, magical unicorn picture and the saying “Proof you can be both defective and magical.”
Also, maybe you can leave your name/number with the store, and tell them when they decrease the price again to give you a call.
There is a store in Omaha in the old warehouse district that sells metal sculptures and they have a chicken just like Beyoncé. I think you should check them out. I saw the chicken and tried to convince my boyfriend he need it for his front yard. The neighbors would love it! But we couldn’t figure out how to get it in the car since we had to drive back to Denver. They have all kinds of animals.
You should check out getting a metal working workshop. Its fun to do and pitch it to Victor that you could make your own metal animals and it would be a good investment for the future of both your lawn, your creativity and you could make some money with it if you decided to sell the potential metal creations. Think about the different animals that you could create….. including the giraffe that needs a tutu…… Money saver right there.
Want to hear my giraffe story? When we bought our house, the listing said that giant giraffe in backyard doesn’t stay on property. Obviously the proper response is wtf? What giraffe? And why can’t I have it? There is a hundred year old elm tree in the back of this postage stamp size yard. And there was a giant giraffe sculpture with it’s head in the tree. I saw it, I wanted it but no deal. The previous owner was a sculpture artist. They couldn’t load it into a moving truck, so they gathered four strong people, each grabbed a leg and walked the giraffe to it’s new home (about 6 blocks away). Now that would have been a sight to see! I wish I had taken photos so that all these years later I could share with you. I feel your giraffe envy, your giraffe needs. I’ve been there. And I’m full of empathy.
So I shop at those stores all the time and finally they got a Beyonce in stock I wanted to buy it but 2 hours later I went back to the store and some one had purchased the chicken…I got weird looks from every one when I asked if they had anymore Beyonces in Stock heehehe
DIBS ON THE T REX!!!
Is there a trap door in the giraffe’s belly? Is this a Trojan giraffe?
See… THIS is why I come back every single day. Thank you Jenny!
If folks are looney enough to Kickstart (?) homophobic pizza makers, I’m game to contribute to my favorite girrafophile. Beyoncé and Geraldo – oh, the makings of a metal menagerie!
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I just got a 6 foot metal giraffe for my birthday , you can see her (named her Stella) on my dog’s twitter page @ twitter.com/quincybreaux. I still think she is giant, magical and special even though he is shorter than your friends.
So, I saw this today and totally thought of you.
http://www.pleated-jeans.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/picdump-1351-7-1.jpg
You should think about collecting all the metal animals you can find. Put then in a coral (corral? you know the fence thingy to keep animals in..I’m not a damn farmer!) Then charge $5 a person to see the “Magical Metal Posse” Seriously this is a GOOD idea!! I’m almost kicking myself in the ass for not doing it myself.
You need to find the manager and just explain that he would need an idiot to pay 500 for one of those and only a fool to buy one at half that price…and the chances of finding two fools ..well the math could not be done…so tell him you have one person who is fool hearted and will take both those giraffe’s off his hands for 250 and his search for an idiot and a fool are over. He may just give them to you to get you out of his office. A Store clerk can’t make any decisions about price changes..you need a manager…well you have a manager…Victor…but you need a store manager in this case. I think you have it in you to own a giraffe before Monday morning.
Every day on our way to and from work we pass a store that has a life-sized red rhinoceros on display. I am convinced it would add to the value of our apartment but my boyfriend is not so sure (he’s still skeptical over my pet snail, but really snails are awesome pets) Anyway, I’m never driving so haven’t been able to pull over to properly inspect the rhinoceros… My boyfriend is away for a couple of days next week though…
I use to work at a TJMaxx and I can promise you that those giraffes (give them a few months) will go down in price. Wait for a yellow tag sale and they’ll be like $100 a piece.
give it a little time .. you know the price on those are going to go down and then you can surprise Victor with both of them outside his office window for only $250 … and maybe some towels too!!! 😉
I don’t think you can split up the giraffes; they look like Push Me – Pull You.
“Also I felt torn because there were two of them and I didn’t really want to split up a family. You’d have to though because who needs two giant metal giraffes? That’s just hoarding.”
WRONG – That would be Herding. Wouldn’t Victor be happy you found a job for Beyonce?
however, you can now say…”it’s like when you want a giant giraffe and get defective magical unicorns instead, ya know?” so that counts for a lot in my book.
I understand the deep seeded need to surround yourself with various and assorted fake animals. My mother, for instance, drove from San Diego to Laguna Beach when she received her first paycheck out of college. Laguna Beach was home to the one and only Pottery Barn back then. She had seen a ceramic panda bear cookie jar on a previous visit. She still tells the tale of the trip and her euphoria in buying that dumb panda cookie jar. It has been on prominent display in our family’s kitchen my entire life. And to the best of my knowledge, has never ever actually held one cookie – or – anything edible ever. I fear it will be my inheritance one day…….
If you get the big one, I will totally get the small one. But only if Victor will deliver it. Since clearly he knows all the ins and outs of getting a giant giraffe home safely.
Two giant giraffes is NOT hoarding, it’s making the perfect statement entrance to your driveway.
If you come to San Diego, CA I’ll make sure you get a chance to visit with Russell. He’s a 17 foot tall walking electric giraffe and he has been to the White House. My friend Lindsay made him. http://electricgiraffe.com/
First shark blow jobs, then giraffes tribbing. (I know I’m awful. You don’t have to tell me that I’m awful.)
I want the phrase “Dumber than a bag of defective unicorns” to catch on. Or, failing that, “Eat a bag of defective unicorns.” wanders off in thought
Homegoods sells different things in different regions based on local tastes and I think Jenny is singlehandedly ensuring that all the giant metal animals are shipped to her local Homegoods rather than any up here in the Northeast. Thanks a lot for hogging all the good stuff…
You have a kindred spirit in Saskatoon, SK, Canada
http://www.thestarphoenix.com/news/saskatoon/Giant+giraffe+yard+oddity/11016462/story.html
http://www.thestarphoenix.com/Giant+giraffe+yard+oddity/11016462/story.html#__federated=1
Check it out – right here in my hometown of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada (try saying that 10 times fast!). It’s named Gerome the Giraffe after a popular Canadian children’s show from the 80s so this giraffe is pretty much a celebrity.
You need to buy Geraldo! BEYONCÉ IS LONELY AND NEEDS A FRIEND!!!
I know I am really late to the party here but …. I saw that giraffe 3 weeks ago at one of the DFW stores and I yelled out “I NEED THAT GIRAFFE!” at the same time Mr.Spouse yelled out “JENNY NEEDS THAT GIRAFFE (and no you can’t have it, Tori. Leave it for Jenny)”.
So you see, it is meant to be yours. Just like the giant rearing driftwood horse they had for a while was meant to be mine. But Mr.Spouse denied fate. Sigh.
So I was already dying of laughter reading this (because I recognize the store in those pics and work for that company, and the idea of the clerk adding zeroes to prevent more metal things coming in is hilarious). Then I got to the part about how Victor didn’t want you buying towels and I lost it. Tears streaming down my face, the whole nine yards.
Why? Because now I’m picturing an eleven foot giraffe peering into a bedroom window. You know, after you added wheels so he’d be easier to move.
Where was this giraffe at? My wife read this article and now I must find her this giraffe.
thanks
(Home Goods. San Antonio. ~ Jenny)
So my mom actually has a giant giraffe in her living room. Why? No idea. She named him Dempsey, which is oddly fitting.
The defective unicorns are an amazing marketing move. Can we all start selling metaphors and symbolism now? Seriously though, I’ve been feeling sick for most of this week so thanks for brightening up my Saturday night. 🙂
Would I be able to possibly use your line “But I’m pretty sure I’m proof that you can be magical and broken at the same time”? Because I’m a writer and that inspired me a ton. Thanks so much
Well, I read that as “defecating” bag of unicorns. THAT would make them even more valuable and “investmenty” because everyone knows unicorns crap out magical rainbows made of glittery diamonds.
I really need to find this store. I’m pretty sure it’s within driving distance from me.
My cousin, Sandy recently expressed a need for a large metal giraffe for her yard and my search led me to your post. She’s in good company and the search for large metal giraffe had been interesting. They are pricey though and Google searches can be misleading. I got so excited when I saw one for 100% off! You can’t beat that! But them I clicked on it and it was just a book. I was so excited I didn’t see it was “Giraffe:: a novel”. And I don’t think it was really 100% off at all. But maybe this is a sign from the universe that we should read this giraffe novel. Anybody read it? http://www.cheapprice.sale/giraffe-metal?origin=google&google_params%5Bmatchtype%5D=b&google_params%5Bnetwork%5D=g&google_params%5Bdevice%5D=m&google_params%5Bcreative%5D=102101649508&google_params%5Bkeyword%5D=giraffe%20metal&google_params%5Badposition%5D=3o3&google_params%5Badgroupid%5D=27134772388&google_params%5Bcampaignid%5D=613846548&bs=a4d13501_fce6_4529_978b_ca0f83c87f5b&google_params%5Bfeeditemid%5D=&google_params%5Btargetid%5D=kwd-745500333&google_params%5Bloc_interest_ms%5D=&google_params%5Bloc_physical_ms%5D=9028315&google_params%5Bdevicemodel%5D=&google_params%5Btarget%5D=&dest=0&sys_id=0%7C144&gclid=Cj0KEQjwxqS-BRDRgPLp0q2t0IUBEiQAgfMXRD16m1U1Zsz6kCnqSFFhbG9LN6_1yNhPGwdOJD0kMXgaAjR28P8HAQ
Oh my god. Sorry about that enormous link. I had no idea.
And to think we whizzed by 2 pink unicorns in South Carolina yesterday without stopping to check the price on them, if they were even for sale. They would have made great companions for two giraffes.