I always feel sorry for magician doing tricks for people with ADD because whenever I’m off my meds and I’m watching magic I always get distracted and forget what’s going on halfway through, and then the magician reaches into his hat and there’s a rabbit in there and I think, “Wait. Was there not a rabbit there before? Because I honestly don’t remember how this started.” So I just pretend to be impressed and hope that that was the trick.
Basically, I’m like those serial killers who don’t feel emotions so they just become really good actors so people won’t suspect they’re psychopaths. Except instead of plotting murders I’m just hoping that the magician doesn’t ask me to pick a card because there’s no way I’ll remember it and I’ll just say “Yes, that was totally my card” no matter what. Magicians are wasted on me. We should probably set up really terrible magicians with very easily distracted people and then everyone will be happy.
************
And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:
Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:
- Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal (Everyone told me to read this and they were right. So, so good.)
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by my talented friends from UnPodcast: The Business Podcast for the Fed-Up. It is awesome, entertaining and it is free. The only way it could be better is if it also increased your metabolism and made you a mojito. Which it might do. Hard to tell. Listen to it while you work. I highly recommend.
You are the perfect audience member then, even if you are a psychopath 🙂
When the magician saws the lady in half – you can be fairly confident she didn’t start out that way.
I’m horrible at Magic. I could get that job 😀
Lamb is a truly awesome book! So glad you liked it, too! His summary of Jesus’s sermons is both hilarious and true!
I read Lamb a few months back and it was great! I loved it.
I read “lamb” a few years ago, and immediately read the rest of his comedy books- highly recommend ‘the lust lizard of melancholy cove’ as well. Christopher Moore is Hilarious! (as are you :D)
Years ago, a friend recommended that I read Lamb. I loved it! It is still my fav Christopher Moore book.
I’m totally impressed with magic every time I see it. But then the face that we see and how is it that works, along with color perception and all of life, in general, is pretty much like magic anyway. It doesn’t take much to impress me.
*fact The fact that we see, but faces, too I guess.
I would do the exact same thing….”I think I had a 2 of Hearts…but who can really be certain?…”
Does Victor yell, “Squirrel!” to distract you from his shenanigans?
Well this was very umm… random? You always make me think outside the box, Jenny.
I ALWAYS look every week to see what you’ve been doing, and then I get weird pop-up ads for the next couple of days. So thanks for the laughter and the taxidermied squirrel!
You HAVE to read the rest of Christopher Moore’s books. I really loved Blood Sucking Fiends and the ones that go along with it. Coyote Blue is really good too.
I was reading these comments and thinking “Why did all these people like Lamb? That book was terrible!”
And then I realized I was thinking of a totally different book that WAS terrible… and maybe this one’s okay. I’m just hoping there’s a lamb with a sword on the front because that’s really how I pick all my books.
The Easter Bunny explanation was my favorite part of “Lamb”. Not sure why that part stuck with me?
Also the bloodshed of Unicorns is not a joke! Maybe if they were having a tea party?
About that ADD thing – yeah, I get it completely. My problem is that I work from home a lot, and when the boss calls us all into a teleconference, I have to pretend to listen. The moment he says “what do you think, Doug?” I panic.
“Absolutely” can be the right answer, 4 times out of 10 (or more, or less, I’m not a mathematician). “I don’t know, boss – what do you think?” almost never works because 6.92 times out of 10 he’s already offered his opinion.
Hanging up and re-dialing back in is probably the best bet. Maybe. I think they can hear when you drop the call, so maybe that’s not a great idea other.
It’s as if you were born to become a cappuccino! Seriously, that looks awesome 😀
I’m sorry….what was your write up about???/ There’s something in my washing machine spinnin’ around that I have to get out and I don’t know how to open the lid because it is one of the new washing machines that LOCKS up as soon as you turn it on and then you can’t open the lid until the washing is finished. There is something in there!!! I gotta get it OUT NOW! btw…I can relate. GREAT ARTICLE! T:)
If you loved Lamb and you like Shakespeare, or even if you don’t, you should totally read Fool by Christopher Moore…LOVE it!
Christopher Moore is a flippin’ genius. Psychotic and weird, but genius. Lamb is a huge favorite, but Fool (based on King Lear) is probably my favorite, along with Sacre Blue. (I own all of his books.)
I hate magic shows because you know it’s not real. Because magic isn’t real. They’re just rubbing it in your face that Hogwarts doesn’t exist and all your dreams and wishes will never come true.
I’m chiming in with all the other Moore fans: read moore! 😉 Bloodsucking Fiends is one of my faves, but I still love Practical Demonkeeping. The man’s clearly a lunatic, would fit right in here.
💟 Christopher Moore! Fluke’s my favorite.
If you liked Lamb, try his Fluke, and Fool, also, A Dirty Job. I can’t remember the title of the one about the color blue, but that one was good too. Fluke, Fool, and A Dirty Job, however, are among his best.
Incidentally, you all should also read all of Christopher Moore’s books, not just “Lamb.”
Lamb was the first Christopher Moore book I read, as well. Then I read his vampire trilogy. Then I just read everything he writes because he is laugh out loud hilarious!
You should watch the video of David Blaine with Harrison Ford: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rB0wzy-xbwM
Lamb is a great book. If you want the best Zombie Christmas story ever, read his The Stupidest Angel. I was crying because it was so funny.
Totally with you on Lamb. My husband laughed out loud when he read it. Just like he did with your book. Especially the vagina parts.
I love Christopher Moore! His books are really fun in audio version too.
I thought Lamb was pretty decent, but when I got to the last two books of Moore’s vampire trilogy, Bite Me & You Suck, I have never laughed so hard while reading a book. Abby Von Normal is the most hilarious literary character I have ever encountered!
Last week I posted on Christopher Moore’s page telling him he should check out your blog! Lamb is one of my favorite books, and you’re one of my favorite bloggers.
“Basically, I’m like those serial killers who don’t feel emotions so they just become really good actors so people won’t suspect they’re psychopaths.”
Gold, Jerry, gold!
Thank you, Jenny, for always lifting my spirits with your particular brand of madness/genius.
I feel even closer to you now that my gallbladder has tried to kill me, like yours did you. But I promise not to get all psychopath-ish or stalker-y. Carry on.
This is what happens to me when I lose the train of a conversation in Spanish (I am not quite fluent) and then people start laughing or looking sad or mad. I just laugh along with them, or look sad or mad, even though I have no idea what just happened. Does that make me a psychopath serial killer too?
Even better than Biff? THE STUPIDEST ANGEL. It’s a Christmas story with zombie. The best of Christopher Moore in my opinion.
My fiancé doesn’t have ADD, but he does have allergies, and when they get bad its essentially the same thing but with asthma.
I truly have the same issue with magicians. And comedians. I lose track of what they were talking about and then I don’t get the joke. Wait, what were we doing? This isn’t Walgreens?
In the middle of Lamb right now. It’s fantastic, but so is anything Christopher Moore. 😀
I’m just going to feel superior here for discovering Christopher Moore before you. I’m doing a little dance. Probably you can’t see it. Still counts, though.
So glad you liked Lamb! Christopher Moore, AKA The Author Guy, is my all time FAVE Author! Read A Dirty Job next! If you like, I will send you a copy 🙂
I’m sorry, what?
great
I read Lamb several years ago – my first Christopher Moore book – and loved it. I’ve recommended it to many people. However, the others I’ve tried don’t really live up to Lamb.
BTW, I was disappointed with the unicorn/minotaur shirt; I expected pictures, dammit. The “easiest path” pic is hilarious. How do I keep missing these tweets?
I had no idea Christ had a childhood pal. That’s awesome.
And now we all need you and Christopher Moore to collaborate on something. Seriously, it would totally be worth my head exploding from joy. (Do you hear me, Universe?? THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN, STAT.)
Lamb is my favorite book ever. Except maybe Good Omens, but I’d be hard-pressed to pick between them if the universe depended on it. I’m sort of boggled that you haven’t read it before now, though, because if ever a book said “Hey Jenny, you should pick me up and read me because I am MADE for you” it would be Lamb. Or maybe A Dirty Job (which you should also read because it’s full of reanimated taxidermied animals wearing Shakespearean costumes). Welcome to the Author Guy fan club, though. Pro tip: he is not your monkey and may get rather cranky if you ask him to perform in any way, so use caution in asking him to organize pens or hold a rubber band ball for you. Unlike certain Bloggesses who actually put tights on their heads TWICE for fans, because she is awesome. And possibly also has poor boundaries.
Sooo…what you are saying is, if I decide to become a magician, I should have my audience be just you and then I will KILL it.
I love Lamb! And you!
I also loved “Lamb”.
I just read the following short story on the science fiction website Tor last week and I thought of you. I wasn’t sure when I’d let you know about it, but when I saw you mention Lamb on this post I figured now was the time.
http://www.tor.com/stories/2015/04/ballroom-blitz-veronica-schanoes
Also, after spending months riding to and from work on the metro, I read your entire site. I enjoyed it all. I also enjoyed your first book (not on the metro) and I’m looking forward to reading the next one.
Finally, thank you for being you and letting us get a peek in to your life.
I actually hate magic. I know it’s fake but I get really mad that I can’t figure out how they did something.
Back in the seventies I was chosen from the audience at the Magic Castle in Los Angeles to be part of The Amazing Kreskin’s act. He wrote a number on a piece of paper, showed it to the audience (but not me) and put it in a locked safe. Then he projected numbers to me mentally which I wrote down on a slate with chalk. Then I had to add the numbers. I am THE worst person in the world for that job because math and I are not on speaking terms, but I did it and showed him the total. He got the paper out of the safe and the numbers were the same. I went off the stage in a daze to loud applause. Later, when we were walking out of the theater, Morey Amsterdam, of “The Dick Van Dyke Show” fame who’d been in the audience, came up to me to tell me how much he liked what I did. I don’t know if it was magic or ESP, but it was amazing.
Lamb is one of my all-time favorites! I love all his books… And you should totally read his vampire love story series… They are very funny.
I’m glad you’ve been introduced to Christopher Moore, he’s warped in just the best ways. My very favorite is The Stupidest Angel (A heartwarming tale of Christmas terror). Still makes me laugh out loud. It’s the third in a series after Practical Demonkeeping and the Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove. Just remmember: “First we feast, then IKEA!”
If that’s the first Chris Moore book you’ve read, do yourself a favor and read all the others too (except Sacre Bleu–you can skip that one). He’s one of my absolute favorite authors, and a very nice guy. Plus, one of his recurring characters is a fruit bat named Roberto who wears sunglasses. I feel like you’d be down with that.
I used to date an amateur magician who was also easily distracted. Once, when he was practicing some sleight of hand moves and having a conversation at the same time, he made a coin disappear and even he wasn’t sure how he did it.
EVERYTHINGGGGGGG by Christopher Moore is golden. It took me a long time to get into Lamb, but I love the way all the stories overlap.
Thanks for the shout out, Bloggess, and to everyone for the kind comments. I’ve been a Bloggess fan for a long time, and we both have a thang for goofy stuff animals, I think. (Check out the profile pics @TheAuthorGuy on Twitter.)
(I just squealed a little. True story. ~ Jenny)
A few nights ago, while watching a movie I can’t remember (surprise! I have ADD,) my husband told me that it was like watching a movie with a 3 year old. I get up like 15 times during a movie. He pauses it every time, which I tell him not to do, because he want’s me to pay attention to what’s happening and follow along. I can’t do that, because…ADD. Thank God for the new season of Game of Thrones. I’ve read all the books, so I already know what happens. He thinks I’m actually paying attention (I’m not) because I know what’s going on during the show. I can leave my poor brain to it’s rambling ways, and we’re both happy.
wouldn`t it be really fun if the magician were ADD also and had short term memory loss as well and could not remember where he placed the damn rabbit
Omg I love lamb too! Especially when its grilled. psst can i join the cool kids club now
The Bloggess and Christopher Moore should co-write a graphic novel and Greg Stone (http://the-zombie-penguin.myshopify.com/) should illustrate it.
I love everything that Chistopher Moore has written! You, too.
Love Lamb! I read it while studying religion in college. It really does utilize a lot of religious history. turns out Jesus’ name was actually Yesuah which does indeed translate to Joshua. Jesus’ real name was Josh yall. Praise Josh!
I LOVE The Gospel of Biff. I can’t recommend the audiobook enough. I usually listen again around Christmas and Easter. It’s as religiously valid as only going to church those 2 days a year!
See? Told you he’s a nice guy. And OMG I can’t believe I forgot about the squirrel people…
I’m pregnant, and therefore off my ADD meds, and I am absolutely in agreement with you on this. The serial killer/actor thing? My coworkers have no idea.
I wander off for just a moment, and BOOM! I’m behind by nearly two weeks…. gah.
Anyhoo, getting all caught up now (and I know you read these, even if they show up late).
CHRISTOPHER MOORE CAME BY PERSONALLY TO SAY THANKS! Deargawd, I may need to go rest now. (He’s so awesome. Sometimes, late at night, we tweet. And I nearly die from the grandeur of it all.)
Julie (the witchy one, in Oregon)
The bloggess AND Christopher Moore. When worlds collide and the explosion is FULL OF AWESOME. I am beyond giddy, you both rock. HARD! WOO HOOO!
Reblogged this on Making It Up As I Go Along – Trying To Think It Through and commented:
Yup, pretty much.
Pretty sure that makes you the perfect audience member!
We have a kick-ass magician on our street who can turn oranges into watermelons and I’ve kept my beady little eye on him trying to see how he does it but i still can’t figure it out.
WITCHCRAFT I TELL YOU