WELCOME TO NEW CANADA, BITCHES.

in International incidents, Random Crap

So last night I couldn’t sleep so I became the President. Hang on. Let me share the events as they unfolded, live:

[protected-iframe id=”c91383a2724db743ef5e757d0115ba32-58006636-1561224″ info=”//storify.com/TheBloggess/i-am-the-best-president-canada-has-ever-had/embed?header=false&border=false” width=”100%” height=”750″][View the story “I am the best President Canada has ever had.” on Storify]

(I can’t figure out how to make the whole story appear here so you have to click on the above link and then come back to read the rest.  Sorry.)

You may be asking yourself, how did this happen?  Was it because America needed a hero?  Maybe.  Was it because I’d been drinking?  Slightly more probable.  Was it because of my socks?  In a word? Fuck yes.  Technically that’s two words but when you’re the President you’re no longer limited to the surly demands of math and logic.

You might be thinking I’m insane but LOOK AT THESE FUCKING SOCKS I BOUGHT:

WHO'S INSANE NOW?
WHO’S INSANE NOW?

And a good President shares her booty with her people so I’m giving you ALL magical socks.  And by “all” I mean “three of you” because I can’t buy socks for everyone.  Money and socks don’t grow on trees, y’all.  At least not until I get the scientists of New Canada working on that.  Want some socks?  Leave a comment with a suggestion of my next presidential decree and I’ll randomly pick three of you to get socks.  Unless the scientists make a sudden breakthrough on the sock-tree thing.  Then it’s socks for everyone.

My favorite is "Three days of cramps make me a bad-ass."
My favorite is “Three days of cramps make me a bad-ass.”

PS.  I’m going to need a cabinet.  Then I’m going to need to fill it with liquor.  Then I’m going to need the other kind of cabinet.  The political type.  And I think it’s only fair that it be filled by you.  Pick a title.  Secretary of Cat Wrangling.  Ministry of Bacon Variants.  Or if you can’t think of one just get assigned one from the Random Title Generator for the Church of Bloggessianism.

PPS.  I just noticed that Wikipedia has removed the Church of Bloggessianism as a religion, which is fine but I really don’t appreciate your tone, mister.

You could have made your point without the "obviously."
“Obviously invented.”  Pretty sure all religions are technically “invented”, but whatever.

This aggression will not stand.  Or it will stand if I get distracted, which is very possible because I forgot to refill my ADD meds again.

PPPS.  I forgot to announce the winner on my  book tour post so I’m doing it here. ManicMom, check your email.

PPPPS.  Victor is actually in Canada right now for a workshop.  He just texted me:

peameal bacon He has not responded.

PPPPPS.  I just looked up “peameal bacon” and apparently it’s back bacon rolled in cornmeal.  There are no peas in it at all.  Even spellcheck was like “Nope.  That’s not real.”  WTF, Old Canada?  How are you doing everything else so well but fucking up so hard on bacon?  It’s fine.  I’m here now.  Let’s get to work.

649 thoughts on “WELCOME TO NEW CANADA, BITCHES.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You can be president, OR you can be the leader of the Church of Bloggessianism … but you can’t be BOTH … because of that whole church-and-state thing … although, armed with those socks of yours, I’m guessing you can just do away with that rule. Fuck it. All hail President Lawson. In the name of the Bloggess. Amen. Or something.

  2. Please issue a presidential decree mandating daily naps and dark chocolate. And Fuck This Shit socks must be worn daily as a condition of citizenship!

  3. I will be Secretary of Inappropriate Laughter. I excel at that. And the country needs someone at the top of her game. A role model for nervous gigglers.

  5. All Unicorn’s are considered sacred and not one shall mine their horns for home remedies.

  6. I thought you said you needed a cabaret, not cabinet, the first time I read this. Pretty sure you need to install one of those in your office so you can do your real, best, governing work. I would like your consideration for the position of Cabaret Chief Whip. Whips are a real thing in Canadian politics.

    (I need a cabaret too. ~ Jenny)

  7. Regal Loose Cannon of isopod Fundamentals – best title ever!!!!!!!

  9. Well, you’re already doing better than previous Presidents. None of them offered to share their booty with me.

  12. As a Canadian (old and new) I would like you to decree, oh wise master, that the extra ‘u’s in neighbour, favourite, honour, humour etc can go the way of peameal… in the rubbish.

  14. As president of New Canada, you can decree that peameal bacon is now called “punishment bacon” and is served to criminals in prisons.

  15. I’m gonna be Queen of the Stone Age and you’re going to decree that we should all eat bacon and chocolate every day. (I want the “I gave a fuck. once” socks, because they’re awesome!)

  17. This needs to happen. Really. What can we do to make this happen? Free all kinds of bacon when you win? That’s a campaign promise I can get behind.

  18. With this many bacons your administration needs a Librarian. Make it so.

    Sincerely, The Baconbrarian

    PS, I love the “vague feeling of whatever” socks. They will go very well with my sensible librarian shoes.

  19. Please decree Mariachi Bands on every subway platform. There’s no way you could get to work unhappy.

  20. I believe your cabinet should be called “The cabinet of people who ARE NOT Jimfbleak”

  22. Obviously, your next decree needs to be that money and socks shall grow on trees. My cabinet designation? Tequila.

  23. So, if you ring us to tell us we’ve won the socks, is it a Presidential Booty Call? I’m pretty sure I need these socks to wear with my Lawsbian Pride shirt.

  24. Please decree that iced tea, unsweetened, brewed be available at ALL restaurants.

  25. Please declare that mermaids are real and hereafter are considered legal citizens of New Canada. 🙂

  26. I would love to be the Secretary of Inappropriate Comments cause yeah, sometimes that happens. Oh and I agree with the official sock being the one that says Fuck This Shit! Your first official decree should be to cancel Mondays. They suck

  27. I was just saying the other day about screw the rest of ’em, let’s vote Jenny Lawson. I’m going to be the Glittering Overlord Of Supper Accidents and Tripping, because I’m always at one or the other. I’m your yes-(wo)man all the way. Your newest decree should be: Free Interwebz for all, because dammit, this is the 21st century and why isn’t it free? You kids and your lousy wanting us to pay for everything all the time.

  28. Officially decree that a nap a day is mandatory – whether it be during working hours or not. Or make work not a thing. Either or both of those, please.

  29. Regal Superintendent Of Basking Shark Admonitions reporting for duty!!

  31. I want to be Secretary of Interior Digestive System Design. I have no idea why — that’s just where my brain went.
    Also, I think you should decree the the Church of Bloggessianism is the only church allowed to practice within our borders. And we should all be required to wear unicorn horns on Sundays & greet people by tapping our horns.
    I’m just sayin’. It makes sense.
    I’d love me some “fuck this shit” socks.

  32. Please decree that the official mascot of New Canada is Sasquatch and make sure everyone knows that they like to drink vodka and eat cabbage rolls.

  33. Yay for New Canada! Eh?
    So i voted, and i voted in royal tortillas….& titles
    I’m. The. Regal Arch-Princess Of Tiger Swallowtail Butterfly Travel, Eh?

    I think that we need a better sport than hockey.

  34. Ok. I think naps should be mandatory. Daily naps! And chocolate delivery every month for free. That’s just common sense.

  35. As your Brilliant Chief Of Daikon Weaving I suggest your next Presidential decree is “A sock in every pot and peameal bacon in every garage.” I guess you could make it peameal bacon in every pot and a sock in every garage, but that seems a bit silly. I mean, people’s socks will get cold if you keep them in the garage, and that just defeats the point of socks.

  36. Legal Duke of rhinoceros Snogging

    That is my title. Although, I suppose it would HAVE to be the LEGAL Duke, as an ILLEGAL Duke would never tell you.

    Anyway- you should decree that all of Canada is now habitat for rhinos, except for the really cold parts. Or- we could make sweaters for the rhinos. That would work.

  37. As self-declared Minister of New Canadian Canoodling, I think your next decree should be to retire the bald eagle from its duties – they really should focus on fishing anyways – and install the giant metal chicken as new official icon.

  38. POUTINE FRIES. They’re good for that, anyway. Fries with gravy AND cheese. At first glance I was squicked, but then I tried some and oh good goddamn they are tasty.

  39. Your next decree should be mandatory, PAID Spring Break for adults. I don’t know why only students get that–we need breaks too. And this is in addition to any paid vacation you already get, not instead of.
    In your cabinet, I am the Furious Superintendent Of Ladle Walking. Why am I furious? Because the ladles decided to get up and start walking? Sounds like I should be terrified, not furious.

  41. As a citizen of “old Canada” I can tell you most of us despise “peameal bacon” and love real bacon, including back bacon. And if you haven’t tried back bacon then you are toates missing out!
    Otherwise, I would love to be the official ‘Cabinet of Liquor’ High Priestess!

  42. Well, the first thing is to ban jimfbleak from New Canada for removing a valid religion. And I would like to be the Lieutenant Grand Poobah of West-Western New Canada. Someone else can have the glory of Grand Poobah. I just want the title. Kind of like California’s Lieutenant Governor.

  43. I will be Honorable Commando Of Gazelle Culture. My first duty is to ensure that gazelles go commando at all times. No pants for you gazelle!

  46. I will be secretary of I Can’t Get Out of Bed Because I’m Too Depressed But I Love Y’all Anyways.

    Next presidential decree? All scientists must now begin working together to cure mental illness because I can’t stand this anymore.

    I apologize for being a Debbie Downer. It’s all I’ve got in me today but I really want free socks.

  48. Your next decree: Victor must buy any and all taxidermied critters for your Presidential Palace that you desire. And he must text you back within 4 minutes anytime he receives a text from you.

    I’d like to be Goddess of Grammar, please. Pretty please.

  49. I want to include Chief Wimsey Officer on my card. My office would be GLORIOUS!!!
    First Decree: Ban linkbait: You’ll be shocked by what happens next!

  51. Oh Jenny, you can decree anything you want but please make sure that you find an appropriate job for our present overlord Mr. Harper…..superintendent of litter boxes or maybe Latrine Manager. We would all be eternally grateful to have him employed in something suitable…..Prime Ministering has not worked out for him as well as he’d like to think it has. And welcome, love the socks, love the idea of your cabinet (s) and cabarets.

  52. I would like to nominate myself as Grand High Overlord of Free Time Fridays, as soon as you decree the new 4-day work week. My office will be on the beach, any beach, and one of my most onerous tasks will be interviewing cabana boys. And I’d like that on a business card in time for my class reunion.

  53. I’ll be the Minister of Change Your Own F&*&ing Toilet Paper Roll because I’m sick of doing it for everyone else in this house. Unrelated: I would suggest the decree “Change the toilet paper roll when it’s empty”.

  54. You should decree that milk in bags is OMG SO WRONG WHY DO THEY DO THAT HERE. No, I can’t explain why I hate it. It’s just weird and squishy and seems like it just wants to burst and spray milk everywhere. Oh yeah, and I need socks!

  55. Wondering how to fit ‘Cabinet Minister of pretending to listen to boring work crap while really watching cats be mean to dogs online’ onto a name plate. CMOPLTBWCWRWCBMTDO….not feeling it.
    Plus I’m old Canadian and none of us ‘really’ like back bacon…gauntlet thrown.

  56. Decree that there shall now be universal cheese-care. Because cheese.

  57. Can I please be Secretary of Awesomeness? I will review all applicants and decree them Awesome, Nearly Awesome (Keep Trying) or That Shit’s Not Funny.
    Either that or Honorary Overseer of Kevin Bacon (hey, it’s bacon-related!).
    You should decree that reading “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” and “Furiously Happy” are pre-requisites for citizenship.

  58. I think your presidential decree should be that the presidential seal will now feature the likeness of Beyonce the Metal Chicken with the words “knock knock, mother fucker” underneath. Seeing that on anything will make the enemies either wonder “what the fuck” and leave quietly – or be so taken back with fits of laughter that they would change their minds wondering “how could we hate anyone with a giant metal chicken?” Either way – it’s a win!

    PS: I have told my husband I must have Blue Q socks. Any company who uses the word “fuck” so often on whimsical socks must be supported – early and often.

  59. I would like to be the Custodian of the Disrespected U’s (sorry Kristine but I refuse to abandon the U’s I found in the Chronicles of Narnia as a child. Grey shall also be the only spelling.) SAVE THE ‘U’! 😀 Fond of the vague socks.

  60. Apparently I am your new Distinguished Premier Of Jelly Accidents. So that’s happening.

    Your next decree should be Jelly donuts for everyone, some of them should be gluten free so nobody gets left out. If I’m in charge of jelly accidents, I’m gonna need there to be jelly accidents. Jelly donuts are the best jelly accident you can have, right?

    (Also, Jesus Effing Christ I have tried to post this 4 times now but wordpress HATES me today. It’s probably because I quit blogging last year. I’M SORRY WORDPRESS, I JUST DON’T HAVE THE TIME.)

  61. I want to be minister of naps before someone else snags that title. And honestly I’m too tired to come up with a new decree, maybe tomorrow.

  62. Decree that there shall be universal cheese-care. Because cheese.

  64. Those socks are fantastic. I am buying them for two friends birthdays and hope to win mine 🙂
    Hoping I win El Presidente. Or some such.

  65. So many options. I suggest making nap time, or siesta time if you prefer, a mandatory thing. People would be happier if they got to take Presidentially sanctioned naps during the day. Also, more holidays please.

    As for cabinet spots, I’d like to be the Minister of Naming Crayon Colors. I think that’d be a swell job.

  66. In New Canada, the Taxidermy Unabashed Recognition Department (TURD) will be truly solidified. Tanning cream for everyone!

  67. I don’t need socks, lol, so don’t pick me. But I do want a place on your cabinet. I’d be happy to be your official Hoax & Satire News Checker
    I’ll also be the unofficial Cabinet Meeting Sharer Of Bacon Cooked In Water To Make It Crisp

  69. Presidential decree: “I just can’t even deal with putting on clothes, today, never mind everything else” is now not only an acceptable reason to call in sick, put qualifies for paid sick leave, even in jobs without benefits.

  70. Holy hell…please decree that if our work day begins early (up to an individual’s interpretation) in the morning, we get to be done by 2-ish in the afternoon so we can go home and take a nap before doing all the bullshit adult things we’re responsible for.

  71. I shall be the First Minister of Whimsy and Magical Feckness. As someone who lives in Old Canada and right across from Detroit, I feel I possess the necessary understanding of both worlds to fulfill my duties. I also believe in huge metal chickens and taxidermy to heal the world, along with swearing like a mother fucker. Thank you and Goddess Bless New Canada

  72. I want the socks SOOOOO bad! I know you said random, but pleeeesaaaaase randomly pick me for the socks.

    I would be a great Executive Secretary Of Peameal Bacon for you.
    Resume:
    I like bacon.
    I eat things rolled in cornmeal.
    I like the sound of “Executive”- it means I get to execute people, right?

  73. As the Sublime Predicant Of Munch Promotion, I decree that everyone should have as much time to read books today as they choose. Or they can waste their time other ways. Mainly people should leave them alone. Unless they don’t want to be alone and then they should find someone to be not alone with. Obviously, I have no idea what Munch Promotion means.

    (YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT. ~ Jenny)

  75. Hey, not only do I have a cabinet that is chock full of liquor (vintage liquor at that – it’s all from the 60’s and 70’s), I also have a vintage Tiki bar. I will gladly take any cabinet position you offer.

  76. Also you need to know that one time I was on vacation in Canada and I ordered a pizza with Canadian bacon and they brought me a pizza with crumbly real bacon on it and I realized that Canadians don’t even know what their bacon is and so I’m pretty sure they need your leadership.

  77. I will be the official secretary of introverts. We will spend our time planning how to promote the understanding of introverts while sitting at home, quietly, reading a book. And those socks rock! What a wonderful way to have a secret giggle at the world without anyone knowing why. Pure awesomeness.

  78. As president you should forgive all student loans. Then we can start buying into the economy again and the American dollar may be worth something. I mean Obama bailed out all of those banks so…. No I’m not an Obama hating republican. I actually kind of like the guy.

  79. red dragon here, at your service, m’ lady! your church just gave me the title of “Recognized Czar of marmot Winking” and i like it so BOOM, send the socks!

  80. Can I please be the Cabinet Minister for Food-Related Emergency Road Trip, I find awesome food dives that you don’t even have to be completely in the bag to enjoy. Your first presidential decree should be that everyone needs to learn the difference between your and you’re, as well as the difference between there, their, and they’re, once and for all…because I’m a judgmental bastard when it comes those kinds of things.

  81. As president, the Bloggess shall open an exotic animal library, where all Canadians are able to check-out said animals for a 24-hour period.

  82. Peameal bacon used to be rolled in ground split peas, but they’ve since changed to cornmeal.

    The more you know

  83. As the Exalted Premier Of Gelatin Concepts, I believe you should add some more heads to Mount Rushmore…maybe a metal rooster head…or a mouse dressed as a president.

  84. In the new Canada, there must be a public happy space where people can go to play with kittens and puppies and drink wine while wearing the most comfy yoga pants.

  85. I have to say that I can’t WAIT to start in my new position as the “Infallible Instigator Of Newt Cleaning” in your new administration. I Googled “newt cleaning” to get some specifics on what exactly I’ll be doing day-to-day in my job and the first images that came up were for Newt Gingrich. Whoa Nelly! I need you to clarify which kind of Newt I’ll be cleaning. Because honestly I CAN NOT get on board with bathing an elderly (probably cranky) former statesman. Nope. Just nope. Small animals. Yes please.

    (Since you are infallible then you can clean whoever you want and no one can question you. I suggest declaring Benedict Cumberbatch a newt. He’d be fun shampoo, I bet. ~ Jenny)

  86. First off, pretty sure there is nothing wrong with any form of bacon. Kudos to Canadians for being more creative with it than us. I think you should decree that “I don’t give a fuck” or any form thereof, is a valid excuse to leave work. At any time. No questions asked. Because really, not everyone loves their job. This would totally help.

  87. Could you annex England/Scotland while you’re at it and order JK Rowling to start writing the next Harry Potter book? That way you can also overthrow the Queen and claim all her jewelry. Everybody wins. As a bonus, your daughter would now outrank Princess Charlotte. The possibilities are endless. Princess Dorothy. Prince Hunter, etc. Victor can rule Canada for you since he’s already occupying the territory.

  89. I think one of your decrees should that the traditional “Here Comes The Bride” song played when a bride walks down the aisle should be replaced with Bootylicious and LET ME EXPLAIN, I haven’t been to 1 wedding since that song came out that I HAVEN’T requested it at and it is ALWAYS a crowd pleaser. And let’s be honest, the ceremony is never interesting so let’s get shit started early…

    (Be my best friend. ~ Jenny)

  90. As a Canadian I can tell you that peameal bacon is just back bacon rolled in cornmeal that gets all sticky when you are trying to slice it before cooking. Tastes great but messy when raw. Another good thing about Canadians is that we have maple flavoured whiskey. And really everything is better with maple syrup. I need a pair of those socks. I have asses to kick and just plains socks to do it.

  91. Is Victory anywhere near Ottawa? I can argue with him for an evening if he’s lonely. My hubby would be there too, so you don’t have to worry. 🙂

    (He’s in Hamilton, I think? ~ Jenny)

  92. as “Honorable Officer Of Wok Discipline” i vow to always pet every cat i see

  93. Decree: I think you should move to add Mexico too. I mean, why not? they have better drinks & food and you live so close already. I know, I know we already have a New Mexico, but it’s not known for anything but Walter White & blue meth. So next decree is to change that name to Fake Mexico or maybe just leave it Blank, no one cares. And then annex NEW Mexico because passports are bullshit.

  95. i have dubbed myself Supreme Bitch of Books and Bacon. I just gotta first set of BlueQ socks yesterday. They are fabulous!

  96. A new decree that everyone should have free socks because fuck socks costing money

  97. My randomly generated title is Grand High Overlord of protein Manipulation. That seems a bit too pornographic for a cabinet post…

  98. As your new Honorable Chief Of Utahraptor Winking, I’d have to say we’ll need a Wink Like a Dinosaur Day. Probably also a Walk Like a Dinosaur Day, but I’m sort of thinking that already exists.

  99. Prominent Instigator of Eel Weaving
    Must go diving and get some more eels!

  100. Please grant me the title of Secretary of Ruined Souffles. Or Minister of Honey Badger Bad Assery. If I’m wearing the “you’re not the boss of me” socks, I can rock either title at your earliest convenience, your worshipful highness of New Canada.

  101. shit. you said you wanted a suggestion and i was so excited about the damn socks that i only left a normal comment. hmmmmmmmmmm. my suggestions for your next presidential decree is for you to lower the damn gas prices. i know, i know…not funny. BUT, just imagine how much fun we could have with the extra money we would all have?!
    also another suggestion would be for you to mandate it acceptable for us all to use capital letters whenever we want. or to NOT use em. sEe?
    xo

  102. I’m just here for the socks.
    Your next decree should be to proclaim me as winner of the socks. Thank you.

  103. I want to know who decided that the Church of Bloggessianism isn’t a legitimate religion. Is there a test? What are the criteria? You’d probably be better off as President anyway.

  104. Presidential decree?? NO MORE ARTHRITIS! It sucks ass, yo.

    (Amen, sister. ~ Jenny)

  106. As Grand Dame Mistress of Kombucha & Anti-Bullying, I recommend a degree in which all who are caught referring to trans folks by the wrong gender must wear a paper bag over their head and use the pronouns “coffee, coffeepot, coffee bacon” for one (1) year.

  108. Well I am personally thrilled to welcome you all to the Canadian family and am fully in favour of your takeover as president. You will make politics significantly more interesting 😉

  110. I am the Overseer of the Enchilada Bunker. Please decree that the work week and weekends will be switched in duration. Accompanied by a raise.

  111. the reason that Wikipedia cancelled your entry is so that you can make Bloggessianism the OFFICIAL NATIONAL RELIGION of New Canada! Before there was a terrible legal tangle no one wanted to fund. Oh! And Project Night Night is most funded charity in New Canada. And mental health is discussed openly without discrimination. All schools have counsellors paid more than principals.

  112. Glorious Duke Of Lightning Bug Sleep- I can’t believe my random title turned out to be exactly what I was hoping!
    Brian, I’m sure Clinton would have shared his booty with you!

  114. I need the “I Have Vague Feelings” socks…..or does that say “Vogue” feelings. I have both, so it’s fine either way….and I need my eyes checked.

  115. No bank fees! Please make it so. Why do I have to pay to use my own money?
    Or, in the event that one is too tricky to pull off – dedicated ‘book time’ while at work.ie: I want time to curl up and read my book in the middle of the day.EVERY day.
    Peameal bacon – I do love it, and the regular stuff too. We have lots of bacon here. Weird fact – while you can easily get peameal all over central/eastern Canada… it’s hard to find it in the west. It’s like it doesn’t even exist.

  116. Free mental heath days for all. Students, workers, mothers, fathers, doesn’t matter. Everyone gets one mental health day a month to just be all “life is bullshit I need a break”.

  117. I think there needs to be a Red Dress holiday where everyone just goes and does what makes them feel good, so long as it doesn’t infringe on/harm anyone else. Or that might get confusing, so maybe everyone gets a Red Dress day added to their sick/leave time (regardless of employment), that way it’s staggered and we can help each other with our Red Dress Days.

  118. My first 2 titles sucked, but I liked the next one. I am, heretoforth, Endorsed Advisor of Pie Communication. I 8 pi. WTF? Pi is not on the keyboard. As an engineer, I am now in need of a holiday. Decree that: pi must have a key on every keyboard! 🙂

  119. Congratulations on your Presidency! I have no “wit ” like the other comments so I will leave it at that. CONGRATS!!

  121. I would love to be the Secretary of Headstrong Redheads. My boss said that like it was some kind of insult. I need one of those socks to show him, how much I don’t care.

  122. Please use your new authority to mandate the creation special anxiety bathrooms in every public building (for when your citizens just need a minute/hour to themselves in the midst of loud, extroverted chaos). But maybe call them Anterooms of Awesomeness, or similar, so we don’t have to publicly announce our anxiety disorder to everyone. And if you could use your powers to make them like a Room of Requirement or a TARDIS (bigger on the inside & only appears when you really need it), that would be great. Thanks very much. Long Live President Bloggess! Sincerely, the Majestic Protector Of Galapagos Shark Regulations

  123. The Celebrated Anarchist Of Spatula Communication says your next decree should have something to do with tortoises…and spatulas of course. I mean, have you every seen a tortoise with a spatula? Didn’t think so. I think that if it were legal, all tortoises would carry spatulas and break out in song. We can’t discriminate. Maybe they just want to cook too.

  124. Apparently I’m the Glittering Arch-Nemesis Of Eastern Bluebird Secrets. I’m totally okay with that. Jenny, as a fellow Jenn I’ll take on your portfolio for Natural and Unnatural Resources. This will include all things taxidermy. I think that will require full-time attention. We can discuss this during your Toronto State visit.

  125. I don’t think it’s right for the official anthem, but I strongly believe this should be used as intro music for all informational releases regarding new developments and decrees:

  126. UPS guy just came to the house while I was outside photographing some balloon animals (yes, I make them). I had a T-Rex in my hand when he handed me a bunch of packages. I traded him the packages for a T-Rex and told him happy Thursday! I’ve never seen a man look so confused yet so happy at the same time. : D You will need a Presidential Balloon Twister for your cabinet. I think it should be me. I shall make everyone confused, yet happy.

    (It is decreed. ~ Jenny)

  127. Haha “peameal bacon” isn’t accepted as a word because your dictionary is set to English (US). I bet if you set it to English (CAN) it would appreciate it. Or not. They’re generally not very good at letting us Canadians be, with their underlining-this and underlining-that. Let our bacon be!

    I would love to be Magnificent Ambassador of Sloth Huggery and Quirky/Uncommon Adorable Creature-Kinds. Or MASH-QUACK. Catchy.

  128. I propose a decree banning solid black or white socks, because that shit is boring. Also, I could do with less side-eye when I rock my collection of multi-colored awesome knee-highs. I own two pairs of socks from your new collection already and they never fail to brighten my day. Boring people need to get with the program and lose the socially acceptable socks.

  129. Last night after you became president, I was so excited that I couldn’t sleep. I watched an episode of Storage Wars where a guy bought a locker that included one of the coolest things I have ever seen – an antique sock knitter machine! And now here you are offering me socks. Coincidence? I think not.

  130. New national decree:
    Hiding in bathrooms with wine is an acceptable national past time & not a sign of anxiety.

  131. peameal bacon is INCREDIBLE! you don’t even know. Tell Victor to accept that bacon asap. If he has missed his opportunity, another Old Canadian will be by soon to offer him more, or a Timbit…. which he should also take.

    signed:
    Supreme Moose Minister

  132. I love you people. We’re gonna take over the damn world. But then we’ll give it back because we’re good at sharing and also frankly that seems like too much responsibility. I can barely take care of New Canada.

  133. Have you appointed a Minister of Assuring Comfortable Hiding Spaces Under Desks yet? I’d like to be considered for that. Or if that’s already filled, I’d be cool with Undersecretary of Absent Friends and Misplaced Ghosts. I have experience in both areas. References available upon request.

  134. Your next decree? Rainbows and glitter and kittens are mandatory to fight off shitty pieces of life. Like, “Bad day at work?? Send her the box of kittens ASAP, by order of PUSA!” And I used to have a title … it was long, and all I remember now is that I was Queen of the Fiddler Crabs.

  135. I would like to be the Secretary of Shenanigans…and I enjoy socks…

  136. NEW DECREE: Pugs for whenever you feel sad. Or accomplish something great, like on time to work five days in a row. Or one. Because, pugs.

  137. How about “A stuffed goat in every home!”??? I would also like to be referred to now as the Grand Duchess of Unicorns!

  138. Oh – forgot my suggested decree. Cat videos are mandatory. Cat socks are encouraged.

  140. I would like to be Secretary of the Liquor Cabinet where I’m the one who has the key and aosdingakjtanwektjb.,jhu bbcvjbnskjfhaweo go home i’m drunkl.

  141. You’re already the best president we’ve ever had. And probably the most well-liked. Well done, you.
    Perhaps your next president decree should be to change the National Bird from “Bald Eagle” to “Giant Metal Chicken.”

    I love everything about you.
    Erin
    Dreadful Overlord Of Koala Spies

  142. “Coordinator of Pinniped Promotion?” How am I supposed to promote them when I don’t even know if they’re working up to their current capabilities? Do Pinnipeds have capabilities, other than clapping and balancing balls? Do they want promotions? Maybe they’re happy working for minimum whatever they work for. Shit…I just remembered. Pinnipeds are carnivorous!!! Never mind. And I don’t really need the socks anyway. Because MY GIRLFRIEND ALREADY HAS THOSE SOCKS! MY GIRLFRIEND IS AWESOME! I’m going to promote my girlfriend. I am not going anywhere near a fucking pinniped. Period.

  143. Your first decree should be to assume control of Wikipedia and make it say whatever you want.

  144. Peameal bacon is good, but it is really more of a fried ham. We also have regular bacon!

    also your decree should be that everyone gets free socks so then you dont have to choose just 3 people.

  145. Speaking as a Canadian, we welcome you to lead our humble chunk of the world. (Actually, we’re pretty massive. Much bigger than a hat, anyway.)

  146. You should decree that if airlines offer peanuts, pretzels, or cookies, you automatically get all three. And if they don’t give them all to you initially, you can request them all without feeling guilty. Also, you should get the whole can of soda or bottle of water.
    Oh, and while we’re on the subject, decree that they should pick a ticket price and stick with it. (I’ll stop now before I go into full rant mode. Can you tell I was just shopping for plane tickets, that I can’t afford?? Grr.)

  147. Well, obvs, bloggessianism must be declared the official religion. It would be nice if the biggest law of all the land were “don’t be a dick”. Also, Facebook will need to require a two drink minimum and twitter will need double that.

    I think this presidency will be the finest yet. Not only will you be president, but we have a real chance of Totes Magoats being the new symbol of freedom and class. This is amazing. 🙂

  148. Please make me the Minister of Naps as your next decree. I just woke up at my desk. Oops

  149. Both types of cabinets should always be full of liquor. In fact, ALL types of cabinets should have liquor in them at all times. <–DECREE!!

    And I want to make a joke about the 14th decree that is issued is the Nth decree, but that’s all I got. (I’ll work on it.)

    There MUST be a MInister of Silly Walks and Bacon Shakin’ because that’s what you get when you carry bacon and walk silly.

  150. Your next Presidential decree should be to install a TARDIS (a real one — none of that fake cardboard stuff) in your office. And I shall be your official TARDIS Driver because limousines are for peasants. Which should be your second decree — limousines for all the peasants, because they work really hard and deserve it, you know?

  151. As the Ceremonious Lord of Woodland Caribou Appreciation, may I request that your next decree involve the founding of a program to provide all woodland animals with appropriately adorable human-wear, such as mittens, socks, hats or scarves?

  152. As your Grand Protector of Bee Communication/Glittering Ambassador of Teryaki Cuddling (seriously, I couldn’t stop playing with the name generator! I do have OCD, so that could be why I now have about 20+ titles…but these were my two favorites!), I recommend your next decree be the Pants Optional Referendum. Seriously, why are we all wearing pants, like, all the time?! Enough with the tyranny of pants!

    Also, maybe tack onto that the Late Night Hug Council, because I don’t know about anyone else, but 2am sneaks up like a bastard and there I am feeling all sad and insomnia-ish, and all I want is a hug. From Benedict Cumberbatch. So it’s mostly just him on the Council, but I feel like he could handle it.

  153. My Dearest Bloggess, an office full of ferrets (living or deceased) would be a vast improvement over our current Canadian Prime Minister.

    I am a proud Canadian, and more importantly, a proud Albertan (I’ve heard that Alberta is like Texas…only more apologetic). Our beautiful, oil producing province has recently undergone what is essentially a bloodless coup. Our Premier was an asshat, he screwed up by putting out a terrible budget and then proceeded to call an election. The election backfired on him, and they Progressive Conservatives were ousted after their 44 year reign of idocy. They didn’t even come in second in the election, they were demoted to third place in the provincial legislature winning only 10 seats of the 87 available (they previously held a 61 seat majority).

    We are now the proud owners of a New Democratic government. Something that no one in Canada every thought would happen. We moved from the ultra conservative right to the very socialist left. In the middle of an oil industry based recession. In what was once Canada’s most conservative province. In short…Canadians don’t like to be pissed off. 🙂

    This is why I know that you and your ferrets (living or deceased) will do a fabulous job running New Canada. Plus, I love socks in general, and those socks in particular.

  154. I’m afraid I must decline the role of Rogue Chair of Cupcake Weaving, but recommend that I be allowed to pass it to my daughter, as she may have born born to fill this role.
    First Presidential Decree suggestion – A Cupcake is not a cupcake unless it is frosted, otherwise it is a rogue muffin.

  155. I’m decreeing myself as Royal Scrubber of Negligent Adverbs. Can’t have those dirty, lazy, adverbs hanging around all entitled and totally. I’m also going to need some underlings, like the Officer of Hairball Preservationists and the Dad Sack of Flying Doritos. (but they don’t get socks)

  156. I am the Grand Poobah of Awkward Statements and Silences. Yes, both. Because I say stupid shit, and then everything gets quiet, and then I have to fill the silence with more stupid words coming out of my mouth. The Church tells me my title is actually Accredited Instigator Of Anise Sleep, but I don’t see why I can’t do both. I am a motherfucking multitasker.

  157. My prize is reading your blog. If you decide to throw some socks my way then Hey! I’ll take ’em!

  158. I like free socks. Particularly ones that say “fuck this shit.” Amazeballs, yo.

  159. My email address is bossamee so I need the boss of me socks! And I’m voting for you 🙂

  160. Your next presidential decree has to be that there should be no more limp bacon. That is a cruel, teasing kind of bacon that is fake and should not be tolerated. Punishment involves only being allowed peameal bacon for a year.

    Also, cheese needs a national holiday, and any mattress store that decides to have a sale on that holiday has to provide nap space. Also, the slogan of New Canadian should be “Good grammar costs nothing”, because seriously people, fix that shit.

  161. Also, I am henceforth Unorthodox Commando Of Soup Discipline. Making Campbell’s Tomato Soup with water instead of milk is grounds for excommunication. And loss of TV privliges. You have been warned.

  162. Huh, I had no idea what peameal bacon was – and I’m from Old Canada!

  163. First decree; every criminal is required to get an advanced degree in some science, and they’re not allowed out of prison until they come up with some sort of solution to a problem facing humanity. Sorry was that too serious? Second decree; all companies must provide 40 hours of PTO a year for employees who just don’t feel like working today.
    I shall be the minister of fake pork products made of turkey.

  164. Haha, last night I was in a twitter conversation when I became president of Australia. I promised a long weekend every month.

  166. I want to be Secretary of Lame Puns. People would both be thrilled and appalled to see me.

  168. Everyone get’s a stuffed badger. That should be the next decree. Because what is a life without a stuffed badger? Empty and lacking a stuffed badger, that’s what.

  169. If it pleases Madam President I would like to serve as Secretary of Politeness and Butter Tarts – thank you for your time – thank you for your attention and just thank you.

  170. I would love to have equal access to maple syrup. As a resident of the southern states of Canada, maple syrup is not readily available, and then when you do find it, you have to pay an arm and leg for it. I would like to make myself the Minister of Maple Syrup, and make sure that everyone has open access to this valuable natural resource. My motto will be, “Bacon and maple syrup for all. And pancakes.”

  171. I’m smiling because I just learned about Peameal bacon sandwiches this week.

    I’m sure your administration would be the best thing ever – but the only government post I’ve ever wanted is the director of eliminating all but the most essential government. I fantasize about turning in my resignation the day we get the entire cabinet (heads and staff) down to twelve people.

  172. As the Infallible Duchess of Panda Whispering I believe your next decree should be that anyone who wants to bring their (safe and appropriate for the workplace) pet to work, must be allowed to by dint of thine holy edict. It is my sincere and wholehearted conviction that the world would be less arseholy and stressed if they were surrounded by fluffsom wonderpossums, (i.e. cats, dogs, hampsters etc).

  173. As official Danger Girl and Head of kitten wrangling, i give you all a get out of jail, or your speeding ticket free card.

  174. Those are seriously amazing socks. You should decree that everyone has to wear amazing socks at all times. Or at least on Mondays. Because Mondays need amazing socks.

    (To demonstrate my devotion to socks, I was going to include a picture of my TARDIS socks, or my pink and blue elephant socks {the elephants are pink and blue, the socks are green}, or the penguin socks I’m wearing right now, but I can’t figure out how…)

  175. You should decree every day National Pie Day. Pie is something that everyone can get behind.

  176. New national decree: (boring but important) Everyone must be paid a living wage that is indexed to inflation. Fun decree: every Friday is tequila night (you may substitute your beverage of choice) and everyone no work can be done between 4PM and 5PM for happy hour everywhere. I would like to be the Geisha of Science and have a staff of scientists whose job it is to go to schools and do fun and at least slightly dangerous science shows that get kids excited about science. Because I’m whimsical but also sensible. Dammit.

  177. Superintendent of Swan Grooming (and Old Canadian) here, the new decree should be to make sure every household gets a ferret!

  178. I am the Church of Bloggessianism’s Transcendent Knave Of Aardvark Sucker-Punches. My alternative title is Madame Cat Herder.

  179. Oh, I almost forgot the decree contest. I don’t like presidential decrees but I adore socks.. . . .
    so maybe a decree that the oxford comma is no longer optional?

  180. I submit my candidacy for the position of Minister (Ministress?) of Grammar and General of the Royal Mounted Grammar Police. People will be able to distinguish us from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police because we will be dressed as our Hogwarts professor of choice (Minerva McGonagall being reserved for me only) and instead of riding horses we will grammar patrol proudly on the backs of clockwork Beyoncé clones (the chicken, not the singer). Also, I am almost 40 and my Mom still constantly nags me about wearing socks when it’s cold because she knows that my feet sweat so I won’t wear them until it’s snowing outside. I’m sure she’d appreciate it if you’d send me a pair!

  183. i motion we make a motion that motions are to be swift and dainty. all motions that aren’t met with such grace and fortitude shall be met with roundhouse choruses of whatever track is currently blasting from the pinkprint – becasue im REALLY into niki minaj right now.

  184. i think your next Presidential Degree should be cupcakes and vodka for all.

  185. I shall be known as, “Magnificent Firebrand Of Barley Promotion.” This of course means that you should decree that barley shall be the national grain of New Canada. 🙂

  186. Decree! Taxidermy’d animals will count as Legal Service Animals for the purposes of mitigating anxiety

    I mean seriously I don’t know why the aren’t already, they’re so well behaved. Except George, he’s a real asshole that one. (This is a lie, I don’t actually know George, he may be a very well behaved Taxidermy’d animal. Now I feel like a horrible person for maligning his reputation)

    Socks!

  188. Presidential decree? Can you decree that we’re all your vice-presidents so we can all make up some new swanky business cards?

  190. Second decree (after heroic back bacon decree…or was it making us Canadian? fuck who cares – you are already better than the last 4 presidents I voted for):
    mandatory slip n slide entrance in front of the supreme court for all lobbyists
    my title if knighted er “selected” by vous would be…Misstress of Awkard Side Hugs

  192. Just remember…..as soon as you declare that you are running for president, your fundraising efforts will be heavily scrutinized, so you should, as Republicans who will remain un-named, do, and wait until the LAST.POSSIBLE.SECOND to announce it, so you can rake in the dough right now!!!

  193. By the order of Her Royal Highness, Jenny “The Bloggess” Lawson, first of her name, the following decree is to be put immediately into action:

    All citizens with anxiety disorders are hereby granted the right to a Xanax whenever they may need it.

    Citizens with anxiety disorders are defined as sentient beings who have been witnessed, or not witnessed (because they are hiding somewhere), Freaking the Fuck Out or Losing Their Shit in General.

    I want to be the (Ad)Minister of Benzodiazepines.

    Amen

  194. Peameal bacon is totally real, and scrumptious. As an old Canadian I speak with authority. Maybe that can be my title: Head of the Supervisory Committee of Scrumptious Bacon 🙂

  196. There must be a decree that anyone who attempts to stigmatize mental illness will be punished. How? I don’t know how, I’m not that creative. Look, you’ve got to do at least some of the work yourself, okay?

  198. Actually, I have another decree that I believe maybe of even greater importance than my last (fabulous) idea. A fully funded program for the development of Tardis technology (a subsection of this would of course be sonic screwdriver tech), pared with Doctor and Companion training programs that begin in Kindergarden and go through to PhD level. I believe this is the way forward for all Blognaris peoples!

  199. As the Grand Lady of Poodle Travel, I believe that we should expand travel equality to all breeds and species. Travel equality for all. 2015 is about inclusivity. Is that a word? Autocorrect says so, so I guess it is.

  200. I would ask to have the title of Most Venerated Cataloger of Sea Squirts and Bandicoots, but I already have it. And I think your next decree should be that everybody is required to sing “1,2,3,4,5, Once I Caught a Fish Alive” in a falsetto voice upon rising, just before coffee.

  201. I would like to be appointed to the Ministry of Eye Rolling. I’d make a damn fine Superintendent if I can make it through the confirmation hearings.

  202. As the Sublime Overseer of beet Whispering, I decree we no longer have such horrid winters here in New Canada so we can all stop shivering violently between the months of November and April. And so we can fucking grow beets year round.

    Awesome. Beets are awesome. I’m going to go quit my job ASAP so I can practice my beet whispers to ensure they kick ass…and buy some Jack Daniels for your new cabinet.

  203. Oh my gosh! My sister seriously loves funky, weird socks and every year for her birthday I try to find some awesome ones without success. You have just made me the best sister ever. Yes! Best President ever, for real.

  204. I have no sssuggestionsss but I am apparently really sssnake-y becaussse I tried the random title generator and got “Furious Duke of bull snake Sleep” and then “Brilliant Protector of cobra Promotion”

  205. I am guessing Totes MaGoats is vice president? He is perfect for the role. My title on your cabinet/Cabernet is aparently that of Royal Authority Of Ladle Promotion. Because ladles just didn’t get enough recognition in Old Canada or America, and we need to fix that shit!! It should be mandatory for everyone to wear fuck that shit socks. Then when people come to our new country and try dis ladles we just pull up our trousers and say ‘read the socks’….I wonder could I get away will pulling that stunt on my boss??

  206. I hereby submit my intention to run for the office of “Minister of Screaming Grapes”. It is my intention to make enough wine slushies for everyone else in office that the grapes will cry out for mercy. (Of which, I will offer none … but i will give them a goat to cuddle after lights-out.)

  207. Bathroom scales that subtract pounds based on your mood and time of month.

  208. as if I totally do not want cool socks, who could turn those down. I would also most humbly submit myself for the position of under secretary of ass kicking and rolling with it. It should be in the Dept of the Ulterior.
    All hail our new non robot overlord, and her cats.

  209. As the president of New Canada you should decree the Bloggess Day. It would be like Presidents day only better.

  210. We Canadians don’t want any of the bacon to feel bad so we let it all coexist in peace and harmony, however, to be clear, if you just say bacon we all know what your are talking about the other lesser kids of bacon require qualifiers, and are usually known as back bacon and pemeal bacon respectively and while they are not the bacon you know and love, it is delicious in its own right. Long live all bacon in New Canada!

  211. Hi, I’m Emily, the She of Space in your new cabinet. The post requires a love of space (I’m an aerospace engineering geek) and a tiara (waiting for me at home), so I’m all set. Oh, and thanks for getting New Canada to fix old Canada’s bacon, because really. For your decree, you can tell them they can keep the food, as long as they don’t pretend it’s bacon- they should use it’s proper name, which is “small circles of ham.”

  212. First of all, those socks are AMAZING. And you should make a (serious) decree about being able to get anti-depressants and such for free for everyone because it really sucks not being able to get what you need because you aren’t poor enough to get it free but don’t make enough money to afford both medicine and food. And a (super serious) decree mandating naps because naps are fantastic.

  213. Please pick me. I need a job. Canada needs a new leader. You need to visit Canada. I have too many cats (six). I need new socks. I need to know that you know that I’m here being needy but not a stalker. (although I do follow you.)

  214. I want to be the Notorious Officer of Chocolate Regulations. I will annex Bacon Hall shortly.

  216. By Presidential decree you cast out M&M’s in favour of the true candy covered chocolate – Smarties. Smarties are NOT little sugary candies – those are Rockets.

    This is important shit. Get on it Madam Pres. PS – you might want to say hi to the Queen since she’s technically your boss

  217. I am obviously the best candidate for Bacon Overlord and Quality Control Secretary. Or, I could just become the Minister (it is Canada, after all) of Sheep and Wooly Things. Because, Canada, cold, you know.

  218. I shall be Secretary of Smashing Spiders. I am especially adept to this skill as my house is currently infested with these little bastards.

    As your first decree as President you should proclaim Amanda MotherFucking Palmer’s “In My Mind” as the national anthem.

  219. I think the next official decree as president should come from your Presidential uuuuh cohort Wil Wheaton and just tell every Don’t Be A Dick is now the law.

    I will make note of this as a member of the cabinet… The Grand Vizier of Wine Slushies

    BeeTeeDubs… who’s your Vice President? It’s Vincent Van Goat isn’t it?

  220. I am the Exceptional Mastermind of Scallops Declarations, which I think makes me Secretary of Labor. (Also? The scallop movement sounds pretty organized.)

  221. Please decree that all citizens must do something for the common good each month. It’s like a tax but with being nice to each other. I need those Fuck This Shit socks to wear as Minister of Optimism. Everyone will be assumed awesome until they prove themselves otherwise.

  223. As your High Duchess of Wine, Queso and Tortillas, I decree abundant Mexican food for all, even the Old Canadians. Welcome to New Canada!

  224. As Infallible Chief Of Troodon Communication (I’m adding that to my resume, BTW), the next decree should be to declare the Troodon the National Dinosaur of New Canada. Even though they’re found in Texas. But, Texas is part of New Canada, so good enough.

  225. I thought that said “piecemeal bacon” and couldn’t figure out why someone would want piecemeal bacon (e.g., bacon bits) instead of ACTUAL BACON. So while you’re at it getting rid of peameal bacon, we also need a decree against bacon bits. Signed, Sanctioned Superintendent of Chives Communication

  226. I am now the Majestic Czar of Pudding Elimination therefore you should decree that all pudding be sent to me so that I may properly eliminate it.

  227. Next decree: Let there be maple bacon. Thank goodness we are all Canadians now.

  228. President Jenny decrees a 5 hour maximum workday and mandatory nap time.

  229. As the Elegant Undersecretary of Weasel Declarations, I henceforth declare that all offices must be large enough to fit 1000 live ferrets. Comfortably. Which would be huge, because ferrets tend to pile up and bite each other and everything that moves if their space is even slightly limited — which is cute but super-uncomfortable. Those little teeth are sharp.

  230. I will be the Minister of the Pet Therapy Administration. Therapy pets for people, therapy companions for other pets, including those in the vet offices.

  231. I’d vote for you and would welcome the merge of the US with Canadians. We should involve Mexico and South America and just be known as America.

  233. Thank you for making me smile..it is one of those days and you and bacon really make me smile. In your new kingdom, I would like to be the “Vanquisher of Big-Dummy-Stupids”, because well they need to be vanquished because they have been allowed to run amuck for too long!

  235. Eminent pixie of picnic promotion here, I decree that anyone unexpectedly gifted socks shoul have to unexpectedly gift a stranger socks. (These socks should be new and unworn, unless requested otherwise)

  237. I will be the Minister of the Pet Therapy Administration. I will ensure that people who need therapy pets get them. I will also make sure that they are available in all colleges during exams. I will also make sure that there are therapy companion animals for those that are in the vet for one reason or another.

  238. I’m not saying that your new Transcendent Officer of digestive system Spies just spent $50 on those socks, but I’m also not saying that they didn’t… shifty eyes (By the way, I’m your new Transcendent Officer of digestive system Spies. I have terrible digestive issues so I guess that works?

  239. I forgot my decree idea! I think you should decree that every citizen, upon reaching their majority, gets 2 acres and a llama. 2 acres because it’s enough room to build a house and have neighbors without having them in your business all the time! And llama because LLAMA! They’re so cute and they would keep the lawns nice and trimmed! Oh and I’m in dire need of those “You’re not the boss of me!” socks! I need to wear them to our next team meeting at work. But I would never wear them in front of you Madame President! I have to much respect for Your Royal Canadianness to do that!

  240. As Imperial Rapscallion Of Guinea Pig Accidents, I am advising you to decree that pants are optional on days that end in “y” and that any calories consumed on one’s birthday do not count.

  241. A chicken for every porch, obviously. I shall be Undersecretary of Snark, and my portfolio shall include CBC. Thank you, thank you.

    Just telling someone today, I miss me too when I’m gone.

  243. Presidential decree – free chocolate (your choice of milk or dark) every other day. And no more fucked up bacon!
    so suggests your new Majestic Instigator of tree shrew Sleep

  245. Eminent pixi of picnic promotion here, I suggest as a decree that anyone unexpectedly receiving a gift of socks should then have a duty to gift another pair of socks to a stranger . (These socks should be unworn and new unless specifically requested as otherwise)

  246. decree socks on goats and foxes in coats day. . .because animals need to feel fashionably trendy too. . .especially in Canada where it must be chilly.

  247. Oh goddess I needed this today. It’s been an eyeore type of day.
    I propose that your next decree be: Those that are having bad days get to wear capes…or a bear suit depending on the type of bad day.
    I also decree myself Minister of Pushing Papers Off Desks Whilst Exclaiming Fuck This Shit (“Minister of Nope” for short)

  248. I just thought of another job I want to have in your cabinet. I want to be Minister of All Fucks Given. I will dole out the appropriate amount of fucks for any and all situations. Earthquake in Nepal? We give a serious amount of fucks. Slut-shaming, misogynistic asshole on Fox News complains? We have zero fucks to give for that shit. I would be amazing at this. I also think Rory would be a good Vice Minister of All Fucks Given.

  249. I think you should decree a new measurement system. More confusing than standard similar to metric but based on farm animal sizes and weights.

  250. As the Sublime Commando of Dalmatian Dogma, I advise you to decree that daily naps must be offered, and the minimum RDA of dark chocolate is 9 ounces. Or should it be 255 grams? Are we using English or Metric?

  251. The Official Nuturer of Naps here. I need some socks so my toes stay warm while I am researching the physics of napping. I think you should decree an official daily naptime.

  252. Can I have Fuck This Shit socks? I feel that as a preggy with a 13 month old, they’re needed.

    Also, I think Victor’s in Europe because we don’t have that non-bacon here. I’ve never seen it, that’s for sure.

  253. As the Celebrated Rapscallion Of Spectacled Porpoise Braiding, I have the spectacles handled. The rest, I’ll have to figure out on the job. We can do this!

    I propose a daily siesta of five hours so we can nap and sock shop online.

  254. Can I be Minister for “the specific books I have in my bookshelves” all funding will be used to increase this therefore making me look both more intelligent and I can constantly claim year on year growth unless there’s a fire

  255. A decree should be made about cats. Cats should be scacred and your cats should have their own cabinet of political cats. Another cabinet is needed as well. A secret cabinet for catnip because the press would have a field day if they knew the cats were doing catnip. What a CATASTROPHE. I will be Senator of catastrophes because everyone needs a main head of clean up for messes. Also I get weekends and mornings off. This Senator doesn’t do mornings.

  256. I suggest decreeing a law that every 3rd Tuesday, citizens must consume McNuggets in bed with a plastic go-cup of wine. Because once in awhile, it’d be nice to have an excuse.

  258. I’m happy to accept my nomiation as Rogue Agitator Of Coffee Shaving. I’ve dreamed of this honor since I was a wee girl!

  259. When you are President, you should declare a day when everyone has the right to stab one person in the thigh with a fork. Call it “Are You Done Yet? Day.”

  260. You can come be the new prime minister of Canada. And hey, we have lots of road kill here FYI. I think you should announce your candidacy by wearing a moose hat sitting on a dead bull and declare your party the STB party (stop the bullshit).

  261. I have the Blue-Q socks that say ‘Carpe the Fuck Out of This Diem.’ I love them.

  262. I need these socks. And then I’m ordering them for all my friends for their birthdays, according to personality. Thank you, Jenny, for showing me the awesomest thing all. damn. day.

  263. What an interesting coincidence. Today I bought 2 pounds of Boar’s Head Bacon (on sale – 2 for $9.00 USD) and prominently displayed on the front of the package is “Product of Canada”

  264. Oh, and I call dibs on Official Counter of Spoons when you are President of New Canada.

  265. I will be the secretary of honesty. Because I have a condition a friend calls “honesty turrets”. Want to know if you’re doing a shit job? You won’t even have to ask.

  266. I would like you to decree that size 14 is the new size 0. Or better yet that there are no sizes anymore. They shall be replaced with ice cream flavors. “What flavor of jeans do you wear? I wear a chocolate mint chip but I am hoping to fit into a bunny tracks by summer.”

  267. We need a presidential decree declaring that the wearing of fairy wings is acceptable attire when in overly adult situations such as appearing in court or on PBS talk shows. Since you are the president of Canada, I believe the cabinet members get to be Ministers. I’d like to be the Minister of Drinking by Campfires. If that’s already claimed, I will take Minister of S’Mores.

  268. As the Secretary for the Department of Jens, I would gather all the fabulous Jens, Jennys and Jennifers who reply to your posts and we would be at your beck and call with bagels, coffee, cocktails and humor, plenty of humor!

  269. I am the Sanctioned Overlord Of Leopard Grooming! My army of big cat stylists and I shall usher in a new era of up do’s and pedicures for the animal kingdom.

  270. As Commander of Chocolate Rain, and since I now have law-making abilities in New Canada, I decree that the water in Niagara Falls be replaced with Nutella.

  271. We definitely need a decree whereby coffee creamer is outlawed and alcohol is the required substitution. Perhaps followed by the one about all office watercoolers must be replaced with booze dispensers.

    And I should like to be Secretary of Sparkly Chickens please.

  272. Peameal bacon in right-footed socks only. If you can figure out which sock goes on which foot. Which I don’t know anyone who can.

  274. I should like to be Prime Minister of Puppy Petting and recommend that your next decree involve fridays off for everyone, or at least visits from puppies for those who have to be at work. If you could especially make this happen for me and my work, I’d really appreciate it. Rock on.

  275. The only thing bacon should be wrapped in is chocolate. I think your cabinet should definitely include the Baron of Baconistas who would be charged with carefully enrobing ALL the bacon in ALL the chocolate. But that’s just me.

  276. I am your random “Magnificent Official of Animal Promotion ” ! I decree every home shall include at least one furry cat of your choosing ! But all must be spayed or neutered ! It is “HIP TO CLIP” ! And “cat naps” are mandatory ! 🙂

  277. Your next presidential degree should be “An ice hockey game shall be played everyday” because of (old) Canada. Plus I love ice hockey and I go into withdrawals during the summer. My title is “No tact ever Minister” because I tend to say things without thinking first, so I am well suited for the job. Thank you.

  278. Your Sublime Chief of Kidney Beans Concepts is here, reporting for duty.

  279. Legalise marijuana, cause my headaches are getting bad! And please please please make winter only, maybe 2 months long, because this 5 months nonsense is getting old! Oh and make the not so busy bees finish the Gardner already! That highway is hell!!!

  280. I would like to apply for the position of CIO (chief intoxicated one) of the new ministry of whiskey, since we can no longer distinguish between Canadian Whiskey and American Whiskey. Someone needs to keep the public clear on their whiskey origins

  281. Welcome to the Great White North, President! Back bacon is a dry excuse for the real thing – I’m fairly sure some settler needed a fancy term for the dried out ham that was forgotten at the back of the smoke house, way back when (Canadian point of view, donchaknow). Anyhoo – our pretty money actually SMELLS like maple syrup, and therefore will never, ever be replicated by those nasty organized crime types who took such horrible advantage of the old money not being plastic. I don’t need any socks, because mentalpause and get that shit off my feet, but I’d be happy to be your Chief Administrator of Crocheted Covers for All Things Chilly, as you may have a wee period of adjustment to our chillier Northern climes.

  282. I would like to be the Secretary of Passive Aggressive Snarking. (It’s been that kind of week.) Next on your agenda should be back rubs for all on afternoon breaks for those who want them. We work hard, ya know?? 🙂
    And I would definitely vote (elect? nominate? agree heartily?) for you as president.

  283. i don’t think this comment thingy has worked for me since you moved your blog, but if i win the socks, i would like to win them for my friend FG because she kicks ass and loves socks.

    signed, Glittering Firebrand of popsicle Snogging

  284. My niece sent me the “kick this day in its sunshiny ass” socks as part of the bestest care package ever when I was recovering from a prophylactic double mastectomy. I love them.

  285. holy crap it worked? Thanks for making it finally work, Ms. President!

  286. You can totally be president of Canada AND head of the Church of Blogessianism, because the Queen of England is that and the head of the Church of England. Also, you saved me the bother of having to physically move to Canada, which rocks because moving SSSSUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKSSSS! Lastly, I would like to be Minister of Appropriate Charitable Donations. I would like the authority to hunt down and kneecap everyone who “donates” their worn out period panties and garbage bags full of wet towels to Goodwill. Seriously, I will cut a bitch next time I tear into a bag of clothes soaked in cat pee.

  287. Your next decree is that every household must have a giant metal chicken to greet people.

    Suggested by your Noble Loose Cannon Of Capricorn Dogma

  288. Your next presidential decree shall be that membership in the NRA automatically puts one on a life long mailing list for NAMBLA. And a toque.

    As far as assembling a cabinet, I recommend staying away from IKEA. Those extra little pieces would probably end in an arms agreement with Tierra del Feugo or something. And you can’t fix that with an Allen wrench.

  290. proper peameal bacon is made from peameal, not cornmeal, And it is wonderful stuff, fried up with poached eggs and hashbrowns. Old Canada is still awesome, it’s just middle Canada (especially those weirdos out east) that is in need of help.

  291. You are all welcome here. Just behave yourselves and were will get along just fine!

  292. Your first decree should be to declare Chocolate Covered Bacon Day. Because chocolate saves lives. And – Bacon. Just bacon. I need say no more about it.

    If I’m in your liquor cabinet, I would like to be Minister of Vodka, but my official title would be Chief Bellower. I used that once when I was helping my friend run a workshop for children. A child asked me who I was that I could tell the children what to do, and without skipping a beat, I told her I was the Chief Bellow-er. She accepted that completely so it must be true.

    If I win the socks, please send them to Ashleigh (#46). She needs them more than I do.

  294. If you are elected (or take over by force…whatever), can I be Ambassador of Gay Cat Owners (that’s gay owners of cats, not owners of gay cats…gay cats are sinners)?

  295. Something about real maple syrup as a food group. And maybe something about wearing plaid. Although those might apply to Vermont, too. But that’s ok, we VT’ers like our neighbors to the north.

  296. All currency rather than having the face of the Queen will have the face of Nathan Fillion. Or Hermione Granger. Actually, let’s just make it River Tam.

  297. Give prizes for satisfying puns and math equations that collapse down to zero if you do the algebra shebang right.

  298. I am the Furious Knave of Rhinoceros Declarations, but I’m not entirely certain that my coworkers would appreciate being called Rhinoceroses. All the rest fits, though. At any rate, if you could decree that my husband turns the heat on when the house is 62 degrees, I would appreciate it, because he won’t listen to me. All he says is “It’s going to be 80 next week. Enjoy the cold while you can.”

  299. Canadians are not like the rest of us. Especially when it comes to bacon. If you’ve never read the Yarn Harlot’s (yarnharlot.ca) post about “bacon powder,” you should. Just saying.

  300. WE ARE NOT FUCKING UP BACON. As long as you don’t rename “American cheese” “New Canadian cheese,” I’m okay, because that stuff is nasty. I can’t believe Americans actually OWN that cheese. Come replace our Prime Minister; he’s a douche.

  301. Your first decree should be that jammies are now standard business wear. And instead of cubicles, there will be blanket forts. Employees still have to work 8 hours, but the time can be broken up by naps. That means we need to hire lots more bus drivers and doctors and suchlike, which will also fix underemployment.

    Rachel, Minister of Comfyness

  302. I would love a decree that any adult can give him or herself a time out when bill collectors start hounding them, even if it’s just for one day. Or better yet, let’s give the bill collectors a time out if they call during dinner time (or more than 2 times in a 24 hour period)!!

    Also, BAN plain white socks, because what the hell is the point of those?

  303. Apparently, I am your new Distinguished Custodian Of Jug Whispering. I’m not quite sure whose jugs I have to whisper to, but I have a feeling that whether they’re mine or someone else’s, I’ll look more than a little strange doing it. 🙂

    As far as peameal bacon goes, for those of us in the U.S., I think we call it Canadian bacon, and it has nothing to do with cornmeal. But I could be mistaken.

    Mandatory wine, naps, Beyoncé (metal chicken, not the artist), and your books are perfect decrees.

  304. Make your decrees from the socks, stay away from a**holes, f*ck this shit, all good decrees, you may actually fix the world, so I’d like to be your Secretary of Socks which could make me more of a drawer than a cabinet…. Robin Williams said Canada was like a really nice apartment over a meth lab.

  305. Even if you can’t get us all socks, I want those socks! I’m the Sublime Arbiter of Camel Expansion. We all need more camels. Possibly bigger camels. More bigger camels?

  307. From Administrator of Giant Metal Sloths – Presidential Decree #3,457,689: Free continuous air conditioning for all! (It would be like a jacket or pants that work as heaters OR coolers to keep you always at the temperature you want to be at. Comes in black, beige, and purple).

  308. Being that my name is Mary, Fairy Godmother, I already have a title so I best be in your cabinet. Prefer the liquor one if you don’t mind. Thanks

  309. You should decree that commenting on social media counts as exercise and writing. We’ll feel great about our thin and svelte fingers and our word count won’t suck at zero for the day.

  310. I would like to be in your cabinet, my new title is Magnificent Hooligan of Hyracotherium Cultivation. Thank you

  311. On behalf of Canada, I apologize to Victor for the pea bacon incident! Clearly it was offered to him by foreign agents sent to undermine our proud tradition of bacon and syrup as official food groups.

  312. Wow, I couldn’t beat Transcendent Knave Of Koala Regulations as a title if I tried all day and knight.

  314. I could get behind decreeing that everyone gets a free dog/cat/other pet of choice. Or maybe mandatory curling matches every month? At any rate, I look forward to being annexed into New Canada.

    Dawn, Eminent Officer Of Shrimp Grooming

  315. I’m from Canada and I have never heard of Peameal bacon, must be a French thing. Or Ontario… they’re weird. I want to be the chief of baby animal cuddling. And yes all religions were invented by someone. There’s thousands of us, who do we write to get this obvious mistake fixed?

  317. All Double Unicorn Success Club Members shall from this (or that) day forward be awarded a lifetime supply of magical socks!

  318. Forget bacon. Did you know that Kit Kats have caramel in them in Canada?! That shit needs to be remedied!

    Also, I think my title should be Captain of Creative Canadian Cursing because I excel at it thanks to my Canadian grandmother. (Really, its pretty much the only french I speak.)

  319. As the new Inspector General of the Semantics Police, I think the “I have mood swings” socks would make a smashing uniform. Umm… maybe not just the socks, unless naked is the new black in New Canada.

  320. I’m your Illustrious Duchess Of Chickadee Digestion and I suggest you issue a decree for optional naptime (without being looked down upon!) and a decree to be able to take puppy/kitty/other animal breaks when needed! 🙂

  321. I really can’t compete with these comments as I’ve been running a fever for 24 hours. But, I’d really love the socks and I’ll even wear them at your book signing in Austin next fall while I geek out over meeting you in person. My title as your minion can just be Aliscia the Great because I set my computer at work up to fill that in every time my name was typed to test it as a joke to play on someone else but I can’t figure out how to undo it and now I have to correct myself every time I type my name. So, really, you’d be doing me a favor.

  322. As the Furious Strangeling Of Cat Declarations – I demand that vegetarian foods pretending to be meat should be outlawed. If they want meat, they should just eat meat….

  323. I don’t know if anyone has suggested this decree yet (because holy crap there are already 307 comments on this post and I am at work and don’t have time to read them all) but I think a minimum of 30 PAID minutes each work day should be dedicated to watching adorable kitty/puppy/sloth/hamster/rooster/whatever-animal-you-think-is-cute videos. I know we pretty much all already do this, but I think it should be official-like. And also I know my odds of being chosen to receive your generous gift of socks are, like, ridiculously low, so I wanted you to know that I already own 5 or 6 pairs of socks from this company and I absolutely love them and wish everyone the best of luck 🙂 My favourite pair say “It’s my parent’s fault” because of course it is and thank god for that! Also also I am already Canadian and would like to officially welcome you as our President and good riddance to the lunatic who was running our fine country into the ground before you came and rescued us.

  324. You can be president AND founder/guru/messiah of the Church of Bloggessianism, if you want! Queen Elizabeth II is head of state and church in the UK… In your cabinet I would like the role of Doer of Extreme Procrastination and Occasional Naughtiness😈😈😈😈

  329. I haven’t finished post or generated my cabinet position because FIRST I had to go spend $50 on socks.

  330. I am now Glittering Firebrand Of Assassin Bug Cultivation. I would love to manage a group of assassin bugs, but I don’t want to touch them. Or look at them. Or talk about them. But I will totally cultivate the heck out of them.

  331. Please be the Queen Master of Canada, anything is better than what we have now. I want to be in your Minister of Weather Control because Canada controls the weather. All those times that your weatherman said a cold front came down from Canada, well, you’re welcome. We don’t want to keep all the cold fronts in the North where they really come from.

  332. I will be on your cabinet. I will be the Grand Poobah of of the liquor cabinet, vodkatarian section. And your first decree should be something about lasts. And bloody Marys. Probably both. Ok I’ve got it, your first decree should be mandatory karaoke parties with bloody mary bars and laser beams. Anyone refusing to participate is relegated to school drop off duty.

  334. Oh yeah I forgot. What is the immigration process like? Do I just bring socks and bacon. I’m already a Bloggessian.

  335. Ok..so you’re the head of our Bloggessian church, which makes you Pope Jenny, the Most High and Holy, and being that it’s the church of YOU, that makes you a GODDESS as well. And probably a saint. So, the 1st thing you need to do as President is decree every day as St Jenny day.

  336. I have been trying to get someone to appoint me Minister of Propagander for years now, and here’s my chance! Please to decree at least one Tim Horton’s per city in the States Formerly Known as America. And socks. I like socks. Especially the moods swings ones…

  337. Your next presidential decree? That all munchkin cats are beings of higher truth and wisdom and therefore get to live in tiny castles.

  338. I am from Canada and I declare that peameal bacon is horseshit…..it is NOT bacon! Bacon is streaked with fat and is oh so delicious. Peameal bacon is ham……fucking crap.

  339. I really want some peameal bacon now.

    Next presidential decree should be: Peameal bacon for everyone w/an optional side of peas.

    Signed,
    Danielle
    Magnificent Facillitator Of Kitten Communication

  340. New Decree: All voice mail boxes will be converted to one single message which is: text me, asshole. There will be no beep and voice mail will cease to exist. Finally.

  341. Everyone shall be granted holiday time off with pay on the religious holidays of every religion. That is MUCH more inclusive and harmonious than the “everyone begrudging allows people to take off only the days for their specific religion” routine that we’ve got going on now.

  342. Grand Superintendent of sauerkraut Snogging
    My twitter bio has been appropriately updated

  343. Presidential decree : Formal dress at fancy functions be replaced with comfy, fuzzy slippers and warm jammies and fluffy blankets as jackets and wraps.

  344. I LOVE those socks! I really love wearing crazy socks all the time. I have some for all the major holidays. Right now I’m sporting my bright pink Valentine’s Day socks.

    I declare myself to be The Distributor of Zany Socks. I will post daily links to socks that fit with one of the Holidays of the Day.

    For example… One of the holidays for today is Hummus Day, which occurs the Third Thursday of every May. I don’t know why there is a Hummus Day, but someone out there must REALLY love their hummus.

    I bet you didn’t know that there were Hummus socks out there! Sure enough!

    For Women: http://www.cafepress.com/+hummus_womens_ankle_socks,1382984986

    For Men: http://www.cafepress.com/+hummus_with_carrots_mens_crew_socks,1408031053

    For Kids: http://www.cafepress.com/+mezze_table_kids_ankle_socks,1383304395

    Perhaps you would prefer to wear socks that have Hummus on Toast? Well here you go! http://www.cafepress.com/+toasts_with_hummus_with_parsle_womens_ankle_socks,1383196695

    What if you prefer your Hummus in it’s original Chick Pea form? Don’t worry! I’ve got you covered! http://www.cafepress.com/+chickpeas_over_spoon_womens_ankle_socks,1383160424

    May 21st is also “I Need A Patch For That” Day. There are many different possible options of socks for this day. Here is one…. You can put a patch on socks you already own, thus saving you the time and cost of having to buy socks with patches. http://tashamillergriffith.com/2015/03/26/fixing-store-bought-socks/

    May 21st is also End of the World or Rapture Party Day. Don’t worry! Here are some Rapture socks that will withstand the roughest of environments if the world ends today! youYou may not know where your next meal will come from, but at least you will have warm and dry feet! http://www.bivouac.co.nz/comfort-socks-rapture-sock.html

    It is also National Wait Staff Day! You can wear these awesome Super Waiter Socks to show your support to your favorite Waiter or Waitress! http://www.amazon.com/Part-time-Restaurant-Parody-Waiter-Serving/dp/B00JAQA78U

    So there you go…. Here are some awesome socks that people could wear on just a few of the holidays for today!

    Soon everyone in Canmerica will have a plethora of fun, zany and unique socks to celebrate every day of the year!

  345. You should decree that the plant breeders get to work immediately on apple grass, so we have it for New new new new new new new…..Canada.

  346. I am going to be the Ambassador to New France where my job is to eat all the cheese and delicious French bread and pastries. Don’t worry, I will share.

    As for a presidential decree, I think you should decree Pajama jeans socially acceptable to wear as business casual workwear. Actually, ALL pajamas will be acceptable workwear!

  349. I have to tell you the story about my daughter, when she was about 5 she came out of her room stating she was running away. She had in her arms a brown grocery bag full of socks! That girl loved socks and still does today! She did not run away. She stood on the porch for a little bit and came back in, clutching that bag of socks. We still laugh about that today. Now I am laughing so hard I cannot think of a decree. If I win the socks I will give them to her in a brown paper bag!….jen

  350. I move that your next decree should be that all government offices, medical facilities, and institutional learning facilities will have at least one large nap room, complete with hammocks, mattresses, benches, recliners, couches, pillows, blankets, stuffed animals, and warm milk/hot cocoa dispensers, with both whipped cream and marshmallow options.

    Additionally, I am formally applying for the position of Secretary of Secular Profanity, of the Minisrty of Potty Mouths. Oh, and I’ll need an undersecretary, this shit isnt going to govern itself. And a French/English dictionary, apparently.

  351. We’ll need to get the Full sized Sashquatch statue from the Sky Mall catelog now!!!

  352. Undersecretary of Trailer Park Boys Syndication. Because it needs to be on everyone’s TV now. It’s another awesome Canadian thing.

  353. Your next decree should be “Mondays will now be called Sunday part Duex and Tuesdays (unless they fuck it up) will get the number one spot of the work week.”

  354. Next decree: Calories in bacon do not count! Socks, please!

  355. I LOVE those freaking socks! I have the “stay away from assholes” pair. Bought them right after my divorce. Thought it was apropos. 😉

  357. I would like to be considered as the Secretary of Glitter-bomb Defense. I already have a comprehensive list of assholes who need to be glitter-bombed.

  358. All of those socks are awesome. I love socks. I want to be the Secretary Of My Give A Damn Is Broken. Or If You Need Me I’ll Be Sleeping.

  360. Well, your next decree obviously has to be to name ME Secretary of Cat Wrangling because, see, I have EXPERIENCE:
    DANG IT — cannot figure out how to post the screen capture! But take my word for it, my job description on Facebook is: “Chicken Rancher, Cat Wrangler, and Doggie Doorman.” Honest to God!

  361. I’d love to be High Priestess of the Oxford Comma and Cocktails (HPOCC), please.
    Also, I would love to see you make Red Dress Day a National Holiday.

  362. I think you are technically the Prime Minister of New Canada…Welcome PM Lawson! I think you’ll love it here! You have way better hair than our current PM, and I like your bacon platform. I think I would make a great Minister of All that Tastes Like Butter, but is Not. 👑

  363. Official wine taster. You are going to have one giant ass cabinet! And hammock tester.

  364. I think you should decree that all citizens should be allowed to drink wine from a box the same way an elementary schooler drinks juice from a pouch. Pop in a straw, and you’re good to go. Also acceptable: Cake every day. Because every day is someone’s birthday.

    Also, I would love to be your Chair of Random Whatnot and Spokesperson of the Easily Distracted.

  365. Decree: No book– whether a textbook, trashy novel, or comic book — shall be subject to any kind of tax, ever.
    (Also, when you’re president, will you make sure that whipped cream is covered under the Affordable Care Act? And I don’t mean generic cream either. I mean the good stuff, like Cool Whip, or maybe there’s a ginormous kitchen somewhere in, I dunno, Nebraska where hundreds of grannies are whipping up cream every day. Anyway, whipped cream makes everything better* so it ought to be subsidized somehow.) (*If whipped cream can’t make it better, then bacon will.)

  366. So, I want to be the Princess Queen of Nice-Enforcement when someone sings of Canada Blaming songs. Also, I’ll poffer any kind of Bacon to the Ney-Sayers cause we’re Canadian, and Canadians are fucking nice, yall, eh.

  367. I need those socks in my life! So my suggestion is you decree that everyone must eat ice cream at least once per day. Thank you.

  368. Decree that everyone gets a huge tank of water and two Dolphins that they can swim with. Because who can be in a bad mood if they just swam with dolphins?

  371. Suggested Presidential Decree: All public water now fortified with Xanax. Seriously, we need this.

  372. Approved Czar of Amoeba Snogging reporting in. 1st official decree suggestion: No more snogging amoeba’s. That’s just gross.

  373. AS a Canarican (Canadian living in the US) Americans are the ones who call it Canadian bacon … we call it ham. Although Canadian Bacon is a funny movie though. and true Back Bacon is rolled in corn meal and I have no idea why

  374. Your Plutarch of Professional Feline Alphebetizers, reporting for duty. You should decree that all workplaces have designated cuddly critter rooms, where you can pet and play with cats/puppies/sloths/ferrets/critterofyourchoice between doing important job stuffs.

  375. Your random title is:
    Distinguished Custodian Of Bactrian Camel Regulations

    I love it! Thank you for my new random title!

  376. As your Rogue General of Quail Training, I would like you to decree that all us New Canadians get pet quails for our cats, so I can expand my empire to all cat-owned-New-Canadians. Thank you for the Blue Q socks!!!!!!

  377. I suggest that your first presidential decree be that nobody ever has to get up before 8 AM again. Also,
    I think that you should abolish Mondays. Don’t need ’em. /nod

  379. I love Blue Q! Especially the “Carpe the fuck out of this diem” socks. I’m not sure they still have them though… Stay away from assholes is always tremendous advice.

    Your First and Bestest Captain Blondecident of All the Coffee in New and Old Canada humbly suggests that all extremists should be killed. Or intolerance be bitch slapped. You’re the Prez, PM, or Holy Whateverness, you decide.

  380. Well naturally I’d be the Vice-head-minister-chairmen of book-hoarding/napping. And my official decree is that every 8th day is gravy day. Where it is strongly suggested that you consume a gravy-based diet for a mandatory minimum of 2.716 meals. Or else everyone will glare at you when your back is turned.

  381. I think you need to decree that all “Monday”s will officially be changed to “Dance Party, a Necessary Extension of Sunday”. And I’d really like to be the Prime Minister of Donuts, if that’s still available. Thanks much, rock the vote!

  382. Decree that everyone have the right to have a bathtub full of kittens whenever they are sad, and that if people cannot afford bathtubs or kittens, they shall be provided free of charge. Because whenever I try to imagine what a bathtub full of kittens would be like, (or trying to be in the bathtub with the kittens) it’s too ridiculous for me to stay sad.

    Also, thank you for showing me these socks. They make me think of Seeley Booth, from the show Bones, and how he wears weird socks to stick it to the man.

  383. As Minister of Happy Places, I think you should decree that everyone should get to have a beach near where they live. I haven’t exactly worked out how you would achieve this, but that is how strong my faith in your Presidency is.

  384. Our new ‘official’ anthem… why? Cuz we love our beaver!!

    Oh Canada oh-oh Oh Canada!!!

  385. Work days will now include a siesta, and all employees will be provided with unlimited free e-books of nap time stories read by Morgan Freeman.

  386. oh ignore the Heritage Moments at the beginning and the end of the vid… inside joke…

  387. Goats for everyone! But, as I don’t have room for a goat, socks will have to suffice.

  388. i have the “Stay away from assholes” socks. Sometimes I just take off my shoe to remind myself (and others).

  389. Well, here’s my title as generated by your fancy-schmancy title generator: Ceremonious Executive Of Snail Travel. Honestly, I prefer staying on my couch. Snails actually do move, if slowly. Crap, I’m comment #379! Why even bother to scroll all the way up and figure out what the hell I was supposed to come up with anyway? Was it a decree? Um, how about a real one: Mental health care parity for all, no matter what, and yes, that includes Medicare. Sickness is sickness. Medicare seems to think that if someone is disabled due to mental illness, somehow they do not deserve the same (mental) health care coverage than someone disabled by an illness of a different body part. (Sorry, just couldn’t think of anything funny.)

  390. I’m so pleased you are a Canadian now. Mainly because that means Stephen Harper is no longer the PM. Happy Days!!!

  391. I feel so much better about our election in November – at last a president us Canadians can relate to. Next decress – the bloggess comes to Vancouver, British Columbia on her book tour!
    No? ok, never mind, sorry. So sorry.

  392. Oh and my new title is the Accredited Executive of Zubeneschamali Communication (as per generator)

    I have no idea what that is but since most politicians (present company called The Bloggess excluded) have no idea what the hell they’re doing I shall fit right in…

    Don’t know why bacon is such a hot button topic… but I have always wondered why the US calls it Canadian bacon when we call it back bacon… weird…

  393. Well, my title is Magnificent Official Of Brittle Star Spies. What does that even mean? I think you should decree that assholism is now a crime.

  394. I’d like to be the Undersecretary of Sloth Wrangling. I’m not sure what an undersecretary does…but I’m guessing it’s less than an oversecretary. I can’t imagine being a secretary for people who wrangle sloths has a lot of annoying paperwork to begin with, so I think I can handle that job.

  395. “The Glittering Poobah of Alligator Sleep”; I’ve always wanted to be a Poobah of something.

  396. As the Recognized Pixi Of Raisin Deconstruction, I hope this means all us new Canadians get to enjoy paid parental leave. On a more serious note, you should decree that nobody else gets to ride on turtles. After all, don’t they have enough on their backs?

  397. A few things, one I am Notorious Poobah Of Honey Bee Admonitions. Which is great because they are sassy motherfuckers. Two, I can attest to the deliciousness of a back bacon roll in the morning. Three, I have never commented before but you have brought so much light and joy to so many lives, including mine. So thank you.

  398. Ugh. Does this mean we have to start speaking Canadian? Can you make them speak American instead? And also I think in your first 100 days, you should really straighten them out on this bacon thing.

  399. Free bacon for Scudworths?? But I’m a Scudworth!!

    Seriously, obviously “unicorns for all”!!

  400. I bought my mother the “You’re Not the Boss of Me” socks for Christmas. 😏

  401. Your next presidential decree? I was going to take a few minutes to try to think of something utterly hilarious– trust me, if would have knocked your amaze-balls socks off– but instead I’m going to go serious. Please, please make paid maternity leave mandatory– AT LEAST three months of it. More if your child is born premature or with medical issues, because it’s absoposilutely ridiculous that moms are beginning their leave thee months after their premature child is born because they’re stuck in this awful system (like that poor police officer who was sadly killed yesterday). End rant.

    Love,
    The Dauphine of All the Naps and Minister of Hot Air Balloon Travel

  402. As your Magnificent Knave of Waterbug Weaving I hereby suggest that your next degree be to declare daily coloring/craft time. Crayons and glitter glue for all!

  403. In your cabinet, I will be the Secretary of the Cocktail Shakers. There will be several shakers, and all will be kept going 24/7. As long as we have bacon. Doesn’t have to be peamealed. (Does that mean they pee bacon after they eat it.)

    Proclamation: The $1 coin will have a hole in it, If you can toss it on a unicorn horn from 10 feet, you get a bottle of booze of your choice. Cocktail shaker not included, since I will have all of them.

  404. Since I came to this late and lost out on claiming naps (amusingly since I was sleeping…), I am signing on as Executive Director of Omelettes And Slightly Chilled Orange & Vanilla Seltzer. I trust that I will have access to ample supplies of both and obviously I am in charge of breakfast. I have a minor in crepe making, too, if folks don’t want omelettes. I expect to receive a sash to wear on Crepe Day, tho. Raspberry colored.

  405. I would like those socks, and i would wear those socks, except that my husband would probably immediately steal them to wear while leading zumba classes. Because he’s sneaky like that. With socks.

  406. omfg!!! I just saw those socks the other day and made a mental note not to forget my mental note to go buy this awsome socks on payday!!! Thank you for reminding me to remind myself! Why is there a one letter typing delay? It’s making me feel drunk and I’m definitely not! Yet. The Bloggess for President of Blogistania!! Fuck Canada I say we create our own damned misfit country! Misfitstania? Misfitopia?

  408. New decree: definitely get rid of the 5 day workweek!
    Thanks!
    Love,
    The Duchess of Punching People in the Throat

  409. “I forgot to refill my ADD meds again” is my new bumper sticker and mandatory t-shirt. I need a decree for that! 🙂

  410. Please, oh wise one, decree an end to all HOAs, as they are an abomination upon the land and prevent good people from placing large metal chickens on their front lawns or painting their houses purple as the universe intended. Sincerely, your devoted follower, Hipkat the Destroyer.

  411. Fantastically Ubiquitous Czarina Kaboom Yelling Out Unsavory Acronyms of Linguical Lyricism.

    I would like the acronym to follow my name on every piece of legislature I am forced to sign, as well as my name tag, my office door and all future emails.
    I would push to reinstate child labor, or labour…whichever is correct. I was never good at spelling. I digress. Who doesn’t learn well on the job? It’d be like school and work in one. And shouldn’t everyone have fond memories of their childhood? Do you know how many children without families would be adopted? Furthermore, I declare the legal retirement age at 18, or 21…whichever is declared the legal drinking age in New Canada.
    I apparently have too much time on my hands, but that’s only because I don’t have your latest book. Would that be cheaper than socks?

  412. Royal Arch-Nemisis of Mice Communication, at your service Madam President Your Highness.

  413. I am, and forever shall be, the ArchDiva of the Flaming Redheads. Or will be until I’m all grey. And then maybe I’ll have to be the ArchDiva of the Wrinkly Greyheads or something. Time will tell perhaps.

    As for decrees…hmmm,,,could you tell the entire conservative right to take a massive step to the left, please? The cultural shift would be staggering. And quite pleasing to my eye. Please and thank you.

  415. I’d like to be the Medicinal Minister of New Canada. Old Canada has neat things like OTC caffeine with aspirin OR acetaminophen, and codeine. I think New Canada should continue the tradition. It’s the start of a new “Judy Garland Trail Mix” era. A gentler Canadian version.

  416. I’m Canadian and live in Canada and I never hear about back bacon. Every restaurant that I’ve been to serves “regular” bacon. Maybe it’s more popular in another part of Canada?

  417. Noble Boss of assassin bug Regulations demands socks. That is all.

  418. I will be the Brilliant Pixi of Ostrich Discipline and the first decree would be that Ostriches should be allowed to be free to act as Ostriches do, thus freeing up my time to watch youtube videos of ostriches and other animals being amusing.

  419. Dreadful Predicant Of Wren Secrets
    Obviously
    Can we please put Beyoncé and totes on the flag to represent both nations?

  420. “Because I said so, bitches”. You’re president. That’s legit enough reason for current and past politicians to use.

  421. I would please like to be the Secretary of Sleeping In because that’s all I want, every day, is just to be able to sleep peacefully for just a bit longer, and I demand that all residents of New Canadian Bloggessland be afforded the right to sleep in. If you’re naturally an early riser, 1) why? 2) you will be allowed to keep your natural waking hours as long as you don’t disturb the sleep-in-ers. If you do disturb us, you will be put in charge of making bacon. I should warn you: we intend to consume A LOT of bacon.

  422. I’ll take the Ministry of Beautiful dresses portfolio in you New Canada cabinet please

  423. OMG I NEED A TREE THAT GROWS SOCKS. Also Old Canada and their “peameal” bacon clearly need a decree regarding their word choices and something needs to be done about their agricultural education if they don’t know the difference between peas and corn.
    I would like to request an appointment to the cabinet – the liquor cabinet. Thank you, Mrs. President.

  424. Obviously, the Church of Bloggessianism must be made the official church of New Canada. And Totes MaGoats HAS to be Vice President. Or at least sit in the main waiting room for your office. Possibly behind a desk. He could book your meetings!
    Also, my title at my current job it Rainbow Brite of Darkness, so if you need an optimist that has a weird sense of humor, I’d like that to be on my business cards.

  425. Official Red Dress Day for those of us who really need a reason to get our formal on and go about our everyday business LIKE A BOSS. I am happy to help out in your cabinet in whatever capacity you deem fit. I am excellent at discomfiting people who’ve earned a poke with a sharp stick as well as supporting and comforting those who need it. XOXO

    PS LOVE the “Stay away from assholes” socks 🙂

  427. If none of the states (or provinces, in old Canada,) with platypi or mice as their official animal, I humbly request that we get right on that, because mice and platypi are awesome, just sayin’. (And for some reason, Firefox spellcheck doesn’t recognise ‘platypi’ as a word, even though it totally is. But then again, it apparently doesn’t recognise ‘spellcheck’ as a word either, so it’s obviusly kinda goofy.)

    Also, as the Grand High Official of jellybeans Elimination, I am looking forward to receiving ALL the jellybeans. ALL of them. Especially the Starburst and JellyBelly kinds.

    Also also, I am /definitely/ going to ask someone to get me those Mood Swing socks for my birthday in August, because I am bipolar, and someone has to warn the world. So…. if any of my loved ones happen on this post, y’all know that’s gonna be one of the things on my birthday wish list.

  429. What amazes me – not surprises, you’ll note, just amazes – is that it was all still going strong this morning when I checked in and I was like, “Do these people never sleep? Are they sleep tweeting? How is this still happening?”
    Your tribe is awesome. Well, I guess it’s a whole country, now. Your country is awesome.

    We’re going to have to have someone re-do that “Blame Canada” song in the SouthPark movie, though.

  432. I’d like to be in charge of the Ministry of Poutine and Caesars, please.

  433. And, decree – free Beavertails for all every day at 10 AM. 11:30 in Newfoundland.

  434. I love the idea above to make Beyoncé (the chicken, not the singer) the presidential seal.

    As president, please increase wages, lower the hours in the work week, and increase mandatory vacation time. If that happens you can declare yourself President of New Canada for as long as you want.

  435. Next decree/law/whim/whatever. Every day gets a song. And do NOT try to pass off any of that Nickelback shit that Old Canada tried to pawn off on the rest of the world.

  436. As an Old Canadian, I suggest the decree that everyone gets a plush moose– the right kind, not so floppy it can’t stand, and not so stiff you can’t hug it. A squishy but firm, soft and cuddly plush moose.

  437. I can assure you that if I receive a pair of these socks, I will promptly wear them to my worksite, which just happens to be an elementary school!

  438. Your next decree should be to make sure that an ethically taxidermied (Google says that’s not a word . . . I’m not sure who’s right, but I’m going to leave it there anyway) animal be present during all political meetings and should be conferred with before any decision is made. Also, I would like to be the High Officer of Chocolate Tasting.

  439. As the minister of Drawing Dinosaur Carrion on the Road in Chalk, I would like your next decree to be “henceforth and forthwith, all toddlers who don’t go to bed on time will be rolled in peameal but not inside the house because oh my god there’s still all those Cheerio crumbs actually never mind, just eat handfuls of peameal bacon and leave me alone. With hilarious socks.”

  442. Decree: All conflicts will be solved by “hugging it out” or dance battles.
    Also, I think we really need a Minister of Laughter and Hilarity.

  443. As the Evyl Fashionista, I humbly suggest your next decree would be to bring back ladies’ hats as regular every day wear. None of those silly fascinators, but full on Kentucky Derby hats complete with feathers, flowers and attitude.

  444. Ooo. Ooo. Can I be Under Secretary of Television Spoilers?!? Also if we’re New Canada can we merge all our TV shows? That’d be aces!!!

  445. I graciously accept my title of Unicorn keeper of the first degree! Because unicorns are real in New Canada. I love New Canada.

  446. I would like to mention I have extensive experience in cat wrangling by way of applying for a cabinet position. I would be happy to provide references (Lisa Morabito, that would be you).

  447. Reading all of these makes me wish my migraine would clear up so I could be half as fab as all of these. Can we emigrate to Canadia with you?

  448. Normally I’d comment but I don’t want to win the socks so, I’m just going to pass on this one. 🙂

  449. Ooooh can you decree that Mondays don’t exist? Nobody likes Mondays anyway!

  450. One of your presidential decrees of New Canada should be to make those awesome socks available in Canada. What the hell does Amazon mean they won’t ship to me? Total bullshit, eh.

  451. I think you should make a decree that we all should get free fainting goats because than everyday we wake up we could laugh our buts off while we sip our coffees.Seriously though.. I want a fainting goat.

  452. The Under Secretary of Overcompensation declares that there is no such thing as inappropriate laughter. Except for snorting. That shit has to stop because blowing your nose while laughing leads to all sort of issues and tissues and a clean-up on aisle 7.

  453. I want Minister of Tea and Chocolate and Economics, please. I assure you I am highly qualified.

  455. As the newly assigned Infallible Overseer of Recipe Running (I understand those words as individuals, however in this configuration I am slightly confused, but then again that’s parliament for ya!!) I decree that bacon must now be included in every recipe! Bacon in your salad, bacon in your coffee, bacon in your bacon!!! Thanks to a free healthcare system, we will be able to deal with the slight increase in heart disease and other issues that are caused by an excessive amount of bacon grease. Or else we will just slowly weed out those who can’t thrive on an all bacon diet and we will emerge as a stronger nation!!!

  456. Your first decree must be the elimination of the separation of church and state or you’ll have to quit one of the gigs. But I think we can get these two crazy kids back together, Parent Trap style. Everybody loves a happy ending. And a totalitatian, religious regime running their country. Especially one that endorses naps, unicorns and front bacon.

    Oh, and I’ll be the High Priestess of Cheese, both front and back. Unless of course the position has been filled.

  457. I think a Presidential decree mandating free Mental Health Days off from work/life/etc is in order.

  458. Late to the meeting but I was working with the fruits and vegies. Thank you, your Furious Advisor Of Jicama Concepts

  461. Add one day to the weekend and deem it “wHOOP it Up” day for all the hula-hoopers and those who just need extra “whooping” time.

  462. I am Canadian!!!! I am also dying of laughter over the peameal bacon, which by the way is maybe more AMAZING than the socks….and Beyonce Chicken. Just sayin. Only cuz you can eat the peameal of course. Really. Tell Victor to order it in the masses. Next Presidential decree: “Unicorns for everyone!….or at least wear your kittens-in-a-basket-sweatshirt to work on casual Fridays”. Cuz everyone needs a good laugh….at someone else’s expense.

  463. Treatment of mental illness is the new normal. Whoever hasn’t a record of a mental illness will be deemed non-trustworthy, because, let’s face it, we are all crazy in some way, so people who claim to be mentally healthy probably lie…

  464. As the official Exceptional Agitator Of King Cobra Accidents, I feel strongly in favour of a decree that all households in New Canada are required to have at least one pet snake. Also a reasonable stock of anti-venom.

  466. i like sox. I could use some sox. love you.
    oh! oh! i could be in charge of love stuff! LOVELOVELOVE!!

  467. Public school cannot start earlier than 10am and must complete by 4pm. Also, nap time and recess grades K-12, including teachers!

  468. I will be the Minister of Moral (and sometimes physical) Support. Also your next decree should be “It is okay to have dark days, as long as, somewhere inside yourself, you remember that you are light.”

  470. i hereby formally submit my application for the newly-created position of Associate Vice-Chancellor of Champagne Thursdays. I will also arrange for wine slushies to be served to those who react negatively to those tiny delicious bubbles.
    thank you for your consideration.
    — glo

  471. Hello, I would like to join you in your possibly drunken quest to build a new world order and maintain absolutely no world domination unless it’s consensual. I shall be your Supreme She Who Nails Jello to Trees, but you can just call me Super She. My campaign strategy is to not announce anything. F&%k their rules. Just start presidencing immediately (or after taking a couple ibuprofen, which is what I’m going to do right now.) Ride, Your Herfulness, Ride!

  472. A) I suggest making sure we are treating all the pigs really well because happy pigs make Happy Front Bacon. Also plan to abolish Canadian Winter. I’m just full of ideas!
    2) I haven’t read the million comments yet because it’s, like, the middle of the freaking night and I’m having MY ADD meds delivered later today!
    iii) If it’s not taken, can I be in charge of Chocolate Cake? Or chocolate mint? Or brownies? I think we’ll all be less anxious knowing there’s enough chocolate when we need it. No Chocolate Crises under my watch!
    d) Totes (MaGoats) love all the kick ass socks!
    V) For the Liquor Cabinet, you totally need Whipped Vodka. It’s pretty delish.
    F) can you also degree that my g&$@?! cat stop humping my leg when I lie down? He’s such a weirdo.
    7) I’m so relieved I don’t need to renew my passport to travel around New/Old Canada. Getting a really good picture to last ten years can be such an ordeal.

  473. That on the Friday before a long weekend, the workday MUST end at noon.

  474. I’d like to submit my name for the title of Grand Duchess of Public Affairs, which I imagine will just mean reblogging your posts on twitter and handing out bacon on Bloggess parade days? I’ve already quit my job for this new position so let me know when we’re ready to get started.
    Also, I need all of those socks… what have I even been doing with my life without them?

  475. As Near-secretary of Salicious Commentary that Should Not be Addressed via Outside Voice, can I ask for a decree that settles whether we in Old Canada, would impart to New Canada the correct usage of “s” vs “z”. I shall organise (*organize) this decree forthwithzs. (Dudette, or you know, decree those sock awesome? (awezome does not count in this example)

  476. By order of the Bloggess, President of Canada, Bitches, we decree that Sting be named Official Canadian Insect and Singing Lumberjack. I shall be honored to be included in your Cabinet as Secretary of Best Sellers, which might prompt me to finally write a book, and Crack Puppies.

  478. Well for fuck sake, with 474 comments thus far, how am I supposed to get the attention I so desperately need to make any kind of decree or introduce my ideas for my role in this cabinet?However….something about Minister or perhaps Democratic Douche Bag Detector or perhaps Damsel of Dickhead Awareness…Warrior of Wanker Elimination? Something along those lines…because let’s face it, when you are dealing with Governing and all that’s involved in that, You are absolutely going to need someone with that kind of radar…mine is finely tuned and I believe can only be an asset to you and New Canada and quite honestly you NEED this to minimize the liability of those who may be getting a little too big for their Back Bacon Britches. Your call. But, If the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t think twice about it. It’s just good sense dear President, It is just good sense.

  479. I’d apply for the cabinet, but it sounds like too much imaginary work. Can I be in the cabaret instead?

    I regret that I have but 2 feet to give to these socks.

  481. I’d like you to decree that the Oxford Comma be called the New Canadian Comma.
    Maybe this is obvious, or maybe someone already posted it and I missed it because I’m too damned lazy and important to read all 476 comments, but you should also decree that our national animal be either a taxidermied boar’s head OR a severed hand preserved in a jar of formaldehyde. I’d like to be appointed as Commissioner of Okaying Shit that Shouldn’t Have Been Restricted. Like running with scissors. Because there are too many damned first graders in the country surviving because they can’t run with scissors.

  483. I’d like to nominate myself (I accidentally wrote myelf at first, which made me laugh, because it would be so much fun to have my own personal elf I could nominate for things. Also, I think I may need some of those ADD meds.) for the position of Secretary of Sock Hoors, because I am a sock hoor. I’ve seen the “fuck this shit” pair at one of my fave stores in town. I also saw the pair in the link below–I would need to wear these to work everyday to be all official and shit:

    http://www.blueq.com/shop/item/229-productId.125847084_229-catId.117440802.html

  485. I have a draft blog post announcing my candidacy for presidency. I’m just waiting for a good hair day to film my announcement speech. Which is going to be ah-mazing.

  486. Next order of business, expand kingdom to encompass Australia, our politicians are attricious and we have even prettier money than Canada. Bring American bacon, and maybe Kevin Bacon but the young version not the current leathery one.

  487. See what I get for actually working and not keeping up with twitter and the internet…I’m over 400 comments behind. And since you have a fuckton of decrees to make, I volunteer to be your scribe of the Offical Presidental Decree list. And your bodyguard. I can walk behind you in dark sunglass looking disapprovingly at anyone who wants to argue with you. I’ll carry the offical Lawson scrolls to write the decrees upon. Then when it’s full, I’ll bury them in the desert and after five years we can dig them up, declare them historical documents and charge everyone to see fragments. WHOA….there you go Madam President, I just found a way to help fund New Canada’s economy. You’re Welcome…I’ll take socks as a thank you.

  488. Clean sheets for everyone every day!
    Also, ban rolling bacon in corn meal. Gross.

  489. As a resident of Old Canada, I would like you to decree that poutine has no calories. Poutine for everyone! Squeaky cheese is as close to heaven as I will ever get.

  492. I am Notorious Lord of Nautilus Grooming…honoured to be a part of you cabinet…I LOVE NEW CANADA!!!!

  493. For Christmas my mother gifted my sister the Fuck this Shit socks. I got the lovely purple I Gave a Fuck Once socks. They are wonderful. I wear them often.

    As for my cabinet post – well um, I don’t really do deep water or sharks so I now need to resign my post as Exalted Chief Of Galapagos Shark Persuasion. I will however be opening up a little tiki bar soon to serve the politcal officers of New Canada. The tiki bar will contain all variations of alcohol, coffee, bacon (even the pea kind WTF?), and various other forms of sustenanace.

    Happy Friday!

  494. Obviously, you should make New Canada a theocracy, with Bloggessianism as the State religion.

    Those are awesome socks!

  495. Let it be known: cake and coffee are permissable at any time in New Canada.

  496. I have no idea what I’m doing, but challenge accepted. Just call me The Formal Agent Provo of Humpback Whale Culture.

  497. I am your new GLITTERING INSTIGATOR OF MARGARINE SCISSORING! I vow that I shall undertake all duties of my newly appointed role with the dignity and respect that such an esteemed title demands. Honest.

  498. THAT DOES IT. I am The Secretary of Equal Rights for All Sizes. I am fed up with racing to a website promising me awesome socks or badass shirts only to find that, oh yes, there’s plenty available JUST NONE IN MY SIZE. Steady progress has been made since the 60’s when only 3 variations of shoes were available in size 11. I can buy so many shoes in size 11 now. Just look at my closet(s). So where the hell am I supposed to buy awesome socks to wear with some of those shoes? This injustice must end!

  499. Grand High Advisor of shallots Concepts. nothing more needs to be said.

  500. Next presidential decree: Maple syrup is acceptable for all things EXCEPT GRITS. Unless bacon is involved. And I mean actual bacon. Suggested by your Minister for Things from the South That We’re Actually Good At.

  501. Outstanding Chief Of Parrot Digestion…Feel quite relieved to know that our pet parrots will poop properly.

  502. Next decree: All fruit stickers should have happy cartoons on them like halos stickers. Vegetables should be included in this…

  504. I think Kid President should be your Vice President. He would remind us to dance every day which I think is very important.

  505. How am I so late to this party?
    I shall be the Minister of Missing Things.
    Because I miss things. And maybe be responsible for the missing things.

    Decree:
    Mental Health days are mandatory. Paid by people who pay those things. And can of course be taken when other important things come up such as sales on giant metal animal statues and gravy buffets.

  507. Presidential degree: the immediate formation of a Sloth Peace corp, to provide hugs to any Blogessian citizen that may be in need of one.

  508. I always knew things would be better with a woman president! Now with all sorts of variations on bacon. And really, what’s more “old American” than taking a good thing and adding things in ridiculous and endless variations? New Canada is the greatest! Oh wait, that’s too American. New Canada is really good! Sorry! I’m totally getting the hang of this already. Sorry.

    New Decree: Six new holidays, to occur randomly, in observance of the double unicorn success club.

  511. I had to stop reading when I got to this comment

    168Kristin | May 21, 2015 at 2:04 pm
    Everyone get’s a stuffed badger. That should be the next decree. Because what is a life without a stuffed badger? Empty and lacking a stuffed badger, that’s what.

    As someone from Wisconsin and knowing our nickname is badgers, I’m worried that you want a bunch of stuffed Wisconsinites. This will not be difficult as most of us are continuously stuff with a variety of cheese and booze.

    As for a decree, butt scratches are mandatory. Everyone with a butt loves a good butt scratch. Humans, dogs, horses, manatees, camels, lizards. It feels amazing. So one good butt scratch a day, either to yourself or someone else (need not be human).

  512. I have a daughter who will volunteer to be your Official Bacon Taster and another who would make a fine Presidential Snarkperson; all I ask is to be your Alpha Reader.

  513. I welcome you as my new overlord, even if I will apologize too much. BTW when I went to England, what they call bacon is essentially back bacon. Apparently, we need a worldwide Bacon Summit to decree just exactly what all the pig parts are called.

  515. I’m the Prominent Czar of Coelacanth Sucker-punches, and just like all the Tory ministers I had to Google my job title.

    For your first decree can you outlaw sucker-punching coelacanths? Because I think people should stop doing that.

    Does this job come with references? I’m applying for ‘I like to eat while studying’ jobs

  516. Not so fast Texas… this is your old colonial master calling in. Canada has a monarch who technically outranks you – namely [deep breath] Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith.

    Upsides: In a stroke you’ve kind of undone all that unpleasantness of the 1770s, it’ll be possible to get a decent cup of tea on the other side of the Atlantic, and we can introduce you to the HobNob.

    Downsides: We’re looking at about 240 years of unpaid back taxes and you’re going to be haunted by the ghost of Ben Franklin.

  517. How about “It’s no longer acceptable to ask someone if they are Canadian if they ask for the nearest washroom”. You already guessed it and I really have to pee!!!!!!!!

  518. Congratulations on becoming president of most of the North American continent. Can you do something about the middle east please? I do not recommend offering them all bacon though.

    Can I be Secretary of B12 Deficiency Awareness? Also, if we’ve become Canadians, does that mean injectable B12 is now available over the counter here too? Awesome! Perhaps you don’t need a Secretary of B12 Deficiency Awareness then. 🙂

  519. Congrats!! Your next decree should be that on sunny days no one has to work. 🙂

    And my cabinet position is Keeper of Books. Meaning I just sit around all day surrounded by books reading. I think this is actually a position most countries over look. You can start a trend and show those other countries how it’s done!!! 🙂

  520. If the title Goddess of Everything is still open, I’ll take it. Otherwise, I will be the Designated Person to say “SERIOUSLY???” to people like Jimfbleak.

    New decree — thou shalt not piss off thy co-workers with clueless questions right before a holiday weekend. SERIOUSLY, Athens Office???

  521. I am your Dreadful Duchess of Demented Decoys. First, as a newly minted Duchess, I must know if I am required to give up my still perky (though middle-aged) titties for a uni-bosom. That may be a deal-breaker — although a built-in and handy flesh shelf for tea and cookies has its merits.
    Our decree shall be: Australia is ours now too. We need some party people too.
    Second decree: Add a Koala to the flag.
    Third decree: Australian (aka, middle) bacon for all!

  522. Please add a Presidential Decree that husbands of new mothers will be executed by firing squad if they continue to fake sleep every.single.night. I SEE your one eye open! (And a last meal prior to execution will be denied should said husband have the bloody nerve to claim that HE’S tired at the breakfast table as I fall asleep in my cereal bowl.)

  524. I have those socks. Several pairs, in fact. They are awesome and I feel slightly naughty when I wear the “Fuck this shit” socks to work. Heh.

  525. Next decree: we’ll take Mexico too but only if they stop killing each other. If they can’t stop killing each other, we have to cut them off. Literally. Chain saw it right down the line until they get their shit together.

    Also, I’ll be the Secretary of Everyone Stop Killing Each Other For Fuck Sake.

  526. As a citizen of the New Canada and the Old, I’m pleased to accept the random title of BRILLIANT AMBASSADOR OF RECIPE GOSPELS! If you knew me, you would laugh and then declare it appropriate!

  527. I was just celebrating the warmer weather & the fact I don’t need to wear socks right now. Now I need to wear socks – I want these socks, omg I want these socks……………………………

  528. Welcome New Canadians!!
    our national food is Poutine (chips (fries) covered with cheese & gravy). Gotta love us!
    If Chief Whip (A REAL POSITION) is taken I wanna be Minister for Pets & Poutine.
    Is Victor in Ottawa ? I want to meet him. Maybe I could get his autograph.

  529. I’ll be your Mistress of Maple Planting. Because you cannot have maple syrup without maple trees. We must relieve the shortage of genuine maple products, which will allow the astronomical price of maple syrup to come down to reasonable levels.

    And there will be maple bacon for all. I am sure someone out there is already working on a recipe for vegan maple bacon, which would be kosher and halal. So I do mean all. I will insist that such products be clearly labeled as fake bacon, or Facon, so that no one will purchase the wrong kind.

  530. I claim the title of “Undersecretary, Bureau of Missing Socks.” That is, unless someone else has already claimed it. As the Undersecretary I don’t have time to read all 550+ comments, so I still call dibs.

    By the way, the mascot for the Bureau of Missing Socks is the elusive “uncommon indooravore”.

  532. I think your next decree should be that every home must have a cool taxidermy animal of some sort that MUST have cool costumes on

  533. Girl – I am soooo down with my new title: Recognized Duchess Of Spectacled Porpoise Running. Yes, you may now kiss the porpoise. Wait, is that sort of thing okay in The Canada?

  534. Can I be Secretary of the Car Interior? As someone who is always cold, I’d just like to be in charge of the A/C for once.

  535. Oh Jenny my friend, one taste of our peameal bacon and you will KNOW we are not fucking up bacon! So delectable and delicious.

  536. Thank GOD. I thought he meant Penile Bacon. That would be way too clinically descriptive. (Hmmm, there are shrinkage issues with both.) There should be rules about being too clinical when it comes to front bacon. I volunteer to be the Baronness of Front Bacon. I will work tirelessly to deal with these terms as they pop up. (Hmmmm. there are popping up issues with both.) I obviously would be EXCELLENT in this job. I wonder if they could make me some Front Bacon Baronness title socks.

    Pick me.

  537. Jenny – YOU MAKE ME FUCKING LAUGH!!! I love you so much! And guess what? I sell these fucking amazing socks and lots of other funny shit these same Canadians Made.

    http://www.2lisasboutique.com/socks/
    http://www.2lisasboutique.com/blue-q-bath-products/
    Check out This soap is my favorite – just for you! http://www.2lisasboutique.com/i-love-you-luxury-soap-by-blue-q/

    When you are president do you get to take over the PODUS twitter handle? I’ll vote for you.
    Peace Out!
    Julie

  538. I am so the Rogue Arch-Nemesis Of Breadfruit Grooming, and the decree should be that breadfruit be groomed on a weekly basis, so that as the Rouge Arch-nemesis, I can defeat the grooming of the breadfruit. I wouldn’t want to defeat the groomers themselves. It’s not their fault that they have to groom breadfruit.

  539. I can be Lead Cat Herder? As far as decrees go, I say we need a daily midday nap. I won’t call it a seista since that’d be getting Mexico involved with New Canada and then the rest of the world might start getting nervous if we three suddenly unified, but a daily nap is necessary.

  541. Please dub me “Lady Laughs Loud A Lot” And your next decree shall be “Libraries everywhere there isn’t one” I’m talking towns, counties, mobile ones like semis of books just chugging across New Canada, you betcha!

  542. I was going to say “Free Gravy For All” but I think it is important to keep a clear separation between church and state. So instead I suggest “Take Your Ferret to Work Day”, because given their naturally wily natures it is important to get them involved in productive society as early as possible. As for my own personal title, I think I would be a good Grandmasta Nope Overlord. That way, when people come to you with ridiculous ideas like “Hey! Let’s have Free Gravy For All!!!” you can send them to me and I will say “Nope.” Then you can be all “What can I do? She said Nope. Sorry”, and everyone will still love you. I’m fine being despised, because 1) that’s just how it is when you are an Overlord, and 2) I am setting a good example for my ferret, namely that you don’t always get what you want. It is important that ferrets learn this. Everyone wins.

  544. You could be president of New Zealand too. We’re a very small but awesome country so it wouldn’t take much extra effort.

  545. Your first decree shall be twofold: first, gather up all that weird bacon and burn it. Second, gather up all of Canada’s ferrets and confiscate them as your own. You’re gonna need a large office.

  546. I just want to be Brunch Czar. Diners and breakfast places within pleasant walking distance of everyone’s front door. We all get to sleep in, pull on our yoga pants, and amble on over to get whatever we need to fuel our days, whether it be coffee, tea, mimosas, waffles, pancakes, omelets, Captain Crunch or whatever. And a choice of any and all kinds of bacon.
    Mondays are paid stay home and read days.
    Everyone gets a bedtime story if they want one. If you’re sick you can have two plus a foot rub/shoulder rub.
    Every animal gets a safe home and unlimited ear scratches and tummy rubs.
    All shoes shall be comfy shoes, even if they’re sky high stilettos. Shoes shall never hurt anyone’s feet again.
    And stop the presses, there’s such a thing as maple syrup whiskey? No one has been awarded a Nobel Prize for such a marvel? Can we work that into our infrastructure so that it is piped directly into our homes like tap water? Make it so!

  548. Decree: fire everyone in high cabinet positions and replace them with clothed/themed taxidermied animals (they’ll do about the same amount of work).

    Love those socks. So want a pair to wear to work to feel naughty (I’m a teacher). 😉

  549. I’d like to formally submit my application to be the most kick ass Exceptional Firebrand of Walrus Appreciation New Canada will ever see. Thank you very much. Long live President Bloggess!

  550. P.S. We need a PEA or Proofreading Enforcement Agency.
    I’m tired of seeing spelling and grammatical errors all over the place and not being able to get anyone to correct these errors. We need uniformed and undercover agents on patrol 24/7 for this. I thus pledge alliegence New Canadamerica. No more election years, Jenny is President in perpetuity.

  551. i don’t need socks…but i think you are as awesome as fuck. hugs to ya, Madame President!!

  552. I would love to create an obvious committee, which I would be the head of (obviously) where we could just point out when people are doing it wrong. Also, can you declare a national Fuck Autism day where the parents of autistic kids get a break? Because autism sucks.

  553. Sanctioned Rapscallion Of Peafowl Concepts. Absolutely, count me in! Lemme just figure out what concepts might apply to Peafowl…

  554. As the Illustrious Official of Golden Retriever Fundamentals I want afternoon naps and therapy puppies in every workplace in New Canada! Because we gotta do something with all those puppies I’m training.

  555. Confused – are you bipolar (which I wish (not the dna) – at least you get the manic stage) and went from cowering to canada president in your mind? Were you just making a call to depressives not to suicide because they matter> Maybe it is all snark and inside jokes I am not following. Is this a club I don’t know the rules?

    (I have Avoidant Personality Disorder with intermittent clinical depression and suicidal ideation. Darkness falls quickly but it lifts just as quickly. I never know from day to day how I’ll be. My depressive states come and go but my anxiety disorder is severe and never goes away. The last post isn’t snark. You really never know what you’re going to get here because it depends on my mind (which is unreliable) so when I’m feeling okay I really take advantage of it. ~ Jenny)

  556. Man, those socks are just MAGICAL. I’d trust any president who wore them, just on principle.

  557. Minister of Cats and Books and Gardens. Cicero missed the boat. If you have a Garden and a Library and at least one Cat, you have Everything you need.

  558. Your next decree could just be recognizing cats as the national animal, because they should be. Also you will need a knitting czar, many parts of New Canada are very cold.

  559. As your Formal Ambassador of Grizzly Bear Cuddling (how awesome is that??), I advise you, Madame President, to decree the Right of All New Canadians to Animal Cuddling, for the purposes of the health and well-being of the populace. If someone chooses Grizzly Bear Cuddling, I can personally be his/her Ambassador. After all, it is my job.

  560. My request for a presidential decree: No bullying of any kind! And a everyone gets a stuffed baby dragon.
    Minister of Adorable Dragons at your service.

  561. Presidential socks. Your candidacy is already miles ahead of the other options.
    I’m nominating myself Chief Inappropriate Swearing Officer, because sometimes you just need someone to say “YOU’RE BATSHIT CRAZY, POLITICAL PEOPLE,” even if you’re in a formal environment where swearing is not “correct.” (And, evidently, I am a bad judge of when profanity is appropriate, when it’s just on the funny/ironic side of inappropriate, and when it’s way the fuck over the line.)

  564. I’d be the Minister (Ministress?) of Geese. No longer would the migration be from Canada to the US but from Canada to Canada.

  565. Obviously your first decree should be free socks for everyone!!

    Also, seriously, free healthcare, cause paying to be sane is useless and ends up with me hiding my sobbing breakdowns at work.

  566. All currency must have pictures of amazing Bloggess family members..Beyonce, Toats Magoats, Juanita, etc. AND, Victor has to buy you new towels once every two weeks.

  567. Your Presidential Decree: Doughnut Greetings for Everyone, Every Office, Every Workday. In your Cabinet, I am Supreme Overseer of Superpowers, Subministry of Getting Shit Done Now.

  568. First decree? National Unicorn Success Club day.

    First office? Prime minister of bacon socks. Cause socks made from bacon will make you kick ass-ier than you already are.

  571. My title shall be “Supreme Random Generator.” Because I am.
    Your next decree: All taxidermied pets are tax deductable. Not just the initial cost but care and housing on a yearly basis. And clothes and props. And remodeling/construction if you feel the need. At this point I think the government owes you money.

  572. I would be honored to serve as your Secretary of Daisy-chains and Official Cake Taste-tester. What could lead to a more fulfilling career than filling it with daisies and cake?!
    I also humbly request your Presidential Eminence to please decree that all children must let their parents sleep until 9 am.
    All hail New Canada!

  573. Imperial Director Of Hot Men. Right to export people who became famous from sex tapes or train-wreck reality shows, old rich white guys who dictate what I can or cannot do with my uterus, hipsters who insist on wearing muttonchops, Abe Lincoln beards, ZZ Top beard’s, mustaches that need wax so they can curl the ends, etc. and any bigots, racists, misogynists, or general fuckwits. Also, I get to test drive any of the hot guys.

    I would love a pair socks any style and I want my baby back, baby back, baby back bacon.

    PS-someone needs to be in charge of getting rid of nasty processed food like cheese whiz, Twinkies, and those Styrofoam peanuts called Circus Peanuts that they try to pass off as candy.

  574. I want to be Director of Elaborate Baby Goat Ballets. And could you decree that it is a nationally supported art? Because leaping baby goats are awesome, but New Canada will be extremely happy & giggly with leaping baby goats with sparkly tiaras. Of course there will be a special sparkly tiara for you. (And does this make Victor the First Dude of New Canada?)

  575. Preside tests of Socks on the rocks – u r always on trend and always have toaster warm feet!

  577. You should decree that any moms who have to work 2 jobs with no days off for weeks at a time get a free house of their choice, maid service, plus unlimited volkswagon maintenance from a handsome mechanic/personal masseur. Or just make the rule that moms get paid more, so we can afford these things on our own. I’m not just thinking of myself here… I know too many moms, single or not, who have to work way too hard for the bare necessities.

  579. please feel free to take over as prime minister as well. Harper is plain old scary.also I’ve lived here my whole life and have mostly just eaten regular bacon (why would anyone eat back bacon?) Just saying…

  580. First decree should be no sales tax on all taxidermy! And it is a tax deduction, need a line item on the form for it!

  582. Elegant Official Of Human Being Judging. I think that means I do something with our new court system…Are we prosecuting anyone who eats the weird bacon?

  583. Damn. I’m always late to the party. I arrive after the beer is gone and now I won’t win the socks. Here’s your motto anyway: Move to New Canada, it’s like old Canada but slightly weirder with more ferrets.

    A resident of old Canada.

  585. Dreadful Czar Of Coffee Travel. But I’m not really dreadful, see? I’m just very focused on providing the teleportation, Stargate, and pneumatic tube travel technologies that you decreed must replace current outdated modes. Obviously, our main travel purpose is to attain and drink coffee, preferably with friends and friendly aliens.

    Of course I would work in tandem with Julie and Christy who are both involved in TARDIS and Sonic Screwdriver development. But we all know that Whovian technology requires its own fully funded (and caffeinated) department.

  588. @WineRanger, I would like to sign up for the Glorious Revolution of Greater Under-standing. The AVERAGE size of a U.S.-now-Canadian woman’s foot is a nine. Wishing won’t make us Cinderellas, sock industry, and it won’t make the drag queens long less for those adorable lacey peds.

  589. I am in love with WTNC,B and will be working it into as many conversations as possible, predominantly when I would normally say something like, “shit happens” or “sucks to be you.” For instance:

    Angry Homeowner: “I’m calling to complain because you sent me a violation letter about my car being parked illegally, but you didn’t send my neighbor a letter, and he parks illegally all the time.”

    Me: “Uh huh. Welcome to New Canada, bitches.”

  591. Next Presidential decree: nominate new cabinet member to the Depression Research Action Group

    -Minister of whatever

  592. I’m now the Secretary of Superhero Outfits. And don’t even bother asking for a cape because I will reply to you in Edna Mode fashion “No Capes!”

    Presidential decree: everyone gets summer vacation like when we were kids. Starting………………………………………………Now!

  593. Actually, I think you should move to Canada (we have so many different animals you could taxidermy) become our Prime Minister and fix our bacon. It’s totally do-able.

  594. Anyone who does not like at least one of the following things is suspect and subject to warrantless search and seizure: kittens, guacamole, boxed wine. (LOVE the socks!!!!!)

  596. WTNC Jenny. I would love to be the Magnificent Minister of Unicorn Cuddling. Love your decrees, I’m halfway finished reading Surviving Mental Illness through Humor and am waiting for Furiously Happy to be released the day before my birthday. I just ordered Blue Q socks. Keep Calm and Carry On. Because bacon.

  597. I have nothing to add, other than I like socks, but I never seem to be able to keep a pair together. Can a president mandate that my socks stay together? Will a Canadian President have any power in Ireland?

    On that note, come visit Ireland, and I’ll buy you a pint… and make you meet my kids. I know, tempting, right??

  598. Also, hey, what’s the earliest age you can let your kids watch Star Wars? I’m tired of making jokes that they don’t get.

  600. As President, you should decree that autocorrect stop being a Douchebag. Or at least stop trying to call me a racist everytime I try to give my email address. (seriously, it tries to turn angiwebber – which is my NAME thankyouverymuch – into antisemite. EVERY. DAMN. TIME! WTF Autocorrect?!?)

  601. Happy to accept a post in your cabinet – the random generator says I should be your ‘Certified Ambassador of nautilus Cuddling’. Not sure where the nauili (is that the plural?) hang out but if any of them come to the UK I will try to do my duty.

  602. Illustrious Duchess Of Dimetrodon Elimination. That’s right – Illustrious

  603. I’d like to be the High Priestess in charge of importing schnaps and/or schnapps into New Canada. As well as Kangaroo Wrangler (But only on the weekends. That schnaps isn’t going to import and taste itself).

  604. For your next presidential decree, you should obviously decree that the internet is now free and the military must have have fundraisers for it’s super fancy bombers/drones/toilet seats.

    Also, you know, equal pay for all genders. That’s good, too.

  605. YOU are too awesome! Read your book, too…and now have to buy multiple pairs of those socks! I always wanted to live in Canada…xx

  606. Rogue Pixi Of Chandra Running

    I’m going to find all the Chandras now!

  607. I think we the people need a presidential decree that states one MUST say “Thank you” to the person holding the door open for you. If I see one more rude stranger sail through the door when my nice friend holds it open, I’m going to lose it.

  608. “Obviously invented” is a valid description of every religion.

  609. I’m bringing back “You’re welcome.” From now on, when somebody thanks you, you must respond with, “you’re welcome.” (I’m looking at you, NPR guests)

  610. I do so love my title, Prominent Strangeling Of Snail Promotion. Being a strangeling is my new favorite thing.

  611. Please correct the food pyramid as follows: Chocolate is a food group, and is now recognized to be the base. Unless wine is the base. Then chocolate may move up one slot.

    I would like to apply for your cabinet position, Undersecretary to pick good books for the president to read. That would be fun.

  612. PS. Peameal bacon sounds as if it would be pretty good, actually. Please ask Victor to try some and let us know.

  613. I need you to outlaw the practice of being disrupted while showering. Specifically by your children that legitimately need something, like food. Or a diaper change. The punishment should be that their father (or other mom, or grandparent, or pretty much anyone that isn’t me) will tend to those needs instead.

  614. As new president of Canada you should decree that all regional dishes and subsequent names shall be indexed so I know what the hell Poutine is.

  615. Please make a degree that everyone is entitled to a short wait for mental health services. I am really sad today and your rants against the bacony establishment have cheered me up. SOCKS!!!! Your socks are amazing.

  617. I declare myself the majestic czar of cat weed (thank you church of Bloggessianism for the naming help). The cats have unanimously declared it is legal. We may also need more land for catnip farms. The cats have spoken very seriously on this, some of them while sleeping. President, please address this urgent need, and the majestic czar will serve on your cabinet faithfully as long as you support the cat weed needs of this new, illustrious country.

  619. As your Outstanding Director Of Kohlrabi Snogging I decree every day a vacation day as long as you search for kohlrabi! And I almost bought 200 worth of awesome socks before I resisted and only bought three pair…

  620. It’s only Ontario fucking up on the bacon. Go to Alberta for bacon. Or Saskatchewan. Or Manitoba. Even British Columbia. So, obviously any province West of Ontario. Not sure if we can trust anyone East of Ontario because I’ve never lived there. Yikes. I just realized there may be more Canadian bacon fuck-ups than just Ontario.

  621. You have my vote. For whatever you want to run for. I support you 100%, unconditionally. I will even do volunteer work for you! Just don’t make me kill spiders please. (but I will if you ask)

  622. I’m the Cabinent Secretary of Awkward Silences..because…yeah…

    Thou shalt not be judgey AND screamy at the same time. Choose one high intensity emotion, assholes. There is no need for both, family.

  624. Let me introduce myself. I am the Formal Overlord Of Tater Tot Regulations. I insist that tater tots be cooked to perfection and available at a moment’s notice for all that want them. I also insist on making awesome socks mandatory for all cabinet members. Actually, I think we should just make cabinets mandatory. Because the stress of regulating tater tots will likely result in me hiding in a cabinet with a fuzzy blanket hoarding all of the tater tots. Buta as the formal overlord, it’s my right to do so.

  625. Now it’s all making sense. When I backpacked through Europe, I was continually asked if I was Canadian (because Americans have a for-shit rep pretty much anywhere else in the world, and since I was nice they figured I was Canadian) and I watch Orphan Black. Now I just took a “how sorry/Canadian are you quiz,” and I scored polar bear status! O, Captain, my Captain!

  626. I want new socks. I only own white socks and have no idea why I have never bought decorative socks. I do all the sock buying for this household and realized even my children have not had decorative socks!! I would also like to submit my resume for “Volunteer that never gets Appreciation.” My Job duties will be to volunteer for all activities held during my children’s school schedule. This guarantees that I have NO me time, but I will have a valid excuse for why I have a messy house. After a full Term ( 1 school year) I will take my summer leave without any gifts of appreciation or acknowledgement that I have assisted in the months prior, and sign up blindly, for the upcoming years work.

  627. Well, as someone who has been executing a slow but methodical world coup over the last 12 years (I’ve been assembling my Army of Evil, the foundation of any successful coup…we are nearly ready, oh yes..!), I surely do know the importance of a good campaign slogan. You could try some of these:

    Vote for me, and no one gets hurt.
    Vote for me because you’re too stupid to think for yourself, asshole.
    Free cheese for the first 100 voters. The rest of you get those little sword toothpicks and can duel it out for yourselves.

    Or you can steal McKinley’s campaign slogan from the 1900s: “Leave Well Enough Alone”.
    It’s worth noting, however, that whilst McKinley very thoroughly handed his contender William Jennings Bryan his ass sliced, diced, and arranged on a platter with sprigs of greenery, McKinley was shot in his second term by an anarchist.

    So…lots of risks either way. I know you’ll do what’s best for the country.

  628. Minister of Salad Dodging Tendencies. I’ll be waiting for my new business cards and a fabulous pink feather boa in the mail.

  630. Dear President, My husband, son and daughter-in-law have been enjoying the freedoms of being New Canadian in Japan this weekend. Thank you so much for giving us a nationality that is ‘nice’. A suggestion for a flag. Replace the stars with little white maple leaves, adding enough for all the states/provinces, maybe do away with the stripes altogether. Or will we look too EU? Oh and what are we doing with Quebec? Whatever it is we should be nice about it A?

  631. I would like to be the Grand High Duchess of Ass-Kicking Socks, fo sho.

    And I’m definitely cool with being Canadian, they really know how to party.

  632. If you become the great leader of New Canada, can you please hire a team of covert assassins to off Celine Dion?

  633. I would like to nominate myself for Secretary of Cat Wrangling. Cause I groom cats. There is nothing much enjoyable about shaving a cat who does not want to be shaved, but at least having a title might make it better.

  634. I think you need to make sure that New Canada has US book prices! We need a deal on the new Bloggess book 😉

  636. I would like to be the the Deputy Minister of Anonymity where my job is not telling anyone who the Minister is.

  637. I’d like to propose a third bacon – the English/Irish variety. It is salty and delicious and vastly underrepresented in North America.

    Sincerely,
    Formal Premier of Albatross Accidents

  638. I was in the Canary Islands and we had something purporting to be bacon, but it HAD BONES IN IT. Your bacon-related decree should definitely include some provision for never calling any meat like that bacon. And can I be corgi-wrangler-in chief?

  639. You next presidential decree should be that by 2020 all households will be provided, for no charge, a robot that goes to Costco and washes, folds AND puts away all laundry. I would be proud to be your Secretary of Labor-less Laundry.

  640. I was in Canada once and given bacon. It was ham. HAM! Bacon is not a floppy circle!
    My decree is that all delivery people who throw things clearly marked fragile must be deported to the North Pole to live under the scrutiny of Santa and the elves, who will totally fuck your shit up if you fuck someone else’s shit up. Don’t ruin year-round Christmas, delivery people.

  642. Recognized Pixi Of Painted Lady Butterfly Walking

    Pretty pumped about my new title, Madame President.

  643. Nobody in Canada actually likes peameal bacon aka back bacon…nobody!
    I see you’ve got the cabinet and the cabaret figured out but I think we also need some Cabernet…

  644. On a semi regular basis, I come across animals that just don’t look happy. These poor creatures are usually unhappy because of something that has been done to them by people. (Going by past records, humanity hadn’t been the best thing to happen to this earth and its inhabitants.) So I would like to ask you to decree that people be obligated to help when they see an animal in need. Maybe it means giving it some food because there owner doesn’t have much money or calling someone to find a home for the stray living in the street or even just giving your cat an ear scratch to brighten its day. To that measure, since people are obligated to help an animal in distress, they should not be able to be disciplined for being late to things when doing such activities. “I’m sorry I’m late for work…i had to help a turtle cross the road.” That would be an acceptable reason for tardiness.

    As for titles, I would like to be the Undersecretary of Napping with Cats. I have narcolepsy and several kitties…there are few greater joys in life beyond getting all comfy and falling asleep in a pile of blankets and cats.

  645. Deeply honored to serve your exaltedness as Honorable Custodian Of Husky Dogma. Is there a protocol officer, or droid, I can ask about whether that means husky as in not svelte, or husky as in sled dog and that talking one named Mishka on YouTube?

  646. As a Canadian, I welcome your just and enlightened rule. I would like to nominate myself as the Glittering Superintendent Of Mockingbird Sucker-Punches.

  648. I just bought a pair of these socks for my birthday. For cranky Mondays, grey Tuesdays, tired Wednesdays, “seriously?” Thursdays, and WTF Fridays.

    Thanks!

  649. I will be Illustrious Agent Provo of pea Attitudes… And I love it… and I wonder why the “p” in pea is not capitalized…

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